Desperate Housewives S01E01 Pilot

Desperate Housewives S01S05
DesperateHosuewive 15 1/1613
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X01: PILOT -----------------------------------------------------------OPEN ON: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- MORNING] (A school bus drives up the road. Friendly "Good Morning" are exchanged between neighbors. A woman pushes a baby carriage along, while a car pulls out of a driveway and drives down the road. GABRIELLE jogs past a fence on the sidewalk. Pan to: (EXT.YOUNG HOUSE - FRONT YARD) (MARY ALICE comes out of her front door and down the porch steps, carrying a basket of flowers. She kneels in front of her flowerbed, and smells a flower, smiling faintly.) NARRATOR: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life. That all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed as normal at first. I made my breakfast for my family. (Cut to: MARY ALICE, carrying a plate of waffles to the breakfast table, where PAUL and ZACH are sitting. She passes the plate to PAUL.) MARY ALICE::Here we are. Waffles. NARRATOR: I performed my chores. (Cut to: MARY ALICE, flipping a switch on the washing machine, and then lifting a basket of clothing off the machine. NARRATOR: I completed my projects. (Cut to: MARY ALICE, stirring a paintbrush in a can of paint and painting a garden chair) NARRATOR: I ran my errands (Cut to: MARY ALICE picking up the dry-cleaning, then retrieving the mail from the mailbox.) NARRATOR: In truth, I spent the day as I spend every other day - quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. (Cut to: MARY ALICE, straightening a photo frames on top of the piano. She sighs with satisfaction, a contented smile on her face.) NARRATOR: That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet to retrieve a revolver that had never been used. (Cut to: MARY ALICE takes a box off a shelf in the closet. Looking worried and distraught, she shakily puts a revolver to her temple. We see a finger pulling the trigger, and a loud shot is heard. The camera stays on the YOUNG family picture, as the blurred reflection of MARY ALICE is shown in the frame of the picture falling to the ground.) (Cut to: MRS. HUBER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN) (MRS. HUBER's finger dips into a pool of red sauce (resembling blood). She licks the sauce on her finger, as she turns her head towards the YOUNG house, puzzled by the sound she's heard.)
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NARRATOR: My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me 6 months before. (MRS. HUBER takes a blender labeled Property of MARY ALICE YOUNG off a shelf, and hurries next door to ring the doorbell. Hearing no answer, she hurries to the side of the house, where she peers inside the window and sees MARY ALICE's dead body lying on the ground, a pool of blood next to her. She screams. We see MRS. HUBER hurry back to her own house.) MRS HUBER: (on the phone) It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot, there's blood everywhere. Yes, you've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now! (MRS. HUBER hangs up the phone. She stands in the kitchen, lips trembling, fighting tears.) NARRATOR: And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But, only for a moment. (MRS. HUBER turns her head sideways, noticing the blender sitting on the kitchen counter. She rips the label off the blender, and puts it back on her shelf.) NARRATOR: If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. (MRS. HUBER shuts the cupboard door.) OPENING CREDITS -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- DAY] (Residents wearing black clothing and bearing plates and baskets of food are walking towards the YOUNG household) NARRATOR: I was laid to rest on a Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as people do in this situation, they brought food. (Pan to: LYNETTE, holding a plate of fried chicken with one hand as she walks.) NARRATOR: Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. (Flashback to: LYNETTE talking animatedly in a conference room as she points at a projected screen with charts and figures, a room full of corporate businesspeople taking notes or watching as she shows her presentation, smiling with confidence.) NARRATOR: Of course, she didn't cook much as she was moving up the corporate ladder. She didn't have the time. (Fade to: The doctor's office, where he performs a sonogram on LYNETTE's exposed belly, as LYNETTE lies in a chair watching the screen, laughing with excitement. Her husband, TOM, sits next to her as he watches with amazement at the sonogram, holding LYNETTE's hand.) NARRATOR: But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea. Why not quit your job? Kids do much better with stay at home mums; it was so much less stressful. (We see TOM gesturing, talking animatedly as he proposes this idea to LYNETTE, who nods hesitantly in agreement as she looks at him.) NARRATOR: But this was not the case. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (LYNETTE pushes a baby carriage with her free hand, looking weary. The SCAVO children, Twins PRESTON & PORTER, and the younger brother PARKER, jostle each other as they walk on the sidewalk in front of the carriage, bickering rowdily with each other.) NARRATOR: In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony of it if she stopped to think about it, but she couldn't. She didn't have the time.
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(LYNETTE pushes in front of the 3 boys, trying to separate them.) LYNETTE: Hey, hey, hey, hey! (She kneels in front of them with a stern look on her face.) LYNETTE: Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop it. PRESTON: But Mom! LYNETTE: No, you are going to behave today. I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am... (Reaches inside her top and pulls a folded piece of paper from her pocket) PRESTON: What's that? LYNETTE: Santa's cell-phone number. PORTER: How'd you get that? LYNETTE: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if anyone of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. You willing to risk that? SCAVO kids: Uh-uh! (All shake their heads vehemently) LYNETTE: Okay. (She tucks the paper back in her pocket, and straightens.) LYNETTE: Let's get this over with. (The camera pans across the road.) (Pan to: EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD) (CARLOS stands outside, hands in his pocket, turning his head to see GABRIELLE come out of the front door, holding a plate in one hand and a bag in the other. She wears a black halter neck dress, black high heels and an expensive diamond necklace. ) NARRATOR: Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella. (Flashback to: GABRIELLE, strutting down a runway, wearing a pink dress as she models, the crowd is clapping and many cameras are flashing. The camera pans to CARLOS sitting in the audience.) NARRATOR: Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. (Flash to: GABRIELLE and CARLOS, sitting in a restaurant. CARLOS holds out a ring as GABRIELLE gasps, excitedly hopping up and down in her chair as she agrees, smiling and laughing. We see the gleam of CARLOS tears of happiness as he smiles at her.) NARRATOR: But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GABRIELLE walks down the pathway to where CARLOS is waiting, and hands him the plate. They start walking together towards the YOUNG house.) NARRATOR: Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler. CARLOS: If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace. GABRIELLE: Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest? CARLOS: He let me know how much he paid for his wife's new convertible. Look, just work it into the conversation. GABRIELLE: There's no way I can just work that in, Carlos. CARLOS: Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds. And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield. GABRIELLE: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.
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CARLOS: Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down please? GABRIELLE: (sigh) Absolutely. Wouldn't want them to think we're not happy. -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [EXT. YOUNG HOUSE - PORCH]. (The door opens to BREE's serenely smiling face. We see REX, her husband, behind her, an expression of exasperation on his face.) NARRATOR: Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking. (Flashback to: BREE, sitting at a sewing machine, making clothes.) NARRATOR: And for making her own clothes. (Cut to: BREE, garbed in work-wear, planting a tree.) NARRATOR: And for doing her own gardening. (Cut to: BREE, using a hand knife to slice open the cover of a stuffed chair.) NARRATOR: And for reupholstering her own furniture. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) NARRATOR: Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family. (We see an exasperated REX, and her children - an annoyed ANDREW and a frazzled-looking DANIELLE behind BREE, the very image of perfection. She carries a basket of baked goods in each hand as she walks up to PAUL and ZACH, looking sympathetic.) BREE: Paul, Zachary. ZACH: Hello Mrs. Van De Kamp. PAUL: Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble. (PAUL extends his hands to take the baskets from BREE, who moves the baskets out of his reach as he tries to take them from her.) BREE: It was no trouble at all. Now the basket with the red ribbon (holds up the basket) is filled with desserts for your guests. But the one with the blue ribbon (holds up the other basket) is just for you and Zachary. It's got rolls, muffins, breakfast type things. PAUL: Thank you. BREE: Well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning. I know you're out of your minds with grief. (REX, ANDREW and DANIELLE exchange long-suffering glances and mental eyeballing.) PAUL: Yes, we are. BREE: (beat) Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done. (Smiling serenely) (REX looks with disbelief at his wife.) PAUL: (taken back) Of course. (BREE walks off with the baskets, leaving the rest of them stunned. REX is literally open-mouthed with disbelief.) (Cut to: EXT. MAYER HOUSE - PORCH --- DAY) (SUSAN and her daughter JULIE comes out of their front door. SUSAN holds a flat, rectangular dish covered in tin foil. The wind blows the foil off; SUSAN snatches it back and recovers the dish as she and JULIE walk down the pathway. NARRATOR: Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Karl always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Karl moved into their new house. (Flashback to: SUSAN and KARL sitting at their kitchen table, laughing and smiling. JULIE, as a baby, is
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sitting between them.) NARRATOR: It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Karl's shirt. (Cut to: SUSAN throws a towel at KARL, who catches it and throws it on the ground, as they yell at each other. JULIE, as a toddler, sits there watching her parents argue.) NARRATOR: She burned it the night Karl told her he was leaving her for his secretary. (Cut to: SUSAN and JULIE at about 13, sits at the table, the macaroni and cheese in the middle, untouched. KARL comes down the stairs carrying suitcases, and leaves via the kitchen door. SUSAN starts crying, as JULIE rubs her arm.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) NARRATOR: A year had passed since the divorce. Susan was starting to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking. JULIE: Mom, why would someone kill themselves? SUSAN: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy they think it's the only way they can solve their problems. JULIE: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy. SUSAN: Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside and they're totally different on the inside. JULIE: Oh you mean how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things but deep down you just know she's a bitch. SUSAN: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example. (Cut to: YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- WAKE --- DAY SUSAN and JULIE walk in the front door. SUSAN puts the dish down on the table and takes the tin foil off. JULIE joins the teenage group standing next to the table.) JULIE: Hey, what's going on? (Cut to: YOUNG HOUSE - KITCHEN -- WAKE --- DAY SUSAN walks in, dumping the tin foil in the bin. BREE, GABRIELLE and LYNETTE are sitting around at the kitchen table. LYNETTE is holding the baby.) SUSAN: Sorry I'm late. GABRIELLE: Hi Susan. LYNETTE: (smiles at SUSAN) Hey. (BREE looks up at SUSAN, looking upset. SUSAN takes her place at the table, and looks at the one empty chair in the table, where MARY ALICE used to sit. She picks up the coffee pot, and starts pouring coffee into a mug. We follow the stream of coffee into the mug.) (Flashback to: The same stream of coffee being poured into a mug. SUSAN looks up at MARY ALICE, who is pouring coffee into SUSAN'S mug. MARY ALICE sits back down in her seat and puts down the coffee jug.) MARY ALICE (to SUSAN) :So? What did Karl say when you confronted him? SUSAN: You'll love this, he said it doesn't mean anything, it was just sex. (They all groan.) BREE: Oh yes, page one of the philanderer's handbook. SUSAN: Yeah, and then he got this Zen look on his face, and he said, you know Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation. LYNETTE: Please tell me you punched him. SUSAN: No, I said, really? And what do most women lead, lives of noisy fulfillment? GABRIELLE: (raises her eyebrows) Hmm. MARY ALICE: Good for you. SUSAN: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch. GABRIELLE: It's like my grandmother always said, an erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
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LYNETTE: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical. BREE: This is half the reason I joined the NRA. (SUSAN looks at her.) Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted at the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home, with a loaded Smith and Wesson. MARY ALICE: Lynnie? Tom's always away on business. Do you ever worry he might..? LYNETTE: Oh, please, the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. (Smiles) BREE: So Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman? SUSAN: I don't know. (Smiles, tearing up) I'm sorry you guys, I just... I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. MARY ALICE: Listen to me. (Puts her hand on SUSAN's hand) We all have moments of desperation. But if we can face them head on, that's how we find out just how strong we really are. (SUSAN puts her other hand on top of MARY ALICE's hand, smiling at her.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) BREE: Susan? Susan. (SUSAN withdraws her hand from the same position from the flashback.) I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday. He needs us to go through Mary Alice's closet, and help pack up her things. He says he can't face doing it by himself. SUSAN: Sure, that's fine. BREE: Are you OK? SUSAN: Yeah. I'm just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us; she should have let us help her. GABRIELLE: What kind of problems could she have had? She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was? LYNETTE: -our life. GABRIELLE: No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes. SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must've been going on. (They all look down and consider this point, as PAUL, unseen, leans against the living room doorway, eavesdropping on their conversation. He sips his drink, looking very shifty and suspicious, like he knows more than he's letting on.) (Cut to: YOUNG HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- WAKE --- DAY) (Food is set out on the table buffet-style. SUSAN walks into the room, where MIKE is spooning some of SUSAN's macaroni and cheese onto his plate) SUSAN: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you. MIKE: Why? SUSAN: I made it, trust me. (MIKE prepares to take a bite) Hey, hey, do you have a death wish? MIKE: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. (MIKE takes a bite of the macaroni, as SUSAN gestures apologetically, smiling.) MIKE: Oh my god. (Makes a face) How did you? It tastes like it's burnt and undercooked. SUSAN: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go. (SUSAN gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue.) MIKE: Thanks. I'm Mike Delfino, I just rented out the Sim's house next door. SUSAN: Susan Mayer, I live across the street. MIKE: Oh yeah, Mrs. Huber told me about you, said you illustrate children's books. SUSAN: Yeah I'm very big with the under 5 set. (MIKE laughs) What do you do? MIKE: Plumber. So if you ever have a clog. Or something.
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SUSAN: (laughs) Now that everybody's seen that I've brought something, I should probably just throw this out. (JULIE looks over to see SUSAN and MIKE flirting with each other, smiles. SUSAN takes the dish of macaroni and walks off. MIKE watches her as she leaves. She stops and looks back at MIKE. She smiles, and then continues walking to the next room.) (Cut to: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - BACK ROOM WINDOW SEAT -- WAKE --- DAY LYNETTE struggles with the baby, covering it in a blanket. MRS. HUBER hurries up the path, sees LYNETTE through the window and comes in.) LYNETTE: (to baby) Ow! Ease up, you little vampire. MRS. HUBER: Lynette! I've been looking all over for you. LYNETTE: Oh. (Smiles, distracted by the baby) MRS. HUBER: Are you aware of what your sons are doing? (LYNETTE's smile drops instantly) (Cut to: EXT. YOUNG HOUSE - POOL SIDE --- DAY The SCAVO kids are swimming in the pool, splashing, generally making lots of noise. Their nice shoes and clothes are discarded at the poolside.) SCAVO kids: Stop. Arrrggggh. Hah! (LYNETTE hurries down the path to the poolside holding the baby. She stops at the poolside, appalled at what she sees.) LYNETTE: What are you doing!? We are at a wake! PRESTON: When we got here, you said we could go in the pool. LYNETTE: (crouches down) I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?? PORTER: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes just before we left. LYNETTE: You three planned this?? Alright, that's it. Get out! PORTER: No! LYNETTE: No? I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on. PRESTON: We wanna swim and you can't stop us. (LYNETTE looks around at the whole neighborhood watching, helpless. The SCAVO kids all float in the water, their arms crossed in defiance. Seeing this, LYNETTE raises her eyebrow and sets her face with angry resolve.) LYNETTE: (gives the baby to a man standing nearby) Here. (LYNETTE steps into the pool, holding her skirt as she walks down the pool steps towards the boys. The boys' mouths drop open in surprise.) LYNETTE: Get out. Or I will get in this pool and just grab you, get out! Get over here. Get over here. Get back or I'll kill you. ((LYNETTE struggles in the pool with the boys, splashing around as the boys try to swim away from her.) LYNETTE: That's right, get over here. Go, go, go, ugh. Move it. Out. Get out. (PAUL and ZACH walk out by the pool, watching in amazement. SUSAN puts her hands over her mouth with embarrassment, as REX, ANDREW and DANIELLE, laughing in amazement, comes out to watch. The water flies everywhere as LYNETTE struggles to catch hold of her kids. PAUL looks down at his jacket as water splashes onto his suit. LYNETTE manages to grab onto PRESTON's foot, dragging him towards the edge of the pool, as she catches hold of PARKER's foot as well. She manages to pull them up the steps and out of the pool, herself soaking wet. She glares at PORTER floating in the water, who gets out of the pool in a hurry. LYNETTE takes the baby from the man, then goes up to PAUL, flustered, as the boys gather their clothes.) LYNETTE: Paul. We have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. (to kids) Go! (LYNETTE hurries the boys along the path as PAUL watches them leave. He turns, and looks into the pool.
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The camera moves into the pool, looking up at PAUL as he stares menacingly into the watery depths.) NARRATOR: Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband. He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface. -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- DAWN] (A newspaper boy on a bike rides along the road, throwing newspapers at each home as he rides by.) NARRATOR: The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives. Some did their cooking. (Cut to: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN --- DAY LYNETTE struggles with her kids in her home, as the boys throw cereal around.) NARRATOR: And some did their cleaning. (Cut to: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - BATHROOM --- DAY BREE kneels next to the toilet, holding a scrubber, scrubbing the toilet ferociously.) NARRATOR: And some did their yoga. (Cut to: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - FOYER --- DAY We look out at GABRIELLE, who strikes a yoga stance on a mat in front of her open door.) NARRATOR: Others did their homework. (Cut to: EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- DAY A soccer ball is kicked high in the air towards a house.) (Cut to: INT. DELFINO HOUSE - FOYER --- DAY The sound of a doorbell ringing. The door opens, and MIKE looks out at JULIE, who smiles apologetically.) JULIE: Hi. (MIKE's dog barks, and MIKE puts a hand on the dog's neck to calm it down. He looks at JULIE.) JULIE: I'm Julie; I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard. MIKE: Oh, OK. Well, let's go round and get it. (To dog) Stay. (Cut to: INT. MAYER HOUSE - SUSAN- WORK STUDIO --- DAY JULIE paces the floor walking back and forth, throwing the soccer ball up and down as she talks. SUSAN is working on her illustrations.) JULIE: (to SUSAN) His wife died a year ago, he wanted to stay in LA but there were too many memories. He's renting for tax purposes, but he's hoping to buy a place real soon. SUSAN: I can't believe you went over there. JULIE: Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake. You're obviously into each other. Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out. SUSAN: Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do. It's just, I don't know if I'm ready to start dating yet. JULIE: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you're had sex? (SUSAN's pen halts stroke. She turns to look at JULIE, open-mouthed.) Are you mad that I asked you that? SUSAN: No, I'm just trying to remember. (JULIE tilts her head to one side, smiling at SUSAN, who turns back to her drawing.) I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out. JULIE: I wouldn't have said anything it's just? SUSAN: (turns around to look at JULIE) What? JULIE: I heard Dad's girlfriend asking if you'd dated anyone since the divorce, and Dad said he doubted it. (SUSAN looks down at her lap.) And then they both laughed. (SUSAN turns to look at JULIE, mouth open in indignation. That does it.) (Cut to: EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- DAY SUSAN, holding a pot-plant, hurries along the road and walks up the steps to MIKE's house to ring his doorbell. We hear the dog bark as MIKE opens the door.) MIKE: Hey, Susan. SUSAN: Hi Mike. (Smiles) I brought you a little housewarming gift. I probably should've brought something by earlier, but...
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MIKE: Actually, you're the first in the neighborhood to stop by. SUSAN: Really? (She laughs) NARRATOR: Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane, and she was the first to find out. But she also knew that good news travels quickly. EDIE: (waving as she walks, holding a dish) Hello there! NARRATOR: (slow motion shot of Edie jogging towards MIKE and SUSAN) Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius. Her conquests were numerous. (Flashback to: EDIE and a workman in her living room. She grabs him, as his toolbox drops on the ground with a crash.) NARRATOR: Varied? (Cut to: a tennis coach standing behind EDIE in her living room, helping her swing a tennis racquet with her right hand. She turns and kisses him, pushing him onto her couch.) NARRATOR: And legendary. (Cut to: EDIE, sitting on her couch. She looks up at a priest, and pulls him down on top of her. He yells, his Bible dropping onto the ground.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (EDIE walks up to the porch, pushing her sunglasses onto her head.) EDIE: Hi Susan, I hope I'm not interrupting. You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I'm Edie. Britt. I live over there (points). Welcome to Wisteria Lane. (SUSAN shifts uncomfortably.) NARRATOR: Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut. MIKE: Thank you, what's this? EDIE: Sausage Puttenesca. It's just something I threw together. (SUSAN looks at her disbelievingly.) MIKE: Thanks, Edie. (Laughs) That's great. Uh, I'd invite you both in, but I was sorta in the middle of something. SUSAN: (overlapping EDIE) Oh, I'm late for an appointment anyway. EDIE: (overlapping SUSAN) Oh, no problem, I just wanted to say hi. MIKE: Well, thanks. (SUSAN and EDIE walk down the steps of the porch, and down the walkway.) NARRATOR: And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly. EDIE: (turns suddenly) Oh, Mike. I heard you're a plumber? MIKE: Yeah. EDIE: Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes? NARRATOR: But she was reminded that when it came to men? Women don't fight fair. MIKE: Sure. EDIE: Thanks. (EDIE smiles, following SUSAN down the path.) Bye Susan. (SUSAN waves halfheartedly as she walks in the opposite direction towards her home.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- DINING ROOM --- DAY] GABRIELLE: [OS] You can't order me around like I'm a child! (GABRIELLE paces the floor, hands on her waist as CARLOS packs his suitcase for work) CARLOS: Gabrielle... GABRIELLE: No. No, no, no, I'm not going. CARLOS: It's business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives. GABRIELLE: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass. CARLOS: (puts his hand on GABRIELLE's shoulder) I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year.
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If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. (CARLOS walks out of the front door and down the porch steps. He stops at the bottom of the steps, and looks sideways to where JOHN is cutting a bush with a pair of gardening shears.) CARLOS: John! JOHN: (pricks his finger on a rose thorn) Ow. (Turns around to look at CARLOS) Mr. Solis. You scared me. CARLOS: Why is that bush still there? I told you to dig it up last week. JOHN: I didn't have time last week. CARLOS: I don't wanna hear your excuses, just take care of it. (GABRIELLE walks out the front door and walks down the porch steps, putting her arms on her waist.) GABRIELLE: (to CARLOS) I really hate the way you talk to me. CARLOS: (walks up to her) And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace that you couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it. (JOHN sucks his finger, watching the argument) So. Can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night? GABRIELLE: (turns sideways to look at JOHN) John. We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen. JOHN: Thanks, Mrs. Solis. (Walks between CARLOS and GABRIELLE, up the porch steps and into the house.) GABRIELLE: (looks at CARLOS coolly) Fine. I'll go. But I'm keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time. CARLOS: (smiles as he walks backwards) See? Now this is what a marriage is all about - compromise. (Turns around and walks towards his car)
(Cut to: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN/DINING ROOM --- DAY JOHN is putting a bandage on his finger. GABRIELLE walks in the front door and comes up to him.) GABRIELLE: Is your finger ok? JOHN: Yeah, yeah, it's just a small cut. GABRIELLE: Let me see. (Takes his hand, and starts kissing his finger) Mmmm. (She puts her arms around his neck, kissing him as she sliding her hands up his back. JOHN breaks off the kiss, backing off to the other side of the room) JOHN: You know, Mrs. Solis, uhh, I really like it when we hook up. (GABRIELLE starts to take off her top slowly) But, um, you know I gotta get my work done, I can't afford to lose this job. (JOHN swallows, watching GABRIELLE as she takes off her shirt.) GABRIELLE: (runs her hand over the tabletop) This table is hand carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him $23,000. JOHN: You wanna do it on the table this time? (Walks towards GABRIELLE) GABRIELLE: Absolutely. (JOHN takes his shirt off and kisses GABRIELLE, laying her down on the table as they start to get it on.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- DINNER --- NIGHT] (The VAN DE KAMP family is seated, eating silently.) DANIELLE: Why can't we ever have normal soup? BREE: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree. DANIELLE: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, french onion or navy bean. BREE: First of all, your father can't eat onions, he's deadly allergic. (REX glances at BREE sullenly.) And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So. How's the osso bucco?
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ANDREW: It's OK. (BREE stares at him.) BREE: It's OK? Andrew, I spent 3 hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it's OK, in that sullen tone? ANDREW: Who asked you to spend 3 hours on dinner? (REX stops chewing, looks at ANDREW. DANIELLE looks at BREE.) BREE: Excuse me? ANDREW: (REX looks back at his plate) Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating, everyone's happy. BREE: You'd rather I serve pork and beans? DANIELLE: Apologize now, I am begging. ANDREW: I'm just saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food? BREE: Are you doing drugs? ANDREW: What!? BREE: (angry) Change in behaviour is one of the warning signs, and you have been as fresh as paint for the last 6 months. (looks down) That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
DANIELLE: (grinning) Trust me, that is not what he is doing. ANDREW: (to DANIELLE) (sot to) Shut up. (REX looks embarrassed. BREE glances at REX, then back at ANDREW incredulously) Mom, I'm not the one with the problem here, alright? You're the one always acting like she's running for mayor of Stepford. BREE: (looks at REX) Rex. Seeing as you're the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something. REX: (beat) Pass the salt? (DANIELLE passes the salt to REX. ANDREW, DANIELLE and REX continue their meal as BREE looks at REX, stunned.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [INT. SUPERMARKET --- DAY] NARRATOR: Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion indignation. (A frazzled LYNETTE is at the crowded supermarket with her children. The baby is sitting in the cart, as, unseen by LYNETTE, the twins sneak off, pushing the other cart into another aisle as LYNETTE talks on the phone.) LYNETTE: (on the phone) Tom, this is my 5th message and you still haven't called me back. Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I wanna have some fun too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you. PRESTON: Mom! LYNETTE: (glances at PRESTON) Not now, honey, Mommy's threatening Daddy. PRESTON: Mom! LYNETTE: (turns around as she throws a bottle in the cart.) No, I am not... (She trails off, noticing the twins are gone) Where're your brothers? (Cut to ARKER pushing PORTER on the shopping cart in another aisle, putting random items from the shelf in the cart.) PORTER: Noodles, my favourite! (Cut to YNETTE, followed by PRESTON, pushes the cart out of the aisle, looking around, trying to find the twins. A SHOPPER looks up to see LYNETTE coming towards her.)
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SHOPPER: Lynette Scavo? LYNETTE: (sotto) Crap. (looks up, smiling widely) Natalie Klein, I don't believe it! SHOPPER: Lynette! How long has it been? LYNETTE:Years! Uh, how are you, how's the firm? SHOPPER: Good, everyone misses you. LYNETTE: Yeah. SHOPPER: We all say, if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now. LYNETTE: Yeah, well. (smiles, looking down) SHOPPER: So?how's domestic life? Don't you just love being a mom? NARRATOR: And there it was - the question that Lynette always dreaded. LYNETTE: (hesitant) Well, to be honest... NARRATOR: To those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So, Lynette responded as she always did - she lied. LYNETTE: It's the best job I've ever had. (smiling widely) (Pan to:A cart comes out of an aisle behind LYNETTE and bumps into an elderly lady, who gasps and falls over. A man hurries to help her up. Sounds of glass breaking are heard as the twins are loudly fascinated by the commotion they're caused. LYNETTE closes her eyes, sighing.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM --- DAY (LATER)] (A schoolbus is seen through the open balcony door, driving along the road. GABRIELLE laughs softly offscreen. The camera pans back as we see GABRIELLE and JOHN naked in bed, covered with sheets. She leans across his body and lights up a cigarette. JOHN: You know what I don't get? GABRIELLE: What? JOHN: Why you married Mr. Solis. (GABRIELLE raises her eyebrows, blows out a mouthful of smoke and leans on JOHN, stroking his chest.) GABRIELLE: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted. JOHN: Well, did he? GABRIELLE: Yes. JOHN: Then... why aren't you happy? (GABRIELLE takes a drag of her cigarette) GABRIELLE: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things. JOHN: So. Do you love him? GABRIELLE: I do. (sighs) JOHN: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this? GABRIELLE: Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out. (kisses JOHN, then takes another drag of her cigarette) JOHN: Hey, can I have a drag? GABRIELLE: Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke. (kisses JOHN again) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [INT. MAYER HOUSE - KITCHEN --- NIGHT] (SUSAN is fixing her hair in the mirror, nervous. JULIE is sitting at the kitchen table, doing a school project of making a model of the Trojan Horse out of popsicle sticks.) SUSAN: (exhales loudly) How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery? JULIE: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
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SUSAN: You're right. ( Stalling) So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes. JULIE: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better. SUSAN: (gapes at JULIE) Tell me again why I fought for custody of you? JULIE: You were using me to hurt Dad. SUSAN: Oh, that're right. (SUSAN kisses JULIE's hair, then opens the kitchen back door to walk outside.) SUSAN: Oh god. (JULIE smiles, looking back down at her project) (Cut to: EXT. MIKE- PORCH - NIGHT SUSAN walks up the steps and rings MIKE's doorbell. He opens the front door.) SUSAN: (smiles) Hi. MIKE: Hey, Susan. SUSAN: Are you busy? MIKE: No, not at all, what's up? SUSAN: Well, I., I just was wondering, if, um, if there was any chance that, um, you would uh... (Nervous laughter) I just... wanted to ask if... (EDIE appears at the door beside MIKE, holding a bottle of beer.) SUSAN: (sees EDIE, surprised) Edie. What are you...? EDIE: I was making ambrosia, and I made too much so I thought I'd bring some over to Mike. What's going on? MIKE: Uh, Susan was just about to ask me something. SUSAN: Uh... (Beat) I have a clog. MIKE: Excuse me? SUSAN: And you're a plumber. Right? MIKE: Yeah. SUSAN: The clog's in the pipe. MIKE: Yeah, that's usually where they are. SUSAN: (laughs) Well, I've got one. MIKE: Well, let me get my tools. SUSAN: Now? You wanna come over now? (Uh oh.) Y-you have company. EDIE: I don't mind. (Smiles innocently at SUSAN) MIKE: Just give me 2 minutes. I'll be right over. (EDIE smirks at SUSAN, then shuts the door. SUSAN lets out a small yelp as she rushes down the porch steps.) (Cut to: INT. SUSAN- HOUSE - KITCHEN --- NIGHT SUSAN and JULIE are at the sink, frantically trying to stuff handfuls of hair down the sink.) SUSAN: That's it, just stuff the hair down. JULIE: I stuffed it; it's not enough to clog it. SUSAN: Here, here, look. Put in this peanut butter. And this cooking oil. (Grabs a jar of olives from the counter) And these olives! JULIE: Mom, Mom I'm telling you it's not working. (The doorbell rings. MIKE is seen through the window outside the kitchen back door. He looks in the window, smiling at SUSAN.) SUSAN: Uh, oh god. That's him. How am I gonna stuff up the sink... (Trails off as she and JULIE turn to notice
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JULIE's miniature Trojan horse sitting on the kitchen table.) (Cut to: INT. SUSAN- HOUSE - KITCHEN --- NIGHT (LATER)) (MIKE is lying on the ground, looking up at the pipes in the kitchen sink. SUSAN is leaning against the kitchen counter as he works.) MIKE: Well. (Takes a bunch of popsicle sticks out of a section of the pipes as he looks up at SUSAN, who tucks some hair behind her ear.) Here's your problem. Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down there. (JULIE creeps down the stairs to peer out at them.) SUSAN: I've told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. (Laughs) Kids, y' know? (MIKE laughs understandingly as SUSAN looks up, smiling. JULIE catches SUSAN's eye and glares at her. SUSAN gestures apologetically at JULIE.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [EXT. SADDLE RANCH CHOP HOUSE --- DUSK] (Fade to: Interior of the restaurant, where the VAN DE KAMP families are sitting in a booth as a SERVER has just finished taking their orders.) SERVER: Alright, I'll go put in your order. I'll be right back with your drinks and your plates for the salad bar. (Walks away) REX: Thank you. BREE: Andrew, Danielle, napkins? (Smiles at them) ANDREW: They have video games. Can we go play until our food gets here? BREE: Andrew. This is family time. I think we should all... REX: (interrupts BREE) Go ahead and play. (DANIELLE and ANDREW look at REX, surprised, as they get up and leave.) BREE: I know that you think I'm angry about coming here, but I'm not. I mean, the kids wanted a change of pace, something fun. I get it. (Smiles at REX) Probably will want something healthier tomorrow night though, I'm thinking about chicken? REX: (interrupts BREE) I want a divorce. (BREE looks at him, stunned) I just can't live in this... this detergent commercial anymore. (The SERVER stops beside their table.) SERVER: The salad bar's rights over there, help yourself. REX: Thank you.(watches as the SERVER walks away) BREE: Um. Think I'll go get your salad for you. (BREE takes his plate and walks to the salad bar. MRS. HUBER sees her and gets up, following BREE to the salad bar. BREE puts some lettuce leaves on the plate as MRS. HUBER comes up to her.) MRS. HUBER: Bree Van De Kamp! BREE: (looks up, startled) Oh, hello Mrs. Huber. (Distractedly putting some onions onto REX's salad.) MRS. HUBER: Oh we didn't get a chance to talk at Mary Alice's wake. How are you doing? (BREE is lost for words, unable to answer as she looks back at REX sitting in their booth, avoiding her eyes.) NARRATOR: Bree longed to share the truth about her husband's painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option. BREE: (smiles at MRS. HUBER) Great. Everything is just great. (Puts some dressing on the salad) (Cut to: BREE slides back into their booth, where REX is sitting.) BREE: Okay, well, I got you the honey mustard dressing; the ranch looked just a little bit suspect. (Starts cutting the bread as REX sighs, starting on his salad) REX: (chews the salad as he watches BREE) Are we gonna talk about what I just said? BREE: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are
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labeled "chicks" and "dudes "(looks up at REX), you're out of your mind. REX: (starts to choke, wheezing. He gestures at his salad) What's in this? BREE: What do you mean what's in this? It's salad. REX: With? (Coughing and wheezing) with onions? BREE: What? REX: (fighting for breath) You put onions in my salad!! (REX slides out of the booth, collapsing on the floor as he pulls the tablecloth, and everything on it, along with him on the ground. BREE stands up, stunned as she watches him collapsed on the floor.) BREE: (gasps) No, I didn't! (Realizing) Oh wait? -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [INT. YOUNG HOUSE - ZACH'S ROOM --- NIGHT] (A sound of a pick awakens ZACH, who slides out of bed, puts on his glasses and looks out the window.) NARRATOR: The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before, many years ago, when he was quite young. (ZACH walks along the garden path, towards the sound. He comes to the pool, where PAUL has drained the water, and is digging the rocks and dirt on the bottom with a pick.) NARRATOR: But he recognized it instantly. (PAUL looks up at ZACH, who watches him, breathing hard. PAUL returns to his task, using the pick to loosen the concrete at the bottom of the pool systematically, lit by only a small light propped up next to him. ZACH just stands at the side of the pool, watching, as we hear the sounds of PAUL grunting as he hacks at the concrete.) NARRATOR: It was the sound of family secret. -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- MORNING] (Cut to: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN --- MORNING LYNETTE is feeding the baby, trying to coax him to eat pured peaches.) NARRATOR: Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate. (The baby flicks a spoonful of peaches onto LYNETTE's face and shirt. The baby gurgles with laughter. She puts her head in her hands as PARKER appears at the open doorway.) PARKER: Mommy, Mommy! LYNETTE: (sotto) Now what. PARKER: Daddy's home! (LYNETTE turns to look at the doorway, surprised.) (TOM appears at the door, holding a luggage bag, PORTER and PRESTON in his arms, PARKER hanging onto his trouser leg.) TOM: (laughing) Come on! Is everybody home? LYNETTE: Hey, yeah! (Smiling and laughing, she gets up and picks up the baby. She is surprised, happy to see him.) SCAVO kids: Yeah, yeah! TOM: Hey! LYNETTE: I wasn't expecting you for a week! TOM: (puts PORTER and PRESTON on the floor as he pats the baby on the head. LYNETTE wipes some of the peach off her face.) I have to go back to Frisco in the morning. When I got your call, you sounded a little frazzled. (Kisses LYNETTE) LYNETTE: Yeah! It's been a little rough!
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TOM: Hmm, yeah, peaches. PARKER: Daddy, Daddy, did you buy us any presents? TOM: Oh god presents. Oh, wait a minute, lemme see. (Takes a rugby ball out of his bag) Ooooh. SCAVO kids: Yaaaaayyy! (LYNETTE smiles) TOM: But I'm not gonna give it to you, unless you promise me that you're gonna go outside right now and practice throwing for 20 minutes, okay? You promise? SCAVO kids: Yeah, yeah, yeah!! (All run outside) TOM: Get out! Who's open! Go left! (Throws the ball out the open doorway) SCAVO kids: Yeah yeah yeah! TOM: Deeper, deeper, touchdown! (throws his arms up in the air) (Cut to: TOM and LYNETTE, bursting through the doorway to their bedroom, kissing and giggling) LYNETTE: Oh my god, oh my, oh! (They collapse on the bed, TOM on top of LYNETTE.) LYNETTE: Ooh, you gotta be kidding! I'm exhausted! I look terrible, I'm covered in peaches! TOM: Sorry baby, I gotta have you. LYNETTE: (rubs her forehead with her hand) Well, is it ok if I just lie here? TOM: Absolutely. (Kisses her) LYNETTE: (giggles) I love you. TOM: I love you more. (LYNETTE giggles as they kiss) LYNETTE: Oh wait, I gotta tell you, I was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom. TOM: Condom? LYNETTE: Yeah. TOM: What's the big deal? Let's risk it. LYNETTE: (incredulous) Let's risk it? TOM: Yeah. LYNETTE: Ooh! (Hits him on the face) (TOM collapses on the bed, groaning, holding his face. LYNETTE hits him with a stuffed toy.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [INT. HOSPITAL - REX'S ROOM --- DAY] (REX is lying in the hospital bed, watching BREE, who sits a chair next to the bed, avoiding his eyes.) REX: I can't believe you tried to kill me. BREE: Yes, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over and I got distracted. It was a mistake. REX: Since when do you make mistakes? BREE: (laughing) What's that supposed to mean? REX: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I-I-I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making the bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. (BREE looks incredulously at REX) You're, you're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like we owe the Hendersons a dinner? (BREE looks down in at her lap, upset) Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who, who used to burn the toast, drink milk out of the carton, and laugh? I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become. BREE: (composes herself. She gets up and takes a vase off the table) These need water. (BREE walks into the bathroom, putting the vase in the sink and filling it with water. She looks at herself in the mirror, and starts to cry, putting her hand over her mouth.) NARRATOR: BREE sobbed quietly in the bathroom for 5 minutes. But her husband never knew. Because
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when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect. (BREE walks out of the bathroom holding the vase, smiling serenely.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO:[EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - YARD --- NIGHT] (CARLOS kneels on the sidewalk, putting his face close to the grass. GABRIELLE comes out of the front door, all dressed up in an elegant dress, hair curled on her head. She shuts the door and comes down the steps.) GABRIELLE: I found my earrings, we can go now. CARLOS: Was John here today? (GABRIELLE stops short.) GABRIELLE: Well, yeah. CARLOS: The lawn hasn't been mowed. I've had it; we're getting a real gardener. GABRIELLE: Why?? CARLOS: Are you deaf? I just said, he's not doing his job. GABRIELLE: It's dark; you just can't see that the lawn has been mowed. CARLOS: It hasn't been. Feel this grass. GABRIELLE: I'm not feeling the grass! Let's just get going, come on! We're late! (walks off towards the car as CARLOS looks closely at the grass.) (Cut to: EXT. OUTDOOR PARTY VENUE --- NIGHT) (CARLOS walks with GABRIELLE on his arm. The party is filled with elegantly dressed people.) CARLOS: (throws his car keys at the valet) Take care of it. VALET: Yes, sir. CARLOS: There's Tanaka. Time for me to go into my dance. GABRIELLE: (smiles) Good luck, sweetheart. (Kisses CARLOS on the cheek.) (CARLOS smiles at GABRIELLE and walks away towards TANAKA. GABRIELLE looks around, and stops a WAITER passing by.) GABRIELLE: Oh, excuse me. WAITER: Ma'am? GABRIELLE: You see that man who just walked away? Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all Night long. (Tucks a folded banknote in his pocket.) Waiter: (smiles) Yes, ma'am. (GABRIELLE looks around, and hurries off.) (Cut to: INT. GABRIELLE'S CAR --- NIGHT (LATER) GABRIELLE is driving the car. We see that she's driving back to Wisteria Lane. She parks the car in her driveway, hurries into the open garage door, reappearing pushing the lawn mower. She pushes the machine onto the grass and begins to mow the lawn, tottering along in her high heels and party dress.) (Cut to: EXT. OUTDOOR PARTY VENUE --- NIGHT (STILL LATER) GABRIELLE hurries back to the party. She sees CARLOS with TANAKA, a drink on his hand, who hasn't even noticed that she'd left. She sighs with relief, running her hand along her hair. GABRIELLE picks a piece of grass from her hair, throwing it over her shoulder hastily. (Cut to: EXT. SOLIS HOUSE --- DAY (THE NEXT MORNING) CARLOS comes out of the front door and walks down the walkway. He stops and crouches down to run his hand along the mowed grass. Looking puzzled, CARLOS straightens up and continues walking to the car mollified. We pan up to see GABRIELLE watching from the upstairs balcony, sighing with relief as she's successfully covered her affair.) ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
CUT TO:[INT. SUPERMARKET --- DAY] (SUSAN pushes her cart along the aisle. Spotting MRS. HUBER, she tries to sneak past, with no luck. MRS. HUBER notices her.) MRS. HUBER: Susan? Susan! SUSAN: (smiles) Oh. Mrs. Huber, how you doing? MRS. HUBER: Not too well, I'm afraid. I'm trying to find something to soothe my stomach. SUSAN: It's upset? MRS. HUBER: Yeah, I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake, it's been running through my system ever since. SUSAN: (sympathetic smile) Oh. MRS. HUBER: And I need to be at my best tonight. Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight. SUSAN: (raises her eyebrows) He's spending the night? MRS. HUBER: Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over on dinner, and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours, if you know what I mean. (SUSAN is stunned. She immediately hurries out, leaving her cart in the middle of the aisle while MRS. HUBER is busy browsing.) MRS. HUBER: Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this? (looks up, notices SUSAN is gone) (Cut to: INT. SUSAN's HOUSE - KITCHEN ---- NIGHT SUSAN is pacing the floor as JULIE watches her, curled up on the couch.) SUSAN: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't! JULIE: I don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner. (SUSAN gives her a look.) JULIE: You're right. They're doing it. (Cut to: EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- NIGHT) (SUSAN holds a measuring cup and walks up to EDIE's front porch. She rings the doorbell.) SUSAN: Edie? (SUSAN walks along the side of EDIE's house, peering in the back door.) SUSAN: Edie? Hello..? (SUSAN tries the back door and finds it open. Hearing music, she walks in.) SUSAN: Anybody home? I need to borrow sugar? (SUSAN walks along the corridor, where she picks up a piece of EDIE's discarded clothing. She goes into the living room, where she sees lots of candles lit, glasses of wine and chocolate on the coffee table. The measuring drop drops out of her hand and onto the floor. She picks up EDIE's pink, flowered bra, looking at it as she hears a noise.) EDIE: [OS] Oh! Oh my god! (SUSAN realizes what EDIE is doing upstairs. Upset, she drops down onto the couch) NARRATOR: And just like that, the possibility that Susan had clung onto, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever. And despite the precariousness of the situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her loss. (SUSAN throws EDIE's bra behind her, where it catches the flame of the candles. It starts to burn, and lights up the curtain as well. SUSAN picks up a piece of chocolate and eats it. Smelling smoke, she turns around and discovers the curtain is on fire.) SUSAN: Oh... Oh! Oh! (SUSAN tries to put out the fire with no avail. She throws the leftover wine from the glasses onto the fire, which makes it worse.)
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NARRATOR: It didn't take long for Susan to realize, this was just not her night. (SUSAN abandons the scene, and runs out, cutting through the back garden. Meanwhile, EDIE's living room goes up in flames.) EDIE: (OS) Is somebody out there? Oh my god, there's smoke! -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [EXT. EDIE'S HOUSE ---- NIGHT (LATER)] (The house is a burning inferno. The neighborhood has turned out to watch as fire-fighters try and save the blazing house. EDIE, wrapped in a blanket and followed by a fireman, rushes out from behind a fire truck and sees the burning house.) EDIE: (teary) Oh my god. Oh... (Leans against the fire truck) (We follow SUSAN, as she walks by MRS. HUBER.) MRS. HUBER: (in a lowered voice, to neighbor) ...candles unattended in the den. Paramedics say she was lucky, she could've been killed! (SUSAN walks up to where LYNETTE, BREE and GABRIELLE are standing together behind the police tape, facing the burning house.) LYNETTE: (to GABRIELLE and BREE) She was having sex with some guy when the fire started. GABRIELLE: What happened to him? LYNETTE: He got smoke inhalation, he's at the hospital. SUSAN: Oh.. BREE: Susan, are you alright? You look awful. SUSAN: I'm fine. I'm fine. I just feel really bad for Edie. GABRIELLE: Oh, don't worry about Edie. She's a strong lady. LYNETTE: Absolutely. She'll get through this. She'll find a way to survive. BREE: We all do. GABRIELLE: Come on. (They all turn around and walk away. BREE, GABRIELLE and LYNETTE go to their respective spouses. SUSAN goes to lean against a police car hood, watching the burning house, arms folded. Suddenly, MIKE walks up behind her.) MIKE: Wow, what happened? SUSAN: (surprised) Mike! NARRATOR: And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. SUSAN: I, I thought you were... um. Where were you? MIKE: I just got back from the movies. Edie had a fire, huh? SUSAN: Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now. Everything's fine now. NARRATOR: And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities. (SUSAN smiles, looking back at the burning house. MIKE looks at her, smiling, as he too turns his head to the house. The camera pans out, showing them standing together from behind, both watching the burning house side by side.) (Cut to: INT. MIKE'S HOUSE - ENTRANCE ---- NIGHT) NARRATOR: Not to mention a few unexpected surprises. (MIKE picks up the phone and dials.) MAN: Hello? MIKE: Hey, it's me. MAN: Do you have anything yet. MIKE: No, not yet, but don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer.
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(MIKE pulls a gun out of his pocket, putting it down next to the phone.) -----------------------------------------------------------CUT TO: [EXT. MARY ALICE'S HOUSE - FRONT YARD --- DAY] (SUSAN, BREE, LYNETTE and GABRIELLE walk down the pathway to the gate, where a car with the trunk open is parked at the kerb.) SUSAN: I brought some champagne. I thought we should all have a toast. NARRATOR: The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life. SUSAN: Alright ladies, lift 'em up. To Mary Alice, good friend and neighbor. Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace. LYNETTE: To Mary Alice. GABRIELLE: To Mary Alice. (They clink their glasses together, and drink their champagne. They lower their glasses, and look at each other, remembering. LYNETTE runs her hand across SUSAN's cheek affectionately, then goes to the car trunk as they all break up.) LYNETTE: Let's get this show on the road. (GABRIELLE holds up a pair of pants from a box on the sidewalk. A piece of paper falls onto the ground.) GABRIELLE: You guys check out Mary Alice's clothes? Size 8, hah! She always told me she was a size 6. Guess we found the skeleton in her closet. NARRATOR: Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite. (BREE picks up the piece of paper.) GABRIELLE: What's that? BREE: It's a letter, addressed to Mary Alice. NARRATOR: How ironic, to have something I tried so desperately to keep secret, treated so casually. (GABRIELLE opens up the piece of paper.) LYNETTE: What're you doing? That's private. GABRIELLE: It's open, what's the big deal? (GABRIELLE and LYNETTE read the piece of paper. They pass it to SUSAN, who reads the note with BREE looking over her shoulder: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID IT MAKES ME SICK I'M GOING TO TELL They look up in shock and amazement.) SUSAN: What does this mean? LYNETTE: I don't know, but check out the postmark. BREE: Oh my god, she got it the day she died. GABRIELLE: (takes the envelope, looking at it) Do you think this is why she...? NARRATOR: I'm so sorry, girls. I never wanted you to be burdened with this. SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do? (The camera pans out on BREE, GABRIELLE, LYNETTE and SUSAN, looking at each other in amazement.)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
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1X02: AH, BUT UNDERNEATH -----------------------------------------------------------Previously on Desperate Housewives. (MARY ALICE takes a box off a shelf in the closet. Looking worried and distraught, she shakily puts a revolver to her temple. We see a finger pulling the trigger, and a loud shot is heard. The camera stays on the YOUNG family picture, as the blurred reflection of MARY ALICE is shown in the frame of the picture falling to the ground.) (Cut to: ) GABRIELLE: If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives 50 feet away, for God's sakes. SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must've been going on. (Cut to: ) GABRIELLE: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass! CARLOS: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. (Cut to: ) JOHN: Why aren't you happy? GABRIELLE: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things. (Cut to: ) GABRIELLE: What's that? BREE: It's a letter, addressed to Mary Alice. (GABRIELLE and LYNETTE read the piece of paper. They pass it to SUSAN, who reads the note with BREE looking over her shoulder.) I KNOW WHAT YOU DID IT MAKES ME SICK I'M GOING TO TELL SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do? -----------------------------------------------------------OPEN ON: [EXT. GRAVEYARD -- DAY] (We open on a lily flower planted on the ground of the graveyard. We pan to Mary Alice's freshly buried grave, where we see her tombstone: MARY ALICE YOUNG 11.18.65 - 9.26.04 Beloved Wife and Mother There are two bunches of orangey-red roses on either side of the tombstone.) NARRATOR: An odd thing happens when we die. Our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory. But our sight, ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we've left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead can also be seen by the living, if they only take the time to look. (Cut to: GABRIELLE, with her eyes closed, naked as she lies underwater in her bathtub, holding her breath.) NARRATOR: Like my friend Gabrielle. I should've seen how unhappy she was. But I didn't. I only saw her clothes from Paris; (Flashback to: GABRIELLE giggling as she twirls, wearing a beautiful black dress, walking towards CARLOS, who takes her hand and pulls her towards him, kissing her.) NARRATOR: And her platinum jewellery; (Cut to: GABRIELLE, holding her hair back, excited as CARLOS fastens a necklace around her neck, a piece
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of paper, presumably the bill! wedged in his mouth.) NARRATOR: And her brand new diamond watch. (Cut to: CARLOS, handing GABRIELLE an open box as he walks by, talking business on his cell phone. GABRIELLE smiles when CARLOS hands her the box, but the smile fades as CARLOS walks off, still talking on his phone. End of Flashback. Resume to present.) NARRATOR: Had I looked closer, I've seen that Gabrielle was a drowning woman, desperately in search of a life raft. Luckily for her, she found one. (GABRIELLE sits up, smiling as she leans towards JOHN as they kiss.) NARRATOR: Of course, Gabrielle only saw her young gardener as a way to infuse her life with a little excitement. But now, she was about to discover just how exciting her life could get. (Cut to: CARLOS in his car, pulling in the driveway. We flash between scenes of GABRIELLE kissing JOHN, giggling as CARLOS gets out, holding a briefcase in his hand. As he slams the door, GABRIELLE stops, hearing a noise. She peeks out the window and sees CARLOS walking along the path towards the house.) GABRIELLE: Damn it!?(grabs JOHN's arm, pulling him out of the bathroom) Come on. JOHN: Whoa! (GABRIELLE and JOHN hurry down the stairs, slipping and sliding as they go.) GABRIELLE: Come on, come on, hurry! Let's go, let's go! (They run into the living room. GABRIELLE grabs the strewn clothes on the floor, shoving them at JOHN.) JOHN: Where're the rest of my clothes? (CARLOS stops at the bottom of the path, opening the letterbox to get the mail.) GABRIELLE: I'll find them, just get out! JOHN: Where? (GABRIELLE looks around, sees the back windows facing the side garden. She points at the window.) GABRIELLE: Out the window. JOHN: What? GABRIELLE: Go, go! (As JOHN tries to get out the window, GABRIELLE looks at the door, panicked as we cut to CARLOS walking up the steps of the front porch. GABRIELLE pushes JOHN out the window, grabbing his towel as she wraps her hair in the towel JOHN was using. She smiles at CARLOS who walks in.) GABRIELLE: Hi honey, you're home early! CARLOS: My meeting got cancelled. (looks at GABRIELLE as he puts down his things on the table.) You just took a shower this morning. GABRIELLE: I, uh, I just finished a workout. (GABRIELLE's smile fades as she sees JOHN's jeans in the corner of the couch, luckily hidden from CARLOS's view. She walks towards CARLOS, covering the jeans with a cushion.) CARLOS: Mmm. Where's John? GABRIELLE: John? CARLOS: Yeah. That's his truck out front. (GABRIELLE is speechless, her mouth moving, but no sound coming out of her mouth.) NARRATOR: Gabrielle was panicked. She knew if her husband discovered her secret, she would feel the full force of his wrath. JOHN: Hey Mr. Solis. (We pan to the open front window, where JOHN is seen, trimming the hedge with his shears. He is wearing his flannel shirt.)
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CARLOS: Hey, John, did you take care of that ficus yet? JOHN: I'll get to it as soon as I've done here. CARLOS: Alright. We need to talk about the hedges later. (JOHN flashes GABRIELLE a brief, shy smile as GABRIELLE breathes a sigh of relief.) NARRATOR: But she was quickly reminded that what Carlos couldn't see, couldn't hurt her. JOHN: Yeah, sure, no problem. (The camera pans to the outside view, where we see JOHN, wearing only his flannel shirt and nothing else, as he stands on a stepladder, pretending to trim the hedges. Hehe. Yummy.) Opening Credits -----------------------------------------------------------[OPEN ON:INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (We open to look out the kitchen window, where we see the darkened YOUNG house opposite SUSAN's house. The camera pans to show LYNETTE sitting on the kitchen counter, rubbing her neck with one hand. We then see BREE holding a dishcloth and wiping her hands, her face sombre, as GABRIELLE holds a glass of red wine in her hands. SUSAN is sitting at the table. They are all looking at the kitchen table, where, in front of SUSAN, lays the mysterious warning letter found in MARY ALICE's belongings. The camera cuts to show a face shot of SUSAN, GABRIELLE, BREE, then LYNETTE. They all look solemn.) NARRATOR: The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane had recently been shattered. First by my suicide, and then by the discovery of a note among my belongings that suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act. My friends gathered to discuss its implications. SUSAN: (sighs) I think we should give it to Paul. GABRIELLE: He's still mourning, Susan, he'll probably freak out. SUSAN: It doesn't matter, she was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts. BREE: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry. (hands LYNETTE a cup of tea.) LYNETTE: (sips the tea) That would be fun. Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another ?? GABRIELLE: We could always call the police. LYNETTE: Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke. BREE: Well if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste. SUSAN: No, this was serious, I know it was. We gotta find out what was going on. LYNETTE: (puts the cup of tea down on the counter and slides off to lean against the counter) Let's say we do. There's a chance we're not gonna like what we find. SUSAN: Well, isn't it worse to be in the dark, imagining she did all these horrible things? BREE: It's the age-old question, isn't it? (SUSAN looks up at BREE.) How much do we really wanna know about our neighbours? (SUSAN looks at GABRIELLE, who looks down at the letter. The camera pans to show the threatening letter.) -----------------------------------------------------------[FADE TO:EXT. YOUNG HOUSE -- NIGHT --- LATER] (ZACH stands at the bottom of the emptied pool, looking down into a deep, dark hole that PAUL dug up. He looks back at the dark house, where we cut to PAUL staggering into the garage, carrying a large, heavy chest. It looks like it hasn't been opened for a long time.) NARRATOR: My friends were right to be concerned. They knew that every family has its secrets. And as my
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son and husband could've told them, you need to think carefully before digging them up. -----------------------------------------------------------[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- NIGHT --- LATER] (We see our four housewives walking towards the gate. They say their farewells, as SUSAN walks back into her house. LYNETTE walks along the left path, GABRIELLE walks along the right path and BREE crosses the street all in four different directions.) NARRATOR: After talking for hours, my friends still hadn't agreed on what to do with the note. So, they decided to talk about it in the morning after a good night's rest. But no one could fall asleep that night. They each kept thinking of my suicide, and how terribly alone I must've felt. You see, lonely was something my friend's understood all too well. (Cut to: SUSAN, lying awake in her bed as she sighs.) (Pan to: GABRIELLE, lying alone in her bed, CARLOS' side empty. She looks frustrated, angry and sad.) (Pan to: LYNETTE, who turns her head to the empty side of the bed. Presumably TOM is on another one of his business trips.) (Pan to: BREE, who still looks very prim and proper lying in her bed with a proper white, frilly, lacy nightgown. But, it's sleeveless,Sassy. BREE sighs as she looks sideways at the empty side of the bed. We cut to BREE walking down the stairs to the living room, tying the cord of her dressing gown. She stops at the foot of the makeshift bed where REX is lying, back towards the camera.) REX: (turns around) It's okay, I'm up. BREE: (smiles) Good. I have a question for you. REX: (rolls his eyes, and gets up, sitting next to BREE on the side of the bed.) Okay. BREE: Do you remember when you proposed? REX: For god's sake. BREE: We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine. And when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life. And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my father didn't like you, I said yes. REX: That was a long time ago. BREE: You're gonna cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer, and we're gonna find ourselves a marriage counsellor. REX: Bree, I? BREE: (looks crestfallen) You promised. REX: Alright. BREE: (smiles) Good, I'm gonna go make myself some, uh, warm milk. Would you like something to drink? REX: Anything but apple wine. [CUT TO:INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT --- LATER] (SUSAN stands at the kitchen counter, filling a glass filled with water. She takes a sip as she looks out the window. She sees MIKE walking his dog across the road, sighing.) NARRATOR: Susan awoke that night alone and parched. And as she gazed out her window, she saw the tall drink of water she needed to quench her thirst. JULIE: Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive. SUSAN: Shut up. JULIE: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out. SUSAN: I keep hoping he'll ask me out. JULIE: How's that going? SUSAN: Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends? JULIE: I can't find the measuring cup. Have you seen it?
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SUSAN: The measuring cup? (flashbacks to dropping the measuring cup in the living room of the BRITT house.) JULIE: Yeah. SUSAN: Hm. (flashbacks to SUSAN yelping, the living room on fire, then to the firefighters trying to save the burning house.) Uh, well it's gotta be here somewhere. Just keep looking. [CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM -- NIGHT --- LATER] (The bedroom door opens, and CARLOS walks in. He goes to the walk-in closet and takes off his suit jacket. GABRIELLE's eyes are closed.) CARLOS: I know you're awake. GABRIELLE: I know you're a jerk. CARLOS: Dinner with Tanaka ran long, I'm sorry. GABRIELLE: (sits up) You know, Carlos, I didn't marry you so I could have dinner by myself 6 nights a week. You know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house. CARLOS: Don't be that way. I got you a gift. GABRIELLE: Nope. No, no, no, no. you're not gonna buy your way outta this one. CARLOS: It's a good gift. (lays on the bed next to her, and tosses the jewellery box next to GABRIELLE.) GABRIELLE: Is that white gold? CARLOS: Yeah. Put it on. (kisses GABRIELLE's shoulder) And then make love to me. GABRIELLE: I'm not in the mood. But, we could stay up and talk. CARLOS: (laughs and gets up, walking to the table at the end of the bed) When a man buys a woman expensive jewellery, there are many things he may want in return. For future reference, conversation ain't one of them. (GABRIELLE throws the box at him, pissing off. Jerk.) CARLOS: Hey, that was a joke. GABRIELLE: Yeah, right. (throws the bedcovers back and gets up) CARLOS: (catches hold of her by her arms) What the hell's wrong with you? GABRIELLE: Let go of me. CARLOS: You're been acting like a nightmare for a month. What's wrong? GABRIELLE: Stop. CARLOS: I can't fix it unless you tell me. GABRIELLE: (throws her arms free, and sits back on the bed, sighing) It's not exciting anymore, Carlos. CARLOS: (sighs, sits on the bed next to her) So what am I supposed to do? GABRIELLE: I don't know. Be the way you used to be, surprise me, take my breath away. CARLOS: (sighs) Okay. Okay. [CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- DAY] (The front door opens, and SUSAN walks out, holding a bag of rubbish. She looks like she literally just rolled out of bed. She stifles a yawn as she opens the rubbish bin at the kerb, stuffing the plastic rubbish bag into it. We see MIKE a little distance away behind her, walking his dog again. He turns at the sound of SUSAN dumping the rubbish.) MIKE: Hey Susan. SUSAN: (stops short, eyes wide, not turning around) Mike! MIKE: What's wrong? SUSAN: I didn't realize anyone was gonna be out here, I just sorta rolled outta bed. MIKE: I'm sure you look fine. SUSAN: Oooh. (fixes herself, then turns around, smiling.)
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MIKE: (pulls Bongo back as the dog starts barking at SUSAN, who looks startled) Ooh, Bongo, Bongo! Shh.. Sorry, uh, he scares easy. SUSAN: No, it's fine, I get it. MIKE: I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll see you later. (turns around to go) SUSAN: Do you wanna have dinner with me? MIKE: (turns back towards SUSAN) Just the two of us? SUSAN: Heh, well, and Julie. Uh, it's a thing we do when somebody new moves into the neighbourhood, we invite them over for a home-cooked meal. Sort of a tradition. MIKE: You said you were a lousy cook. SUSAN: Well. I order takeout. MIKE: Oh, you invite them over for a home-cooked meal and you order takeout. SUSAN: Yeah, it's sort of a new tradition. I'm working out the kinks. MIKE: (chuckles) I'll tell you what. How about I cook? And you guys come over to my place. SUSAN: Oh. Great. MIKE: Friday night at six? SUSAN: I'll be there. MIKE: Alright. SUSAN: (laughs, bending down towards Bongo) Bye, Bongo. (Bongo barks at SUSAN, who jumps back, laughing tentatively. SUSAN runs back into the house, excited. JULIE watches her smiling at her mother's obvious excitement. SUSAN bursts into the kitchen door.) SUSAN: Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night. JULIE: He did? Cool. SUSAN: But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids. (runs up the stairs as she squeals) [CUT TO: EXT. BRITT HOUSE -- DAY] (EDIE and MRS. HUBER are sifting through the burnt-out shell of the house.) NARRATOR: Julie was glad Susan was rekindling her love life. Of course, she was unaware of her mother's recent track record with fire. EDIE: It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband's worked for all those years. Gone. MRS HUBER: Don't worry about clothing, I already started a collection from people in the neighbourhood. EDIE: (picks up a little burnt pot, and puts it in a bucket) What? I don't wanna wear other people's old crap. MRS HUBER: Edie, you can be homeless or you can be ungracious. You really can't afford to be both. EDIE: (picks up a semi-burnt pink bra, and sighs) That reminds me. My insurance cheque still hasn't come yet. Can I stay with you for a few more weeks? MRS HUBER: Of course. What kind of Christian would I be if I denied shelter to a friend in need? (spots SUSAN's burnt measuring cup on the ground)Oh look, here's something we can salvage, your measuring cup. We can just scrape off the burnt part and it'll look good as new. EDIE: That's not my cup. Mine was plastic. MRS HUBER: Well, how did it get in here? EDIE: I don't know. Who cares? Now would you put that down and start looking for jewellery? (MRS. HUBER holds onto the burnt glass measuring cup, looking suspicious.) [CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] NARRATOR: Doctor Albert Goldfine was the most accomplished marriage counsellor in the city. He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse, to infidelity, to domestic violence. Yes, Dr. Goldfine thought he had seen it all. And then, he met the Van De Kamp's.
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(DR. GOLDFINE is sitting at his desk, writing when he hears a knock at his office door. He walks over to open it. BREE and REX are standing there. BREE is looking sparkly and happy as usual, while REX looks on, incredulously exasperated.) BREE: Hi, I'm Bree, and this is my husband Rex. And I brought you some homemade pot pourri. (She hands him a packet of pot pourri as she walks past him into the office.) REX: (pats DR. GOLDFINE on the shoulder) The answer is yes, you're about to make a fortune off us. (DR. GOLDFINE looks ambushed. Tee-hee.) [CUT TO:INT. SCAVO CAR -- DAY] LYNETTE: Boys, guys, I'm begging you, sit in your seats. I'm not gonna tell you again! Buckle up! I mean it, so help me, I'll-(A police motorcycle drives up behind her, siren sounding) Oh .. crap! (She stops the car.) OFFICER: (the policeman gets off his bike and walks to LYNETTE's window) License and registration please. (accepts the documents from LYNETTE) Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over? LYNETTE: I have a theory. OFFICER: Your kids are jumping up and down; they should be sitting, wearing a seatbelt. LYNETTE: I yelled at them. They never listen to me, it's very frustrating. OFFICER: Well, you're gonna hafta find a way to control them. After all, that's your job. (Walks off back to his motorbike) NARRATOR: Though he's been a policeman for 6 years, Officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children. (LYNETTE sits with her hands on the wheel of her car, looking pissed.) LYNETTE: (gets out of her car, slamming the door) You saying I'm a bad mother? OFFICER: Ma'am, you need to get back in your car please. LYNETTE: (slowly walks towards the policeman) I have no help, my husband's always away on business. OFFICER: I'm gonna hafta ask you to step back now. (slowly moves his hands towards his weapon) LYNETTE: My babysitter joined the witness relocation program. I haven't slept through the night in 6 years. OFFICER: Ma'am..? LYNETTE: (gets right in the policeman's face) And for you to stand there, and judge me. OFFICER: Okay. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning. LYNETTE: I accept your apology. (takes her license and registration from his hands and gets back in her car.) OFFICER: Buckle up! [CUT TO: EXT. ROWLAND HOUSE -- DAY] (We see someone (JOHN's mum) come out the front door, get in their car and drive off. As soon as the car drives down the road, a car door opens, and a pair of leopard-print high-heels steps out of the car. It's GABRIELLE, who looks around, a little shiftily. She walks,struts across the street. A doorbell is heard, and JOHN opens the door to GABRIELLE.) JOHN: (smiles) Mrs. Solis! GABRIELLE: Hello Jonathan. (Cut to: JOHN and GABRIELLE walk into his room. JOHN closes the door behind them.) JOHN: Well, this is my room. Sorry about the mess. GABRIELLE: Oh, well, don't... (hesitates as she sees his messy room) worry about it. JOHN: You just missed my mom. On Friday she coaches my little sister's soccer team. GABRIELLE: (takes a half-eaten sandwich on a plate off JOHN's bed, putting it on his desk) Oh yes, I heard that. Uh, John, we need to talk about what happened the other day. JOHN: Mr. Solis isn't starting to catch on, is he? GABRIELLE: (sits on the edge of his bed) No, no, he doesn't have a clue, God love him. It's just, I was thinking, that when you come over to garden, you might actually have to garden.
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JOHN: Great, you're breaking up with me. In my own bedroom. GABRIELLE: No, no, no, I'm not dumping you. Lately, you're been the only thing keeping me going. It's just, we can't do it at my house anymore. JOHN: Oh, so then, where do you wanna do it? GABRIELLE: Well, uh, what time does your mom get back from soccer practice? JOHN: (smiles a little shyly) Mrs. Solis. GABRIELLE: You better hurry, we don't have a lot of time. (JOHN rips his shirt off as he walks over to GABRIELLE, laying her down on the bed as he kisses her neck. GABRIELLE catches sight of a picture of a younger JOHN playing baseball next to the bed. She flips the photo down out of sight, then smiles.) [CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] (The camera opens on a recording voice-recorder as we hear BREE talking in the Van De Kamp's therapy session.) BREE: And so, there's just the four of us. My oldest son Andrew is 16, Danielle is 15, and?(looks down as she reaches into her purse.) DR GOLDFINE: (hastily) I don't need to see pictures. Bree, you're spent most of the hour engaging in small talk. BREE: (smiles serenely) Oh, have I? (REX flashes BREE a sideways glance.) DR GOLDFINE: Yes. Rex has been very vocal about his issues. Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage? BREE: (shifts uncomfortably, smoothing her hair) Um, Doc,um? REX: This is the thing you need to know about Bree. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings. To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any. (BREE looks at REX incredulously.) Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy? Who knows? She's always pleasant. And I can't tell you how annoying that is. (BREE catches sight of a loose button on DR. GOLDFINE's jacket. She stares at it, lost in thought as REX's words start sounding distorted as she loses concentration in the conversation) Whatever she feels is so far below the surface that.. that no one can see?she uses all those domestic things. (BREE keeps staring at DR. GOLDFINE fiddling with his loose button as she unconsciously reaches down into her bag, taking out a handy sewing kit.) DR GOLDFINE: Bree? Bree. BREE: What? I-I'm sorry. DR GOLDFINE: Would you like to respond to what Rex just said? BREE: Oh, I..(looks lost for words) DR GOLDFINE: Is there some truth there? Do you use housework as a way to disengage emotionally? BREE: Of course not. (drops the sewing kit back in her bag quickly. Tee-hee. Gotta love the woman.) [CUT TO:INT. ROWLAND HOUSE - JOHN'S BEDROOM -- DAY --- LATER] (JOHN is laying back in his bed, wearing just his boxers, sighing with contentment. GABRIELLE is sitting at the edge of his bed, putting her earrings back on.) JOHN: This is great. I got tons of homework tonight. It's so much easier to concentrate after sex. GABRIELLE: I'm glad I could help. Education is very important. JOHN: Oh, I got something for you. I was gonna give it to you the next time I mowed your lawn, but since you're here?(gets a single rose from his shelf.) GABRIELLE: Oh, it's a rose. JOHN: It's not just any rose. Look at all the petals. There's no flaws, it' perfect. GABRIELLE: Oh, John.
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JOHN: Just like you. NARRATOR: The truth hit her like a thunderbolt. JOHN: I spent days looking for this one. Finally found it. NARRATOR: For John, this was no longer a meaningless little affair. Gabrielle could now clearly see he was falling in love with her. GABRIELLE: (smiles at him) It's just beautiful. I, uh, I gotta go. JOHN: Bye. [CUT TO:EXT. DELFINO HOUSE -- DAY --- LATER] (MIKE is getting bags of groceries out of his truck, nudging the door shut. SUSAN runs across his lawn towards him.) SUSAN: Hey you. What're we having?(takes a bag of groceries from him) MIKE: I talked to Julie, thanks, and she suggested rib-eye steaks. She said it's your favourite. SUSAN: Oh yeah, I love my steak. (A silver sportscar, maybe Porsche?, drives up and stops at the bottom of MIKE's driveway. EDIE toots the horn.) EDIE: Hi Mike. Susan. (MIKE walks back down the driveway towards the car.) SUSAN: Edie. (sighs as she walks down to join MIKE.) MIKE: Hey, I'm sorry about your house. How you holding up? EDIE: Alright, I guess. (opens the car door and steps out.) Oh, is somebody having a party? MIKE: No, Susan's just throwing me one of her traditional welcome-to-the-neighbourhood dinners. Only I'm cooking. And having it at my house. EDIE: (laughs) Traditional. Hm. I didn't get one. SUSAN: Oh, it's sort of a new tradition. MIKE: Well, it won't be anything fancy, just a little home cooking. EDIE: Mmm, that sounds so good. NARRATOR: Susan suddenly had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach. EDIE: I've been having nothing but fast food lately. (rummages through MIKE's grocery bags, taking out a grape and eating it seductively, staring at MIKE.) NARRATOR: As if she was watching an accident in slow motion. She knew it would happen, but was powerless to stop it. (MIKE turns around to look at SUSAN, cocking his head as if to ask if it's okay.) SUSAN: Edie, would you like to join us for dinner? EDIE: Oh that's so sweet. No, I don't wanna intrude. Three's a crowd. MIKE: No, it's not like that. I mean, Susan's bringing Julie. SUSAN: It's not like that. The more the merrier. EDIE: Well, this'll be fun. MIKE: Alright. Tomorrow night. We'll eat at six. EDIE: Great. Oh, and Susan. SUSAN: Yeah. EDIE: This'll make up for the dinner that you never threw me. SUSAN: Right. (laughs feebly) EDIE: Ha! MIKE: I haven't, ah, told her we were having steak. She's not like a vegetarian, is she? SUSAN: Oh, no, no. No, Edie's definitely a carnivore. (Pan to: SCAVO HOUSE, where MRS. HUBER is standing on the porch. She's peering out onto the road,
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watching EDIE's silver car drive off as EDIE toots the horn again. LYNETTE comes out of the front door with a box of clothing.) LYNETTE: Here's, uh, here's what I pulled for Edie. I should warn you, most of the clothes in there aren't that stylish. MRS HUBER: Oh don't worry about it, Edie's a beggar now, which means she can't be a chooser. (sorts through the box of clothing, then pulls out a yellow-and-orange shirt, giving it back to LYNETTE) Of course we don't have to add salt to the wound. LYNETTE: Listen, I was just getting dinner ready. MRS HUBER: Say no more. I'll get out of your hair. LYNETTE: No, no. MRS HUBER: By the way, was that you I saw getting pulled over by a policeman? LYNETTE: Yeah, the boys were acting up in the car, I couldn't get them to sit down. MRS HUBER: Young boys can be so wilful. LYNETTE: I try everything. I scream, I threaten, I reason, I beg, nothing works. I don't know if it's because they're too young and they don't understand, or if they're just getting some perverse joy out of testing me! (looks frazzled, rubbing her eyes with her fingers) MRS HUBER: My mother used to have the worst time with me in the car, so one time when I was acting up, she stopped and left me on the side of the road, and she drove off. LYNETTE: You're kidding. MRS HUBER: Oh, she came back immediately. But I never misbehaved in the car again. You should try that. LYNETTE: Mrs. Huber, I could never leave my kids by the side of the road. MRS HUBER: When it comes to discipline, sometimes you must be creative. My mother knew that. Smart lady. Of course she's in a home now, and her mind has just turned to mush. LYNETTE: Well, like I said, I should go back and get dinner ready. MRS HUBER: Oh right. Well. Goodbye. LYNETTE: Goodbye. (Pan to: MRS. HUBER walking across the road as she passes by SUSAN, stopping her.) MRS HUBER: Susan! Have you been able to find old clothes for Edie? She has nothing to wear. SUSAN: I thought that was a look she was going for. MRS HUBER: Oh Susan. Edie may be trash, but she's still a human being. (MRS. HUBER walks down the road as the camera stops on ZACH standing in the front garden of the YOUNG house, watering the lawn. SUSAN stops, looking at ZACH as she takes the mysterious letter out of her pocket and looks at it.) SUSAN: Zach? Is your dad home? I need to talk to him. (ZACH opens the YOUNG's garage door, where PAUL is inside, duct-taping the mysterious box shut.) SUSAN: Hey Paul. PAUL: Hey. (continues securing the box) SUSAN: I hope I'm not interrupting. PAUL: Actually I was getting ready to go somewhere. SUSAN: I just wanted to come by and say hello, you know, see how you guys are doing. PAUL: We're trying to move on. It's been pretty tough. SUSAN: I can only imagine. Not knowing why Mary Alice? PAUL: Why what? (lifts the box off the table, almost dropping it) SUSAN: Why she did it. Oh! Let me help you.
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PAUL: I got it, I've got it. (pulls the box away from SUSAN as he heaves it into the open trunk of his car. He shuts the trunk, then goes to the front of the car, opening the driver's seat door.) SUSAN: Sorry if I upset you. PAUL: Can I be frank? SUSAN: Of course. PAUL: I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed, maybe she was bored. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her. (PAUL gets in the car and shuts the door. He drives off, as SUSAN stands in the driveway, watching him drive away.) NARRATOR: As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. She wanted so much to know why I did it. [CUT TO: EXT. WILDERNESS -- NIGHT --- LATER] (PAUL moves the heavy box out of his car trunk, and dumps it into a river. He watches as it floats for a few seconds, then slowly sinks to the dark depths.) NARRATOR: Why I killed myself. It's not enough to want the truth. You must know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive, because it knows where to hide. [CUT TO: INT. MEYER HOUSE -- AFTERNOON] (JULIE is in the kitchen. She opens the back door to MRS. HUBER.) MRS HUBER: Hello Julie, I talked to your mom about donating some clothes for Edie. JULIE: She's at Mrs. Van De Kamp's, but I'll see if she left some stuff upstairs. (JULIE runs up the back stairs. MRS. HUBER walks into the kitchen, sauntering over to peer into the grocery bags. She takes out a perfume spray, spraying some on her neck. She coughs as she puts it back in the bag, then takes out (gasp) a new glass measuring cup. She looks up as a revelation hits her. JULIE comes back down the stairs, stopping at the landing as she sees MRS. HUBER holding the measuring cup.) MRS HUBER: Oh Julie. I-I was just, um, just admiring your new measuring cup. JULIE: Yeah, we lost ours. (takes the measuring cup back) MRS. HUBER: Really. JULIE: So I couldn't find the clothes, I'm sorry. MRS HUBER: That's okay. JULIE: If you want me to keep looking. MRS HUBER: No, you've done more than enough. Truly. (MRS. HUBER walks out the back door. JULIE stands there, looking like she's thinking "you weird old lady."(Tee hee.) [CUT TO: INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] (BREE is sitting in the waiting room of DR. GOLDFINE's office, turning as he opens the door of his office.) DR GOLDFINE: Bree, Rex just called, he won't be able to meet you here today. Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital. BREE: Oh. Well, I wish he had called me. (stands up, slinging her bag onto her shoulder as she walks towards DR. GOLDFINE) DR GOLDFINE: He suggested maybe you'd like to meet with me by yourself? You've been very quiet in our joint sessions. BREE: (again notices DR. GOLDFINE's loose button, distracted) What? Oh, oh, oh no, thank you. I have some things that I, I need to do today. DR GOLDFINE: Are you sure? BREE: Uh, yeah, I'm sure. DR GOLDFINE: Okay. (shuts his office door.)
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(BREE walks out of the office,then turns around decidedly, goes back and knocks on DR. GOLDFINE's office, walking in. DR. GOLDFINE looks up.) BREE: Dr. Goldfine. There is something you can do for me. DR GOLDFINE: What's that? BREE: Take off your coat. (shuts the office door) (DR. GOLDFINE looks startled. Hee.) [CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- DAY] (GABRIELLE and SUSAN walk in the front door, holding many, many shopping bags.) GABRIELLE: So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike? SUSAN: Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support. GABRIELLE: I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that? SUSAN: I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast. GABRIELLE: Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there. SUSAN: That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for 5. GABRIELLE: Attagirl. I'm just gonna take these upstairs. SUSAN: I'm gonna keep my one little bag and go home. GABRIELLE: Okay. SUSAN: That is a beautiful rose. Where did you get it? (leans down to smell the rose) GABRIELLE: Oh, John gave it to me. (stops halfway up the stairs, cringing as she says it) SUSAN: John? Your gardener, he gave you a rose? GABRIELLE: Yes, I am having some new bushes planted outside, and he gave me that as a colour palette. SUSAN: Oh. Okay. Sure is beautiful, isn't it? (turns around and walks out the front door) GABRIELLE: Yes, it is. [CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY --- LATER] (DR. GOLDFINE is leaning against his desk, watching as BREE sews his button back on.) DR GOLDFINE: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this. BREE: Oh, who cares what he thinks? I took psychology in college, we learned all about Freud. A miserable human being. DR GOLDFINE: What makes you say that? BREE: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800's, there were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown. Not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. (sighs) She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked; he saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say, thank you? I doubt it. (smiles at DR. GOLDFINE, helping him put his jacket back on.) There you go. DR GOLDFINE: Just so you know, many of Freud's theories have been discredited. BREE: Good. (smiles, turns to leave) [CUT TO: INT. SCAVO CAR -- DAY] (LYNETTE is driving, and again, the SCAVO kids are misbehaving. Screaming, yelling, standing up, moving around. Ugh. Devil-kids.) LYNETTE: Boys, I am not gonna tell you again, sit. I mean it, I am serious. You guys are gonna be in so much trouble if you don't sit back in those seats. (The three kids suddenly go quiet, whispering in each other's ears, giggling maliciously, peering at LYNETTE,
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cackling. LYNETTE looks back in the mirror, seeing them mocking her.) NARRATOR: For the first time, Lynette could see this was not the innocent play of children. She was being challenged. So she decided it was time to get creative. (LYNETTE stops the car by the side of the road. She marches the kids out of the car.) LYNETTE: Out. Can't behave, you heard me, can't ride. You, out. Move it. (LYNETTE gets back in the car, looks at the three noisy kids on the sidewalk and drives off. The kids stand there, watching her drive off.) SCAVO KIDS: Where she's going? I don't know. Where's she going? (LYNETTE pulls her car into a random driveway.) LYNETTE: Okay. (to the baby) Mommy's a genius! Five, six, alright. (spots the empty sidewalk where she left her kids) Uh. Oh! Uhh. I'll be right back, Mommy'll be right back. (LYNETTE parks the car and gets out. She looks around the front garden of a house frantically searching.) LYNETTE: Boys? Boys? Boys?? If you're hiding, you've gotta stop now cause Mommy doesn't think it's funny! (A LADY comes out of the front door of the house LYNETTE is searching through.) LYNETTE: Oh! Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm looking for my boys. Three boys with red hair, have you seen'em? LADY: Yeah, I also saw you drive away and leave'em. LYNETTE: I know, I was just trying to scare them into behaving. Did you see where they went? LADY: Yeah, yeah, they're in my kitchen. (LYNETTE puts a hand over her heart, relieved) LADY: Listen, uh, it seems to me that you have some anger management issues. LYNETTE: I have 4 kids under the age of six, I absolutely have anger management issues. (tries to go into the house as the woman stops her) LADY: Yeah, well I think you need to talk to somebody, because abandoning your children? LYNETTE: I-I-I didn't abandon them, I came back! (tries to go into the house again, and the woman stops her.) LADY: Yeah, I'm just saying, it's not normal. LYNETTE: Well, my kids aren't normal, and now I don't have time for this, lady, so. Boys! Get out here. (tries to go into the house a third time as the woman stops her again.) LADY: No, I don't think they should go anywhere until you calm down. LYNETTE: Oh. Get in the car. PARKER: She's got cookies! LYNETTE: Well, bring 'em, we're leaving. LADY: Oh, no, no, no. Stay put. LYNETTE: Oh, I don't think so. Oh! (tries to go towards her kids as the woman grabs onto LYNETTE's elbow, pulling her back) LADY: Listen, lady, you and I are gonna talk. PARKER: Leave my mommy alone! LYNETTE: Let go of me! What's the matter with you? (one of the kids bites the woman's leg as another pushes her down onto the grass) Run, boys, run! (LYNETTE and the kids run towards the car and get in.) PORTER: Come on! LYNETTE: Oh, crap. LADY: (gets back up, running towards the SCAVO's car) You get back here! LYNETTE: Boys, you're gonna need to put on your-(turns around as she sees all three boys putting on their
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seatbelts. She turns around, adjusting her glasses smugly.) LADY: Get back, or I'm gonna call Social Services! (watches as the SCAVO's drive off) [CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- DAY] (GABRIELLE is sitting on the stairwell, looking at the one perfect rose sitting in a glass on the front foyer table. She hears a horn as she gets up and peers out the front door. She gasps as she walks out the door to see CARLOS standing next to a beautiful, sleek black sportscar with a huge red ribbon against the hood.) GABRIELLE: Oh, my god. Carlos, what have you done? CARLOS: I saw it when I drove by the dealership. I thought, Gabrielle would look so beautiful in this. GABRIELLE: Carlos! (pushes him against the chest in excitement as he laughs, sorta evilly.) CARLOS: Cost me an arm and a leg. It's got GPS navigation, 200-watt stereo system, rear parking sensors. GABRIELLE: God, it's beautiful! CARLOS: So, did I take your breath away? GABRIELLE: Absolutely! CARLOS: Is it the best gift you've ever gotten? NARRATOR: Gabrielle could see what this gesture had cost Carlos, so she responded the only way she knew how. (GABRIELLE kisses CARLOS as he picks her up. She wraps her legs around his waist as he twirls her around, laughing together.) NARRATOR: She had a feeling the truth would've been lost on her husband anyway. After all, it's the rare man who understands the value of a single, perfect rose. (We pan to across the street, where JOHN stands with a rake in his hands, looking desolate as he watches the SOLIS' affectionately kissing and laughing together.) [CUT TO: EXT. DELFINO HOUSE -- DAY --- AFTERNOON] (SUSAN walks decidedly up the walkway and up the porch steps. She gasps as Bosco suddenly gets up from where he's lying by the side of the porch, half-wagging his tail as he growls and barks at SUSAN. She sighs, startled as she rings the doorbell. MIKE opens the door, surprised to see her.) MIKE: Susan. SUSAN: I hope you don't mind, I thought I'd come by early and help you set up. MIKE: Oh, um. (EDIE comes from inside the kitchen, coming to stand next to MIKE at the door.) EDIE: Hey, Susan. Don't worry, Mike and I have got everything under control. SUSAN: Oh. (laughs) MIKE: Bongo! I don't know why he barks at you. EDIE: Oh, I wouldn't take it personally. Dogs are very sensitive. (goes to Bongo, patting him, rubbing him, looking at SUSAN innocently) What's up, Bongo, huh? You never know what freaks them out, huh? NARRATOR: In the distance, Susan thought she heard a bell ring. EDIE: Oh, is it a strange noise, huh? What is it? A weird smell? What is it? NARRATOR: (A bell sounds) Round one had started. [CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] (DR. GOLDFINE is listening as BREE sits on the couch next to REX, who's talking animatedly.) REX: Look, all I'm saying is that this whole it-takes-two-to-mess-up-a-marriage theory is bull. The problems that we have are because of her. BREE: (crosses her arms) That is not true, Rex. REX: Alright, fine. What have I been doing for the past 20 years that's been so awful? You're not saying anything because I've been a great husband and it kills you to admit that. (DR. GOLDFINE looks down, fiddling with his newly-sewn button as REX talks.)
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DR GOLDFINE: Rex, I'm curious. Do you ever acknowledge the benefits of living with Bree? (BREE turns slowly to look at DR. GOLDFINE, beginning to see where this is going.) REX: Huh? DR GOLDFINE: By your own admission, your home is always clean, your clothes are always freshly pressed, sounds like a wonderful cook. Despite her flaws, do you ever remember to say thank you? (A slow smile appears on BREE's face as she looks at DR. GOLDFINE, silently thanking him for sticking up for her.) REX: Thank you? DR GOLDFINE: Yes. (moves his eyes towards BREE, who smiles and looks at REX, who just looks annoyed.) [CUT TO: INT. DELFINO HOUSE -- NIGHT --- LATER] (MIKE, SUSAN, JULIE and EDIE are sitting at the table, eating. Bongo half-jumps onto the table to lick EDIE's plate.) MIKE: Bongo, Bongo, get down, down. EDIE: Go on, uh-uh, go on. MIKE: Down. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (to SUSAN) So, um, who's the guy who lives across from Mrs. Huber again? SUSAN: Mm, that's Mr. Mullin. And just so you know, if he invites you in, you have to meet all of his pets. MIKE: That's okay, I love animals. SUSAN: He's a taxidermist. (laughs) MIKE: Oh. Okay, thanks for the warning. EDIE: (is annoyed at the easy-going camaraderie between SUSAN and MIKE) Isn't Mr. Mullin's brother your divorce attorney? SUSAN: Uh, yes, yes he was. EDIE: Can I say something? In my heart, I still believe you and Carl are gonna get back together. (winks at JULIE, who looks amused, looking at SUSAN) MIKE: Really? EDIE: Oh, yeah. I've never seen two people more in love. I mean, she's never gonna find that kind of chemistry with another man. Never! (SUSAN smiles, head tilted away from MIKE as she runs a hand through her hair, forcibly smiling) NARRATOR: It was everything Susan could do to keep a smile on her face. Round two was under way, and she was already taking a beating. JULIE: You know what, Mrs. Britt, do you know who I always liked? NARRATOR: What Edie hadn't counted on was Susan had someone else in her corner. JULIE: Mr. Rothwell. Your 4th husband. EDIE: Oh, he was my 2nd husband. I'vee only been married twice. JULIE: Twice? You weren't married to the guy with all the tattoos that they took away in handcuffs? SUSAN: No, Julie, she wasn't married to Xavier. That was just one of her special friends. I think we should change the subject, you know, unless you wanna keep talking about it. EDIE: (is happily distracted by Bongo jumping up to lick EDIE's plate again) Oh! MIKE: Bongo, get down. EDIE: Oh wait, wait. Let me show you something. Bongo, Bongo, come! While you were in there tossing the salad, I taught him something. (holds a bit of food up in the air as Bongo jumps up on two feet, reaching for the food as he walks around on two feet) Up! Oh, what a good boy! (SUSAN shoots a glance at MIKE, who is watching EDIE and Bongo, laughing and smiling)
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NARRATOR: Susan was furious at Edie for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner. She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant manoeuvre. SUSAN: So, you know what? I am gonna go get dessert. (gathers the plates and walks into the kitchen) NARRATOR: But mostly, she was furious at herself for not having thought of it first. (SUSAN stacks the dirty dishes in the sink. She hears EDIE and MIKE's conversation as they play with Bongo outside, furious.) EDIE: You are such a smart boy! MIKE: I can barely get him to sit. EDIE: You are a good dog. Yes you are! MIKE: (laughs) I've never seen him walk on two legs. Look at that! EDIE: Well, he knows who to come to, doesn't he? He knows who to come to. (SUSAN dips two fingers into the gravy as she smears it across her neck and hands, grinning at her brilliant idea. She comes back out again, holding three plates of strawberry shortcake. ) SUSAN: Here's your dessert. EDIE: Thank you. Mmm, Mike, this looks yummy. (SUSAN moves her hand in front of Bongo's face as Bongo licks SUSAN's hand, then her neck as she bends down.) MIKE: Oh, look at that. Looks like Bongo's finally warming up to Susan. (EDIE watches, furious as SUSAN laughs and giggles. MIKE watches, laughing as JULIE smiles.) SUSAN: Ooh, we just got off on the wrong foot, we're really best buddies now. Oh, what a good boy! (Bongo starts to wheeze, and SUSAN looks at him.) Bongo, are you okay? EDIE: What's wrong with him? MIKE: I don't know, I've never heard him make that sound. (gets up and bends down next to Bongo, who's still wheezing.) Hey, you okay, fella? JULIE: Mom? (gestures to SUSAN's ear, where one earring is missing. Uh oh. SUSAN's eyes go wide as she looks at MIKE, who just looks at her crossly.) (Cut to: MIKE, holding Bongo as he hurries down his porch steps towards his truck. He puts Bongo on the back seat. EDIE, SUSAN and JULIE come out after him.) MIKE: Call the vet, the numbers on the fridge, tell him I'll be right there. EDIE: Okay, don't you worry' bout a thing, I'll stay here and get everything cleaned up. MIKE: Thanks, Edie. SUSAN: Is there anything I can do? MIKE: No. (EDIE whistles lowly as she goes back inside, shutting the door. SUSAN stands there, looking helpless as MIKE's truck screeches off. JULIE looks worriedly at SUSAN, who gnaws on her lower lip.) [CUT TO: INT. VET'S OFFICE --- LATER] (MIKE looks up as SUSAN walks into the office, accidentally shutting the door a little too loudly.) SUSAN: Hey. MIKE: Hey. SUSAN: How's Bongo doing? MIKE: I'm, uh, just waiting to see if they'll have to operate. SUSAN: Oh, god. Uh, I-stopped and I got this, uh. I am just so sorry for this. MIKE: I'm really sorry that I snapped at you, I was just so worried. SUSAN: Oh no, it's okay. (The VET comes out of the inner office.) VET: Good news, we won't have to do surgery.
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SUSAN: Oh, that's great. VET: Uh, we've given Bongo something to help pass the earring. When he does, would you like us to retrieve it for ya? SUSAN: Uh, I'm gonna say no. VET: Okay, you should be able to take him home within an hour. SUSAN: Wow. You must be so relieved. MIKE: I'm sorry, I was just really worried. SUSAN: Well, it was your dog, I get it. MIKE: Actually, he was my wife's dog, and, uh, one of the last things she said to me in the hospital before she died was to be sure I looked after him, and, um, I promised her I would. NARRATOR: And just like that, Susan could suddenly see something she's never seen before. MIKE: He, um, meant so much to her. NARRATOR: Mike Delfino was still in love with his late wife. MIKE: And if, uh, something had happened, I would've felt like I had failed her. I know that sounds stupid. NARRATOR: And she knew right then, that neither she nor Edie would be laying claim to his heart anytime soon. SUSAN: No, it doesn't. Not at all. NARRATOR: So, she decided, for now, she could settle for just being his friend. SUSAN: This is for you. No, for Bongo. You give it to him. [CUT TO: INT. DELFINO HOUSE --- LATER] (EDIE is in the kitchen, still cleaning up as she bustles around the kitchen. She opens the cupboard to put a few bottles of condiments back in, just missing seeing stacks of cash on the cupboard shelf. The camera pans up to see a few maps stuck to the wall, marked with many drawings and markings. We also see a gun sitting on the shelf above, as well as a very detailed map of Wisteria Lane and information about its many residents.) NARRATOR: Yes, as I look back at the world I left behind, it's all so clear to me. The beauty that waits to be unveiled, the mysteries that long to be uncovered. But, people so rarely stop to take a look. They just keep moving. It's a shame, really. There's so much to see. (The camera pans back down to the wilderness, where somewhere in the depths of the forest, the mysterious chest PAUL dumped into the river floats back up the surface.)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X03: PRETTY LITTLE PICTURE -----------------------------------------------------------ANNOUNCER: Previously on Desperate Housewives, Susan took dating tips from her 12 year old daughter. JULIE: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out. SUSAN: I keep hoping he'll ask me out. JULIE: How's that going? (Cut to: ) ANNOUNCER: Bree accidentally poisoned her husband. REX: I can't believe you tried to kill me. BREE: Yes, well, I feel badly about that. (Cut to: )
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ANNOUNCER: Lynette indulged in creative parenting. LYNETTE: If any of you acts up, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. (Cut to: ) GABRIELLE: I really hate the way you talk to me. CARLOS: And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace. ANNOUNCER: While Gabrielle indulged in the company of her gardener. (Cut to: GABRIELLE, pushing a half-naked JOHN out the window, as CARLOS walks in the house.) GABRIELLE: Hi honey, you're home early. (Cut to: ) ANNOUNCER: And everybody's wondering? (Cut to: SUSAN, holding the mysterious note I KNOW WHAT YOU DID IT MAKES ME SICK I'M GOING TO TELL SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do? ANNOUNCER: Why their best friend just killed herself. BREE: How much do we really wanna know about our neighbours? (Cut to: MIKE, putting down a gun on his side table. Cut to: The mysterious chest PAUL dumped in the river floating up to the surface. ANNOUNCER: Everyone has a little dirty laundry. (Fade out) OPEN ON: [INT. CREMATORIUM -- NIGHT]
(We open on MARY ALICE, lying in a coffin. A coffin cover, with a label "MARY ALICE YOUNG" is slid over the top. A hand turns a nob, and we see cogs turning as a furnace is opened, and the coffin slides into the furnace.) NARRATOR: After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts, every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held on to only one thing - my memory. [CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- NIGHT] (We pan down on the peaceful Wisteria Lane at night, where everyone is fast asleep in their houses.) [PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE -- NIGHT] (We pan to BREE lying in bed awake, drumming her fingers.) NARRATOR: It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all, every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp. (Flashback to:MARY ALICE at BREE's house, talking animatedly as BREE walks in with an easy smile, holding a dish in her hands.) NARRATOR: I remember the easy confidence of her smile. (Cut to:BREE standing at the head of the table, where REX, PAUL and MARY ALICE are sitting. They watch as she drizzles some alcohol over a dish, and lights it on fire.) NARRATOR: the gentle elegance of her hands. MARY ALICE: Wow. (Cut to:MARY ALICE and PAUL leaving, as they say their goodbyes at the front door.) NARRATOR: the refined warmth of her voice. BREE: Bye.
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NARRATOR: But what I remember most about Bree? BREE: Rex, wasn't that a lovely?(Her smile fades as she sees REX walking off, completely ignoring what she's saying.) NARRATOR: was the look of fear in her eyes. (End of flashback. Resume present) NARRATOR: Bree had started to realize her world was unravelling, and for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable. (BREE looks at the clock, which reads 5:35 am. She gets out of bed, and goes downstairs. We see her wearing a robe, bending over REX, sleeping downstairs on the couch. She shakes him awake.) BREE: Rex, Rex! You need to get up! REX: It's not even light out. BREE: Please hurry, if the kids see you sleeping down here, they're gonna start asking questions. (takes REX's blanket off him.) REX: Let'em ask, I don't care anymore. BREE: Well, I care. (pulls his pillow out from underneath his head.) They don't need to be burdened with our marital problems, and if we're working things out, the least we could do is try to keep up appearances. REX: (rolls his eyes) Oh yeah, appearances. I keep forgetting about appearances. BREE: Oh Rex, you look so tired. REX: Ah, I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable. BREE: Well, why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed? REX: We're in marriage counselling, Bree, I think that would confuse things. BREE: It's just-I miss you. REX: I know you do. Of course, if I don't get some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion. (goes upstairs) (BREE waits till he moves out of sight, then goes to a cupboard and takes out a pair of pliers. She flips one corner of the mattress up, and cuts one of the wires in half. She bends both sides up so they are vertical. She tests how sharp it is with one finger, then pulls the mattress back on top of the sofa-bed, dusting her hands off and sighing with satisfaction. Teehee. Evil Bree rocks.) NARRATOR: Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of, it was a challenge. Opening Credits OPEN ON: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING] (We pan on our Wisteria Lane, at the crack of dawn. The street lights are still on, and there's a paper boy on a bike, throwing papers onto the lawns.) NARRATOR: The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other, with a cup of coffee and the morning paper. [CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN] (We see LYNETTE sitting at the kitchen table, the twins sword-fighting next to her as she reads the business section of the paper.) LYNETTE: Just give me a second-5 minutes. NARRATOR: And while Lynette read the business section[PAN TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM] (GABRIELLE sits at her dining table, holding a cup up in her right hand, as her maid pours coffee into the cup. She is engrossed in reading the paper, held by her left hand, the style section.)
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NARRATOR: And Gabrielle studied the fall collections[PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM] (BREE sits at the dining table, reading the section of the paper. She fiddles with the flower arrangement in the middle of the table in front of her.) NARRATOR: And Bree searched for decorating ideas. [PAN TO: INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN] NARRATOR: Susan scanned the front page and saw something that caught her eye. (SUSAN and JULIE are sitting at the kitchen table. SUSAN reads the front page of the paper, taking a bite of a muffin. JULIE wipes something off SUSAN's face, then goes back to eating her cereal, reading a book open in front of her. SUSAN suddenly stops, as the camera pans to look at the paper. It reads: The Fairview Herald October 15, 2004 She looks up, then gets up and goes to a calendar hanging on the wall. She flips open to October, where we see a post-it note, reading Mary Alice dinner stuck on the 15th and 16th dates. She rips it off.) [CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE -- MORNING] (SUSAN steps over toys lying scattered everywhere on the ground and front porch. She goes to the front door of the house, and knocks on the window pane on the door. The door opens to (Flashback to: MARY ALICE opening the door.) MARY ALICE: Well, it's about time. SUSAN: Be nice, I come bearing snacks. (holds up a bag of chips and a bag of pretzels, walking in the door as MARY ALICE follows her into the kitchen table, where LYNETTE, BREE and GABRIELLE are gathered.) BREE: Lynette, these cards are sticky. LYNETTE: I know. Preston used the three of diamonds to scoop jam out of the jar. GABRIELLE: Gorgeous, thankful we have 49 cards to play with. SUSAN: Hello, sorry I'm late. LYNETTE: Hey. MARY ALICE: So, Susan, I was just telling the girls I wanna throw a dinner party. SUSAN: Really? MARY ALICE: Yes, I mean, how long have we all lived on this street? We've never done a big group thing. BREE: I think it's a great idea. MARY ALICE: Paul never likes to have people over. Well, to heck with him, I'm doing it. SUSAN: So when is this shindig? MARY ALICE: How about a month from tonight? That would be the 16th, good for everyone? LYNETTE: Yeah. SUSAN: Yeah. BREE: Works for me. Should we all make something? MARY ALICE: Oh no, no. This is my party. I've been wanting to have everyone over for years. Oh I'm so happy we're finally doing this. It's gonna be so much fun. (End of Flashback. Resume to present.) (LYNETTE opens the door.) LYNETTE: Hey! (SUSAN holds up the post-it note) I know, our dinner. [CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING] (BREE, LYNETTE, GABRIELLE and SUSAN are standing outside on the street, next to a large tree. GABRIELLE passes the note along back to SUSAN, who holds it up.) SUSAN: How could we have all forgotten about this? LYNETTE: We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies, the party's off.
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BREE: Lynette! (puts her hand over her heart) LYNETTE: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality. GABRIELLE: Mary Alice was so excited about it. So sad. SUSAN: I think we should go through with it. BREE: Really? Wouldn't that be in poor taste? SUSAN: No, it's sort of a way to honour Mary Alice. It was so important to her. GABRIELLE: We could all use a fun night. BREE: Well, good, because I have some new flatbread that I've just been dying to show off. SUSAN: Lynette? LYNETTE: I'm in. BREE: I'll make braised lamb shanks. LYNETTE: I'm still in. BREE: So how many will I be cooking for? GABRIELLE: 7. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right? SUSAN: No, it sounds very, very wrong. GABRIELLE: Awww. (puts a hand on SUSAN's shoulder) BREE: Is there somebody you'd like to invite? (MIKE runs past, stops a distance away from SUSAN as he sees her, all sweaty and panting. SUSAN smiles at him, waving as he smiles back, waving, then keeps running.) SUSAN: I have an idea. (they all smile) [CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- MORNING] CARLOS: A dinner party. Honey, I may be working late. The Dillman proposal's a complete mess. GABRIELLE: No, you promise to be home every night this week. CARLOS: I'm trying, but I can't guarantee anything. This is business! GABRIELLE: Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset. Boy did the movies ever get that wrong. CARLOS: You know what your problem is? You're very tense. Should go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax. (GABRIELLE smiles slyly as he walks out the door. She picks up the phone and dials a number. Our view of GABRIELLE moves to the right, as the left side of the screen opens up to JOHN in class, picking up his phone.) JOHN: Hello? GABRIELLE: Where are you? JOHN: Algebra. GABRIELLE: You free at 4? JOHN: I'm not sure, I got track after school. GABRIELLE: Well, get here as fast as you can. My husband says I need to relax. JOHN: You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on, like last time? GABRIELLE: If you would. Please. (They both smile) [CUT TO:INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN] (TOM sits at the kitchen table as LYNETTE does the laundry.) TOM: A dinner party? LYNETTE: Yeah, it'll be fun. Bree's cooking, everyone's coming. TOM: You know what? I haven't even had a chance to unpack yet, honey. I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days. LYNETTE: Oh. Tom. There'll be liquor. And hors d'oeuvres. And grown-ups without children. And, and
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silverware. Remember silverware? TOM: Honey, can you take this in for me? (hands LYNETTE a camera) LYNETTE: (takes the camera from him) Have you heard anything I just said? TOM: Yeah, honey, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm wiped out. Three cities in 6 days, my head is just pounding. I'm not ready for a dinner party. LYNETTE: I already got a sitter. TOM: Can you cancel her? (LYNETTE makes a shocked sound) Please? Look, let's just stay in tomorrow night. We can get a bottle of wine, and rent a video, and I just wanna hang out with my best gal. That's all. LYNETTE: I was looking so forward to a night out. TOM: I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but I, I'm beat. I mean, do you remember what it's like to work a 60- hour week? (tosses a pair of socks into the laundry basket LYNTTE is holding and gets up, grabbing his briefcase and walking away.) (LYNETTE just stands there, looking at him as he walks away.) [CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - KITCHEN] REX: A dinner party? Do I have to go? BREE: Well, given that we're hosting it, I say so. By the way, you won't be drinking at this party. REX: Why's that? BREE: Because when you drink, you get chatty. No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine. REX: You know, if you spent half as much time working on our problems as you do covering them? BREE: Not a drop! REX: You know, this-this is ridiculous! This whole thing about us taking tennis lessons. BREE: Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering why you're disappearing three times a week. Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi. (hands REX a lunch bag) REX: So these tennis lessons we're taking. How we doing? BREE: My backhand's improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve. REX: Of course. [CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- MORNING] KARL: A dinner party? SUSAN: It's tomorrow night, so if you could just keep Julie an extra day. KARL: Fine, but that's all. Brandy and I leave Sunday for a week up at the cabin. SUSAN: What cabin? KARL: Brandy wanted someplace where we could get away. (turns to wink at BRANDI) (BRANDI is leaning against the red car, drinking from a can. She waves back, smiling at KARL.) KARL: Escrow just closed yesterday. SUSAN: You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support? KARL: The cheque is in the mail. SUSAN: (opens the mailbox and looks in) Uh, no, it's not! JULIE: (comes out the front door) I found my dental guard. I'm ready. (JULIE looks at KARL and SUSAN, who both look down awkwardly.) JULIE: Stop fighting. SUSAN: We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another. JULIE: Like I said, stop fighting. (gives SUSAN a kiss as she walks to KARL's car) (BRANDI throws her drink can towards the rubbish bin. She misses, and it rolls to the ground in front of SUSAN.) SUSAN: Excuse me. Brandy. (points at the can) Do you mind?
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BRANDI: Oh. Okay. KARL: Uh, Susan. You're right there, you can pick it up. SUSAN: I could, but she's the one who threw it. KARL: Come on, don't be petulant. Just pick up the stupid can. (JULIE looks at KARL, seeing what's coming as it's about to escalate.) SUSAN: No. JULIE: I can pick it up. SUSAN: Honey, stay out of this. KARL: Fine. (walks towards SUSAN, about to pick up the can) This is so typical. SUSAN: (kicks the can against KARL's legs) Oh, sorry. Was that petulant too? KARL: You know what? Pick up the damn can yourself. SUSAN: Yeah, well you just go to hell. (picks the can against the car, which rolls down the driveway and stops at MIKE and Bongo's feet.) MIKE: You want me to pick it up? (grins at SUSAN) SUSAN: Uh-(gestures helplessly) [CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - DINING TABLE] (ZACH and PAUL are sitting at the table. PAUL is reading the paper.) ZACH: Mrs. Formington said she looked for Mum's obituary, couldn't find it. Did you put one in? PAUL: (sighs) I've had other things on my mind, Zach. ZACH: But how could you not do that? People will think we didn't care about her. PAUL: I doubt people will give it much thought. Don't worry about it. ZACH: You never talk about her. She hasn't been dead a month, and it's like you totally forgot she ever existed. PAUL: It's a little early for this kind of talk. ZACH: Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary. PAUL: That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me. [CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM] (GABRIELLE is on the phone with her mother. She picks up a glass of orange juice from the dining table.) GABRIELLE: Mum, it's no big deal. Carlos and I will drive in for the baptism. Problem solved. (hears a tap on the front door, and goes to open the door for JOHN) Okay. Fine. You go with Aunt Maria, and I will take Nana to church. (whispers to John) Take your clothes off. Uh huh. I gotta go, Mum. Yes, right now. Okay. Uh, you can give me directions later. Bye. (puts down the phone) Hi, how was school? JOHN: Got an A minus on my biology exam. GABRIELLE: You did. Well, let's see what you've learned. (Gasps as she looks at the front door to see a little girl peering at her and JOHN kissing) JOHN: Who's that? GABRIELLE: I don't know. (goes towards the front door as the little girl runs away) Hey! You! [CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE] (LYNETTE and SUSAN are getting out of the car, retrieving some shopping from the back seat and trunk.) LYNETTE: So did Mike say anything? SUSAN: No, but god, you should've seen the look on his face. LYNETTE: I'm sure it's not that bad. He's coming to the party, right? SUSAN: I left three messages. Oh, he's not gonna come. Big surprise. I did everything but foam at the mouth. God, I hate when I get that way. It's like every time I get within 10 feet of Karl, I just become this monster. LYNETTE: You know what, it's not gonna change until you resolve your issues with that man.
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SUSAN: What, you mean forgive him? LYNETTE: Yeah. SUSAN: You know, I've lived with this bitterness so long, I think I'd be lonely without it. LYNETTE: Honey. Get a pet. See ya. (looks through a stack of photos, stopping at one.) Son of a-? (Cut to: LYNETTE throwing a photo of TOM at a Mexican party with two other men, in front of TOM) TOM: It's a business meeting! LYNETTE: It's a frat party. TOM: Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales. LYNETTE: Margarita, cigar, sombrero. TOM: Ooh, look, honey, what do you want me to do? Sit around the hotel the whole time, watching cable? LYNETTE: No! But when I say, we've been invited to a party, don't whine about your exhausting 60-hour week. Put on your dancing shoes, and take the mother of your children out for a good time. TOM: Fine, you know what? Let's go to that party. (goes to the fridge, and takes out a pack of jelly and a spoon) LYNETTE: Can't, I already cancelled the sitter. TOM: Okay, well we'll throw the next one. LYNETTE: Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face. No, you know what? I'm gonna go to this one. You can stay home and babysit the kids. TOM: Fine. I can handle that. (puts the spoon in his mouth as he tries to open the jelly pack) (LYNETTE watches as TOM fiddles around with the jelly, unable to open it. She walks over and takes it from him, opening it with one swift pull. She walks off.) TOM: Thank you. [CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE] (GABRIELLE is driving around in her black car with the top down. She pulls into her driveway to see CARLOS crouching in front of the little girl. They shake hands and talk as GABRIELLE gets out and walks over to CARLOS.) NARRATOR: Gabrielle spent her morning searching for the mysterious little girl. Sadly for her, the mystery was solved a bit too quickly. GABRIELLE: Hey! What's going on? CARLOS: Have you met Ashley? Neighbour: Found it! (walks up with a ball in her hands) CARLOS: Babe, this is Sheila Bukowski, our new neighbour. They just moved into the Miller's old house. SHEILA: My daughter just left her ball in your yard. I'm so sorry. GABRIELLE: Oh, oh, no problem. Nice to meet you, Ashley. SHEILA: She's shy, she doesn't say much. CARLOS: Yeah, well I can see her little mind working away. (laughs) SHEILA: Nice meeting you. Come on, Ashley. [CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - GARAGE] (Zach goes into his garage at his house. He goes to a shelf, moving a box off and setting it down on another bench. He spots a small white box behind it, and takes it out, opening the box. He slowly takes out a gun, the one his mother used to kill herself. He looks at it.) [CUT TO: INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE - COUNSELLING ROOM] (BREE and REX are sitting on the couch in front of DR. GOLDFINE.) BREE: Private sessions? I don't understand, why do we need private sessions? DR. GOLDFINE: Private sessions allow us to work on the personal issues of both partners.
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BREE: Oh, well I don't have any personal issues. My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me, and how can I work on that if he's not in the room? REX: There are things I need to discuss with Dr. Goldfine, and I can't have you there. BREE: Why? I'm your wife, you can say anything in front of me. All we need is a few more sessions, and I'm sure we can. REX: Dammit, Bree! A few more sessions isn't gonna fix us. This is bigger than that. (BREE looks at REX, crestfallen.) DR. GOLDFINE: Why don't we do it this way? Rex, you can take the first half hour. Bree, you can take the second. BREE: Fine. Oh, and Doctor. If what he's about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution or internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hardline. (gets up, holding a tennis racket, and walks out to the waiting room.) [CUT TO:EXT. WISTERIA LANE - SIDEWALK] (ASHLEY is sitting on the sidewalk, drawing with chalk on the sidewalk as GABRIELLE walks up to her tentatively.) GABRIELLE: Hi, Ashley. Remember me? We met earlier? (ASHLEY looks up at her, bored, then looks back down at her drawing.) GABRIELLE: Wow, aren't you the little artist. What are those, flamingos? ASHLEY: (sullenly) No. GABRIELLE: (taken aback) Well, they're very pretty. It almost looks like they're kissing. Funny thing about kissing. It's not just for husbands and wives. Sometimes we kiss our mum, or our grandpa. Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends. Kinda like, a hi-five on the lips. Right? (holds up her hand for a hi-five. When ASHLEY doesn't respond, she laughs awkwardly) Hey, Ash. I was at the mall, and I saw this. Thought you might like it. She's Hawaiian. Her name is Princess Kahaluia. And, and I think it means Little Waterfall- Or Big Pond-or something. (ASHLEY looks at the doll, then puts it on her lap as she continues to draw) GABRIELLE: Okay! So we're good. Right? (ASHLEY looks at GABRIELLE again, with an I-don't-believe-you expression on her face. Heh.) GABRIELLE: Okay. Well, you enjoy your new girlfriend. And if there's anything else you need, you just let me know. (turns to walk away) ASHLEY: What I'd really like, is a bike. [CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM] (Paul walks into his darkened living room. He goes to the fridge and opens it, looking inside. Suddenly, he hears a clicking noise. He turns to see Zach sitting on the floor against the couch, holding the gun, turning the empty barrel of the gun. Paul walks over and switches on the table lamp. He looks at ZACH.) PAUL: Where did you find that? ZACH: She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it? Why?! PAUL: Because I thought we might need it someday. ZACH: For what? PAUL: Protection. ZACH: I wanna talk about Mum. PAUL: You need to take your medication. ZACH: We are going to talk about Mum! (There is a knock at the door. They both look at the door, then back at each other. ZACH puts a finger to his lips, mouthing as he goes to the door. He cracks it open to see BREE standing outside.) BREE: Hello Zach! I hope this isn't a bad time.
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ZACH: What can I do for you, Mrs. Van De Kamp? BREE: Well, I wanted to invite you and your father to a dinner party tomorrow night. ZACH: I'm not sure where he is right now. BREE: Oh. Well, I'm sorry it's such late notice, but well, we weren't sure whether you and your father were ready for any kind of social engagement yet. But, well, we're, we're sort of throwing it in your mother's honour. ZACH: Really? BREE: Yes, it's just gonna be a casual night with the gang. We're going to eat, and tell fun stories about your mum. (her smile falters as she sees ZACH looking grief-stricken and disturbed) Zach, are-are you okay? PAUL: (appears at the door next to ZACH) Hello, Bree. BREE: Oh hi, Paul, I was just? PAUL: I heard. Thank you, we already have plans for tomorrow. (takes his hand off ZACH's shoulder and moves it down his back to take the gun from where ZACH is holding it behind his back) BREE: Oh. That's too bad. Well, I should go. ZACH: Thank you. Mrs. Van de Kamp. BREE: For what, Zach? ZACH: For remembering my mum. NARRATOR: That night, Paul gave his son something to calm his nerves. (PAUL has his hand on ZACH's shoulder, and pulls him inside, shutting the door.) [CUT TO: EXT. SOLIS HOUSE] (GABRIELLE opens the car trunk, and moves a bike out to put in front of a waiting ASHLEY.) NARRATOR: And the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves by giving something to her new best friend. GABRIELLE: Here you go. Top of the line, free speed, aluminium frame, handlebar ribbons, and a bell. And you'll notice it's royal blue to match your pretty little eyes. ASHLEY: My eyes are green. GABRIELLE: Yeah, well, you'll be cruising so fast on this, no one will even notice. (gives ASHLEY a helmet and props the bike up on the sidewalk) It's all yours, hon. Have fun. (notices ASHLEY isn't moving) What? What's wrong? ASHLEY: I don't know how to ride a bike. GABRIELLE: What? Well, then why did you ask for one? ASHLEY: (shrugs her shoulders) Why can't you show me? GABRIELLE: (laughs) Sure, one of these days. ASHLEY: What's wrong with now? [CUT TO:INT. MEYER HOUSE - STUDY] (SUSAN sits at her work desk, flipping through a photo album. We see many picture, where KARL's head is cut out of all the photos.) NARRATOR: After her talk with Lynette, Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album. And she began to see herself in a whole new light. And the picture wasn't flattering. (SUSAN sighs, picking up the phone and dialling a number. We hear KARL's voice mailbox message, yeah, you got Karl. Leave a message. followed by a beep.) SUSAN: Hey Karl, it's me. I was hoping you'll be there. Um, listen, we need to talk. So, maybe when you drop Julie off tomorrow, we could have a moment. It's important. Give my best to-Brandy. Call me. NARRATOR: Susan was proud of herself. She was finally ready to let go of her anger. Well, almost. (SUSAN slides the cut-out head of KARL from underneath one of the pictures. She holds it up, looking at it for a moment until she starts scrunching the head together between her fingers.)
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[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN] (We hear one of the boys yelling for LYNETTE in the background. LYNETTE is wearing a robe with curlers in her hair, and a mask on her face. TOM goes to the fridge and takes out a sports drink.) LYNETTE: The boys will be hungry at 5:30, so put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at 5 o' clockTOM: -for half an hour. Honey, I know, this is the third time you've told me. LYNETTE: Well, if the food's late, god help you. TOM: Beautiful, I don't need a pamphlet. It's not brain surgery. They're just kids, for god's sake. (goes up the stairs) LYNETTE: Preston, would you come here? PRESTON: Yeah? LYNETTE: Sweetie, you know our rule about eating cookies, right? PRESTON: Yeah, we can't have'em after 5, cause sugar makes us hyper. LYNETTE: Yeah, but tonight, anything goes. (gives PRESTON a box of animal cookies) Make sure you share with your brothers. PRESTON: Thanks Mum! (goes up the stairs) (LYNETTE fixes her curlers, looking proud of herself) [CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE] (We see GABRIELLE tottering along in her heels, as she helps ASHLEY riding along in her bike.) GABRIELLE: Don't look at your feet. Don't look at your feet, look at the road. Look at the road. Ow. Uh, okay, find your balance. Find your balance. Okay, it's all you. It's all you, you're doing great! Okay, stay to the right. Watch the car. Watch the car. Watch the car! (ASHLEY veers to the right of the car, narrowing missing the car, but falling off the bike) Oh god. (runs towards ASHLEY, helping her up) Are you okay? ASHLEY: Yeah. Let's go again. GABRIELLE: (panting) Oh honey. These heels don't have another block in them. ASHLEY: What about tomorrow? GABRIELLE: Well, you won't be around tomorrow, 'cause you have school. ASHLEY: I'm home-schooled. I'm always around. NARRATOR: It was in that moment that Gabrielle realized this ride was far from over. [CUT TO:EXT. MEYER HOUSE - PORCH] (We hear a doorbell ring. SUSAN runs to the door with a towel wrapped around her body.) SUSAN: I'm coming! (opens the door to KARL) Karl, what are you doing here? I asked you to come tomorrow. KARL: You said you wanted to talk, it sounded important. SUSAN: Tomorrow! I'm in a towel! KARL: We were married 14 years, I know what's under there. Come on. (walks into the house) SUSAN: I'm not really ready for this, I was gonna have a whole speech prepared. KARL: Brandy and I have plans tomorrow. I suggest you wing it. SUSAN: Oh. Um, okay. Here's the thing, Karl. I was thinking about what happened in the driveway yesterday. And I just don't wanna, I don't wanna live like this. I don't wanna be that kind of person. And I just thought, if the two of us had a nice calm-I need an apology, Karl. KARL: A what? SUSAN: An apology. For the way you ended our marriage. You never took any responsibility for your behaviour. KARL: I don't know what to say, Susan. The heart wants what it wants. SUSAN: What does that mean? KARL: I fell in love.
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SUSAN: While you were married to someone else! (gesturing to herself) KARL: The heart wants what it wants. SUSAN: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself. KARL: I don't wanna go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help. (walks outside) SUSAN: (follows him outside, still wearing just the towel) You know what? I don't need an apology. I don't need anything from you. KARL: You're humiliating yourself. (gets in the car) SUSAN: (opens the passenger side door, and bends down to talk to him) No, you're the one who's been humiliating yourself, Karl, why don't you see that? You walked out on your family. People think you're scum, not me. So worry about yourself, I'm okay with me. I can walk down the street and walk my head high. (shuts the passenger side door of KARL's CAR as he drives off, pulling the towel off SUSAN) (SUSAN is appalled, and quickly runs towards the front door, covering herself with her hands. She tries to open the door, but it's locked. She gasps, and tiptoes towards a wooden post on her porch, hiding behind it. She eyes a tall plant, and pulls it towards her, covering herself more.) NARRATOR: On Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house. (SUSAN holds the plant in front of her, and sidesteps her way down the steps and towards the garden shed on the left of her house. She tries to open the door to the shed, but it's also locked. She tiptoes towards a window, and tries to open it. It's stuck. She puts down the plant and uses two hands to try and open it. She slips, and falls into her shrubs on her back!) NARRATOR: Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life. (MIKE walks by and notices her lying there.) MIKE: Susan? NARRATOR: She was wrong. MIKE: (averts his eyes, grinning) Uh.. whatcha doing? SUSAN: Locked myself out. Naked. MIKE: Oh. SUSAN: And then I fell. (crosses her legs) So how are you? MIKE: Good. I just got back. I was gone all day, and I got your messages about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands. SUSAN: It's a date. MIKE: Alright, I um, assume the dress is, uh, casual. SUSAN: Yeah, it's-it's casual. (MIKE nods, grinning as he walks off. SUSAN squeals and covers herself with the plants.) [CUT TO: EXT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE] (SUSAN and MIKE walk up the porch. SUSAN is holding a bottle of wine.) SUSAN: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen? MIKE: Well that depends. Nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt. SUSAN: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So please, no jokes. BREE: (opens the front door) Hey, where've you been? MIKE: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear (stifles his laughter). Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant? SUSAN: Pretty much. LYNETTE: The kids are bouncing off the walls?Huh. Well I'm sure you can find a way to put them to bed, Tom.
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I mean, for god's sakes, Tom, they're just kids. SUSAN: (notices GABRIELLE is limping) Hey, are you okay? GABRIELLE: Yes, I, I went jogging today, and I think I just pushed myself too hard. SUSAN: Well, you're probably not wearing the right shoes. GABRIELLE: Yeah, that thought did cross my mind. CARLOS: So Gabrielle says you and Bree are taking lessons three times a week. REX: Uh-huh. CARLOS: I'm actually thinking about playing again. I mean, it's such great exercise. REX: That it is. CARLOS: And my drop-shot could use a serious tune-up. Think you could give me the number of your pro? REX: Yeah, I'll, uh, give it to you later. CARLOS: Well, what club does he work out of? REX: Um. We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos. CARLOS: You're not? REX: That's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact that we're seeing a marriage counsellor. (BREE, standing right behind him, drops her plate of hors'deuvres on the ground. REX turns around, startled. Everyone else turns to watch.) Bree, Bree. (BREE takes his glass of wine from him.) REX: He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro. (turns to everyone else) Bree and I are in marriage counselling. Everyone knows our secret now. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down? (GABRIELLE, LYNETTE and SUSAN look at each other, dumbfounded.) BREE: If everybody would please take your seats. Dinner is served. [CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM] (ZACH is sleeping on the couch with the TV on. PAUL comes in, and sees him sleeping. He walks over and sits on the coffee table. He looks at ZACh, pulling a blanket over him. He looks up as he hears the news on TV, on channel KQRY 15.) NEWS REPORTER: A recent discovery was made today in Westbrook, when a chest was found in Rock Water Lake, discovered by a local area businessman and his grandson while they were fishing. Investigators recovered a wooden chest, containing what appears to be human remains. Now a police spokesman said that the body was... (PAUL switches the TV off. He gets up and switches off the lamp, leaving the room. ZACH opens his eyes.) [CUT TO:INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM] (The atmosphere is icy, as the dinner proceeds in silence. REX looks at BREE, then down at his plate. BREE is embaressed. MIKE looks at BREE, then REX,, then back down. CARLOS stares at his plate as he raises his eyebrows. GABRIELLE pretends to be engrossed in her food, then sips at her water. SUSAN can't stand the silence.) SUSAN: Okay, I gotta break the ice here. So you're in counselling, big deal. You want humiliation? I'll give you humiliation. I locked myself out of my house stark naked and got caught by Mike. GABRIELLE: Oh my god, when did this happen? SUSAN: Today. Right before the party. MIKE: What can I say? Right place, right time. (Everyone laughs, relieved to enjoy the story..) LYNETTE: I think I can top that. Try getting thrown out of Disneyland for lewd behaviour. SUSAN: What? When was this? LYNETTE: When Tom and I were first married, things got a little out of hand on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. REX: (grinning) You're kidding.
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LYNETTE: No, we got perp-walked down Main Street USA. (BREE looks at REX, who's laughing at the others' stories. She is appalled that he can out her secret and not give a damn. Uh-oh, look out, Rex.) GABRIELLE: Well since we're doing true confessions. Carlos and I once broke a waterbed in Cancun. MIKE: How'd you manage that? GABRIELLE: Oh he used to have a thing for spiked heels. CARLOS: I'd just like to make it clear, she was wearing them. (Everyone laughs again, except BREE.) BREE: Rex cries after he ejaculates. (REX looks at BREE, appalled, who smiles at him, then looks down at her plate. SUSAN looks at BREE, then looks down. CARLOS looks at REX, then looks down as well. LYNETTE turns to see REX's reaction. REX wipes his mouth, then gets up and leaves the table. We see him grabbing his car keys, then slamming the front door. BREE resumes eating, as the rest of them sit uncomfortably.) [CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- LATER] (MIKE and SUSAN are walking down the darkened Wisteria Lane.) MIKE: You think we left too early? SUSAN: I was thinking we left too late. MIKE: So is, uh, Rex gone for good? SUSAN: I don't know. God, I hope not. I mean, they're always been wound a little tight, but I've never seen him like that. Then again, who am I to judge? MIKE: You mean, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw soda cans? SUSAN: Okay, you have got to know that I only get that angry around Karl. He just treated me so badly at the end, I-I haven't been able to get past it. MIKE: Maybe he did you a big favour. SUSAN: What do you mean? MIKE: Just look at Karl as the starter marriage, you know, boot camp. Preparing you for something better next time. SUSAN: Listen, Mike, I-about the whole seeing me naked thing. I don't know, I just, I wanna thank you for being such a-perfect gentleman. MIKE: Oh I wasn't a perfect gentleman, I might've snuck a peek. SUSAN: Oh. Goodnight. (bursts into laughter and walks towards her door.) MIKE: Oh, and, uh, for what it's worth,wow. (SUSAN stares as MIKE walks away, smiling. She stands there surprised, then a huge smile blooms on her face as she opens her door and walks in.) [CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - LIVING ROOM] (TOM is asleep on the couch. A red cloth comes down to tickle his face and he starts, waking up to see LYNETTE.) TOM: Hi. LYNETTE: How was your night? TOM: We are raising little terrorists, you know that, don't you? LYNETTE: Oh. Didn't have a good time? TOM: You know what, drop the act. I know you gave them cookies. LYNETTE: Oooh. Who cracked anyway? TOM: Porter. Yeah. So how was your dinner party? LYNETTE: Well, there was dinner, but it wasn't much of a party. TOM: Uh oh, what happened?
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LYNETTE: I don't know. Rex announced that he and Bree are in counselling. She retaliated with this whole revelation which I won't even go into now. And the bottom line is, he stormed out. Clearly there's trouble in paradise. TOM: Honestly, I'm not that surprised. LYNETTE: Why not? TOM: I don't know, I just never got the, uh, idea that they were really happy. LYNETTE: Are we happy? (They look at each other.) [CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BATHROOM] (CARLOS is standing at the mirror, trimming his nose-hair.GABRIELLE is rubbing oil up and down her legs.) CARLOS: Man, oh man. I keep seeing that look on Rex's face, and then him taking off like that. Heh. Some night. Then again, I would probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman. (CARLOS cracks a smile.) I mean, you watch a man got torn down like that, makes you wonder why he's let her get away with it. (GABRIELLE looks up, spooked.) Believe me, if a woman ever humiliated me like that in public, heh, it would only happen once. (CARLOS walks off, but GABRIELLE stands there still looking very scared.) [CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - BEDROOM] (BREE is packing REX's suitcase. REX is sitting on the bed.) BREE: So, uh, where are you going? REX: I'll be staying at the motor launch. BREE: Hotel by the interstate has better rates, and, uh, it's closer to your work. REX: Fine. BREE: I'm packing your swimsuit. There's a pool there, and I know how swimming relaxes you. REX: When our kids ask where I am, what're you gonna say? BREE: Umm, I can tell them that you went to tennis camp. That was a joke. REX: Yeah. I got it. BREE: There. Obviously, if you've forgotten anything, you can, um, come right back and get it. REX: Well, I'll call you. BREE: Rex. In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us. We were the golden couple. Everybody knew we were gonna have this wonderful life. Why is this happening? REX: Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase. (walks out, leaving BREE standing there.) (BREE walks towards the bed. She looks like she's about to burst into tears. She collects herself, clearing her throat as she straightens the bed.) [CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE] (KARL is dropping JULIE off. SUSAN comes out the front door.) KARL: (kisses JULIE on the head) Alright, see you. (gets in the car) JULIE: Hey, where're you going? SUSAN: Just a sec. JULIE: Mum? SUSAN: Don't worry, I'm not packing heat. (opens the passenger side door where BRANDI is sitting) Hey Brandy, could you scoot a little? Just scoot, thank you. (gets in and shuts the door) Hi. KARL: W-What are you doing? SUSAN: I'll be quick. Brandy, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was uncalled for, and childish, and it won't happen again. I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you, and I realise now that I just can't carry that around anymore. So, apology or no apology, I'm moving on. (BRANDI looks startled, sitting there. Suddenly, she gets up and out of the car.) BRANDI: Mrs. Meyer?
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KARL: Brandy. Brandy, get in the car. BRANDI: Mrs. Meyer? SUSAN: Please. Call me Susan. BRANDI: I just wanted you to know, what happened between me and Karl, things got out of hand because I thought your marriage was over. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry, I really am. SUSAN: Thank you. NARRATOR: And though it came from an unexpected source, Susan finally got the apology she's always wanted. [CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - FOYER] (LYNETTE comes in the door with bags of stuff, and mail in her mouth.) TOM: (comes down the stairs wearing a sombrero) Hey, let me take those. (takes her shopping bags and mail) LYNETTE: You're wearing a really big hat. TOM: (puts the stuff down on the table, then puts some music on) Yes, I am. Listen, the kids are watching a video, which means that we've only got about 45 minutes until they actually find Nemo, so I suggest that we make the most of it. (puts the finishing touches on some margheritas.) LYNETTE: By reliving your night out with the guys? TOM: Lynette? I'm trying. (offers her a margherita) LYNETTE: You look-ridiculous in that thing. TOM: Sexy ridiculous? LYNETTE: Maybe. TOM: I can live with maybe. LYNETTE: (twirls her around and slow-dances with her) Aww. You know, it's gonna take more than just this one night. TOM: I know. (they kiss) Ahh, looks like we have an audience. (We see the three SCAVO kids sitting on the landing of the stairs, watching their parents dance) LYNETTE: Let 'em look. As long as they don't try and cut in. [CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE] (There's a knock on the door as BREE comes in.) BREE: Dr. Goldfine. DR. GOLDFINE: Bree. We're not scheduled now, are we? BREE: I didn't have time to make an appointment. Rex moved out today. DR. GOLDFINE: I'm very sorry to hear that, but unfortunately, I'm completely booked right now. BREE: I don't need much time, it just seems that you have more insight into my situation than I do. And I just think thatDR. GOLDFINE: Bree, we can't talk now. BREE: If you would just tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem. DR. GOLDFINE: You can't do that, it's completely unethical. BREE: Well, why can't you?(stops when she hears a bell ring from the outer office) DR. GOLDFINE: That's my next appointment. You really need to go. BREE: Dr. Goldfine, please? DR. GOLDFINE: Hold on. I'll go talk to my client. (DR. GOLDFINE leaves the room. BREE paces around the room, then spots a cupboard that hasn't been fully closed. She looks through the tapes marked with names of DR. GOLDFINE's clients. She finds REX's tape and fingers it,, but stops as she sees one labelled .A. YOUNG) NARRATOR: Bree searched for Rex's audio tape, hoping to find answers. She found answers, all right. But to
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an entirely different question. (BREE takes the tape out and looks at it, but is startled as she hears DR. GOLDFINE's voice in the outer office, and drops the tape. She shuts the cupboard door, picks up the tape and hides it in her cardigan. She leans against his desk, wrapping her arms around herself, looking distraught. DR. GOLDFINE comes back in.) DR. GOLDFINE: Bree, I'm sorry, he can't wait. I can see you first thing in the morning, 8 o'clock. BREE: 8 o'clock. Sorry to interrupt. Bye. (leaves the office quickly) [CUT TO:EXT. WISTERIA LANE - NIGHT] NARRATOR: Yes, I remember the world. Every detail. (Pan to:BREE sitting at her window, fingering the tape. She turns to look out the window as she hears a faint banging noise.) NARRATOR: And what I remember most is how afraid I was. What a waste. (Pan to:GABRIELLE, lying in bed awake. She hears the noise, and gets up, going to the window to look out.) NARRATOR: You see, to live in fear is not to live at all. I wish I could tell this to those I left behind, but would it do any good? Probably not. (Pan to:SUSAN, sitting at her work desk, looking through some more photos. She looks out the window and across the road.) NARRATOR: I understand now there will always be those who face their fears, and there will always be those who run away. (Pan to: PAUL banging a huge a "For Sale" By Owner with a hammer into his front yard.)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X04: WHO'S THAT WOMAN? -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives[INT-Britt House -Living Room -Night] (Shots of Susan sneaking into Edie's house, carrying a measuring jug. She sits down on the sofa and is distraught, seeing the romantic setting with all the candles. She throws the bra she picked up over her shoulder. It catches fire, which spreads to the curtains and much further. We see Susan run out, running past the now forgotten measuring jug on the floor.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan played with fire[EXT -Wisteria Lane -Night] (shots of Edie's house in flames, sirens are going off and firemen are trying to put out the blaze) [EXT -Britt House -Day] (Edie and Mrs Huber go through the wreckage of the house looking to see if anything can be salvaged. Mrs Huber holds up the charred measuring jug) Edie: That's not my cup. (Mrs Huber's brain kicks into gear and she gets a look on her face as if she's got a plan) Mary Alice Voiceover:And could get burned . [INT -Solis House-Living Room -Day] Carlos: Go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax . (Gabrielle gets a wicked little look on her face, as if she knows exactly what she's going to do) [INT (split screen shot) -Solis House and John's apartment-Day]
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Gabrielle (to John on the phone): Just get here as fast as you can Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle found herself a playmate. (shots of Gabrielle and John kissing, he's not wearing a top) [EXT -Scavo Car -Day] (Lynette is driving while the kids are jumping up and down and screaming in the back seat. She hangs her head as if she's given up trying to control the boys) Mary Alice voiceover: Whilst Lynette couldn't get her kids to stop playing. (Lynette sees a policeman on a motorbike in her rear view mirror) Policeman: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? (shots of the boys pulling faces at the policeman through the window) Lynette: I have a theory. [INT-Van Der Kamp House -Living Room - Night] (shots of Rex trying to sleep on the sofa-bed) [INT-Van Derk Kamp House -Living Room -Day] Rex: If I don't start getting any sleep soon I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion. (Bree is alone in the living room, she has a pair of pliers in her hands) Mary Alice Voiceover: And Bree played hardball. (Bree pulls back the mattress of the sofa-bed and used the pliers to cut the wire frame. She bends the spokes upwards, presses her finger against one to test how sharp it is and puts the mattress back) Mary Alice Voiceover: Everyone has a little dirty laundry. End of Recap [INT-Scavo House -Living room -Day] (shots of a very messy house. The shot pans over children's toys) Mary Alice Voiceover: When I was alive I maintained many different identities. (shot pans over a coffee table filled with magazines on a range of different topics. One of which is a newspaper "the national informer",which has a front page with a picture of Mary Alice and the headline inside: the suburban suicide mom.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Lover, wife and ultimately victim. (we see Lynette bending down to pick up some of the mess, attempting to tidy up) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, labels are important to the living, they dictate how people see themselves, like my friend Lynette. She used to see herself as a career woman, and a hugely successful one at that. (shot switches to-) [INT-Scavo House -Kitchen - Day] (shot of one of the twins passing Lynette a bottle. She yawns, brushes her hair back and starts to feed the baby) Mary Alice Voiceover: She was known for her power lunches. (shot switches to-) [INT -Scavo House -Kitchen-Day] (Lynette attaches another of the kids drawings to the fridge and slaps a magnet on top to hold it in place) Mary Alice Voiceover: Her eye catching presentations. (shot switches to-) [INT -Scavo House-Living Room-Day] (Lynette sprays cleaning products on the dirty windows and wipes them clean. She looks incredibly fed up) Mary Alice Voiceover: And her ruthlessness at wiping out the competition.
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(Shot switches to-) [INT-Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] (Lynette is washing the dishes) Mary Alice Voiceover: But Lynette gave up all that to assume a new label. (The phone rings) Mary Alice Voiceover: The incredibly satisfying role of full time mother. (Lynette wipes her hands and answers the phone) Lynette (on the phone): Scavo residence, this is me.(her face drops and she sighs as she listens to what the person on the other end of the phone is saying.) [EXT-The Boys-School-Day] (Lynette is walking towards the boy's classroom) Mary Alice Voiceover: But unfortunately for Lynette this new label frequently fell short of what was advertised. (She stops when she sees the twins sat outside their classroom. When they see their mom they both give a wave at her, which reveals blue paint on their hands) [INT-The Boys-Classroom -Day] (Lynette enters, looks at the art supplies cupboard and looks perplexed) Lynette: How in the world did they? Teacher: I left the door to the art supply cupboard open for five minutes, that's all. Five minutes. Lynette: Well, the little girl. (Lynette sits down opposite the teacher on one of the children's small chairs) Lynette: Why didn't she say anything? Teacher: Your boys work quickly. Lynette: Well, obviously they will be punished for this. Severely. Teacher: I hesitate in brining this up, seeing as you got so ugly about it the last time. Lynette: They don't have attention-deficit disorder, and I'm not going to drug my boys just to make your job easier. I'd rather change teachers. Teacher: The boys are in my class because I'm the only teacher that can handle them Lynette: What if we separate the twins? Put them in different classes? They're much calmer when they're not bouncing off one another. Teacher: We can try that. But if it doesn't work, we may no longer be able to accommodate them. (Lynette is resigned to that fact and nods slightly. She leaves and collects the boys from outside the classroom. They all head off) Mary Alice Voiceover: It suddenly occurred to Lynette that her label was about to change again. And that for the next few years she would be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Astelrod blue. (they walk past another mother and little girl, who she protectively moves behind her as the Scavos walk past. Because this is the girl that is covered from head to foot in blue paint, Lynette looks shocked, she can believe what her boys did!!) Opening Credits [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Solis House-Day] (opening shots of the street, focusing in on a tape player. It pulls back out to show Gabrielle,Bree, Lynette and Susan sat outside about to switch on the tape player) Mary Alice Voiceover: It looked to be an interesting afternoon on wisteria lane. A mysterious cassette tape had been discovered by my friend Bree. She had stolen it from her marriage counsellor, a counsellor I had
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once spoken to in strictest confidence. Counsellor (on the tape): So how have you been? Mary Alice (on the tape): I had the nightmare again. Gabrielle: It's so weird to hear Mary Alice. Counsellor (on the tape): Still the same one? Mary Alice (on the tape): Yes. But this time I was standing in a river and I saw the girl under the water and she kept screaming "Angela"over and over again. Counsellor (on the tape): So what do you think the significance of the name "Angela" is? Mary Alice (on the tape): Actually, it's my real name. Gabrielle: (really shocked) Her real name? (Bree nods) Gabrielle: That doesn't make any sense. I've seen her driver's licence, it does not say Angela. Susan: Bree, what does it say on the rest of the tape? Bree: Just some more about her nightmares and this girl she was afraid of. Gabrielle: So what the hell do we do now? (shots of the women sitting and thinking. Susan looks up across the street at Paul watering his garden. The rest of the women turn and look too. Paul waves at them, and they all give nervous waves back.) Susan: I think we should show Paul the note. Lynette: Are you sure? He's gonna freak. Bree: Well, it's now or never. I saw what he's asking for the place it's going to sell really quickly. (Gabrielle gets up and stares at Paul- feeling uncomfortable) Gabrielle: Can I say something? I'm glad Paul's moving. Bree: (can't believe her friend would say such a thing) Gabby!! Gabrielle: I'm sorry, he's just always given me the creeps. Haven't you guys notices that he's got this "dark thing" going on? There's something about him that just feels-(Searches for the word) Lynette: Malignant? Gabrielle: Yes! Susan: We've all sort of felt it. (more shots of Paul working on the garden) Bree: That being said, I do love what he've done with that lawn. (Lynette, Gabrielle and Susan turn to look at Bree as if she's crazy) [INT-Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] (Susan is absentmindedly washing dishes as she stares out the window. She's been scrubbing the same one for quite some time. Julie comes up behind her and cranes her neck to see what her mother is looking at. She sees that its Mike Delfino working in his garden-without a shirt on. Julie laughs at her mother) Julie: Mom, the dish is clean. Susan: Huh? Julie: I still don't understand why you don't just ask him out on an "official date" date. Susan: I'm trying a new strategy. I'm playing hard to get. Julie: How long do you think you can keep that up? Susan: Oh, maybe until noon. Then I'm going to have to run over there and beg him to love me . (Julie laughs at her mother'sjoke) Julie: Uh mom? (indecipherable) (shots of Edie washing her car. There's lots of soap suds and she isn't wearing very much at all) Susan: You've got to be kidding me! She washed her car yesterday. (Shots of Edie with her hose, showing off her breasts in her top. Mike definitely notices her. Shots of Susan
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and Julie watching from the kitchen window.Edie gets a sponge from one of the buckets of water and dabs it to her chest to cool down.) Susan: Oh, no, she did not! (shot of Mike pausing his raking to watch Edie) Susan: Well, she's bringing out the big guns. (shot of Edie squeezing out all the water over the front of her top, and Mike's appreciative glances) Julie: You'd better get over there. She's wearing cotton. (Julie goes to a drawer in the table and takes out a letter) Susan: What am I supposed to say to Mike, "I saw you half naked so I thought I'd drop by?" (Julie offers the letter to her mother) Susan: What's that? Julie: A piece of Mike's junk mail we got by mistake. I held on to it in case of an emergency. Susan: God bless you! (Susan kisses Julie's cheek. And heads out the door) [EXT -Wisteria Lane -Day] (Susan leaves her house heading for Mike's. She and Edie exchange stinking looks as she goes past.) Susan: Hi. Mike: Oh, hey Susan. Susan: We, uh, got this by mistake. (offers him the letter) Mike: Thanks. (opens the letter) Susan: I hope it's not important. Mike: No, it's just a promotion from the Realto. They're having a film festival. Susan: Oh. (shots of Edie watching Susan and Mike from behind her car) Susan: Well, I guess I've done my good deed for the day. (tries to make a joke of this -but it doesn't work.) Mike: Huh. Susan: So I guess I'll just head back home.(practically begging for an invitation to stay). Bye. (Susan turns to leave) Mike: Hey, do you like old movies? Susan: (turns around really quickly) I love old movies!! (Edie, upon hearing this, throws her sponge into the bucket "giving up".We see shots of Mike and Susan laughing as Edie storms off into Mrs Huber's house.) [INT -Mrs Huber- House -Day] (Mrs Huber is cutting out coupons in the kitchen when Edie storms in and slams the door shut after her.) Edie: I hate Susan Mayer! Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to god I just want to go out and shoot a dear. (As she vents to Mrs Huber, she takes a beer out of the fridge. Mrs Huber: What has she done this time? Edie: She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino. Again! Mrs Huber: Susan likes Mike? (Mrs Huber is shocked by this information. Edie looks at her like she's an idiot and pops the lid off her beer.) Edie: Where the hell have you been, Martha? She's been lusting after him since he moved in. (Mrs Huber figures out that it was probably Susan who burnt down Edie's house. She looks like she's making a plan) [EXT -The Scavo Boy- School- Day] (Lynette comes rushing up to the teacher who is having lunch outside the boys' classroom)
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Lynette: Hi, I got your message. What's going on? Teacher: The boys refused to be separated. Lynette: They refused? They're six years old.Make them. Teacher: (sarcastically) Well, school regulations are pretty strict about me wrestling with the boys. (she had taken a bite of something that didn't agree with her and spat it out into her hand) But if you want to give it a shot? (Lynette looks at her as if she can't believe that the woman is teaching her sons) Lynette: Fine. (stops on her way inside) Lynette: Oh.. which one goes and which one stays? Teacher: (shrugs) You pick. (Lynette heads inside. As she opens the door we hear the noise that the boys were making inside. The teacher goes to the doorway and eavesdrops on what is being said inside) There's lots of screaming but I can't quite make out what is said. (the teacher opens the door, and we see one of the twins is lying on top of a table, holding on for dear life as his mother tries to pull him off. The other twin is on the floor hugging the table leg, trying to stop his mother making his brother leave. The teacher smiles at the sight) [INT-Solis House-Bathroom-Night] (It's dark in the bathroom, the only light coming from the many candles in the room. We pan across and see Gabrielle and John in the bath with lots of bubbles) Gabrielle: I love taking baths. Especially with you. It's like taking a vacation from the world. John: I hated taking baths when I was a kid. Of course, back then all I had to play with was my rubber ducky. (Gabrielle thinks this is sweet and they kiss. The doorbell rings) John: Who's that? (panics) It's Mr Solis. (gets out of the tub-water goes everywhere) Gabrielle: (not at all worried) Relax! Carlos is at work and he doesn't ring the doorbell. (Gabrielle gets out and dons a robe. She opens a window to see who it is. There's a purple van outside that says Cliffside Cable) Gabrielle: It's the cable guy. He's three hours late. (closes the window) Gabrielle: (Calls out to John, who is frantically getting dressed in the bedroom) Use the side entrance. [INT-Solis House -Bedroom- Night] Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle knew her vacation from the world had ended. (John grabs his shoes and leaves) Mary Alice Voiceover: What she didn't know was that John had left behind a souvenir. (the shot pans down and we see one of John's socks left under the bed) [INT -Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen-Night] (Danielle and Andrew enter the house) Danielle: I'm telling you. Dad didn't come home last night. They had a fight. A bad one. Andrew: How bad? Danielle: Like divorce court bad. (They both look up at the sound of humming from the next room, and see their mother placing and replacing a candle in the middle of the dining table) Danielle: Listen to her! She always overcompensates when she's worried. Andrew: If dad moves out and leaves us with her, I'm going to lose my mind. (Bree opens the sliding doors to the dining room and smiles) Bree: Dinner is on the table. Andrew: Mom, where did dad go last night?
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Bree: He got a last minute call to speak at a medical conference in Philadelphia. Take your seats. (Danielle and Andrew enter the dining room and see the feast laid out for them there, it's like Christmas dinner in there!! They're both shocked by what they see) Danielle: This marriage is so over. (Andrew can't stand what he sees and walks out the back door) Bree: Andrew?! [INT-Solis House -Bathroom -Night] (Gabrielle blows out the candles in the bathroom) Cable Guy: Sorry I'm late. The scheduler overbooked me. Gabrielle: How long are you going to be? Cable Guy: Almost done. What is that scent? Is it the sage of citrus? It's amazing. Gabrielle: Try to hurry. I have stuff to do.
(Gabrielle leaves the room, letting the cable guy get on with what he's doing. He packs up a roll of wire, then turns to another wire coming out of the wall. He pulls at it, but it won't budge. So he braces himself to pull harder, but slips on the water that John split when he got out of the tub. He goes down hard, flat on his back. Gabrielle pokes her head around the corner and gasps at what she sees) [INT-Solis House -Bathroom - Night] (we see the cable guy being loaded onto a paramedic's trolley. He's on a back board, with a neck brace on. A paramedic shines a light in his eyes whilst Gabrielle looks on, worried. Carlos enters, confused) Carlos: What is happening? Gabrielle: The cable guy fell. He hit his head on the tub. He may have a concussion. Carlos: (suspicious) It's almost 8. Gabrielle: He was late. (The paramedics wheel the cable guy out, Gabrielle follows them, whilst Carlos looks on, suspicious. He sniffs and smells the scented candles that Gabrielle had been burning with John earlier, and sees the remaining candles burning. He takes in the full scene around him and is even more suspicious) [EXT -Mayer House -Night] (Mrs Huber is at Susan's door, carrying a pie. Susan opens the door) Susan: Mrs Huber. Mrs Huber: Hello Susan. I made you a pie. Susan: Oh, wow. Why? Mrs Huber: Do I need a motive to do something nice? (Susan kind of shrugs, not knowing what to say) [INT -Mayer House -Night] (Mrs Huber cuts a slice of the pie) Mrs Huber: I can't wait for you to try this, it's mincemeat. Susan: Actually, I just had dinner. Mrs Huber: That's okay, you can save it for later. (Mrs Huber licks her finger and laughs) Susan: What's so funny? Mrs Huber: I was just thinking of that expression.I'll make mincemeat out of you. (Susan looks confused) Mrs Huber: Mincemeat. It used to be an entrap mostly made up of chopped meat. So it was like saying
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"I'll chop you up into little bits. (Susan stares at Mrs Huber like she's nuts. Mrs Huber is still laughing as she goes to the sink to wash her hands.) Mrs Huber: But that was centuries ago. Today mincemeat is mostly made up of fruit, spices and rum. There's no meat in it, and still people say I'll make mincemeat out of you. Susan: I don't know that people really say that anymore. Mrs Huber: I do. (she carelessly throws away the towel she was using to dry her hands) Mrs Huber: So, Susan. How are you? (opens up Susan's cookie jar and looks inside) Susan: I'm fine. Mrs Huber: Good. You know, I have a confession to make.I always wish I had been more supportive when Carl left you. Susan: Oh, you don't have to apologise about Carl. Really, Carl and I are over. I've moved on. Mrs Huber: Yes, I know. You've moved on to that nice Mike Delfino. He's quite a catch,isn't he? You like him, don't you? (Mrs Huber winks at Susan. Then goes into her cupboard to take out a plate.) Susan: Um, sure. As a friend. Mrs Huber: Oh, Susan, being coy is a strategy best employed by virgins at their first dance. For women of our age it's just annoying. (suddenly all nice again) are you sure you don't want pie? Susan: No. Thank you. Mrs Huber:I hope it works out with you and Mike, you've been so desperate to land him. Susan: WHAT? I am not desperate. Mrs Huber: Oh, lord! Susan, you burned you love rival's house down! If that isn't desperate I don't know what is. (Susan stands there opening and closing her mouth, not knowing what to say) Susan: Mrs Huber, with all due respect, you're crazy. (Mrs Huber puts down the fork she was using to eat the pie, reaches into her bag and takes out the charred measuring jug, placing it on the table) Susan: What's that? Mrs Huber: (she's thoroughly enjoying this) I think you recognise it. I found it in the ruins of Edie's home. Susan: Well, that's notMrs Huber: sh, sh, sh. My point is this. I wasn't there for you when Carl left you, but I'm here for you now. As far as I'm concerned, this is our little secret and no one need ever know. Oh Susan, you have no idea how good it feels to finally be able to help you. (Susan is shell shocked through all this.) Mrs Huber: You look so pale. Now I insist you try some of my pie. (Mrs Huber gets up and forcibly feeds some of her pie to Susan.) Mrs Huber: Go on. (Susan obligingly opens up.) Mrs Huber: Did I mention it's mincemeat? (Susan gulps and swallows at the same time.) [INT -Van Der Kamp House -Andrew's Bedroom -Day] (Bree knocks on Andrew's bedroom door. It's got a sign on it saying Keep Out? There's no answer so she tries again.) Andrew (off screen): What?
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Bree: Open the door please. Andrew (off screen): Hang on. (Andrew opens his door.) Andrew: What? Bree: Can I come in? Andrew: No. Bree: Well, I want to talk to you. Andrew: Then talk. (Bree folds her arms across her chest.) Bree: Where were you last night? Andrew: Brian's. Bree: I spoke to Brian's mother. Now tell me again where you were last night and this time don't lie to me. Andrew: Where did you say dad was again? In Philadelphia? Bree: Andrew, don't change the subject. Andrew: I'm sorry. I thought the subject was telling lies. I called dad's cell phone and I know he moved out. Bree: Well, it's just temporary and-I thought it would upset you, so I was protecting you. Andrew: Whatever. You lied, so stop pretending like you have some sort of moral authority. Bree: Andrew, just because I chose not to share my marital problems with you does not give you the right to be rude. Andrew: How about driving my father away? Do I get to be rude then? (Andrew closes the door in his mother's face. Bree is left standing there thinking about what he said.) [INT -Solis House-Bedroom - Day] (It's morning and Carlos is getting dressed for work. We see Gabrielle in the walk in closet trying to decide what to wear. He drops his tie clip on the floor and bends down to pick it up. As he looks under the bed he sees the sock that John left behind. He picks it up and looks at it. Gabrielle turns around and sees the sock in Carlos' hand. Her eyes widen in shock and she rushes out the other door to the closet. She goes through the laundry basket in the bathroom and pulls out several items. She quickly runs downstairs with them and puts them in the cleaning supplies closet. She's about to head back upstairs when she is greeted by Carlos at the bottom of the stairs.) Gabrielle: (nervous) Hi. Carlos: What's this? (Carlos holds up the sock) Gabrielle: (sarcastically) That's a sock. Carlos: It's a man's sock. I found it under our bed. It's not mine. Gabrielle: For god's sake, Carlos, it's Yeolin's. Carlos: Our maid wears size 13 gym socks? Gabrielle: No, she dusts with them. (Carlos looks confused, so Gabrielle beckons for him to follow her. She leads him to the cleaning supplies closet) Gabrielle: See? Socks. She uses them as rags. (Carlos doesn't look like he quite believes her. But Gabrielle thinks she's dodged a bullet. She closes the doors, leans back against them and sighs) [INT-Supermarket -Day] (Susan puts eggs and orange juice on the conveyer belt at the checkout. She picks up a magazine to flick through as she waits to be served. Mrs Huber pulls up behind her, with a full trolley load of purchases)
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Mrs Huber: Susan, hello. (Mrs Huber is all smiles, but Susan's face drops when she hears her voice.) Susan: Mrs Huber .(trying to be nice) Mrs Huber: Did you and Mike come together? I saw him over in the fresh produce aisle. Susan: No, like I told you before, we're just friends. (Mrs Huber puts down the block to separate her goods from Susan's items.) Susan: By the way, if I didn't make it clear yesterday, I absolutely did not do that thing that you accused me of doing. (Mike comes up behind them.) Mike: Hey Susan. Hi Mrs Huber. Mrs Huber: Nice to see you Mike. Mike (flirting with Susan): Hey, you like Alfred Hitchcock? They're doing a retrospective down at the realto. (Susan looks at Mrs Huber who is listening to everything that they say. She looks back at her suggestively) Susan: Um, I'm not really a fan. Mike: Oh, come on. How can you not like Hitchcock? Susan: I just, ah, don't. Mike: (shocked at being knocked down) oh, uh, okay. (Mike backs up to walk away) Mike: Well uh, nice to see you. You too, Mrs Huber. Mrs Huber: You're so silly. Pretending not to like him on my account, really! Susan: Will you please just drop it? Mrs Huber: You shouldn't be rude to me, Susan. Your secret is not an easy burden to bare. That insurance company is putting Edie through hell, but still I've said nothing. Susan: (fed up with Mrs Huber's snide remarks) Well thMrs Huber: And the longer it takes for her to get payment, the longer she'll be staying with me. Eating me out of house and home. Using up my hot water. Susan: What exactly is it you want from me, Mrs Huber? (Mrs Huber takes away the block separating their goods, implying she wants Susan to pay for her food) Check out girl: Are these together? (Mrs Huber looks challengingly at Susan, as if tempting her to refuse what she wants) Susan: (resigned to what she has to do) Ring it up. (Mrs Huber keeps adding goods to the conveyer belt, all the while smiling sickly at Susan) [INT-Scavo House -Kitchen-Day] (Lynette is pouring Bree a cup of coffee as they talk at the kitchen table.) Bree: If the school and the paediatrician both think that the twins could stand to be medicated-then what's the problem? Lynette: I used to run a company with 85 people and now I can't wrangle three small boys without doping them. Talk about feeling like a failure. Bree: Lynette, you are a great mother. But let's face it, your kids are (smiles) a challenge. Lynette: (laughs) Thank you. That's the nicest way you could have said that. you know, the truth is, when they're not making me want to pull my hair out they're really, really sweet. I'm afraid that if I change the bad stuff, I'm going to change the good stuff. Bree: It's a tough call. (Lynette nods) Lynette: Like this mug (It's a strange looking, badly painted green mug), I love this mug. If I medicate them, are they still going to make me a mug like this?
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(Lynette brings it to her lips to have a drink and coffee falls out the bottom) Bree: You know it's leaking. Lynette: Yeah, I know. (Susan and Gabrielle enter the house) Susan: We talked to Paul, told him we need to show him something. Gabrielle: He's on his way over. [INT-Scavo House -Kitchen-Later in the Day] (They're all sitting around the kitchen table) Susan: So Paul, we noticed that you're selling the house. Paul: Yes, um, too many painful memories. I'm sure you understand. (Everyone exchanges uncomfortable looks) Susan: Well, before you move, we thought there was something you should know. Lynette: It seems there may be more to Mary Alice's death than you were aware of . Paul: Oh? Gabrielle: Remember when you asked us to pack her things? Well, when we did we found a note. Bree: And we think that you should have it. (Susan holds out the purple letter to Paul.) Susan: You can see from the postmark, Mary Alice probably got it the day she died. (Paul looks confused. He pulls the letter out of the envelope and reads the note (I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell). He covers his mouth in shock when he reads it. everyone looks at him expectantly, wondering if he has an explanation for what it says. Paul breaks down and starts crying) Susan: Paul, are you going to be alright? Paul: No. (Paul crumples up the letter and storms out) [INT-Solis House -Day] (Carlos is dressed for work and comes down stairs. He sees Yeolin polishing the stairs using a sock. She does not look impressed at what Gabrielle has made her do. Carlos thinks what she's doing looks strange. Gabrielle is doing yoga in the living room.) Carlos: (to Yeolin)Have you always cleaned with socks? (Gabrielle stops what she's doing to eavesdrop) Yeolin: Yes. Carlos: What, is that a Japanese thing? Yeolin: I am Chinese. (Carlos gives her a look, like "Does it matter".Then leaves.) (Gabrielle dries off and goes upstairs.) Yeolin: I don't like lying. Gabrielle: Yeah? Well I don't like your ironing, so there. [EXT -Football Field -Day] (John is practicing with his football team, when he sees Gabrielle on the sidelines wearing a big hat and sunglasses, trying to disguise herself. She waves to get his attention to come over to speak to her. He looks back at the team then runs over to her.) John: Mrs Solis, what are you doing here? Gabrielle: Carlos found this (pulls out John's sock) under the bed. John: Oh crap.
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Gabrielle: It's okay. It was a close call, but I managed to cover. (she reaches in her bag and pulls out a pair of men's sandals) I got you these, so from now on, we can't let Carlos see you around the house wearing anything that resembles a gym sock. John: You want me to wear sandals? (indecipherable) Gabrielle:Mm-hmm. John:I could lose a toe. Gabrielle: Imagine what you would lose if Carlos finds out you're trimming more than the hedges.Why are all your friends staring at me? (she hits him on the shoulder) did you tell them about us? John: No! They're staring because they think you're hot. Gabrielle: Oh! Okay. (she smiles and waves at he boys. She gives John a little smile then leaves) [INT-Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen -Night] (Bree and Danielle are cleaning up after dinner) Bree: It's nine thirty at night. What is your brother thinking? (Danielle scraps leftovers into a Tupperware container for Andrew.) Danielle: You want my advice? Call dad, go tell him to kick Andrew's ass. Bree: I am perfectly capable of handling this without your father. Danielle: Sorry. (Bree goes back to cleaning.) Bree: Where's your cell phone? (Danielle digs it out of her pocket.) Bree: Call Andrew and find out where he is. Danielle: Mom, he's going to know who's behind this. Bree: No, he won't. Just act normal. (Danielle sighs and dials her brother's number.) Danielle (on the phone): Hey, it's me. What's going on? (She listens for a bit, then hands the phone to her mother) Danielle: He knows. (Bree throws down her sponge and takes Danielle's phone.) Bree (on the phone): Andrew, this is your mother. I am rapidly reaching the end of my patience with you. where are you? Are you at a bar? Andrew? Andrew? (Bree takes the phone away from her ear and looks at it, shocked.) Danielle: Mom? Bree: (can't believe it) He hung up on me. Danielle: What are you going to do? (Bree is mad now, she takes off her pink marigolds and throws them on the table. She storms upstairs, rips the "Keep Out"sign from Andrew's door. She kicks the door in, Charlies Angel style. She goes through his trouser pocket and school bag, searching for clues to his location. In one of his drawers, she finds a box. When she opens it, she finds a match box from "Topsy Turvey". She holds them up and realises her son is at a strip joint.) [INT -Topsy Turvey-Night] (shots of women dancing on the podiums.We see Andrew and some of his friends drinking beer and watching the dancers. One of the dancers is taking off her top in front of Andrew and his friends. The dancer throws the top and we see that Bree is the one who catches it. Andrew looks behind him and sees his mother. He spurts drink all over the place.) Bree: (to Andrew's friends) Keith. Ian. Andrew.
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Andrew: Mum, how did you even know I was here? (Bree tosses him the match box. Andrew is mad at her.) Andrew: You went in my room? Bree: You think that's bad? Tomorrow morning I'm cleaning it! oh, by the way Keith, I didn't get the chance to tell you, that was a lovely solo last week in church. Keith: (to Bree) Thank you. (To Andrew) we're out of here. (Andrew's friends get up and leave.) Bree: (calls after the boys) I hope it wasn't anything I said. Bree: (to Andrew) So Andrew, shall we? Andrew: You just humiliated me in front of my friends. I'm not going anywhere with you! (he turns back to watch the show.) Bree: Fine. (Bree sits down next to her son.) Andrew: What are you doing? Bree: I'm staying for the show. I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about. (to a passing waitress) excuse me, waitress, I'll have a glass of your house chardonnay. (shots of the girls dancing) Bree: I'm curious, Andrew, as you fantasise about this woman, do you ever stop and think how she came to be on this runway? (Andrew is looking increasingly uncomfortable at what his mother is talking about.) Bree: That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her.Dreams that did not include a thong and a pole. Andrew: It's not going to work ,okay? I'm not budging. Bree: God only knows what she's had to deal with in her life-abject poverty,Drugs, Domestic violence. Maybe even molestation. (The old pervy guy sitting next to Bree looks at her, can't believe what she's saying.) Andrew: MOM! Bree: And-now she treats herself the way that other mean treat her. Like an object, a piece of meat. (The pervy guy looks at the girl dancing around the pole and touching her body, then turns back to Bree and Andrew.) Pervy guy: That's it, kid. Get her out of here. She's killing it for the rest of us. (Andrew is thoroughly ashamed and gets up and leaves. Bree follows. The man raises his glass to the two of them as they leave) [INT -Mayer House-Susan's Bedroom -Night] Susan's answer phone message: We're not here. Leave a message. (we see Susan's just been in the shower. She's in a towel, with her hair up and is brushing her teeth.) Mrs Huber: (leaving Susan a message) This is Mrs Huber, Susan. Are you there? I can see your lights are on. I hope you're not screening. That is so tacky. (Susan can't believe how rude Mrs Huber is, and continues to stare at her phone as her neighbour leaves her a message.) Mrs Huber: (on the phone) Listen, I need to talk to you. My water heater just burst and it's going to cost me $ 600 to get a new one. And I can't afford that. (Susan figures out why Mrs Huber was calling and sits down on her bed in shock.) Mrs Huber: I'm just beside myself. Call me as soon as you get in. [INT -Mayer House -Julie's Bedroom-Night] (Julie is fast asleep in bed when her mother wakes her up.)
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Susan: Julie? Julie ,honey, wake up. We need to talk.. Julie: Can't this wait until morning? (Susan shakes her head.) Susan: I think I'm being blackmailed. (Julie wakes up at this and looks at her mother quizzically) [INT -Mayer House -Kitchen -Night] (Julie is sitting, drinking coffee to wake herself up whilst her mother tells her her story.) Susan: And when I realised I couldn't put out the fire, I ran. I must have dropped the measuring jug in the process. Julie: (shakes her head at her mother) Why do I even let you out of the house? Susan: Obviously I can't let her get away with this. The only thing to do is to go to the police and tell them everything that happened. Julie: You can't do that! Susan: Julie, I don't think they'll throw me in jail. I mean, it was an accident. Julie: Dad won't care if it was an accident. You know he'll just use this as an excuse to reopen custody. (almost pleading with her mother) Mom, I don't want to live with dad. (Susan hugs her daughter and wonders what they're going to do.) [EXT -Wisteria Lane -Outside the Solis House -Day] (John is mowing the Solis' lawn. He sees Carlos who gives him a gesture of his finger cutting across his throat. John looks incredibly nervous at this, and fumbles with the switches as he switches off the lawn mower) Carlos: Hey, I need to talk to you. John: Cool. Sure. (Carlos smiles at him) Carlos: You were working Tuesday, right? John: Yeah. Carlos: Do you remember the cable guy showing up? (John nods nervously) Carlos: And you usually work until what time? Five? John: Yeah. Carlos: Dammit. That means he was in the house for four hours. (Carlos goes to leave, and John realises what he said) John: Wait. Now that I think about it, I might not have seen him. Carlos: Well, either you saw him or you didn't. Which is it? John: I didn't. (Carlos laughs at him then puts his hand on John' shoulder.) Carlos: John, did my wife ask you to lie for her? John: Mr Solis, I uh don't want to get in the middle of anything. Carlos: Thank you. That's all I needed to know. (Carlos claps John on the shoulder and leaves. John takes several deep breaths.) [INT-Mayer House-Kitchen -Day] (Julie is looking out the window, across to Mrs Huber's house, whilst Susan is nervously pacing and fidgeting with a Frisbee.) Susan: OK, let's run through it one more time. Julie: Mom, it's not brain surgery. You'll stand guard while I crawl through Mrs Huber's doggy door. Once inside I'll find the measuring cup. Simple.
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Susan: Oh god. I hate that I'm turning you into a thief. Julie: It's our measuring cup. We're just taking back what's ours. Susan: Hey, that's right. (she throws the Frisbee to Julie) Susan: Technically we have nothing to be ashamed about. (she goes up to Julie and hugs her. Susan picks up a pair of yellow marigolds) Susan: Wear these. I don't want you to leave any fingerprints. (Julie looks at her mother and rolls her eyes) [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] (shots of Mrs Huber driving down the street. Then we see Susan and Julie hiding behind a tree in their garden.) Susan: There she goes. Okay, move. (The two of them run into the street and start playing with the Frisbee as a cover.) Susan: (slightly louder than needed so that people will hear) Oh, I am so glad to be playing Frisbee again. Here you go, coming atcha. (Julie turns and catches the Frisbee. She throws it back to her mom) Susan: Alright, back up a little more. There you go. Wooo! Alright, here we go. (Susan takes the Frisbee and throws it high over Mrs Huber's house, into her back garden.) Susan: Oh my! Whoops! (Julie looks impressed at her mother's throw.) Susan: You'd better go get that. (Susan keeps watch as Julie heads off to the back of Mrs Huber's house. Mike jogs up behind Susan.) Susan: Mike! Mike: Oh, hey Susan. I thought that was you. Susan: Uh, yeah. Um. Julie and I are just out tossing the Frisbee around and it flew off into Mrs Huber's back yard. Mike: Oh, do you need some help? Susan: NO! no, no, no. Julie's got it. Mike: Okay. Actually I'm glad I ran into you. I just wanted to make sure that things were okay between us. The other day, you seemed kind of distant. Susan (she's checking to look for Julie and is totally not paying attention to him) Distant? What do you mean? Mike: I mean you're not mad at me for some reason, are you? Susan: (finally hearing what he's saying) No. No, no, not at all. Mike: Good. So let me take one more shot at this. I've got tickets for a Billy Wilder retrospect, Wednesday night. I'd love to take you with me. (Susan smiles at this.) Susan: You are so sweet. I would love to go. (laughs) Mike: (Happy) Alright. (They stop talking when they hear Edie's car pull up behind them. Susan looks worried when she sees Edie and realises that Julie hasn't come back yet.) Susan: Edie! I thought you'd be at work. Edie: I'm not feeling well. I got sunburnt the other day washing my car. Susan: Well, don't just run off. Come and hang out with us. Edie: Boy, you are one sick ticket. Susan: What? Edie: It's not bad enough that I have to watch you throw yourself at him everyday, and now you want to make
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sure that I see it up-close and personal? Susan: No! It's not like that. Mike: (to Susan) I've got to take off, but I'll call you about Wednesday night, okay? (Susan smiles at Mike and whilst she's distracted Edie heads for the door again.) Susan: Edie wait! Um-Mike and I were gonna go see the movies on Wednesday-and I just thought it would be fun if you joined us. Edie: You want me to come with you? Susan: Yeah. Yeah, that's okay ,isn't it, Mike? Mike: Well, it's a limited engagement and it's sold out. I only got two tickets. (Edie puts her hands up and starts to leave. She has her hand on the door as Susan cries out.) Susan: Edie, wait! Um, you should take my ticket. (Susan looks back at Mike and shrugs. Mike doesn't look too amused.) Edie: Really? Is that okay with you, Mike? Mike: (trying to find a polite way to say no) Um...yeah, sure. (Edie takes her coat off, showing off her form fitting top and beginning to flirt with Mike.) Edie: So, what time do you want to pick me up? (Edie walks past Susan on the steps of the house. As Susan realises what she's just done. Edie and Mike talk about arrangements for Wednesday, as we see Julie sneak around the side of the house. She's holding the Frisbee and behind that the charred measuring jug. Susan sees that her daughter's got it and is relieved.) [INT-Cable Guy's Apartment -Day] (We see the cable guy, with his arm in a sling and his neck in a brace. He's trying to get the lid off a beer. There's a knock at the door.) Cable guy: Hang on. (He goes to open the door. We see it's Carlos, and he's mad. He doesn't even give the cable guy a chance to speak before he punches him in the face. He goes down after one punch. Carlos forces his way into the house.) Carlos: You think you can have sex with anyone you want? (Carlos kicks the cable guy on the floor several times. He undoes his cuff links as he prepares to carry on beating up the cable guy.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Carlos couldn't help but feel proud of himself. After all he's just defended his honour. Or had he? (Carlos stops for a second and looks around the room. There are posters on the wall of the musical "gypsy" He looks over the fireplace, where there are pictures of naked men's chests. He looks at the coffee table and sees a picture of the cable guy and another man in matching outfits, looking very much a couple. The cable guy is cowering on the floor as Carlos asks.) Carlos: You're gay? Cable guy: Yes. Is that why you're doing this? Carlos: (confused) Yeah. (Carlos sets the picture back down and leaves, shutting the door behind him.) [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House - Day] (Lynette and Gabrielle are leaving the house, laughing, when Paul approaches them.) Paul: Ladies. Lynette: Hey Paul, what's up? Paul: I wanted to apologise for my outburst the other day. Lynette: Why? We unloaded a lot on you. Paul: I suppose you're wondering why I reacted to violently to that note.
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(Lynette shakes her head, while Gabrielle says.) Gabrielle: It did cross our minds. Paul: Well, the truth is, Mary Alice was not a well person. She was very troubled. Lynette: Troubled? Paul: At first it was harmless. She would leave herself notes, reminders like "pick up the milk" or "Zach has a dentist appointment". But over time the notes became ugly. Hateful messages started showing up. Mary Alice was writing them to me, to Zach, to herself. (Gabrielle looks shocked at this.) Gabrielle: Really? Paul: That's why I lost it. I was reminded of what Zach and I had been through. Lynette: Paul, I'm so sorry. Gabrielle: We had no idea. Paul: Well, anyway. I'd appreciate it if you kept this to yourselves. (Lynette and Gabrielle nod in agreement) Gabrielle: Yeah. Paul: For Zach's sake. Lynette: Of course, of course. (Paul gives them a sad smile and leaves them. Lynette and Gabrielle watch him leave.) Gabrielle: Wow. Lynette: Yeah. Gabrielle: I think he's lying. Lynette: So do I. [INT-Scavo House-Living Room-Day] (shots of newspaper cuttings of Lynette's past achievements. Headlines include "Scavo Promoted to Vice President" with a picture of Lynette, that Next For Whiz Kid Lynette Scavo and "Scavo Awarded Woman of the Year" We hear the baby crying and the boys playing loudly in the background whilst Lynette stares at the evidence of her former glory. The twins run past, playing with aeroplanes. Lynette gets up and goes into the kitchen.) Lynette: Boys, will you come in here please? Porter: He broke my plane! Preston: Did not. Lynette: We'll talk about that later. Right now I need you to take some medicine. Porter: Are we sick? Lynette: Not exactly. This is a special kind of medicine. (Lynette's struggling to get the lid off the medication) Lynette: It's like a vitamin, and you'll take one everyday. (Lynette finally gets the lid off, but the pills spill out, going everywhere. The boys look at the pills and laugh.) Lynette: Stay right there. (She bends to pick up the pills, and when she gets back up the boys are gone. She looks worried, but then she hears laughter from under the kitchen table. She crouches down and offers the nearest twin a pill.) Lynette: Now open up. Preston: (lips sealed) uh-huh. Lynette: (offering the next twin) Here, you. (both boys refuse to take the medication.) Lynette: Guys, this isn't(she finally gives up)
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Mary Alice Voiceover: In that moment, Lynette made a decision. When it came to dealing with her children(Lynette pulls the boys out from under the table and gives them both a big hug) Mary Alice Voiceover: -medication was no longer an option. (Later on) (The boys are still playing loudly, jumping off the arm of the sofa onto a pile of cushions.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course, given her continuing bundle of frustration, Lynette also felt that a little "self medication"couldn't hurt. (the shot of the boys playing pulls back, so we see Lynette sat at the kitchen table, she's having a very large glass of wine, with her feet up, watching her boys play. She finishes the glass and pours herself another.) [INT-Van Der Kamp House -Andrew's Bedroom-Day] (Bree is tidying Andrew's room while Andrew lies on his bed reading a magazine.) Bree: So what's your strategy? Are you just never going to speak to me again? Andrew: Something like that. (Bree closes the drawer where she was putting away clothes.) Bree: I suppose I do owe you an apology. Andrew: Careful, I wouldn't want you to strain yourself . Bree: I shouldn't have lied to you about your father. You and your sister are old enough to handle the truth and I'm sorry. Andrew: Keep going. I'm mad at you for about seven thousand other things. Bree: If you think I'm going to apologise for taking you out of a strip club, you're wrong! I consider it one of my finest moments. (Andrew snorts and goes back to his reading. Bree sighs and sits down next to him on his bed.) Bree: Andrew, I know you blame me for what's happening with your father, but it's not entirely my fault and I need you to understand that. Andrew: I do. I just don't want him to leave. (Bree takes her son's hand) Bree: Neither do I. (Andrew looks away for a second then asks his mother.) Andrew: Mom? Bree: Yeah? Andrew: When can I have my door back? (Andrew looks over to the entrance to his room. There is a gaping hole where his door should be. Bree picks up her washing basket and leaves the room, calling out behind her.) Bree: Three months. (Andrew cringes at the thought of three months without privacy.) [TV Newscast-Woman Reporter -Day] (The headline reads Gay Rights Advocate Victim of Hate Crime) Reporter: Royal Oaks was the scene of a hate crime today, when Jonathan Lithgow, local gay rights activist and part time female impersonator was brutally attacked in his home. (The shot pans back and we realise we're watching the news report on the TV that the cable guy just installed in the Solis bathroom) [Continuous - INT -Solis House - Bathroom-Day] (The shot continues to pull back, so we see Gabrielle and Carlos enjoying a bubble bath together, with candles throughout the bathroom.) Reporter: Lithgow speculated the attack was in response to his efforts to ensure same sex partner insurance from his employers, Cliffside Cable.
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(At the mention of the familiar name, Gabrielle is surprised) Reporter: Police are circulating this sketch of the assailant. (A sketch appears in the top left of the screen. It looks suspiciously like Carlos. Gabrielle looks at the screen, her brow is all burrowed up as she pieces together what she thinks happened.) (the news report continues on the tv) Carlos: Do you have something you want to ask me? Gabrielle: No. (Gabrielle goes back to scrubbing her arm, whilst watching the tv report.) [EXT - Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House -Night] (Mrs Huber approaches Susan's house. Susan is sat outside, drawing in her sketch book. She looks up when she sees Mrs Huber's feet standing in front of her.) Mrs Huber: You took it, didn't you? Susan: (Takes off her glasses) Good evening, Mrs Huber. Mrs Huber: It's my own fault for not hiding the cup. Obviously if you're capable of arson, I should have known you'r be capable of breaking and entering. Susan: I don't know what you're talking about, Mrs Huber. Mrs Huber: I suppose you destroyed it. Susan: Again, I don't know what you're talking about. But- yeah, I did. Mrs Huber: I was going to keep your secret. It's a shame you couldn't trust me. (Susan laughs at this.) Susan: You're a piece of work (she stands up), you know that? (Susan goes to go inside.) Mrs Huber: Oh, Susan, let's not be unpleasant. We can go back to the same friendly relationship we're always had. (Susan turns at this and takes a step closer to Mrs Huber with each sentence until she is standing right over her.) Susan: I will keep my lawn looking nice. And I will make sure that my music isn't playing too loud and if I get some of your mail. Heck, I'll run it right over, because that's what good neighbours do. But from now on, when I run into you on the street and I say "Good morning, Mrs Huber" or "How are you, Mrs Huber" just know that inside I am quietly but decidedly hating your guts. (Mrs Huber has been looking incredibly nervous throughout this speech. But now she fixes her smile back in place.) Mrs Huber:Careful dear, let's not say things we'll live to regret. Susan: (With fake niceness in her voice) Good evening, Mrs Huber. (Mrs Huber leaves, she knows she's not going to be able to blackmail Susan now.) [INT-Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] (The four women are sat around Lynette's kitchen table drinking coffee.) Susan: He actually said Mary Alice was crazy? Lynette: Not in so many words, but everything Paul said certainly made it seem like she was schizophrenic. Gabrielle: I think he's hiding something. I know it. Bree: But, wait, what about the tape? She did say that her name was Angela. Lynette: Mary Alice was not crazy. Bree: Well, my father was a prosecutor and he always said that the simplest explanation was usually the right one. Susan: But remember what the note said "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell". That's not the kind of thing that someone writes to themselves. That's a message, sent by an enemy.
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(As the four women think about this, we cut to) [INT -Young House-Night] (A private investigator sits at Paul's table reading the note.) PI: So what do you want me to do about this? What is it you hired me to do? Paul: It's very simple really. Someone sent that note to my wife, and I need to know who. [EXT - Young House - shot of Paul looking through his window] Mary Alice Voiceover: What type of person would send such a note? Was it an enemy? Of course. But what kind? [EXT-Shot of the Mayer 's House] Mary Alice Voiceover: An acquaintance? [EXT -Shot of the Delfino House] Mary Alice Voiceover: A stranger? [EXT-Shot of the Huber House] Mary Alice Voiceover: Or how about a neighbour that lives a few feet away? FADE OUT
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X05 - COME IN STRANGER -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives[INT -School-Day] (Lynette and the boys' teacher are talking after they've painted a girl blue) Teacher: The boys are in my class because I'm the only teacher that can handle them. (shots of Lynette dragging one of the twins who is holding on to a table for dear life) Teacher: We may no longer be able to accommodate them. Mary Alice Voiceover: Ultimatums were made[INT-Young House-Living Room-Night] (Zach is sat on the floor of the living room and he's spinning the barrel of a gun round. His dad watches him) Zach: Mom used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it? Mary Alice Voiceover: Questions were asked[EXT -Young House -Night] (Zach answers the door. He's got the gun behind his back.) Bree: Are you okay? [INT-Scavo House-Kitchen -Day] (The girls are sitting around drinking coffee.) Gabrielle: I think he's hiding something. [INT-Delfino House -Night] (Shots of Mike on the phone and has a gun of his own) Mary Alice Voiceover: ?And lots of evidence was uncovered (Shots of diagrams of Wisteria Lane on Mike's wall, listing the houses, who lives where and the ages of the children.There are also photos of Gabrielle, Carlos, Julie and Susan) [INT-Solis House -Bedroom -Day] (shot of Carlos discovering John's sock under the bed)
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[INT-Young House -Night] (shot of the letter I know what you did.It makes me sick. I'm going to tell. The shot expands and we see the PI reading the note) PI: Exactly what is it you hired me to do? Paul:Someone sent that note to my wife and I need to know who. [INT -Supermarket -Day] (Susan is at the checkout when Mike talks to her.) Mike: You like Alfred Hitchcock? (Susan looks up at Mike.) [INT -Mayer House -Kitchen-Night] (Mrs Huber has dropped by to give Susan a pie and blackmail her. She takes out of her bag the charred measuring cup) Mrs Huber: I found it in the ruins of Edie's home. (Susan doesn't know what to say) [INT-Solis House-Stairs - Day] (Carlos confronts Gabrielle with the discovered sock) Carlos: I found it under our bed. It's not mine. (Gabrielle shows Carlos the cleaning cupboard with the socks) Mary Alice Voiceover: Talk about dirty laundry. END OF RECAP [EXT -Wisteria Lane-Day] (Shots of Julie riding her bike past an old woman) Mary Alice Voiceover: Every neighbourhood has a woman like Alberta Fome. (Mrs Fome goes out to collect her mail.) Mary Alice Voiceover: And every woman like Mrs Fome has a cat. (we see the cat through the window) [INT-Mrs Fome's House -Bedroom -Day] (Shots of the cat walking over an open suitcase. It's packed with clothes.) Mary Alice Voiceover: When she travelled, Mrs Fome would arrange for friends to look after her beloved pet. (shots of Mrs Fome stoking the cat at the table. She is on the phone trying to arrange for a friend to look after the cat.) Mrs Fome: (on the phone) Thanks anyway. (She hangs up the phone and crosses another name off her list of people to ask. The last name on the list is Susan Mayer) Mary Alice Voiceover: This time, she was forced to ask her neighbour Susan Mayer. [EXT -Mayer House -Day] (The doorbell rings and Susan answers it to Mrs Fome) Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs Fome liked Susan. But it was common knowledge on Wisteria Lane that wherever Susan Mayer went, bad luck was sure to follow. (Underneath this Mrs Fome is asking Susanto look after her cat. She's nervous asking at first. And when Susan agrees she looks positively worried for her cat's well being) [EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House-Day] (Shot of Susan backing the car out of the driveway. She hits her dustbin) Mary Alice Voiceover: Her misfortunes ranged from the common place(Susan looks out of the window at the bin on its side) [EXT-Wedding Reception-Day]
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Mary Alice Voiceover: -To the unusual(Susan is dressed in a gorgeous pink dress, she's flirting with a guy in a tux and goes to lean against a table. As she does, the table upends and she ends up on the floor with the contents of the table (including the wedding cake) all over her.) [EXT-Mayer House -Garden - Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: -To the truly bizarre. (Susan is on a stool filling her bird feeder. A bird flutters around her head and she waves her arms to shoo it away.It doesn't go and she ends up jumping off the stool trying to get away from the bird that is attacking her.) [EXT :Wisteria Lane -Outside Mrs Fome's House-Day] (Mrs Fome is in a taxi, about to drive away, she seems nervous. She's looking back at Susan, who is holding her cat,waving its paw as its owner drives away) Mary Alice Voiceover: As she waved goodbye, she worried that Susan's streak of bad luck would continue. For that matter, so did her cat. (Susan walks away with the cat, and the scene changes to a shot of Mrs Fome's house in the dark.) [INT-Mrs Fome's House -Night] (Susan and Julie enter Mrs Fome's house to feed the cat) Susan: (calls for the cat) Mr Whiskars. Julie: Here kitty. Susan Dinner time. Here kitty, kitty, kitty! (Susan and Julie stop looking for the cat, when they enter the kitchen and see a lot of the drawers are open) Susan: Cats can open drawers, can they? Julie: Are you sure you didn't leave them open this morning? Susan: Noway. Julie: Wow.Do you think somebody broke in? (Susan's about to answer, when they see a large screwdriver on the kitchen table. Susan look worried) Susan: MR WHISKERS!!! (Susan and Julie both start frantically calling for the cat and search through different rooms to find him) (The shot focuses on a door to a cupboard. We see the door open and we pan down to see the shoes of an intruder.The male intruder creeps to the door, and we see the cat follow and sneak out,with the intruder closing the door behind him) Mary Alice Voiceover: Though she didn't know it at the time Susan's luck(we see the intruder open the door again,and put the cat back inside the house) Mary Alice Voiceover: ..had finally started to change. OPENING CREDITS [EXT -Wisteria Lane -Night] (Shots of people all streaming towards the Scavo house) Mary Alice Voiceover: News that an intruder had breached the security of Wisteria Lane spread like wildfire. [INT-Scavo House ?Kitchen-Night] (Shots of people milling around, helping themselves to coffee and cakes) Mary Alice Voiceover: At a neighbourhood watch meeting the next night, residents voiced their concerns over the increasing dangers their community faced. (we watch Mike make himself coffee, and then go to find a seat with all the others) (shot of an old woman talking to the gathered crowd) Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs Eida Greenberg announced that someone was looking through her bathroom window whenever she took a shower. (shot of a geeky looking man talking to the gathered crowd)
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Bob Fisk warned those present that an unnamed government agency was listening in to their phone conversations. (shot of a large, motherly looking woman talking to the gathered crowd) Mary Alice Voiceover: Helen veil spoke of a ruthless local teenage gang that had egged her mini van. (the shot pans down to see a teenage boys quashed in between his parents on a sofa. He squirms, afraid of being caught out about the egging.) (Shot of a policeman giving a presentation to the assembled people, who are all watching attentively.) Policeman: There are three things that contribute to... (we can't hear what he says during the VO) Mary Alice Voiceover: The evening concluded with Officer Thompson offering safety tips and a plan of action. Policeman:So you can sign up for a situation you have control over. (He hands a clipboard to Lynette.) Policeman:You can sign up for either daily or nightly patrols. I know that might seem a bit like overkill, but I assure you. (Susan watches Lynette hand out the clipboard. She looks over her shoulder and smiles and waves at Mike. His halfhearted response makes her turn back, disappointed.) Policeman:That regular surveillance will deter even the most determined criminal. So are there any other questions? Alright then, let's be careful out there. (everyone claps.) (Susan gets up and talks to the policeman.) Susan: Actually I do have a question. Do you have a second? Policeman:Sure, how can I help? Susan: Well,I'm the one who discovered the break in and I think I found some evidence. Policeman:Evidence? (Susan pulls a screwdriver in a large clear plastic bag out of her purse and hands it to the policeman.) Susan: I think this is a screwdrivert left behind by the burglar. And I didn't touch it. Policeman: Why didn't you give this to the investigating officers? Susan: I tried! But they sort of laughed at me, because apparently nothing was taken from Mrs Fome's house. Policeman:Well, I apologise for that. It was totally unprofessional. Susan: Thank you! So do you think it should be dusted for prints? Policeman:Yes. And I'll make sure it gets done. (we see Mike watching the two of them.He doesn't look amused.) Susan:Great. (the cop smiles at Susan. Susan gives him a little smile, then leaves.) Susan: Bye. [INT-Scavo House -Living Room -Night] (It's later on and the meeting is over.Bree is helping to pack up the folding chairs, Susan is collecting the paper cups. The others are helping to clear up, whilst the twins are jumping on the sofa, having a pillow fight.) Lynette:Boys! Stop it! Go to bed. (the boys don't stop.) Preston: But we're not tired. Lynette: Well,at least go upstairs.. (She realises what she's holding, and holds out the half full bag of crisps to the boys. The boys see what she's holding and stop.) Preston: Gimme! Gimme! (Both boys reach for the crisps and Lynette backs away from them, towards the stairs. She throws the bag upstairs and the boys chase after them.)
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Lynette: GO!GO, GO! Preston: C' on. Porter: I'm right behind you. (Bree looks on disapprovingly at what she's just witnessed. When Lynette turns around and catches her look, she puts her hands up as if she's not going to say anything. Lynette looks pretty happy with the way she handled her kids though!!) [INT -Scavo House - Kitchen -Night] (Gabrielle and Susan are continuing to clean.) Gabrielle:So why weren't you sitting with Mike tonight? I thought you two were becoming an item. Susan: I thought we were too. But he's been giving a lot of mixed signals. Gabrielle:I'll tell you who wasn't giving mixed signals, was that sexy Officer Thompson.He was staring at you all night. Susan: You noticed that? Gabrielle:Honey, trust me. When they're not staring at me, I notice. (Susan laughs.) [INT-Scavo House -Living Room -Night] Lynette: I really do appreciate you guys staying and helping. Bree: Oh,please! I would have hosted it myself, only the kids are going away to the mountains tomorrow and there's camping equipment everywhere. Lynette:That's nice of you. And since we're talking about it, there's something else nice I'd like you to do. Your kids both went to Barcliff Academy, didn't they? Bree: (very proudly) Yes. Lynette: We need you to recommend Porter and Preston. We can't even get an interview. Bree: Oh,you want me to recommend the twins? Lynette:Yes, you can tell them how beautifully behaved the boys are. Bree: So you want me to lie? Lynette:Yeah. I thought that was understood. Bree: It's just that I'm very well respected at Barcliff, and my word won't be good there anymore. Lynette:Yes, but by the time they realise their mistake we'll be in. (Bree doesn't look too pleased about what she's been asked to do.) Lynette:You're not having any more kids. What do you care? Bree: Well,I had hoped someday to get my grandchildren into Barcliff. But I suppose that doesn't matter to you, does it? Lynette: It really doesn't. (Gabrielle and Susan are taking out bags of rubbish in the background. When they open the door, they hear shouting from across the street at the Young house. Bree and Lynette join them at the door.) Gabrielle: Paul and Zach are fighting again. Lynette:That's the second time this week. They never used to fight like that when Mary Alice was alive. Susan: It's a shame. They used to be such a happy family. Bree: Just because you didn't hear them fighting doesn't mean they were happy. (They all look at Bree-wondering if there's anything else to what she's saying.) [EXT -Wisteria Lane -Day] (opening shots of wisteria lane, with people milling about in red hats and over a sign saying neighbourhood watch area) Mary Alice Voiceover: The next day as residents began to patrol Wisteria Lane in the hope of foiling potential burglars, Gabrielle was about to experience a home invasion of her own.
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(we see a taxi driving down WisteriaLane. It pulls into the Solis driveway. Gabrielle comes outside. She wasn't expecting anyone and is confused about who it could be. A look of horror crosses her face when she sees it's-) Gabrielle:Mama Solis! (her mother in law) Gabrielle:What are you doing here? Mama Solis:I came to visit my son and daughter in law. What does it look like? Gabrielle: Does Carlos know you are coming? Mama Solis: No.He likes to be surprised. (Mama Solis drops her bags at her side and holds her arms out to Gabrielle.) Mama Solis: Now come, Gabrielle. (Gabrielle awkwardly goes to hug her mother in law.) Mama Solis: Family should always hug. (she bends in to whisper in Gabrielle's ear.) regardless of how they feel about each other. (Gabrielle pats her mother in law on the shoulder. Mama Solis walks off into the house, leaving Gabrielle to think about the awful time she'a going to have in the next few days with her here.) [INT -Barcliff Academy -Day] (we see a folder with a posh crest on it. the folder is opened to reveal Preston's application form for the school.(the twins' birthday is the 27th February 1998). We see that Lynette and Tom are at an interview for the school. The headmaster is looking through the file. He stops to give Lynette a distasteful look when she is tapping her hand on her bag. Lynette isn't the only nervous one, as Tom nervously looks around the room we see a selection of photographs of the headmaster on his yacht.) Tom: (re the boat) Wow. She's a beauty. Is that a 30 footer? Headmaster: (without looking up from the file) 32. Tom: Sweet.I sail. I've got a Flying Scot. Headmaster:Well, we have several yachting enthusiasts here at Barcliff Academy. I'll be happy to introduce them to you. (Tom and Lynette take this as a good sign and burst into smiles.) Lynette: Oh,that sounds great. Tom:Wonderful. Headmaster: If we decide to enrol your children. (Smiles fade) Headmaster: Tobe honest, Mr and Mrs Scavo, your children's educational background is a bit more common than we would prefer, but Mrs Van Der Kamp mentioned they were identical twins? Lynette:Yes. Completely identical. You can't tell them apart. They're like bookends. Headmaster: We do strive for diversity here at Barcliff. Identical twins could make for an interesting addition. Lynette: The boys are fascinating. They even have their own twin secret language, don't they,Tom? Tom: Yeah,yeah. It's pretty scary. Lynette: It's not really so much scary as highly developed. Tom: Yeah,they bark and growl at each otherLynette:Sorry, Tom, Mr Lenz was trying to say something. Mr Lenz? Tom: Sorry. Go ahead, Mr. Lenz. Headmaster:I'd love to meet these twins of yours. I tell you what, I'm going to put them on our must-meet list. Tom: Terrific. Lynette:Thank you so much.
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(They are laugh and are really excited.) Lynette:What is a must-meet list? Headmaster:We bring them in for observation. Lynette:Ooo-observation? Headmaster: Uh-huh.To see how they play with the other children, how they respond to authority.That kind of thing. (Fake smiles plastered all around for Tom and Lynette.) Tom: Great. Lynette:That's wonderful. [INT -Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen -Day] (Bree is packing sandwiches for Andrewand Danielle's trip.) Rex: Hey. Bree: Hi. Rex: Kids ready? Bree:Almost. Thanks again for driving them to the bus. Rex: Happy to do it. I miss them. (They look at each other sadly.) Bree: Did you hear there was a break in at Mrs Fome's the other night? Rex: Yeah. I heard they didn't take anything. (Rex pours himself a cup of coffee.) Bree: Well,that doesn't make it any less frightening. I mean, he could have been a sexual predator. Rex: What?And he ended up at Mrs Fome's? Boy, that would have been a lose-lose situation. Bree: Oh,Rex! That's not the point. (Bree fixes Rex's tie and jacket lapels.) Bree: The point is I don't feel safe here, and I was wondering if you would spend the night. Rex: You're in the NRA, you own like four guns! If somebody broke in I'd expect you to protect me. Bree: (sighs) Rex, the truth is, with the kids gone I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years. Rex: Honey,I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counselling may not work out. You need to get used to being alone. Bree: You're right. That was hard to hear. (She turns away from him. Rex reaches for a sandwich, but Bree takes it off him.) Rex: What are you doing? Bree: That is for the kids' trip. Rex: Oh,come on! I'm staying in a motel! I haven't had a decent meal in weeks. Bree: (with a sarcastic twist and fake smile on her face) Honey, the marriage counselling might not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking. (Rex almost smiles, knowing she got him good.) [EXT -Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] (Susan is watering her plants when a cop car pulls up behind her.) Officer Thompson: Hey. (Susan turns.) Officer Thompson: Screwdriver girl. (Susan laughs) Officer Thompson: I just came by to tell you that I took your evidence into the lab for fingerprints. Susan: Oh,really? That's great.
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Officer Thompson: So I'll call you if I hear something. Susan: Okay. (Susan accidentally sets off the sprinkler she was using, wetting Officer Thompson) Susan: Whoops,sorry. (they both laugh.) Officer Thompson: Actually, I'd like to call you anyway if that's okay. Susan: Oh!Uh, you seem like a really sweet guy, in an interesting line of work. But I um(looks across the street to Mike's house) I'm not really available. Officer Thompson: Oh ,(Crosses his arms) you have a boyfriend? Susan: Yeah.Sort of. Officer Thompson: Sort of? Susan: It's hard to explain. Even to myself. Voice (on Officer Thompson's radio): Just incoming, we have a 907A in progress at Maple Street. Officer Thompson: (to the radio) 10-4 I'm on my way. (to Susan) I gotta go. Apparently there's a hostage situation. (he's not serious.) Susan: (playing along) Oh wow. Officer Thompson: So you're really turning me down? Boy, my self esteem can't take this. Susan: I'm sorry. Officer Thompson: Oh, no. It's just that now my ability to help those hostages has been compromised. Still don't blame yourself for what might happen. Susan: (Smiling)Blame myself??? Officer Thompson: Yeah, it's just hard to rescue folks when you don't feel good about yourself. (waves his hand as if it doesn't matter and walks away.)Ah, they'll probably all die anyway. Susan: (Laughing out loud) Okay, fine I'll go out with you. Officer Thompson: Great. I'll call you. Susan: Now that you've gotten your date, can you tell me what that really mean -that 907A? Officer Thompson: Someone's TV was playing too loud. Susan: (joking) Well thank god for the thin blue line! Officer Thompson: I'll call you. (He drives away, and Susan goes back to watering her plants. She squirts herself with the hose.) [INT-Solis House-Day] (Carlos and his mother are talking to each other in Spanish.) (Gabrielle comes downstairs.) Gabrielle:I'll be outside doing my yoga. Carlos: (to his mother) (something in Spanish)I'll be right back. (Carlos goes after Gabrielle, who is rolling out her yoga mat on the porch.) Carlos: Do you have to do that now? My mother is here. Gabrielle: (Hands on hips, being stubborn) Hey! I'm not going to stop my life just because she decides to show up. Unannounced, I might add. Carlos: She's family. She doesn't need an invitation. Gabrielle:Yeah, well, whatever. It's rude. (Gabrielle reaches up to do her sun-salutations and closes her eyes, trying to focus. Carlos storms back inside. He finds his mother sitting down knitting.) Carlos: It's real pretty, Mama. You were always good with your hands. Mama Solis:So (some Spanish term of endearment), I assume you didn't insist that I travel 2,000 miles for small talk. So why am I here?
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(Carlos looks out the window at his wife doing yoga. He thinks before he answers) Carlos: She isn't happy. Mama Solis : (encouragingly) mm-hmm. Carlos: I've given her everything she ever wanted, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.I fear we are drifting further and further away. (Carlos is getting more upset with everything he admits to his mother. His head drops low for this last part.) Carlos: And lately I've started thinking that maybe she could be... Mama Solis: You think she's cheating on you. (Carlos nods. His eyes tear.) Carlos: I think so. (He breaks down. Mama Solis looks at him and gets up as if she's going to comfort her hurt child. But Mama Solis slaps him across the face.) Mama Solis:We can talk about your problems. But I'm not going to have any of that. (some Spanish words) Carlos:Sorry, mama. (Mama Solis sits down. She's coming upwith a plan.) Mama Solis: Do you have any proof? Carlos: No.No, it's just a feeling. Mama Solis:I had that feeling with your father and that whore waitress. And I was right.Always trust your feelings. Carlos: So what do I do? Mama Solis:You don't do anything. I'll take care of it. Carlos:Thank you, Mama. Mama Solis:I'm sorry I had to hit you. But we're strong people, and we don't cry about our problems. (She looks behind her out the window at Gabrielle.) Mama Solis:We find ways to fix them. [EXT-Wisteria Lane-Day] (Shots of groups of two people patrolling Wisteria Lane) Mary Alice Voiceover: Whilst the residents of Wisteria Lane kept up their patrols in an effort to prevent future break-ins, Lynette hatched a plan to break her children into Barcliff Academy. [INT-Scavo House-The Twin's Bedroom-Day] (The twins are fast asleep in bed, when their mom wakes them up.) Lynette:Boys? Wake up. (She prods Preston to wake him, and then pulls Porter by the ankles out from under the covers.) Lynette: You're going to have some fun today. (sounds of complaint from the boys who just want to go back to sleep) Lynette: (to Preston) Hey. Preston: Hi. [EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Scavo House-Day] (We see the twins are doing lots of star jumps. Next we see them racing down the street and Lynette rides past them on a bike) Lynette: (encouraging them to run faster)C'on! I got you beat! (Next we see the boys doing sprints,back and fore, touching the ground when they reach each end. Next they're dragging their mother along the ground on a sled as she shouts encouragement to them to pull harder.) Lynette:Yes, yes, come on! (next we see the boys digging in the Scavo backyard. There are multiple shots, each with the boys a little
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further into the hole. We see Lynette lying on a sun lounger reading and drinking iced tea as the boys complain.) Preston: Mom?We're tired. Porter: How much longer do we have to do this? Lynette: I can still see your heads. The pool's not deep enough. (The boys heads pop up over the edge of the hole. Once they realise they're getting a pool they start digging again with no complaints. Lynette smiles, she knew they'd fall for that trick) [INT-Barcliff Academy-Day] (It's the twins' meeting day. The headmaster and Lynette stand outside the room the boys are in watching them.) Headmaster: Are your boys usually so docile? (we see the boys. They're both sitting quietly at a table. One of the boys' eyes are drooping and the other's head is practically on the table.) Lynette:They're always a little shy at first. (One of the twins gets hit on the head with a ball. He doesn't even move.) Lynette: Look at that concentration. Porter loves his puzzles. Headmaster:Hmm. (Lynette smiles, pleased her plan worked.) [INT-Solis House-Day] (Gabrielle's mobile goes off. She pulls it out of her purse and reads the text message. It says "meet me at the motel".Gabrielle looks back at her mother law and decides to leave.) Gabrielle:Mama, I'll be right back. I'm going to the store. (Mama Solis looks at her as she leaves.) [EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Solis House-Day] (Gabrielle puts her sunglasses on and is about to leave, when Mama Solis runs after her -she's not going to leave her alone.) Mama Solis: Gabrielle!I'm coming with you. I wanna make some tamales for Carlos. Gabrielle: You know, Juanita, I'm not going to the supermarket. I'm going to the lingerie store. Mama Solis: Good.I need some bras. Gabrielle: I may be a while. And I may get a facial. Mama Solis:I have a face. (Gabrielle gives up and let's her mother in law into the car.) [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Delfinohouse -Day] (Mike is moving boxes out of the back of his truck.) Susan: Hey,Mike. Mike: Hey,hows it going? Susan: Good.I just came by to say hello. Mike: (joking) Hello. (Susan gives a little laugh, then launches into why she really came over.) Susan: So you member that cop from the neighbourhood watch meeting ? He agreed to run a fingerprint check on the screwdriver I found at Mrs Fome's house. Mike: He did? (he puts the box down) Nothing was taken. Susan: Still somebody broke in, it is a crime. So the weird thing is, the cop asked me out.On a date. Mike: Oh? Susan: And I sort of said Yes. I was sort of curious what you thought about that. (Mike looks confused and uncomfortable to be talking about this. He goes back to working under the bonnet
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of his car, so he doesn't have to face her.) Mike: You're asking my permission to go out with him? Susan: No.no. I just uh, was wondering your opinion. Mike: I don't really have one. (Susan seems disappointed by this.) Susan: Okay.Great. Fine.Thank you. Mike: Susan,wait. Wait. I'm sorry. My life, it's just ah, really complicated right nowSusan: You don't have to explain. (she walks away) Mike: Susan! Susan: (over her shoulder) It's complicated. I get it. (Mike is angry at himself. He throws his rag down. He goes into the garage and moves the box again. Behind it we see a rack of tools. One of his set of screwdrivers is missing.) [INT-Young House-Living Room-Day] (Bree knocks on the door) Bree: Paul? (The door is open, so she enters and sees Zach sitting on the floor with his back to her, moving a scrubbing brush repeatedly over the same spot.) Bree: Oh, hi,Zachery. I'm sorry. The door was open andZach: (quietly, without turning around) It's okay. You can come in. Bree: Is your father here? We were scheduled to do a patrol today. Zach: He had to go out of town. Again. Bree: Oh.Well,, I guess I can do it by myself. (she stops and looks around the room) Bree: Wow,this place is just immaculate. Zach: My mom liked things clean. Bree: Zach,she would be very proud of you. (gasps when she sees what Zach is scrubbing at)What happened to your varnish? Zach: It's where my mother died. They messed up the floor trying to get out the blood. Bree: Oh. (Bree can't believe what she's seeing) Zach: I'l let my dad know you stopped by. (Bree is really heartbroken by what she sees.) Bree: Zach,do you have any plans for dinner? [INT-Lingerie Store -Day] (Gabrielle is wandering around the store, not really shopping, looking at her watch. Mama Solis is behind her) Mama Solis:So you shop a lot, huh? (Gabrielle looks through a display of knickers) Gabrielle: Yeah.So? Mama Solis:Most women that shop a lot, it's because they don't have anything better to do. Gabrielle: What's your point? Mama Solis:Well, if you had childrenGabrielle: (walks off) Here we go. Mama Solis: I'm just saying that children give your life purpose. You get so busy taking care of them that you don't have any time to wonder if you're happy. Gabrielle:You know, Juanita, this is so like you. I take you on a nice shopping trip and you find ways to upset
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me. Mama Solis:Oh, you didn't invite me. I invited myself. (Gabrielle looks at the time again) Mama Solis: You keep looking at your watch. Is there someplace you have to be? Gabrielle: (a bit too loudly and forcefully) NO. (They get some strange looks off other women shoppers) Gabrielle:And for the record, I am not one of those women who has a hole in her heart that can only be filled by a baby. I like my life. A lot. It's very fulfilling. (She slams a set of lingerie back on the rack and storms off.) Mama Solis (to other shoppers who were watching the argument): Excuse my daughter in law,she's very fulfilled. (They nod understandingly) [EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House-Day] (Lynette is refilling the hole the boys dug the previous day.) Lynette: So he just blew you off? Susan: I told him another man asked me out, it was the perfect opportunity for Mike to be jealous. And nothing. Lynette: Well,did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes. Susan:Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down. I'm telling you, nothing. (Susan offers Lynette a bottle of water) Lynette: Oh,thanks. Susan: So what's going on there? (points to the hole Lynette is filling in) Lynette: Um(looks at her boys sleeping in two seats in the garden)Gophers. Susan: Wow. Lynette: Listen, I'm sorry about Mike. I know how much you like him. Susan: Aw,maybe it's my fault. Maybe I just imagined an entire relationship with this man that didn't exist. Lynette:There has been flirting. Susan: Yes,and the flirting made me think that he was kind and trustworthy and honest and hygienic. That's how it is with me. A guy just smiles at me three times and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess. Lynette: But to be fair, that is part of your charm. Susan:That's what happened with Carl. I only dated him a couple of months. I filled in the blanks; I married him. It was a disaster! Lynette:You think Mike is a Carl in disguise? Susan: I dunno. What does that mean anyway? My life is complicated? [EXT-Park -Day] (we see a man's shoes walking through the park. The shot pans up and we see it's Mike. He's walking towards a man(Noah) sat on a park bench, watching children play football (a soccer to all the Americans) ) Noah: If I wanted to sit around and wait for nothing I could do it on the can. (looks at his watch). You're late. What's with the face? Mike: I screwed up. I broke into the Fome house and almost got caught. Noah: What's almost? Mike: I accidentally left something behind with my prints on it. Noah: Don't you own a pair of gloves? Mike: It's the suburbs. I didn't think it would matter. Anyway, the police are running a check, and I'm in the system. I've got to pull up sticks before they come looking for me. Noah: That's a sweet sound (re the noise of children playing) laughter like that, huh? It pisses me off. If and
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when your cover is blown, you disappear. Until then, you keep fixing the neighbourhood pipes. Mike: The more time I spend in this town, the more I think we're making a mistake. These are nice people. Noah: My money says one of them isn't. (A kid's ball rolls up to where they are sitting. Noah stops the ball, and hands it back to the boy who comes to collect it. he's all smiles, acting like a granddad helping his grandson) Kid: Thanks. (As the kid runs back to his game, Noah turns back to Mike and his smile disappears) Noah: No more screw ups. (He leaves, leaving Mike watching him go) [INT-Solis House -Living Room-Day] (A south American TV show is on "a man and woman are sharing a kiss". We see Mama Solis is captivated by the show,whilst Gabrielle is watching her mother in law's enthrallment with disbelief) Gabrielle:I'm getting something to drink. Do you want something? (Mama Solis shushes Gabrielle and waves her out of the room. As Gabrielle leaves, she suddenly realises her mother in law won't notice if she leaves to see John. A smile breaks out on her face as she plans to see him) (We see Gabrielle sneaking around the side of the house until she reaches a garage where John is working. John looks up as he hears Mrs Solis enter. He looks angry when he sees its her) Gabrielle:Now don't be mad. John: I waited at that motel for three hours for you. I had to use a month's worth of lunch money to pay for that room. Gabrielle:It's not my fault. Juanita hasn't let me out of her sight since she got here. John: Really?Well I don't see her now. Gabrielle:She's watching her Mexican soap opera. The reverend's virgin daughter is about to be seduced by the escaped desperado. So until she puts out Juanita won't even know that I'm gone. (Gabrielle has been moving closer to John during this. She runs her hand over his chest -but he moves away, still mad) Gabrielle:Come on! I said I was sorry. John: Yeah.Just so you know, I've turned down half the pep squad for you. Gabrielle: (Laughs)You can't be serious. John: Well,you know, I'm starting to think that maybe I should be with someone my own age. Gabrielle:But I thought teenage girls bored you, John? I thought what we had was beyond that. John: So did I. Gabrielle:So why do you want to go back to something you don't want? John: I don't know. Gabrielle:Maybe you're tired of me. John: No. I wanna be with you. Gabrielle:So why are we arguing? (Just as they're about to kiss, there'sa voice calling from outside) Mama Solis: (off screen) Gabrielle! Gabrielle: Dammit! (looks at her watch. She's confused) The virgin gave it up already? John: I want you so bad. When can I see you again? Gabrielle:Tomorrow. Meet me at the front entrance of the mall after school. John: What about your mother in law? Gabrielle: Don't worry. I'll think of something. (they kiss)
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Mama Solis: (off screen) Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Gabrielle: (screams)Coming! [INT-Scavo House -Living Room-Night] (Tom and Lynette are relaxing at the end of the day. Tom brings them drinks from the kitchen. They are sitting on the sofa) Tom: A donation? Now Barcliff wants a donation. Lynette:Apparently we're in competition with one other family. A generous donation will ensure our kids beat them out. Tom: How generous? Lynette: (from behind her coffee mug) Fifteen thousand. Tom: Pff! We don't have that! Lynette: And that's what I told them. Tom: So what do we do? Well, public school is out, unless we move to a new district. Lynette:We're not moving. Tom: Maybe it's time that we look into home schooling? Lynette:(swallows the drink she just took) I know you did not just say that. Tom: Honey,it's got its advantages. Kids who are home schooled do better in their later years. Lynette:(seriously) They won't make it to their later years if I have to spend all day with them. Tom: Honey,sometimes you've just got to make the sacrifice. It's probably the best thing for the kids. Lynette:(sarcastically) Why don't we just put them back in me and cook them until they're civilised? Tom: You'd be cool with that? (They both laugh) [INT-Van Der Kamp House-Dining Room -Night] (Bree and Zach are sitting down for dinner) Zach: I've never had plum pudding before. Bree: I'm serving it this year for Christmas. I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday. That way, if the cook book has gotten it wrong, I can fix it. Zach: You must really like Christmas. You and Mr Van Der Kamp always have the best decorations on your lawn. Bree: I adore the holidays. I never get depressed if there's a beautifully decorated tree to look at. Zach: My mom and I would always decorate our tree together. (Bree looks heartbroken for him) Zach: This Christmas is going to be weird. Bree: Oh,Zach. You know, my mother died when I was young. She was hit by a car. Zach: Oh! Bree: It was right before Christmas as a matter of fact. We were all singing carols and the dog was howling, because everyone in my family sings off-key except for me.Anyway, it was just a terrible ruckus.So no-one noticed when my mother wenta cross the street to give the neighbour their gift. The next thing we heard were brakes screeching. Zach: Wow. Bree: Most of my family went to the hospital, but I stayed home because I was so young.When I looked out the window I saw all my mother's blood on the street and nobody was doing anything about it. So I got a hose and I washed it off. And once it was clean, I felt so much better. (She shakes her head, to clear her thoughts) Bree: I've never told anyone that story before. Zach: Well,those are the most interesting ones-the stories that we never tell anyone.
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Bree: Yes,you're probably right. Zach: I have one. It's more of a secret really. (Bree leans forward, conspiratorially, really interested in what Zach's about to say) Bree: Ooooh. Zach: I know why my mom killed herself . (This wasn't what Bree was expecting to hear. She leans back, aghast) Bree: You do? Zach: It was something I did. Something bad. (they both lean back. Bree is totally shocked, Zach realises he shouldn't have told) Bree: What did you do??? Zach? Sweetheart? (Zach grabs a hold of the full drinking glass in front of him-he's grabbing it really hard and Bree's afraid he'll break it and hurt himself) Zach: No!No, I'd better not. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have done this. (He gets up from his chair, and tries to leave. Bree tries to calm him down and stop him leaving) Zach: If my dad found out.. Bree: Zach,calm down. Zach: No,please. I Bree: Zach,I won't tell your father. Zach: I can't get you involved. Bree: Zachery, it's alright! (She finally has to give up and watch him leave) [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] (Susan, Gabrielle and Bree are in Susan's garden. Susan is changing a light bulb in her lamp) Susan: I can't believe Zach said that. What else did he tell you? Bree: Nothing.That's it. Just that Mary Alice killed herself because of something he had done. Susan: You couldn't get any more out of him? Bree: Oh, I tried. But he was so nervous he actually started shaking and then he just left. Gabrielle:Okay, this is getting really weird. I think we should go to the police. Bree: And tell them what? We don't even have the note anymore, we gave it to Paul. Susan: Then you're going to have to get Zach to tell you something, so we have more to go on. Bree: Girls,you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind. Gabrielle:Oh, for god's sake, Bree, you're a woman. Manipulate him. It's what we do! Bree: But how? Gabrielle: I don't know. How do you usually manipulate Rex? (Bree thinks for a second, then a hugesmile spreads over her face) [EXT-Young House -Day] (Zach answers his front door to find Bree there) Bree: Hello,Zachery. Are you free for dinner tonight? Zach: Sure. Bree: Oh,good, because last night you put me in such a holiday mood, so I'm going to make roast turkey and canned yams and egg nog. Have you ever had real old-fashioned egg nog? Zach: No, I don't think so. Bree: Oh!You are going to love it! It has quite a kick.. [INT-Scavo House -Living Room-Day] (the boys are kicking a football around and diving all over the place playing. Lynette looks up from her book (The fun of home schooling) to despair at the thought of 24 hours a day with her boisterous boys)
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Lynette: Boys,could you stop? (The boys don't stop playing -just get noisier. She gives up, throws the book down and leans back on the sofa. But she leans against something stuffed down the side. She pulls it out-it's a toy boat) Preston: MOM!MOM! HE'S HITTING ME! Porter: No,I'm not! (Lynette just holds her head and looks at the boat) [INT:Shopping Mall-Day] (Gabrielle is looking through racks of clothes with her mother in law) Mama Solis: Gabrielle, please! You've bought me enough things. You're the one that's supposed to be shopping. Gabrielle:Oh, Mama, you're in a rut! We need to spice up your wardrobe. (Spies somethingshe likes) Oooh, try this one on. (Mama Solis doesn't know what to do) Gabrielle:Go on, try it on. [INT-Changing Rooms -Day] (Gabrielle checks her make-up in a changing room mirror) Gabrielle: Mama Solis, how're you doing in there? Mama Solis: (out of breath) Is it supposed to be so tight? Gabrielle:Yes, it's form-fitting. You're going to look great. Mama Solis: Gabrielle,I don't think this dress is right for me. I can't breathe! (Gabrielle spies a brightly coloured top with security tags on it on a chair in the dressing room. She has an idea, she picks up the top) Gabrielle: Well,maybe I made a mistake. (She bundles up the top and puts it in one of Mama Solis' shopping bags) Gabrielle:While you get changed I'm going to run to the book store. (Gabrielle grabs her purse and starts to run out of the changing room, desperate to get away from Juanita) Mama Solis: (Still in the cubicle struggling with the dress) Gabrielle! Wait! Wait, I'm coming with you. Gabrielle: No,no, I'll just be a minute. (Mama Solis finally gets the dress off and comes out of the cubicle, about to chase after Gabrielle. She stops when she realises she's not dressed) (Gabrielle is hurrying out of the store.We see Mama Solis, now dressed, flatten her hair, grab her bags and give chase to her daughter in law) (They're now both running through the store) Mama Solis: Gabrielle!Wait! (As Mama Solis leaves the store,attempting to catch Gabrielle, she sets off the security alarms.) Shop Assistant: (stopping Mama Solis) Ma'am. Ma'am. I'm sorry I'm going to need to look at your bags please. (Gabrielle smiles and keeps on walking) Mama Solis:Alright. Just hurry up.(she watches which direction Gabrielle goes in) [EXT-Mall-Day] (We see Gabrielle, very happy with herself, push open the doors and walk up to John who was waiting for her outside) John: Right on time. (They kiss) [INT-Mall-Day] (The shop assistant is holding up the blouse with the security tags on it that she found in Juanita's bag)
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Mama Solis:I'm telling you I don't know where that blouse came from. Shop Assistant: Security! (there are two security guards standing near by) Mama Solis:(pushes past the shop assistant) Alright! Keep your stupid blouse. I have to find my daughter in law. (The two security guards stop her) Mama Solis: Don't touch me! (Pushes them away) Don't you dare touch me! (The security guards lift her up and drag her back into the store, kicking and screaming all the way) Security Guard #1: Ma'am you're going to have to come with us. Mama Solis: Get off me! Gabrielle! [INT-Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen -Day] (Bree is preparing the feast for her and Zach that night. The turkey is done and so are a number of other dishes. She's humming Christmas carols. The phone rings) Bree: Hello? (The shot goes to split screen. One half stays with Bree in the kitchen, the other half shows Rex who's on the other end of the phone, in his motel room) Rex: Hey,it's me. Bree: Oh, hi,Rex. How are you? Is something wrong? Rex: Well, I was just about to grab dinner from the motel vending machines when it occurred to me. What the heck. I'll go out.Would you like to have dinner with me? (Bree looks around at everything she's cooked and her plans for the night) Bree: Uh?(we don't hear her answer) [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Van Der KampHouse -Day] (Bree is leaving her house, wearing dark sunglasses. Zach is on his way over to meet her) Zach: Mrs Van Der Kamp, guess what's found all of mom's old Christmas stuff. Bree: Oh,sweetie, I was just coming over to talk to you. I'm so sorry, but something really important came up and I have to cancel. (Zach doesn't look like he's taking this bit of news very well) Zach: Really? Bree: We will do it again. (She reaches out to touch his face) We'll have our impromptu holiday dinner, I promise. Bye. (She runs off to her car, leaving Zach standing there) [EXT-Dark Street-Night] (We see a police car drive past an alley.We see that Susan and Officer Thompson are in the car.) Susan: I've got one. Kelly Holstatter. In eighth grade she used to spit in my gym shoes. (Officer Thompson enters the name on his computer, and information about her comes up on the screen.) Officer Thompson: Kelly Holstatter. Here. Two DUIs, one cheque kiting and one open bench warrant. Susan: How tragic! By which I mean, yay? (they laugh) Officer Thompson: Yeah, you've been a really good sport, coming along on my shift with me. Susan: Well,time flies when you're on a stakeout in crack town. (they laugh again) Susan: So when does our official date begin? Officer Thompson: (Looks at his watch) Well, taxpayers say twenty minutes but I say now. (He closes his computer screen) [INT-Scavo House -Kitchen - Night] (Lynette is clearing up crumbs from the table, the book is open on the table)
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Tom: They're down. Lynette: Oh,thank you. (They kiss) Tom: (Sees the book and is thrilled) Honey, you've been reading up on home schooling? Lynette:Yeah. It gave me some good ideas. Well, one, anyway. Tom: Great!What have you got? Lynette:Well, you know how we both agree that one of us needs to stay home and parent the kids and one of us needs to go off and make a living. And then I suddenly remembered, when I was working I made a little more than you. (Tom looks scared out of his mind, as he's figured out where this conversation is going) Tom: What are you doing? Lynette: You tossed out that little Sacrifice comment a while ago and it occurred to me,I've made sacrifices over the past six years. I gave up my career! If another sacrifice has to be made, I think it's your turn on the merry-go-round. Tom: L-L-Lynette? Lynette: So if I went back to work, then you could stay home and take care of the kids. Tom: I can't do that. The kids all day? I'd lose my mind! Lynette:Ah-ha! (Lynette smiles, she's proved her point) Tom: Hey,hey. (puts his hands up) Okay, I get it. Home schooling is out (throws away the book). So how are we going to scrape together fifteen grand for this endowment? Lynette:(Faking it) Hmmm. How? (She wrings her hands and leans against the fireplace,where there are lots of pictures of the kids and of Tom on his boat). Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette was so desperate to avoid home schooling, that she saw no other options on the horizon until a solution sailed into view. (Lynette smiles at the pictures, then looks back at Tom) Tom: Oh no. Lynette:Aye, aye. [EXT-Dark Street-Night] (Officer Thompson is getting changed ready for the beginning of his date with Susan. They boot of his car is open as he gets his clean shirt out) Officer Thompson: So the restaurant is run by this little old guy named Arnello. He will propose to you. Don't say yes, because he's dead serious. (laughs) Susan: But what if I like him? (As officer Thompson pulls out his new shirt, she sees the screwdriver she gave him still in its plastic bag) Susan: Hey,I thought this went to the lab. (he realises he's been caught out) Officer Thompson: Alright. You got me. Susan: And that means what? Officer Thompson: Look, Susan, no one would authorise lab time or a computer search for a case like this. It's just not a priority. Susan: So why couldn't you just tell me that? Officer Thompson: Well, I thought we were clicking. Does this need to be a big deal? Susan: Well,if you'd only lied to me about it once, it wouldn't be. Officer Thompson: Alright, I get it. You want me to beg. Okay, look at me. (He goes down on his knees) I'm begging. (He's laughing, like its just a joke but Susan doesn't see it that way). C'on, don't be such a girl about
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this. Susan: I know who you are. You're a Carl in disguise. I'm done with you: all of you. (She collects her bag from the front seat of the patrol car and walks off) Officer Thompson: Oh, come on, drama queen. What are you doing? Where are you going?It's not safe. Susan: I'd rather take my chances on the street, thank you very much. Officer Thompson: Urgh. Why do I always pick the psychos? [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Van Der Kamp House-Night] (Zach is walking over to the Van Der Kamp House. He's carrying an axe. He smashes a pane of the back door) [EXT-Streets -Night] (Susan is wandering the streets) Susan: (to a hooker) Excuse me. I think I'm lost. Hooker: You best be lost. This here's my corner. Susan: Oh!Uh, yes, and a lovely corner it is too. I hate to bother you while you're working but I was just wondering if you could point me in the direction of a pay phone. Oh, and if you had some change for this five (takes a five dollar bill out of her purse), preferably quarters?. Hooker:Honey, if I got paid in quarters, I'd be doing something very wrong. Susan: Right!Okay. Thank you. (she quietly puts the money back in her purse and starts to leave) Hooker: Hey,you wanna use my cell? I have weekend minutes. Susan: Oh,thank you so much! You're saving my life!! (a car pulls up and honks) Hooker: Oh,excuse me, honey. Susan: Oh,yeah, sure, go ahead. Do what you've got to do. (Susan dials a number and waits) Susan: (to herself) Oh please answer. C'on, pick up, Julie. (Julie picks up the phone) Oh,thank god. Listen, don't ask any questions, just get somebody down here to pick me up at the corner of Ninth and Foster. (a car slows down in front of Susan) Driver: Hey,babe. Susan: Thank you,no, I'm on a break. (to Julie, begging) Hurry Please! [EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Van Der Kamp House -Night] (there are police cars and flashing lights everywhere, when Bree and Rex arrive) Rex: Excuse me, we got a call. Something about a break in? Policeman:One of your neighbours reported seeing someone forcing his way into your home.We sent some guys out to investigate and uhBree: What is it? Policeman: I gotta tell you ma'am, I thought I'd seen a lot of things on the job but, uh,this is something else. (he opens the front door and leads them inside. Once inside they see that there are sparkling lights everywhere, with Christmas garlands strung over the walls and a gorgeous tree has been decorated in their living room. As Bree walks into the room, she sees three stockings hung over the fireplace -they have the names Paul, Zach and Mary Alice on them) (There's a time jump to) [INT-Van Der Kamp House-Living Room -Night] Rex: So let me get this straight. He chopped down one of our pine trees? Policeman: I'm afraid so. (Zach is led out from the other room in handcuffs by a different policeman) Bree: Zach,why did you do this?
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Zach: I don't know. Bree: (to the policeman holding Zach) Take off those handcuffs please. Policeman:Ma'am, he confessed to breaking in. Bree: This is NOT up for discussion. (The policeman looks to Rex for approval) Rex: Go ahead. (Just as they are removing Zach's handcuffs, Paul walks in. The policeman holds him back) Paul: Zach?! (Paul seems mad. He runs his hand over his face, as if he's unsure what to do. Zach is like a deer caught in headlights. He can't run away. He slowly reaches for Bree's hand. Bree's shocked to feel his hand in hers, but she holds it and looks at him - He's terrified of his dad.) [EXT-Dark Street-Night] (Susan is still waiting on the street corner, when a blue van pulls up looking for her. It's Mike) Mike: (he calls out the window to her) You okay? Susan: Yeah. Mike: (Smiling)Then how much for a trip around the world? (Susan rolls her eyes, then walks towards the car) Susan: I cannot believe Julie sent you. She is soon going to be dead. (Mike opens the door for her) Mike: C'on,get in. (Susan sighs, and gets in. she throws the screwdriver onto the dashboard. Mike sees it) Mike: Wasn't that sent in for prints? Susan: No.The cop lied to me. (Mike sighs with relief) Susan: I don't want to talk about it. Mike: I was just asking. (They drive off) [INT-Solis House -Night] (Gabrielle is talking on the phone,coming down the stairs) Gabrielle:(on the phone) Yes, apparently they found a blouse in her bag-Oh, I don't know, Carlos. At some point older people just start to get confused. She probably thought she paid for it. No. No charges. (She looks in on Mama Solis, who is knitting in the living room) Gabrielle:(on the phone) No, everything is fine. I'll tell her. Bye. (she hangs up the phone) Gabrielle:Mama Solis, Carlos is going to be late home for dinner. It's just the two of us.What would you like to eat? Mama Solis:Oh, I'm not hungry. Gabrielle:Okay, suit yourself. (She leaves) Mama Solis: Don't go yet. I need to talk to you. (She turns around) Mama Solis:It's important. Please. (Gabrielle grudgingly sits down with her mother in law. Mama Solis continues to knit throughout their conversation) Mama Solis:I married Diego Solis when I was 16 years old. A few months into our marriage he started to beat me. I was so young and stupid I didn't know what to do. Gabrielle: Juanita,I had no idea.
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Mama Solis:It got so bad that I started praying to god to let me die. But god in his infinite wisdom gave me a reason to live. Gabrielle:Carlos. Mama Solis: Ay,he was a beautiful baby. But my husband wasn't much of a father. He never held him. He would yell and scream at him for no reason at all. One night, when Carlos was four, Diego Solis came home,drunk. And he beat my Carlos. Something inside me snapped, and at that moment I found a way to be strong. So I made sure that Diego Solis would never hurt my son or me ever again. Gabrielle:What did you do? Mama Solis:Well, if you pray hard enough, god gives you the tools to your salvation. (The shot begins to focus on the knitting needles and the sharp metallic noise they make when they scrape together.Gabrielle flinches) Gabrielle:Carlos said that his father left for a waitress in El Passo. Mama Solis:(nods) That's what he was told. Mothers know they have to protect their children. But some of us take our job more seriously than others. Gabrielle:(pulls her top closer together to cover herself) I don't know why you're telling me this. (Mama Solis looks straight at her, with no nonsense) Mama Solis:I think you do. (shot of Gabrielle watching her mother in law knit with the extra loud clickety clack of the needles) [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Night] (Mike's car pulls up in front of Susan's house. The atmosphere is very awkward in the car) Mike: Okay,I know you're mad at me and I'm sorry I didn't stop you from going out with that guy. Susan: I'm not mad at you. I mean I'm not just mad at you-I'm mostly mad at myself. Mike: Okay. Susan: I'm mad that I like you so much without knowing anything about you. Mike: Oh.What do you want to know? Susan: What's your favourite food? Mike: Mexican. (he turns to face her in the car) Susan: What's your favourite sport? Mike: Football. Susan: Favourite band? Mike: Elvis Costello. Susan:That's a guy not a band. Mike: It's a guy with a band. (Susan smiles. She breaks eye contact before asking the question she really wants to know the answer to) Susan: What do you think of me? (Mike looks away from her. he's having trouble figuring this out himself. Susan worries about what he's going to say.But she needn't as he makes up his mind and leans over to kiss her (AWWW)) Susan:(sighs happily) I'm sorry, could you repeat that? (They smile at each other and kiss again) [EXT-Wisteria Lane -Young House-Night] (Bree is going over to the Young house to check on Zach. As she approaches she hears arguing. At this she stops outside their door, unsure what to do) Zach: What?What do you want to talk about? Paul: Do you realise how obscene this looks? Zach: Do you even care about me at all? Did you even care about mom?
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(Bree starts to leave) Paul: Don't talk to me that way. Zach: I think I just did. (Sounds of something smashing. At this Bree realises she can't turn a blind eye and knocks on the door. Zach opens the door as if nothing strange is happening) Zach: Mrs Van Der Kamp. Bree: Hi,Zach. I just wanted to see if everything was alright. Zach: Everything's fine. Bree: Are you sure? Zach: Yes. Bree: Oh,well, okay. I'll see you tomorrow then. Zach: I'm sure that you will. (Zach closes the door, and walks away.He walks past his father who is on the floor with a cut lip) [EXT - Wisteria Lane -Day] (shots of the neighbourhood watch people patrolling the streets) Mary Alice Voiceover: People by their very nature are always on the lookout for intruders. [INT-Barcliff Academy-Corridor-Day] (The twins are running about in their school uniforms. They run into the headmaster who can't believe what he's seeing. Lynette is trying to catch up to the boys. She smiles apologetically as she passes the headmaster) Mary Alice Voiceover: Trying to prevent those on the outside getting in. [EXT-Solis House-Day] (Gabrielle is going outside to do her yoga. But she sees Mama Solis sat outside knitting. She gives up and heads back inside) Mary Alice Voiceover: But there will always be those who force their way into our lives. [EXT-Mayer House -Day] (Susan and Julie open their front door.Mike is there with a pizza. They welcome him in, with happy smiles all around) Mary Alice Voiceover: Just as there will be those that we invite in. Susan: Hi. Mike: Hi. [EXT -Van Der Kamp House -Day] (Bree comes outside ready to do some gardening. She looks next door and sees-) [EXT-Young House-Day] (Paul is walking Zach to the car,carrying a bag. Zach's head is down, he's upset. Bree watches as they both get into the car and drive away) Mary Alice Voiceover: But the most troubling of all will be the ones that stand on the outside looking in. The ones we never truly get to know.
Desperate Housewives 1X06- Running to Stand Still -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice begins speaking as the camera pans over to Gabrielle
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Previously on "desperate housewives" Zach:I know why my mom killed herself. Mary Alice Voiceover:Secrets were revealed. Gabrielle:This is getting really weird.I think we should go to the police. Mary Alice Voiceover:Relationships got complicated. Gabrielle:Mama Solis. What are you doing here? Mama SolisSo you think she's cheating on you? CarlosI think so. Mama SolisI'll take care of it. Rex: We got a call --something about a break-in. Policeman:I thought I'd seen a lot on the job,but this is something else. Mary Alice Voiceover:And the mystery... Bree: Zach, why did you do this? Zach:I don't know. Mary Alice Voiceover: Deepened. Rex:Zach. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Suburbia is a battleground, an arena for all forms of domestic combat. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children, but the bloodiest battles often involve women and their mothers-in-law. [Carlos's house] (Inside the house, where the two of them and Mama Solis eat breakfast.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed, and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since. From the prenuptial agreement which she reluctantly signed, to the selection of wedding music she despised, the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted ... Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another. And now that Juanita suspected her daughter-in-law of having an affair, it had became increasintly apparent that in this war... Yoa Lin: "Mrs. Solis, I'll be at the market." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...no prisoners would be taken." Gabrielle: "Thank you, Yoa Lin." Mama Solis: "I don't see why you have her." Gabrielle: "It's a big house. I need help." Mama Solis: "It's only called help when you do some of the work yourself." Gabrielle: "I supervise." Mama Solis: "You pay her $300 a week. That's $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you're not putting away enough for retirement!" Carlos: "You know, baby, it would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses." Gabrielle: "You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?" Carlos: "Other women manage..." (He gets up from the table and Gabrielle looks at Mama Solis, who smiles triumphantly. ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Bedroom] (Carlos lies on the bed, reading, when Gabrielle glides into the room in a revealing outfit of bra and underwear. She clears her throat, crawls on the bed, and straddles Carlos. She kisses him, and then sighs.)
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Carlos: "Mmmm... that's nice.." Gabrielle: "You like that?" Carlos: "Oh yeah." Gabrielle: "God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos." Carlos: "What do you mean?" Gabrielle: "Well, since, I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives..." Carlos: "Mmm hmm..." Gabrielle: "...I'm going to be exhausted at night--just like all the other wives ... till I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple years..." (She kisses Carlos down his body as he frowns.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(The Next Morning) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly for Juanita, she had ignored the first rule of war..." (Carlos comes down the stairs.) Mama Solis: "Good morning, Carlos." Carlos (emphatically): "The maid stays." (He leaves.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Never underestimate your enemy!" (Mama Solis looks up to the staircase where Gabrielle stands, triumphant.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside of Paul Young's House; Yard Sale] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of the many suburban rituals, none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale. The shoppers come to sift through the discarded belongings of someone they don't really know, in hopes of finding bargains they don't really need, each so determined to save a few pennies, they often miss hidden treasures..." (Paul puts things in a box and closes the top, revealing that the box is labeled "Baby Stuff.") (Susan walks up to him.) Susan: "Hey, Paul." Paul: "Hi, Susan." Susan: "I got to say, I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale. She got it for doing charity work, from the Chamber of Commerce." Paul: "Zach and I are moving. We don't need to carry any more with us than is absolutely necessary." Susan: "That makes sense. Still, I just want to make sure you didn't want to keep it, for Zach, something to remember his mother by." Paul: "Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother. I'm out of newspaper." (He picks up a yellow/green blanket to wrap the glass.) "Here, let's call it ten bucks for everything." Susan: "Great. Speaking of Zach, I haven't seen him around lately." Paul: "He's been a bit depressed. I thought he could use a change of scenery, so I sent him to stay with relatives." Susan: "Oh, which ones?" Paul: "You don't know them." Susan: "So, how'd you get the fat lip?" Paul: "The usual way. Asking too many questions." (Paul walks away and Susan picks up the box and walks over to where Gabrielle is.) Gabrielle: "Did you find out where Zach is?"
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Susan: "No, but I can tell you this much. He's not staying with relatives." (Carlos and Mama Solis stand off in a corner. Mama Solis looks at a record album while Carlos surveys the crowd.) Carlos: "It's driving me crazy, mama. It could be any one of these guys she's having the affair with." Mama Solis: "Don't worry about it. I'm not letting her out of my sight." Carlos: "Now, who the hell is that? And look at the way she's touching him. You think that's the guy she's having the affair with? " Mama Solis: "Carlos, don't be stupid. A guy she talks to in public isn't someone you're gonna worry about." Carlos: "So it's someone that she doesn't talk to. What do I have to do? Beat up every guy in town?" Mama Solis: "Marriage takes work!" (They walk away, passing by John, who looks after them.) (Lynette, Bree, and Susan stand talking to each other. Gabrielle joins them soon after.) Lynette: "I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him." Bree: "Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?" Susan: "No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth." Bree: "It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible." Gabrielle: "Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way." (Bree sighs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center] (Inside, Paul and a doctor stare through the window on the door of Zach's room. He sits on his bed, his head bowed as he eats from a tray of food.) Dr. Sicher: "Severe depression. Borderline personality disorder. Zach is a deeply troubled young man." Paul: "I'm aware of that. What are you giving him?" Dr. Sicher: "Some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer." Paul: "Good." Dr. Sicher: "I'm also recommending extensive psychotherapy, to help him with everything he repressed..." Paul: "I don't think so." Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I can't just medicate him indefinitely." Paul: "Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs. No new treatments without my permission." (He walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[School Gym] (Lynette is seated with a group of women gathered near a stage.) Ms. Truesdale: "I think this is going to be a great version of Little Red Riding Hood, and it is your involvement that make the plays here at Barcliffe Academy so special. Thank you." (clapping) "And now, I would like to turn over the next part of our meeting to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons." Maisy: "Thank you, Ms. Truesdale. Now, before everyone leaves, we have new copies of the script up here. Tilda and Francis and I went to the rehearsal yesterday, and we were a little troubled by the ending. Killing the wolf. It says the wrong message to our kids. And we believe that animals should only be euthanized as a last resort." (Lynette laughs.) Maisy: "Do you find something amusing?" Lynette: "I'm sorry, I thought you were kidding." Maisy: "No."
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Lynette: "Oh, okay." Maisy: "So in our version, the wolf is aggressive because he has a thorn in his paw. And the woodsman will take out the thorn, and send Mr. Wolf on his way." Lynette: "I'm sorry, aren't we doing Little Red Riding Hood?" Maisy: "Yes." Lynette: "So then you are aware that the wolf is a bad guy. He eats Little Red's grandma. If you let him go, he's just going to chow down on another defenseless old lady." Maisy: "I'm sorry, and you are?" Lynette: "I'm Lynette Scavo. My twins just joined. They're playing oak trees." Maisy: "Oh, of course. Lynette. Let's see, you are ... signed up to take tickets the night of the show, is that right?" Lynette: "Yeah." Maisy: "Well, with all due respect, let's leave the creative suggestions to the mothers who have assumed the heavy lifting, shall we?" Lynette: "Sure. Whatever." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Gabrielle and Mama Solis sit at Bree's kitchen table, drinking coffee Bree pours for them.) Bree: "I must say, I'm jealous of how much time you two spend together. My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day." Gabrielle: "She sounds nice." (Danielle walks into the house with John.) Danielle: "Hey!" Bree: "Oh, hey there, you two!" Gabrielle: "Hi, John." John: "Mrs. Solis." Gabrielle: "I wasn't aware you two were friends." John: "Yeah, we go to the same school." Gabrielle: "Of course you do." Danielle: "Mom, if you need anything, we'll be upstairs in my room studying." Bree: "Have fun." (Danielle and John leave.) Gabrielle: "Doesn't it make you nervous, a boy alone upstairs with Danielle?" Bree: "Oh no, I don't worry about John. Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club." (Gabrielle chokes and spews out coffee.) Gabrielle: "The coffee is a little hot." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (Susan opens up her mailbox and takes out her mail. When she turns around, she sees Paul getting into his car across the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasive answers." (Susan stares at Paul across the street.) Paul: "Hey!" (He waves at her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach, and hiding the truth. She hoped
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that finding one would lead to the other. To succeed, Susan would have to be evasive herself." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Greenberg's House] (Susan rings the doorbell of Mrs. Greenberg's house, holding a package of eggs.) Mrs. Greenberg: "Susan. Long time, no see." Susan: "Mrs. Greenberg. Do you remember those two eggs I let you borrow last Christmas?" (She opens up her carton eggs and motions to the two empty spaces in the container.) Susan: "I need those back." Mrs. Greenberg: "Well gosh, honey, I'm fresh out, but if you want, I could run to the store." Susan: "Oh, forget about it, it's not that important, but since I'm here, do you still have that old hatchback sitting in your garage? Can I borrow it tomorrow?" Mrs. Greenberg: "You want to borrow my car?" Susan: "Just for a couple of hours." Mrs. Greenberg: "Well, I'm not sure. Do you know how to drive a stick?" Susan: "Yes, I think so. I learned in college. It's like riding a bike, right?" Mrs. Greenberg: "I'm not sure, dear." Susan: "It's not big deal. It's just for a couple of hours. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Goldfine's Office] Dr. Goldfine: "First off, I'm very pleased with the work we've done in our sessions thus far. We're making excellent progress." Bree: "Thank you, I feel really good about it." Dr. Goldfine: "But there are a few areas of your marriage we haven't covered yet." Bree: "Oh, really. Like what?" Rex: "Um, I've told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions that I'm not happy with our sex life." Dr. Goldfine: "And Rex feels when you two have intercourse, you're not as connected as you could be." Bree: "Connected?" Rex: "Well yeah, it's like you're thinking about other things. Is your hair getting messed up? Did you remember to buy the toothpaste? You're just not there." Dr. Goldfine: "This kind of disconnect is often a symptom of a deeper problem." Rex: "So, we were talking, and the idea of a sexual surrogate came up." Dr. Goldfine: "This is a licensed professional who'd work with you as a couple on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having. I have an excellent referral." Bree: "And what would this sexual surrogate person do?" Rex: "Well, she would coach us." Bree: "She!" Dr. Goldfine: "She's very discrete. You'll hardly notice she's there." Bree: "Oh. So she would be in the room with us, while we make love?" Rex: "Yes, helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential." Dr. Goldfine: "Do you have any questions?" Bree: "Just one. How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last, because it is really starting to tick me off!" (She gets up and walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (The four women are seated around the dining room table, cards in front of them. Mama Solis is sitting off to
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the side, knitting.) Lynette: "All right. I think everyone is down for a nap. We've got no more than an hour. Let's get cracking. Five car draw, nothing wild." Bree: "So how is it going with Mike, Susan?" Susan: "It's going, finally. We have our first official date next week. I think he's taking me to see a play or something." Lynette: "Might I suggest the Barcliffe Academy production of Little Red Riding Hood?" Susan: "Oh, that's right, the twins-stage debut!" Gabrielle: "Are they having fun?" Lynette: "Sure, they get to play oak trees. I'm the one who has to deal with all the drama behind the scenes." Bree: "Oh, I take it you've met Maisy Gibbons." Lynette: "She's a total nightmare. I guess I shouldn't have challenged her." Bree: "Oh, dear." Lynette: "Because now no one on the play committee even wants to talk to me." Bree: "Oh, Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom." Susan: "It hasn't really changed since Girl Scouts. Girls smile at you to your face, and then behind your back, they make fun of you because you're the only one not shaving your legs yet." (Gabrielle gets up and goes to the living room where chips and dip are on a platter. She takes some as the women talk.) Lynette: "That would have never happened in Boy Scouts. When I worked, mostly with men, I preferred the way they fought. A guy takes his opponent on, face to face, and once he's won, he's top dog. It's primitive, but it's fair." Susan: "And a lot less sneaky." Gabrielle: "Isn't it sexist of us to generalize like this?" (Gabrielle goes to the window and peeks outside, seeing John working outside across the street.) Lynette: "It's science, Gabrielle.Sociologists have documented this stuff." Gabrielle: "Well, who am I to argue with sociologists? (pauses) Wow this, uh, this guacamole has got a kick. I'm going to run to the little girls' room. You guys go ahead, I might be a while." Lynette: "I hate playing three handed poker. Let's take a break." Mama Solis: "I'll play!" Bree: "You play poker?" Mama Solis: "I used to play a little with my grandfather." Susan: "Pull up a chair." Mama Solis: "Oh, I notice you were just playing for chips, huh. My grandfather used to say, it's always more fun to play for money." Lynette: "Why not? Fifty cents a bet?" Mama Solis: "Make it a buck." She pulls a wad of cash out of her brassiere. "Three raise limit. Twenty dollar buy in." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bathroom] (Gabrielle closes the door to the bathroom and checks her appearance in the mirror. Then she opens the window and peers down. Climbing over the windowsill, she falls outside, landing with a shriek. She looks over the fence to where John is mowing the lawn. She climbs over the fence by stepping on stacked wood, knocking them over. Once over the top of the fence, she falls. John rushes over.) John: "Mrs. Solis! What are you doing?"
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Gabrielle: "Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls?" John: "I've been busy." Gabrielle: "Yeah, I've seen who you've been busy with." John: "Danielle? Come on, I mean, she's just a friend." Gabrielle: "Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can't even pronounce." John: "Well, a lot of good it does me with your mother-in-law following you around all the time. Look, maybe we should just cool it for awhile." Gabrielle: "Oh, no, John, please don't say that. I have everything under control." (They kiss.) Gabrielle: "Now give me a boost." (He helps her climb back over the fence.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Gabrielle walks back into the dining room.) Gabrielle: "Hey! So what did I miss?" Mama Solis: "Not much, just a few friendly hands of poker with the girls." (There is a huge stack of money in front of Mama Solis as she pulls it all towards her. The other women look stunned.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Play Rehearsal] Maisy: I'm sorry I'm late.As I'm sure you have all heard, Celia Bond broke her wrist playing tennis, which means we are now in desperate need of someone to do the costumes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed here. Are there any volunteers?" Lynette (standing up): "I'll do it." Maisy: "Really, that's a ... do you know how to sew?" Lynette (sits down): "Absolutely." Maisy: "Well, great, uh, thank you, Lynette!" (clapping) Lynette (stands up again): "Okay. So, now that I'm going to do some, heavy lifting, I believe I have a right to talk about the changes made to the script?" (She pauses. Nobody says anything, so she rushes forward to stand next to Maisy and address the group.) Lynette: "Um, ladies. We all grew up with Little Red Riding Hood, and we survived it, scary stuff and all, so I say, to hell with political correctness, let our kids experience this classic like it was meant to be enjoyed. Let's kill the damn wolf, and just put on the best show we can." (clapping) Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech, but I believe that ship has sailed." Jordana: "No, it hasn't. We still have time to change the ending back." Ms. Truesdale: "And you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale - I don't think it will upset the children." Maisy: "Well, I think you are wrong." Lynette: "Well, that's what's so great about being in a democracy. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Also, everyone has a right to vote. So all in favor of the woodsman going medieval on the big bad wolf's ass..." (She raises her hand. And slowly, the others follow, except for Maisy, who glares at Lynette.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside of Paul's House] (Sitting in her borrowed car, hidden mostly from view, Susan puts on a pair of sunglasses and watches Paul get into his SUV and drive away. Then she follows him - after a lurching start.) Susan: "Oh!"
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(He pulls into a parking lot and gets out. Susan slows down and looks at the sign stating "Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center.") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Bree is sitting alone at her table when she notices Dr. Goldfine sit down at another table, also alone, with a book.) (Bree takes a sip of wine, then gets up and goes to his table.) Bree: "Dr. Goldfine." Dr. Goldfine: "Bree." Bree: "You're dining alone?" Dr. Goldfine: "Actually, I am." Bree: "Well, what a coincidence. So am I. It seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves. Shall I, pull up a chair?" Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, it's nothing personal, but I never socialize with clients." Bree: "Oh," (she pauses. )"Oh, I get it. I'm so sorry, of course, it's, it's inappropriate. It's just that after what happened yesterday, there's so much I need to say because..." (she pauses.) "I suppose it can wait." (She walks back over to her table and sits down, taking a sip from her glass of wine. Then they take turns looking at each other. And finally he waves her to come back over and sit across from him. Bree breathes a sigh of relief and gets up to join him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is on the phone.) Gabrielle: "No, Lynette, I'm sorry, Juanita's taking a bath. Well, how much did she win from you? Jeez," (She laughs.) "Yeah, I guess she'll take a check. Okay. All right. Bye." Carlos: "What was that about?" Gabrielle: "It turns out your mother is quite the card shark." Carlos: "You let her play cards? How long did she play?" Gabrielle: "Not that long, why?"(Carlos walks away from her.) "Carlos, what is it?" Carlos: "I never told you this, but my mother had a serious gambling problem." Gabrielle: "Was this before we were married?" Carlos: "Yeah. It was bad. She went into debt. She dipped into her savings, started hocking jewelry..." Gabrielle: "Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game." Carlos: "But it doesn't take much for her to fall off the wagon. I know she seems like a very strong woman, but..." Gabrielle: "She has a major weakness. Honey, oh,"( she embraces him.) "It's okay. You were right to tell me this." (She smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] Dr. Goldfine. "And you understand I have to treat this as a session." Bree: "Of course, that's fine. Shall I include the meal?" Dr. Goldfine: "Oh no. We'll split that." (Bree writes a check for $180.00 payable to Dr. Albert Goldfine and hands it over.) Dr. Goldfine: "So, let's talk about yesterday. You think there might have been some truth in what Rex said?"
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Bree: "No, I don't." Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, you know, it's not uncommon for people experiencing sexual repression to distance themselves from the act." Bree: "Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex." Dr. Goldfine: "All right." Bree: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan." Waiter: "Can I get you something?" Dr. Goldfine: "Uh, just the check, please." Waiter: "Sir, you haven't ordered yet." Dr. Goldfine: "Oh." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Car] (Gabrielle and Mama Solis drive up to "The Torch Lake Casino.") Mama Solis: "We're not shopping?" Gabrielle: "Oh, I thought we would stop here for lunch first. This place has the best buffet in town. All you can eat crab legs. Oh no!" Mama Solis: "What's wrong? Let's go!" (Mama is already out of the car.) Gabrielle: "I didn't realize how late it was. They're only holding the suede mini for me until two. If we stay, I'll never make it. We'll just have lunch at the mall." Mama Solis: "Wait, uh, I'l really in the mood for crab legs. Why don't you just drop me off, and you can come back." Gabrielle: "Well, if the mall is crowded, it might take over an hour." Mama Solis: "It's a buffet. There's no rush!" (Mama Solis rushes inside. Gabrielle picks up her cell phone and calls somebody as she drives away.) Gabrielle: "Hi John. Motel. Ten minutes. Be there." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Play Rehearsal] Lynette (to a child in a costume): "All right. Off you go. Thanks." Maisy: "Ooh, Lynette. I couldn't help but notice, you forgot the coonskin on that hunter's coonskin cap." Lynette: "Oh, yeah, huh, it was a creative call. Look, I'm in the middle of a costume crisis, and if I don't take a few shortcuts, I'll never finish." Maisy: "Well, Jordana Guist manages to get her work done. She runs the concessions, paints the sets, and still has time to take care of her three kids and a husband. Now, we can't have the students suffer just because you don't understand the concept of time management." Lynettte: "I hardly think the kids are going to suffer without a clump of fur on their heads." Maisy: "Okay, I'll make a creative call. We'll cut the oak trees. That forest is looking a little dense, anyway." Lynette: "My boys are the oak trees." Maisy: "Are they? Well, I wouldn't worry. We'll find something for them to do back stage. That's where the real action is." Lynette: "I'll finish the costumes." Maisy: "Well, crisis averted."
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Julie: "You have lost your mind." Susan: "I checked upon this Silvercrest place. It's a treatment center for troubled kids. Who's gonna notice one more? I create the distraction. You blend in and find Zach." Julie: "How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?" Susan: "I don't know, Julie. You pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little. Come on, work with me here!" Julie: "Mom, when this is over, we need to talk about your parenting skills." Susan: "Okay, fine, if you don't want to help me, I'm not going to force you." Julie: "It's not that I don't want to, it's just, why does this mean so much to you?" Susan: "Because Mary Alice was a wonderful person, and now all anybody thinks about her is that she went off the deep end and did this terrible selfish thing, and I think there is more to it than that. She was my friend, Julie, and I owe it to her to find out the truth." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside of the Casino] (Mama Solis is sitting on a park bench, as stoic as the large wooden Indian statue next to her as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.) Gabrielle: "Juanita, what's wrong?" (Mama Solis doesn't say anything. Gabrielle puts the car in park and goes over to sit by her mother-in-law.) Gabrielle: "Juanita!" Mama Solis: "I didn't go to the buffet. I went gambling instead, and I lost." Gabrielle: "Well, how much did you have on you? It couldn't have been much." Mama Solis: "I used Carlos' credit card." Gabrielle: "Okay, well, how much did you charge?" Mama Solis: "I don't know, it stopped working." Gabrielle: "What do you mean, it stopped working. That thing has, like, a $15,000 credit limit." (They both look at each other with shocked expressions.) Gabrielle: "Oh." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (Rex takes a bite of food, standing up, when there's a knock on the door. Rex, with food in hand, walks over to open it. Outside the door is Bree, covered in a full-length fur coat.) Bree: "The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms. Mind if I bunk with you?" Rex: "Bree, what are you doing here?" Bree: "It's a little chilly out here, do you mind if we discuss this inside?" Rex: "C'mon in." (Rex moves aside and Bree walks in.) Bree: "It sure is nice and toasty in here." (She unwraps the fur, revealing that she is only wearing a lacy red bra and panties.) Rex: "You look amazing." Bree: "Thanks. I was hoping you'd notice." (She walks around.) "Well, it certainly isn't the Ritz, but it has all the essentials." (She gets on the bed and Rex tosses the burrito on the nightstand and joins her on the bed.) Rex: "I don't know what to say." Bree: "Then perhaps you shouldn't say anything." (They begin kissing passionately, with Rex on top. He yanks his shirt off, down to his white undershirt and
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kisses her down his body.) (Bree looks over and sees the burrito about to spill from the dresser to the floor.) Bree: "Oh, Rex, oh baby, stop, I just need a minute." Rex: "Oh, sweetie. Just leave it. Just leave it!" (Bree tries to take his advice, but her eyes keep going back to the burrito, about to fall. Suddenly, she reaches over and saves the burrito from the spill. She turns to him, and runs her hand over him.) Bree: "Okay, baby, where were we?" Rex (gets up angrily): "I told you to leave it." Bree: "Sorry. I just - ah, come on, are you going to make a big deal about this?" Rex: "You know, to tell you the truth..." (He walks over and opens up the door.) Rex: "...now is not really a good time for me." Bree (angrily): "Well, it's obvious you've never had to remove a cheese stain. Hmph!" (She leaves.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Play Rehearsal] (Lynette and Jordana are the only ones left in the gym. Lynette is on the phone as she sews costumes.) Lynette: "Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan. And Gabby can't sew to save her life but seriously, I'm going to be fine. But thanks anyway. Bye!" Jordana: "Well, I'm a little ahead with my painting. Do you need some help?" Lynette: "Oh Jordana, you are really a lifesaver, thank you. Here, these pieces need trim." Jordana: "I'll help for as long as I can, but I have a lot on my plate tonight. I have to make twenty-five mini quiches for my book club." Lynette: "You're not human, are you? You were sent by aliens to make the human race feel inadequate." (They laugh.) Lynette: "Seriously, how, how do you cram it all in?" Jordana: "Can you keep a secret?" Lynette: "Um, sure." (Jordana gets a bottle of pills from her purse.) Lynette: "That's ADD medication. My kids take this, or they almost did. I thought it was supposed to calm you down." Jordana: "Um, it has the opposite effect if you don't have attention deficit disorder. Ever chug a pot of turkish coffee?" Lynette: "Seriously, you're taking your kids medication?" Jordana: "Once in a while. Do you want a couple?" Lynette: "Oh, that's very kind of you, but I just smoked some crack a little while ago, so I better not mix." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Gabrielle: "This is what we'll do. I'll sell some old jewelry, pay off the credit card, and Carlos will never find out!" Mama Solis: "You would do that for me?" Gabrielle: "Of course I would, why wouldn't I?" Mama Solis: "Well, for starters, you hate me." Gabrielle: "Oh, that is overstating it ... a little. The bottom line is, no matter how much I dislike you, I love Carlos more. If Carlos finds out about the money, he'll be devastated. I don't want to see him hurt. You don't have to believe I'm a good person, but at least believe I care about my husband."
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(Mama Solis just stares at her.) Gabrielle: "Fine, to heck with it. I'm not gonna risk my neck to protect you. I'm calling Carlos." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Juanita might have been the gambler of the family." Mama Solis: "Wait, I believe you." Mary Alice Voiceover:"But Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center] (Susan and Julie start to walk into the Center. A nurse, sitting at a desk with her back to them, is working. Susan motions for Julie to stay back, and then walks up to the nurse.) Susan: "Hi, I'm Susan Mayer. I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicher." Nurse: "Yes, yes, he's expecting you, let me get him for you." (Once the nurse walks away, Susan motions to Julie and Julie walks quickly in. Susan mimes that Julie should stick a finger down her throat and Julie grins as she rushes off. The doctor walks in.) Dr. Sicher: "Hi, I'm Dr. Sicher. So you're here doing research for a children's book." Susan: "I sure am." (Julie finds Zach lying on a bed in his room and she opens the door.) Julie: "Zach?" Zach: "Oh hi, Julie." Julie: "What's wrong with you?" Zach: "It's just all these pills they make me take. They kind of make me sleepy. What are you doing here?" Julie: "I came to see how you were, and to ask you something. Look, I don't have much time." Zach: "What is it?" Julie: "Last week you told Mrs. Van de Kamp that your mom killed herself because of something you did, something bad. What were you talking about?" Zach: "After my mom died, I started remembering things that happened when I was little. What happened to Dana." Julie: "Dana, who's Dana?" (A nurse walks into the room.) Nurse: "What are you doing here?" Julie: "I was just - visiting my friend." Nurse: "This patient is not allowed visitors." Julie: "I guess I have to go. I am so sorry, Zach." (She puts her hand on his for a moment, then gets up to leave.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is sitting at the kitchen table, quietly repairing a mug, when Rex walks in.) Rex: "Hi. I don't want to disturb you, I just left some important papers here. What are you doing?" Bree: "I'm repairing a chipped mug." Rex: "Why don't you just buy a new one?" Bree: "Because I think it is better to fix what you already have." Rex: "Listen, um, about what happened today..." Bree: "You humiliated me, Rex. For no good reason." Rex: "I'm sorry." Bree: "I was there. I was willing. Normal men don't say no to that." Rex: "You, you upset me." Bree: "See, but I don't think that's the reason. After I left the motel, I um, did some thinking about us and our
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sex life, and I realized there has been a disconnect, but it's coming from you. Rex: "That's ridiculous." Bree: "How many years have we been making love, and you've started to ask me something, but then you stop?" Rex: "I, I don't know what you're talking about." Bree: "You are unhappy with our sex life because you're not getting something from me, but you're simply too afraid to ask." Rex: "My problem with our sex life is that you can't stop thinking about the house work." Bree: "Well, then, if that is the case, then take me, right here, right now. The house is spotless. There aren't any burritos lying around to pull my focus..." Rex: "I'm not in the mood." Bree: "Why not? We haven't had sex for months, Rex. Most normal, red-blooded men would be climbing the walls by now." Rex: "Please, don't do this." Bree: "Rex, whatever you want, I'll go there with you. I will go there with you, you just have to say it out loud. Tell me, what do you want? What do you need?" Rex: "I need for you to stop talking like this." Bree: "Why?" Rex: "Because you sound like a whore." Bree: "No, I don't. I sound like a woman whose husband won't touch her. Rex, after Mary Alice killed herself, it all hit me. We all have our secrets, and I think it's time for you to tell me yours." (Rex stares at her for a long moment before shaking his head.) Rex: "I'm going." (He leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nighttime-Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"That night, while most of Wisteria Lane dreamt the night away, Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare. Determined her boys would not miss their fairy tale debut, Lynette stayed up 18 hours staright, sewing. But she began to fear her story would not have a happy ending." (She begins to cry.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy." (Lynette goes up to the bathroom and opens the cabinet above the sink. She takes down her children's ADD medication, and takes two pills.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And once she had taken it...the magic kept working...." (Lynette uses the sewing machine to sew.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and working..." (Lynette uses the glue gun to put the costumes together.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and working." (The next morning, Lynette has completely cleaned the house until it looks spotless and is currently using a Q-tip to clean parts of the kitchen cabinets.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It wasn't until noon that lynette finally took a break. And the reality of what she had done began to sink in." (Lynette walks briskly to the bathroom where she stares at herself in the mirror. She brushes some hair away from her face and says softly,) "My, what big eyes you have." (She brushes at some stains on her shirt, shrugs, then turns away.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos gives Mama Solis, who's sitting on the couch, a drink. Gabrielle calls out to her.) Gabrielle: "Mama Juanita, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" Mama Solis: "I'm fine, thank you." Carlos: "So what's been going on with her? Have you found anything out yet?" Mama Solis: "Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her, the more I think she's probably not stepping out on you." Carlos: "Really?" Mama Solis: "Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows, but she loves you. I can tell." (Carlos kisses her cheek.) Carlos: "Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that. You know, it's funny. I really think she loves you, too." Mama Solis: "Oh?" Carlos: "I got concerned when I heard you played poker with her friends. So I told her about your little problem." Mama Solis: "You told her about my gambling problem?" Carlos: "Don't be mad, mama. I just didn't want you slipping into old habits. And Gabrielle was very concerned about you." Mama Solis: "She knew." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan looks through one of Julie's yearbooks.) Susan: "I don't get it. I've gone through all your yearbooks and you and Zach never went to school with anybody named Dana." Julie: "He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with." Susan: "Did it sound like a relative?" Julie: "He said Dana. It sounded like Dana. Unless he was using a code, that's all I've got." (Susan gets up from the table and joins Julie at the sink. As they talk, she looks out the window, watching as Paul, across the street, mows his lawn.) Susan: "Okay, gimme a break here. I'm just grasping at straws." Julie: "I'm sorry. It's...I'm worried about Zach. It's really creepy in there. Can't we get him out?" Susan: "Honey, it's up to his father." Julie: "Then I at least want to visit again." (Paul stops mowing and looks straight at them.) Susan: "I don't think that's a good idea either." Julie: "Why?" Susan: "I just have a feeling." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Mama Solis is sitting on the porch, knitting. She watches Gabrielle drive up.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Juanita was now more convinced than ever that her treacherous daughter-in-law was having an affair. But the question remained, with whom?" (Gabrielle gets out of her car, checks the mail, then continues up the walk, past John, who's working on the yard, without saying anything to him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And suddenly, Juanita remembered it wasn't the men Gabrielle talked to that she had to worry about." (Gabrielle goes into the house and Mama Solis smiles.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Play Rehearsal] Lynette: "Jordana, Maisy, here are the costumes, right on time." Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette. This is a bit awkward. There has been an oversight with the programs. Celia Bond is still credited with costumes. They forgot to tell the printer." Lynette: "Uh-huh. Ah, incidentally, who is 'they', as in 'they forgot to tell the printer'?" Maisy: "That would be me. I'm sorry, but I was just so overworked this week, what with all the script changes that you demanded." Lynette: "Well, these things happen. Oh, I'll be right back." (She hands a plastic sword and a coonskin cap to Maisy.) (Maisy hands the coonskin cap to Jordana.) Maisy: "Would you do something with this, it looks like roadkill." Lynette: "Okay, lady, that's it!" Maisy: "I beg your pardon?" Lynette: "Maisy, we have kids the same age, which means there are years ahead of us, having to deal with each other. So instead of playing all these petty games, why don't we put an end to this right now." Maisy: "What are you saying?" Lynette: "Let's take it outside." Maisy: "Let's take what outside?" Lynette: "Your sorry ass. We're throwing down." Maisy: "You are crazy!" Lynette: "Just being practical. Isn't it better to settle this once and for all, rather than endure all this alpha mom crap until our kids graduate? Hmmm? Come on! I'll even let you take the first shot." (There's a long pause.) Maisy: "I don't have time for this." (She walks away. Lynette calls after her.) Lynette: "Yeah, I didn't think so. And just so you know, next spring when we do Bambi, his mother is going to take a slug to the heart, and you're going to like it!" (Lynette takes a deep breath and looks over at Jordana, who smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nighttime] (The camera pans to Susan's house). Mary Alice Voiceover:"The search for power begins when we're quite young. As children, we're taught that the power of good triumphs over the power of evil." (Mary Alice's glass award that Susan bought from Paul sits next to a lamp. The yellow/green blanket with the name Dana embroidered in it is slung over the back of a chair.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple. Traces of evil always remain..." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1X07 - Anything You Can Do

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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives. Detective: Exactly what do you hire me to do? Paul: Someone sent that note to my wife, and I need to know who. Mary Alice Voiceover: Some secrets were discovered... Zach: After my mom died, I started remembering what happened to Dana. Julie: Who's Dana? Nurse: What are you doing here? Mary Alice Voiceover: Some secrets were uncovered... Carlos: It could be any one of these guys she's having an affair with. Mama Solis: Don't worry about it. I'm not letting her out of my sight. Mary Alice Voiceover: And some secrets... Maisy: Jordana Geist manages to get her work done. Lynette: How do you cram it all in? Mary Alice Voiceover:...were shared. Jordana: That's A.D.D. medication. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(An middle-aged man is jogging in Wisteria Lane. As he runs, a younger, more fit man runs past him easily.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed... ...or how lovingly she watered... ...or how generously she fertilized... ...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence." (Mrs. Huber throws down some fertilizer she had been holding, and notices the middle-aged man jog up to her place. He stops in front of Mrs. Huber.) Mrs. Huber: "Hello, Victor, how are you today? Out jogging again?" Victor: "I can't catch my breath." Mrs. Huber: "Would you like a slurp from my hose?" (He nods, then collapses to his knees falling on the ground.) Mrs. Huber: "Victor? Victor? Don't worry, I'm going to get an ambulance!" (She starts to go inside, then stops, looking over next door to Bree's house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Then one day, Mrs. Huber finally got the chance to mow down the competition." (Mrs. Huber transports Victor by red wheelbarrow to Bree'slawn, and dumps him in the flower bed.) Mrs. Huber: "Help! Somebody help!" Bree (gasps). "What happened?" Mrs. Huber: "He collapsed on your hydrangeas! Call 911!" (Bree runs inside.) (Later, Victor is put on a stretcher and EMS workers whisk him away in an ambulance. Bree looks down at her destroyed lawn in dismay.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes. Mrs. Huber understood the first rule of competition. In order to win, you have to want it more..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House]
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(There is a copy of Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert on a wooden table, next to a tray with crackers and garnish.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"When I was alive, my friends and I came together once a month for a meeting of the Wisteria Lane Book Club. We found the problems of literary characters so absorbing...the way they dealt with adversity..." (Lynette pops some pills.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...conducted illicit affairs..." (Gabrielle walks by John.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...endured domestic dramas..." (Rex walks out of the house with Bree looking frustrated behind him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and planned romantic conquests." (Susan circles a date in her calendar that reads "Date with Mike!") Mary Alice Voiceover:"But since my death, my friends had lost their interest in fiction. Their own problems had become absorbing enough." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Woman: "So, what did everybody think?" Lynette: "I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational." (She pushes her baby carriage around the room. Susan nods her agreement as she turns a page in her copy of the book.) Woman: "Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic." Lynette: "Really?" Woman: "You didn't read until the end?" Lynette: "I stopped after page 50." Woman: "Am I the only one who read the book?" Susan: "I saw the movie. It was really good." Woman: "Ladies! I'm sorry, but wh-wh-what is the point of having a book club if we don't read the book?" Bree: "More wine? So, uh, Reba, Emma and Lori... Why don't you girls come to the kitchen and help me with the snacks?" Woman: "Sure." Bree: "I will be right in." (The three women walk into the kitchen and Bree closes the double doors on the three ladies, trapping them in the kitchen.) Bree: "God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack." Susan: "He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him." Lynette: "Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?" Susan: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it." Gabrielle: "Who the hell's Dana?" Lynette: "That's the mystery part." Susan: "I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide." Lynette: "So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret..." Bree: "...and sent the note." Gabrielle: "So who the hell is that?" (Susan shrugs.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------(The detective lays a copy of the purple stationary next to Mary Alice's note in front of Paul.) Detective: "The stationary is particle #17, 100% cotton. It is made by Cyprus Office Products. In stores in twelve cities, including yours. We traced that postmark back to your local post office." Paul: "Meaning?" Detective: "Meaning that the blackmailer is probably someone you know. A neighbor, milkman, pool boy, soccer mom..." Paul: "Soccer mom?" Detective: "Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a mini van. I had this gig once, tracking down this PTA mom, was hell-bent on landing her daughter a spot on the parade float. Fed anti-freeze to half the homecoming committee." Paul: "Did you catch her?" Detective: "Mr. Young, the people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette puts away a book as Tom comes down the stairs. Lynette scurries around the kitchen, cleaning.) Tom: "Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!" Lynette: 'Thanks." Tom: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign." Lynette: "Great! You wanna run it by me?" Tom: "No. I'm good. But, thanks." Lynette: "Okay." (She smiles and turns away.) Tom: "Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?" Lynette: "Yeah?" Tom: "I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could..." Lynette: "And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?" Tom: "Uh ... day after tomorrow!" Lynette: "Tom'' Tom: "Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice." Lynette: "You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?" Tom: "I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time..." (Lynette stops what she's doing to stare at him.) Lynette: "What did you say?" Tom: "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it." Lynette: "No, no. Let's, let's do it. Tom: "Really?" Lynette: "Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off." (Tom comes over and kisses her.) Tom: "Yes. Honey, thank you. So much. You know, what, I promise. I land you this account, and I'm gonna buy you something awful pretty." (He goes back upstairs.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Luckily for Tom, Lynette had a recipe for success..." (She opens the drawer with the pills, but upon taking it out, realizes that it's empty.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"...unfortunately for her, she was missing the secret ingredient." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's House] (Mama Solis is sitting on the front porch, reading. John turns off the lawn mower and goes to his truck to get something. His phone rings, so he answers it.) John: "Yeah?" (It's Gabrielle. She comes out on her balcony as she talks, looking down at him.) Gabrielle: "It's me. Don't turn around, my mother-in-law can see you." John: "I hate that she's always watching us." Gabrielle: "So meet me at the motel in an hour? John?" John: "Uh, I've got plans." Gabrielle: "So cancel." John: "They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies." Gabrielle: "That sounds like a date." John: "Yeah." Gabrielle: "Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls." (John turns around to stare up at her as he talks.) John: "Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal." (He hangs up on her and stalks off, with Mama Solis watching him thoughtfully. Gabrielle, furious, storms into her bedroom, where she tosses the phone on her bed before going into the bathroom.) John's phone rings and he looks at the caller ID, which reads "Mrs. Solis." (He answers the phone.) John: "Don't even try to make it up to me by talking dirty". (The phone goes dead.) John: "Hello?" (Upstairs, in Gabrielle's bedroom, Mama Solis closes Gabrielle's cell phone, a look of smiling comprehension on her face. She puts the phone carefully back down on the bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Principal's Office] (In the principal's office of Andrew's school, Rex and Bree are seated. Bree is reading from Madame Bovary while Rex sits quietly. The principal walks in.) Principal Stark: "Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp. So, your son decided to entertain some of his friends yesterday by shoving a freshman's head into a locker." Bree: "This was the Johnson boy?" Principal Stark: "Yes. He broke the boy's nose. Because of our no tolerance policy, your son may face expulsion." Rex: "You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing? " Bree: "Rex, this was practically assault." Rex: "Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems." Bree: "Is that relevant?" Rex: "Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry." Bree: "If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!" Rex: "All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here." Bree: "And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems..." (Bree turns to Principal Stark,)"...which
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are not so serious..."( she turns back to Rex,) "...does not help him." Rex: "Our problems are serious!" Bree: "Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit." Rex: "Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today." Bree: "You went to an attorney?" Rex: "Yeah! And a good one too!" Bree: "Well, he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!" Rex: "Bring it on!" Principal Stark: "Perhaps detention is the way to go." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Bedroom] (Susan gets dressed for her date with Mike.) Julie: "Mom, you're getting too dressed up." Susan: "I know, but I wanna look really sexy." Julie: "I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven." Susan: "Hmm. How about midnight?" Julie: "All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?" Susan: "Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation." Julie: "We are because I enjoy being an only child." Susan: "Are you finished?" Julie: "Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again." Susan: "Okay, you can leave now." (She pushes Julie out of her bedroom, smiling, as she closes the door behind her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Mike finishes getting dressed in a suit, and looks at himself in a mirror. He turns to Bongo, who's lying on the floor watching him.) Mike: "What do you think? Trying too hard? Well, what do you know, it's 80 degrees outside and you're wearing fur." (He hears a knock on his front door, so he grabs his keys and opens the door. Standing there is a beautiful woman.) Kendra: "Hey, Mike." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Susan crosses the street in her dress to Mike's house. She sees Edie outside of Paul Young's house, putting up a For Sale sign, and stops to talk.) Susan: "Hey, Edie!" Edie: "Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you." Susan: "Oh this?" (Susan laughs.) "Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI." (She walks up to Mike's house and knocks on the door. He opens it, looking uncomfortable. He steps out onto the porch with Susan, closing the door behind him.) Susan: "Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice." Mike: "Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an unexpected house guest." (The door opens from the inside, revealing Kendra.) Kendra: "Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra."
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Susan: "Susan." Kendra: "I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff." (Susan walks to the edge of the porch, looking at Kendra.) Mike: "I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend." Susan: "Old friend?" Mike: "Yeah, you know..." Susan: "Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?" Mike: "It's hard to explain." Susan: "Could you give it a shot?" (Kendra returns.) Kendra: "Mike, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower." (She goes inside.) Mike: "I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look ... amazing." Kendra (calling from inside): "Mike, where are the towels?" (He turns and leaves.) Susan: "Thanks." (Susan is walking back to her house, hiding her face with her purse as she passes by Edie.) Edie: "Hey, how was your big date?" Susan: "Mike had to reschedule." Edie: "Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Paul and Edie walk into the kitchen.) Paul: "Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do." Edie: "Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house. Paul: "I am?" Edie: "Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here." Paul: "Is there any way to get around it?" Edie: "Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow." (She leaves. Paul sees that she's left behind some of her stuff and calls out to her.) Paul: "Edie, wait." (He notices that sticking out the leather folder is a piece of light purple stationary. He pulls it out to stare at it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Paul had always known Edie Brit was capable of doing anything to close a deal." (Paul opens up the container he was keeping Mary Alice's note in. He compares the two pieces of paper. Mary Alice Voiceover:"But now he realized she was capable of so much more." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] (Gabrielle is jogging when she runs into Danielle, who was being dropped off by some friends. She stops to talk.) Gabrielle: "Hey, Danielle." Danielle: "Hey, Mrs. Solis." Gabrielle: "Oh, Danielle, remember when you said you wanted to be a model?" Danielle: "You remember that? That was, like, last summer!"
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Gabrielle: "Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?" Danielle: "Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?" Gabrielle: "I sure would." Danielle: "I would so love to go to New York." Gabrielle: "Oh, and I would so love to help you get there." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Park] (Jordana sits on a bench, watching her children play, when Lynette comes up to her.) Lynette: "Hey, Jordana!" Jordana: "Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?" Lynette: "Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people." Jordana: "Sounds fun." Lynette: "Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?" Jordana (calling to her kids): "Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week." Lynette: "Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often." Jordana: "Yeah, sisters are great." Lynette: "Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here." Jordana: "Yeah, the come-down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help." Lynette: "I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana." Jordana: "What's that supposed to mean?" Lynette: "It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!" (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree, Rex, Andrew, and Danielle sit at the dining room table. Danielle brushes her hair, Rex has a glass of soda in his hands, and Bree has a nearly empty wine glass in front of her.) Andrew: "What's this about?" Rex: "You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced." Bree: "But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much," Andrew: "I've got a question." Bree: "Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want." Andrew: "Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy." (Bree sits still for a minute, then she and Rex look at each other.) Bree: "Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father." Danielle: "I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom." Bree: "Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache." (She gets up and leaves the room. Rex looks at her.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Mike's maps are spread out over his kitchen table. Kendra leans over the table, looking at them.) Kendra: "Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?"
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Mike: "There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out." Kendra: "Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit." Mike: "Well, I changed my mind." Kendra: "This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father's money. Mike: "You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?" Kendra: "That's not funny. Mike, here's the thing." Mike: "What?" Kendra: "Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it's over. Let me have my father back." Mike: "If I quit he'll just hire somebody else." Kendra: "Not if you tell him there's nothing here to find." Mike: "Oh, I can't do that." Kendra: "What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's Garage] (Susan and Lynette are looking through Susan's garage. Susan takes a blanket from one of the boxes and tosses it to the side, pulling out something for Lynette.) Susan: "Oh, here it is." Lynette: "Great, this will keep the crab dip warm. It took forever to shell the little buggers, but it'll be worth it." Susan: "You shelled your own crabs? Okay, I don't want to butt in, but are you doing too much? Because you look exhausted." Lynette: "Oh, I'm fine. I just need some coffee." (Lynette kisses Susan.) "Thank you." (She starts to walk away. Susan notices the blanket she put aside before.) Susan: "Oh my god, look at this embroidery." Lynette: "'Dana.' Where did this come from?" Susan: "Paul Young's garage sale." Lynette: "Dana. Wow. Dana was a baby." (Lynette rubs her fingers over the blanket.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside of Bree's House] (Rex brings Andrew outside, with his hand over Andrew's eyes.) Rex: "Surprise!" Andrew: "No way!" Rex: "Yep." Andrew: "No way!" Rex: "Yeah, it's all yours! Here are the keys." (Bree comes outside.) Bree: "Rex, what's this about?" Rex: "I went and splurged a little. Oh, Danielle, here's your present." (He pulls a suitcase out of the back.) Danielle: "Luggage?" Rex: "Yeah. It's to take with you to the Pershing Modeling Academy. I'm footing the entire bill." Danielle: "You mean that I can really go to New York?" Bree: "Wait a minute. What's all this about a modeling academy?"
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Danielle: "It's my new career. Mrs. Solis is sponsoring me." Bree: "Oh, is she now! And when you were planning on telling me?" Rex: "She told me, and I think it's a great idea." Bree: "Don't you two see what he is doing? He's trying to get you on his side. He's trying to buy your love." Rex: "Oh for God's sake, don't be paranoid!" Bree: "A car? A modeling academy? You should have discussed these gifts with me first. I'm sorry kids, but we cannot accept them." Andrew: "Dad, you can't let her do this!" Rex: "Bree, we just told the kids we're getting divorced. Isn't it time to spoil them a little?" Bree: "I said no." Rex: "You know what, they're my kids too, and I can give them anything I want." (He takes the keys from Bree's hands and puts them in Andrew's hand.) Rex: "There you go!" Andrew: "Yes!" Danielle: "Thank you Daddy!" (The kids get in the car and drive away.) (Bree glares at Rex. He stands to face her, triumphant. She watches her kids drive away, passing by the Solis residence as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.) (Bree storms over to where Gabrielle is removing shopping bags from her car.) Bree: "Did you offer to help Danielle get into modeling school?" Gabrielle: "What? Uh, yes, no, um, is that how she heard it?" Bree: "Yes. Gabrielle, did you, or did you not offer to sponsor her?" Gabrielle: "I just wanted to help out." Bree: "It's in New York, for God's sakes, why on earth would you suggest that?" Gabrielle: "It's her dream, and don't you want her to be happy?" Bree: "No, and in the future I would appreciate you keeping your ridiculous ideas to yourself!" Gabrielle: "Bree..." (Bree leaves, furious.) (John, who heard the conversation, looks at Gabrielle with hostility, and then turns away.) Gabrielle: "John...John..." (Gabrielle runs after him.) John: "You're so jealous of Danielle, you try to ship her off to New York?" Gabrielle: "I'm not jealous. I just don't like to share." John: "Well, you know what, I quit. The yard. Us. Everything!" Gabrielle: "Oh, don't be that way." John: "Well, what's the point if we can never be together? You know, an hour here, an hour there." Gabrielle: "I don't want us to end on a bad note. Carlos has this black tie thing tonight. I could slip..." John: "Mrs. Solis..." Gabrielle: "John, please, what we had was so special. I think it deserves a proper goodbye." (She runs her hand down John's tank top.) John: "We'd still be over though..." Gabrielle: "Of course!" (Mama Solis, hiding around the corner, smiles, as she eats something.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Neighbor's House] (Lynette and the neighbor watch their kids scream and play in the backyard.)
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Lynette: "I knew this play date was a good idea." Woman: "Oh, yeah. Thank you for suggesting it. Your boys are the only ones I know who could tire out Timmy." Lynette: "Yep. He's a feisty one." (The woman laughs and agrees.) Lynette: "Hey, word on the street is that you've been medicating Timmy..." Woman: "Oh yeah, for his ADD. The pills have been a godsend." Lynette: "I bet...can I use your bathroom?"
(In the bathroom, she closes the door behind her, then quickly flushes the toilet, then turns on the water in the sink. She opens up the medicine cabinet and takes down the ADD pill container. She opens it and swallows one, then puts the container back.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Lynette swallowed the stolen medication of an eight-year-old child, she vowed she'd never again sink to such depths..." (Lynette takes the bottle again and pours a handful into her hand.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"... any time soon." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Sitting in a car, Paul and Mr. Shaw look at Mary Alice's note, comparing it with the stationary from Edie.) Mr. Shaw: "Well, looks like you've got your blackmailer. Is it time to bring in the police?" Paul: "That's not really an option for me. Before my wife shot herself, we lived a life that I was proud of. We loved each other. We had values. We went to church. We gave to charity. We were good people, Mr. Shaw." Mr. Shaw: "I believe you." Paul: "That's why it's so incomprehensible to me that Edie Brit would try to destroy us." Mr. Shaw: "Well, you've suffered a great loss. For your pain to heal, that's going to take some time." Paul: "I can't wait, I need help now." Mr. Shaw: "For five grand she's hurt. For ten grand she's gone." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside of Bree's House] (Andrew and Danielle drive up to Bree's house. Outside of the house are all of their possessions. Bree methodically adds more items to the piles on the lawn.) Danielle: "Mom, what's going on?" Bree: "Oh, I'm throwing you out. I've separated all your things into two sides. One side is yours, Danielle, and the other one is Andrews." Andrew: "Okay, you've lost it." Danielle: "Where are we supposed to live?" Bree: "Darned if I know. Uh, Danielle, everything in the north quadrant of your side is clothes and books and such, and the south side are miscellaneous items." Andrew: "Mom, this isn't going to work. Okay, I'm not giving up my car." Bree: "That's a smart idea, because you're probably going to have to sleep in it for a while." Danielle (while picking up her items): "Mom, you can't stop us from going back inside the house." Bree: "Oh, no? That's Mr. Conlan, the locksmith. He's been very helpful today. Of course, I could give you the new keys, which would mean you'd have to adhere to my rules, which would include giving back your father's gifts."
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Danielle: "Okay, fine, you win. I won't go to New York." (Bree drops a key into Danielle's hand and then looks expectantly at Andrew. He shakes his head.) Andrew: "I'm outta here." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Paul Young's House] (Mike and Kendra start up towards the open house that Edie is having for Paul Young's house.) Kendra: "An open house in the suburbs? This is beyond quiche." Mike: "Behave yourself. It's one of the houses on the street I've had a hard time getting into." Kendra: "God, I wish you would let this go." (They pass by Edie who overhears the first part of their conversation.) Mike: "I'm taking you out for drinks tonight. There's this cowboy bar called the Saddle Ranch, you need to see." Kendra: "Why?" Mike: "It's the last place anybody ever saw your sister." (Susan walks up to the house and runs into Edie.) Edie: "Susan! What brings you here?" Susan: "I just wanted to say goodbye to Mary Alice's house, before somebody else moved in." Edie: "Aw, that sounds almost plausible." Susan: "I beg your pardon?" Edie: "Oh, come on. We both know why you're here, and the answer is yes, they are having sex. No question." Susan: "You don't know what you are talking about. They're just friends." Edie: "Hmm, think so? I overheard them saying they're going to the Saddle Ranch tonight. For drinks. And dancing." Susan: "So friends can do that." Edie: "Oh my god, I just want to slap and shake you." (Edie walks away.) (Susan sees Kendra touch Mike's stomach playfully.) Susan: "Where did you say they were going tonight?" (Susan runs after Edie. ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Saddle Ranch] Susan: "I don't know why I let you talk me into coming here. There is obviously nothing going on between them." Edie: "Where are you going?" Susan: "I'm going to the bathroom and I'm going home. I don't want Mike to catch me here." Edie: "It's only been ten minutes. She could be waiting to make her move." (In the background, a man rides a mechanical bull.) Edie: "Oh come on, you're not gonna beat a girl like that by knocking off early." Susan: "It's not a competition." Edie: "The hell it isn't." Susan: "Good night, Edie." Edie: "Suit yourself. But for the record, I was rooting for you to land him." Susan: "And why would you root for me?" Edie: "Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Gabrielle's Bedroom] (Gabrielle lies on the bed, in a bathrobe. Carlos and Mama Solis stand by the bed.) Carlos: "Just take some antacid." Gabrielle: "It's not those kind of cramps." Carlos: "This is a business dinner. It's important." (Gabrielle groans.) Mama Solis: "Relax. You and I can go alone. Gabrielle can stay here and get better." Carlos: "Fine. I'll see you in a couple of hours." Gabrielle: "Okay. Take good care of Carlos." Mama Solis: "Oh, I always do." (She closes the door behind her and Gabrielle gets off of the bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Saddle Ranch] (Susan starts to leave when she notices Edie riding the mechanical bull in the center of the ring. She bends over to pick up the hat that Edie threw to her. When she stands up, Mike is standing there.) Susan: "Mike! What a small, small world." Mike: "Yeah, it sure is. I caught Edie hiding in the back." Susan: "No kidding, is she here?" (Slowly, Mike turns his head to where Edie is playing to the crowd.) Mike: "Yeah. Yeah, she said, uh, the jig is up, and then she went to ride the bull. Oh, and she said you two came together." Susan: "Oh, well, yeah, we, we did, uh, I just thought she left." Mike: "Are you following me?" Susan: "What? No, no, I just came here, you know, with Edie. We, just, love to ride that bull." Mike: "You ride the bull." Susan: "Yeah, yeah, it's a real rush." Mike: "Come on, Susan, give me a break." Susan: "No, you give me a break! I did not follow you here, and even if I had followed you here, it's because you've been so secretive about Kendra." Mike: "Kendra and I are friends." Susan: "And I came here to ride the bull!" (She plops Edie's hat on her head and a nearby cowboy hears her and dings the triangle he has in his hand. He lets out a whoop and calls out "We've got another one to ride the bull!") (Susan's eyes go wide. Mike backs away to watch.) Cowboy: "Okay, little doggie, you're up!" Susan: "Oh fun. I'm a doggie." (She steps into the ring where the bull is and looks over at Mike, who smirks at her. She throws her purse to Mike, pulls up her shirt, and ties it. The crowd of mostly men catcalls at her."Woo, baby, woo!") Susan: "Oh, yeah, I'm here to ride the bull. Check it out! Okay! Yeah! Woo! Baby! Woo!" (She tosses the hat into the crowd. It hits a man, who falls onto the controls for the bull. The bull starts to buck, and Susan, not yet on it, falls over, landing hard on the rubber mat.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rex's Hotel Room] Rex: "Andrew, you promised you'd stay with your mother. That's why I gave you the car." Andrew: "Dad, she wants me out! She put all my stuff on the front lawn." Rex: "This is ridiculous. I'm going to call her, and I'm going to smooth all this out. you're going home."
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(Rex picks up the phone. Andrew grabs it and puts it down.) Andrew: "No, Dad, why? Now I can live with you without feeling guilty. It will be perfect. It will be like our own little bachelor pad." (Rex walks away.) Andrew: "What?" Rex: "Son, that'snot gonna happen." Andrew: "Why not?" Rex: "Andrew, these past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. There are a lot of things that I've got to work out for myself, and I can't do that if you're living with me. I'm sorry." Andrew: "I don't care. All right. I'm not going back there. Rex: "I don't think you have a choice." Andrew: "But Dad..." Rex: "Uh-uh." (Andrew storms out. Rex calls after him.) Rex: "Oh, come on now, don't!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Andrew's Car] (Andrew makes a call on his cell phone.) Andrew: "Keith? Yeah, it's me. Do you still have that fake ID? Yeah, I've got to go home and kiss my mother's ass. I am not going to it sober!" (He drives off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom and his guests are in the living room while Lynette works in the kitchen. As they laugh and joke, Lynette brings out a plate of desserts and sets it on the coffee table.) Woman: "Oh, the desserts are wonderful. Lynette, do you need any help?" Lynette: "I've got it covered, no problem." (In the living room, Tom outlines his ideas to his boss.) Boss: "Okay, Scavo, you're up. Let's here this genius idea of yours." Tom: "Okay. Uh, okay. The single greatest obstacle facing Spotless Scrub is a lack of visibility. We need to concentrate ads in places where women spend a majority of their time." (Lynette, smiling, listens from the kitchen as she prepares more dessert.) Tom: "For example, large chain grocery stores. Picture Spotless Scrub ads on the side of every mother's shopping cart." Boss: "Interesting." Lynette: "Oh, you know what would be even better? Dry cleaning bags." Tom: "What?" Lynette: "No, really, hear me out. Put a big Spotless Scrub ad between a woman and her cashmere sweater, and I guarantee you'll get her attention." Tom: "Honey, honey, that's great. I'm in the middle of a thing here." Lynette (still smiling): "Oh!" Boss's wife: "She's got a point. And those dry cleaning bags hang in our closets forever, and so it is like constant advertising." Lynette: "Exactly!" Tom: "You know, maybe there's a way that we can work that in - " Boss: "You know, this is kind of a fantastic idea. Can we go nationwide with this?"
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Lynette: "Why not? Start by targeting the top chain, then branch out from there. Boom, boom, boom. Mass saturation. Oh, and you know what else would be a great idea? Here's the thing ..." Mary Alice Voiceover:"While Lynette was commanding everyone's attention..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Saddle Ranch] Mary Alice Voiceover:"...Susan was trying to remain inconspicuous." Susan: "Everybody's looking at me, aren't they?" Mike: "Just the slapstick fans." Susan: "Oh God, why couldn't I have just have been knocked unconscious?" Kendra: "Beer?" Susan: "Absolutely. Oh. Ow! Ow, ow." Mike: "Susan, this is Kendra." Susan: "We've been introduced." Mike: "No, this is Kendra. We've been friends for years. She's here on a visit. She's leaving tomorrow. That's it." Kendra: "It's true. I have no designs on this man whatsoever." Mike: "I'll be right back." (He leaves Kendra and Susan alone at their table.) Kendra: "Sorry about the misunderstanding," Susan: "Me, too." Kendra: "So, how long have you two been seeing each other?" Susan: "Well, you sort of interrupted our first date. But up until then, smoking hot tension. Sounds pathetic, I know." Kendra: "No, I think it's good to take it slow. you'd be smart to be careful." Susan: "Any particular reason?" Kendra: "Look, Mike's a wonderful guy, really. But you should ask him why he moved to Wisteria Lane. It's one hell of a story." Mike: "Here, I got some ice. Here ya go." Susan: "Thanks." (Mr. Shaw walks into the Saddle Ranch and spots Edie, who's saying good night to a group of men. He comes up to her.) Mr. Shaw: "Hey, there." Edie: "Well, good evening! Have a seat." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Bedroom] (Gabrielle and John collapse on her bed, spent.) John: "I could get used to this whole closure thing," Gabrielle: "I love long good byes." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's House] Mama Solis: (gets out of a taxi cab, talking to the driver.) "Wait around the corner. I'll be right back." (She rushes into the house and into Gabrielle's bedroom, where the light from the hallway falls onto Gabrielle and John, kissing on the bed. Mama Solis holds a camera up to her eye and looks through it, snapping a picture.) Mama Solis:"Smile, Gabrielle."
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(Mama Solis leaves. John pushes Gabrielle off of him and grabs his clothing. Gabrielle gets off of the bed calmly and goes to her closet, where she begins carrying clothing to the bed, where she's placed a suitcase.) Gabrielle: "Well, that's it then." John: "What are you doing? She had a camera, we've got to catch her. Mrs. Solis, your husband's gonna kill us. Come on!" (He rushes downstairs.) Mama Solis: "Leave me alone!" John: "Gimme that camera right now!" Mama Solis: "Shut up!" John: "I'm not kidding, old woman!" Mama Solis: "Stay away from me! Don't touch me!" (She hits him and he falls on the floor.) (She rushes out of the house, running and looking behind her. A car careens around the corner. She stops in the middle of the road as it speeds towards her. Shocked, she can only stand there.) (As Gabrielle packs, she can hear tires screeching, and then a thud. She looks out the window and her jaw falls open. The car speeds away.) (Gabrielle runs out of the house. Mama Solis lies motionless in the middle of the street.) (John joins Gabrielle outside. He starts to head towards Mama Solis, but Gabrielle stops him.) Gabrielle: "No, no, you go home. I'll take care of this. And you were never here. Go. Go." (Gabrielle runs towards Mama Solis. The taxi driver comes running.) Taxi Driver: "Did you see that? The guy came barreling around the corner and just hit her." Gabrielle: "Do you have a cell phone?" Taxi Driver: "Yeah." Gabrielle: "Call 911." (He runs to his cab.) (Gabrielle stares at Mama Solis, looks around, and then takes the camera lying next to her, putting it in her robe pocket.) (The car that hit Mama Solis pulls into a driveway. Its right front headlight is smashed in. Inside the driver's seat is Andrew, who's breathing hard. He looks behind him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Juanita hovered dangerously close to the white light, Lynette and Tom were heading into a black void." Lynette: "I was just participating." Tom: "No, your participation was supposed to be limited to making dinner, not making my ideas look bad." Lynette: "Well, maybe you need better ideas. I'm sorry-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." Tom: "No, no no no no. We both know that your career was going so much better than mine before we had kids. You never let me forget that." Lynette: "That is not fair!" Tom: "You are always competing with me, and judging by tonight, you know what, you still are!"
Lynette: "Tom, I am sorry about tonight. Truly, but these days, if I'm competing with anyone, it's the Bree Van de Kamps of the world with their spotless kitchens, and their perfect kids, who throw fabulous parties where nothing ever goes wrong. I try so hard to keep up, but I can't." Tom: "Lynette, that's not my expectation."
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Lynette: "And when you work on a pitch, or you bring the partners over, I am reminded of a world I left behind where I was the winner, and people tried to keep up with me! I can't go back. I can't win where I am. I'm stuck in the middle, and it is really starting to get to me." Tom: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. For your information, I thought you threw an amazing dinner party tonight. I was thrilled! I don't know how you pulled it all together." (They look at each other.) Lynette: "Yeah, well." Tom: "And whether you believe it or not, everyone who knows you thinks that you are a great wife and mother." Lynette: "No, they don't." Tom: "Yes, they do - especially me." Lynette: "Thanks." (He pauses.) Tom: "What's wrong with your eyes?" Lynette: "Nothing, I'm tired." Tom: "Turn around, I want to look at you." Lynette: "I'm fine, really...what's going on outside?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] (EMS technicians rush to Mama Solis's side while neighbors watch. Gabrielle sits on the steps to her house, watching.) (Lynette and Tom rush up to Bree.) Bree: "Oh my god, thank god you're here. Will you go take care of Gabrielle? I have to go home for a minute." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree rushes into her house. Andrew is standing there, leaning against a counter, looking shaken.) Bree: "Oh, Andrew, thank god you're back. I need your help, honey. There's been an accident. Andrew?" Andrew (crying): "Mama." Bree: "Andrew..." (Bree is on the phone.) Bree: "Rex, you need to come home. Something's happened, and we need you." (Danielle and Andrew hold each other's hands.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:"Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it's a friendly rivalry..." (At the Saddle Ranch, Susan watches Mike and Kendra head towards the door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or a fight to the death," (Edie and Mr. Shaw drink together.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"the end result is the same. There will be winners -" (Gabrielle watches Mama Solis taken away on a stretcher.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"and there will be losers." (Lynette, drawn and tired-looking, looks at herself in the mirror. She looks at the pills in her hand.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price." (Quietly, Rex drives Andrew's car into a small garage. Bree stands at the entrance and looks around, and once he gets out of the car, the two of them close the garage door.)
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~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1X08 Guilty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"... Paul:I just want to move this place fast. Edie:I'll call you tomorrow. Paul:Edie, wait. Paul:It's so incomprehensible to me that Edie Britt would try to destroy us. Mr. Shaw:For 5 grand, she's hurt.10 grand, she's gone. Mary Alice Voiceover:Some neighbors hired help... Lynette:How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning? Tom:I don't know. Mary Alice Voiceover:And some helped themselves. John:I hate that she's always watching us. Mary Alice Voiceover:Some just couldn't stop. Mama Solis:Smile, Gabrielle. Mary Alice Voiceover:And one...didn't stop in time. Bree:Oh, Andrew, I need your help, honey. Andrew:Mama? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Focus in on a Bible being opened.) (Mary Alice begins speaking.) "There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone who reads this book feels guilt over the bad things that they do." (Pull out to see that Bree opened the Bible and is reading from it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But Bree Van de Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life, feeling guilty." (Flashbacks showing the images of what Mary Alice is speaking of.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"As a child, she felt guilty about not getting straight "A"s... ..As a teenager, she felt guilty about letting her boyfriend go to second base... ...As a newlywed, she felt guilty about taking three weeks to get out her thank-you cards... ..she knew the transgressions of her past were nothing compared with the sin she was about to commit." (The Van de Kamp family is all in the living room. Danielle and Rex are seated while Andrew paces, and Bree looks through the Bible.) Danielle: "Couldn't we just go to the police and tell them it was an accident?" Rex: "This wasn't some simple DUI. Not only was your brother drinking, Andrew left the scene of the crime. That makes it a hit and run." Andrew: "Maybe I could go to Canada, you know, until the statute of limitations is up." Danielle: "Do you really think mom and dad are going to foot the bill while you go moose hunting for seven years?" Rex: "If Carlos' mother dies, there is no statute of limitations." Danielle: "Right. Because then it's murder."
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Andrew: "Shut up!" Danielle: "You shut up!" Andrew: "How could it be murder, it was an accident!" (pause) Bree: "We have to get rid of the car. But we can't sell it. The police might find it, and there could be DNA. We take the car to a bad part of town. We'll leave the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. If the police don't find it, we'll get the insurance money, and if they do, it wasn't in our possession. Anyone could have hit Mrs. Solis." Andrew: "That sounds good!" Rex: "Bree, are you sure?" Bree: "Our son could spent the rest of his life in jail. I won't allow that." (Bree stands up and puts the Bible away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree knew what she was about to do was wrong, but like most sinners, she would worry about her guilt tomorrow." Bree: "Well, everybody should, uh, go wash up. We're having pancakes for breakfast." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:"Not since my own suicide had violence intruded upon the serenity of life on Wisteria Lane in such a conspicuous fashion. And needless to say, my friends attacked the problem head on." (Lynette, Susan, and Bree are all in the middle of the street, trying to clean off the skid marks on the road.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette brought the broom. Susan brought the trash bags. And Bree brought the industrial strength solvent." Lynette: "Woo. That stuff is strong!" Bree: "It has to be, I don't want Gabrielle and Carlos coming home to this ugly reminder in front of their house." Lynette: "So, has anyone been over there?" Susan: "Julie and I went over this morning." Bree: "How is Juanita doing?" Susan: "She's been in a coma ever since she came out of ER. Nobody knows when or even if she'll wake up." Lynette: "This is awful. Carlos must be just devastated." Susan: "I hope she wakes soon. Maybe she can tell us who was driving that car." Bree: "We can only hope." (A red car zips around the corner and speeds past the women.) (Lynette stands up, shouting after the car.) Lynette: "Slow down, you jerk, this is a residential neighborhood." (She throws her sponge at the car and it bounces off of the car's hood.) Susan: "Wow, that's quite a pitching arm you've got there." Lynette: "It pisses me off. I've got four kids, you know. I was up all night reading statistics online. One out of every four traffic accidents happens on residential streets. I hope whoever hit Juanita gets put away for life." Bree: "Don't you think that's a little bit extreme?" Lynette: "An innocent woman gets hit by a car and the driver just takes off? I don't think it's extreme." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Carlos and Gabrielle are in Mama Solis's hospital room. Carlos sits by the bed and Gabrielle checks her nails as she sits on the dresser.)
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Gabrielle: "You should go home and get some rest, eat something. You have a ton of messages from work--Tanaka called; said it was urgent. Carlos, I can stay here with your mother." Carlos: "I need to be here if she wakes up." Gabrielle: "You can't go on like this. You have to take care of yourself." Carlos: "And what if she dies? People slip into comas all the time and never come out." Gabrielle: "Don't say that! We need to stay positive." (The door opens and John sticks his head in.) John: "Mr. and Mrs. Solis?" Gabrielle: "John!" John: "Is it okay if I come in?" Carlos: "Of course." John: "Mr. Solis, I'm so sorry this happened." Carlos: "It means a lot that you came." (They embrace.) Carlos: "Look, I think I'm gonna to go down to the chapel and pray. You want to come?" Gabrielle: "Um, no, I think I will stay here with mama." John: "Is it all right if I come?" Carlos: "Of course, we need all the prayers we can get." (John leaves the flowers he had brought for Mama Solis on the table by her bed, then leaves with Carlos. Gabrielle is annoyed.) (A nurse comes in with a bucket of water.) Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, it's time for her sponge bath." Gabrielle: "Come again?" Nurse: "Sometimes family members prefer to administer sponge baths themselves." Gabrielle: "I think I'll pass." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Huber's House] (Mrs. Huber is neatly packing luggage on the kitchen table when her front door opens and Edie comes in) Edie: "Martha. Where's your purse?" Martha: "Over there, why?" (Edie walks over to the purse without saying a word and opens it.) Martha: "What are you doing?" Edie: "I am taking back the $40 that you stole out of my purse." Martha: "Edie!" Edie: "We both know you did it, now hand it over!" Martha: "I have taken nothing from your purse, and if you're missing money, I'd ask one of those strange men you parade through here at all hours." (She grabs the purse from Edie and walks away.) Edie: "I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!" Martha: "Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched." Edie: "I want my money." Martha: "And I want those non-fat peach yogurts. They didn't just walk out of that fridge by themselves." Edie: "Well, you can deduct it from the $40 that you're going to give me, now!" Martha: "You're my best friend, why would I steal from you?" Edie: "It's no secret that you've been having financial problems. I hear you bitching on the phone to your bank." Martha: "That's it! I can put up with your debauchery and your food theft, but I will not tolerate spying. I
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want you out." Edie: "You don't mean that." Martha: "Oh, yes, I do. I'm leaving tomorrow to visit my sister for a few days. I want you gone by the time I get back." Edie: "I'll do one better. I will leave today." (She takes her purse and leaves. Once she's gone, Mrs. Huber reaches into her blouse and removes some money, which she then puts into her purse.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Chang's Office] (Lynette is lying on a table while Dr. Chang, an acupuncturist, places needles into her forehead.) Lynette: I hope this works. My sleep cycle is totally out of whack. I'm up all night, I'm dozing off during the day." Dr. Chang: "Trust me, this will do the trick. In fact, you should be feeling more relaxed already." Lynette: "You know, you're right." (Faintly, from outside of the room, calls and shouts from Lynette's kids can be heard.) Lynette: "Boys, I can hear you out there. Now be quiet. Just sit there and color." Dr. Chang: "Now is not a good time to be moving." Lynette: "Oh, yeah. Sorry." Dr. Chang: "Just block everything out, and let it go. Imagine that you're in a forest. There a babbling brook nearby, and the wind is just coming through the trees..." (Parker comes through the door, dragging a plastic tree.) Parker: "Mommy." Lynette: "Parker! I don't know --ow!--what you think that you're doing, but put that back where it belongs!" Lynette: "I'm sorry. You were saying something about wind?" Dr. Chang: "I was just creating a soothing image." Lynette: "Oh, for the love of God!" (She gets off the table and opens up the door to where her boys are waiting.) Lynette: "Knock it off, you little monsters." Dr. Chang: "Mrs. Scavo, please lie down. we need to finish this." Lynette: "Look, I'm on my last nerves, so I'm going to level with you. I've screwed up my entire system by taking my system by taking my kids'ADD medication. Yeah, that's right, you heard me. I plan to stop, but right now I need to sleep, and I need more than a few, crappy, needles, so whattya got?" Dr. Chang: "I'm not licensed to write prescriptions." Lynette: "I know you're not." (The acupuncturist goes to her cabinet and removes a small bag of herbs. She turns to Lynette.) Dr. Chang: "This will put you right to sleep. It's a very powerful herbal remedy. Now promise me you're going to use it judiciously?" Lynette: "Sure. Whatever." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Susan knocks on Mike's screen door.) Susan: "Knock, knock!" Mike: "Hey! Come on in!" Susan: "You're a mess." Mike: "Ah, yeah, I'm tearing out these leaky pipes in the upstairs bathroom. Wall to wall rotten wood." Susan: "Sounds like a job. So, Julie said that you came by before?"
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Mike: "Um.. Yeah. Uh... yeah, I was thinking about driving up to the Girmany vineyard tomorrow for this wine tasting, and, um.." Susan: "What time do you want me to be ready?" Mike: "How about six?" Susan: "Six is good." Mike: "All right. I thought maybe afterwards, we could have a little dinner, maybe some dancing." Susan: "Sounds great. Um, you do know that it's like a two-hour drive up there. And isn't that kind of late to be coming back?" Mike: "I thought if, you know, worse came to worse, we could grab a room..." Susan: "Oh? Like a hotel room?" Mike: "Yeah, as a last resort." Susan: "Of course, of course, yes. So, maybe we should make reservations, you know, just in case." Mike: "Yeah, I found some hotels online. Let me get a printout." (She laughs and he goes upstairs. Bongo, who had been off in the corner, comes towards Susan.) Susan: "Hey, Bongo, come here. You want a treat? Hey, Mike, where do you keep the dog biscuits?" Mike: "I'm sorry, what?" Susan: "Oh, never mind! We'll just find them ourselves. We'll go find them ourselves." (She opens up one of Mike's cabinets and, in plain view, are stacks of money and a gun. Susan takes out a couple of stacks of money and looks at them.) (Mike comes down the stairs.) Mike: "I'm sorry, Susan. I couldn't hear you. What did you say?" Susan: "Nothing. It's not important." (She quickly puts the money back and closes the cabinet.) (The phone rings.) Mike: "It's my tile guy. Here, see what looks good." (He hands her the printout of hotels and answers the phone.) Mike: "Hey, Phil. Um, no. No. Tomorrow morning I'm making a lumber run. It's no good. Uh, no, I'll be gone tomorrow night, too." Susan: "I could let him in." Mike: "No, that's okay." Susan: "No, it's fine, just give me the key. I'll be around all day." Mike: "All right. Thanks. Phil, I'll give the key to my neighbor. She'll be here to let you in." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nighttime] (A car drives down the street of an old, worn-out neighborhood.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Like every city, Fairview had a neighborhood that was less than desirable. It was an accepted fact: anyone who lingered there after midnight was usually up to no good. Rex and Bree Van de Kamp were no exception." (The car stops and Bree gets out. In a nonchalant manner, she walks around the car and heads towards Rex, who's parked in his own car in a darkened alleyway, with a perfect view of the car Bree had driven.) (She gets into the car with Rex.) Rex: "You really think this is gonna work?" Bree: "This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, somebody will steal the car." Rex: "How can you be so sure?" Bree: "Because I have faith in the poor." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Paul's House] (On the television is a home video of Mary Alice wearing a party hat. As the video plays, Paul watches it as he talks.) Paul: "She's so beautiful. I shot this last year on her birthday. How you going to do it?" Mr. Shaw: "I made contact with her at a bar. She thinks I'm a real estate developer." Paul: "Is she going to suffer?" Mr. Shaw: "No. Edie Britt will disappear, and you'll go back to your life." Paul: "Before you do it, do you think you should ask her why she sent this note to my wife?" Mr. Shaw: "You can't think like that, Mr. Young. You can't give in to your curiosity. Curiosity leads to guilt. Guilt leads to talking. You still have questions?" (Paul sighs and shakes his head no.) Mr. Shaw: "I want to be clear about something. When I walk away with this cash, it's done. No refunds. No buyer's remorse." Paul: "I get it." Mr. Shaw: "We won't talk again, so I'll ask one more time: are you sure you want this?" Paul: "My wife is dead because of Edie Britt. I absolutely want this." (He touches her face on the TV screen.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rex's Car] (Rex and Bree sit relaxed in the car, watching the car Bree left behind.) Rex: "You've been awfully quiet." Bree: "I had just been...thinking about the kids. They sure grew up quickly, didn't they?" Rex: "They sure did." Bree: "I remember telling them when they were babies that they weren't allowed to get any bigger because they were so adorable. And we were so happy." Rex: "Yeah, well..." Bree: "They sure didn't turn out like we expected them to." Rex: "No, they didn't." Bree: "We could have been better parents." Rex: "We weren't that bad." Bree: "We still have so much to teach them. For starters, we need to get across to Andrew the enormity of what he's done." Rex: "I don't - I suppose we could punish them." Bree: "All right, then what's the appropriate punishment for a child who drives over a woman?" Rex: "I...I don't know." Bree: "You know, no matter how the kids turn out, I still love them.'' Rex: "Of course, you do." Bree: "But I'll never forgive them for growing up so quickly." Rex: "Hey, look." (A man stands by the car on the street, looks around, then quickly gets into the car and drives away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan packs as she talks with Julie.) Susan: "And then I opened the cabinet and there was all this money in it. I mean, there was wads of it." Julie: "That's why you're freaking out? A few stacks of cash? Come on." Susan: "Well, what? Realistically, I've known this guy a few weeks. I mean, he could be a hit man for the mob!"
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Julie: "If you really think that, why are going on a trip with him?" Susan: "I never get out of the house." Julie: "Mom, if you really need something to freak out about, just remember that you're going to spend the night with Mike in a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor." Susan: "Yeah, and he retired. I try not to take that personally." (She puts on a sweater.) Julie: "You look old in that." Susan: "Maybe I am being silly, but going to a hotel with a man is a big deal to me. What if Mike is hiding something?" Julie: "Like what?" Susan: "I don't know." (A horn honks outside.) Julie: "That's Dad. I gotta go. Now, listen to me. No more freaking out. I need this weekend to go well." Susan: "Why do you care so much?" Julie: "Because I'm gonna have a husband of my own someday, and I really don't want you living with us." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (The four Van de Kamps are visiting Carlos and Gabrielle.) Bree: "Are the lady fingers okay?" Gabrielle: "Oh, they're terrific. We just appreciate you all stopping by." Bree: "We just want you to know how much we care." Rex: "So, have the police come up with any leads?" Gabrielle: "Not really. They'll be able to determine the make and model of the car, but without any eye witnesses, no one seems very optimistic." Bree: "Well, more importantly, is there any good news about Juanita?" Gabrielle: "No change. All we can do is wait and hope for the best." Danielle: "We put her on our prayer list at church." Gabrielle: "Oh, that's very sweet, Danielle, thank you." Carlos: "It must really help during times like these--having kids." Rex: "Yeah, they're a blessing." Carlos: "Children make everything worthwhile. You guys are the future. Legacy." Andrew: "Thanks." Carlos: "After we're all dead, you'll be the only ones left to carry on. Gabrielle and I are about to start a family." Rex: "Oh, hey, that--that's great." Bree: "Well, when did you decide this?" Gabrielle: "It's a fairly recent development." (She stares pointedly at Carlos, who bows his head in slight acknowledgement.) Bree: "I see." Gabrielle: "We'll talk about this later." Carlos: "Face it. We're shallow people. I mean, can our lives have any meaning if all we ever do is buy stuff?" Gabrielle: "That depends on what we buy." Carlos: "I want a child." Gabrielle: "In case you've forgotten, before we got married, we made a deal. No kids." Carlos: "Yeah, well, deals were meant to be renegotiated." Gabrielle: "Well, we're not negotiating my uterus." Bree: "We should probably be going."
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Rex: "Yeah." Bree: "Thank you so much." (The Van de Kamps leave the Solis's house and walk back to their house.) Danielle: "That was weird." Bree: "I feel awful for Carlos. That talk about children was obviously coming from his grief." Andrew: "Whatever. I'm off the hook." (He and Danielle touch fists and walk off. Bree stops walking and stares after him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"A weary Lynette drank her potent tea in hopes of finally finding the sleep that had eluded her. Unfortunately for Lynette, there would be no rest for the weary." (Lynette lies down on the couch and covers herself up with blankets when the doorbell rings.) Lynette: "Go to hell." (The doorbell rings several more times.) Lynette: "Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell." (She stomps to the door and opens it. A stream of boy scouts with a scout mother rush inside.) Scout mother: "Sorry we're late, Kenny Lipman couldn't find his handkerchief. Come on guys!" Lynette: "The scout meeting is today?" (The boys run all over the house, being noisy, as Lynette stares at them.) (Later, the boys are separate into groups, with the other scout mother monitoring the boys at the table and Lynette on the floor with her three boys and one other boy. They have books on rope tying in front of them. Lynette leans against the couch, sleeping sitting up.) Parker: "Mommy!" Lynette: "What? Oh...right! Okay, boys. This knot is called the bowline. It is a remarkably useful knot. Now, pick up your ropes. Okay. First we cross this end over here, and then we make a loop, and then another loop, and then you sort of pull it through, I'm guessing, and then, ready? Yank it taut." (She pulls her rope taut and it's a straight piece of rope.) Twin: "Mommy, that doesn't look like the picture." Lynette: "You're never going to be a sailor, what do you care? Okay everybody, let's just take a break!" (She gets up.) Lynette: "Thanks!" (She walks away and the boys on the floor start hitting each other with the rope.) (Lynette goes to the bathroom and takes out some pills, which she swallows. She pauses, then swallows some more.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] Phil: "Okay, it's all up there. Can I get a signature?" Susan: "Oh, of course." Phil: "Thank you very much." Susan: "Here you go. Have a nice weekend." Phil: "You too, lady." (She closes the door behind him, then heads for the kitchen, where she removes all of the money and the gun.) (Later, she sits on the living room couch, counting out the money. She hears a car door slam and when she looks out the window, see Phil getting out of his truck. Quickly, she gathers up all of the money and the gun
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and rushes up the stairs.) Phil: "Hey ma'am, you still here? I forgot to give you a receipt! Ma'am?" (Susan heads into Mike's bathroom and dumps everything into the sink. She climbs on the toilet to look out the window and sees Phil driving away. She lets out a sigh of relief. She then jumps down, falling through the floor, where she stays there, trapped.) Susan: "Hello! I need help, I'm up here, I'm trapped in the floor, hello?!" (Bongo comes running in to stare at her.) Susan: "If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave!" (Bongo looks behind him to the door.) Susan: "Wait! Wait! No! Wait, don't, don't go! Wait, I have an idea. Here! Here! Here! Here, grab the towel, Bongo! Come on, grab the other end! Come on, boy! That's it! Get the other end! Come on, Bongo! Pull the other end! Come on, Bongo! What are you doing? Bongo, over here!" (He goes over and starts drinking out of the toilet.) Susan: "Bongo? Oh, oh! don't do that! Bongo!" (She grimaces.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John's House] (Gabrielle walks up the path to John's house, past John, himself, who's working on the yard.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"While Susan was hopelessly stuck, Gabrielle was moving to confront the issue of her young lover's restless conscience." John: "Nobody's home." Gabrielle: "I know, I've been watching. I came to talk to you." (She turns slightly and sees that he's stopped working.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Although she would need to be discrete." Gabrielle: "Keep working! What were you thinking, showing up at the hospital?" John: "I had to see if she was okay." Gabrielle: "You need to keep a low profile right now." John: "Look, you and I are finished. From now on, I'm sticking with Danielle." Gabrielle: "Why would you say that?" (Gabrielle rings the doorbell again.) John: "I hate myself for what we did! Okay? I can't sleep at night! I've got to make a clean break." Gabrielle: "We weren't driving the car. We didn't chase Juanita into the street!" John: "Well, she wouldn't have been there if we weren't having an affair." (Gabrielle turns away from the door to face John.) Gabrielle: "Oh, for God's sakes, between you and Carlos! Listen to me carefully, you didn't do anything wrong." (She rings the doorbell again.) John: "That's not what Father Crowley thinks." Gabrielle: "What?" John: "I went to confession." (Gabrielle turns around and walks over to him.) Gabrielle: "Have you lost your mind? What did you tell him?" (She leans over to smell the rose.) John: "Everything." Gabrielle: "Including in the alley? Behind the truck stop?" John: "Everything."
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Gabrielle: "Damn you!" (She storms off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Bongo comes into the bathroom again where Susan is still stuck.) Susan: "What is wrong with you? Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now! Stupid dog." (Bongo turns and rushes off.) Susan: "Good boy, Bongo! Run, Bongo, run, go get help!" (Bongo returns and drops a dead crow in front of her.) Susan: "Ooooeeewwwoooohhh..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree and Andrew are both in the kitchen.) Bree: "Andrew, um, I know the last few days have been stressful, and, uh, you know, if you ever need to talk to anybody..." Andrew: "I know, I know. You and Dad are here for me." Bree: "Actually, I was thinking we could arrange for you to talk to a professional." Andrew: "A shrink? You think I'm crazy?" Bree: "Of course not. It's just that the accident probably stirred up a lot of emotions, and it would be normal for you to be feeling confused or depressed or ashamed..." Andrew: "I'm cool, mom. Really." Bree: "Honey, you put a woman into a coma. Surely that arouses some kind of emotion!" Andrew: "Yeah, well, it doesn't. Now if you'll excuse me..." Bree: "No, I won't, not until you tell me." Andrew: "Why do you care?" Bree: "Because I need to know that you're not a monster!" Andrew: "You want to know how I feel?" Bree: "Yeah." Andrew: "Okay, here it goes. I feel bad that she got hurt. But I also feel bad that my car got dinged because somebody didn't have enough sense to look both ways before she crossed the street. And I also feel bad that now I'm gonna have to ride my bike to school." Bree: "Andrew, you almost killed another human being." Andrew: "She's an old lady. Okay? She's lived her life. I have my whole life ahead of me, and now it might be screwed up! That's what you should be worried about!" Bree: "What I'm worried about, Andrew, is that you don't seem to have a soul. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police!" Andrew: "Because I'm your son. That would make you the monster." (He walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Mike opens up the front door and Bongo comes rushing down the stairs to greet him.) Mike: "Hey, buddy!" (He goes into the kitchen and sees the remains of the bathroom floor scattered on the kitchen. He looks up and sees Susan's legs dangling from the ceiling.) Mike: "Susan, is that you?"
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Susan: "Mike? I'm upstairs. Sorta." Mike (laughing): "Hang on, I'll be right up." (When he gets to the bathroom, he stops, and leans against the door frame.) Mike: "What happened?" Susan: "Well, you see, this bird, um, flew in your bathroom window, and, I, tried to save it, but, uh, it died." Mike: "I don't think that's what happened." Susan: "I don't think so, either." Mike: "Come on..." (He lifts her out and puts her to the side.) Susan: "Thank you, oh, you have no idea what that was like..." (Mike looks in the sink and notices the money and gun Susan left there.) Mike: "You went through my cabinets." Susan: "What? Oh, I can explain." Mike: "Get out of my house." Susan: "Mike..." Mike: "Get out!" (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] (Mr. Shaw gets out of his car and goes to the trunk. He opens it. Inside are shovels. He takes out a gun and hides it in the back of his pants, underneath his jacket.) (Edie pulls up in her car and gets out. Mr. Shaw closes the trunk.) Edie: "Hello there!" Mr. Shaw: "Good afternoon." Edie: "Ooh, well, isn't this just as pretty as a picture book!" Mr. Shaw: "Well, the plan is to put in a small condo." Edie: "You want to make some money, or you want to pussyfoot around?" Mr. Shaw: "What do you suggest?" Edie: "I'm thinking strip mall. I've run some numbers." (She pulls out a sheet of the purple stationary with numbers written on it and hands it to him.) Mr. Shaw: "Nice stationary." Edie: "Oh, it's stolen." Mr. Shaw: "What do you mean?" Edie: "After my house burned down, I was staying with this neighbor, Martha Huber. That is, until the old troll threw me out. Anyway, I'd steal her stuff, she'd steal mine. Circle of life." Mr. Shaw: "So this paper is hers?" Edie: "Oh, God, yes." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Parker plays with the radio, switching stations and turning it louder. The twins bang on pots, The house is a mess, with food and toys everywhere.) (Lynette comes into the kitchen, talking on the phone.) Lynette: "No, Tom, you can't do this to me. Because, I need you at home. Boys, stop it, I am on the phone. Well, yeah, I realize it's not your fault that the meeting got postponed, but you promised you'd be back tonight. I, I, I gotta go. The kids are... Yeah, I know... you're sorry, just, will you try to get back as soon as you can? Okay, bye."
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(She hangs up the phone.) Lynette: "Boys, would you please, please, stop it. Really, really, mommy's got a headache. Okay? Just, uh..." Radio: ...and drowsy and ready to sleep, let the morning time drop all its petals on me... life I love you, all is groovy... Lynette: "Turn that damn thing off." (Lynette starts screaming at the boys as everything happens in slow motion. She throws pans on the floor and throws a can through the window. Facing the window, she sees Mary Alice appear. Mary Alice smiles, looks down at her hands, and then hands Lynette a gun. Slowly, Lynette takes the gun, looks at it, and then holds it up to her own head. She closes her eyes.) (A loud crash wakes up Lynette, who had been sleeping with her head on the kitchen table. She looks at her boys, who are ignoring her, doing their own thing, and she sighs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's House] (Susan rings Mike's doorbell. He answers the door, unfriendly.) Mike: "What?" Susan: "I just came over to say I'm sorry, and I'll pay for all the damage." Mike: "Don't worry about it." (He starts to close the door.) Susan: "Well, so, in your mind, is the date off?" Mike: "Well, you snooped around my house, and went through my stuff. Uh, yeah, in my book, that's pretty much a deal breaker." (Susan opens the screens and enters the house.) Susan: "Hold on a minute, now. I started snooping around because I found all that money by accident. And, and then, I found a gun. Are you a drug dealer or something?" Mike: "Is that what you think?" Susan: "Well, I wouldn't know because you never let me in. You know, there's this whole part of your life that you keep completely walled off." Mike: "I have a gun for protection, I keep cash for emergencies. I'm a good guy, Susan, and you should know that. I'm, I'm not obligated to share every little detail of my life with you." Susan: "Well, every little detail is one thing. You know, weird creepy secrets, that's another." Mike: "You know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me." Susan: "Well, maybe we shouldn't be dating." Mike: "Maybe we shouldn't." Susan: "Do you mean that?" Mike: "Yeah." Susan: "Well, I hope that, your, you know, little secret keeps you warm at night because you're throwing something really great away to protect it!" (She walks off and he closes the door.) (Susan walks angrily back to her house, passing by Lynette's house as she does so. Lynette, with all four children, sees her and calls out.) Lynette: "Oh, Susan, you gotta take my kids for a while." Susan: "Lynette, it's just, this really isn't the time..." Lynette: "No, no, I'm sorry, I can't do this. It's just too much. Boys, you stay with your aunt Susan." (She hands Susan the baby and the boys cheer, then rush back to the front door. Lynette goes to her car, gets in, and drives off.) Susan: "Lynette! You know, when are you coming back? Lynette! Lynette!"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Soccer field] (Lynette sits against a post, slowly turning a prescription bottle in her hands.) (Bree and Susan slowly drive up to the field.) Bree: "There's Lynette's car, she's gotta be close." Susan: "I hope the kids aren't too much for Danielle to handle." Bree: "She'll be fine. What do you think's happening with Lynette?" Susan: "I don't know, but I'm scared. Something's very, very wrong." (Susan stops the car and the two of them get out and walk over to Lynette.) Bree: "Lynette? Honey?" Susan: "Are you okay?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Gabrielle sits alone next to Mama Solis's hospital bed. Father Crowley walks in.) Gabrielle: "Father, I'm so glad you could come and pray for mama. Please, sit, sit." Father Crowley: "Thank you, Gabrielle." Gabrielle: "Listen, since you're here, there's something I've always wondered about. That whole thing about priests not being allowed to repeat what they hear in confessions, is that a hard rule, or just a general guideline?" Father Crowley: "Rest assured, everyone's secrets are safe." Gabrielle: "That's good to hear." Father Crowley: "I'll keep yours, too, if you want to talk." Gabrielle: "No, me? No, no. Confession is not really my thing." Father Crowley: "That's a shame," Gabrielle: "Okay. You can stop condemning me with your eyes. Right now. I know you know, about the affair. But you know nothing about my life. Look, it's not even an issue anymore. John and I are finished." Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, the church is pretty clear on this. If you commit a mortal sin, and you die without repenting, you go to hell." Gabrielle: "Well, aren't you just a ball of fun. So, if I confess, it'll clean the slate, right?" Father Crowley: "Well, not only that. If you want God's forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry, and you have to promise not to commit the sin again." Gabrielle: "So what happens if I repent, later, like, say, when I'm 75?" Father Crowley: "I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?" Gabrielle: "Well, let's say I don't die. I do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?" Father Crowley: "If you mean it, yes." Gabrielle: "Thank you, Father Crowley. You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing." Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, you know, we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you want to be a good person?" Gabrielle: "What I want is to be happy." Father Crowley: "That's the answer of a selfish child." Gabrielle: "I know." (She turns and leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Soccer Field] Lynette: "Then I started taking the pills because they gave me energy, but then I couldn't sleep at night, and I
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was getting so tired in the daytime. And, it totally messed me up. I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother." Bree: "Lynette, you're a great mother." Lynette: "No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating." Susan: "No, it's not! So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens." Bree: "You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress. Honey, you need some help." Lynette: "That's what's so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain." Susan: "That's just not true. When, when Julie was a baby, I, I was out of my mind almost every day." Bree: "I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little. I used their nap times to cry." Lynette (crying): "Why didn't you ever tell me this?" Bree: "Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure." Susan: "I think it's just that we think that it's easier to keep it all in." Lynette: "Well, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff." Susan: "It helps, huh?" Lynette: "Yeah, it really does." (Susan hugs her and Bree gently brushes the hair away from her face.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] Paul: "So it was Martha Huber all along." Mr. Shaw: "Seems so. Edie didn't move in with Huber until after your wife received the blackmail note." Paul: "Thank God. We almost killed an innocent woman." Mr. Shaw: "Like I said, I don't do refunds, but if you'd like, I'm willing to pay Mrs. Huber a visit." Paul: "No. Just keep the money. This whole thing's been tearing me up. The nightmares, the guilt. This isn't what Mary Alice would've wanted." Mr. Shaw: "What would she have wanted?" Paul: "Answers." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. Huber's House] (Mrs. Huber is removing groceries when Paul shows up. He takes some of her groceries.) Paul: "Hello, Mrs. Huber." Martha: "Paul." Paul: "Let me give you a hand." Martha: "That's really not necessary." Paul: "I insist." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan sits quietly in a chair, sipping from a glass of wine. She finishes it and gets up to pour more. She looks out of her window and sees a man looking out of his window at her.) (It's Mike, and he stands in his house, watching her, then goes over to his couch, where he looks at the pictures he has of her next to the maps of the neighborhood.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Huber's House] (A small ant crawls over Paul's hand as he watches Mrs. Huber put away her groceries.) Paul: "Ants, huh." Martha: "Yeah. I've got a little infestation problem. I wanted to take care of it before I left on my trip."
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Paul: "Never had a problem with ants. Mary Alice and I had these little black flies once." Martha: "Oh?" Paul: "She was so funny about it. She ran out and bought herself a can of poison something to spray them down, so she was taking aim at one on the counter, and she just, uh, stops, and puts the can down. couldn't do it. She told me later, it felt too personal. Literally couldn't kill a fly. That's how gentle she was." Martha: "Then you must have lived with quite a few flies. I'm going to have to say good night to you now, Paul." (He puts the note on the counter.) Martha: "What are you doing here?" Paul: "I want to know why." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan takes another sip of wine when somebody knocks on her door. It's Mike.) Mike: "I know you've got a lot of questions. And I also know I don't want to lose you. So ask me anything you want." Susan: "You just told me everything I need to know." (She pulls him towards her and starts kissing him. They enter her house. He closes the door with his foot and, still kissing, they stop at her work table. He leans her over it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Huber's House] Martha: "All right, my idiot husband died, and left me with a worthless pension. I was desperate for money, and it's better to take it from a bad person than a good one. How was I supposed to know she'd shoot herself?" Paul: "She was a good person." Martha: "A good person who leaves her child motherless? Read the Bible, Paul, suicide's a big no-no." Paul: "Don't you feel any remorse whatsoever?"
Martha: "Why should I? Your wife didn't kill herself because I wrote a note. She killed herself because of what she did to that poor baby! But rest assured, I'm praying for Mary Alice. After what she did, she'll need all of our prayers." (She heads to the refrigerator, where she removes some ice and some milk. Paul sees the blender on the kitchen counter. He picks it up and as she turns back around, he slams it into her head. She drops to the floor.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Still kissing, Mike pushes Susan up against a wall.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Huber's House] (Paul gets on the floor where Mrs. Huber is and begins strangling her. She tries to push him away, but can't.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Still against the wall, kissing, Mike captures Susan's hand against the wall, holding it there. He kisses her neck and then travels lower.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Huber's House]
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(Paul continues strangling Mrs. Huber.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan pulls away from Mike, and then walks backwards, taking his hand and pulling him towards her. He follows.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Huber's House] (Mrs. Huber has passed and Paul gently folds the rug she's lying on over her body.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (On Susan's bed, Mike lies on his back. Susan is astride him, still fully clothed. She kisses him as she runs her hands down his body.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree sits at the dining room table, reading the Bible.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do." (Bree looks up to where Andrew is sitting in the kitchen, playing a hand-held video game.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"In contrast, there are those who assume more than their share of the blame." (At the hospital, Carlos gently washes his mother with a sponge.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"There are others, who sooth their consciences with small acts of kindness." (Gabrielle takes a sponge and takes over for Carlos.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Or by telling themselves their sins were justified." (Paul scrubs at the blood on the counter.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Finally, there are the ones who simply vow to do better next time, and pray for forgiveness." (Lynette lies, sleeping, on her couch.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes, their prayers are answered." (Dreaming, Lynette sits on the grass in a park with her baby. Her boys run by her, playing with each other. She smiles and looks up, seeing Mary Alice step from the trees. They smile at each other.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1X09 - Suspicious Minds -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"...one was careless... Bree:You put a woman into a coma.Surely that arouses some kind of emotion. Andrew:Well, it doesn't. Mike:You and I are finished. Mary Alice Voiceover:One said goodbye... Lynette:I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. Mary Alice Voiceover:One almost lost it... Mrs. Huber:Your wife didn't kill herself because I wrote a note.She killed herself because of what she did to
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that poor baby. Mary Alice Voiceover:And one got exactly what she deserved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(As Mary Alice speaks via voice-over, the scenes Mary Alice describes are shown.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was fifteen, after her stepfather paid her a late-night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model, which soon led to her next great idea--her decision to marry Carlos Solis. Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by a tragic accident. So once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea." (A nurse comes in and checks in on Mama Solis.) Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, I know you're worried, but it's going to take time." Gabrielle: "Hmmm? What is?" Nurse: "You look sad. I assume you're thinking about your mother-in-law." Gabrielle: "Oh, no." Nurse: "So, uh, what were you thinking about?" Gabrielle: "My life. It hasn't turned out like I thought it would." Nurse: "Oh, honey!" Gabrielle: "Oh, I know I shouldn't complain. It's just there's something missing, and I don't know what it is. Do you ever feel that way?" Nurse: "Hmmm, no. When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby, because I know I did something that day that helped people." Gabrielle: "That must be a nice feeling.'' Nurse: "Hmmm, it is. Of course, there are times I wish I didn't have to work so hard. We've got a real nursing shortage here, and they keep cutting our budget, and..." (The nurse is interrupted by an announcement over the loud speaker.) Announcement: "Attention all available personnel. Code blue, stat. Room 214." Nurse: "Excuse me..." (She rushes out of the room as the announcement is repeated. Curious, Gabrielle follows her.) Nurse: "Damn it, get a doctor in here, I don't have an airway. No time, I have to intubate. Mr. Getz? Mr. Getz? Listen. You're not dying on me, okay? This tube is to help you breathe. I need you to be brave now!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was then that Gabrielle got her next great idea." (A nurse closes the curtains around the patient's bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"She decided to throw the first annual Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show, to raise money for more nursing staff." Betty: "Gabby, Gabby, I can't do it. I cannot walk down a runway in one of these dresses. They all make me look so fat. Please, get someone to take my place, Please!" Gabrielle: "Betty, listen to me." Betty: "No, no, please." Gabrielle: "Listen, Betty! Okay? You're not quitting on me now. We're going to find you a gown. It's going to be black, and slimming, and you're going to look great! I need you to be brave now." Betty: "Okay."
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(Betty walks off and Gabrielle looks pleased with herself.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And that night, when she went to bed, Gabrielle slept like a baby." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered that when it came to the latest fashions, women are seldom charitable. No one knew this better than Edie Britt. She understood that treachery never goes out of style." (Edie finds a dress in the racks that she likes. She begins to rip off the tag that claims it's Susan's dress. As she pulls it from the rack and turns around, she runs into Susan, who was walking up.) Edie: "Susan!" Susan: "Give me the dress." Edie: "I gave it a shot!" (She hands the dress over.) (In a different part of the room, Helen is admiring the dress she's wearing. Gabrielle comes up.) Gabrielle: "Hi, Helen!'' Helen: "Hi!" Gabrielle: "How's the dress fitting?" Helen: "Great. Maybe it could be taken out at the shoulder a little." Gabrielle: "Sure, no problem. There you go." Helen: "You know, Gabrielle, I never thanked you properly." Gabrielle: "For what?" Helen: "For what you did for my son. It was so nice of you to hire John as your gardener." Gabrielle: "Believe me, it's been my pleasure. How's he doing?" Helen: "Good, good." Gabrielle: "I hear he's dating Danielle Van de Kamp?" Helen: "Well, for now. I think it's just a matter of time before they break up for good." Gabrielle: "What's wrong?" Helen: "Oh, she just seems to want much more of a relationship than he does. You remember what's it's like dating teenage boys." Gabrielle: "Vaguely." Helen: "Thank you." (She leaves to look at herself in the mirror again.) (Carlos comes down the stairs, talking on the portable phone.) Carlos: "No, you tell that son-of-a-bitch Tanaka that if he doesn't call me in an hour, I'm going to go down to his office, find him, and kick his ass." (He hangs up the phone. The women stare at him.) Carlos: "Ladies..." (He walks off.) (Susan comes up to Gabrielle.) Susan: "Trouble at work?" Gabrielle: "I don't know what his problem is. He's making money left and right. I just wish he'd relax." (Off to the side, Edie gets upset.) Edie: "Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Well, what the hell am I supposed to wear?"
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Lynette: "Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?" Edie: "This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body." Lynette: "That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others." Bree: "So, why isn't Mrs. Huber here?" Edie: "Last I heard, she went to visit her sister. I just can't believe that Martha would agree to wear this. She always said she'd never be caught dead in black." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly for Mrs. Huber, this was no longer the case." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside, in the woods] (A large black bag, with a human-shaped lump inside is lying on the ground. Nearby, Paul digs a hole in the ground. When he's done, he drags the bag into the hole. An arm hangs out. He throws the green blender into the hole, next to the body, and then begins shoveling in the dirt.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Julie is spooning ice cream into a bowl when Susan comes in with the mail.) Julie: "Hey Mom!" Susan: "Julie, you'll never guess who you got a letter from. Zach. Isn't that weird, him writing you?" Julie: "Yeah." Susan: "Well, open! Open, open, open! He could have said something about Dana!" Julie: "I'll read it later." Susan: "Later? What's wrong with now?" Julie: "I've got tons of homework, mom." Susan: "Julie, what's going on?" Julie: "This isn't the first letter I've gotten from Zach. We've been writing each other the last couple of weeks. Are you mad?" Susan: "No, it's just when I was your age, my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio, not in a mental institution. You know, that letter is one notch above prison mail." Julie: "Zach's not crazy. He's just upset over his mom, and his dad doesn't even seem to care. He just needs a friend." (She picks up her ice cream and leaves the kitchen.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette pays bills at the kitchen table while Tom, holding the baby, packs a bag.) Tom: "I packed the diapers. I'm gettin' the juice boxes and the carrot sticks..." Lynette: "Sunscreen?" Tom: "Got it. I'll go pick up the boys, we'll hit the park. And that should give you a good couple of hours..." (They kiss.) Tom: "Enjoy the vacation!" (Lynette leans back in her chair and gives Tom a look. Not a nasty look, just a look.) Tom: "What?" Lynette: "While you're gone, I'll be here, paying bills and sorting laundry and cooking dinner, so what part of that sounds like a vacation?" Tom: "Okay, right. You know what? We'll pick up dinner, and, you just take a hot bath, relax. Recharge." (Lynette smiles, her gaze continuing on Tom, and she puts her leg up on the table.) Tom: "Okay, I get it. It's gonna take more than a hot bath to recharge, but, uh, don't forget: I'm here all week!" Lynette: "Then what?"
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Tom: "Then we go back to normal?" Lynette: "Tom, our last version of normal had me popping pills. Normal is a bad, bad plan." Tom: "Okay, so we'll put our heads together and we'll come up with a solution." Lynette: "I think we need to hire a nanny. Full time. " Tom: "It's just...it's a big, big commitment." Lynette: "I know. And I know we can't afford it. And I know everything that's happened is my fault. But, if I don't get some help, there's an excellent chance, I will lose my mind." Tom: "Okay. Well, then we have to make it work." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Andrew's Swim Meet] (Andrew horses around with his friends. Rex and Bree are in the stands, watching him.) Bree: "It's just not right." Rex: "What?" Bree: "A woman is in a coma, because of Andrew. And there he is, happy as a clam!" Rex (exhales): "Well, we grounded him, we took away the TV in his room. How many more ways do you want to punish him?" (Bree turns to look at Andrew, who's put his swimming cap on, gotten on the diving board, and is ready. The buzzer sounds, and he dives into the pool.) Bree: "I think we should make him quit the swim team." Rex: "Bree, this is the one thing in his life that he's passionate about!" Bree: "Well, maybe if we take it away from him, then he'll start to understand what he did! He has not shown an ounce of remorse since the accident." Rex: "Of course he feels bad! He's just, you know, keeping up a facade." Bree: "Well, he's doing a fabulous job!" Rex: "Look, if we take him off the swim team, he'll lose his shot at an athletic scholarship, and then he's never going to forgive us!" Bree: "Well, if it insures he grows up with some trace of humanity, then that's a risk I'm willing to take!" Rex: "Well, I'm not." Bree: "Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!" (Bree and Rex have faced off against each other, ignoring the swimming. The man in front of them glances back at them briefly before turning his attention back to the meet.) Rex: "Well, isn't that nice." Bree: "It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me." Rex: "He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!" (The whistle blows and the audience begins to clap.) Bree (to the man in front of them): "What just happened?" Man: "That kid you both love so much just won the race." (Bree looks at Andrew, who's slapping high-fives with other teammates, and she and Rex both start clapping.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Preparations are being made for the fashion show when Gabrielle walks in, coming up to John.) Gabrielle: "John!" John: "My mom said you needed volunteers, so, I'm volunteering." Gabrielle: "Oh! Finally got the charity bug?" John: "You sound surprised."
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Gabrielle: "No, not really. You were always a giver." John: "Would you knock it off? My mom's right over there." Gabrielle: "Have a seat. You can start by helping us alphabetize the donation cards." (She hands them to him. He sits down and starts going through the box. She sits down across from him.) Gabrielle: "So word on the street is you and Danielle might break up." John: "Maybe. I don't know." Gabrielle: "Is that because of me?" John: "Not everything is about you." (Gabrielle takes her foot out of her shoe and then puts it on John's inner thigh and pushes forward.) John (jumps): "Would you stop that!" Gabrielle: "Have you been thinking about me?" John: "No." Gabrielle: "Really?" (John gulps.) Gabrielle: "Could have fooled me." (Susan walks in the room and goes up to Helen, who's working at the other end of the table.) Susan: "Hey, do you need any help?" Helen: "Please, just pull up a chair." (Helen spills papers on the floor.) Helen: "Oh, gosh." Susan: "Oh, that's okay. I've got it." (Susan looks under the table and sees Gabrielle's foot massaging John's thigh. She bumps her head on the table.) Susan: "Ow! Oh!" (She comes out from underneath the table and looks down to where Gabrielle and John are seated, apparently oblivious to each other.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle comes down her stairs to answer the door. Susan is there.) Gabrielle: "Susan, hi! Do you want to help with the seating cards?" Susan: "Sure. Do you want to tell me why you had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?" Gabrielle: "Oh, that! Uh... He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking, and from your angle, it must have looked a little weird." Susan: "You're sleeping with him, aren't you?" (Gabrielle quickly comes out to join Susan on the porch, closing the door behind her.) Gabrielle: "Okay, yes, but you have to promise not to tell anybody." Susan: "Gabrielle, he's in high school, and, it's illegal, and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him." Gabrielle: "It's just sex, it's totally harmless." Susan: "How can you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Karl?" Gabrielle: "This isn't about you." Susan: "Yes it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved. When Karl ran off with Brandy, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I, I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?" Gabrielle: "Whh--How can compare me to Karl? It's not fair. You have no idea what my life is like."
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Susan: "Well, why don't you enlighten me? You're beautiful, you have more money than you could spend, and you have a husband who adores you!" Gabrielle: "No, he doesn't adore me. He adores having me." Susan: "That's a rationalization and you know it! See you at the show." (She leaves with Gabrielle looking after her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House] (Lynette is putting Baby Scavo into her car seat. Bree stands by the car, talking with Lynette.) Bree: "How many nannies did you interview?" Lynette: "Ten. Ten! Each one more incompetent than the last. One actually asked me--here you go (she gives the bottle to the baby)--if she was expected to change diapers." Bree: "Oh, good nannies are so hard to find." Lynette: "Yeah, that's why I was hoping to take advantage of your expertise." Bree: "Oh Lord, what do you want me to do?" Lynette: "All your rich friends have nannies. A-list nannies. I need to catch one--here you go--without their bosses." Bree: "Why?" Lynette: "So I can poach me one." Bree: "Lynette..." Lynette: "Look, at my old job, we didn't wait for good people to come to us. We went out and raided other companies. I don't see why it should be different when you're hiring a nanny." Bree: "I understand that good help is hard to find, but stealing a family's nanny is so...unseemly." Lynette: "I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer, why shouldn't a qualified person reap the benefits? So come on...where can I score some high grade nanny?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] (John is putting supplies in his truck when Gabrielle walks up to him.) John: "Hey, Mrs. Solis. I have some awesome news." Gabrielle: "I have some not-so-awesome news, so you go first." John: "I broke it off with Danielle. I passed her a note during French class. So we can be together." Gabrielle: "John, your timing is impeccable." John: "What do you mean?" Gabrielle: "Susan Mayer saw us last night, and she knows everything." (John sighs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside of Bree's House] (Bree closes the trunk to her minivan and walks to the front lawn with some fertilizer. Andrew, in his second-story bedroom, has the window open and leans outside. He catches sight of Bree. She looks up and sees him and starts inside.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Since the accident, Bree had started to worry that her son's sense of morality was going up in smoke." (Andrew quickly pulls his head back into the room and starts cleaning up the remnants of something he was smoking.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was right to be concerned." )Bree knocks on the door.) Bree: "Andrew, can I come in?"
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(Andrew waves the air.) Andrew: "Uh, yeah, just a sec." (He opens the door.) Andrew: "Hey, what's up?" Bree: "Why are you smiling?" Andrew: "Ummm.. It's just a joke that I heard." Bree: "Oh. What was it about?" Andrew: "It's kind of dirty, Mom." Bree: "Charming. What I was wondering was if you've bothered to spend any time reflecting on the reasons that you've been grounded, and all the pain that you've caused the Solis family." Andrew: "Yeah, I, I totally get how actions have affected, like, everything else." Bree: "Really?" Andrew: "Uh-huh. Like, I mean, you know, like, when I do something, like I did. And, you know, you guys do something like you did, which is, which is, you know, cool because uh, then everything just kind of balances itself out, and, and goes all, smooth again, you know?" Bree: "No, I don't." (She pauses and sniffs the air.) Bree: "What's that smell? Have you been smoking marijuana?" (Bree grabs his head and stares at Andrew's eyes.) Andrew: "No. Of course not." Bree: "You are strung out!" Andrew: "No! No, no, no, Mom" Bree: "Excuse me," (She storms past him out of the room, leaving Andrew standing there speechless with his hands out in front of him. She goes to the kitchen, searching in the cabinets for something.) (Bree returns with a plastic cup. She hands it to him.) Andrew: "What's that?" Bree: "It's the container you'll be urinating into." (She grabs him by the ear and starts dragging him.) Andrew: "Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Paul stands at the sink, scrubbing at bloody clothing in a wash basin. The blood is not coming out He throws the clothing into a garbage bag when somebody knocks at the door.) Paul: "Dr. Sicher, what are you doing here?" Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I, I didn't want to upset you by telling you over the phone." Paul: "What is it?" Dr. Sicher: "Zach is missing from Silvercrest. It happened yesterday evening. We think it happened during the shift change. I know this is difficult to hear. I'm sorry." Paul: "Yeah, well, it's, uh, just been one of those days." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside of John's House] (John and a friend are playing basketball.) Friend: "I still don't get while you're not with Danielle anymore. She looked so slutty at Ray's party." John: "She's not my type, I guess." Friend: "What? Oh, you still hung up on your mysterious married lady? What is it with her, besides the
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obvious, of course?" John: "We talk about real stuff, you know? She doesn't treat me like some lame yard boy." Friend: "But you are a lame yard boy." John: "It's all messed up now, anyway. Her friend found out about us. When it gets out, her husband is going to kill me." Friend: "But on the upside..." (Helen, John's mother, walks outside, unbeknownst to the boys, carrying the trash.) Friend: "...your social status at school is going to explode when people find out you're doing a hot housewife!" John: "Shut up, dude!" (Helen stands there frozen.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] Paul: "Please explain to me how he could just walk out. With the money that I pay you people, I would think you could afford a padlock." Dr. Sicher: "With all due respect, we are not a high security facility. And you have restricted our ability to treat Zach." Paul: "What the hell does that mean?" Dr. Sicher: "You've insisted that we medicate him without psychotherapy. That is a recipe for disaster. Zach is a troubled young man, and he is getting progressively worse." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Zach looks out a window.) Julie: "Hungry?" Zach: "Starving." (She hands him a plate.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Valley View Park] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree had given Lynette the low down on Valley View Park. It was a gathering place for upscale nannies and their young charges. It was Lynette's first time there, and she was determined not to go home alone." (She walks past a nanny blowing bubble gum and reading a magazine.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, Lynette had high standards, so making a connection..." (She walks past a nanny picking several French fries up off the ground, about to eat them.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...wasn't easy. Still, she was desperate to find that special someone..." (She walks past an older nanny with a popsicle in her hand, asleep on the bench, quietly snoring.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And that's exactly who she found." (Lynette stops behind the bench of a young nanny with two children in front of her.) Claire: "Okay. All-righty. Here's one for you and one for Amy." (She gives the girl a kiss.) Claire: "All right. Have fun..." she winks, "...and I'll be right here if you need me, okay?" (The children run off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"From the moment she saw her..." Lynette: "Is this seat taken?" Claire: "Nope, go ahead." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...Lynette knew she had to have her."
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Lynette: "You know, I couldn't help but notice how wonderful you are with those children." Claire: "Thanks." Lynette: "I'm Lynette." Claire: "Claire." Lynette: "Claire? I've always loved that name. So Claire..."( She laughs.) "Do you come here often?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Golf Course] (Rex is walking toward his golf ball on the course. A golf cart with Bree in it approaches Rex on the course. She gets out and walks toward him. She hands him a plastic container with a yellow liquid.) Rex: "What's this?" Bree: "Your son's urine." Rex (to his golf partner): "I'm gonna need a moment," Bree: "I think Andrew has been smoking marijuana, so I want you to take this and get it tested right away." Rex: "Why?" Bree: "Because I want you to pull him from the swim team and I don't think you'll allow it without proof." Rex: "Proof or no proof, you're not going to take him off the team." Bree: "Yes, I am." Rex: "If you try, I'm going to go to the coach and tell him to ignore you. We're not gonna screw up Andrew's future just because he sparked a doobie! I mean, come on, we've all done it!" Bree: "Not all of us! Rex, I thought you moved back home to try and straighten Andrew out! To, to teach him the consequences of his actions. I don't understand why you're fighting me on this." Rex: "Because I disagree. Because we're still getting divorced, and I don't have to let you push me around anymore." Bree: "I never pushed you around. We always made our decisions together." Rex: "No, you always made decisions, and tell me I agreed. Eighteen years of smiling and taking it. What, what a liar I was! Thank God you're out of my life!" Bree: "Rex!" Rex: "Hmmm?" (He turns.) (She throws Andrew's urine all over Rex.) Rex: "What the hell are you doing?" Bree: "The same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage." (She gets back in the golf cart.) Rex: "You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Valley View Park] Lynette: "So your boss made you return her underwear?" Claire: "Yep. After she had already worn 'em once." Lynette: "Couldn't you have just said no?" Claire: "You don't say no to Alexis. If you want to keep your job." Lynette: "She sounds awful." Claire: "What can I do? I love the kids." Lynette: "Well, if we had a nanny like you at my house, we would treat her like gold. Did I mention I have four very loveable kids?" Claire: "Really." Lynette: "Oh, yes."
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(Claire becomes upset suddenly and starts packing up the items around her.) Claire: "Oh no." Lynette: "What?" Claire: "It's Alexis. I don't want her to get the wrong idea, so you should go." Lynette: "Are you going to be here tomorrow? I want to see you again." Claire: "No, I'm busy." Lynette: "I just want to talk." Claire: "Lynette, this isn't right." Lynette: "Claire, Claire, please." (Claire pulls a business card out of her purse and gives it to Lynette.) Claire: "All right. I will be at this address until noon tomorrow. Now go!" (Lynette leaves and Claire picks up her items to meet Alexis.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (Susan is sitting on a wicker sofa on her front lawn, painting. John walks toward her.) Susan: "What are you doing here?" John: "I know you know, and you're probably freaking out, so I just wanted to explain. What me and Mrs. Solis have -- it's deep -- you know. We've got a future, it's not just sex." Susan: "Listen to me. There is no future for you and Gabrielle. She's not going to divorce Carlos and run away with you." John: "Why not?" Susan: "Because he has money. A lot of it." John: "Look, I'm not going to be mowing lawns forever. I have big plans for my life." Susan (stands up): "Okay. Just stop talking. John, how old are you?" John: "Almost eighteen." Susan: "Exactly. You are not mature enough to have a realistic perspective on this relationship. You would be so much happier with a girl your own age." John: "She's the one I want. You know, I really love her." (Susan sighs and caresses John's face.) (Across the street, Helen sits in her car, watching.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fashion Show] (As a woman walks down the runway, Tom Scavo is the runway announcer.) Tom: "Please welcome Mrs. Arlene Norn. We have Arlene and her husband Norris to thank for all our folding chairs this evening. So, please remember for all your folding chair needs...rent Norn's." (In the back, Gabrielle helps Betty into a tight dress.) Tom: "Next up we have Mrs. Betty Nolan." (Gabrielle pushes Mrs. Nolan towards the stage and turns back to the rest of the back stage.) Gabrielle: "Thank god, Tom could fill in at the last minute." Bree: "Why did Carlos have to back out?" Gabrielle: "Some work emergency. He wouldn't talk about it. Sometimes I could just kill him." Lynette: "Well, look on the bright side, Tom's having the time of his life." (She peeks out onto the runway where Betty scampers off stage and Tom turns his head to watch her go.) Tom: "Hands off, fellas. She's all mine." Lynette: "I guess he does have a sort of dorky charm."
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Gabrielle: "Okay, you're up first, followed by Lynette, uh, and then Edie...Edie. Where's Edie Britt?" (Edie walks in.) Edie: "Over here..." (The black dress Mrs. Huber was supposed to wear is now on Edie, but it's been cut down to reflect Edie's style.) Gabrielle: "Edie, what did you do to that dress?" Edie: "Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?" Gabrielle: "Yes!" Edie (curtsies): "Good." Susan: "Sorry I'm late." Lynette: "You should never take this dress off for your entire life!" Susan: "Really? I look okay?" Bree: "Oh, Susan, you look so gorgeous." (She turns to Edie.) "Doesn't she, Edie?" Edie: "Huh. It's a bit much." Bree: "Gabrielle, you have to change the lineup. Susan has to go last. Nothing is going to top this." Susan: "Oh no, isn't Helen Rowland going last?" Lynette: "Oh, she never showed up, somebody's got to take her place." Gabrielle: "You know, I think that's a great idea! Okay, let's go!" (The others walk away and Gabrielle steps up to Susan.) Gabrielle: "You really do look fantastic." (Gabrielle smiles at Susan, almost painfully. Susan walks away without saying a word.) Tom: "Next up, we have Mrs. Bree Van de Kamp in a pink party dress with laser-cut full skirt and silk belt. And here is another exquisite ball gown by Halston, modeled by the devastatingly sexy Lynette Scavo. Notice the fine detail, the clean lines. The dress is nice too. Next up, please welcome Edie..." (Cheers and whistles from the crowd as Tom falters.) Tom: "...Brit. Edie Britt!" (Helen walks in and hands her dress to a young man in a black T-shirt.) Helen: "Please tell Gabrielle I'm sorry I backed out of the show. I'm just not in a very festive mood right now." Susan: "Helen, Helen, you're here! Did they tell you about the change in lineup? I'm going to go last if that's okay." Helen: "There's a special place in hell for people like you." Susan: "I'm sorry, it wasn't my decision." (Helen slaps Susan hard.) Helen: "You're an adult, take some responsibility!" Susan: "What is wrong with you?" (Helen shoves Susan backwards.) (On the runway, Edie steps forward provocatively, and eases out of the long black jacket she was wearing, revealing that the dress she's wearing doesn't cover much.) Tom: "Edie is wearing a dignified classic, perfect for a Sunday tea or Christenings." (The catfight continues backstage.) Susan: "Oh! Ow! For God's sake, Helen, this is for charity!" (On stage, Edie turns around and begins walking back.) Tom: "Edie Brit, everyone!" (Backstage, Helen reaches down and rips off the bottom of Susan's dress.) Helen: "Keep your hands off my son!" Susan: "What?"
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(On stage...) Tom: "And, uh, finally, to cap off our evening..." (A guy in a black t-shirt approaches Susan.) Guy: "Come on, you're up." (He drags Susan to where she has to make her entrance.) Susan: "I thought that..." Tom: "...please welcome, Susan Mayer!" (Susan is pushed into the spotlight. She cowers, her hands on her thighs, leaning forward ungainly.) (All the ladies stare. Edie chuckles quietly.) Gabrielle: "Tom, say something!" Tom (looks at his note cards): "A vision in white silk, chiffon..." (Susan takes small steps forward, her hands gathering the dangling part of her dress to cover her thighs. Her right shoe dangles awkwardly.) Tom: "...with gold, hand-painted French lace, and lavender..." (Susan attempts a small smile as her friends start the applause, and the audience kindly joins in.) Tom: "Susan Mayer." (Then Susan turns and hurries out.) Edie: "She's never looked better!" (She laughs.) (Backstage, a very quiet Susan is putting her clothing back on.) Gabrielle: "Susan, I feel awful about what happened. Susan, talk to me!" Susan: "Okay, you want me to talk? You're going to find Helen Rowland, and you're going to tell her the truth, before everyone in this neighborhood thinks that I'm the one sleeping with an underage boy." Gabrielle: "I can't do that!" Susan: "Why not?" Gabrielle: "Because she'll tell Carlos, and he'll divorce me!" Susan: "So what? You obviously don't love him." Gabrielle: "I do love him! I do! It's just complicated! You know, there's, there's got to be another way to fix this." Susan: "God, you are so weak!" (Susan turns to leave.) Gabrielle: "Susan, don't be like this!" Susan: "What did you expect-a hug?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Alexis' House] (Lynette walks to the house where Claire told her to be. The house has a lot of toys in the front. Claire comes running out the front door.) Lynette: "Hey." Claire: "Shhh." Lynette: "...I took..." Claire: "Alexis is still here." Lynette: "What?" Claire: "She was supposed to go to Pilates, but she got her period. You've got to go." Lynette: "Just give me a second." Claire: "No, she saw you at the park. okay? She knows what you're trying to do. You're not the first person to approach me."
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Alexis: "Claire!" Lynette: "How can you stay here after the way she treats you?" Claire: "She can be tough, but it comes with the territory, right?" Lynette: "I would never treat you that way." Alexis: "Claire, what did you do with the aspirin?" Lynette: "I will give you a 20% bump on what she is paying you, plus overtime." Alexis" "Damn it, Claire, where the hell are you?" Claire: "I don't take orders from your friends, I'm not a telephone answering service, and I don't do laundry." Lynette: "Dishes?" Claire: "Only the kids'." Lynette: "How fast can you pack?" (They shake on it. Claire goes back inside and Lynette runs back to her van, doing a little dance as she does so.) Lynette: "I've got a nanny..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Julie empties out a wooden chest on her bed. Dollars and coins fall out.) Julie: "Where are you gonna go?" Zach: "I don't know. But I can't go home." Julie: "Are you afraid of your dad?" Zach: "No, it's not him, all right? It's, it's me. My life is really messed up. It's bad." Julie: "What's bad? You can tell me." (She puts her hand on his arm and he flinches away.) Zach: "No, I can't! It's better that you don't know." (Julie walks to her dresser and removes the blanket with the word "Dana" on it. She shows it to him.) Julie: "I already know a little." (She hands the blanket to Zach. He touches the blanket, looking at the word "Dana." and starts to tear up.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Bree walks outside to meet her daughter, who's coming up the walk.) Bree: "Hi, Danielle, how was school?" Danielle. "It was okay." Bree: "Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Locker Room] (Bree is in the boy's locker room adjacent to the pool. She walks up to a locker and looks at a laminated list she's holding. It reads "Numbers of Relevance" and includes both Andrew's and Danielle's school locker combinations. She opens his locker. Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree had resorted to extreme measures to save her son's soul. As she rummaged through Andrew's private possessions..." (Bree finds the marijuana stuffed into a sock. She puts it in her purse.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it occurred to her that sometimes a little betrayal is good for the soul." (Bree puts the marijuana back where she found it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Julie and Zach sit by her bed in her room.)
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Zach: "I was really young, like four. I heard my mom and my dad yelling. I heard them yell my name and hers." Julie: "Dana?" Zach: "Um hm. So I went down to the room, and I saw them cleaning it up." Julie: "Cleaning what up?" Zach: "Blood." Julie: "Was it Dana's?" Zach: "I think so. I couldn't remember this for the longest time. And then my mom killed herself and I started having these dreams. I don't even see Dana. I just, I see, I see the blood, and my mom picking me up, and putting, putting me on the bed, and whispering that it's not my fault. But after that, every time I'd say her name, they'd get upset. I wasn't even allowed to say it anymore." Julie: "I'm not sure I understand what you're saying." Zach: "I killed my baby sister." Julie: "Zach. Oh my god." Zach: "And they buried her. To protect me." (Julie leans forward and hugs Zach. And then he leans forward and kisses her lightly on the lips.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Helen Rowland's House] (Gabrielle parks her car across from the house and walks up to Helen, who's just come outside.) Gabrielle: "Helen! Do you have a minute?" Helen: "Oh, Gabrielle, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I was about what happened at the fund-raiser. I didn't intend to cause a scene." Gabrielle: "No, it's okay, people didn't even notice." Helen: "Well, this is a little awkward. I know you are friends with Susan Mayer. But let's just say. I had my reasons." Gabrielle: "It wasn't Susan. It was me." Helen: "What?" Gabrielle: "I'm the one who was sleeping with your son. I'm so sorry." Helen: "For how long?" Gabrielle: "Almost a year. But it's over now." Helen: "So, when it started, he was sixteen?" Gabrielle: "I think..." (Helen reaches into her mail box and takes out the mail.) Gabrielle: "But Helen, you have to believe me. It's over now." Helen: "No, you're wrong. it's not even close to being over." (She turns away and walks back up to her door.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[School] Andrew's friend: "Dude, coach wants to see you." Andrew: "Really? Hey, I bet it's about my scholarship." (Andrew walks into the locker room. His locker is open, with the coach standing next to it. The bag of marijuana is in plain sight. The coach takes it out and waves it in front of Andrew's face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree's arranging flowers when the phone rings.) Bree: "Hello? Yes, this is she... Marijuana in his locker? Oh, I'm just...horrified. There must be some sort of
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terrible mistake. Um, yeah, okay. Well, I will be right down." (Bree finishes arranging the flowers and smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lender's Shop] (A man sands down a box.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Elsewhere, another darker secret was the object of an investigation." (A man in a dark suit walks in.) Detective Beckerman (shouting): "Mr. Lender! Mr. Lender!" Mr. Lender: "Huh?" (He turns off the saw and turns around.) Detective Beckerman: "Detective Beckerman. This is Detective Burnett. We were hoping for a minute of your time." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nighttime; Outside Susan's House] (Susan walks up to her house. She sees Paul talking to Julie and she walks hurriedly up to them.) Paul: "...if you know anything about Zach's whereabouts, you need to tell me now." Susan: "Honey, what's going on?" Paul: "Zach's gone from Silvercrest. They found letters in his room. Letters from Julie." Susan: "Well, yes, they were writing to each other." Paul: "I need to see those letters." Julie: "Mom, they're private." Paul: "My son is missing." Susan: "Julie, in the letters, did Zach say anything about running away?" Julie: "No." Susan: "There's your answer." Paul: "Susan." Susan: "If we hear anything, I will let you know right away. I understand how worried you must be." Paul: "Obviously you don't." Susan: "Paul, my daughter doesn't lie." (Paul walks away and Susan rubs Julie's hand reassuringly. Julie looks at her, worried.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Detective's Office] (Mr. Lender looks through photos of the recovered box Paul threw into the river.) Mr. Lender: "This is a very popular design. I must have sold several hundred of these just like it, about ten years back." Detective Beckerman: "You keep any kind of documentation?" Mr. Lender: "Yeah, I have a list of customers names on file. Somewhere. It's been a while." Detective Burnett: "We'll need a copy of that list." Mr. Lender: "Oh, sure. Wow, this chest looks like it's been through hell." Detective Beckerman: "Yeah, we pulled it out of Rockwater Lake. You could say 'by way of hell', considering." Mr. Lender: "Was there anything in the chest?" Detective Burnett: "It had a body inside. Adult female." Mr. Lender: "Yeah, but how do you fit a body into a chest that size?" Detective Beckerman: "It was chopped up." (He walks away from a wall where many photographs are of the box and its contents. As the camera pulls away, gruesome forensic pictures of chopped up bones, both stuffed in the box, and laid out on a table, are
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seen in the photos.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree gets dinner on the table while Rex berates Andrew.) Rex: "Of all the stupid, boneheaded decisions. What were you thinking?" Andrew: "I was set up. All right? The coach got an anonymous phone call." Rex: "Andrew, what does it matter. The pot was there!" Andrew: "I was holding it for a friend!" Rex: "You know, I can't decide which is more humiliating. The fact that my son got caught with pot in his locker, or that he can't even come up with a decent enough lie to explain it!" (He walks away. Andrew shakes his head and goes to look at his mother. Bree, setting the table, looks back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Carlos is going through papers.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gabrielle believed there was an excellent chance Helen Rowland would inform Carlos of his wife's extramarital activities. Gabrielle knew she had to come clean." Gabrielle: "Carlos." Carlos: "Yeah." Mary Alice Voiceover:"But coming clean..." Gabrielle: "I uh." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...was not one of Gabrielle's specialties." Gabrielle: "I'm going to bed." Carlos: "Thanks for the news flash." (Gabrielle sees police cars pull up in front of the house, lights flashing.) (She gasps.) Gabrielle (quietly): "She turned me in." (She rushes back to her husband and falls on her knees in front of him.) Gabrielle: "Carlos! Carlos! I am so sorry! I am so sorry!" Carlos: "Sorry for what?" Gabrielle: "Just know that whatever happens, I love you very, very much!" (Knocking is heard on the door.) FBI: "FBI, open the door." (Knocking is again heard on the door.) Carlos: "Oh my God..." FBI: "FBI, if you do not open the door, I am authorized to enter the premises by use of force." (Carlos opens the door.) FBI: "Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest. You have the right to remain silent." Gabrielle: "Huh?" FBI: "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." Carlos: "Call our lawyer." FBI: "You have the right to speak with an attorney, or have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you at government expense." (One of the FBI men hands Gabrielle a piece of paper.) Gabrielle: "Carlos, wait!" Carlos: "Gabrielle, this will all be taken care of, I promise. I'm innocent, I swear to God. It was Tanaka. He set me up."
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(He's put into the back of the police car and is driven off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"People are complicated creatures. On the one hand, able to perform great acts of charity." (Remnants of the fashion show are swept up.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"On the other, capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal." (Carlos sits quietly in a jail cell.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's a constant battle that ranges within all of us, between the better angels of our nature, and the temptation of our inner demons." (Bree walks down the hallway, holding laundry. She comes to Andrew's room, where she stops to look in. Andrew is sitting on his bed, crushing out in an ashtray something he was smoking. He gets off the bed and closes the door in Bree's face.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And sometimes the only way to ward off the darkness..." (Julie, lying on her bed, looks down at Zach, who's sleeping on the floor.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...is to shine the light of compassion." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is sitting quietly on her front porch. Susan comes up to her and sits down.) Gabrielle: "They took him away in handcuffs." (Susan puts her arm around Gabrielle, trying to soothe her.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1x10 - Come Back To Me -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"... Paul:Zach's gone from Silvercrest. Julie:Hungry? Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes... Lynette:If I don't get some help, I will lose my mind.Where can I score some high-grade nanny? Mary Alice Voiceover:No matter how hard you try... FBI:FBI. Open the door.Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest. Mary Alice Voiceover:Some problems... Maisy:I-I'm sorry. And you are? Bree:I take it you've met Maisy Gibbons. Lynette:She's a total nightmare. Bree:Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom. Bree:You are unhappy with our sex life.You're not getting something from me,but you're simply too afraid to ask. Mary Alice Voiceover:...can't be easily solved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Maisy Gibbons's House] (A hand picks up a hairbrush. The camera pans up to show that Maisy Gibbons is sitting in front of a mirror,
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brushing her hair.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"To understand Maisy Gibbons, you first need to know how she spent her afternoons." (Maisy drives by in a BMW SUV, waving to Susan and Bree, who are standing outside, talking. They wave back.) "Mary Alice Voiceover:Her mornings were spent running errands for her husband. Her evenings were spent washing dishes and helping with homework." (Maisy, with rubber gloves on, loads the dishwasher, then walks over to the kitchen table, where her young daughter is doing homework.) Maisy: "Okay, so nine plus one is..." Mary Alice Voiceover:"But her afternoons, well, they were spent in the company of men." (While Mary Alice speaks, Maisy is shown opening up her front door on various days, smiling beautifully as she welcomes all types of men into her home.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Frustrated. Misunderstood. Lonely men. Willing to pay money to feel a little less lonely. And Maisy Gibbons was willing to help them." (Maisy turns from her mirror as one of her customers speaks as he finishes getting dressed. She begins making the bed.) Customer: "Maisy, I've always wondered, Nobody knows about your little hobby, do they?" Maisy: "Mm-mm." Customer: "Is it hard? Keeping a secret like this?" Maisy: "Well, maybe if it was just my secret. But the way I see it, I keep the secrets of every man who comes to me. And I find that absolutely exhilarating. A few years back, Harold lost his job, and we had to give up our membership at the country club. And then one day one of my club friends asked why she hadn't seen me around lately, and I told her that we couldn't afford it anymore. She waved it off like it was nothing. But I saw her...get that look in her eye, that look of...pity." Customer: "Maybe she was just trying to be nice. Anyway, is that so bad, feeling sorry for someone?" Maisy: "When they say something, they are being supportive. But when they say nothing, it's because they think that you're so far gone you're never coming back." Customer: "Gotcha." Maisy: "Anyway, a couple of months later, I started my little hobby...and the most wonderful thing happened. This woman's husband became one of my regulars." Customer: "Wow." (The doorbell rings.) Maisy: "Oh, would you be a lamb and go out the back? It's my next appointment." Customer: "Sure." Maisy: "It's the husband of the woman I was telling you about." (Maisy opens up the front door, smiling.) Maisy: "Hello there." Rex: "Hey, Maisy." (He steps inside, kissing her on her cheek as she closes the front door.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Courtroom] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Every morality play has its cast of characters. There is always an innocent victim..." (Gabrielle sits in the courtroom, looking worried.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a deceitful villain..."
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(Carlos, in an orange jail outfit, sits at a table with his lawyer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a prosecutor who seeks the truth..." (A no-nonsense woman in a business suit sits at the other table in the courtroom, an open laptop in front of her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a magistrate that dispenses justice..." (The judge, Judge Sullivan, takes a file someone hands her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and a lawyer who charges too much." (Carlos's lawyer looks through some papers in front of him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"This morality play was being produced at the Fairview County Courthouse. Its themes were trust and betrayal." Judge Sullivan: "So, what's your issue with bail in this case, Ms. McCready? Ms. McCready: "We want bail denied, your honor. The defendant's company imported goods manufactured by slave labor, and his business partner, Mr. Tenaka, has already fled the country. And Mr. Solis, himself, has refused to surrender his passport." Judge Sullivan: "Dog ate your client's passport, Mr. Hartley?" Mr. Hartley: "It's been temporarily misplaced, your honor, but we maintain that Akisha Tenaka set up and executed the entire operation. Mr. Solis is no business partner, but merely a hired contractor. And I'd also like to point out that my client is the sole provider of his wife, and his mother, who is hospitalized in a coma as we speak." Judge Sullivan: "Bring me the passport, and Mr. Solis can visit his mother. Until then, your client is denied bail and remanded. What's next?" (She bangs down her gavel, and Carlos is escorted from the courtroom by a bailiff. He looks at Gabrielle as he leaves. Gabrielle hangs her head.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Lynette: "You better finish those brussel sprouts. And don't think I can't see them hidden under your macaroni." Twin: "I hate brussel sprouts." Lynette: "Yeah? Well, brussel sprouts help you grow. You don't want to be short your whole life, do you? Here, look, you know what we'll do? We're gonna dip them in a little cheese. Here you go. Good, yummy!" (He spits it out.) (The boys get up from the table to run off.) Lynette: "Fine, fine. Be three-foot-eight the rest of your life. See if I care. Good luck finding girlfriends!" (Claire walks in.) Claire: "Hey, didn't you have a lunch today?" Lynette: "I'm going to cancel it. The boys are in rare form, and you're still finding your way." Claire: "Lynette. It's been two days." Lynette: "I...don't want to...shock them, by suddenly disappearing. You know? Deep down, they're very sensitive." (The two of them look at the boys who are ignoring the women as they throw their toys around.) Claire: "They'll be fine. Now go. Get out of here." Lynette: "You have my cell phone number. You call me if you need anything." Claire: "I will." Lynette: "Okay. You boys. Come here and give mamma a three-bear hug." (They come running.) Lynette: "Come on, one, two, three, get in, get in!"
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Bear 1: "Bye, mom!" Bear 2: "Bye, mom!" Bear 3: "Bye!" Lynette: "Okay." (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Julie spoons Chinese food from a take-out container onto a plate. Off-camera, Mike and Susan can be heard flirting.) Mike: "Just, watch your hands..." Julie: "Um, I'm going to eat upstairs. I've got a ton of homework." Susan: "What are you, storing up for winter?" Julie: "I'm just...really hungry. Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up." Susan: "Oh, how awful!" Julie: "Mom, you're smiling." Susan: "Am I? Hmm." Julie: "Anyway, because of all the drama, he can't take me this weekend, so...I'll be home after all. Good night!" (She runs upstairs with her food, leaving Mike and Susan alone.) Susan: "Oh great, our romantic weekend is off." Mike: "We could move it to my house." Susan: "No." Mike: "Why not?" Susan: "I just, I just want it to be special." Mike: "And it can't be special at my house." Susan: "Okay. I know this sounds weird, but I just need to have my things around me." Mike: "What things?" Susan: "Perfumes and oils. And I want to pick out the outfit that you are going to tear off me. And plus, I need to be in complete control of the lighting." Mike: "Okay, we'll wait until next weekend." Susan: "You are just the sweetest guy." (She leans over to kiss him, and they end up kissing for a long, extended time.) Mike: "I can't wait 'til next weekend." Susan: "No, me neither." Mike: "What about tomorrow when Julie's at school? I've got an early job and that's it." Susan: "Oh, no good. My publisher's got me under the gun for something. What about Friday?" Mike: "Mmm. I'm repiping the house." Susan: "Damn, Karl, I'm not even married to him anymore and he's still keeping me from having sex." (She stabs her food with her fork.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Julie's Room] (Zach eats the food Julie brought him.) Julie: "I can't hide you in my room forever, and I think we need to tell my mom. You can trust her, I promise." Zach: "You didn't tell her what I told you, did you?" Julie: "No! No, no. I would never tell anyone that." (Zach gets up.)
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Julie: "What are you doing? Zach: "I don't want to cause problems for you. I'm just, I'm just going to go." Julie: "Zach, stop. Don't go. I won't tell her." Zach: "I swear, I'll be out of here soon. I'll think of something, okay?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is playing solitaire, dressed for bed. Rex comes into the house.) Bree: "Hello." Rex: "Why are you up?" Bree: "I could ask you the same question." Rex: "I'm going to bed. I didn't ask you to wait up for me. Remember, I'm here as our children's father, not your husband." (Bree picks up the jacket he just took off, and sniffs the collar.) Rex: "What are you doing?" Bree: "Were you with a woman? Did you tell her that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?" Rex: "All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!" Bree: "Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex!" Rex: "Oh, that's not...Bree, you should get out there. Try and meet someone." Bree: "Meet someone. I'm raising your children." Rex: "I am just trying to move on with my life. It is nothing to be ashamed of!" Bree: "Oh, okay. I tell you what then. Why don't you just call up your mystery woman and invite her over. I'll pull out the sofa bed and you can take her right there. Andrew! Danielle! Daddy's gonna fornicate for us!" Rex: "Keep your voice down." Bree: "Why, are you feeling ashamed?" (She pushes past him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. Huber's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning started with a banging." (Edie stands on Mrs. Huber's porch, banging loudly on the door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"No one knew where Martha Huber was, and Edie Britt was starting to worry. Edie didn't like worrying. She felt it gave her wrinkles. So, out of concern for her face and Mrs. Huber, Edie decided to find out what was going on." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Gabrielle rifles quickly through a drawer with papers in it. Finding nothing important, she closes the drawer and finds Yao Lin.) Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, listen to me. It's very important that we find Carlos' passport. I've already looked through his office, so I need you to search the bedroom." (Yao Lin stares at Gabrielle.) Gabrielle: "What?" Yao Lin: "With Mr. Solis in jail, how are you going to pay me? I have children." Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, your kids are in their twenties. If it'll make you shut up..." (Gabrielle writes a check.) Gabrielle: "Here. Three weeks in advance." Yao Lin: "If you don't mind, can I call your bank?"
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Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, don't be stupid. People don't become poor overnight." (Gabrielle looks out the window where a tow truck is hooking her car up to be towed.) Gabrielle: "Huh? That's my car! Oh my god!" (Gabrielle runs outside.) Gabrielle: "Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Where are you taking my car?" Tow guy: "The government is impounding it. Here's your receipt. Call that number if you have any questions." (He drives off. Gabrielle watches it leave and notices some neighbors watching.) Gabrielle: "You call this a paint job?! I don't want to see it again until it's perfect!" (She glances quickly at the couple watching her and then storms into the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree irons shirts while Lynette sits nearby.) Lynette: "I wonder what's going on over there. I mean, Claire did okay with the kids yesterday, but that could have been beginner's luck. Do you think I should call? I should call!" Bree: "Lynette, for the first time in years you finally have some free time, and you're wasting it obsessing about the kids." Lynette: "It's just, I don't know this woman, I mean, not really. So she has a degree in sociology. Well, big deal, who doesn't? My boys are a lot to handle. What if she's not up to it?" Bree: "You know, if you really have that many doubts, you should go buy a hidden camera." Lynette (laughing): "What, a nanny cam?" Bree: "Yeah. People do terrible things when they think no one is watching them." Lynette: "Yeah. I don't really think I could videotape Claire. It would be a breach of trust." Bree: "Trust is overrated." Lynette: "So, how are things with you and Rex?" Bree: "Fine. Why do you ask?" Lynette: "Well, I'm just curious. I mean, he moves out, he moves back in. Is he back for good?" Bree: "Uh, the situation is, um, fluid. I'm not certain what his plans are yet." Lynette: "So if you're not sure he's back for good, why are you ironing his shirts?" Bree: "Because I have faith that he'll come back. And that he'll do the right thing." Lynette: "That's good. It's good to have faith in people." Bree: "Yeah. But I['d still buy that camera." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan licks an envelope and then sees Mike's truck drive by. She gets up and watches him park in his driveway, then go into his house. She smiles.) (Later, dressed in lingerie, Susan calls Mike on the phone.) Mike: "Hello." Susan: "Mike." Mike: "Yeah." Susan: "My oven's out. Mike: "Uh huh." Susan: ''Come over and help my find my pilot light." (She hangs up, then turns on the stereo to the song "Here I Am (Come And Take Me)". As she gets ready for Mike to come over by throwing rose petals on the bed and floor, she sings along, dancing as she sings.) Susan: "Oh, candles, candles!"
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(She goes into Julie's room and grabs some scented candles. As she dances her way out, Zach hides behind the door, unseen by Susan.) (Mike heads out of his house, heading towards Susan's.) (Zach walks down the hallway, but the floor beneath him creaks. Susan hears it.) Susan: "Mike? Mike, is that you? I'm up here!" (Susan gets on the bed and positions herself.) (Mike gets to Susan's house and finds a note taped to the front door reading "Come on in! ") (He smiles and opens the door. Zach, who had just been heading down the stairs, quickly heads back upstairs. When he gets to Susan's open door, he pauses, and the floor beneath him creaks again.) Susan: "Mike?" (Nobody answers, so Susan gets off her bed and quietly goes across her room. Zach creeps back down the hallway. Susan removes a thigh master from her closet and creeps toward her door.) (Zach hides behind a door and Susan comes out of her room, swinging the thigh master furiously, and hitting Mike, who falls backwards.) Susan: "Oh my god!" Mike: "What the hell!" Susan: "I'm so sorry, I thought there was someone in the house." Mike: "So you took your clothes off?" Susan: "No. My clothes were already off. I was going to seduce you." Mike: "It didn't really work." Susan: "Oh, I'm sorry, are you okay?" (She begins kissing his face.) Mike: "Oh..." (When he stops responding, Susan realizes that he's looking past her. She turns around and sees Zach in the doorway, looking at them.) Zach: "Please don't be mad." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House, Later] (Julie comes home from school.) Julie: "Hey, there!" (She notices Zach sitting at the kitchen table with Susan and Mike standing by it.) Julie: "Zach, what are you doing here?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Later that day, while Claire was out getting the boys wired on ice cream, Lynette did some wiring of her own." (Lynette sets up a hidden camera in a big ceramic Mr. Toad. She holds it up to eye-level and smiles. She then places it on the refrigerator. She goes over to a small TV on the counter and turns it on. The image from the camera is shown on the TV.) (Lynette takes a teddy bear and stands in front of the camera, but watches herself on the TV. Gently, she cradles the teddy bear like a baby. Then, holding it at arm's length, she shakes the bear. Then she slaps the bear several times across the face. Then she throws it off to the side, looks directly at the camera, and shrugs, satisfied.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Julie: "No, you can't do this, you can't send Zach back!"
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Susan: "Julie, what else can I do? He can't stay here!" Julie: "His father sent him to a psycho ward!" Zach: "Actually, they call it a rehabilitation center." Susan (to Mike): "What do you think?" Mike: "Paul is his father. He has a right to know his son's okay. And, he finds out you're hiding him, you'll get in a lot of trouble." Susan: "He's right. Sorry, guys!" Julie: "Mom, please don't do this! If you knew what Zach had been through-" Zach: "Julie! Julie. It's okay. I'll be fine." (They hug.) Mike: "I'll, uh, take him back over so you two can..." Susan: "Listen, if Paul sees Zach and freaks out..." Mike: "I'll bring him right back." Susan: "Thank you." (Mike and Zach leave.) Susan: "Young lady, we need to talk about what you did." Julie: "I really don't feel like talking to you right now." (She runs up the stairs.) (Outside, Mike and Zach walk to Paul's house.) Mike: "Uh, listen, Zach. If things ever get really bad..." (hands Zach his business card) "It's got my cell number on it. Give me a call. Any time." Zach: "Thanks!" (He stays on the sidewalk as Mike goes up to the door and knocks. Paul opens the door and sees Zach.) Paul: "Oh, thank god." (He hugs Zach, then turns to Mike.) Paul: "How did you-" Mike: "We'll talk later." (to Zach) "Remember, any time." (He walks off and Zach and Paul go back inside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Maisy's House] (Maisy slowly removes various sexual toys from her drawer. Behind her, sitting in a chair, with his back to her, sits Rex, naked.) Maisy: "I heard you moved back home." Rex: "Yeah, I had to. We had some problems with Andrew. I'll move out eventually." Maisy: "Spikes or pearls?" Rex: "Your choice." (Maisy puts on the pearl collar.) Maisy: "You know what I think?" Rex: "Hmmm?" Maisy: "You don't really want to leave her." Rex: "Please don't psychoanalyze me." Maisy: "You're still in love with her." Rex: "I never said I wasn't." Maisy: "Then why divorce?" Rex: "Oh, so now you're rooting for us two crazy kids to work-" (He turns slightly in his chair to look at her, and she pounds her fist on the dresser. Properly rebuffed, he turns
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back to his original position.) Maisy: "Hey! You know me. I'm just a romantic at heart. Scarves or cuffs?" Rex: "Up to you. Even if I could find a way to deal with Bree's whole obsessive compulsive thing, it's not the only problem in our marriage. As you know, I have certain needs." Maisy: "Boots or stilettos." Rex: "Stilettos, please." Maisy: "Why don't you just tell Bree what you need? Tell her what you want." Rex: "Because she'd say no." Maisy: "So? I've said no to some things you've asked me to do." Rex: "Yeah, that's different. I don't care if you reject me." (Maisy snaps her fingers and Rex drops to the floor, face down.) Maisy: "Rex, won't you trust me on this? Sometimes, when you love somebody, you just got to make sacrifices for them." Rex: "Love or passion? It's an awful choice to make." Maisy: "Yes, it is. And I have to warn you. This might hurt a little bit." (She steps onto his back, wearing the stilettos, and walks slowly on him.) (Rex groans as she walks.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle takes the receipt the tow-truck man gave her and slaps it to Carlos's lawyer's chest.) Gabrielle: "How am I supposed to live without a car?" Lawyer: "Gabrielle, listen. Tanaka is still at large, and they're going to want Carlos to flip on him, so this is their way of playing hardball. Now, I'm guessing that they've not done yet." Gabrielle: "Why? What else could they take from us?" Lawyer: "Pretty much anything. It's all fair game if they even think they can trace it to ill-gotten gains." Gabrielle: "No, no, no. No! Some of this stuff is mine. When I modeled. Before I even met Carlos! See this, costa boda, bought it when I landed my first cover. This, I spent eight hours on a rock in a bikini for that painting!" Lawyer: "I understand how you feel." Gabrielle: "No, you don't understand. I have dug myself up from dirt to afford these things, and no one is going to take them away from me!" Lawyer: "Then I suggest you find yourself a good hiding place. They can't take what they can't find. Oh, and if you could scare up that passport too, that would be good!" (He leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree's doorbell rings. She answers the door to see Gabrielle outside.) Bree: "Oh, hi Gabrielle! What have you got there?" Gabrielle: "My china. I know how you've always loved it, and I thought you might want to borrow it for a while." (She takes the box she's holding and hands it over to Bree.) Bree: "Oh! Well, that's um, very thoughtful of you." Gabrielle: "Say, um, could I store some odds and ends in your garage?" Bree: "Sure! Why don't you, uh, come by tomorrow?" Gabrielle: "Sooner is better than later!" (She rushes off, leaving Bree holding the china.) (For the next while, Gabrielle transfers everything of value from her place to Bree's. When she's done, Bree
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comes over and stands with Gabrielle to look at the garage, which is completely filled now with Gabrielle's belongings.) (Gabrielle smiles at Bree, who smiles back, but she clearly doesn't know what to say.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Maisy's House] (Rex and Maisy are in the throws of passionate love-making, when suddenly Rex begins to make a weird noise.) Maisy: "Rex? Rex? Rex!" (With one hand attached to Rex's via handcuffs, she tries to grab the phone, but she can't reach it. She quickly uses her other hand to make a call.) Maisy: "I need an ambulance. Right away!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is in the garage, looking through Gabrielle's things, when the phone rings.) Bree: "Hello. This is she. Yes, he's my husband." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Bree rushes up to a nurse's station.) Bree: "Um, excuse me, I'm here to see Rex Van de Kamp. Apparently, he had a heart attack. I'm not sure when - " Nurse: "He's being prepped for surgery right now. If you'd like to wait." Bree: "Could I at least poke my head in? I'm his wife." Nurse: "You're his wife?" Bree: "Yes. Why?" Nurse: "I was thinking of a different patient. Let me get the doctor." (She walks off. Bree stares after her, then goes around the desk to look at the nurse's log. She sees Rex's name, then the person who signed Rex in: Maisy Gibbons.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Claire pours some hot water into a cup of tea, then heads for the stairs, turning off the light in the kitchen.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Claire prepared for bed, she was unaware that somewhere else in the Scavo house, the day she had just finished, was starting all over again." (Lynette watches the tape as she lies in bed. Throughout the day, Claire sang to the kids, played puppets with the kids, and made balloon animals. The kids love her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette was relieved to see that Claire was doing a good job. And after further viewing, it dawned on Lynette...Claire might be doing her job...a little too well." (On the videotape, Claire is seen holding her arms out to the boys and saying) "Come give me a three-bear hug!" (The boys all run to hug her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan comes down the stairs to where Julie is reading a book in the living room.) Susan: "Here's the candles I borrowed. Thanks." Julie: "I'm trying to read, so if you don't mind?" Susan: "I cannot believe that after everything you did, you're mad at me." Julie: "I told Zach that he could trust you, and you turned him in." Susan: "Yeah, well, someone had to be responsible, and like it or not, I've got a birth certificate that says I'm
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your mother." Julie: "Since when?" Susan: "What is that supposed to mean?" Julie: "Since dad left, if there's been a mother around here, it's been me!" Susan: "Julie!" Julie: "Do you remember after the divorce that you stayed in bed for a week, and I had to beg you to eat something?" Susan: "Yeah, but..." Julie: "And for weeks, I had to clean the house, I had to make sure that the bills were paid. I even had to schedule my own doctor's appointment once." Susan: "I was in bad shape back then." Julie: "It's still going on. And now that I need some support, you decide to play the mom card?" Susan: "I had to send Zach back. We could have gotten in a lot of trouble." Julie: "Yeah? Well, now Zach's the one who's in trouble. You sent him back to a man who hates him." (She runs up the stairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle comes down the stairs of her house and looks around at the nearly-empty house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Gabrielle considered the vast emptiness of her new surroundings, she was surprised to find there was only one thing she truly missed. Her husband." (The doorbell rings. She goes to answer it.) FBI Agent: "Mrs. Solis, a warrant to enter your house and repossess any goods which we suspect may have been obtained..." (he looks around the empty house) "...illegally." Gabrielle: "We're not into clutter." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette sits on the couch with her three boys. She picks up a children's book from the coffee table and puts on her reading glasses.) Lynette: "All right. "Harvey: The Flying Turtle". Doesn't this look fun!" Porter: "Where's Claire?" Lynette: "I gave her the afternoon off. Who wants to turn pages?" Preston: "Is she sick?" Lynette: "No. She's fine. I just wanted us all to spend the day together, you know, like we used to. Here we go. Once upon a time there was a young turtle named Harvey. Every day Harvey would all tell the other turtles, "One day I'm going to fly off this island and go see the world." The other turtles laughed and said "Turtles can't fly." Oh, it's getting good now, huh?" (She looks at her boys, who sit there sadly.) Lynette: "Well, what's wrong?" Porter: "When Claire reads, she does funny voices." Lynette: "Does she, now? Okay. Harvey didn't like the turtles laughing, so he told them," (speaking in a different voice) " I'll show you. One day I will fly higher than the birds!" Preston: "That's not funny." Lynette: "Yeah, well, I'm just warming up. Then Bruno, the big bad turtle took Harvey up on a cliff and threw him over, and he proclaimed," (speaking in a different voice) "We'll see if you can fly, fly or die, fly or die!" Parker: "When's Claire coming back?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Prison] (Gabrielle sits across a table from Carlos, who's in a bright orange prison uniform. Other inmates and their visitors sit at various other tables in the same room.) Carlos: "What happened to all your nails?" Gabrielle: "Oh, I, I moved all our stuff, to keep it from the feds." Carlos: "It kills me that I'm putting you through this." (They clasp hands.) Guard: "Hands on the table." (They unclasp hands and each lean back into their chairs.) Gabrielle: "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I'll take care of everything until you're back to do it yourself. And you will be soon." Carlos: "I got to be honest. I didn't know how you would hold up. I knew you were a strong woman, but I had no idea. You're a good wife, Gabby. A real partner." Gabrielle: "Oh, Carlos, I love you so much! I would give up a house full of expensive junk just to put this behind us, and have you home with me." Carlos: "That sounds pretty good right now." (By this time, they're both leaning forward. Gabrielle calls out loudly to the guard.) Gabrielle: "I'm going to kiss my husband now!" Guard: "Hands on the table." (They lean forward and begin kissing. After the first kiss, but still in the kissing position, Carlos begins speaking quietly.) Carlos: "There's a false panel on the back wall of the closet. My passport is there, along with some papers. Take the passport to the lawyer, and burn the papers." (They break the kiss. Gabrielle looks at him with a puzzled expression. He motions with his head and puckers his lips so she'll kiss him again. She puts her lips against his.) Gabrielle: "Carlos, did you know what Tanaka was doing?" Carlos: "Just burn the papers." (They break the kiss and Gabrielle stares at Carlos.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House] (Lynette pulls into her driveway and Edie walks up to her.) Edie: "Hey Lynette, did Martha Huber happen to leave a spare key to her house with you?" Lynette: "No." Edie: "Oh!." Lynette: "Where is she, by the way? I haven't seen her in days." Edie: "You've got me. She kicked me out so fast that I forgot my laptop, and there's just some stuff on there that I don't want anyone else to see." Lynette: "Oh. Well. Good luck with that." Edie: "You know, you're not looking half bad. What have you done with that little posse of yours?" Lynette: "They're with the new nanny." Edie: "Wow! Your own personal nanny? Swell you!" Lynette: "Well, trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. You know, our mothers were smart. They didn't get us nannies or put us in day care, because they knew, if they did, we'd find out - there are other women out there who were better mothers than they were!" Edie: "You know, I had a nanny for a while, growing up. Mrs. Muntz." Lynette: "You had a nanny?"
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Edie: "Well, actually, she was more like a court-appointed social worker. My mom did a little time. She had a thing for bourbon and shoplifting." Lynette: "Oh! Sorry." Edie: "Oh, Muntz was a hardass. No mercy. In fact, she was such a disciplinarian, that when my mom made parole, I was actually happy to see her." Lynette: "Really." Edie: "Yeah. Lesser of two evils." Lynette: "Huh." Edie: "Anyway, I've got to find a key. See you later." Lynette: "Bye." (Edie walks off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Mike and Susan talk.) Susan: "Thanks for your help with Zach before." Mike: "Oh, it's my pleasure. I hope he comes out of this okay. He's a little squirrelly, but he seems like a good kid." Susan: "Yeah." (He sits down at the kitchen table where Susan's sitting and hands her a cup of something to drink.) Mike: "So, how's Julie taking all of this?" Susan: "Not well. She accused me of not being a good mother." Mike: "You're a great mom." Susan: "Well, she was sort of right. After my divorce, I really leaned on her a lot." Mike: "Seems natural." Susan: "And I still kinda do it. I just want somebody to talk to about all my adult stuff, and she's right there, and she just acts so mature, I forget she's thirteen." Mike: "Well, the good news is that from now on, if you ever want to talk to somebody about grown-up stuff, you've got me." Susan: "Well, I can't talk to you about everything." Mike: "Oh?" Susan: "What if I want to talk about the big crush I have on the plumber that lives across the street?" Mike: "Big crush, huh?" Susan: "Oh, yeah." Mike: "Well, you'd have to tell me more." Susan: "Well, um, he's got a smile that's to die for, and don't get me started on his tattoo." (She kisses his hand.) Susan: "Thanks." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Maisy's House] (The doorbell rings. Maisy opens it to find Bree on the other side.) Maisy: "Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?" Bree: "Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Paul and Zach sit at the dining room table, eating dinner. Zach picks at his food.) Paul: "Would you like some more potatoes?"
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Zach: "You already asked me that." Paul: "Sorry. I'm so relieved you're safe, I'm not thinking straight." Zach: "Does that mean you're not going to send me back to Silvercrest?" Paul: "You've got to understand. Your behavior, the violence, breaking into the Van de Kamps. I just didn't know what you were going through." Zach: "You could have asked me." Paul: "Well." Zach: "I've been remembering things. Things from when I was little." Paul: "What kind of things?" Zach: "Awful things." Paul: "Zach, listen to me. Sometimes it's not good to look back in the past." Zach: "But I can't help it. These images just keep popping into my head." Paul: "Well, then you've got to find a way to push them back out again." Zach: "Okay." Paul: "More potatoes?" Zach: "Yes, please." Paul: "It sure is nice to be back to normal." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Maisy's House] (Bree and Maisy sit on opposite facing couches in Maisy's living room.) Maisy: "You should know that Rex still loves you very much." Bree: "He said that?" Maisy: "Yes." Bree: "Then why is he so unhappy?" Maisy: "He has certain needs and he's afraid to discuss them with you." Bree: "Needs. Like, sexual needs?" Maisy: "Yes." Bree: "And have you fulfilled those needs?" (Maisy doesn't answer, but instead just smiles.) Bree: "I see." (stands up) "You know, you are pretty brazen for a woman who just admitted, however tacitly, that she just slept with my husband. If I told anyone in this neighborhood, they would never speak to you again." Maisy: "You're not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you'd hate the humiliation a lot more." Bree: "Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy. I pity you." (She walks out.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Lynette: "Hi." Claire: "Oh, hey Lynette. You heading out now?" Lynette: "Yep. Um, I'll be home late, so just the usual routine. A nap for Penny, and-" Claire: "I know, no sugar after five. I got it." Lynette: "You're the best. Oh, one more thing. Since the boys are having corn dogs for dinner, I'd like you to make sure they get a vegetable to go with it." (She goes to the freezer and pulls out a bag of frozen vegetables.) Claire: "Brussel sprouts?"
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Lynette: "They're full of iron. Could you make sure they clean their plates?" Claire: "Not a problem. I have this little trick I do. I cover the veggies with some cheese." Lynette: "You sly dog." (She leaves.) Mary Alice Voiceover:" That night, Lynette settled in to watch her personal pick for feel-good movie of the year." (On the video...) Claire: "You guys, you need to eat your brussel sprouts." Angry voice: "Brussel spouts taste yucky!" Angry voice: "I don't want this!" (The boys start throwing their food at Claire, who pleads with them to stop. Lynette, watching the tape while eating popcorn, smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Rex awakens and sees Bree standing at the window looking out.) Rex: "Hey." Bree: "Hey." Rex: "I guess they operated, huh?" Bree: "They sure did." Rex: "How'd it go?" Bree: "It went well. The surgeon says you're going to be as good as new." Rex: "You look like you've been crying." Bree: "I have. I was so afraid you were gonna die. There were so many things I haven't had a chance to tell you." Rex: "I'm sorry you were so worried." Bree: "That's okay. How are you now, Rex? Are you strong enough to listen to the things I need to tell you?" Rex: "Sure, hon." (Bree sits on the edge of the bed and leans down so that she's near Rex's face.) Bree: "I know you still love me. Maisy told me." Rex: "She did?" Bree (whispering): "As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?" Rex: "Bree-" Bree: "And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you, to hurt as much is as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that." (She leaves the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle opens the false panel Carlos told her about and finds the passport along with papers.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Trust is a fragile thing..." (Gabrielle opens the passport and reads it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Lynette: "Bye, guys!" (The boys all call good-bye to her and Lynette leaves them with Claire.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Building] (Bree walks down a hallway.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover." (Bree stops in front of a closed door. She takes a deep breath, and goes inside. She closes the door. On the glass reads "SOLOMON, MILLER & HAAS FAMILY LAW".) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan walks into Julie's room. Julie looks at her briefly, but then returns to reading without saying anything.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Paul's House] (Paul takes out the garbage, and looks over at Mrs. Huber's house, where Edie is standing next to a police officer who is banging on the door.) Officer: "Police, open up!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"And total strangers can come to our rescue." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle sits on the edge of the bed, looking at a roaring fire in the fireplace.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned." (Gabrielle throws Carlos' passport onto the fire, where it immediately starts to burn.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1x11 - Move On -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"... Rex:I am just trying to move on with my life. Bree:Are you having an affair with my husband? Mary Alice Voiceover:Suspicion ended in tragedy. Bree:I'm here to see Rex Van De Kamp.Apparently, he had a heart attack. Mary Alice Voiceover:Trust... Carlos:It kills me that I'm putting you through this. Mary Alice Voiceover:...was put on trial. Judge Sullivan:Bring me the passport, and Mr. Solis can visit his mother. Mary Alice Voiceover:And ex-husband... Susan:You walked out on your family. Mary Alice Voiceover:...was replaced. Edie:She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:And everyone Edie:Wow, your own personal nanny? Swell you. Mary Alice Voiceover:...was getting in over their heads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Edie Britt stands next to her car, looking thoughtful.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Edie Britt could never understand why she didn't have any female friends. Of course, she always tried to tell people she didn't need any, but the truth was, it bothered Edie that other women didn't seem to like her. Even after moving to Wisteria Lane, Edie couldn't understand why her neighbors kept their distance." (Flashback to when Edie moved in. She tells one of the movers to be careful, then waves at Susan, Bree, Gabrielle, and Lynette who are sitting on Susan's porch, watching the move-in. They all wave, but when Edie turns away, they whisper to each other.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And then she met Martha Huber." Mrs. Huber: "Hola!" (Mrs. Huber comes up to Edie, smiling and carrying a covered dish of food. She hands it to Edie, who takes it, smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Within five minutes, Mrs. Huber managed to disparage what Edie was wearing. In fact, whenever they got together, Mrs. Huber insulted her. She made fun of everything from Edie's makeup to her taste in men." (Edie and Mrs. Huber walk down the street as an attractive male jogger jogs past them. Edie turns to watch him go past her and Mrs. Huber pinches her on the arm.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Martha Huber could be cruel, offensive, and downright mean. But Edie didn't care, because she was the first real friend Edie Britt had ever had. But now Martha Huber was missing. She had vanished without a trace, and Edie was not embarrassed to admit, she needed her back. " (A cab pulls up and Edie shakes off her flashback as she walks to the side of it, where the door opens. A woman gets out of the cab. ) Felicia: "Edie?" Edie: "Yes." Felicia: "I'm Felicia Tilman. Martha's sister." Edie: "Really!" Felicia: "What's wrong?" Edie: "Oh nothing's wrong, it's just that Martha always said how alike you two were. I just don't see the family resemblance." Felicia: "It's there. It just takes a while to become apparent. Do you have the key to her house?" Edie: "I do. After the police kicked the door in, they put on this temporary lock. Oh, and by the way, the neighbors are coming over at noon. We're going to organize and hand out fliers." Felicia: "The key?" Edie: "Oh right. You know, I can only imagine how worried you must be." Felicia: "I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I had a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level, and a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister. And when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well, that's when I knew she was dead." Edie: "Oh, honey, no! You mustn't think like that! Martha's only missing!" Felicia: "No, Edie, she's dead. But she's my sister, and I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her." Edie: "Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing." Felicia: "Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman
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and the day she died, this world became a better place." Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was in that moment that Edie finally saw the family resemblance." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. Huber's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Mrs. Huber was missing. The words echoed down Wisteria Lane until every last resident was aware of her disappearance. By noon, dozens of neighbors had gathered. Some came to volunteer, some came in sympathy, and some, came to learn exactly what the police knew and what they didn't." (While neighbors pass out fliers amongst each other, Paul stands off to the side, looking down at the flier that reveals Martha is missing.) (A man in a suit takes a flier from the pile and turns to the group of neighbors standing in Mrs. Huber's yard.) Man: "So I'll need you to pass out fliers. Put them in the mall, the park, anywhere you think Mrs. Huber might have been seen. We need to jump on this; time is of the essence. Edie, would you like to say something?" Edie: "On behalf of Martha, and her sister Felicia, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. You know, my last conversation with Martha was one of anger. And I'll never forgive myself for the things that I said. I lay awake at night thinking about it." (She starts sobbing and turns to cry on the shoulder of the man in the suit.) Lynette: "I don't know how she did it, but Edie managed to make this all about her." Gabrielle: "She's a talented girl, our Edie." Susan: "Has anybody talked to Bree? How's Rex doing?" Lynette: "She's bringing him home from the hospital today." Susan: "Well, I don't know how he had a heart attack. He was so young." Gabrielle: "Hey, how creepy is Mrs. Huber's sister?" Lynette: "I know. The way she was talking about Mrs. Huber, it was like she was already dead." Gabrielle: "You don't think she is..." Susan: "Oh no, I'm sure she's fine. We're talking about Mrs. Huber. She's like a roach!" (The women walk off and Paul walks up to Felicia.) Paul: "I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for your sister's safe return." Felicia: "Oh, I seriously doubt that." (She turns and walks off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rex's Hospital Room] (Looking through the window of Rex's hospital room, a nurse can be seen checking his heartbeat with a stethoscope. Outside the room are Bree, Danielle, and Andrew.) Danielle: "What do you mean, you're not taking care of him?" Andrew: "Dad's being released today. He's got to have a place to recuperate." Bree: "Well, then he can go to a motel because he's not allowed back in my house." Danielle: "I thought you two were getting along. What happened?" Bree: "That's - between your father and me." Andrew: "You're so selfish. You know, I'm so looking forward to the day I get to put you in a nursing home." Bree: "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Andrew, but my plan is to have an embolism and to die young!" Andrew: "Yeah, well we're all rooting for you, but you might not be so lucky!" Bree: "Andrew!" Andrew: "You want to see how long I can hold a grudge? Go ahead and abandon my father, because I
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promise you, you'll be sorry." Bree: "You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what -" Andrew: "Knew what? Well, come on, tell me! Because I'd love to know what my father did that was so awful!" Bree: "Fine. I will see him through this, but after that, your father can rot in hell for all I care!" (She walks off.) Danielle: "We're not like other families, are we?" Andrew: "No. We're not." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos's lawyer, Mr. Hartley, and Gabrielle are in the living room while Yao Lin cleans around them.) Mr. Hartley: "Gabrielle, it's not my fault that your bank accounts are frozen." Gabrielle: "I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying, fix it!" Mr. Hartley: "Well, I wish I could, but the folks at the justice department aren't very sympathetic." Gabrielle: "I'm running out of money. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna be screwed." Yao Lin: "Why don't you hock some of your jewelry? There's a lot of stuff you never wear, and most of it's ugly." Gabrielle: "Don't you have a toilet to scrub?" (Yao Lin leaves the room.) Gabrielle: "I'm just so angry with Carlos. What was he thinking, exporting goods made from slave labor? Why couldn't he have embezzled like other white collar criminals?" Mr. Hartley: "All the justice department wants is to make sure that Carlos doesn't skip the country. Now, if he is released on bail, I can argue that he needs money to live on, and they'll probably unfreeze one of the smaller accounts." Gabrielle: "But they won't release him on bail until they get the passport." Mr. Hartley: "Exactly. You haven't found that yet, have you?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gabrielle wanted her old lifestyle back, no question, but she wanted Carlos to suffer for his betrayal even more. " (Flashback to Gabrielle looking at Carlos's passport in her hands before throwing it into the fire.) Gabrielle: "I'm still searching." Mr. Hartley: "Well, in that case, you might want to think about looking for a job." Yao Lin (walking by): "Hah!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan and Mike are in the kitchen together.) Susan: "So, I had a really good time." Mike: "I bet you did." (The doorbell rings. Susan takes a moment to run her hand down Mike's back, ending on his buttocks and giving them a squeeze before going to answer the door.) Susan: "Gotcha." (Mike turns and gives her a happy sheepish grin.) (Susan answers the door and it's Karl.) Karl: "Hey, is this a bad time?" Susan: "For you? Of course it is." Karl: "That's cute. Tax stuff. I need your signature." Susan: "We've been divorced over a year." Karl: "2003."
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(Karl walks in.) Susan: "Well, please. Just come on in. Uh, Mike, I don't think you've officially met my ex, Karl Mayer." Mike: "Oh hey! Mike Delfino." Karl: "Right. Plumber." (Mike gives Karl a look before turning to Susan.) Mike: "Yeah, I don't have the right washer for this faucet, so I'm just going to go across the street and get it." (Susan laughs as he brushes against her, then walks to the door, closing it behind him.) Karl: "So he seems okay." Susan: "Yeah, he is. So what do you want me to sign? Oh, I see." Karl: "By the way, Julie told me about her birthday plans." Susan: "Yeah, we're going to a restaurant downtown. A guy who plays piano and an open mike. Julie got a bunch of her girlfriends together, so we're just going to make a night of it." Karl: "Julie loves to sing. It sounds nice." Susan: "Here you are." Karl: "All righty." Susan: "Give my best to Brandi." Karl: "Actually, um, we're not together anymore." Susan: "You're not? What happened?" Karl: "I caught her in bed with another guy. Go ahead. Do your happy dance. You deserve it." Susan: "No, no really, I'm, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I am." (Karl leans forward and gives Susan a hug, and holds on.) Susan: "Uh..." Karl: "It's just really hard for me right now. Thanks." (Mike walks back in and sees them. Susan motions to Mike, makes the hand sign of the phone, and then silently mouths the words 'Call me.' He walks back out, closing the door quietly behind him.) (Karl finally lets Susan go.) Susan: "Uh, try ripping up old photos. It helps." Karl: "Well, have fun this weekend. Let me know how the party goes." Susan: "Karl, do you want to join us?" (Karl makes a series of hand gestures that indicate he's at first going to refuse, but then he walks back over to Susan and gives her another hug.) Karl: "Oh Susan, you're the best." Susan: "Oh, well..." (small squeal) "I am the best, aren't I." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette and Tom lie in bed. Lynette looks over a list she's made of things to do, written on the back of the Missing Mrs. Huber flier.) (She turns to Tom.) Lynette: "You know, if we're going to buy a water heater, we should talk about it. We could go to the mall tomorrow. They're having a sale." Tom: "Could we talk about this tomorrow?" Lynette: "Well, I'm just trying to plan my day." Tom: "Please honey, I'm so tired." Lynette: "Okay." (She takes off her glasses and turns off the light.) Lynette: "Hon?"
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Tom: "Huh?" Lynette: "Did you set up the coffee maker?" Tom: "Oh. No. Uh, you know, I'll do it in the morning. I promise I'll get up early and do it." Lynette: "Tom..." Tom: "Oh..." Lynette: "Tom...Come on." (He gets up.) Lynette: "Thanks." Tom: "Yeah." (Downstairs in the darkened laundry room off of the kitchen, Claire puts clothing in the washer. She takes off her socks, looks down at her robe, notices a stain, and then, after looking around, removes the robe. She quickly throws it in with the other clothes, starts the washer, then quickly jogs through the kitchen, her arms crossed across her chest.) (Tom comes down the stairs, stopping abruptly when he sees Claire.) Tom: "Claire?" (Claire gasps, then quickly turns around so her back is to him.) Tom: "Um, um, I'm, uh. Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were up." Claire: "Yeah, I, I, I thought you were sleeping. I--I was just going upstairs. Do you want me to make the coffee." Tom: "Yeah! Yeah, that'd be great! I'm just gonna, um, go back up to my room." Claire: "Okay" Tom: "Good night." Claire: "Good night." (Tom returns to the bedroom, smiling.) Lynette: "Just so you know, if we go to the mall, we can go to the shoe store. You said you wanted new running shoes." (Tom gets in bed and leans over her. Lynette looks at him.) Lynette: "What?" (She turns and looks into puppy dog eyes filled with intention.) Lynette: "Oh." (She giggles. He moves in closer, and then she rolls over on top of him as they kiss.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[The Next Morning] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning while the search for Martha Huber continued, Lynette discovered a little family secret. One she wasn't even looking for. " (Claire comes down the stairs and looks around before heading into the kitchen.) Lynette: "Good morning." Claire: "Good morning." Lynette: "Want some coffee?" Claire: "Uh, yeah, thanks! I didn't want to come down until Tom left for work. Still a little embarrassed." Lynette: "About what?" Claire: "Oh, he didn't tell you? Well, actually, it's kind of funny. Um, I was doing some laundry, and I noticed that the robe I was wearing had some baby food on it, so I threw it in, figuring I could dash upstairs while everyone was asleep. And then I ran into Tom, while I was totally naked." Lynette: "So, Claire, when did this incident occur?"
