Shyness: A Mental Disorder or Personality Quirk?

by Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of Parenting an Only Child: The Joys

and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only

I listened to her parents beg, “Talk to your Uncle Steve.” From the
time she was able to talk, with the exception being her father, Annie
refused to speak to her uncle and most adult males. She spoke to her
mother and her aunt at full tilt and somewhat to a few female grown-ups. At five-
years-old, she would play games with me when we were together once or twice a
year, but spoke as little as possible. “Your turn,” she said, or pulling another game
off the shelf, “Can we play this one?” Not the chatter you would expect from a
bright, young lady starting school.

Annie resisted monumental bribes including a trip to Disney World bankrolled by

Uncle Steve if she would just acknowledge him. Her parents worried: Would Annie
outgrow her shyness? Or would it be a lifelong affliction? Was her shyness a form of
mental illness? Did she need medication? Was her shyness related to being an only
child?

Shyness, like so many other labels, is one people hastily attached to only children
in spite of the fact that years ago researchers discovered no link. In 1998 Jerome
Kagan reported that shyness had a biological base and that only children were the
same in this respect as their peers who had siblings. A commenter to, Is One Child
the New Traditional Family, like many parents I’ve talked with, feels the same way.
She wrote:

“…People/children are born with inborn traits such as outgoing or shy. Having
a sibling does not change that for the most part. I have one daughter and let
me tell you she is a very social outgoing child...it seems to be almost natural
for her. I think some people have great social skills while for others it is not
the strongest aspect of their personality. Sometimes an overly shy child will
cling/hide behind the sibling which is not so healthy either.”

Researcher Judith Blake found that “only children may actually be more outgoing
and have more friends than kids from larger families.” Based on evidence, It’s safe
to strike “shy” from the only child stereotypical label list. But Is shyness is a mental
health condition that should be treated? And if so, when and how?

In March of this year Murray B Stein, Professor of Psychiatry and Family &
Preventive Medicine at the University of California, San Diego discussed the origins
of shyness, when it can be classified as a mental illness and treatments available.
He noted that 5 percent of the population has social anxiety disorder at a level that
interferes with their functioning. But, he adds, “a range of effective cognitive
behavioral and pharmacological treatments for children and adults exists.”
When not engaging with others including family members severely limits activities,
shyness can be a huge problem. An article in the BBC News Magazine reports that
“acute shyness is one of the most under-recognized mental health problems of the
modern age say some.” In the same article, Harvard Medical School Professor
Ronald Kessler is quoted as saying, “social phobia is tragic and the tragedy is that
it’s relatively easily treated but most people don’t get treatment.”

Drug companies push their anti-depressant offerings as a cure. One camp believes
oxytocin hormone (released from the brain) delivered in a form like Pitocin used to
induce labor may be the answer when served up as a nasal spray. The Spanish
National Institute of Toxicology (NIT) warns that the language used to describe the
antide-pressant Seroxat (paroxetine) known as the “anti-shyness pill” may lead to
its overuse or incorrect use with children, teens, and young adults.

Others advocate for counseling as the answer for extreme shyness that results in
social phobia. Are these wise approaches for the shy child? In spite of her
unwillingness to talk to her Uncle Steve, as a child Annie related well to her girl
friends, and by junior high to males and family members without any intervention.
New situations and making new friends were a bit more problematic for Annie, but
once over the initial hump and engaged, she added new peers to friend list readily.

Being slow to warm up and needing some degree of familiarization with a situation
before feeling “safe” may be shyness on the mid to low end of the spectrum, but it’s
not a label parents want to attach to their child. Saying “Oh, she’s just shy” only
reinforces the hesitancy you’re trying to reduce. And, labels endure. He or she
could very well outgrow it or learn to overcome it without drugs and/or therapy. If
you have a shy child, be patient and offer words or ideas she can use to ease into
new situations that seem difficult. Recognize where your child is on the spectrum
and understand that the reluctance will probably work itself out. If it doesn’t,
respect your child’s non-aggressive temperament and tentativeness; feel grateful
that you don’t have an aggressive, loud-mouth offspring from whom others try to
escape.

Do you recall being painfully shy as a child? Did you outgrow it? Or, would you
classify yourself as a social phobic. Would you, like some experts in the field, define
your aversion to social situations a mental illness?

I hope you will add to the discussion already begun at Psychology Today Magazine.
To sign up for Dr. Newman’s “Family Life Alerts,” a periodic e-mail newsletter,
send an e-mail to newman@susannewmanphd.com Put “Family Life Alerts” in the
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Social psychologist and parenting expert, Susan Newman, specializes in issues

impacting family life. She is the author of 13 books including The Book of NO: 250
Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill) and
Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only
(Doubleday/Broadway Books).