Why Men Have Affairs
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Decoded: Should You Stay Married?
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by LAURIE WEISS, PH.D.Page 3© Laurie Weiss
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All Rights Reserved
Why Men Have Affairs
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Decoded:Should You Stay Married?
She caught her husband having an affair and now he wants to save the marriage. Her actualquestion was "If someone cheats, why the hell would he want to save his marriage?" Thequestion could have been asked by anyone whose spouse is begging for forgiveness. Of coursethere are as many reasons for having an affair as there are people having them, but thosereasons fall into only a few categories. Knowing what those categories are can help you decidewhat to do next.
The Narcissist
A narcissist has affairs because he thinks he has a right to them. He has never matured past the
toddler position that “the world should revolve around me and what I need and what I want.”His basic position is “what’s mine
is mine and what’s yours —
or anyone’s —
is mine.” He is the
man who can't understand why his wife is upset because he has a mistress. He wants them bothand is unlikely to change his belief that he should have both.He is contrite and puts on a good show. He looks and sounds charming and often tries to makehis wife look like the unreasonable one. You have several examples of political and religiousleaders in the media whose double lives have been exposed. Think Newt Gingrich and JohnEdwards. Arnold Schwarzenegger might also fall into this category, but might fit better in thenext.
The Old Fashioned Chauvinist
In some cultures having both a wife and mistress was acceptable. The wife was to providestability and children while the mistress was for entertainment. While the mistress was nothidden, the wife generally ignored her. The man provided well for both and the expectationsabout what was acceptable behavior between a husband and wife were very different than theyare now.Some men think they are still living in such a culture. They love their wives and families, don'twant to hurt them and think they can manage their lives this way. Sometimes they can. I thinkthey differ from narcissists in that they can genuinely care about other people.
The Sex Addict
The sex addict lives a double life. He feels compelled to have very frequent brief sexualencounters with many women -- sometimes several in the same day. He may not even knowtheir names. As in any addiction, satisfying his craving for what he thinks he needs, whether it'ssex, alcohol or drugs, takes precedent over anything else in his life.
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