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Claire: "I don't know. It was pretty late. I think he might have come down to make coffee or something." Lynette: "You don't say." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Modeling Agency] (The modeling agent, Mr. Gibbs, flips through a book of Gabrielle's work.) Mr. Gibbs: "Wow! Wow! Wow! Well, this is certainly impressive. I can definitely get you work as a model. But you do realize it's different from the runway work you did in New York and Milan." Gabrielle: "Of course. I made ten thousand dollars a day. I don't expect to, to make that here." (She glances up at a poster on the wall, which sports the slogan: "Try the beer that's #1 among mermaids.") Mr. Gibbs: "That's good. Because you won't." Gabrielle: "Yeah. So what do you got?" Mr. Gibbs: "Well, there is something. Uh, they need a model to demonstrate the new Buick Lacrosse, at the Fairview Mall. It's just going to be you and the car on a revolving platform. Three hundred bucks for the day." Gabrielle: "Uh, what else do you have?" Mr. Gibbs: "Sure, um, ooh. Can you swing a sword? Sci-fi convention needs someone to dress up as a warrior princess." Gabrielle: "A warrior princess? Mr. Gibbs. I am a professional model. Look at this bone structure. This face is a cash cow, and if you don't have the vision to take advantage of that, then maybe I'm at the wrong agency." Mr. Gibbs: "Hey, look, honey. I'm the only modeling agent in a hundred mile radius. I book women for boat shows and garden tool expose and if you don't like it, move back to the city." Gabrielle: "This, um, Buick thing. Does it include lunch?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree sets a tray of food down next to the couch where Rex is lying. He sits up, breathing heavily from exertion.) Rex: "Just so you know, I really am grateful for everything you're doing for me." Bree: "Oh, I don't need your gratitude. You're only here because your children are master extortionists." Rex: "So you didn't tell them about..." Bree: "Your adultery? No. I decided to keep that little gem all to myself." (Bree begins cleaning up around the living room.) Rex: "Listen, I know this is a real imposition." Bree: "Yes, it is. The doctor said you could be here for weeks." Rex: "Would it make you feel any better if I told you I'm sorry for what I did?" Bree: "Yes, it would...if I still felt anything for you. But as it stands, the place you used to occupy in my heart is very much empty now." Rex: "You must still feel something for me." Bree: "And why do you think that?" Rex: "Oh, come on, Bree, look at this. You're using the good china, freshly pressed napkins, flowers from the garden. This tray was prepared with loving care." Bree: "Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection." (She stalks out, taking the small vase with a flower in it off of the tray with her.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House, nighttime] (Susan kisses Mike on the bed. She glances over at her nightstand and sees the missing fliers for Mrs. Huber lying there.)
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Susan: "Hold on a sec." (She turns them upside down.) Susan: "Okay, now I'm good." Mike: (chuckles) Susan: "What?" Mike: "You're just - God, I love you." Susan: "Oh! Well, that's great!" Mike: "Um. Wait. Wait. That just kind of popped out." Susan: "No, No! It's fine. It just kind of caught me off guard. I mean, I want to say it back." Mike: "Yeah, but you're not ready. It's okay." Susan: "You're not mad, are you?" Mike: "No! God! We haven't been dating that long, and you've got other issues. Forget it." Susan: "Good." (He rolls her over so he's on top and they kiss again.) Susan (pulling away): "Issues? What kind of issues do you think I have?" Mike: "You know, I retract my earlier statement. I no longer love you. In fact, I just think of you as a really good buddy." Susan: "No. No, no, no. You obviously think you have some insight into my soul, so please, go ahead, dazzle me." Mike: "Your divorce left you hurt and vulnerable." Susan: "Big insight. The postman knows that." Mike: "And there's a chance you might still have feelings for your ex." Susan: "What? I loathe Karl, and the postman will back me up on that, too." Mike: "I'm sure part of you does hate him, but, you know, maybe part of you is still hung up on him." Susan: "Where are you getting this?" Mike: "Well, he broke up with the woman he left you for, and what was the first thing you did? You hugged him and invited him to a party." Susan: "Okay, the analysis part of this evening is now over." Mike: "Hey, you asked." Susan: "Well, you know what? You're going to come to Julie's party tomorrow night, and you're gonna see Karl and I together, and you're going to understand once and for all that I have no feelings for him whatsoever." Mike: "Actually, I have tickets for a basketball game tomorrow night." Susan: "Actually, you're coming to the party tomorrow. And that's the end of it." Mike (to himself): "That is what I get for saying 'I love you'." Susan: "What?" (Mike deflects the question by taking a drink from a glass of wine.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pharmacy] (Bree steps up to the counter.) Bree: "Hello, George." George: "Mrs. Van de Kamp. You're looking lovely today." Bree: "You always say the nicest things." George: "Well, it's, uh, it's true." Bree: "Listen, I have a prescription here for Rex. I don't know if you heard, but he had a heart attack."
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George: "I had no idea. Is he okay?" Bree: "Oh yes, he'll, he'll live. But the doctor said he's at risk for something called pericarditis. Do you know anything about that?" George: "It's an inflammation of the membrane that surrounds the heart. It will take a few months to make sure it doesn't develop, but he'll need constant care." Bree: "So I hear." (She gives him the prescription and he leaves the counter to go fill it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"As the word's 'Constant Care' echoed in her head, Bree caught a sickening glimpse into her future." (A man coughs behind Bree and she turns to see an old man sitting in a wheelchair with an old woman helping him sit more comfortably.) (Bree watches them, looking uncomfortable.) George: "Okay. Here we go." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Which prompted her to seek an old-fashioned remedy." Bree: "George? Would you go out to dinner with me?" George: "Um, you mean, like a date?" Bree: "Yes, I think it would be fun." George: "What about your husband?" Bree: "Oh, him. Well, we're separated." (George smiles and Bree smiles back.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] Mary Alice Voiceover:"In spite of Mrs. Huber's disappearance, life on Wisteria Lane started to return to normal. Until an intriguing discovery was made on a dirt road next to the interstate." (A policeman finds Mrs. Huber's car abandoned by the woods. He opens it and looks in the glove department, finding the car registration. He calls in to Dispatch.) Policeman: "This is Officer Burton. I have an abandoned vehicle registered to a missing person, one Martha Huber. Please advice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Later] A crowd of neighbors are gathered in the woods to search for Mrs. Huber. A table has been set up for food and coffee. Mary Alice Voiceover:"As news spread of this mysterious development, everyone in the neighborhood decided to band together, to show their support, and to look for clues. Or worse. " Bree: "I'm keeping my eyes on the horizon. Please tell me if I'm about to step on a body part." Lynette: "It's a search and rescue, not recovery. We don't know if she's dead." Susan: "Yeah, people fake their own abductions all the time." Bree: "Can we talk about something else - something less depressing?" Susan: "Well, here's something. Mike told me he loved me." (Lynette and Bree both gasp.) Lynette: "Oh, my god!" Mrs. Greenberg: "Over here! They found the body!" Lynette: "No, no! I'm sorry! False alarm. We didn't find a body. Uh, Susan just had some really good news. Sorry." Distant voice of a man: "Oh, it's nothing. False alarm." Edie: "Well, doesn't that figure. Susan always finds a way to make it about her."
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Mall] (A Buick rotates slowly on a platform while Gabrielle stands in front of it in a blue evening gown, talking into a microphone.) Gabrielle: "Ladies and Gentlemen. I present to you the fabulous Buick Lacrosse." (Microphone feedback. Annoyed, Gabrielle turns to the woman handling the audio. She makes a quick adjustment then gives Gabrielle a thumbs-up.) Gabrielle: "It, uh, it has an excellently crafted interior, peaceful quiet tuning, and ultrasonic rear parking assist. Observe the remote activation feature." (She pushes a button and the car starts. She then sees Lynette and Tom riding down the escalator.) Gabrielle: "Uh, and it also has a lot of other exciting good, cool car things." (She tries to run around to the other side of the turntable, but her dress gets caught.) (The audio girl, Sarah, watches her. Tom and Lynette get off of the escalator and see Gabrielle.) Gabrielle: "Tom! Lynette! What are you doing here?" Tom: "We're buying a new water heater. Um, how 'bout you?" Gabrielle: "Just doing a little shopping, trying to get my mind off things." Sarah: "Hey Gabby, you need help, it looks like you're stuck here." Gabrielle: "Uh! I guess I am." Sarah: "No worries, I got it." Gabrielle: "I guess I got too close to the turn table. I'm a sucker for these Buicks." Sarah (to the dress): "Come on, you bastard!" Gabrielle: "You know, with their perfectly crafted interior, and peaceful, quiet tuning." Lynette: "Uh-huh. A little formal for the mall." Gabrielle: "Oh, uh, you know, I wanted to match the shoes to the dress. This is, uh, Sarah, my shopping buddy. We like to hit the boutiques together." Lynette: "Okay. Well, you gals, um, shop your little hearts out. See you later." Gabrielle "Bye." (They walk off. Sarah waves after them and Gabrielle sighs irritably.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree comes down the stairs, dressed in a red dress, with her hair styled up.) Rex: "Wow. Look at you! You going out?" Bree: "Not that it's any of your business, but, I have a date." Rex: "A date. What kind of date?" Bree: "Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor says any undue stress could cause another heart attack." (Rex gives up and turns his back to her.) Bree: "It's a romantic date with a single attractive man, and I intend to french the hell out of him." (The doorbell rings.) Bree: "Oh, right on time!" (She goes to answer the door and Rex watches from the couch.) George: "Hi." Bree: "Hi," George (hands her a small bouquet of flowers): "In my spare time I garden. I thought you might like these." Bree: "Oh, my, they're exquisite. Compost and eggshells?" George: "Yes!"
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Bree: "Oh! Come on in. George, you remember Rex?" (Rex smiles and waves his hand from where he's sitting. George's step falters.) George: "I thought you said you were separated." Bree: "Oh, we are, emotionally. Physically, he just lives here because his mistress refuses to care for him. Would you like a drink?" George: "Uh no, I'm fine. Thanks." Bree: "Rex, say hello to George!" Rex: "Hello, George!" George: "Hello, Dr. Van de Kamp." Bree: "I'm going to go put these in water. George, why don't you have a seat, and I'll be right back." (George sits down on the other end of the couch.) George: "So, uh, how's your heart, Dr. Van de Kamp?" Rex: "Better. How's the pharmacy?" George: "Busy. It's busy." (Rex bursts out laughing.) George: "Something funny?" Rex: "It's, it's nothing. You see, I, uh, recently engaged in some extracurricular activity, and now Bree's doing anything she can to make me suffer. All you can do is laugh." George: "Yeah, uh, I guess." (Bree comes back in and sets the flowers in the vase next to Rex.) Bree: "Oh, these flowers are stunning. They're the best ones I've ever gotten." (She smiles down at Rex, who turns and smiles at George.) Bree: "Ah. Shall we?" George: "It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp." Rex: "Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!" (Bree turns abruptly to glare at him, then turns her back and she and George leave.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Mall] (Lynette and Tom get back on the escalator, bags in hand.) Lynette: "That sales girl that sold us the water heater - she had a cute figure." Tom: "Yeah, I guess. I didn't notice." Lynette: "Oh, how can you say, she was so your type, big breasts, really curvy." Tom: "What are you doing?" Lynette: "Nothing. I'm just saying you prefer women that are really curvy, like that sales girl or Claire." Tom: "There's only one type that I prefer." (He kisses her cheek.) "You." Lynette: "Aww....You kiss as though that would end this conversation, and it so won't." Tom: "Why am I trouble, I haven't done anything wrong." Lynette: "The only reason you made love to me the other night was because you had just seen Claire naked." Tom: "Wha-? Aw, crap." (Later, in the van, Tom and Lynette continue the conversation. Lynette is driving.) Tom: "Claire is a great nanny. It would be stupid to lose her over something like this." Lynette: "You and I have had crushes before. We always tell each other. We laugh about it. It's no big deal. What worries me about this is you're denying you're obviously attracted. Why?" Tom: "I'm not denying anything." Lynette: "Oh, so you are attracted to her." Tom: "I didn't say that."
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(Lynette puts on the brakes and suddenly stops the van. They are blocking the line of cars wanting to leave the parking garage of the mall.) Tom: "What are you doing?" Lynette: "We are not going anywhere until you confess you have the hots for our nanny. Tom, it's okay. She's attractive. Men by nature are drawn to fertile young women with whom them can plant their seed." (We see the lady in the car behind them get out and walk to them.) Lynette: "It's the basic flaw of your gender. I get it. Just do me the honor of-" (The woman stands outside of their car. Lynette notices her rolls the window down, staring at the lady on the other side.) Woman: "Uh, we'd all like to get out of here. Is there a problem?" Lynette: "My husband won't admit that he has lust in his heart. Can you give us a minute?" (The woman holds up her hand in a 'I give up' gesture and walks back to her car. Lynette rolls up the window.) Tom: "Lynette. Claire is attractive, yes. But I am not attracted to her. Look, if I thought for even a second that there was any danger in having Claire around, I'd be the first to get rid of her. It's you! You're the one! You always have been and you always will be." (They kiss. Horns start honking behind them.) Lynette (laughing): "All right, hold your water." (They drive off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Karaoke Restaurant] (Julie and two of her friends stand on the stage, singing. They finish and Susan, Mike, Karl, and two more of Julie's friends clap.) Susan: "Yay! Oh, you guys were fantastic." Julie: "Thank you. Um, they've got a dance floor upstairs and we're going to go check it out." Susan: "Okay, have fun." (Edie enters the restaurant.) Karl: "Edie! Over here!" Susan: "What the hell is she doing here?" Karl: "Well, I don't get to bring a date? I heard you were bringing him." Susan: "Of all people, you picked that tired piece of - Edie!" Edie: "Hi Susan! Oh, thanks for the invite. God knows I needed something to get my mind off poor Martha. A kiss, for the birthday boy." (They kiss, with Edie dragging it out.) Susan: "Uh, Edie, it's not his birthday." Edie: "Oh! Oh!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Bree and George are in George's car, which is parked outside of Bree's house.) Bree: "Thank you, George. That was a lovely evening." George: "The pleasure was mine. There is nothing better than great conversation with a beautiful woman over a delicious meal." Bree: "Well, I guess I should go inside." George: "I'm glad we did this." Bree: "Me, too." (They lean over to kiss, but stop when there is knocking on the glass of the car window.)
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Bree: "Andrew, where did you come from?" Andrew: "I was just on my way back from Brian's house. What's going on here?" Bree: "Oh, uh, you remember Mr. Williams, our pharmacist?" George: "Hey, there." Andrew: "How's it going? What are you doing in his car?" Bree: "Well, we're just, um, talking. Mr. Williams took me out to dinner." Andrew: "You mean like on a date?" Bree: "Well, um...." (She gets out of the car.) Bree: "Yes." Andrew (to George): "You are aware that she's married, right?" Bree: "Andrew, your father and I are separated and you know it." Andrew: "I don't care. Couldn't you at least wait until he was out of the house?" Bree: "The only reason he is still in the house is because you insisted I care for him." Andrew: "So, so what do you guys intend to do now?" (to George) "Are you two going to have sex?" Bree: "No, we are not going to have sex!" Andrew: "What? Why not?" Bree: "Because I don't commit adultery like your father." (long pause) "That's right. Your father had an affair. I found out about it, and I'm just trying to move on with my life." Andrew (to George): "You should watch out for her. She's a liar." (Andrew stomps off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle stands in her living room, sorting bills on the floor and making notes on a legal pad.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"In spite of her mounting debt, Gabrielle was determined to prove she could get along just fine without Carlos' money." (The power suddenly goes out.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It wasn't until the electricity went out that she finally began to see the light." (She goes over to her cell phone and dials a number.) Gabrielle: "Mr. Hartley. It's Gabrielle Solis. I need you to start working on releasing Carlos on bail. Mm hmm. I just remembered where I put his passport." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Karaoke Restaurant] Edie (singing): "I took the sweet life, never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet. I spent my life exploring, the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free, hey lady, I've been to paradise..." (The piano player throws in an extemporaneous passage, and Edie pauses.) (Mike has his arm around Susan and she turns her face, kisses his cheek, then nuzzles the side of his face lightly with her nose.) Edie: "...but I've never been to me..." (Karl watches them, then turns back to watching Edie on the stage.) (Whistling and clapping. Karl gives her a standing ovation, then twirls her around when she comes off of the stage.) Edie: "Oh, thank you!" Karl: "Damn woman, you were good! All right, you're next, Suzie-Q. Whatcha gonna sing?" Edie: "Yes." Mike: "You sing?"
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Susan: "Only when I'm alone." Karl: "Come on, we're among friends." Susan: "I don't think so." Mike: "Well, I, for one, would like to hear your voice." Karl: "Give it up, plumber. She's not budging." Susan: "You want to hear me sing?" (Susan reaches forward and takes Mike's chin with her hand.) Mike: "Yeah." Susan: "Okay." (She leans forward and kisses him on the lips.) Mike: "What's it going to be? I'll tell the piano player." Susan: "New York, New York." Edie: "Oh, I'm so excited to hear you. Oh, but doesn't it just figure..." Susan: "What do you mean?" Edie: "You have to get up in front of a room full of people dressed like that." (Susan looks down at herself and laughs.) Edie: "I hope they don't turn on you." Susan: "I think I'll take my chances...sort of like you did--on those high notes." (Edie does a fake laugh, then turns to Karl.) Edie: "I'm going to go get us two more." Karl: "That's a great idea." (Edie leaves.) Karl: "So that Mike; he seems pretty even keeled." Susan: "Yeah. He's a great guy." Karl: "But you know, I mean, he's a little--Buster Brown. Don't you ever worry you'll gonna get bored?" Susan: "Thanks for your concern, Karl, I'm fine." Karl: "Go figure. Even though our marriage was crazy at times, it never got dull." Susan: "Yeah, that part when you slept with your secretary was really exciting." Karl: "I know, how many times do I have to hear it? It was a mistake. But don't I ever get credit for the thirteen loyal years beforehand?" Edie: "You must not be counting the Henderson's Christmas party." Karl: "Edie, not now." Edie: "Oh, what's the big deal, Karl. Your marriage is history anyway." Karl: "Edie..." Edie: "It was nothing, really. Basically we both got plastered on egg-nog, and we found ourselves standing under the, uh, mistletoe..." Karl: "Edie..." Edie: "And we were like, okay, what do we do now? So I smiled, and he smiled, and then Karl reached over, and started feeling me up!" (Edie playfully slaps Karl on the arm.) Karl: "Susie, that's not how it happened!" Mike: "All right, Susan, you're up." Susan: "What?" Karl: "Hey, Susie, it's so silly...Susie." (The piano player begins playing the opening notes to "New York, New York" as Mike pushes Susan up to the stage.)
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Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Susan Mayer!" (Susan gets up on stage and turns to look back at their table.) Susan (singing): "Start spreading the news...I'm leaving today...I wanna be a part of it, New York! New York! These vagabond shoes..." (speaking) "You're an ass, you know that?" (The piano stops playing.) Susan (to the piano player): "No, keep playing!" (singing) "Are longing to stray... there's a word no, right? And get around the heart of it, New York! New York! I want to..." (speaking) "Just tell you that the affair was one thing, I mean, I forgave you, because on some small level, I thought you were in love with her, and now I find out that you were just groping people at parties..." (singing) "Top of the heap..." (Karl gets up to walk out.) Susan: "Karl, don't you turn away from me. Look at me! You know, what else were you doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God as my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell, before I ever feel sorry for you again!" (There's a long pause.) Susan (singing): "New York!" (The piano plays a few chords in conclusion.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane, nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"As the police interviewed the residents of Wisteria Lane about the mysterious disappearance of Martha Huber, my husband, Paul, reasoned it would only be a matter of time before their digging would begin to yield answers." (Paul stands next to his car, holding a bag of groceries, as he watches the police interview his neighbor.) (Later, he walks purposefully into the woods where he buried Martha Huber. He digs her up and removes some jewelry from her body.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Since he knew the police had no suspects, he decided to point them to the most logical candidate." (Paul walks up to a house and slowly, straining, pulls open the garage door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"You see, if there's one thing that Paul understood about the suburbs, it was this:" (Paul walks into the garage. His flashlight shines over the workbench. He opens a drawer and places the jewelry in the back.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"No one's more suspicious than a new neighbor who's just moved in. " (Away from the garage, the camera pans to the mailbox of the house that Paul is out. The mailbox reads: "Delfino".) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Lynette and Claire clean up dishes from the kitchen table while Tom sits at the table. Lynette: "Parker's getting sniffily." Claire: "Yeah, I noticed that, too. I hope he's not coming down with a cold. " Lynette: "He doesn't have a cough yet, but he sort of has this post-nasal drip thing happening. " Claire: "Oh, I'll make an appointment for him. I always say it is better to be safe than sorry. Little kids get sick and it's-" (to Tom as she cleans around him) "sorry - out of control." (Tom's gaze becomes unfocused as he stares at the silver cross swinging back and forth between Claire's chest as she cleans and talks. Lynette notices his where his gaze is at and turns to look at Tom pointedly. Tom looks at Lynette. Lynette looks at Claire then back at Tom.) Tom: "Um, um, Claire? We have to make some changes."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Bree walks on the path to the garage, holding a large box. Andrew follows behind her.) Andrew: "What are you doing?" Bree: "I'm packing up your father's things for when he eventually moves out." Andrew: "Here. Let me help you. Look, I, I talked to dad, and it turns out you were telling the truth." Bree: "Andrew, I'm so sorry that I said anything." Andrew: "I know. I'm glad you did. Now I know." Bree: "There comes this point in every boy's life..." Andrew: "What? When he finds out his dad is screwing around?" Bree: "No. That his father's only human." Andrew: "So, why are you taking care of him? Is it because of what Danielle and I said? Because you can forget that. I'll help you take his stuff on the street if you want." Bree: "That's sweet, but I'm taking care of him because it's the right thing to do." Andrew: "Why are you being such a pushover? I mean, he cheated on you. He's a jerk!" Bree: "Andrew, you will not speak that way about your father in front of me." Andrew: "Why the hell not? I mean, for once, I'm actually on your side!" Bree: "Yes, I'm angry with him. I am going to divorce him. I may even marry someone else, but make no mistake about it, your father is, and always will be, the love of my life. He gave me the best eighteen-year marriage that I could have ever hoped for. For that, you will respect him." Andrew: "Okay." (They walk back inside, arm and arm. Off to the side, unseen, stands Rex.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Karl knocks on the door and Susan answers.) Susan: "What is it? I'm really, really busy." Karl: "I came by to apologize." Susan: "Oh, well, in that case, come on in. I'm not doing anything." Karl: "I can't believe Edie brought the whole thing up. Susan, I, I am so sorry. I thought I was done hurting you." Susan: "Yeah, me too. And just so you know, I'm sorry for flipping out. I shouldn't let you get to me like that." (Karl chuckles.) Susan: "What?" Karl: "I do still get to you, don't I? That's the difference between the plumber and me. Oh, don't get me wrong. He's a good guy, and I like him. But I'm betting that you two don't have what we had together. There was always a spark between us." Susan: "A spark?" Karl: "Look, what I'm trying to say is, he must seem really safe, after me." Susan: "A moray eel would seem safe after you." Karl (laughing): "That's what I'm telling you about. That great back and forth, joking around. We used to argue and push each other's buttons." Susan: "News flash! I hated all of that!" Karl: "Come on, you have to admit, when it was good, it was the best." Susan: "What are you saying?" Karl: "Let's give this another shot." Susan: "You want me back?"
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Karl: "Yeah. Yeah. I realize now, that you were the woman that was meant for me." Susan: "Wow. Just so we're clear. You want to move back in here and be faithful to me and love me with all your heart and soul?" Karl: "Absolutely." Susan: "Oh my god. This is so wonderful!" Karl: "I know. I know. I want to kiss you." Susan: "Oh god, no. Karl, um, no, what I meant by wonderful was that I wondered inside if I still had feelings for you, if deep down I still loved you..." Karl: "And...?" Susan: "And, there's nothing there." Karl: "Come on, you got to feel something..." Susan: "Well, actually, I do, yeah. Excuse me!" (She runs out of the house all cheery, throws the towel she was carrying up in the air, and runs over to Mike's house. She knocks on the door.) Mike: "Susan." Susan: "Mike, guess what? I love you!" Mike: "Are you sure?" Susan: "Yes!" (They kiss. Then she looks over his shoulder and sees the two policemen in his house.) Susan: "Did I come at a bad time?" Mike: "Um, they're just asking some questions about Mrs. Huber." Susan (to the police): "I love him. You can write that in your little book." (Mike chuckles.) (The police officer holds up his book and smiles. The other raises his eyebrows.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] (Focus in on a stack of Mrs. Huber Missing fliers. The wind begins to pick up, blowing the fliers all over.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"We are all searching for someone. That special person who will provide us what's missing in our lives. Someone who can offer companionship..." (At Bree's house, Bree is on the phone in her living room.) Bree: "George, hi, it's me, Bree. I was wondering, are you free next Saturday?" (On the other side of the room, in plain view, Rex stands there and shakes his head slightly.) Bree: "You are? Oh, that's wonderful." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or assistance..." (At Lynette's home, Lynette is on the phone with the phone book in front of her. Faintly, the sounds of her children screaming upstairs can be heard.) Lynette: "Hi, I understand your agency handles nannies. Uh, I need someone experienced and preferably unattractive." (On the other side of the kitchen, Tom sips from a cup of coffee and briefly closes his eyes in resignation.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or security..." (In Gabrielle's house, Gabrielle is on the phone.) Gabrielle: "Hi, honey. Did the lawyer tell you the good news? You're gonna make bail. I found your passport." (The burnt passport lies on the table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And sometimes if we search very hard, we can find someone who provides us..." (Susan sits outside her house, on her portable phone. ) Susan: "Well, I just called to say hi, and I love you!"
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"...with all three." (Mike stands in his open doorway of his house, smiling as he holds the phone to his ear.) Mike: "All right, right. Enough already." (In the woods the next day, a jogger and his dog run through the woods. The dog veers off to the left and the jogger follows.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, we are all searching for someone." (His dog stops and begins digging in the ground.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And if we can't find them, we can only pray..." (The dog continues digging.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...they find us." Jogger: "Whatcha got, boy?" (He moves aside some dirt, revealing the swollen, grotesquely-colored hand of Mrs. Huber, lying in the dirt.) ~ The End ~ : two songs from DH,1.11
1 Edie : http://ihome.cuhk.edu.hk/~s035883/Charlene.mp3 Never Been to Me (sung by Charlene) Hey lady, you, lady, cursin' at your life You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife I've no doubt you dream about the things you never do But I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you Ooh I've been to Georgia and California, oh, anywhere I could run Took the hand of a preacherman and we made love in the sun But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me Please lady, please, lady, don't just walk away 'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today I can see so much of me still living in your eyes Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies Oh I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece Where I sipped champagne on a yacht I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things That a woman ain't s'posed to see I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me (this part is spoken...) Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie. A fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be. But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, and it's that man you fought with this morning,
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the same one you're going to make love with tonight. That's truth, that's love. Sometimes I've been to cryin' for unborn children That might have made me complete But I, I took the sweet life and never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that cost too much to be free Hey lady, I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me I've been to paradise - never been to me (I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run) I've been to paradise - never been to me (I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece While I sipped champagne on a yacht) I've been to paradise - never been to me (I've been to cryin' for unborn children...) (fade)
2 Susan http://www.ejazzlines.com/sample_mp3/LL-2111aa.mp3 New York, New York (LIVE) (by Frank Sinatra ) Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today I want to be a part of it - New York, New York These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York I want to wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap These little town blues, are melting away I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere It's up to you - New York, New York New York, New York I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps To find I'm a number one, head of the list, Cream of the crop at the top of the heap. These little town blues, are melting away I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York If I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere It's up to you - New York, New York ~The End~
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Desperate Housewives 1X12 - Every Day A Little Death -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on "desperate housewives" Mike:We're making a mistake. These are nice people. Mr.Shaw:My money says one of them isn't. Susan:How creepy is Mrs. Huber's sister! Mary Alice Voiceover:Promises were made. Felicia:I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her. Mary Alice Voiceover:Marriages came undone. Carlos:Gabrielle and I are about to start a family. Gabrielle:Well, we're not negotiating my uterus. Bree:George, would you go out to dinner with me? George:You mean like a date? Rex:A date? Mary Alice Voiceover:And the truth... Mrs. Huber:You burned your rival's house down. Mary Alice Voiceover:...was denied. Susan:I absolutely did not do that thing you accused me of. Mary Alice Voiceover:"Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet. But the years had flown by, and still, nothing exciting had ever happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered. " (Flashback to the night when Mrs. Huber was murdered by Paul.) Paul: "Hello, Mrs. Huber." Martha: "Paul!" Paul: "Let me give you a hand." Martha: "That's really not necessary." Paul: "I insist." Mary Alice Voiceover:"In those last moments, it occurred to her, in addition to being boring, life could also be very cruel." [Woods, daytime] (A man holds a missing person's flier showing Mrs. Huber. As the camera backs away, we see it's a policeman holding the flier. He walks over to where crime scene tape has been placed around where Mrs. Huber's body was found. Dozens of officials are around the scene, doing their job in removing the body.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful. " Officer Jackson: "What do you think?" Police chief: "That's our missing woman, all right." (Channel 15 KQRY Eyewitness News van pulls up.) Police Chief: "Aw, geez, it didn't take the media long to get wind of this. Make sure no one contaminates my crime scene."
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(He leaves. The policeman looks at the flier in his hand then down at Mrs. Huber lying in the dirt.) Officer Jackson: "Hey, little lady. A lot of people are looking for you, you know that? Your face is gonna be on the front page of every paper in this state. How's that for exciting?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"Officer Jackson couldn't be sure, but for a brief moment, he thought he saw the corpse of Martha Huber, smile." Credits (A police car pulls up in front of Mrs. Huber's house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Death had come once again to Wisteria Lane." (A policeman gets out of the car and walks over to Felicia Tilman, who's watering the lawn.) Police Chief: "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. We found your sister's body." (Felicia drops the hose and takes a step back.) [Outside Susan's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Word of the tragedy would soon spread throughout the neighborhood. But for now, people went about their lives as they always did, blissfully unaware." (Susan comes out of her house and walks across the street to Mike's house, where she opens the door and walks in.) Susan: "Hello, anybody home?" Mike's voice: "In the kitchen." Susan: "Good news. I finished my book, so I thought to celebrate, you could take me out to lunch." (She stops in front of Mike, then sees Edie behind him, standing in the kitchen. Edie brushes past her.) Edie: "Hey, Susan." Mike: "Uh, could we do a rain check? Edie and I are just looking over the plans to rebuild her house." Edie: "My insurance company is finally cutting my check next week, and there's only one plumber I want. So don't expect to see this guy for a few months. I'm gonna be riding him hard." Susan: "Well, if anyone can go the distance, he can. I should know." (She giggles and then kisses Mike. She then looks over at Edie and grabs at Mike to share a long passionate kiss with him.) Edie: "Uh, Mike?" (Mike glances at her, still lip-locked with Susan, as they turn slightly.) Edie: "Mike? We're on the clock." (Edie's cell phone rings. She picks it up.) Edie: "Hey, Felicia, what's up?" (Her face saddens.) Mike: "Edie?" Edie: "They found Martha." [Gym] (Lynette, holding on to Penny, puts a Kleenex over Parker's nose. ) Lynette: "Here, blow. Good, all right. Come on, it's going to be fun. Follow me." (They walk up to the front desk, where there is a sign-in roster. All of the spaces are filled, but Lynette adds her name at the bottom anyway.) (The woman behind the desk, Lauren, stops her.) Lauren: "Excuse me. You can't do that." Lynette: "I'm here for the 10 a.m. yoga meditation class." Lauren: "Unfortunately, the day care center is full." Lynette: "Yeah, I noticed that, but every time I come here, it's full." Lauren: "It's a popular class, and the other moms come early. Look, all I can tell you is plan ahead next time."
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Lynette: "Uh, Lauren? I'm a mother of four. Today I had to get up at five, make lunches, make breakfast, drop the twins off at school, and get across town lugging a baby and a sick child. Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings. And it's things like being told to plan ahead that make me so crazy, that yoga is the only thing that relaxes me, except I show up here, and I can't get in, and you tell me to plan ahead. It's a vicious cycle. See how that works?" Lauren: "I get it, but if I broke the rules for you, I'd have to break them for the other moms too, and then the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed at me, and I'd have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don't have time to read my magazine. See how that works?" Lynette: "I hope someday, you have lots of children." (Her cell phone rings and she picks it up.) Lynette: "Hello? Oh, hey, Susan. Listen, I can't talk, I'm in the middle of something here. What?" [Outside Bree's House] (A car pulls up to Bree's house. George gets out of the car and opens the door for Bree, who gets out.) George: "I had a wonderful time today." Bree: "Thank you. I did too." (George walks back around the car to the trunk and Bree glances up at the 2nd-story window. She slams her car door, still looking up at the window.) Bree: "Sorry I can't invite you in for coffee." George: "Oh, I get it. Rex still lives in the house. It would be awkward." Bree: "Yeah, and I would rather cut off my hand than hurt his feelings." (She slams down the trunk and looks up at the window again.) Bree: "It'll, um, it'll be a lot easier once he gets well enough to move out." George: "Do you want to have lunch tomorrow?" (Bree notices the curtain move, and knows Rex is watching. She gasps, and then leans forward and gives George a hug.) Bree: "I'd love to." George: "Okay. Wow!" Bree: "Pick me up at one and we'll do something fun." George: "See you then." Bree: "Oh, packages! Thank you." (George, who had forgot he was holding them, hands them to her.) (Bree's cell phone rings.) Bree: "Hello! Oh, hi, Lynette! What?" [Outside Gabrielle's House] (Two men with "U.S. Marshall" written on the backs of their jackets help a shackled Carlos out of the car.) (Gabrielle comes out the front door carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.) Gabrielle: "Hi, honey! Welcome home!" (Still handcuffed, Carlos gives Gabrielle a small wave as one of the men unlocks the handcuffs.) (Inside the house, Carlos walks the men to the door.) Carlos: "Thanks, guys. Take it easy." (The U.S. Marshalls walk out and he shuts the door behind them.) Gabrielle: "Come on, honey, let's celebrate! Sorry it's the cheap stuff. I had to economize. Now that you're back, we can restock the wine cellar. Let's toast." (They kiss.) Carlos: "Very good to be back" Gabrielle: "What's that?"
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(She sees a blinking device sitting in the living room.) (Carlos lifts up his foot and shows her another device attached to his ankle.) Carlos: "It transmits to this. My electronic monitoring device. didn't the lawyer tell you?" Gabrielle: "Tell me what?" Carlos: "I'm on house arrest. It's a condition of my bail." Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, he neglected to tell me that." Carlos: "Yeah, if I move more than a hundred feet from that telephone, an alarm sounds. If I keep going, it transmits a signal to the FBI, and I'm back in jail." Gabrielle: "But, how are you gonna work?" Carlos: "I can't. I can't do anything." Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, no! That's unreasonable. What do they expect us to do for money?" Carlos: "The lawyer's working on unfreezing the accounts. In the meantime, I mean, haven't you been working modeling jobs?" Gabrielle: "Carlos, this is not like New York where I made thousands of dollars a day modeling haute couture. I'm doing boat shows. I spend eight hours a day doing this!" (She poses, but with a sarcastic grimace on her face.) Carlos: "I'd buy two boats from you." (laughs) "Come on." (He hands her one of the glasses.) Carlos: "Where's my toast?" (They clink glasses.) Gabrielle (in a weary voice): "Welcome home." (She swallows the champagne and grimaces.) (The phone rings.) Gabrielle: "Hello. Hi, Bree. What?" [Martha Huber's House] (The police chief who came to tell Felicia of Mrs. Huber's death is sitting in the living room with Felicia. They get up and start walking to the door.) Police Chief: "If you find anything in your sister's belongings that might shed some light on her death, um, letters or a date book, please, call me immediately." Felicia: "I believe she did keep a diary of something. I'll look around for it." (They see a group of people standing outside on the sidewalk.) Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details." Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support." Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want." (She continues to smile, wickedly, and then steps forward.) Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death." (The crowd is shocked.) Felicia: "Yes, I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks." (She smiles and walks inside the house.)
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(Susan, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree all have looks of disbelief on their faces.) [Outside, Early Morning] Mary Alice Voiceover:"By the next morning, everyone on Wisteria Lane was aware of Martha Huber's demise, with no exceptions." (One of Lynette's children is drawing a picture of stick figures that shows a smiling woman with purple lips lying down, and two police officers in blue uniforms and huge yellow badges.) Lynette: "Okay, boys." Twin: "Hey, mom." Lynette: "You see this gum? If you promise to be quiet while I am downstairs playing cards, it's all yours. Deal?" All three children: "Yeah!" Lynette: "Yeah, okay. That's what I like to hear." (She hands them the gum and they grab for it.) (Downstairs, Bree, Gabrielle, and Susan are sitting around the table with the cards.) Bree: "I mean, what are the odds? First Mary Alice and then Mrs. Huber? I mean, it's shocking." Gabrielle: "Yeah, but this is different. Someone was actually murdered on our street." Lynette: "I remember talking to her right before she disappeared." Susan: "You did? What'd you talk about?" Lynette: "Oh, actually, she yelled at me for not bringing my garbage cans in." Bree: "I'm gonna miss her." (The doorbell rings. Lynette answers it.) Lynette: "Edie!" Edie: "Hi." Lynette: "Hi. Come on in." Edie: "Oh, you're all here." Lynette: "Yeah. Tuesday's poker day." Edie: "Really." Lynette: "Yeah." Edie: "Oh, you know, I love poker." (Everyone suddenly looks down at their cards.) Edie (slight laugh): "Okay, then. Well, here's the deal. Since the Ice Queen isn't doing anything to memorialize her sister, I have decided to carry Martha's ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them myself. It's where her husband proposed." Lynette: "That's so sweet." Edie: "I know. So, I thought that some of the neighbors could caravan up there, and we'd have a little ceremony. I've printed out maps if anyone needs one, and the dress is semi-formal." Gabrielle: "You know, Edie, I'd love to go, but, um, I just got back into modeling, you know, just for fun, and I have a gig tomorrow. I can't leave 'em hanging." Lynette: "I wish I would have known earlier. I would have arranged a sitter." Bree: "Damn, I have to take Rex to his angiogram." Edie: "Hmmm." (looking at Susan) "Well, Mayer, what's your excuse?" Susan: "I'm just, you know, busy. Stuff." Edie: "Well, your friends are much better liars." (She takes the map she had handed them earlier and stalks out, slamming the door behind her.) (Later, Lynette walks into a bedroom upstairs where the boys are.) Lynette: "Okay, Mommy's friends are gone now and you can - "
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(Porter and Preston are standing behind Parker, who is smiling. His hair is standing up all over, obviously with gum in it.) (Lynette exhales.) [Later...] (Lynette has Parker in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet seat as she tries to comb through the gum.) Parker: "Ow! Ow!" Lynette: "Well, yeah, I know it hurts, but that's what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair. Pain and misery." Parker: "Are you mad at me?" Lynette: "Yes! Yes! I am mad at you." Parker: "Ow!" Lynette: "And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well, mommies are the same way. We need our down time, and if we don't get it - " Parker: "Ow!" Lynette: "- sorry, we end saying and doing things which we don't normally do." Parker: "Ow!" Lynette: "And it's frustrating for me too, 'cause I do want to be the best mommy I can be." Parker: "I think you're the best mommy in the world." Lynette: "Oh. That's sweet of you, but it's not exactly true." (She goes to the cabinet and removes an electric razor. She turns it on and Parker hangs his head.) [Park] (Bree and George sit in the park on the ground, a picnic spread out around them. ) Bree: "I was so afraid when I suggested a picnic, that you'd make fun of me, but I just think it's such a lovely, old-fashioned way to spend an afternoon." George: "Well, as it happens, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy." Bree: "Oh, and we got so lucky with the weather, it's just absolutely - " (George reaches forward and put his hand on her hand on her leg. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She pulls her hand back.) Bree: "You know, your lunch hour is almost up. We should probably be getting you back to the pharmacy." George: "Wait. I've had such a good time, these last few days, I just want to show my appreciation." Bree: "Another gift? I hope it's not another orchid, they're so expensive." George: "Relax, this didn't cost me a dime." (He puts a box in front of her.) (Bree opens the box, exhales, puts her hand to her mouth.) Bree: "George, you shouldn't have." (Bree reaches down and pulls a pistol out of the box.) Bree: "This is a 9-mm Luger PO8!" George: "The moment you said you were in the NRA, I knew I wanted to give it to you." Bree: "I can't accept this, George! This is an antique. It's too valuable." George: "It's okay. My grandfather gave it to me. It was surrendered to him by a soldier during World War II. Since I don't know how to shoot..." Bree: "It's so lovely. I mean, look at the handle. Is that mother of pearl?" George: "I think so. Only the officer's models had that. Do you really like it?" Bree: "Oh, absolutely. George, this is just so much better than an orchid." (Bree raises the gun and looks down the line of sight. George puts his hand on her thigh. This time she reaches down and clasps his hand, squeezing it.)
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[Outside, Nighttime] (Susan walks over to Mrs. Huber's house, where Felicia is carrying boxes to the curb.) Susan: "Hi. Mrs. Mayer. I saw you from across the street. I thought you might need a hand." Felicia: "No, thanks." Susan: "I, I'm sorry for what happened. It must be really hard, not knowing who did it, or why. You must feel helpless." Felicia: "A bit. I'm hoping her journals will provide some insight." Susan: "Journals?" Felicia: "Yes, Martha kept them for years." Susan: "Oh. So, she must have written a lot of things in them?" Felicia: "Every mundane detail of her life. And everyone else's, for that matter. The police want to see them, but I'm stalling them 'til I have a chance to read through them first myself. wouldn't want any embarrassing family secrets getting out." Susan: "That's smart, that, that's good." (Felicia turns away.) Susan: "That's good to hear." (She turns and leaves.) [Susan's House] (Susan paces in the kitchen.) Susan: "I am so screwed." Julie: "Mom, calm down." Susan: "Everything about the fire and the measuring cup is gonna be in that journal. Everyone is gonna think I'm an arsonist." Julie: "It may not be as bad as it looks." Susan: "What, you think there's a chance Mrs. Huber didn't write about it in the journal?" Julie: "Please. It's great dirt. I even put it in my journal. you're gonna have to get to Mrs. Britt and come clean. Convince her it was an accident. If she doesn't press charges, the police will probably just let it go." Susan: "Are you high? Edie hates me." Julie: "That's why you're gonna grovel at her feet and beg forgiveness." (Susan stares at Julie.) Julie: "That's right. you're gonna have to suck up to Edie Britt." [Mike's House, the following day] (Mike pulls his car into the driveway.) (When he walks up his porch, he finds the front door ajar. He walks in, looks around quickly and carefully, then strides to the kitchen, finds the cabinets open, and sees that the money, maps and notes are gone.) (The red light on the answering machine is blinking.) (The voice of Mr. Shaw, the mysterious ominous old man from the park, begins speaking from the machine.) Mr. Shaw: "Hey Mike, as you probably see by now, I took back my money and what little information you managed to dig up on your neighbors. Your replacement's going to need it. Pack up and move on with your life. Sorry about the mess." (Furious, Mike's hand sweeps across the table where the machine is sitting. Papers fly everywhere.) [Gym] (Lynette walks into the Yoga center with Penny and Parker. Parker wears a baseball cap.) Lynette: "We're here! Woo! Ten minutes early! Sign me up?" Lauren: "You just missed the rush, sorry." Lynette: "No! No! I, I planned ahead."
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(Parker takes off his hat and scratches his shaved head.) Lynette: "We're, we're ten minutes early." (Parker coughs.) Lauren: "Oh my god!" Lynette: "What?" Lauren: "When you said you had a sick child, I had no idea. How long has it been?" (Lynette looks at Parker. He looks down at the floor and coughs again.) Lynette: "Uh, it kind of snuck up on us." Lauren: "He's so young too. God, it just breaks my heart." Lynette: "Oh." (She laughs.) Lynette: "No, you see, here's the thing - " Lauren: "You go ahead into class. I'll find room for your kids." Lynette: "Okay." [Construction site] (Susan walks up to the site where Edie's house will be built. Construction workers are there, working.) Susan: "Hey, Edie!" Edie: "Susan." Susan: "Boy, I gotta say, I envy you." Edie: "In the name of God, why?" Susan: "Well, you get to build your dream house, for free. I mean, in a weird way, your house burning down was really a good thing." Edie: "There's nothing good about it. I can't replace the memories, the photographs, the - is there something you want?" Susan: "Okay, here's the deal, Edie. I, I - " Edie: "I, I, what? Spit it out already, I'm busy." Susan: "I just wanted to see how you were holding up. You know, with Mrs. Huber and everything." Edie: "My best friend was murdered and stuffed into a garbage bag. And nobody cares enough to go with me to spread her ashes." Susan: "I'll go with you, Edie." (Edie turns and looks at her.) [Gabrielle's House, nighttime] (A tired Gabrielle, in a gold dress, walks into the house carrying a red and white striped bucket of fried chicken.) Gabrielle (wearily): "Hey." Carlos: "Oh, thank God, I'm starving!" Gabrielle: "Well, dig in. I am way too tired to eat." (Carlos catches her wrist as she walks by.) Carlos: "I'm sorry." (She sits on the couch and he massages her shoulders.) Carlos: "So, did you get to go by the hospital? Visit Mama?" Gabrielle: "I worked ten hours today. I'll go by tomorrow. She doesn't even know when I'm there." Carlos: "She's gonna wake up soon, I know it." (He kisses her neck.) Carlos: "And you know what would make her really happy." Gabrielle (gets up): "If you say, a grandchild, so help me, God!"
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Carlos: "Gabrielle, please!" Gabrielle: "No, you promised, no babies!" Carlos: "Things change!" Gabrielle: "Yeah, I know. The Feds towed away my Maserati. My husband is, is a felon, and I spend my days getting groped by fat tracker salesmen at trade shows. I am well aware things change!" Carlos: "A baby is solid, a constant." Gabrielle: "And who is going to be changing the diapers when you're pumping iron in a Federal prison, huh? I like my lifestyle, and I don't want you to kill it." Carlos: "Well, look around, Gabrielle, it's already dead. And there's nothing you can control." Gabrielle: "Maybe. But having a baby, that, I can control. You, I can control." Carlos: "Hey, you can't talk to me like that. I'm still the man of this house." Gabrielle: "Oh, really?" (She bends down and picks up the bucket of fried chicken.) Gabrielle: "The man of the house?" (She turns and walks toward the front door. She grabs a large white paper bag as she walks.) Carlos: "Don't walk away from me! Hey, hey! My food!" (She walks out the front door.) Carlos: "Gabrielle, come back here right now!" (She hurries down the steps and down the sidewalk.) Gabrielle: "I wouldn't go too much farther, you're going to end up back in prison." Carlos: "Damn it! Gabrielle! Get inside now!" (She sits down on the edge of the road on the other side of the street. She opens up the bucket of fried chicken.) Gabrielle: "Mmm." Carlos: "Hey, I waited all day for that!" Gabrielle: "Mmm, it's perfect! Oh, mm, crispy and burnt on the outside but nice and steamy on the inside." (Carlos takes a few tentative steps forward and his ankle bracelet begins flashing and beeping.) Gabrielle:"Uh, uh, uh! Mmmm. Mmmm. you're the man of the house? You can't even leave it!" (She holds up a piece of meat, dangling it over her open mouth, then drops it slowly into her mouth.) (Carlos gives a beastly cry of indignation, turns around, clasps his hands on the back of his neck and stomps back into the house.) [Nighttime] (A car pulls up near a barn. George and Bree get out. As George carries a bag of empty bottles, Bree sets them up on a fence post.) George: "I love this. It's like a little adventure. I've never fired a gun before." Bree: "The memory of this night will stay with you forever." George: "Really?" Bree: "Oh, yeah. You always remember your first time. God, I hope I brought enough bullets." George: "You know, Bree, I can't tell you what these past few days have meant to me, finally getting out of the house and trying new things." Bree: "Well, we sure have had some fun." George: "No, no, it's, it's more than that. I'm starting to forget what it feels like to be lonely." Bree: "Oh, George, that's so sweet. Now come on, let's go shoot something!" (Standing by the car, Bree holds the gun as she instructs George.) Bree: "Now before I fire a handgun, I like to go over a few of the basics just to make sure I'm ready. Okay? So, number one, a strong stance."
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(She points the gun in front of her, looking down the line of sight.) Bree: "Two, high hand grasp. Three, hard grip. Four, front sight. Five, release the safety, and then squeeze the trigger slowly." George: "What's a high hand grasp?" Bree: "Here. Take the gun." (Bree gives it to him, then stands behind him to help him position himself. The car headlights shine on them. We see the fence and two bottles in the distance.) Bree: "Okay. Now when you're firing a semi-automatic, you want the web of your hand all the way up against the edge of the back strap." George: "What is that perfume you're wearing?" Bree: "Uh, I'm not wearing perfume." George: "Are you sure? Because you smell amazing?" Bree: "Oh, I was making macaroons before I left the house." Bree: "Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it. Got it?" George (grinning): "I think so." Bree:" Okay, now all you have to do is take a deep breath..." (George turns his head, looking at Bree, Bree is looking at the gun.) Bree: "...and squeeze the trigger." (George's lips move towards Bree's face and then he kisses her.) Bree (squeals): "George!" (The gun goes off and George falls to the ground, screaming and clutching his leg.) (He lies on the ground, screaming with pain as Bree hovers over him.) [Hospital] (Bree walks into George's hospital room carrying a tall white vase with beautiful flowers. George has a big cast on his leg. He stares up at the ceiling.) Bree: "Hey. Hi, George. I'm so sorry you lost your toe. The doctor said it's your middle one so your balance shouldn't be affected. I mean, this really won't change your life one little bit. Please say something." George: "I've always dreamed that before I died, I would get to kiss a truly beautiful woman. I finally get the chance, and I end up blowing off a toe. I'm not surprised. This type of thing always happens to me, you know. I know I'll get over it. But the thing that I don't think I'll ever get over, is that when I did kiss you, you pulled away from me." (George turns and looks at her for the first time.) George: "Why did you do that, Bree?" Bree: "I was just caught off guard." George: "But, we're dating. Why would it be so surprising I would try to kiss you?" Bree: "I'm still married to Rex. I mean, we're not even legally separated yet." George: "He cheated on you. You said you were going to hate him forever." Bree: "You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. We tend to lie." (George turns away from Bree and she walks out of the room.) [Gym] (Lynette walks into the Yoga center pushing Penny in a stroller. Plenty of people are in the waiting area, and she accidentally bumps into one of them.) Lynette: "Hi, sorry." (She looks at the clock. 10:10 a.m.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette knew serious illness was not a matter to be treated lightly."
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(She reaches down and picks up Parker and puts him on her hip.) Parker: "What are you doing?" Lynette: "I'm just picking up my sick poor little baby boy. All right, here." (She takes his hat off, to show his shaved head.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But making her yoga class was a matter of life and death." (She works her way to the desk.) Lynette: "Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Lauren! Hi. We had a really rough morning." Lauren: "Don't give it another thought." (Lynette smiles.) [Outside, on a road] (Edie's car is by the side of the road. Susan rolls a tire to the trunk as Edie leans against the car.) Edie: "I bet you were a cheerleader in high school, weren't you?" Susan: "My junior year. How'd you know?" Edie: "Girls like you were always cheerleaders. Clear skin. Honor Roll. Popular. In high school, I was the girl that hung out with the freaks at the loading dock. And smoked. Everyone hated us." Susan: "Well, you know high school. Thank God we leave that behind!" Edie: "See, I don't think we do." (Susan twists the torque wrench to tighten a lug nut on the tire.) Edie: "I'm still the outsider that doesn't get invited to the cool parties, and you're still the perky cheerleader who thinks that she can pull the wool over everyone's eyes." Susan (cautious): "What?" Edie: "You came on this trip, paid for the gas, and look at you, you're changing this flat when you know I have auto club. You want something from me." Susan: "I just know Mrs. Huber's death's been hard on you. I want to help." Edie: "That's a lie." Susan: "Why would you think I was lying?" Edie: "Because we're still in high school. The old rules apply. The cool kids only want to talk to the freaks when they need something. Now you're not getting back in my car until you tell me what it is that you want." Susan: "Okay. Look, uh, I, I just haven't always treated you well, and I want to make amends." Edie: "Hm. I still think you're full of crap. But we don't have time to debate this." (Susan puts the torque wrench in the trunk and Edie closes it.) Susan: "You know, for what it's worth, I would have talked to you in high school." Edie: "Of all the lies you told, that's the worst." [Mr. Shaw's House] (Mike closes the door to his SUV, then climbs a small hill to a large white house, with a huge front porch. He turns the corner on the porch and sees Mr. Shaw sitting there.) Mr. Shaw: "Single malt?" (Mike stares at him.) Mr. Shaw: "Have a seat. Take a load off." Mike: "I want it all back. My maps, pictures, my gun, and the money." Mr. Shaw: "Oh, my money." Mike: "You are never gonna get anybody who cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do!" Mr. Shaw: "Why? Because you loved her so much? You abandoned her, remember? You saved yourself, found yourself a nice, safe wife, and you left my daughter to rot, so forgive me if I question your level of commitment." (Mike grabs him, spins him around, pushing him against one of the square porch pillars, and places his
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forearm against his throat. Still holding him there, he begins speaking.) Mike: "I need to do this! Why are you fighting me?" Mr. Shaw: "Because you haven't been moving fast enough. And I'm running out of time." Mike: "What do you mean?" Mr. Shaw: "It seems I have a tumor. Apparently, it's pressing on my brain." (Mike backs off.) Mr. Shaw: "I'm gonna die. And I'd like to know what happened to my daughter before I do." [Gym] (Lynette is talking to Lauren.) Lynette: "Ah. That was the best class ever. You can just terrific, thank you." Lauren: "Oh, Lynette, this is my friend Kelly." Kelly: "Hi." Lynette: "Hi!" Lauren: "She wanted to meet Parker." Lynette: "Oh, really? Why?" Kelly: "I'm a survivor. Breast cancer. About six years ago. Can I hug your son?" Lynette: "Sure." (Kelly kneels down to eye level with Parker.) Kelly: "I know exactly what you're going through. But you're gonna be brave, okay? You are going to survive this, because you are a tough little soldier." (Kelly looks like she is about to cry, and then she hugs Parker. Parker turns and looks at Lynette.) Parker: "Mommy? Am I dying?" (Lynette glances first at Kelly, then at Lauren. She gets down on her knees, eye level with Parker. She makes a funny face with big eyes as she looks him in the eye.) Lynette: "No! you're not dying! People just think that because I shaved your head." Kelly: "You shaved his head?" Parker: "Yeah, my brothers put bubble gum in my hair." Lynette: "Sorry." (Starts walking away) "Excuse me." Mary Alice Voiceover:"And just like that, Lynette realized the road to enlightenment and spiritual well being was now closed to her." [Outside Bree's House] (Bree gardens near her front steps when George, on a pair of crutches, comes up to her.) Bree: "Oh George! What - what a surprise!" George: "See, I've been doing a lot of thinking, since we talked in the hospital. And - " Bree: "And-?" George: "Bree, I don't care what we call it! We can call it dating, we can call it hanging out. Whatever it is, I just want to be with you. See, uh, I really need our friendship back." Bree: "I don't think that would be wise." George: "Why not?" Bree: "Well, I mean, wouldn't you keep hoping that in time I would feel the same way about you as you feel about me?" George: "Maybe." (Bree smiles ruefully and shakes her head slightly.) Bree: "Oh, George." George: "I wish you wouldn't say 'Oh, George' like that. Like I'm so pathetic for even thinking you could love me someday."
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Bree: "I don't think you're pathetic. It's just that...I can't." George: "Aw, geez. Oh, geez!" (He turns and heads back to his car as fast as he can maneuver on the crutches.) Bree: "Oh, George, please don't go!" (He hobbles away, faster and faster.) Bree: "Why can't we talk this over? George, I - " (She reaches out to stop him. He twists away when she touches him and he loses his balance, falling down the brick steps at the end of her front walk, and landing in a heap on the side walk.) Bree: "Oh my God! George, here." (She starts toward him to help him.) George (anguished): "Get away from me!" (Bree jumps back in alarm.) Bree: "You can lean on me." George: "I don't need you! I don't need anybody!" (By now, he's picked himself up and he slowly makes his way around to the driver's side of the car.) [Gabrielle's House] (Carlos lies on the bed while Gabrielle comes in from the closet, carrying her shoes. She sits on the bed to put the on.) Gabrielle: "You know honey, tonight's the last night of the boat show. We'll be able to spend some time together before that home and garden thing next week. Carlos." Carlos: "I'm going to jail. And you're not gonna be here when I get back." Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos: "It's true. And I won't blame you." Gabrielle: "Don't talk like that. Everything is going to be fine. We're going to sort this mess out, and you're gonna be on top again." Carlos: "Gabrielle, they could find me guilty on every charge. I could go to prison for five years. we'd probably have to sell the house, you'd have to keep working." Gabrielle: "Okay, Carlos - " Carlos: "If that happens, can you promise you won't ever leave?" Gabrielle: "I promise." (She leans forward and kisses him on the lips.) Gabrielle: "I've gotta go." [Torch Lake] (Susan is rowing a boat to the middle of the lake while Edie sits with Mrs. Huber's ashes in her lap.) Edie: "This is far enough." Susan: "Do you need help with the container?" Edie: "No, I got it open. I'm good." (Edie looks up at the sky.) Susan: "So, what are you waiting for?" Edie: "I just need a moment, okay?" Susan: "Oh, of course, take your time." (Edie begins sobbing.) Susan: "Are you okay?" Edie (sobs): "Oh, I'm just so grateful." Susan: "I know, I know. Mrs. Huber was a good friend to you." (She puts her hands on Edie's lap.)
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Edie: "I'm not talking about Martha. I'm grateful to you." Susan: "Me?" Edie: "Yeah, I've been such a bi*ch to you over the years, and here you are, rowing me out to dump her ashes." Susan: "Well, it's, it's really no, no big deal." Edie: "Yes, it is. You stepped up when nobody else would. And here I am, thinking you have an ulterior motive. God, Susan, you're such a good person. And I'm such a bich!" Susan: "Well, Edie, you're not that bad, and, and, and believe me, I'm, I'm not that good." Edie: "Oh, yes you are." Susan: "Oh, please don't do this." Edie: "Martha may be gone, but the good Lord above has shown me that I'm not alone." (Susan's eyes look cautiously at the sky.) Edie: "I am so grateful that I still have a true friend." (Edie reaches out her hand. Susan takes it.) Edie: "Thank you, Susan." Susan: "Edie, I burned your house down." Edie: "Huh?" Susan: "I was scared that you were sleeping with Mike, and so I let myself in, and I, I snuck around, I accidentally knocked a candle over, and the whole, just, I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?" (Edie takes her hand back. Then, she throws Martha's ashes in Susan's face.) Edie: "Row me back. Now." (Susan coughs a plume of gray ash.) [Mr. Shaw's House] (Mike and the Mr. Shaw are sitting on his porch.) Mike: "I'm sorry about before, shoving you, I didn't mean to." (Mr. Shaw laughs.) Mr. Shaw: "I'm not going to break. I'm sorry too, for questioning your commitment, your guts. I know better than that." Mike: "Yeah, you should. I keep this with me, all the time. To remind me why I'm there." (He hands Mr. Shaw a wrinkled photograph of a young Mike with a beautiful woman.) Mr. Shaw: "If it turns out someone hurt her, I want them dead." Mike: "We need to be sure before we do anything." Mr. Shaw: "Well, when you're sure. I know I can trust you to take care of it. After all, you already killed for her once." [Gabrielle's House] (Carlos is vacuuming the house. Gabrielle comes down the stairs, blows him a kiss, and then walks out. Carlos waits till she's gone, then turns off the vacuum and goes over to the phone and dials a number.) Carlos: "Yes, is this the pharmacy? My wife asked me to call. She lost her prescription. Gabrielle Solis. Yeah, the birth control pills." (As he continues talking, it becomes a voiceover for what Carlos begins doing.) Carlos: "Great. she'll be very relieved. Can she get enough for several months? Yeah, that's right, better safe than sorry. Thanks a lot. Oh, do you guys deliver?" (Carlos removes the pills from a prescription bag and very carefully, slits open the package. Then, he methodically replaces them with something else.) [Susan's House, outside] (Edie's car pulls up and stops outside Susan's house.)
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Susan: "Edie, please talk to me." (Edie looks away and says nothing.) Susan: "I've been thinking about this for the last ninety miles and you don't have to forgive me. You can go to the police, kick me, you can burn my house down. You just have to know that I am so racked with guilt, I don't think it's possible for me to suffer any more than I'm already suffering." Edie: "Boy, I'd like to put that theory to the test." Susan: "Well, whatever you want to do, Edie, just know that I'm sorry." (Susan gets out of the car and walks slowly up her walkway. Edie gets out of the car and leans against it to call out to Susan.) Edie: "I'm not going to the police." Susan: "You're not?" Edie: "No. The insurance company will just want to investigate, and it will delay my check." Susan: "Thank you." Edie: "But-" (She closes her car door and walks around the car to meet Susan.) Edie: "There is something I want you to do for me." Susan: "Of course, anything. Uh, you name it! What?" Edie: "I want to be invited to your poker game." Susan: "Our poker games?" Edie: "I'm not saying that I'll go. And I'm not saying that you and your little friends have to be nice to me. But, every once in a while, yeah! It'd be nice to be asked." Susan: "Well, we meet on Tuesdays, and it's potluck lunch. Everybody has to bring something." Edie: "I'm not bringing anything." Susan: "Oh, you don't have to. Well, this is good. Thank you. I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off of me." Edie: "Hold it. I can't stand the thought of Martha's ashes going down some sewer drain." Susan: "Well, Edie, I, I have to clean up." Edie: "Well, this is such a beautiful lawn. We could put her to rest right here!" Susan: "On my front lawn?" Edie: "Why not? She could spend all of eternity looking at her house, and keep an eye on the neighborhood. she'd like that. Stand over here, I'll hose you off." Susan: "I don't think so." Edie: "You owe me!" (Susan slowly walks onto the lawn.) Edie: "Martha, I'm gonna miss you." (Edie hoses her down.) [Mrs. Huber's House] (Felicia is looking at a flier advertising the disappearance of Mrs. Martha Huber.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Death is inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us." (Felicia crumples the flier and throws it away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Whether it is the thrill of romance..." (Carlos and Gabrielle are kissing on their couch, and he reclines her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The joy of raising a family..." (Lynette is trying to yoga, and three boys go running by, one bumps her. ) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Or the anguish of great loss..."
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(Mike is looking at the photograph again.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful." (Mr. Shaw is looking at a photograph of a young woman.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But the sad fact is, not all lives have meaning." (We see George walk into his house. He turns on the TV and sits down in an easy chair, pulling a TV dinner towards him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines..." (The TV is showing a copy of the security recording from the pharmacy. It shows Bree making a purchase.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...waiting for something to happen to them, before it's too late." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1X13 - Your Fault -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:previously on "desperate housewives"... Bree:Were you with a woman? George: He cheated on you.You said you were going to hate him forever. Bree:You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes ending a relationship... George: I don't care what we call it.I just want to be with you. Bree:I don't think that would be wise. Mary Alice Voiceover:...can be very hard. Gabrielle: I'm the one who was sleeping with your son.But, Helen, it's over now. Mary Alice Voiceover:But keeping secrets... Helen Rowland:It's not even close to being over. Mary Alice Voiceover:...is even harder. Julie:I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Zach:I killed my baby sister. [A car drives down Wisteria Lane. It pulls into Susan's driveway and we see that it's Susan. She looks over at Lynette's house, where Lynette is lecturing her boys on the front lawn.] Lynette: "...okay, your 30 seconds is up now. Get back here, get back here, get back here. I want the toys picked up. How many times do I have to tell you, pick up your toys! You want a spanking? Is that what you want?" (The boys shout back at her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"There is a look that parents of well behaved children, give to the parents of the not so well behaved..." Lynette: "Porter, don't you dare look at me like that. I will wipe that smirk right off your face. And don't think that I won't..." Mary Alice Voiceover:"A look that says 'You should learn to control your kids.'" (Lynette catches sight of Susan looking over at her and trails off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...after all, they're your responsibility." (Lynette smiles and gives Susan an embarrassed shrug. Susan gets her groceries out of her car and walks to her front door.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, it was easy for Susan to feel smug with a daughter like Julie. She always brought home straight A's." (Flashback to a grinning Julie showing Susan her report card.) Susan (squeals): "Oh, you did it again!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was helpful around the house." (Flashback to Julie pulling a Christmas tree out of the front door to the end of the driveway after Christmas.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was bright, affectionate, and considerate of others." (Julie sits on the curb, consoling the mailman, with mail strewn everywhere. Julie turns her head to look at Susan next to a turned over pink bicycle, with a letter caught in the spokes of the front wheel.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"To her mother's way of thinking, Julie was the perfect child. Unfortunately, Susan was about to discover that no such creature existed." (Susan looks in the window of the door and sees Zach and Julie kissing. She opens the door.) Julie: "Mom!" Susan: "What is going on here? Were you just kissing my daughter?" Zach: "I...uh...a little." Susan: "What are you thinking?" Julie: "Mom, calm down." Susan: "She's only fourteen!" Zach: "Yeah, I should, I should probably be going." Susan: "You think?" (Susan hands Zach his glasses.) Zach: "See you Friday." (He leaves and Susan turns to Julie.) Susan: "What is he talking about? What's happening on Friday?" Julie: "He's taking me to the school dance." Susan: "Oh, no he's not." Julie: "Mom, I know you saw us kissing, but you've got to chill now." Susan: "Don't tell me to chill, I have no intentions of chilling." Julie: "Whatever. I'm taking out the trash." Susan: "You're not going, you're going to stay here and talk about this." Julie: "I'm not going to talk to you while you're freaking out." Susan: "Just so we're clear, you are not allowed to see him anymore." (Susan follows Julie outside, still arguing with her, as Julie walks to the trash can.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"There is also a look that parents of not so well behaved children give to parents like Susan." Julie: "Fine!" (She drops the trash on the ground next to the trash car and storms inside. Susan looks up and sees Lynette standing on her own lawn, watching.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It says 'welcome to the club'" (Lynette tilts her head and gives a smile.) Credits [Outside Paul's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Suburbia is a place filled with responsible people trying to live responsible lives." (Paul is shown bringing in the trash, and then painting his fence.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, even the most responsible among us, has mistakes in their past." (Focus in on Gabrielle's house and Carlos inside, reading a magazine on the couch.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"Mistakes they'd like to forget. Mistakes that sometimes come back to haunt them." (Gabrielle walks by the couch holding an open peanut butter jar with a spoon in it, then hears a car door slam. She looks out the window and sees the parents of John walking towards her house.) Gabrielle: "I'm gonna go get the mail." (Gabrielle quickly walks out of the house carrying the peanut butter.) Gabrielle: "Helen, uh, what are you doing here?" Helen: "Hello, Gabrielle. I don't believe you've met my husband, Bob." Gabrielle: "Hi! So nice to meet you." (She reaches out to shake his hand, and then holds it and starts dragging him along away from the windows in her house.) Bob Rowland: "Um, we, uh, came to talk to you about our son." Gabrielle: "I haven't seen John in weeks. He's called and left messages, but I haven't returned any. It's over, I swear." Helen Rowland: "We're not here about that. We need you to do something for us." Gabrielle: "Oh, okay." Bob Rowland: "John surprised us last night when he announced he was turning down his college scholarship." Helen Rowland: "Instead, he's decided to expand his gardening business. Mow lawns full time." Gabrielle: "Well, why, uh, why would he do that?" Helen Rowland: "We don't know why. Do you think we'd be talking to you if we did?" Bob Rowland: "You'll have to forgive my wife. She's still upset over the whole, um..." Helen Rowland: "Statutory rape thing." Bob Rowland: "Helen!" Gabrielle: "What do you want me to do?" Bob Rowland: "He's refusing to talk to us. If you could just convince him that he's making a big mistake..." Gabrielle: "John and I made a clean break. I think it's best if we just keep our distance." Bob Rowland: "Please. Last week he turned eighteen and moved out of the house. We're stuck." Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. I, I'm so sorry, I just can't handle this right now. I have my own personal things going on. My life is falling apart." Helen Rowland: "I don't care." Bob Rowland: "Helen." Helen Rowland: "We haven't gone to the police about what you did. That can easily change." Gabrielle: "I'll see what I can do." Helen Rowland: "Good." (They start to leave. ) Bob Rowland: "So nice to meet you!" (Gabrielle gives an automatic smile. Helen clears her throat and glares at Bob, who follows her.) [Lynette's House] (Lynette stands on a ladder that's propped against the side of the house up to the roof. The two twins stand on the sidewalk, looking up, watching her.) Lynette: "You can do this, all right? Just, just scootch down a few inches, and I'll grab you." Parker (sitting on the roof): "No, you'll drop me!" Lynette: "I'm not gonna drop you. I might strangle you for climbing up here in the first place. But drop you, no. Come on!" (The car that has just pulled up to the sidewalk honks its horn. A man climbs out of the car and walks toward Preston and Porter, who rush at him. He gives them big hugs as Tom gets out of the car.)
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Lynette: "Okay. Just wait." (She begins climbing down the ladder.) Tom: "Look who I found wandering around the airport!" Lynette: "Hey, Rodney!" Tom: "Is Parker back up on the roof?" Lynette: "Yep." Tom: "See if he can find that frisbee while he's up there." Lynette: "Yeah, I'm gonna get right on that." Rodney: "Oh! How's my favorite girl?" (They hug.) Lynette: "I'm so happy to see you. It's such a shame that Alison couldn't make it." Rodney: "Oh, just another business trip for the wandering salesman. She'd be bored to tears." (He looks up at the roof where Parker is sitting.) Rodney: "Hey, Parker! Come on, aren't you going to give me a hug?" (Parker shakes his head no.) Rodney: "It's grandpa!" (He holds open his arms.) Lynette: "Don't take it personally. He's scared to climb down." Rodney: "Oh, can I give it a shot?" Lynette: "Uh, yeah, sure, knock yourself out! Be careful." (Rodney climbs up the ladder.) Rodney: "Parker. I've got a question for you. It's only one, but it's kinda an important question. A character defining question, actually. Wanna hear it?" Parker: "Mm-hmm." Rodney: "Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you're not a little girl, are you?" (Lynette's expression changes like she can't believe what she's hearing.) Rodney: "I'm not looking at a little girly girl, am I?" (Rodney cocks his head and looks quizzically at Parker. Lynette cocks her head and her expression changes to disbelief.) (A few minutes later, Rodney climbs down the ladder with Parker on his back. ) Lynette: "Are you okay?" (Rodney, breathing hard with Parker on his back, jogs into the house as Tom comes out.) Tom (to Rodney): "Wow, you got him down!" (to Lynette) "How'd he do that?" Lynette: "Sexism." [Bree's House] (Bree and Rex sit opposite each other at the dining room table. There are six lawyers at the table with them, three on each side.) Bree's Lawyer: "Let's start off by addressing the division of assets." Rex's Lawyer: "Well, we're not prepared to discuss either the primary residence or the retirement plans at this time." Bree's Lawyer: "Are you prepared to discuss the cars, the antiques?" Rex's Lawyer: "I'd like to start by discussing the country club membership. Access to the facilities is integral to Dr. Van de Kamp's medical practice here..." Rex: "What are we doing here?" Rex's Lawyer: "I'm sorry, Rex?" Rex: "I'm talking to my wife. Surrounded by lawyers, dividing up our stuff? I don't want this. I thought I did, but
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I don't. Maybe we should talk this over before it's too late. What do you say, Bree? Should we send the vultures home?" (There's a long pause as Bree looks at Rex. Then she turns to her lawyer.) Bree: "I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis. And he hates buffets." Bree's Lawyer: "Okay. If you'll turn to page two of our proposed settlement, you'll find our prioritized list." Rex's Lawyer: "Right." [Paul's House] (Paul sits down in a chair, smiling.) Paul: "They were kissing, huh?" Susan: "Right at my kitchen table." Paul: "You must have shocked the hell out of them." (He laughs.) Susan: "Well, I'm glad you can laugh about this." Paul: "They're just being kids." Susan: "This is easy for you. You're the father of the boy. I'm the mother of the girl. You know, if things get out of hand..." [In the next room, Zach comes quietly up to the closed door and listens.] Paul: "Now, what is it that you want from me?" Susan: "Well, I want to know that I am not the only one who is worried about this, and I want to know that if the two of them are over here, that they are going to be supervised, and I really want you to stop looking at me like I'm crazy." Paul: "The only reason I'm smiling is because it's practically irrelevant. I've sold the house." Susan: "Really!" (Very quietly, Zach opens the door and peeks his head in.) Paul: "Mm-hmm. We'll be moving at the end of the month." Zach: "You sold the house?" Paul: "Zach..." Zach: "Why didn't you tell me about this?" Paul: "I wanted to wait until it was official." Zach: "But you told me when I got back from Silvercrest that you'd reconsidered. You lied to me." Paul: "I think you need to take your medicine." Zach: "What, you think pumping me full of drugs is gonna keep me quiet?" Paul: "Upstairs, now!" Zach: "You don't care about me, and you didn't care about mom! You know what? I wish she had shot you instead!" (He leave the room.) Susan: "So you're moving! We're all going to miss you." [Outside Lynette's House] (Lynette drives her car into her driveway, talking to her kids.) Lynette: "In the future, checklist means 'is it in the car' not like, 'do you remember', okay?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning, before Parker Scavo's Little League game had even begun..." (Lynette stops the car and Parker runs out of the car. Lynette quickly follows.) Parker: "Okay!" Lynette (to herself): "I'm not the one who forgot my mitt." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a major player was about to be tagged out." (They enter the house. Parker runs upstairs while Lynette walks through the living room. She stops suddenly
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when Rodney and a woman both peek their heads over the couch from where they were lying.) Lynette: "Hi." Rodney: "Hi. I thought you guys were at practice." Lynette: "Oh, Parker, um, forgot his catcher's mitt." Rodney: "Uh, Lynette, this is Lois McDaniel. She's one of my major suppliers in the area. She's a paper products manufacturer." Lynette: "Oh." (Lynette goes around the couch to shake hands and trips over Lois's high heels, lying off to the side.) Lynette: "Uh, it's nice to meet you." Lois: "It's nice to meet you, too. You have a lovely home." Lynette: "Thank you." Rodney: "Just working out, uh, some of these new contracts." (Lois turns towards Rodney as he talks and quickly buttons up parts of her blouse that were open. Regardless of having her back turned to Lynette, Lynette can tell what she's doing.) Rodney: "Hammering out some of the little things, the minor details, overhead, shipping costs." (Parker comes running into the room, holding a pair of stockings.) Parker: "Mommy, look what I found!" Lois: "I'm sorry. These are mine. Thank you. They must have fallen out of my purse." (Lynette stares accusingly at Rodney while Lois puts them back in her purse.) Lynette: "Well, um, we don't want to be late for the game. Nice to meet you!" (She herds Parker out, but not before glaring back at Rodney.) [Bree's House] (Bree is cleaning up the kitchen, Rex walks in.) Rex: "Hey!" Bree: "I'm not speaking to you." Rex: "Didn't like the settlement talks, huh?" Bree: "You only demanded the good china because you know I love it." Rex: "You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!" Bree: "Hardly? How about never!" Rex: "I mean, fine. When I move out, I'm going to use your good china for take-out food. Yeah. Pizza, spare ribs..." Bree: "You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!" Rex: "Isn't divorce fun?" (Bree looks at her watch.) Bree: "It's time for your heart medication." Rex: "You know I meant what I said at that meeting. I will fire my lawyer tomorrow, just give me the word." Bree: "Sweetie, I think it's too late." Rex: "Why?" Bree: "Because you were unfaithful." Rex: "But, if you could find a way to forgive me, if we could find a way to be happy, wouldn't you want that?" Bree (exhales): "You know what I really truly want? Revenge. I mean, if somehow we could level the playing field, then, um, maybe I could find a way to come back." Rex (laughs): "So what does that mean? You want to have an affair?" (They look at each other. Bree doesn't answer.) Rex: "Okay, uh, who are we talking about here? The dopey pharmacist?" Bree: "Would that hurt you Rex? If I slept with another man?"
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Rex: "It would devastate me." (They look at each other again. And then Bree hands him a glass of water.) Bree: "Here you go." Rex: "Bree. You, you can't possibly..." Bree: "Rex. Time to take your medicine." (Rex quickly throws the pills in his mouth and then drinks from the glass of water, frowning, as he watches Bree walk out of the kitchen.) [Susan's House, Nighttime] (Susan puts a tea kettle filled with water on the stove when the phone rings. She starts walking toward it when Julie shouts from upstairs.) Julie: "I got it!" (Susan hesitates, then picks up the phone.) Julie: "...she doesn't hate you. My mom just worries." Zach: "She thinks I'm crazy." Julie's voice: "No, she doesn't. Well, maybe a little." Zach: "You didn't tell her what I told you, did you, about what happened to Dana?" Julie: "Zach, I can keep a secret. I promise I will never tell her." (The tea kettle starts whistling.) Zach: "What's that noise?" (Susan quickly hangs up the phone.) [Diner] (Bree sitting alone in the diner. A waitress pours her coffee and walks away. George enters the diner, sees her, and pauses. He fingers a knife on the empty table he's passing by, then puts a smile on his face and walks up to her.) Bree: "Hi! Wha-What are you doing here?" George: "I was walking outside, and I saw you in the window. I was surprised. I never thought of you as a diner person." Bree: "I'm not. The coffee is just dreadful. Well, it's late, and I needed to get out of the house, and it was the only place still open." George: "I didn't mean to interrupt." (He starts to walk away.) Bree: "George, would you like to join me for a dreadful cup of coffee?" (Later, Bree and George are both sitting in the booth, talking.) Bree: "It was my first week in college, and I went to a meeting of the young Republicans where Rex gave a speech, and I went up to him afterward and introduced myself, and I told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty. He took me out to a diner, and we, uh, stayed up till two in the morning talking about big government, gun control and illegal immigration. Ah. It was just--it was just such a magical night, and I knew, by the time he got me back to my dorm, that one day I was going to be Mrs. Rex Van de Kamp." George: "Wow." Bree: "And even now, you know, after the betrayal, I, I know that we're supposed to be together. But I don't know how I can be with someone I don't trust." George: "So, what are you gonna do?" Bree: "That I don't know. What do you think I should do?" George: "You're asking me?" Bree: "Oh, I should not have done that. I am..." George: "No, no. It's okay."
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Bree: "No, George, it's not okay. It was insensitive. I know how you feel about me, and I..." George: "Bree, I want to help." Bree: "Thank you." George: "So, does he love you?" Bree: "Yes." George: "Is he a good person?" Bree: "Aside from the adultery, yes." George: "Then it's easy. If I could get a good person to love me, I would find a way to forgive them." Bree: "You are such a special man, George Williams. And you deserve such a special woman." George: "I think so." (Under the table, his hand clenches into a fist, squeezing hard on his pants.) (Later, Bree arrives home and hangs up her coat. She looks over at the couch, where Rex is sleeping. She quietly goes up the stairs. On the couch, Rex lies on his side, his eyes open. Once Bree has left, he rolls over and looks at the clock. Almost 2 AM.) [Lynette's House] (Rodney takes a bagel out of the toaster oven and tries to put butter on it quickly. As he's leaving the kitchen, he runs into Lynette and heaves a sigh.) Lynette: "Where are you going?" Rodney: "Oh, I thought I'd just eat this in my room." Lynette: "You know, the house isn't that big, Rodney. You're going to have to stop avoiding me." Rodney: "Okay, okay. Lois isn't a supplier." Lynette (sarcastic emphasis): "Really..." Rodney: "And I want to apologize. I, I thought you and the kids were going to be gone all afternoon. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" Lynette: "Well, for starters, you can wipe that disgusting smirk off your face." Rodney: "Lynette!" Lynette: "How could you do something like this to Alison?" Rodney: "I don't know. I don't know, it happens a little bit at a time. Years go by, the kids burn you out, I'm on the road so much, we just drifted apart. It's complicated." Lynette: "It's not complicated. It's completely irresponsible." Rodney: "For years, I have stayed married to a woman that I don't love because I made a vow to God. So don't talk to me about responsibilities!" Lynette: "But your take on this is you're the victim?" Rodney: "Oh, I can see that, uh, we're just going to have to agree to disagree." (He picks up the bagel to leave.) Lynette: "We're not done here." Rodney: "Oh yeah, we are! Cause my sex life is my own business. Not yours. And there's nothing you can do about it anyway." [Later...Rodney sits on the sidewalk next to a briefcase, a suitcase, and a luggage bag.] (Tom drives by, pulls into the driveway, gets out, and walks over to him.) Tom: "Dad, what are you doing?" Rodney: "I don't want to talk about it." Tom: "Talk about what? Does Lynette know you're out here?" Rodney: "Oh yeah, she knows. Could you drive me to the airport?" Tom: "Wait here." (He goes inside.)
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(We see two empty glasses on the counter as Tom walks in the house. Lynette fills them with scotch as Tom calls out to her.) Tom: "Lynette?" Lynette: "Yeah..." Tom: "Why is my dad sitting out on the curb?" Lynette: "Because I kicked him out of the house." Tom: "I see. You want to tell me why?" Lynette: "Hold on. I made you a drink." Tom: "Oh God, what did he do?" Lynette: "Yesterday, I came home, and I walked in on your dad with a woman. He's having an affair. I am so, so sorry. I know. Are you okay?" (She puts her hands on the sides of his face to console him. Tom pulls away and turns around.) Tom: "Yeah, um, I should go talk to him." Lynette: "That's it?" Tom: "What?" Lynette: "I just, I expected a bigger reaction. I've been sitting here with knots in my stomach." Tom: "Okay, look, I never mentioned this before, because I knew how you'd react, but, um, I'm not that surprised by this. My father's been having affairs for years." Lynette: "You knew about this?" Tom: "Yeah." (Lynette gasps.) Tom: "Kind of. I mean, it was mostly in the past. I mean, I didn't know that he was still at it. I mean, I figured he was getting too old. In some strange way, I'm actually impressed, you know?" Lynette: "Impressed? Impressed? I-Tom, please, please don't tell me you're all right with this!" Tom: "I'm not! No! No! He should never have brought that woman over here!" Lynette: "No, he should never have been with her in the first place!" Tom: "I know, I know! But you know, that's who he is, and I mean, it's been going on for years. My mom's made peace with it." Lynette: "I seriously doubt that." Tom: "Look, you know, there's no point in talking about this. But, I'm going to go get my father, I'm going to bring him back in here, I'm going to put him in his room, and we can all just cool off." Lynette: "That man is not coming back in this house." Tom: "Yes, he is!" Lynette: "No, he's not." Tom: "Lynette. He is my father. This is my house. You can't tell me what to do." (Lynette cocks her head and looks at him.) [Later...] (Tom and Rodney sit on the curb together.) Rodney: "I say we go up there and kick the door down." Tom: "Yeah, Dad, you do that. Let me know how that works out for you." [John's Apartment] (Gabrielle walks up to door 23 and knocks. A teenage boy opens it.) Gabrielle: "Hi, um, I don't know if I have the right address. Does John Rowland live here?" (A few minutes later, John herds Gabrielle into his room and closes the door behind them.) John: "I'm really glad you came by. I was gonna call you again tomorrow." Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah, I'm, I'm sorry I haven't returned any of your calls."
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John: "It's okay. I'm just happy to see you. I heard about Mr. Solis. It sucks you had to take a job." Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, you know me, I'll survive." John: "Come here." (He pulls her into an embrace. She hugs him, her hand on his back. When she pulls away, he goes to kiss her, and she pulls back further.) Gabrielle: "Oh, no. John. I, uh, I didn't come here for that." John: "What's wrong?" Gabrielle: "Well, I heard that you're going full time with your gardening business. What happened to college?" John: "I decided not to go." Gabrielle: "Why?" John: "Well, an opportunity has presented itself, and for me to take advantage of it, I need to start making money." Gabrielle: "John, what opportunity is more important than college?" John: "For the longest time, the only thing I had to offer you was my heart. Mr. Solis gave you security, and I couldn't compete. But now, he can't even offer you that. And I can. My business is taking off. I can take care of you. We can finally be together." (John gets up and gets something, and then turns around and gets on his knee. He opens up a small black velvet box with a ring.) John: "Mrs. Solis, will you marry me?" [Susan's House] (Julie opens up a jewelry box and takes out a pair of earrings. She turns to Susan, who's standing in the doorway.) Julie: "Please. Why else would you want to chaperone the dance?" Susan: "Mrs. Van de Kamp needed volunteers. She begged me." Julie: "You're so transparent." Susan: "Anyway, you won't even know I'm there." (Julie looks at her.) Susan: "Well, not too much. Julie, you know you can tell me anything, right?" Julie: "Yeah, mom." Susan: "So if you had a problem, or some sort of secret was weighing on you..." Julie: "Of course! I tell you everything." (She turns away.) [Paul's House] (Zach puts on a tie while looking into a mirror. Paul is behind him.) Zach: "You know, I can't believe you're just uprooting us like this." Paul: "We need a fresh start. Here." (Paul helps Zach with his tie.) Paul: "You want to get it about like this." Zach: "So many bad things have happened around here. Finally I have someone I can talk to. It's like you want to take that away." Paul: "You mean Julie?" Zach: "Yeah." Paul: "What bad things do you talk to her about? Do you talk to her about your mother? Zach: "Yeah, and other stuff." Paul: "Like what?" (No answer.)
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Paul: "Zach, like what?" Zach: "Dad, this is what I've been trying to talk to you about. Okay, ever since mom died, I've, I've started to remember things. Just quick flashes, from when I was little." Paul: "Nice and taut like this. What kind of things?" Zach: "Lots of blood. Mom screaming. And Dana." (Paul's hands still while fixing Zach's tie.) Zach: "I remember killing Dana." Paul: "You told this to Julie?" Zach: "I trust her." Paul: "Did she tell her mother?" Zach: "I don't know." Paul: "Start from the beginning. I want you to tell me everything that you told Julie." [High School Gym] (Students are dancing to the music. Zach walks through the crowd with a corsage in his hand. He finds Julie and walks up to her.) Julie: "Hey! What's that?" Zach: "Oh, well, I was going to give it to you, but I saw that the other girls weren't wearing flowers. I guess it's not that kind of dance. If you don't want to stand out, I'd understand." Julie: "I like standing out." (She holds out her wrist and Paul puts the flowers on her. They smile at each other.) At the punch table, Bree sways to the music as she pours punch. Susan stands next to her, watching Paul.) Susan: "What's Paul doing here?" Bree: "Oh, he's chaperoning. He called a couple of hours ago and volunteered." Susan: "Really?" Bree: "Why, what's wrong?" Susan: "Well, the other day he could have cared less about Julie and Zach dating, and now, all of a sudden, he shows up at the dance?" Bree: "Maybe he's just trying to be supportive." Susan: "Maybe." [Pharmacy] (Rex walks up to the counter. George gives him a big smile.) George: "Dr. Van de Kamp." Rex: "Hello, George. My cardiologist phoned in a prescription." George: "Oh, right, right. I've got it here somewhere." (He turns around and begins searching through the prescriptions behind him.) Rex: "So, have you seen Bree lately?" George: "Yeah, I ran into her last night at the diner on Maple Avenue. We had a nice talk." Rex: "That's all you did? Just talk?" George: "We're just friends, Dr. Van de Kamp. Nothing more." Rex: "That's good to hear. You know, if you ever do get a vibe from Bree that's she's interested in more than just friendship, I'd be careful if I were you." George: "Excuse me?" Rex: "I just want you to know that she's only be using you to even the score with me. Don't fall for it." George: "Bree would never do anything like that. She's a lady." Rex: "Exactly. A very beautiful, classy lady. Remember, they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists." George: "Bree is very beautiful, and very classy, but she's not very perceptive. For instance, she thinks you're
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a good person, and it is now very clear to me you aren't." Rex: "I'd like my prescription now, George." (George rifles through the bags in front of him, stopping when he sees the right one.) George: "I can't seem to find it. I guess I'll have to have it delivered." Rex: "Thank you." George: "No, thank you." (Rex leaves and George rips open the bag, opens the bottle, and throws the pills in the trash.) [High School Gym] (The song "Dust in the Wind" is playing. Paul walks around the gym. Susan pours punch for a student when Paul walks up to her.) Susan: "Paul." Paul: "Did you notice? They're playing a classic." Susan: "Yeah." Paul: "Care to dance?" Susan: "I'd love to." (They begin dancing.) Susan: "I have a little confession to make." Paul: "Oh?" Susan: "I've been so concerned about Julie lately that I sort of eavesdropped on her the other day when she was having a phone conversation with Zach." Paul: "Really?" Susan: "They were having a very interesting conversation." Paul: "About?" Susan: "Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana." Paul: "Was he now?" Susan: "Yes." Paul: "How much did you hear?" Susan: "Everything." Paul: "You realize it was an accident." Susan: "Oh, of course. I assumed as much." Paul: "He didn't mean to kill Dana. He was practically a baby himself. He didn't understand what he was doing." Susan: "No, of course he didn't. So, what happened exactly?" Paul: "Mary Alice and I never really knew. We heard the baby screaming. By the time we got up to the crib, it was too late." Susan: "Paul, I am so sorry." Paul: "Thank you." (He adjusts his hand and puts it on her lower back, pulling her close.) Susan: "So you and Mary Alice just kept this to yourselves all these years?" Paul: "It was a very dark chapter in our lives. We preferred not to relive it. It was also a private family matter. I'd appreciate your discretion." Susan: "Sure." (They continue dancing.) (Later, Paul and Zach walk to their car.) Paul: "Did you have a good time?" Zach: "Yeah, I did. It was great. Look, I want you to know that I'm really sorry I talked to Julie. But she did
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promise me that she wasn't going to say anything to her mom." Paul: "It's okay. I handled Susan." Zach: "Good." Paul: "But we need to talk about these things that you think you remember. They're not true." Zach: "How can they not be true?" Paul: "Memories lie, Zach. You didn't kill anyone. Dana is very much alive." [Outside Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle pulls into her driveway. As soon as she opens her door, Helen and Bob Rowland emerge from their own parked car across the street and head briskly over to Gabrielle. Gabrielle shoots a quick look at her house to make sure Carlos isn't coming out.) Gabrielle: "Hi, what are you doing here?" Helen Rowland: "Where is it?" Gabrielle: "What?" Helen: "The ring, Gabrielle. My grandmother's ring!" Gabrielle: "John caught me off guard. Obviously I'm going to give back the ring." Helen: "Well, you better, because make no mistake, if you try to ruin my son's life, I will ruin yours!" Bob Rowland: "Helen, okay, go to the car! Come on, please, just, please..." Gabrielle: "Obviously, I'm not leaving my husband and marrying John." Bob Rowland: "Well, I think that's wise." Gabrielle: "I'll talk to John tomorrow and give back the ring." Bob Rowland: "Okay, good, good. We appreciate everything you've done." (He turns to go.) Gabrielle: "Hey, Bob! I get why she's so angry with me, but, what I don't get is, why you're so nice." Bob Rowland: "Well, John's a big boy. Whatever happened between the two of you is his mistake as much as yours." Gabrielle: "I guess. I understand if, uh, you hate me just a little." (Bob looks over at Helen, sitting in the car and watching them closely.) Bob Rowland: "When I was a kid, I always played by the rules. I never cheated on a test, never even missed a curfew. But I can't help but think how wonderful it would have been to have made at least one mistake like you." Gabrielle: "That's sweet, you're, you're very sweet." Bob Rowland: "Hmmm...I'm a little sweet. Mostly I'm just middle-aged." (He turns and leaves.) [Outside Paul's House] (Paul pulls into his driveway and he and Zach get out of the car.) Paul: "Are you okay? I know this is a lot to digest all at once." Zach: "I'm fine. I'm just happy you finally told me the truth. One thing though. Why are you telling me all this now?" Paul: "I couldn't let you keep thinking that you killed someone. No one should carry that kind of burden." Zach: "Or you just didn't want me running my mouth." Paul: "That's not what it's about." Zach: "Yes, it is. I won't tell anyone. I'll keep your secret. Dad." Paul: "Thank you." Zach: "But we're not moving." Paul: "That's out of the question." Zach: "Well, I'm not leaving Julie, and if you want my support, that's the deal."
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Paul: "And if I refuse?" Zach: "You won't." (He smiles and goes inside the house.) [Lynette's House] (Tom gets into bed and gets comfortable with a magazine. Lynette, sitting up against the headboard, watches him.) Lynette: "So here's the thing, I feel really awful about how I acted before." Tom: "For God's sake, Lynette, you threw me out of my own house." Lynette: "I overreacted, I know. I'm sorry." Tom: "Look, I know you love my mom, but how she decides to live her life, is, it's entirely up to her." Lynette: "You're right. You're right. I guess I just got so upset because - oh, whatever, let's not beat a dead horse, it's over, I'm sorry, good night." (She kisses him and rolls over and turns off the light, exhaling as she lies down.) Tom: "Okay, get it off your chest." Lynette: "Well, you knew your father was having an affair, and it didn't seem to bother you that much. And that worries me, because if you can find it in you to condone something like that, then what's gonna happen when you've been on the road for forty years?" Tom: "Lynette, I'm not my father!" Lynette: "I know, of course. You're not your father." (She kisses him again. He opens his magazine.) Lynette: "And just so we're absolutely clear, I am definitely not your mother, because if you ever betray me, I will leave you. I will take the kids, and I will walk out that door, and you will never see any of us again." (She exhales loudly.) Lynette: "Glad to get that off my chest. Thank you." (She kisses him again.) Lynette: "I love you!" (She rolls over, missing the worried look on Tom's face.) (Later that night, Rodney comes down the stairs and sees Tom sitting at the kitchen table.) Grandpa Scavo: "Couldn't sleep, huh?" Tom: "No." Grandpa Scavo: "Me either. I'm so sorry about the ruckus I caused." Tom: "That's okay, I'm not, uh, upset about that." Grandpa Scavo: "No?" Tom: "No." Grandpa Scavo: "What's wrong?" Tom: "There's something that Lynette doesn't know about, dad. Something that I did, and I don't know what's going to happen if she ever finds out." [John's Apartment] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning, Gabrielle returned the engagement ring to her former lover, a gesture that was met with..." (A glass shatters in the fireplace.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"... measured enthusiasm." Gabrielle: "Please, calm down!" John: "It just doesn't make any sense. Okay, you love me, I know you love me!" Gabrielle: "Love is not enough. Where would we live, here with your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!"
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John: "We could get our own place!" Gabrielle: "How? You're barely making minimum wage!" John: "Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy." Gabrielle: "I've tried poor but happy. Guess what. It wasn't that happy." John: "Mr. Solis is going to jail. You want to stick around for that?" Gabrielle: "I don't know. You know, every once in a while, even I want to do the right thing." John: "Mrs. Solis, I love you so much! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Gabrielle: "Honestly, no. John, you're a toy. A sweet, dumb toy, so you might as well go to college, because you and me, no future!" (John, with reddened eyes, storms past Gabrielle and slams the door. Gabrielle begins crying.) [Susan's House, Nighttime] Zach: "Ms. Mayer! Hey, is Julie home?" Susan: "She's in the shower." Zach: "Oh. Well, I just came by to give her some good news." (He pushes past Susan into the house.) Susan: "What's that?" Zach: "Well, it turns out that my dad and I aren't moving after all." Susan: "What?" Zach: "Yeah, he reconsidered, so I guess we're going to keep living across the street." Susan: "Okay. Wow, uh, wow. You know, uh, can you sit down? I need, uh to talk to you." (She sits down at the kitchen table. Zach walks over to a small table and picks up the corsage he gave Julie at the dance. He smells the flowers.) Zach: "Hey. You know that Julie is the first girl I ever gave a flower to?" Susan: "Really." Zach: "Yeah. Yeah, I really like her, Ms. Mayer." Susan: "Zach, um, Julie is only fourteen years old, and sometimes girls, when they're that age they just don't always make the right decisions. And, um, as her mother, it is my responsibiliity to protect her." Zach: "You want to protect her from me?" Susan: "No, I, I just, I think that you should slow things down. I, I, I want you to not see her for awhile." Zach: "No." Susan: "No?" Zach: "You're not taking her away from me." Susan (chuckles): "Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on..." Zach: "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!!??" (He turns over a table.) Zach: "DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?" Susan (harshly): "Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking my daughter ever again! And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!" (Zach walks to the door. He stares down at the flower he was still holding, drops it on the ground, and then leaves. Susan picks up the flower and looks at it. She closes the door.) [John's Apartment] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sooner or later, the time comes when we all must become responsible adults..." (John looks at the ring and his father takes it from him, then pats him on the shoulder.) [Gabrielle's House]
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and learn to give up what we want, so we can choose to do what is right." (Gabrielle climbs into bed with Carlos, who gives her a kiss, and then pulls up the covers.) [Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, a lifetime of responsibility isn't always easy." (Bree gives Rex a glass of water and his medication from the pharmacy.) [Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"And as the years go on, it's a burden that can become too heavy for some to bear." (Lynette hugs Rodney as Tom leads him out of the house.) [Susan's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"But still we try to do what is best, what is good." (Susan, carrying a laundry basket, knocks on Julie's door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Not only for ourselves, but for those we love." (She doesn't go in the room, but we see the open window and the curtain blowing.) [High School Gym] (In the darkened gym, Zach paces. The door opens and Julie enters.) Julie: "Hey!" Zach: "I'm glad you came." Julie: "Zach, I can't stay long. If my mom catches me, she'll freak." Zach: "Come here." (He holds out his hand. Julie walks forward and takes it.) Julie: "She said I can't see you any more. What are we gonna do?" Zach: "I'm not sure." (They embrace.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, sooner or later we must all become responsible adults. No one knows this better than the young." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1x14 - Love Is In The Air -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives: Mr.Shaw:If it turns out that someone hurt her,I want them dead. Mary Alice Voiceover:SometimesGabrielle:I'm running out of money.In a couple of weeks, I will be screwed. Mr. Hartley:In that case, you might want to think about looking for a job. Yao Lin:Huh! Mary Alice Voiceover:-the answersBree:If you could just tell me what he told you,then I could fix the problem. Dr. Goldfine: I can't do that. Mary Alice Voiceover:- to Life's biggest questionsMary Alice (tape):I had the nightmare again. Dr. Goldfine: What do you think the significance of the name Angela is? Mary Alice (tape):Actually, that's my real name.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:- are buriedZach:She hasn't even been dead a month,and it's like you totally forgot she ever existed. Mary Alice Voiceover:- under even bigger lies. Susan:Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana. Paul:He didn't mean to kill Dana. [Lynette's House] (Lynette holds baby Penny up into the air, then brings her close, hugging her. As she turns, she sees her three boys hold up a box with red tissue paper and pink hearts glued haphazardly on it. They grin as they hold it towards her and she stares at it in confusion.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god. Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly." (Flashback to Lynette hanging up a drawing on the refrigerator, then turning to her boys, who are grinning.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten..." (Flashback to Lynette hanging on the wall a popsicle stick box, then turning to look at her boys, who grin at her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...spice racks made in summer camp..." (Flashback to Lynette putting on a homemade necklace.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and jewelry made at the scout jamboree. But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of." (In present time, Lynette opens the box the boys gave her and pulls out a potted plant, in a beautiful pot.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"One she wasn't embarrassed to display." Lynette: "Where did you guys get this pot?" Twin: "We made it!" Lynette: "Really? I love it. Well, this is the nicest present you boys had ever given me, and you know what? I'm gonna put it out on the front porch so the whole neighborhood can enjoy it" (She sniffs the flowers. Cut to Lynette putting the pot on the front porch.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette knew she's cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life. The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day." (The next day, Lynette looks out her window and sees an older woman looking at the pot. She picks it up, checks the bottom, and then walks off with it. Lynette runs out of the house after her.) Lynette: "Mrs. McCluskey, why are you taking my flower pot?" Mrs. McCluskey: "Because it's mine. Your boys stole it off of my porch." Lynette: "No, no, no. My sons made that for me for Valentine's Day." Mrs. McCluskey: "I bought this in Costa Rica on my last cruise. You see?" (She turns it upside down. The flowering plant falls with a thump onto the ground.) Mrs. McCluskey: "Still got the price tag on it." (She points to the price painted on the bottom.) Mrs. McCluskey: "Look. What? Nothing more to say? Cat got your tongue? You listen to me. Keep your brats off my property." (She walks off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God." (Lynette turns back to her house, where her three boys are watching. When they catch her eye, they rush inside and close the door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them."
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Credits [Gabrielle's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was the day before Valentine's Day and every man on Wisteria Lane was preparing for this most dangerous of holidays. While some purchased romantic cards..." (Carlos sits on a chair, signing his name to a card.) [Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and some brought home candy and flowers..." Rex walks quietly into the house, holding a large box of candy and flowers and quickly puts them in a hall closet. Mike's House Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and some made dinner reservations at fancy restaurants..." (Mike talks on the phone.) [Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"...others managed to forget about the day entirely. Again." (Tom walks past a calendar and notices that the date for Valentine's Day has been circled. He stares at it in panic, then rushes out the house and gets into his car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"This flurry of activity was lost on the women of Wisteria Lane. They were busy learning a secret about their neighbors. A secret that was positively heart-breaking." [Gabrielle's House] (The four women sit on Gabrielle's porch, sipping drinks.) Gabrielle: "So Paul said that Zachary killed Dana?" Susan: "Yeah." Bree: "Well, it must've been some sort of accident. I mean little boys don't just kill their baby sisters." Susan: "Well, whatever it was, that boy is seriously disturbed, and I've forbidden Julie from hanging out with him." Lynette (to Bree): "Could you hold her?" (Lynette hands Bree baby Penny.) Lynette: "So this is it! This is the secret that Mary Alice was trying to protect" Bree: "Look at the guilt that she must've lived with." Gabrielle: "You know, I never thought I'd say this but I kind of feel sorry for Paul." Susan: "I wish I could. I still feel like something's not right." Gabrielle: "What do you mean?" Susan: "Well, we've all been in their house. Have you ever seen a picture of another kid there? I mean, why keep Dana's baby blanket and throw out all the photos?" Lynette: "That's a good point." Susan: "We've never answered why Mary Alice referred to herself as Angela in that therapy session." Bree: "All I know is this: Mary Alice loved Zach more than anything in the world. When you love a child that much..." Lynette: "You're capable of doing all sorts of things." Bree: "Yeah." [Paul's House] (Paul slowly washes dishes in the sink when there's a knock at the door and Felicia Tilman walks in holding a basket of flowers with balloons attached.) Felicia: "Hello. These were delivered to my house by mistake. May I? They're for Mary Alice Young." Paul: "Oh my god. I uh, had a standing order with the florist. I forgot to cancel it. Mary Alice was my wife. She passed away a few months ago."
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Felicia: "I'm very sorry for your loss." Paul: "And I'm sorry for yours." Felicia: "Pardon?" Paul: "Your sister. Martha?" Felicia: "Oh, yes. Her." (She looks past Paul and sees a photo of Mary Alice and Zach on the wall.) Felicia: "Good lord, that's Angela." Paul: "What?" Felicia: "Angela Forest! We worked together it Utah. It must be 15 years ago." Paul: "I'm afraid you're mistaken. My wife's name is Mary Alice and she's never been to Utah." Felicia: "Well, I could be mistaken. As I said it's, it's been years." (She leaves.) [Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle tosses some earrings into a heart-shaped bowl as she talks on the phone.) Gabrielle: "No, Mikki, you're wrong. I wasn't acting like a diva. I left the boat show because that coordinator was making passes at me. It's not my fault." (She turns around and speaks to Yao Lin, who's scrubbing the floor behind her.) Gabrielle: "Yao Lin? You missed a spot. No, spare me the lecture and just book me another job quick. Carlos and I are up to our asses in bills and we can't pay them. Fine. Bye." (Yao Lin, still on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor, begins talking in Chinese:",,, .") Gabrielle: "What did you say?" Yao Lin: "Nothing." Gabrielle: "Are you gonna clean that spot?" Yao Lin: "Which one?" Gabrielle: "The one I told you to clean." Yao Lin: "I'll get to it." Gabrielle: "Clean it now." Yao Lin: "Why?" Gabrielle: "Because I said so." Yao Lin: "Okay, but you've got to say please." Gabrielle: "Fine. Please." (She turns back around and Yao Lin smiles.) Gabrielle: "Anything to get you back on your knees scrubbing where you belong." (Yao Lin stands up.) Yao Lin: "You are not better than me." Gabrielle: "Excuse me?" Yao Lin: "The only reason you have anything in your life is because you're pretty. One day you'll be old, and when that happens you'll be nothing." Gabrielle: "You are so fired." Yao Lin: "No kidding." (She walks off.) [Outside Mike's House] (Hands open up an envelope and pull out a Valentine's Day card.) Susan: "Ooh. Valentine's Day card. It's pretty."
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(Pull back to show Susan and Mike sitting on Mike's front steps. Mike holds the card with Susan looking over his shoulder.) Susan: "And meticulously hand painted. Whoever sent you that must really love you." (Mike opens the card. Inside it reads: "Dear Mike, Be Mine! Love, Susan " ) Susan: "...and be loaded with talent." Mike: "It's beautiful. Thanks." Susan: "So we still on for tomorrow night?" Mike: "Oh. Not only are we on, I got reservations at Le Petit Fleur." Susan: "Ooh. That place is so pretentious. I've been dying to go there." (They laugh.) (From across the street, they hear Lynette call out.) Lynette: "Boys! Get your little fannies inside. Guys?" Susan: "Oh, poor Lynette. She doesn't get a new nanny soon, she's gonna implode." (Mike looks off to the side and then shushs Susan. He gets up and goes around the side of the house. He sees the the three boys, who are hiding next to the house. ) Mike: "Hey guys. Who you hiding from?" Twin: "Our mom. She wants to spank us." Mike: "Why, did you do something bad?" (They all nod.) Mike: "Well, you know if you hide out too long she'll get worried and then she'll just get madder. You know what I say? Go on home, take your lumps. Decent chance you'll have the rest of the day to play." (Susan, watching from the corner of the house, smiles.) (The boys look convinced and nod.) Mike: "Come on, climb aboard. All right!" (One of the twins jumps on his back for a piggy-back ride, and the others follow. As he walks them past Susan, she comments.) Susan: "Pretty impressive." Mike: "Oh, I love kids, Can't wait to have my own some day." (Susan, following behind them, suddenly trips and falls to the ground.) [Lynette's] (At the kitchen table, Lynette moves three Valentine's Day cards off to the side and then begins laying down various objects: a thorny rose, a hard-backed hairbrush, a ping pong paddle, a metal spatula, a long metal ruler, and a belt.) Twin: "We don't want to get spanked." Twin: "Yeah, we promise we'll be good." Lynette: "Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse? You made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic." (The boys shake their heads no.) Lynette: "Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a clich, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance. Moves faster." (The boys all shout out "No!" to her.) Lynette: "Guys, guys, guys, hey, my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless..." Twin: "Unless what?" Lynette: "For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide."
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(The boys nod their heads vigorously and promise to swear. Lynette reaches down to the chair next to her and pulls out pads of paper and pens, which she hands to the boys.) Lynette: "All right, start with 'Dear Mrs. McCluskey.'" Twin: "Mommy, why are you smiling?" Lynette: "Do you know what physiological warfare means?" Twin: "No." Lynette: "Well, too bad for you. Okay, start with a big em, little c. Good." [Dr. Goldfine's Office] (Bree stands by the window, playing with the necklace she's wearing.) Bree: "Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for ten next week. We're using our best china and serving duck." Dr. Goldfine: "So, you and Rex are a couple again?" Bree: "Yes. You know that's one of the things I hated most about our separation. Not being able to throw dinner parties. There's just something so civilized and elegant about them, don't you think?" Dr. Goldfine: "I take it you've resolved your feelings about his infidelity?" Bree: "Let's just say that I put them in an imaginary box and don't plan on looking at them for a while." Dr. Goldfine: "Do you think that's the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?" Bree: "Well, it won't be easy at first. There'll be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory love making, but after a few decades whiz by I'm sure I'll find a way to forgive him." Dr. Goldfine: "Well, as long as you have a plan." Bree: "I do want to forgive him Doctor Goldfine, but, there's something he's still not telling me." Dr. Goldfine: "Really?" Bree: "I think it has something to do with why he had the affair." Dr. Goldfine: "Have you confronted him?" Bree: "Once, and you should've seen the look in his eyes. He was terrified that I'll figure it out. You know what it is, don't you?" Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, I can't discuss other patients." Bree: "I realize that. This thing that he's hiding, is it bad?" (Dr. Goldfine looks down.) Bree: "Oh, okay, um, maybe it's better that I don't know." Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?" Bree: "We're, um, WASPs, Doctor Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best." Dr. Goldfine: "You'd settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial?" Bree: "And the dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties." [Mattress Store] (The bald owner of the store walks Gabrielle around the store, pointing out various mattress styles.) Siesta King: "And uh, over there you got your queens and, uh, your quad spring series, and your deluxe one thousands. All the way to the imperial paradise. Sweet racket huh?" Gabrielle: "Mm." Siesta King: "I swear sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can't believe I'm the Siesta King. Except for how I am." Gabrielle: "Very impressive. So, where does the photographer want me for the shoot?" Siesta King: "Uh, didn't your agent tell you? There's no shoot?" Gabrielle: "Well, then what did you hire me for?" (Cut to Gabrielle lying seductively on one of the mattresses as the voice over of the "Siesta King" is heard.) Siesta King: "You've heard the expression sex sales? That's where you come in. You're here to remind
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people that there's a lot of fun things they can do on a Siesta King mattress that don't involve sleep. Get it?" (As Gabrielle lies on the bed in a sexy negligee, various customers appear throughout the day around the bed.) (Two teenage boys stand at the end of the bed and wave at her...Gabrielle lies on the edge of the bed as a very obese man lies next to her...Gabrielle lies in the middle as two butch-looking women lie on either side of her.) [Lynette's House] (Lynette begins putting laundry into the washer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It is often said that good fences make good neighbors..." The front door slams and Lynette turns to see what's happening. Mary Alice Voiceover:"...but as Lynette was about to discover, the fence might just need a little barbed wire, if the neighbor is Mrs. McCluskey." (Mrs. McCluskey walks up the stairs in Lynette's house.) Lynette: "Hey." (Mrs. McCluskey is in the twins room, lifting their mattresses and pillows and generally looking around.) Lynette: "Hey, what do you think you are doing? Get out of here." Mrs. McCluskey: "Your little criminals snuck into my house and stole my wall clock." Lynette: "What?" Mrs. McCluskey: "It was a hand-painted purple and white wall clock. My son made it." Lynette: "Are you sure you didn't misplace it? You're getting up there in years, no offense, but you probably forget where you put things." Mrs. McCluskey: "No offense, but you should be sterilized." Lynette: "Look, my boys do not break into people's houses. Sure, they may have stolen your flower pot, but you know they apologized for that." Mrs. McCluskey: "They wrote a note. That's the coward's way out. They should've come over and apologized in person." Lynette: "You know what? This has been fun but now - " Mrs. McCluskey: "You let those boys run wild! Toys all over the yard, there're bikes laying out in the street. It's a disgrace." Lynette: "Get out of my house!" Mrs. McCluskey: "Those boys would've been better off raised by wolves. God knows they would've been cleaner." (She leaves the room and Lynette throws a pillow after her. It hits the door.) [Bree's House] (Bree sits in a living room chair, sewing. Rex sits on the couch, reading a book. Bree: "Valentine's Day is tomorrow." Rex: "I know. I already bought your gifts." Bree: "Roses and English toffee?" Rex: "Mmm hmm. Just like always." Bree: "Yes. And I suppose we'll make love tomorrow night, too." Rex: "That is our little tradition." Bree: "Good. I'm looking forward to it. Are you looking forward to it?" Rex: "What?" Bree: "Well, it's just that I know that I don't please you sexually, so I was wondering if you really were looking forward to being with me." Rex: "Oh, for god's sake."
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Bree: "I'm sorry, Rex. I thought I could pretend that this doesn't upset me anymore, but I can't." Rex: "Please don't do this." Bree: "You had an affair. You went to another woman for sex to give you something I couldn't. At least have the decency to tell me what that something is." Rex: "Bree, I can't." Bree: "Why not? Rex, please tell me. Let me prove to you how much I love you." Rex: "I like to be dominated." Bree: "Huh?" Rex: "Sexually." Bree: "Huh?" Rex: "Never mind." Bree: "Rex, please, I want to understand." (Later, Rex and Bree sit on the couch, watching the TV, from which the sounds of a man pleading are heard.) Man on TV: "Please, mistress, no!" Woman on TV: "Quiet, slave." (The sound of a slap is heard. ) Man on TV: "Yes, mistress, yes, yes." Woman on TV: "Turn your head. Don't look at me." Man on TV: "But, mistress!" Woman on TV: "On your knees now. Right now! Tighten your cuffs." Man on TV: "Yes, mistress." Woman on TV: "Do it now." Man on TV: "Yes." Woman on TV: "Head down." Man on TV: "Yes. Ow! Yes! Ow! Yes!" Woman on TV: "Place the nightstick in your mouth." Man on TV: "Yes, mistress." Woman on TV: "Tight." Man on TV: "Yes!" (As they watch, from opposite sides of the couch, Rex looks alternately turned on and uncomfortable. Bree alternates her gaze between the TV and Rex, looking at him in shock.) (Rex pauses the video and turns to Bree.) Rex: "Well?" Bree: "What the hell did your mother do to you?" Rex: "What?" Bree: "Well, come on, this just reeks of unresolved childhood trauma." Rex: "This has nothing to do with my mother, Bree, this is a preference." Bree: "It's a perversion." Rex: "For god's sake, you promised to be supportive." Bree: "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?" Rex: "I want you to say you'll try it. Just, just once" Bree: "Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?" Rex: "So I can feel pleasure, yes." Bree: "Fine." (She slaps him across the face as hard as she can.) Bree: "So? Was it good for you too?"
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(She gets up and leaves.) [Susan's House] (Susan walks into Julie's bedroom, holding some clothes on hangers, which she puts in Julie's closet. Julie, typing on her laptop, closes it, and looks over at Susan.) Susan: "Mike wants babies." Julie: "What?" Susan: "He wants to have kids, and he had that look that men get that says 'I'm ready to procreate, point me to the nearest cervix'." Julie: "And I take it this is a problem?" Susan: "Oh, I can't have another baby. I mean I'm so grateful I had you, you know I don't regret a minute of that, but I found it to be completely overwhelming. Sometimes I even wonder how I got through it." Julie: "You and me both. So, have you told Mike how you feel?" Susan: "Oh, I can't tell him. This could be a deal breaker. Julie, I really love him. I don't want to lose him." Julie: "Maybe you're overreacting. I bet he'd rather have you than a baby." Susan: "What if he doesn't?" Julie: "Then that's something you need to know." [Outside, Wisteria Lane] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Susan shouldn't have been so worried. Children were the last thing on Mike's mind. He was too busy searching for answers in all the wrong places." (Mike knocks on various neighbors doors, showing them a picture of Deirdre and asking them questions. He knocks on the door of one house, and when nobody answers, he goes around the back, where he puts on a black glove, then picks the lock to get in.) (Once inside, he searches through papers and bookcases, finding nothing. He opens up doors, looking inside the rooms as he searches.) (He comes to one door, opens it, and behind it is an older gentleman, shakily holding a gun straight at Mike.) Mike: "Please..." (The gun goes off, hitting Mike, who runs down the hallway, through the kitchen, outside, and gets into his car. The man shoots after him, but doesn't hit him.) (Once in the car, Mike looks down at his stomach, where a bullet hole is bleeding. He drives off.) [Mike's House] (A picture of Mike and Deirdre sits on the coffee table on top of the maps of Wisteria Lane that Mike had. Both bloody and clean gauze lie on the table and a pair of clamps are placed on the table as well.) (Mike lies on the couch while a man stitches him up.) Man: "You got lucky: didn't hit anything major. Noah's getting impatient." Mike: "Well, you can tell Noah I'm getting closer." Man: "That's her, isn't it?" Mike: "Yeah." Man: "Hard to believe a kid from such a good family could get so messed up." Mike: "I met somebody who recognized her photo. I think she rented a room over on Pine Avenue." (The phone rings and after one ring, the machine picks up.) Mike: "I was checking out houses when -" Susan (on the machine): "Hey, Mike, it's me. Are you there? Pick up. Hello? Okay, I know you're home. Your lights are on. Look, I really need to talk to you about something, uh, you know what? I'm just gonna stop by." (Mike grabs for the phone.) Mike: "No, hey, hey I'm here. Ow!" Susan: "Are you okay?"
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Mike: "Yup. Yeah, I just stubbed my toe." Susan: "Oh, um, so can I come over? I, I really need to talk to you about something." Mike: "Actually, I got a buddy over here right now. Um, can it wait 'til dinner tomorrow?" Susan: "It's kind of important, um, yeah I guess it can wait. So I'll see you at seven?" Mike: "All right. I'm counting the minutes." (They hang up.) Man: "You should take it easy for the next few days." Mike: "I can't cancel. The last thing I need is for her to get suspicious. [Outside Lynette's House] (The next day, Lynette removes groceries from her car. Across the street, sitting in her car, is Mrs. McCluskey.) Mrs. McCluskey: "Maybe it's my dementia, but I still haven't found my purple wall clock." Lynette: "Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is." (Tom comes around the car to help Lynette. Mrs. McCluskey looks at a bike lying on the edge of the road.) Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, and by the way, will you tell your little criminals to get their bikes out of the street?" Tom: "Oh, I'll get it." Lynette: "No, don't you dare. We'll move it when you say please." (Mrs. McCluskey makes a u-turn and runs over the bike several times.) Mrs. McCluskey: "Please." (Lynette gasps. Tom quickly tries to calm her down, but Lynette reaches into one of the grocery bags and pulls out a carton of eggs.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Even though it was Mrs. McCluskey who had officially declared war..." (Lynette throws an egg at Mrs. McCluskey's retreating car. It splatters on the back windshield and the car stops.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it was Lynette who decided to deliver the opening salvo." (Mrs. McCluskey gets out of the car and points to the broken egg on her car.) Mrs. McCluskey: "You're going to clean that up." Lynette: "Think so?" Mrs. McCluskey: "Yes." (Lynette throws another egg, this time at Mrs. McCluskey. It flies toward her in slow motion, landing squarely on her forehead. ) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, the war of Wisteria lane would indeed prove to be messy for everyone involved." (Tom closes his eyes in resignation.) [Mattress Store] (Gabrielle lies on a mattress, with her eyes closed.) Customer: "Pardon me, pardon me. We were wondering what the coil count was on this one." (Gabrielle points to a cardboard sign sitting on the pillow next to her, which reads: "Please do not talk to model!") Customer: "Oh. Sorry." (He and his wife walk off, rolling their eyes. The "Siesta King" walks up to Gabrielle, smiling, but quickly frowns when he sees the sign next to her.) Siesta King: "What is this?" Gabrielle: "People keep coming and talking to me asking me questions. That is not my job." Siesta King: "Well. You don't have to be rude." Gabrielle: "I am not a mattress sales person." Siesta King: "Is there something wrong with being a mattress sales person? Is it beneath you or something?"
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Gabrielle: "Honestly, yes. I am a model." Siesta King: "You know what, your agent warned me that you were a diva, and he was right. You won't talk to the customers, you bitch about the coffee, and you wouldn't even chip in for Hazel's birthday cake." Gabrielle: "I just met the woman today." Siesta King: "That didn't stop you from havin' a piece. I'm sorry, but I, I don't want someone around my store that's not a team player." Gabrielle: "Oh no, no, no, wait, wait." Siesta King: "You're fired, princess." Gabrielle: "No!" (He walks away and she flops onto the mattress.) [Lynette's House] (Lynette is on the phone.) Lynette: "I need to know if my policy covers it. No, my car actually wasn't involved. It was my neighbor's car, but the egg was mine. Uh huh. Can I please speak to your supervisor?" Tom (calling from outside): "Honey? Would you come out here?" [Outside]. Lynette: "What?" Tom: "Look what I found stashed in the boys' playhouse." (Lynette looks inside the playhouse, which contains dozens of items clearly not belonging to the boys, including a wall clock.) Lynette (gasps): "Please tell me that's not a purple wall clock. Pack your bags. We're moving." [Martha Huber's House] (Felicia runs her finger over the carefully labeled photo albums in her sister's house. Her finger stops when she comes to one marked "Family." ) (She pulls it from the shelf and sits down at the table with it. Flipping through the photos, she sighs.) (She comes to one that is obviously a posed staff photo. About 10 men and women, wearing medical scrubs, stand outside of a building, smiling. The caption underneath the photo reads "Dorothy Drake Rehabilitation House." Felicia frowns, looking at the photo. She is one of the staff members, standing on the left, and on the right, stands Mary Alice Young. Felicia raises her eyebrows and nods.) [Department Store] (Gabrielle walks through the make-up department of the store.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Discouraged over losing her job, Gabrielle decided a make over would be the perfect cure for her depression. It was after finding a moisturizer she couldn't afford that it finally occurred to Gabrielle. Perhaps it was her pride that needed a make over." (She sees a small sign advertising for help wanted and she sighs.) [Later...] Customer: "Excuse me, miss? You forgot to give me my receipt." (Gabrielle, standing behind one of the counters, jumps slightly.) Gabrielle: "Oh, right. Oh, here. Here you go. Thank you. Come again." Yao Lin: "Mrs. Solis?" Gabrielle: "Oh, god." Yao Lin: "Hello." Gabrielle: "Hello, Yao Lin. How are you?" Yao Lin: "Good. Very good. " Gabrielle: "I wanted to call you. I felt terrible about how we left things." Yao Lin: "I need lipstick."
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Gabrielle: "Okay but - " Yao Lin: "Now." (A little later, Yao Lin sits on a chair as Gabrielle stands before her with make-up in her hands.) Gabrielle: "You must be loving this, huh? Having me serve you must be a dream come true." Yao Lin: "Can't complain." Gabrielle: "That's the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams. Close your eyes, please. Thank you. You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did. I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all: a high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house. So, this is just a blip in the radar for me, because now, I know what I'm capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again. I'm never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am. So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you, it doesn't get any better than this. There. Don't you look beautiful." [Le Petit Fleur] (A waiter carries food to a table, passing by a busboy, who finishes setting up the table. He smoothes down the tablecloth, and then notices that the table is wobbling. He crawls underneath the table to wedge a piece of wood underneath it. It doesn't seem to do the trick, and he continues working on it.) (Meanwhile, the hostess leads Mike and Susan into the dining room.) Hostess: "Right this way." Mike: "Everything okay?" Susan: "Oh yeah, this dress is just riding up as it is. If I walk any faster it'll be happy Valentine's Day for everyone." Mike: "Especially me." (He pulls out her chair and she sits down.) Susan: "Thank you." (Underneath the table, the busboy realizes that he's trapped. Above the table, Susan gets a confused look on her face.) Busboy: "Excuse me, miss?" (She peeks between her legs, underneath the table, and sees the busboy peering back up at her.) (She gasps in horror and jumps back, out of her chair, running into a waiter, carrying a large tray with food on it. The waiter falls, dropping the food, and a woman walking by trips, nearly falling herself, but Mike quickly catches her.) Susan: "I am so sorry! Is everyone okay?" Lady: "Oh, oh. Thank you. Thank you!" (She walks off and as Susan sits back down, Mike quickly checks his shirt. His wound had started bleeding again, and it's left a small red stain on his white shirt. He pulls his jacket over the stain and sits down.) Busboy: "Oh, ma'am, your napkin." Susan: "Don't even think about it." (The busboy walks off and she leans down to get her own napkin.) (Later, a waiter pours wine while Susan opens the card that Mike got for her. As she reads it, he surreptitiously pulls open his jacket to look at his wound, which has left a bigger stain.) Susan: "Oh, that's so wonderful what you wrote, thank you. Okay, I'm not gonna be any kind of company until I get something off my chest. Do you remember the other day when you said that you wanted to have kids?" Mike: "Mm hmm." Susan: "Here's the thing, I don't think I'm ready to have another baby. I think we need to have a serious conversation." Mike: "Sure."
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(He smiles and Susan smiles back, then takes a sip of wine.) [Lynette's House] (Lynette and Tom sit at their table, dressed up, and eating a fancy meal.) Lynette: "I'm not going over there." Tom: "Yes, you are." Lynette: "No. I can deal with the humiliation of going around the neighborhood returning everything the boys stole, but please don't make me apologize to that woman." Tom: "This is what it means to be a good neighbor, finding ways of getting along instead of, you know, hurling an egg at them." Lynette: "But why do I have to apologize? Why don't we just go:"Oh, now we're even" and we'll start from scratch." Tom: "Okay if the, uh, being a pleasant human being argument doesn't fly with you, we'll try a self preservation, what if she wakes up in the middle of the night, the house is on fire, you don't want her to call 911?" Lynette: "If our house catches fire I guarantee you, she's the one that started it." Tom: "My point is, the day will come when we need her help and I don't want her not to help us just because of some silly feud." Lynette: "Fine, I'll do it." Tom: "Wow, thank you." Lynette: "You know whoever came up with the motto love thy neighbor clearly lived nowhere near Karen McCluskey." Tom: "Yes, well, on Valentine's Day the only motto that really matters is, you know, love thy husband." Lynette: "Really, I, I recall no such motto." (They kiss.) [Le Petit Fleur] (Susan and Mike have their food in front of them.) Susan: "I mean, I understand why you would want to have kids, but that chapter of my life is just closed. I don't think I can go back there. And so, you know, given the way I feel and given the way I think you feel..." (Mike, clearly not feeling well, lowers his head, propping it up with his index and middle fingers of his left hand.) Susan: "Oh god, you're not taking this well. Oh I was afraid of this." Mike: "Um." (He looks down and notices drops of blood dripping onto the floor from his wound.) Susan: "What?" Mike: "I've got to go." Susan: "What?" Mike: "I'm sorry." Susan: "I don't believe this. You're leaving without even trying to talk me into having your baby? I mean how do you know I wouldn't cave. I always cave." (Mike collapses on the floor. When he falls, his jacket falls open and the bleeding wound is clearly visible.) Susan: "Mike?!" (She rushes toward him.) [Bree's House] (Bree's reading in bed when Rex climbs in next to her.) Bree: "Good night." Rex: "Night."
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Bree (sighs): "So, how does this domination thing work?" (He rolls over and sits up. Then he smiles at her.) (Later, Rex is pulling a box out of the deepest part of the closet as he talks.) Rex: "So there's nothing to be afraid of. I mostly will be constructing simple scenarios and acting them out." Bree: "So, it's like we're in a little play." Rex: "Sort of. And if things do get too rough we'll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately." Bree: "Okay. So what's our control word?" Rex: "Well, lately I've been using Philadelphia." (She looks away.) Rex: "What's wrong?" Bree: "Well, it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap." Rex: "Okay. Fine. You pick a control word." Bree: "Um, how about Boise?" Rex: "Boise?" Bree: "What's the matter with Boise?" Rex: "We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious." Bree: "Hmm. How about Palestine?" Rex: "Boise will be just fine." Bree: "So I guess we should, uh, get started. What do you want me to do?" Rex: "Handcuff me to the bed. Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me. This is going to infuse our marriage with more passion than you could imagine. You just have to trust me." Bree: "I do. Would you mind if I ran these through the dishwasher once?" Rex: "Sure." [Hospital] (A nurse leads Susan to outside Mike's hospital room.) Nurse: "You can wait here. You can go in to see him as soon as the doctor's finished." Susan: "Oh, okay. Thanks." (The doctor and a nurse come out of Mike's room.) Nurse: "Can you believe that story?" Doctor: "Please. There's no way that gun shot wound was self-inflicted." Nurse: "Funny how he can't seem to remember who stitched him up." Doctor: "Well, the police are on their way to talk to him. Let them sort it out." (Susan watches them go, then slowly walks into Mike's room.) Mike: "Sorry about ruining dinner." Susan: "Ah, please. I'm just glad you're okay. So, you shot yourself?" Mike: "Pretty lame, huh? I was cleaning my automatic and I was too embarrassed to tell you." Susan: "Well, I could see why you would be." Mike: "I know it sounds crazy. I just couldn't let myself ruin your Valentine's Day. But I heard what you said at the restaurant about not wanting kids." Susan: "We don't have to talk about that now." Mike: "Oh, Susan, I just want to be with you above everything else. That means not being a dad...I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but I'm not stupid enough to walk away from you. You know that, right?" Susan: "Yeah. I'm gonna go outside and let you rest for a while."
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Mike: "Thanks for being so understanding." (She smils at him. As she opens the door to his room, two police officers walk inside.) Police: "Mr. Delfino, I'm Officer Russell, this is Officer Walters. We'd like to ask you a few questions." [Mrs. McCluskey's House] (The next day, Lynette's three boys, dressed nicely, walk up the walk to Mrs. McCluskey's front door. Parker holds the wall clock. They turn to look at her, and Lynette, standing by the sidewalk, motions that they should knock on the door. They do, and Mrs. McClusky opens it.) Mrs. McCluskey: "What do you want?" (The boys turn to look at Lynette.) Lynette: "The boys have something they'd like to say to you." (Parker hands Mrs. McCluskey the wall clock.) Mrs. McCluskey: "I have some tea heating on the stove. Perhaps you'd better come inside, boys." (The boys turn to look at Lynette again, and she nods that it's okay.) Mrs. McCluskey: "What about you, Lynette? D'you have anything to say?" Lynette: "No. I'll just wait out here." Mrs. McCluskey: "Suit yourself." (She closes the door.) (Inside the house, the boys sit on her couch.) Mrs. McCluskey: "You boys want some peanut brittle? Go ahead. Don't get any crumbs on my floor. Move over. Okay. Go ahead, make with the apology." All three boys: "We're sorry." Mrs. McCluskey: "That's it, huh? Didn't you know that stealing is wrong? How old are you anyway?" Twin: "We're six." Mrs. McCluskey: "And how old are you?" Parker: "Five." Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, your mother just pops 'em out, doesn't she?" Twin: "How old are you?" Mrs. McCluskey: "How old do you think?" Twin: "A hundred and fifty." Mrs. McCluskey: "Hurry up and eat your peanut brittle." Twin (pointing to a framed picture): "Who's that?" Mrs. McCluskey: "That's my little boy." Twin: "Where does he live?" Mrs. McCluskey: "He died when he was twelve." Twin: "How come?" Mrs. McCluskey: "He got sick. He was a little terror like you three. You would've liked him. Now, are you done with the peanut brittle? Let's go. Now, I want to say something to you before you go. What you did was wrong, but it's nice that you wanted to get a present for your mom for Valentine's Day. Nobody is ever gonna love you like your mother. All right, let's go." (She opens the front door and shoos the boys out.) Mrs. McCluskey: "Get the hell out of my house." (Lynette stares at her, then herds the children her way.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"In her heart, Lynette knew she would probably never love her neighbor, never realizing that love was the one thing she and her neighbor had in common." [Susan's House] (Susan sits on a bench in her front yard, reading the Valentine's Day card Mike got her. Lynette walks over.)
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Lynette: "Hey." Susan: "Hey, Lynette." Lynette: "Um..." Susan: "What's wrong?" Lynette: "My kids have been on kind of a thieving jag, stealing stuff from around the neighborhood." Susan: "I'm so sorry." Lynette: "I know, they've being punished. Probably for life. But I needed you to see something. They said they stole it from Mike's garage. From inside his work bench. Your Mike." (Susan unwraps the cloth Lynette handed her. Inside is a bracelet and ring.) Susan: "So?" Lynette: "Read the engraving." (Susan turns the bracelet over and sees that it reads "Martha Huber." There are small traces of a reddish substance on the bracelet.) Susan (gasps): "Is that blood?" Lynette: "I don't know." Susan: "What, what does this mean?" Lynette: "I don't know." [Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle walks through her front door, closing her eyes in exhaustion.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's impossible to grasp just how powerful love is..." (Carlos grabs her and lifts her up for a hug, twirling her around.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it can sustain us through trying times..." [Bree's House] (Bree opens up the dishwasher, where the handcuffs are sitting. She takes them out, looks them over, and shakes her head. Holding them in her hand, she closes the dishwasher.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices..." [Outside Paul's House] (Paul collects his mail.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds..." (As he walks back up to his house, he looks over to Martha Huber's house and sees Felicia picking up the newspaper.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths..." (They smile and wave to each other.) [Mrs. McCluskey's House] (Mrs. McCluskey takes down the framed photograph of her son to look at it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and long after we're gone, love remains burned into our memories." [Susan's House] (Susan looks at the card Mike got her, then stares out her window at his house across the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all search for love, but some of us, after we found it, wish we hadn't." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1x15 Impossible

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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives: Gabrielle:John, you're a toy.You and me -- no future. Mary Alice Voiceover:Once some things are said... Tom:Remember what it was like to work a 60-hour week? Mary Alice Voiceover:You can't take them back. Mike:You are never going to get somebody who cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do. Susan:You shot yourself? Mike: Pretty lame, huh? Mary Alice Voiceover:The damage is already done. Julie:Mom! Zach:You're not taking her away from me. Susan:Get out. Lynette:I needed you to see something.They said they stole it from Mike's garage. Susan:Is that blood? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree comes down the stairs with a basket of laundry.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't." (As she sorts the laundry in front of the washer, she pulls out a condom from the basket.) (Moments later, she holds it up in front of Rex, who's paying bills at the dining room table.) Rex: "It's not mine." Bree: "You promised the cheating had stopped, Rex. You promised." Rex: "Could we not yell at each other? I'm feeling really lousy today." Bree: "I want you out of the house!" Rex: "Bree, look at me. It's not mine." Bree: "Well, then, whose is it? It didn't just magically appear in my laundry basket." Rex: "Well, I'm not the only guy in this house that uses that hamper." (He gets up and walks through the kitchen. Bree follows him.) Bree: "No." Rex: "Sorry." Bree: "Andrew is still a child." Rex: "He's sixteen. It's not unheard of." Bree: "Honey, you have to talk to him." Rex: "And tell him what?" Bree: "Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - y'know." Rex: "I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good." Bree: "Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them." Rex: "And that will accomplish what?" Bree: "Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe--" Rex: "He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex." Bree: "Well, we can't put it back in his room. I mean that would be like we're condoning him having pre-marital sex."
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Rex: "Bree, let me put this another way. Do you want to become a grandmother?" (Cut to Bree leaving freshly-laundered clothes on Andrew's bed, then leaving his room, passing Andrew in the hallway. Andrew enters in his room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Bree believed in old-fashioned values, but she also believed it was better to be safe than sorry." (Once in his room, Andrew sees the condom conspicuously left on his bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:"Each new morning in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. Little white lies told not to hurt." (A postman walks past a woman putting a bumper sticker on her car. The woman looks grumpy.) Postman: "Morning Mrs. Cutchel. You look lovely today." (The woman smiles after him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...but to make life more pleasant. They tell these lies to protect themselves and their reputations." (The postman thumbs through the small stack of bills marked "Past Due" addressed to the Solis residence as he walks up to Carlos and Gabrielle's house. Carlos walks up the sidewalk to meet him and takes the mail.) Carlos: "Oh, for God sakes, this is unbelievable. It's the last time I do my banking online." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, every now and then, the day arrives when someone finally decides to tell the truth." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Susan, Gabrielle, and Bree sit at the dining room table with coffee cups in front of them. Lynette stands in the corner.) Gabrielle: "He was shot? How could you not tell us about this?" Susan: "He was embarrassed. He said it was an accident. Oh, don't look at me like that. Accidents happen." Gabrielle: "We know that you want to trust Mike, but he had a dead woman's jewelry in his garage." Susan: "Now, did he? We don't know that for sure. All we know is that Lynette's kids turned up with it." Bree: "So what are you saying, that the twins murdered Martha?" Lynette: "Well, I wouldn't put it past them." Susan: "I'm saying that is about as likely as Mike having done it. He's a good guy. I know him. I mean, he's, he's Mike." Lynette: "Honestly, I don't think Mike did it either, but if we don't call, we're guilty of withholding evidence." Bree: "Well, you know what? If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up." Gabrielle: "But, we will do whatever you want us to do." Susan: "Okay, call." Bree: "So should I just dial nine one one?" Gabrielle: "Well, it's not really an emergency." Lynette: "It was a murder." Bree: "Well, not recently, and I'd prefer not to tie up the line." Susan: "Will you just call?" (Bree dials the phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (There's a knock on the door. Julie answers it. It was Zach.)
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Zach: "Hey." Julie: "My mom will be home any minute. She'll freak if she sees you here." Zach: "Oh, I just wanted to deliver this personally. I'm having a party." Julie: "You know she doesn't want us to see each other." Zach: "Well, you gotta come. You're the reason I'm doing this." Julie: "I'll try to talk to my mom, okay? But you really gotta go." (He turns and walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle, returning home, is greeted by a young man leaning against his truck.) Justin: "Hey, Mrs. Solis." Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Do I know you?" Justin: "Yeah, I'm Justin. John's roommate? I've been waiting forever for you to show up." Gabrielle: "Really, why?" Justin: "I want to do you a favor." Gabrielle: "What kind of favor?" Justin: "Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free." Gabrielle: "You want to mow my lawn for free?" Justin: "Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you." Gabrielle: "That's very generous of you, but I don't think so." Justin: "Why?" Gabrielle: "Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it." Justin: "Well, this is a very beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention." Gabrielle: "I'm flattered, but no, thank you." (She starts to walk past, and he grabs her arm, holding on.) Justin: "Mrs. Solis, please." Gabrielle: "Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest." Justin: "Oh?" Gabrielle: "He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on." (He lets go of her arm and she walks briskly towards her front door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom enters the house as the boys are playing hockey in the living room.) Tom: "Hey guys, this isn't a hockey rink. Can you take it outside?" Lynette: "How was your day?" Tom: "Hey. I didn't get the V.P. gig." Lynette: "Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry." Tom: "It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I'm Peterson's go-to guy, so how does Tim Doogan, the biggest blow-hard in the office get promoted to vice president over me?" Lynette: "I thought you liked Tim Doogan." Tom: "I do. I just, I just, I really wanted that promotion. Boys, can you please take the Stanley Cup Finals outside?" (The boys ignore him.)
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Lynette: "Well, did you tell Mr. Peterson that you wanted the job?" Tom: "I have worked at that firm for eight and a half years. Doogan's been there for less than two. I am not going to beg." Lynette: "I'm not saying to beg. You just have to step up from time to time. You have to see your opportunity and take it. Nobody respects a shrinking violet." Tom: "There is more than one, you know, leadership style. Mine is quiet but effective." Lynette (shouting at the boys): "Take that racket outside!" (to Tom) "Well, whatever works for ya." (The boys immediately stop playing and head outside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (Susan is taking groceries out of her car when Mike comes up from behind her.) Mike: "Susan! Hey, sexy, where you been? I called you twice. You avoiding me?" Susan: "Don't be silly. Why would I do that? No, I've just been really busy grocery shopping." Mike: "For two days? You must be pretty well stocked." (From behind Mike, police officers come out of unmarked cars and quickly and quietly draw their guns and walk hurriedly towards Mike. Susan notices them and looks worried.) Mike: "How 'bout dinner tonight?" Susan: "Uh, dinner, tonight?" Mike: "You okay?" (One of the cops motions with his hand for Susan to get down.) Susan: "Can you hold these a sec?" (She hands the groceries and dives to the ground. Immediately, the cops grab Mike and push him towards Susan's car, handcuff him, and start pulling him away while reading him his rights.) Cop: "Up against the car! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can be used against you in a court of law..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (At the dinner table, the four Van De Kamps eat.) Andrew: "So, get this. Zach Young is throwing a pool party Saturday night and he sent out a bunch of formal invitations complete with fancy lettering." Danielle: "I'm surprised he didn't spritz them with after shave." Bree: "What is wrong with nice invitations?" Andrew: "Mom, it's a pool party." Danielle: "Why couldn't he've just pass out fliers in the quad?" Andrew: "Because he's genetically incapable of being cool?" Rex: "So, uh, you going?" Andrew: "Maybe. I mean, um, Lisa and Justin and some of the guys thought it'd be fun to swim. We can always bail if it's as lame as we think it's gonna be." Bree: "Is Lisa your friend with the pierced navel?" Andrew: "Yeah." Bree: "You've been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't you?" Andrew: "I guess." Bree: "Oh, uh, Andrew, I'm gonna want you home by eleven on Saturday." Andrew: "Eleven? Mom, it's not even a school night." Rex: "Bree, a curfew isn't gonna do any good." Bree: "You may be able to abdicate all your parental responsibility but I cannot."
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Andrew: "What, what's going on here? Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room?" Bree: "As a matter of fact it does, and just so we're clear, if you get Lisa pregnant, you will marry her." (Andrew lets out an exasperated laugh.) Bree: "Andrew, this is not funny." Andrew: "Mom, trust me. This is very funny, mostly because the condom wasn't mine." (Bree stares accusingly at Rex, who in turn stares at Andrew like he knows he's lying.) (Andrew turns to Danielle, who, when she catches her father's eye, leans back in her chair and turns to Andrew.) Danielle: "You suck, you know that?" (Bree stares at Danielle, her mouth hanging open in shock.) (Later, Bree walks into the kitchen where Danielle is.) Bree: "So obviously we need to talk." Danielle: "I'm still a virgin if that's what you want to know." Bree: "Well, good. But why on earth would you need a condom?" Danielle: "Because I'm planning on having sex and I don't want to get pregnant." Bree: "Danielle, you are president of the Abstinence Club." Danielle: "I wasn't planning on running for a second term." Bree: "Who were you planning on having sex with?" Danielle: "John." Bree: "John Rowland? I thought you broke up with him." Danielle: "No, he broke up with me. And you want to know why? Because I wouldn't do it." Bree: "Well, if that's the type of boy he is, then good riddance." Danielle: "Mom, every boy at my school is that type of boy. And besides, it's different with John. I love him." Bree: "Oh, sweetheart, just because you give a boy sex doesn't mean you'll get love in return." Danielle: "So maybe I'm being stupid. What's the big deal? It's just sex." Bree: "Honey, I am looking out for your happiness. Now, I understand what it's like to be young and feel urges, but I waited until I got married, as did your father, and it was so much better." Danielle: "Daddy ended up cheating on you." Bree: "Yes. Well -" Danielle: "And every since he moved back in, you've been miserable." Bree: "Why would you say that?" Danielle: "The walls between our bedrooms are paper-thin. I hear more stuff than I probably should." Bree: "Oh." Danielle: "Look, mom, I love you a lot but you really are the last person to ever give anyone advice about sex and happiness." (She gives her mom a kiss on the cheek and walks out of the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle picks up the stack of bills and tosses them in front of Carlos.) Gabrielle: "Have you seen these? Five more past due notices." Carlos: "Don't worry. I'm handling it." Gabrielle: "How? How are you handling it?" Carlos: "Can I please finish my sandwich?" Gabrielle: "Have you seen our checking account lately? We're broke. And then we have the mortgage payment coming up. We have property taxes.." Carlos: "Gabby, it's going to be okay."
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Gabrielle: "No, it's not. We are seriously screwed, and I am freaking out that you're not freaking out." Carlos: "Look, things will turn around." Gabrielle: "When?" Carlos: "I don't know when, but we're lucky people, and we'll be lucky again." Gabrielle: "What is that?" Carlos: "It's the lawnmower. We got a new gardener today. It's not going to cost us a cent. The kid's a friend of John's." Gabrielle: "Carlos--" Carlos: "And he said that he'd do the lawn for free. Can you believe it? We are lucky people." (Carlos goes back to his sandwich while Gabrielle stands in the doorway, glaring at Justin, who mows the lawn with his shirt off. He sends a triumphant smile her way.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Baseball Field] (A company softball game is in progress. In the dugout, a man walks to position to bat, while others call out his name and he waves to the crowd.) Doogan: "Hey you guys, good to see you again." (Tom sits on the bench, staring after him glumly. Lynette comes up to him and sits down.) Lynette: "Hey! Don't look so glum. You're gonna get a hit." Tom: "It's not that. This is my hating Tim Doogan look." (in an announcer's voice) "Oh, Doogan connects. Look at the job-stealing bastard run. Doogan is really showing some of the glory-hounding, ass-kissing hustle that he is so well known for." Lynette: "I forgot how much fun you are when you're bitter." Tom: "Oh look, he's stretched for extra bases, just like he stretched for extra territory screwing over unsung utility player Tom Scavo." (Doogan trips and falls onto the ground.) Tom: "Oh, down goes Doogan. Doogan goes down. That's gotta hurt. Oh, Lord Hound is tagged out and now he's gonna have to deal with some tough dirt stains, that Tim Doogan." Lynette: "Tom..." (Several of the players roll Doogan over and begin administering CPR.) Tom: "Oh, no, look. I'm sure he's just grandstanding." Lynette: "Oh, my God." Tom: "Holy crap." (He runs out onto the field.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan cleans up the dishes from dinner. Julie follows her into the kitchen.) Julie: "It's only a pool party. Everyone's gonna be there." Susan: "I said no." Julie: "What are you gonna do? Keep a boy-free zone around me until I'm eighteen?" Susan: "You can see boys in a couple years, just not that boy." Julie: "Why do you hate Zach?" Susan: "I don't hate Zach. I just think he's sort of crazy." Julie: "Mom, I've heard people call you sort of crazy." Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy, and he's rampage crazy." (A knock at the door. Susan opens it.) Detective Copeland: "Susan Mayer?"
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Susan: "Yeah." Detective Copeland: "I'm Detective Copeland. I'm investigating the murder of Martha Huber. I need to talk to you about Mike Delfino." (Later, Susan and Julie sit on the couch while Detective Copeland puts on a pair of glasses and opens up a small notebook.) Detective Copeland: "Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the seventh of last month?" Susan: "Is the seventh important?" Detective Copeland: "Well, we believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered. She was last seen at the grocery store around nine and then she didn't show up for her dentist appointment the next morning." Susan: "What day was that?" Detective Copeland: "It was a Sunday." Susan: "Oh. Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, I was with Mike that night." Detective Copeland: "You're sure?" Susan: "Yes, I was. It was a big night for us, relationship-wise. It was the first time that we..." Detective Copeland: "The first time you...?" Julie: "Did it. The first time they did it." Susan: "Julie!" Julie: "Well, it was." Susan: "How did you know?" Julie: "I'm not clueless. I found men's boxers in the clothes hamper." Susan: "Oh, don't write that down. Oh, but this is good. You can let Mike go. He's innocent." Detective Copeland: "Well, assuming everything you're telling me is true." Julie: "It's true. The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts. Seriously. Little hearts." (Susan gives her a light slap on the leg.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Bedroom] (Gabrielle walks into her bedroom from the bathroom, tying a bathrobe around her. She turns around and gasps.) (Justin stands in the doorway.) Gabrielle: "Justin, what are you doing up here?" Justin: "Uh, I finished the hedges. Is there anything else Mr. Solis wants done?" Gabrielle: "I don't know. He's not here. He had a meeting with his lawyer." Justin: "So, I guess that means we're all alone." Gabrielle: "No, that means I'm all alone. You're leaving." Justin: "I'm not in a hurry. C'mon, maybe we could hang out for a little while." Gabrielle: "I don't think so." Justin: "C'mon, if you just got to know me, you'd see I can be lots of fun. All my friends say so." Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not interested in becoming one of your friends. Get out of my bedroom." Justin: "C'mon, Mrs. Solis, be nice." (He grabs her and leans in for a kiss. She slaps him.) Justin: "You shouldn't have done that." Gabrielle: "Do you know how easy it would be for me to call my husband and tell him what you just tried to do?" Justin: "Not as easy as it'd be for me to tell him what happened between you and John. I'm sorry, Mrs. Solis, but you're gonna have to be nice to me, at least once." (She stares at him in confusion as he walks off.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Outside Mike's House] (A police car drops him off and Susan runs to greet him.) Susan: "Mike! Mike, are you okay?" Mike: "Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a little bit embarrassed. Must be the talk of the neighborhood." Susan: "No, not really, no. So guess what? I'm your alibi. I told the police that we were together the night that Mrs. Huber was killed and that I could never forget that night." Mike: "So you don't think I killed Mrs. Huber?" Susan: "No, no, of course not. I could never think you killed anybody, even I wasn't your alibi, which I am." Mike: "Okay, I'm, um, I'm gonna go take a shower. Jail is kinda gross. I'll call you later, okay?" Susan: "Sure. When?" Mike: "Later, I've just got some stuff I've got to take care of, okay?" Susan: "Okay." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment] (John opens his door. Bree is standing there.) John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp." Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?" John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?" Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Place] (Tom arrives home.) Tom: "Hey." Lynette: "Hi. So, what's the word on Tim?" Tom: "He came through the triple bypass with flying colors." Lynette: "Thank god." Tom: "Course, it's not all coming up roses. He's not going to be able to come back to work for four, four and a half months." Lynette: "Oh." (Tom sits down at the table with a beer, clearly very happy.) Lynette: "What?" Tom: "The company still needs to expand, so I figure they need a fit, heart-smart guy like me to step up, take the ball." Lynette: "You're going after Tim Doogan's promotion?" Tom: "No. I already got it. You should've seen me. I walked straight into Peterson's office and I told him he would be a fool to hold Doogan's promotion." Lynette: "You called your boss a fool?" Tom: "I did. That was risky in retrospect, but you know what? Still, he gave me the job. Look at me. It's me, I'm the man, I got the whole west coast." Lynette: "Oh my -- what? What? The whole west coast? I thought you were going after an in-house position." Tom: "No, no, no. I'm setting up new offices from Seattle to L.A. I, I told you that." Lynette: "No. No, you didn't." Tom: "Okay, so it's gonna be a little bit more travel." Lynette: "More travel? Tom, you're barely here half the time as it is. Now you're going to have -- what, twice the work load?"
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Tom: "Honey? Please, don't ruin this." Lynette: "I'm sorry, but you should have consulted me." Tom: "I did. You told me to stop being a shrinking violet and to step up." Lynette: "I thought this was an in-house position." Tom: "Okay, I'm going to go shower." Lynette: "Look, wait, wait. I know what this means to you." Tom: "No, you don't. No, you don't. I am forty-one years old. If I don't make vice president now, it's never gonna happen. This is my career. It's, it's important to me." Lynette: "So was mine, but I'm here, aren't I?" Tom: "I'm gonna take the job." (He goes upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment] (Bree and John sit facing each other in the living room.) Bree: "She said that you broke up with her because she refused to have sex." John: "Wow. Um, okay, here's the deal. I said that, but it was just an excuse. The truth is, I wasn't that into her." Bree: "Really?" John: "And she was always so proud of never having done it, I figured, hey, this is my way out." Bree: "Well, she feels very passionately about you." John: "Well, don't get me wrong. She's nice, but the truth is, there's someone else." Bree: "Oh, are you going steady?" John: "Not exactly. We were seeing each other pretty regularly but this other lady - girl, she sorta dumped me." Bree: "Oh, I see." John: "Well, look. I'll talk to Danielle, and don't worry, I'll let her down gently." Bree: "Uh, actually, I would prefer if you didn't." John: "Huh?" Bree: "I know my daughter. She's very determined, and unless you're really firm with her, she's going to continue to think that there's hope." John: "Okay. I'll be firm." Bree: "Better still, be brutal." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Diner] (Mike enters and finds Mr. Shaw eating a big piece of chocolate cake. He sits down at the booth with Mr. Shaw.) Mike: "Decided to indulge your sweet tooth, huh?" Mr. Shaw: "I'll be dead inside a year. I got bigger things to worry about than my waistline. So, who's the woman they think you killed?" Mike: "Martha Huber, local busybody. I thought her murder was random." Mr. Shaw: "Nothing random about her jewelry ending up in your garage. Did you kill her?" Mike: "No. Whoever set me up did a good job, though. The cops are all over me." Mr. Shaw: "You getting close to something?" Mike: "If I'm getting close, I don't see it." Mr. Shaw: "What I'm saying is, people leave trails. One of those trails could lead to Deirdre. Whoever set you up must know that."
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Mike: "Yeah, maybe. But I won't be much good to you locked up." Mr. Shaw: "I'm rich, Mike. One of the best things about being rich is the security of knowing you can buy your way out of any problem. I'm not taking my money to the grave. I'm gonna use it to save your ass." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment] (Justin opens the door. Gabrielle is on the other side.) Justin: "Mrs. Solis!" Gabrielle: "Hello, Justin." Justin: "What are you doing here?" Gabrielle: "I am here to talk to your roommate." Justin: "John? I didn't think you guys talked anymore." Gabrielle: "Well, now we have something to talk about. You." Justin: "Me?" Gabrielle: "Yes, I'm gonna tell him how you're trying to blackmail me into sleeping with you. I wonder how he'll react." Justin: "Mrs. Solis --" Gabrielle: "Think he'll get violent?" Justin: "You can't talk to John about that." Gabrielle: "Oh, I can, and I will, you little worthless piece of crap." Justin: "Listen, Mrs. Solis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to blackmail you." Gabrielle: "Then why did you?" Justin: "I really needed to sleep with you." Gabrielle: "Why?" Justin: "Because. I think I might be gay." Gabrielle: "Oh." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Tom's Office] (The boys come running in, followed by Lynette.) Boys: "Daddy!" Tom: "What's up?" Lynette: "Oh, we went out for burgers and the boys knew you wouldn't be home till after, um, bedtime so we decided to pop in and visit the new V.P." Tom: "Yeah, well, check it out. I finally got an office with a window, huh?" Lynette: "Yep, it's all about the window." Tom: "Hey, guys, hey, who wants chair rides?" Boys: "Me!" Tom: "C'mon, out this way. Here we go." (Tom and the boys run into the lounge area and begin playing. Lynette watches them from the other side of the glass.) (A woman walks into the office and grins at Lynette.) Mrs. Peterson: "Checking out the new executive digs?" Lynette: "Oh, you know it." Mrs. Peterson: "Can I tell you a little secret?" Lynette: "Sure." Mrs. Peterson: "Dan wanted to hold the promotion over for Tim Doogan and I'm the one that convinced him to give it to Tom."
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Lynette: "Really?" Mrs. Peterson: "Uh-huh. Tom is such a workhorse and he wanted it so badly." Lynette: "Yeah, he certainly did." Mrs. Peterson: "What is wrong? Aren't you happy about this promotion?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette realized it was in her best interest to lie to the boss's wife." Lynette: "Well, it's great, obviously. Thank you." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Provided she wasn't too convincing." Lynette: "Of course, I mean, I will miss him being gone all the time. He'll be bringing in more money, but he is gonna miss the birthdays, baseball games, first steps. That's the trade-off, right? I just hope one day Tom doesn't look back and regret being gone so much. I better get out there before they break something." Mrs. Peterson: "Of course, I will see you soon." Lynette: "Okay." (Mrs. Peterson watches Lynette.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment] Gabrielle: "So, have you been acting on these feelings?" Justin: "I got a buddy. We get together, mess around, but it's no big deal. Just lately, I've been starting to, like, care about him and I don't know how to handle it." Gabrielle: "Wow." Justin: "Yeah, and I thought if I sleep with somebody like you, I'll know for sure and I can stop freaking out about this." Gabrielle: "Yeah, but why me? You're a good looking kid. Why don't you test drive someone your own age?" Justin: "Girls talk. If I start something with somebody and it doesn't...work out, everybody at school will find out, and I figured I could trust you because you have husband and all." Gabrielle: "Well, I guess that makes sense in a weird sort of way." Justin: "You know, my buddy and I, we've been messing around for quite a while and, this whole time, I just kept telling myself, it didn't really mean anything. Guess I just been kidding' myself, huh?" Gabrielle: "We're all in denial about something. But you're finally facing the truth and I think that's sort of brave." Justin: "Thanks." Gabrielle: "I should probably go." Justin: "Uh, just so you know, I never would have told Mr. Solis about you and John. I may be gay, but I'm not a jerk." (She walks up to him and kisses him passionately.) Gabrielle: "Did you feel anything?" Justin: "Not really." Gabrielle: "Definitely gay." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House, nighttime] (Susan answers a knock at the door while Julie does her homework at the kitchen table.) Susan: "Hi." Detective Copeland: "Hi. I'm sorry to bother you at night, Miss Mayer, but I was hoping that maybe you could come down to the station with me, uh, just answer a few more questions." Susan: "Now? Well, I'm, I'm sorry, my daughter and I were going to go see a movie tonight." (As Susan and Detective Copeland talk, Julie looks out the kitchen window across the street to where Zach's party is.)
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Julie: "Mom- we can do it another night. I'll be fine." Susan: "Uh, let me get my purse." Detective Copeland: "Great." Susan: "Are you sure?" Julie: "Yeah." Susan: "I'm sure I won't be late. Bye." Julie: "Bye." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Interrogation Room] (Susan sits at a small table. Detective Copeland sits down across from her, next to a video camera that's trained on Susan's face.) (Behind a two-way mirror, a dark-haired man watches the two of them in the room.) Detective Copeland: "You said that Mike came to your house around ten p.m. on the night of the seventh?" Susan: "Um, am I supposed to talk into the camera?" Detective Copeland: "No, no, just talk to me." Susan: "Okay. Uh, yes. He came over around ten o'clock." Detective Copeland: "Do you know of any tension between Mike and Martha Huber?" Susan: "No." Detective Copeland: "Were you aware that Mike was shot recently?" Susan: "Yes, on Valentine's Day." Detective Copeland: "And do you know how it came about?" Susan: "He dropped his gun, cleaning it." Detective Copeland: "Miss Mayer, with all due respect, I've been working around guns for years. I've never seen one discharge when it hits the ground. Someone has to pull the trigger." Susan: "Well, I wouldn't know about that." Detective Copeland: "Were you aware there was a home invasion, uh, three blocks from you on Pine Avenue, the day before Valentines?" Susan: "No." Detective Copeland: "The intruder was shot in the stomach. Where was Mike's wound?" Susan: "The stomach." Detective Copeland: "Do you love him?" Susan: "What? What does that have to do with -" Detective Copeland: "It's just sometimes people do stupid things when they're in love. I should know. I've been married four times. Tell me the truth. He wasn't with you that night, was he? He asked you to lie for him, didn't he?" Susan: "No, he didn't. He was with me and Mike wouldn't kill anybody. I'm sure of that." (Detective Copeland stands up and picks up a nearby file folder. He puts on his reading glasses, opens the thick folder, puts it on the table, sits down, and reads out loud.) Detective Copeland: "Mike Delfino. Convicted nineteen eighty seven, did five and a half years for drug trafficking and manslaughter." (He turns the folder around towards Susan so she can see Mike's fingerprints and mug shots.) Detective Copeland: "You want a coffee. I'm gonna go for coffee." (She looks up and shakes her head.) (He steps through the door that has the two-way mirror on it and stands with the other man.) Detective Copeland: "So is she covering for her guy?" Man: "Nah, she's just a sucker."
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(On the video camera, Susan looks shocked as she looks through the folder.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Zach's Party] (Danielle and Julie enter. The party is in full swing, with lots of kids around.) Julie: "I guess no one's in the pool yet. Are you gonna swim?" Danielle: "Please. I just spent an hour blowing out my hair." (She sees John sitting alone on the couch.) Danielle: "I'll, I'll see you later, okay?" Julie: "Okay." (Danielle joins John on the sofa, and gives him a quick kiss near his mouth. Subtly, he pulls slightly away as she kisses him.) Danielle: "Hey, I've got a surprise for you. You want to go somewhere and talk?" John: "Yeah. We should talk." (They get up. Zach comes in from the kitchen.) Zach: "Hi, you made it." Julie: "Andrew's here. I didn't think he'd come." Zach: "Yeah, he brought a lot of friends. They're acting like total jerks. Alert the media. I don't care. You're here now. This is gonna be great." (In the pool area, a couple of kids are in the water, but most are hanging around by the pool.) (From one of the entrances out into the pool area, Danielle enters. John rushes after her.) John: "Danielle!" Danielle: "Don't touch me!" (John stops and Danielle rushes off.) (Andrew and another guy pick up a lawn chair with another boy in it and throw it and the boy into the pool.) (Zach and Julie, sitting on another lawn chair, watch.) Zach: "Can you possibly take it easy?" Andrew: "It's cool, man. Look, he floats. Relax, it's a party. You're the main party animal, right? Am I right?" Zach: "I guess." Andrew: "All right. Well, then act like it. C'mon, give me a howl. C'mon, you're the host. Revel in it. Give me a howl. (howls) Awooo!" Zach (feebly): "Woo!" (Several kids standing nearby laugh and Andrew chuckles, then slaps Zach on the back before walking off.) Andrew: "There you go." Julie: "You okay?" Zach: "What do I care? He's nothing. I could take care of him if I wanted to." Julie: "What do you mean?" Zach: "I know where my mom kept her gun." (He holds up his hand, pointing his index and middle fingers at Zach as though his hand were a gun, and pretends to aim and shoot Andrew.) Zach (quietly): "Pow." Julie: "That's not funny, Zach." Zach: "Well, if you think about it, yeah, it kind of is." (Julie begins to leave.) Zach: "Julie!" (Outside, Danielle stands crying by the mailbox. Julie comes up to her.) Julie: "Hey, Danielle. Are you okay?"
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Danielle: "I just want to go home. Can we go?" Julie: "Sure." (They start walking when Zach runs out of the house after them.) Zach: "Julie!" Julie: "I'm taking Danielle home." Zach: "Are you coming back?" Julie: "I don't think so." (They keep walking. Zach looks at the house, then turns and starts running in the opposite direction from Julie and Danielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Bedroom] (She gets into bed where Tom is reading.) Tom: "So how was that P.T.A. meeting?" Lynette: "Long." Tom: "So Peterson called me into his office today." Lynette: "Really?" Tom: "Yeah, he, uh, changed his mind. He's gonna hold that promotion for Doogan." Lynette: "Oh." Tom: "Yeah, it's, it's fine. Y'know, I'm glad, really. Having to work all those long hours and you know how I hate flying, it just does, you know horrible things for my back. God, with all that extra stress, I'd have ended up exactly like Tim Doogan ten years from now, so." Lynette: "Yeah, of course." Tom: "So, it's, it's over." Lynette: "Look, you're gonna make vice president one of these days." Tom: "It's okay. Honest. I am really glad it worked out this way." Lynette: "Okay." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House, nighttime] (A police car drops her off in front of her house. As she walks towards her front door, Mike comes up behind her.) Susan: "Oh, God, you scared me." Mike: "How'd it go?" Susan: "It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking." Mike: "Susan..." Susan: "How could you? God, 'Susan, do you trust me?' Yes, of course I do. Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there." Mike: "Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--" Susan: "Stop! Stop Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever." (She goes into her house and shuts the door. She leans against it and starts crying. Pushing herself away from the door, she starts towards the stairs.) Susan: "Julie? Mommy needs a hug. Julie?" (She turns and sees the unfinished homework on the table. Looking out the window, she sees the party scene across the street. She marches over. A couple of boys stand outside and Susan passes by them on the way inside Paul's house.)
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Susan: "Is Julie in there? Julie Mayer?" Boy: "I dunno. It's pretty dead in there." (She walks into the living room, which is empty, and then into the pool area, which is completely vacant, except for two people kissing passionately at the far end of the pool.) Susan: "Julie Alexandra Mayer!" (There's a small splash as the two people duck underneath the water.) Susan: "Oh, Julie, Zach, this is ridiculous. You can't hold your breath forever." (Her feet get tangled in something on the ground. She untangles herself and realizes she was trapped in a pair of men's boxers. Holding them up in front of her, she glares furiously at the two submerged bodies in the water.) Susan: "Oh, you might as well just stay under there and never come up for air because when you do, I'm gonna choke the living daylights out of you." (One person emerges and Susan sees that it's Justin.) Susan: "Oh, um, is my daughter under there?" (Justin shakes his head, and the other person in the pool emerges, taking a deep breath of air. It's Andrew.) Susan: "Oh." Andrew: "I'm not, I'm not gay." Susan: "Oh, I, okay, I'm, I'm sorry. Uh, I'll just, I'm just gonna leave those right there." (Susan begins leaving the pool area, but in her haste and surprise, trips over everything in her path. Andrew and Justin just watch her as she hurries out of the area.) Susan: "Oh! I'm fine, it's good, you just, you know, uh, did, did you see - no! Oh, good bye!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Carlos: "Sell the house. Are you crazy?" Gabrielle: "Carlos, we can't afford to live here anymore." Carlos: "But if our lawyer gets the Justice Department to unfreeze the bank accounts then--" Gabrielle: "Then what? Huh? Finish the sentence, Carlos. We've tons of legal bills, you've lost all your clients and even with our savings, we're screwed." Carlos: "But, it's our house." Gabrielle: "Honey, I know. I love this place, too. It's just, I think it's time for us to face the music." (He walks out to the front porch. She follows.) Carlos: "I never thought I'd be poor at this stage of my life." Gabrielle: "You know, Carlos, I've been broke a lot of times in my life. But, I've never been poor, because poor is just a state of mind, and right now you and I are just..." Carlos: "Without funds?" Gabrielle: "Exactly." Carlos: "I guess we could get an apartment. Start over." Gabrielle: "Who knows? It might even be fun." Carlos: "And once we're back on our feet, we'll get a house as big as this one." Gabrielle: "Bigger." (They kiss and turn to look at their house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Diner] (Mr. Shaw sits at a booth across from a man whose face isn't visible right away.) Man: "So I get my wife this dog for her birthday. A stray, from the pound. The cheapest gift I'd ever gotten her
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and she loves it, so I'm a genius, right? Then, I find out it's got this weird blood disease. Now I'm laying out six hundred dollars a month for doggie medicine for this mutt and I'm a genius, right?" Mr. Shaw: "Don't be cynical. You did something nice, made your wife happy. Now, let's talk about what's gonna make you happy." (The man is shown and we see it's the second detective from the police station.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy..." (Rex and Bree lie in bed. Rex is sleeping while Bree is awake. She looks over at Rex.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or that he's happy..." (Tom and Lynette lie in bed. Tom is sleeping while Lynette is awake. She looks over at him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment] Mary Alice Voiceover:"...that we can change..." (Justin props himself up on his elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or that he will change his mind." (Danielle props herself up on her elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins..." (Mike lies in bed, awake. He turns over, away from the camera.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or that we can live without him." (Susan rolls over, facing the camera, tears glistening on her face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (The nighttime slowly fades to daybreak.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that, come morning, it will all be true." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1x16 - The Ladies Who Lunch -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover Previously on Desperate Housewives:
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Rex:Hey, Maisy. Bree:Are you having an affair with my husband? Mary Alice Voiceover:Mistresses were confronted. Carlos:Very good to be back. Gabrielle:What's that? Carlos:I'm on house arrest.It's a condition of my bail. Gabrielle:How will you work? Carlos:I can't. I can't do anything. Mary Alice Voiceover:The tables were turned, Felicia: Lord, that's Angela. Mary Alice Voiceover: and secrets from the past... Paul: I'm afraid you're mistaken. My wife's name was Mary Alice. Mary Alice Voiceover:...caught up with everyone. Susan: I'm such an idiot! And you're such a liar! Oh, and apparently a killer! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:"Throughout even the most respectable of neighborhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal..." (Ida Greenberg picks up a newspaper from a front walk and looks around guiltily. Then she sneaks quickly back to her own house while Bree comes out her house, holding a coffee cup.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some scandals announce themselves with a shout..." Bree: "Ida! Ida Greenberg,that is not your paper!" (Cut to Tom signing a paper on a clipboard while a cable guy stands next to him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some with a whisper..." Cable Guy: "Throw me a $20, and I'll hook you up with free porn." (Tom glances back at the house, then looks at the cable guy.) (Cut to kids toilet-papering a house. They've covered nearly the entire front of the house when a man comes outside holding a shotgun.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And some with bang." Man: "Get the hell off my lawn!" (He shoots the gun up into the air as the kids scatter. ) (Cut to Maisy Gibbons' house. Wearing sexy lingerie, she leads a gray-haired man up the stairs and into the bedroom.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid, its roar drowns out all other noise." Man: "So your husband -- does he have any idea how many men pay for the privilege of sleeping in this bed?" (He hands her some money and she tucks it away into a small box by the bed.) Maisy: "There's not a lot of sleeping going on - not if I'm doing my job right. So how do you want to get started?" (He pulls out handcuffs and holds them up.) Man: "With these." Maisy: "Well! That's going to cost you extra." Man: "Maisy Gibbons, you're under arrest for solicitation." Maisy: "What?" Man: "Please turn and place your hands on the bed." Maisy: "I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now."
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(He grabs her and forces her face down on the bed, putting the handcuffs on her.) Maisy: "Hey! Aah! You get off me!" (The man leads Maisy outside, where a handful of cops wait by a couple of squad cars.) Maisy: "This is entrapment." Man: "Right." Maisy: "You all are making a gigantic mistake." Man: "Yeah, yeah. Hey, fellas, here's one for your memoirs." (Maisy breaks away from him and begins running down the sidewalk. The cops chase after her and when she trips and falls on her face, they pick her up, holding her off of the ground as she screams and shouts at them. Neighbors stand around, watching.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, the scandalous arrest of Maisy Gibbons would soon prove to be the shot heard 'round the world." (One of the neighbors watching pulls out her cell phone and flips it open.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Maisy is forced into the back of a cop car and the cops get into the front seat. She stares out the window.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It is often said that good news travels fast, but as every housewife knows, bad news moves quite a bit faster." (The woman who pulled out her cell phone earlier dials a number.) Woman: "Tisha? Hey. You are not going to believe this. Maisy Gibbons was arrested." Tisha: "You cannot be serious." (The news travels very quickly throughout the neighborhood.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Barcliff Academy] (The crossing guard walks distractedly across the street, on her cell phone.) Crossing Guard: "Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs? I'd've killed to see that!" (She walks past Lynette's car. Lynette turns to Parker, sitting in the back seat.) Lynette: "I'll be right back." (She walks up to the front of the school, where some mothers are standing and a school official is talking to them.) Headmaster Lenz: "Ladies, please calm down, ma'am. This is just a precaution. If you'll just take a flyer..." (Lynette walks up to two other women, Tammy and Mona.) Lynette: "Hey, guys. What's going on?" Tammy: "Oh, there's been an outbreak of head lice." Lynette: "Head lice." Headmaster Lenz: "These flyers detail all the important information concerning the situation, including the recommended delousing combs." Tammy: "Delousing? Do they have to make it sound so disgusting?" Mona: "Does anybody know where it started?" Headmaster Lenz: "I'm sorry. That's confidential information. Barcliff maintains a strict no-blame policy." (Preston and Porter walk out of the school and Lynette waves to them.) Lynette: "Hey, guys, over here." Mona: "I think parents have a right to know who brought this into our school." (As the boys walk toward her, they both begin scratching their heads.) Headmaster Lenz: "Please calm down, ma'am. Our position is that there's nothing to be gained by pointing
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fingers." (Tammy notices Lynette's intense gaze at her children and turns to see what she's looking at.) Headmaster Lenz: "To identify the child who initiated the outbreak might result in him or her being subjected to ridicule." (Tammy sees the twins scratching and turns a meaningful gaze onto Mona, who catches sight of them as well. Lynette, distracted, keeps her eyes on her boys.) Lynette: "I, um, excuse me." Headmaster Lenz: "If you'll just take a flyer..." Lynette: "Stop scratching. Stop scratching. Now, now, stop it. Guys, let's go, okay? Stop scratching. I mean it. Stop, stop." Lynette: "Hey. See you later." Tammy and Mona: "Bye." (They watch Lynette and her boys walk away from them.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is in the shower when Carlos walks into the bathroom. He sips from a cup of coffee and looks down at the sink, which is slowly filling up, from the drain, with brown-colored liquid.) Carlos: "What the hell? Gabrielle!" Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos: "Hey, Gabrielle! I think we got a problem here!" Gabrielle: "I can't hear you!" Carlos: "I said, I think we got a problem! The water's backing up here!" Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos (to himself): "Is that sewage?" (Gabrielle starts screaming from the shower.) Carlos: "Yeah, that's sewage." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Carlos and Gabrielle stand next to a large hole that Mike dug in their front yard. Mike stands in the hole.] Gabrielle: "So, uh, Mike. The suspense is killing us. Why don't you just tell us the bad news?" Mike: "Well, your outtake pipe's completely corroded. That's why it collapsed. I'm gonna have to tear it out and repipe the whole system." Gabrielle: "And how much is this gonna cost?" Mike: "I'll do the job for you at cost, but you're still looking at six, seven grand, minimum." (Gabrielle looks at Carlos and he clears his throat quietly.) Gabrielle: "Okay, well, we'll let you know." Mike: "Look, um...if money's an issue..." Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, no, it's not the money. It's just, uh, Carlos and I are trying to prioritize some little things we need to do around the house." Mike: "Right. And, uh, you don't consider sewage backing up in the house a priority?" Gabrielle: "It's definitely on the short list." Mike: "I'm kind of surprised you called me." Gabrielle: "Why?" Mike: "Well, um, ever since my arrest, nobody around here seems to want to have much to do with me." (Carlos chuckles and lifts a leg slightly, showing Mike the detector that's around his ankle.) Carlos: "Innocent until proven guilty, my man." (They turn and walk back into the house.)
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Gabrielle: "Hope he's more innocent than you are." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan pushes the Play button on her answering machine.) Lynette's Voice: "Hey, it's Lynette. I know you're down about this Mike thing, but you got to come to poker. It'll be worth it. I got dirt on Maisy Gibbons." (The machine goes to the next message.) Mike's Voice: "Hey, Susan, it's me. Look, I really wish you'd return my calls. We need to talk. I know I messed things --" (Susan pushes the Erase button, cutting him off. ) Julie: "You okay?" Susan: "Hi." Julie: "You know, I can stay home if you want." Susan: "No, no, no. Now, I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend with your dad. I'm fine." Julie: "You don't look fine." Susan: "Well...I'm a little sad. Mike and I were just a fling. And not even a full fling. Sort of a borderline fling." Julie: "Mom, anyone can see how much you loved him." Susan: "Well, I also loved junk food, and I gave that up, and I survived." (A horn honks from outside.) Susan: "There's your father. Go have fun." Julie: "Last chance. You're sure?" Susan: "I'm sure. Now go." Julie: "You'll find someone else, mom. Someone great. I know it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Country Club] (Rex and Bree sit at a table eating lunch.) Bree: "What's wrong, Rex? Didn't you enjoy your golf game with Dr. Wallace?" Rex: "I didn't play. I'm still feeling sluggish." Bree: "Still? Did you talk to him about that?" Rex: "Yeah, of course. He doesn't understand why the medication isn't working, and he wants me to come in for a checkup tomorrow." (Some women laughing at the next table cause the two of them to turn and look. Tisha walks away from that table and heads to another one.) Bree: "I can see that Tisha is making the rounds. She must have some juicy new anecdote." Rex: "Then, get her over here. I could use a funny story today." Bree: "Tisha. Tisha. Oh, I can tell by that look on your face you've got something good. Now, come on, don't be selfish." Tisha: "Well, first off, you're not friends with Maisy Gibbons, are you?" (There's a short pause as Rex and Bree stare at each other before Bree turns back to Tisha.) Bree: "No." Tisha: "Thank god, because this is too good. Maisy was arrested. While Harold was at work, she was having sex with men in her house for money. Can you imagine?" Bree: "No, I can't." Tisha: "And that's not even the best part. Word is, she had a little black book with all her clients' names." Rex: "So, uh...you think that'll get out?"
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Tisha: "Of course. These things always do. Nancy, wait up. I can't wait to tell you this. Wait, wait." (She rushes off.) Bree: "Well, you heard your funny story, Rex. Why aren't you laughing?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette and Tom stand over a twin, combing out any and all lice that they find. The telephone rings.) Tom: "I'll get it." (He quickly tosses a louse into a cup of water on the table and picks up the phone. One of the twins reaches for the glass.) Lynette: "Aah, aah, aah." Tom: "Hello. Hi, Tammy, yeah." Twin: "Can we see one of the bugs?" Lynette: "Yeah, here. See? It's this little white thing. Look. It looks like a --" She sees that the twin she had been working on took the tweezers and clamped them on his face. Lynette: "Aw, jeez. (she removes the tweezers) It looks like a sesame seed." Twin: "That's cool." Lynette: "Yeah, well, there's lots more where that came from." Tom: "No, I'm -- I'm so sorry. He must be so disappointed. But, look, we'll get all the boys together once Topher's back on his feet. Bye." Lynette: "What'd Tammy want?" Tom: "She's canceling Topher's birthday party on Sunday. He's come down with the measles, so..." Twin: "Aww!" Lynette: "Measles, huh?" Tom: "Yeah. What?" Lynette: "Tammy Brennan spent a fortune on Topher's party. She'd call in specialists from Switzerland before she'd let it be canceled." Tom: "Okay. Why would Tammy lie to us?" Lynette: "Because she saw Porter scratching his head at school. They all did, and now word's getting around." Tom: "Why is everything a conspiracy theory with you? I mean, lots of kids get lice. It's not that big a deal." Lynette: "Well, it is for the rich bee-eye-tee-see-atch's..." (Tom looks exasperated as he quickly covers the ears of the twin he's working on.) Lynette: "...at Barcliff Academy." Tom: "Lynette." Lynette: "It's been one day, and they've been disinvited to a birthday party. If rumors start flying, these boys can kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye." Twin: "Uh-oh." Lynette: "Yeah, not so cool now, huh?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Edie hands Paul a folder with papers in it.) Edie: "It's all here. Appraisal, title search, and escrow documents. " Paul: "Again, I'm sorry about changing my mind, but this just isn't really a good time to sell the house. Zach's going through a lot, and he wants to finish high school before moving." Edie: "Ah, forget it. It's part of the business. I expect to get screwed over." (As they walk down the sidewalk towards Edie's car, she opens her briefcase.)
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Edie: "Now, where is your house key? Oh, I must have left it at home. I'll bring it by tonight." Paul: "No one will be here. Zach's away on a school trip, and I'm going to Mount Pleasant on business today. Just, uh, drop it by tomorrow." Edie: "Or I could just keep it." Paul: "What?" Edie: "It's a joke, Paul. I know your wife's dead and all, but it's been six months. Lighten up." (She walks to her car and Felicia comes down the sidewalk towards them.) Felicia: "Hello." Paul: "Felicia." Edie: "Oh, hi, Felicia." Felicia: "Edie, I found this in my sister's things. It has your name on it." Edie (gasps): "My necklace. Oh, you know...I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another." Paul: "So, Felicia. I heard they have a suspect in your sister's murder. Mike Delfino." Felicia: "Oh, he didn't kill her." Paul: "But they found her jewelry in his garage." Felicia: "But his fingerprints weren't on any of it." Paul: "Well, that just means he wore gloves." Felicia: "So, he's smart enough to use gloves, but he leaves her blood-spattered jewelry lying around for anyone to find? Please. Is that what you'd do if you killed someone?" Paul: "I don't know what goes through the mind of a murderer. I'm just saying I wouldn't trust him if I were you." (Edie finishes putting the necklace around her neck and after a moment of staring thoughtfully at Paul, Felicia turns to her.) Felicia: "Edie...that is lovely. Is it an antique?" Edie: "Yeah, I think so." Felicia: "You know, I know a store you would love. It specializes in antique jewelry. It's in Salt Lake City. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?" Edie: "No, I try to steer clear of Utah. It's a little too...conservative for me." Felicia: "Too bad. Have you ever been, Paul?" Paul: "No." Felicia: "It's lovely. I used to live there when I was a nurse. You should definitely go sometime." (She chuckles.) Felicia: "Bye." (She leaves, with Paul and Edie staring after her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House, bathroom] (Gabrielle hurriedly brushes her teeth. A little later, she uses a washcloth to give herself a quick sponge bath on her arms and neck. After making herself look presentable, she takes the washcloth she was using and tosses it to the side. ) Mary Alice Voiceover:"With no indoor plumbing, Gabrielle was now forced to improvise when it came to her personal hygiene wherever and whenever she had the opportunity." (A few minutes later, she enters Lynette's kitchen and sits down at the table, where she picks up her cards and reaches for some food in the center of the table.) Gabrielle: "Ahem. Sorry." Edie: "That's okay. I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update."
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Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue." Edie: "Well, I hear from a very reliable source that Maisy's gonna cut a deal with the prosecution. Apparently, she has some high-profile johns, and the D.A.'s looking for a second term." Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex." Gabrielle: "Obviously, someone who's not getting it at home." Edie: "So, the upshot is Maisy is going to turn over her little black book with all of her clients' names." Lynette: "Really." Edie: "Yep. I mean, can you imagine the fallout when this goes public? Ooh, blood on the walls." Gabrielle: "I'm all in." Lynette: "I'll call. Bree? " Bree: "Uh, what just happened?" Lynette: "The stakes were raised." Bree: "Yes, yes, they were. I fold." (Later, Lynette cleans up while Edie sits at the table, organizing the chips she won.) Lynette: "I can't believe how lucky you were today." Edie: "Luck had nothing to do with it. I had crappy cards. I was bluffing the entire time." Lynette: "Really? Wow, you're good." Edie: "Oh, that's the only nice thing I could say about my first husband -- he taught me how to bluff." Lynette: "He played poker?" Edie: "No, he was lousy in bed. I had to fake a lot of orgasms. You don't have to respond." Lynette: "Thank you." Edie: "So, uh, where was Susan today?" Lynette: "Um, I'm not sure." Edie: "Wow! Tom must be great in bed." Lynette: "Huh?" Edie: "Well, obviously, you have no idea how to bluff." Lynette: "Okay. She's going through something, and I'm sure she'd prefer it to be private." Edie: "She's upset with Mike, isn't she? Well, come on. I'm gonna find out sooner or later." Lynette: "She's devastated about the breakup, and she hasn't left the house in days." Edie: "Well, why didn't you just tell me that?" Lynette: "Because it's personal. It's the kind of thing she would only want me to tell her friends." Edie: "I'm Susan's friend. Well, I don't hate her." Lynette: "Edie, if you want me to share stuff with you, you're gonna have to start being more supportive of Susan." Edie: "Okay. How?" Lynette: "What do friends do? They call, they're sympathetic, they ask about the pain the other person is going through, and then they listen." Edie: "What if you want to be supportive, but you just can't stand listening to people bitch?" Lynette: "Then it's good to know how to bluff." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Paul opens up a box that has a large jumble of video tapes in it. He roots through it until he finds one labeled "Utah - Angela's Award Party." He goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. On it, Mary Alice is with a group of people at work. She hands out napkins, grinning, as they all offer congratulations to her.) (Paul, watching, smiles. Mary Alice holds up a plaque to the camera that reads "Wake Forrest Employee of
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the Year." The camera pulls back and pans slightly to the left, where a younger-looking Felicia is standing next to Mary Alice, smiling as she looks at the plaque. Paul quickly pauses the videotape and it stops on Felicia's face as she congratulates Mary Alice.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House, backyard] (Sitting by the jacuzzi, Gabrielle and Carlos perform their ablutions. Carlos, wearing only pants, is shaving, using a small mirror to see himself, and Gabrielle, wearing a bikini, shaves her legs, using the jacuzzi to wash the razor.) Gabrielle: "God, I have to go to the bathroom again." Carlos: "Go to Bree's." Gabrielle: "I've been to Bree's twice today." Carlos: "Then go to Susan's." Gabrielle: "I hate Susan's. She has all these weird scented candles. Her house reeks of apricot. Hose." (Carlos turns the hose on her legs and she shrieks slightly when the water hits her.) Carlos: "How about Lynette's?" Gabrielle: "No, you don't understand. I don't want to go to anybody's house anymore. I'm tired of knocking on doors and making up excuses as to why we haven't fixed our plumbing." Carlos: "Why are you yelling at me?" Gabrielle: "Because it's your fault." Carlos: "My fault?" Gabrielle: "Yes. If you hadn't gotten yourself indicted, we would have pipes right now." Carlos: "I got indicted trying to make enough money to keep you happy. In case you hadn't noticed, you're a little materialistic." Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm materialistic? When the Johnson's bought their new 7-series, you were the one who went right in and traded in his car for something better." Carlos: "Who ended up driving it?" (Gabrielle wraps a towel around herself and then dumps a small load of laundry into the jacuzzi.) Gabrielle: "You know what? I don't have time to fight right now. I have laundry to do." (She turns on the jacuzzi so that bubbles are released into the water, swishing the clothing around. She stalks off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Barcliff Academy] (Lynette comes up to a closed nurse's office in the school. She opens the door and peeks her head in.) Lynette: "Nurse Abigail?" Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, right? The twins' mother?" Lynette: "I just wanted to tell you that the boys are now lice-free." Nurse Abigail: "Good to hear." (Lynette steps fully into the office and closes the door behind her.) Lynette: "I just can't figure out how it happened. They get a bath every night. Trust me, it's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day." Nurse Abigail: "I believe you." Lynette: "I keep thinking that maybe it was the petting zoo that I took them to last week. That llama was really iffy." Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, it doesn't work that way. Lice only spreads from human to human. Even the cleanest kid in the world can get it if he gets too close to the wrong kid." Lynette: "Really?"
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Nurse Abigail: "Yes. So don't be so hard on yourself, huh?" Lynette: "I guess. Still, I can't help but feel a little guilty. After all, my kids started an entire lice outbreak." Nurse Abigail: "Look, your, uh, your kids didn't start it." Lynette: "They didn't?" Nurse Abigail: "No. I know for a fact that patient zero was another little boy. This is his fourth time with this particular problem." Lynette: "Oh. That is a load off my mind. Well, thank you." (She heads back towards the door, then turns around.) Lynette: "So which kid is it?" Nurse Abigail: "I can't tell you. You know we have a no-blame policy. We have to protect the children. You understand." Lynette: "Of course." (She turns to the door, then turns back around.) Lynette: "No, I don't. You're going to have to give me a name." Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo --" Lynette: "Here's the thing. Acting like parents won't assign blame is like pretending they don't keep score at pee-wee league games. It's human nature. If you don't give the moms someone to blame, they'll pick a scapegoat. I can't let my boys be the scapegoat." Nurse Abigail: "Please don't put me in this position." Lynette: "I'm begging you. They've already been uninvited from a birthday party, a really big birthday party with a bouncy house and a hot dog stand and a clown." Nurse Abigail: "I wish I could help you, but --" Lynette: "For god's sakes, there's gonna be a magician. Tammy Brennan went all out." Nurse Abigail: "Tammy Brennan? Topher's mother?" Lynette: "Yes." Nurse Abigail: "Well, isn't that interesting. Have a seat." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Prison] (A buzzer sounds and Maisy Gibbons, in orange prison scrubs, is led into a room where prisoners meet with visitors.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Meanwhile, at the Fairview County Prison, Maisy Gibbons was delighted to find out she had a visitor, but she was soon reminded one should always beware of visitors bearing gift baskets." (The visitor's door opens and a close-up of a decorated gift basket being held is shown.) Maisy: "You've got to be kidding me." Bree: "Hello, Maisy." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Gabrielle jogs down the street. She slows when she sees a construction site, with men working, and a Port-a-Potty sitting there. She smiles.) (Later, the construction workers get in their truck and leave and Gabrielle, hiding behind a large tool box, stands up. She goes over to the Port-a-Potty and pushes it off of its ramp.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Backyard] (A large drop cloth covers the Port-a-Potty. With Carlos watching, Gabrielle whips the cloth off to review the bathroom.) Gabrielle: "Ta-da!"
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Carlos: "Stuff like this is why I love you." (He kisses her, then goes into the Port-a-Potty. As Gabrielle walks away, the red "Occupied" sign flips on.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Prison] Maisy: "So...what brings you here?" Bree: "I need a favor." Maisy: "I thought as much." Bree: "I heard that there is a, um, little black book with the names of your clients in it." Maisy: "There is." Bree: "I was wondering if, perhaps, you could remove Rex's name from that little book." Maisy: "Wow, that's a big favor. Those muffins better be really good." Bree: "I have some money that I've been putting aside for emergencies. It can be all yours if you just..." Maisy: "Keep my mouth shut?" Bree: "Continue to be discreet." Maisy: "Gosh. I don't know." Bree: "I don't think it's asking that much. All you need to do is remove one little name." Maisy: "But if I do it for you, then I have to do it for all the other wives. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it?" Bree: "Maisy, please. I mean, we used to be good friends." Maisy: "Ah. Where were you when Harold lost his job a year ago, huh? Did you stop by to see if there was anything that you could do? Did you bring a big basket of baked goods when you knew we couldn't even pay our bills? If you did, those displays of friendship seem to have slipped my mind." Bree: "Maisy, I didn't mention it when you were having financial troubles because I thought it would embarrass you." Maisy: "Yes, I would have been embarrassed, but it would have been a whole lot better than the silence." Bree: "I have fourteen thousand dollars in that account. It can all be yours." Maisy: "I'm not interested. But you do get credit for one thing. You came to visit me, even if it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore." Bree: "Oh, sweetie. They didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with." (She starts to leave, then stops, turns back to the table, and picks up the basket of muffins.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (There's a knock on the door as Susan sits on her living room floor, going through decorative boxes.) Susan: "Who is it?" Edie: "It's Edie!" Susan: "Oh, Edie, not now. I'm kind of busy." (Edie walks into the living room.) Edie: "Hi." Susan: "Or just come on in." Edie: "What are you doing?" Susan: "I decided that my life is way too complicated, and so I'm simplifying. I am getting rid of the clutter." (She puts on an orange and lace hat and turns to face Edie.) Edie: "Ooh." Susan: "I was on vacation. Made sense at the time. Okay, not to be rude, but is there a reason you're here?" Edie: "Look, I'm feeling badly about what you're going through with Mike. And don't worry. I'm not going to
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date him." Susan: "Doesn't matter anymore." Edie: "Well, don't get me wrong. I still have every intention of sleeping with him. Some mountains are just meant to be climbed." Susan: "I got to learn to keep my doors locked." Edie: "How long have you been sitting here?" Susan: "I don't know. Five minutes, give or take three hours." Edie: "That's it. Get up. Get dressed." Susan: "Why?" Edie: "Beause you're coming with me. It's time to get wasted. Happy hour started forty-five minutes ago." Susan: "Why would I go anywhere with you?" Edie: "Because that's what normal women do when they get depressed. They put on short skirts, they go to bars with their girlfriends, maybe have one too many and then make out with some strange man in the back of a dark alley." Susan: "Wow." Edie: "Oh, come on. It'll be fun, I swear. Come on. Come on." (She begins dragging Susan by the feet.) Susan: "Why do you even care?" Edie: "I never said I cared. It's just...well, I...I guess I know what it's like to have your heart stomped on." Susan: "Okay. All right. Give me a minute. I'll go change my clothes." Edie: "And don't forget to do something with that skanky hair. You're a little scary-looking." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bar] (Music plays in the background as Susan and Edie sit at the bar, drinking. Edie points out a man to Susan.) Edie: "Ah. What about him?" Susan: "Not my type." Edie: "Oh, look, I know the pickins are slim, but isn't there someone here that you're attracted to?" Susan: "I hate 'em all. Look at them just leering at us. They're so damn cocky, like they know they have the upper hand." Edie: "What are you talking about? We have the upper hand. Without us, they have nothing." Susan: "Maybe fifteen years ago. Not anymore. Now we're just lonely and desperate, and they know it, and they just sit there, ready to pounce, waiting for us to take any crumb they're willing to throw our way. I don't want crumbs. I want Mike." (She throws her head down on the bar and when the bartender comes up them, Edie hands him her glass.) Edie: "Hi. Um... I'm going to be spending the whole night with her, so I'm gonna be needing a lot more of these." Susan: "I'm sorry. It's just so hard to find a guy like Mike. I know in my heart he didn't kill Mrs. Huber." Edie: "Okay. Let's say Mike's a peach and he didn't kill Martha. Who did?" Susan: "I don't know. Obviously, a bad guy. Somebody really awful, somebody like -- somebody like Paul Young." Edie: "Paul? Are you serious?" Susan: "I'm telling you, he's hiding something. He clams up every time we try to ask him about Mary Alice. And then when we found out about Dana..." Edie: "Dana. Who's Dana?" Susan: "Paul and Mary Alice had a baby that died." Edie: "You're kidding."
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Susan: "Zach killed her." Edie: "Holy crap. Who told you that?" Susan: "Paul. You know, he said it was an accident,but I'm telling you, I think that's why Mary Alice was being blackmailed." Edie: "Mary Alice was being blackmailed?" Susan: "Yeah. The girls and I found a threatening note in her stuff." Edie: "What the hell kind of street do we live on?" Susan: "I don't know." Edie: "Come to think of it, the other day, Paul was talking to Felicia, and he was working overtime trying to make Mike sound guilty." Susan: "See? Shifting blame onto someone else -- that's classic criminal behavior. Oh, I'm telling you, he's up to no good." Edie: "Zach and Paul are out of town. Maybe we should sneak into their house and do some snooping. I have a key." Susan: "Oh, my god, yes. We should do that." Edie: "Oh, come on. I was just kidding." Susan: "No, Edie, this is our chance. We should just go in for ten minutes." Edie: "Susan, that's breaking and entering." Susan: "Martha Huber was your best friend. If we could find out who really killed her, wouldn't that be worth the risk?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Country Club] (Rex and Bree are seated at a table at the country club. The maitre d' hands them menus.) Maitre D': "Have a nice evening." Bree: "Thank you." (Bree looks over at the next table, where a woman is sitting down.) Bree: "Serena, hi. How are you?" (Serena waves, then turns to her husband without saying anything.) Rex: "I talked to Dr. Wallace today." Bree: "Oh?" Rex: "He still has no idea why the medication isn't working. He told me he's thinking of running more tests. I told him I'm thinking about getting a second opinion." (As Rex talks, Bree looks around the restaurant, noticing the stares that others are giving them.) Bree: "Rex, this might sound silly, but are people staring at us?" Rex: "Yeah. What's going on?" Bree: "Well, I could be wrong, but I suspect that Maisy Gibbons' client list has been released." (Some people start laughing.) Rex: "You think they're laughing at us?" Bree: "No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me, which is just as mortifying." Rex: "What are we gonna do?" Bree: "Oh. We're gonna act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster." Rex: "Please, let's go now." Bree: "Oh, no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu." Rex: "Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating." Bree: "Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbons' nightstand."
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Rex: "All right, you stay here if you want to. I'm leaving." (He stands up.) Bree: "Rex. If you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream." Rex: "Bree --" Bree: "I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And then, just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step." (Rex looks around, then sits down.) Bree: "So, what are you having? The veal looks good." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Edie unlocks the house and she and Susan walk inside.) Edie: "So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?" Susan: "I don't know. Just something suspicious." (Edie goes over to the bar, where she sniffs one of the containers of liquor.) Edie: "Mmm, smells expensive." Susan: "Do you believe in evil, Edie?" Edie: "Of course I believe in evil. I work in real estate." Susan: "I'm serious. There's something about this house that's just so cold and creepy. You couldn't tell when Mary Alice was alive. She just brought so much warmth and light. Now there's something...I can just taste it. Can't you sense it?" Edie: "The only thing I can sense is that you've had too much to drink." Susan: "No, something happened in this house, something so awful we can't even imagine it." (There's a small crash.) Edie: "Ow! Son of a bitch." Susan: "Are you okay?" Edie: "Aah! I just stubbed my toe." (Susan sees the videotape that Paul had been watching earlier lying on the floor. She reads the label on it.) Susan: "Oh, my god -- Angela." Edie: "Huh?" Susan: "Angela -- that's what Mary Alice used to call herself." Edie: "What are you talking about?" Susan: "We heard it on this tape that Bree stole from her therapist's office. It's a long story. I'll tell you later. Oh, we got to put this in." (As soon as they put the tape in, they hear a large thud come from outside.) Susan: "What was that?" Edie: "I think it's Paul." Susan: "You said he was going to be gone." Edie: "Well, I guess I was wrong." (They turn off the tape and quickly try to find a place to hide.) Edie: "Hurry." Susan: "I've got to get the tape." Edie: "Hide!" Susan: "Oh! Oh! Oh!" (They jump behind the couch, but Susan accidentally drops the tape on the couch, where it falls behind the cushions.)
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(Paul walks in and turns on a light. He sits on the couch and begins reading a magazine. From behind the couch, Susan mouths "What are we gonna do?" to Edie.) (Edie stands up.) Edie: "Paul." Paul: "Aah! Edie. God, you scared me." Edie: "I'm sorry. I see that you, uh, made it back from Mount Pleasant." Paul: "Yes. What -- what are you doing here?" Edie: "Well, I came by to bring you your key. I was just about to leave you a note." Paul: "You're returning my key at 11:30 at night. What the hell's going on here?" Edie: "You're right. We're too old to be playing games." Paul: "What?" Edie: "My note was gonna tell you that I, uh...I-I wasn't kidding this afternoon. I really would like to keep a key to your place -- to use if the...mood strikes me." (Edie wraps her arms around Paul's neck as he tries backing away. Meanwhile, Susan tries to grab the videotape from her position behind the couch.) Paul: "You've been drinking." (He starts to turn back towards the couch, and Edie grabs him.) Edie: "Just enough to get up the courage to tell you how I feel about you." (She pushes him up against the wall and begins kissing him. Susan, on her hands and knees, looks around the couch at them and makes a face. Edie, still kissing Paul, motions to Susan to leave. Susan crawls out of the house, still on her hands and knees.) (Outside, Mike puts some trash in the garbage can and sees Susan crawl out onto the street. He goes after her.) (In Paul's house, Edie breaks the kiss.) Edie: "Okay, well...obviously, you're uncomfortable about this, so I-I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you. Here. Here's your key. I'll see you around." Paul: "Edie, um... I'm not embarrassed." Edie: "Huh?" Paul: "If anything...I'm flattered." (He grabs her and pushes her against the wall, kissing her.) (Outside, Mike catches up with Susan.) Mike: "Susan. Susan, talk to me." Susan: "Mike, it's not a good time. I'm a little drunk and a little freaked out." Mike: "Why haven't you returned any of my messages?" Susan: "We're broken up. I thought I made that pretty clear." Mike: "Oh, come on. Can't we work this out?" Susan: "You lied to me." Mike: "When? When did I lie to you?" Susan: "The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man." Mike: "You can't believe I'm some cold-blooded killer." Susan: "No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike -- blind faith is not my friend." Mike: "I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment." Susan: "See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments." Mike: "Susan --"
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Susan: "Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, "oh, and by the way, I once killed a man." Or when you said, "hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "well, by the way, I once killed a man." Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, and by the way, I did that once." You didn't." Mike: "Do you want to hear what happened or not?" Susan: "It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say ever again." (He grabs her and kisses her.) Mike: "Well, at the very least, you can believe that." (He turns and walks back to his house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Backyard] (Gabrielle hurries to the Port-a-Potty and tries to open the door, which is locked.) Carlos: "Occupied." Gabrielle: "Carlos, I have to go." Carlos: "Well, you're gonna have to wait." Gabrielle: "Why should I have to wait? It's my port-a-potty." Carlos: "What do you mean, it's yours?" Gabrielle: "I'm the one who stole it." Carlos: "Babe, I'm sorry. You're just gonna have to wait." (She kicks the Port-a-Potty and storms off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree sits on her couch, drinking coffee. The sound of a toilet flushing is heard and Gabrielle walks into the room.) Gabrielle: "Thank you so much, Bree. Seeing your tile has really helped me make my decision. Next time I remodel, I am using limestone." Bree: "Gabrielle, is everything okay?" Gabrielle: "Sure. Why?" Bree: "Well, it's just that you've been acting kind of odd lately." Gabrielle: "In what way?" Bree: "Well, you keep coming up with excuses to use everyone's bathroom, and then two days ago, Mr. Cowley looked into your back yard and saw you and Carlos doing your laundry in the jacuzzi." Gabrielle: "Well, uh, there's a simple explanation for that. I, um..." Bree: "Are you and Carlos having some sort of money trouble? Gabby, it's okay if you are." Gabrielle: "Is that so?" Bree: "Yes, and, and to tell you the truth, I'm a little insulted. I am a good friend. Why would you feel like you have to hide that from me?" Gabrielle: "I don't know. Probably for the same reason you didn't tell me Rex was one of Maisy's clients." Bree: "That is obviously different." Gabrielle: "Why? Because it happened to you? Bree, this is how I see it -- good friends support each other after they've been humiliated. Great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place." Bree: "Well, then, good luck on your remodel." Gabrielle: "And please tell Rex I said hello." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Topher's Birthday Party] (A big birthday party is occuring at Tammy's house when Lynette walks in with the twins, holding a present.)
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Lynette: "Hey, Tammy." Tammy: "Lynette." Lynette: "I see Topher's made a speedy recovery." Twin: "Can we go play?" Lynette: "Yeah, sure, boys. Have fun." Twins: "Whoo! Let's go play in the bounce house! Let's go! Let's go! Come on!" Tammy: "All right,you caught me. I lied. But, uh, you sure have some nerve, crashing a six-year-old's birthday party." Lynette: "Just so you know, I got Topher a set of bongo drums. I know you'll love them as much as he will." (At the bounce house, Mona leans in and shouts to her child.) Mona: "Charlie, come on out of there! I don't want you playing with those Scavo boys!" Tammy: "Uh, Mona, please. I'm sure they're clean. (to Lynette) You are not ruining my party." (Tammy climbs into the bounce house.) Tammy: "All right, Porter, Preston, okay, out, out, out. Come on. Porter, Preston, let's go." (Lynette climbs in with them.) Lynette: "No, not -- not -- not quite yet. Boys, keep bouncing. That's right. Keep bouncing. Oh, by the way, I spoke to Nurse Abigail. I know who patient zero is." Tammy: "All right, that's it, kids. Get out. Out, out, out. Go, go." Lynette: "How could you do that?" Tammy: "Look, this party meant everything to Topher. I couldn't risk people not showing up. He would be devastated. I had to do something." Lynette: "And the best you could come up with was letting my kids take the fall?" Tammy: "Hey, I hardly had to say anything. People were already suspicious. Lynette: "Oh, please." Tammy: "Yeah, it's true. Let's face it -- your boys aren't the cleanest kids on the planet." Lynette: "That was not a smart thing to say." Tammy: "Where are you going?" Lynette: "I'm going to tell the truth to every mother out there, and then I'm gonna take back the bongos." Tammy: "No, wait, okay, all right. Look, I wa--I was wrong. I admit it. I am really, really, really sorry." Lynette: "Too little, too late." Tammy: "Okay, okay. No, I'll -- I'll tell everyone that I was wrong, that your kids aren't the ones. Please, I'm begging you." Lynette: "Well, why are you standing there? Get to it." (They leave the bounce house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is on the porch when Bree comes up to her.) Gabrielle: "Bree, hi." Bree: "Hi." Gabrielle: "What's up?" Bree: "Well, um, I've been doing some thinking. Rex and I have been members of the Fairview Country Club for years, and, well, lately, it seems to have lost some of its exclusivity, and so I've decided not to renew our membership. I'd rather see the money go to someone I care about." (She hands Gabrielle an envelope. Gabrielle takes it and opens it. She pulls out a check.) Gabrielle: "Oh, Bree, I-I can't take that." Bree: "Gabby, this is the way I see it -- good friends offer to help in a crisis. Great friends don't take no for an
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answer." Gabrielle: "We're gonna pay you back every cent. I promise." Bree: "Take your time." (She gets up and leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Topher's Birthday Party] (A magician does tricks for the crowd of kids, who clap and shout. Lynette watches as Topher scratches his head. She turns to look at Tammy, who returns her gaze.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, everyone loves a scandal...no matter how big or small." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Backyard] (Carlos goes out into the backyard to go to the Port-a-Potty. As he opens the door, his next door neighbor catches his eye over the fence separating their properties.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"After all...what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Rex opens the car door for Bree, who gets in. As he closes the door, he sees neighbors walking down the sidewalk, who give each other a look when they see him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"What could be more amusing than the public exposure of hypocritical sinners?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Prison] (Maisy stands in the corner of the prison room, watching from a distance as other prisoners play cards together.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, everyone loves a scandal. And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Paul sits down on the couch. He feels something underneath him and after pushing away the pillows, finds the videotape that Susan dropped.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...well...the next one is always around the corner." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1x17 - There Won't Be Trumpets -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover Previously on "Desperate Housewives": Susan:The police showed me your rap sheet!You killed the man! Mike:You don't know if it happened or not. Susan:It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say,ever again. Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes unexpected visitors... Juanita:So you think she is cheating on you? Carlos:Think so.
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Juanita:I'll take care of it. Carlos:Thank you, Mam. Mary Alice Voiceover:...lead to unexpected consequences. Bree:Andrew, you almost killed another human being! Andrew:She's lived her life!I have my whole life ahead of me,and now it might be screwed up! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sacred Heart Hospital - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"In the Coma Ward at Sacred Heart Hospital, the dreams begin just after midnight. The pitch black of night gives way to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning." (A janitor stops cleaning the floor and stretches.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gus, the custodian, dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job." (He removes a piece of paper from his shirt pocket, kisses it, picks up his thermos, and walks off.) A security guard, sitting in a chair, pulls out a neck pillow to place on his neck. Mary Alice Voiceover:"Howard, the security guard, envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics." (He kicks off his shoes and closes his eyes.) (A night nurse sits at a desk, looking bored. She spins something on the desk and watches it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Ruth Ann, the night nurse, fantasizes about leaving her husband." (As it spins, she checks her watch, picks up a pack of cigarettes and stands up to leave, leaving her wedding ring spinning on the desk.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in Room 312." (Inside room 312, Juanita Solis lies still in her hospital bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Juanita Solis had been dreaming steadily for five months. Sometimes of the shocking secret she had uncovered." (Flashback to her taking a picture of Gabrielle and John caught in bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Other times, she dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital." (Flashback to her running out of the Solis house and getting hit by a car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth." (Carlos sits next to Juanita's bedside holding her hands. Juanita leans over and begins whispering to Carlos.) Juanita: "Carlos. Gabrielle..." Mary Alice Voiceover:"And then one night...Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up." (Juanita's eyes open suddenly and she sits up in bed.) (A few minutes later, Juanita leaves her hospital room, holding onto her pole with IV fluids. She looks up and down the empty hallway.) Juanita: "Hello? Is anybody here?" (Juanita goes down the hallway, looking back and forth.) Juanita: "Hello!" (Juanita reaches the empty nurse's station and bangs on the counter.) Juanita: "I have to call my son!" (Juanita continues to run down the hallway in her stocking feet. She runs past the hallway and doesn't see the sleeping guard. She continues running and see a phone on the wall at the end of a hallway. She pulls out the intravenous tube and runs down the hallway toward the phone.) (As she heads towards it, she slips on the wet floor left by the janitor. She slides straight into a stairwell, where she falls down the stairs, right near the feet of the nurse taking her cigarette break. Ruth Ann, turns, shocked.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Even though she knew she was about to die, Juanita didn't care. The truth was finally
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going to come out." (Ruth Ann puts out her cigarette and runs toward Juanita. Ruth Ann kneels down and holds Juanita's head.) Juanita: "Tell my son his wife is cheating on him." Ruth Ann: "Oh my God!" (Juanita dies.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly for Juanita, this was one dream that would never come true." (Ruth Ann pulls earphones from her ears. Music is blasting from the earphones.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (At Susan's kitchen table, there are illustrated drawings knights and dragons.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their goodness, but mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another we all dream of being rescued." (Susan goes to the coffeemaker by the sink and pours herself a cup. She looks through the kitchen window and sees Mike walking up to the door.) (He knocks on the door.) Mike: "Susan, I know you're in there. We have to talk." (Susan opens door and faces Mike.) Mike: "This is crazy." Susan: "I know." (Mike grabs Susan and they kiss.) (Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.) (Susan again opens the door and faces Mike.) Mike: "Everything the cop said to you is true. I did kill someone. But there's one thing they didn't tell you. I killed for you, Susan." (Susan grabs Mike and kisses him.) (Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.) (Susan opens the door and faces Mike. He pulls out a gun and aims at her.) Mike: "Susan, if I can't have you, no one else can." (Susan knocks the gun out of Mike's hand.) Susan: "Shut up." (Susan grabs Mike and kisses him. The coffee cup she is holding falls and breaks.) (Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming. She looks down at the unbroken cup in her hand. She sees Mike walking toward the door, and then he knocks.) (Susan drops to the floor and crawls to the door.) Mike: "Susan, are you home? Susan, your car is here. I know you're in there. I was hoping we could talk for a minute." (Susan whimpers and leans against the door. Mike slides a letter under the door. Susan pulls it in.) Mike: "Susan, maybe you should have waited until I left to do that. All right, look, I know you don't want to see me right now, but I owe you an explanation and it's all in there, all of it. Everything you ever wanted to know about my past, about my reasons for doing what I did. It's all there." (Susan stands up and looks out the door in time to watch Mike walk away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[School Parking Lot]
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(A car sits in the parking lot. Its interior is filled with smoke. A school security guard knocks on window. A window rolls down and smoke pours out.) Andrew: "Hey!" Security Guard: "Guys come on. What are you doing?" Andrew: "Ah, you know, just bonding. Discussing current events." Security Guard: "Hey, seriously, listen, if you guys would have just parked across the street I could have let you go." Andrew: "Why don't you pretend like we did?" (Andrew's friends laugh.) Security Guard: "Get out of the car." (Instead, Andrew starts pulling away.) Security Guard: "Hey, hey, hey! Stop the car!" (He holds onto the window and as the car speeds up, he trips and rolls on the ground as the car leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Rex: "I can't believe it. Two months from graduation and he gets expelled." Bree: "You know we are just lucky that that security guard did not press charges." Rex: "So what are we gonna do?" Bree: "Well, glad that you asked." (Bree pulls out some pamphlets from a drawer and lays them out.) Rex: "What are these?" Bree: "They're brochures for youth detention centers." Rex: "How long have you had these?" Bree: "They've been in the drawer for a few months. I had a feeling we might be needing them." Rex: "Bree, I don't know." Bree: "We have to admit that we need help. If we can't get through to Andrew then we have to find someone who can." Rex: "You really want to send our son away to some prison camp?" Bree: "Oh come on, don't be so dramatic. Some of these places actually look fun. Look. Camp Hennessey." (reading) "Camp Hennessey teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere." (Bree holds up the brochure for Rex to see. Rex grabs the brochure.) Rex: "The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence." Bree: "Well, you have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries. Okay, how about this one. It's perfect for Andrew. It's a ranch in Montana. It has lots of fresh air and plenty of open spaces and daily classes in anger management." Rex: "I'm, I'm not comfortable with this." Bree: "All right, what about this one. It's in the desert and it's very reasonable. Barracks are a little bit bleak, but that recidivism rate is to die for!" Rex: "Bree, I'm not doing it. I'm not sending my son away." Bree: "It's easy for you, isn't it? You're not the one he's openly rude to. You're not the one he challenges every day. You're not the one he hates." Rex: "I'll talk to him, all right? I'll sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart to heart." Bree: "You talk to him all you want. I'm gonna check out the place with the electrified fence." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Barcliff Academy] (Five children, including Porter and Preston, dressed in colonial costume, stand on a small stage, reciting lines.) Twin: "Listen, my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere." (Lynette proudly smiles as she watches her sons recite. She turns to see, in the audience, a mother and young daughter signing to each other.) Twin: "In the lantern is turned off in the belfry arch of the North church tower. One if by land, two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be." (The parents applaud. Lynette smiles proudly as she applauds.) (Lynette, pushing a stroller, approaches the little girl and woman who had been signing.) Lynette: "Um, hi. I, I wanted to introduce myself to your Mom. I'm Lynette Scavo." Alisa Stevens: "Have we met? I'm Alisa Stevens." Lynette: "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought..." Alisa: "I read lips." Lynette: "Oh." (Alisa starts signing and her daughter begins translating for her.) Lily (translating): "But a lot of the time, signing is much easier. I don't like to misunderstand or be misunderstood." (Lily turns toward Lynette and offers her hand.) Lily: "And I'm Lily." Lynette: "Oh hi. Nice to meet you, Lily." (A young boy in a horse costume runs by.) Matt: "Hi, mom." Alisa: "That's my son, Matt." Lynette: "My twins talk about Matt all the time. We should set up a play date." Alisa: "That sounds great. Let's have dinner, too." Lynette: "I'd love to." (Lynette turns toward her boys as she hears them yelling. They are holding Matt's horse's tail, whipping it and yelling. Matt is trying to run away.) Twins: "The British are coming! The British are coming. Giddy up! Giddy up! Giddy up." Matt:"No, no, no." (Lynette turns back toward Alisa.) Lynette: "Even better, let's just keep it adults." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House]. (Gabrielle is sitting on the couch reading the paper. Carlos comes in the front door.) Carlos: "Babe, they blinked! We got 'em by the short hairs!" (Carlos grabs Gabrielle's hand and pulls her up.) Gabrielle: "Who? Who blinked?" (Carlos picks Gabrielle up and she shrieks.) Carlos: "I just spoke to the lawyers. They offered a plea bargain." Gabrielle: "And that's - good?" Carlos: "It means they know they got a weak case. They don't think they can win. It's over." Gabrielle: "Oh my god! Honey, that means we can keep the house!" Carlos: "No. We still have to sell the house. I gotta pay the lawyers." Gabrielle: "But I thought you said they offered a plea bargain."
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Carlos: "Yeah, but we're not gonna take that." Gabrielle: "Put me down." (Carlos puts Gabrielle down.) Carlos: "Honey, it would mean me going to jail for eight months." Gabrielle: "I think that's pretty reasonable considering you're guilty as sin!" Carlos: "You said that you were fine with selling the house." Gabrielle: "That was before I knew we could trade a couple months in prison to keep it!" (The phone rings. Gabrielle goes over to answer it.) Gabrielle: "What? No, this is her daughter-in-law." Carlos: "Is it the hospital? Is it Mama?" (Gabrielle turns away from Carlos.) Gabrielle: "Ah, thank you, yes." (She hangs up.) Carlos: "Gabby?" Gabrielle: "I'm sorry, Carlos." (She puts her arms around him and hugs him close. As she holds him, she smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Pamphlets for crypts, caskets, and flowers are spread all over the coffee table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some believe people are judged by the way they live life, and others by the way they leave it." Carlos: "I like the Lexington mahogany with gold leaf. It comes with a pink velvet interior and drapes. Plus it's hand-engraved so in case of a flood or earthquake, they'll at least be able to know which one is hers." Gabrielle: "Don't you think that's a little over the top?" Carlos: "I want the best for Mama." Gabrielle: "No, honey, these funeral homes make a fortune trying to convince people to overspend." Carlos: "What are you saying?" Gabrielle: "Well, I'm saying your mother was a sensible woman. She wouldn't be comfortable with all these bells and whistles. Maybe this one. Wood veneer!" (Carlos closes his eyes and shakes his head.) Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos: "You never liked Mama." Gabrielle: "Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts. She always thought you married beneath you and she let me know it." Carlos: "She loved you." Gabrielle: "She treated me like trash!" (crosses herself) "God rest her soul." Carlos: "I'm putting my mother in the grave. Now is not the time to pinch pennies." Gabrielle: "Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now. Let her be true to her roots. She was born humble and barefoot." Carlos: "She was a queen." (He walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Outside] (Susan holds the sealed letter marked "Susan" that Mike had put under her door. Sitting around her are Lynette, Edie, and Bree.) Lynette: "So what did Mike say when he gave you the letter?"
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Susan: "That it explains everything." Bree: "Well, does it?" Susan: "I haven't read it." Edie: "Well, why the hell not?" Susan: "I just can't." Lynette: "You're a better woman than me. I would have ripped that open with my teeth. Aren't you dying to know what he wrote?" Susan: "Yes. What if it just a bunch of far-fetched stories." Bree: "Well, you should assume that it is." Lynette: "Why?" Bree: "Well, think about how good men are at lying on the spot. I mean, God forbid, you should give them time and a pen!" (Lynette and Edie laugh.) (A car drives up on the street behind them and honks. The sign on the door of the car reads "General Contractors." A handsome man calls out to Edie.) Bill: "Hey Edie, you mind stopping by the site later? I have blueprints of the master bath." Edie: "Oh. I'll see you in a few, Bill." (Susan turns and looks at Bill. Bill nods and smiles at Susan as he drives away.) Edie: "That's my new contractor. We're sort of dating." Lynette: "Didn't you once say you never mix business with pleasure?" Edie: "No, I said never mix pleasure with commitment." Lynette (laughing): "Right." Bree: "So, Susan, what are you gonna do with the letter?" Edie: "And for pete's sake, would you open it up already?" (Susan begins to open the letter, then stops.) Susan: "No, no, I won't. I don't trust Mike anymore. And without trust...no, no. I'm just gonna go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash." (Susan begins walking toward her house. Lynette grabs the letter and acts like she's going to rip it up.) Lynette: "Why wait, why don't we just rip it up now." (Susan grabs the letter back.) Susan: "No, no no. That's okay, I don't wanna, you know, litter." (She runs inside her house. The other women watch her go.) Lynette: "She is so opening that letter." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sacred Heart Hospital] (Gabrielle walks down the hallway.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"While Carlos was making arrangements to bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she'd be taking her secret to the grave." (Gabrielle reaches the nurse's station. As she looks at the nurse behind the counter, a man in a business suit walks up to a room behind Gabrielle, and enters it, but makes sure to keep the door cracked open so he can eavesdrop.) Gabrielle: "Hi, I'm Gabrielle Solis. You're Nurse Heissel?" Nurse Ruth Ann Heissel: "Yes, Hi. Um, when you called and said you were coming down I collected all the personal things that your husband brought in during Juanita's stay with us." (Nurse Heissel puts a cardboard box on the counter.) Nurse Heissel: "I assume that that's why you were stopping by."
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Gabrielle: "Oh, that's so thoughtful of you, but actually no." Nurse Heissel: "No?" (The man behind the door continues to watch.) Gabrielle: "No, you see my husband and I still don't have a clear account as to how Juanita passed." Nurse Heissel: "How?" Gabrielle: "Yes, did she die quietly in her sleep?" (Nurse Heissel and the man in the doorway nod as if agreeing with what Gabrielle is saying.) Nurse Heissel: "Oh yeah, that's usually how it happens. I mean, I'm pretty sure that that's how it happened." Gabrielle: "Pretty sure?" Nurse Heissel: "I mean, I don't know exactly cause I wasn't with her at that time." Gabrielle: "Uh huh. Was anyone with her? An orderly, candy striper, anyone?" (The man still watches them.) Nurse Heissel: "No. She was alone." (The man closes his eyes and bows his head.) Gabrielle: "Thank you so much. That's all I needed to hear." (Gabrielle walks away. As she passes by the room the man is in, he quickly closes the door. Nurse Heissel picks up the cardboard box.) Nurse Heissel: "Mrs. Solis!" Gabrielle: "Oh, you can just toss that!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Outside] (Susan comes out with purse and keys. She looks at her car and sees that she has a flat tire.) Susan: "Great, just great!" (She stoops down to look at the tire and pulls out a long nail. She hears construction work going on at Edie's house and looks that way.) (Susan walks over to the construction lot. She sees the man, Bill, who had been in the general contractors truck and walks up to him, nail in hand.) Susan: "I think this is yours." (She hands Bill the nail.) Bill: "Yeah. Yeah, I've been looking for this one. Thanks." Susan: "I don't suppose you have any idea where I found it?" Bill: "Well, these little suckers are drawn to bare feet and car tires and since you're not limping or bleeding..." (They smile at each other.) (At Susan's car, Bill has a compressor filling Susan's tire.) Bill: "This is only temporary. You're going to need to take this tire in to get it fixed." Susan: "Thanks, I will." Bill: "Seriously. It's not safe. You're probably only going to get 20, 30 miles out of it." Susan: "All right, I promise." Bill: "Hey listen, I'm about to break for lunch. How would you like to join me?" Susan: "Lunch?" Bill: "Yeah. Lunch." Susan: "Are you asking me out on a date?" Bill: "That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a can of soda but, yeah, I guess I am." Susan: "Aren't you dating Edie?" Bill: "We went out on a date, we're not dating." Susan: "Oh."
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Bill: "So how about it? I'm buying." Susan: "Yeah. I just got out of this relationship with this guy, Mike, and it's kind of complicated. Anyway, I'm just not even sure where I am right now emotionally, I'm just all jumbled up and I don't think I could leap right into something new, relationship wise, you know, at the moment." Bill: "Again. Just a burrito." Susan: "Sorry." Bill: "Okay, I understand. Sounds like you need a little time to reflect and heal." Susan: "I do. I really do." Bill: "Okay. I'll check back with you again tomorrow." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom, Lynette, Alisa and her husband, Dennis, are having dinner. Alisa is signing and her husband it translating.) Dennis (translating Alisa's signing): "This is so delicious. I don't know how you find the time with four kids." Lynette: "Only for first time guests. Normally you'd be having, um, chicken fingers and cartoon shaped macaroni." Tom: "If that." Lynette: "Hey. Shut up." Alisa: "Tom, you're in advertising, right?" Tom: "Uh hm." Alisa: "I worked five years at Simon and Scott." Tom: "Well, I started at Simon and Scott. I hated those guys." (Everyone laughs.) Alisa: "But we have to talk." Tom: "Yes. Who do you know? Do you know who's there now?" (Tom scoots his chair closer to Alisa's and Dennis turns to Lynette.) Dennis: "Well, it's all over now. They'll be talking shop for the rest of the night. Alisa loves talking about Alisa." Lynette: "Well, Lynette loves talking about Lynette, too." Dennis: "Oh I don't believe that for a second. You and your husband seem pretty solid." (Tom and Alisa can be seen and heard talking in the background.) Dennis: "We're going through some tough stuff. We're in counseling." Tom (in the background): "They're nice people." Lynette (uncomfortably): "Oh really? More steak?" Dennis: "It was her idea. It's not the most pleasant way to spend an hour. Basically, I look at the clock and she blames me for everything." Lynette: "I don't think we should be talking about Alisa with her, so..." (She gestures over at Alisa.) Dennis: "It's okay, it's not like she can hear. Maybe I'll have some more of that potato stuff." (A shocked Lynette stares at Dennis.) (Later, Tom and Lynette clear the dishes.) Tom: "He actually said those things with her just sitting right there?" Lynette: "It was really nasty and he wouldn't shut up either." Tom (disgusted): "Ahhh." Lynette: "I can't believe you said we'd play tennis with them." Tom: "Honey, that was before I knew that he was a jerk. She was great. Look what she taught me." Tom (signs) : "I Love You."
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Tom: "Means I love you." Lynette: "Yeah, that's great. What am I gonna do?" Tom: "What do you mean?" Lynette: "Well, obviously she needs to be told." Tom: "Wha-no, no, no, she doesn't. This is between Dennis and Alisa." Lynette: "How can I ignore this? And I quote, 'It's not like she can hear.'" Tom: "Lynette, you're starting to ring up into that whole meddling thing that you do." Lynette: "Excuse me!" Tom: "Let me just handle it. Let's avoid a big thing." Lynette: "Are you saying I can't be tactful?" Tom: "No. If he says something when we play tennis, I will take him aside man to man and say that's not cool." Lynette: "Are you saying I'm not tactful?" (Tom looks as though he does not know what to say so instead he signs "I love you" to Lynette. She grabs his finger and pushes him back.) Tom: "Ow, ow, ow, owww." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Andrew lies on his bed watching TV. Bree walks in with a laundry basket.) Bree: "Andrew, I need you to take out the trash." Andrew: "Sure." Bree: "Now, not five hours from now." (With a long-suffering sigh, he sits up.) Andrew: "I'm going, I'm going. God! Um, I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight so I'm gonna need forty bucks." Bree: "No!" Andrew: "What?" Bree: "You no longer get an allowance." Andrew: "Fine. I'm not taking out the trash." Bree (exasperated): "Andrew." Andrew: "What are you gonna do, torture me? Go ahead, I can take it." (Bree approaches Andrew who is sitting on the bed.) Bree: "What I want, what I have always wanted is for you to be happy. And you're not. And I have no idea how to help you." (Rex walking by the room, stops in the doorway.) Andrew: "Well, you can start by getting out of the way." Bree: "I will not. We're gonna talk about this now." Andrew: "I said get out of the way!" (He kicks at her, pushing her with his leg. Bree stumbles, almost falling. Rex runs into the room and grabs Andrew by the arms and pulls him up and slams him against the wall.) Rex: "The next time you touch your mother like that, I'm gonna throw you through this wall! You understand me?" (Andrew has a frightened look on his face. Rex leaves the room glancing at Bree to make sure she is okay. Bree grabs the laundry basket and walks to the door. She turns to look at Andrew who looks like he's about to start crying. Bree turns away and walks out.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Susan's House] (Susan sits on the bench in her front yard, drawing. Edie jogs by.) Susan: "Oh, Edie. Wait up, I, I want to ask you something." (Edie continues to run, so Susan follows her.) Edie: "Can't stop, gotta keep my heart rate up." Susan: "I was just wondering how you'd feel if I went out with Bill." (Edie stops running.) Edie: "What?" Susan: "Um. Bill asked me out." Edie: "Bill? My Bill?" Susan: "Well, see that's the thing, he doesn't think of himself as "your Bill" cause he said that date was just a one time thing. Which I know because when he asked me out, I told him I thought you guys were involved." Edie: "So, you haven't agreed to go out with him?" Susan: "No. No, I wanted to check with you first." Edie: "Wow. That was nice of you." Susan: "So, can I?" Edie: "No." (Edie takes off jogging again. Susan runs after her.) Susan: "Edie! Edie, why can't I go out with him?" (Edie stops jogging again.) Edie: "Because I saw him first." Susan: "Come on, that's a really 3rd-grade thing to say." Edie: "Look, you asked my permission, I said no. That should be the end of it!" (Edie takes off jogging again. Susan yells after her.) Susan: "Well, you know, technically, I don't need your permission!" (Edie stops jogging and turns to face Susan.) Edie: "You know, I so much want to like you but you just won't let me." Susan: "Edie." Edie: "Susan, you know I try. I try to look passed your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons." Susan: "He just wants to buy me a burrito." Edie: "Susan, please. Let me like you." Susan: "Okay, I won't go out with him. I mean obviously you have feeling for him." Edie: "No, I don't. I really don't." Susan: "So what then? If you can't have him, nobody can?" Edie: "See? Now you're thinking like a friend." (Edie turns and jogs away leaving Susan with a dumbfounded look on her face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Cemetary] (A singer in black, holding a single rose, sings Ave Maria as she leads a procession of black-clad mourners for Juanita Solis.) (Lynette walks with Bree.) Lynette: "What a voice." Bree: "You have to hand it to Gabby and Carlos. They do grieve better than anyone." (A white horse pulling a carriage containing Juanita Solis' casket is leading the procession. Carlos and Gabrielle are near the front of the group.)
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Gabrielle: "So, how much did that horse and buggy set us back?" Carlos: "Do you mind?" Gabrielle: "Being poor? A little." (The priest turns to look at Gabrielle.) Gabrielle: "Eyes front, Padre." (In the group of mourners, Susan and Julie walk together.) Susan: "I can't believe Edie. She doesn't have dibs on every man on the planet. If I want to go out with Bill, I should be able to." Julie: "I thought you weren't even into him." Susan: "Well, neither is she. And if she's not into him, why can't I not be into him." Julie: "I'm gonna mourn now." (The procession begins to slow down.) Gabrielle: "What's going on? Why are we slowing down?" Carlos: "'Cause we're almost there." (Gabrielle looks straight ahead and sees them heading towards a very large crypt.) Gabrielle: "What is that?" Carlos: "The family who owned it couldn't afford the maintenance payment. I got an amazing deal." Gabrielle: "A crypt? You bought your mother a crypt?" Carlos: "Keep quiet. You're making a scene!" Gabrielle: "Oh, that's it. I cannot be a part of this! I can't do it!" (Gabrielle pushes the program into Carlos' hand and walks away. Carlos follows her.) Carlos: "Gabrielle!" (After a second hesitation, the group of people begins following Carlos and Gabrielle off the path.) Carlos: "Stop acting like a child!" (Lynette and Bree stop walking.) Lynette: "Are, are we supposed to be following them?" Bree: "I don't know. I mean, maybe it's part of the ritual." Gabrielle: "Go to hell, Carlos!" (Bree's mouth drops open. She turns to Lynette and hands her the rose she had been holding. She then calls out to the group who had followed Carlos and Gabrielle.) Bree: "All right, people. We're going to follow the body. This way please." (She claps her hands to get their attention.) Bree: "Come along." (Everyone starts to follow Bree.) (Away from the crowd, Gabrielle turns to Carlos.) Gabrielle: "This is too much. The only reason I agreed to give up the house is because I thought I was gonna get a gorgeous little apartment. Now, I'm not even going to get that!" Carlos: "What do you want me to do?" Gabrielle: "Take the plea!" Carlos: "What?" Gabrielle: "Yeah! You did the crime, why should I have to pay the price? Just suck it up, be a man, and do the time." Carlos: "Gabrielle, you're being ridiculous!" Gabrielle: "Am I? All I want is the same respect that you gave your dead mother." Carlos: "Gabby, please just-" Gabrielle: "At least she's gonna have a roof over her head."
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(She storms off, leaving Carlos shaking his head.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Country Club Tennis Court] (Alisa, Dennis, Tom, and Lynette play tennis. Alisa serves.) Alisa: "Fifteen all." (Alisa serves and Tom hits it back just in the line.) Alisa: "Oh, was that in?" Tom: "Nice try." (Tom and Lynette laugh. Alisa goes to get the ball.) Dennis: "God, Alisa, you're deaf, not blind." (Lynette and Tom are visibly shocked by Dennis' words.) Tom: "It was a close call." Lynette: "That's telling him." Tom: "Waiting for my moment." Dennis: "If you think her tennis stinks you should try her cooking." (Tom and Lynette glance at each other.) Alisa: "Fifteen-thirty." (Alisa serves. Lynette hits it back nearly hitting Dennis. He drops.) Lynette: "Sorry. I should have mentioned that my tennis is much better than my cooking." (Later, everyone approaches the net. Lynette and Alisa pat hands.) Lynette: "That was fun. You play really well." Alisa: "Thank you." Dennis: "Give me a break, she serves underhand, for god sake." (Lynette and Tom see that Alisa did not hear that comment. Lynette stares at Tom silently asking him to say something. Tom doesn't nothing.) Lynette: "What's your problem?" Dennis: "Excuse me?" (Alisa looks up. Tom rushes over to her.) Tom: "Hey, do have any bottled water over there because, uh, my electrolytes get all wacky when I sweat." (Tom walks over to Alisa, blocking her view.) Lynette: "She's your wife. How can you talk about her like that?" Dennis: "Let me tell you what Saint Alisa is saying with that phony smile plastered on her face." (signing and talking) "'Move your ass, Dennis. Nice love handles, Dennis. Try switching your deodorant, Dennis.'" Lynette: "All right, enough. If you've got issues with your wife, tell her." Dennis: "We're in counseling." Lynette: "Yeah, well it's not working too well if you have to unload on a perfect stranger, is it? If you're unhappy in your marriage, do something, instead of just complaining, 'cause frankly, I don't want to hear it!" Alisa: "Hey! Let's trade partners." Lynette: "Great." (Tom hands Lynette a bottle of water.) Lynette: "Thanks." (to Alisa) "I'll play with you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan comes out the door and sees Bill filling her front tire again.) Susan: "Hey!" Bill: "Hey. You did not take this in. This should hold but you gotta take it in."
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Susan: "Thank you. I know, I'm going to. It's on the top of my list." Bill: "Whew! That was hard work." Susan: "Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to come in and talk to me?" Bill: "Sounds great." (In Susan's kitchen, she fills a glass of water from the tap.) Dennis: "So, it's tomorrow. I told you I'd check back in on that date." Susan: "Bill, um, I have my reasons." (Susan gets ice cubes from the freezer and hands the glass to Bill.) Bill: "Am I hideous?" Susan: "Oh, God, no. No! You are just so incredibly not hideous." Bill: "Thank you. I think." Susan: "See now. Maybe it's the word "date" that's throwing me off." Bill: "Look. I just want to have some fun. You know dinner, drinks. No strings attached." (Susan smiles. She looks at her refrigerator which has Mike's unopened letter clipped to it.) Susan: "Okay, I'll go out with you." Bill: "Great. I know this little place out of the way. You're gonna love it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos sits at the table, writing. Gabrielle walks up to him.) Gabrielle: "Whatcha doing?" Carlos: "Making an emergency list for you so you'll know who to call in case the roof leaks or the power goes out..." Gabrielle: "Why?" Carlos: "I'm taking the plea bargain. So you can keep the house. When I buried my mother, I did it with respect and I don't regret a single penny. But I'm the one that got us into the position that we're in, and the moment I did, I stopped respecting you." (Carlos hands Gabrielle the list.) Carlos: "And that's not right." Gabrielle: "You are so brave." Carlos: "It's not without strings. I need you to promise me that you're gonna be here when I get out." Gabrielle: "Well, that's a ridiculous thing to say. I'm not going anywhere." Carlos: "And I need you to promise me that you'll be faithful while I'm gone." Gabrielle: "Yeah. Of course." Carlos: "Gabrielle, I'm no fool. You're a beautiful woman and I understand that you have needs. But I'm a very jealous and possessive man, and I need to hear you say it." Gabrielle: "I promise." Carlos: "Okay then. Tomorrow morning, we'll so and see the lawyers." Gabrielle: "I love you." (Gabrielle gets up and sits on Carlos' lap.) Carlos: "I love you too." (They kiss, then hug.) Carlos: "And just so you know, I'm gonna hold you to that promise." (Gabrielle looks worried.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (While it's still dark outside, Andrew sleeps in his bed. Bree quietly shakes him and Rex turns on the light.
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Andrew wakes up and sees his mother and father standing over him.) Andrew: "What's going on? Did Grandma die?" Rex: "Uh, no, she's fine. Listen, Andrew..." (Bree sits on bed next to Andrew.) Bree: "Sweetheart, it's been clear to us for sometime now that you've been unhappy. All this acting out..." Rex: "The pot smoking, the violence." Bree: "It just isn't you. And we feel that you need to spend some quality time thinking about the goals in your life and what kind of person you want to be." Andrew: "What the hell are you talking about?" Bree: "There's this place called Camp Hennessey. It's designed for teenagers like yourself who have lost their way and..." Andrew: "You gotta be kidding me." Rex: "They, they emphasize discipline and responsibility. Two things you're sorely in need of." Bree: "Hopefully, you won't have to be there for more than a few weeks." Andrew: "You can stop this now. I'm, I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents." (Rex walks to the door and Andrew lies back down, turning his back to his mother.) Rex: "We're ready." Bree: "Sorry, honey, but you don't have a choice." (Two tall, muscular men walk into the room. Andrew looks at them and then at his mother. Andrew jumps out of bed and tries to run past everyone. The men grab him.) Rex: "Son!" Andrew: "Get your hands off of me!" Rex: "Andrew, Andrew, it's no use fighting. Now, these gentlemen are going to help you get dressed and then they're gonna drive you to the camp." Men: "We can take it from here." Andrew: "Wait, wait. Mom, mom, wait, please, I'm sorry, mom. Please." (Bree approaches Andrew.) Bree: "Honey, it's going to be okay, I promise." (Andrew spits in her face.) Andrew: "I know this was your idea." (Rex charges at Andrew, who's still being held by the two men.) Rex: "Why you little..." (Bree pulls Rex off.) Bree: "Stop it. Honey, no matter what you say or do, I will always love you." (Andrew pulls away from her.) Man: "Let's go, come on." (Bree and Rex turn to leave the room while Andrew stares after them.) (Later, in the dining room, Rex sits at the table, drinking coffee. Bree comes up behind him and hugs him.) Rex: "What's that for?" Bree: "For being here. For standing by me through this." (She sits down next to Rex.) Bree: "You don't know what it means to me, Rex. It's been a long time since I felt I had a real partner. And it really helps, especially on a horrible morning like this." (Rex reaches out and covers her hand with his. Bree puts her other hand over Rex's.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Barcliff Academy]
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(Lynette is fixing the twins backpacks in the hallway when Alisa approaches her.) Lynette: "Hey, Alisa, hey Lily, how are you guys?" Alisa: "May I speak to you, please?" Lynette: "Um, sure. Here,boys. Stay right there." Twin: "Yes, Mom." (Alisa signs to Lily to stay there as well and the two mothers go into an empty classroom.) Lynette: "So, how are you?" Alisa: "Dennis left me." Lynette: "What?" Alisa: "Dennis left me!" Lynette: "Why?" Alisa: "You told him to. You moron!" Lynette: "I'm sorry, What?" Alisa: "You talked to my husband about my marriage and it's none of your business!" Lynette: "I'm sorry but I can't understand you. You're gonna have to talk slower." (Alisa turns, frustrated, toward the door. She goes over and pulls Lily in. She signs something to her daughter then begins signing to Lynette.) Lily (translating): "Dennis said you yelled at him for saying stuff behind my back." Lynette: "Well, yeah!" Lily (translating): "And he said you told him our counseling wasn't working." Lynette: "Yes, that's not exactly what I..." Lily (translating): "Where the hell do you come off telling people to stop going to counseling?" Lynette: "I didn't mean that you..." Lily (translating): "Sure, we have our share of problems. Financial, emotional, sexual..." (Lynette turns to Lily briefly as she translates.) Lily (translating): "...but we were solving them." Lynette: "Alisa, come here." (She pulls Alisa aside.) Lynette: "Are you sure you want to be saying these things in front of your daughter?" (As she talks, Lynette holds up her purse so Lily can't see what she is saying.) Alisa: "Now, you're telling me how to raise my daughter?" Lynette: "Lily, we're coming back." (Lynette walks back over to Lily and Alisa follows.) Lynette: "Alisa, I am so sorry if I caused a problem. I just wanted to help." Alisa: "Why? Why did you want to help?" Lynette: "Well, because..." Alisa: "Because I am deaf?" Lynette: "No, because your husband was being a total jerk!" (Alisa begins signing.) Lily (translating): "You just gotta come in on your white horse and come to the rescue. Well, guess what? I didn't need to be rescued, got that? I didn't need to be rescued!" (Alisa and Lily walk to the door. Alisa turns back to Lynette.) Alisa: "Bitch!" Lily: "Ah, she said..." Lynette: "Yes, thank you. I know what she just said." (Alisa grabs Lily's arm and storms out.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Susan and Bill sit at a table in a restaurant.) Susan: "I mean, one minute we're making out in his truck and the next thing I know, we're at the hospital and the doctor's digging a bullet out of him. It's just that when I started dating Mike, he seemed like such a normal guy, you know?" Bill: "They always do. You wanna get some nachos?" Susan: "I mean obviously I am not going to read the letter. At some point you just gotta let it go, right?" Bill "Right. You mind if we leave off the jalape s? I'm not so good with spicy things." Susan: "I don't mean to be babbling. It's just really complicated and there is so much about Mike you don't even know." Bill: "That would surprise me at this point." (Susan looks up and sees Edie storming over to their table.) Bill: "Edie." Edie: "Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik." Susan: "You tracked us down?" Edie: "Oh, well, it wasn't hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan." Susan: "No, we didn't. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it." Edie: "I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship." Bill: "Am I in the middle of something here?" Edie: "Not any more. You" (to Susan) "I will hate forever. And you" (to Bill) "are fired." Susan: "Edie!" Bill: "You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?" Edie: "Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it." (She walks away. Bill and Susan look exasperated.) (Later, on a dark road, Susan drives Bill home.) Bill: "I suppose I could tell her you threw yourself at me. You were lonely, you begged to have dinner and I took pity on you." Susan: "Well, excuse me, but that, that kinda makes it sound like it was my fault. You can't possibly blame me. I'm not the one who fired you." Bill: "Right. You just chose not to tell me that Edie would be insanely mad if I went out with you. Slow down. You're driving too fast!" Susan: "You know, this is between you and Edie. I just got sucked into the drama." Bill: "Yeah. I bet you tell yourself that all the time." Susan: "What does that mean?" Bill: "You didn't get sucked into the drama. You invited it in." Susan: "That's not true!" Bill: "You spent the last hour obsessing over your ex-boyfriend. Even though he's a sketchy ex-con who very possibly strangled your neighbor." Susan: "Well, no, he didn't." Bill: "And Edie told you not to go out with me, but did you listen? No, because you saw the potential for disaster and you just couldn't resist getting in there." Susan: "Okay, Mr. let's-just-have-fun-cause-I'm-the-charming-casual-contractor-man. You chased me, so own it, my friend!" (There's suddenly a loud bang and the front tire on Susan's car goes flat. Susan is unable to control the car, and it runs off the road.)
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(Later, Susan and Bill sit by the side of the road, the crashed car behind them.) Bill: "You didn't get that tire fixed, did you?" Susan: "I was meaning to. I guess I do invite the drama in. Just a little." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette and Tom lie in bed, watching TV.) Lynette: "Tom, am I a bad person?" (Tom uses the remote to turn off the TV.) Tom: "No, why would you say that?" Lynette: "I don't know. I guess I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped." Tom: "Well, I did try to warn you." Lynette: "You did. Why do I do it? This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn't belong. I mean..." Tom: "You were just looking out for your friend." Lynette: "Yeah, a lot of good it did her." Tom: "At least you tried. I admire you for that." Lynette: "Oh, please." Tom: "Hey, I'm the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife because I was afraid of making a scene. But you, you knew it was wrong and you let him have it." Lynette: "That's me. Never afraid to create a scene." Tom: "My point is you have a strong sense of what is right and you are not afraid to act on it and I admire you for that." Lynette: "You know what I admire you for? You find a way to compliment me when you could say 'I told you so.'" (Lynette leans over and kisses Tom. He signs something to her.) Lynette: "You just signed 'I told you so', didn't you?" Tom: "You'll never prove it." (Tom turns off the light.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sacred Heart Hospital] (Mr. Steinberg, the man who eavesdropped on Gabrielle and Nurse Heissel's conversation earlier, leads Gabrielle into his office.) Mr. Steinberg: "Thanks for coming in Mrs. Solis. I believe you've met Nurse Heissel?" (Gabrielle sees Nurse Heissel sitting in the corner.) Gabrielle: "Yes, hello, again." Mr. Steinberg: "Nurse Heissel became quite attached to your mother-in-law. That's why I asked her to be here for this. First of all, I want you to understand that we consider our commitment to our patients a sacred trust." (Nurse Heissel lets out a sob. Gabrielle turns to look at her.) Gabrielle: "Okay." Mr. Steinberg: "Having said that, it appears there may, and I stress may, have been a breakdown in our chain of care." (Nurse Heissel sobs again. Again, Gabrielle turns to look at her.) Mr. Steinberg: "I can assure you that we hold our staff to the highest standards in the industry. But we are only human, after all." (Nurse Heissel lets out a long whimper. Gabrielle turns and touches Nurse Heissel.) Gabrielle: "Honey, are you okay?"
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(Nurse Heissel continues to whimper as she shakes her head.) Mr. Steinberg: "Nurse Heissel, why don't you step out?" (Nurse Heissel gets up crying.) Nurse Heissel: "I'm so sorry." Gabrielle: "Uh huh." (Nurse Heissel leaves the room.) Mr. Steinberg: "We all share in your grief." Gabrielle: "Apparently." Mr. Steinberg: "And we're hoping to alleviate any further pain your family may suffer by offering some monetary compensation." (Mr. Steinberg puts a letter in front of Gabrielle. She picks it up to read.) Mr. Steinberg: "Provided you and your husband waive any future right to litigation, of course." Gabrielle: "Monetary compensation? You're trying to buy us off?" Mr. Steinberg: "Let's not get tangled up in legalese. We like to think of it as an extension of our caring." Gabrielle: "Well, in that case, care away." (Gabrielle hands the document back, smiling.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle sits in her car in the driveway, talking on the phone.) Gabrielle: "Mr. Hartley, I have a hypothetical question for you. I like to play the lottery and I - yes, I know what the odds are, but I just love those scratch-offs. Say I were to win, I don't know, a million six hundred thousand dollars. Would the government be able to take it? Like they took everything else?" (There's a pause as Gabrielle listens to the answer, then she gets out of the car.)
Gabrielle: "That's what I thought. The bastards. So, what if we won the lottery after Carlos went to jail? Could the government touch the money then? Hypothetically. I see. And we could keep the house." (Gabrielle walks toward the front door. She sees Carlos vacuuming just inside the front door. He smiles and waves at her. Gabrielle smiles and waves back.) Gabrielle (on the phone): "Oh no, I'm just at the grocery store wondering if I should buy a ticket. Thanks a bunch, Mr. Hartley. So what time should I bring Carlos to the DA's office tomorrow? Great." (Gabrielle, smiling, hangs up the cell phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree walks into the dining room, where Danielle and Rex are seated. She puts down a bowl of food and leans over to kiss Rex.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their daring..." (Danielle turns and looks at her brother's empty chair.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle and Carlos sit on their couch. Carlos reads the paper and Gabrielle reads a magazine. They are holding hands.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes for their bravery..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette feeds the baby in the kitchen. Tom is in the background, watching her.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes for their goodness..." (Tom goes over to Lynette and leans down.) Tom (to the baby): "I love you." (Lynette turns to him and signs "I love you.") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] (Susan walks towards Mike's house with his sealed letter in her hands. Susan slides the letter under Mike's door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued." (Inside his house, Mike picks up the unopened letter and watches Susan walk away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves." (Susan continues walking back home.) ~ The End ~
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X18: CHILDREN WILL LISTEN -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives [INT:Hospital -Corridor -Night] (Mama Solis wakes up and walks through the hospital corridor.) Mama Solis: Is anybody here? (Mama Solis falls down the stairs, whilst a nurse smokes around the corner.) [INT:Hospital-Office -Day] Doctor: It appears there may have been a break down in our chain of care. (The doctor pushes a piece of paper across the desk to Gabrielle, it contains details of a settlement.) Gabrielle: Are you trying to buy us off? Mary Alice Voiceover: Sometimes if you're not careful? [INT:Van Der Camp House -Andrew's Room -Night] Bree: There's this place called Camp Hennessy. Andrew: I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents. (Two large men take Andrew away.) Bree: You don't have a choice. Mary Alice Voiceover: Past mistakes... [EXT: Lake -Night] (Paul throws the wrapped up chest into the lake.) [INT Police Station -Day] (Policeman shows pictures of the chest to a carpenter.) Policeman: We pulled it out of Rockwater Lake. Carpenter: I must have sold several hundred of these, just like it. We have a list of customers' names on file. [EXT: Lake-Night] Mary Alice Voiceover:...will come back to haunt you.
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[EXT:Young House-Night] (Paul and Zach are arguing.) Zach: I won't tell anyone.I'll keep your secret, dad? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis House -Garden -Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain(Gabrielle comes outside, runs her fingers through her hair & smoothes her dress.) Mary Alice Voiceover: She knew red was her colour. She knew diamonds went with everything. (Gabrielle collects the mail, next door neighbour is playing catch with his son, but stops to look at her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-And she knew men were all the same(Gabrielle stops the baseball with her shoe, and gives the ball back to the boy.) Mary Alice Voiceover: But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else - she would never want children... (Gabrielle watches Carlos smiling at the father and son playing together.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband Carlos felt differently. [INT:Solis House -Gabrielle and Carlos-Bedroom-Night] (Gabrielle and Carlos are in bed, Gabrielle is putting on hand cream and Carlos is reading.) Gabrielle: I'm so lucky to have you, Carlos: **huh** OK, I'll bite. (He puts book down) Carlos: Why are you so lucky? Gabrielle: Because I don't want to have kids and you do. Carlos: That. Gabrielle: Most men would leave over something like that, and you're still here. I'm grateful. I know the sacrifice you're making. Carlos: There's still a little part of me that's hoping to change your mind. Once you had a baby I think that you would love it so much. Gabrielle: Honey. It's not going to happen. Carlos: You never know. Gabrielle: No, sometimes you do. Carlos: Well, it is a sacrifice. But you're worth it. (Gabrielle leans over and kisses him.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother. [split screen: multiple shots of Gabrielle and Carlos having sex and Carlos' prior tampering with Gabrielle's birth control, changing the pills.] Mary Alice Voiceover: But what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father or that he had been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that in one week's time she would be pregnant. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT. Wisteria Lane-multiple shows of children playing- Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belong to the children. And whilst most would spend the day practicing their sports and riding their bikes and jumping their ropes, others were no longer engaged in child's play. Indeed some children were being forced to grow up very quickly. [EXT. Young House -Garden-Day] ( Zach is raking leaves and Paul is talking to policemen.)
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Policeman #1: Sorry to bother you on the weekend, we just have a few questions for you. Paul: About what? Policeman #2: Twelve years ago, your late wife purchased a toy chest. Paul: Toy chest? Policeman #1: Yeah, it was about this big, had dancing bears on it. Paul: Gosh, sorry. Policeman #2: The craftsman who makes these chests keeps a list of customers. Apparently you purchased one in August 1992. Policeman #1: Yeah, we'd like to know where that chest is now. Paul: Wow. I, um, wish I could help you but I don't recall any toy chest. Zach: I remember. Yeah, it had little bears and balloons on it, right? Policeman #1: Yes son, that's right. Zach: Yeah, we threw that chest away when I was little. I was standing on it and it just busted. Remember, dad? Paul: Vaguely. Policeman #1: I guess that's all then. Thank you both for your time (The policemen turn, about to walk away.) Zach: Hey what's the deal with this chest anyway? Policeman #1: One just like you had washed up on Torch Lake. Had a woman in it Zach: Woman? (The policemen leave.) Policeman #1: She was all chopped up. Paul: Obviously we need to talk. (Shot of Mrs Tilman holding shears and looking suspiciously at the two Young men.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Young House -Living Room -Day] Zach: You lied to me. You said that it was a man in the box. Paul: No I didn't lie. Zach: Well, the policeman said it was a woman's body, of course you were lying. Paul: I told you that a private detective came to take you away from us; I never said it was a man. Zach: You didn't? Paul: No. Zach: Well, I thought that I... Paul: No. Zach: Stop, Please dad stop. Look, I know that you're lying to me. OK, I know that you're lying. Paul: For the last time. Someone came and tried to take you away from us. Zach: Yes, a woman, a woman came. Paul: Yes, she tried to steal you. From the only family you'd ever known and we couldn't let that happen and we didn't and that is the truth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Van Der Camp House -Living Room -Day] (Bree is packing a care package for Andrew.) Rex: We can't cancel now it's two days away. Bree: Rex, I'm not going and that's all there is to it. Rex: Counselling is part of the treatment at Camp Hennessy, you knew that. Bree: Nowhere in their brochure did it say that we were expected to attend.
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Rex: What's Andrew going to think if you don't show up? Bree: Well, I'm making him this care package. I mean he'll know I'm thinking about him. (Bree picks up a box of home made cakes.) Rex: Why are you putting in lemon squares? They told us not to send them sweets. Bree: Well, I don't understand why. Rex: I guess they feel baked goods from mom undermine the boot camp experience. Bree: Fine, I won't send them but I think it's a stupid rule. (Bree puts down the box.) Rex: So, are you going to this thing or not? Bree: No. Rex: Why? Bree: Because the minute I get there, Andrew will start attacking me for abandoning him and I don't want to hear it. Rex: There's no reason to feel guilty you know. You did everything you could for him. Bree: I don't feel guilty. Rex: OK. (Rex walks away, and Bree picks up the box of sweets, puts them in the package and seals it up.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] (Lynette is on the telephone, attempting to get ready for a day-out,has curlers in her hair and the boys are running wild.) Lynette (on telephone): Please Christy, there is no way that I can get another babysitter this late in the day. (Parker is ripping the petals off flowers) Lynette (to Parker): Parker, knock it off. Parker: No. Lynette: Because I'm having drinks with friends I used to work with and they never call and if I blow them off that's it. I'm dead to them. No, I can't call Patty Binks, because she steals things. Dammit, Christy, you're thirteen years old, you've got a lot of trips to the mall ahead of you. Ok, ok, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I raised my voice, I'm calm. I'm starting to think this is about money so what is it that'll make it worth your while? A hundred? That's extortion, there's no way in hell that I'm gonna. Hello, hello? Lynette (to Parker): Parker, I swear I will spank you, knock it off. Lynette (on telephone): Hi, Mrs Binks, is Patty there? Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House-Living Room -Day] (Gabrielle is returning from a shopping trip to find her husband and a lawyer in the living room) Gabrielle: Hi honey, I'm back. Carlos: Hey sweetie. This is Mr Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital. Gabrielle: Oh, have we met? Mr Steinberg: Yes, Mrs Solis, we've met. Carlos: Don't you remember, it was after Mama died. Apparently the hospital was negligent and agreed to a seven figure settlement cheque. A cheque I was never told about. Gabrielle: Oh that. Mr Steinberg?. Mr Steinberg: I was just leaving. (Gabrielle and Carlos wait until Mr Steinberg closes the door before they start arguing.) Carlos: What were you thinking? Gabrielle: Wait, just let me explain.
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Carlos: No, why the hell didn't you tell me? Gabrielle: Because I couldn't trust you to make the right decision. Carlos: No, the right decision was to use that money for my lawyers. We could have fought the indictment and then I wouldn't have had to take the plea bargain. Gabrielle: If you didn't take the plea deal the government would have seized the settlement. Carlos: Oh, we could have fought that in court. Gabrielle: Exactly and then you would have blown all the money on the lawyers. Carlos: Who cares! If there was a chance I didn't have to go to jail? Gabrielle: You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for 2 cents an hour. Don't you think you deserve a time out? Carlos: Eight months! Thanks to you I'm going away for eight months. Gabrielle: And when you get out we're going to have money to start over with. Thanks to me. (She retrieves her shopping from the chair.) Gabrielle: You know once you calm down, you're going to realise I did the right thing and when that happens, I'd appreciate an apology. (Walks away leaving Carlos dumbfounded.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT: Mayer House -Kitchen- Day] (Susan is painting at the kitchen table, and Julie goes to the sink to make a drink,sees a fender bender outside the window.) Julie: Grandma's here. (Susan joins her daughter at the window.) Susan: Now that is just perfect. Stay put. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] Sophie: (To Mike) I am so sorry. Susan: Hey mom. (Mike looks at Sophie in shock as he realises who she is) Sophie: Oh hey Susie. Oops, I goofed. Susan: What happened? Sophie: You know me, no depth perception whatsoever. The state shouldn't have issued me a license. Mike: So you're Susan's mom? Sophie: Yeah. I'm Sophie Bremner. And you areMike: Mike Delfino. Sophie: Oh, you're Mike? Oh my god. Susan's told me so much about you. Well, don't just stand there, give me a hug! (Mike looks awkwardly at Susan as her mother hugs him.) Susan: Mom, Mike and I aren't together anymore. Sophie: Oh, sorry. I guess I just made this pretty awkward, huh. Susan: Yeah, you really did. So let's go call the insurance company. Sophie: Well, it's nice meeting you anyway, Mike. Mike: You too. And I never would've guessed you were Susan's Mom. Sophie: I know I look too young. I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager. Susan: (embarrassed) Okay. Sophie: It was the first time I got drunk. Ever! Can you believe it? Susan: Let's go.
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Sophie: Her father was a marine you know. Afterward he gave me three of his medals. Susan: Mom! Sophie: What? Susan: Let's go inside and call the insurance company. Sophie: Oh, right. (Sophie walks into the house, Susan starts to follow but turns back to Mike) Susan (to Mike): What are you smiling about? Mike: I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They're all just answered. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside the Van Der Camp House-Day] (Bree is fetching the post. Lynette is all dressed up, with the children in tow- searching desperately for someone to babysit) Lynette: Hi. (laughs) Hi. (Bree tries to sneak back into the house without being caught.) Bree: Hi. What's going on? Lynette: Oh, um, my babysitter cancelled Bree: Oh Lynette, I'm so swamped today. My house is a mess and I've got millions of errands to run. Lynette: Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to rejoin the human race for a few hours, there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas.Look I'm in a dress, I have make up on. Bree: If it were any other day. (Lynette is desperate by this point.) Lynette: Oh for God's sake Bree, I'm wearing panty-hose. Bree: Bring them in. Lynette: Thank you, thank you. Alright in you go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] (Susan and her mom are cooking.) Susan: And then the police showed me his mug shots. Sophie: No! Susan: Yes! Mike served time for selling drugs and manslaughter Sophie: I can't believe it. Susan: Well, it's true. Sophie: And he had such nice manners, you know. Susan: I know. Sophie: Susie, I don't want you worrying too much about this Mike thing. The right man will come along. Just give it time. Susan: I think I would have given up entirely if it weren't for you and Morty. Sophie: Morty? Susan: Yeah, you know, it's the third time around for both of you, and you're really clicking. It gives me hope. (Susan's eyes are watering from the onion she's chopping.) Susan: What's wrong? Sophie: Nothing, nothing. Um, I'm just tired. Susan: You're not tired. You took a nap. What is it? Sophie: I left Morty. Susan: What? Why? Sophie: Because he shoved me.
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Susan: Morty? No!! Sophie: You think I'm lying? Huh! Fine! Susan: Why would he shove you? Sophie: Because I confronted him. About how much time he's spending at the damned pancake restaurant. If that's where he's really been. Susan: Oh, you can't be serious? Morty? Sophie: You think that men his age don't have needs? You should see the waitresses he hires. Every year they get younger and younger. Susan: Alright, maybe you just feel that way because every year you get older and older. Sophie: Well, that's a horrible thing to say. Susan: I'm sorry. Sophie: I'm not that old. Susan: I said I was sorry. Sophie: People think we're sisters. Susan: Well, that's because you tell people that. Sophie: One time! You've got to let go of that. Susan: Okay, look; I'm just saying I don't think Morty cheated on you. Sophie: Well, he did shove me. The least you can do is be supportive. Susan: Alright, alright. Sophie: He also threw a book at me. Susan: Oh, come on! Sophie: Huh! Susan: I mean-He shouldn't have done that. Sophie: Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Van Der Camp House ?Dining Room- Day] (The baby (Penny) is in her pram, while two of the boys are scribbling over colouring books, while Porter is in the kitchen reaching for the fresh cookies.) Bree: Porter, honey, those cookies are hot. Just wait a few minutes and I'll give you one when they're cool, okay. (Bree turns back to the boys colouring in.) Bree: You know pictures are prettier if you colour inside the lines. (The boys pause then go back to their scribbling.) Bree: Well, art is subjective. (turns back to the kitchen.) Bree: Porter, what did I tell you? Porter: But I'm hungry. Bree: Well, then I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese. Porter: Ew, Barf! Bree: Don't be common, young man. Now come on, if you play around with those cookies one more time I'll have to spank you. (Porter returns to the table.) Parker: We don't get spanked. Bree: (unbelieving) Really?! Porter: Mommy always says she's going to but she never does. Bree: Well, I'm not your mommy and if you mess around in my house you will get spanked. Now be good.
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(Bree goes to check on the baby. Porter sneeks up to steal a cookie, the tray falls.) (Bree takes a deep breath when she sees the cookies on the floor.) Porter: It was an accident. Bree: Porter, I warned you. Porter: I'm sorry. I'll be good. Bree: Those cookies were made from scratch. Your fate is sealed. Come here. (Reaches for him, and pulls him with her to the table. She sits down and places him over her knee and spanks him.) Porter: No, no. Ow ow, ow ow. (The boys watch open mouthed as their brother gets spanked.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House -Living Room -Day] (Gabrielle is filing her nails, Carlos places a piece of paper on the coffee table.) Gabrielle: What's that? Carlos: It's called a post nuptial agreement. It's a legal document thatGabrielle: No, I know what a post-nup is, what is it doing on my coffee table? Carlos: Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement cheque. If I'm sure that you'll really be around when I get out of jail. Gabrielle: Hmm, so the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup so thatCarlos: So if you try to divorce me while I'm gone, you'll get nothing. Gabrielle: You don't trust me? Carlos: I'm afraid not. Gabrielle: Well, that's too bad. Cos I'm not signing that piece of paper. (Carlos puts a pen on top of the paper and stands beside the sofa she's sat on.) Carlos: You're a very beautiful woman. Gabrielle. But, you're not very bright. If you don't sign it, I'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you. And then you get 50% of our current savings, which is basically nothing. Gabrielle: So what do you expect to happen right now, Carlos? I sign the papers and jump into your arms. Carlos: This doesn't mean I don't love you. You know I think you're the perfect woman. Gabrielle: Oh, but I'm not. I have flaws. Carlos: Flaws? Gabrielle: Uh huh. I'll even give you an example. Remember the time you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment and you told me to burn the papers that I found in there. Well, me being pretty and therefore stupid, I forgot. Carlos: You didn't burn the papers? Gabrielle: Worse. I read them. (Gabrielle gets up and confronts Carlos) Carlos: Okay, okay. Gabrielle: You have some nerve talking about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands. Carlos: That was a safety net for both of us. Gabrielle: I'll bet. Carlos: Have you told anyone else about this? Gabrielle: No, but I could. Hey, isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you? They couldn't find the profits you made. So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words divorce, trust or post- nup ever again. You don't wanna piss me off.
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(Carlos is angry and throws a vase at the wall, where it smashes.) Gabrielle: I know baby, it hurts to lose. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen-Day] (Lynette, Susan, Sophie, Bree and Gabrielle are sitting down for an afternoon of poker.) Susan: Ante up. Sophie: Well, look at me, finally in on one of your legendary poker parties. Susan's always telling me how much fun you girls have. Susan: The rules are simple. We play for cash. The dealer picks the game and unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged. Sophie: Ahhh. Lynette: Bree, thanks again for watching my boys. You sure they weren't too much to handle? Bree: Oh no, we had a wonderful time. Although I think Porter had a little less fun. Okay, I'll bet. Gabrielle: So Sophie, Susan said you're going to the spa tomorrow. Is that an all day thing? Lynette: What do you mean Porter had less fun? I'll raise. Bree: Well, Porter was misbehaving so I had to punish him. Sophie: So yes, Susan is treating me to an entire day of beauLynette: Now when you say punishment, what exactly are you talking about? Bree: Oh, I had to spank him. Alright I will re-raise. Lynette: You spanked my son?! (The table falls silent.) Sophie: Las prises spa. Yep, that's where we're going. Bree: Lynnette, is there a problem? Lynette: Tom and I don't believe in hitting our kids, I thought you knew that. Bree: Sorry, I didn't know. It won't happen again. Of course, I'm a somewhat surprised you don't hit them, I mean everyone knows they're a little bit out of control. Susan: Wow, I'm just dragging today, shall we put on another pot of coffee? Gabrielle: Yeah, I'll do it. (Gabrielle gets up and puts on the coffee) Sophie: (quietly) I, I'll fold. Lynette: Yeah, you're right, Bree, I've got a lot to learn about parenting. And I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you. I mean your kids turned out perfect, as long as you don't count Andrew. Where is he again, hum? Some kind of, uh, boot camp for juvenile delinquents. Susan: (attempting to keep the peace) Okay girls. Bree: I never said I was perfect. Gabrielle: Oh honey, nobody's blaming you. Lynette: The hell I'm not. Susan: Lynette! Bree: If you will excuse me. (Bree gets up from the table and leaves.) Gabrielle: Lynnette, will you go after her? Lynette: She spanked my son. I'm not apologising. Susan: (confidingly to her mother) Usually poker is more fun than this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House -Bedroom-Night] (Lynette and Tom are getting ready for bed. Lynette is still fuming from the poker game.)
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Lynette: So help me, if you don't back me up on this I will lose it. Tom: Yes, Bree shouldn't have spanked Porter but, its not like she hurt him. (Lynette hangs clothes up in their wardrobe.) Lynette: That is not the point, you don't spank other people's children. Tom: He was misbehaving, she had to do something. B-but make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line. Lynette: Yeah, you're damned right she did. She could've tried something else, like a time out or she could have simply threatened to spank him. Tom: Yeah, 'cos that works out so well when we do it. Lynette: It does work. It does work most of the time. Tom: It used to work. They've figured out that it's an empty threat, they-they're on to us. Lynette: My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me. And I won't do it. I will not become my mother. (They sit on the bed.) Tom: Fine. But the boys are getting older and smarter. And eventually, believe me, eventually they're gonna figure out that they outnumber us and thenLynette: -We're screwed. Tom: Exactly. (Lynette falls back onto the bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mrs Huber's House -Night] (Mrs Tilman is returning from grocery shopping, Zach is sitting outside his house playing the guitar.) Mrs Tilman: Excuse me, Zachery, would you mind helping me with these bags? There's some banana bread in it for you if you do. Zach: Uh, yeah, sure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------INT: Mrs Huber's House -Kitchen-Night] (Zach tucks in to the promised banana cake.) Zach: This is really good, Mrs Tilman. Thanks a lot. Mrs Tilman: You're welcome, Zachery. Zach: You know I've never actually been in Mrs Huber's house before. Mrs Tilman: Obviously you haven't missed much. This is the place where good taste goes to die. So, I heard you and your father arguing the other day. Is everything alright at home? Zach: Yeah, we just have problems sometimes. Mrs Tilman: I bet you miss your mother. I'm sure things were different when she was alive, such a warm and loving woman. Zach: You knew my mother? Mrs Tilman: Yup, years ago in Utah. We worked together Zach: I didn't know that. Mrs Tilman: It's true. In fact, I'll tell you a secret. I once met you when you were a little baby. Zach: (worried) Really? Mrs Tilman: Your mother loved you so much, Zachary. Of all the things I remember, I remember that the most. (Zach cries.) Mrs Tilman: You want to know what else I remember? How lovely your original name was! (Offers Zach a tissue) (Zach looks up.)
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Zach: Dana? (Mrs Tilman nods) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Spa-Day] (Sophie and Susan are being pampered and getting leg massages.) Sophie: Isn't this nice? Just the two of us girls being out. Getting pretty. Oh, thank you. Susan: My pleasure. So I was thinking maybe you should call Morty- You know, get a start working things out. Sophie: Why would I want to work things out with a man who abuses me? (The masseuse gasps.) Susan: Oh oh oh. You don't have to gasp, my mother exaggerates. Sophie: She won't be happy until I have bruises. Susan: Okay, can we focus? What I want to know is have you thought about what's going to happy if you don't go back to Morty? Sophie: Um, what do you mean? Susan: Well, you don't have a place to live. You don't like to work. I mean, you didn't want to marry Morty, so he doesn't have to pay you alimony. I- I- it's just if you don't go back to this man who allegedly shoved you once in five years, what are your options? Sophie: I thought I could live with you. Susan: What? (Susan is shocked and kicks the masseuse.) Masseuse: Oooowwwww! Susan: Are you alright? Masseuse: You kicked me. (Susan grabs a towel and puts it to the masseuse's bleeding nose.) Susan: Oh, I'm so sorry. Here lean your head back. Sophie: I'm not saying permanently, just for a couple of years. Masseuse: You broke my nose. Susan: No, no it's just banged a little. Sophie: Until I get back on my feet. Susan: Mom, can we talk about this later? Masseuse #2: Should we call 911? Susan: No, it's just a nose bleed, she's fine. Sophie: I thought you'd be excited by the idea. Susan: It's not that I'm not excited? Sophie: I'm not stupid, Susan, it,s obvious you don't want me here. Susan: That's not true. (Sophie walks off awkwardly, careful not to ruin her wet pedicure.) Susan: Mom, don't go. Mom, come back. (to masseuse) I need to. We're good, right? Masseuse: Just go(Masseuse cries.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Day] (Gabrielle is out jogging, listening to music. She stops as she sees John jogging (shirtless-yum!!) on the other side of the street. He stops and goes to cross the road to her. Gabrielle holds up her hand to stop him. He steps back on to the pavement. Gabrielle puts her earphones back in and starts jogging in the opposite direction, leaving John alone.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Van Der Camp House -Bedroom -Day] (Bree is sitting in her nightgown staring at clothes laid out on the bed.) Rex: Why aren't you dressed yet? Bree: I wanted to wear Andrew's favourite colour. Then I realised that I don't know what it is. Rex: Oh, honey. I think the fact you decided to come at all will make him happy. Bree: Yours is blue. Danielle loves pink. And I have no idea what my own son's favourite colour is. Rex: I'm telling you it doesn't matter. Bree: How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters. Rex: Bree. Bree: That is what makes a good mother. Someone who knows their child inside and out, so that if they get into trouble they'll know what to do. (sighs) I don't know him well enough. (Rex touches Bree's face, turning her to look at him.) Rex: You are a good mother. Bree: (takes a deep breath) Brown or green? Rex: I'm going to wait in the car. Whenever you're ready. Bree: Green. I'll go with green, everybody loves green. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House -Dining Room-Day] (Gabrielle is reading a magazine. Carlos enters and puts the post-nup on top of the page she is reading.) Gabrielle: I told you I'm not signing this. Carlos: Oh, I think you are. Because if you don't I will divorce you. Gabrielle: Then I'll go to the police. Carlos: And tell them what? That there's a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands that no longer exists. Gabrielle: Huh, you moved the money? (Carlos moves towards Gabrielle menacingly.) Carlos: Of course I moved the money. (Gabrielle backs away from Carlos.) Gabrielle: Well, that was risky, I mean the feds are watching you right now. Carlos: I had to do something I couldn't just let you make a fool of me. (Gabrielle turns and runs out of the room. Carlos catches her in the hallway, carrying her back to the table.) Gabrielle: Oh, no. Stop, Carlos, stop it. Put me down. Put me down. Let me go. Argh! Stop, you're hurting me. Carlos! Carlos: Sign it. SIGN IT! (Carlos forces Gabrielle to sign the paper. Gabrielle cries over her hurt wrist.) Carlos: I know baby, it hurts to lose. (Gabrielle's face hardens, grabs her bag and storms out of the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Camp Hennessey -Day] (People are walking around the camp with bags, setting down stones. The Van Der Camps are seated at an outside tent having a drink. A girl passes the Van Der Camps wearing a presentable blue dress, with tattoos up her legs and arms.) Camp Counsellor: Mr and Mrs Van Der Camp. Bree: Yes, is it our turn? Camp Counsellor: Well, uh sort of, Andrew's waiting inside.
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Rex: What's wrong? Camp Counsellor: He said he won't go forward with the session if his mother's involved. He only wants to talk to his dad. Rex: We drove 200 miles to be here today. This is unacceptable. Camp Counsellor: I share your frustration. Rex: Alright, tell him that. We're going home. Bree: No. Rex: I'm not going to let him insult you like this. Bree: He blames me for his being here. He blames me for everything, and he's probably right. Rex: Any mistakes made were made by both of us. Bree: One of us should go talk to him, see how he is. Rex: Are you sure? Bree: Yeah. Camp Counsellor: Right this way. (Rex and the counsellor walk to the counselling room. Andrew opens the door and hugs his dad. He looks at his mom, who waves, and shuts the door. Bree looks down, upset.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House-Bathroom-Day] (The Scavo boys are crowded around the toilet, where a red toothbrush is floating) Parker: Mom, Mom! Lynette: Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. What is it? Why aren't you guys brushing your teeth? Parker, what happened? Parker: Porter pushed me and it fell in. Porter: He pushed me first. Preston: Can I flush it? Lynette: No, no. I'll fish it out later, alright.?(puts down the cover of the toilet) You're off the hook for tonight, but not you two so start brushing. Preston did you not hear me? I said start brushing your teeth. (Preston lifts the toilet seat and dangles his toothbrush over the toilet.) Lynette: What are you doing? Don't. You. Dare. Porter and Parker: Do it, do it, do it. Lynette: Preston, don't listen to them. Back away from the toilet and no one gets hurt. Porter and Parker: Do it, do it, do it. Lynette: I mean it this time, these are not just words. If you do this, so help me. Mary Alice Voiceover: Hearing the hollowness of her own voice, Lynette realised it was time to get one step ahead. Lynette: I will walk you over to Mrs Van Der Camp's and we all know what happens when she gets mad. (The boys are shocked into behaving and cleaning their teeth with vigour.) Lynette: Now go brush your teeth and I want them to sparkle. Go on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Camp Hennessey-Day] (Two other mothers at the camp are talking.) Mom #1: Sorry you had to bring you kid back. What happened this time? Tug's Mom: Well, a couple of months back I caught Tug going through my purse. Mom #1: Aw, I hate when they do that. Was he looking for weed or money? Tug's Mom: Who knows at this point? Anyway I knocked a couple back and things got heated, pretty soon
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we're both screaming and throwing things around the apartment and the next thing we know the lady upstairs calls the cops on us. Mom #1: Oh, give me a break. Tug's Mom: So now I got some social worker trying to tell me how to raise my boy. Mom #1: If I knew then what I know now, I would've had that hysterectomy 20 years ago. (Bree looks disgusted at the women's conversation and heads off to the counselling room.) Rex: Uh, Bree. Bree: Don't get up. I'll be quick. Andrew, all any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools to succeed in life. Education, love, a good, clean safe home. Well, I have given you those things and I'm through feeling guilty. So if you want to piss your life away and blame it on how horrible things are at home, then go ahead. But I want it stated for the record that I am a good mother. Do you hear me? I am a good mother. Rex: Bree, Andrew just told me that he thinks he might be gay. Bree: (shocked) What? Rex: That's why he wanted me to come in first. He thought I could take it better. Bree: Well, he was right. I'll be waiting in the car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:John's apartment -Day] (John answers the door, and is shocked to see Gabrielle.) John: Mrs Solis, what are you doing here? (Gabrielle kisses him.) John: Okay. (Gabrielle looks around) Gabrielle: Are your roommates here? John: No. Are you okay? Gabrielle: Yeah. (Gabrielle starts to unbutton her shirt.) John: (looking at the bruise on her wrist) What's this? Gabrielle: That? Uh, oh Carlos just got a little rough, made me sign some papers. John: Did he hurt you? (Gabrielle is silent. John gets his coat and is about to walk out to challenge Mr Solis.) Gabrielle: John, what are you doing? John: I'm going to take care of this. Gabrielle: No, you're not going to do anything. John: No, I'm not going to let him get away with this. Gabrielle: If you really want to get back at him, Kiss me. John: How's that going to help? Gabrielle: Because one day, when the time is right I'm gonna tell him how he drove me into your arms and that's going to kill him. (They kiss.) Gabrielle: Tonight just, whatever you do-don't call me beautiful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Morty's Pancake House -Day] (Susan enters from the parking lot. A waitress draws Morty's attention to Susan.) Millie (the waitress): Hey, Morty, look who's here. Susan: Hey, Millie, hi, Morty. Millie: Hey.
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Morty: Hey, Susie, what brings you here? Susan: Mom. I brought her over. (Sophie is pacing in the parking lot.) Morty: What's she doing out there? Susan: She said she won't come in until you go out and apologise to her. Morty: For what? Susan: For shoving her. Morty: I only shoved her 'cos she wouldn't, she wouldn't stop hitting me. Susan: Why was she hitting you? (Morty continues to sit the counter.) Morty: I th-, I threw a book at her. Susan: Morty! Morty: It was a paperback. Susan: Well, even so! Morty: At least I missed, she hit me straight in the guts. You want to see the bruise? (Morty goes to pull up his shirt.) Susan: That's okay, that's okay. Morty: It really hurt. Susan: Yeah, I understand. So could you, uh, just go out and apologise? (Susan sits down at the counter.) Morty: No. Susan: Why? Morty: 'Cos I don't want her back. Susan: Morty! Morty: Look, I love her. But the pancake shack is just starting to take off. We're talking about opening another one. That's practically a chain. I don't have time for her hysterics. Susan: Yeah, I sympathise, I really do. But you have to take her back. Morty: Why? Susan: Because she wants to move in with me. Morty: Oh. Susan: Morty, I'd like to have a relationship again. And at my age, with a kid, if she moves in to my house, even for a couple of years, I'm doomed. Morty: Wasn't there a plumber? Your mother said you were in love with a plumber. Susan: I am - I mean, I was. It didn't work out. Morty: Sorry. Susan: If she moves in she will burn up all my oxygen and I need it. Please can't you give her another chance? You guys are really good together, you know, when-when-when there's no violence. Morty: (admits) We do have chemistry. Susan: (willing to say anything to get rid of her mother) Absolutely. Morty: Well, the sex was like. Wow. I mean there was this one time when we were coming home on the interstate and weSusan: You don't have to sell me. Go, just go talk to her. Now. Morty: OK. (Morty goes outside to talk to Sophie.) Susan: **Sigh** Millie: That was a mighty big sigh.
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Susan: I just keep thinking it's coming, Millie, and I can't stop it. Millie: What's that? Susan: The day my mother will need to come and live with me and I won't have a choice. (Whilst Susan is talking, we see Sophie and Morty arguing outside.) Millie: Uh huh. Susan: I know it's years away. She's youthful and vibrant, thank god. But time flies and one day she won't be able to take care of herself and I'll have to step up. Millie: I suppose that's true. Susan: I think it's natures little joke, that children ultimately end up parenting their parents. (Sophie is biting Morty on the arm, he's in pain.) Millie: Honey, you'd better get out there. (Susan turns around and sees what her mother is doing, runs outside.) Susan: What are you doing?! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT: Wisteria Lane -Day] (Lynette and the Scavo children are playing outside.) Lynette: Hey. Look, I just wanted to apologise. Bree: Lynette, don't. The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me. And if anyone should apologise here, it's me. Lynette: Thank you. It looks like Tom's got the mob under control. Do you want to have some coffee? Sit around? Bitch about our kids? Bree: I would love to. (Bree and Lynette walk over to the Scavo house.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Children come into the world with their own agendas-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Scavo House -Porch -Day] Mary Alice Voiceover:Some to brighten our days(Tom laughs out loud when the baby gurgles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Scavo House -Kitchen -Day] (Lynette and Bree are having coffee in the kitchen, whilst the boys play in the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Some to test our patience(Lynette despairs as the boys knock over books while playing with lightsabers. Bree comforts Lynette who has her head in her hands) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Tilman House-Dining Room-Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: Some to give us purpose(Mrs Tilman watches as Zach hungrily looks through her photo albums with pictures of his mother.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House -Living Room -Night] Mary Alice Voiceover:Some to take care of us(Susan places a blanket over her mother who has fallen asleep on the couch.). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Van Der Kamp House -Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, when they come children change everything(Bree stops cleaning to look at a photo of Andrew, and puts her head in her hands).
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:John's apartment-Day] (Shots of Gabrielle and John having sex) Mary Alice Voiceover: Especially when they're not invited. ~ The End ~
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X19: LIVE ALONE AND LIKE IT -----------------------------------------------------------Recap Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on desperate housewives[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen -Day] Julie: Grandma's here. (Off Susan's oh no' look) [EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House-Day] (Off Sophie's oops look) Mary Alice Voiceover: In life[INT:Solis House - Living Room -Day] Carlos: It's called a post nuptial agreement. [INT:Solis House -Dining Room -Day] Gabrielle: I'm not signing this. (Struggle/ screams as Carlos forces Gabrielle to sign the post-nup.) Gabrielle: Stop, you're hurting me. [INT:John's Apartment-Entrance-Day] John: Mrs Solis, what are you doing here? Mary Alice Voiceover: You can't change what's already been done[INT: Delfino House-Living Room-Day] (Mike is looking at a photograph of him and Deirdre when they were younger.) [EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Delfino House -Day] (Police arrest Mike, cuffing him on his car.) Deirdre's Dad (Noah): People leave trails one of those trails will lead to Deirdre. I'm not taking my money to the grave, I'm going to use it to save your ass. [INT :Restaurant -Night] (Mike and Noah sit having coffee and have a meeting about Deirdre.) Mary Alice Voiceover:- Or who people really are. [EXT:Kamp Hennessey -Counselling Centre -Day] (Andrew closes the door as Bree hesitantly waves to him.) [INT:Kamp Hennessey-Counselling Centre-Day] Rex: Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay. (Shots of Andrew, Bree and Rex looking uncomfortable.) End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen -Day]
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(Lynette pulls the garbage out of the bin with a sigh, carries it through the house to the window.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Every morning as she went to take out the trash, Lynette Scavo would indulge in a little daydream. The details of which were always the same. [EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mrs McClusky's House-Day] (Lynette looks out the window towards the other side of the street, Mrs McClusky's house. Mrs McClusky is in her garden watering her plants with a hose. All of a sudden Mrs McClusky falls over, stiff as a board, spraying the water as she falls. Dead.) Mary Alice Voiceover: One day her nasty neighbour Karen McClusky would keel over and die. And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family, with two adorable twin daughters. (A moving truck pulls up outside Mrs McClusky's house. As it pulls off we see a perfect blond family: mom, dad and two little girls. All waving across the street to Lynette. The Scavo family and the Swedish family walk into the street where they all shake hands and become firm friends.) [INT:Church -Day] (Shots of a joined wedding, with the two proud moms gushing at each other.) Mary Alice Voiceover: The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons at an elaborate wedding-the Scavos would not have to pay for. [INT :Scavo House -Living Room-Day] (Off Lynette smiling at the happiness in her daydream) [EXT:Scavo House-Day] (Lynette has the look on her face that says 'Oh, not again'.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydream, but Mrs McClusky always had a way of pulling her back to reality.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House -Day] (Mrs McClusky is awkwardly carrying two dustbins across the street from the Scavo house. Lynette chases after her.) Lynette: Hey hey hey. HEY! Why are you stealing my garbage cans? Mrs McClusky: Garbage pickup was two days ago. These cans have been on the street ever since. I just assumed you didn't want 'em anymore. Lynette: Oh, that's cute. That's great. Here, Give them here. (Lynette put her rubbish in her bins, takes them off Mrs McClusky and walks back towards her house) Mrs McClusky: It's bad enough we have to stare at the godawful colour you painted the house, we shouldn't have to stare at your cans for days on end. Lynette: You want to talk about good neighbour etiquette, how about you hire a gardener to take care of that jungle you call a lawn. Mrs McClusky: I am on a fixed income. Lynette: Then why don't you think about moving somewhere less expensive? Like a nursing home? Mrs McClusky: Go to Hell. (Mrs McClusky waves her arm dismissively of Lynette. Walks away) Lynette: Run by Germans. Hmm? (Lynette turns around to put the bins down. When she turns back, she sees Mrs McClusky, bending over, slowly falling to the ground & taken ill.) Lynette: And you know-Mrs McClusky? (Runs across the street, worried about her neighbour.)
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Lynette: Mrs McClusky, are you alright? (Not knowing really what to do, she goes to open the door to let her inside,) Lynette: I'll get the door. (But by this point, Mrs McClusky is facing down on the floor and in obvious need of medical attention.) Mary Alice Voiceover: For a brief moment Lynette was presented with an interesting choice of options. (Lynette looks up from Mrs McClusky trying to decide what to do, and sees the perfect Swedish family waiting by the moving truck.) Mary Alice Voiceover: And even though she knew she'd hate herself in the morning, Lynette chose to do the right thing. (Lynette takes out her mobile phone and calls an ambulance.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Back of Ambulance -Day] (Mrs McClusky is strapped on to a gurney and placed into the back of the ambulance.) Mrs McClusky: Lynette, where are they taking me? Lynette: You're going to the hospital, Mrs McClusky. You're going to be fine. Mrs McClusky: Well, I don't want to go alone. Come with me. Lynette (trying to get out of going with her): Well, these are trained technicians and I've got a roast in the-freezer. Mrs McClusky: Please, I'm scared. Lynette: Yeah, I'll come with you. Here I am. (Climbs into the ambulance) Mrs McClusky: Thank you. (Reaches out to hold Lynette's hand) Mrs McClusky: If I die I don't want it to be with strangers. Lynette: You're not going to die. (Mrs McClusky drops Lynette's hand.) Mrs McClusky: How can you be so sure? Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course Lynette didn't respond. How could she tell her neighbour that some dreams are just too beautiful to come true? (The ambulance pulls off -as Lynette looks out the back window to the perfect Swedish family sadly waving good bye to her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :graveyard -Day] (Noah sitting on a bench in the cemetery. Holding a photograph of Deirdre and rubbing a rosary in silent prayer.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Life is a journey. One that is much better travelled with a companion by our side. But sometimes we lose our companions along the way and then the journey becomes unbearable. (Mike walks up to Noah.) Mike: Noah, I didn't know you were a religious man. What's with the rosary? Noah: They found Deirdre. Mike (shocked): What? Noah: Her body had been stuffed inside a toy chest. Can you believe that? A kids toy chest? She's been dismembered. (Noah is fighting not to cry. Mike sits down with him)
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Mike: My god. Noah: The cops ID'd her from her dental records. She's been dead 15 years. All that time I was looking for her and she was already gone. Mike: I'm so sorry. Noah: I have to bury my baby, (Noah stands up and looks around.) Noah: I came out here to figure out what kind of tombstone to get her. Mike: You shouldn't be doing this now. Let's get you home. Noah: There's a cop I want you to talk toMike: A cop? (Mike is unsure about what he's being asked to do.) Noah: His name is Sullivan. I paid him to take the heat off you for your neighbour's murder. He'll get you the file on Deirdre's case. Apparently they have some leads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Kamp Hennessey-Outside Counselling Centre -Day] Rex: I don't know. I think we may be making a huge mistake. Bree: We made our decision, let's just stick to it. Rex: I say we leave him here three more weeks. What's the worst that could happen? Bree: Our son has just told us that he might be gay. There are two hundred other boys in this Kamp. Now I could explain to you what might happen if we left him here, but I'm a lady and I don't use that kind of language. (Both sigh, and they stand up and start to walk.) Rex: Now I bet we're worrying ourselves sick about nothing, this is probably just a phase. Bree: Exactly. So we'll get him home, we'll get him into Christian counselling so it won't become a lifestyle. Rex: Well, whatever's going on with him, he's still our son and we love him. Bree (outraged): Why would you say that to me? Rex: Because it's obvious how freaked out you are by the whole gay thing. Bree: I may be freaked out. But that doesn't change how I feel about him. Rex: I'm just saying. Be cool. (Rex turns to look at the opening door.) Bree: I can be just as cool as you can. Rex: Alright. (Andrew walks out, looking unsure. Rex goes to shake his hand, but pulls him into a bear hug.) Rex: It'll be nice to have you back. Bree: Andrew, I would love you even if you were a murderer. (Hugs him for a long time whilst Rex and Andrew share looks of 'Is she serious' behind her back.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House- Day] (Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette are sitting outside gossiping, while Lynette jiggles the baby in her pram. One of the twins comes running up.) Porter: Mommy, the line's not moving. (Susan looks behind Porter to see a queue of children at the ice cream van. She sees her mother at the van's window flirting with the ice cream man.) Susan: Oh, for Pete's sake. (Susan gets up to go and stop her mother.) (Sophie and the ice cream man are laughing and flirting.)
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Susan: (tries to get her mother's attention) Mom. Mom. Sophie: What? Susan: The kids are waiting. Sophie: Oh, honey, Hector here teaches salsa dancing at the community centre. Hector (ice cream man): I give private lessons too. Sophie: Oh, I bet you do. (Susan pulls her mother away from the van.) Susan: Mom, would you please not flirt with the ice cream man. Sophie: Why not? Susan: Do you need a reason beyond the fact he's the ice cream man? Sophie: It's called moving on with your life. Susan: You just broke up with Morty two weeks ago. Don't you think you could at least pretend to mourn the relationship. Sophie: You are such a stick in the mud. We should be out there having fun. I know what we can do tonight. (gets really excited)We can go to some hip club and get some hot guys. Susan: Mom! Sophie: I'll say I'm 42 and you can be 28. (Susan looks at her incredulously, like she can't believe what she's hearing.) Sophie: What? Oh, you can pull it off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Scavo House-Doorway-Day] (Lynette opens the front door and is surprised to see her neighbour.) Lynette: Mrs McClusky, You're back from the hospital already? Mrs McClusky: It turns out I OD'd a little bit on my arthritis medication. One pill, I can open a jar, four pills. I'm face-down fighting for my life. You'll find out about that soon enough. Lynette: Huh, well, I'm glad to hear you're alright. Mrs McClusky: Here, it's my way of saying thank you for not letting me die out there on the lawn. Lynette: Oh, Mrs McClusky, you don't have to. Mrs McClusky: Keep it, it's genuine Tiffany. Been in my family for years. Lynette: I don't know what to say. It's stunning. Thank you. (Mrs McClusky reaches across the threshold to give Lynette a big hug. Lynette looks like she doesn't quite believe what's happening.) Lynette: I'd invite you in butMrs McClusky: Well, I wanted to tell you what my doctor said. It seems the arthritis is the least of my problems. See, I have this skin tag, or at least I thought it was a skin tag, but it turns out it might be more serious.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House -Bedroom -Night] (Carlos walks towards the bed. Gabrielle is reading a magazine and puts her foot on his chest to stop him coming any closer.) Gabrielle: What do you think you are doing? Carlos: Please, I can't sleep in the den anymore. I need to sleep in a bed. Gabrielle: Well, you might want to try a motel, because you're not coming back in here. (Gabrielle takes her foot down and goes back to the magazine.) Carlos: How many times have I got to say I'm sorry? Gabrielle: Obviously a few more. Carlos: I'm not proud of what I did. I admit I was way out of line.
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Gabrielle: If you want back in this bed you know what to do. Carlos: I'm not tearing up the post-nup. Gabrielle: Why not? Carlos: 'Cos it's the one way I can be sure you'll be here when I get out of jail. Gabrielle: Well, then have fun at the motel. (Gabrielle turns away from him to read the magazine.) Carlos: Fine. Tomorrow I'm cancelling your credit cards. Gabrielle: What? Carlos: And I'm taking away your ATM as well. Gabrielle: What am I supposed to do for money? Carlos: Maybe once you see how good you've got it here, you'll treat me with a little respect. (Gabrielle gets up on her knees to be able to look Carlos in the eyes.) Gabrielle: You want my respect? Then tear up the post nup! Carlos: Give me my pillow. Gabrielle: One more thing. If you ever hurt me again, I WILL kill you. Carlos: If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you. Gabrielle (sarcastic): Boy, with all this passion, isn't it too bad we're not having sex? (Carlos walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:John's Apartment -Living Room -Day] (John is kissing his way up Gabrielle's arm. Gabrielle doesn't quite seem into it.) Gabrielle: I feel trapped. John: You want me to open a window? Gabrielle: No, I'm talking about my life. John: Oh. So are we done making out? (She realises what he's proposing.) Gabrielle: No no, keep going. (John goes back to kissing her neck and shoulder.) John: So what's up? Gabrielle: I'm unhappy. Carlos and my marriage. I don't have options and it's driving me crazy. Every time something went south in my life, I always had a plan B. now I feel like I have nothing. (Stops kissing her) John: What about me? Can't I be your plan B? Gabrielle: Dammit John! What is our new rule? John (like a child being told not to hit his sister- you know the voice): Stop pretending we have a future. Gabrielle: Thank you. John: Can't you just walk out? Gabrielle: No, 'cos if I leave then I'll be broke, and that would be awful. And if I stay he'll be in control and that's horrifying. And he cut up all my credit cards, which means I'm married to him and unable to shop, which is probably the worst of all possible worlds. John: I'm sorry. Gabrielle: I'll figure something out. I'm sorry. I'm not much fun today, I'm going to go. (Gets up to leave) John: Wait. (Pulls his credit card out of his wallet and hands it to her) Gabrielle: What's this?
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John: You deserve nice things, and if Mr Solis won't provide them, I will. Gabrielle: With your student credit card? John: I own my own business. Gabrielle: You mow lawns! John: I make good money. I have 20 houses and I'm this close to getting the driving range at the country club. Gabrielle: I can't. John: Yes! You can. Gabrielle: I'll pay it off. John: If you want, but you don't have to. Mrs Solis, to take care of you, that's my dream. Gabrielle: Well, far be it for me-(puts the card into her purse) to stand in the way of a young man's dream. (Gabrielle reaches out for John and they start making out again.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Scavo House- Kitchen-Day] (Lynette is on the phone to Tom trying to arrange the errands she has to run that day.) Lynette:OK, Tom, I will swing by the dry cleaners after I hit the market. Um, I don't know, Porter has a dentist appointment at 4 o' clock, so the, um, car might have to wait until tomorrow. (As Lynette is getting her things ready to leave, we see the Tiffany lamp perfectly situated on a table in the lounge.) Lynette: Okay, I love you too. Bye bye. (Opens the door to find Mrs McClusky standing there, with a basket of fruit. She stops, shocked.) Mrs McClusky: Hi there. I brought you some avocados. I have a tree out back but I don't like them and your family seems like the kind that would eat guacamole. Lynette: Um, Mrs McClusky, thank you, that is very nice. Mrs McClusky: So let's make up a batch. (Lynette tries to put her off.) Lynette: Now's not a good time. I'm on my way out and I have a tonne of errands. Mrs McClusky: Oh, that's great, 'cos my cars on the fritz and I could hitch a ride. I need to drop by the pharmacy anyway. Lynette: No I can't. I'm sorry, but I have a lot of things to do. Mrs McClusky: Well, maybe you could take me later, or I could drop by tomorrow. Lynette: Mrs McClusky, I won't have any time tomorrow. Mrs McClusky: Oh, well, I find it interesting that you can't spend two minutes with me, but you have no trouble taking my Tiffany lamp. Lynette: Oh, for god's sake. (Lynette goes into the house and picks up the tiffany lamp,offers it back to Mrs McClusky.) Lynette: Here, you should take this back. I don't have a place for it. Mrs McClusky: But that was my gesture for saving my life. Lynette: Yes, and it was a beautiful gesture. Really. But IMrs McClusky: Save it, Lynette. I get the picture. (Mrs McClusky takes the lamp and storms off back across the street.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Mayer House-Stairs -Night] (Susan comes down the stairs yawning, wearing only a T-shirt) Susan: Argh! (She screams when she sees her mother and a strange man sat in the kitchen. Tries to pull down the T-shirt to cover herself more.)
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Sophie: Oh, Susie, this is Tim. Tim: Sorry, if we startled you. Susan: Oh uh, that's okay. I just didn't expect to see anyone up at a quarter of one. Sophie: Susie, you should have come out tonight. I met Tim here at the Islands Bar, and he introduced me to this crazy drink-the dirty volcano. Haha. Tim: Woo. Sophie: And we danced and then he dipped me. Tim: Sophie is very limber. Susan: Um, mom. Could I just talk to you in the family room for a minute? Tim: Susan is your daughter??!! Sophie: Yup. Tim: No, she can't be. No. Sophie: Yeah. Tim: No. Sophie: Yeah. Tim: No. Susan: Alright, we get it. She looks young. (Susan grabs her mother and drags her to the other room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Family Room-Night] Sophie: Oh, the man has magic fingers. Susan: What are you doing? I have a teenage daughter in the house! You cannot just bring strange men you meet in bars back here in the middle of the night! Sophie: I'm just having a few laughs. What's the big deal? Susan: Look, I know you're trying to get over Morty, but this is not the way to do it.So can you please just go out there and tell him to go home? Sophie: You know how blue I've been. Why can't you be supportive? Susan: I've been plenty supportive. Sophie: No, you haven't, you really haven't. Now Tim is my guest and he will go home when I say so. Susan (defiantly): If he's not gone in five minutes, then I'm going to go out there and tell him how old you really are. (Sophie makes a show of yawning and stretching her arms.) Sophie: Tim, it's time for me to say goodnight. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Underground Garage-Empty-Night] Sullivan (Dirty Cop): Delfino? Mike: Yeah. You must be Sullivan. Sullivan: The file on Mellor's daughter. Mike: Yeah, he said you have some leads. Sullivan: Yeah sure, we've got some leads. Mike: Is there a problem? Sullivan: Gee, I don't know. I'm handing a confidential police report over to a killer and drug dealer. Why should that be a problem? Mike: Thanks. (Mike turns and walks away.) Sullivan: Is this what our justice system's come to? Guys like you walking the streets without a care in the
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world? Mike: I did my time. Sullivan: Not nearly enough, you piece of garbage. (Mike walks back to him.) Mike: You know, I'm glad we got to meet, because apparently I'm no longer a murder suspect thanks to you. (Sullivan is wearing a superior smile on his face,) Mike: So I don't want to seem ungrateful, but how much does it take to buy off a homicide detective these days? Thanks again. (Mike walks away.) Sullivan: Hey, Delfino. One more thing. (Gets out his gun and hits Mike as he turns to answer him on the head with the butt of the gun. Mike falls to the floor, hurt, where he's kicked several times by Sullivan. Mike starts to get back up, only to be hit by Sullivan's gun again.) Sullivan (standing over him): Now this file was misplaced, you understand? If even a word of this gets back to me, there'll be one less cop killer on the streets. You understand me? (Sullivan stands up and throws the heavy file down next to Mike.) Sullivan: And for god's sake, don't get any blood on the file. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT: Posh Restaurant -Day] (Gabrielle is out having a posh lunch, looking at the new shoes she just bought. She looks extremely happy with where she is. An older man is watching her and makes a toast from across the room. Gabrielle smiles back.) Waiter: Ma'am. I'm sorry, but your credit card has been declined. Gabrielle: What? Oh, no. That's impossible. It's a new card, I just went shopping with it. Try it again. Waiter: Ma'am I tried it three times and then I called the bank. Now may I try another card? Gabrielle: Of course you may. If you will just give me a moment. (The waiter walks away and Gabrielle pulls out her cell phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Intermittent shots of Gabrielle in the restaurant and John at his apartment.] John: Hello? Gabrielle: It's me. John: I've been trying to call you, but you turned your cell off. Gabrielle: Because I'm in a lovely restaurant having a lovely meal that I now can't pay for! John: Well, did you order already? Gabrielle: I ate already! John: Look, the credit card company called my mom. They said that there was unusual activity on my card. Gabrielle: I bought shoes! John: Well, I didn't know that. You know, and then my mom started asking all these questions and I blurted out that the card was stolen and she cancelled it. Gabrielle: Why would they call your parents? It's your account. John: They co-signed for it. Look if you just explain to the waiter? Gabrielle (can't quite believe the situation she finds herself in): What? That the card was cancelled by my lover's mommy? John: Well, what other option do you have? Unless you return the shoes and get the money back? Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical. (Gabrielle hangs up on him. The waiter returns.)
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Waiter: So ma'am, what would you like to do about the bill? Gabrielle: Uh?? (Gabrielle looks worried, but she suddenly gets an idea. She smiles as she looks over to the old man who was just smiling at her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House -Day] (Delivery guy walks across the street to Lynette, who is outside carrying washing.) UPS Delivery Guy: Afternoon. I've got a package for your neighbour Karen McClusky. Could you sign for it? Lynette: Well, isn't she home? She usually doesn't go anywhere. Delivery Guy: No one answered. Lynette: Alright. Okay. Thank you. (takes the package) (Lynette walks carefully up Mrs McClusky's front steps, puts the package on her doorstep, rings the bell and runs away with the attitude of a child who's playing "knock knock danger",) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT: Posh Restaurant -Day] (Gabrielle and the older man are now sitting together at her table, and they are sharing a bottle of wine.) Gabrielle (flirting): So let me get this straight. You play tennis. You know wine. And you speak mandarin. Does every other man in the world want you dead? Rich Man: (laughs) I'm not that impressive. I pulled a grey hair out of my chest this morning. Gabrielle: Ha ha. I don't know. I'd watch your back. Rich Man: (looks Gabrielle up and down) You know, I've really enjoyed talking to you. You uh, well, you've made my day. I was thinking if you'd like to get together again. Gabrielle: Well, Sam, to tell the truth, I'm kind of in a relationship right now. I just wanted to be honest. (Gabrielle reaches for his hand.) Rich Man: That's perfectly okay, Tina. (places his other hand on top of hers) By the way, this is on me. Gabrielle: Oh no, you shouldn't. (fake protestations) Rich Man: Please. It's my pleasure. (He hands the bill and his card to the waiter, who looks at it unbelievingly. He makes accusing eyes at Gabrielle, who looks back at him with a mix of "what" and "say something I dare you". The waiter walks away without saying anything.) [INT:Van Der Kamp House-Dining Room-Night] (Bree and Rex are sitting the table for dinner.) Rex: This is going to be a disaster. Bree: It'll be fine. Bree (calls to Andrew): Andrew, honey, hurry up. Dinner's ready. Rex: It's like we're setting a trap for him. (Rex places a bottle of wine on the table.) Bree: It's for his own good. You'll see. Andrew: Smells good. What are we having? Bree: I'm making homemade bratwurst with sweet and sour cabbage. (goes over to Andrew and straightens his hair) It's a recipe I found in an old German cook book. (Doorbell rings.) Bree: I'll get the door. Honey, you pour the wine. (Rex pours himself a large glass of wine.) Andrew: Isn't Danielle spending the night at Wendy's. Rex: Oh, yes, she is. (drinks the entire glass of wine)
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Andrew: Well, then why did mom set the table for four places? Rex: Huh? Andrew: I asked who's coming for dinner. (Bree walks in, arm in arm with the Reverend.) Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sykes, don't you? Andrew (under his breath to his dad): Oh, come on. Bree: Reverend, why don't you have a seat and I will get some refreshments. Reverend: So Andrew, it's been a long time Andrew (very uncomfortable): Yes, yes, it has. Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly. Reverend: Bubbly, please. Reverend (to Andrew): So your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys? (Andrew looks up at his mother, like he can't believe what she's doing to him.) Andrew (to his dad re: the wine): I don't suppose I can have some of that. Rex: Nope, I'm gonna need every drop, (Rex pours himself another large glass.) Reverend: And over the years we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires and within a few months they've discovered an inner peace and tranquillity that is nothing short of miraculous. (Bree is thrilled by this, and squeezes Andrew's arm encouragingly.) Reverend: All it takes is a little faith and a desire to change. Andrew: I'm sorry but I really don't want to talk about my sex life. Bree: Well, that's just too bad because this needs to be discussed. Reverend: Bree, let the boy speak. Go on. Andrew: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So I'm good. Reverend: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time. Andrew: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am. Reverend: Well, if you ever do want to talk, my door is always open. (Reverend goes back to his meal, Bree is very upset that he has dropped the subject.) Bree: Reverend, I don't mean to criticise. But it sounds like you're giving up. Reverend: We can't force him on a path of righteousness, he himself must want to make the journey. Bree: Then what are we supposed to do? Just stand by while he starts dating boys? And by the way, the correct word is not gay, it's sodomy. Rex (nearly chokes on his wine ,which he's still knocking back): We're in the middle of dinner! Bree: So? Rex: So can you at least wait until dessert before you call our son a sodomite? (Andrew is watching the shouting like a tennis match back and fore between his parents. He seems impressed by his dad's defence of his choice, and is simply enjoying the argument.) Bree: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me? Rex: For example, I knew this diner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it. Bree: Well, at least I'm trying to be proactive. Reverend: Please there's no need to get upset. (he clearly doesn't want to be in the middle of a family argument.) Bree: I'm upset because there is a problem here and no one seems to notice it but me. Rex: As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, it is our job to support him. (Bree is disgusted at the fact that Rex is going against her decision for an intervention. She stares at him for a
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few moments, wondering what she should do, then she turns to Andrew.) Bree: Your father is into S&M. Rex: Bree! (drops his fork, he can't believe she just said that in front of the reverend.) Bree: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look at who your parents are. (Bree puts down her serviette and storms off.) Rex: Excuse me. (follows Bree out of the room) Andrew: What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again some time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane - Outside Mayer House- Night] (Susan pulls into her driveway and her mother is there to meet her.) Sophie: Hey, hey, good news. I know why you've been so furious with me. Susan: I have not been furious with you. Sophie: Oh yes, you have. And I don't blame you. Men have been coming on to me left and right and I've been having so much fun and enjoying life. And what did I do, I threw it right in your face! (Susan goes to collect her purse from the boot of the car.) Susan: Mom, I don't hate you. Sophie: Be that as it may, from now on I'm including you in all the fun. Your mother has come through. (Susan pulls down the boot of the car.) Susan (resigned to her fate): What have you done? Sophie: You and I are going on a double date tonight! Susan: What? Sophie: Tim has a friend from the box factory and I thought the four of us could hang out, have some drinks and hor d' oeurves , and ... Susan: Forget it. Sophie: Susie. Susan: Mom, I'm sorry. I'm just not in the mood to hang out these days. Sophie: Susie, sweetie, please. I can't cancel now. Susan: Of course you can, just call them up and tell them not to come over. (Susan puts her bag down and sees people in the other room. It takes a second to register and when she looks back she realises it's-) Susan: Tim! Tim: Oh, hey Suse, this is my buddy Lamont. Lamont (very proud of herself): I brought peppermint schnapps. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House] (Lynette is outside, getting something from her car, when she glances over the road and sees the package she dropped off earlier in the day still sitting in the same place-we can tell that she's worried about her neighbour.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen -Night] (Lynette and Tom are making dinner for the hungry hoards (burritos). Lynette is grating cheese, Tom is drinking a beer. they are working as a well oiled machine, with Tom distributing the cheese and Lynette coming behind him to dole out the meat.) Tom: I'm sure she's fine. Lynette: She never leaves her mail sitting out there. I mean how many times has she thrown ours away
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because we didn't pick it up the minute it came. Tom: That would be five. Lynette: I don't know, Tom, I think something's happened to her. Tom: So go over and check on her. Lynette: But if I'm wrong then I'm sucked into a two-hour conversation about bunions pilkingtons. Tom: So don't check on her. Lynette: Six months from now when they find her mummified corpse at the bottom of the stairs what do I tell the kids? Oh yeah, I let Mrs McClusky die. Tom: Yeah, why would they care? Like they'd miss the dry cleaning coupons she hands out at Halloween! What can I say, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. So, uh, good luck with that! (He shrugs and walks off.) Lynette (calls after him): Honey, I'm hating you a little right now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Solis House -Bathroom -Night] (Carlos is soaking in the bathtub and watching a football game on TV.Gabrielle enters, very pleased with herself.) Gabrielle: Hi, honey, look at my new shoes. Carlos: Yeah. Gabrielle: Aren't they gorgeous? Carlos: Honey, I'm trying to watch the game. (he's distracted by the match and doesn't really hear what Gabrielle is saying.) Gabrielle: Sorry. (Carlos suddenly realises what his wife did that day.) Carlos: How did you buy new shoes? Gabrielle: Sh! We'll talk later, you're watching the game. Carlos: No, I want to talk about it now. (Gabrielle now has his complete attention.) Carlos: You don't have any money, so what's the story? Gabrielle: Oh, you've heard it all before. Girl meets boy. Boy buys girl nice things. Girl leaves happy. Carlos: What did you do? Gabrielle: You know I forgot how generous men could be. I also forgot I have options. A whole bunch of them. Carlos: What the hell are you talking about? Gabrielle: I don't need your credit cards, Carlos. And I don't need your money. But if our marriage is going to work, I need your respect. Carlos: I'm not ripping up the post-nup. Gabrielle: Yes, you are. Because if you don't, I'm going to put on my new shoes and walk out that door. Carlos: Are you threatening me? Gabrielle: No, I'm just pointing something out. I'm a pretty girl. And pretty girls are never lonely. (She flicks the bubbles at Carlos as she struts out of the room. Carlos is left in the bath worried about what he's going to do.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Living Room -Night] (Squeals and laughter from Sophie and Tim -he's basically groping and tickling her.) Sophie: Stop! I'm really ticklish. (Unlike Tim and Sophie, Lamont and Susan are sitting quietly on separate chairs.) Lamont: So children's books right?
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Susan: Yeah. Lamont: Well, I hope you know how lucky you are. Not everyone gets to realise their bliss. Susan: Yeah, it can be rewarding. Lamont: Why don't you join me? Susan: No. Sophie: I'm really ticklish. C'on. Tim: What's wrong? Susan (finally snapping): For god's sake, Tim, she's ticklish! How many times do you have to be told? Sophie: Oh, (sighs at her daughter) This is so much fun. Let's find another CD. Susan: Mother, don't you think it's getting a little late? Sophie: C'on. You haven't even finished your schnapps. Susan: Agh! (downs the shot) The perfect capper to the perfect evening, so good night, it's been lovely. And Lamont, good luck with all your inventions. Sophie: Oh, it's only 11.30! I want to hit the clubs. Tim: I know a good place just off the interstate. C'on. Lamont: Warm up the old war wagon. Susan: Mom! Hold it! you are not getting in a car with those two, you hardly know them. Sophie: I have great instincts about people, I always have, sure, you know that. Susan: You've been married four times. Sophie: Yes, but twice to the same guy. Susan: Mother! Sophie: Susie, please! You're embarrassing me. Susan: Oh, I'm embarrassing you. Sophie: Yes, and I've had it. All night long I've been trying to get you to stop being so crabby, and you've refused to let me help. Susan: And your idea of helping is to let Tim just grope you?! Tim: Hey, you shouldn't talk to your mother like that, she's a fine lady. Susan: Tim, can you just stay out of this? Lamont: Yeah, mind your own business. Tim: Hey, what's your problem, pal? Lamont: Dude,you were feeling up her mother! I'd be pissed off too. C'on, Susie, let's go back inside. Susan: Let's go back inside?! Lamont, give it up, you're not getting any! Sophie: Why are you being this way? I was just trying to lighten things up. Susan: Will you stop acting like tonight was all about helping me? You wanted to go out and have fun and Lamont needed a date. Sophie: That's not true. Susan: Yes! It is! (Susan sits down on the front step.) Sophie: Okay, it's true. (sits beside her) I wanted to get out and have fun. Why shouldn't I? You know how depressed I've been over my break up with Morty. Susan: Yeah, I do and that's what makes me so crazy. The difference between you and I, that you could be heartbroken and you can just move on and I am just broken. Sophie: I know you're sad. Susan: No, mom, I'm not sad. And I'm not crabby. I'm devastated. And you keep acting like all I need is a couple of aspirin. Morty was just one guy in a series of guys for you. And Mike? He was the one. Why don't you get that?
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(Susan is hurt that her mother doesn't understand her, and goes inside, leaves her sitting outside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:McClusky House-Doorway/ Living Room-Day] (Lynette lets herself into Mrs McClusky's House carrying the package from yesterday.) Lynette: Hello? It's Lynette? Hello? Mrs McClusky? Mrs McClusky, are you alright? Mrs McClusky: How did you get in here? (Lynette finds Mrs McClusky sat in her chair all alone.) Lynette: Uh, Mr Mullins had a spare. Why didn't you open the door? Mrs McClusky: Because I was hoping you'd go away. Lynette: Have you been taking your arthritis medication? Mrs McClusky (too proud to tell her she couldn't take her pills because she couldn't open the bottles): I don't need to. Sometimes the pain goes away by itself. Lynette (disbelieving): Uh-huh. Is that why you didn't open the door? Because of your hands? Mrs McClusky, do you have anyone who could help you out? A relative? A friend? Mrs McClusky: I'm fine. Lynette: Okay. Okay. Mrs McClusky (worried that Lynette will leave her alone and not help her get her pills): Before you go, open these, would you? And put out the pills? Lynette: Yeah. Mrs McClusky: And don't put your hands all over them, who knows what your kids have picked up. The last thing I need is a case of pink eye. Lynette: You're a piece of work, you know that? (attempts to open Mrs McClusky's pill bottles, but has difficulty) Well, this is crazy, why'd they give you childproof caps? Mrs McClusky: Yeah. Lynette: First thing tomorrow I'll take you to the pharmacy and you can get you new bottles. Mrs McClusky: Don't do me any favours. You don't even like me. I don't want you doing anything because you feel obligated. Lynette: Let me tell you something: half of life is obligations. You don't want to go to your husband's company Christmas party, but you do. You don't want to sell candy so your kids' band can play piccolos, but you do. You attend your third cousin's wedding. You pick up the dry cleaning. That's life. Its obligation. And you are now my obligation. So tomorrow morning I'll pick you up and take you to the pharmacy. Mrs McClusky (sarcastic): Gee, I'm touched by your outpouring of compassion. Lynette: We don't have to be friends. But we're two human beings living on the same piece of earth. We could at least help each other out once in a while. (Lynette goes to leave, but stops when she sees the Tiffany lamp on the piano.) Lynette: And you know what. I am going to take this. (picks up the lamp) Mrs McClusky: Fine. Lynette: I'll see you tomorrow morning. Mrs McClusky: Pick me up at nine. And don't be late. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Van Der Kamp House-Living Room-Night] (Bree is curled up on the sofa looking through a photo album. Andrew comes out of the kitchen carrying a sandwich.) Bree: Andrew, come here, I want you to see this. (Andrew starts to walk past her, but stops and sits down beside her.) Andrew: What are you looking at?
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Bree: Your baby pictures. Look at that one. Andrew: How old was I then? Bree: About four weeks old. I never told you this, but when I gave birth to you, there were complications. The umbilical chord wrapped around your neck and you stopped breathing. The room got very quiet, and I knew you were in trouble. So I turned to the doctor and I very calmly said that he was not to worry about me, that his job was to save your life. When I say I would die for you, that's not just an expression. I mean it. Andrew: Yeah, well, I'm gonna go eat my sandwich. Bree: Andrew, please just go and talk to Reverend Sykes. Andrew: Oh for god's sakes. Bree: Please, he can counsel you. It can help. Andrew: Mom, I don't need any help. I'm fine. Why do you keep going on about this? (Andrew gets up and walks away from his mother, who gets up and pleads with him to change his mind.) Bree: Because if you don't change who you are then you won't go to heaven. Andrew: You um, you don't think I'll go to heaven? Bree: No, I don't. And I need you there. I would be so lonely without you. Andrew: I guess I'd better go talk to Reverend Sykes. Bree: Oh, Andrew. Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me. (envelops him in a hug) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT : Delfino House-Doorway-Day] (Sophie is at Mike's house to try to help her daughter by telling Mike how she feels. Sophie is shocked to see Mike's black eye when he opens the door to her.) Sophie: Oh, my gosh. Are you okay? Mike: Yeah, I just uh, fell down the stairs. What's up? Sophie: Susan still loves you. Mike: Uh. Wow. Um. Okay. (He totally doesn't know how to process that information.) Look, this is not a good time for this conversation. Sophie: She misses you so much. Mike: Sophie, I just found out that someone I was very close to is dead. I really need to figure out what I'm going to do. So I don't have time to think about Susan right now. Sophie: She's very unhappy. If you could justMike: I really don't. I'm sorry. (Mike closes the door in her face. Mike goes back to the file that the policeman gave him last night. He picks up the photograph of the toy chest that Deirdre's body was found in. He runs through the list of names of people who bought the chest. He stops when he comes to the name Paul Young. Recognising the name he begins to suspect his neighbour of murder) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Church -Day] (It is Andrew's first counselling session with Reverend Sykes. The reverend swears on the bible.) Reverend Sykes: I swear before almighty god that I will not reveal what is said here today. Now, what's on your mind. (The two sit down in a pew, facing each other.) Andrew: Well, here's the thing. I lied to my parents. I'm not gay. Reverend (shocked): You're not? Andrew: Not really. Look, all I knew was that I wanted to get the hell out of that camp. So I told that I was really worried that I was having feelings for other guys. They did exactly what I wanted them to. They are
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such tools. Reverend: I'm sorry, just so I'm clear. Are you a heterosexual or aren't you? Andrew: Look, I love vanilla ice-cream, but every now and then I'm probably gonna be in the mood for chocolate. You know what I mean? Reverend: I do, but God would prefer you stick to the vanilla. Andrew: I don't believe in god. Reverend: You don't? Andrew: Nope. Sorry. Reverend: (Sighs) Your mother's going to be so devastated. She's been praying so hard that you will be able to change. Andrew: But that's the good news. I am going to change. Big time. Reverend: I'm afraid I don't follow. Andrew: You know what my mom said to me last night? She said that she doesn't think I'm going to heaven. Can you believe that? Reverend: I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way that you can know paradise is if you repent your sins. Andrew: When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I'm going to get back at her. From now on I'm going to be so good. I'm going to eat my vegetables. (The Reverend smiles, glad to hear what Andrew's saying.) Andrew: I'm going to get good grades. (The Reverend nods.) Andrew: I'm going to say yes ma'am, no ma'am. I'm going to make her believe that god has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day I'm going to do something so awful it is going to rock her world. I mean it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me, I'll know paradise. (The reverend looks utterly dumfounded at the monster that is sitting beside him and his plans to destroy his own mother. Andrew is delighted to have confided his plan to someone, and he gets up, tosses the bible that the reverend swore his oath on earlier to him and walks away, leaving the reverend shocked.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mrs McClusky's house -Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, life is a journey. One that is much better travelled with a companion by our side.Of course but that companion can be just about anyone(Lynette knocks on Mrs McClusky's door, and checks her watch, worried that they'll be late.) Lynette: Mrs McClusky, we're going to be late for the doctor. (Mrs McClusky opens the door, acting as if she's right on time.) Mrs McClusky: I'm coming, jeez, hold your horses. Mary Alice Voiceover:-A neighbour on the other side of the street-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House -Bedroom -Night] (Carlos enters, ripping up the post nup and throws it on the bed.) Carlos: There you go. No more post-nup. (Gabrielle says nothing, simply pulls back the bed sheets, allowing her husband into bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or the man on the other side of the bed-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Church -Day] Mary Alice Voiceover:The companion can be a mother with good intentions(Bree shakes hands in the receiving line with the reverend.)
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Bree: Thank you for a wonderful service, reverend. Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or a child who is up to no good(Andrew follows his mother out of the church and says quietly & conspiratorially to the reverend.) Andrew: Very inspirational. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer and Delfino Houses -Day] Mary Alice Voiceover:Still despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way and our journey will become unbearable. (Susan exits her house, going to collect her post. Across the street, she sees Mike is doing the same. They look at each other for a second before going back to what they were doing.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Cemetery-Day] (Noah is slowly walking through the graveyard. He sits on a bench and stares wistfully at his photograph of a smiling and happy Deirdre.) Mary Alice Voiceover:You see, human beings are designed for many things. But loneliness is not one of them. ~ The End ~
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X20: FEAR NO MORE -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives[INT:Solis House-Day] (Carlos and Gabrielle talking.) Carlos: I want a child. Gabrielle: We made a deal. No kids. (Shots of Carlos changing Gabrielle' s birth control pills.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Tampering with prescriptions[INT:Underground Garage-Night] (Shots of Mike meeting with the policeman to receive the file.) Sullivan: The file on Noah's daughter. (Shots of Mike looking through the file and stopping at Paul Young's name on the list of people who bought the toy chest.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Uncovering evidence[INT :Young House-Living Room-Night] ( Shots of Edie and Susan searching Paul's house. We see the video which Susan just puts into play as they are shocked by a noise at the door.) Edie: What are we looking for exactly? Susan: What was that? (Shots of Susan jumping behind the sofa.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Breaking and entering[INT: Pharmacy -Day] (Rex is challenging George in the pharmacy.) Rex: Bree is a lady, a very beautiful, classy lady. Remember they tend to end up with doctors, not
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pharmacists. (George looks at him as if he wants to kill him. Then we see George throwing a bottle of pills in the bin.) Mary Alice Voiceover: And a whole lot of revenge. End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Susan's Bedroom-Night] (Susan is writing in bed, she stops and looks at a photo of her and baby Julie on her bedside table.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Since she was a little girl, Susan Meyer wanted to be a mother in the worst way. (We fade into a series of flashbacks.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Old Mayer House-Day] (Susan, in an old house places baby Julie on the sofa carefully.) Susan: You're so cute, yeah. (She goes to fetch a bottle from the other side of the room.) Mary Alice Voiceover: And from the first day she brought Julie home from the hospital she was. (When she turns back, the baby is gone.) Susan: Oh! Oh! How did you get down there? That's not funny. (Susan picks up baby Julie from the floor.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Old Mayer House-Day] (This is a different flashback-Susan is getting all the required baby stuff together to go out. She is incredibly flustered. She throws a towel over her shoulder, picks up her bag and leaves the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Despite her desire to do well by her daughter, (Baby Julie starts crying.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Susan suffered through countless failures. (Susan hears the baby crying and comes back.) Susan: I am so sorry. How did I forget you? (Susan picks up the baby and attempts to leave for the second time.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT : Park-the Roundabout-Day] (Susan is pushing young Julie on the roundabout and having a great time.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course it took Susan a few years to realise that even the best of parents make mistakes now and then. (Susan looks down to brush dirt from her dungarees. When she looks up she realises that the roundabout is going around without her daughter being on it. she rushes round to where her daughter fell off to comfort her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Susan's Bedroom-Night] (We return to the present and hears a strange noise outside.) Mary Alice Voiceover: But now that Julie was a teenage girl, Susan had started to realise(Susan gets up and goes to the window. As she looks out she sees Zach standing in her garden throwing pebbles at a window further down her house. She is not impressed with what she sees.) Mary Alice Voiceover: There was no room for error. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House -Julie's Bedroom -Night] (Susan enters her daughter's room to find her lying in bed with a pillow over her head, trying to ignore the noise at her window.)
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Susan: Julie, what is Zach doing out there? I thought I told you not to speak to him anymore? Julie: I'm not! That's why he's throwing gravel at my window. Susan: I'm going to handle this once and for all. (Susan goes over to Julie's window.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Mayer House -Garden-Night] (Zach picks up a handful of pebbles from the garden and throws them all up at Julie's window, which is now open as Susan tells him off.) Susan: Zach! What do you think you are?Argh! argh! (screams as the rocks hit her in the face.) (Julie is shocked by her mother's screams and goes to the window. Zach is standing sheepishly in the garden and gives her a little wave.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Mayer House -Living Room-Night] (Susan is lying on the sofa as Julie puts drops in her eyes. Zach is pacing in the background trying to apologise for his actions.) Zach: Mrs Meyer, I'm so sorry. It's just-well, one pebble wasn't working, so I tried a whole handful. Susan: Ow ow. Zach: Look, I'll make it up to you. Susan: (angry) How? Are you going to give me your corneas? Julie: Mom, lay back. Zach: I just wanted to talk to Julie, she hasn't been returning my phone calls. Julie: (fed up) Well, I'm here now. What do you want? Zach: C'on, Julie, I just want to see you again. You know, talk, hang out. Julie: Maybe it would be better if we just cooled it for a while, okay? (Susan is in the background trying to look in the mirror to see if there is any permanent damage done.) Zach: Why? Susan: (sarcastically) Well, you just threw rocks in her mother's face. How's that for a start? (Zach gets disheartened and leaves with his head down low. Susan has made an eye wash and puts it to her eye and tips her head back.) Julie: Thank you so much. I have been trying to find a way to break up with him for weeks, you finally gave me an excuse. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Susan had failed many times as a mother? Julie: You did good, mom. Mary Alice Voiceover:So she took her victories where she found them. Susan: You're welcome. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Day] (Over head and establishing shots of a sunny wisteria lane, birds are chirping in the background.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Spring comes every year to wisteria lane. It's the time when flowers start to bloom. When butterflies emerge from their cocoons. When bees begin to search for nectar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Flower show-Day] (George smells a beautiful pink orchid and looks over his shoulder where we see Bree and Rex.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Spring is also the time when a young man's fancy turns to obsession.
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(George goes over to Bree and Rex.) George: Hello there. Bree: (shocked to see him) Oh, my heavenly days. Rex, look, it's George. George:It's great to see you Bree,Rex. Rex: George. George: (to Rex) So how's your health? Rex: Not good, and my cardiologist is an idiot. Bree: The doctor upped his dosage twice and it's still not helping. (Rex is not amused that his wife is telling the man he hates about his health.) George: I'm sure it will all work itself out. You know, it's funny running into you both. I happen to have extra tickets to a bonsai exposition in Mount Pleasant Friday night. Would you like to go? Bree: (accepts straight away) I would love to. Rex? Rex: A whole evening of bonsai trees?Wouldn't it be easier to just shoot me? George: (straight faced) Probably. (George laughs, Bree joins in and touches George on his shoulder. George goes to put his hand over hers and is thrilled by her touch.) Bree: Well, why don't we just go by ourselves then? Rex: Uh, actually Bree we have that thing Friday night. Bree: What thing? We don't have a thing. George: Actually, I think what your husband is trying to say is that he doesn't want you going out with me. Bree: Rex, are you still jealous? Rex: No. Bree: It's true that we dated during the separation, but George and I are just friends now, aren't we? George: Strictly platonic. But if you feel threatened? Rex: I don't feel threatened. (obviously lying) Bree: Good, then it's a date. (Bree links arms with both Rex and George and they walk away.) George: So are you going to make a purchase today? Bree: Do you know, I've finally convinced Rex to buy his first orchid. George: Make sure you study up. I hate people who own precious flowers and don't know how to take proper care of them. (obvious subtext going on here, that they're really talking about Bree.) Rex: You know what I hate? Weeds. They just pop up out of nowhere and you have to work so hard to get rid of them. George: I find that with the right chemicals you can get rid of anything. (to Bree) I'll see you Friday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Car Shop-Day] (Gabrielle is lovingly running her hand over a gorgeous blue convertible.) Sales Assistant: Mrs Solis, what a surprise. We haven't seen you in here for quite some time. Gabrielle: Yes, yes, I know. My husband and I went through a downsizing phase. But we've snapped out of it. Life is good. And this would make it so much better. Sales Assistant: Excellent. Slip inside, see how that feels. (She opens the door and Gabrielle slips into the drivers side.) Gabrielle: Oh, I would love to have this in my driveway by Saturday. I'm having a big barbeque and I want everyone to see it. Sales Assistant: How exciting, what's the occasion? Gabrielle: I'm throwing my husband a going-away party.
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Sales Assistant: Really, where's he going? Gabrielle: (doesn't want to say that he's going to jail) It's-it's a sort of- a government sponsored sabbaticalSales Assistant: How long is he going to be gone? Gabrielle: Eight months. (quietly to herself) Six with good behaviour. (The sales assistant hears the "six with good behaviour" part and looks a bit confused Gabrielle smiles, but suddenly her face scrunches up-the smell of the car is making her nauseous.) Sales Assistant: Isn't the leather interior wonderful? Gabrielle: It is. Its is. (she covers her nose trying to block the smel) It's just the smell is a little intense. Sales Assistant: That's because it was imported from Italy. It's made of 100% Italian calf. (Gabrielle nods and tries to smile but ultimately ends up spilling her lunch in the passenger seat. The sales assistant looks disgusted.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Car shop-Day] (Gabrielle is now out of the car and there is a team of cleaners in the car trying to remove the sick.) Gabrielle: I am so sorry, it just hit me out of nowhere. It is so weird, smells have been making me nauseous lately. Sales Assistant: Ribs tender? achy back? Gabrielle: Yeah, why has it been going around? Sales Assistant: Only for centuries. I went through it all when I was carrying my eldest. The truth is, (looks at the car that Gabrielle was just sick in) you're never going to fit a child safety seat in the back of that tiny spider anyway. The four doors are much roomier. (She heads off to show Gabrielle the alternative cars. Gabrielle doesn't follow her though.) Gabrielle: What? Wait? You think I'm pregnant? No, I'm not pregnant. Sales Assistant: Oh, you just have all the symptoms. I just assumed. Gabrielle: Well, you assumed wrong. Sales Assistant: Well, I'm sorry. Gabrielle: I'm on the pill for god's sakes. Sales Assistant: Okay .(highly uncomfortable) Gabrielle: And another thing, I don't want a four door. I want a sexy little convertible. And I want to buy one. Right now. Sales Assistant: I'll go start the paperwork. Gabrielle: Well, not this one. 'Cos I vomited in this one. Sales Assistant: (acting as if she's placating the crazy lady she's dealing with) We'll find you a fresh one. (Gabrielle smiles as the sales assistant walks off, but starts to look worried as the thought she could be pregnant goes around her head.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT : Peterson's - Tom's Office -Day] (Lynette walks into the office carrying a file. She is all smiles and nods hi to the receptionist.) Tom: Lynette! Lynette: (sees Tom working with a woman, whose back is turned to her) You forgot your Helprin file. (The woman turns around and Lynette is in total shock as she recognises her.) Annabel: Oh, my god, Lynette. Mary Alice Voiceover: If there was one person Lynette never expected to see again, it was Annabel Foster. (Annabel smiles at Lynette who looks as if she's about to faint from shock.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[INT: Peterson's -Evelator -Day] (The elevator pings and the doors of the elevator open to show us a couple making out, it's Tom and Annabel. They stock when they realise that the doors are open, not wanting anyone to see.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Eight years earlier, Annabel had begged Tom to marry her, but he told her he wasn't the marrying kind. (The elevator doors ping again and we see Annabel and Tom talking intimately in the elevator with their heads touching, they are obviously in a relationship and don't care who sees them.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Then one-day Tom happened to meet a rising young executive by the name of Lynette Linquist. (Lynette enters the elevator, she's wearing a suit, not like the Lynette we know now. Annabel gives Tom a last kiss and leaves the elevator. Tom and Lynette glance at each other. The doors shut.) Mary Alice Voiceover: And after a few torrid weeks, Tom decided perhaps he was the marrying kind after all. (The elevator doors ping again and we see Tom and Lynette making out even more heatedly than he was with Annabel in the previous scene. Tom only stops kissing Lynette to close the doors, and they get back to kissing again.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Causing an embittered Annabel to move back to Chicago permanently. (The elevator doors ping again and open to an empty elevator. Annabel gets into the elevator alone, carrying a box of items from her cleared out desk. She looks MAD!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT: Peterson's -Tom's Office-Day] (We flash back to the present.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Or so Lynette had hoped. (Lynette is still standing there shell shocked as Annabel comes over to her and gives her a hug.) Annabel: You look fantastic. Lynette: Oh, thank you. And you. You're here. In the office. Tom's office. Annabel: Yeah, going on three months now. Didn't Tom tell you? (She almost seems to be taunting her here.) Lynette: It uh, must have slipped his mind. (Both turn to look at Tom.) Tom: Huh? Annabel: Aaah, afraid to tell the wife you're working with the ex, eh? I guess that makes me your dirty little secret. (She's teasing him.) (Tom laughs with Annabel at this. Lynette can't believe what she's seeing. And when he looks at Lynette, he knows he's stuffed up and is in for it when he gets home.) Lynette: Well, I'll let you get back to work. I'll see you later. Tom: Can't wait. Lynette: I almost forgot, your file. Here. (Lynette literally throws the file at Tom's head.) Tom: Wow. (Nervous laughter by both Tom and Annabel) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Britt Building Site-Day] (Edie is looking over some blueprints for her new house, with builders and Mike working in the background. Paul approaches her.) Edie: Hey, Paul, what's up? Paul: Something's been nagging at me Edie, and I wanted to talk to you about it. Edie: Okay.
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(Mike is watching closely the conversation between these two.) Paul: That night I found you in my house, why were you really there? Edie: You know why, I came to drop off your key. (Mike is faking work as he eavesdrops.) Paul: Some things were moved around in my living room. What were you looking for? Edie: (acts confused) What are you talking about? Paul: Do I have to call the police? Edie: (her face hardens) Do whatever you want. Paul: Suit yourself. (Paul walks off, but Edie worries about what to do, she doesn't want to get arrested, so she calls him back.) Edie: Okay, okay. Susan made me do it. (Mike stops faking when he hears Susan's name mentioned.) Edie: (Once she starts she can't stop) She has this fixation on why Mary Alice killed herself and she keeps blathering on about blackmail notes and dead babies. Oh, and she got really hot and bothered when she found the name Angela written on one of your videotapes. Paul: Did she find what she was looking for? Edie: No, you came home before she had a chance to watch the video. Paul: I see. Edie: She sort of thinks you're evil. Paul: Thank you, Edie. (Paul leaves and Mike comes up to Edie to try and find out what was happening.) Mike: What was that all about? Edie: Susan Meyer's obsession with Mary Alice nearly got me arrested. And now Paul's after her. If I liked her better I'd warn her. But, you know-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Coffee Shop-Day] (Susan is collecting her coffee.) Susan: (to the woman who hands her the coffee) Thanks. (She sees Mike approaching outside. She gets flustered and tries to avoid him by sitting down with a group of women, whose conversation stops when she sits down. They all look at her, wondering what's going on.) Mike: Susan? (Susan knows she's caught, but still tries to fake her way out of the situation.) Susan: I'll talk to you girls later. Mike: Still avoiding me, huh? Susan: No, no. What do you want? Mike: I heard that you and Edie broke into Paul Young's house. Susan: Who told you that? Mike: Edie. (Susan knows she's been caught out.) Susan: Well, yeah, we did. We were just looking. It doesn't matter, it was dumb. Mike: Listen, I want you to stay away from that guy. Susan: Well, I was planning on doing that anyway. Mike: Good. (He turns to leave but Susan stops him.) Susan: Mike, I know why I was planning to stay away from him, but why do you want me to stay away from him? Mike: I just know he's a bad guy. So please don't mess with him.
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Susan: I won't (he looks at her, like "yeah right"). I promise. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Van De Kamp House-Kitchen/ Dining Room-Day] (Bree is making up a flower arrangement when Rex approaches her.) Rex: So, I've been thinking about the pharmacist. Bree: George. What about him? Rex: I don't think you should go out with him. Bree: Please don't be this way. He's the only friend I have who is interested in cultural things. Rex: Bree! I'm worried because he is obviously still in love with you. Bree: No. He just wants to be friends. He told me so. Rex: What else would a man in love say? He's desperate to spend time with you. Bree: He does not seem desperate to me. Rex: I saw the way his hands trembled when you touched his shoulder. Bree: They did? (She's thrilled by this news.) Rex: When we first started dating the same thing happened to me. Bree: I don't remember that. (She's pleased at his confession.) Rex: Listen, continuing to see him would just give him false hope. Bree: Well, I certainly don't want to hurt him,again. Rex: No, you don't. I even think it would be a good idea to switch pharmacies. Bree: Really? (pauses what shes doing) Well, okay. You know what I'm going to miss most about him? George always has a way of making me feel good about myself. Rex: Yeah, he's a terrific guy. (Bree walks away with the new flowers and smiles as she turns to ask Rex.) Bree: Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me? Rex: No! (don't be silly) But, come on, we've been married 18 years. Bree: Yes, we have. (Bree sighs at the answer her husband gave her.). And you still don't know when I need you to lie. (Bree leaves, and Rex feels bad. Rex shakes out more of his pills, to take one.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT : Pharmacy-Day] (Gabrielle searches through the aisles to find a pregnancy test, she's really on edge.) Gabrielle: Excuse me. This home pregnancy test-is it a good one? Ginger: (not really interested) I guess. Gabrielle: Okay, do you have a rest room? Ginger: It's for employees only. (George overhears the conversation and knowing that Gabrielle is a friend of Bree's is very accommodating.) George: It's right over there, Mrs Solis. Help yourself. Gabrielle: Thank you. George: (in a nasty voice to Ginger) What did I tell you about being rude to customers? You'll stick a smile on your face or I'll keep you in back stocking shelves where no one has to look at you. (Bree enters, looking for George.) George: (all smiles again after berating Ginger) Bree, what are you doing here? Didn't we just fill Dr Van De Kamp's prescription last week? Bree: George, as it turns out I won't be able to go with you to the bonsai expo. George: Why not? Bree: I think it would be a mistake for us to spend too much time together.
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George: Dr Van De Kamp said something about me. What was it? Bree: It doesn't matter. George: Please, tell me. Bree: He said you're still in love with me. George: That,that's stupid. I'm not in love with you. I'm not. The truth is, I'm in love with Ginger. (all said without a hint of feeling.) Bree: Ginger? The stock girl? George: Yes, it's very serious. (They both look towards Ginger, who stands there looking awkward and uncomfortable.) Bree: (She's very excited by this news and doesn't click that he's lying) Why didn't you tell me? George: Well, we're taking it slow. But she is definitely the one Bree: Oh my goodness, well, this changes everything. A friend of mine is having a barbeque for her husband on Saturday and I think you should come. George: Really? Bree: Yes. And bring Ginger. George: Ginger? I don't think she can make it. Bree: Well, you have to bring Ginger, because if Rex sees the two of you together, then he'll relax. Gabrielle (off screen): SON OF A BITCH!!! (Bree and George turn in shock to see Gabrielle storm out of the toilet.) Gabrielle: You are out of toilet paper. (to Bree) Bree I'll call you later. (Everyone in the store watches as hurricane Gabrielle blazes through.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Scavo House-Living Room-Night] (Tom comes home from work, calls out for his wife.) Tom: Lynette? Honey, are you home? Lynette: (from behind him, by the windows) Three months? Tom: God, you cared the hell out of me. Lynette: Were you ever going to tell me? Tom: I wanted to, but I kept putting it off. I knew how you'd react Lynette: Congratulations. You read me like a book. Why would you hire that woman? Tom: Technically Peterson found her. I just vouched for her. Lynette: Tom! Tom: Come on honey, I'm just helping her out. It's the least I can do, look, she was devastated when I left her for you. I felt bad. Lynette: Do you still have feelings for her? Tom: (puts his hands up) Alright, I'm not talking to you. (He leaves to go upstairs.) Lynette: C'on, you can tell me. You still care about her, don't you, just a teeny tiny little bit? Tom: I was just trying to be a good guy. That's all. Lynette: Well, you can't work with her. Tom: What do you want me to do? Quit? Lynette: Talk to Peterson, maybe he can get her transferred. Weren't you guys talking about setting something up in Belize? Tom: You're crazy. Lynette: No. I'm serious. If she stays, I will haunt your office. I will bring you lunch everyday. I will bring the kids to visit. I will change diapers on your desk. Every birthday cake in the break room, every retirement party,
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I will be there. Watching her. Tom: Well, I'd better get you a parking space. She's staying. (Lynette stares after him. She can't believe what Tom just said.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] (Sophie is hammering hanging beads over the doorway.) Sophie: Don't you think it spices up the room? (Susan doesn't look convinced. The doorbell goes before she has to answer her mother.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House -Day] (Zach is delivering a pot plant to apologise for the other night.) Zach: Oh, I was just leaving you a gift. To apologise for, you know, throwing gravel in your face. Susan: (She picks up the plan) You didn't have to do that. Zach: No, I kind of did. You see I want us to be friends. Susan: Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. Zach: Why not? Susan: Aside from you nearly blinding me. Several weeks ago you freaked out in my house: you screamed, you threw furniture around. Zach: Okay, look, I realise I was out of line that night. But I was upset. And we have to get over that, for Julie's sake. Susan: (doesn't quite understand) For Julie's sake? Zach: How do you think it makes her feel that her mother and her boyfriend can't even get along? Susan: (She says this quietly, to try and say what she has to without upsetting Zach) Zach, Julie does not think of you as her boyfriend. In fact I don't think she wants anything to do with you. Zach: She said that? Susan: Yeah. Zach: I don't believe you. Susan: (gives him back the plant) Believe whatever you want. (Susan turns to go back into her house. Zach is angry and goes to follow her.) Zach: Well, if she said that, it's because you tell her stuff about me that's not true. Paul (from across the street): Zach! Come here. (Mrs Tilman is watering plants outside and watches all the commotion.) Paul: Right now! Zach: Please. Don't ruin this for me. (Mrs Tilman watches Zach walk back across the street utterly dejected and we fade into a flashback.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mrs Tilman's House -Day - Past] (Mrs Tilman is pouring tea for her and her sister. Mrs Huber is looking at photographs on her table.) Mrs Huber: (off screen) How do you know Mary Alice? Mrs Tilman: Who? Mrs Huber: Mary Alice Young. She lives next door to me in Fairview. She's standing right here in this picture with you. (shows her sister the picture) Mrs Tilman: That's Angela Forrest, we worked together at the rehab centre fifteen years ago. Mrs Huber: Don't be dense, Felicia. Don't you think I even know my own neighbour? Mrs Tilman: (confused, but wonders) Does this Mary Alice have children? Mrs Huber: A teenager. A boy.
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(Mrs Huber sits down opposite her sister, and when she sees the look on Mrs Tilman's face, she pries for all the gossip.) Mrs Huber: What? Mrs Tilman: Angela and I worked together with a very disturbed young woman who gave birth to a baby boy. About a year later Angela and her husband disappeared. (Mrs Huber is hooked to the story) Not long after that, I heard that the child was missing too. People said that it was just a coincidence, but in my heart I always hoped that she had given the child a proper home. Mrs Huber: Are you saying she stole the baby? Mrs Tilman: Don't look shocked, Martha, it makes your face look fat. (Now we know why Mrs Huber acts as she does with a relationship with her sister like this.) Mrs Tilman: The biological mother was a drug addict! If Angela really is your neighbour, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky. (fade back to present) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT - Wisteria Lane -Mrs Tilman's House -Day] (Tilman continues to watch Zach walk back across the street to his father.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT : Peterson's -Break Room-Day] (Annabel pours herself a cup of tea.) Annabel: Lynette, hey. (Lynette is all dolled up in a dress, her hair done, make-up etc.) Annabel: If you're looking for Tom, he's out with a client. Lynette: No, I wanted to see you. Annabel: You know that's really funny. I was thinking the same thing. We should go out for lunch, the two of us. Lynette: (sarcastic) Yeah, I'll check my book. So Annabel, do you have feelings for Tom? Annabel: (taken aback) What? Lynette: You heard me. Annabel: Alright, you want to talk about this, Lynette, let's talk. Yes, Tom and I were in love. But he married you. I'm not looking to break up a happy couple. Anyway that's more your speed, isn't it? (She really isn't over the way she and Tom broke up.) Worker: (Oblivious to the tension in the room as the two ladies stare at each other) Morning ladies, just coming in for a little more fuel. One man's sludge is another man's liquid gold. Well, back to the trenches. Lynette: Watch your step. Tom and I are a team. Our marriage is rock solid. Nothing you ever do will break us up. Annabel: Then why are you down here warning me? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Church -Day] Reverend: Gabrielle! What brings you down here? (Gabrielle looks sheepish.) Reverend: Oh, sweet mother of god, what have you done this time? (They walk, outside the church.) Reverend: You're pregnant? Gabrielle: Yes. And its impossible, I'm on the pill-which you probably think is a sin, but it works. It's a 99.9% effective sin. Reverend: Maybe it's in that one tenth of a percent that god resides.
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Gabrielle: You couldn't wait to throw that in, could you? Look, god is screwing with me! He doesn't like the way I live my life, so he's punishing me. Reverend: Have you done something that would warrant being punished? (Gabrielle gives the reverend a look that comes across as "Yeah, the same old stuff".) Reverend: The gardener? I thought that was over. Gabrielle: No, it was-You just had to be there. But, my point is, that I'll be an awful mother. I'm selfish and I'm self-centred. And the only person more self-centred than me is Carlos! I mean, he's so self-centred that he doesn't even know how self-centred I am! We'd be terrible parents! Reverend: Gabrielle, I'd like to help, but I'm not sure what you want. Gabrielle: I want to know who to be angry at. Reverend: Here's a thought.Don't be angry. Be thankful. Children are a gift, are they not? (Gabrielle throws him a look of "yeah right"!!!) Gabrielle: I don't have time for this crap. I have a party to plan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Wisteria Lane-Britt Building Site-Day] (Edie is talking with two of her workmen.) Edie (to workmen as they leave): Thanks. Lynette: Edie, hi. Edie: Hi. Lynette: Wow, things are really coming along. Edie: Yeah, slowly and expensively. Lynette: It'll be worth it. You're doing an amazing job. (Lynette runs out of small talk and cuts to the chase.) Lynette: Look, you're basically a predator and I need your advice. (Edie looks intrigued.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Britt Building Site-Day] (Lynette and Edie are sitting down having a heart to heart about Lynette's problems.) Lynette: And I know Tom loves me, but I don't trust this woman. I think there's an agenda there. I don't know, maybe I'm being paranoid. Edie: No, no. You did the right thing by coming to me. There are two ways to approach this. Well, first I have to ask, what kind of shape is this woman in? Lynette: Fantastic shape. She's gorgeous. Edie: Okay, now there's really only one way to approach this. You're going to have to act fast. Lynette: I'm listening. Edie: Well, it's really pretty simple. When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend. Lynette: I thought you said you didn't have any female friends? Edie: Well, I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman either. The point is, keep your friends closeLynette:-and your enemies closer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House -Living Room-Day] (Tom is sitting on the sofa playing with the baby and looking really happy. Lynette comes home after her conversation with Edie.)
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Lynette: Tom, we're having a dinner party. I'm thinking of inviting Annabel. (She nods. Glad she's decided how she is going to deal with the Annabel problem) (He looks after, totally shocked.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Young House -Bathroom -Day] (Zach splashes water on his face as he argues with his dad.) Zach: We're not moving! Paul: Susan knows something. Edie saidZach: I don't care what Edie Britt said! I'm not leaving Julie. Paul: You want to risk our lives, our future, over some school yard crush? Zach: It's more than that, Julie loves me. Paul: Then why does she refuse to see you? Zach: Mrs Mayer lies to her. If it wasn't for that she would be with me. Paul: Are you sure? You know Julie's a very special girl. Zach: I know. Paul: And she could have just about any boy she wanted. I think you're a wonderful kid, I really do, but you're not that special, Zach. Not really. Zach: She kissed me. Paul: Lately? (Zach looks down, knowing his argument for staying is falling apart.) Paul: Let's just pack our bags and get out of here. We can leave this whole mess behind, we can start over. And there will be other girls, I promise. Zach: No. Paul: (Grabs Zach by the arm, forcing him to stay and listen to him) If Susan goes to the police, they will take me away, they will take you away. Don't you get that? Zach: If Julie doesn't love me anymore, it doesn't matter. (Paul lets go of him) None of it matters. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen -Night] (Laughter and familiar conversation,we're at the end of Lynette's dinner party.) Annabel: McGruger had absolutely no idea what was going on. During the entire ship for the Phaser campaign, he was practically holding Benson's hand. Tom: After the way that Bernam screwed him over, I'd be nervous too,my god. Annabel: That was awful. (Annabel reaches out for Tom's hand. We see Lynette over their joined hands -she does not look impressed by what is going on.) Lynette: Excuse me. I need to get in here,so I can clear the plates. Tom: You want some help with that? Lynette: I'm good. (She picks up the plates, and as she turns she sees the boys watching them.) Looks like we're got some company. (Shot of the three boys sitting on the stairs in their pyjamas, watching their parents.) Tom: Hey, guys, isn't it time for bed? Lynette: They never get to see you, let them stay up for a while. Tom: Okay. C'ere. C'ere I want you to meet someone. This is Miss Foster. Annabel: Hi. Lynette: She is an old, OLD friend of your daddy's. Annabel: What have you got there?
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Porter (wondering,'cos I can never get the boy's name straight): It's a picture we painted. Annabel: Let me have a look at that. Porter: It's a picture of all of us with mommy and daddy, we're really happy. (This sounds very rehearsed.) Annabel: That is so adorable. When did you do that? Porter: Today, mommy told us to. Lynette (Nervous laughter): I just told them to paint something nice, the sentiment is all theirs. Porter: But you told us tooLynette: Hold on, honey, grown ups are talking. Annabel: Well, this is really neat. How would you guys like to paint my portrait some day? Porter: Sure, you're really pretty. Lynette (Isn't amused by this, and realises this isn't working): Okay, great. Like your dad said, it's time for bed. (Tom playfully chases the boys upstairs.) Annabel: I must say, Lynette, your home is warm and inviting, your children are absolutely precious. This whole evening was practically a commercial for the perfect family. Lynette: You think? Annabel: You couldn't have planned it any better. And I mean that. (looks very smug) Lynette: Good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House -Night] (It's pitch black, and Susan is putting rubbish in the bin. As she puts the lid down, we see Paul just standing there very close to Susan, silently watching her.) Susan: Uh! (she's startled.) Paul: Hello Susan. Susan: Paul, hi. (Susan looks around, desperately searching for someone, so that she won't be alone with the man who scares her.) Paul: I understand you and Edie went snooping through my house. Susan: Huh? (acts dumb) Paul: It's okay, I'm not mad. So what do you want to know about Angela? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Young House -Living Room -Night] (Susan is sitting at the table, as Paul brings over two cups of coffee.) Paul: Angela was Mary Alice's birth name, she was named after her aunt Angela. When she was a teenager, they had a falling out, so she changed her name to Mary Alice. This was before we were married, so sorry if I'm hazy on the details. Susan: That's it? That's the explanation? (not quite believing what she's hearing) Paul: Ridiculously simple, isn't it? Susan: She changed her name because of her aunt? That just doesn't seem like something Mary Alice would do. Paul: Neither does suicide, but we both know she did it. So can we finally put this behind us, or do you need to break into my home for anything else? Susan: No. I'm good, thanks. (gets up to leave) Susan: Although if you wouldn't mind, I'm really like to see that video tape I found, the one marked "Angela". It'd be nice to see Mary Alice when she was young. Paul: I'm afraid that box of tapes was thrown out with the trash.
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Susan: (knows she's caught him out) Alright then. Paul: Susan, I'm serious when I say I hope you'll leave my family alone now. This endless suspicion of yours is becoming very tiring. Susan: I couldn't agree more. (Paul closes the door behind Susan, not sure whether he's done more harm than good.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House -Living Room -Night] (The Scavos and Annabel are having coffee after dinner, when a cell phone starts ringing.) Annabel: That's my cell, sorry. Oh god, it's Peterson. Tom: Peterson? (Annabel leaves the room to take the call in private.) Tom (to Lynette): So that was quite a show you put on tonight. Lynette: Show? Tom: The boys' paintings, all those references to how Happy we are. Lynette: What's wrong with subtly reminding Annabel that you're happily married? Tom: Because it wasn't subtle. And it was insulting to me. Lynette: I did not mean it that way. Tom: Are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap? Lynette: Keep your voice down! Tom: It doesn't matter if she has feelings for me, as long as I am not interested. Have I ever given you any reason to doubt me? Lynette: Anyone is capable of anything. The first time we ever met, you were cheating! Tom: With you! Cheating with YOU! Lynette: It's a pattern of behaviour. Tom: Argh! Give me a break! Lynette: Well, what am I supposed to do? You hire your old girlfriend and you don't tell me for three months? Tom: I could have told you from day one and you would still be jumping down my throat. (Lynette goes to defend her actions.) Tom: No, Annabel is ancient history. Lynette: She's in the next room. Tom: How long do we have to be married, Lynette? How long until you actually trust me? Lynette: I trust you. Tom: How many times have you said to me that "if you so much as touch another woman, I will take the boys and I will walk out of here and you will never see us again"? Lynette: (in a "don't be silly" voice) Well, that's just something that wives say to their husbands. Tom: Not all wives. God, Lynette, you're just so convinced that I'm going to be unfaithful, it makes me sick. The distrust, the paranoia-it seems that you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right! (Lynette looks shocked and Tom realises what he said.) Tom: Wait, forget I said that. Lynette: It's too late. You said it. Tom: Well, then just consider it something that husbands say to their wives. (The two of them just stand there as Annabel returns from her telephone conversation.) Annabel: Well, Peterson's on cloud nine, he discovered some inside scoop on the metro account. The bad news is, we're going to have to redo the entire presentation. Tom: Tonight?
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Annabel: We need it first thing in the morning. Peterson says we might be pulling an all-nighter. Tom: I can't drive, I've been drinking. Annabel: I'll drive. C'on. Tom: Thanks. Annabel: Don't worry Lynette, I'll deliver him back to you as soon as I can. Lynette: Please do. (But she doesn't look as if she's quite convinced this is what she wants.) (Tom and Annabel leave.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis' Garden -Day] (Party noise -the garden is very bright & colourful and the barbeque is in full swing.) Carlos: Honey, take over for a minute, I just want to make a speech. Make sure they stay pink like that. (Gabrielle takes over flipping burgers at the grill. The smell is making her nauseous again and she covers her nose.) Susan: Are you okay? Gabrielle: Yeah, I just didn't realise how disgusting meat could be. Carlos: Everyone, I just wanted to say that it means a lot to me that everyone came. As you all know, in a few days I'll be taking a little government sponsored vacation. Luckily for me, breakfast is included. Julie: (Julie sees Paul and Zach entering the party) Oh god. (The two families see each other and smile awkwardly.) Carlos: The bottom line is...I'm going away to jail. And when a man goes away to jail, which I hope none of you here will ever have to do, he sees who his friends really are. So thanks. Crowd: Cheers. here, here. (Everyone raises their glasses to the toast.) (Gabrielle feels sick again, covers her mouth and runs away from the BBQ. She runs past Sophie, grabbing the bottle of champagne she was holding and into the house.) Sophie: Excuse you. (George and Ginger enter the party.) (George is being really mean to Ginger.) George: Stay put until I need you. Don't talk to anybody and for god's sake, don't get drunk. Ginger: You know, I was meant to go to my cousin's wedding today. George: It's not a wedding, it's a commitment ceremony. Now sit down and-try to fit in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis' House -Bathroom-Day] (Gabrielle in the bathroom upstairs. She pushes closed the window and switches on the extractor fan. She is feeling really sick and leans over the sick.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis' House-Party-Day] (Zach doesn't seem to have heard anything that Julie or Susan has been telling him at this point. he's still acting like he and Julie are going out.) Zach: I brought you a hot dog. Julie: No thanks, I'm full. Zach: There's a croquet set, you want to go hit some balls? (makes a motion of hitting a croquet ball and a clucking noise) Julie: No. Zach: That's fine. We can just sit here Julie: (finally gets mad at his stalker) Zach, I don't want to be your girlfriend. I don't want to hang out with you. I just want you to leave me alone. Okay?
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Zach: Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Solis' House-Bathroom -Day] (Gabrielle pours herself a drink from the bottle she brought with her. Looks at it, dying to drink it, but resigned to her fate pours it into the sink. She takes her birth control pills out of a drawer and looks at them, she's mad at them for not working and starts banging at them with her hand. As she does this, the back of the pill packed starts to come off all in one piece. She sees this and picks them up for a closer inspection. She figures out that it means that somebody had been messing with her pills.) Mary Alice Voiceover: In that moment, while looking at the pills that had so obviously been tampered with, Gabrielle's nausea was suddenly replaced by an even stronger sensation. Rage. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis' House-Garden-Day] (Zach pours himself a glass of punch and watches Julie talking with some friends and hugging hello to a male friend. He looks sad.) (George is walking around the party looking for Bree. They spot each other. Bree is glad that George came and George's face lights up at seeing her.) (Rex sees George and grabs his arm, stopping him. George's drink splashes across Rex's T-shirt.) Rex: What are you doing? George: I'm so sorry, that was an accident. Rex: Answer my question. What are you doing here? George: I was invited. Rex: By who? George: You know what, Dr Van De Kamp, I don't believe I have to answer to you. Rex: See, I think you do. (Bree approaches them, sees the drink on Rex's shirt and seeks an explanation.) Bree: What is going on here? Rex: He crashed the party. This guy is clearly not taking no for an answer. Bree: It's okay. George has a girlfriend. You brought her, didn't you? Rex: You do not have a girlfriend. George: I do so, she's right over there. (He points to Ginger, who is standing at the buffet table, stuffing her face and looking completely out of place. She waves nervously at the people looking at her.) Rex: (disbelieving) That's his girlfriend?! Bree: See? You were worried for nothing. George: So anytime you want to apologise? Bree: Come on, Rex, you owe George some sort of a gesture. (Bree is talking to George, apologising for Rex's behaviour.) (Rex can't believe what he's hearing and that Bree is falling for what George tells her. he starts to walk away but turns back.) Rex: What the hell? (Rex pushes George backwards. George stumbles and grabs hold of Bree to steady himself. They both tumble into the pool behind them.) (Shots of Ginger laughing, and everyone at the party looking to see what all the commotion is. Rex looks pretty amused by it all too.) (Bree and George surface in the pool.) Bree: Rex, have you lost your mind?
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Rex: To be fair, I only pushed him. (Cut to Gabrielle rushing out of the house. She marches up to Carlos, waving the tampered with pills in his face.) Gabrielle: Carlos, you son of a bitch! I am pregnant and it's all your fault! (Gabrielle slaps him across the face. Carlos looks incredibly shocked at first. But once she leaves, he smiles and takes a sip of his margarita.) Edie: Wow, this is turning into one helluva party. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Solis House-Day] (Gabrielle is sitting outside looking worried. Susan come out of the party to check on her friend.) Susan: Are you okay? Gabrielle: I think I can honestly say, no, I'm not. Susan: I'm so sorry. Gabrielle: Thanks. Susan: But you know what they say about kids:that you can't imagine having them until you do and then you can't imagine life without them? It's true. (Susan gets up to comfort her friend.) Susan: All I'm saying is that maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Gabrielle: I don't know who the father is. Susan: What? Gabrielle: Yeah. Susan: So you mean you and John have still been? Gabrielle: Yeah. Susan: Gabby! Gabrielle: No, I know, Susan. I don't know what I'm going to do. (Susan's house explodes, with flames shooting out from the kitchen window.) Susan: OH MY GOD. Oh my god, that's my house! Gabrielle: I'll call 911. Susan(in hysterics): Yes! That's my house! (Susan runs across the street towards her house. She can't believe what she's seeing.) Susan: Oh oh oh, my, look! my kitchen! Oh, it's a big fire! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer's House-Burned Out Kitchen-Day] (The three generations of women living in the house come into the kitchen and are shocked by the destruction in the kitchen.) Fireman: It turns out someone left the gas on with a candle burning. Susan: That's not possible, we don't burn candles during the day. Sophie: Well, I did have a French vanilla candle burning earlier. But I'm almost positive I blew it out. (Susan looks at her condemningly.) Fireman: You're almost positive? (Sophie thinks hard about whether or not she blew the candle out. And mimes blowing out a candle.) Sophie: Yes! Yes I did. I think. Fireman: Look, you're lucky the fire was contained. The damage could have been far more extensive. (Susan looks away from the Fireman and surveys the damage. She looks out the window. She sees Paul standing on his porch across the street staring at their house. He catches her eye and goes inside.) Fireman: You've got to be more careful.
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(Susan looks really scared as she thinks that Paul set the "bomb" in her house.) Susan: (turns to the fireman) Don't worry, we will be. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT: Pharmacy- Day] (George is sorting through the medication when he turns and sees Bree approaching him.) George: Bree, Hi. Bree: Hi. You left the party so quickly I didn't have the chance to apologise to you for what Rex did. Oh, George, I'm so sorry he humiliated you in front of all those people. I don't know what got into him. George: Isn't it obvious? He hates me. Bree: No, he doesn't hate you. He hardly knows you, and you don't even really know him. George: Well, I know this much, he's not going to let us be friends. Bree: Well, that's not his choice to make. George: What if he asks you not to see me anymore? What if he orders you not to? Bree: Well, I decide who I need in my life, and I've decided that I need you. And that's all there is to it. George: He could make it awfully difficult for you to spend time with me. Bree (conspiratorially):Well, who says he has to know how I spend my free time? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer's House-Susan's drawing board-Day] (Susan is sitting at her easel, not drawing but thinking. She reaches for the yellow pages and flicks through it until she reaches private investigators. She stops at Hafts Detective Agency. She makes up her mind, rips the page out of the book and leaves the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT - Hafts Detective Agency-Day] (Susan is sitting in the detective agency, meeting with the PI that Paul Young has hired in the past.) Susan (voice over into next scene): I'm having trouble with the family across the street. I think one of them may have set a fire in my house, and I don't know why, but I feel like it might have something to do with my friend who killed herself. I called the police, but they didn't take me seriously. This family has a secret, a bad secret. I think I'm in over my head. I need you to find out everything you can about Paul Young and his family. Do you think you can help me? PI: As a matter of fact, I know I can. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Day] (We see establishing shots of the street, a man walking his dog and we zoom in on a flower bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Spring comes every year to Wisteria Lane. But not everyone remembers to stop and smell the flowers. Mary Alice Voiceover: Some are too worried about the future-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Wisteria Lane-Outside Scavo's House -Day] (Shots of Lynette sitting outside her house, holding the baby as Tom comes out in a suit and heads off to work. He drops a kiss on her head, but walks off pretty quickly. Lynette looks after him worriedly.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or mistakes they've made in the past-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Wisteria Lane-Outside Solis' House-Day] (shots of Gabrielle sitting outside her house reading a magazine. She puts the magazine down and places a hand over her belly, thinking about the baby inside.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Others are preoccupied with not getting caught QQ1661866800
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Van De Kamp' House-Day] (Shots of George waiting for Bree, who approaches him, looks around to check she's not being followed then links arms with him and walks off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or thinking of ways to catch someone else. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer' House-Day] (Shots of a builder bringing a window to fix Susan's broken ones) Susan: (excited) Window. (She lets him into her house and as she goes to close the door behind her she sees Paul Young in his garden across the street looking at her. She hesitates, then closes the door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Still there will always be a few who remember to take a moment and appreciate what spring has given them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Mrs Tilman's Garden -Day] (shots of Mrs Tilman planting flowers among her garden gnomes and enjoying herself.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Just as there will always be those who prefer to sit in the dark, brooding over everything they have lost. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Young House-Zach's Bedroom -Day] (Whilst it is day, Zach's bedroom is very dark. He's lying on his bed sulking and playing with a lighter, letting it burn. He's staring very intently (without blinking) at his bedroom chest of drawers, which contains a series of photos of Julie (school photos and a series of blown up snaps where she didn't know she was being watched) and a candle: a sort of shrine to Julie.) ~ The End ~
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 1X21: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] (Sophie and Susan are making dinner.) Sophie: I left Morty. (Susan turns around shocked at what her mother said.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Susan's mother left quite an impression. [EXT :Car Park of Morty's Restaurant-Day] (Susan turns around to look out the restaurant window at her mother and Morty's attempt at reconciliation-where Sophie ends up biting him on the arm.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree made a secret commitment. [INT : Pharmacy-Day] George: He's not going to let us be friends. Bree: Who says he has to know how I spend my free time? Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle made a discovery.
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[INT:Solis House -Bathroom - Day] (Gabrielle hits her birth control pills and finds they've been tampered with.) [EXT:Solis House -Garden -Day] (Gabrielle walks up to Carlos and slaps him across the face.) Gabrielle: I am pregnant and it is all your fault. Mary Alice Voiceover: Tom made a mistake. [INT: Peterson's -Tom's Office-Day] (Tom is in the very awkward situation of having his jealous wife watching him with his playful ex-girlfriend.) [INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Night] Lynette: You hired your old girlfriend and you didn't tell me for three months? Mary Alice Voiceover: And Susan made an appointment. [INT:Mayer House-Drawing Board-Day] (Susan flicks through the Yellow Pages.) [INT:Hafts Detective Agency -Day] Susan: Do you think you can help me? PI: As a matter of fact, I know I can. End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Sophie's Bedroom-Night] (Sophie is sat cross legged on a chair in her bedroom thinking about the past. She's looking at her old engagement rings which are kept in a box and she looks very sad.) Mary Alice Voiceover: When she was younger, Sophie Bremner was a hopeless romantic. She was also hopelessly na e, which was how she came to be married four times. [INT:Casino-Night] (A smartly dressed man slides an engagement ring across the table to a young Sophie with long straight hair who has her back to us.) Mary Alice Voiceover: The first time to a man who liked to gamble. [INT:Bar -Night] (A man dressed in a tacky blue suit slides an engagement ring across the bar to a young Sophie with short curly hair, and then takes a drink.) Mary Alice Voiceover: The second time to a man who liked to drink. [INT:Restaurant -Night] (A man with long blond hair and a moustache, dressed in a bright shirt open to the chest which reveals a gold medallion slides an engagement ring across the table to a young Sophie with very short hair and gives her a huge smile.) Mary Alice Voiceover: The third time to a man who liked other men. [INT:Bar-Night] (Ex-husband number 2 slides an engagement ring across the bar to a young Sophie with long curly hair, and then takes a drink.) Mary Alice Voiceover: And the fourth time to the same man she married the second time. [INT:Mayer House-Sophie's Bedroom-Night] (Sophie sadly touches her collection of engagement rings.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken. So she decided she would never get married again. (Sophie closes the lid on the box of rings.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover: And then one nightMorty: (offscreen) Sophie! Mary Alice Voiceover: -she had visitor. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House-Night] (Morty is standing in the Mayer Garden shouting at the house.) Morty: Sophie! [INT:Mayer House-Sophie's Bedroom -Night] (Sophie goes to the window to see whats going on.) [EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House -Night] (Susan opens the door, confused by whats happening.) Susan: Morty? What are you doing? Morty: I need to talk to Sophie.. Susan: NOW? Are you drunk? Morty: Just a little bit. (Susan ushers Morty inside.) Morty: How are you? [INT:Mayer House -Sophie's Bedroom -Night] (Sophie is still at the window. She bites her lip wondering what's going on. We see her creep downstairs to listen in on the conversation.) [INT:Mayer House-Living Room-Night] Morty: I've got to speak to Sophie. Susan: Are you crazy? It's one o'clock in the morning. She's sleeping. Morty:I'm gonna ask her to marry me. Susan: What? Morty: I thought I could be happy. The restaurant is starting to make money. I just bought a new jet ski. My cholesterol is down. But none of it is any fun without her. (Shots of Sophie listening at the door, her face lights up at what he says.) Susan: Ah, Morty. I just don't think it's going to happen. She's moved on. Why don't you sit down, I'll call you a cab. (Sophie enters into the room.) Morty: Sophie. Sophie: (quietly reprimanding him) Your doctor told you not to drink. Morty: Well, there are times when you need liquid courage. (Morty hands her the engagement ring. Sophie gushes over it, then recognises it and her face falls.) Sophie: Did this ring belong to Delores? Susan: You gave her your dead wife's ring? Morty: (to Susan) It's a three carat diamond. She shouldn't care if it's used. Morty: (to Sophie) So what do you say, Soph? Sophie: Alright. Morty: (excited) Really?! Susan: (can't believe it) Really???!!!! Sophie: Yeah. (Morty goes to hug Sophie, but she stops him.) Sophie: (whispers) But you've got to do it officially,you know. (Sophie points down, so that he'll get down on one knee.)
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Morty: Oh! Oh, um. (Morty looks to Susan for help-he's getting on a bit and needs help getting down on one knee - Susan provides a cushion for his knee and something to lean on as he goes down.) Morty: Sophie, will you do me the honour of marrying me? (All through this Sophie is smiling down at him.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Sophie Bremner was still a hopeless romanticSophie: On one condition. Tomorrow we trade this in for a ring of my own and I want a bigger diamond than Delores got. (Morty looks at Susan behind him-thinking what have I let myself in for. Susan just smiles back at him.) Mary Alice Voiceover: -but she was no longer na e. (While the happy couple gaze happily at each other, Susan has a look on her face that shows she clearly thinks they are crazy.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(shots of the various couple's wedding photos) [Paul and Mary Alice Young's wedding photo] Mary Alice Voiceover: Marriage is a simple concept. [Bree and Rex VAN DE KAMP's wedding photo] Mary Alice Voiceover: Basically it is a contract between two people[Lynette and Tom Scavo's wedding photo] Mary Alice Voiceover: -That binds them together for life[Gabrielle and Carlos Solis' wedding photo] Mary Alice Voiceover: -In the hopes that they can live happily ever after. [INT:Solis House-Living Room-Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: Sadly some contracts(The shot pans out and we see a plate smash against the wall, and Carlos ducks from the shards.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-are meant to be broken. (We see Gabrielle getting ready to hurl another plate in Carlos' direction.) Carlos: I didn't mess with your birth control. Gabrielle: Oh, really?! Carlos: Really! (Gabrielle puts the plate down and shows Carlos the tampered with pill packet.) Gabrielle: Look! It's been pulled apart and glued back together. Carlos: It's probably a manufacturing defect. Gabrielle: You can still see the glue marks! Carlos: I'm telling you I didn't do it. Gabrielle: Don't insult me, Carlos! You've been whining about wanting a baby for months. Who else could it have been? Carlos: Oh?I?(has a brainwave and sees a way to get out of the bad situation) Oh, No. Gabrielle: What? Carlos: Mama! Gabrielle: Oh, please! Carlos: It's possible. You buy that stuff in bulk, six months at a time, right? Gabrielle: Yeah, so? Carlos: Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child. And she said that she would take care of it. I
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just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry. (cue dramatic music while we pause for a second -will Gabrielle buy his excuse or not?) Gabrielle: That Bitch! I can't believe her! Carlos: I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. She could be very controlling. Gabrielle: Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she's good. Carlos: Where are you going? Gabrielle: I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits. (Gabrielle puts on her sunglasses and walks out of the house. Carlos sighs with relief and falls backwards on to the sofa.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] (Lynette is feeding the baby and is looking completely bedraggled. Tom is fusing about getting ready for work.) Tom: Honey, I'm going to be late home tonight. Peterson wants to take a bunch of us out for drinks. Lynette: Oh, that's fine. I wanted to talk to you about something. Tom: What? (Car honks outside.) Lynette: That's your car pool. You've got to go, never mind. Tom: Lynette, what is it? Lynette: It's nothing. Tom: Okay. Lynette: It's just(Tom is about to escape without the talk but stays.) Lynette: We haven't had sex in ten days. And the longest we've ever gone before is nine. (Car honks impatiently outside.) Tom: Are you sure? (glances at the door) Didn't we do it last Thursday? Lynette: We started to but then *huh* you fell asleep. Tom: Is this why you're so worried? 'Cos we can do it tonight if you want to. Lynette: Whatever. Tom: No. I've got ten days pent up in me. We are doing it tonight. You've got nothing to worry about. (goes to leave) Tom: Oh, crap. You know what, I forgot my briefcase. Can you tell them I'll be right there? (sorry but Lynette is totally deluded if she's referring to his ex-girlfriend as the car pool.) Annabel: Hi, Lynette, is Tom nearly ready? Lynette: Yeah, he's just getting his briefcase. (Annabel's phone beeps, she stands aside looking totally cool in her gorgeous suit, cleavage showing top and perfect hair as she checks her message, while Lynette stands at the door feeling frumpy.) Tom: Bye. Lynette: Bye. Annabel: Bye. (to Lynette as she breezes out the door with her husband.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Mayer Drive -Day] (Sophie stands by the car staring at her engagement ring, while Morty is piled up with boxes packing up Sophie's stuff into the car.) Morty: I got it. I got it.
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Sophie: (to her daughter and granddaughter) Thank you for having me. I'm going to miss you both so much. (three way hug) Susan: Us too. The house will seem just empty without you Julie: Can't you guys stay just a little bit longer? Susan: Oh no. No no no. They want to get their new life together started. We don't want to hold these two crazy kids back. (laughs) (Susan literally opens the car door and puts her mother inside!!) Susan: Bye, Morty. Morty: Listen, I hope it's okay, but your mom told me some of the stuff that you've been going through with the plumber guy across the street. Susan: She did, huh? Morty: Don't give up on him. If I had given up I wouldn't be here now with this lovely lady. Susan: Did she tell you that he served time in prison for manslaughter? Morty: No. No, she left that part out. Susan: I don't suppose she told you he was a drug dealer? Morty: I don't recall that. Sophie: Will you stop? You don't know the whole story. Susan: Mother! Sophie: I went over there and told him how much you love him. Susan: What? What were you thinking? Julie: (asking the right question) What did he say? Susan: Yeah, what did he say? Sophie: I think I walked in on him at a very bad time. Someone close to him had just died. Susan: (sympathetically) Oh god, really? Sophie: He could use a shoulder to cry on. (Susan seems torn about what to do.) Sophie: Can I have one more hug. Please? I can't stand this! (As the three women hug again, Susan looks over her mother's shoulder and watches Mike come out of his house to collect his mail.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Restaurant-Night] (Bree and George are having dinner in a restaurant.) Bree: mmmh! Oh, George, you have GOT to taste this. It's a little messy but.. (Bree picks up a forkful of her dinner for George to try.) George: Is that fennel seed? Its fantastic. Bree: I don't know. But anything that good has got to be sinful. (They both laugh.) George: Isn't this fun? Trying different dishes, opening the mind to new experiences. Bree: Rex just hates these cooks tours. He likes to stay at home with the same old spaghetti and mug of root beer. George: So how about this marinara sauce? I think it's the best I've ever had. Bree: I've had one better, in Italy. George: You've been to Italy? Bree: Yes. Rex and I took a vacation there, right before the kids were born. We had so much fun in those first few years. I guess it was easier to be happy back then. I can't believe I just said that- (tries to make a joke out of it) no more wine for me.
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George: We should go to Italy. Bree: What? George: That'd be a hoot. All those museums and cathedrals. It's fantastic for tourists. We could just make pigs of ourselves. Bree: I can't go on a trip with you, George. George: Why not? Bree: Because I'm married! People would talk. George: You're right. I'm sorry. It was a bad idea. Bree: Oh, don't worry about it. Here I want you to try one of these clams. I bet they're as good as the marinara sauce. (Bree picks up more food on her fork and feeds it to George. As she does this, she spots Edie at another table and waves. Edie's making suggestive eyes at Bree as if she's caught her at something she shouldn't be.) George: You are absolutely right. When it's that good, it's got to be sinful. (It begins to dawn on Bree how this would appear to other people.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Scavo House -Living Room-Night] (The boys are watching TV in the living room. Lynette rushes in and switches off the TV.) Lynette: Okay, you boys, it's seven o'clock. Time for bed. (protests from the boys) Parker: Why do we have to be in bed so early. Lynette: I told you, honey, daddy and I have a special meeting tonight. The boys: Ew! Lynette: (blows them a kiss) I love you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House-Entrance-Night] (Tom comes home from work, pulls at his tie and checks the mail. Lynette basically jumps on him, hugging him from behind.) Tom: (Surprised) Woah! Tom: Hi. Lynette: Hi. (She's kissing him all over.) Tom: Wow. Okay, this is the tenth day. Honey, just give me a second to let the office wear off. (Lynette steps back for a second.) Tom: Alright, I'm in. (They're all over each other, until Tom suddenly stops.) Lynette: What are you thinking? Tom: I was just wondering what that smell was. Lynette: Oh. Oh, it's probably baby drool. (pulls off her sweater) Lynette: There, now you have easier access. (falls backwards onto the sofa) Tom: Incoming. (jumps over the sofa to join her) (They start making out again until Tom stops again, pulling a disgusted face.) Lynette: What? Tom: Wow, that smell really soaked through, didn't it? Lynette: Yes. It soaked through a little. That is the nature of baby sick. Do you want me to wear a haz-mat suit
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or are you going to be okay? Tom: No no no. I just like it when you're all clean and you wear sexy clothes. Lynette: (laughs) I don't own anything clean (hits him with his tie) or sexy (and again). Everything is either covered in baby spit (and again) or chunks (and again) or covered in crayon. (and again) Tom: Okay okay okay. I'm sorry. Lynette: You make me feel like I just got off the shrimp boat, for god's sake. Tom: Honey, I said I'm sorry. It's just that guys sometimes like it when their women put a little effort into things. (Lynette is really deflated by this.) Tom: Okay. Um. Can we just go back to the kissing thing? Please can we try that? Lynette: Fine. (They kiss -Lynette wraps her legs around Tom and they're just getting into it when-) (Off screen the baby starts crying.) Preston (offscreen): The baby's up. Lynette: Okay, off! Parker (offscreen): MOM! MOM! (Lynette goes to tend to the baby, and Tom lies on the sofa upset that their night isn't going as planned.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT: PI's Car-Night] Paul: Susan Mayer hired you?! PI: I know. She decided to stop poking around in your life and called me of all people. Lucky for you I've got the biggest ad in the phone book. Paul: What am I going to do? PI: Run. Pack up your kid and get out of town. Paul: That's tricky. My son doesn't want to move. He can be pretty insistent. PI: Well, I can throw her off the scent for a little while. Paul: Fine. PI: Alright then. Tell me exactly what it is you want this woman to believe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Mayer House-Day] PI: She was born Angela. When she was a teenager she changed her name to Mary Alice. Now on her application it says that she was named after a relative that she no longer speaks to. Here's her birth certificate and her Utah petition for a legal name change. Susan: What about Dana? PI: There was a record of another child. A girl, Dana Marie Young. She died at 18 months, apparently in some kind of a fall. Susan: It was all true. Everything he said. How could I have been so wrong? PI: Well, I'm going to need a cheque. Susan: Oh, of course. (goes to fetch her cheque book from her purse) Susan: Actually, before you go I need you to check into someone else's background. There's this plumber I know? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT: Park-Day] (John is raking up leaves and collecting them in bags when Gabrielle approaches him.) John: Hi, did you get my messages? Gabrielle: Yeah, but I wanted to talk to you in person. I have some potentially upsetting news.
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John: Come on, Mrs Solis, you can tell me. I can handle it. Gabrielle: I'm pregnant and it might be yours. (John freaks out -kicking over bags of leaves and screaming while Gabrielle tries to stay out of his way. Time passes.) (Gabrielle is now sat on the lawnmower while John stomps around, still freaked out.) John: Man, I can barely afford my new dirt bike. How am I gonna afford child support? Gabrielle: We don't even know for sure if i'ts yours, so relax. Okay, and I didn't come here to watch you freak out. John: So why did you come here? Gabrielle: I wanna make sure you'll let me protect you. John: From who? Gabrielle: Um, Carlos? Your parents? John, something like this could ruin your life. That's why you have to keep quiet about our affair. There's no point in this catastrophe taking both of us down. John: Thank you. Gabrielle: Forget about it. John: I should've worn a condom. Gabrielle: Yeah, that would have been helpful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] Julie: You hired a private investigator? Susan: I can't trust Mike, and I wanted to find out what really happened. From a source that doesn't have an agenda. Now open it up. Julie: Okay. Are you ready? Susan: Go. (Julie goes to open the file and start reading.) Susan: Stop. Julie: What? Susan: If you find out something that's really bad, just try and put a positive spin on it. (Julie starts reading and Susan paces back and fore in the background. Time passes.) Julie: Okay. I have some good news and some bad news. Susan: Give me the bad news first. Julie: The guy Mike killed was a cop. Susan: Oh my god! Oh my god! (Susan's shocked by this and has her head in her hands. She tries to overcome her feelings to hear the good news and shakes her arms to psyche herself up for the next information.) Susan: Okay, give me the good news. Julie: There is none. Susan: What? Julie: You told me to spin it. I did the best I could. Susan: Oh, forget it. Just let me look at it myself. (Susan goes over and starts looking through the file herself. She looks through photocopies of press cuttings with headlines like "drug dealer kills cop" and "hundreds mourn for slain officer". Then she picks up an old picture of Mike in a prisoner's orange jump suit, he's outside of court and being taken off to jail by cops. In the background we see Noah Taylor and Kendra - his other daughter.) Susan: I don't believe it. Julie: What is it?
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Susan: I know her. (talking about Kendra) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT :Taylor House-Porch-Day] (Kendra in on the porch and as she looks around she sees her dad and Mike talking on a bridge in the grounds. She goes to confront them.) [EXT :Taylor House-Bridge-Day] Kendra: What's going on here? (The two men know they've been caught out.) Kendra: You two just can't stop, can you? Deirdre's dead. It doesn't matter who killed her. Just let it go. Mike: It's not that easy, Kendra. Kendra: Why? My sister hated you. Both of you. She said so. Noah: That was the drugs talking. Kendra: (sarcastic) Right, right. The drugs.Deirdre humiliated this family and threw our love back in our faces. She knew it and she couldn't have cared less. Noah: Are you done? Kendra: No. I want to know what you're planning. (Noah turns away from his daughter, so Mike steps up and challenges Kendra.) Mike: We're just talking. Kendra: I don't believe you. Mike: Then don't ask. (They stare each other out, and Kendra is the one who blinks first. She looks at her father as if she can't believe what he's doing and storms off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane - Day] Rex: Of course I don't want a new cardiologist, but Lee's been conducting tests for weeks. He should have been able to figure out what is wrong with me by now. Bree: But honey, we socialise with them. What am I going to say to Helen? Rex: All I know is that I've never felt worse. I've got to do something. (As Bree's about to get in the car she sees Edie walking on the other side of the street.) Bree: I um. I have to talk to Edie. Rex: But we're going to be late. Bree: Oh, it'll just take a second. I need to um, to get a recipe. (Bree runs across the street to talk to Edie.) Bree: Edie! Hi. Edie: Hi. Bree: I saw you at Alfredo's yesterday. Edie: Yes, I saw you too. Naughty, naughty. Bree: I beg your pardon? Edie: The guy. The one you were spoon-feeding. Not bad. A little petite for my taste but then again, I'm not the one sleeping with him. Bree: Okay, this is exactly what I was afraid of. George and I are just friends. Edie: Hey, I'm not judging you. I get it. I mean Rex was sticking it to that hooker housewife. It's pay-back time. Bree: You've got the wrong idea. That man is my pharmacist! Edie: You could have an affair with anyone and you choose a pharmacist? You are such a republican. Bree: I am not having an affair! George and I-we just talk. He's a very good listener and I share my hopes and dreams with him and my innermost thoughts. And that's all there is to it, and you have to believe me.
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Edie: Okay, I believe you. Bree: Thank you. I'm glad we cleared this up. I know that it must have looked strange and I didn't want you to think that I was cheating on my husband. Edie: But you sort of are. Bree: Excuse me? Edie: Oh, come on, Bree, you're telling this guy your innermost thoughts-your hopes and dreams. Sex aside it sounds like you're being pretty intimate with a guy who isn't your husband. Bree: Oh. Oh, I mean, everybody needs someone to talk to. Edie: So what's wrong with talking to Rex? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Tilman House-Kitchen-Day] ( Mrs Tilman is in the kitchen baking and is calling Zach.) Young answer phone message:We're not home, please leave a message. Mrs Tilman (on the phone-she's very smileful, but concerned): Hello, Zach? It's Felicia Timan. I do so enjoy our little visits and I haven't seen you in a few days. I hope everything's alright[INT:Young House-Kitchen -Day] (We see Paul listening to Felicia leaving the message, and decides to pick up the phone.) Paul (on the phone): Zach's not feeling well. [INT :Mrs Tilman's House -Kitchen-Day] Mrs Tilman (on the phone): (her voice immediately loses its cheerfulness when she hears Paul's voice) Oh. Paul. [INT :Young House-Kitchen-Day] Paul (on the phone): And I don't think it's appropriate that he spend so much time at your house. (He hangs up on Mrs Tilman.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Young House -Zach's Bedroom -Day] (Paul enters his son's room carrying a tray with two cups of cocoa on it.) Paul: I've made us some cocoa. How are you feeling? Zach: I've felt awful for two days now. I think I should see a doctor. (Zach reaches for the nearest cup of cocoa. Paul takes his hand and puts it around the other cup.) Paul: It's probably just a touch of the flu. I'll keep an eye on it. It's this house, Zach, I feel it too. It isn't healthy for us to stay here. Zach: I told you. I'm not moving. Paul: It would be for your own good. You can't keep running around doing the things you're doing.Susan Mayer's kitchen for example. People are going to catch on. Wouldn't it be great to just start over? Somewhere in the country maybe. You can make some new friends, maybe even meet a new girl. How about I let you sleep on it? (takes the mug of cocoa off the sleeping Zach) Paul: We'll talk about moving tomorrow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Shops-Day] Mary Alice Voiceover: The lack of passion in her marriage had become an unpleasant reality for Lynette. Then one day it occure d to her, that the best way to fight reality was with a bit of fantasy. Of course all the fantasy in the world won't do you anygood if nobody turns up to enjoy it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House-Living Room-Night]
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(Tom and his friend come home after a late night at work.) Tom's Co-worker: I really feel bad about putting you out like this, Tom. Tom: You're not putting anyone out. You've been flying all day. Why stay in some hotel? I just hope you don't mind sleeping on the(Both Tom and his friend stop and stare in shock at Lynette passed out in the maid's outfit on the sofa.) Tom:-sofa. Tom's Co-worker: Yep, the sofa should be fine. [INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] (Lynette is cleaning up the kitchen after feeding the hungry hoards.) Tom: Oh, hey honey, why don't you just let the maid get that? Lynette:Oh , ha ha ha. Not funny, Tom. Tom: By the way, Gary's showering. He asked if you could just bring him a clean towel and your riding crop. Lynette: Tom! (Lynette kicks Tom on the butt as she walks behind him.) Tom: Oh, come on! (Laughs) Lynette: No, I'm glad that you find my humiliation so entertaining. Tom: Honey, you were wearing a French Maid's costume! What were you thinking? Lynette: I was thinking that our marriage was in trouble and one of us should do something to fix it. Tom: (this totally blindsides Tom) Wow! Since when is our marriage in trouble? (Lynette looks over her shoulder at him.) Tom: Okay, so we haven't had sex in a few days? Big deal, it happens. (Car honks outside.) Lynette: That's Annabel, how ironic. Tom: How is Annabel relevant to this conversation? Lynette: Because she now comes to our house everyday to remind you of what I'm not. Tom: What?! Lynette: She's the fantasy, Tom, the hot woman that you work with everyday. With her manicured nails and designer outfits. I am the reality. The wife who never wears make-up and whose clothes smell like a hamper. Tom: This might be the stupidest thing you've ever said Lynette: I used to be the fantasy. There was a time when I didn't need a maid's outfit because I knew I was enough for you, even wearing a smelly T-shirt. And clearly, that's no longer the case. (She's nearly in tears having to have this conversation with her husband.) Tom: Okay, honey, I don't know what to say. If there's some way I can fix this I will do it. Just tell me and I'll do it. Lynette: No, there's nothing to fix. We've changed. That's all I'm saying. (The car honks outside again and Gary comes downstairs dressed for work.) Gary: Are you ready? (Tom looks back and fore between his wife and his workmate. He's torn about whether he should leave or stay and comfort his wife.) Lynette: You should go. You don't want to keep Annabel waiting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House-Bathroom-Day] (Carlos is soaking in the tub, which Gabrielle is pouring hot sauce into a bowl of Salsa.) Carlos: Hey, be careful with that. you'll give the baby heartburn. Gabrielle: I can't get it hot enough. My hormones are killing my taste buds.. Carlos: You've been paying more attention to your food than me lately.
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Gabrielle: I plan on getting really fat as a tribute to your mother. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis House -Day] (Gabrielle is outside pouring even more hot sauce into the Salsa. We see John's red truck pull up outside the house. Gabrielle sees him and tries to keep him away from the house.) Gabrielle: John! What are you doing? John: I've been doing some serious thinking about the baby. Gabrielle: Really? Why? John: Because there's a good chance that it's mine and if it is I want to do the right thing. Gabrielle: No, nobody expects you to do the right thing. John: Yeah, I kinda figured you might try and blow me off. That's why I'm going direct to Mr Solis. Gabrielle: What? Are you crazy? He would kill us both! John: He and I need to hash this out, man to man. It's what's best for the baby. Gabrielle: John! John: Well, are you going to go get him or am I? Gabrielle: (suddenly very calm) Alright. You win. Wait right here. (Gabrielle makes John stay outside as she slowly enters the house and closes the front door behind her. She pauses for a second at the door to collect herself, she suddenly runs upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House-Bathroom - Day] (Carlos is getting out of the tub, all covered in bubbles, when Gabrielle comes in.) Gabrielle: Don't get out. Carlos: Why? Gabrielle: Because I was going to get in. (Carlos looks confused.) Gabrielle: (flirting) Yeah. You see pregnant women have very strong urges. Carlos: Alright. Gabrielle: I'm going to freshen up, and I'll be right back. Carlos: Okay. Gabrielle: You sit. Sit! (She runs into the bedroom.) Gabrielle: I'm turning on some music. (The music starts and Carlos sinks back into the tub, very happy look on his face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis House-Day] (Gabrielle runs back down the stairs and sees John pacing on the front lawn. She goes outside and quickly locks the door before John can get into the house.) Gabrielle: Um, Carlos is unavailable at the moment. (John tries the door.) John: You're lying. Gabrielle: John, what are you doing? (John starts pounding on the door.) John: MR SOLIS! MR SOLIS! Open Up! Gabrielle: Stop it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Solis House -Bathroom - Day]
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(Shots of Carlos in the tub, the music is up loud enough that he can't hear what is going on outside. He's playing with a flannel.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis House -Day] (John is determined to get in the house though and isn't put off. He goes over to the chairs on the deck and picks one up, ready to throw it through the window.) Gabrielle: What the hell are you???? John: Mrs Solis, get out of the way. Gabrielle: John! John, you,you can't. (Gabrielle has been trying to stop him by putting herself between John and the window. But realising that isn't going to stop him, she reaches for the nearest thing to throw at him the salsa. She throws it in his face! It shocks John and he falls backwards over the edge of the porch and ends up flat on his back.) Gabrielle: (Screams) Oh my god! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT :Solis House -Bathroom - Day] (Carlos is still in the tub, oblivious to all the screaming outside. He's squirting water through his hands.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis House -Day] (Gabrielle checks that John is okay.) John: Oh god! It burns. Gabrielle: It's just salsa. John: Well, it feels like acid. Gabrielle: Really? I've been finding it so bland. John: MR SOLIS! MR SOLIS! COME OUT HERE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! Gabrielle: John! Stop! Shut the hell up! Listen to me, you are never going to be the father of this baby. No matter what the paternity tests say, it is Carlos' child. John: How can you say that? Gabrielle: Because Carlos can provide, John! He can give this baby everything. Piano lessons and summer camp and the best colleges. He can raise this child the way it deserves to be raised, you can't. John: This isn't about money. This is about what's best for the baby. Gabrielle: If you want what's best for the baby, you will help me. Help me make sure this baby doesn't grow up poor like I did. (We see Carlos come out of the house looking for Gabrielle.) Carlos: What is taking you???? (On hearing her husband, Gabrielle looks pleadingly at John not to say anything.) Carlos: Oh, hi, John. What are you doing here? Gabrielle: He, uhJohn: Justin was thinking the hydrangeas needed replacing, he wanted me to come by to get a second opinion. Carlos: Your friend, he's a good kid, but he's not half the gardener you were. You should come back and work for us. I mean you're practically family. John: Thank you, Mr Solis. (John looks at Gabrielle one last time and leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Mrs Tilman's House -Day] (Shots of Mrs Tilman sitting on her porch reading a book. She watches Paul Young come out of his house, get
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in his car and drive away. She goes over to the Young house. She rings the doorbell several times.) Mrs Tilman: Zach! Are you here? (We see (from the inside) Mrs Tilman lifting up the garage door and entering the house. Once inside she sees all the boxes. She goes upstairs to Zach's bedroom and finds him sprawled across his bed, face down. She rolls him over and checks if he's breathing and his pulse. Next we see her searching the downstairs trying to find what Paul has been giving to his son. She finds a bottle of pills inside an oven glove in the kitchen.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Young House -Zach's Bedroom-Day] Mrs Tilman: I have to do this, dear. I know you'll forgive me. (She slaps Zach across the face, and he reacts in shock to the slap.) (Shots of Mrs Tilman and Zach leaving the house, with Mrs Tilman holding up Zach.) (Back inside we see a letter left on the sideboard that says "Paul, Zach is with me, Felicia".) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Scavo House-Living Room-Night] (Lynette is sitting on the sofa, enjoying some quiet time and reading a magazine, when Tom comes home.) Tom: Hey. Lynette: Hey. Tom: Are the boys asleep? Lynette: Tucked in tight. Tom: And Penny? Lynette: Sound asleep. (Tom gets an egg timer out of his pocket, winds it up and places it on the arm of the sofa.) Tom: Okay, when this goes off, meet me in the bedroom. (He heads up the stairs.) Lynette: Tom, what is this? Tom: Not until it goes off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Outside Tom and Lynette's Bedroom-Night] (The egg timer goes off.) Lynette: (Sceptically) Alright?I'm coming in. (enters the bedroom and looks around. She sees Tom in the bathroom posing wearing just a thong.) Lynette: (squeals in delight at what she's seeing) Oh my god! Tom: (in an English {I think} accent) You want fantasy? I can do fantasy. (roars) Tom: Come to me, woman and prepare to be boarded. (Lynette is thrilled at the prospect!!) Tom: Please will you make it fast, these things are just chafing. (runs over to the bed and makes himself available to her) Lynette: You know, I kinda like it. Tom: Great. Kill the lights. (Lynette goes to switch off the lights then stops.) Lynette: No. Tom: PleaseLynette: No, I'm not turning off the lights. Tom: Please. Lynette: No. nononono. (Lynette straddles Tom and they kiss. She starts making playful noises at her husband.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Mrs Tilman's House-Kitchen-Night] (Mrs Tilman is having a cup of tea at the kitchen table when there's a knock at the door.) Mrs Tilman: It's open. (She turns to see who has entered.) Mrs Tilman: Oh, Paul, it's you. I'm so glad. I have some papers I want you to look at. Paul: Where is my son? Mrs Tilman: Upstairs. Sleeping off those tranquilizers you gave him. Paul: I don't know what you're doing but I'm taking my son and going. (turns to leave) Mrs Tilman: (sternly) I am not my sister, Paul. You do not want to screw with me. (At this, Paul stops and turns back to Mrs Tilman.) Mrs Tilman: (back to her normal voice) Martha kept a journal. (She starts to set out across the table a series of paper photocopies which have small writing all over them.) Mrs Tilman: Every drab event of her drab life meticulously recorded. Including her discovery that you and your wife stole a baby. A baby named Dana. (Paul picks up the papers and reads them.) Mrs Tilman: I'm sorry if the copies are hard to read. I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution seeing as you killed Martha and all. Would you like a cookie? (Paul sits down at the table.) Mrs Tilman: Suit yourself. Now I have a little proposition for you? Paul: These are the fantasies of a bored, lonely woman. They prove nothing. Mrs Tilman: The only reason the police haven't caught you yet is because they have no reason to suspect you. But once they find out that Martha was blackmailing Angela-sorry, Mary AlicePaul: What is it you want? Mrs Tilman: The same thing you want. For you to leave town, change your name and start your life over again somewhere far away from here. Paul: If you're so sure of yourself, why don't you just turn me in? Mrs Tilman: Because Zach would never forgive me. And it's important that we be on good terms-seeing as he's going to be living with me now. Paul: What? Mrs Tilman: Your bags are packed, you're about to become a fugitive! Is that the kind of life you want for your son? The two of you spending every night in a different town? No. you're a better father than that. Paul: I can't just leave him. (He gets up and stares towards the upstairs where his son is sleeping.) Mrs Tilman: You stole him so that you could give him a better life. That was a noble act, Paul. Truly. And it's time for you to be noble again. Paul: Can I at least say goodbye? Mrs Tilman: Did you allow me to say goodbye to Martha? (Paul leaves. Mrs Tilman sighs with relief that the meeting went as planned. She pulls her hand out from under the table and reveals a kitchen knife that she was hiding there.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Taylor Estate-Day] (Susan drives up to the front of the house.) Susan: (to the big, burly, black security guard that approaches her when she stops the car) Oh, hi. I'm looking
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for Kendra TaylorSecurity Guard: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Susan: Oh, oh, you don't understand. I can't just drive away. (Susan gets out of the car.) Security Guard: Please, back in the car. Susan: Look, um (reads his name tag) Bob, let me try to explain. Security Guard: In the car. Susan: You see the thing is. This is probably the last chance for me to find out if I can be with the man I love. Security Guard: Ma'am. Susan: And Bob (puts her hands on Bob's shoulders -he does not look amused by this), I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me. So, I'm going to walk up to that house, and you're going to let me. And you know why? Because behind that badge and that big, you could crush me like a fly, chest, there's a heart. A heart that believes in love. (Bob looks like he's thinking about what she's said-but the next shot is of Bob forcing Susan onto the hood of her car, holding her arm behind her back. As she's lying there we see someone approaching.) Security Guard: Just get in the damned car. Susan: It's not my fault, you don't have love in your heart. Kendra: Susan? Is that you? Susan: (from her restrained position) Hi, Kendra. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Taylor House-Day] (We see Susan, Noah and Kendra sat at a table outside, with the file on Mike Delfino laid out in front of them.) Susan: And despite the evidence, despite all that's been laid out in front of me, I can't help feeling that there's more to the story. Does that sound stupid? Kendra: No, no, of course not(Noah lays his hand on his daughter's to stop her from talking to Susan.) Noah: Unfortunately you've got the entire story here. (Kendra gets up from the table unable to listen anymore to her father.) Susan: But Mike's lawyer pleaded self defence and if that's the caseNoah: Delfino sold black tar heroin to my daughter, he killed the cop who tried to bust him, got convicted and did his time. End of story. Kendra: Dad! Noah: She deserves to hear the truth, no matter how terrible. I'm sorry, Ms Mayer, I really am. Susan: Right. I appreciate you talking to me. (Susan is on the brink of tears. She gathers up the file and her bag very quickly and walks off.) Kendra: What the hell was that? Noah: If she knew the truth, she'd go running back to him. She might talk him out of doing his job. I can't risk that. I just don't have the time. (He drops a kiss on his daughter's head and walks off. Kendra stares after Susan for a second and makes a decision.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Taylor Estate-Day] (Shots of Susan getting back into her car and pulling on her seat belt. She looks surprised when the passenger door opens and Kendra gets in.) Kendra: Quick. Drive around the corner. We need to talk. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[INT:VAN DE KAMP House -Living Room-Day] (Rex is reading the newspaper, doing the crossword whilst Bree is knitting baby clothes.) Bree: What do you think, Rex? I chose green so that it will work whether Gabrielle has a boy or a girl. Rex: (absentmindedly) It's great. Bree: What's the matter? You've been mopy all day. Rex: I'm sorry, I'm just worried about the test results. If I don't find out what's wrong with me soon I'm going to lose my mind. Bree: Oh, honey. Rex: You must get tired of hearing me complain. Bree: No, not at all. I think that we should talk about it. In fact I think maybe we don't talk enough. Rex: I guess. Bree: Why don't we start doing things again, as a couple? Rex: Mmhmm. (Rex is more interested in his crossword than the conversation with his wife.) Bree: I think that as soon as you're well enough we should go on a vacation. Take a trip, go somewhere fun. Remember our trip to Italy? Rex: Yeah, sort of. Bree: Sort of? Don't you remember the glorious food and the gorgeous scenery? Rex: What I remember is sweating like a pig and wishing we hadn't spent all our savings. So where would you like to go? Bree: (heartbroken) It doesn't matter. You decide. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Taylor Estate -Susan's Car -Day] Kendra: Mike wasn't a drug dealer. Susan: What? Kendra: Deirdre was. Mike, he kicked the habit early on, but Deirdre couldn't, or didn't want to.I don't know. Anyway, she spiralled out of control and was in and out of jail. One day an undercover cop caught her using and he forced her to trade sex for freedom. Look, Mike found out about it and he tried to put a stop to it. He busted in on the two of them. He,the cop pulled a gun on him, but Mike fought him off. They both went over the balcony-Mike was the only one who got back up. Susan: It was self defence. Kendra: Yeah. Mike went to jail trying to save my sister. But he couldn't. Susan: I knew he was good. I just knew it. (Susan's crying such happy tears at this point. And Kendra nods, glad that she's finally told the truth.) Susan: Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Jewellery Shop-Day] (shot of an engagement ring case on a glass top. The sales assistant opens it up to show a gorgeous ring.) Mary Alice Voiceover: The vow is simple really. (We see it's Sophie and Morty in the jewellery shop. A jeweler opens a ring box. She puts on the new ring and hugs Morty.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Those who take it promise to stay together for better or for worse(The sales assistant hands Morty the bill for the ring. He reads it and can't believe how much it is.) Mary Alice Voiceover: -for richer or for poorer-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Hospital Room -Day]
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(Rex is in a hospital gown, undergoing more tests. Bree stands by watching him, looking incredibly pale herself.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-in sickness and in health-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Scavo House-Day] (Tom and Lynette are kissing as he is about to leave for work.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-to honour and to cherish(Lynette watches her husband leave, looking very happy with herself.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Solis House-Day] (Carlos is hugging Gabrielle goodbye. She looks over his shoulder at John who is mowing a lawn down the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:-forsaking all others(Gabrielle closes her eyes and turns her attention back to Carlos.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[INT:Young House-Day] (Shot of Paul and Mary Alice's wedding photo) Mary Alice Voiceover:-until death do us part. (Paul is staring at the photo, then turns it over and places it in the suitcase he is packing.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Delfino House -Day] (We see Mike getting out of his car and walking into his house. As the shot pulls back we see Susan running across the street towards him.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, the vow is simple. (Mike sees Susan running across the street and is shocked to see her.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard partSusan: (Susan is very animated, moving her hands and can't get her words out.) Um, um-She, she-I uh. (Susan gives up on trying to explain everything to him and so goes to kiss Mike. He's shocked at first, but gives in to the kiss-AWWWW!) Mary Alice Voiceover: -But if we can, that is when we begin to live happily ever after. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1X22 - Goodbye For Now -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives: Carlos:My electronic monitoring device.I'm on house arrest.It's a condition on my bail. Mary Alice Voiceover:Investigations began... Susan:I need you to check into someone else's background.There is this plumber I know. Mary Alice Voiceover:...boundaries were pushed, George:Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me! Mary Alice Voiceover:and the news... Tom: Peterson called me into his office today.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:...went from bad... Tom:He changed his mind.He's going to hold that promotion for Duggan. Mary Alice Voiceover:...to worse. Gabrielle: I'm pregnant, and it might be yours. End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Edie Britt sits in her car at the construction site. She checks her appearance in the rearview mirror, then gets out of the car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Edie Britt's favorite moment of every day was her arrival at the construction site of her new home, because she knew what was about to happen. Her sudden appearance was always sure to generate a few appreciative glances, a few lascivious looks, and some downright ogling. Sadly for Edie, the one man she wanted most to notice her..." (Edie looks across the street to where Mike Delfino is bringing in the newspaper. She smiles and raises her hand in greeting, but he doesn't notice her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...paid her no attention at all. Yes, Edie needed attention to feel good about herself and she was determined to get it." (A construction worker walks over to her.) Cyrus: "Ms. Britt, you look extra beautiful today." Edie: "Oh, Cyrus, you're so sweet." Cyrus: "So anyhow, I, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh, take you out to dinner sometime." Edie: "Oh honey, you are so far out of your league that you are playing a completely different sport." (She takes a box of doughnuts from the top of his car and walks across the street, where she knocks on Mike's door. Mike answers.) Edie: "Hey, there." Mike: "Hi, Edie. What's up?" Edie: "Nice ensemble, you busy?" Mike: "No, not really." Edie: "Oh good, I bought a bunch of fresh doughnuts for my construction workers and as you can see, I bought a few too many, so I thought maybe you and I could -" (Susan appears at the doorway, next to Mike.) Edie: "Susan!" Susan: "Hey there, Edie." Edie: "What are you -" Susan: "Mike and I got back together." Edie: "Super." Susan: "I knew you'd be happy for us. So what's going on?" Mike: "Uh, Edie was just about to -" Edie: "Free doughnuts. Want 'em?or not?" Susan: "How sweet, thanks. Why don't you go put these on a plate? Oh, and save me one with sprinkles." (Mike goes into the kitchen.) Susan: "I cannot believe you are still coming onto him." Edie: "You said you two were finished. You thought he was a murderer." Susan: "And that was your cue to come over and flirt? You wasted your time and your doughnuts." Edie: "Not if you choke on them." Mike: "Well, thanks Edie. The doughnuts look great." Edie: "Pleasure. See ya."
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Susan: "You know, I'm gonna run home and get some milk to go with those doughnuts." Mike: "Hey, you know it's, it's a shame you got to keep running back and forth." Susan: "Well, I can't have doughnuts and juice. It's unnatural." Mike: "No, I mean we should move in together. Come on, what do you say?" Susan: "Um, I say, oh! Hold that thought. Edie, Edie stop! Stop! Hang on." Edie: "What now?" Susan: "Oh, I was just rude back there gloating and everything and I apologize." Edie: "Well, thank you, Susan. Very big of you." Susan: "And on a completely unrelated topic, Mike and I are moving in together. See ya." (She runs back to Mike.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Edie Britt needed the attention of men to feel good about herself." (Edie pulls up in her car to the construction site.) Edie: "Hey, Cyrus. You have lunch plans?" Cyrus: "No." Mary Alice Voiceover:"And even she was amazed at how far she was willing to go to get it." Edie: "Ellsberg Hotel. Half an hour. Welcome to the majors." (She drives off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane, Outside] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Mr. And Mrs. Edward Mullins were finally leaving Wisteria Lane. In the past year their street had played host to arson, violence, blackmail, and murder. Fearing they too would be infected by this moral decay, the Mullins felt it was time to say goodbye. Strangely enough none of their neighbors seemed to notice they were moving out." (The Mullins get into their packed car and drive off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle comes out of her house to where Justin is mowing the front lawn.) Gabrielle: "Hey, I thought you might be thirsty." Justin: "No, I'm good." Gabrielle: "So, how's your roommate doing?" Justin: "He's hanging in there." Gabrielle: "Well, uh, I had to, um, tell him some news that was a little bit upsetting for him." Justin: "No kidding." Gabrielle: "Excuse me?" Justin: "Where do you get off telling John he's not good enough to raise a child? That kid can be his." Gabrielle: "It is a complicated situation." Justin: "It seems pretty simple to me. You're an unfeeling bitch." (From inside the house, Carlos looks out of the window and sees Gabrielle slap Justin across the face. Gabrielle storms inside and heads up the stairs.) Carlos: "Why'd you hit the lawn boy?" Gabrielle: "Well, if you saw what he did to our pogonias you'd slap him too." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Peterson Advertising] (Lynette walks into Tom's workplace, carrying a large cake with the words "Welcome Back Duggan!" written
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on it. She walks into the office that Tom and Annabel share.) Lynette: "Hey." Tom: "Hey, Lynette what are you doing here? What's this?" Lynette: "You told me Duggan's coming back to work today, I thought I'd do something special for him." Tom: "Uh huh, and this wouldn't have anything to do with you checking up on me and Annabel?" Lynette: "What?" Tom: "Yesterday you brought my pictures of the kids. The day before that you brought me soup. Lynette, honey, it's gotta stop." Lynette: "Tom, I don't care about you working with Annabel. I told you that. This is for Duggan. He had a heart attack. I don't care about Annabel." (Annabel walks past them to leave the room.) Annabel: "Hey, Lynette." Lynette: "Huh. Speak of the devil. And I mean that." (Carrying the cake, Lynette leaves and follows Annabel into the office kitchen.) Annabel: "Well, you're becoming a regular fixture around here, aren't ya?" Lynette: "Oh, yeah. I wanted to do something nice for Duggan." Annabel: "I suppose filling his blood stream with butter fat might be considered nice." Lynette: "Actually, it's fruit juice sweetened. Can I cut you? A piece?" (From outside of the kitchen, a man's voice is heard.) Man: "Everyone, I need to see you right now." (Inside a conference room, a grey-haired man, Dan, speaks to the employees standing around the room.) Dan: "Okay, listen up. I just spoke with Tim Duggan's wife and it looks like he's not gonna be returning to work after all. Seems that he had a relapse last night which unfortunately puts us in a very tight spot. We're gonna work together as a team and do what we need to do, so Jerry you're taking the Holister account, Suzanne, you're covering Paradise Springs, and Annabel, I want you to take the lead on the Traveler's hotel chain. You're leaving for Hawaii in three days." Annabel: "I can't handle Traveler's by myself, especially not if they're moving into the print." Dan: "Well, choose someone to take with you." Annabel: "Oh, okay. Um, I choose Tom." (Lynette, holding the knife that she used to cut the cake, steps forward and Tom automatically puts his hand out to stop her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mini-Golf World] (Bree and George play miniature golf together.) Bree: "Well, let's see I've beaten you to bridge, and mahjong and hearts. This is your last chance to redeem yourself." George: "Stop it. You're gonna make me laugh." (As George lines up his shot, Bree, standing behind him, walks her fingers over his back. He turns to look at her.) Bree: "Okay, okay, I'll be good." (She walks around to his side and whispers in his ear.) Bree: "Miss it, miss it, miss it." George: "Bree." Bree: "Come on, I'm allowed to psych you out." (She walks a little bit away and suddenly George gets a worried look on his face. He turns his feet in and hunches over, not moving.)
