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 ==== ====For more information on abuse and what to do about it, please visit:http://www.smallreports.com/index.php?k=abuse ==== ====Disclaimer: It is understood that women as well as men can be abusers; however, theoverwhelming majority of abusers are male. For this reason, references to abusers are in themasculine. The reader's understanding is appreciated. In my own experience, and in my exposure to the experiences of other women who are abusevictims, it is apparent that there is a bizarre, almost word-for-word script associated with thebehaviors and character qualities of abusers. Although I have not been exposed to physicalabuse, a majority of these earmarks seem to be evident, whether the abuse is physical, verbaland/or emotional. Here we go... The Introvert Meets the Man of Her Dreams The woman attracted to an abuser will often suffer from low self-esteem and, although usually farfrom accurate, a diminished sense of her own value. As a result, she will probably be instantlyflattered by this man's constant attentions toward her. During their dating days, her suitor makesher feel beautiful and desirable. He will often attempt to jeopardize her time and ply her affectionswith regular phone calls, gifts and niceties. She believes his obsession with her constitutes love,when it is more likely he wants her as a possession rather than a partner. He may question herrelationships with other men, whether co-workers or friends. Unfortunately, these actions, whichhis victim mistakenly attributes to protectiveness, emanate from a combination of paranoia and jealousy. And, his zealous claim on her time she sees as a sign of his stalwart commitment anddesire to be with her, although it is more likely one of the first signs of control. The Victim Ignores the Red Flags Perhaps before the ring is ever on her finger, she may begin to see a dark side of her love - moodswings, unprovoked anger or unwarranted criticism seem fairly typical. But, these women chooseto overlook these questionable behaviors, clinging to her certainty that the attentive man who sawher as the most beautiful woman in the world is the real person she is marrying. Because heseems to see in her what no man before him ever saw, she rationalizes that she is just the personto help her beloved work through whatever issues he is facing in his life. In her smitten state, shemakes a dangerously incorrect assessment. It is only a matter of time before the demon in himawakens, and the words, "'Til death do us part" begin to feel less like a promise and more like aprison sentence. The Abuser Lives a Life of Blatant Hypocrisy and Double Standards The abuser is a walking illustration of hypocrisy. He can be altogether charming and social. Heshmoozes whom he uses, carefully rubbing shoulders with those in whose company he will find
 
acceptance and support, people he believes are of use to him because of their communitystanding, usefulness or other helpful connections. Although at home he is increasingly selfish,domineering, and mean-spirited, the victim's friends and family members will probably perceivethe abuser as welcoming, friendly and likable. As a result, the victim finds herself confused by theirimpressions, and begins to question her own understanding of how he treats her. Since sheseems to be exclusive target of his terror, she arrives at the heart-breaking conclusion that shemust be responsible for his cruel outbursts. That is exactly what he wants. This is a man who arrives at church hand-in-hand with his wife and puts his arm around her duringthe service. He warmly greets his acquaintances and stops for polite and friendly conversation onthe way to the parking lot. He might be a deacon or an elder in the church. The face he shows tothe world defies the one his victim sees when they are alone. This reality cripples his victim.Everyone likes him. The Abuser is the Supreme Authority ...on everything. End of story. The victim has the freedom to ask any questions, or dispute theabuser's perspective - at her own peril. She is entitled to her own opinions as long as they are thesame as his. The victim is not allowed to have much of an identity separate from the abuser.Whether it's music, movies, home decor, politics, or religion, he has the final say. Even in mattersof opinion, his opinion is superior. Get used to it. He has made final, usually derogatory, assessments of the family, friends or acquaintances in thevictim's circle, decreeing them unfit to socialize with or trust. No one knows more than he (unless itis someone he needs to use or impress). The Abuser is a Dictator The abuser controls everything - schedules, finances, priorities, household responsibilities,hobbies, and friendships. The victim is given only whatever limited freedom the abuser chooses toallow. And although he makes the rules, they do not apply to him. The Abuser is a Liar To an abuser, the truth is whatever he decides it is. Even if caught in a lie, he has alreadyrationalized what he believes is a perfectly appropriate justification that made his lie necessary,even helpful. The victim knows what's true, but fears contesting the validity of what is not. Theabuser cannot be trusted, and she's afraid to do anything about it. If she chooses to point thefinger at him, she will likely pay a hefty price for it. He can make her life a living hell. It is best tokeep silent. The Abuser is Selfish He doesn't want to help with the kids, the dinner or the chores, and he is the first to criticize hisvictim for falling short in any one of her areas of responsibility. Often, he controls the bank accounts and expenditures and makes sure his needs are met beforeanyone else's. If that means hiding money or stealing it from the victim's bank account, so be it.
 
Once he is satisfied, with his permission, the victim might have access to some of what remains,and once in a while, he may buy her a gift, take her to dinner or treat her to a weekend away as aform of apology for one of his particularly egregious attacks. He holds the trump card with regardto what is on the television, where the family goes on vacation and who gets the last piece ofchocolate cake. The Abuser Has a Short Temper The abuser may get angry at the dog, the mailman, a co-worker, someone driving too slowly intraffic, and the clerk at the grocery store, then come home and rant about how he was treateddisrespectfully. Any offense gives him cause to take his frustration out on the wife, his children, thedog, or any other convenient target that can't fight back. The Abuser is Bitter The abuser feels he has been dealt a bad hand. He keeps a long and ever-growing list of offensesthat have been committed against him. He can painstakingly recite every occasion wheresomeone has stepped on his toes and robbed him of some mysterious opportunity that wouldhave made his life all it was meant to be. There are many whom he blames for his current, pitiablestate. Anything and everything that is wrong with his life is someone else's fault. The Abuser is a Perfectionist The abuser expects perfection from everyone but himself. God save the child of an abuser whogets a "B" on his or her report card, or the wife who gets in a car accident or overcooks his dinner.He had better find his favorite shirt pressed and hanging in the closet when he decides he wantsto wear it. The abuser is demanding and unforgiving. Those who don't deliver will surely hearabout it. The Abuser is a Control Freak The abuser fears his victims' independence and his exposure, so he severely limits his familymembers' social lives and access to many, if not most, outside sources of emotional support. Notonly does his wife's absence from the house for social activities mean that he will be expected topick up some additional responsibility - which he doesn't want - but he fears that she might spill hissecrets and receive validation and a sense of independence from the outside, which poses athreat to his grip on her life. With this in mind, he may sabotage his wife's endeavors outside thehome, whether she wishes to attend college classes or Bible study, go jogging with a neighborevery morning, or periodically meet a friend for coffee. He will often call her to make sure shereturns home at the earliest possible time. He may also monitor her checkbook, e-mails, phonecalls, or vehicle usage. The abuser keeps her on a very short leash. It is crucial that he keep hercompletely isolated and dependent on him for everything. The Abuser is Cruel The verbal wounds inflicted on his victims through undeserved rage or slanderous denigrationleaves them emotionally battered, with scars that last a lifetime. "How can he say such things?" hisvictims wonder. There is no good answer.
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