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How to be awful

How to be awful

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Published by Sam Natale
Uploaded from Google Docs
Uploaded from Google Docs

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Published by: Sam Natale on Jan 24, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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05/13/2014

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Five ways to be awful and still feel good about yourself By _____ You’re a good person. And with the right partner, you can be excellent boyfriend or girlfriend.You know it because you were so well-behaved for that really great relationship sophomoreyear, and when it was long-distance, you didn’t cheat that whole summer. One day when you’reolder, you’ll be that committed and that honest again. But until then, you will be terrible.
1. Refuse to be in a relationship. Being “in a relationship” is the only reason to act like arespectable human being
. You’re not a terrible person; you give great massages. You justdon’t have an obligation to be that wonderful, responsible person in anything but an officialcommitment. A commitment to be less than perfectly selfish would involve changing your facebook status. Or you would do that, if you hadn’t abandoned FB relationship statii when theads clearly designed for single people kept making you feel fat and lonely.Outside of that, any and all emotional harm that comes to someone else can be blamed ontheir attachment. It’s not a relationship unless you call it one. You never said you wouldn’t sleepwith someone else. You never said it wouldn’t be a friend of theirs. You never said you wouldn’tsuddenly stop returning their calls. Why should any of that matter, it’s not like you were even ina relationship. Play with their hair, surprise them with gifts, make them a mix cd. Feel indignantwhen their emotions become inconvenient.
Remember:
Live like an off-brand retail tycoon. Caveat emptor- it’s their fault for trusting you. Know thatwe’re all rational actors; if you really were doing horrid, irreparable harm to their psyche, thenthey would leave. Apparently, the great sex, and the take out food you bring home and the nextseason of that TV show you started watching together are worth it for them.(It is also worth mentioning that ours is the first generation in history for whom beginning a TVbox set is a more serious emotional investment than having sex.)
2. Use being a twenty-something as a constant exception
. Live like an Arab dictator anddeclare a state of emergency for the better part of a decade. This is college. This is your senior year. This is your year off. This is being a twenty-something. Live in an echo chamber of your own mistakes by surrounding yourself with people too amused by your ongoing trainwreck to doanything less than encourage you. Whatever it is, do it, because everyone will love hearingabout it in the morning.Experiment. If it’s cute and novel and finds you charming, fuck it. Fuck someone in arelationship. Fuck your co-worker. Fuck your best friend. A man eight years older. A girl fiveyears younger. Lie constantly and allegedly for the benefit of others. Did you ever involve theword ‘cancer’ while lying to cancel a second date? Great! Great.

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