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Bree: "Okay, time's up. Take your best shot." George: "I'm not ready yet." Bree: "Hurry up. There're people waiting." George: "One more minute." Bree: "Come on, take your best -" (She reaches out and swipes gently at his arm. He pulls his arm away, still hunched over.) George: "Don't do that." Bree: "George, do you have an erection?" George: "I'm sorry." Bree: "What on earth?" George: "You were blowing on my ear." Bree: "I was teasing you." George: "Exactly." Bree: "You have got to get rid of it. There are children present." George: "How?" Bree: "I don't know. Um, um, think of something unpleasant." George: "Like what?" Bree: "Like famine, or disease, or hobos. Whatever. Just hurry." (Later, they walk away from the golf course.) George: "Look, you can't be mad about it. It's not something men can control." Bree: "I kept this friendship going because I though Rex's dislike of you was paranoid, but you had feelings for me all along. God, this is just such a betrayal." George: "Come on, Bree. The only thing I am guilty of is loving you in silence." Bree: "Well, you shouldn't be doing that. In case you've forgotten I'm married." George: "To a selfish, two-faced liar who betrayed you with a hooker." Bree: "I told you in confidence. How dare you throw it back in my face." George: "So, you're ending our friendship, after everything I've done for you?" Bree: "What is that supposed to mean?" George: "Nothing. It didn't mean anything." Bree: "George, I do love you as a friend. I wish you could love me the same way back, but since you can't, goodbye." (She walks off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Later that day, Edie Britt witnessed something disturbing." (Edie looks out of her window and sees Mike, carrying a moving box, kissing Susan.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Something she was determined to put a stop to." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle sit around the table, preparing for poker. Edie comes in from the living room.) Gabrielle: "So is Susan coming?" Lynette: "She said she might be a little late. They already started moving a few of Mike's things over to her house." Bree: "Already? Wow, good for her." Lynette: "Yeah, it's nice to see Susan so happy again." Edie: "Yeah, I'm happy for Susan. But don't you think she and Mike are moving a little fast? I mean two days
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ago, she was thinking he was a murderer and now she's moving in with him?" Gabrielle: "She found out it was in self-defense. I think they've cleared everything up." Bree: "Yeah, good point." Lynette: "Mike's a decent guy." Edie: "Yeah, that's true. Of course there was the gun shot wound." Lynette: "That's right. Did they ever explain that?" Bree: "No, and I know guns and that wound was not self-inflicted." Edie: "And then what about Mrs. Huber's blood-stained jewelry?" Lynette: "Yeah, that didn't walk into Mike's garage by itself." Gabrielle: "Maybe this is a mistake. If there's one thing I've learned men can't be trusted." Edie: "Hold it. Are you saying that we should put a stop to this?" Bree: "Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to sit her down and share our concerns." Gabrielle: "Yeah, we could do that." Lynette: "Yeah." Bree: "Edie, do you want to be a part of it?" Edie: "Well, normally, I'd prefer not to get involved, but if there's anyway that I could help Susan..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Garage] (Susan comes out to take a box from Mike, who's truck is parked on her driveway.) Susan: "We need to talk." Mike: "Okay." Susan: "When I was packing up your stuff in your bedroom, I found a box of bullets." Mike: "Oh."
Susan: "Look, I feel really bad about Deirdre, and I know that you must want to find out who killed her, but if we're gonna move in together, we can't have this stuff hanging over us. You've gotta get rid of it. All of it: the file, the map, the gun, especially the gun and leave this to the police. They're the professionals." Mike: "Well, what can I say? It seems like a reasonable request." Susan: "Oh. Really? Well ,that was easy. Maybe after lunch we can talk about your leather bean bag chair." (Mike smiles and as Susan walks back in, he looks down the street. He sees Paul get out of his car, leave a box filled with items on a Martha Huber's doorstep, then get back in his car and drive away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Martha Huber's House] (Zach and Felicia sit at the kitchen table. The box from Paul is sitting on the table and Paul is reading from a note.) Zach: "I realize now that I've treated you badly. I'm the one who needs to get help not you, so I have to go away for a while, in the meantime Mrs. Tilman will look out for you." Felicia: "I don't consider it a burden. You know you're welcome here." Zach: "I left you some things, I hope you can take comfort in them. I got you a new mitt. Work on your curve ball while I'm gone. I love you. Dad. Well, I don't understand. Why wouldn't he come see me? Why just run away?" Felicia: "Your father's been very troubled, dear. I'm sure he did what he felt was best for you." Zach: "And he wants me to take comfort in this junk? I hate baseball. You think he would know that." Felicia: "Zach." (Zach runs away from the room. Felicia picks up a photo of Mary Alice that Zach knocked down. She begins
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cleaning up the rest of the items he knocked to the floor. She picks up the baseball mitt and after a second, she slips her hand into the mitt. She pulls out a note hidden in the mitt. It reads: "Zach, I didn't leave you. Meet me at the baseball field - Thursday at midnight. Dad") (Felicia crumples the note in her hand.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House, Nighttime] (Gabrielle looks out the window.) Gabrielle: "Susan's coming." Edie: "Okay guys. Interventions are never pretty, so stay strong cause she's probably gonna cry." (The doorbell rings. Bree goes to answer it while Edie, Gabrielle, and Lynette line up near the couch.) Susan: "Bonjour. Oh, hi, I didn't know that the cooking lesson was gonna be a group activity. Well, the more the merrier, right? As long as nobody makes fun of my lousy crepes. How come I'm the only one wearing the apron?" (Later, all five women sit around the table, with coffee cups in front of them.) Lynette: "I know it seems like we're ganging up on you, but you're moving so fast we thought a sort of intervention was necessary." Edie: "I know it's tough to hear. None of us wanted to do this." Susan: "I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, I really do. Um, I'm not gonna change my mind. In my life, I've been hurt a lot, Karl, and uh, well, it's just taught me to be cynical, and to expect the absolute worst from people, and I don't want to live like that anymore, and when Mike asked me to move in with him, I was just happy, just ridiculously happy. I mean, I still am and I want to go with that feeling. I love him and I love him! So I'm gonna expect the best from Mike, and I know that he is gonna deliver that in return. Okay?" (Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle lean to her and give her assurances.) Edie: "This is the worst intervention I have ever been to." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Baby Penny sits in a high chair while Lynette has lunch with Natalie.) Natalie: "This is fun. It's forever since we had lunch." Lynette: "Well, as happy as I am to see you, I actually have an agenda. I ran into someone last week who said you guys were looking to hire. Is that true?" Natalie: "Yeah. Are you thinking of coming back? Because say the word -" Lynette: "No, no, not me. I was actually thinking more about Tom." Natalie: "Oh, Tom?" Lynette: "Yeah, he's been thinking about making a move for a while. He kind of feels like he's done everything he can where he is now." Natalie: "Huh. Well, Tom's certainly solid." Lynette: "He's more then solid, Tom's ideas are spectacular. He's passionate about his work. His visual instincts are off the chart." Natalie: "Is he as good as you?" Lynette: "He's apples, I'm oranges, we excel in different areas. Trust me, you should give Tom a look." Natalie: "I don't need apples. I need someone like you. Cut throat. Ruthless." Lynette: "Geez, Nat, you make me feel like some kind of shark. Ah, okay. You know, actually, if that's the kind of exec you're looking for..." Natalie: "You'd get a shark for me?" Lynette: "Yes, a very pretty shark." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Bree's House, Outside] (Bree gets into her car and drives off. Down the street, George watches. Once the car has driven away, he gets out and goes up to Bree's house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House, Inside] (George spills out Rex's prescription bottle. He fills it up with pills that he brought with him.) (In their bedroom, George opens up various dresser drawers. He comes to Bree's underwear drawer and stops, staring at the panties lying neatly in there.) (He lays down some panty-hose on the bed and when he pulls away, he takes out a digital camera, taking a picture of a bra, underwear, and panty-hose lying on the bed in the approximate positions they'd be on a woman.) (George opens up their closet, pushing aside clothing. He kneels down and sees a box. He opens it and begins pulling out various sexual toys: handcuffs, a riding whip, fuzzy handcuffs, and leather clothing.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Doctor's Office] (Rex sits on the examining table, buttoning his shirt. Bree sits in a chair off to the side.) Doctor: "So, here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna see if Dr. Morrison at the Lipstone Clinic in come in and consult." Rex: "You're wanna bring someone else in?" Doctor: "Your body isn't responding to the medication the way it should, and the tests we've run have all come back negative, so I, I just want to be on the safe side." (His pager goes off.) Doctor: "Excuse me. I need to take this." (He leaves the room.) Bree: "I don't know why, but I have this overwhelming feeling that you're gonna be just fine. I really do." Rex: "Lee Craig has the biggest ego of any doctor I know. If he wants to consult with someone, that means he's stumped, which means I'm screwed." Bree: "Don't say that." Rex: "Dammit, Bree, do you understand what's going on here? I could die." Bree: "So could I." Rex: "What?" Bree: "I could walk across a street tomorrow and be hit by a car." Rex: "What in god's name is your point?" Bree: "All I'm saying is that we're both gonna die eventually, and in the time that we have left, whether it's two days or two decades, I think that we should be nice to each other." Rex: "You're right." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Martha Huber's House] (The doorbell rings. Felicia opens the door to find Mike standing there.) Mike: "Um, Mrs. Tilman. Paul Young's been missing the last couple of days, have you seen him?" Felicia: "Why ask me?" Mike: "Well, I saw him leave a box on the door step and I've also seen Zach over here." Felicia: "If I did know where Mr. Young was, why would I tell you?" Mike: "Look, um, the police think I killed your sister, and I'm sure you do too, but I swear to you I had nothing to do with it." Felicia: "And you think Paul Young did?"
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Mike: "Well, no, that's not what I'm saying." Felicia: "You've got to admit, it's a neat theory. Care for a snack?" (She walks away from the door, leaving it open. Mike stares after her, then follows.) (Later, Mike sits at the kitchen table, reading through a journal while Felicia sets down a teapot with cups, then sits down, herself.) Felicia: "Okay, so it's not such a stretch, the wonder if Paul avenged his wife's death by killing Martha for blackmailing them. But perhaps I'm alone in that." Mike: "You're not." Felicia: "Aren't you sweet? Tea?" Mike: "Thanks. Do these journals say anything about why your sister was blackmailing the Youngs?" Felicia: "Not specifically, but I got the definite impression that it involved a murder. Now here you are saying your friend was murdered." Mike: "Any reason you haven't showed these to the police?" Felicia: "Are you in favor of the death penalty?" Mike: "Um, yeah." Felicia: "So am I. We had it in Utah. Not in this state, though. A shame, don't you agree?" Mike: "Yeah, I do." Felicia: "I like you so much, Mr. Delfino." Mike: "You know where Paul Young is?" Felicia: "I'm afraid not, but I know where he'll be on Thursday night." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House, Outside] Mary Alice Voiceover:"That afternoon after retrieving her mail, Gabrielle was surprised to finally learn the truth behind her pregnancy." (Gabrielle opens up a letter.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Very surprised." (The rest of the mail drops out of her hands and lands on the ground.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House, Inside] Carlos: "Hey babe, you want to go online and check out schools? What's going on?" Gabrielle: "I just want to say goodbye, because I'm leaving you." Carlos: "What?" Gabrielle: "You see, your health insurance sent us a letter because someone ordered a year's worth of birth control pills, and apparently our policy doesn't cover drugs bought by the kilo." Carlos: "I told you, it was mam." Gabrielle: "The prescription was dated, Carlos, and Juanita was in a coma when this claim was filed. You did this, not your mother. At least be man enough to own up to it. She would've been." (She storms out of the house and is halfway across the lawn when Carlos catches up to her and grabs her arm.) Carlos: "Stop." Gabrielle: "Ah, ah, ah, pregnant, cave man, remember?" Carlos: "Where are you going?" Gabrielle: "Away." Carlos: "I'm going to jail. I'll be gone tomorrow." Gabrielle: "I know. That's why I only packed one bag." (She starts to drive off in her car.)
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Carlos: "What about the baby, Gabrielle, huh? What about my baby?" Gabrielle: "Oh, your baby?" Carlos: "Fine. Our baby. Hey, we're a family now. This baby needs its mother and its father." Gabrielle: "Oh, Carlos. Whoever said you were the father?" (She drives off. Edie drives up and gets out of her car, holding a "Sold" sign.) Edie: "Hey." (Carlos begins walking quickly to her car. His ankle bracelet begins beeping. ) Carlos: "Hey." Edie: "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" (Carlos gets into her car and she quickly grabs her purse from the passenger's seat. Carlos drives off.) Edie: "Damn felon!" (Gabrielle and Carlos both drive.) (In a parked police car, two cops sit. They get a call over the speaker from dispatch.) Speaker: "All units code D-1630 suspect is a violation of house arrest. Currently headed west on Park Boulevard." Policeman: "Um, this is unit fourteen we're on our way. Looks like the feds have a runner." Policeman #2: "Let's go." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment, Inside] (Justin, in a robe, starts to take a bite of a sandwich, but is interrupted by a knock on the door. He answers it and finds Gabrielle there.) Gabrielle: "Is John here?" Justin: "If I say no, are you gonna slap me again? He's working. Why?" Gabrielle: "I just left my husband." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment, Outside] (Carlos pulls up across the street from where Gabrielle's car is parked. He sees Gabrielle and Justin come out of the building and he slouches down so they can't see him. Gabrielle and Justin hug. Gabrielle walks to her car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment, Inside] (Justin starts to take a bite of his sandwich, but again is interrupted by a knock on the door.) Justin: "Hang on." (He opens the door and finds Carlos there. Carlos punches him and as Justin falls to the floor, Carlos begins kicking him.) Carlos: "Think just because you mow my lawn you can bang my wife?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment, Outside] (The policecar pulls up to where Carlos's car is parked. The cops get out and run towards the apartment.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment, Inside] (Carlos is still kicking Justin when the police rush in and grab Carlos.) Police: "Hey, hey, hey, get off." (They slam him against the wall.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Peterson Advertising]
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(Tom comes out of his office. He sees in Dan's office that Annabel is shaking Dan's hand and seems very happy. She leaves, smiling.) Tom: "Hey, what's going on?" Annabel: "Oh Tom, I have had the craziest day. This morning the guys from Mitchell and Currents called me in. They offered me a job." Tom: "Well, are you gonna take it?" Annabel: "Well, I told Peterson about it and they just upped their offer. He just made me vice president." Tom: "Of what?" Annabel: "Tom! The firm. He gave me Duggan's old job. Isn't that wild? I have to go tell Scotty. I'll see you later." Dan: "Oh Tom, I was just coming to find you." Tom: "What the hell, Dan? I mean what the hell? You promoted Annabel over me?" Dan: "She got another job offer. I couldn't afford to lose her, not now." Tom: "Well, guess what, you lose me, 'cause I quit." Dan: "Tom, don't overreact." Tom: "No, the first time you pass me by, I took it like a good soldier, but since Duggan's heart attack, I have already been doing the job, I've already been doing it, then you just hand it to Annabel?" Dan: "Okay, you made your point." Tom: "No, you make crappy decisions on a daily basis, Dan, I got to tell you, but this one, this is the stupidest." Dan: "Hey, watch yourself." Tom: "You have been running this company in the ground since you got here. The way I see it, I'm getting out easy." Dan: "All right, Scavo, you want to know why I gave that promotion to Annabel? Why she got the knot instead of you? It was Lynette." Tom: "What?" Dan: "She went to my wife and begged her to get me to kill your promotion. She said that if you start traveling more, it's gonna hurt your family." Tom: "She did that?" Dan: "Now I feel like a chump for trying to help you guys out. I guess it was another one of my crappy decisions. Have your desk cleaned out by tonight." (Dan leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[John and Justin's Apartment] (Two EMT men lift up a gurney that has Justin on it. Carlos, with his hands handcuffed behind him, sits on the couch.) Policeman: "You want to tell us what you have against this kid?" Carlos: "It's between him and me and my wife." Policeman: "Is that what this is about? You're doing his wife?" Justin: "No. I'm gay." Policeman: "You're gay?" Carlos: "What?" Justin: "I'm gay." Carlos: "This is not happening again." Policeman #2: "What do you mean again?" Carlos: "I want a lawyer."
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Supermarket] (Bree is grocery shopping. George, also grocery shopping, comes down her aisle.) Bree: "George. Hi. What are you doing here?" George: "I'm shopping, obviously." Bree: "Why are you shopping here? You live on the other side of town." George: "My friend had an operation. I'm buying her some things." Bree: "Oh, well, that's very nice of you." George: "Wait, Bree, I have to tell you something." Bree: "Well?" George: "You need to tell Rex to be more discreet when it comes to discussing your love life." Bree: "I'm sorry?" George: "I don't want to say anything more. You just really need to tell him that." Bree: "Wait a minute. What in the world are you talking about?" George: "I was at the hospital, visiting my friend who had had this operation, and I overheard two doctors talking about Rex's fondness for S and M." Bree: "You heard that?" George: "Apparently he told them he has a box of toys-and gets you to do very inappropriate things." Bree: "I see." George: "Bree, this is clearly none of my business and I would've never brought this up, but to hear those two men laughing about you, I just thought you should know." Bree: "Well, thank you for telling me, but I think, um, I've got to go." (She leaves. George walks over to her abandoned grocery cart and pops a grape into his mouth.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House, Outside] (Mike pulls his truck into his driveway. Susan comes out of the house.) Mike: "Hey, I got some more boxes." (Susan gives him a long kiss.) Mike: "That's your answer for everything these days." Susan: "So, what do you think we should do for dinner?" Mike: "Oh, I, uh, can't. I just got an emergency phone call. Busted water main." Susan: "Okay, I'll keep it warm for you." Mike: "I'm afraid I'm gonna be too late for dinner." Susan: "I wasn't talking about dinner." (Mike brings some boxes into the house and Susan opens up the car door to remove some unfolded boxes in the backseat. She finds the journal that Mike had been reading, while having tea with Felicia.) Mike: "Need some help?" Susan: "No, no, I got it. Um, I got it. So, if you've got a plumbing emergency, shouldn't you get going?" Mike: "Um, they've already got somebody on it. I'm just a part of the relief crew." Susan: "Well, I'll just get back to work." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House, Outside, Nighttime] (Susan and Julie sit in their car, across the street from Mike's house.) Julie: "Mom, stalking? Are we really doing this? You just made such a huge deal to your friends about how much you trust him now." Susan: "Well, that's before I found Mrs. Huber's journal in his truck."
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Julie: "So, what's in it?" Susan: "It's not about what's in it, it's about the fact that he had it at all. I would bet you anything he is not going on a plumbing job and we're gonna find out." Julie: "Mom, if you don't trust him, why are you moving in with him?" Susan: "I don't have time to explain adult relationships to you. Oh, duck down." (Later, they drive.) Julie: "I think you lost him." Susan: "He's six cars up. We have to stay this far back or he'll see us." Julie: "Okay, great, but we can't see him either. I got to tell you, mom, you're not great at this." Susan: "Oh yeah? When your father was cheating on me I used to follow him all the time. I know my stuff. There he is." Julie: "What's Mike doing? Who's that he's pulling up to?" Susan: "I don't know, but I'm gonna find out. Wait here and lock the doors." (She leaves and walks up to the SUV. She pulls open the door.) Susan: " All right, what the hell are you up to?" (Inside the car is a man with a woman, both half undressed. They turn to stare at her.) Susan: "Oh my god, wow, um, okay oh, wow um, bye." Woman in Truck: "Was that your wife?" Man in Truck: "If that was my wife, you think I'd be here with you?" (Susan gets back in the car with Julie.) Julie: "It wasn't Mike, was it?" Susan: "No, no, it wasn't." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (In a visiting room, Gabrielle looks at a drawing of Carlos. She lowers the drawing and looks at Carlos, sitting across the table from her in an orange prison jump suit.) Gabrielle: "They're charging you with a hate crime?" Carlos: "You remember when our cable guy was beaten up? That was me. I thought you were cheating with him." Gabrielle: "With our gay cable guy?" Carlos: "I didn't know he was gay. I didn't know Justin was either. Now the cops think I'm some kind of serial gay basher." Gabrielle: "Well, you sort of are." Carlos: "Well, you provoked me. You were pretending to have an affair just to punish me." Gabrielle: "Well, obviously." Carlos: "So now, I need you to lie again. I need you to tell the cops you were having an affair and that I just beat up the wrong guy. Guys." Gabrielle: "I am not lying for you, Carlos." Carlos: "Gabby, if this charge sticks, I get sent away for eight years." Gabrielle: "Am I supposed to be impressed? Because of your little stunt with my birth control pills, I've lost my freedom for the next eighteen years." Carlos: "Gabby please don't do this. Gabby, don't walk away. Gabby!" (Gabrielle leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Car] (Susan and Julie drive back home.)
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Susan: "Okay, next time I won't bring my daughter to stalk my boyfriend. It was a slight error in judgment. Honey, please don't give me the silent treatment." Julie: "I'm not. Did you say you read this?" Susan: "Yeah, part of it. Why?" Julie: "Mrs. Huber was blackmailing Zach's mom." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Baseball Field, Nighttime] (Paul stands by the bleachers, alone. He looks at his watch, then hears a noise.) Paul: "Zach?" (He turns and is punched in the face by Mike.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Rex lies in bed, sleeping. Slowly, he wakes up and sees Bree sitting by the window, looking out.) Rex: "What are you doing up?" Bree: "Couldn't sleep, so I was just sitting here thinking." Rex: "About what?" Bree: "You really want to know?" Rex: "Bree, I'm not feeling too hot right now, so just tell me. What's up?" Bree: "I was thinking that the biggest mistake of my entire life was agreeing to marry you." Rex: "Let me guess. I've done something wrong." Bree: "Forcing me to share in your depraved pasttime wasn't bad enough, you had to share my humiliation with your co-workers?" Rex: "What?" Bree: "Rex, everybody is talking about our sex life. Every sordid little detail right down to that box of perversions you keep in your closet." Rex: "Bree, I, I never said anything to anyone. I swear to god." Bree: "You're a liar." Rex: "Who told you this?" Bree: "It doesn't matter." Rex: "It does matter because I never said anything." Bree: "Well, then how do people know because we both know that I wouldn't say anything." Rex: "Why would I tell people about what we do in bed?" Bree: "I don't know, Rex. Maybe you were bragging or maybe you just subconsciously wanted to hurt me. Well, congratulations, you did it. I am officially destroyed." Rex: "I didn't say anything." Bree: "I don't believe you." Rex: "Oh, oh." Bree: "Rex? What is it?" Rex: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Bree: "No, you're not." Rex: "Bree, you're gonna have to take me to the hospital." Bree: "Um, all right. You, uh, go downstairs and I will be, I'll be right there." (She hands him his robe and he leaves the room.) (Later, Rex sits at the bottom of the stairs, leaning against the side of the rails, his eyes closed. Danielle comes down the stairs.) Danielle: "Daddy? What are you doing?"
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Rex: "I'm waiting for your mother to take me to the emergency room." Danielle: "What's wrong?" Rex: "I'm having a heart attack." Danielle: "Oh my god. Where is she?" Rex: "That's a good question." (Danielle runs back upstairs and into Bree's bedroom, where Bree is calmly making the bed.) Danielle: "Daddy says he's having a heart attack." Bree: "I know. I'm gonna take him to the hospital." Danielle: "Well, when?" Bree: "When I finish making the bed." Danielle: "What?" Bree: "I never leave the house with an unmade bed. You know that." Danielle: "But daddy needs to go to the hospital." Bree: "There. Now we can go." (She walks slowly past Danielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Peterson Advertising, Nighttime] (As a janitor mops the floors in the outer room, Tom puts his belongings into a box.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Nothing is forever and the time comes when we all must say goodbye to the world we knew." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail Cell] (Carlos holds a picture of Gabrielle and himself, while sitting in his jail cell.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Lying on a gurney, Rex is wheeled away. Standing by a nurses station, Bree watches him go.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Goodbye to those we thought would never abandon us." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside] (A moving van pulls up to the Mullins' old house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And when these changes finally do occur, when the familiar has departed and the unfamiliar has taken its place, all any of us can really do is to say hello and welcome." (A teenager gets out of the driver's side and goes around the van to the passenger side, where he opens the door. A woman steps out and the two of them look at the house, then walk up to the front door.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 1X23 - One Wonderful Day -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives: Mary Alice Voiceover:There is a motive to every mysteryDr. Craig:Your body isn't responding to the medication the way it should.
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Rex:I think I'm having a heart attack. Mary Alice Voiceover:-evidence of every crimeGabrielle: They're charging you with a hate crime? Carlos:I thought you were cheating with him. Gabrielle: With our gay cable guy? Carlos:I didn't know he was gay.I didn't know Justin was either. Mary Alice Voiceover:-and an answer to every question. Susan:Gabby, the woman killed herself.Something must have been going on. Mary Alice Voiceover:All you have to do is take a closer look... Policeman #1:... a woman in it. Zach:Woman? Policeman #1:She was all chopped up. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and eventually, every secret... Mike: Do you know where Paul Young is? Felicia:I know where he will be on Thursday night. Mary Alice Voiceover:...will be revealed. (Sorry,I can't figure out who says)Mary Alice was being blackmailed? Susan:Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's House] (On a table is a picture of Mary Alice, Bree, Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette hugging and smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"My name is Mary Alice Young, and before I died, my life was filled with love, laughter, friendship, and, sadly, secrets." (Cut to Mary Alice exiting her front door, taking out the trash.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The secrets had begun fifteen years earlier when my name was Angela Forrest, and I was living a life of quiet desperation." (Cut to Mary Alice serving breakfast to Paul, who is pouring orange juice while sitting at the dining room table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"I'd feel it every morning as I made breakfast for my husband." Paul: "If you could stop by the market today, that would be great. I'm out of shaving cream." (Cut to Mary Alice in the supermarket parking lot.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And during the errands I ran in the afternoons." (With a supermarket apron on, a bag boy loads groceries into Mary Alice's car. She hands a tip to him.) Bag Boy: "So Friday's double coupon day. You'll save a bunch if you come on Fridays." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Even at my work every evening." (Cut to Mary Alice at the hospital. She approaches the nurse's station with a file folder. A younger Felicia Tilman is talking to a nurse who is looking at a calendar at the desk.) Nurse: "What a lovely calendar. Was this taken around here?" Felicia: "Oh, no. That's way out in Fairview. I have family there. Isn't it idyllic?" (Mary Alice begins putting files away. Felicia hands her another file.) Felicia: "Here, Angela. You can file this." Mary Alice: "Oh." Mary Alice Voiceover:"To me, each day was gray and meaningless. And then one night, suddenly..." (Cut to Mary Alice taking out the trash. A young woman approaches in the dark, carrying a baby.) Deirdre: "Hey, Angela." Mary Alice Voiceover:"There was color."
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Mary Alice: "Deirdre. What are you doing here?" Deirdre: "I need some money." (Later, Deirdre looks around Paul and Mary Alice's living room, holding her baby. Paul stands off to the side and Mary Alice brings a glass of water to Deirdre.) Mary Alice: "Deirdre, here." (The baby begins whimpering. Deirdre drinks the water quickly and hands the glass back to Mary Alice. She keeps her reddened eyes averted.) Mary Alice: "You're using again, aren't you?" Deirdre: "No, I just, um, I just got to get some food for my baby and some other stuff." Mary Alice: "Well, if the baby's hungry, we can go to the market and I'll buy food." Deirdre: "I-I can shop for my own baby, okay?" (The baby begins to fret.) Deirdre: "Quiet! I can't think. See this watch? It's worth a lot. I'll give it to you for fifty bucks." Paul: "She's not giving you money." Deirdre: "Do you mind? Angela, you're the only one at rehab who treated me like a person. Okay, please, please don't stop now." Mary Alice: "I'm sorry." (Mary Alice walks to the front door and opens it.) Deirdre: "I'll sell you my baby!" Mary Alice: "What?" Deirdre: "I heard you talking and I know you can't have your own. It's been killing you." Paul: "It's time that you left." Deirdre: "No, I, I'm thinking about Dana. You'll give him a good home. Okay? He'll be better off. Okay? Shh. Quiet. Quiet!" Paul: "Honey!" (Mary Alice holds up her hand to silence Paul.) Deirdre: "How much money do you keep in the house? " (The baby continues to cry. Mary Alice slowly closes the front door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Clinic] (Paramedics roll in a gurney carrying an unconscious Deirdre.) Felicia: "She has a ten-month-old baby. Where the hell is it?" Policeman: "I don't know. If we'd seen a kid, we certainly wouldn't have left it sitting in the middle of a crack house." Felicia: "If anything happens to that child, I will have your badge." (Mary Alice stands close by, listening to the conversation.) Policeman: "Just let me do my job, huh? We'll post an Officer at the junkie's bedside. If she wakes up, we'll let her tell us where she left her kid." (Deirdre's gurney is rolled out the room. Mary Alice's eyes focus on the calendar hanging at the nurse's station. She looks at the picture of a group of houses in the town of Fairview.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's House] (A realtor comes out of the house, greeting Paul, Mary Alice, and young Dana.) Realtor: "I really do hope you folks will be happy here in Fairview." Paul: "Thank you." Mary Alice Voiceover:"And we were."
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Mary Alice: "Wave bye, Zach. Wave bye-bye." Mary Alice Voiceover:"We were as happy as any family could be." (Mary Alice and Paul smile at each other, then enter their new home.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Until one night three years later..." (Hard knocking on the door late at night.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"When there was a knock at our door and I was desperate once again." (Mary Alice opens the front door. Deirdre is standing there.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------CREDITS -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane, Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was five o'clock in the morning on Wisteria Lane when the phone calls started." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (The telephone rings. Susan rolls over in bed to pick up the phone.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, each of them knew something was wrong from that first ring." Susan: "Hello?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (The telephone rings.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"After all, it's one of the unwritten rules of suburbia..." (Lynette wakes and grabs the phone.) Lynette: "Hello?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (The telephone rings.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...don't call the neighbors in the middle of the night..." (Telephone ringing. Gabrielle grabs the phone. ) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...unless the news is bad." Gabrielle: "Hello?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Mary Alice Voiceover:"And so they came with their uncombed hair and their unmade faces. They came because after all these years..." (Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle exit the hospital elevator, walking quickly. They come to a waiting room where Bree is sitting there alone.) Susan: "Bree." Mary Alice Voiceover:"They were no longer just neighbors." (Susan, Lynette ,and Gabrielle go Bree and sit with her.) Bree: "Hi. What are you doing here?" Susan: "We heard Rex had a heart attack. How is he?" Bree: "Um, he's stable, but, um, they have to put in a pacemaker, so they're gonna need to operate. How did you guys know?" Gabrielle: "Danielle called." Lynette: "So how are you doing?" Bree: "We were having a fight when he had the heart attack, and I'm just feeling really guilty, because I should
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have gotten him here sooner and - " Gabrielle: "Honey, the doctors here are great!" Lynette: "Yeah, and he's so young, he's gonna bounce right back." Susan: "I'm sure you have nothing to worry about." Bree: "You know what? I am so happy that you guys came here, I really am, but I am trying really hard to be strong, so if you keep comforting me..." Lynette: "You're gonna lose it?" Bree: "Mm-hmm." Gabrielle: "Then we won't comfort." Bree: "Thank you." Gabrielle: "We're just gonna talk about non-crisis things." Susan: "Oh, I know. Uh, I found Mrs. Huber's journal in some of Mike's stuff, and I think she knew Mary Alice's secret and was blackmailing her." (Bree, Gabrielle and Lynette look at her.) Lynette: "Yep, that'll do it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Felicia's House] (Zach walks quickly out the front door, Felicia right behind him.) Felicia: "Zachary! Come back here, please." (Zach goes to his own house, slams the door and runs up the stairs. He is carrying a suitcase and heads up the stairs. Felicia enters after him.) Felicia: "Your father told you he would be gone for a while. He said you should let me look after you." Zach: "I will be fine by myself. I am not a child." (Zach continues upstairs, goes to his room, and lays down on his bed. Felicia enters.) Felicia: "I know you're not a child, but I think we should discuss this." (Felicia sits on the bed next to Zach.) Zach: "I'm fine, really." Felicia: "Why should you fend for yourself when you can just come home with me? Let me shoulder the burden. It would really be my pleasure-" (Felicia reaches to brush Zach's hair back. Zach pushes her away and jumps up from the bed. Felicia jumps back.) Zach: "Stop! What kind of freak are you? Just leave me alone, all right? You are not my mother! I told you that I am fine. Now stop acting like my mother and go home." Felicia: "I wish it were that easy, Zachary, for your sake, but it's not. Your father's not coming back." Zach: "He said that he was." Felicia: "He lied. I wanted to spare you this, but your father and I discussed it, and he decided that he shouldn't come back. Now, get your bag and let's go home. I'm gonna make you some pudding." (Felicia walks out of the room. She starts down the stairs and as she reaches the bottom, Zach runs after her, holding a hockey stick.) Zach: "What did you do to my dad?" (He swings the hockey stick at her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Paul's House] (From the Young's front lawn, the sounds of someone being struck over and over can be heard.) Zach: "Tell me!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Mrs. Applewhite's House] (The new neighbor, Mrs. Applewhite, comes out onto the porch carrying a sewing basket. Edie approaches.) Edie: "Mrs. Applewhite?" Mrs. Applewhite: "Yes?" Edie: "Hi. I'm Edie Britt. The realtor that helped you buy this house?" Mrs. Applewhite: "Oh, of course. Hi." Edie: "Hi. I've been so curious to meet you." Mrs. Applewhite: "Really? Why?" Edie: "It's just that I've never sold a house over the phone before." (A young man comes out the front door and closes the door behind him.) Edie: "You were awfully brave, buying the place sight unseen." Mrs. Applewhite: "Not really. We could tell from the advertisement it was just what we were looking for. This is my son Matthew." (Matthew approaches and reaches to shake Edie's hand.) Matthew: "It's nice to meet you, ma'am." Edie: " Please. Call me Edie. Ma'am's for middle-aged women." (Edie looks over a bush and points to Susan across the way who's putting trash in her trash can.) Edie: "...like her. You can call her ma'am anytime you want. So are you two finding everything okay? Because we didn't do our realtor's walk-through." Mrs. Applewhite: "Everything is fine." Edie: "Oh, honey. Escrow's closed. Now I can show you where to put the buckets when the rain comes." Mrs. Applewhite: "Edie. The house is fine. But how lovely of you to stop by." Edie: "Okay. Here is my card. Call anytime you want. Bye." (Matthew and his mother watch Edie walk to her car.) Matthew: "People are very friendly in this neighborhood." Mrs. Applewhite: "Yes. Yes, they are." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan paces while on the phone. She is holding Mrs. Huber's journal.) Susan: "Mike, Hi, sweetie. I hope the job's going well. Um, so I hope you're not mad, but I found Mrs. Huber's journal in your truck, and, well, I couldn't exactly not read it, so I did, and, um, I know all about the blackmail, so call me. We'll talk. Love you. Bye." (Later, Susan is on the phone again.) Susan: "I haven't heard back, and I was getting a little concerned. The girls and I were talking, and, we think that maybe Paul Young killed Mrs. Huber, and if he did, then maybe he killed your old girlfriend, too, so we should really talk about this, so call me. I love you. Bye." (Later, Susan is on the phone again.) Susan: "I thought the whole point of having a cell phone was so someone could reach you when they needed to talk. How can we move forward as a couple if you won't communicate with me? Mike, I need you to call me back! I mean it! Love you. Bye." (Later, Susan is on the phone again.) Susan: "I am so sorry for that last phone call. Um, let's just say it was the worry talking. I just really need to talk to you, and-" (There's a small chirping sound coming from the phone.) Susan: "Can you hang on? I got another call. Hello?" Mike: "Hey, it's me."
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Susan: "Oh, my God. Where have you been?" Mike: "Uh, the reception's pretty lousy up here, but I got your messages." Susan: "Well, I'm really sorry for that last message. I was just, uh..." Mike: "Stressed out?" Susan: "Yes. Let's call it stressed out. Uh, so how did you get Martha Huber's journal? Mike: "Oh, um, her sister, Mrs. Tilman, gave it to me. She was helping me with my search." Susan: "I just really think we need to give it to the police." Mike: "Uh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely." Susan: "Really?" Mike: "Sure. Yeah. As soon as I get through with this job, we'll make an appointment with that detective, what's his name, uh, Copeland." Susan: "Great. That's great." Mike: "All right, so I'll, uh, see you in a few hours." Susan: "Okay. Hurry, though. I just have a feeling that Paul Young is in the middle of all of this." Mike: "Well, let's not rush to judgment." (Mike hangs up. He's in his truck and turns to look at the back seat, where Paul Young is tied up with tape over his mouth. Mike drives off into the mountains.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Courtroom Waiting Room] (Carlos is sitting in a chair wearing an orange jump suit with handcuffs on. Gabrielle enters carrying a suit.) Carlos: "What are you doing here?" Gabrielle: "I'm here to testify for you, Carlos. Can you take those off?" Policeman (unlocks Carlos' handcuffs): "Yes, ma'am." Gabrielle: "There's no way I'm dressing him." Carlos: "Gabby, thank god you're doing this. Beating up a second gay guy? It looks bad." Gabrielle: "Yes, well, Carlos, in some circles, beating people up at all is frowned upon." Carlos: "So why'd you change your mind?" Gabrielle: "Well, I'm about to be the mother of your child, which means a lot of responsibility and little time for myself. So if I'm gonna get you out of this mess, you have to reciprocate." Carlos: "Okay." Gabrielle: "When the baby cries in the middle of the night, you're gonna get up without saying one word. Doctors' appointments: you're driving. I'm not putting a car seat in my Maserati. And you will also be on bottle duty. That means washing, sterilizing, and filling. That way I'll have some semblance of a life, and then maybe I won't hate you so much." (Gabrielle tightens Carlos' tie. He winces. She fixes his collar.) Gabrielle: "All right, there we go. So we're good? See you in court." (Gabrielle begins walking out.) Carlos: "Hey, Gabby? Aren't we breast feeding?" Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, if you can swing that one, more power to you." (Gabrielle leaves the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pizza Place] (Inside a children's Pizza Parlor. Lynette and Parker enter, with Lynette pushing the stroller.) Parker: "Can I buy my own pizza?" Lynette: "Uh, you can, honey, If you can pay for it."
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(Lynette hears cheering and yelling. She looks over to the game area and sees Tom playing air hockey with a bunch of kids.) Tom: "Yeah, that is nineteen, nineteen, nineteen-zip. Bring it." Lynette: "Just stay here with Penny for a second, okay?" (Lynette walks into the game room and approaches Tom.) Lynette: "Tom?" Tom: "Yes! In your face! That is twenty-zip game, out!" Lynette: "Tom, what are you doing?" Tom: "I'm playing air hockey. What's it look like? Kevin, you're up." Lynette: "Well, it's the middle of the day, and shouldn't you be at work?" Tom: "Mm, no. I quit." Lynette: "You did not." Tom: "Yes. Yesterday. I told Peterson he could stick it. Boom! You're not bringing it, Kevin! Bring it!" Lynette: "Could you talk to me for a second? I don't understand." Tom: "What? You asked Peterson's wife to make sure he wouldn't promote me. So he gives a huge promotion to Annabel, so I quit. What don't you understand?" Lynette: "Okay. Okay. Could we go home and talk about this, please?" Tom: "No, we can't. Serve it up, meat." Lynette: "You're just gonna stay here and play games all day?" Tom: "No, I'm gonna go and get some ice cream, and then I'm gonna go up to the lake, maybe rent a boat, do whatever it is I feel like -- God!" Boy: "Gotcha!" Lynette: "Tom." Tom: "Go home, Lynette. Go home before I say something I regret. Go home." (Lynette walks away.) Tom: "All right, you. You score this next point, you get your bike back." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Bree is sitting beside Rex who is attached to various monitors. Rex opens his eyes and looks over at Bree.) Rex: "What are you thinking about?" Bree: "Oh, I was just, um, thinking that I need to start, uh, spring cleaning." Rex: "You haven't done that yet?" Bree: "No, and I need to clean out our rain gutters, and, uh, beneath the refrigerator, and I can't tell you how long it's been since I've replaced the shelf liner, so..." Rex: "Then you'll finish off with our wedding silver." Bree: "How did you know that?" Rex: "See, all those years, you didn't think I was paying attention. But I was." Bree: "And do you know why I save it for last?" Rex: "No." Bree: "Because it makes me think of my Aunt Fern. On the day we got married, I told her how happy I was, and she told me that even during bad times to always remember that the best was yet to come. And so as I polish it, I think about you and the kids and our life and how right she was." Rex: "They're gonna operate on me." Bree: "I know." Rex: "I wanna say some stuff just in case." Bree: "Rex, you don't have to say anything."
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Rex: "I'm sorry for everything I did. The moving out, the infidelity, the sex stuff..." Bree: "It doesn't matter. From here on in, can we just say that we're even?" (Rex reaches for Bree's hand. Bree clasps his hand.) Rex: "Okay." Bree: "Thanks." (Bree sits on the bed next to Rex and tenderly touches his face.) Bree: "And for the record, you are gonna come through this operation just fine." Rex: "How can you be so sure?" Bree: "Because I told you: the best is yet to come." (Bree kisses Rex. She places her head on his chest and Rex puts his arm around her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (Susan, Julie, and Karl come out. Karl is holding Julie's suitcase.) Julie: "So I'll see you Sunday. Don't forget to feed Bongo." Susan: "Oh, thanks. I'll go do that now." Karl: "Go on in the car, sweetie. I have to talk to your mom real quick." (Julie gets into her father's car.) Karl: "So you're gonna go live in sin with the plumber slash ex-con?" Susan: "It's funny you should mention sin. I think adultery still falls in that category." Karl: "I, I don't like the idea of this guy being around Julie twenty-four seven." Susan: "He's a good person." Julie: "Mike's cool, dad. He cares about us a lot, and I like having him around. So don't mess this up." Susan: "You heard the girl." Karl: "He's still a plumber." (Karl get into his car and drives away. Julie waves goodbye. Susan goes across the street to Mike's house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (She enters the darkened house with a key. Bongo begins barking and growling.) Susan: "Now, you be a good boy, Bongo, or you're gonna go to bed hungry." (Susan goes into the kitchen. Zach comes out from behind a wall. Susan turns and sees Zach. He has a gun in his hand.) Zach: "Hi, Ms. Mayer. Can you sit down, please?" (Susan is sitting at the dining room table. Zach is sitting across from her with the gun on the arm of the chair. Susan looks into the kitchen and sees a block with knives on the counter. She looks around the room. She sees a tall vase and part of a moose horn. She begins standing up.) Susan: "I'm just gonna go get some water." Zach: "I'd rather you didn't." (Susan slowly sits back down as Zach keeps his gun trained on her. Edie walks up Mike's porch. She knocks.) Zach: "Don't answer it. (Zach gets behind the door where it's dark and peeks out. Edie looks through the window and sees Susan quietly sitting there.) Edie: "I know you're in there, Susan. I can see you. If you don't want to talk to me, fine. At least have the courtesy to hide." (Edie begins to knock louder. Susan looks at Zach as though saying, "what should I do?") Zach: "All right, but don't let her in."
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(Susan gets up and opens the door a crack. Zach is standing behind the door holding the gun on her.) Susan: "Edie, what a pleasant surprise." Edie: "Right. Is Mike home?" Susan: "Uh, no, he's on a big plumbing job. What's up?" Edie: "Can I come in?" Susan: "Why?" Edie: "I'm warning all the neighbors. Felicia Tilman was attacked." Susan: "She was?" Edie: "At the Young house. They just took her away an ambulance. I'm totally freaked out. My guys haven't shown up at the job site yet. I'm over there all alone, so do you think maybe I could just come in and hang out for a while?" (Susan mouths "Zach is sticking a gun at me" to Edie, but Edie misunderstands.) Edie: "Stick it up my what?" Susan: "Just get the hell out of here." Edie: "God, you are such a bitch." (Susan slams the door on Edie. She faces Zach who continues holding the gun on her.) Susan: "Why?" Zach: "I asked Mrs. Tilman to tell me the truth about my father. She did." Susan: "What'd she say?" Zach: "Mr. Delfino took my dad away to kill him. Now I'm gonna kill Mr. Delfino." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Courtroom] (Gabrielle is on the stand.) Gabrielle: "Your Honor, this whole mess is just a result of my loneliness. My marriage is a bit strained, and after Carlos was convicted-" Judge: "No one's been convicted yet, Mrs. Solis. This is just a Grand Jury hearing." Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, I'm talking about his other crime." Judge: "Oh, right. Go ahead." Gabrielle: "Anyway, he was placed under house arrest, and he being the jealous man that he is, got a little crazy every time I left the house." (The courtroom is filled. Justin, with a bruised face, is sitting in the back. Also in the courtroom is the cable guy Carlos previously attacked.) Gabrielle: "He knows how men look at me, and, well, I, I didn't exactly ease his mind. I falsely led him to believe I was having an affair. And, and before Carlos's house arrest, he was always working, and he was never with me. And I thought that maybe if he believed I was having an affair, he would realize he loved me. And I know it sounds stupid, I do. I just-" Prosecution Attorney: "Is there a point to this?" Gabrielle: "My point is that Carlos is an angry, jealous Neanderthal. But he's not a gay-basher." Judge: "All right. I've heard enough. Counsel, approach." (Holding his hand over the microphone, the judge speaks with the attorneys.) Judge: "I've got to be honest, I don't think we have a hate crime here." (Gabrielle, listening intently, turns to Carlos and nods encouragingly at him. Just then, John enters the courtroom. As the judge and attorneys continue talking, John approaches Carlos from behind. Gabrielle watches in horror as John leans to whisper into Carlos' ear.) John: "Just so you know, you beat up the wrong guy. Didn't you think it was strange that you had the only lawn on Wisteria Lane that needed to be mowed three times a week?"
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(He claps Carlos on the back and gives Gabrielle a brief fierce stare before walking off.) (Carlos slowly turns his head to look at Gabrielle. Her eyes widen and Carlos turns his body to look at where John is standing directly behind Justin.) Carlos: "You are so dead! You are so dead. You are dead!" (Carlos jumps over the barrier and runs toward John. Judge pounds the gavel.) Judge: "Order!" Gabrielle: "Aaah. Carlos!" Attorney: "He's doing it again!" Lady: "He's going after the gay guy!" (Carlos runs toward John but Justin is in his way. He knocks Justin down.) Cable Guy: "Hey, for God's sakes. Somebody stop him!" Guard: "Get off of him!" Gabrielle: "Stop it!" (Guards pull Carlos up. John stares at Carlos with hate in his eyes. Carlos yells at John.) Carlos: "I'll kill you!" (He screams at John in Spanish, then switches back to English.) Carlos: "I am gonna kill you!" (The guards pull Carlos out of the room.) Judge: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please be seated. We will have order!" (Everyone sits down. Gabrielle looks at John who has a very smug look on his face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Desert] (Mike drives his truck up to a very deserted area. He gets out and opens the back door.) Mike: "Get out." (Mike pulls Paul out of the back. He pulls the tape off Paul's mouth. Paul's hands are tied behind his back. Mike takes a shovel out of the truck.) Paul: "I'm not trying to justify anything. I don't know how you knew Martha Huber, but she ruined lives. For fun. She destroyed my family." Mike: "This isn't about her." Paul: "I don't understand." Mike: "Walk." (Mike pushes Paul and they begin walking.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Rex's doctor, Dr. Craig, is looking at Rex's chart.) Dr. Craig: "Remember when we first tested you, your potassium level was bit high." Rex: "Yes. You made me stop eating bananas. Dr. Craig: "But as we've continued testing, it's kept climbing. We've now run an entire battery of tests, and your kidney function is fine. It has to be something you're ingesting." Rex: "Let me see. These numbers can't be right." Dr. Craig: "Who prepares your meals?" Rex: "Bree." Dr. Craig: "I understand you've been having some marital problems." Rex: "All right, wait a minute." Dr. Craig: "Wasn't there also an incident at a salad bar? She gave you onions when she knew you were allergic."
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Rex: "That was an accident." Dr. Craig: "You're getting this potassium from somewhere." Rex: "Get out." Dr. Craig: "Rex." Rex: "I mean it. Get out. Leave the chart. I want to read it." (Dr. Craig leaves the room. Rex begins reading his chart.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom comes in. He sits at the table across from Lynette.) Lynette: "So, did you have a fun day?" Tom: "As a matter of fact, I did. I probably had the most fun that I have had in a long time." Lynette: "You know, I didn't tell you to quit." Tom: "No. No, no, no. No, you made damn sure that I'd go nowhere for the next twenty years." Lynette: "I don't know what to say." Tom: "I hear "please forgive me" is popular." Lynette: "Yes, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. But I was trying to protect our family. If you got a promotion, we never would have seen you. You would have been traveling all the - " Tom: "Lynette, Lynette, Lynette, you're right. You're right. You're right. That promotion would have just killed us, so this is gonna all work out." Lynette: "What does that mean?" Tom: "It means that I can use the break." Lynette: "Oh, well, yeah. I think it would be good for you to take some time off." Tom: "No, not some time. Full time. I'm gonna be a stay-at-home dad." Lynette: "Huh?" Tom: "What the heck? You earn the living for a while." Lynette: "Tom, that's...crazy." Tom: "Why? Why is it crazy? You and I both know that you're better at the ad game, and you tell me all the time how hard it is to be a mom." Lynette: "Well, yes, yes, it is hard, but I, I love it, too, and I've been doing it for six years, and I haven't complained the entire time." Tom: "Fair enough. Fair enough. But be honest. Secretly, you miss the ad game, don't you? I mean, you miss the pressure and the deadlines and the, the power lunches. Or am I wrong? Maybe, maybe you want to sort dirty socks the rest of your life." Lynette: "We should talk about this seriously before we make any rash decisions." Tom: "I already made the decision. You're going back to work." (Tom gets up and goes upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Susan is sitting on the stairs. Zach is sitting on the floor next to Bongo.) Susan: "Can I at least get you something to eat, Zach?" Zach: "You can get me a soda. Thanks." (Susan gets up and walks toward the kitchen. Zach gets up behind her. Susan goes to the refrigerator.) Susan: "I gotta say, I think you're making a mistake. Mike couldn't kill anybody. I mean, this could just be a misunderstanding." (Susan hands Zach a soda she has opened for him.) Zach: "This is not a misunderstanding."
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Susan: "Listen, I know you're upset, but is this really what you think your mother would want you doing?" Zach: "Probably not." Susan: "Exactly. Because she raised you right. Look you have been through a lot. you've lost your mom. you're still carrying around the guilt over what happened to your baby sister." Zach: "I never had a baby sister!" Susan: "Honey, I know about Dana." Zach: "How stupid are you? I'm Dana. My mother was some junkie. They stole me and changed my name. They have been lying to me my entire life. Everyone lies to me! My mother! My father! Mrs. Tilman! Even Julie. Do you understand how much that hurts?" Susan: "Look, Zach. I know you're upset. Let's just, let's just sit down and talk." Zach: "Why! So you can lie to me also?" (He points the gun at her and she puts her hand up as though pleading for Zach to stop.) Zach: "No more talking." (Susan nods and Zach points the gun downward.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Rex closes his chart. He breathes heavily as he grabs a pen and paper and begins to write, "Bree, I understand and I forgive you.") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is polishing silver when the phone rings.) Bree: "Hello?" Dr. Craig: "Bree, it's Dr. Craig. I'm at the hospital, and I'm afraid I have some bad news." Bree: "Oh?" Dr. Craig: "Rex passed away about ten minutes ago." Bree: "But his operation, it's not until tomorrow." Dr. Craig: "I know. He just didn't make it. I'm so sorry. We did everything we could. Bree?" Bree: "Yes, of course you did. Thank you very much for calling." (Bree slowly hangs up the phone. She walks into the dining room and finishes polishing the silver. She closes the box and puts it on the shelf. She walks to the table and straightens the tablecloth. She sits down and, looking at the empty chair across the table from her, begins to sob.) (The camera slowly pans over to a photograph of Bree and Rex on their wedding day. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Desert] (Paul and Mike continue walking.) Paul: "This is a long way to go to do what you could have done in my backyard. You're kind of taking your time, walking a lot. You sure you know what you're doing? You ever actually had to kill anyone for real before?" Mike: "Yeah." Paul: "Oh." Mike: "But since you're so tired of walking, let's just do this here." (Mike pushes Paul to his knees. He pulls out a gun and points it at Paul.) Paul: "I don't expect any favors from you, obviously. But could you at least do me the courtesy of telling me why we're here?" (Mike pulls out a photograph of him and Deirdre and tosses on the ground in front of Paul.) Paul: "You knew Deirdre?" Mike: "Yeah. And I know what you did to her. She was just a sad girl with a lot of problems, and she did some
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terrible, crazy, selfish stuff, but you tell me what she ever could have done to deserve death at the hands of somebody like you." Paul: "It's complicated. It's, uh, complicated." Mary Alice Voiceover:"And just like that, my husband began sharing my secrets." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's House] (Flashback to when Mary Alice was alive. Mary Alice cut up some vegetables.) Mary Alice: "You want some carrots, Zachary?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"Secrets I had died to protect. (She carries the carrots into the dining room.) Mary Alice: "There you go. We have to get that fence up in the backyard before the pool's finished." Paul: "I know." Mary Alice: "I'm serious. You know how kids are drawn to water." (She continues cutting up vegetables when there's a knocking at the door. She goes to answer the door, opens it, and finds Deirdre standing there.) Deirdre: "Hello, Angela." (Later, Deirdre sits in the living room across from Paul and Mary Alice.) Deirdre: "You did a good job covering your tracks. I had to spend a lot of my father's money hunting you down." Mary Alice: "Congratulations. You found us." Deirdre: "You know, I never told the police what happened." Paul: "You didn't?" Deirdre: "They would have put Dana in foster care, or worse, given him to my father. So I kept our little secret." Mary Alice: "Well, we appreciate that." Deirdre:"Anyway, I guess you can see I've gotten myself cleaned up." Mary Alice: "Yes, you look lovely." Deirdre: "I'm not the same person you knew back then, Angela. I'm in a good place now." Mary Alice: "You can't have him." Deirdre: "Just because I didn't go to the police before doesn't mean I can't do it now." (Mary Alice stands up.) Mary Alice: "Zach is our son." Deirdre: "His name is Dana." Mary Alice: "If you think I'm giving my baby to some junkie, you're crazy." Deirdre: "He's not your baby." Paul: "Look, just calm down." Deirdre: "You were always so high and mighty back at the clinic, looking down on us poor degenerates, pretending you wanted to help when all you really wanted was to feel superior. You self-righteous bitch." Mary Alice: "You're still using, aren't you?" Deirdre: "Go to hell." (Mary Alice grabs Deirdre's arm. Deirdre tries to pull away.) Deirdre: "What are you doing?" Mary Alice: "Let me see your arm." Deirdre: "I said I'm clean!" (Paul steps in.He separates them.) Paul: "Take it easy. Let's just take it easy."
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(Deirdre begins to go to the stairs.) Mary Alice: "Where do you think you're going?" Deirdre: "I'm getting my son, and I'm taking him home." Mary Alice: "Paul, stop her." (Paul runs after her and grabs her.) Paul: "Deirdre, please." (He pushes her back to living room and she falls on the floor.) Paul: "Come on. Sit down. Sit down." Deirdre: "Get your hands off me!" Mary Alice: "We raised him. We're his parents." Paul: "Come on. Come on." (Deirdre grabs the poker from the fireplace and hits Paul. He collapses.) Mary Alice: "Paul!" Deirdre: "Don't worry. I'll give him a good home." (Deirdre throws the fireplace poker down and starts towards the stairs again. Mary Alice grabs a knife and stabs Deirdre.) Mary Alice: "No!" (Deirdre falls coughing and groaning. Paul begins to get up, holding his bleeding forehead.) Paul: "Oh, Mary Alice. What did you do?" (Mary Alice goes to Zach's room, quickly emptying his toy chest. Zach wakes up.) Zach: "Mommy?" Mary Alice: "It's okay, Zach. Mommy needs to borrow your toy chest. You go back to sleep, okay?" (She hugs him.) (In the living room the toy chest is next to Deirdre's body.) Paul: "What are we gonna do?" Mary Alice: "You said they were pouring the Concrete for the Pool tomorrow?" Paul: "You can't be serious." Mary Alice: "They'll never find her. We can put her in this." Paul: "She won't fit." Mary Alice: "Then we'll have to make her fit." (Mary Alice bends down and pushes Deirdre's sleeves up.) Paul: "What are you doing?" Mary Alice: "Checking for track marks." (They see that her arms are clean.) (Mary Alice looks up to see Zach standing on the stairs watching them.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - In the Desert] Mike: "Deirdre had a baby?" Paul (nods): "Let's get this over with." (Mike points the gun at Paul. After a few seconds, he drops his hand, then walks away, leaving Paul tied up on his knees, watching him go.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's an odd thing to look back on the world, to watch those I left behind. Each in her own way so brave, so determined, and so very desperate." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House]
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"Desperate to venture out, but afraid of what she'll miss when she goes." (Lynette stands in the doorway of the boys' room watching them sleep.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Desperate to get everything she wants, even when she's not exactly sure of what that is." (Gabrielle sits alone in her bedroom.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Desperate for life to be perfect again, although she realizes it never really was." (Bree is in her bedroom, laying out Rex's burial clothes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Desperate for a better future, if she can find a way to escape her past." (Zach stands by the front door and Susan is at the kitchen table.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's House] (Focus in on the original picture of the five women hugging each other and smiling for the camera.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"I not only watch, I cheer them on, these amazing women. I hope so much they'll find what they're looking for." (Mike pulls in the street in his truck. He pulls into his driveway and walks into his house. Zach and Susan hear him walk up the stairs.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But I know not all of them will. Sadly, that's just not the way life works. Not everyone gets a happy ending." Mike walks into his house and closes the door behind him. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2x01 Next -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate HousewivesEdie:You're awfully brave buying a place site unseen. Mrs. Applewhite:We could tell from the advertisement it was just what we were looking for. Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes... Gabrielle: Who ever said you were the father? John: Didn't you think it was strange that you have the only lawn on wisteria lane that needed to be mowed three times a week? Carlos:I am going to kill you! Mary Alice Voiceover: ...the truth about our loved ones... Tom:You asked peterson's wife to make sure he wouldn't promote me,so I quit. I'm gonna bea stay-at-home dad. Lynette:We should... talk about this. Tom:You're goin' back to work.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:...can lead you into harm's way. Rex:I think I'm having a heart attack. Bree:You are gonna come through this operation just fine. Bree:Hello? Dr. Craig:Rex passed away about ten minutes ago.I'm so sorry. Zach:Mr. Delfino took my dad away to kill him.Now I'm gonna kill Mr. Delfino. End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -Nighttime] (Ida Greenberg comes out her front door holding a paper bag with a bottle hidden inside.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor." (She looks around to see if anyone is looking then drinks from the bottle.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"People had seen her drunk at sewing bees..." (Bree sitting on a couch with various neighbors, Ida included. She hiccups.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...the Department of Motor Vehicles..." (Lynette standing in line at the DMV. Ida is one person ahead of her. She hiccups.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and the first Methodist church." (Edie Britt is sitting in a church pew behind Ida, who burps.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't." (Ida staggers down the street, holding the bottle. She looks up to the sky.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Then one night in a moment of despair, she challenged God to quench her never-ending thirst." (Ida drinks from the bottle as Mike Delfino's truck comes around the corner.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Luckily for Ida, God was listening." (Mike pulls his truck into his driveway. He gets out and opens the front door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Mike enters his house and sees Zach standing there, holding a gun. Susan is sitting at the kitchen table. Bongo, Mike's dog, begins whining, barking and growling. Zach slowly raises the gun at Mike.) Mike: "Zach, listen to me." (Zach pulls the hammer of the gun back. Susan leaps out of her chair and rushes toward Zach.) Susan: "No!" (Susan knocks Zach over and the gun goes flying. Mike pulls Zach off Susan and pushes him to the wall. Susan rolls away and picks up the gun. She points it toward where Zach is.) Susan: "Not so tough now, are you?" (Bongo continues barking. He runs at Susan and bites her pant leg. He pulls on her jeans.) Susan: "Uh! Ow! Oh! Bongo, no! Bongo! Bongo! Oh!" (Mike turns and sees Bongo biting Susan. He rushes toward Susan and lets Zach go.) Mike: "Bongo, no!" (Mike pulls Bongo off Susan. Susan falls into the chair and the gun she is holding goes off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Ida is holding the bottle. The bullet hits the bottle Ida is holding and shatters. Ida stands there holding the broken bottle.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Mike's House] (In the confusion, Zach runs out of Mike's house and down the street.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Ida looks down at the broken bottle then up to the sky.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was at that moment it occurred to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane-Daytime] (Inside Mary Alice Young's house, a picture of hers sits on a table, with spiderwebs on it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It had been a year since my death, and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. Children had learned new games." (Outside young boys shout and play balls.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"New neighbors had moved in." (Mrs. Applegate and her son, Matthew, are in their front yard taking down the real estate signs.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Old houses had been rebuilt..." (Edie Britt's house in construction looks almost completed. Edie is outside directing the workman.) Edie: "I told you guys twice. Okay, Craig, what's going on? Let's see." Mary Alice Voiceover:"And fresh tragedies had occurred. In one house, a widow was getting ready to tell her friends of her husband's passing." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is sitting at the dining room table. In front of her is a small framed painting of her and Rex on their wedding day. Her hand rests patiently on the cordless phone, watching the clock which read 5 minutes to 9:00.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But until the time was right, she would wait. And life, as it tends to do, would go on." (Bree continues to watch the seconds tick by on the clock.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Susan in lying in a hospital gown with cotton in her mouth and swollen lips.) Susan: "I look like hell. I need a hairbrush." (Julie approaches and lightly fluffs her mom's pillow.) Julie: "Yeah, um, that's not gonna help." (Mike and a police officer enter the room.) Mike: "Susan, Officer Romslo is here for your statement." (The officer looks at Susan's swollen lips.) Officer Romslo Romslo: "Zach Young do that?" Mike: "No. Uh, she fell. Bit her lip. It was an accident." Officer Romslo: "Okay. So, uh, walk me through what happened." Susan (mumbling): "Well, I went over Mike's to feed the dog." Officer Romslo: "I'm sorry?" Julie: "Feed the dog." (Susan removes the bloody cotton from her mouth.)
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Susan: "Uh, and I turned around, and there was Zach Young - and that's Zach with an "h" - pointing a gun at me." (Julie points to the cotton.) Julie: "The doctor said keep that in." (Susan puts the cotton back in her mouth.) Susan: "Ouch." Mike: "You gotta understand, Zach's had a tough time. He's got emotional issues. Susan: "Yeah, he's crazy!" Mike: "Still, I don't think he meant to hurt anybody." Susan: "Uh, hello! Uh, he was waiting there for you to come home so he could kill you." Officer Romslo: "Is that what happened when you got home? The kid took a shot at you?" Mike: "Actually, Susan fired the gun." (Susan spits out the cotton.) Susan: "Okay, that's because I was wrestling it away from Zach so that he wouldn't shoot you." (The officer stares at Susan as her mouth begins to bleed again.) Susan: "Oh, God! Oh, there's blood." Julie: "Could we do this later? She's kind of a mess right now." Susan: "Yeah." Mike: "Yeah, I think I can fill in the rest for you." Officer Romslo: "I'd appreciate it. You feel better, Mrs. Mayer." Susan: "Thanks." (Officer Romslo and Mike leave the room.) Susan: "Ow! That hurts." Julie: "I'm gonna get you more ice. " Susan: "Okay." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Hallway] (Julie comes out of the room and sees Mike and the officer talking. They don't see her.) Mike: "No, I'm telling you. Susan really flew off the handle when she jumped the kid." (Julie looks shocked.) Officer Romslo: "So you're saying this was more of a domestic squabble?" Mike: "Definitely, yeah. Are we required to press charges?" Officer Romslo: "Well, you're not really required, but it's something you should really consider when a handgun is involved." (They walk out of Julie's hearing. Julie stares after them, then goes to get ice. The clock on the wall reads 4 minutes to 9:00.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle gets out of the shower and wraps a towel around herself. She looks on the floor and sees rose petals strewn all over the floor. She follows the petals into her bedroom and finds John laying on her bed, in his boxer shorts, drinking from a champagne flute.) Gabrielle: "John! How did you get in here?" John: "I know where you keep the key. Mimosa?" Gabrielle: "No, I'm pregnant, you jackass!" John: "I made yours with seltzer." Gabrielle: "Do you have any idea what you've done? That little stunt you pulled yesterday in the courtroom
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could get Carlos sent away for eight years!" John: "Yeah, I thought you might be a little mad about that. But once you calm down, you'll see that it's just the two of us. It's gonna be awesome." (Gabrielle sees John duffle bag on the floor.) Gabrielle: "You brought luggage?" (Gabrielle, still wrapped in a towel, carries the bag down the stairs. John follows her to the front door.) John: "He's gone. We don't have to sneak around anymore. We can have a real relationship. It's what's best for the three of us." Gabrielle: "The three of us? How exactly does that benefit Carlos?" John: "I'm talking about my baby." Gabrielle: "You don't know it's your baby. I don't even know it's your baby. And I don't wanna know 'cause it doesn't matter!" (Gabrielle opens the front door and throws John's bag outside, grunting.) John: "So what, you don't love me?" Gabrielle: "Well, up until the point that you told my husband we were having an affair, I was quite fond of you. Since then, not a fan!" (Gabrielle shoves John outside and slams the door. The clock shows 2 minutes to 9:00.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette comes running downstairs, dressed professionally, with a briefcase in her hand.) Lynette: "Hey!" Tom: "Hey." (The kids are sitting in the living room, finger painting.) Lynette: "Oh, why on earth would you let them finger paint before breakfast?" Tom: "It's my job to clean that up now, so it's my call, right?" (Lynette pours herself coffee.) Lynette: "You're right. I'm sorry." Tom: "Hey, I thought the meeting wasn't until one." Lynette: "Oh, I have a thousand things to do before that. Borrow a decent scarf from Bree, buy a lipstick I don't hate." (Parker runs up to Lynette, holding a picture. His hands are covered in finger paint.) Parker: "Mommy, Mommy, look!" (Lynette quickly backs away.) Lynette: "Aah! No! No! No, nobody touches Mommy, okay? I love you, I love your finger painting, but if you touch me with those messy hands, I will cut them off." (Lynette places her fingertip on Parker's head and turns him away from her.) Lynette: "Go on. Off. Good." Tom: "It's okay. A little nervous?" Lynette: "Who? me? I've been out of work for seven years, I'm a woman of a certain age in a business that values youth above all else. Why should I be nervous?" Tom: "You are experienced. You are brilliant. You are going to nail this job interview, okay?" Lynette: "Thank you." (Tom approaches her and leans in for a kiss.) Lynette: "Uh, no. I can't. You're very, so..." Tom: "Yeah." Lynette: "Thank you. Here."
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(Lynette leans over and carefully kisses Tom on the lips.) Lynette: "Oh, my cell phone." (She runs upstairs.) (The clock on the counter shows 1 minute to 9:00.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is sitting with her hand on the cordless phone, tapping it as she watches the seconds tick to 9:00. The clock chimes 9:00 a.m. Bree picks up the phone and dials.) Bree: "Lynette, hi, it's Bree. I do hope I's not calling too early. Hmm? Oh, of course you can borrow that scarf. I'll press it for you. Um, I have, uh, some news. Rex died." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Gabrielle's Front Porch) (Susan, holding an ice bag on her mouth, sits with Lynette and Gabrielle.) Susan: "I thought they were gonna operate. What happened?" Lynette: "Apparently Rex's heart just gave out." Susan: "Oh, my god. So when can we see Bree?" Lynette: "She said she was gonna call. She's got a lot of things to do, planning for the funeral, that sort of thing." Gabrielle: "She doesn't look that busy to me." (They all turn and see Bree standing by her trash can in the driveway, holding a carton of milk. They walk up to her.) Lynette: "Hi. What are you doing out here?" Bree: "Oh, I'm just waiting for, uh, Rex's mother. She's gonna be here any second. " Gabrielle: "Honey, we are so sorry." Bree: "Oh, do one of you drink soy milk? I was cleaning out the fridge this morning, and Rex is the only one who drinks it. I just bought it on Friday. I'd hate to throw it away." (Lynette, Susan and Gabrielle shake their heads no.) Bree: "What a waste." (Bree puts the milk into the trash can.) Lynette: "Aw, sweetie." Susan: "Honey, you can let it out." Bree: "No. No, I can't afford to fall apart right now." Susan: "Why?" Bree: "You're about to find out." (A taxi comes squealing around the corner. A woman is sticking her head out the back window, shouting.) Phyllis: "Bree! Oh, stop here. This is the house." Susan: "Is that?" Bree: "Yes, that is Rex's mother." (The woman sobs as she climbs out of the cab and staggers over to where the women are standing.) Phyllis: "I can't believe it. It's like some hideous nightmare. My life is over! My life is over!" (She clings to Bree.) (Bree pats her on the back and the ladies stare at Rex's mother.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (A young man carries a plate of food into the office where Lynette is sitting with an interviewer, Nina Fletcher. Phones ring in the background.)
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Nina: "It appears there's a seven-year gap since your last position. What, did you take some time off?" Lynette: "I was a stay-at-home mom. I wish it had taken time off." Nina: "Boy or girl?" Lynette: "A girl. And three boys." Nina: "Four kids?" Lynette: "Yeah, of course, they won't get in the way of the job because my husband's staying home with them from now on." Nina: "I knew I could never do both jobs justice. That's why I chose not to have a family. I didn't want to be one of those kind of women. You know, sloughing things off onto coworkers because of a pediatrician appointment or a dance recital. I get really neurotic about putting people out." Lynette: "With all due respect, Nina, won't be an issue. I can leave home at home." Nina: "And it's not gonna break your heart to leave those sad little faces behind?" Lynette: "Are you kidding? This office is paradise. Grown-ups talking about grown-up things. No screaming, no vomiting, no boogers under the table. You're gonna have to drag me outta here kicking and screaming weekends, holidays, whenever." Nina: "All right, Ed wants to make the final decision. So I will bring you back tomorrow at three for a follow-up." Lynette: "Well, that, that sounds great. Thank you." Nina: "Lynette, be early. Show me something." Lynette: "Okay." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Danielle is helping her grandmother unpack her suitcase. Andrew is sitting at the table. Danielle picks up a teddy bear from the suitcase.) Danielle: "No way. Dad did not have a teddy bear." Phyllis: "He most certainly did. Oh, that was Doolittle. Your father never went anywhere without him." (Bree walks into the room carrying a tea tray.) Bree: "Here's your tea, Phyllis." Phyllis: "Oh. (picks up an orange tie from the suitcase) Oh! Look, Bree. This was the tie that Rex wore when he graduated from prep school. I think he should wear it. You know, for the funeral?" Bree: "Phyllis, that's an orange tie." Phyllis: "Well, those were his school colors: green and orange." Bree: "Well, um, he's being buried in a blue suit." (Andrew gets up and walks to the suitcase.) Phyllis: "Maybe he could be buried in a different suit." Bree: "I don't think so, but thank you, though." Andrew: "You, uh, you kept dad's old comic books?" Phyllis: "Oh, yes, I kept everything. Look here. I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did." Andrew: "Well, looks like dad was into big breasts." Phyllis: "Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother." (Bree stares at Phyllis. Phyllis meets Bree's eyes and Bree smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail Visiting Room] (Carlos sits back in his chair, not talking to Gabrielle sitting across from him.) Gabrielle: "So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little
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affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work." (Carlos stands up from the table and starts to walk away.) Gabrielle: "No, okay. That was a stretch. I'm sorry. Carlos, wait! Come back. Look, I wanna start over. We're gonna have a baby. Isn't that what you always wanted? Carlos, wait! I said I was sorry and I love you! What more do you want?" Carlos: "I want a paternity test." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty Applewhite is sweeping her front porch as Bree and Danielle approach. Bree is holding a basket of cookies.) Bree: "Mrs. Applewhite, hi. I am Bree Van de Kamp, and this is my daughter Danielle." Betty: "Hello." Danielle: "Hi." Matthew: "Hey, I'm Matthew." Betty: "This is my son." Bree: "Hi. I would have been over sooner to introduce myself, but I'm afraid there's been a death in my family." Danielle: "My dad." Betty: "I'm so sorry." Matthew: "I lost my dad, too. I know what you must be going through right now." Danielle: "Thank you." Bree: "Anyway, I'm afraid that my visit has an ulterior motive. The organist at our church is on vacation, and Edie Britt mentioned that you used to be a concert pianist, and - " Betty: "I would be honored to play for you. Why don't I bring some sheet music over later and we can plan some selections?" Bree: "Thank you. That's just a huge weight off my shoulders. (She hands the cookies to Betty.) Oh, these are for you." Betty: "How sweet. Bree, we widows have to stick together." Bree: "Bye." (Bree and Danielle leave.) Betty: "Pretending your father's dead? Don't you find that a little morbid?" Matthew: "Well, I just thought it could help our cover story, okay? Just, you know, win 'em over." Betty: "Oh, sweetie. I know you meant well. But in the future, you leave the cleverness to me." (Betty walks into the house, carrying the cookies.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Front Yard] (Susan is pounding a security sign into the grass as Julie approaches.) Julie: "Since when are we protected by Dorset security?" Susan: "We're not. It's a deterrent in case Zach comes back. I told Mike I didn't sleep last night, so he got me this sign. That guy is so supportive. You know he's out right now in a ride-along with the police searching for Zach?" Julie: "Really?" Susan: "Yeah. He's determined to see that kid behind bars. So tomorrow at school, I want you to let
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everybody know that we got this new, expensive security system." Julie: "Mom." Susan: "Just work it into the conversation. You know, put the word out there." Julie: "I've gotta tell you something." Susan: "Emphasize the motion detectors." Julie: "Mom, stop, stop. Listen." Susan: "What? What is it?" Julie: "Yesterday I overheard Mike telling that cop that he didn't wanna press charges against Zach. He made the whole thing sound like it was your fault." Susan: "My fault?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Gabrielle enters the Prenatal and Neonatal Care Department and approaches the desk. A young lady with multi-colored hair and various face piercings is sitting behind the desk, reading.) Gabrielle: "Hi, uh, I need a paternity test." Receptionist: "Well, we'll just schedule you for an exam." Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no. I don't need to take a test. I am just trying to reassure my husband of what I know is true in my heart. So if you could just slip me someone else's test results, I could make my own. I got Photoshop for Christmas. Oh, come on. You look like a fun-loving girl. I am sure you've been in a couple hairy situations of your own." Receptionist: "Just because I choose to express myself doesn't mean that I condone adultery. Sorry." (The receptionist walks away and Gabrielle turns and sees a young lady sitting down looking at a sheet of paper and crying. Gabrielle walks over to her and sits down.) Gabrielle: "Paternity test results? I know. I'm in the same situation." Woman: "Really?" Gabrielle: "Mm-hmm." Woman: "I just found out the clinic screwed up and gave me an egg that belonged to some lesbian. It was supposed to implanted in her lover, and now my husband's freaking out because he thinks that our baby's gonna be gay!" Gabrielle: "Okay. We're in slightly different situations. But do you wanna get a cup of coffee and talk about it?" Woman: "Yeah. That'd be nice. Thanks." Gabrielle: "Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. We shouldn't let a stupid piece of paper ruin our life." (Gabrielle pulls the paper from the woman's hands.) Woman: "Yeah!" (The woman gets up and walks off. Gabrielle follows, folding the paper neatly.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Living Room] (The Reverend, Bree, and Phyllis are sitting. Phyllis takes sheets of paper out of her purse and writes things down.) Reverend: "Obviously, I've known Rex for years, but when it comes to writing a eulogy, I like as much input from the family as possible." Bree: "Oh. Well, um, what kind of input?" Phyllis: "Oh, he means anecdotes, little stories. Isn't that what you mean, Reverend?" Reverend: "Well, yes, but, uh, also-" Phyllis: "I thought that you might need some help, so last night I stayed up all night and tried to remember funny things and moments that said so much about Rex as a person."
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Reverend: "My. How, how many pages do you have there?" Phyllis: "Fifteen." (Phyllis stands to hand the Reverend the sheets. Bree reaches over and grabs them from Phyllis' hand. They all sit down. Bree begins reading the sheets.) Phyllis: "Well, you're hardly going to have to write anything at all, Reverend. Some of those anecdotes are just priceless." Bree: "Phyllis, these are all things that happened to Rex before he went to college." Phyllis: "So?" Bree: "Well, don't you think it'd be nice if Reverend devoted part of the eulogy to his life after he was married?" Phyllis: "Oh, well, yes, of course. The Reverend will mention that part of his life." Bree: "He's going to do more than mention it. That's the part he'll focus on. In fact, I think three anecdotes from Rex's childhood is more than enough." (She hands the Reverend several of the sheets.) Reverend: "Um, that, that seems fair." Phyllis: "Well, whatever you think is appropriate." Reverend: "Fine." Phyllis: "I just thought if we were going to focus on a time in Rex's life, that we might as well focus on the happiest time." Reverend: "Let's talk flowers. Now I know lilies are traditional, but I think I can get you a deal on some white roses." Bree: "Reverend, if you don't call her on that incredibly insensitive comment, I'm gonna lose it." Reverend: "I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded." Phyllis: "I knew exactly what I was saying." Reverend: "Ladies!" Bree: "The happiest time in Rex's life was not his childhood. He loved being a husband and he loved being a father." Phyllis: "He may have loved being a father, but your marriage was a disaster." Bree: "Phyllis, is there something you'd like to say?" Phyllis: "You made the last years of Rex's life miserable and now he's dead and he'll never have another chance at happiness." Bree: "You are no longer invited to the funeral." Phyllis: "What?" Reverend: "You're not serious?" Bree: "Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security, and those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks" Reverend: "Bree, this is your grief talking." Bree: "Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church." Reverend: "Bree!" Bree: "I am not kidding. I will go nondenominational so fast, it will make your head spin." (Bree smiles at Phyllis and walks out of the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Construction Site] (Edie is drinking coffee as Susan approaches.) Edie: "Ugh. (She throws the cup away.) Susan! I heard what happened with Zach. How are you doing?"
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Susan: "Fine. Is Mike here?" Edie: "Inside. Jeez. You must have been terrified. I mean, he put poor Felicia in the hospital. Did he pistol whip you?" Susan: "No." Edie: "Oh, come on. You can tell me. Did he slap you around?" Susan: "No." Edie: "Well, don't get me wrong. I'm, I'm thrilled that you're okay. It's just that when someone holds someone else hostage, they usually rough 'em up a little." Susan: "It wasn't like that." Edie: "Oh. Not even a little kicking?" Susan: "Edie!" (Edie walks toward the house and passes Mike coming out.) Edie: "Someone to see you." Mike: "Well, hey, how's it goin'?" Susan: "Good. There's a rumor going around that you don't wanna press charges against Zach. Is that true?" Mike: "Yeah." Susan: "Wow. Um, I find that confusing." Mike: "Look, if we make a big deal out of this, he could end up going to prison." Susan: "He held a gun to my face, so I'm thinking, good." Mike: "I've been to prison. He couldn't handle it." Susan: "Who cares?" Mike: "I care." Susan: "Well, you should care more about me. I'm your girlfriend. We're moving in together. He's just a neighbor. You don't even know Zach." Mike: "I know enough about him to know that deep down, he's a good kid." Susan: "Mike, he wanted to kill you." Mike: "But he didn't." Susan: "You never asked me why Zach wanted to shoot you. Aren't you curious?" Mike: "Does it matter?" Susan: "Zach said you kidnapped his father so you could kill him." Mike: "I didn't kill Paul Young." Susan: "I didn't think you did. Now tell me why Zach does." Mike: "I found some evidence that suggested that Paul murdered Deirdre. Sixteen years ago, Deirdre had a baby, and Paul and Mary Alice Young kidnapped him and raised him as their own. Deirdre tracked him down here to Wisteria Lane and demanded her baby back." Susan: "So Paul killed her?" Mike: "Actually, it was Mary Alice." Susan: "Oh, my God." (Edie comes out of the house and hands Mike his cell phone.) Edie: "Mike? I answered your phone. It's the police." Mike: "Yeah. Delfino. You did? Okay, I can be there in 20 minutes. (He hangs up.) Zach's dead. They want me to come identify the body." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Morgue] (Mike and Susan approach a covered body.) Officer Romslo: "Thanks for coming down. Since the kid's father is missing, we didn't know who else to call.
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So, you folks ready?" (Mike nods. A medical examiner lifts the covering over the body. A blond teenager with spiked hair lies on the table. Mike walks away from the table.) Susan: "That's not Zach." Officer Romslo: "You're sure?" Susan: "He had a gun in my face for six hours. I know what he looks like." (Susan turns and looks over at Mike.) Susan: "Can you give us a minute?" Officer Romslo: "Sure." (Susan walks over to Mike.) Susan: "Zach is your son, isn't he?" Mike: "Yeah. I'm pretty sure." Susan: "How long have you known?" Mike: "Paul Young told me. Deirdre got pregnant before I went to jail and, um, told me she had an abortion. Guess she lied." Susan: "I see." Mike: "When I took Paul out to the desert, and I was so angry, I just wanted to hurt him the way they hurt Deirdre. But then when he told me that he and Mary Alice had taken care of Deirdre's baby, my baby, that rage just went away. Kept me from doing something really stupid." Susan: "Wow. I'm gonna take a cab home, okay?" (Susan leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is cleaning the kitchen counter.) Andrew: "Mom, Grandma's leaving, all right? You have to talk to her." Bree: "No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me-" Andrew: "Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, okay? But she's family. That makes her our bitch. Let her say good-bye to dad." Bree: "She went out of her way to be cruel to me. I don't want her at the funeral." Danielle (crying): "Mom, if you don't let Grandma come, I will never forgive you." Andrew: "Did I ask for your help? You know dad would want her there." (Bree removes her cleaning gloves and walks into the front hall where Phyllis is standing by her bags.) Bree: "It's true Rex and I did not have the perfect marriage, but for eighteen years I tried my very best, and for that I am entitled to your respect." Phyllis: "Of course you are. Of course I respect you." Bree: "Well, then why did you say those things to me?" Phyllis: "I guess I thought it would be easier to be angry at you than to be angry with Rex. I mean, what was he thinking, leaving me?" (She begins to cry and Bree hugs her.) Bree: "I do want you to come to the funeral." Phyllis: "Oh, you don't know what that means to me, Bree. Thank you." (She begins walking up the stairs, then stops and turns back to Bree.) Phyllis: "Someone should get my luggage." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette is in a black suit carrying her briefcase and Penny. )
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Lynette: "Okay, let's get outta here. Tom?" Tom: "Yeah?" (She turns and sees Tom lying on the floor.) Lynette: "What's the matter?" Tom: "My back - I threw it out. I was holding Parker upside down." (Lynette puts Penny into the playpen and grabs Tom's feet.) Lynette: "Okay. Come on. Give me your feet." (Lynette pushes his feet toward his body. A cracking noise is heard and Tom groans.) Lynette: "How's that? Is that better?" Tom: "Honey, can you push the interview? Because I don't think I'm gonna be able to take care of Penny like this." Lynette: "Don't do this to me. I don't have time to make a phone call, and I promised that woman I would not let the kids interfere with this job." Tom: "But that was a stupid promise." (Lynette pushes Tom's legs toward his body again and he grunts.) Lynette: "Remember that time when you were away in Tucson, and I had a 104 fever, but I still managed to take the kids trick-or-treating?" Tom: "Honey, I don't think that's helping." Lynette: "Tom, being a mom is like being an E.R. doctor. There are no days off, so get up! Get up!" Tom: "Okay." (He tries to stand, but can't move.) Lynette: "Jeez, are you crying?" Tom: "Just a little. I'll be fine. You just go. Just go." Lynette: "Oh, for god sakes!" L(ynette picks up Penny and the diaper bag.) Tom: "Give 'em hell, honey!" Lynette: "You!" (Lynette leaves, carrying Penny.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette rushes into the office, carrying Penny. A male secretary is at the font desk.) Secretary: "Hi, Mrs. Scavo. You can wait inside. They'll be right in." Lynette: "Great. Listen, uh..." Secretary: "Stu." Lynette: "Stu. You look like a bright, uh, responsible young man, and I bet you just love kids. Am I right?" (Stu stares at Penny.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nina's Office] (Lynette waits in Nina's office. Nina and Ed enter.) Lynette: "Ah." Nina: "Oh. Ed Ferrara, Lynette Scavo." Lynette: "Thanks so much for having me in." Ed: "Nice to meet you. Please, sit." Lynette: "Thank you." Ed: "We're gonna have to make this quick. I gotta leave in five to catch a plane. I got Celtic tickets on the floor."
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(Ed crumples up some paper and tosses it toward a little basketball net over the trash can. He makes the shot.)
Ed: "It's a great resume. I see you worked with the Donahues. You know, I snaked the Oslo candy account from 'em last year. (He tosses another crumpled paper and the basketball net and makes it.)So you've done a lot of copy work?" Lynette: "I have. But when I moved over to Cenn and Simmons(Lynette can see Stu holding Penny up in the air.) Lynette: "Um, I got to do a broader range of campaigns." (She sees Stu lay Penny down on the edge of the desk as he goes over to talk to a pretty young lady.) Lynette: "Um...T... uh, V...and...uh... radio...uh, billboards." (She sees Penny crying.) Lynette: "Could you excuse me for a minute?" (Lynette runs out to the outer office.) Ed: "What's going on?" Nina: "I have no idea." (Lynette picks up Penny.) Lynette: "Stu, you are an idiot. You're an idiot, an absolute idiot." (She rushes back into Nina's office, carrying Penny.) Lynette: "Hi. Guys, I'd like you to meet Penny. She gives me all my best ideas." Nina: "You brought your baby to the interview?" Lynette: "It won't be an ongoing thing." Nina: "You bet it won't." Ed: "Nina, it's fine. Any chance we can get that little lady to be quiet?" Lynette: "Not until I change her diaper. Could you just give me two minutes?" Ed: "Sorry. Plane." Lynette: "Well, then watch me multitask." (She throws the diaper bag at Nina and lays Penny on the sofa and continues talking while removing Penny's dirty diaper.) Lynette: "Here's how I see it. You guys run a really good shop, but if you want your agency to go to the next level, you have to focus on two things. First, you've gotta win some awards. Do some P.S.A.s, pro bono stuff, whatever it takes, because whether they admit it or not, clients care about what's in your trophy case. Two, your web site. It's the first thing a client's gonna look at, and it's hard to navigate. There's no site map. It just wasn't built for people who grew up without computers. There. And third, I don't have a third. Yeah, so that's it." Ed: "Okay, you're in." Lynette: "Seriously?" Ed: "Yeah. Take the office across the hall. I gotta run." (Ed leaves the office. Nina looks shocked.) Lynette: "Well, all right!" (Lynette tosses the dirty diaper toward the basketball net. The diaper hits the glass wall above it and falls on the rug.) Lynette: "Okay, obviously, I'm gonna clean that up." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail Visiting Room]
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(Gabrielle hands Carlos a piece of paper labeled "DNA Testing.") Gabrielle: "Here it is in black and white. It's your kid. What? Why aren't you smiling?" Carlos: "It's not enough." Gabrielle: "What, you want a father's day card?" Carlos: "You knew the one thing that I demanded was fidelity, and you still went out and screwed around behind my back." Gabrielle: "You knew the one thing I didn't want was a child, and you still tricked me into getting pregnant!" Carlos: "It's not the same thing." Gabrielle: "Damn straight. What you did was worse." Carlos: "We're not very nice people, are we?" Gabrielle: "No, we're not." Carlos: "Oh, when we got married, I thought we were gonna be so happy." Gabrielle: "Me too. Look on the bright side. At least we're still rich." Carlos: "Thank god for that." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Mike comes out his door for his newspaper. Susan is sitting there and startles him.) Susan: "So it occurred to me that I was really rude at the morgue. When you told me about Zach, I was so busy freaking out, I never actually congratulated you." Mike: "Congratulated me?" Susan: "I know how much you've always wanted a child, and now you have one." Mike: "Thanks." Susan: "Obviously, um, it was quite a shock, but it's good news any way you slice it." (Susan stands up and approaches Mike. He can see that she's crying.) Mike: "What's wrong?" Susan: "So naturally you'll be wanting to have a relationship with him, and that, that takes time, a lot of time." Mike: "Susan." Susan: "And out of all the mixed-up teenagers in the world, Zach is just the one kid that I can't be around. I can't have Julie around him. So, um, what I'm trying to say is..." Mike: "We can't move in together." Susan: "But I am so happy for you. Really, you have a child, and that is good for you." Mike: "Isn't there any way?" Susan: "No. No, I'm so sorry. I'll, I'll, um, I'll see you around." (Susan rushes away as Mike watches her leave.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church] (Betty plays the organ as the Reverend leads the Van De Kamps in. Phyllis looks down at Rex in the open coffin and smiles. Danielle approaches and sees the teddy bear in the coffin with Rex. Andrew looks into the coffin, then walks to his seat. Bree approaches. She looks and sees that Rex is wearing the orange tie. She looks at Phyllis. Bree walks over to the pew and sits down. Betty stops playing the organ.) Reverend: "Today we've come together to celebrate the life of Dr. Rex Van de Kamp." (Bree stares at Rex lying in the coffin.) Bree (to Phyllis): "What is he wearing?" Phyllis: "What?" Reverend: "A life filled with love and laughter and most importantly-" Bree: "I left him an hour ago, and he was wearing Ralph Lauren."
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Phyllis: "But it's what Rex would have wanted. He loved that prep school." Reverend: "But whichever coat he was wearing, Rex always brought an irresistible enthusiasm and a single-minded determination to..." (Later in the service, the Reverend is still talking.) Reverend: "So as we mourn the passing of Rex Van de Kamp, we give thanks to God, for we do not grieve as those who have no hope but as those who place their trust in God." (Bree stares at the coffin. Betty begins playing a hymn. Everyone stands. Two men begin covering Rex in the coffin and lowering the lid. Bree jumps up.) Bree: "Wait!" (The organ stops abruptly.) Bree: "Do not close that coffin." (Bree walks slowly down the aisle of the church, glancing down each pew. She stops at Lynette and Tom.) Bree: "Give me your tie." Tom: "What?" Bree: "Give me your tie!" Lynette: "Give it to her! Give it to her!" (Tom removes his tie quickly and hands it to Bree. Bree walks back to the coffin with it. Everyone stares. Bree uncovers Rex, removes the orange tie, lifts Rex up, and puts Tom's tie on Rex. She lays Rex back down, and ties the tie.) Bree: "You look magnificent." (The Reverend signals at Betty. Betty begins playing and Bree walks out of the church into the sunlight.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Susan, Lynette, Bree and Gabrielle are walking home together.) Susan: "So it looks like Mary Alice killed Zach's birth mother in order to keep her from taking Zach away." Lynette: "Oh, my god. I mean, I knew Mary Alice had killed herself over something big, but wow. Can you imagine living with that guilt?" Gabrielle: "Isn't it bizarre that Paul and Mary Alice had this secret all those years, and we didn't even know about it?" Susan: "No, not really. I mean, what do we actually know about our neighbors? I mean, we can tell if they keep their lawns nice or they take their trash cans in, but when they do those things, we stop asking questions 'cause if people are good neighbors..." Bree: "...we don't really care what happens behind closed doors." (As they walk by the Applewhite house, piano music is heard.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It had been one year since my suicideLynette: "Makes you wonder, doesn't it?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"And a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. There were new flowers, new houses and new neighbors, the kind anyone would want living right next door." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty is playing the piano. Matthew enters the room, holding a tray with food on it.) Matthew: "Is that another hymn?" Betty: "I know. It's silly, but playing those songs today at the funeral just got me in the mood. This is your grandmother's favorite. Did you remember butter?" Matthew: "I make up this tray every night." Betty: "Of course you do. I'm sorry. Oh, look you added a flower."
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Matthew: "Thought it'd be nice." Betty: "How'd I get so lucky to have a child like you? You really do try to think about others. That flower is a small act of kindness you thought no one would notice, and yet you did it anyway. Says a lot about how you were raised." Matthew: "Well, I guess you did your job." Betty: "I guess so. I'll get the tray. You take the gun." (She hands a revolver to Matthew and picks up the tray. They walk to the basement. Matthew tucks the gun in his back waistband. They go downstairs. Betty steps aside as Matthew unlocks a padlocked door. Betty enters a room and places the tray on a table. She turns the tray around as though facing it toward someone. She walks to the door and looks back at the rose on the tray.) Betty: "It really is a lovely gesture." (She walks out of the room and Matthew relocks the door. A hand reaches for the glass on the tray. A thick leather strap is wrapped around the wrist.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X02 - You Could Drive a Person Crazy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate HousewivesLynette:Why on earth would you let them finger paint before breakfast? Tom:It's my job to clean that up,so it's my call. Mary Alice Voiceover: Some households reversed roles. Karl: Let's give this another shot. Mary Alice Voiceover:Some old flames... Susan:You want me back? Karl:Yeah. Mary Alice Voiceover:...were put out... Dr. Craig:It has to be something you're ingesting.Who prepares your meals?I understand you've been having some marital problems Mary Alice Voiceover:...and while some learn to forgive... Mike: Deirdre got pregnant before i went to jail. Susan:Zach is your son,isn't he? Mike:Yep. Susan:Wow. Mary Alice Voiceover:Others could not bring themselves to forget their past. End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -Daytime] (A young boy on a bicycle in the middle of the street delivers newspapers.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The remarkable thing about Danny Farrell was that he had only been a paperboy for six months. And in that time, he had become the enemy of every woman on Wisteria Lane. If there was a puddle on someone's property, he found it." (Flashback to Danny tossing a newspaper into a small puddle. Gabrielle looks down at the paper in the water
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and looks toward Danny in anger.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"If a new rosebush had just been planted, he destroyed it." (Flashback to Danny tossing a newspaper directly into a rose bush with yellow flowers bending the blooms. Bree sees the destroyed flowers and looks toward the retreating Danny with disgust and anger.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"If a cat was enjoying a moment in the sun, he ended it." (Flashback to Danny tossing a newspaper right next to a cat on the lawn. The cat is startled and takes off. Ida Greenberg sees the newspaper on the lawn that frightened her cat and looks toward the paperboy in anger.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"People wondered if Danny would ever change." (Danny pulls a paper out of his vest, and it falls into the street. He looks at it, shrugs, and continues biking down the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They should have talked to Susan Mayer." (Susan comes out her door in her robe holding a cup of coffee. She sees her newspaper lying in the middle of the street where Danny had dropped it. She sets her coffee down and starts toward the middle of the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"She could have told them: obnoxious boys tend to become obnoxious men." (Susan bends to pick up her paper and hears a door open. She looks up at Edie's newly built house and sees her ex-husband Karl come out in his boxer shorts and a robe, searching for the paper.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Just like the one she had been married to." (Susan rushes over to Edie's house.) Susan: "Hey! Karl, I see you. Just stop right there!" (Karl picks up the newspaper and begins walking back to the house. He stops when he hears Susan yelling.) Karl: "Hey, Susie Q." Susan: "What are you doing?" Karl: "Just gettin' the paper" Susan: "That's Edie's paper, and this is Edie's house!" Karl: "Do we have to do this now? I haven't had my coffee yet." Susan: "Did you spend the night with Edie? Oh, my god!" Karl: "Susie, just calm down." Susan: "You are forbidden from ever seeing her again. Do you hear me? Forbidden!" Karl: "We're divorced. You can't tell me who I can date." Susan: "I live on this street. Your daughter lives on this street. I will not have you flaunting your sexcapades in front of us." Karl: "Sexcapades?" Susan: "Forbidden!" Karl: "I, I, I would love to continue this, but it's time for breakfast, and Edie is making me a Frittata." Susan: "Well, I just bet she is!" (Susan storms back toward her house as Karl goes back into Edie's house. Danny pulls up behind her on his bicycle. ) Danny: "Mrs. Mayer, I gotta talk to you!" Susan: "Oh, now is not a good time, Danny." Danny: "You're a month behind in your payments." Susan: "I'll take care of it, I promise." Danny: "My dad says, if you read something and don't pay for it, that's the same as stealing." (Susan continues storming back to her house as Danny pedals beside her yelling. Ida Greenberg, across the street pushing her grocery cart, stops to watch the scene.) Susan: "Hi, Ida." (to Danny)"Can we talk about this later? I just found out my ex is dating my neighbor, and I'm
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really ticked off." Danny: "Save it! I provide you a service, and I deserve to be paid for that service." (Susan watches Danny bike away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, the women of Wisteria Lane believe Danny Farrell to be the enemy." (Danny turns back toward Susan as he bikes away and yells. ) Danny: "Deadbeat!" (Susan throws the newspaper she is holding toward the retreating Danny. The newspaper flies through the air and ends up in the front spokes of the bike. The bike stops abruptly and Danny pitches forward, flying over the handlebars.) (Susan gasps. She looks guiltily toward Ida.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They also believed the enemy of my enemy is my friend." (Ida gives Susan a thumbs up. Susan smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -- Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Beautiful lawns, spacious homes, happy families. These are the hallmarks of suburbia. But if you look beneath the veneer of gracious living..." (A young woman opens her garage with a remote. The door sticks halfway, then goes back down.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...you will see a battle raging, a battle for control." (The young lady hits the remote hard several times, but the door continues to go up and down only halfway.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"You see the combatants everywhere, engaged in their routine skirmishes..." (Boys play ball on a nicely-kept front yard. A man comes out yelling at them.) Man: "Hey, keep off the grass! Go on, get outta here!" (Children are waiting on the sidewalk on the way to school. A crossing guard enters the street with a "Stop" sign. A car goes whizzing by. Another car honks.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...fighting fiercely to have dominion over the world around them." Crossing Guard: "You! Oaf!" (The guard throws the "Stop" sign at the passing car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"All the while knowing...it's a battle they will lose." (Lynette comes down stairs with her coffee cup. She walks to the kitchen sink and sees it is full of dirty dishes. Tom is sitting at a dirty kitchen table doing a crossword puzzle. Parker is also sitting at the table. Penny is in her high chair next to Tom.) Tom: "Oh, hey, honey, um, just stick that anywhere. I'll take care of it." Lynette: "Wow. It's really pilin' up." Tom: "Oh, uh, don't worry. I have a system." Lynette: "Really?" Tom: "Yeah, every two days, I clean." Lynette: "Two days." Tom: "Yeah, I let the mess accumulate for two days, and then I clean until it's sparkling, and then, uh, the cycle starts all over again." Lynette: "And why have I never seen the sparkling part?" Tom: "Well, because by the time you get home from work, the boys have messed everything up again." Lynette: "See, that's what I would call a flaw in the system."
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Tom: "What are you doing?" Lynette: "I think I'm asking you to clean the house." Tom: "Really? 'Cause it sounds to me like you're criticizing me." Lynette: "No. No, no, no, no. No. I'm not saying it has to be sparkling." Tom: "How many times did I come home to a mess and I never said a word?" Lynette: "Please, don't take this the wrong way. I think you are doing a terrific job, but let's be clear. When you came home, it was to clutter. I mean, come on, this is more than that." (Lynette picks up a dish with a fork stuck to it. A bug goes scurrying across the table. Lynette hits it with the "Wall Street Journal" she is holding.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pashmutti's Dry Cleaners] (Bree and Phyllis are standing at the counter waiting as Mr. Pashmutti is handing dry cleaning to two ladies. He chats with them.) Phyllis: "Look at him, just chatting away. So inconsiderate." Bree: " hyllis, we've only been waiting here for two minutes." \ Phyllis: "I told you when we left the house that I needed to eat. I have low blood sugar. Do you wanna see me keel over?" Bree: "No. In theory." (Mr. Pashmutti hands Bree her dry cleaning.) Mr. Pashmutti: "Here you are." Bree: "Thank you." Mr. Pashmutti: "By the way, Mrs. Van de Kamp, I heard about your husband's passing. I'm so sorry. Dr. Van de Kamp was one of my favorite customers, truly." Bree: "That's very sweet of you. Thank you." Mr. Pashmutti: "I'm not just being polite, Mrs. Van de Kamp. How are you feeling?" Bree: "Well, Mr. Pashmutti -" Phyllis: "We're holding up as best we can under the circumstances." Bree: "I'm sorry. This is, uh, Rex's mother, Phyllis." Mr. Pashmutti: "I'm so sorry about your son." Phyllis: "Thank you. You know, the hardest thing is to lose a child." Mr. Pashmutti: "I can't even imagine." Bree: "Come on, Phyllis. Let's get you something to eat." Phyllis: "We had no warning. I was doing dishes when I got the call." Mr. Pashmutti: "Really?" Bree: "Phyllis, there are people waiting, so..." (Bree walks away. Phyllis stays put and begins talking to the people in line.) Phyllis: "Excuse me. I, I'm so sorry, but my son just passed away." Stranger: "Oh, I'm so sorry." Phyllis: "Thank you. I mean, I was telling Mr. Pashmutti here, my life is, is over. My life is over!" (Mr. Pashmutti and the others look on sympathetically as Phyllis sobs. Bree shakes her head.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail Visiting Room] (Gabrielle sits across from Carlos at a long visitor's table. Also at the table are other prisoners with their visitors. Carlos has a checkbook in front of him on the table.) Gabrielle: "This is ridiculous, you know that?" Carlos: "Pen."
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(She hands him a pen.) Gabrielle: "Don't you think I have better things to do than to bring you checks every day? Checks that I could be signing at home?" (He hands the pen back.) Carlos: "This one's dry." (She pulls another one from her purse and hands it to him.) Gabrielle: "You know, taking away my access to our account, that's just vindictive." Carlos: "Thank you." Gabrielle: "Do you know how long it takes me to schlep out here to this hellhole?" Carlos: "Exactly. It's the only way I can guarantee you'll come and visit me." Gabrielle: "That's ridiculous. You're my husband. I love you. Obviously, I would come visit." Carlos: "I thought it was obvious that when you love someone, you wouldn't have an affair. I was wrong, wasn't I?" Gabrielle: "I'm getting really tired of this song, Carlos. Isn't it about time you forgave me?" Carlos: "You want my forgiveness, you got it. My trust, that you're gonna have to earn." Gabrielle: "Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that big bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely." Carlos: "Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money." Gabrielle: "Why are all rich men jerks?" Carlos: "Same reason all beautiful women are bitches. So, same time tomorrow?" Gabrielle: "Sure, baby." (They kiss. Gabrielle takes the checkbook and walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan is doing the laundry. Julie is sitting in the room with her.) Susan: "What do you mean, you know?" Julie: "I mean, I know." Susan: "What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?" Julie: "Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Ms. Britt for a few months now." Susan: "What? How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing." Julie: "Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?" Susan: "Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life and you know it." Julie: "Are you done?" Susan: "No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture! I just know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off." Julie: "Wrong again." Susan: "What?" Julie: "He asked her out." Susan: "You lie." Julie: "It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party." Susan: "The one at the piano bar?" Julie: "Yeah. What is it?" Susan: "Oh, um, your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't and can't tell you."
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Julie: "Wait. Whatever happened to we share everything? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?" Susan: "Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah. I think that's our thing." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's Basement] (Darkened basement steps lead to a door. Inside the room, chained hands pull on the chains which are attached to bars, causing them to clang loudly.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's Dining Room -- Nighttime] (Matthew and Betty are sitting at the dining room table, eating. Matthew stops and listens to the clanging.) Matthew: "Why does he keep doing that?" Betty: "He knows it's annoying. He's just trying to get to us." Matthew: "Yeah, well, it's working." (Matthew goes to the basement door, opens it, and yells down the dark steps.) Matthew: "Knock it off, down there, do you hear what I'm saying?" Betty: "Matthew. Matthew! Sit down." (Matthew comes back to the table and sits down.) Betty: "You know we don't talk to him. That's part of his punishment." Matthew: "How can you just sit here hour after hour and listen to that?" Betty: "Well, that's part of mine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Jail Visiting Room) (Gabrielle sits at the long visitor's table. A buzzer sounds and Carlos enters the room accompanied by a guard.) Gabrielle: "Carlos, what is this big emergency? I had to cancel my hair appointment with Eduardo today. Baby, what is it?" Carlos: "I'm completely freaked out." Gabrielle: "Why?" Carlos: "There's this guy, his name's Richie, and he's been saying some stuff to me, and I'm getting worried." Gabrielle: "Honey, you and your macho pride. Just tell him you're flattered, but you don't swing that way." Carlos: "He's not hitting on me, you idiot, he's threatening me." Gabrielle: "Really? How?" Carlos: "He said he's gonna beat me up unless I come up with some money." Gabrielle: "Well, how much money?" Carlos: "Seven thousand dollars." Gabrielle: "Seven thousand dollars?!" Carlos: "Keep your voice down." Gabrielle: "Why would he think you have that kind of money?" Carlos: "Because yesterday, in a visiting room filled with criminals, my wife referred to me as a rich man." Gabrielle: "Oh, right. Sorry." Carlos: "That's why I needed you to bring the checkbook." Gabrielle: "He's actually willing to take a check?" Carlos: "No. You're gonna take the money to his girlfriend, and if she doesn't get it by tomorrow, I'm screwed." Gabrielle: "Honey, I think this is a mistake. If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money." Carlos: "What choice do I have?" Gabrielle: "You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God sakes!"
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Carlos: "Yeah, it was for golf!" Gabrielle: "Oh." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Someone knocks on the front door. Susan opens it to find Mike.) Mike: "You have all my pants." Susan: "Yeah, I know. Come on in." Mike: "I, uh, thought when I took my stuff back to my house, I got everything." Susan: "Oh, it's fine. They're in the garage." (Mike goes out the side door to the garage and comes back in carrying a box.) Susan: "So how have you been doing?" Mike: "Good. Um, I'm, uh, good." (He tosses the box onto the couch.) Mike: "I've got a question for you." Susan: "Sure, what is it?" Mike: "Where are we now?" Susan: "Where are we?" Mike: "Yeah. We're not moving in together and we're not broken up, so where are we?" Susan: "I don't know. Since the guy who held me hostage turned out to be your son, I think logic dictates that I should move on. The problem is, I'm crazy about you." Mike: "So..." Susan: "So, I'm thinking we should keep it casual." Mike: "Casual. What the hell does that mean, exactly, um, casual?" Susan: "Uh, well, I, I don't, I don't think there's anything wrong with us seeing a movie once in awhile." Mike: "Movie. Okay. Is that it?" Susan: "Jogging? There's no law against jogging." Mike: "Anything else?" Susan: "Shopping. That's casual. That's fun." Mike: "Anything else we can do? Anything at all?" (Mike leans over and kisses Susan. Susan kisses him, then pulls away.) Susan: "Mmm, brunch. Brunch would be nice." (Mike nods and picks up the box with his clothing in it.) Mike: "Sounds good to me." (Mike walks out the door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Phyllis (on the phone): "All I can do is take it one day at a time. Yes. Oh, oh, okay. Well, thanks so much for calling." (Bree comes downstairs and sees Phyllis crying into the phone.) Bree: "Who was that?" Phyllis: "Oh, someone named Alan Hanley." Bree: "My electrician? Why were you on the phone sobbing to my electrician?" Phyllis: "Oh, he called to offer you his condolences." Bree: "Then why didn't you put me on?" Phyllis: "Oh, well, we got to talking, and then he had to go. He, he had some very beautiful things to say about Rex."
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(She begins to cry again.) Bree: "For God sakes, Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?" Phyllis: "Are you saying that I am too emotional?" Bree: "I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again." Phyllis: "My son is dead. I'm grieving." Bree: "So am I, but no one would ever know it with your incessant caterwauling." Phyllis: "Bree!" Bree: "People want to know how I'm doing, but the minute they ask, you, you jump into the spotlight, and they forget all about me. I need consoling, too, Phyllis. Have you ever thought of that?" Phyllis: "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." Bree: "Thank you." Phyllis: "Of course, if you didn't constantly suppress your emotions, people wouldn't forget to console you." Bree: "Excuse me?" Phyllis: "Well, it's true. You're stoic to the point of being cold." Bree: "I am not cold. I just, well, I don't like public displays of emotion." Phyllis: "Well, that's fine, but people wonder why they haven't seen you cry. I mean, some people actually wonder if you truly mourn Rex." Bree: "People have said that?" Phyllis: "A few, yes." (Phyllis leaves the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rundown Neighborhood -- Daytime] (Gabrielle's car is parked in front of a rundown home. Gabrielle walks toward the house clutching her purse and an envelope to her chest. An older woman is sitting on the porch shucking corn.) Gabrielle: "Excuse me. I'm looking for Rita Rivara." (The woman takes her cane and taps on the front door. A pretty young lady comes out.) Gabrielle: "Hi, are you Rita?" Rita: "Yeah, who are you?" Gabrielle: "I'm, uh, I'm Gabrielle Solis. Our, our husbands are roommates at the prison." Rita: "Richie and I aren't married." Gabrielle: "Oh, I see. Well, uh, your boyfriend asked my husband to give this to you. It's a sort of favor. It's all there. Seven thousand dollars." (Rita takes the envelope, looks inside, and throws it on the ground.) Rita: "Son of a bitch!" (She goes back into the house, slamming the door. Gabrielle sees the older woman eying the money.) Gabrielle: "Oh, don't even think about it." (Gabrielle picks up the money.) Gabrielle: "Um, hello! Is there a problem?" (Rita comes back out and grabs the money.) Rita: "Let me ask you a question." Gabrielle: "Okay." Rita: "This might seem kind of weird, but what do you think of my breasts?" Gabrielle: "Excuse me?" Rita: "I mean, how do they look to you?" Gabrielle: "Uh, they're, they're nice." Rita: "Thank you. I like 'em, too."
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Gabrielle: "You're right. That was weird." (Gabrielle turns and begins walking away.) Rita: "You have no idea what this money is for, do you?" Gabrielle: "Uh, no. No. You, you seem to have everything you need." Rita: "Richie wants me to get a boob job. He wants 'em bigger. He's obsessed with huge breasts." Gabrielle: "So are you gonna do it?" Rita: "I told him if he came up with the cash, I would. I just never thought the moron would actually come up with it." Gabrielle: "Not that it's any of my business, but it's your body. I wouldn't change anything unless I really wanted to." Rita: "But if I don't do it, he'll leave me." Gabrielle: "Honey, he's in jail. How far is he gonna go? Maybe it's time you stood up for yourself. Tell him you don't need the surgery." Rita: "It's worth a shot." Gabrielle: "There you go. I am so proud of you." (Gabrielle grabs the money back and walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House -- Nighttime] (A tired-looking Lynette climbs out of her car and walks to the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"When Lynette went back to work, she was aware her new job would be demanding. What she hadn't anticipated was the night shift." (Lynette looks around the kitchen. It is a total mess.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Lynette's Bedroom) (Lynette comes out of the bathroom, in pajamas, drying her hands on a towel. She throws the towel across the room and climbs into bed where Tom is asleep.) Tom: "Hey, honey, I thought I heard you come in about an hour ago" Lynette: "I did. I had to load the dishwasher." Tom: "You didn't have to do that." Lynette: "Yeah, I sorta did." Tom: "I'm sorry. I've just fallen behind on my housework. I just had so many errands to run today. But I'll make up for it tomorrow, okay? I promise. That's the beauty of my system: it's flexible." Lynette: "You know, for the sake of our marriage, please don't mention the system again." Tom: "I said I was sorry." Lynette: "What in the world?" (Lynette sits up quickly and pushes the blankets back.) Tom: "No, no, don't touch that. Don't touch that. Um, Penny had a little, um, spitty-uppy on the sheets" Lynette: "And you didn't change them?" Tom: "The towel is very clean." Lynette: "Oh, that's disgusting." (Lynette picks up the towel covering the spit-up.) Tom: "No, it's just a little spitty, a little milky spit-up on the sheets. Please, I made a judgment call. Please respect that." Lynette: "No, I can't respect that, and do you know why? It's stupid. I'm gonna get new sheets." (Lynette gets out of bed with the dirty towel.) Tom: "We are not changing the sheets!"
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Lynette: "Why are you yelling at me?" Tom: "I am not yelling at you and this is not about spit up." Lynette: "Of course it is." Tom: "No, it isn't. It's about control. And as you and I both know, you have some issues in this area." Lynette: "Why are you fighting so hard to sleep on baby vomit?" Tom: "I am fighting for a principle." Lynette: "Being too lazy to change the sheets is not a principle." Tom: "You know what? You're not gonna win this one. So you'd better just crawl back into bed, and let's go to sleep." (Tom lies back down and pulls the covers up over himself. Lynette pulls the covers off and starts taking the sheets off. Tom grabs them. They fight over the sheet.) Lynette: "No, Tom! Tom, no! I'm gonna change the sheets!" Tom: "Oh, come on!" Lynette: "No, you come on! Just get up! Get up!" Tom: "That's it!" Lynette: "All right, fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Ah!" (Lynette grabs a pillow, climbs on the bed and begins hitting Tom with it. She gets off, taking the pillow with her. Tom is spread-eagled on the bed. Lynette takes the pillow downstairs and lies down on the couch, after pulling out a truck hidden in the cushions and throwing it across the room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Normally Lynette would have spent a sleepless night telling herself she didn't have control issues." (Lynette turns on the TV with the remote.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But she couldn't. She was too busy figuring out how to bend Tom to her will." (On the screen, the movie "Willard" is playing. Lynette stares at the rats crawling all over the man on the screen.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House -- Daytime] (Lynette enters, holding a small box.) Lynette: "Hello? Hi!" (When no one answers, she stoops down with the box and opens it. A rat emerges.) Lynette: "Okay. Welcome to the Promised Land. Go on! There! Good job!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -- Daytime] (Betty gets out of her car parked in front of her house. Next door, Susan waters her lawn. She sees Betty move quickly towards the front door. Susan comes running up.) Susan: "Uh, Betty? Betty? Oh, Betty, can I ask you a question?" Betty: "Of course. It's Susan, right?" Susan: "Yes, hi. I was just wondering, are you having some remodeling done on your house or something?" Betty: "No. Why?" Susan: "Well, uh, I work at home, so I'm home a lot working. And I just keep hearing these noises lately. Uh, it's hard to concentrate." Betty: "Well, I haven't noticed anything." Susan: "Really? Well, it sounds like it's coming from your house. You know, it's like a clanging, clanging." (From inside Betty's house, clanging starts up.) Susan: "There! There, that was it. Did you hear it?" Betty: "Oh, yes. Matthew's very handy. He's always doing projects around the house. I guess I just don't
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notice the noise anymore." Susan: "Even at two o'clock in the morning? 'Cause that's kind of hard to miss." Betty: "I'm so sorry. Matthew is something of an insomniac, Susan. But I will talk to him, and we'll put a stop to it." (Matthew walks up to them from the sidewalk, holding a bag. As he passes the ladies, he greets Susan.) Matthew: "Afternoon, Mrs. Mayer." Susan: "Hi, Matthew." Betty: "Well, it was nice chatting with you, Susan." (Betty goes into the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Bree is on her cell phone.) Bree: "This is my third phone call, Mr. Flannery. And if someone doesn't call me back soon, I'm going to be irritated." (She hangs up.) Phyllis: "Is everything all right?" Bree: "That darn insurance company is dragging its heels on paying Rex's policy, and I don't understand why." Phyllis: "Well, he died unexpectedly. And that brings up a lot of questions. It's probably easier when people are just diseased." Bree: "Probably." (Lynette approaches the table. She kisses Bree on the cheek.) Lynette: "Hi. Hi." Bree: "Hi. Oh, hi, Lynette." Lynette: "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?" Bree: "No, no, not at all." Lynette: "I saw you walk in, and I've been meaning to call since the service, but work's been so crazy so...how are you doing?" Bree: "Um, I'm all right." (Phyllis sniffs loudly. They both stare at her, but ignore her.) Lynette: "Well, you look amazing." Bree: "Do I?" Lynette: "Absolutely. Well, I can't imagine what you're going through." (Phyllis begins to sobs loudly. Lynette and Bree both stare at Phyllis.) Bree: "Phyllis? You're going to have to stop that." Phyllis: "I can't help it. When people talk about Rex, I, I, I just get emotional." Lynette: "Well, I'm very sorry for your loss, too, Phyllis." Phyllis: "He was my firstborn. I don't know what I will do without him." Lynette: "Oh, I'm so sorry. (to Bree) Is she gonna be okay?" Bree: "Um, yeah. Sure. Hold on a second." (Phyllis continues to sob loudly. Bree gets up, walks over to Phyllis, lifts Phyllis' chin toward her, then slaps Phyllis' cheek. She walks back to her chair and calmly sits down. Phyllis stops crying and stares at Bree in shock.) Bree: "There we go. Feel better? Lynette, you were saying?" Lynette: "I forgot." Bree: "That's all right. It was really sweet of you to stop by."
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Lynette: "Okay." (Lynette walks away.) Bree: "So, uh, are we ready to order, or do you need a little more time?" (Phyllis is speechless.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Mr. Flannery: "I've been in the insurance industry for fifteen years. I've never received a phone call like this." Dr. Craig: "I'm having second thoughts about Rex's death. I've known Rex and Bree for nearly twenty years. And I've never had any reason to suspect they were anything but a happy, loving couple, which is why this seems so strange." (He hands a note to Mr. Flannery, who opens it, revealing the note that Rex wrote before his death, reading "Bree, I understand and I forgive you.") Dr. Craig: "I found it in Rex's room after he coded." Mr. Flannery: "I forgive you?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Front Yard] (Bree is planting flowers. George drives up and walks up to Bree.) Bree: "George. What are you doing here?" George: "I'm here to kidnap you." Bree: "What?" George: "Get your purse. I'm gonna take you bowling." Bree: "I, I, I don't know how to bowl." George: "Or to the movies or for a frozen yogurt. Whatever you want." Bree: "Um, thank you, but I just couldn't." George: "Ah, Bree, I'm sure you haven't gone anywhere in weeks. You gotta get out and do things. It'll help. Trust me." Bree: "I do. I'm just, I'm just not ready yet. But it was very sweet of you to think of me." George: "Well, you know, I tried." Bree: "And I appreciate that." (George hugs Bree.) George: "It's all right. Let it out." (Bree begins to cry. George smiles.) (From the house, the upstairs curtain moves slightly. Phyllis watches as Bree cries on George's shoulder.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail Visiting Room] (Gabrielle sits across from Carlos. Carlos' face is bruised.) Carlos: "You want me to die in here, don't you?" Gabrielle: "Carlos, what happened?" Carlos: "What do you mean, what happened? You talked Rita out of taking the money." Gabrielle: "Is that what Richie said?" Carlos: "Yeah, the subject came up in between kidney punches." Gabrielle: "Well, it's not my fault. She didn't want the money." Carlos: "Why wouldn't she want seven thousand dollars?" Gabrielle: "Because it's for a boob job." Carlos: "So?" Gabrielle: "So, her boobs are fine. And, honestly, what he's doing to her self-esteem is just cruel. I feel sorry
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for her." Carlos: "Please. You don't care about her self-esteem any more than I do. You just didn't want to give up all that money." Gabrielle: "Well, I do think it's silly to give someone seven thousand dollars if they don't want it." Carlos: "Listen to me, you're gonna go back there, you're gonna put that money in Rita's hands, and you're gonna convince her that life is not worth living unless she has jugs the size of Texas. Do I make myself clear?" Gabrielle: "I just realized Rita and I have a lot in common." Carlos: "Please don't tell me you have low self-esteem, 'cause if I laugh now, I'm gonna crack the one good rib that I have left." Gabrielle: "We are both controlled by our husbands, which is idiotic because they're both behind bars. We should have all the power." Carlos: "I am not trying to control you. I just don't wanna end up in the morgue!" Gabrielle: "This isn't about that." Carlos: "Gabrielle, the morphine's wearing off. I really don't have time for these games." Gabrielle: "Me either, Carlos. And if you expect me to go back and sweet talk her into getting the operation, I can't show up empty-handed." Carlos: "Fine, bring me the checkbook. I'll make out a check for some cash." Gabrielle: "See, I was thinking I'd be writing the checks." Carlos: "Gabrielle-" Gabrielle: "Careful, Carlos, you're not in a position to argue." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -- Daytime] (Susan comes out of her house with her purse. She walks to her car and sees Edie on roller skates approaching.) Edie: "Whoo-hoo! Susan!" Susan: "Hey, Edie." Edie: "So, uh, whee! How much do you hate me?" Susan: "What?" Edie: "Oh, Karl said that you know all about our dirty little secret." Susan: "Yes, yes, I do." Edie: "Well, I feel awful. I should have told you that I was doing your ex. Well, it would've been the classy thing to do." Susan: "Well, etiquette is a lost art for a lot of people." Edie: "Oh, you've gotta believe me, I never, ever thought anything would happen with us. But on our first date, Karl took me to a Mexican restaurant. You know what I get like when I drink tequila. A couple of shooters and my bra unhooks itself." Susan: "Circumstances beyond your control. I get it. So if you'll excuse me." Edie: "Hey. Hey, hey. I am offering you an opportunity here. I mean, go ahead, vent. Let me have it. Come on, tell me what a bitch I am. Yeah, for snacking on your leftovers. I deserve it. Come on, bring it on." Susan: "Honestly, Edie, I don't mind. You can skate off into the sunset with Karl. Be my guest." Edie: "Well, that's good to know. You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but, while we were in my Jacuzzi last night, Karl said it was the best sex he's ever had, bar none." Susan: "Actually, I'm glad that you shared that, because here's a tidbit for you. Karl said he's still in love with me." (Susan drives away. Edie laughs lightly. In her car, Susan sighs and smiles. She drives up the street to the
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crossing guard holding the "Stop" sign. As the children cross in front of her, she smiles. She looks in her side view mirror and sees Edie skating up to her car. Edie skates up to the driver's window.) Susan: "Edie, what are you doing?" Edie: "You are a lying liar." Susan: "We're in the middle of the street. Would you get out of here?" Edie: "Karl never said that!" Susan: "Okay, Karl asked me to get back together the day after Julie's birthday. I said no, which I'm guessing is the reason for the now legendary tequila bra-popping incident. Please let go." Edie: "Oh, no. We're not finished here." Susan: "Well, yes, we are. I'm gonna go." (Susan begins driving forward slowly. Edie hangs on the side of her car.) Edie: "You don't have the guts." Susan: "In five seconds, I'm gonna punch it." Edie (holds up a set of keys): "Yeah? I'll key your car!" Susan: "Not if you're sucking my exhaust, you won't." Edie: "Take back what you said!" Susan: "No, I won't!" Edie: "Admit it, you'd do anything to destroy my happiness!" Susan: "Edie, for god's sake. Why would I care if you end up with a man I despise?" Edie: "'Cause you and Mike are finished. Yeah, word's out. And now that you can't be happy, you don't want anyone else to be, period." (Edie begins to skate away.) Susan: "Edie, come back here! We're not finished yet!" (Susan backs her car up quickly, trying to catch Edie, when she hears a "thud" and Edie falls.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan opens her door. Karl is there.) Susan: "It was an accident, Karl. Edie knows it was an accident, right?" Karl: "She knows you could've killed her. As it is, she's got a shattered tibia." Susan: "Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. I sent roses. Did she get the roses?" Karl: "Yep. She cut herself on the thorns." Susan: "Oh, my god." Karl: "Why'd you tell Edie about our little conversation?" Susan: "Well, she was gloating about sleeping with you, and I just wanted to shut her up." Karl: "Oh. So you were jealous?" Susan: "No! No! It's just, we were married. And, and she's trying to make this tawdry little affair you guys have going on par with that and it's just, I got mad." Karl: "Susan, you remember the, the morning you saw me with Edie's paper? Well, the night before, I had asked her if she'd like to live together. And she said yes. Susan?" Susan: "Just give me a moment. I'm asking God to kill me." Karl: "Oh, look, she, she, she's fun. She goes with the flow. You know, at this time in my life, I need that." Susan: "Are you in love with her?" Karl: "Would you care if I were?" Susan: "I want you to be happy. I even sort of want Edie to be happy." Karl: "But what?" Susan: "I wanna be happy first! Mike and I were supposed to move in together, you know? This was
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supposed to be my time." Karl: "I heard you and the plumber were having problems. Is it over?" Susan: "I don't know. It's really complicated. So you never answered my question. Are you in love with her?" Karl: "I don't know. But I can promise you this much: I have never loved another woman the way I loved you." Susan: "You walked out on me." Karl: "Yeah, but look how far I got. I'm just up the street." (Karl laughs and kisses Susan on the forehead.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House -- Nighttime] (Parker runs out of the house towards Lynette's car as she pulls into the driveway.) Parker: "Mommy, Mommy, thank god, you're home!" Lynette: "Hey, sweet pea. Why? What's wrong?" Parker: "Daddy found a rat." Lynette: "Oh, did he now?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Lynette: "Honey?" (Lynette enters the house to see it is spotless. Tom comes downstairs carrying a bucket and wearing rubber cleaning gloves.) Lynette: "I'm home." Tom: "Hey, babe." Lynette: "Hey." Tom: "Hi, how was your day?" Lynette: "It was good, but, more importantly, how was yours?" Tom: "Parker told you about the rat, huh?" Lynette: "Yep." Tom: "Oh, my god, it was so disgusting. I came down the steps, and there it was, sitting on the counter eating a leftover grilled cheese sandwich." Lynette: "The sandwiches from yesterday?" Tom: "Okay, yes, the house has been too messy. Obviously, my system has some kinks in it. But check it out. I got my act together." Lynette: "Wow. So, um, I, I take it you took the rat outside?" Tom: "Oh, no, I smashed it with a shovel." Lynette: "You killed it?" Tom: "Not with the first blow. Whew. Disgusting." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House -- Nighttime] (Lynette comes outside with a bag of trash. She lifts the trash can lid and talks into the can.) Lynette: "Hey. Little guy. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about what happened with the shovel. Neither one of us saw that coming. I know it's not much consolation, but you really helped my marriage. That's a lot for a little rat to accomplish in one lifetime. Well, it's getting late, so, hats off to ya!" (Lynette puts the trash bag in the can and puts the lid on.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Doctor's Office] (Betty Applewhite is sitting across from the doctor.) Psychiatrist: "So you'd say the abuse started a few years into your marriage?"
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Betty: "It, it started so slowly, I didn't realize what was happening. I mean, he'd slap me over some little problem. But he'd always apologize. Then it got worse. And one day, eight years ago, my son spilled soda on our new carpet. Before I could move to protect him, Virgil had knocked him on the ground and began kicking him. I wanted to protect my baby, but I didn't get there in time." Psychiatrist: "What happened to your son?" Betty: "He died. I came across one of his baby pictures last weekend. That's when the nightmares started again. The last doctor I saw said that I needed to let go of my guilt, and then I would start sleeping again. Of course, that's easier said than done. And I am getting so tired." Psychiatrist: "I'm gonna start you on Nitrazepam. That should do the trick." Betty: "Thank you." Psychiatrist: "I certainly hope your husband was punished for what he did." Betty: "Oh, there was retribution. I made sure of that." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Phyllis is cleaning. Bree comes in. She picks up files from the desk.) Phyllis: "Where you off to?" Bree: "I'm, uh, I'm going to see Rex's lawyer. We're going to go over some details involving Rex's will. Phyllis, obviously, I'm just mortified over slapping you. I, I've just been in a weird place since Rex's death, but, that's no excuse. I'm very, very sorry." Phyllis: "No need to apologize. You're family. All's forgiven." Bree: "Really?" Phyllis: "It's been a difficult time for all of us. I totally understand. Now, go. You don't want to be late for your meeting about Rex's will." (Bree leaves. Phyllis looks at Bree's list of people she needs to call. Her finger stops at the insurance company. She picks up the phone and dials Mr. Flannery's number.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Insurance Office] (Mr. Flannery picks up the phone when it rings.) Mr. Flannery: "Claims. This is Joe Flannery." Phyllis: "Hello, um, could I speak to someone about the death benefits for Rex Van de Kamp, please? This is his mother." Mr. Flannery: "Yes, uh, we've already spoken to his wife several times. We are moving as quickly as we can." Phyllis: "Are you aware that my daughter-in-law has a boyfriend?" Mr. Flannery: "I'm listening." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Control." (In the kitchen, pills are lying on a cutting board. Betty cuts up a pill into powder and puts it into a bowl of soup.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's extraordinary the tactics people employ to obtain it." (Betty mixes the soup and picks up the tray. Matthew, holding a gun, opens the basement door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some rely on deception." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette watches as Tom wipes up the kitchen table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"While others engage in outright trickery."
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is writing out checks, smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Then there are those who resort to extortion." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House -- Nighttime] (George and Bree talking in the front yard. Bree is laughing ) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Why do we fight so hard for control?" (Sitting in a parked car down the street is Mr. Flannery watching Bree and George. Mr. Flannery takes some pictures of Bree putting her hand on George's arm.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Because we know to lose it is to put our fate in the hands of others. And what could be more dangerous?" ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2x03 - You'll Never Get Away From Me -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"Mary Alice Voiceover: As one affair ends... John:We don't have to sneak around anymore.We can have a real relationship. Mary Alice Voiceover: Another begins. Karl:Edie!I had asked her if she'd like to live together,and she said yes. Mary Alice Voiceover: And yet another... Bree:This is Rex's mother Phyllis. Mr. Flannery:Claims.This is Joe Flannery. Phyllis:Are you aware that my daughter-in-law has a boyfriend? Mary Alice Voiceover:...is exposed. Nina:It's not going to break your heart to leave those sad,little faces behind? Mary Alice Voiceover:And while some people can't wait to get out of the house,others are being kept there,against their will. End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Cemetery - Daytime] (Bree and Phyllis are walking among the gravestones.) Phyllis: "Now which one is Rex's headstone? I always forget." Bree: "It's right down this row." Phyllis: "Oh. Oh, yes. That's right." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Over the years, Bree Van de Kamp had grown increasingly concerned over her mother-in-law's forgetfulness." (Flashback: Phyllis is standing with a tape measure hanging around her neck.) Phyllis: "Oh, honey, did I forget to take the pins out of that dress?" (Bree, trying on a dress, pulls a pin out of the dress.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Her lapses had become more frequent..."
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(Flashback : Phyllis and Bree in the front yard.) Phyllis: "Sweetie, didn't I tell you I was gonna paint that chair?" (Bree slowly turns around, revealing green paint all over the back of her clothes.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"More glaring..." (Flashback :Phyllis is holding a mop.) Phyllis: "Oh, dear. Didn't I mention I waxed the floor?" (Bree lies on the floor where she had just slipped and fallen.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And more dangerous." (Present: Bree and Phyllis are walking through the cemetery.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Bree was worried about Phyllis' faulty memory, but she was more than happy to remind her, especially when it came to the important things." Bree: "So have you given any thought to when you might be ending your visit? What?" Phyllis: "Have I become a burden? Is that what you're saying?" Bree: "I was simply asking when you were planning to leave. There was no agenda behind the question." Phyllis: "Oh. I, I don't know. Why don't we play it by ear?" Bree: "Yes, let's." (As they approach Rex's grave, they stop suddenly.) Phyllis: "What on earth?" Bree: "Oh, my god. What happened?" (They slowly approach a large, coffin-shaped hole in the ground.) Phyllis: "It looks like someone dug Rex up." Bree: "Well, I got that, but why? Why would they do that?" Phyllis: "I don't know. Unless..." Bree: "Unless what?" Phyllis: "Maybe this has something to do with that insurance investigator." Bree: "Insurance investigator?" Phyllis: "He came by asking all sorts of questions." Bree: "I don't know what you're talking about, Phyllis." Phyllis: "Maybe you were at the store. Anyway, he was very suspicious." Bree: "Suspicious?" Phyllis: "Oh, yes. He has a theory that Rex didn't die of a heart attack. He thinks he was poisoned." Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was in that moment Bree could finally see the truth." Phyllis: "Did I not mention that?" (Phylllis walks away from Bree and smiles.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Her mother-in-law's memory was fine. It was her soul that was faulty." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The parties took place on the front lawn of forty-three, forty-seven Wisteria Lane every Sunday afternoon." (A table on the lawn is covered with a flowery tablecloth.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Chloe Pendergast would bring the tea set, which was appropriate, since she was the hostess." (A young girl approaches the table carrying a serving tray and places it on the table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Brittany Chries provided formal attire from her mother's closet."
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(Another young girl pulling a wagon approaches. A box on the wagon contains many colorful articles of clothing.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And Marissa Anne McKay invited the additional guests, some of whom hadn't been to a party in years." (A third young girl approaches carrying a variety of dolls and stuffed animals. She places them around the table.) (The three young girl, all dressed up, are sitting around the table, having a pretend tea.) Girls: "Cheers." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, it never occurred to the young girls that while they were busy playing out their fantasy, one of the older girls in the neighborhood was engaging in a fantasy of her own." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle stands at the window, holding a cup of coffee, watching John, who is shirtless, as he prunes the trees outside her house. He smiles at her and she waves. He throws the pruning shears down and approaches the house.) (Gabrielle smiles coyly. He comes inside and they begin kissing.) (Gabrielle stands at her window when she awakens from her daydream and sees an overweight shirtless man pruning her bushes. He rubs his nose and she frowns.) (Gabrielle comes out her front door. The gardener, Ralph, almost runs into her.) Gabrielle: "Hey..." Ralph: "Oh, hi, Mrs. Solis." Gabrielle: "Ralph." Ralph: "Off to the mall again?" Gabrielle: "You know me." (Gabrielle walks past him to her car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"There was nothing Gabrielle enjoyed as much as shopping." (Gabrielle pulls her convertible to the curb. She scoots down in the seat and looks across the street at John mowing someone's lawn.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And even when she couldn't afford to take anything home, she took satisfaction in looking at the merchandise." (Gabrielle watches him with a smile on her face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Front Yard-Daytime] (Susan is pacing in front of her house, looking at her watch. She looks at Edie's house, down the street. Mike, working on his truck, sees her as she begins walking quickly toward Edie's house. He approaches her.) Mike: "Hey, Susan. What's going on?" Susan: "It's Karl's weekend to have Julie, and they're always back by six. That's our custody agreement, back by six, and it's after six." Mike: "It's, like, six-fifteen." Susan: "Well, see? There you go." Mike: "I'm sure they just forgot." Susan: "Well, I have a court order. It's out of my hands." Mike: "Yeah, it'd still be nice if you gave him a grace period." Susan: "Oh, I'm being nice. I could have him arrested. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him." Mike: "But-" Susan: "But he's with Edie. I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't
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concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?" (They reach Edie's house and hear singing.) Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine." Mike: "Doesn't sound like they're having an orgy in there." (Susan and Mike look through Edie's window and sees Edie sitting on the couch playing the guitar. Karl is standing near Julie who is singing.) Julie (singing): "All through the night, I'm gonna let it shine. All through the night, I'm gonna let it shine." Mike: "Well, obviously, they saw us coming." Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Front Yard -Daytime] (Tom and Parker are playing catch. Penny is in the playpen on the porch. Lynette drives up.) Tom: "Woo! That's a strike!" Lynette: "Hey, guys!" Parker: "Hey, Mommy." Tom: "Hey! Look who's here!" Lynette: "Parker, guess what I got." Parker: "What?" Lynette: "School supplies." Tom: "School supplies!" Lynette: "Yeah, and the best part of it is I got you a really cool backpack." Parker: "Whoa, look at that. Pretty neat, huh?" Parker: "Wow. Thanks." Lynette: "So on your first day of school, you and your dad can find your cubby and you can hang it up." Parker: "You're not taking me?" Lynette: "Actually, your dad's gonna take you to school on your first day." Tom: "Yeah, just me and you, big guy. I'll be right there to hold your hand." Parker: "But I thought mommy was taking me." Lynette: "Yeah, well, honey, I have to work. Mommy's boss is a mean, mean lady and if I miss work, I'll lose my job and then we won't have any money to buy food. Honey, you gotta believe me, if I could be there, you know that I would." (Parker gives the backpack back to Lynette and folds his arms across his chest.) Lynette: "All right. I didn't know it was that important to you. I will talk to my boss and I will see what I can do." Parker: "Thank you, mommy." (Parker takes back the backpack and goes into the house.) Tom: "Wow, I don't want to rain on your parade, but he just totally manipulated you." Lynette: "Well, hey, when a kid's that good, you gotta give him his due." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (Bree is sitting across from the detective in his office.) Bree: "An autopsy? Detective, Rex died of a heart attack." Detective: "Well, there were some anomalies in the doctor's report." Bree: "Anomalies? What anomalies?" Detective: "Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss this any further with you." Bree: "Am I a suspect?" Detective: "I didn't say that."
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Bree: "Well, if I am, you're wasting your time. I loved Rex and anyone who knows me will tell you that I was incapable of hurting him." Detective: "You sure about that?" Bree: "You talked to Phyllis." Detective: "Again, I can't discuss the case." Bree: "She's my mother-in-law. Of course she said horrible things about me." Detective: "Ma'am, lower your voice." Bree: "She blamed me for every problem that Rex and I ever had." Detective: "So there were problems with the marriage?" Bree: "Well, it was a marriage. Of course there were problems." Detective: "May I record this just so there's no confusion over your statement?" Bree: "No, you may not record this." Detective: "So you refuse to make a statement?" Bree: "I'm not refusing anything. All I'm saying is stay away from Phyllis. She's a, she's a raving loon." Detective: "Ma'am, perhaps you'd be more comfortable with an attorney present." Bree: "You want a statement? Fine, I'll give you a statement." (The detective holds up a tape recorder and presses the record button.) Bree: "My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him very deeply, and your mother did a lousy job." (Bree grabs her purse and storms out of the detective's office.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Daytime] (Phyllis, in her bathrobe, comes downstairs slowly, looking sleepy.) Mary Alice Voiceover: "To Bree's way of thinking, there were two kinds of people in the world." (Bree peeks from around the corner. Once Phyllis goes into the kitchen, Bree quietly runs upstairs.) Mary Alice Voiceover: "Those who were useless before their morning coffee-" (Phyllis, barely awake, pours herself a cup of coffee.) Mary Alice Voiceover: "-and those who weren't." (Bree, in Phyllis' closet, takes out Phyllis' clothes and her suitcase. Bree throws the suitcase on the bed.) (Phyllis, eating a piece of toast and holding her coffee, comes out of the kitchen. Bree is at the front door with Phyllis' bags all packed and Bree is holding Phyllis' traveling suit and shoes.) Phyllis: "What's going on?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Front Yard - Daytime] (A cab driver, parked by the curb, closes the trunk of his car. Bree has Phyllis by the arm, nearly pushing her toward the cab.) Phyllis: "Don't rush me, Bree! I'm an old woman! Don't rush me." (Phylllis gets in the cab. Bree slams the door.) Bree: "Get her out of here." (As the cab drives away, Phyllis leans out of the window.) Phyllis: "I will tell you one thing: you wouldn't be acting this way if you didn't feel guilty about something!" (Bree waves good-bye to Phyllis.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail Visiting Room] (Gabrielle sits at the visitor's table filing her nails.) (A buzzer sounds, the door opens and the guard bring Carlos in. Carlos sits and Gabrielle hands him a card.) Carlos: "What's the occasion?"
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Gabrielle: "Uh, our anniversary." Carlos: "Oh, right." Gabrielle: "How could you forget our anniversary? You sit in a cell all day long staring at a calendar." Carlos: "What's the big deal? Our marriage was a sham anyway." Gabrielle: "Oh, we're not doing this again." Carlos: "In real marriages, wives are faithful." Gabrielle: "Yeah, and husbands remember anniversaries, so I guess we're even." Carlos: "Are you equating forgetting our anniversary with cheating on me?" Gabrielle: "You are clearly determined to ruin this special day for us." Carlos: "What is wrong with you that you don't feel guilty?" Gabrielle: "I feel tons of guilt, so back off." Carlos: "You never even apologized." Gabrielle: "I apologized a million times." Carlos: "Yeah, but you always followed it up with an excuse. "I was lonely, you weren't home enough, a woman needs to be loved-" Gabrielle: "A woman does need to be loved, and since you didn't give it to me, I had to find it elsewhere." Carlos: "So that's what the teenager was doing in our bedroom. Filling you with love." Gabrielle: "Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me." (Carlos laughs.) Gabrielle: "No, he really did." Carlos: "Mm-hmm." Gabrielle: "Let me count the ways. Um, gently, savagely, frequently, upside down..." (Carlos slams his hand on the table. The guard comes over.) Guard: "Is there a problem here?" Gabrielle: "No, it's our anniversary. We're just reliving the good times." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Gabrielle drives her Aston Martin car into her driveway. Matthew comes up to her.) Matthew: "That's an amazing car. Aston Martin, right?" Gabrielle: "Uh-huh. Brand-new. Limited edition. A little anniversary present from my husband." Matthew: "He's very generous." Gabrielle: "More than he knows." (Gabrielle walks into her house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House-Julie's Bedroom] Susan: "I'm sorry. What?" Julie: "I'm singing at church for the family follies. Edie's going to accompany me on guitar. She's really good." Susan: "So you and Edie are, are gonna be an act." Julie: "Is that a problem?" Susan: "No. No. I mean, I'm a little surprised that you didn't ask me to accompany you first." Julie: "On what? You don't play an instrument." Susan: "I play the piano. You know that." Julie: "How would I know that? I've never seen you play." Susan: "Well, I played in high school." Julie: "So the last time you tickled the ivories was sometime in the late seventies?"
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Susan: "It was the early eighties. Well, I'm not gonna argue with you. You want to do the show with Edie, and I think that's super. So she's really good, huh?" Julie: "She knows her guitar. Apparently, there are a lot of musicians in her family, sort of like the Von Trapps." Susan: "Hmm." Julie: "Except, you know, her brother OD'd." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty and Matthew are setting up the meal tray in the kitchen.) Matthew: "All I'm asking you is to go out and play a little bit of ball. Is that such a big deal?" Betty: "Matthew, you are such an excellent player, darling, that people will want to be your friend. Then next thing you know, God knows who will be wanting to drop by and calling. Sweetie, we need to keep a low profile." (Matthew takes the gun out of the drawer.) Matthew: "Yeah, I know, but I have got to get out of this house sometime. I'm going crazy here, okay?" (As Matthew opens the basement door, the door is pushed violently towards him. Betty falls backward dropping the tray. The man from the basement attacks Matthew, slamming him against the furniture and pushing him down to the floor. The man smashes things around the room and tries to run. Betty trips him and Matthew jumps on top of him. Betty grabs the gun and hits the man hard on the head. The man falls down.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House-Outside] (Susan walks up to the front door and rings the bell.) (Matthew, still on top of the man, looks toward the front door. Betty puts the gun down on the table, steps over the man and goes to the door.) Betty: "What is it?" Susan: "Oh, my daughter is singing a song at church and I want to accompany her on the piano and I haven't played in years. Oh, you were just so amazing at Rex's funeral the other day, I was wondering..." Betty: "I don't give lessons." Susan: "Oh. Oh, okay." (Susan sees red stains on Betty's shirt.) Susan: "Oh. You have a little, uh, on your..." Betty: "I'm baking cherry pie. Excuse me." (Betty goes back into the house and closes the door quickly. Susan walks away. Matthew is standing at the basement door, out of breath. The man is no longer on the floor.) Matthew: "What happened to maintaining a low profile? You keep being rude to everybody, they're gonna start whispering about us." Betty: "You're right. We do want to fit in." (Betty gets a wet sponge and starts cleaning the blood off the floor.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] (Lynette exits her office. Stu is sitting at the desk outside the door.) Stu: "Lynette, check it out." (Lynette looks at the computer screen. A wide open mouth is on the screen.) Stu: "Jason's mouth." (Stu points at Jason who is holding a camera in front of his mouth.) Lynette: "Stu, isn't that the new video conference setup?"
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Stu: "Yeah. Isn't the resolution fantastic?" (Lynette walks away, into Nina's office.) Lynette: "Hey, Nina." Nina: "Mm-hmm?" Lynette: "Uh, about tomorrow morning..." Nina: "Mm-hmm?" Lynette: "You know how the first hour of the morning meeting is always so slow? 'Cause I've got this thing..." Nina: "Good god, this is not about your kids again, is it?" Lynette: "I know, I promised I wouldn't do this, but Parker really needs me to be there on his first day of kindergarten. He's so freaked out I can't be there." Nina: "I'm sorry. How is this my problem?" Lynette: "Because we can't escape the fact that I have kids. I love my job, but to be fair, there's gotta be some balance." Nina: "Okay, how about the people that don't have the kids? Did you ever consider that they might need a little more balance in their lives, hmm? Like, maybe they want to go see a matinee or perhaps they want to come in a little late after a big crazy night out or maybe they just want to get a hair cut, which I, myself, have not been able to do for two months. So, no, this is about fairness to the people who are childless by choice, okay?" Lynette: "Okay. Good point. And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset." (Lynette walks out of Nina's office. Stu holds the camera in front of Lynette. She knocks his hand away.) Stu: "Open wide." Lynette: "Not now, Stu. Hang on a sec." (Lynette stops suddenly and looks at the camera.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (The computer from Stu's desk is in on the kitchen table. Parker is holding the camera.) Parker: "I don't understand." Lynette: "This system is gonna let mommy be with you on your first day of school. The resolution is fantastic." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane-Daytime] (Gabrielle drives up to a curb to watch John garden someone else's lawn.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next day, Gabrielle decided to cheer herself up with another round of window shopping. But this time, she was taken aback by what was on display." (An older woman comes out of the house John is working at. She approaches John, runs her hand over his back and signals him to come inside. Gabrielle looks shocked. John puts down the hedge trimmer and goes inside. Gabrielle gets out of her car, sneaks up to the window and, amid faint moanings coming from inside, drops her jaw in apparent shock. Gabrielle walks back down the front steps and sees the electric hedge trimmer. She picks it up and starts it.) (Later, John comes out the door. The older lady is in her robe. They kiss. Gabrielle watches from across the street, smiles and drives away. John and the lady look at the front yard. All the flowers have been cut off from all of the pots lining the walkway.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Felicia Tilman's House-Daytime] (Mike knocks at the front door, holding a flowering plant. A bruised and battered Mrs. Tilman opens the door. She is wearing a neck brace.) Mike: "Mrs. Tilman."
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Felicia: "Mr. Delfino." Mike: "I, uh, heard you were back from the hospital. I brought you these." Felicia: "Oh, I can't tell you how long it's been since I got flowers from a handsome man. I mean, I could, but I don't want your pity." (Felicia comes outside onto the porch. Mike sees her suitcases stacked at the front door.) Mike: "Where are you off to?" Felicia: "I'm going back to Utah for a few weeks. The recuperation's taking longer than the doctors anticipated. Speaking of my attack, have they caught young Zachary yet?" Mike: "No, actually, that's why I'm here." Felicia: "So the flowers were just a ruse. Figures." Mike: "I'm trying to find Zach before he gets in any more trouble. Do you know any friends that he might have, anywhere he might be holed up? I know you were close to him." Felicia: "Funny thing. Since he beat me and threw me down the stairs, we just don't stay in touch like we should. Since when do you care so much about Zach Young?" Mike: "It's complicated." Felicia: "I'll bet. I'm sure he's out there somewhere trying to find his father, which I trust you made impossible." Mike: "No, I let Paul go. I couldn't go through with it." Felicia: "That was a mistake." Mike: "He will spend the rest of his life running from the police. I think that's punishment enough." Felicia: "Zach is the only connection that Paul has with his dead wife. At some point, he will run back here looking for him. I don't like to be negative, but you really should have killed him." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House -Nighttime] (Bree, Danielle, and Andrew are having dinner.) Bree: "At the risk of ruining a lovely evening, I have some unpleasant news. The police dug up your father today." Andrew: "What?" Danielle: "Why?" Bree: "Well, apparently, they want to do an autopsy. They don't think that he had a heart attack. They think that somebody was poisoning him." Danielle: "Who would have poisoned daddy?" Bree: "Well, apparently, I'm a suspect. Well, they always look at spouses first. It has something to with statistics. It's just a formality. I'll be cleared in no time. Would you two please stop looking at me like that? Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply." Danielle: "Yeah, but you and dad had a lot of problems. Everyone knows that." Bree: "Yes, we had issues, but I would never have hurt him." Danielle: "What about the night daddy had his second heart attack? You must have loved him a lot to make the bed before taking him to the hospital." Bree: "I was in shock, Danielle. You know that. Andrew, surely you don't think I murdered your father." Andrew: "I know you didn't. You're not capable of murder." Bree: "Thank you." Andrew: "That wasn't a compliment. It takes guts to kill somebody." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Daytime] (Susan is playing the piano with Betty standing nearby, watching.) Susan: "Thank you so much for changing your mind about helping me. I really appreciate it."
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Betty: "I'm happy to help. And I'm sorry if I seemed rude before. I, I was having a bad day. That's good. That's really good. You might want to lay off the pedal." Susan: "Really? Oh, I thought it made it sound more professional." Betty: "It doesn't." (Susan keeps playing. Loud hip-hop music begins playing from somewhere within the house.) Susan: "Boy, your son really likes to play his hip-hop music loud." Betty: "The good news is it drowns out the sound of the dryer. Arch your fingers, Susan." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House-Basement] (A stereo sitting on a table plays loudly while Matthew mounts a lock on the basement door using an electric drill.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Edie is on the couch playing the guitar while Julie is singing.) Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine." (Susan walks in, clapping.) Susan: "Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt. I knocked, but I guess you guys didn't hear me." Edie: "No, we heard you. We were just hoping that whoever it was would go away. I'm still hoping that'll happen." Julie: "What's up, mom?" Susan: "Well, I have good news. Um, I've been taking piano lessons with Betty Applewhite, and, uh, well, I just thought maybe I could join you guys. You know, like a trio. Doesn't that sound fun?" Edie: "I don't do trios, but thanks anyway." Susan: "Well, I don't mean to be technical here, but this show, I mean, it really is supposed to be a family thing, and I hate to point out you're not family." Edie: "No, but I have talent, and to most audiences, talent trumps family." Susan: "Well, what makes you so sure I don't have talent?" Edie: "Hmm, just a hunch." Susan: "Yeah, well, we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?" Julie: "Guys!" Edie: "Oh, come on, be honest. You didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved." Susan: "That is so not true!" Edie: "Oh, yes, it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you." Susan: "She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and if she had it to do over again, she'd pick me." Edie: "No, she wouldn't." Susan: "Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?" Julie: "Oh, no, no, no, no." Susan: "No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the family talent show?" Edie: "Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you." Julie: "Oh, okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose, I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie." Edie: "Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House-Daytime]
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(Gabrielle walks down the sidewalk to get her mail. John comes up to her.) John: "It was you, wasn't it?" Gabrielle: "Hello, John. Long time, no see." John: "One of the neighbors saw an Aston Martin driving away" (points to Gabrielle's car) and what do you know?" Gabrielle: "Well, someone had to tend to the yard. You were busy elsewhere." John: "You saw us?" Gabrielle: "Yes, and I have to say she's old enough to be your mother. Hell, she's old enough to be my mother." John: "Joan's only forty-one." Gabrielle: "Joan? You're calling her Joan?" John: "Why shouldn't I? She's my friend." Gabrielle: "I know you're friends, and I have a hunch you don't do to your friends what I saw you doing to that wrinkly old lady." John: "Okay, so you caught me doing it with somebody else. What's the big deal?" Gabrielle: "You're supposed to be in love with me." John: "What?" Gabrielle: "How many times did you say it? How many times did you whisper in my ear, "You're the only woman I'll ever love?"" John: "I don't know. A bunch." Gabrielle: "So were you lying to me? Were you just trying to get me into bed?" John: "No, of course not. I loved you, but we broke up." Gabrielle: "Yeah, like five minutes ago! Haven't you ever heard of a mourning period?" John: "I know it seems quick, but I have feelings for her. In fact, I think I may be in love with her." Gabrielle: "Oh, my god." (She clutches her stomach.) John: "What's the matter? Is it the baby?" Gabrielle: "No. Oh, no, no. It's me. I am beyond stupid." (Gabrielle sits on her front steps.) John: "You're not stupid." Gabrielle: "Oh, no, I am. Yesterday, I was still fantasizing that it could work with you, that a one-bedroom apartment might be cozy." John: "Mrs. Solis, please." Gabrielle: "Oh, my god. I almost left my husband for someone who calls me Mrs. Solis." John: "So, are you upset because you want to get back together? Because I can break up with Joan." Gabrielle: "That's okay, sweetie. I'm good." John: "So this is it for us?'Cause I really feel like we should end it better than this." Gabrielle: "Actually, John, given how stupid both of us have been, this an entirely appropriate ending." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (Bree, Andrew and Danielle enter the Detective's office.) Detective: "Mrs. Van de Kamp. What can I do for you?" Bree: "I would like to submit myself to a lie detector test to eliminate any uncertainty about what happened with my husband." Detective: "Are you sure you don't want a lawyer present?" Bree: "I'll waive all that. My only stipulation is that I want my children to be able to see me answer the
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questions." Detective: "I think we can accommodate you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Investigation Room] (Bree is connected to a lie detector. The Detective, Andrew and Danielle are watching through a one-way mirror.) Technician: "Is your name Bree Van de Kamp?" Bree: "Yes." Technician: "Were you married to Rex Van de Kamp?" Bree: "Yes." Technician: "Did you and your husband temporarily separate last year?" Bree: "Yes." Technician: "Did you kill your husband?" Bree (emphatically): "No." (Bree looks at the lie detector screen. The line remains even.) Technician: "Do you know a man named George Williams?" Bree: "Yes." Technician: "During your separation from your husband, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?" Bree: "What does that have to do with anything?" Technician: "Just yes or no responses, please." Bree: "Well, I'm not gonna respond to something that's none of your business." (The detective enters the room.) Detective: "Mrs. Van de Kamp, if you want us to take this polygraph seriously, answer the questions we ask, okay?" (The detective leaves the room.) Danielle: "Who's George Williams?" Andrew: "He's our pharmacist." Technician: "During your separation, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?" Bree: "Yes." (Bree looks at the screen. The line remains unchanged.) Technician: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?" Bree: "What? " Technician: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?" Bree: "No." (Bree looks at the screen. The lines are spiked.) Bree: "Um, I, I was thinking of something else just then, so why don't you ask me the question again?" Technician: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?" Bree: "No." (The lines on the screen are spiked all the way to the top of the screen.) Danielle: "Did you see that?" Andrew: "Yeah. I saw it." (Bree looks at the mirror. Andrew walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane-Daytime] (Betty is taking flowers out of her SUV. Susan walks up with sheet music.) Betty: "Hello, Susan. Are you ready for your lesson?"
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Susan: "Yep, I am. I think I'm going to make another push for using that pedal. I think it adds grandeur." (As they walk to Betty's house, a car screeches up with the horn honking.) Karl: "I want to talk to you!" Susan: "I'm busy now." Karl: "I cannot believe you kicked Edie out of Julie's performance!" Susan: "I did not kick Edie out. Julie made that call." Karl: "Because you played the mom card." Susan: "Well, it is a family recital, and Edie is not family." Karl: "One day, she could be." Susan: "Oh, don't even joke like that." Karl: "How about your plumber-slash-convicted murderer, huh? He seems to keep popping up at "family" events." Susan: "It was not murder, it was manslaughter, and that's totally different. Mike and I aren't even living together, and he cares about Julie." Karl: "Well, so does Edie, huh? She was really looking forward to performing with Julie." Susan: "If you think Edie Britt cares about anybody other than herself, you are living in a fool's paradise. You don't know her the way I do, and the only reason she's interested in Julie is to mess with my head." Karl: "Hey, that's both crazy and self-absorbed. That's a twofer! Way to go! Whether you choose to believe it or not, they're both great together, and if you don't believe me, ask Julie." (Karl gets in his car and drives away.) Susan: "I'm sorry you had to witness that." Betty: "Oh, that's okay, hon. I have lived my share of family knock-down drag-outs." Susan: "Well, I hope it wasn't as ugly as me and Karl." Betty: "You'd be surprised." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] (Lynette sits at her desk, setting up the video conferencing system. Parker and Tom are on the computer screen.) Lynette: "Parker, honey, can you hear me? Tom, why isn't he talking?" Tom: "Um, honey, there are a lot of kids here. He's a little stressed. Parker, say hi, say hi." Parker: "Mommy?" Lynette: "Oh, hey, honey, this is so exciting. Your first day of school. You're going to make so many friends." (Nina sticks her head in the door.) Nina: "Lynette, staff meeting, now." Lynette: "Uh, right, yeah. I'm going to be right there." Nina: "Now. Now, now, now!" (Nina walks out and puts her coffee cup on Stu's desk.) Nina: "Stu, this coffee, it's cold." Lynette: "Honey, I'm gonna be right back." Parker: "Mommy? Where are you going?" Lynette: "Right back." Parker: "Mommy, come back!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Conference Room] (The staff is sitting around a large table.) Nina: "Okay, let's turn to page five."
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Lynette: "Damn. I forgot my prospectus. Any extra copies? No? Oh, I'll be right back." (Lynette gets up and rushes out of the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] Lynette: "Hi, I'm back. How's he doing?" Tom: "Um, um, honey, he's upset because he wanted to show you his cubby. You left." Lynette: "Oh, honey, I'm here. I'm here. You can show me your cubby now." (Stu sticks in head in Lynette's office.) Stu: "Nina found extra copies. She wants you back now." Lynette: "Okay. I'll be back in two seconds, sweetie." Parker: "Mommy! Mommy! Don't go!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Conference Room] (Lynette sits at the table with the other staff members.) Nina: "So the big issue here is second-quarter billing." (Lynette gets up and starts leaving the room.) Nina: "Where are you going?" Lynette: "Ladies' room." Nina: "No." Lynette: "Nina, nature is calling." Nina: "Lynette, hold it for ten minutes. We have to get through this." (Lynette sits down again.) Nina: "What I'd like to do is trade out the invoicing structure. Let's take a look at our graphs on page ten, please." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette had been struggling to balance her career and her family. She finally saw an opportunity to tip the scales in her favor." (Nina drinks from her coffee cup, then sets it down on a folder. Lynette sees that the cup is tilted and near the edge of the table.) Nina: "Instead of badgering clients with invoices on the shorter term campaigns, I say we bill on delivery." Lynette: "Yes!" (Lynette hits the table hard. The cup moves closer to the edge.) Lynette: "Bill on delivery, yes!" (She hits the table again. The cup moves to the edge of the table.) Nina: "Are you having a seizure?" Lynette: "No, no, I'm just, I'm very excited. It's a really good plan. Yeah." Nina: "Now, what happened on the Burman account is that they were sent duplicate bills by Tina and Ron in accounting and I'm not pointing any fingers, but Tina, Ron, about walking in and seeing all my lines lit up with disgruntled.." (Lynette sits back in her chair and lifts the table up with her knee. The coffee cup falls into Nina's lap. She jumps up.) Nina: "Aah! Ohh! Hot! Hot! Help. Stu! Aah! Aah!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] Lynette: "And that's why we packed you extra cookies so you could share with all your new friends, remember?" Parker: "Uh-huh."
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Tom: "I think we're good to go now, honey." Lynette: "You're gonna be great, Parker. I love you." Parker: "I love you, too, mommy." (Lynette throws a kiss to Parker and turns the screen off. She spins in her office chair and sees the staff hovering around Nina, who is holding ice packs to her inner thighs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pharmacy-Daytime] (Bree enters and walks up to the pharmacy counter.) George: "Bree, hi. What can I do for you?" Bree: "Well, for starters, you can help me prove to the police that we didn't conspire to kill my husband." George: "Okay." Bree: "So because of the anomalies in Rex's blood, the police started to wonder if I'd been poisoning Rex." George: "That's absurd. Lots of things can cause high potassium levels: renal failure, low sodium." Bree: "Well, that's why I took the polygraph, to prove to them that I was innocent." George: "Obviously, you passed." Bree: "Sort of. Well, I think the police now have a different theory, which is if I wasn't poisoning Rex on my own, then maybe you were helping me." George: "You're kidding." Bree: "No, that's why I need you to take the polygraph, too." George: "What? " Bree: "It's the quickest way to prove to the police that they're wrong." George: "I...I don't understand. We're just friends. Why would the police assume that people in a platonic relationship would want to murder someone?" Bree: "Um, um, during the test, they asked me some questions about you and, um, us and whether we had a relationship and I said yes, because it's true. And then they asked me something else, something I hadn't considered." George: "Which was?" Bree: "They asked me if I loved you." George: "What did you say?" Bree: "I said no." George: "Oh." Bree: "But according to the polygraph, that wasn't exactly true." George: "Well, I don't, I don't know if that means anything. Polygraphs aren't completely reliable." Bree: "I think perhaps the machine picked up on something, something that I wasn't aware of." George: "Wow." Bree: "That's why I need you to take the test and answer the detective's questions, because I'm not going to know exactly how I feel until we put this behind us, but then, once we do..." George: "We can move on." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church] Emcee: "Can those Chicorelli sisters dance or what? Wow, look out Broadway! Now don't forget that we will have cookies and juice set up in the basement after we're done here. We want to see you all there. And for our next act, please welcome the musical stylings of Julie and Susan Mayer." (The audience applauds.) (Susan and Julie come out on stage. Julie goes to the microphone and Susan sits at the piano. After a couple of seconds of silence, Susan gets up and whispers in Julie's ear.)
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Susan: "I'll be right back." (into the microphone) "Oh, um, I'm just gonna need a couple of seconds, so feel free to pray." (Susan runs down to Edie in the audience sitting next to Karl.) Susan: "The other day when I saw you making music with my family, I got a little jealous and I went a little crazy and I pushed you out. Seeing you sitting here today, well, I can see how much you care about Julie, and she comes first, and it should be you up there playing with her, not me. So I'm sorry." Karl: "Thank you, Susan." Edie: "How convenient that you decided this after I showed up without my guitar." Susan: "Well, like I said, I'm sorry. I wish it could be you up there." Edie: "You know, I play piano." [Later] Emcee: "And so let's all welcome Julie Mayer and her Aunt Edie." (The audience applauds. Susan sits next to Karl, while Edie is at the piano. She begins to play.) Karl: "You did a good thing." Susan: "Yeah, well, I try." (Edie plays the piano off-key. Julie cringes as she begins to sing.) Julie (singing): "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." (Julie turns to look at Edie.) Edie: "Ohh, give me a break. This thing has, like, ninety flats in it." Susan: "Poor Julie." Karl: "Stop it. You're loving this." Susan: "No, not at all." (Susan pushes the camera Karl is holding up to film.) Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine let it shine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail Visiting Room] (Carlos enters. He sits across from Gabrielle.) Carlos: "So, they said you needed to see me. What is it? What's going on?" Gabrielle: "Um, I've been thinking, you know, about, um, everything that happened with John, and, and, um, I was really selfish and stupid. And I'm sorry. I really am sorry. That's all I had to say, really." Carlos: "You know what? That is the best anniversary gift that you've ever given me." (Carlos reaches across the table and holds Gabrielle's hand.) Gabrielle: "Really?" Carlos: "Yeah." Gabrielle: "Actually, the one you gave me is really nice, too." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane-Daytime] (Chloe Pendergrass holds her tea party with her friends.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Everyone enjoys a game of make-believe now and then. Of course, the ways in which we play can vary greatly." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] (Lynette picks up a framed picture of her and Parker from her desk.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes we tell ourselves work won't interfere with our family life." (Nina sticks her head in the door.) Nina: "Lynette, staff meeting, now."
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Lynette: "Yeah." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes, we imagine certain relationships to be more meaningful than they really are." (John is mowing a lawn. Gabrielle jogs by. John waves to her, but Gabrielle doesn't respond.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Occasionally, we put on a show, as if to convince ourselves our secrets aren't really all that terrible." (Matthew and Betty are preparing the meal tray. Matthew gets the gun.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (Bree and the Detective are standing on the glass side of the one-way mirror into the investigation room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, the game of make-believe is a simple one." (Inside the room, George is taking a lie detector test.) Technician: "Did you know Rex Van de Kamp?" George: "Yes." Technician: "Did Mrs. Van de Kamp ask you to poison her husband?" George: "No." Technician: "Did you poison Rex Van de Kamp?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"You start by lying to yourself..." George: "No." (The line on the polygraph is unchanged.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And if you can get others to believe those lies, you win." (George smiles.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X04 - My Heart Belongs to Daddy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"... Parker:You're not taking me? Lynette: Dad's gonna take you. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette's new job came with a price. Carlos:If this charge sticks,I get sent away for eight years. Mary Alice Voiceover:And carlos paid for his mistakes. Technician:Are you in love with Mr. Williams? Bree:No. Bree:I think the machine picked up on something that i wasn't aware of. Mary Alice Voiceover: While Bree detected feelings she'd never known. Susan:You come within 10 feet of her,I will have you arrested.Now get out.
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Susan discovered something... Susan:Zach is your son,isn't he? Mary Alice Voiceover:...too close to home. End of Recap -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail-Outside Yard] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The residents of the Fairview County Jail looked forward to every Tuesday." (The yard is built around a fenced-in walkway. Inmates are milling around the yard.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"That was the day that Gabrielle Solis came to visit her husband." (Flashback - Gabrielle enters the fenced in enclosure. All the inmates gather near the fence to watch her walk through the enclosure.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The inmates went out of their way to give her compliments whether she wanted them to or not." (Flashback-The inmates make kissing noises and whistle as Gabrielle walks through. Gabrielle shakes her head in disgust.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"With each visit, these accolades became increasingly inventive." (Flashback - Gabrielle in a gold outfit walks through. The inmates continue to make sexual gestures and cat calls.) Inmates: "Who's your daddy! Look over here!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"Still Gabrielle was not flattered. In fact, Gabrielle started to dread this special attention." (Flashback -Gabrielle enters the enclosure. Inmate makes gestures as though he is riding a horse. Gabrielle is disgusted and ignores them.) Inmates: "Ride' em.. Ride' em!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"Until one day when-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Fairview County Jail-Daytime] (Gabrielle is walking down the fenced in area with Carlos' lawyer, Mr. Doyle.) Gabrielle: "I don't think a conjugal visit is such a ridiculous request." Mr. Doyle: "With all due respect, Mrs. Solis, let's just get through the discovery phase first, okay?" Gabrielle: "But, I don't think I can wait that long." Mr. Doyle: "I am trying to get your husband out of jail. You want me to just stop everything so you can have a booty call?" (Gabrielle smacks the attorney with her purse.) Gabrielle: "Excuse me! We are husband and wife. When we make love it is a very sacred covenant." Mr. Doyle: "Huh!" Gabrielle: "Okay, look, all we need is twenty minutes." Mr. Doyle: "I said no." Gabrielle: "You can't tell me no.You work for me. You will make it happen!" Mr. Doyle: "You can't force me to do anything. I am not your maid. Or your gardener." (Gabrielle slaps Mr. Doyle. All the inmates along the walkway are watching.) Inmates: "Oh, Oh, ha!" Mr. Doyle: "I could have you arrested for that." Gabrielle: "Oh really. Then how about for this?" (Gabrielle slaps him again, even harder. He falls against the fence.) Mr. Doyle: "You crazy bitch! Ow!"
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(Inmate #1, behind the fence, pokes Mr. Doyle with a stick.) Inmate #1: "Apologize to the lady!" Mr. Doyle: "Big mistake, pal. I play golf with the warden. You're gonna rot in-ow!" (Inmate #2 on the other side, pokes Mr. Doyle with a stick.) Inmate #2: "You heard him. Apologize!" (Gabrielle looks on in shock.) Mr. Doyle: "Look, fellows, I am just trying to do my job. This is all her fault. If she weren't so damn horny... Ow! Ow! Ow! All right, all right." (Inmates behind Mr. Doyle continue to poke him with sticks. He staggers toward the exit gate as the inmates continue to poke and yell at him.) (A whistle blows. A guard in the tower shoots tear gas into the crowd. The inmates continue to poke Mr. Doyle. One inmate grabs him by his tie and pulls him into the fence.) Inmates: "Apologize!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was at that moment, it occurred to Gabrielle this was the nicest compliment she had ever received." (Gabrielle watches and smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane-Twilight] Mary Alice Voiceover:"There was one thing all the fathers on Wisteria Lane had in common." (Flashback - A car drives up in front of a home. A man gets out of car and runs up to the front door as 2 kids run out the front door and hug their daddy.) Kids: "Daddy, daddy." Mary Alice Voiceover:"They could return home after a hard day's work the family they left behind." (Flashback - Man #2 approaches his porch and two little girls run out and hug him.) Little Girl: "Daddy, daddy." Mary Alice Voiceover:"And not feel at all guilty about the precious moments they had missed." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -Nighttime] (Lynette pulls into her driveway and runs into her house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly, the same could not be said for the working mothers." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Parker is fast asleep in his bed. Lynette creeps into the room quietly. She sees a black umbrella lying on the bed next to Parker. She covers Parker with the blanket and taps him with a kiss.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House-Kitchen] Tom: "Hey, honey. I held dinner for as long as I could. It just got-" (Lynette kisses Tom.) Tom: "-too late for them." Lynette: "You couldn't have given them coffee or something? I just feel like I'm missing out on their lives entirely." Tom: "Hey, you sit, eat and I will fill you in." (Lynette sits down at the kitchen table where there is a plate of spaghetti. She picks up the bread and begins eating.)
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Tom: "Oh, don't eat that. That's been sitting out for hours. That's for Mrs. Mulberry." (getting a plate out of the oven) "This is for you." (Tom brings a warm plate to Lynette.) Lynette: "I'm sorry, who?" Tom: "Oh, Mrs. Mulberry. Parker has an imaginary friend. Um, British nanny. I think he really locked into the whole Mary Poppins thing." Lynette: "Is that why he's sleeping with an umbrella?" Tom: "He carries it with him everywhere. It's a security blanket." Lynette: "When did this start?" Tom: "About a week ago, I guess." Lynette: "And you don't find it odd that Parker's new nanny made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?" Tom: "Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal." Lynette: "I agree with you to a point when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies." Tom: "Hey, Parker is having a little trouble adjusting, that's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive." Lynette: "I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive," (pointing to Mrs. Mulberry's plate) "How come she gets a bigger portion?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House-Nighttime] (Susan is on the front porch, holding a swan made of tin foil. Mike kisses her, then walks away.) Susan: "What, that's it?" Mike: "You're the one who said you wanted things to be casual between us." Susan: "Yeah, but that doesn't mean we have to act like brother and sister. I mean, you bought me ribs. I have gratitude to express." (Susan pulls Mike to her and kisses him. Mike kisses her back, then pulls away.) Susan: "What's wrong?" Mike: "I can't do this. This casual thing. It's, it's weird." Susan: "No, no, it's not. We're just gonna pretend like it was when we first started dating. We'll just see each other occasionally. You know, until we get this Zach thing resolved. You know, we'll just be easy about it. No commitments. Except, of course, neither of us is allowed to date anybody else." Mike: "Look, I know how you feel about Zach, and I don't blame you. But he's part of the package right now and either you can accept that or you can't." (Susan nods.) Mike: "Anyway." (Mike begins to walk away. Susan watches as Mike leaves.) Susan: "Mike, wait!" (She runs after him. She catches up with him.) Susan: "I accept." Mike: "Are you sure?" Susan: "Zach's your son, and, and I have Julie and you're totally accepted her. I mean, granted, she's been the model child, so far, but she's almost fifteen. She's gonna turn on me any minute. You better be there to help me when it gets ugly." Mike: "I will." (They smile and Susan kisses Mike.) Susan: "Good night."
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(She walks back toward her house.) Mike: "Uh, Susan." Susan: "Yeah?" Mike: "Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore." Susan: " I can be naked in twenty seconds! That includes travel time." (Susan pulls Mike toward his house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Jail Visiting Room] (Couples are sitting across from each other.) Gabrielle: "Carlos, will you calm down?" Carlos: "You incited a prison riot!" Gabrielle: "It wasn't a riot. It was more of a melee." Carlos: "Who's going to defend me now? Doyle knew my case. He knew the judge." Gabrielle: "He called me a bitch." Carlos: "Well, were you acting like one?" Gabrielle: "He refused to help me get a conjugal visit." Carlos: "Hold it. My lawyer's in traction because you wanted sex?" Gabrielle: "Not just for me. For us. In case you haven't noticed, Carlos, our marriage is still on shaky ground." Carlos: "And you thought a conjugal visit would fix it?" Gabrielle: "It couldn't hurt! Ever since you've been in here, all we do is bicker!" Carlos: "That's all we ever did when I was out! That's what we do!" Gabrielle: "Yeah, but when we would finish arguing, we had this great sex! Now all we do is fight and there's no payoff and it sucks! You and I need to get laid!" (Everyone in the room turns to look at her.) Gabrielle: "Oh, don't judge me! You're not in here because you got caught helping the poor." (to Carlos) "See, we'd be enjoying this argument more if we had something to look forward to!" Carlos: "Fine! Get the damn lawyer. And make it quick." (Gabrielle leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House-Nighttime] (Bree stands outside with George. He leans forward and she kisses him on the forehead.) George: "I take it that was my goodnight kiss." Bree: "George, you're a very special friend, you are, but Rex hasn't been dead four weeks so I think kissing on the lips is-" George: "Further than you want to go." Bree: "Exactly. I hope you don't mind." (George takes hold of Bree's hands. The front door of Bree's house slams. They turn and see Andrew come out holding a trash bag. They drop hands.) Bree: "Andrew. What are you doing?" Andrew: "Taking out the garbage." Bree: "Of course. You remember Mr. Williams." George: "Hi, Andrew." Andrew: "George." Bree: "Ah, wel,l it's getting late, so-" George: "Yeah. So let me know if you want to go out to dinner again soon. There's a couple new restaurants I
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would like to try." Bree: "You know, we've been eating out a lot lately. Why don't you come over Friday for a home-cooked meal. Wouldn't that be nice?" (Andrew stands next to Bree.) George: "I would love that." Andrew: "So you leaving or what?" George: "We're not done talking." Andrew: "She said it was getting late. In case you missed that, that was a hint." Bree: "Andrew, that wasn't a hint." George: "I'll go when I'm ready." Bree: "Actually, it is getting late, and I am tired, so..." Andrew: "See, you heard the lady. Now take off." (Andrew pushes George.) Bree: "Andrew!" George: "It's okay. He's not really that tough. He knows I would never hit a child." (Andrew shoves George with both hands.) Bree: "Andrew!" (George pushes Andrew with one hand.) Bree: "George." (Andrew shoves George and knocks him down.) Bree: "Stop it, the two of you, this instant! This was a perfectly lovely evening and now the both of you have ruined it. I will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Do you understand?" (Andrew nods. Bree turns toward George, who is still on the ground. George gets up.) Bree: "All right then. George, we'll see you Friday for dinner. I'll be serving fish." (Bree turns and walks inside. Andrew follows her. George stares after him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house -Morning] (Lynette is sitting on Parker's bed, waking him. Parker is holding the umbrella as he sleeps.) Lynette: "Hey buddy, wake up sleepyhead. Parker. Hi, hi pal. What do you say you and me go get some donuts, okay, before mommy has to go to work. Yeah?" (She pulls Parker up, but he falls back down asleep, hugging his umbrella.) Lynette: "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Car-Morning] (Lynette climbs in. Parker is sitting in the back seat.) Lynette: "All right. Ah. So, what do you think you are going to have, huh? Jelly? Cause I think I'm gonna have a bear claw." (Lynette begins backing up the car.) Parker: "Stop! We forgot Mrs. Mulberry!" Lynette: "What? Oh, um. Well, since I'm here, maybe she could just relax in the house for a little while, okay?" Parker: "No! I need her!" Lynette: "Okay." (Lynette unbuckles her seat belt and gets out. She stands outside the passenger door and pretends to talk to someone.) Lynette: "Hello, Mrs. Mulberry. Don't forget to buckle up." (Back in the driver's seat, she begins to back up the car.)
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Lynette: "Here we go." Parker: "Wait! You forgot her umbrella!" Lynette: "Well, Parker, we don't have time." Parker: "No! She needs it!" (Lynette unbuckles her seat belt and runs inside the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Bedroom] (Tom is helping one of the twins get ready.) Tom: "Hey, what are you still doing here?" Lynette: "I'm looking for Parker's umbrella. Have you seen it?" Tom: "Nope, no, sorry. Hey honey, you'd better hurry. You're gonna be late for work." Lynette: "Thank you for that." (Lynette runs out of the room. She runs outside, carrying a wide sun hat, and gets into the car.) Lynette: "I couldn't find Mrs. Mulberry's umbrella so I brought her her sun hat instead, all right? And, here we go." Parker: "It's in the shower." Lynette: "What?" Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry said she left it in the shower." Lynette: "Well, why didn't Mrs. Mulberry volunteer that information before I turned your room upside down looking for it, hmm?" Parker: "Are you going to go get it?" Lynette: "No! I'm not going to get the damn umbrella! I'm so sorry, sweetie. I am not mad at you." (Parker unbuckles his seat belt and climbs out of the car.) Lynette: "What are you doing?" (Parker opens the other passenger door, then slams it.) Parker: "We don't want donuts." (Parker goes back into the house. Lynette puts her head on the steering wheel and sighs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is folding laundry when Andrew comes in wearing a ripped T-shirt.) Bree: "Andrew! You are not leaving the house dressed like that." Andrew: "I'm, I'm just gonna meet some of the guys at the swim club." Bree: "I don't care. Here, put this on. Every time you leave this house, you represent this family. And the least you can do is not humiliate us." (Andrew removes the ripped shirt and puts on the shirt Bree hands him.) Andrew: "A ripped T-shirt is just a look." Bree: "Yes. A bad one. I hope you haven't made plans for tomorrow night." Andrew: "Look, if you think I'm having dinner with the pharmacist, you're crazy." Bree: "Part of the reason I'm having him over is so that you can get to know him." Andrew: "Yeah, well, I don't want to get to know him." Bree: "Honey, the feelings that you're having are perfectly normal, but George isn't trying to take your father's place. He's, well, he's just a friend." Andrew: "Really? Just a friend? So you're not planning on getting more serious with this guy in the future?" Bree: "You know, I haven't even thought about it." Andrew: "You're so transparent, it's pathetic. You're worried about a ripped T-shirt humiliating this family? Wait 'till people see that you're dating the town nerd less than a month after your husband's funeral."
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Bree: "I'll be serving dinner tomorrow at seven. Please don't be late." Andrew: "Sorry, but, I already have plans." Bree: "Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?" Andrew: "Yeah. So?" Bree: "Doesn't it require a large entrance fee? One that you can't afford by yourself?" Andrew: "Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?" Bree: "Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane -Daytime] (Susan is putting up a "missing" flier of Zach on a tree. Edie approaches wearing a bright pink cast on her leg.) Edie: "Mayer! Is this yours?" (She holds up the flier.) Edie: "It blew into my front yard." Susan: "Oh, sorry. I'm helping Mike find Zach. You know, so we can all rest easy at night." Edie: "Uh huh. And put him in jail? Oh, I don't think Mike would do that to his own son." Susan: "You know?" Edie: "That Mike's Zach's real father? Yes. Julie told Karl, Karl told me and I sent out a few e-mails." Susan: "Well, thanks for your discretion." Edie: "Boy. You would do anything to get Mike Delfino to love you. So what's gonna happen to little creepy when he gets here? Are you gonna be tucking him in at night? Making him breakfast in the morning? Careful to bob and weave as he tries to blow your head off?" Susan: "You know, Edie, could you just back off? I mean the truth is we're probably never gonna find Zach, anyway. It's a needle in a haystack." Edie: "Oh, I see, and then you'll still come off as little Miss Perfect self-sacrificing girlfriend. Putting his needs ahead of yours. Oh, why you conniving little shrew. I don't know why we're not closer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[David Bradley's Law Office] Mary Alice Voiceover:"There was a reason David Bradley was the most successful lawyer in all of Fairview." (Flashback - David is sitting across the desk from an attractive blond.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"His arguments were persuasive." David: "No one ever has to know." (He grabs the blond and begins kissing her.) (Flashback -He pushes a brunette against the wall and begins kissing her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"His manner was forceful." David: "Take it off. Take it off." (Flashback -His office door opens. Another woman comes out wearing a skimpy dress.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And he tended to win on appeal." David: "Please." (He begins kissing woman #3.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And when it came to the more challenging cases-" (Present time. Gabrielle is sitting across from David while he looks through Carlos' file.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"He knew it was to his advantage to raise the first objection." David: "I'm not gonna take your case." Gabrielle: "What?" (The intercom beeps.)
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David: "Yes?" Secretary: "Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Bradley. Your dinner just cancelled. Did you want me to pull your reservation?" David: "No, I still have to eat!" (to Gabrielle) "I'm sorry. Where were we?" Gabrielle: "You were about to turn me down, then you reconsidered once you realized I was gonna throw a ton of money at you. Which I am." David: "Ah. It's not about the money for me anymore, Mrs. Solis. The fact is if I don't feel passionately about a client, if I don't feel that fire in my belly, I don't bring my A game to court. And from what I've read, it will take my A game to save your husband." Gabrielle: "Is this about the gay bashing thing? He's innocent." David: "He went berserk and attacked a man in court." Gabrielle: "Yeah, but that was a jealously thing. The man that my husband was trying to kill in court is not the least bit gay. Trust me." David: "Your file also says you're seeking conjugal visits. Trying to keep the old marriage alive, huh?" Gabrielle: "Why does everybody have a problem with me having sex with my husband?" David: "Can I be frank?" Gabrielle: "Only if it ends with me getting what I want." David: "Your marriage is doomed. " Gabrielle: "Excuse me?" David: "I've been doing this for a long time, Mrs. Solis. I know what incarceration can do to a relationship. Marriage is hard enough, but when you throw in cement walls and armed guards, iron bars, it tends to go downhill rather quickly. Conjugal visits, not withstanding." Gabrielle: "But, I-" David: "Listen. You want my advice? Walk away. You're young. You made a mistake. Learn from it. Maybe next time you'll marry smarter. If you'll excuse me, I have dinner reservations." Gabrielle: "Reservation! You're eating alone, remember? And I have a feeling it's not the first time!" (Gabrielle grabs the file and walks out. David smiles as she leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parker's School-Headmasters's Office] Lynette: "I'm so sorry I couldn't get here sooner. I forgot my husband had to take our youngest to the pediatrician..." Headmaster Lentz: "It's all right, Mrs. Scavo." Lynette: "So, what did Parker do?" Mrs. Truesdale: "Are you aware that your son has an imaginary friend? Mrs. Mulberry?" Lynette: "Yes. We've met." Mrs. Truesdale: "Well, um, yesterday Parker demanded that Mrs. Mulberry get her own easel during art, which was fine. But today it was a desk, and unfortunately we didn't have an extra desk." Lynette: "Oh. That must have been ugly." Patty: "It was." Mrs. Truesdale: "Patty was rammed with this." (She passes over the umbrella.) Lynette: "Oh, I am so sorry." Headmaster Lentz: "Mrs. Scavo. Have you experienced a death in your family recently?" Lynette: "No. No. Why?" Mrs. Truesdale: "Imaginary friends are often created as a coping mechanism, to deal with loss." Lynette: "Uh huh."
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Headmaster Lentz: "Or it might occur as a result of some major change or extensive alteration in their lives." Mrs. Truesdale: "Exactly. A manifestation of some deep-seated unhappiness. Can you think of anything that might shed a little bit of light on this for us?" (Lynette begins to cry.) Headmaster Lentz: "Mrs. Scavo?" (Lynette cries louder. Patty hands a tissue box to the Mrs. Truesdale, who hands it to Headmaster Lentz, who hands it to Lynette.) Lynette: "Thank you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree clears the table from dinner as George and Andrew sit across from each other at the dining room table.) George: "And I'm thinking it's the Golden Gate bridge. What a great place to get a picture of the sunset. So I lean out, way over the rail to get the shot. Next thing I know, the police arrived. People had called nine-one-one from their cell phones. Thought I was suicidal." (George laughs. Andrew, sitting across from him, also laughs. Bree seems pleased. She carries plates into the kitchen, where Danielle is washing dishes.) Bree: "I can't believe how well those two are getting along." Danielle: "Yeah. It's freaky." Bree: "Andrew is being polite and engaging. He's even laughing at George's jokes." Danielle: "That's why it's freaky. George's jokes aren't funny." (In the dining room, George and Andrew are still laughing.) Andrew: "So, George. Can I ask you a question? It's kinda personal." George: "Sure." Andrew: "Have you ever actually been with a woman?" George: "Excuse me?" Andrew: "Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player. So, I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game." George: "My experience with women is none of your business." Andrew: "I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands." George: "We're not dating, exactly." Andrew: "Well, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great, but I want to make sure my mom's happy, you know and it would really set my mind at ease to know she's with a guy who knows how to please a lady." George: "This is inappropriate." Andrew: "You know, my parents had a great sex life. Yeah, I heard 'em through the wall in my bedroom once." George: "Please shut up." Andrew: "You should have heard my mom too. She had this, this weird moan. It was kinda like 'ummm, uh!' Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes." (George stares at Andrew. Bree and Danielle enter the room, carrying dessert.) Bree: "Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. Belonged to my grandmother, but hopefully, once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it." George: "I'm not hungry." Bree: "George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious." (Bree takes a bite) "Ummm, ummm!" (Andrew mouths "That's it" to George while pointing to his mother. George jumps up and slams his hand on the table.)
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George: "Go to your room!" Bree: "George." George: "You heard me. Go to your room." Andrew: "Mr. Williams, what's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" George: "Bree, please back me up." Bree: "Well. What did he say?" George: "I can't say. It's too sordid, but he said it! Are you gonna back me up or what?" Bree: "George, I can't allow you to discipline my child if you won't even tell me what he did." (George stares at Andrew, who smiles slightly. George storms out of the house.) Bree: "George! George!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle enters the kitchen, carrying shopping bags. She pushes the button on the answering machine.) David: (on machine) "Mrs. Solis. David Bradley. Look I feel really bad about the tone of our meeting so to make up for it, I'm gonna do you a favor. The more I think of it, the more I'm convinced your marriage is a train wreck, the gnarly type, you know, mass casualties. Anyway, I'm passing on the name of a divorce lawyer. K-" (Gabrielle hits the "off" button, hard.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[David Bradley's Law Office] (Gabrielle storms in.) Gabrielle: "You have some nerve, leaving that message on my machine." David: "You realize this is entirely inappropriate." Gabrielle: "I will tell you what is inappropriate. You making sweeping assumptions about the state of my marriage." David: "Care for a drink?" Gabrielle: "No. I like to keep a clear head when I'm telling people off. What makes you think you know anything about me or my husband?" David: "Well, your husband's record speaks for itself. But you, I'd rely on my instincts." Gabrielle: "Would those be the same instincts that picked out that cologne?" David: "You're privileged. You're pampered. You're spoiled. You want what you want, when you want it. You want excitement. A quickie every five months in a prison trailer isn't gonna scratch that itch." Gabrielle: "With all due respect, I will decide for myself what needs to be scratched and when." David: "Mrs. Solis, you are a beautiful, desirable woman. Your husband is a dimwit. A corrupt violent criminal. You could do so much better." Gabrielle: "Are you hitting on me?" David: "What would you say if I were?" Gabrielle: "I'd say I'm pregnant!" David: "So, I see you're stuck." Gabrielle: "I'm not stuck, Mr. Bradley. Believe it or not, I love my husband." David: "I charge seven hundred dollars an hour plus Xeroxing." Gabrielle: "I'll pay you six and I expect a conjugal visit tomorrow by noon." David: "Aren't you demanding?" Gabrielle: "Like you said. I want what I want when I want it." (She walks out of the office.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Park - Daytime]
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(Mike and Susan are walking through the park, holding fliers.) Mike: "So, a woman I talked to in Social Service said a lot of runaways hang out here. What?" Susan: "I'm just happy to be spending the day with you." Mike: "At homeless shelters and bus stations? I'm gonna go ask these guys if they've seen Zach. I think we'll cover more ground if we split up." Susan: "Okay." (Mike kisses Susan before he walks away.) Mike: "Thanks." (Susan walks around by herself, handing out fliers to people she passes.) Susan: "Have you seen this boy? Hey, missing kid. Anyone? Going once, going twice..." (At an ice cream stand, Susan takes two sundaes, holding one in each hand. She gestures to the fliers.) Susan: "Oh. Do you mind keeping those and pass them out when people get their ice cream?" Ice Cream Vendor: "Huh." Susan: "What?" Ice Cream Vendor: "Well, isn't that him?" (He points to a nearby bench.) Ice Cream Vendor: "Over there." (Susan sees Zach sitting on the bench.) Susan: "Oh. Zach. Zach!" (Susan runs to Zach, still holding the ice cream. Zach sees her and takes off running.) Susan: "Whoa. No, no no. No, no no, oh. Don't, don't, don't. Don't, don't, Zach, don't run away. Wait! Come on, just, would you just get back here? Come on really, just, let's just talk." (Susan chases after Zach, as the ice cream drips all over her.) Susan: "Damn it, Zach. It's enough already." (Zach is cornered and picks up a plank of wood and holds it up toward Susan. Susan tosses the ice cream and runs away.) (Mike is standing by a statue, looking around. Susan comes running up, looking behind her. She is a mess, covered in ice cream and fudge sauce.) Mike: "Nobody here has seen Zach. But theress a halfway house on the west side I want to check out. Are you okay?" Susan: "I got you some ice cream." Mike: "You did?" Susan: "But then I got hungry." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Susan, Gabrielle, and Bree stand in the kitchen.) Susan: "So then I just threw my ice cream at him and ran. Well, somebody say something." Gabrielle: "Thank God you were in flats." Bree: "I'm still recovering from Mike is Zach's real father." Susan: "I should have told Mike I saw Zach. I'm a horrible person, right?" Gabrielle: "No, Susan, come on. Zach attacked Felicia. He, he blew up your kitchen. Evidently he tried to kill Mike. We can all agree this kid's a freak!" Susan: "What do you think, Bree?" Bree: "Well, I think given everything that's happened, um, it's perfectly justified that you'd be frightened of Zach." Susan: "But-"
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Bree: "But, Zach is Mary Alice's son. He grew up playing in our yards. If he has any hope of surviving, I have to believe he's better off here than on the street." (Susan nods.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom and Lynette are doing dishes together.) Lynette: "I couldn't have imagined how much going back to work would upset Parker." Tom: "Look, he's gonna be fine. He's just gotta get used to daddy providing all the love. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I am kidding. Kids are resilient. He will adapt." Lynette: "Tom, he attacked a teacher with an umbrella." Tom: "It was a poke. He poked her." Lynette: "I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be working." Tom: "The kids would certainly benefit from having two stay-at-home parents, although buying food might become an issue." Lynette: "Maybe I can change my work schedule. Try to get some flex time." Tom: "Would Nina go for that?" Lynette: "No! No, no, no, no, no! It would help if you came up with some ideas." Tom: "How about hugs?" Lynette: "Hugs?" Tom: "Yeah. read about in one of those family magazines that kids are supposed to get, like, ten hugs a day. It makes them feel more secure. I say pile on the hugs." Lynette: "That'll fix everything? Hugs?" Tom: "Yeah. Come here. Come here. Hi." Lynette: "Hi." Tom (hugging Lynette): "It's working, isn't it?" Lynette: "Shut up." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Parker's Room] (Parker is sitting in his bed, reading by flashlight under an open umbrella. Lynette enters.) Lynette: "Hey, buddy. You busy?" Parker: "Yes. Mrs. Mulberry is reading to me." Lynette: "Well, isn't she nice. It's time for bed, so I'm gonna tuck you in, okay?" (Lynette closes the book and takes the umbrella.) Parker: "No!" (Lynette closes the umbrella and sits next to Parker.) Lynette: "I know things have been hard for you since I started back to work, but it is just as hard for me to be away from you. And, you just have to remember that even when I'm not around, my love for you is real. You may not be able to see it, but it's not imaginary like Mrs. Mulberry. It's real. Okay, honey?" Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry is real. She said you're a liar." Lynette: "Parker!" (Parker pulls the sheet over his head. Lynette pulls it down.) Lynette: "Parker." Parker: "We're reading." (He pulls the sheet back over him.) (Lynette pats Parker's head and walks out.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Park -Daytime] (Bree and George are having a picnic at a picnic table.) George: "I don't understand. Why can't we see each other anymore?" Bree: "Because. Ever since I found out what Andrew said, I've been doing some soul searching and I realize that everything that's happened is completely my fault." George: "Oh no. That's, that's ridiculous." Bree: "No, it's not. All the things that Andrew's been saying, the way he's been acting, it's all connected to his father's death and it's clear to me that I need to spend more time focusing on him and his needs." George: "You know, you're right. You do need to focus on Andrew." Bree: "Thank you, George, for being so understanding." George: "Of course. So have you thought about counseling? That place you sent him to, that behavioral modification camp. He got counseling there, right?" Bree: "But I only sent him there because his behavior at the time was so completely out of bounds." George: "You don't think that what he said to me was out of bounds?" Bree: "I just think if I spend a lot of time with him, it'll really help." George: "Why not do both? Let him spend a few months with some caring professionals, then bring him home." Bree: "What he said to you was horribly rude. That camp, it's extreme and unless I felt like Andrew was getting really out of control, then-" George: "Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that. You know, in spite of everything that's happened, I really like Andrew." Bree: "Oh George, really?" George: "Yeah. Truth is, he reminds me of me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail Conjugal Visit Trailer] Guard: "Conjugal visit rules are you got forty-five minutes.We call every fifteen minutes to make sure you're still here.You understand?" Gabrielle: "Yes, we got it. Uh, we interrupt our lovemaking to answer the phone or you call out the dogs." (Gabrielle pushes the guard out of the trailer. She turns toward Carlos.) Gabrielle: "I'm ready whenever you-" (Carlos is already in his underwear.) Gabrielle: "Obviously are." (Gabrielle jumps into Carlos' arms. They fall on the bed and begin kissing.) (Later, clothes are strewn all over the floor. Carlos and Gabrielle in bed.) Gabrielle: "Carlos, are we gonna make it?" Carlos: "We just did. You wanna go again?" Gabrielle: "No. I'm talking about us. Our relationship, our marriage. Carlos, you're gonna be a father. When you get out of here, you're gonna need to get a job and make an honest living, for me and our child." Carlos: "Babe, I've learned my lesson. Okay, when I get out of here, everything's gonna be different. We're gonna start over with a new life, and a great family and nothing is gonna get in the way of that. Hey, so you never told me. How's the new lawyer? Do you like him?" (The phone rings. Carlos reaches over and answers.) Carlos: "Yeah. Yeah, I'm still here." Gabrielle: "Okay, enough chit chat. We only have thirty minutes left and I want to make the most of it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Fairview Memorial Park] (Susan is wandering around the park. She sees Zach sitting on a bench. Zach's foot is bandaged. He picks at the bandage before looking up to see Susan approaching. ) Susan: "Okay, please, please don't run." Zach: "I can't. I hurt my foot." Susan: "How?" Zach: "I landed on it funny when I was running away from you. What do you want?" Susan: "Just to talk to you." Zach: "Why?" Susan: "Because, I have a lot of things to say so you can just listen. I'll buy you some food. When was the last time you ate?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Zach is eating.) Zach: "My dad's alive? Where is he?" Susan: "I don't know. He, he disappeared." Zach: "But Mike did not kill him? He's alive, you swear?" Susan: "I swear." Zach: "Maybe he went to Utah. I mean he used to have a life there. Before me. I don't know, I just need to get some money to find him." Susan: "Zach, you know what I think? I think you should come back with me." Zach: "Why?" Susan: "Because there are still people at home who care about you and there's things that you need to know." Zach: "Like what?" Susan: "Well, I can't tell you. You know, you messed up a lot of people's lives. You can't run away from that." Zach: "Do you mean Julie?" Susan: "What?" Zach: "I know that I messed up her life but I didn't mean to. I really miss her out here. I think about her all the time." Susan: "Yeah, well, Julie's a really special girl." Zach: "Has she said anything about me? Because if she has, then I might still have a chance with her. If I come back with you, then I could make it up to her." Susan: "Do you know what I think? I think you were right. I think you should try to find your father first." Zach: "Yeah?" Susan: "Yeah. Now that you know he's okay, you should go to him. He'll want to take care of you. That's what parents do. Let me help. How much money do you think you'll need to get to Utah?" (Susan opens her purse.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Lynette is lying in bed, awake. She gets up and goes into Parker's room. He is sleeping and his umbrella has fallen to the floor. Lynette strokes Parker's head, then grabs the umbrella.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House] (Lynette goes to the trash can. She opens it and jams the umbrella inside.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Wisteria Lane-Daytime] (The garbage truck is stopped in front of the Scavo house. The worker picks up the can containing the umbrella and dumps it inside the trash truck. He jumps on the side of the truck and it takes off. As it pulls away, the umbrella falls out of the truck, onto the street, and opens.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (In the kitchen, Tom is reading the paper at the table while Lynette sorts through work papers. Parker runs downstairs.) Parker: "Daddy. I can't find Mrs. Mulberry's umbrella. Where is it?" Tom: "Well, I don't know, sport. Honey, have you seen the umbrella?" Lynette: "No, can't say that I have." Tom: "Okay, listen, don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry is around here somewhere." Lynette: "Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could have left. You know. Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help." Parker: "Like who?" Lynette: "I don't know. It could be a little boy in, uh, England named Spencer." Tom: "Lynette?" Lynette: "I mean this is conjecture on my part, but it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more 'cause he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's an orphan with no hands. Okay?" (Parker nods.) Lynette: "You're so sweet. Come here. I love you. You all right? Go get dressed." (Parker runs upstairs.) Tom: "What have you done to Mrs. Mulberry?" Lynette: "Until there's a body, there's no evidence of a crime." (Later, Parker, Lynette, and Tom walk out the front door. Parker sees the open umbrella in the street.) Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry! She's back." Lynette: "Oh. Goodie!" Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry's back." (Just then, the garbage truck drives by and runs over the umbrella. Parker runs out to the crushed umbrella. He turns and grabs Lynette and cries on her.) Lynette: "Oh." Parker: "She got run over. She's dead." Lynette: "Oh. Don't you worry? I'm here." Tom: "Maybe it's okay, buddy. Maybe we can call nine-one-one." Lynette: "No, Tom. She's gone." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Swim Meet] (Andrew is getting ready to race. He waves to Bree, sitting on the side. He sees George approaching Bree with a gift bag. Andrew watches as George finds Bree and sits next to her.) Announcer: "Swimmers, take your mark." Bree: "George, what are you doing here?" George: "Don't worry, Bree, I'll be quick. I thought about what you said and you're right. Andrew needs his space." Bree: "Thank you, George." George: "It's best that I stay away and I completely understand if you want to change pharmacists, but I did
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want to give you a little goodbye gift." Bree: "Oh." (A starter pistol fires and the swimmers begin racing.) (Bree opens the box and pulls out a plate.) Bree: "George, it's my pattern. Where did you find it?" George: "I got lucky at an online auction." (Andrew, swimming in the race, is distracted as he watches Bree and George.) Bree: "I love it. Thank you." (Bree hugs George, who begins to kiss her neck. Bree tries to pull back.) Bree: "George." (Andrew stops swimming when he sees George kissing his mother. George looks over at Andrew.) (Bree pushes against George.) Bree: "George. George. George!" (Andrew swims across the swimming lanes and climbs out of the pool. George and Bree see him.) Bree: "Andrew, what are you doing?" (Andrew jumps on George and begins punching him in the face.) Bree: "Andrew! Andrew!" (George stands up, trying to get away and Andrew jumps on his back.) George: "You crazy-" Bree: "Stop it!" (The coach comes over and pulls Andrew off. Bree helps George into a chair.) Andrew: "Did you see it? He was kissing her!" Bree (to George): "Oh my God. You're bleeding" Andrew: "That freak was kissing her!" Coach: "I don't care. You gotta calm down now!" (George looks over at Andrew with the hint of a smile on his face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (In his room, Andrew is packing a suitcase. He places a picture of Rex in his bag as Bree watches.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recognize them? They're the ones who are missed so terribly that everything falls apart in their absence." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail Conjugal Visit Trailer] (Gabrielle is asleep and Carlos is watching her. He places a hand gently on her stomach.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They're the ones who love us, long before we've even arrived." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane-Nighttime] (Mike is walking his dog and finds a flyer of Zach on the ground.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They're the ones who come looking for us when we can't find our way home." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House -Nighttime] (Tom walks in the bedroom to find Lynette sobbing in bed.) Tom: "Hey, what's wrong?" Lynette: "Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world." (Tom puts his arm around Lynette.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, the world is filled with good fathers." Tom: "Honey, he is gonna get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day, when he is all grown up, you and Parker are gonna laugh hysterically about this." Lynette: "You really think so? Really?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives-" Tom: "I promise." (He kisses her forehead and hugs her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"-feel like good mothers." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X05 - They Asked Me Why I Believe In You -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"... Bree:The police dug up your father today.They think that somebody was poisoning him.Apparently,I'm a suspect. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree felt threatened by the past. Carlos:Get the damn lawyer. Gabrielle:Are you hitting on me? Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle was threatened by seduction. Zach: Do you mean Julie?If I come back with you,then I can make it up to her. Susan:You should find your father first. Let me help. Mary Alice Voiceover:And while some threats...were kept under control... Paul: Let's get this over with. Mary Alice Voiceover:Some were left free to return. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette and two co-workers are pitching an ad campaign to Nina.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Since her first day on the job, it had been clear to Lynette Scavo that her new boss, Nina, was unusually tense." (Nina, watching the presentation, does not look happy. Lynette sees Nina is holding a pencil tightly then suddenly snaps the pencil in half.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"To help relieve her tension, Lynette tried giving her boss thoughtful gifts." (Flashback-Lynette walks into Nina's office and places a wave machine on her desk as Nina rubs the back of her neck.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"A soothing wave machine-" (Flashback -Lynette walks into Nina's office with a basket of candles and oils. Nina is exercising her jaw. ) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Aromatherapy candles-" (Flashback -Lynette walks into Nina's office and places two Chi balls on her desk.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Even meditative Chi balls." (Present -Nina continues to watch the pitch.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But nothing seemed to ease Nina's tension." Nina: "Distilled the old-fashioned way? Do you know, it actually hurts my teeth to say that out loud."
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(She grabs the pitch sign out of their hands.) Nina: "You folks are going to toddle back to your little holes and you are gonna come up with a decent slogan or I will can all your asses the old-fashioned way!" (She rips the sign in half.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Until one day, when it occurred to Lynette there was one form of relaxation she had yet to try." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[O'Donnell's Bar] (Nina and Lynette are sitting in a noisy bar. The waiter puts two drinks on the table in front of them.) Lynette: "It's a gimlet. You'll love it." Nina: "What exactly is your plan here? To get me all liquored up so I'd buy the revised pitch?" Lynette: "Don't be ridiculous. Could we get a trough of these, please?" Nina: "I can't remember the last time I was in a bar. Must have been the last time I had a boyfriend, which was-oh god, I'm a nun." Lynette: "So why don't you go out and get in the game?" Nina: "Believe it or not, when it comes to meeting men, I am shy." Lynette: "Well, I'm not. So, uh, what about that guy over there? He's been checking you out since we walked in." Nina: "He's cute." Lynette: "So, go over there." Nina: "No." Lynette: "Oh, for god's sakes." (Lynette gets up and walks away from the table.) Nina: "Where are you going? Lynette. Sit!" (Lynette walks up to the guy she pointed out.) Lynette: "Hey, Stretch. See my friend over there? She thinks you're cute." (The guy looks over at Nina, who waves shyly.) Lynette: "Why don't you buy her a drink?" (The guy smiles and nods.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency-Daytime] (Lynette walks through a busy office. The elevator door opens and a disheveled Nina strolls in, carrying a coffee cup.) Nina: "Hey, everyone. Hi. Oh, it's a beautiful morning, isn't it?" (The receptionist hands some messages to Nina.) Nina: "Thank you, sweetie. Oh, hey, Lynette. I read the new mock-up proposal. Oh, you guys hit it out of the park!" Lynette: "Wow." Nina: "I like that color." Lynette: "Thanks. Hey, Nina." Nina: "Yeah?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"And although it had come about in a unexpected manner..." Lynette: "Are those the same clothes you were wearing last night in the bar?" Nina: "Yep!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"...Nina's tension had finally been released, the old-fashioned way!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Everyone in this world needs someone they can depend upon." (A home care worker is helping an elderly woman down the steps.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Be it a faithful companion." (Two woman friends are talking.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Trusted confidant." (A young boy is sitting on the lawn petting his dog.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Or loyal friend." (Lonnie Moon pulls his car into Susan's driveway.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"For Susan Mayer, that dependable someone was her book agent, Lonnie Moon. It was Lonnie who helped Susan promote her first children's book." (Flashback-Susan at a party with lots of kids. Behind her is a sign which reads "Meet Susan Mayer, Author of 'Ants in My Picnic Basket'.") Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was Lonnie who rushed Susan to the hospital the night Julie was born." (Flashback-Lonnie is helping a pregnant Susan walk down the hall. He carries her suitcase, but it accidentally opens, spilling everything on the floor.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was Lonnie who took Susan's mind off her painful divorce with a fun vacation." (Flashback -Susan and Lonnie, wearing sombreros, ride a donkey.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Lonnie was Susan's rock. Sadly for Susan, her rock was about to crumble." (Present-Lonnie walks up to Susan's door. Susan sees him approaching and runs to the door. Her TV is on.) TV Announcer: "For those of you just joining us, we have a new development on the Melanie Foster case. Earlier today..." Susan: "Lonnie. What are you doing here?" Lonnie: "It's past noon, which now means it is now socially acceptable to start drinking." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bar] (Susan and Lonnie are drinking beers.) Susan: "I can't believe I let you talk me into this. I am so behind in my work. But I'm glad I came. This is fun." Lonnie: "I've gotta be honest. I had an ulterior motive." Susan: "Oh?" Lonnie: "I've decided to start my own agency." Susan: "You're leaving Muir and Hunt? You helped build that place." Lonnie: "I know, but I just feel it's time. And now the question is, will you come with me?" Susan: "Well, of course." Lonnie: "Okay. To the future." (They clink glasses and drink.) Susan: "I'll just call the agency and let them know I'm going with you." Lonnie: "Oh, I don't think that necessary." Susan: "Really? Ah, I think it might be rude not to. Lonnie, what's going on?" Lonnie: "Okay. There's been some bad blood between me and the partners." Susan: "Why?" Lonnie: "I got into this thing where I had to move a little client money around temporarily to cover some expenses." Susan: "You had to move money? What does that mean?"
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Lonnie: "I took a little from here and I moved it there. It was no big deal." Susan: "Really? 'Cause it sorta sounds like embezzlement." Lonnie: "Why do people keep using that word?" Susan: "Who else is using that word?" Lonnie: "Nobody. The partners and their forensic accountants." Susan: "Oh, my god. Lonnie, did you move some of my money?" Lonnie: "Absolutely not! I swear! Susan, don't look at me that way. I know what I did was wrong and I feel like a complete idiot for doing it, but please, please don't hate me." Susan: "Well, I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you. You're my Lonnie." Lonnie: "So, will you still come with me?" Susan: "You know what? This is one of those times when you find out who your real friends are, so yeah." Lonnie: "Oh, thank you, thank you. You are one special lady, Susan Mayer." (They hug.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail Visiting Room] (Carlos is looking at an ultrasound picture of the baby.) Carlos: "Is that the baby's head?" Gabrielle: "No, it's his foot." Carlos: "That looks like a head to me." Gabrielle: "Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks." Carlos: "You're glowing today, you know that? Pregnancy agrees with you." Gabrielle: "Yeah? Well, if you don't mind the hemorrhoids and the nausea, it's quite the party." (Carlos grins. Gabrielle looks at her watch.) Gabrielle: "I wonder where David is. He should have been here by now." Carlos: "So this new lawyer is good?" Gabrielle: "He's quite the shark. You're gonna love him. He hasn't lost a case in six years. He argued in front of the State Supreme Court and he made our conjugal visit happen pretty damn fast." Carlos: "Well, hey, I'm a fan already." (The door opens and David comes in.) David: "Sorry I'm late." Gabrielle: "Oh, David." David: "Good to see you, Gabby. Carlos, I'm David." (David leans over to shake Carlos' hand. Carlos notices that David has his hand on Gabrielle's shoulder and she is smiling up at him.) Carlos: "I don't think so." (He gets up and walks away.) Gabrielle: "What the hell are you doing?" Carlos: "That guy's not gonna be my lawyer. Find a new one." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (Bree is sitting in the detective's office with her attorney.) Bree's Attorney: "You haven't filed a single charge. Either determine a homicide or release the body." Detective 2: "We've got a court order which says until we're done with it, the corpse is ours." Bree: "He is not a corpse. He is a man named Rex Van de Kamp. He was a loving husband, a devoted father, and a successful doctor. So successful, in fact, that he left me enough money to sue the city, this precinct, and you two gentlemen personally just for the fun of it."
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Detective 2: "Mrs. Van de Kamp, we don't respond well to threats so if I were you-" Detective Barton: "Release the body." Detective 2: "What?" Detective Barton: "The evidence we have is minimal, at best. Mrs. Van de Kamp was gracious enough to come down here and take that lie detector test. I think it's the least we can do for her." Bree: "Thank you. So, uh, what will happen now?" Detective 2: "Obviously, we will put Mr. Van de Kamp back just like we found him." Bree: "Yes, and I'm sure you will bury him with all the dignity of a dead hamster. No, I want Rex released to me and I will make all the arrangements." Detective 2: "Fine." Bree's Attorney: "And of course, you'll be paying all the costs." Detective Barton: "Of course." Bree: "Detective Barton, you are clearly a gentleman." (Bree looks down at the other detective and walks out of the room with her attorney.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Employees are watching a TV tuned to the news.) Female Reporter: "People have gathered at Attenborough High School where Melanie attended the past-" (Lynette is on the phone in the other room.) Lynette: "No, it's fine, I'll pick it up on my way home. So, what do you want?" (She begins to gather all of her stuff together, then walks out of her office.) Lynette: "Oh, Parker hates pepperoni. How about sausage? Yeah. And a small cheese. Okay, perfect. Love you." (Nina comes up to Lynette.) Nina: "Hey, you." Lynette: "Hey." Nina: "You want to hit O'Donnell's? I owe you a beer. Actually, I owe you so much more than that." Lynette: "You're welcome, but I really need to get home." Nina: "No, come on. I had such a good time last night." Lynette: "Um, why don't you ask Trudy? She loves going out." Nina: "Trudy? Are you kidding? I don't need the competition. Have you seen Trudy without her jacket. She's hot!" Lynette: "Oh, is she now?" Nina: "I didn't mean that you're not hot. It's just, you're married." Lynette: "Ah." Nina: "You know, you're off the market. I don't have to worry about fighting you for guys. Come on, Lynette, just one quick little drink. I was actually starting to think that you and I were becoming pals." Lynette: "Pals?Cause sometimes it's hard to tell. You know I wasn't feeling the love today when you mocked my campaign in front of the clients." Nina: "That was just putting on a show for work. In the future, always assume that I am winking, inside. Come on, I hate to go to a bar alone. I feel like such a loser. " Lynette: "Okay. One drink." Nina: "Yeah! One or two." Lynette: "No." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty Applewhite's House]
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(Betty is sorting through her mail on her front porch. She holds a package that was delivered to her house, and sees it is addressed to Zach Young. She goes to the Young home where mail is stacked in boxes on the front porch. She puts the package into one of the boxes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Edie is on crutches with a pink cast around one leg.) (The TV is on with the volume turned down.) Edie: "Thank you so much for bringing my mail over. You know, I, I have some of yours in the kitchen." Betty: "Well, that's the fourth time.What's up with this postman?" Edie: "Oh, I know. He used to be great. Then he had this stroke. Now we're lucky he doesn't drool on the coupons. But feel free to snoop around. Be right back." (Edie leaves the room. Betty goes over to the TV. She sees on the screen "Breaking News-Arrest in Foster Case." The reporter is standing in front of a police station. She turns the volume up quickly.) TV Reporter: "Possible. Now for those of you just joining us, families in Chicago breathed a sigh of relief today as an arrest was finally made in the brutal attack of local high school student, Melanie Foster." (On the screen, police are taking a young black man out of the police car into the police station.) TV Reporter: "Word of the suspect's capture comes as small comfort to the Foster family-" Edie: "Betty?" (Edie enters the room to see that Betty has left. The TV volume is still turned up.) TV Reporter: "The Fosters lost their seventeen-year-old daughter almost four months ago." Edie: "Betty?" TV Reporter: "The body was found in a local park less than a mile from Attenborough High." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty rushes into her house. As she enters, she hears the TV reporter on the TV.) Betty: "Did you see the news? They've arrested somebody." Matthew: "Yeah. Looks like we're in the clear." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree, Gabrielle, Susan, and Edie are playing cards in the dining room.) Bree: "Well, I have some good news. The police are finally releasing Rex's body." Gabrielle: "About time." Susan: "You must be so relieved." Bree: "You know, mostly I'm annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean how in the world can anyone accuse me of murder?" Edie: "Well, you are wound pretty tight. What? The super mom is always the first to snap. They've done studies." Bree: "Anyway, I was hoping that you were all free Friday morning because that's when I'll be hosting the re-burial." Gabrielle: "The what?" Bree: "Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip and Andrew is back at Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and, and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words and, um, I'm gonna read a poem." Gabrielle: "We would love to come." Susan: "Absolutely."
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(Bree gets up and goes into the kitchen. Susan looks at Edie.) Edie: "I'm busy. Sorry." Susan (whispering): "Edie!" Edie (whispering): "She's going to read a poem." (Susan kicks Edie under the table as Bree comes back into the room.) Edie: "Oww! Fine, yes, yes, we'd all love to come." Bree: "Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me. I've realized looking back that I was still in shock during Rex's first funeral. I don't think it had quite hit me yet what had happened so that's why this small ceremony means so much to me. Because I realize now that this is the last chance I'm gonna have to say goodbye." (Gabrielle takes Bree's hand.) Edie: "Unless, of course, they dig him up again." (The ladies all look at her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail] (Inmates and their significant others are gathered in a circle with a chaplain overseeing a therapy session with inmates and their wives, including Carlos and Gabrielle.) Bob: "Sure, there were times when Lisa was rude and obnoxious. But I know now that that was no excuse to always be beating on her. Oh, baby, I'm just so sorry." (Bob and Lisa hug. The chaplain applauds and the others join in. Carlos and Gabrielle do not applaud.) Chaplain: "Good job, you two. This is an example of how to use incarceration to your benefit. It's a chance for people to take a step back and observe the obstacles they face in their marriage." Mona: "Can I go now? 'Cause I have a lot to say about the obstacles I'm facing in my marriage." Lamar: "We don't got any obstacles." Mona: "Yes we do, Lamar, we got big ones." Chaplain: "Okay, hold on, you two. I think that it's Carlos and Gabrielle's turn." Carlos: "Thanks, but we're good." (Carlos puts his hand on Gabrielle's leg. Gabrielle pushes his hand away.) Chaplain: "This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything. Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?" Gabrielle: "Shaky at best." Chaplain: "And why is that?" Gabrielle: "I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole and he fired him. For no reason at all." Chaplain: "Carlos?" Carlos: "I just didn't like him." Gabrielle: "Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful." Carlos: "Exactly. I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing." Gabrielle: "Oh my god. You fired him because you're jealous?" Carlos: "Well, don't I have the right to? You know she cheated on me." (Bob gasps loudly.) Gabrielle: "Oh, Bob, you beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp." Lisa: "Don't you talk that way to him." Gabrielle: "One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will back hand you myself." Chaplain: "Okay, calm down." Carlos: "Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world and she's gotta get the one that looks like an
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underwear model." Gabrielle: "I'm not discussing this anymore. You can rot in here for all I care." (Everyone is quiet.) Chaplain: "So, uh, Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your marriage?" Gabrielle: "By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?" Carlos: "Do you know?" Gabrielle: "No!" Lamar: "I bet he's hot!" (Everyone stares at Lamar.) Mona: "Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan and Julie are reading in the living room when Mike walks in.) Mike: "Why are you reading that contract?" Susan: "I told you. Lonnie wants me to sign with his new agency." Mike: "But you didn't say you were seriously thinking about going with him?" Susan: "I know. I know. It's just, Lonnie's family. You know he's always been there for me. He paid my rent when I was waiting for my first royalty check. He called me everyday when Karl left. I mean, I just owe him so much." Mike: "Susan, he committed a felony." Susan: "Okay, who in this room has not committed a felony, raise your hand. Ah, ah, ah. Not so fast." Mike: "Your agent represents you. You gotta be able to trust him. How is that gonna be possible now?" Susan: "Well, it's possible because I have faith in people. I mean, Lonnie knows he messed up and he's sorry. He's making restitution. What, you don't believe people deserve second chances?" Mike: "Not when they messed up this much. No." Susan: "Really? So that's it with you. You just get one shot and you screw up and you're out. I didn't know you were such a cynic." Mike: "I'm sorry, all right? I guess it's just the way I'm wired. I've got a job over in Greenwood, so, I'll call you later tonight." (Mike kisses Susan and leaves.) Julie: "You okay?" Susan: "Julie, I did something bad. Something really, really bad. Aren't you gonna ask me what it was?" Julie: "Do I ever have to?" Susan: "Last week, when Mike and I went to the park searching for Zach, I sort of found him." Julie: "No!" Susan: "Yes, and I gave him money and I sent him away and I didn't tell Mike." Julie: "Holy crap! What are you gonna do?" Susan: "I don't know. What would you do if this happened to you?" Julie: "See, this would never happen to me. This kinda thing only happens to you." Susan: "Will you stop judging and help me?" Julie: "Well, obviously you're gonna have to tell him." Susan: "Well, I can't do that. You heard what he said about his wiring. I betrayed him. He'll never forgive me." Julie: "Okay. Don't tell him." Susan: "Well, how can I not? I feel so guilty, I can barely look him in the eye when he talks about Zach." Julie: "So, where do you think Zach went?" Susan: "Utah. Oh lord. Why did I do this?"
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Julie: "I have a feeling you did it for me." (Susan nods.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (A postman places a package in an white box marked US Mail on Paul Young's porch. The piled-up mail from before is no longer there.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency - Nighttime] (Lynette is gathering her things. Nina walks in.) Nina: "Hey, girl." Lynette: "Hi." Nina: "I hope you are in the mood for margaritas cause it is Salsa Night at O'Donnell's." Lynette: "Oh, fun, but I can't go tonight because I promised the twins that I would help them finish their science project." Nina: "Lynette. If the late hours are going to be an issue for you, we should probably talk about finding you a less demanding account." Lynette: "You're gonna take me off Kamarov because I won't go drinking with you?" Nina: "No. Oh, god, no. Honey, I get it. You have a family. Home has to come first for you." Lynette: "Thank you." Nina: "I mean, for me, the client comes first. Me being a perfectionist is my own neurotic issue and I know that I really need to work on that. But trust me. I will never sleep again if this campaign gets mucked up. I'll figure something out. You go home. Have a good night." Lynette: "Nina." Nina: "Yeah?" Lynette: "I can handle the extra hours." Nina: "Oh, Lynette. You sure?" Lynette: "Yeah." Nina: "I'll get my coat." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[O'Donnell's Bar] Nina: "Wow, this place is rowdy after happy hour, huh?" Lynette: "Yeah." Nina: "Hey. Look at that guy. Right there. The end of the bar. The shoulders with the tan jacket." Lynette: "Yeah?" Nina: "Go get him for me." (Nina pushes Lynette toward the guy.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Nighttime] (Betty is sitting at the kitchen table, wearing cleaning gloves and writing a letter. A timer dings. Betty removes the gloves.) (She walks down the dark stairs to the basement, carrying a tray with food. She opens the door. Caleb is sitting quietly on the cot.) Betty: "Hey there." (She places the tray in front of Caleb. He begins eating.) Betty: "So, they're going on about Melanie Foster on the news. It's time we talked about her, Caleb. Until you start accepting responsibility for what happened, you know I can't let you out of here."
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(In the kitchen, Matthew walks in and sees the letter Betty had been writing.) Matthew (yelling): "What the hell is this? Mom! Where are you?" Betty: "I'll be right back. And I will expect you to answer me." Matthew: "Where are you?!" (Betty closes the door to the basement. She pushes the lock, but it doesn't catch. She doesn't notice.) Betty: "I'm coming! I'm coming!" (In the kitchen, Betty meets up with Matthew.) Matthew: "What were you gonna do with this?" Betty: "Don't." Matthew (reading the letter): "'I know who really killed Melanie Foster. You've arrested the wrong man.' What are you thinking?" Betty: "The police need to know the truth." Matthew: "The hell they do! This is our chance!" (In the basement, the door is pushed from inside. The lock uncatches. The door opens.) (In the kitchen, Betty and Matthew are still talking.) Betty: "I can't let an innocent man go to jail." Matthew: "You want to do the right thing? Well, then call nine-one-one and tell them you got a killer locked up in the basement." Betty: "He is not a killer. He was confused. He didn't know what he was doing." Matthew: "He knows a lot more than you give him credit for." Betty: "I'm mailing the letter." (In the basement, Caleb comes out of the room and listens from the stairs.) Matthew: "Do you realize what's gonna happen? Mom, are, are you thinking it through?" Betty: "I'm mailing the letter." Matthew: "If you do, you better hope to God they don't find us. 'Cause they're not gonna care how slow Caleb is. They'll just execute him." (On the stairs, Caleb overhears them and slowly backs down the stairs, going back into the room, closing the door behind him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lonnie's House - Daytime] (Susan walks in the unlocked front door.) Susan: "Lonnie, are you here? It's Susan. Lonnie?" Lonnie: "Susan? What are you doing here?" Susan: "Well, I just came over to give you the contract. Your door was open." Lonnie: "Oh. Great." (The living room is filled with boxes and few pieces of furniture. Clothes are hung on the wall. Everything is in disarray.) Lonnie: "Sorry the place is such a mess. I've been working here till we get the new offices painted. Wait till you see them, they're gonna be really beautiful." (Susan looks into the kitchen, which is also a mess, with groceries all over the place.) Susan: "Where's Jeannie?" Lonnie: "She's with the kids up in Minnesota visiting her mom. They love it up there. Keep changing the date on dear old dad." (Susan flips a light switch, but nothing happens.) Susan: "There's no electricity."
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Lonnie: "There isn't? Oh, I'm such a dummy. I've been, I've been so swamped I must have forgotten to pay the electric bill." Susan: "Lonnie, how much financial trouble are you really in?" Lonnie: "I'm fine." (Lonnie sees the signed contract in Susan's hand.) Lonnie: "You know what it is? I had to pay all those people back at the same time. Restitution plus interest. It's not something I recommend. It sucks you dry." (Lonnie slowly tries to take the contract out of Susan's hand. Susan pulls it away.) Susan: "I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth. Did you steal from me?" Lonnie: "Absolutely not!" Susan: "Please don't lie. Just tell me." Lonnie: "Is that what you want to hear? Do I have to say it so that we can move on?" (Susan nods.) Lonnie: "Fine. I did it. But yours was the first money I paid back so the slate's been wiped clean. Let's just move past it, Susie." Susan: "I'm sorry. I just can't trust you anymore." Lonnie: "Yes, you can!" Susan: "No, I can't." Lonnie: "You can." Susan: "Can't." Lonnie: "Give me the contract!" Susan: "No!" Lonnie: "Okay, okay. Fine." (Lonnie grabs the contract out of Susan's hand and runs. Susan grabs him.) Susan: "What are you doing? Are you trying to take me down with you?" Lonnie: "I am not going down!" (The both fall on the floor and begin wrestling for the contract.) Lonnie: "My life is great. I have never been happier and I've never been fitter! Get off me, you Amazon!" (Susan grabs the contract out of Lonnie's hand and falls back, breathing heavily.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Porch - Daytime] (Gabrielle is doing her yoga. David walks up.) Gabrielle: "What are you doing here?" David: "You left me a message. You said that you wanted to talk to me." Gabrielle: "Yeah. I thought you'd schedule an appointment later. Right now, I'm, I'm sort of disgusting and sweaty." David: "I'm a criminal lawyer. I've seen worse." (He walks into her house. Gabrielle follows and closes the door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Interior] David: "So did you find a new lawyer for Mr. Charming?" Gabrielle: "I don't want a new lawyer. I want you. So does Carlos, he just doesn't realize it yet." (He picks up a bottle of wine from the wine rack.) David: "Nineteen eighty-eight Romane Conte Latosh. I'm impressed." Gabrielle: "Look, to be honest, Carlos is a little threatened by you. He thinks if we spend too much time together that something might happen."
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David: "Somebody's got an active imagination. Corkscrew?" (She takes the wine from him.) Gabrielle: "David, we're not here to drink wine, okay? This is business. Now you have to convince Carlos that he can trust you." David: "How am I gonna do that?" Gabrielle: "I don't know. Tell him you're happily married or gay!" (He takes another bottle out of the rack.) David: "Yeah, right." Gabrielle: "You're a lawyer. You lie to juries all the time. Can't you just make something up?" David: "I'm past the point in my career where I have to beg for work. I'm sorry." (She takes the wine from him again.) Gabrielle: "Okay, skip it. I'm holding my marriage together by my fingernails. If Carlos serves his full sentence, I don't think we're gonna make it. So please, I need you." David: "I'll say this much for Carlos. He's got excellent taste-in wine. Momshashay. It's good stuff." Gabrielle: "Are you gonna help me or not?" David: "We'll go see Carlos tomorrow. I'll turn him around for you." Gabrielle: "Really. What are you gonna say?" David: "I'll play it by ear. I don't want to sound to over rehearsed." (David picks up a bottle of wine and walks out.) Gabrielle: "Hey, that's my wine!" David: "Deduct it from my bill." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lonnie's House - Daytime] (Susan and Lonnie are sitting on the floor.) Lonnie: "It all started with bad real estate investments." Susan: "You should have just come clean." Lonnie: "Yeah, well, you tell one lie, the second one comes easy. Then you're making up new lies to cover up the old ones. Pretty soon you can't turn back, you know?" Susan: "I do." Lonnie: "When Jeannie finally caught on, she took the kids, she took the furniture. The bank locked me out of my own house." Susan: "Wow." Lonnie: "That's why I can't lose you as a client." Susan: "Well, I'm sorry, but you have." Lonnie: "I don't blame you." Susan: "You'll never lose my friendship, though. I mean that." Lonnie: "Really?" Susan: "Of course. You're my Lonnie." (She pats his face.) Lonnie: "You're my Susie.You're my Susie." (Lonnie leans over and tries to kiss Susan. Susan pulls back, shocked.) Susan: "Oh! What the hell are - is wrong with you?!" Lonnie: "I'm your Lonnie. That's what you said." Susan: "Not like that!" Lonnie: "But I thought, I mean there's always been this magnetism-" Susan: "No! There has not been and there never will be."
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(She grabs her purse and runs out of the house.) Susan: "Oh, my god!" Lonnie: "But I was just coming clean!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Chicago Police Department Parking Lot - Daytime] (Detective Morgan comes out. A female detective comes running after him.) Female Detective: "Hey, Morgan. Got a letter from some guy claiming he attacked Melanie Foster." Morgan: "You ran me down for that? I got dozens of kooks coming out of the woodwork all saying we arrested the wrong guy." Female Detective: "This one knows about the axe." (She hands Morgan the letter. They go back into the station.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview City Morgue] (Bree is sitting in a waiting room.An orderly enters, pushing a gurney with a covered body on it.) Orderly: "Here you go, Mrs. Van de Kamp." Bree: "Thank you. Ah, the hearse is right outside, so if you'll just follow me." Orderly: "Oh shoot, there's a form I need you to sign. I think I left it back in the office." Bree: "That's all right. I'll wait." Orderly: "Okay." (He leaves. Bree slowly approaches the gurney.) Bree: "I'm here, sweetheart, and I'm gonna take care of everything. But you knew that, didn't you? You've always known that you can count on me." (Detective Barton walks in.) Barton: "Mrs. Van de Kamp." Bree: "Detective Barton. What are you doing here?" Barton: "Oh, just taking care of some business. Is this-" Bree: "Yes. This is Rex. I, I want to thank you again for what you did. It was so refreshing to be treated with kindness after weeks of just ludicrous accusations." Barton: "The doctor doesn't think they're ludicrous." Bree: "Well, I know, but Rex died in his care. Of course he'd like to blame someone else." Barton: "But the tests he did, uh?" Bree: "Oh, please don't talk to me about tests. Rex was not poisoned and no one I know believes that he was." Barton: "Rex did." Bree: "What?" Barton: "Well, the doctor told Rex he was being poisoned and Rex believed him." Bree: "How would you know that?" Barton: "Oh." (Detective pulls a letter wrapped in plastic out of his pocket. He hands it to Bree. Bree reads it. The letter reads, "Bree, I understand and I forgive you.") Bree: "Where did you get this?" Barton: "We found that in Rex's bed after he died. That is his handwriting, isn't it?" (Bree sits down.) Barton: "You know what I think? Rex felt guilty for the way he treated you. The adultery; the public humiliations. That's why he forgave you. He understood why you did it." Bree: "How can he have believed this?"
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Barton: "Look, my wife cheated on me, too. I know how much it hurts. And so will a judge. Everyone understands crimes of passion. But every day that you stonewall makes you look more and more like a cold, calculating killer. We both know that's not you. But I can't help you unless you start telling the truth." (The detective takes back the letter. Bree physically composes herself.) Bree: "I'm sorry, but I, I have to go. I have some things that I need to take care of." (Bree walks to the gurney and tries to push it. It's stuck.) Barton: "Bree! It is obvious your husband loved you very much. Don't you think you owe it to him to admit the truth?" Bree: "Detective, I know exactly what my husband deserves. Now would you be a dear?" (The Detective unlocks the gurney.) Bree: "Thank you." (Bree pushes the gurney out the doors.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail Visiting Room] (Gabrielle and David are sitting in the visiting room. Carlos is brought in.) Carlos: "What's he doing here?" David: "I have a pitch for you. I want to explain to you why it's in your best interest to allow me to represent you." Gabrielle: "Oh for Pete's sake, Carlos. At least listen to the man." Carlos: "I guess it beats sitting in my cell." David: "Now, I don't think you have a problem with me as a lawyer. Clearly, I'm the real deal. I sense your problem with me is more personal." Carlos: "You sense right." David: "You want to know if I'm interested in sleeping with your wife. Well, the answer is yes." (Gabrielle laughs loud and nervously.) Gabrielle: "Carlos, he's kidding. Tell him you're kidding." Carlos: "Shut it." David: "And clearly Gabrielle is willful, self-centered, and manipulative. She's also beautiful enough to be worth the trouble. So, the minute we leave this room I'm gonna aggressively pursue her. And when I succeed, which I will, we are gonna fly to my chateau in Chamany and have dinner in a local bistro. They make the best racolin in all of Europe. We'll make love by the fire and afterwards a little midnight skiing." (to Gabrielle) "You ski, don't you? You're athletic, you'll learn." (to Carlos) "Anyway. All of this only happens if you fire me. If you keep me on, you're wife's off limits. I'd get disbarred for sleeping with a client's wife and nobody's worth that, not even her. That's my pitch. I'll let you think about it." (David get up and walks out.) Gabrielle: "Honey. I am so sorry. Honestly, that guy's insane!" Carlos: "Oh, you just can't wait, can you?" Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos: "He's my lawyer." Gabrielle: "But, Carlos-" Carlos: "And that's all there is to it." (Carlos walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[O'Donnell's Bar -Nighttime] (The bar is filled with people and loud music is playing. Lynette and Nina are sitting at a table. A guy is talking
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to Nina.) Guy: "How about a dance." Nina: "How 'bout it? Yes." Lynette: "Well, you guys have fun. This is the fifth night in a row I haven't been home to tuck in my kids, so I'm gonna go." Nina: "No! You're gonna stay put. It is Friday night and you have all weekend to play with your kids. Watch my purse." (Nina goes off with the guy to dance. Another man sits down by Lynette.) Chuck: "Hey, I'm Chuck." Lynette: "Chuck, I'm gonna stop you right there." (She holds up her hand, showing him the wedding ring on it.) Lynette: "Happily married." Chuck (reaching in his pocket): "Well, looks like we've got something in common." (He shows her his own wedding ring.) Lynette: "Chuck, get your hand off my thigh. No! Not up my thigh. Off my thigh! Come on, what's the matter with you! I'm not available. And I'm not that easy!" Chuck: "Well, what are you doing in a pick-up bar at ten-thirty at night?" Lynette: "Well, I don't usually do this." Chuck: "Oh, come on. Honey. Who are you kidding? I've seen you here every night this week. You're a regular!" (Chuck shakes his head and leaves.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"At that moment, it occurred to Lynette that Chuck, though inebriated, had a valid point. The time had come to declare a war of independence. And the surest path to victory would require an aggressive campaign of shock and awe."
(Lynette, in the bathroom, lets down her hair, puts lipstick on, unbuttons her shirts, and takes off her vest. She reenters the bar wearing just her vest with no blouse. She struts into the room and tosses her purse to the bartender, then begins dancing in a very sexy manner. She struts up to where Nina is dancing and pushes her aside, taking her dance partner.) (Later, at the bar, Lynette downs shots with a bunch of guys. The guys lift her onto the bar where Lynette dances like a stripper. The guys are cheering and whistling. Nina is watching from their booth.) (Lynette comes back to the table and sits down next to Nina.) Lynette: "It's crazy here tonight. Don't you want to dance?" Nina: "No, thanks. I think I'll sit this one out." Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette savored her victory, confident that she would never again have to engage her opponent on this particular battlefield." Lynette: "Woo! I love this song. Here, hold my purse." (She pushes her purse at Nina and goes back to the dance floor.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Cemetery - Daytime] (Lynette, Gabrielle, Susan, and Edie are standing at Rex's empty grave. Bree walks up.) Susan: "Bree! Where have you been? We were starting to get worried." Bree: "I'm sorry. I was just attending to some last minute details. Right this way." (Bree leads them away from Rex's grave site.) Gabrielle: "Where are we going?"
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Bree: "To Rex's grave site." Edie: "Well, I thought this was his grave site." Bree: "I'm changing it." Susan: "Why?" Bree: "Well, he did something to upset me and I want him gone!" Susan: "What did he do?" Bree: "You know, it's so unpleasant I'd rather not get into it. Have you seen these gravestones? Some are from the eighteen hundreds. Just fascinating." Lynette: "Bree, wait, you're gonna have to explain. Rex is dead. What could he have done to upset you?" (Bree stops and turns to face the women.) Bree: "My husband, the man I spent my life with for eighteen years, died thinking that I murdered him!" Susan: "What?" Bree: "Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex and Rex believed him!" Gabrielle: "Are you sure?" Bree: "Yes, because he left a note. And it said, and I quote, "Bree, I understand and I forgive you." I spent eighteen years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?" Edie: "Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else." Bree: "I have done nothing to be forgiven for! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals, I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me! Well, the joke's on him because I do not understand and I do not forgive!" (Two maintenance workers nearby stop their work to listen to Bree yell. Susan looks over at them.) Susan: "Hi. We're just going to a funeral." (The workers go back to work.) Bree: "Right this way." (She continues walking and the ladies follow her. They walk over another section of the cemetery. A crane is lowering a coffin into a hole.) Gabrielle: "Honey, I know you're hurt but are you sure you're not gonna change your mind? I mean, there's no turning back after this." Bree: "If you think I'm gonna lay next to someone for eternity who thinks I'm a murderer, you're crazy. As far as I'm concerned, let him decompose with strangers." (Bree takes off her wedding ring and throws it into the grave on top of the coffin. The ladies look shocked and Bree storms away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Everyone in the world needs someone they can depend on." (Bree is walking and the ladies are right behind her. Lynette puts her hand on Bree's shoulder.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Be they faithful friends-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail] (Carlos is sitting with David as the attorney speaks.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...determined advocates-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom is standing on the porch, holding Penny, when Lynette approaches and reaches for her daughter.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or a loving family." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lonnie's House]
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(Lonnie is sitting alone, eating pizza.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But occasionally in life, the people we thought would always be there for us-leave." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's House] (Pictures of Mary Alice and Zach are on the table with a large stack of unopened mail.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And if that happens(Paul picks up a knife and begins opening the mail.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"-it's amazing the lengths we'll go to, to get them back." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X06 - I Wish I Could Forget You -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives: Bree:My husband died thinking that I murdered him. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree put the past behind her. David: If you keep me on as your lawyer, your wife's off limlits. Mary Alice Voiceover:While Carlos gambled with his future. Susan:How much money do you think you need to get to Utah? Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan interfered with the family reunion -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:"George Williams had never been lucky in love." (Flashback: George gets out of his car carrying flowers and walks up to a front door. He opens his mouth and sprays a breath freshener in it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It seems that the women he dated always invented reasons not to consummate their relationship." Young Woman: "Um, I'm afraid we'd wake my roommate." (She slams the door on George.) Career Woman: "Uh, I have to get up really early for work." (She slams the door on George.) Slutty Woman: "I'm, uh, saving myself for marriage." (She slams the door on George.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly for George, it was one unoriginal excuse after another." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Present Day: George knocks on Bree's door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But since he'd started seeing Bree Van de Kamp, George couldn't help but feel..." Bree: "Hi. The kids are gone. We have the house all to ourselves tonight." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...his luck was about to change." (After dinner, Bree and George enter Bree's living room and sit on the sofa.) Bree: "I thought the duck turned out well. Although the sauce was a little bit thick, but judging by how many helpings you had, I think I got away with it. What are you thinking about?" George: "Your hair. Would you mind if I...?"
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Bree: "Uh, no, go ahead." (George reaches for the clip holding Bree's bun and her hair falls to her shoulders.) Bree: "That better?" (George moves closer on the couch and kisses Bree.) Bree: "That was nice." (George falls onto Bree, pushing her down onto the couch, kissing her.) (Bree pushes George back slightly.) George: "It's okay that I'm doing this right?" Bree: "Well, I thought we were going to let the duck digest a bit more, but what the heck." (She pulls George back to her.) Bree: "Oh!" (She grabs her neck.) George: "What's wrong?" Bree: "I don't know. I felt something weird." George: "Oh, that was my tongue. It extends farther than most. I should have warned you." Bree: "No, no, no, it wasn't your kiss. I felt something weird on my neck." (George pushes her down again and starts kissing her. Bree continues to scratch at her neck.) George: "What, what are you doing?" Bree: "I don't know. I'm just really starting to itch." George: "Oh." (They sit up and Bree begins to scratch all over. George stares at her neck.) Bree: "What is it?" George: "You, you've got a huge rash." (Bree jumps up and runs to a mirror. She sees the rash on her check which is now spreading to her face. She continues to scratch.) Bree: "Oh, ah, ah, it's starting to spread to my face." George: "Are you allergic to something you ate?" Bree: "Oh, I don't think so. I've made duck, l ate a thousand times." George: "Something is causing that rash." (Bree stares at George. She opens the front door and begins pushing him out.) George: "Bree, Bree, please don't." Bree: "I'm sorry, George, but you have to go." George: "But the kids are away. I was sort of hoping we could make love tonight." Bree: "How are we going to do that, George? You have just given me hives." (Bree slams the door in George's face.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Though painful to hear, George had to admit at least this excuse was original." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's a fact that little girls dream of big, white wedding. Of course, the exact same thing can be said for big girls." (Susan is pinning a wedding dress on her mother, Sophie Bremmer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some of whom can get incredibly anxious waiting for the boys in their lives to make those dreams come true." (Mike is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. Susan sneaks a peek at Mike to see if he is watching her
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and accidentally pokes her mom with a pin.) Sophie: "Ouch. Oh. Watch it, Susie." Susan: "Mom, why don't you just go see a dressmaker?" Sophie: "Wait, I have the perfect idea. You get in the dress and I'll pin it." (to Mike) "We wear the same size." Susan: "Since when?" Sophie: "Since forever." (to Mike) "You have to leave though. You can't stay. You can't see Susie in a wedding dress. Not until your big day." Susan: "Mom!" Mike: "No, it's not a problem. I can see her in it." (Susan and her mom look at Mike in shock.) Sophie: "You can?" Susan: "You can?" Mike: "I assume you want to pick out your own wedding dress when we get married, right?" Sophie: "Oh, that sounds like a proposal." Mike: "Did it?" Susan: "Yeah, it did." Mike: "Huh, what do you know?" Sophie: "Are you planning to pop the question?" Mike: "Well, if she knows it's coming, the question won't really 'pop' now, will it?" Susan: "He's right, mom. Oh, I want it to be just like you do. You know on your own terms and you get down on one knee and the whole production." Mike: "That's the plan." Susan: "Well. Then I can wait. I can wait. I'm a good waiter." Mike: "Good." Susan: "I was just wondering if, if there's a ball park of how long I will have to wait. A week, a month, after lunch?" Mike: "Again, you're not waiting for the 'pop'." Susan: "Right, right, I'm sorry." (Mike leaves the room.) Sophie: "Yay!" Susan: "Mom." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Goldfine's Office] Dr. Goldfine: "So, the hives occurred right after you kissed George." Bree: "Yes, it was the strangest thing. And so inconvenient. To be honest, I think we were about the make love for the first time." Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, have you considered the idea that your subconscious mind was trying to sabotage your evening with George?" Bree: "Actually, I have not considered that because that's idiotic!" Dr. Goldfine: "You don't think being with George made you feel a bit guilty?" Bree: "Why should I feel guilty?" Dr. Goldfine: "Perhaps you felt you were about to commit adultery." Bree: "Dr. Goldfine, Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse." (Dr. Goldfine looks at Bree's hands as she rubs the area where her wedding ring would be.) Dr. Goldfine: "But, maybe that's not how you really feel deep down."
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Bree: "Oh so you uh, think I'm crazy?" Dr. Goldfine: "You say you got a case of hives for no reason. I think there is a reason and it's probably a psychosomatic one." Bree: "You can think whatever you want, but to be honest, I don't believe in the subconscious." Dr. Goldfine: "Everytime you've said Rex in this session, you've stroked the place where you wedding ring used to be. Why did you do that?" (Bree looks down at her hands, where she is stroking her ring finger. She stops abruptly.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency - Daytime] (In the conference room, a staff meeting is going on.) Nina: "Let's talk about Monday. We are re-pitching to the Kamarov people. Lynette, you'll be on point." Lynette: "Great, great, no problem." Nina: "And, can you do me a favor and maybe not wear the green suit?" Lynette: "Um, I wasn't planning to, uh, but why?" Nina: "The fabric. It just has this quality to it like you could, I don't know, wipe it clean with a damp cloth." (The other staff member laugh quietly.) Lynette: "I'll just wear a different suit then." Nina: "Great. Like what, you think?" Lynette: "Another suit. I have other suits." Nina: "And if by other suits, you mean the grey one, then, of course you do." Lynette: "No, actually, I have quite a few others. Uh, the blue one, and uh..." (The other staff members snicker.) Lynette: "What's wrong with the blue suit?" (Stu walks in and places a cup of coffee in front of Nina.) Nina: "Stu. Would you like to tell Lynette what's wrong with the blue suit?" Stu: "No. That's cool." Nina: "Stu! Come on. Do the thing, the thing that you did at lunch." (Nina pretends to rub stuff onto her suit.) Nina: "Look at me. I'm Lynette. I've got food stains everywhere." Lynette: "All right, so if I get my blue suit dry cleaned, will that be acceptable to everyone?" Stu: "The pants also have a split seam in the back." (Nina smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Courthouse] (Gabrielle walks up to David, wearing a slinky gold outfit.) Gabrielle: "Excuse me. Hello, David." David: "What the hell is this? I thought I told you to dress maternal." Gabrielle: "Yes, you did, and I considered it for about a second." David: "What happened?" Gabrielle: "David, I know you're the lawyer and all, but trust me, it's never a smart strategy to cover this up." David: "We've got forty minutes before the pre-trial hearing. Let's go home and get you changed." Gabrielle: "What?" David: "You want to get your husband out of jail? You gotta dress like a pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue." (A man walks up to them.) Louis: "David."
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David: "Louis. What are you doing here?" Louis: "I need a favor, David." David: "If this has to do with lifting my client's restraining order, the answer's the same one you got last week." Louis: "You don't understand. I love Crystal." David: "Yeah, we all love the pretty ladies at the Stop n' Shop, but now you gotta love her from fifty yards away." Louis: "You turned her against me. If it wasn't for you, we'd be together." David: "Louis, Crystal hired me to keep you away from her. She doesn't want to see you." Louis: "Oh, yeah, then, then why did she ask for my phone number?" David: "She's a cashier. You paid by check. It doesn't make you special." (David holds Gabrielle by the arm and walks away from Louis.) Louis: "Don't walk away from me. We're having a conversation!" David: "Louis, this is your problem. You're creepy! Nobody likes you. What you call a conversation the rest of us call harassment. You want a friend? Get a hamster!" Louis: "David!" (Louis pulls out a gun. He points it toward David and Gabrielle. David pushes Gabrielle around behind him and down to the floor. David holds his briefcase in front of him as Louis closes his eyes and begins firing at him.) Bystander #1: "Call the police!" Bystander #2: "Stay there!" (Louis runs out of bullets. David looks at himself and sees that he has not been hit.) (Louis throws the empty gun at David who catches it. Louis runs away.) David: "That's right, you better run. I'm gonna get some bullets for this thing and come after you!" Security Guard (pointing his gun at David): "Freeze!" David: "Hey, everything's cool." (The guard shoots David. Gabrielle screams. David drops slowly to his knees. Gabrielle approaches.) Gabrielle: "Are you okay?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Paul Young is mowing his front lawn.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Weeds are a common annoyance of life in suburbia and no matter how hard we try to get rid of them, they always tend to crop back up." (Gabrielle is on her porch watching Paul. She is on the phone.) Gabrielle: "Are you seeing this?" Bree: "I don't believe him. He is so brazen." Gabrielle: "He's just mowing the lawn like nothing ever happened. What should we do? Should we call the police?" Bree: "Well, Susan did say that he murdered Mrs. Huber, so my vote would be yes." Gabrielle: "Oh, my god, Susan's home." (They watch as Susan's car pulls into her driveway. She gets out and takes bags of groceries out of her van.) Gabrielle: "Has she seen Paul yet?" (Susan looks across the street and sees Paul mowing his lawn. She drops all the bags.) Bree: "I think so." (A can rolls into the street. Paul picks it up.) Paul: "Hello, Susan." Susan: "Oh, my god. Paul."
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Paul: "Need some help with those bags?" Susan: "Why...are you doing here?" Paul: "This is where I live. I came home to find my son. Here you go." (He holds out the can he picked up.) Susan: "No, don't come near me." Paul: "I'm just giving you back your pie filling." Susan: "I don't want my pie filling." Paul: "Oh, come on. Just take it." Susan: "No, stop! Put that pie filling down. Slowly. I'm calling nine-one-one." Paul: "You don't want to do that." Susan: "Oh, I think I do. You're a cold-blooded murderer." Paul: "Susan, how can you believe that? We've been neighbors for years." (Bree and Gabrielle approach and get in front of Susan.) Paul: "Ladies, good to see you." Bree: "Paul, we've called the police." Paul: "You didn't really need to do that." Gabrielle: "We know what you did to Mrs. Huber." Paul: "Wonderful. I see you've all turned into Susan while I've been gone." (A police car pulls up.) Susan: "Oh, thank god, they're here." (A crowd of neighbors gather to see what's happening.) Mrs. Greenberg: "Hey, hey, what's going on?" Edie: "Oh, Mayer's convinced that Paul Young murdered Martha Huber." Mrs. Greenberg: "Oh, my god! I live right behind him." Mrs. Fromme: "I know. I gave him my house keys to feed my cat." Edie: "I win. I made out with him." (Police Officer gives Paul back his license and approaches Susan.) Police Officer: "Here you go. There's no warrant here for a Paul Young." Gabrielle: "Why don't you ask Mike? He overheard everything, right?" Police Officer: "Who's Mike?" Susan: "Uh, he's my boyfriend, and, and he told me that Paul confessed everything to him. Oh, and Mike has Martha's journals, which clearly prove that Paul had a motive." Police Officer: "All right, all right, where do I find this Mike guy?" Susan: "Uh, he's, follow me." Paul: "You mind if I stay here? I've got a lot of raking to do." Police Officer: "Let's go." (Susan and the officer walk to Mike's house. The crowd follows. Mike opens the front door.) Mike: "Hey. What's going on?" Susan: "Mike, Paul Young is back. Look." (She points across the street where Paul is raking his leaves.) Police Officer: "Your girlfriend said Mr. Young confessed a murder to you?" Mike: "Um, no. No, not to me." Police Officer: "And I don't suppose you have a journal that belonged to a Martha Huber?" Mike: "No. I hardly knew her. Besides, you've ever known a woman who'd loan out her diary?" Susan: "Mike, what are you doing?" Mike: "I'm sorry, Susan. I don't know what you're talking about. But I've got a job to get to. Is there anything
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else?" Police Officer: "No, no, that pretty much covers it." (Mike walks past the gathered crowd.) Edie: "Well, someone might as well say it. Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette walks into the bedroom wearing a beautiful expensive-looking white suit.) Lynette: "Okay." Tom: "Wow! Nice." (Tom looks at the price tag on the suit.) Tom: "Oh, my god!" Lynette: "Okay, don't be distracted by that. Look at me. Here I am tomorrow, making my presentation." (Lynette poses and spins.) Lynette: "You see? You see how it, how it moves with me? That's where the magic is." Tom: "Nine hundred dollars?" Lynette: "Yeah, well, this one was the most expensive. The other ones aren't as nice. But look. Look, look, look, look at me, look at me. Watch. I don't walk in it. I glide." Tom: "Um, honey, you know what? There's gotta be like three thousand dollars worth of clothes here." Lynette: "Yeah, well, I haven't bought a new suit in six years." Tom: "So? When I was working, you don't think I would have loved to have a designer suit? I wore wash-and-wear so that we could live in a nice neighborhood, so we could take the kids on vacation every summer. I mean, I made sacrifices." Lynette: "I'm willing to make sacrifices." Tom: "Great, well, let's start here, because" (holds up a suit) "this should cover a math tutor for Parker." Lynette: "Whoa, hold on a sec." (Tom holds up another suit.) Tom: "Six months of pre-school for Penny." Lynette: "All right, now you're being ridiculous." Tom: "You know what? And the twins, they're gonna need braces. That oughta make a dent." (He points to the white suit Lynette is wearing.) Lynette: "Oh, no. Come on, Tom. Not this one." Tom: "Strip." Lynette: "You saw the walk, right? You wanna see the walk again? I'll tutor Parker myself." Tom: "Honey, that'd be great. You also gonna take up home dentistry?" Lynette: "Fine. I'll take them back. Could you step out for a minute, please? I want to be alone with it for a little while." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree is lying in bed, reading and rubbing her ring finger. She stops herself and picks up the phone.) Bree: "Hi, it's Bree." George: "Hi. I was thinking about calling you. I just got some new antihistamines in at the store. I think they're really gonna help with your rash." Bree: "Well, great. Um, how would you feel about the two of us checking into a romantic hotel tomorrow?" George: "What? Uh, I, I'd like that very much." Bree: "I will let you make all the arrangements. Something out of town would be nice. Good night."
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(They hang up.) George: "Yes!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Mike pulls into his driveway. Susan suddenly appears at the driver's window.) Susan: "We need to talk." Mike: "Where did you come from?" Susan: "I'm sorry. I've been waiting for you. I'm just a little upset because everybody thinks I'm crazy." Mike: "Can I at least get out of the truck first?" Susan: "Yes, definitely. I mean, I can understand why you wouldn't want the cops to know that you kidnapped Paul. I mean, that definitely looks bad." Mike: "Since I was on probation." Susan: "Well, right. I mean, there's that." Mike: "And in possession of a gun." Susan: "Well, okay..." Mike: "Which I held to his head. So I violated my probation, committed a felony, and coerced a confession. If the cops found out about that, I'd be looking at ten to fifteen years." Susan: "But why don't you want 'em to know about Martha Huber's journal? I mean, she says right in there that she was blackmailing Paul's wife." Mike: "She also says right in there that she was blackmailing you for burning down Edie's house." Susan: "Oh. I forgot about that. I just can't believe it. I mean, there he is, a murderer, just living right on our street, and there's nothing we can do about it because you're a convicted felon and I burned down that stupid house. It's unfair." Mike: "I want Paul Young gone as badly as you do, and he will be, but I also want to find Zach. I think once Zach finds out Paul's here, I got a feeling he'll be back." Susan: "Well, that's comforting to know there's a silver lining." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (David is lying in a hospital bed with his arm in a sling. Gabrielle knocks on the doorframe and walks in.) David: "Hi. What are you doing here?" Gabrielle: "Well, you protected me from a hail of gun fire, so I thought I'd stop by and give you a card." David: "You're my first visitor." Gabrielle: "What do you mean, I'm your first visitor? You've been here two days." David: "My office sent me flowers." Gabrielle: "Oh." (She pulls the card from the vase of flowers and reads it out loud.) Gabrielle: "'Dear David, who knew you could actually bleed? Sincerely, your stunned co-workers.'" David: "Yeah, well, I'm a lawyer who got shot. Everybody's cracking wise." Gabrielle: "You're not gonna eat?" David: "Uh, can't really cut yet." (She walks over and begins to cut up his food for him.) Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not gonna let you starve to death. Besides, you're gonna need your strength to get my husband out of jail." David: "You know, when I was waiting for the ambulance the other day, I seriously thought I was gonna die. I was scared."
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Gabrielle: "Of course you were." David: "Thanks". Gabrielle: "For what?" David: "For not making any jokes." Gabrielle: "Sure. Now, open up." (She feeds him a piece of meat.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette walks in wearing a grey suit. Stu hands her her messages.) Lynette: "Thank you." (She looks and sees Nina is escorting people into the conference room. Lynette sees that they are all dressed in designer suits. Lynette looks down at her grey suit. She rushes out to her car and pulls the white suit out of the trunk.) Nina (to the Kamarov people): "Just, uh, follow this hallway straight down there and make yourselves comfortable." (Lynette sneaks by them holding the packaged white suit.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"For the good of their family, Lynette had made a promise to her husband. And within ten days from the date of purchase, she intended to keep it." (Lynette, dressing in the white suit, pins the price tag down and leaves the restroom.) Nina: "Oh. That's a fantastic suit." Lynette: "Oh. Thanks." Nina: "I'm flattered, really. I mean, who knew that you cared so much about what I think?" Lynette: "I don't follow you." Nina: "Well, I make a few innocent comments, and you go out and buy yourself a gorgeous new suit. Dance, puppet, dance." Lynette: "Well, actually, this was already in my closet. I just forgot about it." Nina: "Forgot? You forgot that you had that suit?" (Lynette walks into the conference room and faces everyone confidently.) Lynette: "Good morning. Hi. I'm Lynette Scavo. Now is everyone taken care of in terms of coffee and whatever else they may like? Great. Well, then, let's get started. I will show you how Kamarov Vodka can expand its customer mindshare while still holding the line on marketing costs. It's something we here at Percher and Murphy like to call "persuasive engineering."" (Nina sees a price tag hanging off the back of Lynette's suit.) Nina: "Lynette, just hold on one second." (She lowers her voice and approaches Lynette.) Nina: "You have a... " (Nina yanks the price tag off and Lynette gasps.) Nina: "They put the price tags on the skirts these days, too, just so you know. Look at that, everybody. Lynette just bought herself a beautiful, brand new suit. Doesn't she look great? Go on." Lynette: "Okay." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Courthouse] (David and Carlos are sitting in the courtroom, facing the judge.) Judge: "You may be seated. Good to see you back on your feet, Mr. Bradley. Whenever you're ready." David: "Thank you, Your Honor. The defense moves to dismiss this case immediately on the grounds that the defendant..."
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(David looks at Gabrielle sitting in the courtroom and freezes.) Judge: "Are you all right, Mr. Bradley?" David: "I'm sorry, Your Honor. I just can't. I just can't." Judge: "Mr. Bradley, do you need a recess?" (David picks up his briefcase and walks out of the courtroom.) Carlos: "What the hell's going on?" (Gabrielle runs after David.) Gabrielle: "David, where are you going?" David: "I'm sorry. I quit." Gabrielle: "You can't just quit in the middle of a hearing." David: "I'd love to get your idiot husband out of jail, but I just can't do it. I'm sorry. " Gabrielle: "Yeah. Why not?" David: "Because I'm in love with you." Gabrielle: "What?" David: "The other day in the hospital, I started to feel something. I don't know. Maybe it was there all along. But when I look into your eyes, I know you feel it, too. We belong together." Gabrielle: "Okay, yeah, David, if you don't get back in there right now, I will go get a gun and shoot you myself." David: "I can't. I'm sorry." (David walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan is under the sink, working on something, when someone knocks on her door. Without getting up, she yells out to them.) Susan: "Come in!" Paul: "We need to talk." Susan: "Oh! Oh! Uh, uh, Paul, you, you can't just waltz into people's houses." Paul: "Susan, you told me to come in." Susan: "Well, that's 'cause I assumed you were someone I would let in my house. What do you want?" Paul: "I was looking through my mail, and I found this." (He holds up the flyer that proclaims Zach to be missing.) Paul: "I was surprised to discover that you were looking for my son. You didn't happen to find anything out about where Zach might be, did you?" Susan: "No. No, I didn't. Sorry I can't help you out." Paul: "I'm asking because if you remember, Zach hid here in this house before, and now I learn that you've been searching for him. " Susan: "Well, he's not here." Paul: "Hmm. Well, maybe we should double check." Susan: "But he's not here. I swear." (As they talk, Susan is rummaging in the soapy dishwater behind her.) Paul: "What are you grabbing for?" Susan: "A knife. I just want to slice some tomatoes." (Paul reaches over to a knife block and pulls out a large knife. He points it toward Susan and slowly walks toward her.) Susan: "I don't know how I know this, but I, I think that he's in Utah. He, he took a bus to Bountiful. You have family there, right? Okay, I gave him the bus fare."
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(Paul hands the knife to Susan.) Paul: "You might want to be careful with that. You seem a little jittery." (Paul leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Prison Visiting Room] (Gabrielle is sitting across from Carlos.) Gabrielle: "Look, I know the timing is bad." Carlos: "Pretty bad." Gabrielle: "I feel terrible. How was I supposed to know that he would take a bullet and suddenly realize he's in love with me? Okay, look, I know I pushed you into hiring that creep, but I promise I will do anything I can to fix this." Carlos: "All right, go have sex with Bradley." Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos: "Well, that's what you want me to say, isn't it? God, you guys are good. I mean, you set me up perfectly." Gabrielle: "You think David and I planned this so we could sleep together?" Carlos: "Well, let's see. The guy tells me to my face that he wants to get into your pants, quits a week before my trial, and now you can't wait to do anything to get him back? Yeah." (He gets up and looks at the guard.) Carlos: "I'd like to go back to jail now." Gabrielle: "How dare you think that of me? I have been nothing but faithful to you! Since you've been in here." Carlos: "Save it. I know when I've been outfoxed, and please don't pretend that you're doing this for me, cause I'd rather rot in here." Gabrielle: "And you know what? A lesser woman would let you rot in here, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. So you better start packing up your shanks or whatever you people make in here, because you're coming home with me!" Gabrielle storms out. Carlos (to the guard): "I don't have any shanks." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel] (George and Bree are checking in.) Desk Clerk: "Good afternoon. Checking in?" George: "Yes. Uh, reservations in the name of Williams. George Williams." Desk Clerk: "Let me get your paperwork" George: " So what do you want to do first?" Bree: "I don't know. I thought maybe we could go antiquing." (to the desk clerk) "I hear you have some lovely museums nearby. Do you have any brochures?" Desk Clerk: "Right over there, Mrs. Williams." George: "Oh, uh, she's not my wife." Desk Clerk: "I'm so sorry." (Bree seems uncomfortable. She absently reaches up to begin scratching at the side of her neck.) George: "So I hear they have a terrific Farmers' Market nearby. We should pick up some nectarines." Bree: "George, I can't." George: "What?" Bree: "I can't stay in a hotel room with you." George: "Why not?"
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Bree: "Because I am starting to get that rash again." George: "Well, I, I brought the antihistamines." Bree: "Oh, please. it's not gonna help. George, clearly, this is psychosomatic. We need to go home." George: "Bree, we just drove three hours to get here." Bree: "I know, and you have every right to be mad, but, George, I am really starting to itch." Desk Clerk: "Is there a problem?" George: "Uh, no, there's no problem. Everything is fine. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Uh, uh, I'll get you your own room." Bree: "George..." George: "No, no, no. We can still have a nice weekend. We'll just shift the focus to...antiquing." Bree: "Please. I mean, clearly, you didn't come here to shop." George: "No, I came to spend time with you, time that does not need to be spent in a bed." Bree: "Really? You mean that? You wouldn't mind?" George: "No." Bree: "You know what, George? We're gonna have a great time, because there's tons of fun stuff we can do that doesn't involve sex." George: "You betcha. While I take care of this, why don't you go get those brochures?" Bree: "Okay." George: "Okay." Bree: "George, you won't believe it. I just stopped itching." George: "How about that?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Afternoon] (At Lynette's House, Tom is gardening, while the kids are playing in the yard. Lynette drives up and gets out of the car, still wearing the white suit.) Tom: "Nice suit." Lynette: "Just hear me out. I was gonna take it back, I swear." Tom: "But?" Lynette: "But then I started thinking about it, and you know what? I'll be damned if I'm gonna pitch to a roomful of people who are all wearing Armani and Vera Wang, while I'm standing there with two-year-old breast milk crusted on my lapel." Tom: "Lynette..." Lynette: "And you know what else? I kicked ass in that meeting because of this suit." Tom: "It is a suit. Why are you so obsessed with it?" Lynette: "You can't explain obsession, Tom. It just is." Tom: "No, we are parents. We can't afford the luxury of obsessions." Lynette: "See? That's where I think we have been making a terrible, terrible mistake." (Lynette opens her car trunk and takes out a set of new golf clubs.) Tom: "What is this?" Lynette: "Sometimes we just need to get something that makes us happy. I know that sounds selfish, but I've been thinking. It might make us better people and maybe even better parents." Tom: "No. No, Lynette, no. This is wrong." (She hands him one of the clubs.) Lynette: "Carbon...fiber...shafts." (Tom takes the club and swings it.) Tom: "Wow. I feel like a better parent already. Oh, yeah!"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel] (Bree and George are sitting in the dining room, with menus in front of them.) Bree: "So I was talking to one of the bellmen, and he said there's a place not far from here where we could go horseback riding. Doesn't that sound like fun? George?" (George, distracted, watches two people kissing at another table.) George: "Wh, what? What? I'm sorry." Bree: "I was saying I think we should go horseback riding." George: "Oh, sure. That'd, that'd be great." (Bree reaches for George's hand. George pulls away.) Bree: "What's wrong?" George: "Nothing. I, I just don't think that we should risk you getting another rash. " Bree: "Well, I'm not gonna get another rash just by holding your hand." George: "You never know." Bree: "Oh. Well, okay." George: "Hey, uh, I brought those antihistamines with me. Maybe you should take a couple, just to see if it works." (He places the pill bottle on the table.) Bree: "Oh, well, I'm drinking wine. I don't think you're supposed to mix pills with alcohol." George: "That's for people who are, who are about to use heavy machinery. You don't plan on operating a forklift tonight, do you?" Bree: "Well, you're the pharmacist. If you think it's okay..." George: "I do." (Bree opens the bottle and takes a couple pills. George reaches out and strokes her hand.) (Later, George is holding Bree up as they walk from the dining room back to their rooms.) Bree (slurring): "George, I can't feel my legs." George: "I know, sweetheart. Don't you worry. I'm gonna take you to your room, and then we're gonna get you into bed. Okay?" Desk Clerk: "Is she going to be okay?" George: "Yeah, she's just had a little too much wine." Bree (slurring): "I don't think it was the wine, George. I think it was the antihistamines." George: "She doesn't know what she's...we're good, thank you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Hotel Room] (George is helping Bree lie down.) (Bree moans and, still lying down, tries to reach for her shoe.) George: "No, no, no, no, no. I'll get those. You just relax." (Bree moans and lies back down.) George: "I love you very much, Bree. You know that, right?" Bree: "I know." George: "And I want more than anything for you to love me back. Do you understand what I'm saying? Bree?" (Bree is fast asleep. George looks down at her and slowly removes his tie.) (Later, Bree wakes up and looks at the clock which reads 3:21. George is sitting in a chair, watching her.) George: "Hey there. How you feeling?" Bree: "Oh, okay. Have you been sitting there all this time?" George: "I wanted to make sure you were okay, so I stayed and watched you sleep."
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Bree: "Did I do anything embarrassing? Sometimes I snore." George: "No. No, you slept like an angel. In fact, you were so beautiful and peaceful, I actually started to feel guilty." Bree: "Guilty?" George: "Um, well, you know, 'cause I told you take those pills." Bree: "That chair looks so uncomfortable. Why didn't you sleep next to me?" George: "Well, you made it pretty clear that you don't want me in your bed." Bree: "George. I know what you want from me, and I, I thought I wanted the same thing, but I keep getting those rashes because I still feel married." George: "Makes sense, I guess." Bree: "Can't you just be patient? Can't you wait just a little bit longer?" George: "I've already waited my whole life for you, and I can wait a little more." Bree: "Mmm."
George: "But let's be honest. There's no guarantee that you'll ever be ready. There's only so much rejection I can take. So, I'll do my best, but don't be surprised if one of these days you wake up and I'm not here. Well, I should get back to my room, try to get a little sleep. The antique stores open at ten." (George begins walking out.) Bree: "George, wait. Please don't go. Stay here with me." George: "But what if you get another rash?" Bree: "Well, I'll just have to get over it, won't I?" (Bree kisses George and pulls him down onto the bed.) (Later, when the clock reads 4:30, George, bare-chested and underneath the covers, is asleep on the bed and Bree sits in the chair, wearing a bathrobe, rubbing her ring finger.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (David walks into Gabrielle's bedroom to find her wearing a bra and panties.) David: "Gabrielle? I got your call. Wow! Does this mean what I think it means?" Gabrielle: "There are some ground rules first. I'm not leaving my husband. Carlos is looking at spending eight years in jail because of my lapse of judgment with the gardener. I can't let him rot in there. I'd be filled with guilt." David: "You could get him out and then divorce him." Gabrielle: "Not an option. I'm Catholic, hence the guilt." David: "So, what are our options?" Gabrielle: "This, us, stolen moments, seeing each other whenever we can. Carlos never needs to know." David: "No." Gabrielle: "I thought this was what you wanted." David: "I want all of you. All or nothing." Gabrielle: "Then it's nothing." David: "So you won't get a divorce, but you'll have an affair?" Gabrielle: "I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic. You know, David, you could tell me to stop. Just tell me to stop, and I will, or you can have me right now, on my terms." David: "All right." (He grabs her to kiss her. Gabrielle pushes her thumb into David's sore shoulder, pushing him back.)
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David: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! What are you doing?" Gabrielle: "Making my point. You don't love me." David: "Yes, I do." Gabrielle: "No. You just agreed to an affair. A cheap, illicit affair with the woman you love? Carlos would never share me. He's looking at eight years in prison because the mere thought of it sent him into a violent rage. That is love. This is, this is just lust, mixed with posttraumatic stress. I will see you in court tomorrow at ten a.m. and don't be late, or else I'll have you disbarred for sexual harassment." (Gabrielle leaves the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul Young's Front Yard] (Paul is sprinkling poison into the garden. Mike approaches.) Mike: "I'd take it easy with that snail poison. It's hell on your agapanthus." Paul: "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. Is that why you stopped by, to share a few gardening tips?" Mike: "Nobody wants you here, Paul, especially me." Paul: "I'm just a father looking for his son." Mike: "Oh, I know what you are." Paul: "First, your girlfriend tries to run me off with some crazy story about sending Zach to Utah. Now you're here trying to scare me away. So much for love thy neighbor. Anyway, thanks for the advice. About my agapanthus, I mean. I'll make sure I send you some." Mike: "What did Susan tell you?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Living Room] (Susan is wearing Sophie's wedding gown, while Sophie is circling her.) Sophie: "Oh! You look beautiful. Oh, you should really consider wearing this when you marry Mike. We could make it a family tradition." Susan: "Why don't we both stop getting divorced? That would be a nice family tradition." (Mike walks in.) Susan: " Hey!" Mike: "I need to ask you something important." Sophie: "Oh, my god! Ah! This is it! Oh! Let me get my camera." Susan: "Oh, no, mom, stop! What is it?" Mike: "Did you give Zach money to go to Utah?" Susan: "What?" Mike: "Yes or no?" Susan: "He was talking so much about Julie. I tried to get him to come home with me, I mean, to, to you, but he just kept going on and on about her, and I got scared." Mike: "Yes or no?" Susan: "Yes. Mike." (Mike walks out of the house. Susan chases after him.) Susan (crying): "Mike, I didn't do it to hurt you. You've gotta believe me. I..." (Lynette, out by her car, turns toward Susan's cry.) Susan: "I, I should have told you right away. I, I know that. But you know now, so can we please talk about it?" (Gabrielle, doing yoga on her front porch, stops and looks toward Susan.) Mike: "No." (He walks to his truck.) Susan: "Mike, stop."
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Mike: "Susan, you said you wanted to help me, and I believed you. That's it. We're done." (Mike gets into his truck and slams the door. Susan cries harder.) Susan: "No, no, no, no, no!" (She stands in front of Mike's truck blocking the way. Bree comes out of her house to see what's going on.) Susan: "I screwed up, okay? I want to fix it! Please let me fix it! Tell me how to fix it! Mike, I love you!" (Mike stares at Susan and shakes his head. He puts his truck into reverse, backs up, and drives around her. ) Susan: "Please, no, please, please. No, Mike! Mike!" (Susan, still in the wedding gown, chases Mike's truck pleading and crying. Mike drives away. Susan is in the middle of the street, sobbing as she runs after the truck.) Susan: "No, Mike, Mike! Come back! Come back!" (She looks over and sees Paul standing in his yard, staring at her. Paul turns and walks into his house.) Susan: "No, no, no." (Sophie, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle all run toward Susan, who has collapsed in the middle of the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, every little girl dreams of a big white wedding. But some dreams just don't come true." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X07 - Color and Light -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on desperate housewives... Calos:You're glowing today,you know that? Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle got pregnant... Susan:You walked out on me. Karl:Yeah,but look how far I got.I'm just up the street Mary Alice Voiceover:Trouble moved in... Dr. Goldfine: Being with George made you feel a bit guilty. Bree:Well,I'll just have to get over it,won't I? Mary Alice Voiceover:And Bree moved on... Matthew:I know who really killed Melanie Foster.You arrested the wrong man? Mary Alice Voiceover:But not everyone... Matthew:Call 9-1-1 and tell 'em,you got a killer locked up in the basement Betty:He is not a killer. Mary Alice Voiceover:...got what they deserved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (A young mother takes her daughter out of her van and they walk up to a neighbor's house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It is often said that necessity is the mother of invention. This is how mothers came to invent play dates. So occasionally they could have a little time for themselves." (Another young mother answers the door. The little girl enters the house. The first mother begins to walk back to her van.) Mother #1: "If you need me, I'll be at the salon." Mary Alice Voiceover:"But there are some mothers who don't get to take advantage of this maternal
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innovation. Mothers like Lynette Scavo..." (Lynette, pushing Penny in a stroller, flanked by Porter, Preston and Parker come up the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...who was no longer able to rest on weekends..." Lynette: "Guys, stop it! Stop it, I mean it, come on!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"...because her twins no longer received play date invitations. Ever since they had convinced Sasha Eden's boy that a pair of magic wings would allow him to fly." (Flashback-Sasha Eden is sitting on the grass with her son wrapping his injured ankle. Sasha is looking up angrily at the Scavo balcony where Parker and Preston are looking down at them.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And they had double dared Sharon Chasin's boy to ride his bike blindfolded." (Flashback-Sharon Chasin is tending to an injury on her son's hand. She angrily looks toward the street where the twins are standing by a light pole with a broken bike at their feet.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And they had encouraged Lisa Seigmann's boy to try an exciting new game called, 'Toss the Brick.'" (Flashback -Lisa Siegmann's son is lying on the grass next to a broken brick. Lisa is placing an ice pack on her son's forehead and looks angrily toward the Scavo twins who are standing innocently near a pile of bricks.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The Scavo twins had become persona-non-grata..." (Present day-Lynette is sitting in the park dreamily watching all the other mothers and their kids playing peacefully together.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and Lynette's secret dream of being able to take an occasional nap on Saturdays was growing dimmer and dimmer." (Lynette is startled by the sound of her twins yelling. She sees their legs, entangled with other legs behind a fence. She runs toward them and finds another younger set of twins wrestling with her twins.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Until one day..." Lynette: "Hey, hey, hey, Porter, Preston, knock it off. All right, did you hear me, I said stop it. Stand up. Stand up! Come here!" (She pulls the kids apart and pulls the other twins toward her.) Lynette: "I'm so sorry. Did my sons beat you up?" Jimmy/PJ: "No, we were beating them up." Lynette: "Is that true? Did they beat you up?" Parker/Preston: "Ah, it didn't hurt that much." (Jimmy and PJ's mother, Norma, comes running up.) Norma: "Jimmy, PJ, what are you doing? What have I told you about ganging up on people?" (to Lynette) "I am so sorry." Lynette: "Ah, no, it's, it's okay. Believe me, my boys can take care of themselves." Norma: "If they got hurt at all, I'll pay for the doctor bills." Lynette: "No, not to worry. I got the feeling they were sort of enjoying themselves." Norma: "Really?" (Lynette nods yes. Jimmy's mother looks at Parker and Preston.) Norma: "What would you say to bringing your boys over to my house and letting them hang out with mine some time?" (Lynette smiles.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And that's how Lynette finally got what she needed..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette is taking a nap on the couch when the doorbell rings.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"...time for herself, and play dates for her kids." (Lynette goes to the door. Norma is standing there with Parker and Preston. Both boys are banged up and Preston is holding a tissue to his nose.) Norma: "I'm sorry, but my boys decided to have a rock fight with your boys." Preston: "It was fun!" Mary Alice Voiceover:"Play dates she was determined to keep..." Lynette: "Well, they look fine to me." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...at all costs." (The boys go into the house and Norma turns to leave.) Lynette: "Same time next week?" Norma: "Okay." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice V8oiceover:"Cameras are simple tools designed to capture images. Images that tell us more about ourselves than we realize." (Focus on a photo of Bree, Mary Alice, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Susan.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They remind us of the long journey we've taken." (Focus on a picture of Susan, Karl, and Julie.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The loved ones who traveled alongside of us." (Focus on a picture of the entire Scavo family.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Those we lost along the way." (Focus on the wedding picture of Bree and Rex.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And those waiting for us on the road ahead." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Focus on a sonogram photo with a coffee cup on top of it. Someone picks up the dish and the photo is revealed to be labeled Gabrielle Solis. Edie, Susan, Bree and Gabrielle are sitting around the table having ice cream.) Edie: "Okay, how am I supposed to eat with a uterus staring me in the face?" Susan: "Oh, Gabby, I didn't know you got a sonogram. Let me see. Oh!" (Susan wipes the photo with her sleeve.) Bree: "Honey, you need to put that in a frame or something." Gabrielle: "I don't think so." Bree: "Oh, come on, that's a picture of your baby. You can't tell me you're not a little bit excited." (Gabrielle throws the picture into a drawer.) Gabrielle: "Fine, I'm pregnant. Whee! Now come on, we are supposed to be cheering up Susan. This is a time of crisis and I think you need another scoop of mint chocolate chip." Susan:Thanks. Edie: "Susan. Why are you so eerily calm? Mike Delfino just dumped you. The Susan Mayer I know would be a blubbering mess right now. Oh, come on, trot her on out. She's fun to watch." Susan: "Actually, I think I'm starting to feel pretty Zen about the whole thing." Bree: "Well, I think Mike will calm down in a couple of days and come to his senses." Susan: "No, I came between the man and his son. There's a huge betrayal. I, I can't even blame him for hating me."
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Gabrielle: "But Zach was starting to obsess with Julie again." Bree: "Exactly. You're a mother trying to protect her child. It's a natural impulse." Susan: "Over the past couple of days, I gave myself a long hard look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw." Edie: "I'm with you. Carry on." Susan: "I just think if I start acting like an adult for once, maybe, who knows, somewhere down the line, Mike and I at least can be friends." Edie: "All right, you're not Zen. You're numb." Susan: "I'm fine. You got any pie?" Gabrielle: "Not unless we make some." Susan: "I can wait." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Norma and Leonard are dropping off their kids for a play date. Jimmy and PJ run inside.) Tom: "Whoa!" Norma: "So if you need us, we'll be at home just having a quiet evening." (Sounds of something breaking come from inside the house.) Tom: "Funny, we're expecting quite the opposite." Leonard: "Well, don't forget, next week it's our turn. We'll taking Porter and-" Norma: "...Preston?" Leonard: "...Preston off your hands all weekend." Lynette: "Rest assured, we have not forgotten. See ya!" Norma: "Bye." Lynette: "Don't worry." (Porter and Preston are coming downstairs.) Tom: "Whoa, guys. Whoa, why aren't you upstairs with PJ and Jimmy?" Preston: "They're watching this dumb video they brought" Porter: "It's boring." Lynette: "Well, you should be polite and watch it too. You know they're your guests." (The boys continue going downstairs.) Tom: "Guys!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Children's Room] (Parker and the twins are watching a video tape.) Lynette: "Hey, guys. We got snacks!" Leonard (on the TV, wearing boxer shorts): "We're good to go. Okay, ready?" Norma: (on the TV, wearing a bra and panties) "Okay." Leonard (on the TV): "All right, hang on now, I'm just getting up." Lynette: "Guys, what is this?" Jimmy/PJ: "A movie. Mommy and Daddy made it." (On the TV screen, Norma and Leonard are on the bed, almost naked.) Leonard: "Whoa. What's under there?" Norma: "Peek a boo! Peek a boo!" Lynette: "Oh my god! Oh my god, where's the off button?" (Lynette runs to the TV and tried to turn off the tape.) Tom: "It's, it's underneath the panel thing."
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Lynette: "Well, it's stuck. Get the remote! Get the remote!" (Lynette blocks the TV and Tom scrambles around for the remote.) Parker: "What's wrong?" Lynette: "Oh, uh..." Tom: "I found it." (Tom pushes a button on the remote. The TV turns off.) Lynette: "Oh." Parker: "So can we have the cocoa now?" (Lynette nods yes and looks toward Tom.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Boutique] [Outside the dressing room] Vern: "Well, what do you think?" (Gabrielle comes out of the dressing room wearing a turquoise blue dress.) Gabrielle: "It is glorious. I have to have it." Vern: "I'm not sure you deserve Dolce and Gabana." Gabrielle: "Vern." Vern: "You never call, you never write." Gabrielle: "I know I haven't been to the store lately but I've been a little busy getting my husband out of jail." Vern: "That's such a white-trash thing to say." Gabrielle: "Luckily, the judge dropped the hate crime charge. So now all Carlos has to do is serve out the slave labor thing. He'll be out in six months." Vern: "If he's still in the hoosgow, why do you need the fancy party dress." Gabrielle: "Because some of my model friends are coming down from New York on Friday so I have to look better than ever. I can't have them thinking I moved to the suburbs and I shop at strip malls." Vern: "When they see this dress they will crumple to the floor like the Botox tags they are." Gabrielle: "Good. You know what? It's a little snug." Vern: "Yeah, I see that. I have the same thing in a zero, why not go up a size?" Gabrielle: "Because I wear a double zero, you twerp!" Vern: "Why are you getting snippy?" Gabrielle: "Because you just called me fat!" Vern: "Honey, you're pregnant. Your body's changing." Gabrielle: "But I'm only three months pregnant. Women don't show at three months." Vern: "Some women do. Do you want the larger size or not?" Gabrielle: "I'm just not gonna eat for two days." Vern: "Okay, you totally deserve to wear Dolce and Gabana." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Susan approaches Mike's house. She hears Edie yelling and looks over. Edie and Karl are coming out the front door. Edie grabs Karl by the arm.) Edie: "I want an explanation, Karl, do you hear me?" Karl: "Edie, you just better get the hell off my back, so help me..." Edie: "Oh. Oh, so what are you gonna do? I'd like to hear this. Big man, big threat." Karl: "Back off, just back the hell off!" Edie: "What am I..." (Susan knocks on Mike's door.)
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Susan: "Hi. Okay, so I got the box on things you left on my porch." Mike: "Yeah, I figured you'd want your stuff back." Susan: "Thanks. That's great. 'Cause if you decided to hang on to my Joni Mitchell CDs I'd have to come after you with a club. You're right, it's not funny. Actually, I did want to see if you were aware that you gave me back the Valentine's Day card that I made you." Mike: "I was aware, yeah." Susan: "Oh. Well, I mean when two people split up, normally they don't give things back like Valentine's Day cards. If, if, you can throw it away. Just please don't give it back to me, it's tacky." (She hands the card to him and he takes it.) Mike: "I'm sorry." Susan: "That's okay. People make-" (Mike tosses the card in a trash can by the door.) Susan: "...mistakes." Mike: "Anything else?" Susan: "Look, are you sure this is what you want to do? I mean, I understand that you don't want our relationship to continue, you have made that clear. But I sort of thought down the long corridors of time, maybe you and I could be friends, and if you keep acting like this..." Mike: "Susan, it's over. On every level. Okay, I've, I've moved on. You should do the same." (They both turn as Edie continues to yell at Karl, who has already gotten in his car.) Edie: "You miserable son of a bitch! If I have secrets, I'm a hell of a lot better at keeping them than you are!" (Karl speeds by in his convertible.) Susan: "Well, I'll say one thing for us. Even with all our problems we're not acting like that." (Susan turns back toward Mike, who closes the door in her face.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Empty House] (George escorts Bree blindfolded into the empty living room.) Bree: "Okay, I'm starting to get the feeling that we are not going to a yard sale." George: "That was just a clever ruse to get you into my car. Are you ready for your surprise?" Bree: "Um hmm." (George removes the blindfold. Bree looks all around.) Bree: "Oh. George, this is just, uh, an empty house. Why is this a surprise?" George: "I just bought it." Bree: "Oh, my god! Congratulations. Oh George, I didn't even know you were looking." (Two women come out of the door down the hall.) Francine Williams: "Hurry, Ceal, they're here." Ceal: "Coming. Hey Georgie." George: "Bree, I'd like you to meet my mother." Francine: "George never introduces me to anyone. So I knew you were special." George: "And this is Ceal, my mother's friend and the real estate agent who sold me the house." Ceal: "Hi." Bree: "Hi." Francine: "Well, we're gonna go in the back, so George can, you know." (The ladies leave the room.) George: "So, you really like it?" Bree: "Uh, I do, I really do." George: "Good, 'cause, uh, I was sorta hoping that you might like to live here. Bree," (he pulls out a ring) "will
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you marry me?" Bree: "Huh?" George: "I love you and I think I know how you feel about me. So why wait?" Bree: "George, Rex hasn't even been dead for two months." George: "Yes, but if his death has taught us anything, it's that life is short. It's dumb to play it safe. If we see a chance for happiness we should grab it and hold on tight." Bree: "See, I thought we were going to a yard sale." George: "Please, just say the word and you'll make me the happiest guy on earth." (Francine and Ceal, carrying glasses of champagne, enter the room.) Francine: "Congratulations, you two." Ceal: "Mazel tov!" George: "Guys, wait, she hasn't said yes yet." Francine: "Oh." Ceal: "I told you we should wait." (The ladies leave again.) George: "So, Bree. What do you say?" Bree: "See, George, um, the thing is..." (Bree sees Francine and Ceal peeking around the corner.) Bree: "...okay." George: "You will? You'll marry me?" Bree: "Okay." (He grabs Bree and hugs her.) Francine: "Oh.. Ah. Oh my baby! Oh." (The three of them hug and Bree grabs a glass of champagne and drinks it all down.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Nighttime] (Someone knocks on Susan's door.) Susan: "Who is it?" Karl: "It's your ex-husband." Susan: "Oh, Karl. What do you want?" (Susan opens the door and Karl is there with all his suitcases.) Karl: "Uh, Edie and I just broke up." Susan: "Oh. Well, come on in." (Susan and Karl sit at the dining room table drinking wine.) Karl: "I'm sorry to come over on such short notice. But, I couldn't face going to a hotel." Susan: "Oh, that's okay. Julie's staying at a friend's tonight. You can sleep in her room." Karl: "The sofa's fine, thanks." Susan: "So am I allowed to ask what happened?" Karl: "You could ask, but I won't tell." Susan: "Why not?" Karl: "'Cause it's embarrassing." Susan: "Karl, did you cheat again?" Karl: "No." Susan: "Did she cheat?" Karl: "No."
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Susan: "You finally saw her without her makeup?" Karl: "Susan." Susan: "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Karl: "Yeah. Haven't been working for quite a while. This was inevitable." Susan: "Well, these days anybody going through a break-up gets my sympathy." Karl: "That's right. I heard you made the plumber angry." Susan: "No, I made the plumber furious. That is definitely over. So there will be no gloating from me." Karl: "Here's to no gloating." (They clink their wine glasses together.) Susan: "Actually, I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing. Um, last night I started writing and, well, I think there's a book in there." Karl: "A book?" Susan: "Yeah." Karl: "Like one of your children's books?" Susan: "Nope. This one's for adults about all my failed relationships." Karl: "You're not writing about me, are you?" Susan: "You're, like, the first fourteen chapters." Karl: "Are you gonna be fair?" Susan: "I'm gonna be honest." Karl: "I was afraid of that." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Goldfine's Office] Bree: "It was just awful. George had a ring. His mother and her friend were there with champagne. If I had said no, it would have devastated him." Dr. Goldfine: "So you agreed to marry him just to be polite?" Bree: "Well, obviously there's a downside to having good manners." Dr. Goldfine: "So, when will you tell him how you really feel?" Bree: "That's why I wanted to talk to you. I mean, part of me just keeps thinking maybe I should just do it." Dr. Goldfine: "Do it? You mean actually marry him?" Bree: "Well, I know it sounds rash, but, well, there's something comfortable about George. We share the same tastes and interests. Oh, and best of all, he loves the opera." Dr. Goldfine: "The opera?" Bree: "Yes, we saw Aida last week and we both cried buckets. It was fun. George loves art, poetry, and music. It would be nice to be married to someone who looks for beauty in the world like I do. I don't know. That's why I'm here. I don't know what to do, Dr. Goldfine." Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, you've said many times how comfortable you are with George, but you don't feel for him the way you felt for Rex." Bree: "No. True love is great, but at this point in my life, I think I'd rather just go to the opera." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan and Karl are still drinking at the dining room table. Both appear a little bit drunk.) Karl: "You need another glass. Let's finish this off..." Susan: "Oh no, no wait, no wait, no wait. Four glasses is my limit." Karl: "If you help me finish off this bottle, I'll tell you what happened between me and Edie." Susan: "Hit me."
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Karl: "Edie was making the bed and found a picture I kept under the mattress. A picture I didn't want her to see." Susan: "What was it?" Karl: "It was a picture of you." Susan: "Why would you...?" Karl: "Because it's something I like to take a look at every now and then." Susan: "Wow." (Karl leans over and kisses Susan.) Susan (laughing): "What the hell was that?" Karl: "That was something I've been wanting to do for quite some time." Susan: "Oh, that's just you rebounding from Edie." Karl: "So, you're on the rebound from the plumber. No harm, no foul." Susan: "Karl. It'd be so weird." Karl: "Just two old friends who suddenly find themselves single. There's nothing weird about us helping each other out to be a little less lonely." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] (Norma arrives to pick up her twins.) Norma: "Thanks so much for taking care of the boys. I'll be back on Friday to pick your guys up. Leonard and I are gonna take them all to the water park." Lynette: "Yeah, um, before that happens..." Norma: "And we're gonna be able to take Penny soon, aren't we? She's getting so big. Peekaboo, peekaboo, peekaboo." Lynette: "Yeah, okay, enough of that." Norma: "Is there something wrong?" Lynette: "Actually, yes. We've agonized whether to tell you this, Norma, but one of your private videos made its way into Jimmy and P.J.'s bag." Norma: "Please tell me the kids didn't see it." Tom: "Oh, no, don't worry. I caught it, I caught it right before you took off your bra." Norma: "I have to go." Lynette: "Oh, Norma. Norma, we just thought you needed to know what happened." Tom: "Seriously, we're, we're cool with it so long as you keep it away from the kids." Norma: "I told Leonard this was gonna happen!" (Norma runs to her car and gets in quickly.) Norma: "Jimmy, P.J., close the door! Are we all buckled up?" (She speeds away and Lynette shouts after the car.) Lynette: "Norma, wait! We're still on for next week! Norma! The water park! Right?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Morning] (Julie walks into the house. She goes upstairs to Susan's room and opens the door to see Karl and Susan, asleep in bed together.) Julie: "Mom! Mom? Mom, are you up? Mom, oh, my god!" Susan: "Oh. Julie! I thought you were going straight to school." Julie: "I, I needed money for lunch." Karl: "There's a twenty in my pants if you can find 'em." Susan: "Oh, uh, Julie, uh oh, Julie, uh..."
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Karl: "Honey." (Julie runs out of the room and goes downstairs. Susan follows.) Susan: "Okay, there is a good explanation for what happened." Julie: "I doubt that." Susan: "You probably don't know that your father and Edie broke up last night." Julie: "You slept with him the same night he broke up with her?" Susan: "Well, I said it was a good explanation, not a great one." Julie: "Oh!" Susan: "Oh, Julie." (Karl walks in buckling his pants.) Karl: "Hey, pumpkin." Julie: "Don't even!" (Julie walks out.) Susan: "Oh, now I feel really awful." Karl: "Me too." Susan: "We should not have done what we did." Karl: "I know, I know. But I gotta tell you, last night was the best sex ever." Susan: "Wasn't it, though? You were fantastic!" Karl: "Hey, I was just trying to keep up with you." Susan: "Why do you think we got so good all of a sudden?" Karl: "Because we've been angry at each other for so long, and we finally found a way to channel it." Susan: "Maybe." Karl: "So what happens next?" Susan: "Well, I'm gonna take a shower." Karl: "No, I, I mean with us." Susan: "Us? What do you mean? There's no us." Karl: "You can't tell me you can just walk away from this chemistry we got going. I mean, what happened last night was...explosive." Susan: "Karl, last night was two old friends helping each other through a rough patch. That's it." Karl: "Susie Q..." Susan: "Karl, I want to move on. I don't want to go backwards. I'm sorry, but thank you for the explosion. I really needed it." (Susan leaves the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Gabrielle is putting on her Dolce and Gabana dress.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"After 48 hours of crash dieting, Gabrielle prepared to savor the fruit of her labor. But she was dismayed to discover that she herself had ripened considerably." (Gabrielle, unable to zip the dress up, goes out the front door and sees the gardener.) Gabrielle: "Ralph! I need help getting dressed. Get in here! Now!" (Ralph drops the rake and runs inside.) Gabrielle: "I have to fit in this, so for god's sakes, put some muscle into it." Ralph: "I'm trying. It won't zip." Gabrielle: "Well, try harder." Ralph: "Oh! Ow. My hands hurt. I'm sorry, Ms. Solis, but I can't get you into this dress. It's just too small." Gabrielle: "Get me into this dress, and I will pay you ten more dollars a week."
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(Later, Ralph's partner is holding onto the zipper with pliers while Ralph is holding on to Gabrielle.) Ralph's partner: "I think I got it. Hold on. Hold still. Here we go. One, two, three. There." Gabrielle: "Oh! Thank god." (Gabrielle falls into a chair and the dress rips.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty and Matthew go into Caleb's room in the basement.) Betty: "We brought you some ice cream. I know how long it's been since you've had any. We'll have that in a minute, sweetheart. First, I want you to talk to me about what happened about Melanie." Caleb: "I don't want to talk about her." Betty: "You know it breaks my heart to keep you down here like this. But I can't let you out until I am positive that you will never hurt anyone else again. And the first step is for you to show me that you understand that what you did was wrong." Caleb: "She was a bad person. She deserved it." Betty: "No one deserves to die like that, Caleb. Don't you agree? Very well. If that's how it's going to be, this is how it's going to be." (Betty takes the ice cream and they leave the room and lock the door. Caleb jumps up and screams. He starts pulling at the chains that bind him to the bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Leonard and Norma's House - Nighttime] (Tom and Lynette approach the house and ring the door bell.) Tom: "I can't believe we're doing this. If Leonard and Norma want to cut ties with us, who are we to stop them?" Lynette: "They need to know we don't judge them for what they do in the privacy of their own home. And, well, it's not unheard of to tape yourself while you're having sex." Tom: "Well, obviously, they were so embarrassed, they don't want anything to do with us. Maybe we need to respect that." Lynette: "I need these play dates. Tom, we need these play dates." Tom: "Fine. Fine. But you do all the talking." Lynette: "Okay." (Norma opens the door.) Lynette: "Norma..." Norma: "Aah!" (Norma closes the door.) Lynette: "Wait!" Tom: "Let's go." Lynette: "No!" (Leonard opens the door.) Leonard: "Hi, Scavos. What are you guys doing here?" Lynette: "Hi. Sorry for just showing up unannounced, but, um, could we talk to you for a minute?" Leonard: "Sure, come on in." Lynette: "So, um, we've been trying to contact you, but you haven't been returning any of our messages." Tom: "And we really hope it isn't because of the porno video." Lynette: "Home, home movies. The fact is, we really don't care, and it's certainly no reason to keep our boys apart." Leonard: "We just don't know how they found it."
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Tom: "But you know boys, they get, they get into everything, But seriously, it's not a big deal. I mean, just as long as you make sure it never happens again. It's the new millennium. We're, we're, we're hip." Lynette: "You know, what we're saying is, we get it. You're just having fun. It's nothing to be ashamed of." (Later, the four of them sit in the living room drinking wine.) Norma: "I'm just so relieved this all worked out. At one point, we actually talked about selling the house and moving." Lynette: "Oh, no!" Norma: "Thank you for being so open-minded." Tom: "Please, we're all adults. It's..." Leonard: "I gotta tell you, the most embrarrassing part of that video is how poorly it was shot. The production values are ca-ca." Lynette: "Well, from a lay perspective, it looked very professional." Leonard: "What you saw was an example of my earlier work. Since then, I've become much more adept at production." Lynette: "Ah." Leonard: "You know, editing and lighting." Norma: "Leonard has always dreamed of directing movies." Leonard: "Ironic, isn't it? I finally get my wish and no one ever gets to see my work." Lynette: "That is a damn shame." Leonard: "Norma, what do you think? Should we show them the room? Let's show 'em the room. Huh?" (Leonard takes Lynette and Tom into a dimly lit bedroom with filming equipment around the room.) Leonard: "Check out this baby. Three-chip high-def, twelve-eighty by seven-twenty lines of resolution, bounced lighting, and dark sheets so you don't get a kick off the pillows. Took me a while to learn that little trick. These walls are completely soundproof. You could scream your lungs out in here, and nobody'd hear you." Norma: "It's true." Leonard: "So, anytime you wanna set up a shoot, just let me know." Norma: "You guys'd love it. Once you get in front of that camera, you feel like a star." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Leonard and Norma's House - Outside] (Tom and Lynette walk away from the house as Norma and Leonard stand on the porch.) Leonard: "Good night." Tom: "Night." (whispering to Lynette) "I'm thinking no more play dates." Lynette: "Not a one." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[George's House - Nighttime] (Bree knocks on the front door.) Bree: "Hey. We'd better hurry. The movie starts in twenty minutes." George: "There's been a slight change in plans. My mother had a couple of friends who really wanted to meet you, and I thought, what the heck? It could be fun. Do you mind?" Bree: "Uh, no, I, I guess not." (He opens the door fully to reveal a couple dozen people standing in the empty living room.) George: "Hey, everybody, this is Bree." (Everyone starts clapping. Bree smiles, waves, and walks inside.) (Later, Bree and George are standing with Francine and several other people.) George: "And this is my Uncle Sid."
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Bree: "Hi." George: "My Aunt Rosalie." Bree: "Hello." George: "Oh, and this is Stan Grazi, who does my mom's taxes." Stan: "She's a knockout, George. Guess I owe you an apology." George: "Since I was single all these years, Stan kept telling my mom I was gay." Stan: "I'm still gonna need some proof. But I guess I'll be getting that in about nine months, hey, Bree?" Bree: "What happens in nine months?" George: "That's just Stan's little joke about when we're gonna start our own family. Now just so you know, Stan, it's gonna be a while before we even think about kids. I want Bree all to myself for a while." Francine: "Well, don't wanna wait too long. After forty, the eggs don't get any fresher. Am I right, Bree?" Bree: "If you'll excuse me, I, uh, I have to go." (Bree takes the champagne she had been holding and walks out of the house. George follows.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[George's House - Outside] George: "Bree, Bree, where are you going?" Bree: "I am taking my champagne and my aging eggs, and I'm going home." George: "What's wrong?" Bree: "George, I'm starting to think that we made a mistake rushing into this engagement." George: "What?" Bree: "And I'm not the only one who thinks that. Other people have said the same thing." George: "What others? Andrew?" Bree: "No. Dr. Goldfine, my therapist." George: "Your therapist? He doesn't know me." Bree: "Well, he knows me, and certainly better than you do." George: "How can you say that?" Bree: "Well, for starters, he knows the last thing I'd ever want to do is have more children." George: "Really? Well, I didn't know." Bree: "But you should know that. That's the kind of thing that people who are engaged are supposed to know about each other." George: "Well, it doesn't matter. I don't need children." Bree: "It's not just that, George. Dr. Goldfine has other concerns about us being together, and I'm starting to think he's right." George: "Look, I'll agree with Dr. Goldfine on one thing. We should slow things down." Bree: "Really?" George: "Yes. Just because two people are engaged doesn't mean they have to get married anytime soon." Bree: "I'll talk to Dr. Goldfine about it tomorrow." George: "Take whatever time you need." (She hands him the champagne glass, then gets in her car and drives off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Matthew and Betty are walking downstairs to the basement.) Betty: "How many times am I gonna have to ask you to fix this step? Matthew, are you gonna answer me?" (Matthew sees the door to Caleb's room is wide open.) Matthew: "Did you leave the door open?" (They both see the binding lying on the floor in the basement.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Betty and Matthew run outside. They start searching the neighborhood for Caleb.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Betty and Matthew are still searching for Caleb. Matthew comes out of the back yard of the neighbor.) Betty: "How'd you do?" Matthew: "Not good. People are gonna start coming home from work soon." Betty: "Okay. We can't panic. Caleb is scared. He doesn't know the area, so he's got to be close by. Which yards haven't you checked yet?" (They look at Bree's yard. Bree is working in her front garden. Betty approaches Bree while Matthew sneaks in the back yard.) Betty: "Bree, I desperately need your help." Bree: "Oh, dear. What's wrong?" Betty: "How do you get your hydrangeas to look so stunning? I'm systematically slaughtering my own garden." Bree: "Do you really want to know my secret?" Betty: "Oh, yes." Bree: "Horse manure. I have it delivered. Susan makes fun of me, but the proof is in the pudding." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Backyard - Daytime] (Matthew is searching the yard and doesn't see Danielle, who is also in the backyard, wearing a bikini and see-through robe. She holds a lit cigarette as she watches Matthew look through the windows of her house.) Danielle: "Hello." Matthew: "Hey." Danielle: "Looking for something?" Matthew: "Uh, yeah. Actually, I'm looking for you." Danielle: "Me? You're looking for me?" Matthew: "Yeah. I've been thinking about you, and that time we met, I thought you were really cool." Danielle: "So you came to ask me out? 'Cause I'll say yes." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Front Yard - Daytime] Betty: "Thank you." (Bree goes into her house and Matthew comes out from the backyard.) Betty: "Anything? Well, that was a waste of time." Matthew: "Pretty much" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Front Yard - Daytime] (Susan is watering her yard. Edie approaches.) Edie: "Did you hear the big news?" Susan: "Uh, the big news?" Edie: "Karl and I are back together." Susan: "What?" Edie: "And I know that he stayed at your place last night, which leads me to why I'm here. There's some stuff that I have to say, and it's not going to be pleasant." Susan: "Edie, uh...".
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Edie: "Whatever it was that you said to him really helped. He showed up with flowers and he apologized for everything. So, thank you." Susan: "I'm sorry, what?" Edie: "Well, I'm not gonna say it again. It hurt my teeth the first time." Susan: "No, Edie. I mean, this is so unexpected on so many levels. I don't know what to say." Edie: "Then say nothing. Oh, and, uh, here is the photo of you I found in our bed. I know he told you about it." Susan: "Why are you giving it to me?" Edie: "Look, I appreciate whatever it was that you did last night, but it's still important for you to understand that I won." Susan: "You won?" Edie: "Yeah. Whatever little hold you had on Karl is officially over. So you can stop feeling all smug and superior that he kept that thing." Susan: "Believe me, I don't feel superior." Edie: "Good, 'cause you shouldn't. He made his choice, and it's not you." Susan: "You're right. He made his choice." (Edie smiles and walks off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Bree is altering the dress Gabrielle is wearing.) Gabrielle: "Bree, it's still too easy to breathe. You've gotta make it tighter." Bree: "Gaby, if I make it any tighter, you won't be able to sit down." Gabrielle: "I don't care. I can't have these girls thinking I'm pregnant." Bree: "Do you actually think they're gonna make fun of you?" Gabrielle: "Trust me. They're merciless." Bree: "But why? I mean, surely they have friends who have children." Gabrielle: "When I decided to marry Carlos, I told these girls I would spend the rest of my days being rich and in love and childless, and they laughed at me, and they said I would just end up being another fat hausfrau living a life that I didn't plan. I'm not gonna give them the satisfaction of knowing they were right." Bree: "Well, maybe they'll just be happy for you." Gabrielle: "Bree, my friends are models. They're never happy for anyone." Bree: "Do you ever think you might like it?" Gabrielle: "What?" Bree: "Motherhood." Gabrielle: "No." Bree: "Oh, come on. You don't think you're gonna love your own baby?" Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not saying I'm not gonna grow attached to the little bugger. I just don't have the motherhood gene. I wish I did, but I don't. What?" Bree: "Well, I'm just smiling because I think a few months from now you are gonna come to me and tell me how madly in love you are with your new little baby, and I'm gonna have to resist the urge to say 'I told you so.'" Gabrielle: "Maybe, but I doubt it." Bree: "There you go. All done." Gabrielle: "Ah. How do I look?" Bree: "Positively glowing." Gabrielle: "Bree." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Street] (Dr. Goldfine is out jogging across a bridge. A man wearing dark clothing and a helmet pulled low passes Dr. Goldfine on a bicycle. The cyclist stops ahead of Dr. Goldfine, gets off of the bicycle, and starts stretching against the overpass wall.) (As Dr. Goldfine gets closer, the cyclist looks up and it's George. As Dr. Goldfine passes him, George grabs the doctor, hits him in the face, smashes his head on the concrete overpass wall and throws the doctor over the side of the bridge. George looks around, gets on his bike, and leaves the scene.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Nighttime] (A staff of waiters are working at the dining room table when the doorbell rings. Gabrielle answers the door to her model friends. They all scream when they see each other and gather together for a group hug.) Gabrielle: "Hi!" All Three Models: "Hello!" Model: "Oh, my god! You're pregnant!" (They all kiss and hug Gabrielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (There's a knock on the door.) Gabrielle: "Bree? It's Gabby!" Bree: "Honey, it's open. Come on in." Gabrielle: "Hi. My, uh, friends just left, and I was hoping you could come over and cut me out of this thing." Bree: "How was your little reunion?" Gabrielle: "It was, um, weird." Bree: "Weird?" Gabrielle: "Well, Allison's mad because she's losing jobs to fourteen-year-olds, Holly is on a strict diet of cruciferous vegetables, and Yasmin is undergoing a new embryonic facial treatment that probably causes short-term memory loss. You know, I just stood there the whole night trying to remember why we were ever friends. And I couldn't." Bree: "You know, honey, people change." Gabrielle: "Yeah, but that's the thing. They haven't changed. That's who they've always been. I've changed, and I honestly don't know how." Bree: "Well, maybe Susan, Lynette, and I have had a good influence on you." Gabrielle: "I doubt that." Bree: "Come on. When I finish up here, I will come over with my sewing kit and cut you out of that." Gabrielle: "All right, but hurry up, because I've been having to pee since hors d'oeuvres. Are you free to go shopping tomorrow? I figured it's probably time I bought some clothes that actually fit." Bree: "Well, I know a store that carries maternity clothes with designer labels." Gabrielle: "I like the sound of that. Thanks." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Nighttime] (Gabrielle enters her darkened house. She goes into her kitchen and sees the freezer door is open. She closes it and leaves the room, not seeing the open ice cream carton on the counter.) (Gabrielle washes and dries her hands in the bathroom, then sees an empty ice cream bowl sitting in her walk-in closet. She picks it up and turns around. Caleb is standing there. Gabrielle screams and throws the bowl at Caleb. Caleb bats the bowl away. Gabrielle runs out of the room and down the stairs She trips and falls down to the bottom on the steps.)
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(Still lying on the floor, she watches as Caleb walks down the steps. Caleb stands over her and stares down at her, then walks out the door.) (Later, police are at Gabrielle's house, investigating the scene. An officer is talking to Bree who is standing outside. Paramedics are carrying Gabrielle out on a stretcher.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, cameras are tools designed to capture images." (The paramedics start wheeling Gabrielle past Bree.) Gabrielle: "Wait." (Gabrielle whispers something to Bree.) Bree (to the paramedics): "Uh, she needs me to get something for her. I will be right back." (Bree runs inside.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But in truth, they can capture so much more." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Karl is staring at at picture of Susan. He tucks the picture into a book.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They can uncover hidden longing of men who should no longer care." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Leonard and Norma's House] (Leornard and Norma are watching the video the Scavos gave back to them.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They can reveal the extraordinary secrets of the most ordinary marriages." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Bree runs outside to the ambulance. She gets inside and places a photo in Gabrielle's hand. Gabrielle looks at the photo of the sonogram and holds it to her heart. She begins to cry.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Most amazing of all, cameras can quietly and clearly reveal to us our dreams. Dreams we didn't even know we had." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X08 - The Sun Won't Set -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on desperate housewives... Tom:I'm going to be a stay-at-home dad. Lynette:Huh? Mary Alice Voiceover:Some reversed roles... Matthew:I've been thinkin' about you. Danielle:So you came to ask me out? Mary Alice Voiceover:Some were welcomed in... Danielle:'Cause I'll say yes. Mike:I've moved on.You should do the same. Mary Alice Voiceover:Some were shut the door... George:Will you marry me? Mary Alice Voiceover:And some... Bree:Huh?
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Mary Alice Voiceover:...never got the chance... Gabrielle:Aah! Mary Alice Voiceover:...to find out what they really wanted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Betty Applewhite was a gifted woman. Everyone had always said so, ever since she was a child." (Flashback to Betty as a young girl playing scales on the piano as her piano teacher watches.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Her first piano teacher praised her dexterity. Her first college professor applauded her sense of rhythm." (Flashback to an older Betty playing skillfully at the piano as her college professor watches.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Her first symphony conductor hailed her dramatic flair." (Flashback to a young adult Betty playing a concerto on the piano as her symphony conductor watches.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House-Present Day] (A neighborhood watch meeting is taking place.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But Betty was no longer a concert pianist. She was now just a woman with a secret. One she was determined to keep by any means necessary." Mrs. McClusky: "I'm not a bit surprised that somebody broke into Gabrielle's house. Wisteria Lane is an easy target. It's not like the police patrol around here." Tom: "We still have the neighborhood watch." Mrs. McClusky: "Oh, the neighborhood watch is a joke. When was the last time any of you went on patrol, huh? Now, I put security lights on my house. I say it's time that we hire professional security." Lynette: "Well, that sounds expensive." Mrs. McClusky: "Could you really put a price on your kids' safety? Well, you probably could." Lynette: "Look, McClusky, I am as worried as everybody else in this neighborhood, but I just don't think that we-" (Betty and Matthew whisper to each other.) Matthew: "We've got to stop this." Betty: "And say what, we're against security?" Matthew: "But if they find Caleb first..." Betty: "Hush, Matthew. I'm trying to think." (They turn back to the rest of the group.) Mrs. McClusky: "I'm not talking about a bunch of vigilantes, I'm talking about trained men who know when to shoot." Tom: "Do we really need professional security?" Mrs. McClusky: "Are you all gonna wait until somebody else is attacked? I think it's time to take a vote on armed security. I've had enough. All those in favor..." (Betty gets up and begins playing the beginning of Beethoven's 5th Sympthony on the piano. Everyone quiets down and turns to look at Betty.) Betty: "Oh, sorry. Things were just getting so dramatic." Tom: "Wow, you're really good." Mrs. McClusky: "We were taking a vote here." Matthew: "She was a concert pianist." Betty: "Well, I dabbled a bit." (Betty continues playing. Everyone watches her. Matthew smiles. Mrs. McClusky looks annoyed.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Betty Applewhite was a gifted woman, and the greatest of all her gifts was her timing." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Inside] (Gabrielle is sitting in a darkened house in her robe. She opens the curtains.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Once they've suffered a miscarriage, some women sit alone in the dark for hours. They refuse to go out in the light of day, afraid to face the possibility that life will go on." (Gabrielle walks over to her bed where there are baby clothes spread out all over.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"They hold onto reminders of their unborn child and dream of what might have been. Yes, this is how some women react when they've suffered such a loss." (Gabrielle grabs a bag and begins putting all the baby clothes into it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gabrielle Solis was not one of those women." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Outside] (Gabrielle comes out onto her porch carrying the bag of baby clothes, her keys, and her purse. She walks to her car and sees Bree, Lynette, and Susan approaching.) Gabrielle: "Hi, guys." Bree: "Hi, honey." Lynette: "Hi." Bree: "How are you?" Gabrielle: "I'm fine. Thank you for the messages. I'm, I'm sorry I haven't had time to return calls." Susan: "We all cleared our schedules. We thought maybe you could use some company." Bree: "So we're gonna go to my house. I made banana bread, and we'll put on a fresh pot, and just talk about anything." Gabrielle: "That sounds so nice. It's just I'm booked solid today. My head's gonna explode. Can I take a rain check?" Lynette: "Sure." Gabrielle: "Thanks. Thanks for understanding." Bree: "Okay, well, uh, I will call you tonight and we'll figure out a time later in the week." Gabrielle: "Well, I'll tell you what, since it's my schedule that seems to be the problem, why don't I just figure out a time and call you?" Susan: "Okay." Gabrielle: "I just, I have so many errands to run and a million thing to return." (She holds up the bag from the baby store.) Bree: "Oh, honey, there's no reason why you and Carlos can't try again." Susan: "You'd be an amazing mother." Lynette: "You should hold onto that stuff for a while." Gabrielle: "Yeah, you know, I would, but the store has this strict thirty-day return policy." (She gets in her car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Jail -Visiting Room] (Carlos enters, escorted by guards. He has chains on his wrists which are connected to a long chain and his ankles chained.)
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Gabrielle: "Carlos, what happened?" Carlos: "I've had a rough couple days. After you told me about the, the baby, I kind of lost it." Gabrielle: "Carlos, your hands." Carlos: "I ripped my mattress open." Gabrielle: "Jeez, how are you feeling today?" Carlos: "They're injecting me with this tranquilizer thing. I think it's doing the trick. We never even talked about names. I had my top five all picked out." Gabrielle: "Honey." Carlos: "You want to hear 'em?" Gabrielle: "No, I'm good." Carlos: "You never thought about names?" Gabrielle: "Oh, well, it was a little soon for that, don't you think? I mean, how can you name something the size of a walnut?" (He looks at her sweater.) Carlos: "Is this new?" Gabrielle: "Do you like it? I picked it up on the way here." Carlos: "You just lost a baby." Gabrielle: "We all grieve differently." Carlos: "You seem to be taking it pretty well." Gabrielle: "I go shopping, you rip toilets out of the wall. Different strokes." Carlos: "Are you even sad?" Gabrielle: "Oh, please. What do you think?" Carlos: "Honestly? I don't know." Gabrielle: "Of course, I'm sad. It's a sad situation. Now, let go of me." \ Carlos: "Oh, man." Gabrielle: "Honey, are you okay?" Carlos: "I think my tranquilizer's wearing off." Gabrielle: "Well, let's get you another round." (She waves the guard over.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House - Outside] (Mike is on a ladder, cleaning out his rain gutters. Susan walks over and stands at the bottom of the ladder.) Susan: "Hey, Mike. So my mom's wedding is in a couple days, and I know you sent back that little card saying you were coming and that you preferred beef, which, actually I changed to fish for you 'cause I tasted the beef. Anyways, I know that was before we, you know..." (Mike drops a bunch of dead, wet leaves at Susan's feet.) Mike: "Send your mom my apologies, but I won't be attending." Susan: "Oh. I hope that's not just because of us not being us anymore. I mean, we could be together at a wedding and it wouldn't have to be weird." Mike: "It'd be weird." Susan: "Of course. Yeah, I see that." (Mike drops more wet leaves at Susan's feet.) Susan: "Oh, uh. So what have you been doing lately?" Mike: "Oh, just the usual." Susan: "Well, I've been writing a book. It's sort of autobiographical. Really been forcing me to reexamine some of the different things that have made me me, like the fact that my mother had me so young, and I
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never knew my dad. Big stuff like that. I told you about my dad, right? He was a Merchant Marine, and his platoon was killed in the Battle of Hanoi?" Mike: "That's strange." Susan: "Why?" Mike: "Well, Hanoi wasn't enemy territory. There wasn't a battle there." Susan: "Are you sure? That's what my mom said." Mike: "I'm pretty sure, yeah. The Merchant Marines don't fight. They deliver supplies on ships." Susan: "Oh. Well, clearly I have more research to do. So, what do you think? My life story, would you rush out and buy a copy?" Mike: "Susan..." Susan: "Yeah?" Mike: "You really need to step back." (Mike throws more leaves to the ground. Susan jumps back just in time from getting hit with them.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Lynette drives up. Porter and Preston are tossing a football to each other in the street.) Lynette: "Porter, Preston, what have I told you about playing outside after dark?" Porter/Preston: "It's not dark." Lynette: "Does your dad know you're out here?" Mrs. McClusky: "Don't worry, I've been watching 'em. They keep setting off my motion sensors. I ought to send you half my electric bill." Lynette: "You do that. Okay, guys, come on over here. On the sidewalk. Stay there. Not on the street. Thank you." (Lynette goes inside. Tom is vacuuming.) Lynette: "Hey." Tom: "Hi, babe." Lynette: "I'm home. Could you come here a sec?" Tom: "Sure. What's up?" (Lynette points out the window. Tom sees Porter and Preston playing ball outside in the dark.) Porter/Preston: "Block me, come on!" Tom: "Damn, they must have snuck out again." Lynette: "Again? How often does this happen?" Tom: "Boys, get in here now! Honey, you know how slippery they are. It's like trying to herd cats." Lynette: "Tom, it's nine o'clock at night." Tom: "Guys, upstairs now. Let's go. Into pee-jays, into bed. Honey, they're fine. You just, you worry too much." Lynette: "And for good reason. Someone could have driven off with them, and you wouldn't have even noticed." Tom: "They were in the front yard. God, when I was their age, I used to hop on my bike, disappear for hours. My mom never batted an eye." Lynette: "Yeah, well, that was a different time. You have to be more vigilant. There was a break-in on this street." Tom: "I was at the neighborhood watch meeting, remember?" Lynette: "I'm sorry. I've been doing this for seven years. Trust me. You have to have eyes in the back of your head." Tom: "The two in front work just fine, thanks." Lynette: "Really?"
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Tom: "Mm-hmm." Lynette: "Where's Penny?" (Tom looks around frantically, then sees Penny fast asleep on the couch.) Tom: "See? Right where I left her." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is clipping coupons out of the newspaper at the dining room table. She turns a clipping over and sees a picture of herself. She matches it to the paper and sees it is an engagement announcement for her and George.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pharmacy] (Bree puts the paper in front of George.) Bree: "How did this get in the paper?" George: "I, I was going to call you." Bree: "We discussed this. We agreed to go slowly." George: "I, I was going to call and cancel after our talk, but things just got so hectic, I, I forgot." Bree: "Rex has only been dead for seven weeks." George: "So?" Bree: "So, I don't want every woman in this town talking about me behind my back." George: "I'm sorry, but isn't the damage done?" Bree: "Well, fortunately, people only read the announcements when there's nothing in the front page, and the headline today was about some catastrophic flood in Sri Lanka." George: "Oh, so we lucked out." Bree: "Yes, we did. Now, when the time comes to go public with our relationship, I need you to discuss it with me first. I'm the bride, after all. It's only appropriate." George: "Okay. I will need you to wear that ring, though." Bree: "The ring?" George: "You're not wearing it. Where is it?" Bree: "It's in my purse." George: "Oh, good. Please put it on." Bree: "But if people see it..." George: "They'll assume that you're wearing your wedding ring." Bree: "Maybe, but why risk it?" George: "Because a ring tells would-be suitors a woman is spoken for. A naked hand invites unwanted attention." (Bree gets the ring out of her purse.) George: "Here. Let me." (He slips the ring on her. Bree sees someone in line behind her.) George: "Will that be all, Mrs. Van de Kamp?" Bree: "Uh, yes, I think so, Mr. Williams." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (A rough-looking Hispanic man drives up in front of Gabrielle's house in a battered old car. He gets out of his car and opens his trunk, which contains a shovel, tire iron, tools, an ice chest and various other things. He has a switchblade knife in his hand which he throws into the ice chest which contains sodas. He takes the ice chest out of the trunk.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Inside] (Gabrielle is doing yoga in her living room. She looks behind her and sees the stranger on her porch. He stands at the front door looking through the glass. Gabrielle grabs the phone.) Gabrielle: "Ahhh! Oh, my god! What do you want?" Hector: "Hey, hey, it's cool!" Gabrielle: "No, it's not cool! Who the hell are you?" Hector: "Carlos sent me!" Gabrielle: "I'm gonna call the police!" Hector: "Name's Hector. I met Carlos inside." Gabrielle: "Inside what? You mean, you mean, in prison?" Hector: "He told me what happened, asked me to come by, and keep an eye on you. Can I come in?" Gabrielle: "No! No, you can't come in!" Hector: "I brought a cooler. I'll camp out here." Gabrielle: "No! Uh-uh! I can take care of myself, okay?" Hector: "Okay." Gabrielle: "Okay?" Hector: "Yeah, I, I get it. You need your space." Gabrielle: "Yes. Yes, I do. I need my space. Thank you." (Hector turns and leaves. He gets in his car and Gabrielle locks the dead bolt on the door. He smiles and drives away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] Tom: "Come here. I want to show you something." Lynette:: "Okay." Tom: "Come here." Lynette: "Hi, guys." Tom: "I thought about what you said. Don't want you to worry. So I had a little talk with the boys." Lynette: "Oh." Tom: "Okay, guys, what do we do if a stranger asks us to take a ride in their car?" (Porter raises his hand in the air.) Tom: "Porter." Porter: "We run away and call nine-one-one." Tom: "Good man. Right, but what if that stranger says, 'Hey, I know your mommy and daddy.' What, Preston?" Preston: "Still run away." Tom: "Yes. Okay." Lynette: "Can I ask a question?" Tom: "Yeah, by all means." Lynette: "What if the stranger is nice and not scary? Yes?" Preston: "Run away and call nine-one-one." Lynette: "So, what if the stranger says they're gonna take you to the circus for pizza and elephant rides? Don't look at your dad. Eyes on me. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?" Porter: "We...run away?" Tom: "Yes! Snap. Okay, to the kitchen. We are having ice cream tonight." Lynette: "You're smiling like that actually meant something."
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Tom: "Lynette, come on. We worked on this all afternoon. They get it." Lynette: "Give me a break. You know our kids. I love them dearly, but that goes in one ear and out the other." Tom: "I'm gonna have some ice cream" Lynette: "Tom, you're not off the hook here." Tom: "Lynette, I can keep my children alive. When you left this morning, there were four. When you came home, there were still four. When you come home and there are only three, then you get to lecture me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Outside] (Bree is trimming a tree in the front yard when a young woman walks up.) Leila: "Excuse me. Are you Bree Van de Kamp?" Bree: "Uh, yes, I am." Leila: "My name is Leila Mitzman. I hope I'm not interrupting?" Bree: "Can I help you?" Leila: "This may sound odd but I felt I should see you. I read in the paper that you're engaged to George Williams." Bree: "Oh, well, that announcement was a bit premature." Leila: "But you and George are involved? In a romantic relationship?" Bree: "Yes." Leila: "Then we need to talk." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Inside] (Leila and Bree are sitting on the couch. Bree pours tea for Leila.) Leila: "We'd been dating for six months when he asked me to marry him. From the moment I said yes, George got so possessive, and when he found out my ex lived just down the street, George accused me of seeing him behind his back. And then one night, I got a call from the police. Someone had set my ex's car on fire. I could never prove anything, but I knew it was George. I left him the next day." Bree: "Well, I don't know what to say." Leila: "I know. It's upsetting." Bree: "Yes, it is. To have a complete stranger come into my home, drink my tea, and then try to turn me against one of the sweetest men I have ever known." Leila: "Honey, you got to trust me. George is a whack job, and you should get while the getting's good." Bree: "I think it's time for you to leave." Leila: "One time, I was talking to a guy at a bar, and when we got home, George slapped me. What do you say to that?" Bree: "I say, given your overall demeanor and your freewheeling use of epithets, I'm willing to bet that he was provoked." Leila: "When I read that you were engaged to George, I felt it was my duty to let you know he's crazy. But now that I've met you, I can see it's a match made in heaven." (She storms out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Park - Daytime] (Sophie is wearing a wedding veil and carrying flowers.) Susan: "I'm here. Hi, Morty, Reverend Hopkins. I'm sorry I'm late to your rehearsal." Sophie: "Oh, it's okay. It's all right. You're here now. It's fine. Go in front of me. Okay, Reverend, hit it!" (The minister turns on a tape player and the wedding march plays.)
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Susan: "Mom, can I ask you a question?" Sophie: "You've got to march, Susie. Got to march." Susan: "Oh. Oh. I was just researching my book and I, I found the strangest thing. No one with my father's name was ever a Merchant Marine." Sophie: "Did I say Merchant? Well, I just meant the regular Marines." Susan: "Oh, well, yeah, I thought you probably did. So I checked that, too, and he wasn't there and so I called the V.A., and there is not a single record of anyone named Harrison Ross in Vietnam." Sophie: "This is not the time, Susie." Morty: "What's, what's the holdup, ladies?" Susan: "Well, I'm sorry to upset you, Mom, I just, don't you think that's weird?" Morty: "What's, what's weird?" Susan: "Well, there's no record of anyone with my dad's name in the armed services." Morty: "Oh, well, there it is." Susan: "There what is?" Sophie: "Morty, just go on back up there." Morty: "Look, I'm, I'm not gonna say that I knew this would happen, but I knew this would happen." Susan: "Mom, I need answers." Sophie: "Do you have to do this now? You are ruining my wedding rehearsal." Susan: "Well, you've been married four times. I think you got it down." Sophie: "I will not stand here and be attacked!" (Sophie turns and walks away. Susan grabs the veil.) Susan: "Mom, don't walk away from me." Sophie: "What do you want me to say? You want me to say I'm a bad mother? Fine! I'm a bad mother! Are you happy now?" (Sophie runs away, crying.) Susan: "Mom! Mom." (Susan chases her mom. Morty is standing with the minister. The minister stares at Morty.) Morty: "Yes, yes, I, I know what I'm getting into." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parking Lot - Daytime] (Morty walks toward his car.) Susan: "Morty? Morty, have you seen my mom?" Morty: "Yeah. Yeah, she seemed, uh, she seemed pretty upset. I, I think, I think she took a cab home. You need, you need a ride?" Susan: "I need to you tell me the truth about my father." Morty: "Hop in. When, uh, when I was in Korea, I was stationed outside of, uh, Pusan, and we'd, uh, we'd, we'd get these, these passes, you know, and we'd, and we'd go into town, and, you know, we'd have a, have a few beers, and we used to call it R and R in, in military lingo." Susan: "Yeah, well, I know what R and R means. So what does this have to do with my father?" Morty: "Well, that's, that's what I'm getting to. Um, anyway, there were these, these young ladies. Professional ladies if you know what I mean." Susan: "Morty, can, can we just move this along?" Morty: "Okay. Long story short, it's just I never figured that my first time with a woman would, would be in an alley, behind a Korean noodle stand with, with my fatigues down around my, my ankles." Susan: "Okay, again, what does this have to do with my father?" Morty: "We, we've all done things that, uh, you know, that we're ashamed of. I mean, you know, we all, we all
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have secrets. Your, your, your father wasn't a war hero. And he, he wasn't in Viet, Vietnam." Susan: "Well, why would my mother tell me that?" Morty: "Uh, Sophie wasn't, wasn't married to your father. I'm, I'm not, I'm not sure she even, she even knew his name." Susan: "Are you saying that I'm the result of my mother having a one-night stand?" Morty: "Well, like, like I said, we've all, you know, we've, we've all done things that we're, that we're ashamed of." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pharmacy] (George is stocking the shelves. Bree approaches.) Bree: "George." George: "Bree. This is a surprise." Bree: "I'm sorry to drop by unannounced, but I just had this disturbing visit from an old friend of yours. A Leila Mitzman." George: "She, uh, shouldn't have contacted you." Bree: "Well, she did, and she said some pretty horrible things about you." George: "You should know that she's a renowned liar." Bree: "That's what I thought, at first, but then having had time to think about it, I can't understand why she'd go to so much trouble. I mean, what would her motive be?" George: "She's obsessed with me. She still wants me. Wasn't it obvious?" Bree: "No." George: "The woman is absolutely certifiable. What's more, I can prove it." (Later, George is in front of the pharmacy computer, pulling up records.) George: "Leila was a customer here. Even though she's no longer welcome, we still keep her prescriptions on file." (He hands her a print out.) Bree: "Fluoxetine, one hundred milligrams. Risperidone, two fifty milli... I'm sorry. What is this?" George: "One is an antidepressant for mood swings. One is an antipsychotic to control hallucinations. Like I said, she's a very troubled lady." Bree: "Well, then why did you date her in the first place?" George: "In the beginning, you're blind to the flaws, right?" Bree: "That's true, in the beginning." George: "So we're good?" Bree: "Yeah, of course we are." (Bree walks away. She goes behind a rack where George can't see her and removes the engagement ring, putting it in her purse. George, at the computer, deletes the name "Leila Mitzman" from the screen and types in "Ethel Hollings.") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle come out the front door onto the porch. Hector is sitting there.) Hector: "Your mail came." Gabrielle: "You said you were leaving." Hector: "No, I said I was giving you space. I did. I was watching you from my car." Gabrielle: "Look, the guy who broke in stole ice cream. I don't think I'm in any danger. So you can go. I don't need you." Hector: "Carlos says you do. Where are you going?"
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Gabrielle: "Shopping. Not that it's any of your business." Hector: "You sure like to shop." Gabrielle: "Yes, I do." Hector: "That's all I've seen you do the past day and a half." Gabrielle: "Uh-huh." Hector: "All that shopping must be making up for something." Gabrielle: "Excuse me?" Hector: "You know, Carlos has your number. He says you're one tough cookie. So tough, you don't have to deal with your feelings. He's a perceptive man." Gabrielle: "He thought I was cheating with two gay guys. Are you sure you want to go with perceptive?" Hector: "Well, let's see. It's been what, a week since you lost your baby?" Gabrielle: "Yeah, so?" Hector: "So, I never heard of shopping out the pain." Gabrielle: "Why is everyone on my back about this? I will deal with my loss my way, okay?" (Gabrielle gets into her car and drives away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Nighttime] (Matthew comes downstairs, putting on his jacket.) Betty: "Where are you going?" Matthew: "Ah, I, uh, I just thought I would go out and look some more. I'm gonna try the park." Betty: "In the middle of the night?" Matthew: "Well, yeah. Well, he hasn't really been showing his face in the daylight, has he? Or would you rather we just let Caleb run loose? He could be in trouble. Or hurting another girl." Betty: "He didn't hurt Mrs. Solis, Matthew. He was just hungry." Matthew: "Yeah, well, I wasn't talking about Mrs. Solis, but you know that." (Matthew walks out. When he gets to the park, he walks around as though looking for someone. He walks around a bush and smiles. Danielle is sitting on the bench waiting for him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Reception Room] (Sophie is fixing the flowers. Susan walks in, carrying a dress in a dry cleaner's bag. ) Sophie: "So, are you still going to be my Matron of Honor?" Susan: "Of course I am. I'm not gonna pretend like I'm not still a little freaked out. I am. But I did a lot of thinking about it this morning, and I, I think I understand. You wanted to protect me, and you thought I needed a hero. I had one. You." (They hug.) Sophie: "I was always so worried I would screw you up." Susan: "Well, I am screwed up, but it wasn't your fault. Entirely." Sophie (laughing): "Oh." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette goes over to Stu's desk.) Lynette: "Hey, Stu. You busy?" Stu: "No, just updating my blog." Lynette: "'Cause I've got an important assignment for you." Stu: "Great. I'm really ready to take on more responsibility around here."
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Lynette: "Yeah, I applaud that, but what I need is for you to help me to prove a point to my husband." Stu: "Oh. You want to make him jealous." Lynette: "Uh, no. Actually, I need you to kidnap my children." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] (Porter and Preston are playing outside. Tom and Lynette are watching them from inside.) Twin: "Stop hitting me!" Tom: "Okay, so what am I supposed to be looking at?" Lynette: "Just wait for it. Okay, here he comes." Tom: "What's going on?" Lynette: "I'm just trying to prove a point." (Stu drives up slowly to the Scavo twins playing in their front yard.. Stu, from his car, yells out to the boys.) Stu: "Hi, little boys." Tom: "Hell, who is that?" Lynette: "It's just Stu from our office." Stu: "You guys want to go for a ride?" Tom: "And is he abducting our kids?" Lynette: "Maybe." Tom: "This is crazy." Lynette: "Why? Are you worried they might get in?" Stu: "We can go to the, uh, carnival. You like carnivals?" Porter/Preston: "We're not allowed to talk to strangers." Tom: "Run, boys!" Stu: "So, uh, why don't you boys get in the car..." Tom: "Run away. Run!" Stu: "Get in the car, and I'll give you some candy." Porter/Preston: "Yeah! Candy!" (The boys run up to Stu's car.) Tom: "Why aren't they running away?" Lynette: "Well-" Tom: "This is not the time to be smug. Clearly our sons are idiots." (The twins are sitting in the back of Stu's car while he is giving them candy. Mrs. McClusky approaches and taps at Stu's window. Stu rolls his window down.) Mrs. McClusky: "Hi." Stu: "Hi." (Mrs. McClusky zaps Stu in the neck with a Taser gun. Stu shrieks.) Lynette: "Oh, my god!" Stu: "Ow!" (Mrs. McClusky opens the back door while holding the Taser on Stu's neck.) Mrs. McClusky: "Run, kids, run! Run! No, you don't." (Stu climbs out of the car.) Stu: "Oww." Mrs. McClusky: "You pervert! Oh, no. You're not going anywhere!" (Lynette and Tom run outside. Mrs. McClusky has Stu writhing on the ground.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding Reception]
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(Morty speaks into the microphone.) Morty: "And um, anyway, after, after we, we wrap this shindig, I'm whisking my new bride, uh, away on a four-month cruise around the world. I, I would have been happy with a, a weekend in Vegas, but you know-" (He makes a sound like a whip cracking.) Morty: "Anyway, here, here she is. My, um, my, my beautiful bride." Sophie: "I want to thank everyone for coming, and especially my Morty, who's helped me be a better person. And I want to thank my amazing daughter, Susan, and tell her how much I appreciate her love and respect, because I'm a horrible person, and she deserves so much better than me." Morty: "Honey, honey." Sophie: "No, no, no, no, no. Susan needs to know the truth. Your father was not a one-night stand. He was thirty-three, and he was married, and he was my boss. When I told him I was pregnant, he broke it off, and he never spoke to me again. But he gave me my beautiful, incredible daughter, and for that, I want to thank Addison Prudy." Susan: "Oh, my god. Do you know where he is?" Sophie: "I have no idea. I swear, if I knew, I, I would tell you." Guest: "Uh, I know Addison Prudy. He runs the feed and supply store at Third and Sutherland. Uh, Prudy's a fairly common name of c..., so." Susan: "Is that him?" Sophie: "Yes." Susan: "Are you saying that all this time my father has been alive, and just right across town running the supply and feed store?" Sophie: "Susan..." Susan: "I can't believe this!" (Susan runs out. Julie follows.) Morty: "You're not, you're not still, still seeing him, are you?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Restaurant - Nighttime) (Bree and George sit at a table.) George: "Is something wrong? You've been so quiet all evening." Bree: "No, no, I'm just tired, that's all." George: "Care to dance? It might pep you up." Bree: "I don't think so. But thank you, though." George: "Bree, where is your ring?" Bree: "Oh, um, the, the stone is loose. So I'm gonna take it to the jewelers. But don't worry, it's safe." George: "This isn't about Leila, is it?" Bree: "No. No. It's like I told you, the stone could just pop off at any second." George: "Well, I don't care. Please put it on." Bree: "What?" George: "I want you to wear it." Bree: "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to." George: "Why not?" Bree: "Because I don't feel like it. And this is the last time we're gonna talk about this, okay?" (A man walks up to their table.) Ty Grant: "Excuse me, ma'am. We don't allow members of Zeta Beta Kappa in here." Bree: "Ty! Ty Grant. Oh, hi! What are you doing in town?" (Bree stands up and hugs Ty.)
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Ty: "Visiting my folks." Bree: "Oh, my goodness. Oh, George, this is Ty Grant. We used to date in college. Ty, this is George, um, he's a good friend of mine." (George shakes Ty's hand.) George: "Actually, we're engaged." Ty: "Bree, you look fantastic. You haven't aged a day." Bree: "Ty, would you like to dance?" Ty: "Sure. I'd love to." Bree: "Let me take your coat." (Bree and Ty go out onto the dance floor. George watches them. He opens Bree's purse and takes out the ring, then goes onto the dance floor.) George: "I need to cut in." Bree: "George, would you please sit down? You're being rude." Ty: "Am I in the middle of something?" George: "Well, at least put on the ring." Bree: "No. George, I don't want to." (George grabs Bree's hand.) George: "We are engaged. You have to wear it!" Ty: "Hey, knock it off, man." Bree: "George, stop it." (George punches Ty.) George: "I'm sorry. I just, we're engaged." Bree: "See, the thing is, I don't think we are anymore." George: "Bree." Bree: "Please, you should go." Ty: "I'm really sorry." (George walks back to the table. He places the ring on Bree's purse and puts money on the table. He sees the valet parking ticket sitting in Ty's jacket and takes it and the ring.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Valet Parking] Valet: "Oh, hi." (He takes the ticket and points a few feet way to a Porsche convertible.) Valet: "Right over there, sir. Management likes us to keep the nice cars out front." (George gets into the car and drives away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Hector is sitting on Gabrielle's porch. He opens his switch blade knife and cuts up an apple. Gabrielle walks up.) Hector: "Afternoon. New hairdo?" Gabrielle: "So what if it is?" Hector: "It looks nice, that's all." Gabrielle: "You know, I also got a facial, and later on, I'm gonna get a pedicure and an eyebrow wax, so there." Hector: "It's fine with me." Gabrielle: "No, it's not, because I know what you're thinking." Hector: "Yeah?"
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Gabrielle: "You know what? I am tired of you judging me. What is it gonna take to get rid of you, hmm? What's your last name?" (Gabrielle takes out her checkbook.) Hector: "Ramos." Gabrielle: "Ramos. Here is one thousand dollars. I won't tell Carlos you didn't stick around. It'll be our little secret." Hector: "I just got out of prison. I'm not exactly set up with a bank account. Can we go to your bank and cash this?" Gabrielle: "And then you'll leave?" Hector: "Hey, it's a grand." (Later, Gabrielle sits in the passenger seat of Hector's car.) Hector: "Buckle up." Gabrielle: "You don't have a, a window thingy." Hector: "Nope." Gabrielle: "You don't have a door handle, either." (Hector locks the doors from his side.) Hector: "Nope. But I do have a confession to make. Carlos didn't really send me to protect you." (Hector speeds away with Gabrielle locked in his car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Park - Daytime] (Hector pulls the car onto an empty field.) Hector: "Go figure. No one else in the park. We got it all to ourselves. Perfect." (Hector gets out. Gabrielle appears frightened. Hector comes around and opens Gabrielle's door.) Hector: "Why don't you go find us a good spot? I gotta get something out of the trunk." (Gabrielle takes off running.) Hector: "Hey, where the hell you going?" (Gabrielle stops running and looks at Hector who is standing there, holding a red balloon.) Gabrielle: "You're not gonna kill me?" Hector: "I hadn't planned on it. Besides, if I was gonna kill you, I wouldn't use a balloon. It would take too long." Gabrielle: "What am I supposed to think? You lie about protecting me and then you lock me in that heap without door handles so I can't get out." Hector: "Carlos sent me to help you with your grief." Gabrielle: "You're kidding, right?" Hector: "No. Look, I know a little something about loss. It can take you to some real dark places, especially if you don't face it head-on, like seventeen years in a six-by-ten prison cell. Dark." (Hector hands her the balloon.) Gabrielle: "What's this for?" Hector: "The balloon represents the spirit of the life lost. By letting it go, you're acknowledging the pain you feel and releasing it at the same time." Gabrielle: "Okay, that's ridiculous. Besides, I don't feel what you think I'm feeling." Hector: "Then it should be real easy." Gabrielle: "Fine, if I do this, will you go?" Hector: "Yeah." Gabrielle: "Okay, should I say something?" Hector: "If you want to."
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Gabrielle: "Not really, no." Hector: "It's cool." (Gabrielle stands there, still holding on to the balloon.) Hector: "Anytime." Gabrielle: "This is stupid. I didn't even want this baby." Hector: "Yeah." Gabrielle: "And I would've been a terrible mother." Hector: "If you say so." Gabrielle: "If it was a boy, I was gonna name it Charlie." Hector: "Yeah?" Gabrielle: "And a girl, Aurora." Hector: "Those are nice names." Gabrielle: "Thank you." (Gabrielle releases the balloon and watches it float away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House - Nighttime] (In the living room, Bongo begins growling and barking. He runs to the front door.) Mike: "What is it, boy?" (Lights go on outside. Mike looks outside and sees Caleb running by. Caleb stops at parked car, trying to find an unlocked door. Mike runs outside. Caleb pounds on the car in frustration. He runs and Mike tackles him. Mrs. McClusky come running with her Taser. Mike is holding Caleb down.) Mrs. McClusky: "What's going on out here?" Mike: "Call the police!" Mrs. McClusky: "You need me to zap him?" Mike: "Just call the police." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Police car lights are flashing. Two officers are escorting a handcuffed Caleb to the police car.) Mike: "Is that the guy who broke into your house?" Gabrielle: "Uh, I don't know. I can't see him." (The officer turns him toward the crowd and shines a flashlight on his face.) Gabrielle: "Yeah, that's him." Mary Alice Voiceover:"In a world filled with darkness, we all need some kind of light." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Empty Field - Nighttime] (A car is on fire. George, holding the engagement ring, watches the car burn.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Whether it's a great flame that shows us how to win back what we've lost-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lynette's House - Nighttime (Tom stands on the porch, watching the twins play outside.) Twins: "Two, four, six, eight..." Mary Alice Voiceover:"-or a powerful beacon intended to scare away potential monsters..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prudy's Feed Store - Nighttime] (Mr. Prudy is locking up. Susan, sitting in a dark car across the street, watches him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Or a few glowing bulbs that reveal to us the hidden truth of our past. We all need
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something to help us get through the night." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (All the neighbors watch as Caleb is driven away in the police car. The car passes Betty and Matthew. Betty holds her finger up to her mouth, gesturing silence. Caleb nods.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Even if it's just the tiniest glimmer of hope." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X09 -That's Good, That's Bad -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on desperate housewives... Susan:All this time my father has been right across town running the feed store? Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan found her real father. Nina:Ed wants to make the final decision.Ed Furarer ,Lynette Scoval. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette met her new boss. Carlos:I've learned my lesson. Ok, when I get out of here.Everything's gotta be different. Mary Alice Voiceover:Carlos promised to change his old ways. Bree: Dr. Goldfine has concerns about us being together and I'm starting to thinking he's right Mary Alice Voiceover:While Bree discovered George's true colors. Bree:George, I don't want to! George:We are engaged! You have to wear it! Bree:I don't think we are any more. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Anyone who'd ever been to a party at Bree Van de Kamp's thought of her as the perfect hostess because Bree knew how to take care of her guests. Her dinners were always served promptly." (Flashback to Bree serving dinner to a guest.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Her liquor always flowed freely." (Flashback to Bree pouring wine for her guests.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And her anecdotes were always enjoyable." (Flashback to Bree's guest laughing at a story Bree is telling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But on this night, the perfect hostess was about to find herself-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House -Present Nighttime] (Bree is serving coffee to her guests around her dining room table.) Female Guest: "Shhh. Where's that music coming from?" Mary Alice Voiceover:"-in a very imperfect predicament." (Singing from outside can be heard.) Bree: "Ah, I'm not sure." (Bree walks to the window. Upon opening the curtain, she sees George singing into a microphone. A loud speaker on top of a van parked behind him is amplifying his voice and the music.)
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George (singing): "Don't give up on us, baby. We're still worth one more try." (Bree angrily closes the curtains. Calmly, she turns to her guests. George's singing can be heard in the background.) Bree: "If you'll excuse me for just one minute." George (singing): "I know we put a last on by." (Bree leaves the room and goes outside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Outside] (Bree faces George.) George (singing): "Just for a rainy evening." Bree: "George! I have guests! What do you think you are doing?" George: "We had a tiff. I upset you and now I'm just trying to make things right again." Bree: "It was not a tiff! We broke up! It's over!" George (singing): "We can still come through!" Bree: "I am not kidding. If you do not knock it off, I'm going to call the police!" George: "All right, go ahead. (singing) "I really lost my head last night!" (He stops singing and yells into the microphone as Bree walks away.) George: "Call the police! If they drag me away, I'm only gonna come right back here. I want you to hear the whole medley! Come on!" (Bree enters her house to find all of her guests standing in the doorway of the dining room watching her.) Bree: "Why don't you all take your seats? Uh, dessert is about to be served." (Her guests go back to the dining room. Bree rushes upstairs.) (In her bedroom, Bree pulls a long case out from under her bed. A shotgun and shells are in the case. She loads one shotgun shell and cocks the shotgun one-handed. She walks to the window.) George (singing): "I really lost my head last night. You've got a right to-" (George sees Bree at the window, aiming the shotgun toward him. He freezes. Bree shoots the speaker off the top of the van. Her guests inside are startled by the gun shot. George stares toward Bree in disbelief.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Bree knew how to take care of her guests. Especially those who weren't invited." (Bree smiles down at a shocked George.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (A young boy dressed as a cowboy with a white hat peeks out from behind a bush.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Good guys wear white hats and bad guys wear black." (Another little boy peeks out from a different bush wearing a black hat. They both come out and start shooting each other with their toy guns.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"This is how children distinguish between good and evil." (The little boy in the black hat pretends to be shot and falls down.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"But they soon learn that bad guys always don't look so bad." (They get up as George comes riding by on a blue bike. George waves and they wave back.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And sometimes they seem downright friendly. That is until you get to know them a little bit better." (George continues up to Bree's house. Bree is walking to her car. George stops beside her.) George: "Hey, fancy seeing you here. I was just out for a little ride." Bree: "Don't lie to me, George. You've been riding up and down this street for the last hour."
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George: "I don't want to do this, Bree, but you won't return any of my phone calls." Bree: "So stalking me is plan B?" (Bree gets into her car. George gets off the bike and goes to her car window.) George: "Bree, I know I messed up. I know I got some issues to work on, but I'd be willing to see a therapist if that's what you want. I'll do anything but how can I show you that I, I can change if you don't give me a second chance? Come on. You know I'm not a bad person." Bree: "I do know that, but I'm just not sure you're a good one, either." (Bree starts her car and drives away quickly.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette is making a presentation in the conference room to Nina and Ed. Her staff is also there.) Lynette: "And we integrated the corporate logo into the jungle background creating not only an ad for the clothing, but for the company, itself." Ed: "I don't get it." Lynette: "What, um, don't you get?" Ed: "The whole idea just kinda makes my head hurt." (to Nina) "Is it just me?" Nina: "No, nuh uh. You're right, it stinks." Ed: "Sorry guys. Back to the drawing board. Well, I got tickets to a game." (to Nina) "Nina, you do whatever you have to do to keep us afloat here." Nina: "Got it." (Ed leaves the room.) Nina: "Looks like it going to be another late night at the office. Nice work, everybody. Thank you." Lynette: "Could you can the attitude, Nina?" Nina: "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" Lynette: "You're being rude and it's totally out of line. You know how hard we all worked on this." Nina: "Yeah, I do." Lynette: "Nina, I think I speak for everyone here when I say we are sick and tired of your abuse. Frankly, you owe us an apology." Nina: "Is, is this true? I mean, I would be mortified if I thought that I hurt any of you. If anybody feels like I owe them an apology, please speak up. You? You? You? Gee, Lynette, I guess you were mistaken. All right, let's recap, shall we? Stinky pitch, working late, no apologies." (Nina leaves the room.) Lynette: "Guys, we talked about this. What happened to standing up for ourselves?" (Stu enters carrying a basket of muffins.) Stu: "Hot muffins! Any takers?" Lynette: "No, Stu! These people don't deserve muffins." (All the staff members bow their heads.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle comes in carrying a shopping bag. The phone rings.) Gabrielle: "Hello." Man's Voice: "Hello. My name is Mark Martinez. Uh, I'm the assistant warden down at Fairview County Jail. Is Mrs. Solis available?" Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah, this is her. Did, did something happen with Carlos?" Man's Voice: "At seven forty-three this morning, your husband held two guards at gunpoint and successfully escaped."
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Gabrielle: "He what?" Man's Voice: "I take it you had no prior knowledge he had planned to do this." Gabrielle: "No, of course not! He's a moron!" Man's Voice: "We have every reason to believe your husband may come to find you. We believe him to be armed and very, very horny." (Carlos walks into the room, talking on the phone.) Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos: "Surprise, baby. I got paroled early." Gabrielle: "It's so good to see you!" (Gabrielle runs into his arms. Carlos picks her up.) Gabrielle: "What happened?" Carlos: "Well, there's this church group that helps out Catholic prisoners and they really, really stepped up for me." Gabrielle: "Well, what did they do?" Carlos: "They lobbied the Parole Board and it worked." Gabrielle: "Mmm. I guess I owe the Pope a thank-you note." Carlos: "Uh, less talking, more stripping." (Carlos pulls off his tie. Gabrielle begins to undress.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Prudy's Feed Store-Daytime] (Susan and Julie pull up in their car.) Julie: "Ah. Prudy's Feed Store." Susan: "Apparently he owns the place." Julie: "How are you gonna do it?" Susan: "What do you mean?" Julie: "I mean, how are you gonna tell him that you're his daughter?" Susan: "Oh, I'm not. Julie, the man abandoned me before I was born. I don't have a desire to have a relationship with him." Julie: "Okay, then I'm really confused why we're here spying on him." Susan: "I just want to see what he's like. And satisfy my curiosity and get it out of my system." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside Prudy's Feed Store] (Susan enters. Addison Prudy is helping a customer.) Addison: "Well, here you go. Now, you tell Charlie that Addison Prudy says drop in some time. I miss that ugly mug of his around here." Customer: "I will." (The customer leaves the store.) Addison (to Susan): "I bet I know what you're here for." Susan: "Oh?" Addison: "You heard about the give-a-way. Well, I got the cowboy hats right here." Susan: "Oh, oh, no. That's okay, you don't have to give me anything, really." Addison: "Relax. This is a promotional item. Didn't cost me a dime." (Addison brings a black cowbow hat over and puts it on Susan.) Addison: "There you go. Pretty as a picture." (Later, Susan comes running out of the feed store wearing the hat. She gets in her car.)
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Susan: "I have a Dad! He's great! He gave me a hat!" (Susan laughs and Julie smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos and Gabrielle are in bed.) Gabrielle: "Wow. That biting thing at the end totally blew my mind. Please tell me you didn't learn that in prison." Carlos: "Yeah, I didn't." (Carlos rolls over and closes his eyes.) Gabrielle: "Wait! I'm not done with you yet." Carlos: "Just give me ten minutes, please." Gabrielle: "What is wrong with you? You are totally useless after sex." Carlos: "I know. I should probably get my thyroid checked out." (Gabrielle gets out of bed and picks up the plastic bag Carlos brought back from prison. She pulls out some letters.) Gabrielle: "Who is Sister Mary Bernard?" Carlos: "Hey, those are private, gimme!" (Gabrielle moves out of reach.) Carlos: "She's this nun, okay? She visited me in prison a couple times. She's part of the group that got me early release. So now can I please have them back." (Gabrielle reads the letter out loud.) Gabrielle: "'When you walk with God everyday, you learn that Truth is understood in the Mind, but Faith burns in the Heart'?" (Gabrielle laughs. Carlos grabs the letter.) Carlos: "You don't know what it was like in there. All right? Twenty hours a day, eight by ten cell, just you and your mind." Gabrielle: "So pretty much just you." Carlos: "It forces you to re-examine everything. I was a very bad person for a very long time. But now all that is gonna change. Because I'm on a new path." Gabrielle: "A new path?" Carlos: "I am going to live a virtuous life. I want to do right by you, by my mama, and by my God." Gabrielle: "What the hell did they do to you in that prison?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Daytime] (Lynette is dealing cards to Susan (with cowboy hat on), Gabrielle, Bree, and Edie.) Lynette: "All right. This is my last hand, then I gotta go." Bree: "All ready?" Lynette: "I left a proposal on my desk at work. I have to go over it tonight, or you-know-who's gonna have my head." Everyone: "Nina!" Bree: "You know this gainful employment thing is really starting to cut into our social life." Lynette: "Well, if one of you would just agree to raise my kids, I wouldn't need a job. Any takers?" (Edie laughs.) Lynette: "Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Ante up." Edie: "Speaking of child abandonment, when are you gonna tell your father that he has a bouncing middle-aged baby girl?"
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Susan: "Soon. I don't wanna ambush him. I'm gonna ease into it." Gabrielle: "How do you ease into, 'hi, I'm your illegitimate daughter'?" Susan: "Well, actually, there's a 'help wanted' sign in the window so I was thinking about getting a job there. And, you know, he would get to know me and I'm sure he would like me and I would like him, and then one day he would say, 'You're like the daughter I never had' and I'd say, 'Well, actually, now that you've mentioned it.'" Edie: "Okay, I'll go first. That is the most idiotic plan I've ever heard of." Susan: "Why?" Edie: "Because it all hinges on him responding to your personality. And let's face it, you are an acquired taste." Lynette: "Edie! I am sure Susan's father will like her just fine." Susan: "Thank you." Bree: "I just hope you don't expect too much from this relationship. I mean aside from DNA, you might find that you don't have that much in common." Susan: "I know. But I gotta find out if there's something there. I've always wanted a dad. I mean, I know not having one affected me." Gabrielle: "Of course it did. Everyone needs a strong male role model." Edie: "No, they don't. I grew up without a father and it didn't affect me one bit." Lynette: "Edie, how old were you when you lost your virginity?" Edie: "Point well taken." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency-Late Nighttime] (Lynette comes into a darkened, empty office. She goes into her office and picks up a notebook off her desk. Across the hall, she sees Stu, wearing only his boxer shorts, running into Nina's office, carrying two bottles.) Stu: "Hey, look what I found in Ed's fridge." (Lynette quietly walks over to Nina's door.) Nina: "Oh. Oh." (Lynette peeks in the room and sees Nina, almost naked, on her desk, with Stu on top of her. Nina moans.) (Then she opens her eyes and sees Lynette standing in the doorway.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency - Daytime] (Lynette walks in.) Lynette: "Hey, Stu." (She walks over the coffee table where Nina is standing.) Lynette: "And Nina!" Nina: "Hey, Lynette. Can I, um, see you for a second?" Lynette: "Sure." (They go into Lynette's office.) Lynette: "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Having sex with the support staff. That's a big no-no. Ed's been known to fire people for that sort of thing." Nina: "Lynette, I know that we've had our little differences. But, at the core, I believe that we are both good people, both smart women who are just trying to make it in this vicious male dominated jungle. Okay, what do you want? Do you want a raise? Want a better office?" Lynette: "My demands are simple. I want you to be nicer." Nina: "What?" Lynette: "No more belittling, berating, rude sarcasm."
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Nina: "And in exchange I get your silence?" Lynette: "Yeah. Pretty sweet deal, don't you think?" Nina: "Ah, I'll see what I can do." Lynette: "Great!" Nina: "Okay." Lynette: "And I'm gonna take your parking space." Nina: "Hmm?" Lynette: "I kid the Nina!" (Nina laughs and walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Carlos is dressed in a suit, drinking coffee in the kitchen when Gabrielle walks in, wearing a robe.) Gabrielle: "You're up early." Carlos: "I'm going to Mass." Gabrielle: "Huh?" Carlos: "Yeah." Gabrielle: "But it's not even Sunday." Carlos: "They have a Mass every day of the week." Gabrielle: "Really? When did they start doing that?" (A horn honks outside.) Carlos: "That's Sister Mary Bernard. Did you see where I put my Bible?" (Gabrielle walks to the front door and looks out the window. There is a beautiful blonde lady standing by the car outside.) (Carlos comes back downstairs with his Bible. Gabrielle blocks his way.) Carlos: "What?" Gabrielle: "I saw your nun!" Carlos: "So?" Gabrielle: "So, she's hot! She's a hot nun!" Carlos: "You can't seriously be jealous." Gabrielle: "You mean to tell me that this miraculous conversion of yours has nothing to do with fact that the woman standing outside is a knock-out?" Carlos: "That's what I'm telling you." (Carlos leaves. Sister Mary waves to Gabrielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency - Daytime] (Lynette walks in. A new receptionist waves at her.) Pat: "Um. Who are you here to see?" Lynette: "I'm Lynette Scavo. I work here. Who are you?" Pat: "Pat. It's my first day." Lynette: "Oh. Well, welcome. What happened to Stu?" (Later, Lynette enters Nina's office.) Lynette: "You fired Stu?" Nina: "Oh, Lynette. Hey. Come on in." Lynette: "I can't believe you would sink so low. I'm going to Ed." Nina: "Ed knows. This, this is Stu's employee evaluation file, right here. This thing is full of black marks." Lynette: "Come on, Nina, we both know why you got rid of him."
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Nina: "Well, good luck proving it. Oh! And on a completely unrelated topic, there's gonna be another round of firings coming down the pike. Ed's been after me to trim the fat." Lynette: "You threatening me?" Nina: "No! No, uh-uh. It's just that it's gonna be my job to evaluate those that are team players and those who are not. Just a little heads up. Just trying to be nice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prudy's Feed Store - Daytime] Addison: "I don't know, you seem kinda over-qualified." Susan: "Why, cause I went to college?" Addison: "No, because you finished high school." Susan: "Well, I just want to change my life and every since I was a little girl I've always liked horses and the outdoors. Well, I'm just fascinated with feed." Addison: "Well, I suppose we can give you a try. What? Something on my nose?" Susan: "Oh, no. I was just looking at the color of your eyes." Addison: "You were?" Susan: "Yeah. They're just like mine. They're, they're nice." Addison: "Carol sent you to test me, didn't she?" Susan: "What? Who's Carol?" Addison: "You go back and tell my wife if a private detective couldn't fool me, well, you're not gonna either." Susan: "I don't know what you're talking about. I just came in to get a job." Addison: "A cute little thing like you struts in here, flirts with an old codger like me, how dumb do you think I am? Hey, look at you. Your pretty hair, you gotta sexy walk, you gotta tight little ass!" Susan: "Oh! I'm your daughter!" Addison: "What?" Susan: "Back in the sixties, you had a brief relationship with a young girl, Sophie Bremmer. She got pregnant and had a baby and that baby was me,which makes you my father. Hi." (A very stunned Addison walks toward the back of the feed store. Susan follows.) Susan: "Mr. Prudy, I'm sorry. I didn't want to spring it on you like this. Where are you going? You see when I found out you were alive, and, and that we both lived in the same city, I just wanted to meet you." (Addison goes in the back room and closes the door.) Susan: "Mr. Prudy!" (She knocks on the door.) Susan: "Mr. Prudy. Hello." (Susan enters the back room.) Susan: "Hello!" (Mr. Prudy is laying on the ground, unconscious.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Hospital] (Dr. Goldfine is in traction with a broken leg and broken arm.) Dr. Goldfine: "And knock wood, the doctors say I'll keep improving, slowly but surely. So, how are you?" Bree: "Good, good. Seeing friends. I just started co-chairing a charity event for the Junior League and um, and I broke up with George." Dr. Goldfine: "Really?" Bree: "Dr. Goldfine, do you ever really cure people, I mean, even though they're really crazy?" Dr. Goldfine: "I'm not a big fan of that word. People either have mental health or they don't. When they do have a problem, you treat them as if they had any other disease. And sometimes they get better."
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Bree: "Well, when I broke up with George, I saw something in his eyes. It was a kind of malevolence, and it just didn't seem to me to be the sort of thing you could cure." Dr. Goldfine: "I don't believe in evil either. We're all just people." Bree: "How can you not believe in evil? A man just threw you off a bridge for no reason." Dr. Goldfine: "Exactly. He didn't know anything about me. He just rode up on his little blue bike and tried to hurt me. Do I think he's wicked? No. He's disturbed. His problems probably stem from a chemical imbalance. I believe with enough time and treatment, I could help him." Bree: "Did you say a blue bike?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] (Stu is sitting on the front porch. Lynette comes out carrying coffee.) Lynette: "Black?" Stu: "Mmm." Lynette: "Great." Stu: "I gotta say, Lynette, I was surprised to get your call. I didn't even think you'd notice I was fired." Lynette: "Oh course I noticed! You are one of my favorites and I thought it was really unfair how it all went down." Stu: "It wasn't that unfair. I was late all those times. And I broke the copier, and I stole all those paper clips." Lynette: "See, I don't think that's why you got fired." Stu: "Really? That's what Nina said." Lynette: "Word got out that you and Nina were-" Stu: "Shagging?" Lynette: "Being intimate. And Nina fired you to keep Ed from finding out." Stu: "You're kidding." Lynette: "And that wasn't right of her. She shouldn't have been having sex with you. She's upper management. Technically, it's sexual harassment." Stu: "But, I was into it! I consented!" Lynette: "Stu, you're a gopher. You can't consent to anything. So, I think you should talk to Ed about getting your job back." Stu: "Why would he care?" Lynette: "Oh, he'll care. He doesn't want you suing him for millions of dollars." Stu: "Wow! So would Nina get in trouble?" Lynette: "Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. There is a possibility she'd get a slap on the wrist. So, you'll think about talking to Ed?" Stu: "Definitely!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Hospital] (Addison is lying on a bed in an examination room.) Addison: "The nurse told me you were waiting out there." Susan: "I just wanted to see if you were okay." Addison: "Sorry if I spooked ya. I've got a bad heart. It's genetic, so you might want to get that checked." Susan: "Oh, okay." Addison: "Look, don't take this wrong, but, uh, I need you to clear out." Susan: "What? I just got here." Addison: "My wife is on her way. The thing is, if Carol finds out that I've got an adult love child around, that's gonna be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I mean, it's not exactly the only time I've strayed."
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Susan: "Charming." Addison: "But, believe me it was nice to finally get to meet you. You're a lovely woman. Hon, you really need to leave now." Susan: "It's, it's Susan. My name is Susan. And, no, that's not good enough." Addison: "Look, I'm trying really hard to be nice about this but you're backing me into a corner." Susan: "It's not like I want an invitation to Thanksgiving. I just wanna have coffee, or a lunch now and then." Addison: "I can't start up something with you. It wouldn't be fair to my wife." Susan: "Oh, that's funny. So, all the times you were cheating on her, that was okay, but having lunch with your daughter, that just crosses the line? I just want a chance to get to know you." Addison: "Well, I don't want to know you. I've already got a family. Years ago, your mother and I came to an understanding. I gave her a bunch of money and she agreed to keep things quiet." Susan: "Well, I wasn't consulted on that little arrangement." Addison: "I don't think it's fair to punish me for a mistake I made years ago." Susan: "Is that what you think of me? I'm a mistake?" Addison: "If that's what you need to hear, yeah, that's what I think." (Carol enters the room and hugs Addison.) Carol: "Oh Addy. Addy. Oh. Are you okay?" Addison: "I'm good, baby." Carol: "The kids are on their way over." (Carol turns and sees Susan.) Carol: "Hi, I'm Carol. You are-" Susan: "Do you want to tell her, or should I? I'm your husband's guardian angel." Carol: "Excuse me?" Susan: "My name's Susan. I was buying some horse feed when Mr. Prudy had an attack behind the counter. I gave him CPR and called nine-one-one." Carol: "Oh." (Carol hugs Susan.) Carol: "Thank you. Thank you. Oh, when I think what, what could have happened." Susan: "Well, I'm gonna get out of here. Mr. Prudy, I want you to hurry up and get back on your feet." (Susan kisses Addison on the cheek and whispers to him.) Susan: "I'm not giving up." (She straightens and turns to Carol.) Susan: "I'm gonna be back in the store next week. I never got that darn horse feed." Addison: "I guess I'll put a bag aside for you." Susan: "You do that." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[George's Street - Daytime] (George is returning home on foot, carrying two bags of groceries. He sees police cars and policemen all around his house. He's sees an officer placing his bike into the back of a police van which is loaded with cardboard boxes. George gets behind a bush and drops his groceries. He takes out his cell phone.) George: "Bree, it's me. The police are at my house. They're going through my stuff. What the hell is going on?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (George's voice is on the answering machine as Bree stands next to it.) George: "Look, I know you are there, pick up. Did you have anything to do with this? Bree! Bree!"
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(Bree picks up the phone.) Bree: "George, I know what you did to Dr. Goldfine. And I can see now just how sick you really are, so please just turn yourself in and that way you can get the help that you really need. George!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[George's Street] (George hangs up the phone. He picks up his bags and starts walking the way he came. Then, he throws the bags down and starts to run.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is setting the table. Carlos walks in.) Carlos: "What's going on?" Gabrielle: "Oh, I invited Sister Mary Hot Pants over for lunch." Carlos: "What?" Gabrielle: "You said she touched your soul so I just want to make sure her hands are clean." (The doorbell rings and Gabrielle goes to answer it.) (Later, Gabrielle, Carlos, and Sister Mary sit around the dining room table.) Gabrielle: "So Sister Mary, tell me what's it like meeting men in prison. Do you bond with all the convicts or was Carlos just special?" Sister Mary: "Well, of course, Carlos is special, but our mission does a ton of evangelical work with several prisons." Gabrielle: "Oh, I get it. Sort of like, today's convict is tomorrow's convert." Sister Mary: "Something like that, but mostly I do charity work. Are you two involved in any charities?" Gabrielle: "Currently? No." Carlos: "But we should be. I mean, let's face it, Gabby. Buying more stuff isn't gonna make our lives any better.'' Sister Mary: "Exactly. Money can't buy happiness." Gabrielle: "Well, sure it can. That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep 'em from rioting." Carlos: "Gabby!" Gabrielle: "It's a joke. Lighten up." Carlos: "Can you believe this? I'm married to a woman so selfish, she makes fun of the entire concept of charity." Gabrielle: "You are a hypocrite. The money you spent to buy your sports car could buy a mud hut for every peasant in Ecuador." Carlos: "Okay, you're right. But I'm evolving, starting right now. Sister, I would like to donate my car to your mission." Gabrielle: "What?" Sister Mary: "Carlos, are you sure?" Carlos: "Absolutely. Gabrielle and I don't need two cars. We can share one." Gabrielle: "Share? What if you have the car and I need to go shopping?" Carlos: "We're gonna cut back on shopping too." Gabrielle: "Okay, I think we should all just calm down a little bit!" Carlos: "I'm gonna get you that pink slip right now." Gabrielle: "Carlos!" Carlos: "We're doing this." (Carlos leaves the room. Gabrielle gets up also.) Gabrielle: "I have to, uh..." (hands over a bottle of wine) "Uh, here have some of this. No one needs to know."
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(Gabrielle follows Carlos upstairs. Carlos is searching the drawers for the pink slip.) Carlos: "Don't even bother. You're not talking me out of this." Gabrielle: "I'm not here to talk you out of anything. Check in this drawer. Carlos, I wanna apologize for the way I've been acting. I mean, here you are trying to turn your life around, and all I can think about are my stupid jealousy issues." Carlos: "Yeah, well, let's just get back down there." Gabrielle: "No, I mean it. I'm sorry. I wanna be a better person, too. I'm sick of being bad. Forgive me?" Carlos: "You're not a bad person." Gabrielle: "Really?" (She kisses him.) Carlos: "No, of course not." Gabrielle: "That's so sweet. I feel so close to you right now." Carlos: "Gabby." Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Guess I am bad." Carlos: "Look, we've got a nun downstairs." Gabrielle: "She can wait five minutes. We're giving her a car." (Gabrielle pushes Carlos on the bed and falls on top of him. He groans loudly.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette gets off the elevator. Employees are scrambling around, some carrying boxes, one sitting with his head in his hands, some arguing.) Lynette: "Hey, Pat, what's going on?" Pat: "I'm not sure. Ed keeps calling people into his office. I think people are getting fired." Ed: "Lynette." Lynette: "Yeah." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ed's Office] Ed: "Lynette, Nina's out. You're in. You are our new V.P. of accounts." Lynette: "I am?" Ed: "I just gave her the ax, along with a bunch of other people." Lynette: "Why? What happened?" Ed: "Our old pal Stu just filed a sexual harassment suit against the company." Lynette: "He did what?" Ed: "He hired a fancy lawyer who threatened to go to the press. I had no choice but to pay him off. He had a video of him and Nina together." Lynette: "Okay. I get Nina, but why are you firing everybody else?" Ed: "Stu's taking us to the cleaners. If I don't cut back on staff, the next round of paychecks are gonna bounce." Lynette: "Oh, god, Ed. I am so sorry." Ed: "Well, it's not your fault. We'll get through this. You and me together. Oh, can you run down to the art department? Someone's gotta can Jeff and Elizabeth." Lynette: "Yeah. Sure. I'll, I'm gonna go and take care of that." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Nina's Office] (Nina is standing there, drinking wine.) Nina: "Hey. Congratulations."
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Lynette: "This is not what I wanted. I just wanted you to be nicer." Nina: "You know what? I used to be nice. But our boss, I'm sorry, your boss is incompetent and selfish and has the attention span of a poodle. I mean, from day one, I have been the only one around here keeping this place from crumbling down around his stupid ears." Lynette: "Oh, Nina, come on." Nina: "This is the truth here. Nice is a luxury that I gave up along with vacations and relationships and eating at home. This job sucks you dry. So you better kiss those four little kiddies of yours good-bye because you have just adopted the neediest little child in the world. Here. You're gonna need this more than I do." (She hands Lynette the glass and winks.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle comes downstairs, wearing a robe.) Gabrielle: "Hi. Carlos will be down in a little while. We had an intense talk. He's resting." Sister Mary: "Yeah, I overheard some of your talk." Gabrielle: "Sorry. He's such an animal but since we have a couple of minutes, why don't we, uh, chat?" (Gabrielle takes Sister Mary outside to the porch.) Gabrielle: "Look, I don't mean any disrespect. It's just now that Carlos is home, we need to get back on our routine, and we can't do that if he keeps running off to church and charity bake sales. We need us time. Do you know what I mean?" Sister Mary: "I do." Gabrielle: "Oh, good. Good. So it would really help our marriage if you just backed off for a while, okay?" Sister Mary: "No." Gabrielle: "Huh?" Sister Mary: "I said no." Gabrielle: "I know what you said. I'm wondering why you said it."
Sister Mary: "Carlos is a diamond in the rough, a flawed man to be sure, but someone who is desperately searching for something to believe in. To satisfy your materialism, he ended up breaking the law. To deal with your adultery, he resorted to assault. As long as he's with you, he will never find what he's looking for." Gabrielle: "Well, I guess he should have thought of that before he married me." Sister Mary: "Some marriages are meant to be annulled." Gabrielle: "What the hell kind of nun are you? Look, if you try to come between me and my husband, I will take you down." Sister Mary: "I grew up on the south side of Chicago. If you wanna threaten me, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that." Gabrielle: "You listen to me, you little bitch. You do not want to start a war with me." Sister Mary: "Well, I have God on my side. Bring it on." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (George opens the door of his hotel room.) Bellman: "You called for a bellman?" George: "There's a charity dinner taking place downstairs. My friend, Bree Van de Kamp, is one of the co-chairs. Give her this note and walk away. If she comes up in the elevator, call me." (He holds out a wad of cash to the bellman, who smiles and takes it.) George: "You think you can do that?"
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Bellman: "Yes, sir." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Charity Event] (The bellman approaches Bree.) Bellman: "Excuse me, ma'am?" Bree: "Yes." (He hands her the note.) Bellman: "I was asked to give this to you." Bree: "Oh, thank you." (Bree opens the note which reads "Bree, I can't live with you thinking I'm a bad person. I've taken some pills. If you could do me one last kindness, please come up and say goodbye. I'm in Room # 617.") (Bree immediately calls the police department on her cell phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Police Department] Detective Barton: "Barton." Bree: "Hello, Detective Barton. This is Bree Van de Kamp. I need to talk to you about George Williams." Detective: "Yeah, I was just getting ready to call you, Mrs. Van de Kamp. My men are at his house right now and they've uncovered evidence that suggests Mr. Williams was responsible for your husband's death." Bree: "What?" Detective: "Yeah, we found Rex's prescription bottles and doctored potassium pills as well as some disturbing diary entries. Mrs. Van de Kamp?" (Bree hangs up and walks to the elevator. The bellman calls George.) Bellman: "Hello, sir. Yeah. She's, uh, on her way up." George: "Thank you very much." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (George is sitting at the table. There are many pills on the table in front of him. He begins taking the pills.) George: "She loves me. She loves me not." (Bree, in the elevator, stares at her reflection in the door.) George: "She loves me." (Bree begins crying and hitting the walls.) George: "She loves me not." (Bree slides down so she's sitting on the floor of the elevator.) George: "She loves me." (She pulls the 'top' button of the elevator.) (Later, George, in his room, is lying on the bed, eyes closed. He awakens suddenly and looks at his watch, lying next to him. Breathing heavily, he grasps the phone and pushes a button. ) George: "Operator, this is a bit embarrassing, but I've, I've swallowed some pills by mistake. I think you need to call an ambulance." (There's a knock at the door.) George: "Uh, uh, uh, they were, they were just vitamins. Yes. False alarm. I'm fine." (He hangs up.) George: "Door's open." (Bree enters and sees George lying on the bed, then the pills and liquor on the desk.) Bree: "Hey. What were you thinking, taking the pills?" George: "I didn't hurt Dr. Goldfine. For you to think me capable of that sort of violence..."
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Bree: "George. George!" George: "I'm sorry. It's the pills." Bree: "Why are you telling me this?" George: "Because maybe I don't have to die. I could face the police knowing that you would be there for me, that you'd stay my friend. Then I'll have something to live for." Bree: "And then we'll call an ambulance and they'll pump your stomach." George: "Yes." B(ree takes a chair and pulls it next to the bed. She sits down in it.) Bree: "I want to help you, but in order to do that, I need to forgive you, and, I can't do that until you admit what you've done." George: "I didn't push Goldfine." Bree: "Yes, you did. But that's not what I'm talking about. You killed Rex. But I know it wasn't totally your fault because you're not well. So, if you'll just be honest with me, I can forgive you. It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll do it. But you have to, you have to tell me the truth." George: "Look, I'm in trouble here. We need to call someone." Bree: "Not until you admit what you've done." George: "I love you. Anything I may have done, I did for you. Because you wanted me to, you know you did." (He closes his eyes for a few seconds, then opens them and looks at her.) George: "We need to phone an ambulance." Bree: "I called them while you were asleep. They're already on their way." (He smiles and closes his eyes again.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle lies in bed, watching Carlos as he kneels and prays.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Sinners can surprise you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sister Mary's Bedroom] (Sister Mary is kneeling next to her bed, smiling, as she finishes praying and crosses herself. She extinguishes a candle that's next to her with her fingers.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And the same is true for saints." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Nina is in her office, packing her belongings and crying.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Hospital] (Addison in the emergency room with Carol holding his hand.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (Bree puts the chair back and walks out of the room after taking one last look at where George is lying on the bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And that anyone is capable of anything."
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~ The End ~
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- George Bree .. http://music.eng-corner.com/Song04/Song35.mp3
Don't Give Up On Us (David Soul) Don't give up on us, Baby Don't make the wrong seem right The future isn't just one night It's written in the moonlight And painted on the stars We can't change ours Don't give up on us, Baby We're still worth one more try I know we put a last one by Just for a rainy evening When maybe stars are few Don't give up on us, I know We can still come through I really lost my head last night You've got a right to start believing There's still a little love left, even so Don't give up on us, Baby Lord knows we've come this far Can't we stay the way we are? The angel and the dreamer Who sometimes plays a fool Don't give up on us, I know We can still come through It's written in the moonlight And painted on the stars
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We can't change ours Don't give up on us, Baby We're still worth one more try I know we put a last one by Just for a rainy evening When maybe stars are few Don't give up on us, I know We can still come through Don't give up on us, Baby Don't give up on us, Baby ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 2x10 - "Coming Home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives... Matthew: Did you leave the door open? Mike:Call the police! Mike:Is that the guy who broke into your house? Mary Alice Voiceover:Arrests were made... Gabrielle:Yeah,that's him. Susan:I just want a chance to get to know you. Addison:Well,I don't want to know you. Mary Alice Voiceover:Fathers were confronted... Gabrielle:Who's sister Mary Bernard? Gabrielle:You do not want to start a war with me. Sister Mary:Bring it on. Mary Alice Voiceover:Boundaries were drawn... Detective Barton:Mr. Williams was responsible for your husband's death. Mary Alice Voiceover:And everyone learned that sometimes justice is served... George:We need to call an ambulance. Mary Alice Voiceover:Without saying a word. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[George's House - Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:''There were many ways to tell Bree van de kamp was a lady.'' (Police cars and police are all around George's home. Bree is helped out of her car by a police officer.) Bree:''Thank you very much.'' Mary Alice Voiceover:''She was courteous to those around her,she moved with elegance and grace.'' (Bree enters George's house and Detective Barton approaches her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:''And she was very careful to never let others know what she was thinking.'' Detective Barton:''Mrs. Van de kamp,thank you for coming on such short notice.''
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Bree:''So what's happened?Have you had any luck finding George?'' Mary Alice Voiceover:''You see,like most well-bred women...'' Detective Sloan:''George is dead.He committed suicide last night at a hotel.'' Mary Alice Voiceover:''...Bree had something to hide.'' Bree:''Oh,um...well,um,it was very good of you to tell me in person,truly.'' Detective Barton:''Actually,uh,there's more.'' Bree:''More?'' (Detective Barton takes a package from a police officer and shows it to Bree.) Detective Barton:''Do you recognize this?'' Bree:''Those are my panties.How did you...'' Detective Sloan:''We assume mr. Williams stole them.'' Bree:''Where did you find them?'' Detective Sloan:''Mr. Williams had a room filled with,um...unsavory items.It was like a shrine.'' Bree:'"Unsavory items'?Well,what does that mean?'' Detective Sloan:''You don't want to know.'' Detective Barton:''Just so you're aware,the "daily tribune" is starting to sniff around this story.The editor's a good friend of mine.I'm pretty sure I can quash it,but you might want to tell your family what's going on,just in case.'' (Several officers walk in, carrying out a life-sized blow-up doll dressed like Bree.) Bree:''What is that?'' Detective Barton:''I am so sorry. You weren't supposed to see that.(to the officer) Mudge,get that out of here.'' Bree:''No,wait!Is that supposed to be me?'' Detective Barton:''Well...it's hard to say.'' Bree:''I don't understand. I mean what would George be doing with a life-size doll?Oh,dear lord.'' Detective Barton (to the officers): "Go ahead." Bree: "Oh, hold it. What are you gonna do with that?" Detective Sloan: "Well, until we close the file on Mr. Williams, she's considered evidence. We'll have to take her back to the station." Detective Barton: "I am so sorry about this, Mrs. Van de Kamp. I know how difficult all this must be." Bree: "Don't you worry about me, Detective Barton. I will be just fine." (Bree turns and walks outside. The officers carrying the life-sized doll walk out behind her as the neighbors watch.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, there were many ways to tell that Bree was a lady, but the surest was to watch how she maintained her dignity in even the most undignified of situations." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's a story as old as time itself - the return of the prodigal son." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House - Outside] (Zach walks toward his home just as Paul comes outside. ) Mary Alice Voiceover:"And no matter how many times it's repeated or how the details might vary..." Paul looks up and sees Zach. They run toward each other. Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or how the names might change, the story always ends the same way, in the tender embrace of a loving father."
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(They embrace.) Zach: "Hi, dad." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House - Inside] (Zach is eating a sandwich.) Paul: "Susan Mayer told me she gave you some money to go to Utah." Zach: "Yeah, I had no idea where to look for you, though, and the money started to run out, so I thought that maybe you'd come back here." Paul: "You're a smart kid." Zach: "Can I ask you something?" Paul: "Of course. Anything." Zach: "Well, when you left town, Mrs. Tillman said that my real mother was a junkie from Utah." Paul: "That's right." Zach: "So, who's my dad?" Paul: "I don't know. It could have been anyone." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Outside] (Mike approaches and waves to Betty. He hands Betty a paper bag.) Betty: "Thanks for the faucet. This leak is driving me crazy. What do I owe you?" Mike: "Oh, it's no rush. Just pay me when I install it." (Edie jogs by. Matthew, clipping the hedges, overhears Edie and approaches.) Edie: "Hey, there! Have you seen today's paper?" Betty: "No, not yet." Edie: "There's a follow-up on that guy you caught last week." (reading) "Police seek help in identifying the mystery vagrant." Betty: "They don't know the man's name yet?" Edie: "They're not even sure that he knows how to talk." Mike: "Think they're going to hold him in the psych ward until they figure out who he is." Betty: "Well, I will certainly rest easier knowing that he's not roaming around our neighborhood." Edie: "See ya!" (She jogs off.) Betty: "Thanks again for the faucet." Mike: "Sure." (Mike walks away.) Matthew: "What are we gonna do about Caleb?" Betty: "Obviously, we are going to go and get him." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Monroe's Office] (The newspaper with Caleb's picture lies on the desk with a magazine clip filled with bullets. Mr. Monroe packs a small suitcase, picks up the clip, and puts it into the suitcase.) Monroe: "Where are my cuffs?" Jerry: "Bottom drawer." Monroe: "Ah." Jerry: "So, when do I tell people you'll be back?" Monroe: "Couple, maybe three days. What the hell's this?" Jerry: "It's the ball gag. I thought you wanted it."
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Monroe: "We do not recycle ball gags. Take a look at the teeth marks. It's gross. I'd like to think that we're better than that." Jerry: "Hey, Monroe? You sure you don't want any help? The guy's dangerous." Monroe: "He's a half-wit, Jerry. If I can handle you, I can handle him." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Outside] (The ladies are sitting around the porch, having coffee.) Lynette: "So, he poisoned Rex?" Gabrielle: "Sweet, little George Williams." Bree: "Well, it turns out he wasn't so sweet after all. Anyway, uh, there's a chance that some of this may wind up in the paper, so I wanted you to hear it from me first." Susan: "Bree, I'm so sorry." Lynette: "Yeah, like you haven't been through enough." Gabrielle: "God, and he's our pharmacist. It's enough to turn you holistic." Susan: "I know this sounds awful, but I'm kind of glad the guy's dead." Gabrielle: "Oh, I hope that little creep suffered." Bree: "Well, we'll never know." (A station wagon pulls up.) Bree: "That's Andrew back from Camp Hennessey. I've got to go." Lynette: "Does he know yet?" Bree: "He hasn't got a clue." Susan: "How do you think he's gonna react?" (Andrew gets out of the car and waves, then yells out to them.) Andrew: "All right, what the hell is going on? I know you didn't take me out of kid jail for my health." Bree (to the other women): "I'll get back to you, uh, later." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Inside] (Andrew and Bree are in the living room.) Andrew: "So, are the police sure?" Bree: "Yeah. They found data in George's personal computer and also records at his pharmacy that pretty much proves that he was poisoning your father." Andrew: "They say why he killed him?" Bree: "Well, the detective seems to think he was trying to get your father out of the way so he could marry me. Honey, please use your coaster. That's gonna leave a ring." Andrew: "My father was murdered because of you, so as far as I'm concerned, you no longer get to tell me what to do." Bree: "Andrew, that is not fair." Andrew: "You brought that psycho into our house! You sat him down at our table. Just how fair do you expect me to be?" Bree: "Andrew, George Williams fooled a lot of people." Andrew: "Yeah, well, he didn't fool me." Bree: "Andrew, I'm not trying to minimize my part in this. Believe me, I, I hate myself for what's happened." Andrew: "Good. Now we have something in common. Oh, by the way, I'm gonna call my friend Justin and have him come over and spend the night tonight." Bree: "Justin? Is he a friend of yours from school or church? What kind of friend is he?"
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Andrew: "The real good kind." Bree: "Andrew, it is inappropriate for you to have somebody over. You just got home." Andrew: "Like I said, you don't get to tell me what to do anymore." (Andrew walks upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan opens the front door to find Addison standing there.) Susan: "You came!" Addison: "Did I have a choice?" Susan: "Well, sure." Addison: "Because at the hospital you sounded like you were fully prepared to blackmail me into having some kind of a relationship with you." Susan: "That was just the heat of the moment, and once you get to know me, you'll understand that I am not the kind of person who could ever, ever resort to blackmail." Addison: "Well, I wish you'd made that clear in the hospital. Could've saved me a trip." Susan: "So are you coming in?" Addison: "Well, I got a lunch hour to kill." (Susan shows Addison photo albums in the living room.) Susan: "That was my first Halloween. I was two. What do you think I am?" Addison: "I don't know." Susan: "Oh, come on, just guess. You can tell." Addison: "Uh, a homeless person?" Susan: "No, Addison, I'm a chicken. See? Those are feathers hanging around." Addison: "Oh. I thought that was supposed to be trash. Uh, look, are we done here?" Susan: "You haven't even finished your coffee." Addison: "I got to get back to work." Susan: "Oh, well, we, we haven't even finished the high school years. I wanted to show you this one. This was from the father-daughter dance. I had to take my mother's hairstylist." Addison: "What do you want from me, Susan?" Susan: "Well, I, I just want to share more than our D.N.A. I, I wanted to have a relationship with you. None of this means anything to you?" Addison: "I'll take the hobo picture." Susan: "Actually, it was...fine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette drops a copy of the company insurance policy on Ed's desk.) Ed: "What's this?" Lynette: "Our company insurance policy. You ever bother to read it?" Ed: "I'm gonna say no, but don't tell." Lynette: "We have day care, Ed, day care. Do you realize that since we fired half the staff, you and I have barely left the building? My kids are forgetting who I am." Ed: "I hear you. I have a seventeen-month-old who I haven't actually seen awake in weeks." Lynette: "See? All we need is a minimum participation of, uh...sixteen kids. My kids, your baby, Sally in accounting has three, that new guy in Human Resources has two and we hit the mother lode with the Mormon receptionist. She just popped out number six. There. Sixteen." Ed: "Fifteen. My wife won't do it."
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Lynette: "Well, maybe if I talked to her." Ed: "No, I'm telling you, this day care thing is a non-starter. Fran won't even let anyone else hold the baby." Lynette: "Well, she won't just take some time off for a couple of hours?" Ed: "Lynette, if I hadn't cut that umbilical cord with my own two hands, I swear they would still be attached. But if you want to try, more power to you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church - Inside] (Gabrielle storms in.) Gabrielle: "You! What the hell did you do with my husband?" Sister Mary: "Please restrain yourself, Gabrielle. You're in a house of God." Gabrielle: "Tell me where he is!" Sister Mary: "Everywhere, of course." Gabrielle: "Not God, my husband." (Carlos walks in.) Carlos: "Gabby, what are you doing here?" Gabrielle: "I was just about to ask you the same thing. You were supposed to meet me at the spa." Carlos: "I was just helping Sister Mary with the mailings for the fund-raiser. The church is about to send a relief team to Botswana to help with the drought." Gabrielle: "That's your excuse? We missed side-by-side water massages. I had to book them weeks in advance." Carlos: "Okay, you missed a massage. It's unfortunate, but there are people dying in Botswana." Gabrielle: "There are going to be people dying in this church if you don't wipe that patronizing look off your face!" Carlos: "What is your problem?" Gabrielle: "Sister Mary, will you excuse us, please?" Sister Mary: "Certainly." (Sister Mary leaves.) Gabrielle: "We are supposed to be working on our marriage, Carlos, but we can't do that as long as our lady of perpetual stick-up-her-butt has you worrying about thirsty orphans." Carlos: "You're blaming Sister Mary for the tension in our marriage?" Gabrielle: "She wants us fighting. She wants you to get tired of me and walk out so she can have you all to herself." Carlos: "That's crazy. She's a nun." Gabrielle: "She may wear a habit and the beads, but at the end of the day, she is still a woman, just like me, and I know what I'm capable of." Carlos: "She is a woman, but she is nothing like you." (Carlos walks away.) Gabrielle: "Carlos, where are you going? Carlos!" (Gabrielle walks toward the door and passes Sister Mary.) Sister Mary: "You look tense, Gabrielle. Perhaps you should think about getting a massage." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (Addison is on the phone.) Addison: "Hi, Susan, it's Addison. Are you there?" Susan (on the phone): "Hi. Hi, yeah, I'm here." Addison: "Good. You're home."
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Susan: "Uh-huh. What's up?" Addison: "You know you were saying you wanted to be part of my life?" Susan: "Yeah." Addison: "I'm at the police station. I need you to come bail me out." (Later, Susan comes to pick up Addison.) Susan: "Solicitation? You were arrested for solicitation?" Addison: "It was entrapment. I'm the victim here." Susan: "But you were with a prostitute." Addison: "Apparently not. I asked her three times--"are you a cop?" They gotta tell you, but she didn't say "boo." I thought this was America!" Susan: "Addison, you just got caught paying for sex. Now is not the time to wrap yourself in the flag." Addison: "Don't give me that look. It wasn't my fault." Susan: "I'm sorry. How is trying to pick up a hooker not your fault?" Addison: "I was at the store, I was working on my computer and then, you know, they have these ads? They pop up on the screen and they ask if you want to have a hot date. Well, it gets a fellow worked up." Susan: "Can't you just go home and have sex with your wife like a normal person?" Addison: "She's a sixty-eight-year-old woman. That bell stopped ringing for me years ago." Susan: "Oh, my god. Stop. Right now. I'm gonna go pay this thing." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Addison's House] (Susan's car pulls up to the curb.) Addison: "So, uh, am I off the hook now?" Susan: "What?" Addison: "This whole father-daughter thing. We're done, right?" Susan: "Thursday, coffee at two. Be on time." Addison: "Don't take this the wrong way, but are you dim?" Susan: "Okay, I didn't exactly love what I found out about you today, but the goal was to learn, not to judge." Addison: "I bring the coffee. That crap you made burnt a hole in my stomach." (Addison gets out and walks up the street. Carol is in a parked car across the street, watching him. She watches Susan pull away and writes down her license number.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church Recreation Room] (Sister Mary is talking to an audience.) Sister Mary: "This is Tunde. He lost both his parents to this drought. In fact, water is always scarce in Botswana. The national currency is called the Pula or raindrop..." (Father Crowley walks up to Gabrielle standing in the back of the room.) Father Crowley: "Hello, Gabrielle. What brings you here?" Gabrielle: "I'm concerned about the drought in Kenya." Father Crowley: "Botswana." Gabrielle: "Yeah, and you?" Father Crowley: "Well, I'm organizing this relief trip. We leave in a week." Gabrielle: "Well, Bon Voyage, Father." Father Crowley: "I'm not going myself. We had to scale back our relief efforts this year. Even had to cut a few of the aid workers from the trip. Sister Mary, Sister Greta were so disappointed." (Sister Mary passes out flyers to the audience.) Sister Mary: "If you just want to hand some of those back..."
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Gabrielle: "Sister Mary was going on the trip?" Father Crowley: "Well, Sister Mary always goes for at least a few months, but when our funding came up short, she graciously offered to step aside, said there's plenty of God's work to do here." (Sister Mary drops some paperwork at Carlos' feet. He helps her pick them up as Gabrielle looks on.) Sister Mary: "Thank you, Carlos. Appreciate it." (Gabrielle watches as Sister Mary pats Carlos gently on the arm.) Gabrielle: "I bet she did. How much cash are you short, Father?" (In the audience, Carlos smiles at Sister Mary as she speaks.) Sister Mary: "We plan to set up a modern system of irrigation." (Father Crowley approaches Sister Mary.) Father Crowley: "I'm sorry to interrupt Sister Mary, but I have an announcement. I have just received a donation of eight thousand dollars, which means that Sister Mary and Sister Greta will be able to join our relief trip to Botswana. It just goes to show angels are everywhere." (He winks at Gabrielle. Sister Mary sees this.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Fran walks in pushing a stroller.) Fran: "Hi. I'm here to see Lynette Scavo." Lynette: "Oh, hi. Excuse me. Hi. I'm Lynette. You must be Fran." Fran: "Yeah, hi. Ed said you needed to talk to me. I couldn't imagine about what." Lynette: "Oh, well, come on in my office." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] Fran: "You want me to put my daughter in day care? But I'm a stay-at-home mom." Lynette: "I'm not suggesting that you sign her up for all day. Maybe just a couple of hours in the afternoon. Wouldn't that be great? Have some time to yourself, relax, unwind?" Fran: "I don't need to unwind. I love taking care of little Mindy." Lynette: "Oh, of course, of course, but we all have days when we're starting to lose it. Wouldn't it be nice to have some place to take her before you want to strangle her?" Fran: "I cherish every moment I spend with her, truly." Lynette: "Really? Yeah. Look, I'm gonna level with you. Parcher and Murphy can't have a day care center unless we have at least sixteen kids and without little Mindy, we only have fifteen." Fran: "Well, that's not my problem." Lynette: "Okay. Okay. I just thought I'd give it a shot." Fran: "Well, I wish I could help you, but I can't." Lynette: "Okay." Fran: "Lynette." Lynette: "Yeah." Fran: "Can I ask you something?" Lynette: "Yeah." Fran: "Why did you have kids if you weren't gonna raise them?" Lynette: "Excuse me?" Fran: "Well, I just don't understand women who say they want to be mothers, but then hand their kids over to glorified babysitters." Lynette: "I work because my family needs me to." Fran: "Oh, dear, I've upset you, and that wasn't my intention."
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Lynette: "I bet. Make no mistake, I'm a good mother." Fran: "That's the difference between us. I couldn't settle for being a good mother. I want to be a great one. Bye-bye." Lynette: "Bye-bye." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Outside, Morning] (Alberta, walking her cat, is frozen as she stares at Susan's garage door. The word "whore" is painted on her white garage door in red. Susan walks out to get her morning paper.) Susan: "Oh, hi, Alberta. How are you? Were you the one that sent out those neighborhood watch pamphlets? I was wondering if maybe you had any extra copies. Or I'll just borrow one from somebody else. Thanks." (Alberta walks away. Susan turns and sees the word written on her garage door.) (Later, Addison and Susan are looking at the door.) Addison: "Yep, looks like Carol's penmanship." Susan: "This is ridiculous. What does she think, we're having an affair?" Addison: "Well, she probably saw you drop me off yesterday, and she assumed the worst." Susan: "Well, now you're gonna have to tell her the truth." Addison: "Oh, no, no, no. I'd catch holy hell." Susan: "Oh, so you want me to catch it for you? I mean, you, yourself, said she's crazy. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and find my tires slashed." Addison: "All right. I'll talk to her." (Edie drives by in her convertible. She stops in front of Susan's garage.) Susan: "Hello, Edie. Do you have something you'd like to say?" Edie: "No. That pretty much says it all." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle walks in. Sister Mary and Carlos are sitting on the couch.) Gabrielle: "Sister Mary, what a lovely surprise." Sister Mary: "Well, I couldn't leave without saying good-bye, Gabrielle." Gabrielle: "Oh, that's so sweet. I'm really gonna miss you." Sister Mary: "I'm sure not half as much as you're gonna miss your husband." Gabrielle: "Huh?" Carlos: "Don't freak out. I'm going to Botswana." Gabrielle: "What?" Carlos: "Sister Mary needs a companion." Gabrielle: "What happened to Sister Greta?" Sister Mary: "I was gonna go with Sister Greta, but the region is so volatile, I decided I'd feel much safer with a male companion." Gabrielle: "Carlos, you can't do this. You can't just go to Africa." Carlos: "Honey, I'm only gonna be gone for two months. This journey is important for me. I want to be one of God's soldiers."
Sister Mary: "And you will be one, Carlos. After you see the devastation over there, you're never the same. You see how selfish your old life is and you just want to get rid of everything that reminds you of it. Oh, gosh. I should get going and start packing. We leave in less than a week." Carlos: "I should probably send a thank you letter to my parole officer. He's being a real mensch about this."
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(Carlos walks out and goes upstairs.) Gabrielle: "I may be a Catholic, but I am so not above slapping a nun." Sister Mary: "Go ahead. Do it. Just make sure you hit hard enough to leave a mark. Yeah. I didn't think so." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette is talking on the phone.) Lynette: "Kiss the kids good night and I'll see them in the morning. Okay, yeah. I love you, too. Bye-bye." (She hangs up the phone.) Ed: "I'm sorry about the day care thing, Lynette, but Fran hardly ever lets me hold the kid. You know, since day one, all I ever got was, "support the head, support the head." I think I know how to support a damn baby head. Oh, let's just, let's just do this. I don't want to be here all night." Lynette: "You're Mindy's father. You have a right to spend time with her." Ed: "I know, but what can I do?" Lynette: "You could stand up to Fran. If you don't, you'll just become more resentful, she'll get nuttier. And without a father figure, poor Mindy will grow up to be a stripper." Ed: "A stripper?" Lynette: "There's science to back that up." Ed: "You know what? You go ahead and push the button on this day care thing, Lynette, and count Mindy in. Yeah, I'll handle Fran." Lynette: "You're doing the right thing, Ed, for little Mindy." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] [Justin and Andrew are lying on Andrew's bed, playing video games. Andrew tries to kiss Justin.] Justin: "Dude, what if your mom walks in?" Andrew: "She won't." Justin: "You don't know that. Just wait 'till everybody's asleep. Seriously. I'll make it worth your while." Andrew: "You better. I wish she would walk in on us, just to see the expression on her face. God, I hate her so much." Justin: "Still, though, she's your mother. Don't you sort of have to love her?" Andrew: "Last year, when she found out that I like guys, she freaked out. She said that if I didn't change, I'd be going straight to hell, so since I knew that I couldn't change, it suddenly hit me that one day, my own mother was gonna stop loving me, so I decided to stop loving her first. That way, it wouldn't hurt so bad." Justin: "She didn't know what she was saying." Andrew: "Yes, she did, so now she's got to be punished." Justin: "How are you gonna punish her?" Andrew: "One day, she'll slip up, and I'll have something against her and when that happens, I'm gonna take her down so hard, she'll never get back up." Justin: "It may take you a while to get something on her." Andrew: "That's okay. I don't mind waiting for the things that I want." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Ed walks in carrying a toddler.) Ed: "Lynette, hey, hey. Look who's here." Lynette: "Hey! You know, the day care room won't be ready until next week at the earliest." Ed: "If I had waited, I might have lost my nerve. I had a window. Fran was in the shower, so I just grabbed the baby and ran."
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Lynette: "You took the baby without telling Fran?" Ed: "I refuse to be bullied by that woman. You were right. Mindy is my daughter. I wanted to spend time with her. I have that right." Pat: "Um, Ed, the lobby just called and your wife's on her way up and she seems pretty angry." Ed: "Oh, man. Here. Hold Mindy." Lynette: "Oh." Ed: "Let me handle this." Lynette: "Oh, I was planning to." (The elevator door opens. An angry Fran comes out.) Fran: "I thought Mindy had been kidnapped!" Ed: "I left a sticky note." Fran: "I wasn't looking for a sticky note, Ed! I was looking for my missing child!" Ed: "She's my child, too, and she's staying here, just a few hours a day." Fran: "You, give her to me." Ed: "No, I made a decision." Fran: "Yeah? Okay, watch me make a decision. I'm done with this marriage. I'm taking my baby and I'm getting on a plane to Pittsburgh." Ed: "You wouldn't dare!" Fran: "You think you miss Mindy now, wait till we're living with my mother!" Ed: "I'll fight you on this." Fran: "Yeah? Try me." Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Lynette saw her dreams of day care about to board a plane to Pittsburgh..." (Lynette walks toward her office with the baby.) Ed: "You're crazy, you know that?!" Fran: "Yeah! I'm crazy to think that you understand..." Mary Alice Voiceover:"...she decided this flight would have to be grounded." (Lynette goes into her office and locks the door.) Fran: "You don't scare me. Oh. Oh! What the hell is she doing?" (She sees Lynette locked in the office with her baby.) Fran: "Open up! Give me my baby!" Ed: "Good thinking, Lynette!" Lynette: "I am not on your side, Ed." Ed: "You're not?" Lynette: "No, I am on Mindy's side. She is the one caught in the middle, and I'm not letting you two have her until you calm down." Fran: "I want my damn child. Pat: "Lynette, I have Tom on line two." Lynette: "Pat, can you see here I'm holding a baby hostage? I will call back!" (Fran gets out her cell phone.) Fran: "All right, that's it. I'm calling the police." Ed: "Oh, for god's sakes! Lynette's not going to hurt the baby!" Lynette: "No, and you're gonna get her back a whole lot faster if you will just listen to me. Okay? Listen, and you? All right, good. So, first of all, Ed, stealing the baby was really stupid." Fran: "Thank you." Lynette: "You're welcome. You need to find a better way to communicate with your wife. And, Fran, I know what the pressure of trying to be a super parent does to your head. You can take a break and be a great mom.
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Doesn't this little sweetheart deserve a well-rested mommy?" Fran: "Well, I guess the pressure does get to me a little." Ed: "And it's okay to admit that." Lynette: "This is communication. This is good. Why don't you guys go down to the lobby, talk it out over some coffee?" Fran: "Uh, what about Mindy?" Lynette: "We've got day care!" (Fran and Ed leave. Lynette looks at Mindy.) Lynette: "We've got day care!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Meadowside Psychiatric Hospital] (Betty approaches the nurse's station. She sees Caleb sitting on a couch in a day room.) Betty: "Hi. I called earlier from the spiritual outreach program?" Nurse Delany: "Hi. Piano player, right? This is so generous of you. There it is. It's not exactly a concert grand. I should warn you, on the whole, our patients are generally unresponsive, so I hope you don't expect a lot of clapping." Betty: "Miss Delany, I find when the spiritual rewards are this great, who needs applause?" Nurse Delany: "Excuse me." (The nurse goes back to her paperwork.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Grocery Store] (Susan is doing her shopping. Carol comes around the corner to where Susan is.) Susan: "Did Addison talk to you about me?" (Carol begins throwing the groceries at Susan.) Susan: "Oh! I guess not." Carol: "He's a married man! What's wrong with you?" Susan: "No, wait! Wait! It's not what you think!" Carol: "He hasn't touched me for three years because of, of sluts like you!" Susan: "Carol, if you would just stop throwing things at me, I'll explain!" Carol: "How, how can you explain? You're screwing my husband!" Susan: "No, I'm not screwing him! He's my father!" (Susan bends over, protecting herself. Carol stops, dropping a bag of beans on the ground, which spill open.) Susan: "I'm so sorry. I thought you should know, but he didn't want to tell you." Carol: "I want to die." Susan: "Oh, no." Carol: "I do." Susan: "Oh, Carol, you don't have to clean that up. They have clerks for that." Carol: "How old are you?" Susan: "Thirty-eight." Carol: "We've been married thirty-nine years. It's been going on from the start." Susan: "Believe me, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to find my dad." Carol: "I'm glad you did, but you be careful, sweetheart. He's gonna break your heart." (Carol walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree and Andrew are in the kitchen.)
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Bree: "Andrew, I made an appointment with a therapist for you, me, and Danielle." Andrew: "I don't think so." Bree: "This pain that you're feeling is completely natural, but it's not gonna go away until you deal with it. Andrew, I want us to heal. I want us to be a family again." Andrew: "You know what I want? I want for George Williams to walk through that door so I can take a knife and plunge it into his heart. I want the pharmacist to pay for what he did to my father." Bree: "Well, the good news is he's, he's dead." Andrew: "He committed suicide. His death was on his terms. That's not justice." Bree: "So, are you saying if he were executed, that it would be easier for you to get past this?" Andrew: "Of course." Bree: "George didn't intend to commit suicide. He was trying to manipulate me into taking him back and he swallowed those pills hoping that I'd feel sorry for him. He just assumed that I would call an ambulance. When I got there, he was already slipping away. I tried to get him to accept responsibility for what he'd done, but he wouldn't." Andrew: "So what'd you do?" Bree: "Nothing. I just sat there and let him die." Andrew: "Oh, my god." Bree: "He didn't die on his terms, Andrew. He paid for what he did to your father." (Andrew hugs Bree.) Andrew: "Thank you for telling me this." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Meadowside Psychiatric Hospital Parking Lot] (Monroe is sitting in his car with the picture of Caleb on the seat next to him. He pulls out a syringe and fills it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Meadowside Psychiatric Hospital] (Monroe, dressed in scrubs, is pushing a wheelchair around. He passes by another orderly.) Monroe: "Hey, how you doin'?" (He looks at the name register and sees John Doe is in Room 614. He walks into Room 614 and pulls out the syringe, looking around as he enters the room, only to find the room empty. He walks toward the day room where Betty is playing the piano. He sees Caleb in the back with a man in a coat and cap standing behind him. The man approaches Caleb, takes off the hat and coat, and puts it on Caleb. Matthew walks Caleb out of the day room as Monroe watches them pass. He follows.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Paul goes to the door just as Mike is coming out.) Mike: "Yeah?" Paul: "Zach's come home." Mike: "What? Is he okay?" Paul: "He's fine." Mike: "Is there anything I can do?" Paul: "Thanks for asking. You can leave us alone." Mike: "I spent a lot of time looking for Zach and you know why." Paul: "Maybe I'm not making myself clear. You come near my son, I'll go to the police. I'll tell them what happened out in that quarry." Mike: "You do that and we'll both go down." Paul: "Well, you know I'm capable of almost anything. Hey, I thought you'd like to know Zach and I are moving
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away. I want to give my son a shot at a normal life. I'm sure you'll agree it's for the best." Mike: "Now see, this is where you and I don't see eye-to-eye. For Zach's sake, I'll keep quiet, for now, but you're not taking him away. If I see a "for sale" sign in front of that house, I'll call the police. I'm capable of pretty much anything myself." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Hospital] (Nurse hands Carlos forms on a clipboad for him to fill out. Gabrielle is sitting next to him reading a magazine.) Nurse: "The doctor's going to give you a full work-up, then we'll start the inoculations. Make sure you fill out everything and the nurse will take you back." Carlos: "Thank you." Gabrielle: "Boy, Sister Mary's done a number on you." Carlos: "Right." Gabrielle: "Yes, right. She has you flying halfway across the world to help the poor and there's perfectly good poor right here. For god's sakes, give a buck to a homeless guy." Carlos: "It's not the same." Gabrielle: "No, it's better because you can do it in the comfort of your own car." Carlos: "The point is not to be comfortable, Gabby. It's about easing pain and suffering. Look, I'm trying to be a better person here. Now you can either help me or you can get out of the way, but you can't stop me." Nurse: "Carlos Solis? Come with me, please." Carlos: "Finish that for me." (Carlos hands the clipboard to Gabrielle and gets up. Gabrielle gets up and gives the clipboard to the nurse and the nurse's station.) Gabrielle: "Here." Nurse: "He didn't fill out the allergy section. " Gabrielle: "Honey, he's going to a remote village in Africa. Does it really matter that he's allergic to eggs?" Nurse: "Actually, yes. Eggs are on the list. He could have a severe reaction to the yellow fever vaccine, and he won't be getting out of bed, let alone leaving the country." Gabrielle: "Really? Oh, don't write that down. I wasn't being specific. He's allergic to fish eggs." Nurse: "Fish eggs?" Gabrielle: "Poor baby's gone his whole life without caviar. Now that's suffering." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Doctor's Office] (Carlos is sitting with his shirt off as Gabrielle watches.) Carlos: "All right, Doc, give me all you got." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos is lying on the bed, delirious.) Carlos: "It's so hot in this village." Gabrielle: "Baby, that's the fever talking. The doctor said you're having an allergic reaction, but you're gonna be fine, okay?" Carlos: "Hold me." Gabrielle: "Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. Oh, maybe that stupid nun is right. Maybe I am trying to stop you from becoming a better person. It's just that I love you the way you are, greedy, selfish, and insensitive. I'm just scared if you're not those things anymore, you're gonna wake up one day and realize I still am, and then you won't want me."
