BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO – ESPECIALLY FOR MEN

By Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. drwallin.com

Breakups and divorces are harder on men than on women.

If you’re female, this might be surprising news.

Divorce almost always leaves women worse off
financially than their former husbands. In addition
they are stressed out from juggling work, kids, and
loneliness.

After a breakup women are more likely to grieve

openly; to talk to their friends and family about it; to
read self-help books; and even to seek professional
help in getting through the aftermath of the breakup.

To the casual observer, it is the woman who suffers

and struggles, while the man goes on with life, barely skipping a beat.

It’s clear that breakups are very difficult for most people. Both men and women get depressed.
But research shows that women, in general, bounce back more successfully after a breakup.

Men are more than twice as likely to feel severely depressed for a longer time, and are twice as
likely to commit suicide after a divorce. Divorced men are also at greater risk for premature
death from cardiovascular disease and pneumonia.

Because men are good at hiding their feelings, and because they typically get busy rather than
talk about how they feel, their suffering is not readily apparent to others.

Why are breakups harder on men? Researchers have identified several factors:

Control over the breakup

Two thirds of divorces are filed by women. By the time

women file, they have already started preparing themselves
for the future. To some extent, they have control over the
process. Since men are more often on the receiving end of
breakups and divorces, they must deal with the surprise factor
that throws them off balance.

On top of this, if children are involved, they usually stay with

their moms. Men typically lose ready access to their kids – and the sense of comfort that they had
derived from them.

Thus, within the same week, a man can experience shock, the loss of his role as a husband, and
the loss of his role as a father.

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Social bonds

Women are more apt to have deep social bonds – family and
friends with whom they’ve shared feelings and experiences
in the past. After a breakup these relationships provide
strong emotional support.

On the other hand men tend to simply “hang out” with the
guys. Their discussions center on sports and other light
topics, rather than on personal feelings. After a relationship
breakup, men do get support from their buddies, but it is more
like, “Forget about her. Let’s have fun,” rather than
addressing the pain and grief of splitting up.

Disruption of routines and social connections

Despite men’s increased participation in parenting and household chores, it is still women who
bear the primary responsibility for running the home. They are usually the ones who coordinate
meals, cleaning, laundry, and kids’ activities. When a couple breaks up, the man is suddenly
removed from familiar routines.

Women are also the glue that connects the family and the community. Couples’ social networks
usually revolve around the woman’s family and friends. Thus, when a couple breaks up, it’s the
man who gets cut out of the social loop, leaving him isolated and lonely.

Biology and cultural conditioning

Recent research shows that men’s brains are biologically different from women’s.
They do not process feelings and intuition as easily as women do. On top of that,
men in our culture are raised to be tough and invulnerable.

Men feel grief and depression as acutely as women do, but they often label it as something else,
such as anger or disgust. It’s easier for them to talk about “what she did to me” than about
feeling lonely or rejected.

Addressing problems

After a breakup women seek to understand what happened. They talk it out with others. They
read books and articles, and watch TV shows on the subject.

Men, on the other hand, are more apt to try to avoid feeling anything. They often self-medicate
with alcohol or drugs, which can lead to other problems such as DUIs, malnutrition, and
excessive sick days off work.

Some buy themselves cars or other toys in an attempt to feel better. From the outside, the ex-wife

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might think: “Well, he’s having a good time, going out to bars, driving his nice little sports car…”
Don’t let that fool you. He’s just trying to numb his misery.

Tips for Coping After a Breakup

The male/female differences in reacting to breakups pertain to men in general and

women in general. There are plenty of exceptions. Nevertheless, advice for coping
with breakups applies to anyone going through this highly stressful experience:

• Take care of yourself physically. Don’t skip meals. Get adequate (but not
too much) sleep. Make sure you exercise regularly. Nutrition, sleep and
exercise provide a solid foundation for dealing with stress.

• Avoid isolating yourself. Even though it feels like too much of an effort,
force yourself to get out among people (aside from work) at least once or
twice a week. Talk to someone on the phone every day.

• When thoughts of your ex pop into your mind, turn them off. Distract
yourself with an activity that requires your full attention. The worst thing
you can do is to mentally replay old memories over and over again.

• Expect to feel intense emotions – anger, rage, fear, depression, and more.
However, give yourself a cooling off period before acting on your feelings.
That way you won’t do something you’ll later regret, like smashing your
ex’s car window.

• Don’t try to be friends with your ex. It rarely works. More often it
prolongs the agony of the breakup.

• Do something kind for someone else. It’s one of the best ways to get your
mind off your own troubles, and it also helps build connections with other
people.

• Treat yourself with respect. Avoid self-destructive activities like

drinking, using illegal drugs, overeating or buying things you don’t need.
Cut down on self-critical thoughts as well. Speak to yourself encouragingly,
as you would a young child who is unsure of himself.

NOTE: There is hope! Studies show that most people do eventually recover from breakups. If
you were basically a happy person in the past, you have a good chance of being happy again. If
you have a history of depression, it is especially important that you follow some of the tips above.
If you can’t shake your despair, not even for a few hours, it’s time to consult a mental health
professional.

Need more help? Just a few sessions of coaching by phone can make a big difference. Contact me
to find out if coaching is right for you: drwallin@drwallin.com 717-761-1814

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