Domestic Bliss and Other Oxymorons by YourPeripheryJensen calls his mom once a week, without fail.Once, just a couple months after he first moved to L.A., he'd gone eleven days without callinghome. He was living in some shitty studio apartment on the outskirts of Koreatown and he hadn'teven gotten around to plugging in his answering machine.On the twelfth night of not calling, he'd stumbled home from Sunset with some pretty blondeattached to his mouth, fumbled the key in the lock, and opened the door to find his mother perchedat the edge of his futon, suitcase by her feet. "Surprise," she'd said, not smiling.Jensen doesn't like surprises, so come hell or high water—drought, famine, locusts, or ChadMichael Murray—Jensen calls his mother once a week.The conversations are always pretty much the same. She'll tell him all about the carnival fundraiser she's helping to organize for the church, or complain about how long it took to get her oil changed,or she'll go into extraordinary detail about the crap Cow, her dog, took all over the Oriental rug inthe dining room."He's just been so naughty lately. Pooping on the rug! Did I tell you he peed on your father?""No.""He peed on your father!""Cow is like a hundred and ten in dog years, Mom. He probably can't feel his asshole anymore,much less keep it in the off position long enough to make it outside.""Language, Jensen. Now, tell me how things are going for you. How's living with Jared?"That's the part of the conversation where his mom always checks out. As soon as she hands him thetalking stick, he usually hears the TV go on in the background or the telltale chime of her iMac booting up."I don't live with him. I've got an appointment with the realtor on Saturday morning.""Mmhmm.""But, since you asked, it sucks. He goes to bed at nine o'clock some nights and insists that the TV be off so he can get maximum REM. But when he's up at three-thirty in the morning making his protein shakes in the blender that you can hear from Mars, does he think about the fact that I'msleeping one room over? No. He does not.""Mmhmm.""Plus, he's always parking me in. Biggest driveway in the world, and he always manages to park his big-ass ridiculous truck at some bizarre angle that means I can't get out without making him movefirst.""Mmhmm."