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Carlos: "I want you. Just hold me." Gabrielle: "Oh, Carlos." Carlos: "Hold me, Sister Mary." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Outside] (Susan is painting the garage door.) Addison: "Painting in the rain? Is that smart?" Susan: "Well, let me see. Painting in the rain or letting the whole world think I'm a whore? I don't know. What do you think?" Addison: "Heard you ran into my wife." Susan: "Yep." Addison: "So?" Susan: "So, you are hereby released of any further obligation to be my dad." Addison: "Okay. Just so you know, I'm not actually proud of what I've done. You know, my hobbies." Susan: "Good for you. Bye." Addison: "I have done things I'm proud of. I could give you five examples right now. Okay, maybe three." Susan: "You don't have to do this." Addison: "I was a volunteer fireman. I, uh, put out fires, I got kittens out of trees, the whole nine yards." Susan: "Sweet." Addison: "About twenty years ago, I started a foundation to protect wild horses. I probably saved hundreds of them." Susan: "Really?" Addison: "I'm full of surprises." Susan: "Okay, one more." Addison: "I wasn't exactly thrilled when you walked back into my life. Now that I've met you, well, you gave me a third thing to be proud of." Susan: "That was a good one." Addison: "That's why I saved it for last. I have to spend some time working on my marriage. When that's all sorted out, maybe we could continue with the catching up?" Susan: "I'll wait for your call." (Addison walks off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"The stories are as old as time itself." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The prodigal son who returns home to the father who forgives him." (Paul watches lovingly as Zach plays the guitar.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The jealous wife who tricks the husband who trusts her..." (Gabrielle gently wipes Carlos' forehead as they lie on the bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:"The desperate mother who risks everything for the child who needs her." (Betty covers a sleeping Caleb with a blanket.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Addison's House]
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Mary Alice Voiceover:"And the faithless husband who hurts the wife who loves him so deeply." (Addison walks out of the door with keys in hand. He looks at Carol, who is watering the plants.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Outside] Mary Alice Voiceover:"Why do we listen again and again?" (Bree is gardening while Andrew watches her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"Because these are the stories of family, and once we look past the fighting, pain and the resentment-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency Day Care Center] (Lynette walks in.) Mary Alice Voiceover:"-we occasionally like to remind ourselves...there is absolutely nothing more important." (Lynette picks up Penny and hugs her.) Lynette: "Hi, bunny, bunny. Hi." ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2x11 - "One More Kiss" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives... Bree:George paid for what he did to your father. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree confessed... Mike: Did you give zach money to go to utah? Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan betrayed Mike... Bree:What kind of friend is he? Andrew:The real good kind. Mary Alice Voiceover:Andrew pushed the boundaries... Paul:Zach's come home. Mike:Is there anything i can do? Mary Alice Voiceover: Paul put his foot down... Zach:You can leave us alone. Jerry: So when do I tell people you'll be back? Monroe:Couple, maybe three days. Mary Alice Voiceover:And a stranger......finally caught up with Caleb. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree is hosting a dinner party. As Bree checks the table with food on it, a couple in the background are kissing.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Kisses are such simple things,we hardly notice them. (Bree walks around her home, ensuring her guests are all having a good time.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But if we paid more attention,we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own.For example, some can say,"i'm so happy to see you." (Bree kisses the cheeks of newly arriving guests.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:Or, "I didn't realize you'd be here." (Two women guests air kiss each other, then wave goodbye.) Female Guest #1:Bye. Mary Alice Voiceover:Or, "honey,it's time to stop drinking." (Two male guests drink and laughing. A wife approaches one of the men and casually removes the drink from his hand, then leans in to kiss him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference. (In the kitchen, Gabrielle, Edie, Bree, Tom, and Karl are standing around the counter talking and laughing.) Gabrielle: So I finally said,if I'm head cheerleader,then nobody wears panties. Tom:Yeah!I just want you to know as a former member of my high school marching band,I would've appreciated that. (Lynette joins them and stands next to Tom.) Edie:Wait a second, you were a band geek? Oh,I don't believe it. Bree:What'd you play? Lynette: He played the tuba.I have pictures. Gabrielle:The tuba, huh? Carl:Yeah, go ahead, come on, come on, get your licks in, go ahead. Gabrielle:No, no, not at all.As a matter of fact,all of my secret crushes were on the band geeks. Tom:Come on,I know you cheerleader types.You wouldn't have said "boo" to guys like me.No, you were more interested in the guys like... like this.(He points to Karl.)Now, I take it you didn't play the tuba. Carl:No, I didn't. Tom:All I know is, I was a lonely,insecure tuba player.Girls like Gabrielle would just rip my heart out. Edie:Aw. Tom:I didn't even had my first kiss until I was 18. Gabrielle:18? Tom: Pathetic,I know. Gabrielle: Poor baby.I would've kissed you. Tom:No, you wouldn't have. Gabrielle:Yes,I would have. Tom:No, you wouldn't have.And it's okay, Gaby.Those scars healed long time ago. Gabrielle:Oh, for god sakes,come here.Now on behalf of all the cheerleaders in the world,forgive us. (Gabrielle holds Tom's face in her hands and gives Tom a long kiss. Karl applauds and Edie cheers.) Carl:Oh, yeah! Edie:Whoo! Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, kisses mean different things to different people. (Gabrielle lets go of Tom and he falls off his chair. The crowd laughs and cheers.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Ultimately,the meaning depends on the one who does the kissing... (Lynette looks on, silent. The crowd continues to cheer.) Tom:Wowie. Edie:Cheers. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and the who sees it happen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree says goodbye to the last of her guests.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:After every party comes the time for cleaning.Attend to the champagne that was spilled... (Bree sees a glass of champagne tipped over onto her table. She wipes it up quickly.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...the knickknacks that got broken... (Edie sweeps up a broken vase on the floor.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...the food that went uneaten. (Lynette cleans up the dining room table and carries some trays into the kitchen where Gabrielle is washing dishes.) Gabrielle:Oh, here,let me take that. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and whatever other messes need cleaning up. Lynette: So, uh, Gaby...you know that thing you and Tom did tonight?The... the kiss? Gabrielle:Was that hysterical?The look on Tom's face! Lynette: Yeah.I know this sounds silly,but...it kind of bugged me. Gabrielle:You're not serious. Lynette: Yeah, I am.I don't...I don't want to make a big deal out of it,but, uh,could you maybe not do that again? Gabrielle:Okay. Lynette:Thanks. Gabrielle:Okay. (Lynette pats Gabrielle's arm. Susan, Edie and Bree enter the kitchen.) Susan:Hey, what happened to the Applewhites?I thought you were gonna invite them. Bree:I did.Betty never r.s.v.p.'d. Edie:What do you guys think about the Applewhites? Susan:I like 'em, very nice. Bree:Very...interesting. Susan:Right, interesting. Edie:Hmm, they weird me out, too. Susan:Well, that's not what we're saying. Bree: Not exactly, anyway. (Gabrielle suddenly turns to Lynette standing next to her.) Gabrielle:You know,we were just having fun,entertaining the crowd. Lynette:Oh, sure, but...but maybe next time you could try juggling instead. Edie:What's going on? Gabrielle:Nothing. Edie:Really?I sense a little tension. Lynette:No, no tension.(to Gabrielle)What? Gabrielle:You make it sound like...I was making a pass at your husband.And that's just a little bit insulting. Lynette:I just said it bugged me.Why is that a problem? Edie:Is this about that kiss? Susan:What kiss? Edie:Oh, you were in the living room.Gaby planted a big, wet kiss on Tom... as a joke.It was hilarious. Gabrielle:You see? Bree:Yeah, but to be fair to Lynette, you are an ex-model.And surely it must have dawned on you that some women might prefer it if you didn't kiss their husbands. Lynette:That's all I'm saying. Susan:Oh, you guys,we're all friends.This isn't something to get worked up over.
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Gabrielle:I'm not worked up. Lynette:Me neither. Edie:Hey, everyone, did you see what Kathy Lewis was wearing tonight?And whoever told her that she could get away with those vertical stripes should be shot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree kisses Susan goodbye.) Bree:Oh.Bye, sweetie. (Susan begins walking home. She looks over at Paul's house and sees Zach putting the trash out. Zach waves and Susan waves back. Susan runs over to Mike's house and knocks on the door. Mike answers. Susan:Uh...oh! Susan:Zach is back! Mike:Yeah, yeah, I know. Susan:You do? Mike:Yeah, he's been back for a couple of days now. Susan:Well, that's great,isn't it? Mike:Yeah. Susan:I thought you'd be happy about it.I thought that's what you wanted. Mike:I was hoping that I'd slowly establish a relationsh with Zach and then when we were comfortable,I'd tell him I was his real dad.But now Paul's back. Susan:And he doesn't want you anywhere near him. Mike:He's threatened to tell the police everything that happened in the desert...that I held a gun to his head. Susan:Well, it's your word against his. Mike:But he doesn't have a record, and I do. Susan:You know,despite what I did...sending Zach away,I want you two to connect.I hope you know that. Mike:I do.And on the bright side,I don't have to wonder where he is anymore. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House - Nighttime] (Paul is reading some paperwork with a bunch of books on the counter in front of him. Zach is putting a new trash bag into the trash can.) Paul:It says that you can do a report on anything from the suggested reading list,which includes"the old man and the sea,""the pearl,""much ado about nothing."Hmm. That sounds good.What do you like? Zach:I don't care. Paul: Let's start with "the pearl."It's got a sad ending, but it's good. We'll start with that.You know,it's not gonna be so bad.I think you're really gonna like being homeschooled.Okay, I know this isn't what you want.But I need to keep you close to me just for a while.There are people in this neighborhood who aren't thrilled that we're back.People I don't trust. Zach: People like...Mike Delfino? Paul:Why would you say that? Zach:When you disappeared,Mrs. Tillman said that Mike took you somewhere to kill you. Paul:That's ridiculous.Why would Mike wanna kill me? Zach:Because you murdered Mrs. Huber? Paul:What did you say? Zach:Well, Mrs. Tillman said that you murdered Mrs. Huber because she was blackmailing mom. Paul:And you believed her? Zach:No, not exactly.I mean, why? Should I?
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Paul:Zach, you know me better than anyone.Do you honestly believe that I am capable of murder? Zach:No. Paul:All right, then. Zach:Of course...I didn't think mom was capable of suicide, either. Paul:On second thought,why don't we start with "much ado about nothing"?I think we could use a few laughs around here. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Front Yard - Nighttime] (Andrew is saying goodnight to Justin while Bree watches out the window.) Andrew:Yeah, man...Yeah, he sure is.I just...probably. Justin:Yeah. (Andrew kisses Justin passionately. Bree snaps the glass she is holding.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is on the couch. She pours herself a large glass of wine and drinks. Andrew walks in.) Andrew:Hey. Bree:Get over here.Now. Andrew:Somebody's angry.Did one of your souffls fall? Bree:I saw what you did with your friend. Andrew:Oh, and you didn't turn into a pillar of salt. Good for you. Bree:This is not a joke,Andrew.What if the neighbors had seen you? Andrew:Well, I'd hope they'd think that I'd landed a hottie. Bree:I may not be able to control what you do outside of this home,but while you are under this roof,you will not mock my values.If you so much as smile at that boy,so help me, I will ship you off to Camp Hennessey and I will not pick you up again until you are 18.Do I make myself clear? (Bree starts walking up stairs. Andrew holds up the wine bottle.) Andrew:Aren't you forgetting something?I know you like to knock a few back before bedtime.Go on, take it. It's okay.We both know that of the two of us,I'm the one that doesn't judge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's Basement] (Matthew places a tray outside of Caleb's locked room. He begins closing the door to lock Caleb in.) Caleb: Please. I don't wanna stay down here. Matthew:I-I know.I'm sorry, K.I'm sorry. (Matthew closes and locks the door. Betty comes downstairs.) Betty:Matthew, I think we might have termites.You need to take a look at those steps before one of us breaks our neck.What's the matter? Betty:Is your brother okay? Matthew:No, he's not.He hates it down here.He wants to be with us.You're being cruel. Betty:If you are so concerned about him,you should spend less time on your computer and more time down here keeping him company. (Caleb listens through the door.) Betty:We're bringing him up,but not until I am sure that it's safe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House - Daytime] (A car is parked with the radio playing loudly. Monroe sits inside and uses his inhaler. He picks up a clipboard and looks at it.)
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(Edie jogs by. She slows down, then knocks on the car window.) Music: (Glen Campbell) " there's been a load of compromising, on the road to my horizon..." Edie: (wheezes)Hey, you! Music:"...like a Rhinestone cowboy." Monroe:Yeah? Edie:What's the deal?You've been parked on our street for two hours. Monroe:Oh, I'm doing a property appraisal.Some neighbors of yours are thinking about moving. Edie:The Applewhites? Monroe:I'm not really allowed to say. Edie:I sold them that house.You know, this is my turf!Who do you w(or)k for?Geist realty?Ah, westside properties.Yeah, well, whoever it is,you go back and you tell your bosses that nobody, and I mean, nobody,buys or sells properties in this neighborhood without going through Edie Britt, you got that? Monroe: Look, lady,I just go where I'm told. Edie:You look, you cross me,and I will be your worst nightmare.I'm a dangerous woman.You don't wanna mess with me. Monroe:You got it. (Edie jogs away. Monroe picks up the newspaper on the seat next to him. Under the paper is an automatic.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House - Daytime] (Julie and Susan are getting out the her car as Zach approaches.) Zach:Ms. Mayer. Susan:Zach. Zach:May I talk to you?I have some things that I need to say. Susan:Okay. Zach:I-I know that I did a lot of bad stuff...stuff that I'm not gonna be able to take back.Ms. Mayer,I'm... I'm really sorry.But when I was living on the streets, you know,I had a lot of time to...to just sit and think to myself and clear my head and...I've grown up, you know?I don't want you to worry.I'm not gonna be bothering you anymore.Either of you. Susan:Well, thanks.We appreciate that. Zach: Please don't tell my dad that I talked to you.He's just...he's been really...intense lately. (Zach walks away.) Susan:Well,what do you think? Julie:He seems different.I believe him. Susan:Yeah, I can't believe I'm about to say this,but I feel sorry for him.It's like he's so fragile. Julie:I know, and he's locked in that house with Mr. Creepy 24/7.Did you know that he's homeschoolin'zach now? Susan:I think he should spend some time with decent role model,don't you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Lynette and Bree drive up to each other from opposite directions. They stop in the middle of the street to talk.) Bree:Hi! Lynette:Hey, you're out early. Bree:Oh, I just wanted to pick up some fresh croissants for breakfast. Lynette:Oh, cool. Listen,I just wanted you to know I appreciated you backing me up last night,you know,with the kiss thing.
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Bree:To be honest, I don't think I would've liked it, either. Lynette:Yeah, but I probably should've just gone with it.Gaby was just being Gaby...having fun. Bree:No, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, given her history. Lynette:What do you mean? Bree:You know, the affair. Lynette:Gaby had an affair? Bree:You didn't know? Lynette:No! Bree:I thought everybody knew.Oh, I feel awful.Oh, Ida Greenberg's behind you. (Ida Greenberg pulls up behind Lynette's car.) Lynette: (calling out to Ida)Ida, just a second.(to Bree)I am stunned.Who was it with? Bree:I shouldn't have said anything. Lynette:Bree, come on, just tell me.(horn honks) Bree:Her gardener. (Lynette looks into Gabrielle's yard. An overweight garderner with his shirt off is trimming the hedge.) Lynette:Oh, you're kidding! Bree:No, no, not him.Helen Rowland's son, John. Lynette:The teenager? (Ida honks again.) Lynette: (to Ida)Ida, wait, or go around!(to Bree)Does Gaby know that you know? Bree:Absolutely not.I think the best thing to do is just smile and pretend you don't know anything. (Ida backs up and passes Lynette on the right, going onto the curb. Ida stares angrily at Lynette as she passes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's Driveway - Daytime] (Mike is under his car working on it. Susan and Julie approach. Susan peeks underneath the car.) Susan:Hi. (A startled Mike hits his head on the bottom of the car.) Susan:Oh, sorry!Are you okay? Mike:Yeah.I'm all right. What's up? Susan:We have an idea how to bring you and Zach together.Bowling. Mike:Bowling? Julie:Yeah, I e-mailed Zach,and he said he's gonna meet us there. You can come, too. Mike: Does Paul know about this? Susan:No, and we're not planning on telling him. Mike:I don't think that's a good idea, Susan. Susan:Mike, I'm part of the reason things got so screwed up.I just want a chance to make things right. Mike:And you're okay with this...being around Zach? Julie:We talked to him.He's changed. Mike:Well, I guess we're going bowling. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is carrying a breakfast tray to Andrew's room.) Bree:Wake up, sleepyhead.I brought fresh croissants for breakfast! (Bree enters and finds Andrew and Justin in bed, naked, sleeping. Bree gasps. Justin sits up.) Justin:Uh, hi,Mrs. Van de Kamp.I'm Justin,Andrew's lab partner...from school.Dude, wake up.
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Bree:Andrew...I want you downstair... now. (Bree leaves the room. Andrew smiles. Downstairs, Bree is pacing. Andrew comes down.) Bree:Okay, first of all, I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he is no longer welcome in this house. Andrew:But we haven't even had breakfast yet! Bree:I am serious, Andrew.You tell him to get out of here this second or I will call the police, and I will have him removed! Andrew:Well, go ahead, call 'em. Bree:Oh, you think I won't? Andrew:I just wonder how they'll react when they find out that you killed George Williams. Bree:I didn't kill George. Andrew:Well, no, but you sat there and let him die,which,I'm no lawyer,but I'm pretty sure there's a crime in there somewhere. Bree:Andrew... Andrew: Don't get me wrong.I mean, I'm glad you did it.But when the cops get here,my official position will be,uh, "oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac."I think I might even throw in a few tears. Bree:You would actually let the police arrest your own mother? Andrew:Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strips at some point. (Andrew goes back upstairs, leaving a shocked Bree.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Driveway - Daytime] (Tom takes Penny out of the car. Gabrielle is jogging down the road. Tom tries to carry the packages, as well as Penny.) Tom:Come on, Penny. Let's get those groceries in there.Come on. Here we go.Get this one...and this one,and daddy... uh-oh! Whoa!Oh! (He drops a bag.) Tom:Whoa!Oh! (Gabrielle stops to help. Penny begins to cry.) Gabrielle:Oh,Oh!it looks like you could use a hand. Tom:Bless you. Here, Gaby.And Penny! (Tom hands Penny to Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:Oh, come here,you sweet little thing. Tom:Well, thank you so much, Gaby.Come on in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] (They enter the house.) Gabrielle:Oh, god, um, Tom? Tom:Yeah? Gabrielle:Uh, I think she got sick. Tom:Oh, I'm so sorry.Usually, she only throws up on immediate family. Gabrielle:I'm honored. (Telephone rings) Tom:Oh, um, do you mind just putting her in the playpen there?Hello. Lynette(on the phone): Guess what? Ed loved the pitch.I got off early! Tom:You're kidding! That's great! Lynette:Hey, I'm right by the supermarket.You want me to pick up anything?
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Tom:Um, actually,I just came from there.Except, you know what?I forgot bread.Would you mind? Lynette:Not at all. Gabrielle:Tom, I need to wipe up.Do you have a towel? Tom:Sure, hold on. (Lynette hears Gabrielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Driveway - Daytime] (Lynette car speeds into her driveway and stops quickly. Lynette hurries out of the car and into the house. She finds Gabrielle and Tom wiping off Gabrielle's sweat shirt which she had removed.) Gabrielle:Hey! Tom:Hey, honey.Hey, did you get the bread? Lynette:Yeah, they were out. Tom:Of bread? Lynette:Yeah. Hey, Gaby.A surprise seeing you here. Gabrielle:Well, I saw that Tom was overwhelmed,so I thought I'd give him a hand. Lynette:Really?Wow, that was nice of you. Gabrielle:Is there a problem? Lynette:No. Gabrielle:Really? Because I sense that you're annoyed you found me here when you weren't home. Am I wrong? Tom: Lynette? Lynette:Okay. (laughs nervously)Yeah.So exact what are you doing here helping out? Gabrielle: Damn it, Lynette, if this has to do with that stupid kiss the other night,I'm gonna lose it! Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa,what's going on? Gabrielle: Lynette thinks I was hitting on you at Bree's party. Tom: (laughing)That's ridiculous. Lynette:I never said that.What I said was that it made me uncomfortable when you kissed him.It's obviously an issue for me.And yet, here you are, alone in my kitchen with my husband.So you tell me,are you hitting on him? Tom: Lynette. Gabrielle:I can't believe you.I have done nothing to deserve this kind of mistrust. Lynette:Well,that's not entirely true. Gabrielle:What does that mean? Lynette:Come on, Gaby.It's a small town. People talk. Tom:Okay,what's going on here? Gabrielle:I'll tell you.Your wife doesn't trust me around you because I had an affair with my teenage gardener. Tom: Oh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Carlos is putting on a miniature green set-up in the living room.) Gabrielle:Oh.So I know Susan Mayer would never tell.It must've been Helen Rowland.She probably blabbed to all the girls at the salon.And Ida Greenberg goes to that salon.So if ida knows,the whole town knows.And we're just gonna have to move. That's all there is to it.Carlos, can you stop putting for two seconds and show me some support? Carlos:What do you expect me to do?You brought this on yourself. Gabrielle:It was a harmless little kiss!Why is everybody making a big deal about this?
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Carlos:Because you had an affair with an underage gardener.People don't think you're harmless.They see you as a predator. Gabrielle:You're enjoying this,aren't you?Punishing me, dangling the affair over my head?Well,I won't tolerate it. Carlos:Really?So just what are you gonna do about it? Gabrielle:I'm gonna let you even the score.Carlos,go have an affair. Carlos:What? Gabrielle:I had my little indiscretion.So you go have you.Get it out of your system.I know you want to. Carlos:I do not. Gabrielle:Sure you do.Knock yourself out.Call up an old college flame.Rent a call girl.Fly to Africa and nail that little nun you've been drooling over.I don't care! Carlos:You're crazy. Gabrielle:No, I'm pragmatic.Because once you finish your fling,we'll be equals again.And then you won't be able to judge me.And we can go back to being a boring, average married couple.Oh, just do me a favor. Don't bring back any diseases. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Tom and Lynette are getting ready for bed.) Tom:Are you sure you're not overreacting to this whole Gabrielle thing? Lynette:Maybe.Yes.But Gaby doesn't think she did anything wrong.That's not right,either. Tom:I guess. Lynette:You're an attractive man.There is a primal need for a woman to protect what is hers.My initial impulse was justified. Tom:So you really think she's into me? Lynette:I don't know. Tom:Because you're right.I am an attractive man.You know what?I've never told you this,but sometimes when I bend down to pick up the morning paper,I catch Bree Van de Kamp checking me out. Lynette:You're kidding. Tom:No, scout's honor.I've always exuded a certain sexual magnetism,and as I get older,I think it's only becoming more intense. Lynette:Are you drunk? Tom:Oh,I'm a hot guy living in a neighborhood filled with nothing but lonely ladies.Oh.They can't help themselves.I'm like... catnip. (Lynette laughs and pulls Tom to her to kiss him.) Lynette:Come here. Tom:What was that for? Lynette:Thank you.Thank you for reminding me that I am the only woman in the whole world who could love an "idiot" like you.I'll talk to Gaby. Tom:I'm telling you,these women want me. Lynette:Oh, yeah. Tom:They see the rippling muscles underneath this T-shirt... Lynette:Good night, Tom. Tom:They cannot resist me. Lynette:Shut up and go to sleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House - Daytime]
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(Matthew and Betty get in the car and Matthew drives away from the house. Monroe, parked in his car, gets out and walks into the Applewhite yard. He jimmys open the French doors and goes inside.) Monroe:Son of a bitch. (With bolt cutters, Monroe cuts open the locks. Caleb wakes up to the noise. Monroe opens the door and sees Caleb chained to the bed.) Monroe:You gotta be kidding me. (Caleb is frightened by Monroe and tries to get away, but the chains prevent him from moving too far.) Monroe:Whoa, whoa.I'm here to help you,Caleb.All right? (Monroe points at the shackles around Caleb's wrists. He approaches and unlocks them.) Caleb:Mama's goin' be mad. Monroe: Don't you worry about that ...Moms love me.All right, let's go. Caleb:No! Monroe:Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you like that.Let's start over. (Monroe punches Caleb. Caleb falls over.) Monroe:Aah! (Later, in the living room, Monroe looks outside. He goes back to the basement door and looks down at Caleb, who's sitting at the bottom of the steps, handcuffs around his wrists.) Monroe: Let's go.I'm warning you, pinhead,don't you make me come down there after you.Come on.Come on!All right,you asked for.I'm gonna beat the stupid right out of you. (Monroe begins stomping down the stairs, but they collapse beneath him. As he falls through, his gun goes off, shooting him in the chest. He is wedged into the stair and sees the blood. He looks at the gun and realizes what happened. He passes out and drops he gun. ) (Later, Betty and Matthew come home and walk inside. They see Caleb sitting at the kitchen table eating ice cream.) Matthew:This hit the spot. Betty:Caleb? Caleb:I didn't do it. (Betty and Matthew go to the basement. They look downstairs and see Monroe is dead.) Betty:Oh, dear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House - Daytime] (Bree, with a basket of muffins, knocks on the door and Karl answers. She hands him the muffins.) Karl:Well, hey there. Bree:Hi, Karl. Oh!Oh, um, quick question...when someone discusses a sensitive situation with a lawyer such as yourself,when does attorney/client confidentiality kick in? Karl:From the moment the lawyer's been hired. Why? Bree:Here's a check for $100.That's enough for a retainer, right? Karl:Well, I guess.What's going on, Bree? Bree:My son is trying to blackmail me.And I want you to stop the little S.O.B.Do you think you could do that? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's Basement] (Betty and Matthew are going through Monroe's wallet.) Betty:He has an illinois license.It says here his name is Munroe.Does that name mean anything to you? Matthew:No, but at least he wasn't a policeman. Betty: Poor man.I hope he didn't suffer too much. Matthew: (chuckles) Mom, are we looking at the same body?
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(cell phone playing "Peter gunn theme" ringtone) (They hear a cell phone ring coming from Monroe. Matthew goes to the body and gets the cell phone.) Betty:What is it? (Matthew shows his mother the cell, which indicates "Foster" is calling Monroe.) Betty:As soon as it gets dark,we get rid of that body. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Gabrielle is at the blender making a smoothie. Lynette walks in.) Lynette:Hey.Um...I hope it's okay.Carlos let me in. Gabrielle:Actually,I'm right in the middle of something,and I don't know when I'll be done. Lynette:I'm just here to say I am sorry,and I have been a complete idiot. Gabrielle:All done. (Later, Gabrielle and Lynette are sitting at the table having a smoothie, laughing together.) Lynette:So cute.'Cause it's beautiful! (Carlos walks in.) Carlos:Is the coast clear? Gabrielle:Yes, it is.We worked it out. Carlos:No kidding.How'd you manage that one? Carlos:Simple. Lynette admitted she was wrong, and I agreed. Lynette:Well, 99% wrong. Gabrielle:Oh, whatever,close enough. Lynette:Anyway, Tom's probably got dinner ready by now.So I should get goin'. Gabrielle:Okay. Carlos:Good night. Lynette:Bye!Mwah! (Lynette leaves, then walks right back in.) Lynette:You know what the 1% is, right? Gabrielle:No, not really.Does it matter? Lynette:It kinda does.I wanna get it clear for our friendship. Gabrielle:Okay.What's the 1%? Lynette:Well, well...yes,I overreacted.I think you can see how even though I was somewhat off base,you were a little wrong,right? Gabrielle:No.I kissed Tom,and it was a harmless joke.I think if I had kissed anybody else's husband,they would've laughed and then forgot about it ten seconds later. Lynette:Okay,let's test that theory. (Lynette grabs Carlos and begins kissing him passionately.) Gabrielle:See? I don't care.That's...just a waste of time...and spit.Oh. Okay.Okay, okay, okay. (Gabrielle pulls them apart.) Gabrielle:Okay! Okay!I get your point. Lynette:All righty, then,my work here is done.Carlos, Gaby. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bowling Alley] (Julie is bowling, while Susan and Mike watch.) Susan:Go! Mike:Not bad. (Mike turns and sees Zach approaching.)
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Mike:Hey, there he is. Susan:Zach,I'm glad you could make it. Mike:Hey, Zach. Zach:Mr. Delfino, I didn't know you were gonna be here. Mike:Yeah,I was just bowling a few frames and ran into these guys.I thought I might join you.Is, uh, that okay? Zach:Yeah,I guess. (Susan bowls.) Susan:Oh!Okay, write that down...nine! Mike:Wise guy. (Zach gets up to bowl.) Mike:All right, just roll it in there nice and easy. (Zach rolls a gutter ball.) Zach:Sorry. Mike:It's okay.We're still close.Anyway,Julie's totally gonna choke. Julie:Just for that,I am not bringing you back a hot dog.Zach, do you want one? Zach:Okay. (Julie leaves. Zach gets up to bowl, but turns toward Susan and Mike.) Susan:You okay? Zach:Yeah,I'm fine,it's just...I don't understand what you're doing. Mike:What do you mean? Zach:Well,I don't understand why you're being so nice to me.I mean,I pointed a gun at you guys. You should hate me. Susan:We don't hate you, Zach.You had an incredibly hard year.And you shouldn't have done what you did,but we just wanna help you move on. Mike: Look, um...when I was young,I got mixed up in some really bad stuff.I even did some time in prison. Zach:Really? Mike:Yeah, but when I got out, people were willing to forgive me.Everybody deserves a second chance. Zach:Thanks. Susan:You know,I'm gonna go, uh,help Julie with the food.So you guys just keep talking and bowling.Talk and bowl.Bowl and talk. Mike:Here, let me show you something.See the arrows right in the middle?Just roll it straight over the one in the center.Okay.You don't have to spin it or anything.Just right down the middle.Look at that!Good job. (Mike puts his hand on Zach's shoulder and Susan watches from the food counter.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House - Nighttime] (Betty and Matthew are putting Monroe's body into the truck of his car.) Betty:Hurry up! Matthew:I am hurrying up, okay? (Betty closes the trunk.) Matthew:Wait, no! No! No! Betty:What? Matthew:I dropped the keys.I don't have 'em.They're in here! (Betty starts to laugh and Matthew looks at her.) Betty:Sometimes,you just have to laugh. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Bree's House - Daytime] (Andrew is playing video games when Bree and Karl walk in.) Bree:Andrew?Would you mind turning off your video game?My lawyer would like to have a little chat with you. (Later, Karl and Andrew are sitting at the table and Bree is serving food.) Karl:So even though your mother did witness George Williams' suicide,there's no affirmative duty to intervene.Therefore,no crime was committed.Even if the police find out,your mom will never see the inside of a courtroom. Andrew:Well, maybe I got the story wrong.What if she went over there to help him commit suicide? Bree:If you wanna lie to the police,go right ahead.But please know that I will sue you. Andrew:For what? Karl:Abuse of process.It's when a person tries to exploit the legal system for an improper purpose...like blackmail. Andrew:You guys can't sue me.I'm just a kid. Bree:Oh, don't worry.I won't start garnishing your wages until you turn 18. Karl:Your mom...is she a peach or what? Andrew:If the cops don't give a damn,I'm sure your friends will.How does a little public humiliation sound? (Karl hands Bree his coffee cup.) Karl:Bree, can I get a refill on this? (Bree leaves the room. Karl grabs Andrew.) Andrew:What are you doing?! (Karl slams Andrew against the wall.) Karl:Your father was a friend of mine.And if he were around to see what a nasty little turd you've turned into,he'd knock the hell out of you. Andrew:Yeah, well,he's not here now, is he? (Andrew starts to walk away. Karl grabs him and slams him against the wall again. He grabs Andrew's face.) Karl:No,he isn't, but if you don't get your act together and start treating your mother with some respect,I'll take care of you myself.Do you understand what I'm saying? Andrew:Yeah. Karl:Good. (Bree, still in the kitchen, stands right out of view from the dining room, listening.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House - Daytime] (Lynette is walking up her steps when Carlos approaches.) Carlos:Hey, neighbor. Lynette:Oh, hey, Carlos.Hi. Carlos:I just wanted to thank you for patching things up with Gaby. Lynette:Well, sure, no problem. Carlos:It's been really tough on her...everybody finding out about the affair. Lynette:Yeah, I can imagine. Carlos:I don't mind telling you,it's, uh...it's been pretty tough on us the past couple months. Lynette:Oh, well,I'm not surprised,and I really, really hope you can work it out. Carlos:Yeah, we're trying.You know...mm-hmm? Lynette:Yeah? Carlos:Gaby had an interesting suggestion. Lynette:Oh? Carlos:She told me that I should go out and have an affair of my own.She thinks it's the only way I'll be able to
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get over what she did to me and that it just might help our marriage. Lynette:Why are you telling me this? Carlos:Uh...I guess I just, uh...wanted to know if you had any thoughts on the subject? Lynette:I... don't.(laughs nervously)I really don't. Carlos:Well, if you ever do,let me know.By the way... Lynette:Mm-hmm? Carlos:That was one hell of a kiss you gave me.You can't fake chemistry like that. (Carlos walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Zach is asleep on his bed. Paul walks in. He removes an open book that's lying on Zach's chest and puts it on the desk. He sees a bowling score card in the trash can. He picks it up and sees Susan, Julie, Mike and Zach's names. He throws the book on Zach's chest, waking him up.) Paul:What the hell is this? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's House - Daytime] (Paul storms out of his front door to Mike's house. Mike is in the front yard, raking.) Paul: Delfino? (He punches Mike.) Paul:Stay away from my son! (Paul walks back toward his house as Susan backs out of her driveway. Mike gets up and chases Paul. Susan looks over just as Mike tackles Paul.) Susan:Oh, my god! (Paul and Mike wrestle. Susan, watching them, does not see the oncoming car. The car honks and Susan swerves, hitting Monroe's car, which is still parked in front of the Applewhite house. The trunk pops up. Zach runs out to his father. Mike runs after Susan's car. The Applewhites come out of their house.) Zach: Dad! Mike:You okay? Susan:I'm fine. (Mrs. Fromme, walking her cat, looks in the opened trunk, and screams. Everyone walks over and sees the dead man in the trunk. Susan and Mike look at Paul, who raises his hands in denial.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Police are all over. Susan is talking to a police detective.) Susan:So I swerved to avoid hitting his car,and I hit this parked car instead,and that's when the trunk popped open,and when we got out, we found this dead body and... (Betty and Matthew stand on their porch, watching all the police activity.) Matthew:Are you worried now?'Cause I am. Betty:Not yet. Just be patient.See what happens. (Susan approaches Bree, Edie, Lynette and Gabrielle.) Bree:How'd it go? Susan:Well, I told him everything I know,which wasn't much. Gabrielle:So are we thinking this is Paul? Lynette:Well, he is our friendly neighborhood murderer. Bree:Yeah, it seems obvious. Susan:I don't know. I saw his face when he looked in the trunk.And he looked just as shocked as I was.
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Edie:I'm thinking it's the Applewhites.I talked to the dead guy,and he said that he was doing an appraisal on their house.Well,I got a little cheesed,so I called every realtor in town.Nobody had even heard of him. Lynette:That doesn't mean Betty knew him. Edie: Please.Those two are fishy.They bought that house sight unseen,and they did move in... Gabrielle:...in the middle of the night. Susan:And there were the noises. Bree:What noises? Susan:Oh, a couple of weeks ago,um, I heard some noises coming from the basement,like a clanging.And I asked Betty about it.She lied right to my face. Lynette:What's that about? Susan:I don't know. (All the ladies turn and stare at the Applewhites. Betty waves and they wave back.) Betty:Now I'm worried. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Paul's House - Nighttime] (Zach is on his porch, playing his guitar when a car pulls up in front of Susan's house. Julie gets out of the car.) Zach:Julie!Julie! Julie:Hi. Zach:Hey.My, uh, dad found out about us bowling.I'm not gonna be able to do that anytime soon. Julie:Oh. Sorry. Zach:No, no,I'm glad that we did.I haven't feel like part of a family in a long time.Thanks.I, um, I better get back inside. (Julie kisses Zach on the cheek.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The act itself never varies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:The act itself never varies.But each kiss carries with it a meaning all its own.It can convey a husband's eternal devotion... (Tom grabs Lynette and begins kissing her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:...or a wife's enormous regret. (Gabrielle hugs and kisses Carlos.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:It can symbolize a mother's growing concern... (Betty kisses Matthew in the forehead.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:...or a lover's growing passion. (Andrew and Justin are making out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:But whatever its meaning,each kiss... (Karl and Edie are on the couch together. They kiss.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Fromme's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:...reflects a basic human need. (meows) Mrs. Fromme hugs her cat, whispering to it. Mrs. Fromme: (whispers) Mommy's baby. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:The need to connect to another human being. (Bree is staring lovingly at a photo of Rex. She places a kiss on her fingers then touches Rex's lips.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Paul's House - Nighttime] (Julie and Zach are staring into each other's eyes.) Mary Alice Voiceover:This desire is so strong,it's always amazing when some people... (From the house, Paul stares out of the window, watching them.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...don't understand it.
~ The End ~ 1: ?Monroe "",! http://countrychina.com/soc/lyri ... inestone_cowboy.wma Rhinestone Cowboy (Glen Campbell) I've been walking these streets so long Singing the same old song I know every crack On these dirty sidewalks of Broadway Where hustle is the name of the game And nice guys get washed away Like the snow and the rain There's been a load of compromising On the road to my horizon But I'm gonna be where the lights Are shining on me Like a rhinestone cowboy Riding out on a horse In a star spangled rodeo Rhinestone cowboy Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know Offers coming over the phone Well I really don't mind the rain
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And a smile can hide the pain But you're down when you're riding a train That's taking the long way But I dream of the things I'll do With a subway token and a dollar Tucked inside my shoe There's been a load of compromising On the road to my horizon But I'm gonna be Where the lights are shining on me Like a rhinestone cowboy Riding out on a horse In a star spangled rodeo Rhinestone cowboy Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know Offers coming over the phone Like a rhinestone cowboy Riding out on a horse In a star spangled rodeo Rhinestone cowboy Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know Offers coming over the phone ~The end~
Desperate Housewives 2x12 - "We're Gonna Be All Right" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Noah:I'm gonna die,and I'd like to know what happened to my daughter before I do. Mary Alice Voiceover:When it comes to wisteria lane,there are old crimes...new crimes... Betty:As soon as it gets dark,we get rid of that body. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and crimes that are happening...right under everyone's nose. Edie:I'm thinking it's the Applewhites. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant Bar] (Jim is sitting at the bar having a drink.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Jim Halverson was aware that he had little to offer a woman.He was neither rich,nor smart,nor handsome. (Susan taps Jim on the shoulder.) Susan:Are you Jim?I'm Susan Mayer. Jim: Oh!
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Mary Alice Voiceover:So when his friend set him up on a blind date with a beautiful stranger... Jim:Wow,you're so much hotter than Nikki said you'd be.How old are you? Susan:How old do you think I am? Mary Alice Voiceover:Jim made the tragic decision to try to be funny. Jim:Not a day over 50. Susan:Why don't we get our table? (As Susan walks into the restaurant, Jim tries to explain his humor.) Jim:Well,no,see,that was funny,because you're so obviously not 50.That's why I said 50,'cause it's absurd. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant - Interior] Mary Alice Voiceover:Jim did everything he could to get Susan Mayer to laugh.He tried racial humor... Jim:So guess what time Chinese people go to the dentist?2:30.uh,get it?"Tooth-hurty?"Tooth-hurty. (Jim laughs, Susan nods politely.) Jim:I love that. Mary Alice Voiceover:He tried to be engagingly risqu Jim:Rectum?Damn near killed him! (Susan stares at him.) Jim:You know what a rectum is,right? (Susan choking on her food, nods.) Mary Alice Voiceover:He even tried gentle teasing. Jim:No,no,you see,by comparing you to a Nazi,I was making the point that you're so not a Nazi.You're like the-(While explaining, Jim knocks over his napkin.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And just when Jim thought the date couldn't get any worse....... (Susan and Jim reach down to the floor and bang heads.) Susan: Oh! Oww! Oh! Mary Alice Voiceover:It did. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Emergency Room] (A doctor is examining Jim, flashing a light in his eyes.) Dr. Mccready:Okay,Jim,I need you to look up...and down.All right,so,how did this happen? Susan:It was an accident. Jim:Oh,I don't know about that.In some cultures head-butting is a mating ritual. Susan: Dr. Mccready,can I talk to you about my head?Away from...the draft? Dr. Mccready:You can call me Dr. Ron. Everyone does. (They move to the corner of the room.) Susan: Dr. Ron...I need you to pretend there's something wrong with me and admit me for the night. Dr. Ron:I'm sorry? Susan:This is the worst date I have ever been on in my life. (They glance over at Jim who has inflated a glove and is "milking" it while telling the nurse a joke.) Susan:That man is the most obnoxious,offensive,annoying human being.And you're looking at me like I'm crazy right now,but I will be if I spend one more second with him.So you gotta help me.You gotta do something. (She grabs his lapels.) Susan:It's my mental health.My mental health!You took an oath. Dr. Ron:Could you let goof my lapel,please?
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Susan:Oh,sorry. Dr. Ron:Um,listen,I'm sorry your date's not going well.But I can't admit you,Susan. Susan:Right. Right. (Dr. Ron walks back to Jim.) Dr. Ron:Jim,let's,uh,let's take a look at those reflexes. Jim:Okay,I got a joke for you,doctor.What's the correct medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit?Hare cut. Dr. Ron:I don't--I always--Jim,I'm gonna need to keep you here for awhile,run some tests. Jim:Really?I-Dr. Ron:Yeah,I'm still worried about that bump on your head here. (Dr. Ron presses the bump on Jim's head as Susan smiles.) Jim:Oh. Ow! That's still... Dr. Ron:And,Susan,you're good to go. Mary Alice Voiceover:And though it only lasted a moment,Jim caught the look that passed between his date...and his doctor. (Dr. Ron looks at Susan. Susan smiles. Dr. Ron winks.) Susan:Thank you so much,Dr. Ron. (Jim looks on in shock as Susan leaves.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And he suddenly got the feeling the joke was on him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (A banner hangs, indicating the Wisteria Lane Blood Drive.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The annual blood drive was a tradition on Wisteria Lane.Most residents came to help promote health and well-being. (Zach walks through a crowded park. Everyone is filling out forms. Susan, Bree, Gabrielle, Edie, and Lynette are sitting on the bench filling out forms as well.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But my friends turned up for a different reason.They were growing increasingly concerned that their street was infected with a dangerous kind of sickness.And they came to consult with one another about a possible cure. (Susan is watching Matthew and Betty Applewhite. They see her and wave.) Susan:Great,she caught me staring. Gabrielle:Have you guys noticed how friendly Betty's been since that body was found in front of her house? Edie:I don't trust friendly women. Lynette:That's okay.They don't trust you,either. Susan:I just know those two have something to do with that dead body. Bree: Do we even know who he is? Susan:Well,the paper said the police are withholding the details. Gabrielle:Bree,maybe you should call in a favor from your police detective pal,have him poke around. Susan:That's a great idea.You could have him do a background check on the Applewhites. Bree:I don't think I can do that. Susan:Why not?You said he was nice. Bree:Well,once he stopped suspecting me of murdering Rex he was delightful,but,um...I don't really know him. Susan:Well,somebody has to do something,'cause I'm losing sleep. (Betty and Matthew approach.)
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Gabrielle:Betty! Matthew. Betty:Hello,everybody.Susan,a little birdie told me you're having a birthday soon.We should all go out and celebrate. Susan:Super. Lynette:Sounds like a plan. Gabrielle:Count me in. (As Betty and Matthew walk away, Bree waves.) Bree:Bye. Lynette:See ya. (Betty and Matthew talk quietly to each other.) Matthew:So why are you everybody's best friend all of a sudden? Betty:If there was ever a time to be neighborly,this is it. Matthew:We're idiots for staying here.I mean,we should've hit the road as soon as they found Monroe's body.I mean,how do we know he didn't tell Foster where we're hiding? Betty:Because if he had,Foster would've shown up by now.And besides,if we take off,what are we gonna live on?I have all of our money tied up in this house. Matthew: So why not just sell it? Betty: Patience, Matthew. If we take off right away,it'll look suspicious.Now what we need is a story--a reason for us to move. (Zach approaches the nurse's table in the park, handing her a clipboard.) Nurse: Look at this,a-b negative. Zach:Yeah,it's the rarest of all blood types. Nurse:Well,there must be something in the water around these parts.You're my second a-b negative today. Zach:Seriously?Uh,who was it? Nurse:That guy. (The nurse looks around and points at Mike, who's walking away. Zach stares at him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Bree is removing snails from her flowers. Betty approaches.) Betty:Hi,Bree. Bree:Oh,hi. Betty:I just wanted to thank you for your advice on my azaleas.They're just thriving. Bree:Oh,it was no trouble at all. Betty:Such a shame I may not be around to enjoy them.Well,my mother has taken ill.And Matthew and I,we'll probably go and visit her.We may even be moving.We just don't know yet. Bree:Oh,well,where does she live? Betty:Oh,back in Chicago. Bree:Is it serious? Betty:I-I don't know yet.Well,obviously,I'll be speaking with her doctor. Bree:Oh,Betty,if there's anything I can do,anything at all... Betty:Thank you.You've already done so much.Bye. (Betty walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan removes the blood drive tape from her arm as Julie walks in.) Julie:That Dr. Ron called.He needs to see you for a follow-up appointment.
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Susan:He needs to see me or he wants to see me? Julie:Jeez,mom,how cute is this guy? Susan:Oh,he could be cuter...but I don't know how. Julie:So ask him out. Susan:Oh,no,I can't do that. Julie:Mom,he's a cute surgeon.What's the problem? Susan:He's young. Julie:Young? Susan:Younger than me. Julie:How much younger? Susan: Let's just say if I was a senior in high school,I'd be saying,"wow,you're a hot fifth grader." Julie:Oh,well,of course it's gonna sound gross if you say it that way.But you're both adults.So why not just ask him out? Susan:'Cause the conversation could go something like this,"Dr. Ron,I think you're hot.""Oh,well,thank you,ma'am."Now I think it's time we talk about your hip replacement." Julie:Mom,you're hot and funny and nice.And... clearly desperate,and guys are into that.Play to your strengths. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House] (Lynette drives into her driveway. Tom runs out to meet her.) Tom:Thank god you're home. Lynette:What's wrong? Pat said you told her it was an emergency! Tom:The boys were sent home from school. Lynette:What? Why? I called.The machine kept picking up. Tom:I know. I know.Look,I...they've got chicken pox. Lynette:Chicken pox?That's the emergency? Tom:They're totally contagious. Lynette:Not to us. Tom:They are to me!I've never had it. Lynette:Well,you never told me that. Tom:You know,the point is,I can't go in there.It's a hot zone. Lynette:Well,Tom,somebody's gotta take care of our kids. Tom:Exactly. Lynette:And since you're immune-Lynette:Oh,you've gotta be kidding!I have to get back to work! Tom:Just for a couple of days,until they're not contagious. Lynette:It is not the ebola virus.It's chicken pox.You are being a baby. Tom:Yes,I am. Lynette:Okay. Tom:And if you think I'm being a baby now,do I need to remind you of what I'm like when I'm sick?Remember that time I had strep throat?We wound up in marriage counseling. Lynette:I'll call the office. Tom:Thanks,honey. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is sitting on her porch, reading a magazine, when her gardener approaches.)
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Ralph:Uh,Mrs. Solis,I gotta talk to you. Gabrielle:Ralph,if this is about Luis overwatering the hydrangeas again,I told you,no one likes a tattletale. Ralph:My wife left me. Gabrielle:Oh,I'm sorry.I didn't know you and Bonita were having problems. Ralph:We weren't.Uh,it was all of a sudden.She just packed her bags and left.She said I have an illness,and I need to get help. Gabrielle:Why? Ralph:There's nothing wrong with me.I just like to look at pretty ladies on the internet.And sure,they're not always dressed,and sometimes,there's more than one.But I only go to the classy web sites.There's some really sick stuff out there,Mrs. Solis. Gabrielle:Ralph!Make your point. Ralph:Um,last night,uh,I found this new web site.And there was a picture of a lady sitting on a bearskin rug with nothing on except for a little pointyelf hat. It was very festive. Gabrielle:Uh,Ralph,why are you telling me this? Ralph:I'm sorry.It's just,um...ahem. I think you really need to see this. (He hands her a sheet of paper.) Gabrielle:Oh,my god! Ralph:The lighting looks great on you,Mrs. Solis.I mean,most of the time,you have to squint at the screen to see anything really good.And not here,no,sir,that's good. Gabrielle:Well,um,thank you,Ralph,for bringing this to my attention. Ralph:Uh,Mrs. Solis,I was wondering...would you sign that for me?Oh,okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's House] (A nurse is working, giving Noah a shot as he lies in bed. She leaves briefly and Noah looks at Mike, who's sitting on a chair near the bed.) Noah:Where have you been?Why didn't you come to see me? Mike:I came every Sunday.You were just too out of it to know I was here. Noah:I think you're lying.But then again,these days,I think everyone's been lying to me.The thing is,you're here now.So tell me what I wanna know.Did you find the man who killed my daughter? Mike:It was a guy named Todd Forrest--this lowlife drug dealer.He got her hooked again.She tried to steal from him,and he killed her.And I killed him.I thought hearing that would make you happy. Noah:I thought it would,too.But it doesn't. (The nurse comes back to put another needle in Noah. He grimaces and lets out a cry of pain.) Nurse:I'm sorry.I wanna start your I.V.,But your veins are kinda bad. Noah:Well,here,let me help you. (He takes the needle and sticks the nurse.) Nurse:What the hell are you doing?You're crazy! Noah:You're fired.Get out. (The nurse leaves, holding her arm.) Noah:So I guess we're done then? Mike:Yeah. Noah:You,uh...you gonna come see me again? Mike:You planning on having an open casket? (Noah smirks. Mike leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House]
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(Tom is hitting golf balls across the lawn while Carlos watches. Lynette comes out with a plate of sandwiches.) Lynette:Hey,guys. Carlos:Hi,Lynette. Lynette:Hi,Carlos. Tom:All right! A reuben?How sweet is that?Lunch brought right to the golf course. Carlos:I hear you got some pretty sick kids in there. Lynette:Oh,it's just chicken pox.But brave heart here will only come in to sleep and shower. Carlos:I can't say I blame him.I wouldn't want to be shooting blanks either.Be well,my man. Tom: Okay. Carlos: Bye, Lynette. Lynette:See ya later. (Carlos leaves.) Lynette:See you later.I'm sorry,what did he mean,"shooting blanks"? Tom:Oh,it's nothing.There's just a small chance of sterility if a grown man gets chicken pox,so... Lynette:We're not having any more kids.Why would it matter? Tom:I don't know.You know,survival instinct? Lynette:So that if you're the last man to survive a nuclear holocaust,you could repopulate the planet? Tom:No,all I'm saying is that,god forbid something were to happen to either one of us,I'd want either one of us to have,you know,options. Lynette:So you're saying that if I died...you would want a second wife and a family? Tom:Maybe. Lynette:I can't believe you've actually thought about this! Tom:Haven't you? Lynette:Thought about who I'd marry if you died?Hmm. No. Tom:Well,honey,it's a back-up plan.I'm not gonna use it. Lynette:Then why have it? Tom:Well,I don't know,because...it's like,there's this door,right?And I'm not planning on actually going through it because I'm so happy in the room that I'm in.But in case of fire or flood,it's comforting to know that the door is unlocked. (Lynette grabs the sandwich out of Tom's hand and the plate.) Tom:Honey,I'm not through with that! Lynette:Yeah,well,why don't you have your second wife make you lunch,okay? Oops! (Lynette throws the sandwiches on the ground. She storms back inside. Tom picks up the sandwich and examines it.) Tom:You... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Bree and Detective Barton are having a meal.) Barton:Bree,uh,I have to say,I was,uh,I was very pleased to get your call.I mean,I'm surprised you'd want to have anything to do with me given our recent history. Bree:Oh,you mean your having suspected me of murdering my husband?Detective,that is all water under the bridge now. (Bree takes a drink of wine.) Barton:I am very glad to hear you say that. Bree:Although,I have to confess,I do have an ulterior motive.I need to ask you a favor.
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Barton:Oh,well,shoot,whatever I can do. Bree:We have these,um,new neighbors--the Applewhites.It's a mother and her son. They just moved here from Chicago.And they seem very nice.But there's--there's something about them that's...off.They're...odd. Barton:Odd? Bree:Yeah,they're secretive and watchful.And there was a dead body found in front of their house. Barton:I can't run a background check on your neighbors for being odd.Is that why you wanted to see me? To--to ask me that? Bree:Yeah,why? Barton:Well,I just--during the investigation,I just thought there was a kind of a,um...spark between us.You know,I thought this might be a date. Bree:Uh,no.I just wanted to ask you a favor. Barton:Fine,no harm done.When do I ever get to have lunch with such a lovely lady anyway?Date or...no date. Bree:Are you sure that you can't check on the Applewhites?I mean,I just know that there's something there.And,you know,I have a sixth sense about people. Barton:And yet,you got engaged to the man who murdered your husband. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (A nurse has just taken Susan's blood pressure.) Nurse:Well,your blood pressure looks fine.You're free to go,Mrs. Mayer. Susan:You mean,I'm not gonna see Dr. Ron? Nurse:Well,I do the follow-up exams.Dr. Ron only comes in if there's a problem. Susan:Oh,well,maybe I should go ahead and see him anyway,just to be safe. Nurse:I'm sorry.Dr. Ron's schedule is very tight today.So unless you're having a serious problem... (Later, Dr. Ron is in the room with Susan.) Ron:You're experiencing nausea,chills and tingling,huh? Susan:Yeah,but now that I think about it,I bet it's just all the coffee I drink.I drink way too much coffee.Do you like to drink coffee? Ron:Uh,no.No.So the tingling is in your fingers and your toes? Susan:I should switch to juice.I know the best juice place.You would love it.Do you drink juice? Ron:Well,Susan,how often have you been having these involuntary muscle spasms? Susan:Oh,oh,not that often.I probably just need a good massage. (Dr. Ron grabs Susan's chin and looks into her eyes.) Ron:Susan? Susan:Yeah? Ron:I wanna get you in for an M.R.I. Susan:Oh,oh,no,I don't think that's necessary. Ron:Are you a doctor? Susan:I got high marks in math and science. Ron:I wanna get you in for an M.R.I. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Bree continues to drink her wine. The waiter brings the bill, which the detective reaches for.) Bree:No,no,no,I think given the misunderstanding that I should get the bill. Barton:I won't hear of it. Bree:All right,we'll split it.
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Barton:Fair enough. (As they both reach for their money, Bree drops her wallet.) Barton:You know what?Let me,uh,let me give you a ride home. Bree: Detective Barton,is this some sort of high school ploy to get me back to your place? Barton:I just don't think you should be driving a car.You've been drinking. Bree:I had two glasses of wine. Barton:Three,plus the tawny port with dessert.It's all here on the bill if you wanna take a look. Bree:You know what?I politely rejected you,and now you're getting your revenge by embarrassing me. Barton:You've had too much to drink.Give me your keys. Bree:I am not giving you anything.Except the bill. (Bree gets up and grabs the cash she had put on the bill.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Car] (Bree is driving home. Her car is slightly weaving on the road. Behind her is a police car. The police siren signals her to stop. She pulls over. Detective Barton gets out of the police car and approaches Bree's car.) Bree:What do you think you're doing? Barton:I followed you to make sure you were okay.You were weaving.Please step out of the car. Bree:Oh,you can't be serious. Barton:Out. (Bree gets out of the car.) Bree: Detective,I am not drunk,and I am not stupid.I know exactly what this is all about. Barton:I'm gonna need you to take a sobriety test. Bree:A sobriety test? I'm not taking any sobriety...test.This behavior stems from the hurt feelings of a man with very low self-esteem.The world is a big place,and I'm sure there is a woman out there somewhere who'll respond to your macho posturing. Barton:Well...here's hoping. (Detective Barton pulls out handcuffs and cuffs Bree's hands behind her back.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle's laptop sits on the counter behind her and Carlos.) Gabrielle:Baby,what you're about to see will most likely shock and upset you. Carlos:Okay. Gabrielle:Remember Scott,the photographer I was dating when we met?The one I dumped for you,who never really got over it and who I always said was gonna get back at me? Carlos:Hum? Gabrielle:Oh,Carlos,I love you so much. Carlos:Move.What is this? Gabrielle:Scott's web site,with pictures of me on it.well,say something. Carlos:Oh,my god. Gabrielle:It was supposed to be funny--a naughty little Christmas gift for my boyfriend. Carlos:Oh,my god! Gabrielle:I know,I was freakishly flexible back then.I'm sorry!Look,what are we gonna do about this? Carlos:I guess I'll call my lawyers. Gabrielle:I gave these pictures to him as a gift.He owns them. Carlos:Then I guess we're screwed. Gabrielle:Not necessarily.See,here's what I'm thinking--Scott's a coward,so you could totally put the scare
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into him.All you gotta do is go and rough him up,and he'll take my pictures off the web site like that. Carlos:I'm sorry,but this is your mistake.You're gonna have to fix it yourself. Gabrielle:And I would love to,but I have the upper body strength of a kitten.I need a brute! Carlos:Gaby,I am just now starting to get my rage issues under control.This brute doesn't swing that way anymore,so go find another. Gabrielle:Well,when you left prison,did they leave you a contact list? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital MRI Room] (A technician removes the dust cover from the machine. He folds it and places it on the back of a chair. Later, Susan and the technician enter the room.) Susan:So is Dr. Ron gonna be here for this? MRI Technician:Oh,yeah,yeah,yeah.Uh,there's a hook on the wall there so go ahead and get your stuff hung up and,uh,just get comfy. Dr. Ron should be here pretty soon. Susan:Okay. (The technician leaves. Susan hangs up her purse and removes her jacket.) (Later, Susan is standing in her bra and panties trying to figure out how to put on the dust cover from the machine. The technician watches her through a one-way glass. Dr. Ron enters the technician's room.) Ron:Is she trying to put on the dust cover? MRI Technician:Yep. Ron:How long are we gonna let this go on? MRI Technician:Just a few more minutes. Ron (over the speaker):Hi,uh,Susan?It's Dr. Ron.You don't have to get undressed for this. Susan:Oh,uh,I-I,uh...then why did you put out a gown? Ron:No,no,it's not a gown.It's the dust cover for the M.R.I. Machine. (Later, Susan is on the bed of the MRI machine. She is slowly entering the machine.) Ron (over the speaker):This should take about 45 minutes.Now I know it's really cramped and uncomfortable in there,but try not to move.Susan,I realize that this whole process must be troubling for you. Susan:Yeah,it's pretty troubling. Ron:Well,we're gonna get to the bottom of this.And I'll be here for you,okay? Susan:Hey,Dr. Ron?I just have a feeling that everything's gonna turn out fine.And when it does...I'd like to buy you dinner to celebrate my health.You know,I was thinking maybe Italian?Oh,what the heck,maybe we can call it a date.If you like.Dr. Ron? MRI Technician:Uh,he left awhile ago.He got a phone call from his girlfriend. Susan:Okay.Thank you.I'd like to get out now. MRI Technician:Try not to move. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's House] (Gardeners Luis and Ralph are trimming the hedges with electric trimmers. Carlos comes out for the paper. Gabrielle comes out with her yoga mat.) Gabrielle:Good morning,Luis,Ralph. Luis:Good morning,Mrs. Solis. Ralph:Good morning,Mrs. Solis. Gabrielle:Good morning,honey. Carlos:Hey,you're talkingto me again. Gabrielle:Well,I thought about what you said--about the pictures--and you're right.It was my mistake and I have to live with it.
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(Carlos goes inside. Gabrielle spreads her yoga mat on the porch. Carlos, inside, sits down to read the paper in the living room. He sees Gabrielle outside the front window. She removes all of her clothes and begins to do her yoga naked. The gardeners stop working to watch her and Carlos runs outside.) Carlos:What the hell are you doing?! Gabrielle:I'm living with it! Carlos (to the gardeners):Hey,turn around and keep gardening! Gabrielle:Aw,you're so mean. Carlos: Put your clothes on right now. Gabrielle:Why? You either care if men leer at me or not.And you made it clear that you don't.So what's the point? Carlos:Gabrielle,I am not beating this guy up for you! Gabrielle:Then you better think of another way to get my pictures back.Because if you don't,people on Wisteria Lane are gonna be seeing a lot more of me!Ralph,Luis,feast your eyes! (Ralph and Luis stare. Ralph hits Luis' hand with the hedge trimmer that's on.) Luis:My finger!Ah! (Ralph drops to the ground.) Ralph:I'll find it! Luis:Aah,my finger! Ralph:It's gotta be here somewhere.I'll look for it,man.Don't worry,man.I'll find it. Luis:Oh,my finger! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette is sitting on her couch, lost in deep concentration. Tom comes downstairs wearing a face mask and gloves.) Tom:Hey,honey,good news.I checked on penny,and she didn't scream.I think she's getting used to the mask. Lynette:I don't want you to have options,Tom.If I die,I wanna hear your life would be over.I want you to spend the rest of your life screaming,"it should've been me on that plane!" Tom: Plane? Lynette:I'm assuming there was a crash.It could've been something else. Tom:Okay,wait,wait,wait,wait. Lynette: Do you have any idea how painful it is to hear about you even think about your next wife and kids?I could never do that!I can't imagine my life without you.You are my everything! Tom:Honey,you're my everything. Lynette:Okay,well,that's easy to say,but I need you to show me. Tom:How? Lynette:With a vasec to me. Tom:Can't I just get you some flowers? Lynette: Look,it makes perfect sense.We're not gonna have any more kids.And the pill just makes me bloat.It'll be great! Tom:No,okay,Lynette,this is crazy. Lynette:Oh,I know! I know!But it is what married people do.They go out of their way to calm each other's irrational fears.Oh,come on,Tom.I really need you to do this. Tom:Well,okay.Fine,yeah.I'll make an appointment. Lynette:Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[County Jail]
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(Bree is sitting in a holding cell with another woman who is dressed very scantily.) Prostitute:Hey,Can I ask you somethin'? Bree:I'd rather you didn't. Prostitute:How'd you get started? Bree:Started? Prostitute:You know,in the escort business? Bree:I beg your pardon? Prostitute:I bet the guys go crazy with your whole...classy,repressed thing you got going on,huh?I mean,your skin has,like,no pores. Bree:I am not sure,but I think there was a compliment in there somewhere,so thank you.But I am not an escort. Prostitute:How much you charge a night? Bree: Look,I'm...$5,000. Prostitute:What do you have to do exactly for 5 grand? (Bree just smiles. An officer approaches and unlocks the cell.) Officer:All right.Your bail cleared.You're free to go.Your car's at the impound lot.And you can pick it up in the morning. Bree:Well,how am I supposed to get home? I don't have any money. Officer:Call a friend. Bree:I have been through enough humiliation for one day.I hope you have a better suggestion than that. Officer:Okay,well,let me think,um...walk. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Streets - Nighttime] (Bree is walking home on a dark street. Her heel breaks.) Bree:Oh,for goodness sakes! (She takes off her shoes and walks barefoot. An SUV pulls up next to her and honks. It's Betty.) Betty:Bree?Is everything okay? Bree:Oh,oh,I'm fine.I just,um,had a flat tire. Betty:It's your lucky day.I'm a whiz at changing tires. Hop in. Bree:You know,thank you,but I think it's actually something more mechanical.My car has been making just a terrible noise. Betty:Well,I have auto club.Come on. Bree:Actually,my car has been impounded by the police. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Betty's car pulls up to Bree's house.) Bree:Thanks,Betty,and,um...I'd appreciate it if you could keep this little incident to yourself. Betty:I won't say a word.I swear. Bree:Well,that's good to hear,because most people on this street couldn't keep a secret if their lives depended on it. Betty:Well,Bree,even if everyone does find out,it's no big deal.I mean,lots of people have D.U.I.S. Bree:Yes,but the difference is most of those people were actually drunk when they were arrested.I was not. Betty:Well,of course. Bree:You know,you sound like you don't believe me. Betty:Well,um,it's just...I know you've gone through a lot lately--the death of your husband,problems with your
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son.It would only be natural if you did self-medicate. Bree:I'm sorry,but since when do you know so much about my personal life? Betty:Bree,it's like you said--the people on this street are not great at keeping secrets. Bree:Except for you.You're really good at it. Betty:I beg your pardon? Bree:Well,you moved into your house in the middle of the night.God knows what you moved in that you didn't want anybody to see.People hear sounds coming at all hours from there.And,oh,what was the last one?Oh,right--they found a dead body in front of your home.Everybody talks about the Applewhites,but nobody can figure out exactly what you people are hiding.So congratulations.Your secrets are safe...for now. (Bree gets out of Betty's car and slams the door. Betty reaches for her cell phone.) Betty (on the phone):Edie?Hi,it's Betty Applewhite.Yeah,I'm sorry to call you so late but,um...I really need to meet with you first thing in the morning.Yes.Well,I've decided to sell my house. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House - Daytime] (Susan opens her door and finds Dr. Ron.) Susan: Dr. Ron?What are you doing here? Ron:Uh,we need to talk.And it's not the kind of talk we can have over the phone. Susan:Oh,are you sure?Um,because I would look a lot better over the phone right now. Ron:Um,Susan,your,uh,your test results came back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (She and Dr. Ron are having coffee.) Ron:And for the life of me,I can't figure it out.Now based on the--on the symptoms you were describing-Susan:Symptoms? Ron:Yeah,the dizziness,the tingling,the muscle spasms,the chills--it could be neurological.It also could be based on an autoimmune disorder.I just--frankly,I'm stumped. Susan:Oh,no,no,no,no. Ron:Hey,listen,we're gonna get through this,okay? Susan:I am so sorry.But I'm not sick. Ron:What are you talking about? Susan:Your nurse wouldn't let me see you,and I...really wanted to see you,so I sort of faked all my symptoms.The dizziness,the chills,you know,all of it. Ron:Why--why would you do something like that?What the hell is wrong with you? Susan:I know. I know.I feel really awful.I am just not the best at meeting men.And I thought you were cute,and I sort of thought that maybe you thought I was cute,and you're a doctor,and that's so sexy. Ron:So I was up all night worried sick digging through medical books,trying to figure out some mysterious disease that doesn't really exist? Susan:Really?You were up all night? Ron:Yes.I don't enjoy telling people I think they're going to die.Especially not people I like. Susan:You like me? Ron:Yes. Susan:What about your girlfriend? Ron:What girlfriend? Susan:The one who called in the M.R.I. Room? Ron:We had one date. She wanted a referral to a dermatologist.She's got eczema. (Dr. Ron walks out the door to his car. Susan runs after him.)
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Susan:Oh.Maybe we could go out sometime? Ron: Do you like sushi? Susan:I love sushi.I'm available tomorrow night. Ron:No,no,no,tomorrow's no good.I'll still be angry.I should be cooled down by Friday. Susan:Oh,uh,Friday's good. (Dr. Ron gets in his car.) Ron:Oh,there's one thing--your M.R.I. showed that you have a wandering spleen. Susan:A what? Ron:It's a wandering spleen.It's no big deal.Sometimes the thing just moves around in there.But we'll keep an eye on it. (Dr. Ron drives off.) Susan:Wandering what? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Scott's Studio] (Carlos and Gabrielle pull up in the parking lot.) Gabrielle:Okay,go get him,tiger. Carlos:I can't do it,Gaby. Gabrielle:What? Carlos:I can't go in there.I thought I could,but I can't. Gabrielle:You promised! Carlos:Ever since I got out of prison,I've been trying to lead a better life.And for the first time,I can honestly say that I'm a good catholic,and I don't want to ruin that.So do this today and go to an extra long mass tomorrow. Gabrielle:It doesn't work that way.Okay,look,I'm really trying to understand your moral dilemma here,I am.But if you don't get my pictures back,I'm gonna be humiliated.You think our gardener is the only local pervsurfing the web? Carlos:I'm sorry,Gabrielle. Gabrielle:You used to go crazy when men would so much as look at me the wrong way--and that's when I had clothes on. Carlos:I'm trying to be better than that now. Gabrielle:Or maybe you just don't love me as much as you used to. Carlos:Why can't you just let me be a good person?You know,if you really loved me,you wouldn't even ask me to go in there. Gabrielle:If you really loved me,I wouldn't have to ask!Fine,forget it. Carlos:Really? Gabrielle:Be a good person.Knock yourself out. Carlos:It's not that I don't love you. I--yeah,okay,look,let's just go home. (Carlos takes off his seat belt and begins getting out of the car.) Gabrielle:What are you doing? Carlos:I'm getting your pictures back.I'm not gonna hurt him.I'll talk to him,appeal to his better nature. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scott's Studio] (Carlos walks in.) Scott:Can I help you? Carlos:I'm Carlos Solis.You have,uh,naked pictures of my wife on your web site. Scott:You're,uh...Gabrielle's husband?well,you know what?I was just about to take those off anyway.
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Carlos:Oh,that's great.I really appreciate this,Scott. Scott:Hey,no problem.To tell you the truth,Gabrielle's pages weren't exactly raking in the big bucks for me. Carlos:I find that hard to believe. Scott:I'm not saying Gabrielle's not a pretty girl.Of course she is.But,uh,she ain't exactly internet pretty,you know? Carlos:What does that mean? Scott:The web's about fantasy,not fashion.I mean,guys surfing for porn,they don't care how the clothes are hanging off the body.They just wanna see the goods. So,uh,if little miss nasty ain't rocking some curves... Carlos:My wife has a perfect figure. Scott: Don't get me wrong.Our little Gaby knows how to,uh...work a runway,but,uh,when it comes to cyber lovin'.No real man's gonna waste tissue on that.There you go.That's all of 'em.So we cool now? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Scott's Studio] (Scott crashes through the window. Carlos comes out flexing his fist. Gabrielle smiles.) Gabrielle:Now that's my guy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom walks in.) Lynette:Hey. Tom:Hey. Lynette:You're not limping.Did everything go okay? Tom:I couldn't do it. Lynette:What happened? Tom:I don't know.I got there,I...I put on the paper gown and I,uh...I just couldn't do it. Lynette:Why not? Tom:It felt likeI was being emasculated. Lynette:Oh,please. Tom:I'm serious,Lynette.I don't make the money around here anymore.I don't provide for you and the kids.And I wasn't gonna let them snip out the last thing that makes me a man. Lynette:Staying home and taking care of the kids doesn't make you less of a man.That's crazy. Tom:You expect me to calm your irrational fears?I expect you to calm mine. Lynette:Are you saying you're unhappy? Tom:A little bit, yeah. Lynette:Well, what are we gonna do about that? Tom:I don't know. Lynette:Well, can't we just... Tom:No,Lynette...I don't know. (Tom goes upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree comes in with a grocery bag and pushes the answering machine play button.) Barton (on the answering machine):Hi, it's Detective Barton.Look, I feel awful about what happened the other day.I was a jerk.So to maket up to you,I did some sniffing around about the dead man they found in front of your neighbor's house.I've got some information.His name was Curtis Monroe...a private detective who lost his license a couple of years ago.He's apparently from Chicago.Now I don't know if any of this is helpful, but... (Bree stops the tape and rewinds.)
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Barton:... a couple of years ago.He's apparently from chicago.Now I don't know if any of this is helpful,but i just feel terrible about what happened. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:Illnesses can take on many forms.Those of the body are easy to treat.Much more difficult are the hidden maladies that fester in our hearts... (Lynette is applying lotion to all her kids with chicken pox. She turns and looks at Tom.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ralph's House - Nighttime] (Ralph is looking at websites on his computer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The secret addictions that consume our souls. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree is on her front porch drinking wine.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And the diseases we deny which affect our judgment. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Dr. Ron sees Susan waiting for him and smiles. Susan hands him a basket of muffins.) Mary Alice Voiceover:To survive, we need to find that special someone who can heal us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's House] (A nurse is changing the intravenous needle on Noah's arm.) Noah:I woed so hard all my life...hard.Now it's all nothing.I got one daughter I hate and one who hates me and one dead before her time.No one left for me now.Oh, what did I do it for? (He looks at his arm and sees the nurse is done inserting the needle.) Noah:That was good.I didn't feel a thing.I have enough pain.I don't need anymore. Mary Alice Voiceover:But we can never predict who will have the cure for what ails us... Felicia:The other nurses all warned me you were difficult, Mr. Taylor Mary Alice Voiceover:....or when they'll show up. Felicia:But I think we're gonna get along,just fine. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2x13 - "There's Something About A War" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Gabrielle:If you're trying to come between me and my husband,I will take you down. Sister Mary:Bring it on. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gaberille threat the nun. Ron:You good to go. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan hit on her doctor. Danielle:So you came to ask me out,cause I'll say yes. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree's daughter let her intention being known.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:It's amazing how far we're willing to go. Bree:Andrew,give me one good reason why shouldn't call the police. Andrew:Because I'm your son. Mary Alice Voiceover:All in the name of love. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Edie is watching a war movie on TV while eating a dessert.) Mary Alice Voiceover:If there is one thing Eddie Brit understood,it was nature of war. (Karl walks in, drinking a beer, and sits down next to Edie.) Mary Alice Voiceover:After two fail marriages and countless rocky romances,. she had learned love was a battle field and the easiest way to survive the carnage was total surrender. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Edie's House] Edie:You know,I was thinking,a vacation to Rome would be so romantic. Karl:Vegas is cheaper. Edie:Oh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Edie's House] Edie:Could you put your underwear in the hamper? Karl:Can you do it?You're standing right there. (Edie throws Karl's underwear in the hamper.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Edie's House] E(die is in the living room where she's looking at a menu.) Edie:I've got a hankering for Chinese food tonight. Karl:No, I'm so over rice.Let's do pizza. (Edie throws the menu in the trash.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Edie's House] (Edie and Karl are on the couch.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But the day comes for every solider when she must take a stand... (Karl changes the channel to a game.) Edie:What do you think you're doing? Mary Alice Voiceover:... and fight. Karl:It's time for my game. Edie:I wanna watch my movie. Karl:Edie...this is important to me. Edie:Fine. I have stuff to do anyway. (Edie gets up and goes to her bedroom.) Mary Alice Voiceover:You see, when it came to men,Edie had a battle plan all her own. (Edie comes downstairs and clears her throat. Karl turns and sees Edie wearing a see-through nightie. She has silk scarves in each hand.) Edie:Ahem.You got five minutes for Edie? (Karl jumps up to follow her.) (Later, in Edie's bedroom, Karl is nearly naked, lying on the bed. His hands are tied to the bedposts.) Karl:Wow.That's some knot you tied.
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Edie:Yeah?Well, it's no fun if it's not tight.You know what would be hot?Mnh-mnh.Whipped cream. (Edie slinks out of the room.) Karl:Oh, you are so bad. Edie:Oh, you have no idea. (Edie goes downstairs. She takes the whipped cream and puts it on her dessert.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Edie Britt understood the nature of war. (Edie switches the TV back to her movie. From the bedroom, Karl yells out to her.) Karl:Edie, it's been ten minutes!Where's the damn whipped cream? Mary Alice Voiceover:She also knew that to the victor... Karl:Edie! Edie! Mary Alice Voiceover:... go the spoils. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:The guest bedroom on the second floor of the Applewhite house had the best view in all of Wisteria Lane. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:From its windows one could see from Mike Delfino's house on end of the street all the way to the old Huber place on the other.But, unfortunately,for the room's newest guest... (Matthew tapes newspapers to the window.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...the view was about to change...dramatically. (Matthew comes downstairs. Caleb is sitting at the bottom of the steps hugging a blanket and pillow. Betty enters and sees Caleb.) Betty:What on earth is he doing out? Matthew:Caleb, go up to your room.Mom and I gotta have a talk now. (Caleb goes upstairs.) Betty:His room?Have you lost your mind? Matthew:Relax, I've taped newspapers to the windows.People can't see in. Betty:Caleb,get back down here. Matthew:No, no, we had a talk.It's fine.He understands what's gonna happen if he's discovered. Betty:For five seconds he understands it,and then he forgets.You know that. Matthew:We can protect him without treating him like an animal. Betty:I am keeping him safe from the police,from the Fosters, from himself. Matthew:He is not going back downstairs! Betty:Since when do you talk to me like that? Matthew:Since I share in the risk. (The door closes.Matthew walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church] (Father Crowley is conducting services.) Father Crowley:I have a few announcements.I'd like to acknowledge Mrs. Herbert for spearheading the potluck dinner.Her hard work and tuna melt led to the best turnout in months. (Carlos sees Gabrielle is cooing at the baby in the pew in front of them.) Carlos:She's adorable,isn't she?
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Gabrielle:She's okay. Father Crowley:Next Saturday, the woman's ministry will be holding their annual bake sale from nine a.m. to... Carlos:Ours would be gorgeous. Gabrielle:Knock it off. Carlos:Knock what off? Gabrielle:Babies, babies, babies.You sound llike a broken record.I just had a miscarriage.It's gonna take some time before I'm ready to get pregnant again. Carlos:Any idea when you'll be ready?You know, ballpark? Gabrielle:Stop it. Let's just enjoy the here and now.We're together. Our marriage is back on track. Life is good. Father Crowley:Before we wrap up,we have a dear friend back from her missionary trip to tell us about her experiences... (A nun stands up from the front pew. Gabrielle stares.) Father Crowley:...Sister Mary Bernard. (Sister Mary turns around.) Gabrielle:Son of a bitch! (Everyone in the church turns to look at her. Gabrielle turns to the woman behind her and shushes her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree comes home and finds Danielle's backpack at the bottom of the stairs. Bree picks up the backpack and goes upstairs. In Danielle's room, Danielle and Matthew are partially undressed, kissing on her bed. Bree knocks on her door.) Bree: Danielle?Honey, are you in there? (Matthew and Danielle scramble around to get dressed.) Danielle:Um,I'm doing homework. Bree:Really? Because I'm holding your backpack with all your schoolbooks. Danielle:Hold on! (Danielle opens the door.) Danielle:Thanks, mom, I was just doing a little research online. Bree:Oh, while I'm here I might as well grab some of your laundry. Danielle:No, please,not right now. (Bree enters and starts picking up clothes off the floor.) Bree:Honey, stop complaining.One day you'll wish that someone were offering to do your laundry. (Bree gets the laundry basket out of the closet. She turns toward the bed and sees clothes on the floor. She goes over and starts to pick it up when Matthew's hand reaches out and grabs it.) Bree: Danielle, question?Is there a black man hiding under your bed? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty answers the knocking from the front door. Bree, Danielle, and Matthew are there.) Betty:What's going on? Bree:I just thought you should know that I came home to find your son hiding underneath my daughter's bed,and it just seems to me that... (Betty slaps Matthew's face.) Betty: (gasps)Inside.Right now.I apologize for my son's behavior.It won't happen again.I put the house up for sale,and we're moving.Now if you'll excuse me. (Betty closes the door.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette is looking over paperwork when Tom comes downstairs.) Tom:How's it going? Lynette:Oh, not good. I am trying to salvage the pitch from the Black's Frozen Yogurt campaign.You know what kills me? Tom:Yeah? Lynette:Here we are at "t" minus 9 hours and 11 minutes from the biggest pitch in our company's history,and I have nothing even vaguely presentable. Tom:I'll get the coffee. Lynette:Thank you. Tom: Do you wanna...you wanna go over it and toss some ideas around? Lynette:No, that's okay.I know you're exhausted.You should go to bed. Tom:Come on, honey, let's do this.Let's nail this sucker.What do we got? Lynette:We've got... nothing. Tom:Okay, okay."Black's Frozen Yogurt...let your taste buds come in from the cold."Okay, well,you know, whatever,I'm just knocking the rust off.I can do better now.I can do better."Black's... the Fro-Yo that makes you go whoa." Lynette: (chuckles) Come on, I'm sorry.I just really need to focus here. Tom:Okay! "Black's Frozen Yogurt...because our cows are better."Or no! Or... or "Frogurt.""Frogurt... it's fun to eat,fun to say." Lynette:That's actually good. Tom:Really? Lynette:No, the cow part...that could work.We'll... we'll make them into characters.We'll humanize them. Oh!I know! I know!Celebrity cow spokespeople! Tom:Yes, yes! That's exactly what I was thinking!You know, like, make 'em,like, into, like,famous characters,like, uh...Reverend Moo-nie.what do you...what do you think of that? (Lynette says nothing.) Tom:They can't all be gems. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House - Nighttime] (Susan and Dr. Ron are returning from a date.) Susan:Thank you.I had a fabulous time. Ron:Me, too.(sighs) Well, I guess I'd better get going. Susan:Oh, um, well, uh,Julie's staying at her father's house,and, um, I'm all alone here. Ron:Oh. Susan:Yeah.Sometimes it actually makes me a little nervous. Ron:Turn the TV on.That's what I do. Susan:Oh, that's a good idea.I forgot.I have a bottle of wine.It's already chilled right in the refrigerator,and that'll just really relax me. (chuckles) Ron:That's good. So, um...we're still good for Thursday? Susan:Uh, yeah, yeah,Thursday's great. Ron:So, um...good night. (Dr. Ron kisses Susan and turns to leave.) Susan: Do I just repulse you? Ron:No. Why?
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Susan:You know,we've been on three dates,and you just keep acting like a perfect gentleman,and, uh... (sighs)It's getting a little old. Ron:Okay, Susan, make no mistake,I am, like, inches away from ripping off all your clothes right now. Susan:A-and you're stopping yourself why? Ron:Well, I'm still your doctor,and it's not quite...ethical yet. Susan:Oh. So why are we dating? Ron:Look, it's only temporary.Once you're well,and I'm done treating you,all bets are off. Susan:Okay. Ron:Hmm. (Dr. Ron turns to leave, then turns back quickly.) Ron:Oh, what the hell. (He grabs Susan and kisses her.) Susan:Oh! Mmm.Okay, that sort of felt unethical. (They both smile and he leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sister Mary's Car - Daytime] (Carlos gets in.) Sister Mary:Thank you for meeting with me. Carlos:Sure. I'd have invited you in the house,but the place is a real pigsty. Sister Mary:Carlos, I'm a nun,not a moron.I know Gabrielle despises me. Carlos:She's just jealous of you,that's all. Sister Mary:Of me?Well, isn't that silly? Carlos: Well, she refuses to believe that I can connect with anyone on a spiritual level. Sister Mary:We do have an amazing connection.That's why I wanted to talk to you.When I saw you at church,I could tell instantly that you were unhappy. Carlos:Okay.Maybe I've been a little down lately. Sister Mary:Tell me. Carlos:It's the whole having kids thing again.Sister Mary, I just...I want them so bad. Sister Mary:But Gabrielle still refuses to give them to you? Carlos:To be fair, she did have a miscarriage recently. Sister Mary:What if she decides against kids?What if this is just a stall tactic? Carlos:Then I'm screwed.Sorry. I'm sorry. Sister Mary:Well, you're right.You're screwed.Unless... Carlos:Unless what? (Sister Mary hands Carlos a pamphlet from the glove compartment.) Carlos:"The American Catholic's Guide to Annulments."Sister mary, what exactly are you saying here? Sister Mary:I'm saying God helps those who help themselves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette is talking on her cell phone.) Lynette:Hey,I got great news!We just landed the Black's Frozen Yogurt account! Tom:Really?They loved the pitch? Lynette:The talking cows rocked their world. Tom:Hey, how did they like my president Bull Clinton idea? Lynette:Uh, well, I rewrote some of the stuff we worked on,but, you know, essentially, it's the same, and they ate it up.
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Tom:Oh, that is fantastic! Lynette:Yeah, and Ed said we can finally afford to hire another executive. Tom:Terrific!Tell me, did they like the promotional plan sponsoring the cow-tipping contest? Lynette:Uh, well,the pitch was running long,so we cut a few things. Tom:I'm just glad they loved my idea. Lynette:Well, to be fair... Tom: Did they like the Hugh Heifer and the Playcows? Lynette:They're calling me in for a meeting.I gotta go. Love you. Bye! Tom: (whispers) Yes! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Dr. Ron is pointing to an x-ray film.) Ron:So this is your spleen.Normally,it would be over here.But because of your missing ligament structure,it has wandered over there right next to your liver.Now we discussed it at the staff meeting.Everyone thinks you should have it removed immediately. Susan:Oh, well, okay.I mean,I guess... I guess you guys probably have all sorts of new, exciting techniques where you don't even cut open the body. Ron:No, not really. Susan:No?So...we're talking surgery?Yeah, well, I guess I can handle that.People get cut open every day. Ron:So, um,I'm assuming you're good with me doing the surgery, right? Susan:You? Ron:I mean, it seems natural.I know the most about your case.I promise you'll be in very good hands. Susan:Oh, uh, well, um...uh... Ron:What? Susan:The first time you'll see me naked,I'll be on an operating table. Ron:Well,I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman.My eyes will be strictly on the spleen. (A nurse enters the room.) Nurse: Doctor, Mrs. Baker's here for her follow-up. Ron:Right.And we need to schedule Susan for a splenectomy with me. Nurse:Oh, congratulations! Ron:So I will call you later? (Dr. Ron leaves the room.) Nurse:Oh, I am so happy for him.He's such a doll. Susan:I'm curious. Um...why were you so congratulatory? Nurse:Oh, the spleen surgery...it'll be his first! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Gabrielle is reading a magazine when Carlos walks in.) Carlos:Hey, honey.Can we talk about something? Gabrielle:Sure. Carlos:So I've been thinking about the whole baby thing.And how ever long it takes for you to feel ready,I am fine with. Gabrielle:Okay. Carlos:But here's the deal...I need to know that this isn't a maybe.I want a promise that we will have children. Gabrielle:I'm sorry.I can't promise that. Carlos:Why not?
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Gabrielle:Because I can't say that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and suddenly wanna do something that I swore my entire life.I would never do. "maybe" is a very big step for me. Carlos:Yeah, well, it isn't big enough for me. Gabrielle:Well, I'm sorry, but you're just gonna have to accept it.There's nothing else you can do. Carlos:That isn't necessarily true. Gabrielle:Excuse me? (Carlos tosses the annulment pamphlet to Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:You are threatening me with an annulment?That conniving little bitch put you up to this, didn't she?Didn't she? Carlos:This fight could be over right now if you'd just make me a promise. Gabrielle:The only promise I am making you is that this is so not over. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Tom is doing dishes. Lynette walks in.) Lynette:Hi! Tom:Hey. Lynette:Hi. Tom:How's the search coming for the new ad exec? Any luck? Lynette:Oh, the pickings are slim.So far none of my top choices are available.Hey, um, do you have someone from your old company that you could, you know,maybe recommend? (Parker comes downstairs, stopping near the bottom.) Parker: Daddy! Tom:Well... Parker:I can't find my toothbrush. Tom:I'll be up in a second, buddy. Lynette (to Parker):Hi. (Parker runs back upstairs.) Tom:As a matter of fact,there's this one guy who would be perfect. Lynette:Yeah? Tom:Yeah, hard-working,smart as a whip. Total package. Lynette:Really? What's his name? Tom:Tom. Lynette:Tom? Tom what? Tom:Tom Scavo. Lynette:Oh!No! No!I do not think that that is a good idea. Tom:Come on, honey,I mean, the other night doing those pitches...it just got the old juices flowing.I remembered how much I miss having a real job. Lynette:You have a real job, right here staying home with the kids. Tom:With two incomes, we could afford a top-notch nanny. Lynette:What about Penny? Tom:You're the one who fought for office dday care. Let's use it. Lynette:What about the two of us working and living together?I think that could be a recipe for disaster. Tom:Why? The last time that we worked together...we fell in love. Lynette:Oh, it's just...I'm...I'm not sure that you would find this job that satisfying. Tom:You don't think I'm good enough, do you? Lynette:I'm not saying that.
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(Parker comes back down the stairs.) Parker: Daddy,I still can't find my toothbrush! Lynette:I'll go. Tom:I got it.Come on, buddy.Let's hunt it down. Parker:So who won the fight? Tom:We weren't fighting.Mommy's just letting daddy know where he stands. Lynette:Oh, hey! Hey! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Ed and Lynette are conducting interviews.) Ed:Thanks for coming in,Mr. Gainey. We'll be in touch. Lynette:Thank you. Bye. Ed:What did you think? Lynette:Well, honestly,I wasn't blown away. Ed:I know the pickings are slim,but we can't hold out much longer.We need to hire someone this week. Lynette:I know! I know! I know.So who's up next? Ed:Tom Cavos.You ever heard of him? (Lynette sees Tom in the outer office talking to the secretary.) Lynette:Just... uh...could you excuse me for just a minute? Ed:Sure. Lynette:Tom Cavos? Tom:Yeah, it's an anagram.It's deceptively simple,don't you think? Lynette:What do you think you're doing? Tom:I'm going over your head.I mean, you might not think I'm good enough,but maybe Ed will be a little more open-minded,since, you know, he's not constantly competing with me. Lynette:You want the truth, Tom?I think you're good.You have moments of brilliance.But I also think sometimes you coast.And I think if I were your boss and had to ride your ass every day,you would come home seething with resentment.Come on! It's hard enough keeping a marriage together. Tom:If you're at all concerned about saving our marriage,you better let me take my shot. Lynette:What does that mean? Tom:It means that a little part of me has been hating you ever since you tanked my promotion at Petersen. Lynette:Tom... Tom:But I could let it all go if you'll give me this one thing. Pat:Excuse me.Ed's waiting for you guys. Lynette:Great! Great! Tom:Just let my rsum speak for itself. Lynette:Uh, just let your rsum speak for itself? Tom:Yes. Lynette: (laughs nervously) Okay! (Later, Ed, Tom, and Lynette are in Ed's office.) Ed:Oh! You worked the Poncer Cheese accounts?Those "angry mouse" spots?They were hilarious! Tom:I was on that from the beginning. Ed (high-pitched voice):"Warning, do not eat the cheese!The cheese is evil!"I love that!You've got a great rsum. Tom:Thank you. Lynette:Yeah, gosh, it is.It's quite impressive.Oh, wow,I see you worked for Bellfore and Barrasso.That's a
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great shop. Tom:Yeah, I put my time in. Lynette:Uh-huh, and when were you there?Because you forgot to list your dates of employment for that one. Tom:Um, that was a few years back. Lynette:Uh-huh. And how long did you stay? Tom:Just about five months,actually. Lynette:What, did you get recruited by another firm?Did somebody cherry-pick ya? Tom:No, I was fired. Lynette:Oh. Tom:Yeah, but honestly,I was happy to leave because they didn't get my sense of humor.I actually pitched a version of the "cheese is evil" there first. They hated it. Ed:Idiots!Well, their loss, right? Tom:Yep. Ed:And I see you won a Clio for the Thompson's Salad Dressing spot.That was very cool. Lynette:So did you do that solo? Tom:Actually, no. My wife helped me on that one.Um, she's in advertising, too.But if you were to ask her,I'm sure she'd tell you she did the whole thing all by herself. Ed:Credit hog, huh?I know the type.You know what,Tom?I like you. Lynette:Ed... Ed:And I'm not usually one for hiring in the room. Lynette:No, no, no, no,we never hire in the room. Ed:But we're in a time crunch,and we need someone now.I think you're the guy.Lynette,you got any issues? Lynette:Well...um, let me just call in a few references before we make anything official. Ed:Sure! Sure!We'll be in touch, okay?(high-pitched voice)"The cheese is evil!"Oh, god, I love that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church] (Gabrielle enters and speaks to a Priest.) Gabrielle:Oh, um, I'm looking for Father Crowley.Do you know where he is? Priest:Um, he's in the confessional. (Gabrielle enters the confessional.) Father Crowley:How long has it been since your last confession? Gabrielle:Who cares?Father, it's me. Father Crowley:Gabrielle? Gabrielle:Yeah.Look,I need you to do something for me.I need you to get rid of Sister Mary Bernard. Father Crowley:What? Why? Gabrielle:Because she's ruining my marriage. Father Crowley:Sister Mary? Gabrielle:Yes!At first it started with the love letters while he was in prison,and the next thing I know,they're spending day and night together...sneaking off to private bible study,and one-on-one spiritual consultation. Father Crowley:Gabrielle... Gabrielle:And if that wasn't enough, he is saying her name in his sleep.(imitates carlos)"Hold me, Sister Mary, hold me."(normal voice) It's disgusting.He's like a lovesick puppy. Father Crowley: (sighs) Do you have reason to believe that your husband and Sister Mary are...having sex?Speak from the heart,Gabrielle.This is just between me, you and God. Gabrielle:Yeah... yep.They're having sex.Carlos confessed everything...right before he asked for an annulment.
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(Father Crowley leaves the confessional. Gabrielle steps out, just as another priest passes her and enters the confessional Father Crowley just left. Gabrielle goes back into the confessional.) Gabrielle (bored voice):Forgive me,Father, for I have sinned. Priest:How long since your last confession? Gabrielle:Mm, not that long ago.Look, I sorta told a fib,so...how many "Hail Marys" is that gonna set me back? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Danielle is lying on her bed, crying, when Bree walks in.) Bree:Oh, honey. Danielle:Go away! Bree:Oh, honey, what happened wasn't my fault.There's no way I could've predicted how Betty would react. Danielle:Oh, please, you knew something bad would happen.You wanted all this to blow up in my face. Bree:Oh, honey,why would I want that? Danielle:Because you're jealous that my life's just getting started and yours is over. Bree: Danielle, that's ridiculous,sweetheart. Danielle: Daddy's dead.You drove your boyfriend to suicide.You're getting older by the minute,and soon you'll be so dried up and bitter that no man will ever want to touch you ever again. Bree:Danielle... Danielle:And now you're determined to ruin my life so I have to stay with you here and keep you company while you turn into an old fossil. Bree:All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Danielle:Don't just want it.Make it happen. (Bree slowly leaves, then comes back in a few seconds later.) Bree:Danielle,I don't feel much like cooking tonight.I'm thinking of ordering a pizza. Danielle:I want Canadian bacon.Please. Bree:All right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Matthew comes in, looks at Betty, and goes upstairs.) Caleb:He's mad at you 'cause you hit him. Betty:Well, I feel bad about that.But when I consider the risks he was taking... Caleb:It's a shame he can't see that girl.She's so pretty. Betty:What did you say about Danielle? Caleb:I said that she... Betty:You know I don't want you thinking about things like that. Caleb:I'm sorry.I didn't. I'm sorry. Betty:It's okay. It's okay.Go on and run up to your room.Read the comics I got you.And, Caleb?If I ever catch you looking at that Van De Kamp girl,I'll hit you twice as hard as I hit your brother,and I won't feel bad about it.Okay? Caleb:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Nighttime] (Susan and Dr. Ron are having dinner. Susan watches as Dr. Ron tries cutting the meat on his plate.) Susan:So this whole splenectomy thing...you feel good about it, huh? Ron:Yeah, yeah, I told you.It's a routine surgery.You're gonna be fine. Susan:Right, right.Actually,I sort of meant, um...do you personally feel confident?
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Ron:What do you mean? Susan:Well, you know,you're gonna be...hacking into me,and I just wanted to make sure that you feel ready. Ron:I've never taken out a spleen before.But believe me,it's no big deal.Spleen, gallbladder...it's all the same. Susan:Okay, red flag! See, I didn't go to medical school,but I'm thinking...not all the same. Ron:Susan, I know what I'm doing.You're gonna have to trust me. Susan:I would like to.But I gotta be honest...the fact that you can't even cut that steak isn't helping. Ron:That's not fair.You overcooked it,and, frankly,it's not the freshest meat. Susan:Well, neither am I.I've got 35 years on that cow. Ron:Wait, Susan, are you saying you don't want me to be your surgeon?Uh... Susan:I'm sorry.I don't mean this to sound the wrong way. I just...I would be more comfortable with an experienced surgeon. Ron:That's okay. I understand. Susan:Thank you. Ron:I should really be going. Susan:What?I didn't even serve dessert yet.You said you understood! Ron:No, I do,I do.I respect your decision to see another doctor,but you know what?You need to respect that my feelings are hurt. Susan:What? You want me to put my life on the line to service your ego? Ron:I save lives every day.I cut. I save. I cut. I save.That's what I do,and if that gives me an out-of-control ego,well, maybe I need that to cut into another human being. Susan: (engine starts)Jim... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Tom is sitting at the table, reading the paper. Lynette comes home.) Lynette:Hey. Tom:Hey.Dinner's ready. (He points to a covered dinner plate on the table.) Lynette:Oh. Tom:So did you call around?Check on my references? Lynette:I told Ed you were my husband,and he was cool with that.He really wants to hire you.So who am I to stand in the way? Tom:Really? So I got the job? Lynette:On one condition.If you take this job,you are never allowed to bring up what happened before with your promotion. Tom:That's it? Deal. Lynette:No, it's not a deal.I need a solemn vow that you will never throw that in my face ever again.Because if you do,you will unleash demons that you do not wanna meet. Tom:I get it. Lynette:And what I really need from you...is to be forgiven. Tom:Actually,I already had. (Lynette uncovers her plate and Tom pours her some wine.) Lynette:This dinner is really good. Tom:Thank you. (He leans over and kisses Lynette, who has tears in her eyes.) Tom:Thank you.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Daytime] (In the second-story bedroom, Caleb is tearing the paper off of the window. He sees Bree approaching his mother in the front yard.) Bree:Hi, Betty. Betty:Hello. Bree:I wanted to talk to you about what happened the other day with the kids. Betty:I told you,we will be moving soon.There's nothing to worry about. Bree:Well, my fear is that if we keep them apart,they'll try that much harder to be together.I mean, you know how teenagers can be,and, well, a lot can happen in a couple of weeks. Betty:I'll make a deal with you.If you control yours,I will control mine. Bree:Well, how about some old-fashioned chaperoning?That way they can, um,still see each other,and we won't have to be the villains. (Bree looks up to the second floor and sees Caleb standing in the window.) Betty:When it comes to my son's best interests,I'm not afraid of being the villain.I assumed that you would feel the same way, Bree. Bree:Now that you mention it,I guess I do.I have to go. I have some,um, muffins in the oven. (Bree hurries off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Daytime] (Bree is going through her recycling stack of old newspapers. She finds the one with Caleb's picture on the front, takes it into the house, and picks up the phone.) Danielle: Mom, what's wrong? Bree:It's the Applewhites. I don't want you to go near them. Danielle:What?! Bree:Do you remember the man they arrested...the one that broke into Gabrielle's and escaped from the mental hospital?He's there.I saw him in their window.They're hiding him. Danielle:You're kidding. Bree:No, I'm not.And I forbid you to go over there. (She speaks into the phone.) Bree: Lynette, hi, it's Bree.Uh, listen,call me when you get this message,and please come to poker tonight.I have some big news about the Applewhites. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Carlos is on the phone.) Carlos:All right, bye. Gabrielle:Who was that? Carlos:Sister Mary.They just transferred her to a parish in Fairbanks, Alaska. Gabrielle:You're kidding me. Why? Carlos:She doesn't know.The diocese wouldn't even give her a reason. Gabrielle:Ah,Vatican politics.What's wrong? (Gabrielle sees the annulment pamphlet sticking out of Carlos' bible. She pulls it out.) Carlos:I think I'm just coming down with a migraine. Gabrielle:Oh, well, maybe you should go lie down.I'm gonna be out for a while. Carlos:Mm-hmm. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Hospital] (Susan is sitting in the waiting room. Dr. Ron and another doctor are approaching. Dr. Ron sees Susan.) Ron (to the other doctor):Uh, I'll see you there. (Dr. Ron enters the waiting room.) Ron:Susan?What are you doing here? Susan:We need to talk. Ron:Okay, all right,but, look,I just got out of surgery. Susan:I've been waiting for three hours.After you stormed out the other night,I started to doubt myself.I started to think,"gee, you know, maybe I should just ignore my better instincts,and I should let Dr. Ron gut me like a fish." Ron:Susan... Susan:I mean, why not?'Cause all my life,I have jumped through hoops to keep men from leaving.But I'm not doing it anymore.So tough luck, pally.You just missed out on a good thing. (She snaps her fingers in front of his face.) Ron:Susan...you've been here for three hours? Susan:Yeah. Ron:Well, two hours ago,flowers, champagne and an apology note were delivered to your doorstep. Susan:Really? Ron: Look,I put our relationship at risk, all right?And it was stupid.I haven't felt this way about somebody in a long time.Susan,I really like you.And because of that,I...I can't be your doctor,let alone, your surgeon.I mean,there's a pretty good reason why they make those rules.Listen, I hope you forgive me, all right?Because I'll hate myself if I lose you. Susan:Wow.I wouldn't want you to hate yourself. Ron:No. Susan:And I am so sorry about that... snap thing.I was just trying to be theatrical. Ron:Yeah. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime] Matthew:I got your note.What's going on? Danielle:Are you hiding someone in your house? Matthew:What? Danielle:My mom saw someone in your second-story window.She thinks it's the guy who broke into Mrs. Solis'. Matthew:Damn it, Caleb. Danielle:Is that his name? Matthew:Has she told anybody else? Danielle:She left messages on her friends' machines.They're coming over soon to get detail. Matthew:We're gonna have to leave tonight. This is... Danielle:Why? What's going on? Matthew:I would love to tell you,believe me, I would.But I can't. Danielle:If you trust me,I could help you.My family has secrets, too. Matthew:What my brother did...it's bad. Danielle: Last year my brother did something really awful,and my parents covered it up for him.If anyone were to ever find out,Andrew and my mom could go to jail.So you don't have to worry about me judging you.Tell me your secrets.I'll understand. Matthew:Okay.But you tell me yours first.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church] (Sister Mary is scrubbing the floors on her hands and knees when Gabrielle walks in.) Sister Mary:What are you doing here? Gabrielle:I heard you were being transferred so I came to say good-bye. Sister Mary:Come to gloat is more like it. Gabrielle:No, we've had our differences,but that doesn't mean I'm happy to see you shipped off to Alaska.Brr. Sister Mary:You had something to do with this, didn't you? Gabrielle:Me? Oh, I'm just a humble sinner.You're the one with all the power around here...all the... annulment mojo. (Sister Mary stands up and removes her apron.) Sister Mary:Is that why you did it?Well, getting rid of me isn't gonna change anything.Carlos will do what he wants.The problems in your marriage aren't going away. Gabrielle:Maybe not...but you certainly are.You missed a spot. (Gabrielle begins to walk away from Sister Mary. Sister Mary throws the brush in her hand and hits Gabrielle on the back of the head.) Gabrielle:Ah! Oh.That was a mistake. (Gabrielle walks back and slaps Sister Mary's face.) Gabrielle:There.I think we're all done here. (Gabrielle starts to walk away. Sister Mary grabs her by the hair and pulls her back and starts spinning her around. Another nun and some children enter the church. Sister Mary starts to choke Gabrielle. Gabrielle reaches behind her and hits Sister Mary with her purse. The other nun runs out for help. Sister Mary and Gabrielle release each other, then charge at each other. Gabrielle pushes Sister Mary to the table with all the lit candles. Sister Mary's sleeve catches fire.Sister Mary screams.) Gabrielle:Oh, my god!Oh, my god! Hold on! (Gabrielle runs, pulls down a "Jesus Saves" banner and wraps it around Sister Mary. She pushes Sister Mary to the floor and tries to pat out the flames. The flames are out.) Gabrielle:Are you okay? (Gabrielle tries to help Sister Mary up and Sister Mary bites her on the arm. Gabrielle screams and they roll around on the floor in front of the children. A priest enters the room and begins pulling them apart.) Priest:Stop fighting!Stop fighting! No! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Gabrielle pulls in. Carlos comes outside. Gabrielle is in total disarray.) Carlos:What the hell were you thinking? Gabrielle:Uh, depends.What have you heard? Carlos:I got a call from the church.They said you attacked Sister Mary. Gabrielle:Yeah, that's about right. Carlos:What are you thinking? Gabrielle:I wasn't, but I was thinking about it on the way over here.And I realized the ass I should be kicking is yours. Carlos:Mine? Gabrielle:Yes!Sister Mary manipulated you into threatening me,but you're the idiot that fell for it. Carlos:I was not threatening you.I was asking for a promise. Gabrielle:You made me a promise, Carlos,a long time ago...till death do us part.And one day you just come home and start throwing words around like annulment.How do you think that makes me feel?
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Carlos:Okay, I'm sorry about that.I need to have a child. Gabrielle:And I need to know I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with,not just some uterus in high heels. Carlos:Gabrielle, please... Gabrielle:No, Carlos, I am sorry.I am not gonna be blackmailed into giving birth.You have to choose.And I wish you would do it so I can move on with my life. Carlos:Well, of course I choose you. Gabrielle:I think that's the right decision.You know,I made a decision, too.The answer to your question earlier is yes. Carlos:Yes... Gabrielle:I wanna have a baby.I wanna have a baby with you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree is preparing for her poker game. The doorbell rings.) Bree:Betty.What a surprise. Betty:Can I talk to you for a moment? Bree:Uh, now is actually not a good time for me. Betty:I think it is.I wanted to chat with you before you did something foolish. Bree:I don't know what you mean. Betty:The person you saw at my house today is my other son.His name is Caleb.He didn't harm Gabrielle,and he didn't hurt the man in the car trunk.That's all you need to know. Bree:He's your son? Betty:He's my dear son who happens to be slow.Sometimes he makes mistakes. Bree:But, Betty, the police are looking for him.He escaped from that facility they sent him to. Betty:He had help, trust me.I've always thought the maternal instinct is one of nature's most amazing gifts.I mean, the length that some mothers will go to to protect their children...it drives ordinary women to do extraordinary things,women like me, Bree,and like you. Bree:What are you talking about? Betty:If you breathe one word of Caleb's existence to anyone,I will tell Carlos,Gabrielle and the police that it was your son driving the car that killed Juanita Solis and that you have been covering up his crime ever since.We're going to be great friends, Bree.We have so much in common. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House - Nighttime] (Edie, Gabrielle, Susan and Lynette are approaching Bree's house.) Gabrielle:So is that all she said? Lynette:Yeah, something about the Applewhites.I'm dying of curiosity. (They ring the doorbell. Bree, inside, seems in shock after her conversation with Betty.) Betty:It's rude to keep people waiting. (Bree answers the door.) Bree:Hi. Come on in. Edie:So, spill it.What's the scoop on the Applewhites? Bree:Um, about that... um... Gabrielle:Oh, Bree,come on, dish already! Bree:Well, perhaps I got more excited than I should have,but I recently found out that Betty Applewhite is quite the poker player,and so, uh, I have invited her to join our weekly game. (Betty comes out of the kitchen holding a food platter.)
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Betty:Hello, everybody.I hope you brought your checkbooks because I am feeling lucky. (Later, the women sit around the poker table, holding their cards.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Everyone understands the nature of war. Betty:I raise. Mary Alice Voiceover:We also understand that victory dends on the cards that we have been dealt. (Susan folds, Gabrielle folds, Lynette folds, and finally Edie folds.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Some, when faced with a bloody battle,simply give in. (Betty and Bree look at each other from across the table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But for some,surrender is unacceptable. Betty:Well, Bree,what are you gonna do? Mary Alice Voiceover:Even though they know it will be a fight... Bree:I'll raise you. Mary Alice Voiceover:... to the death. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X14 - Silly People -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on desperate housewives... Ron:Your spleen has wandered close to your heart.We gotta take it out. Doctor:Get your insurance figured out by then, hmm? Mary Alice Voiceover:There was the bad news... Noah:There's a cop I want you to talk to.His name is Sullivan. Sullivan:The file on Noah's daughter. Mary Alice Voiceover:...the discomforting news... Mike:Thanks. Danielle:Are you hiding someone in your house?Tell me your secrets.I'll understand. Matthew:Okay. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and the news no one should know... Matthew:But you tell me yours first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Maxine Bennett's House - Daytime] (Maxine opens her front door, greeting several ladies.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Once a month,the crme de la crme of Fairview society would attend a semiformal luncheon at the home of Maxine Bennett. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Maxine's Dining Room] (Women sit at the formally set table and several women standing around talking.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Everyone loved these elegant get-togethers.Everyone,that is,but a certain redheaded housewife who was convinced Maxine was a liar. (Bree stares suspiciously as Maxine brings in individual plates and sets one in front of Bree.) Mary Alice Voiceover:You see,Maxine liked to brag that she did all her own cooking.and because each course was served promptly...
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(Another plate is set in front of Bree.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...presented with flair... Guest:It's delicious. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and was positively mouthwatering,Bree knew maxine had had some help. (Another beautiful plate is set in front of Bree.) Maxine: (laughing)Thank you so much. Mary Alice Voiceover:And sadly for maxine,Bree intended to prove it. Bree:Maxine, once again,this entire lunch was just out of this world. (Maxine chuckles) I just have to get the number of your caterer. Maxine:What a nice compliment.No,I'm afraid this is all my doing. Lady #1:It was a triumph,an absolute triumph. Bree:Oh, come on. do you honestly expect us to believe that you had the time to prepare a 6-course meal for 10 women?Even I couldn't make this and I have time to get ready for a party Maxine:Well, perhaps you're just not as organized as I am.If you'll excuse me. Lady #1:Bree!What's gotten into you? Bree:I have the same recipe for English plum pudding.It takes six hours to prepare.How would she have time to make all of this and everything else that we ate today?This is not the pudding of an honest woman. (There's pounding on the front door.) Man: FBI! open up! Bree:what on earth? (One of the ladies gets up and rushes to the door. Maxine comes out of the kitchen. When the front door is opened, four FBI agents enter. As Agent #1 enters the dining room, several other agents swarm into the other parts of the house.) Agent #1:We're looking for a Maxine Bennett. Maxine:I'm Maxine. Agent #1:We have a warrant to search the premises, ma'am. Maxine:A warrant?I'm in the middle of a luncheon. (One of the agents approaches a door with a lock on it.) Agent #2:Over here. (He kicks the door down. Inside is a table filled with beautifully made pastries and cakes. A young Asian girl is working diligently on the cakes.) Agent #3 (into a walkie-talkie):Found her. (The agent escorts the young Asian girl out into the dining room.) Lady:What?! Agent #1:Maxine Bennett,you're under arrest for involuntary servitude. (Bree and the lady next to her appear to be in shock.) Agent #4 (to the Asian girl):Is this the woman who locked you up? (The girl nods and begins to speak in Chinese.) Xiao mei: (speaking Chinese). Xiao mei: (shouting Chinese). (Maxine, in handcuffs, begins screaming, cursing at the young girl.) Maxine:Bitch away.Bitch away. (The agents escort them both out.) Lady #1:Bree, what's going on? Bree:Well, I'm not sure,but I think Maxine had a slave. Lady #1 (gasps):I can't believe it.I just can't believe it.
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(Bree picks up her fork and continues eating.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But Bree could.You see, for her,the proof was in the pudding. (Bree eats and smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime] (A young boy and an elderly man are playing chess.) Boy:Checkmate. Mary Alice Voiceover:The world is filled with unlikely friendships. Man: Ah. Terrific! (The elderly man musses the young boy's hair affectionately.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (The mailman is petting a dog. The dog is licking the mailman.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Odd pairings,that to the casual observer... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime] (A woman in a beautiful suit is sitting having tea next to a heavily tattooed man in his undershirt having a beer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...make absolutely no sense at all.But if we look closer... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (The street above Susan's home. Susan and Edie are walking very quickly across the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...we can see why these alliances form.After all, a shared purpose can give even mortal enemies common ground. (Susan and Edie walk very quickly to Bree who gets out of her car and begins unloading groceries.) Susan:Bree?we have a question for you. Bree:Oh! what is it? Susan:Well, we were just wondering--actually, we were curious about, um... Edie:What the hell's going on with you and Betty Applewhite? Susan:Yeah, that. Bree:Excuse me? Edie:Well, from the day that dead body showed up,nobody was yelling, "oh,the Applewhites are involved!" louder than you.And the next thing we know,you're having Betty over for Poker. what gives? Susan:She makes it sound like we're angry, and we're not angry. Edie:I'm a little angry. Bree:Can we talk about this later?I-I have ice cream in here. (Bree begins walking away.) Edie:Bree, could this flip-flop have something to do with the fact that Danielle is dating Matthew? (Bree stops and turns toward them.) Edie: (lowers voice to Susan) I knew that would get her. Bree:Who told you that? Edie:Mrs. Mcclusky. she saw them making out in the park. Susan:Edie! Edie:What?
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Susan:Can't you sugarcoat it a little? Edie:I did.(lowers voice) He had his hand down her shirt. Susan: (sighs) Bree, we know that you have a good reason for wanting Betty to hang out with us.We just... wondered if you could clue us in a little. Bree:When it comes to Betty Applewhite,I know what I'm doing,and you two are just gonna have to trust me.and if you can't do that,then perhaps I've overestimated the depth of our friendship.Now,if you'll excuse me... (Bree stomps away.) Edie:What a bitch. Susan:Edie, can you-Edie:I was sugarcoating it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Tom enters, carrying several large advertising campaign boards. He sees Lynette, walks up behind her, and kisses her neck.) Tom:gasps)Hey. Lynette(chuckles)Oh!Hey, none of that in here. Tom:Come on. maybe if we remind Ed that I'm shacking up with the senior V.P., he'll stop killing all my pitches. Lynette:You've only been here a week.Yhy don't you give yourself a break? Tom:Honey, you know the ad game.I've only got a certain amount of time to make my mark before he kicks me to the curb.Look, I'm just asking you...jump in every once in a while,throw me some rope, you know,when Ed's on the warpath. Lynette:I can't protect you.You're gonna have to find a way to click with Ed yourself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Conference Room] (Tom is presenting his campaign to the staff.) Tom:And then the pig--he rubs his stomach and he goes... (snorts)(southern accent)"Farm fresh bacon will make a piggy out of you,too." (Lynette laughs politely. Ed frowns.) Ed:So...the pig actually eats the bacon? Tom:Uh-huh, yeah. Ed:I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme. Lynette:Well,Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night?You know, the one where people love bacon so much they wanna keep it a secret? Ed:What, like a secret underground society of bacon eaters? Tom:More like my college fraternity,where, you know,everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys. Ed:Wait, you were greek? Tom:Yeah, Alpha Tai Omega. Ed:I was Phi Kappa. Tom: (laughs) You? Ed:And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge a.JTL. Tom: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied naked to a freeway sign... Ed:Scavo, if you were my pledge,I'd have made you my bitch. Tom:Oh, you think so? Ed:You know what?I'm liking this whole fraternity angle.Yeah. Let's talk about it over lunch.You're buying.
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(Ed gets up and leaves the room. Tom looks at Lynette, who smiles at him.) Lynette:Go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Front Yard - Daytime] (Carlos and Father Crowley are standing on the lawn talking as Gabrielle drives into her driveway.) Father Crowley:Thanks for your help. Carlos: Ah, anytime. (Gabrielle walks up to them.) Gabrielle:Hello. what's going on? Father Crowley:Gabrielle,I want you to meet someone.this is Xiao-mei. Carlos:She's the young lady who was forced to work for Maxine Bennett. Gabrielle:Oh, the slave.Wow. Looks well-fed. Father Crowley:The church is making arrangements for her to return to China.But until then,she needs a place to stay. Carlos:So I offered up our guest room. Gabrielle:Really?(chuckles) Baby, can I talk to you for a second? Carlos:Ahem. (Gabrielle pulls Carlos away from them.) Gabrielle:Are you nuts?! Carlos:It's only for a couple of days. Gabrielle:Oh, this time.You are quickly becoming Father Crowley's go-to guy for charity cases. Carlos:And that's a bad thing? Gabrielle:When he turns our house into a catholic underground railroad, yes! Carlos:You know who you are, Gaby?You're the kind of person who would've turned away Mary and Joseph from the inn. Gabrielle:Well, they should've called ahead. (Gabrielle gets back into her car and drives away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Dining Room] (Danielle is sitting at the table, combing her hair. Bree walks in with plates of food.) Bree: Don't brush your hair at the table. Danielle:Oh, you're talking to me?Does this mean you've finally forgiven me? Bree:Why should I?You betrayed this family,and you're not even sorry. Danielle: Don't be such a drama queen. (Bree grabs the brush from Danielle.) Bree:If the Applewhites go to the police and tell them that your brother ran over Mrs. Solis,he could go to prison.How can you not understand that? Danielle:They won't talk about Andrew as long as you don't go to the police about Caleb. Bree:What did this caleb do,exactly?And why on earth are they hiding him? Danielle:Why don't you go to Mrs. Applewhite and tell her you really need to know what's going on?I bet if you were really nice,she'd tell you the truth. Bree:Is that what you really think, Danielle?I should go to Mrs. Applewhite, be nice,and then she'll hand over all her secrets? Danielle:Yeah. Bree:When I was young, my stepmother told me that I was very lucky.I possessed beauty,wit, cunning and insight.These were weapons all women needed to survive in the world.
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Danielle:So? Bree:So take good care of your looks, Danielle.you don't have any other weapons at your disposal. (Bree hands the brush back to Danielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Susan is knocking at the front door. Karl answers.) Susan:Hi. I need an operation on my spleen,and I just found out I don't have medical insurance.Is there anyone I can sue? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Living Room] Susan:After the embezzlement,Lonny let the policy lapse.And now he's in jail,and I'm gonna die. Karl:Susie,you're not gonna die.I'll get into it with the insurance company. Susan:No, there isn't time for you to deal with the red tape.My spleen is going careening into my heart.I need that operation now. (Edie enters the room.) Karl:Yeah,I'd loan you the money myself,but Edie and I just plopped down our savings in a ski condo and... Susan:I don't need a loan.I need coverage.I mean, what if there are complications?I don't have a safety net.Oh, my god, please! Edie:What in the hell are you doing? Susan:I'm saying a little prayer. Edie:Oh, for puke's sake... Susan:Well, what? I'm desperate here.Do you have any other ideas? Edie:As a matter of fact,I do.What you need is a husband. Susan: (scoffs) What? Edie:The only way to get a good health plan is to marry into one. Karl:Edie, come on. Susan:No, no,I think she's onto something. Edie:Yeah. if we find a guy with the right plan,you could have a sham wedding on a Monday night and be fully covered Tuesday morning. Karl:I can't believe you're actually considering this. Susan:The surgeon is slicing me open a week from tomorrow.What other choice do I have? Edie:All we have to do is find a guy who's willing to marry you.You know,come to think of it,a little prayer might not be such a bad idea after all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (The staff is sitting around the conference table. Lynette speaks into the intercom.) Lynette: Pat, we're all here, send the call in as soon as you get it. (Tom is tossing M&Ms into the air and catching them in his mouth.) Ed:200 bucks says you can't do that 3 times in a row.Huh?You catch three of those...200 bucks.What do you say there,Scavo? Tom:You're on. (Tom grabs three M&Ms and gets ready to toss them.) (Ed chuckles) Tom:Here we go. Ed:Ah-ah-ah-ah!Thrown by me. Lynette:I'm sorry,I thought we were here to talk about the farm fresh rollout?
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Tom: (to Ed)They gotta be catchable,big guy. Ed:You just let me worry about the shooting. (Tom and Ed stand at either end of the table.) Tom:Come on. (Ed tosses one and Tom catches it in his mouth.) Tom:That's one. Lynette:Guys... (Ed tosses to the side, Tom moves over, and catches it.) Ed:Oh!Nice moves. Tom:One more, big guy. Lynette:Guys, please...that's--all right. (Ed throws the last candy hard and hits Tom in the face.) Tom:Ow! Co-worker:Oh! (Everyone but Lynette laughs. ) Tom:Ow. (Ed laughing) Tom:That wasn't even catchable! Ed:Yeah, well, maybe not.But it's totally worth the 200 bucks. (Ed hands Tom the money and rubs the top of his head.) Ed:Ahh!Whoo! Tom:Well, you got me. Ed:You're a regular little monkey man!Oh, I love this guy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle enters. Xiao mei is sitting at the table, sewing.) Gabrielle:Oh,hi.Do you have to sit around all day?I mean,shouldn't you be out experiencing western civilization while you have the chance?(sighs)What are you doing? Xiao mei:I fix. Gabrielle:No, this is couture!This rip has to be fixed by an experienced tailor.You can't just...holy crap!This stitching is perfect! Xiao mei:Hungry? (Xiao mei pulls Gabrielle into the kitchen. The counter is full of food.) Gabrielle: Did you make all of this?Oh!For me? Okay. (She takes a puff off of the plate that Xiao mei is holding in front of her.) Gabrielle:Oh, my god! Xiao mei:You like? Gabrielle:I like a lot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Bedroom] (Gabrielle is eating off a plate when Carlos climbs on the bed behind her and kisses her.) Carlos:You like that? Gabrielle:(bored voice)Yeah, that's nice.Do you know what they do to people in China who speak out against the government? (Carlos contiunes kissing Gabrielle.) Carlos:Hmm?
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Gabrielle:They put them in forced labor camps.isn't that awful? (Carlos takes the plate from Gabrielle and puts it aside.) Carlos:Mm-hmm. Gabrielle:You know what I mean?It's such a repressive regime.We forget how good we have it. (Carlos kisses Gabrielle and begins undressing her.) Carlos:Yes, we do. Gabrielle: Don't you think Xiao-mei would like it better here in America?I mean,where she could learn about freedom and democracy and stuff? Carlos: Does this have anything to do with you making Xiao-mei do housework? Gabrielle:What? Carlos:I came downstairs this morning and found her waxing the floor.She told me you asked her to put on two coats. Gabrielle:Well, first of all,that was her idea.Second of all,I can't have this conversation until you've tasted her crab puffs. Carlos:Oh...hmm. (Gabrielle begins kissing and undressing Carlos.) Carlos:Mmm.She just got done being a slave.I mean, she wants to go back to China...and we can't force her to stay here and be our maid. Gabrielle:Well, who's forcing her?We'll pay her whatever she wants.And the best part is,with her resum,any wage will look good. Carlos:No way, baby. Gabrielle:Mnh-mnh.Hmm. Carlos:What? (Carlos reaches for Gabrielle and she slaps his hand and walks away from him.) Carlos:What, so you don't get what you want,you just walk off and pout? Gabrielle:Oh, this isn't about me.This is about our great nation.And I have no intention of sexually satisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideals and values of the United States of America. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Diner] (Edie is sitting with a nice looking man.) Edie:And sometimes she is a little hard to stomach,but she means well. Gary:Well, that's,that's... Susan:Hi! Edie:Oh, here she is. Susan:I came as soon as I got your message. Is this...? Edie:This is Gary Grantham,your future ex-husband. Susan:Wow, nice to meet you. Gary:Hi. Edie:Okay, listen, um,I've got to meet a client.I've got to go,so just talk amongst yourselves,and you two make a very handsome couple. Susan:Oh. (laughing) Gary:Yeah.Uh, hi. Susan:(chuckles)Hi. Gary:So do you wanna get married on Wednesday?'cause Thursday and Friday I'm out of town. Susan:Oh! oh, ah. sure, that's--Wednesday's great.I'm--I'm just curious...how did Edie convince you to do this so quickly?
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Gary:Well, she explained your situation to me.I'm sort of in need of a fake bride myself,so I figured,what the heck? Susan:Why would you need a fake bride? Gary:Uh,I'm gay, and I've never come out to my mother. Susan:Really? Gary:Yeah. at first, I just didn't want to upset her.Then she got older, she got emphysema and diverticulitis,and I started thinking,if I just kept my mouth shut,then one day nature would take its course and we could avoid what is sure to be a very ugly scene. Susan:So what changed? Gary:She told me at her 81st birthday party last month,the only reason she's hanging on is to see me get married. Susan:Oh. oh,so by marrying me... Gary:Yeah, I'd get my inheritance that much sooner.No, but mostly,I wanna make sure she's happy.Mm-hmm. (chuckles)Well, you seem very nice, Susan.Uh, it will be a pleasure being married to you. Susan:Uh, likewise.(chuckles) Gary:Here, you can finish the rest of the fries. (He gets up and leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's House] (Noah is sitting in a wheelchair reading. Nurse Felicia Tilman enters.) Felicia:Here's your mail and your pills. Noah:Ugh. More pills? (Noah opens a card.) Noah:Miss Tillman? Felicia:Hmm? Noah:Where did this come from? Felicia:I don't know.It was in with your other mail. (He looks at the card again. It reads "You have a grandchild.") Noah:Get me the phone.(into the phone) Sullivan, it's me.I just got some news,and I need to get you involved.Looks like Delfino's been holding out on me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:The next morning,Bree came up with a plan to get to the truth she so desperately needed. (Bree, looking out her window, watches as Betty and Matthew drive away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:As she watched the Applewhites leave their house,she thought of how much she had trusted the previous owners. (Bree opens her closet. Many keys, neatly labeled, hang on the inside of the door. She takes the key marked "Mullins.") Mary Alice Voiceover:And how much they...had trusted her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Bree enters the house using the key. She is carrying a few food dishes. She hears a noise on the stairs.) Bree:Caleb? Is that you? (Caleb peeks down the stairs.)
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Bree:(exhales) Hi.I'm Bree.I live down the street.I'm a friend of your mother's. Caleb:She's not home. Bree:I know. Um...I came to see you. Caleb:Me? Bree:Yes.Your mother told me all about you and I thought it it might be nice if, um,we had a little visit.I brought you some homemade cobbler. (Caleb smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (cheering and clapping) (Lynette, at her desk, hears cheering and clapping. She gets up to see what is going on.) Tom:Oh, la, la, la, la, la.Right here.Follow the doughnut, people. (Tom is holding a doughnut with a crowd of people following him.) Tom:Here we go. We got some people.Come on, come on.Hey, hey... Lynette (to Pat):Huh?What's going on? Pat:Well, um, Ed bet Tom that he wouldn't eat doughnut out of the toilet.Isn't it disgusting? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bathroom Stall] (Tom is standing over the toilet with the crowd and Ed watching.) Ed:(giggles) Huh?It's gotta be fully dunked.Now, I don't want the glaze to repel the water. Tom:Whoa, slight delay, people.I'm requesting a scrub down.Does anybody know where they keep the toilet brush? (Lynette grabs Tom and pulls him out.) Lynette:Just for one second, okay?Just for one second.Hey,I never thought I'd have to ask you this,but are you about to eat a doughnut out of the toilet? Tom:Yeah!For the galveston jewelers account. Lynette:I don't care!You're not gonna do this! Tom: Look, Lynette,you're the one who told me to find a way to click with Ed.Well, now we've got our thing,and it's paying off for me! Lynette:That's because Ed gets off on humiliating you.Please, don't do this! (Ed sticks his head out of the bathroom.) Ed:We're waiting,Scavo! Crowd:Tom, Tom,Tom! Ed:Okay, okay, what now? Tom:This is my moment. (Tom goes back into the bathroom to cheering and clapping.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's Kitchen] (Bree is looking at an old photo album as Caleb eats the cobbler.) Bree:So, Caleb,besides your mother and brother,does anybody else know that you're here? Caleb:No.You're pretty. Bree:Thank you.That's very sweet.So where have you been living this whole time? Upstairs? Caleb:No.I just moved upstairs.My room's downstairs. Bree: Downstairs? Caleb:In the basement.You wanna see it? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Betty's Basement] (Caleb opens the door to what used to be his room. Bree goes inside.) Bree:Caleb, have you been down here all these months? Caleb:Yeah. Bree: Did your mother make you wear those? Caleb:Most of the time. Bree:Oh, my god!Sweetheart,I don't understand.Why in the world would your mother treat you that way? Caleb:I hurt a girl. Bree:A girl? Caleb:Yeah.And then she died. Bree:Oh. Caleb:Her name was Melanie.She was pretty.Just like you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's Driveway - Daytime] (Susan walks up as Mike is working on his truck.) Susan:Hi.I thought you should know,I'm getting married. Mike:To the doctor? Susan:No! No. Ha!No, to... to a gay guy.How did you know about the doctor? Mike: People talk. So you...you're marrying a gay guy? Susan:I need health insurance,um, 'cause I've got this wandering spleen and...(chuckles)That sounds funny,"spleen wandering," but...actually, it's not funny 'cause it can bang into things...so I need health insurance,so I'm getting married tomorrow.And you probably think I'm crazy, right? Mike:Well... can it wait?Um, the surgery? Susan:No. It can't wait. Mike:I guess it's really not that crazy. (A car door slams. Mike turns and see Detective Sullivan approaching.) Sullivan:How you doin', ma'am? Mike:Susan, can you just give me a minute? Susan:Oh, yeah.No, I'm sorry.L... that was really... it. (Susan walks away.) Mike:What do you want? Sullivan:It's not what I want,Delfino.It's what Noah Taylor wants.Where's his grandkid?You know,let's skip the part where you don't know anything about anything.Mr. Taylor wants to chat. Mike:What if I say no? Sullivan:Then I've gotta find the kid myself,and my guess is, he or she is somewhere around here close.Your old girlfriend...she's got a daughter,right?Maybe I should start by paying her a visit... Mike:Her daughter's not the one. Sullivan:Yeah, well,given your track record,I might wanna check that out for myself. Mike:Tell him I'll be there in the morning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Bedroom] (Xiao mei is combing Gabrielle's hair. She sees Gabrielle's open jewelry case.) Xiao mei:Oh!So pretty. Gabrielle:You like nice things?(chuckles) That's why I think you're stupid,for not wanting to stay here.You could be around my nice things all the time,taking care of them...how fun would that be?Well,I'm sure it's a lot more fun than you'd have in that tiny,godforsaken village of yours.You know,we're probably more alike than
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people would guess.I'm from a small town, too.My folks had nothing.That's why I love America.Anything is possible. (Xiao mei looks at a bracelet.) Xiao mei:Oh... Gabrielle:Hmm, you like that?No.An old, fat stockbroker gave this to me.It's not worth anything.You can have it. (Gabrielle puts it on Xiao mei's wrist.) Xiao mei:Oh... (chuckles)Oh! (gasps) (She begins speaking Chinese and hugs Gabrielle.) Xiao mei:,.Oh! (chuckles) Gabrielle:It's okay.Glad you like it.You can brush my hair. Xiao mei:Oh! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside The Wedding Chapel - Daytime] (Gary is standing, waiting. A couple come out the door.) Woman:I loved it! Man:It was nice. (Susan pulls up.) Susan:Hi. Gary:Hi. Hi.Uh, this is the bestI could do on such short notice. Susan:Okay. Gary:Okay. (They enter. A man is standing inside, holding a wedding cake.) Gary:Oh, uh, susan, this is, uh,my best man, Steven.He's also my life partner. Susan:Oh, hi.It's nice to meet you. (Steven stares at Susan.) Gary:Baby, be... be nice.Come on. Steven:I'm sorry you have cancer. Susan:Cancer? Steven:Isn't that the point of this whole charade?Gary said you needed insurance. Susan:Oh, yes. No, no,I do need insurance.I just don't have cancer.I have a... wandering spleen. Gary:I said it was like cancer. Susan:Is there a problem? Gary:No.No, everything's fine.Uh, let's just go to the chapel.Shall we? Steven:I made a wedding cake.I hope you enjoy it. (He shoves it into Susan's hands.) Susan:Oh! Uh... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding Chapel] (Susan and Gary are standing at the altar. Steven is sitting on the bench behind them.) Minister:So... are we ready to get started? Gary:Oh, do you have a thing to play music?I had Steven burn a little wedding mix for us,for ambience. Minister:Sure, just, um, give me a sec. Gary:(chuckles nervously)(to Steven)Do you have a problem? Steven:You said she was sick. Gary:She is.She has a wandering spleen.
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Steven:It sounds nothing like cancer.It doesn't even sound real. Susan:Well, it is.L-I could die. Steven:You look fine to me, honey. Gary: Don't do this. Steven:I have asked you six times to fly with me to Holland to get married,and you always have some lame excuse.But the second some chick with a silly disease comes along,well, you drop everything and head for a chapel. Susan:Oh, no,it's a serious illness.See, it just sounds silly 'cause of the word "spleen." Gary:What do you want from me? Steven:I want you to worry about my feelings half as much as you worry about your mother's! Gary:What is it gonna take to make you happy?Not go through with the wedding?Is that what you're asking? Susan:Oh, oh! No, no,stop right there.Okay, I would love to see you two crazy kids get hitched in Holland more than anyone,with the tulips and the clogs,in front of a windmill,the whole shebang.But unless I get this surgery,my spleen is going to slam straight into my heart and explode.So, you know, seeing as I am just a nice person and I always support gay rights,let's just do this.And then I'll have a husband and insurance.Nobody gets hurt. (Steven turns and walks out of the chapel.) Gary:Steven, why...Steven!(sighs) It's just... Susan:Yeah. Gary:I'm so sorry.My hands are tied.I'm really sorry. (Gary chases after Steven.) Gary:Steven, wait. Steven...where are you going? Minister:Ah, finally got the sound system working.Where's the groom? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (Susan is sitting on the porch, eating the wedding cake that Steven made. Karl approaches.) Karl:Hey, Susie Q.What's wrong?For a newlywed, you don't have much spring in your step. Susan:I didn't get married. Karl:Really? Susan:We got to the altar,but the whole fake wedding thing sort of imploded. Karl:Wow. I'm sorry. Susan:I still don't have insurance.I need to get that operation.I'm...I'm really screwed.(exhales) Karl:Well...why don't I just marry you? Susan:What? Karl:I've got a fantastic health plan.You'd be covered instantly. Susan:But... we were actually married. Karl: Look, Susie,I've always felt awful about walking out on you the way I did.And I figure,if we do this,I'd basically be saving your life.I figure I owe you one. Susan:Karl... (He gets on one knee.) Karl:So what do you say?Will you marry me,Susan Mayer? (laughs)Again? Susan:What the hell?(laughs) Karl:Cool! Susan:What are we gonna do about Edie? Karl:We can't tell her. Susan:She'd kill us both.
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Karl:Yeah, it'll be our little secret. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Xiao mei is packed and ready to leave. Father Crowley and the translator are waiting at the door for her.) Carlos:We've really enjoyed having you as a guest.Right, Gaby? Gabrielle:Absolutely.Xiao-mei,you are a very special girl,so...so you take care, okay? (Xiao mei hugs Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:Oh! (Xiao mei touches the bracelet Gabrielle gave her and looks at her affectionately.) Father Crowley:Thanks for all your help, Carlos. Carlos:My pleasure,Father.Bye-bye. Father Crowley: Ladies? (They leave and Carlos closes the door.) Carlos: Please don't tell me you're crying just because you can't have the maid you want. Gabrielle:Carlos, she wouldn't have been just a maid.She would have been the best damn maid ever. Carlos:God, you're pathetic. Gabrielle:Shut up. (Carlos looks outside.) Carlos:Hey, something's going on. (Xiao mei and the translator are arguing. Xiao Mei is tugging her suitcase away from the translator.) Translator:Father crowley...Xiao-mei, Xiao-mei...(speaking Chinese)... (Carlos and Gabrielle go outside.) Carlos:Is there a problem? Father Crowley:Well, Xiao-mel doesn't want to go back to China.She wants to stay here and work for you. Carlos:What? Why? Xiao mei:(speaking Chinese),. Translator:She says Mrs. Solis treated her with more kindness than she's ever known.She now thinks of you two as family. Gabrielle:Oh, really?Oh, of course you can stay!Oh! (chuckles) Carlos:Gaby... Gabrielle:Carlos,she thinks of us as family. (Gabrielle leads Xiao mei back into the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Tom and Lynette are working on campaigns. Ed sticks his head in.) Ed:I'm ready to hear those farm fresh concepts.Conference room in five...toilet boy! (laughing) Lynette:You are so not allowed to complain to me. Tom:I know. You were right, okay?So now I'm known throughout the advertising world as "Toilet Boy." Lynette:Tell him you're done with the games.You don't wanna play anymore. Tom:No, no, no, I can't.I can't. If I back down now,he'll see it as a sign of weakness.Look, this is the way that guys do business. Lynette:But... Tom:So you called it. He made me his bitch. Come on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ed's Office] (Lynette walks in.)
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Lynette:Here you go. Ed:Oh. Lynette:You know, Ed,I've been thinking.We've had a lot of fun and games around here lately,but maybe it's time to set a slightly more profession tone in the office. Ed:Oh,I get it.Somebody went running to mommy, didn't he,huh? Lynette:What? Ed:Tom loses a few bets,so he tries to get his wife to make me back off?Oh, this is so Alpha Tai.I am gonna make him pay. Lynette:No. No, you're not gonna make him pay.You are gonna stop this now. Ed:This is my company.If people wanna work here,they play by my rules. Lynette:Ed! Ed:What? Lynette:I'm calling you out. Ed:Huh? Lynette:Yes, you're right.This is your company,so I'll play by your rules.What do I have to do to get you to stop this frat boy crap?Shave my eyebrows?Come to work naked?Name your stakes. Ed:(scoffs)I don't have time for this. Lynette:Aw, what's wrong, Ed?You afraid a Phi Kap's gonna get beaten by a girl?Come on, big man...it's just a little bet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Everyone is gathered around. Ed sets up a small table in the center of the room.) Ed:As you know, I think that making the workplace fun is good for morale.But Lynette here thinks that our shenanigans have gotten a little out of hand. Crowd:(booing)Oh. Boo. Ed:Oh, hold on.Hold on. I respect Lynette's work ethic.So we've decided to settle the matter with a little test of intestinal fortitude.If she can eat 1 pound of our client's fine,farm-fresh pork product, raw...There'll be a moratorium on wagering in the office. (Ed places a plate of raw bacon on the table in front of Lynette.) Co-worker:Oh, oh! Tom:I know you are doing this for me.You don't need to do this.I don't need you fighting my fights. Lynette:I am not fighting your fights.This is my fight.(clears throat)This is how guys do business, right? Worker #1:I gotta see this. (Lynette rolls up one piece of raw bacon and lifts it toward her mouth.) Worker #2:This is so disgusting. Worker #3:We're counting on you. Ed:While we're young. (Lynette puts the raw bacon into her mouth and chews. The crowd winces.) Ed:No shame in defeat,Lynette.No shame at all. (Lynette swallows and the crowd applauds. She rolls up her second piece and raises it to her mouth.) Worker #3:Oh, she's gonna do it.Ohh!Oh, yes!Oh! (Piece after piece goes into Lynette's mouth. As she continues, Lynette almost gags as she forces the meat into her mouth.) Co-worker:Oh, this is too much. Ed:What? She took the bet.What? This is fun,people. Worker #3:She's got one more.
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(Lynette rolls up the last piece of bacon. She looks ready to vomit. She puts it into the mouth and chews and swallows. She opens her mouth and Ed looks inside for traces of any meat.) Lynette:So... can this be a place of business again,Ed?No more games? Ed:Sure.You sucked all the fun out of it anyway. Worker #1: Lynette... Worker #3:I gotta go back to work. Tom:(sighs)That was really something. Lynette:Thanks.Could you scrounge me up a bucket? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Betty knocks at the door.) Betty:Caleb said a nice, red-haired lady came to visit him. Bree:Come on in, Betty.Get you a drink? Betty:This is not a social call, Bree!Did you or did you not break into my home and talk to my son? Bree:Caleb and I had, uh,a very lovely chat. Yes. Betty:(lowers voice)If you ever come near him again,there will be hell to pay.Do you understand? Bree:Aren't you gonna ask me what we talked about?The name, um...Melanie Foster came up.I'm gonna pour you a drink now, Betty,because we're about to have a very honest discussion,and I think you're gonna need a little help getting through it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's House] (Noah lies in bed. Mike stands at the foot of the bed.) Mike:His name's zach young.He lives with his father.Mother committed suicide about a year ago. Noah:How did he end up with these people? Mike:How do you think?Dierdre was strung out,Noah.She gave him up. Noah:I wanna see this boy. Mike:Well, he's got a new family now.I can't just snap my fingers and get him in here. Noah:Maybe not,but I can snap my fingers,and Detective Sullivan can make it happen. Mike:You don't wanna do that. Noah:No? Mike:Is that really the way you wanna meet him...have that thug drag him in here so grandpa can give him a hug? Noah:Fine. You bring him.I'll give you two days.As you know, I'm on a bit of a clock here. (Mrs. Tilman sits in another room, listening to the conversation on an intercom.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Dining Room] Betty:When Caleb was born,and the doctors discovered that he was different,I didn't even cry.It was the most painful moment of my life.I didn't shed a single tear.I just thought to myself,what's the point?He is my son, and I have to raise him as best I can.Now that's my job.In a lot of ways,I feel so blessed.Caleb is challenged,but he has such a sweet nature.I'm sure you noticed that when you came to visit. Bree:Yes, I did.I also noticed that you had him chained in the basement. Betty:That's because of Melanie Foster.Melanie was a girl that Matthew dated.She was a debutante.And like typical teenagers,their relationship was full of drama.They were always breaking up and getting back together and breaking up.One night, after one of their big blow-ups,Caleb somehow convinced Melanie to meet him down at our local lumberyard.I can only imagine that she thought he was bringing some kind of apology from Matthew, but he wasn't.Caleb told Melanie he was in love with her,and that if he was her boyfriend,he would
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never break up with her...and she laughed in his face.He tried to show her he was serious by kissing her...and she hit him.He doesn't remember a lot of what happened after that,but he...he does know that he got very, very angry, and...and that there was an ax lying on the ground nearby him.Yes,my Caleb killed Melanie,but I couldn't let him go to jail...or worse, be put down,for what was really my crime. Bree:Your crime? Betty:It was my responsibility.I was supposed to protect him from himself.I am his mother.That was my job. (Bree reaches over and holds Betty's hand.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The world is filled with unlikely friendships. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Xiao Mei is hemming a dress Gabrielle is trying on. Gabrielle smiles down on her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:How do they begin?With one person desperately in need,and another willing to lend a helping hand. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (Susan is getting her mail. She sees Karl and Edie on a bike together.) Mary Alice Voiceover:When such kindness is offered... (Edie)Whoo! Mary Alice Voiceover:...we're finally able to see the worth of those we had previously written off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Ed and Tom are in his office. They high-five each other as Lynette looks on, smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And before we know it...a bond has formed,regardless of whether others can understand it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House - Daytime] (Matthew and Danielle are kissing behind a tree.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, unlikely friendships start up every day.No one understands this more than the lonely. (Caleb is looking out his window watching them.) Mary Alice Voiceover:In fact,it's what they count on. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X15 - "Thank You So Much" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Karl:Why don't I just marry you?I've got a fantastic health plan.You'd be covered instantly. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan got an offer she couldn't afford to refuse. Detective Barton:You've had too much to drink.Give me your keys. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree rejected a helping hand. Gabrielle:I want to have a babywith you. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gaby gave Carlos the answer he'd been waiting for.
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Nurse:You're my second a-b negative today. Zach:Oh,who is it? Nurse:That guy. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Zach began to put "a" and "b" together. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Dining Room] (Susan is sitting at the table smiling and doodling a picture of a stickman hanging in a noose.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan Mayer had always believed the punishment should fit the crime. [Flashback - Susan's Laundry Room] Mary Alice Voiceover:She first came to this conclusion when she discovered her husband Karl had been unfaithful. (Susan takes Karl's shirt out of the dryer and finds lipstick on the collar.) [Flashback - Susan's Garage] Mary Alice Voiceover:Since Karl had destroyed the love she had given him... (Susan puts Karl's trophy in a vise and starts pounding it with a hammer.) [Flashback - Susan's Backyard] (A pair of men's dress shoes are on a barbeque. Susan sprays lighter fluid onto the shoes. They burst into flames and Susan smiles.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan felt it was appropriate she destroy the things he loved in return... [Flashback - Susan's Car] (Susan runs over Karl's golf clubs carefully placed on the curb so each is bent in half.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...one by one. (Susan smiles as she crushes them.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Susan's Dining Room] Mary Alice Voiceover:But now,three years after their divorce,Susan was reunited with Karl once again... (Susan is still sitting at the table, doodling and smiling.) Karl:Susan,are you listening to me? Mary Alice Voiceover:As partners in a crime of their own. Karl:This is insurance fraud.We could both go to jail.Now we can't tell anyone we're getting married. Susan:I know.I was listening to you. (Julie is sitting at the table with Susan and Karl.) Karl:Now the prenup's all set.You can sign it at the courthouse. Susan:11:30,Wednesday morning.Right? Karl:Right. And your surgery's still on for Thursday? Susan:Yep. Karl:Good.The insurance kicks in the minute we say "I do."You're set to go. Julie:I know no one's asking me,but I think this whole thing is a tragic mistake,and I just don't have it in me to survive another ugly divorce. Susan: Don't worry,honey.This time,it is strictly a business arrangement. Julie:It better be,'cause if I see so much as one lingering gaze between the two of you,I swear I'll go to the insurance company and turn you in. (Julie walks upstairs.) Susan:So we shouldn't expect a wedding gift,huh? Karl:Oh,can you grab me your wedding ring?I wanna get it cleaned before the ceremony. Susan:Uh,is that really necessary?I mean,do we have to do the whole ring thing?
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Karl:Of course we do.It's gotta look believable. Susan:Yeah,okay.Well,I'll just grab something out of my jewelry box. Karl:Susan,that ring was my grandmother's.One day it's gonna be Julie's.Where is it? Susan:I don't know...exactly. Karl:That was a family heirloom.I trusted you with it. Susan:Well,I trusted you not to cheat on me and break my heart. Karl:Oh,my god. Oh,my god.What--what did you do with it? Susan:I threw it out my car window somewhere on route 7. Karl:What?! When? Susan:The night you abandoned me. Karl:Suz-Susan:Karl,you are so not allowed to get angry.I mean,I might've been the one to throw away the wedding ring,but you threw away the whole marriage.There was plenty of bad behavior that went on back then,so just get off your high horse.We're on the same page now,so we should just focus on that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Highway] (Susan is running a metal detector over the brush on the side of the road as Karl stands by his car watching her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes,Susan Mayer believed the punishment should fit the crime. Susan:Karl,I think there might be snakes in here. Karl:We're not leaving here until you find that ring. Mary Alice Voiceover:But for that matter,so did Karl. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Leonardo's Bar and Grille] (A waiter is singing opera.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was a tradition at Leonardo's Bar and Grill,an hour before closing time,a waiter would sing a selection of ridiculously depressing Italian arias. (Bree, all dressed up, sits at a table listening, in tears.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was also a tradition that the only customers who would actually listen were the ones already depressed to begin with. (A waiter hands Bree a napkins for her tears.) Bree:Tony?Do you have to rush off?I thought maybe we could just chat for a minute. Tony:So I haven't seen you in a while. Bree:Well,I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband.You know,this was our place.Rex passed away recently.He was,um,murdered by our pharmacist. Tony:I hope you changed pharmacists. Bree:I didn't have to.He committed suicide. Tony: Look,you've had a little too much wine tonight.How about I call you a cab? Bree:Oh,no,no,no,no.I'm okay. Tony:Your car would be safe in our lot,and you can pick it up tomorrow.Please. Bree:Well,okay.Tony?How many more arias is he gonna sing? Tony:Five. Bree:Oh. In that case,why don't you bring me another bottle of the Pinot Grigio?And please hurry. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (A cab pulls up in front of Bree's house. Bree gets out. She can barely walk straight. She drops her keys in the grass. She kneels down to pick them up.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Mrs. McCluskey is out for a morning walk and sees Bree lying face-down on the grass. She kneels next to her and tries to wake her.) Mrs. McCluskey:Bree?Bree.You okay? (Mrs. McCluskey gets a sniff of Bree's breath. She gets up and rings Bree's doorbell.) Andrew:Yes? Mrs. McCluskey:Hi. Uh,did you know your mother is asleep on the lawn? Andrew:Oh, wow. Mrs. McCluskey:Yeah,well,you don't seem terribly shocked. Andrew:Oh,it's,um...it's just,mom drinks,and sometimes she sleeps it off in the weirdest places. Mrs. McCluskey:Can I help you with her? Andrew:No. No,it's okay.I,uh,I know how to take care of her. Mrs. McCluskey:Well,good luck to you then. (Mrs. McCluskey walks away. Andrew turns on the sprinklers. Bree jumps up, shrieking.) (Andrew smiles and walks back into the house. Bree grabs her wrap and runs inside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] (Lynette is putting Penny in the playpen while the twins play a portable piano.) Porter:I wanna play "chopsticks." Preston:Me too. Lynette:You okay? (The doorbell rings.) Lynette:I'm coming! Mrs. McCluskey:Hi. Lynette:Hi. Mrs. McCluskey:Your kids--they have any allergies I should know about? Lynette:Uh,not that I know of. Why? Mrs. McCluskey:'Cause I'm watching them.Tom called,said you both got pulled into work for the weekend,asked me to baby-sit. Lynette:Really? Mrs. McCluskey:I thought it'd be nice if I gave 'em back to you alive. Tom:Oh,hey,Mrs. Mccluskey.(to Lynette)Sorry,I forgot to tell you. Mrs. McCluskey:Hi. Lynette:Oh,that's okay. Um...would you excuse me just for a second? I have, uh, a thing. Mrs. McCluskey:Sure. Lynette:Thanks.(to Tom)Follow me.You're part of the thing. (They walk into the laundry room.) Lynette:A million teenagers in this neighborhood,and you hire Mccluskey? Tom:What's the big deal? Lynette:Well,for starters,she's ancient! Tom:Shh!This is a thin door! Lynette:It was not that long ago that she keeled over in her front yard.A day with our kids will finish the job.
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Tom:It's only for a few hours.Plus,Parker's on a play date with the Farrells,so it's just the twins and Penny. Lynette:Just the twins and Penny? Tom:Okay,that was stupid.Let me try that another way.We have to be at work in one hour.There's no day care on the weekends,so you cut McCluskey loose,we're stuck. Lynette:We will find someone--someone who doesn't remember what they were doing the day Lincoln was shot. Tom:Fine.Let's go break the news. (They walk back into the living room. Tom keeps walking up the stairs.) Tom:My wife has something to tell you. Lynette:So,here's the deal.Um,there was a little miscommunication,and as it turns out,we don't need ya. Mrs. McCluskey:Okay.Fine.I'll just go back home. Lynette:Okay. Sorry. Mrs. McCluskey:By the way,your husband was right.It's a thin door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Driveway - Daytime] (Gabrielle gets out of her car carrying many shopping bags. She looks up and sees Carlos standing in the window talking to a woman in a towel. She throws the packages down and runs into the house. There is a pitcher of wine and glasses set up in the living room. She runs upstairs.) Gabrielle:Carlos,what are you doing? Lucia:Hello,Gabriela. Gabrielle:Oh.Hi,mom. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Living Room] Lucia:I just told Carlos I just had to take a shower.The man next to me on the plane weighed 300 pounds,and he sweated all over me.Ugh,it was so gross. Gabrielle:No,I'm just surprised you're here.It's Valentine's Day.Don't you and Mr. Hedgefund have plans?I know Carlos and I do. Lucia:No,I left Charles. Gabrielle:What?He was worth,like,$6 million. Lucia:Money is not everything,Gabriela. Gabrielle:For some people,but we're talking about you now,mother. Lucia:You know,I can't believe this.I mean,I just went through a terrible breakup,and the least you could do is pretend to care. Carlos:Well,of course we feel awful about it,don't we,Gabrielle? Gabrielle:Yeah,we're just sick about it. Lucia:Well,don't worry about me.I'll be okay.In fact,I bought myself a little gift to take my mind off my problems. Gabrielle:Really?What did you buy? (Lucia stands up and pulls her robe open in front of Gabrielle.) Lucia:New boobs! Gabrielle:Whoa! Lucia:No peeking,Carlos. Gabrielle:Okay,mom,put these away! Lucia:My plastic surgeongave me a great deal.Aren't they fun?Bye,Carlos. (Lucia goes upstairs. Carlos chuckles.) Carlos:What?I think she's charming.
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Gabrielle:Okay,you can think she's charming.But don't forget for one second that she is a monster. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Kitchen - Daytime] (Susan is scrubbing a ring with a very small brush.) Julie: Did you get the gum out from under the diamond? Susan:Mostly. (Dr.Ron comes downstairs.) Ron:Morning. Susan:Hi!Happy Valentine's Day. (Susan drops the ring in a vase.) Julie: Dr. Ron,did you spend the night? Ron:Well,uh,yeah,I got kinda tired after the movie,so I asked-Susan:It's okay. She knows that you make house calls. Ron:Oh.Um,so listen,I've got surgery till 6.I'll get dressed and I'll pick you up at about 7.We have reservations at Chez Naomi. Susan:Great!I'll have a light lunch. Ron:And also,Dr.Cunningham's schedule opened up,so if you'd like,we can move up your surgery to Wednesday. Susan:Oh,I have a wedding that day. Ron:On a Wednesday? Susan:Yeah.Wednesdays are becoming very popular with brides.It's like the new Saturday. Ron:Okay.Well...I'll see ya tonight.Bye. (Dr. Ron leaves.) Susan:Your mother is a rotten,sneaky person. (Susan fishes the ring out of the vase.) Julie: Look,I'm not too crazy about this whole fake marriage thing,but if you don't have that operation,you could die.So don't be so hardon yourself.You are a good person. Susan:Thanks,hon.That really helps.Okay,now I want you to go over and slip this ring to your father.And just so you know,if Edie catches you,I'm expecting you to swallow it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Kitchen - Daytime] (Andrew gets the milk from the refrigerator as Bree walks in wearing her bathrobe.) Andrew:How's the hangover? Bree:I do not have a hangover,Andrew,because I was not drunk. Andrew:Then,uh...how about a little hair of the dog?It'll perk you right up. (He pulls out a bottle of wine.) Bree: Look,for the record,I had an allergic reactionto my antihistamine medication,so I would appreciate just a little bit of sympathy. Danielle:Why can't you just drink alone in your room like Tammy's mom? Bree:For god sakes,it was an honest mistake.I thought I could have just a little bit of wine with dinner,but, apparently,my body couldn't handle it.Fine!If it makes everybody happy,I will just suffer through my sneezing fits and my hives on my own. (She throws the pills into the sink.) Bree:There. Is that better? Andrew:So basically you would rather drink than to not have allergies?
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(The doorbell rings. Bree opens the door.) Lynette:Hi.Is now a bad time?I could really use a favor. (The twins and Penny in the stroller are standing in front of Lynette.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House - Daytime] (Zach is staring at the wedding picture of his parents.) Paul:She was beautiful,wasn't she? Zach:Yeah. Paul:Come on,sit down.Your breakfast is getting cold. Zach:Was my real mother beautiful? Paul:Well,she was,uh,attractive,as I recall. Zach: Do I look like her? Paul:I don't know.I-I only met her once. Zach:Well,'cause if I don't look like her,then I might look likemy real dad. Paul:I'm getting real tired of your morbid fascination with two strangers who didn't love you enough to keep you.So,please,stop asking about them. Zach:It's only natural that I'd wanna talk about my birth parents. Paul:Well,it may be natural,but it certainly isn't polite. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's Bedroom] (Noah is lying in bed looking at the police photos of the bones found in the trunk.) Detective Sullivan:And once your daughter was dead,they had to get rid of her somehow.That's where the toy chest came in.Flash forward 15 years,the chest washes upon the shore of Rockwater Lake.Any forensic evidence is long gone,and the Youngs get away with murder.Now,of course,the wife,Mary Alice,is already dead,but...Paul Young's a different matter.If you'd like me to deal with him,just say the word. Noah: Delfino's bringing my grandson here.I wanna get the kid something.You know anything about those mp3 things? Sullivan:Yeah,they're real nice.I'd go with that. Noah:Ah,he's probably got one already.Paul Young has had 16 years to get my grandkid anything he wants.Do me a favor,will ya? Sullivan:Yeah. Noah:See to it that Paul Young has a toy chest of his very own. (Mrs. Tilman stands outside Noah's door, eavesdropping.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Living Room] (Edie calls up the stairs to Karl, who's lying on the bed, watching TV.) Edie:Karl! Karl:Yeah? Edie:This place is a freakin' pigsty.Would you get down here and help me? Karl:All right,hold on,it's almost half time.By the way,I made dinner reservations at Chez Naomi tonight,if that's okay. Edie:It's gotta be better than that rathole you took me to New Year's.And don't even think of getting me carnations again.That crap might have flown for Mayer.I actually have taste.Come on! Move it! (Edie begins straightening up Karl's briefcase and sees the engagement ring and the pre-nup agreement.) Karl:All right,I'm coming.
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(Edie runs upstairs.) Edie:No! No,no,no.Sit and watch the game.I was just giving you a hard time.You'd had a tough week. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Daytime] (The twins are banging on the portable piano. Bree comes into the room carrying Penny.) Bree:Boys...can you just keep it down just a little bit?Because I have a very...special type of grown-up headache. Porter:We need to see mommy and daddy.We wanna play 'em our song. Bree:Honey,you can't.They're at work. Preston:Well,can we play it for you? (They begin banging on the piano. Bree grabs it from them.) Bree:Sure.Just--just a moment,okay? (Bree sits down on the couch with a glass of wine and still carrying Penny.) Bree:All right,boys,let's have it. (The twins begin banging on the piano and Bree drinks her wine.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Doctor's Office] (A doctor is talking with Gabrielle and Carlos.) Doctor:When I heard that you two wanted to try for another child,I was delighted.But I had some cause for concern.Gabrielle,you suffered some extensive injuries during your fall last month,and the test confirmed there are complications. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Dining Room - Daytime] (Gabrielle, her mother, and Carlos are sitting around the table eating as Xiao mei serves food.) Lucia:You can't have kids? Gabrielle:Well,the doctor's not 100% positive,but it's very,very iffy. Lucia:Carlos,I am so sorry.I know how much you wanted to be a dad. Carlos:Thanks. Gabrielle: Don't be so suicidal.We can always adopt. Carlos:I wanted to have a child of our own.You know that. Gabrielle:What does it matter whose D.N.A. it is?The diapers are still gonna smell the same regardless. Carlos:I'd just prefer not to adopt. Okay? Gabrielle:Fine.What about surrogacy?I mean,I know it's pricey,but at least the baby would look like us,and I wouldn't get stretch marks.It's a win-win. Carlos:Great.So then we have some stranger off the street giving birth to our child.Is that what you really want? Gabrielle:What I want is for you to lighten up.We don't have a lot of options, and you're gonna have to pick one. Lucia:I-I have a thought. Mm?Well,it's,uh,a little bit controversial,but,uh,go with me.Well,first of all,let me tell you,that I am in the best shape of my life. Gabrielle:So? Lucia:So...what if I was your surrogate?Yeah,I know. I know it might sound a little crazy,but I am the only one in the world that you can trust to put the baby's needs first.You know,I'll exercise more,I'll eat better-Gabrielle:Mother,no! Lucia:Why? Gabrielle:Off the top of my head,you're on medicare?
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Lucia:I am only fifty... one.You know,and there's this woman in England last year.She was 63 years old,and she gave birth to her own grandchild. Gabrielle: Look,I don't care if she shot triplets out of her ass.It's not gonna happen.Can you believe this? Carlos:How'd that England baby turn out?I mean,it didn't have,like,a big head or anything,did it? Gabrielle:Carlos,you are not seriously considering this. Carlos:Well,think about it,Gaby.This way,the surrogate wouldn't be some impersonal incubator.There'd be a family tie. Gabrielle:I have a migraine.I'm gonna go lay down upstairs.Then when I get up,I hope we can all talk about this like rational human beings. (Gabrielle goes upstairs. Gabrielle turns back and sees her mother patting Carlos' arm.) Lucia:Carlitos,don't worry.Just give her time.She'll come around. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Living Room - Daytime] (Bree is passed out on the couch with Penny on her chest. One of the twins taps her trying to wake her up. He picks up Bree's arm and lets go. Her arm flops back down to her side.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House - Daytime] (The twins push Penny in the stoller down the street.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Living Room - Daytime] (Bree wakes up.) Bree:Boys?Boys? (She searches the house.) Bree:Okay,we're done playing hide-and-seek!Boys?! (Bree runs to the Scavo house and bangs on the locked door. She runs down the street yelling down the street.) Bree: Porter! Preston!This isn't funny! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskey's House] (Bree approaches Mrs. McCluskey as she rakes her yard.) Bree:Mrs. Mccluskey,hi.Have you seen the Scavo boys? Mrs. McCluskey:No,can't say that I have. Why? Bree:I have something to tell them. Mrs. McCluskey: Ah. (Bree rushes off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] Lynette:Have they signed the contract?'Cause if not,somebody should call Bednark and tell them to adjust the language. (Lynette's cell phone rings.) Lynette:Oh.I'm sorry.Hang on.Hello? Hairdresser: Lynette Scavo? Lynette:Yes. Hairdresser:I believe I have something that belongs to you. (The twins are playing with hair dryers as Penny sits quietly in her stroller.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Beauty Salon] (Lynette and Tom come running in.) Lynette:Hi. Excuse me.Hi.You called and you said my kids are here? Porter/Preston:Hi,mommy! Lynette:Oh,my god! Porter/Preston: Dad! Tom:Just what were you thinking,taking off like that? Lynette:Honey,I was so worried about you. Tom:Get your stuff.Get your stuff right over here. Lynette:Thank you.Thank you so much. Tom:Stay right here. Hairdresser:I'm just glad I found 'em and not some weirdo freak. Lynette:Oh,yes.Oh,yeah,me too. Thank you. Hairdresser:Because there are all sorts of crazy people out there--drunks,perverts,molesters. Lynette:Yes! Yeah,no,I know. Hairdresser:No! You got really lucky.I mean,a different person might have called the cops or child welfare. Lynette:Well,uh,okay,I know how this looks,but I have to tell you,I left them with a very reliable baby-sitter. Hairdresser:Oh,yeah.You picked a real winner. Lynette:Are you judging me?Because if you are,you couldn't say anything Tom: Lynette,Lynette! Lynette:What?! Tom: Let it go.The kids walked for 3 miles to get here.We don't have a leg to stand on. Lynette:Well,thank you so much! Tom:Here we go. (Lynette, Tom, and the kids leave.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Kitchen] Gabrielle:Hey...I don't know about you,but I am tired of all the tension around here,so I was thinking we could go shopping,have some fun.Then maybe later we can talk about the surrogacy thing,see if we can make it work. Lucia:Oh,Gabriela!Oh,you'll see...this is the best thing for the entire family. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Car] (Gabrielle pulls up in front of a hotel.) Lucia:So where's the boutique? Gabrielle:Oh,it's in the hotel lobby.So go ahead,I'm right behind ya. Lucia:Okay. (Gabrielle's mother gets out of the car. Gabrielle stays in the car and locks the doors.) Lucia:What are you doing? Gabrielle:I'm going home. Lucia:What?I thought we were gonna talk about how the surrogacy will work. Gabrielle:Here's how it's gonna work--you're gonna check yourself into the hotel,and then tomorrow,you're gonna plant your child bearing hips on a plane,and you're gonna leave our lives forever. (Gabrielle pulls out a handful of cash and throws it at her mother.) Gabrielle:I'm pulling out.Watch your boobs. (Gabrielle drives away.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] (Tom's car pulls in the driveway. Bree comes running out of her house and runs over.) Lynette:Come on out. Bree:Oh,thank god! I'm so sorry.I don't know what happened.I was in the kitchen cleaning up after making cookies,and I looked in the living room,and they were gone. Preston:We tried to tell her we were going,but she was asleep. Lynette:You were sleeping? Bree:I most certainly was not. Porter:Yes,you were. Lynette:Okay,all right,that lie just lost you another week of TV and video game privileges.That's two.You wanna keep talking and lose more?Then apologize to Mrs. Van de Kamp. Porter/Preston:Sorry. Lynette:All right,go back in. Bree:No--no harm done. Lynette:I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos is carrying Lucia's bags.) Carlos:Well,if you ask me,it's a pretty crappy thing to do.Did you even slow the car down before you pushed her out? Gabrielle:Okay,first of all,no one asked you.And the only reason you care about my mother is because of that ridiculous suggestion she offered. Carlos:I think her offer to be our surrogate was very generous. Gabrielle:Generous?Don't you see the strings attached? Carlos:What strings? Gabrielle:The only reason she offered up her dusty womb is because she's screwed.Her latest sugar daddy gave her the boot,so mom needs a place to stay and money.So trust me,if she carried our child,we'd be footing the bill for years. Carlos:I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment. Gabrielle:Maybe,but you don't know her like I do. Carlos:Okay.You ran away from home 15 years ago.Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your stepdad? Gabrielle:It wouldn't have done any good. Carlos:How do you know that? Gabrielle:Because...she knew exactly what was going on with alejandro,and she chose to look the other way. Carlos:But you never even gave hera chance to step up.You just ran away from home. Gabrielle:Because if I did,then she, we--because...there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me,and...and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me. Carlos:She's your mother,and she loves you.I know it's been a very long time,but maybe you can talk to her about it now. Gabrielle:I'm getting her luggage back to her,and that's the best I can do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (There's a knock at the door.) Paul:What are you doing here?
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Mike: There's something I need to talk to you about.It's important. Paul:There's nothing for us to talk about. Mike: Shut up and listen.Dierdre's father,Noah Taylor,somehow found out about Zach,and he wants to meet him. (Zach is just walking into the room and stops when he hears Mike talking.) Paul:"Somehow found out"?Like,maybe you told him? Mike: Noah is no friend of mine.But he's very rich and powerful,and he's terminal,and he wants to meet his grandson before he dies. Paul:Absolutely not. Mike:Well,you'll be surprised,but I agree with you.Noah destroys everything he touches,and the last thing either of us wants is for this guy to get his hooks into Zach. Paul:What are we supposed to do? Mike:You and Zach need to vanish.Just stay out of sight until nature takes its course with Noah. Paul:If we leave,we won't be coming back.You'll never see your boy again. Paul:I know. (Zach backs out of the room after overhearing this.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Chez Naomi] (Edie and Karl are sharing a romantic meal. They kiss.) Edie:Well,happy Valentine's Day,my darling. (Across the room, Susan and Dr. Ron are also sharing a romantic meal.) Ron:Isn't that your ex-husband? Susan:Oh,yeah. (Susan waves at Edie.) Edie:Apparently,they'll let anyone in here.(waves back)Hi. Waiter:Your chocolate souffls will be out momentarily. Edie:Oh,we didn't order souffl? Karl:I ordered as soon as we got here.It takes an hour to prepare. Edie:Oh,I really can't.I'm stuffed. Karl:No,no,no,this you'll wanna try.It's their specialty. Edie:I guess I'll have the souffl?Can you excuse me for a second?I,um...I just have to powder my nose. (Edie gets up and goes to Susan's table.) Edie:I'm sorry to interrupt.(to Susan)Your makeup is all smudged.Come with me.I'll fix it. Susan:What? Edie:Come on,get up. Susan (to Dr. Ron):Sorry.(to Edie)My makeup is smudged? (Edie pulls Susan into the restroom.) Edie:Get in here.I have some news that's probably gonna devastate you.But I wanted to be the first one to tell you. Susan:Okay. Edie:Karl is about to pop the question. Susan:You mean,like,marriage? Edie:Hmm hmm!Oh,I hope I haven't ruined your Valentine's Day.Do you want a tissue? Susan:No,no. I'm okay.I-I'm just... surprised.Well,congratulations.What makes you think he's gonna propose? Edie:Well,I,um,I was looking through his briefcase this afternoon,and I found this ring.And so tonight he keeps pushing this "special dessert" on me,so obviously,he's hidden the ring inside.
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Susan:A ring!What did it look like? Edie:Oh,I don't know.18-karat white gold,10 diamonds,engraved accents.I just got a quick peek. Susan:I think I know that ring.That's his grandmother's ring.It's a family heirloom.And,you know,he might just be having it cleaned or something. Edie:Except for one thing--lying right next to it...was a prenup! Susan:Well,Karl is a lawyer,and it could just be a prenup for another client. Edie:Boy,jealousy is one ugly thing up close. Susan:Oh,no,Edie-Edie:No,you know what?I'm gonna take the high road and...and I'm gonna ignore your nastiness.If you'll excuse me,I'm going back to my table and getting engaged. (Edie sits back down at the table with Karl. The waiter serves the souffl. Susan comes out of the bathroom with a note in her hand. She stops the waiter.) Susan:Oh,hi. Um,do you see that man over there?Dark hair,handsome.I need you to slip this to him without anybody noticing. (The waiter takes the note and gives it to the man sitting with a woman behind Karl's table. The man opens the note, which reads: "Be careful! She thinks you're about to propose.") (The man stands up, angry, and begins screaming at this date.) Man:God,you never stop.I told you,I'm not divorcing my wife.I'm in this for the sex,and if you can't accept it,then go to hell. (The man walks out. Edie begins sticking her fingers in the souffl.) Karl:What the hell are you doing? Edie:Well,I thought you said this dessert was special. Karl:When you put it in your mouth and eat it.What is wrong with you? Edie:Well...nothing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (Lucia opens her door dressed in a bathrobe.) Lucia:Carlos,what a surprise.Come on in. Carlos:I thought you could use your bags. Lucia:Oh,yes.The perfect timing.I just took a shower and needed something to change into.Here,leave it here.This is fine. Thank you. Carlos: Listen,do you have a minute?Because I need to talk to you about something. Lucia:Hmm,yeah,sure. Sit down.Talk as I dress.I'll leave the door open so I can hear. (Lucia grabs a dress out of her bags and goes into the bathroom.) Carlos: Look,I was,uh,I was thinking about your surrogacy idea. Lucia:Mm hmm. Carlos:And I think it could be the answer to all of our problems.That is,if you're still interested. Lucia:Yes! I mean,uh,I am.But I-I just think that Gaby will never let it happen. Carlos:No,no. No,she can be convinced.I know it. (Lucia comes out of the bathroom.) Lucia:Can you please,uh,zip me up? Carlos:Huh? Lucia:My zipper! It's stuck. (Carlos gets up and zips up the back of the dress.) Lucia:You did that so fast.I know someone who works out. Carlos:As I was saying,I think the surrogacy idea could work.but you and Gaby are gonna have to mend
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some fences. Lucia:After such a long time,what is the point? Carlos: Lucia,please,hear me out.There was a lot of stuff that Gaby went through when she was younger--a lot of stuff that you don't know about.And I think that if you went to her and asked her about it,then the two of you could finally get past it. Lucia:What stuff are you talking about,Carlos? Carlos:Your second husband,Alejandro?When Gaby was 15,he assaulted her sexually. Lucia:Is that what she told you? Carlos:Look,I know that it comes as a shock for you to be hearing it from me-Lucia:Carlos,please,I am aware they had sex.But it was Gabriela who seduced him. Carlos:Excuse me? Lucia:She was always jealous of me.You don't know how many times I caught her wearing my shoes,trying on my jewelry...and I'd scream at her to leave my things alone,but no,she wanted whatever I had.Then one night,she set her sights on Alejandro.Believe me,no one got raped. Carlos:Lucia,she was only 15 years old.
Lucia:You know,a lot of men have left me over the years,and I never knew the reason.But when Alejandro left,I knew exactly why it happened.Gabriela made him fall in love with her.Oh,it took me so many years to forgive her. Carlos:You forgave her? Lucia:But of course.I couldn't have offered to carry her baby unless I had. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Karl is taking the garbage to the curb. Susan is hiding across the street.) Susan:Karl. Karl!Come here!Why didn't you answer your damn cell phone? Karl:I turned it off.What's going on? Susan:Where's Edie? Karl:She's upstairs.She's been in a pissy mood eversince we left the restaurant.I don't know what's wrong with her. Susan:She found the ring and the prenup in your briefcase.She thought you were gonna pop the question tonight. Karl:Oh,no. Susan:Oh,yes.You know,this whole fake marriage thing was okay when nobody was getting hurt.What are we doing? It's a lie!I lost Mike over a lie,and now I'm doing the same thing to Dr. Ron,and--and look at Edie.She was devastated.I don't think I can go through with this. Karl:You can't call off the wedding.How are you gonna pay for your surgery? Susan:I don't know.You know,I'll just...I'll sell the car. Karl:Susie,this is your health we're talking about.We're getting married. Susan:Karl-Karl:No.Dr. Ron would be the first to say that you're doing the right thing.I'll figure out some way to handle Edie. Susan:How? How are you gonna handle Edie?That poor woman's dreams exploded in her face tonight.You know,it's not like you can just go out and buy her flowers,and everything will be better. Karl:Then I'll propose to her. Susan:Well,that's a little extreme.
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Karl:Not really.I was probably gonna do it eventually anyhow.Obviously we're gonna have to get a divorce before I can actually marry her.But,uh... what? Susan:Nothing. I just...I didn't know that you loved her like that. Karl:She's a great kid.Total package.What's the matter,Susie Q?Jealous? Susan:No,of course not.Well,okay,this is good because...you know,if this experience helped you to realize your true feelings,then,uh...then we did something good here. Karl:Yeah. I think we have.Come here. (Karl hugs Susan.) Susan:I can't believe you thought I was jealous.It's not like I still have feelings for you anymore. Karl:You're right.I-I was just fooling around. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos comes home.) Gabrielle:So? How did it go? Carlos:Fine.I just dropped off the luggage and left. Gabrielle:Ah. (Carlos kisses Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:What was that for? Carlos:No reason.Hey,I was thinking...we should look into adoption. Gabrielle:Seriously?But I thought you wanted a kid with your own D.N.A.? Carlos:Blood isn't everything. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House - Daytime] (Lynette is bringing out her garbage. Mrs. McCluskey is across the street working on her yard.) Lynette:Hey! Mrs.McCluskey:I heard ya lost your kids yesterday. Lynette:Yeah.It was cleared up.It was just a little confusion. Mrs.McCluskey:Uh,help me out here with something.What exactly is it you look for in a baby-sitter? Lynette:Excuse me? Mrs.McCluskey:Well,I may be ancient,like you say,but I've never gotten drunk and lost track of three kids. Lynette:What? Mrs.McCluskey:I smelled wine on Bree Van de Kamp when she was looking for your boys. Lynette:That's ridiculous. Mrs.McCluskey:Is it?Yesterday I found her passed out on her front lawn,drunk as a skunk. Lynette:I've known Bree for years and years.There's no way she was drinking while baby-sitting my kids.So...just go spread your poison somewhere else. Okay? Mrs.McCluskey:I just thought I'd do you a favor and let you know,that's all. Lynette:Okay,well,thanks. (Mrs. McCluskey walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House - Daytime] (Bree is bringing out her garbage.) Lynette:Hi.You,um,you recovered from all of yesterday's excitement? Bree:Oh,truthfully,I haven't been able to get my mind off it.What a scare,huh? Lynette:Yeah,although I-I still can't figure out how my boys managed to sneak past you. Bree:Well,you know how boys are at the age.They're escape artists.
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Lynette:They're like lightning.It's just,Penny... Bree: Penny? Lynette:Well,I mean,I just don't understand how Porter and Preston managed to wrangle her into the stroller and then make it out your front door without you even noticing.I guess if you'd fallen asleep...it could've happened like that,I-I guess. Bree:You know,I think,um,I must have been cleaning the kitchen,and I-I just didn't hear them because of the noise from the dishwasher. Lynette:Look,I apologize in advance for how this is going to sound,but I have to ask. It's just gonna eat away at me.Were you drinking while baby-sitting my kids? Bree:No!Ah,you know,I may have had just the tiniest little bit of chardonnay. Lynette:Oh,gosh,you got drunk,and you passed out. Bree:Lynette,if I close my eyes even for a moment,it's because of these antihistamines I've been taking. Lynette:Really?Is that why you passed out on your front lawn yesterday morning? Bree:Now that you're speaking to me in a fairly accusatory tone,may I remind you that I was doing you a favor? Lynette:You put my kids in danger,and then you lied about it.Do you not get how big that is?Do you have some kind of problem with alcohol? Bree:No!The only problem I have is with your children.They're incorrigible because you let them run amok.And if I hadn't drifted off,they would have waited until I was in the bathroom or stuck on the phone or upstairs doing laundry. Lynette:On any given day,how many glasses of wine do you put away? Bree:I will not be spoken to like that.I just won't. (Bree walks away into her house.Lynette goes to Bree's trash can and opens the bag. She starts taking out all the wine bottles.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Now and then,we all need a little help...so we ask for small favors. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Justice of the Peace Office] (Susan and Karl are getting married.) Susan:Thanks.I owe you one. Mary Alice Voiceover:But it's always best to be wary of those eager to come to our rescue. Justice of the Peace:Well,go on.Kiss the bride. (Karl kisses Susan.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskey's House] (Tom is talking to Mrs. McCluskey.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Because even the smallest of favors... Mrs. McCluskey:Sure thing,Tom.I'd be happy to baby-sit for you.My,have you noticed how clogged my rain gutters are? (Tom looks up at her rain gutters.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...carries a price tag. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (A bellhop is taking Lucia's luggage out.Lucia is on the phone.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes,everyone has an agenda. Lucia:I heard about your operation,Aunt Inez,and I'm jumping on a plane right now to come and help you out. Mary Alice Voiceover:No matter what they may tell us.
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Lucia:No,I'm happy to,and I'm prepared to stay as long as it takes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Bree comes out the door and looks down.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And in those rare instances where there is no ulterior motive... (On her porch are twelve wine bottles neatly lined up. A note is in one of the bottles.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...we're so taken aback that we may fail to recognize the truth... (Bree opens the note which reads: "Do you still think you don't have a problem?") (Lynette,across the street,is cleaning up her kids' toys on the lawn.Lynette stares at Bree,who stares back. Lynette walks into her house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...that a loving friend has just done us an enormous favor. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2X16 - There Is No Other Way -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives. Lynette:You put my kids in danger,and then you lied about it.Do you have some kind of problem with alcohol? Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette asked a loaded question. Gabrielle:I'm the one who was sleeping with your son,but it's over now. Helen:No,you're wrong. It's not even close to being over. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle confessed... Felicia:Here's your mail. Mary Alice Voiceover:While Noah's search for Zach... Felicia:I worry for that boy.What kind of people would buy a baby from a junkie? Mary Alice Voiceover: Played perfectly into Felicia's plot... Noah:See that Paul Young has a toy chest of his very own. Mary Alice Voiceover:...For revenge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's Living Room] (Paul dials the phone with a newspaper on his lap.) Mary Alice Voiceover:What made my husband Paul Young such a good investor was his uncanny ability to anticipate the future... [Flashback - Mary Alice's Living Room] (Mary Alice with a young Zach in the living room. Mary Alice is trying to unknot Zach's tennis shoe. Paul is in the kitchen.) Mary Alice:Zach,how did you do this? (Paul watches and smiles as Mary Alice struggles with the knot in Zach's shoe.) Mary Alice Voiceover:He foresaw the necessity of the Velcro shoe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Mary Alice's Kitchen] (Paul watches as Mary Alice mixes ingredients to make coffee.) Mary Alice Voiceover:He predicted the advent of the $3 cup of coffee.
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[Flashback - Mary Alice's Kitchen] (Paul watches as Mary Alice pours water into a thermos.) Mary Alice Voiceover:He even anticipated the surprising boom in bottled water. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day - Mary Alice's House] (Paul is reading the paper and talking on the phone.) Paul:Yeah,it's Paul Young.I've been reading about the election results in Brazil.It's time to buy sugar. Mary Alice Voiceover:But the crystal ball that served Paul so well in the stock market sometimes failed him closer to home. (Paul gets up to answer a knock on the door. Detective Sullivan is on the porch.) Sullivan: Paul young? Paul:Yeah. Sullivan: Detective Sullivan.You need to come downtown for questioning. Paul:About what? Sullivan:We're investigating reports of credit card fraud,and your name has been linked with several of the victims. Paul:Well,it must be some mistake. Sullivan:Could be.But we still need to go downtown and straighten it out. Paul:All right. Zach:Well...how long is this gonna take? Paul: Don't worry about it.It's just a mix-up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mary Alice's House - Nighttime] (Detective Sullivan walks Paul to his car. Paul sees Felicia get out of her car and walk to her door with groceries. They stop and stare at each other.) Sullivan: Let's go. (Felicia watches as the detective takes Paul away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (Detective Sullivan is booking Paul.) Paul:What's going on?I thought you just wanted to ask me some questions. Sullivan:That's after you're booked. Paul:Booked? Booked for what? Uniformed Officer:You can't book him here anyhow,detective.Computers are down.We're all full up.You gotta take him down to county. (Detective Sullivan handcuffs Paul.) Paul:What is going on?This is crazy.I wanna call my lawyer.What the hell do you guys think you're doing anyway? Huh? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station Parking Garage] (A uniformed officer is leading a handcuffed Paul to the police van.) Paul:This is ridiculous.I get a phone call! (The officer pushes Paul into the van and locks the doors.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes,in the world of investments,my husband had a remarkable ability to see the future. (Inside the van are two prisoners dressed in orange prison jump suits.) Prisoner:Got a message for you,Paul Young.Dierdre's father said to give you his regards.
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(The prisoner pulls a knife out of his boot and attacks Paul.) Paul:Aah! Mary Alice Voiceover:But sadly,Paul didn't see this one coming at all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Kitchen] Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree Van de Kamp had a weekly routine she'd been following for years. (Bree crosses off a day on a calendar posted on the wall.) [Flashback - Bree's Kitchen] Mary Alice Voiceover:She cleaned on Tuesdays. (Bree sweeps her kitchen.) [Flashback - Bree's Dining Room] Mary Alice Voiceover:She paid her bills on Wednesdays. (Bree at her dining room table paying bills.) [Bree's Laundry Room] Mary Alice Voiceover:She did her laundry on Thursdays. (Bree is doing laundry.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day - Bree's Dining Room] (Bree waters the flowers on her dining room table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And after these daily chores were completed,she would reward herself with a little drink. (She walks to her couch with a wine glass in her hand. As she reaches the couch, she sees through her friends talking together outside the window.) Mary Alice Voiceover:What Bree didn't know was this latest addition to her routine had been noticed by her friends.And it had now become part of their routine to discuss it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Bree looks out her window and sees Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette are standing by Lynette's car talking.) Lynette:So apparently Bree had a few too many and passed out.Next thing I know, I get a call at work--someone found my kids wandering the street. Gabrielle:Oh,my god! Susan:Have you seen Bree since? Lynette:No.I'm worried about her,but I don't know how I'm gonna get over what she did. (Bree watches as Lynette drives off to work. Bree comes out of her house and approaches Susan and Gabrielle.) Susan:Hey,Bree.How you doing today? Bree:I'm really well.Um,I just saw you all talking before Lynette went off to work.What were you all talking about? Gabrielle:Oh,nothing,really.Carlos and I are gonna go see the adoption counselor today. Susan:I'm checking myself into the hospital.I'm finally gonna get that surgery. Bree:Oh. Good for you.Did Lynette mention the little tiff we had? Susan:Just in passing. Gabrielle:She barely mentioned it. Bree:Because what happened was,I accidentally mixed my antihistamine medication with,you know, a little glass of wine I was having, and I-I fell asleep, you know,while I was...watching her kids.I mean,I like a little
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wine with dinner,I mean,now and then. You know,who doesn't?But,uh,I mean,you know, to trash my entire reputation-Gabrielle:Oh,Bree, she didn't trash you. Honest. Bree:Well,good. I mean,I just--I really wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression.Well,I'm--I'm going to the mall.They're having a white sale today.I think I'm gonna get a new bath mat.Oh,does anyone need one? Gabrielle:No,I'm good. Bree:Okay,take care. (Bree walks away.) Gabrielle:Wow,did you smell the alcohol on her breath? Susan:I sure did. Gabrielle:Oh.(Sighs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Tom is presenting a pitch to the staff.) Tom:Then our Eskimo turns in the camera and says," polar fresh mints will give your breath an 'A'-plus,too."So what do you think? Lynette:It feels a little familiar. Tom:Really? I don't think so. Lynette:No,I'm pretty sure the Lowell Group used Eskimos in a deodorant commercial they had last month. Remember? Tom:Oh,this is completely different.Those were jock Eskimos competing in the Iditarod.Our Eskimo's trying to,you know,patch things up with his wife. Lynette:Yeah. No,I get the subtle distinction.I think we can do better.Okay? So,sally,you're up.What do you got for me? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] Tom:Hey. Lynette:Hey. Tom:"I got the subtle distinction"?What was that about? Lynette:If you really wanna do this now, shut the door.Okay,sure, I was a little bitchy.But you know why? You did a half-ass job in there. Tom:Hey,you may not like my idea,but you can't say I didn't work hard. Lynette:Oh,please.I live with you.Last night, when you should've been trying to make that pitch work,you were watching the game. Tom:I wasn't watching the game. Lynette:I saw you! Tom:What,okay,now I can't check the score? Lynette:Are you saying you gave your heart and soul to that Eskimo pitch? Tom:I worked really hard on that pitch. Lynette: Did you give it 100%?Well,exactly. So? Big deal.Go work up some new ideas,and then we'll go over it during lunch.Okay? Tom:You're the boss. Lynette:Yes,I am. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Susan is lying in bed, reading. Dr. Ron and Dr. Cunningham come in. Dr. Cunnigham has his right arm in a
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cast.) Ron:Hey. Dr. Cunningham:Susan.Good to see you again.I'm really looking forward to your surgery. Susan:And I'm really hoping you're a lefty. Dr. Cunningham:Nope. I can't even write my name.But that's what I get for throwing my kid a roller-skating party. Susan:Funny. So what about my surgery? Dr. Cunningham:Oh,I'll still do it.With Dr. Ron's help,of course. Ron: Dr. Cunningham will be standing right beside me.With my hands and his brain,you got the best parts of both of us. Susan:Then I'm on board. Dr. Cunningham:We're keeping you under observation, so,hopefully, we'll operate tomorrow. Ron:Uh,if you don't mind,I'd like a minute to consult with my patient. Dr. Cunningham:Oh! Right, your,um,little thing. Susan:What "little thing"? Ron:Um,well,it was--it was gonna be a surprise,but... (He turns and coughs and Nurse Hisel walks in carrying a large vase of red and yellow roses.) Susan:Oh,my god,they're beautiful. Ron:Um,look,I've been thinking about us a lot lately--about putting this operation behind us and where we'll go from there.Our future...together.And I really suck at putting my emotions into words, which is,um,it's why I wrote it all down.There's a card. Susan:Oh. Ron:Uh,but you can't read it.Not--not while I'm here anyway.It's way,way too stressful.Um,I am going to go now. (Dr. Ron kisses Susan and leaves the room. Susan picks up the card and reads it to herself.) Susan:Wow.Wow. Hisel:Oh,he's so romantic.May I? (She reaches for the card.) Susan:Oh,it's sort of private. Hisel:Well,I did help him pick out the flowers. Susan:Oh. Um...okay.There's more on the back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Adoption Agency] (Carlos and Gabrielle are with an adoption counselor.) Gabrielle:So how does this work?Do we flip through a catalog or something? Rhoda:I wish it was that easy.You have to understand,for every baby,there are ten couples who want it.You don't choose your child.The birth mother chooses you. Gabrielle:Really? Carlos:So what do you think our chances are?We will do anything that we need to do. Rhoda:Well,your typical birth mother is usually a young girl,and she'll just wanna make sure you're quality people.Now to show her that,you'll be putting together a parent portfolio. Carlos:What's that? Rhoda:Family pictures,character references,that kind of stuff. Gabrielle:So,um,we're auditioning to be parents? Rhoda:I guess you could say that. Gabrielle:So just to be clear,some slutty cheerleader gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local
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gas 'n gulp,and she is going to make sure we're quality people? Carlos:You don't need to answer that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Back Yard] (Bree is reading the paper drinking a glass of wine.) Andrew:You know,you don't have to hide it from me. Bree:Hmm? Andrew: Drinking.It doesn't bother me. Bree:Oh,I wasn't hiding anything.I was simply...enjoying the day.What you want? Andrew:Well,um,Mason was my ride to school.And his dad's moving them to Tucson so... Bree:Oh,well,if you need a ride to school, I'm happy to drive you. Andrew:No,that's not what I want.I want a car. Bree:Well,then I suggest you get a job. Andrew:Why should I go work my ass off at some fast food place when I can already afford what I want? Bree:Andrew,we're not touching your trust fund. Andrew:It's my money. Bree:Not until you're 21.And if I had my way, you wouldn't get your hands on it until you're 50.I mean,we both know you're gonna waste every penny of it. Andrew:Why are you being like this? Bree:Because,sweetheart,it is my job to teach you about responsibility,setting goals,delayed gratification. Andrew:What do you know about delayed gratification?It's not even noon, yet you're already on your third glass of wine. Bree:You know,on second thought, I won't be driving you to school.The walk will do you good. Andrew:Mom,I'm not kidding around.I want my money. Bree:The answer is no. Andrew:Well,aren't we a mean old drunk? (Bree slaps Andrew.) Andrew:Whatever that was supposed to teach me,consider the lesson learned. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Susan wakes up to find Karl laughing as he reads her card from Dr. Ron.) Karl:Oh. Whoo. Susan:What are you doing here? Karl:I'm just enjoying the silky smooth moves of Dr. Ron.Or should I say,"Dr. Love"? Susan:Give me that. Aah! Karl:This is my favorite--"I can't wait to be in the operating room with you so I can touch your heart,because you've already touched mine so deeply." Susan:Okay,that part sounds better when you don't read it out loud.And what are you doing reading it anyway? Those are Dr. Ron's private thoughts. Karl:Yeah,I got that.You know,I sense that he really likes you,Susie. Susan:So? Karl:So do you really like him? Susan:Of course I do.He's smart and funny and kind. Karl:Smart,funny,kind.I don't hear the word "love" in there. Susan:Well,that's a big word.We just started dating,and we have a connection,and I'm gonna follow it through
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and see where it goes. Karl:Oh,I get it.You're gonna string him along till you feel something you don't and waste the next five years of your life. Susan:As opposed to the 12 I wasted on you?Why are we talking about this?I don't recall asking you your opinion. Karl:Because we're married and I have certain rights,and one of them is the right to badger you. Susan:Okay,you know,you can leave now. Karl:I wish I could M.R.I. Your soul-Susan:Out!It's not funny. (Karl leaves and bumps into Nurse Hisel.) Karl:Hey,watch out for my wife.She's on a tear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Living Room] (Gabrielle and Carlos are sitting on the floor with pictures spread all around them.) Gabrielle:Oh,here's one we took on vacation. Carlos:Hmm. Gaby,these pictures have to be wholesome.They gotta say..."These people will do a great job raising a child." Gabrielle:So? Carlos:So you're topless. Gabrielle:Yeah,but it's St. Barts,and your hands are covering my naughty parts. Carlos: Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot,or the one that's holding the cuban cigar? Gabrielle:Yeah,that was a good trip. Carlos:Gaby! Gabrielle:Fine. We won't use it. Carlos:We can't use any of 'em.Every single picture of the two of us,we're either drinking or smoking or naked. Gabrielle:So we like to have fun. I mean,who doesn't understand that better than an unwed,knocked-up teenager? Carlos:This is serious.If we can't sell ourselves as good people... Gabrielle:Well,then we'll just have to find someone who can do it for us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Porch] (Gabrielle and Carlos are at Lynette's door.) Lynette:So you want me to,uh...pitch you as parents? Gabrielle:You're in advertising.You can do it.Just write us a character reference saying we're great with kids. Oh,this is for you. (She hands Lynette a bottle of wine.) Lynette:Oh. Well,you don't have to bribe me.We're all friends here.(Chuckles) Gabrielle:Keeping that in mind,would it also be okay if we were your kids' godparents? Lynette:Oh! Uh... I guess. Gabrielle:Great,and can we take some fake pictures to document it? Lynette:I don't suppose you brought a corkscrew? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's House] (Zach is on the phone on the porch.) Zach:You didn't have a warrant,and if you don't arrest him,then you gotta tell me what he wants.
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(Felicia is standing in front of the Young house with a cup of coffee when Mike walks up.) Felicia:Hello,Mike. Mike:Felicia,what are you doing here? Felicia:Oh,I left in such a rush.There was a lot of old businessI forgot to wrap up. Mike:Well,it must be pretty important business,gets you to move back in next door to the man you think murdered your sister. Felicia:It's funny you should mention Paul.You know,the police came and took him away last night. Mike:The police? Felicia:And from the way they were manhandling him,ooh,I don't think he'll be back anytime soon. (Mike looks over and sees Zach on the phone.) Zach:No,I just wanna talk to him,that's all... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Mike is talking on the phone with Noah.) Mike:What the hell's going on? Noah:It's none of your concern,Mike. Mike:You listen to me,if anything happens to Paul Young-Noah:It already happened.Hours ago. Mike:He's dead? Noah: Like I said,it's none of your concern. Mike:Maybe you don't get it,Noah.You screwed up.You just killed the most important person in your grandson's life.Do you think he's gonna have anything to do with you once he finds out?And believe me,I'll make sure he finds out. (Mike hangs up and takes an gun out of the cupboard.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Dining Room] (The family is having dinner.) Tom:So,honey,the meat loaf--it's,um,it's a little burnt. Lynette:Oh,right,I was talking to Susan on the phone,and I left it in a little longer than I should've. Sorry. Tom:It's okay. (Sighs) Lynette:Is it that bad? Tom:No. No,not bad at all. Lynette:Oh,good.Parker,don't put your elbows on the table. Come on. Tom:But you'd agree it wasn't your best effort. Lynette:Huh? Tom:The meal,the task you agreed to take on.You'd agree that you didn't give it 100%,right? Lynette:Tom,if you're gonna make a point,why don't you do it now before I hurl the plate at you? Tom:Nobody gives 100% of his effort all the time because they can't.It is impossible.You do the best you can with the time and energy you have. Lynette:Stop right there.This is meat loaf. (Chuckles)Your presentation was business. Tom:You're saying the client deserves more effort than your own family? Lynette:Okay.So if I apologize for upsetting you at work,can we get past it and enjoy our meal? Tom:Absolutely. Lynette:I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I am sorry. Tom:Thanks. Lynette:So,boys,how do you enjoy the meat loaf?
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Parker:It's a little salty. Preston:Yeah. Lynette:Just eat it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park - Nighttime] (Andrew and Justin are sitting on a bench. Andrew puts a large ring on Justin's finger.) Andrew:There. Perfect.All right. (They stand and Justin hits Andrew in the face with the ring, knocking him down. Andrew stands up.) Andrew:All right,one more time. Justin:What? Andrew:Yeah. Justin: Dude,I don't wanna mess up your face. Andrew: Do you love me? (Justin nods.) Andrew:Then do what I tell you. (Justin punches him again.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Bedroom] (Lynette and Tom are getting ready for bed.) Tom:Rough day. Lynette:Yeah.I wonder if there's any way that we can turn it around still. Tom:Good question.But what to do?What to do? Lynette:Yeah. (They begin kissing and rolling on the bed. They roll and Lynette attempts to push Tom on his back when Tom pushes her away.) Lynette:Hi! What's up? Tom:Why do you keep trying to do that? Lynette:What? Tom:Trying to get on top. Lynette:Of you? No,I'm not. Tom:You were pushing on me like you were trying to sack me.I felt it. Lynette:Are you serious?Tom,I wasn't doing anything.I was just going for it.I was just lost in the moment.Oh,come on!Come on,this is silly.I don't wanna argue.I mean,unless it turns you on.Does it? 'Cause thenI'm all about it,baby. Tom:Come here. (They begin kissing and rolling around on the bed again.) Tom:What--what was that? Lynette:What--what was what? Tom:You were bracing.You were bracing with your leg.I was trying to lie on top of you,and you were bracing yourself against the mattress so you didn't have to get on your back.Try and deny it.Try and deny it. You can't. Lynette:Okay,okay,can I just mention you're talking like a crazy person? Tom:You can't give it up for a second,can you?You always have to call the shots. Always. Lynette:Is this about me being boss again?You gotta get over it. Tom:That's exactly my point.Exactly.You are not just my boss at the office.You're my boss everywhere. Lynette:Oh,that's ridiculous. Tom:You run the show.You run the show,and I'm along for the ride.I just push the little shopping cart,let the
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woman do all the driving. Lynette:Tom... Tom:I'm the caddy husband.I carry your clubs. Lynette:I am so sorry you feel that way,but you cannot put that on me.This is your life.You wanna run it? Then step on up.You wanna drive?Grab the steering wheel.I mean-- what else am I supposed to say? Tom:I'm gonna check on the kids. (Tom walks out. Lynette lies down.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Nurse Hisel walks into Susan's room.) Hisel:Time to check your blood pressure. Susan:Oh,sure.Oh,that's a little tight.Does it have to be that tight? Hisel:Yes. Susan:Oh.Okay. Ow,ow. That's actually starting to be painful. Hisel:Really?That surprises me.I just assumed you were dead inside. Susan:Ow! Ow! (Susan rips the cuff off and jumps out of bed.) Susan:What the hell are you doing? Hisel:I told myself to stay out of this,but I can't.I know that you're married. Susan:I am not! Hisel:Really? Hmm,'cause that man that came to see you yesterday,he said you're his wife. Susan:Oh! Yeah,oh...no,no,he just said that 'cause we used to be married.It's just a force of habit. Hisel:Oh,that explains everything.Except that I checked your insurance forms,and you're still married.So that makes you a lying,adulterous skank. (Nurse Hisel walks out of the room. Susan tries to follow but is connected to the I.V.) Susan:Oh,no. No,no.No,no,nurse hisel.Ow,ow,ow,ow! (Susan rips the tube from the IV sack. Liquid pours out.) Susan:Ow,Nurse Hisel!Ugh! Nurse--oh! (Susan is still connected to a monitor. She rips out the plug, picks up the monitor and runs after the nurse.) Susan:Nurse Hisel,I can explain. Hisel:Can you,skank? Susan:Yes. Okay.I am married,but it's only because my insurance ran out.My ex-husband has a really good coverage plan,so he said that he would remarry me so I could get my operation.Only I didn't wanna tell Dr. Ron 'cause I didn't want him to be an accomplice to fraud. Hisel:So you're what...protecting him? Susan:Yeah. It--yes,I am. Hisel:Okay.As long as you're not two-timing him.He feels so strongly about you. Susan:I know. I read the card. Hisel:But did you read between the lines? Susan:What do you mean? Hisel:Okay,I shouldn't be telling you this,but when we were picking out the flowers for you,he said that he was working up the courage to say he loves you. Susan:Really? Hisel:Yes!But you have to act surprised,okay? Susan:Oh,yeah,I'll be surprised.So I guess we have the whole insurance thing worked out. Hisel:Oh! Pfft. Don't worry about that. Please.Who am I to cast stones?I mean,heck...I didn't pass my nurse's
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exam.They didn't even ask me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree comes downstairs to find a man in the living room.) Bree:Andrew,did I hear the bell?Oh,hello. Samuel:I'm Samuel Bormanis.I'm here to see Andrew. Bree:Oh,okay.Are you a friend of Andrew's? Samuel:I'm his lawyer. Bree:His lawyer? Well,why on earth would Andrew need a lawyer? (Andrew enters the room. His face has several bruises on it.) Andrew:Here you go,Sam. Bree:Honey,what happened to-- to your face? Andrew:I...you hit me.Don't you remember? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Dining Room] (They are all sitting around the table.) Bree:For the record,I did not punch my son.I slapped him with an open palm. Andrew:Yeah,but,mom,the thing is,when you drink,you don't know your own strength. Bree:This is ridiculous.Can't you see this is a performance? Samuel:Mrs. Van de Kamp,I've heard enough.Clearly,this environment is a highly dysfunctional one.Andrew has retained my services in order to pursue a healthier living situation. Bree:And what might that be? Andrew:I,um,I wanna be emancipated. Bree:Emancipated? Samuel:As an emancipated minor,Andrew would be able to live on his own.He'd still go to school,of course,but he'd be released from all adult supervision. Bree:Well,that's the silliest thingI've ever heard of.How would he support himself? Samuel:Well,he'd be in complete control of his own finances. Bree:So that's what this is about--your trust fund? Samuel:Obviously,we'd all prefer not to go to family court,but with the violence and your D.U.I. Charge,it could get ugly. Bree:Uh,Mr. Bormanis,I'll need a little time to think about this. Samuel:You have 24 hours. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Adoption Agency] (Carlos and Gabrielle are looking through a photo album. The pictures are of them playing with the Scavo kids.) Carlos:Boy,it really looks like we're having a good time.I sure hope this works. Gabrielle:Well,as long as they don't make me play guitar,I think we're home free. Secretary:Mr. And Mrs. Solis,Rhoda can see you now. (As they go into Rhoda's office, Helen Rowland, John's mother, comes out of the office next to Rhoda. She watches as they go into Rhoda's office.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rhoda's Office] (Rhoda is looking through the photo album.) Rhoda:Wow!It looks like you spend lots of time with these kids. Carlos:Oh,we take our roles as godparents very seriously.Don't we,honey?
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Gabrielle:Mm-hmm. Yes. Rhoda:Oh,they're precious.What are their names? Gabrielle: Parker and,uh...Porter,uh...and,uh...well,they're all P's.It is super cute. (Helen stands in the doorway. ) Rhoda:One sec.Do you need me,Helen? (Helen walks into the room.) Helen:Hello,Gabrielle.Carlos.I didn't know you were adopting. Gabrielle: Preston!The other one's name is Preston. Carlos:Helen,you work here? Rhoda:You all know each other?What a small world. Helen:It sure is.Mrs. Solis hired my son to do her yard work.And also,she would rape him. Gabrielle:Okay,first of all,it was statutory,and it happened so long ago. Helen:Was it? I think it was only about a year ago.No,it was a year,because it was right before your husband went to prison on slave labor charges. (Helen picks up the Solis file from Rhoda's desk.) Helen:Rhoda,if you don't mind,I think I'll handle the Solis case myself.I'd like to make it my top priority. Rhoda:Okay. Helen:Oh,and,um,Gabrielle,don't bother trying to contact any other adoption agencies in the area.I'll make sure they know all about you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Room] (Lynette is visiting Susan.) Susan:I think I have to break up with Dr. Ron. Lynette:What? Why? Susan:Because he's a gem.And apparently he loves me. Lynette:I'm sorry.I'm not following. Susan: Lynette,he is everything I could possibly want in a boyfriend,and I just don't know if I feel that...spark. You know,and I really want to. Lynette:Aw,sweetie. Susan:And he keeps telling me how special I am and how much I mean to him...how he wants to hold my beating heart in his hand. Lynette:Ew. Susan:Mmm.Maybe it's because I just haven't felt that thunderbolt yet.You know,with Mike,it hit me.With Karl,it hit me.I didn't have to worry about how I felt because the thunderbolt told me. Lynette:Yeah,yeah.Gotta love the thunderbolt. Susan: Do I,though? I mean,I do.But I don't trust it anymore.You know,those relationships turned out to be disasters.Maybe I should stick it out with Dr. Ron,and I should try heading down a road that's growing and slower into a sort of kind of love that would sustain itself for 50 years. Right?Stability,comfort,endurance--I deserve that. Lynette:Oh,yes!Of course you do.Still,you gotta love the thunderbolt. Susan:That's not helpful. Lynette:Sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Nighttime] Carlos:Ah,this is a sign. Gabrielle:Will you shut up?
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Carlos:We lost a baby,found out we can't conceive another one,and ran into Helen Rowland at an adoption agency.God is obviously trying to tell us something. Gabrielle:Carlos,we're Catholics,okay?God is pretty Johnny One Note on the whole subject of procreation.Hey,and will you stop with this defeatist attitude?Okay,do you wanta baby or not? Carlos:I think it's time that we faced reality--we're bad people,and we probably don't even deserve to be parents. Gabrielle:Well,then who the hell does?I mean,look at all the idiots popping kids.Okay,they're not any more qualified than we are. Carlos:I don't know. Gabrielle: Look,Carlos...it doesn't matter what we've done in our past.Being a parent means rising to the occasion,and that's exactly what we're gonna do when we bring our baby home. Carlos:This is the first time I really felt like you wanted to have a baby. Gabrielle: (Sighs)Well,this is the first time someone told me I couldn't have one. Carlos:Okay,so what are we gonna do?I mean,no adoption agency is gonna touch us now. Gabrielle:There are ways to get babies,Carlos.It just might cost us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mary Alice's House - Nighttime] Mike:I have some contacts in the police department.I've been making calls,but I can't seem to get a straight answer about your dad. Zach:I don't understand.How do they just lose somebody? Mike:They don't,not by accident.But I don't think what happened to your dad was an accident. Zach:What's that supposed to mean? (The doorbell rings. Zach rushes toward the door.) Mike:Zach! (He puts his hand on his gun and Zach opens the door to reveal Felicia Tilman standing there, holding a tray of food.) Zach:Mrs. Tillman. Felicia:Hello,Zachary.You look terrible.Oh,Mr. Delfino.Isn't this just a picture? Mike:Felicia,why are you here? Felicia:Young Zachary and I didn't exactly part on the best of terms. (She turns her head and her neck cracks.) Felicia:In fact,when the weather's damp,I'm still reminded of our last good-bye.But forgive and forget.That's my motto.Macaroon? (A police car pulls up in front of the Young house. A battered Paul gets out. Felicia looks shocked.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Police Van] (The two prisoners are fighting with Paul. Paul begins fighting back. A uniformed officer runs to the van and opens the door. Paul and one of the guys fall out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day - Outside Mary Alice's House] (Zach runs out and hugs his father. Felicia stares at Paul in shock.) Zach: Dad!You all right? (Paul and Zach walk back to the house. Paul takes a macaroon from Felicia's tray.) Paul:Now how did you know I love macaroons? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's Living Room]
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Mike:It won't end here,you know.Noah Taylor doesn't give up. Paul: Look,don't worry about us.We'll be gone by morning. Mike:No,it's too late for that now.I guarantee he's got people watching you. Paul:What is it with you anyway?First,you want me to run.Now you want us to stick around like sitting ducks for this maniac. Mike:Go ahead,run.Noah's got the cops in his pocket.What do you think's gonna happen the first time you try to buy gas with a credit card or open a new bank account? Paul:So I'm a dead man. Mike:Maybe not.Not if we use what leverage we have. Paul:No way. Mike:The old man's gonna be dead in a couple of months,maybe less.Let him meet Zach,play the doting grandfather-Paul:I said forget it. (Zach, on the stairs, overhears them and comes down.) Zach:I'll do it.If it means he'll leave us alone,I'm ready to be leveraged. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agency] (Lynette and Tom are in the elevator.) Lynette:Nicholson will be coming in in about 15 minutes with a pitch,so let's grab everybody and make sure we're all on the same page. (The elevator door opens and Lynette starts to walk out, but Tom grabs her arm and pulls her back in.) Tom:Hang on a second. (He pushes the 'stop' button on the elevator.) Lynette:What's going on? Tom:I need to say this. Lynette:Ah,yeah... Tom:I have been giving you a lot of grief lately about being the boss.But it's just hard for a guy to feel like he's not in charge of any part of his life. Lynette:But,honey, it goes back and forth. Tom:I know. But it just feels a little one-sided lately,and sometimes I need to drive the train.But,look,I know it is my issue.It's my issue,and I will step up and deal with it. (Tom begins to kiss Lynette passionately. He starts undressing Lynette.) Lynette:Mmm.Whoa. Hello.What's going on,huh? Tom:I'm picking up where we left off.Last night. Lynette:Oh,I get it. I get it.Ooh! This is your idea of driving the train.And it's very manly and really impressive,but it's really,really bad timing.You can't be serious.Mmm. We're gonna--we're gonna be late. Tom:Yeah,we are going to be late. Lynette:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Attorney's Office] Attorney:There is nothing more important than family.And I think it's so unfair some are denied their god-given right to parent just because of a few sordid incidents in their past.Now I may have to explore some unconventional paths to find your child.I might even have to take action some might view as unsavory.But before I do...I need proof that the two of you are prepared to face the challenges ahead. (Gabrielle pulls a check out of her purse and hands it to him.) Gabrielle: $20,000.Is that proof enough for you?
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Attorney:Yes,it is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's House] (A nurse leads Mike and Zach in to see Noah.) Noah:Nice to meet you,young man. Zach:I'm not gonna hug you.I don't care if you are my grandfather. Noah:Ah. That's okay.Hugging's not really my thing.Mike,could you wait outside?I'd like to be alone with Zachary. Mike:Not a chance. Zach:Just curious...why was it so important you see me? Noah:You're my grandson.My flesh and blood.Isn't it only natural I'd wanta relationship with you? Zach:What kind of relationship can we have when I know you tried to kill my dad? Noah:Surely,you can understand the rage I must feel towards your father. Zach:Go ahead. Feel all the rage you wanna feel.But if anything happens to him,I swear to god you are never gonna see me again. Noah:You only met me two minutes ago,and here you are,already blackmailing me.I couldn't be prouder. Zach:I'm serious.I want you to swear you're not gonna do anything to my dad. Noah:Which dad?You have two of "em". (Zach pauses.) Zach:You know who I'm talking about--my dad,the man who raised me,the only man I'm ever gonna care about. So swear. Noah:I swear.Well,now that the ground rules have been set,who's up for some meaningless small talk? (Zach looks at Mike, who turns away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Waiting Room] (Karl is sitting reading the paper. Mike walks in with flowers.) Karl:Well,if it isn't the plumber.You here to see Susan? Mike:Uh,yeah,I just wanted to talk to her before her operation. Karl:Oh?You're cutting it kinda close.She's just about to be wheeled into surgery.You know,she's dating her surgeon. Mike:Yeah,she told me.You met him? Karl:Yeah.He's,like,6 years old.Those for her? Mike:Yeah. The florist was having a sale on lilacs. Karl:Dr. Ron just bought her the biggest bouquet of roses you've ever seen.It was disgusting.And the note that went with it made my teeth hurt, it was so saccharin.He used words like"soul mate" and "eternity."I almost puked in the vase. Mike:What'd Susan think about that? Karl:Well,she seemed to be really into it. (Susan is being wheeled out of her room on a gurney. She sees Mike in the waiting room.) Susan: (groggy)Mike!Oh,wait,stop! Go back!Stop! Stop a second.Hey!What are you doing here? Mike:I just,uh,wanted to wish you luck before your surgery. Susan: Aw,that's so sweet.You came all the way down here just for me. Mike:Yep. That's why I came. Susan: Oh,it means a lot to me that you came. Mike:Well,you take care,Susan.
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Susan: Okay.Bye. (They wheel Susan away.) Karl:You forgot to give her your flowers. Mike:Ah,it's no big deal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Operating Room] Ron:Hi,Susan. How are those drugs working for you?You feeling good? Susan: Super-duper.How you feeling? Ron:Well,um,you know I want you to know,what I said the other day--that corny stuff about me holding your heart in my hands--well,what I meant to say was,my feelings for you--they keep growing,and,uh,I think--well,I hope that you feel the same way about me.Mm.Ah,hell,Susan.I love you. Susan: Aw,thank you.I love Mike. Ron:Mike?Susan,who's Mike? Susan: Mike is love. Mmm. Ron:Who the hell is Mike? Hisel:I don't know,but she's married to a guy named Karl.I'm so,so sorry.I should've told you,Dr. Ron. Susan: Mmm,Mike,Mike,Mike... Hisel:Oh,why are you always falling in love with skanks?You beautiful,beautiful man!Oh! (As she runs from the room crying, Dr Cunningham walks in.) Cunningham:Okay,we ready to go here? Ron:Yeah. Sure.Let's cut this bitch open. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Kitchen] (Bree is emptying bottles of wine into the sink.) Andrew:What are you doing? Bree:Your lawyer left a message on my machine.It seems we have a hearing in four weeks,and I wanna be ready. Andrew:Oh,I get it.So,uh,so you're gonna pretend to be sober for the judge? Bree:Oh,there's no pretending.I am going to my first A.A. Meeting tomorrow.Of course,I picked one in the worst part of town so I won't run into anybody I know,which,of course,means I will. Andrew:All right,so what is that gonna prove? Bree: Perception is reality,Andrew.And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem,then I do.And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich.So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic. Andrew:Good plan,but it'll never work.See,I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered. Bree:Oh,Andrew,you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol? Andrew: Look,I'm 17,all right?So you can only keep me here for another year.Why not just let me go? Bree:Because I'm not done with you yet.It's my job to teach you,and you are not half the manI know you can be. Andrew:Yeah,well,I got news for you--this is as good as I'm gonna get. Bree:If I really thought that,I'd get a gun right now and kill us both. Andrew:Mom,we're both so unhappy.Why not just let me take my trust fund,and I'll get out of your hair forever?Please. (Bree shakes her head no.) Andrew:You're a stone cold bitch,you know that? (He turns and walks out. Bree throws a bottle of wine at the refrigerator where it shatters. Andrew turns
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around, looking shocked.) Bree:I'm sorry.I didn't quite catch that. Andrew:I hate you. Bree:You know,the opposite of love isn't hate.It's indifference.And if you hate me,that means you still care,and we're still connected,and I still have a chance to set you right. (Andrew walks out of the room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:This is how Bree Van de Kamp finally came to change her weekly routine. (Bree takes a dustpan and broom and sweeps up the glass.) Mary Alice Voiceover:She still cleaned on Tuesdays... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Dining Room] (Bree is at her dining room table paying her bills.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...paid her bills on Wednesdays... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Laundry Room] (Bree picks up a laundry basket full of clothes.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...and did her laundry on Thursdays. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Bree gets into her car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But her Fridays were now reserved for a meeting... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Room] (Bree sits in a circle with a group of people in a large room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...a special meeting where she stood in front of people she didn't know... Bree:My name is Bree,and I am an Alcoholic. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and said things she didn't believe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree moves some boxes on a high shelf and takes a hidden bottle of wine down. She pours a glass and drinks.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And afterwards,Bree would come home and reward herself...on the completion of another successful week. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 2x17 - Could I Leave You? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives. Carlos:But no Adoption Agency's gonna touch us now. Gabrielle:There are ways to get babies, Carlos. Gabrielle: $20,000. Mary Alice Voiceover:Wheels were put in motion...
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Ron:I love you. Susan:Aw, thank you. Susan:I love Mike Mary Alice Voiceover:True emotions were revealed... Ron:Who the hell is Mike? Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. Bree:My name is Bree, and I am an alcoholic. Mary Alice Voiceover:And false pretenses became a way of life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Gabrielle anxiously looks out her front window and smiles as a car pulls up in front of the house. ) Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabriel Solis had always been a demanding shopper. Gabrielle:Carlos, come on!They're here! Mary Alice Voiceover:And whatever the purchase,she always expected the very best. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch] (Gabrielle opens the door to the delivery man, who hands her a package.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Whether it was exotic perfume shipd over from Paris... [Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch] (A delivery man hands Gabrielle another package.) Mary Alice Voiceover:A high fashion gown straight from a runway in Milan... [Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch] (A delivery man hands Gabrielle a stack of shoe boxes.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or designer shoes flown in from Manhattan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle stands in her foyer, visibly excited.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But on this day,her expectations were going to be put to the test. (Carlos enters the foyer and kisses Gabrielle.) Mary Alice Voiceover:You see, Gabrielle was now shopping for a baby. (Gabrielle and Carlos open the front door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And there was a problem...with the manufacturer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Front Porch] (Their lawyer, Mr. Beale, is standing with a very unattractive pregnant girl.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Living Room] (Mr Beale is sitting on the couch with the very unattractive girl.) Deanna:Mostly, I just wanna feel like I'm giving my baby to people who have what it takes to be really great parents. Carlos:Well, you won't find another couple with more love for a child.Isn't that right, honey?Honey? Right. Gabrielle:Right, uh, lots of love.Honey, can I talk to you for a second? Carlos:Yeah. (Carlos and Gabrielle go out to the front porch.) Gabrielle:Okay. okay, look, we have to find another mother.
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Carlos:Why? Gabrielle:Okay, this isn't easy to say,so I'm just gonna say it,but have you taken a good look at her? Carlos:Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deana's baby because she's plain? Gabrielle:No, plain I can handle.Carlos,since that woman has walked into our house,the clocks have stopped working. Carlos:No one can predict what a child is gonna look like.For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests. Gabrielle:With her D.N.A.,the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show.Look, Carlos, I am sorry,but I want a pretty baby,so let's find another mother. Carlos:Mnh-mnh. I'm not gonna let your shallow obsession with looks screw this up.I want a child--any child. Gabrielle:Fine. Just know that in a couple of days,when that thing is born,and you're gonna have to cuddle and snuggle up with something with that face on it, don't come crying to me. (Carlos and Gabrielle go back into the living room.) Carlos:I'm sorry.Now where were we? Mr Beale:We were just talking about the custody arrangement once Deanna gives birth.It's usually best that the mother doesn't see the child at all.So, as soon as the doctors finish giving their initial checkup... (Carlos watches as Deanna take a chip and dips it into guacamole. She bites into the chip and there is guacamole left on her face. Carlos continues watching her eat the chips, licking off the guacamole and becomes disgusted. Carlos glances sideways at Gabrielle.) Mr Beale:The baby will be handed over to you. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Gabrielle had always been a demanding shopper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Gabrielle closes the attorney's passenger on Deanna.) Gabrielle:Sorry. Mary Alice Voiceover:Because she knew there are some purchases... that can't be returned. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Hallway] (Several hospital staff members are wheeling Deane into the delivery room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:At 6:10 the next morning,Deanna Pruse went into premature labor and gave birth to what would eventually be an incredibly attractive baby boy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Delivery Room] (A nurse holds the baby as the doctor cuts the umbilical cord.) Mary Alice Voiceover:At 11:43, Dr. Hanson Mills cut the umbilical cord, forever separating mother and child. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Hallway] (Dr. Ron is walking to Susan's room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:At that exact same moment,Dr. Ron Mccready entered the private room of Susan Mayer with every intention of severing their connection. Ron:Hey there.How's it goin'? Susan:Great.I'm about to be released. (Susan is in a wheelchair.)
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Ron:Oh, that's terrific.Who's Mike? Susan:Why do you ask? (Susan wheels herself away from Dr. Don and bumps into various pieces of furniture.) Ron:I don't know. No reason.Ah, it's just,.. just before the operation,just before you went under,I said, "I love you,"and you said, "I love Mike." Susan:I did?Oh, is that why you han't been in to see me since my surgery? Ron:Answer the question. Susan:I don't even know a Mike. Ron:Everyone knows a Mike. Susan:Yes, everyone does know a Mike.Actually, you're right. I did know a Mike in college.We did this play together, "pippin." it wasn't very good.Anyways, I never thought of him,so you shouldn't be accusing me.I was probably just hallucinating. Ron:Fine, Fine.So... Who's the guy you're married to? Susan: Damn that Nurse Hisel! Ron:Or should I say, "Who's the guy you're cheating on?" Susan:Okay, yes,I did remarry my ex,but it was only because he has great health insurance.Did Miss Blabbermouth tell you that, too? Ron:You--you committed insurance fraud? Susan:Only in the legal sense.And I just didn't tell you because I wanted to protect you. Ron:Susan. Susan:Okay, you know what?You should come over to dinner and meet Karl,that there is absolutely nothing between us. Ron:So wait,once you're fully recovered you're gonna divorce him? Susan:Oh, yeah, that's the plan.I swear. Ron:And you swear that you're not in love with anyone named Mike? Susan:Sure. Ron:Okay. Come here. (He hugs Susan.) Ron:I believe you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alcohol Anonymous Meeting] (Bree is sitting in a circle with other AA members. She is embroidering and not paying attention to what anyone is confessing.) Member #1:Next morning,I woke up in an alley.My wallet had been stolen.I was lying in a pool of my own vomit. That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom. (Everyone claps.) Peter:Okay, who's next?Bree? Bree:Oh! Um, I couldn't possibly top that.Thank you, though. (After the meeting, Bree is cleaning off the messy refreshment table when the counselor, Peter, walks up to her.) Bree:Hi.Before coming to these meetings,I never realized how messy substance abusers can be. Peter:We usually leave the doughnut crumbs for the overeaters anonymous group at meets after us.You know, just to mess with 'em. Bree:You're awful. Peter:So... tell me, Bree,how long have you been sober?
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Bree:Gosh, um...I'm not exactly sure. Peter:Oh. Is somebody still drinking? Bree:Now why would you say that? Peter:Never met an alcoholic yet who didn't know exactly how long it'd been since his last drink. Bree:Okay, you got me.I'm not really an alcoholic. Peter:You don't say. Bree:It's true. I'm coming here because of my son.You see, he's--he's trying to take me to court to become an emancipated minor,and he's planning on lying to the judge and telling him that I am some sort of dreadful lush. So I'm coming to these meetings to give the impression that I have changed. Peter:But you don't really need to change because you don't have a problem with alcohol. Bree:Exactly. Peter:I'll tell you what... here's my card.And if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay? Bree:I know you think I'm kidding myself,but I'm not.I'm nothing like you people.I just don't have a compulsive personality. (She does a quick check of the table, then walks off. Peter looks down at a perfectly immaculate table.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher & Murphy - Lynette's Office] (Lynette is serving donuts and pastries to a woman, Veronica, being interviewed. Veronica is eating a donut.) Lynette:Word is out all over town that you're unhappy at Zimms,so why not jump ship and come to Parcher & Murphy?I swear, Veronica,you would fit in so well here. Veronica:I do need to make a change, Lynette,but the money you're offering... Lynette:Yeah, it sucks, but there are other perks--the expense account, the corner office... Veronica:I don't know.You're just gonna have to give me some time to think about it. (Veronica grabs another donut and begins eating.) Lynette:Fair enough, fair enough.Okay, what is your secret?How can you eat like that and keep your figure? Veronica:It's the breast-feeding.It burns so many calories.It's like having a treadmill strapped to your chest. Lynette:I didn't know you had a child. Veronica:Yes, my son Donovan.He's the love of my life. Lynette:Really, Veronica?Well, you know, there's another perk that I just thought of. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher & Murphy - Day Care Center] (Veronica and Lynette are looking in the center.) Veronica:Oh, My gosh, this is fantastic!They don't have day care at Zimms. Lynette:How can they not?For working parents like you and me, It's a necessity.So is the pot getting sweeter? Veronica:Would people here be cool about my breast-feeding Donovan?The guys at Zimms were real jerks about that. Lynette: Parcher & Murphy is completely mother-friendly.No one would say a word. Veronica:What the heck, I'm in. Lynette:Yeah?Well, that's fantastic! Veronica:Oh, my god,Whose kids are those? (Lynette's sons are knocking over a table, shouting and laughing.) Lynette:I have absolutely no idea.Let's go hammer out the details. Veronica:Okay. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Mr Beale's Office] (Carlos and Gabrielle are looking at photos of prospective mothers. The photos look like mug shots.) Carlos:Mm. Ooh. Gabrielle:These can't be our only choices, Mr. Beale.I mean, come on.Each girl is uglier than the next. Beale: Look, finding a gorgeous pregnant woman who's willing to give her baby to a couple with a criminal record isn't exactly a walk in the park. Gabrielle:I don't care if it's a walk in the sewer.We are hemorrhaging money into your bank account,and I expect to see results. Beale:You know, Mrs Solis,you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Gabrielle:If I wanted to catch flies,all I would have to do is call up one of these girls.Trust me, the flies would follow. (The intercom beeps.) Receptionist:Excuse me, sir, there's a Libby Collins here for you. Beale:I'll be right out there.Uh, I took the liberty of inviting this girl down here to meet you.Now I wouldn't exactly say she's a quality human being,but she is attractive.If you don't respond to her,I'm afraid I'm out of ideas. (Mr Beale leaves the room.) Carlos:He's going to dump us as clients if you don't stop being so damn picky. Gabrielle:We're gonna have to stare at this face for the next 18 years.I don't think now is the time to skimp on quality. (Mr Beale enters with a beautiful pregnant blonde woman.) Beale:Gabriel, Carlos...I'd like you to meet Libby. Gabrielle (whispering to Carlos):Well, now, this I can work with. (Later, Libby, Carlos, Gabrielle and Mr Beale are all sitting in his office talking.) Libby:So getting pregnant was the worst thing that could've ever happened to me,'cause I went into debt and I had to stop performing. Beale: Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club. Gabrielle:Wow, that--that sounds like interesting work. Libby:You'd think so,but it gets old quickly.My big dream is to become a choreographer. Carlos:Really? Libby:Yeah. I made up this one move.It's called "the serpent's tongue,"and all the girls at the club are doing it now. it's so cool.If I had a pole I could show you. Carlos:Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out.We'll make a night of it. Gabrielle:Yeah, we'll do that.So, Libby, who's the father? Libby:Honesty, I don't know.I mean, there's a lot of guys who come into the club, and they all buy me drinks,and sometimes I get a little bit more friendly than I intend to.I hope you don't think I'm a slut. Gabrielle:No! No, actually, all we think about when we look at you is how pretty you are. Carlos:Well, I've heard enough, Mr Beale.If Libby here likes us as much as much as we like her,we should just go ahead and move to adopt her baby girl. Libby:First, we should probably talk about how much money I want. Beale:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Nobody's buying a baby here.That's illegal.Money can never exchange hands. Libby, you'll make a list of your expenses,and the Solises here will pay. Libby:Oh, but can't they also buy me gifts?I knew this one girl who gave up her baby, and she got a Harley. Carlos:Well, I don't know that we can afford a Harley,but I'm sure we'll find some way to express our gratitude. (Libby looks at Gabrielle and Carlos's hands, which are intertwined, and at the flashy jewelry they're each
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wearing.) Libby:Okay. Whatever.Well, my lunch break is over,so I have to get back to the club.'till I get rid of this kid,they got me slinging drinks.It was really nice to meet you,Mr. and Mrs. Soulless. Gabrielle:Oh, It's actually pronounced Solis. Libby:Sorry. So what kind of name is that? Carlos:Uh, It's Mexican.Both our families come from Guadalajara. Libby:Huh. I figured you were Italian. Gabrielle:Nope. Latino.Proud of it. Libby:Good for you. (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Susan (in a wheelchair), Bree, and Gabrielle at looking at pictures of Libby. Susan:Wow, she's... gorgeous. Gabrielle:Yeah. My little girl's gonna inherit some wonderful genes. Bree:Is this Libby's real hair color? Gabrielle:Yes, it's all natural,from her straight teeth to her "c" cup.And I know she's athletic because she's a pole dancer,so I really hope that my little girl inherits that as well.No, the athletic gene,not the pole dancing gene. (The ladies turn as they hear Karl calling out.) Karl:Susie, baby?Oh, I got your call, uh...I thought I'd stop by.I didn't realize you had company.Hello, ladies. (Karl starts to wheel Susan out of the room.) Susan:Um, we'll just be a second.Just wheel me.Be right back. Karl:Just be a second. (They leave the room.) Bree: Did he just call her "baby"? Gabrielle:Yeah. When did they stop hating each other? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Dining Room] Susan:I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me. Karl:Now why would I do that? Susan:Well,for starters,because you banged your secretary,and you owe me for the rest of your life. Karl:I'll bring the wine. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Living Room] Bree:Well,you know,before Mike came along,I always just assumed they'd get back together. Gabrielle:Why?I thought they always annoyedthe heck out of each other. Bree:You didn't know them during the good times.I mean,there was such a spark between them,so much passion. They would always make each other laugh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Dining Room] (Karl laughs.) Karl:You actually told Dr. Ron that you still love Mike? Susan:Okay,will you shut up?It's not funny. I was drugged. Karl:Right. Sorry,sorry.So how'd you get out of that one?
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Susan:I lied and I told himI didn't know a Mike. Karl:Everyone knows a Mike. Susan:I am aware of that. Karl:So why didn't you just-Susan:Because I panicked,okay?Dr. Ron hadn't come into see me since the operation and I was feeling insecure and...(whispers)I just didn't feel like the truth was a luxury I could afford.(normal voice)Yes,go ahead.You may resume laughing. (Karl wheels Susan back into the living room. Karl is laughing.) Karl: Ladies,always a pleasure. (He kisses Susan on the forehead.) Karl:And you,I'll see you tomorrow. (He leaves and Susan notices the other women staring at her.) Susan:What? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Advertising Agnecy - Lynette's Office] Veronica:This is just a preliminary sketch,but you see what I'm thinking of? Lynette:I love it. I just love it.Let get a copy to Ed. (Lynette's cell phone rings.) Lynette:Oh,shoot,I gotta take this one.I'm sorry. It's Tom. (Veronica's nanny is outside Lynette's door.) Veronica:That's okay.My nanny is here with my son.I need to go feed him anyway. Lynette: Perfect! Take your time.(into the phone)Hey,honey.How's the Big Apple treating ya?Good. Did those,uh,snooty clients like your pitch?Well,that's perfect.Excellent. (Lynette looks out her office. She sees Veronica walking a five-year-old child toward her office. Lynette seems shocked.) Lynette:Uh-huh.Um,I'm...I'm,um... I'm gonna have--I'm gonna call you back. (Lynette hangs up and watches as Veronica closes her office blinds. Lynette walks over to Veronica's office, trying to see inside. There is a crack in the blinds. Lynette sees Veronica nursing her five-year-old son. Ed walks by and looks to see what Lynette is looking at.) Ed:Oh,my god! (Lynette squeals and they both walk away quickly.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Andrew's Room] Andrew and his attorney are sitting on the bed talking. Bree walks in with a tray. Bree:Hello there!I thought you and your friend might like some snacks. Andrew:He's my lawyer,and this is privileged communication,so get out. Mr Bormanis:Andrew,there's no needto be rude.This is very kind of you,Mrs. Van de Kamp. Bree:Well,I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme,but you are a guest in my house,and guests get sandwiches. Andrew:You know,if you'd let me go to his office,you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him. Bree:Andrew,there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you,but until you find him,I retain all my parental rights,one of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come.Mr Bormanis,nice to see you again.And,um,please don't get crumbs on my carpet. (Bree leaves the room.) Andrew:You have got to get me out of here.That bitchis driving me crazy. Bormanis:This case is not a slam dunk.Her drinking was supposed to be our silver bullet,but since she joined
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A.A.-Andrew:We've gotta do something,because if she wins,she's gonna own me. Bormanis:My advice?Convince her it's in her best interest to let you go.You don't wanna see the inside of a courtroom. Andrew:Why? Bormanis:In family court,appearance means everything.If she came off abusive or stoned or even uncaring,we'd be in good shape.But if there's one thing your mom understands... Andrew:It's presentation. (Mr. Bormanis takes a bite of his sandwich, holding his hand underneath it to catch any crumbs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's Living Room] (Betty is playing the piano when Matthew walks in.) Matthew:Can I borrow $50? Betty: Purse. (She stops playing as he gets her wallet out of her purse and hands it to her.) Betty:Why do you want so much money? Matthew:I'm 19. Sometimes I need money.Do I have to be interrogated? Betty:You do if you wanta dime out of me.What's it for? Matthew: Danielle's having her birthday next week.I just wanna be sure I can get her a decent present. Betty:Write her a poem.It's free. (She continues playing. Matthew bangs on the piano.) Betty:Is there something else you want? Matthew: Do you think I like to beg for money?I do this because you won't let me get a job. Betty: Looking after your brother is a full-time job for both of us,and you know that. Matthew:Well,screw him! Betty:Matthew! Matthew:No,I'm serious,mom,because we have both put our entire lives on hold,and for what?It's been almost a year and he hasn't gotten any better. Betty:I see him improving! Matthew: (yelling)That's because you see what you wanna see!It is time to put him away,mom.Just let some professionals take care of him.We wouldn't have to move.We could have our lives back. (Caleb comes downstairs.) Caleb:What's wrong?You fighting? Betty:No,sweetie.Matthew's friend Danielle has a birthday coming up.We were just talking about what gift to give her. Matthew:Well,I was thinking jewelry...so 50 bucks should do it. (Betty pulls a bill out of her wallet and hands it to Matthew.) Betty:Why not $20?You don't wanna spoil her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher & Murphy - Conference Room] (The staff is gathered around the table when Veronica's son, Donovan, walks in.) Lynette:On page 6 is an example of the new print ad. Check it out. Donovan:I'm thirsty. Veronica:Oh,shh,honey,everyone's working.I'm sorry.This will just take a sec. (Veronica walks out with her son.)
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Ed:Is it just me,or is that bizarre? Jerry:It's bizarre.Totally bizarre. (All the men in the room throw down the bagels they were eating.) Ed:We gotta make her stop this. Lynette:Hey,hey,don't get me wrong.I find that as bizarreas you guys do.But right now this firm needs Veronica more than she needs us.Telling a mother how to raise her kids is an act of war.We will lose her. Ed:The kid is 5.It's disgusting! Lynette:Yeah,well,we'll just ask her to keep the blinds always drawn when she nurses. Ed:We'll still know what's going on in there. It's a distraction.And god forbid a client sees her. Lynette:Okay,so who's gonna tell her? Ed:You're a woman.It's easier for you to talk to her about milk and boobs and stuff. Lynette:No! No,uh,please,don't make me do it.Why don't you have Jerry tell her? Jerry:I made a pass at her yesterday.It'd be weird. Ed:You could do it without offending her.Come on,Lynette.Take one for the team. Lynette:Okay. But for the record,the team is made up of wimps. Ed:Well,the team's aware of that and accepts your loathing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is pouring a glass of milk and Carlos is on the phone.) Carlos:Yeah? Hi. No. No,no.We were just out buying some stuff for the baby. What's up?Seriously?Okay.Thanks for calling. Gabrielle:What is it? Carlos:That was our lawyer.Libby rejected us as parents. Gabrielle:Why? Carlos:Because we're Mexican. Gabrielle:What?! Why,I--that's discrimination.It's illegal.We could have her arrested. Carlos:It's her baby.She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it.Damn it. Gabrielle:No! No,you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin. Carlos:We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance. Gabrielle:Well,that's different. Carlos:Why? Gabrielle:Because I've read the constitution,and it does not protect ugly people. Carlos: Let's not fight about it.It's over.Let's just move on to the next one. Gabrielle:No. No,no,no.I want that woman's baby,and I'm gonna get it. Carlos:And just how are you gonna go about doing that? Gabrielle:Well,first of all,I'm gonna show her one of our tax returns.Once she sees how much money we have,I have a hunch we're gonna look a whole lot whiter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher & Murphy - Day Care Center] (Veronica is just taking Donovan back to the center.) Lynette:Hey,Veronica.Hi,Donovan!My,he's getting big.How old is he? Veronica:He just turned 5. Lynette:Oh,wow,he's such a big boy. Veronica:Yeah. Lynette:Hey,you know,breast-feeding on this schedule must be a real hassle.I remember I used to express my milk into a bottle.Made my life so much easier.
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Veronica:Is there a problem,Lynette? Lynette:The people in this office feel a little...concerned...that you're nursing a boy of Donovan's age. Veronica: Do they know breast milk boosts the immune system,it's loaded with vitamins,and in the third world,it's not unusual to nurse babies up to the age of 6? Lynette:Yeah,well,in the third world,they don't have juice boxes. Veronica:This is Donovan's decision.He will tell me when he's ready to stop nursing. Lynette:Come on,baby birds don't jump out of the nest.They need to be pushed. Veronica: Did you also know that breast milk is thought to raise I.Q. Scores? (Veronica looks into the day care room where the Scavo boys are hitting each other and yelling while every other child plays quietly.) Veronica:Yeah,maybe if you had weaned your kids a bit later,they'd be more civilized. Lynette:Ouch. Veronica:I will not be judged by you or anyone else,and if people don't like my breast-feeding,they can talk to my lawyer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Dining Room] (Susan, Dr. Ron, and Karl are having dinner.) Karl:And then she took the salad bowl--Put it on the floor and said,"if you wanna act like a pig,you can eat like a pig."you know,I never thought I'd have such a good time hanging out with my girlfriend and her husband. Susan:Yeah,well,believe me,behind all the laughs,there's still plenty of bitterness and resentment. Ron:Oh,really? Susan:Yeah. Ron:Hey,what do you say you and I clear the table and bring on dessert? Susan:No,no. I got it,I got it. Ron:No,honey,you're not gonna do anything.You're in a wheelchair for a reason,okay?Why don't you let Karl and I do the dishes? Susan:All right,but if I catch you guys in there talking about me,you're gonna be the one in a wheelchair. Ron:Oh,really? Susan:Yeah. Ron:Yeah? (Karl watches them kiss as he walks into the kitchen.) Ron:Well,I think maybe the dishes can wait for a second. Susan (whispers):Just a second? Ron (whispers):Yeah,just a second. (Karl walks into the kitchen. He puts the dishes down at the sink and looks out the window. He sees Mike pull into his driveway and walk into his house.) (Karl peeks back in the dining room to see Susan and Dr. Ron still kissing. Karl goes back to the kitchen. He takes pliers and loosens the pipe under the sink causing water to spray out. He puts the pliers down and closes the cabinets. Dr. Ron enters the kitchen. He sees water all over the floor.) Ron:What the hell? Karl:What's the matter? Ron:Jeez,ah,we got a leak. Karl:Oh.I'll sop up the water.Why don't you see go see the guy across the street?He's a plumber,in the gray house. Ron:All right.I'll be right back. Karl:His name's Delfino.
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(Susan wheels herself into the kitchen.) Susan:Where's he going? Karl:Oh,we've got a bit of a plumbing emergency. Susan:So you sent him over to Mike's? Karl:Oh,my god.I am such an idiot!I wasn't even thinking. Susan:Karl!Oh, god! Karl:There's just so much water here. Susan:What were you thinking?Oh,oh! (Susan wheels herself to the door, bumping into it. Karl looks out the window and sees Dr. Ron knocking on Mike's door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] Ron:Hi,Mr. Delfino? My name's Ron.My girlfriend is Susan Mayer.You know,from across the street? Mike:Yeah,yeah...I know her. Ron:We've got kind of a burst pipe. Mike:Okay,um...come on in while I get my tools.And you can call me Mike. (Dr. Ron freezes at the name "Mike.") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Front Porch] (Susan is rolling down the porch, banging and bumping all the way down the steps.) Susan:Oh,ah,okay.I made it. (She begins rolling the chair toward Mike's.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] Ron:So... Mike,have you,uh,have you known Susan long? Mike:A year and a half. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Susan continues wheeling herself over to Mike's.) Susan: Ah! ooh! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] Mike: Didn't she mention we dated? Ron:No,no,she didn't.She... she didn't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Susan rolling herself, rolls over the curb and the chair tips over and Susan falls out.) Susan: Oh! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] Ron:Can you excuse me,please? (Dr. Ron walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Susan rolls over holding her side. She starts climbing up onto the wheelchair when Dr. Ron approaches.) Susan:That smarts! Aah!
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Ron: Liar! Susan:I take it you met Mike. Ron:Yeah,I did. Susan: Please,please let me explain. Ron:No,just let go of me. Susan:Ohh! (Susan grabs Dr. Ron. He pushes her and she falls. Mike sees her fall. He drops his tool box and runs over to Susan's.) Ron: (to Susan)I'm sorry. Susan:Okay. Ron:Here,come on,let me help you. Mike:Hey,get away from her! (He pulls Dr. Ron off of Susan.) Mike:Are you okay? Susan:I'm fine! Mike:What the hell is the matter with you? Ron:Hey,that was an accident! Mike:That didn't look like an accident. (Karl watches through the kitchen window.) Susan:Okay,Mike,just--it's okay.Just go home. Ron:Yeah,go home,Mike. Mike:You touch her like that again,you're gonna be dealing with me. Ron:You might wanna get out of my face. Mike:Or what? Susan:Okay. (Mike walks away. Ron grabs and pushes him. Karl watches from the window, eating dessert.) Susan:Ron,what are you doing? (Mike gets up and charges Dr. Ron. Dr. Ron runs. Mike grabs him.) Susan:Oh,my god!Guys,stop it.Stop it,right now! Ron:All right,all right.I can't believeI wasted my time with you.You've just been leading me on!You're obviously still in love with this guy.All right,I'm done. Susan:No,Ron,don't go! Ron: Don't call me. (Dr. Ron gets in his car and slams the door. Karl smiles from the window, still eating dessert. Ron drives away.) Susan:Oh,Ron!Oh! Ugh!(to Mike)What the hell is wrong with you? Mike:I thought he was hurting you. Susan:Well,he wasn't!And nowmy boyfriend is gone.Thank you very much. (Susan wheels herself away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Strip Club] (Pregnant Libby is sitting at a table while giving instructions to a dancer on the stage dancing around a pole.) Libby:Okay,but the pole is your friend,okay?Push your boobs up against it. Cecile:Oh,I can't. They're new. Libby:Well,do something,Cecile.I'm losing my wood down here. (Gabrielle walks in.)
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Cecile:Wow!That's a kickin' outfit. Gabrielle:Well,thank you,sweetie.I clean up well for a wetback,don't I? Libby: Look,I'm not some sort of racist.I just want what's best for my baby girl.I mean,why should I settle for middle-class Mexicans when I know I can find rich white folks to adopt her? Gabrielle: Please. Do I look middle class to you? Libby:Well,you didn't seem all that rich in Mr Beale's office.I mean,when I brought up the idea of gifts to your husband,he acted like he couldn't even afford a Harley. Gabrielle:So is that what it's gonna take to change your mind--a gift?Fine. What do you want? Libby:I don't know. Gabrielle:You like jewelry? (She removes her diamond necklace and hands it to Libby. ) Gabrielle:Well,here. Libby:Are these real diamonds? Gabrielle:Honey,the one in the center is 3 karats. Libby:I never touched a real diamond before. Gabrielle:Well,my husband and I can expose you to a lot of nice new things. Libby:Well,only if I let you have my baby. Gabrielle:Well,like they say,there's no such thing as a free lunch. Libby:Okay. Gabrielle:Really?Just like that? Libby:Just like that.Of course,you probably shouldn't tell the lawyer about our understanding,because then we'll have to deal with percentages and all that. Gabrielle:I always hated math. (They shake hands. Gabrielle starts to walk away. She turns back toward Libby.) Libby:What's wrong? Gabrielle:You never gave a crap that we were Mexican,did you? Libby:Not really. Gabrielle:So why put me through this? Libby:Because I thought,if it looked like you weren't gonna get my baby that you might be just a bit more generous. Gabrielle:Wow. You're a lot smarter than I thought. Libby:I'm smarter than everybody thinks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher & Murphy - Lynette's House] (Lynette is drinking from a carton of milk when Donovan walks in.) Donovan:Where's my mom?I'm thirsty. Lynette:Oh,I'm sorry,honey.Your mom... is in her office on a conference call,and she's busy,so you're just gonna have to wait,okay? Donovan:What's that? Lynette:That's chocolate milk.I shouldn't be having it.Have you ever had any? Donovan:Mnh-mnh. Lynette:Follow me.Here. Go ahead,try it.Come on,you'll really like it.I promise.Come on,yeah.All the grown-ups are drinking it.Yeah,that's good.Just... chug it on down.Good.You like that? (Donovan drinks the chocolate milk and smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Department Store]
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(Bree sits at a bar located in the middle of the store.) Bartender:Would you like dessert or another glass of wine? Bree:Oh,no,thank you.I have to run. Just the check.I have a charity event this weekend,and I have to find a cocktail dress before the store closes.But everything was just yummy. (Bree gets up and sees Andrew and Justin at the counter paying for a purchase.) Andrew: Looks good on your ass. Justin:Thank you. Andrew:Yeah. (Bree approaches them.) Justin:Uh,hey,Mrs. Van de Kamp. Bree:What do you think you're doing?You're supposed to be grounded. Andrew:I'm,uh,buying a belt. Bree:With what?You don't have any money. (Andrew holds up a credit card.) Bree:You took that out of my purse. Andrew:Give that back. Bree:We are going home. Wait tillI tell the judge about you stealing my credit cards and sneaking off.It's gonna do wonders for your little emancipation case. Andrew:I don't think you're gonna let this get to the court. Bree:Oh,and why is that? Andrew:Because then I'd be forced to testify about my childhood. Bree:So? You had one of the loveliest childhoods I've ever known. Andrew:You sure about that?'Cause I'm starting to remember some abuse. Bree:Andrew,the judge is not seriously gonna believe that I beat you. Andrew:Oh,I'm not talking about that kind of abuse.You know,it's funny...the angrier I get,the more these repressed memories start to come up. Bree:You can't be serious. Andrew: Like,touching me in places you shouldn't have... Bree:No one is ever gonna believe a word of that. Andrew:Yeah,well,you know how people are.They might say that they believe you,but...they'll always wonder.So if I were you...I'd back the hell off. (Andrew grabs the credit card back.) Andrew:Come on,Justin.I'm gonna buy you something pretty.Justin! (Bree walks back to the bar.) Bree:On second thought,I will have another glass of wine.You can leave the bottle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Department Store - Nighttime] (All the lights are off. Bree wakes up on the floor of a dressing room, wearing a green cocktail dress. She comes out and sees the dark store. She is shocked. She runs to the front door, pulling on the locked gates.) (Later, Bree has changed her clothes. She goes back to the gate, pulling on it. She grabs the arm off a mannequin and tries to pry the gate open. The gate opens enough for her to step toward the door. The arm snaps and traps her inside the doorway of the gate. She tries pushing it but is not strong enough to pry it open.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Peter's Apartment - Nighttime] (The phone rings. In bed, Peter turns on a light and answers.)
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Peter:Yeah? Bree:Hi,it's Bree Van de Kamp.I didn't know who else to call,and,well,I'm in a bit of a situation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Department Store - Nighttime] (Peter arrives with a guard who unlocks the gate.) Peter:Well...how did you get stuck like that? Bree:I would rather not discuss it right now. Security Guard:Man,the other security guys are not gonna believe this. (He takes out his camera phone.) Security Guard: Do you mind? Bree:I'd prefer if you...didn't. (The secuity guard snaps a picture anyway.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Peter's Car] Peter:Your son threatened you with "repressed memories"?Oh,my god,he is seriously twisted.I gotta meet this kid. Bree:You sound like you're impressed. Peter:I sorta am.Sounds like you're definitely raising an alpha male. Bree:I'm raising a monster,is what I'm raising.It's no wonder I drink.I don't know why I said that. Peter:Maybe it's true. Bree:No,it makes it sound like I think I have a problem,and I don't. Peter: Look,I don't wanna get into a fight or anything,but you passed out in a department store,and in my way of thinking,that is a problem. Bree:Tonight was a very unusual situation.I wish you could've known me when...Rex was alive and my kids were young,and everything was...the way it was supposed to be.I think you really would've liked me... so much. Peter:I like you just fine. Bree:Really?Because I don't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Danielle:Bye. (Danielle comes home and begins calling out as she walks through the house.) Danielle:Mom?Andrew? (She goes upstairs to her room. Caleb is sitting on her bed.) Danielle:Caleb? Caleb:Hey,Danielle. Danielle:What are you doing here? Caleb:Happy birthday. (He holds out a blue brooch to her.) Danielle:You really have to go home.If my mom knew you were here,she'd freak. Caleb:Don't you want to wear it? Danielle:No,I don't.Now please leave. Caleb:I can help you with it. Danielle:No! Didn't you hear me,you freak?! Leave! (Caleb walks out and Danielle shuts her bedroom door, leaning her back against it.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Veronica's Office] (Lynette walks past Veronica's office, where she's crying.) Lynette:Hey.What's wrong? Veronica:You can tell everyone in the office to relax.He won't take my milk anymore. Lynette:Already?I mean,I'm sorry. Veronica:Yeah,I bet.I mean,I'm not naive.I just didn't think it would be so soon. Lynette:Oh,sweetie...I know that we wanna keep them young as long as we can,but kids grow up.They just do. Veronica:I know.If that's not bad enough,now I'm gonna get fat again. Lynette:Huh? Veronica:Breast-feeding was the only thing that kept the weight off.Every mealtime was like doing 30 minutes of cardio.Now I'm gonna have to join a gym! Lynette:Wow,that is...really a bummer. Veronica:It is.It really is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan is lying on the couch reading when Mike comes in.) Mike:Hey,uh,Julie let me in. Susan:I can see that.So,what,did you run out of strangers to beat up on the street,and you're going house to house now? Mike:I feel really awful about what happened. Susan:If you don't wanna be my boyfriend,fine.Don't beat up the only guy who wants to volunteer for the job. Mike:Look,I know I overreacted.But come on,the way he was yelling at you? Susan:I deserved it,believe me.After what I did...god,this is such a mess.He won't even return my phone calls. Mike:What'd you do? Susan:I said something to Dr. Ron before the operation,and it just...devastated him. Mike:What? Susan:I can't tell you. Mike:Yeah,you can.You can tell me anything.You know that. (Julie walks in.) Julie:Mom,um,phone call.It's Dr. Ron. Susan:Oh?I need to take this. Mike:You,um,you wanna talk about this later? Susan:No.No,not really. Um...what's the point? (Mike walks out.) Susan: (on the phone)Hi. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Delivery Room] (A young woman has given birth.) Mary Alice Voiceover:At that precise moment,as Dr. Hanson Mills was cutting yet another umbilical cord,other ties were being severed all over town... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Veronica's Office] (Veronica hands Donovan a milk carton.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Like the one between a child and the mother who didn't want him to grow up so
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quickly... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Kitchen] (Bree at the sink with a case of wine.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or the one between a case of fine wine and the housewife who hadn't wanted to admit that she had a problem... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Dr. Ron is on the phone.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or the one between a woman and the boyfriend who couldn't forgive her betrayal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Strip Club] (A young woman dancing around a pole. Libby is wiping off a table when a man comes up behind her and hugs her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The choice to separate from what we love is painful... (He hugs her and her pregnant belly.) Libby's Boyfriend:Hey. How's my girl today?How are both of my girls? Mary Alice Voiceover:The only thing worse... Libby:We're doing good.We're doing real good. Mary Alice Voiceover:...is when someone we've trusted makes the choice for us.
:Libby . http://www.6fc.net/music/20062122035485927.mp3 Pussycat Dolls (f/ Busta Rhymes) Title : Don't Cha Album : N/A Genre : Hip Hop Baby Ladies Fellas Are you ready? Lets dance Baby (ooooh) I know you like me (I know you like me) I know you do (I know you do) Thats why whenever I come around She's all over you (she's all over you) I know you want it (I know you want it) It's easy to see (it's easy to see) And in the back of your mind
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I know you should be fucking me (babe) [refrain:] Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't cha Don't cha Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? Don't cha Don't cha Fight the feeling (fight the feeling) Leave it alone (leave it alone) Cause if it ain't love It just aint enough to leave my happy home (my happy home) Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly) You have to play fair (you have to play fair) See I dont care But I know She ain't gonna wanna share [refrain:] Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't cha Don't cha Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? Don't cha Don't cha I know I'm on your mind I know we'd have a good time I'm your friend I'm fun And I'm fine I aint lying Look at me shine You aint blind (you aint blind) I know I'm on your mind I know wed have a good time I'm your friend I'm fun And I'm fine I aint lying Look at me shine
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You aint blind I know she loves you (I know she loves you) So I understand (I understand) I probably be just as crazy about you If you where my own man Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime) Possibly (possibly) Until then no friend possibly Is a drag for me [refrain:] Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't cha Don't cha Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? Don't cha Don't cha ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 2x18 - Everybody Says Don't -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives... Carlos:Well,if Libby here likes us as much as we like her,we should just go ahead and move to adopt her baby girl. Gabrielle:Who's the father? Libby:Honestly,I don't know. Mary Alice Voiceover:Carlos and Gaby made a deal... Susan:I did remarry my ex,but it was only because he has great health insurance. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan made amends... Ron:You know,I never thought I'd have such a good time hanging out with my girlfriend and her husband. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Mike... Mike: Didn't she mention we dated? Mary Alice Voiceover:...made a confession... Ron: Liar! You've just been leading me on!You're obviously still in love with this guy! Mary Alice Voiceover...of his own. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Kitchen] Mary Alice Voiceover:On her first day of sobriety,Bree Van de Kamp found an old cork,which reminded her just how much she craved Chablis.
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(Bree picks up a cork off her counter. She smells it deeply with her eyes closed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Bree's Living Room] (Peter and Bree are sitting watching TV eating popcorn.) Mary Alice Voiceover:So she called her sponsor,who came over with a DVD which they watched till her craving had passed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Bree's Family Room] (Peter and Bree are playing cards.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Five days later,after she developed a thirst for merlot,Peter arrived with a deck of cards. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Bree's Dining Room] (Bree and Peter are eating.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The next week,he brought over Chinese takeout because Bree ad told him she was consumed by thoughts of vintage chardonnay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Bree's Dining Room] (Bree and Peter are playing chess. Bree is staring at Peter as he contemplates the board.) Mary Alice Voiceover:By her 20th day of sobriety,Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether because her thoughts were now centered elsewhere. Bree:I'm curious,Peter.What is the easiest way to overcome addiction? Peter:Oh,some folks try shock therapy.Other use,hypnosis.But taking it one day at a time still makes the most sense to me.Why? Bree:I don't know.I guess I'm just impatient to get on with my life. (Bree leans over and kisses Peter on the cheek.) Peter:What are you doing? Bree:I was just giving you a little kiss. Peter:Why? Bree:Well,it's just my way of saying thank you for everything you've done for me over the past few weeks.What's... wrong? Peter:This is gonna seem like it's coming out of left field,but in addition to being a recovering alcoholic,I'm also a member of S.A.Sex Addicts Anonymous. (Bree laughs.) Bree:And that's a...a real thing? Peter:Yes. Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze.That's why when you turn me on like that,it's a bit of a problem. Bree:It was just a peck on the cheek. Peter:It doesn't matter.The slightest touch gets my juices flowing. Bree:So... how long has it been since you-Peter:A year.They have this rule--plant,pet,person.If I can keep a plant alive,you know,then I can move on to a pet.And if I can make that work,then I can start dating again. Bree:So how are you doing? Peter:I'm on my fourth ficus. Bree:Oh. (Bree leans over and kisses Peter on the lips.) Bree:See?I think you can handle affection better than you give yourself credit for.
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(Peter grabs Bree and begins kissing her. He rips off his T-shirt and pushes her down on the table, knocking everything off. He stops suddenly and gets off her.) Bree:What? Peter:I'm sorry.I think I should go. (He runs out.) Bree:Really?Peter! But--but...you forgot your shirt! Peter:Keep it. Mary Alice Voiceover:Though she didn't know it,Bree had answered her own question.The easiest way to overcome one addiction...is to replace it with another. (Bree, lying on the table, smells and hugs Peter's shirt.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Temptation Strip Club] Mary Alice Voiceover:Temptation-(Many men watch a pole dancer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:it's the name of a well-known establishment on the outskirts of Fairview.Its clientele is devoted.Everyone who goes there wants to get their hands on something. (A stripper is giving a man a lap dance.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And when they cross a line... (The man getting the lap dance touches the stripper's leg and Frank, the bouncer, runs up.) Frank:I warned you,pal. Mary Alice Voiceover:...they are punished... (Frank takes the man away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:As a certain married couple were about to discover. (A stripper walks up to a table where Gabrielle and Carlos are sitting with a wrapped present in front of them.) Stripper:You want a lap dance? Carlos:No,thanks. No. (The stripper walks away. Carlos watches as she walks away.) Carlos:I sure hope Libby likes this camera. Gabrielle:Well,why wouldn't she?It's exactly what she asked for,the most expensive one in the store.You know,I'm telling you,Carlos.I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass. Carlos:The woman is giving us her baby.We'll kiss whatever needs kissing. (Libby walks up.) Libby:What the hell are you guys doing here? Carlos:Uh,we brought you this gift,and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house... Libby:Thanks,but I'm working,so you gotta go. Gabrielle: Look,we spent a lot of money on that.The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression. (Frank walks up behind Libby.) Frank:Is there a problem here? Libby:No,we're just talking.It's--everything's fine. Carlos:Carlos Solis.This is my wife,Gabrielle.We're friends of Libby's. Frank:Oh,hey,I'm Frank,Libby's boyfriend. Gabrielle: Libby,you didn't tell us you had a boyfriend. Libby: Didn't I?I thought I had.
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Frank:What's that,a present for our baby? Carlos:I'm sorry,did you just say "our" baby? Frank:It's our first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Dining Room] (Susan and Julie are having lunch when Karl enters.) Karl:What's for lunch? Susan:Omelettes. You want me to make you one? Karl:No,thank you.I'll just pick at yours. Julie:I didn't know you still had a key,dad. Karl:Of course I do.I have to watch out for my two favorite ladies. Susan:Try the cheese.That's the best part. (She feeds him some of the omelette from her fork.) Julie:You mean,two of your three favorite ladies.You know,when you add in edie. Karl:Right! Of course.And speaking of Edie,I have some big news.I finally did it.I popped the question. Julie:Congratulations,dad! Susan:Yeah... congratulations.What happened to waiting six months? Karl:Edie and I aren't getting married tomorrow.It takes months to plan a classy wedding,you know? Remember ours,hmm? You had to have it outdoors? Susan:It poured.I could have murdered that weatherman. Karl:We were all crammed under this little gazebo thingy. Susan:It was hysterical.I thought the whole wedding day was ruined. Karl:I loved it!It felt spontaneous.All our friends gathered close around us?Remember?You said it was the happiest day of your life. Julie:Just like you marrying Edie will be the happiest day of her life. Karl:Yeah.Right. Susan:Her,too. Karl:Toodles. (He leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Kitchen] (Bree walks in to find Mr. Bormanis is in the refrigerator getting a soda.) Bormanis:Oh, Hi. Bree:Hello. Bormanis:Andrew said it was all right for me to get a cream soda. Bree:Uh,sure. Help yourself.There's also frosted glasses in the freezer. Bormanis:Can is fine,but thank you.I left a list for you of the witnesses we'll be deposing.It's,there on the counter. (Mr. Bormanis walks out. Bree picks up the list. Lynette Scavo is the first name.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Porch - Daytime] (Lynette is picking up toys when Bree walks up.) Bree:I know that you're still angry with me,and,I wanted to tell you that I have,joined a recovery program.A.A.I just wanted you to know that...and to tell you I'm sorry.You are...a real friend,and I value your honesty. Lynette:Oh,I don't wanna be mad anymore.and I'm so happy to hear all that,and I am so proud of you. Bree:Thanks,but I'm not really out of the woods yet.I still have this whole court case hanging over my head.
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Lynette:I heard about that.Andrew's asking to be emancipated? Bree:Yes,and his lawyer is taking depositions now to see if I am a fit parent.And considering that mishap that I had with your kids,I,uh,I imagine he'll be anxious to talk to you. Lynette:Well,it makes sense,I guess. Bree: Do you have any idea what you might say? Lynette:I,I'll focus on your good qualities. Bree:I could not ask for anything more.Thanks.See you around,I hope. Lynette:All right.That's... not why you came to apologize,is it? Bree:What do you mean? Lynette:To soften me up for the deposition. Bree:Of course not.I just want you to understand something.Andrew is making accusations--false accusations,saying that I abused him,all because I wouldn't let him have his trust fund early so he could buy a car.I mean,can you blame me for wanting to know if I have your support? Lynette:And...so... what,you want me to lie?Make you look good? Bree:I actually don't want anything of the sort. Lynette:Good.Because when I give my deposition,I'm goingto tell the truth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's Front Porch - Daytime] (Felicia is waiting on the porch when Mike opens his front door.) Mike:To what do I owe this pleasure? Felicia:I want you to look at something. (Felicia leads Mike to the curb.) Felicia:Myra Holt is talking to Paul Young,chatting away with him as though he were any other neighbor.Now I told her he killed my sister.I mentioned it to her six months ago when we were standing in the express line at the market.But still,there she is,yakking away.Oh,Mike.I'm afraid people's memories aren't what they used to be. Mike:What do you want,Felicia? Felicia:I wanna see how good your memory is,if you recall a certain promise you made to me. Mike:I am not gonna kill him. Felicia:Why not?Give me one good reason. Mike:Because things have changed. Felicia:How? My sister still lies rotting in the ground.So does Dierdre. No,I don't see how anything's changed at all. Mike:You're just gonna have to let this go. Felicia:Sounds to me as though someone's let go of his rage. Mike:Maybe I have. Felicia:Well,I haven't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mr. Beale's Office] (Gabrielle and Carlos are talking to Mr. Beale.) Carlos:And that bitch of a stripper lied to us.The father's totally in the dark.He clearly wants to keep the baby. Beale:Mr. Solis,if the father wants to assert his rights here,there's nothing we can do.I'll find you another baby.I promise. Carlos:I don't want another baby.I want this one! Gabrielle:Oh,honey,he's right,okay.That trashy girl has been lying to us from the get-go.Let's just walk away while we can. It's not worth it.
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Carlos: Look,don't get cold feet now,Gaby,please. All right?Let's just pay Frank the way we paid Libby and then bring the baby home. Beale:Wait,wait,wait...you paid Libby? Gabrielle:You said we could give her gifts.Everybody loves getting cash. Beale:I could probably be disbarred for even listening to this.I cannot condone baby-buying!And I sure as hell can't be part of it. Carlos:Oh,Mr. Beale,come on. Beale:No,no,hear me out.If you are determined to go down this dark road,and unbeknownst to me steal this...paternal rights waiver that's sitting on my desk,and have this Frank guy sign both sides and date the top,I can't be part of that,either. Carlos:Mm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Front Yard - Daytime] (Julie come out the front door with her suitcase. Susan is walking with a cane.) Julie:Okay,I-I'm gonna go to dad's. Susan:Oh,wait! Why don't you let me walk with you? Julie:Uh,shouldn't you be resting? Susan:No! I'm fine.The doctor said I should actually keep my blood flowing. Julie:Well,do you have to do it while we walk over to Edie's?I just... I don't wanna risk you running into dad. Susan:Okay... Julie:You guys have just been so chummy lately,and... this whole flirting thing is kind of freaking me out. Susan:Wait a second,we're--we're not flirting. Julie:Mom,you fed him eggs with your fork. Susan:Okay,yes,I am closer to your father than I have been in the past.The bitter hatred's now settled into a respectful disgust.That's the kind of thing most children of divorce dream about. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Front Yard] (Edie is taking many shopping bags out of her trunk as Susan and Julie approach.) Susan:Hey,Edie.What's all this stuff for? Edie:Oh,hi!Don't tell anyone,but I'm planning a huge surprise for Karl. Susan:A surprise? Edie:Yeah,I'm putting together an engagement party tomorrow afternoon. Susan:Oh,cool. But that's not the surprise. Edie:Actually,it's gonna be a surprise wedding. (Susan starts coughing.) Edie:I know!My pilates teacher got ordained over the internet.The,uh,church of the divine something or other.I'm not sure.Anyway,it's all legal.And,well,just one more day before I make an honest man out of your daddy. (Julie looks at Susan and Susan just stares at Edie.) Edie:You're so sweet.Thank you so much for your good wishes. Susan:Oh. No,Edie,wait.Um,no,it's just that...you know,I was married to Karl,and I used to...try to surprise him,and he would always,always,always say..."No,Susan. Don't surprise me.I don't like it." Edie:Whatever. I'm doing it,so keep your trap shut.Now if you'll excuse me,I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress.Oh,and by the way,I'll be wearing white,so that'll be a surprise for everybody. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office]
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(Mr. Bormanis enters.) Lynette:I don't know why I have to get dragged into this.What happened with my kids has nothing to do with Bree's situation with Andrew.Sit. Bormanis:Well,it's my understanding that real harm could have come to your children as a direct result of your friend's behavior. Lynette:I'm sorry,Mr. Bormanis,but I'm not gonna testify.It just doesn't feel right to me. Bormanis:Well,this isn't the first time someone's felt the way you do.So this isn't the first time I've had to say that if you refuse to give a deposition of your own accord,I'll compel you to give one.But I'm sure I won't have to. (Mr. Bormanis hands Lynette a photograph of Andrew with bruises on his face.) Lynette:You're saying Bree did this? Bormanis:While under the influence.I understand your reluctance to turn on a friend,but this isn't about you.It's about Andrew.Don't you think he's suffered enough? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Living Room] (Carlos is putting money into a leather bag.) Gabrielle:How much are you gonna give him? Carlos:I figured we could start with forty. Gabrielle:Thousand?He's a bouncer in a strip club.Offer him eight. Carlos:He's not going to sell his baby for $8,000. Gabrielle:Are we talking about the same idiot?I think for $8,000,he'd throw in a kidney. Carlos:I'm not gonna blow this by bargain hunting. Gabrielle:You know,that's your problem,Carlos.Remember when you bought your car? You paid sticker.Nobody pays sticker! Carlos:Okay,and what's the sticker price on a child,huh?Tell me that. Gabrielle:I'm thinking $12,000. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Temptation Strip Club] (Gabrielle, Carlos, Frank and Libby are sitting around a table.) Libby:Frank,you have to sign the paper.I made a deal with these people. Frank:A deal?This isn't a used car we're talking about. It's our baby. Libby:Before you screw this up,just remember that I can go to the cops and tell them about the pot farm you have going on in our basement. Frank:It's just a couple plants.Yeah,I don't do it for profits.Hobby,mostly. Libby:Oh,come on,Frank. You knowyou would be a lousy father. Frank:It's my kid! And I have a right to mess her up if I want.And if you go near the police,I'll tell 'em how you've been stealing all those tips from Sheila. Gabrielle:Okay,we're done. Carlos:Gaby,Gaby,no,just...hold on.Now maybe there's a way that we can work this out together. Gabrielle:There is nothing to work out.If Frank is not on board with this,it's over. Libby:Wait! Uh...it doesn't matter what he wants. Frank:Why not? Libby:Because it's not your baby. Frank:That's a lie. Libby:What if I took a paternity test?Will that shut you up? Gabrielle:Wait,if it's not Frank's,then whose is it?
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Libby:I'm not sure.All's I know is,I got pregnant right afterI worked at the Calgary rodeo,and I was very popular there. Frank:So what are you saying,you screwed a bunch of cowboys? Frank:You have your hobbies..and I have mine. (Carlos chuckles.) Gabrielle:You think this is funny? Carlos:Oh,don't you get it?We just got our baby back. (Gabrielle goes back to the table and grabs the bag with the money.) Gabrielle:Well,you take care now. Carlos: Yeah. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alcoholics Anoymous Meeting Hall] Bree:I got,uh,your message that you wanted to see me before the meeting started. Peter:Yeah,I did. Um,there's someone I'd like to introduce you to.Bree,this is Donna.Donna,this is Bree. Donna:What's up? Bree: Hi. Peter: Donna is gonna be your new sponsor. Bree:I,um,I don't want a new sponsor.I'm... I'm very comfortable working with you. Peter: Look,this was always just a temporary arrangement.And given what happened the other night,I think it's best if we just end this now. Bree: Peter,all we did was kiss. Peter:We'd be kidding ourselves if we didn't think that whatever's between us isn't going to affect our recovery. Bree:It's not a good time for change in my life,Peter.Terrible things are happening.I'm headed to court.I need your support now more than ever. Peter:You'll have support,Bree.It just won't be mine. Bree:But,Peter... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] (The photo of Andrew's bruised face is on her desk.) Gabrielle:Oh,Bree could never have done that! Lynette:I'm just telling you what the lawyer said. Gabrielle:So you think Bree punched Andrew in the face?'Cause I don't. Lynette:I don't either,but on the other hand,she spanked my kids,she lied about her drinking and I once saw her bitch slap her mother-in-law.So I'm torn. Gabrielle:Well,I'm siding with Bree. Lynette:How can you be so sure?We have Andrew saying that it's systematic physical abuse.And then we have Bree saying it's Andrew wanting to be emancipated so he can get at his trust fund so he can buy a car.How are we supposed to know the real truth? Gabrielle:Because I remember being 17.And I would've done a hell of a lot more than punch myself in the eye to get a car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Karl drives up and Susan flags him down.) Susan:Karl!Karl,stop! Stop!Oh! It's an emergency. Karl:Just calm down.What's going on?
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Susan:Edie is gonna marry you tomorrow. Karl:What? Susan:She's planned this whole secret wedding.It's a surprise. Karl:God,I hate surprises! Susan:I know. I told her that.I said,"He always,always hates surprises." Karl:All right,don't get yourself all worked up here. (Karl leads Susan to her house. Julie sees this through Edie's window, shaking her head.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Living Room] Donna:So the thing you gotta know about me is my style is proactive.I don't hold your hand if you go on a bender.I believe in behavior modification. Bree:Hmm. Some muffins? Donna:Oh. Oh,that's okay.I-I'm not big on snacks.You should also know...I'm not a lesbian. Bree:Oh!Well,good for you. Donna:Well,see,if I was,the program wouldn't let me be your sponsor.Not great for your recovery if we get tangled up in a little somethin'.So,um,whatever vibe you might be getting,that's all on you. Bree:Um,Donna...I-I really appreciate everything that you've been doing for me,but I think I was really making some progress with Peter as my sponsor.And I was thinking-Donna:All right,stop right there!You're fixating on Peter. Bree:Well,I just really feel likeI'm jeopardizing my recovery by switching-Donna:You're making excuses.See,I have a 99% success rate as a sponsor because I have 0% tolerance for people who lie to themselves.Now come on. Bree:Come on?Where are we going? Donna:Hiking.There's nothing like it to take your mind off booze. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Front Porch] Karl:I got it!I'll just be the woman.I'll say I want a big wedding.You know,the church,the big ballroom,smushing cake in her face--it'll take months to plan. Susan:That's great. Karl:And of course,I'll have to tell her you're the one who ruined the surprise. Susan:You're gonna make me take the hit? Karl:Yeah. (Edie comes out the front door.) Edie:Hey,guys.What you doing out here? Susan:Uh,just talking. Edie:Oh,well,come on in.I've got something to show you. Susan:Oh,no,that's okay. Edie:Come on!You'll love this. (Edie goes back inside and Karl and Susan follow a few steps behind.) Susan:Wait until I leave to tell her,'cause she's gonna kill me. (They walk into Edie's living room. Dr. Ron is sitting there.) Susan:Well,I should go. (She turns to leave and Karl stops her.) Edie:I'm not gonna scream or cry or pound your faces in with a mallet,which,lord knows,is my right.But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met!(to Dr. Ron)Do you have anythingto add?
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(Dr. Ron picks up a vase, empties it and hands the vase to Edie.) Edie:Right.What the hell. (Edie throws the vase and Karl and Susan duck. The vase crashes against the stairs. Karl grabs Susan's arm and pulls her out of the house.) Susan:Oh! Get out! Get--------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Andrew is shooting baskets in his driveway. Lynette drives up in a brand new SUV. Andrew goes over to Lynette's driveway.) Andrew:Hey,Mrs. Scavo.That's a...that's a sweet ride. Lynette:Yeah,you think so?Why don't you come over here for a second?I'd like to pick your brain.You're the demographic that my client is interested in,so you'd actually be doing me a favor if you drove it around for a couple hours,and tell me what you thought.Do you mind? Andrew:Are you kidding me? Lynette:I can't believe you are old enough to drive.I still remember when you were 10 years old.I paid you a dollar to rake our leaves. Andrew:Yeah.Yeah,you were pretty cheap.Is this set up for mp3? Lynette:Uh,all the bells and whistles,but listen...I really wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Andrew:Hmm? Lynette:Your lawyer came to see me.I'm going to be deposed.It's going to be hard for me... (She gestures at the Van de Kamp house.) Andrew:Yeah. Yeah,I know.You just have to remember she's a different person when she drinks. Lynette:She must be.It's hard for me to imagine the Bree I know capable of hurting you. Andrew:Yeah.Do you have the keys? Lynette:Oh. Sure.Anyway,I just...I feel so guilty that this all went on in your house,right under our nose.So if there is anything I can do to help you... Andrew:Well,can you get a discount on these? Lynette:Um...actually,yeah.One of the perks.Even so,it's a little out of the price range of a high school student. Andrew:Well,if you tell my lawyer the truth,I don't think money's gonna be a problem. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Edie and Karl are at the front door.) Susan:Hi. What's going on? (Edie walks in, past Susan, without saying a word.) Karl:Edie wants to discuss our little...deception. Susan:Exactly how ugly is this gonna get? Edie: (from the other room) How long does it take to shut a door? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Living Room] Susan and Karl sit next to each other on the couch while Edie paces in front of them. Edie:I can forgive your trickery.I can forgive the humiliation.But what I can't forgive is the complete and utter lack of faith in me!I mean,having Susan get married for insurance was my idea!Okay,so if I'd known that everything had gotten all screwed up,of course I would've agreed. Karl: Look,Edie,in retrospect...yes,we didn't think.We didn't handle this the way mature adults should have. Susan:He's right.We behaved like children--naughty,stupid children. Edie:Well,that makes me feel better that you could admit that.Because...when naughty children
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misbehave,they know that they're gonna get punished.Don't they? Karl: Punished? Susan:At this point,I'd like to point out that,uh,it was Karl who proposed. Edie:Karl.You are gonna throw me an elaborate wedding. Karl:Yes,of course.Anything,baby.How elaborate? Edie:Well,figure out exactly what it is that you could afford,and triple it.(to Susan)As for you-Susan:Okay,now remember,I'm broke. Edie:I'm well aware of your church mouse status.I don't intend to lift a finger during the planning and execution of this crushingly expensive wedding. Susan:No. No,of course not.And anything I can do to help...uh,you know,I would--I could help with the engagement party.How's that? Edie:Well,I wasn't planning on inviting you.But...I will need a bartender.Oh,oh,and,um...make sure you come int hrough the back door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Conference Room] (Mr. Bormanis, Andrew, Lynette, and a stenographer are sitting when Bree walks in.) Bormanis:You're just in time.Mrs. Scavo has been sworn in,so we're all ready to start. Lynette:Hey. Bormanis:All right,we are now on the record. Lynette:Okay. Bormanis:Isn't it true that while your children were in Bree's care,that she passed out drunk and allowed them to wander off to a downtown business district? Lynette:My kids don't wander.They scurry,like rats. Bormanis:Excuse me? Lynette: Do you know a rat can fit through a hole the size of a quarter?Anyway,my children have that trick down,too. Bormanis:Mrs. Scavo,are you saying that you don't hold Mrs.Van de Kamp responsible for endangering your children? Lynette:No,I don't hold her responsible.Bree van de Kamp and I have known each other a long time.I trust her completely.She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic mother.She puts the rest of us to shame. Andrew:She's lying!Are you gonna let her get away with this crap? Bormanis: Please.Do you consider Mrs. Van de Kampto have a drinking problem? Lynette:No. Bormanis:Then why did you line empty wine bottles up on her front stoop? Lynette:I was helping Bree with her recycling. Bormanis: Do I need to remind you of the potential consequences of perjury? Lynette:No,you don't.In fact,I hate liars. (She looks at Andrew.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Peter's House - Daytime] (Peter is getting out of his car when his cell phone rings.) Peter:Hello? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Kitchen] Bree: Peter. Hi,it's Bree. Peter:Hey,Bree.You know,um,if you feel like you're gonna need a drink,you should call Donna.
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Bree:No! No,I-I don't feel like I'm gonna drink.And if I did,I certainly would call Donna.I mean,she and I are just...we're just really clicking. Peter:Oh,that's good.So why are you calling? Bree:I know it's really late notice,but a friend of mine,uh,got engagedand she's throwing a party,and I thought,um,maybe you'd like to come. Peter:Bree... Bree:Well,you're not my sponsor anymore,so I assume this is allowable.I mean,it's just a casual get-together. And they're having sushi.You do like sushi,don't you? Peter:Bree... Bree:Okay,Peter,I just really...need us to be friends.When I'm with you,I'm not myself,which is a good thing. I can...I can relax when I'm with you in a way that I can't when I'm with other people.With them,I have to pretend that I have it all together,but...you know that I don't,so it's just so much easier.Come on,it's just a... it's just a dumb old party. Peter:Bree...do not call me again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Paul walks in with a gift.) Edie: Paul!I am so glad you made it. Paul:I appreciatethe invitation,Edie.Although,frankly,I'm a little surprised to get it considering how people in this neighborhood feel about me. Edie:Oh. You know me.I like to be inclusive.Ooh! It's heavy. (Susan walks by carrying a tray for discarded drinks. Edie puts her drink on the tray.) Edie:Uh,unh-unh.This is flat.I think I'd like,um...a Rusty Nail. Susan:A what now? Edie:It's a cocktail,well,I'm not really sure what's in it.But it sounds obscure and complicated,so chop-chop. (Carlos, Lynette, and Gabrielle are having a drinks.) Carlos (on his cell phone): Be right there.Hey,hey. Put that down.We gotta go.Our birth mother just went into labor. Gabrielle:What? Lynette:That's fantastic! Carlos:Yeah,can you believe it?We're gonna be parents.I'll go get the car.Come on. (Carlos leaves.) Gabrielle:We were supposed to have four weeks.She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks. We don't have anything!We don't--we don't have diapers,and we don't have the stuff babies drink. Lynette:Formula. Gabrielle:Exactly. We're not ready!You know,this is a total inconvenience. Lynette:Welcome to parenthood.Come on. (Susan, behind a bar, hands Julie a book.) Susan:This is your father's bartender bible.See if you can find a recipe for a Rusty Nail. Julie:Okay.Um,mom? (Julie hands Susan an old picture of her and Karl that she pulled out of the book.) Susan:Where'd you find that? Julie:It was stuck in here between a Pink Squirrel and a Pisco Sour. Susan:Oh.Well,why is your father keeping this? Julie:Why do you think? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Edie's Bedroom] (Karl is packing. Susan walks in and closes the door.) Karl:Hey,Susie. Susan:Karl,this marriage--our marriage,this fake marriage,that's what it is,right?Fake. Karl:What are you talking about? (Susan holds up the picture.) Susan:What's this? Karl:Nothing. Susan:Yeah?Okay,then,repeat after me."Our marriage is fake,"and I'm going to marry the woman I really love--Edie Britt." Karl:If that's what you want me to say. Susan:No,no,no,no! It's not about what I want you to say.You have to want to say that you want to marry Edie. Karl: Don't worry about this,Susie. (Karl takes the picture and puts it into his pocket.) Susan:Why are you hanging on to that? Karl:I need to look at it from time to time. Susan:Why? Karl:Consider it my punishment.For screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me. Susan:Oh. Oh,no,no,no.This is not happening. (Karl grabs Susan and kisses her. They fall on the bed.) Susan:Oh,Karl!Oh! Will you--are you crazy?! Karl:Just tell me what to do,Susie.If you want me to marry Edie,I will.You want me to call off the wedding,I'll do it.I'll do whatever you want.I'm putty. Susan:Karl! (Karl, upon hearing Edie calling him, flips Susan over the bed onto the floor, out of sight.) Susan:Whoa! Edie:What are you doing? Karl:I'm,just,uh,putting away some coats. Edie:Oh.Well,it's time to open my presents.Let's go. (Susan peeks her head out from behind the bed and sighs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bar] (Bree walks in and up to the bartender.) Bree:Oh,hello. Bartender:Hi. Bree:Hi. Um,I need some advice from a professional.I'd like to get stinking drunk.Do you have anything that can accomplish that in a hurry? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Gabrielle and Carlos are running down the hallway in scrubs.) Gabrielle:I forgot the lamaze book in my purse! Carlos:Oh,forget it. Come on.Let's go. We'll wing it. (They enter the delivery room. Libby is sitting up, and a nurse is holding a baby.) Gabrielle:Oh,we missed it! Libby:The kid just slipped right out. Nurse:Are you family?
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Libby:They're the parents. (Carlos and Gabrielle smile.) (Later, the nurse and Carlos are wrapping the baby in a pink blanket.) Nurse:Would you like to help? Gabrielle:No,thanks.You guys look like you got it covered. Nurse:Oh,are you sure,honey? Carlos:Come on,Gaby.I just,um...I-I don't wanna do anything to screw it up. Nurse:She won't break.Here. Gabrielle:Okay.Hi.Hi.Oh,honey,you were right. Carlos:About what? Gabrielle:It was all worth it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Living Room] (Edie is opening her gifts.) Edie:Serving bowls.Just what I needed,Lynette. Lynette:There's a gift receipt taped to the bottom of the box. Edie:Oh. thank god!Okay,the next one is from Felicia. Felicia:I do hope you like it. Edie:Oh,you know what they say--good things come in small packages. Lynette:What is it? (Edie opens a small box and pulls out dentures.) Lynette:Teeth? Felicia: Dentures.They were my dear sister Martha's.I'm sure none of you knew,but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child. Edie:Oh.Thank you. Felicia:I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party,but you and Martha were such close friends,Edie.I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by,since she left us so...abruptly.You know,when Paul Young strangled her,crushed her windpipe and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail. Edie:Felicia,uh...I think you've had enough. Felicia:I do apologize if I've offended anyone,but...while you all are chitchatting and eating these gummy hors d'oeuvres,just remember...you're in the company of a murderer. (Paul Young puts down his drink and walks out of Edie's house. Felicia smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bar] (Peter walks in, looking around. He sees Bree, passed out in a booth.) Peter:Bree?Bree?Why didn't you call Donna? Bree:I don't need Donna.I need you. (Peter picks Bree up and carries her out.) Peter:You know,I don't even like redheads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Gabrielle is holding the baby.) Carlos:Okay,it's my turn. Gabrielle:Shh. In a minute.
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Carlos:Come on,you're hogging her. (Frank walks into the delivery room.) Frank:Tell me!You tell me who it is,Libby. Libby:Are you drunk? Frank:Who is he,Libby? Hmm?I got to know. Libby:I already told you,he's just some rodeo guy.I don't even remember his name. Frank: Liar! (Frank pours the liquor he is drinking on his arm and holds up a lighter.) Libby:What are you doing? Frank:I am gonna light myself on fire. Gabrielle:He's gonna light himself on fire with coffee liqueur? Carlos:Would not have been my choice. Frank:Tell me his name,or I'm gonna do it! Libby:Frank,you're being an idiot. Frank:Aah! Aah! Libby:It was Dale,okay?It was Dale. Frank:My brother Dale?He's a kid! Libby:Well,he's 19,Frank.He knows which end is up. Gabrielle:Wait,what is she saying? Carlos:There's a father. (Security guards run and try to grab Frank who tries to run away.) Guard:Hey! Hey! (The guard and an guy in scrubs grab Frank. Gabrielle starts to walk out holding the baby.) Frank: Leave me alone! Gabrielle:No.I'm not giving up the baby. Security: Let's get him out of here. Frank:No! No! (Carlos chases Gabrielle.) Carlos:What the hell are you doing? Gabrielle:Taking our baby home. Carlos:She's not ours.The papers aren't valid anymore.She has a father. Gabrielle: Do you really wanna leave this beautiful little girl with that white trash freak show?!Huh?Well,come on,then. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the Hospital - Nighttime] (Carlos and Gabrielle run out holding the baby and two police officers run by them.) Officer #1:Where? Officer #2:Maternity. Maternity. Officer #1:All right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's Car] (Carlos rips open a box with a car seat.) Gabrielle:Hurry up! Carlos:I'm hurrying.Man,there's a lot of straps on this thing!How does this thing go in? Gabrielle:Read the instructions! Carlos:"Pass strap 'a'through strap 'b,'making sure that the harness clip is at the chest level."Well,which
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damn one is the harness clip? Gabrielle:That is after the baby is in.You have to connect it to the car first!I told you we should've got an S.U.V.! Carlos:Okay,stop yelling!This is very complicated. Gabrielle:Oh,for god's sakes.Just take the baby. (Gabrielle snaps the seat belts, locking in the car seat.) Carlos:Wow. Gabrielle:Here.We're good to go.Give me the baby. Carlos:You know this isn't gonna end well.You know,they're just gonna try and take her back. Gabrielle:Maybe.But we don't have to make it easy for them. Carlos:Gaby,I-Gabrielle: Look,just buckle up! (They drive away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:Temptation comes to all of us.Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's Living Room] (Susan is sitting in front of the lit fireplace. She touches her lips.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame,flickering back to life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Dining Room] (Peter is feeding Bree coffee.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Or a new friend who could end up being so much more. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is holding the baby, looking at it lovingly, as Carlos looks out the window.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Or a young child who awakens feelings we didn't know we had.And so we give in to temptation,all the while knowing come morning,we'll have to suffer the consequences. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2x19 - Don't Look At Me -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate housewives... Felicia:Sounds to me as if someone's let go of his rage. Mike:Maybe I have. Felicia:Well,I haven't. Mary Alice Voiceover:Felicia took matters into her own hands. Karl:You want me to call off the wedding,I'll do it.I'll do whatever you want. Mary Alice Voiceover:Karl put the ball in Susan's court... Bormanis:With your D.U.I. Charge,it could get ugly.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:While Andrew tried to take Bree to court... Carlos:There's a father. Frank:He's a kid! Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle and Carlos took the baby... Carlos:The papers aren't valid anymore. Gabrielle: Do you really wanna leave this beautiful little girl with that white trash freak show? Mary Alice Voiceover:...and ran with it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Classroom - Daytime] (Louisa is standing in her classroom, ruler in hand, hitting the palm of her other hand.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame.As a teacher,she had found that the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame...in their parents. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback] (Louisa is speaking to a parent.) Louisa:I left Trisha alone with the school hamster for only five minutes. (Louisa takes out a shoe box.) Louisa:In this box is all that's left of patches. (Louisa slides the box over to Tricia's father.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback] (Louisa is speaking to another parent.) Louisa:For Show and Tell,Timmy decided to bring in something from your husband's collection of Nazi memorabilia. (Louisa slides a Nazi armband over the desk to Timmy's mom.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback] (Louisa is speaking to two parents.) Louisa:Billy's been threatening to beat up the other kids for their milk money.We found the proceeds in his cubby. (Louisa slides two stacks of bills over the desk to Billy's mother and father.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day] (Louisa sits at her desk in front of Lynette.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Of course,Mrs. Pate also knew when it came to unruly children,some parents had more reason to be ashamed...than others. Lynette:So,um...your message said that Parker had been involved in some sort of serious incident.What--what kind of incident? Louisa:Yesterday afternoon,Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina. Lynette:What kind of cookie? Louisa:What does that matter? Lynette:Oh,it doesn't.I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified. Louisa:The kids were in a broom closet.Our janitor walked in on them just as Cindy was lifting up her pinafore. Lynette:Oh,my goodness. Louisa:I'm sure you've noticed how obsessive Parker can be.A certain subject will catch his interest,and that's
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all he'll talk about for weeks and weeks. Lynette:Oh,right.That happened with dinosaurs. Louisa:Oh,yes,we all rememberhis dinosaur phase.More fondly now than ever. Lynette:So you think that now he's obsessed with... Louisa:What's underneath the pinafore. Yes.Look,I think he's just developed a normal curiosity about the human body.You need to talk to him.Remind him what's appropriate and what isn't. Lynette:Of course.I will talk to him.I'll talk to him till I'm blue in the face.I promise.Take care. (Lynette gets up to leave. Louisa also stands.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes,Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame.She always believed,when someone has that power... (Cut to Louisa sitting at her desk talking to Mrs. Peeples.) Louisa:So,Mrs. Peeples,you'll never guess what your daughter is willing to do for a gingersnap. Mary Alice Voiceover:It's a shame not to use it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Courthouse Hallway] (Andrew is sitting on a bench outside the courtroom staring at his mother.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It had been six weeks since Andrew Van de Kamp had declared war on his mother Bree.The final battle was about to be waged at the Fairview County Courthouse.Bree knew it was about to get bloody. (Bree holds out her hand. Peter, standing next to her, takes it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:What she didn't know was... (Red high heels are coming down the hallway towards Bree.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...the calvary was on its way... Eleanor:Bree? Mary Alice Voiceover:...whether she wanted them there or not. Bree:Eleanor! Eleanor:Oh,thank god I found you.This place is a maze. Bree:What are you doing here? Eleanor:Well,your father and I got a call last night from Danielle,and she said that Andrew was taking you to court.I mean,to say that we were shocked would be an understatement. (She sees Peter and holds out her hand.) Eleanor:Hello,I'm Eleanor Mason,Bree's stepmother.You're the lawyer? We should talk. Peter:Uh,no,I'm not her lawyer. Eleanor:Good. The hair had me worried. Andrew: Peter is mom's sponsor from A.A. Eleanor:Oh,sweetie!Since when are you in A.A.? Bree:It's a recent development. Where's dad? Eleanor:In chambers with the judge. Bree:What?! Why? (Bree's father, Henry, come out of the Judge's chambers.) Henry:Everything is fine.The judge agreed to a postponement. Eleanor:Oh,thank god! Henry: Luckily,he remembered me.I spoke once at his law school. (Karl walks up.)
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Karl: Pardon me,sir,I'm your daughter's lawyer.Just so you know,we've been waiting for this hearing for weeks. Henry:Son,I've been an attorney for 45 years.You and I both know how these cases can turn into public spectacles.Our family is perfectly capable of handling this- ...in house. Bree: Dad,you don't understand.This has gotten really ugly. Henry:That's why we're here.We're gonna put this family back together. Eleanor:Whatever it takes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Courtroom 103] (Mr. Beale is facing the Judge. Gabrielle, holding the baby and Carlos are sitting behind Mr. Beale's table.) Beale:And that's when Mr. And Mrs. Solis,fearing for the welfare of this helpless child,fled the hospital. Judge Grimshaw:You mean,they kidnapped her. Beale:Well,technically,that's true,but given the situation that led up to the rescue... Judge Grimshaw:Kidnapping. Beale:Your honor,yes,in retrospect,the plan was a little bit rash,not entirely well thought out. Judge Grimshaw:Idiotic. Gabrielle (whispering to Carlos):Can we object to that? Carlos:Shh! Beale:But the child is safe,your honor.And all we ask the court is to allow baby Lily a lifetime of the care and love she has been receiving from the Solises. Judge Grimshaw:As much as your story tugs at my heart,there is the issue of parental rights.What does the state have to say about this? State Attorney:We have located the biological father-- Mr. Dale Helm.Unfortunately,uh,circumstances require that he be out of town.He's in Fort Lauderdale today. Judge Grimshaw:On business? State Attorney:Spring break,actually.Mr. Helm is a high school student. Judge Grimshaw:Charming.In between keg stands,did the father happen to mention if he plans to waive parental rights? State Attorney:I've left a number of voice mails,but the only response I've gotten is a text message that says (she reads from her cell phone) this "blows his mind" and he's extremely "bummed out." Judge Grimshaw:All right...Mr. And Mrs. Solis,since you actually want Lily,it seems you're the lesser of two evils.I'm granting you temporary custody until we can get a straight answer from the birth father. Carlos:Thank you,uh,your honor. Judge Grimshaw:In the meantime,try not to steal any more babies. Gabrielle:Oh,we just needed the one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Parker is sitting at the coffee table, coloring.) Lynette:Sweetie?Um,could you put the Crayons down for a second?We need to talk.So I spoke to your teacher today,and she told me about the...cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou. Parker:Oh. Are you mad? Lynette:No,not exactly.I'm just...I'm trying to understand why you...did that. Parker:Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there.It doesn't sound right to me. Lynette:Well...actually,he's kinda right. He's got the concept down. Parker:That's weird.How's a baby get in there? Lynette: Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days.Why don't you wait for him?
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Parker:Okay. Lynette:Okay. Parker:Or I can ask Tommy's brother.He's 14,and he knows everything. (Later, Lynette draws pictures for Parker.) Lynette:And then the mommy and the daddy,because they love each other so much,they hug.Real tight. And,uh,a seed is magically implanted.And nine months later...a baby is born. Here. Parker:What kind of seed? Lynette:Oh,that's not important. Parker:I don't believe you. Lynette: Parker,I'm your mother.Mothers don't lie to their sons.Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas. (Parker rushes away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Susan is knocking hard. Karl, in a towel, opens the door.) Susan:I just saw Edie drive off.How long is she gonna be gone? Karl:I don't know.She just went to show a house. Susan:Move. (Susan pushes her way inside.) Karl:What's the problem? Susan:You mauled me in Edie's bed last night.I think that deserves a conversation. Karl:Well,what's there to talk about? I'm just a fool in love. Susan:Oh,no!You don't mean that. Karl:Yes,I do.Look,I realize my timing's a little off. Susan:A little?Ugh...the helium hasn't even gone out of the balloons from your engagement party. Okay...when are you gonna tell Edie? Karl:Tell her what? Susan:That the wedding's off. Karl:Is it? Susan:Well,isn't it? Karl:It's up to you. Susan:Are... are you saying...that you're gonna go through with this wedding...unless I tell you not to? Karl:Just give me a commitment,Susie Q.,And I'll put a bullet in Edie. Susan:This is insane! Karl:Come on.All this can be yours again.Just say the word... (He begins to loosen the towel from around his waist.) Karl:And I let go. Susan:Oh,no!No,don't you dare! Karl:You know you want me to.Just say it,Susie Q. Susan:You're...sick! (Susan leaves as Karl chuckles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House] (Paul comes out the front door.) Paul:Zach,I'm going to the drugstore.I'll be back in 20 minutes. (Paul walks out, slips on the porch, and falls on his back. )
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Paul:Whoa! Oh! (He sits up slowly, holding his head. He looks down and finds his hand is in some slippery substance.) (Felicia, from next door, yells across the lawn to Paul while holding a bowl with cookie dough.) Felicia: Paul?I was making cookies,and I heard the most sickening thud.Are you okay? Paul:There's...shortening on my doorstep. Felicia:Shortening?That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch.It's meant for baking. (She walks away, smiling.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Susan, Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle are standing over baby Lily's bassinet in the living room. Carlos is sitting at the table eating lunch.) Bree:She's so adorable and I just love the name Lily Gabrielle:It was my grandmother's name. Susan:So how you holding up?You must be exhausted. Gabrielle:You know,I'm a little tired, but it's not too bad. Lynette:Oh,wait a couple months. She'll start sleeping through the night. Gabrielle:Oh,honey,please.Do I look like a masochist?First thing tomorrow,I'm hiring a nanny and a night nurse. Carlos:No,we're not. Gabrielle:My husband,the comedian. Carlos:I'm serious. I don't want some stranger raising our baby. Susan:Well,you guys are busy.We should go. Gabrielle:No,it's okay.I'll win this battle later. Carlos:We are not gonna be some yuppie couple pawning off our kid on other people.End of discussion. Gabrielle:Yeah,you should go. Bree:Yeah.Okay,bye. Lynette:Good luck. (The ladies leave.) Gabrielle: Put down the burrito.What is all this crap about me not getting help? Carlos: Look,a brand-new baby needs to bond with its mother.The church knows it,science knows it,nature knows it. Gabrielle:We have the money. What is wrong with getting a little help?Then I'll be able to relax once in a while,and I'll be able to be a better mother. Carlos:You wanna be a better mother?Do what my mama did--make sacrifices.My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me. Gabrielle:And that's what put her in an early grave!Well,that and the hit-and-run thing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree, Henry, Eleanor, and Andrew are sitting around the dining room table.) Henry (to Andrew): Look,I don't know why you want to be emancipated,(to Bree) and I don't know what you've been doing to drive him crazy.Bottom line--it's over.It's now time for you twoto kiss and make up. Andrew:And just howare we supposed to do that? Henry:Here's a thought...just look each other in the eye and say,"I forgive you." Bree:That's your solution? Henry:It's actually a technique invented by this Dutch therapist.I saw him on TV.He says,if you verbalize forgiveness,the brain can trick the heart into letting go of resentment.
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Eleanor:It really works. I did it with our cleaning lady. Bree:Um,I'm sorry,dad,but I think my relationship with Andrew is just a bit more complicated than-Henry:Would it kill you to at least try? Andrew:I'll do it...for you,grandpa. Henry:That's my boy. Bree? Bree:Fine!Yes,um...so,um,who goes first? Henry:Either or.Doesn't matter. Andrew:Mom,I forgive you. Bree:Andrew,I forgive you. Henry:That wasn't so hard,was it?Now don't expect to feel differently right away.It takes a while. Eleanor:It took me a week to forgive Esperanza. Henry:But now she's like family again. Eleanor:Family who stole from us. Henry:So let's get back to the way we were,and forget all this nonsense about emancipation. Andrew:Um...well,grandpa,I'm--I'm still gonna need my trust fund.You see,I-I can't live in a place where I...I don't feel safe. Henry:What are you talking about? Andrew:Well,could you live with a woman who hits you? Eleanor:Bree! Bree:I slapped him once,and he deserved it. Andrew:Well,I just asked her to stop drinking. Henry:You were drinking? Eleanor:She's in A.A.Her sponsor has long hair. Bree:Andrew,I find your concern ironic,given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car. Eleanor:Is she okay? Bree:She's dead! Andrew:Well...mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide.And he was the same guy who killed dad! Bree:Andrew falsely accused me of molestation...in a mall! (Henry and Eleanor look stunned.) Henry:You know,the technique works best if you don't talk right away. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan comes down the stairs into the kitchen, where Julie is reading the card from a vase of roses on the table.) Susan:Okay,let's go. I don't wanna be late for the movie.Oh,those are pretty.Who sent those? (Julie looks disgusted.) Susan:What? Julie (reading the card):"Say the word and I'm yours.Love,Karl."Mom,I knew this would happen when you started hanging around together,all of your old feelings resurfacing. Susan:No,his feelings.He's the one with the feelings,not me. Julie :Uh-huh. Susan:Okay,don't "uh-huh" me. You're not old enough to do that. Julie :Oh,no?Well,how do you like this--I'm not gonna go to the movies with you. Susan:You're gonna make me go by myself? Julie :Well,you could always ask dad to go.In fact,if you love him so much, why don't you marry him?
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Oh,wait,you already did. Twice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Movie Theater] (Susan is sitting by herself eating popcorn. She turns to her side to turn off her cell phone and sees Mike come in with a pretty lady. She ducks as Mike and the lady come down the aisle. They sit down a few rows in front of Susan.) Young Lady:Oh,you know what? I think we're gonna need some napkins with this. Mike:Oh,okay,I'll go back. Young Lady:Thanks. (As Mike gets up, Susan scoots over a few seats next to a nice looking man sitting alone.) Susan:My ex-boyfriend's here.If he sees me alone,I'll die.I'm begging you,please,act like you know me. Mike:Susan? Hey! Susan:Mike,hi! what a surprise. Mike:How are ya? Susan:Good.Oh!God,I--I'm being so rude.Um,Mike,I-I want you to meet... Orson:Orson Hodge.Nice to meet you,Mike.Wow,I can't believe I'm finally seeing the man himself, in the flesh. Mike:So... how'd you two meet? Orson:Oh,god,I've been her dentist for years.But last week,I was looking in her mouth and decidedto stick my tongue in it. (Susan laughs.) Mike:I'll see ya,Susan. (Mike walks away.) Susan:Thank you so much for helping me out. Orson:Hey,I'm great in a crisis. Susan:Well,I definitely pickedthe right person to sit next to.Actually,is this seat taken? Orson:No. Susan:Okay,you can share my popcorn. (A young lady with popcorn sits down next to Orson.) Orson:Um,Susan...this is Becky.I'll probably be sharing her popcorn. Susan:I'll just wait till the lights go out, and then I'll... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Paul's House - Daytime] (Paul is squirting starter fluid into the barbeque.) Paul:While I get this going,can you bring out the buns? Zach:Uh,yeah. (Paul lights the grill. A large flame shoots out almost hitting him.) Paul:What the hell? Zach:You all right? (Paul smells the can.) Paul:This isn't lighter fluid.It's gasoline. Zach:What?How'd that get in there? Paul:How do you think? (They look next door where Felicia is raking her leaves.) Felicia:Something smells good over there. Zach:Well,I don't understand.Is she trying to kill you?
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Paul:No,she's trying to piss me off. Zach:Why? Paul:I'm not sure yet,but I do knowI'm not gonna play along.(To Felicia)We got plenty of burgers if you want to pop over.And bring your appetite. (Felicia smiles, then continues raking.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Nighttime] (Carlos and Gabrielle are sleeping. The baby begins crying.) Carlos:Gaby,the baby. Gabrielle:No,I got up twice already.It's your turn. Carlos:Gaby,I have several job interviews tomorrow. I need my sleep. Gabrielle:What about my sleep? Carlos:You sleep when the baby sleeps. Gabrielle:Every 40 minutes? When am I supposed to have a life? Carlos:What are you whining about?You know,Xiao-mei does all the housework around here.All you have to do is take care of the baby. Gabrielle:Fine,fine,fine! (Gabrielle goes into Xiao-Mei's room, carrying the crying baby, and wakes up Xiao-Mei.) Gabrielle: Psst,Xiao-mei.Psst,wake up. Xiao-mei:Mrs. Solis?Something wrong? Gabrielle:The baby won't stop crying, and I haven't slept for two days.Will you please take Lily for a while? Xiao-mei:Oh. Gabrielle:Oh,come on. I won't make you do windows tomorrow. (Xiao-Mei gets out of bed.) Xiao-mei:Okay. What do I do? Gabrielle:Well,she's a baby.You hold her.You bounce her and, I don't know,maybe sing a little something. (Gabrielle lies down on Xiao-Mei's bed.) Gabrielle:Ahh.Oh,and Xiao-mei,Mr. Solis does not need to know about this,okay? Xiao-mei:Okay. Gabrielle:Okay. (Xiao-Mei begins singing to Lily.) Xiao-Mei: (sings),,... Gabrielle:Yeah,honey,can you take that downstairs?Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree comes downstairs to the living room to find Eleanor combing out her wig.) Bree:Eleanor,I thought you'd gone to bed. Eleanor:Oh,no,not yet.I had to do my hair now.There's never enough time in the morning.Uh,sit.There's something I have to discuss with you.Your father and I have decided to take Andrew back to Rhode Island with us. Bree:Really?And whose idea was that? Eleanor:Andrew's.But Henry and I feel it's the right thing to do. Bree:Absolutely not. Eleanor:If we leave him here,the two of you will wind up in court,and I'm not going to allow that. Bree: Do you really think that I am enjoying airing my dirty laundry in public?This whole situation is mortifying.But I can't back down because he is my son,and I need more time to get through to him.
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Eleanor:You never give up.I've always admired that about you.When you were a kid,you used to make these peanut butter cookies that were god-awful.But you kept baking them,and you kept forcing everyone to eat them.You were so determinedto get them right. Bree:My mother didn't think they were awful.When I made those same cookies for her,she loved them. Eleanor:Well,some people praise children even when they don't deserve it. Bree:Oh,but not you.With you,I had to work for every kind word I ever got. Eleanor:Well,you always resented me because of my high standards. Bree:No.I resented you because those were kick-ass peanut butter cookies. Eleanor:We're taking Andrew. Bree:Eleanor,please... Eleanor:He hates you,Bree.Your own son.You know,part of being an adult is admitting that you've failed, and then moving on...with grace. Bree: Do you really think that I am a failure as a parent? Eleanor:Well,I'd love to lie and say something supportive,but as you pointed out,that was more your mother's thing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Xiao-Mei is fast asleep on the dining room table when Gabrielle walks in.) Gabrielle:Xiao-mei? Xiao-Mei:So sorry.I just take break. Gabrielle:Oh,no,Xiao-mei,that's okay. That's okay. I know you were up all night with the baby,and I really appreciate it.You know,I'm very grateful for everything you've been doing for Lily.So to thank you,I bought you a gift certificate to my spa.And you can take a whole day off and just really pamper yourself. Xiao-Mei:Really? Gabrielle:Mm-hmm. Xiao-Mei:Thank you!Oh,thank you! Gabrielle:Oh,you're welcome.All right,Lily needs to be bathed and put to bed.I don't wanna miss my yoga class. (She walks over to the bassinet and picks up Lily.) Gabrielle:Hi. Hi,pretty girl.Oh,yes,mommy has to go.Mommy has to go,so she can stay pretty and thin and you can be proud of her. (She hands the baby to Xiao-Mei.) Gabrielle:Motherhood is such a blessing.I hope you get to experience it one day. (Gabrielle walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Daytime] (Bree hears yelling outside. She looks out the window.) Andrew:Because it's not a big deal! Justin:"It's not a big deal"? Andrew:Okay!It's not that far away. Justin:Right. Oh,it's not that far away? Dude,it--whatever,okay?You didn't even care to tell me before? Andrew:Bye. (Andrew drives away. Bree goes outside.) Bree:Justin,what happened? Justin:Andrew just told me he's moving in with his grandparents.They live so far away, I'm never gonna see him anymore.
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Bree:I'm so sorry. I know that you're good friends. Justin:We're more than friends,Mrs. Van de Kamp.I love him. Bree:Oh.Why? Justin:Why? Bree:Yes.I'd be curious to know just what it is you see in him. Justin:Well,when my parents first heard I was gay, they kicked me out.They said I had debased the entire family and that they couldn't love me anymore until I changed.But Andrew--he said that I should be ashamed of them,'cause they were too stupid to know how great I was.That's the thing about Andrew.He doesn't take crap from anyone. How can you not love someone like that? Bree:You know,it never ceases to amaze me how people can turn their backs on their own family.I mean--but it happens every day,doesn't it? Justin:I guess. Bree:You know,Justin,if you would be willing to help,I'm pretty sure that I could find a way to keep Andrew from moving.What do you say? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Mrs. McCluskey is sitting on the couch, eating a fudgesicle and reading the newspaper.) Lynette:I'm home. McCluskey:Oh,hi. Lynette:Hey,Mrs. Mccluskey.So how did everything go? McCluskey:Fine. Penny fussed a bit.I think her molars are coming in. Lynette:Oh. McCluskey:And the twins fought over the remote. There's nothing new there. Lynette:No. McCluskey:Here's the big news--Parker offered me a fudgsicle if I would show him my vagina. (Lynette looks at Mrs. McCluskey eating her fudgesicle.) McCluskey:Oh,good god,Lynette,relax.I didn't do it.I just got this out of the freezer a second ago. Lynette:Uh,yeah. Of course.No,sorry. McCluskey:Apparently,Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff? Lynette:Oh... that was me.He was asking about the birds and the bees, and I fudged a few of the details. Well,he's only 7 years old.I don't think he needs to know everything yet.I don't wanna rob him of his innocence. McCluskey:Well,now,that's where you're wrong.You get 'em when they're young.Give them all the gory details.And then when they're good and disgusted,you shame 'em. Lynette:Excuse me? McCluskey:You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it,and if he does,he's going straight to hell. Lynette:That is ridiculous. McCluskey:Spoken like a true liberal idiot. Lynette:No,I'm not gonna shame my son. McCluskey:Mm,I'm telling ya,it works.It keeps people in their place,it keeps parents from being humiliated,and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Daytime] (The doorbell rings. When Susan opens the door, Orson is at the front door with Susan's wallet.)
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Orson:In your haste to duck out before the credits rolled,you... Susan:Oh,my god!Oh,thank you so much. Orson:I stuck a card in there,just in case you ever wanted to purposely sit next to me at a movie,so... Susan:Orson,I'm flattered.Uh,really.You--you don't wanna date me.I-I mean,my love life is just so complicated right now.Well... no,I won't bore you with the details. (Later, Orson and Susan are having coffee at her kitchen table.) Orson:So the ex-boyfriend has no idea you're secretly married to the ex-husband,who still loves you,but unless you give him a reason not to,is gonna marry the neighborhood slut? Susan: Did I call Edie a slut?Well,that's overstating it.Edie's not a slut.She's just... popular with indiscriminate men.Anyway... yes,those are the relevant players. Orson:Okay. Susan:Now I'm absolutely horrified that I'm about to say what I'm about to say,but there's nobody else I can talk to who won't judge me.And since you're a complete stranger, I'll probably never see you again unless I randomly run into you on the street,in which case,you'll ignore me'cause you know how crazy I am. So here goes...I'm having feelings for Karl again.Does that make me a terrible person? Orson:You want my unvarnished opinion? Susan: Lay it on me. Orson:It doesn't make you a terrible person,but it does make you A...well... a sucker.This Karl's a coward. He wants you to be the heavy and take all the responsibility.If you're having feelings for a guy like that, I say run...far,far away. Susan:He lives three houses down. Orson:Hmm.Well,good luck to you,then.But like I said,if you're interested in a tooth whitening,my card's still in your wallet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Daytime] (Gabrielle is leaving the house.) Gabrielle:Xiao-mei?Xiao-mei?I'm late to meet Mrs. Van de Kamp.I'll be back in a little while. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] Gabrielle:Bree...I'm so sorry I'm late. Bree:Oh,honey,it's all right.I mean,with the new baby at home, I'm surprisedyou made it at all. Gabrielle:Ooh,I'll have a drink.Anything with an umbrella. Bree:So tell me,how are you doing?I mean,your entire world must be turned upside down.You must be exhausted. Gabrielle:You know,it's been challenging,but I-I soldier on. (Chuckles)So what about you?You look so rested. Bree:I just got a massage at Misty Spring.Things have been a little tense at home, and I needed an hour to relax. Gabrielle:Good for you.I love that spa. Bree:Oh,by the way,while I was there, I saw your,uh,your housekeeper.Xiao-mei? Gabrielle:Oh,no,you must be mistaken. I just left her.She's at home working. Bree:Are you sure? I was talking to her in the steam room for about 20 minutes. Gabrielle:What? Bree:Yeah,apparently you gave her a gift certificate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Gabrielle's car comes screeching around the corner into her driveway. Gabrielle runs into her house and
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runs upstairs.) Gabrielle: Lily?Lily,mommy's coming! (She finds Lily sleeping in her bassinet. She picks her up.) Gabrielle:Oh,thank god!Oh,honey,I'm so sorry.I'm never gonna leave you again. Oh!Yes. Yes. (Later, Carlos walks in the front door.) Carlos:I'm home!My interview got canceled. (Carlos enters the bedroom to find Gabrielle doing yoga with Lily strapped to her chest.) Gabrielle:Oh,that's my little girl.Your chakra lining up nice for mommy?That's my girl. Carlos:Hey,let me take her off your chest so you can do your yoga. Gabrielle:No! No,no,no.We're doing just fine.Aren't we,Lily? (Carlos smiles and walks away. Gabrielle hugs Lily lovingly, smiling at her while she continues her yoga.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Banquet Room] (A band is playing in an empty banquet room which has a 'Happy Bar Mitzvah, Neil' sign hanging from the ceiling. Karl is listening to the band and Susan rushes in.) Karl:Bridezilla's got me auditioning wedding bands,and I'm clueless about Edie's taste in music.What do you think of these guys? Susan:That's why you brought me down here?Karl,you made it sound like it was an emergency. Karl:It is! I need to have somebody to dance with so I can see if these guys have the power to help me get my groove on. (He dances around Susan.) Susan:Karl...Uh-oh! Karl:Oh,that's right.You like it laid-backand romantic,don't you? (to the band) Guys,can we play something mellow? Susan:No,don't bother,'cause I'm going. (The band begins playing/singing "You are so Beautiful.") The band:Two...you are so beautiful... Susan:That was not a coincidence. Karl:This was playing the night we first kissed.It's our song. Remember? Susan:I remember.I also remember that you are planning on marrying someone else. Karl:Not if you don't want me to.Come on,Susie Q.I can see you still have feelings for me,and I know I have never stopped loving you. Susan:Okay,you want the truth?I don't knowhow I feel about you,but I keep looking at you,trying to see if you've changed,if you've grown up.You know what I see?I see the same weak coward that walked out on me three years ago. Karl:Of course I've changed. Susan:I don't think so.So I think you should probably stay with Edie.And the band is good.You should hire 'em. (Susan walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House - Daytime] (Paul wakes up to the sound of machines outside his window. All of a sudden red and blue curtains fall over his window outside. Paul and Zach walk down the darkened stairs to see the coverings on all the windows. Paul goes out the front door to find his house being tented.) Paul:What the hell?For god's sakes... Worker #1:What the hell are you doing in there?!
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Paul:This is my house.What are you doing? Worker #2:We're tenting for termites.We got a work order. Paul:Signed by who? (Felicia comes over from next door.) Felicia: Paul...I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life.They're supposed to be tenting my house. I must've written the address down wrong.Muchachos,mi casa esta aqu? Paul:You've taken it too farthis time.These little mind games are gonna stop right now! Felicia (whispering):And if they don't,what cha gonna do?Blow out your brains like your wife did? (Paul grabs Felicia around the neck and begins to strangle her. Some of the workers grab Paul off of Felicia.) Paul:Ahh! Worker #2:Hey,hey! Worker #1:Hey,you okay? Felicia: Did you hear that?He assaulted me for an honest mistake.God knows what would've happened if you hadn't been here. (Neighbors are watching from the street.) Paul: Let go! Zach: Dad,dad,dad.Come on.Come on.Come on,okay? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] Lynette:I talked to Mrs. Mccluskey,and for god's sakes,Parker,you can't ask people things like that. Parker:Why? Lynette:Because...it's rude. Parker:I said "please." Lynette:Well,that doesn't matter!You gotta quit talking to people about their bodies,and about where,you know,babies come from. Parker:Why? Lynette:Because it's not an appropriate subject. Parker:Why? Lynette:Because it's not. Parker:Why? Lynette:Ugh!Because it's dirty and wrong, and I'll wash your mouth out with soap! That's why. (Lynette looks at the expression on Parker's face.) Mary Alice Voiceover:In that moment,Lynette saw a look on her son's face she had never seen before... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback] (Parker runs in the front door smiling carrying a remote control dinosaur.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And she thought of the look he had on his face when he had become obsessed with dinosaurs... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback] (Parker, smiling, comes running in with a bat and glove.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...obsessed with baseball -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback] (Parker, smiling, comes running in with a model train.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...and obsessed with trains.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day] (Parker walks in the front door smiling, carrying a puppy.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And it occurred to Lynette she didn't need to shame her son.All he needed was a brand-new obsession. Preston:But I thought you said we couldn't have a puppy. Lynette:Well... it turns out we really needed one.You can go and play. Mary Alice Voiceover:And though she didn't know it at the time,it would be another three years before Parker Scavo would ever ask about sex again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Susan:Karl. What's going on? Karl:Uh,I'm on my way to a motel.I-I just wanted to let you know that the wedding is off. Susan:It is? Karl:I told Edie I wasn't in love with her--at least,not in the way that she deserves. Susan:Wow.Why did you change your mind?I mean,I hope it wasn't because of me,because I told you-Karl:It wasn't for you. Susan:No? Karl:You were right.I have been a coward.I was a coward three years ago when I walked out on the two most important people in my life.And I was being a coward with Edie.I mean,to even consider marrying her when I know what real passion and real love feels like.Anyway,I-I-I just thought I'd let you know. Susan:Karl...you look pretty beat up.Why--why don't you...why don't you come in and...we'll crack open a bottle of wine.Come on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Eleanor and Henry are packing boxes in the living room. Bree enters, carrying an open box, and places it in front of Henry.) Bree:All right,here we go.This is the last of Andrew's things.Once we tape up these boxes,we can start loading the car. Eleanor:I'm proud of you,Bree.You're being awfully big about this. Bree:Well,I have to admit,I was a bit upset at first.But then it hit me.You're his grandparents. You should bond,get to know the real Andrew. (She turns and sees Henry holding a video from the box Bree put in front of him.) Bree:Oh,dad,I-I forgot to warn you.These are some of Andrew's adult videos.I don't approve,but boys will be boys. Eleanor:Oh,Henry,stop looking at that filth. Henry:I don't get it.Where are the women? Eleanor:What are you talking about? Henry:This is all just a bunch of...naked men. Eleanor:Sweet mother of god.What the hell are they doing? Henry:I don't know,and I don't even know what I'm looking at. Eleanor:Henry,this is pornography for ho-homosexuals. Bree:Oh,shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that.Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation,and we were having such a nice time. Henry:Bree,is...is Andrew... gay? Bree:Oh,dad,Andrew hates labels.I'm sure it's just a phase.
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Eleanor:Excuse me,but he has a magazine titled"Leather daddies in love."That does not sound like a phase to me. Bree:Maybe not,but it's no longer my concern now that he'll be living with you. Eleanor:We have to have a serious talk. Henry: Let's don't freak out about this.The Dutch therapist says-Eleanor:Forget the Dutch therapist!In the kitchen!Now! (Henry and Eleanor leave the room. Bree smiles.) (Later, Bree is in the kitchen when Andrew walks in.) Andrew:Hey,where's grandma and grandpa?I need to start loading up my stuff. Bree:Oh,they,uh,they already left. Andrew:Wait... they left?Without me? Bree:Uh,yeah,they wrote you a letter.It seems they came across some personal items of yours that, um,upset them. (Andrew begins to read the letter.) Andrew:They're taking away my trust fund?They can't do that! Bree:Well,actually they can.I mean,it's their money to dispense with as they see fit.I know it doesn't seem fair,but-Andrew:No,it's really unfair. In fact,it sucks.What--what am I supposed to do now? Bree:Well,now that you can't afford to become emancipated,I guess you're gonna have to stay here with me. Andrew,we can make this work.We just have to let go of our anger. Andrew:No. Bree:Oh,I,um,had a chance to have a nice chat with Justin the other day.He really seems very sweet.I've invited him over for dinner tonight. I hope you don't mind. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Daytime] (Karl and Susan are in bed together.) Susan:Now I wish I hadn't torched our wedding photos.Who would've thought, after everything that's happened,that we would've ended up back here again? Karl:It's been one hell of a ride,huh? Susan:Yeah. Karl:So how do you feel now? Susan:About us?I feel good.I feel happy. Karl:You're not having second thoughts? Susan:I can't believe you actually want to talk about feelings.You really have changed. Karl:Hey,this is the new Karl,baby.He's not afraid to cry. (The phone rings. Susan answers.) Susan:Hello?Oh,hi,Edie.Uh...yeah,he's here.Hold on.(covering the mouthpiece) How does she know you're here? Karl:I don't know.(into the phone) Hi. Ahem.Yeah,I just came by to help Julie with her civics homework. Uh-huh.Okay,I'll take care of it.What kind of juice do you want?Right. Bye,bye. Susan:Are you getting juice for her? Karl:Yeah,just one carton. Susan:You ripped the woman's heart out.Why would she want juice from you? Karl:Okay. now don't freak out,but this breakup is sort of a work in progress. Susan:She doesn't know? (Susan grabs the comforter, covers herself and gets out of bed.)
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Karl:Will you calm down?I can explain. Susan:So if Edie doesn't know,then that means that you just cheated on her... with me!You made me the other woman! Karl: Please don't be angry.I tried to break up with her,but because I wasn't sure you wanted me back,the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth.Now that I know that you want me and love me again,it's a done deal. (A few minutes later, Julie is sitting at the kitchen table eating. Clothes comes flying down the stairs.) Susan:Get out of my house,you miserable son of a bitch! Karl:Can't we talk about this? Susan:No,just get out!Get out! (Susan in a robe and Karl in his boxer shorts come downstairs.) Karl:Susie,Susie! Susan:Our marriage was garbage!Stupid,disgusting pile of garbage! Karl:No,no,don't say that. Susan:And I regret everything that came of it! Karl: Don't do this right now. Susan:Ugh! (to Julie) Except you,honey.You're my rock.(to Karl) Ooh,out! Get out! Karl:I...ugh!I promise you I'm gonna break up with Edie and make this right.I'll call you when it's done. Susan: Don't bother!I won't pick up. (Susan slams the door in Karl's face. Julie shakes her head. Karl stands on the porch.) Mary Alice Voiceover:We've all done something in our lives we're ashamed of.Some of us have fallen for the wrong man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Movie Theater] (Mike and his young lady are watching the movie. Mike is staring off in deep concentration.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Some have let go of the right woman. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Parker is on the floor playing with the puppy.) Mary Alice Voiceover:There are those who have humiliated their parents... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle stands over the bassinet watching Lily sleep.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...and those who have failed their children. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree comes out of the kitchen carrying a freshly baked pie to Justin and Andrew playing cards at the table.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, we've all made mistakes that diminish us and those we love. (Bree places the pie on the table and begins cutting it. She smiles as she watches Andrew and Justin having fun together.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But there is redemption if we try to learn from those mistakes...and grow. ~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives 2x20 - It Wasn't Meant To Happen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate housewives... Judge Grimshaw:I'm granting you temporary custody until we can get a straight answer from the birth father. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle got exactly what she wanted. Susan:If Edie doesn't know,then that means that you just cheated on her with me. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan got fooled again... Peter:I'm also a member of S.A. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Bree got too much... Peter:Sex addicts anonymous. Mary Alice Voiceover:...information. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House - Daytime] (Karl is kneeling at Edie's bedside his eyes closes and his hand folded in prayer. Edie is fast asleep in bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Karl Mayer didn't pray often,but when he did,it was usually to ask for God's help in breaking up with a woman and to spare him the nasty drama that usually accompanied such callous and unexpected departures. (Karl pulls a note from his coat and lays it on the pillow next to Edie.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Woman's House] (Karl, with a suitcase, is closing a bedroom door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Over the years, Karl had dumped dozens of women. (A young lady rolls over in the bed and is shocked to find a note on the bed next to her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And not one of them had ever seen it coming. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Woman's House] (Karl, with his suitcase, is closing another bedroom door on another sleeping woman.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Every retreat was always meticulously planned,right down to the personalized stationary. (The young woman rolls over smiling and is shocked to find a note on the pillow next to her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Woman's House] (Karl, with his suitcase, closes another bedroom door on a different sleeping woman.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Hence, his record of successful getaways... (The young woman rolls over smiling and is shocked to find a note on the pillow next to her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...from women who did not want to see him go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day - Edie's House] (Karl, skulking around Edie's bedroom, with his suitcase, puts a note on the pillow next to Edie. He quietly rolls a large suitcase to the door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt,Karl prayed to God yet again to help him avoid all the unnecessary drama.Unfortunately for Karl... (Karl opens the door quietly when the bedside alarm goes off to wake Edie up. Karl freezes as Edie wakes up slowly.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...God was in the mood...to be entertained.
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(Edie walks up with her hand on the note and sees Karl frozen and the door with his suitcases. Karl rushes out the door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Front Yard - Daytime] (Karl runs out of the house with his suitcases. He throws them into his convertible and climbs in the car quickly. He turns the starter, but the car stalls. He keeps trying when Edie comes running out of the house, waving a note in the air.) Karl: (whispers)Come on! Edie:What the hell is this? Karl:Edie, baby, calm down. Edie:"Let's be honest with ourselves, Edie.We haven't been happy in a long time"?Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy,you miserable son of a bitch?I have been ecstatic! Karl:Okay. I-I'm the one who hasn't been happy, then. Edie:Then why did you propose to me? Karl:I don't know. Edie:I have told every woman in this town that we are getting married,and all you have to say to me is, "I don't know"? Karl:Oh, what else do you want me to say?I'm sorry. Edie:What's going on?Iis there someone else?Oh, my god. (Edie drops the note and backs away. She turns around and sees a rake propped against the house. She walks toward the rake.) Karl:Oh, crap. (Karl quickly climbs into his car while Edie walks quickly to get the rake. Karl quickly puts his seat belt on and tries to start the car. Edie grabs the rake. Karl continues to try to start the car as Edie walks over determinedly with the rake.) Karl:Come on, come on, come on! (As Edie gets closer, the car starts. Karl is relieved and smiles at Edie as he drives out of the driveway, only to be hit by a garbage truck. Karl sits in his smashed steaming car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:As he sat there,Karl couldn't help but wonder why God had forsaken him. (Edie looks on and smiles. She tosses the rake to the ground and turns to go back into the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It never occurred to him that God...might be a woman. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[A.A. Meeting] (Peter is standing in a circle holding hands with other members praying.) Peter:God,grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference... Mary Alice Voiceover:The members of the Fairview Chapter of A.A. ended every meeting with a prayer.And while most were asking god for help in resisting temptation,was busy thinking thoughts that were downright sinful. Peter:And until the next Amen,keep coming back and it works if you work it. Amen. (Later, Bree is cleaning the refreshment table.) Bree:I think you'd love the opera.The music and the voices--it's just all so... passionate. Peter: (chuckles) Yeah, a 300-pound soprano seducing balding tenors.That'd be hot. Bree:You making fun of me?(chuckles)Huh?
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(Bree playfully pokes Peter. Peter grabs her hands.) Peter:Bree. Bree:Yes? Peter:Maybe a little bit. (They are just about to kiss when a man walks into the meeting hall.) Claude:What's going on here? Peter:Claude? Claude:We made plans, remember? Peter:I'm sorry.I was just about-Claude:Yeah, I saw what you were just about to do. Bree:I'm sorry, Peter,but, uh, who is this? Peter:This is Claude.He's my sponsor. Bree:Oh, your A.A. sponsor? Claude:No.I'm his other sponsor. Peter:For my sex addiction. Bree:Oh. Claude: Damn it, Peter.What did I tell you? Peter:Avoid lust triggers. Claude:And what is she? Peter:Come on,don't do this, man. Claude:She's a lust trigger.A lust trigger! Bree:Um, excuse me.I don't know what that means,but could you please stop saying it? Claude:Where's your chip?Give it to me. (Peter pulls a chip from his pocket and hands it to Claude.) Claude: Do you remember how low you'd sunk when we met?This represents 12 months of hard work,not giving in to your urges.Now if you wanna blow all that on this woman,just tell me now so I can stop wasting my time working with you. (Claude tosses the chip over his shoulder. Peter looks at Bree, then walks over and picks up the chip.) Peter:I don't want to blow it. Claude:Good.Then tell the pretty lady good-bye and that you can't socialize with her anymore.And do it quick.I'm hungry. (Claude leaves the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher and Murphy Advertising Agency] (It is late at night. Lynette and Tom are carrying a sleeping Porter and Parker out of the day care room as Preston walks between them. Jerry comes running up.) Jerry:Bad news.Ed wants us to push through tonight and finish the Edelstein Realty pitch. Lynette:But we're not presenting for another two weeks.Why don't we start tomorrow? Jerry:But how would that help Ed avoid his marital problems? Lynette:What? Tom:Oh, he's right. I hear Ed fighting with Fran on the phone every day through the office walls. Lynette:That would explain all our working hours. Jerry:Yeah, but you lucked out, Scavo.Darlene talked him into cutting the people who have kids in day care loose. Lynette:Hey, great.Let's go before he changes his mind. Jerry:But that dsn't include you,Miss Senior V.P.Ed wants you in the conference room now.
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Lynette:You're kidding! Jerry:You're his security blanket,Lynette. He stays, you stay. Tom:Jerry, can you help me get the kids down to the car?Oh. Jerry:Yeah. (He takes a sleeping Parker from Lynette.) Lynette:Thanks, Jer. Jerry:Sure. (Lynette kisses Tom goodbye as Ed walks in.) Ed: Lynette? Lynette:Yeah? Ed:Get those mock-ups together,will you?Jerry,I didn't know you had a kid. (Lynette stares at Jerry. Jerry rubs Parker's back.) Jerry:Y-yeah, um, out of wedlock. Ed:Oh. Jerry:So... see you in the morning. (Jerry runs out holding Parker and Tom follows. Lynette watches, shocked into silence.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Susan walks in.) Susan:I'm sorry I'm late. (Susan walks into the room and seeing Bree, Lynette and Gabrielle consoling a crying Edie.) Susan:What's going on? Lynette:Karl broke up with Edie. Susan:Oh, my god. Bree:Yeah, apparently,he was seeing someone. Susan:Really?Did he say who it was? Edie:I know who she is.She's a man-eating,scum-sucking ho-bag. Bree:No, he did not say. Edie:You know,when Karl dumped you,I thought that it was all your fault.Yeah,I figured that...you were a nag or bad in bed.But now Ii... now I see that you were just a victim, too.We have a bond, Susan.It's like we're sisters.(chuckles) There's even a pretty one and an ugly one. Bree:Edie! Edie:No,I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both. Susan:Yes, like you wouldn't believe. Lynette:Guys,I'm all for bashing exes,but let's save a little of our hate for his partner in crime--the other woman. Gabrielle:Mm-hmm. Bree:Yeah! you know, they're always coming up with these excuses to justify being a home-wrecker. Gabrielle:Exactly! Like,"He wouldn't have been with me if he was gettin' it at home." Lynette:Yeah, "honey,you're the love of my life.She's just the runner-up." Susan:Oh, look, the baby's doing something really cute. (Everyone looks over to see Lily fast asleep.) Susan:She's sleeping. Susan: Like an angel. Gabrielle: Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog.Mm.I mean, but let's face it--if these tramps weren't laying out the buffet,he wouldn't be chowing down.
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Susan:Well, every situation is different,and it's hard to judge until we know all the details. (All four women stare at Susan.) Susan:Which...obviously I don't know,because how would I know? (The women continue staring at Susan.) Susan:She's a slutty, slutty whore.Absolutely. (All the women smile and nod.) Edie:Yeah. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Carlos and Gabrielle have Lily in a carriage. Gabrielle is putting a hat on Lily.) Carlos:Are you sure she needs that?I just put sunscreen on her. Gabrielle:Yes, she needs the bonnet.It completes the outfit. Carlos:Oh, for God's sakes, Gaby. (Gabrielle and Carlos are walking down Wisteria Lane proudly pushing the carriage.) Gabrielle:She's never too young to start accessorizing.Besides, all the neighbors are out today,and I want them to see how happy we are and wish they were us. (Dale comes running up in his letterman jacket and starts walking with Gabrielle and Carlos.) Dale:Hey.uh, the baby's a beauty. Carlos:We think so,but we're a little biased. (Dale leans over into the carriage. Lily laughs.) Dale:Oh, wow,she's got my eyes. Gabrielle:Huh? Dale:Oh, I'm Dale.Dale Helm.I'm the baby's birth father. Gabrielle:Uh, well, hi, Dale.(chuckles)Nice to meet you.A lot of people have been looking for you. Dale:Yeah, I know,lawyers and stuff.I got kinda held up in Florida longer than I thought. Carlos:Spring break, right? Dale:Yeah. oh, man,we were wasted 24/7.Then I got the message and just thought my friends were messing with me.Those buttwads! Carlos:Ahem. Gabrielle:Well, it's a good thing he's here.We can take him to the lawyer's office,and you can sign over full custody to us.(chuckles) Okay. Dale:Yeah, uh,the thing about that is,I'm gonna want the baby. (Carlos and Gabrielle turn and stare at Dale in shock. A few minutes later, Gabrielle and Carlos are walking quickly down the sidewalk, pushing the carriage, with Dale following them.) Dale:Come on, you guys.We don't have to make this ugly. Gabrielle:You're trying to take our baby!How is it not gonna be ugly? Carlos:Just keep walking, Gaby.Don't engage him. Dale: Listen, Mr. Solis... Gabrielle:No, you listen!We were granted custody.If you want her,you talk to the judge. (Frank's car pulls up next to Dale.) Frank:Hey, what is the holdup? Dale:They told meI gotta talk to a judge. Gabrielle:What the hell are you doing here, Frank? Frank:It's his baby.Give it to him! Gabrielle: Like hell! (Julie is watering the lawn as they pass Susan's house.)
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Julie:Hey, Mrs. Solis,can I see the baby? Carlos and Gabrielle: (both) No! Frank: Dale, just do it already! Dale:I'm not just gonna kidnap it. Frank:Why not?They did!It is your baby.Just take it! (Carlos turns and stands face to face with Dale.) Carlos:Try it. Dale:Frank? (Dale turns to Frank. Gabrielle looks smugly at Frank, who groans.) Frank:Get in, you moron. Dale:Anyways, it looks like you're doing a good job with her. Frank: Dumb-ass! Dale:She seems clean. (Carlos gets closer to Dale, who runs and gets into Frank's car. Frank pulls away quickly. Carlos and Gabrielle watch the car drive away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House] (Matthew approaches the Applewhite house. Betty is talking to a couple on the front door.) Betty:And like I said,we have been very happy here,and I'm sure you will be, too. Man:Well, we just love it. Woman:Yeah. Betty:Once the stairs are repaired,I'll show you the basement. (The couple leave. Matthew walks up to Betty.) Matthew:What's going on? Betty:The house just sold.Start packing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime] Danielle:Why don't you just put Caleb in an institution?It's where he belongs anyway. Matthew:My mom would never let strangers take care of him. Danielle:Then why don't you call the police?Then it's not up to her. Matthew:If I call the police,my mom and I go to jail with Caleb.We've been hiding a murderer.Now, look, if we--if we do move, I promise I will call you every day. Danielle:I don't need a phone buddy.I need a boyfriend! Matthew:Would you calm down,please? Danielle: Don't tell me what to do!You know, I could go to the police myself! Matthew: Danielle... Danielle:I just...I love you so much.I would do anything to keep you here. Matthew:Yeah,I see that now. Danielle:You can't leave me alone here.You have to think of something. Matthew: Don't worry.I will. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office - Nighttime] (An instant message appears on the computer screen. It's from T-Man Scavo.) T-MAN-SCAVO:WHEN R U COMING HOME? (Lynette sees Ed working hard at his computer with headphones on.) LYNETTE65:AT THIS RATE? NEVER.
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T-MAN SCAVO:HE'S KEEPING YOU LATE AND I'M HORNY! LYNETTE65:WHAT DO U WANT ME 2 DO ABOUT THAT? T-MAN SCAVO: DUNNO. WHAT DO U WANT 2 DO? (Lynette drops a sugar packet and leans over to pick it up. In the meantime, an instant message from Ed pops up on Lynette's screen.) ED FERRARA:MAKING COFFEE... YOU WANT? (Lynette sits back up, smiles, and starts typing.) LYNETTE65:I WANT TO LICK U FROM HEAD TO FOOT. (She hits "enter" and then notices that it's an instant message from Ed.) Lynette: (gasps) Oh, my god! (She watches Ed and the new message appears on his screen. Ed reads, looks shocked, then turns and stares at Lynette.I.M.chimes.Lynette jumps up and runs into Ed's office.) Lynette:Ed? Hey,I'm so sorry,but obviously that was just meant for Tom's eyes only. Ed:Honest mistake.Don't even worry about it. Lynette:Okay.Thanks.Well,I'm gonna go back in my office and continue to feel like a huge pervert. Ed:At least you and Tom have a love life. Lynette:Well, we do the best we can given the circumstances. Ed:Better than Fran and I.We're dead in that department.I don't wanna bore you with the details. Lynette:I appreciate that.You know, Ed...I don't wanna pry into your personal business,but if you are having problems in that area,you don't have to be resigned to it. Ed:What are you suggesting,hookers?No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex. Lynette:I mean, you and Fran could spice it up a bit.You know, get the old juices flowing again. Ed:Oh,I see.Kinda like, uh...(looks at his computer screen)"I'd like to lick you from head to foot." Lynette: (chuckles)Okay, well,that wasn't my best work,but you can't deny results.I.M.ing works,and when I go home tonight,Tom and I are going to...Okay, well,I'm gonna be exhausted,so I'll probably just lay there.But trust ,Tom is gonna go to town. Ed:It's something to think about,Lord knows.You know what the sad truth is?I have been thinking about hookers. Lynette:Okay!Uh, well,I hope that helped.And I'm just gonna go back and finish so we can all get out of here. (chuckles) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Claude's Bakery] (Claude is putting newly baked good into the shelves. Bree walks in.) Claude: Let me guess.You're not here for a bear claw. Bree: (chuckles) No, I'm not. Claude:You're wasting your time. Bree: Look, you don't have to worry about Peter,not while he's with me. Claude:Yeah? Why is that? Bree:Because when it comes to sex,I have an unwavering moral compass.Truly. A man could beg and plead all day long,and it wouldn't make any difference.So since I have such strong self-control,there's really no reason for us to end our friendship. Claude:The guy's a ticking bomb.You have no idea the kind of depravity that comes with this disease.Waking up in a stranger's bed every morning...cruising the park at night,looking for somebody to get off with,compulsive masturbation every chance you get! (A man sitting at a table overhears, gets up, and walks out.)
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Claude: Look, for guys like Peter and me,there's no beauty in the sex.It's an empty and ugly compulsion. Bree:Well,I am sorry,but the Peter I know has a little more sense-(Claude sees a young man walking in.) Claude:Hold on. (Claude walks up to the man entering.) Druggie:Claude, I need some--I need some help. Claude:What are you doing here?Are you using? Druggie:No, but I bought a bag. Claude:You're an embarrassment to me.Give it! (Claude holds out his hand. The guy pulls a bag out of his pocket and hands it to Claude.) Claude:There's a meeting over on 10th street. You go there.You call me after. Druggie:I'm sorry. Claude:Get the hell out of my shop. (Claude goes back to Bree. He holds up the bag.) Claude:I'm also a sponsor at cocaine anonymous. Bree:Well, aren't you the renaissance man. Claude:Are we done here,Princess? Bree:Not yet.You obviously have an encyclopedic grasp of everything deaved.But clearly, you don't have the slightest idea about the power of a loving relationship. (Claude laughs and holds up the bag of cocaine.) Claude:This is all you are to Peter--something to satisfy his addiction. Bree:Well,I think Peter is a better man than you do,and I am not gonna let you keep us apart. Claude:Try and stop me.Peter does everything I tell him to do.That's the one thing you can depend on with addicts--they're weak. (laughs) (Claude walks into the back room. Bree turns to leave. Two police officers walk in.) Bree: (sighs) Excuse me.Excuse me.May I ask you something? Officer #1:Yes, ma'am? Bree:If a citizen,an ordinary citizen like myself,knew of someone holding a significant amount of drugs,what would my responsibilities be,you know, under the law? (Bree and the two officers stare at Claude in the back room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Susan is outside Edie's door with a stack of books.) Edie:What's all this? (Later, Edie and Susan sit on Edie's couch in the living room.) Susan:And this one,I ran out and got the day I found out Karl was doing it with his secretary.I think you'll find this particularly helpful.It's got a chapter called,"Revenge: You're only hurting yourself." Edie:Yeah, you know,I'm just really not into the whole reading thing. Susan:Oh.Well, um, why don't we get you out of here?Let's go see a feel-good movie. Edie:Why are you being so nice to me? Susan:Well,I just wanna help.So how about that movie? Edie:You know how I like to heal?I get hammered. Susan:Uh... well, um...then I should just go and let you get started with that. Edie: Do you really wanna help me? Good.'cause I'm gonna need a designated driver. Susan:Oh! Uh...okay. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Bree's House] (Bree is placing a plate of cookies in front of Peter, who's sitting at the kitchen table.) Peter:How could he be arrested for cocaine possession?Claude swore he was clean. Bree:It's just awful, isn't it?I mean, you never know what people are doing behind your back.Would you like some milk with your cookies? Peter:Thanks.It's just, you know...was he best sponsor I've ever had,and I don't know what I'm gonna do now. Bree:Well, I have been doing some thinking and...here's a thought--why don't I be your sponsor? Peter: (laughs) You gotta be kidding.You don't know squat about sex addiction. Bree:Well,cravings are cravings,and all you really need is a friend to call when you start having inappropriate thoughts,and I can be that friend. Peter:Well, there's more to it than that.Claude rescued me from some pretty nasty scenes over the years. Bree:Well, if you were in trouble,I could handle it. Peter:How can you be so sure? Bree:Because I can be very strong for those people that I really care about. Peter:How can you have any feelings for me at all?I mean, you've only known me for a few weeks. Bree:Yes, and in that time,I've come to learn that you're good and kind and smart.And, yes,you have a little problem that you need some help with,but I'm willing to be there for you.So what's the big deal? Peter:If you saw me at my worst,you might not like me so much. Bree: Peter,let me be your rock.Taking care of people is what I do best.Drink your milk. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sports Bar] (Waitresses wearing tank tops and short shorts are serving people. A watress brings a large plate of chicken wings to Susan and Edie's table. The waitress walks away as Edie dips her finger in the sauce and tastes.) Edie: (indistinct conversations,laughter) Ah-ah-ah. mnh-mnh.I asked for extra spicy. Waitress:I'm pretty sure you said medium. Edie:Are you? Well,maybe if you'd written it down,you would've spared yourself the walk of shame back to the kitchen. (Edie hands the large plate back to the waitress who walks away.) Susan:Edie, why are you torturing that girl? Edie:That is her.That is the one that Karl is in love with.We have been here a million times,and you should see the way that she flirts with him,and when she comes back here,I am gonna shove this pitcher in her perky little mug,and when she's-Susan:Okay, let's not make a scene.It's not worth it.For the sake of argument,let's--let's--let's say that it's someone else.You know, probably it would be a vulnerable, lonely woman who Karl just took advantage of,and what if...this poor, confused soul begged your forgiveness?What would you say? Edie:I'd say..."Too little,too late, bitch,"and then I'd kick her. Susan:Oh. Edie:Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that,because I'm positive it's her.I mean, who else could it be? Susan:Yeah. Edie:Karl's office is all guys,and then the only women he sees are me, Julie,that--that lesbian that does his taxes and you. (Susan sees the waitress coming back with Edie's plate.) Susan:You know what?It is her. Edie:Really? Why? Susan:She just...spit in your wings. Edie:You got my back?
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Susan:Uh... sure. (The waitress starts walking back to Edie's table carrying the large plate of food.) Waitress:Here you go, extra spicy. (Edie sticks out her leg, tripping the waitress. The waitress falls and the food goes flying. She gets up and confronts Edie.) Waitress:Aah!You did that on purpose. (Edie punches her and the waitress falls over. Three other waitresses look over to see what's happening. Edie jumps on top of the waitress.) Waitress: (grunts) Ugh! Edie:You are going to pay! (A whistle blows. Edie turns around to see the three other waitresses jumping on top of her. Susan looks on in shock.) Edie:Oh!Whoa! Waitresses:Fight, fight! Edie:Get off me, you brats!Mayer! Four on one!Oh, help! (Susan finally jumps in to help. Everyone is lying on the floor among the wings, fighting.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Matthew is packing. Caleb is concentrating on lining up wine glasses.) Matthew:So, uh, when we leave...who you gonna miss the most? Caleb:I don't know. Matthew:Yeah, you .You said good-bye to her yet? Caleb:No. Matthew: Look, man, it's...it's okay if you like her.You know, I think Danielle really likes you, too. Caleb:Really? Matthew:Yeah, she told me she'd be really sad if you left and didn't say good-bye.You know, I think that she might even want you to give her a little kiss. Caleb:But Danielle doesn't even like me in her room.She gets mad. Matthew:Yeah.I talked to her about that.She feels really bad.If you come in her room again,she won't get mad.And, Caleb,she's gonna act like she doesn't want you to kiss her...but she does. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parson's Christian Academy Gymnasium] (A pep rally is taking place. Student are cheering below a "Huskies" banner.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Dale Helm,like all the students at Parsons Christian Academy,was taught that his future was safely in god's hands.What he didn't know was that Gabrielle Solis was about to force a fumble. (Gabrielle walks into the building where a sign hangs reading "Jesus never punts." She opens the door to the main gym and sees the pep rally going on. She looks at the students and sees Dale sitting with the other football players in the front row. She waves, and Dale shakes his head no.The crowd are cheering loudly.) Coach:All right, guys,you all know next week we're playing the Falcons!And we're gonna fry up those birdies for dinner. (The crowd cheer and applauds. Gabrielle waves and mouths words at Dale to come over to her.) Coach:'cause we're the Huskies!And who are the Huskies? (The crowd stands and yells.) Crowd:God's team! God's team!God's team! (Gabrielle starts walks toward Dale. Dale sees her and runs to her. He turns her around and pushes her toward the door.)
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Crowd:God's team! God's team!God's team! (Dale pushes her out the door.) Dale:What are you doing?You can't be here. Gabrielle: Let's talk turkey.What is it gonna take for you to give up the baby? Dale:It's not gonna happen, okay?I gotta get back.I'm the quarterback.It doesn't look right. (Dale starts walking toward the door. Gabrielle grabs him.) Gabrielle:Okay, no, no!Wait, what about a car?Or college?Tuition's a killer these days.I could help you out. Dale:I don't need help.You hear those cheers?Those are for me.Last game,I threw 246 yards.With stats like that, I can get into the college of my choice. Gabrielle:So why do you want to be a dad?These are your glory days.A baby would ruin your life. Dale:Oh,I know. But Frank said once I get the baby,he's gonna take it off my hands. Gabrielle:But it's not even his. Dale:Libby dumped him.He thinks that if he has the baby and she sees him acting all mature,she'll take him back. Gabrielle:No, no, no.I am not letting that idiot use my baby as a bargaining chip. Dale:Hey, it's out of my hands! Gabrielle:No, it doesn't have to be, okay?Just do the right thing and sign the release form. Dale:Look, I'm really sorry. (Dale runs by Gabrielle back into the gym.) (Inside the gym, the coach blows a whistle and the crowd quiets. Dale comes running in and sits down.) Coach:Before we adjourn today,let's take a moment to bow our heads. (Everyone bows their heads in silent prayer. They all turn to look as they hear the gym doors open. Dale is shocked to see Gabrielle walking to the podium. Gabrielle physically pushes the coach aside to get to the microphone.) Gabrielle: (microphone feedback whines) Hello, everyone.I'm Gaby Solis,Class of '94.Whoo-hoo!I just wanted to give God a big shout out for this amazing season.The man upstairs has definitely been on your side.And you wanna know why?Because you boys live clean.You keep your noses up,you stay out of trouble,and you don't go around getting strippers pregnant.And that's a good thing,'cause if one of you caused a scandal like that,not only would that guy get kicked off the team and lose all of his scholarships,but God would drop your school colors so fast,it'd make your head spin!And then the football season would go to hell.No pun intended. (chuckles)So my point is,do the right thing,and no one gets hurt. (Dale stares at Gaby, eyes wide.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos is walking Lily around as Gabrielle comes in, placing the paper on the table.) Gabrielle:Signed, sealed, delivered.Lily's ours. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher and Murphy Advertising Agency] Tom:So what do you think?Are you staying late again,or can I finally have dinner at home with my wife? Lynette:God,I don't know.I'm gonna go check with Ed. Tom:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ed's Office] (Ed is sitting in a dark office in front of his computer concentrating.) Lynette:Hey, any luckwith that I.M.ing thing? Ed:No, not really.I was online chatting with Fran a while ago,and I asked her what she was wearing,and she
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said,"a yellow blouse." Lynette:Okay, that's good.Then what? Ed:Then... yeah, that's it.I just kinda blocked. Lynette:You blocked? Ed:Yeah, I didn't know what else to say. Lynette:You're an award-winning copywriter, Ed.You get paid to write. Ed:Yeah, jingles for oatmeal,not soft-core porn. Lynette:For God's sakes,it's not brain surgery.Is she still online? Ed:Yeah,I think so. (Lynette grabs Ed's keyboard.) Lynette:Ugh.(typing)"I love the way that blouse clings to your body." (An instant message appears from Funnyfran.) FUNNYFRAN: ARE YOU JOKING? Ed:Okay. Lynette:Mnh-mnh-mnh.(typing)"Nothing funny about those beautiful breasts."(I.M.chimes.)(reading the response off of the screen)"Yeah? What did you want to do to me?" Ed:Uh... (Jerry comes in.) Jerry:Ed, your conference call's ready. Ed:Oh, god,I almost forgot about that.Okay,I gotta go take this,but you keep going,'cause you're doing great. Lynette:No,Ed,I'm not doing this for you! Ed:Just... Lynette:What? (Ed pushes Lynette into his chair and starts to leave the room. He mimics typing at Lynette, then leaves the room.) Lynette Ahem.(typing as she talks):"Touch every inch of your body until you're trembling." FUNNYFRAN: WILL U DO THAT THING WITH UR TEETH? Lynette (typing as she talks):"Oh, yeah.I'll bite you good." FUNNYFRAN:CAN I DO THAT THING I DID ON THE HONEYMOON? Lynette (typing as she talks):"Hell, yeah.First, I want you to touch yourself." FUNNYFRAN:R U? Lynette (typing as she talks):"Oh, yeah!" FUNNYFRAN:GET HOME NOW!!! Lynette (typing as she talks):"I'm on my way." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Bedroom] (Bree is fast asleep when the phone rings.) Bree:(dance music playing over telephone)Hello? Peter (over the phone):Bree, it's Peter...and I'm in trouble. (Indistinct conversations are in distance and dance music is playing.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Apartment 3D] (Bree knocks on the door. A man in boxer shorts with a mask on his head opens the door.) Bree:Hi,I'm--I'm looking for,um, Peter Mcmillan. Man:I'm not sure I know him.You should ask my wife.She organized the party.Hey, Judy, get over here and act like a hostess!Come on in!Come on, come on, come on.
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(He pulls Bree inside. The room is filled with people having a party in various states of undress. A naked woman walks up to her.) Judy:(singsong voice)Hey there.Things are just getting started.After you take off your clothes,feel free to jump right in. Bree:No, no, I'm--I'm good.I'm just, um, here to pick up my friend Peter.He's locked himself in your bathroom,and I'm here to take him home. Man:Oh, yeah, that guy.We were wondering about him.The bathroom's over there. Judy:Hey, is that your natural color? Bree:Yes, it is. Judy:Beautiful.I wish mine would do that.This is out of a bottle. Bree:Yes,I'm aware of that. (Bree runs toward the bathroom and knocks on the door.) Bree: Peter?Peter, it's Bree.Are you in there? (She walks into the bathroom and finds a fully clothed Peter sitting on the toilet seat.) Bree:What are you doing here? Peter:I'm a sex addict.What do you think? Bree:You can't possibly be turned on by what's going on out there. Peter:Disgusting, isn't it? Bree:Yes.Why would you wanna come to a place like this? Peter:I didn't.I wanted you to come.I can't make you not have feelings for me,but I can show you who I was,what my life was like. Bree:Well, that's not your life anymore. Peter:But it could be.If I slip again, this is exactly where you could find me,or someplace worse.Then what would you think of me? Bree: Peter-Peter:Bree...it's dangerous to care about me.A lot of people have over the years,and they all end up getting hurt. Bree:Rex said he'd always be faithful.George said he'd never hurt me.And as it turned out,they were both liars.So as long as you're honest with me,you'd be amazed at what I can put up with.Now let's go home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ed's Office] (Ed is lying on his couch as Lynette walks in.) Lynette:Hey there.Did you have a late night?I hope. Ed:It was horrible.The whole thing blew up in my face.Why would you tell my wife to bite my nipple off? Lynette:I didn't!I didn't.Why would she--oh!The honeymoon thing. Ed:Yeah, and it hurt like hell then, too.And it didn't take her long to figure out that I let a stranger seduce her online. Lynette:Oh, god! Ed:She was so mad, she locked herself in the bathroom and called a divorce lawyer. Lynette:You're getting divorced? Ed:I spent two hours pleading with her through the bathroom door,begging her not to leave me, and...we finally managed to come to terms. Lynette:What kind of terms? Ed:I promised her I would fire the person who did it. Lynette:You're gonna fire me? Ed:No, of course not.You're too important here.I'm gonna fire Tom.I told her it was him that sent the I.M.s.
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Lynette:What?! Ed:I told her that he had a problem with boundarie.I'm sorry.I didn't wanna do this,but my marriage was on the line. Lynette:You can't make my husband your scapegoat.I won't let you. Ed:I don't have a damn choice.I can't be divorced,Lynette.I can't. Lynette:He's under contract.If you just fire him,he'll sue you, and I'll back him up.You need cause. Ed:Well...I guess I'll have to find cause.It shouldn't be too difficult if I look hard enough. (Lynette walks out of Ed's office to see Tom talking with some coworkers. He smiles at her and she smiles back.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Edie is at the front door.) Edie:Hey, how's the eye? Susan:Oh, it's still a little red,but I think I got all the hot sauce out. Edie:That's good.So, um...you know the other day when I said that thing about us being sisters?Well, when I said it I really didn't mean it. Susan:Yeah,I kind of figured that. Edie:No,I mean,I really didn't mean it. but, um...now I do. Susan:Thank you.thank you for having my back. (Edie hugs Susan.) Susan:So do I have to worry about you attacking any more waitresses? Edie:(southern accent) Nah,my bar brawlin' days are over. (Edie looks up as a car drives by.) Edie:Oh, you know, I-I've gotta go.I have a meeting.I'll talk to you later. (Edie runs down the street to her house. A man is getting out of the car parked in front of her house.) Edie:Are you Oliver? Oliver:You must be Edie.Pleasure to meet you. Edie:Oh, likewise.I hear you're one of the best private detectives in town. Oliver:I do what I can. Edie:Well, come on in.Let's talk.Um... basically,I just want you to trail my ex.He, uh... left me for another woman,and I wanna nail that ho to the wall. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Nighttime] (Caleb is sleeping on the couch. Matthew comes downstairs.) Matthew:Caleb?Hey, come on, buddy,wake up.Caleb?It's time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Caleb is running down the street toward Bree's house. He looks up at Danielle's window, sees the light on, and runs toward the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Danielle's Bedroom] (Danielle is at the mirror, in her pajamas, combing her hair. She sees Caleb in the mirror, entering her room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Bedroom] (Bree is removing her earrings getting ready for bed when she hears Danielle scream.) Danielle:(clatter)Get away from me!
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(Bree goes to her night stand and pulls a gun out of the drawer. She runs into Danielle's room and sees Caleb standing over Danielle on the floor trying to pull away. She points the gun at Caleb, then shoots into the air. Caleb turns toward Bree.) Bree:Get away from her!Danielle,I want you to pick up the phone and call the police. Danielle:No! Bree:What? Danielle:Matthew and his mother have been protecting Caleb.They're in as much trouble as he is! Bree:I don't care. Danielle:Mom, please! I love him.(crying) Please. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty is sitting at her table looking shocked. Matthew walks in.) Bree:If I hadn't been in the house,he could've raped her...or worse. Betty:He's locked in his room now, so... Bree:Needless to say,the agreement between us is off.Caleb is dangerous,and I want him put away.If he is not gone by tomorrow,I am calling the police. Matthew:He will be.I promise you.Can I go check on Danielle? Bree:Yes.Betty,I am serious.Either you do something,or I will. Betty:Bree, stop worrying.I understand what needs to happen now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Danielle's Bedroom] (Danielle is curled up on the window seat. Matthew enters.) Matthew:Danielle? Danielle:Did it work? Matthew: Perfectly.You did great. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House - Daytime] (Betty is unpacking groceries. Matthew walks in.) Matthew:Um, so I got some rates on some mental hospitals around here,and there's one called Silvercrest which actually seems okay. Betty:Put this ham in the fridge,will you?I think I'll make it for dinner. Matthew:Uh, mom,I know you don't wanna talk about this, but we have to.Mrs. Van de Kamp is gonna call the police. Betty:I promised myself I would never institutionalize your brother. Matthew:Mom... Betty:How long do you think it'd be before he'd act out,maybe even hurt somebody?A couple of days? A week?Then they'd throw him in a straitjacket and drug away what's left of his mind.He'd spend the rest of his life at the mercy of strangers. Matthew:But if we don't send him to a hospital,he's gonna end up in prison,and don't you think that's worse? Betty:Yes, of course I do. Matthew:So what the hell are we gonna do? (Betty hands Matthew a bottle of medicine.) Matthew: Phenobarbital? Betty:It's easy.It's painless.It's just a few extra drops.He simply falls asleep.Caleb was meant for a better world than this,Matthew.It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves. (Matthew looks at the bottle, then his mother.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is gently tossing Lily when the doorbell rings.) Gabrielle:Who's the pretty girl?Oh, looks like it's daddy's turn. Solis:(whispering)I got her. Gabrielle:Oh, yes. (Gabrielle hands the baby to Carlos and opens the door. Outside are two officers and a court officer in a suit.) Court Officer:Mrs. Solis? Gabrielle:Yes? Court Officer:We have a court order to take the Collin's baby into custody. Solis:No, no, no,that's a mistake.No, we--we have the paperwork.The birth father signed away his rights. Court Officer:It's the birth mother who's protesting. Gabrielle:What? Court Officer:Until the adoption is legally finalized,the birth mother can still change her mind,and... she has. (They look out to the police car. Libby and Frank get out of the car. Gabrielle runs out to the police car.) Gabrielle:No, no,no, no, no, no! Carlos:Gaby, wait. Gabrielle:You?You don't even wanna be a mother! Libby:Well, look, Frank quit usin', and uh, he got a good job down at the plant.He's really stepped up. Gabrielle:So?! Libby:Well, so we're gonna give the whole family thing a shot.Well,I'll totally give you all your money back. Gabrielle:I don't want my money back.I want my baby! (Carlos hands Lily to a female officer. Libby sees this and starts getting in the car.) Libby:C'mon, let's go. Gabrielle:Carlos!No!Carlos, what's happening? (The female officer carries the baby toward the car. Gabrielle tries to stop her.) Gabrielle:No, no, no, ma'am,you don't understand.You don't understand,This is our baby! (As Gabrielle tries to grab the baby the 2nd officer pulls her away.) Gabrielle:No, we've been--we've been feeding her, and we--we've been bathing her,and we wake up in the middle of the night and we rock her... (The female officer hands Libby the baby.) Gabrielle:...which is crazy,'cause if you knew me,I don't do that.I don't do that.And--and my husband--my husband, he sings to her.(crying) He sings,so you can't take her away.It's too late. We've already fallen in love with her! (Libby gets in the police car. The 2nd officer lets go of Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:(sobbing)Carlos, do something! (The police car starts up and begins to drive away. Gabrielle starts walking toward it. Carlos grabs her as the car drives away.) Gabrielle:No,you can't go!You can't--you can't take her!You can't take her!(sobbing) No!She's our baby!She's our...no!Please! Mary Alice Voiceover:There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[A.A. Meeting] (Everyone is sitting in a circle.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The power of the prayer comes from its insight into human nature...
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Bree:We ask God to grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's House] (The yard is covered with Karl's clothes. Edie comes out the door and throws more clothes.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[A.A. Meeting] Bree:...the courage to change the things we can... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher and Murphy Advertising Agency] (Ed is walking out of his office. He looks over at Lynette and he gets into the elevator.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Because so many of us are cowardly and afraid to stand up for what is right... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[A.A. Meeting] Bree:...and the wisdom to know the difference. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty is standing at the counter, staring at the prescription bottle in her hand, crying.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Because so many of us give in to despair... (Betty puts the bottle in the kitchen drawer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...when faced with an impossible choice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[A.A Meeting] (Peter, sitting next to Bree, takes her hand. Bree smiles at him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos is helping a crying Gabrielle back into the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The bad news is that sometimes... (They go inside and close the door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...the answer is no. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2x21 - I Know Things Now -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "Desperate Housewives" Court Officer:Until the adoption is legally finalized,the birth moth can still change her mind,and he has. Mary Alice Voiceover:Warrants were issued... Ed:I'm going to fire tom. Lynette:If you just fire him,he'll sue you,and I'll back him up.You need cause. Ed:Well,I guess I'll have to find cause.
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Decisions were made... Andrew:I'm going to do something so awful.It is going to rock her world. Mary Alice Voiceover:Threats were spoken... Matthew:So what the hell are we gonna do? Mary Alice Voiceover:And plans... Matthew: Phenobarbital? Betty:It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves. Mary Alice Voiceover:...were put into action. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's Front Yard - Daytime] (Private Investigator Oliver Weston is hiding in the bushes using some sort of listening device.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The most successful private investigator in Fairview was a man named Oliver Weston. Try though he might,Oliver couldn't remember the exact moment he stopped believing in love. (Oliver pulls out a camera and begins taking pictures.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Nighttime] (Late a night, a man and woman start necking in a darkened car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Was it the night he caught an executive cheating with his secretary? (Freeze frame - photo of the executive necking.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Daytime] (Delivery man approaches a young lady standing in her front doorway.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Or was it the day he saw a housewife cheating with her delivery boy? (Freeze frame - photo of the housewife grabbing/kissing the delivery boy.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback] (Young lady in bra and panties standing in front of a window. A man and women enter the picture as the girl removes her bra.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Or was it the time he caught the girl next door cheating with the couple who lived across the street? (Freeze frame - on the threesome. Oliver is behind a tree taking the picture.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Whenever the moment, Oliver Weston was now officially a cynic... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present] Mary Alice Voiceover:...who only believed in betrayal and suspicion. (Oliver is taking a picture of Karl and Susan in Susan's garage.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Luckily for Oliver,that's what paid his bills. Susan:Okay,Stop that. (Oliver's camera is blocked. He focuses upward onto Mike's face.) Mike:What are you doing? Oliver:Oh. Sorry,man.Are these your bushes?I'll clean that all up when I'm done.It'll be like I was not here. (Mike grabs Oliver by the lapels and pulls him out of the bushes.) Mike:You're done now. Oliver:Whoa,easy,big fella.I'm just a P.I. Doing a domestic surveillance job. Mike:For who? Oliver:The blonde lady at the end of the street.
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Mike:Edie Britt? Oliver:Yeah. That's her fianc? (Mike looks toward Susan's house.) Oliver:Apparently,he dumped her for another woman,and I just figured out who. Mike:Susan?There's nothing going on there.They used to be married.She's only talking to him because they have a kid together. Oliver:From what I heard,they're on their way to kid number two. Mike:Well,you don't know what you're talking about. Oliver:Yeah,and you don't know these soccer moms like I do.By day,they bake cookie and carpool.But dim the lights and bam--they turn into total pigs. (He squeals, imitating a pig.) Mike:She's not like that. Oliver:Oh,please. Look at her.That woman clearly knows her way around a mattress. (Mike punches Oliver, who falls down.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes,Oliver Weston had become a cynic,which is why he couldn't recognize a man who was still in love. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Late Night] (Outside the Applewhite house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Every family has a way of hiding what it doesn't want seen... (Panning to a painting on a wall.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Whether it's with a picture that covers a stain on the wall... (Panning to a closet door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or with a closet door that conceals the chaos inside... (Panning to a photograph of Betty, Matthew and Caleb all smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or with artificial smiles that mask years of pain and heartache. (Panning to another photograph of the three, again smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Every family goes to great lengths to hide ugly truths. (Betty opens a desk drawer to reveal a medication bottle which she picks up.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Some,of course,go further than others. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty takes a pint of ice cream out of the freezer. She scoops out the ice cream into a bowl.) Matthew:So are you gonna do this tonight? Betty:No,the ice cream is for tomorrow.I'm taking caleb on a picnic to Rockwater Lake.I'm preparing all of his favorite foods. Matthew:So when you're done,you're just gonna...leave him lying there? (Betty pours the phenobarbital into the bowl of ice cream.) Betty:No.I'll call 9-1-1 anonymously,but I will be watching from a distance to make sure that... that they pick up his body. Matthew:You know,mom,you don't have to do this. Betty:I won't let him hurt another girl,and I will not turn him over to people who will mock and abuse him.I just won't. (Betty begins scooping the ice cream back into the pint container. She covers the container.)
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Betty:His last day on this earth is going to be a perfect one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Xiao-Mei is crying while scooping some casserole onto a plate. She offers it to Gabrielle. Bree, Lynette, Susan and Edie are standing around the kitchen counter that's covered with dishes of food.) Gabrielle:Oh,no,thanks,Xiao-mei.The poor thing.She was so attached to Lily. Susan:Where'd all this food come from? Gabrielle:The people from Carlos' church. Lynette:So you think you and Carlos will try for another adoption? Gabrielle:I don't think I could go through that pain again.I did freeze some of my eggs,so we might do the surrogacy thing,but I don't know. Bree:Honey,you've got to eat something. Gabrielle:I don't have an appetite.In fact,this is all gonna go to waste.You guys should take something. Lynette:No,no,you should keep it. Edie:I'll take a couple. (The other three ladies look at her.) Edie:What?Karl dumped me,so I'm alone.Food fills the void. (Xiao-Mei is standing behind them reading a letter. She begins to cry.) Gabrielle:Xiao-meI,I appreciate your grief,but,really,you're bringing everybody down.Will you pull it together? Xiao-Mei:Mrs. Solis... (She hands Gabrielle the letter, which Gabrielle reads.) Gabrielle:I don't understand.It's from the government. (Lynette takes the letter.) Lynette: Let me see.Gaby,she's being deported.Xiao-mei,is this the first letter like this you've received? (Xiao-Mei walks over the a drawer and opens it. She pulls out a large stack of letters. Everyone gasps as she hands them to Gaby.) Gabrielle:Oh,my...this can't be happening. Xiao-Mei:I can't go home!My uncle will sell me again. Gabrielle:Oh,no,no,Xiao-mei,you're not going anywhere.Hey,you're much too important to Carlos and me. We're gonna fight this and we're gonna win. Bree:Gaby,you can't promise her that. Gabrielle:Bree,you heard what she said.I can't let this poor kid go back to China and become someone's slave. Xiao-Mei:Thank you. (Xiao-Mei leans in for a hug. Gabrielle hugs her, pats her back, then pushes her gently away.) Gabrielle:All right.Look,my friends wanna take some of this to go,so pack it up,and we're a little low on coffee. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Lynette uncovers the macaroni and cheese platter from Gabrielle's house. She spoons some onto Tom's plate.) Tom:You're actually gonna let me eat this? Lynette:Well,you've been working so hard,off on business trips all the time.Tonight,we throw caution and cholesterol to the wind.You deserve a little comfort food. (Lynette kisses the top of Tom's head.) Tom:Oh,no,you're pregnant? Lynette:God,your mind goes to dark places.
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Tom:Honey,you just served me a plate of full-fat gouda.What's up? Lynette:Okay,well...remember I was helping Ed spark up his love life? Tom:Yeah,you sent his wife those sexy I.M.s. Why? Lynette:Well,Fran found out that Ed didn't send them,and she blew her top.She wants the responsible party fired,and Ed lied and told her...that you sent them. Tom:But--but it wasn't me.It was you. Lynette:I know. Tom:Oh,oh,but Ed couldn't possibly lose you.No,no,no,I'm the expendable one. Lynette: Look,I know it's ridiculous,but Ed is not a rational person.Fran has him whipped,and a whipped husband is someone we must take very seriously. Tom:Okay.How do we handle this? Lynette:You're under contract.Ed can't fire you unless he has just cause.So until this blows over,you have to be a model employee.Show up on time,no more 3-martini lunches,and above all,have ready all your presentations. Tom:I can't believe I'm being victimized like this. Lynette:Well,honey,in all fairness...those are all things you should be doing anyway. Tom:Fine! (Tom walks away. He comes back, grabs his plate and the bottle of wine and stomps out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is serving dinner.) Bree:Andrew,I am having Peter over for dinner tomorrow night,and I was wondering if you would like to invite Justin? Andrew:Yeah. Um,thanks.I'll--I'll call him tonight. Danielle:Since you two are having your boyfriends over,can I invite Matthew? Bree:Out of the question. Danielle:So let me get this straight--you can date a lush,and he can bring over his gay lover,but God forbid I date a hot black guy. Bree:Until they lock Caleb up,I don't want you anywhere near that family. Andrew:His brother tried to rape you,and his mother keeps the guy locked up in a basement.I mean,let's face it,Danielle,even you could do better. Danielle:Since when do you take mom's side over mine? Bree:Your brother and I had a talk,and we've come to a detente of sorts. Danielle:Really? Even after she screwed you out of your trust fund? Bree:Well,he did falsely accuse me of child abuse.I would say we're even.Wouldn't you,Andrew? Andrew:Sure,mom. We're even. (Bree leaves the room. Andrew laughs quietly.) Danielle:You can stop smiling now.I know your face is tired. Andrew:What? Danielle:I'm not stupid.I know you hate her now as much as ever. Andrew:Mom and I are in a good place right now.Why can't you believe that? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Susan is at his door.) Susan:Hi. I got your message.What's up? Mike:Come on in.This is Oliver Weston.He's a P.I. Edie hired.
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Susan:Edie hired A... P.I.? Mike:Yeah. He's been spying on you and Karl. Susan:How you doing? Mike:He thinks you two have been having an affair. Susan:Me and Karl?Why would you think that? (Oliver pushes the ":Play" button on a tape recorder.) Karl (on the tape):Come on,Suze. You know we're meant to be together. Susan (on the tape):Karl,just stop. Susan:Well...that is Karl being nostalgic. Karl (on the tape):You said yourself,the sex last week was the best you ever had. (Oliver pushes the "Stop" button.) Susan:Okay,um...first of all,it was not the best sex I ever had.I just said that to make him feel better.(whispering)Obviously,you were the best sex I ever had. Oliver:That explains the punch in the face. Mike:I'm gonna hit you again if you don't shut up. Susan:I know that this looks bad-Mike:You were actually fooling around with Karl behind Edie's back. Susan:No,no,no!No,Karl lied to me.He told me that he and Edie had split up before-Mike:You know what?I don't even care. Susan:Mike... (Mike opens his front door.) Oliver:Are we done here? Mike:Yeah. (Oliver leaves.) Mike:Good night,Susan. (Susan leaves and runs after Oliver.) Susan:Hey! Hey,you,wait,wait,wait. Um...okay,you cannot tell Edie about this.Whatever she's paying you,I'll pay you double. Oliver:She paid a 2-grand retainer plus expenses. Susan: $2,000?Jeez! I gotta get into real estate.Okay,I don't have that kind of cash. Oliver:Well,then,I guess I take the tape to Miss Britt. (Susan grabs the tape out of Oliver's hand and runs.) Oliver:I have a copy! (Susan walks back and hands the tape to Oliver. Mike is looking out his window.) Susan:Okay,let's try this another way.You are about to unleash a nuclear explosion.Lives are going to be ruined. Oliver:I'll tell you what.I'll hold off till Monday to report to Ms. Britt. Susan:Yes! Oliver:That'll give you some time to scrape together a little cash. Susan:What if I can't? (Oliver makes an explosion noise.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------U.S. Department of Homeland Security (Carlos and Gabrielle are in the office of a government official.) Officer:I'm sorry,but Xiao-mei missed all of her appeal deadlines. Carlos:So tt's it? You're just gonna send her back to China?
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My hands are tied.If your maid were married to an American citizen,or had a child who was an American citizen,or if she were a well-known entertainer... GabrielleWhat if she was pregnant with an American citizen? (Carlos and Gabrielle look at each other.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Xiao-Mei is doing her housework when Gabrielle and Carlos walk in.) Gabrielle:Uh,Xiao-mei?We spoke to homeland security,and we have good news! Xiao-Mei:I can stay? Gabrielle:Mmm hmm. Xiao-Mei:Oh! thank you! (She grabs Gabrielle and hugs her.) Gabrielle:Oh! Okay. Xiao-Mei:Thank you! Gabrielle:Uh... well,there's just one little thing...the immigration laws have gotten really tough in this country,so we're a little behind the eight ball going in.But we pled your case,and we fought tooth and nail,and the law says you can stay...but only if you have our baby. Xiao-Mei:What? Carlos:The agent said that if you were...pregnant with an American citizen,then they couldn't deport you. Gabrielle:So we thought,you need a baby in your belly,we need a surrogate...win-win-win. Xiao-Mei:"sur-ro-gate"? Gabrielle:Oh,well,it would be our baby.It would just be growing inside of you. (Xiao-Mei looks confused.) Xiao-Mei:I... Gabrielle:Okay,uh... well...Okay,it's like this...the three of us are making your famous Szechuan dumplings,and I'm the dough,and Carlos is the pork,and you're the oven. Xiao-Mei:I have baby?! Carlos:Okay,we take care of everything.You know,uh,hospital bills and maternity clothes and lamaze classes.And,of course,you wouldn't have to do any work. Gabrielle:Well,uh,maybe just a little light dusting.Nothing major. Xiao-Mei:No! Gabrielle:No,Xiao-mei,you don't have a choice.It's either this or go back to China. Xiao-Mei:No to baby!No! (She runs out of the room, crying.) Carlos:You had to push the dusting,didn't you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is preparing hors d'erves while talking on the phone.) Bree: Peter,I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. Peter:It's not like I'gonna advertise my addiction history,but if your kids ask a direct question,I'm not gonna lie to them. (Andrew walks in.) Right! Uh-huh. Good point. (Andrew leaves the room.) Bree: Listen,I don't expect you to lie about the alcoholism.I mean,they know that's how we met.It's just...you know,the other thing.
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Peter:Oh! The other thing. Bree:They're just getting to know you,and so I want them to focus on your good qualities.I just don't know how they'll react if they find out that you're a sex addict. (In the other room, Andrew is listening in on the extension. He smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Andrew is sitting on the steps. Danielle comes home.) Danielle:What are you so happy about? Andrew:You know how you were mad at mom about not letting Matthew come to dinner? Danielle:Yeah? Andrew:I just figured out the funniest way for you to get back at her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher & Murphy Conference Room] Ed:Okay,what's on the schedule for today? Tom:I have got the Boston Toy presentation ready to go. Ed:Actually,I don't have time for a full pitch,so just give me the gist. Tom:Excuse me? Ed:You know,boil it down.Give me one line. Tom:Okay,basically,it's "Toys are fun." Ed:I hate it. Tom:How can you hate it?I only gave you three words. Ed:It's three words I hate.Okay,I'm gonna take over the Boston Toy company account. Tom:No,you cannot take over-Ed:In the meantime,you should all be aware I don't like the way you people have been filing your expense reports.There's been a lot of padding meanwhile,this company is hemorrhaging money.I'm gonna put a stop to it,so I have hired a forensic accountant.He's gonna go through them,make sure everything's kosher. And I find one receipt,one bar tab that's fishy,it's grounds for dismissal.Oh,Scavo?He's gonna start with you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Office] Lynette:I can't believe that son of a bitch hired a forensic accountant.He's more whipped than I thought. Well,he's tragically underestimated us.The gloves are coming off. Tom:You know,maybe I should just quit. Lynette:What? Yesterday you were up in arms.Now you're ready to cave? Tom:If Ed is determined to get me,sooner or later,he's gonna get me.It's just a matter of time. Lynette:No,no!We are not backing down.I'm gonna walk over to Ed's office right now,and I'm gonna make very clear that if you're out the door,I'm right behind ya. Tom:We can't both be unemployed. Lynette:Oh,it'll never happen.He knows this place will go down like a house of cards without me. Tom:Honey,wait. Just wait! Lynette:What,what? Tom:I'm not gonna hide behind my wife's skirt. Lynette:We're a team.I'm just lending support. Tom:That's not the way it's gonna look to everybody else out there.Look,let me talk to him,man to man.If my way doesn't work,then we'll do it your way. Lynette:Okay,go get him. (Tom walks into Ed's office as Lynette watches. Ed gets out from behind his desk and talks with Tom. Tom
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punches Ed and knocks him down.) Oh,my god!Oh,my god!Tom,what happened? Tom:I think i gave him just cause. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan is getting some stationary out.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan knew she couldn't afford to keep the P.I.From revealing her affair with Karl,and since Edie would learn the truth anyway,Susan felt it would be better if it came from her... (Susan begins writing "Dear Edie" on the paper.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...which is how she came to write a letter begging Edie for forgiveness. (Susan walks to a mailbox.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Her words were so sincere and heartfelt,from the moment she mailed it,Susan knew... (Susan throws the letter addressed to Edie into the mailbox. A horn honks and Edie waves as she drives by.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...she was a dead woman. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rockwater Lake - Daytime] (Betty and Caleb are on a picnic by the lake. Caleb is eating from the pint of ice cream Betty packed.) Betty:You know,Caleb...since the day you were born,I've always thought of you as a blessing.You do know that,right? Caleb:I guess.How come Matty's not here? Betty:Because this is our special day,just you and me. Caleb:Is he mad at me?'Cause of Danielle? Betty:No. He knows that you didn't mean to scare her. Caleb:'Cause he said it was okay for me to kiss her. Betty:What did you say? Caleb:He said Danielle liked me and that she wouldn't fight me if I gave her a kiss. (Betty stops Caleb from eating the ice cream.) Betty:Your brother told you that? Caleb:Matty said that she was waiting for me and that she wanted a really big kiss. Betty:What else did your brother tell you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Xiao-Mei's Room] (Xiao-Mei is lying on the bed. Gabrielle brings in some cocoa.) Gabrielle:Xiao-mei?I made you some hot cocoa.I guess the baby thing didn't really appeal to you,huh?I know it's a lot to ask,it's just,Carlos and I think of you as family.Don't you think of us as family? Xiao-Mei:Oh,yes!You are like mother to me. Gabrielle:Mm hmm.Well,if we are so friggin' close,what's the big deal?It's nine months out of your life. Xiao-Mei:I will be ruined. Gabrielle:"Ruined"? Xiao-Mei: Down there. Gabrielle:Wait.Are you a virgin? Xiao-Mei:If I have baby,I will be shamed. Gabrielle:Are you kidding?No one cares about virginity in this country.It went out of style in the '50s,and trust me,honey,it ain't making a comeback.Seriously,no one cares. Xiao-Mei:Husband would care.No man want me if I ruined.I want husband so much. Gabrielle:Well,what kind of husband do you want?Do you want a rich husband?Well,then,rich men don't
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marry virgins for the same reasons they don't hire chauffeurs who can't drive--they value experience. Xiao-Mei:Really? Gabrielle:Would I lie to family? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ed's Office - Nighttime] Lynette:Here are the numbers you wanted. Ed: Lynette,wait.Have you heard from Tom? Lynette:He's not answering his cell phone.But you don't have to worry,okay?You got what you wanted.He's out of the building. Ed:Come in here and close the door. Lynette:You sure?I might punch you,too. Ed:I'll take my chances. Lynette:If this is where you want me to apologize for my husband,I'm not gonna do it.Maybe he shouldn't have hit you,but you provoked him. Ed:Now wait a minute-Lynette:No! I'm sorry,Tom gets punished beuse you can't deal with your screwed-up marriage.It is pathetic,Ed.If you had stood up to your wife in the first place,none of this--what? Ed:I love it.You're giving me crap about my marriage.You know what? Here!Oh,the forensic accountant found some interesting stuff in Tom's expense reports.Yeah,it seems on his last three trips east,he cashed in his first-class ticket and took a detour to Atlantic City. Lynette:What? That can't be right. Ed:Well,it's all there--hotels,bar tabs.Oh,and on this page...two tickets to a show.And flowers. Lynette:That doesn't make any sense.There's gotta be some kind of an explanation for this. Ed:Before you pass judgment on someone else's marriage,I'd clean up my own house first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree, Peter, Andrew, and Justin are sitting at the table.) Bree:Sorry,I don't know what's taking Danielle so long to get dressed. Andrew:Just give her a break,mom.I'm sure she's just trying to look nice for our company. Peter:Well,I hope she doesn't get too dressed up.I like people to be comfortable. (Danielle walks in wearing a skimpy dress.) Danielle:Oh,I'm comfortable. Bree:Honey,what are you wearing? Danielle:You got me this for Christmas.Don't you remember? Bree:Yes,I just--I'm worried you might be a little cold. Danielle:Oh,I think it's plenty warm in here.Don't you,Mr. Mcmillan? Peter:Sure. Andrew:Well,uh,we should probably start eating.We don't want our frittatas to get cold. Bree:Right. Good. Um,sorry.Everybody,dig in. Peter: Does anybody else think this salsa's a little too spicy? Danielle:I always say,the hotter,the better." (Peter stares at Danielle and looks at her cleavage.) Andrew:So,Mr. Mcmillan,I hear you went to Perkins College.I'm thinking about going there after I graduate. Peter:Uh,Perkins,huh?I was there.Yeah,I made it to every party,and I went to classes in my spare time.No,actually,it's a great college.I think you'd like it. (Bree puts her hand on Peter's knee under the table.)
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Bree:Isn't this wonderful?Good food,pleasant conversation...this really is a very special night. (Danielle puts her hand on Peter's other knee under the table.) Danielle:I feel the same way. Andrew:So,Peter,is it growing? Peter:What? Andrew:Uh,the campus. Has it grown at all since you've been there? (Danielle raises her hand higher on Peter's leg.) Peter:Yeah,it's,uh...it's grown...con-considerably. Andrew:I would just love to get my hands on a brochure. (Danielle raises her hand higher.) Peter:The alumni association is always sending me stuff,you know.I'll--I'll get you something! (Danielle's hand is almost to Peter's crotch. Peter jumps up.) Bree:Oh,my god,are you okay? Peter:I just remembered,you know,this guy I'm sponsoring--he said he needed to see me tonight,so I should go to him. Bree:Well,I guess that's important,so-Peter:Yeah,so I should go.No need to show me out. Bree:What a shame.I really wanted him to have a chance to get to know you guys. Danielle: Don't worry,I...I think we made an impression. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parcher & Murphy - Nighttime] (Tom is in his office, packing a box.) Lynette:Hey. Hey!I didn't know if you were coming back. Tom:I waited until the parking lot cleared. Lynette:So,um...what happened?You said you were just gonna go in there and talk to him. Tom:I know,I know.I know I shouldn't have hit him.But...what's done is done. Lynette:Anything else going on? Tom: Like what? Lynette:I don't know.Anything you wanna talk about?'Cause there's nothing you couldn't tell me.I would understand. Tom:No,I feel good about this.It's okay,'cause I didn't fit in around here anyway.I'm gonna get another job someplace else.Everything's good.And you,I love. Lynette:I love you,too. (Tom walks to the elevator.) Lynette:You know what's weird? Tom:No,what? Lynette:In all the years we have been married,I have never seen you lead with your fists. Tom:Well...maybe I still got some surprises in me. Lynette:Maybe you do. (The elevator door closes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty walks in.) Matthew:Is it done? Betty:We can mourn your brother later.Right now there are things that still need to be done. (Later, Matthew and Betty walk down the basement stairs.)
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Betty:We need to get rid of everything...mattress,clothes,all of it. (Betty and Matthew go to the basement. Matthew goes into Caleb's old locked room. Betty closes the door from the outside and locks it.) Matthew:Mom,the--the door's locked. Betty:I know. Matthew:Mom,you need to open this door right now!Mom! (Matthew bangs on the door. Betty walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House - Nighttime] (Caleb is sitting in the car. He looks at the house, then turns and looks out the car window.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Carlos comes downstairs in his robe.) Gabrielle:Honey,why aren't you dressed yet?We have to be at the fertility clinic in 40 minutes! Carlos:Aw,shoot! Is that today? Gabrielle:And,uh,give Xiao-mei a kick in the pants.I haven't seen her all morning. (Carlos in the bathroom washing his hands. Xiao-Mei walks in wearing a bathrobe.) Carlos:Hey.Today's the,uh,big day.You ready to,uh,make a baby? (Xiao-Mei takes off the robe. She is naked. Carlos stares at her. ) Xiao-MeiReady. (She runs into the bedroom and gets into bed.) Xiao-Mei: Please...be gentle. (She lifts the covers and as Carlos stares at her naked body, Gabrielle walks in. She is shocked to see a naked Xiao-Mei in their bed.) Gabrielle:Honey,come on.We're gonna be late. Carlos:Hmm,ah.I think she's confused as to how we're gonna make this baby happen. Gabrielle:Oh. And were you planning on setting her straight? Carlos:Next thing out of my mouth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Andrew walks into Danielle's room.) Andrew:Come on!The guy's ready to explode. Danielle:I don't care. I'm not sleeping with mom's boyfriend. Andrew:You can't back out now.You were great the other night.You got Peter on the hook.He's primed. Danielle:I was just messing with his head to get back at mom.That's all. Andrew:Yeah,but why stop there?She's keeping you from Matthew.Now,come on,she deserves this. Danielle:I'm not that stupid.Go grind your own ax. (The doorbell rings.) Andrew:That's him.I don't have time for this crap.Now strip down to your bra and panties now. Danielle:Get out of my room,you psycho! (Andrew walks into the kitchen.) Andrew:Um,my mom won't be back for a while,so you probably don't wanna wait around. Peter:Well,that's okay.I just wanted to make sure you got the Perkins catalog.Uh,your mom told me that you're going on a tour there tomorrow. Andrew:Yeah. Peter:You're gonna love it.The campus is beautiful,the teachers are amazing,and the student body is such a
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great mix.You know,they're all about diversity. Andrew:Whatever.All right,well,I'll let my mom know you stopped by. Peter:Okay.Andrew...I also wanted to apologize for leaving so fast the other night.I...I started to get the feeling that your sister was coming on to me,which was upsetting because-Andrew:You're a sex addict? Peter:Your mom told you about that? Andrew: Let's just say the word's out.But,m,I'm curious.Back in the day,what kind of stuff were you into? Peter:I don't know that I wanna talk about that. Andrew:Well,I just wanna make sure you're not into anything too freaky.You know,I mean,you are dating my mom,and I'm kinda protective of her. Peter:Well,you can relax.I mean,I wasn't some sort of pervert,you know.All I can say is...I went through a dark period,and I slept with a whole lot of people. Andrew: People? Peter:What's wrong? Andrew:No,it's just that when most guys discuss their conquests,they don't say "people." Peter:Oh,well... Andrew:No,it's okay.I appreciate the fact that you value...diversity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Mike knocks on the door.) Susan:Who is it? Mike:Mike.Susan? Susan:Hi. Sorry.I'm just on the lookout for Edie. Mike:Oh,well,you can relax.Edie won't be coming after you. Susan:Why? Mike:I talked to the P.I.,And he's not gonna tell her anything. Susan:What did you say? Mike:I paid him off,so it's over.I just thought you should know. Susan:Well,wait.Why would you do that? Mike: People will just get hurt if it gets out.I didn't see the point. (As Mike walks away, Susan sees the mailman approaching. Susan gets some iced tea and goes outside just as the mailman is opening her mailbox.) Susan (to herself ):Come on,come on,come on. Susan:Hey there.You look thirsty. (Inside Susan's house, the mailman drinks the iced tea.) Gus:This is really nice of you,Mrs. Mayer.To be honest with you,I wasn't even sure that you liked me. Susan:And you know why? Because we're all so busy and detached from each other.You're at my house every day,and sure,we wave and we say hello,but we barely even know each other.How long have you been delivering my mail,for god's sake? Gus:Three and a half weeks. Susan:Really?It seems like forever.Let me top you off. Gus:Oh,no,I couldn't.This is my third glass. I...seriously,I'm sloshin'. Susan:Well,you probably wanna use the bathroom before you leave,huh? Gus:No,I'm good. Susan:Are you sure?Uh,I mean,you have such a long route,and that ice tea's gonna go right through ya.It's better here than Mrs. Mccluskey's hydrangeas.
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Gus:Well,you know,uh...maybe I will use your bathroom. Susan:Great! Oh,the one down here is broken.Why don't you use the one upstairs?It's right off my bedroom. Gus:Yeah.Okay.Got it. (Gus goes upstairs. Susan waits until he's out of sight, then goes through his mail sack and pulls out the letter she wrote to Edie. She breathes a sigh of relief. She tucks the letter into her own stack of mail and sits back down.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Fertility Clinic] Carlos:I still can't believe it.I mean,why would Xiao-mei just offer herself up to me like that? Gabrielle:Well,honey,she's a virgin.Who knows why virgins do anything? Carlos:She's a virgin?Are you serious? Gabrielle:Yeah. I wouldn't just slam her for no reason. Nurse:Mr. Solis?It's time to collect your D.N.A. Gabrielle:Oh! Okay,honey,only good swimmers now. Nurse:If you like,we have a variety of magazines and videos available. (Carlos looks over at Xiao-Mei.) Carlos:I think I'm good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan is still sitting at her kitchen table waiting for Gus to come down.) Susan:Gus? Are you okay up there? (She goes upstairs and finds Gus lying on her bed while in his boxer shorts and undershirt.) Susan:Gus! Gus:Uh,do you want me to keep the hat on?I know it's a fantasy for some women. Susan:Uh. (Downstairs, Julie comes in. She sees the mail sack on the table.) Julie:Mom?Is the mailman here? Susan (to Gus):That's my daughter.Get dressed! Julie:Mom? Susan:Yes,honey!Gus the mailman is here!He's using the bathroom.He'll be down in a minute.(to Gus)Oh! darn it.Guess we'll have to take a rain check,huh? Gus:I can come back on Tuesday. Susan:Tu-Tuesday?No,no,Tuesday's not good,'cause Tuesday's the day I,um...become a lesbian. (Downstairs, Julie goes through the delivered mail. She finds the one addressed to Edie and puts it back into the mail sack before walking away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree comes home and calls out.) Bree:Andrew?Honey,where are you?I got your message.What's the emergency?Andrew?Andrew? (Bree goes upstairs and finds Andrew in her bed.) Bree:Andrew?Honey,what are you doing in my bed? (Peter comes out of the bathroom wearing only a pair of boxer shorts.) Peter:Have you seen my pants?I can't find-(A shocked Bree looks at Andrew. He smiles.) Andrew:Now we're even. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Outside Bree's House] (Bree closes the trunk of her car as Andrew approaches.) Bree: Did you forget that we're supposed to take that tour of Perkins College today? Andrew:Seriously?After last night,I didn't exactly think you'd be too keen on sitting next to me in a car for three hours. Bree:Consider me a cheerleader for anything that expedites me getting you out from under my roof. Andrew:Glad we can come to an understanding. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Deserted Road] (Bree's drives down the road. She stops at what looks like an abandoned gas station and turns off the engine.) Andrew:Why'd we stop here?We have half a tank left. Bree:There's so many things I wanna say to you,Andrew.But mostly,I just want you to know how sorry I am. Andrew:Sorry for what? Bree:Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally,and I thought that was the kind of love that I had for you.Maybe if I had,it would've been different. Andrew:Why do I suddenly get the feeling we're not gonna make it out to Perkins College today? (Bree gets out of the car and walks to the trunk. Andrew follows.) Andrew: What are you doing? Bree:I packed up some of your things.There's also,um,an envelope in here with some money,and that should tide you over until you get a job. Andrew: What,you're gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere? Bree:I noticed a bus stop about a mile back.You can go anywhere you want. Andrew: Mama,mom,please don't do this. Bree:I have to.I can't be around you anymore.I'm just not strong enough. (She starts to turn away from him.) Andrew: You know what the good news is?I win. Bree:You win? Andrew: I remember the look in your eyes when I told you I was gay,and I knew that one day,you would stop loving me.So here we are.I was right and I... I win. Bree:Well,good for you. (Bree gets into the car, starts the engine, and drives away. In the rearview mirror, she sees Andrew standing all alone by the side of the road and she begins to cry.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's House - Nighttime] (Edie comes out and gets her mail. She finds the letter Susan wrote and reads it. She crushes the envelope.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House - Nighttime] Susan:Hi. I made you a thank-you pie,and by "made,"I mean "bought." (She walks into Mike's house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's House] (As Susan goes into Mike's house, Edie comes out of the bushes. She opens Susan's garage door, sprinkles gasoline all over the garage, goes inside, and pours gasoline all over the house then lights a match.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House]
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(Susan is cutting a piece of pie for Mike.) Mike:So what exactly are you thanking me for? Susan:For keeping Edie from smashing my face in.That's the nicest thing anybody ever did for me. Mike:Just... trying to keep peace on the lane. Susan:Well,you keep telling yourself that.I know why you really paid that guy off.You still care about me. Mike:What? Susan:You're always worried about Julie and me,and you beat up my new boyfriend.And now you're protecting me from Edie.Do you know what all that means? Mike:That you're high maintenance? Susan:All right,you go ahead and be coy. Fine.I'll be the one to break the ice.I've never stopped caring about you. Mike:Is that why you jumped in bed with Karl? Susan:I would've never even gone there if I had thought there was a chance with us.You just closed the door so completely,I...ugh,can we just not talk about him?Have some more pie.I know you like pie.I know you like me.Listen...I'm not asking for us to get back together.I just want us to be friends. Mike:Susan? Susan:Yes? Mike:Your house is on fire. (They run out to Susan's burning house.) Susan:My whole house is... on fire! Mary Alice Voiceover:When the truth is ugly,people try to keep it hidden,because they know if revealed,the damage it will do.So they conceal it within sturdy walls...or they place it behind closed doors...or they obscure it with clever disguises...but truth,no matter how ugly,always emerges... (A fire truck pulls up in front of Susan's house. Various neighbors watch as Susan's house burns.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...and someone we care about always ends up getting hurt... (Edie stands in her house, watching out her window while drinking a glass of wine.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...and someone else will revel in their pain,and that's the ugliest truth of all. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 2x22 - No One Is Alone -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "Desperate Housewives" Ed:It seems on his last three trips east,he cashed in his first-class ticket and took a detour to Atlantic City. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette received some disturbing news... Caleb:He said it was okay for me to kiss her. Betty:What else did your brother tell you? Mary Alice Voiceover:Caleb revealed a secret... Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan made a first class confession... Andrew:You're going to leave me out here in the middle of nowhere? Bree:I can't be around you anymore.I'm just not strong enough. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Bree made the most difficult decision of her life. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Outside Susan's Burnt House - Daytime] (Susan is rummaging through the remnants of her home. She finds a picture of Gabrielle, Bree, Mary Alice, Lynette, and herself in happy times.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan Mayer had always believed the one good thing about hard times is that you get to find out who your friends really are. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Susan's House] (Susan is sitting on her couch crying. Bree is standing next to her with a plate of cookies.) Mary Alice Voiceover:When her grandmother died, it was Bree who brought homemade cookies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Susan's House] (A depressed-looking Susan is reading the newspaper. Gabrielle is standing close by and a handsome, muscular man in a tank top is massaging Susan's shoulders.) Mary Alice Voiceover:When the critics panned her third book,it was Gabrielle who hired the handsome masseur. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Susan's House] (Susan is reading her divorce degree. Lynette is pouring her a drink.) Mary Alice Voiceover:When her divorce became final, it was Lynette who poured the scotch. (Lynette takes the glass and hands Susan the bottle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Susan's Burnt House] (Susan continues looking at the photo of her and the girls.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Sadly, Susan's life had been shattered once again...but as always, her friends had come to help pick up the pieces. (Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle are working around the damaged yard salvaging anything left. ) Gabrielle:Susan?We've all been talking.We've decided you and Julie should stay with Bree. Susan:Oh, thanks. No, that's okay.We'll stay at a motel. Bree:Absolutely not.Just give me an hour or two to straighten up Andrew's room,and then you can bring your... selves over. Susan:I don't deserve friends like you. Lynette:We're aware of that. (Orson comes out of the burnt house with a full trash bags.) Orson:Susan, you're running low on trash bags.I'm going to run to the store. Susan:Thanks, Orson.Thanks for coming.You know,you didn't have to do this. Orson:Hey, it's my pleasure. (Mike and Tom are working nearby. Mike overhears Orson and looks at him. Bud Penrod from Town and Country Insurance approaches Susan, handing her a card.) Bud:Mrs. Mayer!Hi. Bud Penrod,Town and Country Insurance--The "Can-Do" people. Susan:Oh, it's nice to meet you. Bud:Yeah. Look at that.Well, that's no fun at all,is it? Susan:No. No, it isn't.So when am I gonna get the check?'Cause I have a lot of rebuilding to do.I need to get started. Bud:Yeah, well, I'm afraid that's going to be a while.You see, the fire department has ruled that this was arson. Susan:Arson?
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YBud:eah. So we can't give you any money until we finish our investigation. Susan:Who would wanna burn down my house? Bud:I don't know.Do you have any enemies? Susan:No. No, look,the whole neighborhood turned out to help.I'm very popular. Bud:And there's no one among them that wishes you ill? Susan:Oh, no, no.Everybody's been very helpful.Um, everybody likes me.Absolutely... (Susan looks down Wisteria Lane. Edie is standing across the street eating a popsicle with a smug look on her face, staring at Susan. Susan freezes.) Susan:...everyone. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, hard times were what Susan used to distinguish who was a friend and who wasn't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover:Not everyone enjoys being a small part of a large community. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park] (A bees nest is in the tree.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Indeed, some yearn to leave the stress and noise of constant companionship behind them (One lone bee flies from the nest toward Wisteria Lane.) Mary Alice Voiceover:So they strike out on their own, hoping their solitude will bring a little peace and quiet. (The bee flies toward Felicia, who is raking her yard.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It's only then they discover how dangerous it is... (Felicia knocks the bee to the ground and crushes it with her foot.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...to be alone in the world. (Felicia looks next door and sees Zach taking out the trash. She pulls off her gloves and hurries over to Paul's house, going in through the back door.) (In the kitchen, she begins searching the kitchen cupboards and drawers. In one of the cupboards, she finds various keys hanging on a hook, all neatly labeled, and she takes the key marked "house.") Paul:Zach, did you get the trash? (Upon hearing Paul's voice, Felicia grabs a bag of flour out of the cupboard just as Paul walks into the kitchen.) Paul:How'd you get in here? Felicia:Hiya, Paul.I stood at the back door shouting and shouting.Were you in the little boys room? Paul:I'm calling the police. Felicia:No need. I just needed to borrow some flour.I'm a little bit psychic,and I predict fresh-baked cookies in your future. (Zach walks in just as Felicia walks out.) Felicia:Zachary. Zach:What'd she want? Paul:She was in the cupboard.Get a trash bag.We're throwing everything away. Zach:You think she was trying to poison us? Paul:All I know is we're eating out tonight. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House]
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(Edie is changing a light bulb on the front porch when Susan approaches.) Edie:What do you want? Susan:This is a little awkward,and I apologize in advance for how this is gonna sound,but um...by any chance,did... you burn down my house? Edie:Yes. Susan:What? Edie:Yes, I burnt down your house,you sleazy little whore. Susan:Edie!Why would you do that?! Edie:Can you blame me,after sending me that acid letter? Susan: Letter? What letter? Edie:From one where you admitted to stabbing me in the back by sleeping with Karl. Susan:You weren't supposed to get that.I stole that back from the mailman. Edie:So you were trying to hide the truth from me? Susan:This is not what we should focus on right now.The point is, you maliciously set fire to my house. Edie: Look, I admit I might have...overreacted a tad. Susan:A tad?Edie, I have no roof!You can't just go around burning down people's homes. Edie:Why not?You burnt down my home.You stole Mike from me.You slept with my fianc!That's the trifecta.You're lucky I didn't torch your car. Susan:That's it.I'm going to the police,and I'm telling them what you did. Edie: Did what?I didn't do anything. Susan:What? You just confessed. Edie:No, I didn't.Did anyone else hear me confess? Hello?Hello?No witnesses.No evidence, no confession.I guess we're done here.You can go home now.Oh, wait. That's right.You don't have one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Xiao-mei is serving lunch to Carlos and Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:No, no, Xiao-mei,I've told you a million times.No red meat for Mr. Solis. Carlos:My triglycerides are through the roof. Gabrielle:Sweetie,I need some more cream. (Xiao-mei gets the cream and leans over to put some in Gabrielle's coffee. She looks nauseous.) Carlos:Xiao-mei, what's wrong? Xiao-Mei:She smell. Carlos:Who smells? Gaby? Gabrielle:Excuse me. What? Xiao-mei:Her perfume...make me sick. Gabrielle:Honey, it's 100 bucks an ounce.That tends to make everyone a little nauseous. Carlos:Xiao-mei, your boobs--are they tender? Xiao-mei:Mm hmm. Gabrielle:Carlos! Her boobs are none of your business. Carlos:Gaby, think. She's sensitive to smell,nauseous and has swollen breasts. (Gabrielle grabs Carlos' hand and smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Doctor's Office] (Gabrielle is still holding Carlos' hand. Xiao-Mei is lying on an examination table. The doctor enters.) Doctor:Well, I just ran her blood work.It looks like the insemination was successful. Gabrielle:Oh!
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Carlos:Oh, my gosh. (Carlos grabs Gabrielle and lifts her up.) Carlos:We're gonna have a baby! Gabrielle:Oh. Doctor:Now, you should know,since she's experiencing early symptoms,this might be a tough pregnancy for her. Carlos:Not a problem. We are gonna treat her like a queen! Gabrielle:Absolutely. You have nothing to worry about here. (Gabrielle runs over and hugs Carlos and Xiao-Mei.) Gabrielle:Oh! Xiao-mei:Oh,Mrs. Solis,you smell. Gabrielle:Oh, yeah. Okay. Sorry. (Carlos keeps hugging Xiao-Mei as Gabrielle looks on.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is cleaning out Andrew's room.) Bree:I think it's gonna be a kick having Susan and Julie stay with us.It'll be like living in a sorority.We'll stay up late and we'll gossip and make s'mores.Doesn't that sound like fun? Danielle:Why are you pretending to be happy?I heard you walking around your room all night long...crying. Bree:I don't want to talk about it. Danielle: Look, I know why you're worried,but Andrew can take care of himself, and if he can't, he shouldn't have run away in the first place. Bree:You know what? Maybe Andrew leaving will be good for us.You are all I have left,and I am gonna be the best mother that I can be. Danielle:There's definitely room for improvement.It's just...you kinda forgot my birthday. Bree:What? Danielle:Yeah. It was six weeks ago. Bree:Oh, my god, Danielle.I am so sorry. Danielle:It's okay.You had a lot going on.I mean,Andrew was suing you,and you were pretty wasted that month. Bree:Honey, you've gotta let me make it up to you.I-I'm gonna throw you a birthday party with all your friends, okay? Danielle:That could be cool.You know what else I'd like? Bree:Name it. It's yours. Danielle:I want Andrew's room.You said he's probably not coming back,and I could really use the extra closet space. Bree:But, sweetheart, this is--this is his room. Danielle:Mom, you forgot my birthday.You're really in no position to negotiate. Bree:Honey, where am I gonna put all of his things?And, you know, he might come back at some point. Danielle:He won't.Like you said,I'm all you have left. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom is packing in the bedroom.) Lynette:Atlantic City? Tom:Yeah, it's last minute,but Jerry got a great deal on a suite at one of the casinos,and a bunch of the old gang is coming in from New York,and god, it's been forever since I have been,so how could I turn that down?
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Lynette:Yeah, how, indeed? Tom:What? Lynette:I didn't say anything. Tom:No, but you have that look.Is something wrong? Lynette:No! Except that I know you've been to Atlantic City three times in the last month without telling me.Ed found the receipts when he did the office audit.Other than that,no, nothing's wrong. (Tom laughs.) Lynette:Tom, it would be better for your general well-being if you did not laugh at this moment in time. Am I gonna have to ruin the surprise?Because it's a really good surprise. Lynette:I'm thinking, yeah, ruin it. Tom:I have been going to Atlantic City for business.I am up for a top spot with Jerry's firm,Huffington Promotions.And if you don't believe me...you can call the C.E.O. Himself. (He goes to his bag and hands Lynette a business card.) Lynette:I am... so happy and I'm so relieved. (She puts the card on the bedframe before hugging Tom.) Tom: Did you think I was cheating? Lynette:No! Absolutely not. Tom: Lynette... Lynette:No! Okay, a little bit.I'm sorry, I'm sorry.Ed found receipts for flowers and theater tickets.I mean, by the way, did you-Tom:Jerry and I went to a show,and the flowers were for Milt's wife. Lynette:I knew that. You didn't have to tell me that.Why did you buy flowers for Milt's wife? Tom: Lynette... Lynette:Sorry. Stop. Done talking.That's fantastic.I love you! Tom:I love you. (Lynette starts to leave the room and turns back to say something. She freezes as Tom carefully picks up the business card off the bed frame and tucks it back into his suitcase.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Morning] (Gabrielle comes downstairs. Carlos is vacuuming and Xiao-Mei is sitting on the couch.) Gabrielle:Carlos...What's going on? Carlos:Xiao-mei is feeling under the weather,so I took up the vacuuming. Gabrielle:Oh, well,I'm sorry to hear that.So, uh, did you move my beauty products?They're not in the bathroom. (Xiao-mei points to the table behind Gabrielle. There is a plastic box filled with goods.) Gabrielle:Why in the hell? Carlos:I forgot to tell you. Uh, you can't use that stuff anymore.It really triggers Xiao-mei's morning sickness. Gabrielle:All of it?Even my hair pomade? Xiao-mei:Gives me stomachache. Gabrielle:Yeah, well,it gives me volume,so I guess we're both gonna have a problem. Carlos: Do you have to be so high-maintenance? Gabrielle:You're not a model, Carlos. Maintenance is my only skill. Xiao-mei: Please, no fight.If Mrs. Solis smell bad,I be okay. Gabrielle:Fine. I'll learn to live without product.But when my hair starts smelling like hair,I don't wanna hear a word. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Bree's House] (Danielle comes downstairs to find Bree working in the living room on two large balloon displays configuring the number seventeen.) Bree:Surprise! Danielle:What the hell is that? Bree:Isn't it darling?I made it for your party.It's a big "1"and a big "7"...for "17." Danielle:Were you up all night making that thing? Bree:Yeah. I just wasn't tired.Oh, I wanna show you what else I've planned.I think you're gonna love it. (She hands Danielle some fliers.) Danielle:You got a Fajita Bar and a juggler? Bree:No, relax.He's a very hip juggler.He only performs to Beatles songs,and I saw the video,and it's absolutely thrilling. Danielle:Mom, I don't want any of this stuff.It's not even my real birthday. Bree: Danielle, I just want you to have the best party you have ever had in your entire life. Danielle:I just want a few friends to come over and hang out.You can make a cake,but giant balloon numbers?I mean, come on.They would all make fun of me. Bree:Oh.Okay. (Bree picks up a pair of scissors. She begins stabbing all the balloons, popping them.) Danielle:Is that really necessary? Bree:Honey, I can't possibly put it in the garbage as is. (Danielle walks upstairs as Susan comes downstairs.) Danielle:It's just another morning with the Van de Kamps. (Susan sees Bree stabbing the balloons.) Bree:Oh, Susan,did I wake you? Susan:Uh, no. No, I was up. Bree:Well,I'm sorry about the noise.It's just that Danielle doesn't want balloons,and I'm kind of pressed for time. Susan:Bree... are you okay? Bree:She said she doesn't want balloons.I'm fine. (Bree continues stabbing at the balloons as Susan backs away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Matthew is banging on the locked door of the basement. Betty is sitting on a chair outside the door.) Matthew:Mom?Look, I know you're out there.Please, just talk to me.Mom, I need something to drink.Just some water, some juice.Something, anything. Please.(He bangs on the door)Mom!You want me to say that I set Caleb up?Yeah, I did it.I started thinking about all those years--years that we had to take care of him, and...I just thought maybe once he was gone,we could have a normal life.And I'm sorry.But, mom, you have got to let me out of here now. (Betty gets up. With a crowbar, she bangs on the door.) Betty: Damn you!You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without reason.That's an unforgivable betrayal.I am so consumed with rage.It's best you stay in there,because if I let you out,I don't know what I might do to you. (She throws the crowbar to the ground.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Mike answers his phone.)
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Mike:Hello? (Susan, on the other end, is looking at a package.) Susan:I need Edie to spill her guts.What do you know about wearing a wire? (Later, Mike has the recorder and is explaining it to Susan.) Mike:So you see the little red light? Susan:Mm. Mike:It's all voice-activated,so if the light's on,you're recording.Uh, let me show you how to tape it on. Susan:Oh, okay. (Mike lifts Susan's shirt.) Mike:Sorry if my hands are cold. Susan:Um... no, that's okay.They're fine. (Mike kneels behind Susan with some tape.) Mike:So you sure you wanna do this? Susan:Yeah. I'm sort of up against the wall.The insurance company needs proof fast,and things are sort of weird at Bree's.I don't wanna over stay my welcome. Mike:Well, if things get tough,you can always stay here.(into the microphone)Testing, testing. Susan:I'm sorry. Did you just invite me to move in with you? Mike:Well, you and Julie in the spare bedroom. Susan:Oh. Mike:You've...you've been saying how you want to be friends again,and you're right.There's no reason we can't be friends. Susan:You sure that won't put a crimp in your, uh, dating life?You know, that girl you were at the movies with? Mike:No. That was a one-time thing.But what about that guy,though? Orson. Susan:Yeah, he just heard about the fire and came over to help.We're friends. Mike:Oh. So... neither of us is dating anybody. Susan:Guess not. (They smile at each other.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Airport] (Lynette, Mrs. McCluskey, and the kids are at the airport.) Lynette:I got my boarding pass. McCluskey: Do what you need to do and don't worry about the kids.I'll keep 'em out of trouble. Lynette:Is this crazy?Following Tom across the country just to spy on him?If he knewI was doing this...God, I don't think I can go through with this. McCluskey:Now, look, there's probably nothing going on,but you need to know the truth. Lynette: Do I? I'm happy.I mean, I was. Why don't I just look the other way and pretend nothing's wrong?Lots of women can do that. McCluskey:But we both knowyou're not one of them. Lynette:And what if I see him with another woman? What then? McCluskey:I own a gun. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (All of Danielle's friends are there for her birthday. Music plays in the living room as everyone talks. Julie gets up and walks into the kitchen. Bree is icing a birthday cake.) Julie:You okay here? Bree:I'm fine. Why?
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Julie:It's just, people have been asking about the cake,and you've been icing it for over an hour. Bree:Well,I just keep messing it up.I don't know what's wrong with me. Julie:You're probably just tired.My mom and I heard you up all night. Bree:It just keeps coming out too thick. (Bree begins scraping icing off the cake with a knife.) Julie:You know,people aren't gonna care if the icing isn't perfect. (Bree begins scraping icing off with her hand.) Bree: People care about details.Someday when Danielle looks back,I want her to remember just how perfect her cake looked and how hard her mother worked to make her happy.This cake is a symbolof my love. Julie:Well, it looks delicious. (As Julie walks out, Bree scrapes more icing off with her hand.) (Later, guests are singing "Happy Birthday" in the living room as Bree carries in the cake lit with candles.) Guests:Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Danielle... (Bree sets the cake down.) Bree:Stop!One of the candles went out.Um, we're gonna have to do this all over again.I'm sorry. I'll be right back. (Bree runs toward the kitchen.) Danielle:Mom, it's all right. Bree:Sweetheart,this is your special day.All of your candless should be lit.It'll just take me two seconds. (All the guests watch as Bree runs into the kitchen.) Julie:Is she serious? Danielle:Welcome to my own private hell. (One of the guests, Barbie, goes up to the cake and scoops some of the icing off and licks it.) Barbie:That is some serious frosting. Bree:All righty. (She walks to the cake with the lighter. She sees the missing scoop of frosting. She glares at each of the guests, who all look frightened. As she pans the room her look stops at a heavyset young lady.) Bree:Who touched this? Danielle:Mom, what is the matter?It's just a little frosting. Bree:Somebody ruined your cake,and I wanna know who could be that thoughtless. (Bree turns and points her finger at the guests.) Bree:Was it you? Or you?!Who was it? Danielle:Mom, please,you're embarrassing me. Bree:You! (She points at the heavyset girl.) Bree:You look like a girl who enjoys her frosting. Heavyset Girl:No! No, I didn't touch it. Bree:It's just a cake, for god sakes.Will you please just cut it? Barbie:Mrs. Van de Kamp-Bree:Open your mouth.I wanna smell your breath. Heavyset Girl:It wasn't me!It was Barbie. Bree:Barbie! (Barbie backs up, knocking the cake to the ground.) Bree:What the hell is wrong with you?!Now it's ruined!Everything is ruined! (Bree looks around the room. She sees all of the frightened faces and Danielle is on the verge of tears. Danielle runs from the room, crying.)
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Bree:Um,you can just...leave that there,and I'll, um...clean it up later. (She walks out of the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle walks into her bedroom to find Xiao-mei in her bed.) Gabrielle:Xiao-mei, what are you doing in our bed? (Carlos comes out of the bathroom brushing his teeth.) Carlos:I said she could sleep in there from now on.It's got the bathroom,you know, in case she gets sick in the middle of the night. Gabrielle:Well, what's wrong with the guest bathroom? Carlos:It's too far away. Gabrielle:It's right down the hall. Carlos:Gaby, she needs her rest.And besides, that bed is much more comfortable than the one in the guest room. Gabrielle:Yeah, I know.That's why I had the movers put it in here, where we sleep. (Xiao-mei gets out of the bed.) Xiao-mei:Maybe I go to my bed. Gabrielle:Yes, Xiao-mei,that would be good. (Xiao-Mei starts walking out, then stops and grabs her stomach and covers her mouth with her hand.) Xiao-mei:Oh, oh! (Holding her hand over her mouth, she hurries toward their bathroom.) Gabrielle: Fine.You can use our toilet. (Later, Gabrielle and Carlos are sleeping in a twin bed in the guest room. Gabrielle is squirming around.) Gabrielle:Ow! Stop kicking me. Carlos:I'm just trying to get comfortable. Gabrielle:Yeah, in a twin?Good luck.God, I want my bed back. Carlos:We'll go buy a nice big one tomorrow and put it in here, okay? Gabrielle:That is not the point. We are a week into this pregnancy,and you're already putting Xiao-mei's needs before mine. Carlos:Well, she's the priority now.She's the mother of my child.. Gabrielle: Like hell she is.That is my egg. Carlos:You know what I mean.She's the... Gabrielle:Oven, Carlos. The oven.A well-cared-for,well-paid oven. Carlos:It came out wrong.I'm sorry, okay?Now can we just get some sleep? (Gabrielle tosses and turns in the bed. Carlos turns and knocks Gabrielle out of bed.) Carlos:Babe, I'm sorry.I swear.I swear I didn't mean to.My leg just cramped up. (Gabrielle grabs a pillow and walks out, slamming the door behind her.) Carlos:Where are you going?That's my pillow!Good night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's House - Nighttime] (Danielle is calling from the yard.) Danielle:Matthew! (She goes around the side of the house and opens the trap door that leads to the basement. Matthew, inside the locked room in the basement, hears footsteps.) Matthew:Mom, come on. Danielle:Oh, my god.What are you doing in there?
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Matthew: Danielle, is that you?My mom found out what we did to Caleb.She flipped out and locked me in here. Danielle: Don't worry. I'll get you out. Matthew:Be really careful, okay?Please, okay?I've never seen her like this before.She's seriously lost it this time. Danielle:I know a little something about psycho moms.Trust me, I'll be fine. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House - Nighttime] (Bree is on the floor, cleaning up the cake. Susan comes home and sees her.) Susan:Hey.Cleaning up after the big party? Bree:Yeah. Susan:You know, it's late.Why don't you, uh,go to bed and, you know,let Julie and I help you with that in the morning? Bree:Oh, that's okay.I can't sleep anyway. Susan:Are you... okay? Bree:I take it you heard what happened. Susan:Yeah, when you flip out in front of the pep squad,word travels fast. Bree:It was the oddest sensation.I was fine,and everything was fine,and then suddenly I was on the outside of my body watching a woman who looked like me becoming a raving maniac. Susan:Bree, I'm worried about you.Do...do you think that you should see someone? Bree:Oh, no, I'm fine.I'm just tired, that's all.I just need a long rest,and then I'm gonna be as good as new. Susan:Okay, well, then why don't you stop and go to bed? Bree:Because, um, I can't sleep just yet. Susan:Why not? Bree:Because when I sleep,I dream,and when I dream,I keep seeing Andrew's face in that rearview mirror. Susan:Okay, what are you talking about? Bree:Andrew, didn't run away.I, dropped him off in the middle of nowhere,told him that I couldn't be around him anymore,and then...I drove off.So I just need a little time to forget what I've done,and then I can sleep again. Susan:Hey.You know,I am not even tired.So... why don't I stay up and help you? Bree:That would be nice. (Susan puts on gloves and they scrub together.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Atlantic City - Valleta Hotel] (Lynette is sitting in her rental car outside the hotel. She sees Tom come out of the entrance and hand the valet a parking ticket. Tom puts his cell phone to his ear. Lynette's cell phone rings. She answers.) Lynette:Hello? Tom:Hey, you.How you doing? Lynette:Hey! Great.Great. How's Atlantic City?Are you, um, winning some money? Tom:Oh, I'm about even.Actually, I'm heading back into the casino right nowto try my luck again. Lynette:Yeah?You're quite a gambler.Where's Jerry? Tom:Uh,Jerry?He--he's right here.Hey, honey, how are the kids? Lynette:Great. Great.They're in the day care room.I'm... looking at 'em right now. Tom:Hey, why don't you walk in there and, put 'em on the phone with me so I can say hi? Lynette:Okay. Sure.First,can I talk to Jerry? Tom:Why do you wanna talk to Jerry?
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Lynette:Well, just, you know, say hello.It's been a long time. (All of a sudden, the car alarm on the car parked behind Lynette goes off. Lynette jumps. Tom looks around, and Lynette scoots down even lower into the car.) Tom:Wow, man, that is weird.Can you hear--do you hear that car alarm? Lynette:Uh... no. Tom:It's strange,because I can hear it here and through the phone. Lynette:Whoa. That's weird kind of feedback.(The alarm stops)You know?Physics can be spooky that way.Listen, I gotta go.I gotta go.Ed is talking to me,and, um,I'll call you back later? Tom:Um, okay. Lynette:Okay, bye. Tom:Bye, honey. (The valet pulls up with Tom's car. Tom drives off and Lynette follows him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Felicia's House] (Felicia is on the phone in her kitchen.) Operator:9-1-1.Is this an emergency? Felicia:I think so.My neighbor, Paul Young,has been threatening me. (Felicia is pumping her blood from her arm into a bag while she talks.) Operator:Is he there right now? Felicia:No. Operator:Ma'am, until he actually does something,there's nothing we can do. Felicia:Well, I won't live in fear anymore.If you people refuse to confront him,I guess I'll just have to do it myself. (Felicia hangs up the phone and continues pumping her blood. When she's done, she opens her refrigerator where there are several bags of her blood stored.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's House] (Susan turns on the recorder under her shirt and knocks on Edie's door. Edie answers the door eating a bag of popcorn. She tries to slam the door. Susan holds the door.) Susan:No, Edie, wait.Um, I don't wanna fight.I know that we've had our differences,but, you know, we had a friendship going there,and I just think we owe it to ourselves to talk about what happened. Edie:What's there to talk about?It happened. (She chews the popcorn as she talks) I walked down to your house...I had a watering can... Susan:What? Edie (muffled): ...filled it with gasoline and...boom!Laughed my ass off. Susan:Okay, wait.Could you just swallow?'Cause I couldn't really...what you were saying-Edie:And that was basically it.One of the best days of my life. Susan:Well, see, you were chewing,and so I didn't really hear what you said.Could you just say it again? Edie:I burnt your house down.It was great. What do you want? Susan:So, uh, y-you then a-admit burning down my house on purpose? (Susan moves closer to Edie. Edie looks at Susan suspiciously.) Edie:You're wearing a wire,aren't you? Susan:Huh? Edie:Open that blouse. Susan:What?No! Edie:Open that blouse!
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(Edie rips open Susan's blouse and sees the microphone. Susan runs.) Edie: Ahhhhh!You can't outrun me, Mayer!I'm in the best shape of my life! Susan:Oh, good, then you'll be prime meat picking when you go to jail! Edie: You bitch! Susan:Bite me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park] (Mrs. McCluskey emptying her trash hears/sees them. Susan trips in the park, dropping the tape recorder. Edie grabs it and they fight as Mrs. McCluskey watches.) Susan:No!Give it! No! (Edie tries to run as Susan grabs her leg. Edie falls. Her head hits the tree with the bee nest. The bees begin to stir.) Edie:What the hell? Huh. (Susan sees the bees and backs away as Edie, covered in bees, continues to bat the bees away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Atlantic City - Nighttime] (Lynette has followed Tom to a house in the suburbs. She parks out front as Tom goes inside. Lynette gets out of the car and sneaks up to the window. She sees a pretty young woman hand Tom a glass of wine. She walks right up to the front door and watches through the window as Tom follows the young woman upstairs. Later, she sits in the rental car, covers her face with her hands and slowly shakes her head.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Morning] (Gabrielle wakes up on the couch.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Nine months of long nights on the couch loomed before Gabrielle... (Later, Gabrielle is in the garage with her beauty products and a large sprayer. She starts pouring the products into the sprayer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...and she had decided she would not take it lying down.So she dipped into her supply of forbidden perfumes... (Later, Gabrielle closes the window in her bedroom.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...determined that in this battle... (Gabrielle pumps the sprayer. She sprays all around the bedroom.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...she would be the one to come out smelling like a rose. (Gabrielle walks out of the bedroom with the sprayer and Xiao-mei walks toward the bedroom.) Xiao-mei:I think I take nap now. Gabrielle:Yeah, sure,knock yourself out. (Gabrielle watches as Xiao-mei goes into the bedroom and closes the door. Xiao-Mei screams, then comes running out, holding her hand over her mouth. She runs into the guest bathroom past a smiling Gabrielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Daytime] (Tom comes in. No lights are on. The house is quiet.) Tom:Aah! Honey?Boys?Anybody home? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskey's House - Daytime] (Mrs. McCluskey is trimming the hedge with hedge clippers as Tom walks up.) Tom:Hey, Mrs. Mccluskey,excuse me.You haven't seen Lynette around, have you?She's not home. She's not answering her cell phone.
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McCluskey:She packed up the kids and the puppy and left. Tom: Packed 'em up? Why? McCluskey:She followed you to Atlantic City.She knows about your other woman.Boy, you're just lucky you're not my husband. (She snaps the clippers in front of Tom.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital] (Susan enters a room where a very, very swollen Edie is lying in bed.) Susan:Hi. (Edie moans.) Susan:Okay, first, let me say,I'm really sorry about the yellow jackets.And... also, no matter how mad I am about what you did,I don't want to see you go to prison.So I came with a solution.Why don't you just come forward and tell the police that you saw some vagrant lurking by my garage with a can of gasoline?And if you do that,then I'll destroy the tape.And then the insurance company will pay the claim.Nobody gets hurt.Does that sound good? Edie:Come closer. Susan:Oh, ah. Edie:Take your stinking deal and shove it. Susan:Edie... Edie:Every time something bad happens to me,you're standing nearby.Well, I've had it.No more pretending to be friends.When I get outta here,I'm gonna destroy you. Susan:Okay, I'm just gonna think that this is the meds talking,and I'll come back tomorrow. Edie:Don't bother. Susan:Okay, Edie,I'm in trouble here. Edie:Oh, I'm sure you'll turn on the waterworks,and the whole neighborhood will come running.They always do. Susan:That's not true. Edie:Sure, it is.You never miss an opportunity to play the victim,and you think just because everybody always comes to your rescue,it means that you're loved.Well, it doesn't.It means that you're helpless.Now get out.Just get out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's House] (Mike comes outside as Susan pulls into Bree's driveway.) Mike:Hey there. Susan:Hi. Mike:So you given any thought to staying at my place? Susan:Oh, yeah, that. Um...look, I really appreciate the offer,but I think I'm gonna have to pass. Mike:Really? Susan:Yeah.I think it's best. I don't wanna get a rep around here for being a charity case,you know? Mike:Well, I didn't mean it that way--just one friend helping out another. Susan:I know, but I can figure this out on my own.At least I'm gonna try.You know, I'm stronger than people give me credit for.I really am. Mike:Well, if there's anything I can do... Susan:You know what would be nice?Why don't you just stop over for coffee sometime? Mike:Okay. Susan:I mean, that is after I get running water and electricity again...and a coffeemaker.
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(They smile at each other.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - Nighttime] (Carlos, in his pajamas, opens the bedroom window.) Carlos:I hope you're happy.That poor girl can hardly even come upstairs now because of you. (Carlos waves the air out of the room with a pillow.) Gabrielle:Carlos, stop with the dance.It's already in the wallpaper. Carlos:Now I swear, if anything happens to that kid because of you... Gabrielle:Oh, it's perfume,not toxic gas. Carlos:Why are you acting this way? Gabrielle:Because I see the writing on the wall,and it scares the hell out of me. Carlos:Meaning what? Gabrielle:From the second Xiao-mei got pregnant,you have found a million and one ways to tell me that that baby is more important to you than me. Carlos:Oh, come on, Gaby. Gabrielle:No! Men can't help it.When they become fathers,they become lousy husbands,and some wives don't mind,but you didn't marry one of those women. Carlos:I don't think I can sleep in here tonight.The air's just a little too toxic. (Later, Carlos is scrunched up on the couch watching TV. Xiao-mei enters with a plate of food.) Xiao-mei:She kick you out, too? Carlos:Marriage is complicated,Xiao-mei.You'll find that out someday.You feel like watching some trashy American TV? (Carlos sits up and pats the couch next to him. Xiao-mei sits.) Xiao-mei:I make you sandwich.Roast beef. Carlos:Oh, man.Gaby's got me on this health kick thing.She'll kill me if I eat red meat. Xiao-mei:I will not tell. (Carlos bites into the sandwich.) Xiao-mei:Taste good? Carlos:Real good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's House] (Betty comes downstairs to the basement carrying a tray.) Betty:Matthew, wake up.I have your breakfast.I might be furious with you,but never let it be said that I'm cruel. (Betty takes the key off the tray and unlocks the large lock on the door.) Betty:I advise you not to charge this door,because I am not in the mood for any unpleasantness.Matthew? Matthew? (She hears something behind her. Danielle runs out with a crowbar and hits Betty on the head. Betty falls to the ground.) (Danielle opens the door. Matthew sees his mother lying on the floor.) Matthew:Jeez, Danielle! I thought you were just gonna steal the key. Danielle:Let's just get out of here. (Matthew grabs the gun off the tray and runs out. Betty, lying on the floor, opens her eyes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree walks into Danielle's room carrying a laundry basket. She finds a note on the bed and reads it.) Danielle's Voice:Mother, Matthew and I are running away together, and we're never coming back.If you want
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me to be happy, you won't try to find us. (Later, in her own bedroom, Bree is packing a suitcase.) Danielle's Voice:Living in that house with you was like being in a prison.You drove me to do this, so I hope you'll blame yourself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Medows Psychiatric Hospital] (Bree is rolling her suitcase into the building.) Danielle's Voice: Have a nice life. Danielle. (Bree walks up to the reception desk.) Bree:Hello.My name is Bree Van de Kamp,and I'd like to admit myself for psychiatric observation. Receptionist:All right,what seems to be the problem? Bree:I think I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul's House - Nighttime] (Paul walks into the kitchen and slips, falling to the floor.) Paul:Damn it! (He turns on the light. Blood is all over his hands.) Paul:What the hell? (He looks down and sees a trail of blood leading to the garage. He follows the trail and goes into the garage.) Paul:That psychotic bitch. (He enters the garage and turns on the light, noticing a trail of blood leading to the back of his car. A police siren blares and a police car pulls up in front of the garage.) (Later, the officers question Paul.) Paul:There was no confrontation.Felicia Tillman's the one who made the call.She's the anonymous tip.Let's just go over there right now.I guarantee you,the woman is having a cocktail,laughing her ass off. Sergeant:We're not going anywhere yet, sir. (The other officer searches the garage. He finds a bloody saw wrapped up in a bloody towel.) Paul:Yes, I know there's blood everywhere.She probably got it from a pig so she can vandalize everything I own. (The officer looks in the back of the SUV.) Officer:Sergeant... (The Sergeant looks in the back of the SUV.) Paul:What is it? Sergeant:Put your hands where I can see 'em. (Paul, with hands raised, looks in the back of the SUV. Lying in the trunk is lots of blood and two bloody fingers.) Paul:Oh, man, she's good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (The officers are arresting Paul, putting him in the car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It's a shocking moment for each of us, that moment we realize we are all alone in this world. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Tom is sitting alone in the dark.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:The family we take for granted could one day abandon us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is reading a magazine in the living room while Carlos and Xiao-mei play a chess game behind her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The husband we trust so implicitly might betray us... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital] (Bree is lying on a bed in a fetal position.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The daughter we love so deeply perhaps won't return to us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital] (Edie is lying in bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And then we could end up all by ourselves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Susan is standing in front of her burnt house. She smiles determinedly.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Of course, some see great value in going it alone.For example... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mountain Cabin] (A landlord enters the cabin with Felicia.) Landlord:Sorry about the dust,mrs. Huber.We don't get too many tourists this far up the mountain. First snows come,and this place is completely cut off. Felicia:Dropping off the face of the earth--now that's what I call a vacation. (The landlord laughs and hands the keys to Felicia. The keys fall to the floor.) Felicia:I'm sorry. Landlord:Oh. (The landlord picks them up and holds them toward Felicia. Felicia puts out her bandaged hand with two fingers missing.) Felicia:Sometimes I'm just all thumbs. ~ The End~
Desperate Housewives 2X23: REMEMBER (I-II) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "Desperate Housewives"McCluskey:She packed up the kids and the puppy and left. Tom: Packed 'em up? Why? McCluskey:She followed you to Atlantic City.She knows about your other woman. Mary Alice Voiceover:Things went from bad... Sergeant: Put your hands where I can see 'em. Mary Alice Voiceover:...to considerably worse. Paul:Oh, man, she's good. Doctor: Looks like the insemination was successful.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:And even the good news... Carlos:She's the priority now.She's the mother of my child. Mary Alice Voiceover:...came with a catch. Mike:Given any thought to staying at my place? Susan:I think I'm gonna have to pass.You know, I'm stronger than people give me credit for. Mary Alice Voiceover:But sometimes once you accept the truth...You discover that you're capable... Danielle: Let's just get out of here. Mary Alice Voiceover:...of accomplishing... Bree:I'd like to admit myself for psychiatric observation.I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Mary Alice Voiceover:...almost anything. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Betty's house - late night] (Self-moving van parked in front.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Its a fact of life in every neighborhood.People move in and people move out.Although very few of them pack up and leave at 2:00 in the morning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's living room] (The room is almost empty of furniture.Betty continues packing.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But it wasnt the first time that Betty Applewhite had tried to leave in the middle of the night. It had happened once before in Chicago. (Betty sits down to play piano.) (The same night one of her sons tried to break up with his girl friend.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - 1 year ago] (Bettys Chicago home - Betty is playing the piano.) Mary Alice Voiceover:A young woman named Melanie Foster. (Matthew and Melanie arguing in the hall.) Melanie:Are you kidding? You cannot dump me! I do not get dumped! If anyone is getting dumped here, its you! Matthew:However you want it, it is. Okay? I just want out! Melanie: What the... Matthew:I just want out! Melanie:Okay, Matthew. Maybe I am a bitch some times, but there are advantages to dating someone like me. And I know that you know what Im talking about. (reaching for Matthews pants.) Matthew:Melanie, my mother is in the other room.Are you crazy? (Betty is still playing the piano and can hear everything Matthew and Melanie are saying.Caleb is also in the room with his mother and can hear the argument.) Melanie:Clearly we cant have a serious discussion here.Why dont you meet me at the lumber yard at 9:00. Matthew:Melanie! Melanie:Huh? Matthew:Its over. Melanie:Well, even more reason for you to show up.No one can say goodbye better than I do. (Melanie leaves, Matthew walks away.Caleb comes out of the living room and stares at the front door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lumber yard - late night] (Melanie is hiding behind stacks of lumber.Someone is approaching so she steps out.)
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Melanie:Well, its about time.Caleb! What are you doing here?Wheres Matthew? Caleb: (holding flowers) I got here first.I know a short cut. Melanie: Does Matthew know that youre here? Caleb:No, he doesnt want to be with you anymore. Melanie:What does that have to do with you? Caleb:See I thought, maybe I could be your boyfriend now. Melanie:What? Caleb:I love you. Melanie: (laughing) Oh god, please, tell me someone put you up to this! No? 'Cause if youre serious, its too pathetic! (Caleb tries to kiss her.She hits him.) Melanie:What the hell are you doing? (Caleb grabs her again.They struggle.) Melanie:Get off of me, you freak! (Melanie grabs a board and hits Caleb several times.He grabs the board and strikes her.She falls to the ground. Caleb drops the board and leans over her.) Caleb:Melanie? (He touches her face and gets blood on his hands.He wipes his hands on his T Shirt and runs.) [Betty's house] (Caleb runs in, breathing hard.Betty sees him with blood all over his shirt.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - late night] (Bettys living room.She leads Caleb out of the room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, a year had come and gone since the Applewhites had left Chicago. And Betty thought they could again slip away in the middle of the night. (Betty and Caleb walk out of the house.) Caleb:Once we move hows Matty gonna find us? Betty:Caleb, I think its just going to be you and me from now on. (Sirens blare.Betty turns and sees several police cars pull in front of her house.Police officers with guns drawn get out of the car.) Police Officer: Lets see your hands! Get your hands up! Mary Alice Voiceover:But as she soon discovered, its not that easy to slip away in the suburbs. Because in suburbia.... (Betty is put into the police car.All the neighbors are standing around watching.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...once the neighbors hear you are going, they all insist on showing up to say goodbye. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Wisteria Lane - Day] Mary Alice Voiceover:Everyone must choose the road they will take in life. And for a special few, that road would lead to Wisteria Lane. (Moving van pulls up in front of Brees home.) Mary Alice Voiceover:They all arrived the exact same way. Driving up in their overloaded trucks. (Moving unloading truck at Gabrielles house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Bringing with them their expensive antiques and ordinary dreams. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Flashback - Mary Alice's house] (A young Mary Alice peeks out the window.) Mary Alice Voiceover:I remember the first moment I saw each of them. [14 Years ago] (A young Susan is leaning over a young Julie in a stroller.) Mary Alice Voiceover:I met Susan Mayer the day she moved to Wisteria Lane. Susan: Ahh.Okay, break times over. Mary Alice Voiceover:She seems so delightfully confident I couldnt help but feel intimidated. (Susan gets into the back of the rent-a-truck van.She trips and grabs onto the door strap.The door closes and locks, trapping Susan.) Susan:Oh, Oh. Mary Alice Voiceover:That feeling quickly passed. (Susan bangs on the inside door as Julie sits nicely in her stroller next to the van.) Susan:Oh, help!Can anybody hear me? Julie?I, I need you to try to unlock the door. Oh, what am I saying?Okay , I need you to unbuckle yourself and try to find a neighbor. (Mary Alice walks by and hears the yelling.) Susan: But dont cross the street!Just tell the neighbor that your mommys stuck in a big truck! (The door opens up.) Susan:Oh yes! My god, I have a genius baby!! (The door is open and Susan sees Mary Alice.) Susan:Oh hi.I have a normal baby. Mary Alice:Im Mary Alice.I live across the street. Susan:Susan Mayer.Thank you so much.If my husband had to rescue me, I just, I would have never heard the end of it.He thinks Im a total klutz. Mary Alice:Oh, please, that's what neighbors are for.Well, welcome to Wisteria Lane.When you're finished unpacking, why don't you come over for a cup of coffee? Susan:Oh, wow! I have a neighbor who just asked me over for coffee.I'm sorry.You must think I'm a lunatic. Mary Alice:Oh, no, no, I don't. I think you're charming. And your baby looks like a genius to me. Susan:Oh, she is and we're gonna be so happy here. (gasps to Julie) Look at your new home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Susans burnt house Day] (Susan is guiding a blindfolded Julie toward their burnt house.) Julie:You're not gonna walk me into a wall, are you? Susan:Of course not, but when you see it for the first time, I want you to get the whole impact. (removing blindfold) Ta-da! (A trailer is parked in front of their house.) Susan:Okay, now I know it's a little more cramped than we're used to, but we can't stay at Bree's forever.She's gonna be coming back from that spa vacation soon.Besides, it's gonna be fun. Julie: (sighs) Why are you doing this to me?I get good grades.I don't do drugs. I've never come home pregnant. Susan:Honey, I am trying my hardest to stand on my own two feet. All right, I've got six book proposals in the works.I'm gonna try to supervise the rebuilding of this house, but you know, I can't do it without your support. And I want you to be proud of me. Julie: (sighs) Fine.Let's take a look inside. Susan:Ohh! that's my girl! Julie:So... is there anything you should prepare me for?
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Susan:No! no. It's all good. Oh! But you should know that your bed doubles as the dining table, and the toilet's in the shower. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Gabrielle:Honey, look. I bought us matching golf outfits for our lessons tomorrow. Carlos:Yeah, about thatI can't go. I gotta pick up trash on the freeway. Gabrielle:I'm sorry? Carlos:I have to do my community service.It's part of my parole, remember? Gabrielle:Oh, okay, well, I'll just call the country club and cancel our lessons. Carlos:No, no, no. I an, I paid already.Might as well go without me. Gabrielle:I don't wanna go alone.It was your idea in the first place. Carlos: And I'd love to be there with you, too, if I didn't have to scrape slushies and condoms off Route 57.Look, what's the big deal?Just go take the stupid lesson. Gabrielle:Fine, if you feel that way about it. Hey, I'm sorry. Im just a little on edge today. (Carlos looks out on the front porch.Xiao-mei is bending over working while Ralph the gardener stares at her.) Carlos:Oh, would you look at this crap?He has been doing that all day. Gabrilelle:Ralph has a little crush.So? Carlos:So can't I get a gardener who isn't trying to sleep with someone in my house? Gabrielle:You pay six bucks an hour. it's all about the perks, honey. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's front yard] (Susan is washing the trailer.Tom approaches.) Tom:Susan, have you talked to Lynette? Susan:Uh, no.Have you tried her cell? Tom:Yeah, she isn't picking up.Do you know where she is? Susan:Oh, no, I'm sorry. Tom:Susan, I think you do. Susan:I really don't, Tom.Is everything okay? Tom:Yeah. Yeah, we just had a fight.Listen, if you talk to her, will you please ask her to call me?Thank you. (Tom walks away.Susan sneaks behind the trailer and dials her cell phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[HOTEL] (Lynette is sitting poolside with Penny.Answers her cell phone.) Lynette:Hello? Susan:He was just here. I think you should call him. Lynette:I can't. I can't.I'm sorry. I just can't. Parker:Mom! Lynette:Yeah. Hang on.I'll call you later. Okay, bye. (Lynette hangs up.) Lynette: Yeah? Parker:When is daddy coming?I wanna show him my dive. Lynette:He's not coming, sweetheart.But you could show me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Prison - Visiting Room] (Paul behind glass is talking to Zach on a phone.) Paul:You have to talk to Noah.
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Zach:But he creeps me out. Paul:Who cares?This is my life we're talking about.I need a big-time lawyer in my corner, and where else are we gonna get that kind of money? Zach:Noah's not gonna give me a dime if he knows it's for you.He hates your guts. Paul Tell him it's for you.Tell him you want a car.Tell him you're ready for him to buy your love.Trust me, dying men are nothing if not sentimental. Zach:Why do you need so much, anyway?I thought only guilty men needed expensive lawyers. Paul:Felicia has obviously been planning this for months.Who knows what other kind of evidence she's planted? With my luck, they'll open up the Martha Huber murder again, try to nail me with some D.N.A. Zach:You swore to me that you had nothing to do with that. Paul:I didn't.Look, why are we arguing?I'm your father.Do what I'm telling you to do. Zach:You're not my real father. Paul:You ungrateful little... I rescue you from that miserable junkie.I give you a home, a life worth living, and now youre making me beg for one lousy little favor.I need the money, Zach.If you won't do it for me, at least do it for your mother.After all, she killed herself trying to protect you. (Zach angrily hangs up the connecting phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Day] (Mover are unloading furniture into Brees house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:I met Bree Van de Kamp the first day she moved to Wisteria Lane.There are certain people, who, when you meet them, can't help but make a delightful first impression. [12 years ago] (A young Bree knocks on Mary Alices door.) Bree:Hello. I'm Bree Van de Kamp, your new neighbor.Is this your frog? Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree was not one of them. Mary Alice:Yes. Why? Bree:Well, it seems that my son stole it from your yard. Mary Alice:Oh, well, I don't mind.If he likes it so much, he's welcome to keep it. Bree:Well, don't tell him that.If he doesn't feel guilty he'll never learn shame. (A young Susan comes to the door also.) Susan:Hey, what's going on? Mary Alice:Oh, um, this is our new neighbor.It seems her son accidentally took my garden frog. Susan: Oh. Bree: Please don't make excuses for him.That is exactly what his father does. Rex! (A young Rex and young Andrew walk up.) Bree:This is my husband Rex. Rex:Hi. We're not weird.We just seem like we are. Bree: And this is my son...the criminal. Go on. Young Andrew:I'm sorry I stole from you.Just so you know, my mom did teach me right from wrong, so my actions should in no way influence your opinion of her as a parent. Susan:Wow. Bree:Well, is there anything you'd like to say to my son? Rex:Feel free to be harsh. Mary Alice:Um, No, I'm... I'm good. Bree:Well, now that we've finished with all this unpleasantness, I want to assure you that we are going to be good neighbors, and I hope in time, great friends.
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Mary Alice:That sounds... lovely. Bree: (to Andrew)Come on. Mary Alice:Oh, wait. I'm--I'm sorry. It was Rex, Andrew and... what was your name again? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital] Orson:Bree? Bree:What? Orson:You're Bree Van de Kamp, right? Bree: Do I know you? Orson:Orson Hodge.Uh, Susan's dentist friend.We met after her house burned down. Bree:Oh. I'm so sorry.I didn't recognize you. Orson:Small world, huh? Bree:Yes. uh, excruciatingly so. Orson:Ah. Bree:What are you doing here? Orson:Well, three or four times a week, I visit my--my friend.What about you? Bree:Oh, I just thought it would be a lovely place to take a nice, long rest. Orson:Oh. Bree:Um, listen, I told my friends that I was, um, I was at a spa, so if you run into Susan,I... Orson:Your secret is safe. Bree:And seriously... (lowers voice) I am not like these other people. Orson:Oh, I can tell.A real lady always stands out in a crowd. Bree:Well, that was... very sweet. Orson:Enjoy your rest,Bree Van de Kamp. (Orson walks away and sits next to his lady friend who stares unmovingly out the window.) Lady Inmate:Boy, do I feel for you. Trying to convince your friends that you're still normal, and you're surrounded by a bunch of loons. Bree:You, too? Lady Inmate:Oh, please.Dr. Barr goes out of his way to make me feel like a complete psychopath.I think he's crazier than the patients, actually. Bree:You know that, um, that woman in the wheelchair?What's her story? Lady Inmate:Yeah, she's a kooky one.She hasn't spoken a word since she got here.She just sits there all day long waiting for your friend to come and visit.He talks to her for hours, but I don't even think she can hear him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's trailer] (Susan comes out spraying ants as Mike walks up with 2 cups of coffee.) Susan:Oh, hi. Mike:You said to stop by for coffee sometime.I got coffee. Susan:So I can't believe you caught me spraying for ants. I must look like a wreck. Mike:Actually, you look kinda sexy. Susan:You've gotta be kidding. Mike:Oh, the way you're taking charge--it's impressive. Susan:They're just ants, and they're tiny.Of course, they do outnumber me. Mike:No, you said you wanted to handle things yourself, and you're making it happen.It's good to see. Susan:Thanks. Mike:Even if it does mean you're not in the market for a relationship right now.
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Susan:Oh, did I say that? Mike:You certainly implied it. Susan: Well, sometimes I say things I don't mean. I blame it on my frequent exposure to ant spray. (Karl walks up.) Karl:What the hell is this? Susan:Karl, what do you want? Karl:Well, I can't believe you're forcing our daughter to live in a house with wheels.I think we need to talk about this. Susan:It's temporary, and if you don't mind, I'm having coffee. Mike:Oh, it's okay, Susan. Karl:Hey, sorry. I don't mean to chase you out, buddy, but, uh, this is really a family thing. Mike:No, no, I understand. Karl:Cool. (Mike kisses Susan passionately.) Susan:Mmmm. Mike:Ill call you later. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Country Club Bar] Tennis Pro:You've got a great swing. You just need a little help around the greens.You know what they say-drive for show, putt for dough. Am I right? Gabrielle: (laughs)That is so true. Tennis Pro:All right.I'll see you out there. Gabrielle:Okay. (The Pro leaves.Gabrielle sits down at the bar.) Gabrielle:Make me something strong.I have nine more holes with that guy. (The TV above the bar is on.) Newsman Craig: (on TV) Jim, it was just an hour ago that the road crew working here on Route 57 saw a member of their own killed by oncoming traffic. The victim was a Hispanic male in his early forties, who, for years, was a prominent businessman in the area.Police aren't releasing a name until the next of kin can be notified.We, of course, will keep you updated... (Gabrielles cell phone rings.) Newsman Craig:On any late-breaking developments as this tragic story unfolds. Reporting live from Route 57, This is Craig Siyumina.Back to you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house - day] (Gabrielle is outside leaning against her car.She is in tears.Xiao-mei comes running out fixing her hair.) Xiao-mei:Mrs. Solis! Why you home? Gabrielle:Carlos is dead, Xiao-mei. Xiao-mei:No, please don't kill him. Gabrielle:No, you don't understand.He's already dead.There was an accident.He's all over the highway. Xiao-mei:No... he in kitchen. (Gabrielle runs inside.) Carlos:Hey, babe.Why you home so early? Gabrielle:Oh, honey!Oh, you're not dead! Carlos:Who said I was dead? Garielle:The police.They called me.
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Carlos:What are you talking about? Gabrielle:Honey, they didn't know all the details, but a witness said that they saw you run into the carpool lane to pick up a lawn chair that had fallen off some truck, and then a bus hit you right in front of the road crew.Why aren't you at the road crew? Carlos:I paid Ralph to go in my place. What? Gabrielle:Well, Carlos, they had your name. Carlos:Oh, no. poor Ralph. Gabrielle:Oh!Why is your back all sweaty? Carlos:I was working out on the treadmill. Gabrielle:Barefoot? Carlos: (scoffs) For god sakes, Gabrielle, Ralph just died, and you're worried about my feet?I mean, what the hell is wrong with you? (Carlos walks quickly out of the room and bumps in Xiao-mei.) Carlso:My fault. Xiao-mei:Sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital] (Dr. Barrs office.Bree is raking a small Zen garden.) Dr. Barr:You must find that very peaceful. Bree:Why would you assume that? Dr. Barr:Because that's all you've been doing for three sessions.I still don't know anything about you, except that you rake in remarkably straight lines. Bree:Is that what you're doing, asking me all those ridiculous questions about my childhood, trying to get to know me? Well, here's a clue. I'm not crazy.I just have a few issues. Dr. Barr: And psychotherapy is how we help you deal with those issues.What kind of treatment did you think you were going to get? Bree:Honestly, I was hoping that you'd medicate the hell out of me. Dr. Barr:You don't need anything stronger than what I've already prescribed for you. Bree:I have aspirin at home that packs more of a punch. Dr. Barr:It says here your husband died, you had a boyfriend who killed himself, and you suffer from alcoholism. That's a lot of trauma for one year. What about your kids? Bree:Oh, they're fine.Andrew is backpacking through Europe, and Danielle is away at cheerleading camp. Dr. Barr:What's your relationship with them like? Bree:What do you mean? Dr. Barr:Are you close?Do they share things with you?What do you feel about them? Bree:You know, I really don't have time for this nonsense.Are you going to give me some serious drugs or not? Dr. Barr:No. Bree:Fine. Then I'm going back to my room. Dr. Barr:You know, Bree, I can't force you to open up to me, but I can make it easier for you to focus on your problems. Bree:And how are you going to do that? Dr. Barr:I'm going to tell the orderlies to confiscate all your personal items. Bree:I committed myself voluntarily. Dr. Barr:When you signed those papers I became responsible for your well-being, and I will help you in any way I see fit.
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Bree:I don't need that much help, because I am not like your other patients. Dr. Barr:Oh, sure, you are.You just don't know it yet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Police Department - Interrogation Room] Detective:Your son confessed to murder.We've got it on tape. Betty:My son has the mind of a child, Detective.He'd confess to sinking the "Titanic". Detective:This letter was sent some months ago to the Chicago police, saying the person they arrested for the Melanie Foster murder was innocent.We have a hunch you wrote it. Betty:Really? I didn't know hunches were considered evidence in a court of law. Detective: (chuckles) They aren't, but this is. (puts a picture of the deceased Melanie with a jacket covering her face) We found some of the assailant's D.N.A. on this jacket. Now all we need is a matching sample.You, by any chance, recognize the jacket? (Betty looks at a photographer.Matthews jacket is covering Melanies dead body.) Betty:It's not Caleb's. Detective:You can try and deny it, but... Betty:No, you don't understand.That jacket belongs to my other son. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Motel Room] (Matthew is standing over a sleeping Danielle.) [Flashback - late night] (Chicago Lumbar yard) (Melanie is laying on the ground.Matthew walks up.Melanie wakes up coughing.) Melanie:And out of nowhere, he just attacked me. Matthew:My brother's never been violent.I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. Melanie:But he did. Matthew: Let me just take you home. Melanie:This has been pretty traumatic for me. I-I-I think that you should come over for the next few days so we can talk it out. Matthew:We broke up, Mel. It is not my job to hold your hand. Melanie:Well, maybe I shouldn't go home right away.Maybe I should go to the cops first. Matthew:The cops? Melanie:I was attacked.It's my civic duty to report it, don't you think? Matthew:Mel, I just told you that Caleb did not mean to do what he did, okay? Melanie, please. Melanie:Screw you. Matthew:No, you cannot tell anybody about this! Melanie:I can tell who I want! Get your hands off of me! Matthew:We're talking about my brother here! Melanie:Your brother is going to go to jail for the next ten years, so I say let go! (Melanie slaps Matthew and walks away.) Matthew:Hey, Melanie! Melanie: (turning back) What?! (Matthew hits her with a board.She falls.) Matthew:You leave my family alone! (He stands over her hitting her repeatedly.He takes his jacket off and covers her and runs.) [PRESENT] (Matthew is standing over a sleeping Danielle.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Flashback - 8 years ago] (Bree with muffins, Susan, with flowers and Mary Alice with wine are walking up to Lynettes house.Screaming is coming from inside.) Mary Alice Voiceover:We all met Lynette Scavo the day she moved onto Wisteria Lane. We quickly decided she would be our friend, mostly because we were afraid to have her as an enemy. (Lynette walks out yelling.) Lynette:...playing Russian roulette with my ovaries and... Tom: Lynette! (She stops with she sees the ladies.) Lynette:Hi. Tom:Hi. Mary Alice:Hi, uh, we just wanted to come welcome you to the neighborhood. Bree:Um, but we could come back later. Lynette:Yeah. No, wait. Actually, wait.This is perfect.You know why? Because we need some impartial judges. Tom:Lynette... Lynette: Let's suppose your husband begged you to get pregnant-- begged you--and out of the goodness of your heart, you agreed, even though it might derail your career.You agreed to a baby.A baby, singular. Tom: Lynette, we've just met these people. Lynette:Then--then you go in for an ultrasound, and you hear two heartbeats. Then and only then does your husband tell you that twins run in his family. Tom:I didn't think it was that big a deal! Lynette:Your family had eight sets of twins over three generations, not to mention your relatives in Kentucky with triplets!Triplets! So I ask you, do I not deserve to punish this man severely? Susan:Well, actually, I think that twins are genetically determined by the mother. Lynette:What are you, a scientist? Susan:No. No, I write children's books. Bree:Um, we, uh, just came over to introduce ourselves, but we can, um, do that at another time. Tom:No, wait. Please stay.It's okay.We're okay.We're okay, right?Honey, we don't wanna freak out the new neighbors. Lynette:I'm sorry that you saw my panic attack.I won't let it happen again, especially since this is my last pregnancy. Tom:Right.You're the boss.I'm just your love slave. Susan/Mary Alice:Aw. Lynette:Well, don't encourage him. Tom:Honey, clearly, our new neighbors see that you have been gifted with a phenomenal husband. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Hotel - Poolside - day] Porter/Preston:Cannonball! Lynette:Guys?Could you come here for a second?We need to have a serious talk. (the boys approach) Okay, we have had a great... vacation, but tomorrow we're going home, except we're not going to our home. We're gonna go stay with Grandma. Porter:Is dad gonna be there? Lynette:No, dad is not gonna be there, but he--he is gonna come and see you guys all the time.We are still gonna be a family.It's just... we won't be living in the same place anymore.So...is there any questions you wanna ask me?
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Porter:Can we go swimming now? Porter/Preston/Parker:Yeah! Preston:Cannonball! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Downtown Fairview - day] (Karl buying a newspaper sees Mike walking into a Jewelry Store.Karl follows.) Karl:Mike, what a surprise. Mike:Yeah. How's it goin'? Karl:Good, good. I'm... just came in to get a new battery for my watch.So... whatcha doin'? Mike:Oh, just buying something for my grandma.It's her 90th birthday. Salesman: (carrying in a ring box) Here we go.This will sweep her right off her feet.It's elegant, and she can build on it for anniversaries. Karl: Lucky grandma. (laughs) You dog.You're gonna ask Susan to marry you, aren't you? Mike:I didn't say that. Karl:Man, I'm cool. as far as I'm concerned, Susan's old news, so...Mazel Tov. Mike:I don't suppose there's any hope of you keeping your mouth shut about this, is there?I wanted to surprise her. Karl:Oh, trust me, brother.She'll be surprised, and not just by how small that rock is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's sickroom] (Zach is sitting besides Noah who is connected to tubes, machines, etc.) Zach: Look, I-I know it's an expensive car, but I need one, so can I get the money? Noah:You're a lousy liar, kid.I read the papers.I know what happened to your father.My guess is he's in the market for a fancy lawyer to get him some rich man's justice. Zach: Please. Noahl Paul Young put Deirdre in a box.My daughter.Your mother, so we're clear, I don't write checks to monsters. Zach: (voice breaking) Why can't you just give me the money?You're dying.You don't need it. I do. Noah: Don't cry, Zach.It pisses me off. Zach:Well, you said all of this was gonna be mine, so when do I get it?! Noah: Empire is a highfalutin word, but that's what I've built.Unfortunately, an empire can only be ruled by an iron fist and a strong gut.I wanted to give it to you, Zach,but I'm starting to have my doubts about you. Zach:So what?Are you cutting me off? Noah:I don't have any use for weakness.Get out. (Zach closes the door and locks it.He then walks over to the switch of the machine that is assisting Noah to breathe.) Noah:What, are you gonna kill me?Prove you're a tough guy?See?That's why I can't give you the keys to the kingdom, Kid.No balls. (Zach shuts the breathing machine off and then sits next to Noahs bed. He watchs as Noah gasps for breath.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - 3 years ago] Mary Alice Voiceover:We met Gabrielle Solis the day she moved to Wisteria Lane. We were all excited to get a glimpse of a successful New York model. (Bree, Lynette, Susan and Mary Alice walk toward Gabrielles house.) [Gabrielles living room]
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(Susan, Mary Alice, Lynette and Bree enter Gabrielles house.The room is filled with cardboard boxes.) Bree:Hello? Mary Alice Voiceover:We saw more... (Gabrielle stands up from behind the boxes.She is dressed in a bra and panties.) Gabrielle:Hi there. Mary Alice Voiceover:...than we bargained for. Mary Alice:I'm Mary Alice.This is Susan, uh, Lynette and Bree. Susan:Welcome to the neighborhood. Gabrielle: (putting a shirt on)Well, I am Gabrielle Solis. Lynette:Would it be better if we came back at another time? Gabrielle:Oh! No, no. I was... just changing out of my sweaty clothes.I didn't realize moving was such great cardio (Carlos walks in from the kitchen in a shirt only.) Carlos:Hey, babe, we haven't tried it in the kitchen yet. Gabrielle:Honey, uh, I think it's time to unpack the pants. Carlos:Right.It's nice to meet you ladies. (Carlos walks out of the room.) Mary Alice:Let me guess--newlyweds? Gabrielle:Four months, and I've dressed like this for two of 'em. (laughs) He's insatiable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - night - Gabrielle's bedroom] Carlos:Hey, what are you doing? Gabrielle:Trying to have sex with you. Carlos:Now?Babe, it's kind of late. Gabrielle:You don't wanna have sex with me?You always wanna have sex with me.You wanted to have sex with me an hour after your hernia operation. Carlos:I'm a little preoccupied.A good man died today.Don't take it personally. Gabrielle:Xiao-mei said the strangest thing to me when I told her you were dead.She said, please don't kill him.' Carlos:That poor kid.Ah. We really need to get her some English lessons. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's yard - early morning] (Susan and Julie are asleep in the trailer as the engine starts up.)(engine sputtering)Susan:Julie, what are you doing?I'm trying to sleep. Karl:Morning, ladies. (Julie and Susan look and see Karl is behind the wheel starting the engine.) Susan:Karl! What are you doing? Karl:I've got a little surprise planned for my girls.So just sit back and relax.We'll be there shortly. Susan:No, no, no, no.No, turn my house around. Karl:Latte? (Karl pulls to the curb.Susan and Julie get out.) Karl:Out to the right, Ladies.My gift to you. Susan:You bought us a house? Karl:Let's have a look around. There's three bedrooms,a gourmet kitchen... for what it's worth. There's a guest house in the back that you could use as a studio.There's a pool. Julie:A pool? Really? Aah!
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(Julie runs inside.) Susan:What's the catch? Karl:There's no catch.It's yours, Susie.Yours and Julie's. No strings attached. Susan:(sighs)I can't accept this.I just--I gotta get out of this mess on my own. Karl:This is not charity.I owe you... for everything I've done over the years, for all the heartache I've inflicted on you.Consider it payback. (Julie comes running outside.) Julie:Mom!There's a pool and a jacuzzi! Karl:At least no one can drive off with it while you're sleeping, huh? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital] (Bree is listening to messages on her cell phone.) Susan:Hey, it's Susan.Just wanted you to know I let the electrician in your house.I hope you're having a great time at the spa. Betty:Bree, hi. it's Betty.I'm--I'm sorry to leave this on the machine, but the police have evidence that implicates Matthew in the murder of Melanie Foster.We have to find them, Bree.We have to find them and get Danielle back. [Hospital Hallway] (Bree is walking out with her suitcase.Two guards grab her.) Bree:You let go of me right now! Dr. Barr:Hey, hey!What's going on here? Bree:I am trying to leave, and these morons won't let me.Do you know that you can be arrested for kidnapping,for detaining someone?! Dr. Barr:Why do you need to leave? Bree:Because my daughter is in danger. Dr. Barr:Something happened at cheerleading camp? Bree:Okay, there's no camp. That was a fib on my part.I found out that she ran away with a boy and the boy is a murderer. Dr. Barr:A murderer? Bree:I can tell by your tone that you don't believe me. Dr. Barr:Bree, let's talk about this in my office. Bree:I don't have time for therapy, you quack!Now let me out of here!Let go of me!You idiot. Let go of me! You know I committed myself voluntarily!You can't do this to me! No! (nurse gives Bree an injection) Dr. Barr:Bree, please, don't struggle. Bree:If anything happens to my daughter, so help me, god... Dr. Barr:We're only trying to help. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Noah's estate] (Zach is standing next to the vast lake on the property.) Estate Attorney:Mr. Young, you'll need to come up to the house to sign some legal documents. Zach:What for? Attorney:Noah Taylor's will called for an immediate transference of his entire estate to you upon his death. Zach:So everything's mine? Attorney:That's correct. (Zachs cell phone rings.) Zach:Hi, dad.
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Paul:So, did you have any luck with your grandfather? Zach:Yeah, I talked to Noah.He's not gonna give us the money. Paul: Damn it, Zach! Zach:Sorry? Paul:Go back and talk to him. Zach:No, I, I don't think he's gonna change his mind. Paul:Terrific.Am I gonna see you tomorrow? Zach:No, I, I can't come tomorrow. Paul:What about Monday? Zach:Oh, next week's bad for me, too.I'll--I'll call you when I know. Paul:Zach? Zach! (Zach hangs up.) Attorney:Is there anything I can do? Zach:Yeah, get me a new phone with a different number.And fill in this stupid lake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike is washing his car.He walks over to Susans.) Susan:Careful with those.The last of the crystal.Okay. Mike:Hey, what's going on? Susan:Oh, hi.Um, we're just moving. Karl:Hey! It's the plumber.You come over to help Susie move into her new house? Mike:New house? Karl:Oh, she didn't tell you?I bought a place for my girls. Mike:You let him buy you a house? Susan:Uh, well, he's not moving in with us. Mike:After that speech about wanting to go it alone, and after I offered to let you stay with me? Susan: To be fair, you just had a spare room, and this is a whole house. Karl: (chuckles) Hey, no offense, if you're not using your back, you're just in the way. Mike: You saw me buying that ring, and you just had to cut me off. Susan:You bought me a ring? Karl:Suze, let me handle this.A man's gotta protect his family. Susan:Uh, Mike, about that ring... Mike: Put that box down. Karl:What, you gonna hit me, huh? (Karl throws the box at Mike and jumps him.) Susan:Stop it! oh, my...What are you--Just stop it!Oh, that's enough!Just get off! Get off! go! go! (Karl gets off, grabs a pan and throws it at Mikes head.) Susan:Oh, my god.What? Stop! That's enough. enough, enough. Back up.And that ring-- that was for me, right? Mike:Not now. (Karl throws a salad shooter and hits Mike in the face.Mike slugs Karl who falls.) Susan:Oh, my... ohh!Karl, are you okay?Are you okay?Let me see.Oh, my god. Karl:Whew. Susan:Can you sit up? Karl:Whew. (Mike sees Julie and Susan fussing over Karl and leaves.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:Xiao-mei, do you have a second?This is probably silly, but it's been bothering me.When you said,"please don't kill him," did you mean Carlos? Xiao-mei:Ralph dead, not Mr. Solis. Gabrielle:I know.It's just you said, "kill," not "dead." and I'd have to do be pretty angry to kill someone, so I guess my question is, do I have a reason to be angry at Mr. Solis? Xiao-mei: Please, so much laundry. Gabrielle:Xiao-mei...how did you rip your panties? Xiao-mei:I fall down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital] Doctor:Says here Dr. Bader examined Xiao-mei last week, and everything was fine. Gabrielle:Yeah, I know.It's just, she's been having pain... down there.So if you could take a peek, it'd make me feel so much better. Doctor:Of course. Gabrielle:(lowers voice)Um, and, doctor, uh, while you're down there, could you check if she's still a virgin? Doctor:I'm sorry? Gabrielle:You don't even have to say it out loud.If you see hymen, just give me a thumbs up. (Doctor walks and and begins examining Xiao-mei.He gives Gabrielle a thumbs down sign.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (Lynette is packing.Porter comes out of the bathroom wearing his trunks.) Lynette:What's this now? Porter:I wanna swim. Lynette:Well, we already swam.Now it's time to pack.Hey, hey, hey!What's going on? Porter: Dad would let me swim. Lynette:(sighs)Well, dad's not here, so I decide, and I decide no.(Porter runs to the patio) Oh, Porter, what are you doing?Hey! hey, get down off that right now. I mean it! (Porter climbs on the railing)Okay! okay, okay, Porter, just stop, all right? Just come on inside, and we'll forget the whole thing. (Porter falls off the rail.) Porter:Aah! Aah! Lynette:(screaming)No, no! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital Emergency Ward] (Tom enters.) Parker: Daddy! Preston: Daddy! Daddy! Tom:Hey, guys. god! ooh, god, I've missed you so much.Oh, you, too, munchkin.Where's Porter?Is he okay? Lynette:He broke his arm.They took him up to x-ray. Tom:Hey, guys, why don't you look after your sister for me, okay?Mommy and daddy need to talk. Lynette:I've got nothing to say to you.I just called because I had to. Tom:Honey, whatever you saw, I can explain it. Lynette:I am not interested, and if you wanna keep those fingers, I would move 'em away from my body. Thank you. Tom:Lynette, I am not cheating on you.I never have, and I never will.
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Lynette:I saw you with that woman. Tom:Her name is Nora.I met her 12 years ago. Lynette:I don't care what her name is. Tom:I met her before you.She was a dancer on a cruise ship.We had a one night stand.I haven't thought about her in years. Lynette:Then why are you going to Atlantic City every other weekend to visit her? Tom:(sighs)I have another child, Lynette. Lynette:What? Tom:She got pregnant from the one night stand.Nora raised the kid without ever telling me.I only just found out about it. That is why I have been going back and forth. I am not having an affair. Lynette:Uhh! (Lynette shoves Tom.Tom falls over some chairs.) Tom: (holding an ice pack on his head) The little girl's name is Kayla.She's 11 years old.I know I should've told you about this sooner.It's just that I wanted to take a paternity test to be sure, and I'm definitely the dad. Lynette:Why did she wait so long to contact you? Tom:She said she wanted to raise the kid alone, and I... I guess she's changed her mind, honey.Baby, I am so sorry. Lynette:Not ready for that yet. Tom:Okay. Lynette: (crying)You have no idea how badly you scared me. Tom:I am so sorry. Lynette:I had already let you go. Porter: Dad! I got a blue cast. Tom:Hey, buddy. You sure did.That's pretty cool. Lynette:Hey. Porter:It itches.Can we go home now? Lynette:Yeah, we're going home. (Tom hugs Lynette.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Fairview Pharmacy - 5 years ago] Bree:Have they rung up your prescription yet? Rex:No, they're getting it right now. Bree:Good, add that on. Rex:You're dying your hair honey wheat blond? Bree:Oh, it's not for me, it's for Danielle. (Danielle is behind her with reddish/orange hair) That hair is going back to the color god intended. Rex:You actually think she's gonna sit still as you towel this through her hair? Bree:Oh, I will tie her down if necessary.I'm also thinking of checking her body for piercings while I'm at it. Rex:You're overreacting.She's just going through a phase.That's what girls her age do. Bree:They also get pregnant and become drug addicts, and that color hair is the gateway.(to George)Would you please, uh, add that to our bill? Rex:I'm telling you, Bree, you're gonna have to stop riding 'em so hard. Bree:I am trying to ensure that they turn into responsible adults.Trust me, Rex, in the end, we will be rewarded. Rex:How can you be so damn sure of yourself all the time? Bree:Why is my certainty a flaw? I know what I'm about,I know my values, and I know what's right.Why
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shouldn't I stay the course? Am I right, Mr. Williams? George:My mother always took a firm hand with me, and I thank her for it. Bree:Exactly, and look how well you turned out. Rex:Look, you're a good mother, but there's a limit.You have got to relinquish some control, or else you're gonna regret it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital] (Bree is tied to the bed with arm and leg restraints.The maintenance man, Alfred comes in.) Bree:Excuse me.Do you have the time? Alfred:Yeah, it's just after 8. Bree:Oh, I was afraid of that. Alfred:Afraid of what? Bree:Well, I'm only supposed to be restrained until 7.You see, I have a problem with sleepwalking.They just tie me up so that I don't wander off and hurt myself. Alfred:Yeah, well, I'm sure a nurse will be in here soon. Bree:One can only hope.Of course, if a doctor gets here first and sees that someone forgot to release me, I'm sure they'd get in a lot of trouble. Alfred:Lady, I can't let you out of your restraints.I'd get fired. Bree:Oh, well, I certainly would not want that to happen.What's your name? Alfred:Alfred. Bree:Oh! Does anybody ever call you "Alfie"? Alfred:No. Bree:And why should they? So, um, Alfred, I was wondering if you could maybe loosen my restraints. They're incredibly tight, and I'm sure there are no rules against making me more comfortable. Alfred: Do you think I'm stupid? Bree:I beg your pardon? Alfred:Two seconds after I loosen these little restraints, you'll try to scratch my eyes out and make a run for it. Well, I'm not falling for it, you psycho little bitch.In fact, I hope they keep you tied up for the next month 'cause I'd get a real kick out of watching a prissy little whack job like you lying in your own filth.Know what I mean? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike opens the door holding an ice pack to his face.) Susan:Oh. Are you all right? Mike:Uh, yeah. Im a little hopped up on pain medicine, but, um, I chipped my tooth on the salad shooter. Susan:Oh, oh, you know, you should, um, call my friend Orson.He's a dentist.I'm sure he'll see you right away. Mike:Thanks. Susan:So...about that ring you bought, is there anything particular you'd like to ask me? Mike:Nope, not as long Karl's got you wrapped around his finger. Susan:Okay, that's ridiculous. Karl doesn't have me wrapped around anything. Mike:You accepted a house from him, and you're nuts if you believe he doesn't have an ulterior motive. Susan:He's Karl.He's playing me. But that house is gonna be a great place for my daughter to live.And when he makes his move, he's gonna realize that I was really playing him.So... about that ring... Mike:I... I just don't want to get deeper into this and suddenly realize your heart's somewhere else. Susan:Mike, my heart is in the exact right place. Mike:Ugh. I can't have have this conversation now, my tooth is throbbing.
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Susan:Of course.Okay.You don't even wanna know what my answer would have been? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Motel Room] Danielle:Can we please get out of here?This place is gross.And, god, I'm starving. Matthew:Yeah, I know, but we don't have any money, remember? Danielle:That's why we should go to my house.I know the combination to my mom's safe. Matthew:Okay, I've told you a thousand times, it's way too risky.No. Danielle:Something you should know before we embark on this little adventure.I can get pretty bitchy when I'm not fed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dentist Office] (Orson is looking at Mikes teeth x-rays.) Orson:Listen, I hope I'm not out of line here, but did you ever spend any time in prison? Mike:Why you can tell from my teeth? Orson:Jailhouse dentistry-- unmistakable and not pretty. Mike:Yeah, I did a little time in Kansas a few years back.Were you a prison dentist? Orson:Uh, during dental school, we did freebie work on some of the poor Guinea pigs behind bars.No offense. Mike:You know, I had the feeling when I first saw you in the movie theater that we'd met before. Orson:I don't think so. Mike:Oh, I'm pretty sure.I think I know you.Any chance I was one of your Guinea pigs? Orson:No, the only prison work I did was back in Virginia. Mike: Diploma says you graduated from Minnesota. Orson:I'm licensed in three states.Open wide, please.Don't talk.I wouldn't want to hurt you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback -Gabrielle's house - 2 years ago] (Gabrielle is talking on the phone.) Gabrielle:Carlos, you promised you'd come home today.Well, I don't care what Tanaka wants!Rattling around this stupid house all by myself is not what I signed up for!No, no, no, don't hang up on me.I'm not done yelling at you! (Gabrielle hangs up.She sees the young gardener John going into her garage.She follows him in there.) John:Mrs. Solis, how are you? Gabrielle:The best you've ever had. (Gabrielle hits the remote in her hand and closes the garage door.) (later) (Gabrielle and John are lying half naked.) Gabrielle:What's so funny? John:Me and my friend Justin had this bet.See who could lose their virginity first this summer at Bible Camp.Guess I beat him to the punch. Gabrielle:You were a virgin? John:So it didn't show? Gabrielle:Oh, no.No, I mean, I guess it was, well, weird when you started naming the American presidents in order. John:Ah, I wish you hadn't heard that.I was just trying to... Gabrielle:No, no, you were good.Just, if it comes up in school, Paul Revere was never president. John:Oh, thanks. I, uh, had a really awesome time, Mrs. Solis.
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Gabrielle:Well, good. I'm glad, because this can never happen again. John:Why? Gabrielle:The only reason I did this was because I was angry at Carlos.Now, thanks to you, I'm not angry anymore. John:Well, you should be.I mean, the guy's never around.Hell, he's probably off having his own affair right now. Gabrielle:Oh. (chuckles) I seriously doubt that. John:How do you know? Gabrielle:Because Carlos doesn't have an adulterous bone in his body.What we just did he could never do.For him, sex isn't just sex. it's a sign of intimacy.It's the way he shows love.You know, instead of talking and listening and spending time with me. (John kisses Gabrielle)What was that for? John:Thought you needed a kiss. Gabrielle:Well, since this is our last time, I guess we can make the most of it. John:So... you really trust him, huh? Gabrielle:Completely. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Gabrielle's bedroom] Mary Alice Voiceover:Like all good mothers, Gabrielle had purchased several top-of-the-line baby monitors. (Gabrielle puts a baby monitor under her bed and one under Xiao-meis bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:She had planned to use them to keep a close watch on her newborn child.That plan was about to change. (She plants another monitor in the garage.) [Gabrielle's living room] Gabrielle:So I'm gonna go shopping and then I'm gonna see my trainer, and I'll definitely be gone for, like, three hours.Okay. Well, I gotta go.Have fun. [Gabrielle's car parked on the street] (Gabrielle turns the baby monitor on and listens.She hears.) Lynette:Not here, Penny.Mommy's gotta change you now 'cause you stink. (Gabrielle pulls her car forward a few feet.She hears.) Xiao-mei:Here, taste this. Carlos:Oh, man!Xiao-mei, that is amazing. Xiao-mei:You like? Carlos:Oh, yeah.Sorry if I'm making a mess. Xiao-mei:It's okay. Mu Shu Pork.Supposed to be messy. Carlos:I wish Gabrielle could cook like this.Have you ever tried her enchiladas? Xiao-mei:One time they make me sick. (Gabrielle turns off the monitor and throws it on the seat beside her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's trailer] (Susan is unraveling Christmas Lights.Julie enters.) Susan:Mike still hasnt seen the invitation. Julie:Ah. He will, and he'll meet you for a romantic motor home rendezvous, and you'll propose, he'll accept, and you'll both live happily ever after. Susan:You really think that's what's gonna happen? Julie:It's my deepest hope. Susan:Oh, there he is.
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(She sees Mike come out on his porch.Mike finds the card on his bannister.Inside is a card with a map to Susans trailer and written Bring some champagne and your heart and meet me at 8:30 at Lovers Point on Torch Lane. XOXO Susan.Mike smiles.He sees Susan looking out her trailer and nods yes.) Susan:We're in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Fairview Hospital - 2 years ago] (Lynette is laying in bed.Tom is holding a newborn.) Tom:Polly? That's a good name. Lynette:No way. Tom: Pamela. Lynette:I said I wanted Penny. Tom:Oh, Lynette. Lynette:Eight hours of grueling labor. Tom:That's not fair. Lynette:Neither are stretch marks, but what are you gonna do? Tom:I've only known one Penny in my whole life,and she was a slut. Lynette:Isn't your aunt named Penny? Tom:Yeah, that's her. Lynette:Our daughter is officially named.You may go now. Tom:All right, I'll let you win this one, but I get to name the next one. Lynette:You promised me we'd stop at four.Remember?You wanted four kids, I wanted one, and somehow we compromised on four.Can we please stop now? Tom:Lynette, you're hurting me. Lynette:I will stop as soon as you promise. Tom:Okay, I promise. Lynette:Okay. Tom:Honey, I...I didn't mean to upset ya. It's just... we've been so happy. Lynette:Sweetie, sometimes when you're at work, and I'm home alone with three young boys, I'm not so happy, and now I'm gonna be alone with four kids. Each one is a blessing, yes, but I don't think I can take any more... blessings.More blessings could make me lose my mind.Do you understand? Tom:Yeah. Lynette:Thank you. Tom:Honey, that really hurt. Lynette:Did it hurt for eight hours? Tom:No. Lynette:Okay, then. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Lynette's front yard] Lynette:I must have been crazy, agreeing to this. Tom:Honey, you're gonna feel differently once you meet Kayla.She is sweet, smart little girl, plus it'll help you get past your resentment of Nora. Lynette:I don't..Well, here goes. (A taxi pulls up in front of their house.) Nora:Hey, you! (hugs Tom) You must be Lynette. Lynette:And you must be Nora. Nora:I guess it'd be weird if we hugged.
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Lynette: Probably. Tom:Wh-where's Kayla? Nora:Oh, she didn't come.We got into this huge fight, and I was, like...I just couldn't stand to look at her face on that long plane trip, so I dumped her at the neighbors.But, hey, come on, you got me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] Nora:So, anyway, Kayla is doing great.She's so pretty.She's so smart. She's practically a star on her soccer team.I have the cutest picture. Tom:You know, we wouldn't need a picture if you had actually brought her like you promised. Nora:Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.You know, but I just haven't had much time to get away on my own since, I've been taking care of your kid for the past 11 years, super dad. Tom:Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.I know it's been hard.You've done an amazing job. Nora:Thank you. I think, so, too.Apology accepted.Anyway, I wasn't sure that I wanted Kayla here if we were gonna talk about business. Lynette:Business? Nora:I was hoping that we could talk about child support since I've got, like, 11 years coming to me, right? Tom:You never told me I had a daughter. Nora:My lawyer thinks that I have a very good case. Lynette:We can't afford this.We have four kids.Tom just lost his job.That'd bankrupt us. Nora:I'm the bad guy now when he's the one that knocked me up and abandoned his child? Lynette:How could he abandon her if he didn't even know she existed? Nora:That doesn't let him off the hook.You know, you better do right by me unless, of course, you wanna be known as Mrs. Deadbeat Dad! Tom:Shhh.Lets just take it easy. Lynette:Are we just gonna keep talking louder?Is that the plan?You wanna just keep raising your voice 'cause that's how you get what you want, right?You make a scene, you throw a tantrum, and everyone gets scared and backs off.Well, I don't work that way, Lady.I don't care that my husband was so phenomenally stupid and or drunk to actually have sex with you.I'm not gonna let it ruin my life. (loudly)Am I talking loud enough for that to get through to you? Tom:I'm just gonna pay the bill. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's front yard] Susan:Karl, we've been through a lot together.We will always be connected by Julie, but... I know why you bought me that house, and I'm not moving into it. Karl:Susie, come on, I... Susan:Karl, we are not getting back together.Not ever. You need to just stop and realize that it's over.I'm gonna marry Mike.So I need you to sign these because I have to be divorced first. Karl:Mike popped the question? Susan:No, he was going to, but then you clocked him in the mouth with a salad shooter, remember? Actually, I'm going to pop the question to him tomorrow night. Karl:Guess it cuts down on the suspense knowing he bought you a ring. Susan:You would think so, but, no, it doesn't. Karl:This is a lot to ask for a man who still loves you, Susie. Susan:I know.But if you really do... love me, you'll let me go. Karl:Okay, Susie. I can do that.Well, you know where to find me if it doesn't work out. Susan:Oh, shut up.
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(Karl signs the papers.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's bedroom] (Lynette and Tom are sitting on the bed with all their financial papers in front of them.) Lynette:I don't see another way to make this work.We've gotta dip into the pensions. Tom:Oh, I don't like the sound of that. Lynette:Well, it's that or the kids' college fund.We'll write Nora one big check, and in return, she'll sign away her claim for the back child support. If we're lucky, she'll take the bird in the hand. Tom:Okay, what are we talking about? How much? Lynette:Well, we need to show her we're serious. $30,000? Tom: Are you kidding? Thirty? Lynette:If she takes you to court, we'll lose and end up paying 11 years of child support all at once. We could lose the house. Tom:Oh, we are screwed.We are just plain screwed. Lynette:Tom!I am trying very hard to be strong right now, and you melting down is not helping me. Tom:I'm sorry. Lynette:I know we're using up a huge chunk of our savings, but if it keeps that crazy woman out of our life,it is the best money we have ever spent.We will be okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital][Dr. Barr's office] Dr. Barr:Hey there.I was surprised to hear you wanted a session. Bree:Well, there's nothing like being tied to a bed to change a girl's mind. Psychiatrist:What do you wanna talk about? Bree:Anything at all.As you said, I...I have a lot of issues. Psychiatrist:Well, I assumed as much when you told the ridiculous story about your daughter running off with a murderer. Bree:Saw right through that, did ya? Psychiatrist:Well, I'm a trained professional, Bree.The human mind is my playground. Bree:Well, I'm glad that you're having fun. Psychiatrist:I'm sorry.I don't mean to be flip, but you came here because you were troubled, and then you refuse any help we give you. (Bree is raking the Zen garden in non straight patterns.) Bree:Things were falling apart at home, and I just...I just needed a place to rest, that's all. Psychiatrist:I think there's more to it than that. Bree:Do you? Psychiatrist:I think it has to do with your kids.You don't want to talk about them.Why is that? Bree:Probably because I'm ashamed. Psychiatrist:Ashamed? Bree:My children were my life.They were the reason that I got up in the morning, so to have failed them as a parent... Psychiatrist:You think you failed them as a parent? Bree:Well, my son is a sociopath, and my daughter hates me enough to have run away from home. I'm certainly not gonna get "mother of the year" anytime soon. Psychiatrist:If your kids were here right now, what would you tell them? Bree:I would beg my son Andrew for forgiveness for having given up on him, and I would tell my daughter not to worry, that I have a plan to protect her.
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Psychiatrist:And just what is that plan? (Bree picks up the sand garden and throws it in the doctors face.She calmly walks out of his office.The alarm sounds.Orson is sitting reading to his friend.He sees Bree.She motions him to be quiet.Guards come in unlocking the door.They run it, Bree grabs the door and runs out.Orson smiles at her.Bree runs out of the building.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette, Gabrielle and Susan are having coffee.) Susan:I've got everything ready to go-- flowers, candles,Elvis Costello CD all cued up. Gabrielle:But who has the ring? Susan:He does. Gabrielle:So, wait, you're gonna get down on one knee, pop the question, and while you're down there, dig in his pocket? Lynette:What if you pull out his key chain? Susan:Then I'm gonna have to find a way to force it on my finger. (Sounds from Pennys baby monitor.) Carlos:Oh, Xiao-mei, where'd you learn to kiss like that? Lynette:Sorry, that's Penny's baby monitor.It's always picking up weird frequencies. Gabrielle:No, no, no!Don't turn it off. (From the monitor.) Carlos:Ohh! Move over.My knees hit the dashboard. Xiao-mei:I move seat back, better? Carlos:Oh, yeah. (Lynette turns the monitor off.Gabrielle runs home.She kicks off her shoes as shes running.She looks in the garage and sees Carlos and Xiao-mei necking in the car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Later] (Xiao-mei comes in the front door quietly.Her hair is all mussed.Gabrielle is sitting on the stairs.) Gabrielle:Are you done with my husband? (Xiao-mei nods.Gabrielle bolts the front door.) Gabrielle:Good.I have a little project for you. (Carlos is standing on the front yard.Gabrielle and Xiao-mei is throwing all of Carlos clothes from the deck upstairs.) Carlos:Okay, Gaby, can we please talk about this?! You're the one that gave me permission, remember?You said, "Go have sex with somebody! Gabrielle:To have meaningless sex, Carlos. Not to sleep with the woman who's carrying our child! Carlos:What is the matter?!Look, we're even!You had an affair, and I had an affair! Gabrielle:I had a reason to. You were never here! I've been here, Carlos.I have tried so hard to not be selfish and to put your needs above mine.I mean, for god sakes, look at me!I have agreed to be a mother for you! Carlos:Look, Gaby, you have every right to be mad at me.So I'm gonna go and check into a hotel room and let you cool down, but we are going to work this out. Gabrielle:Forget the hotel, Carlos.Get a lease. (Gabrielle pulls Xiao-mei inside.) Xiao-mei:I can go now, too? Gabrielle:No, you can start dinner. Xiao-mei:What?!
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Gabrielle:You're not going anywhere, not as long as you have my baby in your belly. Xiao-mei:( mumbles in Chinese.),. Gabrielle:I don't know what that meant, but I didn't like the tone.So just remember, am the boss of you, or else I'm gonna make this the worst nine months of your life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Nora: Hi. Lynette: Hi. Did you get the check? Nora: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that.Do you have a minute? Lynette: Tom?! [Lynette's kitchen] Nora:I'm not the type of person that can keep things bottled up inside. Lynette:Really? Nora:So I'm just gonna have to get this off my chest.You made me feel really bad about myself yesterday at the restaurant. Lynette:My sincerest apologies. Nora:You treated me like some sort of mercenary, like the only reason I came here was to extort money from you. Lynette:Well, to be honest, first, we bought you pie, then you tried to extort money from us. Nora:See? There it is again, Lynette, that mean streak. All I want is what's best for my child, for Tom's child. Lynette: As the mother of 80% of Tom's children, I don't think it's in their best interest for you to drive us into bankruptcy. Nora:Of course it isn't.Here.I signed the waiver that the lawyer sent over with the check. And I'm not even asking for any back child support. Tom:That's--that's--that's great.Thank you. Nora:See, Lynette? See?It's not all about money. It's not even a little bit about money. It's about family.'Cause we're all a big family now. Lynette:Sort of. Nora:Which is why I took all the money that you gave me, and I put it all down on the sweetest little 2 bedroom house over on Arden Drive. Tom:Ar-Arden Drive over-- over by the mall? Lynette: Like, five minutes from here Arden Drive? Nora:It's perfect. I could drop Kayla off here anytime so she can play with her new siblings.She can spend time with her dad. Lynette:Well, to be clear, how are you going to live? How are you going to pay the mortgage?You don't have a job here. Nora:What is your problem with me, lady?!I don't understand!You don't know me.You don't know what I can do. and yet you just always, just... (chitters) just--just... (squeals) always on the attack. It's ugly, and you should work on that. Here's what I think.I think that we should all work on this, because I don't want every Christmas to turn ugly just because you and I don't get along. Lynette:Yeah, that would be a shame. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's trailer] (Susan is stringing paper laterns and Christmas lights on a tree in front of her trailer.She has table decorated with candles and wine.) [Mike's house]
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(Mike comes outside and gets in his car.He drives away.A red car follows his car.) [Bree's house] (Danielle and Matthew pull up in front of the house.) Danielle:See, I told you she wasn't home.Her car's not even here. Mathew:And you said the safe was upstairs? [Bree's bedroom] (Danielle tries to open the safe.) Danielle:Damn it, my mother must have changed the combination. Matthew:Okay. Wait here.I'll be right back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's house] (Matthew gets a sledge hammer.He sees his mothers purse on the table.He starts taking the money out.) Betty:You did it.You killed Melanie.You put your jacket on her body.I saw it, Matthew.The police showed me the pictures. Matthew:Now you weren't there.You don't know what happened. Betty:Oh, god. Matthew:Caleb hurt her, and Melanie threatened to bring us all down because of that. Betty:So your solution was to make your brother think he murdered a girl and to make me think it? Matthew:What other choice did I have?I knew that you wouldn't hand Caleb over to the police.I knew that you would protect him. Betty:I would have protected you. Matthew:Well, I really couldn't count on that. Betty:Matthew... Matthew:You don't love me as much as you love Caleb.You never have. Betty:Perhaps.But it's because he's needed me more.You are always going to find love in the world.Don't you understand?He was only ever going to get it from me. Matthew:You know, I know you believe that.That's why I've tried so hard to forgive you.And who knows?Maybe one day I will. (Matthew takes the money and walks out.Betty picks up the phone and dials 911.) Operator:What is your emergency? Betty:I need the police. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's bedroom] (Matthew is hitting the safe with the sledge hammer.It opens.Danielle pulls out stacks of money.) Danielle:See, I told you she had cash. [Wisteria Lane - late night] (Bree is walking to her house.She sees Matthews car parked in front.) [Bree's kitchen] (Danielle and Matthew are filling a suitcase full of food stuffs.) Bree:Danielle, I don't know what you're planning, but I need to talk to you right now. Danielle:Give it up, mom.We're leaving. Bree:I'm calling the police. (Bree runs to the phone.Matthew runs to it and tears it off the wall.) Bree:Do you remember that girl Melanie Foster?Matthew is the one who killed her. Danielle:I know you don't want us to be together, but that's the lamest thing I've ever heard. Bree:His mother told me what happened. It's true.
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Matthew:Let's go, Danielle. (They walk toward the front door.Bree runs and gets in front of it.) Danielle:Mom, please move. Bree:No.I gave up on your brother, and I'm not gonna make that mistake with you. Matthew:We don't have time for this. (Matthew pulls out a gun and points it at Bree.) Danielle:Where did you get that?What are you doing?! Matthew:Move away! Bree:Danielle...I want you to get out of the house now.He's a killer. Matthew:Shut up! Danielle:Don't point that at my mother! Bree:Danielle!I'm serious, go. Matthew:What's wrong with you?!I'm gonna shoot you. Danielle:Matthew, stop it! (Bree walks toward Matthew slowly.) Bree:If that's what it takes... to get my daughter... Danielle:Stop it! Bree:....to see who you really are... Danielle:Stop pointing that at my mother! Bree:...then fine. Danielle:What are you doing?! Bree:Do it. Danielle:Stop! (They hear the sound of breaking glass.Bree looks toward the window and sees a bullet hole in the glass.Matthew drops, a bullet hole in his heart.Bree grabs Danielle and pulls her away.Outside are the police with laser pointers on their guns.Danielle begins screaming.Bree grabs her and holds her and the police break in.) Bree:It's okay, baby. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Downtown] (Mike comes out of a store carrying flowers.As he walks to his truck, the red car that was following him starts up.) [Susan's trailer] (Susan straightens the flowers on her table as she smiles.She looks at her hand and imagines the ring on it.) [Fairview Downtown] (Mike looks at the engagement ring he has for Susan.He crosses the street to his truck.The red car comes speeding forward and hits Mike.The driver, Orson, stops to look at Mike lying in the street, then drives away quickly.) [Susan's trailer] Susan:(Into her phone) Hey, it's just me again. Um... when you got the invitation, I thought that you gave me the thumbs up, but I guess if that was actually... some other type of finger gesture, uh... well, I apologize for leaving you all these messages and wasting your time. [Bree's house] (The coroner is wheeling Matthew out of the house.All the neighbors are out watching.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashbacks]
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Mary Alice Voiceover:This is the street where I used to live... and these were the people with whom I shared my life. (A young Susan moving in.) Mary Alice Voiceover:I met them the day they moved in. (A young Bree moving in.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And I saw what they brought with them. (A young Tom and Lynette with a double baby stroller.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Beautiful dreams for the future. (A young Carlos and Gabrielle moving in.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And quiet hopes for a better life. (A young Susan and Karl moving in.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Not just for themselves, but for their children, too. (A young Lynette, placing her hands on her stomach and smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:If I could, would I tell them what lies ahead? (A young Rex and Bree.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Would I warn them of the sorrow and betrayal that lie in store? (A young Carlos and Gabrielle in happy times.) (A young Mary Alice overlooking Wisteria Lane.) Mary Alice Voiceover:No. From where I stand now, I see enough of the road to understand how it must be traveled. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present] (Caleb and Betty get into the self-moving van.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The trip is to keep moving forward, to let go of the fear and the regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying a journey that will be over too soon. (The moving van drives away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, there will be unexpected bends in the road, shocking surprises we didn't see coming, but that's really the point... Don't ya think? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Betty's house] (Orson gets out of his red car carrying flowers.) Bree:Orson. Orson:Oh, hey.I wanted to come by and see how you were doing after your great escape and, uh, these are for you. Bree:How sweet and... unexpected.Do you wanna come in? Orson:I'd love to. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X01: Listen to the Rain on the Roof -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate.housewives... Tom:I have another child.
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Carlos:You don't wanna give me the permition,remenber? Gabrielle:Not to sleep with a woman carrying on a child. Mary Alice Voiceover:For some,love withered. Bree: Do I know you? Orson:Orson Hodge.Uh, Susan's dentist friend. Mary Alice Voiceover:While others will wait for love. Mary Alice Voiceover:For others,new love will bloom...that may never arrive. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lakeview Drive] (Alma Hodge is standing in the window of a beautiful house look out to Lakeview Drive). Mary Alice Voiceover:Something awful happened on Lakeview Drive last year.To understand why, you need to know that when Alma Hodge woke that morning she had no idea this would be the day shed leave her husband. (Alma sit putting can into the kitchen cupboard.The cans are in uniform rows with labels matching.)\ Mary Alice Voiceover:It certainly began normally enough.She put away the groceries, per his instructions. (Alma is hanging a suit in the closet.All the mens clothing in the closet are arranged perfectly with suits, shirts, etc, neatly in sections.) Mary Alice Voiceover:She hung his dry cleaning exactly as he had requested. She folded the towels just as he had taught her. (Alma is sitting at the dining room table looking at her pet parrot, Baby, in his cage.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was just before noon. Alma:Momma loves baby.Does the baby love Momma? Baby: (mimicking) Momma. Mary Alice Voiceover:When something inside Alma broke and she decided it was time to fly away. (Alma is standing in the doorway using a lint brush on her husbands suit jacket.He turns and its Orson Hodge.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Of course she knew better than to say this to her husband.He thought Alma was happy.And Orson Hodge did not like to be contradicted. (Alma is peeking out the glass on the front door.She watches as Orson drives off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:So she waited till he left for work. (Alma runs upstairs.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And then... (Alma packs her bag as fast as she can then grabs the birdcage and runs toward the front door.) Alma: Oh! (She trips and falls.The birdcage opens and the parrot flies to the balcony upstairs.) [Lakeview Drive corner] (Orson is stopped at the stop sign.He glances down and, disgusted, he sees dirt of his suit sleeve.) [Hodge House] (Alma is yelling at the parrot.) Alma:Baby, youve gotta come down.Mommas in a hurry. Baby: (mimicking) Hurry.Hurry!. (View out front door glass.Orson drives up.) Alma: Baby, you get back in your cage right now!Im gonna have to leave you behind! Please! (Orson walks in the front door.He sees the suitcase.Baby flies back into her cage.Orson smiles and closes the front door.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Hodge house] (View out the front door glass.Carolyn is walking toward the front door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The next day Carolyn Bixby stopped by and like most nosy neighbors she knew you learned more if you didnt knock. (Carolyn walks in.) Carolyn: Alma, are you home? (Carolyn sees a bucket and mop in the doorway to the dining room.Orson comes out of the kitchen wearing gloves.) Orson: Carolyn? Carolyn:I was just looking for Alma.We had a coffee date this morning.She never showed. Orson: Ah.Alma left yesterday. Carolyn: Left? Orson:We had a bit of a row. Carolyn:Oh.Harvey and I thought we heard some raised voices.So, where did she go? Orson: Dont know but I wouldnt worry about it.Im sure shes fine. (Baby in cage begins talking out loud.) Baby:Orson. No! Orson, No! (Orson and Carolyn stare at Baby.Orson leads Carolyn to the door with his gloved hands.) Orson:So, if I hear from Alma Ill let her know you dropped by. (Orson closes the front door behind Carolyn.He stares at Baby and smiles.) [Orsons House Driveway] Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Orson Hodge was a man who did not like to be contradicted.... (Orson walks to the curb and sets the empty birdcage with the outgoing trash and walks back into the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...by anyone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Six Month Ago] [Wisteria Lane in the pouring rain] Mary Alice Voiceover:It doesnt rain very often in the town of Fairview but when it does, it pours. (Orson and Bree are running up the street with Orsons Jacket covering them.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was on just such a date that Bree Van de Kamp went on her first date with her new friend, Orson Hodge. A date that ended with a kiss in the rain. (Orson kisses Bree and they run off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles Living Room] (Gaby is sitting with her attorney.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle Solis was conferring with her new divorce lawyer and describing in vivid detail her husbands affair with their maid... (Xiao mei walks in with a tea tray.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...who also happened to be their surrogate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Front Porch] (Lynette, Tom, Kayla and Nora run onto the porch in the rain.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Meanwhile, Lynette Scavo was busy meeting her husbands illegitimate daughter... (Nora removes her wet coat, throws it at Lynette, picks up Kayla and runs into the house.Tom follows leaving Lynette behind holding Noras coat.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...while resisting the urge to strangle the girls mother.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans driveway] (Susan comes running out of her house and gets into her car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:This happened just after Susan Meyer learned Mike Delfino had been badly injured in a hit and run accident and was now in a coma at Fairview Community Hospital. (Susan speeds down Wisteria Lane.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul Youngs Front Yard Pouring rain] (Edie is hanging a Fairview Realty For Sale sign.) Mary Alice Voiceover:At that same moment, Edie Britt was putting up a For Sale sign on the lawn of the house where I once lived. Edie had also planned to spruce up the property by washing down the driveway, but she was pleased to see the rain had already taken care of that.This is what rainy days are good for. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees House] (Bree and Orson, soaking wet, run in the front door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:They make everything clean again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles Front Porch] (The lawyer walks away in the rain.Gabrielle goes back into her house passing Xiao mei.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Front Porch] (Tom follows Kayla and Nora into the house.Lynette is standing on the porch holding Noras coat.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Where everything can get so messy. (Lynette looks at the coat she is holding and throws in down onto the porch and walks into the house and closes the door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Today Pouring rain] (There is an open house being held at the Young house.A male potential buyer walks in the front door.) Edie: Welcome.Welcome. Potential Buyer # 1:My umbrella. Edie: Oh, dont worry about the water, the floors are laminated. Heres a flyer. (Edie turns as she hears Mrs. McCluskey talking to a female potential buyer.) Mrs. McCluskey:They found her severed fingers in the garage. Potential buyer # 2:Oh, no. Mrs. McCluskey:And they never found Felicias body.I wouldnt be surprised if someday you opened the cabinet and whoosh, hello! (Edie comes up behind Mrs. McCluskey and grabs her arm.) Edie: Karen, dear.Have you seen the marble backsplash?Oh, I just must show it to you.Excuse us. (Edie pulls Karen away.) Edie:What are you trying to do to me, you back stabbing cow! Karen:They asked why the owner was selling.I told them that Paul Young was in jail.They asked why.Conversation has a flow. Edie:Well, knock it off! Ive been trying to unload this house of horrors for months now and you are not helping. (Karen reaches for some pastries on the table.)
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Edie: Ah, ah.Those are for potential buyers.You withered old mooch! Karen:Well, good luck trying to find one of those.Maybe youll have an easier time with the Applewhite house and that rec room in the basement. Edie:Get out! (Edie opens the front door and pushes Karen out.) Edie:Get out, get out, get out, get out! Potential Buyer # 3:Edie, ah, do you have a moment, please? Edie:Yes, yes, yes, yes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes House] (Lynette, all dressed up is fixing Toms Tie.The kids are all on the couch all dressed up.Kayla and Nora are in the background.) Lynette:Settle down. Kids:Come on! Lynette:Kayla ready yet? Nora:Just a sec. Tom:Honey, thank you for this.I know its a little weird to send out a family Christmas photo with your husband's love child but it means a lot to her to be included. Lynette:No problem.Shes a great little girl. (Lynette kisses Tom.) Lynette:All right, lets do this.Im just going to check the focus. (Lynette looks in the viewfinder and sees Nora wearing a Santa hat sitting down on the arm of the couch getting into the photo.) Lynette:Nora. Nora: Lynette. Lynette:Uh.What are you doing there? Nora:Well, its a family photo, right? Lynette:Tom, could I, could I check your tie again? (Tom and Lynette go into the kitchen.) Tom:She sat down so quickly I didnt know what to say. Lynette:How about, youre in the frame, Bitch, move. Tom: Lynette. Lynette:No, I am sorry.How much of her crap do I have to put up with?First its little drop bys, than shes inviting herself to dinner three times a week.Now she wants to be in our Christmas photo? Im sorry, no, that is not happening. Nora:Hey guys.Dont fight, its the holidays. Lynette:Nora, this is just for our family.I would prefer if you werent in it. Nora:Oh, okay.Kayla, honey, we gotta go.Theyre kicking us out. Tom: We didnt say that Kayla couldnt be in the photo. Nora:Yeah, but you know what?If Im not your family, then shes not your family. Kayla:Its okay.I dont have to be in the picture. (Tom looks pleadingly at Lynette.) Lynette:Fine, fine, no absolutely fine. (whispering to Tom) Put Crazy at the end and well crop her out later. Tom:Fair enough, fair enough.Hey, everythings okay.Its okay, come on guys, come on back. Nora:Thank you Lynette.Thats the Christmas spirit that I was looking for. (Lynette sets the camera.)
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Lynette:Ten seconds. (She runs into the picture.) Nora:I think this is a little stiff.I have a really fun idea. (Nora dives onto the Scavo kids laps and into the center of the frame as it clicks.The picture is freeze framed with Lynette and Tom looking very shocked.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles Bedroom] (Gabrielle is carrying a food tray to a very pregnant Xiao mei who is lying on Gabrielles bed.) Xiao mei:Where are my crackers? Gabrielle:Were out, but I got you a pickle. Xiao mei: Pickles and soup? Who eats that? Gabrielle:You know, thats all I got. Xiao mei:Every heard of a store? (Xiao mei throws the pickle onto the floor.) Gabrielle:You did not just to that! Xiao mei:I hate pickles. Gabrielle: Pick it up! Xiao mei: Doctor say I only get out of bed to pee.Better for baby.Remember? (Gabrielle picks the pickle up and begins to leave the room.) Xiao mei: Dont go!I need you to rub my feet.Theyre sore and Doctor say... Gabrielle:Oh, cut it out, Xiao mei.The Doctor didnt say anything about me rubbing your chubby stumps.Rub'em yourself. Xiao mei:You treat me like dirt. Gabrielle:Would you rather go live with Mr. Solis in a dingy one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable?Huh?No, I didnt think so. Xiao mei:You are meanest person I know. Gabrielle:I am THE meanest person.Youve been in the country a year.Modify your nouns, damn it. Xiao mei:What a Bitch. Gabrielle:I cant wait for you to pop out that baby because when you do I am putting you on the first plane back to Shanghai, and youre going to be on all fours in a rice patty before the epidural wears off! Xiao mei:But you promised to get me apartment in Chinatown so I can work for my friend in restaurant.Start a new life. Gabrielle:Tell it to my Chinese friend, Sue Me!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Hospital] (Mike is laying in a coma as Susan shaves him.) Doctor:You know we do have people here in the hospital that do that. Susan:But I like doing it.I think Mike would want me to.Oops. (The doctor has Susan a tiny piece of toilet paper to cover the cut on Mikes face.Mike has several pieces of paper covering cuts on his face.) Susan:So you got the results of his latest MRI yet? Doctor:Im afraid there was no change. Susan:Oh.Well, how long until you can do another one? Doctor:I dont want to tell you not to be optimistic but.. Susan: Look, I know its been six months but he could still come out of it, right?I saw on the news there was this woman in Peru, she woke up after ten years.
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Doctor:Theres a reason that made the news. Susan:You might think Im naive but I know hes coming back to me. Doctor:Susan. Susan: Dont say it.You just keep doing your job and Ill keep doing mine.Oops. (Susan puts another tiny piece of paper on another cut.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Dining Room] (Bree and Orson are having a romantic candlelit dinner.) Bree:That Rosotto was perfect. Orson:Just like you.Listen, I hope you saved room for dessert. (Orson clears the dinner dishes and takes them into the kitchen.He comes back holding a bakery box.) Orson:I got us something special from a wonderful little bakery downtown. Bree:Oh. (Orson opens the bakery box.Inside is two desserts.One is shaped into a blue Tiffany box.He places the blue box in front of Bree.) Bree:That is so adorable but I dont think I can eat another bite. Orson:Here, let me take half. (Orson removes the lid.There is an engagement ring inside.) Orson:What do you say Bree? Will you marry me? Bree:Ah.This is a little sudden, isnt it? Orson:Weve only known each other six months but Ive loved you every minute of it.But if you dont share my feelings. Bree:No, no, um, I do.It just that I, um, cant help being cautious, since Rex I havent been exactly lucky in love. Orson:I use to feel the same way.When Alma left me I was shattered.I realize now that it was the luckiest day of my life because it meant I was free when I met you.Luck can change Bree.Let me change yours. Bree:Yes. Orson:Yes? Bree:Yes, I will marry you, Orson. (Orson takes the ring out of the box and puts it on Brees finger.He sighs as he pulls the top of the confectionary box and eats it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview County Hospital -Jane Hansworths room] (Ian is sitting in a chair looking at his comatose wife.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Ian Hansworth had be miserable ever since a tragic horse back riding accident had left his wife, Jane, in a coma. [Flashback] (Ian is getting coffee from the coffee machine.He walks by a group of laughing young nurses.) Mary Alice Voiceover:For the next three years, he shied away from all social contact because he wanted to be alone with his grief. [Flashback] (Ian is getting coffee.He turn and runs into Susan.They talk and shake hands.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Then one day he met Susan Meyer, who because of her own tragedy was just as miserable as he was. [Flashback] (Ian getting coffee, runs into Susan.They talk and laugh and walk away together.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:And Ian was loving this company.... [Present] (Ian is walking down the hallway carrying two cups of coffee.) Mary Alice Voiceover:More and more everyday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mikes Room] (Susan is exercising Mike by rotating his arm.Ian walks in as Susan scratches her face with Mikes hand.) Susan:Two, three.Oh, itch, itch, itch.Oh, itch, itch, itch. Ian: Do the nurses know you do this? Susan:Oh, hey, you werent supposed to see that. Ian:Well, clearly.You can buy my silence if youll have coffee with me. Susan:Oh, I would love to but I think Im in a rush here.Im supposed to meet my girlfriends for lunch at 1:00.Is it 1:00 yet? Ian:Well, you tell me.I noticed you are always rushing into the hall to check the time, so I, um, I bought you this. (Ian pulls a watch out of his pocket and holds it out to Susan.) Susan:Oh, wow.Um, um, I cant accept this.This is too extravagant. Ian:Oh, no, its not.Theres a guy on the sidewalk had a bunch of them laid out on a blanket.If you check closely it says, ": Pholex". Susan:Ha, still I... Ian: Please, it would make me so happy if you took it. Susan:Well, in that case, thank you for my cheap knock-off.Oh, my god, Im late. (Susan grabs her stuff and runs out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Country Club] (Construction work is going on.A posted sign says Coming Soon, Our New Pro Shop.) (Bree walks into the dining room where Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are waiting.) Bree:Hi, hi, hi, hi.Im so sorry Im late. Lynette:No, thats fine.Wow, white gloves.What are we having lunch in the 1880s. Bree:Well, its a very elegant club.You know Orsons been a member here for years. It will be even nicer when they finish the construction. Susan:So you were very mysterious on the phone.Why did you want to have lunch? Bree: Well, um, I wanted to invite you to a dinner that Orson and I are having this Saturday. Susan:So you asked us to a meal to announce another meal?Thats so Bree of you. Gabrielle:Whats the occasion?Bree:Oh, um, no occasion.Just a little get together. Lynette:What are you being so coy about? Bree:Im not being coy. Lynette:She said coyly. Gabrielle:If you dont tell us, were not coming. Bree:Oh, all right.I wanted to wait and make a proper announcement, but... (Bree removes the white glove on her left hand.The girls see her ring.Bree holds her hand out to Gabrielle.) Bree:Orson and I are engaged. Gabrielle:Oh my gosh! Lynette:Wow! Susan: Let me see.Oh. Lynette:You move fast.
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Bree:I know its quick but its just feel so right.Orson is just the most warm, wonderful, generous man. Gabrielle:Oh, generous.That means hes good in the sack. Bree:Actually, no, we havent had sex yet.Were waiting until we get married. (Gabrielle breaks out in laughter.Bree looks shocked.) Gabrielle:Oh my god, youre serious?No sex at all? No even... um... Bree:Whatever youre alluding to, no. Gabrielle:But youre gonna get married.You wouldnt buy a car without at least taking it for a little test drive.Its not like youve never slept with a guy you werent married to. Bree:True, I have in the past, given myself away too freely.How charming of you to bring that up while Im announcing my engagement.But Id like to think that Ive learned from my mistakes.So the dinner is at 8:00 and when we make the announcement, please, everyone look surprised. Gabrielle:Oh, dont worry, Im just going to replay the look I had when I found out you hadnt banged him yet. (Bree gasps out loud in shock.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette and Tom are busy preparing for a party.Tom is filling balloons with helium.As Lynette comes up next to him Tom breathes in some helium.) Tom: (voice distorted) Hey, Sexy Momma. Lynette: (laughing) Thats cute. Tom:So you invited Kayla to Parkers birthday party, right. Lynette:Of course. Tom: And? Lynette:And? Tom:What did you tell Nora? Lynette:I told her that we were picking up Kayla for a quiet afternoon at home. Tom:You lied? Lynette:Yeah, your damn straight I lied.I will not have that lunatic ruining one more family gathering. Tom:But Kaylas gonna, you know, tell Nora that we had a party and Im just afraid that Noras gonna blow a gasket. What? Lynette:So what are you saying?Youre more afraid of Nora that you are of me? Tom:Is, is that what you think I meant, because that is so not what I meant.You scare the hell out of me, Baby. Lynette:Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Community Hospital - Janes Room] (Ian is arranging flowers as Susan walks in carrying two cups.) Susan:The coffee machines was broken so I got us a couple of smoothies.They had strawberry and strawberry. Ian:Well, I hate strawberry, so give me the strawberry. (Susan hands Ian the cup.She puts her purse down and goes to Janes bedside as Ian goes behind the curtain to arrange the flowers.) Susan:Hi Jane. Ian:Nothing against smoothies but I, I wouldnt mind having some real food sometime.Maybe we could go to a restaurant. Susan:Um, you mean like outside the hospital? Ian:Yeah, you know, like a date.
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(Susan spins quickly toward the curtain that Ian is behind.Her smoothie goes flying all over Jane.) Susan:A date?Ahhhh. Ian:There a bistro just down the street. (Susan grabs gobs of kleenes and tries to clean Jane who is covered with smoothie.) Susan: (whispers to Jane)Sorry.Ah, well, that sounds, ah, just, ah, that sounds great. (Susan tries to pull the curtain to clean Jane but it wont reach.) Ian:I mean, I hope thats okay? Susan:Yeah, ah. (Susan runs and grabs a blanket.She throws it over Jane.She tries to arrange it neatly just as Ian comes out with the arranged flowers.) Ian:No, no, no, I was thinking about how that sounded just now.The, ah, date thing.Really sprang it on you out of nowhere. Susan:Yes, you did. (Ian looks down and sees the blanket covering Jane.) Susan:Jane looked cold. Ian:Oh. Thanks.Look, were both in difficult situations.Ive been in mine a lot longer than you have so if youre not ready, I understand.If you ever should be, let me know. Susan:All right.Well, I am really hungry. Ian:Well, lets go to the blood bank and swipe some sugar cookies. (As Ian and Susan leave the room a nurse walks in.Susan lags behind and whispers to the nurse.) Susan:Oh, um, you might want to give Jane a sponge bath cause she had a little accident. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Backyard] (Its decorated with balloon and party trimming.Kids are running, screaming, and playing.Phone rings and Lynette answers.) Lynette:Hello. Nora:Hey Lynette, its me. Lynette:Hey, Nora. Nora:Are you having a party? (Lynette holds her hand over the phone and tries to silence everyone.Tom knows Nora is on the phone and he also tried to silence the kids.) Lynette:Shhh, Shh, Quiet, Shush! Tom: Quiet! Lynette: (into the phone) No, no, no, of course not. In fact were just having a quiet afternoon at home.The kids are so bored Tom and I were thinking about taking them out for ice cream. Nora: (angry) Well, would you tell Kayla that Mommy called to check on her. Lynette:Oh, I will, I will.And Ill see you tonight. Nora:Okay, Bye. Tom:You think she bought it? Lynette:No, I think shell be over here in ten minutes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Backyard] (Everyone is grabbing everything.Tom is pulling down the birthday signs.) Lynette:Okay, now, move it.Ive got ten bucks here for the kid who can carry the most stuff. Okay? (The kids are all scrambling around grabbing stuff.) (Lynette is on the phone.)
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Lynette:Hey, Gaby, its Lynette.Got a little emergency.Is it okay if we use your backyard? Great, great, and we take full responsibility for whatever the pony does.Hope you get this message soon.Oh! (Lynette sees more balloons and runs to grab them.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul Youngs House] (Edie is giving a tour to a couple.) Man:My only concern would be the neighborhood.We really need a quiet place for our retirement. Edie:Oh, are you kidding.Theres no place in Fairview thats more peaceful. (Edie opens the front door.Lynette, Tom, a bunch of kids, a Clown are all running down the street carrying balloons and toys and screaming.) Lynette:Okay, kids.Come on, Come on! (Edie quickly closes the door.) Edie: Let me show you the media room. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles yard] (Lynette is guiding all the kids into the yard.She and Tom close the gate.) Lynette:Okay, all right, everybodys in. Tom:Wheres the cake. Lynette:Oh, crap! (Lynette takes off running.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Kitchen] (Lynette picks up the cake with candle on it, when she hears.) Nora:Yoo Whoo!Anybody home? (Nora enters the front door.Lynette puts the cake on the floor and kicks it so it slides into the laundry room.) Nora:Hello? Lynette:Hey, Nora, wow.We werent expecting you until seven. Nora:So wheres Kayla? Lynette:I thought I told you Tom took the kids to the movies. Nora: (accusingly) You said ice cream. Lynette:Ah hun, after the movies.Movies than ice cream.An American tradition.So is something wrong? Nora:To be honest I thought that you were lying and having a party. Lynette:Oh. Nora:I guess I was wrong. Lynette:Oh, apology accepted.You want me to walk you to your car? (Just then a little boy with a party hat comes out of the bathroom.) Little Boy:Where did everybody go? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Front Porch] (Nora comes storming out.Lynette follows.) Lynette:Nora, look, I am sorry I lied.You know you gave me no choice. Nora: Lynette, I want my daughter. Wheres the damn party? Lynette: No, Im not telling. Nora:Wheres the party? (Lynette shakes her head no.Just then Nora sees a red balloon floating out of Gabrielles back yard.They both take off running.Lynette passes Nora and blocks Gabrielles gate.)
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Lynette:No, no, no, no.You want in youre going to have to go through me. Nora:I want my kid, Lynette. (screaming) KAYLA! KAYLA COME OUT HERE NOW! (Tom comes out.) Tom:What is going on? Nora:Well, first you have a party and you dont invite me.And then you lie about it.So now, were leaving. (Kayla comes out.Tom holds her.) Tom:Wait a minute, hold on, hold on, Kayla.Im sorry.Were sorry.We shouldnt have done that. (Lynette turns and looks at Tom, disgusted.) Tom:But look, Kayla is having such a good time.Why dont we all just come on in and have some cake and we can just.... (Lynette turns and begins to walk away.) Tom: Lynette, Lynette.We can just have fun.Could you excuse me for one second. (Tom runs after Lynette.) Tom: Lynette, Lynette.Okay, okay, I know, but what else can I do?Im just thinking of Kayla. Lynette:I know you are Tom, and I know love her. Why else do you think Im willing to put up with all this for six months?Why do you think Im willing to say to my college roommates, Yes, thats my husbands love child and her mother in our Christmas picture.Because I am your wife!You always come first with me.Do I still come first with you? (Tom turns and marches back to Nora and Kayla.) Tom:I guess Ill see you later Nora. Nora:Well, Im taking Kayla. Tom:Well, thats a shame.Ive gotta go hoist a pinata! Kayla:Oh Mommy, they have a pinata! Nora:FINE!Ill be back at seven.But there had better be a corner piece of cake for me. (Nora leaves.) Tom: (to Kayla) Come on Kayla, go have some fun. (Kayla runs back into the backyard.) Lynette:Thank you for that. Tom:Sure.Ill be back in twenty minutes. Lynette:Gonna go buy a pinata? Tom:Sure am. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles Bedroom] (Gabrielle enters carrying a tray.) Gabrielle:Come on out, I have your lunch.(turns the TV on)Xiao mei, your favorite soap is on.Theres a doctor fondling a patient on the operating table.Youre missing it! (walking around checking the room)Xiao mei! Xiao mei! (Gabrielle runs to the closet.Opens it and its completely empty.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Villa Foster Apartment Complex] (Carlos is carrying in boxes from his car.Gabrielle drives up.) Gabrielle:Hey!Quick question.Have you by any chance seen Xiao mei? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Chinatown] (Carlos and Gabrielle are walking through the busy marketplace.) Carlos:I cant believe you lost our baby!
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Gabrielle:I did not lose our baby.Stop saying that!I know exactly where it is!Inside some crazy Chinese woman!Who also stole half a chicken from my fridge! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Busy Chinese Restaurant] (Gabrielle and Carlos walk in.Gabrielle approaches the owner.Lee Wang is carrying a plate of Moo Sho Pork.) Gabrielle: Hi, hi, Lee Wang, right.Remember me.Xiao mei lives with me.You came over, we had lunch. Lee:You got some nerve showing your face here! Get out! Gabrielle:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!Hey, what happened to that famous Chinese hospitality? Lee:Xiao mei called me.She said you threatened to send her back to China to work as a slave in the rice patty! Gabrielle:I may have mentioned deportation but I didnt think shed take it personally. Carlos:Are you crazy? Gabrielle:It was banter!I mean, has this country come to the point where you cant joke with the help? (Gabrielle taps Lees arm with her purse.) Lee:You treat Xiao mei like dirt!Shes just a poor innocent girl trying to live the American dream, just like your ancestors! Gabrielle:Oh, dont give me that we are the world crap!That womans uterus is harboring a stolen baby!So if you know where she is youd better start taking, or else Im going to get the Health Department down her and get a closer look at what youre serving as Moo Sho Pork! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the restaurant] (Carlos and Gabrielle walk out.The front of Gabrielles shirt is covered with Moo Sho Pork.Gabrielle walks as though nothing happened.Carlos is smirking.) Gabrielle:Boy, those people just dont have a sense of humor, do they? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Paul Youngs House] (Edie is showing the house to two young men.) Edie:Im telling you at this number its not going to last long. Young Man # 1:Well, we like the neighborhood but weve heard that some odd things have gone on with this house. Edie:Complete fabrications.Malicious lies fed by jealous competitors.Now youve got to check out this storage. Youre not going to believe what you can fit in here. (Edie opens the downstairs closet.Xiao mei is sitting in the closet with a plate of food.She makes the shushing motion to Edie, who quickly closes the door.) Edie:And now the media room. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Kitchen] (Bree is carrying in two bowls.Orson is right behind her.) Bree:Wow, we certainly devoured that ice cream.Can I get you anything else? (Orson puts his arms around Bree from behind and begins kissing her neck.) Orson:You tell me. Bree:Hummm.Orson. Orson:Humm. (Bree turns and he kisses her.He begins untying her blouse.) Bree: Ummm.Ummm.I thought we...Orson? Orson:Hum?I just assumed now that were engaged.
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Bree: Does that change our core values? Orson:No.But when I saw you standing in front of the freezer in a clingy silk dress; lets just say, well, you challenged me. Bree: (retying her blouse) Well, I thought we agreed we wanted our wedding night to be perfect. Orson:Yes.Actors want opening night to be perfect so thats why they rehearse. Bree:Hum.It will be better this way.Now can I get you some more ice cream? Orson:Not in that dress. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Community Hospital] (Susan enters Mikes room.She lays down on the bed next to Mike.) Susan:Hi.Um.So I need to ask you something. Ian, you know, from across the hall.You met him.Anyway, he sort of asked me out on a date.I know youre thrown, I was thrown too.But hes really nice and I could sort of use someone to talk to, who also talks back.The thing is Im sort of lonely.The past six months have been really hard on me.So what I need is, I need to know if it okay with you if I go out with him.Because if its not, I wont.In fact Id like nothing better than for you to just wake up right now and tell me not to go out with him.Just wake up and tell me!Wake up! (pleading)Please! (Susan puts her head on Mikes chest.) Susan:Oh.All right.Ill see you tomorrow. (She leans over and kisses him.) Susan:I love you.(Leaving)It is really just dinner. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Carlos Apartment Building] (Gabrielle, on the phone, is parked in front.) Gabrielle:Im just dropping off Carlos now and Ill be by to pick her up.Okay, thanks Edie. (hangs up)Xiao meis fine.Crisis averted, no harm, no foul. Carlos:How can you say that?You endangered the life of our baby today. Gabrielle: Dont you dare give me that attitude.You have no idea what Ive been going through this past six months. Carlos:Ah..here we go. Gabrielle:I have had to wait hand and foot on your mistress.I mean imagine if the day after you found out about John Rowland you had to make his lunch and rub his feet! Carlos: (getting out of the car) Well, John Rowland wasnt carrying our kid!Forgive me for being concerned about our surrogate. Gabrielle:Xiao mei is going to be fine!Once that baby comes her slate is going to be wiped clean.Shes going to walk away and live her American dream!Me?Im going to be stuck!A single mother raising a child alone.Haggling with lawyers over who gets the kid at Christmas.My American dream is officially dead. Carlos:Im sorry. Gabrielle:Thank you. Carlos:Just so you know, my dream isnt.... (Gabrielle speeds away.Tires are screeching.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Kitchen] (Orson is at the sink wearing gloves scrubbing out wine glasses.Bree enters talking on the phone.) Bree: Okay, so we will see you Saturday and please pretend to be surprised.Bye. (Bree hangs up.) Orson: Told someone else?Bree, I thought the whole point of the party was to announce our engagement.
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Bree:I just cant help it.I like telling people.Makes me feel, I dont know.Makes me feel like Im starting over.Feels good. Orson:Feels good to me too. (He turns to kiss her.He puts his gloved hand behind his back.) Orson:Ahh.No hands, see! (They kiss.Bree looks as the glasses Orson is washing.) Bree:You dont have to wash those.I already did them. Orson:Oh I found some streaks.Im wiping them down with undiluted red wine vinegar. Bree:Ive never heard that. Orson:Oh sure.And for tougher spots I use a fifty fifty mix of denatured alcohol and water.And for those really intractable stains, I mean, were talking shower doors, I wipe on laquer thinner with a towel. (Bree is breathing heavy and starting at Orson.) Orson:Bree? (Bree grabs Orson and kisses him passionately.She drags him into the bedroom.The kitchen faucet is still on.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Bedroom] (Bree and Orson are on the bed kissing.They begin undressing.Orson starts kissing Bree moving lower and lower.) Bree:Ahh, excuse me. Orson:Huh? Bree: Did you lose something? Orson:No, I just thought, for you. Bree:Oh!Um.I dont do that. Orson:Why not? Bree:Im a Republican! Orson:Im a Libraterian.I believe in minimizing the role of the State and maximizing individual rights. Bree:But Orson! Orson:Trust me.I know what Im doing. Bree:Okay. (Orson goes back down.) [Brees Kitchen Sink] (The faucet is pouring into a cup.The cup overflows into a bowl.The bowl overflows into a dish. The dish overflows into the sink.The sink fills up and the water overflows onto the floor.) [Brees Bedroom] (Bree sits up quickly and gasps.) Bree:Ah.Oh, no! Orson:What?You didnt just crack that veneer again, did you? Bree: (getting out of bed) I have to go. Orson: Go? Go where? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Doctors Office] (A female doctor is examining Bree.) Bree:And then it was like something inside ruptured.Well, not so much a rupture as a spasm.Waves of this hot, clutching.I think I might have had a small stroke! Doctor:How severe were the pains? Bree: Well, thats the odd thing.I mean there was no pain, per se, in fact, it wasnt entirely unpleasant.
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Doctor:What were you doing at the time? Bree: I was, ah, with my fiance.We were lying down, resting. Doctor:Im gonna take a wild swing here.Were you having sex? Bree:Sort of. Doctor:Ms. Van de Kamp, I think you may have had an orgasm. Bree:No, no, no.Ive had orgasms before. Doctor:Hum.How would you describe them? Bree:Oh you know, that warm sensation, that tingling feeling of relief when its over.No, no, this was much... Doctor:Better? Bree: Yes. Doctor:Thats cause it was, an orgasm. Bree:Oh.Well, Ill be darn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Raining - Night] (A woman with an umbrella is walking toward Brees house.) [Brees Living Room] (Guests are there for Bree and Orsons party.Many guests are mingling.) Gabrielle:Phanding out a drink) Here you go. (Julie is looking at Brees engagement ring.) Julie:Its beautiful. Mrs. McCluskey:Oh my goodness. (Doorbell rings.Bree goes to answer the door.Carolyn Bixby is standing there.) Bree:Hi, can I help you? Carolyn:Are you Bree Van de Kamp? Bree: Yes, and you are? Carolyn: Carolyn Bixby.I was Orsons neighbor. Bree:Oh well, come on in.Lets dry you off and get you a drink. (Carolyn follows Bree into the living room.) Carolyn:I didnt come here to celebrate. Orson:Carolyn. Carolyn:Engaged again?That was quick work.Does she know you killed your wife? Orson:My wife left me! Carolyn:And no one ever heard from her again.Not me, not her family.Just dropped off the face of the Earth. Bree:Orson, what is she talking about? Carolyn: Didnt tell you that part, did he? Orson:All right Carolyn.Youve made your little speech. Carolyn:You keep your hands off me.Dont let him fool you.Get away from him now while you can. (Bree goes to the front door.) Bree: Please leave my house. Carolyn:Fine.Be a fool.Marry him.Just dont be surprised when you go missing too. (Carolyn leaves.Bree closes the door and walks into the kitchen as the shocked guests watch. Orson follows her into the kitchen.) Orson:Im sorry you had to endure that. Bree:Your wife disappeared? Orson:I tried to find her.Her family claimed not to have heard from her.Personally I think she was just trying to punish me.
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Bree:So are you still married? Orson:No.I was granted a divorce on the grounds of abandonment. (taking Brees hand, squeezing it) Bree,you cant possibly think that.... Bree:No, of course not.I love you. Orson:And I love you. Bree:Orson, my hand. (He lets go and Bree walks away.Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are talking in the living room as Bree walks in.) Bree:The buffet is open. Susan:Bree? (Bree holds up her hand stopping Susan.The guest walks up to the table.) (Later, the platters on the table are empty and the guests are gone.Bree walks out of the kitchen with a full trash bag.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Front Yard] (She walks outside into the rain to the trashcans on the curb.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Every storm brings with it hope.That somehow by morning everything will be made clean again.And even the most troubling stains will have disappeared. (Bree stands in the rain by the trashcans.Orson comes out and stares at her.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Like the doubts over his innocence. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette Front Porch] (Lynette runs up and goes in the door.She sees Kayla and Tom playing in the living room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Or the consequence of his mistake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles House] (Gabrielle walks in the front door.Xiao mei is sitting at the table eating.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Like the scars of his betrayal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans House] (Susan walks in.She sits next to a picture of Mike and her in happy times.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Or the memory of his kiss. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees House] (Bree is still standing in the rain.Orson walks back into the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:So we wait for the storm to pass hoping for the best. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Country Club Construction Site] (The pouring rain is causing the mud to run.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Even though we know in our hearts some stains are so indelible, nothing can wash them away. (Panning up the mud, a hand is sticking out of the mud.) ~THE END~
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Desperate Housewives 3X02: It Takes Two -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate.housewives... Tom:It means a lot to her to feel included. Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes dark clouds have silver linings... Susan:He sort of asked me out. Susan:It's okay with you if I go out with him? Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes they don't. Gabrielle:Once that baby comes,I'm gonna be stuck raising a child alone. Mary Alice Voiceover:When it comes to life on Wisteria Lane... Orson:Will you marry me? Mary Alice Voiceover:Things that seem too good to be true... Carolyn: Does she know you killed your wife? Mary Alice Voiceover:Usually turn out... Carolyn:Get away from him now while you can. Mary Alice Voiceover:...to be deadly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Living Room] (Bree is smiling as she looks at her three friends.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Brides are sensitive creatures. And no one knows this better than the bridesmaids who have to deal with them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Susan's Dining Room] (Susan is under the dining room table working on the train of Bree's wedding dress.) Susan: Well, I think a ten-foot train is great, but a shorter one would be just as nice and you wouldn't have to worry about people tripping on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Lynette's Kitchen] (Lynette is sitting at her table talking to Bree. Lynette is holding a cup of coffee and a list of duties in her hands.) Lynette: Personally, I love smoked rabbit, but for a sure crowd-pleaser you can't beat chicken. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Gabrielle's Kitchen] (Gabrielle is talking to Bree. Gabrielle has a walkman and earphones in her hands.) Gabrielle: Uh, sure, who doesn't love a string quartet. But if you got a band, maybe people could dance as opposed to sway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day - Bree's Living Room] (Bree is smiling at the girls.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But the one area where bridesmaids' tact is most required involves the dress... Bree: So what do you think? Mary Alice Voiceover:...she's required to wear. (Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are standing in front of Bree wearing matching lime green bridesmaid dresses.) Susan: Well, ah, I'm not sure that I've ever seen this shade of green before.
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Bree: Yeah, don't you think it will be gorgeous with my coloring? Gabrielle: Yes, it would look perfect. Lynette (under her breath): For someone with your coloring. (Gabrielle elbows Lynette.) Bree: I mean I was lucky to find these. It's not easy putting a wedding together in two weeks. Susan: Then why the rush? Gabrielle: Yeah, Bree, I always thought of you as a person who wants time to plan. Bree: Well, Orson and I talked about it and we just feel at our age, it's silly to wait. And with your help, I'm sure we can get it all done. Lynette: Well, we are happy to pitch in. Bree: Oh, that reminds me. (pointing to Lynette) I have to get a copy of the seating chart for you. Gaby, you are in charge of the centerpieces. (pointing to Susan) And don't worry Susan, I will think of a job for you. (Bree goes upstairs.) Susan: Here's a job. How about talking you out of marrying a homicidal dentist? Gabrielle: Susan! We don't know that! All we have is some crazy woman's accusation. Susan: His wife vanished and he didn't even tell Bree. How much more proof do you need? Lynette: He says he innocent. She believes him. If we say we don't, she'll just end up hating us. Susan: Well, I'm sorry I cannot sit here on my key lime ass and watch Bree make the worst mistake of her life! (Bree clears her throat. The ladies turn and see her coming down the stairs holding the seating chart.) Bree: And what mistake would that be? Susan: Well. Um. Honestly... Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, a bridesmaid can question many of the bride's choices... Susan: These dresses are hideous. Mary Alice Voiceover:...but the groom isn't one of them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Two men carefully carry a wedding cake with Bride and Groom figurines on top of it into Gabrielle's house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The perfect couple. We've all met them, haven't we? That man and woman so clearly made for each other, we feel certain they are on the road to happiness. But that road has many detours. (Focus in on a picture of Carlos and Gabrielle at their wedding.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And even perfect couples can find themselves at a dead end. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Alvin Portsmith Divorce Mediation Office) Carlos: You want what? Gabrielle: You heard me. And I want the bedroom stereo,want the marble console and that painting of Saint Augustine. Carlos: You don't even know who he is! Gabrielle: I know he matches the drapes! Mr. Portsmith: People, can we focus here. Gabrielle: And I want my pearl necklace back. Don't think I didn't notice that you swiped it. Carlos: That was my mama's, and hers before her. I think it belongs in my family. Gabrielle: There was a time you thought I belonged in your family. And you got over that! (Carlos grabs for some french fries on a plate in front of Gabrielle. She slaps his hand.) Gabrielle: Stop eating my fries!
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Carlos: I'm hungry. Gabrielle: You know what the doctor said. (to Mr. Portsmith) You should see his cholesterol. This man bleeds bacon grease. Mr. Portsmith: Enough! You two are gonna have to find a way to deal with each other because you are about to bring a child into this world. And divorced or not, once that child arrives, you will be bound together for as long as you live. Gabrielle: Well, in that case, have some more fries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's Porch] (Nora and Lynette come out the door.) Nora: I'll pick Kayla up on Sunday. Lynette: Whenever, just go. You and Turk have a great time. Nora: Oh trust me, we will. (An old beat-up van is parked in front of Lynette's house. Standing by the door is a man in a tank T-shirt with tattoos and long hair, nodding to Nora.) Nora: The man is a jack hammer. Lynette: Ah. (Tom walks up carrying groceries.) Nora: Bye, Tom. Tom: Hi. Nora: See you Sunday. (Nora runs to Turk.) Tom: Where is she going? Lynette: She and Turk are going down to the river for the weekend. Tom: That's Turk? That's the new boyfriend? Uh-uh, no! Lynette: Hey, hey, hey! Please! Tom: I don't want my daughter hanging around with a guy like that! Lynette: You haven't even met him. He could be the sweetest man in the world. (Tom and Lynette look over to Turk and Nora. Nora jumps into Turks arms and Turk grabs Nora's butt.) Lynette: More importantly, ever since he entered the picture, Squeaky Fromm is never around. It has been bliss! I haven't made this face.(she grits her teeth) in a week. If you ruin this, so help me, I will hurt you! Tom: Just look at him. Look at him. Please, I swear that is a child's skull hanging from his mirror! Doesn't that concern you? Lynette: No, I'm good. Could be a monkey. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Susan, with Ian, is looking at a menu.) Susan: I think I will have the Mescaline Salad. Ian: That's it? That's all you're having? Susan (whispering): Well, all of the food is very expensive. Ian (whispering): You don't need to whisper. The waiter knows they're robbing us blind. You can have whatever you want. Susan: In that case I'll have the lobster bisque and the veal with the black truffles. Is that okay? Ian: Yeah, that's fine. I'll just have Jane moved to the VA Hospital. Susan: Oh my god!
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Ian: I'm kidding. It's fine. I'll have what she's having. Waiter: Of course. Thank you. Ian: God, I love seeing you laugh. Susan: Oh, well, it's been a long time since I've been in a mood to, thank you. (Susan reaches over and squeezes Ian's hand.) Ian: Oh, dear God. Susan: Did I squeeze too hard? Ian: No, it's my wife's parents. Susan: Oh, oh, wow. Oh, is this going to be awkward? Ian: No, no, no. No, not unless, of course, they see us. Jeff: Ian! Ian: Awkward. Jeff, Renee, what, what a delightful surprise. Renee: It's so good to see you, dear. (They both look at Susan and there's a long pause.) Renee: Hello, I'm Renee, and this is my husband, Jeff. Susan: Susan Mayer. Ian: Doctor! Doctor Susan Mayer. She's new to Jane's neurology team. Renee: Oh, I just assumed you worked in Ian's publishing house. Susan: Well, yes, and how nice that would have been, huh? Um, but, no, no, I'm a brain specialist. Jeff: Oh, Dr. Mayer, maybe I can ask you. Our daughter's most recent EEG showed brain spikes? But it didn't change the score on her Glascow scan. Why is that? Susan: What an excellent question. (Later, Susan has drawn a side of a head and brain on a napkin.) Susan: And this is the, uh, spinal cord. And it, of course, attaches to the brain. Jeff: You don't have to dumb it down for us, doctor. We've been dealing with Jane's condition for years. Susan: Oh, good. Um, I'm, um, well, then let's get technical. Ian: Let's give Dr. Mayer the night off. She was in surgery for ten hours today performing a craniotomy. Renee: That's exactly the procedure Jane had. How'd it go? Susan: Uh, well, I, it just, wow. I hear my phone vibrating. (into her phone) Hello, Dr. Mayer. Yeah, what? You say that his brain shut off? Oh, I'll be right there, um, stat! (hangs up) I'm sorry, duty calls. (Susan leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's Living Room] Bree: Orson, I moved the furniture back! Orson: Good lord, Bree, not again. (Bree turns on some piano music and grabs Orson's hands.) Bree: Don't you want our first dance to be perfect? Orson: Mm. Bree: There'll be two hundred people staring at us. (They begin to dance.) Orson: You know, Bree, since that incident at our engagement party, there's been a lot of dark talk about me. Bree: Well, I don't pay attention to gossip. Orson: I'm just saying I would understand if you had second thoughts about marrying a man who is under a cloud. Bree: Well, no one who knows you could seriously believe that you could hurt a woman. Strangers may talk, but I know the truth.
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Orson: Really. Bree: Men have lied to me before. Believe me, it'ill never happen again. Orson: So, you trust me completely? (He dips her and she tilts her head back, then looks up at him.) Bree: Clearly, I do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Morgue] (The coroner is beginning an autopsy of the body of a woman.) Coroner: The body is unusually well-preserved because it was buried in clay. Detective: Do we have a cause of death? Coroner: Blunt force trauma to the head. Detective (to second Detective): I want you to pull all the missing persons reports. Cross check against her height, age, and weight. Coroner: I'm also running a DNA panel, since we won't be able to use her dental records. Detective: Why not? Coroner: Whoever killed her pulled out all her teeth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House - Nighttime] (Lynette, carrying laundry upstairs, hears someone sobbing. She finds Nora on the porch crying.) Lynette: Nora, what are you doing back? Are you okay? Nora: Shut the door! I don't want Kayla to find me like this. Lynette: What's wrong? Nora: Turk and I had a fight. Lynette: What? No! No, no, no. What happened? Nora: What happened is Turk is an ass! On the way up to the river we stopped at this bar and we were playing pool, and I got a little bitchy with one of the waitresses. Who cares, right, I mean, who cares? It's a bar and we all do it, right? Lynette: Right. Nora: So, he tells me to watch my mouth. Then I'm like, whoa, get a load of Mr. Two Strikes trying to tell me how to act in public. And then he called me a whore! We're done. Lynette: Okay, whoa, whoa, take a deep breath. You don't wanna break up with a guy because, in a weak moment, he calls you a whore. Nora: And then on the way out, he threatened to hit me. Lynette: Okay, but he didn't, he didn't, and you know until... Nora: Oh jeez, Lynette, whose side are you on? Lynette: I'm on the side of love. You guys seem like such a perfect couple. Nora: I know. Lynette: I just, I, I, you know, you don't wanna throw that all away 'cause of a little fight with no hitting. Nora: No, it's over. I just got off the phone with Turk's parole officer, and it was like, 'guess who ain't in Nevada no more?' click. (Nora begins crying again, moves over, and puts her head on Lynette's shoulder. Nora: I think I might have to stay here tonight. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's Bedroom - Late Night] (Edie is fast asleep. She wakes up when she hears a noise downstairs. Edie goes outside, holding a shotgun. She sees someone opening her side window and beginning to enter her house.)
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Edie: Freeze! (The man turns around.) Edie: Austin? Austin: Hey, Aunt Edie. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Edie takes two beers from the refrigerator.) Austin: Anyway, Mom just got back from a cruise to Jamaica with new boobs and a twenty-four year old cabin boy. Edie: Oh. Austin: Needless to say, me and Mr. 'Can I get you some more hot towels,' we didn't exactly hit it off. So, after I broke his nose, I figured it was time to come visit my favorite aunt. Edie: Your Mom always did have lousy taste in men. Austin: So, I figured I'd crash here for the night. Then hitch down to Mexico. Hang out, party. Edie: Yeah, I'm thinking, like, no way in hell. You're gonna stay here with me until things blow over with your mom, okay? Austin: Cool, thanks. (Edie hands Austin a beer.) Edie: Oh, wait. You're eighteen, right? Austin: Well, that's what my ID says. Edie: Yeah, mine too. (She hands him a beer.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle is doing yoga. A very pregnant Xiao-Mei comes downstairs.) Gabrielle: Hey. You are supposed to be on bed rest! Xiao-Mei: I'm bored! Gabrielle: Well, why don't you try putting on a pair of pants? That should kill a couple of hours. (The doorbell rings. Gabrielle answers.) Carlos: Hey, babe. Hey, what's she doing out of bed? That can't be good for her. Gabrielle: Or the stairs. What do you want? Carlos: The mediator was right. A month from now we're not just gonna be Carlos and Gaby, we're going to be Mom and Dad. And I don't want to be at war with the mother of my child. So here. Gabrielle: Your mama's pearls? Carlos! Thank you. Carlos: And? Gabrielle: And what? Carlos: Wouldn't you like to make some reciprocal gesture? Gabrielle: Fine. You can come to Bree's wedding reception, as my guest. Carlos: Thanks. Where is it? Gabrielle: Here. Carlos: Here. You're throwing the reception? Gabrielle: Yeah. That's our wedding present to Bree. Carlos: So I give you a priceless family heirloom, and in return, you invite me to party at my house that I'm paying for? Gabrielle: Well, what kind of gesture did you have in mind? (Carlos bends slightly and points to his cheek. Gabrielle kisses him on the cheek.)
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Gabrielle: Things I'll do for jewelry. (Gabrielle wipes her mouth.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital - Mike's Room] (Susan is sitting next to Mike as Ian walks in.) Ian: Susan, I am so sorry. Susan: Dr. Mayer? Ian: Panic, pure panic. Here. (he hands Susan flowers) These are for ruining our first date. Susan (she covers Mike's ears): Shh. Not in front of Mike! Oh, look, Mike. Ian brought you flowers. I'll just go put them in some water. (Susan pulls Ian out of the room.) Ian: Look, I was just trying to protect Jane's parents. Susan: Oh please. Ian: They still haven't accepted the fact that Jane isn't going to wake up. If they knew that we were on a date, that I was trying to, to move on, well, it would devastate them. Susan: That's a really lovely excuse, but it isn't the whole story, is it? Ian: Excuse me? Susan: A part of you feels like you'r cheating on her. Ian: No! Well, perhaps a small part, but that doesn't mean that... Susan: It's all right. 'Cause I feel guilty too. That's why we should just stop this right now because it's all way too complicated and I think we'd both be happier if we just went back to being friends. Ian: Well, I don't think I can do that. The truth is I haven't thought of you as just a friend for some time now. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself feel that way but, but I have. And I can't go back, I'm sorry. Susan: Well, if we can't be friends than I guess we'll be nothing. (Susan walks back into Mike's room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Julie is typing at her computer. Loud music is blasting outside, obviously interrupting her train of thought.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Daytime] (Outside Edie's house. Julie approaches a motorcycle and stereo on the sidewalk. She turns the stereo down. Edie's shirtless nephew comes around the corner.) Austin: Hey. Leave that alone. Julie: Sorry, I was just turning it down. Austin: What, you're not a music fan? Julie: Sure, it's just, um, got anything where a pimp isn't beating his ho. Austin: I'm Austin, Edie Britt's nephew. Julie: Oh. I'm Julie, Susan Mayer's daughter. Austin: Ohhh. Julie: Anyway, I'm trying to do my homework so... Austin: On a Saturday? Well, make sure and take regular breaks and stop for a sensible dinner. Julie: Just keep it down. You had it really loud. Austin: That's how I like it. How do you like it? Julie: You know what? You're not that hot! (Julie turns and walks away and Austin smiles.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Lynette's House] (Tom comes downstairs.) Tom: Hey, whatcha doing? Lynette: Oh, I'm working on a seating chart for Bree's wedding. Tom: Nora? Who invited her? Lynette: I did. We need to find her another boyfriend and weddings are crawling with single men. Tom: I hope you're not seating her next to any of my friends. Lynette: Hey, sacrifices must be made, Tom! (Tom grabs the chart.) Tom: No, Jerry Rawlings, not Jerry Rawlings! She gets her psycho hooks into Jerry Rawlings, he will never speak to me again. Lynette: Oh, there are other urologists in the world. Go back to that other guy. Tom: The one with the cold hands? Lynette: Oh, it's once a year. Suck it up. Tom: Get a grip, Lynette. Lynette: Get a grip? I am hanging on for dear life, here. You are the one that brought this little problem into our family and the only thing I should be hearing from you is 'how can I help?' I am also putting Steve Hansen at her table so you might want to start shopping around for a new golf buddy. (Tom nods briefly and walks away.) Lynette: Get a grip. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan, in rollers, comes outside to get her mail. She sees Orson across the street at Bree's car where someone has attached cans and a "just married" sign. Orson is angrily ripping the cords connecting the cans to the car, cutting them off. He looks up and sees Susan staring at him. He smiles and waves with the knife in his hand. Susan, obviously worried, waves back and goes inside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bank] (Susan waits in line, than walks to the window where Carolyn Bixby is working.) Susan: Hi, my name's Susan Mayer. Your neighbor told me I could find you here. Carolyn: Yeah. Susan: Well, I was at my friend Bree's engagement party the other night. You know when you came in and you did that whole 'Orson killed his wife' thing. I was just wondering if you could elaborate. Carolyn: He killed her. What else do you need to know? Susan: Well, what makes you so sure? Do you have any proof? (Carolyn looks over and sees the bank manager approaching.) Carolyn: Look, I can't talk now. I get off at six. Susan: My friend is marrying that man in two hours. Please? (talking loudly) Okay, I need, um, ten dollars in unrolled pennies and I need to see you count it. 'Cause last time you stiffed me.' (The bank manager walks away. Carolyn pulls out rolls of pennies.) Carolyn: After Alma disappeared, the police came and searched the house. Susan: The police? What did they find? Carolyn: Nothing. Susan: And that's bad why? Carolyn: Don't you get it? When the police showed up, Orson had scrubbed every inch of the place clean with bleach. No fingerprints. No skin cells. No DNA. It was like Alma had never existed. Who cleans a house like
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that unless he has something to hide? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church] (The chapel is filled with guests. The organist is playing.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bride's Changing Room] (Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle are getting ready.) Susan: So when I left the bank I called the detective that worked the case and he said that the only reason Orson was never charged was because they never found a body. Lynette: So, he was an actual suspect? Susan: He was the only suspect. Gabrielle: Oh my god, what are we going to do? Susan: Well, you know what we have to do. (Bree, in her wedding gown, walks in.) Bree: That was close. The florist put three mums in my bridal bouquet. But not to worry, crisis averted. Susan: Bree, we have to talk. (Lynette goes to the door and locks it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church Side Room] (The reverend enters.) Orson: Ah, Reverend. Any word from the bridal party? Reverend: They're still in the Bride's Room. You know women. They are probably in there fussing about mascara and blush. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bride's Changing Room] Bree: He did not hack her up and dissolve the pieces in acid. Gabrielle: I said it was a theory. Lynette: The point is Alma disappeared under very suspicious circumstances. Bree: I don't have time for this. I'm getting married now. Susan: This is your day. You can push the ceremony back an hour. Now get that detective on the phone and talk things out with Orson. Bree: I can't talk to Orson. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding! Lynette: You know what's really bad luck? Marrying a wife killer. Bree: If the three of you don't drop this right now, I will never forgive you. Susan: Bree, we are just doing this because we love you. But, if you can honestly tell us that you don't have the slightest doubt... Bree: None whatsoever. (Gabrielle picks up her bouquet, Lynette follows, and Susan follows them out to the chapel.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding Chapel] (Orson is standing at the altar. The Wedding March theme plays on the organ as Bree walks down the aisle and the guests stand up. The reverend signals everyone to sit as Bree joins Orson at the altar.) Reverend: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in this site of God to join this man and woman in HolyBree: Excuse me, could you give us just a second? Reverend: Is something wrong?
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Bree: I just need a moment. (Bree pulls Orson off to the side.) Bree: Before we do this, there's something I need to ask you. Orson: What? Bree: Did you kill your wife? Susan talked to that Carolyn woman. Why didn't you tell me that the police searched your house? Orson: 'Cause it's embarrassing. And they didn't find anything. Bree: Is that because you scrubbed the house so thoroughly? Orson: When I'm upset, I clean. For God's sake, Bree, I swear to you, I did not kill my wife. Bree: Okay. (They walk back up to the altar. Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle glance at each other.) Bree (to the Reverend): Proceed. Reverend: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in this site of God to join this man and woman in Holy Matrimony, which is an honorable estate... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree and Orson's Wedding Party] (An elaborate tent is set up in Gabrielle's yard. Bree and Orson kiss at the head table. Everyone applauds. Lynette looks over at the table where Nora is surrounded by men. Nora gets up and walks over to Lynette.) Lynette: Hey, look at you. Miss Popular. So, you having a good time over there? Nora: As if! And I don't know what idiot stuck me at that table, but every guy over there is just a boring stiff! Lynette: All of them? What about Jerry? Jerry's fun. Nora: You mean Mr. Fatty Hairplugs? Oh, yeah, he's a blast. (Nora holds her fingers like a gun and shoots her head while making a noise like a gun shooting.) Lynette: Um. How about Steve? You know what? I hear his family has money. Nora: Well, then maybe they could all chip in and buy him some deodorant. I'm through with those losers. I'm gonna stay right here with you. Are you gonna eat that? (Carlos walks in and runs into Gabrielle.) Gabrielle: Hey, look at you. Carlos: God, I hate wearing a tux. On my way in, Bree's Aunt Fern asked me to park her car. Gabrielle: She's got glaucoma. To her, you're nothing but a Hispanic blur. Let me fix your tie. Carlos: Hey, you're wearing mama's pearls. Gabrielle: Yeah. (Edie and Austin walk in.) Edie: Oh. Hey, Julie. Have you met my nephew, Austin? Julie: Yeah, we met. I just didn't recognize him with his shirt on. (Julie walks away.) Austin: She couldn't take her eyes off my ass. I felt violated. (Austin walks away in the opposite direction. Susan walks up to Edie.) Susan: Hi, Edie. Nice party, huh? Edie: It was. (Susan walks over to Gabrielle, who is finishing up fixing Carlos' tie.) Gabrielle: Perfect. Susan: Well, it's nice to see you two getting along again. Carlos: We've sort of turned a corner. Susan: Really? Does that mean you're gonna be getting back together? Gabrielle (at the same time as Carlos): God, no!
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Carlos (at the same time as Gabrielle): Maybe. Susan: Wow, is that shrimp? (Susan walks away.) Gabrielle: What would make you think I would have even consider taking you back? Carlos: Well, you invited me to be your date. Gabrielle: Guest, Carlos. I said guest. Carlos: Come on, you've been flirting with me since I came in. 'Here, baby, let me fix your tie.' Well, for a woman who is not interested, you sure are sending some mixed signals. Gabrielle: You want a clear signal? How's this? (Gabrielle pulls Carlos' tie apart and walks away.) (Susan is at the buffet table.) Susan: Ian! Ian: Susan? Susan: What are you doing here? Ian: Well, my cousin is Dr. Hodge's dental hygienist and her husband, he couldn't join us since he's come down with a spot of impetigo, so she called me. Knowing how much I love a Garden Toss and so... Susan: Ian? Ian: Yes, I'm such a terrible liar. Impetigo? Where did that come from? Susan: Hmm? So what are you really doing here? Ian: Look, I can't stop thinking about us. About how great we could be together and I think you're making a mistake. Susan: Ian. Ian: Susan, please don't go. Can't we at least talk about this? Susan: I can't 'cause I have bridesmaid stuff. (Susan walks away. Gabrielle walks over to a young waiter.) Gabrielle: Hi there. I just wanted to say you're doing a great job, Tad. That's such a masculine name. Tad: My boyfriend seems to like it. Gabrielle: Okay, here's the drill. My ex is here and I want to piss him off so just act like you're all hot for me and there's a hundred buck tip in it for you. Tad: Right, uh, so should I cup your boob? Gabrielle: No, I'll drive. (Gabrielle laughs loudly and keeps putting her hand on Tad's chest. Carlos sees her and walks over to the bar.) Carlos: Tequila, straight. Hey, are there any decent single women as this wedding? Bartender: Not that I've seen. Carlos: Ah, damn it, not a one. (Lynette overhears Carlos and walks up to him.) Lynette: Hey, Carlos. You should come over to our table. That's where all the hotties are. (Tom is on the stage with a microphone.) Tom: Hey everyone, I say it is time that we get Bree and Orson up here for their first dance as a married couple. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Orson Hodge. (Everyone applauds and Orson and Bree get up to dance.) Bree: Orson, you look so serious. Orson: Trying to remember my steps. Bree: You're upset, aren't you? You're still thinking about what I said at the church. Orson: Which part, darling? The 'I do' part or the 'did you kill your wife' part?
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Bree: I'm sorry, but I had to ask. Orson: That's my point. You had to ask. (Later, Tom and Lynette look on as Carlos and Nora dance. Carlos has picked Nora up and is spinning her around.) Nora: Whoo Hoo! Tom (to Lynette): You are going to rot in hell for this. Lynette: Hey, I just brought two lost souls together. Okay, how about this? He cheated on my friend. He deserves every bit of crazy she's gonna rain down on him. Tom: Hell, rot, you. (Later, Carlos and Nora are still dancing as well as kissing.) Lynette: What are they doing? Tom: Rounding second and heading for third. Lynette: Uh oh. (Gabrielle storms up to Carlos and Nora.) Gabrielle: Carlos! Carlos: Oh, hey, Gaby. Look, I made a new friend. Gabrielle: Yes, I've been watching you make your new friend and it's disgusting! (She pulls them apart.) Nora: Do you mind? We're trying to dance here. Gabrielle: Who the hell are you anyway? And why the hell are you at this wedding? (The music stops. Tom and Lynette watch as Carlos, Gabrielle, and Nora argue.) Tom (to Lynette): This is not going to end well. Lynette: They are just two random people who met at a wedding. Can't pin it on me. Nora (pointing at Lynette): It was her! Gabrielle: Lynette Scavo, I want to talk to you! (Lynette starts walking away.) Lynette (to Tom): I'll see you at home. (Gabrielle turns toward Carlos.) Gabrielle: What were you thinking? I didn't invite you here to embarrass me in front of my friends. Carlos: Oh, no, you just wanted me to watch while you sucked the zits off some teenage waiter. Gabrielle: That's it! I take my invitation back! You are no longer welcome in my house! Carlos: Fine! I'll go. Just give me back the pearls. Gabrielle: No! Carlos: Gaby! Gabrielle: Carlos! No! Carlos: They were my mama's! Gabrielle: No! (The necklace breaks and the pearls spill all over the dance floor. Gabrielle hits Carlos on his chest.) Gabrielle: Now look what you've done! (They both stoop down to pick them up.) (Xiao-Mei, in her nightgown, comes in. Carlos and Gabrielle are on the dance floor fighting for the pearls.) Xiao-Mei: Mrs. Solis! Gabrielle: No, Carlos! Carlos: Give me that! Gabrielle: Give me those! Get away, those are mine. Carlos: No! The hell they are.
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(Xiao-Mei is at the edge of the dance floor.) Xiao-Mei: Mrs. Solis! Gabrielle: Not now, Xiao-Mei! Xiao-Mei: Mrs. Solis! Gabrielle: Oh for God's sake, what? (Xiao-Mei's water breaks onto the dance floor.) Xiao-Mei: I think maybe it's time. (Later, Tom is holding the microphone by Aunt Fern who is making a toast.) Aunt Fern: And I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. Tom: Wow, that was beautiful, Aunt Fern. Thank you. Hey, they mopped up all the amniotic fluid so we should feel safe to start the Conga line! Ian (standing up): Actually, I'd like to say a few words. Bree, Orson, your love is an inspiration to us all. Bree (whispering to Orson): That's very sweet. Orson: Mm. Bree: How do you know him? Orson: I thought he was on your side. Bree: Mm-mm. Ian: Well I know this is the second marriage for both of you and I think you are jolly brave. So often people find excuses not to fall in love again. They're afraid. (he looks at Susan) But it's rare to find somebody that you connect with. So when you do, you have to follow your heart. Bree, Orson, I salute you. Tom: All right. Let's get the music cranking and the... Susan (standing up): Actually Tom could you just hang on a second. Uh, I also would like to say a few words. To Bree and Orson, ah yes, what could be better than a second love, and this time you enter it a little older, a little wiser, but also, and this is key, uh, with a bit of caution. Because, while love can be spontaneous and wonderful, it can also be selfish and sometimes the best thing you can do is just to walk away. Uh, not you two. You two crazy kids are great. Congrats, yeah. Tom: Well, then. Let's... Ian: Hang on, I'd like to respond to that toast. Bree, Orson, sometimes walking away can seem the best choice. It's certainly the safest, but what do you do when you find someone that makes you feel joy when you thought you never would again? Do you just let them go? No, no, I can't do that. (Ian sits down. The guests turn to look at Susan.) Tom (to Susan): You wanna... Susan: No, I'm good. Tom: All right then. Let's dance! (The music begins to play and everyone gets up. Ian smiles at Susan, who smiles back.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital Waiting Room] (Gabrielle is reading a magazine when Lynette walks in with a carry-on bag.) Lynette: Well, I thought you might need a change of clothes. Yeah, you're still mad at me, huh? Gabrielle: What were you thinking setting Carlos up with that skank?! Lynette: I'm sorry, I was desperate. I had a little too much to drink and you are divorcing Carlos. Gabrielle: Lynette! Carlos will never be fair game! You know the rules! Lynette: You're right. You are right. You're right. I'm so sorry. It's just... Gabrielle: What? Lynette: I'm so unhappy. Ever since that woman pushed her way into our lives I can't even work up a smile. And the more she pushes the more I resent Tom. Tom. For something he did twelve years ago. And I'm afraid
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if I can't fix this, that the anger is just going to fester until.. Gabrielle: Lynette, listen to me. You and Tom will survive this. Lynette: No, seriously, Gaby, I am so tired of pretending to smile. Gabrielle: You and Tom will survive this. Lynette: Yeah? How can you be so sure? Gabrielle: Because some marriages were built to last. And some aren't. Trust me, I know the difference. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding Party] (Orson is feeding Bree a piece of cake. Everyone applauds. They kiss.) Detective: I'm looking for Bree Van de Kamp. (The waiter points to Bree.) Bree: Could you excuse me for a just a minute. (Bree walks over to the detective.) Detective: Excuse me, are you Mrs. Van de Kamp? Bree: It's Hodge now. Detective: Yes, I'm terribly sorry to barge in like this, but we need your husband to come down to the morgue. We may have found his wife's body. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital Maternity Ward] (Xiao-Mei is in labor. Carlos and Gabrielle are standing on either side of the bed. Xiao-Mei is breathing very hard and struggling between Carlos and Gabrielle.) Carlos: Push, Xiao-Mei, push. Doctor: Okay, deep breaths now. We're getting close. Gabrielle: It's time! I can't believe this is happening! Carlos: Honey, I want to cry. Gabrielle: Carlos, I am so sorry about the... Carlos: I, me too, me too. I was way out of line. Gabrielle: I forgive you. It's worth it when you experience a moment as beautiful as this. Xiao-Mei: Ahhhh! Doctor: Okay, I see the head now. Gabrielle (to Carlos): Ah, get the camera, get the camera! (Carlos grabs a video camera.) Xiao-Mei: Ahhhh! (A baby cries. Gabrielle and Xiao-Mei look at the baby and freeze. The doctor holds up an African American baby. Carlos continues to film.) Carlos: Man, I got to get the color fixed on this thing. (Gabrielle pushes the camera down. Carlos looks at the baby in shock.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital] (Carlos and Gabrielle are talking to the Fertility Doctor.) Gabrielle: How could this have happened? What kind of half-ass fertility clinic are you running? Doctor: Prior to implantation, your embryo was accidentally switched with another client's. Carlos: So, if we got theirs and they got ours, then it's possible... Doctor: No, I'm afraid your embryo didn't take. Again, on behalf of the clinic, I am so sorry. It's rare but these things do happen. Gabrielle: Excuse me, you screw up our lives and the best you can do is, 'that's the way the cookie
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crumbles?' And who is this guy? Why is he writing down everything I say? Doctor: This is Mr. Darby, our attorney. We thought it wise to have him present. Gabrielle: You know what else would have been wise? Sticking the right baby in the right belly! Doctor: Mrs. Solis, please. (Gabrielle storms out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Morgue] (Bree and Orson follow the detective into a room where the body is lying. The coroner is standing by the covered body. He lifts the sheet. Orson shakes his head.) Orson: That's not Alma. Detective: Are you sure? Orson: Absolutely! Thank God. (Carolyn Bixby walks in from another entrance.) Orson: Carolyn. What is she doing here? Carolyn: You didn't honestly think they'd take your word for it, did you? (The coroner lifts the sheet again.) Carolyn: It's not her. Detective: Well, that's it, then. Sorry for wasting your time. Carolyn: This mean nothing. I'm telling you that man is as guilty as sin. Bree: We know what you think. Now would you please leave us alone? Carolyn: He's a cold-blooded killer. Bree: He's kind and decent and nothing you could say will ever make me doubt him again. Now please go. (Carolyn stops before she walks out the door.) Carolyn: You deserve him. Bree: I hope to. (The detective follows Carolyn out.) Orson: Darling, I am so sorry you had to endure that. Are you all right? Bree: I'm fine. Let's just go back to our guests and forget any of this ever happened. Orson: Right. (Bree walks out. Orson turns toward the covered body.) Orson: Tu me manques, Monique. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Carlos and Gabrielle drive up to their home. The waiters are cleaning up the yard and taking everything to the trucks.) Gabrielle: Well. Carlos: Yeah. Gabrielle: I feel so... Carlos: Me too. Well, you know what the good news is? Gabrielle: What's that? Carlos: Now that there's no baby, it will make the divorce a lot simpler. Gabrielle: Yeah, that's something. Carlos: So, see you at the mediator's. Gabrielle: See you then. (Gabrielle gets out of the car and as Carlos drives away, they stare at each other.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Have you met the perfect couple? The two soul mates whose love never dies?
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom is fast asleep on the bed. Lynette stands over him watching him sleep.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The two lovers whose relationship is never threatened. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room] (Bree and Orson enter.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The husband and wife who trust each other completely. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding Party] (Ian and Susan are slow dancing under the empty tent from the wedding.) Mary Alice Voiceover:If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you. (Focus in on the bride and groom at the top of the wedding cake.) Mary Alice Voiceover:They stand atop a layer of butter cream frosting. The secret of their success? Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X03: A Weekend in the Country -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate housewives... Doctor: Prior to implantation, your embryo was accidentally switched with another client's. Mary Alice Voiceover:Carlos and Gaby didn't get what they expected. Austin:I'm Austin, Edie Britt's nephew. Julie:You're not that hot. Mary Alice Voiceover:Julie met her new neighbor. Ian:God, I love seeing you laugh. Susan:Oh, well, it's been a long time since I've been in the mood to. Thank you. Mary Alice Voiceover: Persistence paid off for Susan's new friend. Andrew:You're gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere? Mary Alice Voiceover:And Bree began to regret what she had done. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Airport] (Bree and Orson are waiting for their Honeymoon flight to Bermuda.Orson is reading a brochure on Bermuda.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson Hodge dreamed of the perfect honeymoon.Indeed hed begun planning it the moment Bree Van de Kamp agreed to marry him. [Orsons Fantasy] (Bree and Orson are flying first class clinking their glasses of Champagne.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Theyd start by flying first class... [Orsons Fantasy] (Bree and Orson are entering their fancy hotel room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...to an exclusive five star hotel...
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[Orsons Fantasy] (Bree and Orson are relaxing by an olympic size pool.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...where theyd spend their days relaxing by the pool. [Orsons Fantasy] (Bree and Orson are making love on a circular bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And their nights making love. [Orsons Fantasy] (Orson is carrying Bree into their home, puts her down and tbey kiss.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And when they returned home, their perfect honeymoon would continue forever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present - Fairview Airport] (Orson stares lovingly at Bree.) Orson: Mrs. Hodge. Bree: Yes, Mr. Hodge. Orson: Do you have any idea how happy were going to be? Bree:I dont need to be any happier than I am at this very second. (they kiss) Oh, my goodness, theres only fifteen minutes before our plane.If you want that Latte you should go now. Orson: (getting up) Oh thats a good idea. (Orson leaves.Bree looks up at the TV mounted on the wall.) Female Reporter:The population of teenagers continues to climb.This is Andrew.Andrew? (Bree sees Andrew being interviewed as a homeless person on TV. She gets up and approaches the TV.) Reporter:What is it like to live on the streets? Andrew:Its not so bad.I mean, you know, sometimes people give you food, you can find a lot in the dumpsters.Ah, I mean, just last night I found almost a whole bucket of chicken that had hardly been touched. (Bree is shocked and breathless as she sees Andrew laying in a cardboard box.) Reporter:Andrew told me his heart-wrenching story. An alcoholic mother; A father murdered by the mothers boyfriend. And a childhood shattered the day his mother left him on the side of the road. Bree: Oh my god. Lady sitting closeby:Ill tell you one thing.Some people should never be allowed to have children. Oh! (As Orson approaches Bree is gathering her stuff together.) Orson: Darling, I got an extra one just in case.... (seeing Bree grabbing her stuff) Bree, whats the matter? Bree: A reporter just did a story on homeless teens and my son was one of them. Orson: Oh, my god! Well, well call child welfare the minute that we get to the resort. Bree:Orson, you cant imagine that we are still going! Orson: Darling, the tickets are non-refundable. Bree:My son is eating out of dumpsters! Orson:Well, yes!But think how much better youll be able to deal with this crisis after a nice relaxing... Bree: Orson! My child is in trouble.Dont make me choose between the two of you because believe me you will lose! Now please, get your ass in gear! (Bree walks away.A frustrated Orson drops the coffees and the Bermuda brochure into the trashcan.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was at this moment that Orson realized that the honeymoon was over. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(A suitcase is being packed on a bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was a holiday weekend on Wisteria Lane.
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(Another suitcase is being packed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And everyone was packing their bags. (Another suitcase is being packed.A beautiful nightgown is being placed in it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Hoping to get away from it all. [Lynettes Porch] (Lynette comes out carrying a suitcase with Tom following her.) Lynette:No, no, youll be fine. Tom:This is so unfair. Lynette:No, no.Whats unfair is that were slowly running out of money and youve barely even looked for a job. Youre going to have a good time, all right? I love you. Bye. (Lynette walks away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette was getting away from growing tension in her marriage. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles Driveway] (Gabrielle is talking on her cell phone while putting her suitcase into the trunk.) Gabrielle:You can call it blackmail, Carlos, but the court calls it "Spousal Support".So unless I get a check by Monday, your shower buddies from jail will be throwing you a Welcome Back party. (Gabrielle hangs up as Lynette approaches.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle was getting away from an increasingly bitter divorce. Lynette: Hi.Im ready. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans Living Room] (Susan is finishing her packing and talking on the phone.Julie is working on a scale model of a town.) Susan:So thats my number and if theres any change in Mikes condition, Im going to the mountains with a friend. And, ah, just in case you were wondering, its strictly platonic. Julie:He wasnt wondering. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan was getting away from mounting guilt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Kitchen] (Bree is on the phone.) Bree:So you cant tell me anything about my sons whereabouts? Mary Alice Voiceover:And then there was Bree who had just learned there are some problems.... Bree:Fine! (Bree hangs up and walks into the living room where Orson and Danielle are.) Mary Alice Voiceover:.. you cant run away from. Bree:Some reporter.All she could tell me is what neighborhood they found him in.They dont have any contact information, no phone number, no address. Orson:Well, Dear, if he had an address, he wouldnt be homeless. Danielle:This really blows!Im this close to becoming Homecoming Queen and now Im going to be that creepy girl whos brother is a pathetic street junkie. Bree:You know you could show a little compassion.Your brother is out there on the streets struggling to survive! Danielle:And whos fault if that? (Danielle leaves the room.) Bree: (sighs) Ah, shes right.This is all my fault.
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Orson:You cant blame yourself.No parent can stop a child who is determined to run away. Bree:He didnt run away.I kicked him out. Orson:You what? Bree:I left him on the roadside with some money and his clothes.I didnt tell you because I was afraid of what you would think of me. Orson:You did what you had to do.I just wish youd said something sooner. (hugging Bree) You know theres nothing you cant tell me.I dont want there to be any secrets between us. Bree:There wont be, not anymore. (Bree and Orson walk toward the front door.Danielle is sitting there reading.) Danielle:You know Andrew is not the only one having a rough year. Im the one whose boyfriend got shot right in front of her. Bree: (to a surprised Orson) Well talk in the car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sinclair Hotel and Spa] (Gabrielle and Lynette are on tables outside under silk tents being massaged.) Gabrielle: Dont you love this?Oh, God bless Tom for taking the kids camping. Lynette:Ummm. Gabrielle:This is exactly what we needed.Especially after everything Ive been through lately.I am all about relaxing and rejuvenating... Lynette:Gaby! Gabrielle:Yeah? Lynette:Could you be all about shutting up! Gabrielle:Oh, Im sorry. Lynette:Thanks. (Gabrielles: Please dont tell me you brought your cell phone. Gabrielle:Im sorry.Its just that Im waiting for Carlos lawyer to call.Spousal support has gotten ugly.(answering) Hello.Oh hi, Tom! Lynette:No, no, no, no! Gabrielle:Yeah! Lynette:NO! Gabrielle:Shes right here. (handing the phone to Lynette)Did you say something? Lynette: (takes the phone) Hey. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Camp Site] (Tom is lying flat on his back and the kids are running around the tent.) Tom:Honey, I know its your weekend away but my damn back.I threw it out again. Lynette:So? Tom:So I can barely sit up and the kids are running wild.Would you come up here? Lynette:Oh, well why dont you take a muscle relaxant. Tom:Honey, Ive already taken two.They are not making a dent. Lynette:Well, why dont you give them to the kids? Tom: Lynette! Lynette: Please, Tom, please!Dont do this to me! Tom: (yelling)Parker!For the last time put down the damn axe! Lynette: Allllll right. Yeah.I will be there as soon as I can.(hanging up)God, I hate my life. Gabrielle:I know.I wouldnt trade with you for anything.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians Cabin in the Country] (Ian is unpacking groceries.) Susan:Ah, wow, look at the view!Oh.Dont you just love when the leaves change color. Ian:Well thats why I suggest this.So we could hang out for the weekend and enjoy the.. um...(looking at Susans butt) .. scenery. Susan:Yep, scenerys great.So, um, maybe I should unpack.Where should I do that? Ian:Well, there are two bedrooms.One is mine and theres a guest room. Susan:Oh.A guest room.Well, thats handy. Ian:Yeah.Unless of course, youd like to sleep in my room.In which case I will take the guest room. Susan:Oh, ah, no, no.I should take the guest room because I am the guest. Ian:Yeah, its up the stairs and at the end of the hall. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians Cabin Guest Room] (Susan opens her suitcase.She pulls out many, many condoms.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians Room] (Ian opens his suitcase.He pulls out Susans silky nightgown and quickly puts it back.) Ian: Ah. (yelling)Susan, I, ah, I think I have your suitcase. (Susan comes in carrying the case.) Susan:Yeah.And I think I have yours. Ian:So, um, did you happen to see the um,...Susan:Yeah.And did you notice the... Ian:Hard to miss. (They each push the suitcase across the bed trading them.) Ian:Well, Im just gonna... Susan:Hide pathetically in your room? Ian:Ah huh. Susan:Me too. (Susan runs out with her suitcase.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes House] (Lynette pulls up in a cab.Nora, with her suitcase is sitting on the porch.) Nora:Hey Lynette. Lynette:What are you doing here? Nora:Kayla called and she told me about Toms back and my car got impounded again so I thought that Id hitch a ride with you. Lynette:Hitch?You mean, like, were going to be driving in the car together? Nora:Well, you could strap me to the front bumper, but , yeah, Id be more comfortable inside. (Lynette opens her trunk) Lynette: Ah, its like an eight hour drive. Nora:So? (Lynette puts her bags in the trunk and tries to close it quickly.) Lynette:Ah, how far is the impound lot because, you know, I would just drive you over there... (As Lynette closes the trunk, Nora puts her bag inside.) Nora: Whats your problem, Lynette? Lynette:Ah, I dont have a problem.I just dont think we both need to go up there.I can grab Kayla and bring
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her back. Nora:Oh I see your plan.You just wanna go charging up there on your white horse and save everyone.And then I get to be the rotten mother who didnt give a rats ass and stayed home eating bon-bons.(pushing her suitcase in the trunk) No! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sinclair Hotel and Spa] (Gabrielle is sitting at a table in the Hotel dining room by herself.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Due to Lynette's sudden departure... Gabrielle:Thank you. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle was forced to spend the last night of her spa vacation alone, but she didn't mind. In fact, she looked forward to a quiet dinner alone with her thoughts. (Gabrielle looks around the dining room and sees nothing but affectionate couples.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her thoughts quickly turned to her impending divorce, and the empty house she'd soon return to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Gardens] (Gabrielle is walking by herself.A couple walks by arm in arm.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And she began to resent the happy couples she was seeing... everywhere. Gabrielle:What is this, freakin' Noah's ark?! John:Wow, I guess it really is a small world. Gabrielle:Who's there? I can't see you. (John Rowland steps out from the bushes.) John:Can you see me now? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Skid Row Area] (Bree is walking the streets looking for Andrew. Hookers are talking to their clients.) Hooker:How much, baby? Bree:Excuse me, ma'am? I mean... Miss. I'm looking for someone. Uh, his name is Andrew.(showing her a picture) Have you seen him? Hooker:Hard to say, boo. I see a lot of lost boys his age. Good-looking one, though. Someone special? Bree:Yes, very, and I'm worried sick about him. Hooker:You might try the soup kitchen at St. Malachi's on Third. Bree:Oh, thank you, Miss... Hooker:Gates. Pearly Gates... 'Cause you can't get to heaven without going through me. Bree:How very saucy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians Cabin] (Susan is playing the piano.) Susan:Great piano. Do you play? Ian:Oh, no, I'm a, I'm a bit rusty. Jane loved to sing, so I'd play for her, but since the accident... Susan:Right. (Susan follows Ian to the couch in front of the fireplace.) Susan:So... Brandy, a roaring fire, what could be more romantic? Ian:Well, I can think of something. Susan:Wow, my heart is pounding. Ian:Uh, is that a bad thing? Consider the alternative.
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Susan:Your heart is beating even faster than mine. Ian:I guess I'm excited. It has been a while. Susan:Me, too.(Ian kisses her) So was that, uh, okay? Ian:It was bloody fantastic.Of course, it's a bit different than what I'm used to. Susan: Different? Ian:Well, I was with the same woman for a long time. Susan:Oh, yeah. But, I mean, you kissed other girls before that, right? Ian:Sure, but most of them were twelve, as was I. I met Jane at a school dance, and after we started dating, well, I never looked at anyone else. Susan:Are you saying that Jane is the only woman you ever... Ian:Oh, God, I so didn't want to tell you that. Susan:Why not? I think that's adorable. Ian:Well, I don't want to be adorable. I want to be dashing and worldly and... Susan:Oh, Ian. It's okay. Some people have a lot of lovers, and some just a few. It doesn't matter. Ian:Well, seeing, seeing as it doesn't matter, where do you fall on that spectrum? Susan:Huh? Ian:You know, how many men have you been with? Susan:Ian. Ian:Oh, I'm sorry. That was rude. I withdraw the question. Susan:It's not that it's rude. It's just immaterial. I mean, it's just a number. It doesn't mean anything. Ian:Seeing as it doesn't mean anything... Susan:Ian! Ian:Well, you know my number. It's only fair. Is it... Is it more than three? Susan:Nine. Ian: Please tell me you were answering in German. Susan:Nine lovers is not a lot! Nine lovers does not make me a slut! Ian:Why are you getting upset? Susan:Because it was really eleven, and I knocked off two, and you're still judging me. Ian:I'm not judging you. It's just... did you work in the recording industry? Susan:Okay, just so you know eleven is not a lot for a woman my age. Ian:How old are you? Susan:What is this, the Gallup Poll?! (Susan starts going upstairs.) Ian:Where are you going? Susan:To bed, alone. You know, it's something that I've always wanted to try, but I've just never gotten around to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sinclair Hotel Gardens] (Gabrielle and John are walking around.) John:So they liked the landscaping I did here so much that they hired my company to do whole Sinclair Hotel chain. Gabrielle:Your company? You have a company now?Oh, my Gosh, when I met you, all you had was a bike. John:Well, not only that, the, uh, Gardening Channel's approached me about hosting my own show. I mean, we're still in the talking stages, but... What? Gabrielle:Nothing. I just... I can't get over how mature and confident you are. You've really changed. John:Thanks. I was hoping you'd notice.
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Gabrielle:So I guess, uh, there's no chance of getting you over to the house to pick the dead leaves off my Ficus. John:Yeah, you know, I'm kind of past that. Besides, I don't think Mr. Solis would approve. Gabrielle:Actually, we're getting a divorce. John:Wow, um, I'm. Im really sorry to hear that. Gabrielle:Really? Then why are you smiling? John:I don't know. Why are you? Gabrielle... It's really great to see you. Gabrielle:Gabrielle. I think that's the first time you've ever called me that. John:Well, um... I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay. Gabrielle:I intend to. (Gabrielle grabs John and begins kissing him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Car] (Lynette is driving with Nora in the passenger seat.Nora is eating Sunflower Seeds spitting the seeds into an ashtray cup.) Nora:Your cuppy thing is full. Do you mind if I put this in your glove compartment? Lynette:Yeah, I do mind. I mind deeply. Nora:Jeez-a-marooni.I'll just get rid of 'em. (Nora throws the seeds out the window and they come flying back all over the interior of the car.) Lynette:Oh, that's... delightful. That's delightful. Maybe it'll just soak up the cream soda you spilled. Nora:Why do you always pick on me? It's like your new favorite game is "finding fault with Nora. Lynette:No, my favorite game is counting all the things I'm dying to say to you but I don't. Like...Pipe down, you annoying nut job. I'd never say that. Nora:You think I'm crazy. Lynette:No! You're colorful.Colorful in a way that might respond to medication. Nora:Well, you know.There's levels of crazy, Lynette.I mean, there are people like me who just have a big personality. Then there are the kind of people who do things like this! (Nora grabs the steering wheel and steers them into oncoming trafffic.Lynette pulls the car back into her lane.) Lynette:Ah! Oh, my God! Knock it off! What is the matter with you?! What is wrong with you? What the hell do you think you're doing? Nora:Oh, lighten up. Come on, it was a joke. Lynette:No, well, it wasn't funny. If you wanna kill yourself, fine, but don't take me with you. Nora:Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't ya? You'd really like that, if I killed myself. Lynette:That is not what I'm saying. But if you did, I'd find a way to carry on. Nora: Pull over. Lynette:Oh, lighten up. It's a joke. Nora: Pull the car over. Lynette:Nah. Nora: Pull it over! Pull over, or I will jump out of this car. (Nora starts opening the door.Lynette begins to pull over.) Lynette:All right, all right, all right, all right. I'm pulling over! Jeez! What the hell are you doing?! Nora: (getting out of the car) Hitching my way to the campsite! Lynette:Nora! You can't be serious! Nora:Shut up! Just get out of my face! I'm not talking to you! (Nora walks into the middle of the street.She starts flagging a truck down.)
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Lynette:All right, now look, you've gone from crazy to stupid. This guy could be dangerous. Nora:Well, then, it's your lucky day, huh, Lynette? (The truck driver honks.) Nora:Shut up! Lynette:See?This is what you do. You just manipulate. You wormed your way into my family. You conned your way into coming on this trip with me, and now you wanna force me into saving you. Well, forget it! You wanna go, go. (Nora runs and gets into the truck.The truck honks as it drives away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans Kitchen] (Julie is working on her project.Its a replica of a town.Julie is talking on the phone.) Julie:No, I've tried that. It wasn't enough power.Yeah, I'm way ahead of you. All right, here it goes. (She takes a hair dryer and points it toward a fan, which turns and her project town ligths up.) Julie:Ah, it worked! I'm a genius. (The house goes dark.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edies House] (Julie rings the doorbell.Austin, without a shirt and in boxer shorts, answers the door.) Julie:Oh, hi. Um, I'm looking for Edie. Austin:She's out. Julie:Ugh, God, where is everyone tonight? Austin:Anything I can do? Julie:No, not unless you can fix a fuse box. My science fair project blew the power out. Austin:Oh, what's your project? Julie:Oh, uh, it's complicated. Austin:You think I'm too dumb to understand your little science project? Julie:It's not little.I finished third in the State twice. Now can you fix the fuse box or not? Austin: Most houses built after 1990 are wired through a circuit breaker. You didn't blow a fuse. You tripped a breaker. Not to challenge a two-time State science fair almost-champion or anything. Let me grab a flashlight. Julie:Maybe you could also grab a shirt... and some pants.Pants would be nice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians Cabin] (Ian is knocking at Susans door.) Ian:Susan, can I come in? Susan:I'm with a client. Take a number. Ian: (entering) Susan, please. Everything I said came out of my, my own insecurity and fear that, that I might, well, I might disappoint you. Susan:I was gonna stay mad at you another hour, but your damn accent gets me every time. Ian:Blimey, you, you don't say? Susan: Don't push it. (Ian sits on the bed and kisses Susan.) Susan:Oh, no, I don't mean to break the flow, but I just, um...Look, I know that I'm only your second lover ever, and that, I, I know that means a lot, and I just don't want it to mean...too much. Ian:I'm not following you.What do you want it to mean? Susan:I mean, the last time you did this, it turned into a lifetime commitment, and I'm just, I'm not ready for
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that. Ian:You think I am? Well, I assure you, I'm as capable of having meaningless sex as you are. Susan:I have never had meaningless sex. Ian:So you were...You were passionately in love, and deeply committed to all of your conquests? Susan: Don't judge me, Mr. Virgin...plus one! Ian:Okay, okay, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot again. Susan...Cheerio? Bob's your uncle? Susan:Get out! Ian:Can't we at least talk? Susan:Why? You know, every time we do, we just get angry. Ian:Well, we're still getting to know each other,and that's good. You've learned I'm a tad insecure, And I've learn... Well, you're just a wee bit touchy. Susan:Okay, Ian, you know what? This is not happening.I am just going to sleep, and you can just drive me home in the morning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[St Malachis Soup Kitchen] (Bree is showing Andrews picture to the people in line.) Bree:Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for my son. Have you seen him? Have you seen him? (Andrew is at the end of the soup line.He pulls his hood further over his head and tries to walk out.) Bree:Excuse me, young man. Have you seen this boy?Andrew! Oh, my God, thank God! Andrew:What are you doing here? Bree: Looking for you. How did you get that bruise? Andrew:It's none of your business. Bree:Andrew, please! Andrew:Shouldn't you be at home, taking care of your new husband? Bree:How did you find out that? Andrew:I read it in the paper.You know, the one I sleep under. Bree:Andrew, you have every right to be angry with me, but if you knew how sorry I am... Andrew:If you came here sucking after forgiveness, you came to the wrong place. Bree:Andrew, please, can't we just talk about this? I'm your mother, for God sakes! You're my son. Andrew:No, you dumped your son at a gas station seven months ago. I'm somebody else now. (Andrew runs away.Bree tries to chase him.) Bree:Andrew. Andrew! Andrew, please! Andrew! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Highway to the Camp Site] (Lynette is driving along happily, eating and singing along with the radio.She sees Nora up ahead on the side of road sitting on a rock.Lynette pulls up to her.) Lynette:What happened to your ride? Nora:The guy grabbed my boob, so I hit him over the head with his bong, and I got out. (Nora is in Lynettes car.) Nora: Look, I'm sorry I freaked out there before. It's just, when you made that crack about suicide, it just... kind of hit home. Lynette:Oh, my God, Nora. Did you actually...(Nora nods) Well, I'm... I'm very sorry. I had no idea. But your life is better now, right? You have a beautiful daughter, and you have that fun job at the...pancake house. Nora:Oh, yeah, my life's better. Lynette:Yeah. Nora:But it's not your life. Your life's perfect.
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Lynette:Excuse me? Did you smoke that bong before you beat the guy with it? Nora:It's just, you have it all.You have the kids. You have the career. You have a husband. You're supermom. Lynette:And you think that's easy? Okay, I have a good life. Yes, yes, I am very lucky, but I work twelve hours a day, and then I come home to what seems like thirty three children, and husband who refuses to get a job. And believe me, there is not a supermom out there who wouldn't trade in her cape, for a chance to read a book and get a massage by a man who has the decency to leave when it's over. Nora:Okay, sorry I brought it up. Lynette:I'm sorry I said that about Tom. He's doing his best to find a job. Nora:Well, you know, maybe he'd try a little harder if he didn't hate advertising so much. Lynette:He doesn't hate advertising. Nora: Last week, when he came to pick up Kayla, and he'd just come from some crappy interview, he said that he'd hated the ad game for, like, freakin' ever, and would like to bag the whole thing. Lynette:He said that to you? He's never told me that. Nora:He's probably afraid to. Lynette:Why would he be afraid? Nora: Probably because you're the kind of woman who,when someone says they wanna kill themselves, you say, go ahead.'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans House] (Austin is in the closet working with the breaker switches.) Austin:You sure you don't want to come in? Julie:No, I'm good. Austin:Uh, you really should see what I'm doing, you know, for next time. (Julie goes into the closet.) Austin:Okay, here's the tripped switch. So first, you move it to off, to reset, then you press it... to on'. Julie:That's it? Austin:Yeah. Julie:You didn't have to come all the way over here to do that. You could've just explained it to me. Austin:Yeah, I guess I could've. (Edie walks in.) Edie: Well... hello there. Julie:Edie! Hi. Oh, sorry.Uh, he was just...he was helping me get the lights back on. I overloaded my circuits. Edie:I can see that. Austin:Yeah, so she's doing some big science project, and she needed me to explain how electricity works. I think that's called irony'. Edie:Julie, where's your mom? Julie:She's on a trip. Do you need something? Edie:Yeah, back when I could stand her, I loaned her my CD player. I need it. Julie:Oh, she took it to the hospital for Mike. Edie:Oh, God. This Florence Nightingale act is really chapping my ass. Hey, science guy, I have an experiment for you. Go home, mix two ounces of Gin, a splash of Vermouth, and see if it improves my mood when I drink it.Julie, sweetie...you're a good girl.Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew. Julie:Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents. Edie:Honey...that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sinclair Hotel - Johns Room]
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(Gabrielle and John are in bed.) John:Just like old times, huh? Gabrielle:Except now when we're done, I don't have to proofread your essay on Ethan Frome'. John:And I don't have to jump out of a window.That's a nice change.Hey, how about I order up a bottle of Dom? Gabrielle:Ooh, I like rich John! (John answers his phone.) John:Hello? Oh! Uh, hi. Nothing, uh, you know, just, uh, room service and a movie. What? Really? You're... You're kidding. Uh, no! I'm thrilled. It's, uh, room 424. Me, too. Bye.(jumping out of bed and lifting Gabrielle out) You gotta get out of here! Gabrielle:What? John:My fiance's on her way up. Gabrielle:Oh! Your fiance? John:She was supposed to come tomorrow. Guess she decided to surprise me. Get dressed! Gabrielle:Uh, you...You're engaged? To who?! John: (gathering Gabrielles clothes) Her name's Tammy.Where's your other shoe?! Gabrielle:How could you do this to me?I would never have let you seduce me if I knew you were getting married. John:Well, you didn't have any problem sleeping with me when you were married! Gabrielle:You knew about Carlos! My cheating was upfront and honest. John: Look, Gaby, we don't have time for this. Get moving. Gabrielle:No, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, I wanna meet the blushing bride. John: Listen to me, okay? Her name is Tammy Sinclair. As in Sinclair Hotels.As in her father owns this whole damn chain. So if she catches you in here, I am totally screwed. (Knocking at the door.John opens the door.) Tammy:Poodle! John: Look at you, surprising me. Tammy:Oh, I missed you. John:I missed you, too. Tammy:Ugh, this room blows. Daddy was supposed to hook us up with a suite. John:You know, you're right. Why don't we go down to the front desk and demand one? Come on. Tammy:Oh, no. They're all booked. They call this a closet? Where am I supposed to put all my stuff? John:You know, I could really use a drink. Why don't we go down to the bar? Tammy:I'm wiped. I just wanna stay in. Didn't you unpack yet? John:No, um, actually, the zipper is stuck, but they have a guy at the hotel that can fix it. You know, I should probably go ahead and take it down to the lobby. Tammy:Now? I'm horny. John:So am I...But I will be a lot hornier...Once I get rid of this suitcase. (John starts carrying the suitcase to the elevator.) Tammy:Poodle? Where did this diamond watch come from? John:Oh, shoot, um...That's what you get for surprising me. I didn't get a chance to wrap it. You like it? Tammy:I love it!I'm never taking it off! A voice from the suitcase:Son of a bitch! (John kicks the suitcase.) Tammy:Come here, you! (Tammy pulls John back into their room and the elevator door closes.The elevator stops and another couple
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get in.) Voice from the suitcase:John? John, where are you, damn it? (A finger appears out of the zipper and unzips the bag.Gabrielle climbs out and looks at the couple.) Gabrielle: Don't laugh.I saved a bundle on airfare. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians Cabin] (Susam is lying in bed.Ian is playing the piano.Susan comes downstairs.) Ian:Susan, I'm so... Susam:Shhhh.Keep playing. (Ian plays the piano.They kiss.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Yard] (Bree is working in her garden.Orson approaches.) Orson:Your azaleas are breathtaking. Bree:Thank you. Orson:You should be very proud of them. Bree:Yeah, it's nice to know that I can raise some things correctly. Orson: Darling, be patient. Andrew will come around. Bree:No, I don't think he will. I failed him. Orson:I think you're being too hard on yourself. Bree:And you're not being hard enough. Stop saying that what I did was understandable, I'm a mother who abandoned her child.That's... unnatural. Orson:Bree, it's hot. You're tired. Why don't you come inside? Bree:Because there is a bottle of Chardonnay in the refrigerator, and right now, this little chore is the only thing that's keeping me from going inside and drinking the whole damn thing. Orson:Well... The azaleas really are lovely. Bree:Yes, they are, aren't they? (Orson looks out the window and sees Bree crying.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sinclair Hotel] (Gabrielle is having breakfast at the outdoor restaurant.John approaches.) John:Hi. Look, I'm sorry. Here's your watch. I guess I'll just buy Tammy a new one. Gabrielle:Don't you mean her daddy will buy her a new one and just launder the money through you? John:I don't blame you for being angry. All right, I should've told you the truth from the start. But when I saw you there in the moonlight, it took me right back to when we were together. Gabrielle:Me, too.Do you wanna sit down? You know, you're pretty hard to stay mad at. John:Good, 'cause I really didn't want this to end badly. Gabrielle:Who says it has to end? John:What are you talking about? Gabrielle:Well, I'm single now, and I thought we could maybe... John:Gaby... I'm getting married. Gabrielle:Sure, and I was married when we got together. John:Right, but that...is not how I'm gonna be married. Gabrielle:Well, that's what I thought, but trust me, marriage is hard. John:I know that, but...I love Tammy and I don't wanna screw it up.'Cause enough of those screw ups and you just end up alone.
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Gabrielle:Yeah, that can happen. John:Good-bye, Gabrielle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Skid Row] (A man walks up to Andrew sitting in a beat up chair reading.) Andrew:Um, hey, mister, uh, Could you spare a buck or two? I'm really hungry. (Orson hands him a bill.) Andrew:Hey, thanks! Orson:I'll give you fifty dollars more, you let me buy you lunch. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Coffee Shop] (Andrew orders lunch.) Andrew:Fries and a large root beer. (Orson hands him a fifty dollar bill.) Andrew:What am I gonna have to do to earn this? Orson:I told you, I just wanna talk to you. Andrew:You're another reporter? Orson:No. Andrew:You a youth pastor? You trying to save my soul? Orson:Oh, you make it sound like a challenge. No, I just wanna understand you, Andrew. Andrew:Wait, how did you know my name? You're him, aren't you? You're, uh...the new husband. Orson:Orson. Andrew:You know, I wouldn't talk to her. What makes her think I'll listen to you? Orson:Your mother doesn't know I'm here. Andrew:All right, Dad. What do you wanna talk about, Dad? Orson:I wanna know how you survive out here. What do you do for money? Andrew:I ask. People give it to me. Orson:That's it? Andrew:What, what do you wanna know? Have I done stuff for money that I'm not proud of? Yeah, sure, but you figured that out as soon I asked you what the fifty was for. But, uh... Don't tell my mom.Or you know what? Do. Who cares? Orson:Well, I think part of you wants me to tell her because you know how much it would hurt her. I mean, that's why you're out here, isn't it? To punish her. When will you have punished her enough, Andrew? When you turn to drugs to numb the pain, or you catch a disease you'll never be rid of? Andrew:Don't pretend to care about me, all right? Orson:I do care about you, because Bree cares about you.Because we're more alike than you think. I know about rage. I know how it eats you up. But rage goes away, and when it does, you're just left with the mess you've made. (The waitress brings Andrews lunch in a bag.) Andrew:Thanks for lunch. Orson:You change your mind, you know where to find us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes car] (She is driving everyone home from the camp site.) Lynette:How's your back? Tom:If I don't breathe, great. God, it has been so long since my back has acted up.Then wham, out of the
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blue,I'm crying by a tree stump. Lynette:Well, you're under a lot of stress. You got a new kid in the family. You're job hunting. Tom:Ugh. Are we gonna fight about that again? 'Cause if so, I'm gonna need those last four muscle relaxants. Lynette:No, I don't wanna fight. In fact, I was thinking...If you can't find something you like in advertising, maybe you should cast a wider net. Tom:Meaning what? Lynette:You're a bright guy.Isn't there anything else you might wanna do? Tom:I'd like to play bass for Aerosmith. Lynette:Okay, let's call that the backup plan. But, seriously, don't you have some road not taken, some dream you never got around to? Tom:I don't know, maybe. Lynette:Maybe? Tom:I don't know. You get married. You have kids and...you lose track of that stuff. Lynette:Well, think about it, okay? Cause whatever you wanna do, I'm in your corner. Tom:Man, did I luck out marrying you. Lynette:Tell me something I don't know. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Community Hospital] (Edie walks into Mikes Room) Edie:Hi, Mike.It's Edie.I'm sorry that I haven't come by to visit. Pretty rough luck, huh? Anyway, I'm, um...here to pick up my CD player. So...well, I hope you feel better soon. (Edie picks up the CD player. Edie lifts the sheets and looks at Mikes crotch.) Edie:Damn! And that's with the coma. (Edie picks up the box of candy.She turns back toward Mike amd freezes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes Driveway] (Lynette is unloading the car.Tom tries to lift a bag and hurts himself.Lynette comes back and picks it up.) Mary Alice Voiceover:We all carry something with us. Of course, it's nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees Front Porch] (Andrew knocks on the door.Bree opens the door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But usually, it's easier to just drop what we've been carrying, so we can get home that much sooner... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles House] (Gabrielle enters carrying her suitcase.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Assuming, of course, there will be someone there to greet us when we arrive. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians Cabin] (Susan is lying in Ians arms in bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Why do we clutch at this baggage, even when we're desperate to move on? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Community Hospital - Mikes Room] (Edie slowly turns and sees Mike open his eyes.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Because we all know there's a chance... we might let go too soon.
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~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X04: Like It Was -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Bree:A reporter just did a story on homeless teens, my son is one of them. Orson:Oh, my God. Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson found Andrew. Andrew:Have I done stuff for money that I'm not proud of? Yeah, sure. Mary Alice Voiceover:And the prodigal son returned. Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike fell into a coma... Susan:What could be more romantic? Ian:I could think of... of something. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Susan fell into the arms of another man...a bit too soon. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's room] Mary Alice Voiceover:The day Mike Delfino woke from his coma, Edie Britt was the first to know. Once she was sure he was responsive... Edie: Mike? Aah! Aah! Mary Alice Voiceover:Edie decided to share the good news with others. Edie:Code red! Code red! My friend just woke up from his coma. Mary Alice Voiceover:And that is how word began to spread. Mike's physician, Dr. Craig, was busy with a patient when he first heard the news. Not long after, he called his aunt Ida, who was busy knitting a sweater. She told Lynette Scavo, who was busy watering her lawn, and she told her husband Tom, who was busy playing a computer game. He then e-mailed his friend Carlos, who was busy plotting strategy with his divorce lawyer and Carlos called his soon-to-be ex-wife Gabrielle, who was busy doing the same with hers. Yes, word of Mike's miraculous recovery spread quickly throughout Wisteria Lane and stopped cold everyone's busy, busy life--everyone, that is...except for Susan Mayer, who was busy doing something she would soon wish...she hadn't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Mary Alice Voiceover:Edward Sibley was the beloved founder of the town of Fairview. Prior to that, he was best known as a bootlegger...a womanizer...and a horse thief. Of course, no one remembers those parts of Edward's past. Luckily for him, history is designed to be rewritten...and no one knew this better than Bree Hodge. Andrew:So you're just gonna lie to people? Bree:Oh, I'm not talking about a lie--just a polite fiction to explain to everybody where you've been. I mean, we can't possibly tell them that you've been living on Skid Row, sleeping in a cardboard box. Andrew:So why do I have to go to this history fair anyway? I mean, it's just some dumb school contest. We all know Danielle's not gonna win. She never wins anything.
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Danielle:Is it weird eating off plates? 'Cause if you were more comfortable, you could just eat straight out of the garbage. Bree:This is a family event, and we're all gonna enjoy it together. Now, Danielle, stop sniping and start thinking of an alibi for your brother. Danielle:I know. We could say he joined a cult, and we had to kidnap and deprogram him. Bree:Well, that would certainly spare the family some embarrassment. Why not throw in a killing spree, too? Orson:Well, here's a thought--we say he was at drama camp. It reflects Andrew's interest in the performing arts, while giving us a private joke to savor about the drama of his estrangement. (Andrew looks at Danielle.) Danielle:Uh, yeah, he is always like that. Andrew:Uh, guys, why can't we just tell the truth? Uh, I got out of line, you kicked me out, I lived on the street, and I came back home. Bree: We'll need a name for this drama camp. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's front lawn] Gabrielle:We got ties here, people! Designer ties, two for a dollar! Ooh, do you like those barbells? Make me an offer. I'm feeling generous. Here's the customer I've been waiting for. (Carlos walks up.) Customer:I'll give you $ 5 for this. Gabrielle: Carlos, I see you got my flier. Carlos: You're having a garage sale featuring menswear and sporting equipment. Gabrielle:I need cash, and you don't expect me to sell MY stuff, do you? Carlos:Those are my good cuff links! Those are my CDs! Oh, my God, This is my baby blanket. My mam knitted this! Gabrielle:And it pains me to sell it. It's just that my lawyer told me What you're offering for spousal support, And I can't get by on that. Carlos:Hey, I am doing the best that I can. I've got a few deals in the pipeline, But I'm not making near as much as I used to. Gabrielle:So I should be punished? Attention, shoppers, for the next minutes, free golf club with every purchase! Carlos:Gaby, I'm trying to be civil, But if you don't knock it off right now, I swear, the gloves are coming off. Gabrielle:Oh, honey, the gloves aren't just off... They're 70 % off! Get your cashmere gloves! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Lynette:Hey, Parker, where's your uniform? You got your game in an hour. Parker: No, I don't. I quit. Lynette:What? Parker:I hate baseball. Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore. Lynette:Well, Daddy should have checked with mommy, so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing. Parker: But, Mom, I suck! Everybody says so. That's why they made up a fake position for me. Lynette:It is not fake. There is not a team I know that could get along without their backup far right fielder. Okay, come on, let's go practice. [Outside] Lynette:All right, let's try it again. Nice and easy. Watch the ball hit the bat. You ready? You can do it. Here we go. Okay, Parker, I keep telling you, you gotta keep your eyes open. How are you gonna hit the ball when
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you're doing this? Parker:You threw it too fast. Throw slower. Lynette:If I threw any slower, we would be bowling. (Tom walks up.) Lynette:Hey. Tom:Hey, whatcha guys doing? Lynette:I'll tell you what we're not doing--quitting. Tom: Oh, hey, buddy, did you change your mind? Parker:No. Tom: Lynette, I told him that he didn't have to play anymore. Lynette:He's got five more games in the season. He made a commitment. He's gonna see it through. Tom:But, Lynette, he doesn't like it, And if you haven't noticed, he kind of sucks. Lynette:Yeah, well, that's not the point.What kind of message are we sending if we let him quit whenever the going gets rough? Tom:Honey, it is kids' baseball. It's a way to kill three hours before they eat pizza. Why you being such a hard-ass? Lynette:Well, it's called parenting, Tom.Watch and learn.Okay, P-dog, this is a curveball. Again, opening the eyes--can't stress it enough. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's cabin] Susan: Are you sure it's okay if we stay another day? Ian: Well, let's see. What excuse did we use when we had this conversation yesterday? Susan:That we work hard, and we deserve to relax. Ian:No, I believe that was last Thursday's rationale. Susan: Uh, fresh air is good for us? Ian: Ah, Tuesday. Susan:Okay, here's one--Julie needs to spend more time bonding with her father. Ian:Brilliant! Susan:If we keep this up, We could stay here till Christmas. Ian:You know, some--sometimes when you smile like that, That--that--that really makes me think that--that... Susan:What? What were you gonna say? Ian:Well, it makes me think that I could love you. I...don't mean "love" In the swooning schoolboy sense--you know, fireworks exploding, bells ringing. To me, it's--it's about this-- A mundane task that-- that's suddenly a joy because of who you're doing it with. That's love to me--someone to fluff while you fold, someone to whisper to at a boring party, someone to...to... (Susan steps up to him and puts her finger on his mouth to quiet him.) Susan:Shh. Do you mind? You're kind of drowning out the bells. Ian:So I am. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's room] Mike:I think I can feed myself now. Edie:Mm, you said that yesterday, And I wound up with a cleavage full of pudding. You heard the therapist. It's gonna be weeks before you're up and running. Mike:I just wanna get home, unpack. Edie:You just let home come to you, okay? The whole street's dying to see you. Bree is even bakin' you a peach pie.
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Mike:She's the redhead, right? Edie:Right. Mike:Husband's a doctor...Rex. Edie:Rex is dead. Mike:Really? When did that happen? Edie:About a year and a half ago. Mike:What? Edie:Yeah. You were at his funeral. Mike:What are you talking about? That's not possible. I just met him right before my accident. Edie:Mike...what year is it? Mike:Why? (Later, the doctor is talking to Edie.) Dr. Craig:It's called retrograde memory loss. It's caused by the swelling and frontal lobe damage. You say he's lost two whole years? Edie:Yeah. Is that unusual? Dr. Craig:Ah, patients more typically lose several weeks. The damage may be more severe than we thought. Edie:Well, do you think he'll get his memory back? Dr. Craig:He might, at least partially. You could be of some assistance with that. Edie:How? Dr. Craig:Bring him some personal belongings, photos, letters. He's gonna need some help to remember what he can't. Edie:Oh, I'm sure I could fill in a few blanks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Little League Ballpark] (Lynette and Tom are watching Parkers baseball game.) Lynette:Hey, did I tell you that, uh, Burnham Fox is looking for a new creative director? Tom: PR? What makes you think I wanna work for a PR firm? Lynette:Easy hours, big paycheck, access to great parties...yeah, what was I thinking? Tom:Honey, we agreed that I would chase my dreams. And that ain't it. Lynette: Look, I was just making conversation. Batter up! Tom:Is he up? Parent:Oh, come on! Lynette:Come on, Parker! Keep your eye on the ball! Umpire:Strike one! Lynette:Hey, people, he's just a kid, okay? Parent:Come on. Umpire:Strike two! Lynette:Hey, hey, that is not helpful. It only takes one, Parker! Only takes one! Tom:Come on, Parker! Woman:It's not your son's fault. He's just up against the best pitcher in the league. Lynette:Yeah, guy's a machine. Who is that kid? Woman:Nicky Abbott. He's a neighbor of mine. Lynette:The kid's got an arm like a 13-year-old. Woman:Strike three! You're out! Lynette:I'm gonna go buy him an ice cream. It's okay, P-dog. You're gonna get 'em the next inning! So tell me,
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what else do you know about this Nicky kid? (Later, Lynette catches up to Nicky at an ice cream truck outside the baseball field.) Ice Cream Vendor:You're short 50 cents. Nicky: Please, that's all I got. Lynette:Hey, give the kid what he wants. (She hands the vendor some money.) Nicky:Thanks. Hey, aren't you, uh, Parker Scavo's mom? Lynette:That's right. Come. Walk with me. So, money's a little tight, huh? Nicky:A little. Lynette:Yeah, I heard your old man's out of work. That's gotta be tough. Nicky:Yeah, they, uh, cut my allowance. Lynette:No! A kid's gotta have an allowance. How else you gonna buy the things you want, right? Like that cotton candy. That's a little piece of heaven, huh? Hey, I got an idea. Maybe we could help each other out. My son's having a little trouble hitting the ball. Nicky:Yeah, I saw that. Lynette:Yeah. Ever seen one of these? (She pulls out a $50 bill.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle is getting her mail when Carlos drives up.) Gabrielle:Carlos, what are you doing here? I mean, besides lowering my property value. Carlos:I had a little news and I wanted to see your face when I delivered it. Gabrielle:Oh? Carlos:I'm tired of fighting, so I called my lawyer and told him to give in to your demands for spousal support. Gabrielle:Really? Wow. Well, thank you. Okay, you've seen my face. Now you can beat it. Carlos:Wait.There's more. Since I'm gonna be giving you all that money, I have to cut back on some stuff, like the rent on my apartment. But the good news is, according to my lawyer, I'm completely within my rights to do this. Honey, I'm home. Gabrielle:Wait! You can't stay here! Carlos:Now there's the face that I was looking for. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Little League Ballpark] Umpire:Batter up! Strike one! Woman:Wow, that was kind of slow. His arm must be getting tired. Lynette:Yeah, well, after all those fastballs...come on, Parker! You can do it! Umpire: Strike two! Lynette:Oh, my God! Yes! (Parker hits the ball, which hits Nicky straight in the forehead. He falls to the ground. His teammates, coach, and parents rush up to him. As Lynette and Tom watch, Nicky pulls out the money Lynette gave him and points in her direction. Everyone on the field turns to look at Lynette.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[High School] (The Hodge family is at the history fair at Danielles school. Bree sees Danielles history teacher.) Bree:Mr. Faladi. Mr. Faladi:Yes? Bree:I cannot thank you enough for getting Danielle interested in history. She has never worked so hard on a
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project before. Mr. Faladi:Well, don't tell anyone, but she is my favorite student. Oh, and it's so good to see that Andrew's back. Where's he been all this time? Bree: Drama camp. A very prestigious drama camp. (In a different part of the room, Andrew stands by one of the history fair entries. A man walks up and looks at the same entry, then smiles at Andrew.) Dr. Keck: Do I know you? Andrew:Yeah, uh, you gave me a ride in your black sedan once. You know, the one with the reclining seats? Dr. Keck: Excuse me. Andrew:Yeah. (The man leaves and Orson walks up to Andrew.) Orson:Wasn't that Dr. Keck? You know him? Andrew: Yeah. Yeah, we, uh, met at drama camp. Orson: Oh, good lord. You mean... Andrew:Yeah. I, uh, "performed" for him once. Are you all right? Orson:I'll be all right. I'm fine. Howard Keck? You sure? I mean, he's a very respected member of the community. Andrew: Yeah, well, they all were. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Bree:What were you and Andrew talking about today at the fair? Orson:Uh, nothing. I was gonna make some cocoa. Would you like some? Bree: Orson, I saw the two of you whispering right after Dr. Keck ran off. What happened? Orson: Look, Andrew asked me not to say anything, But I don't want there to be any secrets between us, So please don't let him know I told you. Bree: Well, of course not. What is it? Orson: How to put this? Uh, when Andrew was on the street, he, uh, he didn't just beg for money. At times, he, well, he did things to earn it. Bree: Oh, good. I mean, I'd hate to think he had no work ethic at all. Orson: Uh, what I mean is, men hired him, uh, to, uh, do things. Things he wasn't very proud of. Bree: Yard work? Orson: Afraid not. Bree:Orson, you're scaring me. Did he do something awful? Orson: No! No. Not awful. I mean, people do it all the time. I do it with you. I just don't pay you for it. (Bree suddenly gets a horrified expression on her face.) Orson:I think someone could use a cocoa. Look, we mustn't judge Andrew. He was desperate. Bree:I'll never forgive myself. It's all my fault for pushing him away. Orson:Bree, don't do that to yourself. The important thing now is that he's home and he's safe. Bree:How does this Dr. Keck fit into all of this? I mean, is he treating Andrew for some awful disease? Orson: Actually, I think he was one of Andrew's clients. Bree: Howard Keck? Oh, that's ridiculous. He's got a wife and a daughter. He plays on Tom Scavo's bowling team. Orson: Well, that's clearly not the only team he plays for. Bree: This is a nightmare, an absolute nightmare. (As they talk, Bree and Orson walk into the kitchen and Orson takes out a knife to cut into a pie cooling on the
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counter.) Bree: Please don't cut into that pie. I made it for Mike. Orson: Mike? Delfino? Bree: Yes. I left you two messages. Didn't you check your voice mail? He woke up from his coma. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree are having coffee at Gabrielles kitchen table.) Gabrielle:Who is it? It is Sharla Banning? Bree:I'm not telling who it is. I'm just asking the question. If you know a husband has been unfaithful, do you tell the wife? Lynette: Absolutely. If he's cheating, he could bring home a disease. Bree: Okay, that's what I was thinking. Gabrielle:I mean, that's how Bunny Connors got Chlamydia. Bree:She told me she got it from wearing someone else's bathing suit. Gabrielle:No, that's how she got crabs. Poor Bunny. It's always something. If it's not the clap, it's a botched face-lift. Bree: Be that as it may, do we all agree that I should tell this man's wife? Gabrielle:I wouldn't. Women always say they wanna know if their husband's cheating, and they always resent the person who tells them. Lynette:So if Tom was cheating, you wouldn't tell me? Gabrielle: No! But I would hire someone to beat the crap out of him. Lynette: Aw, you're sweet. Bree, I'm sorry. I think you gotta follow your heart on this one, even if it isn't the easiest thing to do. (Carlos walks into the kitchen wearing a shirt and underwear but no pants. He opens the refrigerator and looks inside it.) Bree:Gaby, are you and Carlos getting back together? Gabrielle:Why? (She sees Carlos.) Gabrielle:Uh, would you excuse me? (She gets up from the table and goes over to him.) Gabrielle:What are you doing? I told you I was having friends over! Carlos:I'm thirsty! And this is my kitchen, too. Hey, ladies! Gabrielle:Oh, for God sakes, put some pants on! Carlos:Well, I wanted to. But somebody threw my laundry out of the dryer while it was still wet. Gabrielle: Don't act like you didn't deserve that. Carlos:What are you talking about? Gabrielle:You peed in my shampoo. Admit it! Carlos:What? Gabrielle:Yeah, the cap was loose, and I know how your sick mind works. Carlos:Oh, really? Well, in that case, you should know that if I was gonna do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo. I would do it to your mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee. Ladies. (He leaves and Gabrielle sits back down at the table.) Gabrielle:To answer your question, no, we are not getting back together. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's cabin]
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Susan:I love this music. What's it about? Ian:Making love, regret, cigarettes. Susan:Cigarettes? Ian:That's what I assume. It's French. They write what they know. Susan:I'd love to go to France someday. Ian:Would you like to go next month? Susan:Are you serious? Ian:Yeah, I'm going on business. Come with me. Susan:Oh, Ian, I just took a week off. I couldn't possibly justify taking another. Ian:Oh, you'll manage. We've already proven ourselves masters of the flimsy rationalization. Susan:Well, okay. You gotta promise me we'll actually leave the hotel room. Ian:It's Paris, dear. You can pretty much make love anywhere. Susan:Mmm. (Susans cell phone rings.) Susan:I thought you said you didn't get reception up here. Ian: Well, the occasional signal gets through. Please don't answer. Susan:Oh, it's Julie. I have to. Hello? What's up? Hey. Uh, I can't, no, can you say that again? The signal's really bad. What? Oh, my God. Ian: Is something wrong? Susan:Mike woke up. Um, Julie, when, when did he...Julie? Julie! Oh, damn it! Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, my God! Um, uh, I, I, I have to go. Um, I gotta get out of here. Ian:Yes, of course. Susan:Uh, I, I think that you're sitting on my bra. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Lynette:What'd the coach say? Tom:What do you think he said? Parker's off the team. Lynette:That's not fair! It's not his fault! Tom:It doesn't matter, Because his mother bribed an 8 -year-old pitcher, Who also, by the way, was kicked off of his team. Lynette:Not Nicky, too! Tom:What were you thinking? Lynette:I was trying to repair my son's shattered self-esteem. Tom: With a $ 50 ? Lynette:Yeah. Tom:Honey, everything would've been fine If you had just let Parker quit. Lynette:Well, excuse me for not wanting my son to be a quitter. Tom:Yeah, 'cause I guess having two in the family would be a bit much. Lynette:Whoa. Where'd that come from? Tom:You say that you support my decision to leave advertising and follow my dream, but it is obvious to me that you resent it. Lynette:That is not true! Tom:Why do you keep dropping all these hints about the job at Burnham Fox then, huh? Lynette:I just figured, since you're taking your time figuring out what your dream even is, you might wanna make a few bucks in the meantime. I have a dream, too. It includes keeping this house. Tom:Oh, like I don't
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(Parker comes down the stairs.) Parker:Are you fighting? Tom:No! Lynette:No.It was excitement, because we have just decided you don't have to play baseball anymore. Ha! Isn't that great? Parker:But I can't stop now. Lynette:Huh? Parker:Not when I'm finally getting good. You were right, Mom. I just needed a little more practice. So come on, come on! Let's go practice! See you outside. Tom:So what's on the next page of your parenting handbook? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's cabin] Susan:Ian, can you please hurry? Ian:I am hurrying! Susan:We should've been on the road ten minutes ago. Ian:It's not like checking out of a hotel. There're doors to secure. I have to turn the gas valve off. Susan:Can't you do that stuff later? Ian:When? After the place is overrun by raccoons? Of course, the joke would be on them when it blows up. Susan:Mike is awake! He's lying there and he's wondering where I am. Ian:Yes, I get it. You're in a hurry. Just please give me a minute. Susan:I bet you'd move faster if Jane were awake. (Ian stops and stares at her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's room] (Edie is sitting on Mikes bed with him showing him pictures.) Edie:Ah, here's the picture that you took of me in my bikini at that pool party. You could've warned me I was showing a little nip.Oh, Susan Mayer. Remember her? Mike:Yeah. She's pretty. Edie:Yeah, she is, sort of, in this picture. Is there a date on this thing? Mike:The nurses said that she visited me a lot. We were close, huh? Edie:You have just come out of a coma. Can we not talk about Susan till you start to regain your strength? Mike:Why? Edie:Oh, God. I hate to be the one telling you this...Well, If you don't want to--That tramp treated you like dirt. She strung you along. She slept with other guys. You broke up with her twice. Mike:Well, why did she keep visiting me when I was out of it? Edie:Well, She's a bit of a stalker. I was worried that she was gonna come in here and disconnect one of the tubes or something. But don't worry. She's glommed on to some new guy, and she's up in the mountains at his place with him right now. Mike:Wow. She told the nurses that she really loved me. Edie:That's the one thing about Susan that you must never forget. She is a liar. (Standing outside of Mikes room is Orson. A doctor walks up to him.) Dr. Craig:You waiting to see Mike Delfino? Orson:Uh, yes. I'm a, I'm a neighbor. But, uh, he already has a visitor, so I'll come back later. Dr. Craig:Well, don't be surprised if he doesn't recognize you. He's suffered significant memory loss. Orson:Really? Oh, that's too bad. Dr. Craig:You sure you don't want to go in? Ms. Britt's here all the time. She won't mind.
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Orson:No. I've waited this long. I can wait a bit longer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Carlos, on the porch, puts his key into the lock, but it wont turn. He looks into the living room where Gabrielle is sitting and shouts to her.) Carlos:Gaby! Gabrielle:Hey, Carlos. What's up? Carlos:My key won't work. Gabrielle:That's probably because I had the locks changed. Carlos:Gaby! Gabrielle:Can't be too safe. You never know when someone might move in on you when you're not looking. (Carlos looks around the porch and picks up a chair. Gabrielle picks up the phone and dials a number.) Gabrielle:Hello? There's an intruder breaking into my home. Can you tell them to come armed? I think he's Mexican. (Later, Carlos is handcuffed to a chair in the house while two police officers stand around.) Carlos:I'm telling you, I'm her husband. I bought her this house. My name is on the deed. Officer:Ma'am, if you're married, It's a matter of public record. I can find out very quickly. Gabrielle:All right, but we're going through a very messy divorce, And he moved back in on me. And everyone knows the wife keeps the house, And the husband gets the crappy apartment. It's the American way. Carlos:Call my lawyer. This is all totally legal, and she knows it. She's just trying to get back at me. Officer:I hear that. You wouldn't believe the stuff my wife pulled when we split. Gabrielle:Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't take sides! Police officers aren't allowed to take sides.I pay your salary. (She swats the officers shoulder.) Officer:Ted, did you see that? This lady just assaulted me. Gabrielle:Oh. It was a swat. Ted, does this hurt? (She swats at the other officer.) (Later, Gabrielle is struggling against the two officers who are trying to shove her into the back of the police car.) Gabrielle:Get your hands off me! Police brutality! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Little League Ballpark] (Lynette talks with the coach.) Lynette:This is all my fault. Why punish Parker? Coach:Sorry, Mrs. Scavo. Rules are rules. I can't put him back on the team. Lynette:Just one more game.He'll suck, the other kids will taunt him, and he'll wanna quit again.See, everybody wins. Coach:I wish I could help, but... Lynette: Please? You can't bend the rules just once? Coach: Did you know the team could use some new batting helmets? Lynette:Are you asking for a bribe? Coach:You pretending you're above that? Lynette:I'll get my checkbook. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vera's house] (Bree knocks on the door of a neighbors house, holding a basket of baked goods.)
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Bree:Hello, Vera. I made you some of those, uh, shortbread biscuits that you like so much. Vera:How sweet! Can you stay for some tea? It's been so long. We have some catching up to do. Bree:Yes. Yes, we do. (Later, the two of them sit in Veras living room.) Bree:I know how painful this must be for you. It isn't easy for me either, considering Andrew's role in it. Vera:And why have you told me this? Bree:Because I thought you'd want to know. Vera:Why? Bree:So you could do something. Vera: Do you think I'm an idiot? That I know nothing about the man I've lived with for 27 years? I've always assumed Howard had some outlet, a friend tucked away somewhere. I didn't know. I didn't care to know. But thank you for painting so vivid, so indelible a picture of my husband's activities. Bree:I'm sorry. I just felt that if it were me, I Vera:You'd want to know. Bree:Yes, absolutely. Vera:Then I owe you an apology because I've been sitting on a little secret about your family. Bree:Oh? Vera:Actually, it's not much of a secret. My daughter tells me it's common knowledge among the cheerleaders. Bree:What is? Vera:The fact that Danielle is sleeping with her history teacher. But where are my manners? I should have brought some biscuits with that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Little League Ballpark] Tom:Well, aren't we just the parents of the year? Sitting in the stands, waiting for our son to fail So we can weasel out of a bribery scandal. Lynette:Two bribery scandals. Gotta count the batting helmets. Umpire:Strike one! Tom:You know, for what it's worth, I don't think you're a quitter. Lynette:Good. Tom:And you don't resent me? Lynette:No. Umpire:Ball one! Lynette:Okay, well, maybe a little. Tom:Why? Lynette:You get to chase your dream while I get to spend the rest of my life in advertising. Umpire:Strike two! Lynette:Maybe I'd like to write a book Or, you know, start my own magazine. And then I think, no, I can't. I have a family to support, and I am okay with that... Umpire:Ball two! Lynette:... most of the time. Tom:You know what? I'm gonna look into that job at Burnham Fox. Lynette: Don't you dare! You are gonna chase your dream, And I am gonna support you 99 % of the time. Tom:It's all I could really ask for. (Parker hits the next ball thats pitched to him.) Lynette:How the hell did he do that?
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Crowd:Yeah! Come on, come on! Tom:Crap, they're cheering for him. Lynette:Oh, he's never gonna quit now! Tom:What are we gonna say to him? Crowd:Go, go, go, go! (Parker trips as hes running. Later, Lynette and Tom look at his ankle.) Parker:Ow! Ow! Tom:I don't know, buddy. Looks like a pretty bad sprain. Probably gonna be out the rest of the season. Parker: Damn. Tom:Hey, but you know what? That was one heck of a hit. Parker:Sure was. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jail] Carlos:I posted your bail. We can go. Gaby Gabrielle: Don't talk to me. Carlos:Oh, lighten up.You were in there for maybe an hour. The whole thing is funny, And you know it. Come on, Gaby! We've been going at each other for months now. Can we just stop? You know as well as I do we're gonna end up back together. Gabrielle:Wow, you are crazy. Carlos:No, what's crazy is throwing away the past three years. I mean, Why can't we just say "What we really feel for a change?" Fine, I'll get the ball rolling. I still love you. Gabrielle:That's too bad, because I don't love you. Carlos:Yeah, right. Gabrielle:I don't. And I haven't for a very long time. Carlos:That's a lie. You're just saying that to hurt me. Gabrielle:No, if I wanted to hurt you, I would tell you about last weekend when I slept with John Rowland. (Carlos pulls the car over to the side of the road and drags Gabrielle out onto the road, then gets back in the car and drives away.) Gabrielle:Carlos, what are you doing? Carlos! What are you doing?! Carlos! You can't leave me out here in the middle of nowhere! Ah! Carlos! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree and Danielle come down the stairs arguing. Andrew is reading on the couch in the living room.) Bree: Danielle! Danielle, he is your history teacher, and he is 35 years old! Danielle:Robert says age is just a number. Bree: Don't you dare leave this house! Danielle:You can't break us up! I love him, and he loves me! (She leaves. Bree sinks down onto the stairs. Andrew comes over to her and sits down next to her.) Andrew:Come on, Mom. Bree:I am so tired of feeling like the worst mother who ever lived. Andrew:You're not. There's Grandma. Bree:I just--I've tried so hard to set a good example. I've done the best I could to teach you kids right from wrong. Why isn't it taking? Andrew:It took. I mean, we know the difference between right and wrong. We just chose "wrong." Bree:Why? Andrew:Sometimes when you push a kid really hard to go one way, the other way starts to look more
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entertaining. Bree:You're awful. Andrew:Yeah, I know. I blame shoddy parenting. Bree:You know, we never discussed what it was like for you while you were... away. I just want you to know, if you ever wanna talk about it, there's nothing you can't tell me. Andrew:Um, thanks. Not right now. Okay? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the hospital] (Ian drives Susan to the hospital and once there, she gets out of the car.) Susan:I'll pick up my bags later. Ian:It's not my fault you weren't there. Susan: What? Ian:It's not. I know what you're feeling, but Susan:How could you possibly know what I was feeling? For six months, I have prayed every day for that man to wake up, And you made me give up on him. Ian:I did not make you. Susan:Okay, not on purpose, but you did. You were sweet and charming and English.And that's why when my prayers were answered,I was a hundred miles away, naked in someone else's arms.This should never have happened. Ian:You can say what you want about this, say that you feel guilty, say that it was bad timing, but--but don't you say that this should never have happened!Because you're the--you're the best thing that's happened to me in years. Susan:Ian, I'm, I'm sorry. I know how you feel. It's Mike. It's my Mike. Ian:Well, then, then you should go. Susan:Thank you. (She goes into the hospital.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's room] Susan:Oh, my God. You ARE awake. Mike:Hi, Susan. Susan:Oh, God! It's so wonderful to hear your voice again. Mike:They say you've been here a lot. Susan:Yes! Yes, I have. Almost every day. I can't tell you how much I'm kicking myself for not being here when you woke up. Mike:Where were you? Susan:I was in the country. But I'm back now. Mike:Okay. Susan:Is something wrong? You, you don't seem happy to see me. Mike:To be honest, I don't remember you. Susan:What? Mike:I remember moving to Fairview and meeting people, but after that, nothing.The doctors say it's the head trauma. Susan:Oh. But you're gonna be all right. And I'm gonna help you remember. Mike:And if you don't mind, I'm kind of tired now. Susan:Oh. Okay. Right, you, you, um, you sleep. I'll come back tomorrow. Mike:I'd rather you didn't. Well, I've got therapy. Maybe next week.
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Susan:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:We all have our reasons for rewriting history.Sometimes we need to provide ourselves alibis... (Andrew talks with some friends outside his house.) Andrew: Drama camp was awesome. Uh, we're talking zero supervision. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes we wanna hurt someone who has hurt us... Gabrielles Lawyer:So you can tell Carlos that he can have the photo albums.She says that they hold no sentimental value for her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:...and then there are times we just wanna spare ourselves embarrassment... (Lynette talks with a friend.) Lynette:I don't know how these rumors get started. No, Parker only quit the team 'cause he hurt his ankle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Of course, there are some who feel that to rewrite history is just another way to lie... Vera:And poor Howard has to work late again tonight. Of course, he does it all for the family. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:...but what is history anyway... (Mike talks to Edie.) Mike:You say I dated Susan for a long time. Do you think I was in love with her? Mary Alice Voiceover:...but a set of lies agreed upon. Edie:I don't. I really, really don't. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X05: Nice She Aint -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate housewives... Bree: Does she know you killed your wife? Mary Alice Voiceover:Secrets were uncovered. Carlos:Honey, I'm home. Mary Alice Voiceover:Carlos came back. Lynette:Whatever you wanna do,I'm in your corner. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette made a promise... Bree:Mr. Faladi... Danielle:I love him,and he loves me! Mary Alice Voiceover:And Bree's daughter fell for her history teacher.While Mike's history... Dr. Craig:He suffered significant memory loss. Mary Alice Voiceover:...was being carefully rewritten. Edie:Susan Mayer. Mike:We were close, huh? Edie:That tramp treated you like dirt.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] Mary Alice Voiceover:The art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs. Sometimes it takes the form of a Bundt cake offered to a friend who's on a diet. Other times, it's a cable cut just as a husband's friends arrive to watch the big game. And then there's always that anonymous phone call to the city zoning department. Yes, in Suburbia, everyone you meet is a potential saboteur. Absolutely everyone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel] (Bree walks into the hotel and goes up to the desk, where a guy is sitting behind the counter.) Bree:Good afternoon. I'm, uh, Bree Hodge, and you are? Gus:Name's Gus, and we're all booked up. Bree:Actually, Gus, um, I'm here to see one of your guests-- a gentleman named Faladi. Gus:Oh, yeah, came in about an hour ago.You want me to call him for you? Bree:No, no, no, no. I'd like you to take me to his room and unlock it so I can walk in unannounced. Gus: Lady, I can't do that. Besides, he has a girl in there. Bree:Yes, I know. She's my daughter. My 17-year-old daughter. Gus:Yeah. Uh, that would be, uh, room, uh, 17. Now there's irony for you. (Later, the two of them walk outside to the hotel room.) Gus:You don't have a gun in there, do you? Because I just put down new carpet. Bree:Oh, Gus, I don't plan anything unpleasant. I'm simply going to inform Mr. Faladi what repercussions he faces if he continues this relationship and trust him to see reason. (She goes inside the room. Gus waits outside. Voices are heard from inside.) Mr. Faladi:What the hell?! Danielle:Mom! What are you doing here?! Mr. Faladi:You just can't walk right in here. Danielle:How can you do this to me?! Mr. Faladi:What makes you think that you can walk in here... Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, the art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs... Mr. Faladi:I told you, it's over! Danielle:But I love you! Mr. Faladi:Okay, didn't you hear her?! (Bree walks out of the room.) Gus:So how'd it go? Quite well, I think. Mary Alice Voiceover:But few do it as well as Bree Hodge... Bree:Oh, and, Gus, the carpet is beautiful. Mary Alice Voiceover:or as politely. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Various Households] Mary Alice Voiceover:Family dinner. There was a time when that phrase meant something on Wisteria Lane.Of course, this was back when meals were lovingly prepared...by wives who loved to cook...for children who remembered their manners. But family dinners, like the times, had changed, and there was only one house in the neighborhood where dinner remained a family occasion...and attendance was not optional. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house]
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(Bree, Orson, Danielle, and Andrew are seated around the dining room table, eating dinner.) Orson:I don't know when I've tasted such tender spring lamb. Bree:Thank you, dear. Danielle, you haven't touched your dinner. Andrew:She doesn't like spring lamb. She prefers old goat. Danielle:I'm glad you guys think it's so funny that my life is over. Orson:Your mother was right to end that relationship. The man was your teacher and married. Danielle:He's getting a divorce. Bree:Well, that hardly bolsters his suitability. Danielle, please, eat something. Orson: Don't worry, dear. Hunger strikes demand self-control, and as we've seen, that's hardly her strong suit. Danielle:When are you gonna take me seriously? Bree:When you start acting like an adult. Andrew:Well, she sleeps with them. That's a start. Danielle:I hate you! I hate all of you! (Danielle stands up and throws her plate of food into the wall.) Bree:Remind me to buy paper plates. We'll need them till a certain someone can be trusted with china again. Danielle:Aah! (Danielle storms out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette walks into the kitchen where Tom is making homemade pizza. He throws the dough into the air and catches it, molding it to form the crust.) Lynette:Wow, you're pretty good at that. Tom:Hey, you are home early. Lynette:Hi. Yes... I am. What is all this? Tom:We are having a celebration. Sit. Lynette:What are we celebrating? Tom:You being the greatest wife in the world. Lynette:Thanks. No, seriously, though. Tom:I mean it. How many wives would tell their husbands to follow his dreams, and then have the patience to wait while he figures out what the hell it is? Lynette:Oh, my God! You know what you wanna do! That's fantastic! What is it? Tom:Wait for it, wait for it...Okay, I knew I needed to spend my days doing something I was passionate about, something creative (He motions towards the pizza.) Tom:Yeah, have at it. Um, something where I interacted with the public but I was still my own boss, and then this morning, it just like--bam, it hit me! Lynette:Okay, okay, I'm dying here. What's the dream? Tom:You're eating it. Lynette:Excuse me? Tom:I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor! I bet you didn't see that one coming. Lynette:No, that was a real Frisbee to the head, that one. Tom:But--but when you think about it, doesn't it make perfect sense? I mean, marinara's in my blood. You remember uncle Vito? He came to this country with nothing. He turned that trattoria into a gold mine. Lynette:Isn't he the one that asked us for a loan last Christmas? Tom:He has a gambling problem, but don't blame the pizza.Trust me.I've got this thing all mapped out. It's gonna have, like, a real family feel, with, like, big portions but small prices, crayons for the kids.Oh, God, I feel
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good about this. Lynette:Hmm. Tom:So what do you think? Lynette:I think... I'm gonna open another bottle of wine. Tom:But we haven't finished this one. Lynette:Well, hey, we're celebrating, right? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] (Gabrielle walks into her bedroom and finds Carlos standing by a plate of strawberries and champagne.) Gabrielle:Carlos, what are you doing in my room? Carlos:Oh, hey, Gaby, you're home early. Gabrielle:God, Carlos! Strawberries and champagne? Did you really think you're gonna seduce me? Carlos:Never entered my mind. Gabrielle:Oh, right, right. You know, I may be living with you until the divorce is final, but it doesn't mean I have to put up with your cheesy come-ons. Carlos:Gaby, can I just say one thing? Gabrielle:What, you've been doing some thinking, and you realize that I'm your soul mate, and there's a vacancy in your heart only I can fill? Carlos:Gaby, listen Gabrielle:It's over between us. Just move on already. Forget me. (She walks into the bathroom and shrieks. Carlos follows her in and they both look at the naked woman whos taking a bubble bath.) Carlos:As I was trying to say, I have company over. This is Trishelle. Trishelle, this is...what was your name again? I seem to have forgotten. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's room] Susan:So the doctor said I should use as many things as I can to jog your memory. And not just pictures.He said I could use tastes and smells and sounds, so tonight is sounds of the seventies. Mike:Okay, uh... Susan:Well, you know, let me set the scene. Um, we were at this funky little fish joint that you'd been dying to take me to--Cappy's. Do you remember Cappy's? Okay, well, we were there, and, uh, we were just wolfing down the most delicious trout ever Mike:How long till the music part? Susan:Oh, it's coming. Um, and--and this 70's cover band, well, they started to play, and...that's how we got our song. (The music comes on and Susan starts singing along.) Susan:At the car wash, whoa, whoa Mike:Our song was "Car Wash"? Susan:Yeah! See how much fun we were? So I dragged you out onto the dance floor, and, well, you were giving me this look--sort of like the look you're giving me right now--and, um, I started to do this...and then you did this... Mike:I'm--look, I'm sorry, this--this isn't working. Susan:Oh, Mike. Come on, you're not even trying to remember! It was fun! Oh, I know. Okay, sing with me. Car wash, talkin' about the car wash. Whoo, car wash, yeah. Mike:You know, I'm really beat.
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Susan:Okay, Mike, I-I am not doing this to upset you. I'm doing this to help. Mike:I get that. Its just, the music is giving me a headache. Susan:Okay, well, I'll go, but I am not giving up on you. You know, you are going to remember the night that we danced to "Car Wash," and not just because it was fun, but because later that night, we did some things that, trust me, are worth remembering. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (The pathologist comes up to the detective while hes eating lunch.) Pathologist:That Jane Doe from the golf course... I think I missed something at the autopsy. Check it out. Detective:You always gotta come at lunch, don't you? Pathologist:Those blue marks on the back of her hand? First I thought they were veins. Now I think it's ink. Detective:You mean, like some kind of writing? Pathologist:Yeah. I need to run some more tests, see if I can get a clearer p_w_picpath. I could be wrong, but... Detective:But what? Pathologist:I think it's a phone number. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree, Orson, and Andrew are at the dining room table, eating.) Bree:The oddest thing happened at the club today. Tish Atherton (The sounds of breaking glass can be heard from another room.) Bree:Andrew, would you be a dear and make sure your sister's just breaking her own things? Anyway...hmm. Tish Atherton... (Upstairs, Andrew knocks on Danielles door.) Andrew: Danielle? (He walks into her bathroom and sees an open bottle of pills spilled out and Danielle has sliced her wrists open.) Andrew:Yeah, I'll tell 'em. (Downstairs, Bree is still talking to Orson.) Bree:I'm telling you, it was a deliberate snub. I waved to her, and she looked right through me. True, I never bought her eldest daughter a gift Andrew:Uh, Mom? Bree:Andrew, please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking.True, I never bought her eldest daughter a gift, but you know my policy: no husband, no baby gift. Now what is it, dear? Andrew:Well, um, Danielle's upstairs trying to commit suicide. There's no rush. She's not trying that hard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Waiting room] (Bree and Orson are standing up while Andrew slouches in a chair, playing a hand-held video game.) Bree:How can you sit there playing that ridiculous game?!Your sister tried to kill herself.That doesn't upset you? Andrew:She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. How upset do you want me to be? Doctor:Mrs. Hodge? Bree:Is my daughter all right? Doctor:She's a little groggy, but she'll be fine. The wounds are fairly superficial. Andrew:So's the patient. Doctor:We'll release her tonight, but you understand that in cases like this, counseling is mandatory.
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Bree:Of course. We'll get her all the help she needs. Doctor:She is resisting our efforts to pump her stomach. She says she only took three sedatives. Andrew:She's disoriented. Pump her. Bree:Andrew! (She pauses, then turns to the doctor.) Bree: Pump her. (The doctor leaves.) Bree:They're sticking a tube down her throat. Do you still think this is funny? Andrew:Mom, this was a half-assed bid for attention. Bree:This was a cry for help, and if we don't listen, the next time she could do something even more dangerous. Andrew:Yeah, next time she might jump off the porch. Orson:Stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of! Bree:Orson's right. We need to support each other as a family. In fact, I say we all go for counseling. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's house] (Lynette, Gabrielle, and Karen McCluskey are sitting around an outdoor patio table, chatting.) Karen:Tom actually said he's opening up a pizza parlor? Gabrielle: Lynette, you're not serious. Lynette:Mm-hmm. Karen:Well, might as well stand in a vat of tomato sauce and tear up $ 100 bills. Lynette:I know, but I said that I would support him and help him follow his dream. Karen:Well, he can't hold you to that, not if the dream is pizza. Gabrielle:She promised to stand by him, and once you make that commitment you have to see it through. Lynette:Yeah...how's that divorce going? Gabrielle:I'm done talking. (Lynette looks over to where her kids are climbing some trees.) Lynette:Hey, Parker, be careful up there.I just keep thinking he's gonna come to his senses and realize it's a bad idea. Karen:That's never gonna happen. Lynette: Why? Karen:Because men are genetically incapable of realizing that their dreams are stupid. Lynette:Care to elaborate, Dr. McCluskey? Karen:My husband sold insurance for 36 years, and one day, he woke up and decided he wanted to move to Paris and paint naked ladies.I told him,"Gilbert, you can barely paint the garage.What makes you think you can commit art?" And for the rest of his life, he despised me. Gabrielle:He despised you for saying no? Karen: Well, he also thought I was sleeping with his brother, and I'm sure that was mixed in there, too. (Nora comes out from inside the house.) Nora:Okay, so I got Kayla all unpacked. Lynette:Oh, great. So, uh, Tom will drop her off at your house on Friday. Nora:Sounds good. Lynette, can I talk to you for a second? Lynette:Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nora:Okay, pardon me for having really big ears, but I heard about Tom and this pizza place. Do you wanna know what I think? Lynette:No, not really.
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Nora:It sucks. It's a sucky idea, and your friends back there-- they're just too nice to come right out and say it. Luckily, I'm not your friend, so you can trust me. Nip it... in... the bud. Lynette:And make Tom resent me for the rest of his life. I don't think so. Nora:Well, you better do something, 'cause if you don't, you AND me will wind up working a pole to pay for braces. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Julie is standing on the sidewalk talking with a friend when Austin comes up to her holding freshly-ripped-from-the-ground flowers.) Austin:Hey, Julie. I bought you some flowers. Julie:Generally, when you buy flowers, they don't still have the roots on them. Austin:Okay, uh, I was hoping you could help me with my English Lit paper. Sarah:Hi, I'm Sarah. Austin:Hey. So what do you say? Julie:Actually, I'm sort of busy right now. Austin:Oh, come on. Look, aunt Edie's gonna give me the boot if I flunk out. Wouldn't you miss me? Julie:Oh, absolutely! Whose motorcycle would wake us all up at 1:00 in the morning? Sarah:You drive a motorcycle? Austin:Hmm. Please? Look, I could really use some help here. Julie:Normally, I charge twelve bucks an hour for tutoring, but seeing as it's you...fifteen. Austin:Great.See you Friday.Oh, and just so you know, I charge fifteen dollars an hour to make out, so I'll probably breakeven. Julie:Ugh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Susan walks past the nurses station, carrying a casserole dish.) Susan:Hi. You're new. Where's Marcy? Nurse:She's in Honolulu on vacation. Can I help you? Susan:Oh, I'm just going to see Mike Delfino. Nurse:What's that smell? Susan:Uh, that's my macaroni and cheese. I-I was hoping it would trigger Mike's memory. I made it the first time we met two years ago. Nurse:You should've refrigerated it. (Edie walks past them.) Susan:Edie? Nurse:Oh, you know Ms. Britt? Susan:Uh, yeah. What is she doing here? Nurse:Visiting Mr. Delfino. You know, she was with him when he came out of his coma. And she's been here every day since. (Susan walks up to Edie.) Susan:You! Edie:Hello, Susan. Long time no see. Susan:I've been wondering why Mike's been so cold to me. Now it all makes sense. Edie:I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Whew! For God's sakes, take a bath. Susan:Oh, that's my mac and cheese. Don't change the subject. What have you been telling him about me? Edie:Why would I say anything about you? Mike has no idea who you are. I envy him.
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Nurse: Ladies, is there a problem? Edie:I want this woman banned from the hospital. She's been like this ever since Mike dumped her. Imagine Fatal Attraction with a much older woman. Nurse:Ma'am, Mr. Delfino already has a visitor. I think you should go. Susan:Me? But why doesn't she leave? I-I'm the one who's been here every day for the last six months. Nurse:Well, I don't know you, but I do know his girlfriend. Susan:Girlfriend?! Okay, you know what? I want Marcy's number in Honolulu, and I want it right now. Nurse:You need to leave. Susan:What?! Nurse:You're disturbing the other patients. Susan:No, what are you-- Oh, this is ridiculous! I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward! Don't you want them to wake up?! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Therapists office] (Bree, Orson, Danielle, and Andrew sit in a therapists office during their session.) Bree:I didn't call you that. Danielle:Yes, you did! Bree:I have never in my life used the word retard. Danielle:It's what you think. You think I'm that immature moron who can't be trusted to decide what's best for her. Andrew:Well, you did try to off yourself. I don't think you get to pull the "I know what's best for me" card. Bree:Andrew! Not in front of the therapist. Therapist:Actually, I think we're making great progress.You feel Danielle refuses to see you're acting in her best interest. And you think your mother cares more about her p_w_picpath than your feelings. Bree: Danielle, how can you think I don't care about your feelings? Orson: Don't you know how much your mother loves you? Bree:When I saw you in that tub, it was the worst moment of my life.The thought of losing you is more than I can bear. Therapist:How does that make you feel? Danielle:Actually...kind of powerful. Bree: Powerful? Danielle:You really don't wanna lose me? Bree:Of course not. I already went through thinking I'd lost Andrew. I can't go through that again. Danielle:Well, then, here's what's going to happen.I'm going to start dating Robert again, and if you try to break us up or get him fired, then I'm going to leave, and you will never see me again. Bree: Danielle. Danielle:If that can survive on its own, so can I. You don't believe me? Call my bluff. See what happens. (Danielle leaves. Bree turns to the therapist.) Bree:So...what do we owe you for all this progress? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Julie's bedroom] Julie:Come on, Austin. Concentrate. Okay, why did Iago betray Othello? Austin:Uh...because the play would suck if he didn't? (He takes out a can of beer and drinks from it.) Julie:What do you think you're doing? Austin:Mmm. Sorry.
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Julie:No!No, no, no, no!No, no, we're here to work.And if my mom came home, she'd flip.Now put that away. (He chugs the whole thing, then puts the can aside.) Austin:Ahh. You said, put it away. Julie: Look, if--if you think I'm gonna sit here and write your paper for you while you're getting drunk Austin:No, just help me get it started, okay? This is hard for me, all right? I didn't read a lot of Shakespeare in juvie. I kind of majored in not getting stabbed. Julie:Ugh, fine. I'll write your intro, but--but then you're on your own. Austin:Thank you very much. Julie:So... why did they send you to juvie anyway? Austin:They didn't. My mom did. Julie:Why? Austin:She had this boyfriend-- no job, big drunk, real catch. One night, he pops her one, so I break a chair over his head, and, uh... and she calls the cops... on me. Julie:But you were protecting her. Austin:Yeah, that's what I thought. But the guy said he'd leave if she didn't press charges, and... well, my mom doesn't really like to be alone. Julie:You know what?You're tired.Um, why don't you lay down for a couple minutes, and I'll just do a page or two? Austin:You're a rock star, Mayer. (He goes over to her bed and lies down on it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Carlos comes down the stairs and sees Gabrielle in the dining room.) Gabrielle:Carlos. No Trishelle tonight? Carlos:Ah, no. About her. I have a confession to make. Gabrielle: Does her pimp want the rest of the money? You know, there is some cash in my purse. Carlos: Look, I know I crossed a line bringing her here, all right? But I was trying to make you jealous, like the way you made me feel when you said you slept with John Rowland again. Gabrielle:Well, I think it's more than that. I think you really hate me. Carlos:That's not true. Gabrielle:Oh, I think it is. You know, introducing your spouse to someone you're about to have sex with? There's only one reason to do that--pure hatred. Carlos:You don't know what you're talking about. Gabrielle:Oh, I think I do. Phil, come meet my basically ex-husband (Phil comes out of the kitchen and hands her a drink.) Gabrielle:Thank you. Carlos. Carlos, this is my new friend Phil Lopez. Carlos:We've met, Gaby. Gabrielle:Really? Well, that's weird. When? Carlos:Fairview Chamber of Commerce.The annual dinner. Gabrielle:Oh, my God! That's right! That's right! You were up for the Latino businessman of the year award that Phil won. Phil:Well, actually, I beat him out twice. Gabrielle:No! Ooh, I remember. Carlos was so annoyed. What did you say, hon? "He may have that trophy, but I've got you." Ain't life funny? Carlos:Gaby, can we talk for a sec? Gabrielle:Mnh-mnh, not right now. Phil and I are getting in the hot tub. Ooh, Phil, did you bring your suit?
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Phil:You said I didn't have to. Gabrielle:Not in front of Arlos-cay! Go upstairs. I'll meet you there. (Phil leaves.) Carlos: Phil Lopez? You brought home Phil Lopez?! I had no idea you hated me that much! Gabrielle:Well, now you know. Carlos:Aah! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Tom:Hey, good news. My realtor found me some sweet locations. Lynette:That's great. Hey, can we talk about this restaurant thing for a second? Tom:Yeah. What's up? Lynette:I don't know if you noticed,but when you first pitched the whole pizza concept...I was a wee bit skeptical. Tom:Yeah, I sensed that. Lynette:Of course you did, 'cause you're a smart guy, which is also why you are gonna jump on the idea I have to make the whole thing work. Tom:Okay, so you're not bailing on me? Lynette:No. No, no, no, I am totally on board. Tom:Oh, good! You had me scared there for a second. Okay, so, well, what is this great idea? Lynette:I'm thinking...catering company. Tom:Huh? Lynette:Start small, have an Italian theme,create some cash flow, and then later on,expand into the pizza thing. Tom:But that's not my dream. Lynette:Well, think about it. You're gonna do all these fun parties. People will start talking-- "Hey, this is great food. This guy should open a restaurant." "Yeah, yeah, I'd eat there," and then wham! Five short years later, you have a built-in customer base. Tom:But I said it's not my dream. Pizza is my dream. Lynette:I know, I know. Catering's how you get there. Tom:So why can't I just skip the catering and go straight to the pizza? Lynette:Because you'll fail! I'm sorry! God.I shouldn't have said that.But you're gambling with our life savings, and you have no experience. Tom:You said that you'd support me. Lynette:I'm trying to.I am trying to. But are you aware that 90% of restaurants tank in their first year? Tom:Which means that 10% of them make it! Why don't you ever think that I would be one of them? No! No, do me a favor. Don't answer that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:Yoo-hoo! Carlos! I'm making a snack for Phil.Do you want something to eat? Some sour grapes, perhaps? Maybe a little crow? Okay, we need to move this over there. Phil:Why? Gabrielle:Uh, Feng Shui. (Gabrielle starts jumping on the newly-moved bed and rattling the bed frame.) Gabrielle:Yes! Yes! Phil:Hey, don't start without me. Gabrielle:Oh, no, no, let's get something straight. You and I are not gonna have sex tonight.
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Phil:What? Gabrielle:I'm sorry.No offense,you're a nice guy.I'm just not into you that way.Oh,God,Phil! Yes,yes,give it to me! Phil:Okay. Oh, okay. Gabrielle:No, no, I'm not talking to you. Back off! Phil:What--but I thought-- I mean, you know, the hot tub, we were... Gabrielle:Yes, you saw my boobs, and you're gonna have that mental snapshot to use as you wish for the rest of your life, but that is all you're getting! Phil:Wait, wait, so you're just using me? You're unbelievable. Gabrielle:I'm what?! Phil:You are unbelievable! Gabrielle:Really? Oh, so are you, big boy! Yes! (Phil leaves and walks past Carlos, whos sitting on the porch.) Phil:No wonder you're divorcing her. She's a straight-up loon. Oh, crap. She's blocking my car! Gabrielle:Always happy to help a brother out. Hold on. (Carlos goes upstairs to where Gabrielle is still pretending to have sex with Phil.Shes sitting on the bed banging the headboard with one hand and turning the pages of a magazine with the other.) Gabrielle:Oh,God,yes!Oh,ride 'em,cowboy!Oh,yes,God!Take me home,Philly!You should wear a saddle!Yes! Yes! (Carlos taps her on the shoulder and she swats him away without turning around.) Gabrielle:Stop it, Phil. I told you to beat it. No means no! Carlos:I need your car keys. You're blocking the stallion's hatchback. [Later] Carlos:Oh, yes, yes, Phil! Fill me with Phil! Gabrielle:I never said that. Carlos:And you moved the bed. What were you thinking? Gabrielle:Shut up. Carlos:You know, if you were trying to hurt me, that's not the way to do it. Gabrielle:Well, then enlighten me. How can I hit you so hard that you will never recover? Carlos:You can't. Gabrielle:Oh,I have to,Carlos.I need you to give up on us.We're not good for each other,and I can't keep doing this. Carlos:But I can. You proved something tonight-- you had a rich, good-looking guy in your bed, and you couldn't pull the trigger. That means you still care, and as long as I know that, I can take anything that you can dish out. Gabrielle:You know what? I'm tired. Can we talk about this in the morning? Carlos:Sure. Gabrielle:But you're bringing me breakfast in bed or no deal. Carlos:It's a date. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Julie walks towards Sarahs car, which is parked on Wisteria Lane.) Julie:Sarah? What are you--oh! (Inside are Sarah and Austin, making out.) Sarah:Oh, Julie! Thank God it's you. We totally thought you were the cops. Austin:Oh, hey, Julie. What are you, on buzz kill patrol tonight?
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Julie:This is why you couldn't go to the movies with me? Sarah:Well, sorry, I thought you weren't that into him. But, you know, if you are Julie:I'm not! I'm just-- I'm mad that you blew me off. Sarah:Well, I would totally understand if you wanted to blow me off for a date. Julie:You call this a date-- getting mauled in a car? Austin:Hey, you wanna talk about this later? I'm losing altitude here. Julie:Ugh, you are disgusting! Enjoy the rest of your date. (She walks back to her house and sees Susan sitting at the kitchen table.) Susan:Julie, there you are. I think I found a way to get through to Mike. Julie: Let it go! He's not into you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Carlos:Gaby, rise and shine. I made you some waffles. (Carlos walks into Gabrielles bedroom carrying a tray with food on it. He stops when he sees that a man is sleeping next to her in the bed.) Gabrielle:I got a second wind last night, so I went to a bar. That's where I met Jason. We spent the whole night how did you put it? Pulling the trigger. So did I hurt you, or should I keep trying? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's room] Edie:You kicked ass in rehab today. Mike:Yeah, I raised my arm over my head. Sign me up for the Olympics. Edie:Oh, be patient. It takes time. Nurse:Ms. Britt? Edie:Hmm? Nurse: Phone call for you at the nurses' station. Edie:For me? Huh. I'll be right back. (She walks around the corner.) Edie:There's a phone call for me? (Susan sneaks into Mikes room.) Mike:Susan? What are you Susan:Shh! I thought you could use some fresh air. (As Susan wheels Mike outside, they pass by Edie still on the phone.) Edie:Hello? Hello? It's Edie. What the hell is this? (They reach the outside and Susan pushes Mikes wheelchair up to a waiting van.) Mike:Who's he? Susan:Oh, this is Hank, and he has very kindly offered to take us on a little field trip today for bucks an hour. Mike:Where are you taking me? Susan:Uh, just a little jaunt down Memory Lane. Mike:Oh, God, you're not taking me to that fish and disco place, are you? Susan:No, no.What we're doing today is a little more low-key. Don't worry. You're totally safe. We're not doing anything wrong. (Hospital employees come outside looking around for Mike.) Susan: Punch it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel room] (Bree knocks on a hotel room door and Mr. Faladi opens it.)
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Bree:Hello. Mr.Faladi: Look,Mrs.Hodge,uh,I've only seen your daughter once since the motel.She told me that you backed off. Bree:Oh, Mr. Faladi, I'm not here to threaten you. I've come to give you my blessing. Mr. Faladi:Your blessing? Bree:Yes, Danielle made it quite clear that I'm powerless to stop this relationship, and since she assures me that you love her. You do love her, don't you? Mr. Faladi:Uh, yes, of course. Bree:Good.Then we're all set.Here are some of her clothes.I'll bring her CDs and her stuffed animals over tomorrow. Mr. Faladi:You want her to stay here? This place is kind of small. Bree:Well, that hotel room was small, and you seemed happy enough there. Oh, and I trust you to be discreet. You wouldn't want your wife find out about this and use it against you in your divorce. Mr. Faladi:Whoa, whoa, Mrs. Hodge? Things are getting a little bit complicated. Could you please tell Danielle that this is not gonna work out and that we Bree:Mr. Faladi, if you want to break my daughter's heart, I can't stop you, but I will not be an accomplice. You'll tell her yourself. Mr. Faladi:Right. Bree:And don't even think about blaming me,'cause if you so much as mention that we spoke,I'll phone the police. Mr. Faladi:Fine, I will leave you out of it. Bree:Oh, and one more thing... Mr. Faladi:Yes? Bree: Danielle is applying to colleges. I do hope she can count on you for a glowing recommendation. Mr. Faladi:Sure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane ] (Susan is pushing Mike in his wheelchair down the street they live on.) Susan:And when I locked myself out of the house, that's where the bush was that you found me in. Naked. Surely you remember that. Mike:Nope. Susan:Ouch, that hurts.Um, okay, remember this spot?This is where we sat in your truck and had our first kiss. Mike:Were you naked then, too? Susan:Mike, why are you being this way? Mike:Because this is pointless. I, I'm sorry. I can't. I don't remember being with you. Susan:Okay,I know it's hard, but you gotta make an effort,and, you know, if your head is a little foggy, then don't look there. Look in your heart, because I'm in there, just like you're inside mine. Okay, um, this is Mary Alice's house, and this is where we first met. I was setting out my macaroni and cheese, and you were invited--Oh! Ow! (Susan trips over the curb. Mike smiles.) Susan:I'm good. Finally, a smile. Mike:You do that a lot, don't you? Susan:Well, yeah, I've been known to take a spill or two, but, you know, my doctor says it's an inner earwait, you remember that? Mike:Yeah, I think I do.
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Susan:Yes! That's progress! See? Oh, it's all gonna come back. We're gonna be us again! Mike:But what about the British guy? Susan:Mike, I don't know what Edie's been telling you, but Ian and I, we're just friends. Mike:Just friends? Susan:Yeah, now. Look, you gotta understand. The doctors were telling me that you would probably never wake up, and I just needed somebody to talk to.Mike:And that's what you were doing in the country, talking? (A hospital van pulls up and a nurse and Edie get out. ) Nurse:Mr. Delfino? Are you okay? Mike:I'm fine. Nurse:You can't just discharge a patient without permission! Susan:Oh, but you--I was just trying to help him remember.Tell her, Mike.We were-- we were making progress. Mike:Take me back to the hospital. Susan:Oh, uh, Mike! (Mike is wheeled back into the van and Edie comes over to Susan.) Edie:Well, at the risk of stating the obvious, it's over. He's mine now. Susan: No, no, no, no! No, no, this--this is not how this ends. No, evil does not triumph over good. Edie:That's how you see me? Susan: Damn straight! You lie, you cheat, you scheme! You ruin people's relationships! I mean, how do you sleep at night? Edie:Soon with Mike on top of me, if you know what I mean. Susan:See? Evil! Evil! Edie:Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Mike and I are meant to end up together? Susan:No! You--you--Mike? You don't even want him! You're just doing this to hurt me. Edie:Wow. How self-absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here, and I even backed off when he fell for your little Miss Adorable act. But he's over that. It's my turn now, and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt, well, that's just gravy. All right, maybe that was a little evil. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police station] Detective:Finally. Pathologist:Sorry it took so long. That last digit was barely legible. I thought you'd like to do the honors. (The detective dials the number and a machine picks up.) Mikes Voice:You've reached Mike Delfino plumbing. Please leave a message after the beep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's porch Nighttime] (Julie is sitting on the porch, typing on her laptop. Austin comes up and tosses a paper with a big D- written on it.) Julie:Whoa, a D-minus. That blows. Austin:Yeah, it does, especially since it's not the one we did together. You e-mailed me the wrong paper. Julie:You didn't even read it before you turned it in? Austin:I didn't think I had to! The one you wrote that night was great. Julie:Well, after you left, I decided I really should put it in your words. Austin:Is this some weird chick thing you did 'cause you're into me? Julie:Oh, please. Austin:No, no. No, it is.You're, uh, pissed 'cause I hooked up with your friend.
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Julie:No, I'm pissed because you told me some sob story so I'd write your paper for you.Now you owe me fifteen bucks. Austin:You know what? Here. Oh, and, uh, I did learn something. Iago betrayed Othello because he was jealous. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree and Orson are in the kitchen when Danielle walks in.) Bree:Oh, Danielle, I thought you'd be with Mr. Faladi tonight. Danielle:Oh, you'll be happy to know he dumped me. Bree:He dumped you? Danielle:Said it was getting too messy, that I was gonna complicate his divorce. Don't pretend you're sorry. Bree:I don't plan to. Well, I hope this doesn't make history class too awkward. Danielle:Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I went to the principal and got his ass fired, and then when he called to yell at me for squealing on him, I recorded the call and sent a tape of it to his wife. Thanks to me, he'll be getting nothing in this divorce. (She leaves.) Orson:Well, I must say that was rather underhanded. Bree:Yes. I wonder where she gets it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom is saying goodbye to Kayla.) Kayla:Bye, Daddy. Tom:Bye, my chipmunk. I'll see you guys next Friday, okay? Nora:Kayla said that you're opening a pizza place. Tom:Well, maybe. I mean, it's not a done deal yet. Nora:Ah, Lynette put the kibosh on it, huh? Tom:What makes you say that? Nora:Well, you know Lynette. Tom:Well,she's probably right.I mean,there's a bunch of dumb schmucks out there trying to open a restaurant, so... Nora:You know, Tom, I've tasted your pizza, and I have to be perfectly honest with you. It was like I died and went to Italy. Tom:Really? Nora:Oh, my God. You are born to do this, and I just hate to see you give it up, because, well... man, this is none of my business, but Lynette does... bully you sometimes. Tom:Well, she doesn't mean to. Nora:Then don't let her! You go to the mat on this one. She will respect you a lot more if you grow a pair. I'm not trying to insult you. All I'm saying is that I know what you're capable of, and I believe in you. Tom:I really needed to hear that. Thanks. Mary Alice Voiceover:Sabotage. Everyone is capable of it, but some go about it more ruthlessly than others. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover: Like the ones who crave vengeance... (Danielle lies in bed, smiling.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's Room]
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Mary Alice Voiceover:...or the ones who hunger for love... (Edie kisses Mike on the forehead.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:...or the ones who are determined to burn bridges. (Gabrielle lies in bed, awake, with Jason asleep beside her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nora's Apartment] (Nora tucks Kayla into bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And then there are those who simply want something.... Kayla:I wish daddy lived here so he could tuck me in, too. Mary Alice Voiceover:...something that belongs to someone else. Nora:I'm working on it, piglet. (She kisses Kayla's hand.) Nora:Momma's working on it. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X06: Sweetheart, I Have To Confess -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle got even... Gabrielle:So did I hurt you, or should I keep trying? Mary Alice Voiceover:Tom got an idea... Tom:I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor! Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree got a warning... Carolyn:He's a cold-blooded killer. Mary Alice Voiceover:The police got a clue... Pathologist:Those blue marks,I think it's a phone number. Phone machine:You've reached Mike Delfino. Susan:This should never have happened! Mary Alice Voiceover:And the battle for Mike's affection got ugly. Susan:How do you sleep at night? Edie:Soon, with Mike on top of me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:It is often said that confession is good for the soul. No one knew this better than a certain blonde who had been confessing her sins to Father O'Malley once a week since she was a child. As the years had passed, much to Father O'Malley's dismay,a theme began to emerge... (Flashback. Edie is in the confessional.) Edie:I seduced the cable guy again. (Flashback. Edie is in the confessional.) Edie:I'm having an affair with a folk singing duo. (Flashback. Edie is in the confessional.)
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Edie: Last week, I let Rabbi Lipman get to third base. Mary Alice Voiceover:And once she had been forgiven, Father O'Malley would tell Edie Britt to go out into the world and sin no more.Unfortunately for Edie, temptation seemed to be Edie:Hello, there. Mary Alice Voiceover:...everywhere. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's room] Mike:Edie, what were we like together, before the accident? Edie:What do you mean? Mike:You know, were we close? Edie:Honestly? We lived about 50 feet from each other, and you barely knew that I existed. Mike:Seriously? Edie:Mm-hmm. It's true. I mean, you weren't rude or anything. We'd wave or exchange hellos as we went to get our mail, but you never really looked at me. Not really. I, I was just another neighbor to you. Mike:But if we weren't friends, why are you here every day helping me? Edie:Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I sort of fell in love with you. Mike:Oh. Edie:Yeah. And I'm not telling you this because I expect anything, so you can just relax, okay? Mike:Okay. Edie:But when you do come back home, and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail, Id really appreciate it if you'd just look at me. That's all. Mike:I'm looking at you now. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, it's often said confession is good for the soul. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Confession Room] Edie:Mike Delfino and I made out today, and it was great! Mary Alice Voiceover:But some confessions are just bragging in disguise. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:There was nothing Bree Hodge hated more than an unexpected knock at the door. She was always certain it would lead to a disagreeable surprise, whether it be in the form of a cosmetics saleswoman, religious zealots, or extended family. But on this day, the surprise awaiting Bree was far more disagreeable than she ever could have imagined. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Theres a knock on the door and Bree answers it to reveal Carolyn Bigsby standing there.) Carolyn:Hello, Bree. Bree:Carolyn. This isn't a very good time. I'm baking. (A man comes out from behind Carolyn, stepping into view.) Harvey:Bree? Uh, hi. We haven't met. I'm Harvey Bigsby, and I brought my wife here to apologize. Bree:It's a souffl. And timing is everything. Harvey:Oh, please,please, um...She's been under a great deal of stress since Alma's disappearance,and--and she really hasn't been herself.Much of that was due to the Mexican painkillers that she was purchasing online,but I put a stop to that. Bree:Well, Orson tells me that the two of you were very close, and out of respect for that friendship, I'm all
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ears. Carolyn:After thinking it over, I realized that maybe I WAS out of line (Harvey coughs.) Carolyn:I was definitely out of line with the terrible accusations that I made. I'm deeply sorry for the pain that I caused. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Bree:Well, I can appreciate how difficult that must have been for you. Apology accepted. Harvey:I'm so relieved. (Orson comes to the door.) Orson:As am I. Well, you don't know how rusty my golf game's gotten without this one keeping me on my toes. Well, perhaps we can all get together for dinner at the club sometime. Bree:That sounds lovely. Carolyn:Great. (They close the door.) Orson: Darling, you are amazing, you know that? To rise above all that unpleasantness with such dignity. Bree:Well, thank you, darling. But if you think for one second that I'm gonna break bread with that malicious, pill-popping shrew, you're out of your mind. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan comes around the front of her house and sees Ian knocking her front door. She drops behind her car to hide and Mrs. McCluskey, whos walking by, stops to look at Susan. Susan puts her finger to her mouth to signify silence.) Mrs. McCluskey:Hey, Susan! Whatcha doing? Susan:I just dropped my trowel. Thanks. Mrs. McCluskey:All righty then, you have a nice day. Bye-bye. (Mrs. McCluskey laughs and walks away. Ian comes towards Susan.) Ian: Susan? Susan:Ian! What a surprise. Ian:Were you, um, were you hiding from me? Susan:Uh, a little. I... Just, the last time we saw each other, it was so awkward and complicated. Ian:Water under the bridge. And besides, this is strictly business.I'm throwing a party for an editor friend in from London, and I thought you two should meet. You could bring a date if you want.Speaking of which, uh, how are things with Mike? Susan:Oh, uh, they're moving along. It's a process. Ian:And the, uh, blonde woman who's been visiting him every day--is she part of the process? Susan:Uh, Edie? Oh, she's just a neighbor. She visits Mike after her Hepatitis C treatments. Ian:Oh. Well, I, I do hope you can come to the party so you can meet my editor friend. Susan:I just--I just don't think that's a good idea. Ian:Right. Well, at least I, uh, I got to see you. Susan:You have... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lawyer Conference Room] (Gabrielle and Carlos sit with their lawyers, Kenny and Myron, who sit respectively around a conference room.) Kenny:This is ludicrous-- the Biedermeier armoire. Myron:It's my understanding that your client doesn't even like antiques. Kenny:Totally immaterial. It's a valuable asset.
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Myron:Fine. Let's discuss the Kosta Boda vase. Kenny:Nope, it's a premarital acquisition. We can verify that with receipts. Myron:It was a gift to Mr. Solis. Kenny:Maybe you were sick that day at law school, Myron, but it's called "community" property. Myron: Don't patronize me, Kenny. We're prepared to go to the MATN on this one. Carlos:Oh, enough. Just give her what she wants. Look, Im sick of fighting. It's just stuff. Myron:Uh, Id like a moment alone with my client. Carlos:This has been going on for months. I'm done. Draw up the papers. I'll sign whatever. Gabrielle:You're giving me everything I want? Just like that? Carlos:Just like that. Myron:We expect to see the paperwork by the end of business. (Myron and Carlos leave.) Kenny:How sweet is that? We nailed their asses. Mrs. Solis, they completely folded. Gabrielle:That's the thing.Carlos doesn't fold. That son of a bitch is up to something. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Abandoned building] (Tom and Lynette enter an old, dusty building.) Tom:Before you come in, cover your eyes. Lynette:Tom, I Tom: Do it! Okay, now when I say open, don't look with your eyes. Look with your imagination. Lynette:Okay. Tom:Okay. Open. Lynette:Oh, dear god. Tom: Damn it, you looked with your eyes! Lynette:It's a dump! What are you thinking? Tom:Oh, Ill grant you it's a fixer-upper. Lynette:It's a burner-downer. Tom:Come on, honey, go with me. We can put in booths with checkered tablecloths, a jukebox, a big-screen to watch sports on. How can you not see the potential in this place? Lynette:Well, I just don't. Tom, you know how I feel about this pizza thing. Tom:Well, hopefully, it'll grow on you. Lynette: Don't tell me. You didn't sign a lease. Tom:There's gonna be a dartboard! Lynette:Tom! No. Tom:There were multiple offers. I had to move fast. Lynette:You leased a building without telling me? Tom:Well, maybe I didn't tell you because I knew you'd try and talk me out of the best opportunity in my life. Lynette:Okay.Okay, here's what we're going to do. You said there were multiple offers, so we can sublease. Now let's get the hell out of here. Tom:You said you'd support my dream. Lynette:My mistake. I assumed you'd have a dream worth supporting. Tom:I'm gonna stay here tonight. Lynette:Fine. (Lynette grabs the door handle, which falls off in her hand. She turns to look at Tom, then leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Country Club]
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(Bree and Rebecca sit at a table having lunch.) Bree:Two lemonades for the victors. Rebecca:You keep playing like this, Bree, and we are a cinch for the finals. (Tish walks by.) Bree:Hello, Tish. Tish:Hello, Rebecca. Bree: Did you see that? She just deliberately snubbed me. Rebecca:Maybe she didn't notice you. Bree:Rebecca, I just spoke to her. And call me paranoid, but Amy Griswold did the same thing to me on the golf course last week. What is going on? Rebecca:You really don't know? Bree:No! I have no idea. What? Rebecca:Tish is very good friends with Carolyn Bigsby. Bree:Carolyn knows Tish? Rebecca:She knows everyone. Anyway, Tish won't talk to you because you married Orson, even after Carolyn told you that he killed his wife. Bree:That is ridiculous.Orson did not kill alma.And besides,Carolyn just apologized to me for that yesterday. Rebecca:Well, maybe that hasn't gotten back to Tish. Bree:Oh, you don't believe any of that nonsense, do you? Do you? Rebecca:Bree, you're the best doubles partner Ive ever had. Can we talk about this after the tournament? (Later, Bree walks up to the Maitred.) Bree:Hello.I'd like to make a reservation for this evening under the names Hodge and Bigsby, and, um, we'll be needing a table in the center of the room. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Lynette and her kids sit at the kitchen table, eating a dinner of take-out pizza.) Twin:How long will daddy be gone? Lynette:Well, that sort of depends on daddy. Twin:Are you two mad at each other? Lynette:Yeah. A little.But that's okay.That's okay.We still love each other very much.But just like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out. Twin:Why can't he take a time-out in his room? Lynette:'Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.Not this pizza place.It's a rat hole.But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home. Twin:What's petulant? Lynette:It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your futures. Twin: Huh? Lynette:It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, you'll learn a new one: grovel. (Kayla, who was upstairs, comes down the stairs and overhears the conversation. She goes into another room and calls her mother.) Kayla:They got in a really big fight. Daddy's sleeping at the restaurant. Nora:No, no, it's good that you told me, sweet pea.You keep those little ears open, okay? Kayla:Okay. Bye, mom. Nora:Bye. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle:'s house]
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(Carlos comes in the house after working out and sees Gabrielle going through the mail. Theres a manila envelope addressed to Carlos.) Carlos:Oh, hey, that's for me. I'll take that. Gabrielle:Okay. Carlos:Well, Im beat. I'm gonna take a nap. Gabrielle:Uh, hold it. You're a sweaty mess. Carlos:So? I was working out. Gabrielle:So you're not laying on anything in this house until you take a shower. Carlos:Fair enough. It's all yours now, right? (Later, Carlos is on the phone with his lawyer while locking the contents from the envelope into a drawer.) Carlos:I don't know, Myron. It's a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo. Just read it and call me back. Crap! (He locks the drawer and puts the key in his pocket.) (Later, hes in the shower and Gabrielle sneaks into the bedroom to remove the key from his shorts. She goes downstairs and takes the contents from the Manila envelope and faxes them.) (When she goes back upstairs, Carlos has started getting dressed, putting on the shorts again.) Carlos:What? Gabrielle:Uh, why did you put those shorts back on? Carlos:Why do you care? Gabrielle:Uh, it's just that they're filthy, and I was gonna wash 'em for you. Carlos:You wanna wash my shorts? Gabrielle:I don't want to, but if you wear them one more time, they're gonna ask me themselves. (Carlos chuckles, then hands the shorts to Gabrielle. She turns away and slips the key back into the pocket.) Carlos:Wait a minute. I forgot something in the pocket. (He takes out the key and hands the shorts back.) Carlos:No bleach. Gabrielle:Got it. (Later, Gabrielle is on the phone with her lawyer.) Gabrielle:So it's a job contract? Myron:Yeah, Welch and Simon are offering him two million over three years, plus stock options. Gabrielle:Well, that's fantastic! I get half, right? Myron:Well, no. If you're legally divorced when he signs the contract, then you don't see a dime. Gabrielle:That conniving, underhanded snake! Thank god I broke into his desk. Myron:At least now we know why he was so quick to fold on your settlement. Gabrielle:All right, well, let's just say something happened to postpone the divorce.I would still get my share of that two million, right? Myron:Well, in theory, but, how would you manage that? Gabrielle:I know how Carlos thinks. More importantly, what he thinks with. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Susan walks past the nurses station.) Nurse #1:Was that Susan Mayer? Nurse #2:Yeah. Why? Nurse #1:Mr. Delfino asked not to be disturbed. (Susan goes into Mikes room.) Susan:Mike? It's me. Are you decent? (She pulls back the curtain surrounding Mikes bed to find a barely-dressed Edie straddling Mike.)
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Edie:Hey, Susan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's porch] (Lynette is sitting on her porch, drinking when Susan walks by.) Lynette:Hey, you. Susan:Whatcha doing? Lynette:I suckered McCluskey into taking the kids for a while so I could kick back and catch up with my old friend margarita. You care to join us? Susan:Believe me, I would love to, but, um, I gotta, I gotta get dinner started for Julie. Lynette:Okay. Susan:Oh, you know, what the hell? She's sixteen.If she hasn't figured out how to feed herself by now, Ive failed. (Later, Susan and Lynette are both drunk.) Susan:Ahh. That's nice. So where were we? Lynette:You were trying to figure out how to kill Edie without doing time. Susan:Oh, right. Oh, I wish Paul young was still around. He'd know what to do. (Gabrielle jogs by.) Lynette:Fine, Gaby! Don't say hi! Gabrielle:Hey! Cocktails? Nobody called me? Susan:It was spur-of-the-moment. Lynette:We're numbing the pain of our miserable lives. Gabrielle:Oh. Well, I was trying to do that with exercise,but why risk a heart attack? Make mine a double! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (The detective is visiting with Mike, showing him the picture of the dead woman found at the country club.) Mike:I don't recognize her. Who is she? Detective:That's what we're trying to figure out. Your phone number was written on her hand. Mike:I'm sorry. I can't help you. Edie:He's had a bit of memory loss. Mike: After , things are fuzzy. Detective:No memory, huh?That's convenient.Well thank you for your time, Mr.Delfino.You killed a cop once,didn't you? Mike:That was self-defense. Detective:Hope it wasn't just beginner's luck. Mike:You wanna charge me with something, go ahead. Otherwise, get the hell out of my room. Detective:Were you always this angry, Mr. Delfino, or can't you remember? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Toms Pizza place] (Nora walks in with bags of food and wine bottles.) Nora:So, do you sell by the slice, or do I gotta buy a whole pie? Tom:What are you doing here? Nora:I knew how hard you were working, so I figured Id bring you a little something to eatand drink. (Later, Tom and Nora have nearly finished the bottle of wine.) Tom:You know, I can't pronounce this wine, which means it's either really expensive or I have had too much. Nora:I can't believe that Lynette doesn't just love this place. And if you ask me, she's just a negative Nellie. Tom:She's just being realistic. I mean, the restaurant business is brutal. It's
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Nora:Tom. Listen to me, okay, 'cause Im a very intuitive person, and you have a real aura of success about you. Tom:Come on. Nora:I'm serious. I believe in you, Tom Scavo. Tom:Thank you. Nora:Okay. (Nora leans over and kisses Tom.) Tom:Wait, wait, what, what--what just happened? Nora:We kissed. Tom:No, you kissed me. Nora:No, no, no, you wanted me to. Tom: No, no, no, no ,no, I didn't. Nora:Really? 'Cause this is you. My wife doesn't get me. Hey, let's have some more wine...alone, in a deserted building. Tom:I was just looking to vent. I wasn't looking for anything more. Nora:Okay, but when opportunity knocks Tom: Nora, please! I love my wife! Nora:Really? You mean, the one who thinks that you're a loser? Tom:No,the one that loves me enough to keep me from screwing up,and I think it's about time I got back home to her. Nora:You led me on. You shouldn't have done that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's porch] (Gabrielle, Lynette, and Susan are all drunk.) Gabrielle:Im just gonna say it. Tequila makes me happy. (An older couple walks by and stares at the three of them.) Gabrielle:Yeah, we're drinking on the porch. You got a problem with that? Lynette:Oh, I know them. They live on Cypress. They just celebrated their fifty-third wedding anniversary. Gabrielle:Show-offs. Susan: Don't worry. It won't last. You're just fooling yourselves! Gabrielle:What do you think their secret is? Lynette:I'll take a wild guess. The man never opened a pizza place. Susan:Oh, I just thought of something. I'm never gonna celebrate a fifty-third wedding anniversary. I'd have to live into my nineties. Oh, my god. I'm gonna die. Lynette:Bite on this. (She hands Susan a wedge of lime.) Susan: Ah. Gabrielle:Can I tell you guys something? Something I can only tell you guys? Lynette:Oh, god, here she goes again. What grade is he in? Gabrielle:Not what I was gonna say.What I was gonna say is with all his conniving and trickery I still love Carlos. Lynette:Yeah, he's hot. Gabrielle:Anyway, what if I never find that passion with anybody else? Lynette:Well, maybe you should try to patch things up with him. Gabrielle:Nah, I already paid a lawyer. I'm taking him down. Lynette:I brought this on myself. I tell Tom, I want you to be your own man. But the truth is, I don't. I want him
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to have what he wants if it's what I want. I'm a bitch with a capital C. Gabrielle: No! No, you're not! You're a great wife and a great mother. Although... Don't you have children? Susan:I had passion with Mike. And drama. Lots of drama. Love isn't supposed to be that hard. Gabrielle:Oh! Oh, sweetie! Susan:But, you know, with Ian, everything was always easy. You know, that's the kind of guy I could see myself living into my nineties with. Gabrielle:So go to Ian! Tell him you made the wrong choice, and he's the one you wanna be with. What have you got to lose? (A cab pulls up to the curb in front of Lynettes house.) Man:Excuse me, ladies? Lynette:Look, Susan, god called you a cab. Man:I'm looking for, uh, Ida Greenberg? (Susan stands up.) Susan:I'm Ida Greenberg! Lynette:Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are! Gabrielle:See you later! Lynette:Go, Ida! Gabrielle:Go, Ida! Lynette and Gabrielle:Whoo-hoo! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's house] Ian:Susan. You came. Susan:Of course I came. Oh! Oh, I just love your house. It always smells like you. Oh, my gosh! What, is the thing, is that tonight? Ian:Well, yes. Isn't that why you're here? Susan:No! No, no! Actually, I just, I just had something to tell you. Ian:Well, of course. Ah, Doug, see if you can find Judith for me. Thank you. Well, as long as you're here, I want you to meet that editor I was telling you about. Susan:Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, 'cause I, I didn't really bring my A game. Is it hot? Ian:Are you sloshed? Susan! (A man comes over.) Man:Oh, is this THE Susan you've been telling us all about? Ian:Yes, this is she. Could you, um, give us a moment? Man:Oh, of course. Ian:Um...What's going on? Susan:Nothing. I just had a few drinks with my girlfriends, and thank god, because it gave me the courage to come over here and tell you really in my heart. Ian:Um, go on. Susan:But first, I think I should use the powder room. Ian:Uh, oh--oh, of course. It's, um, it's over there. Man:She seems nice, Ian. Ian:Oh, yes, she's, um, she's absolutely delightful. (The sounds of vomiting come from the bathroom. Susan exits, calling back over her shoulder.) Susan:Oh, Im so sorry that you had to see that. (A woman comes out of the bathroom behind Susan.) Ian:I see you've met Judith.
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Susan:Oh! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Country Club] (Bree, Orson, Carolyn, and Harvey are having dinner at the country club.) Harvey:So with a hundred bucks riding on it, the pressure's on me now. I reach into my bag, I grab my iron and bada bing... Hole in one. And there's been no living with him ever since. Carolyn: Did I not tell you how hilarious these two are together? Bree:Oh, they are a regular barrel of--Tish! (Tish stops on her way past the table.) Tish:Why, hello, Bree. Carolyn. Bree:Oh! Do you two know each other? Well, that saves me an introduction.Uh, Tish, you know, I was wondering if you need any help with the Christmas gala. Last year, I was on the decorating committee Tish:Oh, my god, I forgot to call you. What an idiot! We'll talk first thing tomorrow. Bree:That would be lovely. Thanks. Tish: Nice to see you. Bree:Nice to be seen. Carolyn:Well, I need to powder my nose. Care to join me? Bree:Oh, Id love to. (Carolyn and Bree go into the bathroom.) Bree:I'm so happy we did this. Carolyn:Yes, me, too. It's been a delightful evening. So, so fun. (Carolyn turns to the attendant in the bathroom and hands her the empty tissue box.) Carolyn:Could you get us some extra tissues? Thank you. You know, I realized something just the other day. You've never seen a picture of Alma, have you? Bree:No. Why? Carolyn:Granted, it's not her best look. (She hands over pictures of Alma with her face all bruised and swollen.) Bree:What is all this? Carolyn:That's the police report that Alma filed after Orson hit her.It's all in there--the bruises, contusions, broken wrist. Bree:This is not possible. Carolyn: Photos don't lie, Bree. Bree:Is this why you apologized? Carolyn:Yes. I wanted you to spend time with me so you can see Im not some crazy nut out to get you. I'm sorry, but if something like that happened again, I could never forgive myself. (The attendant comes into the bathroom and hands the tissues back to Carolyn.) Carolyn:Thank you. I had a feeling you might need these. (At the table, Harvey and Orson talk.) Harvey:Bring me another one. Orson:Hey, buddy...you wanna slow down a little bit, huh? Harvey? Harvey: Look, Im going through something, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about it. I had an affair. Orson:Uh, does Carolyn know? Harvey:No, she has no idea. I met this girl on a flight from Paris, and--and we just, mmm, connected. No, I know it sounds crazy, but it was love at first sight. Orson:Well, are you still seeing her? Harvey:No, that's the thing. A few months ago, she stopped returning my calls, and then I went by her place
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and Ive looked for her everywhere, and she's just disappeared. No, I--Ill tell ya, now I know what you went through with Alma. It's brutal. Harvey:It gets better. Trust me. Orson:I-I just can't get past it. I-Im...I can't get Monique out of my mind. Harvey:Monique? Orson:That's her name. Harvey:Monique Polier. Isn't she beautiful? (He shows Orson a picture of Monique.) Orson:She's very pretty. They're back. Harvey:Wow. You two girls were gone a long time. Everything okay? Carolyn:Mm-hmm, absolutely. Harvey:So, who wants dessert? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom comes home.) Tom: Hey. Lynette:Hey. Tom:What have you been up to? Lynette:Oh, just a quiet night with the girls. Tom: Listen, something happened tonight, and it got me thinking, and you mean more to me than any restaurant ever could. Lynette:Oh, stop right there. I am the one who should apologize. I have been a BAD wife. Tom:No, no, no, no, no! You were just trying to keep me from doing something reckless. Lynette:Yeah, well, any wife can support a husband who never takes risks, and I don't want that kind of husband, and Ill be damned if Im gonna be that kind of wife. So you open your pizza place, and we will find a way to make it work. Tom:You don't know how much it means to me to hear that. God, I love you. Ooh! Lynette:Mmm. So what happened tonight? Tom:Okay, but don't react until Ive told you the whole story. And remember, it's actually a good thing, because it brought us back together. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nora's apartment] (The front door crashes in as Lynette kicks her way into the apartment.) Lynette: Ding-dong. Nora:I don't know what Tom told you, but he came on to ME. Lynette:Im sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Why don't you just come on over here and say that to me again? Nora:Stay away from me. Lynette:I have been trying to stay away from you (Kayla comes into the room.) Kayla:Mom? Lynette:Everything's all right, so you can just go back into your room and play. Nora:Kayla! Don't move. Lynette:Okay. Never mind. Im leaving. First, Im just gonna give your mom a hug. (Lynette pulls Nora into an embrace and whispers into her ear.) Lynette:Your association with my family is over. When Kayla comes to visit, you will drop her at the end of the block. You will never again see my husband, and if you try to, I will do to your spine what I just did to your front
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door. Nod if you understand. (Nora nods and Lynette pats her back. She turns to Kayla.) Lynette:And you, Im gonna see you on Saturday, right? Don't forget your swimsuit. (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Ian is sitting at the kitchen table when Susan walks downstairs.) Ian:Good morning! You're looking bright-eyed and bushy. Susan:Oh. Did you stay here all night? Ian:Well,I slept on the sofa.When I brought you home,you were still,as you Americans say,tossing your tacos. Susan: Please, keep the food references to a minimum. (He hands her a cup of coffee.) Susan:Bless you. Mmm. So what else happened? Ian:You don't remember? Well, Ill tell you what. Ill repeat what you said last night, and you say whether it was you or the booze talking. Are you ready? Susan: Mm. Ian:You said you missed me. Susan or booze? Susan:Susan. Ian:You said it was a mistake breaking up with me and that you wanted to start again. Susan or booze? Susan:Susan. Ian:Then you said that you wanted to dress me up like a schoolboy and spank my naughty bottom.Susan or booze? Susan:Oh, I didn't say that. Ian:Yeah, all right then, but if you had, um, Susan or booze? Susan:A little of both, so, Boozan. (They both laugh.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (The detectives phone rings.) Detective: Detective Ridley. Mans Voice:Your Jane Doe in the morgue is named Monique Polier. Detective:Who's this? Mans Voice:Just before she died, she was having an affair with a man named Harvey Bigsby. You got that? Detective:Yeah. Uh, can I get your name? I'll need to bring you in for a statement. (The man hangs up and is revealed to be Orson, calling from a pay phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle:'s house] (Carlos is downstairs watching TV when Gabrielle calls to him from upstairs.) Gabrielle:Carlos, could you come help me? Carlos:I'm watching the game. Gabrielle:It'll just take a second. Please? (Carlos walks into Gabrielles room.) Carlos:What, Gaby? (He sees shes wearing a skimpy black dress.) Carlos:You look nice. Gabrielle:Oh,thanks.Im gonna go meet some new friends for dinner.But my zipper's stuck.Can you help me?
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Carlos:Man, this is really stuck. It's like somebody put superglue on it or something. Gabrielle:Huh. Weird. Well, you know what? I don't wanna be late, so I should, um, probably change. (She shimmies out of the dress, and stands before Carlos wearing only lingerie.) Carlos:Wow. Gabrielle:Oh, Carlos, this old thing? You've seen it all before. I'm just gonna wear the little blue number. Will you hand me those stockings? Oh, Ive got a raggedy nail. You're gonna have to help me put those on. Carlos:Are you sure about that? Gabrielle:Well, Id do it myself, but I don't wanna get a snag. Carlos:It's been a long time. Gabrielle:Really? It seems like yesterday to me. Carlos:You want me to help you hook that? Gabrielle:Sure. Why not? For old time's sake. Carlos:What about your new friends? Gabrielle:I've decided Id rather catch up with an old one. (They begin making out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Carolyns house] (Harvey is outside his house when Detective Ridley drives up.) Detective:Mr. Bigsby, Detective Ridley, Homicide. I understand you know her. Harvey:Uh, all right, yes, we were sleeping together. Can we do this somewhere else? Detective:Sure. (Carolyn watches them through a window from inside her house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:Carlos, do you think we're making a mistake? Carlos:What do you mean? Gabrielle:The whole divorce thing. Maybe we shouldn't go through with it. It's not like we're gonna find this kind of passion with anyone else. Carlos:Are you saying you wanna stay together? Gabrielle:Yeah.Yeah,I guess I am.Why don't we just put all of this behind us and stay together?What do you say? Carlos:Oh, baby, if you knew how long I waited to hear you say that... (He begins to laugh.) Gabrielle:Well, what? What's so funny? Carlos:Oh, man. I thought Id be able to get through this without cracking up, but you are just too funny. There's a little something that I need to own up to. I know that the only reason you slept with me was because I got a new job. Gabrielle:You got a new job? Honey, that's wonderful! Carlos:Gaby, please. You were a model, not a model-actress. There is no job. The contracts in my desk were fake. I mailed them to myself. Gabrielle:What?! Why would you do that? Carlos:Well, let's see... (He leers at her and she gasps.) Gabrielle:You did this just to get me in bed? Carlos:No, I did it because I knew you'd smell money and come crawling back. Then I could turn you down and walk out on my own terms.
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Gabrielle:YOUR terms? Carlos:You don't get to screw around on me, take my money and then walk away without a scratch. I want you hurtin', baby, and judging by the look on your face when you saw two million imaginary dollars disappear, I succeeded. Gabrielle:You are a bastard! Carlos:Better a bastard than a whore. (By now theyre both out of bed and she pushes him. He breaks through the window and lands on the front lawn, two stories below them.) Gabrielle:Oh, god! (She picks up the phone and dials a number.) Gabrielle:Oh! Hello? Uh, there's been an accident. My husband--he... (She looks out the window and sees that Carlos has disappeared.) Gabrielle:Im gonna have to call you back. (The front door slams.Gabrielle rushes downstairs and sees Carlos, furious, walking inside, broken glass stuck to his body.) Gabrielle:Carlos? Honey? Carlos? Carlos:Oh, yeah. It's on. (He limps out of the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Church] Mary Alice Voiceover:There is a place in St. Timothy's church where sinners go to confess their sins and once they're done, they expect absolution. (A woman leaves the confessional.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Nora's Apartment] Mary Alice Voiceover:But the truth is, not all confessions are worthy of such forgiveness. Most who unveil hidden agendas deserve the condemnation they receive. (Nora, wearing a towel, sits behind her couch.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:Most who disclose vengeful motives merit the punishment that follows. (Carlos sits on the bed, looking pained.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:Only the truly repentant have any right at all to expect a second chance... (Susan and Ian lie together on the couch.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Mike's Room] Mike:C'mon, what's my surprise? (Edie, wearing a slutty outfit, opens a door leading into the room. She strikes a post. Mike looks happy, then his brow furrows as a flashback comes to him.) (Flashback: A door leading into the room opens and Monique, wearing a slutty outfit, strikes a post.) Monique:I thought you'd never get here. [Present Time] Mary Alice Voiceover:...which is why it's best to think twice before you confess... Edie: Mike? What's wrong?
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Mike: The girl who died. Mary Alice Voiceover:...especially if you don't know what it is you're confessing to. Mike:I think I knew her. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X07: Bang -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Nora looked for trouble and found it... Lynette:You will never again see my husband. Mary Alice Voiceover:Julie got to know Edie's nephew... Austin:She couldn't take her eyes off my abs.I felt violated. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan and Ian made plans... Susan:I'd love to go to France someday. Ian:Would you like to go next month? Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle and Carlos reunited... Carlos:It's been a long time. Mary Alice Voiceover:And dinner with the Bigsbys... Carolyn:That's the police report that Alma filed after Orson hit her. Mary Alice Voiceover:...was full of surprises. Orson: Look, I'm going through something. Harvey:I had an affair. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Friday] Mary Alice Voiceover:It was supposed to be an ordinary day for Carolyn Bigsby. She had planned to bake her husband a strudel, give her dog a bath, and water her African violets. Yes, Carolyn had planned to do all sorts of things she thought mattered. But earlier that day, a woman who wasn't her friend told Carolyn something she wasn't supposed to hear. From that moment on, Carolyn felt...nothing really mattered anymore. (Carolyn enters the market as Susan leaves.) Susan:Hello, Carolyn. Carolyn:Yeah, hey, how are you? (Carolyn goes to the back of the store where Harvey, her husband, is.) Harvey:Carolyn? What are you doing here? Carolyn:I've been thinking,Harvey,that if you loved this Monique woman so much,maybe you should be with her. Harvey:For God sakes, Carolyn, she's dead. Carolyn:Yeah, I know. (Carolyn pulls out a gun and points it at Harvey.) Mary Alice:Yes, Carolyn Bigsby had planned on it being an ordinary day... (Harvey runs into the managers room and shuts the door so Carolyn cant get in.) Carolyn:Harvey! You come out of there, damn it! Mary Alice Voiceover:But as every housewife knows...
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(Carolyn turns the gun on the other customers in the store.) Carolyn: Down. Nobody goes anywhere. Mary Alice Voiceover:...plans change. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[The night before] Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette Scavo had a dream last night. It was one she'd had many times before. She dreamt of the last time she saw me...and of the last time we spoke. [Dream] (Lynette gets out of her car and sees Mary Alice standing on her lawn, staring down at a letter in her hand.) Lynette:Hey! Mary Alice, are you okay? Mary Alice:Yes, thank you. I'm fine. Lynette:Okay. See you later. (Lynette goes inside her house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was still hard for Lynette to accept that this unremarkable exchange had been our last. Or that moments later, I would enter my house, and put a bullet through my brain. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Friday morning- Lynette's porch] (Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle are sitting on Lynettes porch.) Lynette:I had the Mary Alice dream again last night. Gabrielle:Oh, hon, again? Lynette:I haven't had it for months. I don't know why it came back. Bree:Well, somebody just bought her old house. Maybe that triggered something. Lynette:It was awful, as always. I saw she was in pain, and I just walked away and... Gabrielle:There was nothing you could do. Lynette:And that's what I did, nothing. Bree:Hey, is that the new neighbor? Gabrielle:Oh, he's cute! Bree:Edie said he's a bachelor... Gabrielle:Keep talking. Bree:...who lives with his invalid sister. Gabrielle:You can stop now. Bree:Should we go introduce ourselves? Gabrielle:Yeah, let's give him the scoop on the neighborhood. Lynette: Do you think he knows Mary Alice shot herself in his living room? Bree:Then again, he probably wants some time to unpack. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Bree:Orson? If you have a moment, there's something I'd like your thoughts on. Orson:Certainly. What is it? The menu for our holiday open house? Bree:No, it's the police report from the night you beat your first wife. I'm still working on the menu. Orson:I assure you, I did not beat my wife. She suffered these injuries in a fall. Bree:Oh, how did she fall? Orson:I pushed her. It was self-defense. She attacked me. Bree:Why would she attack you? Orson:She spilled some red wine on a white tablecloth.She was trying to clean it up with dish soap.When I pointed out her mistake, she started screaming,"Shut up, shut up!"And striking me repeatedly with a saut
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pan.Well,look...The police dropped the charges.Where did you get this? Bree:Carolyn. Orson:Well, of course.Who else? If she paid this much attention to her own marriage, maybe Harvey wouldn't have cheated on her. Bree:Harvey cheated? Orson:Yes, with some flight attendant named Monique. Darling, I could never strike a woman. Well, you do believe me, don't you? Bree:All right, I accept your explanation. I just wish there were fewer things for you to explain. By the way, to remove a red wine stain, you sprinkle salt to absorb it. Orson:That's just what I was saying to Alma when she clocked me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's house] (Nora drives up to Tom and Lynettes house and gets out of her car. Lynette comes over to her. Lynette:Whoa, what fresh hell is this? Nora:Hey, Tom... Lynette:Whoa! Whoa, whoa! You have stepped onto my property, and you've talked to Tom. That's two rules you've broken, and I'm not sure that top doesn't make three. Nora:Would you tell your lunatic wife I'm not talking to her? Lynette:You're the lunatic if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my husband.Just drop Kayla off and go. Nora:Kayla won't be visiting today. We're moving. And here's where you can send the child support. (She hands them an address on a piece of paper.) Tom:Mexico? Nora:An old friend of mine got me a sweet job dancing at a nightclub in Tijuana. Tom:Great, and you're taking Kayla? Nora:Thank your wife.She's been itching to get rid of us ever since we got here. She finally got her way. Wave bye-bye to your Daddy, honey. Tom:Nora, can't... can't we just talk about this? Nora:Oh, we're not allowed to talk. Remember? Lynette:She's Tom's daughter. You can't just take her out of the country. Nora:Watch me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Courtroom] Judge: Does either party have anything to add before I rule on the division of assets and alimony? Gabrielles Lawyer:No, we're confident that your ruling will reflect the pain and suffering endured by my client. Carloss Lawyer:Your honor,does the definition of "suffering" encompass the seduction of my client four days ago? Judge:Excuse me? Carloss Lawyer:She thought he was coming into some money and hoped to stall the divorce until she could claim her share. Gabrielle:How dare you! That is a vicious lie. (Carlos turns on a tape recorder and Gabrielles voice from the tape fills the room.) Gabrielle:Oh, Carlos, give it to me! Carlos! Yes! Yes! Carlos... (Carlos turns off the tape recorder.) Gabrielle:You recorded our lovemaking? Carlos:It's all right here, your honor. When she climaxes, she actually starts screaming out dollar amounts.
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Judge:Mrs. Solis...Would you like to respond? Gabrielle:As a matter of fact, I do have a few thoughts.Carlos, you're a dead man! Do you hear me? Carlos:Oh, the ruling seems fair to me. You get the house. I just get everything in it. Gabrielle:I said dead! Carlos:No alimony. That's a drag. But, hey, you like to work, right? Gabrielle:Come on, just give me one clean shot at him. I'm willing to do the time! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Julie comes into the kitchen where Susan has pulled out a beer can from the trashcan.) Julie:Mom, I was packing your suitcase, and you're totally out of toothpaste. Do you want me to go to the store and get some? Susan:What is this? Julie:Oh, um, it was Austin's, okay? Susan:Edie's nephew? Since when are you friends with him? Julie:Uh,we are not friends.I was tutoring him,he brought beer,I told him to throw it out,and he did.End of story. Susan: Did you have any? (Julie doesnt say anything.) Susan:Oh,I cannot believe your timing.I'm about to fly off to Paris,and you're inviting boys over for Oktoberfest. Julie:Oh, that's it! Go to your room and finish packing. This conversation's over. Susan:The last time I checked, I was the parent. Julie:Yeah, well, the last time I checked, I was the daughter who never gave you any reason to doubt her. Susan:Okay, I know I...And don't play the parent card with me. Julie:I just finished packing your suitcase, doing your laundry and balancing your checkbook. And now I'm going to the store to buy your toothpaste. (She storms out.) Susan:Well, a simple No, I didn't drink any beer would've sufficed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Carolyn sees Bree and stops to chat.) Carolyn:Bree! You haven't returned any of my calls. I've been worried. Have you told the wife-beater you're leaving him yet? Bree:Sorry, no. Turns out he has an explanation for the police report. Carolyn:Oh, come on. There's never a good reason for hitting a woman. Bree:I used to think that, too. Then I met you. Good day. Carolyn:I'm trying to help you. You're living in a fool's paradise. Bree:Well, I guess that makes us neighbors. Carolyn:What's that supposed to mean? Bree:It means you should stop worrying about my marriage and start worrying about your own. Carolyn: Don't play coy with me. You've got something to say, then just say it. Bree:Okay. Does the name Monique mean anything to you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Tom:Hey,I found this site that offers really cheap fares to Tijuana,but should I even be thinking of going to Tijuana?
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Lynette:It's fine with me...soon as you figure out a way to leave your genitals here. Tom:What are you saying, Lynette? I'm not allowed to visit my daughter? What? Lynette:See?This is exactly what she wants.She takes Kayla,and I get blamed.Well,screw her.Let's sue for custody. Tom:Full custody? You'd go for that? Lynette:You bet I would. Kayla will be much better off without Crazy in her life. Tom:So will we. Lynette:I am right there with you. Tom:I just...I never thought you'd want a fifth kid. Lynette:I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] (Gabrielle comes into the house.Carlos is there.) Carlos:Hey, look whose plastic handcuffs got taken off. Okay, youre clearly still a little miffed about the settlement. But come on, be fair. I did buy most of the stuff in this house, honey. (Gabrielle begins smashing items onto the floor.) Carlos:What the hell are you doing?! Gabrielle:Oh, I'm helping you pack. Think of all the money you're gonna save on bubble wrap. Carlos: Do you know how much that was worth?! Gabrielle: Do you know how much I was worth?! When we met, I was on the cover of magazines. I had a career and a future, but I gave it all up for you, and what did I get in return? Carlos:If you break one more thing, so help me... Gabrielle:What? What are you gonna do? (Carlos picks up a sledgehammer and hits the wall with it. Plaster rains down.) Gabrielle:Carlos, have you lost your mind?! Carlos:Well, you're helping me pack my stuff. I'm helping you remodel your house.You know, I don't know about you, but I always thought there should be a window that was right there.We can stop this right now, or we can keep on playing. Your call. {Gabrielle continues throwing more items onto the floor. Carlos continues hitting down the walls of the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Market] (Julie is shopping when Austin comes up behind her.) Austin:Toothpaste, mouthwash...did somebody get an anonymous e-mail? Julie:Said the boy with the economy-sized acne cream. Austin:There you go again, checking out my basket. Julie:Ugh, go away. Do you know how much trouble your stupid beer can got me in? Austin:Well, then let me make it up to you. I'll carry your stuff. Julie:Whatever. (She hands him her basket and walks away. While shes turned away, he takes a bottle of whiskey from his basket and slips it into her bag.) (Meanwhile, Carolyn has entered the market and goes up to Harvey, whos with a customer.) Harvey:Yeah? Carolyn:Harvey, it's me. Harvey:Hey, hon, I'm in the middle of something here, so, um... Carolyn:I know about Monique. (He turns to the customer.)
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Harvey:Um, could you excuse me a second? (He turns back to Carolyn.) Harvey: Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but, um... Carolyn: Did you love her? Harvey:She was just a friend, and she disappeared eight months ago. The police just found her body. Carolyn:Eight months ago. That's right when you fell into that big depression. And I kept thinking, "Why is Harvey so blue? How do I cheer him up?" That was about her, wasn't it? Harvey:It's over. She's dead. Carolyn:But if she weren't, who would you be with, me or her? Harvey:She's dead. (At the cash register, the cashier is ringing up Julies purchases.) Cashier:That'll be $12.99. I'll take your fields card. (Julie reaches in her bag for the card and the whiskey bottle is revealed.) Austin:Couldn't keep your wallet in your pants? Cashier:Mr. Bigsby? Harvey: Look, um...I gotta go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Boys:Mommy, look at us! Lynette:I'll look as soon as I get back from the store. Kids:Bye, mom! (Lynette leaves the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Edie is jogging down the street when her cell phone rings. She stops jogging and answers the phone.) Edie:This is Edie. Yeah, I'm his aunt. He shoplifted what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be right there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Ian comes into Susans room, where shes packing.) Ian:You're still packing? We're going to be late. Susan:Nope, we're fine. Besides, I can't leave until Julie gets back with my toothpaste. Ian:Oh, we don't need it. I packed a large tube and some dental floss. Susan:Really? Ian:Why are Americans so amazed when the English display the slightest acquaintance with dental hygiene? Susan:Okay, I'm gonna need some help with this big baby. Go! Zip, zip, zip! Ian:Uh, Susan, do you really need all this? I mean, we're not emigrating. Susan:It's my first time in Paris. I want it to be magical, and that means accessories, so back off. Ian:It's the fashion capital of the world.Uh,while I'm working,you can take my credit card and buy some new things. Susan:No, no, I am not gonna spend your money. Ian:I have an expense account. Susan:And you just tell me this now? Ian:I'll tell the driver you'll be a minute. (He leaves. The phone rings. Susan picks it up.) Susan:Hello? Yes, this is her mother. What? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Market] (Lynette is talking with the new neighbor,Art.) Lynette:Well, you're gonna love the neighborhood. Are you all moved in? Art:Uh, pretty much. Just waiting on some medical equipment for my sister. Lynette:Oh, yeah, I heard she isn't well. Can I ask what's wrong with her? Art:Oh, of course. Unfortunately, she has this rare degenerative... Lynette:Oh, that's rough. Excuse me. (Edie, Susan, Julie, and Austin are in the back room.) Susan:You told me you weren't even friends with him. Now you're shoplifting together? Julie:Mom, you know I wouldn't steal. Susan:Yeah, I wanna believe that, but suddenly you're having boys over, you're drinking beer... Austin:And soon she'll be listening to that rock 'n' roll music everybody's talking about. Edie:So, how are we gonna handle this? Susan: Listen, I have somebody in the car who's late for a plane. Can you give me two minutes? Julie:Mom... Susan:I am so disappointed in you. (She leaves the market, passing by Carolyn, whos entering.) Susan:Hello, Carolyn. Carolyn:Yeah, hey, how are you? (In the back of the store, Edie is talking with Harvey.) Edie: Look, make him work it off. You get a free stock boy for a month. Austin:A month? It was a ten dollar bottle of whiskey. Edie:Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff. (Harvey sees Carolyn and turns to go to her.) Edie:Harvey, don't walk away. Come on. Let's sort this out. (In a different part of the market, Nora runs into Lynette.) Lynette:Hey, Nora. How's tricks? I thought it was your car I saw in the lot. Nora:You're a conniving bitch. Lynette:Ah, I see you've heard from our lawyer. Nora:So it's not enough that you run me out of town. You gotta steal my damn kid. (Harvey goes up to Carolyn.) Harvey:Carolyn, what are you doing here? Carolyn:I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you loved this Monique woman so much... (She pulls out a gun.) (Lynette and Nora continue to talk on another aisle.) Lynette:Even you have to admit Kayla would be better off with us than in a dingy apartment over a Tijuana strip club. Nora:Believe me, Lynette, you do not wanna screw with me. Lynette:You went after my husband. If anyone should be afraid, it's you. (Harvey runs into a back room, pulling Edie with him.) Harvey:Go! Go! Carolyn:Harvey! Harvey, you come out of there, damn it! (She turns the gun on the customers around her.) Carolyn: Down. Everybody down. Nobody goes anywhere. Don't move. Get down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Market - Parking lot]
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(Susan is talking with Ian.) Ian:You can't be serious. We have tickets. The plane leaves in two hours. Susan:I'm sorry. I know, Julie picked a lousy time to rebel. I just can't fly off and ignore it. Ian:You're overreacting. It's an adolescent prank, and you're turning it into some great bloody crisis. Susan:You have a lot of meetings anyway. Well go some other time. I can't leave Julie right now. Ian:We'll take her with us. Susan:Oh, that's responsible parenting. Stealing whiskey? That's it, young lady. I'm taking you to Paris. Ian:Ah,ah,but that's just some ruse.Once we get her on the plane,we'll make her fly coach-middle seat,no mercy. Susan:I'm sorry. Ian:It won't be Paris without you. (Police cars come racing into the parking lot. Susan runs up to a cop.) Susan:What the hell's going on? Cop:It's Mrs. Bigsby. She has a gun. Susan:What? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] Carolyn:I said nobody move! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the market] Cop:She's at the back. I think we can make it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] (Carolyn comes to the front of the store.) Carolyn:Hey! Attention, shoppers, were having a special today on not getting shot, but it's only available at the back of the store! Hey, how are ya? Thanks for joining us. Do I know you? Customer:My son, Jordans, in your Sunday school class. Carolyn:Oh, he's a great little boy, so don't do anything that'll make him wake up tomorrow without a Mommy. Um, for the rest of you, hi, I'm Carolyn. I'm sorry for putting a crimp in your day, but I'm pretty sure that my cheating husband is in there right now phoning the police, so I'm counting on all you folks to help me keep them outside till Harvey and I have a chance to...talk things over. Harvey! You're inconveniencing your customers. Get out here! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[The Managers Office] Harvey:Yeah, she's got hostages! Edie:Oh, my God. Austin's there and Julie!Get your ass out there before someone gets hurt! Harvey:What am I, a moron? She'll shoot me. Edie:She has got ten innocent people out there. Sometimes you've got to take one for the team. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] (In the aisle, Nora and Lynette are huddled in a corner. Lynette dials a number on her cell phone.) Lynette:Sweetie, it's Mommy. I need to talk to Daddy. Parker :Porter's hogging all the Legos. Lynette:Tell him I said to share. Now put Daddy on. Parker:I did tell them, but he says he needs them all for his robot. Lynette: Put Daddy on, and I'll buy you a real robot.
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Parker:You will? Lynette:A big one with laser beam eyes. Now go get Daddy! Parker:I'm getting a real robot! Twin:A real robot? (Carolyn comes over to where Nora and Lynette are. She takes the phone away from Lynette.) Carolyn:Come on, that's not fair. I'm having a real bad day here. Is a little cooperation too much to ask? (Before Carolyn closes the connection on the phone, Toms voice is heard.) Tom: Lynette? Lynette? Carolyn:It's terrible. Terrible. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the market] Susan:Excuse me, what's going... what's going on? Cop:Crazy woman with a gun in there! No, no, no! Stay back! Susan:Carolyn! Open up! My daughter's inside! Carolyn:Sorry, store's closed. Susan:Yeah, but there's a crazy woman in there! Carolyn:Yeah, I know. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] (Theres a knock on the door.Gabrielle,looking disheveled,opens it,to reveal Mrs. McCluskey standing on her porch.) Mrs. McCluskey: Quick, turn on the TV. Gabrielle:It's kind of on the fritz. Mrs. McCluskey:Well, turn on your radio. Gabrielle:If only you'd come ten minutes earlier. Mrs. McCluskey:Some woman is shooting up Fields Market. She's got hostages. Gabrielle:Oh, my God! Mrs. McCluskey:Yeah, we're all watching it over at Bree's house, and...Uh, is everything okay here? Gabrielle:Yeah, everything's fine. Having a little squabble. Give us a minute. Carlos, where do you think you're going with that?! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (A crowd of neighbors has gathered in Brees living room to watch the news.) Reporter:Information is very thin at this time.We do not see anybody in the front of the building at this hour but... Bree:Coffee's almost ready, and if you'd prefer to watch the coverage on channel 9, it's on in the den. Orson, Greta needs a coaster. (More neighbors come in through the front door.) Neighbor #1:Bree, have you heard? Bree:Oh, it's just awful. Deviled egg? Neighbor #1:Oh, thank you. (to the other neighbor) I told you she'd have food. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] Carolyn:I'm sure some of you might be thinking that this is all my fault, and that I'm the bad guy here, but I'm not. He is. (Her cell phone rings and she picks it up.)
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Carolyn:Will you people stop calling me? I'm right in the middle of something. (She hangs up and turns back to the group of customers on the floor.) Carolyn:He humiliated me. First he cheated on me with a stewardess named Monique. How clich is that? And then he told people about it. Now there are news trucks out there. Judy Pope's husband has an affair, nobody finds out. Mine cheats, and they break into programming! The whole town is laughing at me! You hear that, Harvey? (Harvey and Edie are locked inside the managers room.) Harvey:I only told one person. Edie:Well, it was clearly the wrong one. (In the store, Carolyns phone rings again.) Carolyn:I told you to stop calling me- Tish, I'm sorry. I thought it was somebody else. Oh, my God, was that today? I'm so sorry. I know, Tish. Yeah, I know. I know I volunteered for the winter fair... (While Carolyn is on the phone, Julie whispers to Austin.) Julie:How can you look so calm? Aren't you scared? Austin:No, because I'm not gonna die today...and neither are you. (Carolyn is still on the phone.) Carolyn:Tish,I really don't think that I can.I'm telling you, um...oh,Tish,for God sakes, turn on your damn TV! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the market] (Susan walks up to one of the cops.) Susan:Excuse me, my name is Susan Mayer. Cop:Ma'am, this is a restricted area. Susan:I would like to trade places with one of the people inside.Don't... don't you do that? Cop:Oh, you mean our hostage exchange program? Susan:Okay, you don't have to be nasty. My daughter is inside there. Cop:Ma'am, we're doing everything we can to get her out safely. Now please step back. (Susan walks away and sneaks behind a cop car. Nobody notices her. The cop turns to another cop and begins issuing instructions.) Cop:I want the perimeter locked down. Nobody goes in, nobody goes out, and see if you can get me an open phone line with the manager's office. (Susan picks up an unused megaphone and begins speaking into it.) Susan:Attention! Attention, Carolyn Bigsby! Cop:Where's that coming from? Susan:This is Susan Mayer... again. First of all, I'm sorry for the "crazy lady" remark. Second, I have a proposition for you. Cop:Find her now! Susan: Let Julie go and take me instead. Repeat, take me. I will be a model hostage. If we have a deal, signal by sending Julie to the... (The cops grab her and try to take the megaphone away.) Susan:No, take your hands off me! Carolyn, Carolyn! Call my cell! It's 572... (They grab the megaphone away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (The TV is still on.) Reporter:Now we don't know where anyone is inside the building right now, but we are standing by, waiting for information. I'm hoping to talk to the chief of police in just a couple of minutes, get a few more details...
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(The phone rings.) Bree:Andrew, honey, would you please get the phone? Reporter: Police have just released the name of the hostage taker.It's Carolyn Bigsby, wife of store owner Harvey Bigsby. Harvey has informed police that he is barricaded inside the store... Neighbor:Oh, my God, Bree, don't you know her? Bree:Uh, yes, um...I just... ran into her this morning. Andrew:Uh, mom? That was Edie Britt on the phone. She's inside the market. Bree:Is she all right? Andrew:Yeah, uh, she's locked inside the manager's office, but she said that Julie Mayer and Mrs. Scavo are with the hostages. (Tom suddenly opens Brees front door, pushing Pennys stroller in with the three boys trailing behind him.) Tom:Bree, would you mind watching the kids? I've got a doctor's appointment, and Lynette is taking her sweet time at the market. (He suddenly notices all of the people in her living room.) Tom:I'm sorry. Are you guys having a party? (Later) Reporter:We continue to report live on the scene as the hostage standoff at Fields Market enters its third hour. According to a police spokesman, there has been no further contact from the hostage taker. We continue to wait for the latest information. No new news at this point. We will bring you the latest as soon as it becomes available. (Bree is in the kitchen, preparing food. Orson enters.) Orson:Are you all right? Bree:I'm fine. I just, I'm running out of food, and it's not as if I can go to the grocery store. Orson:Bree... Bree:Thank God I found this stale baguette so I can make Bruschetta, and there's shrimp in the freezer, so I'm gonna make my rice and seafood dish. Orson:Bree, this is not your fault. Bree:I had to tell her. She hurt me, so I hurt her back. If anything should happen to Julie or Lynette... Orson:Is there anything I can do? Bree:You can peel a clove of garlic. Orson:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] (Carolyn has opened up a box of cookies and is eating them.) Carolyn:I wanted kids.I wanted kids so badly but Harvey had two from his first wife. He said it made her fat. Harvey likes them lean. I run four miles a day.This is my first cookie in six years.You hear that, Harvey? I'm breaking my diet! (Inside the managers office, Harvey talks with Edie.) Harvey:She's starting to lose it out there. What do I do? Edie:Just keep her calm, tell her you're sorry, and see if you can get her to release the kids and old people. Harvey:Okay, I'll try. (He pushes a button on a microphone so he can talk to Carolyn in the store.) Harvey:Carolyn...Honey,uh, it's me,Harvey.Look,Im really sorry.What I did was wrong, but I still love you a lot. Carolyn:Cut the crap. I had my hair done this morning. Did you notice? Did you even notice? Harvey:Well, I was distracted. You were shooting at me. Edie:Tell her to let the kids go.
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Carolyn:Who the hell was that?! You got a woman in there? Harvey:She's a customer! Carolyn: Don't lie to me, Harvey! She's another one of your whores, isn't she? Edie:Oh, fantastic! Harvey:Carolyn, I swear... Carolyn:Shut up. I hope you're having a good time in there, whore, 'cause I got a bullet for you, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Gabrielle is sitting on a bench in the backyard when Carlos comes outside and joins her.) Carlos:God, what a nightmare. Gabrielle:You know what the weird part is? Carlos:What? Gabrielle:I keep thinking about that crazy lady in the market, and...I understand her. I could be her. Carlos:Come on. Gabrielle:No,I mean it.The rage that I have felt in these past six months...If I had had a gun in the courthouse today... Carlos:You could never shoot me. Gabrielle:I don't know what I'm capable of anymore. This divorce has turned me into this... bitter, hateful person, and I don't like her. Carlos:Hey, baby. Gabrielle:And for what it's worth, I don't like what it's turned you into either. Carlos:Then let's stop being those people. Gabrielle:Okay. Carlos:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the market] (Susan and Tom are sitting off to the side together.) Tom:Hey, just so you know...I heard the woman in there teaches Sunday school. A Sunday school teacher would never hurt a kid. No way. Susan:Thank you. I'm sure Lynette's gonna be fine, too. Tom:Oh, I'm not worried about Lynette. Hell, with Lynette in there, they don't even need that negotiator. You put Lynette in a room with a woman who wants to shoot her husband, she'll have them renewing their vows. Susan:Right. Tom:Lynette is very persuasive. I give it an hour, tops. Then we'll all be back home eating our hamburgers. She was gonna go to the store tomorrow, but we were out of hamburger. I wanted hamburgers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] (Nora is whispering to Lynette.) Nora:I hope all this is giving you a little perspective on our situation. Lynette:Shh! She told us not to talk. Nora:You're thinking about your kids, right? How awful it'd be to never see them again. Well, that's what you're asking me to feel, but for the rest of my life! Lynette:Nora, please! Carolyn:Hey, what'd I say? Lynette:I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll... we'll be quiet. Carolyn:You and your friend are really starting to bug me.
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Nora:She's not my friend. She's trying to steal my kid. Lynette:Nora, shut up! Carolyn:Is that true? Lynette:No!I... we're...we have...we're sharing custody,and then,she tried to seduce my husband, so... Carolyn:She put the moves on your husband? Why didn't you say so? (She turns the gun on Nora and shoots her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the market] Reporter:That was a shot! We just heard a shot fired inside the building. A shot has been fired. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] Carolyn:I believe the phrase you're looking for is "thank you". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the market] Reporter:We just had a shot. We heard a shot fired inside the market. You can see police are responding, taking this very seriously. We are going to just continue to stand and watch and wait and see what happens. (Ian runs up to Susan.) Ian:It was on the television at the airport. I came as soon as I could. Susan:The last thing I said to her was that she disappointed me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (The TV is still on.) Reporter: Police have just confirmed that a hostage has been shot. Repeat, a hostage has been shot. There's no word on the name of the victim at this time, but it is believed to be female. (One of the twins comes up to Bree.) Twin:Mrs. Hodge? When's mommy gonna be back from the store? Bree:I'm sure she'll be back soon. Why don't we, uh, go have some cookies? Twin:Mommy said we can't have cookies before dinner. Bree:I'm sure she won't mind. Come on. Let's go. Come on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the market] Lynette:Okay, I gotta keep the pressure up to stop the bleeding! Nora:Good news is you won't need that lawyer now. Lynette:You are gonna get through this just fine. There is a parking lot full of ambulances out there. You gotta let us take her out of here! Carolyn:No one's leaving. Nora: Listen to me... Lynette...About Kayla... Lynette:Oh, forget it! Forget it! We'll work that out later. Nora:No... I don't have... have later, you stupid bitch. Okay? So listen. Lynette:Okay, I'm listening. Nora:Kayla's the only good thing that I've ever done in my whole life. I need you to really take really good care... of her. Okay? I don't have all day. Come on. Lynette:Yeah, yes, I will, I will, I will. I will love her like she is my own. I will, Nora. Nora? Nora! (Nora dies.) Carolyn:Oh, don't look at me that way. You know you wanted her dead. Lynette:How can you say that?
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Carolyn:Well, you told me about her and your husband after I made it pretty clear where I stand on whores. Lynette:I did not want this. Don't you dare say that I wanted this. Carolyn:Shut up! Lynette:No, I will not shut up! What's the matter with you?! Carolyn:Have you not been paying attention? My husband cheated on me! Lynette:Who cares?!Who cares?We all have pain! Everyone in here has pain, but we deal with it! We swallow it and get going with our lives! What we don't do is go around shooting strangers! Carolyn:She deserved it! Lynette:Well, maybe you deserved to be cheated on!I'm.. I'm... I'm sorry.I shouldn't have said that. Carolyn:Yeah, you shouldn't have. (She aims the gun at Lynette, but Wisteria Lanes new neighbor, whos in the market with the rest of the hostages, takes a can from his basket and throws it at Carolyn, knocking the gun out of her hand, but not before she shoots, hitting Lynette in the arm.) (Theres a fight for the gun and finally another shot rings out. Jordans mother is the one who pulled the trigger to kill Carolyn.) (Later, the hostages leave the market and run into the arms of their loved ones. Susan hugs Julie, whos safe, and Tom runs up to Lynettes whos lying on a gurney, ready to be taken to the hospital.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Lynette lies sleeping in her hospital bed, her arm in a sling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette Scavo had a dream that night. It was one she'd had many times before. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dream] (Lynette gets out of her car and sees Mary Alice standing on her lawn, looking at a letter shes holding.) Lynette:Hey! Mary Alice, are you okay? Mary Alice:Yes, thank you. I'm fine. Lynette:Okay. I'll see you later. (Lynette turns to go inside.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But this night, something changed. (She turns back to Mary Alice and goes over to her.) Lynette:No, you're not. I can tell. Please... Tell me what's wrong. Let me save you. Mary Alice:You can't. Lynette:Why not? Mary Alice:Sweetie, we can't prevent what we can't predict. Lynette:Isn't there anything I can do? Mary Alice:Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them. Mary Alice Voiceover:This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me, and for her sake, I am grateful. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X08: Children and Art -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives...
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Mary Alice Voiceover:The new neighbor... Gabrielle:He's cute. Lynette:He's a bachelor. Mary Alice Voiceover:...became a hero. Mary Alice Voiceover:In a crisis that brought Julie and Austin together,while Carlos and Gaby broke apart. Gabrielle:I had a career and a future,but I gave it all up for you,and what did I get in return? Mary Alice Voiceover:The police assembled their pieces of evidence. Detective Ridley:Your phone number was written on her hand. Mike:I can't help you. Another detective:No memory, huh?That's convenient. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Karen McCluskey had always believed in helping others, whether they wanted her help or not. [Flashback] (A neighbor opens his door to find Karen standing there, holding a paintbrush with blue paint on it.) Neighbor:What's all this? Mrs. McCluskey:You know how you never got around to painting your garage door? Well, it's done. Hope you like blue. [Flashback] (A neighbor opens her door to find Karen standing there, holding up a cat.) Neighbor:Baxter! You found him! Mrs. McCluskey:Yeah, and I got him neutered, too. I figured you wouldn't want any more strays around here. [Flashback] (A neighbor opens her door to find Karen standing there, holding up Christmas decorations.) Neighbor:Karen! Mrs. McCluskey:Hi, Alberta. I took these down for you since, you know, Christmas was six months ago. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Mrs. McCluskey's helping hand was known throughout Wisteria Lane. But on this day, it was about to get slapped. Edie:What the hell are you doing? Mrs. McCluskey:Jeez, Edie, you scared me. What are you doing here? Edie:Getting Mike's house ready. He comes back from the hospital tomorrow. Since when do you have a key to his garage? Mrs. McCluskey:He gave me one...in case of an emergency. Edie:Don't lie to me, prune. Mrs. McCluskey:Fine, I found it under his mat. Look, I'm not doing anything wrong. I just come over once a week and start his mower so the engine doesn't get rusty. Edie:And do you mow your lawn with it, too? Mrs. McCluskey:What's the big deal? I'm doing him a favor. Edie:Well, he doesn't need any favors from you. I'm gonna go through Mike's house room by room, and if I find as much as one paper clip missing, I'm calling the cops. Mrs. McCluskey:Funny you should talk about stuff that's missing. I found those pictures of Mike and Susan you threw out. Edie:Pictures? Mrs. McCluskey:Oh, don't act for me. I know that Mike's been having troubles with his memory. My guess...You don't want him to remember how crazy he was about his old girlfriend.
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Edie:I don't need to resort to deception to land a man. Mrs. McCluskey:Oh, Edie, I saved the pictures... And I can show them to Mike anytime I like. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Karen McCluskey believed in helping others... Edie:Where are you going with this? (Later, Karen is walking back down Mikes driveway, pushing the lawn mower in front of her and looking very pleased with herself.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...which she felt gave her the right to help herself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(A scout leader is giving a pep talk to her charges.) Scout leader:So remember to be polite... Mary Alice Voiceover:Each year as part of their fund-raising drive, the Fairview Adventure Scouts would award a shiny new bike to whoever sold the most magazine subscriptions. And each scout would set out utterly convinced the prize would be hers. That's the beauty of youth. Little girls believe anything is possible... That is, until they grow up and get divorced. (One of the Adventure Scouts goes up to Gabrielle, who is sitting on her front porch.) Girl:Hi.What if I told you there is a way you could help children, while also reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you like to hear more? Gabrielle:Sure, knock yourself out. Girl:Wise choice. For the lady of the house, we offer... Redbook, Glamour, "Vog-you"... Gabrielle:I think you mean Vogue, sweetie. Girl:You sure? Gabrielle:I should know. I was on the cover. Girl:No way. Gabrielle:Uh, way. (Later, Gabrielle shows the girl her scrapbook of her modeling pictures.) Gabrielle:Oh, see that coat I'm wearing in this shot? That's genuine ocelot fur. Although the photographer was the real animal, if you know what I'm saying... which I hope you don't. And don't ever do drugs, okay? Girl:Being a model must be so amazing. Why did you stop? Gabrielle:Well, I fell in love, got married and moved to the suburbs for the whole fairy-tale happy ending thing. That was a crock. Girl:So you going back to modeling? Gabrielle:No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Girl:Why not? What else are you gonna do? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's porch] (Susan, Bree, and Gabrielle are all on Lynettes porch, talking.) Susan:You're going back to modeling? Bree:This is so sudden. Gabrielle:Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm just gonna fly to New York, meet with my old agent and take it from there. Come on, you guys, this is exciting. Be happy for me. Susan:We are. We're just gonna miss you, that's all. Gabrielle:Well, now that my divorce is final, I need a reason to wake up in the morning. I have this hole in my life that can't be filled by shopping. That's right, I said it. (Toms car pulls into the driveway. He and Lynette get out of the car. Lynettes arm is in a sling.)
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Susan:Oh, my gosh.Lynette. Tom:I'll get the kids. They're dying to see you. Lynette:Hey.Hey!Oh, my gosh! You didn't have to do this!Hi! Gabrielle:You look great.Well, apparently, taking a .38 slug to the shoulder agrees with you. Lynette:Yeah, um, listen, about that...the kids don't know what happened. Susan:They don't? Lynette:I thought they were little young to deal with their mother getting shot. All I told them is Kayla is staying with her grandmother, and I made up a story about how I got hurt. (The kids come running out of the house.) Parker:Hey, Mom! Lynette:Oh, here they are! Hey! Boys:Mommy! Lynette:Hello. Oh, this side. Hi! Parker:Hello! I can't believe you got in a fight with a hobo. Lynette:Yeah... (She sees the look on the her friends faces.) Lynette:Well, let's see how well you do on a morphine drip. Twin:Mommy, come inside. We helped Mrs. McCluskey make your favorite lunch. Lynette:Fantastic! Lead the way, I'm coming in. Boys:Hurry up. I'm hungry. Let's go. Let's go. (The boys run inside and Lynette goes up to Tom, whos holding Penny.) Lynette:There she is! Hi, my little bunny! Tom:Hey, why don't you go inside and get the party started? Lynette:I've gotta... (She gestures across the street.) Lynette:Okay? Tom:Gotcha. Lynette:Hi, bunny. I'll be right there. (She crosses the street, where the new neighbor, Art, is outside his house.) Lynette:Hey. Art:Hey, Lynette! Lynette:Uh, yeah. Art:You're home. Lynette:Yeah. Art: How you doing? Lynette:I'm good. I just, how do I thank the man who saved my life? Art:You don't have to say anything. Lynette:I'm gonna make you a cake. Art:A cake? Lynette:Yeah. I never make cakes. This is huge. Art:In that case, thanks. Lynette:Yeah, I'm gonna make you a cake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree is writing out Christmas cards at the dining room table with Andrew while Christmas carols play in the background. Orson walks in.)
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Orson:Christmas carols? It's not even Thanksgiving. Bree:I'm starting my cards early this year. It puts me in the mood to spread holiday cheer. Andrew:And with the pack of lies in this family newsletter, she spreads holiday denial. Bree:Andrew, it's etiquette. Nobody wants to read the truth at Christmas. Orson:Well said, darling. Bree:Honey, would you put on another CD? Something with sleigh bells. (Andrew leaves.) Bree:Oh, by the way, Orson, I need your mother's address at the nursing home. Orson:Oh, well, I appreciate the thought, darling, but you needn't send her a card. Bree:Oh,don't be silly.I'm sending one to the man who reads our gas meter.I can certainly send one to your mother. Orson:She's completely senile. She'll only try to dunk it in her coffee. Bree:Well, all the more reason to send her one. Let the nurses know that she has family at home who loves her...and who could drop by at any minute and slap them with a lawsuit. Orson:Bree, I hear what you're saying Bree:Orson, what's the big deal? It's just an address. Orson:Fine. I'll get my book. The home is somewhere over in Lakeview. Bree:Lakeview? Oh, you gave me the impression that she was back east. Orson:Well, that's because, frankly, I wanted to avoid this conversation. Bree:But if she's only thirty minutes away, why haven't you been visiting her? Orson:Okay, the truth is...it breaks my heart to see her now. I want to remember her as she was. Bree:But, Orson... Orson:Bree, I refuse to sit in a room that smells of disinfectant and lime Jell-O, making small talk with a woman who doesn't remember me. Now let it go, damn it. But by all means, do send a card. The elves will tickle her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Ian and Susan drive up onto Susans driveway.) Ian:Well, shall we? Susan:Wait. Julie's gonna know we came home early from the restaurant to check up on her. I don't want her to think I'm overprotective and clingy. Ian:The girl was held hostage. It's only natural you're gonna be a little bit clingy. Susan:Yeah, it's been a week. I'm getting on her nerves. Ian:How about this? We came home early because we hated the restaurant. The service was dreadful, and the lobster was inedible. Susan:Okay. Wait, if we hated the restaurant, then why are we bringing home food? Ian:Good point. (He takes the leftovers and starts to throw them into the trash. Susan stops him.) Susan:Wait, wait, wait, wait! Are you kidding?! That's lobster! Okay, I thought the restaurant was fantastic, and you were the fussy snob who was impossible to please. Ian:Why do I have to be the fussy snob? Susan:Because you're British. Ian:Fine.But I trust you'll make it up to me later by doing the things a gentleman expects when he's sprung for lobster. (They walk into the house, turn on the lights, and discover Julie, blouse unbuttoned, lying on the couch with
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Austin, who doesnt have a shirt on.) Ian:I'm not getting any tonight, am I? Julie:You're supposed to be having dinner! Ian:It's my fault. I found the restaurant to be absolutely... Susan:Oh, let it go. We came home because I was worried about you, and with good reason. You, put on your shirt and get out. Austin:Well, I didn't bring a shirt. See, I was out running and... Susan:Who cares? Go! (He leaves.) Julie:How could you treat him like that? If Austin hadn't been in that supermarket, I might not be here. Susan:Yes, and I am grateful, but I found a way to say thank you without taking my top off. Julie:A couple of buttons came undone. It's not like my boobs were out. Ian:Okay, well, it's, uh, it's getting late and I really... Susan:No, Ian, am I overreacting here? Ian:Well, I can understand on the heels of a crisis, two people might bond and find themselves... (He catches the look Susan throws at him.) Ian: you're a very naughty girl! Susan:Julie,that boy drinks,he steals,and now I find him mauling you on my couch?That's it.I forbid you to see him. Julie:You can't do that. I choose who I date. Susan:Yeah? Well, I choose to ground you. Two weeks, baby. Julie:Fine, I'll just see him at school. Susan:Well, then you won't go to school. I'll home school you. Julie:Right, you're gonna teach me trig? You can't even balance your own checkbook. Susan:Yes, and you will be poorly educated, and you won't get into college, and you will work for minimum wage for the rest of your life, all because of that boy! I hope you're happy! Julie:Mom, I like this guy, and I'm sorry if it makes you unhappy, but I'm going to keep seeing him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike and Edie enter.) Edie:Doesn't the place look great?I came in and straightened up.I wanted everything to look nice for you.You okay? Mike:Yeah. Yeah, it's just that...I'm home, but it doesn't really feel like home. Edie:It will. Give it time. The important thing is that you're back from the hospital, and every day you're getting better. Hey, the worst is behind you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] Detective:I need the Delfino search warrant. Cop:We're not gonna get it without probable cause. Detective:The guy's phone number was written on a dead girl's hand. Cop:The judge is gonna need more. Detective:I thought you might say that. Here's Monique Polier's lab work. The infrared spectroscopy matched paint fragments in the head wound to the proximo line of pipe wrenches. They're high-end, only used by professional plumbers. And guess what our boy Delfino does for a living? Cop:I'll see what I can do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Agent's office] (Gabrielle walks into her agents office. The agent, Marcella, is on the phone.) Marcella:What do you mean you can't shoot her? Francesco, if you can airbrush her acne, you can airbrush the track marks. Now don't call me again unless she ODs. (She gets off the phone.) Marcella:Gabrielle, ma petite fille! Oh, sit! Gabrielle:You look amazing, younger than ever! Marcella:It's my new dermal filler. It's banned here, so my assistant smuggles it in from Brazil. Isn't it fun? I have my own drug mule. Gabrielle:That's great! Well, I have some fun news of my own. I'm ready to model again. Marcella:Really? The last time we spoke, you couldn't wait to quit. You were giving it all up for love. What happened to prince charming? Gabrielle: Divorce. Marcella:Oh, single again? Isn't that ironic, since I'm the one you called... How did you put it? A career-obsessed lesbo who would die alone and be eaten by her cats. Gabrielle:Did I say that? Water under the bridge. I thought it was funny. Marcella:It's even funnier now. Gabrielle:Look, Marcella, I'm back. And we made such a great team before, and I think we can be again. Marcella:I don't know, darling. Things are different now. You're not gonna be able to jump right back in where you left off. Gabrielle:Well, I just wanna work. Marcella:Boy, I'm still not sure. You know what might help? If you groveled. Gabrielle:Are you serious? Well, I can't tell because your face doesn't move anymore. Marcella:No, I'm joking! Welcome back, darling! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lakeview Nursing Home] (Bree enters Lakeview and goes up to the desk.) Bree:Hi. (A nurse leads her to Orsons mother, Gloria, who is sitting at a table.) Bree:Thank you. Well, hello there! How pretty you look today! It's wonderful that you're up and about! You must be enjoying these colorful balloons! Gloria: Why are you talking to me like I'm a moron? Bree:Oh, I'm...I'm so sorry. The nurse pointed me over here. I'm looking for Gloria Hodge. Gloria:I'm Gloria Hodge. Who might you be? Bree:Well, I must say, I'm surprised at how lucid you are. Orson led me to believe... Gloria:That I was in the final stages of dementia? No, I'm afraid that's just wishful thinking on his part. Bree:Well, how can he feel that way? You're his mother. Gloria:I wouldn't judge him too harshly. Ours is a... complicated relationship. There is love, to be sure, but we have a way of disappointing each other. Bree:Well, how does he disappoint you? Gloria:He's cold, rigid... Bree:And... Gloria:And utterly incapable of letting go of the past. Bree:And how do you disappoint him? Gloria:I refuse to die.
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Bree:Yes, I see. Well, surely this rift isn't irreparable. Gloria:Do you know how people in nursing homes spend their days, Bree? They think about the past, and all the things they'd do differently if they had the chance. Please tell Orson that I'm sorry, And in spite of everything, I still love him. Bree:Well, I have a better idea. Why don't you tell him yourself? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is on the phone.) Lynette:That would be great. I really appreciate it. Okay. Thank you. (She hangs up the phone.) Tom:So what did Ed say? When do you have to go back to work? Lynette:He said take as much time as I want with pay. Tom:You should get gunned down more often. (The boys enter the house.) Lynette:Hey, there they are! Tom:Hey, guys! How was school? Twin:Mommy, were you shot? Lynette:Shot? Where did you hear that? Twin:Jordan Blackwelder. Tom:That's the same little creep who tried to ruin Santa Claus! Twin:And he said that the same crazy lady that shot you killed auntie Nora dead.It was on the news and everything. Lynette:Okay, listen, kids. I am sorry. We shouldn't have lied, but sometimes parents wanna protect the kids from scary things. Tom:And look, the good news is, Mommy's fine now. And we'll all see auntie Nora again in heaven. Lynette:Or wherever. Twin:Did they let you keep the bullet? Lynette:No, no, afraid not. Twin:That blows. We wanted to bring it for show-and-tell. (The twins leave, but Parker stays.) Lynette:Hey, sweetheart, you okay? Parker:What if the crazy lady comes back? Lynette:She won't. Parker:How do you know? Lynette:Well, because she's... Tom:Up in heaven with auntie Nora. Lynette:Or wherever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Julie leaves Susans house and goes over to Edies. Susan follows her and meets Edie on the lawn of Mikes house.) Susan:Julie Mayer, you get back here! You're grounded, remember?! Edie Britt, I wanna talk to you. Edie:I just survived a hostage situation. Haven't I suffered enough for one week? Susan:You keep your nephew away from my daughter or else. Edie:Look, I don't like it either, but the harder we try to keep them apart, the more they're gonna fight to be together. Just let it run its course.
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Susan:Are you crazy?! If we don't do something, those two could end up having sex! Edie:Could? Susan:Oh, my God. You don't... Edie:Let me put it this way-I got a box of condoms in my dresser.Eleven are gone.I can only account for eight of 'em. Susan:How can you be so calm about this? (Mike comes out of his house.) Mike:Edie? Edie:Yeah? Mike:Can you help me with this tie? I... (He sees Susan.) Mike:Hey. Susan:Mike...You're out of the hospital. Edie:Yeah.He's home.In fact,we're gonna go out and celebrate tonight.I'll be with you in one sec, okay,babe? Mike:Yeah. (He goes back inside.) Edie:Since you asked, I'm calm because I know if two people are meant to be together, there's nothing anyone can do about it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is giving instructions to Mrs. McCluskey.) Lynette:Okay, I should be back at around six oclock. They can have one snack. Try and push apples, but if they threaten violence, I have an emergency candy bar under the sink. Mrs. McCluskey:Not anymore you don't. (Karen bites into the candy bar she has.) Lynette:Oh, jeez. (Parker comes into the room.) Parker:Mommy? Where are you going? Lynette:To the market. Parker:No! (He grabs a hold of Lynettes leg and wont let go.) Lynette:Hey, sweetie, it's a different market. Parker:You're gonna get shot again. Lynette:No, I won't. Lots of mommies go to the store every day, and they're fine. It's really not a scary place. Parker:You went to the store, and you got shot, and auntie Nora died. Lynette:I'm only gonna be in there ten minutes, I promise. Parker:Can't she go? Mrs. McCluskey:Fine. I'll go. Lynette:Thanks. Mrs. McCluskey:Don't give a hoot if I get shot, do ya, kid? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Modeling shoot] (Gabrielle is going through racks of clothing. A young, beautiful model is near her, also going through the clothing.) Gabrielle:You must be Tanya. I'm Gabrielle. We're gonna be co-models today. Now I don't know if you've ever done one of these big shoots before, but don't be nervous. Durkin and I are old friends. He's a sweetheart.
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Now just remember, he's the king, do exactly what he says, and you'll be fine. Tanya:I've been modeling for two years, I've done six magazine covers, and I'm sleeping with Durkin. Gabrielle:Well, I guess you're all set then. (A wardrobe assistant comes over.) Gabrielle:I've got some wardrobe choices. I want to be buried in this dress! Wardrobe Assistant:This is for Tanya. The mom stuff is at the end. Gabrielle:Mom? (Later, Durkin is getting everyone in position for the shoot.) Durkin:Okay, love, let's get the blood pumping! The concept is lock up your daughters. Okay? Get to work, everybody. Tanya, I want you to hover down here on the lawn, looking absolutely delicious. Thank you very much. And up here on the porch, Mom and Dad looking all scandalized. Gabrielle:Excuse me, Durkin? Durkin:Yes, love? Gabrielle:It's Gaby. Gabrielle Marquez. You shot me in Milan, remember? Durkin:Yes! Yes! Lovely to see you again. Did you have a question then? Gabrielle:I do. Aren't you a little worried that I'm gonna pull focus? I mean, it's a little confusing. People are gonna see Tanya, and then they're gonna... See that guy, and they're gonna wonder who I am. Durkin:You're the Mum. Gabrielle:People aren't gonna buy that, so here's what I was thinking. I slap on one of those gowns, I play Tanya's big sister home from college to raise a little hell. Durkin:And we're gonna cram all that on a subtitle, are we? Gabrielle:I'm sorry. Is just, this outfit is hideous! Durkin:Just make it work. Gabrielle:Fine. I just need a moment to get into character. (Later) Durkin:Gabrielle, what's the holdup? We've got to get moving here. Gabrielle:Ready, ready! Durkin:What's that? Gabrielle:Oh, I made it work. I'm hot Mom. (Durkin turns to an assistant.) Durkin:Get me her agent. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Susan, Austin, and Julie are in the kitchen.) Susan:Before we begin, would either of you like some cookies, milk, lemonade, perhaps? Julie:Mom, why are we here? Susan:Ah, cutting to the chase. I like it. I have a confession to make. This whole dating drama has been keeping me up at night, and I hate being the bi*chy, naggy Mom. When it comes to parenting, I am much more comfortable playing the good cop. Do you see where I'm going with this, kids? Julie:No. Susan:Well, in that case. Meet the bad cop. (Carl walks through the front door.) Julie:Daddy! Carl:Hey, baby girl. That the guy? Susan:Yep! Get him. (Later, Susan and Julie watch through the kitchen window as Carl talks to Austin outside.)
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Julie:This is so unfair. Susan:Look, you defied my wishes, you broke my rules. Did you really think I was just gonna throw in the towel? Face it. I outsmarted you. (Carl and Austin come back inside.) Carl:Who's Ian? Susan:What? Carl:You're dating some British guy named Ian. Susan:How did that come up? Austin:I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a big secret. Carl:You know, when you said it was true love with you and the plumber, I was a good guy. I stepped aside, and now you're on to someone else. Susan:Big picture, Karl. His hand up our daughter's shirt. Carl:Don't change the subject! Susan:That is the subject! Carl:How serious is it with this Ian guy? Susan:I don't know! It's complicated. Austin:Yeah, he's kind of married. Carl:He's what? Susan:It's not what you think. Austin:Well, in her defense, his wife is in a coma. Carl:All right, that's it! All right, I forbid you to see this guy! Susan:What? No! I don't take orders from you! Julie:Mom has a point, Dad. You can't tell a woman who she can and can't date. It's her choice. Susan:Exactly. Thank you. Wait, no, that does not apply to you. Carl:You know, if you don't care about my feelings, I don't know what I'm doing here. Susan:Your feelings? My God, you are the worst bad cop ever! Go to your room. Not you! Get back here! Carl:You're under arrest! Susan:No, I'm not! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette and Parker are sitting on the front porch. The twins are playing on the front lawn.) Lynette:Hey, buddy, you've been reading comic books for a while. Don't you wanna go and play? Parker:No, I wanna stay with you. Lynette:Yeah? Okay. (Lynette sees Art across the street and goes over there.) Lynette:Hey, Art. Art:Oh, hey! How are ya? Lynette:Good, uh, listen, as if saving my life wasn't enough, I have a little favor to ask. Art:Sure. What's up? Lynette:My kids are having a hard time. They're pretty freaked out by that whole supermarket thing. (The twins walk by, one of them pointing a play gun at the other as they march along the sidewalk.) Twin:You're my hostage! Twin:Keep moving, or I'll blow your face off! Twin:Okay, it's my turn. Give me the gun. (Lynette turns back to Art.) Lynette:Not so much them.
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Art:Right. Lynette:But my other son, Parker. So. Back to the favor. (Later, Lynette brings Art inside the house where Parker is lying on the couch, reading a comic book.) Lynette:Hey, Parker. I want you to meet our new neighbor, Art. He lives in the house across the street. His sister has the cool wheelchair with the joystick. Art:Hey there, Parker. Parker:Hi. Lynette:In the daytime, Art coaches swimming at the Rec Center, but, please, I can tell Parker? Please? Art:And compromise my secret identity? No way, Mrs. Scavo. No way. Parker:Secret identity? Art:Oh, great, now the cat's out of the bag. Oh, might as well tell him. Lynette:It's okay.You can trust him,really.Art is the one who saved me at the supermarket.He's sort of a superhero. Parker:Give me a break. Art:It's true. Parker:All right, if you're a superhero, what's your name? Art:I'm...Protector Man. Because I protect people from bad guys. You don't believe me, do you? Okay. I really shouldn't do this, but... (He pulls open his shirt to reveal a shirt underneath with a big letter P on it. Parker looks awed.) Parker:Did you really save my Mom? Art:I really did. Lynette:He really did. That's why you don't have to worry. That's Protector Man's job. Your job is to run and play and have fun. Okay? Parker:Okay. Lynette:Okay. (Parker runs out of the room and Lynette looks at Arts T-shirt.) Art:Oh, my cousin went to Purdue. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike walks into his house and finds the detective there.) Mike:What the hell? Detective:Delfino. Nice to see you up and about. Here's our search warrant. Mike:Search warrant? Let me see that. Detective:How we doing? Cop:We couldn't find a toolbox. Detective:The man's a plumber. Keep looking. Cop:Sir, I can't find a thing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Modeling shoot] Marcella:You tired? You, come with me. Gabrielle:Marcella, look, I don't know what they told you, but all I'm asking for is a simple costume change. Marcella:You don't get to pull diva crap. Tanya gets away with it because she's a star. You are nothing. Gabrielle:Where do you get off talking to me like that? I shot thirty-six covers by the time I was twenty! Marcella:Well, you're thirty now. When you make that face, you look thirty-five. Gabrielle:Do you know how many photographers would die to work with me again?
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Marcella:Yeah. Zero. I had to call in major favors just to get you this job. Gabrielle:I don't believe that. Marcella:Well, you know what I don't believe? You gave up a brilliant career to play house in the suburbs, and the minute it falls apart, you come back here expecting a homecoming parade. Well, guess what, sweetie? We've moved on. Now get your polyester ass over there, and act like the pro you used to be. (Later, Durkin is shooting the scene.) Durkin:Beautiful, Tanya. That's it. Chin up. Fantastic! Mother, hold the plate higher. Beautiful, Tanya. Oh, you are gorgeous! Yes, girl! Lovely, lovely! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mrs. McCluskey comes over to Mikes.) Mrs. McCluskey:Hiya, Mike. Welcome home. You remember me? Yeah, I think so. The corner house with all the gnomes out front? You're thinking of Martha Huber. Terrible story. Someone beat her to death, and then buried her in the forest. Ironic, huh? Isn't that where gnomes live? Mike:I don't really know that much about gnomes. Mrs. McCluskey:Anyway, I know the cops were here earlier. Mike:So? Mrs. McCluskey:Well, you won't remember this, but one night two years ago, you drove me to the hospital after I had an attack of angina. Probably saved my life. Anyway, I figure I owe ya. Here. You might wanna wash that wrench off. It's got something on it. (She hands him a toolbox and leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Orson enters the dining room where everyone is already sitting, with dinner in front of them.) Orson:Sorry I'm late. Mrs. Prescott broke a crown and... Gloria:Orson, how well you look. Orson:Hello, mother. (He turns to Bree.) Orson:A word, darling? (They go into the kitchen.) Orson:I can't believe you did this! Bree:And I can't believe you told me that she was senile! You lied to me. Orson:Yes, to spare us the misery of her company. You don't know her, Bree. She's a loathsome woman, and I refuse to break bread with her. Bree:Now you listen to me. That woman gave you life, and the Fifth Commandment tells us to honor our parents no matter how hideous or repellent they may be. Orson:That's not exactly what... Bree:Orson, it's implied! Now get out there and show her some respect! Orson:Fine, but if you expect anything more from me than forced civility, you will be deeply disappointed. (Later, the family is eating dinner.) Gloria:Bree, this salmon is superb. Bree:Well, thank you! It did win me the blue ribbon at the gourmet county cook-off. Gloria:I just love the sauce. What gives it that kick? Bree:You'd never ask a magician how a trick is done. Gloria:You've barely touched your salmon, dear. Is everything okay? Orson:Yes. I was just wondering why you're here.
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Gloria:I want us to be friends. Orson:Okay,let's suppose I just had a massive head injury and believe you.We're pals.Now what do you want? Bree:Orson, why does she have to have an ulterior motive? Gloria:I want out of that home. Orson:Ah, there it is. Gloria:It's a hellhole! Besides, I'm perfectly healthy now. My hip is better, I can handle the stairs, and you said when I got strong enough I'd get to go back to my house. Orson:Oh, here's the thing. I sold it. Gloria:What? Orson:You heard me. Gloria:What about my things? Orson:All gone.Oh,I also sold the car.See, that's the thing about hellholes.They don't pay for themselves. Gloria:How dare you? You had no right! Bree:Okay! Maybe I will share my secret ingredient. Gloria:I should have smothered you in your crib when I had the chance. Bree:Paprika! There, it's out! Orson:That's the mother I remember! I was wondering when she'd show up. Gloria:Yes, Orson, I am your mother, so you more than anyone should know how I deal with betrayal. (She leaves the room.) Andrew:So...can we call her grandma? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Julie walks into Susans room.) Julie:I've got one more load,and then I'm gonna do my homework.Do you have anything you want me to throw in? Susan:No, I'm good. Thanks. Julie:Mom, listen. I know I've put you through the wringer lately, and...I'm sorry. Susan:Sixteen years of being perfect. You were due. Julie:That's what I don't get. You've always trusted my judgment. Why can't you trust me about Austin? Susan:Relationships have nothing to do with good judgment. It doesn't matter how smart you are. You can still get hurt. You do your homework. I'm gonna finish the laundry. Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's house] Cop:There you go, Mrs. Hodge.All right.(turns to Orson) Can I use your bathroom, just... Orson:Come on in. (Gloria is sitting in her car. Bree goes out and talks to her through the open window of the car door.) Bree:Please, stay for dessert. I'll work on Orson, and we'll discuss this together. Gloria:You saw what he sentenced me to...a room no better than a furnished coffin.I have nothing to say to him. Bree:Well, then talk to me. I know you're upset, but don't shut me out. Please. Please, Gloria, let me in. (Gloria unlocks the car door. Bree gets in.) Bree:Well, I didn't mean it literally, but okay. We'll, um, we'll sit together. And we'll talk. (Gloria starts the car and begins driving.) Bree:What are you doing? Gloria:I'm not going back to that place.
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Bree:Gloria, stop! (Gloria crashes the car.) Orson:Let's get my mother back to the home, shall we? Cop:Not that it's any of my business, but, is everything okay with you folks? Orson:Oh, yeah, there was a little tension earlier, but I think it's all been resolved. (Later, Bree and Orson are talking in the living room while a cop tends to Gloria, who is sitting at the kitchen table.) Cop:Oh, what the hell? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Orson:No, I absolutely forbid it! Bree:Just for a few weeks till we find a place where she'll be happier. You should've heard her in the car. She's absolutely miserable in that nursing home. Orson:I don't care. My mother's not moving in here till she fits in a jar on the mantle. Bree:How can you be so cold? Orson:You don't know who she is. I've worked my entire life to get away from that woman. Bree:Why? What could she possibly have done to make you hate her so much? Orson:Look, there is nothing to be gained by dredging up the past. Bree:Orson, if there's something I should know. (Gloria comes up to them.) Gloria:Could I speak to my son a moment? Bree:Of course. (Bree leaves them alone.) Gloria:So you know, I've decided to accept your wife's kind invitation. Orson:I won't allow it. Gloria:Oh, I think you will. We're going to end our quarrel right now, or I'll tell your wife what it's about. Orson:You wouldn't. Gloria:Just try me. I gave you life. You know I won't hesitate to take it away. Now give mother a kiss. Orson:Why in the hell would I wanna do that? Gloria:To make it look real. (Orson leans over and kisses his mother on the cheek. Bree, watching from the other room, smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle gets out of a cab with her luggage and runs into Susan, whos jogging down the sidewalk.) Susan:Hey, you're back! I'd give you a hug, but I'm really sweaty. So how was New York? Gabrielle:Oh, it was fine. Susan:Bree said you got a job on the first day. You're such a star! I want details. Gabrielle:You know,just hours and hours of sitting around,looking pretty.But I think I'm done with modeling. Susan:So you're not gonna move to New York? Gabrielle:Well, if something great comes up, I might fly out, but I'm pretty settled here. Susan:Oh, thank God! We were all so worried we were losing you. Okay, now I'm hugging you. Oh, it's amazing. Your life is such an adventure. Can't wait to see what you do next. Gabrielle:Yeah, me, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Art's house] (Lynette knocks on the door of Arts house. Shes holding a cake and Parker is with her. The door is unlocked,
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so she goes inside.) Parker:Okay. Mr. Protector Man? Lynette:Shh! That's a secret. Hello? Hello? Parker:Ah, sweet! Mom, look! (He turns on a toy train that begins to move around its track, leading into another room.) Lynette:Hey, don't touch anything. I'm just gonna write a note, and then we'll go. Parker:Okay. Lynette:Parker? Hey! Come back here! Honey? Come on, we're leaving. Parker. Parker, come on, we're leaving. Why didn't you come when I called? (She finds Parker in the basement, where hes playing a pinball machine. The entire room is filled with games and toys to appeal to young boys. Lynette finds, in the corner, an entire wall with pictures of young boys, all with their shirts off.) Parker:Superhero houses are great! Lynette:Parker, come on, we're gonna get out of here. Parker:Why? Lynette:Oh, I just say so. Come on. Mary Alice Voiceover:There are so many things we wish we could tell the young. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:We'd like to persuade them not to grow up so fast, but they won't listen. (Susan looks out her window to see Austin and Julie talking in the yard, faces close together.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Modeling Shoot] Mary Alice Voiceover:We want to tell them that beauty fades, but they refuse to believe it. {Marcella is watching Tanya being photographed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:We warn them that their actions will have consequences, but still they defy us. (On the porch, Gloria smiles at Orson, who's unloading boxes from the car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House] Mary Alice Voiceover:Sadly, the young can't begin to understand the world is a dangerous place. So it's up to us to do anything we can to protect them... (Lynette watches her boys play in the yard. She sees that across the street, an Adventure Scout has gone up to Art.) Girl:What if I told you there is a way you could help children..." Mary Alice Voiceover:...absolutely anything. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X09: Beautiful Girls -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives...
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Mary Alice Voiceover:Wisteria Lane's new hero... Lynette:Hello? Parker:Superhero houses are great! Mary Alice Voiceover:...turned out to be anything but. Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson's mother took up residence... Gloria:I've decided to accept your wife's kind invitation. Orson:You wouldn't. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Mike couldn't remember... Detective:No memory, huh?That's convenient. Mary Alice Voiceover:...anything at all. Detective Ridley:Here's our search warrant. Cop:We couldn't find a toolbox. Mrs. McCluskey:You might want to wash that wrench off.It's got something on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside a restaurant] (Susan and Ian are outside of a fancy restaurant.) Susan:I'm just saying that we never spend the night at your house. Ian:But your place is so warm and cozy. Susan:Oh, it's also a disaster area. I didn't get a chance to clean it today. (Susans heel comes off her shoe.) Susan:Oops! Ian:Oh, here, let me. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan Mayer had never thought of herself as Cinderella,but then one day...a prince showed up. Ian:Well, we can't have you sleeping in squalor, can we? My place it is. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Susan realized her life had become a fairy tale. And since her prince had welcomed her into his castle, she felt the least she could do was thank him...again...and again...and again. The next morning, however, Susan discovered castles...don't run themselves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's house] (Susan is sleeping in a bed when a butler stands by the bed and coughs discreetly.) Susan: All right, oh...but let's make it a quickie 'cause you are wasting water. (She rolls over and sees the butler, letting out a shriek.) Rupert:Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Susan:Who are you? Rupert:I am Rupert. I work for Mr. Hainsworth. That would be the man you slept with, in case names weren't exchanged. Susan:Oh, no, I'm your boss' girlfriend. Surely he mentioned me. Rupert:Mm, not that I recollect. (Ian comes into the room.) Ian:Rupert. Rupert:Good morning, boss. Ian:I thought you were off today. Isn't... Isn't your sister in town? Rupert:Uh, that's next weekend, sir. It's a good thing, too. Otherwise, I might not have had the pleasure of meeting your...girlfriend. Ian:Susan? Yes, we met at the, um, at the hospital. Why don't I fetch you a robe?
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Susan:Loving that idea. Rupert:Would you care for some breakfast? Omelet? Strawberry tart? Brioche? Susan:Um, yeah, that sounds great. You pick. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Susan's life had indeed become a fairy tale. Rupert:You are aware there is a Mrs. Hainsworth? Susan:Well, of course. Mary Alice Voiceover:And what's a fairy tale... Rupert:Tart it is. Mary Alice Voiceover:without a dragon to slay? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:We know dangerous men walk among us. What we can't be sure of is who they are or where they hide. So the most we can offer any stranger is reasonable doubt. But once the doubt is gone, people are anything but reasonable. [Police Station] (Tom and Lynette are talking with a cop at the police station.) Lynette:I am telling you, our neighbor is a pedophile, and I expect you to do something about it. Cop:Mrs. Scavo, he's not listed on any sex offender registry. He's never had so much as a traffic ticket. Lynette:He's a single man with a basement full of toys! Cop:I understand your concern, but we can't book a guy on possession of toys. Lynette:You don't get it. His house had this creepy vibe. Tell him, Tom. Tom:I never went down to the actual room... Lynette:Okay, he wasn't there. He doesn't know. Look, he had a wall full of pictures of half-naked boys in swimsuits. Cop:Didn't you say he was a swim coach? Lynette:What are you, his lawyer? You have to admit, it's odd. Cop:Here's what's odd...if your neighbor had something to hide,why'd he invite you in to see all of his stuff? Lynette:He wasn't technically home when I went inside. Cop:So you broke in? Lynette:The door was open...I was bringing him a cake. Cop:A cake? Lynette:It was a thank you cake. He sort of saved my life. Tom:She didn't know that he was a pedophile when she baked the actual cake. Lynette:He doesn't care about the cake, Tom. Tom:Why are you snapping at me? Lynette:I'm not snapping at you. Tom:You're totally snapping. Lynette:I am snapping because there is a monster across the street, and Barney Fife here is making me sound like the bad guy! (She leaves.) Tom:Look, I'm sorry. She's been under a lot of stress, hasn't slept well. Lynette (from the other room):You better not be apologizing for me! Tom:Gotta go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house]
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(Gabrielle is trying on outfits that Vern, her personal shopper, brought over.) Vern:So, I've got some fabulous news. Gabrielle:Well, I hope it's more fabulous than this dress. I look like something Ike Turner would hit. Vern:You're gonna have to find yourself another personal shopper. Gabrielle:What, I slam one dress, and you quit on me? Vern:No, that's my news. I'm leaving the store and starting my own business. Beauty by Vern. Gabrielle:You're opening up a salon? God, could you get any gayer? Vern:It's a consulting firm for beauty pageant contestants. And the answer's yes. This week, I'm coaching little girls for the Miss Snowflake pageant. It's very rewarding. Hey, you know what might be fun? If you come down and give a talk. You know, give the kids some pointers. Gabrielle:Vern, I worked the catwalks in Milan and Paris. I'm not gonna give makeup tips to little miss training bra. Vern:You have been in rare bi*ch form. It's been months now, so don't blame it on your cycle. Gabrielle:Don't call me a bi*ch, and stop tracking my cycle. I told you that freaks me out. Vern:I'm just saying you've been very cranky today. What's going on? Gabrielle:The divorce decree came through today. Carlos is officially out of my life. Vern:Oh, honey. The girls' ages range 8 to 12. We meet every Thursday in the rec room of the Elks Lodge. Gabrielle:I'm not doing it. Vern:You need a project. That's your problem, you're bored. And you know what the cure for that is..."helping others". Gabrielle:Fine. I'll do it, But I want this dress for free. Vern:Evil! You said you hated it. Gabrielle:And I hate helping others, too, but I'm doing that, aren't I? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's house] (Susan enters the bedroom after her shower, wrapped up only in a towel with another towel wrapped around her hair.) Susan:Is the coast clear? I don't wanna flash the help again. Ian:Relax. He's making breakfast. But you're more than welcome to flash me. Susan:How long has Rupert worked for you? Ian:Oh, for years. He's practically family. Susan:So you're that close, and you never told him about me? Ian:Yes, about that...Rupert was incredibly devoted to Jane. He's, uh, never seen me with another woman, let alone a frisky, naked one. Susan: Well, that explains why he was a little cold to me this morning. Ian:Was he? I'll have a talk with him. Susan:Oh, no, don't do that. That'll just make it worse. I get it. He loved Jane. He doesn't know me. You know, I'll just have to charm him, warm him up a little. (She bends over to take the towel out of her hair. Rupert comes into the room and being faced with a bent-over Susan, promptly turns around and leaves again.) Ian:Well, I'm, uh, I'm sure you'll find a way. Susan:Great. Nine oclock in the morning, and I have to put on a slinky, black cocktail dress. Hey, here's an idea. You keep some things in a drawer at my house. Would it be okay if I had one here? Ian:A drawer? Do you think we'll be here that often? Susan:Your shower has six power nozzles. With or without you, I'll be back.
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Ian:Well, then by all means, let's get you a drawer. Susan:I don't need much. One of those will do. Ian:Actually, that's not a good idea. Rupert arranges things meticulously. You'll never win him over if you mess with his system. Rupert? (Rupert comes back into the room.) Susan:Wow! Your timing's perfect. Rupert:Not always. Ian:Susan will be needing a drawer. Rupert:A drawer, sir? Ian:Yes, for her things. She's gonna be spending more time here. Susan:Yeah, Rupe, I hope we can be good friends, 'cause you're gonna be seeing lots more of me. Rupert:Oh, madam, that hardly seems possible. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Bree:Mother Hodge, your food will get cold! Gloria:Why, please, is there a lock on the liquor cabinet? Bree:Because your doctor says people taking your medication shouldn't drink. A warning you've chosen to ignore if the...lipstick on the vodka bottle is any indication. Gloria:Poached fish again? I don't want this. I want what you're all having. Bree:Well, your doctor has you on a low fat, low sodium diet. Eight meals this week, eight times I've told you the same thing. So, who would like to say grace? Gloria:Allow me. Dear Lord, I thank you for this bland, indifferently prepared meal, and beseech you to ignite some spark of compassion in my coldhearted daughter-in-law. That she might show some shred of mercy to me, her wretched captive. Amen. Orson:Mother, may I remind you, you asked to come here? Gloria:I didn't know I'd be trading one jail for another. At least at the home you could bribe the orderlies to smuggle things in, but here, nothing gets past the commandant. Bree:I have done everything I can to make you happy and comfortable. What do you want from us? Gloria:I want my freedom. I want out of this perky little gulag and into a house I can call my own. And you're going to buy it for me. Orson:I can't afford to buy you a house. Gloria:You can't afford not to. I know a house won't be easy to swing, but how many more of these Edward Albee dinners do you want to sit through? (Later, Orson and Bree talk.) Bree:What did she mean by, you can't afford not to? Was she threatening you with something? Orson:Yes, she's threatening to make us miserable till we cave. Look, at least see if Edie has any cheap listings. We'll be happier, my mother will be happier... Bree:Yeah, and she'll take terrible care of herself and be dead in a year. Orson:You just stole my next argument. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house - nighttime] (Edie is sitting at Mikes table, going through his bills. Mike looks out the window where the detective is keeping surveillance on Mikes house from his car parked on the street.) Edie:Okay, you've got enough money to pay either the phone or the cable bill, but not both. Hello? Mike. I'm trying to help you here. Mike:Oh, I'm sorry. Just do whatever you want.
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Edie:Fine. Cable it is. Nobody calls you anyway. (He goes outside and goes up to the detective.) Mike:What do you want? Detective:My toilet's clogged. I thought maybe you could fix it. Oh, wait, you can't, can you? 'Cause you don't have any tools. Must be tough being a plumber without tools. Mike:Why don't you people leave me the hell alone? Detective:Jeez, you sure are hostile for a guy who makes his living in the service industry. (Mike goes back inside.) Edie:You know, it just occurred to me, there's no point in paying the cable bill if you're not gonna have electricity. So I'm thinking pay the electricity upfront and... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (Vern meets Gabrielle outside the room.) Vern:Where have you been? They're all waiting for you. Gabrielle:I'm here to teach fashion, so I'm fashionably late. Vern:Cute. Now remember, these mothers have refinanced their trailers in order to pay for this, so when you make your entrance, for God sakes, sparkle. (Gabrielle is backstage while Vern introduces her.) Vern:Now in addition to her three Vogue covers, you may remember her as the face of La Roque cosmetics. Please welcome miss Gabrielle Marquez! (Gabrielle walks out front, smiling.) Gabrielle:Vern? A moment. (They go backstage.) Vern:Is there a problem? Gabrielle:Yes! What am I supposed to do with that petting zoo out there? Vern:Not everyone wins the genetic lottery like you did. These girls need help finding the promised land of beauty and style. Please, Gabrielle, be their Moses. Gabrielle:Good comparison, because it's gonna take a miracle to turn these mutts into show dogs. (She goes back out front.) Gabrielle:Hey, girls, let's talk beauty. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Theres a knock on Mikes door. When he answers it, its Carlos, who walks in without asking.) Carlos:What's up, brother? Mike:I'm sorry. You are... Carlos:Carlos from down the street. We were only best friends, dude. Mike:Things have been a little fuzzy since the accident. Carlos:I'm sorry that I, uh, I hadn't come by sooner, but my divorce has been kicking my ass. Mike:I'm sorry to hear that. Carlos:Anyway,I got a new condo,but it's getting renovated,so I was thinking maybe I could crash here. Mike:Here? Carlos:Yeah, I could help you out around the house, and free you up to focus on job one, getting better. 'Cause you're tossing it to Edie now, right? That's a real relationship killer, needing your lady to hoist you off the can. Mike:How long are we talking? Carlos:Couple months. Three at the most. And, of course, I can kick in for half the utilities and rent.
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Mike:Well, how can I say no to my best friend? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette is looking out her window, watching as the neighborhood kids play.) Kid:Can you do a kickflip? Lynette:What are the Blake kids doing all the way over here? Pam needs to keep a closer eye on them. Tom:Will you please come away from that window? You barely slept last night. Come on. Lynette:Take a nap. Tom:I'm fine. I'm fine. Lynette:Hold on. (She sees Art coming toward the house and she goes outside to meet him. He hands her the plate she had used for the cake she baked him.) Lynette:Hey, what's up? Art:I've been meaning to get this back to you, and to thank you.Rebecca and I really enjoyed the cake. Lynette:Oh! Good. Art:So... Lynette:Bye. Art:So what'd you think of our place? Lynette:Sorry? Art:I heard you were good friends with the Young family.It must have been weird being in there with all the new furniture. Lynette:I didn't notice. Art:Well, how about the kitchen? Rebecca likes the color, but I'm not so sure. Lynette:Oh, sorry. Never made it past the living room. Art:What?! Come on! You're in an empty house, curious about your new neighbors...You look around. We all do it. Lynette:Well, I don't. Art:Well, next time you're over, I'll have to give you the tour. Lynette:Great, great. (Parker comes running over to them.) Parker:Mr. Protector man! Lynette:Hey, hey, not now, Parker. Parker:I just wanted to see if I can play his pinball machine again. (Art looks at Lynette.) Art:I guess there's no need for that tour. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] Gabrielle:All right, girls, first things first things first. If you can't walk, you can't win. Hit it, Vern! (He turns on some music.) Gabrielle:Remember, eyes forward, shoulders back, hips square. Look left, look right, whip and walk. Yes, I'm unbelievable. Close your mouths. (One of the young girls gets on the stage and walks down the runway, trying to imitate Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:Stop, stop. Isabel:What? My eyes were forward, my hips were square. Gabrielle:But where's your confidence? Where's your pride? Isabel:Come on. What do I have to be proud of?
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Gabrielle:Have you guys ever seen a runway model without the hot clothes and makeup? Well, trust me, they're not that special, But the one thing that they do have is attitude. You have to believe in yourself, and if not, pretend to believe in yourself, okay? Isabel:All right. Gabrielle:Now I want you to pretend you're on the runwayflashbulbs are popping, everyone's looking at you, envying you, and they're all thinking the same thing...Isabel Horowitz is smoking hot! Go, Isabel! Go! You're doing it! Isabel, you're doing it! That's it! Keep going! Isabel:I was walking! Gabrielle:You were totally walking! Good job! All right, Donna, you're next. Get up there and make me hate your beauty. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[House For Sale] Edie:Now this place is a real diamond in the rough. Cozy little two-bedroom plus den, with a highly motivated seller. Bree:Oh, look, a highly motivated cockroach. Edie:Let's try to be positive,people.It's a fabulous location.Just walking distance to all sorts of fun shops. Bree:Right, from here I can see a bail bondsman and an adult bookshop. Edie:What do you expect in your price range, Tara? Orson:Let's go. Bree:Thank you. Gloria:Wait. I'm not an impractical woman. I know that my son's resources are...like his achievements, rather limited. I want to see the rest of it. Edie:Okay. Now the lighting in the kitchen is a bit harsh. The previous owner...well, let's just say he ran some sort of home-based medical business. (Edie continues to show Gloria the house while Bree talks with Orson.) Bree:You cannot let your mother move into this neighborhood. It's filled with junkies and who*es. Orson:And we'll owe them all an apology, but who cares? She likes it. Bree:Of course she likes it. There's a 24-hour liquor store across the street. Orson:She wants a house. This is the best we can afford without bankrupting ourselves. Bree:Orson, what if something should happen to her? Orson:Stop worrying about her. Worry about us. Do you realize how much we've been fighting since she came? The woman's ruined every relationship that's mattered to me, and she's doing it again. (From the kitchen, they hear Gloria cry out.) Edie:Oh,my God! Bree:Are you all right? Orson:Oh! Mother? Edie:It's just a little spill. Her cane hit a loose tile. Bree:Is anything broken? Gloria:Well, obviously, the damn floor. Orson:We'll need that fixed before she moves in. Bree:Are you insane? She obviously can't be on her own. Orson:Why, it's a loose tile. Gloria:I'm perfectly fine. Bree:And what if you weren't? What if she had broken something and she was lying here for hours? You are coming home with us.
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Orson:Bree... Bree:And I will not hear another word on the subject. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (The girls and Gabrielle are taking a lunch break by eating pizza.) Donna:I can't believe you bought us pizza. Gabrielle:Well, you guys earned it. But eat fast, because we only have one hour left, and I want to introduce you to your new best friend, Mr. Spray Tan. Girl:You know so much cool stuff. Can't you come back another day? Gabrielle:Oh, I don't know. Girl:Please? Girl:You have to. Gabrielle:Well,let me check my book.I might have to move some stuff around,but I think I can swing it. Isabel:Your life must be so exciting, huh? Gabrielle:Yeah, every day's a parade. Girl:So what was it like being a famous model? Gabrielle:Honestly, it was like any other job, except the pay was great, the clothes were couture, and the parties were just this side of Gomorrah. You don't know what Gomorrah means, do you? Good. Isabel:Did you know Kate Moss? Gabrielle:I invited her to a party once. Donna:Did you eat pizza with her? 'Cause if you did, it's almost like we ate pizza with her. Gabrielle:Well,honey,most models don't eat pizza. Well, at least not without having a finger for dessert. Girl:Gross. Gabrielle:I know.I never did that.You would not believe the horrible things these girls did to stay skinny. Girl:Like what? Gabrielle:Well, some would smoke those unfiltered French cigarettes. Donna:But cigarettes can kill you. Gabrielle:But before they do, they kill your appetite. One time, there was a girl who took too many laxatives, and, uh...well, if you're ever at the Chateau Milan in room two thirty-eight, do not use the Jacuzzi. Isabel:Do you have to be skinny to be a model? Gabrielle:Well, yeah. When's the last time you saw a fat person on a magazine cover? Now I'm gonna go talk to Vern about our next session. You guys finish lunch so we can get back to work. (She leaves and the girls look at each other, then one by one, put their half-eaten slices of pizza back in the pizza box.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's house] Susan:Hi, Rupert! I went to the mall and bought a change of clothes for the weekend, and while I was there, I got something for you. I thought you could wear it on your day off. Do you like it? (She holds up a shirt with the British flag on it.) Rupert:Very much. It'll come in handy, should my nationality ever slip my mind. Susan:That was good. You. I wanna party with you. Hey, I was thinking this afternoon maybe we could go look for that drawer. Rupert:Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm afraid I have all this silver to polish. Susan:Well, let me help you, and we can talk. There is so much I wanna know about you. Who is Rupert Cavanaugh? What makes him tick? (She picks up a piece of silverware and begins to polish it. He grabs it from her and stands up.)
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Rupert:Tell you what. Let's go find you that drawer, hmm? Susan:Oh, isn't the master bedroom down that way? Rupert:I realize it's a bit of a jaunt, but I managed to find you an entire bureau. Susan:Okay, well, you certainly didn't have to go to all that trouble. (They enter a room thats filled haphazardly with dusty furniture.) Rupert:Is there a problem? Susan:No, I just, um...well, all I really needed was just a little... little drawer, and, uh...this is just so far away and what is that smell? Rupert:Oh, yes, about that. The cat passed away in this room. Susan:Did you consider removing the body? Rupert:Well, if this isn't acceptable, I can look elsewhere for a drawer when I have the time. Susan:Why do you have to be this way? Rupert:What way is that? Susan:Listen, I know how you feel about Jane, but if you could just give me a chance...I mean, come on, you can't possibly hate me this much, can you? Rupert:I'm done. Susan:Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. Rupert:I don't need you to like me, but I think you should give me just a little respect. Susan:I am Ian's girlfriend. Rupert:He's still married. At best, you're his mistress. Susan:Okay, you are not allowed to call me that. Rupert:Fine. What term would you prefer? Concubine? Consort? Gold-digging who*e? (She slaps him.) Susan:I'm so sorry. I'm, I shouldn't have done that. But, Rupert, you have to admit, it's just a drawer. Rupert:Those drawers are filled with Jane's things. This is her house. You are a guest in her house, and a temporary one at best. Susan:Okay, you know, that is for Ian to decide. Rupert:Oh,he has decided.Why do you think he never told me about you?Why did he wait so long to bring you here?He didn't want you in that room,where he still keeps Jane's things exactly as she left them. Susan:But... Rupert:I'll keep looking for that drawer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette and the boys are in the living room when Tom walks in.) Tom:Hey, I'm going over to Mike's. Lynette:I thought you were gonna mow the lawn. Tom:I know. It's just that I promised I'd help him install a shower bar, and, um, it could take a while. Lynette:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house] (Tom goes inside where Carlos is watching the football game.) Carlos:T-Rex. How they hanging, brother? Tom:Low and lazy. Carlos:Here you go. Tom:Yeah. Hey, if Lynette asks, I installed your shower bar today. Mike:Got it.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle:Vern, what are you doing here? Vern:We need to talk. Gabrielle:Is it about the girls' makeup? 'Cause I got them each their own makeup kit, custom-tailored to match their skin tone. And I got Melina some wax. I know she's only eleven, but those Greek genes are gonna kick in any day now. What? Vern:This morning, Mrs. Hayes caught Donna her finger down her throat, trying to barf up her toaster waffle. Gabrielle:Really? Vern:And Mrs. Horowitz found Isabel behind their garage smoking. Apparently, she thought cigarettes would help her lose a few pounds. Where do you think she got that idea? Gabrielle:Those damn tobacco companies! Vern:Gaby! Gabrielle:Fine, I may have told a few stories about the old days, but as a warning. I didn't say anything inappropriate for kids. Vern:Cassie Warren asked her mother if she could throw a Gomorrah party. Gabrielle:Okay,look, we have to do damage control. I get it. Next session, I'll apologize to all the moms. Vern:Uh-uh, there's not gonna be a next session for you. The moms don't want you anywhere near their daughters. Gabrielle:But I'm helping them.They love me!Wait,please,Vern,you have to give me a chance to fix this. Vern:It's too late, Gaby. You are now officially a bad influence. Well, see you at spin class. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette is sleeping on the couch as the kids play in the living room. Parker gets up to leave.) Twin:Mom said we couldn't leave. Parker:I'm just going out front. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house] (Carlos and Tom are watching the football game. Mike is off to the side, looking pensive.) Carlos (at the TV):What the hell is that? Stop running the ball! Mike:Can I ask you guys something? What was I like before the accident? Carlos:What do you mean? Mike:I mean, what kind of guy was I? Was I happy? Was I angry? Did I ever get violent? Carlos:You were fine. Mike:I'm serious. I really need to know. You can be honest. You're my best friend. Carlos:Honestly? You were sort of mysterious, kept to yourself. Nobody really knew you all that well. Tom:And this is coming from your best friend. Carlos:Yeah, yeah, yeah! Tom:Yes! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette wakes up.) Lynette:I'm sorry, guys, I just...I guess I was really tired. Where's your brother? Twin:He went outside. Twin:Yeah. Lynette:What...okay, watch her!
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(She indicates Penny, whos on the couch.) Lynette:Watch her. I'll be back. I'll be right back. (She runs outside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Arts house] (Lynette starts pounding on the front door of Arts house.) Lynette:Hello? Open up! Open the door! Art:Lynette? What's the matter? Lynette:I want my son. Art:He's not here. Lynette:He's not at our house, he's not in our yard. Do not jerk me around. (She pushes past Art to go into his house.) Lynette:Parker! Art:You can't just barge into my house like this, Lynette. Lynette:Don't play dumb with me. I know exactly what is down here! Where's the pinball? Where's all the games? Art:Oh, that was a collection I was taking up for the children's hospital.I delivered everything yesterday. Lynette:Did you donate the photos, too? Parker! Art:What exactly is it you're accusing me of? Lynette:Don't pretend you don't know. I'm calling the police. Parker! (Rebecca, in her wheelchair, comes into the room.) Rebecca:Is there a problem? Lynette:You're damn right there's a problem. I can't find my son. Rebecca:Isn't that your son? (She points out the window to their front lawn. Lynette runs outside where Tom and Parker are crossing the street.) Lynette:Hey, hey! Where have you been? Tom:We were at Mike's. He wandered over looking for me. What's going on? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Tom hangs up the phone.) Tom:Well, that was the children's hospital. Art's story checks out. He donated all that stuff. Lynette:That proves nothing. He knew I was on to him. He had to dump it someplace. Tom:Honey, believe me, I am with you. There is something fishy about this guy. But you gotta get a grip. You can't go barging into people's homes. Lynette:What if Parker had been in there? Tom:But he wasn't. And if you keep accusing this guy without proof, he can sue us. Listen...I've been thinking that after everything that you have been through... Lynette:Please don't bring up the supermarket again. Tom:That was a traumatic experience. I think it's affected you more than you realize. And maybe you need to talk to somebody about it...like a therapist. Lynette:You're right. I need to talk to someone. (Later, Lynette is sitting outside her house on a bench, talking with Mrs. McCluskey.) Lynette:He'd gotten rid of everything...the toys, the pictures, everything was gone. Mrs. McCluskey:You can't sit on this, Lynette. Lynette:I know! If something happened to someone's kid because I kept my mouth shut...the thing is, I
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promised Tom I'd back off. Mrs. McCluskey:Well, I didn't. (She picks up a portable phone and dials a number.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ians house] (Susan is looking at Janes clothing in the drawers in Ians bedroom.) Susan:Jane has some beautiful things. Ian:Yes, she's always had impeccable taste. I, um, I know how it must seem to you. My holding on to them. But I just couldn't bring myself to... Susan:I get it. As much as I have tried to pretend that it's just you and me. There's three of us in this relationship. Ian:Susan, you know I adore you. Susan:No, please, listen...the last couple of months, I thought we've gotten really close, and I have been loving that. I just feel like lately...there's this limit to how far you'll let me in. Ian:Well, I'm trying. It's just the, um, the more I let you into my heart, the more I feel I'm pushing Jane out and... Susan:You don't have to push Jane out to let me in. Ian:Of course. You're right. Do you know what I think? Susan:No. Ian:That kind of compassionate wisdom deserves an obscenely expensive meal. Susan:Okay, well, give me a minute, and I will change into something nice. Ian:Rupert still hasn't found you a drawer? Susan:No, not just yet. Ian:Well, in that case... Susan:Ian, you don't have to do that. Ian:If I can make room in my heart for both of you, I can certainly make room in my bureau. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] (Bree, Orson, Danielle, and Andrew are eating dinner.) Bree:It's just not right. Your mother skipped lunch, too. Orson:She said she wasn't hungry. Can't we just revel in her absence? Bree:I know she's a handful, but she deserves some compassion. The woman watched a dream die yesterday. I'm taking her dinner up. Andrew:Oh, that's okay. I'll do it. Bree:Oh, no, I'd rather do it myself. I wanna talk to her. Andrew:Oh, well, I'll let her know you're coming. (He rushes upstairs to where Gloria is sitting in her room, drinking from a bottle of wine.) Andrew:Mom's coming. Ditch the wine. Gloria:Very well. (She drinks the rest of the wine straight from the bottle.) Andrew:You finished the whole bottle already? Gloria:I was... thirsty. (Bree enters.) Bree:Gloria, I've been thinking and... Gloria:Does no one in this house ever bother to knock? Bree:Is that alcohol? Where did you get that?
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(Gloria looks over to Andrew.) Bree:Andrew! Andrew:When my grandma asks me a favor with tears in her eyes, how... Gloria:Oh,shut up, you little extortionist. He charged me twenty bucks, plus five for the corkscrew. Bree:I'll deal with you later. Andrew:You can kiss that codeine good-bye. (Later, Orson has joined Bree and Gloria.) Bree:Andrew brought her wine. Orson:Oh, for God's sake. This is our house. If you expect to stay here, you're going to learn to obey a few rules. Gloria:I don't obey rules. I make them. Orson:Not anymore, mother. Gloria:Just watch yourself, sonny boy. Bree:Okay, look, I know you're upset, but don't blame Orson. It's not his fault. Gloria:It's all his fault. You think he's so wonderful. You don't know the half of what he's done. Orson:Let's go. I can't deal with her when she's like this. Gloria:He doesn't want you to hear the truth, how he cheated on Alma. Bree:What? Orson:She's drunk! Gloria:How he broke her heart...and mine, all for his precious Monique. Orson:You shut up, mother. Bree:Monique Polier? I thought that was Harvey Bigsby's mistress. Gloria:Oh, she got around, that girl! Orson:See, I told you. I told you she would do this. Gloria:There he was, cheating on Alma, not knowing all the time his who*e was cheating on him. Orson:Stop it! You shut your evil mouth! Gloria:Or what? What are you gonna do to me that hasn't already been done? Orson:Bree...Bree! Bree, no! Bree, wait! Bree! (Bree runs out the front door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (The girls are gathered around a table with clothing on it while the mothers are gathered together, chatting.Gabrielle walks in.) Girls:Miss Gabrielle! Mother:What is she doing here? Vern:I have no idea. I told her she was banned. Gabrielle:Okay,just give me a minute.I'm sorry about what I said to the girls,and it won't happen again. Mother:Damn right. You're not going anywhere near our girls. Gabrielle:Can't you give me a second chance? Mother:Why should we? Mother:Yeah, I mean, you walk in here all clickety-clack, perfect little miss size zero, thinking you're all better than us. Mother:We all saw the look on your face when you showed up. Gabrielle:I don't think I'm better than you. Hell, I envy you. Mother:Please.
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Gabrielle:No, it's true. You have husbands and families and a reason to wake up in the morning. What do I have? Him. Teaching your kids about confidence and beauty is the most useful thing I've done since...I don't know when. And as much as I've helped them... They've helped me so much more. So please, I need this. And I promise, no more talk about dodgy weight loss methods. Like the highly effective, non-F.D.A. approved diet pill I can get from my friends in Zurich...in bulk. Mother:Well, I suppose the Christian thing would be to forgive her. Gabrielle:Well, why don't you ladies talk it over? And I'm gonna work on posture with the girls. Mother:Yeah! Come on! Gabrielle:Come on, you guys. Let's go! Mother:As long as they're safe... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - nighttime] (Orson comes inside the house and finds Bree waiting for him.) Orson:Oh, thank God. I've been driving around all night looking for you. Bree:We saw that woman at the morgue...on our wedding night. You pretended not to know her. Orson:Bree, I can explain. Bree:No. I'm done. Orson:You don't understand what happened. Bree:There were two women in your life before me. One vanished, and the other was killed. That's all I need to understand. I've packed some of your things. I want you out of the house. Now. Orson:Bree...please...I love you. Bree:I know...but it scares the hell out of me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's House] (Orson leaves the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Dangerous men walk among us, and we can't always be sure of who they are or what secrets they hide. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Art jogs down the street, passing by Mrs. McCluskey's house. She dials a number on her cell phone.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But once our worst suspicions are confirmed, we can take action. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Ian's House] (Rupert makes the bed. Susan walks in and opens her drawer, removing an item of clothing.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Once their agendas are revealed...we can take steps, to protect ourselves, and those we love. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Woods] (Mike gets out of his truck.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, dangerous men can cause great harm. But sometimes the greatest danger they pose... (Mike begins digging a hole. A flashlight shines in his face and the detective steps forward.) Detective Ridley: I'll take those. Mary Alice Voiceover:...is to themselves. ~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives 3X10: The Miracle Song -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson's wife Alma disappeared... Mary Alice Voiceover:Gaby found a new calling... Gabrielle:Yes, I'm unbelievable.Close your mouths. Mary Alice Voiceover:Someone new moved in... Lynette:He's a bachelor who lives with his invalid sister. Mary Alice Voiceover:But Lynette found a dark secret... Lynette:Our neighbor is a pedophile. Mrs. McCluskey:You can't sit on this, Lynette. Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson's mother revealed his past... Gloria:He cheated on Alma,broke her heart.For his precious Monique. Bree:Monique Polier? Mary Alice Voiceover:And the police couldn't find the evidence... Detective:We couldn't find a toolbox. Detective Ridley:The man's a plumber. Mary Alice Voiceover:Until Mike tried to hide it. Detective Ridley:I'll take those. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Block Party] (Neighbors set up the block party.) Mary Alice Voiceover:The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, including Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around. (Mrs. McCluskey comes up to Edie.) Mrs. McCluskey: Hey, did you hear about the new guy that just moved in? Well, get a load of this. (Carlos and Mike, carrying folding chairs, walk together to the block party.) Carlos: Apparently, the perv's got all this weird stuff in his basement. (Austin and Julie, carrying food, walk together to the block party.) Austin: No, seriously. It's like this big kiddie trap full of toys. Mary Alice Voiceover:By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance. (At the block party, Art and Rebecca show up, dressed as Santa and an elf, respectively.) Art:Ho ho ho! Look who's here! Merry Christmas, everybody! (Ida Greenberg waves at him.) Ida: Merry Christmas! Mrs. McCluskey:Don't do that! (Mrs. McCluskey grabs her arm and whispers to her.) Art:Now, kids, who's been good this year?
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(Everyone is silent. No one comes forward to take the presents Art has.) Art:Oh, come on, everybody was naughty? What am I gonna do with this fire truck? (A little boy rushes forward and his mother grabs him back.) Mother:Joey, get back here. (Rebecca looks at Art.) Rebecca:What's going on? Art:I'm not sure. (A parent leads her kids away.) Parent:Let's go, girls. (Rebecca looks up at Art.) Rebecca:Art, maybe we should go. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year. (Art looks at Lynette, who stares back at him.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:For the residents of Wisteria Lane, the holiday season could only begin once the decorations came out. For some, that meant pulling out the colored lights. For others, it meant locating that holiday wreath. And then there were those eager to display their nativity scene. But for a romantic few, it was all about the mistletoe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan holds mistletoe over her and Ian's head.) Susan:You have to kiss me. It's the law. Ian:While you're in a good mood, I thought I'd spring something on you. My parents are coming to town. Susan:Your parents? Really? Ian:And I wondered if you might be free to join us for dinner Saturday. Susan:Absolutely. So, I assume this means they know about me? Ian:But of course. Susan:And they know about me as in (in a bad British accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend." Ian: That's adorable. Please don't do it in front of them. Susan:Right. So, um, do you want me to make reservations at that little French place? Ian:We could do that, but it's a four-hour layover and they're going to be exhausted, and I thought we might have a more enjoyable time if they came here and you made dinner for them. Susan:Okay, I guess it's time we have the conversation. Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you? Ian:I just assumed that you were lazy. Susan:I wish. My cooking is not good. Ian:Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal. Susan:Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats? Ian: Come on, you can't be that bad. Susan:Is it really important that I make them a home-cooked meal? Ian:Well, it's just that they're very old-fashioned hearth-and-home types, and they might wonder why you
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didn't make the effort. But it's okay. You'll win them over. Eventually. Susan:Okay, I'll give it a shot. Ian:Thank you. Now nothing elaborate. Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropriate to go with it. Susan:Right...like an ambulance. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (Vern and Gabrielle watch as the girls practice walking down the runway.) Gabrielle:Amy, small steps. Small! Little Miss Snowflake glides. She doesn't stomp. Amy: Is that better? Gabrielle:Getting there, sweetie. (to Vern) If she was a horse, we'd have to shoot her. Vern:Poor thing, she tries so hard. Gabrielle:Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her. Vern:What? Why? Gabrielle:Pageant consultants are judged on the strength of their roster. You know, we can't afford to bounce every nose-picking no-talent, but we can definitely lose the one who's dragging us down, and that's Amy. Vern:We can't do that! Her mother died last year. Gabrielle:Yes, I know, I know, and it's tragic, but we are running a business. Amy is sucking up all of our time, and we should be focusing on Sherri. She actually has a shot at winning. Vern: How will I tell her family? Gabrielle: We'll do it together. We'll be very diplomatic. Vern: Are you sure about this? The poor kid's been through the wringer and... Gabrielle: Amy! For God sakes, Little Miss Snowflake does not scratch down there! Vern: Well, then again, her mother died a year ago. How long is she gonna milk it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree walks into Gloria's room, carrying a tray of food. Gloria is watching the TV.) Bree: Mother Hodge, I have your breakfast." Gloria:Just put it over there. I'll pick through it later. Bree: What are you watching? Gloria:Home movies. Bree: It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it? Gloria:Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death. Bree:We also have cable. (Gloria pauses the video.) Gloria:Have you decided what you're gonna do about Orson? Bree:Decided? Gloria:Yes. Have you called a lawyer yet? Bree:I don't think that's any of your concern. Gloria:I don't mean to pry, but, I think you're a good Christian woman, and you deserve better than my son. Bree:Well, I will take that under advisement. Gloria:If you give him a chance, he'll draw you back in. It's what he does. Just walk away. Bree:It's not that easy. I love him. Gloria:You'll get over it. I did. (Gloria turns on the home movie again. It's a scene of Gloria, with her arm around Alma, with Orson standing off to the side.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Outside Lynette's House] (Lynette is in her car, talking on her cell phone.) Lynette:Well, believe me, Rita, he scares me, too. You know what? We should have a meeting, get all the moms together and figure out what to do about this guy. Saturday, your house. Sounds good. (She hears a pounding on her car. She looks in her sideview mirror and sees Rebecca hitting the trunk of the car with her hand.) Lynette:Hey, Rita, I gotta go. (She hangs up.) Lynette:Sorry, I can't talk now. I have somewhere to go. Rebecca:Well, my brother doesn't. The youth center just fired him. Are you happy? Lynette:I'm not sad. He shouldn't be around kids. I saw those pictures. Rebecca:Those boys were on his swim team. He was proud of them. Turning that into something dirty says more about you than him. Lynette:You can defend him all you want. I know what I know. Rebecca:Did you know my brother got spit on at the hardware store yesterday? That they refused to serve us at the diner, that our tire got slashed at the church parking lot? I am not a well woman. I don't need this stress. Lynette:Well, I am sorry that happened. Rebecca:Have you considered even for a moment that you could be wrong, that you misinterpreted what you saw, that you are ruining my brother's life and mine over nothing? Lynette:I have kids, okay? Better safe than sorry. Rebecca:So as long you're safe what do you care who's sorry? (She leaves Lynette alone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Susan is over at Bree's house while Bree decorates a gingerbread house.) Susan:So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the first time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them." Bree:And yet you're cooking? Susan:Well, that's the thing. Uh, so I was hoping, you know, if you're not too busy... Bree:Oh, no, no, these things practically build themselves. Susan:Thank you. You are a lifesaver. Bree:Actually...I could probably use the distraction. Susan:Oh? Bree:I asked Orson to move out last night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's House] (Carlos is eating a bowl of cereal while Edie and Mike argue.) Edie:Oh, come on! Why would you bury your toolbox in the woods? Mike:I knew the cops were looking for it, and I panicked. I was just trying to buy myself me time. Edie:Well, you may have bought yourself twenty to life! Carlos:Let the guy enjoy his breakfast." Edie:Stay out of this, Carlos. Mike, I want you to look at me. Yeah, you look me in the eye and you swear to me that you didn't kill anybody. Mike:How many times do I have to tell you? I can't remember. Edie:You can't remember, or you don't wanna remember? Carlos:Um, guys.
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(He gestures outside, where a police car has pulled up and three officers get out, striding towards Mike's house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree walks Susan to the door.) Susan:Bree, you have got to go to the police with all of this." Bree:I can't. Not yet. I need some time to think. Susan:His wife goes missing, then his mistress turns up dead. What is there to think about? (They walk outside.) Bree:I know it sounds suspicious, but in my heart of hearts, I just can't believe that Orson could do such a thing. Susan:Sweetie, we all wanna believe the best of the people we care about, but you cannot let your feelings for a man blind you to cold hard facts." (Bree looks past Susan.) Bree:What in the world? (Susan turns and they see Mike being escorted to the police car, his hands handcuffed behind him.) Susan:Oh, my God! (The two of them walk over to Mrs. McCluskey, who's on the sidewalk in front of Mike's house.) Susan:What's going on? Mrs. McCluskey:They just arrested Mike for murder. Susan:What?! Mrs. McCluskey:They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person. Bree:Oh, thank God! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (Vern and Gabrielle walk down the hallway.) Vern:I can't believe we're gonna break that little girl's heart. Gabrielle:Do not wimp out on me here. We gotta do what's best for the business. Vern:What if the father yells at me? Gabrielle:Then I will jump in and defend you. Vern:Okay, but if you do, try and be diplomatic. Gabrielle:I'm always diplomatic. Now just get in there, you spineless 'mo." (They enter the room and go up to a man whose back is towards them.) Vern:Excuse me, Mr. Pearce? (Mr. Pearce turns around, revealing that he is very handsome.) Vern:I'm so glad you could come today. This is my partner,Gabrielle. Mr. Pearce:Pleasure to meet you. (Gabrielle giggles.) Vern:Shall we? (They all sit down.) Mr. Pearce:So, uh, what did you wanna talk to me about? Is there a problem with Amy? Vern:Not a problem, per se. We're just a little concerned that she might not have the, um...temperament for pageant competitions. Mr. Pearce:And what does that mean? Vern:Well, when it comes to performing, she's not exactly...well, she tends to be...feel free to jump in. Gabrielle:I have no idea where you're going with this.
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Vern:Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim. Gabrielle:Vern! He is so competitive. I constantly have to remind him they're just kids. When did you lose the joy? Vern:Oh, I think you know. Mr. Pearce:Wait, I'm confused. Are you dumping Amy? Gabrielle:Of course not, Bill. Can I call you Bill? It's just we feel that Amy would benefit from some private coaching. Maybe I could come to your house? Say, Friday, five o'clock? Mr. Pearce:Sure. Yeah, I guess. Gabrielle:Great! It's a date. Vern:Maybe I should come, too. Gabrielle:After the harsh things you said about Amy? I don't think so. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Holding Cell] (Edie and Mike talk through the bars of his cell.) Mike:I'm gonna need a good lawyer. And that may take a little research. Edie: Uh huh. Mike:And whoever takes my case will need a retainer, so if you don't mind, I promise I'll pay you back. Edie:Oh, okay. Mike:And make sure he knows about my wrench. Apparently, they tested it and found traces of this Monique's blood. What's wrong? Edie:I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy. Mike:No, I didn't pick up on it. Edie:Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing. Mike:Wrench. Edie:Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast. Mike:What are you trying to say? Edie:Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people. Mike:You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison? Edie:Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this. (Later, Mike is pacing in his cell when Susan comes up to him.) Mike:They told me somebody was coming, but I did not expect it to be you. Susan:Is Edie getting you a good lawyer? Mike:I doubt it. She dumped me today. Susan:What? Why? Mike:Well, I was arrested for murder. Susan:Still. It's tacky. Well, okay then, uh...I'll help get you out. Uh, what's your bail? Mike:A million dollars. Susan:Oh. Mike:You don't have to help me, Susan. Susan:I want to. Mike:Aren't you gonna ask? Susan:What? Mike:If I killed that woman? Susan:I don't have to. I know you didn't. Mike:I wish I was that sure. I have these flashes, where I see her face, so I must've known her. And if I did,
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maybe something happened. Maybe I got angry, maybe... Susan:There's an explanation for this, and we're gonna figure it out. Don't worry about a thing. (She strokes his hand through the bars of his cell.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bill Pearce's House] (Gabrielle is inside the kitchen with Bill while Amy practices outside.) Amy:Miss Gabrielle! When are you gonna come outside and watch me? Gabrielle:Oh, um, the grass, honey, and my allergies...go ahead and practice. I'll watch you from here. (to Bill) Are you sure I can't help with anything? Bill:I've been a single Dad for a while now. I got the dinner thing down. Gabrielle:I've got the restaurant thing down. I can't bring myself to cook for one. Not that I ever cooked for two. Bill:Well, no restaurant tonight. You are having dinner with us. Gabrielle:Aw, that's sweet. Bill:It's the least I can do to thank you for helping Amy. Gabrielle:Oh. It's nothing. (She looks outside just in time to see Amy's baton clonk her on the head. Amy falls down and Gabrielle closes the blinds to the window. She turns back to Bill.) Gabrielle:Yeah, she's a special girl. Bill:So...how is it for you, being single again? Gabrielle:Oh, honestly? Um, I hate it. It's like I've forgotten how to date. Bill:Me, too. You know, I even let a friend of mine talk me into one of those speed dating things. Gabrielle:How was it? Bill:I didn't even go in. I just sat in this hotel lobby. I watched all these lonely, desperate single people filing in, and then it hit me, I'm one of them. Gabrielle:I know what you mean. (Amy comes inside.) Amy:Did you see that? It spun three times and then I caught it. You didn't see. Bill:Yeah, I'm sorry, sweetie. I was distracting Gabrielle. Gabrielle:Oh, no, no, it's totally my fault. I'm sorry, sweetie. Go outside and do it again. I promise this time we're gonna watch. (Amy goes back outside, leaving the door open. Gabrielle begins stroking Bill's hand and when Amy comes back in to close the door, she sees the stroking. Her eyes narrow.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan is in the kitchen, looking in a phone book under "Attorneys." There's a knock on the door.) Susan:Come in. (Ian comes in, carrying flowers.) Susan:Hey. Wow, oh, those are gorgeous. Ian:Well, I figured you'd be too busy cooking to manage a centerpiece. Well, you, uh, you may not be a good cook but you're certainly a tidy one. Susan:Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de veau and a grand marnier souffl. Ian:Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it? Susan:Five-thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself. (Ian sees the open phone book.) Ian:Oh, what's, uh, what's all this?
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Susan:Mike was arrested for murder. Ian:My God. Susan:I mean, of course he's totally innocent. I'm just trying to help him find a lawyer. Ian:Shouldn't, um, shouldn't his girlfriend be doing that? Susan:Yeah. Edie dumped him. Okay, I know how this looks but I just feel bad. He's just a friend now. Ian:Yes. Yes, a friend you sat by for six months, hoping he'd wake up and ravish you again. Susan:You are the only one allowed to ravish me these days, so stop worrying. (She kisses him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is on the phone in the kitchen.) Bree: Orson, it's me again. Please call. We need to talk." (She hangs up. From the other room, Lynette and Gabrielle are sitting at the dining room table, preparing for poker.) Gabrielle:You always do the chips! Lynette:I'll do the chips. You deal. Gabrielle:You got it. (Bree sits down at the table with them.) Lynette:Guys, why has it been so long since we've played poker? I really need this. Bree:Oh, me, too. There's nothing more relaxing than an afternoon of finger food and girl talk. (Susan comes in and sits down.) Susan:Hi, ladies! Lynette:Hey! How you doing? Susan:So did you tell the police that you think Orson killed Monique? Bree:What?! No, I did not, and I don't plan to. Susan:But Mike is in jail, and you said yourself you thought Orson did it. Bree:I said I had concerns. Concerns that have disappeared now that Mike has been arrested. Susan:What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty? Lynette:Hey, why don't we start that girl talk? Gabrielle:I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection? Bree:They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence. Susan:Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist? Gabrielle:Orson was slipping it to the dead chick? Susan:Mike is innocent. I know that in my heart. Bree:We all have convictions, Susan. I believe Mike's last one was for manslaughter. Lynette:Okay, okay, we've all made some excellent points and blown off a little steam. Whoo! Let's play some cards. Susan:If you're so sure that Orson is innocent, why don't we go through his things? Where's his desk? Bree:At his office. And what did you think you'd find there anyway? Susan:I don't know. A blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth? Lynette:We're not gonna play cards, are we? Gabrielle:Nope. Susan:Well, I am certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband.
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Bree:Well, needless to say, I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents. Susan:Fine. I'll cook myself. Bree:Good. Let me know if there are any survivors. Susan:And if you take Orson back, you do the same. (Susan leaves the room. She opens the front door and overhears Bree begin to speak. She closes the front door and sneaks into Bree's kitchen, where she opens the cabinet where Bree keeps all of her keys and takes the one labeled "Orson's Office.") Bree:Well, that was incredibly awkward. I'm sorry you both had to sit through it. Was it me? Was I out of line? Lynette:Oh, I'm not taking sides. Gabrielle:This will blow over. Bree:You're right... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rita's House] (Lynette enters Rita's house and finds a bunch of neighborhood women making protest signs.) Rita:Hey, come on in. You're just in time. Lynette:Thanks so much, Rita. I think it's such a good idea that we all get together and talk and...Wow. (She catches a glimpse of the signs being made, which include sayings such as "Pedophilia is a Sin!" and "Sex Offenders Out!" and "Perv Go Away.") Lynette:Wow. What is all this? Rita:We decided to stage a protest in front of Art's house. Lynette:A protest? Rita:Mm-Hmm. Gert:Rita, I want the word "pedophile" to really stand out. Do we have any glitter? Mrs. McCluskey:Say "molester." It sounds scarier. Lynette:I'm sorry. I thought we were all gonna talk about how to keep an eye on this guy. Mrs. McCluskey:We're past talking. The guy's a menace. Lynette:Well, that's what we think, but we don't exactly have proof. Neighbor:The youth center just fired him. How much proof do you need? Lynette:But, see, the only reason they fired him is because people were gossiping, and the only reason they're gossiping is because of what I told Mrs. McCluskey. Mrs. McCluskey:Yeah, and you told me to spread the word. Lynette:So that people could watch their kids and be vigilant. Gert:So you wanna wait until he actually molests one of our kids? Whose side are you on, Lynette? Mrs. McCluskey:Knock it off, Gert. Remember, if it weren't for Lynette, We never would've found out about this creep. She's our hero. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Orson's Office] (Susan unlocks Orson's office door and goes inside. Once there, she begins rifling through drawers and cabinets. Suddenly, Orson enters, carrying a pizza. He goes into another room and Susan sneaks into a storage closet. She peeks out into the office. Orson takes out a slice of pizza and turns on the TV, where a football game is on. Susan looks at her watch.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (At the pageant, Bill drops Amy off and stays to talk to Gabrielle.) Amy:Bye-bye, Daddy. Bill:See you, sweetie. Have fun.
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(Amy walks off a little bit, but doesn't go inside.) Bill:So I was, uh, I was thinking you, you wanna grab a cup of coffee or something after class? Gabrielle:I'd love to grab a cup of coffee...or something. (Bill leaves.) Gabrielle:Amy, you are so lucky to have such a nice Dad. Amy:Yeah, I know. Leave him alone. Gabrielle:Excuse me? Amy:You heard me. I don't want you dating him. Gabrielle:Oh, sweetheart. I have a feeling I know what this is about. Amy:No you don't. Gabrielle:I think I do. You miss your Mommy, and it feels funny seeing your Daddy be nice to somebody else. But believe me, I'm not trying to replace your Mom. Amy:Well, I am, and I have someone all picked out. Gabrielle:What? Amy:I want my Dad to marry Sherri's Mom. Gabrielle:Sherri from class? Amy:We're best friends, and we have it all planned out. Our parents are gonna get married, and then we'll be real sisters. Gabrielle:What about your Dad? Don't you care what he wants? Amy:My Mom died. All my Dad wants is for me to be happy. Now get in there and teach me how to work the runway. That's what we're paying you for, right? (She goes inside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Orson's Office] (Orson has finished his pizza and the TV is still on. He heads in Susan's direction to clean up the food and takes a toothbrush out of a drawer before leaving the room. Susan sneaks out and is starting to exit the office when she hears Bree's voice. She rushes back into the storage closet and is in the perfect position to overhear Bree talking with Orson.) Bree:Orson? Orson: Bree? Bree:Orson. Why haven't you returned any of my calls? Orson:I was afraid you were calling to ask me for a divorce. Bree:No, I wasn't. They arrested Mike for the murder of Monique Polier. Orson:They did? Bree:The other night, you wanted a chance to explain everything. Well, here it is, and I want it all. If I find out you've left anything out, then I will ask for that divorce. Orson:Okay. (He leads her to the other room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (Sherri is stretching when Gabrielle walks up to her.) Gabrielle:You're working so hard, Sherri. You must really wanna win this pageant. Sherri:More than anything. Gabrielle:Oh. Well, I think dedication should be rewarded, so I have a little surprise for you. Sherri:What is it? Gabrielle:Well, you know how the pageant starts with a big opening number? This year, all the contestants
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are gonna dance in pairs, and I've arranged for you to dance with your best friend Amy! (Sherri's smile freezes on her face, then disappears.) Gabrielle:What's wrong, sweetie? Sherri:Well...Amy sucks. Gabrielle:Well, I thought you two were practically sisters. Sherri:We are...but she still sucks. And first impressions are everything. You said so yourself. Gabrielle:Well, that's true... Sherri:And this is the opening number. If the judges see me tripping all over that klutz, there's no way I'm gonna win. Gabrielle:That's a good point. Now I wish I hadn't told Amy. Sherri:You already told her?! Gabrielle:She was so excited. Well, she's your best friend. Why don't you just tell her the truth? She'll understand. Sherri:What if she doesn't? Gabrielle:Well, friends come and go, but a crown is forever. (They smile at each other.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Orson's Office] Orson:I never loved Alma. My mother pushed us together, and, I was stupid enough to get her pregnant." Bree: You had a child? Orson:Alma miscarried a month after the wedding. I was trapped. Bree:Well, you could've left her. Orson:Mother wouldn't hear of it. Divorce is a sin. So I stayed in the marriage, hoping I would come to feel what I was supposed to, but I never did. So I resigned myself to a life without love. And then I met Monique. It was wrong. I didn't care. I loved her more than I'd loved anyone...till you. Bree:So why couldn't you tell me this? Orson:Because you told me about Rex. How he cheated on you, how hurt you were. Bree, I needed you to feel safe with me. (In the storage room, Susan paces.) Orson:Well, you haven't done a very good job. Handling the truth would have been a hundred times easier than dealing with all the doubt and suspicion. (Susan sees a box high on a shelf labeled "Orson's Spare Room.") Bree:So you stayed in a loveless marriage because of your mother? Orson:I know how it sounds. But after my father died, she was all I had. (Susan pulls the box down and begins going through it. She finds a report card of Orson's from the Sheffield School for Boys.) Orson:His death caused me so much pain...I would've done anything for her. (Susan pulls out an opened envelope with the return address listing Orson's name and the Elm Ridge Mental Hospital.) Orson:She saw that weakness, and she ran with it. (Susan opens up the letter inside the envelope. The paper is a form reading Admissions for Committed Patients and Orson's name is on it. The reason for committment is Psychological Depression.) Orson:You've got no idea how manipulative she can be. She ruins lives. (Susan pulls out a photograph of a younger Orson and Gloria. Orson is sitting on a bench staring at the camera with Gloria standing behind him. They're in front of a large institution-like building.) Orson:Now I've told you everything. What happens now?
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Bree:Well, first you pack up your things and come home, and then we toss your mother out on her evil ass. Orson:God, I love you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan enters, carrying a large take-out bag. She goes into the living room where Ian is sitting on the couch.) Susan:Hi! I'm sorry I'm late. Where are your folks? Ian:They're not coming. Their plane was snowed in at O'Hare. Susan:Oh. Well, that's too bad. Well, no harm done then, huh? Ian:You're forty minutes late. Susan:But they're not here. Ian:You didn't know that. And where's dinner? Susan:Uh, Bree and I sort of had a fight. Look, I'm awfully sorry that I'm late. I had an emergency. Ian:Did this emergency have anything to do with Mike? Susan:I'm pretty sure that Bree's husband murdered the woman the cops think Mike killed. I went to his office... Ian:Oh, for God sakes, Susan. Susan:No, I found evidence. Look. Orson was committed to a mental institution for over a year. I mean, doesn't that suggest- he's some sort of... Ian:I don't care! Tonight meant a great deal to me, and you blew it off. Susan:I said I was sorry, Ian. I have to help Mike. I'm all he's got. Ian:Actually, you're wrong. He's got me. Susan:What? Ian:Tomorrow, I'll hire the best lawyer in town to defend him, and I'll pay every cent of his bill. Susan:You would do that for Mike? Ian:Yes, on one condition...You can't see him anymore. Susan:Why? Ian:If you start visiting him, being a friend to him, he'll fall in love with you again. Then you'll have to decide whose heart to break, his or mine. Susan:As jealous ultimatums go, that's very flattering, but, I don't think that's necessary. Mike and I are done. Ian:Then you should have no problem accepting my generous offer. Susan:You would really get him the best lawyer in town? Ian:An absolute piranha. Do we have a deal? Susan:Well, okay then. You know, Mike barely remembers me. What makes you so sure he would fall in love with me again? Ian:What a perfectly asinine question. How could he not? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's House] (Lynette is watching screaming protestors gathered around Art's house. Tom comes outside and joins her.) Tom:God, I was only in the house fifteen minutes. Are there more of them now? Lynette:Yep. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to. Tom:This is all your fault. You should've listened to me." Lynette:I know. But be fair. There is no way I could've anticipated this. Tom:You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you're surprised to see the torch-wielding villagers? I'm putting the kids to bed early. I don't want 'em to see this. (They hear sirens approaching.) Tom:Is that an ambulance?
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop] (Gabrielle is cleaning up one of the tables when she overhears Amy and Sherri talking.) Amy:I can't believe you're doing this! Sherri:Amy, don't you want me to have a chance? Amy:God, I hate you! I hate you! Don't ever talk to me again! (Amy storms out. Gabrielle picks up her cell phone and dials a number.) Gabrielle:Hi. Bill? I was wondering, do you have plans Saturday night? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Art's House] (The protestors are still gathered around Art's house. An ambulance has pulled up. Lynette walks up to a cop who's keeping people away from the house.) Lynette:Excuse me, can you tell me what happened?" Paramedic:Ma'am, I need you to step back." Lynette:Okay. Paramedic (in his walkie-talkie):We're bringing in a female, late thirties. And get crash cart ready. She's in cardiac arrest. (The ambulance crew brings Rebecca out of the house on a stretcher. Art comes out of the house quickly, turning to lock his door. One of the neighbors throws a tomato at him. It hits him on the shoulder.) Lynette:Stop it! Stop it! You can't do this to people! Have you lost your minds?! Rita:Well, excuse us for wanting to feel safe in our own homes. Lynette:Well, that's my home, and I don't feel very safe right now. Please, please, all of you, just leave this street. Please, I beg of you. Go! Just get off my street, please! (Art has almost reached the ambulance and Lynette runs up to him.) Lynette:Wait, wait! Art, wait, I'm sorry...I'm sorry. (He glares at her and gets in the ambulance, which drives off. The protestors follow it, leaving Lynette alone in the street.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree and Orson pack up Gloria's belongings while she watches.) Gloria:You're an idiot to take him back. Bree:I am no longer interested in your opinion. I thought I made that clear. Gloria:Where are you sending me? Bree:Oh, we've rented you a condo in a lovely retirement community. It's our Christmas gift to you. Gloria:So you're exiling me? Cutting me off from my new grandchildren? Bree:That's our gift to them. (Bree leaves the room with a box.) Gloria:You think you can be rid of me that easily? Orson:It's over, mother. I told her everything. Gloria:Oh, I doubt that very much. You still have secrets, my boy. Orson:So do you, mother. And if you want them kept, you'll keep mine." (He leaves. Gloria calls somebody on her cell phone.) Gloria:It's me. I have some bad news. She's taking him back. Meet me on the corner in an hour. We need to deal with this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Art's House - Nighttime]
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(Lynette walks to Art's house, where he's packing boxes into his car.) Lynette:I heard about Rebecca on the news. If there's anything I can do to help, I...With the funeral arrangements, or, uh...help you call relatives... Art:Wow. You must be feeling really guilty. Lynette:Oh! Of course! I feel just terrible. I mean, if you knew, if you could just know how sorry I am. (He stares at her. She nods and turns to leave.) Art:Hey. You know, in a weird way...I should thank you. My sister was...a really wonderful person. She always saw the best in me. But there were things she couldn't see...or chose not to, God love her. Lynette:What do you mean? Art:I think you know. See, I always knew that I had to take care of Rebecca, so I could never let myself...slip and do something that would hurt her. But now...I'm free...and all because of you. Lynette:You can't stay here. Art:Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed. Lynette:Where are you going? Art:Why, you gonna write? Well, good-bye, Lynette. You take care of that beautiful family of yours. (He turns and goes back to packing. Lynette turns to leave and sees Art's Christmas arrangement on his lawn. It's of Santa with four choir boys. Lynette leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Gloria walks down the sidewalk and down the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions... (From inside Bree's house, she stares out the window. Orson comes up to her and they smile at each other.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Edie is sitting, alone, in her living room.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or curling up with a cup of eggnog... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Susan stares out the window. Ian comes up to her, holding mistletoe over her head. They kiss.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle stares out the window. Bill comes up to her, holding flowers and they hug.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...or receiving a present from that special someone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Gloria continues to walk down the street and goes up to a parked car on the side of the street.) Mary Alice Voiceover:No, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time... (The window on the driver's side rolls down to reveal Alma.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...for miracles. Gloria:Hello, Alma. Alma:Don't just stand there. Tell me everything. ~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives 3X11: No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Lynette:I will love her like she is my own. Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette made a promise... Carolyn:His wife goes missing,and his mistress turns up dead? Bree:I just can't believe that Orson could do such a thing. Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike got arrested... Bree:Oh, thank god! Mary Alice Voiceover:...and a friendship hit the rocks. Susan:I am not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan made a deal... Ian:I'll hire the best lawyer in town on one condition--You can't see him anymore. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and a missing wife returned. Gloria:Hello,Alma. (Alma Hodge sits in her car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:To understand the journey of Alma Hodge, you first need to know how it started. [Flashback] Mary Alice Voiceover:It began the day she wed Orson Hodge, a man she had tricked into marriage by getting pregnant. Alma was confident that as their family grew, Orson's feelings for her would grow as well. But then something went wrong, and the baby she had been counting on never came. So Alma found herself married to a man who seemed to despise her. Still, Alma hoped things would get better... (Alma sits at the kitchen table, mending a shirt and talking to her bird.) Alma:Mama loves her baby. Does the baby love mama? Mary Alice Voiceover:Until the day she discovered Orson was having an affair. (Alma looks down at the shirt she's mending and sees that it has a lipstick mark on the collar.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And Alma realized the only way she'd ever get her husband to appreciate her was to leave him...immediately. (Alma packs her bags and is carrying them to the front door, along with the bird's cage, when she trips. Everything she's holding falls to the ground, including the birdcage, which opens and the bird flies up to the top of the stairs. Alma sees Orson's car drive up to the house.) Alma:If you don't get back in your cage right now, I'm gonna have to leave you behind. Please! (Orson walks in.) Orson:Going somewhere? Alma:I'm staying at a motel tonight. Orson:Why? Alma:I don't have time to discuss it. I'm late for the bus. Orson:All right. (He walks upstairs. Alma follows.) Alma:I'm going away because...I know you're having an affair. Orson:Ah. I see. Alma:Aren't you even gonna deny it?
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Orson:On the contrary. I wanna shout it from the rooftops! For the first time in my life, I'm actually in love. Alma:How can you say that to me? I'm your wife! Orson:We both know why we got married and it had nothing to do with affection. Alma:So you don't care if I go? Orson:No. Alma:Wait! This isn't what's supposed to happen! You should be begging me to stay with you. Orson:I deserve to be happy, Alma. So do you. And we're clearly not gonna find that together. Alma:Orson, no! (Orson leaves the house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was at that moment Alma realized it wasn't enough to leave her husband. He had to be punished. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present day] (Alma gets out of the car and heads towards Bree's house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes,this was the journey of Alma Hodge... (She knocks on the front door and Bree answers.) Alma:Bree Hodge? I'm Alma Hodge. I believe we have someone in common. (Bree faints.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...and it wasn't over yet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:There is a time of day all housewives look forward to. It occurs just after the chores have been completed and right before the children come home from school. It's a time for good friends to get together, have a cup of coffee and exchange gossip abou tthe other good friends who couldn't make it that day. [Lynette's front porch] (Gabrielle, Susan, and Lynette are on Lynette's front porch drinking coffee together.) Susan:Bree let Orson move back in. Gabrielle:You're kidding. When? Susan:Yesterday. Gabrielle:I'm so disappointed in her. Lynette:Well, the police did arrest Mike. I mean, I know you think he's innocent, but surely you can understand why Bree's feelings have changed. Susan:Well, mine haven't, and I know something that Bree probably doesn't. When Orson was seventeen, he spent time in a mental institution. Gabrielle:How did you find that out? Susan:I snuck into his office and rifled through his things. Lynette:Of course you did. Gabrielle:But that doesn't prove he had anything to do with Monique's murder. Susan:No, but it's a piece of the puzzle. I mean, he did have an affair with her. And when you combine that with the fact that his first wife went missing... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Bree:So you're Alma. Where have you been all this time? Alma:In Canada. My aunt lives there.
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Bree:Well, you should've told someone. People thought you were dead. Some even thought that Orson killed you. Alma:Well, that's sort of what I wanted them to think. That's why I left my bird behind and only took cash, so they couldn't trace me through my credit cards. Bree:So you deliberately framed Orson? Alma:I'm not saying it was my finest hour. But you have to understand, Orson hurt me very badly. He cheated on me. Bree:Yes, I know--with Monique Polier. Alma:And I thought,if I disappeared, she'd get scared and leave him, like he left me. Isn't jealousy awful? Bree:So why have you come back? Alma:I found this fantastic therapist. He told me that by holding on to my anger I was really just hurting myself,which was hard to deny. I mean,hello,I'm here in Winnipeg with a deaf aunt and no credit. So I thought, it's time to make amends. (Orson comes home. He doesn't see Bree and Alma right away.) Orson:Darling? Mrs. Mclean canceled,so I'm free for lunch. Bree:Um, actually,we have a guest. Alma:Hello, Orson. Orson:Oh, hello. Alma:So...what is it with you and redheads? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park] (Gabrielle and Bill are having a picnic in the neighborhood park. A bee keeps flying around Gabrille and she keeps trying to shoo it away.) Bill:I, I hope you don't mind me springing this picnic on you. I figured it'd be more fun than some stuffy restaurant. Gabrielle:Are you kidding? What could be more romantic? (She swats at the bee again.) Gabrielle:Back off,you son of a bi*ch! Bill:More wine? Gabrielle:Yes, keep it coming. (Her phone rings. She picks it up.) Gabrielle:Hello? Carlos:Hey, who's the dork? Gabrielle:Carlos? Carlos:What's with that cap? Extra, extra, read all about it! Gabrielle:Where the hell are you? (She looks around her and sees Carlos on Mike's front porch, watching them as he drinks a beer.) Gabrielle:What are you doing at Mike's house? Carlos:I live here. Gabrielle:What do you mean you live there? Since when? Carlos:Gaby, my car's been in the driveway for three weeks. Even you can't be that self-absorbed. Gabrielle:Well,as you can see, I have more pleasant things to focus on. Carlos:So when you gonna tell Jimmy Olsen there that you hate picnics? Gabrielle:I'm gonna hang up now. (She hangs up and turns back to Bill.)
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Gabrielle:So where were we? Bill:Your ex-husband moved in across the street? What's that gonna be like? (Her phone rings again and she answers it.) Gabrielle:Yeah?! Carlos:Are you gonna kiss him? Gabrielle:That's right, Carlos. We have had some pblems with raccoons getting into the trash. So why don't you just put a lid on it? (She hangs up on him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette faces her three boys as they all stand near the front door.) Lynette:Okay,they're here. Now listen, stand up. Kayla has been through a lot, so when she walks in the door, I want you to make her feel welcome, okay? Give her a hug and be really nice. Parker:I'm giving her my room. How much nicer do I have to be? Lynette:Well, nicer than that, or she's gonna get all your toys, too. (Tom and Kayla walk throught he door. Lynette gives her a hug.) Lynette:Hey, hey, hey! Tom:Hi! Look who I found wandering around the airport. Lynette:Hi, Kayla! We missed you! We're so glad you're here. Okay, boys. (The three boys walk forward, surround Kayla and awkwardly begin patting her head and shoulder. Lynette finally herds them away.) Lynette:Good.Yeah, okay.So give her some room.Hey,wow,look,are those presents for Kayla?Yes,they are. (The boys come forward one by one and give Kayla gifts.) Lynette:Hey,look at that. Preston gave you a harmonica. Isn't that cool? Oh "Harriet the Spy." Sounds mysterious. Kayla:Thanks. Lynette:And what did you get for her, Porter? Porter:A video game, but I get to play it whenever I want. Lynette:Porter! I--you know what? I got you something, too. (Lynette brings over a fancy doll and gives it to Kayla.) Lynette:This is Nellie. My grandma gave her to me when I was little, and I was hoping you could take care of her for me. Kayla:Thanks. Tom:Hey, honey, why don't you take your stuff and go upstairs and, uh, get ready for lunch,okay? I'm gonna make some chili. Kayla:Okay, daddy. Tom:Okay, baby. (The kids head upstairs.) Tom:Honey...that was so sweet to give her your doll. Lynette:She didn't seem that knocked out by it. Tom:Well,just give her some time. She'll, she'll come around. It's a tough adjustment. Lynette:Okay. (As Kayla walks upstairs slowly, she holds the doll by its ankles, letting it drag behind her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree, Orson, and Alma are in the living room eating cake.)
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Alma:I must say, Bree, I don't know when I've tasted such moist pound cake. Bree:Sour cream. Alma:So whatever happened to my parrot? Orson:I set it free. Alma:Orson, they don't fair well in the wild. You should've-Orson:For god sake, Alma, who cares about the damn bird? You set me up. Bree:Why don't I wrap up a piece of this pound cake for you to enjoy later? (Bree leaves the room.) Orson:Do you have any idea what you put me through? You almost ruined my life. Alma:You've rebounded nicely. Bree's lovely. Orson:Don't change the subject. Alma:You put me through a lot, too, Orson, but I forgave you. Can't we just put this behind us? Orson:And that's all you've come back for? Closure? Alma:Of course. What else? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan walks into Julie's room, where she's reading on the bed.) Susan:I'm out of lipstick. Can I borrow yours? Julie:Sure. Susan:Cherry Berry? Julie:Austin likes the way it tastes. Susan:Oh, I so did not need to know that. Julie:So, um, where you going? Susan:Down to the jailhouse to talk to Mike. Julie:But didn't you tell Ian you wouldn't see him anymore? Susan:Yeah. But somebody's gotta tell him about his new lawyer. Otherwise, the guy's gonna show up,and he's gonna go, "who the hell is he?" Ian gets that. Besides, why would it be a big deal? Mike and I are over. Julie:I was just wondering, 'cause, you know, you're putting on lipstick to go to a prison. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree and Orson are showing Alma out.) Bree:Thank you for clearing things up. Alma:Oh, well, it was the least I could do. Orson,I'm truly sorry for the pain I've caused, and if there's anything else I can do... (Bree sees that across the street, Susan is putting out her trash.) Bree:Actually,there is. I'd love it if you could join us for dinner this weekend. There are some friends that I'm just dying for you to meet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (Susan is visiting Mike.) Mike:You got me a lawyer? Susan:Yeah, and he is fantastic. You cannot believe the scum he has gotten off. Not that you're scum. But, you know, if you were, you'd be sitting pretty. Mike:I'm paying you back. Every penny. Susan:Oh, well, you know, we'll figure that out later. Mike:I-I can't believe that I just listened to all that stuff Edie told me about you, and it turns out you're the only
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one standing by me. You're a good friend, Susan. Susan:Um, yeah, about that...it's Ian. He's not crazy about me spending time with my ex. Mike:Even an ex who doesn't remember dating you? Susan:I remember, and I guess that's enough for him. I'm sorry. Mike:Well, I, uh, can't say that I blame him. Susan:Take care of yourself, Mike. Mike:You, too, Susan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (The three boys, Kayla, and Penny are seated around the kitchen table.) Lynette:Dinner's ready. Kayla, I made your favorite--tacos. Here you go. Kayla:But where's my daddy? Lynette:Oh, sorry, sweetheart. He's working late, trying to get the restaurant ready. Oh, lovely, Parker. Go wash your hands. Go on. (Kayla gets up and carries her plate to the living room.) Lynette:Kayla, where you going? Kayla:To watch TV. Lynette:Oh, sweetie, we don't watch TV during dinner. Kayla:But my show is on. Lynette:Well, I'm sorry. Those are the rules. Kayla:My mommy let me. Lynette:Well...just this once. (Kayla sits down on the couch and the boys stare at Lynette accusingly.) Lynette:Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking, but...Kayla's going through a hard time right now. Come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick. Twin:But she's not sick. Lynette:Well, that's true, but she's sad. Twin:I'm sad I can't watch TV. Lynette:Eat your tacos. (Lynette sits down. The boys look at each other and then all get up and begin to take their plates into the living room, too.) Lynette:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sit your butts down! Twin:It's not fair. Lynette:I don't care. We have rules. Twin:Well, she gets to. Lynette:She is special. Now sit down. Come on. Twin:Does she get dessert, too? Kayla (from the living room):Of course I do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - Nighttime] (Gabrielle and Bill are walking down the sidewalk to Gabrielle's house.) Bill:What an amazing documentary,huh?You know,I read the director shot over four hundred hours of film. Gabrielle:Really? I only counted half that. Bill:I get it. You pick the next one. Gabrielle:Okay. (They reach Gabrielle's house and see that there's a large bouquet of flowers waiting on the porch.)
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Gabrielle:Look at you! Who knew you were such a romantic? Bill:Actually, I, I didn't send them. Gabrielle:You didn't? Bill:So, uh, who's making me look bad? Gabrielle:Uh, there's no signature. Sorry. This is kind of awkward. Bill:No, I, I don't care who worships you from afar, as long as I get to do it up close. Gabrielle:That's sweet that you're not jealous. Carlos would've hit the roof if some guy sent me...would you excuse me a minute? (She storms off with the flowers towards Mike's house and to where Carlos is lifting weights in the garage.) Gabrielle:Nice try, Carlos. Carlos:Huh? Gabrielle:Oh, don't act innocent. You know you sent me these flowers. Carlos:Why would I get you flowers? Gabrielle:To sabotage my new relationship. Carlos:Oh, with picnic boy? What do I care if you go out with him? Gabrielle:Oh, you care.First,you move across the street.And then, earlier today,I catch you spying on me-Carlos:I was not spying. I was mocking you. Gabrielle:You need to move on, Carlos. Carlos:I have moved on! You're the one talking to your ex during the middle of a date. Is he that boring? Gabrielle:Bill is not boring. He is vibrant, and, and sexy. Carlos:And yet here you are. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is cleaning up after dinner and finds the doll she gave Kayla stuffed in the trashcan, chili all over it, and the arms removed. Later, she's moisturizing her face while talking to Tom, who's sitting in bed.) Tom:She threw your doll in the trash? Lynette:No. First, she ripped off its arms, stuffed it with chili. Then she threw it in the trash. Tom:So what did you do? Lynette:Nothing. Tom:And this is after you let her watch TV during dinner? Lynette:Well, I didn't know what else to do. I'm trying to win over a little girl who clearly doesn't want a new mother. Tom:Well, I guess giving her special treatment isn't gonna solve anything. Lynette:You know what might solve something?If you were home once in a while.You're the one she listens to. Tom:I am trying to open up a restaurant. Our life savings are riding on this thing. Lynette:I know, I know. I know. Tom:You know what? I don't want you to be afraid to take a firm hand with Kayla. She's part of our family now, and you know what that means. Lynette:Yeah. I should treat her as badly as I treat my own children. Tom:Exactly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Julie and Austin are kissing each other passionately while lying on her bed. Austin's hand travels down to Julie's pants. She pushes his hand away.) Julie:Sorry. Um, I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
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Austin:That's cool. You can't blame me for trying,though. Julie:Austin, you know I want to. It's just... Austin:Hey, don't sweat it. All right, if you're not ready, you're not ready. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Julie and Danielle are in the kitchen, talking. Andrew stands behind them in the doorway, listening.) Danielle:So he didn't pressure you at all? What a great guy. Julie:I know.I'm so lucky. Underneath all that bad boy posturing,he's a real gentleman. Andrew:Wow,you're not only a virgin, you think like one. Danielle:Beat it, eavesdropper. Julie:No,wait. Um...what did you mean by that? Andrew:Well, uh...guys need sex. All right? It's basic science. So if he's not getting it from you, he'll end up getting it somewhere else. Danielle:You're a moron. Not all guys pressure girls for sex. Andrew:Yeah, gay guys don't. But Austin's not gay, not even after three beers. Don't ask. Danielle:So what's your point? Andrew:If a guy has to wait too long to see you naked,he'll end up seeing you as a friend. Again... science. (He leaves.) Danielle:Don't listen to him. You hold on to your virginity. If Austin won't wait, then he doesn't deserve you. Julie:I just don't wanna lose him. Danielle:It's better than losing your self-respect. Take it from a girl who's known at school as Little Miss Van De Tramp. Julie:I thought you made that up. Danielle:Only 'cause it was nicer than the other names they were calling me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house] (Bill is loading up his car with clothing and other items.) Bill:I really appreciate you donating this stuff. Gabrielle:Anything for a good cause. Bill:Everyone at the shelter's gonna be so excited. (Gabrielle sees Carlos jog by them and she watches him.) Gabrielle:Yeah. Bill:I mean, to you and me, these are just a bunch of old clothes. But to a homeless woman...it's a chance for her to feel pretty again. You okay? Gabrielle:What? Bill:I asked if you're okay. You seem kind of distracted. Gabrielle:I...am fine. Yes,I just remembered today's my mother's birthday. Can we stop by the florist on the way to the shelter? Bill:Yeah. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan calls up Detective Ridley.) Susan:Detective Ridley, my name is Susan Mayer, and I'm calling to "drop a dime" on someone. That's the expression, right? Detective Ridley:Yes, ma'am. You've got the lingo down pat. Susan:Good.Uh, his name is Orson Hodge, and he had an affair with the woman that you think Mike Delfino
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killed. Detective Ridley:Monique Polier? Are you sure? Because Mr. Hodge saw her body in the morgue. He acted like he didn't know her. Susan:Well, he does, and so he's pretending he didn't. That's suspicious, right? Detective Ridley:Well, um... (Susan gets a call waiting beep on her phone.) Susan:Oh, uh, can you hold on? (She transfers over to the other line.) Susan:Hello? Bree:Susan. Hi. It's Bree. Susan:Bree? Uh...hi. Can you hold on a second? (She switches back over to the detective.) Susan:It's Orson's wife. She can't know I called you. Detective Ridley:Then how about you don't tell her? Susan:Right. Sorry. Uh, I'm just new to this whole snitch thing. Hold on, okay? (She switches back to Bree.) Susan:Bree, hi. Sorry about that. Damn telemarketer. So what can I do for you? Bree:I just feel really awful about our fight, and I-I think it's time for an apology. Susan:Bree, I am so relieved. Bree:Would you join Orson and me for dinner tomorrow night? Susan:Oh, uh...sure. Bree:Good. I'll see you at eight o'clock. Susan:Bree...I just want you to know that no matter what, your friendship means the world to me. Bree:Oh, Susan, you know, I feel exactly-(Susan switches back over to the detective.) Susan:It's me again. You should also know that Orson spent a year in an asylum. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Florist] (Gabrielle walks into the florist's shop.) Florist:Hi. Can I help you? Gabrielle:Hi. I received some flowers from your shop yesterday and the card didn't say who they were from. Can you check The name is Solis. Florist:Sure, sure. Just give me a sec here. Solis? Gabrielle:Yeah. (The woman begins going through a box with orders in it.) Florist:Solis...Solis...huh. This is odd. The buyer asked to remain anonymous. Gabrielle:Really? Uh, well,the flowers were so beautiful, I'd like to know who to thank. Florist:Sorry. I have to honor their request. Gabrielle:Why? They're just flowers. They're not government secrets. Florist:If you don't mind, I'm busy. Gabrielle:Well, okay, wait, wait, wait,let me explain. Florist:What's to explain? A pretty girl gets flowers. Do you know how many girls never get flowers? I work in a flower shop. I've never gotten any freakin' flowers! So stop your whining about who sent them and just be glad he did. (She walks into a small cooler to put the flowers she was working on away.) Gabrielle:You're right,and I am so sorry for taking up so much of your time.
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(She sneaks up behind the woman and locks her in the cooler.) Gabrielle:Sorry for doing this. Florist:Hey! What the hell are you doing? Hey, hey, hey! Gabrielle:I'm gonna make it up to you, okay? Once I'm done, I'll send you flowers. Florist:Hey! You won't get away with this! I know where you live! Gabrielle:Yeah? Well, stop by. We'll hot tub. (Gabrielle begins rifling through the orders. Meanwhile, in the car, Bill is obviously becoming impatient. He gets out of the car and goes into the florist shop. The florist sees him.) Florist:Hey, mister, help! She locked me in here! Bill:Gaby? Gabrielle:This is totally her fault. I mean, I simply asked her if Carlos sent me the flowers, and she refused to show me the order slip. Bill:Are you still hung up on that? For god sake. Gabrielle:No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait. I just need a couple more minutes. I need to know the truth. Bill:What truth is that, huh? That you're still obsessed with your ex-husband? Gabrielle:What?! No, he's obsessed with me. Bill:You just imprisoned a florist to find out if he sent you roses. Gabrielle:Okay, I see what you mean. (She puts all of the orders back in the box.) Gabrielle:There. I'm done. Let's go. Bill:Actually...I think I'm done, too. I'm sorry. Gabrielle:It's okay. I'm probably not ready to date. (She leaves the shop. Bill lets the florist loose.) Florist:Thanks. And just so you know, I am ready to date. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Lynette stands up from a table where she was having dessert with the boys and Kayla. The boys stand up, too, but Kayla stays seated, her nearly full sundae glass in front of her.) Lynette:All right, let's hit it. Now come on, Kayla. Kayla:I haven't finished my ice cream. Lynette:Well, I'm sorry,but we gotta go. I have a dinner party I have to get to. Kayla:They got to finish their ice cream. Lynette:Well, they, you know, wolfed it down like kids are supposed to. So... hurry it up. (Kayla takes a small, slow bite.) Lynette:Kayla, I'm not fooling around. We--we're going. (Kayla continues to very slowly eat her ice cream.) Lynette:Mm-hmm. Okay. Boys, go to the car. I'll be out in a minute. Go. Listen, sweetheart, I don't blame you for being angry. Your mom's gone,and you're stuck with me. But...the last thing she said to me was, "promise you'll take care of Kayla," and I am going to. But you're gonna have to help me, okay? Kayla:We can leave when I'm done. Lynette:Okay, let's go. (Lynette grabs Kayla's arm to forcibly drag her out and Kayla begins screaming at the top of her lungs.) Lynette:Hey,whoa!Whoa,whoa,whoa!Okay. What the hell are you doing?! Stop, stop! Stop screaming! Stop! Kayla:Leave me alone! You're not my mommy! (Lynette lets go of Kayla, who stops screaming and goes back to slowly eating her ice cream. Lynette goes out to the car where the boys are piled in the back seat, staring at her.)
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Lynette:Guys, how would you like to eat dinner in front of the television for a whole week? (Back in the restaurant, the three boys surround Kayla at the table.) Kayla:What are you guys doing here? (A few minutes later, the three of them are dragging Kayla out to the car. She's screaming.) Twin:Kayla, stop screaming! You're hurting my ears! Parker:Get in the car! Twin:Come on! We're going home! Twin:Get your seat belt on! (They push her in the car and Lynette catches the eye of a woman passing by.) Lynette:Kids. They're always rough housing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park - Nighttime] (Julie and Austin are lying on the ground, kissing. Austin pulls away.) Julie:Why'd you stop? Austin:Well, uh, it's getting late. I got your blouse unbuttoned. That's usually when we call it a night. Julie:Do you wanna call it a night? Austin:What, do you wanna grab a pizza or something? Julie:I wanna do what...you wanna do. Austin:Well...you know what I wanna do. Julie:Well, okay. Austin:Are you sure? Julie:Yeah, I'm sure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (It's lunchtime and Mike is picking at his food while seated at a table with two other inmates.) Inmate:You can always spot the new guys by the way they pick through their food. So what did you do when you thought no one was looking? Mike:The cops say I killed a woman. Inmate:But you didn't, right? Mike:Actually, I have no idea. I got pretty banged up in an accident. The last two years are a blank. Inmate:Well...that's a fresh approach. I'm not sure the jury's gonna swallow it. Mike:It's the truth. (From a different table, another inmate turns around. It's Paul Young.) Paul:I believe you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom is tucking Kayla into bed.) Tom:Okay, Mrs. McCluskey's downstairs, and we will be right across the street if you need us. Kayla:Okay, daddy. Tom:You know, I heard what happened with Lynette today. Hey, she's doing her best. Why you being so hard on her? Kayla:'Cause it's her fault my mommy died. Tom:No. No, no, honey. It's not. Kayla:Mom only went to that store because Lynette was trying to steal me. Tom:Okay, that is not true. Look, honey, it is way more complicated than that. I know you miss your mommy and she loved you very much. But guess what? Lynette loves you, too. That's why you gotta give her a
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chance. Can you do that for me? Kayla:Okay. I'll be good. Tom:That's my girl. Kayla:But I'm never gonna love her... (From outside the room, Lynette is listening in.) Kayla:...and you can't make me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's house] (Gabrielle walks up to Carlos, who's sitting on the front porch, drinking.) Gabrielle:Well, you've won. Carlos:What did I win? Gabrielle:Bill and I split up. Carlos:Can't say I'm surprised. He wasn't right for you. Gabrielle:I know. So just admit you sent the flowers. Carlos:I didn't. Gabrielle:Carlos, just tell me. I won't be mad.I promise. Carlos:Gaby,if I was gonna send you flowers,I wouldn't send you pink roses.I'd send you white orchids, because I know they're your favorite.And if I wanted to cheer you up--sunflowers.And for the flu...blue irises. (Gabrielle sits down next to him.) Gabrielle:I hate that you know me so well, and it took so long for that to happen. Now I have to start over again with somebody else. Carlos:Yeah. That's what dating's for. I know, and it sucks. Gabrielle:I mean, you saw me. I went on a picnic and ate pudding out of a can. It was horrible. Carlos:Well, if it makes you feel any better, I dragged to the ballet the other night. Gabrielle:So you are dating. That's why you've been lifting weights and jogging. Carlos:Well, if you wanna bag the big game, gotta work on the guns. Gabrielle:I'll give you this--you're gonna be a tough act to follow, Carlos. Carlos:Back at ya, babe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree goes into a side room where Alma is touching up her make-up.) Bree:I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, but I don't want to introduce you until all my guests are here. Alma:I don't mind. Bree:By the way, when my friends ask you what happened--and they will--I don't think it's necessary to go into all that unpleasantness about Orson and Monique. All they need to know is that you're back and we're on good terms. Alma:And Orson didn't kill me. Bree:And Orson didn't kill you. (The doorbell rings.) Bree:Oh, okay, just one minute. That'll be Susan. (She leaves and Alma takes out a small case with a syringe and needle lying in it. She takes it out and injects her thigh with the needle.) (In the foyer, Bree lets Ian and Susan in. Susan hands Bree a covered cake dish.) Susan:Hi. I brought you a bundt cake. Don't worry.I didn't make it. Bree:Oh, you didn't have to do that. Susan:I was really touched by your call. It was so big of you.
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Bree:Well, when you're wrong, you're wrong. (Later, everyone is gathered around the table, ready to begin eating.) Bree:Now that we're all assembled, I'd like to introduce the guest of honor. I hope you'll all be as delighted to meet her as I was. You can come in now. (Alma walks in.) Bree:Everyone, this is Alma Hodge, Orson's first wife. (Everyone looks stunned. Bree leans over to whisper to Susan.) Bree:Oh, about that apology...any time you're ready. (Later, everyone is eating dinner.) Lynette:So you have been in Canada this entire time? Alma:Well, my Aunt Agnes has a place in Winnipeg. I hadn't planned on staying so long, but I needed the time to find myself. Gabrielle:It would've been nice if someone else could've found you.There was a whole lot of drama around here. Alma:Yes, I heard. People actually thought Orson had done away with me? Bree:Amazing, isn't it, where some people's minds will go? (Later, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Susan are washing dishes and preparing for dessert in the kitchen.) Lynette:Well, you gotta hand it to her. Just when you think Bree's thrown every conceivable theme party she hosts a "shame on you for thinking my husband killed someone" dinner. Susan:So Alma's alive. Big deal. We still don't know what went down between Orson and Monique. Gabrielle:Susan, please. We look stupid enough for suspecting him. Just let it go. (The doorbell rings. Bree answers it and Susan can see that it's Detective Ridley and a police officer.) Susan:It may be a little late for that. Bree:Detective Ridley. Can I help you? Detective Ridley:Yes. I'd like to speak to your husband. Bree:Oh, well, I'm afraid he's not here, but I will be happy to tell him that you came by. (From the other room, Orson calls out to her.) Orson:Who is it, darling? Detective Ridley:Excuse us. (They walk past her.) Bree:Can't this wait? We're having a dinner party. Detective Ridley:Hello, Dr. Hodge. Orson:Detective Ridley. Detective Ridley:We need you to come with us. We have some questions about that Jane Doe we showed you in the morgue. Orson:Why do you think I'd know anything about her? Detective Ridley:Well, you were having an affair with her when she died. Orson:Oh, where did you hear that? Bree:Susan? Susan:I didn't know they were gonna come tonight. Orson:Uh,I'm happy to answer any questions that you might have.My apologies.Please,stay.Enjoy the dessert. (Orson leaves with the detective and cop. Bree turns to Susan.) Bree:I don't believe this. You called the police? Susan:Well,obviously,you weren't going to.They needed to know that that dead woman was Orson's mistress.
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Bree: I told you that in confidence. Susan:Did you seriously think I could sit on information that would exonerate Mike? I mean, if you had seen his face in jail the other day... Ian:The other day? You--you saw Mike? Susan:Yeah. I--just to tell him about the lawyer. I know that Mike is innocent. Bree:Right, just like you knew she was dead. Ian:I thought we had an agreement. Susan:We do. Can we talk about this later? Ian:When? After your next conjugal visit? (Ian leaves the room. Susan rushes after him.) Susan:Ian. Wait! Bree:Boy, when it comes to Mike there's no one you won't betray. Susan:Excuse me? Gabrielle:Hey, guys... Bree:Please leave my house. Susan:Bree! Bree:You heard me. Get out! Susan:Okay, Bree, I know you're angry, but for the sake of our friendship-Bree:Oh, make no mistake, our friendship is over. (Susan and Bree go in separate directions.) Lynette:Okay. You go... Gabrielle:Okay. (Gabrielle goes after Susan and Lynette goes after Bree.) (Everyone has left the room except for Tom and Alma, who are still sitting at the table.) Tom:So, Winnipeg...must get pretty cold up there. (In the other room, Ian grabs his coat. Susan blocks the entrance to leave.) Ian:I'm just getting my coat. Susan:Ian, please, I just lost one of my best friends. I can't lose you, too. Ian:You said that you wouldn't see him again. Susan:But you had to know that I would go one more time to just explain everything. Ian:Actually, no, I didn't. Susan:Well, that's just crazy! Why are you acting like a crazy person? Ian:Because you've already left me once for this--this guy! Susan:Things are different now! I-I love you! You--you don't have to worry about that anymore. If we're gonna make this relationship work then you have to trust me and why are you smiling at me? Ian:You just said that you love me. Susan:Yeah? So? Ian:Well, you've never said that before. Susan:Yes, I have. Ian:No. I-I-I would've remembered. Susan:Well, I'm saying it now.I love you. Do you have a problem with that? No, ma'am. (He leans in and kisses her.) Susan:You--you--you can't kiss me now. I'm yelling at you. Ian:Well, I'm listening. (He moves around behind her and begins kissing the back of her neck.) Susan:Well...don't--don't think that you can get out of this, you know, by just...oh, god. Oh, yeah, uh, oh, yeah,
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right--right there. Oh, right there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Austin's room] (Austin is lying on his back in his bed. A woman's arm is draped over his chest, the rest of her hidden from view.) Austin:Look, I think we should stop doing this. I know it's my idea, but it just doesn't feel right anymore. (The woman lifts her head and it's Danielle.) Danielle:So you slept with Julie. It's no big deal. Austin:Well, it is to her and I don't want to see her get hurt. Danielle:Me, either. So let's just not tell her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Empty house] (Edie is showing Paul Young's old house to a prospective buyer who's out of sight.) Edie:There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful. All the floors are hardwood.Oh, there are brand-new appliances. And the gardens are...well, they're beautiful. So...what do you think? (She turns to the buyer and it's Alma.) Alma:I'll take it. Edie:Really? That's terrific! I'll draw up the papers in the morning. (Alma goes to look out the window.) Edie:If you don't mind me asking, why were you so interested in this particular street? Alma:I've been moving around a lot in the last few months, and I need a place where I can really settle down. You know what I mean? I wanna live in a place where children know how to behave, where people still have some sense of moral value, and where friendships are good and strong and last forever. That's what I'm looking for. Edie:Then I think Wisteria Lane is the place for you. Alma:Good. More than anything, I just wanna fit in. (She continues to watch the activities of the neighborhood through the window.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Oh, you will, Alma. You absolutely will. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X12: Not While I'm Around -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Mike:The last two years are a blank. Inmate:That's a fresh approach. Paul:I believe you. Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike couldn't place a familiar face... Coroner:Whoever killed her... Mary Alice Voiceover:The police couldn't identify a murder victim... Coroner:...pulled out all her teeth. Gabrielle:There's no signature. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle was getting showered with gifts...
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Florist:Buyer asked to remain anonymous. Mary Alice Voiceover:...from a mystery suitor. Tom:I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor! Mary Alice Voiceover:And Lynette couldn't believe... Lynette:Oh, dear God. Mary Alice Voiceover:...what her husband had done. Julie:I wanna do what...you wanna do. Mary Alice Voiceover:Julie's first love was two-timing her,and Orson's first wife... Alma:I'm Alma Hodge. Mary Alice Voiceover:...wasn't going away... Edie:What do you think? Alma:I'll take it. Mary Alice Voiceover:...anytime soon. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Your average housewife worries constantly about the dangerous people she sees on the nightly news, which is why she buy expensive alarm systems, carries pepper spray in her purse and keeps a gun in her drawer, so she can go about her day feeling safe and protected. (The various housewives protect themselves by setting alarms, putting baseball bats by the front door, etc.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Your average inmate worries constantly about the dangerous people he comes in contact with every day, which is why he takes ordinary items and turns them into weapons that he always keeps handy, so he can go about his day feeling safe and protected. (In prison, Mike Delfino takes a toothbrush and spends time sharpening the end of it before slipping it in his sock to hide it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:What is the difference between the housewife and the inmate? The inmate knows the feeling won't last long. [Prison] (Mike wanders into the exercise yard and as he passes by two other inmates, they nudge each other, then get up and follow Mike, where they corner him.) Inmate:Delfino, right? Mike:Yeah. So? (The men attack him. As they kick and punch him, Paul Young comes rushing over and fights off the attackers.) Inmate:Come on, brah, let's go. (The attackers leave.) Paul:You okay? Mike:Yeah. I owe you one. Paul:Yeah. I guess you do. (They wander off separately.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, we all need protection from those who would do us harm... (Paul finds the two inmates who beat up Mike and surreptitiously hands one of them some cash as he walks by.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And sometimes from those who protect us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Wild parties. Handsome strangers. Tender kisses.
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(Gabrielle is in a car with friends. They drop her off in front of her house.) Gabrielle:Oh. I had a great time. Bye. (She walks up to her house and unlocks the front door.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, there were many things Gabrielle Solis liked about being single again. But coming home to an empty house was not one of them. (She steps inside and screams as she sees a figure standing there. She throws her purse at it and turns on the light to reveal a mannequin wearing an expensive dress.) (A few minutes later, she knocks on Mikes front door and Carlos opens the door.) Gabrielle:Hi. You're sleeping at my place tonight. Carlos:Really? What did you have in mind? (Later, at Gabrielles house, Carlos is lying on the couch and Gabrielle hands him a pillow.) Carlos:God, I hate my life. Gabrielle:Honestly, did you think I was gonna sleep with you? Carlos:It would be the polite way to thank me. Gabrielle:Carlos, this isn't funny. I am scared to death of this maniac. Carlos:Since when? Yesterday you were loving all the presents, the intrigue. Gabrielle:The guy broke into the house. He went from secret admirer to stalker. For all I know, he's trying to kill me so no one else will have me. Carlos:Why don't you just call the cops? Gabrielle:Oh, and tell them what? 9-1-1, somebody broke in the house And left a six thousand dollar dress! Carlos:Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly? Gabrielle:Nothing. Just having you here helps. Carlos:Now that's very sweet. Gabrielle:Because when he breaks in And starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape. Carlos:Glad I could help. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette is sitting on the table drinking wine when a key turns in the front door and Tom comes inside.) Lynette:Hey, stranger. Tom:Hey. Lynette:You have good timing. I just got all the kids to sleep. Tom:Aw, damn, I wanted to tuck 'em in. Lynette:Well, you could tuck me in. Tom:I thought I smelled your sex perfume. Come here. Hi. (He leans Lynette back on the table so hes nearly lying on top of her.) Lynette:Hi. Tom:Hi. Lynette:Mmm. Tom:Oh, oh, oh, mmm. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't get me all revved up just yet. The printer said he was gonna drop off my menu on his way home. Lynette:He already did. Tom:Oh, you didn't look at that, did you? 'Cause it--it's just a mock-up. Lynette:Too late. I looked...and it's great. Tom:Really? Lynette:Yes. I love the font, the color, everything. I am so jazzed to see the restaurant.
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Tom:It is so good to hear that. Mmm. Lynette:Ooh! (They begin kissing again.) Lynette:So... any idea when that might be? Tom:Sure. How about... two weeks? Lynette:Hey. You open in two weeks. Tom:Yeah. Well, that'd be a good time for you to come by, 'Cause there's free refills,balloons, music... Lynette:Might there be a V.I.P. preview for people, say, who bore your children? Tom:Lynette... Lynette:Yeah? Tom:I don't want you to see it until it's all done. Lynette:Why not? Tom:Because you will take one look at the place. And then you'll have all these tips and suggestions that you just won't be able to keep to yourself. Lynette:Ya think? 'Cause I just saw a take-out menu with a six-digit phone number, and I kept that to myself. Tom:See? There it is! That snarky, know-it-all attitude. Lynette:What? I am snarky because I point out one small, glaring mistake? Tom:That's it. Now you're banned from the opening. Lynette:Fine! Good night. (She gets up and goes up the stairs.) Tom:So... we're not having sex? Lynette:Hey, you banned me from your opening. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] (Julie and Austin are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.) Julie:All Im saying is that Id feel a lot safer on the pill. Austin:But if you're not eighteen, you need parental consent. Do we really need to give your mother another reason to hate me? Julie:She'll hate you a lot worse if you get me--Hey! (Susan walks into the room with a basket of laundry. She stops.) Julie:Hi. Susan:Hi. Bye. Julie:Bye. Austin:Bye. (She goes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, she quietly puts down the basket of laundry and gets on her hands and knees to creep back down the stairs to eavesdrop.) Austin:Can't we just keep using condoms and be extra careful? Julie:Are you crazy? They're not dependable. Austin:Sure, they are. Why do you think everybody uses them? They all have to pass inspection. Julie:It's too risky. Condoms are only eighty-five percent effective. (Susan falls down the stairs.) Julie:Mom! Mom, what happened? Are you okay? Susan:Oh! I was just, uh...I lost an earring. Julie:Mom, you're wearing both your earrings. Susan:Oh! I found it. Austin, I would like to talk to my daughter privately. Austin:Sure. Call me later.
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(He leaves.) Susan:Why were you two talking about condoms? Julie:Why were you eavesdropping? Susan:Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought that I raised you to be smarter than that. Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games? It's dangerous. Every time you turn around, there's a new disease. Do you want it to burn when you pee? Julie:Mom Susan:Sex kills! Julie:Mom! Susan:What? Julie:I'm not having sex. Susan:Really? Julie:Really. Susan:Oh, thank god. If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms? Julie:Because we know two kids at school who are, and they're only using condoms, which really stupid because condoms are only eighty-five percent effective. Susan:Yes. That's right. A condom alone will not protect you. Julie:I totally agree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's house] (Bree looks out her window and sees Edie across the street with Alma at Almas new house. She goes outside to where Edie and Alma are.) Alma:Bree! Bree:Alma! I-I didn't know that, uh, you knew Edie. Alma:I told your friends at that dinner party I was looking for a new house. Bree:A house? Alma:Yes, and Gaby introduced us. Bree:Oh. Well, um...I don't want to keep you. I'm sure that Edie has lots of other houses to show you. Alma:Nope. We're done. Alma took one look at the Applewhite house, And bam! Love at first sight. Bree:What? Alma:We're gonna be neighbors. Bree:No! I mean...I mean, no, Alma, you can't buy this house. Alma:Why not? Bree:Well, are you aware of its history? The previous owner was harboring a murderer. Edie:It was her son. Say what you like, she was a great mom. Bree:They had a dungeon in the basement.I mean, people say they still hear groans coming from the house at night. (Alma turns to look at the house and Edie leans over to Bree and whispers in her ear.) Edie:They're gonna hear groans coming from your house if you don't zip it. (Alma turns back to Bree and Edie.) Bree:Don't worry, Alma, Im sure that, uh, Edie can find you a house that won't give you nightmares. Alma:It's too late, Bree. I've fallen in love with this neighborhood. And as for that haunted house stuffwell, that's just silly. People don't come back from the dead. (She and Edie walk off.) Bree:Don't I wish. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Bree's house] (Orson and Bree are making dinner.) Bree:I will not have that woman as a neighbor. You have got to do something. Orson:I said Id talk to her. Bree:So what are you waiting for? Orson:The house is dark. She's not there. Bree:Oh, so you're just gonna wait until she moves in? Orson:I will deal with it. Bree, please calm down. Bree:How can I be calm?! For months, people thought you killed your first wife. No sooner does she show up and clear your name, than the police haul you off to ask you about another murder! Orson:They just had some questions. Bree:Everybody has questions. Susan and I aren't even speaking because of it. Orson:Bree, please. Bree:I try to hold my head up and smile and just bake more pies for the church social. But now your ex is camped out on our doorstep like I am hosting some kind of Mormon slumber party, and I do not know how I am gonna bake my way out of this one! Orson:Darling, I swear to you, I will get Alma out of that house. I don't care if I have to live up to my reputation and strangle her. Bree:Oh, you're a good husband. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Julie and Austin are sitting on Edies couch while Edie stands.) Edie:Have you lost your mind? I am not getting you the pill. Austin:Aunt Edie, Julie and I are in love. Edie:Oh, please. It's not love you're feeling. It's hormones. Austin:That's not true. Edie:Okay, fine. If you want to...express your love, you don't need to go all the way. Kiss. Touch. Rub. I mean, whatever happened to heavy petting? It's so underrated. Austin:That's your advice? Edie:Well, Im sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex. Julie:So you're not gonna help us? Edie:Julie, if I do this, your mother would have my head. You should be talking to her. Julie:I can't talk to her. The whole idea of this completely freaks her out. She started screaming sex kills. Edie:Hmm, so now it's all in my lap. God, she pisses me off. Look, how about I spring for a box of condoms? Will that get you two off my back? Julie:Condoms are only eighty-five percent effective. Edie:Is that true? Damn. I thought I could coast all the way to menopause. Austin:Look, we're gonna have sex whether you help us or not. Julie:We're just trying to be responsible. Edie:Hmm. All right. But just so you know, the responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There. I said it out loud, just in case anybody asks. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] (Carlos walks into Gabrielles bedroom. Shes in the dressing room, with the doors closed.) Carlos:Gaby, I need another pillow. Gabrielle:All right. Don't take the big one. That's my favorite.
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Carlos:It's only for one night. 'Cause tomorrow Im gonna be back home sleeping in my own bed. Gabrielle:What?! You can't abandon me! There's a madman stalking me. My life is on the line. Do you know how scared I am? (She opens the dressing room doors to reveal that shes wearing the dress her stalker gave her.) Carlos:You're keeping that? Gabrielle:Hey, Im scared, but not of the dress. (Later that night, a car door slams in the distance and Gabrielle wakes up. She looks out the window and sees a man walking toward her house. She rushes downstairs and wakes up Carlos.) Gabrielle:Carlos! Carlos, wake up! I need you! Carlos:Oh, yeah, I thought you'd come around. Gabrielle:What? No! (She slaps him. He wakes up fully.) Carlos:Hey! Gabrielle:He's here. (The man puts something down on Gabrielles front porch. Carlos opens the door and the man runs. Carlos runs after him and tackles him on the front lawn.) Gabrielle:Carlos, be careful! He might have a gun! (She runs up to him when Carlos has him down and she begins to kick him.) Man:Im unarmed. Stop kicking me! Gabrielle:Oh, now you're gonna give me attitude?! Man:Ow! Carlos:Gaby, we got him. Maintain. (Later, the man is sitting on the front porch with his cell phone to his ear as Carlos and Gabrielle stand over him.) Gabrielle:This jerk has been terrorizing me. He broke into my house! Man:It was a six thousand dollar dress, and my boss didn't want me leaving it on the porch. Gabrielle:Your boss? (The man speaks into the cell phone.) Man:Hey, uh, ahem, Im sorry to wake you, sir, but there was a problem dropping off the gift. Yes, and she's, uh, right here with me. (Gabrielle grabs the phone away.) Gabrielle:This is Gabrielle. Who the hell is this? Yes, I got your token of esteem, and Im not impressed. Because you're freaking me out, that's why! No, I don't care how much it cost. That's beside the point. Really? That much? Carlos:Tell him if he doesn't stop harassing you, you're gonna call the cops. Gabrielle:Look, I know you're trying to be romantic, But if you keep this up, Im gonna be forced... (She pauses and laughs.) Carlos:What'd he say? Gabrielle:That's very sweet of you, But I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. Carlos:Tell him you're gonna get a restraining order on him. Gabrielle:Yes, I-I may be in the top ten. Carlos:Gaby! Gabrielle: (to Carlos) Hey, Im talking here!(into the phone) Your voice sounds so familiar. Do I know you?(to Carlos) He says I know him and that he wants to reintroduce himself at dinner. Carlos:Absolutely not. Gabrielle:I would not feel comfortable meeting for dinner.
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Carlos:Good girl. Gabrielle:How about lunch? Carlos:Gaby! Gabrielle:But you have to promise to stop buying me these expensive gifts. Because Im not that kind of girl. Well, for that many karats, yes, I could be that kind of girl. Um, I gotta go. I'll talk to you tomorrow! Oh, how about that? And here I was, thinking some guy wants to murder me in my sleep. Carlos:The night's still young. (Carlos goes inside.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (Paul goes up to Mike.) Paul:How are those ribs? Mike:Ah, just needed some tape. Man, those guys were hard-core. You really saved my ass. Paul:Don't mention it. Mike:No. Seriously. If theres ever anything I can do for you, you just say the word. Paul:I'll keep that in mind. Mike:All right. (Paul walks off. A guard motions Mike over.) Guard:Hey, Delfino. Mike:Yeah, boss? Guard:You might wanna find yourself another prom date. Guy's not your friend. Mike:How do you know that? Guard:After those mutts knocked you around the other day, your boy paid 'em off. Mike:You sure? Guard:I saw money change hands. Just watch your back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] (Gabrielle is sitting at the kitchen table while Susan prepares coffee.) Susan:So I was in the middle of totally freaking out when Julie assured me that she's not having sex. I can't tell you how relieved I was. Gabrielle:Uh-huh. Susan:Don't say "uh-huh" like that.Julie wouldn't lie to me.If she says shes not having sex,then she's not having sex. Gabrielle:Ooh-kay. Susan:You can't say "ooh-kay" like that, either. Julie's not like other girls. She's a straight-"A" student. Gabrielle:And you were valedictorian. What were you up to that your mother didn't know about? (Later, the two of them are in Julies bedroom.) Susan:Ok, you search the closet. I'm gonna look under the bed. Gabrielle:Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransackingremember where everything goes. (She takes out her camera phone and takes three quick pictures of the room from various angles.) Susan:You are gonna make a really good mother someday. Gabrielle:So what does this diary look like? Susan:Uh, it's small. It's got a plaid cover. Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress. Gabrielle:Oh, god! Susan:You found it?
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(Gabrielle pulls a miniskirt out of the closet and holds it up to herself.) Gabrielle:This is adorable! You think maybe I could Susan:No, you cannot borrow it. Gabrielle:Fine. Why does Julie have a VCR? Susan:To watch movies. Gabrielle:Please. Kids don't watch videos anymore. Everything's digital. (Susan goes over and pushes the Eject button on the VCR. A videotape pops out.) Susan:See? It's just a tape. Gabrielle:Is it? (Gabrielle pulls out the tape and opens it to reveal birth control pills.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Almas house] (Alma is measuring for drapes when Orson walks inside.) Orson:Alma. What do you think you're doing? Alma:Measuring for drapes. I'm thinking damask. Orson:You know what I mean. Why have you moved here? Alma:Well, it's a very nice street, and Ive made friends here. People have taken such an interest in me. Orson:Yeah, they thought you were dead. The novelty of your not being a corpse can't last forever. What are you after, hmm? Are you still punishing me? You want me to pay you to leave? What? Alma:I want what Ive always wanted--You. Orson:I'm married. And--And even if I weren't, I don't love you. Alma:You didn't love the old Alma. I'm not that woman anymore. I'm stronger, more confident. It may take you a while to see that, but I can wait. Orson:Alma, I love Bree. Alma:But does she love you? Oh, she may love the Orson she knows... (The two of them step out onto the porch.) Alma:But does she know what you did to Monique? Does she know you ran over Mike Delfino? I know all that. I still love you. Would she? Orson:So I see you've spoken to mother. Alma:Yes. It's nice to have someone on my side in all of this. Don't worry. I won't tell Bree. She might go to the police and you're no good to me in jail. But if I thought I had no chance with you, no chance at all...well, there'd be nothing to stop me from telling. Please, Orson, don't take away my hope. (She leans over and kisses Orson on the cheek. Across the street, Bree watches from her house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Orson enters and Bree meets him.) Orson:She's not going. Bree:Why not? And what the hell was that on the porch?! Orson:She kissed me good-bye. What was I supposed to do, slug her? Bree:You went over there to read her the riot act. Instead, it looked like you were reading her a bedtime story. Orson:Bree, I told her we don't want her here. I threatened, I shouted. She refuses to go. We're just gonna have to make the best of it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Toms restaurant] (Tom picks up his cell phone when it rings.) Tom:Hello?
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Lynette:Hey, it's me. You wanna meet for lunch? Tom:No, honey, I got--I gotta drive to Greendale to pick out napkins. Remember? I told ya. Lynette:Oh. Yeah, that's right. Tom:So Ill, um, Ill see you tonight. Lynette:Okay. Good. I'll see ya. (He gets into his car and drives away. Across the street, Lynette gets out of her car, where she was watching Tom, and goes into the restaurant. She looks around, visibly impressed.) Lynette:Oh... my... god. Andrew:Hey, Mrs. Scavo. (In the corner, Andrew is sitting on the floor playing a handheld video game.) Lynette:Andrew, hi! I thought you weren't starting until the opening. Andrew:Oh, yeah, there's just so much work that needs to be done. Mr. Scavo asked me to start early. Lynette:Oh. Andrew:He's not here, by the way. Lynette:Yeah,I-I know.And hey,don't tell him I stopped by.I'm not supposed to be here.I just wanted to sneak a peek. (She pauses.) Lynette:Shouldn't you be working? Andrew:Shouldn't you not be here? Lynette:Touch. Andrew:So, uh, how do you like the place? Lynette:I think it's fantastic. It's really coming together. Ooh, I love the bar. Andrew:Oh, yeah, it's, uh, it's pretty cool. It's too bad we can't get a liquor license. Lynette:What? Andrew:Oh, uh, didn't Mr. Scavo tell you? Lynette:No, he didn't. Don't, um, restaurants make half their money on the liquor? Andrew:Oh. Yeah. We're--we're completely screwed. Lynette:This is a nightmare. How did this happen? Andrew:Uh, the city, uh, rezoned and said he had to get all the residents within a block to sign a waiver, and there are some holdouts. He's kinda bummin'. Lynette:Well,then why isn't he dealing with it instead of shopping for napkins?We could lose our shirts in this dump! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] (Susan is on the phone while holding the birth control pills.) Susan:Is this Dr. Marvin Tashman? Hi. My name is Susan Mayer. Um, my daughter Julie came in to see you...Yes, about birth control. So Im just curious...Where do you get off prescribing that without my consent?! What?! No, I most certainly was not there. What do I look like? I don't have blonde hair. (She looks out the window and sees Edie talking with Alma on Almas front lawn.) Susan:Wait, did my blonde hair have dark roots? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Almas house] (Almas about to go inside when Edie turns to her.) Edie:Oh! I forgot to give you the keys to the shed. (Susan comes out of her house and shouts across the road to Edie.) Susan:You got my daughter the pill?!
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(Edie turns to Alma.) Edie:Here. Catch. (She throws the keys to Alma, then walks quickly back to her own house. Susan runs to follows her.) Susan:Don't you walk away from me! Edie:Do we have to do this now? Susan:Yes, we do. You might have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, But that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter! Edie:Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "Hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?" She came to me. Susan:You do not get to decide this for her! What were you thinking?! Edie:Aah! I was thinking, if Julie got knocked up, That--That you and I could become family, And Im sorry, I cannot take that chance. Susan:Oh, you know what? It wasn't till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, And now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex! She's just a boob job away from being you! Edie:Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex. The genie is out of the bottle. And you better get good with it, or you could lose her forever. 'Cause like it or not, she loves him. And you know what else? He loves her. (They enter Edies house and see Austin making out with a girl on the couch.) Edie:Ahem! (Austin and the girl look up in shock. The girl is Danielle.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fancy Restaurant] (As Gabrielle is seated at a table, the maitre d hands her a menu.) Maitre D: Your gentleman friend went to make a call. He'll be with you shortly. Gabrielle:Thank you. Oh. (Zach Young comes up to Gabrielle.) Zach:Gabrielle. Gabrielle:Zach Young! Oh, my god! It's been ages. Wow. Look at you! So handsome in a suit. Zach:You look beautiful. Gabrielle:Aren't you sweet? Uh, well, anyway, I--I'd love to catch up, But Im kinda waiting for someone. Zach:Yes, I know. (He sits down across from Gabrielle.) Zach:So the dress fits. Cool. (The waiter comes up to them.) Zach:I'd like a bottle of your 1982 Chteau Lafitte Rothschild, please. Waiter:I'm sorry. How old are you? Zach:Oh, uh, why don't we say...a hundred? (He hands the waiter a hundred dollar bill.) Waiter:So you are. (The waiter leaves.) Gabrielle:Wow, someone got an advance on their allowance. Zach:I was my grandfather's sole heir. I'm--I'm actually in the Fortune four hundred. Does that--does that seem weird to you? Gabrielle:I'm on a date with Zach Young. Nothing's ever gonna seem weird again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's house]
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(Lynette is talking with Mrs. McCluskey, whos holding Penny on her lap.) Lynette:Every cent we have is circling the bowl and Tom never said a word. Why didn't he come to me? Mrs. McCluskey:Well, clearly, he's embarrassed. Lynette:But Im his wife. Mrs. McCluskey:Don't be dense, Lynette. Half the reason men want to accomplish anything is so they can show off for the women they love and when they fail, they like to keep it to themselves. Lynette:I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell him I went to the restaurant And that I know he screwed up and that Im gonna fix it. Mrs. McCluskey:Oh, for god sake, it's bad enough you cut off his cojones. Now you wanna juggle them? Lynette:My husband is in trouble. I love him. Shouldn't I want to help him? Mrs. McCluskey:Well, if you really love him, you should help him without letting him know that you did. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fancy Restaurant] Zach:Yeah, so in addition to my penthouse, I also have a chteau in Switzerland And a cottage in the Hamptons. That's pretty impressive, huh? Gabrielle:You got a little chocolate on your shirt. Zach:Hmm? Damn it! Gabrielle:Here, let me get it. Zach:No, I can do it! I can do it! I--I'd like to do it myself, thank you very much. I'm sorry, I--you know, Ill--I'll be neater for you next time. Gabrielle:Next time? Honey, let's get real. You are way too young for me. Zach:I'm two months older than John Rowland. Gabrielle:Well, John Rowland was a mistake. I was lonely. Zach:You're not lonely now? Gabrielle:You've heard about my divorce. Zach:Yeah. You were really smart to get rid of Carlos. You deserve much better. Gabrielle:And let me guess--now you're my upgrade? Zach:Well, everybody knows you need someone to take care of you, and Im rich now. I can give you anything you want. Gabrielle:Wait a minute. Who says I need someone to take care of me? Zach:My mom, her friends from the neighborhood. They said it was the only reason you stayed with Carlos, considering how he treated you. Gabrielle:Well, they were wrong. Thank you for lunch, Zach. Zach:Wait,Gabrielle.I'm not that awkward kid that I was before.Can you please just...Please take me seriously. Gabrielle:I'm sorry. I just can't. Zach:I'm not--I'm not gonna give up. Gabrielle:Oh, sweetie. I really wish you would. (She leans over and kisses him on his forehead. As she starts to pull back, he grabs her and kisses her on the mouth. Gabrielle yanks herself away.) Gabrielle:For god sakes, Zach! Don't hijack a Ferrari if you don't know how to drive! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mr. Gaunt's house - nighttime] (Lynette knocks on the door and an older man opens.) Lynette:Mr. Gaunt? Hi, Im Lynette Scavo. My husband is opening the pizzeria right down the block-Mr. Gaunt:If it's about that liquor license, I'm not signing.
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Lynette:Please, Ive been at this for hours. Just hear me out. Mr. Gaunt:Well, I never could resist a pretty lady. Lynette:Oh! Mr. Gaunt:Come on in. Lynette:Thank you. (Later, Lynette is holding a drink as she looks at the pictures Mr. Gaunt has on his wall. There are many pictures of him with showgirls.) Lynette:Did you live in Las Vegas? Mr. Gaunt:I was a croupier for forty years, and as you can see, I had a weakness for showgirls. Lynette:I bet you were quite the player. Mr. Gaunt:You have no idea. Can I top you off there? Lynette:No, thanks. Two's my limit. Mr. Gaunt:Well, suit yourself. (The two of them sit across from each other at the kitchen table.) Lynette:Look, I understand your concerns about the license. Your neighbors had them, too. But they signed the waiver once I explained to them that this is a family restaurant. No late nights, no loud music. Mr. Gaunt:If there's one thing I learned in Vegas, it's that booze turns most people into noisy jackasses, and I don't want 'em puking on my doorstep. Lynette:Come on, Harry. You are my last holdout. What's it gonna take? Cash? Uh, free pizza for the rest of your life? You name it. Mr. Gaunt:Look, I-I hate to disappoint a pretty lady, but Im not signing. Lynette:Harry,my husband quit his job to start this restaurant,and if we can't sell liquor,we can't make a profit. (She notices that hes staring at her breasts.) Lynette:And whoa, whoa, whoa, Harry. Eyes up here. Mr. Gaunt:Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Lynette:This place is his dream, and if he can't make it work, then it's just gonna kill him, and consequently it's gonna kill our marriage. (She notices that hes staring at her breasts again.) Lynette:And, Harry--Harry, what did I say? Mr. Gaunt:I know, uh, uh, I don't mean to be rude. It's just that my showgirl days were a while ago, And I can't remember the last time I laid eyes on a... a beautiful woman's...bosom. Lynette:Really? Well, what if I were to very briefly refresh your memory? (Later, Mr. Gaunt is signing the papers while Lynette buttons up her shirt.) Mr. Gaunt:Completely worth it. Lynette:Glad you thought so. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Almas house] (Movers are carrying furniture into Almas house. Alma talks to her bird.) Alma:Mmm! Me on, baby. Say it one more time for mommy. Mover:So you can teach 'em to say whatever you want? Alma:Oh, yes. These birds are very bright. I think they're smarter than people. Some people, anyway. (Bree walks over to Almas house and comes inside.) Alma:Bree! Come in. I just made some lemonade. Bree:This isn't a social call. We need to talk. Alma:About what? Bree:About what it's gonna take to get you to sell this house and move.
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Alma:Move? Why? Bree:You're my husband's ex-wife. You disappeared so people would think he killed you.Does my discomfort really need any further explanation? Alma:I had no idea you felt this way. Bree:Oh, please. Orson made it perfectly clear we don't want you here. Alma:Okay, now Im really confused. When Orson came by, all he said was, "Welcome to the street" and did I need help unpacking. Bree:That's not true. Alma:You know what? I-I think Ive said too much. How about that lemonade? (She pours out a glass of lemonade. A mover comes into the kitchen.) Mover:Ma'am, where would you like this? Alma:Ooh, uh, upstairs. I'll show you.(to Bree) Here, drink this. You look a little pale. Be right back. (Bree stands in the kitchen alone, holding onto her lemonade. The bird begins to talk.) Parrot:Don't tell Bree. (Bree drops the glass of lemonade on the floor.) Parrot:Don't tell Bree. (Bree walks over to the pantry to find a dustpan. As she steps into the pantry, her heel catches on a small hole in the floor and she realizes that the floor board is loose. She crouches down and pries up the board. Underneath is a picture of Orson and Monique, both looking very happy and content. Next to the picture is a small velvet bag. Bree picks it up and empties the contents into her hand. The contents of the bag are bloody teeth.) Bree (whispering):Oh, my... (She hears noises from upstairs and quickly pours the teeth back into the bag, puts the picture back, and replaces the floor board. She stands back up and starts to leave the pantry, where she bumps into Alma.) Alma:Are you all right? Bree:I'm so sorry. I br--broke a glass. Alma:Don't worry. I'll get it. Bree:Well, okay... I have to go. Alma:Oh, Bree. Wait. I understand why you might feel a little threatened about my moving in here. But in time, you'll see Im...I'm perfectly harmless. (Bree leaves.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house - nighttime] (Gabrielle is sitting on the front porch when Carlos walks up.) Carlos:So... how was the mystery date? Gabrielle:Uh, it was fabulous. Thanks for asking. Carlos:Oh, come on. I want details. Who is he? Gabrielle:Oh, some global financier, saw me on the cover of Paris Match. Good-looking, just not my type. Carlos:Really? 'Cause I always thought that you and Zach would make a really great couple. Gabrielle:You son of a bi*ch. You were there? Carlos:Parked across the street, laughing my ass off. Gabrielle:I can't believe you followed me. Carlos:I thought you were meeting a psycho killer for lunch. I was worried. Well, at least until they brought out the crayons and children's menus. Gabrielle:All right, off my porch. Carlos:Okay, but don't forget, you asked me to watch your back.
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Gabrielle:Yeah, about that--Um, Im installing an alarm system tomorrow, so Im not gonna need you to look after me anymore. Carlos:Gaby, I don't mind. Gabrielle:I mind. We're divorced. I can't keep running to you every time I get scared. I want to be the kind of woman who can take care of herself. Carlos:Well...good for you. I'm still right down the block, so if you do need me... Gabrielle:I won't. But thank you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[ Lynette's house] (Lynette comes down the stairs into the kitchen and sees Tom there pouring himself a glass of wine.) Lynette:Hey. Tom:Hey. Lynette:You're home early. Tom:I'm celebrating. We got our liquor license today. Lynette:Really? That's great! Tom:Yeah, Andrew said he went all over the neighborhood getting signatures. Lynette:Good for him. Tom:But I think he's lying. I think somebody else got the signatures. Lynette:Okay, let's say just for the sake of argument, that someone else did. Someone who clearly loves you very much. What's wrong with that? Tom:Nothing. Nothing. Order has been restored in the universe. You saved the day. I'm a loser. Lynette:Aw, come on, Tom. Tom:I tried for two months to get that waiver signed. You did it in a day. Like I said (He makes the letter L with his hand and places it against his forehead.) Lynette:You can't drown in self-pity just because I helped you with one tiny little thing. Tom:Okay, but if I tell you that the plumbing's not up to code, that we have termites and that the chairs won't be there until after we open, can I drown in self-pity then? Lynette:Why haven't you told me about all of this? Tom:Because I wanted to accomplish something on my own. I'm the man. I shouldn't have to run to my wife to bail me out. (She hits him across the head.) Tom:Ow! Lynette:Gambling with our life savings and not asking for help doesn't make you a man.It makes you an idiot. Come on,Tom,for god sakes, we are a team, and that restaurant is a huge undertaking. No one could do it alone. Tom:You don't ask me for help with your ad campaigns. (She hits him again.) Tom:Ow! Lynette:I don't have to. You're always giving it to me, inspiring me. Remember the mouthwash jingle? You came up with the hook. And--And what about the Bartlett campaign? Would I have ever come up with tango-dancing fleas? All you. There's nothing that I have accomplished that I could have done without your help. Tom:Okay, fine. I help. We're a team. Just don't hit me again. Lynette:So tomorrow, first thing, we'll fix the plumbing, we'll call an exterminator, we'll rent some chairs and we will open on time, and it'll be a glorious success that you will have achieved with my help, okay? Tom:Okay.
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Lynette:And tonight Im gonna slap on some sex perfume and you're gonna get naked, and then we're gonna see who the man is. Tom:God, I hope it's me. Lynette:Oh, Im sure it will be. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Julie walks up the sidewalk to the house. Susan is sitting on the front porch steps.) Julie:Hey, mom. What are you doing out here? (Susan holds up the birth control pills.) Julie:Oh. Okay, here's the thing Susan:Don't worry, Im not gonna get mad. Just sit down. You know what upset me the most? That you didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. Julie:I tried to. You freaked out. Susan:Well, of course I freaked out. I'm a parent. You know, we hope that our children will wait to have sex till after we're dead. Julie:And you wonder why I went to Edie. Susan:Okay, that's the other thing. That cannot happen anymore. You and I have always had an amazing relationship. Let's not mess it up now. Julie:Okay. I'm sorry. Look, I know you think Im too young, but...Austin and I are in love. Susan:Yeah, um...about that...God, I wish there was a pill you could take to protect your heart. Julie:What do you mean? Susan:Honey, I was over at Edies today and I walked in the door and ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree is on the phone.) Bree:Uh, yes, I need to speak to my husband. Yes, there is. Could you please ask him to come home as early as possible tonight? Thank you. (She puts down the phone and looks at her hand, where shes holding the bloody teeth.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Its a dangerous world. So we all look for protection. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Julie sobs in Susans arms.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And whether we find it in the arms of our mother ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (Mike likes in his bed, holding the sharpened toothbrush.) Mary Alice Voiceover:or at the end of a jagged blade ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[ Lynette's house] (Lynette leans over Tom, whos lying on the couch, to kiss the top of his head.) Mary Alice Voiceover:or in the kiss of our sweetheart ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree reaches into a drawer and removes a gun.) Mary Alice Voiceover:or at the end of a barrel. We do what we have to to feel safe. (Bree looks out her window and sees Alma putting boxes by the curb.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:Because we know somewhere in the world there are those who would do us harm. (Alma sees Bree watching her and waves to her.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X13: Come Play Wiz Me -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:While Ian's wife Jane was in a coma... Ian:Do we have a deal? Mary Alice Voiceover:...Susan got an ultimatum. Susan:He's not crazy about me spending time with my ex. Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike's new hero... Mike:I owe you one. Guard:After those mutts knocked you around the other day,your boy paid 'em off. Mary Alice Voiceover:...had a secret agenda. Zach:Gabrielle. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gabrielle learned the identity... Zach:I'm rich now.I can give you anything you want. Mary Alice Voiceover:...of her secret admirer. Alma:Tell me everything. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Orson's mother shared some family secrets...that Bree...would later discover. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Orson Hodge stands in front of his mirror, looking at his teeth.) Mary Alice Voiceover:If there was one thing Orson Hodge understood, it was teeth. That's why people stopped him at barbecues...during cocktail parties...and in the occasional men's room. Yes, when it came to teeth, people expected Dr. Hodge to have all the answers. Sadly for Orson, this was not always the case. (Bree comes into the bathroom and shows Orson the bloody teeth that she had found in Alma's house.) Orson:Well, it does look a little fishy. Bree:Fishy? It couldn't be more obvious. Alma killed Monique. That's why she disappeared. And I bet she pulled the teeth so people would suspect her dentist husband. Orson:Why would she keep them? Bree:Who knows? She's probably gonna sneak in and plant them in our house. Orson:Well, we've saved for the trouble, haven't we? Is it a full set? (He takes the velvet bag.The teeth were in and pours it out onto the bed.) Bree:Orson! Not on the duvet! Orson:Oh, it's okay. They won't stain. Bree:I don't care!I am not sleeping in a bed that had your dead mistress' teeth in it!Let's just take them to the police. Orson:And say what? We can't prove these came from Alma's. She'll deny ever having seen them. And don't forget, I'm the one they suspect. Bree:Well, we have to do something.
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Orson:I agree, but not until we put them back in her house. And then we'll call the police. Trust me, she'll never get away with it. (Bree leaves the room and Orson picks up the phone and dials a number. On the other end, Gloria,his mother, picks up.) Gloria:Hello. Orson:You've been very naughty, haven't you? Gloria:Orson? Is that you? Orson:I know what you and Alma are up to, and it's gonna stop. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Orson was an expert on teeth. Gloria:I have no idea what you're talking about. Orson:Oh, I think you do. Mary Alice Voiceover:That's how he could tell when people were lying through them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (A bleeding man is being wheeled quickly through the hospital.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It can happen so quickly. In the moment it takes a gunman's bullet to enter his victim's leg...in the time it takes to tell a wife her husband won't be home for dinner...in the instant it takes a father to meet his son for the very first time...yes, life as we know it can change...in a heartbeat. [Jane's hospital room] (As Jane, Ian's wife, lies in her coma, her heart rate monitor speeds up and a doctor and nurse come over to look down at her.) Doctor:Jane's still running a fever. Nurse:Yes,and she hasn't responded to any of the meds that we've tried.Do you think we should call her husband? Doctor:Uh, not just yet. Let's try vancomycin. It worked for her before. I don't want Ian to worry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (Ian and Susan introduce Mike to his new lawyer.) Susan:This is your new lawyer, Alan Marcus. Alan, this is Mike Delfino. Alan:Hey, Mike. Sorry I couldn't start on your case sooner. I was wrapping up an armed robbery trial. Mike:It's nice to finally meet you. And you must be Ian. I can't thank you enough for helping me out here. (Ian puts his arm around Susan.) Ian:Susan and I are happy to be of assistance. Alan:So, should we get started? Mike:Sure. Alan:So, Mike, I've had a chance to review all the evidence against you, and I've got a strategy to ensure your case never goes to trial. Susan:Don't you love this guy? What's the strategy? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan and Ian are in the kitchen.) Susan:Pleading guilty? What kind of a strategy is that? Ian:He'd only be pleading to manslaughter. Susan:That's still ten years in prison.
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Ian:Well, which is better than life. And that's what Mike's risking if he goes to trial. With good behavior, he could be out in five. Susan:With a better lawyer,he could be out in zero.We need to find a lawyer who believes that he's innocent. Ian:Well,the evidence against him is very compelling.You're letting your feelings for him cloud your judgment. Susan:My feelings for him? Are we gonna do this again? Ian:Do you realize that every conversation we have winds up being about Mike? Who's the best lawyer for Mike? How can we get Mike acquitted? Susan:I have told you I love you a thousand times. Where is all this jealousy coming from? Ian:Do you know what? I have to catch that plane to Montreal. Susan:What? No, Ian, we have to talk about this. Ian:I can't be late. It's business. Look, I have provided Mike with the best lawyer I know. If you want to get someone else, then you're on your own. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is tucking in her shirt when Parker walks in.) Parker:Whatcha doing? Lynette:Oh, deciding what to wear on my first day back to work. Do I look fat in this? Parker:I think you look good in everything. Lynette:Wow. Your father has taught you well. Parker:What about the street fair? If you're going back to work, who's gonna take me? Lynette:Mrs. McCluskey. Won't that be fun? Parker:No. Do you have to go back to work? Lynette:Come on. You and your brothers will be thrilled. Don't you get tired of me yelling at you to clean up your room and finish your homework? Parker:Yeah, but you've been a lot nicer since you got shot. Lynette:Oh. Well, that's good to know. When you think about it, me going back to work is not that big a deal. We're only losing a little time together in the afternoon. Parker:But every hour counts. I miss you all day long. Lynette:Oh,honey...jeez.Do you really mean that,or are you manipulating Mommy into feeling incredibly guilty? Parker:A little bit of both. Lynette:Yep. Your father's taught you well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Beauty Pageant] (Gabrielle and Vern are sitting in the audience of the Little Miss Snowflake Pageant, waiting for the winners to be announced.) Vern:The suspense is killing me. Gabrielle:Shh! Here it comes. Announcer:And now the moment we've all been waiting for...the winner of this year's Little Miss Snowflake pageant is...Sherri Maltby! (Gabrielle and Vern jump to their feet, applauding.) Vern:I'm in shock. Gabrielle:I mean, I knew she had a shot at the top five, but to actually win? Vern:I was sure she'd lose to that little blonde bi*ch who sang that patriotic medley. Gabrielle:I know. She practically had sparklers coming out of her ass.
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Vern:Totally shameless. (He walks over to Sherri and helps her off the stage.) Vern:Okay, hon, let's go meet those reporters. What are you gonna tell 'em? Sherri:I owe it all to Beauty by Vern. Vern:Atta, girl. (Gabrielle starts to follow them, but she's tapped on the shoulder. When she turns around, Zach Young is there.) Gabrielle:Oh, Zach. What are you doing here? Zach:I came to support you. Gabrielle:Oh. Okay, why don't you support me from the lobby? I have some networking to do. My girl just won the pageant. Zach:Oh, yeah, I know, and you're welcome. Gabrielle:What did you do? Zach:Don't worry. I paid the judges in cash. There's no paper trail. Gabrielle:You bribed the judges? Zach:Gabrielle, why are we fighting? We should be celebrating. I got a limo outside, a bottle of Chilled Cristal. Come on. Let's go. Let's party. Gabrielle:Listen to me, you pimply psychopath. You and I are never going to party. In fact, the only reason we're ever gonna be in the same room again is if you strangle a cheerleader and I wind up on the jury! Zach:God, I love it when we banter. (Gabrielle leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alma's house - nighttime] (Alma steps onto her porch from the sidewalk and sees that her front door is cracked open. She goes inside and finds Orson sitting on a chair in her living room.) Orson:Hello, Alma. Alma:Orson. Orson:Uh, I let myself in. I hope you don't mind. Alma:Not at all. You seem very cheerful. Orson:Oh, I am, 'cause the game's over, and you lost. Alma:I told you what I'd do if you pushed me away. Orson:Well, I'm afraid that threat no longer has any teeth in it. Alma:Yes, your mother told me about Bree's little discovery. What'd you do with Monique's teeth? Orson:Well,maybe I threw them away.Maybe I hid them here.You might find them,if the police don't find them first. Alma:I don't think you'll bring the police into this. Orson:Well, neither will you now. We're done. Why don't you do us all a favor and go away? Alma:You shouldn't treat me this way. Orson:Don't bother crying.Tears might've worked when we were married,after you lost the baby.They won't work now. Alma:We should have kept trying. If we'd had a child, we'd still be together. Orson:I know. That's why I stopped trying. Good-bye, Alma. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is dressed for work and in the kitchen when Tom comes downstairs.) Tom:Well, here's some sucky news...Ken just quit.
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Lynette:Your new manager? No. Tom:Yeah, so I'm screwed. I'm gonna have to drop out of the street fair. Lynette:Tom, no. You can't. You can't. The pizzeria opens in a week, and that street fair is the best advertising we're gonna get. Tom:I know, but I can't work it alone. Lynette:Well, you know, hire someone else. Tom:Well, there's no time for that. Lynette:The future of the restaurant is at stake. It is time to get creative. Tom:Well, I do have one option, but it would require some sacrifice. Lynette:Well, whatever it is gonna take. Tom:You could help me. Lynette:What?! No.Uh-Uh.Look,I'm wearing makeup.I am holding a briefcase.What does this suggest to you? Tom:You could call in sick. Lynette:I can't call in sick after eight weeks of sick leave, especially when I've been fine for three of them. (Outside, a car horn honks.) Lynette:Crap, that's Ed. Tom:Lynette? Lynette, please? You're the one who said that we need the street fair. Lynette:My boss is waiting for me outside in his car. What am I supposed to do? Tom:It's time to get creative. (Outside, Ed and another employee lean against their car. Lynette comes outside, wearing the arm sling and looking exhausted.) Ed:There she is. Lynette:Hey, guys. Ed:Boy, didn't expect you to still be wearing a sling. Lynette:Yeah...it heals a little slower when the bullet's still in there. Ed:They couldn't get it out? Lynette:No, it's too close. Employee:To what? Lynette:Everything. Ed:God, I'm so sorry. Hey, you got a little cereal right... (Ed leans over and points to the little bit of cereal by Lynette's mouth.) Lynette:Cereal? I didn't have any...oh, I know what that is. I get nauseous from the pain, So that's just a little residual vomit. Ed:Lynette, you sure you're ready to come back to work? Lynette:Yeah! Don't be silly. I'm fine. Come on. Let's go sell some toothpaste. Ed:All righty! Employee:Let's go. (Ed takes her arm to help her into the car and Lynette shrieks.) Lynette:Oh, son of a bi*ch! Ed:I'm sorry! Lynette:Don't touch me, okay? Ed:Anything we can do? Lynette:My pills! My pain pills are in my bag. (He gets out the pills.) Lynette:Thanks. (She drops the pills onto the ground after he shakes some into her hand.)
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Lynette:Oh, my pills! I need my pills, and now they're all dirty! (Later, Lynette is standing on the sidewalk as Ed and the other employee drives away.) Lynette:See ya next week! Thanks for understanding! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (Paul is reading a book at a table. Mike comes over and sits down next to him.) Mike:Hey. Looks like an interesting book. What's it about? (He knocks the book to the floor.) Mike:Nevermind. I'll wait for the movie. Paul:What's eating you? Mike:Those two guys you saved me from? I know you paid 'em to attack me. Paul:That's a lie. (Mike slams Paul up against the wall.) Mike:You wanna take a minute to reconsider that? Paul:Okay. Okay. I needed a favor, and I wanted you to owe me. Mike:What favor? Paul:You sure you want to get into this now? Mike:Yeah. Paul:Okay. You remember my son Zach? Mike:Vaguely. Why? Paul:Turns out you and I share more than a cellblock. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's house] (Bree is watering her garden when Gloria comes over.) Gloria:Hello, Bree. May I come in? Bree:What's a garden without a snake? Gloria:I realize I'm not your favorite person, but I thought you should know why Alma's moved here. She wants Orson back. Bree:Thanks for the heads-up. Now off you go. Gloria:Orson and I may have our spats,but I'm still deeply concerned about the state of his soul.Adultery is a sin. Bree:I wouldn't worry about Orson's soul. He won't be sleeping with Alma. Gloria:When I said adultery, I wasn't referring to Orson and Alma. I meant Orson and you. Bree:Excuse me? Gloria:Our church doesn't accept divorce. In the eyes of God, you're the other woman. I'm sure you don't see it that way, but Alma and I do. And Orson's beginning to. Bree:Are those shoes suede? Gloria:Yes. Why? (Bree turns the hose onto Gloria's shoes.) Bree:No reason. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] Mike:Why the hell didn't anybody tell me I had a son. Paul:You'd just come out of a coma. They probably figured you had enough on your plate. Mike:Well, why are you telling me now? Paul:Zach and I haven't spoken in months. Every time I've tried to contact him, he won't return the calls.
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Mike:I don't know what you expect me to do. I barely remember the kid. Paul:Yes, but he remembers you, and I think if you reach out to him, he'll talk to you. Zach is all I have left in the world. Through everything that's happened, I've never stopped loving him. Can you please get him to come down here and see me? Mike:That's one hell of a favor. Man, you got some nerve. Paul:I know. It's kind of what got me in here. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house] (A floral delivery truck is parked outside of Gabrielle's house and a delivery man carries flowers up to Gabrielle's door. Lynette and Susan watch from across the street.) Susan:Is it Gaby's birthday? Lynette:No, they're probably from Zach Young. Susan:What? Lynette:You haven't heard? He has been begging Gaby to go on a date with him. He's been sending her all sorts of stuff to bribe her, even a diamond bracelet. Susan:Zach Young? Our Zach Young? How does he afford diamonds? Lynette:His grandfather left him all that money. Susan:Yeah, I thought it was in a trust, and he couldn't touch it. Lynette:Until he turned eighteen, which was a month ago. Susan:Wow. So Zach Young is loaded, huh? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Susan is talking with Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:No. Absolutely not. Susan:Oh, come on. Mike needs a great lawyer. Zach can afford a great lawyer. Gabrielle:I don't care. I'm not going out with Zach Young! Susan:It's one little date. Gabrielle:You wouldn't even let your own daughter go out with him. You said he was a psycho. Susan:He's matured... to the tune of a billion dollars. Please do this...for Mike. Gabrielle:Susan, do you know what your obsession with Mike has cost you? First you piss off Bree and then Ian, and now you're pimping me out to a teenager! Susan:Okay, I deserve the pimping remark, but let's not pretend that, you know, we're above teenagers. Gaby, you're all I've got. Gabrielle:Oh, fine, I'll do it. Susan:Thank you! This is a noble thing you're doing. Gabrielle:How can you be so sure Zach's gonna go along with this? Susan:Oh, 'cause he's a great kid, and he's gonna want to help Mike...and you're not gonna be wearing a bra when you ask him out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Zach's house] (Zach is in a recording studio in his house, performing with his band when Gabrielle walks in.) Zach:Can you guys just take five, please? Gabrielle, what are you doing here? Gabrielle:Wow, you have your own recording studio in your house? Zach:Yeah, I needed a place to lay some tracks with my band. You, um, you see that guy? He used to tour with the Doobie Brothers. How wild is that? Gabrielle:Gee, well...not as wild as what I'm about to say. You can take me to dinner.
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Zach:Seriously? Awesome! Gabrielle:Yeah, here's how it's gonna work. We drive to the restaurant separately, we will not have dessert, and under no circumstances will you touch me. Capisce? Zach:Okay. Gabrielle:Great. In order for this magical night to occur, you're gonna need to help Mike Delfino. Zach:Mike? What happened? Gabrielle:He's in jail...for murder. But Susan swears he's innocent, and she wants you to get him a good lawyer. All right, we have a deal? Zach:No. Gabrielle:No? Zach:Oh, I would love to help Mike. It's just that, if I'm paying for a lawyer, you know, I would like to have more than just one meal with you. I'd like to have a whole day. Gabrielle:A whole day? Zach:Yeah. Here's how it's gonna work. It's gonna be three meals with dessert, Activities of my choosing and, uh...a good night kiss. Now do we...do we have a deal? Gabrielle:Not quite. The day starts with lunch, and that kiss, off the table. Zach:Did they set bail for Mike? You know, 'cause I could throw that in, too. Gabrielle:One million dollars. Zach:It's no biggie. One call to my accountant, and Mike's a free man. Or do you want to tell Susan that Mike's gonna stay in jail because you wouldn't kiss me? Gabrielle:Okay, deal, you little skunk. (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Street Fair] (Lynette and Tom are serving pizza to people at their booth.) Lynette:Here you go. You can come back for seconds. Our famous pepperoni pizza. Tom:Here's another canadian bacon. Lynette:There you go. Great. Guess what? Our line is the biggest one at the fair. I counted. You know what I'm starting to think? Tom:What? Lynette:This restaurant is gonna be a big, fat hit. (She gives out more pizza to a customer.) Lynette:Here you go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Mrs. McCluskey is sitting on the couch next to Kayla, who's drawing on a teddy bear.) Ms. McCluskey:Can I talk to you about something? I think you hurt Lynette's feelings when you refused to go to the street fair with her. She's gonna start to think you don't like her. You don't want that, do you? (The doorbell rings.) Kayla:Doorbell. (Mrs. McCluskey goes to the door, muttering under her breath.) Ms. McCluskey:Some of 'em should be left on a hillside to rot. (She opens the door and Ed is there.) Ed:Hi. Ms. McCluskey:Hi. Ed:I'm Ed Ferrara, Lynette's boss. Is she around?
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Ms. McCluskey:Uh, well, actually, she's at the, uh, the, uh, doctor's. Ed:Oh. Yeah. Well, could you give her this? Ms. McCluskey:Sure. Ed:And tell her to get well. And she doesn't need to come back to work till she's good and ready. Ms. McCluskey:I will make sure she gets this. Ed:Okay. (She closes the door. Kayla sneaks out the back door and runs over to Ed, who's returning to his car.) Kayla:Excuse me. Mister? I just wanted to tell you our babysitter gets mixed up sometimes. Lynette's not at the doctor's. Ed:She's not? Kayla:Nope. Ed:Well, where is she? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Street Fair] (Lynette shows up at the booth with an empty tray.) Lynette:Load me up again, would ya? Tom:Yeah? Lynette:I'm gonna go poach some customers from that sausage-on-a-stick guy. Oh, I love it. Scavo's Pizzeria! Try the smoked chicken and sundried tomato. Customer:Mmm! This crust is fantastic! Lynette:It's cornmeal.That's the secret. (She bumps into Ed.) Ed:It's not your only secret, is it, Lynette? Lynette:Hi...Ed. Ed:How's the arm? Lynette:Uh, on the mend, but I'm gonna be there bright and early Monday morning. Ed: Don't bother. You're fired. Lynette:Wait, Ed! Ed, please don't go. Yes, I lied, and that was wrong, but my husband needed my help. Ed:I need your help. You've been gone eight weeks, with pay, while the company's been falling apart. And now you pull this on me? Lynette:Like I said, really, really wrong, but if you take me back, I swear I will give you one hundred percent. Ed:So...if we have to work late, you're gonna do it. If I ask you to miss your kid's baseball game, you're gonna say, "No problem, Ed"? Lynette:You got it, Ed. Ed:Good. I'll see you Monday. (He disappears in the crowd. Lynette turns around and sees Parker standing there. He turns away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan is on the phone.) Ian:Hi. It's me. Um, listen, we have to talk. Susan:Ian, I'm sorry, too. We've got to stop fighting like this. Ian:Susan, um, Jane's doctor called me. She's taken a bad turn. Susan:Oh. Ian... Ian:I'm, uh, I'm on the next flight out, but it's not for a few hours, and Jane's parents are in Rome. Would, uh, would you go to the hospital for me? Susan:The hospital?
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Ian:Well, I know it's a lot to ask, but if something should happen, I...well, I don't want her to be alone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house - nighttime] (Gabrielle and Zach step out of a limo and head slowly towards her front porch.) Gabrielle:Oh, I'm stuffed. I can't believe you talked me into that crme brle. Zach:Oh, don't feel guilty. I'm sure we burned it off on the dance floor. Gabrielle:I know! You're such a good dancer! Where'd you learn how to salsa? Zach:I've been taking lessons 'cause I knew it was your favorite. Gabrielle:When did I say that? Zach:Cosmo, ninety-eight. And I knew you liked that Merlot from your Vogue interview. Gabrielle:You researched me? That's sweet! In a, uh, stalkery kind of way. Thanks again for a surprisingly enjoyable night. See you around. (She turns to unlock her front door.) Zach:Uh... Gaby? Gabrielle:Right, the kiss. Sorry. I didn't mean to welsh on ya. All right. Pucker up. (She closes her eyes and puckers her lips. Zach opens his mouth wide and covers her mouth with his.) (For several seconds, he hangs on while she tries to push him away.) Gabrielle:What the hell are you doing?! Zach:But you said I could kiss you. Gabrielle:Yes, my lips, not my esophagus! Zach:For your information, I have been told that I'm a very good kisser, all right? Gabrielle:By who? The same girl that taught you to use your tongue like a windshield wiper? Zach:No, by women,women with lots of experience,and every single one of them said that I was a great kisser. Gabrielle:How much did you pay them to say that? (Zach doesn't say anything.) Gabrielle:No! You've paid women for... Zach:It's none of your business, all right? It's none of your business. Gabrielle:Uh, yes, it is. You just vacuumed my tonsils. I deserve to know where that mouth has been. Zach:You know what? I'm sorry. I gotta go. Gabrielle:Wait, Zach. Zach, I'm not mad! (He gets into the limo and it drives off.) Gabrielle:Okay, I'm just a little...grossed out, that's all! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Susan walks towards Jane's hospital room. A woman, Erika, is in there yelling at a man who's leaving.) Erika:No, you heard me.You heard me,all right?Read my lips.Just go,all right?Go!You've got no right to be here! Man:All right! (Susan reaches the room.) Erika:What, another one? You organ donor people are vultures. Susan:Um, no, actually, I'm a friend of Ian's. He asked me to come...for Jane. Erika:Oh, you...you're the girlfriend. All right, that's okay then. Come on in. (Later, the two of them are sitting in Jane's room, watching her.) Susan:So, Erika, you were fighting with that guy when I came in. Have you had a lot of those organ donor people around today?
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Erika:Oh, that wasn't about that. No, that was Ted. What, Ian never told you about Jane and Ted? Susan:No. What about them? Erika:Nothing. Forget I mentioned it. It is not my place. Susan:What? Erika:They had an affair. Susan:Jane cheated on Ian? When was this? Erika:I hate to dish my best friend on her death bed...but gossip was the foundation of our relationship, so...it was five years ago. Ian was traveling a lot on business, Jane was lonely, and along came Ted. Susan:I'm just stunned. So I guess they worked it out, right? Erika:Well, Ian took her back. But if you're asking, did he ever really trust her again? I don't think so. Susan:Poor Ian. Erika:You don't know the half of it. I mean, to be betrayed by somebody you loved that much...you're just never the same. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Pizzaria] (Lynette walks into the pizzaria.) Tom:Hey. What are you doing here? Lynette:Um, word on the street is you're looking for a manager. Tom:Yeah. Lynette:Here's my application. Tom:I thought Ed took you back. Lynette:He did. I told him I wasn't interested. Tom:What? You're quitting? Lynette:I had so much fun at the fair today, working with you on something that was all ours. I want every day to be like that. Tom:Honey, so do I. Are you sure? I mean, your career's always meant so much to you. Lynette:When I got shot and I was lying there bleeding, I wasn't thinking "God, I'm really gonna miss advertising." I think this could be the best thing that's ever happened to our family. We can make our own hours, we'll be together more, and, yes, the money is gonna be a little tight, but I think this place could be a gold mine. Tom:In that case, you're hired. You do, of course, realize you have to sleep with the boss. Lynette:I can do that. Tom:Good. (They kiss. Lynette's hands travel down to Tom's butt.) Tom:Wow. It's a little soon to be gunning for a promotion. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Orson walks into the kitchen where Andrew is sitting at the computer.) Orson:Your mother not home yet? Andrew:Uh, I haven't seen her. (The phone rings and Orson picks it up.) Orson:Hello? What is it now? Alma did what?! No, no. I'll be right over. (He leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alma's house] (Alma is lying on the bed, sleeping, her wrists bandaged as blood seeps through. Orson and Gloria stand by
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the bed.) Orson:Wait, wait, what...what did Alma do? Gloria:I just thank the Lord I got here when I did. Orson:But why didn't you call an ambulance? Gloria:I thought it best for all concerned to keep this quiet. By the way, she left a note. (Later, Orson reads the note while sitting in a chair by the bed.) Orson:She only did this to upset me. She knows my history. She knows exactly what buttons to push. Gloria:Orson, calm down. Here. (She hands him a drink.) Orson:Our marriage is over. I will not submit to emotional blackmail. (He gets up from his chair and stumbles, sinking back down.) Gloria:Are you all right? Orson:I feel dizzy. (He tries getting up again.) Gloria:Then perhaps you should just...sit. (He sits down.) Orson:My God. Did you poison me? Gloria:And kill my only child? You see how he talks to me? (Alma sits up in bed.) Alma:It's my fault. I upset him. Sorry about all this. I just needed to get your attention. Orson:Why? What do you want? Gloria:What every mother wants, dear...a grandchild. (Alma gets out of bed and removes her robe to reveal the lacy red lingerie she's wearing.) (Later, she and Gloria have transferred Orson to the bed, where he lies, drugged.) Gloria:Well, well, why don't I give you two some privacy? Alma:Thank you, mother Hodge. (Gloria leaves and Alma pushes Orson back as he struggles to sit up.) Alma:You mustn't struggle. I want this baby to be born of love. I've been injecting myself with hormones to improve our chances. You wait and see. This is gonna fix everything. Orson:You're crazy. Alma:Crazy for you, mister! Orson:I won't. You can't make me. Alma:Yes, I can. That drink had two kinds of pills in it. One to put you to sleep, and one to keep the part of you I need nice and perky. Now...how about a little music? (She takes a remote by the bed and pushes a button and music fills the room. Alma sings along.) Alma:We're all alone, no chaperone can get our number...the world's in slumber, let's misbehave... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jane's hospital room] (Susan comes into the room with two cups of coffee. Erika pushes past her to leave.) Erika:The doctor was just here. He said her blood pressure's dropping. She could go anytime. I gotta go call her parents. (Susan's cell phone rings. She picks it up.) Susan:Hi. Ian:It's me. We just took off. I'll be there in about six hours. Susan:Uh, sweetie...I don't think she's gonna make it that long. Ian:Don't tell me that.
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Susan:You've done everything you could. She knows that you love her. Ian:Well, it's just there's...there's things I've got to say to her. I've carried around so much anger about something that doesn't mean anything now, And I... I need her to know that. Susan:I'm gonna put the phone up to Jane's ear, and you can tell her whatever you need to, okay? Ian:Okay. (She puts the phone by Jane's ear. Ian begins to talk.) Ian:Hello, Jane, darling. It's Ian. I never imagined I'd have to say goodbye to you like this. There's so much I want to say... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Zach's house] (Zach is sitting alone in his recording studio, playing his guitar. Gabrielle walks in.) Gabrielle:You play that pretty well. Zach:What are you doing here? Gabrielle:I had a good time tonight, but I hated the way it ended. Zach:Yeah, me, too. Gaby...about those women... Gabrielle:Forget about it.Give a horny kid a couple million bucks and the yellow pages,and stuff is gonna happen. Zach:It's not just them. I...I'm paying everyone that I know. Those guys in my band, they're not my friends. I'm hiring them to hang out with me. Gabrielle:So stop doing it. Stop buying people. Zach:Yeah, right, and then I'd have no one at all. Gabrielle:That's not true.You'd have me.As a friend.A friend friend.Not a girlfriend. really cannot overstress that. Zach:Come on. Why do you wanna be my friend? We have zero in common. Gabrielle:I don't know. Maybe it's because I think we're both... adrift. It'd just be nice to have a pal who gets what I'm going through. Why don't you play me something you wrote? Zach:Yeah? Okay. Can I sing, too? Gabrielle:Sure. Why not? Zach:All right. (He starts to play his guitar and sing.) Zach:Gaby, sweet Gaby... (Gabrielle stops him.) Gabrielle:Wow. Why don't you just hum it, okay? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree walks in the house to find Andrew watching TV while eating from a bag of potato chips.) Bree:Hi. Sorry. My book club ran late. Didn't Orson make you dinner? Andrew:Oh, no. He's been over at Alma's. He's been there for a few hours now. (Bree goes over the window and looks across the street. Alma's house is dark except for the upstairs bedroom which has a light on.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alma's house] (Bree storms into Alma's bedroom where Alma is lying cuddled up against Orson's unconscious body. Alma jumps up and grabs a robe to cover herself.) Bree:What the hell is this?! Alma:Oh, Bree. I'm so so sorry you had to find out this way.
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Bree:Not as sorry as you are gonna be! Orson, get up! Alma:Leave him alone. He wants to be with me now. Bree:Orson, I have caught you cheating. At least have the courtesy to wake up! Oh, for God sakes. Orson! Orson? What have you done to him?! Alma:Nothing. You know men. The minute it's over...wham, off to dreamland. Bree:He's not sleeping. He's out cold. (She opens the nightstand drawer and pulls out two bottles of pills.) Bree:Oh, I knew it. These are sleeping pills, and these are...oh, my God. You raped my husband! Alma:We made love, and when our baby's born, he's gonna come back to me. Bree:Baby?! Alma:It's true. I could be expecting right now. Bree:Were you expecting this? (She punches Alma, then goes over the bedside phone and dials a number.) Bree:Andrew, I need you to come over here right away...and, um...bring the wheelbarrow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's house] (Zach is wearing a suit and standing on Mike's front porch when Mike drives up in his truck. Mike gets out of the truck and walks up to Zach.) Zach:Hi. Do...do you remember me? Mike:No. No, not really. But I know who you are. Zach:Okay. Good. Mike:What you did, I'm, um...really grateful. Zach:It's cool. So if you need anything else, I guess...just let me know. Mike:Well, I do need something. But it's not for me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Prison] (Zach, still in his suit, is visiting Paul in prison.) Paul:So how you doing? You look terrific, really mature. Your mother would be proud. Zach:Thanks. Paul:I've, uh, really missed you a lot, and I'm sorry for, uh...for everything. I hope you can forgive me. I want us to be friends. Zach:And that's the only reason you wanted to see me, right? So we could be friends? Paul:Yes. Zach:Okay. That's great. That's fine. Paul:Well, there is one other thing. Zach:Oh. Paul:Yeah. It's just...Felicia Tillman faked her death. She's still out there. You and I, we both know that. If you gave, or lent me some money, I could hire someone to track her down, and then I could get out of here, and you and I could pick up where we left off. Zach:Okay...you asked me how I was doing. I'm actually doing great. I've got the hottest, most amazing girlfriend in the entire world, and I am gonna marry that woman. I'm gonna buy her everything she wants. So...I have got to learn to say no when people ask me for money, Because I got a future wife to think about. She's got really expensive taste. I mean, I do forgive you, though...Paul. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Susan is standing on the sidewalk, looking down the street when Mike walks over to her.)
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Mike:Hey, Susan. Susan:Hey. You're back. Mike:Yeah, Zach Young posted my bail, but I'm guessing you had something to do with it. Susan:Maybe a little. Mike:Is there any way that I can thank you, you know, for everything you've done? Susan:Actually, yeah, there is. Mike:Good. Good. Just tell me. Susan:I can't see you anymore. I want you to understand it doesn't have anything to do with you. It's just... Mike:That's okay. Susan:It's not... Mike:I think I get it. (Down the street, a limo turns the corner and heads towards where Susan is.) Mike:Well, I, uh, I should probably go. Bye. Susan:Good luck with everything. Mike:Good luck to you and Ian. (The limo pulls up and Ian gets out. He stares at Susan for a few seconds, then kisses her passionately. She kisses him back, then hugs him. From across the street, Mike watches them.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, it can happen so quickly. Life as we know it can change in the blink of an eye. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Zach's house] Mary Alice Voiceover:Unlikely friendships can blossom... (Zach receives flowers from Gabrielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Mary Alice Voiceover:Important careers can be tossed aside... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's house] (On the porch, Mike opens up a bottle of beer and clinks his bottle against Carlos', who is sitting next to him, also drinking beer.) Mary Alice Voiceover:A long-lost hope can be rekindled. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (A covered body is wheeled into an elevator. On the foot is a tag that reads "Jane Hainsworth".) Mary Alice Voiceover:Still, we should be grateful for whatever changes life throws at us, because all too soon the day will come when there are no changes left. (The elevator door closes.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X14: I Remember That -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Ian's wife Jane passed away.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:Gaby made a new friend. Gabrielle:A "friend" friend,not a girlfriend. Mary Alice Voiceover:The finger of guilt... Pathologist:I think it's a phone number. Mary Alice Voiceover: ...pointed toward Mike... Mike:They tested my wrench and found traces of this Monique's blood. Mary Alice Voiceover:But he still couldn't remember. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree found a bag of evidence. Bree:We have to do something. Orson:Not until we put these back in her house. Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson had a night... Orson:What do you want? Gloria:A grandchild. Mary Alice Voiceover:...that he'd soon rather forget. Bree:You raped my husband. Alma:I could be expecting right now. Ohh! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:It had been two months since Mike Delfino had awakened from his coma, and the memories he had lost were finally starting to return. He could now recall the first time he saw Wisteria Lane...and the first time he met his new neighbors... and the first time he heard Susan Mayer laugh. But the memory he most wanted to reclaim still eluded him. That's why he had gone to see a hypnotherapist, so that he could finally remember everything. (Mike is lying on a couch in a hypnotherapist's office. His eyes are closed.) [Flashback - Monique's house] (Monique opens the door to her house, wearing lingerie underneath an untied robe. Mike is standing on her porch, holding his plumber's tools.) Monique:I thought you'd never get here. Mike:I'm sorry. The traffic was terrible. (Monique lets him in, then notices that her robe is open. She closes it.) Monique:Sorry about that. I called my landlord when the pipe started leaking, and he recommended you. I was so flustered, I couldn't find a piece of paper. I wrote your number on my hand. After you finish the sink, maybe you could help me wash it off. Mike:Look..I'm flattered, but I'm seeing somebody. Monique:Me, too. But he's married, and I'm drunk. (Later, Mike finishes looking at the sink.) Mike:Well, your S-trap is cracked. I don't have one with me. I'll have to go to a hardware store. Monique:Now? It's late. Mike:Yeah,well,that water's just gonna keep seeping,'cause a lot more damage.I'll,uh,be back in an hour. Monique:I'll be waiting. (Later, Mike returns to Monique's house. The front door is open a little bit. Mike enters.) Mike:Ms. Polier? I've, uh... got that part for the sink. Hello? (He walks into the kitchen and sees two gloved hands start to pull themselves up from the floor from the other side of the counter in the middle of the kitchen.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Present Day - Hypnotherapist's office] (In the hypnotherapist's office, Mike's eyes open.)
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Therapist:What happened, Mike? Mike:I almost had it. I was so close. Therapist:Close to what? Mike:When I went back to Monique's place, somebody else was there. Therapist:Who? Mike:I don't know. I couldn't see it. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, there were still many things Mike Delfino couldn't remember... Therapist:Then why are you smiling? Mary Alice Voiceover:But he'd finally remembered the most important thing of all. Mike:'Cause now I know I didn't kill her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree sits up in bed, watching Orson sleep next to her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It was six o'clock in the morning, and Bree Hodge was faced with a dilemma familiar to countless housewives. Should she wake her husband to discuss recent events that were weighing heavily on her mind? Or should she left him continue to get the rest he needed?Bree made the obvious choice. (She takes a glass of water and tosses the water onto his face. Orson wakes up.) Bree:I'm sorry, but you've been out cold for ten hours, and we need to talk. (Later, Orson is more awake.) Orson:I remember drinking the Scotch and then Alma suddenly sitting up. But after that, nothing. Bree:Oh, dear. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but...after Alma knocked you out, she assaulted you. Orson:Where? Bree:Sexually. She had sex with you. Orson:But that's impossible. Bree:Your drink was laced with pills for...erectile dysfunction. Orson:But I was dead to the world. Bree:No, dear, you were dead to the waist. Orson:I had sex with Alma, and I wasn't even conscious? How reminiscent of our marriage. Bree:Okay, this is no joke. She raped you, and your mother helped. Look, after we get dressed, we're going to the police. Orson:I can't do that. Bree:Orson, I know you're embarrassed, but what they did to you was a crime. Orson:No, I can't go to the police. Not now, not ever. Bree:Orson, your ex-wife is a homicidal rapist, and your mother is straight out of "I, Claudius." Why do you refuse to deal with them? Orson:I think it's time I told you about the night Monique Polier died. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Julie is in Susan's room as Susan tries to pick out clothing.) Susan:What do you think of this one? Julie:Pretty sexy. Is sexy what you're going for at the funeral of your boyfriend's wife? Susan:You're right. I'll keep looking. Julie:Why are you even going? Won't it be weird?
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Susan:No, it'll be fine. Ian wants me there. Julie:Yeah,but it'll be all of Jane's friends and family,and you'll be the other woman who swooped in like some... Susan:Okay, yes, it'll be weird. But it's not about me. This is about Jane and Ian. What if I wore this one? Julie:Then it'll be about Jane, Ian, and your boobs. Susan:I have got to get more depressing clothes. Okay, I just need to keep a low profile through the memorial, 'cause once I get through this, Ian can officially introduce me as his girlfriend, and we'll finally be a normal, non-adulterous couple. What does this one say to you? Julie:Modest, reserved and definitely not dating the dead lady's husband. Susan:Sold. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Department store] (Gabrielle and Zach are wandering around a department store, looking at various items.) Zach:I'm not gonna get you towels for your birthday. Let's go to the jewelry department. Gabrielle:No, Zach, I only accept jewelry from men I plan on sleeping with. Zach:Well, okay, so where does that leave me? Gabrielle:You can buy me that toilet seat cover. Zach:Fine. All right, we're just friends. Can I at least take you out for a birthday dinner? Gabrielle:There will be no celebration. I'm turning thirty-one. I'm a single woman in her thirties. I now have to subscribe to "Cat Fancy." It's the law. Zach:Age is just a number. It doesn't mean anything. Gabrielle:It means something to me.Being alone at this age, it's hard,and it's only gonna get harder.I'm so depressed. Zach:Let me buy you a car. Gabrielle:No, thanks. But I do need a, uh, liquid soap dispenser. Go. (Zach wanders off. Gabrielle is near a display bed, so she lies down on it. A man comes over and begins looking at the bed, but he doesn't notice Gabrielle at first.) Gabrielle:Hello. Man:Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you. I was just trying to see whether or not this was a regular king or a California king. Gabrielle:Well, I think it's a regular. California kings are much longer. Is your...wife particularly tall? Man:Oh, I'm, uh, I'm not married. Gabrielle:Oh. Well, why don't you try it out? Man:That's okay. I can wait till you get off. Gabrielle:Oh, that'll happen a lot faster if you just hop on board. Man:I'm sorry? Gabrielle:It was a...shameless sex joke. I was flirting with you. Man:Oh! Right! Sorry, I can be a little dense. Can we start over? Gabrielle:No. Moment's gone. You killed it. Man:Uh, look, you know, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but maybe we can try this again sometime. Gabrielle:It could happen. (Zach returns.) Zach:Hey, sorry I took so long. Man:Mr. Young? Gabrielle:Oh. You know my friend Zach? Zach:No, I don't think so.
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Luke:I'm Luke...Purdue? I'm on your legal team. I'm taking point on Talverson deal. Zach:Yeah, right. Hey. Luke:Again, it was nice meeting you. (to Zach) Sir. (Luke leaves.) Zach:That was really weird. I don't even know the guy, and he works for me. Gabrielle:Works for me, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Bree and Orson are still in their bedroom.) Orson:Bree... Bree:Please don't touch me.All this time,you've said you wanted the truth.That's before I knew what it was. Orson:You see, that's why I've tried to protect you from this. Bree:Yeah, but you weren't just trying to protect me, were you? Orson:What do you want me to do? Bree:Exonerate Mike. How could you stand by and let an innocent man be dragged off to prison? Orson:You think I haven't felt terrible? Bree:And this, after he'd been in a coma because some lunatic ran him over. Orson:He has had a rough year.I wanna help Mike.How do I do that without implicating myself?I could go to jail. Bree:I don't care if you go to jail. You have done a horrible thing, and you have to make it right. I mean it, Orson. If you don't fix this, I will. Orson:Well, I guess I'm in no position to argue. Bree:No, you're not. (Meanwhile, Andrew had overheard their conversation from the hallway. Orson opens the bedroom door and Andrew rushes to the end of the hall as though he had just been coming around the corner.) Orson:Morning, Andrew. Andrew:Hey, Orson. I was just gonna ask if you guys wanted some coffee. Orson:Yeah. Thanks. I could use some. It's gonna be a long day. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Tom buys one of the twins an ice cream from the ice cream truck. Lynette walks over to them and takes away the ice cream.) Twin:Mom! Lynette:Dinner is in an hour. You know the rules. (to Tom) And so do you. Tom:I know, I know, but he gave me the face. Lynette:You fell for the face. What are you, a rookie? Tom:Okay, you're right. Sorry, buddy. Mom's the boss. (The twin turns to Lynette and makes a sad-looking face.) Lynette:I feel nothing. (Lynette and the twin go inside. Tom starts to follow them, but Edie comes up to him.) Tom:Hi, Edie. Edie:Hey, Tom. How's the restaurant going? You ready for the big opening? Tom:Oh, we're getting there. Let me give you a coupon. Free extra topping on any medium or large. Edie:How nice. But you know what would be even nicer? Hire my nephew to work for you. Tom:You know, the coupon's good all week. Edie:Look, I don't know what lies you've heard about Austin, but you can't be listening to vicious gossip.
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Tom:I heard he got arrested for beating some guy up. Edie:Okay, that one's pretty accurate. Tom:Edie, I'm all staffed up. Edie:Come on! Help me out. Seriously, ever since Julie dumped him, he's been depressed and mopey. He's driving me crazy. Please, any crappy job you got. Tom:Well, I guess I could use an extra guy in back. Have him there tomorrow, eight o'clock in the morning. Edie:Thank you. Thank you so, so much. (She starts to walk away.) Tom:Uh, Edie, you forgot your coupon. Edie:Tom, please. You've checked out my butt enough times to know that I don't eat pizza. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle opens her front door to find Zach standing on the porch. He comes inside. She continues putting on earrings.) Gabrielle:Zach! Zach:I know.You said you wanted to be alone for your birthday,but,uh,that's just dumb,so I'm gonna take you out. Gabrielle:Oh, that's so sweet, but I, uh... Zach:Don't worry. It's just gonna be one friend keeping another friend company. It's not gonna be a date. Gabrielle:Oh, well, um, Luke's gonna be here in twenty minutes, and that kind of will be a date. Zach:Luke? That's, uh...my lawyer guy? Gabrielle:Yeah. That isn't a problem, is it? 'Cause this is what friends do. They talk about each other's dates. Zach:No, I'm cool. Have a great time. Uh, I'm gonna get out of your hair. So you think this guy's really into you? Gabrielle:Well, he seemed to like me in the mattress department, so here's hoping I like him the mattress department. What? Friends say these things. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alma's house] (Orson goes over to Alma's house. Both Alma and Gloria are there.) Alma:Orson. Orson:Oh, well, I'm in luck. The whole coven's here. I just stopped by to say thank you. Alma:Mm...you're welcome. I bought a pregnancy test, but it's too soon to take it. Orson:I wasn't talking about the sex. Though hats off, mother, for colluding in my rape. I think it's great that we can still surprise each other. No, I was talking more about what you did for me and Bree. Alma:What did I do? Orson:Your little stunt made her so angry, she demanded we go the police. She forced my hand, so I told her everything. Gloria:Everything? That is rather unwise. Orson:I faced my worst fear, the moment I felt sure would end my marriage, and guess what? It didn't. Alma:She forgave you? Orson:Not entirely. Not yet. But she'll come around. The good news is, the months of dread, the fear of discovery...that's all over. So thank you...and good-bye. Alma:Wait! I could be carrying your child! Orson:I don't care if you've got the Hodge septuplets in there. I'm sticking with Bree. (He leaves.) Gloria:Why must he make everything so difficult?
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Tom's restaurant] (Andrew finishes mopping the floor as Lynette walks by.) Andrew:Oh, uh, floor's done. Lynette:I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your Mom's.Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you? Andrew:Uh...no. It looks Andrew Van De Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge. Lynette:Okay, just for that, you get to help me take out the trash. I know you think I'm being a hard-ass, But I'm just looking for a basic level of professionalism that... (They go out back and find Austin smoking a joint with another guy. The guy leaves when Lynette and Andrew show up.) Lynette:Austin? What the hell's going on here? Austin:Just, uh, just talking to the delivery guy. Hey, where'd he go? Lynette:Are you high? Austin:Only...totally. Lynette:Austin! Andrew:Dude, not smart. Austin:But I have good reason, and when you hear it, you're not gonna make that face anymore. Julie Mayer dumped me, and I'm very...very upset. Your face is not changing. Lynette:Get your stuff. Get the hell out of my restaurant. You're fired. Go on. Andrew:Floor's looking pretty clean right now, isn't it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alma's house] (Alma and Gloria are talking.) Alma:You said he'd come back to me.You said deep down,he still loves me.Well,you heard him today.He hates me! Gloria:You ravished him against his will. He's bound to be touchy in the short run. I'll handle Orson. You just worry about the baby. Alma:He said he doesn't care. Gloria:He says that now, but he will not abandon his own flesh and blood. Alma:You're his flesh and blood. He put you in a home. Gloria:You know, I usually don't say this to expectant mothers, but for God sake, have a Scotch. Alma:I should just call the police. Gloria:What? Alma:I know what he did. If he's never gonna love me, why should I protect him? I'd rather see him in jail than playing house with tammy tightass. Gloria:Knock it off, Alma. I will make Orson come around. Alma:I don't believe you anymore. She's got her claws in him, and she's not letting go. Gloria:Don't be so sure. I was looking over at their house last night, and I saw something very...curious. Alma:What? Gloria:You can't see it down here. We need to be up higher. (They go up to the attic. Alma enters first.) Alma:How can you see anything from here? There's not even a window. (Gloria closes the door and locks Alma in the attic.) Alma:Gloria? Gloria?! Gloria:Just calm down, sweetheart.
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Alma:Gloria, let me out! Gloria:Stress isn't good for the baby. Alma:What are you doing?! Gloria?! (Gloria walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Funeral Parlor] (Susan walks in and goes up to Ian, who is greeting people as they enter.) Susan:So how are you holding up? Ian:Better, now that you're here. (He leans in to kiss her. She stops him.) Susan:Oh! No, I wanna, um, keep a low profile. Ian:But I've kissed a hundred lips today. I assure you, it would look more conspicuous if I didn't. (He kisses her and after a few seconds, she pushes him away.) Susan:Okay, that's enough. (She goes into the seating area and sits in the back. A woman goes up to Ian and hugs him. As she and Ian talk, Susan can't seem to help but eavesdrop.) Lynn:Ian, oh, you must be shattered. I know I am. Ian:Thanks for coming, Lynn. Lynn:You know, Jane used to kid me about you. Ian:Huh. Did she? Lynn:She'd say, "Lynn, if anything ever happens to me, I want you to marry Ian. You're pushy. Maybe you can get him to pick up his socks. " Listen, um, if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Why don't you stop over some night for a home-cooked meal? Ian:Oh, that...that's very kind of you, but I wouldn't dream of putting you out. Lynn:Well, I won't take no for an answer. Have you got my number? (Susan rolls her eyes.) Susan:I sure as hell do. Ian:Well, I'm sure I'll find it in Jane's phone book. Lynn:Let me give it to you, just in case. Call anytime. (Lynn walks into the seating area and Susan trips her.) Susan:Oops. Watch yourself. (Lynn looks at her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike is talking with Carlos.) Mike:So I was there on a plumbing job. It makes complete sense. I had no reason to want her dead. Carlos:I always thought hypnotherapy was a bunch of bull, but damn. This is huge, man. You didn't kill anyone. The murderer has to be this yellow gloves guy. Mike:Yeah, but no matter how much I concentrate, I still can't see a face. Carlos:Ah, you will. Look at the progress that you've made so far. You're gonna find this guy, and then you're gonna hand his ass over to the cops. Mike:Yeah...something like that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Funeral Parlor] (Lynn sits down in the row in front of Susan and begins talking with the woman next to her.) Lynn:Hey, guys.
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Woman:Well, Ian seems to be holding up. Lynn:It's just a mask. The man is devastated. Tomorrow night, I'm gonna swing by his place to offer him a casserole and a shoulder to cry on. Woman:Will that shoulder be wearing a spaghetti strap, and Chanel number five? Lynn:You know me so well. Oh, look at him. Even in mourning, the man is scrumptious. Susan:I'm sorry for eavesdropping, but don't you think your conversation is a little inappropriate? I mean, we're here to grieve, not cruise. Lynn:I'm sorry, and you are... Susan:Susan Mayer. I'm... a friend of the family. Lynn:Then you know how lonely Ian's been.And if I want to do something about that,it's no business of yours. Susan:Look, just to save you the embarrassment, Ian's seeing someone. Lynn:Who? Susan:I'm not at liberty to say. Under the circumstances, they'd prefer to keep it quiet. I don't believe it. If there was some bimbo in the picture, I'd have heard about it. Lynn:As far as I'm concerned, he's free meat. Susan:Okay, it's me. Lynn:What? Susan:I'm the bimbo. He's my meat. All righty. I just wanted to clear that up. And now I'm going to go find myself a seat with a...better view. (She moves to a different row.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Tom's restaurant] (The teenage employees, including Austin, are sitting around one of the tables as Tom talks to them.) Tom:Here are your W-4s.Please sign them and get them back to me as soon as possible.Also,I'm gonna need a copy...(to Lynette, who has just walked in) hi, of your driver's license. Lynette:Austin? Austin:Yeah? Lynette:What are you doing here? I fired you. Austin:Well, Mr. Scavo gave me my job back. Lynette:Hey! You hired him back? Did he tell you he was stoned on the job? Tom:Yeah, and he knows if he does again, he's outta here. So I wanted... Lynette:Look, I don't know what kind of hustle you pulled on him, but it's not gonna work on me. Tom:Lynette. Lynette:No, I fired him, and you are gonna stay fired. Tom:Honey, can I see you in the back for a sec? (They go into the back.) Tom:What the hell are you doing, talking to me like that in front of my staff? Lynette:Well, I'm sorry, but you totally blindsided me out there. Tom:No,I was the one who was blindsided.You just went off on me without hearing what my reasons were. Lynette:Well, I'm sorry. Let's hear them. What are your reasons for bringing back Joe Bong hit? Tom:I'll tell you if you drop that tone and stop making that face. Lynette:What is... Tom:This was a business decision. In case you hadn't noticed, and hadn't, until the waitresses pointed it out to me, Austin is hot. He's gonna bring in every girl from Fairview High And half the boys in the chorus. What's more, Edie is gonna include our menu in the welcome packet she gives to new homeowners. I'm not sure she'd feel so generous If we fired her nephew. Those reasons working for ya?
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Lynette:Yeah. I just wish you'd told me before you rehired him. I mean, I am the manager. Tom:Right...But I'm the boss. Lynette:Well, kinda. Tom:No, no. Not kind of. Really. I'm the boss. Lynette:You pulling rank on me? Tom:Look,at home,you get to be in charge,and you decide how we discipline the boys,what car we buy,everything. Lynette:I consult you. Tom:Oh, sure, and if you disagree, you ignore me. Look, when I go home, basically, I check my balls at the door, and that's fine. It works. But for this to work, when you walk through that door, you gotta check yours. Lynette:Okay. Tom:Really? Lynette:Really. This place is your dream, so...consider them checked. Tom:Thanks. Now I need you to do just one more thing. Lynette:Whatever you say...boss. (Later, Tom and Lynette are back out front in front of the other employees. Lynette's back is to them as Tom faces them, yelling at Lynette.) Tom:I don't care if you think you know what's best! You don't! I do, because I'm the boss, and what I say goes. Lynette (whispering):Yeah, that's it. Give it to me. Tom:So when I make a decision, it stays made! You got that, Lynette? Lynette:Yes, sir. (whispers) Okay, that's enough. Tom (whispering):No, just one more. (raises his voice again) And if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it! But I probably won't, because I'm the boss! Are we clear? Lynette (whispering):Seriously, stop or I will hurt you. Tom:Okay, I've made my point. Anybody needs me, I'll be in the back...drinking a beer. (He leaves and Lynette turns back to the employees. She gives a small shrug.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Luke and Gabrielle are eating dinner together.) Luke:This is delicious. Gabrielle:Don't get too full. You have to leave room for dessert. Luke:What are we having? Gabrielle:Well, let's just say it's going to be served upstairs and involves whipped cream. Luke:Is it pudding? Gabrielle:No. Luke:Oh! You're flirting. Okay. Do it again. I swear I'll get it. Gabrielle:It's okay. Do you want some coffee? Luke:You bet I want coffee...nice and hot and... Gabrielle:Just finish your soup, and we'll get naked. (The doorbell rings. Gabrielle answers it.) Man:Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Solis. I work with Luke. Is he available? Luke:Charles? What are you doing here? Charles:You forgot to initial some pages on the Halverson contract. Luke:Can't this wait? Charles:The market's already open in Tokyo. (Gabrielle comes up to them.)
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Gabrielle:Uh, go ahead. I'm gonna open some more wine. (Luke begins flipping through the papers that Charles brought. One of the pages has a note written on it that says "Gabrielle is mine sleep with her and you're FIRED! Leave, but don't make it obvious.") Charles:Mr. Young wants to make sure you understand that last part. Do you? Luke:Yeah. I get it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Funeral Parlor] Priest:So when we think of Jane, let us remember her kind heart and her loving spirit. And now if there's someone who'd like to share a special memory of our dear friend? Lynn:I would.Hi.I'm Lynn Dean. Jane and I were sorority sisters.If she were here,she'd make me sing our pledge song,but I think there's already been enough grief for one day.Now I know how badly we've all felt for Ian during his long,lonely vigil.I'm sure you'll be as happy as I was to learn his vigil wasn't quite so lonely after all. Susan:Oh, dear God. Lynn:No, he found a warm, caring woman to share his burden...and so much else. (Ian turns around to look at Susan, who waves weakly to him.) Lynn:Some people might find the fact that she's here today...inappropriate. (Susan gets up and tries to leave inconspicuously.) Lynn:But I think she's a hero. She dared to brave the scorn of those who might find her actions questionable or even unsavory. I was gonna ask her to stand, but I see she already has. Susan Mayer, say hello. Susan:Hey. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Luke quickly spears several pieces of meat onto his fork and shoves them into his mouth.) Gabrielle:Guess someone's in a hurry to get on with the evening. Luke:Yeah. Well, I should go. Gabrielle:What? Luke:I have a lot more work to do on that Halverson deal. Sorry. Gabrielle:But can't it wait till after dessert? And by dessert, I mean sex. You are clear on that, right? Luke:Painfully, but my job's at stake here. I really don't have much of a choice. Gabrielle:Oh, I think you've got lots of choices. Here's one of them. (She pulls his head down and kisses him. From across the street, Zach sits in his car, watching them. He dials a number on his cell phone and Luke's phone rings. He answers it while Gabrielle continues to kiss him on his neck.) Luke:Hello? Zach:What do you think you're doing? Luke:What? Zach:I gave you an order, and I expect you to follow it. Now get out of there. Luke:I'm trying, sir. It's just that I'm meeting some resistance to the plan...we've agreed on. Zach:Okay, she's not letting you leave? That's fine. Here's what I want you to say. Luke:Okay, I'll give that a shot, sir. (He hangs up.) Gabrielle:Is that your office? Luke:Yeah, they, uh, they really need me over there. Gabrielle:Okay. So come back when you're done. I'll wait up. Luke:I can't. No, I really can't.
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Gabrielle:What is with you?! An hour ago, you we really into me, and now you can't get out fast enough. Luke:Okay. Truth? I thought I could do this, but I can't. I'm just not attracted to you. Gabrielle:Of course you are! Luke:No. See...I really only date women in their twenties. Gabrielle:What? Luke:Sorry. You're too old for me. (Moments later, Gabrielle has literally kicked Luke out of her house.) Gabrielle:I still got a lot of kick for an old broad, don't I?! (Zach smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree's house - nighttime] (Bree takes out the trash. She turns around and notices a ladder leaning against her house, with a small black bag near the top of it. she begins climbing the ladder. She steps on the final rung of the ladder to grab the bag, and the rung breaks. She falls to the ground. Orson and Bree rush outside to her.) Andrew:Mom? Mom? Mom, are you all right? Orson:Don't move her. She might have broken something. (He pulls out his cell phone and dials 911.) Orson:Yes, we need an ambulance, please, at forty-three fifty-four Wisteria Lane. My wife's had a bad fall. Please hurry. (He hangs up. Andrew opens up the bag that Bree had reached for on the ladder and pours a handful of marbles out into his hand. He looks up at Orson.) Andrew:The hell is this? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Waiting Room] (A nurse comes into the waiting room where Andrew and Orson are sitting.) Nurse:Mrs. Hodge was very lucky. She only suffered a slight concussion. If you have any more questions, the doctor should be back soon. Orson:Thank you. (The nurse leaves.) Orson:Thank God. I was so worried. Andrew:Yeah, I'll bet. Orson:What's that supposed to mean? Andrew:I heard you two yesterday. All that stuff about you maybe going to jail. Orson:Well, that's none of your business. But if you think I had anything to do with Bree falling... Andrew:I'm not stupid. I know the cops have been all over you about that dead woman, and Mom said for you to fix it, or she would. Is this "accident" how you fixed it? Orson:All right, you're upset. I get it. Andrew:No, no, you don't get it. There's a reason my Mom put me out on the street last year. You've never met that guy. You've never met bad Andrew. But hurt my Mom, and you will. Orson:I love your mother. I'm gonna do everything I can to protect her. Andrew:Yeah, so am I. (He leaves the room and goes up to the nurse.) Andrew:Hi. I'm Bree Hodge's son. You see that guy right there? That's her husband. Do not under any circumstances let him be alone with her. Nurse:Why? Andrew:Because it's his fault that she's in here. He's a dangerous guy. Now I've warned you. If anything
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happens to her, you're liable. (He passes by the waiting room on his way out.) Andrew:Night, Dad. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Zach goes up on the porch and bends over to leave a gift on the welcome mat. As he turns to leave, a tipsy Gabrielle opens the door.) Zach:Oh, you're home. I thought you'd still be out on your date. Gabrielle:Date's over. What do you want? Zach:Oh, I thought since I can't take you out for your birthday, I'd at least leave you a present. Don't worry. It's not expensive. (The gift is a coffee mug with the words "World's Greatest Friend" on it.) Gabrielle:Ohhh, Zach! Zach:So how'd your date go? (Later, Gabrielle is leaning on Zach as they relax on the couch. Empty dinner plates sit on the coffee table in front of them.) Zach:Is he crazy? You're not old. Gabrielle:You did not see the look on his face when I tried to kiss him. It's like he was sniffing expired milk. Zach:That's ridiculous. You're gorgeous, and you're just gonna get prettier every year. Gabrielle:Ah, that's so sweet...but it's a lie. Every tick of the clock takes away something. Zach, what am I gonna do when I'm not pretty anymore? Zach:That's never gonna happen. Gabrielle:I'm gonna take a little nap, okay? Just for a minute. (She closes her eyes and falls asleep against him.) Zach:Take as long as you like. (He gently strokes her hair.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Funeral Parlor, Embalming Room] (Ian walks into the embalming room,where Susan is huddled up against the wall.Two dead bodies are on tables in the room.) Ian:Susan, I've looked everywhere for you. I didn't think to start with the, um...embalming room. Susan:Yeah. I'll be having night terrors from now on...which I deserve. Ian:Look, no one is judging you. If anything, they're judging that dreadful Lynn. I should be thanking you for driving her away. It usually takes a crucifix and some garlic. Susan:I'm so sorry I ruined Jane's funeral. Ian:No, you didn't. Susan:Yes, I did. It's just... Ian:What? Susan:I thought after we got through this really...painful day, things would start to get better. I thought I could be more a part of your world. Now all your friends and family are just gonna think of me as the crazy lady from Jane's funeral. Oh, God. Oh, Ian. Okay, this is not supposed to be about me. You should be upstairs...saying good-bye. I'm just gonna hide out here with the departed until everybody leaves. Ian:No. No more hiding. We have been doing it far too long. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You helped me through the most difficult part of my life. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you.
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Susan:Ian, are you proposing to me? Ian:Well...I guess maybe I...I am. Susan:Well, well, uh, before you say another word...take a look around. Ian:Ah. Right. Susan:I hadn't really thought a lot about this moment,but when I did...the table we were at didn't have a blood gutter. Ian:Then may I reopen the subject at a more opportune time and place? Susan:Yes. I accept your proposal to propose. Ian:Shall we? (They leave the embalming room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hypnotherapist's office] (Mike is lying on the couch again, his eyes closed.) Therapist:Now I want you to dig deep. If you feel your memory blocked, just count to three, and the block will melt away. It is natural and easy for you to recall anything. Now remember Monique Polier. Remember the night you met her. [Flashback - Monique's house] (Mike walks into the house after leaving for the hardware store.) Mike:Ms. Polier? I've, uh... got that part for the sink. Hello? (He goes into the kitchen and sees gloved hands pull themselves up from behind a counter. It's Orson.) Orson:Sorry. Monique's upstairs taking a nap. She wasn't feeling well. [Present Day - Hypnotherapist's office] (Mike's eyes open.) Therapist:Mike? Did you see something? [Flashback - Monique's house] Orson:I'm her boyfriend. I, uh, figured she'd want to wake up to a clean kitchen. Mike:Well, I'll just finish up with the sink and be out of your hair. Orson:Why don't you let me take care of the sink? I mean, I'm pretty handy, and it's getting late. Mike:I don't mind staying. Orson:No, look, it's okay. I got it under control. Here. Well, this should cover what we owe you. Mike:Tell Ms. Polier I hope she feels better. Orson:Will do. Oh, hey...don't forget your wrench. (He hands Mike the wrench which had been soaking in the sink.) [Present Day - Hypnotherapist's office] (Mike gets up and leaves the therapist's office.) Therapist:Mike? Where are you going? Mike! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Mike knocks on the front door. Danielle opens it.) Danielle:Hey, Mr. Delfino. Mike:I need to talk to your stepdad. Danielle:Orson's not here. He went to the hospital with my Mom. (Mike turns and leaves. Danielle calls after him.) Danielle:She's fine! Thanks for asking! (Mike drives away.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Hospital - Waiting Room] Nurse:Mr. Hodge? You're wife's just sleeping. I suggest you go home and do the same. Orson:I will. Nurse:You're okay? Orson:Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. It's just, uh...there was a time where we were all so happy. I just can't seem to remember it anymore. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital - Roof Parking] (Orson walks to his car.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Recapturing the past is a tricky business. While most memories are simply souvenirs of a happier time... (Mike steps out from behind a car.) Mike:Hey, there. Mary Alice Voiceover:...others can be quite deadly. Orson:Hey, Mike. What brings you to the hospital? Mike:I've been seeing an hypnotherapist. She's helping me fill the gaps of my memory. Orson:How is it going? Mike:It's working. (Orson suddenly runs across several cars while Mike follows on the ground. When Orson reaches the last car, he jumps to the ground and Mike grabs him. They fight, punching each other. At one point, Orson pushes Mike away from him, but the momentum causes Orson to lose his balance and he falls over the side of the building.) ~The end ~
Desperate Housewives 3X15: The Little Things You Do Together -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:The Scavos prepared for a grand opening... Lynette:This could be the best thing that's ever happened to our family. Mary Alice Voiceover:While Gabrielle had a few too many drinks... Gabrielle:I'm gonna take a little nap, okay? Mary Alice Voiceover:...and a cry for help made Orson lose his cool. Orson:Suicide is the worst thing that could happen to a family! Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike got arrested... Bree:Oh, thank god. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and a friendship hit the rocks. Susan:For the sake of our friendship-Bree:Make no mistake,Our friendship is over. Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson's mom was determined... Gloria:In the eyes of god,you're "the other woman". Mary Alice Voiceover:...to bring Alma and Orson back together. Bree:She raped you,and your mother helped.
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Orson:I think it's time I told you about the night about Monique died. Mary Alice Voiceover:Alma became a prisoner... Alma:Gloria?! Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree... Bree:Aah! Mary Alice Voiceover:...was set up to take a fall,and mike was finally able to remember the past. Orson:Uhh! Uhh!Aah! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Orson falls in slow motion from the roof of the hospital.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Orson Hodge had always assumed that the moment before he died, his entire life would flash before his eyes. But as he fell from the roof of the Fairview Memorial Hospital, it wasn't his life he saw. It was one night in particular. [Flashback] (Orson enters Monique's house holding flowers.) Orson:Monique? I've got wonderful news. Bonnes nouvelles! Monique? (He walks into the kitchen where Gloria is standing over Monique's still body.) Gloria:There's been an accident. Orson:Oh, my God. What have you done? Gloria:It was self-defense. I came to tell her to stay away from you. She attacked me. (Orson checks Monique's pulse.) Orson:Mother...she's dead. Gloria:I know. And I'm sorry, but what's done is done. What are you doing? Orson:I'm calling the police. Gloria:No! I'll go to jail. Orson:You killed someone! Gloria:I'm your mother! You've got to help me! Orson:But I loved her. Gloria:I once lost someone I loved, thanks to you. You owe me. (Mike enters the house.) Mike:Hello? Ms. Polier? I've got that part for the sink. Hello? Ms. Polier? (Mike walks into the kitchen and sees Orson with his yellow cleaning gloves on.) Mike:Ah, I'm sorry. Orson:I'm Monique's boyfriend. She's upstairs lying down. She wasn't feeling well. Mike:Well, I'll just finish up with the sink and get out of your hair. Orson:Look, why don't you let me take care of that? I mean, I'm pretty handy, and it's getting late. Mike:I don't mind staying. Orson:I've got it under control. Here, let me, uh, let me pay you. That should cover it. Mike:Thanks. (Mike starts to leave and Orson picks up Mike's wrench where it was soaking in the sink.) Orson:Oh, hey...don't forget your wrench. (Mike leaves and Gloria comes out of the pantry where she had been hiding.) Gloria:You handled that very well, son. Now help me find a tarp. (Later, Orson and Gloria are outside at an unidentified location. Orson is digging a large hole in the ground while Gloria struggles to pull out Monique's teeth.) Orson:What are you doing? Gloria:You don't want her identified through dental records, do you? I must say, I never realized your job was
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so difficult. Orson:It's not enough to kill her. You have to desecrate her body, too? Get away from her! (Orson rushes at Gloria, knocking her away from Monique's body. Gloria falls into the grave-sized hole that Orson had been digging.) Gloria:Now look what you've done! I think my damn hip's broken. Help me. [Present day] (Orson continues falling through the air.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes...Orson Hodge had always assumed that his life would flash before his eyes the moment before he died. Luckily, for Orson, that moment... (Orson's fall is broken by a tree and he lands more gently on the ground when he falls from the tree. Two paramedics and a cop, who were standing nearby, rush over to him.) Paramedic #1:I got a pulse! Paramedic #2:Let's get him inside! Mary Alice Voiceover:...was not scheduled for today. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:The first light of sunrise. The sound of the cat purring. The smell of fresh coffee. Yes, there are many things a housewife likes to wake up to. [Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle wakes up slowly to find Zach, wearing only his boxers, sitting up reading the newspaper in bed next to her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But an unexpected guest in her bed...is not one of them. Gabrielle:Zach? You're... in your underwear. Zach:Well, I needed to put on something to get the morning paper. Gabrielle:You've been here all night? Zach:Sure. I'm not one of those guys who gets up and leaves right after. Gabrielle:Right after what? Zach:Do you wanna hear me say it? Fine. You were...amazing. Gabrielle:Okay,listen to me very carefully,and this is no time to be vague.What exactly was I amazing at? (Zach motions to an empty condom wrapper next to the bed.) Gabrielle:Please tell me that once contained a mint. Zach:After a few drinks, you told me how lonely you were, and that I was the kindest man you'd met in a few years, and, uh...then you kissed me And then you took off your... Gabrielle:Okay, okay, stop talking. I'm getting nauseous. Zach:This is so great. I have so many awesome plans for us. "Us." Oh, man. It feels so good to say that. Gabrielle:Oh, God. Here it comes. (She rushes to the bathroom.) Zach:Would you like me to hold your hair, honey? Gabrielle:No! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is lying in bed sleeping. She rolls over to Tom's side of the bed, which is empty. Later, she walks down the stairs to find Tom rushing around the kitchen, pulling freshly-baked bread sticks out of the oven, with already baked breadsticks cooling on every available surface.) Lynette:Hey, what are you doing?
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Tom:I'm lying in bed,thinking about the opening tonight,when it hits me...we could run out of breadsticks. Lynette:Oh, honey, you have had, what, four hours sleep in the past three days? You need rest. Who cares if we run out of breadsticks? Tom:I do! Tonight's the most important night of my life. Everything's gotta be perfect. Here. Try that. Lynette:It's good. Tom:No. Too salty. Lynette:If they're salty, we'll sell more beer. See? You're a genius. Tom:Don't patronize me! Oh, my God. This is gonna be a disaster. Lynette:Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant. Tom:Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people. Lynette:Only two.And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again.Come on.Let's go get some sleep. Tom:The dough maker and the chairs get delivered at noon. Lynette:I know. I'm the one that put in the order. I will handle anything that needs to be done. And you, take these and get some sleep. (She hands him some pills.) Lynette:Come on. We need you at your best tonight. Tom:You're right. I'm sorry. Crazy. Honey glaze. Honey glaze will cut the salt in the breadsticks. Lynette:Tom, I do not need to be pregnant to kick your ass. Now go. Go on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital] (Andrew is visiting Bree in the hospital.) Bree:Andrew, you're here. What happened to me? Andrew:You kinda had an accident. You fell off our ladder. Bree:Oh, that's right. Is Orson here? Andrew:Yeah, he's at the hospital but, he's not exactly visiting. (Later...) Bree:Suicide? No.Orson would never try to kill himself.The police are wrong.It must have been an accident. Andrew:But they found his footprints on the trunk of his car. The only reason he'd be up there is to jump. Bree:But why? Andrew:Maybe he was feeling guilty. Bree:For what? Andrew:Mom, I looked at that ladder. Someone sawed through the rung. Bree:And you think... Andrew:I heard you two in your room the other day. You told him to turn himself in or else...the next day, you fall and nearly die. You think that's a coincidence? Bree:And you say he's just down the hall? Andrew:Yeah,but don't worry.I told them not to let him near you,and we're gonna get you home as soon as we can. (In the hallway, Ian and Susan are near the nurse's station. Ian is speaking to a nurse at the nurse's station.) Nurse:Can I help you? Ian:I'm here to pick up my wife's belongings. Jane Hainsworth? Nurse:Oh, yes. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be right back. (She leaves.) Susan:You doing okay? Ian:Not really, but having you here helps.
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(Andrew comes around the corner and sees Ian and Susan.) Andrew:Oh, hey, Mrs. Mayer. Susan:Andrew, what are you doing at the hospital? Andrew:You haven't heard? (Later, Susan goes into Bree's room.) Susan:Hey. Bree:Susan. Susan:I just heard from Andrew what happened. I had to come see you. If you want me to go, uh... Bree:No, no. Come in. Susan:I know we've been fighting. Something like this happens, it just puts everything into perspective. I am so sorry. It was all my fault. If I hadn't got so caught up in protecting Mike... Bree:Susan, stop. Mike is innocent. He had nothing to do with Monique Polier's murder. Susan:Do you know something? Bree:Yes, and I intend to go to the police. Susan:Oh, my God. Does this have something to do with Orson's accident? Bree:I can't tell you right now. You're just gonna have to trust me. Can you do that? Susan:Of course. I should let you rest. Bree:So we're back to being friends? Susan:We never really stopped. (At the nurse's station, Ian is going through the box of items that the nurse gave him.) Ian:Um, excuse me. These things don't belong to Jane. Nurse:Are you sure? (He holds up a whittling knife.) Ian:Oh, every couple has their secrets, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't a closet whittler. (He looks at the name written on the box.) Ian:Mike Delfino. Nurse:Oh, these are Mike's things? Ian:Yep. Someone made a big mistake. (The nurse turns to shout over her shoulder at someone.) Nurse:Helen, you screwed up the labels again! (Ian pulls out an ring box.) Ian:He had an engagement ring with him. Nurse:Ooh, that's pretty. Ian:You know, Mike and I are good friends. I could return these things to him, if you like. Nurse:Sorry. He'll have to pick 'em up himself. It's hospital policy. (She turns to yell over her shoulder again.) Nurse:It's also hospital policy to put the right labels on the right boxes! (Susan comes rushing up to Ian. He quickly hides the ring box he was holding.) Susan:Ian! Ian, you're not gonna believe this. Bree just told me she can prove Mike's innocent. Ian:What? Susan:It's true. He's gonna be a free man. Isn't that great? (She hugs him and he drops the ring box on the ground.) Ian:Yes, it's bloody fantastic. (She bends down and picks up the ring box and hands it to him, not even looking to see what it is.) Susan:Here. I'm gonna go get Bree some flowers. I'll be right back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Mike's house] (Carlos is on the phone while he and Mike are in the kitchen.) Carlos:No, no, that's great news. Thank you, doctor. (Carlos hangs up the phone.) Mike:So Orson's gonna pull through? Carlos:You'd rather he didn't? Mike:No. I just don't know what he's gonna tell the police when he wakes up. Carlos:It wasn't your fault. Orson, falling off that roof was an accident, right? Mike:Well, sort of. Carlos:Sort of? Mike:Depending on what Orson tells them, I could get charged with attempted murder. (Out of sight from the two men, Susan stands on Mike's porch, having heard everything.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette is on the phone with Andrew.) Lynette:Well, I'm so glad she has you to take care of her, and of course your mom comes first, Andrew. And I wouldn't even ask except, you know, we're opening tonight... (An employee walks by.) Employee:Chairs are here. Lynette:Oh, God. Seriously? Fantastic. Thank you. It's just two quick hours, and then we'll get you right back home with your mom. Thank you, Andrew. Okay. Bye-bye. (She walks up to Austin.) Lynette:Did you finish folding the takeout menus? Austin:You never asked me to do that. Lynette:I shouldn't have to tell you every little thing, you know. Show some initiative. (Lynette goes up to the chair delivery man. He's stacking high chairs against a wall.) Lynette:Wait. Where are my chairs? I didn't order these. Delivery Man:You're Lynette Scavo? Lynette:Yes. Delivery Man:Well, then you ordered these. Lynette:No. Why would I order fifty high chairs for the opening of a pizzeria? Delivery Man:I don't know.I thought it was one of those kiddie pizza places with the games and the animatronic rats. Lynette:Give me that. (She grabs the clipboard from him.) Delivery Man:Easy there, Sally. Lynette:Animatronic rats. Where do they find you people? Okay, okay, here it is. See? I ordered fifty of item number seven three... Delivery Man:Did we find the mistake? Lynette:I switched the seven and the one. Delivery Man:So...we're both wrong. Lynette:Now this place opens in five hours. How long will it take to fix this? (Later, Lynette is on the phone.) Lynette:Hi. I need to rent fifty chairs by tonight at five o'clock. What? Why not? What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah season? There's no such thing. You still have five. I will take those. Scavo. (She hangs up.)
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Lynette:Okay, that brings us to 22. Javi, Rico, we got chairs to find. Move it. (Two employees rush off to follow her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Carlos knocks on Gabrielle's door. She answers it, looking hung over.) Carlos:Looks like someone crawled into a bottle of Merlot last night. Gabrielle:I sort of threw myself a little birthday party.So if you don't mind,I'd like to get back to my dry heaving. Carlos:Quick question. Was that Zach Young I saw leaving your house at eight o'clock this morning? Gabrielle:Uh, oh, yeah. Um...He just came by to, uh...drop off a birthday card. Really cute little cat with balloons. All right, bye. Carlos:Follow-up. Why was Zach in your driveway at seven o'clock this morning...in his underwear? Gabrielle:We had sex last night! Carlos:What?! Gabrielle:I mean, I think we did. That's what he told me. Carlos:Weren't you there? Gabrielle:No, I don't remember anything! I just woke up, and he was in bed next to me. (Zach pushes past Gaby to leave the house.) Zach:Thanks again, Gaby. Hey, Carlos. (Zach leaves.) Carlos:If you don't remember, then how can you be sure that you and Zach had sex? Gabrielle:Well, we were both half-naked, and there was a condom wrapper. And he said I was amazing, which totally sounds like me. He thinks we're a couple now. You have to help me. Carlos:I am not getting involved. God, I can't believe you bagged another neighborhood kid. Gabrielle:Where are you going? Carlos:To warn the Scavo boys. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital] (A hospital psychiatrist is questioning Orson while he lies in his hospital bed.) Orson:I wanna speak to my wife. Psychiatrist:She's resting. If we can get back to these questions... Orson:I fell off a roof. I need a physician, not a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist:Well, I'm afraid it's hospital policy when there's a suspected suicide attempt. Orson:I didn't try to kill myself. Psychiatrist:But you do have a certain...history?You spent most of nineteen seventy-six in a psychiatric hospital. Orson:I don't care to discuss that. Psychiatrist:You won't be leaving here until we do. Orson:My parents were very religious. When I was sixteen, my father had an affair, caused quite a scandal at our church. He became depressed. He started drinking heavily. My mother grew concerned. She didn't like leaving him alone. One night, she had to visit a sick friend, and she asked me to keep an eye on him. But I had made plans with friends. I thought I could duck out for a while. When I got home, I found him in the bathroom. Psychiatrist:You blamed yourself? Orson:I didn't need to. Mother blamed me enough for both of us. Psychiatrist:That must have caused quite a strain in your relationship. Orson:Yes. But now and then, she suggests little ways I might make it up to her.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Gloria calls the hospital.) Gloria:Yes,I'm calling to check on the status of a patient.Last name Hodge.What do you mean,which Hodge? (Off the phone, Gloria goes up to the attic where Alma is locked in.) Alma:Gloria! Thank God. I thought you'd forgotten about me. When are you letting me out of here? Gloria:It won't be long now. In fact, something interesting happened last night. Orson tried to kill himself. Alma:Oh, my goodness. Is he okay? Gloria:He'll be fine. My point is, suicide is hardly the act of a happily married man. Alma:Gloria, for God sake, give it up. He doesn't love me. Gloria:He will, dear. Bree will be gone soon, and he'll need a good woman like you to console him. Alma:What are you gonna do to Bree? (Gloria walks away from the door.) Alma:Gloria? Gloria? (Alma goes to the window, where screws are holding up a metal covering. She begins to work at unscrewing the screws.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] Lynette:Oh, hey, hon. Tom:Hey. Lynette:Did you get some sleep? Tom:Yes. I'm still kind of groggy from those pills, but... (He looks around the restaurant and sees all of the various types of chairs sitting around the tables.) Tom: ...and now I'm awake. Lynette:Okay, little mix-up with the new chairs. Tom:Which you were in charge of. Lynette:Okay, okay, we could point fingers, but what's important is forgetting about what we expected, and focusing on what we have, which isn't so bad. I mean, all the different kinds of chairs give the place a kind of bohemian vibe. Plus, if we get a lot of babies, look, we're just totally set. Tom, I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry. I just, I realize it's not perfect. But...please say something. Tom:What can I say, Lynette? It is what it is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Andrew and Danielle are arguing.) Danielle:Why do I have to babysit Mom?All my friends are gonna be at the opening.Austin was gonna sneak us beer! Andrew:Damn it, Danielle, I have to work! Our mother's lying helpless upstairs 'cause her husband tried to kill her. Now for just one night, could you try to be responsible? (She follows him outside as he gets in his car.) Danielle:I liked you better when you were a psychopath! (Andrew drives off and Gloria, who had been checking her mail, smiles as she overhears the argument.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Zach goes up to Gabrielle and hands her a drink.) Zach:Here you go. Gabrielle:Oh, you're...here.
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Zach:I wouldn't have missed it. You know how I feel about Lynette and Tom. Gabrielle:Look, Zach, I'm glad you're here. I've been wanting to talk about us. Zach:Me, too. You, uh, being in my life now, having the connection that we do, this is really the first time that I've been happy since my mother killed herself. Gabrielle:Would you excuse me a second? Zach:Of course, baby. Hurry back. (Gabrielle finds Carlos.) Gabrielle:I am in hell.I just tried to break up with Zach,and the little twerp played the dead Mommy card. Carlos:Well, you can't let him make you feel guilty. Gabrielle:But I am guilty. I don't remember how we ended up in bed together. Maybe I led him on. I gotta be sensitive here. Could you threaten him for me? Carlos:What? Gabrielle:You know, intimidate him. Do the whole jealous, Latin ex-husband thing you do. Tell him if you can't have me, nobody can. Carlos:Forget it. I'm not gonna to do that to poor Zach. Gabrielle:Hey,I am looking out for Zach,too.If I dump him,it'll destroy him emotionally.Better to scare him off. Please? Carlos:Fine. Gabrielle:Thank you! Okay, look, there he goes. Go! Go get all cholo on his ass. (Carlos follows Zach into the bathroom. He stands at the urinal next to him.) Zach:Hey, Mr. Solis. Carlos:Hey. Look, I need to talk to you about something.It's a little awkward, but... (As he's talking, Carlos leans over slightly to look at Zach peeing at the urinal. Carlos pulls back, his eyes wide.) Zach:Mr. Solis? Carlos:What? Zach:You were just saying that something was awkward? Carlos:Never mind. Forget that I said anything. (Carlos meets up with Gabrielle at the bar.) Gabrielle:Hey. So how'd it go? Carlos:You did not have sex with Zach Young. Gabrielle:Really? Did he tell you that? Carlos:He didn't have to. Gabrielle:What? Carlos:I was standing next to him at the urinal.I don't care how drunk you were.If you had sex with him,you'd remember. Gabrielle:Little Zach Young? Well, just how much would I have remembered? (Carlos reaches up where some large decorative sausages are hanging by his head. He taps one so it swings gently.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Danielle is reading on the couch when the doorbell rings. It's Gloria.) Danielle:Hey. What are you doing here? Gloria:I thought Bree might like some soup. It's my own special recipe. I'm surprised to find you home. I thought the whole street was going to Scavo's tonight. Danielle:Well, I was supposed to go, but Andrew said I had to stay home and babysit mom.
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Gloria:Well, that's just silly. A vibrant young lady like you should be at the party, turning boys' heads. You go. I'll look after your mother. Danielle:You mean it? Gloria:Just take her dinner up first. I don't think I can manage the tray with my cane. Danielle:Thanks, Grandma. You're the best! This soup smells so good. Gloria:You wanna score some points? Don't say I brought it. Tell her you made it yourself. (Danielle goes upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Alma's house] (Alma has finished removing the screws from the metal covering. She opens up the window and crawls out onto the roof. She makes it to the top of the roof and sees Danielle leaving her house.) Alma:Hey! Hello! Over here! (Danielle has taken out her makeup compact and is inspecting her image and doesn't hear Alma calling. Alma begins waving her arms over her head and loses her balance, falling to the ground.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] Tom:Honey, there is a line out the door. We are gonna make a killing tonight. Lynette:I'm happy for you. Tom:For us. Lynette:Now it's "us"? Because I thought I was the one who was trying to ruin everything. Tom:Hey, look, I know I overreacted... Lynette:Yes, you did. But I have customers. (She leaves.) (Susan runs into Mike.) Susan:The place came out great, huh? Mike:Sure did. Looks like, uh, the whole street's here. Susan:Yeah. Except for Orson, who fell off a roof. You know anything about that? Mike:Why would you think that? Susan:I heard you talking to Carlos. Now answer the question. Mike:I can't talk about it here. It's complicated. Susan:It always is with you. (Zach goes up to Gabrielle.) Zach:Hey. I just had a slice of pizza. It's pretty good. Gabrielle:Is it really good, or are you just pretending you had a slice? You and I did not have sex. Admit it! Zach:Of course we did. Gabrielle:Zach! How can you claim to care about me and lie to my face? Zach:I'm sorry. I'm tired of just being your friend. I thought if you saw me as a lover, you can think of me as a man, not...not a boy. Gabrielle:Zach, a real man is honest. All you've ever tried to do is bribe and trick me into falling in love with you. A little advice next time: Don't play games. Just stand up and be the kind of man a woman would be proud to share her life with. (Edie stands up and clinks her glass to get everyone's attention.) Edie:Hello! I think it's high time to make a toast. Tom, where are you? Where... Ah. Tom, you did it. There are a lot of people in this room that didn't think you could pull it off. Okay, well, maybe just me. Anyway, congratulations. The pizza is excellent, and the service is sublime. Cheers. Cheers. (Other customers begin chiming in.)
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Customers:Speech! Tom:Thank you. Thank you for coming. It means everything in the world to me. I gotta tell you, when I arrived here this afternoon, I saw all these weird chairs, I thought the evening was gonna be a total disaster. But now when I look out, I can't even see the chairs. I just see people eating, laughing and having a great time. It's absolutely perfect. And none of this would've happened without my amazing partner Lynette. Who, uh...To...I'm sorry. I'm a little... (Lynette walks up to Tom.) Lynette:I think what my husband is trying to say is, if you really want to test a marriage, open a restaurant together. Anyway, thank you for coming. Eat a lot and come back, 'cause our kids need braces. (Everyone laughs. Ian stands up.) Ian:Actually, as long as everyone has their glasses raised, I have something that I would like to say. Well, I thought of waiting for the perfect romantic spot in which to ask this question, but being here tonight, enveloped by so much love and warmth, I realize that, um, this is the perfect romantic spot. (He gets down on one knee.) Ian:Susan Mayer... (Julie leans over to Susan.) Julie:Drop the pizza. (Susan drops the pizza slice she had been holding.) Ian:Will you make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife? Susan:Absolutely, yes! (Everyone claps except for Mike, who's standing in the corner. Zach looks around at everyone clapping and stands up.) Zach:Ladies and gentlemen,please, I have something that I'd like to say also. Gabrielle Solis...will you marry me? (There's silence. One customer begins to clap, then stops.) Customer:Should I clap? Gabrielle:No, there will be no clapping! You, moron, come with me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital] Nurse:Time for your pills, Mr. Hodge. Orson:It's after six? I need to speak with my wife. What room is she in? Nurse:Your wife checked out. Orson:Already? Nurse:She was very eager to get home. Don't worry. She'll be fine. Orson:I have to talk to her. Nurse:Oh, that reminds me. Your mother called. She said she didn't want to wake you up, and she wanted to make sure we'd be keeping you overnight. Moms are like that, so protective. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (The phone rings at Bree's house while Gloria is still down in the kitchen. She lets the machine pick up.) Orson:Bree, it's me. Are you there? Please, pick up. Bree? Please, somebody, pick up the phone. (Gloria leaves the kitchen.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside the Scavo Restaurant] Zach:I know that you're mad. Gabrielle:I'm not mad, Zach. I'm done!
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Zach:But you said to be honest. Gabrielle:I did not say to humiliate me! Zach:I'm sorry. All right? I was just trying...what do you want from me? Gabrielle:I want you to leave me alone! This friends thing isn't gonna work 'cause you're always gonna want more, and I'm never gonna love you... ever. Zach:Twenty years from now when you're all middle-aged and alone, you'll regret this. Gabrielle:Okay, I'll take my chances. (Zach storms off. Carlos, who had been eavesdropping, comes outside and sits down next to Gabrielle. He hands her a beer.) Carlos:Thought you might need this. Gabrielle:Bless you. Carlos:So how did it go with Seabiscuit? Gabrielle:He's devastated. Carlos:Of course. Gabrielle:It's my fault. I should've known he couldn't handle the whole "let's be friends" thing. Carlos:I don't blame him. I'm having kind of a hard time myself being just your friend, Watching you with other guys, being your confidant. Gabrielle:Really? I think it's been nice. Carlos:For you, maybe. Look, seriously, I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to keep this up. Gabrielle:Well, hang in there as long as you can, 'cause I still need you. Carlos:I'll do my best. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the Scavo Restaurant] (Andrew sees Danielle eating sitting with her friends.) Andrew:What are you doing here? Danielle:I have better things to do than babysit Mom. She's fine. Gloria's watching her. Andrew:What? I told you Mom's ready to go to the cops about Orson. How could you leave her at home with his crazy mother? Danielle:She brought soup! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Gloria enters Bree's bedroom. Bree struggles to open her eyes.) Bree:Gloria? What are you doing here? Gloria:I came to take care of you. Bree:I'm so sleepy. Gloria:Good. Then the pills are working. Bree:Andrew? Danielle? Gloria:They're gone. It's just us. Now...you rest, hon. I'm gonna draw you a nice, warm bath. Oh, Bree...I wish I could make you understand how deeply I regret having to do this. Monique...that was easy. She was a slut. You're a good woman. You didn't know Orson already had a wife. But he did. And he made a vow to her before God. What sort of mother would I be if I let him break it? I'm sorry. But I will not let him be his father's son. (She gets up and goes to the end of the bed, where she strips off the blankets, then pulls Bree by the feet off the bed.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital]
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(A nurse walks into the room with a dinner tray.) Nurse:Wake up, Mr. Hodge. I've got dinner. (She pulls back the curtain to find Orson gone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Gloria struggles to put the unconscious Bree into the bathtub, which is running water.) Gloria:That water's not too hot, is it? No. Just right. (Squealing brakes can be heard. Gloria looks out the window and sees Andrew rushing up the front steps. Andrew enters the house.) Andrew:Mom? Are you all right? (He rushes up the stairs and when he gets to the top, Gloria steps out and hits him with her cane. He falls to the bottom of the stairs and lies there.) (Back in the bathroom, Gloria picks up a large knife and wraps Bree's fingers around it.) (Outside, a cab pulls up to the curb. Orson pays the driver, then rushes inside. He sees Andrew lying at the bottom of the stairs.) Orson:Andrew? (He sees that Andrew is alive and he goes upstairs. He sees Bree lying in the bathtub, unconscious and has a flashback to when he discovered his father dead in a bathtub.) (Gloria comes into the bathroom.) Orson:You've done this before, haven't you? (He rushes at her to grab the knife she's holding and they fight. She hits him with her cane and he falls down, so she grabs the knife and begins to cut Bree, but Orson stops her. He pushes her away and Gloria falls to the ground. With the water rising in the tub, Bree begins to sink down. Orson grabs her at the last minute and lifts her from the tub. As he places her gently on the bed, Andrew comes in.) Andrew:Is she all right? Orson:She will be. Get her some blankets and some dry clothes. (From the bathroom,they can hear Gloria calling. Orson goes into the bathroom and finds Gloria lying flat on her back.) Gloria:Orson? Orson! Something's wrong. I think I'm...having a stroke. Orson:You need an ambulance, mother. It's too bad there's no one here who'd dream of calling you one. (He picks her up.) Andrew:What are you doing? Orson:I don't want her dying in our house. (He carries Gloria across the street to Alma's house where he finds Alma lying dead on the ground.) (Back at Bree's house, Orson is sitting by Bree's bedside when Bree wakes up.) Orson:Hey there. Are you all right? Bree:Your mother...she tried to kill me. Orson:Don't worry about her. She's never gonna hurt you again, and neither will Alma. Bree:Alma? Orson:She's dead. Bree:What? Orson:I don't know what happened, but she's gone And she's taking our troubles with her. Tomorrow morning, one of our neighbors will stumble on a gruesome surprise. Two bodies side by side. The police will conclude that Alma fell from the roof, and when my mother found her, she suffered a stroke. When they search the house, they'll find the note Alma wrote when she faked her suicide, and next to it, a bag containing Monique's teeth. In the face of such evidence, they'll have no choice but to drop the charges against Mike Delfino. Now,
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you and I are gonna take that honeymoon we never got around to. Bree:I'd love that. What about your mother? After all the things she's done, she's just gonna get off scot-free? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital] (Orson goes to visit Gloria in the hospital. The doctor is in the room.) Orson:Thank you, doctor. I know you did all you could. (The doctor leaves.) Orson:Good news, mother. The doctor said your stroke has left you completely paralyzed. You can't even speak, which means all our secrets will be safe forever. Oh, here's the best part. Your brain is functioning normally. So I don't have to worry about putting you in jail. You're already there. Now, I'm gonna turn your head, so you can watch me walk away. You don't wanna miss it, 'cause it's the last time you will ever see me. (He turns Gloria's head to face the door and then he walks out.) Mary Alice Voiceover:A surprising thing happened to Orson Hodge as he'd left Fairview Memorial Hospital. His life began to flash before his eyes. But it wasn't his past he saw. It was his future. Ordinary suburban days, filled with ordinary suburban moments, each made beautiful because of the housewife by his side. Yes, Orson could finally envision a life free from secrets and pain. And he couldn't wait for it to begin. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Orson enters his house.) Orson:Honey, I'm home. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X16: My Husband, The Pig -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike's plan to propose to Susan... Ian:These things don't belong to Jane. Nurse:"Mike Delfino." Mary Alice Voiceover:...was a surprise to Ian. Mary Alice Voiceover:Monique was murdered... Gloria:There's been an accident. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Orson... Orson:Don't forget your wrench. Mary Alice Voiceover:...passed the blame. Mary Alice Voiceover:A connection was made. Edie:Ahem! Mary Alice Voiceover:A heart was broken, and Bree buried her husband Rex. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rex Voiceover:My name is Rex Van De Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less. Here's where I used to live...a whole lot nicer, don't you think? The place hasn't changed much since I left...as tasteful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect...at least on the surface. My family was the same way. Look at us. You'd never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that
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was the thing about us Van De Kamps. To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. Like my son Andrew...to look at him, you'd never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle...does she look like the kind of girl who'd seduce her middle-aged history teacher? I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em, but I'm pretty darn relieved to be dead. Here's the clown Bree replaced me with...Orson. I don't mind saying, he's creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried...and he should know. He buried them. But Bree thinks he's Sir Galahad. The kids like him. And all my friends...now, his friends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy. (Orson puts Bree in a cab and watches as it drives off. Mike walks up to him.) Orson:Mike,you,uh,you just missed Bree.She's off to see her folks, and then we're finally taking our honeymoon. Mike:Yeah, not a bad time for you to leave town, is it? Orson:Well, I don't follow you. Mike:I just keep thinking about that night at Monique's place... how you made sure I left with my wrench, the one with her blood on it. Orson:Well, it was your wrench. Why are you rehashing this? My ex-wife confessed in her suicide note. The case is closed. Mike:Maybe it shouldn't be. What do you think the police would say if they knew you were there that night? Orson:What do you think they'd say if they knew you threw me off a roof? Oh, Mike. We could make so much trouble for each other, or we can forget what we think we know and be good neighbors. Your call. (He holds out his hand for Mike to shake it. After a hesitation, Mike shakes Orson's hand.) Rex Voiceover:No, Orson Hodge isn't exactly the guy I'd have picked to head my family, but I'll give him one thing...he's got the smile down cold. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rex Voiceover:Take a drive down any street in suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? Desperate women. That's right...one unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable...in her own unique way. But I don't want to talk about them. No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy when that special lady in his life starts to lose it. Like my friend Carlos. He used to have it all...hot wife, tons of dough, then bam! She gets a divorce, and he gets stuck with the bill. But does he sit around and complain like your average hausfrau? No, Sir. He finds creative ways to get what you can out of life. [Mike's house] (Carlos is looking at a singles ad on his laptop. Mike comes down the stairs and Carlos closes the laptop.) Carlos:Hey, bro! Where you off to? Mike:Oh, the hospital called. They found the stuff I had on me the night of the accident. Carlos:Wow. Coma, murder rap...you've had a tough year, buddy. You know what you need? Some pampering. Tomorrow you're checking in to a nice hotel. Room service, jacuzzi, my treat. Mike:You trying to get me out of the house? Carlos:Mike, why would I...okay, there's this girl. Mike:I knew it. Carlos:Dude, she's a dancer, and if her online profile's any indication, she's a complete freak. We're talking serious daddy issues. Mike:Look, I'll stay in my room. You'll never hear me. Carlos:Yeah, but you'll hear me. I'm kind of exuberant by nature, and when I haven't had it in a while, I kind of do this shrieking thing that, I mean, it is kinda...
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Mike:Okay, I'll go. Just stop talking. Carlos:Thanks, pal! I wouldn't want it to put a weird spin on our friendship. Mike:Too late. (Mike leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom is lying in bed, sleeping.) Rex Voiceover:This is my friend Tom. Have you heard what he's been up to lately? The silly bastard opened up his own pizza place. He thought that if he was his own boss, he could sleep in as late as he wanted, but the problem with that logic is that married guys... (Lynette wakes him up.) Lynette:Hey. It's after nine. Come on, Thomasina, it's time to get up. Rex ...are never their own boss. Tom:Are you as tired as I am? Lynette:More, but I'm tougher, and I complain less. Tom:Not when you give birth, and you do that a lot. Lynette:Yeah? (She hits him.) Tom:Ow! Lynette:Before I forget, you got a call from Chez Nous confirming your reservation for our anniversary. Tom:You heard that? I wanted that to be a surprise. Lynette:Well, we've been going there for the last seven years. It's not exactly a surprise. Anyway, I hope you don't mind, but I canceled. Tom:You canceled? Why? Lynette:Honestly, I just don't feel up to going out this year. Tom:But it's our anniversary. It's our ninth anniversary. Come on. The "big nine." That's a year longer than my mom said we would be married. Come on. We gotta party down. Lynette:I'm exhausted. Honestly, all I wanna do is pawn the kids off on somebody else, take a long bath and be in bed by eight. Tom:Okay. Lynette:Oh, thank you.Thank you, thank you. (She pats his cheeks.) Tom:Hold it. What about my sex? I always get sex on our anniversary. Lynette:We can still have sex. Just try not to wake me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Ian walks up the sidewalk to Susan's house.) Rex Voiceover:This is Ian. Don't really know the guy, but Susan Mayer seems to like him. The other night, he surprised her with a proposal. She said yes, but he's still a little skittish about the competition. But Ian knows that if love is war... (Ian enters the house. Susan is drinking coffee at the kitchen table.) Susan:Hey. Where were you off to so early this morning? Rex Voiceover: ...sometimes you gotta bring out the big artillery. Ian:I should have had it when I proposed. It's not very good form, I know. (He opens up a ring box with an engagement ring inside.) Susan:Ian, oh, you can't be serious. Oh, oh, that's just...too much. It's huge.
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Ian:Well, we could go smaller. Susan:Oh, no. No one's saying smaller. No, that's crazy talk. Rock me. (She holds out her hand for Ian to put the ring on it, which he does.) Susan:Oh! Oh, my! Oh, it's so beautiful! (It falls off her hand and rolls underneath the table.) Susan:Oh! Oh! Oh, okay, nobody move. I got it. Ian:I knew I should have measured your finger. Susan:No, it's okay. I can get it resized. Ian:You should go to the jeweler's right now, and when you get back, we can go and look at some places for the reception. Susan:Reception? Ian:Yes, I was hoping we could pull this together for next month. Susan:What's the rush? Am I pregnant? Ian:Of course not. I just... well, I just can't wait to be married to you. Susan:Are you sure? 'Cause you seem a little anxious. Ian:What would I have to be anxious about? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Mike is picking up his items from the hospital. A nurse comes over with a clipboard.) Nurse:Again, sorry for the mix-up. If you could just sign right here... (Mike holds up the ring box with the ring in it.) Mike:I don't remember this. You sure that's mine? Nurse:It was on you the night you were admitted. Mike:I got hit by a car. I don't remember anything about that night. Nurse:Well, it looks like you were gonna propose to someone. (She reads the inscription on the band.) Nurse:"Susan, be mine forever. Mike." Does that ring a bell? Mike:It sure does. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Edie knocks on the front door. Carlos answers it.) Edie:Hey, Carlos. Carlos:Hi. Edie:I have a little visitor that I thought you might get a kick out of seeing. Remember my little boy? (A young boy is standing next to Edie. He's wearing a school backpack and holding a basketball.) Carlos:Hey, Travers. How you doing? Put her there. (They high-five.) Carlos:I'm Carlos Solis. I think you came by my house one time trick-or-treating. Edie:I remember. You gave me a protein bar. Carlos:Right. Sorry. My wife forgot to buy candy. Edie:Hey, is that football I hear? Go on. Check it out. (Travers goes inside and sits down in front of the TV.) Carlos:I didn't know your son was coming for a visit. Edie:Neither did I. His, uh, father just dumped him here for four weeks so he could jet off with his doctors without borders buddies and fix cleft palates in Kenya. Selfish son of a bi*ch. Carlos:Oh, come on. I mean, you barely even see him. It'll be fun...a chance to bond.
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Edie:Yeah, that's true, but, um...I have this major party tonight, and I was wondering if maybe you could just keep an eye on him for a few hours. Carlos:Sorry. I can't tonight. Edie:Oh! Come on! You love kids. I mean, didn't you rent that Chinese chick so that you could have one of your own? Carlos:I have a date, too, with a chick so hot I had to turn off the smoke alarms in my house. Edie:Fine. Travers, come on. Let's go. This isn't a child-friendly house. Carlos:Bye, Travers. It's good to see you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside a store] (A distinguished gentleman and his driver walk towards their car. They see Gabrielle walking towards her car.) Driver:Wow, she's a looker. Gentleman:I'll say. Hey, what time's that fund-raiser? Driver:You got an hour. Gentleman:Well, then...let's have a little fun. (As Gabrielle backs out of her car, the gentleman's car backs into hers.) Gabrielle:Look what you did! Gentleman:Don't yell at me. I'm just a passenger. Gabrielle:Well, your driver's an idiot! Gentleman:Hey, it's not Clyde's fault. I mean, what man wouldn't be distracted by such beauty? Gabrielle:Now you're hitting on me? Gentleman:I was talking about the car. Gabrielle:Well, good. I'm glad you like it, 'cause you're gonna pay to fix this. Gentleman:Of course. Five thousand cover it? Gabrielle:Five? Well, sure, I guess. Gentleman:I'd rather not file an insurance claim.My opponent could find out and try to make me look bad. Gabrielle:Opponent? Gentleman:Oh, well, I guess you don't read the papers. I'm running for mayor. My name's Victor Lang, and I hope I can count on your vote. (Gabrielle takes the check.) Gabrielle:I think I'd rather vote for the other guy...you know, the one who didn't wreck my car? (She gets into her car and drives off.) Clyde:Oh, you're off your game. You didn't even get a phone number. Victor:Oh, don't worry. I'll be seeing her again. Clyde:How can you be so sure? Victor:I didn't sign the check. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Automatic Car Wash] (Julie pulls her car into the automatic car wash. Right before it goes underneath the water, Austin runs up and gets in the car.) Julie:What the hell are you doing? Austin:We need to talk. Julie:No, we don't. Get out. Austin:Please. You won't return my calls. Julie:Well, I've been busy. Plus, my Mom caught you naked on top of my friend.
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Austin:Just read this, and if you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll never bother you again. (He hands her a folded sheet of paper.) Julie:Fine, I'll read it, but only if you get out of the car right now. Austin:Now? But the...the hot wax is starting. Julie:I know. Tick-tock. Austin:Uh...Aah! (He gets out of the car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Andrew bangs on the bathroom door.) Andrew:You're still in there? How long does it take to pluck that unibrow? Danielle:Leave me alone! Andrew:Danielle,I have to be at work in ten minutes.Now can I please just come in and brush my teeth? Danielle:I'm having a really bad day, all right? Just go away! Andrew:I'm gonna have a really bad day, too. I tend not to get tipped when my breath stinks. (She opens the door.) Danielle:I'm pregnant. (She closes the door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Jeweler's] (Mike is waiting by the ring counter when Susan walks in and stands next to him.) Susan:Mike, what are you doing here? Mike:Oh, hey, um, I'm just selling some old jewelry. (A young woman who works there comes over to Mike.) Woman:I spoke to my manager. There's gonna be a charge to remove the inscription, but, uh, we can refund you for the engagement ring. Mike:That'll be fine. Susan:Was that the ring that you bought for... Mike:Yeah. Woman:Can I help you? Susan:Uh, yeah, I, uh, have to get this sized. It's...it's a little loose. Woman:Do you know your size? Susan:No. Mike:Congratulations, by the way. Ian...seems great. Susan:Thanks. Woman:I can't find my sizer. Um, here. Try this one. Susan:Oh, no, th... Woman:How's that fit? Susan:It's perfect. (She stands there staring at the ring on her finger.) Woman:Great. Can I have it back now? Susan:Oh! Oh, s-sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's house] (Carlos is mowing the lawn when Tom comes over to him.) Tom:Hey, you've got a cousin in the limo business, don't you?
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Carlos:Actually,I've got a cousin in the "limo as a front for prostitution" business.He's in jail.Why do you ask? Tom:Oh, I'm, uh, I'm just planning a big thing for my anniversary. Carlos:Aren't you just gonna go to Chez Boring, like you do every year? Tom:No. Lynette's so over that, she was ready to bag the whole night, so got me thinking. Nine years...time to shake things up. Now I'm planning the greatest anniversary of all time. Check this out. Lynette's gonna open the door to find a limo driver with a dozen roses and a card. The card is gonna tell her to go with the guy, not ask any questions. He'll drive her out to the country. He'll drop her off, then drive away. Just as she is starting to freak out, I show up in a horse-drawn carriage, which takes us up to Whitman's Bluff, where we eat a catered dinner, listen to a professional violinist. Afterwards, when we come home, I'm sure Lynette will think of a way to thank me. Carlos:You're one romantic son of a bi*ch. Tom:Wh-hoo! I have my moments. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's office] (Victor is speaking with a reporter.) Victor:Of course I'm not questioning Mayor Johnson's family values. I'm sure they're what prompted him to put his sisters, brother-in-law and six of his cousins on the city payroll. (Gabrielle stands in the doorway.) Victor:Now, uh, if you'll excuse me, I have to cut this interview short. I have some very important business to attend to. (The reporter leaves and Gabrielle comes in.) Victor:Ms. Solis, what a nice surprise. Are you here to make a contribution to my campaign? Gabrielle:Not exactly. (She pulls out the check he gave her and hands it over.) Victor:Oh, no. Did I forget to s...I'm so sorry. Let me make it up to you. I'll take you to dinner. My treat. Gabrielle:It would be your treat. I'm a hot date. What's in it for me? Victor:Well, I have, uh, "an ingratiating wit, trustworthy smile," according to the "Plainview Herald." Gabrielle:Yeah. Check, please. Victor:My family also owns Lang Enterprises. Dad's worth a...few hundred mil. Gabrielle:Well, a girl's gotta eat. Victor:Great. I'll take you to Cucina. There's no place harder to get into. Gabrielle:That's what you think. (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Mike hands Ian a check for $8,500.) Ian:Mike, this is completely unnecessary. My paying for your lawyer was a favor. It wasn't a loan. Mike:I-I appreciate it, but I just don't like to owe anybody. Ian:Well, I-I just don't want you to have any trouble getting back on your feet. Mike:No, it's fine.I had a windfall.The hospital gave me back an engagement ring I didn't even know I had. Ian:Oh, really? So you sold it? You should have kept it till the right girl comes along. Mike:Well, I...couldn't give this ring to just anyone. Ian:Oh, right, the, um, the inscription. Mike:How'd you know it was inscribed? Ian:Well, I-isn't that the custom? Uh, I just assumed it was. Well, uh, listen, I-I've got to get some fresh rags. Uh, thanks for the check. I'll see you around.
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Mike:Oh, you can count on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Austin and Danielle are talking.) Austin:Are you sure? Danielle:Yes.I peed on five different sticks.Would you put that burrito away?It's making me nauseous. Austin:Join the club. Look, I-I know your parents are religious, but I know this clinic. Danielle:Absolutely not! Austin:So what other choice do we have? Danielle:Well, gee, you could, like, uh, marry me? Austin:Marry you?! I can't stand you. Danielle:Oh, nice way to talk to the mother of your child! Oh, God. Bathroom. (She rushes off. Julie comes in the house.) Julie:Hey. Austin:Julie. Hi. Uh, hey. Julie:Your door was open. Can I come in? Austin:Uh, wh-what are you doing here? Julie:I read your letter. I had no idea it would be so sweet. I could really tell it came from your heart. I'm embarrassed to admit, I...cried. (Retching is heard in the background.) Austin:Uh, my Aunt Edie sort of tied one on last night. Julie:Oh. Anyway, I-I guess what I'm saying is...Okay. Austin:Okay? Uh... Julie:We can try again. Austin:Julie, that's great! And I want to talk about this, uh, but I just kinda need to take care of my aunt. Can I call you tomorrow? Julie:Sure. Oh, we're gonna have to take things slow, 'cause it'll be a while before I can trust you again. Austin:I understand. (Julie leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Victor and Gabrielle are sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant. A waiter takes their plates.) Victor:Thank you, Bruno. The veal was excellent. Feel like dessert? Gabrielle:No, thank you. I'm stuffed. Victor:Then let me propose a toast.To a delightful evening,and to the happy accident that brought us together. Gabrielle:Victor, you are so full of crap. Victor:What? Gabrielle:There was no accident. I know you told your chauffeur to ram my car. Victor:Why would I do that? Gabrielle:Uh,for the same reason you forgot to sign the check.You've been working me since the second we met,and I've been on to you every step of the way.What?What's so funny?I just called you a manipulative jerk. Victor:I think I underestimated you. I also think this relationship just got a lot more interesting. Gabrielle:There is no relationship. This is our last date. Victor:You didn't have any fun? Gabrielle:It was okay. You know, you told a few good jokes. You're sorta charming. You're not bad-looking. I
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just think I can do better. Victor:Have you not noticed? I'm a catch. Gabrielle:I have noticed, and I'm throwing you back. Victor:Gaby, let me tell you something. For my whole life, whenever I've truly wanted something, I've always gotten it. And tonight, right around the time you were calling me a manipulative jerk, I decided I truly want... you. So brace yourself. The chase is on. Gabrielle:You can chase me all you want, but trust me, I'm way too fast for you. (She gets up and walks out of the restaurant. Bruno comes back with the check.) Victor:Bruno...I'm gonna marry that girl. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Carlos and the woman from the online ad are kissing.) Carlos:Can I just say something? You are way hotter than your online profile. Woman:So many guys say that. Carlos:Mmm. (Carlos hears a noise.) Woman:What's wrong? (He looks out the window and sees Travers bouncing his basketball outside.) Carlos:Oh, my friend's kid is out there. Woman:Oh. Hey, I got an idea. Let's go upstairs. I should warn you... my therapist says I'm sexually compulsive. This could take hours. Carlos:Whatever your issues are, we will work them out together. (He still hears the noise from outside.) Carlos:It's almost eleven. What is he doing out there by himself? Woman:I'm sure his folks know he's out there. Now relax. Carlos:I'm so sorry. I will be right back. I promise. (He goes outside.) Carlos:Hey, Travers, what are you doing out here? Where's your mom? Travers:She had to go visit a sick friend. Carlos:Come on. (Inside the house...) Woman:No way. I didn't come over here to babysit some little brat. Carlos:Shh. He can hear you. Woman:I don't care. Carlos:Look, his mother's bound to be home soon, all right? Then we can pick up where we left off. Woman:Forget it. I'm officially no longer in the mood. (The woman leaves. Travers comes over, eating ice cream.) Travers:Sorry I ruined your date. Carlos:That's okay. She was a very bad lady who wanted to do very, very bad things to me. (Later that night, Edie gets out of a car in front of her house.) Edie:Night, Raoul. (She walks up to her front door and sees a note on there that reads that Carlos has Travers. She goes over to Mike's and knocks on the door. Carlos answers.) Carlos:Where the hell have you been? Edie:Oh, I, uh...ducked out... just for an hour. Carlos:That's funny, 'cause I found Travers wandering the streets three hours ago.
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Edie:Look, he was fine when I left. I just didn't know he'd go outside. Carlos:Yeah, you never know what an eight-year-old's gonna do. That's why you supervise him. Edie:Hey, you don't get to judge me. You don't have a kid. Carlos:Well, if I did, I'd treat him a hell of a lot better than you do. And thank God he lives with his father. I mean, come on. What kind of mother are you? Edie:If you are done lecturing me, I would like my son now. Carlos:He's asleep. Come and get him in the morning...when you're sober. (He closes the door.) (The next morning, Edie goes back over to Mike's house and knocks on the door. Carlos stares at her for a few seconds, then calls up the stairs.) Carlos:Hey, buddy! Your mom's here for ya. Edie:I know you think I'm a terrible person. Carlos:I never said that. Edie:Terrible mother, terrible person...it's the same thing. Because no matter what else she does, if a woman isn't a good mother, she's a failure, right? Look, um...when I had Travers, I, uh, I knew I was in over my head, and when Charles and I split, I...I gave him custody. Because I wanted my son to have the best life possible. And that doesn't make me a good mother, but...I like to think it makes me a realistic one. (Travers comes down the stairs.) Travers:Hey, Mom. Edie:Hey, champ. Travers:I missed you. Edie:Oh, I missed you, too. Guess what? I've got so many fun things for you to do today. Travers:Cool. Edie:Yeah. Travers:Thanks for the ice cream. Carlos:My pleasure. I'll see you, little man. Hey. Travers said he's, uh, staying at least a month. Edie:Yeah. Carlos:So if you ever need a babysitter, just yell. Edie:I appreciate that. Hey! Wait for me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Tom is on the phone.) Tom:No, I don't want a viola player. I asked for a violinist. I don't even know what a viola is. Oh, it's just a big violin? Okay. Yeah, sure. Okay, I'll see you at eight. (Lynette comes up behind him.) Lynette:What was that? Tom:It's...just a little surprise, okay? Let it go. Lynette:Let it go...that's cute. Start talkin'. Tom:I planned a little something for our anniversary. That is all I'm gonna say. Lynette:Okay. Okay. Okay. If we're doing this, I need to buy you something. What do you want? Tom:You don't have to buy me anything. Lynette:Well, you didn't have to plan anything, but you did, even though we had an agreement. You like ties? You're getting a tie. Tom:What are you getting so upset about? Lynette:I have been dragging my ass all day, and the only thought that's kept me going is the hot bath, and now I have do my hair and shave my legs.
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Tom:So what do you want to do, Lynette? Just tell me what you want. Lynette:I told you what I want. Hot bath, bed early, but you chose not to listen. Tom:Well, okay, I guess I can just cancel the whole thing. You can have your dream evening alone, and I'll get up a poker game or something. Lynette:Thank you. Tom:Hey. You know what? I've been dragging my ass all day, too, and you know what got me through it? The idea of doing something special with you. Happy anniversary. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Danielle and Andrew are sitting on the couch. Orson comes downstairs with luggage.) Orson:All right. I'm off to join your mother. The hotel number's on the fridge in case there's a problem. Bree said her cell phone isn't getting good reception. Andrew:Uh, actually, we...we kinda already have a problem. Orson:Well, I'm already late for my flight. Can this wait a few weeks till we're back? Andrew:Yeah, this could wait a few weeks. Orson:Oh, good. Andrew:I mean, heck, this particular problem could wait...nine months. Orson:Good Lord. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette comes into the kitchen, wrapped in her bathrobe. Mrs. McCluskey is playing cards with the kids.) Mrs. McCluskey:How was your bath? Lynette:Oh, I couldn't relax. I just kept replaying the fight I had with Tom in my head. Mrs. McCluskey:Well, at least your husband tries to be romantic. Every anniversary, Gilbert bought me an appliance. The last one, he gave me a vacuum cleaner. He died two weeks later. I didn't cry. Lynette:Wow. (The doorbell rings.) Lynette:Who could that be? Here. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] (Austin is sitting on the couch while Andrew and Danielle occupy the chairs opposite the couch. Orson stands.) Orson:All right. Here's what we're thinking. Clearly, the idea of the two of you getting married is ridiculous. Austin:So what do you want me to do? Orson:Glad you asked. Bree and I have decided that Danielle will join us on our honeymoon. When we return, we'll tell our friends she's decided to study abroad. Once the baby is born and adopted by a suitable family, she'll come home. Austin:What about me? Orson:You leave. Austin:Leave? Orson:Get out of Fairview and don't tell a soul why, not even your aunt. Austin:I can't do that. Orson:Why not? Austin:Because I've got responsibilities here. People are counting on me. Orson:Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before you impregnated my stepdaughter. Austin:I said I'm not leaving!
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Andrew:Oh, easy there, turbo. Uh...we'll be right back. (Andrew and Austin go into the kitchen.) Andrew:So who exactly is counting on you? Hmm? Julie Mayer, maybe? Austin:She gave me another chance. I can't leave if I've still got a shot with her. Andrew:And what's gonna happen when Julie finds out you knocked up my sister? Austin:Didn't your stepdad just say no one's gonna find out about that? Andrew:Okay. Try this. Julie's a nice girl, and you, well...you're a dog. No knock. I'm a dog lover myself, but Julie deserves better. You know you'll just end up cheating on her. Austin:No, I won't hurt her again. Andrew:Sure you will. Not right away. Maybe you'll hold out for six months, but then it'll hurt her even more. Am I wrong? You just have to ask yourself if you can be the kind of guy she needs you to be. If you can't...walk away. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Tom, Carlos, and Orson are setting up the poker game.) Tom:Beer is on the house, guys. Drink fast, get stupid, lose money. (Mike comes in.) Tom:Mike! Mike:Hey. Tom:How's it going, buddy? Hey, you know, uh, Orson, right? Mike:Oh, yeah. Orson:Hey, neighbor. Tom:Hey, so let's get started, huh? Five-card stud? Two dollar ante? (Ian comes in.) Ian:Good evening, gentlemen. Tom:Ian! Mike:Hey... Ian. Ian:Nice to see you, Mike. Carlos:What is fish-and-chips doing here? Tom:Susan asked me to include him. Said he always wanted to learn how to play poker. So we're going to give him some very expensive lessons. Mike:Be careful. He already knows how to bluff. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Julie is going from her car to the house when Austin comes up.) Austin:Hey. Julie:Hey. How's it going? Austin:Good. Good, uh...just wanted to tell you, I have to leave town for a while. Julie:Really? Is something wrong? Austin:No, no, no.It's just family stuff. I don't know exactly when I'll be back.It could be a while, though. Julie:Oh. Okay. Austin:I just want you to know that...it means a lot that you were willing to give me a second chance. You're, like, the only person that's ever done that. Julie:Austin...what's going on? Austin:Nothing, uh, it's just...I have to go. Good-bye, Julie. Julie:Austin!
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(He stops and she runs up to him and kisses him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (The men are playing poker.) Ian:I'll raise you. Tom:Mm. Out. Mike:Ah, another courageous move for "foldilocks." All right. I'll call you. Flush, king high. Ian:Full house, sevenss and knaves. Carlos:Jacks. We call them jacks. Mike:Boy, this is your lucky room. Orson:Yes, I heard about your engagement the other night. Congratulations. Mike:Yeah, about that, Ian, was that, uh, proposal spontaneous, or did you have it all planned? Ian:Oh, it was entirely planned. I thought it would be the ideal occasion. Mike:Wow. Well, if it was planned, why didn't you have a ring? Ian:Well, I thought Susan might like to choose the ring herself. Tom:Ante up, boys. Mike:So why'd she pick a ring that was too big for her? Ian:How did you know that? Tom:Guys, guys, guys, guys, we came here to play cards. Why are we talking about jewelry? Mike:Sorry, Tom, but I just found out I bought a ring for Susan myself. It was in my pocket that night some son of a bi*ch ran me over. Orson:Hey, Tom's right. We should focus on the game. Mike:After our talk, I called the hospital. They said my ring got in with your wife's stuff. So you saw it before I did...the same day you proposed to Susan. Ian:And your point is? Mike:That that's why you were in such a big hurry. You wanted to seal the deal before I found out about the ring and told her. Ian:Do you think I'm afraid of you? Mike:Maybe you should be. What do you think Susan would say if she found out why your proposal was so spontaneous? Tom:Guys, can we just play? Ian:I'm trying. Mike:Fine. Deal. (Tom's phone rings. He answers it.) Tom:Hello? Lamar:Mr. Scavo, it's Lamar from the limo service. Uh, I got a flat, so I might be late picking up you and your wife. Tom:What are you talking about? I-I-I canceled you. Lamar:No, you didn't. Tom:Yes, I did. I left you a message. Lamar:Oh, I must have missed it. Anyway, I dropped your wife off, right where you told me. Tom:Oh, God. When? Lamar:About two hours ago. (Tom hangs up the phone and puts on his jacket.) Tom:Guys, um, lock up when you're done. (He leaves.)
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Ian:I'll open. Orson:I'm out. Mike:And I'll raise you. (Mike puts a stack of chips in the middle of the table.) Orson:You want a beer? Carlos:Hell, Tom's gone. Let's go open up the good stuff. (Orson and Carlos leave the table.) Ian:Well...looks like it's just you and me, if you're still in. Mike:With this hand? You bet I am. I'll re-raise. Ian:And raise again. Mike:Your stack's looking kinda small. Ian:Will you take a check? (He pulls out the check Mike had written him earlier and places it on top of the stack of chips in the middle of the table.) Mike:You know I can't match that. Ian:How about this, then? You win, you keep the money, and you tell Susan whatever you want. I win, you keep your mouth shut about the ring, and you leave me and Susan alone. (Mike looks at his cards: three kings and two queens.) Mike:Deal. (Later, a man walks up to Susan's doorway. She opens the door as he climbs the steps to her porch.) Susan:How was the game? (The man is Ian.) Ian:I won. (They hug.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Empty road - nighttime] (Lynette is walking, shivering, down the empty road, wearing her fancy dress and holding roses. Tom pulls up next to her in his car.) Tom:Lynette, I am so sorry. I am so sorry! You see, there was supposed to be a horse-drawn carriage and... (She throws the flowers at him.) Tom:Oh, good. You got the flowers. (She gets in the car.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[DINER] (Lynette and Tom enter the diner and sit at the counter. A waitress approaches.) Waitress:Coffee? Tom:Yes, please. (The waitress looks at Lynette.) Tom:Yeah, she...she likes coffee, too. Thanks. (The waitress leaves.) Tom:I'm really, really, really sorry. Lynette:Please stop apologizing. Tom:I'm s... Lynette:I appreciate what you were trying to do. It was a lovely thought that just went hideously, hideously, hideously wrong. Tom:Wait till the kids find out that you saw a real coyote.
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Lynette:Hideously. Tom:Well, I learned my lesson. Never again. No more surprises. From now on, I'll do exactly what you say. (Their coffees arrive and they each wrap their hands around their respective mugs.) Lynette:Oh, don't you dare. Tom:What? Lynette:I had a lot of time to think tonight, and I realized you were right. We have to keep the romance going, no matter how tired we are. The only thing worse than just going through the motions is not bothering to go through the motions. Tom:So you want me to surprise you next year? Lynette:Knock yourself out. Tom:Just wait, 'cause I will think of something even better. Lynette:Well, after this year, I would be happy with any date that included food and shelter. (Tom lifts his coffee mug for a toast.) Tom:Nine years. Lynette:Nine years...and I have loved every minute of it. Tom:Me, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - nighttime] Rex Voiceover:Take a drive down any street in Suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? A bunch of guys wearing the same expression. It's a look that says, "Oh, crap. My dreams are never gonna come true. I'll never have a life free from scandal. I'll never have a son of my own. I'll never hold her in my arms again. I'll never get to tell her how I feel." Yeah, the suburbs are filledwith a lot of men who have given up hope. Of course, every once in a while you do come across some lucky SOB whose dreams have all come true. You know how you spot them? They're the ones who can't stop smiling. Don't you just hate those guys? ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X17: Dress Big -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives... Tom:My back.I threw it out. Lynette:Jeez,are you crying? Tom:Just a little. Mary Alice Voiceover:Edie got an unexpected visitor. Edie:Remember my little boy? Carlos:I didn't know your son was coming for a visit. Edie:His father just dumped him here for four weeks. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gaby became the object of Victor's desire. Victor:Have you not noticed? I'm a catch. Gabrielle:I have noticed,and I'm throwing you back. Mary Alice Voiceover:And as Mike struggled to recall his past,Ian's jealousy spurred him to action. Ian:Will you be my wife? Susan:Yes!
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Susan and Ian are standing outside Susan's house. Susan is holding a single red rose.) Susan:God, I'm so nervous. Ian:Don't be. They're going to adore you as much as I do. Susan:Oh, thanks. I needed to hear to that. (She throws her arms around him to hug him. The rose stem brushes against Ian's neck.) Ian:Darling... thorns. Susan:I'm so sorry. Mary Alice Voiceover:If there was one thing Ian Hainsworth was sure of, it was that his love for Susan Mayer was indestructible. He knew this because it had been tested again...and again...and again. Still, Ian had found a way to forgive Susan her...occasional lack of grace. (A black car drives down the street.) Susan:Here they come. Mary Alice Voiceover:The question now on his mind was, would his parents be able to do the same? (Ian's parents get out of the car. Ian hugs them.) Ian:Father. Graham:My dear boy. Ian:This is my fiance Susan. These are my parents, Graham and Dahlia. Dahlia:Delighted. Graham:You weren't exaggerating. She's a vision, Ian. Susan:It's so great to finally meet both of you. Oh, this is for you. Ian:Be careful, mother! Thorns. Dahlia:Ian, I know how to hold a rose. Ian:Yes, of course. I just didn't want Susan to...you're right. Sorry. Susan:Anyone hungry? Ian:Yes. (Later, the four of them are in Susan's back yard, where she's pouring charcoal into a barbeque.) Graham:So, one puts the meat atop the burning coals. How wonderfully primal. Dahlia:Yes, I'll feel like some gloriously rough-hewn cowgirl enjoying her...uh, what's the word? Graham:Vittles? Dahlia:No, that can't be right. Susan:No, it is. It's vittles. So, can I get you something to drink? Dahlia:I'd adore just a thimble of gin. (Susan starts to put down the charcoal.) Ian:Oh, no, you stay, darling. I can manage. (Ian and Graham go inside the house.) Ian:Well, it seems to be going rather well...touch wood. Graham:Were you worried? Ian:Oh, you know, introducing one's fiance to one's parents is always a bit fraught. Graham:Oh, well, you don't have to tell me. The first time I met Dahlia's parents was a complete disaster. (Behind the men, in the backyard, Susan lights the barbeque on fire and Dahlia, who was standing too close, suddenly gets her arm set on fire. Susan tosses some water on her, then, when that doesn't put out the flames, grabs a tablecloth and wraps it around Dahlia.) Graham:We were at tea, and there was this plate of small cakes. And as I offered one to her mother, I tipped the plate, and plop! A scone fell right into her ladyship's teacup. Earl grey everywhere! On the cloth, her
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mother's skirt... Ian:You must have been mortified. Graham:I was. It was an absolute debacle. (Dahlia and Susan come inside. Dahlia's entire right side has soot on it and her sleeve has been burned away.) Susan:Um, guys? Don't worry. She's all right. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Ian Hainsworth knew his love for Susan was indestructible. Unfortunately for his mother, chiffon was not. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:In every housewife's closet, there's a treasured article of clothing that she refuses to part with. It might be an old cheerleader uniform that symbolizes her youth. Or the last bikini she wore before she had children. Or a pair of expensive pants she prays will come back in style. But for Gabrielle Solis,every piece of clothing was a treasure.Carefully selected,beautifully maintained,and utterly...irreplaceable. (In Gabrielle's closet, a small water leak drips onto some of the clothes. Suddenly, the entire ceiling above the closet caves in, drenching everything in water.) [Outside Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle and Edie remove shopping bags from Gabrielle's trunk.) Gabrielle:I can't believe you bought another bustier. Edie:I know. I should never shop for lingerie when I'm horny. It's like buying groceries when you're hungry. Gabrielle:In a slump, huh? How long's it been? Edie:About three weeks, and I am dying. You know, I'm this close to seducing my gardener. Gabrielle:Been there, done that. Edie:Mmm, that scrumptious teenager of yours. Hey, do you think... Gabrielle:He's married. Edie:Damn. How about that Victor Lang? Have you two... Gabrielle:No. God, no. As a matter of fact, I think I'm dumping him after dinner tonight. Edie:Why? He's rich. He's gorgeous. He's probably gonna be mayor. I mean, what more do you want? Gabrielle:I don't know. He's just too arrogant. He acts like I'm some trophy he's already won. It's infuriating. Edie:Yeah, that's awful. Can I do him? Gabrielle:Oh, stop it. You cannot be that hard up. Edie:Did I mention my gardener's sixty-two? (They enter Gabrielle's house. A small water leak is dripping from the ceiling onto the carpet in the front of the house.) Gabrielle:What the hell is this? (Gabrielle runs upstairs and sees the mess that used to be her closet.) Gabrielle:Oh, my God! (Downstairs, Edie reapplies her lipstick.) Gabrielle:No! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette enters the restaurant and says hi to the employees she passes by. She's the only employee not wearing an orange work T-shirt.) Tom:Honey? Where's your uniform? Lynette:Oh, crap. I left it at home again.
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Tom:Yeah, um, I figured you would...again. That's why... I pulled an extra one from the back. Lynette:Thanks. Are you sure it's the right... Tom:Yep, your size. Lynette:Listen...I was thinking, wouldn't it be better if the staff wore a uniform, and you and I wore regular clothes? That way it's like, "Hi. Welcome to Scavo's. We're the Scavos." Tom:Yeah, but I like wearing the uniform, and when you don't, Ii looks like we all work for you. Lynette:Oh, good point. Okay, here's another good point: I hate orange. Tom:Since when? Lynette:Since always. You know my closet. Surely you've noticed I don't own anything orange. Tom:No, I hadn't really... Lynette:Orange says, "Beware. Something bad's gonna happen." That's why they use it for life vests and traffic cones and convicts. Also, it washes me out completely. Tom:You're wearing the uniform. Lynette:Are you speaking as my husband or as my boss? Tom:Definitely your boss. Your husband...too damn scared of you. (He walks away.) Lynette:As well he should be. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] (Edie walks slowly down the block to her house.) Mary Alice Voiceover:As Edie walked home, all she could think of was her nonexistent love life... (As she approaches her house, she sees her son and Carlos playing basketball.) Travers:Pass it to me, Carlos! Mary Alice Voiceover:...and how much she wanted back in the game. (Carlos removes his shirt to wipe the sweat from his body.) Mary Alice:It was just then she saw someone she might like to play with. Edie:Hi! Carlos:Hey. Did you see that, Edie? Kid's looking good, huh? Edie:Looking real good. Travers:Can we play another game? Edie:No, it's lunchtime. You go wash up. Travers:Bye, Carlos. Carlos:Bye. Edie:Oh, you have been so great with Travers. Let me take you out for steak tonight. Carlos:You don't have to pay me back. I'm having more fun than he is. Edie:Well, then...we'll just have to arrange for another playdate. Carlos:Anytime. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Dahlia comes to the table where Graham, Ian, and Susan are getting ready to eat Chinese take-out.) Graham:Look who's back. Dahlia:Yes. Let's try this again, shall we? Susan:Dahlia, I am so sorry about the... Dahlia:Please, not another word. Chiffon at a barbecue? I was asking to be immolated. Ian:A drink with dinner, mother? Dahlia:Oh, God, yes.
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(She starts to sit down.) Susan:Oh, not that chair. That's the wobbler. I'm saving up for a new set. Here, sit here. Dahlia:Ian tells us you have a young daughter. Won't she be joining us? Susan:Julie? No, she's at her father's this weekend. Is something wrong? Dahlia:It's just that Ian told us that your husband had been gone for years. We assumed you were a widow. Susan:No, Karl's alive and kicking, sadly. Dahlia:So you're a... divorce? What happened? Did he beat you? Susan:No. Of course not. Ian:She had ample grounds, mother. Karl was a shameless womanizer. Dahlia:So it was just adultery. Susan:Just adultery? Dahlia:To my way of thinking, men are, by nature, weak. I think Graham will back me up on that. Graham:Really, Dahlia. Dahlia:If you want your marriage to last...when your husband strays, you extract some suitable penance... and get on with it. Punish the sin, but love the sinner. Susan:Yeah, well, with Karl, I was more, "Divorce the ass and seize the assets." So you better watch out. Betrayal makes me vengeful. Ian:Well, that's good to know. Dahlia:Yes, it certainly is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's house] (Victor and Gabrielle are seated outside his house, eating dinner by candlelight.) Gabrielle:Apparently, the water heater in the attic had burst. Everything is ruined. My clothes, my shoes, dresses. Why are you smiling? Victor:Well, we have different perspectives. You see ruined clothes, and I see a woman who could suddenly use a rich boyfriend. Gabrielle:You will never be my boyfriend. Victor:Gaby, how much longer are you gonna pretend you're not crazy about me? Gabrielle:Not much longer. This is our last date. Victor:Didn't you say it was our last date on our last date? Gabrielle:I mean it this time. Victor:Yeah? Well, do me a favor, mean it next time. I'm getting an award tomorrow at the rotary club. Gabrielle:Boring. Victor:Come on, I want my date to be the most beautiful woman in the room. Gabrielle:Is that supposed to flatter me? Victor:Only if you've never seen the women of the rotary club. Gabrielle:Oh, shut up and get me a sweater. Have you even noticed how cold I am? Victor:Noticed? It's made my whole evening. (Gabrielle grabs a napkin and covers her chest with it.) Gabrielle:Sweater, now. (Later, Gabrielle and Victor are inside his house. Victor goes to his walk-in closet while Gabrielle wanders over to the other walk-in closet, which is filled with beautiful women's clothing.) Victor:How about a nice cashmere cardigan? Gabrielle:Oh, my God! Victor:What?
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Gabrielle:Look at this! There's Lacroix and Ungaro and Vintage Gaultier. Victor:Yeah, I don't really know much about fashion. Gabrielle:Shh! They can hear you. Oh, my God! There's another rack back here! This all your ex-wife's stuff? Victor:Yeah. She's storing it here until her new house is ready. Gabrielle:Oh, my God! She wears my size! It's amazing. Nobody wears my size. Victor:Well, I guess I have a type. Gabrielle:And normally that would creep me out, except it means that I can borrow this one-of-a-kind Undari for our date! Victor:Heel, girl. This belongs to my ex. Gabrielle:So? Victor:I don't think she'd appreciate me loaning her clothes to my girlfriend. Gabrielle:Okay, "A," I'm not your girlfriend, and "B," she's not gonna find out unless you tell her. Come on! A dress this gorgeous is meant to be seen. Every day it hangs in the closet, an angel loses its wings. Victor:That's very cute, but the answer's still no. Come on. Let's go. Gaby. Gabrielle:I just wanted a moment to say good-bye. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Therapist's office] (Mike is lying on the couch talking to his therapist.) Mike:So in the next scene, the guy wakes up, and the girl, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, one of those, is standing there holding a tray of pancakes. Therapist:What happens then? Mike:I keep telling you, I don't remember. What's the difference? It's just some stupid movie I saw. Therapist:Yet every time you remember it, you feel sad or upset. I think something happened at that movie or just afterwards. Who did you see it with? Mike:Well, it's obviously some chick flick...so probably Susan. Therapist:Well, why not ask her about it? Maybe she can tell you what happened. Mike:No. No, I don't want to bother her. She just got engaged. Therapist:Mike, this therapy isn't just about recovering your memories. It's about you getting closure. Now the emotions you're feeling won't be resolved until you know what they're about. Mike:I don't know. Therapist:Come on. Talk to Susan. What could it hurt? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Carlos is on the phone with Travers.) Carlos:That's awesome. I love model airplanes. Travers:So you'll help me put it together? Carlos:Sure. I'll see you tomorrow after school. Travers:Can you come at seven instead? Carlos:Why so late? Travers:Mom says I can't play till I finish my homework. Carlos:Bye. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Edie places a model airplane kit in front of Travers as he hangs up the phone.) Travers:He's coming. So can I stay up and watch my show now? Edie:You can stay up as late as you want, champ. Tomorrow, you are going to have an early night.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan and Ian are preparing coffee and dessert in the kitchen.) Susan:Your father's been up there for twenty minutes. Are you sure he's okay? Ian:He's fine. He always lies down after dinner. He says it helps his digestion. Relax. It's going very well. Susan:I set your mother on fire. Ian:And you've been relentlessly charming ever since. Trust me, when she looks back at tonight, she won't even remember the fire. (They walk through the double doors into the dining room. The door that Susan opened hits Dahlia and she falls onto her back, spilling her wine all over herself.) Ian:But she may remember this. Susan:Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Are you all right? Dahlia:Yes, I'm perfectly fine. At least this blouse made it through dinner. Susan:Let me get you a towel. (Susan walks into her bathroom to find Graham standing in front of her mirror, wearing Susan's robe.) Susan:Hello! Graham:I hope you don't mind. Dahlia has a birthday coming up, and I saw this hanging there, and I thought, "a robe! Well, there's a notion." So I just tried it on... to get a sense of the drape. (The robe opens slightly and Susan can see that he's wearing her bra as well.) Susan:Were you also thinking of getting her a lace bra? Graham:Oh, dear God! Please don't mention this to any of my family. Susan:Just take the robe off. And whatever you have on underneath...consider that yours. (Downstairs, Ian and Dahlia are talking in the living room.) Dahlia:Be reasonable, dear. I'm only trying to protect you. Ian:From Susan? Well, she doesn't care about my money. She's never asked me for a cent. Dahlia:Your logic is as wobbly as the dining room chairs she can't afford to replace. Ian:I love Susan, and I won't ask her to do this. (Susan walks in with some towels.) Ian:Oh, hello. Mother's fine. I found her a sweater. Susan:So, uh, what won't you ask me? Ian:Nothing. Dahlia:I was wondering if you'd object to signing a document that says should you and Ian part ways, you'll accept a cash settlement and not go after the money he inherits from us. Susan:You mean a prenup? Dahlia:Please try to understand. Our country estate has been in our family for generations. We want it preserved for the children we hope Ian will have, not lost in some pricey divorce. Susan:Well, who's getting divorced? I'm in this for keeps. Dahlia:I'm sure you said the same to your first husband before you bolted with all you could carry. Ian:Mother, Susan is not signing anything. Dahlia:Fine. Then we'll leave it all to your brother. Ian:Oh, do you think Nigel's going to give you a grandson? He's an alcoholic homosexual. Dahlia:With a castle at stake, he can learn a new skill. Susan:Okay, stop this. We invited you here to celebrate our engagement. Now I'm divorced, and Ian's disinherited? (Graham walks in.) Graham:Hello. Have I missed anything?
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Dahlia:We'll be going soon. Please, don't be offended. All of us go into marriage convinced that everything will be perfect. God knows I did. And then one day, I found a bill for some expensive lingerie. Bustiers, peignoirs. None of it in my size. Certainly opened my eyes. Ian:But I'm not like my father. Susan:Trust him, he's not. Dahlia:I'm sorry, Ian. (Graham and Dahlia leave.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (The employees are sitting around a table when Lynette walks in.) Lynette:Hey, guys. Andrew:Hey, Mrs. Scavo. I'm sorry. We were just taking a quick break. We'll get back to work. Lynette:No. No, don't be silly. Who am I, Tom? I'm one of you guys. Sit down. Hey...you know what we could use? A good old-fashioned bi*ch session, get some stuff off our chests. So what's bugging you guys? Okay, I'll go first. How do we feel about these uniforms? A little...eh? Andrew:They're okay. But, hey, why do we have to pool our tips? Why can't we just keep what we earn? Lynette:Good point, good point. But right now we're talking about these ugly-ass uniforms. Guy Employee:You know what bugs me? No health benefits. I'm kind of worried about this mole that I found... Lynette:Focus, people! The subject is shirts. It's killing morale. Kim:I kinda like 'em. Lynette:Really, Kim? 'Cause...I heard one of your customers say that when Halloween comes around, we should stick a candle in your mouth. See? Morale. You guys need to stand up for yourselves. It's your right-No, it's your obligation to go to management and demand new shirts. And if management doesn't like it, you tell him he can go screw-! (Tom, who had walked in during her speech, closes the door and walks past the group.) Lynette:Okay, okay. Break's over, people. I'm gonna go find Tom and talk. Oh! Good. Tom:I can't believe you tried to undermine me like this. Lynette:Well, you gave me no choice. Tom:It's just a uniform. Why can't you wear it? Lynette:Because I need to win one, Tom. Tom:What? Lynette:You keep ordering me around and disagreeing with me and overuling me, and I'm sick of it. We have to do things my way at least every once in a while. Tom:This was the deal, Lynette. You agreed. I'm in charge here. You're in charge at home. Lynette:Except we're never home. We live here. Our marriage happens here. Tom:Okay, you know what? We can't talk about this now. We open in ten minutes. Maybe later we can... Lynette:Later I'll be asleep, and then I will be back here before you wake up. We gotta deal with this now. Tom:Okay, all right...we're gonna deal with this now. I'm gonna get ready for the dinner rush, And you're gonna wear the damn uniform. Lynette: No. Tom:What? Lynette:I'm going home. Tom:You're walking out on me? Lynette:I told you orange meant something bad was gonna happen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's house]
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(Gabrielle knocks on the front door. The maid answers.) Gabrielle:Hi. Remember me? I had dinner here the other night. Anyway, I was driving through your neighborhood after having, like, three iced teas, and I really have to go to the bathroom. Do you mind? (She goes inside and upstairs. Once upstairs, she goes to the walk-in closet and takes off her coat, revealing that she was only wearing her bra and panties underneath. She takes one of the dresses and puts it on.) Gabrielle:You and I are gonna be so happy together. (She's about to put her coat back on when she then starts putting on as many clothes as can fit her. Finally, she leaves, all bundled up, passing by the maid on her way out.) Gabrielle:I feel ten pounds lighter. Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Mike walks up to Susan, who's taking groceries out of her car.) Mike:Hey, you got a minute? I need your help with something. Susan:I should probably get these inside. Mike:Please, I...I need to ask you about a movie. (Later, Mike is telling Susan about the movie.) Mike:And so the last part I remember, the girl is putting these raw pancakes in front of him, and then something else funny happened. I don't remember. It was just a stupid chick flick. Susan:Mike, it wasn't a movie. That was us. Mike:What? Susan:Yeah. That was the first night that we spent together. I wanted to surprise you. Mike:With raw pancakes? Susan:They weren't all raw. I was trying to spell "Mike," and the "m" was goopy, but the "ike" was delicious. You loved it. Mike:I did, huh? Susan:Actually, no, it was gross. But you were really sweet. You just gave me a lot of kisses and said not to worry, I'd get a lot of chances to make you pancakes 'cause... Mike: 'Cause I was planning on spending the rest of... my mornings with you. Susan:You remember. Mike:Yeah. Susan:I should go 'cause Ian's parents are here. (She goes back inside as Ian, from inside the house, watches.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rotary Club] (Gabrielle and Victor talk with another member of the Rotary Club.) Victor:It's nice to see you. Man:Thank you both for coming. Victor:You know, I know I've said it ten times, but you look fantastic. And my offer still stands. Gabrielle:You do not have to pay for my dress. Victor:Come on. You only needed it for my luncheon, and it looks like it cost a bundle. Gabrielle:Trust me, it was a steal. I'm gonna go powder my nose, and then you can start showing me off. (She leaves and Victor's assistant comes over.) Assistant:Heads-up. I just saw your ex-wife. Victor:What is she doing here? Assistant:Some friend of hers is getting a plaque, too. You want to duck out after your speech? Victor:Are you kidding? I can't wait till she gets a good, long look at Gaby.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bathroom] (Gabrielle is powdering her nose when Victor's ex-wife, Samantha, walks in. She stares at Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:Hey. Samantha:Hello. I love your dress. Gabrielle:Thanks. Samantha:It's one-of-a-kind, isn't it? Gabrielle:Yeah, couture. Samantha:Undari? Gabrielle:Wow, good eye. Samantha:Well, I do have an unfair advantage. I bought it. Gabrielle:So you're...well, first, let me just say you have amazing taste. If we had met in any other context, we would so get along. Samantha:I left those clothes with Victor so he could store them, not loan them to his sluts. Gabrielle:Okay, you're mad, so I'm just gonna blow right by that slut crack. Samantha:I want my dress back now. Gabrielle:Okay, let's be reasonable. You can't wear two dresses to one lunch. It's not like I have a spare in the car. Samantha:Not my problem. Give me back the dress. Gabrielle:Go ahead. Yell all you want. You can't force me to take off this dress. Samantha:This is pepper spray. In three seconds, your eyeballs will be on fire. Gabrielle:Could you help me with the clasp? (Later, Samantha walks up to Victor. She's holding Gabrielle's dress in her hand.) Victor:Hello, Samantha. I heard you were here...Isn't that Gaby's dress? (Samantha punches Victor.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bathroom] (Victor knocks on the bathroom door. Gaby answers it wearing only her bra and panties.) Victor:Gaby? You in there? Gabrielle:Hey, Victor. You're probably wondering why I've been in here so long. Funny story. I ran into your ex-wife. Victor:Yeah, she brought me up to speed. (He hands her his coat while holding an ice pack on his eye.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Carlos and Travers are putting together the model plane while Edie watches.) Edie:Okay, it's time for bed, Travers. Travers:But I wanna show Carlos my new turtle. (Edie stares at Travers meaningfully.) Travers:Oh. Right. I'm tired. Carlos:That's okay, buddy. I gotta get going anyway. Edie:Hey, you haven't even finished your wine. Carlos:Sorry, early day tomorrow. Come on, kiddo. I'll tuck you in. Edie:Sleep tight, Travers. (Travers climbs onto Carlos' back and Carlos goes upstairs. While he's gone, Edie turns on the fireplace by remote control, then breaks off a piece of the wing from the model plane. When Carlos comes back
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downstairs, she shows him the plane.) Edie:Oh, no! I'm such a klutz. I think I broke it. Carlos:Nah, it's just a flap. I can fix that. (They sit on the couch and Edie dims the lights by remote control.) Carlos:Uh, Edie? Edie:Yeah? Carlos:I can't see what I'm doing here. Edie:I'm sorry. (She turns the lights back up.) Edie:Maybe I should watch so that if it breaks again, I can fix it. Carlos:Okay, um, so this hinge needs to go in at this angle...so that the flap works. See? Edie:God, you're so mechanical. Carlos:Edie, what are you doing? Edie:Learning about flaps. Carlos:Nah, I think you're coming on to me. Edie:Maybe. Carlos:Okay, Edie, no. Edie:Come on. Carlos:We're close friends, and I don't want to ruin that. Edie:We're not that close. Let's just do it and see where it goes. Carlos:Okay, you know what? It wouldn't go anywhere. Edie:Why not? Carlos:'Cause I'm looking for a girl who wants to settle down and be in a serious relationship, and you're not that type. Edie:Oh? What type am I? Carlos:You're... the fun type, who likes to dress sexy and go out and meet new people, and then go out the next night and meet another... new people. Edie:You think I'm promiscuous? Carlos:I'm just saying, for a house on a cul-de-sac, this place sees a lot of traffic. Edie:Just because I'm popular doesn't mean that I'm incapable of a lasting commitment. Carlos:Look, you can't even commit to your kid. He's here for a month, and you keep dumping him on neighbors so you can go shopping. That is, when you're not using him for sex bait. Edie:Get out of my house. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is on the phone while Gabrielle and Susan sit on her couch, drinking beer.) Lynette:Tom, it's me again. You should've been home thirty minutes ago. I know. You're still mad. I am, too, so why don't you come home and we can be mad together? See you soon. (She hangs up the phone.) Gabrielle:So what kind of orange is this shirt? Like a salmon or a coral? (Lynette shows her the shirt.) Gabrielle:Oh, cheese doodle. Lynette:Exactly, and I'm supposed to wear that every damn day. Susan:Oh, please. It's not that bad. I once worked at this fish-and-chip place. I had to wear an eye patch and a stuffed parrot on my shoulder. "Would you like to hear arrr specials?"
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Gabrielle:Why don't you just tell Tom to pick another color? Lynette:This isn't about the shirt anymore. This is about us working together. Every day it's a battle. It's hurting our marriage. You know what? I'll just tell Tom I need to step back. Gabrielle:You mean quit? Lynette:Yeah. We could hire a manager or something. Susan:How do you think Tom's gonna feel about that? Lynette:Well, once he decides to stop hiding, I can ask him. You know what? I'm tired of waiting. I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna talk to him. See you guys later. (She leaves the house.) Susan:So I guess this means we're babysitting the kids, huh? Gabrielle:Guess so. (Lynette comes back inside.) Lynette:I'm an idiot. Would you guys mind... Susan:We got it. Just go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette enters the restaurant.) Lynette:Tom! Come on! I know you're still here. You realize what time it is? I know! You're mad. But you just...you can't avoid me all night. (She goes around the bar and steps on broken glass. Then she notices that Tom is unconscious on the floor. She runs over to him.) Lynette:Oh, my God! Oh, Tom. Tommy...Okay, okay, you're breathing. That's good. That's good. (She picks up her cell phone and dials a number.) Lynette:Hello?Hi.There's something wrong with my husband. I don't know. He's unconscious. 357 Hawthorne place. Okay, could you please hurry? Thank you. Yes. (She hangs up.) Lynette:Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay. Do you hear me? Come on, baby...Oh, please. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Tom is sleeping in a hospital bed while Lynette and the doctor talk outside of the room.) Lynette:So that's it? He threw out his back? Oh, thank God. Doctor:I'm guessing he passed out from the pain. But I wanna be clear. A ruptured disc is very serious. He'll need surgery. It'll be a while before he's back on his feet. Lynette:How much of a while? Doctor:Three months. Lynette:Three months? Doctor:Even then, he'll need to go easy. What sort of work does he do? Lynette:We run a restaurant. Doctor:He shouldn't go back for four or five months. Restaurant work is very stressful. Lynette:Yeah, it is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan gets into bed, where Ian is reading over some papers.) Susan:What's that?
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Ian:It's the prenup my parents want you to sign. Susan:And you brought it to bed? Okay, romance tip number one... Ian:Sorry. I just can't get that off my mind. I keep thinking, why all this ungodly fuss? Susan's not in this for money and heirlooms. Susan:Thank you. I don't want your family's stuff. What am I gonna do with half a castle? Ian:Exactly. So why not just sign it? Susan:Huh? Ian:Well, I mean, looking at it rationally, what's the difference between making the promise you just made to me and making the same promise on paper? Susan:Well, the difference is huge. I mean, one way you're trusting me, and...And the other way, you're trying to make it official. Ian:But isn't that what marriage is, making your love official? Susan:Ian, do you really want to start our life together making me feel like...I'm on probation? Ian:You know that I trust you. This isn't about my fears. It's about my parents. Susan:Really? I think it's about someone else. He just wanted me to help him remember something. Ian:Who? Susan:Mike. I saw you watching us. We were just talking. Ian:I never thought anything else. Susan:Okay, I'll sign it. Ian:At least read it first. Susan:I don't need to. I trust you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Therapist's office] (Mike walks in to where his therapist is seated at a table.) Therapist:Oh. Hi, Mike. So tell me. I've been dying to know. Did you talk to Susan? Could she remember what the movie was? Mike:Actually... no. Therapist:Ah, well, hang in there. We'll figure it out. It's just a matter of time before everything starts coming back. Here, have a seat. Mike:Listen, you've been really helpful the last few months, but I think I'm done here. Therapist:Mike, I know this can be a frustrating process. But if you give up now, there are so many memories that could be lost to you. Mike:Yeah, I'm okay with that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle comes downstairs carrying all of the clothes she took from Samantha's closet. She gives them to Victor.) Victor:Oh, my God. How many did you take? Gabrielle:Sorry. I wanted options. Stop judging me. I was hopped up on couture. Victor:Hey, you know, it's not funny. Samantha called her lawyer. Gabrielle:What? Over a dress? God, what a bi*ch. Victor:Don't call her that. Gabrielle:She threatened me with mace and then slugged you. Now you're on her side? Victor:Gaby, I didn't marry an angry woman. I just divorced one. Gabrielle:What happened? Did you have some little mistress on the side? Victor:Worse. I treated her like she was the mistress. I set her up in a nice house, I gave her an allowance.
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And then I came and went as I pleased. She was always there when I needed her, but if she needed me, well... And if she wasn't happy, she could always go out and buy a nice new dress. You saw the closet, so you know just how happy she was. What? Gabrielle:I've known you for two weeks, and this is the first glimpse of a guy I could actually like. Victor:A clueless, emotionally stunted workaholic? Gabrielle:A guy who can admit he screwed up, one who's not trying to impress me every second of the day with how perfect and charming he is. I wouldn't mind seeing more of that guy. Victor:Well, his schedule's wide open. How about dinner tomorrow night? Gabrielle:I'd love to. Although what am I gonna wear now? Victor:Doesn't matter. 'Cause I'm just gonna talk you out of it. Gabrielle:Look who's back, Mr. Cocky. Victor:He never leaves for long, does he, that guy? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan, Ian, Graham, and Dahlia are sitting around the kitchen table. Susan has the pre-nuptual in front of her.) Dahlia:Are there any points you'd like to discuss before you sign? Susan:I'd like you to say, "We don't need this. We trust you." But you don't, so I'll sign it. And once I do, I am going to earn your trust by being a good wife to Ian. Dahlia:Well, we're sure you will be. Sign all three copies, please. Susan:I mean it. I am going to be loving and faithful and above all, honest. There'll be no secrets with Ian. I'll tell him everything. Dahlia:Well, we applaud your candor. Susan:What I'm trying to say is, there'll be no topic that I need to...skirt. No issue that I won't...address. I won't conceal my true thoughts under garments of secrecy. Dahlia:Good for you. Now if you'll just sign... (Graham reaches out and grabs the papers from Susan. He tears them in half.) Graham:For God sakes, Dahlia. Anyone can see she's not a fortune hunter. Dahlia:Graham, what are you doing? She is willing to sign. Graham:Which proves she can be trusted. I'm sure you'll be a good wife to Ian. Susan:You can count on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's house] (Edie walks up her front porch and sees flowers waiting for her. She reads the card.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Carlos opens his front door and Edie is there.) Edie:Thanks for the flowers. Carlos:You're welcome. Come on. Edie:You know, about Travers...you can see him if you want. He misses you. Carlos:I miss him, too. Edie:Oh, and just so you know, he's at a sleepover, so I didn't leave him alone with a six-pack and some matches. Carlos:Look, Edie, um...what I said about you the other day was... Edie:Dead-on. You nailed me, Carlos. Maybe not the way that I wanted you to, but still... Carlos:But I had no right to judge you. Besides, the guys, the clothes, the partying. That's you. I mean, that's
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the Edie that we love. Edie:Well, I'm glad you love her, because I'm getting pretty tired of her. Carlos:Come on... Edie:I'm a forty-year-old party girl. Do you think that I don't know that my days are numbered? Carlos:I don't know what you want me to say here. Edie:Don't say anything. Just...stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact... let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. (She takes off her blouse.) Carlos:Edie, what are you doing? Edie:And the skirt that's so short because she knows that guys love long legs. (She takes off her skirt.) Edie:And the heels. The ones that make her legs look even longer. (She takes off her shoes.) Carlos:Edie, please. Edie:Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. (She takes off her bra.) Edie:And the panties. The ones that hide the scar from my c-section. (She takes off her panties and stands before Carlos, naked.) Edie:This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that... But I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance. (Carlos goes over to her and hugs her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Lynette is sitting by Tom's bedside at the hospital when her phone rings.) Lynette:Hey, Andrew. Ah, thanks. He's gonna be okay. No. No, absolutely not. We will open tonight as usual. Hey, it's gonna be fine, Andrew. I will take care of it. It's my job now. Okay. See you soon. Bye. (She hangs up the phone.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Various houses] Mary Alice Voiceover:In every housewife's closet, there's an article of clothing that tells you more about its owner than she would want you to know. It might be a shirt that she despises but wears without complaint. Perhaps it's some lingerie, she knows isn't hers, but refuses to discuss... Or a dress she once loved, that she can no longer bear to look at Yes, you can learn a lot about women from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X18: Liaisons -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike's therapy hit a snag. Mike:Ikept telling you,I don't remember.
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Therapist:Something happened at the movie.Who did you see it with? Mike:Probably susan. Therapist:Why not ask her about it? Susan:Mike,it wasn't a movie.That was us. Mike:What? Susan:That was the first night that we spent together. Susan:I saw you watching us.We were just talking. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gaby saw another side of Victor. Victor:I didn't marry an angry woman.I just divorced one.And I set her up in a nice house,and gave her allowced then I came and went as I please. Gabrielle:I've known you for two weeks,and this is the first glimpse of a guy could actually like. Mary Alice Voiceover:Tom's back put him out of commission. Doctor:It'll be a while before he's back on his feet. Lynette:How much of a while? Doctor:The months. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Edie bared more her soul for Carlos. Edie:I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Carlos and Edie are lying in bed, backs to each other, obviously naked underneath the sheets.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Edie Britt had always thought of herself as passionate. Aggressively...relentlessly...violently passionate. Carlos Solis had always thought of himself as passionate. Romantically...spontaneously...constantly passionate. So it was natural for Edie and Carlos to assume that if they ever had sex, it would be amazing. And, in fact, it was amazingly bad. (They turn over and face each other.) Edie:Morning. Carlos:Morning. Edie:So, uh, last night...wow. Carlos:Yeah, I know. Super wow. Edie:Is that clock right? Carlos:Oh, man, I gotta get to work. Edie:Yeah! I gotta get home. Carlos:So, uh...oh, we should do this again. Edie:Oh, definitely. Yeah, this week doesn't seem to be that great. Maybe... Carlos:Next week, I'm swamped. Edie:Well, we'll figure something out. Mary Alice Voiceover:It was at that moment Eddie and Carlos had the exact same thought... Edie:Thank you. Carlos:Thank you. Mary Alice Voiceover:They would definitely be having sex again...just not with each other. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:It's so easy to spot the lonely ones... (Ida Greenburg talks to the plant she's trimming.) Ida:It wasn't the first time...
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Mary Alice Voiceover:They're the people who tell stories to their plants... (Kayla whispers into the Scavo dog's ear.) Kayla:I kind of like him. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and whisper secrets to their pets... Kayla:...ask him to be my boyfriend if he wants. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and have arguments with their TV... (A man slouches in his easy chair, watching TV.) Man:Get him off the court! He was runnng like his feet are made out of lead! Mary Alice Voiceover:...and the loneliest of all are the ones who talk to people... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskey's house] (Mrs. McCluskey is in her basement, holding onto a portable phone.) Mrs. McCluskey:Do you know what I think, Gilbert? Mary Alice Voiceover:...people who are no longer there. (Mrs. McCluskey looks over at a framed photograph of her husband, Gilbert, and herself.) Mrs. McCluskey:Phone's gonna ring any second. It's gonna be Lynette begging me to come over early. Did I tell you that Tom had surgery on his back last week? That idiot's flat on his ass while Lynette brings home the bacon again. Eh, I shouldn't judge. Plenty of people didn't get what I saw in you. I won't name names...my sister Gayle. I always told her that beneath all the name-calling and the dish-throwing, we really loved each other. (She reaches into a freezer and pulls out a popsicle. The phone rings.) Mrs. McCluskey:Betcha fifty bucks it's Lynette. Hello? (She smiles and looks upward.) Mrs. McCluskey:You lose, Gilbert. What's up? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette 's house] (Lynette is on the phone with Mrs. McCluskey, rushing around the house.) Lynette:I have to get to the restaurant early. Is there any you could come over and get the kids off to school?(to the twins)Hey, why am I seeing pajamas? Get dressed!(into the phone) Yeah, they are ready to go. So what do you say? Oh, great! Thanks. I owe you big-time. Okay, bye. (Lynette hangs up and walks into the dining room, where Tom is lying propped up on a hospital bed.) Lynette:All right, I am heading out of here. Wish me luck. Tom:More interviews this morning? Lynette:Yeah, but don't worry. I am gonna find you the assistant manager of your dreams. Tom:Are you sure? Because the last ten rsums you showed me... Lynette:Yeah, I know, I know. Bottom of the barrel, convicts and losers. You were clear about that last night. Tom:And make sure that they really know how to wrangle the employees. Like Kim...she never buses her tables. Lynette:I'm the one that told you that. Tom:Oh. Yeah, right. Hey, honey, I had an idea about the specials for today. I was thinking goat cheese and mushrooms. Lynette:Oh, for God sake, Tom! I'm gonna be late for this interview. I really should go. Tom:Honey, I'm sorry. I know I am driving you crazy. Lynette:No. Tom:It's just that I'm feeling so guilty laying here, totally worthless, While you run the restaurant and the house.
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Lynette:It's okay. I am gonna find a way to make this all work and you just get better. (The doorbell rings.) Lynette:Mrs. McCluskey. Perfect timing. Tom:Hey, make sure you have your cell phone with you.Then while you're interviewing, I'll call, you can conference me in. Lynette:That is a great idea! (She picks up the portable phone and then answers the door.) Mrs. McCluskey:Hi! Lynette:Hi. (Lynette shows Mrs. McCluskey the phone.) Lynette:At some point, Tom's gonna ask you to look for this. You will not find it. Mrs. McCluskey:Great. Lynette:Love you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Edie is sitting on the couch and Travers hands her a glass with beer in it.) Travers:Here's your beer. Edie:Oh! Good job, chipmunk. No foam this time. Travers:I tipped the glass just like you told me to. Edie:I think someone's ready to salt his first margarita glass. Travers:Mommy, do you have trouble going to sleep? Edie:No. Why do you ask? Travers:'Cause I heard Carlos say you were bad in bed. Edie:What?! Why'd he say that? Travers:Do you have nightmares? Edie:Okay, sweetie, I need you to focus. What exactly did Carlos say, and who did he say it to? Travers:I went to get my soccer ball from his yard. He was on the one talking to someone. So what does "bad in bed" mean? Edie:Well, it means that you're not good at making...your bed. And mommy doesn't like people saying she can't make a bed because... trust me, nobody makes a bed as good as your mommy. Travers:If you want, I can tell people you're good in bed. Edie:That's fine, sweetie. Uh, if you want to help mommy, just, um...top off her breakfast. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Farmer's market] (Ian is picking through an orange stand while on his cell phone.) Ian:Susan, I'm, uh, by the orange stand. Where are you? The cheese stand? No, I don't mind you going back for free samples. But if you like it so much, why don't you just buy some? Yeah, of course, you're right. It always tastes better when it's free. Okay, then please hurry. (He hangs up and notices that Mike has come up next to him and is looking through the oranges, too.) Ian:Hello. Mike:Hey. Ian:Boy, you're everywhere these days. Mike:Excuse me? Ian:Well, yesterday, Susan and I ran into you at the post office. Last week, the movies. One might think you're following us. Mike:Trust me, one has better things to do than follow you around.
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Ian:And yet here you are... again. Mike:Ian, Fairview's a small town. You want distance? Move to the city. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's car] (Susan is driving home with Ian in the passenger's seat.) Susan:You've been awfully quiet since we left the market. Is everything okay? Ian:Um, well, since you ask, I'm having some problems at work. Susan:Really? Ian:Yes, we're in the midst of some corporate restructuring. I'm gonna have to spend more time in London. Susan:Oh. Okay. Ian:And I was thinking, maybe you and I should just...relocate. Susan:To London? Permanently? Ian:I know it's sudden, but... Susan:Yeah, it's sudden. My whole life is here. I mean, my friends. You know, Julie is still in school... Ian:Susan! (He points to the road where a deer is standing in front of them. Susan gasps and swerves to avoid the deer. The car drives off the road and flips upside down into a lake.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lake] (Susan and Ian manage to get out of the car and they stay above water by holding onto the sinking car.) Susan:Oh, my God. Are you okay? Ian:I'm fine. I'm fine. Susan:I can feel the car sinking. We're gonna have to get to shore. Ian:How deep do you think this water is? Susan:Deep enough. Come on! Let's move! Ian:I can't swim. Susan:What?! You said you played water polo! Ian:I said polo with horses! Susan:How can you not know how to swim? Didn't you go to summer camp? Ian:I stayed in the canoe. Let it go! Susan:Okay, don't panic. Just grab onto my neck, and I'll swim for the both of us. Ian:I'm twice your size. We might drown. Let's just stay here and think of something else. Susan:If you stay here, you'll definitely drown. You see how my plan is better? (On the road, Mike drives by. He stops his car, gets out of the car, and removes his shirt, preparing to jump in.) Susan:Look, there's somebody on the shore! It's Mike! He's here. Ian:Of course he is. (Later, Mike is pulling Ian to shore while Susan swims next to them. When they reach land, Ian pulls away.) Ian:I can walk from here! Mike:Sorry. You were just gripping me so tight. Susan:Oh, my God. Mike, you saved our lives. (Mike pulls out a bundle of cheese from his pocket.) Susan:And our cheese! Ian, can you believe it? Mike saved our cheese! Ian:Yes, he's...he's quite the hero. Mike:Good thing I was following you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette escorts a potential assistant manager out of the restaurant.) Lynette:Arnie, thanks for coming in. We will definitely keep you in mind. Andrew:Come on. What was wrong with that guy? Lynette: He kept asking what we do with the food people don't eat. Andrew: All right, so he's a fat loser. I mean, who'd you expect to get for eight fifty an hour? Lynette: Well, that's what we pay you, and you seem happy enough. Andrew:That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy. Lynette:My fault for asking. (She goes over to the bar where more applicants are waiting.) Lynette:Rick Coletti? Rick:That's me. Lynette:Great. Come on over. Your application" Rick:One second. (He picks up a piece of chalk next to the mini chalkboard advertising the day's specials and adds an "E" to the end of "Calzon.") Rick:That's been bothering me. Sorry. Lynette:No. It's great you can spell. You are now officially the front-runner. Rick:Yeah, my, uh, grandma came over from Naples. I've been making calzones since before you were born. Lynette:How old do you think I am? Rick:Thirty? Thirty-one? Lynette:Not afraid to shamelessly ass kiss. You are doing very well. Rick:Great, you wanna skip ahead to the part where you hire me? Lynette:Well, I should probably take a look at your application first. Okay, don't be afraid if you don't have a ton of experience. I realize for what we're paying, we're not exactly gonna get a...you were a sous-chef at Cucina? That's a five-star restaurant. Rick: Actually four. Lynette: Which is four more than we have. Rick: Yeah, but this place his character and charm, and...a beautiful owner. Lynette: But seriously, why would a four-star chef wanna slum at a pizza joint? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom is lying in his hospital bed.) Tom:Mrs. McCluskey! Mrs. McCluskey:I'm right here! Keep your shirt on. Tom:I need another pill. And please, tell the kids to turn down the TV. Mrs. McCluskey:I yell, they turn it down. I walk away, they turn it up. Vicious circle. Tom:Surely you can control five little kids. Mrs. McCluskey:Can I beat 'em? Tom:No. Mrs. McCluskey:Then my hands are tied. (Lynette comes home.) Lynette:Hi! I'm home! And I've got good news. I found a new manager. Tom:That's terrific. Lynette:Yeah, his name is Rick Coletti, And he was a sous-chef at Cucina. Tom:Cucina? Why does he wanna work at our place?
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Lynette:Yeah, I had that exact same thought. And to be honest, he has a history. Tom:History? Lynette:You know how stressful it is working in a four-star restaurant, and he, like many chefs, started using cocaine just to stay ahead... Tom:No way. Lynette:Clean for almost a year. Tom:We're not the Betty Ford clinic! Lynette:No, I know, but I've got a really good feeling about this guy, And all he wants is a fresh start. Tom:I am not gonna hire a junkie who's gonna turn around and...and then hock our jukebox just to feed his habit. Here, go find somebody else. Lynette:I can't find somebody else. I've interviewed fifty guys and this junkie happens to be the best of the bunch. Seriously, Tom, I don't know how much longer I... Tom:Please, can we just talk about this later? I'm in a lot of pain right now. Lynette:I'm sorry. Tom:Please, just do what I am asking. Lynette:Fine. I'll, uh, keep looking. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle and Victor walk slowly up the porch steps to the front door.) Gabrielle:I had such a good time tonight. Who knew you could dance? Victor:It's of my many talents. I'll tell you what. You invite me in for a drink, I'll show you another one. Gabrielle:Not tonight, thanks. Victor:So you would tango with a mad and then not he sex with him? You know that's actually against the law in Argentina. Come on. We both know it's gonna happen eventually. Gabrielle:And every time you say that, eventually gets a little further away. Stop begging, or I'm not going to your rally tomorrow. Victor:Fine. I can be patient. As far as I'm concerned, the chase is half the fun. Gabrielle:Half the fun? Oh, honey, if I ever do say yes...you're gonna adjust that percentage way down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan is eating from a plate of cheese and fruit while lying in bed. Ian comes over.) Ian:You can't possibly be eating more cheese. Susan:What, you've never heard of a midnight snack? Unless you can think of something else that I can nibble on. Ian:Slide over, you cheddar-breath tease. (They begin to kiss and Ian notices a gift bag with a thank-you card attached to it.) Ian:Oh, what's that? Susan:It's a thank-you gift for Mike. Ian:Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we already thank him at the shore, And again when he dropped us off at home? Susan:I don't think you can really thank somebody too many times For saving your life. Ian:I wish you'd stop saying that. Susan:Saying what? Ian:That he saved my life. I'm fairly certain I could've survived without his help. And if anyone did any lifesaving, it was me. Susan:You?
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Ian:Yes. If hadn't warned you about the deer, It would've gone straight through the windshield, And you would've ended up with an antler through your brain. Susan:Okay, that's a good point. Ian:Thank you. Susan:But we were in a bit of a jam there, and...I don't think you should be embarrassed for needing a little help. Ian:I'm not embarrassed, and I don't feel emasculated, either. Susan:Emasculated? Who said emasculated? And why are you not kissing me now? Ian:I'm ready when you are. (They begin to kiss. Ian catches sight of the bag again and aggressively rolls Susan over, pinning her to the bed. He begins kissing her more passionately.) Susan:I guess we're gonna cut right to the... (Later, Ian and Susan are sitting up in bed, not touching.) Susan:Don't worry. Happens to everybody. Maybe it would help to talk about it. Ian:No. I don't want to talk about it. Susan:All right. We won't talk about it. Want some cheese? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's house - nighttime] (Carlos is getting out of his car when Edie comes storming up to him.) Carlos:Hey, how are you? Edie:I'm good. Well, you might not think so, but... I am good. Where in the hell do you get off telling people that I am bad in bed?! Carlos:I never said that! Edie:Travers heard you on the phone! Carlos:Okay, I'm sorry. I was talking to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories. Edie:And to think that I went out of my way to spare your feelings! Carlos:What's that supposed to mean? Edie:You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer. Carlos:Then what was all that moaning? Edie:I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts! Carlos:Oh, come on! Edie:You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol. Carlos:I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you. Edie:Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers. Carlos:Are you challenging me to a rematch? Edie:Maybe. Carlos:So you wanna do it again? Edie:If it'll shut you up...I'll fall on that grenade. Carlos:There's gonna be an explosion. Come on. (They grab at each other and begin kissing. Once inside the house, Edie pushes Carlos against the refrigerator. A pepper shaker falls on his head and he winces. He grabs Edie and swipes the dishes off of the table, then throws her down on top of it. She cries out and then removes a fork that she landed on.And suddenly,the table is broken.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital]
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(Edie and Carlos sit on separate examining tables while a doctor finishes writing out a prescription.) Doctor:I'm prescribing a mild painkiller for your back and I will see you in a week to remove those stitches. Carlos:Great. Doctor:So...how'd you folks get so banged up? Car accident? Edie:Bad sex. Carlos:Really bad. (The doctor hands Edie the prescription and leaves the room.) Edie:Thanks. Carlos:God, what a disaster. Edie:Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's for the best. Carlos:How so? Edie:We got it out of our system. Now we can go back to being friends. I mean, we like hanging out, and Travers adores you. Carlos:Yeah, and I wouldn't wanna ruin that. Still, it doesn't make any sense. Edie:Oh, I know. I'm hot. You're hot. On paper, we should be having great sex. Carlos:Well, we could always try again. (They look at each other.) Carlos:Yeah, me neither. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Campaign Rally] (A speaker is introducing Victor to a large crowd of people. Gabrielle sits in the front row, reading a fashion magazine). Speaker:This town is hungry for change... Mary Alice Voiceover:When Gabrielle Solis agreed to attend Victor Lang's campaign rally, she was fully prepared to be bored. Speaker:I give you the next mayor of Fairview-Mary Alice Voiceover:But when Victor took the stage, Gabrielle found herself strangely enthralled. Perhaps it was the cheers that greeted his arrival. Perhaps it was the confidence he exuded. Or perhaps it was the effect he had on the citizens of Fairview. Whatever the reason, Gaby decided not only did Victor Lang have her vote...it was time to make a campaign contribution. (After the rally, Gabrielle pushes her way through a crowd of women who are waiting for Victor to give them autographs.) Gabrielle:Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. I'm afraid Mr. Lang has to take an important meeting in his limo...now. (She grabs his arm and drags him off to the limo. He gets inside with Gabrielle close behind. He loosens his tie as she begins taking off her clothing.) Victor:To the radio station, Clyde. So what's all this about? Gabrielle:Your speech--I liked it. Victor:Seriously, here? Now? Gabrielle:Well, you laid out all your positions. Don't you want to get acquainted with mine? Victor:Clyde, could you put up the partition, please? Clyde:Yes, sir. Anything else? Gabrielle:Music. Loud music. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom is shouting from his hospital bed.)
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Tom:Mrs. McCluskey, it has been ten minutes! Where's my pie?! Mrs. McCluskey:I'm unloading the dishwasher. You'll get your damn pie when I'm done. Tom:I want my pie now. Mrs. McCluskey:Oh, yeah. Yeah, you heard me. Your being here isn't charity. Tom:We pay you good money to help us. So when I ask you to do something, I want it done! Mrs. McCluskey:Well, here's a surprise for you... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Mrs. McCluskey, with all five kids surrounding her, shows up at the restaurant.) Mrs. McCluskey:...I quit. Lynette:What? What? Why? Why? What happened? Mrs. McCluskey:Five kids are tough enough, but your husband makes six, And that's where I draw the line. Lynette:Okay, I know that, uh, Tom has been a little cranky lately. Mrs. McCluskey:No, I'm cranky. He's insufferable. I hate to admit this, Lynette, but every time that man screams out in pain, I do a little jig inside. Lynette:Look, I'll talk to Tom-Mrs. McCluskey:No, my mind's made up. Lynette:Wait, wait, wait! Please don't do this. Please. I am at the end of my rope. Mrs. McCluskey:I wish I could help you, Lynette. I can see that you're going down, But I'm just too old to get dragged down with you. (She leaves and Lynette notices that her boys are already causing mischief behind the counter.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette opens the front door and the kids run inside.) Lynette:Okay, everybody, go on up to bed. Parker, you got the baby. Yeah, that's exactly right. You know what to do. (She walks into the dining room where Tom is.) Tom:Before you speak, just know that ever since McCluskey left, I've been lying here feeling like the biggest jerk ever. Tomorrow morning, I am gonna call her and apologize. I will fix this. Lynette:Well, you might also want to apologize to the customer who found a Lego in her pizza. Tom:Oh, God. Did the kids do that? Lynette:I hope. Tom:Oh, God. Lynette:It was so awful tonight. Tom:Oh, honey. You know what you need? Lynette:What? Tom:A seein' to. Once the kids are asleep, slip on that sexy blue thing And then sneak back down here. Lynette:You wanna have sex? But you're immobile. Tom:Okay, maybe full-on sex is a little ambitious, but there's other stuff that we could do... Lynette:But you can't bend at the waist, and that pretty much leaves the heavy lifting to me. Tom:Trust me, if you get us to the finish line, I will cross it. Lynette:Is that why you apologized, just so I'd... service you? Tom:Honey, I have been trapped in this bed all day long. I'm bored. I'm miserable. Can't you do this one little thing for me? Lynette:I have been doing everything I can to keep our heads above water. I can't do you, too. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle, over various times, checks her answering machine.) Mary Alice Voiceover:For Gabrielle, the best part of having sex with a new man was seeing how quickly his affection would turn to obsession. Answering Machine:No messages. Mary Alice Voiceover:But when Victor failed to call the next morning... Answering Machine:No messages. Mary Alice Voiceover:Or the next afternoon... Answering Machine:No messages. Mary Alice Voiceover:It was Gabrielle who began obsessing. (Later, Gabrielle and Susan are at Gabrielle's kitchen table, drinking margaritas and eating chips.) Gabrielle:Not a peep. Twenty-four hours. Susan:Well, he's busy. Isn't he debating the mayor tonight? Gabrielle:I don't care! He can find two lousy minutes for me. (Edie walks in.) Edie:I'm here! Deal me in. Gabrielle:Sorry, no poker today. Lynette had to work. Want a margarita? Edie:Oh, I'd like three, but I'll start with one. (A workman comes into the room.) Toby:Ms. Solis? Sorry to interrupt. You have any water? Gabrielle:Yeah, in the fridge. Edie:Who is that? Susan:And why don't you put your water on that lower shelf? Toby:Thank you. (He leaves.) Gabrielle:That's Toby. He's fixing my closet. Edie:Has your cocky boyfriend gotten a load of the help? Susan:Move away from that topic. Gabrielle:We had sex yesterday in his limo. Edie:Ooh, I love limo sex. Town car or stretch? Gabrielle:Well, stretch, of course. I'm not a complete slut. Point is, he hasn't called since. Edie:So... how was the sex? Gabrielle:Fantastic. As good as with Carlos. Edie:Hmm. That good, huh? Gabrielle:God, I'm such an idiot. I gave it up way too fast. Now I've lost all the power. Susan:Oh, come on. Gabrielle:No, I'm serious. Our mothers had the right idea. They let men think they were the only ones who needed sex, And women just went along as a favor. Men begged for every crumb, and we never lost the upper hand. Edie:Yeah, no guy respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait. Susan:It's true. She has a little room with magazines and an aquarium. Edie:I have so missed our friendship. Susan:I think if you really like this guy, you should just be honest. You should tell him that you feel a little hurt-Edie:Oh, yeah, whining is really gonna bring him to his knees. You wanna get this guy back in line? You hit him hard, hit him fast. Is he the jealous type?
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Gabrielle:Aren't they all? So what should I do to make him jealous? (Toby, the workman, comes in again). Toby:I got all the shelves up. Anything else? (Edie and Susan look at Gabrielle with raised eyebrows.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mayoral Debate] (The mayor and Victor are each set up at a podium to debate.) Mayor:My opponent thinks we should combat prostitution by mounting surveillance cameras to embarrass the customers. I call that a blatant violation of our citizens' privacy. Victor:Mr. Mayor, if you're so worried about privacy, just wear a hat, keep your head down, and you'll be fine. Debate Official:Okay, thank you very much, gentlemen. So let's move on to our next subject. (Gabrielle walks into the debate with Toby by her side. She sits down in the front row with him and begins kissing his neck and rubbing his knee. Victor sees it all.) Debate Official:You both have said our citizens pay too much in taxes. How would you attract new business to boost the city's tax base? Mr. Lang? Victor:I'm sorry, would you, uh...uh, repeat the question, please? Debate Official:How would you bring new business to Fairview? Victor:I would, uh...offer tax exemptions to, uh, first-year start-ups. Mayor:And that will...increase our tax base? Victor:Uh, no. Of course not. Not at first. But when conjoined with... Mayor:My opponent seems a bit overtaxed himself. (Gabrielle smiles in satisfaction at Victor. She and Toby get up and leave. As they go, Gabrielle takes Toby's hand and places it firmly on her behind.) Debate Official:Gentlemen, there's been much talk lately regarding our local schools. What would you do to improve public education? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette brings a pizza out to a table.) Lynette:Here you go. Sorry for the wait. (At another table, a man calls for Lynette's attention.) Customer:Miss! Please? Lynette:I will be right there! (She turns to go back into the kitchen and runs into Kim, who drops a huge stack of plates. They crash onto the floor.) Kim:Oh, my God! Mrs. Scavo, I am so sorry. Lynette:Don't cry. Just clean. Customer:Miss, if you could just-Lynette:I swear, I will be there in one second. (She brings Kim some towels.) Lynette:Here you go. Here you go. (Rick walks in.) Rick:Let me guess. This a bad time? Lynette:Oh, my God, Rick. I never got back to you. I am so sorry. Rick:That's okay. I didn't mind waiting. So long as it's good news for me now. Lynette:Look, I think you're great, and we would be lucky to have you. It's just, my husband isn't really comfortable- QQ1661866800
Rick:With an ex-drug addict in his kitchen. You can drug test me every week. Anything you want. I just... I really need this job. Customer:Miss! Lynette:Could you excuse me a second? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's up? Customer:I hate my calzone. Lynette:Oh? What's wrong with it? Customer:It's just not good, and I want a new one. Lynette:All right, all right. I will put you order in. But the kitchen's a little backed up. Customer:Not my problem. You gave me a sucky calzone. I don't care if you have to get back there and make it yourself! Lynette:I can't do this. It's just... (She sinks down into a chair and rests her head in her hands.) Customer:What is this? (Rick comes over.) Rick:I'll make you a new calzone, sir. Uh, fresh basil, garlic...you like sun-dried tomatoes? Customer:Yeah, sounds good. Rick:All right. Customer:Is she all right? Rick:Yeah. It's her grandma's calzone recipe. She takes criticism very personally. (He goes to the kitchen.) Rick:Prep some dough for a calzone for me, And, uh, can you get someone to chop some basil? Andrew:Yeah, okay. Who are you? Rick:I'm Rick. Andrew:You--You--You work here now? (Rick looks at Lynette, who nods slightly.) Rick:Looks like I do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's bedroom] (Ian is reading in bed when Susan comes in. She's wearing a black negligee and she leans against the doorframe.) Ian:Oh, is that new? Susan:I just bought it. But if you don't like it, feel free to rip it off me. Ian:Actually, I have this book proposal to discuss at an eight a.m. meeting, so I-I can't really... Susan:Well, that's okay. You gotta work, you gotta work. So, um...I was thinking about London. Julie's gonna be applying to college as soon, and, um, a year abroad could give her a real boost. So...let's do it. Ian:Are you serious? Susan:Yes. I wanna spend time in your world. I wanna play cricket, and I wanna eat crumpets, And I want to use the word ghastly. (He pulls Susan on top of him.) Ian:God, Susan, you have no idea how excited this makes me feel. Susan:My thigh's getting an inkling. Ian:We'll call a realtor first thing in the morning and put our houses on the market. Susan:Not mine, okay? That way, we can use it when we visit. Ian:That's what hotels are for, darling. Susan:I don't want sell my house. Everybody I love is on this street. (Ian pushes Susan off of him. He picks up his book again and begins to read.)
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Susan:What happened? Ian:I'm feeling tired. Susan:You weren't tired a second ago. Ian:I'm not in the mood, all right? Susan:Why not? Ian:You know, I'm not used to being grilled about my sex drive. Susan:Well, I'm not used to guys bailing on me in the middle of foreplay. Ian:And by guys, of course you mean Mike. Susan:What? Ian:Oh, I'm sure good old Mike was ready and able twenty-four seven. Susan:You're not actually...okay. That's it...I've had it. Really, I can't have this conversation one more time. I've done nothing but prove my love to you for the last year and you cannot shut up about Mike. Ian:I don't trust the man! Susan:Well, you don't have to trust Mike! You have to trust me, and you don't! That's what going to England's about, isn't it? You're just trying to get me away from Mike. Well, you know what? Screw it. I'm not going. And if you ever bring up his name again, we're over. Got it? Over! (She storms and puts on her slippers. She sees the thank-you gift on the table, so she picks it up and goes across the street and knocks on Mike's door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike answers.) Mike:Hi. Susan:This is from me and Ian. Mike:An electric juicer. Susan:Yeah, well, you know, you try to think of a more appropriate "thank you for saving my life" gift. Mike:This works fine for me. Susan:Good. I should go. Mike:You okay? Susan:I'm good. Mike:You sure about that? Susan:Yeah, it's just, um...you know, Ian and I had a had a little...thing. (Mike leans over and kisses her. After several seconds, the kiss ends and Susan goes back to her house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Ian is in the kitchen waiting for her.) Ian:Hi. Susan:Hi. Ian, about what I said-Ian:You were right. You've never given me reason to doubt you. I'm an insecure idiot. I don't deserve you, Susan. But if you'll please keep pretending that I do, I swear I will not utter a single jealous word for the rest of our lives together. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle, at various times, checks her answering machine.) Answering Machine:Gaby, it's Victor. What the hell were you thinking? That little stunt of yours almost cost me the debate. Answering Machine:It's me again. Okay, I get it. I forgot to call, and you were mad. But still, you- QQ1661866800
Answering Machine:Hi. I hope you got the flowers. Again, I am so sorry for not calling-Answering Machine:Gaby, come on. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me? I'll do anything you want-(The doorbell rings. It's Victor.) Victor:I brought you some flowers...in case the other three bouquets get lonely. Gabrielle:Thank you. You can go now. I don't want to take any more time out of your busy schedule. Victor:For God sake, Gaby, How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? What I did was thoughtless and inconsiderate. Gabrielle:Yes, it was. Victor:What you did was flat-out vicious. Gabrielle:Just trying to get your attention. Victor:By humiliating me in public? Gabrielle:Hey, you hurt me. If I have to strike back hard to protect myself... Victor:Is that what you think this is? Combat? Gabrielle:I've been taken for granted before, and I'm not gonna let it happen again. If I'm gonna give myself to you, you damn well better worship me! Victor:And I will do that...morning and evening services. Gabrielle:Good. Victor:But you have to stop treating this relationship Like it's a boxing match only one of us can win. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm in love with you. So it'd be nice If you could take the gloves off and trust me. Gabrielle:You're in love with me? Victor:My campaign--that's about winning. This, you and me, it's about happiness. And we could both use a little. But maybe you need some more time to think about it. (He starts to leave. She grabs him and kisses him, then leans back, showing him her open palms.) Gabrielle:Look. No gloves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Carlos is looking at pictures on his digital camera when Edie comes downstairs.) Edie:Travers conked out the moment his head hit the pillow. Poor little guy was beat. Carlos:Well, he should be. We covered every inch of that zoo. Oh, check this out--You and Travers at the monkey house. Edie:Oh, I look squinty. Delete. Delete. Carlos:There's the one the pretzel guy took. Edie:Look at the three of us. You have to e-mail me that one. Carlos:Isn't that great? You know, he thought that Travers had my eyes. Edie:Seriously? Carlos:He totally thought we were a family. Edie:Well, if we were, we'd be one hell of a good-looking one. Carlos:Yeah. Nothing better than family. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom is on the phone with Mrs. McCluskey.) Tom:And this time, I really mean it. Mrs. McCluskey:Me, too. Tom:Well, you gonna say anything? Mrs. McCluskey:To be honest I've heard a better apology. But I know how hard this must have been for you. And that makes me happy. So I accept.
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Tom:Thanks. That's big of you. Mrs. McCluskey:That is big of you to admit you are a chucklehead. I'll see you tomorrow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskey's house] (Mrs. McCluskey hangs up her phone and continues folding her laundry in the basement.) Mrs. McCluskey:Did you heard that, Gibert? He apologized. I mean I know he did it just for her sake But still...maybe they have a good marriage after all. But they will never have what we had, will they? Gilbert. Not by a long shot. Mary Alice Voiceover:Passion. It's a force so potent we still remember it long after it's faded away. A drive so alluring it can push us to the arms of unexpected lovers. A sensation so overwhelming it can knock down walls we built to protect our hearts. A feeling so intense it resurfaces even though we try so hard to keep it buried. Yes, of all emotions, passion is the one that gives us a reason to live and an excuse to commit all sorts of crimes. (In Mrs. McCluskey's basement, she opens her freezer to remove a popsicle. Inside the freezer is the frozen body of her late husband.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X19: God, That's Good -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives... Victor:Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm in love with you. Mary Alice Voiceover:Victor caught Gaby by surprise... Lynette:Why would a four-star chef wanna slum at a pizza joint? Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette took a gamble... Lynette:He has a history...using cocaine. Tom:No, no way. Lynette:Well, but he's been clean for almost a year. Mary Alice Voiceover:Mike bet on love... Ian:I win, you leave me and Susan alone. Mary Alice Voiceover:...and lost... Susan:Don't panic. Mary Alice Voiceover:...but still came to Susan's rescue. Mike:You okay? Susan:Yeah. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Mrs. Mccluskey revealed her secret for a lasting relationship. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:It was late on a Tuesday night when the power went out all over Fairview. For most of the residents, it was a minor inconvenience. But for those with secrets, the darkness proved quite useful indeed. Millie Russell was able to indulge in another night of midnight binging. Timmy Cooper was able to sneak another peek at his father's adult magazines. Marilyn Quinn was able to steal a few more puffs of her forbidden tobacco. But these secrets paled compared to the one a certain old woman was hiding in her basement.
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(Mrs. McCluskey walks down the steps of her basement while talking on her portable phone.) Mrs. McCluskey:You sit tight, Ida. I got batteries here. No, I keep them in the freezer for just such an emergency. (She opens her freezer to take out the batteries. Her frozen dead husband is still there.) Mrs. McCluskey:I'll run 'em over to you. By the way, you wouldn't happen to have any extra ice laying around, would ya? No, I've just got some stuff in my freezer I don't want thawing out anytime soon. Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, as a rule, darkness helps us keep our secrets safely hidden. (Mrs. McCluskey stumbles and falls down the stairs.) Mrs. McCluskey:Oh, crap! Mary Alice Voiceover:But every rule. . . (The fallen phone lies near Mrs. McCluskey's unconscious body. Ida's voice comes through the speaker.) Ida:Karen, what's happened? Are you okay? Mary Alice Voiceover:...has its exceptions. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:When the lights went out on Wisteria Lane, Karen McCluskey wasn't the only resident left in the dark. Everyone else felt the pain of going without power as well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan is rooting through her kitchen drawers. Ian is sitting at the table.) Susan:Ow! Damn! Thumbtack! Ian:Susan, please let me help. Susan:No, no, I got it. Oh, wait. Here we go. (She finds a box of matches and lights one, using its light to help her continue to search through the drawers.) Ian:But it's hardly a long-term solution. Susan:Well, at least it'll keep me from stabbing myself while I look. Ian:But this is silly. Why don't we just borrow a flashlight from Mike? Susan:Mike? Ian:He's a plumber. He's bound to have a spare. Susan:Sure, but we can't keep leaning on him for everything."Mike, we're drowning. Save us." "Mike, it's dark. Give us a flashlight." Let's go ask Gaby. Ian:Actually, I wanted to talk to him anyway. I thought we might ask him over for dinner. Susan:Dinner? Ian:You know, as a, as a thank-you gesture. Susan:Well, Ian, you've tasted my cooking. It's not a thank-you. It's revenge. Ian:Well, then I'll cook. You know, you told me I should put my jealousy behind me. I think breaking bread together would be a great start. Susan:Well, let's not bother him tonight. You know, I don't really even need a flashlight. My eyes have totally adjusted to the dark. (She moves her arm and knocks over something made of glass, which crashes onto the floor.) Ian:What was that? Susan:Don't walk in the kitchen. Anyway, where is your sense of romance? It's a blackout. You have a defenseless lady. Getting any ideas? Ian:Well, I-I-I'm starting to, yes. It's funny. All that time I wasted worrying Mike would come between us--it seems so laughable now, doesn't it?
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Susan:Kiss me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike walks down the hallway to where Carlos sleeps.) Mike:Hey, Carlos, we had a blackout. You need a flashlight? Carlos, you okay? (He opens up Carlos's door. Carlos is sitting up in bed, naked from the waist down, the covers pulled up over his waist. Edie stands in her lingerie, hiding behind the door that Mike has open.) Mike:Oh, uh, sorry, man. I thought I heard a thud. Carlos:I just, um, bumped into a chair. I didn't think that you were coming home till tomorrow. Mike:Nah, fish weren't bitin'. So, uh...you got a girl in here? Carlos:No. Why? Mike:Oh, 'cause when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises. Carlos:No, that was just me. Mike:Okay. Night. (He leaves. Edie walks toward Carlos.) Carlos:Oh, god, that was close. Edie:All this sneaking around is ridiculous! Mike and I dated for five minutes. He's not gonna care. Carlos:What if Travers finds out? Look, I don't want him to be confused, and until we figure out where this is going, I just think we should keep things on the down low. (Edie starts getting dressed.) Carlos:Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to keep quiet. What? Edie:I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm twelve again. Carlos:I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our...twelve? Edie:Okay, look...I will find us another place to rendezvous. But I'm not gonna skulk around forever. Carlos:And no one's asking you to. I respect you too much for that. (Edie starts to go out the door. Carlos stops her and gestures toward the window.) Carlos:If you don't mind. . . Edie:Oh, for god sake. . . (She climbs out the window.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette lights a candle and sets it down at one of the tables with two customers.) Lynette:I'm gonna be right there. Here you go. Male Customer:So can you still cook with the power out? Lynette:Of course! Absolutely! (She heads back to the kitchen, where Rick is.) Lynette:Please, please, tell me we can still make pizza. Rick:No dice. Some genius installed pizza ovens with electric starters. Lynette:Oh, this is awful. On a good night, we barely break even. Tonight is gonna kill the whole week. Rick:Not necessarily. The stovetop's gas. I bought pasta for the staff dinner. You give me ten minutes, I'll whip up a spaghetti carbonara that'll knock their socks off. Lynette:Oh, my god! You are a lifesaver! Rick:And, uh, since it's not on the menu, you can charge whatever you want--say, twenty bucks? Lynette:For pasta? Are you crazy? Rick:Won't hurt to ask.
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Lynette:Oh, I don't wanna scare them away. Rick:Okay. Lynette:Okay. (Lynette heads back over to the couple at the table.) Lynette:So...good news! Our chef is preparing his special spaghetti carbonara. Female Customer:Ooh, yummy! Lynette:And we're offering that for twelve dollars. Male Customer:Great! Lynette:For the appetizer portion. The entre is twenty. Male Customer:Fine. Lynette:Two. Twenty-two. Two. Male Customer:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Elevator] (Gabrielle and Victor are stuck in an elevator in complete darkness.) Gabrielle:Shouldn't there be an emergency light? Sometimes in these elevators there's a. . . Victor:Ta-da! (Victor opens a small door in the elevator and a strong light from inside comes on.) Gabrielle:Well, aren't you clever? Victor:I'll just call hotel security and let 'em know we're-Gabrielle:No, wait! This is the first time I've had you to myself all night. Victor:I'm sorry. It's those fund-raisers. Everybody wants a piece of the candidate. What are you doing? Gabrielle:Taking my piece. (She begins undressing him.) Victor:Are you insane? We're in an elevator. Gabrielle:Exactly. Going down. . . Victor:No! Come on. Cut it out. The power could come on at any moment. Gabrielle:I know. That's what makes it so exciting--the risk. Victor:But, uh, I-I'm kind of running for mayor here, remember? Gabrielle:It's an elevator, silly. It has an emergency stop button. I don't. (She closes the door of the light and the elevator plunges back into darkness.) Gabrielle:Oh, my god, that's amazing! What are you doing? Victor:That's my phone. It's on vibrate. Gabrielle:Oh, god! (The power suddenly comes back on revealing Victor and Gabrielle in a compromising position, clothes half off.) Gabrielle:Oh, man, I was just starting to get into it. Victor:Less talking, more dressing. (A few minutes later, their elevator door opens and two firefighters are standing there.) Firefighter:You two okay? Victor:Yeah, fine, thanks. Firefighter:Must've gotten pretty hot in there. Gabrielle:You have no idea. (Victor and Gabrielle leave and the firefighters get on the elevator. In the corner ceiling of the elevator, a security camera's red light silently blinks, indicating it's recording.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Outside Mrs. McCluskey's house] (Mrs. McCluskey is on a stretcher, being wheeled down the sidewalk by paramedics.) Ida:Karen, don't worry about a thing. I'll collect your mail till you get back. Mrs. McCluskey:Well, how long's this blackout supposed to last? Ida:Well, they say it may last for days. Mrs. McCluskey:Days?! Uh...hey, blondie, come here. Come here. (A paramedic comes over.) Mrs. McCluskey:Hey, listen, I don't really need to go to the hospital. I'm fine. Paramedic:You fractured a rib, and you might have a concussion. You need looking after. Mrs. McCluskey:No, some of the stuff in my freezer might melt. How about I just run out and get some ice and then meet you at the hospital? Paramedic:Ma'am, you can replace groceries. Mrs. McCluskey:You don't understand. Some of my groceries-- they-- they have sentimental value. Paramedic:Sorry. Mrs. McCluskey:Yeah, well, I don't need to ask your permission. (She starts to get up and the paramedic pushes her back down.) Paramedic:Ma'am, no! Mrs. McCluskey:Get your hands off me, you big ape! Paramedic:Get the restraints. Mrs. McCluskey:I'm gonna sue your ass! (The power suddenly comes back on. Mrs. McCluskey stops struggling.) Mrs. McCluskey:Hey! Well, what are we waiting for? Get me to the hospital. I'm not a well woman. (The paramedic walks over to where Ida is standing.) Ida:What was that all about? Paramedic:Your friend's afraid the stuff in her freezer is gonna spoil. Ida:Oh, well, thank god the power's back on. Now she won't have to worry. (In Mrs. McCluskey's basement, a fuse blows and the freezer suddenly loses power again.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's house] (Victor is reading the newspaper at breakfast. Gabrielle walks in carrying two plates of waffles.) Gabrielle:I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot. What? Victor:Will you marry me? Gabrielle:They're just toaster waffles. Victor:Ah, that was just the pre-proposal, actually. The real one will be much more romantic with a big diamond the size of a doorknob. But just so you're prepared, I do wanna marry you. Gabrielle:Well, just so you're prepared, consider this my pre-refusal. Victor:Come on. What's wrong? You're wearing my shirts. You burn my breakfast. You're here every night. It's like we're married already. Gabrielle:We're having a good time. Why risk ruining it? Victor:See, what happened to the thrill seeker that seduced me in the elevator? She wouldn't be afraid of taking a little risk. Gabrielle:Oh, you don't wanna marry her. She's a tramp. Hold out for a good girl. Victor:No, no, no. I've found what I'm looking for. Come on. What gives? Gabrielle:Look, Victor...getting divorced really kicked my ass. I'm sorry. Just...next time I get married, I've gotta be sure. Victor:Okay, I get it. I just wish there was a way I could prove how much I love and adore you.
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Gabrielle:Well, if you can choke down that lousy waffle I made you, that'd be a start. (He folds the waffle in half, then starts stuffing it in his mouth. Gabrielle laughs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Ian and Susan are taking groceries out of her car. Ian looks across the street to where Mike is watering his front yard with a hose.) Ian:Oh, there's Mike. Should we see if he's free Friday night? Susan:Yeah. Yeah, why not? Sure. You know what? Do you wanna run this ice cream side before it melts? (Ian takes the bag Susan gives him and goes inside. Susan runs over to Mike's.) Susan:Look, Ian is going to come invite you to dinner friday, and you are not--I repeat--not going to accept. Mike:Why is Ian inviting me to dinner? Susan:He wants to thank you for saving us, and he wants to show that he's not jealous of you. How's that for irony? Mike:I didn't plan to kiss you, but you didn't exactly resist. Susan:I was in shock. Mike:Why were you so upset when you mentioned Ian? Susan:Because we had just had a fight...about you. Mike:Really? You talk about me a lot? Susan:Mike, I am marrying Ian. We have hired a caterer. We are going with the salmon, so just back off! (Ian walks up to them.) Mike:Hey, Ian. Susan:Hi, Ian. I just asked Mike. He can't make it. Mike:Yeah, I'm sorry. I've got plans tonight. Ian:Oh, but didn't we say friday? Mike:Friday? Oh, Friday I'm wide open. Ian:Splendid! Shall we say seven thirty? Mike:It's a date. (Ian and Susan walk away. Susan turns around to glare at Mike, who waves and smiles at her.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Epstein's house] (Carlos and Edie walk up to Mrs. Epstein's house. She comes out the front door and hands Edie her keys.) Mrs. Epstein:Edie! Edie:Mrs. Epstein! Mrs. Epstein:Listen, I'm late for my Hadassah meeting. Here's the key. Take your time. Oh, and don't be shy. Check out those closets. They're very spacious. (She leaves and Carlos and Edie go inside the house.) Carlos:Edie, what are we doing here? Edie:Checking out a house. Carlos:I told you, I'm not looking to buy right now. Edie:Well, who's talking about buying anything? I...am giving it away. Carlos:Edie, we cannot have sex in here. It's someone else's bed! That's just wrong! Edie:Look, we can't use my place. We can't use yours. But I'll be damned if I am gonna pay for a hotel room when there are all of these empty houses all over town that I have the keys to. Mary Alice Voiceover:Though reluctant at first, Carlos soon saw the wisdom in Edie's plan. Secret affairs are a lot like real estate. The three keys to success are location...location...location. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Lynette's house] (The kids are seated around the table and Lynette helps Tom sit down.) Tom:Careful. I can't sit down that fast. Lynette:Sorry. I'm sorry. But it's gonna be worth it. Okay, so tell Tom the secret of your risotto. Rick:Well, I saute spinach and onions in white wine-Lynette:No, no, the profit margin. Rick:Uh, basically, it costs a dollar to make-Lynette:And we charge twenty dollars! Four people who would've shared a fifteen dollar pizza are now spending eighty bucks. Okay, kids, dig in! Tom:There's just one little problem with that, Lynette. Lynette:Yeah? Tom:Those families you're talking about have kids, and there's no kid that's gonna eat anything with spinach in it. Lynette:Um, Tom. . . (She gestures to the kids, who are eating the risotto.) Lynette:It's delicious, huh? Kids:Mm-hmm! Oh, yeah! Lynette:Yeah? Rick learned how to make this in italy. Go ahead. Try it. I wanna see what you think. Tom:It's good. Porter:It's awesome! Tom:It's good. Lynette:But? Tom:But it's just not us. Lynette:Us? What is us? Tom:Look, we're a neighborhood pizza place. We serve pizza. Porter:I like this better. I'm getting bored of pizza. Tom:Porter, the adults are talking. Look, we serve good food at good prices. We're not looking to be the next, you know, trendy flash in the pan. Rick:That's--that's not what I'm looking for either. Um, see, my food-- it's not trendy. It's classic. Tom:Rick...obviously you're a great cook, and when you have your own place, I will definitely eat there, but I see no reason to change my menu. (Next to Tom, Penny pushes her plate forward.) Penny:More, please! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's house] (A guy in his twenties knocks on Victor's front door. Gabrielle answers it.) Gabrielle:Hi! Can I help you? Guy:Uh, yeah, I'm here to see Mr. Lang. Gabrielle:He's not here. Is that for him? Guy:Yeah. But it's very personal. Gabrielle:Okay. Guy:I don't think I should leave it with the maid. Gabrielle:Do I look like the maid? Give me that! (She grabs the envelope from him and closes the door. Once she's alone, she opens the envelope. Inside are black-and-white photographs of Victor and Gabrielle, half-dressed in the elevator. With the pictures is a note that reads: "Victor Lang if you want the negatives, I demand $50,000! Do not call the police! I will contact you!
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") (Gabrielle rushes outside to where the guy is still walking down the sidewalk.) Gabrielle:You! Blackmailer! Guy:Oh, man, you weren't supposed to look! (He begins to run and she chases after him. She catches up to him and jumps on his back. He falls to the ground and she grabs his hair and begins twisting his arm.) Guy:Get off of me! Ow! Gabrielle:No! Fifty thousand dollars? Are you insane?! Guy:No, that's not for you to decide! Gabrielle:I want all the negatives of those photos, or I start breaking fingers! Guy:No, you can't break my fingers! Come on! Aah! Gabrielle:Give me the pictures! (A cop car drives by, sees them, and heads in their direction. The cops pull Gabrielle off the guy.) Cop:Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, break it up! Break it up! Come on! Come on! Guy:She's crazy! She's crazy! (She kicks him.) Gabrielle:That's for calling me a maid! (Later, the guy is arrested and Gabrielle is talking with the cop.) Cop:He works the hotel security monitors. That's how he got the photos. Gabrielle:That miserable cockroach. Well, if you wanna smack him around a little, I can go inside and turn up the radio. Cop:Again, no, thank you, but I will need those photos. Gabrielle:Oh, no, no, I'm gonna hang on to these. They're a little revealing. Cop:Ma'am, we can't charge him without evidence, and if he walks, he can do what he wants with the originals. Gabrielle:Okay...yeah. But guard them with your life. Yeah, especially that one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (The three boys are outside. Tom and Lynette are inside, arguing loudly.) Lynette:We've been open for three months now, and we've barely turned a profit! Tom:We are building a customer base! That takes time! (Parker tosses the basketball he's holding to Preston. Preston tosses it back.) Parker:Go on, ask her. Preston:No, you ask her! (Inside the house, Lynette and Tom are still arguing.) Lynette:Why are you being so stubborn?And you would rather see the restaurant fail than succeed with Rick's idea! Tom:And I can't believe that you two are ready to toss out my concept! You know, why don't you just rename the restaurant "Lynette and Rick's"? (Parker walks inside.) Parker:Can we have fudgsicles? Tom and Lynette:No! (Parker leaves.) Tom:Sorry, Lynette, but the menu is not changing. End of discussion. Lynette:I don't think so. I'm giving it a try. Tom:That's not your decision to make.
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Lynette:Yeah? Well, then why don't you come down to the restaurant and stop me? Oh, that's right. You can't. (Outside, Parker goes back up to the twins.) Parker:I told you she'd say no. Preston:Mrs. McCluskey always has some fudgsicles. Porter:Yeah, but she's in the hospital. (They turn to look at Mrs. McCluskey's house and they all smile. Later, Parker climbs into Mrs. McCluskey's basement through an open window and goes over to the freezer. He opens it, pulls out the box of fudgsicles and takes one out. It's completely soft and it bends in his hands. He puts it back and then sees the dead body in there. His eyes open wide. A few minutes later, he leaves the house via the front door. The twins run up to him.) Porter:Where's the ice cream? Parker:She didn't have any. Porter:Oh, man! There wasn't anything good in there? Parker:No. (The twins go back to the house. For a few minutes, Parker stands alone on Mrs. McCluskey's lawn, eyes still wide.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's house] (Victor's press agent, Jerome, is looking at a newspaper with a headline that reads "Lang sexcapade caught on tape! ") Jerome:What the hell were you thinking? Gabrielle:How was I supposed to know the cops were gonna release the photos to the press? Jerome:Everybody in town knows the police chief is the mayor's brother-in-law--everyone! Victor:Enough, Jerome! I want you to organize a press conference, and then I want you to help me prep for it. Jerome:Well, this is gonna be a bloodbath. I don't know how you're gonna prep. Victor:Just get me a bucket of piranhas, and I'll stick my head in it. (Jerome leaves.) Gabrielle:You know, you're a single guy. Maybe people won't care. Victor:I'm running a family values campaign, and I had sex in an elevator. I think they will care. Gabrielle:Look, I know this is my fault, so if you wanna bite my head off, go ahead. Victor:You know, Gaby, there are only two things that matter to me these days-- my campaign and you. And if I had to lose one of them, I'd rather it was the campaign. Gabrielle:Is there anything I can do? Victor:Uh, yeah, you can stick around on election night. I have a feeling I'm gonna need some serious consoling. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan tries some food from a platter that the caterer, Maggie, has put out for her.) Susan:Mmm! God, that is so good! Maggie:I know. It's hard to decide, huh? Susan:No. No, I'm gonna go with the crab cakes and the little quesadillas. Well, all we need is a wedding cake, and we're done. Maggie:You are the most decisive bride I've ever met. Susan:I just guess I'm in a rush. Maggie:Oh? Oh, gotcha. Well, don't worry. You are not showing at all. Susan:Oh, no, no, no. No, I'm not pregnant. No, I just know know what I want, which is Ian. So I'm just eager
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to you know, no- not get it over with, per se, but just to get to the good part, which is the marriage to Ian. Maggie:Seems like a great guy. I don't suppose he has a brother. Susan:Oh, so you're not seeing anyone? Maggie:No, I'm between disappointments. Susan:Well, are you free for dinner tomorrow? Maggie:Is this some lame setup? Please say yes. Susan:Well, there's this guy coming to dinner, and he is single and handsome and charming and... Maggie:You had me at 'guy.' So how do you know him? Susan:Oh, uh...he's just a neighbor. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Parker opens up the freezer and stands there, looking inside.) Lynette: Hey, buddy, whatcha doing? Parker:Nothing. Lynette:You seem a little mopey lately. Is everything okay? Parker:Yeah. Can we go see Mrs. McCluskey? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Lynette and Parker are visiting Mrs. McCluskey in the hospital.) Mrs. McCluskey:You guys didn't have to come down here. No matter what that CAT scan says, I'm breaking out tomorrow. Lynette:Well, Parker really wanted to come visit you. I'm gonna put a little water in these. (She leaves with a vase of flowers.) Mrs. McCluskey:Don't tell your brothers. you were always my favorite. Parker:I saw the man in your freezer. Mrs. McCluskey:Lynette! Lynette:Yeah? (Lynette comes back in the room.) Mrs. McCluskey:Lynette! Could you run down to the snack bar and get me some green Jell-O? Lynette:Oh, sure! (She leaves.) Mrs. McCluskey:Okay, time for a little grown-up talk. (She pats the bed and Parker sits down on it. A few minutes later, Lynette comes back and before opening the door, looks inside. She smiles as she sees Mrs. McCluskey and Parker having what appears to be a friendly conversation.) Mrs. McCluskey:So can you understand now why I had to do what I did? And how you can never tell anyone, not even your mom? (Lynette comes in.) Lynette:Hey, they didn't have Jell-O, so I hope pudding is okay. Mrs. McCluskey:Uh...yeah, let's--let's give it to Parker. A good boy like him deserves a treat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[House] (Carlos and Edie are lying in a bed in an empty house. Edie cuddles up to Carlos.) Edie:What are you thinking about? Carlos:Just...this room doesn't really work. It's just too sterile. Can we go back to that spanish colonial on third?
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Edie:Sure. Fine. You know what i was thinking? I'm really happy, and I haven't felt this happy in a long time. How about you? Are you happy? (A male real estate agent walks into the room with customers about to follow him in.) Russell:Oh, my god! Oops, sorry. Bed's not made. (He closes the door and turns to Edie and Carlos.) Edie:Russell! Russell:Why don't you check out the subzero in the kitchen? Edie:Russell! Russell:It's to die. Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else. Edie:Oh, please, I heard about your open house on holly drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi. Russell:Slut. Edie:bi*ch. (Russell leaves. Edie and Carlos get out of bed and begin getting dressed.) Carlos:You think he's gonna tell anyone? Edie:He's a gay realtor. He's speed-dialing as we speak. Carlos:Then go stop him. Edie:What's the big deal? Who cares if people find out? Carlos:I do. Edie:Why? Are you embarrassed to be dating me? Carlos:No! It's...you know, if Gaby finds out, she's gonna hit the ceiling. Edie:Oh, why would she care? She's dating that Victor guy. Carlos:Please, that's not gonna last. Edie:Oh, my god. You're still in love with her. Carlos:No, I just...look, I mean, we've been getting along, and don't wanna... Edie:I don't know who the bigger moron is--you or me. Carlos:Hey, don't be like this. Look, we're having fun, right? Edie:Apparently that's all we're having. Carlos:Edie, come on! Edie:No, fun's over. (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Ian lets Mike into the house.) Ian:Ah, Mike. Thanks for coming. Mike:Thanks for asking me. (Mike gives Ian a hug.) Mike:Susan. (Mike holds open his arms and Susan has no choice but to hug him.) Susan:Hi. Um, Mike, I want you to meet Maggie Gilroy. (Maggie walks into the room. Later, Mike follows Susan into the living room.) Mike:I don't believe this. You're setting me up? Susan:You need to move on, okay? Mike:I don't wanna move on. I came here to see you. Susan:Well, I'm not available, so if you feel like kissing someone tonight, point those lips at Maggie. (Ian and Maggie walk in.) Ian:Here we go--your beer.
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Susan:Did I mention that Maggie is an amazing chef? We're embarrassed to be cooking for her. Maggie:Stop. So, um, Mike, do you have a favorite type of cuisine? Mike:Nah. After three months of prison food, everything tastes good to me. Maggie:So you were in prison? Susan:He was totally innocent. Mike:Yeah, a woman was bludgeoned to death, and her blood wound up on my wrench. Maggie:Oh, my god. Susan:But he was cleared. All charges dropped. Here. Eat this. (She shoves an hors d'oeuvre into his mouth.) Maggie:It's just so awful. I mean, to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit. Mike:Oh, it was just a few months. Now my first stretch for manslaughter...that was brutal. (Later, at dinner, Mike continues talking about his time in prison.) Mike:My worst cellmate was this guy called "stilts." When they arrested him, they found a bowl full of ears. (Susan kicks Maggie.) Maggie:Ow! I-I think that was meant for you. Susan:Sorry. Ian:So why don't I just go and brew some coffee? Maggie:And, uh, I brought a little surprise for dessert-- wedding cakes for you to sample. Susan:Great. (Maggie and Ian leave.) Susan:Thanks a lot. Now Maggie thinks you're Charles Manson. Mike:I don't care. I love you. Susan:Don't say that. Mike:It's true. I remember everything now. When i got run over, I was on my way to propose to you. Susan:I don't wanna talk about it. Mike:I do. What would you have said? Susan:You know what I would have said. It doesn't matter now. Mike:The hell it doesn't. Susan, if you can look me in the eye and tell me that when we kissed, you felt nothing, then I'll just go, but only if you can say that and really mean it. Can you? (Maggie and Ian come back in the room.) Maggie:Who wants wedding cake? (Later, the four of them are eating from two different cakes.) Susan:Maggie, these cakes are fantastic. Maggie:Great. Well, all you have to do is choose one, and we're done. Did you notice the themes? Susan:Themes? Maggie:Yes. This one is very British--fondant icing and toffee ganache. (Ian sits down in front of that cake.) Maggie:And this is your classic American--white cake with buttercream frosting. (Mike sits down in front of that cake.) Maggie:So which one do you like the best? Susan:Wow. It's kinda hard to decide. Maggie:Well, that depends on what you're looking for--rich and elegant...or down-to-earth and sweet? Susan:I don't know. Maggie:You want to taste 'em again? Susan:No, I know what they taste like. I'm just torn, okay? Maggie:There's no need to get upset. It's--it's just a cake.
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Susan:It's not just a cake. It's a major decision! Maggie:Well, hey, if you like 'em both so much, why don't--why don't you have two cakes? Susan:How would that look? "Oh, hey, everybody! Here's my wedding cake. Oh, and what's that over there? It's my other wedding cake. I have to pick, and I will! So just stop pressuring me, okay? I'm sorry. I think I was just having a little sugar rush. (She sits down as everyone stares at her.) (Later, Ian walks Maggie out to her car.) Ian:Thanks again, and sorry. (Maggie drives off without saying anything. Ian walks back inside. Susan is washing dishes. Mike is standing very close to her.) Mike:Seriously, just put it on hold for just a month or two. Ian:Excuse me. Am I interrupting something? Susan:No. It's nothing. Mike:I think it's time to level with him. I just told Susan I want her back. Ian:Excuse me? Mike:Look, I know it puts a crimp in your plans, and I'm sorry, but I love her. Ian:Well, that's too damn bad, isn't it? Because she doesn't love you. Mike:Really? She didn't seem to mind when I kissed her. Ian:What? Did he just kiss you? Susan:No. It--it was days ago. Ian:And you let him? Susan:No! He--he pounced. Mike:It was hardly a pounce. Ian:You bastard. We...we had an agreement. Mike:Susan doesn't have to marry you because you won her in a game of cards. (Susan looks shocked.) Mike:What, he didn't tell you how we played poker for you? Susan:You bet me in a game of poker? Ian:It's not--not how it sounds. I merely suggested that-- that if I won the hand, then he--he would stop badgering you. Susan:And if he won? Ian:Well, I-I forget the exact terms, but the point is, he lost, as I knew he would. I never would have wagered you if I didn't have a very good hand. Susan:Get out! Ian:Susan, please. Mike:You heard her. Susan:You, too. I've had it with both of you. You're tugging at me like I'm some kind of wishbone. Ian:You're just upset. Susan:No, I am beyond upset. You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide. There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake! (She runs upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette is sitting at a table, adding up the day's profits. Rick puts a plate of food next to her.) Lynette:What's this? Rick:Uh, pumpkin sage ravioli. It's a little thank you for taking a chance on me.
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Lynette:Are you kidding? I should be thanking you. We took in three grand tonight. (Rick lights a candle that's sitting at the table.) Lynette:Oh, wow. Candles, too? Rick:Yeah, I think we should use 'em all the time. It softens up the ambience. So come on. Eat. Lynette:Oh. Oh, my god. If we serve this for tomorrow's special, will will clear four grand. Rick:Great. Uh...just be sure to run it by Tom. Lynette:Why? You know he'll just shoot it down. I mean, I get it. He's in pain. He doesn't like being sidelined, but that is no reason to...you know what?Let's talk about something else. Rick:Yeah, sure. Lynette:I mean, unless you'd like to go. You're here so late all the time. Rick:No. No, I like being here. It beats going home to an empty apartment. Lynette:Don't you have any friends to hang out with? Rick:My friends come in two varieties--the ones I drove away bere I got clean and the ones I should avoid if I wanna stay clean. Lynette:Oh, yeah. I gotcha. (Lynette takes down her hair in preparation for putting it up again more neatly.) Rick:You ever wear your hair down? Lynette:What? Yeah, sometimes. Why? Rick:It looks really good. You should do it more often. Lynette:Oh, well...thanks. This is delicious. Rick:Thanks. Do you want some more wine? Lynette:Sure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Kayla comes into the room where Tom is resting. She's holding a newspaper.) Kayla:Daddy! The paper has a story about your restaurant. Tom:You're kidding! Well, come--come here. What does it say? (Kayla sits on the bed and begins reading.) Kayla:When Scavo's Pizzeria opened its doors, you could almost hear the city groan, 'just what we need-another pizza joint.' But with an updated menu from new chef Rick Coletti...Rick Coletti. Is he the man who cooked us that really, really-Tom:Yeah, that's the one. What, what else does it say, honey? Kayla:There's more than just crayons on the table. The veal piccata is divine, and the mushroom risotto is an...e-x-q-u-Tom:Exquisite. Kayla:An exquisite treat. Scavo's has been transformed from a mundane family eatery into the area's hottest-Tom:That's enough, Kayla. Daddy's tired. Kayla:Okay. (She hands the newspaper to him and leaves. He folds the paper over without looking at it. One of the headlines on the other side of the page reads "More Fallout From Lang Bang.") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Press Conference] (Victor is at the podium with dozens of reporters in front of him at the press conference.) Victor:Okay, I know you guys like a good scandal, but I think the citizens of fairview are more interested in the real issues.
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Reporter:Mr. Lang, given your fifteen point drop in the polls, what do you have to say to your constituents? Victor:Well, I would ask them to, uh, not base their view of me on a single lapse of... (In the audience, Gabrielle whispers to Jerome.) Gabrielle:It's not going very well, is it? Jerome:You picked up on that, did you? (The reporters continue to ask questions.) Reporter:Who is she, Mr. Lang? Give us a name. Victor:No, I will not identify the woman. Reporter:What are you hiding? Is she a prostitute? Victor:No! She's not a prostitute. I'll answer questions one at a time, people. (Gabrielle begins walking forward.) Gabrielle:That does it. Jerome:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Gaby, stop, please. Please, stop. Gabrielle:Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. (Gabrielle steps up on stage next to Victor.) Gabrielle:I am the woman in the photos! Victor:What are you doing? Gabrielle:Standing by my man. Reporter:What's your name? Gabrielle:My name is Gabrielle Marquez, and I want you to know, right before those photos were taken, Victor asked me to marry him. Reporter:What did you say? Gabrielle:I said yes. I would be thrilled to be Mrs. Victor Lang. Reporters:Are you gonna get married? Have you set a date? Are you really getting married? Gabrielle:In fact, I was so overcome, that when we were trapped in the elevator, I seized the moment to express my joy. Reporter:So this is a love story? Gabrielle:The only reason Victor kept it from you was to protect me because he's the kind of man who puts a woman's honor before his own, and that's the kind of man you marry. That's the kind of man you vote for. Reporter:Where are you honeymooning? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskey's house] (Ida Greenberg picks up Mrs. McCluskey's mail and uses the spare key to let herself into Mrs. McCluskey's home. As soon as she opens the front door, her nose wrinkles.) Ida:What's that smell? (A few minutes later after she's gone to investigate and she begins to scream.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Mrs. McCluskey is sleeping when she's woken up by two police officers.) Cop:Ma'am. Are you Karen McCluskey? Mrs. McCluskey:That little bastard gave me up, didn't he? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Carlos is making lunch for himself. The TV is on in the background with the channel set to the local news station.)
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Reporter:Today, at the mayoral candidate's press conference, a woman identified as Gabrielle Marquez, a former model, surprised reporters by announcing her engagement to Mr. Lang. Gabrielle:The only reason he didn't tell you was because he was protecting me. (Edie walks in.) Edie:Carlos? I don't know if you've heard... Carlos:Yeah. I heard. (On the TV, Gabrielle is still talking.) Gabrielle:In a few months, I will be Mrs. Victor Lang. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom settles himself carefully into a chair with a fan blowing at his face. Lynette is getting ready to leave.) Lynette:I just heard on the radio the power company is still having problems, and there might be another rolling blackout today. Do you want me to leave Ida's number in case something happens? Tom:I'm sure I'll be fine. Lynette:Did you read our review in the paper? Tom:Yep. Lynette:Okay. I'm off. (She leaves. The power goes out.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Power-- it's the type of thing most people don't think about...until it's taken away. Whether it's the political power of the many...or a lover's influence over just one...we all want some sort of power in our lives...if only to give ourselves choices. Yes, to be without choices, to feel utterly powerless, well...it's a lot...like being alone...in the dark. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X20: Gossip -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives... Parker:I saw the man in your freezer. Mary Alice Voiceover:Mrs.Mccluskey and Parker shared a secret... Mrs.Mccluskey:You can never tell anyone. Mary Alice Voiceover:But the secret was discovered. Susan:You bet me in a game of poker? Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan was forced to make a decision. Susan:Get out. There will be no kissing,and there will be no wedding. Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette ventured into dangerous territory. Rick:You ever wear your hair down? Lynette:Sometimes. Rick:Looks really good. Lynette:Thanks. Edie:Are you embarrassed to be dating me? Carlos:If Gaby finds out, she's gonna hit the ceiling. Mary Alice Voiceover:Edie came to a disturbing realization.
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Edie:Oh, my god. You're still in love with her. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Gaby took a bold step. Gabrielle:In a few months, I will be Mrs.Victor Lang.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] Gabrielle:I don't know my own strength.. Mary Alice Voiceover:The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasn't hurt by the chauffer who almost slammed a door on her fingers...or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand...or the waiter who almost dropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielle's injury came about in a more unexpected fashion and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend. (Gabrielle and Lynette are at a table when a waiter stops by with two glasses of wine. Lynette takes them.) Lynette:Thank you. So have you told Bree about your engagement? Gabrielle:Yep. She's on the top of a Swiss Alp and still managed to send a basket of muffins. Lynette:You're kidding. Gabrielle:No. Damn things traveled five thousand miles, and they were still moist. Lynette:I don't know how she does it. Hey, it's getting late. Let's break out the champagne. Gabrielle:Wait, wait. You're not gonna embarrass me with some sappy toast, are you? Lynette:I'm not, but Susan's written a poem. Gabrielle:A poem? Lynette:She's reworked the lyrics to "Wind Beneath My Wings." (They both look over to where Susan is standing with a microphone and holding a piece of paper.) Susan:Testing. One, two, three, testing. (Gabrielle turns to Lynette.) Gabrielle:What are you waiting for? Get the champagne. Lynette:Okay. (Lynette leaves. Gabrielle starts walking over to the bar. Edie walks up to her.) Edie:Hey, Gaby. Gabrielle:Hi, Edie! Edie:So I finally met Victor. He is so charming. Gabrielle:Isn't he great? I know it's been quick, but he's just so amazing. Edie:So you really love him? He is the one? Gabrielle:He is, and I've never been happier. Edie:I am so thrilled for you. Gabrielle:Edie, are you okay? Edie:Yes! Oh, yes. Yes, I'm--I'm fine. I... Gabrielle:Oh, sweetie. Don't worry. You're gonna find someone soon. I just know it. What? Edie:Well, actually, I have found someone. And I am...crazy about him. Gabrielle:Well, who is it? Edie:Oh, no. No, no. Tonight is about you. Gabrielle:Oh, no, no, Edie. Come on. It would make me happy to know who's making you happy. Edie:Really? Gabrielle:Yeah! I wanna know who's putting that dopey grin on your face. Edie:Well, actually, it's...Carlos. Gabrielle:Who? Edie:Carlos. I've been seeing Carlos. (The glass of wine that Gabrielle is holding shatters as Gabrielle squeezes it too tightly.)
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Mary Alice Voiceover:And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] Woman:Greg is definitely off the wagon. Last week... Mary Alice Voiceover:Gossip--for most housewives, it's just a harmless form of recreation, an exchange of semi-interesting tidbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know. Ida Greenberg:That mailman was in Sarah's house over an hour. Packages weren't all he's delivering. Woman:I could smell the whiskey on Amy's breath. It wasn't even noon yet. Woman:Joanne may say that she was off on a religious retreat, but since when does praying make your boobs bigger? Mary Alice Voiceover:But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens, and that's when gossip stops being recreation and becomes...obsession. (Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle stand in front of Lynette's house, watching Mrs. McCluskey's house.) Gabrielle:What kind of woman would keep her husband's body in the freezer? Susan:For ten years? It's crazy. Has anybody talked to her? Lynette:I've knocked twice. She's not answering. Susan:Oh, I saw the curtain move. I think I saw a hand. Lynette:Oh, great. Now we know she's watching us. Gabrielle:Why should we be embarrassed? We're not the ones who kept a corpse-icle in the basement. Susan:Oh, that's right. She babysat your kids. Lynette:Oh, please, I don't want to think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean, jeez, if you want to keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer. Susan:Do you think she actually killed him? Gabrielle:Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body? Lynette:Well, so far, she's only been charged with improper disposal of a corpse. Gabrielle:But once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, I guarantee you they're gonna find a bellyful of arsenic. Parker:What's arsenic? (The three women turn around to find Parker standing there.) Lynette:It's just-- it's something yucky, honey. Go on and play with your ball. Go on. (Parker leaves.) Lynette:We're trying so hard to protect them from this. There are just some things that kids don't need to know about. Susan:Hell, there's some things we don't need to know about. (Gabrielle looks over at Edie's place, where Edie is putting the trash out.) Gabrielle:Would you guys excuse me? (She leaves.) Gabrielle:Hey, Edie! Edie:Oh, hi, Gaby! What's up? Gabrielle:I've been doing some thinking, and you know how...how do I put this? You know how you feel like sometimes people hate you? Edie:I don't feel like that. Gabrielle:We, you should, 'cause they do.
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Edie:Since when? Gabrielle:Since you started doing things to piss people off. Edie:About what? Gabrielle:Oh, I don't know. Off the top of my head...dating your friends' exes. Edie:Oh. Oh, so that big smile on your face the other night was all an act. You're not fine with me seeing Carlos. Gabrielle:Edie, there are a thousand single men in Fairview. Why do you have to date my ex-husband? Edie:You're engaged to somebody else! What do you care? Gabrielle:It's awkward! It's--it's like if I donated a dress to charity, and I went to a party, and you showed up wearing it. Edie:Again, if you gave it away in the first place, then what the hell are you bi*ching about? Gabrielle:Look, Edie, just find your own men and stop snapping up other people's castoffs! Edie:And what if I don't? Gabrielle:Then be prepared to suffer the consequences. Edie:Oh, please. You are as tall as my legs. What are you gonna do? Gabrielle:You're about to find out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan and Julie are putting away groceries when the doorbell rings. Julie looks out the window.) Susan:Who is it this time? Julie:Um... it's Ian. You gonna talk to him? Susan:No. Julie:Uh, he's got flowers. Susan:I don't care. Julie:Looks like it's two dozen roses. Susan:Oh, good. I hope the thorns rip him to shreds. Julie:Okay, mom, I know what Mike and Ian did was wrong, but-Susan:They bet me in a game of poker. They made decisions about my life over a hand of five-card stud. Wrong does not even begin to cover it. Julie:Okay, okay, but there are only two guys in this world who know all of your flaws and have still found a way to love you. You're just gonna toss 'em both away? Susan:Yes. I don't need a man. I don't even need sex. I went without it the first sixteen years...twenty-two years of my life, and I can go a few more. (Julie looks out the window again.) Julie:This should be interesting. Susan:What? Julie:Mike just walked up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Mike leans against the fence as he begins talking to Ian.) Mike:Give it up. She didn't answer the first ten times. She's not gonna answer it now. Oh, this is getting sad. Take it like a Brit-- stiff upper lip. Ian:You know what? I've just about bloody had it with you. I preferred you when you were comatose and pooping in a bag! Mike:Well, lucky for you, I don't have that bag right now. Ian:All right, that does it.
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(Ian throws down the roses and stalks towards Mike. Julie opens the door.) Julie:Uh, excuse me? Guys? Hi. Um, my mom would really like for both of you to leave. (From inside, behind the door, Susan prompts Julie on what to say.) Susan:Don't soft-pedal it. Let 'em know I mean business. Julie:Uh, 'cause if you-- if you don't, she'll be very, very disappointed. Susan:Rip 'em! Julie:So just, um...go home and think about what you've done. (Susan hits Julie in the leg.) Julie:If you want something bi*chier, do it yourself! (The door closes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (In the deserted restaurant, Rick places a plate of food in front of Lynette, who's sitting at a table.) Rick:Here we are--ravioli stuffed with duck confit in a porcini cream sauce. What do you think? Lynette:I think it's a shame you didn't make any for yourself. (She reaches out and pulls Rick's plate of food towards her slightly. Her phone rings. She answers it and it's Tom.) Lynette:Hi, honey. Tom:Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. Lynette:Aren't you sweet? What's that noise in the background? Are the boys still up? Tom:Yeah, they don't want to go to bed. Lynette:Well, of course they don't. They're kids. You're the dad. Make 'em. Tom: Well, I tried, honey, but they wanna wait up for you. They...they miss their mom. Lynette:Ah, is this your way of guilting me into coming back home? Tom:Lynette, the--the restaurant did close a half-hour ago. Preston, don't throw pudding! Lynette:Oh, Tom...I'm sorry. I can't come home. We're, um...doing inventory, so...it could be a while. Tom:Well, okay. Try to hurry? Lynette:I will. I love you. Bye. (She hangs up.) Rick:Inventory? Lynette:I know. I'm a horrible person. I just chose ravioli over motherhood. I should--I should go home. Rick:Lynette, you got nothing to feel guilty about. You bust your ass in this restaurant every day to keep it going, and if anybody deserves a little downtime, it's you. Lynette:Those are shameless rationalizations. Keep them coming. (She gestures to the ravioli.) Lynette:Those, too. (He feeds her a piece of ravioli.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's house] (Parker is standing outside the house, watching Mrs. McCluskey clean her front door. Tom walks outside slowly, leaning heavily on a cane.) Tom:There you are. What are you doing outside? Parker:Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McCluskey's house. Tom:Oh, jeez. They shouldn't have done that. Parker:We should go talk to her. Tom:No. It's late. Uh, she probably doesn't want us to bother her.
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Parker:Come on, bud. Bedtime. (They go inside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle is talking to Susan and Lynette.) Gabrielle:So here's what's gonna happen-- we're not talking to Edie anymore. Lynette:What do you mean, we? Gabrielle:I mean, we as in she betrayed me, and you're my best friends, so you're gonna support me because that's what friends do. Susan:And support you means...acting like we're in junior high? Gabrielle:I can't believe you're not furious at this. Before she sank her fangs into Carlos, she was dating your ex-husband and Mike. Susan:Yes, and do you know who I blame? I blame Karl and Mike. Why isn't anybody mad at them? I mean, let's face it. The men-- they get away with murder. They're scum! Lynette:Okay. Back to Edie...I'm not sure I'm comfortable ganging up on her. Gabrielle:Really? Because I wasn't very comfortable taking your side when you were feuding with Patty Monroe over the backyard fence line, but I did. Susan:Oh, Gaby, that's not fair. Nobody really liked Patty to begin with. Gabrielle:Don't even get me started about what I've done for you, okay? I'm still boycotting Madame Kim's Day Spa because of your botched bikini wax. Lynette:Oh, my god. How do you botch a bikini wax? Gabrielle:She will show you later! The point is, good friends share more than just gossip and brunch. They share enemies, too. So are you with me or not? Lynette:Of course we're with you. We will give Edie the cold shoulder. Gabrielle:No, no! Not cold, frozen! I want icicles hanging from that bi*ch's ears! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette walks in the house. Kayla is sitting at the kitchen table, putting together a jigsaw puzzle.) Lynette:Hello? Kayla:Hi. Lynette:Hey, do you still want me to look at that book report? Kayla:Daddy helped me yesterday. You weren't home. Lynette:Oh. Okay. Kayla:Daddy does everything lately. How come you always come home so late? Lynette:Well, I'm really busy at the restaurant. Believe me, I come home to daddy just as soon as I can. (She gives a little laugh.) Kayla:You're lying. Lynette:What? Kayla:You always laugh like that when you're telling a lie. (Kayla imitates the laugh.) Lynette:Why would you say that? Kayla:Because...it's true. Lynette:I stay late because there's a lot of work to do, and right now I'm the only person who can do it, and now I have to go to the grocery store because I am the only person who can do that, mm-hmm. So why don't you go upstairs and finish your homework? Kayla:Okay. But it is what you do.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Parking lot] (Susan is sitting in her car, waiting for a parking spot. The car in the parking spot leaves and before Susan can pull in, another car zooms in, stealing her spot. Susan rolls down her window.) Susan:Excuse me! Uh, hey! Excuse me. That's my space! Man:Yeah, well, I'm parked in it, so that kind of makes it my space. (Susan gets out of her car.) Susan:Hey, uh, I waited for that spot while the guy made three phone calls and flossed his teeth. You can't just steal it. Man:It's a parking space! Keep a lid on your hormones, honey. (Susan kicks him and he falls to the ground.) Man:God! You did that on purpose! Susan:Yeah, and I'm about to do this on purpose, too. (She grabs his keys and rushes over to his car. She gets inside and puts the keys in the ignition.) Man:Crazy bi*ch! What do you think you're doing?! What are you doing? What are you doing?! Susan:I'm taking my damn space! Man:Get out of my car. Get out of my car. (She rolls the window up so that his head is trapped in the car.) Man:Hey, hey! Susan:Say you're sorry. Man:Let me go! Susan:Say it! Man:Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Susan:Say, "I'm a rude, arrogant bastard who needs to treat women with courtesy and respect!" Man:I'm a rude, arrogant... how does the rest of it go? (Suddenly, cops show up.) Cop:Freeze! Was this man trying to steal your car? Man:It's my car! She--she tripped me and grabbed my keys. Cop:Is this true, ma'am? Susan:Oh, all right, take his side! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Carlos is sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. Edie is looking out the window at Lynette taking groceries out of her car.) Carlos:Hey, who you spying on? Edie:Lynette. She hasn't returned my last two phone calls. I think something's up. Carlos:She's probably just busy. Edie:Yeah, we'll see about that. I am calling her right...now. (She dials Lynette's cell phone number and watches through the window as Lynette takes out her cell phone, looks at the number, then puts it back in her purse.) Edie:Oh, my god! Carlos:What? Edie:She just screened me! I have been screened! Carlos:Maybe she's in a hurry. Edie:No, no, no. This has Gabrielle Solis written all over it. She is turning people against me.
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Carlos:And you're surprised? I told you how she'd react if she found out about us. Edie:Yeah? Well, if she wants to play these schoolgirl games, fine. 'Cause I invented 'em. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynette's house] (Edie walks towards Lynette.) Edie:Lynette! Hi! Lynette:Hey, hey! Edie:I just tried calling you. Lynette:Oh, really? My ringer must've been off. Edie:Oh, no prob. I wanted to invite you and the boys to Travers' birthday party on Saturday. Yeah, I'm having this reptile guy, and he's got all these cool snakes and lizards. Lynette:Oh! The boys would love that, but unfortunately, I gotta work. Edie:Well, that's a shame, because I was hoping you could cater. Lynette:Cater? Edie:Yeah, I'm gonna need pastas and salads for the parents and at least twenty pizzas for the kids. Lynette:Wow, that many? Edie:Yeah, and...well, you know kids. If one has a pizza party, they're all gonna want a pizza party. Hmm, could be good for business. Lynette:Well, yeah, I guess I could work somethin' out. Edie:Oh, I knew I could count on you! Love ya! (She kisses Lynette on the cheek, then turns and walks away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Therapist's office] (Susan is sitting on a couch in a therapist's office.) Susan:Look, whatever that court report says, I do not have anger issues. I was just having a bad day. Therapist:You threatened to decapitate a man over a parking space. Susan:A very bad day. Therapist:Susan, when someone loses it like you did, there's usually a reason. Are things going okay at work? Susan:Work is great. You could just sign that paper and tell the judge I'm fine. Therapist:What about your family? Susan:Family's terrific. Seriously, you're just wasting your time here. Therapist:How's your love life? (Susan bursts into tears. The therapist pushes a button on an intercom system.) Therapist:Cancel my lunch. I'm gonna be here for a while. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskey's house] (Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell.) Mrs. McCluskey:Will you stop ringing that damn...I'm sorry, Parker. I thought you were one of those little pissants who keep ringing the bell and running away. So what's on your mind? Parker:I want you to come back and babysit us. The new sitter stinks. Mrs. McCluskey:Your folks hired a new sitter? Parker:Yeah, and she thinks carrot sticks are snacks. Mrs. McCluskey:Well, that's rough, but...life's like that sometimes. Parker:It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was.
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Mrs. McCluskey:Parker, you see those women over there? Nothing I could say would stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry, kid, but...I just have to wait this one out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Therapist's office] (Susan is pacing.) Susan:Can you imagine? I mean, finding out that two men you trusted bet you in a poker game. I mean, how demeaning is that? Therapist:Well, it depends on how you look at it. Men have been waging contests over women for centuries. I grant you, poker isn't as romantic as, say, jousting, but it shows how they felt about you. The real question is how did you feel about them? Susan:I told you--hurt and betrayed. Therapist:No, how did you feel about them before this poker business? Susan:Well...I was engaged to Ian, so...obviously I loved him. Therapist:And Mike? Were you in love with him, too? Susan:How we doing on time? Therapist:Susan. Susan:Okay, fine, I loved him. I still love him, and I love Ian. So I am totally, hopelessly in love with two men. Therapist:Now we're getting somewhere. This is good. Susan:No, this is horrible! This wasn't supposed to happen! I only let myself fall for Ian 'cause I thought Mike was lost to me. And then bang! Suddenly he wants me back, and now I have this choice that I can't possibly make. Therapist:I agree. It's tough! Susan:It's devastating! If I go with Mike, Ian's heart will be broken, and Ian does not deserve that. But how can I reject Mike after all he's been through? Therapist:So you're just gonna walk away from both of them? You have to make a choice, sweetie. You've got two great guys, both of them crazy about you. To let one go--well, that's life.It happens. To let them both go... that's just... Susan:Stupid? Therapist:Yes. That would be the clinical term. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Rick is on the phone.) Rick:Sounds great. Thanks. (He hangs up and turns to Lynette.) Rick:Hey, how would you like to eat something that's neither pasta nor pizza? Lynette:Such food exists? Don't tease me. Rick:No, my--my friend, Al, he's opening a soul food place...and Sunday night, he wants to test the menu with some of his chef buddies. He said I could bring someone. Lynette:And--and--and you want me to go with you? Rick:It'll be after we close. And don't tell me that you hate southern food, 'cause then we can't be friends. Lynette:No, I love it. It's...it's just that's a little late for me, and... Rick:Oh, oh, oh.Okay. I-I just thought it'd be fun. Lynette:No, it would be, but Sunday nights are kind of crazy. I'm packing lunches and checking homework... Rick:Right, right. No worries.I get it. You're just, uh, first person I thought of. (He walks off. Lynette looks at him.) Lynette:You know, maybe I should go. Um... it's part of the job to check out the competition, right?
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Rick:Yeah, absolutely. It never hurts to see what else is out there. Lynette:I agree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Park] (Travers is having his birthday party in the middle of Wisteria Lane and half the neighborhood is there. Lynette is setting out the food.) Lynette:Hey, guys, go check out the snakes. I'll give you some pizza later, okay? (Ida walks by.) Ida:See you later. Lynette:All right, I'll see you later. (Some kids line up for food.) Lynette:Hey, you want some pizza? Kid:Yeah. Lynette:There you go. (Susan walks up.) Susan:Lynette! What are you doing here? Lynette:Edie asked me to cater. I know, I'm a total who*e, but please don't rat me out to Gaby. Edie:Hi, Susan! I have thirty copies of your book. The kids can't wait for you to sign it. Come on, let's go! Come on, come on! Lynette:Looks like we're working the same corner. Susan:Yeah, only I didn't know Edie was gonna have the party in a park. What if Gaby see us? Lynette:Trust me, we can both relax. I talked to her this morning, and she's out with Victor all day. Susan:Oh. Well, that's a relief. (Four kids look over at Mrs. McCluskey's house.) Kid:Go ahead. I dare ya. (One of them takes a small can of paint out of his pocket and runs up to Mrs. McCluskey's door where he paints WITCH on it. Parker comes up to them.) Parker:Hey! What's going on? Hey, don't do that! Kid:Why not? Parker:Because she's not a witch. Kid:How do you know? Parker:'Cause she isn't. Don't be a jerk. Kid:What is she, your girlfriend? Parker's in love! Parker:Shut up! (The kid shoves Parker. Mrs. McCluskey opens the front door. The four kids run off, leaving Parker behind.) Mrs. McCluskey:Hey, you boys! Knock it off! Parker, I'm so sorry. Are you all right? Parker:You know, everything would be okay if you'd tell people what you told me. You can make 'em stop. (He leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle drives her car up onto the driveway while talking on her cell phone.) Gabrielle:Hey, Lynette, it's Gaby. Victor got pulled into some photo op at the homeless shelter. So I'm free for lunch.You wanna go with? I tried Susan but she's not home, which is weird because her car's in the driveway and...so is yours. Where is everybody? (She ends the call and pulls out of her driveway. In the park, Lynette sees Gabrielle driving over. She runs over to Susan and pushes her onto the ground.)
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Lynette:Down! Down! Down! Aah! Susan:Lynette, what is wrong with you? Lynette:Gaby's coming. Susan:What? I thought you said she was with Victor. Lynette:I was wrong. I was wrong. Come on. Follow me. Follow me. (They start crawling on all fours across the lawn. One of the twins sees them.) Twin:Mommy, can I play? Lynette:No! Go ride the python! (to Susan) Come on. (They see the truck that the reptile man brought and they go inside.) Lynette:Okay, okay, she's circling the park. Susan:Ugh. I wish she'd hurry. I'm terrified of snakes. Lynette:Oh, yeah, I'm more terrified of Gaby. Okay, good, good. We're almost home free... (Lynette turns to face Susan and freezes.) Susan:What? Lynette:Don't turn around. (Susan turns around. A huge hairy spider is free of its cage. It rears back on its legs and hisses. Susan and Lynette run screaming from the truck and catch Gabrielle's attention, who stops her car and runs over to the)m. Gabrielle:Lynette! Susan! Lynette:Hey, Gab. Hi. Gabrielle:What are you two doing here? Susan:Uh, what are we doing here? Lynette:Well, Edie hired me to cater, so it's just business. I don't know what her excuse is. Susan:You are so dead. Gabrielle:I don't believe it. This is an absolute betrayal of our friendship. (Over to the side, Carlos and Edie look over as Gabrielle talks.) Lynette:Gaby, she asked me to make twenty pizzas. I couldn't turn it down. Edie:Oh, this is so delicious. Gabrielle:Is that what our friendship is worth to you--twenty pizzas? We had a pact! Lynette:Oh, come on, Gaby, be fair. You put us in a really awkward position. Gabrielle:Me? You two owe me an apology. Susan:No, Gaby, be reasonable. Gabrielle:I am leaving this party right now, and if you two don't come with me, our friendship is over. (Carlos starts walking over to them.) Lynette:Gaby! Susan:Oh, come on! Lynette:What? Gabrielle:Oh! No, I mean it. (Carlos doesn't stop when he gets to them, but just bends over, puts his shoulder in Gabrielle's stomach and lifts her up over his shoulder and keeps walking.) Gabrielle:Carlos, stop! Put me down! What are you doing?! (He walks her over to her car before putting her down.) Gabrielle:Stop it! Carlos, put me down! How dare you maul me like that! Carlos:You were ruining Travers' birthday party. What the hell is wrong with you? Gabrielle:I'm sorry. Betrayal makes me a little cranky. Carlos:Come on, Gaby, you can't tell Susan and Lynette who they're allowed to be friends with. It's ridiculous.
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Gabrielle:I'll tell you what's ridiculous. You not having the guts to tell me you were dating Edie. Carlos:Oh, here it is. Gabrielle:Yeah. I had to find out from her at my damn engagement party. Carlos:Well, I had to hear that you were engaged to that Victor guy on the news. Gabrielle:I didn't plan it that way. It was spur of the moment. Carlos:Oh, so you just said, hey, what the heck? You even in love with this guy? Gabrielle:Yes, deeply. Carlos:Must be nice. Gabrielle:Well, aren't you in love with Edie? Carlos:We're having fun together, but it'll never be serious. So...if I'm just dating, and you're in love and getting married...remind me again why it is that you get to be the angry one. Gabrielle:I'm sorry, Carlos. Carlos:You should be. (He walks away.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And for the first time, Gabrielle was willing to let Carlos be with someone else... (Carlos walks up to Edie and kisses her on the cheek.) Edie:Hey! Carlos:Hey. Mary Alice Voiceover:Because she knew... he still belonged to her. (Later, when the party is over, Edie shows the other women the leftover cake.) Edie:Feel free to take home as much cake as you want. I do not want to be tempted. Lynette:I might take a little for Tom and... (Mrs. McCluskey comes over.) Lynette:Hi, Mrs.McCluskey. Would you like some cake? Mrs. McCluskey:I didn't come for sweets. I know you people have been talking about me, and I guess the only way to shut you up is to come clean. So...who would like to hear the gruesome details? Edie:I would. Ida:Um...yeah. If--if you feel like it. Mrs. McCluskey:Well... first off--and I know this will disappoint some of you--but I didn't kill Gilbert. I came home from a weekend in Laughlin and found him in front of the TV--dead. He still had the remote in his hand. Edie:Good lord. Mrs. McCluskey:It was two A.M., so I decided to wait until morning to call the funeral home. And I went to his desk to make sure everything was in order. I found his pension plan...and guess what? In the event of his death, I was not the beneficiary. Susan:Who was? Mrs. McCluskey:His first wife. They were married when he started the job--for two years. We were together for thirty-four years, and that idiot didn't change the paperwork. I not only lost my Gilbert, but I was about to lose everything. So I, um...I, um... Lynette:You put him in the freezer and kept cashing the checks. Mrs. McCluskey:Well, what else was I gonna do? Besides, after a while, it was kind of nice having him around. Anyway... that's the truth. You ladies have my permission to pass it along...not that some of you ladies need it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Mike answers his door to find Susan standing there.) Susan:Probably weren't expecting to see me, huh? Mike:Well, after twenty unanswered calls...no, not really.
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Susan:About that, uh, obviously, have been very confused. I finally saw a therapist. Actually, it was sort of a court-ordered thing.Anyway...well, I need to talk to you. (Later, the two of them are sitting on Mike's porch steps.) Mike:You sound...sure. Susan:I am. I'm gonna marry Ian. Believe me, this wasn't easy, especially when you started to remember how it was between us. Maybe if the timing had been different... Mike:It wasn't. Susan:I'm sorry, Mike. Mike:Well, at least I have my memories. (He goes back inside.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (The restaurant is nearly empty with just Lynette and Rick there.) Rick:You ready to go? Lynette:Yeah. Um, I told Kim that we'd be out the rest of the evening and she's gonna lock up. Rick:Great.I'll, uh, just get my jacket. Lynette:Okay. (Rick leaves and Lynette takes some perfume from her purse and puts it on. Suddenly, the door opens and Tom comes in with the kids.) Tom:Hey! You got a table for seven? Lynette:Hey! Hi! What are you doing here? Tom:Well, the kids wanted to surprise you, and it's been forever since we've all had dinner together... Lynette:So...what--well, how did you get here? I mean, you're not supposed to...drive. Tom:I took a cab, a double-dose of the painkillers, and voila! You surprised? Lynette:Yeah, a little. Twin:We missed you. Lynette:Oh, I missed you, too. Hey, why don't you guys go grab that big table, and I will have Rick whip something up for us? (Tom hugs Lynette.) Tom:Hi. Wow, you smell good. Lynette:Oh. It must be the basil. It has a kind of sweet smell. (Tom gets the kids settled at the table.) Tom:Hey, Kayla, can you get a high chair for your sister, please? Kayla:Yeah. Tom:All right, who wants pizza? (Kayla goes over to where the booster seats are and sees Lynette talking with Rick.) Lynette:Oh, hi. Uh, change of plans. Rick:Yeah. Yeah, I see. Lynette:But...I'm sorry. You could still go. Rick:Oh, no. No, no. I'll stay. I'll cook for your family. Lynette:Thanks. Thank you. (She places her hand on his chest and smiles up at him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Kayla pulls a blanket over Tom.) Tom:Thanks, sweetie. You are taking such good care of me.
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Kayla:When's Lynette getting home? Tom:Oh, as soon as she closes up the pizzeria. Kayla:Mm. Is that guy Rick helping her? Tom:He better be, for as much as we're paying him. Kayla:I think Lynette likes him. Tom:Sure. He's a nice guy, hard worker. Kayla:No, I mean, she likes him, likes him. Tom:What makes you say that? Kayla:Just something I noticed. Well, good night, daddy. (She kisses him on the cheek and smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Ian and Susan are kissing.) Ian:Mrs. Susan Hainsworth--god, I love the sound of that. Or did you want to keep your name? Because I love the sound of that, too. As long as I get to call you my wife. Susan:Deal. Ian:You do realize we're gonna be blissfully happy, don't you? I mean, it could actually get a bit disgusting. People might throw fruit. Susan:Oh, I'm gonna lock up down here. Why don't you go upstairs and warm up the bed? Ian:You do realize we're gonna be great together, don't you? Susan:I know. (Ian leaves and Susan begins turning off the lights. She presses the "Play" button on the answering machine and Mike's voice begins speaking.) Mike:Hey, Susan. Um, I don't mean to bug you. There's just so much I didn't get to say. Um, I... god, I'm lousy at good-byes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me, and, well, I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Bye. Oh, this is Mike. (Ian comes back into the room silently without Susan noticing. He starts to go to her, but she pushes the "Play" button again and he stops. As the message plays again, he goes upstairs.) Mike:Hey, Susan. Um, I don't mean to bug you. There's just so much I didn't get to say. Um, I... god, I'm lousy at good-byes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me, and, well, I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Bye. Oh, this is Mike. (Upstairs, Susan goes into the bedroom to find Ian packing his bags.) Susan:Where are you going? Ian:Home...to England. Susan:To England? What's wrong? Ian:Well, it's just, um...I don't think this is going to work. Susan:What? But just ten minutes ago, we were making plans, and you were saying how great we were gonna be together. Ian:I, uh, saw you listening to that message from Mike. Susan:Well, Ian, I made my choice. Ian:But not for the right reasons. You're just trying to honor a promise you made to me. Susan:That's not true. I will get over him. Ian:You've been trying to get over him for as long as I've known you. Haven't had much luck, have you? Susan:Ian, I love you. Ian:I know you do. But you love him a little bit more, don't you? I can't live a life where every time I see you with a faraway look, I'll wonder if you're thinking of him. I'm so sorry. You deserve to be happy. And so do I.
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Good-bye, Susan. (He leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskey's house] (Mrs. McCluskey is getting her mail when Lynette walks up to her.) Lynette:Hey, Mrs. McCluskey. Mrs. McCluskey:Lynette. Lynette:Well, it turns out our new babysitter isn't working out too well. Feel up to another tour of duty? Mrs. McCluskey:Are you sure you want the Wisteria Witch looking after your kids? Lynette:My kids know you're not a witch. Mrs. McCluskey:Too bad. I could use the leverage. Lynette:We missed you. Mrs. McCluskey:Same here. I'm gonna need a raise, though. I'm kinda strapped. Lynette:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette walks into the kitchen where Tom is eating breakfast.) Lynette:I just talked to Mrs.McCluskey, and she is gonna start looking after our kids again. Tom:That's great! Lynette:Yeah. Tom:'Cause actually, have been thinking, and...it is time that I got back to work. Lynette:What? Tom:Yep. I'm feeling good. I'm gettin' around better. Lynette:But...but the doctor said your recovery would take months, and it's only been six weeks. Tom:Well, it's not like I'm gonna, you know, dead-lift a bag of ice, but I can sprinkle cheese on a pizza. Mm. Besides...I hate making you run that place by yourself. Lynette:I don't mind. Tom:Really? Because before, you said it was killing you. Lynette:Yeah, well, you know, it is, but I just don't want you to come back before you're ready. You might reinjure yourself. Tom:I'll be careful. The best part is we can finally get Rick off the books. Lynette:Rick? Why would we want to let him go? Tom:Well, I know he's been great, but, um, his salary is cutting into our profits. Lynette:Actually, he is bringing in more than enough business to cover his salary. I mean, with all those new dishes he's been cooking, he's got a lot of fans out there. Tom:Does he really? Lynette:Yeah. I think firing him would be a huge mistake. Tom:Well, it's just a thought. Lynette:Well, don't think so much. Just rest and get better. That's what you need to do. Tom:You gonna be late tonight? Lynette:Probably.We got a big party coming in at ten. So...mm-hmm. I'll just see you in the morning. Tom:I'll be here. Lynette:Okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan opens her front door to find Ida standing there.)
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Susan:Hi, Ida.What's up? Ida:That idiot postman mixed up our mail again. Susan:Oh, poor Mr. Henley. He does seem to be getting worse. Thanks for stopping by. Ida:Hey, have you heard about Mike? Susan:No. Uh, what about him? Ida:He moved. Susan:Moved? What do you mean? Ida:Mona Clarke was up at two in the morning with acid reflux, and she saw him pack his car and everything. Susan:Well, that doesn't make sense. Mike wouldn't leave without saying good-bye. Ida:Well, he did. According to Carlos, something bad happened, and Mike just wanted to get the heck out of dodge. It's a pity. I always liked him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] Mary Alice Voiceover:Gossip-- it's just a harmless form of recreation. It's careless talk that deals in polite fiction... (Two of the employees are working behind the counter.) Employee:I'd love to be assistant manager, but apparently, you have to flirt with Mrs. Scavo to get that job. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] Mary Alice Voiceover:It's nasty speculation that's based on not-so-polite fact... (Two women jog down the sidewalk.) Woman:He may be dating Edie, but everyone can see he's still in love with Gaby. (They jog past a small garden with a fence, behind which is Edie, hidden from view, reading a book.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskey's house] Mary Alice Voiceover:How do we protect ourselves from the venomous sting of such idle gossip? (Mrs. McCluskey is sweeping her sidewalk when a kid on a bicycle rides up.) Kid:A-are you the lady who kept her husband in her freezer? Mary Alice Voiceover:The best way is to just tell the truth... Mrs. McCluskey:Yep, that's me. Scary, aren't I? (The kid looks scared and pedals off.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X21: Into the woods -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette made excuses... Lynette:The restaurant did close a half-hour ago. Lynette:We're doing inventory. Mary Alice Voiceover:Carlos made a friend... Carlos:Nothing better than family. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Edie made a pass.
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Mary Alice Voiceover:Victor popped the question. Victor:Will you marry me? Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan let Mike down. Susan:I love you. Ian:But you love him a little bit more. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Ian... Ian:Good-bye, Susan. Mary Alice Voiceover:...let Susan go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover:It can happen to anyone--an old woman hears suspicious footsteps as she walks down the street...a businessman sees a reflection in his car window...a shop owner feels a blade... pressed against his back...and in that instant, an ordinary person is transformed into a victim. And a world that seemed so safe is suddenly filled with danger. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Lynette and Rick are eating dinner together in the empty restaurant.) Lynette:So this little ear-shaped pasta is called... Rick:Orecchiette. And the cubes of bacon are pancetta. Lynette:Thank God for Italian. You can charge way more for 'orecchiette with pancetta' than you'd ever get for 'bacon and little ears.' (He pours her some wine.) Lynette:Thank you. This is nice. Rick:It doesn't need more garlic? Lynette:No, I mean...everything--the food, the wine...you. I swear, there are times this is all that gets me through my day, knowing at the end of it, I get to steal this little half-hour where I'm not a mom or a wife or a...pizza slave. I'm just a...tired lady with a nice man who cooks for her. Rick:Well, it's the highlight of my day, too. (The door opens and two men walk in.) Rick:Sorry, guys. We're closed. Man:Yeah, we know. (The man pulls out a gun and points it at them.) Man:Put your cell phones on the table. Lynette:Oh, crap. (Later, the men push Rick and Lynette into the walk-in freezer in the back of the restaurant.) Man:Get in there. Don't make any noise. (He closes the door. Lynette runs to the door and tries the doorknob.) Lynette:Oh... my...God! Oh! Oh, my God! They locked us in here! It's forty-two degrees! We're gonna freeze to death! Rick:Listen, don't panic. I'm sure when you don't come home, Tom will come looking for you. Lynette:No, he won't. He takes a pain pill at ten. He's probably already asleep. Jeez. How are we gonna make it through the night in here? Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, in the moment it takes to bolt a freezer door, ordinary people can become victims. (Rick takes off his apron and wraps it around Lynette before wrapping his arms around her.) Rick:That better? Mary Alice Voiceover:And a world that seemed so safe...
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Lynette:Yeah. That helps. Mary Alice Voiceover:...is suddenly filled with danger. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (As the clock reads 12:07 on the nightstand, Tom is sleeping in bed.) Mary Alice Voiceover:At the exact same moment his wife was being locked in a freezer, Tom Scavo was having a nightmare about monsters trying to destroy his home. (As the clock reads 6:32 on the nightstand, Tom wakes up.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But it wasn't until he woke up the next morning that his real nightmare began. (Tom looks over to Lynette's side of the bed and notices that nobody slept there last night. He goes downstairs and sees that the couch is empty, too.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (Rick and Lynette are lying on the ground. Rick's arm is around Lynette, pulling her close to his body as they spoon.) Rick:You awake? Lynette:Yeah. Rick:Did you sleep at all? Lynette:A little. Thanks for not letting me freeze last night. Rick:Are you kidding me? You're the one that kept me warm. You don't have a fever, do you? Lynette:No. That's just me. Tom's always kicking the covers off the bed. He calls me his little blonde furnace. Rick:He's a lucky guy. (They hear the front door slam and Lynette gets up.) Tom:Lynette? Lynette:Tom! In here! (Tom unlocks the freezer and Lynette rushes out and hugs him.) Tom:Thank God. Lynette:We were robbed! Tom:I don't care about that. Are you okay? Lynette:Yeah. No, I'm fine. Tom:Were you hurt? Lynette:No, no, I'm just cold. Tom:I was so worried about you. If you knew the places that my mind has been... Lynette:I'm sorry. I would've called, but they took our cell phones before they locked us in there. Tom:Us? (Rick steps out of the freezer.) Rick:Hey. Tom:Hey. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Main Street] (Vern and Gabrielle step out of a shop. Gabrielle is holding shopping bags. They start walking towards Gabrielle's car.) Vern:I can't believe one dress could cost so much. Gabrielle:Well, I wanna look fabulous tonight when Victor's elected mayor.
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Vern:Yeah, but isn't it bad luck to buy a dress for the victory party before the election? Gabrielle:Vern, focus. It's never bad luck when I look fabulous. (They reach her car, where a meter man is starting to write her a ticket.) Gabrielle:Oh! Hi. Don't worry. I'm here now. Meter Man:Yeah, but your meter just expired. Might want to put another quarter in. Gabrielle:Oh, no, no. I'm just gonna say bye to my friend, then I'm gone. (She turns to Vern.) Vern:You know, this whole thing is crazy. I go on one gay cruise and come home to find you engaged to some rich politician. Gabrielle:Oh, Vern, I can't wait for you to meet him. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man--sensitive and kind... Vern:...and buys you three thousand dollar dresses. Gabrielle:...buys me three thousand dollar dresses. Vern:And he's totally fine with you being a high-maintenance nightmare? Gabrielle:Oh, my God. That's the best part. He lets me be me. All right, I gotta get going. Vern:See you later. (Vern leaves. Gabrielle turns back to her car and sees that the meter man is writing out a ticket.) Gabrielle:What are you doing? I told you I was leaving. Stop writing! Meter Man:Yeah, but you weren't leaving. You were flapping your gums. Gabrielle:Oh, give me a break. I was standing right there. You could've said something. Meter Man:I told you to put a quarter in...spoiled bi*ch. Gabrielle:You can't talk to me like that! (She grabs the ticket that he put under her windshield wiper and looks at it.) Gabrielle:Forty dollars? You think I'm gonna pay that? Meter Man:No, uh, I'm guessing it'd be the sap that bought you the three thousand dollar dress. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's house] (Carlos walks outside to get the paper. Susan comes up to him.) Susan:Hey, Carlos! Wait. Hi. Look, there's some crazy rumor going around that Mike moved. Carlos:It's true. He went on a little trip, and then he's heading back east. Susan:Oh, my God. What--where is he now? (Carlos looks at her silently.) Susan:Okay, look, I know that I've put Mike through the wringer, but that's why I have to talk to him--to make it right. He's not answering his cell phone. Carlos:He turned it off. He said he wanted to clear his head. Susan:Okay, Carlos...tell me where to find him. Carlos:I'm sorry, Susan. Look, you know what they say--bros before hos. (Susan gives him a look.) Carlos:They...say it. I...don't. Susan:Come on. Just for my peace of mind, I have to know he's okay. Carlos:I don't know... Susan:What am I gonna do go hunt him down? I have a daughter. I have responsibilities. Carlos:Okay. He hiked to the hot springs at Pinewood Valley State Forest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan comes down the stairs with a small, pink backpack and a warm coat. Julie is right behind her.)
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Susan:Okay, Julie, I'm out of here. Here's forty bucks on the counter. Julie:Are you sure this is a good idea? Susan:Yes. If I don't find Mike before he's off that mountain, I may never see him again. Julie:Okay, what you're doing is nauseatingly romantic, but how do you know he even wants to see you? I mean, after the whole "I choose Ian" thing? Susan:That's why I have to go. I have to make amends and heal his broken heart. Julie:Oh, well, what if his devastation has turned to anger, and he's burning pictures of you in his campfire? Susan:Well, what else can I do? I love him. I have to go. Julie:Then go. (Susan leaves and Julie shakes her head and goes back upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Carlos and Travers are playing video games.) Travers:Strike three! You're outta there! Carlos:Again? How are you beating me? You got someone in there greasing the ball for you? Huh? Huh? (He grabs Travers under his arm and starts giving him a noogie. Edie comes into the room.) Edie:Hey, come on, Travers. You can take him. Go for the soft underbelly! (She starts lightly punching Carlos in his stomach.) Carlos:Soft? What are you talking about? I'm all muscle. Travers, feel that bicep. (Carlos flexes his bicep and Travers touches it.) Travers:Mom's is harder. Edie:Oh, well, thank you, sweetheart. Carlos:Fine. I can take a hint. I need a little exercise. So how about we go to the batting cages and hit a few? Travers:Cool. Edie:Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're supposed to go to the movies. How about batting cages on Saturday? Carlos:Sounds great. Travers:Yeah, we'll get to find out who hits the ball harder--you or mom. Carlos:You are so going down. Come here. (He grabs for Travers again. The doorbell rings.) Edie:Hey, who the hell is that? (She answers the door. Charles McLain, Travers' dad, is standing there.) Charles:Hello, Edie. Edie:Oh. Uh, Travers? It's your dad. (Later, Charles is sitting in a chair with Travers in his lap. Edie and Carlos sit on the couch across from them.) Charles:Kenya was amazing, and, uh, being a part of Doctors Without Borders was so rewarding. But I can't do it again, not with the time commitment. I'm gonna have to wait till this little guy is in college. Carlos:So...when are you taking Travers home? Charles:Uh, not till tomorrow. I'm, uh, speaking at a conference in Hilldale this afternoon." (to Travers) "And if you're hungry, I'm buying you breakfast. Travers:That'd be great. Charles:All right! (Travers gets off his dad's lap and Edie stands up.) Edie:I'll help you get dressed. (They leave the room.) Carlos:You know, um... if you wanna take a couple days and chill, Edie and I would be more than happy to
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keep looking after Travers. Charles:Oh, thanks, but, uh, we should probably get back home. Carlos:Right. The thing is--is...we kind of made plans to take him to the batting cage on Saturday. Charles:Oh. Sorry. Uh, well, maybe you can take him the next time he visits. Carlos:Yeah, yeah. When do you think that'll be? Charles:I don't know. Um...I'll have to check my schedule. Carlos:I don't mean to sound pushy. It's just, uh...you know, the three of us, we've just--we've been having a lot of fun together. Charles:Well...look at the bright side--you'll have a lot more time alone with Edie. Carlos:Yeah...that is good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] (Lynette, Tom, and Rick are looking at a surveillance video from the restaurant with a police officer.) Rick:Here you go, officer. I cued it up to the, uh, clearest shot of the guy. Tom:Thank God you made me spring for that surveillance camera. I wanted to spend the money on a pinball machine. (They watch as on the video, the man pulls a gun on Lynette and Rick.) Tom:Son of a bi*ch. Cop:I think these are the same guys that hit a couple of diners out on Mount Vernon. You mind if I rewind? Tom:No. Cop:I wanna see the exact time they came in. (He rewinds to before the men came in and the video shows Lynette and Rick eating dinner together.) Cop:Oop. Whoops. Huh, overshot it a little. Lynette:I was doing receipts, and Rick surprised me with this great idea for the menu. It's called--what are they called? Rick:Uh, orecchiette. It means little-Tom:I know what it means. Lynette:And he makes them with pancetta and garlic and olive oil. It's really, really good. It's gonna be our special tonight. Cop:So the door was unlocked? You need to be more careful. The two of you are just asking for trouble. Lynette:Yeah, I guess we were. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room - Party] (Victor, Gabrielle, and a large number of Victor's supporters are waiting for the results of the election.) Jerome:Quiet! Quiet! They're about to announce! Reporter on TV:...and the race in Valley Ridge is too close to call. However, we're now projecting a winner in Fairview. It's Victor Lang by ten percent... (Everyone cheers and Gabrielle jumps up into Victor's arms to hug him, wrapping her legs around his waist.) Crowd:Speech! Speech! Victor:Thank you, all. I couldn't have done it without any of you. I would especially like to thank my beautiful fiance Gabrielle. And I will, as soon as the feeling returns to my lower back. Jerome:Sir, mayor's on the phone. Sounds like he wants to concede. (Victor takes the phone and leaves the room. The Jerome's wife comes over.) Wife:Gabrielle, congratulations. Gabrielle:Thank you. Your husband runs a hell of a campaign. Wife:We're so excited for Victor. What a day, huh?
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Gabrielle:Well, it is ending a lot better than it started. Wife:Oh? What happened? Gabrielle:Oh, this morning, I got in a fight with a parking cop over a ticket, and the guy was a total jerk. Wife:Well, your days of dealing with that crap are over. Gabrielle:What do you mean? Wife:Mayor Johnson's wife, Sydney--she's been collecting parking tickets like bubble gum cards for years--just gives them to her husband. They disappear. Gabrielle:Keep talking. Wife:Honey, you are no longer one of the little people. Forget jury duty, speeding tickets. You rule this town now. (Victor comes back.) Victor:Well, he conceded. I'm the mayor. Gabrielle:You ready to be the mayor's wife? Victor:Am I ever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Carlos is washing dishes when Edie comes in.) Edie:Knock, knock. Carlos:Hey. Where's Travers? Edie:His dad's helping him pack. Carlos:God, I'm gonna miss that little guy. It's been so much fun. Edie:Yeah, it was. You're gonna miss him, too, aren't you? Carlos:I know what would cheer us up. Edie:A weekend getaway, just the two of us. How's that sound? Carlos:Actually, I'm busy this weekend. Edie:Really? I thought we had plans to go to the batting cage. Carlos:Well, yeah, but that was gonna take a couple of hours, and I'm swamped with work. Edie:Since when? You spent every day hanging out with me and Travers. Carlos:Exactly. I've been putting off my work so I could be there to help you with him, and now it's time for me to buckle down. Edie:So...what does that mean for you and me? Carlos:We're still gonna see each other. I was thinking...uh, for your birthday, that we could go to that new oyster bar. Edie:My birthday is two weeks from now. Carlos:Yeah. It'll be my treat. Edie:Great. Looking forward to it...for the next fourteen days. (She starts to leave.) Carlos:Hey, uh, don't let Travers leave without saying good-bye to me. Edie:Oh, wouldn't dream of it. I know how much he means to you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pinewood Valley State Forest Park Ranger Cabin] (Susan walks up to the counter.) Ranger:Hi there. Susan:Uh, can I get a map to the hot springs? I'm gonna hike up there. Ranger:No problem. You got gear? Susan:Yep.
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(She pats her pink backpack.) Ranger:That's not gear. Susan:Why not? Ranger:It's tiny, ma'am. And pink. Susan:Well, it's my daughter's. Uh, the whole junior class has them. Ranger:Does the junior class have compasses, too? Trail shoes? Tents? Susan:Why would I need a tent? Ranger:It's a 2-day hike to reach the springs. Susan:Two days? Well, can't I just drive part of the way and then hike from there? Ranger:That's not really how nature works, ma'am. There are trails, not roads. Susan:Well, maybe I am a little unprepared, but it'll be fine. I work out. I have quads of steel. Ranger:I'm sorry. I just can't let you go up there-Susan:Can't? There's no "can't" in love. There's a man on that mountain that I intend to spend the rest of my life with, and nothing is gonna keep me from him-- not fate, not destiny and definitely not you. Ranger:To finish my thought, ma'am. I can't let you go up there alone. You'll need a guide. Susan:Cool. How do I get one of those? Ranger:Toni, I got a hiker for ya! (A well-built woman comes out from the back room.) Ranger:This is Toni, and those are quads of steel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] (Tom and Rick are having lunch at a fancy restaurant.) Rick:Thanks for suggesting we do this. I've always wanted to try this place. Tom:Well, you've been working for me for over a month, and I figured it was time we got acquainted. So much I don't know about you. Rick: Well, I'll be happy to fill in the blanks. What would you like to know? Tom:Well, for starters--are you sleeping with my wife? Rick:What? No, Tom. Of course not. Tom:Okay, so you're just hoping to sleep with her. Rick:Look, if this is about the video, I swear, I was just trying out a new recipe. Tom:Don't give me the recipe line. I am not an idiot. The truth is that Lynette and I have been going through sort of a rough patch. Rick:Yeah, she--she told me about that. Tom:And then you came along, and wham, it's the perfect storm. You're young, good-looking, sensitive. Way more fun than five screaming kids and a cranky, invalid husband. Rick:Tom, seriously, nothing has happened. Tom:And nothing is going to, because you are gonna quit. Rick:Quit? No. No, no. No, I'm not gonna do that. You want me gone, fire me. Tom:Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Have Lynette fight for you, while I'm the jealous jerk who can't trust his wife. No. You have to quit. Rick:I'm staying as long as Lynette wants me there. And make no mistake. She wants me there. Tom:Oh, buddy. You're not thinking this thing through, because Lynette will never leave her family. So the best, and I mean the very best, that you can hope for is to catch her in a weak moment and leave a wound in her marriage that will take years to heal, but it will heal, because I will stand by her and I will love her just as hard as she hates herself for what she did. You still feel like sticking around? (The waitress comes over.)
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Waitress:Can I get you some more bread? Rick:No, I think I've had just about enough. (Rick stands up and leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pinewood Valley State Forest Park] (Toni and Susan are hiking. Susan is trailing behind.) Susan:I mean, the doctor said that Mike might never come out of the coma. And then when he did, he didn't even remember me. Toni:Do you need to rest a second? You sound winded. Susan:No, no. I'm invigorated. This fresh mountain air is--aah! (Toni turns around and sees that Susan's hair is caught in the branches of a tree.) Susan:Little help. So anyway, the whole situation with Mike--it just seemed hopeless and that's when I decided to take a chance with Ian. Toni:Ian is the British guy whose heart you crushed? Susan:Yeah. What was I supposed to do, wait forever for Mike? (Susan is freed from the tree and they begin walking again.) Susan:No, seriously, I was asking. What would you have done? Toni:I would have waited for him. Susan:Well, clearly, you were not paying attention, because I did go back to Mike the second he woke up, and he'd totally forgotten me! Toni:But none of that matters anymore 'cause... (She stops and starts making choking noises. Toni turns back around.) Susan:Bug. Toni:You know, the bugs can't get in if you keep your mouth shut. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Travers is playing a video game when Edie walks over holding a puppy.) Edie:Travers. I have someone who wants to meet you. Travers:A puppy! Edie:Yeah. You wanna hold him? Travers:He's awesome. Are you gonna keep him? Edie:No, he's not mine. He's yours. Travers:No way! Edie:Well, way! I just rescued him from the pound. So. What you gonna call him? Travers:Fenway. After Fenway Park. Edie:That is so cute! Everybody back home is gonna be so jealous. Travers:But, mom. I can't take him home. Dad's allergic. Edie:That's right. Shoot. Oh, I'm gonna have to take poor little Fenway back to the pound. Travers:No! Why can't I keep him here? Edie:Well, you don't visit here very often, and--and I can't take care of a dog all by myself. Well, I don't know what else to do. Travers:Why can't I just visit you more? Edie:Hey, that's a thought, and Carlos would love it, too. Of course, I don't know how your father would feel about joint custody. Travers:I'll talk to him. I'll tell him I want it. Edie:Really? Well, that would be great. But you better make sure that he knows that it was all your idea,
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okay? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pinewood Valley State Forest Park - nighttime] (Toni and Susan are sitting around a campfire.) Toni:We're about three hours from the hot springs. So if we get an early start tomorrow, we should be there by lunch. (Susan takes out some face cream and scoops a handful onto her fingers.) Toni:What are you doing? Susan:Oh, it's a face mask. It's lavender and honey. You want some? Toni:Honey, huh? So you're in the middle of the woods, getting ready to smear your face with bear food? Susan:Well, I wanted to look nice for Mike. Toni:Lord knows I don't want to hear you talk about this anymore but what exactly do you think is gonna happen with you and this guy? Susan:Well. I'm going to apologize, and then I'm gonna tell him that I made a huge mistake-Toni:No, no, no, no. After that. Say he accepts your apology. You get back together, and then what happens? You know, after the novelty wears off? Susan:Well, then. We'll just be happy. (Toni makes a face.) Susan:Okay, I know it's dark, but I can see you. Toni:Look, after hearing your whole history with Mike it doesn't take a genius to figure out what the problem is. Susan:What is it? Toni:You. You don't want to be happy. You're a drama junkie. When there is no drama, you create it. You sleep with your ex-husband, you cheat on a coma victim and now you're hiking up a mountain after a guy who has no idea you're coming. Who knows? Maybe this guy will take you back. But once the dust settles, you'll kick up some more because you don't know how to just be happy. Susan:You don't even know me. How dare you talk to me like that? Toni:Ooh, so dramatic. I'm gonna turn in now. (Toni gets into her tent, leaving Susan alone by the fire. The next morning, Toni crawls out of her tent.) Toni:All right, sunshine, let's get moving. (She looks over at Susan's tent, which is empty. There's a note waiting for Toni that says that Susan is going to look for Mike on her own and that Toni can carry Susan's gear back down.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Main Street] (Vern and Gabrielle are in Gabrielle's car, at a red light.) Vern:What are you looking at? Gabrielle:My city. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time. Everything looks different now that I'm First Lady of Fairview. Vern:Oh, my God. You did not just call yourself First Lady of Fairview. (Gabrielle sees the meter man from before.) Gabrielle:Well, well, well. Who do we have here? Vern:Oh, wouldn't you just love to rub his nose in your newfound power? Gabrielle:Vern, you're just awful. And as it happens, so am I. (The light turns green and Gabrielle drives up to where the meter man is. She parks the car and gets out.) Vern:Gaby, come on, I was just joking. Meter Man:Hey, lady. It's a hydrant. You can't park there. Gabrielle:Really? 'Cause I just did.
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Meter Man:Oh, you again! Vern:Gaby. Gabrielle:Just stand back and enjoy the carnage. (The meter man writes out a ticket and hands it to her.) Gabrielle:Thank you. Now what you're about to see may astound you. (She tears the ticket up and throws the pieces onto the ground.) Meter Man:You know, I could give you another ticket for littering. Gabrielle:You could try, but you might not want to. See, I'm engaged to Victor Lang. Ring a bell? The mayor? Your new boss? Meter Man:I don't follow politics. Vern:Let me know when the carnage begins so I can shield my eyes. Gabrielle:Listen, buddy, you're not getting it. You answer to me now. I could have you fired. Meter Man:You can't do nothing. Gabrielle:I can do whatever I want! In fact, my first official act of business as mayoress of Fairview...is to declare today free parking day! (She begins going to all of the cars where there are tickets on the windshield and she grabs them all.) Meter Man:Hey, knock that off. Hey! Gabrielle:Free parking! Meter Man:Give me that! Gabrielle:No! Meter Man:Give me that! (He grabs her and twists her wrists as he tries to get the tickets from her.) Gabrielle:Ow, you're hurting me! (The sound of police sirens is heard.) Gabrielle:You know what that sound is, fat boy? The sound of your career circling the bowl. Yeah, you're gonna find out what happens when you screw with the first lady of Fairview! (Later, Gabrielle stares sullenly out the window of the police car that she was put in. The car drives off and the meter man looks triumphant.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pinewood Valley State Forest Park] (Susan is hiking.) Susan:Okay, north. I need north. Moss grows on the north side of trees. (She looks at a tree and then sees that the moss is growing all around it.) Susan:What? Ugh, damn it! Stupid mossy trees! (She kicks a tree and loses her balance, falling over a log.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's house] (Charles comes up the sidewalk to pick up Travers.) Travers:Dad! Charles:Hey, hey, buddy! How you doing? Travers:Good. Can I ask you a question? Charles:Sure. You can ask me anything. Travers:How would you feel about joint custody? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside Edie's house] (Edie and Charles are arguing.)
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Charles:You bought him a puppy? Edie:No, I bought myself a puppy. How was I supposed to know that he'd get so attached? Charles:Don't lie to me, Edie. You were trying to manipulate him. Edie:What? Would it be so terrible to have joint custody? In case you forgot, I am his mother. Charles:Two weeks out of the year, and that's the way you wanted it. Edie:Well, I changed my mind. Charles:Aw, damn it, Edie. We had an agreement! Edie:It wasn't official! And there isn't a judge in this world that would keep a mother from her child. (Outside, Travers is sitting on the porch step with the puppy. Carlos comes over.) Carlos:Hey, Travers. What's going on? Travers:Mom and Dad are fighting. Carlos:You wanna go watch TV at my house? Travers:Okay. Carlos:I'll see you there in a sec, buddy. (Travers leaves.) Charles:You haul me into court, and so help me, I will destroy you! Edie:You threaten me again, and I will go for full custody, you--you son of a bi*ch. (Charles storms out.) Carlos:Oh, hi. Charles:Hey. Carlos:So. What is going on? Charles:Edie has lost her mind. For eight years, she's been happy to see him two weeks a year. Now out of the blue, she's gotta have joint custody. Carlos:Really? Charles:Yeah. And how's that supposed to work? We live four hours away. What's he gonna do, go to two different schools? Carlos:I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry. Charles:Yeah, thanks. You know, I just don't get it. Edie's been perfectly happy with our arrangement. What the hell's gotten into her? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] (The last two patrons leave as Lynette sees them out.) Customer:Well, thanks. Lynette:Good night. Come again. (She locks the door.) Lynette:There. Hey...I made you an espresso. Rick:Great. Lynette:You okay? You've been so quiet all night. Rick:I had lunch with Tom today. Lynette:That's funny. He didn't mention it. Rick:He asked me if I was sleeping with you. Lynette:What? I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. That paranoid idiot. You know, I knew it. I knew when we were watching the surveillance tapes that he would completely misinterpret it. Rick:Oh, did he? Lynette:Did he what? Rick:Uh, did he misinterpret it? Or did he just see what is obvious that you and I can't admit?
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Lynette:I don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing to admit. Rick:Lynette, how long are we gonna kid ourselves? I have feelings for you. I know you feel something for me. Lynette:Stop! Don't say it! You cannot say these things. Rick:Come on. We both know it's true. We've been flirting since we met. Lynette:Yes, flirting! That's it! It's what married people do, because we know there is a line you don't cross. And maybe I've gotten close to that line, and maybe I've enjoyed getting close to that line, but I have never once crossed it. Rick:Look, I know I don't have much to offer-Lynette:And I have nothing to offer! I am taken! God! Rick:Great, great. Now--now what, you're mad at me? Lynette:Yeah, I'm mad! I am mad because I loved our nights together. It made me feel sexy and happy, and, God, how I needed that. And now it's over. You ruined it. You can't work here anymore. Rick:Wait...you're gonna fire me? Lynette:Oh, jeez. What choice do I have? Rick:Lynette. Lynette, please-(He reaches for her and she backs away.) Lynette:Don't touch me! You have to go now. Please, go. You have to go now. Go on. Go. (She goes into the back room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pinewood Valley State Forest Park Ranger Cabin - nighttime] (Toni and the other park ranger are looking at a map.) Toni:Her name is Susan Mayer, and she's never hiked before. Now this is the last place I saw her, but honestly, she could be anywhere. (Mike walks into the cabin and goes up to another park ranger.) Mike:Just checking back in. The name's Delfino. Ranger #1:Delfino. Great. You're all set. Ranger #2:Are you sure she's lost? Toni:Of course I'm sure. She's a dippy brunette from the suburbs. She didn't bring a compass. She brought makeup. Ranger #2:Wait, is she the one looking for the guy at the hot springs? Toni:Yep, that's her. Now let's go find her before she falls off a cliff. The woman is a total klutz. (Mike finishes signing back in and leaves the cabin.) Ranger #2:Yeah, I hear you. Toni:All right, we'll split up. I'll take north of the river here, and you look down in here. (Mike comes back in.) Mike:Excuse me. This klutz...could you tell me her name? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pinewood Valley State Forest Park - nighttime] (Susan limps over to a tree and sinks down onto the ground. She dials a number on her cell phone and begins talking.) Susan:Oh. Hey...Mike. Um, listen, I know your cell phone's off, but I...I wanted you to know that I followed you up to the hot springs, and...now i'm lost. You know, in the off chance that I get devoured by a mountain lion, I--I just wanted you to know that, um...I love you. I've always loved you. And I don't want any more drama. And if you take me back, I promise there won't be. Unless I get eaten by a mountain lion, and, you know,
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that'll be dramatic, but it won't be my fault. Anyway, um...I hope it's not too late, but if it is, I just...I just want you to know that I am so, so... (Her phone beeps, telling her the battery has died.) Susan:Sorry. (She puts down the phone, then curls up on the ground to go to sleep.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's house] (Victor is standing in front of the fireplace, watching the flames. Jerome brings Gabrielle into the room.) Jerome:Here she is, sir. No charges, no press. Never happened. Gabrielle:Hi, honey. You look handsome in a tux. Jerome:Jerome, give us the room, please. (Jerome leaves.) Gabrielle:All right, look, I know you're mad, but wait till you hear what that jerk did to me-Victor:Gaby, shut up. Are you familiar with the quote 'From the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded'? Gabrielle:Um...doesn't ring a bell. Victor:From the Bible. Gabrielle:That explains it. (She laughs.) Victor:This is not a joke! I have been elected mayor. Certain things are expected of me. One in particular is that my future wife not assault city employees. Gabrielle:He was mean. He deserved it. Victor:I don't care! Your behavior reflects on me, and I can't do my job if you're constantly humiliating me. Gabrielle:Constantly? Aside from today, give me one example. Victor:Okay, how about jumping into my arms like a ten-year-old at the election party? Gabrielle:I was just joking around, being me. I thought you liked that. Victor:I do, in private. In public, you have to act like a grown-up. Gabrielle:Okay. I'm sorry I disappointed you. It won't happen again. I better get dressed. I don't want to be late to the victory party. (She starts to leave and Victor notices that Gabrielle is rubbing her wrist.) Victor:What happened to your wrist? Gabrielle:Oh. That's what I was trying to tell you. The meter man--he grabbed my arm and twisted it. Victor:What? My God, he left a bruise. Gabrielle:Mm, it's not as bad as it looks. Victor:Still, he shouldn't have done that. (Gabrielle leaves the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Tom is sitting up in bed when Lynette comes into the room.) Lynette:Hey. Tom:Hey! You're home early. Lynette:It was kind of dead tonight. Hi. (She leans down and kisses him, accidentally pushing his head against the headboard when she pulls away.) Lynette:Ooh, sorry. By the way, we are gonna need to find a new chef. Rick gave notice. Tom:He quit? Lynette:Well, he got a better offer from some place across town.
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Tom:That's too bad. Well...whatcha gonna do? Well...we don't have to hire someone. I am coming back. Lynette:You sure you're ready? Tom:Yeah. Doctor said I can lose the back brace next week, and I promise I'll take it easy. No lifting-- just cooking. Lynette:Well, okay, then. (Lynette goes into the bathroom. She turns on the sink and then begins to cry. Outside of the bathroom, Tom leans agains the door to keep talking to her.) Tom:I feel really good about this, hon. I have been going nuts just lying around. This is gonna be so great! We're a team again. Besides...I missed you. (Lynette calms down a little bit.) Lynette:I missed you, too. (She begins to sob again as she leans against the wall.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Edie is sitting on the couch, filing her nails when Carlos comes in.) Carlos:Hey, Edie? Edie:Well, hello, stranger. Come on in. So what's up? Carlos:Nothing much. I hear you're going for joint custody of Travers. Edie:Yep. I hired a lawyer, and he is a real shark. Carlos:Wow, you're not messing around, huh? Edie:I think it's important that Travers has his mother in his life. Of course, he'll probably want to spend more time with his video game buddy. Carlos:Yeah. You know, but I just keep thinking, um...what's all this gonna be like for him--you know, all the traveling back and forth? Edie:He's a kid. He'll adjust. Carlos:Yeah, plus two schools, two sets of friends. I mean, it's not gonna be easy. Edie:Why are you being so negative? I thought you'd be excited about this. Carlos:I know you did. Um...I just want you to ask yourself, is this all really in the best interest of Travers? You know, kids need stability. Edie:What about what I need? Carlos:I know that you miss him...and I know you're worried about being lonely, but I am going to be here for you. Edie:Yeah, once every two weeks. Carlos:No. I'm really going to be here for you. And I'm gonna make you happy. Edie:Don't say that if you don't mean it, Carlos. Carlos:I do. Edie:All right, I'll, um...I'll call off the lawyer. You know, I really am gonna miss him. Carlos:Yeah, me, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room - Party] (A crowd of people are enjoying themselves. Jerome stands underneath a banner that reads "Congratulations Mayor Lang.") Jerome:Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the next mayor of Fairview--Victor Lang! (Victor walks out onto the dance floor. Gabrielle joins him and they begin to dance.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - nighttime]
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(Two men approach the meter man, who is getting into his car.) Man:Your name Jeff Scott? Meter Man:Yeah. Man:You read meters for a living? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Room - Party] (Victor and Gabrielle are still dancing.) Victor:Do you know how much I love you? Gabrielle:I think so. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - nighttime] (The two men begin beating up the meter man. He falls to the ground.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Anyone can end up a victim...injured by the actions of others. But whether the damage is inflicted by a cunning ex-wife...or a blow delivered by the object of our affection...the time comes when we must pick ourselves up and continue on our journey. And if we can't, then all we can pray for...is rescue. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Pinewood Valley State Forest Park - morning] (Susan wakes up to find Mike standing over her.) Susan:Mike. I twisted my ankle. Mike:Good. 'Cause now I get to do this. (He scoops her up into his arms and kisses her.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X22: What Would We Do Without You? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Carlos revealed his deepest desire. Carlos:It's about children.I want them so bad. Mary Alice Voiceover:Tom forced the issue. Tom:Are you sleeping with my wife? Rick:Of course not. Mary Alice Voiceover:Rick came clean. Rick:I have feelings for you.I know you feel something for me. Lynette:You can't work here anymore. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Susan's tortured love life... Mike:I was on my way to propose to you... Mary Alice Voiceover:...was finally... Mike:...what would you have said? Mary Alice Voiceover:...on the mend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant]
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(Mike and Susan are dressed nicely and seated at a table in a fancy restaurant.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Exactly one year had passed since the night Mike Delfino and Susan Mayer were supposed to become engaged. So when Mike took Susan to her favorite restaurant, she just knew he was going to pop the question. Mike:What are you gonna have? Mary Alice Voiceover:And when he did... Susan:The chicken. Mary Alice Voiceover:She'd be ready with her answer. But as the evening wore on, the moment Susan had been waiting for...failed to materialize. And though many opportunities presented themselves...the question was never asked. Until the thought began to dawn on Susan that perhaps...it never would. (Mike drives Susan home. Susan looks upset.) Mike:Pretty quiet over there. Was dinner okay? Susan:If by okay, you mean uneventful, then yes. Mike:Something on your mind? Susan:Mike, what day is today? Mike:Um, Wednesday. Susan:Yes. It's also the anniversary of the day we were supposed to get engaged. A year ago tonight, you were on your way to ask me to marry you when you got hit by that stupid car. Mike:Wow, that was a year ago? Time really flies. Susan:Is that all you have to say? Mike:Why are you getting mad? Susan:I thought you were gonna propose tonight. Mike:Susan, why would I want to commemorate the anniversary of the night that some maniac put me in a coma? Susan:Because this date has special meaning for us. I sat in front of that trailer for six hours thinking you hated me, and a proposal would've brought the entire thing full circle. It would've turned a bad memory into a beautiful one. Mike:You really thought this through, didn't you? Susan:Yes, I did, because I am a thoughtful person. And whenever we do get married, that is something you are gonna have to work on. Mike:I'll do my best. By the way... (He pulls onto their street and gestures to something in front of them.) Mike:...that seem familiar? (Susan's trailer is set up exactly as it was from a year ago, with a dinner for two set up in the front.) Susan:Oh, my god. I can't believe that you did this. Mike:Well, I wanted to...how'd you put it? Turn a bad memory into a beautiful one. Now go sit in front of that trailer. I promise I'll show up this time. (Susan gets out of the truck and goes to sit down at the table. Inside the truck, Mike pulls out an engagement ring and looks at it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Yes, Susan knew Mike was about to pop the question--the one she feared he'd never ask. (Mike kneels down in front of Susan and puts the open ring box on the table.) Susan:Oh, Mike. Mary Alice Voiceover:And thanks to Susan... Susan:Will you marry me? Mary Alice Voiceover:He never did. Luckily, it wasn't the question she needed to hear.
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Mike:I kind of had a speech prepared, but...sure. What the heck? Mary Alice Voiceover:It was the answer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house - morning] (Tom and Lynette are sleeping.) Mary Alice Voiceover:From the moment we wake up in the morning... (Tom wakes up and turns to Lynette.) Tom:What time is it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house - evening] Mary Alice Voiceover:Till our head hits the pillow at night... (Lynette has just gotten into bed when Tom turns to her.) Tom:Did you lock the front door? Mary Alice Voiceover:Our lives are filled with questions... (Later, Tom is in the bathroom trying to get his shaving cream to come out of the container.) Tom:Did you remember to buy more shaving cream? Mary Alice Voiceover:...simple ones that are easy to answer. (Later, Tom is trying different expressions on his face while looking in the mirror. Lynette walks by.) Tom:Can I still pull this look off? (The whole Scavo family is eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Nobody is talking.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But some questions are so dangerous, the truth...is not an option. Parker:Are you mad at daddy? Lynette:No. Why would you think that? Parker:'Cause you're not talking to him. Lynette:Well, when two people have known each other as long as mommy and daddy have, they don't have to always talk. In fact, a sign of a good relationship is being comfortable in silence. Tom:That's true. Although mommy ignoring me last night at work wasn't exactly what I'd call comfortable. Lynette:Well, daddy probably didn't notice that I was unloading twenty-pound bags of flour 'cause he still can't lift them, so mommy didn't exactly have time to sit around and chew the fat. Tom:Well, you haven't wanted to chew the fat for five days now. Come on, Lynette, something's obviously bugging you. Lynette:You wanna know what's bugging me? I'm trying to have a lovely breakfast with my family, and you're picking a fight. Tom:Who's fighting? I just wanna talk. Lynette:There's nothing to talk about, okay? Just leave me alone. Tom:Fine. Lynette:Good. Parker:Sorry I asked. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Mike is eating breakfast and reading the paper while Susan makes phone calls.) Susan:Hey, Franois, it's Susan Mayer. Um, call me as soon as you get this. I know I told you that my wedding is off, but it's back on, and I wanna see if you're still available to do the flowers. Bye. Oh, um, just so you know, Ian's not the groom anymore. Long story. Call me.
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(She hangs up the phone.) Susan:There. I think I left messages for everyone. Are you sure it's okay for us to have the same wedding I was planning with Ian? Be honest. Mike:Well, I stole his bride. I guess I can poach his florist. Susan:Gosh, I just keep thinking there's someone I've forgotten to tell. Caterer, band, florist... Mike:Um...guests? Susan:Oh, my god! I had Julie call and cancel everyone. Mike:Just call 'em back. Susan:You can't invite people to a wedding on the phone. You have to send a proper invitation. You want people to think I'm a complete flake? (She dials a number on the phone.) Susan:Hi, Curt. Susan Mayer. You did my wedding invitations? Uh, I'm gonna need another batch. Exactly the same, only change the name Ian Hainsworth to Mike Delfino. Long story. Call me. (She hangs up.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Victor walks up to Gabrielle.) Victor:Hey, what's with the frown? You trying to get wrinkles before the wedding? Gabrielle:No. I can't find a good flower girl. Lynette keeps hinting for me to use Penny. But I saw her in that preschool sing-along, and I am sorry, but we are talking zero charisma. Victor:You know, I had a thought about the flower girl. Gabrielle:You did? Victor:My cleaning lady has a daughter...where's that picture? (He finds a photo album and pulls out a picture, then hands it to Gabrielle.) Victor:Look familiar? Gabrielle:Oh, my god. She looks just like me when I was that age! Victor:Yeah, that's what I thought. See, this way, the wedding procession starts with you as this beautiful little girl, and ends with you as the stunning bride that you've become. Gabrielle:I love that you're so into this wedding. Most men would be like, "yeah, yeah, tell me where the church is," but you're as obsessed as me. You're like a hot groom and a gay best friend all rolled into one. Victor:Well, can you blame me for wanting to make everything as perfect as you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mike's house] (Carlos is on the couch when Edie comes down the stairs, looking worn out.) Carlos:Feel better? Edie:Yeah. There must've been a bad scallop in that paella last night. Carlos:You'd think that half-bottle of tequila you drank would've disinfected it. (Mike walks in.) Mike:Oh. Sorry to interrupt. I'm just, uh, moving some stuff over to Susan's house. Edie:You two shacking up now? Mike:Actually, we're getting married. Carlos:You're kidding! Congratulations! (Carlos stands up and he and Mike shake hands and hug.) Mike:Thanks. Carlos:You don't waste any time. Mike:Well, you know, I've already wasted a year. I don't want to wake up one more day without her lying next
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to me. Edie:Oh, god. Here comes what's left of breakfast. Mike:And, uh, you two better be careful. All this wedding fever going around...you might catch it. (Mike heads upstairs.) Carlos:Yeah, right! (Edie stares at Carlos.) Carlos:What? Edie:Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize the concept of our being married was such a thigh-slapper. Carlos:Come on, Edie. Look, it's way too soon for us to be talking marriage. We only just started dating. Edie:Oh, I know, but...well, we could live together. We're either at my house or your house every night anyway. Carlos:Yeah...true, but... Edie:Well, why not? And we're not kids anymore, Carlos, and, I mean, I really care about you. Don't you care about me? Carlos:Of course I do. Edie:But... Carlos:I just took over Mike's lease yesterday. Edie:Oh, please. Old lady Sims can find another tenant. Carlos:Edie, I already signed the papers. Look, I have a responsibility. You know, that rent helps pay for her nursing home. You understand, right? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Retirement Home] (Edie walks up to Mrs. Sims, who's reading a book at a table outside.) Edie:Mrs. Sims? Mrs. Sims:E-Edie? Edie Britt? Edie:Hi! Are you up for a visit? Mrs. Sims:Well, of course! Oh! What a nice surprise! I haven't seen you for years. Edie:Oh, I know, and I feel awful about that. I have always liked you so much. You know, Wisteria Lane hasn't been the same since you left. Mrs. Sims:Well, with my arthritis, I just couldn't live alone anymore. But what I get from renting more than pays for this place. Edie:Ooh! Well, that's good. Although with Mike Delfino getting married, your house is gonna be empty now. Mrs. Sims:Actually, no. A friend of Mike's just signed a lease-- a very nice man. Oh, what was his name? Uh...it's here somewhere. (She pulls out a copy of the lease from her purse.) Mrs. Sims:Uh, Carlos Solis. Edie:Oh, dear. Mrs. Sims:What? Edie:What did Mike tell you about Carlos? Mrs. Sims:Oh, just that he's a nice, responsible man. Edie:Oh. Well, he is when he's sober. Mrs. Sims:He has a drinking problem? Edie:Well, actually, what I heard is...oh, what am I doing? I shouldn't be indulging in idle gossip. Mrs. Sims:Edie, please! Edie:Smack. He does smack. Mrs. Sims:What? Good heavens! Oh, well...he seemed such a nice man when I met him, and he's got a good
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job. Edie:I know. What is that term? Functional junkie. Mrs. Sims:This is very upsetting. Maybe I should rethink this. Edie:No! I should learn to shut my big mouth. I mean, here I am, blathering on about drugs and prostitutes. Mrs. Sims:Prostitutes? You never said anything about prostitutes. Edie:And I'm not going to. Frankly...I don't want to be on his bad side. Mrs. Sims:Edie, I can't have someone like that in my house. I have to tear up this lease. Edie:Oh, no, I can't let you do that! Not with your arthritis. Here. You let me. (She takes the lease from Mrs. Sims and tears it up.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] (Gabrielle comes jogging up to Susan as Susan is getting her mail.) Susan:Gaby! Gabrielle:Oh, Susan! Julie told me about Ian. I am so sorry. You must be devastated. (She hugs Susan. Mike walks into the house carrying boxes.) Mike:Hey, Gaby. Gabrielle:I see you've picked up the pieces. Susan:We got engaged last night. We're getting married! Gabrielle:Oh, my god! Congratulations! (They hug again.) Susan:So forget what Julie told you about the wedding being off. It's back on. Gabrielle:Really? Same day? Susan:Yep! I promised people a wedding, and they are getting one. Gabrielle:Well, I'm sorry. I can't make it. I have plans that day. Susan:Oh, you could change your plans. Gabrielle:No, I really can't. Susan:Well, what could be more important to you than my wedding? Gabrielle:Uh...my wedding? Susan:What? (Gabrielle gestures to the mail that Susan is holding. Gabrielle's wedding invitation is on top.) Gabrielle:Oh, I see you got the invitation! Susan:You're getting married on my wedding day? Gabrielle:Well, you canceled, and Victor was kind of in a rush because he didn't think it'd look good for the mayor to be shacking up. And every day we tried, someone had a conflict. And then your date opened up, and we knew all my friends were available, and, well...you know, you, too. (Mike comes up behind Susan.) Mike:Uh, it's really no problem. We'll find another date. Susan:Gaby, did you really think I would want to spend what would've been my wedding day watching someone else get married? Gabrielle:I am so throwing the bouquet to you! Susan:Okay, if you think for one second... Mike:It's fine. Really. Come on, Susan. We've got some calls to make. (He leads Susan into the house.) Susan:Oh, right! I have to cancel my wedding...again! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house]
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(Susan knocks on Gabrielle's front door. Gabrielle answers, but looks nervous.) Gabrielle:Susan. Hi. Susan:Is this a bad time? Gabrielle:I'm kind of in the middle of something. Susan:Okay, well, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for getting so snippy yesterday, that when I canceled my wedding, you had every right to... (A Frenchman's voice is heard in the background.) Francois:Susan? Susan? Is that my Susan? (The man comes to the door.) Susan:Francois! Francois:I am so sorry that I could not do your wedding flowers. But the moment you canceled, your friend here--she, uh...how you say? Scoop me up. (He goes back into the living room.) Susan:You stole my florist? Gabrielle:Only because I admire your taste. It's not theft. It's an homage. (Francois comes back to the door.) Francois:I left the bouquet and the centerpiece on the table. If there are any changes, you let me know. Au revoir. (He leaves.) Gabrielle:Well, I gotta go. Susan:I wanna see those flowers. (She pushes her way into the house and goes into the living room.) Susan:Oh, my god, that's my centerpiece! Gabrielle:Oh, what, now you suddenly have the trademark on peach tulips? Susan:In this town in wedding season? Yeah, I do. You might as well have used my caterer and my swing band." Gabrielle: "Yeah. Listen, about that... Susan:Oh, my god. Did you steal my whole wedding? Gabrielle:It was short notice, okay? These people are booked months in advance. The only people available were thones you just bailed on. Susan:Gaby, I spent months planning that wedding. Gabrielle:Oh, I see what you're getting at. And you know what? You are right. You have been my de facto wedding planner, and you deserve to get paid. All right, what's the going rate? Seven thousand? Eight thousand? Susan:Gaby... Gabrielle:All right, ten thousand. I'm not gonna haggle. Susan:I don't want to be paid. I want my wedding back. Gabrielle:Well, you can't have it. And if you ask me, I am doing you a really big favor. Susan:Excuse me? Gabrielle:You are rushing into this marriage thing way too fast. Why don't you give it some time and see if you and me work as a couple? Susan:I'm rushing? You met Victor three months ago. I've known Mike three years. Gabrielle:Yeah, on and off. Mostly off. What if you tie the knot in a month and realize that you miss Ian and Mike misses the coma? Susan:I cannot believe that you just said that. Okay, you know what? I came over here to give you my response card. But here. This is my response.
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(She tears up the response card she had been holding.) Gabrielle:You don't mean that. That's just a big dramatic gesture. Susan:Oh? No.No, this is a big dramatic gesture. (She grabs the centerpiece and throws it against the wall, where it crashes.) Gabrielle:My flowers! Susan:No. They're my flowers! Enjoy your stolen wedding! (She grabs some of the flowers and runs out of the house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mike's house] (Edie is carrying a bag of groceries to her house when she sees Carlos arguing with a man in front of Mike's house.) Carlos:You can't do this! I just signed a lease! Man:I'm sorry. The law says my mom has seventy-two hours to change her mind. She's exercising that option. (The man gets into his car and drives off.) Edie:Hey! What's going on? Carlos:I've been evicted. Edie:What? Carlos:Yeah. That was Mrs. Sims' kid. She's giving me twenty-four hours to move out of her house. Edie:That is so weird. Carlos:It gets weirder. He told me Mrs. Sims is praying for my spiritual recovery. Edie:Oh. Well, when old folks see the end coming, they get all religious. Carlos:I guess. So mind if I crash with you until I can find a new place? Edie:Of course not. Carlos:Thanks. I'll bring my stuff over in the morning. Edie:Ooh, why wait? I've got boxes in the garage. I'll help you start packing now. Carlos:Edie...did you have something to do with this? Edie:What? Carlos:You have to admit, it is kind of a coincidence. You ask me to move in, I say no, I get evicted. Edie:How dare you. I offer to put a roof over your head, and you repay me with suspicions and insults? I don't even know that I want you in my house. Carlos:Fine. I'll get a motel. Edie:Oh, whoa! Uh, hold on. Let's not be hasty. Carlos:I knew it. You were behind this. Edie:Okay. If you wanna fight, fine. But let's talk about the real issue here. I mean, why are you so reluctant to make a commitment to me? Carlos:I told you. I don't want to talk about this. Edie:Well, you never do, but you owe me an explanation. I mean, why don't you want to move in with me? Carlos:Because I'm not in love with you. Edie, I'm sorry. I really like you... Edie:No, I get it. I...it's just a little upsetting because...I'm late. Carlos:Ed, you can't be pregnant.You're on the pill. Edie:Yeah, well, I might've forgotten to take it a couple of days, and I've been nauseous for an entire week, so I went and got a pregnancy test. I figure I should find out if i'm carrying your love child. Oh, wait, my mistake. Your like child. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house]
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(A toilet flushes and Edie comes out of the bathroom holding a pregnancy test.) Carlos:So? What does it say? Edie:It's gonna take a couple more minutes. (She hands it to Carlos, then goes to the couch and sits down. Carlos places the stick on the coffee table.) Edie:I just peed on that. For god sake, put it on a coaster. Ugh. This is just dandy. I'm forty, single, and knocked up. But on the bright side, the dad's not into me. Hmm. Carlos:Edie, if you are pregnant, I'm not gonna let you go through this alone. Edie:So what, you're gonna be my lamaze partner? Carlos:No. I'm saying I'll step up. I'll be there to help you raise him. Edie:You serious? Carlos:Hey, I was there practically every day to help you with Travers. What makes you think that I would do any less if it were actually my child? Edie:Well, thanks. That's...nice to know. Carlos:You know...your spare bedroom...would make a great nursery. Edie:Yeah. I guess it would. Carlos:I mean, it's right down the hall from the master, so we'd be able to hear him when he was crying. Edie:We? You'd move in? Carlos:I told you that I would be here for you. We could even decorate his room in, like, a whole pirate theme. I always wanted to do that if I had a son. You know what would be really cool? Decorate his bed like--like a--like a ship, with a sail and a mast-Edie:Carlos? It's negative. Carlos:Oh. Edie:Well, that's a relief, huh? Carlos:Yeah. Edie:We really dodged a bullet. So...let's celebrate, have a drink. Oh, and by the way, you're still welcome to stay till you find a place. Carlos:That's nice of you. Thanks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Pizzaria] (Tom and his friend, Scott, walk into the restaurant where Lynette is busy getting things ready.) Tom:I cannot thank you enough for doing this. Thanks for taking the time out of your day. Scott:Yeah, Tom, I'm not sure this is the best approach. I mean, I've never done a session before where half of the couple didn't know I was a marriage counselor. Tom:We'll tell her...eventually. I just don't wanna scare her off. Hey, Lynette. Lynette:Yeah? Tom:Look who just walked in off the street--Scott McKinney. Remember? We pledged Alpha Tau together. I told you about him. Lynette:You won the beer pong championship? Scott:You told her about that? Lynette:Yeah, and then you threw up in the trophy. Tom:Well, that is far from his only accomplishment. He's got a PhD. Lynette:Oh, wow. Well, I'd love to chat, but I have cheese to grate. Tom:Honey, no, wait, please. I will do that later. I want you guys...to know each other. I mean, this guy...is my boy. (Later, the three of them are sitting at a table, Lynette and Tom close together, Scott on the other side.) Tom:So, Scott got married the same year that we did. How's your wife liking Fairview?
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Scott:Well, uh, her whole family's back east, so she--she kind of resisted the move. Tom:Really? So that was a source of conflict? Scott:Yes. Well, all couples have their conflicts. I'm sure you've had your share. Lynette:Oh, sure, now and then. Tom:Emphasis on now. Lynette:Tom... Tom:Scott shared with us. We're--we're--we're going through kind of a rough patch. Scott:I see. Well, I'm sure it's something you will get through. The trick is to keep those lines of communication open. Tom:Boy. Easier said than done. Scott:So this rough patch...what--what--what would you say is the underlying issue there? Lynette:Well, Scott, I'm not sure I would say, particularly not to someone I just met. Tom:He--he's just trying to help. If you ask me, I'd say it started when our manager, Rick, quit. Scott:Oh. Okay, and--and how did that make you feel, Lynette? Lynette:I am not answering that. This is not a therapy session. Tom:But if it were, wh-wh-wh-wh--what would you say? Lynette:Oh, dear god you didn't. Tom:What...didn't what? Lynette:Okay, okay. Give it up, Tom. Scott:Yes. Yes, Lynette, I am a couples counselor. Lynette:Really? And what do you call this, ambush therapy? Tom:It was my idea. Look, I'm just trying to get you to talk about what is going on. And don't tell me that nothing's going on! Lynette:No, no. Scott:Good, good. All our cards are on the table. Lynette:Cram it! Okay, yeah, Tom, I've been unhappy lately. I am working through some issues, but that is something I need to do on my own. Talking about it doesn't help--not to you, and certainly not to Dr. Beer Pong. (She leaves.) Scott:Well, I'm billing you for a whole hour, so, uh, is there anything else on your mind? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's front porch] (Edie, Lynette, and Susan are talking on Susan's porch.) Susan:I mean, I'm sorry, but this time, Gaby has just crossed the line, and I will not make myself sit through her wedding. Julie thinks I'm overreacting. You don't think I'm overreacting, do you? Lynette:Yeah, a little. Edie:Absolutely not. (Lynette looks at Edie.) Edie:What? She asked. Lynette:Look, even if Gaby is in the wrong here...and she--she is hugely, hideously wrong--do you really want to boycott her wedding? Susan:She said that I would make Mike wish he was back in a coma. Lynette:I think her point--and again, I wish she'd express herself a little more tactfully-- was that marriage is unpredictable. We can't know what it'll be until we're in it. Edie:Don't defend that self-centered brat. She steals Susan's wedding and then expects to stay friends. She--she divorces Carlos and doesn't want anyone else to date him. You know, I've never known anyone as
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dishonest and manipulative. Lynette:Speaking of Carlos, I hear he got evicted. Edie:Yeah, that was a real shocker. Anyway, you stick to your guns, and don't you dare go to that wedding. Lynette:It could ruin your friendship. Are you willing to take that chance? Susan:No, I guess not. Edie:Wuss. Well, at least get her a thoughtless, crappy gift, like a blender. Susan:I got you a blender for Christmas. Edie:And I use it every day. Gotta go. (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house - nighttime] (Susan takes a bottle of wine and is starting down the sidewalk when Gabrielle comes up to her holding a box of chocolates.) Gabrielle:Honey, I am so sorry. I hope you don't hate me. Susan:I don't. I was just on my way to apologize to you. Gabrielle:Just so you know, I changed all my flowers. Susan:You don't have to. Gabrielle:The hell I don't. Those peach tulips belong to you...and so do these. (She hands her the chocolate.) Susan:Thank you. I was just bringing you this. Gabrielle:Well, we got chocolate and wine.Your place or mine? Susan:Oh! Well... (Susan puts her arm around Gabrielle and they walk into Susan's house.) (Later, the two of them are slightly tipsy as they drink their wine and eat the chocolate.) Susan:I'm so glad we're doing this. I hate it when we fight. Gabrielle:Me, too, and I'm so sorry about that comment I made about Mike. It was way out of line. You guys are gonna be insanely happy. Susan:I think so, too. But, you know, then I remember, that's what I thought about me and Karl. Gabrielle:Please. Mike is not Karl. Susan:Well, you know, when I married him, Karl wasn't Karl. And I think that's why I got so mad at you. Because ninety-nine percent of me is sure that we're gonna be totally happy. But then what you said--it just stirred up that pesky one percent. Gabrielle:Honey, please. If anyone should be nervous, it's me. I met Victor three months ago. I mean, I'm crazy about him. It's just, the thought of saying those vows again? That's scary. Susan:Mm. Lynette is right. You know, marriage is like...it's like these bonbons. You never know what you're getting until you're in the middle of it. (She opens up a chocolate.) Susan:It's one of those hard jelly ones. Do you think that's an omen? Gabrielle:Honey, you're gonna be okay. All right? We're gonna help each other through this. Susan:Right. Yeah. Gabrielle:And getting married is scary, but at least we'll be doing it together. Oh, my god! We should totally do that! Susan:What? Gabrielle:Get married together! Susan:You and me? Oh! Well, I-I'm beyond flattered. I-I find you to be an incredibly attractive woman. I just-Gabrielle:Oh! No, stupid. I mean, a double wedding!
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Susan:Oh. Oh! Oh, I would love that! Gabrielle:Yeah, and then you wouldn't be mad at me for the date, and I wouldn't feel guilty. And we could be brides... Susan:Together! Gabrielle:Oh, yes! Let's celebrate. More chocolate. And just so you know, if I was a lesbian, I'd totally do you. Susan:That's good to know. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[The next morning]... Mary Alice Voiceover:It's a fact of life that brides-to-be who agree to double weddings late at night often feel differently come the dawn. This change of heart was certainly true in the case of Susan Mayer...and even more so...for Gabrielle Solis. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:Morning. Victor:Hi, honey. Gabrielle:I hope I didn't wake you last night. I was at Susan's till midnight. Victor:Is something wrong? Gabrielle:No, not exactly. Just a...small change of plans about the wedding. Victor:What kind of change? Gabrielle:See...Susan was really upset... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] Susan:I mean, I've never seen Gaby so torn up with guilt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:Practically in tears over this whole wedding date thing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] Susan:And she kept saying, please, let me make it up to you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:So after an hour of this, I suddenly heard myself say... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] Susan:Hey, how about a double wedding? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:Wanted to bite my tongue the minute it came out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] Susan:She's so excited, so needy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:Jumping up and down and hugging me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house]
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Susan:I mean, what could I say? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:So we're kind stuck. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] Susan:So what do you think? Mike:I think anything that makes you happy is fine by me. Will this make you happy? Susan:No. I'm screwed. I cannot get out of this without hurting her feelings. Mike:Well, maybe this'll help...I forbid it. Susan:You do? Mike::Sure. Tell her that your groom's an old-fashioned guy and he doesn't want to see anybody on that altar but his bride. If she gets mad, have her take it up with me. Susan:So this is what marriage is about? Having someone to hide behind? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle:So what do you think? Victor:You're gonna have to undo this. Gabrielle:How? Look I know I shouldn't have offered, but I did. I can't just take it back. Victor:Well, you're gonna have to. Do you have any idea what this day means to me? Gabrielle:I do, and I know you've worked really hard to make our wedding perfect. Victor:Exactly. Do you think I want to share it with your friend and her ex-convict fiance? Gabrielle:That's your problem? Victor:Gaby, I'm the mayor of this town. How's it gonna look? There'll be press there. Gabrielle:Press? At our wedding? Victor:Well, we're public figures. Gabrielle:So all of this planning and attention to detail--that's all been about your image? Victor:Of course not. Gaby, this is gonna be the proudest day of my life and I'm not sharing the spotlight with anyone. Gabrielle:How about the bride? Victor:Oh, please. Every eye in that place is gonna be on you. Every woman will wish they were you. Every guy will wish they had you. It's gonna be great. Tell your friends you're sorry. Tell 'em I'll even pay for their wedding. But they're not sharing mine. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Edie is getting ready for bed while Carlos reads the classifieds in the paper.) Carlos:Here's a one-bedroom at the Oaks with a view of the golf course. That's gonna go fast. You know, I'm gonna call on this first thing in the morning. Edie:Or...I know this is the last thing you'd expect to hear from me, but... What if you stayed here with me, and we tried to have a baby? Carlos:What, you're serious? Edie:Well, I saw the look on your face when that test came back negative. Admit it. You were disappointed. Carlos:Yeah, maybe a little. Edie:Well...so was I. Carlos:You were? Edie:Yeah, I was. You know, having Travers here made me realize that I like being a mom. And you're so
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great with him. Well, think...we could have that all the time. Carlos:Edie, nobody wants a kid more than me. It's just... Edie:Yeah, yeah, we're not head over heels in love. We like each other, right? I mean, that's more than a lot of parents have going for them. Carlos:It's...just a very big step. Edie:Carlos, look around. Everyone's taking big steps--Gaby and Victor, Susan and Mike. And this could be our step. And we both need to love someone. No one said it had to be each other. Just think about it. (Edie goes into the bathroom and Carlos looks at the nightstand where Gabrielle's wedding invitation is lying.) Carlos:Let's do it. Edie:You really want to? Carlos:Yeah. I'm tired of waiting for my life to start. Edie:Oh, Carlos! Imagine, with your genes and mine, that child is gonna be a knockout! I'm gonna brush my teeth, I'm gonna flush those birth control pills, and we're gonna get crackin'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house - nighttime] (Susan puts out the trash and sees Gabrielle getting out of her car. They walk up to each other.) Susan:Hey! Gabrielle:Hey! Susan:How are you doing? Gabrielle:Good. Susan:Listen.We need to talk. I spoke to Mike, and, uh, he's just not really into the whole double wedding thing. Gabrielle:Mike said no? Susan:Yeah, he sort of wants the day just to be about us. So we're gonna wait till the fall. I'm so sorry. Gabrielle:No. No, it's okay. Victor was kind of on the fence about it, too. Susan:Oh, good! I mean, not that they said no, just...'cause i really wanted to do it. Gabrielle:Me, too. I think it would've been so much fun. Susan:Yeah. Gabrielle:Well, I gotta go. I'm gonna meet Francois. Susan:See ya. Oh, by the way...you know that one percent sliver of a doubt thing I told you about? Totally gone. Any question I had about Mike's been answered. Gabrielle:That must feel really great. Susan:Yeah. I feel really good about this. Gabrielle:I do, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] Carlos:Our friends are probably gonna make fun of us. Edie:Yeah, I'm sure. But who cares? It's gonna be great. I'm so happy we're gonna be living together. We're gonna have so much fun. I'll be right out. (She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. She takes out her birth control pills, takes one of them, then puts the pills in a small compartment in her purse. She goes back into the bedroom.) Edie:Okay...let's make a baby. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Lynette is reading in bed when Tom gets into bed. He lies on his side, propping his head up with his hand and stares at Lynette. She looks at him.)
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Tom:I talked to my back doctor today. Lynette:What did he have to say? Tom:He said, assuming I exercise reasonable caution I can have sex again. Lynette:And what would that have to do with me? Tom:Well, you don't seem to want to talk to me these days so I figured it's the one thing that we can do together without speaking. Lynette:Remember when I was giving birth to the twins and screaming in agony because Porter was dragging my uterus out with him? Well, I was more in the mood for sex then than I am now. Tom:Lynette? Lynette:Hmm? Tom:I'm your husband. I have to find a way to connect to you somehow. So we can have sex or we can talk. Your call. Lynette:Fine. Let's have sex. Tom:What? Lynette:Yeah. Let's get this off. (She pushes him roughly onto his back and straddles him. She begins tearing his clothes off.) Tom:What, you would rather have sex with me than talk to me? Ow, that hurts. Lynette:I said I'd have sex. I didn't say I'd make love. Tom:Huh, you wanna play rough? 'Cause I could play rough. Cut it out! Lynette:Sorry. I'll try to be gentler as I move down south. (She aggressively grabs at the front of his pants and he sits up, grabbing her wrists roughly to make her stop.) Tom:Okay. Okay! Okay, fine! You are mad at me. But name one thing that I have done to deserve it! Lynette:You had lunch with Rick. Tom:You're damn right I did. I saw the security tape. What was I supposed to do, pretend that nothing was going on? Lynette:Nothing was going on! He never touched me! Tom:And I wasn't gonna sit around and wait until he did! I am glad that I made him quit! Lynette:You didn't make him quit! I fired him! Tom:You what? Lynette:The idiot told me he had feelings for me, which he never would've done if you hadn't pushed him, and now he's gone. It's all your fault. (She pushes at him and he falls back.) Tom:My back! (As he falls, they twist and Lynette lands on the floor, hitting her head on the nightstand.) Tom:Lynette? Honey? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Waiting room] (Tom and Lynette are alone in a waiting room. They sit in separate chairs which are slightly apart from each other. Lynette is holding an ice bag to the back of her head. A nurse pokes her head into the room.) Nurse:It'll just be a few more minutes, Mrs. Scavo. The doctor's looking at your CAT scan. Lynette:Thank you. (The nurse leaves.) Lynette:This whole thing is ridiculous. I bumped my head. Tom:Lynette, you were dizzy and throwing up. You can't be too careful. Lynette:Well, I feel just fine now. Tom:When Rick said he had feelings for you, what did you say?
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Lynette:I said that it was totally inappropriate, and then I fired him. Tom:Do you have feelings for him, Lynette? Do you have feelings for Rick? Lynette:I would never cheat on you. You know that. Tom:That's not what I asked. Did you fall for him? (Lynette's face starts to crumble.) Tom:Oh, god. Lynette:Nothing happened. He's gone. It's over. Tom:Don't tell me that it's over. We've been fighting about this all week. You miss him, don't you? Lynette:Don't do this. Tom:Damn. (Lynette reaches between their chairs and holds onto Tom's hand. He pulls his hand from hers.) Tom:Not now. I can't. (The doctor comes in.) Doctor:Mrs. Scavo? Lynette:That's me. I'll be back. Doctor:Actually, I'd rather have you both come in for this. (The three of them walk into the doctor's office.) Lynette:Is it a concussion? Doctor:No, it's just a bruise. Tom:Well, good. Doctor:But I noticed something in your CAT scan that concerns me. You have a few swollen lymph nodes in your neck. I want to send you in for a biopsy. Tom:A biopsy? Why? Doctor:Have you noticed any change in your appetite lately? Any fatigue, fevers, uhLynette:Stop. Just...stop. What is it you think I have? Doctor:I don't want you to panic. This can be any number of things. Lynette:Is one of them cancer? Doctor:It could be lymphoma. We're hoping the biopsy will rule that out. If you look at the CAT scan...you can see this white area here stands out. These are called submandibular lymph nodes. Lymphoma can vary according to the type of cell that multiplies and how the cancer presents itself. There are two types--Hodgkin's and non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. (Sitting in separate chairs, slightly apart from each other, Tom reaches over and takes Lynette's hand. He squeezes it tightly.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] (Parker is sleeping with the covers off.) Mary Alice Voiceover:From the moment we wake up in the morning till our head hits the pillow at night our lives are filled with questions... (Lynette comes in and pulls the covers up over him. He wakes up.) Parker:Is it morning yet? Mary Alice Voiceover:...Most are easily answered and soon forgotten. Lynette:Not yet, sweetheart. You go back to sleep now. (She kisses him and starts to leave. At the doorway, she turns around and looks at her sleeping children.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...but some questions are much harder to ask because we're so afraid of the answer. Will I be around to watch my children grow up? Am I making a mistake by marrying this man? Could he ever truly love me? And what happens when we ask ourself the hard question and get the answer we'd been
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hoping for? Well, that's when happiness begins. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 3X23: Getting Married Today -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover:Victor made himself perfectly clear. Victor:Whenever I've truly wanted something,I've always gotten it. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree needed to get away. Orson:We're finally taking our honeymoon. Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan couldn't wait to pop the question. Susan:Will you marry me? Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette received shocking news. Doctor:You can see this-- it could be lymphoma. Edie:Why are you so reluctant to make a commitment to me? Carlos:Because I'm not in love with you. Mary Alice Voiceover:And Edie... Edie:What if we tried to have a baby? Mary Alice Voiceover:...engaged in a dangerous deception. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dressing Room] (Gabrielle is getting dressed for her wedding with Susan and Lynette helping her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:When Gabrielle Solis agreed to marry Victor Lang, she was determined to have a very traditional wedding. She was even more determined to be a very traditional bride. To that end, the handkerchief in her cleavage was borrowed, the garter on her leg was blue, and the diamonds on her ears were old. But sadly for Gabrielle, something was missing, and she was about to throw a traditional fit. Gabrielle:It is after three o'clock! Where the hell is Bree with my something new? Lynette:I know her plane landed on time. She'll probably be here any second. Gabrielle:God, I should have my head examined for even agreeing to this. Who the hell cares about Swiss jewelry anyway? Susan:Gaby, Bree went out of her way to buy you that bracelet. Gabrielle:And, of course, it's the hottest day of the year. All the guests are out there sweating like pigs. God, at this rate, my reception's gonna look like the finish line of the Boston marathon. Lynette:If you're that freaked out, just get married without the bracelet. Gabrielle:Are you out of your mind? I can't get married without my something new. Susan:Oh, I have an idea. I just got a lipstick yesterday. You could wear that. Gabrielle:I just paid a makeup artist five hundred bucks to do my face. Do you really think I wanna march down the aisle looking like I just ate a popsicle? Susan:Okay, it's your big day, so I'm gonna let that slide. Gabrielle:God, it is ten after, and Bree is never late! Where can she be? All right, that's it. After I finish "tszujing" my hair, tell the preacher it's showtime. I can't believe my wedding's already ruined, and it hasn't
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even started. (Gabrielle leaves.) Lynette:Hey, I'm starting to get worried about Bree. Maybe we should call. Susan:Yeah. I'm calling her cell. It's ringing. Lynette:Oh, good. (They hear a ringing phone in the room. They turn around and Bree is standing there.) Lynette:Bree! Susan:Oh, wow! Bree:Hello, ladies. (Gabrielle comes back into the room.) Gabrielle:Is that Bree? She better not have come empty-handed! Bree:Oh, I didn't. (Bree holds up a bracelet.) Mary Alice Voiceover:As promised, Bree had arrived with something new. Gabrielle:Holy crap! Mary Alice Voiceover:And she also... (It's revealed that Bree is pregnant.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...brought the bracelet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Three Days Earlier] Mary Alice Voiceover:Family...there is nothing more important. They're the ones we want to laugh with during the good times...and the ones we need to console us during the bad. And even though the time comes when they have to leave us, their voices still linger in our minds. And sometimes we can't help but listen. [Edie's House] (Edie and Carlos are lying on the bed, passionately kissing. Next to the bed is Edie's dead mother, knitting.) Edie's Mother:A tangled web-- that's what you're weaving. Edie:Beat it, mother. Edie's Mother:You really think this little scheme of yours is gonna work? Edie:Of course it will. Look at him. He's practically in love with me already. Edie's Mother:That's because he thinks you're gonna give him a baby. Wait till he finds out you're still on the pill. Edie:Oh, shut up, would you? Edie's Mother:I just thank the good lord your father didn't live to see this. Edie:Well, neither did you. You died alone in a trailer park watching game shows. And why should I listen to you?" Edie's Mother:'Cause I know what's waiting for you, missy. This one's gonna leave you like all the others. You're going to end up old and alone, just like I did. (Edie wakes up suddenly from her dream. She's alone in bed.) Edie:Carlos? Carlos! Carlos:Down here, babe! I'm making you a fruit smoothie. (The doorbell rings. Carlos answers it to find Gabrielle standing on the porch.) Gabrielle:Chicken or fish? Carlos:What? Gabrielle:I haven't gotten your reply card back yet. So chicken or fish?
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Carlos:Oh! Right, your wedding. I can't go. Gabrielle:Why not? Carlos:I'm a jinx. I went to your last wedding, and look how that turned out. Come on, Gaby. We both know it'd be weird if I went. Gabrielle:Okay, maybe a little, but it'll be weirder if you don't. Carlos:Excuse me? Gabrielle:Look, everyone knows you're living with Edie. If she shows up alone, people will think I asked her not to bring you, like it bugs me that you guys are together. Carlos:But it does bug you. You hit the roof when you found out. Gabrielle:Which is why I have to show people that I'm okay with it. Please, just consider it my wedding gift. Carlos:Okay, but I'm skipping the ceremony. Gabrielle:What? And just go to the reception? You can't do that. Carlos:I don't want to make a scene. You'll vow, till death do us part, I'll bust out laughing, people will stare... Gabrielle:Reception starts at four. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House] (Mike is sitting at the table while Susan looks through wedding brochures.) Susan:I'm thinking a chocolate fountain would be a cool centerpiece to a dessert buffet. Mike:Dessert buffet? We're having a wedding cake, right? Isn't that dessert? Susan:Yeah, but you have to give people a choice. Don't you think a chocolate fountain would be elegant? Mike:I don't know...you, a big white dress, melted chocolate. Am I the only one hearing alarm bells? Susan:Fine, we'll skip the chocolate. How out a champagne fountain? Oh, I know! Maybe we can make the champagne flow through the ice sculpture. Mike:Don't you think we might be going a little over-the-top? Susan:Mike, these are all fairly standard wedding features. Now you name one thing that you think is going over-the-top. Mike:How about the dove wrangler? Susan:Well, the doves are not going to release themselves. Mike:Do we really need forty of 'em? Susan:Okay, I know that you think I'm being silly, but all of our friends went to Bree's wedding, and now they're going to Gaby's. Two months from now, do we really want them thinking our wasn't as nice? Mike:It seems to me our friends wouldn't be there to make petty comparisons. They'd be there to celebrate our love. Susan:You would think that, but no. Come on. This is something that we have both looked forward to for so long. Don't you want it to be perfect? Mike:Oh, I guess. About the doves, though... Susan:What? Mike:You in a wedding gown, forty birds circling overhead? Again, not liking those odds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Lynette is sitting at the kitchen table while on the phone. Tom prepares breakfast.) Lynette:Oh, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's, um, Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and apparently, if you're going to get lymphoma, that's the kind you want. (She gets up and walks to the doorway to yell up the stairs.) Lynette:Hey, you wanna hold it down up there, kids? I'm trying to talk to your Aunt Lucy! Thank you! (She sits back down at the table.)
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Lynette:Anyway, I know I said that we would come and visit you this June, but I'll be a little woozy and...bald from the chemo, so...thanks for understanding. Oh, one more thing--our insurance policy has a really high deductible, so we are strapped financially, and I was wondering if maybe you and Dave might be able to...oh, really? No, I am not asking mom. She doesn't know about any of this, so don't you tell her, okay? We'll be fine. I love you. Bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Tom:I take it that's a no on the loan? Lynette:Yep. Dave lost his job at the plant, and he is now handing out flyers at a chicken restaurant, and--prepare to wince-- there is a chicken suit involved. Tom:Ouch. Lynette:So where are we gonna find this ten thousand dollars? Tom:You leave that to me. I want you to focus on getting better. Lynette:But, honey-Tom:I will find it. Meanwhile, we'll make some sacrifices around here. My tennis club membership is up this month. I'm not renewing. Lynette:Should you even be playing tennis after your back surgery? Tom:Probably not. Lynette:Well, in that spirit, as soon as I start chemo, I will be giving up shampoo. Tom:Okay, thanks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Switzland Hotel] (Bree is packing up her toiletries while Orson packs their suitcases.) Orson:Taxi's here. Are you sure you're ready to go back? We could wait another week. Bree:And miss Gaby's wedding? No, I'll be fine. Orson:Is, uh, this the dress you were thinking for the ceremony? (He holds up a pink dress.) Bree:Yes. Orson:Oh, good. I'll fold it in tissue so it doesn't wrinkle. Bree:Oh, darling, I don't deserve you. Orson:Oh, come on. We agreed--no more tears. Bree:I'm so sorry to be putting you through this. I-I wouldn't blame you if you ran like hell and never looked back. Orson:Stop. I'm going to raise this child and love it as if it were my own. Now let's see a smile. (Bree smiles.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Gabrielle, Victor, and Victor's father, Milton, are eating dinner.) Gabrielle:Well, I'm glad you could join us, Milton. It's good to get to know you before the wedding. Milton:Thank you. You know, I must say, all these months, I thought Victor was exaggerating about you. But he hasn't done you justice. You, my dear, are a flawless beauty. Gabrielle:I'm hardly flawless. I'm sure I have a blemish hidden away somewhere. Milton:Now that's a search I would relish. Victor:She is way out of your league, dad. Gabrielle:Honey, he's a multimillionaire. He runs my league. Milton:By the way, Victor, I, uh, ran into Keith Perkinson last week. Victor:And how is the venerable state chairman?
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Milton:Impressed with you. He liked the way you ran your moral campaign, said if you keep your numbers up, he might consider supporting you in the next governor's race. Victor:Really? (Gabrielle starts to laugh.) Victor:What's so funny? Gabrielle:You gotta be kidding, right? I mean, we just finished a campaign. You're not about to put me through another one. Victor:But I thought you loved campaigning. Gabrielle:God, no. It's a complete snore. Pasting a smile on my face while you say the same speech for the fiftieth time? Victor:But you were a natural. People loved you. Gabrielle:Well, the feeling wasn't mutual. You think I enjoyed sipping tea with these frumpy matrons who wore loud, polyblend pantsuits? You know how many times I just wanted to scream, "vote for my husband, you color-blind cow!"?" Milton:I think you've discovered something very important about democracy, my dear--the nation is full of fools, and everyone gets a vote. Gabrielle:Well, they're not gonna get us again. I made nice with Fairview. I'm not about to suck up to the whole damn state. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - middle of the night] (Susan wakes up to an empty bed. She looks over to the closet where Mike is pulling on his clothes.) Susan:What are you doing? Mike:Some guy out in Mount Pleasant's got a cracked water heater. Susan:It's three o'clock in the morning. Mike:Well, I started advertising as a twenty-four-hour plumber. After midnight, I get triple time. Susan:Okay, well, that's crazy. You can't work round the clock. It's not healthy. Mike:Well, this is the third night I've worked this week. I'm fine so far. Susan:You've been sneaking out while I've been asleep? What are you, ninja plumber? Mike:It's just for a little while, earn some extra money. Susan:Is this about the wedding? Mike:We agreed we want it to be nice. Susan:But we didn't agree on this. Maybe I can scale things back a bit. Mike:How? Have a ginger ale fountain? Make paper doves and hope it's windy? Susan:Okay, seriously, you don't have to kill yourself. I could max out my credit card. Mike:Is that really how you want to start our life together--in debt? Susan:No, I wanna start out happy. But clearly, you're upset, and I don't know why. Mike:I'm not Ian. I can't afford to move you into a mansion or fly you off to Paris, but I'll be damned if I don't give you the same dream wedding he would have given you. I'll see you in the morning. (He leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (The doorbell rings. Lynette answers it to find her mother, Stella, standing there.) Stella:Where the hell do you get off having cancer and not telling me about it?! Lynette:Mom... Stella:How do you think you could handle this without me? (Tom comes over.)
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Tom:Stella? Stella:Oh, there's my Tommy boy! Come here! (They hug.) Stella:Oh! God. Oh, listen, be a love, will you, honey, and get my bags from the cab? Tom:Bags? She's staying? Stella:Yep. And do not tip the driver. S.O.B. wouldn't let me smoke. (She walks into the living room where the kids are drawing.) Stella:Jeez, Lynette, I didn't know you opened a day care center. Hey, kids, grandma's here. (The kids don't say anything.) Stella:Okay, what did you tell them about me? Lynette:It's been five years, mom. They don't remember you. Stella:Well, they'll remember me this time. I brought presents. Kids:Cool! Stella:Hey...for you, and...you, and you. (She hands books to the three boys.) Parker:These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these. Stella:Well, I'm too old to remember what the hell six-year-olds like to play with. Twin:We're eight. Stella:What do I care? Lynette:Just say thank you. Kids:Thank you. (She sees Kayla.) Stella:Oh, who's the pretty thing? (to Parker) Your girlfriend? Parker:No! She's my sister! Stella:Oh. Is that Tom's little b-a-s-t-a-Tom:Okay, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs. Come on, Penny. Come on, sweetie. Let's go, everybody. (Tom leads the kids upstairs.) Lynette:Listen, mom, I really appreciate you coming to help, but as you can see, I'm perfectly fine. Stella:For now. Now how you gonna handle that mob when you're flat on your ass from chemo? Lynette:I'll manage. You got through breast cancer while raising the three of us alone. Stella:I was not alone. I had you. (Tom comes back downstairs.) Stella:Lynette was all of thirteen, and she still looked after her sisters, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, and I was curled up in a ball, puking my guts out. Lynette:Well, that's what you get when you mix chemo and vodka gimlets. Stella:You can goad me all you like, Lynette. I did not come here to fight. Now trust me, cookie, I have memorized the whole catalog of subjects you and I can no longer discuss, and if that means that we have to talk about the weather for three months, then fine. But I am staying. Now...if you'll excuse me, I have to go kick a child out of its room. (She goes upstairs.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Edie and Carlos have just finished making love. Carlos lifts Edie's legs so that she's lying on her back, legs in the air.) Carlos:Okay. Legs up!
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Edie:Oh, you wanna do it again? Carlos:No. I've been doing a lot of research, and gravity helps facilitate the sperm reaching the eggs. So...heave-ho! Edie:Oh! Well, could we try a little light spooning before you hang me up like a side of beef? Carlos:Edie, we're trying to have a baby. Edie:Well, could we be a little less clinical? Maybe let nature take its course? Carlos:Nature is not on our side anymore. Look, you're no spring chicken, and those eggs aren't exactly farm-fresh. Edie:Okay, stop referring to me as poultry. Carlos:Sorry. Can we just try this? It's only for thirty minutes. Edie:Thirty minutes?! I am not staying in this position for a half an hour. Carlos:Listen, I know that this requires some work, but it will all be worth it when we have our beautiful, beautiful baby. Right? Edie:Right. I guess I could...make some sacrifices. Carlos:That's my girl. Can I get you anything? Edie:Yeah. I'd kill for a beer. Carlos:Sorry. No alcohol. Edie:What? For how long? Carlos:Just until the baby's born. Oh, and you stop nursing. Don't worry. I'll get you a nice herbal tea. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Tom and Lynette are getting ready for bed.) Tom:It's just for a few months while you're in treatment. We're--we're gonna have to find someone to watch the kids. Lynette:No! I am not leaving that woman in charge of our children. In three months, the twins will be chain-smoking, and Penny will be an alcoholic. We can manage. We've got McCluskey. Tom:She costs money--money that we won't have if we're paying someone to replace you at work. Lynette:You said not to worry about money, that you'd find it somewhere. Tom:I did. Lynette:What, someone loaned us ten thousand dollars? Tom:No, gave us, and we can't thank her by kicking her out. Lynette:No! Tom, you didn't ask my mother?! Tom:Didn't have to. She knew that you hit up Lucy, so she offered. Lynette:Well, we're giving it back. Tom:No, we can't afford to. Lynette:Tom, you don't know half the stuff she did to us. She would get drunk and smack us around. She would meet some new guy and then drop us off at her sister's for a week because he wasn't into kids. Tom:Okay, so she was a crappy mom. You said yourself that she has mellowed. Now she wants to make amends. Lynette:If you would just try to understand... Tom:I think that I've been pretty understanding lately. Lynette:What's that supposed to mean? Tom:I think you know. Lynette:Great, so in the middle of everything I'm dealing with, you're gonna throw Rick in my face. Tom:When someone we love hurts us, if we still love them, we deal with it and we move on. If I can do it, so can you.
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Lynette:So forgiving my mother...that's my penance? Tom:Yeah. I think it is. (Outside their bedroom, Stella walks back to her room after eavesdropping on Tom and Lynette.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's House] (Victor is reading papers in bed when Gabrielle walks into the bedroom wearing an overcoat.) Victor:I thought you said we weren't supposed to spend the night before the wedding together. Gabrielle:Yeah, I was trying to respect tradition...but I got horny. (She opens the overcoat to reveal a sexy piece of lingerie that she's wearing.) Victor:Well, I guess we'll just have to start the honeymoon early, won't we? Let me get rid of this stuff. Gabrielle:What are you working on so late? Victor:Nothing. (Gabrielle looks at one of the papers.) Gabrielle:Polling data? Why are you polling? The election's over. Victor:It's just a little research. God, you look hot. Gabrielle:Is this about running for governor? Because I told you how I feel about that. Victor:My dad just set up a little...exploratory committee. It's no big deal. Gabrielle:Oh. Okay, well, let's explore it now. Nope, not gonna happen. Victor:Gaby-Gabrielle:Victor, ever since we met, it's been photo ops and fund-raisers, and I'm sick of it. Victor:Well, I'm a politician. Do you think I want my career to begin and end in the suburbs? Gabrielle:Fairview is my home, and I don't want to leave it. And you can't make this decision without me. I'm gonna be your wife. Victor:Exactly, not my career adviser. Gabrielle:Oh, so I don't even get a vote? Victor:Not if it's a veto. Gabrielle:Okay, look, no! I already married a man who put his career before me, and I swore I wasn't gonna do it again. Victor:Well, I swore I would not let a stupid woman hold me back. (Gabrielle stares at him.) Victor:That did not come out the way I wanted it to. I'm sorry. I'm sor--I'm really sorry. I've just been under a lot of pressure lately. Gabrielle:Well, here's one less thing you have to worry about-- our wedding. Victor:You can't cancel the wedding. It's too late. Gabrielle:As far as I'm concerned, it's just in the nick of time. (She leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House - early morning] (Gabrielle opens the front door, bleary-eyed. Milton is standing on the porch.) Milton:Good morning, Gaby. Gabrielle:God, Milton, the newspaper's not even here yet. Milton:I'm sorry it's so early. I just...came to apologize. Gabrielle:Why? What happened wasn't your fault. Milton:That's not exactly the case. Is that coffee I smell? (Later, the two of them are drinking coffee and talking.) Milton:You only bolted because Victor wants to be governor. He only wants to be governor because of me.
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Gabrielle:You only suggested it. You can't make him go after something he doesn't want. Milton:The hell I can't. Ever since he was a kid, Victor's been killing himself trying to live upto his big shot father. He's desperate for my approval. Gabrielle:Why? Milton:I suppose because he's never gotten it. Everything he does--even becoming mayor-- I somehow let him know that it's not quite enough. Oh...don't get me wrong. I'm right to push. That's why he's so successful. Gabrielle:So what are you saying, I should marry Victor because you're a withholding father? Milton:No, I just want you to understand why he does what he does. Gabrielle:Fine. I get it. But why would I want a husband who values his father's opinion more than mine? Milton:Well, he doesn't really care much what I think anymore. After you left last night, he called me and, uh...what's the phrase? Tore me a new one? Gabrielle:He did? Milton:He said because of me, he'd lost the best thing that had ever happened to him, and if he couldn't win you back, I could take my money and buy a new son, because I was never gonna be hearing from him again. Gabrielle:He blew off eighty million dollars? Well, if he cares about me so damn much, why am I not hearing this from him? (Milton looks out the window behind Gabrielle.) Milton:I think you're about to. (Victor is getting out of his car and carrying a bouquet of flowers.) Milton:Is there a back way out of here? (Later, he watches from his limo as Victor and Gabrielle talk on the porch, then hug each other.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] Edie is dressed for the wedding. Carlos lounges on the couch. Carlos:Aren't you gonna be late for Gaby's wedding? Edie:Oh, weddings are boring. I like to sneak in at the end, look teary-eyed and pretend I was there the whole time. I am gonna see you at the reception. (She opens the door and a neighbor kid is standing there.) Edie:Oh! Uh, hi, Danny. Um...Carlos, the paperboy's here. Could you pay him? Come on in. (She leaves. Carlos pulls out his wallet.) Carlos:Hey, here you go, Danny. Oh. Uh, looks like I'm a little short. Can I catch you later? Danny:No. Carlos:Okay. Hold on. (He goes over to Edie's purse and opens it. He finds the birth control pills.) Carlos:Oh, my god. Danny:What's that? Carlos:It's birth control pills. Danny:I'm gonna need cash. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's House] (Orson and Bree are getting out of a cab in front of their house. Andrew comes out to greet them.) Andrew:Hey, welcome home! Bree:I have missed you, sweetheart! (They hug and when they separate, Bree reaches down to pick up one of suitcases by her feet.) Andrew:Oh, here, allow me. (Andrew picks up the suitcase. Julie comes over from across the street.
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Bree:Well, hello there, Julie. Julie:You guys are back! Bree:Wow, somebody's...blonder. Julie:Oh, yeah, my mom hates it, too. So where's Danielle? Bree:Well, um, while we were in Switzerland, she ran across this boarding school, and she fell in love with it and just insisted that we let her spend a year abroad. Julie:Wow. She must be having a really good time. She hasn't returned any of my phone calls. Andrew:Oh, well, um, you know, her school's up in the mountains, and--and her cell phone reception is kind of funky. Julie:She hasn't answered my e-mails, either. Bree:Well, I am gonna call her tonight and have a little talk with her about common courtesy, and I'm sure that you will get an e-mail first thing tomorrow morning. Well, we should go. I've got to get that bracelet to Gaby before the wedding. Julie:Well, I'll see you guys there. Bye. (Julie walks away.) Orson:Well, that was uncomfortable. Andrew:You have no idea. Everyone's been asking questions. Bree:This might not be as easy as we'd hoped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dressing Room] (Back to the present, Gabrielle puts on the bracelet Bree gave her.) Bree:There. Now you have something new. Gabrielle:So how do I look? Lynette:You are now officially the most beautiful bride that ever lived. (Lynette looks at Susan.) Lynette:Until your wedding, of course. Susan:Nice save. Gabrielle:It means so much to me that we're all here together right now. (Gabrielle clasps all of their hands together.) Susan:And...break! (They let go of each other's hands.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding] (Gabrielle and Victor are at the altar. Edie is standing in the very back, drinking champagne.) Reverend:We are gathered here today to join together Victor Lang and Gabrielle Marquez in matrimony--an honorable estate not to be entered in lightly, but reverently and soberly. This is a lifetime union-- one based on love, honor and trust... (Edie stops a waiter who's walking by.) Edie:You wanna be my new best friend? Premium scotch. Keep it coming. [At the alter] Reverend:You are promising not only to give of yourself, but also to accept each other, promising not only to love for today, but to extend that love to include... (Carlos storms over to Edie.) Edie:Carlos! I thought you weren't coming until after-Carlos:Save it... (He holds up the birth control pills.)
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Edie:Okay, look, I can explain-Carlos:Don't bother! Your lies were more convincing when I cared. [At the alter] Reverend:Victor, do you take Gabrielle... (Edie runs after Carlos.) Edie:Carlos! You've got to understand. I do wanna have a baby with you, just not yet. I...I just--I wanted to give you a chance to fall in love with me first. Carlos:I don't believe you, and I will never trust you again! Edie:Well, what was I supposed to do? You backed me into a corner, and you were gonna bail on us, and I was just trying to save what we had. Carlos, don't leave me...please just talk to me. Carlos:I am done with you. Edie:Carlos!... [At the alter] Reverend:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Victor Lang. (Edie starts to cry.) Edie:...I'm sorry! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding Reception] (Everyone is mingling. Mrs. McCluskey comes up to Gabrielle.) Gabrielle:Mrs. McCluskey! Enjoy the wedding? Mrs. McCluskey:Nice. Very classy. Although what the hell was that brouhaha between Carlos and Edie? Gabrielle:I don't know and I don't care. Today, I'm so filled with love, I can forgive anyone anything. Oh, um, but if you do see them again, call security. (She walks off and goes over to the table where Bree, Orson, Susan, and Lynette are sitting.) Bree:So we're in Zurich, and I was sick after breakfast for the third morning in a row. And I thought to myself, dear god, I hope I have not developed an allergy to chocolate brioche. Life just wouldn't be worth living. Orson:So I said, that's it. We're seeing a doctor. Well, you could've knocked us over with a feather when he said she was already two months pregnant. Lynette:Aw, I think it's so great, and we could not be happier for you. When's your due date? Bree:Oh, not until the early fall, but enough about me. This is your day--you and Victor--who, by the way, I have not met yet. Gabrielle:Oh, my gosh, that's right. Okay, you stay here. I'm gonna go grab him. (She leaves.) Bree:It is so good to be back. I can't believe how much is happening. I mean, you and Gaby getting married, and I'm having a baby. What's going on with you, Lynette? Lynette:Nothing. Same old, same old. Susan:Really? Is everything okay, sweetie? 'Cause you haven't quite seemed yourself the last couple weeks." Lynette:I'm fine. Everything's just fine. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Inside the house] (Gabrielle finds Victor talking with Milton inside one of the rooms. She stops outside the door, listening.) Victor:I'll tell you this much--I'm exhausted. I'll be glad when this day is over. Milton:Well, it was all worth it. Marrying Gaby is the smartest thing you've ever done. With her bringing in the Latino vote, the governor's mansion's as good as yours. Victor:Well, that's assuming I can change her mind. I had to make certain concessions just to get her down
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the aisle. Milton:You're the husband now. The rules have changed. Be nice, buy her a few pretty things. Trust me, you'll be able to tame that little spitfire. Victor:I'm not too worried. I've always been able to manage my assets. (Gabrielle goes back outside and runs into Bree.) Bree:Did you find him? Gabrielle:No, I'm still looking, but I'll let you know. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette 's House] (The kids are watching a movie on TV while Stella reads a magazine on the couch.) Stella:Oh, movie's over. And may I add...amen. Go out and play. Go on, go on. Out! (The boys run outside, but Kayla stays behind.) Kayla:They're just gonna go play guns. Can I watch another movie? Stella:Oh, Lynette said one was the limit, and she'll be home soon. Kayla:No, she won't. Whenever they go out to a party, they always come home at least an hour later than they say they will. Stella:Aren't you an observant little monkey? Tell me, sweetie...would you know anything about a man named Rick? Kayla:Yeah, I know Rick. My daddy and Lynette had a big fight about him. Stella:Really? Sounds like there's maybe a little story there. Kayla:If I tell you, could I watch a really good grown-up movie? Stella:If it's a really good grown-up story. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wedding Reception] (Susan walks over to Mike, holding a plate of food. She puts it down in front of him.) Susan:Okay, I got you some appetizers to tide you over. We have mini quiches and beef satay and something called Crystal Coast shrimp with grits, but it's mostly just grits 'cause I ate all the shrimp on my way over. Mike? (She sees that Mike is sleeping. She leaves the table and goes over to the Reverend.) Susan:Reverend, that was such a beautiful ceremony. Really, just heartfelt and moving--the whole package. Reverend:Why, thank you. Susan:Yeah, it was really impressive. So what are you doing tonight? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gazebo] (Gabrielle goes into the gazebo and sees Carlos there, slouching on the couch and drinking champagne.) Gabrielle:Oh, Carlos. Didn't know you were in here. Carlos:I got a little thirsty. Gabrielle:Yes. I can see that. (She sits down next to him.) Carlos:Gaby, I am sorry if I ruined your wedding. But if it's any consolation, I also ruined my life. Gabrielle:What are you talking about? Carlos:A couple years ago, I was totally happy. I had a home, you, a great career. And I don't understand how I let it all go to hell. And now here I am, back at square one. I really blew it. Ah, what am I doing? I shouldn't be dumping this on you. It's your wedding day. Go to Victor. I'm gonna stay right here-(Gabrielle reaches over, grabs Carlos, and begins kissing him. They fall back onto the couch together.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Lynette 's House] (Lynette comes downstairs to where Stella is.) Lynette:Well, I don't know how you did it. The kids are asleep, and the cough syrup hasn't been touched. Stella:Boy, you're just waiting foran excuse to give me the boot. Lynette:Well, if history's any indicator, I won't have to wait long. Stella:So you don't think people can change? Lynette:I think at a certain point, people just are who they are. Stella:Well, I think people can change. Now take you. You were the perfect wife and mom...then along came Rick. Lynette:How did youStella:Come on, Lynette. You kids were young when I was sneaking around on Glen, but you knew something was up." Lynette:You heard about this from my kids? Stella:Just the girl, and all she knows is that daddy got mad because Rick liked you. Lynette:Nothing happened between me and Rick. Yes, he came on to me, but unlike you, I controlled myself. Stella:Well, you had Tom to come home to. I had your stepfather. Lynette:Hey, Glen may have bored you, but the years we had a father in that house were the happiest in my life. You didn't care about that, though, did you? You just drove him away. Stella:And you couldn't wait to pay me back. Do you remember what you said the next year when I got sick? Lynette:No I don't. Stella:Liar. You said I earned it. It was God's punishment. How are you feeling now, Lynette? You think you're being punished? Lynette:How can you say that? Stella:You were so sanctimonious. You could not imagine what sort of woman could do that kind of thing. Not so hard to imagine now, is it? Lynette:Stop comparing us. I never did what you did. Stella:No, you just wanted to. Lynette:You're leaving tomorrow. I don't want your money. I don't want you imy house. Stella:Hey. You are sick, Lynette. You think you know what you're in for 'cause you watched me go through it? Watching it is nothing. You are going to feel worse than you thought a person could feel, and I'll be holding your hand through every damn minute. Lynette:You can't stay if I don't want you here. Stella:You can fight me or you can fight the cancer. Trust me, you won't have the strength to do both. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree is sitting up in bed, with her laptop in front of her typing an e-mail to Julie from Danielle's account.) Bree:Andrew? (Andrew comes into the room.) Bree:Do young people still say awesome? Andrew:Not so much. Um, try off the hook. Bree:Off the hook? That doesn't even make sense. Andrew:Fine, type in groovy. See if I care. (Andrew leaves. The phone rings. Bree answers.) Bree:Hello? Hodge residence. Oh, hi, Danielle. Listen, I am sending Julie Mayer an e-mail from you. Now would you say that your school was off the hook? Danielle:Uh, no. I would say it was sucky or crappy or a freaking nightmare.
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Bree:Look, if you're gonna start complaining, I'm going to hang up. Danielle:Mom, you have got to talk to the nuns. They are so harsh with me, and they have all these stupid rules. Bree:Well, perhaps if some of those rules had been in place when you took up with Edie's nephew, you might not be in this little pickle. Danielle:Mom, please, I just wanna come home. Bree:Look, I am gonna say this one last time. You are gonna stay put until that baby is born. Now don't forget, we're driving up this weekend, and I am bringing your favorite--lemon squares, and-(Danielle hangs up. Orson comes into the room.) Orson:Darling...can I draw you a bath? Bree:That would be lovely. Orson:Oh, would you give mea hand, please? (She turns her back and Orson unties the fake pregnancy pillow that Bree had strapped around her.) Orson:There you go. It's almost time for the six-month size. Bree:Oh, don't remind me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - middle of the night] (Mike is on his cell phone.) Mike:No. No, it's no problem. I can fix that for you. Just, um, give me your name and address. Woman on Phone:I'm Mrs. Emmeline Walcott, and I'm at Forty-Two Old Mill Road. Mike:All right, I gotta stop and pick up a douglas valve, but, uh, I should be there in forty-five minutes tops. (He hangs up.) Susan:I hate to see you drive when you're this tired. Mike:There's some iced coffee in the fridge. See you when I get back. (He leaves. Susan gets out of bed and goes into Julie's room. Julie is sitting on her bed, holding the phone.) Susan:You were great. Julie:Did y'all ever doubt I would be? Susan:Just hurry up and get dressed. We only have forty-five minutes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Dark road] (Mike is driving down the road when a man steps out in front of him. Mike stops and the man walks over to him. It's the Reverend.) Reverend:Are you Mike? Mike:Yeah. I'm looking for a Mrs. Walcott's house. Reverend:You've come to the right place. Here, put this on. (He shows Mike a suit that has a note on it: Wear Me. Love, Susan.) (Later, Mike and the Reverend are walking through the woods.) Mike:You mind telling me what Susan's up to? Reverend:Ask her yourself. (He gestures in front of them and Mike sees Susan in a wedding dress underneath a beautiful wedding altar. Chinese lanterns are hanging on trees and Julie is standing there.) Mike:Are you sure about this? I don't want you to look back and regret not having your perfect wedding. Susan:Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but my idea of the perfect wedding keeps changing. One day, I want white roses, and then I want lilies, and first, I want a harpist, and then a string quartet. Only one thing stays constant...and I'm looking at him. Why would I need anything else to make my wedding perfect? Mike:Well, who knew downsizing could be so romantic?
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Susan:Yeah. (Mike looks at Julie.) Mike:Uh, Mrs. Walcott, I presume? Julie:That's right, sugar. Susan:Oh, you might wanna check that breast pocket of your suit. (Mike pulls out a small envelope. Inside are two wedding rings.) Susan:And just so you know, you'll be paying for those and the lights and the flowers. Mike:I've never seen you look so beautiful. Susan:You clean up pretty good yourself. Reverend:Are we ready? Julie:Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing out for three years. Reverend:We are gathered here today to join together Mike Delfino and Susan Mayer in matrimony--an honorable estate not to be entered into lightly, but reverently and soberly... (Later, Susan and Mike clink their champagne glasses together, then the two of them and Julie lean in together for a picture.) Mary Alice Voiceover:Family--there is nothing more important. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House] (Stella is cleaning up the living room while Lynette watches from around the corner.) Mary Alice Voiceover:They're the ones who show up when we're in trouble... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's House] (Victor is talking with Milton in the living room while Gabrielle watches from around the corner.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...the ones who push us to succeed... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's House] (Bree hangs up her pregnancy padding in the closet while Orson watches her.) Mary Alice Voiceover:...the ones who help keep our secrets. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's House] (Edie puts down her glass next to a card on the table that reads "To My Beloved Carlos.") Mary Alice Voiceover:But what of those who have no family to rely on? What happens to those poor souls...who have no loved ones to help them in their hour of need? Well...most learn to walk life's road by themselves. (She takes off her scarf and drapes it over a beam. She stands on a chair, and then steps off the chair, ending up dangling from the ceiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But a sad few of us...simply...stop trying. ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 4X01: Now You Know -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on Desperate Housewives...
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Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan and Mike finally tied the knot. Mary Alice Voiceover:Lynette got some disturbing news. Stella:Where the hell do you get off having cancer and not telling me about it? Lynette:Mom. Mary Alice Voiceover:Bree returned from her trip Gabrielle:Holy crap! Mary Alice Voiceover:with a surprise. Orson:There you go. Mary Alice Voiceover:Gaby married Victor. Milton:Gaby is the smartest thing you've ever done.With her bringing in the Latino vote,the governor's mansion's as good as yours. Mary Alice Voiceover:While Carlos Edie:Why are you so reluctant to make a commitment to me? Mary Alice Voiceover:ended it with Edie. Carlos:I am done with you. Mary Alice Voiceover:But the search for true happiness led to events that were unexpected and distinctly,desperate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:The first thing you should know is that Edie Britt never actually intended to die,but someone she loved was trying to leave her.So she planned every detail,from the silk scarf she'd hang by to the suicide note detailing her despair.Now all Edie had to dowas wait.For her beloved to come home. [Edies front door] (Carlos walks in.) Carlos:Hey,Edie!I'm here to get my stuff. (Carlos begins walking upstairs.) Mary Alice Voiceover:You see,to hold on to her man,Edie knew she'd have to find the perfect moment to let go. (Edie lets go of the overhead beam.) [Edies front Door] (Mrs. McCluskey enters, knocking on the open door.) Mrs. McCluskey:Hey,Carlos! Mary Alice Voiceover:Sadly for Edie. (Carlos stops on the stairs.) Mrs. McCluskey:Can I talk to you? Mary Alice Voiceover:Her timing was fatally flawed. (Carlos turns and walks down the stairs.) [Edies bedroom] (Edies eyes open wide knowing she in trouble. She hears Carlos and Mrs. McCluskey downstairs talking.) Carlos:Mrs.McCluskey? Mrs. McCluskey:I need to show you something.Come here. (Edie grabs the scarf trying to pull herself up.) [Edies front yard] (Mrs. McCluskey and Carlos walk to the curb to his garbage can.) Mrs. McCluskey:What's this? Carlos Those are trash cans. Mrs. McCluskey:I know they're trash cans,smart-ass.I'm asking what they're doing out on a Saturday night
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when the trash got picked up on Thursday. [Edies bedroom] (Edies grip of the scarf is slowing slipping as she loses consciousness.) [Edies front yard] Carlos:Fine.I will take them in.Happy now? (Mrs. McCluskey looks upstairs to Edies bedroom window.) Mrs. McCluskey:Carlos.What the hell is that? (Carlos turns and looks upstairs to the window. He sees Edie hanging and runs inside.) [Edies bedroom] (Carlos runs in, grabs a chair, climbs up and cuts Edie down.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And this is how Carlos Solis arrived just in the nick of time to save the life of Edie Britt. Carlos:Oh,baby.What did you do?Come on,you gotta wake up.Come on,please Mary Alice Voiceover:Of course,had he known what she was about to do to his life,he would've let her hang there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Nighttime] Mary Alice Voiceover: There is a certain time of night,after children have been put to bed and husbands have begun snoring,that women lie awake and think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends. [Susans bedroom] (Mike is fast asleep and Susan is wide awake.) Mary Alice Voiceover: It might be an impromptu wedding [Lynettes bedroom] (Tom is fast asleep and Lynette is wide awake.) Mary Alice Voiceover:or a recently diagnosed tumor [Brees bedroom] (Orson is fast asleep and Bree is wide awake.) Mary Alice Voiceover:or a make-believe pregnancy. [Wisteria Lane Night] (An Emergency truck comes around the corner with red lights and sirens.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Regardless,it's all they will think of,until something comes along to remind them that other people have secrets,too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital] (Bree, Susan and Lynette come rushing in.They walk up to Carlos.) Susan:Carlos.How is she? Lynette: What did the doctors say? Carlos:Uh,theyve got Edie on a ventilator,but she's gonna be okay. Lynette: What the hell happened? How could she pull a stunt like this? Carlos:Uh,she left a note which pretty much blames me. Lynette: Oh,sweetie. Susan:I can't believe this is happening.It's like Mary Alice all over again. Bree: Yes,but the good news is she's gonna live. Lynette: I know it's her wedding night,but do you think we should call Gaby? Carlos:Oh,crap.
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(Carlos runs out of the waiting room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's house] (Victor, is knocking on the bathroom door.) Victor: Gaby?You know,this better be one hell of a wedding night,considering how long you're taking in there. (Gabrielle, fully dressed, is sitting in the bathroom next to her packed suitcases.) Gabrielle:Trust me,Victor.This will be a night you'll never forget. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Gift Room - Gabrielles Wedding Day] Carlos:Let's get out of here. Gabrielle:What? Carlos:I'm serious.You,me-- just screw it all.Let'slet's run away together. Gabrielle:I just got married.There are 200 people out there waiting for me to lead a conga line. Carlos:Gaby,you just said you don't feel like Victor really loves you,and you know I do.I've never stopped. Gabrielle:I can't dump him on our wedding day.That's a horrible thing to do,even to Victor. Carlos:He'll get over it,but I've never gotten over losing you,and I won't let it happen again! (Carlos grabs Gabrielle and kisses her. They hear Victor outside.) Victor: Gaby,you in here?Gaby? (Victor enters the room. Gabrielle is standing very still holding a wedding present.) Gabrielle:I wasjust counting gifts. Victor:Oh,that's fine.I-I was actually looking for that publicist guy.You haven't seen him,have you? Gabrielle:Nope. Victor: Okay.I'll give you a holler when I need you. (Victor leaves. Gabrielle pulls up her dress. Carlos crawls out.) Gabrielle:Come on! Carlos:Who doesn't wear underwear on their wedding day? Gabrielle:Oh,focus,you idiot!Come on.When are we leaving? Carlos:So we're doing this?Great.Uh,it'll take me a few hours to get stuff together.I'm gonna pick you up tonight.Just be packed and ready to go. Gabrielle:Okay.Wait!Aren't you gonna kiss the bride? (They kiss passionately.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victor's House - Present] (Gabrielle sits in Victors Bathroom. Her cell phone rings.) Gabrielle:Finally!Carlos,where the hell are you? Carlos:I'm at the hospital.Edie tried to kill herself tonight. Gabrielle:Oh,my god! Is she okay? Carlos:I found her just in time,but obviously,I can't come pick you up tonight. Gabrielle:Okay,that's all right.I'll just take a cab and meet you. Carlos:Gaby,I can't leave Edie now.Look,maybe in a couple weeks. Gabrielle: In a few weeks? What?No! It has to be tonight!Victor's in the bedroom right now waiting to consummate. Carlos:And Edie's on a ventilator.Look,you don't have to stay with Victor.You have a house. Gabrielle: Okay,you know,running away with you on my wedding night was crazy enough.But runnin away to be alone is insane! Carlos:Gaby,please,she needs me.Can't you just wait?
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Gabrielle: No!I would rather try and work it out with Victor. (Gabrielle hangs up.) Victor: Gaby,are you coming to bed? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's House - Kitchen] (A card with One Month Later on the front. It opens and a drawn picture of Susans wedding is revealed. Mike is reading it with Susan over his shoulder.) Susan:Happy one-month anniversary. Mike:I didn't know we were doing this. Susan:Well,we've just been so happy the last four weeks,I thought we should celebrate. (Mike smiles at the card, puts it down and picks up the morning paper.) Susan:You are happy,right? Mike:Yeah.I've never been happier. Susan:Aw,that's sweet.I don't believe you. Mike:Susan Susan:I watch you sometimes,and you seem very, disconnected,like something's missing. Mike:Nothing is missing. Susan:So our life together is exactly how you pictured it?You've gotten everything you wanted? Mike:Yeah,pretty much. Susan:"Pretty much" means there is something that you want that you don't have.How can I give it to you if you don't tell me what it is? Mike:Susan,I swear,I am ecstatically,beyond my wildest dreams,lip-smackingly happy. You got it? Susan: This marriage is doomed. (Susan walks away. Mike shakes his head and looks out the window.) Mike:Hey,a moving van just pulled up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house Kitchen] (Andrew is sitting having a bowl of cereal. Bree walking in trying to tie on her fake pregnant pack.) Bree:Oh,Andrew,I'm having problems with my strap.Could you help me? Andrew:Look,I told you three weeks ago I was no longer participating in your little hoax,and that includes strapping you in. Bree:Oh,for heaven's sakes.Orson,could you come help me,please?I'll remember this the next time you want money for leather pants. Andrew:People are gonna find out,all right?And then we're gonna all look like idiots. Bree:Well,not if we're careful. Andrew:This isn't the '50s,okay?Teenage girls get pregnant all the time.I mean,my ex-lab partner's practically a grandmother. Bree:Look,this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread.I mean,first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer,then your sister takes up with her history teacher,and now we're supposed to parade a little bastard up and down the street.We might as well sit on the porch and play banjos. (Orson walks in.) Orson: Bree,you know,there's a moving van next door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's House Bedroom] (Lynette with a pillow on her face and Tom are fast asleep.Someone is knocking on the door.) Parker:Mom,are you awake?
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Lynette:Okay,honey.Just give me a minute.Give me a minute. (She throws off the pillow to reveal her bald head and starts to get out of bed.) Lynette: Hey! Hey! My wig is gone.Where is it? Tom:It's on the nightstand. Lynette:No! No,I'm looking at the nightstand,and all I see are a few stray hairs and this sports blooper DVD you thought would cheer me up. Tom:Peyton Manning is funny. Parker:Mom! Lynette:Hey,I'm coming!Hey,don't just lie there like a lump!Come on! Help me look! Tom:Oh,god.Honey,this is one of those moments when it occurs to me that wouldn't it be easier if we just told everyone that you have cancer? Lynette:I found it. Tom:Look,I mean,I get not wanting to scare the kids,but to keep all of our friends in the dark. Lynette: (putting on her wig) Look,I can deal with the chemo.I can deal with people telling me my hair has never looked better.But what I cannot deal with is the pity,so we are doing it my way. (Tom straightens Lynettes wig roughly.) Tom:You were crooked. (Lynette opens the bedroom door.) Lynette:Hey,sweetie,what's up? Parker:There's a moving van across the street. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Gabrielle walks in and overhears Victor talking to a realtor.) Gil: So you want it listed right away? Victor: And don't worry about getting top dollar.I want this place priced to move. Gabrielle:What's going on here? Victor: I'm meeting with our realtor.Gaby,you remember Gil. Gabrielle:I remember telling you I wasn't ready to sell the house yet. Victor:Gil,could you give us a minute,please? Gil:Yeah. (Gil leaves.) Victor:Gaby,we agreed that after we got married,you would sell the house. Gabrielle:I still have a lot of stuff here. Victor:Well,my house is over 10,000 square feet.I'm pretty sure there are closets. Gabrielle:I'm just not in a rush to unload this house,okay?This was my home.I was very happy here. Victor:But we've got a new home now.Aren't you happy there? Gabrielle:Yeah,it's a great house. Victor:Well,good.Then sell this place.What are you waiting for? Gabrielle:I'm not waiting for anything.Oh,look,a moving van. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Daytime] (Movers are unloading boxes and furniture.Bree, Susan, and Lynette are outside watching as Gabrielle walks up.) Gabrielle:New neighbors.What do we know? Bree:Well,uh,dining chairs.There's a clue. Lynette:Yes.It proves they eat sitting down.
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Bree:No,I mean they're stickley.It means they have taste. Gabrielle:And money.They've been remodeling for weeks. Susan:I wish Edie were here.Without her,there's no one to give us the dish. Bree:Yet another illustration of the fundamental selfishness of suicide. (An SUV pulls up in front of the home .) Gabrielle:Do you think this is them? (A woman steps out of the SUV.) Susan:Oh,my god.Katherine.Katherine! (Susan runs across the street to the new neighbor.) Katherine:Ah,Susan! (They hug.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house - Kitchen] (Katherine is pouring lemonade into Susans glass.) Susan:I cannot believe it has been 12 years.You haven't changed a bit. Katherine:Well,you clearly have.Your eyesight's going. (Gabrielle, Bree and Lynette are also in the kitchen.) Susan:How's your aunt?Katherine used to live here with Mrs.Sims. Katherine:Not very well,I'm afraid.That's really the reason why we moved back.I didn't want poor Aunt Lily to spend her final days in a nursing home. Bree:That is so kind of you. Katherine:Yeah,it is.Oh,and as luck would have it,my husband found a job here. (Katherines husband walks up the stairs carrying a box.) Katherine:Adam,could you wave or something? Adam:Hello,ladies.I look forward to meeting you when I'm a little less sweaty. Gabrielle:He's a cutie.What does he do? Katherine:He's a doctor. Lynette:Okay,don't take this personally,but we hate you. (In walks a young girl.) Dylan:Mom?I finished unpacking my room.Do you need any help? Susan:Oh,my god.This is not little Dylan.I'm Susan,Julie's mom.She is gonna be so excited to see you. Dylan:Great.Who's Julie again? Katherine:Honey,you remember--your best friend when you were little. Dylan:Oh,right. Katherine:Why don't you go help your stepfather with the last few boxes? Dylan:It's nice meeting you all. (Dylan goes upstairs.) Bree:What a beautiful family.I feel so lucky to have you for a neighbor. Katherine:No,I am the lucky one.Look at my view.Your garden is absolutely breathtaking.And that pine tree in the backyard. Bree:It's my pride and joy. Katherine:Oh,it absolutely kills me to have to ask you to cut it down. Bree:Excuse me? Katherine:Well,I'm sorry,but I'm not gonna be able to grow my prize-winning vegetables with that tree blocking all the sunlight. Bree:Oh,well,I'm--I'm sorry about your vegetables,but that pine shields my view of the Purcells' backyard,and
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if you had ever seen Mr.Purcell sunbathe,well,you'd know exactly what that tree means to me. (Everyone laughs uncomfortably.) Katherine:Well,I don't want to quarrel.We will not touch that tree until we have come up with a solution to our problem.Curtains,perhaps. Susan:So you're back.How fun.I should have a brunch so that everyone can get to know you. Katherine:No,no need.I'm having a barbecue this Saturday.I'm inviting the whole neighborhood. Susan:Oh,you don't need to do that. Katherine:I insist.I have missed Wisteria Lane so much,and I wanna do something special for my dear,old friends.and all you lovely newcomers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Department Store] (Orson and Bree are shopping.) Bree: The nice thing about this fake pregnancy is my feet don't swell.I mean,I'd never be able to squeeze into these sling-backs if I really was 8-12 months pregnant. Mrs.McKeever:Bree!Don't you look radiant! Bree: Well,hello,Mrs.McKeever. Mrs.McKeever:Well,I heard that you were expecting,but I had no idea how far along you were.May I? (Mrs. McKeever reaches to touch Brees stomach. Bree backs away quickly.) Bree: There's no need.The baby's just not kicking right now. Mrs.McKeever:Sometimes,if you give them a little jiggle,you can get them to move. (She reaches for Brees stomach again.Bree pulls back.) Orson:Oh,she doesn't really wanna be jiggled right now.She's very sensitive down there. Mrs.McKeever:But I'll be gentle.You know,in my day,mothers thought that it was good luck. (She reaches for Brees stomach again.Bree grabs her wrist.) Bree: Perhaps I need to make my point a little more clearly. Mrs.McKeever:Bree,you're hurting me! (Store manager walks up.) Manager:Is there a problem here? Bree: No,not at all!I'm just saying hello to a very dear friend of mine. (Manager walks away.Bree grips Mrs. McKeevers hand tightly again.) Bree: Are you gonna back off now? (Mrs. McKeever nods very frightened.Orson pulls Brees hand off Mrs. McKeever.) Orson:Car's here,dear.Lovely to see you,Mrs.McKeever. (Orson escorts Bree away.) Bree: Why must old ladies always do that? Orson:I don't know,but you've got to stop roughing them up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Susan sits in a hospital gown.Nurse walks in.) Nurse:I'm sorry,Susan.Dr.Gorenberg just had a patient go into labor.His new partner is covering for him,if you're comfortable with that. Susan:Sure.I'm just here for a checkup. Nurse:Doctor? (Adam, Katherines husband walks in.) Adam:Thank you.I'm Dr.Mayfair.I'm gonna (He stops as he recognizes Susan.)
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Adam:hold it.Have we met? Susan:Yes.Yesterday.Susan Mayer.Your new neighbor. Adam:Right. Susan:I-I didn't know you were,this kind of doctor. Adam:I sure am. (Adam pulls up the stirrups on the table and sits between Susans legs and begins putting on gloves.) Susan:Listen,um.maybe this isn'tAdam:Feet up,please. Susan:Okay. (Susan lays down and puts her feet in the stirrups.) Adam:And scootch down. (Susan skooches.) Susan:It's just that it's weird,you know,considering you'rewhere'd you go? (Adam working between Susans legs under a sheet.) Adam:And relax. Susan:Sorry. Adam:And relax. Susan:Sorry. Adam:And relax. Sorry.Um,hey,not to change the subject,but when is Dr.Gorenberg coming back? Adam:Almost done.You know,Katherine has talked about you for years.It's nice to finally put a face to the name. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Barcliff Academy - Auditorium] (Lynette is sitting with her mother, Stella. Lynette keeps fidgeting with her wig.Muriel walks in looking for someone.) Muriel:Lynette! Lynette:Muriel.How are you doing?What's up?You look good. Muriel:Don't try to sweet-talk me,Lynette Scavo.I am fit to be tied.Did you or did you not volunteer to run the fund-raising gala? Lynette:Yeah. Things have been a little weird lately Muriel: Don't even think of wriggling out of this,Lynette.Every other third grade mom has chaired an event.It is your turn. Lynette:Okay.I'll jump right on it. Muriel: Great.Okay. (Muriel walks away.) Stella:See,that's where someone with half a brain would have played the cancer card. Lynette:I can handle it. Stella:Like hell.You've been nauseous all day from the chemo. Lynette: Shhhhh! Stella: (whispering) You shouldn't even be here! Lynette:It's my life.Some stupid disease is not gonna keep me from living it.Besides,Parker's expecting to see me. (Lynette waves at Parker peeking out from behind the curtain.Parker waves back.) Stella:There.He saw you.We'll duck out when the lights go down. Lynette:He's gonna be watching for me all day.He's one of the leads.
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Stella:He's friar Tuck.It's a thankless role. (Play begins, lights go down.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] (Adam walks in with Susans chart.) Adam:Well,everything seems normal.But you say you've been having irregular periods. Susan:Yeah.You know,one month off,two months on.That happens,right? Adam:Ever experience night sweats? Susan:Um,sometimes.But Mike's a big spooner.He's like sleeping with a hibachi. Adam:Um,how about hot flashes? Susan:Okay,whoa.I'm gonna stop you right there.I am way too young for that.Please refer to your chart. Adam: Susan,I know for a lot of women the word "menopause" has negative connotations.They hear,um,"aging," "brittle bones," um,"loss of sexual desire." Susan:Okay,before we go any further,can I check those diplomas?'Cause I would just like to make sure that they're not from some med school in the Philippines. Adam:Look,there's a simple blood test we can use to find out. Susan:I don't need any test!I am not old enough for menopause.Now I don't know what kind of nonsense they taught you at.Harvard Medical School,Class of '97?Oh,my god!I am old!Just give me the damn test. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Barcliff Academy - Auditorium] (Parker is on stage.) Parker: (on stage)We will live in these woods till our work is done.If the sheriff comes,we will drive him away with our bows and arrows. (Lynette is getting more and more nauseous.Her mother watches her.) Stella:You okay? Lynette:I'm feeling a little. Parker: (on stage)God save all ye merry men!I beseech thee!Pray that I may join your man-- band of merry men. (Lynette fans herself.) Parker: (on stage)I am more than just a jolly friar,for I can have both a sword and an arrow!We must support Robin Hood. Lynette:Oh,I'm gonna be sick! Man: (sitting next to Lynette) Right there with you,lady. Parker: (on stage)All hail Robin Hood! (Audience applauds and stands up.Lynette is getting more and more nauseous.) Stella:Okay,let's go. Lynette:No! It's too late! (Lynette grabs a large black purse off the floor and vomits into it.She puts it back and stands up and claps.) Lynette:Bravo!I'm sorry.I'll get you a new purse. Stella:Fine,but that wasn't my purse. (They both look down at the purse and sees that it belongs to Muriel.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane daytime] (Katherines barbeque. She is walking around talking to guests.) Katherine:Hello. You have everything you need?You just let me know.Hi!Good to see you!Oh,you look great! (Mrs. McCluskey is at the buffet table getting food.)
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Katherine:Mrs.McCluskey. Hello.How are you? Do you remember me? Mrs.McCluskey:You're Bess Truman,right?Of course I remember you.If that's your way of checking if my brain's gone all tapioca,I'm fine. Katherine:Sorry. Mrs.McCluskey:So I saw your kid and your new husband. Nice catch. Katherine:Oh. Well,thank you.I'm very eager for him to experience life on Wisteria Lane.The times that Dylan and I spent here were the happiest of our lives. Mrs.McCluskey:Yeah? Then why'd you take off so suddenly?You skipped town without even saying good-bye. Katherine:My,you do remember a lot,don't you?Excuse me. Really must mingle. (Mike at the buffet table with Susan.Mike smells his plate.) Mike:I think these eggs are past their prime. Susan:Oh,so you just shun them and throw them away. Mike:Well,yeah,since mayonnaise left out in the sun can kill ya.Everything okay? You seem kinda moody today. Susan:Yeah,get used to it. Mike:Okay,did I do something wrong? Susan:No.I'm sorry.I'm just a littleyou know what? Forget it.Let's eat. (Mrs. McKeever at a table with other older ladies calls out to Susan.) Mrs. McKeever:Yoo-hoo,Susan! We saved you a place! Old ladies: Come on! We want you over here.Come on. (Susan starts to cry and runs off.) (Julie walks up to Dylan and hugs her.) Julie:Oh,my god! Dylan! Dylan:Hi. Julie:It's me. Julie. (Katherine runs up.) Katherine:Julie's the one we were talking about.Hi,honey! Julie:Hi! Katherine:She was your best friend. Julie:Yeah,and I-I brought you a little wcome back gift. Your favorite. Katherine:Oh,my goodness.You remember how much you used to love licorice? Dylan I did?Okay. Julie:Come on. I've got some of the old gang I want you to meet. Katherine:Have fun! (Susan and Mike are sitting at a bench.) Mike:Menopause?Aren't you a little young for that? Susan:I know.And you thought you married a vibrant woman in her prime,and instead,you got a wife who's.dry and dusty. Mike: (laughs)Oh,honey.No,it's--it's a natural part of life. Susan:Yeah,the part before death. Oh! Mike:Look,I know that it's upsetting,but it's really not that big a deal. Susan:Yes,it is! What if you wanna have kids? Mike:We agreed that we didn't. Susan:No,you said you did. Mike:I said I didn't,then you changed your mind.
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Susan:What if you change it back? Mike:That's not gonna happen. Susan:Listen,my last egg could be on its way down the chute at this very moment.If you wanna have kids,you might wanna jump on it right now. Mike:All right this is all very romantic,but let me be clear about this,okay?I love you,and if kids don't happen,I'm fine with that. Susan:I don't want you to be fine.I want you to be happy. Mike:All right,I'm just trying to find a nice way to shut you up,so (Mike kisses Susan.) Susan:Yep,we're doomed. Mike:Hey. Hey,look who's back. (Carlos is escorting Edie down the street.) Susan:Oh,my gosh. She's out of the clinic. Edie:Thanks,darling. (Lynette, Bree, Gabrielle and Susan approach Edie.) Edie:Hi! Lynette:Hi!How are you? Edie:Oh,carefulthe neck. Lynette:Oh,sorry. Edie:Thank you all so much for the cards.Sometimes it takes a near tragedy to realize just how much you're loved. (Edie tries to put her arm in Carlos arm, and he pulls away. Carlos:So why don't you talk to your friends,and I'll go unpack the car? Edie:Oh,thanks,sweetheart. (Carlos drives away.) Edie:I have to admit that I wasa little concerned about how you'd react when you saw me.But this. throwing me a party? (The ladies stare at each other awkwardly.) Susan:Well. we just all love ya. Lynette:And,Edie,you look great. Especially,you know,given the circumstances. Edie:You mean that I tried to hang myself.It's okay.The doctor encouraged me to talk about it. Bree:Surely not over food. Edie:Well,Carlos and I talk about it all the time.You know,and this whole thing has just brought us closer together.We've actually talked about marriage. (The ladies laugh nervously.Katherine joins the group as Gabrielle walks away.) Katherine:Hello. I don't think we've met.I'm Katherine Mayfair,your new neighbor. Edie:Oh,Edie. It's a pleasure to meet you.Welcome to my party. (Katherine stares at Lynette bewildered.Carlos is by his car emptying the trunk.Gabrielle walks up.) Gabrielle:So I hear congratulations are in order.Edie just announced you're getting married.Best wishes! Carlos:We're not engaged.That was just a kind of a what if conversation. Gabrielle:Really? Because she thinks you're getting married.Everyone else thinks you're getting married.So,again,best wishes. Carlos:Gaby,the woman tried to kill herself because I left her.She's not real good with disappointment. Gabrielle:Neither am I!You told me you wanna run away together,and then I don't hear from you for a month! Carlos:That was only because I was going through stuff with Edie,but it doesn't mean that I wasn't thinking about you constantly.
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Gabrielle:You were not. Carlos:Yes,I was.Every second of every day. Gabrielle:Yeah,well,Ikind of thought about you,too. Carlos:I need to be with you,Gaby. Gabrielle:Yeah?Prove it. Carlos:Can you get away tonight? Gabrielle:Oh,my god,are you serious? Carlos:Damn right I am. (Carlos pulls Gabrielle down behind the car.They begin kissing passionately.) Carlos:I just have to be back by midnight to give Edie her pills. (Gabrielle pushes Carlos away.) Gabrielle:What? Carlos:If we're gonna have an affair,we've gotta be discreet. Gabrielle:Affair?I thought we were talking about runng away together. Carlos:I can't do that.Edie's too fragile right now. (Carlos pulls Gabrielle behind the car again and starts kissing her.Gabrielle hits him.) Gabrielle:That old battle-ax is gonna outlive us all! Carlos:Hey,don't talk about her like that. Gabrielle:Oh,far be it for me to speak ill of the future Mrs.Carlos Solis. Carlos:We are not getting married! Gabrielle: (storming away)Best wishes! (Orson is serving himself and Bree is on the cell phone.Two boys run up to the table to get some chicken.They leave the barbeque fork poking outward.) Bree:(on phone)No. Absolutely not.That's my final answer.Well,talk to you later.(hangs up)That was Danielle.Now she wants us to send a DVD player for her room. Orson:Well,that hardly seems extravagant. Bree:You're missing the point! It's a convent,not the four seasons.You have mustard on your chin. (Bree goes to the table to get a napkin.The protruding fork pokes her in the pregnancy pack. She pulls away from the table with the fork lodged in her pack.Bree walks back to Orson to wipe his face.) Bree:I mean,it's one thing to forgive bad behavior. It's another thing to reward it.There are consequences for her mistakes. (As Bree wipes the mustard off Orson Ida see the fork protruding from Brees stomach.) Ida: Ahhhhh.Bree! Oh,my god! (Ida runs over frantic.) Ida:Are you all right? Bree:Oh! No,no,I'm fine!I'm fine! (Bree looks down and sees the fork protruding from her belly and pulls it out.) Ida:You're bleeding! Bree:No,no,no!It's just,uh--oh,it's a little barbecue sauce. Ida:Where is Katherine's husband?He's a doctor. Orson:She's fine. Ida:(yelling)Adam! Adam! (Adam runs over.) Ida:Get over here right now!Bree got stabbed in the belly! Adam:Oh,my god,are you all right? Let me take a look. (Orson steps in the way and Bree turns around.)
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Bree:No,it's nothing! Orson:Ah,uh,we were just teasing Ida.It's something we do. Bree:Yes. Orson:Look,it's a. trick babarbecue fork.We got it at a magic shop.Uh,see? (He stabs Brees belly) Bree:Ohh. Orson: Retractable! (Orson and Bree laugh.Orson stabs her again.) Bree: (laughing) Oh,my baby! Adam:Wow.That's quite a trick. Orson:Hey,let's go freak out Mrs.McCluskey. (They high five: each other and Orson runs off.) Bree:He's such a scamp. [Picnic table] (Lynette and her mom are sitting and Tom comes up behind them.) Tom:Psycho mom at 5:00.You say the word,she gets a face full of pig bones. (Muriel approaches them.) Lynette:Aw,my hero. (kisses Tom)I can handle her. Muriel: Lynette.I just spoke with Helen,and imagine my surprise when she told me that you'd not started on the decorations for the gala. Lynette:I'm in charge of decorations? Muriel:Yes,which you would've known had you bothered to pick up the packet. (Muriel hands Lynette a package as her mother looks on.Muriel walks away as Lynette opens the packet.) Lynette:I don't want to hear it. Stella:Okay. (Penny runs up to the table.) Penny:Piggyback,mommy. (Lynette leans over and starts picking up Penny but she is too tired and cannot.) Lynette:I'm sorry,sweetie.I'm just-- I'm just too tired right now. Stella:Here,honey,I'll get ya.Ohh. (Stella picks up Penny and Penny giggles.) Stella:Yes!Mommy has to conserve her energy for more important things. (Bree and Orson are running away from the barbeque.) Bree:We are not throwing in the towel over a minor mishap. Orson:How many more mishaps are we gonna get away with?Yesterday,it was an old woman in the Macy's shoe department.Today,a magic fork in the belly.Pretty soon,this whole charade will completely unravel,and we will be humiliated. Bree:We're already in too deep. Orson:We could go on a trip,tell people you miscarried while we were away. Bree:And then what would happen to the baby? Orson:Well,Danielle would keep it. Bree:You think Danielle could raise this child?Orson,you've seen her in action.She's--she's shallow,and she's--she's selfish!She would ruin this child's life! Orson:How can you say that? Bree:Because I'm her mother.And I know what I've created,and that's the real humiliation.Orson.This child deserves better.And I know what to do now. Please,please let me try.
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Orson:So,really,what you want is a second chance? Bree:Well,would that be so horrible? (Orson gently places his hands on the pregnancy pack.) Orson:Well,then,let the charade continue. (As the walk back toward the picnic, Lynette and Murielle are walking away.) Muriel: So you're bailing on me now? Lynette:I know.The timing is terrible. Muriel: Damn right!It's three weeks before the gala. Lynette:I just didn't realize how tired I would be when I took this on. Muriel: Oh,we're all tired,Lynette.But some of us still manage to honor our commitments. Lynette:Okay,I'm gonna be honest with you.I haven't been feeling that great lately. Muriel: Oh,don't whine to me about your aches and pains.I've had the same migraine since '87.And my knee's so bad,I can't even use the treadmill anymore. Lynette:Yeah.That's rough.By the way(pulling off her wig to reveal her bald head)I have cancer. Muriel: (staring in shock) I'll give Helen a call. (Muriel walks away quickly.Lynette looks up and sees Bree, Gabrielle and Susan looking at her in shock.) (Lynette, sans wig, Susan, Bree and Gabrielle are talking.) Lynette:So I am halfway through chemo,and my doctor is very confident that I'm going to beat this,so you can all relax.I'm not going to die. Gabrielle:Well,not unless we kill you. Susan:Damn it,Lynette. What did we say after Mary Alice.After Edie? Why didn't they tell us? Bree:We're your friends. Why would you shut us out? Lynette:I just liked being able to throw on my wig and join you guys for a cup of coffee and a good gossip about the new neighbors.You know,for five minutes,I could pretend I wasn't a sick person.But once your friends know you're sick,you can't pretend anymore 'cause you can see it in their eyes--the fear,the pity. Susan:Is that all you see in our eyes? Lynette:No. No,of course not.You know what? Let's make a pact.No more secrets.From now on,we tell each other every shocking detail of our lives. (Lynette holds out her hand. Susan holds it.) Susan:I'm in. Gabrielle:Me,too. (Gabrielle grabs their hands.) Lynette: (to Bree who is holding her stomach) You with us? Bree:Absolutely. (Bree pats her stomach and reaches for the girls hands.) Bree:No more secrets. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Victor is reading a document.Gabrielle put a bottle of wine on top of it.Victor looks up at Gabrielle holding two wine glasses.) Gabrielle:You're right. I'm not happy.Let's talk.( Focus on half empty wine bottle.)All I'm saying is I just wanna know that I come first with you.Sometimes I feel less like your wife than a possession.It's demeaning.It's--it'swhy are you smiling right now? Victor:Because this is fantastic.After weeks of shutting me out,you're finally telling me how you feel.We should do this all the time. Gabrielle:Well,it's hard when you're so busy.Maybe we should go away and just take a couple weeks a
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month.Let's rediscover what it was that made us fall in love to begin with. Victor:That is a great idea. Let's do it. Gabrielle:How's next week? (Victor grabs his calendar and flips through it.) Victor:Let's see here.Well,I've got the meeting with the school board on Tuesday.And the end of the month,I've got that conference in Washington--oh,shoot.I've got the groundbreaking for the new civic center.Dad's birthday.Economic Development Forum.How about April?I can give you two whole weeks in April. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] (Carlos comes running down the stairs.Edie is sitting on the couch.) Carlos:I'll see you later,babe. Edie:Where you going? Carlos:To Scavo's for a few beers. Edie:Can I come? Carlos:No. Edie:Why not? Carlos:Edie,I know you've been through a lot lately,but I can't hold your hand 24 hours a day.If you want this relationship to work,you gotta give me some downtime. (Carlos walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] (Carlos knocks and walks in.) Carlos:Okay,so I managed to get away from Edie.What do you want? Gabrielle To get you away from Edie. (Gabrielle grabs Carlos and they begin kissing passionately.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane daytime] (Julie and Dylan are sitting at a park bench.Julie is showing photographs.) Julie:Oh,come on.You have to remember your boyfriend Joey Miller.You used to chase him around the jungle gym. Dylan:Really?You'd think I would've gone for this guy with the sexy finger up his nose. Julie:So you don't remember any of the kids we used to play with? Dylan:No.To be honest,I don't remember anything about living here. Julie:Really?So. what is your earliest memory? Dylan:I don't know if this is a memory,butfor years,I've had this creepy dream.I'm really little,and there's a guy in my room,and he tries to grab me. Julie:That is creepy.Havehave you ever talked to somebody about it? Dylan:You mean like a therapist?My old babysitter suggested that,but my mom got mad and said no. Really? Dylan:Yeah.Then she fired the babysitter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susan's house] (Susan is working on her drawings.) Adam:Susan? Susan:I'm in here.
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(Adam walks in.) Adam:Uh,your front door was open. Susan:No problem.Um,what's up? Adam:First,let me just say this is one of the more embarrassing moments of my career,and you have every right to hate me. Susan:Adam,I have no idea what you're talking about. Adam:Well,your test results came back,and your estrogen levels are fine.You're not about to start menopause. Susan:Really? that's fantastic! Adam:There's more. Susan:More? (Mike walks in.) Adam:You're pregnant. Mike:What? Wh-what did he just say? Susan:I'm pregnant? (Adam nods.Susan turns to Mike.) Susan:He said I'm pregnant. (They laugh and Mike picks Susan up and they kiss.) Mike:I have never been happier. Susan:Well,now I believe you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house Living room] (Carlos is sleeping on the couch.Edie comes downstairs.) Edie:There you are. Carlos:I'm sorry.I got in late last night.I didn't want to wake you. Edie:You don't have to explain.I trust you. Carlos:Well,good. You should. Edie:I just wish you trusted me a bit more. Carlos:What are you talking about? Edie:Why didn't you ever tell me about your offshore bank account? Carlos:What? Edie:Well,you know,the one in the Cayman islands with $10 million in it.I miss you when you're gone.Going through your things makes me feel like you're with me. Carlos:Okay,um,I know how this looks. Edie:What did you think I was gonna do?Tell people?Turn you in? Try to get my little hands on it?I don't care about money,Carlos.All I care about is you.That's why this relationship is going to work.You can trust me with your secrets,just like I can trust you not to hurt me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane Morning] (The paperboy is delivering the morning paper as kids are running to catch the school bus.) Mary Alice Voiceover:There is a certain time of morning.It occurs after kids have left for school and husbands have headed off for work. [Lynette's House] (Lynette is looking out her window drinking coffee with a scarf around her head.) Mary Alice Voiceover:It's a time when women think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends. [Gabrielle's house]
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(Gabrielle is looking out her window drinking coffee.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And how shocked they would be if the truth was discovered. [Bree's house] (Bree is looking out her window drinking coffee.) Mary Alice Voiceover:And how they'll do everything in their power to keep that from happening. [Susan's house] (Susan is looking out her window drinking juice, smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover:But what of those lucky women who have no secrets left to keep?What do they think about every morning? Susan:Hey!Is something wrong? Julie:It's justDylan and I used to be best friends.I mean,we did everything together. Susan:I know. She was like a sister to you. Julie:Well,that girl that I've been hanging out with.and I know this is gonna sound crazy,butthat's not the same girl. (Julie picks up her backpack and leaves. Susan turns back to the window looking at the Mayfair house.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:These women spend their mornings thinking of their neighbors and the secrets.they may be keeping. [Katherine's House] (Katherine is standing in a dark room upstairs.Adam enters.) Adam:There you are. I've been calling you.Is this the room? Katherine:Yes.Dylan's been asking me if she can move in here. Adam:So let her.You may remember what happened here,but she can't. Katherine:Doesn't matter.I won't allow it Adam:Hey,you okay?Did we make a mistake coming back here? Katherine:Did we have a choice? (They walk out and Adam closes the door and lock it.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 4X02: Smiles of a Summer Night -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover: The new neighbor... Susan: Oh, my god. Katherine. Mary Alice Voiceover: Turned out to be an old friend of Susan's...and that pine tree in the back yard... Bree: It's my pride and joy. Mary Alice Voiceover:who had a problem making new friends. Katherine: Oh, it absolutely kills me to have to ask you to cut it down. Mary Alice Voiceover: Her daughter couldn't recall the past. Susan: I'm Julie's mom. Dylan: Who's Julie again? Katherine: Your best friend when you were little.
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Mary Alice Voiceover: But her husband had news for Susan. Adam: You're pregnant. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette revealed her condition. Lynette: I have cancer. Mary Alice Voiceover: Gaby and Carlos began a secret affair. Carlos: Can you get away tonight? Gabrielle: Are you serious? Mary Alice Voiceover: And Edie uncovered a secret of another sort. Edie: Why didn't you ever tell me about your offshore bank account--the one with $10 million in it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane daytime] Mary Alice Voiceover: The great crime wave hit Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday afternoon. That's when residents found their barbecues upended [Brees backyard] (Bree finds her barbeque tipped over.) Mary Alice Voiceover:their clean laundry trampled... [Katherines backyard] (Katherine picks up a shirt from the ground that has a mud footprint on it.) Mary Alice Voiceover:and their skateboards missing. [Lynettes front yard] (Parker looks around but cant find his skateboard.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Naturally, everyone began to ask who could be responsible for such carnage. (Bree and Katherine in the front yard talking. In the background is Gabrielles home.) Mary Alice Voiceover: The answer lay in the home of a neighbor who,20 minutes earlier, had been engaging in... [Gabrielles bedroom] Gabrielle and Carlos are in bed making out. Mary Alice Voiceover:an altogether different type of crime. Carlos: Oh, I gotta get back. I told Edie I was just going for a jog. Do I look sweaty enough for a 5-mile run? Gabrielle: Yeah. Unfortunately, it's my sweat. When are you gonna dump her? Carlos: It's complicated, okay? Besides, I don't see you in any big hurry to dump Victor. Gabrielle: Generally speaking, women don't leave their husbands for guys who have girlfriends. Just boot the bi*ch. What are you afraid of? Carlos: Hey, I am not afraid of... (Carlos looks out the front window and falls to the floor behind the dining room table.) Carlos: Oh, my god! Gabrielle: What the hell's the matter with you? Carlos: (pointing outside) Edie! (Gabrielle looks out to the front porch and sees Edie coming up the steps.Edie knocks, Gabrielle grabs her clothes.) Edie: Gaby, you in there? Gabrielle: One second! (Gabrielle opens the front door.) Gabrielle: Edie! What brings you here? Edie: I'm looking for Carlos. He went for a run, but it was hours ago. Gabrielle: Sorry. Haven't seen him.
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Edie: (entering Gabrielles house) Really? Because Ida Greenberg said that she thought she saw him on your porch. Gabrielle: Uh, that's impossible, because he's there! There he is! Edie: What? Gabrielle: Carlos! He's at your house. Oh, he just let himself in. There you go. He's home. Edie: Okay. Well, thanks. (Edie leaves. Gabrielle closes the door as Carlos comes out of hiding.) Carlos: You told her I was at home. Gabrielle: So? Carlos: So I'm not at home. I'm here. What the hell am I supposed to do? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles front yard] (Gabrielle comes running out of the house as Edie is driving out of Gabys driveway.) Gabrielle: Edie! Edie, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Don't go! Don't go! Edie: (stopping in the street) Why? Gabrielle: Uh, you, uh, have a birthday coming up, and, uh, I don't know what to get ya. (As Gabrielle leans on Edies car window Carlos runs across the street behind Edies car. Carlos runs through the neighbors gate into Brees yard knocking over the barbeque.) Gabrielle: Or maybe a coffeepot or scented hangers ora nice clock radio. Edie: Gaby, I don't have time for this. Why don't you just surprise me? Gabrielle: Uh, wait, but don't go! I-I need a little more guidance! (Edie drives off. Carlos runs across Brees yard into Katherines yard and throw her laundry hanging on the line. Edie continues driving home. Carlos sees Edie driving down the street when a basketball bounces in front of her car causing her to brake. He stops Parkers skateboard. The Scavo twins run into the street and chase the ball.) Edie: Damn it, boys! You should not be screwing around in the streets! Somebody's gonna get hurt! (As Edie begins driving home, Carlos, on the skateboard, is hanging off the back of her car. As she pulls in front of home, Carlos rolls off the skateboard and runs to the house. He grabs at the locked door. Edie walks into the front door.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] (Carlos is in the living room staring at the side door in which the window is broken.) Edie: Carlos! Carlos: Can you believe this? Someone broke into our house. Edie: Oh, my god. Mary Alice Voiceover: And so ended the great crime wave on Wisteria Lane. No one ever found out who was responsible... (Carlos puts his arm around Edie. Edie pulls away.) Edie: Ew. Honey, you're all sweaty. Go clean up. Mary Alice Voiceover: Because it was an inside job. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane daytime] (A young man smiling, walking his dog passes a smiling Ida Greenburg.) Mary Alice Voiceover: You will never see despair here...or rage.
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(A mailman handing a resident her mail, smiling.) Mary Alice Voiceover: You will never see the tiniest bit of regret. [Brees front door] (Orson exits with his briefcase. He goes to his car as Edie passes by power-walking.) Mary Alice Voiceover: You see, the people who live here have learned there is - one sure way of hiding their secrets... [Katherines front yard] (Katherine waves at Gabrielle, Bree and Susan who are having coffee in Susans front yard. They wave back.) Edie: Hey. Mary Alice Voiceover:from their neighbors. That's why, in the suburbs, there is nothing more deceptive than a smile. Bree: So what did Julie say, exactly? Susan: She said Dylan's not the same girl. Gabrielle: Not the same girl like she's changed, or not the same girl because she's been replaced by a robot? Susan: I know it sounds weird, but Julie says Dylan does not remember anything about living here. Bree: Well, maybe she blocked it out. Did something bad happen to her when she was young? Susan: I'm not sure. But there was something odd about the way they left. (Katherine walks up.) Katherine: So...if it isn't the early morning gossip brigade. Who are we dishing today? Gabrielle: Uh, Susan. Katherine: She's standing right there. Gabrielle: Oh, my god. Have you been there this whole time? Katherine: Anyway, I wanted to talk to you girls about Lynette. Bree: What about her? Katherine: Well, since she's been so tired from chemo, I thought it'd be nice if we did something for her like bring her lunch? Susan: Uh, that sounds great. Bree: Yeah, let's do it. Um, Gaby, why don't you bring your vegetable lasagna? Susan, you do beverages, and, uh, Katherine, why don't you bring a simple green salad? Katherine: I'd rather bring dessert. Bree: Oh, no need, dear. I always bring dessert. Oh, I'm thinking my lemon meringue pie. Susan: Oh, yum. Katherine: Yeah, here's the thing. The movers lost my salad bowl. My pie plates, on the other handBree: Will not be needed. As I said, I always bring dessert. Susan: I know. I will lend you my salad bowl. You really don't wanna miss Bree's pie. It's perfect. Katherine: Who am I to argue with perfection? Sorry. It's just, something has been driving me crazy. (Katherine pulls mini scissors out of her pocket. Leans over and snips a hanging thread off Brees skirt.) Katherine: Now you're perfect. (Katherine turns and walks away as the housewives look shocked.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital Cancer Ward] (Lynette is receiving chemotherapy while she and Tom are playing cards. Tom keeps staring at the needles going into Lynettes arm.) Tom: D-does it hurt? Lynette: It's a little uncomfortable, but I'm fine. Take a card.
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(Tom picks a card and puts it down immediately. Lynette picks it up.) Lynette: Hey, I told you I'm collecting queens. Pay attention. Tom: You remember we played this when you were in labor with Parker? 42 hours without meds. I'll never forget what a trouper you were. (starts tearing up.) Lynette: Well, let's not compose my eulogy just yet. I'm still troupin'. Take a card. Tom: Right. (Tom picks a card.) Tom: It's funny. We played cards on our honeymoon the day that it rained. Do you remember that? Wewe lit a fire Lynette: You're doing it again. Tom: Sorry. (Tom puts down a card.) Lynette: Hey, I told you I'm collecting queens. Tom: Shoot. That's right. Lynette: Oh, my god. Are you letting me win? Tom: I just wanna make you feel good. Lynette: By taking all the fun of the kill? Tom: Honey, I'm sorry. It's just...I love you so much. (tearing up again) Lynette: Out. Tom: What? Lynette: You are supposed to be distracting me, not depressing the hell out of me. Tom: You're kicking me out of chemo? Lynette: (waving him away) I'll see you at home. Tom: (getting up) Honey, I'm your ride. Lynette: Just go. I'll cab it. Tom: There's that trouper that I admire so much. (tearing up again) Lynette: Out! (Tom leaves as Lynette shakes her head.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] (Carlos arrives home and sees a brand new convertible in front of their house. Edie comes running out of the house.) Edie: Carlos! Hi! Carlos: Hey, there's my birthday girl. Edie: Oh. Mmm! Carlos: It's a nice car. We got company? Edie: No. Carlos: Then whose is it? Edie: It's...your birthday present to me. Surprise! Carlos: A car. I was gonna get you earrings. Edie: So? Get 'em. And I will drive around with the top down so everyone can see them. Carlos: Edie, I can't afford this. Edie: Of course you can. Just move some of your offshore money onshore. Carlos: I told you, that account was a secret, which it's not gonna before long if I start buying $80,000 cars. Now I'm sensing that this little nest egg of yours is a teensy bit illegal. Where'd it come from? Carlos: You don't need to know that, and the I.R.S. doesn't, either. You want me to go to jail?
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Edie: Goodness, Carlos. I-I had no idea that your situation was so...precarious. Well...I guess I'll just have to take this back to the dealership. Carlos: Thank you for understanding, babe. Look, if...if you don't want the earrings, just pick something else out instead. Just not too extravagant. Edie: Don't worry. I have a thought, and it's right in your price range. (Edie speeds away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] (Susan walks up the steps with a salad bowl and rings the bell.) [Flashback] (Katherine house long time ago. Katherine opens the door. A young Susan and young Mary Alice are at the front door. Katherine: Oh! Hi. Susan: Hey, Katherine. What's going on? Mary Alice: Why is there a moving van in your driveway? Katherine: Oh, I meant to call you. I, uh...it's just been so nuts. I got a new job...in Chicago. Mary Alice: You're just leaving, like that? Katherine: I know! It's crazy, huh? I really wish I had time to talk, but I gotta finish packing. Susan: Oh, whoa. No, hang on. Let me just run and get Julie so she can say good-bye to Dylan. Katherine: Oh, we're really in a rush. I don't think we're gonna have time.... (A crashing noise comes from upstairs.) Katherine: That's OK, guys. Keep packing! I'll clean it up! Susan: Katherine? Are you okay? You seem a little jumpy. Katherine: I just had a-a long night, and I-I have a lot to do. I'm really gonna miss you. (She closes the door on them.) [Present] (Katherine opens the door.) Susan: Katherine, hi. Oh, uh, I brought you that salad bowl. Katherine: Oh, thank you. You're so thoughtful. Susan: No problem. Hey, you know, I was meaning to ask you, how did that job in Chicago work out? Katherine: Job? Susan: You know, the one that you left so suddenly for. Katherine: Oh, right. Yes, of course. Uh, good. Uh, it worked out well...very challenging. I've got something in the stove. I've gotta go. (Katherine closes the door on a bewildered Susan.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - Kitchen] (Mike and Susan are having breakfast. Susan has a full plate of pancakes and fruits which she is pouring syrup on.) Mike: Susan. Susan: What? I'm eating for two. Mike: Well, do both of you wanna be fat? Susan: Okay, when I'm in labor and I am pushing and screaming to bring your child into the world, do you really want me to remember that you denied me syrup? Mike: Carry on. (Julie enters.)
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Julie: Mom, I need to talk to you about tonight. (looking at Susans full plate) Oh, my god. (Mike shakes his head) Susan: Is it about Matt's party? Julie: Yeah. It turns out it doesn't start until 10:00, so can I stay out till 1:00? Susan: Well, uh, well, the Johnsons live right down the road. Yeah, I guess that's fine. Julie: Thanks. Mike: Whoa, whoa. Is this the Johnsons over on Crestview? Julie: Yeah. Mike: Yeah, I-I don't think you should go to that. Julie: Why not? Mike: Well, I've done a couple jobs at that house, and they have some really wild parties. I don't even wanna tell you what I've snaked out of that toilet. Julie: Thosere his brother's parties. Matt's not like that. Mike: All 17-year-old guys are like that. The only reason my buddies and I even had parties was to get girls wasted. Julie: Well, I don't drink. Mike: Neither did Missy Taylor, and fast-forward to her tying her bra on my car antenna. Julie: I really appreciate your concern, but my mom already told me I could go. Mike: Well, that's true. Just giving my opinion. It's up to your mom. (Mike and Julie stare at Susan.) Susan: Uh, we...I mean, you both make a-a good case. Um...but I think I'm gonna have to agree with, uh...and you know I love you both Julie: Decide. Susan: Mike. I'm going with Mike. Julie: What? Susan: Well, it sounds like this party could be on the wild side, and it is starting very late. Julie: This is so unfair. Susan: I'm sorry, honey. You wanted a decision. This is my decision. Julie: Ahh. (Julie disgusted, walks away. Susan pours more syrup.) Mike: More syrup? Susan: Missy Taylor? Mike: Carry on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Mrs McCluskeys front yard] (Karen is getting her mail just as Dylan walks by.) Mrs McCluskey: Look at your little Dylan, all grown up. Karen McCluskey.I babysat you way back whenyou were a biter. Dylan: Well, I hope I didn't hurt you. Mrs McCluskey: Nah, you were a cutie...but loud. I remember the racket you used to make on your tricycle. I gave your dad hell for putting that horn on it. Dylan: My dad? Mrs McCluskey: Mm-hmm. Dylan: How could you know my dad? He left when I was a baby. Mrs McCluskey: Nah, he used to come around once in a while. Anyway, nice to have you back. (Karen walks away.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - Kitchen] (Susan, Bree, Gabrielle and Katherine are working as Lynette sits at the kitchen table.) Lynette: Please let me help. I feel so guilty just sitting here. Bree: Do not move. We want to pamper you, so please let us. Lynette: Thank you. Susan: Hey, so how's the chemotherapy going? Gabrielle: Oh, no, no. She doesn't want to talk about that. Lynette: I don't mind. Gabrielle: Oh, come on. Let's dig into the pie. Looks amazing. (Gabrielle takes a mouthful.) Gabrielle: Wow. Susan: Oh, my god. Bree, that is, like, the best pie you've ever made. Bree: Well, thank you. I don't think I did anything differently. (Bree takes a bite.) Bree: This is not my pie. Katherine: (laughs) Okay, you caught me. It's mine. Bree: What happened to the pie that I brought? Katherine: Oh, I was a little sneaky, and I put it in the fridge. I just wanted you to try mine. Bree: Well, did we or did we not agree that I would bring the dessert? Katherine: I know, but everyone says you're such an amazing baker, and I was hoping you would give me some tips to improve my recipe. Bree: Well, clearly no tips are needed. As my friends said, "best pie ever made." Katherine: Well, then perhaps you shouldn't have said anything. I would have been happy for everyone to think it was yours. Susan: So back to chemo...how's that been? Lynette: Yeah, so far...not that bad. Though I did have to kick Tom out yesterday. Susan: Why? Lynette: He was getting so emotional. It felt like the last 20 minutes of "Brian's song". So...I guess I'm in the market for a new chemo buddy. Bree: Well, I would be more than happy to go with you. Susan: Count me in. Katherine: I'll sit with you. I volunteer at the hospital, so I'll be there anyway. Lynette: Oh! My god, you guys. I'm so touched you're all willing to do this. Susan: What are friends for? (Lynette stares at Gabrielle who is practically buried in her coffee cup.) Lynette: Gaby? Gabrielle: Oh, no cream for me, thanks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - Kitchen] (There are numerous pies on the counter with one pie missing.) Orson: She upstaged your lemon meringue pie? You've gotta be kidding. Bree: (busy mixing a bowl on the stove) I'm not. That despicable woman was just supposed to bring a simple green salad. She not only brought a pie...she hid mine and served hers. Orson: Well, that's beyond despicable. That's culinary terrorism.
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Bree: Oh, it gets worse. Her pie was better than mine. Orson: Impossible. Bree: It's true. Everyone thought so. Even me. Oh, and that simple green salad...mache and baby arugula with duck confit and candied walnuts! Orson: My god, she plays to win. Bree: I have been here for hours trying to replicate her recipe, and nothing has even come close! Orson: Don't be so hard on yourself. (eating pie) This one's fantastic. Bree: That's hers! Orson: Sorry. Bree: Orson, what am I gonna do? Orson: You might have to bite the bullet and ask her for her recipe. Bree: What? Surrender? Debase myself? Orson: Bree, it's your signature pie. You make it for parties, church suppers, bake sales. If she's always right there behind you with her superior version, staking out her claim as Fairview's Number One homemaker... Bree: She will have stolen my entire identity. Orson: Well, I wouldn't go that far. Bree: No, it's true. The only thing about me that's special is what I can do in the kitchen. You're right. I have got to get that recipe...by any means necessary. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles front yard] (Gabrielle is throwing out her trash as Lynette walks up.) Lynette: Hey, Gaby. Gabrielle: Hey, what's up? Lynette: Well...I felt a little weird about something that happened at lunch, and I thought we should talk about it. Gabrielle: I know. Do you believe that pie business? I thought Bree's head was gonna explode. Lynette: Oh, not that. Okay, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. When everyone was offering to come with me to chemo....even Katherine, who I don't even know, you sort of clammed up. What was that about? Gabrielle: Well, it just seemed like people had it pretty well covered. Lynette: Yeah, but between us, you're the one I really want there. Out of everyone, you're the most fun, and I need that now. Gabrielle: Oh, that's sweet. But to be honest, I don't like hospitals. Lynette: Nobody likes hospitals. Unfortunately, that's the place you have to go when you're sick, or your friends are. You are my friend, right? Gabrielle: What, is this a test of our friendship? Lynette: Yeah...kinda. Can I pencil you in? Gabrielle: I can't wait. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] (Julie is studying as Susan sneaks in.) Susan: Psst! (whispering)Come here. (Julie doesnt follow.) Susan:Okay, I'll come there. Are you still mad at me about the party? Julie: Oh, you picked up on that, did you? Susan: Okay, look, I've been thinking about things, and...just forget what I said earlier.
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Julie: You mean I can go? Susan: Shh! Jeez! Ooh, Mike's in the other room. Julie: You're not gonna tell him? Susan: No, and neither are you. Julie: Why are you walking on eggshells? You are my mother. You have every right to override him. Susan: I know. I just... think it's sweet that he worries about you, and I want him to feel like he's part of the decision making process. Julie: Well, clearly he's not if you're going behind his back. Susan: Do you wanna go or not? Julie: Yes! Yes, I really wanna go to the party. (Mike walks in.) Mike: Party? You guys still talking about that? Susan: Can you believe it? Ugh! Let it go. You know, Mike and I decided...no party, and that's final. (Mike and Susan walk out the door. Susan turns and gives a thumbs up to Julie and mouths have fun.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines front porch] (Bree knocks on the door.) Katherine: Bree. Bree: I hope this isn't a bad time. I just wanted to bring you a housewarming gift. It's the recipe for my special mincemeat pie. It wouldn't be thanksgiving at my house without it. Katherine: Well...aren't you thoughtful? [Kitchen] (Katherine opens her recipe box.) Katherine: Let me just file this in my recipe box. Bree: Well, as long as we're swapping pie recipes, I would love the one for your fabulous lemon meringue. Katherine: Really? I'm so flattered you'd ask. But I don't share that. (Katherine slams the recipe lid down and put the box in her cupboard.) Bree: Excuse me? Katherine: You have to understand...I experimented for years before I came up with my secret ingredient. Bree: Which is what? Vanilla? Nutmeg? Cardamom? Katherine: If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore. It would just bean ingredient. Bree: Well, that, um, hardly seems neighborly. After all, I just gave you the recipe for my mincemeat pie. Katherine: Yes, and it's a very good one. I have the book it came from. Bree: That recipe is not from a book. That recipe was handed down to me from my mother. Katherine: Well, unless your mother was Betty Crocker,she got it from a book. Oh, dear. Now I've upset you. Bree: No. No, I am not upset. I'm just confused as to why you seem so determined to get off on the wrong foot. First you bring a pie to Lynette's, when I clearly assigned you the salad... Katherine: Now, see, that's where I'm confused. Just what, please, gives you the right to decide who brings what to a luncheon that I suggested? Bree: Well, it's tradition. I always organize our little get-togethers, and I always bring dessert. Katherine: Well, then how lovely that I'm back and can shoulder that burden for you. Bree: Just...give me the recipe! Katherine: Sorry. I can't. I do hope this doesn't keep us from being friends, because I like you, Bree. (Katherine opens her front door. Bree walks out the door.) Katherine: And I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you can come up with an even better lemon meringue pie than mine. The trick is finding that perfect blend of sweet and sour.
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Bree: Well, you've certainly mastered that, dear. (Katherine closes the door on Bree.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - bedroom] (Mike is lying in bed eating strawberries.) Mike: So when do I get to see my big surprise? (Susan comes out in very sexy underwear.) Susan: Wait for it. Wait for it. Ta-da. Mike: Whoa. All that syrup went straight to your boobs. Susan: So it's not my imagination. They're bigger, right? Mike: Uh, yeah. Especially the right one. Susan: Mike! Mike: Just kidding. Pick those up and bring 'em over here. Susan: Well, I'd better warn you. I may have to work the shoulders. Ba-boom, ba-boom, mmm. (Susan walks over sexily.They begin kissing.) Mike: Hey. That thing with Julie and the party this morning... Susan: Mm-hmm? Mike: Thanks for backing me up. It meant a lot, and I know it wasn't easy for you. Susan: Uh, yeah, well, you know, sometimes you gotta hang tough. Mike: Mm, well, you did the right thing. I drove by that house tonight. Susan: Mm-hmm? Mike: That party was out of control. Susan: What? Mike: Yeah, there were kids staggering around drunk...puking in the gutter, and then I saw some girls running around topless. I'm sure the cops will be there any minute. Susan: We need whipped cream. Mike: What? Susan: Well, I don't think that you can have sexy date night without whipped cream. Mike: Can't and won't. Well, I...I can go get some. Susan: No, no, you've, uh, worked all day. You stay here. I'll go to the store. (Susan grabs some clothes from the closet.) Mike: Could you get more syrup? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] (Carlos puts a birthday cake with one lit candle on it on the table.) Carlos: Make a wish. (Edie blows out the candle and Carlos claps.) Carlos: So I'm dying to see what I got you. How thoughtful was I? Edie: Very. (She hands Carlos and envelope. Carlos opens a card that says Yes.) Edie: Open it. Carlos: "Yes"! Edie: Not yet. I haven't asked the question. (Edie gets down on one knee.) Edie: Will you marry me, Carlos Solis? And you say... Carlos: You're proposing?
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Edie: You said you didn't want to spend too much. So what's more affordable than a promise? Carlos: Look, Edie... Edie: I'm doing this for you. If the I.R.S. gets wind of your...rainy day fund, they could make me testify against you. But if I were your wife... Carlos: How are they going to find out? Edie: Oh, honey, people talk...angry people, disappointed people. Come on. Say your line. It's my birthday. Carlos: Fine. We're engaged. Edie: Oh! Carlos! I think I'm gonna cry. Carlos: Yeah, me, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Johnsons house - Party] Dylan: I mean, how weird is that? My mom always told me that my dad took off right after I was born. Julie: So did she explain what McCluskey said? Dylan: I didnt tell her. She kinda freaks out anytime I bring him up. Julie: Dylan, you have a right to know about your dad. You've got to confront her. Dylan: Yeah, right. I could never do that. She isn't cool like your mom. (Matt opens the door to find Susan scantily dressed.) Matt: Hi. It's my birthday. Susan: Oh, that must mean you're Matt. I'm Susan Mayer, and I'm... (Matt grabs Susans hand and pulls her in. He drags her to the back room where a bunch of young boys are.) Susan: all righty. Matt: Boomer, you magnificent bastard! You actually did it! Boomer: It wasn't me, but happy birthday, man. Matt: Well, it was somebody. Who cares? Gather 'round, men. (The guys set up the chairs facing Susan.) Matt: So you like this music? Susan: Yeah, it's fine. Would somebody just tell me where I can find Boomer: Hey, enough talking. Just take it off. We're feeling generous tonight. (Boomer tires to puts a dollar in Susans bra.) Susan: Oh, my god! I'm not a stripper. Matt: You're not? Boomer: Is this gonna happen or what? Matt: Boomer, she's not a stripper. Boomer: Well, what's with the implants? Susan: I'm pregnant. Teenager: That's hot. (Matt is leading Susan out of the room.) Matt: Sorry. Should've known you were Julie's mom. You're way too gorgeous to be a stripper. Susan: If that's your lame attempt to keep me from calling your parents...it worked. Well played. Excuse me. (Susan sees Julie across the room. She starts going across the room and trips.) Julie: Mom, what are you doing here? Susan: I am taking you home. This party is out of control. Julie: No, it's not. Susan: Well, of course you don't think it is, because youre knocking back a big cup of(Susan drinks from Julies cup) orange soda.
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Julie: I don't believe this. Susan: Well, believe it. We're going. You, too, Dylan. Come on. Julie: And what are you wearing? It's embarrassing. Susan: Yeah, well, Boomer likes it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans driveway - nightime] (Susan, Julie and Dylan arrive home.) Julie: Call me tomorrow. We'll go to a movie my mom can drag us out of. Susan: Look, I get that you're upset. Julie: No, I'm confused. First, I can go to the party, then I can't because Mike says no. Then I can, but "don't tell Mike and behave yourself." So I behave myself, and you punish me. Susan: Okay, I admit that there's a certain lack of consistency there. Julie: It's likeever since you got married, I can't win. Susan: Do you think this is easy for me? Trying to keep peace between a new husband and a teenage daughter? You're always putting me in the middle. Julie: Ugh. I don't do that. Susan: Please. Every time you and Mike disagree on something, you give me the look...that pitiful face that says if I don't back you up, I love the other one more. Julie: I don't expect you to side with me every time. Just make a decision and stick to it. And no more lying. Susan: Well, you're right. I'm an adult, and I need to be honest about these things, and I will be...starting tomorrow. (They walk in the front door. Mike is sitting on the steps reading a paper.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Hey. Look who I picked up coming out of the movies-- a P.G. Movie. Is this the perfect teenager or what? Mike: Oh, the movies, huh? That's funny. 'Cause one of Julie's friends just called to make sure she got home from the party. She was worried when she saw you leaving with a stripper. Julie: The jig is up, mom. Susan: (whispering) No, no, we can salvage this. Just work with me. Julie: I did go to the party. Mom went behind your back and told me I could. But I-I didn't drink or do anything I shouldn't have. Mike: Glad to hear it, and, uh, thanks for your honesty. (They both stare at Susan.) Susan: You know, this perfect teenager thing is really starting to chap my ass. Julie: I'm going to bed. Susan: Please tell me this isn't gonna be one of those things where you leave me and I go screaming down the street. Mike: Why'd you go behind my back? Susan: I'm sorry. You gotta understand, for so long, it's just been Julie and me, and I've made all the decisions alone. You felt so strongly. Mike: It was just an opinion, really. She's your daughter. I completely respect your right to raise her however you want. Susan: Thanks. Mike: Now that being said, this baby is ours. So we'll get to make all those parenting decisions together, right?
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Susan: Right. So can we go back to date night? Mike: Only if you work the shoulders. Susan: Oh. Mike: Mmm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital -Chemotherapy Room] (Lynette is receiving her chemo.Gaby walks in.) Lynette: Gaby, where have you been? You went to the bathroom, like, half an hour ago. Gabrielle: Oh, sorry. I stopped off to get you some magazines. Lynette: "Top ten new hairstyles". Yeah, well, I'm kinda bald right now, but thanks. Gabrielle: Why don't I go check if there are some other ones? Lynette: No, no, I don't need magazines. I need company. Sit down. You've been bouncing around since you got here. So...how do you like being the first lady of Fairview? Gabrielle: It's good. Are you cold? They keep it cold in here. Lynette: I'm fine. So tell me something. When you go to a ribbon cutting, do you get to keep those gigantic novelty scissors? Gabrielle: You must be freezing. You know, I have the cutest shawl in the car, so I'm just gonna run out and get it for you. Lynette: Boy, you really don't wanna be here, do ya? What are you talking about? I'm trying to help. Lynette: Yeah, in any way that gets you out of this room. Gabrielle: I'm sorry. It's just hospitals are hard for me. Lynette: Yeah, you told me, but, jeez, Gaby,don't you care enough to make an effort? Gabrielle: You think I don't care? Lynette: I get it. You're uncomfortable. Just go. I'm fine. I'm fine. (Gabrielle starts to leave then stops.) Gabrielle: Did I ever tell you about my father? He had cancer, too. Started in the liver, went into his bones, and ten months later, he was dead. Lynette: Thanks for that encouraging story. Gabrielle: I'm not finished. Those last weeks, every day we thought we were gonna lose him. And every day, before I would go into his room, my mom would say, "no tears". Daddy wants to see you smiling. If you're gonna cry, you can't go in". So...on the last night...I sat there and I watched him die. His eyes were closed, but I thought he could still see me. So I kept smiling...all night. I was 5. Lynette: Oh, my god. Gabrielle: But on the plus side, I made a pretty good career out of knowing how to smile when I didn't really feel like it. But I can't pretend with you. Not when I'm scared I'm gonna lose you. Lynette: You're not gonna lose me. Gabrielle: (crying) You promise? 'Cause if I did...then...god! I'm such a mess. Lynette: It's okay. Come here. Let it go. (Lynette comforts Gabrielle.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] (Dylan finds her baby book. She takes it up to her room. She looks through and see pictures of her and Julie when they were young. She finds a picture of when she was a baby. Her mother is holding her and on her other side is a figure that has been cut out.) Katherine: Honey?
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(Dylan hides the book. Katherine comes in.) Katherine: I'm going to get Adam. Be right back. Mom? Can I talk to you about something? Katherine: Sure. If you don't mind talking in the car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - Kitchen] (Bree is working in her kitchen.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree Hodge persisted in her effort to unlock the secret of Katherine Mayfair's lemon meringue. But after several failed attempts, it occurred to Bree that while she might not have the key to Katherine's recipe... (Bree opens her cupboard. Many labeled keys are hanging.) Mary Alice Voiceover:she did have the key...to Katherine's house. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees front yard] (Bree is watering and waves to Katherine and Dylan as they drive away. Bree turns off the hose and runs to Katherines house with the key.) [Katherines house - Kitchen] (Bree sneaks inside. She opens the cabinet with the recipe box and sees it is locked.) [Susans front door] (Bree knocks on the door.) Mike: Oh, hey, what's up? Bree: I was doing a little baking, and I was wondering if I could borrow something. Mike: Sure. What do you need...flour, sugar? (Bree is walking away with steel cutters. She enters Katherines house and pulls the recipe box out of the cupboard.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines driveway] (Katherine, Dylan and Adam come home) Katherine: You can't believe what Karen McCluskey tells you. She's an old woman...practically senile. Dylan: She didn't sound senile to me. Adam: Dylan, maybe this is not the time, okay? Dylan: You said my father didn't care about me, but she says he came here. He wanted to see me. Why would you not tell me that? (They enter the house. Bree is just about to cut the lock.) Dylan: He's my father. I deserve to know. Katherine: The only thing you need to know about that man is he was a monster. Dylan: I can decide that for myself. Where is he? Katherine: I don't know. Dylan: You're lying. Adam: No, she's not. Dylan: Yes, she is. She has been lying to me my whole life. I'm starting to think maybe you're the monster. (Katherine slaps Dylan. Bree is listening to everything. Dylan runs upstairs.) Katherine: She can't talk to me that way, not after everything I've done for her. Adam: Well, maybe that's the problem. She doesn't know what you've done for her. Katherine: Nobody does, and it's gonna stay that way. Adam: Are you sure? She's just gonna keep asking questions.
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Katherine: Then we'd better start coming up with better lies. (Bree sneaks out of Katherines house and goes home.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Oh, there you are. I was wondering where you'd gone to. Bree: I just let myself into Katherine's house to get that recipe. Orson: Well, that seems a bit extreme. Well, at least you know her secret now. Bree: Yes, and it has nothing to do with pie. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bar] Carlos: Here's the thing. I got a real chance at getting back together with my ex, but this woman is standing in my way. And she knows about the money, and she's made it clear that if I leave, she's gonna blow the whistle. You gotta understand...I really did care for Edie, but I can't let her ruin my life. (Carlos pushes an envelope full of money across the table.) Carlos: That's where you come in. (A hand pulls the envelope. A man sees a lot of money in the envelope and looks at Carlos.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Hospital - Chemotherapy Room] (Lynette, Susan, Bree, Gabrielle and Katherine are sitting around. The room is filled with balloons.) Katherine: You guys, we better behave, or the nurses are gonna kick us out. Bree: Hey, it's our chemo party, and we'll laugh if we want to. Lynette: Gaby, this was a wonderful idea. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. Gabrielle: Well, don't get sappy on me. I won't stand for it. All right. Susan, is the camera ready? Susan: Yeah. Got it. (They all get ready to have their picture taken.) Susan: Okay, once the light starts blinking, we've got three seconds,. so, everybody, say, "cheese" and hold it. One, two, three. All: Cheese! Mary Alice Voiceover: There is nothing more deceptive than a smile, and no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them. (Camera on Katherine.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies. (Camera on Gabrielle.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling. (Camera on Lynette. Lynette makes a funny face.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Others wear silly grins to mask their fear. (The camera clicks.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Bar] (Carlos smiles.) Mary Alice Voiceover: But then there is that rare smile that is actually genuine. (Man across the table from Carlos looks at the money in the envelope.) Al Kaminsky: I'll take care of it. (Carlos smiles.) Mary Alice Voiceover: It's the smile of a person who knows his troubles will soon be over. ~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives 4X03: The Game -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree discovered a family secret. Lynette: Oh, I'm gonna be sick. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette struggled with chemo therapy... Mary Alice Voiceover:while Susan took joy in being pregnant... Susan: I'm eating for two. Mary Alice Voiceover: The biggest obstacle to Carlos and Gaby... Edie: The I.R.S. could make me testify against you. Mary Alice Voiceover:was the promise Edie forced Carlos to make. Carlos: We're engaged. Carlos: I really did care for Edie, but I can't let her ruin my life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - day] (The street is filled with children riding their bikes and jumping rope on the sidewalk, and tossing a Frisbee.) Boy: Trevor! Over here! Mary Alice Voiceover: All children love to play games. But before they can race their bikes or jump their ropes or toss their frisbees, children understand they must first convince their friends to play along with them. The same is true for adults. [Susan's house - kitchen] (Susan is on the phone.) Susan: Hi, Gaby. It's me. I'm throwing a party Saturday night. Guess what kind? [Gabrielle 's house - kitchen] (Gabrielle is on the phone.) Gabrielle: A charades party? Didn't you just throw one? Susan: No, that was a year ago. Gabrielle: Oh. Right. Guess it's time for another one. Susan: Sure is. Can you come? Gabrielle: Um...sorry. Victor needs me at this...political thing. Damn. Damn. Damn. Susan: Aw! You have to come. You're the best charades player I know. [Lynette 's house - living room] (Lynette is lying on her couch on the phone.) Lynette: That's sweet, and totally accurate. But I'm really whipped from the chemo, so...Oh, there's my other line. Can you ask me next time, okay, hon? Okay, bye. (Lynette hangs up and clicks to her other line.) Lynette: Hello? Oh, hey, Bree. Mm, what's up? [Bree 's house - living room] (Bree is on the phone.) Bree: Well, I stopped by Katherine's last night just to get a recipe, and you'll never believe what I overheard. [Gabrielle 's house - exercise room]
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(Gabrielle is on the treadmill.) Gabrielle: She slapped her kid?! No! Bree: Yes, and get this...when Adam said Dylan was just going to keep asking questions, Katherine said... and I quote..."Well, we're just gonna have to find better lies." Oh, hang on. I've got another call. Gabrielle: Don't answer it! It's Susan. She's hosting another game night. Bree: Another one? It's time for an anonymous letter. (Lynette is at home, taking pills and talking on the phone.) Lynette: Wait...is Katherine going to Susan's charade night? Gabrielle: Probably. Why? Lynette: We should go, too. Get a few drinks in her, see if she loosens up. Bree: Well, I doubt a woman like Katherine is gonna spill her secrets just - because she's had a little win Lynette: I don't know. You came out with some interesting things before you swore off the sauce. Bree: Well, none that I recall. Lynette: Didn't you tell me you lost your virginity in the backseat of a... Bree: Point well taken. I'll bring the wine. (Gabrielle is talking on the phone.) Gabrielle: Susan, good news. We can come to the party after all. Hey, you know who else you should invite? (Lynette is talking on the phone.) Lynette: Yeah, I am feeling much better, so count me in. Will our new neighbor be coming? (Bree is talking on the phone.) Bree: Of course! I love your charades parties. And I hope you're inviting that delightful Katherine Mayfair. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines House front yard] (Katherine is watering her flowers as Susan walks up.) Susan: So you were paid a very nice compliment today. Katherine: I was? Susan: Yes. I am hosting a charades party, and all of my friends went out their way to insist I invite you. Katherine: Really? Mm-hmm. [Bree 's house] (Bree is looking out her window at Katherine and Susan.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, not all adults like to play games. (Katherine looks over and sees Bree looking out the window. Bree quickly back away.) Mary Alice Voiceover: But the ones who do... play to win. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynette 's house - kitchen] (Stella is looking through a cookbook.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Stella Wingfield hated to cook. Still, she spent that Friday morning grating cheese...and greasing a pan...and laying in macaroni because her eldest daughter was sick (Stella brings a plate of macaroni outside to Lynette.) Mary Alice Voiceover: and Stella could no longer sit by and do nothing. Stella: Lunchtime! Lynette: Oh. No, thanks. Stella: Oh, come on. I made it for you special. You've gotta keep your strength up. Lynette: I appreciate the effort, but I told you, I can't keep anything down, and F.Y.I. Mac and cheese is
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halfway to vomit. You might as well have given me a plate of creamed corn. Stella: Aren't you taking the anti-nausea drug? Lynette: Yeah, I am taking it. It's just...not working. Stella: Well, um...I know something that might help your nausea and boost your appetite. Um...perhaps a little visit from my old friend...Mary Jane? Lynette: You're suggesting pot? Stella: A lot of chemo patients use it. Hell, I did. Lynette: Yeah. Stella: Oh, come on. Let mama score you some kick-ass chronic. Lynette: "Kick-ass chronic"? Uh-huh. You're a grandmother. Shouldn't you be off somewhere knitting an Afghan? Stella: Just trying to ease your pain. Lynette: Well, thanks, but prefer not to get my medication from some guy under a bridge. Stella: Suit yourself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - Garage] (Susan is taking out the trash. She sees Mike in the garage making a baby crib.) Susan: Hey. What's this? Mike: A crib. Oh, and look... (raising the side of the crib) safety latch. I figured if the baby takes after you, "accident-proof" is key. Susan: Honey, you know, I'm still in my first trimester. Um, don't you think it's a little early to be making cribs? Mike: Early would be painting it pink or blue. But...I got both, so we're covered either way. Susan: Great. Mike: And whether it's a boy or a girl, (Mike attaches a football sticker on the crib) colts fan. That's non-negotiable. Susan: Mm. Um, Bree's home. I'll be right back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - driveway] (Bree and Orson get out of the car. ) Orson: Look sharp. It's Susan. Bree: God,it's getting harder and harder to keep her at arm's length. I never knew she was such a hugger. Orson: You want me to run interference? Bree: I'm getting good at props. No,no. Orson: Yeah? Good. (Bree takes a bag of groceries as Susan approaches.) Bree: Hey, Susan! What's up? Susan: I need a favor. Um, I remember you mentioning that you liked your obstetrician. Can I get his number? Bree: I thought you were using Dr. Mayfair. Susan: Yeah, I don't know. It's getting a little weird. You know, Adam is my neighbor. Bree: But you don't mind Orson being your dentist. Susan: Well, that's because I don't blush when Orson says, "open wide". Bree: You know, my O.B. is all the way across town. You just do not want to drive that far. Susan: Oh, well, we could schedule our appointments together and carpool. You know...pregnant gals on the road. Bree: It does sound fun, but I don't think my doctor's taking on any new patients. Susan: Oh, I can talk him into it. What's his name?
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Bree: I, um...don't remember. Susan: You don't remember? Bree: No. You know, I usually just call him "doctor". Susan: Bree, just get me the number. [Brees house - kitchen] (Bree is thumbing through the yellow pages. She finds Obstetricians and grabs a paper and pen. She closes her eyes and pokes. She writes down the number she poked. She takes it outside to Susan.) Bree: Ooh. Here you go, but please don't mention my name. As I said, you know, he's overbooked, and I just don't want to get on his bad side. Susan: I'm so excited. Pregnant gals sharing a doctor! (She reaches out to hug Bree. Bree sneezes.) Bree: Ah-choo! Susan: Oh, bless you. Bree: Oh! Sorry, probably just allergies, but, you know, you don't want to take any chances. Susan: Right. (Susan covers her nose and mouth and runs away.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house - driveway] (Adam is outside washing the car. A young woman jogs up.) Young woman: (jogging)Hey. Can I get a drink? Adam: Yeah, sure. (Young woman drinks from the hose.) Young woman: By the way, you missed a spot. Adam: Oh, thanks. Young woman: Anytime. (The young woman jogs away and suddenly the hose turns off. Adam turns to see why.) Katherine: I'd say the car is clean enough. Adam: Katherine. Katherine: You two seemed awfully friendly. Do you know her? Adam: We said two words. No. She criticized my car washing. Katherine: Hmm. It's funny. When I criticize you, you don't put on a big, goofy grin. Adam: You really need to stop this. Katherine: Given our history, shouldn't I be saying that to you? Adam: Katherine, I can't just not speak to women. I'm a gynecologist, for god's sake. Katherine: Yes, I know. But you don't have to bring your work home with you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] (Gabrielle is on the porch and watches Katherine drive away. She goes back in.) Gabrielle: You leaving already? Carlos: (getting dressed) Ah, Edie asked me to help her pick out a gift for her sister, so I gotta swing by the mall. When can I see you next? Gabrielle: Well, Victor has a teachers' union thing on Thursday. Guess I'll see you on Thursday. Carlos, what's happening here? I mean, with us. Why are we still sneaking around? Carlos: You know exactly why. Gabrielle: Oh, come on. Edie's recovered from her little suicide attempt. Don't you think it's time to move on?
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Carlos: I've got some things going on, and I need them to pay off before I can make a move. Really, I don't have a choice. Gabrielle: Okay, but if you did have a choice, would it be a hard one? I mean, it's not like you're in love with Edie, is it? Carlos: No, I don't love Edie. And I've got a plan to get her out of my life forever. Just give me two weeks, okay? Gabrielle: A bracelet's always nice. For Edie's sister. Carlos: Good idea. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - day] (Carlos sneaks out of the side gate of Gabrielles house. Stella is at the side of Lynettes house talking to someone.) Stella: Here's the thing...my daughter has cancer. She's so nauseous, she's stopped eating, and I can't just stand by and watch her waste away. So I asked around, and people thought you might be able to get me what I need. You follow my drift? Andrew: Um...yeah. You...you want me to score you some weed. Stella: The best stuff you can get. Nothing's too good for my little girl. (Stella hands Andrew money.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] (Orson walks into the bedroom.) Orson: Darling? Bree: What is it? Orson: Well, I don't want you to worry. I-I just got off the phone with the convent. It seems Danielle took a little spill. Bree: (on phone) You're 8 1/2 months pregnant! What in heaven's name were you doing roller-blading? [Convent - Danielle's room] Danielle: (on phone) I'm bored. All I do is lay around. Bree: In your condition, that's what you should be doing. And where on earth did you get skates in a convent? Danielle: I borrowed them from one of the eating disorder girls. They have all the good exercise equipment. Bree: Danielle, what if your reckless behavior had hurt the baby? Danielle: They're going to examine me. I'm sure the baby's fine. Bree: Yes, and it is going to stay that way because I have instructed Sister Theresa to keep you sequestered in your room until the baby is born. Danielle: What am I supposed to do for fun? You won't even get me a DVD player. Bree: Well, I was hoping that you could use these last few weeks for reflection and personal growth. Danielle: I hate you. Bree: Clearly, it would be time well spent. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - kitchen] (Lynette is reading a magazine, drinking water with plate of uneaten Lasagna next to her.) Tom: How was the lasagna? Stella: Why don't you ask it yourself? Tom: Honey. Lynette: Sorry. Tom: At least eat a little. We need you in fighting form for charades tonight.
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Lynette: Yeah, about that... I don't think I'm gonna make it. Tom: You have to! You are the charades assassin. They still talk about the night that you guessed "the Americanization of Emily" in 15 seconds. Lynette: 12. And that's my point. I'm undefeated. Why spoil my winning streak by playing when I'm not up to it? Tom: Honey, people...know that you're sick. They don't expect you to be at your absolute best. (Doorbell rings.) Lynette: Tom, hair loss and constant nausea... those are inconveniences. Losing at charades to Susan Meyer...that is just flat-out intolerable. (Tom answers the door.) Tom: Hey, Andrew. Andrew: Hey. Tom: What's up? Andrew: Hey, Mr. Scavo, um, a package for Lynette's mom got delivered to our house by mistake, so Stella: (running up) I've got it, Tom. It's a pattern. I'm...knitting Lynette an Afghan. [Sleazy clinic] (Susan is looking through a very dirty fish tank with one dead fish floating on the top. Susan, careful not to touch anything, walks to one of the chairs. On the table is a bowl with a sign free condoms, take one. Susan pulls a Kleenex out of her purse, puts it on the chair then sits down. A woman who looks like a streetwalker, watches her.) Susan: A friend of mine recommended this place. It's not exactly what I expected. Must be one heck of a doctor, though, huh? Skanky woman: I don't know. I just come here to buy clean urine. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - kitchen] (All the kids are reaching for brownies on a plate on the table. Stella stops them.) Stella: Shoo! Those are only for grown-ups. Kayla: Why? Stella: Because that have special medicine in them. Preston: Like the grown-up iced tea you always drink? Stella: Similar. How about some ice cream instead? And you can watch TV till your eyes fall out. Kids: Yeah! (They all run off but Stella stops Parker.) Stella: You stay. Grandma needs a favor, and you've got just the face for it. [Lynettes house - bedroom] (A very sick looking Lynette is lying in bed. Parker comes in with a plate of brownies.) Lynette: Wow, sweetie. Those really look delicious, but I just don't feel like eating right now. Parker: Just one, mom? I made them special...Just for you. Lynette: This really is delicious. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] (Katherine is getting ready to go out.) Katherine: Emergency, you can reach me on my cell phone. Adam: Or they can just walk across the street. Have fun, girls. Don't do anything I would do. (Adam and Katherine leave. Julie and Dillon are studying.) Julie: Adam seems really laid-back.
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Dylan: Yeah, he's pretty cool. Of course, everyone seems cool compared to Robot-mom. Julie: Hey, you never told me. What happened when you asked her about your real dad? Dylan: She freaked out, just like I thought. She wouldn't tell me anything. Julie: Well...There are other ways to find things out. Does your mom keep any old papers? You know, letters, diaries? Dylan: Not that she shows me. There's stuff in the storage room upstairs, but it's locked, so forget about it. Julie: What kind of lock is it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house Charade Night] (A frantic Mike opens the door.) Mike: Oh,come on in. I was hoping you were Susan. (Bree and Orson come in with wine.) Bree: She's not here? Mike: No, and she's not answering her cell phone. Orson: Where is she? Mike: Well, she had an appointment with this new obstetrician over on river street, but she should be here by now. Orson: (to Bree)Why would she see a doctor over there? That's a terrible neighborhood. Bree: It is? Orson: Yes. Don't you remember? That's where they murdered those two prostitutes last year. Bree: (Worried)We should help Mike with the food. (Front door opens. Adam and Katherine enter.) Adam: Knock, knock. Katherine: We're here. Bree: Oh, good! Katherine, I was hoping we'd get a chance to chat. (whispering to Orson as she hands the wine to him) Open this now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edies House] (Edie comes downstairs all dressed up.) Edie: Susan's parties are always such a snoozefest. The only thing people will be miming is get me the hell out of here. Carlos: Aren't you a little overdressed for charades? Edie: Oh, I thought that I'd look nice, just in case we decided to...Oh, I don't know---announce our engagement? Carlos: We're not announcing anything. It's Susan and Mike's party. I do not want to make it all about us. Edie: You're right, darling. I may drop a few hints, though. Carlos: Edie, let me be clear on this. You are not to tell anyone about our engagement, got it? Edie: Fine. I won't say a word. (Carlos walks out the door. Edie pulls a diamond ring out of her purse and puts it on. She puts her ring hand in her coat pocket and follows Carlos out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane - night] (Gabrielle and Victor are walking to Susans house. Victor is looking at his cell phone.) Victor: Oh, this is fantastic. You know Edward Ferber?
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Gabrielle: State senator? Victor: Yes. His wife just got picked up for shoplifting. Katherine: Why is that fantastic? Victor: He was making noises about going against me for governor. I guess the light-fingered Mrs. Ferber just put an end to that. Katherine: Why? It's not like he shoplifted. Victor: It doesn't matter. It's a scandal. You know what they do to poll numbers. Gabrielle: Oh, that's right. I was reading about that in politics is boring magazine. Victor: I'm just glad I don't have to worry about you pulling crap like that. Gabrielle: Yeah, you're lucky. (Carlos and Edie arrive at the same time as Gabrielle and Victor.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] (Tom and Orson are gathered around a buffet table.) Orson: So where's Lynette? She's usually your charades M.V.P. Tom: Ah, she wasn't feeling so well, but, uh, you are still going down, mister. Orson: It's just a game, Tom--- a game you wish you never played. (Gabrielle walks up to Bree and Katherine.) Katherine: So much work... Bree: Oh, hi, Gaby. Katherine and I were just talking about the old days. So when you were living with your aunt, was Dylan's father with you? Katherine: No, just me and Dylan. Gabrielle: Were you widowed or divorced? Katherine: Actually, I prefer not to discuss my first marriage...If you don't mind. Bree: We, we certainly didn't mean to pry. Let me just tinge that up for you. (Bree pours more wine into Katherine cup as Edie walks in removing her coat.) Edie: Hello, all. Ah, it's so nice to see you. Bree: Some wine? Edie: Oh, no. Oh, my contact slipped. Bree: Edie, is that an engagement ring? Edie: Uh, shoot. Pretend you didn't see that. I promised my fianc that I wouldn't say a word until the official announcement. Gabrielle: Excuse me. (Gabrielle puts her drink down and turns. She walks away as Susan walks in.) Susan: Gaby! Sorry I'm late. Oh, my god! You made it. That is such a beautiful dress. We're gonna have so much fun. You...Come with me. (Susan drags Bree out of the room.) [Susans house front porch] (Carlos and Gabrielle are talking.) Gabrielle: She's got a ring! Carlos: What? Gabrielle: Edie---she's wearing a big, honkin' engagement ring the size of a peach pit. Carlos: Hey, I didn't get her a ring! Gabrielle: Oh, so you're not engaged? Carlos: Well, see, here's the thingGabrielle: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
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Carlos: Let me explain! Gabrielle: No, no, no. I am done with your explanations, and I am done with just give me two more weeks, baby. Whatever games you're playing, I'm sick of it. We're through. Carlos: So you're just gonna go and live happily ever after with Victor, huh? Gabrielle: You think Victor's my only option? Well,I got news for you, Carlos. I can have any guy I want, because this...waits for no man. (Gabrielle walks back into the house. Edie is at the buffet table eating when Carlos walks up.) Carlos: You bought yourself an engagement ring? Edie: It's been three days, Carlos. How long was I supposed to wait? Carlos: You agreed not to say anything. Edie: Ah, but I didn't agree not to wear anything. Don't worry. It wasn't expensive. You can pay me back later. Carlos: Count on it. [Susans house kitchen] (Susan is at her sink scrubbing her arms.) Susan: And the whole time, I just kept thinking, this is Bree's doctor. Bree recommended him. He must be the best. So I didn't worry when it was between a needle exchange. And the area's only transvestite bookstore. And I ignored that my shoes stuck to the floor. And there was a cigarette machine in the waiting room. But when I saw the ant traps on his speculum tray, I thought that you and I should have a talk. Bree: Oh, Susan, I am so sorry, and, of course, I will pay for the slashed tire and the stolen cell phone. Susan: That is not the point! Why would you send me to somebody who is obviously not your doctor? Bree: I can't tell you. Susan: Why not? Bree: It's private. Susan: You know what else is private? The parts of me that I'm pretty sure he snapped with his camera phone. I have a party to throw. I will deal with you later. [Susans house back room] (Carlos is on the phone.) Carlos: (on phone) Look, Al, she is totally out of control. I need her taken care of. Al: (on phone) Fine. I'll see what I can do. (Carlos hangs up and walks back into the party. Gabrielle saunters up to Adam.) [Susans house living room] Edie: I promised my fianc that I wouldn't say a word until the official announcement. Gabrielle: Adam, I feel the tag of my dress sticking out, and I can't reach it. Do you mind? Adam: Oh, sure. (Adam tucks in the tag as Carlos watches.) Adam: There you go. Gabrielle: I think I got a chill. Now let me see if I can give you one. Adam: Oh, yeah, it worked. (Gabrielle tickles Adams arm. Carlos smashes his glass on the table and walks by Katherine who is also watching Adam and Gabrielle.Katherine is whispering to Adam.) Katherine: We haven't been here an hour, and you're already humiliating me? Adam: Are we really having this conversation again? Katherine: Oh, I guess you learned nothing from Chicago. Adam: For god sake, I was not flirting. She asked me to fix her dress. Katherine: Yeah. I saw your face. I could tell what a chore it was for you. Adam: You know what? I think I'm a little behind you in the alcohol department. Let me go catch up.
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(Adam walks away as Edie approaches.) Edie: I'm sorry. I, uh, didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you really shouldn't take this out on Adam. Gabrielle has a little bit of a reputation, if you know what I mean. Katherine: No, I don't. But I'd certainly like to. [Susans house living room] Susan: Okay, everybody, let the games begin. Um, okay. I will be team captain one. Who wants to be captain number two? Gabrielle: I'll do it. Susan: Great. Okay, you pick first. Gabrielle: Oh, okay. I will pick Adam. Susan: I pick Lynette. Where's Lynette? Tom: Uh, she really wanted to be here she's just feeling too sick to party. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette is watching TV with the kids, laughing and eating chips.) Parker: That's funny, isn't it? Lynette: Are you kidding? It's genius. He's a sponge, but he talks! Stella: Well, looks like somebody is feeling a little better. Lynette: (laughing)Yeah. I guess that anti-nausea medicine finally kicked in. Stella: (smiling) That must be it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house living room] Gabrielle: Orson. Susan: Carlos. Mike: Husband in the room? Susan: Honey, I love you, but I wanna win. Orson: (to Gabrielle) You should pick Edie. Gabrielle: Why? Orson: The woman just tried to commit suicide. Don't make her last pick. She's still fragile. Gabrielle: Good point. Mike! Yes! Let's get started. Susan: No, no! Wait, wait, wait. Gaby, you know how it works. Okay, first, I have to go over all the signals. Okay, so, um, (gesturing) this is movie, um, TV... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] (Julie is picking the lock of the door upstairs.) Dylan: Where did you learn to do this? Julie: When you live with a mother who constantly locks herself out, you develop certain skills. Dylan: I don't know. Maybe this is a sign we should stop. (Door opens.) Julie: What were you saying about signs? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house living room] (Susan is still describing and gesturing while everyone looks on bored.) Susan: A whole concept, person, um, let's see. Shakespeare, book, and then if you do the signal for book. And you touch your heart, then that's poem. Gabrielle: Okay, when has anyone ever used a poem as a clue?
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Victor: Yeah, come on. Let's play. Everyone: Let's play! Gabrielle: Yeah! Let's play! (A very happy Lynette walks in.) Tom: Hey, honey! You made it. Susan: Dibs on Lynette! She's on my team! Gabrielle: That's not fair. She's like the charades ninja. Lynette: That's me! The ninja! (Lynette roundhouse kicks the lamp.) Lynette: Ya Ha (laughing) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...Okay. Okay! I'm ready. [Susans house living room] (Susan pushes a stopwatch, as Orson acts out his charade.) Susan: Okay, go. Guys: Shoe. Mike: Sock. Gabrielle: Working out. Katherine: Black. Adam: Sole. Bree: Itch. Itch. Katherine: Scratch. Gabrielle: A blister. Sounds like blister. Adam: Sister. Kissed her. Bree: Two mules for Sister Sara! Team: Hoorah!!! Susan: Okay, 22 seconds. Lynette, you're up. Tom: Come on, babe. We're 40 seconds down. We need you to make that time up. Lynette: Who do you think you're talking to? Tom: Right on. (Gabrielle is hanging on Adam with the stopwatch.) Gabrielle: All right. Ready? Get set...go. (Lynette reads her charade.) Lynette: Okay. Tom: Honey, clock's ticking. Lynette: (smiling)I know. Just, this is a really hard one. Tom: Okay, come on, come on. What is---what is it? Is it a book? Is it a movie? Lynette: Movie. It's a western. Bree: No talking. Lynette: Sorry. Tom: Honey, start with the first word. How many syllables? (Lynette gestures one.) Edie: One word. Tom: Sweetie, act it out. You're really good at that. Edie: Okay, okay. Whole idea. (Lynette points at Edie.) Edie: Me.
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Susan: Edie. Woman. Blonde. Bleach! (Lynette gestures no in frustration. She jumps up on the fireplace ledge. Acts like shes making a noose, puts it around her neck and hangs herself. She jumps down and pretends like shes dead. Everyone stares in disbelief. Edie looks shocked.) Tom: Hang 'em high? Lynette: Yes! Yes! Yes! Susan: Okay. Well, I think it's time for a break. Bree: Good idea. Everyone: (uncomfortable) Yeah. Tom: (to Lynette)You feeling okay? 'Cause you're...Acting kinda spacey. Lynette: Yeah, no, I'm good. Hey, do you think they have any grapes or lobster? Tom: Why--why don't I go get you some coffee, hon? (Andrew walks in.) Andrew: Uh, um, Orson? Hey, um, there's a phone call for you at the house. You should probably take it. (Orson runs out. Andrew sees Lynette at the table eating everything. Andrew gives Lynette the thumbs up sign. Lynette smiles back. As Orson goes out the front door, Stella runs in.) Orson: Hi. Stella: Hello. Oh, Tom. Tom: Stella, whatwhat are you doing here? Stella: I made some brownies earlier, and I just...noticed they were missing. Lynette didn't bring them here, did she? Tom: Why? Is that a problem? (Tom runs into the living room as Lynette is passing out the brownies.) Lynette: It's like chocolate love. Tom: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry, uh, don't eat those. (Tom grabs the brownie out of Edie and Katherines hands. He grabs the one in Mike and Susans hands.) Tom: Don't eat those. Sorry. Uh, no! Bad batch. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. (He grabs the ones from Bree and Carlos.) Tom: Sorry. Full of trans fats. (He walks backwards and bumps into Gabrielle who spills a drink all over Adam.) Gabrielle: Tom, watch it! Tom: I am sorry. (Gabrielle grabs a napkin.) Gabrielle: Oh, here. Let me get that. Adam: Thank you. Gabrielle: Okay. Adam: It's a little cold. Gabrielle: Sorry. Adam: It's all right. (She begins patting Adams shirt. Katherine walks up.) Katherine: Would it be too much to ask you to keep your hands off my husband? Gabrielle: What? I spilled my drink on him. Katherine: And you're trying to make up for it by breast-feeding him? Adam: Uh, Katherine? Gabrielle: Look, lady, you need to calm down. You're getting a reputation around here for having a stick up your ass.
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Katherine: Better that reputation than the one you're toting around. Gabrielle: What do you mean by that? Susan: Okay, back to charades. Katherine: Never mind. Forget it. Gabrielle: Oh, no, no. Tell me. What's my reputation? Am I smug and holier-than-thou? Oh, no, wait. That's you. (Victor walks into the room.) Katherine: Let me be specific. By reputation, I mean that you are the kind of woman that treats a man like a plaything, whether it's my husband or let's say...your teenage gardener? Gabrielle: Bree saw you slap your daughter. Katherine: Excuse me? Bree: Gaby! Gabrielle: Yeah, she asked about her father and then you smacked her. Why'd you do that? Katherine: This is the last thing that I will ever say to you. Yes, I lost my temper with Dylan, but her father is a horrible man. I want you to imagine the worst thing that a father can do to his daughter. What was I supposed to tell Dylan about that, hmm? I hope that satisfies everyone's curiosity. (Katherine walks out of the room.) Lynette: Oh, my god. "Hang 'em high" has three syllables. [Susans house bedroom] (Victor is sitting on the bed as Gabrielle walks in.) Gabrielle: I guess you...saw what happened down there. Victor: Yep. Gabrielle: Look, it was a long time ago, and...and it didn't mean anything. Victor: How many people know about this? Gabrielle: Now or before tonight? Victor: How many? Gabrielle: Look, I know you're upset. Victor: I'm not upset. I'm just trying to work out how to spin this. Clearly, the boy was underage. Do you think money would shut him up? Gabrielle: Victor, really, I don't think it's a big deal. Victor: Hmm. That's because you're not me. (Victor walks out of the room.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house locked room] (Dillon and Julie are going through boxes.) Julie: Okay, you've got to remember this. (holding up a Teddy Bear) This is Bodsworth. You took him everywhere. Dylan: No, I think I'd remember a bear that ugly. Julie: Well, clearly, it's yours. Your mom kept it all these years, and he's here in your old room. Dylan: Wait. This was my old room? My mom told me I'm in my old room down the hall. Julie: No, this was your room. What are you talking about? (Katherine walks in.) Katherine: Evening, girls. Julie: Hey. How was the party? Katherine: It was lovely. I think your mother would like you home to help clean up. (Julie gets up and walks out.)
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Dylan: I'm sorry, mom. Katherine: It's okay, sweetie. But I don't want you seeing that girl anymore. (Dillon walks out.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - kitchen] (Orson walks in.) Bree: Orson, honey, where have you been? Orson: We got a call from Danielle's doctor. Apparently, her fall caused a placental abruption, where the placenta separates from the uterus. Bree: Oh, my god. Orson: Now they said not to panic. There are degrees of this. They're doing a sonogram, then they're gonna call us. Bree: I can't wait that long. I have to be with her. Orson: Okay. I'll get your purse. (Bree and Orson are leaving Susans house.) Susan: What do you think you're doing? You can't leave yet. Bree: Something's come up. We'll talk tomorrow. Susan: No, we'll talk now. You still owe me an explanation for that scuzzy gyno you sent me to. Bree: I said I was sorry. For god sakes, Susan, not everything is about you. (Bree and Orson leave. Edie comes out the front door.) Edie: Oh, I know this night has been a complete disaster, but all in all, it's still your best party ever. [Susans house - bathroom] (Carlos is just drying his hands and when he opens the door, Gabrielle pushes him back in and begins kissing him.) Carlos: I'm confused. (Gabrielle slaps Carlos.) Carlos: Ow! Now I'm confused, and my head hurts.Gabrielle: That's for letting Edie think you're engaged. Carlos: And the kiss? Gabrielle: When you saw me flirting, you smashed a glass. When Victor heard I had an affair, he started crunching poll numbers. I need a man who cares enough to explode when he thinks he's gonna lose me. I don't just love you. I love the way you love me. Carlos: So we're back on? Gabrielle: See you Thursday. (They kiss passionately, and Carlos leaves.) Carlos: (on phone) Al, what have you got for me? Al: I think I found a way to make this happen, but it might take a week or two to line everything up. Carlos: Fantastic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Als office] Al: (on phone) I'll call you when it's done. (Al hangs up.) Al: Shirley? Can you make some copies of the Britt file? (Shirley leaves the office, closes the door. The door reads Al Kaminsky, Certified Public Accountant.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] (Carlos is having a drink when Victor walks in.)
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Victor: Ah, seen Gaby? Carlos: Uh, yeah, in the bathroom upstairs. Victor: Tell me something. When you found out that kid who you were paying to mow your lawn was doing your wife, how did you not kill him? Carlos: Well, I wanted to at first, but...Hey, we're all human, right? We gotta forgive and forget. Victor: You're a very understanding man. If she pulled something like that on me, that guy wouldn't be around for long. Carlos: Yeah, but no woman's worth going to jail for, right? Victor: If you have enough money, it's not that hard to make someone disappear. (Gabrielle comes downstairs.) Victor: Let's go, honey. Gabrielle: Night, Carlos. (She winks at Carlos as she leaves.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] (Bree is unhooking the DVD player.) Orson: Darling, what are you doing? Bree: I have to bring this DVD player to Danielle. Orson: Honey, we really have to go. Bree: It'll just take a few seconds. These damn cords... Orson: Sweetheart, it's a long drive. Bree: It's the only thing she asked for. (The phone rings. Orson answers.) Orson: Yes. Hello? Hello, doctor. How is she? Thank god. Bree: Oh, my god. Orson: It's gonna be okay. (Bree begins to cry. Orson helps her off the floor and she cries on Orsons shoulder.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] (Lynette and Tom enter. Stella is on the couch reading.) Stella: Kids are all tucked in. They're sleeping like angels. Tom: Great. Did you put quaaludes in their cocoa? Lynette: Could you check on 'em for me, please? (Tom goes upstairs.) Stella: So how was the party? Lynette: You drugged me. Stella: Oh. Just a little. Lynette: What is wrong with you? I told you, I didn't want any pot. Stella: Before you slap me around, let me ask you something. Do you feel better? Lynette: That's not the point. And what were you thinking, using my son as a drug mule? Stella: He didn't know what was going on, and why are you making such a big deal about it? Lynette: Let me ask you something. Do you remember what I wore to the junior prom or what part I had in the play that year? Stella: Who remembers that stuff? Lynette: Parents who weren't stoned. My whole childhood passed in a blur because you were medicating yourself...pot when you were sick, booze when you weren't. I am not going to do that. I wont miss a second
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of my kids' lives, not if I can avoid it. Stella: Well, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. You're a mom. You know, there's nothing worse than watching your kids suffer, and seeing you...act all goofy, watching that cartoon, well...it was probably the high point of my trip. Lynette: I get it. But if you ever pull something like this again... Stella: I won't. Lynette: Okay. Well...I think I'll turn in. (Lynette takes the bowl of chips and walks to the stairs.) Stella: Yenta. Lynette: What? Stella: Junior year, you were yenta in "Fiddler on the roof." Lynette: You remembered. Stella: Yeah. There are some performances so bad, even alcohol can't block them out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house front porch] (Bree is sitting. Susan walks up.) Susan: Bree? Can we call a truce, please? So you know I'm not bluffing, um, I brought cake. (Bree takes one of the cakes.) Bree: I am so sorry that I snapped at you tonight. Susan: It's okay. I just wanna know what's going on. Ever since you've been pregnant, there's been this wall between us. It's like something's changed, and I don't know why. Did I do something to offend you? Bree: It's not about you. I've just been going through some things. Susan: Like what? I mean, come on. Just tell me. We share everything. Bree: Okay. Um...I haven't told anybody this, but...it's, uh, about the baby. There have been some complications. Susan: Oh, no. Is everything okay? Bree: Yeah, everything's fine, but, uh, there was just a time where I thought I might lose it. Susan: Oh, my god. And there I was, just bugging you about your doctor. I am so sorry. You should've just told me. Bree: No, you're pregnant, too. I'm not gonna tell you anything that's gonna worry you. Susan: Oh, are you kidding? It's the first baby I've had in 17 years. You know, I could not possibly be more freaked out. This morning, I caught Mike building a crib. Bree: No. This early? Susan: Yeah! I-I wanted to scream. You know, are you nuts? Do you just wanna jinx it? Bree: This is what we get for having kids at our age...anxiety, terror. Susan: It's just gonna get worse. Do you know, when our babies go to college, we'll be like... Bree: Dead? Susan: If we are lucky Bree: Mm. Susan: Look at us. Pregnant gals, eating cake and bi*chin'. It's kinda nice, huh? Bree: It really is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] (Katherine is up in the locked room moving boxes. Adam walks in.) Adam: What are you doing? Katherine: The hospital called. My aunt's ready to come home.
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Adam: And you want her to stay in here? Katherine: Yeah. I think making this room off-limits was a mistake. If I want Dylan to focus on other things, I really need to make it less intriguing. Adam: Speaking of intriguing, what were you thinking last night? Katherine: What? Adam: Come on. "The worst thing a father could do"? You realize what people are gonna think. Katherine: Yeah. They're gonna be very uncomfortable, and uncomfortable people don't ask questions. [Wisteria Lane - day] (Children are playing on the sidewalk.) Mary Alice Voiceover: All children love games. But children grow up, and then they find new games to play. [Lynettes house - yard] Mary Alice Voiceover: They pretend to be well so their families won't worry. (Lynette is sitting in the yard and her mother brings her a bowl of food.) [Edies house - porch] (Carlos kisses Edie as he goes off to work.) Mary Alice Voiceover: They lie to their lovers about where they go in the afternoon. [Brees house front yard] (Bree is getting the mail when Susan walks up and tries to hug her.) Susan: So anyway, that's why it was so great. (Bree drops the mail to distract Susan.) Bree: Oh! Susan: I got it, I got it. Oh, one more. Here you go. Mary Alice Voiceover: They invent stories to hide the truth from their friends. [Katherines house] (Katherine is sitting on the throw rug in the middle of the locked room.) Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes...everyone has fun playing games (Katherine reaches for the corner of the rug. There is a deep gash in the floor under the rug.) Mary Alice Voiceover:right up until the moment...someone gets hurt. (Katherine begins crying and touches the gash in the floor.) ~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives 4X04 If Theres Anything I Cant Stand -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: When her first husband died, Bree thought she was rid of her mother-in-law. Danielle got pregnant, and Bree got creative. Orson: Soon this whole charade will completely unravel, and we will be humiliated. Mary Alice Voiceover: Carlos and Gaby's affair turned dangerous... Victor: If she pulled something like that on me, that guy wouldn't be around for long. Mary Alice Voiceover: And an old neighbor returned. Katherine: I didn't want poor Aunt Lily to spend her final days in a nursing home. Bree: That is so kind of you.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs. Lillian Sims returned to Wisteria Lane on a Saturday. As she emerged from the ambulance, it occurred to her the neighborhood looked exactly as she had left it. She then decided she should have painted her house blue. Moments later, she wondered if she would see her husband in heaven. These are just some of the thoughts that go through an old woman's mind when she comes home to die. [Katherines House] Katherine: Now if you need anything, you just ring this little bell, and I'll come running. Lillian: I'm sorry to be so much trouble. Well, the good news is, I-I won't be a burden much longer. Katherine: Oh, don't say that. The doctors say there's a good chance at you'll be with us for a very long time. Lillian: I know what's happening to me, Katherine. You don't need to lie. Katherine: Aunt Lily...What does it feel like? Dying, I mean. Lillian: It's not that bad. I feel lucky. When you know time is running out, you--you get a chance to reflect on your life. I-I really did try to live a good one. Katherine: You did more than try. God is going to welcome you with open arms. Lillian: I'm not so sure. Katherine: Oh, why would you say that? Lillian: I keep thinking about Dylan...what we did, what we covered up. Katherine: We did what we had to. Lillian: We should have told someone. Katherine: We couldn't. You know that. Lillian: It--it was a mistake, and it's not too late to rectify it. Katherine: Your life may be over, but that does not give you the right to go around destroying the lives of others. Lillian: I can't go to my grave with this on my conscience. Please! We have to tell that girl what happened in this room. Katherine: Absolutely not. Mary Alice Voiceover: As her guilt over the past began to mount, it occurred to Lillian death couldn't come quickly enough. This thought occurred to her niece as well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There were a lot of things Bob Hunter disliked about living in the city, and the thing he hated most were the pests---the rats that lurked in the alleys...the flies that swarmed the garagethe bugs that invaded his co-op. Bob: I have tried it your way... Mary Alice Voiceover: Finally, Bob informed his significant other it was time...to leave the city. So they moved to suburbia, which they quickly discovered had a few pests... [Outside Lee and Bobs house] Susan: Hey, neighbor! Mary Alice Voiceover:of its own. Susan: Oh, we haven't gotten a chance to meet. I'm Susan. I live next door. Oh! jeez. Lee: Hi. Hi, I'm Lee. Susan: Uh, I-I just wanted to say hi. You know, I saw the movers taking in some of your furniture, and I just have to say you and your wife have gorgeous taste. Bob: Need some help? Lee: Yeah, like you wouldn't believe.
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Susan: Um, I'm Susan. I live next door. Bob: Oh, hi. I'm Lee's partner Bob. Susan: Oh, you're partners. What kind of business? You know, whatever it is, just don't let the neighborhood association hear that you work out of your house. They're so not cool. Bob: Actually, we're life partners. Susan: Oh. Oh! oh, that's super! Yeah, I've seen a lot of cable, so I get it. You're just great. Lee: Thank you. I-I hope we can live up to your stereotype. Bob: Don't mind him. He's just a little cranky from, uh, all the fresh air. Lee: Do not apologize for me. Bob: Lee, you're the one who said moving here would be better for Raphael. Susan: So there's, uh... there's three of you. Well, that must be... cozy. Lee: Yes. We're gay Mormons. Bob: Susan, uh...that's Raphael. Susan: Raphael is your dog, of course. You know, 'cause you folks can't have kids. I mean, uh, I mean, of course you can have kids, um, you--you know, because times have changed, and now you're allowed. What a... nice dog. I should go. Bob: Nice to meet you.Hey, stop by any time, Susan--What are you doing? Lee: What are you doing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees House] Bree: Yes? Delivery man: I have a delivery for Danielle Van de Kamp. Can I get you to sign here, please? Andrew: Is that for us? Bree: No, it's for Danielle. There you are. Thank you. Orson: That's odd. Who would send her a scooter? Bree: I knew it! Phyllis--Rex's mother. Ever since he died, she's been trying to buy children's affection. Orson: Well, it's a honey of a bike. I'm sure Danielle will appreciate the thought. Bree: Well, I'm not giving it to her. Can you think of a worse present for a pregnant girl? Andrew: Well, I'm not knocked up. Let me have it. Bree: You know how I feel about 2-wheeled motorized vehicles. They're too dangerous. We'll donate it to the church. Andrew: What?! Bree: Reverend Sikes said they're looking for items for the raffle. Andrew: So we're just gonna give it away? Bree: Well, it's better than you breaking your neck on it. Andrew: Mom, you know how much I want a scooter. Come on. Orson: You heard your mother. We're donating it to the church. Of course we need to make sure it's in good working order before we do that. Bree: Not without a helmet. Andrew: This blows. Are we gonna let her do this to us? Orson: Absolutely not. If we win that raffle, we're keeping it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes House] Tom: Hey. It is nice to hear you humming again. Lynette: We, it's amazing what a week without chemo can do. Tom: Yeah. When does the last round start?
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Lynette: Next month, so I have some time before I start feeling like total crap again. And I was hoping we could put that time to good use. Tom: Are you sure? I mean, the doctor said it could be months before you get your mojo back. Lynette: Well, it's back. And since when do you question the mojo? Tom: You're right. You're right. Forgive me. Lynette: Okay, so here are your options. "A," we could go romantic, play soft music, light some candles, or "B," go straight to the-Tom: God, it's so been soong. I hope I remember how to do this. Lynette: Well, it's just like riding a bike. You never forget. Now start pedaling. Hey. Hey. What are you doing? Tom: Ooh, sorry. I just messed up your hair. I'm just trying to fix it. Sorry. Al-almost got it. Lynette: Hey! Hey. Screw it. Tom: Whatwhat are you doing? Lynette: Oh, I ripped it this morning. It's been itching the hell out of me...And this is much better. Tom: Are you sure you wanna take that off, honey? I mean, won't you be cold? Lynette: No, I'm good. Hey, babe, what's going on? You still with me? Tom: Yeah. It's just--it's kinda... Lynette: What? Tom:late. Lynette: It's 9:30. Tom: It's just that one of our ovens broke down today, and the repairman's coming first thing in the morning, maybe I could ravish you...tomorrow. Lynette: Oh, okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees House front yard] Susan: Come on, Bree. You have to let us do this. Bree: Uh, it's a lovely thought, but I really don't want a baby shower. Gabrielle: Well, I bought you an expensive gift, and I'm not giving it to you unless there's a party with people who can see how generous I am. Orson: Bree, watch this! Bree: Orson, I said be careful! I just think it's tacky to have a baby shower when it's not your first baby. Susan: Well, I don't see the problem with it...Hint, hint. Lynette: Yeah, and showers aren't just about presents. They're fun. Gabrielle: And we can play games, like "how big is mummy's tummy?" Bree: Excuse me? Gabrielle: Yeah, we get a ball of yarn, and we each cut a piece that we think is just big enough to fit around your stomach, and the one closest wins a prize. Bree: I really don't want a shower. Orson: Look! Look at me! Bree: Orson, just five more minutes! That's all you're getting! I tell you what. Why don't we just skip the shower, and after the baby's born, I'll have a christening party? What do you say? Orson: I'm okay! I'm fine. Bree: Oh, dear god. Andrew: Excuse me, ladies. I-I couldn't help overhearing you-you talking about my mom's shower. I-I think I could be of a little assistance here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Susans House] Mike: Why do you have to take our new neighbors cookie bars? Susan: Oh, look, I made a terrible first impression, so I thought I'd make them some of my home-baked goodness. Mike: But you didn't bake any goodness. You just warmed up the goodness I bought at the store. Susan: Well, yeah. I don't bake. Catch up. Mike: You know, not all neighbors have to be friends. Why don't you just let it go? Susan: Mike, they live 15 feet from us. If we have a fire, I wanna be sure that they like us enough to call 9-1-1. Mike: Ah, that's the real reason. You can't stand it when somebody doesn't like you. Susan: Well, maybe. Mike: Maybe Bob and Lee just like to keep to themselves. Susan: That's fine, and once they like me, they can keep to themselves all they damn well please. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lee and Bobs house - porch] Susan: Hi. I wanted to bring you a "welcome to the neighborhood" present. You should try one while they're still warm from the oven. Lee: That was really nice. Thank you. Oh, are there nuts in them? Susan: Nuts? Lee: Yeah. Susan: Gee, let me think. Nope, no nuts. Lee: Are you sure? 'Cause I'm highly allergic. Half a pecan could kill me. Susan: I'm not seeing any nuts. Lee: Okay, you made them, so did you or did you not put nuts in them? Susan: Okay, here's the thing. I'm a really crappy baker. To give you something that I made myself would be like an insult, so Lee: So--soso you bought them, and-and then you heated them up in attempt to make your gesture seem more thoughtful than, in fact, it was. Susan: Hey, I would've made them myself if I knew how. Honestly, I'm a good neighbor. Lee: Yeah, well, neighbor, why don't you take your store-bought, warmed-up, possibly poisonous cookie bars and give them to someone more likely to survive your generosity? Susan: Do you like wine? Lee: No, no, so please don't bring me a bottle from your vineyard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Wig store] Salesgirl: This rip is pretty big. It'll take about a week. Lynette: A week? All right. You'll hurt if you can? Gabrielle: Honey, it's okay. You look cute in a scarf. Lynette: I'm upset 'cause that salesgirl just walked away with my sex life. Gabrielle: What? Lynette: After two months of puking my guts out, last night I was finally in the mood, but Tomnot so much. Apparently, my bald head is a big turnoff for him. Gabrielle: Why'd you take your wig off? Lynette: It was itchy. Gabrielle: Okay, not smart. Lynette: Gaby, I am his wife. He's supposed to love me--not my body, me...my--my soul. Why can't he make love to my soul?
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Gabrielle: Interesting. Question--when was the last time you were in the bar and heard a guy turn to his friend and say, "hey, check out the soul on that girl"? Lynette: What are you saying? Gabrielle: I'm saying men are visual. Hell, I have a whole closet full of costumes. You need to give Tom something to look at, something spicy, like... Lynette: Gaby, I'm not a redhead. Gabrielle: But you could be, which brings me to my second point--men like variety. Tonight you're a redhead. Tomorrow...you are...Helga, the sexy milkmaid. Or...Amber, the lonely runaway. Or...Jeff, the friendly guy from work. What? I don't know what Tom is into. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Claude: Hmm. Edie: Claude, you know I don't like it when you "hmm." Claude: Edie...how long have you had this? Edie: Had what? I don't have anything. I'm just here for my 5,000-mile checkup. Claude: Well, you know that bullet you've managed to dodge all these years? Edie: Which one? The clap? The herp? The syph? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edies House] Carlos: Crabs? Edie: Relax. I'll boil all the sheets and towels, and then we'll use this special shampoo, and in three days, the crotch carnival packs up and leaves town. Carlos: Oh, man. How did this happen? Edie: Don't give me that look. I know exactly how I got 'em. I used the tanning bed right after mimsy porter, that skank. Carlos: Ew, it smells like burnt licorice. Edie: Well, come in the bathroom, and I'll show you how to use this. Carlos: I think I can figure that out. Edie: You know, the good news is we're in a committed relationship. Otherwise, we'd have to make that call of shame to everyone we've been with. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Rostrum] Victor: You've heard me make before, but something I feel very, very strongly about. For me, it's a very simple formula. More development leads to an increased tax base, which helps build schools for our children. Around the country, the needs of children are being... Gabrielle: What are you doing here? Carlos: I need to talk to you. Gabrielle: Can't you just call me? Carlos: This is not something that you wanna hear on the phone. And not follow this trend. And we will put education where it belongs-- at the top of the list. Gabrielle: Ew! How did you get those? Carlos: How do you think? Edie. Gabrielle: You are still sleeping with Edie? Carlos: Well, you're still sleeping with Victor, aren't you? Gabrielle: Yeah, if I didn't, he would think something is going on. What is your excuse for doing it with Edie? Carlos: She wants to, and I'm a guy.
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Carlos: Ow! Gabrielle: This is serious, okay? If Victor wakes up with a zoo in his pants, there's gonna be hell to pay. Carlos: You don't have to tell me. If he finds out about us, I'm the one that's gonna wind up in a landfill. Gabrielle: Okay, just don't panic, okay? We're gonna get the salve or ointment or whatever it is you put down there, and we're gonna be fine. Carlos: We're screwed. Gabrielle: Yeah. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes House] Lynette: Tom? The kids are asleep. Are you coming to bed anytime soon? Tom: Yeah, I just gotta pick a new running back for my fantasy football team. Lynette: That's too bad. I had a little fantasy thing planned of my own. Tom: Whoa. Lynette... Lynette: Lynette's not here right now. I'm Brandy, the slutty cheerleader. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Victors House] Victor: This is all very romantic, Gaby, but I still have four building proposals to read before tomorrow. Gabrielle: That's nurse Gaby to you. Victor: Nurse Gaby? Am I sick? Gabrielle: Well, the doctor says you need to relax, and I know just how to relax you. Victor: It smells like licorice. Gabrielle: It's a blend of 36 essential oils, anise root and fennel. Do you like it? Victor: It smells a little medicine. Gabrielle: That's the fennel. Victor: It's stinging a little. Gabrielle: That's the tension...leaving your body. Victor: It's really stinging. Gabrielle: And we can rinse it off...in three to five minutes. But before we do that... Victor: What the hell is that? Gabrielle: You know, for a guy getting rubbed down by a hot nurse, you ask a lot of questions. Victor: Sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans House] Susan: (on phone) Oh, come on, Uncle Frank.What's the point of having a gay uncle if youre not gonna help me make friends with these guys? Oh. Uh, mom said that the whole family knew. Um, okay. Gotta go. Love you. Susan: What's going on? Julie: Oh, I found Raphael wandering in the street. I went to take him back, but Bob and Lee aren't home, so I'm just gonna give him a little treat and put him back in their yard. Susan: Bup, bup, bup! Wait a second. Julie: What? Susan: Leave him with me. I need to score some points with those guys, and being a dog-rescuing hero could be just the ticket. Julie: So what, you're just gonna keep him here until they come back? Susan: Uh-huh. Maybe a little longer. Julie: How long?
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Susan: Well, long enough for them to worry. You know, the more they worry, the more I'm a hero. Get it? Julie: I get that you're insane. Susan: I'm not, I'm not. Now get some mud. I wanna dirty him up so he looks like he's been through hell. Okay, in you go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house driveway] Orson: Here, let me help you with those. Bree: Oh, that's all right. I've got them, Mr. Knievel. Orson: Oh, boy. You're never gonna let me live this down, are you? Bree: Nope. Orson: I thought the same thing. Bree: It seems to me that you should go to the doctor again. [Brees house driveway] All: Surprise! Bree: Uh, guys...What did I tell you? Lynette: You said "no shower. But look around--men. So technically, it's a party, not a shower. Susan: Andrew told us that you only said no...'cause you didn't want to impose. Bree: Oh! So you're responsible Andrew: Yeah, well, I-I know you said not to make a big fuss, but, hey, you earned it. Gabrielle: Well, don't just stand there. Come in. We have lots of food and fun and surprises. Andrew: Yeah, all kinds of surprises. Phyllis: Where is she? Bree! Bree: Phyllis! Andrew: I, uh, helped with the invitations, too. Phyllis: I can't tell you how touched I was to be included, especially after my many conciliatory gesture were so coldly rebuffed. Bree: I have been awful. I wouldn't blame you if you stormed out right now. Phyllis: Nonsense. I'm here to celebrate our renewed friendship...and your baby. Or should I say babies? You know, it's often a sign of twins when a mother's face gets all plump like yours. Oh, um... Andrew: I, uh, bet you wouldn't mind if I broke my neck on that scooter now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines House] Katherine: I'm off to the bank. Aunt Lily just took a pill, so she's down for the afternoon. Dylan: Okay. Have fun. Lily: Is your mother gone? Dylan: Yeah. Do you need her? Lily: No, no. This is what I wanted. Dylan: I thought you took a sleeping pill. Lily: I pretended to so she'd leave us alone. Dylan: Aunt Lily, what's going on? Lily: I have to tell you something. First, you should know that what happened...it was nobody's fault. Dylan: What do you mean, "what happened"? Lily: You don't remember living on this street before, do you? Dylan: No. Lily: Well...there's a reason for that. Katherine: Dylan?
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Dylan: Mom, I thought you left. Katherine: I forgot my checkbook. Could you go down and find it for me? Dylan: Sure. Katherine: You really should get your rest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Tom: Hey. Lynette: Hi. Tom: Hi. Got your wig back, huh? Lynette: Yeah. Good as new. Tom: Listen, I thought we could put the kids to bed early tonight, if you know what I mean. Lynette: I do, and I'm up for that. Tom: Fantastic. I hope Brandy won't get stuck late at cheerleading practice. Lynette: Oh, about Brandy...bad news. Tom: What? Whatwhat happened? Lynette: Well, Penny wanted to play beauty school with the wig, and, well, let's just say she's got no future as a stylist. Tom: Bad haircut, huh? Lynette: Oh. Tom: Sounds like brandy might get awful mad about that. Lynette: Brandy's history, Tom. Let her go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lee and Bobs house] Lee: Raphael! Come home, boy! Raphael?! Susan: Lee? Is something wrong? Lee: Raphael got out. I-I don't know what happened. I think he jumped the fence. Susan: Oh. Well, would you like me to help you look for him? Lee: Seriously? What a--what about your party? Susan: Oh. It's just a baby shower...that I'm throwing... for my best friend. Lee: I can't--I can't ask you to leave that. That's Susan: Oh, please. What are neighbors for? Raphael?! Here, puppy! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees House] Phyllis: I see you've taken down all the pictures of Rex. Bree: Well, I'm, uh, sorry if that offends you, Phyllis, but I didn't want Orson to feel uncomfortable in his new home. Phyllis: I see. You're trying to be considerate of your husband's feelings. Well, I'm glad that you're at least trying to get it right the second time around. Still, it must be awfully hard on Danielle and Andrew to have their father's face banished from their own home. Bree: He wasn't banished. Phyllis: By the way...where--where's Danielle? Bree: She's, uh, at boarding school...in Switzerland. Phyllis: Switzerland?! Is it asking too much to be told what continent my granddaughter is on?! You are keeping my grandchildren from me, and I don't know why. Bree: I'm going to mingle. Phyllis: Every time I start a chat, you walk away. I mean, if you don't want to talk to me, why did you invite me?
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Bree: It's a surprise party, you daft woman! What makes you think I had a hand in the guest list? Phyllis: So...you don't want me here? Bree: Oh, for god sakes, Phyllis, it's not as if we got along when Rex was alive. Phyllis: What did I ever do to you but try to treat you like a daughter? I even gave you my mother's sable coat. Bree: You hated your mother. Phyllis: But I loved that coat. Bree: Then I'll give it back to you. Phyllis: No, you keep it as a reminder of how hard I tried to make you like me. Andrew: Grandma, are you leaving already? Phyllis: I'm sorry, dear, but your mother has made it impossible for me to stay. Where does she keep my sable coat? Andrew: Probably in her bedroom closet. Bree: Where is she going? Andrew: She asked me where your fur coat was. Bree: And--and you told her?! Andrew: Oh, crap. Phyllis: I guess you won't be needing the breast pump I bought you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Phyllis: So... Danielle is having a baby. Bree: Yes, and for the sake of her reputation, we've agreed to pretend that it's mine. Phyllis: I just hope that those Swiss doctors know what they're doing. Bree: She's not in Switzerland. She's at the sisters of Hope Convent. Look, Phyllis, I'm sorry. I know this is upsetting. Phyllis: Actually, I'm thrilled. I'm going to be a great-grandma. Bree: Well, um...technically, yes. Phyllis: What do you mean, "technically"? Bree: We're saying that the baby is mine and Orson's, and if you hover around like a grandmother, people will be suspicious. Phyllis: You're not keeping this baby from me, not if you don't want me to tell those people downstairs whose child it really is. Bree: You wouldn't. Think of Danielle! Phyllis: I wish you had. If you'd raised her properly, she wouldn't be pregnant without a husband. Bree: You think I don't know I'm a failure as a parent? That's why this child means so much to me. It's my second chance. Phyllis: Well, I hope the second time around that you take my advice. I always said that you were too strict with those kids. Bree: Parenting tips from you? That's rich. Phyllis: I was a wonderful mother to Rex. Bree: Then why did he always avoid you? Why were you barely ever here? Phyllis: Because of you! He knew you hated me. Bree: Oh, he was happy to let you think that, but he was the one who dreaded your visits. Phyllis: Oh. Bree: Phyllis, wait! Phyllis: Excuse me, everyone, but I have something to say. Whatwhat is it, grandma?
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Phyllis: II have to go. I just wanna to say how nice it was to see you all again after so much time. Goodbye. Bree: Thank you for the gift. Phyllis: You know, Bree, you're not the only one who would like a second chance. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Sidewalk] Susan: Nothing, huh? Lee: No. No, he's lost. And he doesn't know this neighborhood. There's no way he's gonna find his way home. Susan: Oh, he will. Come on. You gotta keep believing. Lee: Oh, crap! Bob's home. What am I gonna tell him? Susan: Don't. We'll just keep looking. I have a feeling we're gonna find that cute little guy. Lee: You--you are so nice to do this, I mean, especially after the way I acted when we first Susan: You know what? Don't worry about it. I'm gonna go inside and get us some water, and then we're gonna just keep looking. Lee: Okay. Bob: Lee! I can't find Raphael. You seen him anywhere? Lee: Oh, Bob, prompromise you won't hate me. Bob: What are you talking about? What happened? Lee: Raphael got out. Bob: He got out? Lee: Yeah. Bob: He doesn't know the neighborhood. Lee: I know he doesn't know the neighborhood. Bob: What are you talking about? How are you looking for him? Oh, wait, he's right there. Hey, hey. Oh! Hey! Hey! Lee: Oh! Oh, my god! What was our dog doing in your garage? Mike: I have no idea. Susan: What? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees House] Carlos: Did you get a chance to, uh, napalm the jungle yet? Gabrielle: Yep. Carlos: And? Gabrielle: All quiet on the southern front. Carlos: Gaby, we have got to be more careful. Gabrielle: Absolutely. It's kind of exciting, though. Carlos: What is? Gabrielle: Playing with fire, almost getting burned but not quite. Carlos: Don't be thinking like that. If Victor catches us, he'll kill us both. Gabrielle: That's what's so exciting. Edie: Hi. Victor: Hi. Edie: Oh, my--excuse me. Mmm, that's, um...an interesting cologne you're wearing. Victor: My wife gave it to me. It's got, uh, anise root, fennel. What, you like it? Edie: Yeah, it's just, um...I don't know...weirdly familiar. Waiter: Crab cake?
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Edie: Uh, yeah. Thanks. Waiter: Crab cake? Waiter: Crab cake? Waiter: Crab cake? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes House] Tom: Kids are asleep. Lynette: I'm not. Whatcha got back there? Tom: Just a little present. Say hello to Brandy's even sluttier sister...Candy. Lynette: What are you doing? Tom: Well, I just--I just thought since we had so much fun last night maybe we can have a little more fun. Lynette: And that's only possible when you're pretending I'm someone else? Tom: Well, you have to pretend, too. What? Lynette: This...is me, Tom, not Brandy or Candy. It's just your wife, Lynette. Am I not enough for you? Tom: What are you getting so mad for? The first wig was your idea. Lynette: Yeah, because I'm bald. And I know that that's a big old turnoff, but, you know, I can't help it. I have cancer. Tom: Yes, I know. I hear about it all the time. Can you blame me for wanting to escape every once in a while? Lynette: Escape from me, you mean? Tom: Yes! You know why last night was so much fun? Because I got to make love to someone who wasn't sick. Look, I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say this stuff. I have to be the heroic husband who listens and holds you when you cry and never cries himself. But this affects me, too. Lynette: Well... I know that. Tom: You do? Lynette: Yeah. Tom: How? Since this whole thing began, have you ever once asked me how I'm doing? Lynette: Oh...my god. I haven't, have I? I am one of those...whiny, self-involved sick people. Tom: I didn't say that. Lynette: No, I am. It's been months, and I have barely thought about what you're going through. Tom: It's okay. You're going through something. Lynette: Will you stop being so heroic?! I'm a cancer bi*ch! What? Tom: I'm not gonna argue with you. Lynette: You suck. Well...I guess I could give Candy a whirl. Are the kids really asleep? 'Cause I think she might be a screamer. Tom: Actually, if wre gonna pretend...how about tonight? I'm not a hero and you are not a cancer patient? We'll just be tom and Lynette, see what happens. Lynette: Oh, I'd like that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans House] Susan: How's Bob's suit? Mike: Ruined. Susan: Oh. What if we take it to my cleaners? Mike: Susan, that paint's not coming out...so we're buying him a new suit...for 2,000 bucks. Susan: $2,000? Mike: Well, according to Lee, it's a dolce. I don't know what that means, but he said it six times. Susan: That's crazy.
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Mike: No, what's crazy is I'm about to buy the most expensive suit of my life, and I'll never wear it. Susan: Oh. I just wanted them to like me. Mike: Well, they don't. Lee said that six times, too. Susan: There must be some way I can apologize to them. Mike: We can't afford any more of your apologies. Susan: I know. Uh, maybe if I Mike: Damn it, Susan, let it go, okay? I asked you to before, and you didn't, and look what happened. So I'll ask you again. Just let it go. Susan: Mike, wait. We should talk about this. Mike: I'm going to bed. I've gotta work tomorrow. I'm buying a suit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hope Convent] Danielle: Grandma! What are you doing here? Phyllis: You needn't be embarrassed, dear. Your mother's told me everything. Danielle: It's great to see you. I hate this place. It's like baby jail. Phyllis: Well, that's what I've come to talk to you about. Perhaps it's time for you to leave. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines House] Lily: Dylan? Is that you? We have--have to talk. Dylan: Hey. I'm glad you're home. I wanted to talk to you about Aunt Lily. Katherine: What about her? Dylan: It was so weird. She called me into her room this afternoon. She started saying she knew why I didn't remember living on this street before. Katherine: Oh, sweetie. Your Aunt Lily is fading fast. Half the time, she doesn't know what she's saying. Dylan: Was that her? Katherine: No, I just checked on her. She's sleeping. You know, you have that recital in two weeks. Shouldn't you be practicing? Lily: Dylan. Please! Mary Alice Voiceover: Pests--they come in all shapes and sizes and disrupt our lives in a variety of ways. At first, they're merely annoying, and we do our best to ignore them. Home in my own bed....but if we don't take them seriously, they can become quite dangerous. For some, death seems to be the easiest solution. But the problem with pests is that what they leave behind...is just as dangerous. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X05 Art isnt Easy -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives... Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle tried to rekindle an old affair. John: Gaby, I'm getting married. Gabrielle: And I was married when we got together. John: That is not how I'm gonna be married. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette got the support she needed for chemotherapy.
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine, who liked everything in its place... Gabrielle: Ooh. Mary Alice Voiceover:thought that her husband was forgetting his. Katherine: Oh, I guess you learn nothing from Chicago. Mary Alice Voiceover: Brees attempt to keep her daughters pregnancy a secret Phyllis: You are keeping my grandchildren from me. Mary Alice Voiceover:evoked an unexpected response. Bob: We're life partners. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Susan tried to connect with the newest neighbors. Susan: Yeah, I've seen a lot of cable, so I get it. Lee: I hope we can live up to your stereotype. Susan: I should go. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The odd-Looking boxes were delivered to the home of Bob Hunter And Lee McDermott early on a Tuesday morning. It wasn't long before workmen had opened them and begun assembling the various parts and pieces. Happily, it only took three hours to turn the contents into a finished work of art. Sadly, it only took 15 minutes for the residents of Wisteria Lane... Gabrielle: What the hell is it? Mary Alice Voiceover:to become art critics. Susan: I think it's a sculpture. Mrs. McCluskey: I think it's crap. Bree: Of a the gay men in the world, we have to get the two without taste. Katherine: What are we gonna do about this? Gabrielle: I say we keep smiling and look for the hidden cameras. I think we're about to get Punk'd. Mrs. McCluskey: I don't think there's anything we can do. It's not our lawn. Katherine: It's our neighborhood, and we have rules against this sort of thing, or at least we did when I used to live here. Who's running the homeowners association? Bree: Well, it was Mary Alice, but as you may have heard... Katherine: Yes, very tragic. So we havent had a president in four years? Mrs. McCluskey: No one would volunteer. Its a pain-in-the-ass job. Katherine: Ill volunteer. We can hold an election in the next couple of days. I can get rid of this tinfoil atrocity by the weekend. Susan: Okay, before we become an ugly mob, why doesn't one of us go talk to the guys? But not me. They hate me. Mrs. McCluskey: Bree, you talk to them. You can relate to them. Bree: Why would you say that? Mrs. McCluskey: You got a kid who came flying out of the closet. And a husband who's been looking for the doorknob. What? You've met him. Gabrielle: Ooh! They're coming. Bob: Good morning, ladies. Bree: Hi. Uh, we were just talking about your sculpture. Lee: That's what I love about art--the way it provokes discussion. Katherine: Although it would've been nice, if you had discussed it with us. Lee: What, you don't-- you don't like it? Gabrielle: Well, we're not saying that. Bree: It's just a little, uh...
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Katherine: It's an eyesore. Lee: Really? Katherine: Mm-hmm. Lee: You hear that, Bob? We flew to Finland and paid $24,000 to commission an eyesore. Susan: I don't mind it. Not to brag, but I went to art school. Mrs. McCluskey: Community college. Susan: And they taught us that art is subjective. Bob: Thank you, Susan. Katherine: Susan's need for approval aside, this clearly is not appropriate for the street. Wisteria Lane has a... Traditional look. Lee: Well, maybe you'd like it better if we covered it with a gingham throw. Bob: Ladies, uh, I'm sorry. We honestly thought that people would like it, but even if you disapprove, we hope that you will respect our right to decorate as we see fit. Lee: Have a nice day, philistines. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, art came to Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday morning, And by Tuesday afternoon... Katherine: I think it's time to reconvene the homeowners' association. All in favor? All: Aye. Mary Alice Voiceover:war had come as well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Opening Credits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: As word of the sculpture spread, Bob and Lee began to wonder if any of their neighbors would be supportive. But when the sculpture's true function was unveiled the next day, whatever support they did have...was quickly washed away. Susan: Come on. It's 6:00 a.m. What is that? Mike: I don't know, but make it stop. Susan: Oh, my god. Wow! It's a fountain, too. Bob: We would have mentioned that yesterday, but your friends were a little uptight. Susan: Yeah, they can get like that. So do you think that you can just turn it off for a second? Bob: What's up? Susan: I was just wondering, um, do you think you could move it to your backyard? Bob: Why? I thought you liked it. Remember? You said,"art is subjective." Susan: Yes. Quiet art is subjective. But you see, Mike is working really long hours lately, and he can't s sleep with all that noise. Lee: We're not gonna turn it off because we need it to drown out all the stuff we hear coming from your house. Susan: Like what? Lee: Let's see. You yakking to your mom on the phone. You grunting through your Pilates DVDs. You in the shower, butchering the score to "Brigadoon." Susan: I have a lovely voice. Lee: Whoever told you that, is not your friend. Bob: He's a little cranky. I think someone needs his French toast. Come on, Lee. No, no, no, no. No, no, we're not done here. As your neighbor, I have a right to be heard... And I say that simple human decency dictates that you turn off that fountain right now! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Tree house] Twin: Do over, Parker.
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Lynette: Hey, guys, I got your snack. What you playing? Parker: Action figures. Wanna play, mom? She does awesome alien voices. Lynette: Thanks, sweetheart. (on phone) Hello. Oh, yeah. Hi, Dr. Shiller. Okay, that's my white blood count. Uh-huh, but as long as it's higher than 4.0, that means I don't have neutropenia, right? Well, that's great. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you, too. Bye. Lynette: What? Kayla: You can't talk about doctors up here. Twin: Or about being sick. Parker: If you do, you have to go. That's the rule. Lynette: Well, that's a good rule. Although it wasn't bad news. It was actually-Kayla: Doesn't matter. We voted. It's a rule. Lynette: Got it. Sick talk done, okay? You guys have fun. Parker: Freeze power. Twin: Do over, Parker. That guy doesn't have freezing power. Parker: If his guy can fly, my guy can freeze. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: (on phone) Hi. It's, uh, Mrs. Hodge. May I please speak with Danielle? Andrew: Mmm, muffins. Orson: Hands off. We're bringing these to Danielle for her birthday. Bree: What do you mean, she's gone? And you believed her? You idiot! I should sue your irresponsible ass off for this. Yeah, well, good day to you, too, reverend mother! Orson: What happened? Bree: Those stupid nuns at the convent let Danielle's grandmother kidnap her. She claimed I'd given her permission for a weekend visit. (on phone) Phyllis! It's me. You can screen your calls all you want to, but trust me, old woman, you are in a world of trouble. I know where you live, and I am coming for you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Retirement Village] Danielle: Shouldn't we be worried? Phyllis: No, I think we're ready for her. Now show me again how you kill the zombies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: Why can't I go? I play golf. And I'd love to meet your... college buddies. Carlos: Edie, me and the guys have only two rules for these weekends--No plaid pants and no women. Edie: Fine. Be that way. And to think, I got you a gift. Carlos: Hey, golf balls. Edie: They're monogrammed. Carlos: Wait. These are your initials. Edie: Exactly. While you're out there playing, I want everyone to know who your balls belong to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles front door] Gabrielle: Good work, boys, but I have to head out in a few minutes, so make sure you put all the stuff back in the garage. (on phone) Hello? Carlos: Hey, on my way. Meet you at the hotel, okay? Gabrielle: I'm leaving in five minutes. Uh, Brett, could you come here a second? How long has that van been parked over there?
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Brett: Couple hours. Gabrielle: Hours? Are you serious? Oh, my god. Brett: I think he's just waiting for someone to come home. Gabrielle: Brett, when's the last time a cable guy waited for anyone? I see a lot of lawn mowing in your future. (on phone) Hey, it's me again. You're not gonna believe this. Before Victor left on his business trip, he hired someone to tail me. Carlos: Oh, man. Should we call this off? Gabrielle: (on phone) No way. It's gonna take more than a guy with mini binoculars and a bag of doughnuts to keep me under lock and key. I'll be there as soon as I can. Gabrielle: Boys, time to get paid. Boy#1: Come on, Eddie! Boy#2: Bye, Mrs. Lang. Boy#3: See you next time. Boy#4: Come back here! Boy#5: Are you taking the bus home? Gabrielle: As soon as we get around the corner, we're gonna have to adjust this horn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel lobby] John: Gabrielle. Hey. Gabrielle: H-hi. Look at you. What a surprise. John: Oh, uh, this is Gaby. This is my wife Tammy. Tammy, this is Gabrielle. Gabrielle: Wow, look at you. Congratulations. Tammy: Thanks. It wasn't planned. Gabrielle: Okay. So... Are you guys staying here? John: No, we just came for some lunch. Tammy: Daddy owns this place. Gabrielle: That's right. You're a hotel heiress. Tammy: Yeah, but not one of the skanky ones. How do you two know each other? John: I used to be Gabrielle 's gardener. Tammy: Oh! Well, as you can see, he's certainly married up from lawn boy. John: Tammy. Tammy: What? John: Forget it. So I heard you married the mayor. Tammy: You're married to Victor Lang? He and daddy go hunting together. I told John if he would just be nicer to daddy, he could hang out with people like the mayor and make important contacts. John: And I keep telling you that I don't need to kiss your father's ass to have a career. Gabrielle: Uh, yeah, so I married the mayor. Kooky, huh? John: So, um, is he here with you? Gabrielle: Uh, no. He's away at a conference, so I decided to treat myself to a spa weekend. Tammy: Ooh! You should definitely get the full body massage. Gabrielle: Oh, I plan to. Good to see you. John: You, too, Gaby. Gabrielle: Sorry about that. A complete shock. I mean, of all people to run into. Carlos: Who were they? Gabrielle: Just an old friend and his idiot wife. Come on. Let's go. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Retirement Village] Phyllis: Bree, how lovely to see you. Bree: Cram it, Phyllis. Orson: You got a lot of nerve stealing Danielle from a convent we prepaid for. Danielle: She didn't steal me. I'm a mature person capable of making my own decisions. Bree: Well, good. You can decide to pack, because we are taking you back to the convent. Danielle: Mnh-mnh. I'm turning 18 this weekend, so you can't boss me around anymore. I'm staying with grandma, and I'm gonna have my baby delivered here. Phyllis: We have an excellent medical staff. Orson: It's a retirement village. All these doctors know how to deliver is bad news. Danielle: I don't care. I'm staying, and I'm gonna raise the baby here, too. Bree: What? Phyllis: Entirely her idea. Danielle: A baby is god's most precious gift. I will not have mine raised by a cold, emotionally unavailable woman like you. Bree: "Emotionally unavailable." Gosh, I wonder where she picked up that little phrase. Orson: Hmm. Danielle: Like I'm too dumb to think of it myself? You're always mean to me, just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you're not gonna emasculate me. Bree: You don't even know what that means, you petulant sock puppet! Danielle: Who cares? I'm going to the store. Bree: Buy a dictionary. Phyllis: So that's all settled. Would you like some iced tea? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes front yard] Bob: You aren't joining the lynch mob? Lynette: Uh, you mean Katherine 's homeowners thing? Yeah, I think I'll sit this one out. Lee: No, no, no. You can't do that. You've got to pick a side. Art or mindless conformity? Lynette: See, this is one of the upsides of having cancer. You get to excuse yourself from petty neighborhood squabbles. Bob: You won't think they're so petty when she comes after you. Lynette: Me? Why would she do that? Bob: Did the homeowners' association approve everything in your yard? The fence? That swing? The tree house? Lynette: I don't think Katherine will bother herself over a tree house. Lee: First, they came for the fountains, and I did not speak out because I had no fountain. Lynette: What? Lee: Then they came for the lawn gnomes, and I did not speak out because I had no gnome. Lynette: You're comparing Katherine to a Nazi? Lee: Then they came for my tree house, and there was no one left to speak out for me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: Thank you, ladies. I so appreciate your input, and I think we can all agree that the fountain has no place on our street. Ida: Yeah, we gotta show those gays we mean business. Susan: Ida, again, the issue is not Bob and Lee being gay. It's the fountain. Ida: Well, can't it be both?
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Katherine: Anyway...If you elect me president, my first act will be to eliminate this so-called work of art. Susan: Hear, hear. Katherine: Yes, Lynette. Lynette: After you get rid of this fountain, that's it, right? Katherine: I don't follow. Lynette: I mean... You're not gonna start checking everyone's yards for things that don't fit in? Katherine: Oh, of course not. As long as those things meet the association's guidelines. Lynette: Uh-huh. And what if they don't? Katherine: Are you referring to something in particular? Lynette: My kids' tree house. Can you promise you'll leave it alone? Katherine: Well, it's not up to me. That's the whole point. There are rules. Lynette: That sounds like a no. Katherine: If I make an exception for you, then I have to make one for everyone, and surely, you realize that the whole neighborhood can't revolve around your little tree house. Now since I am running unopposed, I just need someone to second my nomination. Oh! Thank you, Lynette. Lynette: No, actually, I'm nominating myself. I am now running for president...against you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: You know, running for president in your condition? I don't think it's a good idea. Lynette: Tom, I don't want your opinion, just your vote. Tom: If you want to save the tree house, why don't you let me run instead? Lynette: Because you'd never win. Bossy women rule this street. You know that. Tom: I know one rules my life. Lynette: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Tom: Nothing. Lynette: Look, this is not just about a tree house or a fountain. This is about what kind of neighborhood we want to live in. Do we get to make our own choices, or do we let the taste police make them for us? Tom: Ah, now I get it. This is about you wanting to take on Katherine. Lynette: No! This is about personal freedom--Specifically, my personal freedom to take down that jackbooted hausfrau. Tom: Honey, if you're looking for something to fight, how about your cancer? Lynette: Hey, a tumor is a tumor whether it's in your body or living across the street. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel room] Carlos: I don't know why you buy those things. They just end up on the floor. Gabrielle: Because I want to feel pretty and feminine. Ooh! My chili cheese fries! Just a second! John: Gabrielle? It's me-- John. Carlos: John? John who? Gabrielle: Uh, okay. You know that old friend I ran into in the lobby? It might have been John Rowland. Maybe. I'm not sure. John: Gabrielle? Gabrielle: But just to be safe, you may wanna hide in the closet. Carlos: What? I'm not hiding from that guy. Gabrielle: Really? Because his father-in-law goes hunting with Victor --You know, the guy who hired someone to tail us and possibly kill us? Carlos:Okay.
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Gabrielle: John, what are you doing here? John: When I ran into you last fall, you wanted to start up our affair again, and I wasn't ready. Well, I'm ready. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[walkway-night] Lynette: Hey. Listen, I promised Tom I wouldn't knock myself out campaigning for this homeowners thing, so I was hoping you could help me--You know, ring some bells, talk me up, that sort of thing? Susan: I would love to, but... Lynette: But what? Susan: This is awkward. Uh, I told Katherine I'd vote for her. Lynette: You're picking her over me? Susan: Uh, it's not like I'm pro- Katherine. I'm just anti-fountain. Oh, don't give me that look. I made her a promise. Lynette: Yes, but that was before your best friend threw her scarf in the ring. Susan: Okay. If I vote for you, do you promise to get rid of that fountain? Lynette: See, that's awkward for me. This is about personal freedom. You know? I'm running as a libertarian. Susan: Well, I'm voting as a light sleeper. It's right outside our bedroom window. Seriously, Lynette, it's like living next to splash mountain. Lynette: But it's my kids' tree house. They really need it. Susan: Well, we need our sleep. Lynette: Why don't you get earplugs? Susan: Why don't you get... tree house plugs? Lynette: What? That doesn't even make sense. Susan: Yeah, I'm sorry. You know, tired people aren't witty. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel room] Gabrielle: Seriously, John, you have got to get out of here. John: No. Please. I need to be with you. Gabrielle: What about your wife? John: You met her. She's dumb, demanding, totally self-centered, especially in bed. I mean, she's awful. Gabrielle: Awfully pregnant. John: I know. I-I'm completely trapped, just like you were with Mr. Solis. Gabrielle: I-I wasn't "trapped." John: What do you mean? All you'd ever talk about was what a selfish pig he was. Gabrielle: Well, I think you're paraphrasing. Okay, seriously, you have to go. John: Come on. You know it would be hot, just like old times. Remember how great our sex was? Gabrielle: Oh, I don't think we need to get into that. John: What about the time we were doing it in the shower? Mr. Solis drove up? Gabrielle: Uh, does not ring a bell. John: Come on. And I hid in the closet? And you looked so hot, Mr. Solis pulled you down on the bed. And you had to fake an orgasm just so he wouldn't catch on. Gabrielle: Yeah, good times. Anyways, uh, that's a negatory on the affair... John: What? Gabrielle: And I will see you later. John: Come on, but we're so good together. Gab-Gabrielle: Please!
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Gabrielle: Boy, that was a close one, huh? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Hotel room] Carlos: You faked it with me while that wax job was hiding in the closet? Gabrielle: Yes, I had an affair. Old news. Move on. Where's that room service? Carlos: So you're not gonna apologize for humiliating me in my own bed? Gabrielle: You deserved it. All you cared about back then was work. Carlos: Hey, I was not that bad of a husband, and somebody had to support your Italian shoe addiction. Gabrielle: I shopped because I was bored and lonely--Same reason I had an affair. Carlos: Yeah, with our teenage gardener! I should have snapped that kid's neck two years ago. Gabrielle: Oh, let it go! John Rowland didn't do anything to you that you're not doing to Victor. Carlos: You can't even compare the two! It's completely different! Gabrielle: Is it, Mr. Man in the closet? Yeah, you heard me. Who's John Rowland now? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lynette: Katherine, what are you up to? Katherine: Just visiting a friend. Lynette: Liar. You're campaigning. Cookies--nice touch. Katherine: Ditto on the scarf. Katherine: Edie, you got a moment? I am running for president of the homeowners' association, and I want to talk to you about that horrible fountain. Edie: Screw the fountain. You want my support? Make Ida Greenberg ditch that screen door. That rusty, old tetanus bucket... Lynette: Looks fine to me. It's hardly ripped at all. In fact, if you give me your support... Katherine: I'll make Mrs. Burkette prune those roses. It's a garden, not a jungle, and you shouldn't have to... Lynette: Pay for a fence you don't even want. That's not how you make good neighbors, and I don't care if... Katherine: The Mustafas don't celebrate Christmas. You're asking them to hang a few lights, not convert. When I'm president, I promise... Lynette: You can keep that satellite dish. In fact, this is practically a first amendment issue. The way I see it... Katherine: The entire neighborhood should be a testament to symmetry and beauty. So... Lynette: Have I got your vote? Mrs. McCluskey: Um, I'm not sure yet. Keep rubbing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Bree, I know you're upset, but you've got to eat. Bree: I'm just so mad at myself. I should have realized that the maternal instinct is so strong, that even Danielle would develop it. Andrew: Huh! Bree: What's so funny? Andrew: You know those animals who eat their young? Even they have more maternal instinct than Danielle. Bree: Then why would she want the child? Andrew: You've known her how long, and you still haven't figured out how that lentil she calls a brain works? Orson: There's no need to insult your sister. Bree: Let him talk. Andrew: All right, Danielle cares about three things--Danielle, fun, and, uh...wait. I was wrong. It's just two. Bree: And a retirement village is fun? Andrew: Compared to what you're offering her--a crappy job and community college. I mean, you think
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grandma's gonna make her do any of that? Orson: So Danielle 's only doing this because Phyllis is offering her a cushy life? Andrew: Yeah. If you want that baby, you're gonna have to outbid grandma. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Johns house] John: What are you doing here? Carlos: Hi, John. I wanted to talk to you. It'll be very friendly. No hitting. John: What's up? Carlos: This is gonna sound weird, but, uh, I've been doing some thinking lately, and, well, I've decided that it's time for me to forgive you. For sleeping with my wife. John: Yeah, well, I didn't just sleep with Gaby. I fell in love with her. Carlos: I forgive you for that, too. John: Why are you doing this? You in some kind of 12-step program? Carlos: Let's just say I've recently learned how loving someone makes you forget the difference between right and wrong. Anyway, that's pretty much it. I should go. John: Do you still talk to Gabrielle? Carlos: Occasionally. Why? John: I just want to know if she was happy. Carlos: I think she is. John: Well...good for her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mrs. McCluskey: All right, before we vote, are there any more questions for the candidates? Anybody besides Lee? Lee: It's not a question. I just want to remind everyone that a vote for Katherine is a vote for fascism. Ida: What is it with you gay people and clothes? Lynette: Fascism, Ida, not fashion. Bob: Although if you ever do want to talk fashion, we're here for you. Mrs. McCluskey: All right, debate's over. Let's kick this pig. All in favor of Lynette? Okay, and those for Katherine? That's 14 for Lynette and 14 for Katherine. Tom: So what do we do? It's a tie. Edie: No, it's not. Susan voted twice. Susan: Did I? Well, that's obviously wrong. Mrs. McCluskey: You only get one vote, sweet cheeks. Who's it gonna be? Katherine: Susan, we're waiting. Lynette: It's up to you, hon. Susan: Katherine. Mrs. McCluskey: Okay, it's official. Katherine is our new president. Katherine: Thank you. Thank you, everyone, and I promise to do my best for this neighborhood. And, Bob, Lee, Mr. Mustafa, I'll be in touch regarding your various infractions. And you, too, Lynette. Meeting adjourned. Neighbor: I know. Well, I'm not surprised. Susan: (lip-language) Im sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Retirement Village-Swimming pool] Bree: You know, Phyllis, we cannot thank you enough for accepting our apology. Phyllis: Well, I think we should try to stay on good terms for Danielle's sake. I'm glad you suggested that we
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eat out here. I never think to do this. Bree: Oh, darn, I forgot the napkins. Phyllis: Oh, no problem. I'll go get some. Orson: So now that we have a moment alone, your mother and I would like to say how proud we are of you. Danielle: Yeah, right. Bree: Seriously, we hadn't realized you'd matured enough to take on the burden of motherhood all by yourself. Danielle: Well, grandma's gonna help. Bree: She'll do what she can, but you mustn't overtax her. Her heart is not very strong. Danielle: She seems fine to me. Orson: Well, knock wood. We'd hate to see you forced to take care of a baby and a sick old woman. Whoa! Mah-jongg. Don't see that much anymore. Bree: Danielle, you should introduce yourself. These people are your new friends. Orson: Mm. And you're going to learn more from their experience and wisdom than you ever could have learned at that college in Florida. Danielle: Wait. I thought I couldn't go there. You said it was just a party school. Bree: Well, actually, we checked into the curriculum, and it's very strong, but no matter. You're be happier here. Orson: Yes, and with a grandmother's unconditional love, who needs frat boys who only like you for your convertible? Danielle: Whoa. When did I get a convertible? Bree: Well, we were gonna surprise you with one for your birthday, but since you're keeping the baby, you'll want a more practical gift. Orson: We're thinking a diaper service. Bree: Oh, look, they have water aerobics. You should sign up. Danielle: You know, maybe I should go to college. I mean, for the baby's sake. How can I support it without a degree? Bree: But you can't raise this child in a Miami dorm room. You'll need to leave it with someone you can trust to take care of it properly. Phyllis: Sorry. The elevator's out. I... Oh. I have to catch my breath. Danielle: Grandma? We need to talk. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Adam: What's this? Katherine: I thought we might toast my victory. Adam: I'm kind of in the middle of something here. Katherine: So... You haven't congratulated me yet. Adam: I know. Katherine: Would you like to tell me what's bothering you? Adam: I just want you to think about what you've been doing for the past few days. You've mounted a crusade against a metal thing that shoots out water. Katherine: I'm trying to keep the neighborhood beautiful. I love this street. Adam: Yeah, you keep saying that--how happy you used to be here, but ever since we've moved back, all I've seen is an unhappy woman who needs to control everything. Katherine: We've both learned what happens when you lose control. Adam: Oh. Chicago again. Tell you something else we learned there. When the chips are down, it helps to
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have friends. And you certainly haven't made us any lately. Congratulations. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Retirement Village] Danielle: Bye, grandma. Phyllis: Good-bye, dear. Bree: Tell your stepfather I'll be right out. Bree: Oh, please, Phyllis. Even you have to agree that a girl who'd trade her baby for a convertible isn't ready for motherhood. Phyllis: She'd have changed once the baby came. She's her father's daughter. Bree: That's a nice picture of Rex. Phyllis: Oh, I have a lot of pictures. All of the women here do. They're what we have left of the things time has taken from us...youth, homes and husbands...and for the unluckiest, children. I thought I was getting back a part of Rex. But now... Bree: I know you're lonely, Phyllis, but I can't give up this child just to make you feel better. Phyllis: You should go. Your family's waiting for you. Bree: Orson and I go to our club almost every Saturday night, if you're... interested in babysitting. Phyllis: You mean it? How will you explain me to your friends? Bree: I'll say that you're broke and needed the money. Phyllis: Can't you just say that you like having me around? Bree: I need something that will fly, Phyllis. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Hey. What's going on? Carlos: We need to talk. So here's the deal. I think it's time for us to do the right thing. I don't think I like where this is going. We have to end this affair. Gabrielle: You serious? Carlos: All this...sneaking around, wearing disguises, hiding in closets-- it's just wrong. We're better than this. Gabrielle: So what are you suggesting, we stay with Victor and Edie? Carlos: No, we break up with them. Look, it'll hurt, but at least it's honest. And then when enough time has gone by and they've moved on, we can be together. Gabrielle: How long are we talking about? Carlos: I don't know. Six months? Gabrielle: Six months? Nobody takes that long to heal anymore. It's a breakup, not a face-lift. Carlos: Hey, look, I want us to be together, too, but I also wanna feel good about it. Don't you? Gabrielle: Yeah. I do. You're such a good guy, Carlos. I really hate that about you. Carlos: I know. So... I guess this is it. Gabrielle: This kiss has to last six months. You better make it good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes front yard] Parker: His guy can fly. My guy freeze. Susan: Hey, Lynette. Lynette: Hey, Judas. Susan: Okay, fine. You're still angry, but I'm gonna make it up to you. When they come after that tree house, they're going to have one Susan Mayer chained to it. Lynette: Don't do that. I wanna be sad when they knock it down. Susan: Lynette!
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Lynette: What? You think you can just walk over here and cute your way out of what you did? We're supposed to be friends. Susan: Exactly, And friends don't put friends in this kind of position. I love you, but you can't ask me to put your kids ahead of my husband. Twin: No, Parker, that guy doesn't have freezing... Lynette: You're right. I shouldn't have done that. But that tree house is the one place my kids can go and not hear about body scans and white blood cell counts. It is their getaway from this horrible thing that I've brought into the house. Susan: "brought"? Sweetie, it's not your fault that you're sick. Lynette: I know that...Here. But here...It feels like I've ruined their childhood. Susan: Okay, if anybody needs me, I'll be at the hardware store buying chains. Lynette: Oh, jeez. Get over here. Katherine: Hello there! Lynette: Oh, look, it's our new queen-- Katherine of arrogant. Hey, where's the wrecking ball? Katherine: Actually, I came to tell you the tree house can stay. Susan: Oh, my god. That's great! Katherine: Yes. If anyone complains, we'll say it was grandfather died in under the previous administration. Lynette: Thanks. Why? Katherine: Clearly, it means a lot to you, and I wanna be a good neighbor. Lynette: Katherine. What's with you? Sometimes you act like an ice queen, and then you do something really nice. You are one complicated lady. Katherine: Well, I've had one complicated life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Investigators room] Edie: I've had a lot of men in my life, but I never let myself fall in love before. I thought it was because I didn't wanna get hurt, but...now I know the pain you feel isn't the worst part. It's the hate. Investigator: Could you make it out to "cash"? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lee and Bobs house] Bob: Hello, Katherine. You here about the fountain? Katherine: Yes, but don't worry. There's no strict deadline. You can... have it removed at your earliest convenience. Bob: Yeah, I don't think it's going anywhere. Katherine: Oh, boys, boys, the war's over. Lee: Yes, it is. We know all about Chicago. Katherine: Come again? Bob: My ex is on the board of Chicago Memorial Hospital. Lee: Seems your husband made quite a stir there--Whole hospital still buzzing about what he did. Katherine: Whatever you heard is a vicious lie--every word of it. Bob: Still, it was enough to... make you leave town, which begs the question, do you like living here? Lee: Oh, good. We're in agreement. The fountain stays. Bob: Thanks for stopping by, Katherine. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It's the same for all of us. We try not to get too close to the people who live next door. It's easier to give them a polite nod than to ask what's wrong. It's safer to keep walking by than to get involved.
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Tammy: ...you right now. John: Okay, I don't wanna work... Mary Alice Voiceover: True, we sometimes do get to know the people we share a fence with and end up lifelong friends. Susan: Thanks for everything. Thank you. Mary Alice Voiceover: But mostly, we keep our distance because we'd rather our neighbors know nothing about us...than know too much. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X06 Now I Know, Dont Be Scared -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Danielle came back home. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette was afraid for her children... Lynette: It feels like I've ruined their childhood. Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine's past... Lee: We know all about Chicago. Mary Alice Voiceover:came back to haunt her. Lee: Oh, good. We're in agreement. The fountain stays. Mary Alice Voiceover: Edie made threats... Edie: If the I.R.S. gets wind of your rainy day fund, they could make me testify against you. Mary Alice Voiceover: But evasive action was taken. Carlos: I want us to be together, too, but I also wanna feel good about it. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Gaby and Carlos ended their affair...too late. Investigator: Could you make it out to "cash"? -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: As a little girl, Edie Britt was afraid of many things, and all the little boys in her neighborhood knew this. So they would wait for her with rubber snakes and croaking frogs...and plastic spiders, hoping to make Edie scream. But once she was a big girl, Edie Britt was afraid of only one thing...that her lover might leave her for someone else, and Carlos Solis knew this. So when he decided to go, he tried to do it quickly... Edie: What the hell is this? Mary Alice Voiceover: Mostly to avoid her screaming. Carlos: It just hasn't been working for a long, long time. Edie: That's a lie. We were happy. Carlos: Come on. Let's not argue. I want us to end this as friends. Edie: I bet you do, given all I know about your finances. Carlos: That's true. You know some of my secrets, but I'm betting you still care enough about me to keep them. Edie: All right. I won't say anything to anyone about your money in the Grand Caymans on one condition...You have to tell me the truth about why you're leaving. Carlos: The truth?
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Edie: Is there someone else? Carlos: No. Edie: Thank you, Carlos. You made this a lot easier. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Edie Britt had been forced to face her worst fear, and she now felt it was only fair... Edie: Um, I know a guy who's got millions in a offshore bank account. Who would I talk to about that? Mary Alice Voiceover:that Carlos should face his. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, it was that time of year. Halloween had come once again to Wisteria Lane, and no one was more determined to celebrate its arrival than the gay couple who had just moved in. Bob: So which of the neighbors should we invite first? Lee: What does it Matter? They all hate us. Bob: Oh, Lee, that's not true. They hate you. I'm the butch one they can feel comfortable around. Lee: You keep telling yourself that. Bob: Let's start with Bree. She's got a gay son. I bet she's homo-friendly. Lee: Why? My mother has one, and she's not. Bob: Hi. Bree: Hello. Bob: We're just dropping by to let you know we're having a Halloween party. We'd love for you to come. Bree: Oh, well, thank you. Orson and I would be delighted. Lee: Well, you can bring your whole family if you like. Is that your daughter? Bree: Uh, no, my daughter is in Switzerland, at boarding school. Bob: Who was that? Bree: My son...trying on his costume. He's going to be Cher this year. Lee: Okay, he's definitely invited. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: How many times have I told you to stay away from the windows? Danielle: I'm bored. You won't let me go outside. Can't I at least look? Andrew: What's that? Bree: Oh, we've been invited to Bob and Lee 's for Halloween. Danielle: A costume party. Cool. Can I go? Bree: Are you insane? Danielle: It's Halloween. I'll go as a pumpkin. Bree: You are due in three weeks. Until then, no windows and no parties. Andrew: So... This is gonna be fun. Will you help me with a costume? Bree: Sure! How familiar are you with pop icons from the '70s? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: (on phone) Victor, it's me. I got your message. I've gotta be honest, I'm very annoyed that you're not coming home today like you promised. I told you I have something very important to tell you, and I wanted to do it in person, but now you're gonna be home for another week, and I can't wait. Victor, I'm leaving you. I... can't believe I'm ending my marriage on a hotel voice mail. This is very tacky. You're forcing me to be tacky, Victor. I am not a tacky person. I am very, very classy. Oh! Hang on one second. Gabrielle: (on phone) Hello? Hey, Carlos. Yeah, I can't talk right now. I'm breaking up with Victor. No, he's not
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here. He's in Washington. Yeah, okay, I'll explain later. Gabrielle: (on phone) Sorry about that, Victor. Uh, anyway, it's over. Uh, we both know it wasn't working. Uh, good luck on everything, and you don't have to call me back. Okay, bye-bye. -----------------------------------------------------------[Counseling Room] Susan: I was surprised that my doctor suggested genetic counseling. I didn't have to do that with my last baby. Michelle: Well, you were 26 when you had your last child. Now you're... Mike: Careful. Michelle:old enough to benefit from this particular branch of medicine. Susan: Nice save. Now can we just skip to the part where you tell me what's wrong with my baby? Michelle: Well, we don't know if anything's wrong. See, we're just going over your family medical history just... just to be on the safe side. Susan: Okay. My aunt Ella has arthritis. I have two cousins with webbed feet, And there's a whole lot of third nipples on my dad's side. Mike: Apparently, I married into carny folk. Michelle: Okay, Mike, what about your family? Mike: Everybody's pretty healthy. Uh, my grandmother has epilepsy. My father had high blood pressure, but he's on medication, so it's fine now. Susan: What do you mean, "it's fine now"? He's dead. Mike: No, he's not. What makes you think that? Susan: 'Cause that's what you told me when we first started dating. Mike: Oh. Well, I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. Susan: It wasn't an impression. You said those words..."my father's dead." Mike: It's... complicated. Susan: How can it be complicated? He's either dead or alive. Does it sound complicated to you, Michelle? Mike: Wow, I'm sorry. I-I've got an emergency plumbing call. I'm gonna have to do this later. Uh, don't wait up. Michelle: Okay, so, um, Mike 's grandmother is epileptic? Susan: Yeah. But apparently, his dad can rise from the dead. So let's hope the baby gets that gene. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes yard] Stella: Hey. How'd the P.E.T. Scan go? Tom: She was a real trouper 20 minutes inside that tube, she didn't complain once. Stella: In a couple of days, we'll know if you beat this son of a bi*ch. Tom: Hey, Dr. Rushton is very optimistic. Stella: Fantastic. He's the best. Tom: Hey, what do you say I ditch work, And I take you to that...Thai place for lunch? Lynette? Lynette: Is that a hole? Tom: What? Lynette: In the garden there. Has something been digging in there? Stella: Oh, it might be a possum. Ahem. I-I saw one the other day. Lynette: You saw a possum, and you didn't tell me? Stella: Didn't know it was front-page news. Lynette: Well, we gotta do something about this. Tom: And we will, so do you want to bring the kids, or would you prefer a, uh, gloriously romantic lunch with just me?
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Lynette: I can't eat right now, Tom. I've got to go to the garden center and get some fencing. God, this is annoying! Can't believe you didn't tell me we have a possum! -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Oh, you're, um, you're up. I was just gonna try not to wake you. Susan: Did you really think I was gonna let you crawl in bed next to me without an explanation for your bizarre behavior? Mike: Well, what good's a dream if it's not a little unrealistic? Susan: I don't care what the issues are. You don't deny your own dad's existence. Mike: My father's in prison for murder. So can you see why I might have wanted to lie about him on a first date? Susan: Oh, my god. He's in jail for murder? Mike: Yeah. He's doing life without parole. Susan: Do you see him? I mean, do you have a relationship with him? Mike: Uh, I visit a few times a year. Susan: Well, I've got to meet him. Mike: No, I don't think that's such a good idea. Susan: Well, he's your father. I should know him, and besides, that genetic counselor said we should gather data about your family's history. Maybe you dad knows something you don't. I mean, I should meet him for the sake of our baby. Mike: Well, yeah. Fine. We'll go see him. Susan: Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Parker: Mom! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone. Lynette: Great. Here. Grab this. Parker: What's this stuff for? Lynette: You know that possum that's been ruining our garden? Parker: Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles. Lynette: Don't give him a name. He's not gonna be around much longer. Parker: You're not gonna hurt him, are you? Lynette: Honey, I put up a fence, and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures, and there's only one way to stop 'em. Parker: So you're gonna kill him? Lynette: Sweetie, let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick? Parker: Scruffles. Lynette: Okay, we're done talking here. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Danielle: You're sending me back to the convent? Bree: Well, you certainly don't seem happy here, and I thought maybe you were missing the nuns and the other girls. Danielle: Oh, whoopee. Knocked-up sluts and celibate freaks. Start the party. Whatever. I don't care. I just want this thing out of me. Bree: You know, Danielle, I just want you to be aware that giving up this baby might be harder than you think.
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Danielle: It won't be a problem. Trust me. Bree: Well, you say that now, but once you've held your child and felt that rush of love, wellit can change you. Danielle: Please. I hate this baby. What has it done but make me fat and ruin an entire year of my life? Bree: I'm just saying, if I were you, I might be feeling... Danielle: Stop. Who says I have to feel the same things you'd feel? I'm nothing like you. Bree: You always say that like it's something to be proud of, but the day I see even a glimmer of myself in you is the day that I realize you've finally started... to grow up. Danielle: Well, don't hold your breath. No, on second thought, do. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Milton: Hello, Gabrielle. Gabrielle: Milton... You scared me. I thought you were in Washington with Victor. Milton: I was. I got to the messages first. Oh. You can't leave him, Gabrielle. Gabrielle: Well, if he really wanted me to stay, he would've come here himself, instead of siccing daddy on me. Milton: Oh, Victor hasn't heard the message. I erased it. Gabrielle: Oh, great. Now I have to break up with him all over again. Milton: You know, there's a lot of talk about Victor running for governor. A divorce on the eve of a campaign could be...quite damaging. Gabrielle: And you flew all the way here to twist my arm? Milton: No, I had something a little more subtle in mind. Gabrielle: Milton, there is no amount of money that is... wow! Milton: Yeah. You start tacking on those zeros, it gets hard to stop. Gabrielle: Hold on. This check is dated for next year. Milton: Exactly. If you want this money, you're gonna have to stay married to my son for the next 13 months. Gabrielle: And isn't there an election around that time? Milton: My son is destined for greatness. He will be governor. He could be president. Gabrielle: And you're going to make sure he goes straight to the top, aren't you? Milton: Sometimes greatness needs a little nudge. -----------------------------------------------------------[IRS Office] Edie: What do you mean, there's nothing there? IRS agent: I'm sorry, Ms. Britt. I checked the number you gave me three times. That offshore account simply doesn't exist. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Edie: Where is that $10 million? Carlos: What $10 million? Edie: Give it a rest, Carlos. You moved that money. Carlos: First of all, I deny having any illegal money, let alone moving it. Edie: Why are you talking like that? Carlos: I don't know. I thought you might be wearing a wire. Edie: You're paranoid. You know that? Carlos: Well, don't I have reason to be? And why would you care where the money is, unless you were planning on using it against me?
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Edie: Oh, god. You think you are so clever. Well, you're not. In fact, you... you are the stupidest man I've ever met. You have no clue who you're dealing with, but believe me, you're gonna pay for what you've done to me, Carlos. This game is not over. Carlos: Actually, it kinda is, and if you hadn't noticed...I won. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees front yard] Lynette: Bree. Bree: Lynette, I was just thinking about you. Did you get your test results yet? Lynette: Huh? Oh, the P.E.T. Scan. No, not till Tomorrow. Listen, I need your help. There's a possum in my garden. Bree: Ugh! I hate possums. Lynette: Not as much as me. I put out poison, but it ate around it. I got one of those humane traps, but all I trapped was Penny. Bree: How can I help? Lynette: I want a gun. Bree: Really? I thought you were one of those liberal gun haters. Lynette: That was the old Lynette. The new Lynette kills the possums and lets god sort 'em out. Bree: Well, unfortunately, our bleeding-heart town council forbids us from using live ammo in our own backyards. Lynette: Wusses! Bree: I suggest you get an air rifle. It won't kill it, but it'll sting it enough to keep it away for good. Lynette: Perfect. Where can I get one? Bree: Try, um, gun city on Route 6 by the Baptist church. Tell them I sent ya, And they'll give you a nice discount. Lynette: Great. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: What's so urgent? Gabrielle: Can't say hello to a girl? Carlos: Gaby, we had a deal. We weren't gonna see each other for six months. Gabrielle: Oh, uh, yeah, about that...what if we make it 13? Okay, no, just go with me on this. What I'm about to propose will give us total financial freedom and... help a conniving billionaire's dream come true. Carlos: Whoa. What's this for? Gabrielle: Milton Lang doesn't want me to leave Victor until after he runs for governor. Once the election's over, ka-ching! Carlos: So basically, you're taking money to sleep with a man you don't love. Gee, if that were a job, what would you call it? Gabrielle: I don't have to sleep with him, just stay with him for political reasons. It's basically a modeling fee for a 13-month photo op. Carlos: Absolutely not. Gabrielle: Carlos, you're not working right now, and you know we'll never be happy if we're broke. We need this. Carlos: What if we didn't? What if I had some money stashed away? Okay, remember a few years ago when I was in business with Tanaka? I was always afraid that he was gonna double-cross me. Gabrielle: Which he did. Carlos: But before he did, I skimmed a little off the top.
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Gabrielle: How much is "a little"? Carlos: $10 million. Gabrielle: You embezzled $10 million? Carlos: Actually, now it's only about $9.5. It cost me half a mil to hide it from the government and certain other people. Gabrielle: Mm. Oh, wait, wait, wait. If this is Tanaka money, then you had it when we were married? Carlos: Okay, I can sense where you're going with this. Gabrielle: Which also means you had it when we got divorced. Carlos: Look, if I had told you about it, you'd have taken me to the cleaners. Gabrielle: Carlos, we were married. I was entitled to half of everything you embezzled. Carlos: Look, we're back together now. What does it matter? Gabrielle: Well, it matters that you lied to me. I can't trust you. Carlos: Gaby! Gabrielle: If I can't trust you, I don't think I can be with you. Carlos: Oh, come on! Gabrielle: No, I'm serious. After everything I have been through? No! No, get out! Carlos: Gaby, you should be happy right now. I have millions of dollars, and I want you to be with me. Gabrielle: Oh, so you want me to sleep with you and take your money. Gee, if that were a job, what would they call it? -----------------------------------------------------------[Prison-Visiting room]] Nick: Thanks, kid. Bear claw? Susan: Uh, no. Thank you, Nick. Nick: So, uh, Mike said you had some medical questions for me? Susan: Um, yes, the, uh, genetic counselor, um, wanted to know a couple of things. Um, I-is there any cancer in your family? Nick: No. Susan: Great. Uh, diabetes? Nick: (shake head) Susan: Wonderful. Who did you kill? Nick: Couldn't have covered this in the car? Mike: I thought she should hear it from you. Nick: I killed my boss. Susan: Uh-huh. Okay. Nick: He wasn't my boss when I met him. He was just another guy on the loading dock, like me. A supervisor's job came up, and, uh, we were both angling for it. And then Arnie... that was his name...He went to the head of the company and told him some lies about me, and he got the job. Susan: So you killed him? Nick: No. I stewed about it for a few weeks. I'd see Arnie walking around with that smirk, and, uh, and that tie, and I thought to myself, "you know, Arnie, you don't deserve that job. You don't deserve that tie, and you don't deserve to live." Susan: So you killed him? Nick: No. I confronted him. I said, "Arnie, what you did wasn't right." He just laughed in my face and said, uh, "what are you gonna do about it?" Then I killed him. Susan: Uh, and how did you... Nick: With the tie. I thought it was a nice touch.
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Mike: Well, now you know. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lee and Bobs house] Bob: Hey, Adam, Katherine. Or should I say Frankenstein and... Marie Antoinette? Adam: Nice. Lee: You came as a self-important queen who lost all her power. Isn't that a bit on the nose? Katherine Lee making jokes about a queen. Isn't that a bit ironic? Julie: You two look adorable. And who are you supposed to be? Bree: Cher, the beloved pop diva. Andrew: It was my mom's idea. You know, the woman who freaked when she found out I was gay? Julie: Oh, my god. Is that Danielle? Bree: I expressly forbade her from coming tonight. Who does she think she is? Orson: Apparently, you. Julie: Danielle, you're back! Danielle: I'm not Danielle. I am Bree Van De Kamp Hodge. Oh, no, no, no. No hugs, please. I'm uncomfortable with needless displays of emotion. Julie: Your costume looks great. It's so real. Ooh! I could swear I felt a kick. Danielle: You stop that, baby Hodge. We do not kick people, unless they're servants. Julie: Why didn't you tell me she was home? Bree: Oh, it's just a quick visit. She's driving back Tomorrow. Julie: To Switzerland? Bree: Let's go get some cake, dear. Orson: What do you think you're doing? Danielle: Exactly what my mother wants. You did say to be more like you, right? Bree: That's not what I meant, and you know it, and as for your little imitation of me, I don't sound anything like that. Mrs McClukey: Danielle? Who are you supposed to be? Danielle: Really, Karen, I don't think our lord is amused when we make light of witchcraft, and you might use a coaster. Mrs McClukey: Oh, I get it. She's you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Motel] Susan: I just don't see how he could not feel bad about it. Mike: I don't want to talk about this anymore. Susan:You know, I expected to meet a guy that was racked with remorse, and instead, I'm looking across the table at this... Mike: Person. He's a person. Susan: Yeah, an evil person. Mike: No, he's a good guy who did an evil thing. There's a difference. Susan: Well, I don't see one. Mike: Look, he snapped. It happens. People snap. I did. I killed a guy. Susan: You killed a crooked cop who was coming after you. That's self-defense, and even so, you regret it, right? Mike: Yes, of course. Susan: Well, that's my point. When good people snap, they feel bad about it. Your dad doesn't. Mike: Susan, why are you getting so worked up over this?
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Susan: I don't know. It just bothers me. I mean... My god, Mike. He's your dad. Mike: Yeah, I know, and this conversation is exactly why I told you he was dead. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes yard] Tom: Lynette! Honey, are you out here? Lynette: Shh! Tom: Is that for the possum? Lynette: Yeah. Now he's playing mind games with me, but I laid out some Halloween candy. Pretty soon he'll get hungry, and when he does...Trick or treat. Tom: Lynette... Lynette: Shh! Do you hear that? He's making his move. Tom: Lynette, I think you should come inside and lie down for a little while. Lynette: No way. He's here, Tom. I can tell. Tom: Okay, now... now you're scaring me. Lynette: Why? Tom: Look at yourself. You've... you've declared jihad on a possum. Lynette: This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home, and when that happens, you don't just stand by... you fight it. Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us. It will not defeat me. Tom: Okay. You do what you need to do. Lynette: Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lee and Bobs house] Andrew: So, Bree, have you, uh, picked a name for the baby yet? Danielle: Not yet, but I'm thinking "you're not good enough" if it's a boy, and "you'll always disappoint me" if it's a girl. Bree: Okay, you made your point. Now go home. Danielle: Are you kidding me? This is the most fun I've had in eight months. Bree: Do not test me, young lady, or I will drag you out of here myself. Danielle: You make a scene? Ha! That's a laugh. Bree: What's wrong? Danielle: I think my water just broke. Bree: Oh, dear heavenly lord. Bob: Hey. What happened to my rug? Bree: Danielle! We agreed to save that till the end of the night. The best part of the costume, and she pops the water balloon when people aren't even looking. Orson! Andrew! -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Orson: Think we can make it to the hospital? Danielle: I don't think so! It's coming. Bree: Okay, everybody, in the house now. [Inside Brees house] Bree: Not on the couch. I just had it reupholstered. Orson: Andrew, take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels. Boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine. I'm a doctor. Bree: You're a dentist! What if there are complications?
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Orson: Should an emergency arise, we will simply call an amulet. Bree: A what? Orson: Ambulance. Bree: How many rum punches did you have? Orson: There was punch in that rum? Bree: I am going back to get Adam. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lee and Bobs house] Adam: Bree. Bree, what's wrong? Bree: I need your services as a doctor, but before I tell you what's going on, I need you to promise that what you're about to learnmwill be kept in strictest confidence. Adam: Does this have anything to do with the pregnancy you've been faking? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Adam: Okay, you're almost there. Orson: Danielle, you're doing great. Bree: Push, baby, push. Twin: Are they home? Parker: The lights are on. Adam: Here it comes! Parker: If they're not home, then what's that? Kayla: Probably just a tape they put on to scare us. Twin: Well, you know the rule. If we don't get our treat, they get a trick. All: Yeah. Twin: Come on. Adam: And... thank you. Okay. It's a beautiful baby boy. Bree: How are you feeling? Danielle: Tired. Did Adam leave? Bree: Uh, yeah, and he promised that no one would ever know what happened here tonight. Danielle: That's good, I guess. Is he okay? Bree: He's perfect. He's, um, he's all cleaned up now, If... if you want to hold him. Danielle: Yeah. He's so tiny. Bree: He looks just like you did. Do you want to be alone with him? Do you want me to...to go? What should I do? Danielle: You should take him. Bree: Are you sure? Sweetheart, do you feel like you're making a mistake? Danielle: No, it's...the right thing to do for everyone...especially him. But you're right. It's awful. I'm gonna sleep now. Bree: Okay, baby. It's okay, little one. Here we are. Here we go. Yes, here we go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: (on phone) Susan, hey, it's me. Um, sorry to leave this message on your machine, but can you tell the other girls I'm, uh, going to be by myself for a while? I... Just...going through some stuff and need to think.
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Um... oh, god, that's my car ready to take me to the airport, so I'll tell you everything when I get back. Okay? Love you. Bye. Gabrielle: This is nice. I didn't order a stretch, but I'll take it. Victor. Victor: I tried reaching you at the house, but the maid said you'd moved out. I took the next flight home. What's going on? Gabrielle: Well, I'm... sort of leaving you. Victor: Well, I guess "sort of" is better than "definitely." What do I have to do to make it "absolutely not"? I'll do anything. Just tell me. Gabrielle: Victor, it's not that simple. We have major problems, and you never have time to talk about them, let alone fix 'em. Victor: Well, I guess I better make some time. Let's see. Here's this weekend. Here's next week.nThe week after. Look at that. I've got a whole month. You busy? Gabrielle: Victor, I know you're only doing this because a divorce would hurt your run for governor. Victor: What if I don't run? Gabrielle: You mean that? Victor: The governor's mansion is my father's dream. You know what my dream is? You. Don't run away, Gaby...And if you do, please, take me with you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Prison] Nick: So... where's Mike? Susan: At the motel. I slipped out without waking him. I've been up all night thinking, and I have something to say to you. I don't believe you. I don't believe that you could kill a man and not regret it. Nick: Why do you care? Susan: Because I am carrying a baby that has your genes. If my doctor told me that there was something wrong with this baby...something physical, I could handle that. I would probably even love it more. But if my baby was born without a conscience, without a soul, I don't know what I would do. Nick: You think I don't have a soul? Susan: If you can't feel the tiniest bit of remorse over taking a human life...No, I don't think you do. Nick: If I were to think about what I did, really think about it, lay awake nights trying to remember the look on that guy's face when I strangled the life out of him...pretty soon, I'd go crazy. Susan: I should go. Nick: You know what I do regret? What I did to Mike. Susan: What did you do? Nick: He was a real popular kid. Everybody liked Mikey. Then when I got sent away, Suddenly the whole town just thinks of him as the son of a murderer. He got some pretty serious demons as a result. I'm not sure that kind of darkness ever truly goes away. Susan: Well, you're wrong. He's happy. He's got a good job and a wife who loves him and a baby on the way. Nick: I had a lot going for me, too, before I threw it all away. Just...keep on eye on him. -----------------------------------------------------------[Victors house] Victor: Edie, if you're looking for Gaby, she just left for her yoga class. Edie: Yoga... Is that what she told you? I'm sorry. I know how angry and humiliated you must feel. But don't take it all out on Gaby. Carlos seduced her. He hated you for taking his wife, so he decided to make a fool out of you. I think he deserves whatever's coming to him, don't you? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house]
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Stella: Hey! Hey! Hey, quiet. She's napping. Tom: Finally. How'd you get her to do that? Stella: Oh, I-I made her a margarita. The tequila did the rest. Tom: Hmm, it's Dr. Rushton. Stella: Her oncologist? Tom: Hey, Dr. Rushton. What... what are you doing here? Dr. Rushton: Well... So much of my job is delivering bad news, that I really wanted to tell you this in person. Lynette, I got the test results back. You're clean. Stella: Are you sure? Dr. Rushton: Yeah. Oh! Lymph nodes are completely clear. Congratulations. Stella: I knew it. I knew it! Tom: Did you hear that? Did you hear that? This is so amazing. I'm gonna go get the kids. Stella: Hey, doc, you look like you need a margarita. And even if you don't, I ain't drinking alone. [Yard] Lynette: I'm sorry. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There is much to be afraid of in this world, but what we fear has nothing to do with gruesome masks or plastic spiders or lifelike monsters. No, it's the thoughts in our head that terrify us the most... What if she comes to regret her decision? What if he really is unhappy? What if the chance for love has passed forever? How do we conquer these terrifying thoughts? We start by reminding ourselves what does not kill us...just makes us stronger. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X07 You Cant Judge a Book By its Cover -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Danielle had her baby......on Halloween. Dylan: You said my father didn't care about me. Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine revealed a secret. Katherine: I want you to imagine the worst thing that a father can do to his daughter. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette got great news. Dr. Rushton: I got the test results back. You're clean. Mary Alice Voiceover: While Mike tried to ease his pain, Victor... Victor: You know what my dream is? Mary Alice Voiceover:...reached out to Gaby. Victor: You. Don't run away, Gaby. But if you do, take me with you. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Edie got revenge. Edie: Don't take it all out on Gaby. Carlos decided to make a fool out of you. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
Mary Alice Voiceover: The thing you need to know about Victor Lang is that he was not above using deception. Whether it was an insincere promise to a campaign donor, or the artful evasion of a reporter's question, or an outright lie to his constituents, Victor did what he had to to get what he wanted. But thanks to some compromising photos, he learned that his wife knew a little something about deception as well. [Victors house] Gabrielle: (on phone) For the last time, Carlos, stop calling me. Carlos: (on phone) I told you, I just wanna talk. Gabrielle: And I told you it's over. Carlos: So what, you're just gonna go back to that chicken-lipped albino? Gabrielle: I don't know. I'm taking it one day at a time. But what I can say about Victor is he doesn't lie to me about how much money he's got. Carlos: Look, I said I was sorry. Gabrielle: (on phone) Oh, that's great. Yeah, well, I-I gotta go, Bree. Gabrielle: It's Bree. Victor: Okay, so I just informed my staff that I'm taking the next month off to give my wife the honeymoon she always wanted. Gabrielle: That's amazing. Where should we go? Victor: Well, I left some travel magazines in the bedroom. Why don't you go get 'em? Gabrielle: Oh! Gabrielle: Oh, my god, Victor. A month in Rio sounds like heaven, doesn't it? Victor: Oh, it does. Let's do it. Ooh! Hey, why don't we kick off our reconciliation with a little weekend on the boat? Gabrielle: That's so romantic. I love that. Victor: Huh? Just you and me, all alone, out in the middle of the ocean. Gabrielle: The girls are gonna be so jealous. Victor: Oh, no, no, no, let's not tell anyone we're going. It'll be our little secret. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Victor was not above using deception to get what he wanted, and what he wanted now was revenge. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The next day on Wisteria Lane began with a bit of deceit. Bree Hodge told her friends she had given birth in the middle of the night to a beautiful baby boy. And thanks to the healthy lungs of Benjamin Tyson Hodge, it didn't take long for Bree 's friends to engage in some deceit of their own. [Lynettes house] Susan: Well, he's just a little piece of heaven. Gabrielle: You're so blessed. Makes me wanna have another one myself. Bree: Orson, you better take Benjamin to the other room before my friends run out of lies. Ah. Lynette: No. Orson: They don't appreciate a healthy pair of lungs, that's all, huh? Bree: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Orson: Come on, Benjamin. Tom: Hey, Lynette, you tell everyone your news? Lynette: No. This is about the baby. Bree: Wait. Did you have that final scan? Susan: Did you hear something?
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Lynette: Well, the results are back, and while you can never actually say you're cured-Tom: She's cured! Gabrielle: Oh, my god! Susan: Oh, yeah! Lynette: I have to get checked every six months, but, yes, the doctor is very optimistic. Stella: Hey, what the hell is all this racket? Someone win the lotto? Lynette: Oh, I was just telling everybody the good news about my...cancer. Stan: Hey, congrats! I'm a survivor myself. Prostate. Ooh, muffins. Stella: Hey, show some class. Introduce yourself. Stan: Hi. I'm Stan. Tom: Is th--is that my robe? Stan: Yeah. Sorry, uh...if I knew when I walked into that card club last night that I would be going home with this lovely lady, I'd have packed me a change of clothes. Stella: Okay, I get it. We'll get out of your hair. Come on, handsome. Let's take a shower. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Mike, how long are you gonna be? We've gotta get this food over to Bree's before it gets cold. Mike: You know, Susan, I don't feel like going over there tonight. Can't you just drop it off? Susan: No, they just had a baby. We're gonna "ooh," we're gonna "ahh," and then we're gonna eat. Mike: But I'm tired. I worked all day. I got a job first thing in the morning. Susan: There's no way out of it, Mike. Just do what you need and downstairs. This is what we do in the suburbs. Mike: Ah, yes...the suburbs. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Susan: And how does Danielle like her baby brother? Bree: Oh, she adores him. She just felt terrible that she had to leave for school so soon. Orson: Speaking of which, we have some extra preschool applications if the two of you are interested. Mike: Isn't it a little early to be talking preschool? She just got pregnant. Our baby still looks like a sea horse. Susan: Oh, honey. You'd be surprised how fast the best schools fill up. And only the best for our kid, right? Bree: I'd start saving your pennies. Bonny Briar's up to $10,000 a year. Mike: 10,000 dollars...for used Legos and a potty chair? Bree: And you'd better apply now. Debbie Gottlieb had her baby the same day I did, and she could only get wait-listed at her first three choices. Oh, by the way, we were invited to her Bris this Saturday. Orson: Well, make an excuse for me. Bree: I thought you liked Debbie and Lou. Orson: Oh, I do. I just don't care to watch them ritually mutilate their child. More Moo Shu, please. Bree: Circumcision's not mutilation. It's a simple surgery meant to promote lifelong masculine hygiene. Orson: It's a, uh, traumatic procedure which reduces the male's capacity for sexual pleasure by desensitizing the tip of-Bree: We know what it is. Susan: Gee, I don't think I've ever heard such strong opinions on the subject. I mean, not that it's something I talk about a lot...or ever. Mike: I hope I didn't offend you. I haven't heard a word since "$10,000." Orson: It's just that I remember my own circumcision so vividly. Bree: Oh, that's ridiculous.
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Orson: My parents disagreed on this issue, too. My dad said no. So mother just bided her time until he finally left town on business. I was 5. She told me we were going for ice cream. Bree: That's why the procedure should be done on babies. They won't remember. Now can we please just drop this? Orson: Fine. Bree: So, Susan , you mentioned something about bringing dessert. What is it? Susan: Ice cream. Sorry. [Kitchen] Bree: Oh, so you found the chocolate sauce? Mike: Oh, uh, yeah, it's right here. Bree: Is everything okay? Mike: Oh, yeah. I was just taking a couple of aspirin. Bree: I hope Orson 's rant didn't give you a headache. Mike: Oh, no, I've just still got a little pain from my accident, that's all. Still? That was nearly two years ago. Mike: Well, it's just a twinge every now and then. Aspirin does the trick. -----------------------------------------------------------[Marina] Victor: No, no, no, no. I'll get that. Gabrielle: I thought you kept your boat at the yacht club. Victor: Yeah, I wanted to leave from here. This way, we avoid the congestion at the marina. Gabrielle: Where's the crew? Victor: There's no crew. I let 'em go. Gabrielle: What? Who's gonna bring us umbrella drinks and salute us when we walk by? Victor: Just consider me your one-man navy. Gabrielle: So you're gonna drive this thing by yourself? Victor: Well, you can help. Didn't that captain give you lessons last summer? Gabrielle: Oh, that's right--Those two boring hours I'll never get back. Victor: Well, the good news is this trip will be anything but boring. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Hey. Stella: Hi. Lynette: We need to talk about this Stan thing. Oh, is that his name? Stan? Stella: Uh, when he left, I just sort of said, "see ya." Lynette: Well, it got me thinking about how much you've had to put your life on hold these past few months. Stella: No big deal. Lynette: No, it was a big deal. You have taken amazing care of me. But I know you have so many things you wanna get back to. Stella: Mm, not really. Lynette: Come on. It must be driving you crazy living with five screaming kids underfoot. I don't blame you for wanting a little peace and quiet. You need to leave, mom. Stella: Okay. Okay, I-I know I shouldn't have brought...Stan into the house. And next time, I promise you we will do it in the car. Lynette: It's not just that. It's the smoking and the swearing and the teaching the kids how to make a whiskey sour.
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Stella: It's a science, Lynette. It's called mixology. Lynette: I just think it would work better for everyone if you got your own place. Stella: Okay. With what money? Lynette: You have money, right? I mean, you loaned us that $10,000. Stella: Yes, I did. Lynette: Wait a minute. That was all the money you had? Stella: You guys needed it, and I needed a place to stay. It seemed like it turned out pretty well for everybody. Lynette: What do you mean? I thought you were living with Lucy. Stella: Your sister kicked me out. Not to put too fine a point on it, Lynette, but your cancer couldn't have come at a better time. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Julie: Hey, I need your help with a school thing. Susan: Wow. You never ask for my help. Must be something easy. Julie: What do you know about Dylan 's dad? We've got this genealogy project for school, and she wants to find out about him. Susan: Maybe Dylan should ask her mom. Julie: She gets really weird talking about him. Why is that, by the way? Susan: Okay, don't tell anybody I told you this. Her mom said something at my party about her dad being abusive towards Katherine...and maybe Dylan, too. Julie: Oh. Susan: So I'm thinking that it would be better if you could get her to research somebody else in her family. Julie: Yeah. Maybe you're right. [Julies room] Julie: Listen, I-I was talking to my mom, and-Dylan: Yeah. I heard. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: (on phone) Susan? Hi. It's, uh, Bree. I'm glad you're home. Uh, listen, I-I thought I might stop by for a little visit. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Hey. Look, I've only got, uh, about an hour before my next job. Uh, is it okay if I grab lunch in front of the TV? I wanted to watch the game. Susan: Oh, sure. I'll--I'll bring up a tray. Mike: Oh, thanks. Susan: Bree thinks you're doing drugs. She found this on her kitchen floor, and it's not aspirin. Mike: Well, you know, my shoulder's been hurting lately. She says it's a narcotic, and it's highly addictive. Given your history-Mike: Whoa, whoa, Susan, these--these were prescribed by a doctor right after my accident. I found a couple in the medicine cabinet, and I've been carrying 'em around in case my shoulder acts up. Susan: Really? Mike: Yeah. Really. They were the last two. So you got nothing to worry about. Susan: Oh, thank god! You have no idea where my mind went. I had you roaming back alleys to score your dope, pawning our good silver to pay your dealer. And we don't even have good silver, so it got worse 'cause you had to knock over a gas station to buy the silver to pawn it
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off. I was really making myself crazy. Mike: I'm sorry about that. But I reiterate-- old pill, no problem. Susan: I knew it. I'm so happy. Mike: Mmm. Good. Mm, now fix me some lunch, woman. Susan: Oh! Mike: I wann a watch the damn game. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Nurse: Can I help you? Bree: Yes, um, can you tell me who I would talk to about having my baby circumcised? Bree: What do you mean you can't help me? Dr. Hanson: I received a registered letter from your husband which reads,"I do not wish for my son, Benjamin Hodge, to be circumcised. Should the recipient of this letter encounter my wife... -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: "Please feel free to show her this letter and assure her of its wide distribution to hospitals and physicians across this and two neighboring states." Orson: Does this seem too warm to you? Bree:That you even felt such a thing was necessary. Orson: Well, obviously, it was. Forgive me for knowing my wife. Bree: What's that supposed to mean? You don't trust me? Orson: I trust you not to break your word. Since you've pointedly refused to give it, I trusted you to snip first and debate the merits later. Bree: I'm only thinking of Benjamin. Be reasonable. Orson: You're the one who's unreasonable. What have you got against untrimmed penises? Bree: They're... unsightly. I do not want our son to be teased...for being different. Do you? Orson: Ah, so in the end, it all comes down to tradition and conformity. Bree: What is wrong with that? I thought we liked conformity. Orson: Not at the price of pain and reduced sexual pleasure. Bree: I can tell you someone whose sexual pleasure is going to be reduced big-time! -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: Hey, sweetheart. What's that? Dylan: Just something for school. Katherine: What was that name you just typed in? Dylan: We were assigned a genealogy project. I have to do research on my father. Katherine: I will call your teacher. She'll assign you a different project. Dylan: What do you think you're doing? I am learning about my father. Katherine: Dylan! Dylan: For years, you have told me that my father is too evil to talk about. Now I find out you've discussed him at a neighborhood game night?! Katherine: Regardless, I am still your mother, and while you're under my roof, you will obey my rules. Dylan: And what if I don't? Are you gonna slap me again, kick me out of the house? Go ahead. Try it. See what happens. I'm sorry, mom. You can't stop me this time. I am officially no longer afraid of you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house]
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Susan: And he needed something for the pain, so he happened to find the last two pills in the medicine cabinet, and he took 'em. It's no big deal. Bree: Let me show you something. You see this breadmaker? This is where I hid a bottle of chardonnay after I told everyone I'd stopped drinking. Susan: Oh, but this isn't the same thing. Mike wouldn't lie to me about this. Bree: And this rotating spice rack? Those little airplane bottles of vodka fit perfectly in the back. Susan: He said there were no more pills. I was looking him in the eye. Bree: Susan, addicts are experts at deception. My advice to you--Trust...but verify. -----------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] Lydia: So... this is nice--Little family get-together. Why didn't you call Lucy ? Lynette: Oh, you know her, always busy. Lydia: So, mom... You look good. Stella: Thanks. You seeing anybody? Lydia: Not that I wanna tell you about. Stella: Mm, still alone. Lynette: Ooh, look. The special is chicken. Doesn't that sound good? Stella: Ooh, order me one. I-I'm going to the bar and-- and check the score on the game. Lynette: Have fun. Lydia: I know what this is, and I'm not doing it. Lynette: What? What? We're having lunch. Lydia: She's not moving back in. I resist your attempts to manipulate me. Lynette: Nobody is manipulating you. Lydia: My boundaries are strong. I know what I want, and I deserve to be happy. Lynette: What have you got there? Are you reading from something? Lydia: Okay! As soon as you invited me to lunch, I called my therapist. And he told me you'd try to guilt me into taking mom back, but..."I will not be emotionally blackmailed." Lynette: Give me that. Lydia: I already had her, Lynette. She stayed with me for two years--two years in which my weight ballooned. She put me through four different hairstyles. Once, she even brought home this guy she met at a bar. Lynette: She's so not like that now. Lydia: I don't care. The day she moved out, I got my life back. So if you wanna have lunch, fine. But that's it. Lynette: Okay. Okay. Okay. Good for you. I'm sorry. Stella: Where's the chicken? Lynette: Oh, yeah. Where is that waiter? I'm gonna go find him. Stella: Just hear me out. If you trim the sides in a little, I think you'll lose that wingy effect you have going now. Lydia: Mom! Stella: Well, I'm just saying that with the shape of your face, you're not doing yourself any favors. Lydia: Do you think you could go for one minute without being critical? Stella: What are you talking about? I have not said one word about your eye shadow yet. Lydia: "I reject your negativity. I am as beautiful as I feel inside." -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house - doorway] Edie: Oh, it's you. Carlos: Thank you for calling about my painting. I can't believe I forgot that. Edie: Yeah, I know it meant a lot to you.
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Carlos: There's a hole in it. Edie: Yeah, I don't get modern art either. Carlos: Okay, Edie...I know that you're angry right now, but-Edie: You think I'm angry? You should've seen Victor. Carlos: What? Edie: Yeah, we had a little chat. Actually, he didn't believe that you were screwing his wife...until I showed him some photos, and then he was just enraged. It was a little scary. -----------------------------------------------------------[At sea - boat] Gabrielle: For god sakes, Carlos, am I gonna have to change this number? Carlos: Victor knows. Gabrielle: Knows what? Carlos: Everything. Edie told him we're having an affair. Gabrielle: No, that's impossible. He hasn't said a word. In fact, I've never seen him so sweet and attentive. Carlos: It's an act! Edie said he was enraged. Gabrielle: Well, if he's so mad at me, why would he take me on a boat trip? Carlos: He took you on a boat? Gabrielle: Oh, crap. Carlos: I think you need to get out of there. Victor: Gaby? Gabrielle: Oh, I-I was just talking to... Bree. Victor: Oh. Oh, no, no. We agreed--total privacy. When we head home, you can have it back. And you can talk to... Bree as much as you like. Can I get you something? Gabrielle: No, I'm good. Victor: You okay? Gabrielle: Uh, actually, I'm really cold. Maybe we should bail and do this another day. You know, when it's warmer. Victor: It'll warm up. Gabrielle: Oh, okay, well, just in case, we should run back to shore so I can grab a jacket. Victor: Gaby...you're not going anywhere. Gabrielle: I'm not? Victor: I know about everything--you, Carlos, the affair, everything. Gabrielle: Okay. I am so sorry. But in my defense, you were always gone, and you knew how needy I was when you married me. Victor: That's it? That's all you have to say to me? Gabrielle: Well, it'd be easier to talk if we were back on shore. What are you doing? Victor: It's bad enough you've betrayed me. Now I have to listen to your whining? I brought something for you. Victor: Gaby! Gaby! Gaby! -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Dylan: What's that? Katherine: Everything I know about your father--date of birth, his mother's name, last known address. It's everything you need to find him. Dylan: Thank you. Katherine: Before you take this...you have to promise me something. Dylan: Okay.
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Katherine: You cannot bring him here...or even tell him where I am. Dylan: Why? Katherine: The last time that I saw your father, it was to tell him that I was leaving him, and I was taking you with me. He, uh, he always liked to slap me around a little bit. But that night was...unimaginable. I don't remember everything. I-I was in pretty bad shape by the end of it. But once he was done slamming my face into the wall, he started choking me, and he kept screaming that he was gonna kill me. And the last thought that I had...was what would happen to you if I died. So you can't tell him where I am. You just can't. Dylan: Maybe you can talk to my teacher Tomorrow...and have her give me another assignment. Katherine: Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Lynette: I told you, if you're gonna have a tree house...you've gotta keep it clean. Lucy: Here. Take these and dump them by the front door. Lynette: Hey, what the hell are you doing?! Lucy: Mom, hurry. Get out of the car. Lynette: Hey, hey, hey.No, no, no. You are not leaving those here. Hi, mom. Take her away. Lucy: Unh-unh, Lynette. You may have been able to strong-arm the weak one, but not me. Lydia: I'm not weak! Lucy: Then why did you call me? Get out of our way. Lynette: Lucy, every fight we have ever had has ended with my foot on your neck. I guarantee that this one's gonna end the same way, too. Lydia: Maybe we should talk inside. -----------------------------------------------------------[Debbies house] Mohel: I'm often asked why the torah tells us that a child must be circumcised on the eighth day of his life. Some say that's how long it takes to get a decent caterer. Bree: What a lovely ceremony. I'm Deborah's friend Bree. I have what may strike you as a very odd request. Mohel: Trust me, it won't be one I haven't heard. Bree: Do you think, while you're here, do could do a Bris for my baby, too? Mohel: Okay, new one. Good for you. Bree: I know it might seem tacky piggybacking on Deborah's Bris, but... we could do it in the den very quietly. Mohel: Uh, well, as we just saw, there's so such thing as a quiet Bris. You said your name was Bree ? Bree: Yes, Bree Hodge...Born Rabinowitz. Mohel: Huh. I wouldn't have taken you for Jewish. Bree: I should only have a Nickel for every time I've heard that. Mohel: Don't you want a proper Bris with your friends and family there? Bree: I would love that, but my husband Orson --big, stubborn, goy. He says we should do nothing and let the child decide when he's grown. We don't pick our parents-- we should pick our religion? Mohel: I wouldn't feel right doing this without speaking to your husband. Bree: Well, he's out of town, and...our Benjamin is 8 days old today. And if I don't do this, my grandma...Tzeitel...will never forgive me, may she rest in peace. Mohel: You realize that this is a covenant? That whatever your husband says, you are promising to raise your child as a devout Jew? Bree: I swear to you before god that this child will be as devout a Jew as I am. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house]
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Orson: Hey, where have you been? I woke up, and you were gone. Bree: Oh, we had a very busy day. We dropped off the dry cleaning, we deposited money into our Christmas account, and then we got circumcised. Orson: You did what?! Bree: It's just a little unsightly foreskin. He'll never miss it. Orson: So why stop there? Why--why not cut off his testicles? You obviously have no problem going after mine. Bree: Orson. Orson: Well, what do you call it, Bree? Going behind my back, ignoring my feelings on this? Bree: I gave them very serious consideration. But it's my blood running in his veins, which ultimately makes it my decision. Orson: Your blood? So who am I to Benjamin? A friendly uncle? A male nanny? Bree: Of course not. Orson: Then why do you treat me like I'm anything less than his father? I mean, haven't I earned that during the course of our little hoax? I lied for you. I-I risked public humiliation. I do everything but strap on the pregnancy harness myself. Bree: I know that. Orson: I see myself as Benjamin 's father. I need to know if you see me that way, too. Bree: I know how much you love Benjamin. I guess...I guess I just have to remember that it's love that makes us a family and not blood. Your son would like you to hold him. By the way, his Hebrew name is Simcha. I'll explain later. -----------------------------------------------------------[Marina] Gabrielle: Oh, Carlos, thank god you're here. Carlos: Where is he? Where's Victor ? Gabrielle: Well, I-I clubbed him and knocked him overboard. Carlos: He's in the ocean?! Gabrielle: He was going to kill me! He had a gun. Carlos: Okay, okay, let me think. You saw him in the water. I mean, he's not dead, right? Gabrielle: No, he's mad, but he wasn't dead. Carlos: So then we'll send someone out there to fish him out. We'll call the police, show 'em the gun and tell that 'em that it was self-defense. You still have the gun? Gabrielle: It's in there. Well, maybe he wanted it to muffle the gun. Carlos: There is no gun. Gabrielle: Ice pick? What are you doing? Carlos: I'm calling the coast guard. Gabrielle: And tell them what, I knocked my husband overboard because he was coming after me with a sweater? No, come on. We gotta go back out there. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Guys, I can't be any clearer on this. I am not taking her back. Lucy: It's your turn, simple as that. I've had her for four months. Lynette: I also had cancer for four months, and if I could've asked one of them to leave, I'm not sure which I would've picked. Lucy: Oh, four months, boohoo. I had her for a year, and that was the year she joined the gin of the month club.
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Lynette: I don't have any room for her. I already have seven people in four bedrooms. Lucy: There it is-- the "I have a family" card. Lydia: Congratulations. You can reproduce.We're all thrilled for you. Lynette: Why can't you take her? You are in that huge house all by yourself that you got from the divorce. Lucy: Dave and I are just separated. There's a good chance that he's moving back in, but not if mom is living there. Lynette: Well, we can't just throw her out on the street. Lydia: I can. My therapist said it's time for me to be a little more "Lydia-centric." Lynette: I really wanna meet this jackass. Okay, we all have our excuses, but we gotta figure something out. Come on. She is our mother. Lucy: Is she? She never acted like one, not that I can remember. Lydia: I remember she showed up drunk to my graduation, wearing a housecoat. Lynette: Okay, but the point is, she went. Lucy: Remember that one Christmas? And we came down, and there was mom under the tree, passed out drunk in the middle of all of our unwrapped toys. Lydia: My raggedy Ann smelled like peppermint schnapps. Lynette: Okay, she wasn't perfect, clearly. But she gave birth to us. We owe her our lives, and now that she needs us, we can't just turn our back on her. Lucy: I know I'm supposed to feel guilty, but I don't. Lydia: I don't either. Lynette: It's like you're saying you don't care about her. At all? And I don't understand that. Lucy: Well... if you care so much, then the answer to the problem is sorta obvious, isn't it? Lydia: We can help with money. I can send you $100 a month. Lynette: I don't need your money. I can take care of my mother all by myself. Lucy: Lynette... Lynette: Here's how you can help--Don't visit for the next few years, 'cause it seems fairly likely I won't have stopped hating you by then. Lydia: I guess that's her way of asking us to leave. Parker: Mom, where's grandma going? Lynette: Going? -----------------------------------------------------------[At sea-boat] Carlos: Wait. What's that? Victor: Gaby! Gabrielle: Here. Sit him here. Victor: You tried to kill me. Gabrielle: Well, I came back for you, didn't I? Victor: What were you thinking?! Gabrielle: Well, I thought you were trying to kill me. Victor: I was just trying to talk to you, see if we still had a chance. I see that you're still screwing this guy. And what the hell is he doing on my boat?! Carlos: You mean, besides saving your life? Victor: That was a big mistake, buddy. Carlos: Oh, right. Yeah, you're the guy that said if anyone messed with your woman, that you'd use your money to make 'em disappear. But right now it's just you and me. So how tough are you without your A.T.M. Card? That's what I figured.
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Gabrielle: Aah! Victor! Oh, my god! Victor! Oh! Oh, my god! Victor: Come on. Get up! Hey. Hey. Get up. I wanna see the look on your face when the knife goes in. Gabrielle: Oh, I'm getting pretty good at that. Carlos: Okay, let's pull him back in again. Gabrielle: What, are you crazy?! Carlos: Oh, we'll just tie him up so he doesn't cause any trouble. Victor! Gabrielle: Where'd he go? Carlos: Victor! Gabrielle: Victor! Victor! -----------------------------------------------------------[Marina-night] Carlos: Maybe we should go back out and look some more. Gabrielle: We looked for six hours. He's gone. Carlos: Oh, my god. We killed him. Gabrielle: It was self-defense, right? I mean, he was trying to kill us. Carlos: We can't prove that. This is bad, Gaby. Oh, when people find out we were on that boat with him, it... Gabrielle: Maybe they won't. Carlos: What do you mean? Gabrielle: No one but you knows I was with Victor. I'll say he went out alone. I told him I was leaving him, and he was depressed, suicidal even. Carlos: Only one problem--The boat's right here. Gabrielle: Then maybe the boat needs to go back out...alone. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Whatever you're thinking, I can explain. Susan: I'm thinking that you're a drug addict and a liar, so say something that's not that. Mike: Susan, listen-Susan: Is it so horrible living with me? I mean, do I make you so miserable that you can't even face me without numbing the pain? Mike: Of course not. I love you. Susan: Well, if you did, you wouldn't be doing this! I mean, my god, Mike, we have a baby on the way! Mike: Can I say something now? Susan: Sure, go ahead. Oh, should I look you in the eyes? Does it make it easier for you to lie? Mike: I didn't tell you...about the pills 'cause I didn't want you to feel guilty. Susan: Me feel guilty? Mike: Yeah. When I put in that water heater for McCluskey, I really wrenched my shoulder, and the doctor told me I should take a break, but I didn't because that was the day we found out you were pregnant. And from then on, all I have heard about are car seats and strollers and $10,000 preschools. You know, it didn't seem like a really good time for me to quit working. Susan: Mike, we don't need any of that stuff. Mike: Yeah. You say that now. But when Benjamin Hodge is in Harvard, and our kid's just a plumber like his dad...I just want to be able to give him the advantages I never got. Susan: God, the only advantage he needs is to have a healthy dad who's not doing this. Mike: You're right. I get it. Okay? I'm done. Susan: I wanna believe you. It's just... Mike: That addicts are good at lying.
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Susan: Yeah. Mike: All right...How about this? You believe me now? Susan: Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Deception--You find it in all the best homes. Parents rely on it when dealing with inquisitive children...Women use it to help keep secrets--big and small. Lovers need it to cover up inconvenient accidents. Why do people resort to deception? Because it's a handy tool that helps get us exactly what we're looking for. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X08 Distant Past -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Mike was the victim... of a hit-and-run. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette couldn't forgive her mother's past. Stella: You had Tom to come home to. I had your stepfather. Lynette: Hey, Glen may have bored you, but the years we had a father in that house were the happiest of my life. You drove him away. Parker: Mom, where's Grandma going? Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree got her second chance to be a good mother. Mary Alice Voiceover: Mike's dependency grew... Bree: Addicts are experts at deception. Gabrielle: Victor! Victor: Get up. I wanna see the look on your face when the knife goes in. Mary Alice Voiceover: and Victor was lost at sea. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: We think of the past as water under the bridge, a current that carries away the mistakes of our youth--the loves we lostthe addictions we gave into...the opportunities we threw away But sooner or later, reminders drift back into our lives...of the mistakes we made...and the sins we committed. [Church] Gabrielle: Carlos, why are you calling me? I told you we can't be seen together. Carlos: I can't take it anymore. We gotta go to the cops. Gabrielle: Oh, okay. And say what? "Yes, officer, my lover and I knocked my husband overboard twice and left him for dead. Okay. Bye-bye." I don't think so. Carlos: But he's the mayor. You know, people are gonna notice he's missing, and then they're gonna ask questions. Gabrielle: Let them ask. No one knows we were on that boat. Let's just play dumb and ride this thing out. Carlos: Gaby, don't you feel guilty? A man is dead. Gabrielle: Yes, I feel awful, but he threatened our lives. It was self-defense. Carlos: Exactly. So then why don't we go and tell the police? Gabrielle: He took the Lord's name in vain. Look, we have a good plan. Let's just stick to it. Carlos: Okay, okay. I won't say anything.
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Good. Now until this blows over, don't call me again. What are you doing now? Carlos: I'm praying for a miracle. Gabrielle: Carlos, if Victor had lived, he would've killed us. I'm thinking we already had our miracle. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, the mistakes of our past have a way of drifting back into our lives...and when they do...we have to pay for them. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: One day in the early fall, Mike Delfino hurt his shoulder. Mike: God. Mary Alice Voiceover: To ease his pain, he took a little white pill recommended by his doctor. The pain persisted, so he took another...and another. Unfortunately, when Mike's pain began to subside, his need for the little white pills...did not. But Mike never shared this with those who cared about him, only with those who could not have cared less. [Susans house-bathroom] Mike: (on phone) Hey, it's Mike. I'm out. I need to meet you tomorrow. Barrett: Great. Got that money you owe me? Mike: (on phone) No, but you know I'm good for it. Barrett: You price chemistry textbooks lately? They're, like, 300 bucks. I need my money, Mike. Mike: (on phone) And you'll get it, all right? Can't you just front me something for now? Barrett: Well, advice is free. Pills aren't. My advice-- get some cash. [Outside] Derek: So, hey, you know, I better get going. Julie: Yeah, um, I should, too. Susan: Hey. Julie: Mom. Susan: Can we talk? This will just take a second. Did you kiss that boy? Julie: No, I was kind of interrupted. Susan: Oh, well, you're gonna thank me. Do you know that he has his tongue pierced? Julie: Yeah. He showed me. How do you know? Susan: I checked out his web page. Julie: You did not. Susan: I did, too, and do you know what else he has pierced? And if you do, you're grounded. Julie: Okay, yes, Mom, Derek has bought into the who-piercing craze, but aren't you the one who told me to not judge a book by its cover? Susan: If the cover has holes in it, the book is no good. Julie: Okay, this conversation is over. I am going to kiss Derek good night. Susan: Oh, fine. Break my heart. Julie: Why are you freaking out? We're just dating. It's not like he's trying to put a ring on my finger. Susan: Trust me. Your finger is not where he'd put it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house-bedroom] Orson: Aw, he's so beautiful when he sleeps. I'll put him in the crib. Bree: No, he'll be sleeping with us. Orson: Why? Is he running a fever? Bree: He's fine, but I've been doing so reading, and more and more people say that babies sleep better next
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to their parents. It's called the "family bed". Orson: No, I've heard of that. Isn't it designed to facilitate breast-feeding? Bree: Partly. What's your point? Orson: You're not lactating. If our son wants to be near the milk, he'll have to sleep in the refrigerator. Bree: This isn't just for me and Benjamin. This will help you bond with him, too. Orson: Oh, perhaps, but it's sure not gonna help me bond with you. Bree: Darling, sex is the last thing women want right after they've given birth. Orson: But you didn't give birth. You watched and served refreshments. Bree: Well, that doesn't make caring for an infant any less tiring. Can't we just give it a chance? Orson: I suppose. What if I roll over and crush him? Bree: Don't. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house-bedroom] Lynette: (on phone) Yes, hi. I'm looking for my mom. She hangs out at your bar sometimes. Stella Wingfield? Uh, older lady, big smoker, talks like a teamster. Well, that's your fault for letting her run a tab. Look, if you see her, could you tell her to call Lynette? Thank you. Tom: I know that you are worried, but I am sure your mother is fine. Lynette: She's broke and old and rude. That is not a winning combination on the street. Tom: Stella is very resourceful. Didn't you tell me that she once made her own booze by putting a bag of oranges under the radiator? Lynette: Lucy, Lydia and I fought over who had to take her. She was right outside. God only knows what she heard us say. Tom: Yeah, well, after the crap she put you guys through, you have every right to resent her. Lynette: It is a lot easier to resent your parents when you know they're safe in some retirement village, but to know that she's out there, maybe lying facedown in an alley... Tom: This is exactly what she wants you to do. She wants you to feel guilty. Don't buy into it. Lynette: Okay. Okay. I guess you're right. Tom: Lynette. Lynette: The morgue is listed under government offices, right? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Nurse: Mrs. Lang? The police are here. Detective Berry: Ma'am. I'm Detective Berry. This is Detective Lyons. Can we ask you a few questions? Gabrielle: Of course. Detective Lyons: When was the last time you saw Mr. Lang? Gabrielle: I guess two days ago. Why? What's wrong? Detective Lyons: His office has reported him missing. Gabrielle: Oh, no. They did? Detective Berry: And this morning, the coast guard found his empty boat floating in the bay. Gabrielle: Oh, my God. I hope this isn't...Last time I saw him, I told him I was leaving him. Detective Berry: How did he react to that news? Gabrielle: Well, he took it pretty hard. Oh, you don't think he did anything stupid, do you? Detective Berry: Well, actually, we don't. Gabrielle: You don't? Detective Lyons: When we examined the boat, we didn't find a single fingerprint, not even Mr. Lang's. Gabrielle: Well, that's weird. What--what do you think that means?
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Detective Lyons: It would indicate somebody wiped that boat down after Mr. Lang was...gone. Whoever was on that boat is clearly not that bright. Gabrielle: Okay, this is no time for name-calling. A man is missing. Detective Berry: Well, don't worry, ma'am. We got our best men on this case, 'round the clock. We'll find out exactly what happened to your husband. Gabrielle: Great. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Julie: (note reads) "Mom - Went to mall with Derek. Back late." Barrett: I'm Barrett. Is Mike home? Susan: No, he's at work. Barrett: Oh, shoot. I needed to talk to him. Were, uh, just doing some business together. Susan: Well, I don't know when he's gonna be home, but you could come back later tonight. Barrett: Oh, I can't do that. I have to study for an orgo test. Susan: Orgo? Barrett: Organic chemistry. I'm pre-med. Susan: Pre-med? Really? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Oh, hello, dear. Andrew, get Orson's plate from the oven. Orson: Ask me how my morning was. Bree: All right. How was it? Orson: After two nights of sleepless bonding with my son, I nearly dozed off while repairing Mrs. Colby's cracked molar. I doubt if the crown I put in will last her a year. Bree: So you'll replace it for free. Orson: That's not the point. How is a dentist supposed to feel when he can't give a 90-year-old a lifetime guarantee? Bree, I'm sorry, but this whole family bed thing has to stop. Bree: Oh, give it some time. We're still adjusting, and Benjamin is sleeping so soundly. Orson: Well, he can sleep just as soundly in a crib. From what you've told me, you and Rex didn't haul Andrew into bed with you. Bree: No, and I wish we had. If we did, he mightn't have turned out so... Andrew: So what? Stupid? Lazy? Short? Bree: I was going to say angry, and perhaps that anger began when we exiled you to the nursery. I'm just trying to learn from my mistakes. Andrew: So I'm--I'm what, like the first pancake? Bree: Don't be so sensitive. We'll find something to help you sleep--maybe some warm milk. Orson: I know something that used to help me sleep. Of course, that's off the menu these days. Andrew: Could the mistake have the salt? Bree: And if you're as tired as you say you are, then you're bound to sleep better tonight. Orson: Yes, I will, because I'll be sleeping in the den. Bree: You're leaving our bed? Orson: Darling, I need to either sleep or get lucky tonight. I'll have a better shot at both if I'm alone. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Gosh, you're studying to be a doctor. That must not leave you a lot of free time for hobbies or...a girlfriend.
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Barrett: Well, I have the time. I just don't have the girlfriend. Susan: Well, no rush. You know, just yesterday, I was telling my daughter Julie--oh, you know, that is so rude. I-I'm talking about daughter, and you don't even know what she looks like. That's her. Barrett: She's cute. Susan: Oh, Barrett, I wasn't fishing for compliments. If I was...I would've shown you this one. Barrett: Woh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I gotta take this. Susan: Oh, sure. I have to check on the laundry. Barrett: Yeah? No, bonehead, I don't sell that stuff. Just pills, smokes and shroomage. That's it. 20 bucks, cash only. Meet you at the dorm. Susan: Look what I found on the dryer. Julie won second place in the state science fair. Barrett: That's awesome. Susan: Yeah, good-looking and smart. Only problem is, where is she gonna find someone else like that? Barrett: Well, I gotta get going. My study partner's giving me a hard time about that test, so... Susan: Oh, that's okay. You know, why don't you come back tomorrow to see me, and if Julie happens to be here, maybe you can give her some advice on picking out colleges and stuff. Barrett: Yeah, sounds great. See you tomorrow, Mrs. Delfino. Susan: Oh, please, call me "mom". Uh, because...that's what all the kids call me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Restaurant] Bree: Oh, thank you. Tom: Hey, Bree. Table for, uh, one and a half? Bree: No, thanks. I'm just dropping off Andrew's cell phone. He forgot it again. Tom: Okay. I'll give it to him. Bree: Um, Tom, may I ask you something? Did you and Lynette do the family bed when your children were babies? Tom: Well, it wasn't exactly a choice. They just kept crawling in there. Bree: So, um, not to pry, but, um, did that create any, uh, issues for you? Tom: You mean sex? Bree: Apparently, "not to pry" wasn't necessary. Tom: Well, it did put a crimp on things at first, but that just forced us to be more creative. Bree: Again, not to pry, but-Tom: The office. We did it at the office, once in the car, and you remember when you asked us to wait when you guys were going out of town? Bree: Okay. Thanks. Yes, um, we'll be going now. Tom: Hey, other than your issue, how does Orson like being a dad? Bree: Oh, he just adores it. The three of us are such a happy little family. Aren't we? Tom: That is great. Bree: Bye. Tom: Bye. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Mike: I replaced that gasket. Shouldn't leak anymore. Adam: Great. Why don't you grab us a couple beers? Adam: Sylvia. What are you doing here? Sylvia: Beautiful house. Adam: Look, you need to leave. I don't want Katherine finding you here.
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Sylvia: Oh, but Katherine's gone. I waited until she drove away so we could be alone. Aren't you gonna invite me in? Adam: After you ruined my life? I don't think so. Sylvia: You ruined your own life. You should have told the truth about us. Adam: Sylvia, why don't you do us both a favor and go back to Chicago? Sylvia: Adam, let me in. Mike: Hey, man. Your, uh, your beer's getting warm. Sylvia: Oh, you have guests. Well, I guess I'll just drop by some other time. Mike: I'm sorry, man. It just sounded like you needed a little help. Adam: Thanks. That's, um, a-an ex-patient...with some pretty serious mental problems. Uh, could you do me a big favor? I'd rather Katherine didn't know she was here. Mike: Yeah, that's no problem. You know, actually, I was gonna ask you a favor, too. I've got this pain in my shoulder. Adam: You--you think you could write me a prescription? Oh, I wish I could help you out, but a gynecologist writing a prescription for a man? It kind of raises a red flag. Mike: Ah, don't worry about it. This favor thing doesn't have to go both ways. -----------------------------------------------------------[Orsons clinic- exam room] Orson: Linda, is Mrs. Zimmerman here? Bree: Hello, doctor. Orson: Bree. What a wonderful surprise. Uh, I've got a new patient coming in. Bree: Mmm, yes, you do. I'm Mrs. Zimmerman. Orson: Uh, your message said you had a cavity that needed filling? Bree: I was in a very naughty mood when I left that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Lynette: You're waiting outside. Why are you waiting outside? Tom: Everything is fine. It's just, um, someone's here. Lynette: Oh, my God. It's the police? Tom: No, no. No, nothing like that. It's your stepfather. [Inside] Lynette: Glen? I don't believe it. Glen: Lynnie. Oh, it's been a long time. Lynette: Oh, God. Only three decades give or take a year, but who cares? Oh, gosh. You look great. Glen: Oh, so do you, although what--what--what's this? Lynette: Oh, just a little cancer. No, but I kicked its ass. I'm good now. You come here. Oh! So why--why are you here? Glen: Well...Your mother called me. Lynette: She did? Is she okay? Glen: Uh, she sounds fine. She asked for money. Lynette: I didn't know you guys had kept in touch. Glen: Well, we had. I'm meeting her at Fairview Park to give it to her, and I'm guessing you'll want to come with me. Lynette: Yes, yes, thank you, but where has she been staying? Glen: She broke into a car and spent the night there. Lynette: Oh, my God.
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Glen: But she did say it was a Cadillac. Lynette: Oh, well, good. At least she's not living like a hobo. Oh, my God. I'm so glad to see you again. Glen: Oh, you, too, Lynnie. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside the exam room] Adam: Hey, Bree. Bree: Hello, Adam. Adam: I just dropped by to see your husband. Is he here? Bree: He's in the exam room, readjusting the chair. [Inside] Orson: Look, I'm sorry Mike is in such pain, but it's not really ethical for me to write him a prescription. Adam: I know it's a little dicey, but you'd really be doing me a big favor. By the way, Bree looks great. I haven't seen her since I delivered Danielle's baby. Sorry. Your baby. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Bree: Hey, Andrew. What are you doing? Andrew: Just giving you that sewing room you always wanted. Bree: You're moving out? But you can't afford an apartment. Andrew: I can afford this one, which will give you some idea how crappy the neighborhood is. Bree: I'm sorry. I don't--I don't understand. Why are you doing this? Andrew: I'm doing this for you. How are you gonna get a fresh start with your past mistakes stinking up the place? Bree: Is this about the other morning? Oh, for heaven sakes, you can't be serious. Andrew: I am. In fact, I already gave the landlord a check. So I hope the three of you are very happy. -----------------------------------------------------------[Walkway-night] Orson: Well, to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable giving this to you, Mike. Pain medication only helps your symptoms. If this is chronic, you need to be seeing a physical therapist. Mike: You know what I need, Orson? I need to take a few weeks off, but I can't, 'cause I've got to work...For the baby, for Julie's class trip, the patio furniture and everything else Susan's got me paying for. Orson: Are you okay, Mike? You sound a little unhappy. Mike: No, no, I'm happy, and I don't mean to put all of this on Susan. It's just, when I signed up for this suburb dad thing, I didn't exactly know what I was getting myself into. Orson: No, I understand. Still, this is no way to deal with stress. Mike: It's not about stress. It's about the pain I've been in every day since I got hit by that car. Orson: You mean this pain is related to your accident? Mike: It wasn't an accident. Some son of a bi*ch ran me down and took off. Orson: Right. Well, I hope this helps. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house-bedroom] Susan: Oh, Mike, you're home. I was dreaming we were ponies. Mike: That's nice. Go back to sleep. Susan: Hey, that kid, um, Barrett came by today. Mike: What? Susan: Yeah, he said that you owed him money for some...plumbing job that he helped you on. Mike: Yeah. Yeah, I gotta get that to him.
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Susan: Oh. He's coming back tomorrow. Don't you think he would be perfect for Julie? [Bathroom] Mike: (on phone) Barrett, it's Delfino. I'm only gonna say this once. I'll get you your money, but don't ever come to my house again. You got it? Ever. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Newspaper reads: MAYOR MISSING Edie: (on phone) Yes, hello. I'd, uh, like to leave an anonymous tip about something important. Uh, do you have some kind of voice mail menu for that? Well, it's about the mayor. Oh, I don't think he's missing. I think he's dead. Carlos: Look, that's it. We gotta go to the cops. Gabrielle: Carlos, please. Carlos: Look, we blew it with the fingerprints, all right? Now they know someone else was with him on the boat. Gabrielle: They don't know that someone else was us. Carlos: It's just a matter of time. I mean, make a list of people with a motive to kill Victor. Number one--you. Number two--you. Number three--maybe me, probably still you. Gabrielle: Okay, if we just stay lm and stick to the story... Carlos: We tried that. It's not working. I'm going to the cops. Now you can either come with me or wait for them to come and get you. Gabrielle: Fine. I'll go. Carlos: Thank you. Gabrielle: Can we at least have a drink before we go? Calm our nerves? I mean, you can't talk to the cops the way you've been babbling to me. Carlos: I guess one drink wouldn't hurt. Gabrielle: You okay with tequila? Carlos: Only if it's the good stuff! Gabrielle: Oh, I think you'll find this has a real kick. Instructions: SLEEPING AID -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Barrett: Oh, and this is the worst. During a dissection, my anatomy lab partner squirted stomach juice in my eye. Julie: Ew. That is so disgusting. Barrett: Oh, it was terrible. Julie: So gross. Mike: Hey. What are you smiling about? Susan: My matchmaking skills. Julie and Barrett are really hitting it off. Mike: Barrett? Susan: Yeah, your friend. I told you last night he was coming by again. Barrett: I appreciate all the pressure you're putting on me. Julie: You're welcome. Mike: Uh, Julie, could you give us a minute? Barrett and I have a little business to discuss. Julie: Sure. I'll just grab my jacket.
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Mike: I thought I told you to stay away from my house. Barrett: But your wife invited me. And, hey, you married into a cute family. Kudos. Mike: Here's your money. Now get out. Barrett: We were just leaving. I'm taking Julie on a tour of my campus. Mike: There is no way I'm letting her go anywhere with a lowlife drug dealer. Barrett: Lowlife? Dude, I'm a pre-med student who's found an enterprising way to earn his way through college. You, on the other hand, are a junkie, and I don't think you want your cute family knowing that, do ya? I'll have her home by 10:00. Barrett: This is delicious, Mrs. Delfino. Susan: Thank you. Hey, you know, would you like me to pack some up for you guys to take? Mike: This guy's a drug dealer. Susan: What? Mike: You remember those pills you found? He sold them to me. Barrett: Look, Mrs. Delfino-Susan: Get out of my house. Get him out of my house! Barrett: Okay. I'll go. It's a shame, though. He was such a good customer. Julie: Hey. Where'd Barrett go? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Why am I so sleepy all of a sudden? Gabrielle: Oh, I don't know, but if you're not feeling well, maybe we should put this off. Carlos: No, no, no. We gotta go now. Gabrielle: Crap! Carlos: What? Oh! Gabrielle: Detectives! Any, uh, news on my husband? Detective Berry: Not yet, but we've got some more questions for you. Gabrielle: Oh, okay. So ask away. Detective Lyons: Mrs. Lang, were you having an affair with your ex-husband? Gabrielle: Carlos? That's crazy. Where'd you hear that? Detective Lyons: Your neighbor called us. Gabrielle: Oh. Well, you tell Edie Britt, just because Carlos dumped her doesn't mean she has to go around trashing my reputation, especially when she's the slut. Detective Berry: Well, have you seen him lately? Gabrielle: Boy, let me think. Uh...mm...No. No, I haven't. Detective Lyons: (on phone) This is Lyons. We're on our way. Detective Lyons: Good news, Mrs. Lang. They found your husband. Gabrielle: Huh? Detective Lyons: A couple of fishermen found him washed up on the beach. He's unconscious but in stable condition. Would you like to go to the hospital? Gabrielle: Well, why wouldn't I? Just let me grab my purse. Gabrielle: Well, you can stop feeling guilty. Victor's alive, and we're screwed. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Fairview Park] Glen: Okay, what's the plan? Lynette: Once she shows up, you'll meet her and give her the money. Then ask her to walk you back to the car. I'll jump out, grab her, and while you open the trunk... Glen: Lynette. Lynette: Fine, the backseat, but you're just gonna spoil her. Glen: I see you still have that wicked sense of humor. Lynette: Yeah. It's the one good thing you get from a crappy childhood. Glen: You know, I...I always regretted the way things ended. Lynette: Why? Mom cheated on you. No one blames you for leaving. Glen: It was, uh, more complicated than that. Lynette: Hey, I'm not complaining. Glen: Well-Lynette: Ah, there's Booze-illa now. Glen: All right, I'll go get her. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: He bought those pills a long time ago and never got around to paying the guy. Julie: Wow. Susan: Julie, it's not like it was heroin or crack. It was just pain pills for his shoulder, but we had a talk, and he has totally stopped taking them. Julie: Are you absolutely sure? Susan: Yeah. Why? Julie: Well, I was at the drugstore this morning, and I saw Mike there, picking up a prescription. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Park] Glen: Hello, Stella. Stella: Glen. What the hell? I know we're the same age. How is it you look so much better than me? Glen: Well, I don't drink or sleep in cars. Stella: Oh, so that's your secret. Who knew? Glen: Stell, here's the money. Stella: Thanks, doll. You are a beautiful, beautiful human being. You son of a bi*ch. You set me up. Glen: Lynette! Lynette: Oh, crap! Now where do you think you're going? Stella: I'm off to die in a ditch. What do you care? Lynette: Okay, enough with the drama. I want you to come home with me. Stella: Oh, really? That's not what you said to Lydia and Lucy. Lynette: I am sorry about that, Mom. We were just venting. People who love you need to do that. Stella: I was not a horrible mother. And even if I was, it's old news, so drop it. Lynette: Drop it? Do you hear that? She wants me to drop it. And when she cheated on you, and when she wrecked our family, I bet she wanted you to drop that, too. Glen: Okay, guys Stella: What's done is done, and if you can't get over it, there's nothing I can say that'll make you stop hating me. Glen: There is one thing you could say. Stella: You keep your mouth shut.
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Glen: Stella, she's a grown woman. She can handle it. Lynette: Handle what? Stella: Glen, don't. Glen: Lynnie...I didn't leave your mother because she cheated on me. I left because I'm gay. -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews apartment] Andrew: Mom. You okay? Bree: Just a bit dizzy from holding my breath in your stairwell. May I come in? Andrew: Oh, I'd--I'd kind of rather you not see the place until I get it fixed up. Bree: Well, I guess I'll just have to take my veal scaloppini and go home. Andrew: I've been so busy with moving, I forgot to eat. This is really good, mom. Bree: Thank you. You know, I'd make it for every day if you'd move back home. Andrew: Mom, this...this is my home. Bree: Seriously, Andrew, you don't even have a bed. Andrew: Actually, you're sitting on it. It's a foldout. Bree: Oh, dear God. At least let me buy you some decent furniture. Andrew: Absolutely not. Mom, I'm--I'm gonna do this on my own. Bree: Andrew, I understand you're angry with me about what I said, but...I do have a good reason for wanting to raise Benjamin differently. I mean, let's be honest. You put me through hell. Andrew: You're right. I-I know I did, but that's why I'm mad. Because I-I changed, and you never noticed. You know, I-I got a job, a car, my own health insurance. I--I've turned things around. Bree: Well, I know that. Andrew: Then why haven't you said anything? It's because you've been so focused on your new husband and baby. Bree: Oh, Andrew. Andrew: Mom, it's okay. You know, you've got a new life. I think it's time I did too. Bree: I just don't want us to part on bad terms again, like we did two years ago. Andrew: You mean when you left me on the side of that road? Look, Mom...I was spinning out of control. You forced me to grow up. If I haven't said it before, thank you. Bree: You forgive me? Andrew: I forgave you a long time ago. You just...you just never noticed. Oh, uh, Mom? Uh, would you mind using a coaster? Bree: Okay. Now I...I really am gonna cry. -----------------------------------------------------------[Glens house] Glen: Dave passed away last spring. We were together almost 20 years. Lynette: Oh. He seems nice. Glen: I know it's a lot to deal with. Lynette: Kinda. Glen: So, uh, coffee's probably ready. Uh, cream and sugar? Shot of bourbon? Lynette: Why didn't you tell me? Stella: It wasn't my proudest moment, Lynette. Lynette: What are you talking about? Stella: I failed as a woman. Two years being married to me, and he turns gay. Lynette: I don't think that's how it works. Stella: All I know is I was...so ashamed. What does it matter anyway? It wouldn't have changed anything
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between us. Lynette: Are you kidding? It would've changed everything. Stella: Oh, y-you would've given me a pass on my drinking and my--my swearing, my--my men? Lynette: If I understood why you couldn't stay married to the only father, the only stable parent I'd ever known, yeah, I could've found a way to forgive you all sorts of things. We can talk about this later. Let's go home. Stella: I don't think so. Lynette: Listen to me. I would be honored if you would come and live with us. Having you around these past few months was sort of...fun. Stella: It was great. We actually figured out a way to stop torturg each other. Lynette: Then why not come back? Stella: Because I don't want to screw that up, and let's face it, Lynette. You know I would. So why don't we just take our chips and leave the table winners? Lynette: But where will you live? Glen: Actually, I have a thought. Uh, sorry. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but, um...I happen to have an immaculately decorated guest room. Stella: You know, he's always talked like that. How did I not know you were queer? Lynette: I'm sorry. You want this around? Glen: Well, we always had a good time, and to tell the truth, I've been a little lonely lately. Stella: Oh. So I would be doing you a favor. Fine, but I'm keeping the money. Glen: Hahaha. It's a deal. Does this work for you? Lynette: It does. It really does. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Some stretches, and the shoulder feels great. Susan: That's a relief. Mike: You, uh, gonna take a shower? Susan: Yeah. Mike: I might, um, go down for a snack in a minute. Susan: Okay. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Dr. Wheeler: Mrs. Lang? Uh, I'm Dr. Wheeler, your husband's neurologist. Gabrielle: How is he? Dr. Wheeler: Uh, he's starting to wake up now. Would you like to talk to him? Gabrielle: Of course! I-I bet he's pretty delirious. I mean, after his ordeal, I wouldn't be surprised if he's just babbling like a crazy person! Dr. Wheeler: Mr. Lang, your wife is here. Victor: Gaby. Hi. Gabrielle: Don't strain yourself, Victor. There's plenty of time to talk later. What's important now is that you rest. Just stay quiet and rest...quietly. Detective Berry: Mr. Mayor, I'm Detective Berry. We need to ask you a few questions. What time did you take your boat out? Victor: I was on the boat? Detective Berry: We think. We found it floating in the bay, and, uh, obviously, you'd been in the water for quite some time. Victor: Uh, the last thing I remember...was Friday's staff meeting.
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Gabrielle: Really? I mean, what? Victor: Gaby, do you remember anything about me being on the boat? Gabrielle: No. No. Victor: Sorry. I guess I don't remember anything. Dr. Wheeler: Not uncommon in these situations. He's suffered both a mild concussion and hypothermia, either of which could result in memory loss. Gabrielle: Well, who cares? The important thing is that he's safe, and we're gonna nurse you back to health, and I think that would happen a lot faster if we all clear out. Thank you. Victor: Gaby, can you stay with me for a little while? Gabrielle: Of course. Victor: Sounds like I was in pretty bad shape there. Gabrielle: But you're okay now. That's the important thing. Victor: Come here. I remember everything. Gabrielle: What? Victor: I think I will rest now. I'm gonna need all my strength. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The past is never truly behind us. Ghosts lurk in the shadows, eager to remind us of the choices we made. But if we look back, we might find an old friend with open arms...or an old enemy with a hidden agendaor a grown-up son with a forgiving heart...Sadly, some of us refuse to look back, never understanding that by denying the past...we are condemnedto repeat it. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X09 Somethings Coming -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs. McCluskey had reached her limit. Mrs. McCluskey: Five kids are tough enough, but your husband makes six, and that's where I draw the line. Mary Alice Voiceover: An old friend paid Adam a visit. Adam: Sylvia. Sylvia: Aren't you gonna invite me in? Adam: After you ruined my life? I don't think so. Sylvia: You should've told the truth about us. Mary Alice Voiceover: Mike got help...from an unexpected source. Gabrielle: Victor! Mary Alice Voiceover: Victor lashed out... Victor: Come on! Get up! Mary Alice Voiceover: And Carlos and Gaby... Detective Berry: We need to ask you a few questions. Victor: Sorry. I guess I don't remember anything. Mary Alice Voiceover: Finally met their match. Victor: I remember everything. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
Mary Alice Voiceover: It was supposed to be a beautiful day. Kids should have been playing in the park. Husbands should have been doing their chores. Women should have been tending their flowers. But at 2:26 that afternoon, a tornado came to Wisteria Lane...Bringing with it...unbelievable...destruction. No one could have anticipated it...Especially given how the day started. [Walkway] Lynette: Sorry. Can you say that again? I don't think I heard you right. Gabrielle: Carlos and I are back together. Lynette: Gaby, you just got married. Bree: And some of us gave you very expensive wedding gifts. Gabrielle: Uh, you want the fondue set back? Fine. But don't act like it cost a bundle, 'Cause it clearly didn't. Susan: I got you the fondue set. Gabrielle: Oh. Right. It's nice. Bree: Oh, my god. This is gonna kill Edie. Gabrielle: You would think so, but no such luck. That vindictive have told Victor everything. Susan: Victor knows? Gabrielle: Yeah, and seeing how he's the rich mayor of a small town with various thugs and cops at his disposal, Carlos and I thought it would be safer if we got the heck out of dodge. Bree: You're leaving Fairview? Gabrielle: Yeah. This afternoon. Susan: No. Lynette: You can't be serious. Gabrielle: Look, we'll be back... someday. We just have to wait till this all blows over. Bree: I can't believe this. Gabrielle: I know. This is... a lousy way to say good-bye. And I'm sorry, but I don't have a choice. Do you guys have any idea how much I'm gonna miss you? Mrs. McCluskey: Hey, you heard the news? A tornado just hit mount pleasant, and they think we could get one, too. Y'all better head inside and start getting ready. Gabrielle: Um, go. You guys go. Susan: Yeah, and-and we don't need to say good-bye anyway, 'Cause we're gonna see you real soon. Bree: And everything will be just the way it was. Mary Alice Voiceover: Sadly, this was not to be. Oh! In four short hours, one of these women would lose a husband, and all of them would lose a friend. But how could they have known this? It was supposed to be a beautiful day. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: By noon that day, a tornado watch was in effect on Wisteria Lane, and every one of its residents was preparing for the storm-Everyone, that is, except Gabrielle Solis, who was more concerned about another storm on the horizon. [Gabrielles house] News anchor#1: Mayor Lang, recovering from his injuries, will reportedly be released from the hospital tomorrow. Until then, the deputy mayor will be coordinating Fairview's emergency response as the city remains on tornado watch. It has been over 50 years... Carlos: I turned off the gas and locked your car in the garage. I'm gonna go grab my passport from the safe-deposit box before they close the bank. News anchor#1:...We should understand is never underestimate the power of mother nature.
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Carlos: What's wrong? Gabrielle: They said Victor's getting out of the hospital...tomorrow. Carlos: Relax. We're gonna be gone before they give him his last sponge bath. And remember, the accountant's dropping off the papers for my Cayman island account. Gabrielle: I can't deal with that right now. I'm packing. Carlos: Gaby, those documents give us access to $10 million. Multitask. I told you just to pack the essentials. Gabrielle: That's what I'm doing. Carlos: Is that a boa? Gabrielle: Carlos, if you are taking me somewhere where I don't need a boa, then I don't want to go. Fine. You could be a little bit more sensitive. I had to say good-bye to my friends today. Carlos: Yes, I'm sorry. And I should probably go over and say something to Edie. Gabrielle: Like what? "Rot in hell, you maggoty who*e"? That woman ruined our lives. If she had kept her mouth shut, we wouldn't be running away. Carlos: I know, but I can't help feeling a little guilty. I mean, do you ever even think about what we did to Edie? Gabrielle: Who cares?! Thanks to her, I'm giving up my home, my friends, half my wardrobe. So do me a favor and never mention her name again unless it's followed by the phrase, "that conniving skank." Ya think you can do that? -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys front door] Mrs. McCluskey: Hey, Lynette. Lynette: Hi. Did you hear they declared a tornado watch? Scary, huh? Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah, well, don't worry about me. I'm ready for anything. It's sweet of you to dough. Lynette: Oh, yeah. Youre welcome. Um...can we stay in your basement? Mrs. McCluskey: What? Lynette: Well, if this tornado watch gets upgraded to warning, we're gonna need a place to wait it out. Mrs. McCluskey: Who exactly is "we"? Lynette: We, me, Tom, the kids, that family you've come to know and love. Mrs. McCluskey: All seven of you? Lynette: Yeah. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, first of all, I only love four of you. And second, no way in hell. Lynette: Mrs. McCluskey, please? Mrs. McCluskey: It's a small basement, Lynette. I've already invited Ida over. We just wanna play some cards and wait this thing out in peace and quiet. Lynette: We can be quiet...relative to the storm. Mrs. McCluskey: Look, there's a shelter over at 3rd and grove. Why don't you go over there? Lynette: That's in the middle of skid row. You think I want my kids around a bunch of winos? Mrs. McCluskey: Ida's off the wagon. It's not gonna be much better here. Lynette: I am asking you as a friend. Please? Mrs. McCluskey: (sighs) you're not gonna let this thing go, are you? Lynette: Thanks. And don't worry. I'll have a talk with my kids. I promise they'll keep a lid on the destruction. Mrs. McCluskey: Relative to the storm. Lynette: Yeah. Mm. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: (on phone) Dylan, we're fine. It's just a tornado watch. No. We paid a lot of money for this class trip, and I want you to stay and enjoy it. Tell Hulie I'll keep an eye on her mom. Gotta go.
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[Street] Katherine: What the hell are you doing here? Sylvia: I just came to talk to Adam. I like your hair long. Katherine: This is harassment. I will call the police. Sylvia: I don't think so. You'd have to tell them what happened with me and your husband. You don't want people knowing about that. Katherine: In case you'd forgotten, Adam wants nothing to do with you. Sylvia: Oh? Didn't seem that way yesterday. He didn't tell you I stopped by? I hope he's not starting to keep things from you...again. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house-front door] Bree: Here. I brought you a few things in case there is a tornado. Susan: (chuckles) Wow. Tape, batteries, a radio. How'd you know I need this stuff? Bree: An educated guess. Susan: Hey, actually, um, since you're here, I was thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to tell Orson about Mike's, you know...drug problem. Bree: Good, because I already...told him. Susan: You did? When? Bree: Last week. I was afraid that Mike might go to Orson for pills. Susan: I'm sorry, so...Orson already knows about Mike? Bree: Did I do something wrong? Susan: No. No, you didn't do anything wrong. Thanks for the supplies. -----------------------------------------------------------[Street] Katherine: I don't believe a word you say. Sylvia: So you still don't think I slept with Adam? Katherine: Of course not. Sylvia: Oh, well, let me paint a picture for you. Me lying in his arms, him wondering out loud how he ended up marrying such a cold, hard bi*ch. Bree: Katherine, are you all right? I- I couldn't help noticingKatherine: Of course you couldn't. And everything's fine. Thank you. Bree: Hi there. I- I don't mean to intrude, but are you all right? Sylvia: Not really, no. Bree: Would you like a nice cup of tea? News anchor#2: The national weather service has extended the tornado watch to the tri-county area. Funnel clouds have been spotted in the counties of Mansfield and Webster... Sylvia: I can't believe you're being so nice. You don't even know me. Bree: Well, I know Katherine, and believe me, you're not the only person I've seen her reduce to tears. Sylvia: Did you see her spit on me? Bree: Yes. That was unfortunate. If you need any antibacterial soap, ISylvia: Nah, I'm good. Bree: So, um, why on earth would Katherine treat you so dreadfully? Sylvia: Oh, she's just mad 'cause her husband's in love with me. Bree: Really?
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Sylvia: I was one of his patients back in Chicago. From the moment we met, there was this intense passion. We tried to fight it, but we couldn't. Bree: Well, you're only human. Sylvia: I know he's miserable without me, even though she tries to pretend that they're happy. I mean, you're their neighbor. You think they're happy? Bree: Well, they seem... content. Sylvia: Well, they're not. Bree: It was just an observation. Sylvia: Yeah, a stupid one. Bree: Okay. (chuckles) This has been... lovely. We really should, um, do it again sometime. Sylvia: You think I'm making this up? We were lovers. I can prove it. He has a snake tattoo on his right shoulder. I licked it. Bree: Be that as it may, I really think you should go now. Sylvia: No one believes me! She has you all brainwashed! Bree: Sylvia, where are you going? Sylvia, you need to come out of there. Sylvia: Ask Adam! He'll tell you the truth! Bree: Well, Adam is not here, and there is a tornado coming. And as you may have gleaned from the batteries and bottled water, that bathroom is where we are planning on riding it out. So would you please be a dear and come on out? Sylvia: Go get Adam! -----------------------------------------------------------[Orsons clinic] Orson: And...open wide. Susan: Orson, we need to talk. Orson: (drilling stops) Susan. I'm with a patient. Susan: Yeah, I can see that. Hi. I'm his neighbor. Cute shoes. Why the hell would you give Mike drugs? Orson: Uh...Mrs. Kowalsky... (clears throat) We're gonna step out for just a moment. Susan: No need. I'll be quick. 'Cause I'm sure you have a very good reason for giving Mike pills when you know that he has a drug problem. So...what is your very good reason? Okay, this may take a while. You might want to spit. Orson: Mike was having a lot of pain with his shoulder. Susan: Oh, of course, and you know all about shoulder pain...being a dentist. Orson: I thought I was helping. Susan: By giving pills to an addict? Does that sound helpful to you, Mrs. Kowalsky? Mrs. Kowalsky: Ahh Susan: Thank you. Finally, some sanity. Orson: Susan, you have to leave. Susan: Fine. But you know, if I find out that you have given Mike so much as a breath mint, trust me, there is not enough novocaine in this office to numb the pain I will inflict on you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house-porch] Jeremy: Hi, Miss Britt. You need some bottled water before the storm hits? Edie: Well, thanks, Jeremy. Jeremy: 20 bucks. Edie: Hold it. You are price gouging right before a tornado? Jeremy: I was just trying to make so money.
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Edie: You really wanna make some money? Go hit up Gabrielle Solis. She hasn't met a price tag she didn't like. Jeremy: I already tried. She and Mr. Solis are moving. Edie: Moving? Jeremy: Yeah. They're loading up their car and everything. They didn't tell you? Edie: Well, they probably didn't want a big emotional scene. Too bad. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes car] Note reads: See me. Susan. [Susans house] Susan: What was I supposed to do, Mike? Leave 'em in your truck? I'm not gonna sit back and watch you spin out of control. Mike: Out of control? Have I ever missed a mortgage payment? Susan: What? Mike: Or disappeared for days on end, or O.D. end in an alley? No. I go to work every day. I help out around the house. I take care of you and Julie. What's the problem? Susan: What's the problem? Let's see. You lied to me. Uh, your drug dealer almost dated my daughter. You lied to me some more, and then I find out that you hit up my best friend's husband for more pills. Mike: You're blowing this out of proportion. Susan: And you're kind of yelling at me-also a problem. Mike: I'm sorry. I'm in pain. Susan: You might think you have things under control, but they're only gonna get worse...and with a baby on the way. Mike: I'm sick of explaining myself if I need a pill now and then, I'll take one. So where are they? I'm serious, Susan. Give 'em to me. Susan: Forget it. Mike: Hey, don't walk away from me! Susan! Susan: Let go of me! Aah! Oh! [Hospital] TV news: And we are now getting reports of two more tornadoes touching down outside mount pleasant. We can confirm 6 dead and more than 200 injured, with the total only expected to rise Mike: My wife needs to be seen immediately. She's pregnant. She fell down the stairs. Nurse: Any bleeding? Susan: Uh, no. Nurse: Cramping? Susan: Uh, I think I just twisted my ankle, but i would like to get checked out anyway. Nurse: Sure, but for non-emergency cases, it's gonna be a long wait. Mike: Well, she's pregnant. Doesn't that make it an emergency? Nurse: Sir, I'm sorry. You're just gonna have to wait. Susan: It's okay. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: How could you not have told me Sylvia was here? Adam: I was trying not to upset you. Katherine: Well, you failed. At least if you had warned me, I wouldn't have been blindsided when she showed up on our front lawn.
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Adam: I'm sorry. Look, I'll call the police. I'll get a restraining order. I'll do whatever it takes to get this woman out of our lives. Katherine: Bree. Hello. Bree: Hi, Katherine. Could I borrow Adam for a second? I have a...situation on my hands. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: She's over there, First door on the left, and please hurry. Katherine: What is she doing there in the first place? Bree: I saw her weeping. I wanted to help. Katherine: You wanted dirt, and I'll bet she told you plenty. Bree: I can't help having a sympathetic face. Adam: Sylvia? I need you to come out here, okay? Sylvia: Adam? Is that you, darling? Katherine: Don't call him that! Sylvia: Katherine?! I'm not coming out if she's here! Katherine: I'm not leaving you alone with my husband. Bree: Just come out! I'll get rid of her! Adam: Ladies. Katherine: So what'd she tell you? Bree: That she had an affair with Adam. Katherine: Well, she didn't. She was his patient--a pathetic, lonely woman. One day, for no other reason than sheer pity, he gave her a little kiss. Sylvia took this to mean that they were in love. And when Adam told her otherwise, she had a breakdown and accused him of sexual assault. Bree: Oh, my god. What did you do? Katherine: We settled out of court. I wanted to fight it, but Adam was afraid of losing his license. Of course, we lost everything else-our home, our... (chuckles) savings and our friends. Bree: So this is why you moved back to Fairview? Katherine: It was supposed to be our fresh start. So...now you know our dirty little secret. Bree: Well, Katherine, for what it's worth...I would've spit in her face, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys basement] Ida: What's that noise? Is...is that the tornado? Mrs. McCluskey: Worse. It's the Scavos. Lynette: Hey, we're here! Mrs. McCluskey: I know! Tom: All right, guys. Come on. Stake out your places. Preston: This is our spot! We called it! Parker: You can't call a spot this soon! Preston: Can so! (Boys shouting indistinctly) Twin: Ow, my head! Mrs. McCluskey: Lynette? I'm begging. Lynette: Oh. Sorry. Kinda get used to it. Come here. Give that to mama. (shouting continues) Hey, guys? Come on now. Knock it off. Here you go. And... first base, second base, third base, sit. We gonna have a nice, quiet tornado watch, and nobody's gonna cause any problems.
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Tom: Is there a cat here? Ida: Oh, yes. I brought Toby. Mrs. McCluskey: Is something wrong? Lynette: I didn't realize there'd be a cat. Tom's really allergic. Tom: It sets off my asthma. Lynette: Ida, is there any chance that we could put little Toby upstairs? Ida: Upstairs? Lynette: Yeah. He'd be very safe. We could put him in a closet. Ida: Sure. Why don't we put penny with him, since it's safe? Lynette: (chuckles) what? Mrs. McCluskey: Toby is Ida's baby, Lynette. Lynette: No, Toby's an animal, and my husband, a human being, will get very sick if he stays down here, so, please, put the cat upstairs. Mrs. McCluskey: Look, I invited Ida to come here. You, I'm doing a favor for. If you're not happy with the accommodations, you're free to leave. Tom: Hey, I'll just stay over here. (chuckles) May-maybe it won't get any worse. Lynette: No, that's ridiculous. Karen, come on. Mrs. McCluskey: Sorry. The cat stays. Lynette: Knock yourself out. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Doctor: Start him on I.V. Woman: I'll be with you in one minute! Susan: Are you okay? Mike: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm just worried about you. How long are they gonna keep us waitin'? Susan: Are you sure that's all it is? Mike: (scoffs) Hey! Hey, we were here way before these people. Doctor: Sir, they're seeing everyone on an emergency basis. This woman is hemorrhaging. Danny, can you take her in? Mike: What, you gotta see blood before you'll treat somebody? My wife's pregnant, and she fell down a flight of stairs. Doctor: I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to be patient. Susan: These people are bleeding. I can absolutely wait. Mike: I'm just asking them to take a look at you, okay? Hell, you could've done it while you're standing here talking to me, right? Doctor: Sir, we'll get to your wife as soon as we can. Now please take a seat. Mike: Just take a look at her! Get the hell off of me! Susan: Mike, stop! Mike: Whoa! Uhh! Woman doctor: I need security here now. Loudspeaker: Dr. Roth, blood lab 7. Dr. Roth, blood lab 7. Mike: Hey. When you gonna let me out of these things? Security guard: When your wife's done and you're ready to go home. Susan: The doctor said the baby's fine.
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Mike: Oh, thank god. Susan: Yeah. Mike: And, uh, your ankle? Susan: Just a mild sprain. How you doing? Mike: I've had better days. I am so sorry. Susan: It's gonna be okay. I talked to the doctor, and, um, they have a rehab facility they work with. Mike: Thanks. I don't need rehab. I can kick this myself. I've done it before. Susan: You keep saying that, and it just keeps getting worse. Mike: Susan, look at me. I'm handcuffed to a chair. I think I've hit bottom here. I will fix this. Just no rehab. Nurse#2: Mrs. Delfino? The doctor asked me to give you these, for the pain. Susan: Oh, my god. Are you kidding me? Mike: I've kind of had a rough day here. Susan: No. Mike: (whispers) Susan...(normal voice) I've just gotta get through is. Susan: No. There's no tomorrow. It's now. You will quit this now. You will go to rehab, or so help me, I will leave you. I will take this baby, and I will leave you. Mike: You win. I'll go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Al: Gabrielle?! Edie: Excuse me? Al: Sorry. I'm in a rush. My wife's alone with the kids, and I have to get home before the storm hits. This is the information Carlos asked for. Edie: About what? Al: About the Cayman island account. Didn't he tell you I was coming? Edie: Yeah, of course he did. Uh, he said you'd be stopping by. Duh. Al: This is everything you need to access the money. I washed my hands of this, so whatever you do, don't lose that folder. Got it? Edie: Believe me, I won't let it out of my sight. Al: All right. Nice to finally meet you, Gabrielle. You're just as pretty as Carlos said you were. Edie: Oh, no. I'm prettier. Gabrielle: Edie, what have you got there?! Oh, crap! -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys basement] News anchor: Residents are advised to seek shelter at once. Again, do not evacuate. Stay where you are and seek shelter in a basement or any windowless room. Lynette: You okay? Tom: My throat is closing up. I think I gotta go upstairs. Lynette: No. No, no, no, no, no. You stay here. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Gabrielle: Edie, you thief! Open this door now! Edie: I've called the police! They're on their way, and they are going to taser your ass! Gabrielle: Oh! Edie: Gaby?
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Gabrielle: Oh, good. You're home. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys house] Mrs. McCluskey: Lynette! What-what the hell did I tell you?! Lynette: I'm not gonna sit and watch my husband suffocate. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, I don't want Ida to wake up and find her cat missing. Lynette: Karen, after all our years of friendship, how can you choose a cat over my husband? Mrs. McCluskey: You think we're friends? Lynette: Of course. Mrs. McCluskey: Really? You ever stop by just to say hi or invite me for a cup of tea? Ida does. Lynette: What are you talking about? I had you over for lemonade last week. Mrs. McCluskey: While I was drinking it, you went to the store, and I watched the kids. Face it. The only time we're friends is when you need something. Lynette: That is not true. I genuinely care about you. Mrs. McCluskey: You mean like today, when you came by to check on me? Oh, that's right, you only wanted a basement. (meows loudly) Damn it, Toby! Lynette: Hey, hold it! Hold it! You can't go out there! Mrs. McCluskey: That stupid cat is the only family that Ida's got! Now this is what friends do! Lynette: Karen! -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Gabrielle: Give me the damn folder, Edie! Edie: (singsong voice) Not gonna happen! Gabrielle: It's worthless to you! Edie: (normal voice) oh! You and Carlos are screwed without it, and that is worth a lot to me. Gabrielle: Give me my money! Edie: Ah! (scoffs) your money? Carlos embezzled it. Gabrielle: Oh, now you're moral all of a sudden? You didn't care where the money was coming from when you thought Carlos was gonna spend it on you! Edie: Okay, I'm not unreasonable. Cut me in for, say, 60%, and I'll go away. How's that sound? No! (growls) [Street] Gabrielle: Aah! Edie: Get you! Gabrielle: Aah! Edie! Edie: Give me that! Gabrielle: No! Edie: Let go! Gabrielle: No, you! Edie: Let go! Gabrielle: You! Aah! Oh! Oh! No! No! What did you do?! What did you do, Edie?! Edie: Get in the house. Now! Mrs. McCluskey: Toby! Toby. Lynette: Karen! You gotta get inside now! Mrs. McCluskey: He's right there! Lynette: Damn it! I'm not gonna let you die, so don't make me drag you!
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Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, crap. Lynette: Oh! Hurry!Oh! Go! No! Come on! Come on! Come on, come on! Get in! -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: I have a crawl space. (loud bang) I think we can both fit. Gabrielle: You just threw my money in a tornado. I am not getting in there with you. Edie: Fine! Then stay out there and die. Gabrielle: Move your ass! Edie: Oh! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Adam: Come on, Sylvia. Please open the door. Sylvia. Orson: Thank god you're here. We need to get into the bathroom. Bree: We can't. There's a woman in there. Orson: Well, tell her to hurry it up. Bree: No, no, no, she's barricaded herself in there. Adam: She's a patient of mine who's had a little meltdown. Just give me five minutes. Orson: We don't have time. There's a funnel cloud out there. Bree: Sylvia! Open the damn door! Sylvia: Go to hell! Orson: Quick! In here, in here. Come on. Quickly. Quickly. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Come on! Hurry up! Go! Get in, get in! Get in! Uhh! Hang on! Hang onto this! -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house-crawl space] Gabrielle: Can I say something? Edie: What? Gabrielle: I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you, and I wish it didn't happen the way it did, and I-I just want you to know that. Edie: Why are you talking like that? Gabrielle: Well, I thought just in case weEdie: Oh, no, you don't. You just shut the hell up. We're not doing deathbed confessions here. We're gonna get through this. I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come. Gabrielle: You really hate me? Edie: Yes. (sighs) no. (sighs) It's just that I really let myself fall for him, Which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you. Gabrielle: Oh. Well, I'm still sorry, though. Edie: (softly) I said shut the hell up. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: I think it's possible Benjamin might need changing. Katherine: That went beyond the hypothetical a good ten minutes ago. Bree: We're giving you shelter. You could at least be gracious. Katherine: We wouldn't need shelter if you hadnt dragged us over here. Bree: Oh, so now it's my fault that that lunatic commandeered our safe room?
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Katherine: If you hadn't been dying to know our business, she wouldn't have gotten in there. Adam: Can we stop pointing fingers? This isn't Bree's fault. Katherine: You're right. Sorry. But you can understand why I'm upset, having that insane woman back in our lives. Bree: I can only imagine. I had to listen to her babble for an hour. Adam: What kind of things was she saying? Bree: She said that she and Adam were lovers and she could prove it because he had a tattoo, and... Katherine: What? Bree: She said he had a tattoo on his shoulder, which I know isn't true because I've seen him at the pool, And I would've remembered 'cause tattooed people make me very uncomfortable. Katherine: Did she say what kind of tattoo it was? Bree: Um... A snake. What's the difference? He doesn't have one. Katherine: He did...back in Chicago. He had it removed. Bree: Oh. Sorry. Adam: Katherine... Katherine: So... that's why we settled? why we lost everything? Adam: I'm sorry, but you have to understandKatherine: No, I do not. Adam: Sorry. Katherine: (whispers) Not here. Not now. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Gaby! Change of plans! We gotta get in the basement now! Gaby? (sighs) Damn it. Where are you? Where's Gaby? Victor: I thought she was with you. I don't know where she is. I guess we'll have to wait for her together. Carlos: (sighs) Do you mind if I say something? Look, Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. But... I don't know. It's like we're two halves of the same person or somethin'. And when we're apart, w...we just aren't happy, which is why we...we never set out to hurt you, Victor, and I'm sorry we did. Victor: Are you done? Carlos: Yeah. [Outside] Victor: Come on, Carlos! You better get in the house! You could get hurt out here! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Sylvia: Adam! Hello! Where is everyone?! Orson: Did you hear that? Sylvia: Adam, I'm leaving! This is your last chance to come with me, or I'm gonna tell everyone exactly what happened! Okay. You've made your choice! Here I go! -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house-crawl space] Gabrielle: Aah! It's here. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It was supposed to be a beautiful day. But then the winds came and changed everything...and not just the houses and the lawns.
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Lynette: Oh, my god. Mary Alice Voiceover: The people had changed, too. While the storm had raged, each of them had learned something...about friendship...and forgiveness...and redemption.And some had learned the hardest lesson of all...That life is always fragile and very often...unfair. Lynette: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Tom! Help me! Help me, Tom! ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X10 Welcome to Kanagawa -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Carlos: The accountant's dropping off the papers for my Cayman island account. Al: This is everything you need to access the money. Mary Alice Voiceover: Edie got an opportunity...But lost it. Mary Alice Voiceover: Mike... Susan: You will go to rehab, or so help me, I will leave you. Mary Alice Voiceover:made a promise. Mike: I'll go. I keep thinking about what we covered up. Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine's aunt was determined to reveal the truth... Mary Alice Voiceover:and Victor...was a victim of the tornado...that brought devastation... Lynette: Oh, my god! Mary Alice Voiceover:to Wisteria Lane. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Once the tornado had passed, it began. A man gave his coat to a stranger in need...a woman shared her food with those just passing by...a teenager reunited a dog with its worried owner. These are the things that happen in the wake of any great disaster. People start to perform small acts of kindness. They do what they can to help, all the while knowing...it won't be enough. [Ruin Outside Mrs. McCluskeys house] Lynette: Why is it taking so long? They should be going faster. Bree: The fire captain said they have to go slowly. They don't want debris suddenly collapsing into the basement. Mrs. McCluskey: Has anyone heard from Gaby? Susan: Uh, she went to the hospital with Carlos. He was pretty banged up, but they say he's gonna be okay. Bree: Thank god. Lynette: Why can't we hear them? If my kids are alive, they would be yelling. Tom would be yelling. Susan: Okay, Lynette, listen to me. They are all going to be fine. I know it. Lynette: Okay. You really, really, really think so? Susan: Yes, yes, I do. I do. So I want you to go over to those paramedics, and I want you to let them look at these cuts. Because you don't want to be all bloody when they pull your kids out of there, do you? Lynette: No. No, I guess not. Edie: What are you doing? Susan: What?
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Edie: You don't know if her kids are gonna be okay. Susan: I'm just trying to comfort her. Edie: By giving her false hope? Susan: What do you suggest we do? Edie: Well, you should be saying," Lynette, this could end badly. So you should start preparing yourself for that now." Bree: Edie, if you say that to Lynette, so help me god, I will wring your neck. Susan: And I will help her. Edie: Tom and Ida and the kids are buried under that rubble. I mean, what is it with you people? Why aren't you willing to face the facts? Mrs. McCluskey: Because we're hoping for a miracle. Edie: A miracle? Mrs. McCluskey: Maybe, just maybe, if we stop flapping our gums, and we start asking god to take care of our folks, he might just help us out. Edie: So you think a prayer circle is going to help Lynette? Mrs. McCluskey: Once you get to my age, you'll find it a lot easier to believe that god really does answer prayers. So if you can just hang on two more years... Edie: Don't. Bree: You know, maybe a moment of silence wouldn't be such a bad idea. Fireman: Hey, guys! We got someone! Lynette: Hi! Parker: Mom! Porter: Mom! Preston: Mom! Kayla: Mom! Lynette: Oh, my god! Susan: Come on, Tom. Fireman: Straight ahead, sir. Go ahead. Right over there. Lynette: Oh, my god. Mrs. McCluskey: Where's Ida? Tom! Where's Ida? Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, in the wake of a great tragedy, people do what they can to help...all the while knowing...it won't be enough. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The morning after the tornado, the residents of Wisteria Lane began to sort through the devastation and slowly started picking up the pieces of their lives. Bob Hunter found part of his fountain in the middle of the street. Bree Hodge found her lawn mower next to her coffee table. And Kayla Scavo discovered her music box in a tree...among... other things. [Hospital] Doctor: She had your address in her pocket, but there was no other I.D. Did you know her? Adam: Sort of. Her name is Sylvia Greene. Doctor: Is she local? Adam: I knew her from Chicago. She was... visiting. Doctor: Okay, I guess that's all we need. Would you like me to follow up with you after we contact the family? Katherine: No.
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Adam: So...I guess this means it's over. Katherine: The fact that she is dead does not change the fact that you slept with her. Adam: I know it doesn't. I made a terrible mistake, and I am so sorry, Katherine. Katherine: I'm sure you are. I want you out of my house tonight. Adam: You don't mean that. Katherine: Yes, I do. It's over. As far as I'm concerned, you could be lying on that slab right next to her. -----------------------------------------------------------[3 Days Later Idas house] Mrs. McCluskey: Come on, Ida. You can watch us pack from up here. Lynette: Wow, the things you accumulate in a lifetime, huh? Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah, especially if you never throw anything out. Lynette: Hahaha, so her niece and nephew are taking all this stuff back to Nebraska? Mrs. McCluskey: Well, the stuff that'll sell on Ebay. I'm guessing the rest will end up in a dumpster. Lynette: What's all this baseball stuff? There's a mitt and a jersey. Was this her husband's? Mrs. McCluskey: No, that was Ida's from her pro baseball days. Lynette: Yeah, right. Oh, you're serious? Mrs. McCluskey: Ida played in the All-American girls league during world war II. You didn't know that? Lynette: No. Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, she was a superstar. Arm like a cannon. People said she could throw a porkchop past a hungry wolf. Lynette: Ida? I have trouble seeing her as the leadoff hitter for anything other than osteoporosis. Mrs. McCluskey: She made the only unassisted triple play in league history...right here in Granville field,1944. That's why she wants her ashes scattered there. Lynette: How did I not know this? Parker: Daddy said you were over here. Can I help? Lynette: You realize we're cleaning, right? We're not eating candy. Mrs. McCluskey: That's sweet, Parker, but we've got everything under control here if you want to go play. Parker: No, I want to do something nice for Mrs. Greenberg. She sort of saved my life. Lynette: What do you mean? Parker: When the house started shaking, and daddy was passed out by his asthma...Mrs. Greenberg made us all go under the stairs. Lynette: But that's not where they found her. Parker: Yeah. There wasn't enough room for her. She said she'd be okay in the corner. Mrs. McCluskey: Uh, Parker, you want to help? Ida has some ice cream in the freezer that needs eating before it goes bad. Go on. (to Lynette) I know what you're thinking, but don't. If you'd been there, it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Orson: Susan, we can't thank you enough. Opening your home to us-- it's so generous. Bree: It's a horrible feeling to literally not have a roof over your head, and that smoky fleabag hotel just wasn't safe for a newborn. Susan: Please, this is what best friends do...right before their friendship ends. Julie: Why did you agree to let her stay? Susan: How do you say no to someone in need? That wasn't rhetorical. Seriously, you got anything? Julie: I know you feel guilty because she let us stay with her once, but don't you remember how miserable were? Susan: Oh, yeah. Every cup needs a coaster. Every coaster needs a doily. Every doily needs daily laundering.
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This woman is gonna drive me out of my freakin'(to Bree and Orson) Hey, roomies. You need help? Orson: No, we've got it under control. Bree: Oh, and, uh, listen. Bob and lee introduced us to this wonderful contractor, so we won't be imposing for long. Susan: Imposing. Who's imposing? You can stay as long as you want. (to Julie) I'm sorry. The words came out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying. Julie: Then stop talking, and don't be so nice. Otherwise, she'll just take the place over. Bree: Hey, Susan, Orson likes to sleep with the window open. Do you mind if we rearrange the furniture? Julie: (lip language and gesture No!) Susan: Sounds good to me! -----------------------------------------------------------[Church funeral service] Milton: Hello, Gabrielle. Gabrielle: Milton. Hi. It's a nice turnout. Milton: Victor was loved by a lot of people. It's gonna be a very emotional day. You seem remarkably composed. Gabrielle: Oh, no, no. I'm a mess-- You know, on the inside, where the mascara can't run. Milton: Ah, I see. The reading of the will is today. Gabrielle: Is it? I'd forgotten. Milton: I thought you'd be curious as to how much you'll inherit. Gabrielle: No. I'm not thinking about money today. I'm burying my husband. Milton: Of course. It's just, I, uh...spoke to the executor of the will, and I have a ballpark figure of what you'll be getting. Gabrielle: Well, I guess there's nothing disrespectful about a ballpark figure. Milton: You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve--nothing. Gabrielle: Okay, I made a mistake. I'm sorry, but Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had. Milton: Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family-- the operative word being "family." Everything's in my name... always was. The service is starting. I think it's time for you to go. Gabrielle: Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral. Milton: I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances. Gabrielle: Go to hell. Milton: I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this pew when I reach the pulpit, I'm going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying who*e. See? I told you it was gonna be an emotional day. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lee and Bobs house] Bree: Hello, boys. Bob, Lee, I baked you some muffins to thank you for introducing me to Walter here. And, Walter, I decided you're absolutely right. Dark shingles are the way to go. Why are you all staring at me? Walter: I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna be able to fix your house. Bree: What? Walter: I've just had some bad news in my personal life. Oh, good heavens. I hope no one's died, which is the only possible excuse I'd accept. Walter: No, it's not--it's not that. It's just...I don't want to get into it. Bree: Walter, I can't find a contractor now. Everybody is booked for the next year. Walter: I'm sorry.
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Bree: Walter. Walter. Walter, I'm begging you. Please. I'm living like a vagabond in a teenage girl's bedroom. I'm sleeping under a poster of Orlando bloom. You can't leave me. Walter: Yeah, well, sometimes people do that. They just leave. Bree: This is a nightmare. What is going on? Bob: Walter went rough a bad breakup, and today he found out that his ex moved in with someone else. Bree: Oh, for god sakes. Tell him to put on his big boy pants and find another girl. Lee: Who says it's a girl? Bree: Walter's gay? Lee: Yes. He can build home and decorate them. Sometimes god gives with both hands. Bree: Well, then you just have to fix him up with someone, give him back his will to work. Bob: Yeah, about that-- uh, most of our friends are 9s, and Walter--we love him-- but kind of a 3. Lee: And in the gay world, 3 does not go into 9. Bree: Well, we'll just have to find him someone who's not good at gay math. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house front door] Susan: (on phone) Well, I drove all the way out there, and I waited for hours and then they wouldn't let me see him. Uh, no. They just said that I should--I should call you. Listen, I know it's a 30-day rehab. I'm not trying to break him out. I'm just trying to see him. You know what? Could you just call me when you know? Thank you. [Indoor] Julie: Welcome to heaven. Susan: Don't talk. I'm smelling. What is that? Julie: Duck a L'orange. Bree says it's making a comeback. Susan: And our oven is making its debut. Julie: Oh, it gets better. She did our laundry, too. Smell my sock. Susan: Oh, my god! I want to eat that. Julie: She dusts. She irons. Oh, and she does this magic trick. No matter where you throw your sweater, within seconds, it's on a hanger. Susan: This has just replaced your birth as the best day of my life. Bree: Oh, hi, Susan. I hope you don't mind that I made dinner. Susan: I hope you don't mind that I'm going to kiss you. Bree: You're funny. Now I need you to be honest about this recipe. It's a dry run for a small dinner party I'm having tomorrow night. Again, if you don't mind. Susan: Not at all. In--in fact, if you wanna do a dry run for Sunday brunch, I'm there for you. Bree: Dinner will be ready shortly. Oh, and, Julie, I fixed the hem on that blue skirt of yours. It's on your bed. Julie: My hem is fixed? She's like the mother I never had. Oh, oh, no offense. Susan: Oh, none taken. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Gabrielle: Hey. How you feeling? Carlos: Uh, not so great. Gabrielle: Well, they should give you something for the pain. Carlos: They gave me this button that I can press, but I'm trying not to use it, 'cause the drugs make me feel a little to mellow. Was the funeral sad? Gabrielle: Tragic. I found out everything Victor had is in Milton's name, and he told his father about us, so I'm not getting a penny. Carlos: Wow, it's a good thing you hooked up with another rich guy.
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Gabrielle: Yeah... Carlos: Gaby, you sound weird. Why do you sound so weird? Gaby. Gabrielle: Um, remember that day, uh...when Al was going to drop off the account information? Carlos: Oh, my god. He didn't? Gabrielle: No, no, no. He did. It's just...remember how windy it was that day? Carlos: No, no, no. That was the only copy. Gabrielle: I know, but Edie was trying to steal the papers from me, and we got into this fight, and then the tornado just took them away. Carlos: They're gone? Gabrielle: Kinda. Carlos: What is that sound? Gabrielle: I'm texting someone. Carlos: Gaby, that account was our future. What are we gonna do now? Gabrielle: Carlos, just calm down, okay? I'm sure al has an access code or a copy or some super nerd way to get back into the account, okay? I know we can fix this. Carlos: Yeah. Yeah, he could fix it. Gabrielle: Okay. All right, you look very tired, so I'm just gonna go. Carlos: But I'm warning you, Gaby, if we don't find those papers, so help me, I'm... -----------------------------------------------------------[Als house] Gabrielle: Hi. Um, I'm a friend of Al's, and I was wondering if I could see him. Als relative: Of course. Please come in. Right this way. Wreath reads: Dearest Al, Rest in peace Gabrielle: Oh, Al. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Idas house] Carter: Thanks again for your help. Lynette: Well, we'd do anything for your aunt. I hope you know what an amazing woman she was. Erica: Hey, did you guys happen to find a pearl necklace? It's the only valuable thing aunt Ida owned. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, actually, I have it. Yeah, she promised it to me if she kicked the bucket first. Erica: Oh, really? In--in writing? Mrs. McCluskey: I'll be right back. Carter: All right, let's hit the road. Lynette: At about the rest of these boxes? Erica: Oh, that's junk. You can just give 'em away. Hey, listen. Is there a good place we can grab a bite on the way out? Lynette: Um, well, there's a great diner right near Granville field. Erica: Isn't that-- isn't that out of the way? Lynette: Yeah, you stopping there anyway to spread your aunt's ashes? Carter: We're kinda pressed for time. Erica: Yeah, we thought we'd just put her in the family plot back in Omaha. Lynette: You can't do that. Ida wanted her ashes scattered at the field. Erica: Yeah, I know, but that's kinda crazy, don't you think? Lynette: It doesn't matter. She was an amazing woman. You should respect her wishes. Erica: We should get going. Lynette: Hey, I-if you don't have time to do it, I will.
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Erica: Uh, you know, you're not family, so I think that would be inappropriate. Lynette: Look, you're taking her pearls. The least you can do is honor her wishes. Erica: Okay, at the risk of being bi*chy, this is none of your business, so could you please just drop it? Lynette: Fine. And for what it's worth, you passed bi*chy ten minutes ago. Erica: Carter, get the urn. I wanna get outta here. Lynette: Wait! You'll never find it I'll get it for you. Mrs. McCluskey: By the way, I'm staying at Ida's house for a while since, you know, my house is a pile of rubble. Erica: Oh, that's so sad. You've got a week. Lynette: Here you go. Carter: Thanks. Erica: Just put it in the cup holder. -----------------------------------------------------------[Als house] Gabrielle: Excuse me. Are you Al's wife? I'm Gabrielle Lang. Diana: You're the mayor's wife. Of course I recognize you. Gabrielle: So I was shocked to hear about Al. I can't remember the last time I was so devastated. Diana: Didn't you just bury your husband yesterday? Gabrielle: That sucked, too. So what happened to Al? Diana: He was driving home, trying to beat the storm, and he ran into a downed power line...and his car burst into flames. Gabrielle: Oh, sweetie, don't. I want you to remember Al like I do-- at his desk, with a big smile on his face, surrounded by all his files. By the way, where are those files? Diana: I cleared out his office. Gabrielle: Oh, I bet that was hard. So where'd you put 'em? Diana: In the garage. Gabrielle: Which is... Diana: In the back. Gabrielle: Well, look at me, monopolizing the widow. You go mingle. I'm gonna get you a cracker. [Garage] Gabrielle: Oh, crap. Gabrielle: Why do people have to die?! Why, god?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Bree: Oh, thank you so much for letting us take over your dining room. Please. Thank you for making us dinner. Oh, you will be sending up dessert later? Bree: Oh, sure. Just, uh, leave your trays in the hall when you're ready. Bree: Puff pastry? Walter: Thank you. Orson: Oh, here is a nice 12-year-old Scotch to wash that down with. Walter: Uh, look, it's nice of you to invite me for dinner, but if you're hoping to change my mind about doing your roof, I'm just-- I'm really not up to it. Orson: No. No, no, Walter, we--we just heard about your situation and thought you could use a little company. That's all. Bree: Yes, and a nice home-cooked meal. Trust me, there are absolutely no tricks up our sleeve.
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Walter: Uh, I noticed there are four place settings. Is somebody joining us? Andrew: All right, I'm here. What was so important? -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Dylan: What's going on? Adam: I'm moving out. It's been a little weird staying in the guest room of my own house. Dylan: But I thought you and mom were trying to work stuff out. Adam: We are. It's just...your mom thought it might be easier if we gave ourselves a little distance. Dylan: Well, then why doesn't she move out? Adam: Dylan. Dylan: I'm serious. You can't leave me here alone with her. I'll go crazy. Adam: Hey, come on, we're gonna see each other all the time. Dylan: Why does she always have to win? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Walter: Yeah, I'm thinking of starting my trip in Paris. Todd and I talked about going there, but now I'm thinking of doing it myself. Bree: Walter recently split up with his life partner Todd. They were gay. Orson: Small world, huh? Walter: How is it small, exactly? Bree: Andrew is also an out-and-proud homosexual. Orson: He's here, he's queer, and we're used to it. Andrew: Since when? Bree: You know what else you two have in common? A love of boots. Orson: Andrew has some beautiful boots. Oh, I can only imagine the fun you two would have in the boot shop. Andrew: Um, mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen. Bree: Oh, thanks, dear. Andrew: With you. [Kichen] Andrew: What are you doing? Bree: I'm just trying to stay out of the way of all those sparks that are flying. Andrew: Sparks? The man's twice my age. Bree: Yes, but he's also-- he's got a great sense of...Okay, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor? Andrew: Oh, my god! Bree: And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to him to get our house fixed, then... Andrew: You're--you're pimping me out for a new roof? Bree: And windows. And I am not pimping you out. I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer. Andrew: Look, if by kindness you mean sex Bree: Watch your mouth. I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them. I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope. Andrew: Fine. For you, I will flirt, I will flatter, and I will charm. Bree: Bless you.
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Andrew: And in exchange, I expect a 60-inch flat screen TV. Bree: Fine, and if you can get him to come in on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound. [Susans bedroom] Susan: No. That Walter guy needs to stay miserable, because if he's not, he'll fix her roof, and then she'll leave us. Julie: Mom, we always knew is couldn't last forever, and she'll still be here another week or two. Susan: That is not enough time. She just started stenciling the kitchen, and I didn't want to tell you this, but there is talk of an herb garden. I've gotta stop her. Julie: How? Susan: I don't know, but I've had a taste of ironed pillowcases, and I am not going back. [Living room] Andrew: Oh, Walter, you got a little right there. Walter: Thank you. Susan: Hey, everybody. I'm sorry to interrupt, but the smell of that apple pie just made my mouth water. Bree: Well, say no more. One slice coming right up. Orson: Oh, Susan Delfino, this is Walter Bierlich. This is Susan's house. She's kind enough to take us in. Walter: Hi. How are you? Bree: All righty. Here you go. Susan: Thanks. Bree: Oh. You're going to eat that...here? Susan: Oh, I'm just gonna visit for a while. So, Andrew, we miss you around here, but I bet you love having your own place. Andrew: Uh, yeah. It's--it's cool. Of--of course, it does get lonely. It'd be nice to have someone stop by once in a while. Susan: Oh, well, you'll reel somebody in. You always do. You should have seen his last boyfriend--Justin. He was so hot. You really had a thing for the young, ripped muscle boys, huh? Orson: Um...he did at one time, but Andrew's outgrown that. He realized the folly of being so shallow. Bree: Exactly, and now, um, his tastes have gone to the more mature, cultured types, like, uh, Walter here. Susan: Oh! This is a fix-up? Well, I just--it never would have occurred to me, you know, because of the vast age difference. But, hell. Why not? Life is short. Certainly shorter for Walter. Bree: Susan. Susan: Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I mean, I think it's great. You should grab love wherever you can find it. Who cares if your friends think that you're paying for it? Bree: Oh, so why don't you take this piece of pie upstairs to Julie? Walter: No, she's right. That's exactly what my friends would think. Orson: Well, then you need new friends. Walter: Hey, listen. You know what? You seem like a nice guy, and it would be great to parade you in front of my ex, but, uh, then I'd be using you. Bree: Well, he doesn't mind. Andrew: No, parade me. Orson: He's got a mesh tank top that would bring your ex to tears. Walter: Yeah, well, you know, as tempting as that sounds, you know, I'm just not ready to date, so...thank you so much for the dinner. Bree: Walter, wait! Susan: Well, I guess I'll just bring this pie up to Julie. Bree: You. Sit.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Granville field] Mrs. McCluskey: So is someone meeting us here or what? Lynette: Well, here's the thing. I called the general manager to ask if we could scatter the ashes here, and he said absolutely not. Mrs. McCluskey: So how are we getting in? Oh, Lynette. Lynette: Hey, you've abetted. Might as well aid. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Bree: Leave us. Susan: Okay, I know that it sounds selfish, but I did what I did because I want you to stay. Bree: Why? I-I thought you'd want your house back. Susan: Well, yeah, sure, someday, but right now I just love having you take care of me. All the cooking and the cleaning and the alphabetizing...it's helping me feel like I'm not just about to fall apart. Bree: Oh, sweetie, you're okay. Susan: No. I'm pregnant, and my husband's in rehab, and the only reason I seem sane is because you're here, making my house feel like a home. Bree: This is a conversation that could benefit from some homemade chocolate chip cookies. Susan: Can I have milk, too? Bree: I'll be right back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Granville field - night] Lynette: Do you maybe want to say something first? Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, uh, yeah, I guess so. Oh. Um..."Do not stand at my grave and weep. Um, "I'm--I'm not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am...the diamond glints of snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn's rain. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die." Lynette: That was lovely. Mrs. McCluskey: Let's dump her. And try not to stand downwind. Lynette: She played third base, right? Mrs. McCluskey: Right. Right, right, right. Lynette: Oh, my goodness. Mrs. McCluskey: Wait. Uh, sorry. Shortstop. Lynette: Oh, yeah. Okay. Mrs. McCluskey: No, it was third. Lynette: Damn it, Karen. I'm running out of Ida. Cop #1: Okay, don't move! Stay right where you are and show me your hands. Lynette: Okay, split up, and I'll meet you back at the car. Go! Manager: Hey, hey! Right there! Lynette: Oh! Cop #1: Lady, get back here! Manager: Come on. Come on. Uhh! Come on! Mrs. McCluskey: Run, Jane Doe, run! Manager: Just grab her! Cop #1: Hey, stop, hey! Manager: I got her. Mrs. McCluskey: Come on.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Gabrielle: So when I finally came clean, his wife told me she shredded anything that had to do with offshore accounts. She was protecting Al. Carlos: So we're broke. Gabrielle: I'm so sorry, honey. I-I know this is bad, but we have each other. We'll get married again, and everything will be fine. For richer, for poorer, right? Carlos: In sickness and in health. Gabrielle: The whole nine yards. I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria and get us a couple of ginger ales to toast our future. Hey, doctor. He's looking better and better every day. Keep up the good work. Doctor: You haven't told her yet, have you? Carlos: I'm working on it. Doctor: Carlos, I know you're scared, but give her some credit. She's not gonna leave you because you lost your sight. Carlos: You don't know Gaby. -----------------------------------------------------------[Ruin - night] Mrs. McCluskey: Thank god those cops let us off with a warning. I was this close to my third strike. Lynette: I'm just glad we gave Ida what she wanted. Mrs. McCluskey: It's a beautiful thing you did. Lynette: Then why don't I feel better? Mrs. McCluskey: I don't know. Why don't you? Lynette: Because it wasn't enough, not compared to what she did for me. She saved my kids. She's this amazing woman, and I never bothered to get to know her, so, yeah, I sprinkled her ashes, but it would have been nice to do something before she was ashes. Mrs. McCluskey: That's a lesson we all gotta learn over and over--appreciate people while we still got 'em. Lynette: Yep. Third strike? What were the first two? Mrs. McCluskey: It's a long story. That requires a pitcher of beer and a dark bar. Lynette: I got time for that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room. Adam: I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leaving because you want me to. I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you. Katherine: Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine. Whatever. You're leaving me. Adam: Oh, yeah, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you. You told me it was all his fault, and now I find out it was yours. We're about even in the betrayal department now. In fact...I think you win. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It had been seven days since a tornado devastated Wisteria Lane, and the residents continued to pick up the pieces of their lives. Some salvaged precious friendships. Some uncovered colorful histories. Others found challenges they hadn't expected. And then...there was one girl...who stumbled upon the truth she'd long been searching for...only...to wish she hadn't. ~The End~
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Desperate Housewives 4X11 Sunday -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree moved in... Susan: You can stay as long as you want. Mary Alice Voiceover: Mike went to rehab... Mike: I will fix this. Mary Alice Voiceover: Carlos faced a permanent illness... Dr. Dunlap: She's not gonna leave you because you lost your sight. Carlos: You don't know Gaby. Mary Alice Voiceover: Dylan had questions about her father... Katherine: The only thing you need to know about that man is he was a monster. Dylan: Why would you not tell me that? Mary Alice Voiceover: And Adam uncovered a secret... Adam: You told me it was all his fault. Now I find out it was yours. Mary Alice Voiceover:that one person wished he hadn't. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine Mayfair was not the kind of woman who liked to relive the past. But when her husband Adam left her, Katherine's life began to unravel, and the mistakes of her youth started to flash through her mind. She thought of Wayne Davis, the first man she married...and the first time he had hit her. She thought of how sincerely he apologized...and how meaningless his apologies were...and how she finally decided...to hit back. These were the thoughts going through Katherine's mind....when her friends and neighbors arrived...bearing gifts. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: Well, hello there. What's all this? Bree: We brought you muffins. Susan: And jam. Katherine: Okay, uh, what's the occasion? Lynette: Well, we heard you were having a rough time. Gabrielle: So we just wanted you to know that we're here for you. Katherine: Ah, so word is out that Adam's left me, and you thought that muffins and jam would help me pick up the pieces. Susan: The jam was Bree's idea. Bree: Susan! Susan: I wanted to bring flowers, and I was shot down. That's all I'm saying. Lynette: Katherine, we didn't come here to upset you. Gabrielle: No, we thought that you just might need someone to talk to. Katherine: No, you just thought you'd get the juicy details. Lynette: No, we came here. We wanted to help you, to fix you lunch or clean your house. Or offer up our own houses for you to clean, if that's your thing. Katherine: I'm fine, truly, and I do appreciate your concern, but... you know... Lynette: Okay.
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Susan: I told them you weren't into jam. Bree: Susan! (to Katherine) Look, I don't mean to pry, but given what I know about you and Adam, I'm surprised he was the one to do the leaving. Katherine: Well, Bree, the truth is...I really don't want to talk about it. Bree: I understand, but whatever you do, don't keep your feelings bottled up. You've got to let'em out. Katherine: I'll do that. -----------------------------------------------------------[In the wood] Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Katherine Mayfair was not a woman who liked to relive the past. But lately, her life had begun to unravel. And she couldn't help thinking of all the mistakes she had made...and especially...the ones she had buried. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It happened once a week on Wisteria Lane like clockwork. The faithful would emerge from their homes in their Sunday best...with their family bibles...and their rosary beads...and they would head off to their various houses of worship, passing by a certain nonbeliever who had never taken an interest in their ritual. But on this day, Lynette Scavo, for the first time in her life, was struck by something... [Lynettes house] Twin: Get the ball. Mary Alice Voiceover: something she would later think of as divine inspiration. Lynette: We should go to church. Tom: What? Why? What did we do? Lynette: Ah, it's just...We've been through a lot lately, and we have a lot to be thankful for. Don't you think we owe the big guy a little face time? Tom: Fine, fine. We'll go to church...next week. Lynette: Tom...I'm serious. Tom: What's the rush? God will still be there next Sunday. The Pistons, on the other hand...They lose today, they're gone for good. Lynette: So I'm clear, you can't be bothered with saving your eternal soul because the pistons have no defense? Tom: Okay, look. You didn't grow up going to church. I did. My parents dragged me to St. Anthony's every Sunday. I've done my time. Lynette: Well, I haven't. I have some questions I would like answered. And I don't know anything about god or Jesus, and our kids don't either. Tom: Well, you don't have to go to church to learn that stuff. Twin: Yeah, I know about Jesus. Tom: See? Twin: He's the guy who helps out Santa Claus. Tom: Get dressed, kids. We're going to church. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Orson: Mm-hmm. right. Bree: Orson, I don't want to be late. Orson: Services don't start till 10:30.
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Bree: Yeah, but I'm sure Edna Fletcher has been there since 9:00, kissing up to Reverend Sykes. Orson: Is this about the Ladies' Auxiliary again? Bree: Damn right. Orson: Bree, please, such language on a Sunday. Bree: I am sorry, but I have to make sure that he doesn't let her chair that committee. Orson: Well, how could he? You plan every pancake breakfast. You organize every bake sale. you'd be a saint if our church believed in that sort of hogwash. Bree: Exactly, and all the while, where was Edna? Lounging around in Zimbabwe in the Peace Corps. She won't let any of us forget it. Orson: Well, I wouldn't worry. Edna's "curing the village of dysentery" story has long since lost its novelty. Bree: Oh, Lynette. Hi. you look pretty. What are you all dressed up for? Lynette: Well, I decided I should go to church today. Yeah, Tom said the same thing. Anyway, since you're the most religious person I know, I was wondering if you would take us to your church. Bree: I would love that. We're--we're leaving right now. you can follow us. Lynette: Great! Just give me a second to sell Tom on the idea. You know, he was raised catholic. Bree: Oh, don't go catholic. All that standing and kneeling and genuflecting--I go for worship, not a workout. Orson: Mm. not to mention the incense, which smells good at first until you feel your breakfast coming back up. Lynette: Okay. Well, I'll be right back. Oh, this is so exciting. I'm going to church. By the way, what am I now? Bree: Presbyterian. Lynette: Right. -----------------------------------------------------------[Church] Father Crowley: Thank you. thank you for coming. Gabrielle: Oh, shoot. Did I miss Mass? Was it at 9:00? Father Crowley: Yes, Gabrielle. 9:00 Mass is still at 9:00. Gabrielle: Oh, that's good to know. Uh, Father, can I talk to you? Father Crowley: Of course. I've actually been expecting you to come by. Gabrielle: Why? Father Crowley: Well, I thought you might need some comforting after your husband's death. Gabrielle: Oh, that. Yeah, I was a little blue, but the good news is, I've bounced back. Father Crowley: Really? Gabrielle: Okay, this may come as a little shock to you...But guess who's getting married again? And I was thinking, maybe you could perform the ceremony. Is Tuesday good for you? Father Crowley: Uh...Victor's only been dead two weeks. Gabrielle: Yeah, I know, but I'm no good single. Honestly, I don't know how you do it. Father Crowley: Well, who is this man? Did you just meet him? Gabrielle: No. no, no, no, no. it's Carlos. Father Crowley: Carlos? I-I didn't know you two were even speaking. Gabrielle: Oh, yeah. We bumped into each other a few months ago, and we just fell in love all over again. Father Crowley: Uh, a few months ago? But you were married six months ago. Gabrielle: Boy, you are just determined to make this awkward, aren't ya? Father Crowley: Oh, Gabrielle. Gabrielle: Okay, look, in the eyes of the church, Carlos and I were never divorced. Technically, the affair was with Victor, and god smote him. So we're good. All right, yes, I've been a bad catholic. Enough with the guilt thing. are you gonna marry us or not?
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Father Crowley: Fine, as long as you promise to stay married to Carlos for the rest of your life. Gabrielle: Absolutely. Oh, but if I don't, I promise you, I will change religions. Father Crowley: Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Sorry. Tim: No, this is good. Accountants always appreciate it when people take the time to develop a sophisticated filing system. Susan: Are you always this sarcastic with your clients? Tim: Nope, just my favorite cousin. Susan: I so appreciate you helping us out. Mike would be doing our taxes, but he's off... Tim: Getting better. Mom told me. Besides, I'm happy to have the work. Susan: Yeah, I was sorry to hear about your job. You know, ever since N.A.F.T.A., Corporate outsourcing has been the bane of the American worker. Is that right? I heard somebody say that on N.P.R., and I just keep repeating it to people. Tim: Actually, I wish I could blame losing my job on N.A.F.T.A., but it really has more to do with Chloe. My boss' daughter. Susan: Oh, Tim. Tim: I don't know why he got so mad. I mean, she was 18. Susan: Okay, so back to these receipts. Tim: What is it about a girl in a cheerleader outfit? Susan: Done catching up. all about accounting now. Tim: Come on, Susan. you're acting like I'm some sort of creep. Susan: No, I know you're not. Tim: I mean,18's legal. I checked with a lawyer before I did anything. Susan: These receipts are self-explanatory. I'd even know why I'm here. -----------------------------------------------------------[Church] Reverend Sikes: This is the nourishment each soul requires to go from acorn to oak. And this is what should bring us peace in our hearts--The blessed knowledge that god's love for us is as sure as the sunlight and that it is always shining. We only need see it. Amen? All: Amen. Reverend Sikes: Now if you'll take out your hymnals and turn to page 335. Bree: What are you doing? Lynette: I've got a question about his sermon. Bree: What? No. put your hand down. Lynette: It'll just take a sec. Bree: Lynette, please, we don't do that here. Reverend Sikes: Uh, yes, can I help you? Lynette: Hi. I'm Lynette Scavo. I'm a friend of Bree Hodge. And your sermon was lovely, especially the part about the trees. Reverend Sikes: Thank you. Lynette: But here's where you lost me--"God's love is as sure as the sunlight." Reverend Sikes: Yes, absolutely. Bree: There. you have your answer. Now sit. Lynette: The reason I ask is, there are wars all over the world, and it seems like every month, some dumb-ass
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walks into a school and starts shooting children. So I'm thinking, god's love? Not so sure. Orson: Did she just say "dumb-ass"? Reverend Sikes: Ah, the eternal question--"Why do bad things happen to good people?" What you have to remember is, god gave us free will. Much of the evil in the world is brought on by man himself. Bree: Oh, lord. Reverend Sikes: Yes, Lynette? Lynette: Okay, I give you that one. But what about the tornado that just happened? You can't blame man for that. Bree: Get the keys ready. We'll slip out the back. Reverend Sikes: You bring up a big theological issue, one that deserves a lot more time to explore. Why don't you come to our Tuesday night Bible study? We can discuss it then. Lynette: Well, sure. I'm easy. Thanks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Katherine, Dylan, hi. What's up? Dylan: Julie and I have a study date, and my mom wants to apologize for being rude...again. Susan: Is this about the other day? Katherine: Yes. you were just trying to help, and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. Susan: Oh, please. after what you've been through, no one is judging. Come on in. I'll put on some coffee. Oh, um, this is my cousin Tim. Tim, this is the neighbors. Tim: Mrs. Davis? Katherine: Davis? Nobody's called me that in years. Do we know each other? Susan: Oh, of course you do. That's right! This is my cousin Timmy. He stayed with us that summer that he went to band camp. Katherine: Oh! yes. I remember. Gosh, you're all grown up. It's nice to see you again. Tim: You, too. Hold it. Is this little Dylan? Katherine: Can you believe it? Tim: Wow! The last time I saw you, you were pulling a wagon. Oh. Tim: How old are you now? Dylan: I turn 18 next week. Tim: Really? 18? Susan: Julie, Dylan's here! Study time! I'm... sorry. That was probably a little louder than it needed to be. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Carlos ward] Carlos: Edie, is that you? Edie: Oh, my god. You knew it was me just from the sound of my footsteps? Carlos: No, from your perfume. I smelled it the moment you hit the parking lot. Edie: Look, there's no reason to be pissy. I'm here to do something nice. Carlos: Really? Edie: I feel bad about the whole losing-all-of-your-money thing. Even though we know tornado-- clearly not my fault. Um...anyway, I-I thought maybe this...would help. It's the diamond bracelet you gave me. It must be worth thousands of dollars. Do you think you still have the receipt for it? Carlos: Uh... I think I threw it out. Edie: Oh. Well, you said it was from Cartier, right? I'm sure they have some sort of record. Carlos? Carlos: Actually, the box was from Cartier. The bracelet's from...a swap meet. Edie: Hold it. Are you saying that those diamonds are cubic zirconias?
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Carlos: If we're lucky. Edie: You son of a bitch. I gave you my heart, and all you could give me was fake jewelry? Carlos: Edie...I'm sorry. I never thought you'd find out. Edie: I just spat on one of your jell-o cubes. Happy hunting. [Information desk] Edie: Hey, you. Do you know how long it's gonna be until Carlos gets his sight back? Because I have a 2-word sentence I'd like to say to him, and there's a hand gesture that goes along with it. Nurse Wilkins: I don't know. Mr. Solis' condition is very serious. Edie: Serious? What's wrong? Nurse Wilkins: Well...you know, you should really talk to the doctor about this. I don't even think his girlfriend knows. Edie: You mean Gaby? Nurse Wilkins: I'm sorry. I said too much already. Edie: Oh, please don't tell me that's your lunch. Nurse Wilkins: Yeah. I'm sort of on a budget. Edie: No, no, no. if you're gonna give quality care, you're gonna need some quality food. Now I know of this great, little French bistro. It's the perfect place for lunch...and conversation. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house Julies room] Julie: "Your father was murdered." Wow. Dylan: I know. Julie: Are you sure your aunt knew what she was writing? She was pretty sick. Dylan: No, she had it together, even on that last day. I remember Aunt Lily really wanted to tell me something, and then my mom just came in and stopped her. Julie: Does your mom know you found this? Dylan: No, and I'm not gonna tell her either. Why give her another chance to lie to me? That's why I'm going to Adam. I can trust him to tell me the truth. Julie: I just don't get it. I mean, why would your mom lie about your dad being murdered? Dylan: Are you serious? Julie...She's the one who killed him. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital Carlos ward] Gabrielle: Hi, babe. I'm about to do something that's gonna make you very happy. Carlos: Great, but close the curtain first. Last time, the nurse almost walked in when you were about to Gabrielle: Carlos! I have a priest with me. Carlos: Priest? what, is there something the doctors aren't telling me? Gabrielle: No, no, no. I wanted it to be a surprise, but we're getting married! Father, hit it. Father Crowley: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of Carlos: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Gaby, what's the rush? Gabrielle: I don't know. Just after everything we've been through, there's nothing in our way now. We can finally be together. And I really need that. I need a happy ending, Carlos. So what do you say? Will you marry me? Carlos: Okay. Gabrielle: Holy matrimony. Bring it on. Carlos: Gaby, before we get started, there's something that I need to tell you...in private. Gabrielle: Okay, he's gone. What's up?
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Carlos: Look, I haven't been completely honest with you about the extent of my injury. Gabrielle: Okay. Carlos: The doctor says...I might not get my sight back. For three months. four, tops. I-I just want to make sure that you can handle that. Gabrielle: Wow. That's... a really long time. But for better or worse, right? Carlos: Right. Gabrielle: Okay, padre. We're ready. Let's take it from the top. Father Crowley: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of god to join this man and this woman in the holy sacrament of matrimony. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Tim: You're out of milk. You want me to pick some up? Susan: No, that's okay. It can wait. Tim: I don't mind. I could use a little air anyway. Susan: Mm. Hmm. Mm. Tim! where's that milk? Tim: Oh, I thought you didn't want any. uh... Susan: I'm having a baby. I can't give birth with brittle bones. Go! Dylan: Bye! -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house- front door] Lynette: Hey, church buddy. Look what I got. Bree: Wow, you bought a Bible. Lynette: Yeah, and I'm breaking her in tonight. Nothing like that new Bible smell. Bree: Oh, so you're...coming to Bible study. Lynette: Yeah, and I hope the Reverend's ready, cause I got about a zillion questions for him. Bree: Lynette, I-I realize you don't have much experience with churches, so this really isn't your fault. Lynette: What isn't my fault? Bree: Well, last Sunday, when you kept raising your hand...We don't really do that. The church isn't a place for questions. It's a place for answers. Lynette: Yeah, but how do you get the answers if you don't ask the questions? Bree: Well, typically, we sit there and let the preacher preach, and eventually, our questions are answered, and no one is humiliated. Lynette: I'm sorry. did I embarrass you on Sunday? Bree: Well, it's just that in our church, people don't talk back to the minister. Lynette: Well, what if I need to? What if that's the kind of church I'm looking for? Bree: Well, then maybe you should explore other options. I mean, if you really enjoy talking ck to the pulpit, why don't you try that gospel church by the airport? Lynette: Okay. Bree: Or, uh, the Unitarians. From what I hear, those folks are "anything goes." -----------------------------------------------------------[Hotel - Adams room] Dylan: (answering machine) Hey, Adam. it's Dylan. I waited at your hotel all day, but you never came back. You have to call me. I found this note that Aunt Lily wrote. Mom threw it in the fireplace, but I fished it out, and I have to talk to you. Call me on my cell, not at home, 'cause I-Katherine: She doesn't know anything. I can hear it in her voice. Adam: But she's got the note.
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Katherine: Maybe a few burnt pieces. Trust me, all she's got are questions. Adam: Well, I could, um, refuse to see her. Katherine: Yeah, 'cause that won't arouse her suspicion. No. you are going to ask her to come here, and then you're going to find out exactly what she knows and what she doesn't. Adam: After all these years, maybe it would be easier just to finally tell her the truth. Katherine: And you would just wave good-bye as they cart me off to jail? Adam: She wouldn't call the police. Seriously, I think you two have a great relationship. Katherine: Ha. Then you have not been paying attention. Give me a chance to get home, then call her and set up a time for you two to meet. Adam: Okay. Katherine: You know...when you called me tonight, I was half hoping you missed me. Adam: Really? Katherine: I miss you. I'm so terribly lonely. You know I don't do well on my own. Is there any chance we could...get past this, and you could come back home? Adam: I will talk to Dylan. I will provide you one last alibi. After that, I'm done. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Tim: Are you guys outta here? Bree: Yes, I'm gonna run some errands, and Orson's gonna take Benjamin to the park. Orson: Actually, I thought I might take him to the museum. You know how much Benjamin loves Matisse. Bree: Benjamin doesn't love Matisse. he loves purple. Oh. Please stop trying to turn our son into an intellectual. Orson: Mm. If you saw how her first two turned out, you'd understand how important it is for me to fight the Van de Kamp D.N.A. Tim: (on ohone) Hey, it's Tim. It was great seeing you the other day. Yeah, I can't stop thinking about you either. So listen, um, I've got the whole place to myself. You wanna come over? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house] Edie: Hey, Gaby. I heard you and Carlos got married yesterday. Guess this means you win. Gabrielle: Oh, Edie, it wasn't a competition, but, yeah, I guess I did. Edie: Yeah, but I think it's all for the best. I mean, after all, I could have never been the hero that you're about to be. Gabrielle: Hero? Why am I a hero? Edie: Committing your life to a man who's blind? My god, you're gonna have to do everything for him--dress him, shave him, lead him to the bathroom, pray that his aim is halfway decent. Gabrielle: It's not a big deal. Carlos is gonna get his sight back in three months. Four, tops. Edie: Is that what he told you? You poor, gullible fool. Gabrielle: What are you talking about? Edie: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I talked to the nurse, and she said that his condition is...Oh, what's the word? Um...oh, yeah. Permanent. Gabrielle: I don't believe you. Edie: Call the doctor if you'd like. And apparently, he was begging Carlos to tell you. Gabrielle: No. no, no, no. This can't be true. Edie: Look on the bright side. Women who are married to blind guys don't have to worry about makeup or getting fat. Are you sure you didn't already know about this?
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Gabrielle: Okay, I'm calling Dr. Dunlap. Edie: You do that. Oh, and by the way, congrats on your big win. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes therapy room] Julie: So how's your occupational therapy going? Do they still have you scrubbing pots in the kitchen? Mike: No, no. Once they found out I'm a professional plumber, I got promoted to scrubbing toilets. Susan: Mm, well, maybe you won't mind doing a little scrubbing when you come home next week. Mike: Actually, the doctors kinda frown on that. They encourage us to leave that sort of stuff behind. Susan: Well, it doesn't have to be toilets. I mean, it could be sinks, bathtubs. Mike: You're making me wanna use, Susan. This junkie thing's awesome. Susan: Oh, I forgot. Uh, Tim has some questions about the taxes. Do you mind talking to him? Mike: No, I don't mind. Though I can't believe he'd have any trouble with your cookie tin filing system. Tim: (on phone) Hello? Susan: (on phone) Hey, uh, Tim, I've got Mike here. Do you want to talk to him? Tim: (on phone) Uh, can I do that later? I'm sort of taking a nap. Susan: (on phone) What was that? Is someone there? Tim: (on phone) What? No. no. Unh-unh. No--no one's here. Susan: (on phone) Really? Cause it sounded like a girl. Tim: (on phone) No, uh, it--it was just the TV. Tim: (on phone) I thought you were taking a nap. Tim: (on phone) Uh, the TV helps me sleep. Uh, tell Mike I'll call him later. Susan: I've gotta go. Mike: What? What? You just got here. Susan: I know, but this visit was really more for Julie. Julie: For me? Susan: Yeah, you're going to college soon, and I want him to tell you about the dangers of drugs. Scare her straight, Mike. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - kitchen] Carlos: Honey, you down here? Gabrielle: Yes, sweetheart. I'm in the kitchen making dinner. Carlos: Mmm. Smells good. Gabrielle: It's a new recipe for beef stew. I think you're gonna love it. Carlos: Why don't we let that simmer? During my nap, I had the filthiest little dream. I was kinda hoping maybe we could... Gabrielle: Skip straight to dessert? Carlos: Yeah. What do you say? Gabrielle: I'd say I'm one step ahead of you. I have already slipped into my pink lace teddy, and I'm wearing those whorey pumps that you love. Carlos: Ooh, I like that image. Where are you? Gabrielle: I'm right here, babe. Carlos: Ow! Gabrielle: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that was open. Let's do it over here, on the table. Carlos: Can you give me a hand? Gabrielle: Can't. my legs are in the air. Just follow the sound of my voice. There you go. I'm over here, sweetie.
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Carlos: Whoa! Uhh! Son of a bitch! Gabrielle: Ooh, I meant to move that. Hang on. Let me just pull my panties up so I can help you. Okay. Here. Let's go do it over here. Carlos: Aah! Damn it! What the hell is going on?! Gabrielle: I'll tell you what's going on. "In three months. Four, tops." Carlos: Uh-oh. Gabrielle: "Uh-oh" is right, you blind bastard! Carlos: Ow! All right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied! Gabrielle: Oh, no, no. I think it was a fantastic plan. I mean, there's no way I ever would have figured out that I was married to a permanently blind guy! Carlos: Ow! All right, I just thought that by the time you did, you'd be used to the idea, and maybe then you wouldn't leave me. Gabrielle: Leave you? Do you really think I'm that shallow? Carlos: Gaby, I'm poor and I'm blind, and let's face it. There is nothing about that that is your type. Gabrielle: Wow. thanks for the vote of confidence. Y-yes, the truth would have freaked me out, but I would have come around. If you had just had a little faith in me, I could have proven to you that I was up for the challenge, but you robbed me of that chance. Carlos: I'm sorry. Gabrielle: Good. To avoid future confusion, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Carlos: Gaby, this is not going to be easy. Gabrielle: I know, but like I said, "For better or for worse." Carlos: Think you can forgive me? Gabrielle: I'll work on it. Carlos: While you're working on it, mind if I dig into some of that stew? Gabrielle: Sure. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Ugh! Get off that poor girl right now! Tim: I finished your taxes. Susan: What the hell is going on here? Katherine: Susan, I'm so sorry. Susan: No, Katherine, I know what you've been going through emotionally, so you don't have to apologize. And by the way, your boob is out. Katherine: Oh. Susan: You, on the other hand Tim: I know. I know. Susan: I don't understand you. Is this something you do? You worm your way into a neighborhood with the promise of free tax preparation, and then you jump on the nearest middle-aged divorce? Katherine: Hey! Tim: It's not like that. She came over for some drinks, and we got to talking and started reminiscing, and all these old feelings came rushing back. Susan: Oh, nice try, Timmy. Like I'm really going to believe that. Shame on you. just... shame! What do you mean, "old feelings"? Katherine: Do we really need to get into this? Susan: What do you have to reminisce about? He was here for a week when he was 16. What could you two have even...Oh, my god, you slept together.
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Katherine: Okay, before you get some sordid image in your head Tim: She took my virginity. Katherine: Do you have to say it like that? Tim: That's how I said it to every single guy at band camp. Susan: Shame on you! His mother trusted me to take care of him, and you swoop in like some swooping, sex-craved--Oh, for god sakes, Tim! pull up the blanket! Tim: You can't blame it on Katherine. I knew exactly what I was doing. Susan: I don't want to hear this. I'm done with both of you. If anybody needs me, I'll be at the mall...buying sheets. -----------------------------------------------------------[Church - door] Reverend Sikes: Good morning. I'll see you after service. Bree: Oh! good morning, Reverend. I brought your favorite-- blueberry scones. Reverend Sikes: Thank you, Bree. By the way, I'm sorry I've taken so long to make a decision about the ladies' auxiliary. Bree: Oh, is that happening now? I'd forgotten all about it. Reverend Sikes: So is your, uh, delightful neighbor coming? The one with all the questions? Bree: Delightful? I thought she annoyed you. Reverend Sikes: No, I found her refreshing. It's like I always say. Church is not a place for answers. It's a place for questions. Bree: You don't say that. I've--I've never heard you say that, not once. Reverend Sikes: Yes, well, anyway, I want to thank you for taking the initiative. New members are crucial to the health of this church. I won't forget you brought them... or these. Bree: Thank you, Reverend, and I'm--I'm sure the Scavos will be here soon. Orson: Why did you just say that? You know very well they went to Catholic church. Bree: Which is just down the street. I'll be right back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Catholic Church] Bree: Psst! Not you. Lynette. Lynette: What are you doing here? Bree: I was gonna ask the same of you. Why are you in a catholic church? Tom: Because we're catholic. Bree: Oh, please. Mowing your lawn in a Notre dame sweatshirt doesn't make you catholic. You're Presbyterian now. Come on. Let's go. Lynette: Weren't you the one who said I should explore other churches? Bree: I meant sample, like a buffet. You take a little plate of everything, and then you sit down for the main course, which is across the street...at the presbyterian church. Lynette: No. I just put 10 bucks in the collection plate, and I'm gonna get my money's worth. Father Crowley: Is there a problem? Bree: No, no problem. Just talking to my friend. Nun: She's trying to poach her. Bree: I am not! My friend's just a little confused. She forgot that she's Presbyterian and wandered into the wrong church. Lynette: I'm not Presbyterian. I'm a free agent. And if you're open to a little Q and A, you've got me. Bree: Lynette, please. Can't we just go outside and talk for a moment?
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[Outside the church] Lynette: Okay, what gives? Bree: Well, I was at the service this morning, and it's just not the same without you. Lynette: Bree... Bree: And I am... up for the head of the Ladies' Auxiliary, and Reverend Sykes was so impressed that I brought a new family into church, so...if you don't come back, then-Lynette: Oh, then you won't get what you want? Bree: Well, yes. Lynette: Well, forget it. Let someone else help you with your power grab. Bree: Lynette! You were the one who came to me. you sought me out. Lynette: Yes, and do you know why? Because out of all my friends, you are the one who had real faith. You had an actual relationship with god. At least, that's what I thought. Bree: Lynette-Lynette: Because I have had a rough few months. okay? But I know you've had rough times, too, and I always assumed that your faith had helped you get through them. I envied you that, to be honest. Bree: It did. It did help me. Lynette: Really? Okay. How? Bree: It just did. Lynette: Well, that's not a good answer. I have been through cancer and a tornado, and I don't know why I survived, and so many other people didn't. I don't understand, and I need to. Bree: Lynette, why didn't you tell me? Lynette: Why didn't you ask? Oh, that's right. You don't like asking questions. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Bree: Hey, Lynette. Lynette: Hi there. Bree: Just... wanted to tell you that I'm out of the running for the Ladies' Auxiliary. I told Reverend Sykes to, uh, give it to Edna Fletcher. She was in the Peace Corps, you know. Lynette: Huh. that's nice of you. Bree: I suppose. I just wanted to let you know that. And also to... apologize. Lynette: Oh, you don't have to do that. Bree: Yes, I do. you were right. Faith shouldn't be blind. You don't threaten it by asking questions. You make it stronger, and I lost sight of that. Lynette: Well, maybe a little. Bree: And it meant a lot that you came to me for guidance, and...I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. I want you to have faith in me and our friendship. Lynette: Well...there are some things that are easy to believe in. Bree: How's Catholicism going, by the way? Lynette: Meh. Bree: Well, if you ever wanna try us again... Lynette: Oh, well, I'm pretty comfortable with the Catholics. They're the only ones who don't judge me for having so many kids. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Hey. Tim: Hey.
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Susan: Okay, so I have to ask. This thing that happened with you and Katherine 12 years ago--Was it an ongoing affair? Tim: No. no, it was just the one time, and I think she felt pretty guilty about it afterwards. She told me not to come around anymore. Susan: So you didn't go back? Tim: It's weird. I tried to. It was the last night of my visit. I thought if I brought her some flowers, maybe I could get something going, you know? But when I got up to the front door, I heard all this yelling. Wayne: ...say good night to my daughter. Katherine: She is asleep. Get the hell out. Tim: I went around to the window just to get a look at what was going on Wayne: Remember? She's my daughter! I'm her father! Tim: And I could see she was having a fight with someone. I was about to rush in and help her when I saw Katherine pick up this candlestick and just wail on him. He went down pretty hard. Katherine was just standing over him with this look in her eye. It scared the hell out of me, so I got out of there. I left the next morning and never talked to Katherine again. Susan: So... this man-- who do you think it was? Tim: Don't know. I sort of got the impression he was her ex-husband. Does she ever talk about him? Susan: Not really. Tim: Mm. have you seen him lately? Susan: No. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hotel Adams room] Dylan: Ever since I can remember, I've had this feeling that something's not right. Weird dreams that don't seem like dreams at all. People telling me I forgot things that I know I would've remembered. And now finally, I find a sentence on a piece of paper...that could explain all of it and prove that I am not crazy. And the best that you can come up with is that aunt lily was losing it and she didn't know what she was writing? I need the truth, Adam. Please. Please. Adam: The truth, Dylan...is that...your mother didn't kill your father. And she loves you more than you will ever know. Mary Alice Voiceover: Faith is a belief in something that cannot be proven. So we trust in the words of the only father we've ever known. We believe the promises of the woman who shares our bed. We rely on the example of dear friends who help us to be better people. Yes, we all want to believe in those we are closest to, but where there is doubt, our faith begins to vanish... and fear rushes in to take its place. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X12 In Buddys Eyes -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette dallied with temptation... Tom: Are you sleeping with my wife? Mary Alice Voiceover: Carlos struggled with his new life...
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Carlos: I am poor, and I am blind, and there is nothing about that that is your type. Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree found herself with a new rival... Susan: Bree, that is, like, the best pie you've ever made. Bree: This is not my pie. Katherine: Okay, you caught me. It's mine. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Susan made the best of having houseguests. Bree: Oh, and, listen, Bob and Lee introduced us to this wonderful contractor, so we won't be imposing for long. Susan: Imposing? Who's imposing? You can stay as long as you want. -----------------------------------------------------------[Greenwood Rehabilitation Center] "A man is only as sick as his secrets" Mary Alice Voiceover: In a corridor of the greenwood rehabilitation center is a sign. It's there to remind patients to be honest about the past. But Orson Hodge did not notice it. He was too busy thinking of s past, or at least the part of it he shared with Mike Delfino. Orson thought of the night they met--the night his mother...had murdered his mistress. He thought of the next time they met and how Mike began to recognize him. He thought of his mother's fear Mike would remember too much and her demand that Orson stop this from happening. He thought of how he agonized, but in the end, had still...done the unthinkable. Orson then started to think about the message he had received from Mike, asking him to visit. The thought was crossing Orson's mind that Mike had remembered something--something dangerous, when suddenly... [Mikes Room 1405] Mike: Orson. Come on in. Mary Alice Voiceover:the time for thinking was over. Orson: So I-I see they have a tennis court here. Must be nice to get out and whack a few balls around, huh? Mike: Why don't you sit down? It might make this easier. I've been trying to figure out all day just how I was gonna do this. Orson: Do what, Mike? Mike: Since I've come here, I've had a lot of time to think. Things are... becoming clearer. I'm starting to put some things together. Orson: Well, good for you. Mike: No, not really, Orson. When you hurt people, you gotta be accountable. There's no way around it. So I have to ask you...do you think you can forge me? Orson: What? Mike: When I asked you to write a prescription for pain pills, it...all I could think about was getting my next fix. The fact that you could have lost your license, your business--all that never even entered my head. And I am... really sorry. Orson: Of course. No need to apologize. Mike: I-I feel a million times better. You know, one thing I've learned here--if you don't get this stuff off your chest, it'll eat you alive. Mary Alice Voiceover: As he left, Orson thought only of his good fortune and relief, ignoring completely the feelings of guilt and shame that were rising within him. That was the sad thing about Orson Hodge... "he had no idea just how sick he really was. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house]
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Mary Alice Voiceover: From the moment his doctors had told him he was blind, Carlos Solis had worried about only one thing--that the people in his life would come to see him as a burden. But as it turned out, his friends didn't mind driving him to the store. His neighbors didn't mind helping retrieve his mail. The paper boy didn't mind helping him find his morning paper. In truth, everyone on Wisteria Lane was more than willing to help Carlos adjust to life as a blind man--everyone, that is...but his wife, who was quickly starting to feel she was the one with the handicap. Gabrielle: "And in a surprise move, the Spurs announced a trade that will send perennial all-star to the..." Carlos: Oh, jeez, Gaby. I asked you to please fish out all the little carrot squares. Gabrielle: I did. Carlos: Well, I think you missed some. Could you get 'em out, please? Gabrielle: There you go. All gone. Carlos: Did you just use your hand? Gabrielle: Of course not. I use a spoon. Carlos: I'm sorry that I'm such a handful. I really am trying to do the best that I can. Gabrielle: I know you are, babe. And I know it's hard, and I'm gonna try to be more sensitive to your needs. Now hurry up and finish. I have to go to the store. Carlos: Could I go, too? I'm bored. Gabrielle: Oh, please, Carlos. I have a million errands to run, and I'd do it a lot faster without you. Plus I'm having lunch with the girls first. Carlos: Oh, okay. Gaby, another carrot. Gabrielle: Just eat them. Carrots are good for your...just eat them. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes restaurant] Gabrielle: Sorry I'm late. Blind husband. You know the drill. Bree: Oh, Gaby, I'm so glad you're here. I was just about to tell everyone to keep an eye out for their invitation to the founder's ball. Katherine: I'm sorry. What is the founder's ball? You all seem so excited. Gabrielle: It's a black-tie fund-raiser that Bree organizes every year. Bree: It's a lot of work, exhausting and completely worth it. Susan: Especially when you get your big moment in the spotlight. Bree gets to present an award to somebody who's done something extraordinary for the community. Gabrielle: Ooh, I say we nominate the woman who gives Edie her bikini wax. Katherine: So, Bree, I've planned a few events myself back in Chicago. Small potatoes compared to this, I'm sure, but if you could use me, I'd love to help. Bree: That would be lovely. Susan: It would? Bree: Yes, of course. Why wouldn't it? Edie: Nobody? Okay, I'm going in. Because you two would kill each other... literally. Gabrielle: It'll start with hair pull and end with detectives taking our statements. Remember the pie thing? Lynette: "Remember the pie thing"Tibetan monks remember the pie thing. Bree: I acknowledge that Katherine and I have had our differences, but we have all been through a lot recently. Katherine: And I would hope that it taught us to put our differences aside and be friends, because that's what's most important. Lynette: I faced cancer and a tornado, but I'm running from this.
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Rick: Hi. Lynette: Oh, my god. Rick. Rick: How are you? Lynette: Great, actually. We're great. Rick: Well, you look great. Lynette: Hey, Tom. Look who's here--Rick. Tom: I see that. Table for one? Rick: Uh, no, thanks. I just wanted to come by and bring you guys...it's Barolo. I just got back from Italy. Lynette: Oh, well, that's nice. Thank you. Tom: Ah, what's the occasion? Or are you just being a good guy? Rick: I can't get anything past you, huh, Tom? Lynette: Well, I... I've got some work to do. Rick: Yeah, well, you know, I wanted to come here and tell you guys in person. I'm opening my own place. Uh, you must have seen it. Lynette: That's you? Tom: On the corner? Rick: Yeah, I looked everywhere, I swear. But, uh, it was the best location. Tom: I'll bet. Rick: Okay, look, people like to eat in Fairview. There's plenty of business for both of us. Customer: Hey, I remember you! You back to working here now? Rick: Oh, no. Sorry. Customer: Too bad. That Osso Buco of yours was-- really something. Rick: Well, I got it on the menu at my new place on the corner. Come check us out. See? Room for everyone. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Orson, you scared me. Why are you sitting down here in the dark? And aren't you a little cold? Orson: I had to do something. Susan: Then you came down here and you couldn't remember what it was. That happens to me all the time. Well, the baby is insisting that I eat the last piece of Bree's triple-chocolate cake. If you want, we could--oh, my god. You're naked! In my kitchen where I eat. Okay, I don't hear you leaving. Orson: I had to do something. Susan: Pajamas--that's something you could do. Okay, you're right. You're a guest in my housea completely naked guest in my house. I should leave. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Hey. Tom: Hey. Lynette: You were supposed to be home at 8:00 to help me wrangle the kids for bath time. It's--it's almost 11:00. Tom: Sorry. Lynette: So where were you? You were stewing, weren't you? Come on. You're upset about Rick. Tom: Look. I'm not gonna deny I was ticked off when I saw him. But I'm over it. I'm taking this as a challenge. We are gonna up our game. Lynette: Oh, yeah? Tom: Yep. You know what I did tonight? I worked on our menu. We are gonna start making our own Osso
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Buco. I got a recipe that is gonna kick his ass. Lynette: So you're really okay with this? Tom: Yeah, I'm great. Look at how cute you are. It's growing back fast, huh? Lynette: Yeah, it's back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Orson: Morning, Susan. Susan: Oh. Good morning. Love what you're wearing. Orson: Oh, I hope this isn't decaf. Got a big day ahead of me. Susan: All right. We don't need to talk about it. Just promise me it won't happen again. Orson: What won't happen again? Susan: Orson, you were naked in this kitchen last night. Orson: I was not. Susan: You most certainly were. Bree: Good morning. What's going on? Orson: Well, Susan claims she saw me last night au naturel. Susan: It wasn't a claim. He was sitting right here without a stitch of clothing on, and I couldn't have cake. Bree: Oh, I think I know what's going on. Somebody had a naughty dream. Orson: Susan, I'm blushing. Susan: No, no, no, no. No, I did not have a sex dream. Orson: Susan, it's perfectly understandable. Mike's away. You're feeling a little lonely. Naturally, you'd project those feelings onto the nearest available sex machine. Bree: You are such a scamp. Susan: I know when I'm dreaming, and this really happened. Why else would I be sponging butt prints off my stool? Bree: You know, Susan, sometimes I climb into a warm bath with a romance novel. Just a thought. -----------------------------------------------------------[Price Warehouse Parking lot] Gabrielle: Lynette! Lynette: Gaby, since when do you come to price warehouse? Gabrielle: I'm poor now. Remember? I have to mingle with the unwashed masses. What are you doing here? Lynette: Oh, I've been unwashed for years. Gabrielle: This place is huge! Would it kill them to have valet parking? Lynette: Gaby, people don't come here for the amenities. They come because toilet paper's 3 cents a ton. Gabrielle: Look at all these handicapped spots. I mean, what a waste. Take that guy selling oranges, put him in a vest, stick him under an umbrella, and bam! You got valet parking. I don't know why poor people refuse to better themselves. Lynette: Yeah, we're crazy that way. I don't know why you're complaining about handicapped spaces. Doesn't Carlos have one of those blue placards? Gabrielle: No, I think you have to have a wheelchair to get one of those. Lynette: No, I'm pretty sure the blind qualify, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Dylan: Mom, can I take some of these cookies up to Julie? Katherine: Why don't you offer some to our guest first? Bree: Oh, no, thank you. We have so much ground to cover. Now let's move on to the flowers. Uh, last year,
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we went with a cascade of pink and white roses. There it is. Katherine: Exquisite. Well, easy enough. Let's just do that again, then. Next? Bree: Well...if you have a different idea, I would love to hear that, too. Katherine: Well, I was thinking it might be nice to do something more unusual. What about an arrangement of purple lisianthus with a spray of dark berries? Bree: It's interesting. I can't really picture that though. Katherine: Well, let me help you. I keep scrapbooks, too. [Dylans room] Dylan: My mom and Mrs. Hodge are still talking about that ball thing. She wants me to be a part of the founder's court or whatever they call it. Like I want to put on a stupid white dress and greet people all night. Julie: I know. It's so pathetic. By the way, I'm doing it. Dylan: Seriously? Why? Julie: Because I did it last year, and it's actually kind of hilarious and great. It is! Dylan: It doesn't sound great. It sounds beyond lame. Julie: I don't want this to come off the wrong way, but you're a buzz kill. Dylan: Julie! Julie: Okay, you spend all of your time cooped up in here alone, obsessing over some mysterious thing that maybe happened to your real dad or maybe didn't. Look, I'm not saying don't obsess. I'm just saying maybe you could spare some time to have a little fun with your friend, too. Dylan: So this founder's thing-- it'll be fun? [Katherines house] Katherine: Uh, these were the centerpieces from the Vanover medical center benefit. The donors were blown away. Bree: Well, they're certainly...assertive. My only fear is-Katherine: I know. I know. Fairview is a bit more provinci compared to Chicago, but I think you'll find the people here have a lot more taste than you give them credit for. Bree: Well, perhaps I could try something new. Let's go with the lisianthus. Katherine: Look at you! Pronouncing it right the very first time. Isn't learning fun? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Officer Ramsey: Mrs. Scavo? Lynette: Uh, yes. Officer Daniels: Is your husband home? We're investigating an incident involving vandalism. Lynette: Vandalism? Porter! Preston! Get over here! Officer Ramsey: No, ma'am. This incident occurred two nights ago near your pizzeria. Someone threw a brick through a window of a new restaurant-- a place called Rick's? Lynette: What? Officer Daniels: We're asking everybody who works in the area if they saw anything suspicious. Lynette: I didn't go into work that night. Tom: I did, but, um, I didn't see anything. What time did it happen? Officer Daniels: The alarm went off at about 10:45. Tom: Oh, I was home way before then, around 8:00. I came home early to help you wrangle the kids for bath time. Lynette: Yeah. No, he was here.
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Officer Daniels: All right, well, if you do happen to hear anything, could you give us a call, please? Tom: Absolutely. Lynette: Thank you. Oh, oh, hey, honey. Could you hold back a sec? Tom: Nope. Uh, lunch rush I'm already late as it is, okay? See ya. -----------------------------------------------------------[Price Warehouse Parking lot - PARKING ONLY] Man in wheelchair # 1: Excuse me, miss. Gabrielle: Oh, hey there. Man in wheelchair # 1: I guess you didn't see that big blue sign. This is handicapped parking. Gabrielle: I know. Primo spot, isn't it? What? I have a thingy. Man in wheelchair # 1: Yeah, I noticed that. You don't look handicapped to me. Gabrielle: I'm not. My husband is. He's blind. Man in wheelchair # 1: Well, then that placard's for him. Only he can park here. Gabrielle: And how is he gonna park a car if he can't see? Feeling pretty stupid now, aren't ya? Man in wheelchair # 1: Lady, you got a lot of nerve. I had to park next to the dumpster way in the back. Gabrielle: Oh, don't play victim with me. I have to walk in heels all day long. You get to sit in a chair and roll. Man in wheelchair # 1: You did not just say that! Gabrielle: You know, the quicker I can run my errands, the faster I can get home to my husband, who needs me, because that's the kind of person I am. W-what are you doing? Man in wheelchair # 1: Calling the cops. You're getting a ticket. Gabrielle: Like hell I am! Give me that. Man in wheelchair # 1: Get off! Gabrielle: No! You started it. Hang it up! Man in wheelchair # 1: Get off! Gabrielle: Hang it up! Man in wheelchair # 2: Is there a problem here? Gabrielle: Jeez. What, is there a telethon going on around here? Man in wheelchair # 1: Dude, she took one of our spots. Man in wheelchair # 2: Bitch! I had to find street parking. Man in wheelchair # 1: Hey, there's a security guard over there. Go get him. Gabrielle: No, no, no, no, no. Wait! Okay, you know what? This is getting ridiculous. Man in wheelchair # 1: Oh, no, no. You're not going anywhere. Gabrielle: Let me go! Well, it's official. I'm going to hell. -----------------------------------------------------------[The Scavos pizzeria] Kayla: Hi, daddy. Lynette: Hey, guys, would you go play in the back for a while? I need to talk to your dad. Thanks. Tom: Hey. Don't they have soccer today? Let me answer that question with another question. Why did you lie to police? Tom: Lynette-Lynette: And you made me lie to them, too, which brings up another question. Did you know that perjury is, like, this whole big thing? Tom: I think you're overreacting. Lynette: No, overreacting would be if I threw a brick through you. What were you thinking? Help me understand. Tom: I just went to go check out how the construction was going, but I came around the corner. I saw this
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giant picture window that says "Rick's." And then I realize I'm gonna have to see that guy's name every damn day of my life. Then I noticed this pile of bricks. Lynette: Okay. I know this whole thing with Rick-- it really caused us some damage. I know it hurt us, but we survived it, and it's over now. Tom: Now that's the thing, Lynette. It's not over. It was never over. I don't care about Rick's stupid restaurant! I don't even care that he wants to steal you from me! Of course, he would want to steal you from me. That makes sense to me. I care that he made you act like it could be done. Lynette: Oh, Tom. Tom: He changed the way I look at you. Lynette: But... nothing ever happened between us. You have to believe me. Come on! Tom: I am not trying to get you to apologize. I'm just explaining the brick. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house front yard] Susan: Oh, my god. You thought I was crazy, but it wasn't a dream. You're naked! And that means you're crazy. Orson: I didn't mean to do it. Susan: Oh, really? You just happened to stumble naked into my front yard? Orson: I didn't mean it, Mike. Susan: "Mike"? Wait. Are you sleepwalking? Orson. Hello? Orson: Susan. Did you just hit me? Oh, dear god! Susan: Orson, you're staying at my house! There you go. [Susans house kitchen] Orson: I have no explanation. This doesn't happen to me. I don't sleepwalk. Susan: You know, it's none of my business, but seeing as I have seen you naked twice in the last week, I think I can ask, is something bothering you? Orson: I don't think so. I mean, being out of our house has been a little weird, but I'm very comfortable here. Susan: Clearly. You know, when you were out on the lawn, you said something about Mike. Orson: Mike? What, uh, what did I say? Susan: Well, it was just sort of muttering. Were you having a dream about him? Orson: No. I-I don't believe so. Susan: Well, maybe it's because you just saw him. He must be on your mind. Orson: Yeah, yeah. You know what, Susan? I-I think it's time for us to move out. Susan: You can't. Your house isn't finished yet. Orson: No, the downstairs will be ready next week. We'll be fine. Susan: Well, if you insist... Orson: I think it will be for the best. Susan: Okay, but in the meantime, um, I do have a teenage daughter, so if you could... Orson: Boxers? Susan: Yes. Thanks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Come on. You've been cooped up in this house since you got home from the hospital. Let's go out and have some fun! Carlos: No, I think I'm gonna stay here. I don't--I don't wanna be a burden. Gabrielle: Carlos, I see handicapped people out and about all the time. In fact, I met two feisty men in
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wheelchairs yesterday at the mall. They were living their lives...so it's time for you to live yours. Come on. Come on. [Street] Gabrielle: I'm just dropping off a few letters. You might as well just wait here. Gabrielle: Just picking up some vitamins. I'll be quicker if I do it myself. Gabrielle: I just have to drop off a gift to my manicurist. Why don't you listen to the radio? Gabrielle: Thank you. Sorry, babe. That took a little longer than I...Carlos? Carlos? Carlos? Carlos! Carlos! Oh, there you are. Carlos: Thanks, Henry. Gabrielle: Where the hell have you been? Carlos: I was starving, so I got that kid to take me to go get a burger. Gabrielle: I don't believe this. I was worried sick about you! Carlos: I'm sick of waiting here! You promised me a fun day, and all I got is a sunburn on the right side of my face. Gabrielle: I'm sorry. I told you, I had errands to run first. Carlos: What's that smell? Gabrielle: What smell? Carlos: It smells like...nail polish. Did you get your nails done? Is that what you've been doing? Old man: Excuse me. Miss! Is that your Aston Martin in the handicapped space? Carlos: What? Gaby, are you parked in a handicapped spot? Gabrielle: Move it along, pops. We're gonna be here a while. Carlos: Wait, wait, wait. Did you get a handicapped tag? Gabrielle: To answer your earlier question, yes, I got a manicure. I'm sorry. Are we good? Carlos: Oh, my god! You're exploiting my blindness so that you can score better parking? Gabrielle: That's a really mean way to put it. Carlos: You had me out here, sitting like a dog with the window cracked open. You used me! Gabrielle: Well, why shouldn't I get something out of this? You know, the blindness didn't just happen to you. Carlos: You can't be serious. Gabrielle: Oh, you bet I am! Every morning, the toothpaste has to be to the left of the sink, because if it's not, you can't find it, and I have to put it there. And--and sometimes-- I don't know--I'm driving, or I'm in line at the bank and I think, "Is the toothpaste there?" so then I have to run home and check because I don't want you reaching for the tube and not being able to find it. I just didn't think this was how it was all gonna turn out, Carlos. I didn't think that every day for the rest of my life, a part of me is always gonna think, "Where's the toothpaste?" Carlos: Can't you just leave it in the drawer? Gabrielle: That's not the point, you blind idiot! I'm saying if all I get in exchange for this crappy situation is a nice parking spot for my $8 manicure, then I'm taking it! -----------------------------------------------------------[The founder's ball hall] Bree: Who put pear slices in the Waldorf salad? Katherine: Guess that would be me. Bree: Katherine, a Waldorf salad is made with apples. It's tradition. Katherine: Yes, a musty, 19th century tradition in need of some jazzing up. Look, I just thought you have so much on your mind already, what with the music and the decorations. The least I could do was take over the food.
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Bree: "Take over"? What in god's name have you done with my French onion soup? Katherine: Oh, it'll be fine. I told the chef nothing is to leave that kitchen unless I've tasted it. Bree: Katherine-Katherine: Trust me. After all, I've gotten tons of compliments on the lisianthus. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Here, honey. Let me. Carlos: Thanks. Gabrielle: You're welcome. Carlos: Just so you know...I'm sorry for what I'm putting you through. Gabrielle: If it were anyone but you, it wouldn't be worth it. You ready to go to the party? Carlos: You tell me. How do I look? Gabrielle: You look very handsome. Carlos: Thank you. And you look more beautiful than ever. Gabrielle: How do you know that? Carlos: Just a hunch. -----------------------------------------------------------[The founder's ball kitchen] Caterer: Bup, bup, bup! Don't eat that. We had a refrigeration problem, and I don't want you getting sick. Bree: Oh, dear. Well, I should throw this dip out. Caterer: Thanks. It'll be about ten minutes before I can make up a new batch. Do you mind telling your boss? Bree: She's not my boss! Mrs. Downing: Bree! The room is simply lovely. You've outdone yourself. Bree: Thank you, Mrs. Downing. Listen, when I present the founder's award tonight, I was wondering-Mrs. Downing: Oh, dear. Has no one spoken to you? Bree: About what? Mrs. Downing: Uh, well...the committee has decided that it would be best if Katherine Mayfair present the award this year. Bree: No! That's...that's my job. I always do it. Mrs. Downing: Oh, well, you're already doing so much, and, well, Katherine was quite insistent. Katherine: What's that? Bree: Oh, it's dip. The caterer just said that-Katherine: I thought we agreed. Nothing leaves the kitchen without me tasting it first. Bree: Dig in. [Hall] Bree: Is everyone having fun? Gabrielle: You and Kathere did an amazing job. Boy, we didn't think you guys could work together. Lynette: Yeah, we were sure one of you would end up killing the other. Bree: You really should have more faith in people. Excuse me. [Washroom] Bree: Katherine, darling, are you okay? Katherine: Not really. I hope there's nothing wrong with the food. Is anybody else getting sick? Bree: Oh, no. No, dear. Just you. Maybe you should go home.
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Katherine: I can't. I have to present the founder's award. Bree: Oh, no one would expect you to do that in your condition. You know what? Um, I could do it. Katherine: No. I can get it together. Bree: Katherine, no one expects you to be a martyr. Why don't you go home? Katherine: I can't. Bree: Why not? I'm perfectly capable of presenting. I've done it for the last eight years. I mean, no one wants to accept an award from a woman who looks like she should be in line at the needle exchange. Katherine: This is important to me. I'll be fine. [Hall] Mrs. Downing: And now for the presentation for the founder's award--Ms. Katherine Mayfair. Katherine: Thank you, Mrs. Downing. I was honored when you and the other members of the committee asked me to present this award. Bree: "I was honored when you..." myeah, myeah, myeah, myeah. Gabrielle: Bree, what's up? I thought giving out this award was your thing. Bree: Used to be. Not anymore. Things change. Katherine: This year's founder's award... Bree: Ever since I started working with that obnoxious backstabber, she's done nothing but try to take the spotlight off of me and put it onto her. Katherine:goes to my dear friend...Bree Hodge. Lynette: The obnoxious backstabber just called your name. Katherine: Bree has been a pillar of the Fairview Community for many years. There is no better friend than Bree Hodge. Congratulations. I know you tried to poison me. Bree: Well, uh, this has been an evening full of, um...surprises. I never would've imagined that, um, I would be recognized by this wonderful organization ... Lynette: (on phone) Hi, Andrew. Guess what? Your mom just won the founder's award. Andrew: (on phone) Lynette, listen to me. Oh, my god. You're not gonna believe what's going on down here. Lynette: (on phone) What? What? Is everyone okay? Andrew: (on phone) Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're--we're fine. It's Rick's place--totally went up in flames. There, uh, there are, like, three fire trucks here. Lynette: (on phone) Oh, my god! That's horrible! How did it start? Andrew: (on phone) I--theythey don't know. Lynette: (on phone) Okay, I-I'm gonna--I'll call you back in about five. Bye. Bree: I certainly, uh, wasn't expecting it. Bree: The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us. Katherine: Wait. I need to talk to you first. Bree: I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that? Katherine: No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously...I misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along? Bree: Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one. Susan's the adorable one. Lynette's smart. Edie's...Edie. And I'm the domestic one, the organizer--the one who knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who I am. And that's also who you are.
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Katherine: So? Bree: So...I don't really know how to be friends with you. Katherine: That's a shame...because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and observing the little graces makes you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die. We're the same, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be best friends. Bree: Who knew you were so insightful? Katherine: Isn't learning fun? Photographer: Terrific, everyone. Thank you. Dylan: Pictures. Julie: So...did I lie? Was it cool? Dylan: You were right. It really was. Julie: "Thank you, Julie." Dylan: It's good to get out of my own head, you know? For months now, I've been hung up on looking for my dad and blaming my mom...and it's gotten me nowhere. I just wanna start having fun again. Thank you, Julie. Katherine: There you are. We wanted to get some pictures with you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Julie: Orson. Listen, I-I have a 12:00 curfew, so if my mom asks, can you just-Orson: Mike? Julie: No, it's Julie. Oh, you're sleepwalking. Yeah, I heard about that. Orson: I'm sorry, Mike. Julie: Again, not mike. Why don't I-I get you back to bed, and--and you can-Orson: I'm sorry I ran you over, Mike. Mary Alice Voiceover: Blindness--it's an affliction that prevents people from seeing what is right in front of them...like the wives who can't detect the jealousy that consumes their husbands...the women unable to see that a rival might also be a friend...the men who stay oblivious to the guilt that lies deep within them. Yes...The world is filled with those who cannot see. The most dangerous are the ones who stay blind to the evil within their own hearts. How do we protect ourselves from these people? First, we have to open our own eyes and find them...before they find us. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X13 Hello, little girl -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Dylan and Katherine raised their profile and attracted the attention of an unwanted admirer. Mary Alice Voiceover: Mike made a surprising request... Mike: Do you think you can forgive me? Mary Alice Voiceover:which brought Orson's guilt to the surface.
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Orson: I'm sorry, Mike. Julie: Oh, you're sleepwalking. Orson: I'm sorry I ran you over, Mike. Mary Alice Voiceover: Gaby was learning to deal with Carlos being blind... Carlos: I'm sorry for what I'm putting you through. Gabrielle: If it for anyone but you, it wouldn't be worth it. Mary Alice Voiceover:and Lynette worried... Andrew: It's Rick's place totally went up in flames. Mary Alice Voiceover:that jealousy could drive Tom to an act of violence. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Mary Alice Voiceover: The thing you have to know about Lynette Scavo is that she had always trusted her husband Tom, mostly because she could always tell when he was lying. Sometimes he would ask her to repeat the question... Tom: Did I eat... your ice cream? is that what you're asking? Mary Alice Voiceover: or he would use odd words he had never used before... Tom: Oh, I think it looks...spiffy. Mary Alice Voiceover:or his voice would get higher... Tom: I guess she's pretty. I mean...I didn't really notice. Mary Alice Voiceover: Clearly, Tom Scavo was at a distinct disadvantage when lying to his wife. And on this particular morning, that's exactly what Lynette...was unting on. Lynette: Whatcha doing? Tom: I am jonesing for a cup of coffee, but the stupid burner is acting up again. Lynette: Need a little caffeine fix? Tom: Big-time. Too much booze last night. I'm really draggin'. Lynette: The open bar is no longer your friend, huh? Tom: Guess not. But they were pouring top-shelf stuff, and I couldn't resist. Lynette: Is that where you were during Bree's acceptance speech - doing free shots at the bar? Tom: No. Uh, I think that's when I snuck out to the car to listen to the game. Lynette: You go alone? Tom: Well, I would've invited Carlos, except...obviously, he can't really sneak around anymore, so... Lynette: Yeah. I was thinkin', if anyone asks about that fire at Rick's, it'd be good if you had someone to account for where you were. Tom: Why would it matter? I didn't start the fire. Lynette: Right, right. It's just...if anyone thinks you did, it'd be handy if you could prove them wrong, wouldn't it? Tom: You think I did it? Lynette: No. Tom: One stupid brick, and now I'm an arsonist? Lynette: No, no. of course not. It's just, if the police came here to ask us about the brick, they're probably gonna ask us about the fire, so you might wanna be ready. Tom: Listen to me, Lynette. As mad as I have been at Rick, I had absolutely nothing to do with this fire. We're fine. Lynette: Okay. Tom: Good. (chuckle uh-huh) Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette Scavo had always trusted her husband. She had no idea that trust...was about
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to go up in flames. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Everyone breaks the rules now and again, and when they do, they always have an excuse...like the neighbor whose own trash was already full...or the blonde who forgot to eat her breakfast...or the employee who needed an advance on his salary...It's true-everyone has a reason for not following the rules...even the people who are meant to enforce them. [Road] Wayne: License and registration, please. Dylan: Well, what did I do? I wasn't speeding. Wayne: There's a construction zone back there. You failed to slow down. Dylan: Are you sure? I didn't see a sign or anything. Wayne: You wanna step out of the car, please? Dylan: You're not gonna give me a ticket, are you? My mom will kill me. Wayne: Where do you go to school? Dylan: Fairview High. Wayne: Pretty necklace. Dylan: Oh, thanks. Listen, I'm really sorry about the construction zone. I would have slowed down if I had seen the sign, I swear. Wayne: I'll tell you what. I'll let you go with a warning. Just pay more attention next time, okay? Dylan: Thank you. That's very nice of you. Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Bree: That's everything, I guess. Susan: Well, if you forgot something, you can just come back for it, or... you could just not leave. Bree: Oh, that's so sweet, but...our house is livable again - the downstairs anyway - and we have imposed long enough. Besides, Mike is coming home tonight, and you're gonna need the house to yourselves. Susan: Well, before you go, I just want to say that, um...having you here these last few weeksBree: Susan, I'm just going across the street. There's no need to act like a silent movie heroine. Susan: I know. I just...I can't stop now. I broke the seal. Bree: Well, um, as much as I appreciate this naked display of emotion, you know how this sort of thing makes me uncomfortable. Susan: I can't help it. My hormones are in overdrive. Didn't you get that way when you were pregnant? Bree: No. Never. Susan: Really? Not even when you heard an acoustic guitar? Bree: No. Never. Susan: Oh, I just can't control myself like that. Bree: Oh, sure, you can. Whenever I feel my emotions getting the best of me, I simply picture an empty box, and I take whatever I'm feeling and put that in the box, and then I picture myself putting the box away in a big, empty closet and closing the door. Then if I have time, I go back and open the box and deal with the emotion...in private, like a lady. Susan: Thanks. I'm gonna try that. So you don't think I act like a lady? Bree: Prove me wrong, sweetie. Prove me wrong. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house front yard]
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Steve: All right. Come on, girl. Okay, Carlos, here's the harness. Gabrielle: There you are! Oh, you must be Roxy! Aren't you the cutest thing! Oh! Okay, not too close. It's silk. Carlos: Gaby, this is Steve. He's the head trainer at the dog school. Gabrielle: Ah, nice to meet you. Carlos told me how much he enjoyed taking classes with Roxy. Steve: Well, they make a great team. Gabrielle: Well, I have got a million questions about this little lifesaver here. Steve: Okay, shoot. Gabrielle: Okay, hypothetical situation - Carlos and I are sitting on the couch. I'm doing my nails. he's whining for the remote. How do I get Roxy to fetch it for him? Carlos: She's serious. Steve: Oh. Roxy doesn't do that. Um, her job is to get Carlos from point "A" to point "B" as safely as possible. Gabrielle: I get that, but surely she's trained to do other stuff, you know, like find his keys or turn off the radio or lick up his spills. Carlos: Yeah, and after that, she can go solve crimes with Shaggy and the gang. Gabrielle: Don't give me your blind sarcasm. I saw a collie on TV who could push a lawn mower. Do you have one of those? Carlos: Gaby, Roxy's fantastic. Gabrielle: Really? Well, for a dog who's supposed to help us, she sounds kind of limited. Sorry, but it's true. Carlos: She's not here to help us. She's here to help me, which you would know if you had bothered to show up to the spouses' orientation. Gabrielle: Well, I'm sorry. I was on my hands and knees that day, scouring the bathroom floor because you refused to pee like a girl. Steve: So...any other questions? Gabrielle: No, it's crystal clear. Carlos gets a new best friend, and I get to check the sofa for ticks. Yay for Gaby! Carlos: Did I exaggerate? Steve: Actually, you were kind. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Oh, it feels good to take a shower in my own house. What are you doing? Susan: In honor of you coming home, we are making your favorite meal - steak and mashed potatoes. Mike: Oh, that sounds great. For future reference, my favorite is potatoes au gratin. Mmm. Susan: Since when? Mike: Since always. Since I was 3. Hmm. Susan: You could say "au gratin" when you were 3? Mike: Oh, it's fine. Susan, mashed is great, too. Susan: It's not your favorite? Mike: What are you doing? Susan: Excuse me. I have to put something in a box and stick it in the closet. Julie: Hormones. Mike: Oh. Got it. Julie: Pretty much anything sets her off these days. Uh, which is why I haven't told her... Mike: Told her what? Something wrong? Julie: Well, when Bree and Orson were staying with us, this weird thing happened. Mike: Oh, yeah. naked Orson? I heard. Must have been quite a show. Julie: No, this was the next night. He was sleepwalking, And he said something kinda strange. But like I said,
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he was asleep, so it's probably nothing. Mike: Julie, what'd he say? Julie: He said..."I'm sorry I ran over Mike." Mike: What? Julie: It's crazy, right? Why would he say something like that? He didn't even know you when that happened. Mike: Yeah, you're right. It's crazy. Julie: Yeah, that's what I figured. Okay, well, I'm gonna go check on mom and make sure she's okay. We don't need any more drama in this house. Mike: Yeah, I agree. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house front yard] Katherine: How's the move going? Need an extra pair of hands? Bree: No, thanks. We're almost done. Katherine: Okay, well, I won't get in your way then. Let me just run something by you. I got a call today from a couple who loved our work on the founder's ball. Bree: Oh, how sweet. Katherine: Yes, and they want to hire us to do their anniversary party. Bree: Hire us? But we're not a business. Katherine: We could be. Think about it. We do the exact same thing we did at the ball, only this time, we walk away with a big, fat check. Bree: Katherine, need I remind you we nearly came to blows over floral choices? Katherine: I think it's our creative friction that makes us a great team. Bree: I think it's our creative friction that nearly caused me to poison you. Katherine: All right, look, Bree, I'm gonna be honest with you. With Adam out of the house, I really need the money. Bree: I sympathize. I do, but I have a new baby, and it's really more work than I care to take on right now. Katherine: I understand. Guess I'll just do it myself then. Bree: Excuse me? Katherine: Now did you take pictures of those table settings you designed? I'd love to get copies. The couple raved about them. Bree: Yeah, sure. You know, I don't really think it's fair that you should profit from something that I designed. Katherine: You're right. It would only be fair if I asked you to do this with me, which I did, and you said no. So on we go. I hope you don't mind if I serve your cinnamon apple crumble. Bree: That is a cherished recipe from my grandmother. Katherine: Well, now it's a cherished recipe from catering by Katherine. Bree: Oh, I see what's going on here. This is shameless emotional blackmail. Katherine: And? Bree: And...it worked beautifully. I'm in. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No more doggy treats. She's had enough. Carlos: But she's been so good. Gabrielle: Yeah? Well, when she learns how to make granite sparkle, she can have more. Carlos: I'm giving her a treat. Gabrielle: Carlos, I said noFine. One treat. That's it. Those things are expensive, and until your disability kicks in, we have to tighten our belts.
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Carlos: So I guess that means you won't be getting your hair done anymore. Gabrielle: Carlos, remember what my fingers look like? Just picture the middle one all by itself. Besides, you're the one who married me for my looks. Carlos: Well, I'm blind now, so as long as you use deodorant, I'm good. Gabrielle: Do you have any idea how selfish you sound right now? Just because you're blind, the world should suffer? Carlos: I'm just saying, you know, $300 visits to Mr. FrancoisGabrielle: Carlos, I'm getting my hair done! End of discussion! What are you barking at? You got your damn treat. You know, if we really want to save money, you could cut down on those Cuban cigars. Carlos: Or... here's a thought. You could get a job. Gabrielle: Why don't you get a job? Carlos: Doing what? Gabrielle: Put flags on pencils and sell them at the airport. What do I care? Just get out of my kitchenWhoa. What is this about? Carlos: I don't know. I guess she doesn't like it when you smack me. Gabrielle: Oh, so now I can't hit my own husband in my own house? Carlos: Look, we can cut corners all you want, but I am not gonna skimp when it comes to my dog. Roxy, come. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees garage] Mike: Hey, neighbor. Orson: Oh, Mike. Hey. Welcome back. You're looking well. Mike: Yeah, well, you know me. Indestructible. Orson: Yeah. Mike: What are you looking for? Orson: A hammer. We're putting some of the pictures back up. Mike: This is it? Orson: Thanks, buddy. Mike: You got a minute? Orson: Uh, actually, uh, Bree's waiting - waiting for me. Mike: You said something to Julie when you were sleepwalking. Orson: I did? Mike: Yeah, and I need you to clear it up. Are you the guy that ran me over? Orson: Mike...I'm so sorry. I'm so... -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - bedroom] Gabrielle: No way. That mutt is not sleeping in our bed! Carlos: She's clean. It's okay. Gabrielle: No. no, it's not. I read the pamphlet Steve left. These dogs are not allowed on furniture. Carlos: I know. I...I just think it's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond. Gabrielle: Well, if you ever want to bond with my boobs again, you'll get her off! Carlos: You're being selfish. We can put her at the foot of the bed. Gabrielle: Carlos, no! Carlos: She doesn't like it when you yell at me, remember? Gabrielle: You're right, baby. I'm sorry. Let me try it this way. You listen to me, you blind son of a bitch. If you don't get this mangy, 6- nippled, cujo wannabe off my satin sheets, you won't just need a dog to get around.
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You'll need a motorized wheelchair that you steer with your tongue. Carlos: Really? Gabrielle: Carlos, I mean it. Who's it gonna be - me or the dog? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - bedroom] Susan: Maternity lingerie - ah, right. Why don't they just call it what it really is? A pup tent to hide your stretch marks. Mike: Oh, actually, if it's okay, I'm really not in the mood right now. I'm sorry. Susan: I understand. Mike: Thanks. Susan: You just don't want to be crushed under the weight of a repulsive cow. Mike: That is not it. Susan: No, I get it. Really, I knew this day was coming. I just didn't know it would be a day when I was so horny. Mike: Honey, I still find you incredibly sexy. It's me. I...I just got a lot on my mind right now. Susan: Oh. What's going on? Mike: I found out something today. I didn't want to tell you, but... Susan: Well, you can tell me anything. That's what we talked about in all those sessions with the doctor. Mike: You're right. But if I tell you, You have to promise to let me handle this my own way. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - bedroom] Bree: Who could that be at this hour? Susan. What on earth? Susan: You are never to come near my family ever again! Do you understand? Bree: What are you talking about? Susan: Do you hear me, Orson?! Mike: Damn it. Susan, I - I told you to let me handle this. Bree: Will someone please tell me what's going on? Susan: So you don't know that your husband tried to kill mike? Bree: What? Orson: Look, I explained this to Mike. I panicked. I was trying Susan: Trying to protect your mother? I know. Who cares? You drove the car, you ran him over, and you left him for dead! Mike: Susan, let's go. Susan: And the worst part...all this time, you pretended to be our friend. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - bedroom] Mary Alice Voiceover: If there was one thing Gabrielle Solis would not tolerate, it was a rival, whether she walked on two legs... or four. So when Gabrielle crept into her bedroom that morning, she'd made up her mindthe bitch had to go. Gabrielle: Roxy...look what I've got. Come on. Come on. Gabrielle: Oh. Yes. Okay, let's go. Let's go, Roxy. Let's go, Roxy. Let's go. Let's go in the car. -----------------------------------------------------------[Park] Wayne: Hey there, Dylan. Don't you remember me? I'm the cop who didn't give you a ticket yesterday. Dylan: Um, yeah, I remember.
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Wayne: Would it be okay if I sat down? I just want to have a little chat with you. Dylan: Why? Wayne: Don't worry. You're not in trouble. Dylan: Actually, I can't stay. I'm meeting my friend Julie at the mall, so I Wayne: Look, I'm - I'm not trying to scare you. I just...I just want to talk. Dylan: Talk about what? Wayne: How's your mom doing? Dylan: You know my mom? Wayne: Oh, yeah. Look, a couple of days ago, I saw a picture of you and Kathy in the paper, and I did a background check, and I found out that you're living back at your aunt's place. When you left yesterday, I was parked down the street. Dylan: You followed me? So when you pulled me over, that wasWayne: I lied to you. You weren't speeding. I'm sorry. I just had to meet you. Dylan: Who are you? Wayne: I'm Wayne Davis. I'm your father. -----------------------------------------------------------[Guide dog school] Gabrielle: Oh, Roxy, this way. Steve: Uh, Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here? Gabrielle: Hi. Uh, I'm bringing Roxy back. Steve: Uh, what? Gabrielle: Shame, isn't it? I mean, I personally adored the little angel, but she and Carlos just did not get along. Steve: Really? Gabrielle: Well, sorry it didn't work out. I gotta run. Steve: Uh, tell Carlos I'll call him about another dog. Gabrielle: Oh, well, actually, we found one. Steve: From where? We're the only guide dog school in the area. Gabrielle: Well, that's it. It's not a dog. We got him a seeing... eye... monkey. He's amazing. Not only can he call 9-1-1, he can toast a bagel. Bye. Steve: Roxy, what the heck happened back there? Uhh! Roxy! Roxy! Roxy, stop! -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Gaby, where were you? Where's Roxy? Gabrielle: Oh, Carlos, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Carlos: What? What happened? Gabrielle: Well, you know how you like it when I read you the box scores? When I went out to get the paper only thinking of making you happyCarlos: Gaby, where's my dog? Gabrielle: She ran away. When I opened the door, she saw a squirrel, and she took off. Carlos: She's gone? Well, you gotta go find her. Gabrielle: Where do you think I've been? There's no sign of her anywhere. Carlos: Yeah, I'm sure you looked really, really hard. Gabrielle: How dare you. I have looked from one end of town to the other, and I'm telling you, she's nowhere to be found. But since you love her so much, I'm gonna keep looking. Carlos: Was that Roxy?
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Gabrielle: I'm not sure. Why don't I go look? Huh. No. Oh, wow. It's the Scavo dog...way down in their yard. I guess it's true - lose one sense, all the others get heightened. Okay, you get that. I'm gonna go find your dog. Gabrielle: Come on, you stupid mutt. Carlos: Gaby, you still here? Gabrielle: Yeah, still no sign of Roxy. But don't worry. I'm on the case. Carlos: Hey. That was Steve from the guide dog place. -----------------------------------------------------------[Diner] Wayne: You want a piece of pie or somethin'? Yeah, I'm not hungry either. Dylan: I don't know what to say to you. Wayne: You don't have to say anything. I'm having a good time just looking at you. You have my nose. Bet you didn't know that, right? Dylan: My mom says we left because you used to beat her. Is that true? Wayne: Yeah, I hit her a couple times. Dylan: So you admit it? Wayne: What, did you think I was gonna lie and tell you that I was a great husband? 'cause I wasn't. But you gotta know, there's two sides to every story, and I swear to god, your mom gave as good as she got. I mean, you believe me, right? Dylan: I don't know. Wayne: You know what? This was a mistake. I should go. Dylan: Go? We just got here. Wayne: Look, I didn't track you down to cause any problem I only wanted to make sure that your mom raised you properly, and now I see that she did. I mean, you're...you're spectacular. That's what I needed...to know that you're okay and...that a little part of you looks just like me. Dylan: How can you just walk away? Wayne: 'cause i'm not the same jerk I used to be. Sure, I'd like to have a relationship with you, but if your mom is still scared of me after all these years, uh...no. I don't want to upset her again. Dylan: I don't have to tell her. Wayne: What? Dylan: She doesn't have to know that I saw you. Wayne: Oh, that's...I don't know about that. Dylan: It's just that I have so many questions, and...I don't think we'd be hurting anybody if we just sat and talked for a while. Wayne: And we'd keep this from your mom? Dylan: Sure. Wayne: Well...okay. Darlin', bring me back that dessert menu. I wanna have a slice of pie with my daughter. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Pizzeria] Andrew: Uh, I think we might be out of candles. Tom: I don't think so. Check under the bar. Rick. How's it goin'? Rick: "How's it goin'"? It's goin' pretty bad. Tom: I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry - sorry for your troubles. Rick: Oh, that's touching, man. Thanks. Tom: So did you just come here to bust my hump, or is there something I can help you with? Rick: Actually, you can help me. You can help me figure out what the hell these were doing by the back door
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of my torched restaurant. Tom: How should I know? Rick: So that's how you're gonna play this? Andrew: Uh, no candles here. I'm - I'm gonna go check in the back. Tom: Great. Look, I can see you're upset, pal, but I'm not the guy you're looking for. You know I respect you... Lynette: Hey, Andrew. What do you need? Andrew: Uh, I'm looking for candles, and-and that guy Rick's here. Lynette: Oh, my god! Stop it! What are you doing? Stop. Hey, easy. Easy. Just stop it! Oh! Tom: Uhh! Are you okay? Lynette: Yeah. Tom: Ow! Lynette: Andrew, do something! Do something! Stop it! Stop! Oh, for god sakes, what is the matter with you? What are you, 12 years old? Stop it. Jeez. -----------------------------------------------------------[Police Station] Lynette: So when are you guys gonna finish grilling my husband? Detective # 1: It won't be much longer, ma'am. Rick: You know, in spite of everything that's happened, it's really good to see you again. It makes me realize how much I miss you. Lynette: If you insist on questioning my husband about a crime he didn't commit, you should at least have all the facts. Detective Anson: Okay. You've got my attention. Lynette: Well, for starters, Mr. Coletti opened his restaurant to get back at me because I wouldn't have an affair with him. Tom: Honey. Detective Anson: Oh, so you're saying your husband had two motives for setting the fire? Lynette: No. I am saying that if anyone had an ax to grind, it's Rick. Maybe he set the fire himself so he could blame my husband. Rick: I was at the gym. You can call my trainer. Lynette: And Tom was at the founder's ball with me. Detective Bryant: We have witnesses that say he disappeared for a while. I told you, I was in the car listening to the basketball game. Lynette: That's true. I saw him. I was mad that he ditched me, so I went to drag his ass back inside. But when I saw him shouting at the radio, I decided I'll just wait and make his life miserable when we get home. So unless there's a law against choosing Lebron James over your wife, I think we're done here. Detective Anson: All right. Rick: So that's it? Y- you're just gonna let him go? Detective Anson: Look, we don't have enough evidence to hold him, sir. Rick: Because his wife provided him an alibi? Come on, man. Lynette: Rick, look. You know me. If Tom had done something like this, do you really think I would protect him? Rick: Fine. [Outside the police station car] Tom: You know, you didn't have to make up that story for me.
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Lynette: Didn't I? 'cause it kinda seemed like they had you against the ropes in there. Tom: Well, that would only be a problem if I were guilty, and clearly, I'm not, right? God, you don't believe me, do you? Lynette: Sure, I do. It must've been some other random maniac with a grudge against Rick who burned down his restaurant. Tom: So you're calling me a liar? That's what you're doing. You're saying I lied. Lynette: Well, it wouldn't be the first time. You lied about the brick, and you were pretty smooth, too. Hell, I bought it. Tom: Yeah, just like I bought your story about never sleeping with Rick. Lynette: Excuse me? Tom: "Oh, look at me, Rick. You know me, Rick." Lynette: Okay. Tom: God, I felt like telling you guys to get a room. Lynette: Okay, you are angry, so I'm gonna let that one pass, and I'm gonna say this for e very last time. Nothing happened between me and Rick. Tom: Okay. I didn't set that fire. You see? I can talk slow, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - doorway] Edie: Carlos asked me to pick up some doggy treats for Roxy. Gabrielle: He called you? Why didn't he ask me? Edie: Oh, I think you were busy at the time...kidnapping his guide dog. Classy, by the way. Gabrielle: Don't judge me. You don't know this hound from hell. I raise my voice a teensy bit, and she barks, or I give Carlos a little smack, and she growls. Edie: Well, I have an idea. Why don't you not do those things? Gabrielle: Thanks for the biscuits, Edie. Edie: No, I'm serious. There was always a certain... sick charm to the way you used to abuse Carlos. But now that he's blind, it's just sick. Gabrielle: We're fine. This is who we are. This is our relationship. Edie: Well, your relationship has to change, Gaby, because he's changed. Gabrielle: Not that much. Just his eyes. Edie: Mm, no. I know Carlos. He's proud. He's gonna pretend that he can still go toe-to-toe with you as if he was the same man that he always was. But he's not, and he will never admit that. Gabrielle: Are you done with your armchair analysis, 3- divorce Annie? Edie: Sure. but if you're not gonna treat Carlos right, there are plenty of other women out there. I think I proved that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - backyard] Mike: Why don't you come inside? Susan: I can't come out my front door every day and see that man. We have to move. Mike: Oh. Susan...I know this is difficult, but before you start putting up "for sale" signs, let's just take a step back. Susan: Take a step back from what? He tried to murder you. Mike: I know what Orson did was horrible, but...I've decided to forgive him. Susan: How can you do that? He put you in a coma. I sat there day after day, wondering if you were gonna live. As far as I'm concerned, Orson can go to hell. Mike: Well, I've talked to him. Trust me, he's already been there.
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Susan: Well, that's not enough. He should pay for what he did. He should go to prison. Mike: And what, leave Bree without a husband and Benjamin without a dad? You don't want that. Look...I've done some pretty horrible things in my life, but you forgave me because you knew how much I regretted 'em. I really believe he's sorry for what he did. So now I have to forgive him. I've just got to. But...I also understand if you can't. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - bedroom] Lynette: Hey, you guys know you're not supposed to be out of bed. Twin # 1: How come daddy's sleeping on the couch again? Lynette: Come here. Come on. Okay. Mommy and daddy are sort of... fighting, but we're working through it. Twin # 2: What are you fighting about? Lynette: Oh, something he did that made mommy really mad. Twin # 1: Can we talk to you about something? Lynette: Yes, of course. Twin # 2: The other day at the pizza place... Lynette: Mm-hmm? Twin # 2: We heard daddy say that man wanted to take you away from us. Lynette: Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. I bet that really scared you, didn't it? Twin # 1: Yeah. So when you went to that party, we got on our bikes and de down to his restaurant. Lynette: You did what? Twin # 2: We just wanted him to go away. That's why we set the fire. So please don't be mad at daddy. Lynette: Oh, my god. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house front yard] Susan: Mike says I need to forgive Orson... Bree: Susan Susan: And he's right. I have to find a way to make peace with all of this. But you need to understand, it's gonna be one of the hardest things I've ever done. And like most things in my life, I probably won't do it with much elegance or grace. So if I don't come over to your house for coffee...if I don't smile when the two of you walk by, just please know that I still love you. And for forgiving Orson...just be patient. I'll get there. Bree: I think it's admirable that you wanna forgive Orson...because I can't. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Dylan: Whatcha doin'? Katherine: Working on the menu for the event that Bree and I are catering. I have to stop now to... pick up the invitations at the printer's before they close. Dylan: I can do that for you. Katherine: It's okay, sweetie. Dylan: No, I want to. Maybe I could pick up some dinner for us on the way back. Katherine: You know, Mrs. Hoskins' daughter became nice like this once...right before she brought home a boy named Slash. Dylan: I'm being nice because I've been a pain lately, and...with Adam gone, we need to be a team. It's just us now. What? Katherine: It's just...it's like you turned into this lovely young woman when I wasn't looking. -----------------------------------------------------------[Street car]
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Dylan: Hey. We have to stop at the printer on the way to dinner. Wayne: Whatever you say, sweetheart. Mary Alice Voiceover: The truth is, everyone breaks the rules now and then... Wayne: Well, what you've you been doing? Mary Alice Voiceover:never thinking for one second they might get caught. Dylan:...some things disappear. Like, that happened to me like... Mary Alice Voiceover: But if they do, they simply ask for forgiveness. And most of the time, they receive it. But some acts are so wicked, they demand only our condemnation. How do people avoid such a fate? Well...the trick is knowing which rules are made to be broken...and which rules...are not. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X14 Opening Doors -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Orson's secret came out. Susan: So you don't know that your husband tried to kill Mike? Mary Alice Voiceover: And Bree couldn't forgive him. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette's stepdaughter Kayla...never adjusted to being part of their family... Kayla: But I'm never gonna love her, and you can't make me. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Dylan reconnected with her real father. Wayne: I'd like to have a relationship with you, but if your mom is still scared of me, I don't wanna upset her again. Dylan: I don't have to tell her. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Mary Alice Voiceover: It happens in every marriage. Couples accumulate lovely things--things that make a house a home. But when the home is broken, these things must be divided. The most dignified way to do this is for each spouse to keep what is most important to them. And Bree and Orson Hodge were nothing...if not dignified. Bree: I assume you'll want the pewter cat. Orson: That was my gift to you. Bree: You adored it, as I recall. That's why I'm giving you the choice. And what about that Hummel from your aunt? It's ugly as sin, but she insists that it's valuable. Orson: You keep it. Keep everything. There's only one thing in this house that I want. Bree: I know, but I'm the one thing you can't have. Orson: Please, you have to forgive me. Bree: Orson, every wife understands that her husband will make a few mistakes--a forgotten anniversary, the occasional harsh word, but we all have to draw the line somewhere, and I'm drawing mine at the attempted murder of my best friend's husband. Orson: Bree, if I could open up my heart and show you how sorry I am, I would, but I can't. There must be something else I could do.
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Bree: There is one thing. Orson: Name it. Bree: Turn yourself in to the police. Orson: But the statute of limitations hasn't run out. They would arrest me. Bree: And you'd probably go to prison. Orson: Yes, I could go away for years. Bree: Exactly, and if you could muster that kind of moral courage, I think I could forgive you. Oh, come on. I promise I'll wait for you. Orson: Bree...I can't go to prison. Bree: Very well. So do you want the cat or not? Mary Alice Voiceover: In any separation, it's only fair that each spouse get to keep what is most important to them. That's how Bree Hodge got to keep her pewter cat...and Orson Hodge got to hold on to...his freedom. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The suburbs are flush with a certain kind of fool. You know the type--the man who opens his door to total strangers...the woman who never uses her latch. It never occurs to them that letting someone into their home...means letting them into their lives. [Gabrielles house] Ellie: Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you got a room to rent. Gabrielle: Yeah, come on in. So because of my husband's disability, our financial situation has changed, and we have this big house. Ellie: Well, it's an amazing place, and I love the room. I can't believe it's still available. Gabrielle: Well, you know...anyhow, uh, you have a great credit score. Carlos: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that? Gabrielle: What was what? Carlos: Ellie, did she just give me a dirty look? Ellie: Ur Carlos: Yeah, I thought so. Gabrielle: I'm sorry, Ellie. There's been some tension between my husband and me. See, the truth is, we could've had the room rented by now if my husband wasn't so paranoid. Carlos: Why, because I wouldn't let the Swedish bodybuilder move in? Gabrielle: You're as blind as a fruit bat. How would you know if he's a bodybuilder? Carlos: I brushed up against him. I felt his biceps. It was huge. Gabrielle: That wasn't his biceps. Why do you think he rushed out of here? Ellie: Okay, I normally dig this sort of interpersonal stuff, but I have a class in 20,so back to me? Gabrielle: You're right, Ellie. My husband was totally inappropriate. So a class? Are you a teacher? Ellie: Actually, I'm an art student. My life was working pretty well, and so I decided to junk it and learn how to paint fruit. It's, uh, stupid, right? Gabrielle: No, it's gutsy. Well, we like you, Ellie, and if you have first and last months' rent, we'd like you even more. Ellie: Fantastic. I just hit the bank, so do you mind cash? Gabrielle: Oh, no, I love cash. Cash and I go way back. So are you okay with this, or do you need to grope her, too? Carlos: So that really wasn't the guy's arm? It had an elbow. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Lynettes house] Tom: Is this the clean pile? 'Cause I'm not seeing it! You know what? Do 'em all again. This time, use a little elbow grease. Lynette: How are they doing? Tom: They are not suffering enough for my taste. Are you sure that washing dishes is the right punishment? Lynette: Well, gee, I'm kind of at a loss here, Tom. Dr. Spock didn't have a chapter on how to punish your kids for burning down a building. Tom: I just don't feel like we're handling this right. Maybe we should take 'em to therapy. Lynette: Tom, they're not serial killers. They're two little boys who were afraid their parents were breaking up. Tom: But still--Lynette: No. We can handle this in house. We can make sure they never do anything like this again. Tom: Fine. We'll try it your way. But this next month is gonna be like boot camp for these guys. They are going to be cleaning out the gutters, taking out the trash, mowing the lawns. Lynette: Wait a second. Those are your chores. Tom: No time to talk. Dinner shift's starting. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital - Lamaze Class] Julie: Okay, this is the place. Oh, here, let me throw that away for you. Susan: No, I'm not finished with it. It's a Lamaze class. I guarantee you I will not be the only woman in there holding a Chimichanga. Wow, it's all couples. I wish Mike didn't have that rehab thing tonight. Julie: Do you want me to stay? I can skip the movie. Susan: Oh, no, that's okay. I'll be fine. Julie: Okay. Have fun. Susan: Quit eyeing it. I ain't sharing. Julie: Okay, don't talk. Just listen. Remember last year when I brought up dad's new girlfriend, and you said you never wanted to hear another word about one of his skanks again? Susan: Yeah. Julie: Okay, well, I just spotted them in the hallway, and there's something you should know. Susan: My god. Julie: Okay, you're all caught up. Susan: He got his skank pregnant, and you didn't tell me? Julie: I tried, remember? I said, "Dad and Marisa are about to--" and then you stopped me, and then you said, "Talk to the hand," and I said, "No one says that anymore"-Susan: Okay, I get it. Julie: One more thing. They're married. See ya. Susie Q. What a small world! Look how fat you are. Susan: Hello, Karl. Karl: Marisa, this is Susan, my ex-wife. Marisa: Hello. It's so nice to finally meet...you. Honey, I-I'm gonna go sign us in and get us a couple mats. Karl: Okay. Can you believe this? What are the chances we'd end up having more kids, huh? Especially you. Susan: What does that mean? Karl: I'm just saying, most eggs your age don't take. Power to you. Susan: Okay, clearly, this is not going to work. So why don't you take your child bride and find another class? Karl: I know. She's young. Makes you wanna have work done, huh? Or should I say, more work done?
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Susan: The only work I've had done was getting 185 pounds of ugly fat sucked out of my house. Karl: You're jealous. I get it. She's gorgeous, funny, a law professor. Susan: Oh, no, no, no, th-those are not the legs of a law professor. Karl: Not that she needs to work. I just made partner at my firm. Thanks. I keep telling her, "Slow down. If you need something to do, why not oversee the remodel of our new ski chalet?" Well, I better get back to Marisa. And by the way, you're dripping. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Dylan: Bye, mom. I'm leaving. Katherine: Be home by 10:00. Dylan: 10:00? But it's almost 8:00 now. Katherine: Yes, and it's also a school night. Fine.Introduce me to this boy, and we'll talk about king your curfew later. Dylan: Yeah, maybe some other night. Katherine: Sweetie, I'm gonna have to meet him eventually. Dylan: It's just...I don't even know if I like him yet. When I do, you can meet him. I'll be home by 10:00. Dylan: Hey, dad. Wayne: Hey, princess. Dylan: Let's go. I'm starving. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Honey, I can't find my nail file. Have you seen it? Carlos: Is that some kind of joke? Gabrielle: Oh, right. I keep forgetting you're useless. I'm gonna see if Ellie has one. Gabrielle: Hey, Ellie, you got a sec? Ellie: Be right there. Hey, what's up? Gabrielle: Hey, uh...oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were...entertaining. Hi, I'm Gaby Solis. Drug customer: Hey. Ellie: Um, so what do you need? Gabrielle: Oh, you know what? It can wait. I'll see you in the morning. Gabrielle: Okay, that was weird. Carlos: What? Gabrielle: Earlier tonight, I saw a guy coming out of Ellie's room, so I assumed it was her boyfriend, but just now I caught her in there with another guy. Carlos: Okay. So we have two tramps living in our house. Gabrielle: That was for the "useless" comment, wasn't it? Carlos: Mm huh. And it felt good. Gabrielle: Oh, it sounds like he's leaving. I hope it's not 'cause of me. Maybe I should go apologize. Gabrielle: Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of 'em is getting paid. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Mrs. McCluskey: Hey, Lynette. Ida's cat got out again. You haven't seen him, have ya?
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Lynette: No, sorry. I hope you find him. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, if he's anything like Ida, he'll wander into my house drunk the next time "Guiding light" is on. Twin 1: Wait. Hold on. I have to fix this. Twin 2: This is so unfair. Twin 1: Yeah, I know. I hate her. How come she's not in trouble? Because we started the fire, you idiot, so now we have to be punished. Twin 2: I know, but it was her idea! Lynette: Boys? Who are you talking about? [In the house] Lynette: Kayla? Can I speak to you for a second? Kayla: I guess. Lynette: I need to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth, okay? Did you have anything to do with the fire at Rick's restaurant? Kayla: Did someone say I did? Lynette: I'm looking for a "yes" or "no" answer here. Kayla: I didn't start the fire. Lynette: No, the twins did, but they say it was your idea. Kayla: It was a joke. I didn't think they'd actually do it. Lynette: Kayla...why would you even joke about something like that? Kayla: We heard you and daddy talking about how Rick wanted to take you away. Porter was so mad. He wanted to blow Rick up. Preston told him he could use dynamite. I told them that was stupid. No one has dynamite in their house. But everyone has matches. Lynette: Do you have any idea what you've done? Someone could have been killed. Kayla: But they weren't. Lynette: But it doesn't matter! Intentionally setting a fire is a very serious crime. Don't you get that? Kayla: I do. That's why I think it's good you're punishing the twins. They're really bad kids, and they need to learn. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital - Lamaze Class] Mike: I told you we'd be overdressed. Susan: There's nothing wrong with that. It shows our respect for Lamaze, and, you know, the whole birthing process. Mike: Or it's that your ex-husband's here. Susan: Karl? Is he here? Oh, what a freakish-Mike: Don't even bother. Why didn't you just tell me? Susan: 'Cause I knew you'd make us switch to another class. Last time I was here, Karl kept throwing his perfect life in my face, and I just wanted to come back here and Mike:show him that we were doing well, too. Hence the sport coat. Susan: "Hence." That's classy. Say a lot of "hence" when we see him. Mike: Susan, I'm not gonna lie about who I am. Susan: I'm not asking you to lie. I'm just saying spin. Why won't you spin? Mike: I don't know. Karl: Hey, plumber! Somebody clog a toilet?
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Mike: I'm in. Susan: Hey, guys. Mike, you remember Karl? And this is Karl's wife Marisa. Marisa: Hello. Karl: So how's things going? You still spending most of your time with your head under a sink? Mike: Actually, I hired a couple of guys, and they do all the work. I just sit back and cash the checks, hence the sport coat. Marisa: Yeah, you guys look fantastic. I feel like such a slob. Karl: Kind of overdressed, aren't you? Susan: Well, after this, we have a big party to go to. Mike: Yeah, our social life is just crazy these days. Seems like every night we have some fancy party. Susan: Just bananas. Marisa: Why don't you ever take me out? Karl: Hey, at least I didn't ditch you on the first day of Lamaze class. Mike: I didn't ditch Susan. I was getting my 30-day chip. Karl: What, you're like an Alkie? Mike: Drugs, actually. Prescription drugs. But I went through rehab, and I'm clean now. Marisa: Wow. Congratulations. Instructor: Okay, people, time to get started. Take your seats. Karl: So your hubby's been in rehab? That's just bananas. Susan: I know. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: Wow. Lynette: I know. Turns out the whole thing was Kayla's idea. Tom: Well, I guess porter and Preston have a new dishwashing buddy, huh? Lynette: Mm, no. I think it goes a little further than that. I think we have a seriously troubled young girl. She needs...professional help. Tom: Like therapy? Lynette: You brought it up before, and in this case, I really don't think we have a choice. Tom: Interesting. So the boys, who actually physically set the fire--they don't need therapy, but Kayla, who only talked about it--she does? Lynette: You didn't see her. She just sat there, playing with her doll with this kind of eerie calm. Tom: Oh, she was calm. Yeah, better nip that in the bud. Lynette: No, you're missing my point. Tom: No, I get your point. There are different rules for my kid than there are for yours. Lynette: Well...yeah. Think of what that poor girl has been through. And on top of that...her mom was kind of a psycho. Tom: Okay, you are saying that Kayla is a psycho now. Lynette: I am just saying, apple...tree. Maybe not so far. Tom: And I'm just saying, my daughter is fine. No therapy. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Bree: Orson, what are you doing here? Orson: Bree, it's so good to see you. I have been doing some thinking. Bree: Yes, I can smell the thinking on your breath. Are you insane, driving in this condition? Orson: No, I didn't. I arrived sober, and I drank while I waited. I am a law-abiding man.
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Bree: Except for the occasional hit-and-run. Orson: Ah, the incident. That's what I'm here to talk about. I am prepared to meet your condition and go to the police. Bree: You are? Orson: Yes, I have it all figured out. The key is the sleepwalking. Susan saw it. We'll find a psychiatrist to testify that I was sleepwalking when I drove the car. It's brilliant! Bree: No, it's a pathetic fantasy fueled by cowardice and amaretto sours. You committed a crime, Orson. Face it. Orson: Bree, I just want to come home. Please! Edie: Hey, I'm glad you two are patching things up, but take the makeup sex inside. Bree: Edie, would you do me a favor and take Orson back to his apartment? I have to let my sitter go home. Edie: Uh, all right. Hop in. Orson: Oh, no, please. Don't make me go back there. The other divorced men are trying to start a book club. Edie: Oh, for god sakes. You can sleep it off on my couch tonight. Now hitch up your skirt and get in. Orson: Yeah. Yeah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bob and Lees house] Gabrielle: There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night, and I saw her counting a wad of cash. So long story short, I need your help to get that hooker out of my house. Bob: What do you want us to do? Gabrielle: Well, I've got no solid evidence, and she's got a lease. So, Bob, I was hoping you could "solicit" her services. That way I'll have proof. Bob: You do know I'm gay, right? Gabrielle: Exactly. You people are theatrical, and I need someone I can count on to give a decent performance. Bob: I don't know. Lee: I'll do it. What? Gabrielle: Well, no offense. I just think Bob has a better shot at pulling it off. He's a little more... Bob: Butch. I know. You hear that, honey? Lee: Please, the only way you'd be convincing as a straight guy is if you died and came back as a straight guy. Bob: I'm sorry. Who went to their senior prom with a girl? Lee: Yeah, Suzy Sellers, gay maker. If you're looking for butch, you should know that I played Tony in "West side story" to rave reviews. Bob: He also made out with Officer Krupke during intermission. Gabrielle: Well, I really don't care who does it. Just get it done. And...don't wear that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital - Lamaze Class] Mike: Never watch a C-section film if you had a calzone for lunch. Everything okay? Susan: Did you have to tell Karl about rehab? Mike: You said I didn't have to lie. Susan: Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to go blurting all our deepest, darkest secrets. Mike: It's not dark. It's part of who I am. Plus one of the first things they teach you in the program is it's not healthy to keep secrets. Hence, the honesty. Susan: Oh, enough with the "hence." I'm just saying that some things are private, and I think that you can be honest without being inappropriate.
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Mike: When I said it, his wife congratulated me. Did you notice that? Susan: And Karl made his happy monkey face. Did you notice that? Mike: You know what, Susan? This reminds me of the battle I have to fight every day for the rest of my life. That's what's important to me. I don't give a rat's ass what your ex-husband thinks. -----------------------------------------------------------[The therapists waiting room] Kayla: This isn't Dr. Kagen's office. Lynette: Well, actually, this is a different kind of doctor. You know, the kind you can talk to? Kayla: You brought me to a shrink? Lynette: Well, I thought you might like to have a safe place where you could share your feelings. You know? With your mom's death and moving in with us, you've been through a lot. Kayla: That was a long time ago. I'm fine. Lynette: Well, good, but sometimes when you go through hard things, it changes the way you think. Maybe we have trouble telling the difference between what's right and what's wrong. Kayla: I don't have any trouble with that. Lynette: Actually, you do. That's why you're here. So let's just wait and talk to the doctor, okay? Kayla: You know what, Lynette? Maybe I should talk to the doctor about right and wrong. Lynette: Good. Kayla: Then maybe I should talk to the police. Lynette: What? No. Sweetie, we don't need to do that. Kayla: Really? 'Cause what the twins did is a crime. I mean, like you said, someone could've been killed. So if we don't go to the police, wouldn't that be wrong? Lynette: You don't understand. Kayla: No, I do. If I have to talk to the shrink, I have to talk to the cops. Dr. Oakley: Hi. You must be Kayla. I'm all ready for you. Lynette: Actually, I think we're okay. We...resolved our problems just sitting in your waiting room. Boy, you're good. 'Kay. So we're gonna go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house front yard] Gabrielle: Target in place. We're a go. Bob: He's coming out. Gabrielle: What is he wearing? He looks like the lost member of Wham! Bob: He thinks the outfit makes him look straight. Just be thankful I got the toothpick out of his mouth. Gabrielle: Must he put his hand on his hip like that? Butch up, for god sakes! Ellie: What? What do you think I am? What? Gabrielle: Oh, crap! Abort! Abort! Lee: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ellie: You are a pig, and I'm gonna kick your ass. Gabrielle: Ellie, what are you doing? Ellie: Your creepy neighbor--he came over here and offered me money to sleep with him. Lee: Gaby, tell her. Ellie: Tell me what? Gabrielle: Uh, he did the same thing to me. Perv! Bob: Hey, that's enough. Gaby, tell her, or I will. Ellie: What's going on? Gabrielle: Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker. So I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in
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the act. But guess what? You passed the test. Everybody inside for margaritas. [Inside the house] Gabrielle: Ellie, wait. I made a mistake. Can we please talk about this? Ellie: Dude, you just told your neighbors that I'm a whore. Gabrielle: Look at it from my point of view. You're an attractive woman. Guys are coming and going. I saw you take money from one of 'em. What am I supposed to think? Ellie: All right. You might as well know. I do tattoos. Gabrielle: You do what? Ellie: See, I've been working downtown, and I have this jerk of a boss who takes 70% of my money. So I'm trying to earn enough cash to finally open my own shop. Gabrielle: You've been running a tattoo parlor out of my house? Ellie: I know. I'm sorry I lied. I'll be gone in the morning. Gabrielle: Okay, Ellie, wait. You don't have to go. Ellie: Are you sure? Because I have to keep doing my work to pay for school. Gabrielle: Well, I suppose I could look the other way for a few months. It's the least I could do for thinking you're a whore. Forgive me? Ellie: Of course. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house - doorway] Bree: Hi, Edie, thanks again for helping me out last night. Edie: Oh, no problem. Bree: Orson's car is still parked at my house. Um, did he mention when he'd be coming back to pick it up? Edie: Well, why don't you ask him yourself? He's in the shower. Bree: He spent the night here? Edie: Apparently, he's not a big fan of Fairview Towers, and he was so drunk and whiny, I just let him ride my couch. Bree: Well, um, just so you know, in the future, I'm not comfortable with that. This can't happen again. Edie: Bree...what are you getting at? Bree: Oh, I-I-I think you know. Edie: Tell me anyway, just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut. Bree: Oh, come on, Edie. You know, Carlos, Mike, Karl-- you do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers. Edie: First of all, I am not attracted to Orson. I mean, that would be like having sex with PBS. And second, just because I don't like your attitude, I'm gonna let him stay as long as he wants. Bree: Edie! Edie: Days, weeks--might even let him hang my Christmas lights. Bree: Come on, Edie. Think of our friendship. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: How'd you expect me to react, Lynette? You took her to therapy behind my back. Lynette: And I wouldn't have done that unless I thought we had a serious problem, which we do. Tom: Why, because she threatened you? Of course she did. You ambushed her. Lynette: Tom, it is one thing not to want to admit something's wrong with your kid. It's another to just bury your head in the sand. Tom: Who's burying their head in the sand?
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Lynette: You are. Tom: No, no, no, no, you're distorting reality. Lynette: There are opportunities that you can see that--I'm not! What would be my agenda? Tom: You can't pull the crap like this. [Front yard] Kayla: Wow. Porter: What are you doing? Kayla: I jumped off the roof. It was awesome. Porter: No way. Kayla: Yeah. It was just like a parachute. You wanna try it? Preston: But maybe it won't work. Kayla: It will. I just did it. If you want, I can show you. Oh, wait. You're in trouble. You can't. Never mind. [Inside] Tom: Your head in the sand. Lynette: You're burying your head in the sand. Tom: No. It is different. No, because you're distorting reality. Lynette: There are so many opportunities that you could look and see what's going on. I am not! Tom: But you can't pull crap like this, Lynette. Either you treat Kayla like she's your own kid-- Lynette: Come on. I do. Preston: Mom! [Outside] Lynette: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! What happened? Is he okay? Tom: Porter, get down off that roof! Lynette: Get up. Up. Preston: It hurts. Lynette: Oh, we gotta take him to the hospital. Tom: Okay, you stay here. You take care of the kids. Lynette: Okay. All right. Tom: I will take him to the hospital. Mrs. McCluskey: No, you--you both go. I got the kids. Go, go, go, go. Tom: Thanks, Karen. Come here, buddy. There. Lynette: It's okay, sweetie. You're gonna be just fine. There. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital - Lamaze Class] Karl: Hey, Susie. Where's the plumber? Fishing a wedding ring out of some housewife's grease trap? Susan: He's not feeling well. I see Marisa isn't here either. Karl: Yeah, she got stuck at her book signing. She writes books, like you, only hers are for grown-ups and they sell. Susan: Okay, Karl, you win. You happy? Karl: Wow. What's this about? Susan: Just drop the act. You are so loving this. You ended up with the Miss America with a law degree, and I ended up with the pillhead plumber. Bravo. Damn it! Why won't this unroll? Karl: You know, Marisa's not perfect. We have our problems like anyone else. Susan: Oh, really? You guys live one day at a time? Is your first thought when she's late that maybe she's out using again or maybe she's dead? It just seems like everything is so fragile right now, which is not the way you want it to be when you're about to have a baby.
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Karl: So you're worried you might be having a kid with an unreliable guy. I get it. You did that once before. Susan: Uh, yeah. That guy was the worst. Karl: Wasn't I, though? I cheated, drank too much. I made that play for your cousin. Oh, right, you didn't know about that. That never happened. Anyway, I lied about every bit of it. At least Mike's trying to be honest. Susan: I know. I just wish I could fast-forward through my life and see that everything ends up okay. Karl: Hey, don't tell the plumber this, but, uh... he's a good guy. I think he's gonna be there for you in a way that I never was. Susan: Thank you. Which cousin? Karl: Oh, look, a model of the uterus. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house - doorway] Mrs. McCluskey: He's a big, gray cat, so if you could just keep an eye out? Katherine: Of course. Bree: Actually, Karen, when I'm done here, I could go try to find Toby for you. Mrs. McCluskey: Thanks, Bree. I appreciate that. Oh, if you do find him, don't look him in the eye. It angries him up. [Inside] Katherine: That's very nice of you to help her, and it'll take your mind off of everything with Orson, too. Bree: I hope so. Truth is, I miss him. And I'll probably let him come home eventually. I just need to know he understands the gravity of what he did. Katherine: Well, I don't know what he did, but be careful. Some men say they're going to change, and they can't. Bree: Oh, hello, Dylan. You look lovely. Katherine: She has a date with a boy I haven't met yet. Dylan: It's just a movie. It's no big deal. Katherine: Be that as it may, it's the, what, third time you've gone out? I don't even know his name. Dylan: Mom, I told you. I'm not ready for you to meet him. When I am, you'll know. Good night, Mrs. Hodge. Bree: Good night. Okay, back to business. How do you feel about Parker House rolls? I mean, personally, I think they're played out. Katherine: Actually, Bree, can we pick this up again tomorrow? Bree: Well, of course. Is everything all right? Katherine: Oh, yes. I just need to go spy on my daughter. Bree: Ah, the key is to keep one car between yours and hers at all times. Have fun. -----------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] Dylan: Oh, we should probably get the check. I have to be back by 10:00. Wayne: We still have time for coffee? Dylan: I don't wanna push it. Mom was all over me tonight. Wayne: I'm sorry about that. Dylan: Whatever. It's fine. Wayne: No. It's not. I can see how hard this whole thing is on you. It makes me wish we could just...tell her the truth. Dylan: I don't know. Wayne: Well... it's your choice. And you're probably right. We got a good thing going here. I don't wanna ruin it. But I'll tell you something. If it was only up to me...I'd come clean. Dylan: You would?
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Wayne: Absolutely. That way I could tell your mom how sorry I am. I-I wouldn't expect her to forgive me, but I could hope she could at least...see I've changed. But whatever you wanna do is okay by me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Orson: (on phone) Okay, thank you. Orson: Well, I've got a room at a hotel in Mt. Pleasant. I guess I'll get going. Edie: Oh, it's late. Why not just go tomorrow? Orson: Well, I feel like I'm imposing. Edie: You are. But you make a decent martini, so what the hell. Orson: So... you like the Hodge formula, huh? You see, the secretEdie: I don't hear shaking. Orson: By the way, did you see Bree when you were coming home? Edie: No, I didn't. Orson: I keep thinking she's gonna call me. Edie: Look, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but...what the heck happened over at Ken and Barbie's dream house? Orson: I made a mistake, and Bree won't forgive me. Edie: You see, that's the problem with the Brees of this world. They're too damn perfect. I mean, they don't understand that people like you and me-- well, that we screw up. Orson: Yeah, well, this was no ordinary mistake. This was--this was something terrible. Edie: Was it something gay? Orson: What? Edie: Of course it wasn't. Keep talking. Orson: Trust me. Bree will never forgive me. You know what? Maybe she shouldn't. Maybe m not worthy of forgiveness. Edie: Well...are you sorry for what you did? Orson: Yes. More than anyone will ever know. Edie: Well, then you're worthy. Orson: Thank you, Edie. Edie: Don't start. I'm drunk. I'm gonna start crying, too. Come on. Orson: You're a good person, Edie Britt. Edie: Well, you're not so bad yourself. Orson: Mm, I don't--I don't think we should... Edie: You're right. Bad idea. I blame the Hodge formula. Orson: Yes. Edie: You're probably tired. Let me get your room ready for you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Dylan: Mom. Can I talk to you? Katherine: Of course. Dylan: I guess I just have to say it. I've been lying to you. There is no boy. Katherine: And? Dylan: And...well, I've been meeting someone. That part is true. But it's dad. I've been meeting dad. Katherine: Really? Dylan: So... you're not upset? Katherine: You made it very clear that you wanted to meet your father, so I knew this day was coming, and I
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prepared myself. Dylan: Well, can I go get him, then? Dylan: Come in! She says it's okay. Wayne: Hey, Kathy. Been a long time. Katherine: Dylan, why don't you go up to your room so we can catch up? It's all right, really. Wayne: Go ahead, honey. You did a great job with her. She's, uh, she's a wonderful girl. You look fantastic. Haven't aged a day. Look, I'm here for Dylan, okay? Katherine: I'm sure that's what you told her, and I'm sure she believed it...because she doesn't know you. But I do. Wayne: No, you don't, Kathy, not anymore. It's been a long time--12 years. Katherine: I know exactly how long it's been. Wayne: Okay. Good, because, um...I've changed. I'm a different man now. Well, you have to admit that that's possible, right? Katherine: You've changed, huh? Well, maybe you have. I have. Like to know how? Wayne: Sure...if you wanna tell me. Katherine: I'm not scared of you anymore. Wayne: Good. You don't have to be. Katherine: I'm not the same woman you knocked around, the woman you punched...choked...the one whose blood you licked off your knuckles. She's gone. So you'll just have to prove you're a man...some other way. Wayne: You trying to make me mad, Kathy? Katherine: I didn't know I still could. Can I? Wayne: This is a lot to deal with after so long, I guess. I shouldn't have sprung it on you all at once. Tell Dylan I'll call her tomorrow. And you're as beautiful as you ever were, Kathy. Good night. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The word "welcome" always carries with it a certain amount of risk. After all, to let someone into your home is to let them into your life. And we never know what sorts of horrible secrets they carry with them. We can't foresee the painful effect they might have on our loved ones. We don't anticipate the gossip that could result from their presence. Yes...we must be very careful with those we invite into our lives...because some...will refuse to leave. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X15 Mother Said -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Gaby's new tenant... Ellie: I understand you got a room to rent. Gabrielle: We like you. If you have first and last months' rent, we'd like you even more. Mary Alice Voiceover:...came with a dangerous secret. Wayne: I'm your father. Mary Alice Voiceover: Wayne's return meant trouble for Katherine.
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Katherine: She doesn't know you, but I do. Lynette: Did you have anything to do with the fire at Rick's restaurant? Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette tried to warn Tom about Kayla... Lynette: I think we have a seriously troubled young girl. Mary Alice Voiceover:and in his time of weakness, Mary Alice Voiceover: Orson chose the wrong shoulder to cry on. Orson: I don't... think... Edie: You're right. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The incident--as it would come to be known--happened late on a Tuesday afternoon. Witnesses included an old woman...a blind man...and a young boy. The old woman, whose hearing was not what it used to be, saw Bree Hodge emerge from her house in a way that told her she was upset about something. The blind man, whose hearing had become more acute, heard Edie say... [Street scene] Edie: Oh, hey, Bree. What's up? Mary Alice Voiceover:...in a way that suggested Edie wasn't expecting any trouble. The young boy, who was not yet 11, heard Bree Hodge say... Bree: I saw you kissing my husband. Mary Alice Voiceover: But he couldn't understand why someone would be angry about kisses, which he thought grown-ups liked. As the old woman pretended to clip Hedges she'd already clipped, she saw the body language of her neighbors change. As the blind man listened in, he heard Bree say... Bree: What were you thinking, Edie? We're supposed to be friends. Edie: We are friends. i am not interested in Orson. Mary Alice Voiceover: The young boy then heard Edie add... Edie: So stop acting like such a bitch! Mary Alice Voiceover:...which included a word he was not allowed to use. The old woman then saw Bree Hodge clench her fist. A second later, the blind man heard a slap...and the young boy saw Edie grab her cheek. As the two women parted company, a thought occurred to all those who had witnessed the incident...that right there on peaceful Wisteria Lane, the battle lines had been drawn, and someone...was going to get hurt. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It happens the second Sunday of every May. Children purchase tasteful bouquets...sign sentimental cards...and create homemade jewelry...all in an attempt to honor that woman known simply...as mother. [Outside Susans house] Adele: Oh! Mike: Hey, mama. Adele: Hey, baby. Oh, my gosh! Is this my daughter-in-law? Well, I'm gonna hug her. Oh! Susan: It's nice to meet you. Adele: Oh, my goodness! Oh! Susan: Oh, okay. Adele: Oh, my son was right. You are the prettiest thing! Michael, I'm just taken with her. Susan: Oh, well, good. Thank you. Mike: Come on, mama. Let's get you unpacked.
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Adele: Oh, yes, let's do, 'cause I brought you a present. Susan: Oh! Oh! Adele: Let's go. Come on. [Inside] Susan: Wow. It's all recipes. Adele: Not just any recipes. Some of these have been in my family since before the war of northern aggression. Julie: You mean the Civil War? Adele: I mean what I mean. Susan: Um, well...I guess Mike didn't tell you that I'm, uh, really not a cook. Adele: Oh, no, he told me. That's why I gave you these recipes, and I'm gonna teach you how to make them, too. Mike: Isn't that nice, honey? Adele: Oh, my meemaw always told me that a lady should be a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. And Michael says you've only got one of those covered, so I'm gonna help you with the other two. Excuse me. Susan: The one she won't be helping me with--please tell me it's "whore." -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Porter: I call the computer. Parker: No way! I called it on the bus. Tom: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's somebody I want you to meet. Lynette: This is Dr. Dolan. Dr. Dolan: Hey, guys. I'm Joshua. Lynette: He's gonna hang out and watch us, you know, be a family. Kayla: Why? Because we've had a couple of...problems lately. Dr. Dolan: And my job is to find out what's causing those problems, and then I can help you be a stronger family. Parker: Can we be a stronger family while playing "Age of Empires III"? Dr. Dolan: Yeah, sure. I wanna learn how to play that game. Go get started. I'll join you in a minute. Lynette: So I like what you said about making the family stronger, but as I told you, Kayla's the one you wanna focus on. Dr. Dolan: Well, I prefer to look at the big picture. You see, if a family is dysfunctional, it can lead to a child with problems. Lynette: Yeah, or a child with problems can lead to a dysfunctional family. I mean, Kayla's the one that got my kids to light a fire and jump off the roof. Tom: Honey, it--it sounds like Dr. Dolan has, um, kind of a plan here. Lynette: I understand. It just seems like...at $140 an hour, we could skip straight to the part where you sit down with Kayla and tell her to stop being so evil. Kayla: Mommy? Lynette: Yeah? Kayla: Um... I forgot to give you something. Oh. it's a drawing I made for you in school. Lynette: Oh, well, thank you. It's beautiful. thank you. Lynette: (lip language) She never does this. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Mmm. Gabrielle: Don't. we're waiting for Ellie. She's finishing up with a customer. Carlos: Well, maybe when she's done tattooing him, she can put "stop hitting the blind guy" on my forehead. Gabrielle: You know, I've been hitting you a lot less lately, and I don't feel like I'm getting enough credit for that. Carlos: You're right. I'm a bad husband. Gabrielle: No, seriously. We're getting along better. Have you noticed that? Carlos: Yeah, I think it's because of Ellie. Gabrielle: Me, too. it's impossible to argue with her in the house. She makes us laugh. She takes you off my hands every once in a while. Carlos: Plus, she's always helping around the house. I mean, yesterday, without even being asked, she washed all the windows. Gabrielle: She's amazing. I don't know where she gets all her energy. [Ellies room - upstairs] Ellie: Okay, so we're square. Dude, you gotta call me next week. I got some great stuff coming in. Detective Bullock: All right. Gabrielle: Ellie, it's getting cold! Ellie: I'll be right down! Detective Bullock: So should I sneak out the back? Ellie: Oh, no. that's my landlady. She's cool. Detective Bullock: She knows you're dealing? Ellie: Well, she's not that cool. [Downstairs] Gabrielle: Oh, hey, guys! You were up there a while. Can I see it? Ellie: Um, she-- she means the tattoo. I would love for you to see it...but it's kind of down south. Gabrielle: Oh, on his... got it. Does it hurt? Detective Bullock: It's okay. Ellie gave me something for the pain. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside a house] Edie: And Fairview has a top-rated school district, which, uh...you'll appreciate in a couple of years. Well, come on in. I'll show you the inside. Lauren: You go ahead, honey. I'll wait until Mark wakes up from his nap. Edie: All right, we'll see you in a minute. Lauren: Okay. All right... Bree: Hi! Lauren: Oh, hi! Bree: I'm Bree Hodge. Lauren: Lauren Baxter. Nice to meet you. Bree: So are you thinking of moving onto the lane? Lauren: Yes. This house is exactly what we've been looking for. Do you mind if i ask-- is it a safe neighborhood? Bree: Oh, yes, the neighborhood's safe. I wish I could say the same for your real estate agent. Lauren: Well, what do you mean? ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Katherines house] Dylan: What is this? You left it in the printer. Katherine: It's a house listing. Dylan: Yeah, for a house in Baltimore. Katherine: Yeah, wait till you see it. It's got a pool and a garden. Dylan: This is about dad, isn't it? Katherine: I'm doing this to protect us. Dylan: We don't need to be protected. He's changed. Katherine: It's all an act, sweetheart. You don't see it now, but you will. He's only back because he wants something. I don't know what exactly. I just know we're not safe here. Dylan: Oh, sure. That's it. Dad has some evil plan. It couldn't be that he wants to be in my life, that he loves me. Katherine: He isn't capable of love, Dylan. I found that out the hard way, and we need to leave before you learn the same horrible lesson. Dylan: Move if you want. I'm staying here with my father. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside a house] Edie: But what happened? Things were going fine. Lauren: I'm sorry. We need another realtor. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house] Adele: All right. Biscuits are the foundation of any southern meal. Like my meemaw used to say, "Ain't nothin' you can make don't taste better on a biscuit." Susan: A fount of wisdom, your meemaw. Well...I really appreciate this. Thanks, Adele. Adele: "Adele"? If you don't call me "mama," I'm gonna scream. Susan: Don't do that...mama. Adele: Now let's get started. We're gonna need a flour sifter. Susan: I don't have one. Adele: Pastry cutter? Susan: Sorry. Adele: Dough hooks? Susan: Don't even know what they are. Adele: That's fine. We can improvise. Why don't you start by measuring out our dry ingredients? The flour and such? Michael is gonna be so happy. After a long day of work, he can come home to a nice, home-cooked southern meal. Susan: Although he also enjoys coming home to sesame chicken from Red Panda, and they deliver. Adele: You know, it's a shame that Michael has to work so hard. But I guess with all the money troubles you two have been havin'... Susan: He told you that? Well, we're getting past it. Adele: Only because my son is working himself to the bone. You know, it wouldn't hurt for you to get a job. Susan: I have a job. Adele: Oh, you mean your little drawings? Well, it's great for a woman to have a hobby. Personally, I decoupage, but I'm talking about something that pays. Susan: Children's books pay. Adele: Really? How much? Susan: You know, I think, actually, I might have those dough hooks somewhere.
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Adele: Oh, dear. I've insulted you. Now I'm just trying to be helpful. Susan: No, no. It's fine, Adele. Mama. -----------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Dolans office] Lynette: So we were sort of surprised to get your call. Don't you need to see Kayla a few more times before you report back to us? Dr. Dolan: Well, before continuing with her, I thought it might be helpful to ask you a few questions. Lynette: Oh, go ahead. Shoot. Dr. Dolan: Do you love Kayla? Lynette? Lynette: Hmm? Dr. Dolan: I was talking to you. Lynette: Oh. well...s-sure. I've been very good to her. Tom: That wasn't his question. Lynette: Do you have a diploma on your wall, Tom? I don't think so. Zip it. Dr. Dolan: Again, um...do you love her? Lynette: Of course I do...as much as I can, given the way she joined our family. It's just--it's complicated. Dr. Dolan: I understand. The problem is, Kayla has picked up on your ambivalence, and she's become a very angry girl. Tom: So what do we do? Lynette: Oh, god. Is this gonna be one of those therapy things where she hits me with a foam bat? Dr. Dolan: There's a bond that develops between an infant and her mother. You and Kayla never formed that bond, so what we need to do is recreate it. It's called attachment parenting, and it starts with Kayla being by your side as often as possible. Tom: That sounds like exactly what they need. I mean, I don't have a diploma or anything, but... Dr. Dolan: I'd really like to give this a try. Whatever keeps you and Kayla close and interacting--go to the movies, go shopping, maybe take a little trip together, just the two of you. Lynette: Could we revisit the foam bat idea for just a second? Tom: The plan sounds great, doc. don't worry. I will make sure that they are together constantly. Lynette: Ask me if I love Tom right now. Go ahead. I dare ya. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house doorway] Bree: May I help you? Orson: I haven't seen Benjamin in a week. I was thinking I'd take him for a few hours. Bree: It's not really a good time. Orson: Well, Bree, whenever I call, it's not a good time, so if you don't mind, I'd like to take my son to the carnival. Bree: Well, that sounds boring. I know. Why don't you take him to Edie's house, And he can watch you give her a dental exam with your tongue? [Inside] Orson: Bree, you don't understand. What you saw was bad judgment on Edie's part and good judgment on my part. I pushed her away. Bree: Yes, eventually, with a big, dopey grin on your face. Orson: Can we please put this behind us? I would like to take Benjamin. Bree: I don't think so. I'd hate for him to be around when you had another attack of delayed morality, either with Edie or behind the wheel of your car. Orson: I am not having this argument. He is my son, too.
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Bree: Not exactly. Orson: What? Don't even-Bree: Strictly speaking, you're not even related to him. I mean, it was fine for you to masquerade as his father when we were together, but now that we're not-Orson: This is wrong. I will hire a lawyer. Bree: I've already hired one. You'll be hearing from him shortly. Oh, and if you're in the mood for a carnival, why not call Edie? I hear you get three throws for a dollar with her, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Ellie: Bye, Gaby. Gabrielle: You guys going for another walk? Ellie: Yeah. We found this sweet hiking trail--goes right through the middle of the woods. Carlos: Yeah, and unlike some people, Ellie doesn't let the branches hit me in my face. Gabrielle: You're spoiling him. Gabrielle: what the hell? Ellie, your door is locked! Ellie! Oh, shut up already. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Katherines house] Dylan: Mom, guess what? Dad's coming to my senior recital next week. Wayne: I could swing by and pick you up, if you want. We could make it a real family outing. Katherine: Dylan, your father and I need to talk... in private. Dylan: I'm not done saying good-bye. Katherine: Yes, you are. Please get rid of that gum. I can hear you smacking all the way in the house. Wayne: Bye, sweetheart. Dylan: Bye, dad. Katherine: Just so we're clear, there will be no family outings. Wayne: Now, Kathy, you shouldn't be rude to a man who still has feelings for you. Katherine: Meaning what? You still love me? Wayne: I do. And I know I'm somewhat to blame for what's happened between us. That's why I've forgiven you for kidnapping our daughter. The least you can do is meet me halfway. Katherine: Oh, Wayne. I don't deserve your forgiveness. Wayne: Maybe not, but I'm gonna give it to you anyway 'cause...I still think we could be happy together. Katherine: Could we? Given all the things I did that you don't know about? Wayne: What's that? Katherine: I'm talking about all those men I was with while we were married. How can you forgive something like that? Wayne: That's a lie. You wouldn't have dared. Katherine: Unhappy women do dangerous things. I think the worst was when I tricked you into thinking Dylan was yours. I wanted to tell you the truth, but I was scared...for obvious reasons. Wayne: I don't believe you. Katherine: But I'm not worried anymore because you've changed. So what are you waiting for, Wayne? Forgive me. Hey there! Mrs. McCluskey. Wayne: If she's not mine, then whose is she? Katherine: Does it matter? Oh, I guess I won't be seeing you at the recital now. Hmm. What a shame. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Are you sure it was cocaine? Gabrielle: Carlos, I was a fashion model in the '90s. I know cocaine. Carlos: Damn it. Gabrielle: What are you doing? Carlos: I'm calling the police. Gabrielle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Shouldn't we hear Ellie's side of the story first? Carlos: Here's Ellie's side. "Selling drugs brings in more money than waiting tables." There you go. Were you moved? Gabrielle: Okay, look, maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was flour. Maybe she's a pastry chef. Carlos: Yeah! And she came up with that tattoo cover story to hide her illicit baking. Gabrielle: All right, look, I know we have to do something, but this woman's our friend. Carlos: Yes, and I'm a convicted felon still on probation. Now if the police find out we're harboring a drug dealer, they're gonna fry me. We have to turn her in. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Towers - Orsons room] Orson: (on the phone) Well, the priority for me is working out custody of Benjamin. To that end, I've written down all the pertinent facts about the situation. No, I don't want to do this over the phone. Uh, listen. I'm gonna hop in the shower. How about we meet in your office in about an hour? Great. Thanks. Edie: Orson? Orson? The, uh, the door's open. Orson: Edie? What are you doing here? Edie: Get out here, you wuss. That puritanical robot bitch of yours is sabotaging my business. Orson: Okay, hang on a second. I'll be right out. Edie: You know, uh, Orson...forget it. Just--just take a nice, long shower. Orson: Really? You sure? Edie: Yeah. uh, now that I think about it, I can handle Bree all by myself. -----------------------------------------------------------[Police station] Gabrielle: So that's when I saw all those bricks of cocaine under her bed. I mean, I-I mean, I think it was cocaine, and I think they're called bricks. I'm just a simple housewife. I don't know what I'm saying. Detective Hewitt: Well, you've done the right thing, and it's thanks to the cooperation of citizens like you-Carlos: Yeah, yeah, yeah. When are you gonna get her out of our house? Detective Hewitt: Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Carlos: Meaning? Detective Hewitt: Bullock! Gabrielle: Oh, my god! Carlos: What? What? I can't see anything. Gabrielle: It's one of Ellie's customers. Detective Bullock: Actually, I'm Detective Bullock. We've been tracking Miss Leonard for several months now. Carlos: Okay, so if you know what she's doing, then why don't you just bust her? Detective Bullock: She's small-time. We're trying to get to her supplier, so we need her to keep dealing. Carlos: Wait. So you're just gonna leave a drug dealer in our house? Detective Hewitt: Yes. For now we just need you to act normal, pretend like you don't know anything. We'll move in when the case is made. Gabrielle: Okay, look, I'm all for doing my civic duty, but this woman-- she's... sort of a... friend. And now you're asking us to trick her? I'm not sure we're comfortable with this.
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Detective Hewitt: Mr. Solis, you're on probation, right? Detective Bullock: How'd you like not to be? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - doorway] Bree: What on earth could you possibly want? Edie: Oh, I wanted to thank you. After you scared off that couple that were going to buy the young house, I, uh, found another buyer, and they're willing to go 10% over asking. Bree: Well, good, when they drop by for their inspection, I'll just have to have a nice little chat with them, too. Edie: You wouldn't wanna do that to me. And after all, we're family. Bree: Family? Edie: Well, yes, since my nephew Austin is Benjamin's biological father, that makes me Benjy's great-aunt--a term I don't exactly love, but it's better than "grandma," which is what you are. Bree: How did you... Edie: Cute story. I-I went over to Orson's to ask him to get you off my back, and the poor sap--he--he'd written the whole sordid tale down and left it right there on the table. Bree: Edie, if word got out, my whole family would be...humiliated. Edie: Oh, I don't want word to get out. That would ruin everything, because right now I...well, I own you. Bree: What does that mean? Edie: Glad you asked. From this moment on, I am your best friend. You're gonna invite me to all of your fancy parties, set me up with all your single friends, and, well, if I'm ever in the mood for muffins, you're gonna bake 'em for me. Bree: Edie...please. Edie: And if you don't, if for one second I don't feel the love, I'm gonna bury you. You understand? Bree: Yeah. Edie: Good. Oh, by the way, um, I'm having an open house tomorrow. A plate of banana nut muffins sure would set the mood. Don't you think? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Parker: Oh! Oh! Lynette: Hey, honey, could you get that? Thank you. Lynette: Hey, Bree, perfect timing. We were just getting ready to deal the cards. Susan: Bree, are you okay? Bree: There's something I've been...keeping from all of you, and, um...we need to talk. -----------------------------------------------------------[Police station] Keri: Hey, Wayne. I finished that DNA you wanted. I'm probably gonna get in trouble because I put it in front of Martin's triple homicide. Wayne: You bad girl. Well, I owe you. I just needed to confirm that the victim and my suspect are related. Keri: Oh, well, actually, they're not. I ran the samples from the cheek swab and the wad of gum you gave me, and your suspect's not related to the victim at all. Wayne: Are you sure? Keri: Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, it's 100% exclusion. Are you hungry? 'Cause I worked all through lunch, and I thought that you and I could go get--Wayne? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Susan: Oh, my god.
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Gabrielle: And Edie threatened to use that to... Bree: Yes. Lynette: Okay, first of all, you're, like, the greatest mom ever to wanna protect Danielle like that. Bree: Thank you. Lynette: I can't believe she was blackmailing you. Susan: I can't believe she made a play for Orson. Gabrielle: I can. She went after Carlos and Mike and Karl. The only person she hasn't gone after is Tom. Lynette: Yeah. This woman is outta control. Susan: What are you gonna do? Lynette: No. What are we gonna do? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Edie: Hey, guys, what's going on? Bree: I told them everything, Edie, about Orson, Benjamin, everything. Edie: You did? Lynette: She did, so you can kiss that little blackmail scheme good-bye. Edie: Well, I was only doing it because-Gabrielle: You were only doing it because you're the devil. Edie: Okay, fine, chew me out and let's get on with it. Susan: It's not like all the other times, Edie. We're done. Edie: Done? Susan: We're not inviting you to poker. We're not talking to you. We're not even gonna wave when you jog by. From now on, you are invisible. Gabrielle: And we're gonna make sure every woman in a 5-mile radius knows the kind of crap you pulled. Lynette: We tried to be your friends, but you don't even understand what that word means, so now we're gonna be something you do understand. Edie: Guys, wait. Wait. I know I crossed a line this time, and, well, I'm--I'm sorry. Bree: Did you hear something? Lynette: Mnh-mnh. Bree: Neither did I. -----------------------------------------------------------[Waynes apartment - video] Wayne: Over here, honey, look at the camera. Look at the camera. You ready to ride, Dylan? Now look, if you're scared, you don't have to. Young Dylan: I want to. Wayne: No, you're a brave girl. Hold up your arm for the camera, sweetheart. How many stitches is that? Young Dylan: 11. Wayne: And you didn't cry once, did you? Young Dylan: Can I ride now, please, daddy? Wayne: Of course, baby. Young Dylan: I love you, daddy. Wayne: (on phone) Dylan, it's me. Uh, you need to come over here tomorrow. Yeah, I know it's Mother's Day, but it's okay. I got some things to tell you about your mother. -----------------------------------------------------------[Department store]
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Kayla: Ooh, I want this one. Lynette: Oh. Yow! It's a little pricey. Kayla: But I want it. You're the one who asked me to go shopping. Lynette: Well, I know, but we're supposed to be spending time together, not going into debt. Oh. How about this one? Kayla: What do you mean, "supposed to"? Lynette: I just...It's good for us to hang out. I enjoy it. Kayla: Is this something that the doctor made you do? Lynette: No. All my idea. I just wanted to treat you to a real fun day. Kayla: All right. You want me to have fun? Lynette: Mm-hmm. Kayla: Buy me this. Lynette: Okay. Good times. -----------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant] Adele: (to waiter) I'd like an old-fashioned, please. (to Mike)What's the matter, Michael? You tuckered out? Mike: Oh, yeah, I just didn't get much sleep. Adele: Honestly, I wonder how you ever get any, well, considering you got Susan in the bed sawing wood all night. Susan: I'm doing what now? Adele: Snoring. What'd you say it sounded like, Michael? A bunch of bulldogs in a bag? Mike: But it is a sound that I've come to love. Adele: You know what my meemaw did to Grandpa Boo? She sewed a marble in the back of his pajama top, then if he rolled on his back to start snorin', it'd wake him right up. But I guess you can't do that, seeing as how you sleep in the nude and all. Susan: Well, that's gonna change real soon. Adele: I'm gonna fix my face before I order. Excuse me. Mike: Oh, this is nice. Susan: Nice? She's driving me crazy. You have got to stop complaining about me to her. Mike: I don't...complain. Susan: Well, you could see how I, as the nude, snoring whore, would think so. Mike: Okay, now I might vent a little bit, but she's just trying to help. Susan: Well, the next time she tries to help, she's gonna get an old-fashioned in her face, so you better step up and start defending me. Mike: Okay, okay. Adele: Well, lovely powder room. It's amazing that such a busy restaurant can keep their bathroom cleaner than yours. Mike: Now, mama, that's--that's not very nice. Adele: Well, you're the one who told me you didn't marry her for her housekeepin'. You just need someone to teach these things. You know what? Why don't I stay a few extra weeks, and you and I can spruce the house up? And don't worry. I'll leave when the baby comes. At my age, all that crying just cuts my nerves to shreds. Now the first thing we're gonna do...is wash your walls. Just 'cause we don't walk on 'em doesn't mean they don't get dirty. Now how do you remember that? Mike:...science project. Adele: Now when you used to read... Susan: Oh, my god! My water broke.
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Mike: What? Susan: My water just broke. I'm in labor. We have to go. Adele: You're not due for a month. Susan: I don't know what to tell you, mama. Look at me. Aah! Mike: Come on. We have to get you to the hospital. Adele: Well, yes, let's go. Susan: No, no, no, you should take a cab home and start packing. This one feels like a crier. Adele: Well, are you sure I should-Susan: Aah! Aah! Come on. Aah! Aah! Aah! [Outside] Susan: Ah. Ah. Mike: You're doing great, honey. Just keep breathing. How close are the contractions? Susan: A few weeks apart. Wanna go to the movies? Mike: What? Susan: I'm not in labor, okay? Mike: But your water broke. I saw it. Susan: That was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge. Mike: What, you faked that? Susan: I'm sorry. I panicked. Your mother just invited herself to stay with us for three weeks, and you said nothing. I had to come up with a plan. Mike: Well, what happens if we go home with no baby? Susan: I didn't say it was a good plan. Do you see the effect she has on me? I just thank god I wasn't drinking coffee. I could've hurt myself. Mike: Okay, I get it. I'll talk to her. Susan: Thank you. Do you wanna go back in there right now and tell her? Mike: No. No. The restaurant just covered our drinks. We'll tell her at home. -----------------------------------------------------------[Department store] Lynette: Well, we've done enough damage for one day. Let's go home. Kayla: I want a corn dog first. Lynette: Honey, we're about to have dinner. Kayla: But I'm hungry now. I want a corn dog. Lynette: All right. Thank you. If you're hungry, I'll get you something healthy, and you can have it in the car. Kayla: Corn. Dog. Why can't I have one? Lynette: At this point, because of the way you're acting. Please don't do this, Kayla. We have been having such a nice time. Kayla: And we can keep having a nice time. Just give me what I want, or you're not gonna like what happens. Lynette: Are you... threatening me? Kayla: I'm just saying, I got that idiot Preston to jump off the roof. Wonder what I could get penny to do. Lynette: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, but that was...that was horrible, what you said. And...you should never say that again. Okay, so...come on. Let's go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Adele: Susan, you're up. Michael told me about your false labor. That was unusual. Susan: Well, it happens. Adele: I know, but usually your water doesn't break.
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Susan: That...turns out I spilled some club soda. Adele: No surprise there. Michael told me what a Klutzy Kathy you are. I'm glad he finds that cute. I myself don't have the patience. Mike: Hey, mama. Adele: Hello, Michael. Do you have a Mother's Day present for me? Susan: He sure does, but I want mine first. Mike: Mama, we need to talk. Adele: About what? Mike: About the way you talk to people. I mean, sometimes you can be a little too... honest. Susan: UmSorry. Go on. Mike: It's just...you don't realize how things sound when they're coming out of your mouth. I know you mean well... Susan: Aah! Mike: I'm getting to it. Susan: No, no, no, I love where this is going. Mike: It's just that, mama, sometimes when you're talking to Susan... Adele: Susan, you look a little pale. Are you Okay? Mike: She's fine. And I wish she'd cut it out. Susan: No, I'm not trying to... Aah! Mike: Susan? Are...are you going into labor? For real? Susan: Maybe. Who cares! Let her have it. Mike: Okay, Okay. Mama, you've gotta stop taking potshots at Susan. She's my wife, and I love her, and I can't have you upsetting her. Adele: Sweetheart, I am deeply sorry and mortified. If I've caused you any distress, I never meant to hurt your feelings. Susan: Apology accepted. Let's go. Aah! -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house bedroom] Kids: Happy Mother's Day! Lynette: My gosh! That is so sweet. Thank you so much. Parker: We're gonna go get your present. Lynette: Okay. Porter: I hope you like turtles. Lynette: So...no Kayla? Tom: She's still pretty upset. Lynette: Again, I know I crossed the line, and I am so sorry. Tom: You know what? Let's not get into this. I'm just gonna get angry all over again. Lynette: Tom, if you had been there and heard what she said... Tom: It doesn't matter. You hit her. Honey, she's just a little girl. And now thanks to you, she's a frightened little girl. Kayla: (on phone) Sorry to bother you, Dr. Dolan, but you said I could call anytime. My mom...She hit me. No, it's not the first time. I was afraid to tell you 'cause I knew what she would do if she found out. Please help me. I don't feel safe here. I have to go. She's coming. -----------------------------------------------------------[Waynes apartment]
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Wayne: Sorry about the mess. The maid took the week off. Dylan: You said you wanted to talk to me and...tell me things about mom? Wayne: You know what, kiddo? I had kind of a bad day yesterday. I sat around here drinking, feeling sorry for myself. And... and then I called you. Dylan: That's okay. If you're feeling sad or whatever, you should always call me. Wayne: None of this is your fault. I hope you know that. Dylan: None of what? Wayne: I tried so hard to let the past just be the past. I didn't...I didn't wanna bring up who did what to who or why. Dylan: What did mom say to you? Wayne: And it turns out I've been kidding myself all this time. This family that I've been fighting for...it just...it doesn't even...exist. Dylan: We don't need her. I'm fine with just you and me. I'm happy now. Dad, you're hurting me. Dad, what's the matter? Wayne: You have to go. Dylan: What's wrong? Did I do something? Wayne: Get outta here! Now! -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Ellie? Brunch is almost ready! This is gonna be so hard. Carlos: You can't think of her as your friend. Think of her as a drug dealer who could've gotten us into a lot of trouble. Gabrielle: I'll try. Ellie: Shoot! I wanted to surprise you. Gabrielle: What's this? Ellie: You know, it's Mother's Day, and...I have kind of a crappy relationship with my mom, so...this is my way of saying thanks for being nicer to me than she ever was. Gabrielle: Oh. Ellie: Oh, honey! I'm glad I didn't get you the chocolates. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Edie: (on phone) No, Travers, no, I decided spending Mother's Day with you is more important than spending time showing people stupid houses. Love you, too, sweetheart. Actually, I think mommy's gonna be spending a lot more time with you from now on. But we'll talk about that when I get there, Okay? I love you, baby. I'll see you soon. Mary Alice Voiceover: It happens the second Sunday of every May. We celebrate the women who give us life...and so much more. The ones who protect us at all costs...who have the courage to fight those who would do us harm...who put our happiness ahead of their own. But mostlywe celebrate a mother's love, which is constant, eternal...and there from the very beginning. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives
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4X16 The Gun Song (1) -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Adam was finished with Katherine... Katherine: Please get rid of that gum. Mary Alice Voiceover: But Dylan's father came back. Wayne: Bye, sweetheart. Dylan: Bye, dad. Katherine: I tricked you into thinking Dylan was yours. Keri: I finished that DNA, You wanted, and your suspect's not related to the victim at all. Mary Alice Voiceover: Gaby and Carlos were forced to go to the police. Carlos: Are you sure it was cocaine? Gabrielle: Carlos, I was a fashion model in the '90s. I know cocaine. Kayla: Just give me what I want... Mary Alice Voiceover: And Lynette... Kayla: or you're not gonna like what happens. Mary Alice Voiceover: ...was pushed to her breaking point. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Worlds greatest MOTHER - Coffee mugs to the contrary, Lynette Scavo knew that she was not the world's greatest mother. In fact, when it came to parenting, Lynette had done many things she was not proud of...Like the time when she offered Parker cash if he agreed to eat all of his spinach...or when she told the twins there was treasure buried beneath the weeds...or when she gave her kids a little extra cough syrup so she could finish her novel. But despite these lapses...Lynette didn't think of herself as the worst mother in the world either, until one horrible day. [Lynettes house] Parker: Since when do you make waffles? Lynette: Well, Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I wanted to do something nice for her. Oh, you tell Kayla her breakfast is ready. [Doorway] Lynette: Hi. Fern: My name is Fern Parrish. This is my colleague, Irene Semanis. We're from C.P.S. Lynette: Uh, one second. Preston, you might wanna stop dropping your waffle on the floor, cause I'm still gonna make you eat it. So, uh, what's C.P.S.? Fern: Children's protective services. Lynette: For what it's worth, I keep my floors incredibly clean. Irene: Mrs. Scavo, we recently received a report of some abuse in your home. Lynette: Abuse? That's ridiculous. Irene: Well, we got a call from a Dr. Joshua Dolan? It seems he was contacted by your daughter Kayla. Fern: Who says you hit her...repeatedly. Lynette: Okay...First, I'm not that kind of mom. And second, Kayla has a tendency to...exaggerate. Fern: We also have a security tape from a clothing store. It shows you slapping a young girl across the face. We're assuming that's Kayla. Lynette: Have a seat. I'll be with you in a second. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Lynette Scavo was not the world's greatest mother. But in her heart, she knew she had done the best she could...Given...what she had to work with. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: "Lynette"--It's how the French describe "a pretty one." "Katherine"--Coined by the ancient Greeks, it denotes "purity." "Gabrielle"--A Hebrew word meaning "God is my strength." "Bree"--It's an Irish name that means "power." Indeed...every name has a single specific meaning...which is why parents have trouble choosing one for someone who means everything to them. [Hospital Room 333] Mike: What about "Philip"? I like "Philip." Susan: Oh, I know you do. I don't, and neither does the baby. Philip? Oh, Phil? See? Nothing. Not even a burp. Here's a thought. How about "Nathaniel"? Mike: All right, that's the fourth time you've tried to sneak "Nathaniel" past me. I'm putting "Peyton" back on the table. Susan: I am not naming my son after a quarterback. Mike: All right, here's the rest of my list. Lucas. Susan: It sounds like "Mucus." Mike: Mitchum. Susan: Like the deodorant? Mike: Unitas. Susan: Oh, give me that. Well, we need new inspiration. Ooh. Riley. Mike: I like it. Who is he? Susan: He's a guy who..."killed six, then self." Well, I give up. He's not gonna get a name. When we want him to come, we'll just whistle and say, "Here, boy." Loudspeaker: Dr. Conner. Paging Dr. Conner. Please call admitting. Susan: Conner. Mike: I love it. Susan: Me, too. Oh, you finally have a name. Dr. Conner Delfino. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Ellie: Oh, hey. I'm going out to the mall. You wanna come with? Gabrielle: Oh, no, thanks. I gotta make sure my handyman gets his wiring done. He screwed it up the last time. You realize we could've had a fire? Roy: Sorry, Mrs. Solis. Ellie: All right, then. See you later. Gabrielle: And...she's gone. Roy: Great. Let's break into her room. [Ellies room] Roy: As soon I finish this, I'll start placing bugs in the other rooms. Gabrielle: Well, isn't her room enough? Roy: She has a prepaid cell phone, so we can't tap it. Our only hope at nailing her supplier is to record every conversation she has in this house. Gabrielle: Well, how long is that gonna take? Roy: We got a tip that she's expecting a delivery this week. So it won't be long before Miss Leonard learns the joys of a little girl-on-girl action in a prison shower. Gabrielle: Okay, first of all, you're a pig. Second of all, don't say things like that. Ellie's my friend. Roy: Yeah, well, your friend is a drug dealer, i.e., scum. Gabrielle: Hey! You don't even know her. Okay, yes, she's made some bad choices, but deep down, she's a
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good person. Roy: Yeah, well, deep down, I hope she rots in jail. Gabrielle: Okay, when this thing is over, let's not do the whole Christmas card thing. Roy: Is that your husband? Gabrielle: No, he's at Braille school. Ellie: Gaby? Gabrielle: Oh, Ellie! Hey! Ellie: What the hell are you doing in my room?! Gabrielle: We weren't expecting you back so soon. Ellie: I forgot my wallet. Again, what the hell are you doing in my room? Gabrielle: Well, we needed some privacy. See, Roy and I are lovers. Ellie: You're having an affair with your handyman? Gabrielle: I know, it's crazy. You wouldn't believe the passion. I mean, I was powerless to resist. Ellie: Just-- just get out of my room. Gabrielle: Okay, okay. We're going. [Corridor] Gabrielle: That's for using your tongue. -----------------------------------------------------------[Church] Reverend Joe Huntington: Lots of people do missionary work, but few have the guts to smuggle Bibles into North Korea. It is my distinct pleasure to welcome back, after four long years--Reverend Michael Green Reverend Michael Green: Thank you for that glorious introduction, Joe. Well, it's good to be back. Now if you'll all please stand and offer each other the Lord's peace. Orson: Peace be with you, Bree. Bree: I reject your peace, and I demand you stop stalking me. Orson: I'm doing no such thing. Bree: Really? So I just happen to run into you at the dry cleaner, the greengrocer,the post office? Orson: We shared a life together. It's only natural we'd frequent the same places. Bree: Oh, please. I saw you at my nail salon. Orson: There's nothing in the Bible that says a man can't enjoy a nice pedicure. Bree: Orson, hear me when I say this. It's over. You have done unconscionable things for which I can never forgive you, and no amount of flitting about in my peripheral vision is going to change that. Orson: But there must be something I can do. You know I've repented. We--we can get past this. Bree: I know no such thing. Now be quiet. I'm done talking to you. Reverend Michael Green: Bree, so nice to see you again. Peace be with you. Bree: And also with you. Do not give this man peace. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Wayne: You shouldn't keep your doors unlocked, Kathy. Why do you think they call 'em "crimes of opportunity"? Katherine: What do you want? Wayne: Dylan used to have a big old scar right here, and now it's gone. I'm just curious how you would explain that. Katherine: Never too early to start drinking, is it? Wayne: She fell off her bike. 11 stitches. I remember. Katherine: I took her to a plastic surgeon in Chicago cause I didn't want her to feel self-conscious.
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Wayne: Well, that's pretty convenient. Katherine: What are you suggesting, Wayne? Wayne: Something's not right. I felt it from the moment that I laid eyes on her. I just don't see myself in her at all. Katherine: I told you. She's not yours. Wayne: Yeah, but I don't see you in her either. So...let's just settle this once and for all. Take a D.N.A. Test. All I need is one strand of hair. Lee: Knock, knock. Is this a bad time? Katherine: No, not at all. Lee: Great, because we are here to throw ourselves on your mercy. We are having a commitment ceremony in five days, and our caterer just canceled. Bob: We know it's short notice. Totally understand if you say no. Katherine: Nonsense. I'd love to do it. Why don't you have a seat, and we'll talk details? Bob: I'm sorry. If... You're busy, we can come back later. Wayne: No, no. No, that's okay. You stay. I'll come back later. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Dr. Dolan: Lynette, I'm sorry. When I'm told about a suspected case of child abuse, I am bound by law to report it. Tom: Okay, so what happens now? Dr. Dolan: I'm just trying to help C.P.S. finish their investigation. They'll interview your kids, their teachers, possibly some of your neighbors. Lynette: My neighbors? God! I could strangle that girl. Tom: Honey, you might wanna stop saying things like that. Dr. Dolan: Look, for the next few days, let Tom handle the kids. Any other problems between you and Kayla could jeopardize custody of all your children. Lynette: Wait. They could take my children? Tom: No one's taking anyone. Lynette: You have got to be kidding me! Tom: This is all a big misunderstanding. I'm sure that we can work this out. Lynette: So what do I need to do to keep my kids? Dr. Dolan: Well, there are a lot of things you can do. First, no physical discipline... -----------------------------------------------------------[Shooting Range] Katherine: Bob like the idea of onion and white asparagus tart. Bree: Wonderful! With a little goat cheese. Katherine: Oh, and Lee asked for stuffed mushrooms. Bree: Those with roasted green beans as our side dishes. Nice tight grouping. You are not rusty at all. Katherine: Thank you. Felt good. Bree: Although I always, uh, like a trip to the range, Is there any particular reason we came here for party planning? Katherine: Well, with Adam gone, I've just been feeling a little... uneasy lately. Bree: It's funny how having a man in the house can make you feel safer, no matter how retiring or easily spooked he might be. Katherine: That's true. I just need to feel that if an intruder broke in, I could take care of it...effectively. Bree: You really want to be effective? Try hollow points. These rounds you've got punch straight though, but a
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hollow point blooms on impact, cuts the body to shreds from the inside. Katherine: Sounds exactly like what I need. Now...let's talk desserts. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Mike: I just have called to my mom. My grandpa died. Susan: Oh, Im so sorry. I know how much you loved him. Mike: Well, actually, I've been thinking about it. I know we will call him "Corner". But um, I'd like to name our son after my grandfather. Susan: Oh. Well, yeah, um, I mean, "Conner" we just picked it after the senior. This would mean something. Mike: So you're okay with this? Susan: I think it's a beautiful way to honor your grandfather. I mean, "James" wouldn't be my first choice, but it's a good, solid name. Mike: No, grandpa James is my dad's dad. This is my mom's--Maynard. Susan: Oh, right. Maynard. Oh, that's awful...that he died. Mike: Why didn't we think of this before? It's such a beautiful southern name. Susan: Oh, and rare, really rare. Mike: And you're right. It's a great way to honor my grandfather. Susan: Yeah. I said that, didn't I? Oh, shoot. We can't do it. Isn't your Grandpa James significantly older than Grandpa Maynard? Shouldn't we honor him first? Mike: But Grandpa James isn't dead. Susan: You sure? It's worth a phone call. Mike: Actually, I've got a cousin who's named after him already, so we're covered. Thank you, Susan. This really means a lot. I'm gonna go call my mom. Susan: Oh. Forgive me. Don't look at me like that. His grandfather just died. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Hey! Lunch is almost ready. I'm making your favorite. I take it you're still mad at me. Ellie: Well, yeah. I just don't get why you broke into my room. Gabrielle: Well, I couldn't risk doing it in my room. Ever since Carlos went blind, he's developed a strong sense of smell. I don't know if you happened to catch a whiff of Roy, but that is one telltale odor. Ellie: Well, that's another thing, you know? What do you see in that guy? Gabrielle: Uh, you know, he's a handyman. He knows how to...get in there...and make stuff work. Ellie: But he's a zero, and Carlos is so fantastic. Don't you love him? Gabrielle: Of course I do. Carlos Solis is the love of my life. But sometimes you get bored, and a big, greasy, disgusting handyman really hits the spot. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: Adam, what the-- you scared me half to death. Adam: Sorry. I let myself in. Katherine: Why? Adam: Dylan told me Wayne's back. Why didn't you call me? Katherine: Because I'm handling it. Adam: Yeah, she told me about the shooting range, too. You sure that's the best way to handle it? Katherine: Adam, you made it very clear that you were done with me. Adam: But I'm not done with Dylan, and if Wayne's back, then I'm gonna protect her. So maybe I should pay him a little visit, scare him off.
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Katherine: If you'd ever met Wayne, you'd know better. Adam: Well, then let's get Dylan out of town. Katherine: I tried. She said she's not leaving. Adam: Well, I...I promised her a trip for graduation, just the three of us, anywhere she wanted to go. Katherine: Okay. But what happens when the trip's over? Won't we just be at square one again? Adam: Not if we don't come back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Lynette: Oh, Susan. He's adorable. Gabrielle: He's so precious. Bree: So it's been two days now. Did you and Mike finally land on a name? Susan: Maynard. Lynette: Maynard? Gabrielle: Wow. Interesting. Bree: It has a very distinct ring. Susan: Okay, drop the act, ladies. I hate it, too. Mike insisted that we name him after his dead grandfather. Lynette: How did he die? Was he beaten to death 'cause his name was Maynard? Susan: I know. It's terrible, but I can't change it now. Mike was so emotional about it. Bree: Well, then appeal to his sense of reason, because the name "Maynard" doesn't go with the name of "Delfino". One is German and the other is Italian, and we all know what happens when those folks get together. Susan: Well, I'm not sure that the world war II argument is gonna fly. Bree: Come on. You have to do something. I mean, that name is practically abusive. Gabrielle: Yeah, think about your son. People live up to the names they're given. If my parents hadn't named me "Gabrielle", who knows if I'd be this pretty? Lynette: I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein". Gabrielle: So sarcastic, but what would you expect from a "Lynette"? What? If your name was "Francesca", you wouldn't have time for sarcasm. You'd be too busy having sex on a Vespa. Susan: You're right. My son's future is at stake. I have to do something. Bree: Maybe not. We call Gabrielle "Gaby." I mean, perhaps there's a shortened version of "Maynard" you could live with. Lynette: Yeah. Which says "kick my ass" less--"May" or "Nerd"? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Lynette: What's going on? Female police officer: Lynette Scavo, I'm placing you under arrest. Lynette: What? Why? Wh--for what? Fern: Kayla showed us the burn mark on her arm. Lynette: Burn mark? What burn mark? Tom: You see? She doesn't know anything about this. Female police officer: Sir, enough! Ma'am, you're gonna have to come with us. Lynette: Oh! Tom. Tom: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go call the attorney. Lynette: I--okay. Look, look, I-I will come with you. Please, just don't handcuff me in front of my children. Female police officer: Well, you should have thought of that before you hurt one of them. Lynette Scavo, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a
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court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. If you do not have one, we will appoint one for you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scavos pizzeria] Reverend Michael Green: Well, I'd--I'd be delighted to speak to them, Bree. Perhaps I can tell 'em the story about the time I evaded the North Korean border patrol by hiding in a pile of oxen dung. Bree: They'll love that. This is gonna be the best seniors' brunch ever. I'm so glad you're back. Between you and me, Reverend Sykes tended to pander to the congregation's progressive element. I prefer your more muscular brand of Christianity. Reverend Michael Green: Well, thank you, Bree. Hmm. I thought of you also. I'm so sorry to hear about Rex's passing, but I understand that you remarried. Bree: I did, but, um, I'm afraid it hasn't worked out. It's been rough. Reverend Michael Green: For what it's worth, I know how you feel. When Carolyn left me, the loneliness was crippling. Bree: I didn't know she left you. Yes, for our Korean grocer. I'll tell you, sometimes this merciful god of ours has one sick sense of humor. Hostess: Hartman, table for 4,7:30. See you then. Table for one? Yes. Scavo's. Reverend Michael Green: Is everything all right? Bree: Oh, this is a bit awkward, but my soon-to-be ex just walked in. He's been following me everywhere. Hostess: For Ace, 8:30 p.m. Yeah. Bree: Would you mind terribly if I took your hand? Maybe that way, he'll finally get the idea that I've moved on. Reverend Michael Green: My hand is at your service. Hostess: Right this way, sir. Will you be needing a wine list? Orson: Uh...actually, I...think I'll be needing a new restaurant. Bree: Ah, it worked. Thank you for that. Reverend Michael Green: It was my pleasure. -----------------------------------------------------------[Jail cell] Tom: The bail bondsman said he has to run a credit check, then he'll wire the money. So after you've been processed, you can leave. Lynette: And go where? I can't get within 500 feet of my children. Are you not up to speed on the people vs. Lynette Scavo? Tom: We'll figure something out. Jail cell officer: Mrs. Scavo, it's time to go. Lynette: No, you'll figure something out. I have to go back to my cell. Tom: Honey, I am so sorry about this. Look, it just hang in there. It's only gonna be a couple more hours at the most. Lynette: How can you talk like that? What else has to happen for you to get what's going on here? Tom: I do get it. But Kayla's my daughter, so I'm trying to deal with this in a way that protects our family. Lynette: No, you are trying to stay on the fence while I fight to stop Kayla from destroying us. But look around you, Tom. Look where I am! You have got to do something now. Fix this. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Bree house car] Reverend Michael Green: Well, thank you for a lovely evening, Bree. Oh. You know, it's funny. I don't think I'll be able to look at you as just another parishioner anymore. Bree: Now, now. We mustn't play favorites, although I will take that as a compliment.
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Reverend Michael Green: Well, take this as a compliment as well. Your eyes glimmer like the Yalu river on a moonlit night. Bree: Oh. How, um, colorfully put. Reverend Michael Green: ...( I want you...) Bree: What does that mean? Reverend Michael Green: I want you. Bree: Reverend Green! Reverend Michael Green: When you took my hand in that restaurant, I could feel the electricity, and I know you felt it, too. Bree: No, I told you. I was only trying to send a message to my ex. Reverend Michael Green: Oh, please. There's always been sexual tension between us, ever since Palm Sunday 1996, when we both reached for the same frond. Bree: No! Reverend Michael Green: Bree, if I took no for an answer, Kangwon province would still have 242 unsaved souls. Bree: Ohh! Reverend Michael Green: Mm. Bree: Oh! Aah! Oh. Reverend Michael Green: Well, now you're sending out mixed signals. Bree: Then let me send you a clear one. I am not attracted to you. Reverend Michael Green: Oh. Oh, nice. First, you use me, then you reject me, and now you're insulting me? Maybe you should go now, Mrs. Hodge. Bree: Oh, Reverend Green, please don't be upset. Reverend Michael Green: ! !!(Get out, harlot. Get out!) Bree: Aah! -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Shoot! Ellie, can you help me for a sec? Ellie: Sure. What's...Oh. Carlos: I spilled my milk again. Ellie: Don't worry. I'll clean it up. Carlos: God, I'm so sick of knocking crap over. I don't know how Gaby puts up with me. She's a saint. Ellie: Yeah, well... Carlos: "Well," what? Gabrielle: Hey, sweetie. Carlos: Hey, whore! Gabrielle: Excuse me? Carlos: I know all about your affair with the handyman. Ellie told me everything. Gabrielle: That little snitch. I can't believe she did that! Well, thanks for letting me know. Carlos: Uh, hello? Arent we even gonna talk about this? Gabrielle: Yeah, the second that bitch gets home, I'm gonna let her have it. Boy, you trust someone, and they just betray you. It sucks, you know? Carlos: Yeah, I know! Gaby, you cheated and you got caught. Now will you please hand me a plate so I can smash it against the wall?
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Gabrielle: Oh, you moron! There was no affair! That was the cop. Ellie caught us putting the bug in her room. That was just an excuse we used as a cover. Carlos: And you expect me to believe that? Gabrielle: I got news for you, Carlos. You're blind. You don't have a choice anymore. You have to believe what I tell you. Just like when I hand you the deodorant, you have to believe it's not oven cleaner. I know it's not fair. I know it gives me absolute power, but tough. You're screwed. Deal with it! Are we good? Carlos: Okay. Gabrielle: Thank you. Now please, I just lost a friend. Stop being so insensitive. -----------------------------------------------------------[Church] Orson: Pastor Joe. I noticed that there are no programs. Pastor Joe: Oh, yes. Reverend Green decided to change today's scripture reading. It's going to be Colossians 3:5. Orson: Oh, he wants to talk about sexual promiscuity? Pastor Joe: Well, it was a last minute thing. He came in this morning muttering about some "redheaded harlot" in our midst who needs to be unmasked. I don't know. I was just so relieved he was off the Koreans, I didn't ask questions. Orson: Excuse me a minute. Reverend Green: Oh. Hello. Orson: Sorry. I know this is a bad time. Reverend Green: Aren't you Bree Hodge's ex-husband? Orson: No, I'm her current husband, and I need to speak to you about today's sermon. Bree: They're a little late getting started. Elderly woman: I know, and Reverend Green is usually such a stickler for punctuality. Reverend Green: Well, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think my sermon is any of your business. Orson: Let me put it this way. If you say anything about Bree, you and I are gonna have a problem. Reverend Green: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I think it's my duty as pastor to warn my flock when a temptress sits among us. Now if you'll excuse me. Reverend Green: (on loudspeaker) What the hell's the matter with you? Orson: (on loudspeaker) I'm not going to let you go out there and trash that good woman's name. Reverend Green: (on loudspeaker) "Good woman"? She led me on. Elderly woman: Who are they talking about? Reverend Green: (on loudspeaker) She's a flame-haired jezebel! Orson: (on loudspeaker) You're insane! She is the most moral person I know! Bree: I have no idea. Now if you'll please excuse me. Reverend Green: (on loudspeaker) Would a moral person lead a man on and then humiliate him? Orson: (on loudspeaker) I don't care what she did to you. I am not going to let you publicly declare that Bree Hodge is a slut! Bree: Oh, dear lord. Reverend Green: Then again, I suppose I could preach about tolerance today. Bree: Orson. Orson. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Hospital] Susan: Hello, Maynard. I love you, Maynard. My sweet little... May May. Mamie. Nerd. [Records office] Susan: Hello. I need to change the name on my baby's birth certificate. Vanessa: Okay, last name? Susan: Delfino, Maynard. Vanessa: Where's the father? You both need to sign this. Susan: Oh. Working. Busy, busy, busy. Uh, but he told me to tell you that he's totally cool with it. Vanessa: Well, I'm busy, busy, busy, too. So when he's available, you can come on back, and we'll make the change. Susan: Oh. Uh...okay. I'm just gonna level with you. My husband picked the name, and I think it's horrible, and I know over time, he's gonna agree. Vanessa: I don't care. Rules are rules. Susan: You gotta help me out here. I'm just trying to protect my child. I don't want him to go through life saddled with the name "Maynard." Vanessa: I don't see what the big deal is. Susan: Well, of course, you don't. You're Vanessa. You went through life with a beautiful name. That's why you have such a crackerjack personality. Vanessa: I think we're done here. Vanessa: I have a couple errands to run. Will you cover for me? Griselda: No problem. Vanessa: Thanks, Griselda. Susan: Griselda...That must have been a tough name to take out on the playground. Griselda: Yeah. Actually, it was. Susan: We should talk. Bree: Hi. I'm, uh, here to check on Orson Hodge. An ambulance brought him in less than an hour ago. Nurse #1: Are you family? Bree: I'm his wife. Nurse #1: Well, he's going to be fine. There's no concussion, but the doctors do wanna keep him here for a couple of hours. Should I tell him that you're here? Bree: No, that's all right. Let him rest. But please take excellent care of him. He's a good man. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Ellie: Gaby, can I talk to you? Gabrielle: About how you snitched on me to Carlos? No, thanks. I'm all caught up on that. Ellie: I'm sorry, but I know from experience what cheating can do to people. Gabrielle: Let me guess. This story ends with you throwing your boyfriend's varsity jacket in the lake? Ellie: When I was 13, my dad caught my mom having an affair, and he walked out on us. Gabrielle: Oh. Ellie: We had nothing, okay? My mom went crazy, and I ended up on the street. To survive, I...I had to do a bunch of stuff that I'm not proud of. Gabrielle: Oh, Ellie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Detective Paul Bullock: What have we got here? Roy: That's our guy.
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Ellie: The point is, the one bad decision can mess up a lot of lives, and I just don't want that to happen to you and Carlos 'Cause I love you guys. Gabrielle: Yes? Detective Paul Bullock: Supplier's coming your way. We're gonna arrest them both, so get out of there now. Gabrielle: Okay. Bye. Ellie: Anyway, I didn't mean to get into a whole thing. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Gabrielle: The cops are coming. Go. Ellie: What?! Detective Paul Bullock: Police! Drop the bag! Drop the bag! Hands behind your head. Gabrielle: It's a sting. Go out the back now. -----------------------------------------------------------[School Hall] Dylan: Adam! Mom said you were coming tonight. Adam: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world... Dylan: Oh. Adam: So you better be on your "a" game. Dylan: Okay. Katherine: And we're all going out to dinner afterwards. Adam wants to tell you about your graduation present. Dylan: What? What is it? Adam: No, no, no. You gotta wait, but I'll give you a clue. I hope your passport's up-to-date. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house Kaylas bedroom] Tom: (on phone) Yeah, no. It's--it's okay, Andrew. You can, uh, you can just--you can finish it in the morning. Great. See ya. Bye. Tom: Need some help with that? Kayla: I didn't think you liked puzzles. Tom: Hmm. I can give it a shot. I need to talk to you...about Lynette. Kayla: I'm sorry I had to call Dr. Dolan, daddy, but she scares me. Tom: Yeah. You said that before, but here's the thing. They're gonna let Lynette go soon, and when they do,you guys aren't gonna be able to live in the same house anymore. You--you know that, right? Kayla: So where is she gonna live? Like, in a hotel or something? Tom: She lives here, Kayla, with me and the boys and Penny. This is her home. Kayla: But-Tom: But don't worry. We're gonna find you a nice place to live. Kayla: Daddy, I don't wanna go anywhere. I wanna stay here with you. Tom: I don't have a choice, Kayla. I need to keep you safe. Kayla: But I made it all up. I lied about everything. I burned myself. Tom: And why would you do that, Kayla? Kayla: I hate her. And it's so much better when it's just us. Tom: I see. And you'll explain all this to the police and Dr. Dolan and everybody, right? Kayla: Yes, I promise. And then I can stay, right? Tom: No, sweetie. No. What you did was horrible, and I can't trust you anymore. Kayla: Then I'm gonna keep lying to everybody. You don't want that, do you? Tom: (on phone) Did you get all that, Dr. Dolan? ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[School Hall] Adam: I'm gonna go stretch my legs and check my service real quick. Katherine: Okay, but intermission's only ten minutes. Adam: Yeah. [Outside] Wayne: Excuse me. Could you give me a hand? Adam: What's up? Wayne: Nail in my tire. I gotta change it now 'Cause I have to leave after my daughter's show I'm--I'm catching a red-eye. Adam: Yeah, sure. I can help. Wayne: Oh, thanks. I'm right over here. Adam: Wow, this thing's really flat. Usually with a nail, you get a slow leak. Wayne: Yeah. I'm lucky I even made it here. Adam: Well, I got this. You grab the spare. My daughter's the one that plays the cello. Which one is your daughter? Wayne: That's the other thing I need your help with. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Susan: Oh, honey. Can you get all my toiletries out of the bathroom? Susan: What are those? Nurse #2: Well, it's cute, aren't they? It's a hospital tradition. Susan: Get them out of here now. Nurse #2: Why? Susan: Because my husband is terrified of balloons. He was once molested by a clown. Nurse #2: Oh, my gosh. Mike: Oh, I got it. What's going on? Nurse #2: I'm sorry, sir. We didn't know about the clown. Mike: (Bon Voyage CORNNER!) Why does that say "Conner"? Susan: Is that what it said? Nurse #2: We had "Maynard" ones printed up, but Mrs. Delfino... Susan: Shh! Nurse #2:went to the records office... Mike: Susan...What's going on? Susan: Well...I hate the name "Maynard." Nurse #2: Really? I like it-Susan: Get out. Nurse #2: Oh. Susan: I'm sorry. I...I just want our kid to have a great name. I don't think "Maynard" is great. Mike: You wanna know what is great? My grandfather...started the first integrated elementary school in Tennessee. And you know what else is great? When my dad went to prison, the state wanted to put me in the system. My grandfather wouldn't let 'em. He took in my mom and me and sacrificed everything just to make sure we had a great life. Susan: Wow. I didn't know about that. Mike: Susan, I don't want to just give our son a name. I want to give him someone to live up to.
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Susan: Mm. Maynard. Let's hope he's worthy. Mike: Well, that part's up to us. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Joe: Well, that's all of her things. Sheila: Well, we should probably get going, hmm? We found a hotel with a pool for tonight. Maybe you and grandpa can go swimming. Tom: Sheila, can I talk to her for a sec? Honey, I know this is hard on you. But I'm gonna come visit you at grandpa and grandma's all the time. So it's not like it's good-bye forever. Lynette: Kayla...I'm sorry how everything turned out. Kayla: No, you're not. Lynette: Okay, then. Tom: I love you, baby. Have a safe trip. Kayla: Daddy! I'm sorry! Daddy, I'm sorry! Please! Daddy! Please! -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: What's in a name? Do the labels we attach to people tell us everything we need to know? If we say she's just a child, does this mean she's truly innocent? Does calling her a drug dealer prove she's purely evil? Will a man known as "preacher" always practice what he preaches? Can a man branded a villain possess the qualities of a hero? The truth is, a name can never really tell you who someone is... Adam: Who are you? Mary Alice Voiceover:any more than it can tell you what they're capable of. Wayne: I'm Wayne Davis...and we're about to have some fun. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 4X17 Free (2) -----------------------------------------------------------[The next morning] Mary Alice Voiceover: It had been 14 years since Katherine Mayfair had been in a police station, but she remembered the conversation like it was yesterday. [14 years ago] Female police officer: Would you like some water, honey? Katherine: Thanks. Female police officer: So... I take it this isn't the first time your husband's hit you? Katherine: He keeps promising to stop, but it just gets worse. And I'm afraid he's gonna do something to my daughter. Please, you have to help me. Female police officer: Have you reported him before? Katherine: Once, but when I called, they said they couldn't find the paperwork. Female police officer: Oh. Your husband's Wayne Davis, one of our patrolmen. Want some advice? Wayne's got a lot of friends around here. Of course you can press charges, but...I can't guarantee that one of his friends won't lose the paperwork again. Katherine: Then what should I do?
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Female police officer: Get as much money as you can lay your hands on, grab your daughter...and run. Mary Alice Voiceover: And so she did...to a place she thought would be safe. [Present] Detective Pete Romslo: Mrs. Mayfair? I'm Detective Romslo. Can I help you? Why exactly would you think that Dr. Mayfair was kidnapped? Katherine: No one in the school parking lot heard or saw anything suspicious. That's because the man responsible for this--my ex--knows a little something about how to commit a crime. He's a cop. Detective Pete Romslo: What's his name? Katherine: Wayne Davis. Detective Pete Romslo: Huh. Katherine: What? Detective Pete Romslo: Well, it's just, uh...I know Wayne. We've hung out together. He's a hell of a golfer. Katherine: Well, believe me when I tell you he wasn't a hell of a husband. Detective Pete Romslo: Is that what this is about? Some payback for an ancient domestic dispute? Katherine: Please. You have to do something. Because once Wayne is done with Adam, he's going to come after me. And this time, he's gonna kill me. I know it. Detective Pete Romslo: I'll look into it. If you would just, uh, fill out this paperwork... Mary Alice Voiceover: In that moment, Katherine knew exactly what she had to do...again. Dylan: Mom, stop. You're not making any sense. Katherine: There's no time. Wayne is coming. He took Adam. We're next. Dylan: But why? Why would he do that? And if we're in so much danger, then why aren't we calling the police? Katherine: The police will not help. Dylan, please! Go pack your things. We need to be gone before he gets here. Dylan: Stop! I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on. Why do I have to be afraid of my father? Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine Mayfair had been running from the truth for a long time... Katherine: Okay. I'll tell you. Dylan: No! Katherine: Dylan. Dylan, I'm sorry. I had no choice! Dylan: No! Katherine: Dylan! Mary Alice Voiceover: and it had finally caught up with her. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Mary Alice Voiceover: There's a ritual my friends have observed for years. Once a week, they meet to play a game of cards and talk about their lives. There's always laughter and wine...and talk about the neighbors. Gabrielle: No way, Bree. I don't want Katherine in our games. She bums me out. Lynette: Oh, I'm with Gaby. I mean, you know me. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt... Bree: No, you don't. Lynette: No, I don't, but let's say I did. Katherine has this aloof quality. It's like she's always trying to keep us at arm's length. Susan: Well, I have to agree. She's changed. She's not that fun anymore. Bree: Ladies, I don't know what you're talking about. Katherine has all sorts of wonderful qualities. Gabrielle: Name one, and keep in mind that "aloof" and "unfun" have already been taken.
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Bree: Well, I admit she plays her cards close to the vest, but some of you could benefit from that kind of quiet dignity, Miss I-chew-gum- like-a-1930s-gun-moll. Lynette: Bree, you can talk Katherine up all you want, but she is just never gonna be one of us. Katherine: Anybody home? Oh. Bree: Hi! We were just talking about you. Susan: Random chitchat, nothing specific. Katherine: That's nice. Could I talk to you for a minute? Bree: Hey. What's going on? Katherine: Okay, I know it's last minute, but I have to leave town, so I'm not gonna be able to help you cater the commitment ceremony. Bree: It's tomorrow! A hundred gay men are descending on this street, And they're expecting a fabulous party. Katherine: I feel awful, but I wouldn't bail on you if it weren't important. Bree: Okay. Well, what's going on? Katherine: I can't tell you. Again, I'm so sorry. Good luck. Bree: All right, you can all wipe those smug looks off your faces, because every one of you has just become my employee. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Hey, got any plans tomorrow at 5:00 a.m.? 'Cause now you do. Bree needs about two truckloads of flowers picked up from...What? Julie: Guess who got off the wait-list at Princeton! Susan: Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I'm so proud of you! Okay, I am going to need a bumper sticker right away so I can start annoying all the other parents! Julie: Sure. I'll snag you one when I get there on Tuesday. Susan: Tuesday? What are you talking about? Julie: Okay, you know that professor who read my senior thesis? Well, he was so impressed that he asked me to come out and do a summer internship. I'm leaving next week. Susan: Next week? W-well, that is a big...No. Julie: No? Mom, I have to. It's a huge honor. Susan: Yes...To be chosen, and you have been chosen. So congratulations, and you're staying home. Mike: Oh, you're not letting her go? Susan: But it's a huge honor. Yes, we've established that. It's huge. It's an honor. We get it. Julie: Give me one good reason why I can't go. Susan: Well, the first thing off the top of my head...uh...We can't afford it. Mike: Susan, can I talk to you for a sec? You know, I just inherited 5 grand from grandpa Maynard, and I... I'd really like to help Julie do this. Susan: Mike, that is so sweet. (to Julie) Mike makes another good point. Who is this professor? I don't know him. I am certainly not going to give my daughter to him for a summer. I'm sorry, Julie. This is not happening. Julie: This totally sucks. Susan: Well, yes, but don't forget--It is a huge honor. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Hey. You know what we haven't done in a really long time? Made 250 mini pizzas in one afternoon. Tom: What are you talking about? Lynette: Bree's in a horrible jam, and I told her we'd help cater the commitment ceremony tomorrow. Tom: I can't. I'm busy, remember? I'm taking this stuff to Kayla, my daughter who lives four and a half hours
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away now. Lynette: Okay, so at the risk of cracking these eggshells I've been walking on all week, any idea when you're gonna stop being so angry? Tom: I'm not angry at you. Lynette: 'Cause you know we didn't have a choice, Tom. We had to get her out of the house. Tom: I know. I am angry at the situation. Can you please just let me be angry? Lynette: Fine. You can be as angry and sulky and pissy as you want, just so long as you're here tomorrow, helping me crank out 250 mini pizzas. Tom: You know, I've been told that some wives ask their husbands for favors and actually say, "Please." Lynette: Oh, Tom. Don't you know an urban myth when you hear one? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Okay, so here's the deal. Bree needs all of these wedding favors wrapped by tomorrow, and she's really counting on me, so... I'm gonna need you to hurry. Carlos: I just got off the phone with the credit card company. Do you have something that you wanna tell me? Gabrielle: Mm...well, it would be easier if I knew what you knew. Carlos: Damn it, Gaby, enough shopping! You've maxed out every credit card we own. I mean, we are so broke right now, It's gonna be a miracle if we don't end up on the street. Gabrielle: Okay, when you yell at me, I get upset. And you know what I do when I get upset? I shop. So if we do end up homeless, guess whose fault it'll be. Carlos: Whatever. I'm gonna go read porn...in Braille. Gabrielle: (on phone) Hello? Ellie: (on phone) Gaby, it's Ellie. Gabrielle: (on phone) Ellie, you can't call me! The cops are all over my ass because they think I helped you escape. Ellie: (on phone) I'm sorry. I just need one more favor, and then I'll never bother you again. Gabrielle: (on phone) Oh! Ellie, I don't know. What is it? Ellie: (on phone) I left my teddy bear in the coat closet. I need you to bring it to me. Gabrielle: (on phone) Teddy bear? What is that, code for "a pound of blow"? Ellie: (on phone) No, it's an actual teddy bear. My dad gave it to me when I was 5, and it's the only thing I have left to remember him by. Gabrielle: (on phone) Crap. Ya had to play the daddy card. Gabrielle: Hmm. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scavos pizzeria] Bree: So after the ceremony, we'll open up the buffet... Lynette: Mm-hmm. Uh, chicken Marsala, and pasta for the vegetarians. Bree: And dancing, roll out the cake, you leave for your honeymoon, and I will collapse in a tasteful heap. Lee: Hold it. You didn't say anything about the ice sculpture. Bree: Oh! Yes, I'm sorry. One cherub delivered at 1:30. Lee: Cherub? No, I specifically told Katherine we were gonna go with the enchanted castle. Bob: And I told her we'd go with the cherub because we are not 8-year-old girls. Lee: Bob, all my life I have dreamt of having a wedding reception in which I would serve drinks from a vodka moat surrounding an enchanted castle rendered in ice, and I don't think that's too much to ask.
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Bob: Remember when you asked me to tell you when you start acting like Faye Dunaway from the boardroom scene in "Mommie dearest"? Bree: Uh, why don't I let you two work this out? Lee: Fine, we'll go with the stupid baby angel. I need some coffee. Bree: Why are you here? And don't say for the pizza, because I know you're lactose-intolerant. Orson: I heard Katherine left you in the lurch. I'm here to offer my assistance. Bree: Oh, I get it. So I'm desperate and vulnerable, and you're gonna swoop in and save the day. Well, thank you very much. I'm fine. Orson: Darling, don't be stubborn. You're gonna need place cards, and you know I have excellent penmanship. Bree: Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point. Now go! And stop following me. Tom: You're doomed. Lee: Excuse me? Tom: The way you just caved on that sculpture thing? You're setting the tone for your entire marriage. Lee: I am? Tom: Yeah. You gotta dig in your heels. Otherwise, you're gonna be pushed around for the next...Let's see. How long have I been married? Ten and a half years. Lee: I want my castle. Bob: Lee... Lee: It is the only thing I've asked for, and damn it, I'm entitled to it. Bob: Fine. Lee: Oh. Thank you. Bree: All right, so I will call the ice sculptor and see if we can-Bob: Forget it. We're sticking with the cherub. And later, when he bitches about it, I'll just buy him some jewelry. Lynette: You sure you haven't been married before? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Hey, Gaby? Gabrielle: Over here, Carlos. Carlos: You know, I got a theory as to why all this bad stuff has happened to us--my blindness and losing all our money...It's karma. You know, we've been selfish and greedy, and the universe is telling us to start being better people. Gabrielle: I just found $118,000 in Ellie's teddy bear. Carlos: Hey, universe? Bite me! -----------------------------------------------------------[Police office] Wayne: (on phone) Hello? Detective Pete Romslo: (on phone) Hey, Wayne? It's Pete Romslo. Wayne: (on phone) Pete! How's tricks? Detective Pete Romslo: (on phone) Listen, uh, I'm just calling to give you a heads-up. Um, I finally met your
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ex. She came in to file a report. Apparently, you, uh, kidnapped her husband. Wayne: (on phone) No kidding? Am I asking for ransom? Detective Pete Romslo: (on phone) Well, you always said she was crazy. Now I feel your pain. Anyway, I-I just thought you should know, huh? Take care. Wayne: (on phone) Thanks. Wayne: Okay, enough kidding around. Tell me where my daughter is. Oh, for--Did you die on me? Damn it! -----------------------------------------------------------[Ceremony location] Bree: Okay, so you have another one of those in the truck? Thank you. Woman: I'll be back in ten minutes! We need more settings on five, please. Bree: Lynette, I wish I had time to be more tactful, but I don't. Your swan is pathetic, and I'm firing you from napkin duty. Lynette: No, no, give me another chance. I will get it. Bree: (on phone) Yes? Oh, there you are! Where is my ice sculpture? No! No,6:00 is too late. I need it now. Oh, forget it. I'll pick it up myself. Bree: Why don't you fill water glasses? That's an important job, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Street] Bree: (on phone) Andrew...Look, I'm on my way back, but it's imperative that you...Andrew? Bree: Oh, dear god. Oh, no. Don't die on me now! Aah! Oh, dear god. Bree: Aah! Help me! Help! -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: I'm just saying we should pay off all of our bills and put the rest in savings. Gabrielle: Savings? Nobody does that anymore. Carlos: Well, I mean, you never know. We might have kids. Gabrielle: Oh, Carlos, we're never gonna have kids. Shoes are my kids. Let me be the mother I was meant to be. Gabrielle: (on phone) Hello? Ellie: (on phone) Where's my bear? Gabrielle: (on phone) Oh. Right. The bear. Well... I looked all over and just couldn't find it. I guess the cops took it. I'm really sorry, Ellie. I know it was a gift from your dad. It just breaks my heart. Ellie: (on phone) You found the money, didn't you? Gabrielle: (on phone) Money? What money? Ellie: (on phone) You're lying. I can hear it in your voice. Gabrielle: (on phone) What's wrong with my voice? Ellie: (on phone) Okay, listen, bitch. You do not wanna screw with me. Gabrielle: (on phone) How about we split it 50-50? Ellie: (on phone) I'm coming to get my money, and if one dime is missing, I will throw acid in your face. Gabrielle: Okay, we really need to get caller I.D. -----------------------------------------------------------[Street] Bree: Ugh. What more can you do to me? Orson: Need a lift? ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Susans house doorway] Susan: Hey. Katherine: Hi. Is, uh, Dylan here by any chance? Susan: Uh, um, no, I-I haven't seen her. Katherine: Okay. Thanks. Susan: Hey, Katherine, are you all right? Katherine: Uh...Dylan and I, we...had a big fight. Susan: Well, I'm sure she's just upset, and she'll come home after she cools off. Katherine: Not this time. I lied to her. Susan: Well... we all lie to our kids sometimes, right? Katherine: I've been doing it her whole life--One lie on top of another--and the thing...I learned too late is that eventually they all come crashing down on you. Anyway, if you see her, let me know? Thanks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Wayne: What's your hurry, Kathy? Katherine: Aah! Aah! Aah. Wayne: What happened to my daughter? Katherine: I'm not telling you anything, so you might as well kill me. I don't care. Wayne: I believe you. I do. But what about Dylan? Or should I say, that girl that lives here with you? I bet you'd care if I killed her. -----------------------------------------------------------[Ceremony location] Lynette: Uh...there are no wings. Bree: Yes, and the "Venus de Milo" is missing two arms. What's your point? Lynette: It's...stunning. Bree: Well, I suppose I should say thank you. Orson: Oh, it's no big deal. You're just lucky I was there. Bree: Was I lucky, or were you following me? Orson: I thought you might need my help. Bree: And you were right. I did. You just think I'm being stubborn, don't you? Making you jump through hoops when it's so clear we belong together. Orson: I don't think anything, Bree. I'm just trying to be there for you and hoping eventually you'll forgive me. Bree: But that's just it, Orson. If I forgive you, then I'm forgiving what you did to Mike. I can't do that. And-- and you wouldn't want me to. I mean, be honest with yourself. If I took you back now, I wouldn't be the woman you love. Orson: Then what can I do? Bree: I've already told you. Turn yourself in to the police and let justice run its course. Orson: I can't do that, Bree. I want to, for you, more than anything. But I don't think I could survive it. Bree: Well...so here we are. Lee: What is this? Lynette: It's your ice sculpture. Lee: No, it's not. I see no turrets. I see no flags. I see no moat full of vodka. What I see is a giant, icy slap in the face. Bob! ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Susans house] Julie: What's that? Susan: I want to be able to reach you this summer when you're doing that internship. Julie: You changed your mind? Susan: Here's the thing. You and I have always had kind of an unconventional relationship, and the reason that worked was because we always tell each other the truth...until yesterday. Julie, I lied about not having enough money to send you. Julie: Why? Susan: Because I just freaked out about you leaving. Julie: But you knew I was going away to college. Susan: Yes, in the fall. And I needed those extra three months to get ready. I...I still have not figured out how I'm gonna get by without you. Julie: Mom... Susan: Seriously...I just lean on you in ways you don't even know. Julie: I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Susan: Well...I spend more time with me than you do, and I'm a mess. Julie: Well, you were when dad left. I had my hands full then. But you've grown so much these last five years. Susan: Really? Julie: You are a secure, confident woman now. You're ready to spread your wings and fly. Frankly, my work here is done. Susan: Thanks. Now I want you to have that phone on you at all times...because I'm still not sure how to work the dishwasher. -----------------------------------------------------------[Ceremony location] Woman: Can you help me? Bob: For god sake, Lee! It's just an ice sculpture! Lee: It is not "just an ice sculpture"! It's the sculpture and making me move to the suburbs and forcing me to be nice to your homophobic boss. You know what? Tom's right. If I don't start standing up for myself, I'm doomed. Tom: I don't believe I used the word "doomed". Lee: You're always overruling me. You treat me like a child. Well, I've had it! Ceremony's off, Mein Fuhrer! Bob: It's a chunk of ice, you drama queen! Tom: Okay... All I said was-Lynette: I don't care what you said. We have to fix this! Or do you want to tell bree that you torpedoed her ceremony? Bree: I did not tell you to put mums in that arrangement! And don't point your finger at me or I'll snap it right off. Tom: I'll find Bob. Lynette: I'll get Lee. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bob and Lees house] Lee: You can't make me talk to him. Lynette: Yeah, I can. Sit down. Earlier, my husband, in an attempt to help you with your relationship, mistakenly gave you some advice, which he would now like to take back. Tom?
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Tom: Actually, I stand by everything I said. My mistake was in not going far enough. Lynette: What? Tom: If you're willing to break up over an ice sculpture, you guys should absolutely not get married. Lynette: Where the hell are you going with this? Tom: Because who gets to choose the ice sculpture, who should take out the trash, who has to stay home and make the mini pizzas--That's the little stuff. What are you gonna do when the big stuff comes along? Lynette: Could you give us a second? Tom: No. What are you gonna do when a tornado hits your house, or you have problems with your kids, or one of you gets cancer? At some point, the crap is going to hit the fan, and that is why now, before you make the commitment, you have to ask yourself, Is that person in bed next to you worth the trouble? Do you love him...or her so much that no disease, no disaster could possibly pull you apart? Lynette: Answer him. Bob: Sure. I do. Lynette: Good. Good, then...get out there and get committed, you crazy kids. -----------------------------------------------------------Driver: Oh, my god. Are you okay? You need some help? Adam: Yes. Thanks for stopping. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: (on phone) Yes, officer. I see you. Thank you for coming. Now remember, Ellie's dangerous. So if she shows up, feel free to use excessive force. Gabrielle: Carlos, are you almost ready? Carlos? Did you hear me? Carlos: I'm just getting my jacket. Gabrielle: Oh, honey, can you carry the house keys? They don't fit in my purse. Carlos: Ellie's upstairs. Gabrielle: What?! Carlos: She's in our bedroom. I heard her breathing. Call the cops. Gabrielle: Wait! She's gonna steal our money! Carlos: You can't go up there. It's too dangerous. Gabrielle: Well ,not as dangerous as poverty! Carlos: Gaby. Carlos: Gaby? What's going on? Gabrielle: Aah! Carlos! Carlos, don't just stand there! Go get help! Carlos: Help! Police! Gabrielle: That's the closet! Ellie: Ow! Gabrielle: Police! Police! Get in here now! -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: Wayne. I don't think you've thought this through. Wayne: Shut up. Katherine: If I tell you what happened, if I don't tell you...you're gonna kill me anyway. Who you gonna pin it on? We have history. Right now I'm just your bitter, crazy ex. But if I turn up dead, and you have no alibi... Wayne: You let me worry about that. Ellie: Look, I'm having a little problem right now. I just need to hide here for a sec. And I don't wanna hurt you, so don't make me. All right? Good. I'm glad we understand each other.
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Wayne: Hum, and with your gun, too. I guess I just found my alibi. -----------------------------------------------------------[Ceremony] Female chief witness: And now we will do the exchanging of the rings... Mrs. McCluskey: Snappy ceremony, Bree. You and Katherine really did a bang-up job. Bree: No, I did a bang-up job. Katherine bailed on me and left town last night. Mrs. McCluskey: I think you got hosed. I just saw her an hour ago. Female chief witness:...here at this joyous and festive occasion. Please join hands. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Wayne: She was on the run, she broke in, she stabbed you, you shot her. Case closed. It's like the alibi fairy left me a present. Katherine: But I do wonder...what if Dylan doesn't come back? We had a fight. She said she hated me, said she was leaving...for good. Wayne: Is that the best you can do, Kathy? Katherine: I know it sounds convenient. But what happens if it's true? Because you don't have another plan. She was the only way you could make me tell you the truth. Bree: Katherine? It's Bree. We need to talk now! [Outside] Mrs. McCluskey: That girl that was living with the Solises? Actually, I thought I saw her heading down that way. Hope you find her. I'd hate to think there was some maniac running around our neighborhood. [Inside] Katherine: I'm so sorry about this. Wayne: Shut it! So let me catch you up. I need to know something that only my ex-wife can tell me, but she doesn't want to. She needs a little incentive. So that's where you come in. Katherine: Wayne...please don't. Wayne: Yeah? How is it gonna feel knowing...that you could've stopped this? Katherine: All right! I'll tell you. Katherine Voiceover: After I left you...a few months passed, and I convinced myself that you'd forgotten about us. But I was wrong. [Lillians house - 12 years ago] Katherine: How was Dylan? Did she behave herself? Mary Alice: She's an angel. I...just hope I didn't do something wrong. Katherine: What do you mean? Mary Alice: Well, your ex-husband was here earlier, and, of course, I didn't know it was him until Dylan called him "Daddy." I'm sorry, I should've called you, but Dylan was just so happy to see him. He brought her a bicycle and a doll. And she won't let that doll out of her sight. Katherine, what's going on? Katherine Voiceover: I was going to run again, but you didn't give me enough time. Lillian: Wayne just drove up. Should we call the police? Katherine: No. Let him in. Katherine Voiceover: I knew it was time to face you and let you know you were not welcome in my home, and neither were your gifts. Wayne: Do you know how much money I spent looking for you? Katherine: I'm sure you still had enough to buy liquor by the caseload. Wayne: Look who's gotten sassy while she's been away. I think I like it. Katherine: What do you want, Wayne? Wayne: I want my daughter back.
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Katherine: Why? You gotten lazy in your old age? You need somebody smaller to pound on? Wayne: I never touched a hair on her head! Katherine: Yeah, but now she's gotten older and sassier, I'm sure you'll find all sorts of reasons to hit her. Wayne: I don't have to ask, you know. I could just go up there if I want. Katherine: She is asleep! Get the hell out! Wayne: I'm her father! Katherine: I said no! Wayne: I'm bleeding. Katherine: Profusely. You should see a doctor. Wayne: I'll be back for my daughter. Katherine: You just understand this...There is nothing that I will not do to keep you away from her. Nothing. Lillian: Are you all right? I heard a crash. Katherine: I hit him with the candlestick, he went down pretty hard. Lillian: Thank god. I think now would be a good time to break out the 10-year-old Scotch I've been saving. Katherine Voiceover: I honestly thought it was finally over. I don't know how I could've been so wrong. Lillian: Katherine! I came in to give her another blanket. Her hand is ice-cold! Katherine Voiceover: Aunt Lily told me I couldn't go to the police. She'd said you'd make it seem like I killed Dylan to keep you from taking her, so I let her bury my baby in the woods. I knew I'd have to run away again, but I also knew you'd never stop looking for me, so I came up with a plan. I found a girl in a Romanian orphanage who looked just like Dylan. The resemblance was uncanny. Her mother had died in childbirth, and her father had been murdered. As I looked into those big, blue eyes, I knew right then...She needed me as much as I needed her. [Present] Katherine: I've never told that to anyone. I even lied to Adam and said it was your fault. And that's how I've spent the last 12 years...Just telling one lie after another. [Outside] Man: Hold it, hold it. I'm sorry, sir. We're having a party. You can't park here. [Inside] Wayne: So you let her die. [Outside] Man: If you don't mind, I need you to park around the corner, okay? Thank you! [Inside] Wayne: You let my daughter die...like a dog. Bree: It was an accident. Wayne: Then you buried her like one. Katherine: Because I had to. I knew if you found out, y... Wayne: That I would kill you. Adam: Katherine! Where are you?! Katherine: Adam! Get out! He's got a gun! Adam: You just watch over him for a sec? I'm gonna call the cops. Bree: First we have to do something to stop that bleeding. Adam: Okay. Wayne: Go ahead. You call the cops. Ask for my buddy Romslo...or Captain Mcmurphy. We play softball together. Those guys'll take care of me. And even if I do a little time...You know this isn't over. I'll get out and I'll find you, and I'll make you pay. I know you will. [Outside]
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Susan: My god! Bree,are you all right? Lynette: What the hell is going on?! Bree: We don't have much time before the police get here. We need to talk. Gabrielle: Excuse me. Susan! Susan: Come here, come here. Gabrielle: What's going on? Susan: Okay, just listen to me. [Inside] Uniformed cop: Ma'am, you have to talk to us. We need to know what happened. Ma'am? [Outside] Bree: Then he raised the gun and came toward us. Thank god Katherine grabbed his arm and got the gun away. That lunatic would've killed us all. Susan: I knew Wayne was the reason she moved away, and the second she moved back, he started stalking her again. Gabrielle: She was always telling us how terrified she was. Lynette: We always knew he'd do something like this eventually, and he did. [Inside] Detective Pete Romslo: Look...This was obviously self-defense. Take the cuffs off, get her to the hospital. [Outside] Dylan: Mom? Mom! I'm so sorry, Mom. -----------------------------------------------------------[Five years later] [Gabrielles house] Mary Alice Voiceover: There's a ritual my friends have observed for years. Once a week, they meet to play a game of cards and talk about their lives. Of course, there's another aspect to these gatherings that has nothing to do with gossip or poker. Every seven days, my friends are reminded of a basic human truth...There is nothing more important than friendships that endure, especially in a world that insists on changing. Gabrielle: Okay, my friends are gone. I'm ready to fix you dinner. What the hell are you doing?! Juanita: Mommy, we're playing fashion model! Gabrielle: Look at this mess! You are lucky I got in here before you touched my dresses! Juanita: Run, Celia, run! Gabrielle: My Vera Wang?! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: I'm home! Andrew: Oh, thank god. The publisher sent over the galley for the cookbook. He needs you to proof them tonight. I've also got the woman from "The New York Times" on the phone. She wants to do the interview now. Orson: Is that you, Bree? The water's getting cold. Bree: Leave the galleys in my office and tell the woman from "The Times" to call me back in the morning. I'm gonna have a nice bubble bath with my husband. Coming, Orson! ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Lynettes house] Lynette: Why is there a police car in our driveway? Policeman officer: I was telling your husband we just picked up your son. He broke into a car at the mall and took it for a joyride. Lynette: Again? I am so sorry, officer. We have talked to Porter till we're blue in the face. It's like he's determined to go back to juvenile hall. Tom: Honey, it wasn't Porter this time. They arrested Preston. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Dylan: (on phone) It's me, mom. I'm back from Paris. It was just as gorgeous as you said it would be, and you're not gonna believe this. Bradley finally asked me to marry him right there under the Eiffel Tower. I'm so happy. Call me back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Honey? I'm home. Did you miss me? Ken: You know I did. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X01 Youre gonna love tomorrow -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: 5 years ago, Susan Delfino gave birth to a son in Delivery Room A in hospital. Moments later, Lelar Dash gave birth to a daughter in Delivery Room B around 10 ten at next morning. As the two new mothers were leaving the hospital, they nearly ran into each other. Of course, they never knew this. In fact, Susan and Lelar would have been surprised to know how often their pasts would cross over the years. They almost met in the local coffee shop and another time at their veterinarian office. And again in the bleacher of Fairview flyers. But despite these close calls, Susan and Lelar never met. Until one Tuesday, when Susan decided to take her husband to a fancy restaurant for their anniversary. At the same Time, Lelar decided to take her daughter to buy some ice-cream. That was the night that Susan Delfino and Lelar Dash, finally, ran into each other. [Highway] Susan: Mike. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It will happen to all of us eventually. The moment will come when we ask ourselves...Where did the Time go? How did the children I once cradled...grow up so very quickly? How did the life I dreamt of...turn into a career I never expected? And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror...become someone I don't even recognize? [Store] Gabrielle: Juanita, this dress is awfully tight. I don't think you can get into it. Juanita: No, it's pretty. I can do it. Saleswoman: How's that one fit?
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Gabrielle: Oh, I think we're gonna need the next size up. Saleswoman: Uh, there is no next size up. They don't make princess dresses for girls over 7. Gabrielle: She's only 4 1/2. Saleswoman: Oh. Wow. Gabrielle: Look, my daughter was invited to a princess party, so I can't let her be the only girl there without a princess dress. Saleswoman: Did you try the costume section? I bet they'd have a Mrs. Shrek dress that would fit her. Gabrielle: Juanita, take off the dress! We're going. Juanita: No! I can do it. Saleswoman: Look, I feel for you. My niece also has a weight problem. Gabrielle: My daughter does not have a weight problem. She has a little baby fat, that's all. In fact, the only problem she has is this store being completely unprepared for a perfectly average 4-year-old girl. Just ring it up. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - Kitchen] Photographer: No, no, no! Bree: Oh, for god sakes. What's wrong now? Photographer: Once again, the concept is, sweetie, you're taking the pie out of the oven, your face aglow with surprise. Bree: Why am I surprised? Photographer: Because it turned out so perfectly. Bree: Well, that's no surprise. My pies are always perfect. Photographer: All right. It's your best pie ever. You've topped yourself. Hmm? Bree: Mm. And I know this before I've tasted it? Photographer: Sweetie, just make whatever face you want. I just think you'll sell more cookbooks if you don't look like you just made love to an ice cube. Bree: Andrew, dear, I'm going to take a little break. Would you please tell this gentleman that if he calls me "sweetie" one more time, I'm gonna grab his camera and take picture of his colon. Andrew: You got that, right? Bree: Katherine, hi. What are you doing here? Katherine: The waiters need to be paid, and you took the key to the cashbox... again. Bree: Oh. Sorry. Paid for what? Katherine: The Armenian wedding? Lunch for 300? It was right after the breakfast for the garden club, which you also missed. Bree: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know a photo shoot would take this long. I mean, who knew it'd be this hard to pose for a book cover? Katherine: Oh, you'll be fine. If there's one thing you're really good at, it's posing as a chef. Bree: Okay, Katherine. I know this book has been monopolizing my time, and you feel overworked and undervalued. But I do appreciate you. In fact, I have a gift for you. It's the galleys of my new book. Read page 2. Katherine: "For Katherine Mayfair--"a wonderful cook and an even better friend." You dedicated it to me? Bree: Well, you make this all possible. Katherine: It's the least I could do. Photographer: Ahem! Excuse me. Time is money. Chop-chop, sweetie. Bree: Andrew... Do we have a backup pie? Andrew: Yes. Yes, we do.
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Bree: Good. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Pizza Restaurant] Preston: And the big blind...catches a jack on the river. Lynette: Preston? Preston: Mom! Lynette: What the hell's going on here? Preston: Don't freak out. We're just playing cards. Lynette: Oh, yeah? Why didn't you play at home? Why did you have to sneak in here? Porter: Tequila shots! 5 bucks! Lynette: Asked and answered. Okay, that's it! Everybody out. Game's over. Can I have your chair for a second? Hey! Look up here! Mom's here. Party's over. Door's open. Out you go. Go on. Shoo! You guys have pulled a lot of stupid stunts. But this? This? Risking our liquor license, our livelihood? Porter: Who's going to find out? I mean, we've been running this game for a month, and nobody-Lynette: Unbelievable. You guys are grounded for two weeks. Preston: But we have homecoming. Lynette: Yeah, yeah! Keep complaining. I'd love to make it a year. Now clean this place up. Now! -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house bedroom] Jackson: Wow. That was fantastic. Susan: Amazing. Jackson: Whew. You were incredible. Susan: So were you. Oh. And...Time to go. Jackson: Susan? So it's been, what, four months? Are you ever gonna let me spend the night? Susan: I don't know. Come on, zippy, zippy. Jackson: Okay. It's just, you know...Girls usually beg me to spend the night. Susan: Well, good, then you shouldn't have any problem finding a place to sleep. Jackson: Fine. I know the drill. I can't spend the night. I can't meet your friends. I can't meet your son. I'm just wondering--Is this ever gonna turn into something normal? Susan: You know, you're a guy, and we just had hot sex, and I didn't force you to cuddle. So run! Go! Brag to your friends. Jackson: Look...I like you, and I know you like me. So why can't we be a couple? Susan: 'cause I'm... not ready for that. And what we've got-- that's all I can handle. Go. Jackson: Okay, but that's only gonna work, like, 500 or 600 more times. -----------------------------------------------------------[Raymonds house - doorway] Raymond: Good evening. Can I help you? Dave: Wrong question. The question is, can I help you? Raymond: Look, if you're trying to sell me something, I don't have any money. Dave: You do now. Raymond: I don't understand. Dave: I'm here to buy you out of your lease. Raymond: What? Dave: I know. It's sudden. But there's something about this house that...Well, it just feels like home to me. So I'd like to move in... tonight. Raymond: Tonight? Are you crazy?
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Dave: A little bit. Okay, here. I will more than cover your moving expenses. Raymond: Look, uh... I-I'm all set up here. Besides, my landlady would never allow it. Dave: Why don't you let me worry about her? Raymond: Mm, no. I-I don't have anywhere else to go. Dave: I think you should leave. Look, Raymond... Raymond: How do you know my name? Dave: I made you a very generous offer, and I just know you're going to make the right decision. Five. Raymond: Five what? What are you talking about? Dave: Four. Raymond: Are you-- I don't understand. Dave: Three. Raymond: O-okay. Hang on for a second. Dave: Two. Well, Raymond, thank you very much. Here you go. Take care. All taken care of... Mrs. Williams. Edie: Thank you... Mr. Williams. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Mary Alice Voiceover: The next morning, Edie Britt decided to announce her return to Wisteria Lane in a way... that was guaranteed...to make a big splash. Lynette: (on phone) Okay, you're not gonna believe this, but...she's back. Susan: Edie? Is that really you? Edie: You know someone else my age with a body like this? Bree: So you're back? Lynette: What happened to your tenant? Edie: He, uh, came into some money and decided to move. We thought, what the heck? Let's move back! Gabrielle: "We"? Edie: Oh, you don't know. I have a husband now. Susan: Really? Whose? [Inside Edies house] Dave: So I'm in Vegas talking to this real estate convention. I do a little motivational speaking. And there-sixth row, center aisle, is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. So after I finish, I walk into the audience and I ask this goddess out. Edie: His seminar was called "Getting what you want," and he did...three Times. Hmm. Before dinner. Bree: Well, it's certainly nice to meet you, Dave, and let us be the first to welcome you to Wisteria Lane. Gabrielle: Oh, you know what? We should have a dinner or something. Lynette: Oh, let's make it a party. We could do it at my restaurant. Dave: We'd be honored. Gabrielle: Thank you. Edie: So, Gaby, I have to ask. What the hell happened to you? I mean, look at you. Your--your clothes, your--your hair. Carlos might be blind, but the rest of us aren't. Gabrielle: I had two children. Edie: For what? Breakfast? Dave: Edie? On your first day back in the neighborhood? Edie: You're right. I'm sorry, Gaby. It was rude and insensitive, and it won't happen again. Gabrielle: Really? Are you okay? Dave: Now shouldn't we offer your friends something to eat? Edie: Ooh! I baked some muffins.
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Lynette: Please don't take this the wrong way, but...we love you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Mijita! Lunch is ready. Go get your sister. Gabrielle: Carlos, what's with all the cheese? Carlos: You know how Juanita feels about Brussels sprouts. I'm just trying to make vegetables more fun. Gabrielle: Well, next time, give her a carrot and put her on a roller coaster. Have you tried to lift her lately? Carlos: I know she's gotten chubby. She'll grow out of it. Gabrielle: Ha! We can only hope, with your D.N.A. running through her veins. Carlos: Hey, I do not have fat D.N.A. Gabrielle: Oh, don't make me pull out the Solis family photo Album. It's like a bunch of sea lions posing on a rock. Carlos: Well, I'm sorry my relatives don't measure up to the group of stick-thin drunks that you come from. Gabrielle: All I'm saying is that our daughter has a weight problem, and the sooner we admit it, the better. Carlos: She's only 4. But, you know, you want her to develop a weight problem? Go ahead. Nag, criticize, make her feel self-conscious. See what happens. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Lynette: And obviously I am not getting through to the twins, because no Matter what I say, they keep pulling this crap, and I am sick of it. Tom: Honey, could you... Lynette: Sorry. Tom: Yeah. So you-- you want me to talk to them? Lynette: You have to. I am tired of being the bad cop. You walk the beat for a while. Tom: Fine. You know, boys this age, they're more likely to listen to their dads anyway. I-I can handle this. Lynette: I really appreciate it. Tom: Honey, you know what I'd appreciate? Could you... Lynette: Sorry. [Inside Lynettes house] Twin: So Kirby has aces in the hole... yeah, which means that Bobby will have to wear a dress to school on Monday. Tom: Oh! Oh, my! Okay. You've got to get a picture of that! Lynette: Tom? Can I talk to you a sec? Tom: Yeah. Lynette: Don't you think you were kind of sending the wrong message in there? Tom: I know we don't approve of what they did, but you--you gotta admit. Come on. Starting their own casino is kind of creative. Lynette: Yeah? "Creative" like selling fake I.D.S was creative. And hot-wiring McCluskey's car-- that was a work of art. Tom: Honey, honey, this is nothing like that. I mean, look, the whole school is talking about their card game. Do you realize it was, like, the place to be on a Monday night? Lynette: Oh, my god. Tom: What? Lynette: You think they're cool. Tom: Well... Yeah. Lynette: No, I mean you think they're cool in that you wanna be them.
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Tom: Oh, please. Lynette: You do! This is Tom, former high school nerd, living viciously through his awesome-ass kids. Tom: Hey, I was plenty cool in high school. Lynette: Are we redefining "cool" to include playing trombone in the marching band? Tom: You're overreacting. You're a little high-spirited, but I trust them. So I've decided to unground them for the homecoming dance. Lynette: But I told them they couldn't go. Tom: And you told me to handle it, and I just did. Oh, by the way, it wasn't a trombone. It was a tuba. Know your brass. -----------------------------------------------------------[Princess Party] Gabrielle: Juanita! Juanita: You said I could have cake. Gabrielle: I know, but so much? You could've gone back for a second piece. Juanita: This is my second piece. Mother #1: And it's not Juanita's fault. In this kind of situation, I blame the parents. Mother #2: Look, my kid would eat sugar all day long if I let her. Mother #1: Gaby's obviously one of those moms who just can't say no. Mother #2: It's a shame, too. Juanita has such a pretty face. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: I'm back. You want something cold? Jackson: Well, actually, I'm in the mood for something hot. Susan: You know...This is why it's taking four months to get my house painted. Jackson: Haven't you ever heard that expression, "You can have it done fast, or you can have it done right"? Susan: I think I'll have it done right now. Lynette: Hey, Susan? Susan: Mm. Uh, Lynette, it's not really a good time. Lynette: I just need five seconds to bitch about Tom, and then I'll-- oh, my god. Your painter isn't done yet? Susan: Yeah. He--he's hard to keep track of. Lynette: Well, anyway, Tom refuses to acknowledge that the twins are turning into juvenile delinquents. Just the other day, I was Susan: Oh, you poor thing! You need a hug. Lynette: Have you been drinking? [Later] Lynette: Sorry to have barged in, and thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Susan: Hey, anytime that you need to talk, you just ring my bell...and wait. [Later] Susan: Okay, new rule. From now on, sex only happens in the bedroom, door closed, between the hours of 7:00 and 10:00 P.M. Jackson: You know what? It'd be a hell of a lot easier for me to follow the rules if I knew why they existed. Susan: I just don't want my friends to know. Jackson: Why? You--you ashamed of me? Susan: No, of course not. It's just... complicated. Jackson: I'm just a simple guy, so I can't be your dirty little secret. I need more from you.
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Susan: I'm sorry. I can't give that to you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Birthday Party] Gabrielle: Honey, I know you wanna go home and watch your cartoons, but you had a lot of cake, so I was thinking I'd take you to the park. That way, you could run around and get some nice, fun exercise. Juanita: No. Gabrielle: You sure? Running around in the sun and fresh air would make you feel good. Juanita: Mm...no. Gabrielle: Okay. Why don't you go throw that in the trash? And I'm gonna get the car started. Gabrielle: Hey, Juanita. You wanna play a new game on the way home? Winner gets a new doll. Juanita: Okay. Gabrielle: Well, come on, then! Juanita: Mommy, what are you doing? Gabrielle: It's a new game I invented, and you're winning 1 to nothing! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] Bree: Katherine! Fantastic news. "What's cookin' Fairview?" is sending out a camera crew tomorrow to do a piece on me and the book. Katherine: Oh, which I just finished this morning. Bree: You read it ready? Katherine: Yes. I couldn't put it down. But I have to tell you, at least a dozen recipes are missing a pretty crucial ingredient. Bree: Really? What? Katherine: My name. Bree: Excuse me? Katherine: Bree, your book is filled with recipes that we developed together, and--and some of them are flat-out mine. Bree: Oh, don't be silly. I may have based a few on your recipes, but I always changed something. Katherine: Like what? The font? Name one difference between this meatloaf recipe and mine. Bree: Well, yours calls for minced curly leaf parsley. Mine calls for minced flat leaf. Katherine: It's minced! Who can tell the difference? Bree, you have recipes in here you can't even make. Bree: Never heard anything so absurd. Katherine: The croquembouche cake with the spun sugar netting? I've never once seen you work with molten sugar. I always make that cake. Bree: Really, Katherine. Just because I let you execute a few eye-catching garnishes that gratify your need to show off, doesn't mean that I can't do them just as well myself. Katherine: You let me? I thought we were partners. Bree: We are. That's why your name is on the dedication page. Katherine: You were right about the dedication, Bree. It really was the least you could do. -----------------------------------------------------------[Road] Gabrielle: 18 to zero! 2 more points, and you'll break the record. Juanita: Mommy, I'm tired! Gabrielle: Really? Well, I thought running through that guy's sprinkler would've refreshed you. Now come on! Juanita: No. Gabrielle: Looks like mommy's gonna score her first 2 points. Come on, Juanita. Show mommy what a winner
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you are. Juanita! What are you doing?! Juanita, stop! Juanita! Juanita! -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: And while I thought grounding you was an appropriate punishment, your dad convinced me. I was being a little too hard on you guys. Tom: Absolutely. Lynette: And so we have decided to let you go to the homecoming dance tonight... Tom: That's right! Lynette:in your father's convertible. Tom: Um, um, h-h-hold on. What? Wh-Lynette: Come on, Tom. I mean, we trust them, right? Tom: Yes, yes. I-I would trust them more if they were driving your car. Lynette: No! You don't want two cool kids pulling up to homecoming in a mom car, especially with that big dent they put in it last month. Twin: Dude! Thanks! Thanks! Lynette: Don't thank me. Thank your father. Twin: Thanks, dad! You rock! Tom: Uh, you--whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Here--some ground rules. N-no muddy shoes on my floor mats. No-Lynette: Tom, relax! You high-spirited kids do whatever it takes to have fun. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Director: And in three, two, one. Host: Welcome back to "What's cookin' Fairview?" We're talking with Bree Van De Kamp, Fairview's premier caterer, who's about to publish her very first cookbook. Bree, could you show us inside? [Inside Brees house - kitchen] Bree: This is my kitchen, and this is my staff--The most gifted, hardworking team a cook could ever have hoped for. I cannot say enough good things about them. Host: So which one of you has worked with Bree the longest? Katherine: That would be me. Host: So tell me, what's it really like working with Bree? Katherine: It's inspiring. There is absolutely nothing she can't do. Bree: Katherine, I'm blushing. Katherine: Working with her has been...such an education that I--aah! Bree: Ah! Oh, god. Are you All right? Katherine: I think I strained my wrist. God, it hurts. Bree: Oh, you poor dear. Could someone please get some ice? Oh, no. Katherine: Oh, and I was just about to put the spun sugar netting on our famous croquembouche. Would you mind doing it? Bree: Katherine, I'm sure your wrist is just fine. Katherine: No, it's really throbbing. Host: Okay, it looks like Bree to the rescue. Katherine: Be sure you get this. Really something to see. Bree: The secret to spinning sugar is this special whisk that makes lovely gossamer threads. Katherine: Careful, dear. You're clumping. Bree: I can see that.
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Host: Aah! That stuff's hot! Bree: Sorry. Oops! -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: So that's your idea of exercise? Having her run after a car? Gabrielle: Carlos, our daughter sucked down half a sheet cake, and afterwards, no one could find the candles. Wake up! We have got a problem! Carlos: I just don't think the solution is to humiliate her. Now even if she's... heavy, Doesn't she have the right to feel good about herself? Gabrielle: Hey, I'm protecting her. She doesn't know the truth yet. Women only have five seconds to be young and beautiful, and then it's gone. And then before you know it, we're old and fat and married and wondering where our beauty went. Carlos: Gaby... Gabrielle: No, Carlos. I mean...Sometimes I'm glad you can't see me. Five years and two kids and no time for facials or the gym. It just... takes a toll. And when Edie same the other day, it was like she didn't even recognize me. Carlos: Listen to me. Nobody knows your face better than I do. And I see it every time I kiss you. In 5 years or 50, you will always be beautiful. Hear me? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] Bree: And now to finish, you simply transfer your spun sugar to the croquembouche and gracefully drape it around in a delicate swirl. Did I mention that you...probably shouldn't be wearing jewelry while working with spun sugar? Um...Well, there's no law that says it has to be a delicate veil. I mean, it could really just be a beautiful, um, little, uh, white...ribbon. Turn off the damn camera. Katherine: Ah, actually, my wrist is feeling a little better. Why don't I give it a shot? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house front door] Lynette: Whatcha doing? Tom: Okay, where are they? It's 30 minutes past curfew. Lynette: Actually, it's 32. Tom: If there is a single scratch on that car--I mean, after all the Time that I spent restoring that thing... Lynette: Yeah. Remember when you spent the entire day on the internet trying to find a new gearshift knob? Worst anniversary ever. Tom: I cannot believe that you did this to me. Lynette: I know. That car is your baby. If only there was something I felt that intensely about. Oh, wait! There is-- my actual babies. Tom: You think I don't care about our boys? Lynette: I know you love them, but sometimes you find them so cool and entertaining, you forget to parent them. Tom: Lynette Lynette: No, listen. This is important. When they were little and they'd act out, and we'd always say, "Relax! They're young. When they're older, they'll get it." Well, Tom, they're 16 now. Not getting it. We have a lot of work to do in a very short time, And if you and I aren't in sync, I'm afraid it's not gonna happen. Preston: Hey, sorry we're late. Porter: Yeah. But, dad, you have to hear this story. Preston: We just pulled up at an intersection, and there were these two hot girls
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Tom: I don't want to hear it. You ever hear of a thing called a cell phone? Porter: We're only, like, 35 minutes late. Tom: Yeah, 35 minutes, during which Time your mother and I have been worried, OK? Preston: But, dad-Tom: You broke the rules. There are consequences. You're both grounded for a month. Porter: This sucks! You're only doing this 'cause you were worried about your precious car. Tom: You think? Get out of the way. Any other opinions you'd like to share? Lynette: Thank you. But you didn't have to... Tom: That mirror was scratched. I already ordered a new one. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Pizza Restaurant] Edie: Mrs. McCluskey! You're still alive! Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, it's nice to see you, too, Edie. Edie: This is my husband, Dave Williams. Mrs. McCluskey: So how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or something? Dave: I'm sorry. Who are you? Mrs. McCluskey: Karen McCluskey, Edie's best friend on the street. Dave: Well, it's a real pleasure to meet you. Susan: What are you doing here? Jackson: Um, I just need to talk to you. Susan: Not here. Go home. I'll call you. Jackson: When? Susan: I don't know. Later. Just go. Edie: I have to say, ladies, this is quite a shindig. Bree: Oh, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Edie: Yeah, I mean, there's really not a lot of people who go to this much trouble to say they're sorry. Lynette: Excuse me? Edie: Well, the party. It's just a beautiful way to apologize. Gabrielle: Edie, this is not a "we're sorry" party. This is a "we forgive you" party. Edie: You forgive me? Bree: Well, I think what Gaby means is you were fairly awful to us right before you left, and this is our way of welcoming you back to hopefully not do it again. Edie: You gotta be kidding. You froze me out. You threatened to ruin my business, and you ran me out of town. Now it's taken me five years to stop hating you. Dave: Great party, ladies. Thank you very much. Now... Mind if I steal my wife? Sweetheart? Mrs. McCluskey: Isn't that your painter? Susan: Is it? I can't tell. Ooh! Excuse me. Bob: It's okay. Woman guest: Didn't they pay the bill? Tom: All right. Calm down. I'll take care of it. Susan: You, come with me. Why would you humiliate me in front of my friends? Are you a lunatic? Jackson: I-I'm just trying to get through to you. And, yeah, it's making me kinda crazy. Susan... Why can't I
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meet your friends? I mean, am I really that horrible? Susan: No, of course not. My friends would love you. Jackson: Then what is the problem? Susan: The problem is, if you meet my friends, then we're in a relationship, and I can't be in a relationship right now. Jackson: But I-I promise, I'll make you very happy. Susan: Well, Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. A few years ago...There was this car accident...A bad one. Edie: Take the high road? Did you hear what those smug bitches said to me? Dave: Edie, it's important these people like us. It's our home now. Edie: I never should've let you talk me into moving back here. Why? Why were you so gung ho on Wisteria Lane? Dave: Listen to your husband. We can be happy here, but we need these people to like us. Edie: Why? Dave: It'll just make everything easier. Jackson: That was an accident. Susan, you can't feel guilty about it. Susan: You know what, Jackson? You're not gonna say anything I haven't already heard a million times. I-I only told you because I...I just want you to understand why I can't let you in my life. Jackson: Well...Do you mind if I hang out for the next few months and see if you change your mind? Susan: Yeah, I guess I could handle that. Jackson: Well, why don't you...go have fun with your friends? And just call me when you're free. Susan: Okay. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] (Flashback) Bree: Please, Danielle. You have no right to take him. Danielle: I have every right. He's my kid. Bree: Danielle, we agreed I would raise him. We agreed it would be best! Danielle: You said it would be best! I've had no say in anything! But I am married now, and Leo's a lawyer. So do yourself a favor and don't try to fight this! Bree: Please, Danielle, we can have any arrangement you like. Please, just don't take him! For god sakes, Orson's gone. You kids are grown. Benjamin's all I have! Danielle: You're just gonna have find something else. (Present) Orson: Honey, come to bed. It's after 2:00. Bree: The cooking show agreed to redo my segment. I wanna make sure it's perfect this Time. Orson: Well, I won't tell you how to run your business. It's your baby. Bree: Yes, it is. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - kitchen] Mike: Hey. Um, M.J. Ready? Susan: Yeah, he's upstairs waiting for you. (Flashback) Susan: I told you the brakes were squeaking. I asked you to get them checked. Mike: And I checked 'em!
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Susan: I meant a mechanic...Not you. Mike: It was not the brakes, Susan. If it had been, it wouldn't have mattered. They crashed into us! Susan: And we killed them, Mike! Mike: We didn't kill them! They died. Susan: They were a mother and a child. She was a mother, just like me...with a child just like ours. And if it weren't for us, they would still be alive. Mike: Yeah, we have been over and over this, Susan. It's--it's like you want to suffer. Susan: It's like you don't care at all, like you feel nothing for those people. Mike: I can't do this again! I just can't! (Present) Susan: Hey. Did you pack your dinosaur book so you can read it with your daddy? M.J.(Maynard):Sure did. Susan: Oh, good. Mmm. Okay, you have fun, sweetie. Mike: So, um, I'll probably bring him back Sunday around 6:00 or so. Susan: Fine. Mike: Well, have a good weekend. Doing anything special? Susan: Well, I've sort of start seeing someone. So I might do something with him. Mike: Good for you. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It goes by so quickly. In a flash, the life we knew is gone forever. And we're left to ask ourselves...How could he have left me?...When did my beauty start to fade?...Why has my friend changed?...Was I the best mother I could have been? [Edies house] Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course, there are some people who understand how quickly time passes. That's why they're so determined to get what they want before it's too late. Dave: Oh, Dr. Heller. I've been meaning to call you. Dr. Heller: Yeah, I was getting concerned. You're required to check in once a month. It was a condition of your release. Dave: Oh, come on. That was a year ago. But to be honest, the meds are working so well, I kinda forgot about you. No offense. Dr. Heller: Dave, once a month. Not optional. Dave: Message received, doc. But seriously, you don't need to worry about me. I'm great. I'll talk to you in a month. Dave: (on video) Just tell me. What are the magic words that I've gotta say so you will let me out of here? Dr. Heller Voiceover: (on video) Dave, you've been here six weeks, and you don't seem any closer to coming to terms with your rage. Dave: (on video) I've come to terms with it, and I like it just the way it is. Dr. Heller Voiceover: (on video) The charges were dropped because you agreed to put yourself in a doctor's care. I'm not going to authorize your release until I see some real progress. Dave Voiceover: (on video) Wh-what's progress supposed to look like to you, doc? I mean, should I just plaster some fake smile on my face and pretend this--this thing that's inside me isn't eatin' me alive? 'cause I can do that if you want. Dr. Heller Voiceover: (on video) I need to make sure you're not a danger to yourself or to others. Dave Voiceover: (on video) Listen, I've never been a danger to myself. And as far as the others are concerned, there's only one person who should be worried.
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~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X02 Were so happy youre so happy -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Lives change in five years. Some families grow, while others grow apart. Mike: So I thought I'd bring him back Sunday around 6:00 or so. Susan: Fine. Mary Alice Voiceover: And we find ways... Susan: It's not really a good time. Mary Alice Voiceover:to ease the pain. Yes, in five years... Susan: Edie, is that really you? Edie: I have a husband now. Mary Alice Voiceover:many things change. Dr. Heller: You're required to check in once a month. It was a condition of your release. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: All in all, Susan Mayer's boyfriend knew he had a lot going or him. He was romantic...Had a nice smile...and was consistently thoughtful. Yes, Jackson Braddock had many wonderful attributes. Sadly...a sense of timing wasn't one of them. [Outside Susans house] Mike: Hello. Jackson: Hi. Can I help you? Mike: I guess you could tell Susan I'm here. Jackson: Okay. Uh... Who are you? Mike: Oh, I'm Mike... The ex-husband. I, uh, I take it you're... Jackson: Jackson. I'm, uh...Susan's, uh... Mike: Friend? Jackson: Friend. That's right. Wow. Could this be any more awkward? Mike: Well, your robe's open... So yeah. Jackson: Well, you be the judge. Mike: I don't know, man. It--it's pretty good. Jackson: Well, I got the feeling that... [Inside] Jackson: Hey, your ex-husband is... [Outside] Susan: Mike! Uh, what's going on? Mike: I was just returning M.J.'s video game. He left it at my house. Susan: Oh. Thanks. So I guess you met Jackson. Mike: Yeah. Nice legs. Susan: Oh, clearly this is not how I would've wanted the two of you to meet. He's--he's really a nice guy. Mike: Yeah, well, just to make sure, I'm gonna need to hang with him a little bit, check him out. Susan: Oh, I don't know that that's necessary.
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Mike: If he's sleeping in the same house as my son, I think it is. Susan: Oh, well, first off, um, M.J. Was at a sleep over last night. And, in fact, Jackson and he haven't even met, so, uh, there's really no need for you to be hanging...or checking. Mike: Oh, just... tell Jackson I'll pick him up here Tomorrow night. Susan: Hey, hold on. You don't get to just decide these things by yourself. Mike: You remember how nice I was about our custody agreement? I can haul you back to court tomorrow if I'm not 100% satisfied with who you expose my son to. Got it? [Inside] Jackson: Uh, I'm sorry. It's so not how I wanted to meet your ex for the first Time. Susan: Well, when you meet him for the second time, you can tell him that. He's picking you up here tomorrow night. Jackson: What? Susan: I'll explain over breakfast. Did you get the paper? Mary Alice Voiceover: And that is when Jackson Braddock realized he needed better timing... M.J.: Who are you? Mary Alice Voiceover:and a longer robe. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: If there is one thing everyone in suburbia can appreciate... [Outside Lynettes house] Susan: Oh, hey! Mary Alice Voiceover: It's a good neighbor. You know, the kind that helps with the last bag of groceries...or brings over misplaced mail...or offers to mow your lawn. Yes, everyone appreciates a good neighbor. [Katherines house front door] Katherine: You are so sweet to do this. Dave: I just know how tricky these bulbs can be. Mary Alice Voiceover: And no one knew this better than Dave Williams, who was determined to be the best neighbor Steria Lane had ever seen...Assuming, of course, his wife didn't get in the way. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: What's going on? Edie: Packing our bags. Karen McCluskey insulted me again, and I can't put up with it anymore. Dave: All right, what did she say to you this Time? Edie: Nothing. It doesn't Matter. We are moving. Dave: Adults don't pack up and move because of some good-natured teasing. Edie: She said that my breasts were a triumph of German engineering. You call that good-natured? Dave: Come on. She's a cranky old lady. Edie: It's not just her. It's all of them. I mean, it's been five years. I have changed. But the people on this street don't care. To them, I will always be a joke. Dave: I'm sorry you had a bad day. Edie: Please don't use your motivational voice. I really hate that. Dave: You're upset and you're tired. Why don't you take a nice hot shower, and I'll make us some lunch? Does that sound good? Edie: I just never understood it. We--we could've gone and lived in any city in this country. Why did you insist on living here?
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Dave: 'cause we can be happy here. You just need to give it some time. And I promise, I'll personally see to it that people start treating you with a little more respect. Edie: You didn't answer my question. Dave: Didn't I? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Carlos, we got invited to Michelle Downing's party! I'm gonna have to buy something nice to--aah! Carlos: Gaby, I'm giving a massage. Gabrielle: I can see that. I can see a lot of things--things that can never be unseen. Old customer (flake): Uh, sorry. I guess the towel must've rode up. Gabrielle: Carlos? Kitchen. Now. Carlos: I know you don't like it when I work down here, but he couldn't get up the stairs. Gabrielle: He's got a bum hip. He's also missing a testicle. Carlos, how much more of this am I supposed to take? Carlos: Okay, Okay, Maybe I could set up my table in the garage. Gabrielle: No! That's only part of the problem. Have you checked our bank balance lately? Carlos: Gaby, I am not taking the country club job. Gabrielle: Why not? You'd be massaging rich people. They tip better and they tend to flake less. Carlos: Yeah, but I like working here. I get to spend lots of time with you and the kids. Gabrielle: Carlos, I don't need to spend lots of time with you. And frankly, the kids are on the fence. Carlos: Gaby! Gabrielle: Bottom line, I miss our life. I miss shopping. All I have to look forward to is the occasional invitation to a fancy party. And I can't even afford a dress to go to it. Carlos, please, I am begging you. Carlos: Fine. I'll-- I will take the job. Gabrielle: Thank you. Old customer (flake): Sorry. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - bedroom] Susan: Ah, no. Jackson: Unh-unh. Come on. I really don't think Mike's gonna care what shirt I wear. Susan: Well, I do. We need a shirt that says, "I'm a responsible citizen," not "My favorite clothing store also sells bongs." Jackson: Are you dissing my sense of style? Susan: Absolutely. Put this on. Now...Let's talk about acceptable topics of conversation. You like sports, right? Jackson: Yeah. I'm a huge soccer fan. Susan: No, you're not. You like football-- American football. Specifically the colts. Jackson: Okay. Susan: And here are some other things you can talk about--Cars, barbecue, fishing. Jackson: How about fire? Mike like talk fire? Susan: Jackson, please take this seriously. Jackson: I am. I'm just--I'm not gonna pretend to be somebody I'm not. If he doesn't like me, what's he gonna do? Susan: He could take me to court, and the judge can make me choose between you and my son. And I'm sorry. You will lose. Jackson: Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback who ever lived. Susan: Thank you. Now go shave. You look like a hobo.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house Porters room] Lynette: Got a sec? Porter: Not really. Lynette: So I assume you know about what happened to Jimmy Conrado. Porter: I guess. Lynette: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school, and all you have to say is, "I guess"? Porter: He's not my friend. What are you talking about? Lynette: You were on the same little league team. Porter: Yeah, like a million years ago. Anything else? Lynette: No. Not really. [Parkers room] Lynette: Hey, Parker. Can I ask you something, just between us? Does Porter hang out with Jimmy Conrado? Parker: I don't know. I could check out his friends list on silverfizz. Lynette: His what on what? Parker: It's like myspace. You have a web page. It shows your hobbies, your favorite music, and you can talk to people. Lynette: Really? Can anyone talk to him? Parker: Yeah. He just has to invite you. Lynette: And, uh...how would somebody make that happen? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Now it's just a mock-up, but this is what the book is going to look like. Andrew: Mom, that's fantastic. Good call on the font. Bree: Thank you, dear. Orson, what do you think? Orson: Well, I think it's strange to see my wife billed as "Mrs. Van de Kamp." Bree: Well, you knew what the book was gonna be called. Orson: Yes, but it's different actually seeing it. I mean, is it too late to go with "Mrs. Hodge"? Bree: My company, which I formed when we were separated, is called Mrs. Van de Kamp's catering. It's how I'm known. Orson: Oh, in Fairview. But this book will be national. I mean, it's your chance to rebrand yourself. Is there something wrong with "Hodge"? Andrew: I think I just heard the milk go bad. I should check. Bree: Orson, I adore you, but your name... our name-- it has no music. "Van de Kamp" trips off the tongue. "Hodge" sounds like the noise a plunger makes. Orson: That's preposterous. Bree: Listen...Van de Kamp...Hodge. Andrew: Also, she's got a radio interview Wednesday, and they're already promoting her as Mrs. Van de Kamp. Bree: See? The ship has already sailed. Oh, don't be hurt. It's my professional name. In this house, I will always be Mrs. Hodge. Now... would it help if Mrs. Hodge cooked you your favorite pot roast tonight? Orson: Yes, I guess it would help. Andrew: Uh, meeting with your publicist? Bree: Oh, right. Um, tomorrow for sure, then. Orson: Van de Kamp. Hmm.Hodge. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Mrs. McCluskeys house] Mrs. McCluskey: Here you go. Dave: Oh, thank you. Mrs. McCluskey: Toby, get off my chair. You know better. So what's on your mind? Dave: It's Edie. You said something to her yesterday that hurt her feelings. Mrs. McCluskey: That thing about her breasts? Come on. That was a joke. Dave: Perhaps, but it upset her so much that she suggested we leave Wisteria Lane. I can't have that, Mrs. M. Mrs. McCluskey: Hey, this is what Edie and I do. We tease each other. I say she's easier to get into than community college. She says my face looks like a knee. It's fun. Dave: Still... I would consider it a personal favor if you'd apologize to her. You know, make her feel accepted and loved. Mrs. McCluskey: No. Dave: No? Mrs. McCluskey: If Edie wants to change the way we talk to each other, she's gotta ask me personally. And I think you've got a lot of gall making me feel like I did something wrong when you don't even know me. Dave: Oh... I know you, better than you think. Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, really? Dave: For starters, you talk to your cat like it's a person. When I knocked on your door, you immediately invited me in. Doesn't take a genius to see that you're lonely. I'm thinking you had people in your life at one time...people who cared about you. But something happened to them. Some probably died. The rest, well...They just don't come around much anymore. Why do you think that is? I know you, Mrs. McCluskey. And it seems to me that a woman like you would like to keep the few friends that she has left. Mrs. McCluskey: I think you'd better go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house] Jackson: Thanks for tonight. And, uh, before I forget, the Colts suck. Mike: Oh, here's what sucks-- watching a zero-zero game with no cheerleaders, soccer boy. Jackson: Yah. Susan: You guys were insulting each other. That's good, right? Jackson: Yeah, we had a blast. Susan: Really? Jackson: Yeah. In fact, we're getting together Wednesday night at O'brien's, which he claims has the best bacon potato skins in town. Susan: Potato skins at O'brien's? You've made his inner circle! This is fantastic! Thank you. Mmm. Mmm. Jackson: Ah, you can think of a more creative way to thank me than that. [Bedroom] Susan: Nice. Jackson: Yeah? Susan: Yeah. Mmm. You've never done that before. Wait. You've never done that before. Why are you doing that now? Jackson: I don't know. Don't you like it? Susan: Yeah. But how did you know I would like it? Oh, my god. Jackson: What? Susan: Mike told you about the ear thing, didn't he? Jackson: No.
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Susan: So you just happened to stumble across my secret turn-on the same night that you and Mike became B.F.F.S? Jackson: But aren't we losing sight of the fact that you like it? Susan: This is... I mean, I'm just...I have been violated. Jackson: Oh, honey, come on-Susan: Don't touch me! Or my ears! My ears are dead to you. Jackson: It just slipped out. We were talking about how girls--they--they all like different things, right? And I-I was talking about this girl in high school, how she liked to do it with her shoes on, and--and Mike talked about the lobe nibble. Susan: He has a name for it? Okay. That's it. You and Mike are not hanging out anymore. And this little Wednesday "potato skins and Susan sex tips night"? I forbid it. Did Mike mention he likes having his toes sucked? Oops! That just slipped out. Jackson: Hmm. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house porch] Bree: Gaby... Gabrielle: Bree! What's up? Bree: Well, um, Michelle Downing asked me to speak to you. I don't know if you heard, but I'm catering her birthday party Gabrielle: I heard. I can't wait. Ooh, I was gonna ask you should I wear the navy blue Chanel or the red sleeveless dress? Bree: You can't come. Sorry. I just had to rip the band-aid off. Gabrielle: What? She's disinviting me? Bree: It's not personal. You know how Carlos just started at the club? Well, her guests are all members, and she thinks they might find it awkward socializing with...staff. Gabrielle: She called us "staff"? Bree: Oh, Gaby, it's just one party. I'll save you some cake. Gabrielle: No! It's not just one party! It's the kickoff to the whole social season. If people see we're off Michelle's list, then we'll be off everyone's. And then it's gonna be the start of our slow slide from gowns and galas to flip-flops and keggers! Okay, if Carlos working at the club is the problem, then tell her he just quit. Bree: Oh, hon, I don't think that's gonna fly. He's already rubbed too many members. Gabrielle: What's happened to my life? We used to have help. Now we are the help! -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: What are you doing? Lynette: I am just...talking to Porter on silverfizz. Tom: Who is Saraj from Macarthur high school? Lynette: Me. I'm 16 and cute. I like graphic novels and Tokyo police club. Tom: Oh, my god. You--you're pretending to be somebody else? Lynette: Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs. I really think the end justifies the means here. Tom: Okay, we'll address your major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out? Lynette: Well, the good news is he really doesn't hang out with Jimmy Conrado. But I am a little worried about Anita47, who told him Cherry fruit pops are an aphrodisiac. Tom: Okay, great, you know who he hangs around with now. You got what you came for. Time to stop. Lynette: You're probably right. It's just...Did you know Porter writes poetry?
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Tom: Serious? Lynette: Yeah. Our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this...beautiful, heart-wrenching poetry. Tom: Maybe one day he'll share it with you instead of your fantasy Alter ego. Until then, shut it off. Lynette: Okay, Okay. You're right. You're right. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Porter: (on screen) I luvs me some Walt Whitman! SaraJ (Lynette): (on screen) Emlly Dickinson kicks Walt Whitman's ass!! Porter: (on screen)Yeah, if you're into spinster poetry. Lynette: Oh, really? SaraJ (Lynette): (on screen) Is your girlfriend into poetry, too? Porter: (on screen) Don't have one. There's a girl I lie. But we haven't gotten to that yet. Lynette: Aw. That's sweet. SaraJ (Lynette): (on screen) Girls love romance. Send her a poem. She won't know what hit her. Preston: Still talking to poetry girl? Porter: Bite me. Preston: Dude, she didn't put up her photo. 5 bucks says she looks like she came out of an egg. Porter: Whatever. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys lawn] Mrs. McCluskey: Toby? Toby! Where are you? Toby! Dave: Everything all right, Mrs. M.? Mrs. McCluskey: It's Toby. I can't find him. Dave: Oh, no. How did he get out? Mrs. McCluskey: The living room window was open, which is bizarre because I don't remember opening it. Can you help me find him? Dave: Have you given any more thought about apologizing to Edie? She's still pretty down in the dumps. Mrs. McCluskey: I've kind of been busy. Dave: Of course you have. It's just that...Well, since I'm about to help you find your cat, it sure would be nice if you could help me out with Edie. Doesn't that seem fair to you? Mrs. McCluskey: I guess. Dave: Here. Thank you. Okay. Toby! Toby! Come here, boy! Toby! -----------------------------------------------------------[Radio station] Linda: So they'll finish with the news, do a quick traffic update, and then we're on the air. Uh, do you need anything? Bree: No, I'm good. How do I look? Linda: We're on the radio. Bree: Oh. I'm a little bit nervous. This is my first national interview. And I am a huge fan of your cookbooks. Linda: Well, I've heard good things about you. I understand you're catering Michelle Downing's birthday dinner tonight. Bree: Oh, you know Michelle? Linda: Yes, and I'll be there. I can't wait to see what you dish up. Bree: Okay, now I'm terrified. Linda: Here we go. Good afternoon. I'm Linda Flanagan, and this is "Gourmet Americana." If you've been to
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Fairview's best parties, then you've probably tasted the mouthwatering food dished up by my first guest, Bree Van De Kamp. Now she's about to publish her first book, "Mrs. Van de Kamp's old-fashioned cooking." Welcome, Bree. Bree: Hi, Linda. Linda: Tell me. Why "old-fashioned"? Bree: Well, I think a lot of people miss the way life used to be--Back when women had more time to cook. It's always been important to me to have the family gather around the table every night for hot, lovingly prepared meals. Linda: So you're a traditional kinda gal. Is there a Mr. Van de Kamp? Bree: No. Uh, Mr. Van de Kamp is deceased. Linda: Oh. Bree: But in regards to my husband, I should make one thing very clear--His passing had nothing to do with my cooking. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Is that my Yeats book? I love his poetry. Porter: Yeah. I'm borrowing it for school. Lynette: Aah, this is the kind of poetry that melts a girl's heart. So romantic. Oh! Here's a great one--"The lover tells of the rose in his heart." My first boyfriend gave me this poem. I was a junior in Porter: Mom, I'm--I'm running late. Can I have the book back? Lynette: Oh. Sorry. Enjoy! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] Bree: (on phone) Katherine, it is not too late to change tonight's menu. If Linda Flanagan likes my food, she might give me a quote for the book jacket. I have to knock her socks off, and I am not betting the farm on haddock. Argue with me all you like. I just bought 40 pounds of pork, so get your Tushie over here. Bree: Orson! Did you get my message about Linda Flanagan? Orson: Yes, I heard. Bree: Isn't it amazing? Orson: Mm. Almost as amazing as my on-air death notice. Bree: What? Orson: "So, Bree, do you have a husband?" "Nope. Used to. He croaked." Bree: She didn't ask if I had a husband. She asked if there was a Mr. Van de Kamp, and there's clearly not. Orson: Well, there's a Mr. Hodge. Would it have killed you to have mentioned me? Bree: And waste valuable airtime? The show was about my cookbook, not about my tortured marital history. Orson: That's not what this is about. It's because I went to jail, isn't it? Bree: Orson, I have 6 hours to prepare a meal for 80 people. We're not having this discussion now. Orson: Just admit it. You're ashamed of me. Bree: Should I be proud? Do you want me to go on the radio and boast that my husband served time for running someone over? Orson: I went to jail because you told me it was the only way you'd take me back. Bree: And because it was the right thing to do. I just didn't know then that I would be a public figure someday. But I am. I have a name now. Orson: And luckily for you, it's not mine. Bree: Orson, please don't be hurt. I am under so much pressure and so terrified I'll fail that I don't even know what I'm saying half the Time. Just let me get through this. As soon as the plates go out tonight, I will come
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home and cook you that pot roast I promised. Okay? Orson: Okay. Bree: Hmm. Orson: It's just that... I-Bree: Chives! How could I forget chives? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Jackson: (on phone machine) Hey, Susan, it's me. Listen, I'm not gonna be able to make dinner tonight. My college roommate's in town, and this is the only night we can get together. Susan: Oh. Is his name Mike Delfino? Did you room together at liars' college? Jackson: (on phone machine) Um, I know it's last-minute, and I'm really sorry, but I still wanna see you. So how about I drop by later? Call me if that's a problem. Susan: Yeah, you'll drop by later...With potato skins on your breath, you miserable two-timer! M.J.:What's wrong, mom? Susan: Nothing. Just, the answering machine lied to mommy. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Porter: (on screen) I finally found a poem as beautiful as you. You're all I think about. Porter: (on screen) "The Lover Tells Of The Rose in His Heart" by William Butler Yeats. Lynette: Oh, crap on things. Tom: Crap on what things? Lynette: Porter sent me a sex poem. Tom: What? Why? Lynette: He may be in love with me. Tom: Why would he be in love with you? Lynette: Okay... Remember how you told me I should stop talking to him online? Well, of course, I didn't, and I sort of told him I liked his poetry. Tom: You told a teenage boy that you liked his poetry? Jeez, Lynette! Why not just flash him a boob? Lynette: Shh! He'll hear you. Tom: So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna tell him the truth now, or are you gonna wait until after he kills me and blinds himself? Lynette: Calm down. I'm gonna break it off in an e-mail. Tom: Oh, great. Just like that? That'll kill him. Lynette: I know that you have only been the receiving end of break-up letters, but I've actually written a few, and I know how to let him down easy. Tom: "Dear Porter, I really like you, but I wanna see other offspring." Lynette: Go away. -----------------------------------------------------------[Michelles birthday party outside] Carlos: You know, I'm kinda surprised we still made Michelle's list this year, what with me working at the club. Gabrielle: Oh, don't be silly, Carlos. We're still on everyone's list. Now let's go. Okay. [Kitchen] Carlos: Gaby, are we in the banquet hall? What's all the noise? Gabrielle: Oh, it's just the caterers putting glasses and silverware on the tables. They make some racket, huh? But the decorations are stunning. Especially that waterfall effect.
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Bree: Gaby? Gabrielle: Bree! Shouldn't you be in the kitchen? Don't move, honey. The press is taking your photo. Bree: What are you doing here? You were disinvited. Gabrielle: I got it all figured out. We duck inside, make sure we're seen by all the right people--except Mrs. Downing--and then after about 20 minutes, we cut out. Bree: Well, I know nothing. Just keep me out of it. What is Carlos doing? -----------------------------------------------------------[Bar] Susan: Where is he? Mike: Where is who? Susan: Like you don't know-- Jackson. Mike: Well, he's not here. Susan: Really? Whose is this? Mike: I... d--I don't know. Some guy's. Susan: "I... I don't know"? Well, I hope that "some guy" doesn't mind this. Mike: No, Susan, really, I wouldn't... Some guy: Lady, what are you doing to my beer? Mike: We're not married anymore, so I don't have to protect you. Susan: I am... so sorry. Miss? Um... Could you just...please take good care of my friend? Mike: Jackson canceled on me. He said you weren't comfortable with us hanging out. Susan: He said that? Mike: And I think I said, "meow." Susan: I am such a jackass. Mike: So why don't you want us hanging out? Susan: Well, I was pretty ticked off that you told Jackson about the ear thing. Mike: Oh, god. The second I said that, I wished I hadn't. I-I'm really sorry. Susan: Apology accepted. Mike: So if I promise to behave, can we still hang out? 'cause I really think it'd be good for M.J., just seeing that we're all friends. Susan: I don't... Mike: What? Susan: I'm just not comfortable with you and Jackson getting that close. Mike: Okay. Susan: It's just...I don't want him to see me through your eyes. Mike: How exactly do you think I see you? Susan: Well, those last few months we were together, I...The things I said to you, the way I acted...I mean, I'm not proud of the person I became. Mike: That was a bad time, Susan. We're not those people anymore. And if you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd know you got nothing to worry about. Susan: Could you please take care of this guy? He's my friend, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Jackson: Boy, am I glad to see you. Where you been? Susan: Out, uh, doing some thinking. And I've decided that I may have gone a little overboard about you and Mike. In fact, I think it's cool if you wanna hang out with my ex. Karl: Hey, Susie Q.! Just shakin' the dew off the Lily. And speaking of, that paint job in the guest can is nice.
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Kudos. Susan: What are you doing here? Karl: Well, Julie needed me to cosign some insurance stuff for her, and I guess I lost track of time talking to crunchy granola here. Plumber to housepainter in one move, Susie? Don't get dizzy climbin' that social ladder. Susan: Can you leave, please? Karl: Just think...If I'd been a roofer, we might still be together. Sigh. Susan: Get out. Karl: See ya around, hacky sack. Jackson: So... any more exes I should know about? -----------------------------------------------------------[Michelles birthday party] Socialite: Don't you just love Michelle's parties? Gabrielle: Oh, they are fun. Mm-hmm. But I enjoy my intimate lunches with Michelle even more. We have intimate lunches. We're friends. Socialite: Well, you simply must come to the charity auction at Ted's gallery next weekend. Gabrielle: Really? We'd love to. Bree: Gaby! Gabrielle: Well, it's the caterer! Everything is fabulous. But would you be a dear and get me some more wine? Bree: I would be happy to. I just want to make sure it's the kind you like. [Room] Bree: You're still here? Dinner is about to be served. Whose seats are you in? Gabrielle: The Bowmans. I found out Mrs. Bowman is home with the flu. Score! Oh, will you unclench? It'll be fine. Mr. Bowman: No, no, no, no, no. These are my seats. This is my mother. Gabrielle: That was Mr. Bowman, wasn't it? Bree: Yes, and I'm pretty sure that elderly woman with him was his mother! Gabrielle: What kind of man leaves his sick wife at home to go party with mommy?! Bree: You can fix this. Just tell them that you're at the wrong table and then slip out the side door. Gabrielle: Right. Carlos: Yes, sir, he has absolutely no Gabrielle: That was the Matre D', wasn't it? Bree: Yes, and he appears to be checking the guest list. Gabrielle: Which we're not on. Bree: Okay, you can fix this. Just explain you're going to a different party here at the club and that you got confused. Mrs. Downing never has to know. Gabrielle: Right. Mrs. Downing: You need to leave! Out. Gabrielle: That's Mrs. Downing. How am I gonna fix this? Bree: At this point, I would just run off screaming into the night. Gabrielle: Thank you. Mm-hmm. Carlos: Get your hands off me. Gaby! Gaby! Gabrielle: Poor blind bastard. I'll meet him outside. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: What?
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Mrs. McCluskey: Hi, Edie. I just wanted to say I feel awful about what I said to you. You know, that crack I made the other day? Edie: Okay. That's nice of you. Are you all right? Mrs. McCluskey: Actually, no. My cat's missing. Edie: Toby? Mm-hmm. Since when? Mrs. McCluskey: It's been two days, and he's never been out this long. Edie: Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sure he's fine. Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah. Well...Could you tell Dave...tell him I apologized? And, uh, you and I are good, huh? Edie: I guess I could. Why do you want him-Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, just tell him, please. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Michelles birthday party - car] Carlos: I cannot believe you pulled a stunt like that. Gabrielle: What? I was just trying to salvage what's left of our social life. Now just let it go and start thinking about where we're gonna move. Carlos: This is not a joke, Gaby. I work with these people. I have to show my face tomorrow. It's humiliating. Gabrielle: You wanna know what's humiliating? Waking up one day and finding out you're invisible. Now it's official. I've lost everything. Carlos: Everything? Gabrielle: First our money, then my figure, now the last shreds of our social Standing. Carlos: We haven't lost a thing except the chance to hobnob with a bunch of unhappy snobs. Gabrielle: What do you mean, they're unhappy? They're rich! They have jewels and cooks. They use "winter" as a verb. Carlos: I rub them, Gaby, and there is nothing that a blind masseur doesn't hear about. Trust me. They are every bit as miserable as I was when I was out there chasing that stuff. We have lost nothing that matters. We have a home, we have each other, we have work that supports us, and we have two beautiful little girls that...love us more than ice cream. I've never been happier in my life. Gabrielle: Are you serious? Carlos: Yes, and the only thing that would make me happier is for you to realize how good we've got it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: "I have never talked to such a wonderful guy, but I should've told you I'm Already seeing somebody..."Blah, blah, blah..."continue to trust your heart, and your dreams will follow." Wow, Lynette. Best dear John letter ever. Lynette: Uh... Thanks. Tom: Except you might wanna change that part where you signed it "love, mom." Lynette: What? No, I didn't. Tom: Yeah, you did...Right there. You sent it?! Lynette: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Why didn't you say something?! Tom: I did! Lynette: You said it was great. Way to bury the lead, Tom! Tom, don't you dare! Tom: Hey, one of needs to live to take care of the other one. [Kitchen] Lynette: Hey. Mind if I join you? Okay, I know what I did...was unforgivable. And I am not trying to make excuses, but...we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you. And then I was Saraj, and I had you back, and we were talking again, and you were telling me thin.
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Porter: I wasn't telling you anything. I was telling her. Lynette: Okay. Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations, and I'm... going to miss them. Porter: Me, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Orson, you're still up. Oh, I wish you could've been there. Linda Flanagan loved my food. She said I was "god's gift to the table" and that I could quote her on the book jacket. Are you all right? Orson: I'm hungry. Bree: It's after midnight. Haven't you eaten? Orson: I was waiting for you. You said you'd make me pot roast. Bree: I am so sorry. I-I lost all track of time, and Linda had so many questions about the food. I'll make you that pot roast tomorrow, okay? Orson: No. I want it now. Bree: Now? Orson: You promised. Bree: Orson, I've been cooking all day. I... I'm so tired, I can barely stand up. You really want me to make you a pot roast now? Orson: You promised. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys house] Mrs. McCluskey: Toby! Where in the world did you come from, huh? Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, everyone appreciates a good neighbor...You know, the kind that helps you with the groceries...But doesn't ask, "why is your son so moody?" The type that delivers misplaced mail but doesn't point out your wife seems discontented...The sort that offers to mow your lawn...But doesn't mention your husband seems cold. But if you're not sure the man next door is as nice as he would have you believe... -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house - doorway] Katherine: Now why would you bring me flowers? Mrs. McCluskey: 'cause you've got a computer, and I need to find out some stuff about Edie's husband. Mary Alice Voiceover: do everything you can to get to know him better. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X03 Kids aint like everybody else -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Susans new boyfriend met the family. M.J.: Who are you? Jackson: Hi. Mike: Im Mike. Her ex-husband. Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabys life was no longer glamorous. Sign: (says) Service Entrance Only
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Gabrielle: Now it's official. I've lost everything. First our money, then my figure, now the last shreds of our social standing. Carlos: Baby, we have a home, and we have two beautiful little girls... Mary Alice Voiceover: Danielle's decision was devastating. Bree: Please, just don't take him! Benjamin's all I have! Danielle: You're just gonna have to find something else. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Edie's new husband showed the dark side. Dave: I would consider it a personal favor if you'd apologize to Edie. Mrs. McCluskey: No. Dave: And it seems to me that a woman like you would like to keep the few friends that she has left. Mrs. McCluskey: I think you'd better go. Katherine: Now why would you bring me flowers? Mrs. McCluskey: 'cause you've got a computer, and I need to find out some stuff about Edie's husband. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Benjamin Katz was 6 years old, and there were a lot of things he didn't understand. He wasn't sure why the woman you call "mommy" isn't always your mother. Or how the man who was always there for him could suddenly be taken away. Or why you could go for a ride...and never come back home. Yes, there were a lot of things Benjamin Katz couldn't understand, and no one seemed in a hurry to explain them. [Outside Brees house] Bree: Here they come, finally. Orson: You know, Bree, things will be a little strange at first, so please, be on your best behavior. Bree: I do not require lectures on tact. Orson: I know. It's just that we've missed Benjy so much, and it's taken so many olive branches to get them to come back. Bree: I'm aware of what's at stake, Orson. Orson: Good. So if you feel an impulse to criticize something, you'll keep the thought to yourself. Danielle: Hi! Bree: I've already started. Danielle! What a delightfully ethnic ensemble. Danielle: Hey, mom, Orson. Orson: Hi, Danielle. Danielle: Oh, I want to meet my husband Leo. Leo: It's nice to finally meet both of you in person. Bree: Lovely to meet you, Leo. Orson: Hey, who's this little linebacker? Hi, Benjy. Remember me? Benjamin: I'm not sure. Orson: That's okay. That's what this visit is for, right? Getting to know each other. Bree: Now we have you for the whole weekend, right? Leo: Yep, whole three days. Orson: Oh, good. 'cause we've made lots of plans. We're gonna take you to the circus if it's okay with your folks. Benjamin: Can I go, Danielle? Bree: "Danielle"? Did he just call you "Danielle"? Danielle: Well, it is my name. Bree: Yes, I'm aware of that. I picked it. I'm just concerned people might view it as a sign of, um, disrespect. Danielle: By "people," you mean you? Orson: Uh... Leo. Look at all the luggage you have here. I'll give you a hand here. Okay.
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Leo: Oh, thanks. Bree: Um... Let me be clear. I do no want him calling me "Bree." Danielle: Oh, don't worry. I told him to call you "granny." Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Benjamin Katz was only 6 years old, but even he could understand this was going to be...a long weekend. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Any child will tell you that where you find a playground, you will also find...bullies--Young tyrants who bring pain...intimidation...and violence. What can children do in the face of such torment? Well, there is one obvious option, but not every child is eager to go running home to mother. [Susans house] Susan: Ugh. Hey. Hon. How was the park? Wait. Hold on. Mommy just found her first gray hair. I need you to grab it, yank it and never speak of it again. Oh. Look at your face. It's scratched. What happened? M.J.: Nothing. Susan: And your shirt is ripped. That's the second time this week. Is someone picking on you? Who is it? Is it Jeffrey Hixon, that weird kid who eats paper? Is it Timmy Crowley? His mom slept in her car last night. Who knows what's going on there? Is it that boy from your birthday, the one who slugged the pony? (M.J. shakes his head.) Susan: Oh, sweetie. I know you're upset, but you'll feel better if you talk about it. And there's nothing you can't tell me. I'm your mommy. M.J.: I wanna talk to daddy. Susan: Okay. We'll give him a call. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house] Carlos: You're not gonna find another one in this condition. I mean, the car is a classic. Nabilas husband: Well, what do you think, Nabila? Nabila: Eh. I like it. I don't love it. Carlos: Tell you what. Gaby and I want to find our car a nice home. So I'm prepared to knock a grand off. What do you say? Nabilas husband: I say knock off 5 grand, and we'll talk. Gabrielle: Oh, come on. It's already priced way below blue book, not to mention it's mint. Nabilas husband: This is not mint. Hey, and you not see this ding in the bumper here? Gabrielle: Okay, this car goes zero to 60 in 5 seconds. By the time someone says, "wow, a ding," You're in the next county. Carlos: 4 grand, you got yourself a deal. Nabilas husband: Deal. Gabrielle: What? No! No, no deal! The nondriving blind guy does not speak for me. Carlos: Would you excuse us? Gaby, we've been trying to move this car for a month. We need the cash. Gabrielle: God, isn't there any way we can keep it? I mean, this car's the last thing I have that tells the world, "I'm better than you." Carlos: Sorry, babe. We have to pay the mortgage. We can't afford to be better than anyone. Gabrielle: Here. Take good care of her. Nabila: Actually, it's not for us. It's for our nanny. Gabrielle: Okay, that one hurt.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Katherines house] Mrs. McCluskey: Hey. So what'd you dig up on Mr. X.? Katherine: You mean Dave? Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah. Katherine: Nothing yet. Mrs. McCluskey: It's been two days. What gives? Katherine: Well, for starters, when I search for "Dave Williams," I get a million and a half hits. To narrow it down, I'm gonna need more information, like where he was Born, where he went to school. Did he serve time in the military? Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, believe me, if he served time, it was in the state Pen. Katherine: Hey! Dave! Dave: Morning, ladies. Mrs. McCluskey: Si bastard. Katherine: How are you? Dave: Hey, Katherine, your sprinkler system working okay now? Katherine: Like a charm. And thanks again. I've never been able to get that to work. Dave: Oh, I hear ya. To program those things, you need an engineering degree. Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, yeah? You got one of those? Katherine: Anyway...Really appreciate it. Dave: Take care. Katherine: I just can't go through with this. He--he just strikes me as so nice. Mrs. McCluskey: That's supposed to comfort me, given your track record with men? Katherine, please. The guy is bad news. I can't prove it, but I feel it in my bones. And I can't sit around doing nothing when I know that Edie's waking up every morning next to him. Katherine: If anyone finds out we're doing this... Mrs. McCluskey: No one will know. And when they do, they'll probably thank us. Because I'm telling ya, this guy is up to something. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes garage] Dave: Cleaning out the old garage-- my deepest sympathy. Tom: Hey, Dave. You--you settling in okay? Dave: Yeah. Yeah. Well, they finally delivered my flat screen. I was dying without it. I mean, it is 65 inches. Tom: Wow. Sweet! Dave: Hey, w--the play-offs are on. You should come check it out. It's like being right on the field. Tom: Yeah...Um, Lynette's really busting my hump about clearing this place out, so... Dave: Well, maybe later. The game doesn't start for a couple hours. We could order one of those giant sandwiches. Tom: Sorry, but, you know, check back with me. Make sure I survive this whole thing. Dave: Okay. Lynette: Hi, Dave. Dave: Hi. Lynette: Hey, Tom? Tom: Yeah? Lynette: Why are there two piles?
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Tom: Well, that's the pile that I'm throwing away, and, uh, this is the stuff I still need. Lynette: You need unopened mountain climbing equipment from 1986? You don't climb mountains. Tom: Not yet, but someday. I mean, you know... who knows? Lynette: I know. You get winded just climbing out of the tub. You're never gonna climb a mountain. You know what else you're never gonna do? Learn German, make your own beer or...have 8 minute abs. Tom: Come on, not the Ab-tastic. Lynette: Toss it, and keep tossing until this 2-car garage can hold at least one car. Dave: Please tell me you're not getting rid of your bass. Tom: No point in hanging on to it. I mean, being in a band is just one more thing I'll never do. Before he moved, Mike and I, we used to get together on Saturdays and just... jam. Man, that was fun. Dave: You know, I play the drums. Maybe you and I should jam sometime. I guess we could. Maybe even later today? Just... Tom: Yeah! Yeah, you know what? Just give me a couple hours. I gotta stash these old "Playboys." Dave: I'll see you later. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scavo Pizza Restaurant] Katherine: Now remember, you can't just start grilling Edie, or she'll get suspicious. We have to be subtle. Mrs. McCluskey: I'll just follow your lead. Katherine: Okay. Edie: Sorry I'm late. What a great idea! I haven't done this in ages-- a fun lunch with the girls. Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah, it's fun. Where was Dave Born? Edie: What? Katherine: We were just wondering where he got his great...manners. He's got that gentle bearing of a... southern gentleman. Edie: No, he's from somewhere in the Midwest. Mrs. McCluskey: "Somewhere"? You don't know where your husband grew up? Edie: Well, he showed me a picture of his childhood home once. It had a cow in it. I lost interest. Mrs. McCluskey: Honestly, Edie, how can you be married to a guy and not know these things? Katherine: You know what? I think it's time to order. Where's our waitress? Debbie: I'll be right with you, Mrs. Mayfair. Katherine: Oh, no problem, Debbie. You take your Time. She is such a sweet girl. She's saving money for college. Mrs. McCluskey: Speaking of which...Where did Dave go to college? Katherine: Come on, Debbie! While we're young! Edie: I don't know. Mrs. McCluskey: All right. What about high school? Edie: Why are you asking me all these questions? Mrs. McCluskey: I just think it's odd that you're married to some guy--you don't know anything about him. Katherine: Other than the fact that he's a lovely man. He... fixed my sprinkler. Edie: I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to the ladies' room. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, your subtle approach got us nowhere. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Andrews apartment] Andrew: I've been through a lot with this baby. I hate to sell her, but, you know, with my new sports car coming, I don't really need it. Yeah. Here she is. Carlos: How's it look?
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Gabrielle: Be glad you're blind. Carlos: We have to be practical. We just need something to get us from point "A" to point "B". Now let's buy the thing. Gabrielle: Okay, just let me handle this. Andrew: So...do we have a sale? Gabrielle: I don't know, Andrew. I mean...we like it. We don't love it. Andrew: Yeah, well, no one buys a car like this and loves it. It's all about the price. And you're not gonna do better. Gabrielle: Yeah, about that price--You're gonna have to drop it. I mean, look at all these dents. Andrew: Yeah, it's also missing three hubcaps, and it's got a hanger for an antenna. Full disclosure-- it's a piece of crap. You want it or not? Gabrielle: Well, I'll tell you what. Since your mom and I are dear friends, I'll take it off your hands if you knock off $ 300. Andrew: And since my mom and you are dear friends, I'll resist the urge to flip you the bird. Gabrielle: Andrew! Unless you lower this price, we're walking...right now. Andrew: See ya. Gabrielle: I mean it. This is it. Andrew: Fine. Gabrielle: Fine. Okay, fine. Knock off $200, and we'll give you cash. Andrew: No. Gabrielle: $ 100. Andrew: No. Gabrielle: Wh--Will you at least have it washed? Andrew: I'll empty the ashtray. Final offer. Gabrielle: Damn you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: You beat me again! Curse you and your diabolical checkers prowess. Bree: All right, Orson. Don't overexcite him on the upholstery. So, Danielle, what would you like me to make as a side dish for your welcome home party? I can do anything so long as it complements beef tenderloin. Danielle: Actually, we don't eat meat. We're vegetarians. Bree: Excuse me? Danielle: So is Benjamin. Bree: Oh. Well... Since when? Danielle: Since I realized that meat was a byproduct of murder. Bree: Would it be more acceptable if I shopped for a suicidal pork loin? Orson: Bree, it's no big deal. I'll just make a nice risotto. Bree: This isn't about dinner. This is about her nutty liberal politics getting in the way of our grandson's nutrition. Danielle: He gets all the protein he needs from cheese and beans d tofu. Bree: Well, this isn't just about nutrition. Do you want him to be teased at school every time he pulls tofu out of his lunchbox? Leo: Actually, that won't be an issue. Danielle is homeschooling him. Bree: Excuse me? You're teaching him? Danielle: Yes. I take it you have an opinion? Bree: So instead of sending him to a proper school, you're gonna give him the benefit of your straight "C"
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average? Danielle: Hey, he's only 6, and he's Already reading at a third grade level. Bree: Well, what happens next year when he overtakes you? Orson: Uh, Bree...ahem. Best behavior, remember? Bree: I am sorry, but am I supposed to sit by while she degrades his body and his mind? Danielle: Fine. Criticize my parenting all you want. I don't care, because you don't get to decide how he's raised anymore. I'm his mother. And by the way, Mark your calendars, 'cause seven years from next Saturday--Benjamin's bar mitzvah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes garage] Tom: Hey. Lynette: Hey. Tom: Isn't this cool? Dave brought his drums over so we could jam. Dave: Your boy is pretty good. Tom: Yeah, And we figured out we got bass, we got drums Mike plays guitar. I think Orson plays keyboards. You see where I am going with this? Lynette: I do, but I'm hoping I'm wrong. Tom: We're gonna start a garage band! Lynette: And I wasn't! Tom: Maybe if we get good enough, we can even get, like, a couple of gigs. How fun would that be? Lynette: "Gigs"? Did you just say "gigs"? Dave: Now all's we need is a little time to practice--A few nights a week, some weekends. Lynette: What? Tom: Well, yeah, just until we get the rhythm section all dialed in. Lynette: Okay, I need to dial you in to some gigs you already have, which are running a restaurant, being a husband and a father. And I thought you were the one who said you wanted to spend more time with your family. Tom: But we could play clubs. Dave: I mean, he's just having a little fun, Lynette. Guys need to blow off steam. Lynette: Could you just...for a sec? Come on. You know I'm right. You're far too busy for this. Tom: Wow. You can't just decide for me like that. I mean, if I wanna play bass, I will play bass. I'm not hurting anybody. Lynette: Those of us with hearing beg to differ. Tom: Okay, you know what? Please leave our rehearsal space. Lynette: Oh, come on, Tom. This is not your------------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles crap car]] Gabrielle: Guys, hey, knock it off back there. Oh, god. What now? [Andrews apartment] Andrew: Oh. Hey. What's up? Gabrielle: You sold me a lemon. That's what's up. Andrew: What are you talking about? Gabrielle: Your car! I took it to a mechanic, who told me the radiator's shot. Andrew: Oh. That. Yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jug. Gabrielle: What jug? Andrew: Oh, it's in the trunk. You just keep it full of water, and when the radiator overheats, you fill it up. Oh,
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and, uh, try not going up hills and stay in the shade as much as possible. Gabrielle: Okay, I-I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun. Andrew: Well, sorry. If you want a car with no flaws, buy a new one. Gabrielle: Or I could get the radiator fixed, which is gonna cost $300, which you are paying for. Andrew: Wow, wow, wow. Remember full disclosure? Crap? This is your car. It's your problem. Gabrielle: Okay, you know what? That's it. I wanna talk to your mother. Andrew: Uh, well, she's in a meeting right now. Can I take a message? Gabrielle: Damn it, Andrew. You tell Bree to call me by the end of the day. Andrew: May I ask what it's regarding? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: All right, we'll talk about it more later, buddy. Why don't you go on outside and play for a while? M.J.: Okay. Susan: Well, what did he say? Mike: Well, he still won't tell me who's picking on him, but he did ask me to teach him how to fight. Susan: He's only 5. I don't want him fighting. Mike: I'm sorry, but every boy has to learn how to throw a punch eventually. Susan: Ugh. Jackson: You know, if you wanna give him a leg up, you could teach him a little capoeira. Mike: Capo-what? Jackson: Oh, it's a Brazilian martial art that incorporates dance. Mike: Yeah, 'cause there's nothing scarier than a guy coming at ya with jazz hands. Jackson: That's funny, but actually, the dance part's to catch your opponent off guard. Mike: Like that? Jackson: No, there's a little more nuance to it. Mike: Ooh! Jackson: Like that. Mike: Where's the "dance" part? Jackson: Oh! Mike: There it is, ginger! Susan: You know what, boys? Not in the house. Oh, my god! [Susans lawn] M.J.: Give it back! It's my ball! Juanita: It's my ball now. Susan: Hey! You leave him Alone. Oh! Honey! Is that who's been picking on you? Juanita Solis? M.J.: Uhum. Susan: Well, she is going to get a big surprise, because your daddy is about to turn you into a killing machine. Mike: Uh, M.J., can I talk to your mom for a second? M.J.: Uhum. Susan: What? Mike: I can't teach him to hit a girl. Susan: That's not just any girl. You saw her. She could take down a small deer. Mike: It doesn't matter. If it wears a skirt, it's off-limits. Susan: That is sexi. If feminism means anything, it's that it's okay for a big, mean girl to get her butt kicked. You, teach him one of those Brazilian kung fu cha-cha things. Jackson: I'm with Mike. You can't hit girls.
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Susan: Ah! Couple of wusses. I'll handle it myself. Jackson: Oops! Didn't see that coming. Mike: Just for that, I'm breaking my rule about not hitting girls. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house] Susan: Gaby, we have a problem. I just saw Juanita push M.J. down. Gabrielle: Really? Susan: Really. It's not the first time. Juanita's been bullying him. Gabrielle: Wow. I'm sorry. I'll talk to her. Susan: Thank you. Gabrielle: And don't worry. No one will hear about this from me. Susan: Hear what? Gabrielle: That M.J.'s getting beat up by a little girl. Susan: Well...A girl. Gabrielle: Are you suggesting that Juanita is fat for her age? Susan: Gaby, Juanita's fat for your age. Gabrielle: Yeah? Well, let's face it. M.J. could get beaten up by a kitten. Susan: You know what? Maybe you could teach your daughter how to use her words and not her fists. Gabrielle: Yeah? Or maybe you could teach your son to grow a pair! -----------------------------------------------------------[Childrens Play Area] Benjamin: What you looking at? Bree: Oh, just some old pictures. Can you guess who that little girl is? (Benjamin shakes his head.) Bree: That's your mom way back when she was your age. Benjamin: What's she eating? Bree: Oh! Uh, a hot dog. Benjamin: No way. Bree: Oh, yes. Your mother loved hot dogs. Every day at lunchtime, she'd say to me, "Mommy, I want hot dog." Benjamin: How come she doesn't eat them now? Bree: Well, because she's all grown-up. You see, hot dogs and hamburgers are what make little boys and girls grow up to be big and strong. And now that she's grown-up, she doesn't need them anymore. Benjamin: Doesn't mommy want me to be big and strong? Bree: I've been asking myself that all day. Maybe she's afraid if you get big, you'll leave home and go play for the Red Sox. Benjamin: But I want to get big. I want to play baseball. Bree: Oh. Well...In that case... Benjamin: Can I? Bree: You have to promise not to tell your mommy. Benjamin: Okay. Bree: Well, what do you think? Benjamin: It's like tofu, only better. Bree: Yes. Yes, it is. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes garage]
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Two three four when Tom Scavo through himself into his new hobby. His wife told herself. It was a phase, and it would pass quickly. But three hours later, she realized it could not pass quickly enough. So Lynette began to plot against her husband's instrument of torture. Lynette: Ooh! Careful, honey. Penny: Sorry. Lynette: You could break your dad's guitar and... Mary Alice Voiceover: It was at that moment her daughter provided her an idea for a... simple accident...and...a clean alibi. Tom: Damn it! Lynette: Hey, is everything all right? Oh, my! Tom: It was lying in the middle of the floor! Lynette: How in the world did that happen? Tom: Has Penny been playing in here again? I've told her a million times! Lynette: Now I'm sure it was an accident, Tom. Please don't yell at her. Tom: This was a $1,600 bass. I can't afford to replace it. Penny Lynn Scavo! Where is she? Lynette: Oh, Tom! She's up in her room. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] M.J.: I'm gonna go play outside. Susan: Oh! Wait. Your forgot your whistle. Okay, sweetie. This is just to be on the safe side. If Juanita comes around, you just blow it. I'll be right there. M.J.: Okay. Susan: Good boy. [Susans lawn] M.J.: Hey, give me back my whistle! Susan: Juanita Solis, don't you move! You are in big trouble! Juanita: What's on your head? Susan: Never mind. What did you do to M.J.? Juanita: He wouldn't let me blow his whistle. Susan: So your solution was to push him down? Do you think that's nice? How would you feel if someone did that to you? Juanita: I wouldn't care. Susan: Oh, really? You don't think it would hurt? Juanita: Even if it did... I'm not a crybaby like M.J. Susan: I'm sorry. Juanita, I just wanted you to see how it felt. Are you okay? Gabrielle: Susan, I saw that! Kids, get inside! Susan: Okay, first off, it wasn't as bad as it looked. Gabrielle: Really? 'cause it looked like you body-slammed my daughter. Susan: I barely tapped her. She was milking it. Gabrielle: That's your defense? You were only assaulting her "a little"? Susan: I was trying to teach her not to be a bully--Something she should have learned from her mother. Gabrielle: Well, I'm sorry. I was too busy trying to explain to her why M.J. Doesn't wear a dress like All the other little girls. Susan: This conversation is over. Tell Bob and Lee that I'll pay for the dent in their lawn. You did not! Gabrielle: I did. Susan: You know what? We've both been incredibly childish here, and it is time one of us took the high road,
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so I am now going to walk away. Please take note of this conflict resolution and try to pass the lesson on to your daughter. Gabrielle: You can dye that hair all you want, but the gray's just gonna keep coming. Edie: And they call me white trash. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Hey. Dave: You got a minute? Lynette: Yeah. Sure. Come on in. Dave: I, uh, I heard there was a little accident. So...I got this for Tom. Lynette: You bought Tom a new bass? Dave: It's not as smooth as his old one, but it's good. Lynette: We can't accept this. Dave: It's mostly selfish on my part. I was having too much fun. Lynette: Well, sorry. But Maybe you could go skateboarding with Orson. Dave: All right. Forget about me. Tom was having fun. And from what I've seen, he needs it. Lynette: And what makes you think you know what my husband needs? Dave: Just something that I saw the other day, When you were making him get rid of all his things. Lynette: You mean his junk? Dave: It may be junk to you, but to Tom...well, that was stuff he was gonna get around to. You know what a midlife crisis is? Lynette: I'm married to a 45-year-old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know. Dave: But you know how it happens? A man gets to a certain age, and he realizes...he's gonna die someday. Really die. And what's worse is that he's everything he's ever gonna be. He's never gonna be rich. He's never gonna climb a mountain. Now some guys do bad things when they get those thoughts in their heads. By comparison, playing in a garage band--well...It seems pretty harmless. Lynette: So...now my marriage is in trouble, and you're gonna save it by giving Tom a bass? Dave: No. No. I'm not. You are. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Leo: Most of the guys in my class went into corporate law, but I wanted to do something that would influence environmental policy. Danielle: That's how he ended up at the E.P.A. Katherine: Aw. So, Leo, where did you study law? Leo: Cornell. Leo: Now I'm jealous. I always wished that I'd gone to a school like Cornell. But...it just wasn't in the cards for me. How about you, Dave? Dave: Me? No. Wasn't in my cards, either. Mrs. McCluskey: So where did you go? Dave: After listening to Leo, I'd be embarrassed to tell you. So... E.P.A. What's your opinion on global warming--Fact or fiction? Edie: Hold on, Darling. Mrs. McCluskey asked you a question. Tell her where you went to school. Dave: Oh, Edie, I think she was just making conversation. So-Edie: Okay, then why don't you tell me where you went? After all, I am your wife. Shouldn't I know? Dave: Actually, I didn't go to college. I took a job out of high school because my family was having a hard time. Not having a degree is something that has always been embarrassing to me, especially when I'm with people
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who do. So, my darling, is there anything else you'd like to quiz me about in public? My...childhood stuttering? My dad's drinking problems? Edie: No. I'm...good. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - doorway] Susan: I came to say I'm sorry. Gabrielle: You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you? Susan: I brought booze. Gabrielle: Come on in. [Indoor] Susan: Like, I have this rule--No toy guns. Except everything that M.J. Picks up--Whether it's a hairbrush, a hanger, everything--he pretends it's a gun. Gabrielle: Well, what do you expect? Susan: He's a boy. That's my point! I know nothing about raising boys. And I think M.J. Has figured this out, so he goes straight to Mike whenever there's a problem. Gabrielle: But that's okay. Mike's a great dad. Susan: Yeah, sure, on alternate weekends. That's fine...until... M.J. needs his daddy, and his daddy's not there. Gabrielle: Susan, it's not your fault. Susan: Well, we split up, so it's at least half my fault any way you slice it. Gabrielle: Well, if it's any consolation, Carlos is a hands-on, full-time dad, and I still feel like I'm not getting the job done, like...I'm not preparing them enough. Susan: Preparing them for what? Gabrielle: For how hard life is. I mean, I have to admit, when you told me Juanita was bullying M.J., my first thought was, thank god! Let her do the pushing, just as long as she's not a victim. Susan: Well, I don't see any kid of yours being a victim. You're the strongest person I know. Gabrielle: I used to be. Look at my life, Susan. I...I've been beaten down. Susan: Well, I thought I had you beaten today, and next think I knew, I was eating grass. Gabrielle: Today doesn't count. Today I was mad. Susan: Maybe you need to get mad more often. Gabrielle: Maybe you're right. Susan: This is nice. We should rumble all the time. Gabrielle: To Susan Mayer--Good mom. Susan: To Gabrielle Solis--Another good mom. Juanita: (upstairs) Mommy, we're hungry! Gabrielle: So?! There's waffles in the freezer! And get mommy some ice! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Isn't this nice? For the first time in years, my family is all here under the same roof. Leo: Here's to many more meals together. Edie: Yes. Aw. Welcome home. Cheers. Benjamin: I don't feel good, Danielle. Katherine: "Danielle"? Benjamin: I think I'm gonna be sick. Bree: Let's get you to the powder room. (Benjamin throws up on the floor.)
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Orson: Here we are--Mushroom risotto. Mrs. McCluskey: There's an unfortunate coincidence. Danielle: I'm so sorry, mom. I'll clean it up. Bree: No, um, you take Benjy upstairs. I'll get it. Orson, could you get the mop, please? Danielle: Oh, my god. Is that meat? Bree: No! Of course not. Danielle: Does this look like meat to you? Dave: It's...hard to tell. Katherine: Just so we're clear, what I'm about to throw up is a western omelet. Bree: That is not meat. Danielle: That piece right there-- that's definitely meat! Edie: Still waiting on that mop. Danielle: What did grandma give you to eat? Benjamin: She said not to tell. Danielle: You gave him meat and then told him to lie?! Bree: I gave him a hot dog, all right? He liked it so much, he asked for another. Leo: Two hot dogs? Bree: All right, I'll concede the second one was clearly a mistake. Danielle: Come on, Leo. We're leaving. Orson: No! Danielle, please. Danielle: I'm sorry, Orson. She's made it impossible for us to stay in this house. Orson: Danielle, wait, wait. Katherine: Well, we can still drink, right? Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, yeah. [Kitchen] Bree: Well, I've apologized till I'm blue in the face, but they're still leaving in the morning. Now you're not speaking to me, either? They're just mad. Things will be better next time. Orson: You honestly think there'll be a next time? It took us three years to talk them into this visit. It took you one day...to ruin it. Bree: Orson, I'm truly sorry. It's just, seeing...all these mistakes that she's making with Benjamin, it's just so hard for me. Orson: You know what hard for me? When I left for prison, Benjamin was in my house, he was in my life. He called me "daddy." And when I came home, he was gone. Bree: And you think that's my fault? Orson: Yes, I do. Bree: Orson, you weren't here. She came back. She was married to a lawyer. And don't forget, she is his mother! I tried to fight, but-Orson: You should've fought harder. Bree: I was on my knees. I was sobbing. She said "no" and then ripped him out of my arms. You have no right to say that to me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: You kind of blindsided me tonight. Edie: I know. I am so sorry. Dave: I was clearly uncomfortable. I don't understand why you kept pressing me. Edie: Honestly, it was all Karen McCluskey's fault.
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Dave: Really? How so? Edie: Well, she kept asking me all this stuff about your background and why I don't know more about you, and...I should've just never let her get to me. Dave: It's okay, sweetie. Now I understand. Kind of sad when you think about it. Edie: What do you mean? Dave: Oh...maybe you guys don't notice because you're so used to her. But her behavior reminds me of my grandmother, when we first started to notice...the dementia, that is. Edie: You think Karen's going senile? Dave: I remember my poor grandmother...started getting so paranoid. She thought people were breaking into her house and...stealing her things. We finally had to put her in a home. I just hope that doesn't happen to Karen. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Andrews apartment] Gabrielle: I want my 300 bucks. Andrew: I told you. It's your car. You deal with it. Gabrielle: That's it? No compassion? No, "Hey, let's split the bill and call it even"? Andrew: Look at it this way. You're not losing 300 bucks. You're gaining a valuable lesson--buyer beware. Gabrielle: True. Now here's a valuable lesson for you. Andrew: Hey,hey,hey. What t hell is wrong with you?! Gabrielle: Give me my money, or next time we're trading paint. Andrew: You're bluffing. Gabrielle: I am tired of being a victim, Andrew. And trust me, that is no bluff. Andrew: Hey! You--you touch my car, and you're paying for it. Gabrielle: Luckily, I'm insured. Oh, wait. Our policy lapsed. Hope you've got good coverage. Andrew: Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait, wait. I'll get my checkbook. Gabrielle: I prefer cash. Mary Alice Voiceover: Bullies...Any adult will tell you the playground is not the only place to find them. Everywhere you look, you can find people unconcerned or unaware of the pain they inflict. It might be a neighbor preying on the suspicions of her friend...or a daughter punishing the choices of her mother. Or a housewife seeking justice from the man who sold her a car. Yes...There are bullies everywhere. And the worst are the ones who take advantage of you without you ever knowing what they've done. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X04 Back in business -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree's husband felt rejected. Orson: I think it's strange to see my wife billed as "Mrs. Van de Kamp." Bree: It's how I'm known. Linda: Is there a Mr. Van de Kamp? Bree: No, uh, Mr. Van de Kamp is deceased. Orson: Would it have killed you to have mentioned me? It's because I went to jail, isn't it?
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette's husband was excited. Tom: We're gonna start a garage band! Lynette: I thought you were the one who said you wanted to spend more time with your family. Dave: Guys need to blow off steam. Mary Alice Voiceover: Edie's new husband had a past... Dr. Heller Voiceover: (on video) You've been here six weeks, and you don't seem any closer to coming to terms with your rage. Dave: I've come to terms with it, and I like it just the way it is. ... Mary Alice Voiceover:which remained a mystery. Mrs. McCluskey: I just think it's odd that you're married to some guy. You don't know anything about him. Edie: Well, she kept asking me all this stuff about your background. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Susan tried to move on. Susan: Well, I sort of started seeing someone. Mike: Good for you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Kindergarten - "Meet the teacher" night] Mary Alice Voiceover: Every year, Ms. Elenora Butters would ask her kindergarten class to draw a picture of their families which she would then display on "Meet the teacher" night. That's how Ty Richmond's parents saw his depiction of their fighting...And Amy Hines' parents saw her portrayal of their drinking. And Jason Monte's parents saw his illustration of their hygiene. You see, Ms. Butters felt it was important for parents to see themselves through their children's eyes. She knew the experience... Eds mother: Ed, he's got me vacuuming in my bra. Do I do that? Mary Alice Voiceover:could be very educational. Mike: I know, I know. Susan: Did I not say 7:00? You missed their little show. M.J. Was tooth decay. Mike: Well, crosstown traffic killed me. And I told you to videotape it. Susan: Well, did you tell me to take off the lens cap? Next Time, be more specific. Elenora: Mr. Delfino, glad you made it. Uh, did you get to see M.J.'s artwork? Mike: No, not yet. Can't wait. Oh. Oh, hey, look at that. There we are, standing in front of the house. Susan: Look what he did with my hair. I kind of like the bangs. Mike: Yeah, look, he put a wrench in my pocket. And see how big my muscles are? Susan: Which is a good thing, 'cause there's a shark attacking the house. M.J.: Hey, daddy. Mike: Hey, buddy. Your mommy and I were just looking at your wonderful painting. M.J.: You like it? Mike: I love it, especially how big and strong you made me look. M.J.: That's not you. That's Jackson. See the paintbrush in his pocket? Elenora: Oh, who's Jackson? M.J.: He paints our house...until my mom makes him drink wine and have a sleepover. Susan: Because...Mike and I are divorced, so that's why...it was supposed to be a picture of the family, so you should've put your daddy in it. M.J.: I did. Mike: Oh, the... the bug with the little hat? M.J.: That's you, 'cause you're always so far away. Mike: Oh, yeah, that's, um...Now I see me. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes...every year, Ms. Elenora Butters would ask her class to draw a picture of their
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families, even though she knew the portraits...might not be that flattering. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house doorway] Mary Alice Voiceover: If you look closely into the faces of your friends, you'll see it. Lynette: Hey. Congratulations! Bree: Hi! Come on in! Mary Alice Voiceover: Right behind their smiles, you will see a certain green-eyed monster, and then you'll understand how envious they are of your well-kept home...your delicious recipes...and your tasteful sessions. [Inside] Bree: Here's my cookbook. Mary Alice Voiceover: But you'll have to work hard to see the jealousy, because good friends always work hard to hide it. Gabrielle: Look at you, right on the cover! Bree: These are advanced copies. I wanted you to be the first to have them. Lynette: Oh, and look, you signed it--"To Lynette, the sweetest, most wonderful friend I've ever known." Susan: "To Susan, the sweetest, most--" Bree: We don't have to read them out loud. Orson: Don't mind me, ladies. I'm just grabbing a kiss on my way to the salt mines. Bree: Mmm. Oh. Mmm. You have a good day. Orson: Thanks, babe. Oh, did you show the ad? Bree: Yeah. Oh, I almost forgot. Orson: Uh, bye. Bree: Isn't this nice? They're running it next month in "Woman's Day." Susan: You're gonna be in magazines, too? Bree: They've come up with this whole marketing plan--radio, print, book signings. Susan: Wow! Isn't it fantastic? Gabrielle: No, it's horrible! She's gonna become this famous author and have no time at all for us. Katherine: No, come on, Gaby. You know that Bree will never change. Bree: Thank you, Katherine. I will never become stuck-up and full of myself. Katherine: I didn't say that. I said you'd never change. Bree: Very funny. I hardly think you have to worry about me becoming famous. Gabrielle: You have a marketing plan. You wanna see my marketing plan? Katherine: "milk, bread, vodka, condoms--" Lynette: Ha ha ha .Could I see that? I'd love to read it. Bree: Why? Lynette: Well, back before I consecrated my life to mozzarella, marketing was sort of what I did. Bree: Oh, right! Of course. I would, uh, love to hear your thoughts. Susan: So you're still gonna wanna hang out with us, even when you're totally fabulous, and we're still nobodies? Bree: Girls, you are making way too much of this. I am not a bit more fabulous than any one of you. Excuse me. Bree: (on phone) What is it, Andrew? Andrew: (on phone) I hope you're free for lunch on the 12th, 'cause the chamber of commerce just named you businesswoman of the year.
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Bree: (on phone) Oh, my god! That is so amazing! The, uh, dry cleaner just, um...found my sweater. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Orsons office - lawn] Man: Girls, catch up with you later! Orson: (on phone) Hi. Bree: (on phone) Orson, I have amazing news. The chamber of commerce just called. Orson: (on phone) Oh? What about? Bree: (on phone) I wanna buy you lunch and tell you in person. I will be at your office in two minutes. Orson: (on phone) Uh, no! No, don't come to my office. You know, I can't have lunch now. Um, I'm in a meeting. Bree: (on phone) Well, I'll wait in reception until it's over. Orson: (on phone) No, it'll take hours. It's a very urgent, high-level stuff. Bree: (on phone) What kind of meeting is it? Orson: (on phone) George, hey! Turn that radio down! Bree: (on phone) Where are you? Orson: (on phone) I told you, I'm in a meeting. I gotta go. I'll see you soon. Bree: (on phone) Yes, you will. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house outside the garage] Susan: Mike! What's going on? M.J.: Daddy got me a bike. Susan: Yes, I see. And here, mommy thought we'd agreed to wait till your birthday. Crazy mommy. M.J.: Can you teach me to ride it? Mike: No, not today. I gotta go install a water heater. But, uh, you keep practicing, and the next afternoon I have free, we'll bust off those training wheels and go kick up some dirt. Okay? M.J.: Okay. Mike: All right. Susan: Oh, my god. This is about M.J.'s drawing, isn't it? Mike: What? Susan: He does not love Jackson more than you. He knows who his father is. Mike: I know that. Can't a guy get his kid a bike without being psychoanalyzed? Susan: So you're totally fine with that drawing? Mike: Well, I won't go sticking it on my fridge anytime soon, but yeah. Look, I'm glad you're dating a nice guy. I'm glad he likes my kid, and my kid likes him. Here's a bike. That's all it is. Jackson: Hey, guys. M.J.: Jackson, look at my new bike! Jackson: Pretty cool. Mike: Uh, that's a custom titanium frame. Make sure M.J. knows that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] TV: So, Wendy, I gotta know about the weather. Juanita: Mommy, can Bethany go home now? Gabrielle: Honey, she's only been here 20 minutes. We invited her over to play, so go play. Juanita: But all she does is spin. TV: ...Somewhat across the reach of the state, knocking temperatures down I would say a few degrees... Gabrielle: Honey, we want Bethany to be our friend, so if she wants to spin, just suck it up and spin.
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Carlos: Why are you shoving that little weirdo down Juanita's throat? Gabrielle: That little weirdo is the key to you and I having more sex. Carlos: I know I should ask a few questions, but I'm in. Gabrielle: Bethany's mom hosts a weekly playdate. I'm trying to get Juanita an invitation. Carlos: How does that lead to quality time with your boobs? Gabrielle: Carlos, the only time you and I have to ourselves is late at night, but by that time, we're too exhausted. And now that we have Celia in afternoon preschool, all we have to do is unload Juanita, and then we can get back to doing the nasty. Carlos: This doesn't seem right. I mean, dumping our kid off on some unsuspecting woman so that we can have sex? Gabrielle: Wake up! Playdates were invented by mothers for this exact purpose. Shopping, sex, drinking in the afternoon--playdates make all these things possible. Carlos: I-I don't know. I feel bad making my kid playing with someone that she obviously doesn't like. Gabrielle: Bethany's mom will take Juanita once a week for two whole hours. That is sex and a nap. Carlos: Juanita! I don't hear you spinning! -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Orsons office - lawn] Bree: I don't understand. You said the job was going so well. Orson: It was. Then three weeks ago, my parole officer left me a message at work. That's when they found out I lied on my application when I said I didn't have a criminal record. Bree: So you've been pretending to go to work for three weeks? Orson: I know you're angry. Bree: Honey...I'm not angry. I'm hurt that you didn't feel like you could tell me. Orson: I was embarrassed. Bree, when we married, I was the breadwinner. Now you--you have your company and you have your book. I-I'm a felon who can't hold on to a job. Bree: Orson, we're partners. We share everything. Any success I have is just as much yours as it is mine. Orson: Thank you, darling. So...why did the chamber of commerce call? Bree: Apparently, we've been named businesswoman of the year. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes garage] Tom: Is that good enough?! Wow! You'd be killer in our band. I mean, wouldn't he be killer, Dave? Dave: Uh, Donald, why don't you let us talk it over and we'll get back to you? Donald: No problem. I have to get back to the office anyway. Quarterly tax time has got me swamped. Tom: Well, we'll--we'll definitely call youtoday. Donald: Thanks, gentlemen. Tom: Don't you think he crushed it? Dave: He was good... you know, technically. He didn't really have heart. Tom: What do you mean? When he played "Voodoo child," it was like Hendrix has risen. Dave: Hey, what about Mike? I thought that's who we were gonna get. Tom: Well, I asked, but he said he's too busy. Dave: Too busy to live a little? Not gonna fly. Call him. Give him my number. I'll talk to him. Tom: Okay, sure. But--but what about DonaldI mean, 'cause if we don't get Mike, I wanna make s-Dave: Tom, Donald's out, all right? Have Mike call me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: Wow. What a rehearsal. Dave and I were smokin'. Did you hear us? Lynette? Lynette.
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Lynette: I'm sorry. What? Tom: Never mind. What are you working on? What, is this Bree's ad stuff? Lynette: Oh, god, no. Her agency really whiffed... Hmm? So I'm coming up with a whole new campaign. I was looking through my old portfolio for inspiration. Tom: Mm-hmm. Oh! I remember this one. "Feet? Meet your new best friends." It was a classic. Lynette: You know, its been years since I looked through this stuff. I'd forgotten I was...kinda great. Tom: You were awesome! I mean, come on. How lucky is Bree to have a neighbor that used to be a big advertising hotshot? Lynette: Well, Maybe I'm the lucky one. This could be a perfect way for me to stick my toe back in the business. Nothing big, Maybe just pick up some freelance work. Tom: But, honey, if you do that, where you gonna find the time for the family and the restaurant? Lynette: Well, gee, I don't know. I guess the same place that you find time for your garage band. Tom: Lynette, I'm just saying that if--if you... -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Okay, I dropped off Celia at preschool, and Juanita's at her playdate. Drop trou. Carlos: Why don't you put on that sexy red Teddy? Gabrielle: Can I ask why? I mean, you can't see it. Carlos: Yeah, but I can feel it, and I love the sensation of sliding silk off your body. Gabrielle: Aw. What's it like, Carlos? Carlos: What? Gabrielle: Sex as a blind man. I mean, you used to be so visual. Is it still as good? Carlos: Oh, it's better. I mean, having to rely on your senses of touch and taste and smell...It's actually way more intense. Gabrielle: Really? You're so lucky. Carlos: What, you want blind sex? I think I can arrange that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] Orson: Hey there. Bree: Looks like somebody's job interview went well. Orson: Nope. They turned me down flat. Bree: Aw. Orson: But as I was driving home, it suddenly hit me. I may be persona non grata at every company in this town, but there's at least one employer I know who would love to hire me. Bree: Oh. Who? Orson: You. Bree: You wanna work here? Orson: Why not? I'm great with food. I understand business. I can't beat the commute. Bree: Well, that's certainly an intriguing notion. But wouldn't it be awkward having me as your boss? Orson: Absolutely. But as you said in the park, we share everything. So I would be more of a... partner. Bree: Partners? Oh. Katherine: Well-- Bree, would you give me a hand with this arrangement? Bree: Just give me a sec. Katherine: I think the lilies need their own vase. If you hire him, I will cut you with these scissors! Bree: I don't think we need to do that. Katherine: I think they're crowding the irises out. Just like he's trying to crowd me out. You already have a
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partner, remember? Bree: Oh, well, I think the irises and the lilies could work together. Katherine: Nope. One of them has to go. Orson: If I may offer an opinion Bree: Not a good time, Orson. Katherine: Tell him now, or I will walk. Bree: Orson, you really don't wanna work with me. I mean, you only see me at home. But at work, when the pressure's on, I can be a bit of a handful. Katherine's seen how I get. Katherine: Oh, yes. Bitchy, tyrannical, shrill-Bree: He gets it, dear. Honey, you're my partner in life. But if we want to keep it that way, we shouldn't mix marriage and business. Orson: But no one else will hire me. Bree: Well, you've only been looking for a few weeks. I mean, give it another... Say, month or two, and you still haven't found anything, then we'll revisit the idea. Okay? Orson: Okay. It was just a thought. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - bedroom] Carlos: Oh, so what'd you think? Gabrielle: Oh, my god, you were right. Blind sex is incredible. Carlos: Ahh, give me ten more minutes and an energy bar, and we can go one more time. Gabrielle: No, I think we're done. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - bedroom] Gabrielle: Honey! What are you doing home? I thought you were at Bethany's. Juanita: I got a tummyache. Her mom brought me back. Gabrielle: Well, how long have you been standing there? Juanita: I don't know. What were you two doing? Carlos: Um, we were, uh... Gabrielle: We were wrestling. Wrestling. Juanita: Did daddy hurt you? You were making loud noises. Gabrielle: No! No, that wasn't real. Sometimes I fake it when I wrestle with daddy. Juanita: Please don't wrestle with mommy. You're too big. You could hurt her. Gabrielle: Yeah, Carlos, stop that. Okay, go to your room, and I'm gonna bring you something for your tummy. I think she bought it. Carlos: You mean the story of how daddy beats up mommy? Gabrielle: Relax. I told her I was fine. Carlos: Look, I could hear the worry in her voice. Why don't we just tell her the truth? Gabrielle: What, that sometimes mommy rides daddy like a mechanical bull to get jewelry? She's 5. She's too young to understand either half of that. Carlos: It's the facts of life. She's gonna learn 'em eventually, and it's the most natural thing in the world. Gabrielle: Carlos, if she was standing there any longer than five minutes, there was nothing natural about what she saw. Carlos: By the way, thank you for that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house]
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Susan: (on phone) Hello? Mike: (on phone) Hey, it's me. Listen, I've got some free time, so I thought I'd come over and teach M.J. How to ride his new bike. Susan: (on phone) Great. He's so excited to learn. Are you sure he's ready to go without training wheels? Mike: (on phone) Oh, he'll probably have to take a few spills, but luckily, he'll have his old man there to pick him up. Susan: (on phone) Yeah. He's been asking when you're coming. I can't wait to tell him. I know he'll be just...Ah Mike: (on phone) What's the Matter? Susan: (on phone) Spider. Big one. Gotta go! [outside] M.J.: Mommy, look, no training wheels. Susan: I know! You did great! Jackson, can I see you a sec? Jackson: That was amazing! He learned so fast. Susan: Yeah. You know what I learned? Mike is on his way over here to teach his son how to ride the bike he bought--something he was looking forward to until you ruined it. Jackson: W-why didn't you tell me that? I didn't know Susan: I had to tell you not to steal a father's precious moment. Jackson: M.J.--he just kept asking me. He--he made me do it. Susan: You could've walked away. Jackson: No, I couldn't! He said, "Pwease!" Susan: Damn it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: As you can see, the graphic works just as well on a free-standing display unit. Neat, huh? Bree: Goodness, Lynette. When you offered to share your thoughts on my campaign, I wasn't expecting anything quite so...elaborate. Lynette: Well, who knew your marketing guys were such lame-os? What they came up with is so...tepid. Bree: Um, I think "understated" was what they were going for. Lynette: Well, they overshot and wound up in "bland," right on the border of "sucky." You need to grab your audience, just grab 'em. I've gone for jazzier colors, bolder fonts. Oh, I have really played up the whole nostalgia angle. Bree: "Let Mrs. Van de Kamp turn your oven into a Time machine." Lynette: I see women really responding to that. Bree: Do you? Because I see children crawling into ovens, hoping to see dinosaurs. Lynette: AwOkay. Well...I've got a whole bunch of alternatives. Bree: Oh, Lynette, I appreciate everything you've done. But I've actually approved the old campaign, and I can't just tell them I've changed my mind. Lynette: You don't have to. I'll be the bad guy. Just tell 'em you've hired me, and I'll go in there, six-guns ablazing. So...do we have a deal? Just give me the word. Bree: No. Lynette: No? Bree: Sorry, but I prefer their campaign. Lynette: But mine is better. Bree: Well, you're...entitled to think so, but I don't. Lynette: Look, Bree...I think I know a little more about marketing than you do. When I was in it, I owned this
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town. I had every big account. Hell, I was even named businesswoman of the year. Bree: Oh. Well, I'm familiar with that award. In fact, I'm this year's recipient. Lynette: Really? Bree: Yes. There's a luncheon on the 12th. I do hope you can make it. Oh. By the way, you're right about those colors. Very...jazzy. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house] Susan: Come on, M.J. Your daddy's waiting. M.J.: Mommy, I don't wanna fall. Susan: Oh, honey. You know how you like to push the button when we go on the elevator, and if somebody else pushes it first, it makes you sad? M.J.: But I don't wanna fall. Susan: Just listen. Daddy really wanted to be the one to teach you to ride your bike, and if you can already do it, it's gonna make him sad. So just let daddy push the button. Understand? M.J.: Oh, man. Mike: Wow, he's really picking it up fast. Susan: Yeah. I think it's just beginner's luck. Uh-huh. Mike: Are you sure he hasn't been practicing? Susan: No. He was absolutely waiting for you, you know, I think I'm gonna go check his helmet. Susan: What are you doing? We talked about this. You're supposed to be new at it. M.J.: I don't want to fall. I'm scared. Susan: Oh! Of what? You're 3 inches off the ground. You're completely padded. So just do what I say--Wobble, wobble. "Daddy, look at me!" crash. Susan: Boy...He was just telling me how glad he is to have his dad here. Mike: Really? 'cause I almost feel like he doesn't even need me. Susan: Oh, that's just silly. Susan: Whoops-a-daisy! Oh, it's a good thing your dad's here to teach you how to do it right. Mike: Oh, looking good, buddy, but remember, when you stop, you gotta put your foot down first. Okay? M.J.: Ow! Mike: Oh, what, does that hurt right there, buddy? Susan: Oh, he's fine. M.J.: No, mommy. It hurts. -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Mike: This is all my fault. Susan: Oh, will you stop? The doctor said it was just a sprain. Mike: I know, but still, I shouldn't have pushed it. Susan: You know, why look for blame? Kids fall. If you have to find fault, blame the pavement, not yourself...or me. M.J.: Mommy! Doctor: He should have his pitching arm back in no time. Mike: Oh, thank you. Dr Manning: But I did wanna ask--M.J. Said that he fell on purpose, something about you telling him to "let daddy push the elevator button"?
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Mike: You told him to fall? Susan: Remember, it's the pavement you're mad at. Mike: What the hell, Susan? Why would you do something like that? Susan: Jason taught him to ride the bike. Mike: Jackson. Dr Manning: Who's Jackson? M.J.: He does sleepovers with mommy. They drink lots of wine. Susan: Hey, doc. Uh, don't you hand out lollipops to brave little boys? Susan: I'm sorry. M.J. was excited about the bike, so Jackson took off the training wheels and taught him. He didn't know. Mike: He didn't know I'd wanna be the one to teach my own kid how to ride a bike? Susan: Okay, you know what? This is not Jackson's fault. You can't give a 5-year-old a bike and expect him to wait to ride it until you have time. (sigh) You know, this is what it means to be divorced. It means that sometimes you won't be there. Mike: I know. It's...just harder than I thought it would be. Susan: Well, it's hard for me, too. I miss things when he's with you. And I...am trying to come to terms with my guilt, because...I have to. So do you. There's nothing else you can do. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: Has Mike called? Edie: Hi, honey. You're home. Dave: Sorry, hon. So did he call? Edie: No. Hey, listen to this. Mrs. Hudson's putting her house up for sale. I think we should buy it. Dave: Why? Edie: As an investment. I-I mean, it's fantastic. My friend Mary Alice blew her brains out in this house, and All I'd have to do is let that slip, and we'd get it for a song. Dave: Yeah. I don't think so. Edie: Well, why not? We'll rent it out. We could make some serious money. Dave: Last thing I wanna be is a landlord, get a phone call every time a toilet overflows. Edie: That's why we hire a management company Dave: Damn it, Edie, I said no! Edie: Why are you yelling at me? Dave: I don't know. I'm sorry. I just got a lot on my mind. I'm sorry. -----------------------------------------------------------[Peggy's house] Gabrielle: Hi, Bethany. I'm here to pick up Juanita. Is she around? Boys have sperm. Gabrielle: Excuse me? Peggy: We need to talk. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Gabrielle: So apparently, after we had our little chat with Juanita, she went straight to Bethany and passed on the facts of life in excruciating detail. Carlos: Well, did you explain to Peggy why we had the little chat? Gabrielle: She didn't wanna hear it not with Bethany running around the house, screaming "intercourse!" at
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the top of her lungs. Carlos: So we're out of the playdate? Gabrielle: Oh, yeah. Way out. Carlos: Well, I guess it's back to the old schedule of ten minutes of grope 'n snore at midnight. Gabrielle: I'm not going back, Carlos. I can't. If Juanita doesn't get her playdate, you're not getting yours. Carlos: Fine. I will fix it. I just don't know why Peggy's making such a big deal out of this. Celia: Sperm! Gabrielle: Juanita! Stop talking to your sister! -----------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Bree: Orson, what are you doing in the guest bedroom? Orson: Oh, I couldn't sleep. You were snoring too loudly. Bree: Me? Snoring? Orson: Mm, like a donkey with a head cold. Bree: Honey, I don't snore. Orson: Oh, you can't always hear yourself. But I hear you...loud and clear. Bree: Oh, for heaven sakes, come back to bed. Orson: No. I'm good here. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's house] Dave: (on phone) Hey. Mike. Dave Williams. Look, hate to bother you, but I got a busted pipe outside the house. Probably some kids playing a prank. Mike: (on phone) No problem. I'm across town finishing up on another job. So depending on traffic, give me...Say an hour? Dave: (on phone) Oh, thanks. I really appreciate it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Peggy's house] Carlos: So when Juanita thought that I might be hurting her mother, we decided it was best that she knew the truth. Gabrielle: It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Peggy's husband: See, honey? I-I knew there had to be a rational explanation. Peggy: Well...I guess under the circumstances, you didn't have y other choice. Gabrielle: So...do you think there's any chance Juanita could rejoin your playdate? Carlos: We've talked to her. She will never discuss sex ever again. Gabrielle: Not if she wants to see her favorite dolly Alive. Carlos: Gaby, we don't need to let them know all of our parenting secrets. Peggy: I...think that'd be okay. I probably overreacted. Peggy's husband: We just wanna keep Bethany's innocence as long as we can. Gabrielle: Oh, we totally agree. Kids are forced to grow up way too fast these days. Carlos: No kidding. I want my girls to believe in Santa Claus as long as possible. They're gonna find out soon enough that it's all a lie. Bethany: What? There's no Santa Claus?! Gabrielle: So...next playdate's Monday at 1:00? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edie's house] Mike: Wow, whoever did this really went to town.
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Dave: Yeah, I know. Damn kids. By the way, did you put any more thought into joining the band? Mike: Oh, man. I'm sorry. I've been meaning to get back to you. I appreciate the offer, but I'm really stretched thin these days. Dave: Oh, come on. Every man's got time for a little music. Mike: Believe me, I'd love to play with you guys, but, uh, I live 30 minutes away--an hour in traffic. Whatever time I've got left's for my son. Dave: Yeah, I hear ya. Hey, you ever look into living a little closer by? Mike: With the rent prices in this neighborhood? I might play guitar like a rock star, but I don't earn like one. Dave: Yeah. Sorry. I wasn't thinking. Mike: Oh, it's all right. Uh, appreciate you trying to help. Dave: Believe me, I wish I could do more. -----------------------------------------------------------[Ceremony Hall] Susan: I've never seen Bree so happy. She's glowing. Lynette: She won't be glowing when that agency sinks her book. Katherine: Lynette... Lynette: I'm telling you, the only thing staler than that ad campaign is this dinner roll. Gabrielle: Yeah, and the water was as flat as the ad campaign. Your Martini was as dry as the ad campaign. Let it go. Bree: Hi, everybody! You having a good Time? All ladies: Hi! Gabrielle: Hey, beautiful! Bree: Um ,this is Lynette: Stu! Stu: Lynette Scavo. I thought that might be you. Lynette: Hey! Everyone, this is my old assistant, Stu, um... Stu: Durber. Lynette: Durber. Hey! Well, this was one great guy. He would schlep all the way across town just to get me my Chinese food. So...what are you up to? Bree: Actually, Stu's company is doing all my advertising. Lynette: Your company? You have a company? Stu: Three years now. Lynette: Huh. Stu: How about you? Are you still at, uh, Parcher & Murphy? Lynette: No, I... also went into business for myself. Gabrielle: Her place makes the best pizza in town. Stu: You own a pizzeria? Lynette: Well, it's really my husband's. And I'm still doing some freelance stuff. Stu: Well, that's great. You know, we're always working late. Lynette: Mm-hmm. Oh. Stu: Give me your card. We'll order from you some night. Lynette: Oh. Stu: You know, of course, we're across town, so it May be a bit of a schlep. Lynette: Oh! Stu: It was great catching up, Lynette. Lynette: Yeah.
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Stu: Bree, let me introduce you to some people. Lynette: Yeah, mm. Great. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] Dave: There's my beautiful wife. What are you up to? Edie: Why? Looking for a reason to scream at me? Dave: You're right. I was awful the other day. How about I make it up to you by buying you Mrs. Hudson's house? Edie: Seriously? Dave: Well, I thought about it, and I agree. It's a good investment opportunity. Edie: Oh! Thank you! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Thank you. Thank you. And I promise that we'll rent that place out for top dollar. Dave: Oh, I'm not worried about that. But first...I want to do someone a favor. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Orson: (on phone) Hi. Bree: (on phone) Where are you? It's after 2:00. Orson: (on phone) I'm getting ready for my job interview. Bree: (on phone) Oh, that's not until 4:00. Orson: (on phone) I'm reading the company's annual reports. I want to be prepared. Bree: (on phone) Oh, honey. Everybody's asking about you. I want you to be here. It's my big day. Orson: (on phone) Well...Enjoy it. You've earned it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Ceremony Hall] Lynette: You know what this tastes like? More. Katherine: It would seem somebody's taking their designated driver position...a little lightly. Lynette: Stu? Stu is doing Bree's ad campaign? I rode in his hatchback once. It smelled like mu shu. I gotta warn her. Gabrielle: Oh, wait! No, honey. Why don't you wait till after the ceremony? Susan: Yeah, just until you can blink both eyes at the same time. Lynette: Guys, I am just gonna offer her a little advice. Geesh. Lynette: Whoop. Still waiting. Stu: The great thing about the internet is that with a minimal investment, you actually can reach all your specific target audience Lynette: Coupons. Bree: Coupons? Lynette: Do a cross-promotion with some of the major food companies. Knock off 20% on some of the items featured in your recipes, then they do the same towards the purchase of your cookbook. Stu: Yeah, our research shows, you know, people aren't so hot on gimmicks Lynette: Zip it, Stewie. Bree: Would you excuse us, please? Bree: Lynette, you're drunk. Lynette: Yeah, that's immaterial. What do you think of the coupons?
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Bree: Lynette, I am really not able to deal with that right now. Lynette: Oh. I know. You've got your book and--and your big fancy award, and I'm just a housewife. Bree: I never said that. Lynette: You know, when I had a high-powered career, and you were just a housewife, I never looked down on you. Host: If you could all please take your seats, it's time to present our award. Bree: You need to leave now. Lynette: Fine. And don't worry. Even though I'd like to, I'm not gonna make some big, ugly scene. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Hi. Mike: Hey. I, um, I bought M.J. some stilts, thought I'd teach him how to use 'em. Susan: Har har. Uh, actually, he's at Juanita's watching a DVD. Do you want me to call him? Mike: No. No, it's cool. I just wanted to tell him about my new place. Susan: You're moving again? How far are you gonna be away now? The Hudson house? Mike: Yeah, she sold it. And Edie told me the new owner wants to rent it, so now I'll have a fighting chance of being around when M.J. hits his milestones. Is this okay with you? Susan: Yeah. It's great. Uh, we'll be like...one big, happy, divorced family. Mike: You sure? Susan: It's a little weird. I--I but, you know, M.J. will be thrilled, and...Yeah, I'm fine with it. Mike: Good. So, um...I'll see you around, neighbor. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies new house] Edie: I still think it's strange you won't let me tell Mike that we're the new owners. Dave: Well, the man's got a lot of pride. I want him to feel like I'm his neighbor, not his landlord. Edie: Landlord? Hell, with the rent we're charging him, you're his fairy godmother. Dave: All right, consider it an investment in good karma. Edie: Screw karma. I finally do something nice in this neighborhood, and I can't even brag about it? Dave: The man who is silent in his good deeds is the man who reaps the greatest reward. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] Lynette: Hey. Bree: Hi. Lynette: So...give me some guidance. Do I grovel, send flowers, or... Just move? Bree: I'm not angry with you. I'm just sorry that you felt so-Lynette: Drunk? Jealous? Bree: You have nothing to be jealous of. Lynette: Don't give me that. You are having the kind of success I only dreamed of back in my ad days. Bree: But that doesn't mean I look down on you. Lynette: No. But watching you, I look down on me. When I held your book in my hands, I felt so jealous my stomach hurt. And I thought, if I could just hitch a ride, have a piece of it, I wouldn't feel so bad about your success. Bree: For god sakes, Lynette, stop calling me a success. There's nothing successful about me. My friends think I'm gonna drop them, my partner resents me, and my husband...has moved into the guest bedroom. Everything I gain comes at some horrible price, and I'm starting to wonder if any of it's even worth it.
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Lynette: It is. You're at the start of an incredible journey, and I am going to be there every step of the way, cheering you on, telling anyone who will listen that the Bree Van de Kamp is my friend. Bree: Thanks. Lynette: And the rest of the stuff...you'll find a way to fix it. Just know that all your friends are very proud of you. Bitterly jealous, but proud. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover:If you look closely into the faces of those around you, you will catch a glimpse of a certain green-eyed monster. And then you'll see they envy your career...your love life...the Time you spend with their child...How do you deal with such jealousy? There are many ways. But the best...is to simply share what you have. [Brees house - kitchen] Orson: Thank you. Bree: Promise me you'll never leave our bed again. Orson: I promise...partner. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X05 Mirror, Mirror -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Bree: My name is Bree, and I am an alcoholic. Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree put her problem behind her. Orson: There's at least one employer who'd love to hire me. Bree: Who? Mary Alice Voiceover: Orson asked for a job. Orson: You. Mary Alice Voiceover: Dave lost his temper... Dave: Damn it, Edie! I said no! Mary Alice Voiceover:and aroused the suspicion... Mrs. McCluskey: This guy is up to something. Mary Alice Voiceover:of his neighbor. Edie: It was all Karen McCluskey's fault. She kept asking me all this stuff about your background. Dave: She reminds me of my grandmother when we first started to notice. Edie: The dementia, that is. You think Karen's going senile? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mary Alice Voiceover: It could have been such a lovely evening. You see, the idea was to have a surprise birthday party. People would bring food and gifts and wait in the dark for the guest of honor to arrive. But it turned out to be a night full of surprises--the kind most people don't care for. Tom: Damn it, Lynette. Why do you have to be such a buzz kill? Why can't you, just once, give me a little support? Lynette: Fine. (scoffs) I'll get you a towel.
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Tom: For what? Jackson: If I was with another woman, that wouldn't bother you? Susan: No, it wouldn't. Carlos: I'm sorry that I lied, and for what it's worth, the guilt has been tearing me apart. Gabrielle: Get your hands off me, you selfish son of a bitch! (thud) Bree: Orson, please. you're putting me in an impossible position. Orson: Then let me make it simpler for you. I want a divorce. Mary Alice Voiceover: Oh, yes, it could have been such a lovely evening, but this was one party that was over...before it even began. All: Surprise! Mrs. McCluskey: You think you can screw with me? -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Moments before she was to leave for the party, Gabrielle Solis was at her mirror, halfheartedly putting the final touches on her lips. You see, a problem had come to her attention... [Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: (whispers) Damn. Mary Alice Voiceover:One she couldn't gloss over. Juanita: Mommy, what are you doing? Gabrielle: Uh, well, mommy has a friend who visits her every month, and she's late, and that's bad. Juanita: Why? Gabrielle: Because she's the one who assures me that you won't get a baby brother or sister. Juanita: But I want a little brother. Gabrielle: I don't care. (sighs) Oh, sorry. It's just...mommy really misses her friend, and mommy's gonna be really sad if her friend doesn't show up soon. Now go downstairs and play. Mommy has some praying to do. [Flashback - hospital] Dr. Wagner: Well, I have your test results. Congratulations. You're pregnant. Mrs. Solis. Gabrielle: I don't care. You told me this couldn't happen. You said it was impossible! Dr. Wagner: The human reproductive system is complicated and often unpredictable. Sometimes miracles happen. Gabrielle: This isn't a miracle. This is a disaster. My husband's blind. Neither one of us have jobs. My husband's blind. Dr. Wagner: Trust me. Children are a blessing. You'll see. It'll all work out. Gabrielle: Well, I hope to god you're right. And what does this number mean anyway? Dr. Wagner: That's your beta number, and it's high, which indicates the possibility of twins. [Flashback - Gabrielles house] Carlos: Gaby, relax. this baby is gonna be the best thing that ever happened to us. Gabrielle: I am so sick of everybody looking at the glass half-full. The glass is empty, people, and so is our bank account. Carlos: Is that what you're worried about--money? Look, I'll get a job.
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Gabrielle: What are you gonna do, take up piano and get a contract with Motown? Carlos: Actually, I was thinking about becoming a masseur. You don't need your eyes for that. It's all about the touch. Gabrielle: Well, I guess that's not the worst idea you've ever had. But it's not just about the money, Carlos. It's... (sighs) Oh, after my miscarriage, I gave up on this dream. I just figured god decided I couldn't possibly be a good mom, so he didn't make it happen. Carlos: Well, he obviously changed his mind. Gabrielle: Well, I wish he'd stop doing that. Nobody likes a fickle god. Carlos: Babe, believe me. You getting pregnant is--is--is a one-in-a-million shot. It's a miracle. Now let's embrace it and celebrate. [Flashback - hospital] Dr. Wagner: Hello, Mrs. Solis. I have your test results. Gabrielle: Great. so do I have anemia? Is that why I've been so tired? Dr. Wagner: No. not exactly. And please don't slap me. [Flashback - Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: I'm pregnant! Carlos: Oh, my god. It's another miracle. Gabrielle: Yeah, we're up to two miracles, and if you come back from the dead after I kill you, it'll be three. Carlos: (laughs) W-why you mad at me? Gabrielle: "Oh, Gaby, why do I need to wear a condom? There's no way lightning's gonna strike twice." Carlos: Well, I didn't think it would. Gabrielle: Put the baby down, Carlos. Carlos: I don't want to. Gabrielle: Do it. I need to hit something, and it needs to be you. Carlos: You are looking at this all wrong. This is one-in-a-million. We should--we should celebrate and embrace-Gabrielle: Oh, cram it, you fertile freak. You're getting a vasectomy. Carlos: I can't do that. We're catholic. It's against our religion. Gabrielle: I got news for you. We just converted to Judaism. Problem solved. Mazel tov! Carlos: Gaby, it's not just that. There are other reasons Gabrielle: I am done fighting off your bionic sperm. You're getting snipped, and that's final. [Present outside Susans house] Carlos: You're awfully quiet tonight. Gabrielle: Got a lot on my mind. I think I'm pregnant. Carlos: What? Gabrielle: I know. It's crazy. You had a vasectomy. It's impossible. Carlos: Yeah. So what makes you think you're pregnant? Gabrielle: My period's late, and that never happens to me. I'm like a Swiss clock. Carlos: Oh, come on. There could be a lot of reasons for that. So let's not worry about it right now. We're going to a party. You gotta lighten up. Gabrielle: Okay. But I'm gonna talk to Bob. Carlos: Bob? Why? Gabrielle: Because he and Lee are here. Bob's an attorney. I'm gonna get him to sue the quack who
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obviously botched your vasectomy. Carlos: Oh, Gaby, let's not go there. Hiring an attorney's expensive, and I don't know that we can prove anything. Gabrielle: Well, I'm gonna find out. Carlos: Fine. But...let's not talk to Bob. I don't want our neighbors involved in our business. Gabrielle: (Rings doorbell) Oh, don't worry. He's a professional. He'll keep it confidential. Carlos: Gaby, no. You can't talk to him. Gabrielle: Why the hell not? Carlos: I never got a vasectomy. Susan: Hi, guys. Welcome to the party. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mary Alice Voiceover: Earlier that evening, as she waited for her guests to arrive, Susan Mayer took a moment to do her eyebrows. She had no way of knowing just how high those eyebrows... Jackson: Sorry I'm late. Mary Alice Voiceover:would soon be raised. Susan: What took you so long? People are gonna be here any minute. I need you to pour the cheap vodka into the expensive bottles. Jackson: I couldn't find my pants. I'm here so much that when I go back to my place, I can't remember where anything is. Susan: Well, just please change your shirt. Jackson: You know, I've been thinking that I spend so much time with you now anyway that-Susan: Fine. You can have a little space in the closet. I think I've got some clothes from the '80s I'm ready to part with. Jackson: Actually, I'm talking about moving in. Susan: Moving in? Here? Jackson: Yeah. That's where we're headed. We should take the plunge. What do you think? [Flashback - Susans house] Susan: So obviously, this is the bedroom. Jackson: Right. So do you want to stick with this color or switch it up or what? Susan: I don't know. Um...I'm sort of going through a difficult transition in my life right now. I need a change. Uh, I was thinking....taupe. Jackson: Sounds good. You know, I like this place. It's got a good vibe. Susan: Uh, thanks. Jackson: And a nice scent. What is that, your perfume? Susan: Get out. (sighs) Jackson: Excuse me? Susan: I was not born yesterday, pal. You're coming on to me. Jackson: No, I'm not. Susan: Oh, please. Telling me I smell good? (sniffs) I'm not even wearing deodorant. Jackson: I said the house smells good. Susan: Semantics. And then the not so subtle sit-on-the-bed maneuver? You know, why not just ask for a massage? Jackson: I sat because my feet hurt from you dragging me around for an hour, telling me you want to paint every room taupe.
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Susan: You said you liked it. Jackson: Look, you're obviously going through a rough patch. I was afraid if I suggested anything outside the beige family, I might send you over the edge. I'll let myself out. Susan: No. No, don't go. That was very sweet of you to consider my feelings. You know what? You're hired. Jackson: Uh, thanks...I think. [Flashback - Law office] Mr. Franklin: So do you need to look these over one more time? Okay, then just sign them, and you'll be officially divorced. Susan: You know what? We need a minute. Mr. Franklin: Take your time. (Door opens) Susan: Are we doing the right thing here? Mike: You're kidding me, right? Susan: Once we sign these papers, there's no going back. Mike: I can't believe this. You were the one who called the lawyer. Susan: I know. I'm thinking...that maybe that was a mistake. Mike: We've been separated for a year. All we're doing today is making it official. Susan: We wouldn't be here if it weren't for that accident. You know that. Before that, we were good. (sighs) We could get back there. Mike: Susan...It's nobody's fault, but I can't do this anymore. Susan: Oh, come on! We were Mike and Susan, remember? You only get one of those in a lifetime. We could make things right again. Mike: Yeah. And here's how. (Door closes) [Flashback - Susans house] Jackson: Hey. You're back. So what do you think? Susan: Uh... it--it looks good. Jackson: Yeah, I-I-I think you were right to stick with this color. It looks fantastic. Susan: Thanks. Do you like scotch? [Bedroom] Jackson: Okay...I need to be honest about something. Susan: H-honest? Okay. Jackson: I don't usually do this kind of thing, hook up like this, out of the blue. Not that it wasn't great, 'cause it was, but I'm not really looking to start anything. Work is crazy, and I just got a dog, and...I'm just not in that place right now. Susan: So just to be clear, you're saying you don't want a relationship? Jackson: Sorry. I probably should have said that right up front. Susan: No, uh... (scoffs) It's fantastic. Jackson: Really? Susan: I don't want a relationship either. All I want from you is exactly what we just did. Except next time, it's Susan. Jackson: Yeah. "Mrs. Mayer" was probably a little formal for the moment. (Susan laughs) Jackson: So there's gonna be a next time?
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Susan: Unless you're not interested. Jackson: Are you kidding? I'm this close to doing a victory lap around the bed. So you're really fine with this, just a purely physical thing? Susan: I gave romance a shot and...I'm ready for something a little more casual. Jackson: Wow. I've heard of women like you, but... (laughs) I thought you were an urban myth. [Present Susans house] Jackson: Did you hear what I said? Susan: Uh, yeah. You want to move in. Jackson: I-it's just that when I'm not with you, I'm waiting to be with you. I've never felt like this before. So... what do you think? Do you want to live together? Susan: Umno. Jackson: So that's it? Just no? You're not gonna give me a reason? Susan: What's wrong with the way things are? Why change everything now? Jackson: Because...I've fallen in love with you. Susan: Hi, guys. Welcome to the party. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Mary Alice Voiceover: The last thing Lynette Scavo did before a party was to check for gray hairs. Lynette: Penny! Let's go! Time for bath! Mary Alice Voiceover: She had no way of knowing before this evening was over, she would have a few more. Lynette: (Knocks on window) Penny! [Outside] Lynette: Oh. Penny. If you're thinking of taking that for a spin, I've got bad news. You're 9. Hey, what's the matter, sweetie? Is daddy dying? Lynette: What? Of course not. Why would you say something like that? I heard Porter and Preston fighting about who's gonna get daddy's car when he dies. Lynette: Oh. They're just being silly. They're always silly. That's why we won't be sad when they move out of the house. Come on. But everybody dies someday, right? Lynette: Yes, but daddy's gonna live to a ripe old age unless he doesn't get home in time for Mrs. McCluskey's party, and then all bets are off. Oh, daddy's gonna be fine. Come on. [Flashback Hospital] Lynette: Hi. My husband--I'm Lynette Scavo. Dr. Baron called me-Dr. Baron: I'm Dr. Baron. Lynette: Oh. Hi. What happened? Dr. Baron: Your husband was working on an electrical panel at his restaurant... Lynette: Uh-huh. Dr. Baron: And received a massive shock. Essentially, his heart stopped pumping. Lynette: (voice breaks) Oh. Is he... Dr. Baron: Fortunately, there was a policeman eating in the restaurant. He administered C.P.R. until the ambulance got there. Lynette: So he's okay? Dr. Baron: His heart restarted. Now it's a matter of determining if there's any tissue damage. We're optimistic,
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but the next 36 hours are critical. [Ward] Lynette: Hey. Tom: Hey. Lynette: (clears throat) So I'm thinking no more electrical work, okay? Tom: (sighs) Lynette: The kids know everything's fine. They send their love. Don't worry about anything, okay? Just rest. I'll come back soon, okay? Tom: You know what I thought? When I was lying there on the floor, I thought, I'm gonna die in a pizza place. I mean, my whole life was gonna be summed up with this obituary headline--"Local pizza shop owner dies." Lynette: But it doesn't matter because you're not dying. Tom: I need more, Lynette. I need--th-there's gotta be more. Lynette: Okay. Okay. We'll find more. Just rest now, okay? [Flashback outside Lynettes house] (Horn honks) Tom: Hey, sexy. Drop the rake and get in. Lynette: What the hell is this? Tom: This is the car that I have wanted my whole life. When I was 12 years old, I had a poster of this baby up on my wall. Lynette: And when I was 12, I had a poster of Shaun Cassidy, but you don't see me driving around in him, do you? Tom: I want to show you something. Lynette: What, do machine guns come out of the headlights? (chuckles) Tom: I carry this around to remind me of the day that I almost died. That day you promised me that we would find more. I'm keeping the car. So do you want a ride? [Present outside Lynettes house] Lynette: Where have you been? So help me, if McCluskey gets there before us, I will brain you. Tom: Sorry. Let's go. Lynette: Well, sheesh. Oh. Sweetie, we already got Karen a candle. An R.V. might be overkill. Tom: Yeah, but that's not for her. That's for us. I'm about to blow your mind, Lynette. Lynette: (chuckles) Oh, don't. I like my mind the way it is. Tom: What would you say to the idea of taking the kids out of school for a year and bopping around the country in one of these sweet rides? Lynette: Well, I might not say anything. I might just put my finger to my ear and twirl it in small circles. We can't do something like that, Tom. Tom: Yes, we can. We can do whatever we want. Life is short. Lynette: Okay, let me ask you one tiny question about this big adventure plan of yours who's gonna be running our restaurant while we're off doing the electric kool-aid acid test? Tom: That won't be our problem. The last few weeks, I've been talking to a guy from Passentino's pizza. They want to buy us out. Lynette: (scoffs) Tom: This afternoon, I said yes. Hey, guys. You ready to party? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house]
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Moments before she was due at her friend's party, Bree Hodge was at the mirror, applying her eyeliner. Bree: Aren't you dapper? Orson: When I tell everyone I'm your new partner, I want to look the part. Mary Alice Voiceover: It would not be the last time that evening Bree would find herself... Bree: Um, actually, dear... Mary Alice Voiceover:drawing a line. Bree: I'd rather you not talk about the job tonight. Orson: But, Bree, this is the first party in months when I can answer the question, "What's new?" without mumbling into my drink. Bree: Well, it's just vulgar to discuss business at a party. Orson: Mm. You haven't told Katherine yet, have you? Bree: It's not that easy. You know she'll be furious. Orson: Yes, but the great thing about Katherine is she'll express it so passive-aggressively, we'll hardly notice. Look, I know she's your friend, but she's also our employee. Why is this so difficult for you? Bree: It's... complicated. [Flashback Brees house] Orson: Well... another dead soldier. Bree: Careful, dear. You don't want to be ill tomorrow. Orson: Yes. Nothing like a headache to spoil a perfectly nice first day in prison. Bree: Uh, would anybody like some more frittata? Orson: Is my wife amazing or what? I mean, how many inmates get sent off with a festive champag brunch? Andrew: Uh, w-when you're in jail, you might want to avoid words like "festive" and "brunch." They kind of say, "Hi. I'm husband hunting." Bree: Andrew, please. Orson: It's fine. This is my last taste of freedom for three years. I want jokes. I want fun, laughter. Lee: Anyway, prison won't be such a big change. You're a dentist. You're used to cavity searches. Bob: You vowed to me that you wouldn't say that. Orson: (chuckles) Katherine: Bree tells me that you're going to make very good use of your time away. Orson: Mm. Bree: Uh, yes. He's going to read a lot of classic books, maybe study a language. Katherine: Oh. Andrew: Yes, uh, he can learn the Italian for, "I cost five cigarettes." Lee and Bob: (laughs) Bree: Andrew, really. Orson: Bree, he's joking. Everything's fine...except my glass, which seems to be empty. [Flashback Brees house - bedroom] Katherine: Bree? Bree? Oh, for god sake. Get up. We have the garden club lunch in...You've been drinking? Bree: Go away. I don't feel well. Katherine: We have a lunch to cater. Bree: I'm too tired. Can you do it? Katherine: Get up.
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Katherine: When did this start? Bree: When Orson left, I...began having a glass of white wine now and then. Then when Danielle took Benjamin, I didn't see any reason to stop at just one. Katherine: So is this why you missed the lunch last week and the Braverman bar mitzvah? Bree: I can't help myself, all right? My husband's gone. My son's gone. I have nothing left. Katherine: No, actually, you have a lunch for 40 in 3 hours, and I'm not letting you out of it. Bree: Oh, Katherine, please. Katherine: Okay, so you have a void in your life. Welcome to the club. Don't fill it with wine. Fill it with work, with accomplishments. Just think about the woman you could be by the time Orson gets back. Or is this the woman you want him to come home to? Bree: He's gonna be so ashamed of me. Katherine: No, he won't...because you're not gonna tell him. You know he'd just blame himself. Bree: I don't know if I can make it this time. Katherine: Yes, you will, because I am moving in. Bree: You would do that? Katherine: When I had nothing, you made me your partner. I'm not gonna forget that. I am gonna get you through this. And when we're done, that scary woman over there--she's never gonna be seen in this house again. [Present outside Brees house] Orson: When you think about it, tonight is the ideal time for you to tell Katherine. The presence of the other guests will keep her from causing a scene, and as word spreads that we're partners Bree: And how is word going to spread? Orson: I'll be spreading it. People will be congratulating me, and Katherine will have to join in and risk looking petty. Bree: And she'll be twice as mad at having been put in that position. I am not telling her tonight. Orson: Fine. Then I will. Bree: No, you will not. I forbid it. Orson: You know, for a partner, you're sounding a lot like a boss. I am telling her. Bree: Look, if we can't agree on something this basic, maybe we shouldn't work together. Orson: What are you saying? Bree: I'm saying, maybe you should reconsider joining the company. Orson: I have no intention of reconsidering. Bree: Fine. You're fired. Tom: Hey, guys. You ready to party? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mary Alice Voiceover: The party was in full swing, and everyone was waiting to surprise the guest of honor. Little did they know, an even bigger surprise was on its way. Dave: Sorry I'm late. There was a line at the bakery. Susan: Well, you really went all out. Dave: Yeah, she deserves it. [Flashback outside Mrs. McCluskeys house] Dave: Can I help you, Mrs. McCluskey?
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Mrs. McCluskey: This letter for Edie came to my house by mistake. I'm making sure that none of my stuff, uh, came here. Well, it's all yours. [Edies house] Edie: Hey. Anything interesting? Dave: Fortunately, no. I just saw your friend Karen outside. Is she still asking you questions about me? Edie: A few, but don't take it personally. Prying is what people too old to have sex do to keep life interesting. She's turning 70 next week. Dave: No kidding. Hey, we should throw her a party. Edie: I'm already taking her out for a drink. That's plenty. Dave: She'll be 70, sweetheart. Don't you think that calls for something bigger? Edie: Look, Karen's a friend, but I don't like having her in my house. It would be one thing if we had a bathroom with a window you could open, but... Dave: Well, couldn't you ask someone else to host it? Edie: Well, I suppose I could palm it off to Mayer. Dave: Good. Tell her we'll supply the food and liquor. Edie: You know, Karen's not a fan of yours. Why do you want to throw her a party? Dave: It's a big day for her. I just want to make sure it's special. [Flashback Edies house] Edie: So...what do you think? Dave: I think that is one hell of an outfit to wear to a 70th birthday party. Edie: It's my gift to Karen. I figure she'll get at least five good boob jokes out of it. Dave: Well, she'll be here soon, so let's go over this one more time. Edie: Okay. I take her home, then I come up with some excuse to get her over to Susan's, where everyone jumps out and yells, "Surprise!" which I still say isn't the smartest thing to do to a 70-year-old. (Knocks on door) Dave: Mrs. McCluskey. Happy birthday. Mrs. McCluskey: Jeez, Edie, are we going for drinks or mammograms? Edie: That's one. Oh, let me grab my earrings, and we're good to go. Dave: So...70. It's quite a milestone. How's it feel? Mrs. McCluskey: No big whoop. Dave: Edie told me that she takes you out for a birthday drink every year. I think that's a great tradition. Look, I'm just trying to be friends here. Edie: All righty then. I'll see you later. Come on. Let's go. Mrs. McCluskey: I've got enough friends. [Present Susans house] Susan: Where's Karen? Edie: She'll be here as soon as she gives her cat some medicine. Susan: Do I you think she'll be surprised? Dave: Oh, absolutely. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys house] Mrs. McCluskey: What the...Dave. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Susans house] Lynette: Just so I'm clear, you want us to sell our thriving business so we can live in a bus, like carnies? Tom: Come on. This is cool. We can go wherever we want. The--the kids could see America. Lynette: And when we start stealing to support ourselves, The kids can see the inside of a prison. You're right, Tom. It's a brilliant idea. Tom: Damn it, Lynette. Why do you have to be such a buzz kill? Why can't you, just once, give me a little support? Lynette: Fine. I'll get you a towel. Tom: For what? Orson: Bree, you cant fire me. Not after all the sacrifices I made for you. Bree: Orson, stop throwing jail in my face. You cellmate was a crooked C.P.A., who helped you form a bridge club. It wasn't exactly Attica. Orson: Bree, I need this job. Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up every morning and have no reason to get out of bed? To smile and nod at neighbors who know your wife's supporting you because no one will hire a felon? I am drowning, and for you to throw me a lifeline and then snatch it away Bree: Orson, I should have never offered you that job. It wasn't fair to Katherine. Orson: I am your husband. Why are you putting Katherine's feelings ahead of mine? Bree: Orson, please. You're putting me in an impossible position. Orson: Then let me make it simpler for you. I want a divorce. Katherine: Hi. Gabrielle: Katherine, great dress. You're gonna turn some heads with that one. I hope you're enjoying this party, Carlos, because you're not gonna live to see another one. Carlos: Look, I'm sorry that I lied, and for what it's worth, the guilt has been tearing me apart. Gabrielle: You know what's gonna tear me apart? Another 10-pound baby shooting out my hoo-ha. Carlos: Honey, look at it this way, god blessed us again. Because you are such a great mom. Gabrielle: Get your hands off me, you selfish son of a bitch. Jackson: I told you I love you. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Susan: It means that someone forgot that we had an agreement to keep things casual. Jackson: Wow. Okay. So if we're not in a relationship, if I was with another woman, that wouldn't bother you? Susan: No, it wouldn't. Edie: Quiet, everyone. She's coming. Move it. All: Surprise! Mrs. McCluskey: You think you can screw with me? Dave: What do you mean? Edie: Karen, what the hell are you doing? Mrs. McCluskey: Ask that husband of yours! Edie: No! Jackson: Let's not be doing that. Mrs. McCluskey: No, that man broke into my house tonight! Susan: What? Mrs. McCluskey: Yes, and he-- and he moved things around, and he--and he took a picture off the wall, and
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then he put the table next to the couch, and the dish for the keys-- it's always by the...It's always by the door. And that's not the first time he's broken in either. He stole my cat, and then he put him back. Dave: Okay, Mrs. McCluskey, why would I do those things? Edie: Karen, I hate to say it, but you're not making a lot of sense right now. Maybe you need to lie down. Mrs. McCluskey: You... Katherine: I think we should call 9-1-1. Mrs. McCluskey: Let go of me! Why are you all acting like I'm crazy? Gabrielle: Whoo-hoo! Halle-damn-lujah, I got my period! Oh, was she surprised? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside housewives house] Dave: She seemed totally disoriented, babbling. I just hope it isn't dementia. She lives by herself. EMT: We'll alert the hospital. We're gonna need a psych evaluation. Dave: Thank you. Thank you. Susan: Poor Karen. I hope she's okay. Jackson: Yeah, me, too. Susan: We should probably talk now, huh? Jackson: Yeah. Let's talk. Does this relationship have a future? Susan: Jackson, what we have here has been working pretty well. Jackson: Answer the question. Susan: Can't we just keep going the way we are? Jackson: And there's my answer. Orson: It seems like they're taking good care of her. Bree: I hope you didn't mean what you said earlier. You just don't understand what I owe to Katherine. Orson: You're right. I don't. You started the company and gave her a job when she needed one badly. Why are you the one who owes her? Bree: You know that...brunch we had for you right before you left for prison? I was very tense, and I was very unhappy. So I had...a glass of champagne. Tom: She's tough. I'm sure she'll be okay. Lynette: How about the crazy married couple throwing drinks? How are they gonna be? Tom: You know, I just thought that you got it, that you knew what I was going through after accident. You know, obviously I was wrong. Lynette: No, I get it. The sports car, the garage band...Maybe what we need now, Tom, is for you to get it. Tom: Hey, I was the one laying on the floor with a cop pounding on my chest. Lynette: And I had cancer. I get it. I get it. You want your life to count for something. Tom: Exactly. I just don't want to keep making pizzas every day till I drop to the floor for real. I want my life to be exciting. You know, I need adventure. Lynette: Scavo's was the adventure. We changed our whole lives so you could live out your dream, and now you're bored. We can't keep doing this, Tom. We can't keep throwing all the cards up in the air every time you get a little restless. Let's call it a night. We have to work tomorrow. Are you coming? Tom: I'll come when I'm ready.
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Carlos: Did she really need an ambulance? Gabrielle: I don't know. But you would have if I hadn't started my period. How could you have done this? Carlos: Isn't it obvious? I want another kid. Gabrielle: We can't handle another kid. We're living hand to mouth as it is. Carlos: That's what you said before we had Juanita and before we had Celia, and somehow we manage. And can you imagine our lives without them? Gabrielle: Of course I can't. It's just...How could you have lied to me? Carlos: I just couldn't shake the idea that maybe god had one more miracle in store for us. Maybe a son. And we have so much love in our lives, I got greedy, and I wanted more. But you're right. It was selfish and stupid, and I am so sorry. I will call tomorrow and schedule a vasectomy. Gabrielle: Or...we use birth control, and I'm talking double-bagging, At least until we both decide it's a good idea. Carlos: Wow. I think I gotta kiss you. Gabrielle: And until we get a box of condoms in that house, that's all you're gettin'. Katherine: Orson. What's up? Orson: Bree told me what you did for her when I was in prison. I just want to thank you. Katherine: It's nothing. Orson: Not to Bree or me. And you were dead right to stop her from telling me. I'd consider it an honor to work for somebody that wise. Katherine: Work for? The last I heard, it was partner. Orson: All right, how's this? I'll become a partner...but only after you decide I've earned it. I'm a patient man. I don't care if it takes two years. Katherine: Oh, honey...Working for Bree--you're not gonna last ten months. Dave: Mind if I say good-bye to our girl? EMT: Sure, but she's a little groggy. Mrs. McCluskey: You planned the whole thing. You're trying to get rid of me. Dave: Yes. And I'm sorry it had to be you. Mrs. McCluskey: 'Cause I know you're up to something-- something awful. Dave: You don't know what "awful" is. You take care of yourself, Karen, and I mean that. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, it was a night filled with surprises. Some had learned of their husband's plans for the future...Others had discovered the truth of their wife's past...Some were touched by their husband's secret longings...Others were hurt by their lover's quick departure. But for one resident, the evening had gone as planned, and he now turned his thoughts to his real agenda. It wouldn't be long now before he destroyed the man who had ruined his life, but he knew he had to move carefully. After all, he wanted it to be a surprise. ~The End~
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Susan: We had an agreement to keep things casual. Mary Alice Voiceover: Susan made her feelings clear. Jackson: So if I was with another woman, that wouldn't bother you? Susan: No, it wouldn't. Bree: You work here? Orson: I'm great with food. I understand business. Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree made Orson a partner. Dave: Is she still asking you questions about me? Edie: A few. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Dave took steps to get Karen McCluskey out of the way. Karen McCluskey: You think you can screw with me? Edie: Karen! Jackson: Karen! Stop doing that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Country Club] Mary Alice Voiceover: As a masseur for the Fairview country club, Carlos Solis had become an expert on how to make women happy. That's why he always had scented candles waiting for Sue Bridges...New Age music for Betsy Daniel...and apple schnapps for Shannon Glenn. Yes, Carlos had made a lot of women happy over the years. But on one very unusual Wednesday afternoon...He made Mrs. Virginia Hildebrand a little happier...than he intended. Clay: Helen said your last reservation just canceled. Do you want a ride home? Carlos: Thanks, Clay. That'd be great. Um...can I ask you something? How long you been a masseur? Clay: 14 years. Carlos: Okay. And in all those years...have you ever accidentally given a woman...an orgasm? Clay: An orgasm?! Carlos: Keep your voice down. You want to get me fired? Clay: How do you accidentally give a woman an orgasm? Carlos: I don't know. Clay: I can barely give my girlfriend one, and I try really hard. Carlos: All I did was touch her back. Clay: Are you sure? Some of these old broads-- their bodies drop. Not everything's where it's supposed to be. Carlos: I may be blind, but my sense of touch is just fine. Clay: Well, then maybe she just really liked the massage. You wouldn't believe the moaners I get on my table. Carlos: I'm telling you, her body was quivering and she could barely breathe. Clay: All right, well, there's one sure-find a way to find out. Where's your tip envelope? Carlos: On the counter. How much she leave me? Clay: Enough for two orgasms. [Gabrielles house] Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes...Carlos Solis was an expert on how to make women happy. Gabrielle: I'm about to go get groceries. Where are your tips? Oh, my god! How did you get so much? Mary Alice Voiceover: And he knew the best way to keep his wife happy... Carlos: Just...good at my job. Mary Alice Voiceover:was to lie. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits]
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-----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There are dangerous women in this world--devious predators waiting to strike. You can spot them by the lipstick they use, the shoes they wear and the perfume they choose. But the easiest way to spot a dangerous woman is to see how she behaves... [Street corner] Anne: I am about to make you so happy. Mary Alice Voiceover:with another woman's husband. Lynette: (on phone) Amy, don't worry about the lunch specials. I am only two blocks away. I'll take care of it once I...Actually, you do them. I'm gonna be a while. Tom? Tom? Tom: H--Lynette, hey. What--what are you doing here? Lynette: So funny. I was gonna ask you the same question. But I was gonna start with "What the hell?" Tom: You remember Anne, right? Anne Schilling. Anne: Kirby's mom. We were room parents together in the third grade. Lynette: Right. So...what the hell? Anne: Tom, why don't we just show her? [Rehearsal space] Tom: It's for my band. Anne has been helping us find a rehearsal space. Lynette: That's right. You're a realtor. Tom: Now I know what you're thinking. It seems like a waste of money. Anne: But I just got them to reduce the rent and throw in the utilities. Tom: And you're always complaining about the noise when we practice in the garage, so, you know...what do you think? Lynette: I thinkit's great. Tom: You do? Anne: Wonderful. Listen, I have to be somewhere by 10:00, so why don't we sign a lease right now? Tom: Wow! I-I was convinced that you would think it was a dumb idea. Lynette: Well...It's a little dumb, but compared to what I was thinking... Anne: What were you thinking? Lynette: Well, it's just...I saw you two together, and I...I didn't know that you were... And she looks so...For god sakes, Tom, the woman has to be somewhere. Just sign the damn lease. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: So out of nowhere, Jackson says, "Let's move in together." I-I mean, of course I was stunned. And then when I said no, he just broke up with me. I mean, does he really expect me to be in love after just five months? That's crazy. Frank: Yeah, I guess, although his work on these moldings is amazing. You really want me to repaint these, Suzanne? Susan: It's Susan. And he was the first one to say he didn't want to get serious, which is why I was happy. We were just having fun. Frank: Well, maybe you should call him. How do you like this color? Susan: Not so much. Frank, how can I call him? He's the one that ended it with me. Frank: Look, the guy makes you happy. He says he loves you. You gonna let pride stop you from finding out where this thing could go? Come on. Don't be stupid. Susan: How much am I paying you? Frank: $14 an hour. Susan: That's not enough.
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Frank: No, ma'am, it's not. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Carlos, what are you doing home? Carlos: Uh, Virginia insisted on giving me a ride. Virginia: You must be Gabrielle. Carlos has told me so much about you. I'm Virginia Hildebrand. Gabrielle: Oh! You are the Mrs. Hildebrand. Well, you're Carlos' favorite client. Well, mine, anyway. I bought this top with that crazy tip you gave him. Virginia: Your Carlos has helped my back problems like no masseur I have ever had. I'm pain-free for the first time in years. Gabrielle: Oh, that's Carlos for you. Mr. Magic hands. He hits the OL' sweet spot every time. Carlos: Okay, Gaby. Virginia: I should go now, but promise you'll at least consider my little proposal. Gabrielle: What proposal? Virginia: I hate to stop when we're making so much progress, but I need to go to Europe for two months, mostly London and Rome. I'd be so grateful if Carlos were to accompany me as my personal masseur. Gabrielle: Two whole months? Carlos: See? I told you. It's too long, and Gaby has the girls and-Virginia: I know it's a lot to ask, which is why I'm offering Carlos $50,000. Gabrielle: $50,000? Virginia: Per month. Gabrielle: Well, pip-pip and arrivederci! Carlos: Gaby. Virginia: I'll leave you two to discuss it. Gabrielle: Well, uh, what's to discuss? For that kind of money, you can lock him in a cage and feed him peanuts. Virginia: I'll see you tomorrow, Carlos. Lovely meeting you, Gaby. Gabrielle: Carlos, don't even think about saying no to this! Carlos: She is not my only client. I'll be letting down the rest if I go. Mr. Banks could even fire me. Gabrielle: Oh, don't worry about Mr. Banks. I'll take care of him. Carlos: Gaby! Gabrielle: And so what if he fires you? Once Virginia tells all of her rich lady friends about what you did for her, they'll be lining up around the block. Carlos: Great. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Hey, great news. I just got a call from my old friend, Peter Hickey. Bree: I don't recall ever hearing that name before. Orson: He's a friend from college. Anyway, he mentioned that his parents' 50th anniversary was next month, and I convinced him to let us cater it. Dinner for 80. Bree: 80?! Orson: He shoots, he scores! Bree: Orson! You are amazing! One week on the job, and he's already bringing in huge accounts. Katherine: That's great. Well, better go marinate those scallops for the lunch tomorrow. Orson: Oh, scallops? Done.
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Katherine: Done? Orson: Mm. Oh, I also made the pesto mayonnaise, and I put the individual cobblers in their ramekins. Bree: Oh. Well, it looks like we're all set until the morning then. Hey, why don't you, uh, take the afternoon off? Katherine: And do what? Bree: I don't know--read, relax, give yourself a pedicure. Katherine: Fine. What do you bet I take my socks off and see Orson's already done it for me? Bree: What are you doing? Katherine: Refrigerator needs cleaning. Bree: No, it doesn't. And besides, I gave you the day off. Now go home. Katherine: I'm thinking about moving to Maryland. Bree: Maryland? Katherine: Mm-hmm. Dylan's there with her husband, and the baby's coming soon. Maybe it's time for me to go inflict myself on them. Bree: You can't just up and move. You have a life here. Katherine: No, I don't. I have a job--period. No kids to raise, no husband, no boyfriend. Might as well throw in the towel and... go be a grandma. Bree: Katherine, you are a vibrant, attractive woman. You-Katherine: Who hasn't had sex in two years. That spells "grandma" to me. I haven't made up my mind yet. Just let me think about it. And help keep me busy. Bree: When you're done with that, the oven could use a really good scrubbing. Katherine: Bless you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital - ward] Edie: Karen? Karen McCluskey: Oh. Those must've set you back a chunk. Edie: Yes, they did...Not that you deserve them. Karen McCluskey: I don't blame you for being mad. Edie: I'm not mad. I'm furious. Now what the hell were you thinking, coming at my husband with a baseball bat? Karen McCluskey: I know. I'm really sorry, Edie. The doctor had me on these new meds, and it made me loopy. I thought Dave was messing with my head, and all the time, it was the damn pills. Edie: Well, I hope you stopped taking them. Karen McCluskey: You bet. I had to get my marbles back. Uh, look, I know you just got here, but I am so sleepy and... Edie: Of course. I'll see you when you get home. Karen McCluskey: Actually, I'm gonna call my sister and see if I can stay with her for a while. I don't think I should be on my own just yet. Edie: Okay. Then I'll see you whenever. Karen McCluskey: Oh, be sure and tell Dave how sorry I am. Edie: He will be so glad. He's really fond of you, you know. Karen McCluskey: Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on. (on phone) Hey, sis. It's Karen. Do me a favor and get your sorry ass over to Fairview Memorial Hospital A.S.A.P. I need you big time, kido. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Come in.
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Peter: Hi. I'm looking for Orson Hodge. I'm Peter Hickey. Bree: Oh! Yes, of course. Uh, I'm his wife Bree. I'm afraid he's out running errands, but he's told me all about you. Peter: Oh? Bree: Yes. He said you were roommates back in college. Peter: Yes, we were. Bree: Have a seat. Peter: Anyway, my parents' 50th anniversary is coming up, and I thought I'd surprise them with a family reunion. Bree: What a thoughtful son you are. So, uh, have you given any thought to the venue? Peter: Uh, yes. I have a summer place up in lake pleasant. Ah, pretty sure the terrace fits eight tables of ten. Bree: My, that's a nice little terrace. We, we will throw you a party so special that you'll want us to cater your anniversary, too. Peter: Uh, actually, I'm not married. Bree: Well, let's talk about food. With a new client, what I usually do is discuss possible menus, and then I have my very best chef prepare a sample dinner. Katherine: "Sample dinner"? We don't do sample dinners. Bree: But this is Orson's college roommate. And...he's quite the catch! Katherine: Oh, wait a minute. Is this a setup? Because I loathe blind dates. Bree: Well, that's what's so great about it. Technically, it's a business dinner. It has all the potential upside of a date while still being tax-deductible. Katherine: Fine. I will cook for the man. But I am not going to get dressed up, I'm not going to put on makeup, and I am not going to flirt. Bree: He came while Orson was out. I let him record a message on my phone. Peter: (on phone) Orson, sorry I missed you, catch you next time, okay? Katherine: You realize you could have just led with this and saved us this whole discussion? -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial Hospital - ward] Karen McCluskey: Jeez, Roberta! Put that damn thing out. You're not in a corner saloon. Roberta: Then how come there's bourbon in my coffee? Karen McCluskey: Do I have to call a nurse? Roberta: Fine. I drove 80 miles to see you, Karen. You better be dying, or you're gonna pay for my gas. Karen McCluskey: I'm not dying, but there's someone who sure wishes I was. Son of a bitch landed me in here. Roberta: You tell me where to find him. I'll clean his damn clock. Karen McCluskey: No, we've got to be careful with this guy. Roberta: Mm. Karen McCluskey: He's dangerous. Roberta: That's what you said about that biker in Florida who now has to puree all his food. Karen McCluskey: Hmm, nearly forgot about him. That was a fun vacation. Roberta: So what do you need me to do? Karen McCluskey: Let me come stay with you when I get outta here. This guy thinks I'm out of commission, and I want to keep it that way. And you can help me do some digging. You still work for that cell phone company? The... Roberta: Teleshore. Yes, god help me.
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Karen McCluskey: Good. Pull his records and see what turns up. The name is Dave Williams. Roberta: How do you know he's with Teleshore? Karen McCluskey: I went through his mail. Roberta: God, you remind me of mom. So what else you need? Karen McCluskey: Could you smuggle me in a cold Brewski? Boy, no one knows you like family. -----------------------------------------------------------[Jacksons apartment] Susan: Jackson? It's me. Hello? That'll work. Susan: Are we ok? Darcy: I think so. Susan: Good. So who the hell are you? Darcy: Darcy. Who the hell are you? Susan: Susan. Jackson's girlfriend. Darcy: He never said anything about a girlfriend when we hooked up in the club. Susan: Well, when guys go slut hunting, they tend not to play the girlfriend card. Darcy: You just call me a slut? Susan: You met the guy in night, then you're in a shower. I'm just doing the math. Jackson: Got the pizza. Oh...crap. Susan: So we break up, and 15 minutes later you're with someone else? You got over me fast. Darcy: I'm surprised it took 15 minutes. Susan: Stay out of this. Jackson: Susan, why are you here? Susan: I wanted to talk about our future. Jackson: You--you said you didn't want a future. Susan: Well, I was starting to change my mind, and then I show up and find 5 feet of lip gloss in the shower. I brought hot wings. You're not getting any. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - doorway] Lynette: Hi. What's that for? Lee: Well, I was gonna use it to wash down a bottle of sleeping pills the next time your husband's "band" defiled another rock classic. But since you got them a rehearsal space, I thought we could share it over ice. Lynette: Ha ha ha, come on in. [Inside] Porter: Hey. We're taking off. Remember, I'm spending the night at Kirby's house. Lynette: Oh, right. And, Kirby, tell your mom thanks. That place she found for tom is already paying off. Kirby: Yeah, she said she was there yesterday and said it was looking pretty cool. Lynette: Sh-she was there? Why? Kirby: She was just dropping off some old furniture for Mr. Scavo--a couple chairs, lamp, futon. Lynette: Hum. Porter: Well, see you tomorrow. Lynette: Okay. Drive safely. Porter: Yeah. Lynette: Um...neat or rocks? Lee: Rocks. So why does Tom need a bed in his rehearsal space?
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Lynette: Not a bed-- a futon, like a couch. Lee: That folds out to a bed. Lynette: What are you saying? Lee: Well, if it's just a couch, why didn't Tom tell you about it. Lynette: How do you know he didn't? Lee: I don't. Did he? Lynette: No. Lee: Well, good for you. Good for you. For not worrying about your husband's bachelor pad. You are not the teeniest bit paranoid, and I say brava. Now why aren't we drinking? -----------------------------------------------------------[Rehearsal space] Dave: Wow. Not bad! I mean, we were really cookin' there. Carlos: Tom, you got any beer in the fridge? Tom: I got nothing but beer in the fridge. Dave: All right, everyone, go grab a cold one. You earned it. You sounded great. Oh, do we blow. Mike: Oh, yeah. Dave: Not you, though. Man, you got the heart of a real blues guy. Mike: Ah, that's what five years in prison'll do to ya. Dave: Oh, yeah. I heard about that. Still...It's fun, isn't it? Mike: Highlight of my week. Dave: You know, uh...I was thinking, maybe we should bump up our rehearsal schedule, you know, to start working the kinks out. Mike: Ah, twice a week's about all I can handle. Dave: What are you doing that's more important than this? Mike: Well, let's see. My job, my son. Uh...also, I just...met this woman. Dave: Oh, no, dude, not blowing us off for a girl. Mike: Buddy, I just started seeing her, all right? It's kind of important for the whole "getting back on the horse" thing. Dave: Right, what about Saturday afternoon? I mean, come on, man. We gotta do this. Mike: Why? You're putting a lot of time and effort into a neighborhood garage band. Why is it such a big deal to you? Dave: It's not. I'm--I'm just having a real good time. All right, boys! What do you say? We gonna drink beer or we gonna play some rock 'n' roll? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: (on phone) Tom, where are you? Tom: (on phone) Hey, babe, we just really got into a groove at rehearsal, and I think we're gonna play for a couple more hours. Lynette: (on phone) Yeah? Tom: (on phone) Anyway, I just wanna say don't wait up for me. And I will, um, I'll see you in the morning, okay? Lynette: (on phone) Okay. Bye. -----------------------------------------------------------[Rehearsal space] Lynette: Oh, my god. Tom: Lynette!
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Lynette: You said you were rehearsing. Tom: I know. I know. The guys--the guys left, and I just figured I'd, uh...hang out for a little bit. Lynette: Why can't you do that at home? What the hell is this? You moving out on me? Tom: Why would I move out? Lynette: So you can have your affair--You know, the one that follows the sports car and the garage band and wanting to quit your job, the final stage of your midlife crisis. Oh, and then...when I hear Anne Schilling has been dropping by-Tom: Lynette! She had a bunch of old, crappy furniture in her garage. I bought it for 50 bucks. You don't really think that...Okay...These past few months, when we've been fighting about the car and the road trip, part...part of me thought that you were just complaining to complain, trying to ruin my fun. But if it's affecting you like this, if it's making you actually think that I would hurt you in that way, I'm done with all of this. Lynette: So you'll come home? Tom: Of course. Let me just square all this stuff away, okay? And then I will see you there. Lynette: Good. Maybe when you come home, you could teach me how to play that video game. Tom: That'd be great. Lynette: Okay. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Country Club] Gabrielle: Hey, Clay. Is Mr. Banks around? Clay: Uh, he's not back from lunch yet. What's up? Gabrielle: Oh, I need to sweet-talk him into giving Carlos two months off. Clay: Oh, you two going away somewhere? Gabrielle: No, just Carlos. Mrs. Hildebrand is taking him to Europe as her personal massage therapist. Clay: Personal massage therapist? Gabrielle: Paying him a fortune. But he's worth it. I mean, what he's done for that woman, no one else has been able to do. Clay: So...he told you about that? Gabrielle: They both did. You should have seen the woman, looking at Carlos, gushing like crazy. Clay: And you're okay with them going away together? Gabrielle: Why should I be jealous? The woman's, like, 60. If she gets off on Carlos' magical touch, what do I care? Clay: Yeah. Well, you're broad-minded. You know, if my girlfriend knew that my massages were giving a woman orgasms, no matter how old she was Gabrielle: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody used the "o" word. Clay: He didn't mention that? Gabrielle: No! He's giving her orgasms?! Clay: Nah, not deliberately! Uh, he swears he's only been doing his standard massage. Gabrielle: Oh, I bet he does! Where is he? Is she here now? Clay: Oh, no, no. She prefers her place, so she's been sending a car for him. Gabrielle: Where? Where does she live? Clay: It's that big house on the corner of lake and pinehurst. I'm sorry, Gaby. Is there anything I can do? Gabrielle: Hmm. Well, when the time comes, an alibi would be nice. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - doorway] Jackson: We need to talk. Susan: Sorry, bad time. I have the mailman upstairs in my tub.
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[Inside] Jackson: You know what? You have no right to be mad at me. Susan: I don't? Jackson: I try to commit to you, and you push me away. I try to move on, and I'm a shallow jerk. What the hell are you doing? Susan: Yeah, I have been married twice, and both times that's imploded, so really, I feel like...love is not my friend. You know, I-I wish that I could say it was just rotten luck, but...I just am thinking that...I can't do this. Jackson: You can't? I-I never even had a real girlfriend before I met you. I didn't want one. And the first time I try to commit, bam! I get smacked. Look, I don't even know where we are anymore. Susan: (sighs) Wow...We really messed this up, didn't we? Jackson: Pretty much, yeah. Susan: We just have so much baggage. I wish we could start over. Can we start over? Susan: (on phone) Hello? Jackson: (on phone) Hi. Uh, is Susan Mayer there? Susan: (on phone) May I ask who's calling? Jackson: (on phone) This is Jackson... Braddock. Uh, we met once. I don't know if you remember me. I have brown hair. Susan: (on phone) Uh, yeah. I think I remember you. Jackson: (on phone) Well, anyway, I thought we really clicked, so I was wondering if you might want to have dinner with me. Susan: (on phone) Okay. When? Jackson: (on phone) Tomorrow. I know this great Mexican Susan: (on phone) Ugh! Jackson: (on phone) French place. Susan: (on phone) Sounds great. Pick me up at 7:00. Jackson: (on phone) Great. Where do you live? -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Hildebrands house] Housekeeper: May I help you? Excuse me. Gabrielle: I am Gabrielle Solis. Perhaps you know my husband? He "rubs" your boss. Where are they? Housekeeper: I am under strict instructions not to disturb Mrs. Hildebrand. You can wait here. Gabrielle: Fine. When the cops bust up this brothel, I'm gonna tell them you're the madame. Virginia: Mmm. Mmm, yes. That's it, right there. Carlos: You sure this isn't too rough? Virginia: Mmm. No way. Go deeper. I can take it. Ahh. Hold on. I've got a crick. I...Carlos, I just remembered I had an important business call to make. Could you give me the room for a minute? Carlos: Absolutely. Virginia: Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here? Gabrielle: I know what you've been up to, and shame on you. Virginia: What are you talking about? Gabrielle: I know about...the big "O." Virginia: Oh, dear. He could tell? I'm beyond mortified. I understand your concern, but I assure you it was only that one time. It's never happened again.
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Gabrielle: And it never will, because if you think I'm gonna let you drag Carlos off to Europe, you're nuts. Virginia: I suppose I should be flattered that a woman as young and beautiful as you should see me as a threat. But it would be a shame to let it end a friendship that's come to mean so much to me. Gabrielle: Maybe a little too much. Virginia: Mrs. Solis, my husband's gone. I'm estranged from my family. If you live with loneliness long enough, it becomes an ache inside you-- an actual physical pain. I thought I'd live with that pain the rest of my life. Then your husband healed me. Can you blame me for being grateful? Gabrielle: No, but I just think we should end things before they get any weirder. Virginia: Carlos tells me you used to be a fashion model. I've always had a passion for clothes. The reason I'm going to Europe is to see the couture collections in Paris and Milan. Gabrielle: Lucky you. Virginia: It's not so much fun going alone. But if I had a knowledgeable companion like you to be my guide...In fact, you could be my personal shopper. That is, if you don't mind being paid in dresses. Gabrielle: Gosh, that's a...a hell of a sweet offer, but I've...got the girls, and, um... Virginia: We'll bring them along. Think what fun we'll have dressing them up. Gabrielle: What the hell? You're never too young to see Paris, right? Virginia: I'm so glad! I can see we're going to be great friends. Carlos, I'm done with my call. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: Hello! Dave: Hey, hon. Check this out. Edie: If it's the cat eating spaghetti, I've already seen it. Dave: It's our band logo. We're thinking of getting T-shirts made up. Edie: "Blue odyssey"? Who came up with that? Dave: This was the name of my brother's band when he was in high school. Edie: You have a brother? Dave: Had. He died. Edie: Well, you never told me about him. What happened? Dave: His name was Steve. He was a great guy...Just kinda got caught up in drugs and couldn't get out. He went to prison, and when he was there, he was killed...by another inmate. Edie: And what happened to the guy who killed him? Dave: Oh, the court ruled it self-defense, so the guy finished his time, and he got out. Edie: I can't believe you've never told me about him. I mean, it might help you to talk about stuff like that. Dave: I have my own way of dealing with it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Oh, sorry I'm late. That rehearsal was awesome. They're letting me sing lead vocal on "Hotel California." Bree: Oh, that's nice. Hey, was there a blue convertible parked in front of Katherine's? Orson: Yes, there was. Nice one. Bree: My god, he's still there. Orson: Who's still there? Bree: Well, Katherine's been lonely, so I set her up with a client, and he's been there for over four hours, so you know it's going well! Orson: Good for you! My clever little matchmaker. Bree: Mmm. Ohh. Mwah. Well, you deserve some credit, too. I mean, you brought us Peter's business.
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Orson: Peter? Peter hickey? Bree: Yes. Orson: You set him up with Katherine? Bree: Is that bad? Orson: Potentially. Bree: Is he gay? Ugh! I knew he had too much product in his hair. Orson: No, it's just that when I booked the anniversary party, I didn't want you to be uncomfortable around Peter, so I said we'd met in college, which is not actually the case. Bree: Well, where did you meet? Orson: Prison. Bree: Peter's a felon? But he's so refined, so handsome. Orson: Two qualities that did not serve him well behind bars. Bree: My god, Orson. What kind of criminal is he? A killer or a rapist? Orson: Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that. They got him for organ trafficking. Bree: What?! Orson: He was a surgeon, and it seems that when the opportunity presented itself, he'd harvest the odd liver or kidney from a deceased patient and then sell it on the black market. Bree: Are you telling me that I set Katherine up with a convicted graverobber?! Orson: Well, you said yourself women over 40 can only be so choosy. Bree: That is not funny! I have to go warn Katherine. Katherine: (on phone) Hello? Bree: (on phone) Katherine, hi! Is everything all right over there? Katherine: (on phone) Yes, everything's fine. Bree: (on phone) Then why are you whispering? Katherine: (on phone) Peter just fell asleep. I don't want to wake him. Bree: (on phone) Oh, my god. You slept with him? Katherine: (on phone) You can wag that finger all you like. I've got just six words for you, Bree Hodge...Thank you, thank you, thank you! Bree: (on phone) Oh, I just really wish you'd taken things more slowly. Katherine: (on phone) Bree, you have given me the most magical night I've had since I don't know when. Are you gonna make me feel bad about it now? Bree: (on phone) No, I'm not. Katherine: (on phone) Oh! He is just so wonderful. I tell you, if I'm not careful, this guy could steal my heart. Bree: (on phone) Well, if he tries, just promise you'll call. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - Kitchen]\ Katherine: Sorry I'm late. I was sleeping so soundly. Peter didn't want to wake me. What's this? Bree: A Cosmopolitan. That's your favorite, isn't it? Katherine: It's 10:00 A.M. I don't want a drink. Bree: You will. Katherine: But...these homeless people whose kidneys he bought--He at least paid them well, right? Bree: Oh, I am so, so sorry. Katherine: Oh, it's not your fault. You didn't know. I have no one but myself to blame. That's it. I'm going to Maryland.
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Bree: You can't just move because of one bad date. Katherine: You don't get it. When we started this, you were just as lonely as I was--Orson in jail, Benjy gone. And I felt bad for you, but, boy, was it nice to have somebody in the same boat. And then Orson got out, and now he's here all the time. And I feel like you're this...fun, happy power couple, and I'm just this needy, pathetic idiot...who hops into bed with the first pancreas thief who kisses her. I should be with family. Bree: And I'm not family? Katherine, all my life, I wanted a sister. And now I feel like I finally have one. Katherine: But we're always fighting and competing with each other. Bree: Well, what could be more sisterly than that? I know I'm not the most...demonstrative...person, but I care about you deeply, and if you were to just walk out of my life, I would be very...very unhappy. Katherine: Well, I wouldn't want that. Bree: Good. Well, now that that's settled...Let's make some pies. Katherine: Okay. Can I have another Cosmo? Bree: No. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - bedroom] Tom: Hey, is porter still at Kirby's? Lynette: Yeah. What's wrong with you? You've been antsy all night. Tom: Nothing. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Okay, I know what it is. I have had this nagging feeling that I've forgotten something, and then I just realized I think I left the freezer door at Scavo's open. Lynette: You sure? Tom: No. That's why it's gonna drive me crazy. I better go down there and check. Mmm. Lynette: Okay. Hurry back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Rehearsal space] Anne: I'm so glad you were able to get away. I didn't think you'd make it. Porter: I'm glad my parents still think I'm young enough for sleepovers. Crap! It's my dad! Porter: Dad, hi. I was just--I was just... Tom: I know what you were "just." When I found this, I thought, oh, great! One of the guys in the band is having an affair. And then it hit me--Porter has a key. Where is she? Porter: Oh. Dad. Don't. She isn't wearing anything, all right? Tom: Who is she? Porter: Just some girl from English class. You--you don't know her. Tom: I'm gonna go in the bathroom. You got 60 seconds to get her out of here. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mikes garage] Katherine: Oh. Hey, Mike. Wow. Look at you all dressed up. Mike: Oh, I was, um, kind of on a date. Katherine: Oh. How did it go? Pretty bad. Basically, she just grilled me all through dinner--What do I think about this? What would I do if that? I barely even know her. I felt like I was on trial for my life. Katherine: Oh, I'm sorry. I just wanted somebody nice to have a cup of coffee with. I guess that's too much to ask. Katherine: Well, it's kinda late for coffee, but...I do have lemonade. I'd settle for lemonade. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Outside Lynettes house] Tom: Hey, you know, I know it seems like I am being hard on you, but like I told you before, I don't think that you're emotionally ready for sex. Porter: I know. You said. Tom: Just making sure you heard me. Now go to bed. It's late. Porter: Want me to, uh, put the car cover on for you first? Tom: Sure. Thanks. Porter: You shouldn't be here. Someone might recognize your car. Anne: Is everything okay? Porter: Yeah. My dad doesn't suspect anything. Anne: I'm sorry if I got you in any trouble. Porter: It's okay. You're worth it. Mary Alice Voiceover: There are dangerous women in this world. Some are lovers, blind to the consequences of their actions. Some are wives enraged by the betrayal of those they trusted. Others are predators, deviously setting traps to get what they want. If you're unlucky enough to come upon one of these dangerous creatures, the safest thing to do... [Outside Mrs. McCluskeys house] Roberta: I pulled those records you asked for. Looks like your Mr. Williams is keeping a little secret. Mary Alice Voiceover:is run the other way. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X07 What more do I need? -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Susan: Can we start over? Mary Alice Voiceover: It was a surprising day for the women of Wisteria Lane. Jackson: (on phone) Well, I was wondering if you might want to have dinner with me. Susan: (on phone) Okay. Gabrielle: He's giving her orgasms?! Clay: Ah! Not deliberately. Virginia: I can see we're going to be great friends. Bree: You are a vibrant, attractive woman, you-Katherine: Who hasn't had sex in two years. That spells "grandma" to me. Mrs. McCluskey: Let me come stay with you when I get outta here. This guy thinks I'm out of commission, and I want to keep it that way. Lynette: What's wrong with you? You've been antsy all night. Tom: I think I left the freezer door at Scavo's open. Mary Alice Voiceover: But it was an even more surprising night... Porter: Crap! It's my dad! Mary Alice Voiceover: for the Scavos.
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Tom: Where is she? Porter: Don't. She isn't wearing anything, all right? Tom: Who is she? Porter: Just some girl from English class. Tom: I'm gonna go in the bathroom. You got 60 seconds to get her out of here. -----------------------------------------------------------[The Same Night] [Five Minutes Later] [Lynettes house] Mary Alice Voiceover: There was a slight misunderstanding in the Scavo house that night. You see, someone in the family was having an affair with a married women, and Lynette Scavo suspected her husband. Tom: False alarm. The freezer was shut tight. Mary Alice Voiceover: Unfortunately for Lynette, she was wrong. Lynette: Liar. Tom: What? Lynette: I always knew things could change between us, Tom, but no matter what, the one thing I always thought I'd get is your respect. Tom: Lynette, what's going on? Lynette: I followed you to the warehouse. I know everything. Tom: Oh, boy. Lynette: Yeah, at this point, I think I'm gonna need a little bit more than that. Tom: You're right. I shouldn't have kept this from you. And...you know, for what it's worth, I wanted to bring you in on it. Lynette: Huh? Tom: But I was afraid you'd overreact. Lynette: That's what you were afraid of? Tom: Hey, I'm upset, too. But let's face it. Boys will be boys. Lynette: I think... I have to sit down now. Tom: Lynette, are you really surprised? It's not the first time this has happened. And it definitely won't be the last. Lynette: You know what? I have to kill you now. Tom: Well, he's your son, too. Lynette: Who? Tom: Porter! Lynette: What are you talking about? Tom: I found out Porter's been hooking up with some girl at our warehouse. Lynette: What are you talking about? Mary Alice Voiceover: And just like that, the slight misunderstanding in the Scavo house had ended... Porter: Hey. What's up? Lynette: You're having sex with your best friend's mother?! Mary Alice Voiceover:and a huge family crisis had begun. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Desire...It's an emotion designed to lead us astray, causing us to buy things we can't afford...
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Encouraging us to sample desserts we don't need...And pushing us into love affairs we're clearly not ready for. [Lynettes house] Lynette: I want you to call that woman and tell her you are never seeing her again. Porter: Her name is Anne. Lynette: Her name is Mrs. Schilling. She was your T-ball coach when you were 6. By the way, does your best friend know you're sleeping with his mother? Porter: We're keeping our relationship from Kirby for now. Tom: This isn't a relationship. You are being used by this woman. Porter: No, I'm not. I love her. Lynette: Okay, that's it. I'm calling her. Porter: No. Hey! What if her husband answers? Lynette: Gee, Porter. That's just one of the pitfalls of dating a married woman. Porter: Listen to me! Mr. Schilling can't find out. He--he's totally violent. He--he would kill her. Lynette: Well, then you have put her in a very dangerous position, haven't you? Porter: Okay. I'll call her. I'll tell her it's over. I'm not going to say that you know. That'll just freak her out. But you have to promise me that you won't say anything to her psycho husband. Lynette: I am not promising anything. Porter: So help me, if I find out that you do something, and she gets hurt, I will leave this house and I will never come back! Lynette: Oh, please! You would never do that. Porter: Yeah? Well, I-I've done a lot of things you never thought I would do. Tom: Wait. We won't say anything. Lynette: But if you don't end this, you won't have to leave. We will throw you out. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Charlie: So...you wanted to see me? Bree: Sit. Orson: Tell us, Charlie...Have you enjoyed working here at Mrs. Van de Kamp's? Charlie: Yeah. It's great. Bree: You don't feel you've been underpaid? Charlie: No. Orson: Well, then perhaps you can explain why you stole $200 from the petty cash box yesterday. Charlie: What? I didn't steal anything. Bree: Charlie, we wouldn't accuse you unless we had concrete evidence, and thanks to my diligent partner here, we do. Charlie: So am I, like...fired? Bree: You're more than "like" fired. You're fired. And, of course, we want our money back. Charlie: Uh, I don't have it. I spent it. Bree: Well, then I suggest you return your purchase. Do you have a receipt? Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, like pot dealers give receipts. Orson: Well, you've just covered yourself in glory on this one. Charlie: Just...please, don't tell my parents. I'll get you the money. I promise. Bree: Can you believe it? A thief and a pothead! Orson: Well, at least we know now where the 2 pounds of cookie dough went.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Restaurant]] Jackson: Too many? Susan: Yeah. I gotta have one more. Ah! Thank you for doing this. Jackson: Ah, well...we needed to wipe the slate clean, right? Susan: Mm. Jackson: And honestly? This is the best second first date I've ever had. Isn't it? Susan: And knowing we're not gonna have sex takes all the pressure off. Jackson: That's...something we know? Susan: Yes. We're starting completely over, so this time, we're gonna do things right. Jackson: W-which means what? Susan: Well, it means...no sex until at least date four. Jackson: Ah. Susan: I want us to spend this time really getting to know each other. Jackson: I-I do know you. Susan: What's my least favorite word? Jackson: "Phlegm." Susan: You're just guessing. It's "panties." Jackson: Ohh. Susan: Although some days it's "larva" or "chunks." Jackson: Well, I will try to remember that. Susan: Mm. Now you tell me something I don't know about you. Jackson: Okay. I'm a painter. Susan: I sort of guessed that when you painted my house. Jackson: I mean, I paint...art. Like...on a canvas, in a frame. Susan: Seriously? Jackson: I went to art school in Paris. And my professor had a beret, so you know he was good. Susan: Wow. So now you're painting...my bathroom? Jackson: Yeah. It sucks. But I've been blocked for the past year. Susan: Blocked? Jackson: Yeah. I mean, I keep trying to start new pieces, but...nothing comes. It's...driving me crazy. Susan: Well, I'm sorry things aren't going well. But I'm glad you told me. See? We're getting to know each other. And we wouldn't have if we'd spent the whole night in bed. Jackson: Yeah. And now I'm creatively and sexually frustrated. First dates are awesome. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys house] Mrs. McCluskey: Jeez, Roberta, I know you hate to throw anything away, but do you have the garbagemen bringing you stuff now? Roberta: Pardon my French, but what's French for "kiss my ass"? Mrs. McCluskey: So you said Dave has a secret. Now how you gettin' that from this? It's just a bunch of phone numbers. Roberta: Yeah, it may be just a bunch of numbers to you but to a savvy sleuth with a keen eye and the nose of a bloodhound Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah, yeah, you're Miss Marple with a bum liver. So what's he hiding? Roberta: Let me walk you through it. Around the 1st of every month, Dave gets a string of calls--five or six--from this number in Boston. They're all short--10, 15 seconds. My guess is he's not picking up.
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Somebody's leaving him messages. You know, buggin' him. Mrs. McCluskey: Once a month, huh? My guess is it's an ex-wife looking for her alimony. Roberta: Except it's not. You see this? After a few days, he always calls back. And who, you ask, is he calling? Mrs. McCluskey: (shakes head) Roberta: A hospital in Boston. It's the office of Dr. Samuel Heller...Psychiatrist. Mrs. McCluskey: So...once a month, Dave whines about his life to a Beantown headshrinker, huh? Big whoop. Roberta: I looked up your Davey's doc on the web. He's not your garden-variety shrink. He's a renowned psychiatrist and published author with a very specialized field of expertise. And that, my dear Watson, is your neighbor's little secret. Computer screen: (The Essential National Bestseller Treating The Criminally Insane by Dr. Samuel Heller, PhD) -----------------------------------------------------------[Swimming pool] Gabrielle: Oh, lap of luxury, how I've missed sitting in you. Virginia: Celia! Juanita! Chef is taking fresh-baked cookies out of the oven. Juanita: You're not gonna catch me! Virginia: Oh, I can't tell you how nice it is to hear the sound of children's laughter in this house. You know what I was thinking? Why don't you all stay the weekend? Gabrielle: Ooh, we'd love to. Carlos: Jeez, we can't. Gabrielle: Why not? Carlos: Celia's birthday party is Sunday. We've gotta get ready for it, remember? Gabrielle: What's to get ready? You buy a $9 sheet cake and fling a Piata over a tree and bam! Party time. Carlos: But I don't have a change of clothes. Virginia: My nephew left a whole closet full of old clothes. I'm sure something will fit you. Carlos: Well... Gabrielle: Carlos, just nod your head, 'cause I ain't leaving this pool. Virginia: Oh, good. It's settled. Oh, Gaby. Your margarita's getting low. I'll send Brandon out with a fresh one. Gabrielle: Thank you. Carlos: What are you doing? Gabrielle: What? You heard the woman. She wants children's laughter. And I want the lobster the chef is serving for dinner. It's a win-win. Carlos: I just don't feel comfortable with this. Gabrielle: Why not? I mean, look at this place. It's like Shangri-La. Carlos: Wow, you're right. The pitch black I see here is much more dazzling than the one at home. Gabrielle: What is your problem? Carlos: My problem is that it's a bad idea to mix business and pleasure. Gabrielle: Says the man who massaged her into an orgasm. Carlos: Even more reason to keep some professional distance. Gabrielle: Carlos, she is just a lonely old woman yearning for some friendship and human contact. And I, for one, am happy to be that human. Brandon: Mrs. Solis? Your margarita. Gabrielle: Oh, shoot. I can't reach it. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Rehearsal space] Dave: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Mike: Hey. You bring beer? Dave: Was I supposed to? Orson: No. Tom was supposed to. Tom: Gosh. Sorry. I thought the two cases I bought Monday would've lasted more than one rehearsal. Dave: Boys, we're better off not drinking today. We've got a lot of work to do and only one week to do it. Mike: What are you talking about? Dave: We are playing battle of the bands at the White Horse! Hahahaha! Tom: Uh, Dave? Battle of the bands isn't for amateurs. You gotta audition. Dave: Uh, we don't. Edie's got a real estate buddy whose husband owns the club. Mike: You're kidding. We're playing an actual gig? Tom: In front of people who aren't listening just because I pay their allowance? Orson: Well, this is fantastic! Dave: Yes! But that means the pressure's on. We gotta really rehearse our cover stuff and...we need an original song. Orson: I don't know anything about songwriting. Tom: I-I know a little bit. Orson: No, you don't. Dave: It's fine. Mike and I will write something. You got a little time later? Mike: Not tonight. I got plans. Dave: "Plans? What's her name? Mike: Can we just rehearse, please? Dave: You know, I heard that Susan and Jackson broke up. Tom: I heard they got back together. Mike: It's not Susan. Stop guessing. Also, get lives. Dave: Whatever, Mike, just so long as you're having fun. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Hildebrands house guest room] TV: Hey! Who said you-- turn the board around. Get back here. TV: No! Come out here and show me some moves! Virginia: Sorry to bother you. Just wanted to see if you needed anything before I go off to bed. Gabrielle: No, we're good. Carlos: Sure you don't want to order margarita Number 12? Gabrielle: You sure you don't want to shut your piehole? Virginia: It's so cute, how you two bicker. Carlos, how do those pajamas fit you? Carlos: They're perfect. I-I hope your nephew doesn't mind that I was wearing 'em. Virginia: He'll never know. We're estranged. Carlos: Oh. Okay. Gabrielle: Anyway, we're good. So have a nice night. Virginia: Oh! What's that? Gabrielle: Some animated thing. Virginia: I love animated movies. Gabrielle: The girls wanted to watch it, so we're kind of having a family movie night. Virginia: Ooh, that sounds like fun! My heavens, is that Penguin Surfing? Gabrielle: Gee, I don't know. I can't really see the screen anymore.
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Virginia: Oh, dear. I'm being rude. Gabrielle: Oh, that's okay. Virginia: There. That's better. Carlos: Did she just crawl under... Gabrielle: Oh, yeah. Virginia: Hahahaha. -----------------------------------------------------------[Jacksons apartment] Susan: And so there I was in ninth grade, and my boobs had not made an appearance. I was desperate. Jackson: Here. Let me refill that for you. Susan: And so that's when I got caught stuffing at the pep rally. And six months later...Kaboom. I was voted prom queen. Nice work, girls. Stop that right now. Jackson: What? Susan: The sex music. Turn it off. Jackson: That--that's not sex music. Susan: We are not having sex until date number four, and this is date number two. Jackson: I know what it is. It--it's just that you look so hot in these pants, and your hair smells so good. And your eyes...Look, I made you dinner. Come on. Susan: Jackson Jackson: I braised beef for you. Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to braise meat? Susan: Okay, do you know how sad it makes me to know that you only braised it to boink me? You're supposed to be asking me questions. The point of all this was to get to know each other better. Jackson: How is it gonna make our relationship stronger for me to know that in the fifth grade, they sent you to the therapist 'cause you wouldn't stop chewing your hair? Susan: You know, that was hard for me to share, and the fact that you just make light of it...No, I'm am calling the second date officially over. And you know what? I was going to let you feel me up over my blouse. But now? Nada. -----------------------------------------------------------[Library] Eleanor: So before we wrap up here, we still need some chaperones for the junior prom. Anne Schilling is coordinating the volunteers, and she could really use some help. Nobody? Anne: I know we're all busy, but this is important. We want our kids to have fun, but let's face it. If we don't keep an eye on them, God only knows what kind of trouble they'll get into. Helen? Marjorie? You'll help? Fantastic. Thanks, guys. [Ladies room] Anne: Hey, Lynette. Do these meetings keep getting longer, or do they just seem that way? Lynette: I don't know. Anne: So...how's the family? I haven't seen penny in so long, and all the kids are getting so big now. I guess the boys will be going off to college soon. Aah! Lynette! Lynette: I know everything, okay? Anne: Ok...I'm sorry, but...it's important for you to understand...I love porter. Lynette: So do I. And if you ever lay a hand on him again, you will find out just how much. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] Orson: Oh, Bree. I've got good news. Bree: Me, too. You go first.
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Orson: I hired a girl to replace that thief Charlie. Bree: Oh. Well, are you sure she's trustworthy? Orson: Well, she comes with a strong recommendation from the head of the local F.B.I. Office--Her father, who's Mormon. Bree: Well done, Orson! Orson: Thank you. Your turn. Bree: Oh. "The New Christian Reader" just published an advance review of my cookbook. Listen! "Mrs. Van de Kamp's colorful stories of her upbringing show her upstanding values, but her recipes are sinfully delicious." They gave me four halos! Orson: Then I think this is appropriate--Holy cow! Bree: I have to admit, I had some reservations about us working together, but this has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. Orson: Mmm. We're quite a team, aren't we? Bree: Yeah, and the best part is we get to see each other all the time. Orson: Mm-hmm, I know, which makes the hardest part keeping my hands off you all the time. Bree: Orson! You can't be serious! Here? Orson: This kitchen is the birthplace of our triumphs. What better place to celebrate them, hmm? Bree: Ooh! Oh, this counter's hard on my head. Orson: Do you want me to stop? Bree: No. Get me an oven mitt. Orson: Right. Bree: Oh, much better. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Hildebrands house another guest room] Gabrielle: Rise and shine, girls. Rise and shi--Oh, my god! What are you doing?! Virginia: Gaby, it's fine. We're just doing a little art project. I told them the girls they could decorate the room any way they wanted. Juanita: I'm making a castle. Celia: It's stupid. Juanita: No, you're stupid! Gabrielle: You're both stupid. Stop it! Um, Mrs. Hildebrand, this is really nice of you. But why would you want to ruin your beautiful room? Virginia: Oh, it's not my room anymore. It's their room. Gabrielle: What? Virginia: Yes. It's the room they'll be staying in whenever you come to visit. They're getting a new TV, bunk beds. I'll have it ready by the time you get here next weekend. Gabrielle: Uh...next weekend, uh, Carlos and I have plans. Virginia: Well, I bet the girls don't. I'll send a car for them. Gabrielle: I...don't think that's such a good idea. Virginia: How about it, girls? Wanna spend next weekend here? Celia: Yay! Juanita: Yay! Thank you. Mrs. Hildebrand. Virginia: Oh! Oh! What did I tell you? Juanita: Sorry. Thank you, grandma. Virginia: Oh, come! Oh
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Carlos: "Grandma"? She told them to call her "grandma"? Gabrielle: Yeah, and that's why we're leaving. Carlos: After you told her you'd stay all weekend? How we gonna do that? Gabrielle: I don't know. Make an excuse. Say you ha some blind thing you have to go to. Carlos: We have to be very careful here. This woman has a lot of pull at the country club. Plus, we've got that Europe trip coming up. Gabrielle: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going to Europe with Grandma Nutjob. Carlos: I'm not walking away from $100,000. We need that money. Gabrielle: Carlos, it's not worth it. She's really starting to freak me out. Carlos: Damn it, Gaby. I told you it was dangerous getting chummy with the clients. You wouldn't listen. You had to stay for the lobster. Gabrielle: Hey, I seem to remember some melted butter on your bib, too. Now how we getting out of here? Carlos: Look, she knows we've got Celia's party tomorrow. I'll tell her we have to go shopping for that. Everything will be fine. -----------------------------------------------------------[Playground] Porter: Sorry. I had to wait for my folks to go to the store before I could sneak out. What's wrong? Are you okay? Anne: I don't know what to do. Porter: About what? Let me help you. Anne: It's just all such a mess. Porter: Wait. Is this about my mom? Did she do something else to you? Did she call your husband? Anne: No. Porter: Well, then what? Tell me. Anne: I'm pregnant. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - kitchen] Katherine: Hey, do you mind if I cut out early today? Bree: I don't see why not. I mean, everything's, uh, pretty much done here. You can go now if you like. Katherine: Thanks. Andrew. Don't you look handsome? Andrew: Do I? Great. Orson: Something wrong? Andrew: You remember Charlie, the kid you guys fired for stealing? Well, he called and asked how you could prove it, and I said, "We've got a surveillance tape, scuzzball." Well, uh, guess who stole the surveillance tape last night. Bree: That does it. We're pressing charges. Andrew: Uh, you--you might want to hold off on that, because according to Charlie, the surveillance tape is also a sex tape. Bree: What? Andrew: Yeah, he said it shows a couple really going at it. So...any idea who those crazy kids might be? Orson: Oh, dear god. Andrew: Yep. Kinda thought so. Bree: How could this be happening? Bree: Before anything got serious, I made a point of turning the camera off. Orson: Wait, I turned it off, too.
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Bree: I didn't see you do that. Orson: No, you were looking for the olive oil. Bree: Obviously, you turned it back on. Bree: We need to, um, get that tape back. Andrew: Yeah, well, break out your checkbook, 'cause he wants 2 grand for it. Bree: $2,000?! Andrew: Yeah, or he's gonna post it on youtube. Orson: What are we gonna do? Andrew: Well, first you need to decide what your porn names are gonna be. Bree: Okay, this is not a joke. My book comes out next month--My old-fashioned, traditional cookbook! This could ruin me! Orson: All right, Bree. We'll just pay him. Bree: No! I-I refuse to pay blackmail to some hooligan who's stolen from us twice! Andrew...All my life, I have done my best to teach you to respect God and the law and never to harm another living thing. I want you to forget every one of those lessons if it'll help you get that tape back. Andrew: Wow. So...carte blanche? Orson: Uh...within reason. We are not condoning arson or violence or-Bree: Orson, don't cramp the boy's style. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Hey, sweetie. Now don't forget to make a wish. All: Happy birthday! Kid: Happy birthday. Gabrielle: Virginia! What, uh, are you doing here? Virginia: I came to give Celia her birthday gift. Gabrielle: Well, she's a little busy with her friends right now, so just give it to me, and I'll make sure she gets it. Virginia: I'm afraid that won't be possible. You see, for my present, I'm gonna take her to a shop that sells the most exquisite antique dolls and let her pick whichever one she likes. Gabrielle: Well, she's not gonna leave her party to go buy a doll. Virginia: Well, of course not. I'll wait on the porch till it's over. Gabrielle: Uh, look, I'm sorry, but I don't want you driving off with my daughter. Virginia: Well, you know she'll be safe with me. But if you'd feel better joining us... Gabrielle: You sure are making this hard. I have tried to be nice, but I am running out of polite here, so I'm just gonna say knock it off. Virginia: I'm sorry. Knock off what? Gabrielle: This whole creepy, clingy "I'm your grandma" routine. Virginia: But I've come to feel like a grandmother to the girls. Gabrielle: In three days. That's the creepy part. Virginia: What a hurtful thing to say, especially given how generous I've been to your family. Gabrielle: Yeah, too generous. It's like you're trying to buy us or something. Well, we're not for sale, so just back off! Virginia: Who do you think you're talking to? You wicked, ungrateful girl! You're not the first greedy bitch who's tried to bleed me dry and then wash her hands of me. Gabrielle: Okay, we're done here. Good-bye. Am I not making myself clear? Get off my property! Carlos: Gaby. What's going on?
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Virginia: I came to buy Celia a doll. I believe you've heard Gaby's response. Carlos: Virginia, please. Allow me to apologize. Virginia: I think it's a little late for that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house] Susan: Thank you...for a wonderful third date. And I'm glad that you're back on board with our plan. Jackson: Yeah, I really think I'm starting to get something out of it. Susan: Mmm. Oh, pop quiz! Why did Kim Beale stop talking to me in eighth grade? Jackson: Well, you told Erin Connors about her nose job. Susan: Right! What time is it? Jackson: Uh, 10:48? Susan: No. It's sex time! Jackson: Hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Susan. Susan: What?! Jackson: Stop. We're not having sex till the fourth date, remember? Susan: Jackson, look at me. I'm tipsy. I'm horny. I'm easier than a 5-year-old's homework. Jackson: I'll call you tomorrow. Susan: The forehead? -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. Hildebrands house] Virginia: (on phone) I hate to say anything, Stan, but you are president of the country club. You need to know that the way Carlos touched me during my last massage...Well, let's just say it was highly inappropriate. And that kind of behavior is a liability the club can't afford. Good. I appreciate your taking care of it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Hellers office] Dr. Heller: (on phone) Hello? Mrs. McCluskey: (on phone) Uh, hello. Is this Dr. Heller? Dr. Heller: (on phone) Speaking. Who's calling? Mrs. McCluskey: (on phone) I'm Maggie Carr at Hilltop Insurance. We have an applicant for a new term life insurance policy, and he lists you as a previous care provider. I was hoping to verify his medical history. The name's Dave Williams. Dr. Heller: (on phone) Dave Williams? I don't know a Dave Williams. Mrs. McCluskey: (on phone) Well, sure you do. You call him every month. Roberta: How would Maggie know that?! Mrs. McCluskey: (on phone) Uh, I'm guessing. Dr. Heller: (on phone) Who is this? Roberta: (on phone) Uh, hi, Dr. Heller. I'm, uh, Lindsay Thorne. I'm Maggie's supervisor. And she's confused and about to get fired. And, uh, we just need you to confirm for our records that you're treating a man named David Williams. Dr. Heller: (on phone) What is your Medicare I.D. Number? Roberta: (on phone) Um...I'm not sure. We're in the process of converting to the metric system. Dr. Heller: (on phone) I don't know who this is, but are you aware that what you are doing is illegal? Okay, look. We're just trying to get some info on this guy. He just moved to Fairview, and he's really creeping people out. Dr. Heller: (on phone) You're in Fairview? Roberta: (on phone) Yeah. Why? Does that mean something to ya?
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Dr. Heller: (on phone) No, I'm just trying to get all the info I need when I contact the federal authorities to let them know that-Mrs. McCluskey: Well, we really screwed the pooch on that one. Roberta: Yeah, back to the drawing board. Can I Irish that up for ya? Mrs. McCluskey: It's noon somewhere. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Ha. You got the tape! Orson: How did you manage that? Bree: Orson, we don't need to know. Andrew: No, you don't, but it's kind of amazing what you can get a bunch of bikers to do for a case of beer. Bree: Oh, my. Orson: Well, I better destroy this. Andrew: Actually, you may want to watch it first. Bree: Why? I'm embarrassed enough as it is. Andrew: Humor me. I'll cue it up. Bree: You watched it?! Andrew: Well, I had to make sure it was the right disk. Here, just watch a little bit. Bree: Oh, dear god. I can't look. Really, Andrew. Orson: Wait. Bree, that's not us. Bree: What? Well, who is it then? Andrew: Wait, wait. He flips her in just a sec. This is where it gets good. Bree: Katherine! Orson: And Mike. Andrew: Just so you know, I'm--I'm never eating anything that comes out of that kitchen again. -----------------------------------------------------------[Jacksons apartment - doorway] Susan: Jackson? Jackson: Hi. Susan: Hi. I am declaring this our official fourth date, okay? The rules have been followed, and you may begin disrobing...now. Jackson: Uh, I'm--I'm--I'm--I'm kind of doing something right now. Susan: Okay, I just ran into your house half-naked. The only thing you should be doing is me. What is on your face? Is that paint? Are you painting again? Jackson: Uh, y-yeah. Susan: I thought you were blocked. Jackson: I was, but, uh...not having sex for a few days kinda got my juices flowing in a different direction. So now I-I really need to finish, so-Susan: So you've broken through your creative logjam? Congratulations! Ooh, why not celebrate by ripping off my clothes with your teeth? Jackson: I...can't. I'm not finished yet. Susan: How close are you? 'cause I can wait. Jackson: Wait, wait, no. No, don't-- don't look at that...yet. Susan: That's me. Jackson: Yeah. Uh, it's...supposed to be. Susan: That look on my face...I've seen before...in the mirror, when I'm feeling...How do you know about that
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look? Jackson: I-I know a lot about you. I know your cheeks get red when people say you're pretty. I know that your eyes start to tear up whenever you talk about your grandfather. And I know that when you're really sad, you get that beautiful, haunted look that you try to shake off before anybody can see it. Susan: I can't believe I ever thought you didn't know me. Well, I guess I should let you finish this. I'm sort of missing hands. Jackson: Actually, that is one detail I could use some help with. Susan: Really? Jackson: Unless you have a problem posing naked. Susan: Oh. Come on. I think you know the answer to that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Katherines house - doorway] Katherine: Hey. Bree: Hello, Katherine. Um, I thought you might want this videota...from our surveillance camera. Katherine: We have a surveillance camera? Bree: Yes, in the, uh, test kitchen. Katherine: Oh, my god. So that means you saw me and... Bree: Mike. Yes, indeedy. Katherine: Oh, I'm so embarrassed! Oh, what you must think of me! Bree: Let's not dwell on it. Katherine: Oh! I mean, having sex in the kitchen, where food's prepared...What kind of a demented slut would do that? Bree: I said..let's not dwell on it. Katherine: Thanks for bringing it by. Bree: Katherine, I'm sorry, but I just have to ask--Are you sure you know what you're doing? Katherine: Meaning what? Bree: Meaning Susan is your oldest friend on this street. Katherine: She divorced him, Bree, and she's seeing someone else. Why can't Mike do that? Bree: Because she's your friend, and we're women. We don't do that to each other. Katherine: Look...I've been alone for five years. I'm finally in a relationship, and you're trying to make me feel guilty? Bree: Is that what I saw on the tape-- a relationship? Katherine: I don't know what it is. All I know is...I'm having the time of my life. Bree: Fair enough. But just be careful, I mean, this is very complicated. I'd hate to see it end badly. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house Twins bedroom] Lynette: Hey, breakfast's on the table. Porter, this whole hating me thing that you've got going on right now--Believe it or not, I get where you're coming from. Porter: I don't hate you. Lynette: But one day, you are gonna meet someone more...appropriate. Someone who want the same things that you do out of life. Then you are gonna know what real love is. And when you do, I hope you will finally see where I am coming from. Porter: (on phone) Yeah? Anne: (on phone) It's me. Can you talk? Porter: (on phone) Hey, Gary. I'm running kind of late. Can I call you later? Anne: (on phone) Just listen. I can leave town Saturday. You have the money, right?
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Porter: (on phone) Yeah. No problem. Anne: (on phone) I love you. Porter: I know where you're coming from, mom. And...I-I want you and dad to know that I really appreciate everything you've done for me. Lynette: Good. I'll see you downstairs. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Desire--It's an emotion designed to lead us astray, persuading those who crave love to make foolish choices...causing those who yearn for family to act out in anger...allowing those who are lonely...to behave in reckless ways. And when the pursuit of our heart's desire becomes an obsession, the best we can hope for is a caring friend willing to come along... Dr. Heller: Hi. I'd like to book the next flight to Fairview. Mary Alice Voiceover:and stop us. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X08 City on Fire -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Anne: (on phone) I love you. Lynette: You're having sex with your best friend's mother? Mary Alice Voiceover: An affair was revealed... Porter: You must promise me that you won't say anything to her psycho husband. Mary Alice Voiceover: A good time was brought to an end... Gabrielle: Back off! Virginia: Who do you think you are talking to? Gabrielle: We're done here. Good bye. Mary Alice Voiceover: And a man's past was uncovered... Roberta: (on phone) We're just trying to get some info on this guy. He just moved to Fairview, and he's really creeping people out. Dr. Heller: (on phone) You're in Fairview? Roberta: (on phone) Yeah. Why? Does that mean something to ya? -----------------------------------------------------------[The White Horse Bar] Mary Alice Voiceover: Once a year, the owner of The White Horse Bar would host a competition known...as the battle of the bands. Warren: Give it up for Cold Splash. Mary Alice Voiceover: And young musicians would come...with their drums...and guitars...and dreams of stardom. This year, those young musicians were joined by a group of middle-aged men...who came with their stiff joints...and high cholesterol...and dreams of being young again Band guy #1: Wrinkle leave my skin Mary Alice Voiceover:...if only for one night. Tom: God, look at those guys. They're so young. Orson: No wonder they went first. They probably have homework.
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Mike: Would you guys relax? Rock 'n' roll's not just for young people. Carlos: Why are they so loud? Mike: Not helping, Carlos. Tom: They're really good, and we're really old enough to be their fathers. Dave: Okay, we may look a little old up there, and we may hit a few clams, but who cares we're here to have fun. Mike: Yeah, tonight we're not the plumber and a masseur and a guy that makes pizzas. We're a rock 'n' roll band right, Dave? Dave: Absolutely. Look, I've gotta check with the guy about the light cues. Tom: You're sure we're not gonna humiliate ourselves? Mike: I promise you itll be a night to remember. Mary Alice Voiceover: And it was Mike: (sings) Mustang Sally, guess you better slow your mustang down. Mary Alice Voiceover:...in ways they could never have known. Mike: (sings) Mustang Sally now, baby. Edie: Oh, my god! Fire! Edie: It's locked. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside The White Horse Bar] Policeman: Straight back. Mary Alice Voiceover: The next morning, news of the tragedy began to spread...along with rumors that the blaze had been set intentionally. It wasn't long before the police began using the word "arson"...and someone was taken into custody. -----------------------------------------------------------[The Day Before] [Susans house] Susan: Oh! Look at my little girl. Isn't she adorable? Oh, I missed her so much. Jackson: Oh, I can't wait to meet her. Susan: Oh, not yet. I wanna give her new boyfriend the once-over. Wow. He's as cute as she said-- nice smile, and look at that hair. Don't you just wanna run your fingers through it? Jackson: Fortunately for you, no. Susan: You know, I'm very good at first impressions. I'm gonna like this guy. Why is the cab driver handing Julie's boyfriend money? Why is Julie's boyfriend getting back in the cab? And why is the middle-aged cab driver kissing Julie? Jackson: I think what's going on is Susan: I know what's going on. Let me enjoy my denial. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Honey, I'm home. You wouldn't believe the traffic... Virginia: Hello, Gabrielle. Carlos: Virginia came by to say hello. Isn't that a nice surprise? Virginia: I have news I wanted to share. You don't seem happy to see me. Gabrielle: Well, maybe that's because the last time we spoke, you called me a greedy bitch, and I called you a scary old hag.
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Virginia: Weren't we a fine pair of hotheads? But what family doesn't have its squabbles? Gabrielle: Family?! Lady, you had Carlos fired. Virginia: That was a terrible misunderstanding. Carlos: And she straightened it out, and I got my job back. Isn't that nice? Gabrielle: Delightful. Now leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass. Carlos: Gaby, could I see you in the kitchen...now? [Kitchen] Gabrielle: Save your breath, Carlos. There is no way we're letting grandma screw-loose back into our lives. Carlos: She put us in her will. Gabrielle: Oh, my god! That woman is crazy. Carlos: Is she crazy or just desperately lonely? Gabrielle: I don't care. Carlos: All she wants is some human contact--to hang out with us on the occasional weekend, maybe a holiday or two. Gabrielle: Right, and in exchange, when she finally kicks the bucket, we wind up with a lamp. I'm sorry, Carlos. Carlos: We're the sole heirs of her entire fortune. And her blood pressure is 220/90. Gabrielle: Virginia! Why can't I stay mad at you? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - Kitchen] Bree: (on phone) All right, then, we'll see you soon. Bree: The reporter's almost here. I am so nervous. Katherine: Why? You've done lots of interviews. Bree: That was all local. This is "The New York Dispatch." If this goes well, my cookbook could be on the front page of their weekend style section. Katherine, what did you do to your hair? I've never seen it look so thick and lustrous. Katherine: I'm already planning to say nice things about you. Bree: Good. I can check that off my list. Andrew: When's the reporter coming? Bree: Any minute. Oh, my gosh, Andrew. Don't you look sharp today? Andrew: Don't worry. I-I won't tell her I'm gay. Bree: Check and check. Andrew: Mom, do you know anything about this reporter? Bree: Only that her name is Sandra Birch. We just spoke, and she seemed very nice. Andrew: She isn't. I went online and pulled a bunch of her articles, and a lot of them are complete hatchet jobs. Bree: "A deeper look suggests something darker, something more ominous, a woman whose perky surface conceals a deep, almost demonic thirst for power. Katherine: I doubt Betty White saw that coming. Andrew: Mom, if this woman tanks you, I could kill sales of the book. You're gonna have to figure out a way to handle this. Sandra: Knock, knock? I'm looking for Bree. Bree: You must be Sandra. What a sharp outfit. And look at that hair--so thick and lustrous. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - Kitchen]
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Preston: Um...mom, you got a minute? Lynette: I do. Why do I have a sense you're gonna take it away from me? Preston: Porter got Anne Schilling pregnant. Mom, are you okay? Lynette: Oh, yeah, I'm great. Thats it? Preston: No. There's more. They're planning to run away. Lynette: Okay. Well, your minute's up. Preston: Aren't you gonna go talk to him? Lynette: No, I have to talk to someone else first. Remember when you left that soda can on the coffee table, and it left a ring, and I yelled at you I take it all back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Rehearsal space] Warren: And we always sell out, so I want the band there by 6:00. Any questions? Dave: Sounds good. When are we on? Warren: Second. You got the primo spot as a favor to my wife. Since she rented you the space, she feels like part of the band. Mike: Well, rock on, Anne Schilling. If she requests "Free bird," we're doing it. Warren: Hey, uh, Tom, I saw Porter at my house the other day. Yeah, he and Kirby were shooting hoops. I can't believe how big he's getting. Tom: Yeah. Warren: They grow up fast, huh? Tom: Yeah. Little too fast. Warren: Yeah. Dave: (on phone) Uh, hey, doc, I know I owe you a phone call. Dr. Heller: (on phone) I'm gonna cut to the chase, Dave. Are you in Fairview? Dave: (on phone) What? Where did that come from? Dr. Heller: (on phone) Doesn't matter where it came from. Are you in Fairview? Dave: (on phone) Look, I don't know what brought this on, but I'm really busy right now. I'll call you tomorrow. I promise. And we can talk about it then. Okay? Bye. [Road] Dr. Heller: Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to Wisteria Lane? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Julie: So there we were, huddled under this broken umbrella, and...he just kissed me. It was so romantic. Lloyd: She's skipping the part where one of the spokes got me in the eye. Jackson: Julie, I'm gonna take your suitcases upstairs now, okay? Julie: Oh, I'll come with you. I need to check my e-mail. Be right back. Lloyd: So, Susan, I'm...I'm sensing that, uh, you're a little freaked out about my age. Susan: You know, when your 24-year-old daughter calls you and tells you she's bringing home a boy from college, you sort of expect it to be, well, a boy. Lloyd: Well, I just want you to know that we didn't start dating until after the semester was over I don't date students. That's-that's a rule with me. Susan: And a damn good one. Lloyd: Although strictly speaking, I suppose my third wife was my teaching assistant, but she was really more of my employee than my student.
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Susan: Your what? Lloyd: Student. Susan: Before that. Lloyd: Employee. Susan: Before that. Lloyd: Third wife. Susan: That's the one. So you've been married three times? Lloyd: Didn't Julie tell you that? Susan: I don't believe so. Although I may have blacked out after she told me you were 40. So how does a man your age get married and divorced three times? Lloyd: Well, my first wife and I were only married a few months, so I-I almost don't like to count it. Susan: Did someone throw rice at you? Lloyd: Yeah. Susan: It counts. Lloyd: Is this upsetting you? I-I thought you'd understand. Julie said you'd been divorced yourself. Susan: Yeah. Only twice. Two. Small number. Much smaller than three. And my first cheated on me, so that doesn't even count. Lloyd: Did someone throw rice at you? Susan: Shut up. Lloyd: Look, you and I both know that sometimes it just doesn't work out. Susan: Well, that's true. Lloyd: And besides, it--it's different with Julie. I love her so much. It's very important that you know I take my commitments seriously. Susan: Why? Oh, my god. Julie: Lloyd, come here. I can't find my cell phone charger. Lloyd: Please, please, don't say anything. I want it to be a surprise. Thanks...mom. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: And this is my own little kitchen. I'm pretty sure my husband's here somewhere. Orson, dear, are you decent? Orson: In here, love. Sandra: Nice to meet you. I've had the most delightful time with your wife and stepson. Your home is stunning. You cannot run a business and do all this, too. Tell me you have a housekeeper. Bree: Why would I pay someone to do work that gives me such joy? Now who wants a little snack? Sandra: Bree, the idea was for me to spend a typical day with you. So this is legit? You're really this Donna Reed housewife from the '50s? Bree: You say that like it's a bad thing. I think that decade had a lot to recommend it. Orson: Mm, people had values then-- values this family strives to uphold. Sandra: But not everyone can keep a perfect house for a perfect family with perfect food and perfect flowers. Bree: Of course they can. If they read my book, that is. Okay, truth be told...I'm far from perfect. Only yesterday, I burned a whole tray of biscotti. Sandra: Wow, and to think, I was worried about finding a lead. Bree: Andrew, please. The machine can get it. We never answer the phone while entertaining. So rude to one's guests. Orson: Mm.
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Bree: Now, um, may I pour you some more tea? Parole officer: (Phone machine) This is Mr. Jones for Orson Hodge. Due to vacation schedules, I'll be filling in for your parole officer. Give me a call, please. Sandra: So, Mr. Hodge...you've been to prison. Andrew: Now can I be gay? -----------------------------------------------------------[Annes house] Anne: Kirby, is that you? I thought you went to the movies. Lynette: Are you really pregnant? Anne: Yes. A couple of months back, Warren and I...w-we fought. I was pretty banged up, and--and...Porter came by looking for Kirby, and--and...he was so...kind and...and gentle. Lynette: Don't. Don't try and justify this. This is sick. You are sick. Anne: Your son...loves me. And--and I love him. And--and--and you know what? I'm glad I'm having porter's baby. Warren: Damn. Not exactly what a husband wants to hear coming in the door. I suppose dinner's not ready, either. Lynette: Warren, I'm sorry that Warren: Thank you. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Anne: Don't go. Warren: I need to talk with my wife right now. I'm sorry for any pain this has caused your family, Mrs. Scavo. [Outside] Lynette: Damn it. [Inside] Warren: You think you can humiliate me?! You piece of filth! Aah! Lynette: Get off of her! Get off of her! I'm calling the police! Warren: Stay out of this! Anne: Aah! Lynette: Okay, well, just so you know, I hit back. Warren: Call the police. I'd love to hear her explain her way out of statutory rape. You don't live here anymore. Lynette: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Anne: Thank you...for coming back. -----------------------------------------------------------[The White Horse Bar] Dave: Here we are, boys. Are you psyched or what? Carlos: Oh, I feel like I'm gonna puke again. Tom: You guys Cold Splash? Band guy #1: Yes, sir. Carlos: "Sir"? Dave: We're Blue Odyssey. Band guy #1: Yeah, I can see that. Band guy #2: So after the gig, we're having a party at our manager's loft. You guys should come. Tom: Abso-tively. We just gotta check with our wives. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Bree: Why were you talking to that woman? Bob: She just walked up and asked if we knew you, wanted us to confirm a bunch of rumors.
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Bree: What kind of rumors? Bob: Just...stuff she'd heard around the neighborhood. Lee: Were you really a boozehound? Bob: Lee... Lee: No, I'm just saying, I wish I'd have known you then. We'd have been such good friends. Bob: She seemed to know an awful lot about you. Lee: Key word--"awful." Bree: I cannot let this happen. I have to find her. Bob: Well, she's gonna be at the battle of the bands tonight. Bree: Why? Bob: She wants to hear Orson, and I quote, "sing harmony with the guy he tried to kill. Bree: Oh, dear god. This woman is determined to make my life sound ten times worse than it actually is. Lee: Yeah. So was your first husband really into s and m hooker? Bob: And you wonder why we're never invited anywhere. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Okay, girls, mommy's leaving. I love you! Gabrielle: I'm planning on having a massive hangover tomorrow, so keep the girls up late so we can all sleep in. Virginia: My, don't you look festive. Gabrielle: Virginia. What are you doing here? Virginia: What do you mean? We're going to watch Carlos' band play. You invited me this morning, remember? Gabrielle: No, uh, what I remember was you asking me to the movies tonight, and me saying I couldn't because I was going to watch Carlos' band play. You got invitation out of that? Virginia: Well, I'm here now, dear, and I have this lovely limo. So come on. We'll ride over to the club in style. Gabrielle: Well, here's the thing. I'm supposed to go with my girlfriends. Virginia: Oh, Gaby, please, I was so looking forward to this. Don't make me go all alone. Gabrielle: Well, I guess we're all going to the same place. I'll just see my friends there. Virginia: Oh, goody! -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Loudspeaker: Dr. Smith to cardiac I.C.U. Porter: Where's Anne? Lynette: Oh! She's asleep. She's fine. Porter: What happened? Lynette: I went over to talk to Anne about recent developments. Porter: You went to her house? Lynette: Yes, I did, Porter. I had to talk to Anne. I didn't know that her husband was there, and he overheard us and...the doctors say she's gonna be fine. Porter, wh-- where are you going? Damn it! -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskeys house] Roberta: "Tonic water, bourbon, ketchup." This is your grocery list? Mrs. McCluskey: There's got to be something else on Dave's phone bill that will help us. Roberta: Uh, there isn't. Oh, don't get broccoli. It is not your friend.
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Mrs. McCluskey: You're telling me that you cross-checked all those other numbers, and there was nothing? Roberta: Squat. Mrs. McCluskey: The key is this doctor guy. Roberta: Yeah. Mrs. McCluskey: Maybe we should just bite the bullet and go to Boston. Roberta: Yeah. Maybe we can get more out of him face-to-face. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mrs. McCluskeys house] Edie: Hey, you wanna go to a rock show tonight? Dr. Heller: Me? With you? Edie: Well, I'm a little out of your league, but if it'll get you there, sure. Dr. Heller: I don't think I can, but thanks. Edie: Here, in case you change your mind. -----------------------------------------------------------[The White Horse Bar] Virginia: And then I noticed that Maria's pockets were stuffed with silverware. I'm telling you, it's impossible to find good help these days. Well, you'll know soon enough when my cholesterol finally gets the better of me. Gabrielle: Don't talk like that. You want a cheeseburger or something? Susan: That has got to stop. I'm gonna do something. Jackson: Why? Julie's a grown woman. Susan: Uh-huh, she's a grown woman with stars in her eyes who's in love with a 3-times loser. Jackson: If she wants to accept his proposal, that's her business. But in the meantime, you're not gonna ruin his surprise. Susan: Aren't I? Jackson: No. Susan: Aren't I? Jackson: No. Susan: You're right. I'll stay out of it. Oh, now where is the little girls' room? Susan: Hey, why did that guy hand you a CD? Warren: Your name isn't Julie, is it? Susan: No. Why? Warren: Well, there's a song on there he wants me to play. I guess he's gonna propose to his girlfriend or something. Susan: Tonight?! Isn't that lovely? Susan: Hey, you two. What's going on? Julie: Um, nothing. What's going on with you? Susan: Oh, I just love this song. And Jackson doesn't like to dance, so...isn't this fun? Julie: It was. Susan: Oh, reminds me of being young and single. Oh, I wish I'd never given up that. Lloyd: Uh...yeah, Susan. Listen, uh, I don't want to, uh, sound rude or anything, but this is really a-a moment that's meant for two. Susan: Right! Right. You mind easing away so I can dance with my daughter? Jackson: Susan? What are you doing?
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Susan: I'm...just movin' to the music. Jackson: Mm, yeah. You're coming with me. Susan: Uh, no. No. No, no. No! No, no, no! Oh, all right! But no matter what he asks you, promise me you'll say "no." Lloyd: Susan! Susan: Lloyd, I'm sorry. I can't help I I don't want my daughter to be someone's fourth wife. Julie: Wife? Were you gonna ask me to marry you? Lloyd: Oh, uh, were we not clear on that by now? Julie: You can't be serious. We've only been dating three months. Lloyd: Well, yes, I know, but I have such a good feeling about us. Susan: Right, better feelings than you had about wives one, two and three? Julie: Mom. You are very sweet, but I'm not getting married...ever. Susan: "Ever"? W-what do you mean "ever"? Julie: We'll talk about this later. I just really need a moment to myself. Bree: Thank you. Sandra: Bree, darling. Bree: Spare me your "darling," Sandra. I know you've been trying to dig up dirt on me. Sandra: Mm, just doing my job. And frankly, I didn't have to dig all that hard. Bree: I wrote a cookbook, Sandra-- meatloaf, pot pies, peach cobbler. Why are you trying to crucify me? Sandra: Because it's not a cookbook, Bree. It's a "Look how great I am" book--one designed to make every woman who reads it feel like a failure if she doesn't measure up. What you're selling's a total sham. Bree: But it isn't, Sandra, because I don't think I'm great. I have fallen down more times than I can count, just like so many other housewives out there, we're all just barely holding on, and we all think that we're alone. So maybe you're right. Maybe it isn't a cookbook. It's a lifeline from me to those other women, because I want them to know there's always a chance to get something right. Even if it's just a casserole. Sandra: Why didn't you just tell me that right up front, Bree? That's an angle I can work with. Virginia: I got some good news today. I've been speaking with the headmaster at Greenbrier Country Day School, and I got them to reserve two spots for the girls. They start next term. Gabrielle: Well, thanks, but the girls already have a school. Virginia: Yes, I know--a public school. This is a good school. Gabrielle: Virginia, they're happy where they are. They love Fairview. Besides, Greenbrier's, like, an hour away. Virginia: So I'll get them a driver. That would be a real treat for them. Gabrielle: No, I want them to be close by. They could need me during the school day-- get sick or something. Virginia: Oh, that's what school nurses are for dear, this is a decision I feel very strongly about, I'm afraid I have to insist. Gabrielle: Excuse me. You don't get to insist on anything when it comes to my daughters. Virginia: I think, given the extent of my investment in this family, I should have some say. I'll just give you some time to think about. Gabrielle: I don't need any time to think about it. Keep your money. Virginia: Now you're being reckless. Gabrielle: You know something? I like money. I like it a lot. A couple years ago, you could've bought me with that big fortune of yours. But I'm a mom now, and I make the decisions for my kids. And that is something that cannot be bought. Virginia: Gaby, I can make a decision, too. I can call my lawyer tomorrow morning and take you out of my will.
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Gabrielle: And that is your right as a crazy old rich lady. Dave: Thank you. Dr. Heller: Screening your calls now, Dave? Let me guess. You can explain everything. Dave: I'm really, really sorry, doc. Dr. Heller: You changed your name and didn't tell me. You're living in Fairview--the one place you swore you wouldn't go. Dave: I didn't change my name to be deceptive. I just wanted a fresh start. Dr. Heller: Fairview is not a fresh start for you. Dave: My wife Edie-- she's from here, and she really wanted to move back and I said okay. Dr. Heller: Did you tell her your history? Did you tell her why it's not healthy-- or safe for you to be here? Dave: She knows everything, and I'm in a really good place right now. But...can we talk about this after the show? These guys...They're my friends, and they're depending on me. Dr. Heller: The moment you're finished playing. Warren: Let's start this year's battle of the bands with our first group. Give it up for Cold Splash! Cold Splash guy #1: I threw darts at a spinning globe. Swapping out passport photos. [Outside] Julie: Spare me the apology for butting into my life for the millionth time. Susan: What is this about you never getting married? Julie: Why would I? If there's one thing I've learned from your experience, marriage is a joke. Susan: Hey, I believe in marriage. Julie: Why? First there was dad, who left you for his secretary, and then Mike...He was the love of your life, and it still went to hell. I mean, honestly...just tell me what the upside is. Susan: Oh, Julie, you're way too young to be this cynical. Julie: I am not cynical. I'm realistic. I'm... I'm just trying to protect myself. Susan: Well, putting a wall around your heart doesn't protect you. It just keeps people out. I learned that the hard way. Now with Jackson...I remember that I like feeling hopeful. I like believing in "happily ever after." I really wish that you felt that way, too. [Inside] Gabrielle: Sorry about the tip, but I just lost $50 million. Cold Splash: I dont know who else to ask Lynette: Excuse me. Gaby, have you seen Porter? Gabrielle: No, I haven't. Why? Is he supposed to be here? Lynette: No. So if you see him, please tell me. Gabrielle: Mm-hmm. Lynette: Thanks. Cold Splash guy #1: Im a romantic. But never pearly white all my hair grows in. Wrinkles leave my skin. But still dont fade. Mike: Yeah, come on. Tonight, we're not a plumber and a masseur and a guy that makes pizzas. We're a rock 'n' roll band right, Dave? Dave: Absolutely. Look, I'm gonna check with the guy about the light cues. Dave: Hey, doc. Dr. Heller: He's in your band?! Dave: Oh. I know. It sounds crazy, but we've worked through everything. It's cool.
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Dr. Heller: No. This is too dangerous. I need to speak to him right now. Dave: Doc, you just have to trust me on this one, okay? Dr. Heller: Now, Dave. I speak to him right now...or I call the police. Cold Splash guy #1: A little bit about Dave: Okay. You win. Come on. [Outside STORAGE EMPLOYEES ONLY] Dr. Heller: I hope you realize...I'm only doing this because I want to help you. I genuinely care about you, Dave. [Inside] Dave: I know you do, Dr. Heller. And I like you. Actually, I like you a lot. Dave: I'm sorry. Cold Splash guy #1: A little bit about yourself Tom: I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I can actually smell our fear. Carlos: If I could see where the exits are, I'd run for 'em. Orson: I can't believe we let Dave talk us into this. Mike: By the way, where is Dave? Susan: Hey, Jackson. Where are you going? The guys are about to start. Jackson: Uh, bathroom. Back in a sec. Waiter: Oh, the men's room's packed, but there's an employee bathroom back there. Jackson: Thank you. Jackson: Hey, Dave, is that the bathroom? Dave: No. I think that's it there. Jackson: Oh. Okay. Thanks. Tom: We're up. Where the hell is Dave? Dave: Sorry. Mike: We thought you ditched us. Where were you? Dave: Needed a little liquid courage. Come on, boys. Let's do it. Audience: (chanting) Odyssey! Odyssey. Warren: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the battle of the bands is back, so please give a big welcome to Blue Odyssey. Odyssey (Mike): Mustang Sally now, baby Porter: Hey Warren. Warren: Yeah? Get up, you little bastard! Lynette: Don't you touch him! Don't you touch him! Go home now! Porter: I know what you did to Anne. Warren: Better listen to your mommy, little boy. Go home. Porter: You're dead. I don't care what it takes. You're dead. Lynette: Stop it! Go on! Go on! Go on! Odyssey (Mike): Youve been running al over town. Lynette: Hitting women and children? You must be so proud. Warren: Lock that door. [Outside]
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Lynette: What were you thinking? You could've gotten hurt in there! Porter: You are responsible for this. Whatever happens is your fault. Odyssey (Mike): Ride, Sally, ride. One of these early mornings, you gonna be wipin your weepin eyes, yeah Edie: Oh, my god! Fire! Carlos: What's--what's happening? Susan: Jackson-- he's in the bathroom. Julie: Oh, there's an exit there. He'll get out. Come on. We have to go now. Jackson: Hey! Hey! Open up! Edie: Gaby! Your friend! Gabrielle: Crap! Gabrielle: Come on. Let's get you out of here. Let's go. Hey, since I'm saving your life and all, you wanna think about maybe keeping us in your will? Virginia: No. Gabrielle: Eh, it was worth a shot. Edie: It's locked. Dave: Look out! Man: Quit pushing! Edie: Come on. Dave: No, I gotta make sure everyone gets out of here. Go! Go! Don't push! One at a time! Susan: Jackson. Jackson. Mike: What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! Susan: Jackson--he's still in there. He's in the bathroom. Mike: I'll get him. Go. Just go. Katherine: Mike Mike: Get out! Go! [Bathroom] Mike: Jackson. Jackson. [Outside] Susan: Jackson. Thank god. Where's mike? Jackson: I don't know. I didn't see him. Is he still in there? Susan: Yeah! He went in there to find you. Dave: What? Mike? Mike's still in there? Edie: Dave, no! [Inside] Mike. Mike. [Outside] Porter: Mom! Dad. Lynette: Aah! Porter, I told you to go home. What are you doing here? Warren: You! You son of a bitch! You did this! Tom: What are you talking about? Stay away from my kid! Warren: Your kid burned down my club.
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Katherine: Susan, do you think he's still in there? Susan: I didn't see him. Edie: Look, my husband's still inside. Fireman: You've gotta go back in there! I'm sorry. That roof is about to collapse. Now please get back. Susan: Someone's coming! Dave: Hang in there. I'm not done with you yet. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There was a fire last night in Fairview. If you open up your morning paper, you can read about those who survivedand those who were injured...those who barely escaped with their lives...and those who didn't. You can also read about a man who risked his life to rescue his neighbor. What you won't read about are the reasons for this bravery Reporter: You're the one who pulled that guy out of the fire. Can I interview you? Mary Alice Voiceover:and that's because...no one ever doubts...a hero. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X09 Me and My Town -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Porter's affair... Anne: Your son loves me, and I love him. Mary Alice Voiceover:... escalated into violence. Porter: Hey, Warren. Warren: Yeah? Porter: I don't care what it takes. You're dead. Mary Alice Voiceover: But the full extent of Dave's rage was realized... Edie: Fire! Mary Alice Voiceover:... during the battle of the bands. Carlos: Uhh! Dave: Mike! Mary Alice Voiceover:and out of the tragedy came a hero. Dave: Hang in there. I'm not done with you yet. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Something awful happened to Gabrielle Solis...And she was reminded of this every time she looked in a mirror...every time she glanced at an old photo...and every time she walked past a man. Yes, Gabrielle knew she had lost her looks. But she tried her best to look on the bright side. After all, what woman needs to be beautiful...when her husband is blind? [Fairview Memorial hospital] Gabrielle: Hi, sweetie. How's our patient? Dr. Bach: Well, he took a pretty nasty fall in the fire last night. But, uh, the C.T. Scan shows no bleeding or
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swelling. Gabrielle: That's it? No concussion? Dr. Bach: Actually, there is something. Carlos: Please tell me it's not my hearing. I'm already down to four senses. Dr. Bach: The scan revealed a tiny bone fragment that may be putting pressure on the optic nerves. Gabrielle: And, what, you're afraid it's gonna impair his vision? I'm sorry. You were saying-? Dr. Bach: The bone fragment might be a remnant from your injury five years ago. Due to its small size, the original scan might have missed it. Carlos: Mm, five years. Can't we just leave it? Dr. Bach: Actually, there is a chance if we remove that bone fragment, you could regain your sight. Carlos: Are you serious? Gabrielle: That's fantastic! Dr. Bach: I'm not promising a slam dunk here. I'm just saying it's possible. Carlos: Doc, two days ago, I spread moisturizer on a cracker. I'd kill for "possible." Dr. Bach: I've spoken with Ted Daniels. He's the best eye surgeon in the state. He says he could fit you in for surgery in about a month. Gabrielle: Oh! Carlos: Oh, my god. Dr. Bach: If this works, I'll finally be able to see my little girls and my gorgeous wife. Gabrielle: Oh. Carlos: This is unbelievable! Thank you. Doctor, thank you very much. Dr. Bach: Ah! Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew she had lost her beauty. She also knew the time had come to get it back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There was a fire in the town of Fairview, and those who had been injured came to recover at Fairview Memorial hospital. By morning, their burns had been bandaged...their broken bones had been set...and their wounds had begun healing. Yes, everyone was well on their way to recovery...except for the man who had started the fire. You see, his suffering was just beginning. [Fairview Memorial hospital] Dave: Sorry. Detective Collins: That's all right. Are you Dave Williams? Dave: Yeah. Detective Collins: I'm Detective Collins. This is Detective Lyons. You have a moment? Dave: Why? Detective Collins: We wanted to talk to you about the fire at the White Horse bar. Detective Lyons: We've been interviewing everyone who was there last night. We were told by an...Orson Hodge that you were onstage with the band when the fire broke out. Dave: Yeah. We had just started when...suddenly the curtains went up. Everything happened really fast after that. Detective Collins: That's okay. We know how hard this has got to be. Dave: So...have they figured out how the fire started? Detective Collins: We know it was Arson.
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Dave: Really? Detective Lyons: It's looking like the point of origin was the storage room off the back hallway. Detective Collins: And there was a body in there, too. Dave: And you think that's the person who started the fire? Detective Collins: No, we don't think so. But this guy was pretty badly burned, so it'll take us a while to identify him. Anyway, if you, uh, remember anything you think we should know, give a call at that number there. All right? Dave: Mm. Detective Lyons: Dave Williams...Aren't you the one who went back in and saved that Delfino guy? Dave: Yeah. Detective Collins: You're an honest to god hero. You should be real proud of yourself. Dave: If you say so. [Mikes ward] Katherine: I would've come sooner, but I burnt the first batch, and I wasn't sure you'd appreciate the irony. Mike: I'm so hungry, I wouldn't have noticed. Hey, can I get a kiss from my cookie? Katherine: Mike! What if someone sees us? Mike: What if they do? You haven't told Susan we're dating yet. Katherine: I'm waiting for the right time. Her friendship's very important to me, and I want to ease her into this. Mike: Okay. I get it. Katherine: See ya. Mike: Just walk out slowly. Give me something to live for. [Hall] Katherine: Susan. Susan: Hi! Katherine: Hi! How's Jackson? Susan: Uh, he's fine, just getting some stitches. Oh. How's...Wait, who are you here to see? Katherine: You know...everybody. So many people in the neighborhood were hurt in the fire. I,I just thought it would be nice to bring them... gifts. Susan: Oh. Crap! I didn't get anyone gifts. But I did give blood, so I'll just remind everybody that I did that. [Mikes ward] Susan: How you feeling? I just gave blood. Mike: Uh, I'm fine, just a little smoke inhalation. How's Jackson doing? Susan: Oh, fine. He just needs some stitches. Ooh, those cookies look delicious. Where'd you get them? Mike: Um...a friend. Have one. Susan: Oh, I shouldn't. They're yours. Mike: You know you want to. Susan: Well, I did just give blood. Oh! Mike: Attractive. Susan: Mm, I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii. Who made 'em? Mike: Um... like I said, a friend. Susan: Yeah. But what friend? Wait. Is this a woman friend? Mike: Um, don't you wanna throw that macadamia nut away? Susan: When I'm done. Don't change the subject. Are you seeing someone? Mike: Why do you care? Susan: I care because you mean a lot to me, and it makes me feel good knowing that two people have found
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love and happiness. So what's her name? Who am I happy for? Mike: Susan, I'm not telling you. Susan: Why not? Mike: Because she wants to tell you herself. Susan: So...I know her? Mike: Whoa, I think my meds just kicked in. I don't know what I'm saying. Susan: You're dating a friend of mine? Mike: Don't be angry, Susan: I'm not, but now you have to tell me who she is. Fine. Have it your way. Oh, if he ever needs a transfusion, you are not allowed to give him my blood. [Aisle] Bree: Hello, Dr. Cominis. How's my husband doing? Dr. Cominis: Well, the x-rays indicate there was no concussion, so I think we're gonna release him today. Bree: Wonderful. The house was too quiet without him. Dr. Cominis: Mm. [Orsons ward] Dr. Cominis: You'll have to wait to talk to him. He's been in a lot of pain, so we gave him something to help him sleep. Bree: Oh, that's all right. I can wait. Mmm, he looks so peaceful. (Orson snores loud) Bree: Goodness. Dr. Cominis: I'm sure if Orson were awake, he'd apologize for that. (Orson snores loud) Dr. Cominis: Has he always snored? Bree: Occasionally, but never quite this... (Orson snores louder) Bree: Robustly. Dr. Cominis: Well, the injury to his septum might've made it worse. But it can be corrected with a simple surgical procedure. (Orson snores louder) Bree: Well, if it's so simple, what are we waiting for? Dr. Cominis: It'll take a few weeks to schedule. So...soon as he wakes up, you can take him home. (Orson snores louder) Bree: At least the house won't be quiet anymore. (Orson snores louder) [Mikes ward] Dave: Hey. I ran into Katherine. She said you wanted to see me about something. Mike: Right. What was it? Thanks for saving my life. Dave: Yeah, well, we all did what we had to do, right? And you went back in for Jackson. Mike: But I ended up passed out on the floor, which, technically, makes me an idiot and you a hero. Dave: People keep saying that. I don't... feel like one. Mike: I would've been dead without you. So...how about free plumbing for the rest of your life? Dave: That sounds fair. Mike: Seriously, you'veyou gotta let me do something to thank you. Dave: Well, ever since my brother died, I haven't had a...really good friend. Think you could handle that job? Mike: I think I could.
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[Clinic] J. Sage MD: The stitches are in. I'll need to see you again in a few days. Would you like some pills for the pain? Tom: Nah. Stitches never bother me. I'll be fine. J. Sage MD: Great. Then let me get another bandage, and we'll be done. Lynette: Thank you. Detective Collins: Mr. and Mrs. Scavo? Can we ask you a few follow-up questions about the fire? Tom: We already told you everything we can remember. Detective Lyons: This will only take a moment. Detective Collins: It's come to our attention that the owner of the club and your son got into a fight minutes before the fire broke out. Now did you witness that? Lynette: I saw a grown man beating up on my teenage boy. What else do you want to know? Detective Collins: During the altercation, did your son threaten to kill Mr. Schilling? Lynette: No. Detective Lyons: Really? Lynette: Well, I was right there, Detective. My son said no such thing. Detective Lyons: You sure? Lynette: Absolutely. Detective Collins: Thank you for your time. Tom: Maybe Im being a little paranoid here, but I sort of got the feeling that you were lying to the police. Lynette, please, tell me that Porter did not threaten to kill Mr. Schilling. Detective Collins: Got the bandage. Lynette: You might wanna go ahead and give him those pain pills, Doc. He's gonna need them. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - porch] Susan: I don't understand. Carlos might get his sight back. You should be thrilled. Gabrielle: I know. It's just...he's been through so much these past five years, and he's never complained. I just think he deserves to open his eyes to a wife who doesn't tuck her boobs into her pants. Susan: Gaby, please. Most women would kill to look like you. Gabrielle: But Im not most women. I was an international fashion model, and that's how Carlos remembers me. Susan: You are still beautiful. So you've gained a little weight. Who hasn't? Don't go by me. I have a weird metabolism. Edie: Hey there! I just heard the good news about Carlos! What's wrong? Susan: Gaby thinks that Carlos isn't gonna find her attractive after he gets his sight back. Edie: That was my first thought, too. Susan: Edie! Gabrielle: It's okay, it's okay. Let her talk. At least she's being honest. It's the kind of support and friendship I need right now. Susan: Fine. You're a pig. Gabrielle: Thank you. God, what am I gonna do? Edie: You're gonna stop whining, for one. You got a month, right? That's plenty of time to go on a diet and start exercising. By the time Carlos gets his eyesight back, you are gonna be looking hot...or hot-ish. Gabrielle: Really? I mean, do you think I could pull this off?
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Susan: Of course, even though I still think you're beautiful just the way you are. Gabrielle: You gonna start that crap again? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: I don't believe it. Lynette: Tom, I was 6 feet away. Porter looked Warren Schilling in the eye and said, "You're dead. I don't care what it takes. You're dead." Tom: That doesn't prove a thing. And I'm sure he didn't mean it. Lynette: Maybe he didn't. But ten minutes later, that nightclub was on fire. Tom: No. No! I know Porter. He wouldn't commit arson just to get back at someone. Lynette: What about Rick's restaurant? Porter and his brother burned that down. Tom: That was five years ago. I mean, they...they were trying to protect us. They... they... nobody got hurt. The building was empty. Lynette: Yes, that time, the building was empty. Tom: This is insane. Lynette, are you actually telling me that our son is a murderer? Lynette: I'm telling you I heard him threaten Warren Schilling. I don't know what happened next. Tom: What if somebody saw him? What if he left behind evidence? What are we gonna do? Lynette: We're going to protect our son. Tom: Even if he killed six people? Lynette: We're going to protect our son. Tom: Okay. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Oh, boy! Who knew healthy food could look so tasty? Okay, dig in. What's wrong? Juanita: It smells like the beach that time they wouldn't let us swim. Gabrielle: It's a recipe I got from a diet magazine. It's....it's fish and broccoli. Juanita: Fish? Gabrielle: Yes. Not all fish is shaped like a stick. Now I know you're not used to it, but give it a try. You're gonna love it. Mmm. Yummy. Juanita: It's still in your mouth. Gabrielle: See? Delicious! Juanita: I want macaroni. Gabrielle: Hey, I'm not a short-order cook. I don't have time to make different meals for everyone. Juanita: It comes in a box. It's not that hard. Gabrielle: Okay, look. Mommy needs to lose a few pounds, and it's not easy eating healthy with you two in front of me, scarfing down all the good stuff. So what do you say? You want to help mommy be beautiful again? Juanita: No. Gabrielle: You got a lot of nerve. Part of the reason I'm on this diet is because carrying you 2 brats for 18 months made mommy fat! And you with the head... you ruined me! So this is how it's gonna go down. You're going to eat this with mommy and you're gonna like it. Got it? Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] TV news: A spokesman from Fairview Memorial Hospital says this latest death raises the total to seven. Edie: Oh, come on. You're watching that again? TV news: Authorities estimate there may have been 100 and...
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Dave: Sorry. Edie: Hey. Are you okay? Dave: I just...This fire...I still can't believe it really happened. I mean, they just said another person died this afternoon. That makes...seven. Edie: Well, if it makes you feel any better, they think they know who did it. Dave: Who? Edie: Well, it's just a rumor, but I hear they're looking at Porter Scavo. Dave: Porter? Why would they think it's him? Edie: I don't know. I guess there was a fight between him and the guy who owns the club. You know, I've known that kid since he was 6 years old, and I always thought he was trouble. And trust me, I'm a really good judge of character. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: You slept on the couch? Why? It's so uncomfortable. Bree: Yes, it is. Sit down. We need to talk. Orson: What's wrong? Bree: Orson, dear, because of the way your nose was broken during the fire, you now snore. Orson: Oh, didn't I snore before? Bree: Good point. Snoring is too mild a word for what you're doing. Imagine a terrified elephant summoning his herd. Orson: You know, Bree, I can't help but take issue with your sarcastic tone. Snoring is not something that I can help. Bree: Not exactly true. The doctor said there's a very simple procedure... Orson: Procedure? Bree: Very routine and...and practically outpatient. Orson: You mean surgery? No way. I had an uncle who died during an "outpatient procedure." He went in for a broken wrist. They put him under. He never woke up. Bree: You don't have an uncle! Orson: Fine. He was more of a family friend. No, the point is, he's still dead, and I am not having unnecessary surgery. Bree: This is absolutely necessary. I am going through a very stressful time. I have interviews, that cooking demonstration at the mall. If I don't get my rest, it could affect the launch of my book. Orson: Oh! Well, that's very reasonable. You get to be best-selling author. I get to be an organ donor. Bree: Orson, if we can't share a bed, it's going to hurt the intimacy of our marriage. Orson: My death will have the same effect. Bree: Oh, Orson, I can't help but take issue with your sarcastic tone. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial hospital Annes ward] Lynette: I hear you're getting discharged today. Are you going back home? Anne: Home? Hmm, let's see...Two cracked ribs, black eye...Nope, got everything I need from there. Lynette: I'm sure you heard about the nightclub burning down. Anne: Yeah, I heard. Lynette: Your husband's blaming Porter. Anne: What? Porter would never do anything like that. What's this? Lynette: I'm helping you help me. This way, you get to start a new life, and I get to not have you around while my son is going through all this.
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Anne: What if I'm not ready to leave? Lynette: Well, then you can face statutory rape charges without the money. Your call. Lynette: I'll pick you up tonight. I'll give you a ride to the bus station. You can count it then. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house - doorway] Susan: Hey, do you wanna take a walk? I need a little girl free time. Katherine: I've got something in the oven, but you can come in if you want. [Inside] Katherine: So...what's on your mind? Susan: Well...It's about Mike. Katherine: Mike? Susan: Yeah. Can you imagine how upset I was when I discovered he's dating a friend of mine? Katherine: Oh, Susan, I'm so... Susan: It's gotta be Lisa Wallace. Katherine: So shocked at Lisa! How dare she?! Susan: You know, she has wanted to get her hooks into Mike for years. Every time she would have us over for a barbecue, she always wore something booby. Katherine: Well, in Lisa's defense, maybe she thinks you're over Mike, which is something I've hear you say more than once. Susan: Well, it doesn't matter. She's my friend. She should've come to me and discussed it first. Katherine: Well, you're not always available. And besides...maybe Lisa was waiting to see if this thing had a future. Susan: All things we can discuss when I knock her teeth out with a pool cue. You know, it's sad when you can't trust a friend. Or maybe the lesson here is that she wasn't really a friend to begin with then. Katherine: What's wrong? [Outside] Katherine: Susan, I swear I was gonna tell you. Susan: It's fine. It's...fine. Katherine: I just didn't think it would be such a big deal. I mean, you're seeing Jackson now. Susan: Yes, I am. You're perfectly right. Katherine: And I've been so lonely lately. Susan: Well, now you're not. Katherine: I know you're mad at me. Would you just please yell at me or something? Oh, damn it. I should've listened to Bree. Susan: Bree? Katherine: Yes. She told me weeks ago I should've told you. Susan: So Bree knew? Katherine: Yes. Susan: Okay. Well, have a nice day. Katherine: So...we're okay then? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - doorway] Susan: You knew about Katherine and Mike? Bree: Oh, god, Susan. Can't this wait till after my nap? Susan: Why didn't you tell me? Bree: I didn't think it was my place. I thought Katherine should tell you.
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Susan: Well, she didn't. Bree: I'm sorry. Susan: Uh, not good enough. You had a million chances to say something and you didn't. That is just the same as lying to my face. You know, I always thought that the one thing I could depend on you for was honesty. What happened to that? Bree: You want honesty? Fine. You didn't want to divorce Mike. You hit a really bad patch after the accident, but you never stopped loving him. And why would you? Your relationship didn't have a natural end. So face it. You're not mad at me or Mike or Katherine. You're mad at yourself for letting your marriage falls apart. Susan: What am I supposed to do? Bree: Either tell Mike how you feel or move on, Because that's what he's trying to do, and it's not fair to stop him. You need to make a decision, Susan. And I need to get back to my nap. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Memorial hospital Carloss ward] Carlos: I know the doctor told us not to get our hopes up... Gabrielle: Huh. Carlos: But I can't help it. My hopes are up. I am gonna see again! Gabrielle: Huh. Huh. Carlos: I knew it. You're excited, too. I can hear it in your voice. Gabrielle: Hi, Dr Bach! How are you? Dr Bach: Hi, Mrs Solis. Carlos: Hey, doc! We are still reeling over the good news. Dr Bach: Well, I have even better news. Dr Daniel's just had a cancellation. He can fit you in next Friday. Gabrielle: Friday?! But you said it would be at least a month. I mean, that's so soon. Carlos: So? Friday's great. Gabrielle: Okay, I didn't wanna have to say this, but you should never have surgery on a Friday. The surgeons are thinking about the weekend. They're all distracted. Next thing you know, you come out of the O.R. still blind and missing your right leg. Carlos: Why are you talking like this? Gabrielle: Also, the surgery is very expensive. We need time to figure out how we're gonna pay for it. Carlos: How about using our insurance? Gabrielle: That only covers 85%. And we are broke. Dr Bach: You know what? The hospital has a foundation to help people in this exact situation. Gabrielle: No. We don't accept charity. Carlos: What? We always accept charity! Gabrielle: Well, I have turned over a new leaf. I'm sorry about the timing, Carlos, but it is what it is. Carlos: Gaby, we are doing this Friday. Now drop it. So you say this guy's good, huh, doc? Dr Bach: Dr Daniels is one of the top guys in the country. Carlos: That's what I like to hear. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - bedroom] Orson: Bree...please let me sleep in my bed. Bree: No. Orson: I promise not to snore. And...and if I do, I will go down to the sofa and stay as long as you say. Bree: And how exactly are you gonna stop snoring? Orson: Well, I read somewhere that chamomile tea helps prevent it. Bree: That doesn't sound right.
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Orson: Well, it's worth a try, right? Look, I'll...I'll brew you a cup, too. Bree: Whatever. Orson: There you go. Drink that up. Bree: All right, but I think I'll be too tired to finish it. That pill I took really kicked in fast. Orson: You took a pill? When did you do that? Bree: When you were downstairs. Orson: Uh, oh, well, then you shouldn't drink this, because the chamomile actually, uh, counteracts the effect of the sleeping pill. Bree: Since when have you become such an expert on chamomile? Orson: Well, the point is, we shouldn't risk it. Bree: Fine. I just know I need my sleep tonight. Orson: That's it. We'll finish that thought tomorrow. -----------------------------------------------------------[Roadside - car] Anne: I, um, don't suppose you'd tell Porter something for me, would you? I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but... I do love your son. He was very sweet to me. Kindness has always...been a weakness of mine. Lynette: Good luck. Anne? When the baby comes, you don't contact Porter. You can contact Tom or me, and we'll do what we can for you from a distance. Understood? Anne: There's no baby. Never was. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: (on phone) Hello? Andrew: (on phone) I just got a call from the lady at the department store. She said that mom's late. Orson: (on phone) Late for what? Andrew: (on phone) For the cooking demonstration. Orson: (on phone) That's today? Andrew: (on phone) Yeah. It was supposed to start ten minutes ago. Look, I'm in Mt. Pleasant right now buying some end tables so you're gonna have to get her there. Orson? [Bedroom] Orson: Bree, honey? Wake up. It's 9:15. Bree: 9:15? Huh? 9:15. Im supposed to be at the mall. Did I forget to set the alarm? Orson: We need to get dressed. I'll get you some clothes. Bree: I'm so thirsty. Orson: Well, I'll bring you some juice. Bree: That's all right. I'll just drink this tea. Orson: Bree. Bree: What? Orson: On second thought, you need coffee. -----------------------------------------------------------[Department store] Orson: Almost there. All right, coffee time. Bree: Enough coffee. It's not working, anyway. It must be decaf. Orson: No, it's a triple espresso. Bree: I just don't understand why I feel so loopy.
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Orson: Hmm. Very mysterious. Look, Bree, all you gotta do is whip up a few pancakes, hand out some advance copies of your book, and we're out of here. Do you think you can handle that? Bree: Of course I can. You are such a nervous Nellie, Rex. Host: Oh, and here's the lady who's gonna teach us how to make her traditional buckwheat pancakes...Bree Van de Kamp. Thank you for joining us. Bree: Thank you for having me to your lovely home. Host: Bree, um, your book is about so much more than just recipes, isn't it? Bree: Yes, my book is about food and families and how food brings families together when they make food. It's mothers teaching daughters how to cook. So I'm gonna cook pancakes with my daughter, only she's not here because she grew up and stole my baby. So...who wants to be my daughter? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: (on phone) Hello? It's me. I just wanted to tell you...I've been thinking about it, and, um, I'm okay with you dating Mike. Katherine: (on phone) You are? You don't hate me? Susan: (on phone) No...and I think it's great. Katherine: (on phone) Oh, Susan, thank you. I was so worried. I just...I didn't know what I'd do if I lost you as a friend. Susan: (on phone) Oh. Well, you haven't. Just treat him well, okay? He's a really good guy. Katherine: (on phone) I will. Hey, um, I was just about to make a Cappuccino. You wanna come over? Susan: (on phone) Uh...no, thanks. Im really busy. I have a lot of things to do today. Another time though, okay? Bye. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house twins room] Porter: (on phone) Just call me back, okay? I really need to talk to you. Lynette: Who's that? Porter: Nobody. Just a kid at school. I lent him my bus pass. Lynette: Oh. Listen, we need to talk. Porter: What's up? Lynette: I have to ask you something, and it is very important that you tell me the truth. Porter: Okay. Lynette: Did you set that fire at the nightclub? Before you answer, let me say that if you did, I promise, your father and I will stand behind you and try and find some way out of this nightmare. But if you lie to me, and I find out later that you...killed...those people...Well, I will love you. That will never change, but I won't believe in you anymore, and if I...don't believe in you...I can't help you. We have to tell each other the truth from here on out. Porter: Mom...I don't know who set the fire, but it wasn't me. Lynette: Of course it wasn't. Of course. Then we're gonna be okay, as long as you keep telling the truth. Everything's gonna be fine. Porter: Mom? There is one thing I lied about. Lynette: What? Porter: When you walked in, I was leaving a message for Anne. Lynette: Oh. Porter: She hasn't returned my calls, and the hospital said she checked out. Do you have any idea where she is?
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Lynette: No. Sweetie, I don't. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house bedroom] Carlos: You know what I'm really excited about? Christmas lights. I might be able to see Christmas lights again and holiday decorations. Man, I really miss that stuff. Gabrielle: Yeah, well, let's keep our fingers crossed. Ow! Carlos: You okay? Gabrielle: Yeah. It's my hamstring. I've just been working out. Carlos: You want me to rub it? Gabrielle: No, no, you rest. You're gonna have surgery in a couple days. Carlos: I know. I can't wait. Gabrielle: You know, Carlos, I know you're really excited to see Christmas decorations again, but...I just want you to be prepared because...Well, some of those lights may have lost their luster. Carlos: So should we buy new decorations? Gabrielle: No, I'm talking about me. I may have lost my luster. Carlos: Come on. I'm always gonna find you beautiful. I told you that. Gabrielle: Yeah, that's when you thought you were gonna be blind forever. But if this operation works, I just don't want you to be disappointed. Carlos: Oh, come here. Did I ever tell you when I knew I was gonna marry you? Gabrielle: First time you saw me on the runway. Carlos: No, that's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. No, I knew I was gonna marry you the night we went to that restaurant on third street. Gabrielle: Mmm, I remember that place. Carlos: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress. And you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto, up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair. And when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. Well, you pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it...and I thought to myself, now that is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you, and it had nothing to do with your looks. Gabrielle: You know when I decided I wanna be with you forever? Carlos: No. When? Gabrielle: About two seconds ago. Up until then, it was pretty touch-and-go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Cominis office] Dr. Cominis: So what can I do for you? Bree: Well, my husband has agreed to the procedure you suggested. Dr. Cominis: Oh, the one to alleviate his snoring? Bree: Yes, that's the one. So anytime you wanna get in there and start hacking away, he's ready for you. Aren't you, love? Orson: Yes, dear. Dr. Cominis: Well, how is two weeks from Friday? Bree: Well, Fridays are when Orson plays golf. So Friday's perfect. Right, Orson? Orson: Right...dear. Dr. Cominis: I'm sorry, Mr. Hodge. I'm sensing you're a bit apprehensive about the surgery. Bree: Oh, he's not apprehensive. He's terrified. And I don't care, because he owes me one...a big one. Don't you, darling?
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Orson: I sure do. Dr. Cominis: I'm sorry. What's going on here? Bree: Are you married, Dr. Cominis? Dr. Cominis: No, but I just moved in with someone. Bree: Well, over time, you'll learn that there's a balance of power in relationships, and if your beloved ever pulls a nasty trick on you, like say, drugging you into a stupor, then the balance of power shifts to you, and then you can demand they prove their love by, say, undergoing surgery. Do you understand? Dr. Cominis: Not really. Bree: You will. Come along, Orson. Dr. Cominis: (on phone) Hey, hon, listen, can you promise me something? Tell me we'll never grow into one of those insane couples that just lives to make each other crazy. Andrew: Well, no worries there. You already make me crazy. Oh, hey, guess what? I, uh, I picked up our new end tables today. Yeah, hurry home. I want you to see them. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: If you walk through Fairview Memorial Hospital, you will encounter all sorts of people doing their best to recover. It might be a husband licking his wounds after a marital battle...or two parents rallying from an attack of doubt. It might be a wife who's been cured of low self-esteem...or a pair of lovers who find honesty to be the best medicine. Sadly, you will also find some poor souls afflicted with a condition they will never recover from. [Fairview Memorial hospital] Dave: Detectives, I heard you were still here, interviewing people, and I have...something to tell you. Detective Lyons: Okay. Dave: The night of the fire...I was back by the storage room. Detective Collins: Yes? Dave: And I saw somebody come out...a kid who lives on my block. His name is Porter Scavo. You asked me to tell you if I remembered anything, and...I remembered that. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X10 A Visions Just a Vision -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: A tragic event... Mary Alice Voiceover: led to the end of a marriage... Susan: He's dating a friend of mine. Mary Alice Voiceover: and the complications of moving on. Mary Alice Voiceover: Medical wonders occurred... Dr. Bach: If we remove that bone fragment, you could regain your sight. Mary Alice Voiceover: both large and small. Bree: My husband has agreed to the procedure you suggested. Dr. Cominis: Oh, the one to alleviate his snoring? Dave: Detectives...
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Mary Alice Voiceover: And a devastating lie was told. Dave: the night of the fire, I saw somebody come out. His name is Porter Scavo. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Mary Alice Voiceover: One morning, it occurred to Lynette Scavo she could not remember the last time her family had breakfast together. So Lynette did what any mother would do in that situation... Porter: See ya later, mom. Lynette: The first person who steps foot out that door will lose a leg. Mary Alice Voiceover: she threatened her family with violence. Preston: That was delicious. But I did promise Chrissy I'd walk her to school today. Lynette: Oh, you are such a gentleman. Sit your ass down. Preston: Dad, make mom let me go. Tom: Everyone at this table who thinks I have the power to make your mom do anything, raise your hand. Wish I could have helped. Lynette: Look, this family has been through a lot lately, and your dad and I feel we'll be better parents if we know what's going on in your lives. So, Parker, how's that science project you've been working on? Tom: Hey. Can I help you? Policeman: Is this the residence of Porter Scavo? Tom: Yeah. Why? Porter: I'm Porter Scavo. Policeman: Sir, can you step outside? Can you step outside? Porter Scavo, you are under arrest. Tom: What? Policeman: You have the right to remain silent. Lynette: Wait. What's going on? Policeman: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to step back. Tom: Okay, guys. Look, if this is about Warren Schilling's bar, Porter had nothing to do with that fire. Policeman: Apparently, there's a witness that says otherwise. Lynette: A witness? I-Policeman: Now will you please step back and let us do our job? If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you. Lynette: A witness? What are they talking about? Tom: It's gonna be okay. We'll call a lawyer. We'll get through this. Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette Scavo couldn't remember the last time her family had breakfast together... Parker: I guess we're done talking about my science project, huh? Lynette: Yes, sweetie, we are. Mary Alice Voiceover: and she couldn't know it would be many years before her family would have breakfast together again. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Mary Alice Voiceover: It's an awful thing to live in the dark, unable to see what others take for granted. But sometimes for a lucky few, a flicker of light pierces that darkness and brings with it the promise of better days to come. Dr. Martin: Do you see anything?
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Carlos: I see light...and some fuzzy shapes. Gabrielle: That's it? Dr. Martin: That's all he can expect to see right now, but if he's able to see that much, it won't be long till his full sight returns. Gabrielle: Can you see me, babe? Carlos: Just your silhouette. I can tell you cut your hair short. It kinda makes your ears stick out, but I like it. Gabrielle: Carlos, that's the doctor. I'm right here. Carlos: It doesn't matter. I can see something other than nothing. Oh, this is a good day. Dr. Martin: Now remember, his eyes will be very sensitive for the next few weeks, so low light indoors, dark glasses outside-Gabrielle: Uh, doctor, we are very grateful, so don't take this the wrong way, but... -----------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Cominis office] Dr. Cominis: Well, your septum looks great, and you say your snoring's gone. I think we're in good shape. Orson: Will we need to come in for a follow-up? Dr. Cominis: No. I think we're done. You know, I always tell my patients I'm gonna miss them, but this time, I really mean it. Bree: Oh, we feel the same way about you. You've been lovely. Dr. Cominis: Please excuse me. Orson: What are you doing? Bree: Leaving the man a thank-you card. Orson: For a doctor? Bree: He helped you through a very difficult time. The least we can do is let him know how much we appreciate...What the hell is this? -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews apartment] Bree: You're living with the man? Since when? Andrew: Um, Alex moved in six months ago. Bree: Why the secrecy? Did you think I'd disapprove? The man's a doctor, for heaven sakes. You've done better than I did. Orson: That was a bit of a drive-by. Bree: I'm just trying to understand how my son could keep a secret like this from his own mother. Andrew: Mom, uh, come on. I mean, since I came out, you haven't shown the slightest interest in my love life. Bree: Of course I have. Andrew: Handing me a pamphlet on the resurgence of gonorrhea? That's not what I'm talking about. Think about it. Have you even once asked if I was dating someone? Bree: Well... Andrew: You see? You didn't really want to know. That's why I didn't tell you. Bree: Well, I want to know now, so that's why I'm having you and Alex over to dinner tomorrow night. Andrew: What? Bree: Yes. If he's a part of your life, I want to get to know him. I think I'll serve fish. Andrew: Actually, I said it wrong. Um, I-I think it's kind of cool the way that you ignore my love life. Bree: Nice try. Tell Alex we dress for dinner. Andrew: Mom, please don't. Bree: Andrew, you can't criticize my parenting and then deny me the chance to make up for it. Orson and I will expect you at 8:00.
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Andrew: Okay. Orson: Are you sure you want me there, too? I mean, after all, I'm only a dentist. Bree: Oh, for god sakes, Orson. Let it go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: M.J. ,hurry up. Your dad's here. Hey, Katherine. What are you doing here? Katherine: Well, I'm a big zoo fan, and when Mike said he was taking M.J., I asked if I could tag along. Mike: So is that okay? Susan: Of course. Why wouldn't it be okay? I think it's...great. Really, really great. Susan: Sweetie, good news. Katherine's gonna go to the zoo with you. M.J.: Why does she have to go? Susan: Well, she and your daddy are friends, and the more, the merrier. M.J.: I just want daddy. Mike: Oh, you got me, pal. Hey, we're all gonna have a great time, and we'll show Katherine that funny swing the monkey goes on. Katherine: Oh, that sounds so cool. Will you show me that? M.J.: I guess. Mike: Okay. Let's go. Susan: Oh, don't forget his coat. Katherine: I'll find some way to get him to like me. Susan: I'm sure you will. Katherine: Boy, I'll bet the gift shop at the zoo just loves divorce. -----------------------------------------------------------[Police station] Tom: So...how you doing, son? Porter: Not so good. Tom: Okay, well, don't worry. Bob here has agreed to represent you. Bob: And when we're done here, I'm going to go to the D.A. And we're going to start talking about bail. But first, I gotta ask you a few questions. Lynette: Like why do the police have a witness? Tom: Lynette. Lynette: The D.A. says you were spotted coming out of the storage room right before the fire started. What gives? Porter: I don't know what they're talking about. I have an alibi. Tom: You do? G-great. Great. Bob: Why haven't you told anyone this? Porter: It's just...so embarrassing. Lynette: You are up for manslaughter, and you're worried about being embarrassed? Bob: If we can verify your story, I can probably get the charges dropped. We wouldn't even need bail. So where were you? Porter: I was at Edie Britt's. Tom: Oh, please. Tell me you're not having sex with her, too. Porter: Dad. Tom: What is wrong with girls your own age? Do you know what I would give to date a 17-year-old? Lynette: Okay, we're gonna talk about that later. You were saying?
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Porter: I'm not having sex with Edie. After I left the club, I went to her house, but only so I could break in and steal her gun. Lynette: Why would you do that? Porter: Mr. Schilling beat up Anne and then humiliated me. I wanted to s-scare the hell out of him just to wipe that smug look off his face. But when I got back to the club, it was on fire, so I went home and hid the gun in mom's flour jar. Anyway that's my alibiThink that'll help? Lynette: Did anyone see you do this? Porter: No. Lynette: Then this is really not an alibi. It's more a confession to another crime. Porter: Aw. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Edie: Well, you missed it. Dave: Missed what? Edie: Porter Scavo got arrested today. I knew he set that fire. Dave: Poor Lynette. Edie: "Poor Lynette," my ass. Poor seven people who got burned to death. Boy. I wouldn't wanna be in Lynette's shoes right now. Can you imagine what she's going through? I mean, he is her son, so she's kind of responsible. God, the guilt she must be feeling. Edie: Dave, what the hell? You-you're bleeding. Okay, come on. In the house. Let's get this cleaned up. Come here. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: You're just gonna sneak it back into Edie's house? What, are you crazy? Lynette: Tom, if you're gonna freak out, can you do that in the other room? I'm kind of busy here. Tom: What has happened to us? I mean, w-we're posting bail, returning stolen guns-- when did this become our life? Lynette: If Edie reports this gun missing, you don't have to be the sharpest cop on the force to figure out where to start looking, and that's the last thing we need right now. Tom: Thank god for you, Lynette. You always know what to do in a crisis. Lynette: Well, I try. Tom: You're my rock. Lynette. You know that, don't you? Lynette: Tom, your rock is trying to get fingerprints off a weapon. You mind? Thanks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house] Susan: You're home kind of early. Is everything okay? Mike: Go up to your room. I'll come in in a minute. We'll talk about what happened. Susan: What did happen? Mike: Well, M.J. threw his hot fudge sundae at Katherine. Susan: Seriously? That's terrible. Is she okay? Mike: Well, she's got nuts and whipped cream all in her hair, and that little plastic coconut bowl scratched her forehead. Susan. Susan: I'm sorry. The--the image in my mind is probably way funnier than what actually happened. Why did M.J. do that? Mike: I don't know. Katherine and I were talking about spending Christmas in Bermuda, and she said she didn't want to go, 'cause she thinks she doesn't look good in a bathing suit, and I said she could be on the
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cover of "sports illustrated," and bam! M.J. throws his dessert. Susan: That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Mike: Well, he is only 5. Susan: No, I'm talking about that line you fed her. "Sports illustrated"? What's the issue about, the senior Olympics? Mike: I'm going to talk to M.J. Susan: I mean, I could see her on the cover of "Menopause monthly." -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Banner: Congratulations, Carlos. Carlos: Everything is still a little blurry. I can only make out, like, shapes and shadows. But in a week or so, everything should be clear as a bell. Susan: The whole thing's like a miracle. Carlos: And Gaby has been so patient through all of this. She's really been an angel. Gabrielle: Damn it, Carlos. What are you, a moron? Carlos: Ah, I hear a little voice from heaven now. Gabrielle: Why aren't you wearing your blackout glasses? The doctor says your eyes can't be exposed to any light. I can only handle my husband going blind once per marriage. Carlos: Whoops. Was that my baseball? Susan: Yeah. I got it. Carlos: What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? Susan: Uh, yeah. It's...round. Carlos: Look at it. It was signed by Lou Gehrig. Susan: Oh, looky there. Lou Gehrig. Carlos: It was a gift passed down from my grandfather to my father then to me. Gabrielle: It was? I didn't know that. I thought it was some stupid collectors item. Carlos: No. That's why I wouldn't let you sell it when we were low on cash. Gabrielle: Uh, Carlos, I think it's time to put your eyedrops in. Why don't you go do that? Carlos: Excuse me, ladies. Gabrielle: Oh, don't look at me that way. I did what I had to do. Bree: Gaby, you never sell a man's autographed baseball. Gabrielle: The car needed tires. How was I supposed to know he was gonna get his sight back? I mean, of all the rotten luck. Susan: Who did you sell the ball to? Gabrielle: I don't know. Some Italian guy. Hey, Mike's into baseball. He must know someone who can track down this Lou Gehrig guy and get him to sign a new one. What? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house front yard] Tom: It's okay. Lynette: What's going on? Is there news? Tom: The judge just set bail. Lynette: Oh, thank god. How much? Bob: 20,000. Lynette: That's high. Where are we gonna get that kind of money? Tom: I guess we'll have to tap our emergency fund. We've got 14 grand in there. We've got another 800 more
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in the Christmas club. Look, we'll scrape it together. (cellphone rings) Oh, god. G--I gotta get to the restaurant. Lynette, can you go to the bank and take care of that? Lynette: Oh, sure. Tom: Okay. Good. Thank you. Bob: Okay, well, I'll notify the judge that you intend to post bail. Lynette: Wait. Slow down. Bob: What? Lynette: You're my lawyer, so anything I tell you is in confidence, right? Bob: Well, technically, I'm Porter's lawyer, so don't--just go with me on this. There is no emergency fund. Lynette: I gave that money to Anne Schilling so she'd leave town, and Tom has no idea. Bob: Okay, just so I have this straight, you paid off a potential witness to get her to flee? Lynette: Hey. Whose lawyer are you anyway? Bob: Again, I'm Porter's--Lynette: What am I supposed to do? Where am I gonna get that bail money? Bob: You could go to a bail bondsman, put up the house as collateral. Lynette: No. The house is mortgaged to the teeth. Bob: Well, there is the restaurant. Lynette: I guess I have no other choice. But again, this is all in the strictest confidence. Remember, you are my lawyer, not Tom's. Bob: Actually, Lynette, I'm-Lynette: Shut up! -----------------------------------------------------------[The Italian businessmans house] Gabrielle: So you see, it belonged to my husband's grandfather, and if I don't get it back, I am telling you, I'm gonna be in the crapper. Businessman: Per nulla! Gabrielle: Per nulla? What does that mean? Secretary: Per nulla means "no way." I'm sorry. Gabrielle: Oh, please. This is important. Secretary: Va bene, va bene! Gabrielle: What? What's he saying? Secretary: He'd like to watch you dance... Gabrielle: What? Secretary: on the table. Gabrielle: Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna have to call a big, fat per nulla on that one. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: Hi, Lynette. Lynette: Hey. Dave: So sorry about Porter. If there's anything that we can do... Lynette: Well, actually, I wanted to borrow Edie's yellow sweater for the, uh, arraignment. Dave: Yeah. Sorry. Edie's not here. Lynette: Well, is it okay if I go up and get it? Dave: Yeah. Sure. Go ahead. Lynette: Thanks. Dave: Please. You have to leave. This isn't a good time, okay? Fine. I'll--I'll come see you tomorrow. Just
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know that I still love you, and that'll never change. Never change. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Well, let me start by saying, it's so nice to see you in a social setting, Dr. Cominis. Alex: Oh, please. I insist you call me Alex now. Bree: All right then, Alex. Oh, look at you two, sitting so far apart. Scootch over. Andrew: Uh, mom, w-wewe don't need to scootch. Bree: Well, I just want you to know, if you need to scootch, Alex, I am okay with scootching and...the rest of it. Andrew: Uh, look, mom, as much as we appreciate your tolerance, uh, we can wait until we get home to make out. Bree: Well, I just want you boys to know that I am comfortable with your lifestyle. Now who would like a strawberry daiquiri? Andrew: Are--are you expecting someone? Bree: Well, Orson and I thought it would be nice to share this special occasion with some dear friends. Andrew: Bob and Lee? What, are you sponsoring a float? Orson: Bree, you handle the introductions, and I will check on dinner. Bree: Bob Hunter, Lee Mcdermott, I would like you to meet Andrew's new life partner, Dr. Alex Cominis. Lee: A doctor. Bree: He's a plastic surgeon. Lee: You hear that, Bob? Bob: I like my eyes the way they are. Lee: You're so touchy. (to Alex) Have we met? Alex: Not that I recall. Bob: No, we have. I-I can't think where, though. Bree: I hear the gym is a popular meeting place. Bob: No, it's not that. Lee: Oh. My mistake. I must--I must have you confused with someone else. Orson: Dinner's ready. Shall we? Bob: Not so fast. Do you know that guy? Lee: Yes. Bob: Oh, my god. You're right. It is him. Hmm. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Carlos, what's wrong? Carlos: Gaby, I can see them. Gabrielle: What? Carlos: I can make out colors and shapes. Everything's starting to come into focus. Gabrielle: Oh, my god. That's wonderful! Carlos: Look at all my girls. Oh, you're right. She does look like mama. Gabrielle: Oh, I told you. Juanita: Daddy, now you can watch me dance. Carlos: I know. I can't wait. Carlos: Oh, it's amazing. I can make out almost everything--the fireplace, our dining table. Where's the painting that we bought in Greece? Gabrielle: Oh. I had to sell it a few months ago so I could make the mortgage. I'm sorry. Carlos: I don't care about things. I can see my family. That's what's important.
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Gabrielle: Really? That makes me feel so much better. You wouldn't believe all the stupid things I've been worried about. Carlos: Like what? Gabrielle: Oh, it's silly. I sold that baseball of yours. But you're right. You can see, and that's all that matters. Carlos: You sold my Lou Gehrig baseball? Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's just a thing. We don't care about things. Carlos: Right, right. But it was my father's and his father's before him. Gabrielle: Yeah, and I know that now, but...Juanita, dance for your dad. Carlos: Juanita, actually, why don't you take your sister and, uh, go to the kitchen and get some cookies? I'll be there in a minute. Carlos: This is a very special day for all of us, so I'm not gonna get mad. Uh, I'm just gonna say that I don't know what was going through that featherhead of yours, but I want that baseball back. Got it? Gabrielle: Hey, this featherhead kept this family afloat for five years. You have no idea what I had to do to keep this roof over our heads. Carlos: Look, there were two things that I asked you not to sell-- my baseball and my watch. Gabrielle: I didn't sell your watch. Carlos: Only because you couldn't get it off my wrist, you little thief. Gaby, you lied. I want that baseball back, and you're gonna get it. And you might want to lower the middle finger. I can see now, remember? Gabrielle: Right. Damn. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house dining room] Alex: Bree, that was hands-down the best dinner I've ever had in my life. Bree: You are so sweet. Orson: You know, Bree is the number one caterer in Fairview. Alex: Oh, that's right. Do you do weddings? Ow. I wasn't gonna say anything. Bree: Say anything about what? Andrew: Uh, nothing. Nothing. Alex: We're gonna have to tell them sometime. Bree: Oh, my goodness, are you two... Yes, yes. We're...we're getting married. And I hate you. Lee: Oh, my god. Bob: Congratulations. Orson: Oh, my god. Alex: See how excited they are? Why would you wanna keep it a secret? Bree: I am gonna handle everything for this wedding. That's why. Andrew: Bree: Now let me give my new son-in-law a hug. Bob: Butt out. Bree: Well, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go get a pie that you are going to love. And you two are going to help me. [Kitchen] Bree: All right, you two, what is going on? Bob: What are you talking about? Bree: Don't give me that. You've been whispering to each other all night. You obviously know Alex. How? Bob: It's not important. Bree: The man is going to marry my son. If there is something about him I should know, I want to hear it now,
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please. Bob: We think we saw him in...an adult movie. Bree: By "adult," you mean complex and sophisticated? Lee: No, we mean gay porn. Bree: What? Bob: We saw this movie, "Rear deployment." All the actors played soldiers. Lee: Bob likes uniforms, so... Bob: Oh, thank you. Bree: No, no, no. This can't possibly be true. The man is a doctor. Are you sure? Bob: Well, we might be wrong. Lee: No. We rented it last month. We paid the late charges. Trust me. That's him. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Edie: I just dont think they should advertise something with a lifetime guarantee if it's gonna break after four months. Susan: Or maybe you used your corkscrew as much in four months as most people do in a lifetime. Ever think of that? (The doorbell rings.) Edie: Your mommy lashes out at people prettier than she is. You ever notice that? Susan: Hi. Mike: Hey. Susan: Hey, Katherine. What a cute top. Edie: So, uh, where you guys off to? Mike: Bowling. Come on, buddy. Let's get your jacket. Susan: By the way, uh, I don't think you're gonna have any problem. I had a little talk with M.J. Katherine: Sure you did. Susan: What is that supposed to mean? Katherine: It means things will be a lot easier with M.J. If you weren't talking trash about me and mike dating. Susan: What? I don't do that. Katherine: Really? M.J. always liked me before, and then I start seeing Mike, and suddenly, I'm taking incoming rocky road. Mike: All right. Let's go knock over some pins. See you, ladies. Edie: Bye. Susan: What? I have never said a negative word about them dating ever. Edie: I believe you. It's just-- you don't have to say anything. It's the way you act when she's around. Kids pick up on that stuff. Susan: What do you mean, the way I act? Edie: "Oh, Katherine, what a cute top." Kid translation-- "Have a nice time at the bowling alley with my ex, whore." Susan: Okay. It-it's a little uncomfortable, is whole situation. I mean, if M.J.'s picking up on it, how am I supposed to fix that? Edie: Well, I didn't say anything about fixing it. Two of my friends involved in a nasty catfight...I live for that stuff. Thanks for the corkscrew. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Bowling alley] Katherine: There you go, sweetie. Is that tight enough? M.J.: I guess. Katherine: What is going on? Why were you on the phone so long? Mike: Um, Susan's coming. Katherine: What? Why? Mike: Well, she wants M.J. to see us all having a good time together. That way, he might be more accepting of you and me. Katherine: I suppose it's not a terrible idea. Mike: Well, I think it's a good idea. She feels like she's been sending the wrong signals, and she wants to make up for it. Katherine: Well, it's nice of her to try, but just how much of a show was she planning to put on for-Susan: Hey, everybody! Are we ready to have the best time ever? -----------------------------------------------------------[Pleasure ground] Porter: Don't fall down, okay? I'm not carrying you home. Peney: I'm fine. Stop worrying. Warren: Look who just got bailed out. You got a lot of balls, kid. You nail my wife, you break up my family, you burn down my business. Porter: I didn't burn down your club. And you can accuse me all you want, but I'm not going to jail. Warren: If I were you, I'd want to go there. It's a hell of a lot safer. Otherwise, someday, you'll be walking home from school or work or your buddy's house, and you'll just...disappear. Poof! And if they ask me about it, you know what I'm gonna tell 'em? I was at the movies. Enjoy your freedom. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bowling alley] M.J.: Um, so right down the middle... Katherine: Okay. M.J.: No gutter balls. Katherine: Right. Mike: They're getting along great, huh? Susan: You're welcome. Mike: I admit it. You being here does seem to be helping. Susan: You're welcome. Mike: Okay, let it go. God, look at him. Remember when he needed one of those little kiddie balls the size of a cantaloupe? He's getting so big. Susan: I know. You know, that Colts jersey you bought him doesn't fit anymore. Mike: No. God. Katherine: I'm gonna try it. Mike: How did that little peewee we brought back from the hospital turn into this bruiser? Katherine: Mike, I need you. I got another split. Mike: What did I say about aiming the ball? Katherine: I don't remember. Come show me. Mike: Um, be right there. Katherine: Aw -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews apartment]
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Bree: Hey there. Do you have a second? Andrew: Now where did you get that? Bree: A video store I will never return to. Are you aware that one of the stars of this film is-Andrew: Yes. I know about Alex's movie, mom. Bree: You do? Andrew: Yeah. He told me a long time ago. He calls it the biggest mistake he's ever made. Bree: Why would he-Andrew: Well, he couldn't afford the tuition to med school, and he was approached by this so-called director, and well, he...Anyway, I would appreciate it if you didn't let on that you know. Bree: And you're okay with this? Andrew: Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, we both know that I have sort of an interesting past myself. So, you know, uh, glass houses, stones. Not to mention the fact that I-I love him...very much. Bree: So...he's the one? Andrew: Yes, mom. Even with his sordid past, he's the one. Why did you bring this here? Bree: You're going to marry him. I thought he wasn't being honest with you. I wanted to protect you, so I Andrew: So you decided to meddle in my love life? Bree: Yes. Andrew: You know what, mom? This might be about the nicest thing you've ever done for me. All right. I mean, not every boy can say that his mother's willing to rent gay porn for them. Bree: Yes. Which reminds me, that needs to be back by 3:00.Could you? Andrew: Absolutely. Uh, you gotta avoid those late fees. Oh, you know, um, you know, I can have Alex autograph this for you if you want. Bree: Just take it back. -----------------------------------------------------------[The Italian businessmans house] Secretary: Oh, Mrs. Solis, may I help you with something? Gabrielle: Get your boss. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: There. Carlos: You got it back. Why are you limping? Gabrielle: Fell off a table. Don't want to talk about it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Court - lobby] Lynette: What took you so long? Bob: I just wanted to coach Porter a little bit before the arraignment. Tom: What's he doing? Bob: He needed some time to himself. I'll meet you inside. You might want to give him a moment. I think he's pretty nervous. Lynette: That's because he's Preston. Tom: What? Oh, crap! Preston: Hey, mom, dad. Lynette: Hey, Preston. Preston: Aw, you know? Tom: Of course we know.
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Lynette: What the hell is going on? Where's Porter? Preston: He took off. Tom: What? Preston: He was scared out of his mind. He didn't know what to do, so he left town and asked me if I'd help him give him a head start. Lynette: Do you have any idea how bad this is? We had to post bail. If the judge finds out porter skipped town, we're gonna lose...a lot. Bob: Guys. Guys, they're calling us. Tom: Well, you know what? He's gonna find out right now, because you are not going in there. I'd rather forfeit the bail than risk having two of my kids go to jail. Lynette: Tom Tom: No, Bob will just tell the judge what happened. We'll take the hit and we'll go forward. It's just money. Lynette: It's not just money. Tom: What are you talking about? Bob: Hey. Come on. We're up. Lynette: Okay, look...you know how you're always saying I know what to do in a crisis? Tom: Yeah. Lynette: Here's what we're gonna do. Youno questions. You--you're Porter now. Let's go in. Come on. Come on. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: You like it? Gabrielle: It's beautiful. Where'd it come from? Carlos: I bought it today. It's yours. Gabrielle: What? We can't afford this. Carlos: I sold the baseball. You never told me things had gotten so bad. Gabrielle: You were blind and depressed. I didn't wanna add to it. Carlos: Thank you for taking such good care of us. I plan on spending the rest of my life making it up to you. First thing tomorrow I'm selling my watch so I can buy you some new shoes to go with that dress. Gabrielle: You should know that watch is a knockoff. I sold the real one two years ago to get the roof fixed. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: So how is Katherine's foot? Mike: Well, she's kinda got a psychedelic toenail, but she'll be fine...which doesn't excuse what you did, mister. What's going on? Susan: Sweetie, if you're worried that I don't like your daddy spending time with Katherine, don't be. I think it's great. M.J.: But they can't be together. Mike: Why not? M.J.: 'Cause you and mommy are getting back together. Mike: What? M.J.: That's what mommy said. Mike: UmHey, I've got an idea. Why don't you go make a get-well card for Katherine's foot? M.J.: Okay. Mike: Good. Susan: I can totally explain this. I swear.
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Mike: I'm listening. Susan: It was--I don't know, uh, about a month after you moved out. It was bedtime. I was trying to read to him, but he only wanted you. And he was crying so hard, and he kept asking me if you were ever coming back, and so I finally...said maybe you would. I just didn't want him to be so sad. Mike: Oh, Susan. Susan: I didn't even think he'd remembered it. Mike: Of course he remembers it. How could you say that to him? Susan: Because we have never said it. Mike: What? Susan: We've never looked each other in the eye and said that there is no chance we are ever getting back together. Mike: O-okay. Maybe we haven't, but we moved on. Susan: Did we? Mike: Susan, what are you doing? You're with Jackson now. I'm with Katherine. What are you doing? Susan: I don't know. I...You don't ever think about it? Mike: I've gotta go check on Katherine. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It's an awful thing to live in darkness, unable to see what others take for granted. But if we are lucky, the darkness lifts and we can finally see the secret sacrifices made by our wives...the surprising progress made by our mothers...or the unintended consequences of our own actions. But there are those who prefer the darkness, because there, they see only what they choose to see. [Cemetery] Dave: I know it must seem like I've forgotten about you, but you have to know, I think about you every day. I live for you, just like always. But I have a plan, so I hope you can wait a little longer. I'll be with you soon, but first Mike Delfino has to pay for taking you away from me, and I need just the right moment to do it. He destroyed what I loved the most, and I want him to feel that hurt. I want him to lose what I lost. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X11 Home Is The Place -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Alex: Do you do weddings? Bree: Oh, my goodness. Are you two... Andrew: Yes. Yes, we're getting married. Lee: Oh, my god! Wow. Mary Alice Voiceover: Those in love made the next step...or tried to. Jackson: I need more from you. Carlos: Gaby, I can see them. Gabrielle: That's wonderful! Oh! Mary Alice Voiceover: Eyes were opened in more ways than one... Mrs. McCluskey: The key is this doctor guy. Mrs. McCluskey: Maybe we should just bite the bullet and go to Boston.
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Warren: You break up my family. You burn down my Business. Parker: I didn't burn down your club. Mary Alice Voiceover: And a threat was made. Warren: Someday, you'll be walking home from school, and you'll just disappear. Poof! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Mary Alice Voiceover: There are important events in the history of every family...Joyous births...Tragic deaths...Sublime weddings. But the one event every family dreads is the moment when they finally meet... the in-laws. Andrew: Mom, this is Alex's mom Melina Cominis. Bree: It's a pleasure to meet you. Melina: Likewise, and thanks again for letting me stay here. I just can't afford a motel right now. Bree: Oh, Alex mentioned that you were laid off from your job. I'm so sorry. Melina: Oh, that's okay. You know what they say - in a bad economy, the mature cocktail waitress is the first to go. Bree: Really? They say that? Alex: Mom, we're gonna go get your luggage. That way, you two can get acquainted. Bree: Thank you again for making the long drive down from Oakdale. It's high time our families got together. Melina: Absolutely. Now speaking of family get-togethers, that reminds me - I call Christmas. Bree: What? Melina: Now that the boys are getting hitched, we're gonna have to split the holidays, so...I call Christmas. Bree: Wait, wait, wait. This is not how we decide family get-togethers. Melina: What's the problem? I'm letting you have thanksgiving. Bree: I'm a caterer. I oversee events on Thanksgiving. It's the one holiday that I don't need. Melina: Great. I call thanksgiving. Bree: Stop that! You can't call all the major holidays. Melina: No one's called Easter yet. Going once... Bree: I am not bidding on time with my son. Melina:going twice... Bree: Melina, this is childish! Melina: Ooh! Ooh! My hand's going up. Bree: Fine! I call Easter. Melina: That wasn't so hard, was it? Bree: Look, I know it's very difficult for two families to negotiate the holidays, but I feel strongly that this is not the best way to handle it, and I'm sure that the boys would agree with me. Melina: Hey...I called Christmas fair and square, and I wanna spend it with my son. So if you go to the boys and try and screw me over, I'll remember that for a really long time. Got it? Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, there are important events in the history of every family. Meeting the in-laws is one. Melina: Look at you two. Have I told you how great you look together? Have I? Mary Alice Voiceover: The moment you decide to hate them is another. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There's a home for everyone in suburbia, and a realtor eager to find you exactly what you want. Whether it's something warm and cozy...or something dignified and elegant...or perhaps something
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affordable with a porch. Yes, everyone wants a home with a lovely exterior, mostly so the neighbors will never suspect the ugliness going on inside. [Edies house] Edie: There you are! I just got the listing for the Adams house. And I think the best way to celebrate is for my sexy husband to take me out dancing. Dave: Oh, babe. Not tonight. Edie: What's wrong? Are you sick? Dave: No. No, uh...I'm good. Edie: Really? 'Cause you look like hell. Dave: I'm good, Edie. I just, uh...I-I just...feel like staying in tonight, that's all. Edie: Ah, you're doing it again. There is something upsetting you, and instead of letting me help you, you're shutting me out. Dave: I just don't like to talk about my troubles. Edie: And I don't like sitting at home doing nothing when I feel like dancing. Dave: Edie...I am sorry you're unhappy. Edie: There's something you should know about me. I don't stay unhappy for long. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Phone machine: Hey, it's Jackson, Having fun at the old alma mater. We need to talk. Only good news, I promise. Did I mention I miss you? Bye. [Outside Susans house] Bob: We moved here to get away from that. Lee: I didn't. I moved here for you. Bob: I've got a deposition to prep for. Lee: Well, then I will go clubbing without you, and I will be wearing my "not coming home alone" jeans. Bob: By "wearing," you mean "squeezing into"? Lee: Damn you! Lee: Miss anything? Need a juicy recap? Susan: No. I'm good. Lee: Boy, you just have to stick your nose into other people's business. [Outside Susans house] Susan: I'm sorry. If you're interested, I have dirt on Bree. Lee: Go on. Susan: You're no better than I am. Lee: Nicely played, Mayer. Susan: Thank you. Can I go clubbing with you tonight? Lee: Overplayed, Mayer. Susan: Oh, please! I'm bored. Mike has M.J., Jackson's out of town, and you're gonna need somebody to bitch about Bob to. Lee: You do realize I'm going to a gay club. Susan: Yes, that's fine. Gays love me. Lee: Name three. Susan: You, Bob, Andrew. Lee: That's two. Susan: Come on.
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Lee: All right, all right! Meet at my house at 9:00. And you might wanna pile on the makeup. Drag queens get their first drink free. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house backyard] Bob: Okay, well, let's try something easier. After you left Mr. Schilling's nightclub, where did you go first? Preston: UmI don't recall. Did you maybe drive somewhere? Preston: Um Bob: Okay, Porter, when the D.A., who also has this police report, asks you these questions, and you suddenly "don't recall" anything you said, that's bad. Lynette: Bob, you've been going at this for over an hour. Why don't we take a break? Bob: Fine. Porter, go and chill. I need to talk to your parents anyway. Bob: Okay, what's going on here? Tom: Nothin'. You know, Porter's just nervous. Bob: He was also nervous when I first interviewed him in jail, but he was still able to keep his story straight. Penny: Preston! Where's my CD player?! Preston: What? Penny: Parker saw you take it. Mom, please tell Preston to stop taking my stuff. Lynette: Honey, that's Porter. Penny: No, it isn't. Oh. Right. Sorry. Bob: You guys have something you wanna tell me? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house front porch] Carlos: Gaby, you should've come. You missed a beautiful walk in the park. Juanita: Mommy, look at what we found! A ladybug! Gabrielle: Wow! Neat! Why don't you guys go wash your hands for lunch? Carlos: Oh, look at her teeny black polka dots. There's so many beautiful things I used to take for granted before I lost my sight. Gabrielle: Yeah, pretty. What? You're gonna be late for work. Carlos: Yeah, about that...I should've told you before... Gabrielle: What? Carlos: I don't want to give massages anymore, so I quit the country club. Gabrielle: You quit?! Why? Carlos: Okay, I know this is gonna sound bad...when I was blind, I never realized that...naked people are gross, especially the middle-aged slobs that belong to this country club. Gabrielle: Carlos, you don't just quit a job because of a few moles and a little back fat. Carlos: But I can find other work. Now that I have my vision back, the world is my oyster. In the meantime, I just wanna spend a few days with my daughters and smelling the roses, soaking in nature. Like that beautiful spider right there. God's perfect design. Isn't it amazing? Gabrielle: Yeah, it sure is. I'll get you the want ads. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: What's all this?
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Bree: Oh, Andrew thought it would be nice to have a formal dinner tomorrow night. Orson: Well, if it's a formal dinner, why aren't we using your grandmother's tablecloth? Bree: For Melina? She'd probably blow her nose on it. No, I will not let that woman defile nana's lace. Orson: I know Melina isn't what we hoped for, but let's face it-In-laws rarely are. Need I remind you of my mother? Bree: Well, at least Gloria had the good taste to have a paralyzing stroke so we don't have to deal with her. Orson: True. That was a Merry Christmas. But Melina appears to be in tragically good health, which means we've got quite a few beer-drenched holidays ahead of us. You have got to figure out some way to be nice to her. Bree: I don't know if I have it in me. She's such a troglodyte. Orson: Please. No one's better at plastering on a fake smile and pretending to like someone than Bree Hodge. Bree: Mmm. You're sweet. Oh, all right. Get the lace tablecloth. I will pretend to like this woman. Just like I pretended to like nana. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Bob, we're so sorry. We meant to tell you. We really did. Bob: So where the hell is Porter? Tom: We don't know. Lynette: That's why we've been trying to get you to postpone the hearing date until we could find him. Bob: Oh, we have a much bigger problem than the hearing date. Lynette: What do you mean? Bob: Well, now that I'm aware of this, I have a legal obligation to report it. Tom: What?! No, no, no, you can't do that. Lynette: No! Bob: Hey! Now my hands are tied. Lynette: But if the judge finds out that porter's gone, we have to forfeit the bail. Tom: And since my genius wife used our restaurant to post bond, our only source of income will vanish. Bob: I feel for you guys. I really do. But I'm not getting disbarred over this. Tom: Bob...please. We're desperate. Bob: I'm not meeting with the D.A. For another two days. If you find Porter by then, I won't say anything. Lynette: Thank you so much. We are so sorry that weBob: Just find him. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside the department store] Gabrielle: Yeah, yeah. I'm comin'. Bradley: Gabrielle Solis? Bradley Scott. Remember? Carlos and I did some business back in his finance days. Gabrielle: Oh, right! How are you? Bradley: Good. Maria and I finally got married. I started my own investment fund. How about yourself? Gabrielle: Good, good. I don't know if you heard-Carlos got his sight back. Bradley: Oh, my-my god. I had no idea. Gabrielle: I know. Life is good. Now all we have to do is find him a job. Bradley: Well, your timing just might be perfect here. Gabrielle: Why? You need someone? Bradley: As a matter of fact, I do. Think he'd be interested?
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Gabrielle: I don't know. I-I can't speak for Carlos. Bradley: It's an upper-level position with lots of perks and the salary's in the high six figures. Gabrielle: I'm now speaking for Carlos. He'll take it. Bradley: Great. I'd kill to have Carlos on my team. That man was a shark. Have him call me. Gabrielle: Yeah. Gabrielle: So long, sucka. -----------------------------------------------------------[Boston - Dr. Hellers clinic] Mrs. McCluskey: Hello. Is Dr. Heller in? Receptionist: I'm sorry. He's not. Can I help you? Roberta: Not really. See, we need to talk to him about Dave Williams. Receptionist: Dave Williams? Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah. Dave is a patient of his. I'm sure you know him - blond hair, blue eyes, creepier than all get-out. Receptionist: I'm not in a position to confirm that. Mrs. McCluskey: Hmm. Ah? Receptionist: And I don't think the doctor would discuss his patients with you either. Roberta: Oh, he'll talk to us. Dave's been up to some pretty sick stuff... Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah. Roberta: And I-I'm bettin' dollars to doughnuts Dr. Heller would wanna know all about it. So when does he get here? Receptionist: I couldn't say. Mrs. McCluskey: Huh. We'll wait. Receptionist: Is that a beer? Roberta: We're not in a position to confirm that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house front porch] Juanita: Your new shoes are pretty. Gabrielle: Aren't they? Daddy bought them for mommy - He doesn't know it yet - because he has a wonderful new job. He doesn't that yet either. Carlos: Good news! Gabrielle: Me, too. Me first. Remember Bradley Scott? I ran into him today, and he's giving you a job. Carlos: That's...nice. But that's what I wanted to tell you. I just got a job. Gabrielle: Fantastic! Well, you didn't sign a contract or anything, did you? 'Cause maybe we can get them into a bidding war. Carlos: Unlikely. It's at the community center. I'm gonna work with the blind. Gabrielle: Oh. Great. And what's the signing bonus for that-a cup of pencils? I thought you were gonna get a better job. What happened to the world being your oyster? Carlos: It's meaningful work. Gabrielle: Who cares? Bradley's offering perks. What kind of perks is this blind thing offering? Carlos: Hmm, let me think...Making the world a better place, personal fulfillment. Gabrielle: Carlos, I've spent the last five years working with the blind. Trust me, it's not that fulfilling. Carlos: Look, when I lost my sight, those people were there for me. Ah, I just wanna give something back. Not to mention...Bradley Scott? Kind of an ass. No way I'm working for that guy. Gabrielle: (on phone) Hi, Bradley, it's Gaby Solis. I just talked to him, and he's intrigued. How would you like
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to come over for dinner and seal the deal? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gay club] Susan: This is so fun! I haven't been out in ages. Tonight, I am gonna...boogie-oogie-oogie Lee: You really haven't been out in a while. Susan: Oh! Lee: Go ahead. What do you want to drink? Susan: Oh, I'll have what you're having. Lee: Cirrhosis of the liver, coming right up. Susan: (on phone) Hey, Jackson. What? Really? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house front door step] Bree: Ah! Here you are. Melina: Yeah, just taking in the scenery. Bree: You know, we actually have some very comfortable patio furniture in the backyard...along with a place to put your recyclables. Melina: No, I'm good here. Andrew: Hey! Bree: Hi! What have you two been up to? Alex: Edie was showing us some houses. Melina: I didn't know you two were house hunting. Andrew: Yes. We've got to get out of that apartment. Bree: Did Edie show you the Adams house? Alex: She did, and it's fantastic. Andrew: And if we could figure out a way to move it next to a toxic waste dump, maybe we could afford it. Melina: Holy moly, would you look at these prices! You know, for this kind of money, you could come up to my town and get a 5-bedroom house on the lake. Bree: I'm sure they could. It's too bad your practice is all the way down here. Melina: It is now, but it's not like there aren't sick people in Oakdale. Bree: Who, undoubtedly, already have doctors, just like your patients in fairview have you. Melina: Fine. Let them stay in that teeny apartment. Who cares if the other doctors make fun of you? Alex: You know, I think we should talk about this. You'd really like Oakdale-No traffic, fresh air. Andrew: Hey, I'm open. Maybe we can go up there this weekend and look around. Bree: What are you doing? Melina: Just helping the boys live the American dream. I'll tell you what. If the guys move up near me, you can have 'em for Christmas. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gay club] Lee: I just wish there was some way I could get back at bob. I'm so sick of his smug attitude. "I'm the provider. I bring home the bacon." Well, you know what? I contribute, too. I handle the bills. I clean the house. Susan: I thought you had a housekeeper. Lee: Jeez, you're an ugly drunk. Come on. It's a joke. What's with the face? Susan: I just...Jackson called earlier, and, um...you know, he went to Riverton to visit his old art professor, and she offered him a job. Lee: That's cool.
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Susan: And he wants me to move there with him. Lee: You gonna go? Susan: Well...I wanna be with him, so...I think I have to. Lee: You're that serious about this guy? Susan: Yeah. Sure. Why not? Lee: You sure you're not just waiting for closing time? Susan: What does that mean? Lee: You know,2:00 a.m., bar's closing. You haven't found the perfect guy, so you settle for...something like that. Oh, crap. Look away. Look away. Look away. Susan: Lee, that is not what I'm doing. Is Jackson perfect? No. But I don't think there is such a thing, and I have a history of sabotaging relationships. No, I'm doing this. I'm moving. Lee: Well, congratulations to you. Uh-oh. Scary guy's coming over. I have to throw him off the scent. Do you mind if I grab one of your boobs? Susan: Oh! Knock yourself out. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house next morning] Susan: Oh! Jazz! Lee: Oh, my god! Why didn't you wake me?! Bob is going to kill me. But that was, uh, fun last night. Different, but fun. See ya. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Lynette: (on phone) Tom, I talked to every kid in his English class, the entire debate team. Porter hasn't contacted any of them. Well, hurry home. We gotta decide what our next move is. All right. I love you. Bye. Lynette: Preston, why didn't you pick up when I called you? Preston: What? Lynette: I called you, like, five times. Preston: No, you didn't. Lynette: Yeah. Preston: See? You're not even on my call log. Lynette: Oh. Preston: Hey! Hey! Porter: (on phone) Hey, dude. Is mom still there? Lynette: (on phone) Porter, it's mom. Where are you?! Porter! Lynette: You know where he is! Preston: I don't. He won't tell me. Lynette: But you have been talking to him. What the hell, Preston?! Preston: I want my phone back. Lynette: Fine. You know what you're going to do with it? You are going to call your brother and tell him to come home. Preston: He's not coming home. Mr. Schilling threatened to kill him. Lynette: What? What?! That's why he ran away? I thought he was afraid of going to jail. Well, I'm sure Warren Schilling was just trying to scare him. Preston: It worked! Porter's terrified! Lynette: Okay, we'll get a - we'll get a restraining order. Preston: I don't think that's gonna stop this guy.
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Lynette: I can handle warren schilling. But if Porter doesn't show up for court, we're gonna lose our restaurant! Preston: A guy threatens to kill your son, and that's what you're worried about? No, I'm not gonna let my brother risk his life so you and dad can sell pizza. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Gabrielle: How do you sleep with someone and not remember? Susan: I don't know. I was drunk. Gabrielle: Okay, let's skip to the important part - who was it? Susan: Just a friend. Oh, Gaby, do you think I did this subconsciously just to sabotage my relationship with Jackson? Gabrielle: It was Tom Scavo, wasn't it? Susan: Will you stop guessing? Oh, god! Why won't I just let myself be happy? Gabrielle: Was it Lou? Susan: My mechanic? Are you crazy? Gabrielle: Come on. You were with a plumber and a housepainter. I mean, let's face it - you like your service providers. Bob: Susan, you home? Susan: Bob! Um...uh, what are you doing here? Bob: Well...It's about Lee. He told me he took you out last night. Susan: Yes. Uh, we had a very nice, uneventful evening. Why? What did he say? 'Cause he was pretty drunk, so he was...probably making stuff up. Bob: Well, he didn't come home. He claims he spent the night here. Gabrielle: Oh, my god. Bob: Oh, hi, Gaby. I didn't know you were here. Susan: Never mind her. She was just leaving. Gabrielle: No. I think I should stay and clean this up. It's a...huge mess. Susan: Uh, Bob...Uh, Lee did stay here last night. He slept on the couch...in the guest room. So you have nothing to worry about. Bob: Oh, thank god. I just had this awful feeling that he spent the night with another man. Gabrielle: Hahaha Susan: Lee wouldn't do that. He loves you. Bob: I know he does, but he's got a few drinks in him, he'll bang anything with a pulse and facial hair. Gabrielle: HahahaAw. -----------------------------------------------------------[Boston - Dr. Hellers clinic] Mrs. McCluskey: You still haven't heard from him? Receptionist: For the 17th time...No. Mrs. McCluskey: Where does she get off having all that attitude? Roberta: She's young and pretty, and we're not. Mrs. McCluskey: She's not that pretty. Receptionist: I can hear every word you're saying. Mrs. McCluskey: From all the way over there? Boy, she is young. Receptionist: Look, I'm very tired, so I'm going to break the rules. Dr. Heller went on some sort of trip. He should've been back a week ago, and I don't know where he is. Roberta: Why didn't you tell us that in the first place?
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Receptionist: Because it's none of your business! Receptionist: (on phone) Hello? Dr. Heller's office. Dave: (on phone) Uh, hey. It's David Dash. Is he in? Mrs. McCluskey: Did you hear that? He should've been back by now. Why isn't he back? Receptionist: (on phone) I'm sorry, Mr. Dash. Dr. Heller's out of town. Roberta: What are you saying? You think Dave has something to do with Heller being late from vacation? Mrs. McCluskey: Don't ask me why, but I got a feeling there's a connection. Dave: (on phone) Well, can I still get a prescription refilled? Receptionist: (on phone) Sure. Dr. Lybrand's on call. Could you see him tomorrow around 2:00? Dave: (on phone) Actually, I've moved. Roberta: You know what? Mrs. McCluskey: What? Roberta: I'm done. Mrs. McCluskey: Meaning what? Receptionist: (on phone) I'm sure we can work it out. What's your new address? Mrs. McCluskey: What, you're just gonna abandon me? Roberta: I went on this wild goose chase as far as I could. Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, don't - please don't go, Roberta. I need your help. Roberta: Then get somebody else. I'm tapped out. Mrs. McCluskey: Roberta, wait! Receptionist: (on phone) "Wisteria Lane." What a lovely name. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Melina: Bree, you sure there isn't anything I can do to help? I'm just standing here with my thumb up my butt. Bree: Uh, no help needed. Certainly nothing that would require your thumb. Andrew: Hey. Uh, sorry we're late. We got hung up at the realtors. Bree: Actually, you're right on time. We're just about to eat. Shall we? Andrew: Yeah. Bree: Hmm. Excuse...excuse me, Melina. That's my chair. Melina: I just wanted to sit next to the boys. Bree: Well, did it occur to you I might want to sit next to the boys? Melina: Did it occur to you that I already called it? Orson: She did. She called it. Why don't you sit here, Bree? Bree: Guess who just called the burnt lamb chop? Melina: I just wanted to see the look on your faces when you heard my good news. Alex: Really? What is it? Melina: Well, I told Dr. Hardy you're moving to Oakdale. Bree: Uh, thinking about it. They're thinking about moving to Oakdale. Melina: Not after they hear this. Anyway, he's retiring next month, and he thinks you'd be perfect to take over his practice. Alex: Are you serious? Wow, this could be a good opportunity for us. Bree: Yes. A good opportunity for Andrew to commute five hours to his job. Andrew: I don't know, Alex. This is all happening pretty fast. Alex: But it's the only way we're gonna be able to afford a house, and if we're gonna have kids... Bree: You're gonna have kids? Melina: Oh, this is perfect! I can look after them for you! Oh! Let's toast to seal the deal. Here's to Oakdale.
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Bree: I bought you the Adams house! Andrew: What? Orson: What?! Melina: What? Bree: It was going to be a surprise, you know, for your wedding. Unfortunately, this whole silly Oakdale thing has forced me to show my hand. Andrew: Mom, that's too generous. Melina: Yes, that's, uh...that's way too generous. You shouldn't do that. Bree: Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't do. Alex: Bree, I don't know what to say, except...thank you so much. I really love you for this. Bree: Oh, and I love you, too. Orson, dear, would you pour Melina another glass of wine? Orson: Calling Edie, are you? Bree: You know it. Orson: Huh. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Hi, honey. You remember Bradley and his wife Maria. They dropped by for dinner. Carlos: How fun. Can I ask you something about the trash cans? Gabrielle: Excuse me. Carlos: What is that miserable S.O.B. doing here? I already took the job at the community center. Gabrielle: I know. Just listen to what Bradley has to say, and if at the end of the evening you're still not interested, I support you completely. Deal? Carlos: If it'll get you off my back...deal. Bradley: After I got concessions from the union, I laid off a third of the workforce, outsourced another third. A year later, I sold the company for twice what I paid for it. Gabrielle: Wow. Impressive. Huh, Carlos? Carlos: Very. It'll be a great story to tell all the other C.E.O.s in hell. Gabrielle: Carlos, be nice. Bradley: No, it's fine. Just taking care of my kids. Maria: Yeah. I've got a picture of them in my purse. Wanna see how many you can name? Bradley: More wine, Maria? Gabrielle: So, Bradley, if Carlos were to come work for you, what would a typical week look like? Bradley: Oh, lots of high-end deal making, uh, international travel. Maria: Oh, yeah. We travel all over the world together. It is so fun sitting alone in a five-star hotel while your husband is out crushing the third world under the heel of his jackboot. Gabrielle: You hear that, Carlos? Five-star hotels. Carlos: Listen, Bradley, really appreciate the offer, but I told you - I already have a job. Bradley: Why can't you do your work with the deaf on the weekends? Carlos: First of all, because they're blind. Maria: You tell him. Gabrielle: Um, honey, Bradley's right. You could take this job and do your charity work in your free time. Maria: No, don't listen to her. You are a good man, and you are going to help people. And even if you never end up making a penny, you'll be worth more than this soulless bastard. Bradley: I work very hard to provide for you and the kids, and I would like a little respect. Maria: Well, you know what I would like? A big divorce. Gabrielle: So...is eye care included in the health plan? 'Cause that's obviously a big issue for Carlos.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: Daddy misses you so much. I'm so sorry. Okay? Bye-bye! I miss you two so much. Very soon, honey. It's just a little teeny bit longer. Oh, my little girl. You look so beautiful. I've missed you so much. We're gonna be together soon. I promise you. Just a teeny little bit. It'll be fine. Edie: Dave? Oh Dave: I'm sorrrry. You scared me. Edie: Who were you talking to? Dave: No one. Edie: I heard you. Dave: Edie, please, j - I'm not feeling well. Edie: Who the hell were you talking to? Dave: Leave me alone. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside The White Horse Bar] Preston: Why did you turn down here? I thought we were going to the store. Mom, what is this place? Lynette: Before I became a mother, I didn't know it was possible to love another human being so completely, and with that love comes this need to protect you. It wasn't a decision I made. It's...primal. It's just something in my D.N.A. Whatever it is, it makes me not care about myself, and it reminds me that my reason for being on this planet is to look after you kids. Preston: Why are you telling me this? Lynette: Yesterday, you said Warren schilling will kill Porter if he gets the chance. I will never let that happen. Preston: Mom, where are we? Lynette: You see that bar? Warren Schilling goes there every night. All right, come on! Tonight, when he leaves...I'm gonna do what I have to, to make sure my family is safe. So...I need you to get out now. You can't be in the car when this happens. Preston: Are you serious? You're gonna run him over? Lynette: Like I said, it's in my D.N.A. That could be him. Get out. Get out! Get out! Preston: Okay! Stop it! I get it! I'll call Porter and tell him he doesn't have to worry about Mr. Schilling. Lynette: And you will convince him to come back home. Shut the door. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - bedroom] Carlos: So...remember how you said I just had to hear Bradley out, and then whatever I decided, you'd support me? Well, you may be surprised, but I am ready to render my decision. Let me lay it out for you Either I do something fulfilling where I help other people and feel good about myself, or I take a job I hate where I make a lot of money, but it eats my life and crushes my soul. Gabrielle: Hang on. Before you do that, let me lay it out for you. Either you let your family continue to sacrifice so you can feel good about yourself, or you grow up and make real money and look after us like we've been looking after you for the past five years. Carlos: You know what these jobs are like, Gaby. I'd never be home. And when I was, I'd be tired or irritated. It will take a toll on all of us. Gabrielle: It took a toll on us when we couldn't pay the gas bill, Carlos. It took a toll on us when Juanita was sent home from day care because the check bounced. But I handled it, and now it's your turn to handle it. Carlos: Gaby, please don't make me do this. Carlos: (on phone) Bradley? Hey, it's Carlos. Well, I've, uh, done some thinking, and I actually...I want that job,
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if it's still on the table. Yeah. I was surprised, too. Sounds great. See you Monday. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bob and Lees house] Lee: Hey, Susan. I just made tea. Come on in. Susan: Lee, um...well, there's just no graceful way to ask this, so...I'm just gonna say it straight out. When you spent the night, did we get it on? Lee: Ye gods, no. Are you insane? Susan: Oh! So...nothing happened between us? Lee: Hello? Gay! Listening to opera in a kimono. What more do you need to know? Susan: Oh, thank god. You know, when I woke up next to you yesterday, I just didn't know what to think. Lee: But why would you think that? Susan: 'Cause you were mad at Bob, and I told you about how I sometimes sabotage my relationships. Lee: Ah. Well, you didn't. Not this time, anyway. Susan: Yeah. Now I can move in with Jackson with a clear conscience.bGood. Good. Lee: Wait, so I just - I have to ask. Why exactly are you moving in with Jackson? Susan: Because...he loves me. Lee: Do you love him? Susan: I'm getting there. Lee: Don't you think maybe you should...wait until you've arrived? Susan: Mike and I will never get back together. I know that now. And I really need to move on with my life. Lee: You know moving on doesn't have to mean moving in. Susan: Jackson has made it pretty clear that he doesn't do good with long-distance relationships. I could lose him. Lee: So lose him. Susan: I'm not good alone. I need a man in my life. Lee: But why? We're so useless. Susan: But you are fun to dance with. Lee: I think you should tell Jackson you're not ready. And if he ends up leaving, then, hell, I will dance with you. At least until someone better comes along. How does that sound? (Susan kisses Lee.) If this is your attempt at bedding me again, Miss Mayer, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Preston: (on phone) Come on, man. Mom really wants to talk to you, just for five seconds. Do it for me, okay? Lynette: (on phone) Sweetie, where are you? Porter: (on phone) I don't want to tell you. Lynette: (on phone) Porter...You have got to come home. Everything will be fine. I promise. Porter: (on phone) How? Either Warren Schilling kills me, or I end up in jail. Lynette: (on phone) We can get a restraining order to protect you, and Bob thinks there's a good shot at getting the case dismissed. Porter: (on phone) You know, I've been reading the Fairview papers online. Everybody thinks I did it. Lynette: (on phone) There is not a shred of evidence against you. When people see that, they will be on your side just like we are. Sweetie, you have to trust me. Porter: (on phone) I do trust you. It's just IStella: Don't fall for it, kiddo. I trusted her once, and look where it got me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house]
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Dave: Good morning. Edie: Is it? I didn't get a lot of sleep. Dave: Okay, about last night, I'm sorry. Edie: Let me stop you right there. I don't need an apology. I need an explanation. And...if you can't give me one...I'm thinking we're finished. Dave: Look, I'm just stressed out. Edie: Stress doesn't make you talk to people who aren't there. What is going on? Dave: Okay. Before we met, I was married to someone else. But she died. And last night she was...sort of on my mind. Edie: You were married before? Dave: She's dead, Edie. What does it matter? Edie: Oh, it matters. You have until tonight to get your things together. Then I want you out of my house. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Everyone needs a lovely home in suburbia, mostly so the neighbors will never suspect what's going on inside. Behind these freshly painted walls you will find...Parents wracked with guilt...Wives tired of struggling...Lovers who have been lied to...Yes, everybody needs a lovely home in suburbia...If for no other reason than to have a place...to come home to. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X12 Connect! Connect! -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: A call was made. Lynette: (on phone) Sweetie, where are you? Porter: (on phone) I don't wanna tell you. Lynette: And if Porter doesn't show up for court, we're gonna lose our restaurant! Preston: A guy threatens to kill your son, and that's what you're worried about? Mary Alice Voiceover: And as one love affair blossomed, another... Edie: You were married before? Dave: She's dead. Edie: I want you out of my house. Mary Alice Voiceover: withered on the vine. Dave: Mike Delfino has to pay for taking you away from me. I want him to lose what I lost. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It had been a long journey for David Williams, and though it began years ago, he remembered every step of it...walking outside his front door to find a policeman with news of a car crash...running into the hospital only to be told his wife and daughter had died... Dave: No! No! Let go of me! Mary Alice Voiceover:being dragged into a psychiatric facility after his mental breakdown... Dave: No! Mary Alice Voiceover:strolling into a hotel weeks after being released and bumping into a beautiful
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blonde...marcng down the aisle with a woman who, as it turned out, once lived on the same street with the man who had killed his family. But his bride was now unhappy, and Dave Williams was worried that his dream of revenge had been destroyed. Luckily for Dave, fate was about to take some steps of its own. [Outside Mikes house] Mike: Hey, Dave! What's going on? Dave: Edie and I had a fight. Mike: I take it you're giving her time to calm down? Dave: No, I think I'm looking for a place to stay while she's looking for a lawyer. Mike: Oh, man, I...wanna say something helpful, but all I got is "that sucks." Dave: That it does. Mike: So where are you headed? Dave: Oh, it's such a nice night, I thought I'd walk to at motel on the interstate. Might as well enjoy the stars while my life falls apart. It's getting late, and so, uh... Mike: Hey, why don't you stay with me? Dave: Really? I, uh...I wouldn't want to impose. Mike: Dave, you saved my life. I owe ya. Dave: Well, now that you mention it, I guess you do. Mike: Come on in. Mary Alice Voiceover: And just like that, Dave's dream of revenge was salvaged... Dave: Lead the way, roomie. Mary Alice Voiceover:and he started to feel his long journey would soon be over. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: At 9:02 the next morning...Edie Williams began calling her friends to let them know something humiliating had happened to her. By 9:06, her friends had begun to arrive, just so they could hear the juicy details. Susan: So he was married before. You don't kick a man out for that. Edie: No. But you do for never mentioning it. And especially when I laid out m entire past. Gabrielle: Emphasis on the word "laid." Edie: Exactly. Gaby gets it. Bree: Well, maybe they were only together a short time, and she didn't mean anything to him. Edie: I doubt it, since he walks around muttering to her ghost. Gabrielle: You know what would lift your spirits? We should all do a spa weekend. Bree: Yeah! Let's do that. Edie: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but I think I'm better off gettin lost in my work. Susan: Well, maybe I can help you. Think you can rent my house out? Lynette: What? Susan: Jackson got a teaching job at the college in Riverton, and...I'm going with him. Gabrielle: Uh, wait, you're moving? Susan: I know it's sudden, but I feel really good about this. And it's only two hours away, so it'll still be like we're practically next door. Lynette: I am so happy for you, but we're gonna miss you. Bree: Oh, don't worry about us. Jackson is so great. You are making the right choice. Gabrielle: Absolutely. Come here, you! (They group hug.)
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Gabrielle: I can't believe you're leaving. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house front yard] Dave: Hey. Katherine: When you're done here, you wanna come do my lawn? Dave: Well, I figure since mike's letting me crash here, it's the least I could do. Katherine: Well, that's very nice... and brave. Mike takes a lot of pride in his yard. Dave: Yeah. Katherine: Look at his roses. Every time I walk by here, I just want to steal one. Dave: Here, let me cut you one. Katherine: Oh, no. Couldn't. He wouldn't like that. Mike: Hey, you. What's up? Katherine: Not much. Got a call from Dylan. Her husband's traveling more for his business, and she doesn't have anybody to help her with the baby. She's trying to push me to move out to Baltimore. Mike: So, uh, what'd you say? Katherine: Oh, just that I'd think about it. What do you think I should do? Mike: Well, she really needs your help. I guess you should help her. Katherine: Well, I don't know that she need it. Honestly? I think she's just lonely. Of course... it would be nice to be closer. But is that a good enough reason to uproot my whole life here? What do you think? Mike: I'm not sure. It's up to you. Katherine: I know. I just...thought you might have an opinion. Mike: Oh, shoot. I'm, uh, expecting a call from a supplier. I'll, uh, I'll talk to you later. Katherine: On second thought, I'm sure he won't even notice it's gone. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Of course this will require an updated irrigation system, which I'm happy to take care of. Alex: Bree, you bought us a house. We can't let you do all this, too. Bree: Nonsense! It's a small price to pay to make your home more beautiful. I insist. Orson: Yes! It's gonna be here tomorrow. Bree: Orson, take it easy! Orson: Impossible. Soon, I, the grillmaster, will christen a brand-new barbecue. Andrew: You're pretty excited about a grill. Orson: Oh, it's so much more than that, young man. This is the prairiefire turbo. It's 122,000 btus of charbroiling power. Look out, cattle! Bree: You think you're excited? Just imagine the salesman who overcharged you. Orson: Well, Bree, I got a very good deal. Bree: He only thinks he got a good deal because the salesman threw in one of those "kiss the cook" hats. Orson: And the temperature-sensing barbecue fork. Well, that sounds good. Alex: Yeah. Bree: Don't encourage him! Orson is a horrible negotiator. He's never met a sticker price he didn't like. Orson: Oh, no, Bree, that's--Bree: It's true. There's a reason the local car dealers send you a fruit basket every Christmas. Wow hush. Alex: Bree, could you please not do that? Bree: Do...do what? Alex: It's just...when you talk to your husband that way, it really pushes a button for me. My mom used to do that, and it, uh...drove my dad away. I think he was tired of being emasculated.
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Orson: Did I mention it has a rear-mounted rotisserie rack? Bree: What exactly are you saying, Alex? Alex: I'm saying, if you're gonna be rude to your husband, could you just not do it in front of me? Andrew: So rotisserie, huh? Orson: Yeah. Good for chicken, rolled roasts, legs of lamb. This thing is so advanced, I could probably use it to make soup. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house front yard] Carlos: I'm sorry. Daddy has to work. Gabrielle: Carlos, what is going on? You're gonna miss your plane. Carlos: They're upset. They're not used to me being away. Gabrielle: Oh, for god sakes, girls. It's not like he's going off to war. He's gonna be back tomorrow. Juanita: Why can't daddy work here? Gabrielle: Because daddy has a new job that's gonna make us lots of money. Juanita: We don't need lots of money. Gabrielle: Hey, what did I say about that kind of language? Carlos: Look, girls...Daddy's gonna be home tomorrow in time for dinner. You can call me whenever you want. Okay? Gabrielle: And the best part is you get to spend a whole day with just mommy! -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Oh, hello, Mr. Fishman. Mr. Fishman: I'm coming in. Watch the wheels. Boy, you just had to put a rug here, huh? Lynette: Uh, is everything okay? Mr. Fishman: It's about your damn son. Lynette: Porter? Mr. Fishman: How the hell do I know? He's got red hair and he's got a face you just wanna slap, and he's driving my sister crazy! Lynette: What are you talking about? Mr. Fishman: The retirement home. Your kid has been staying in your mom's room. Lynette: What? Mr. Fishman: Muriel thought he was just visiting, but he's been there for a week. Lynette: Ah. Mr. Fishman: Now the rules clearly state...no visiting after dark. Lynette: (on phone) Tom, I know where Porter is. He's hiding at my mother's. Mr. Fishman: Oh, hiding, my ass. He's not hiding. He's living there. He even stole my sister's orange juice. Lynette: I'll take care of it. Thank you. Lynette: (on phone) Call Bob. Tell him we can make the hearing tomorrow. Mr. Fishman: Nobody can sleep there because he's got that TV blaring all night long. Lynette: (on phone) Look, Tom, I can't talk now. Just call Bob. I'm going over there now. Okay. Bye. Lynette: Parker, I'm gonna be back in an hour. Mr. Fisherman, thank you so much. Mr. Fishman: Well, don't just stand there. Make me a sandwich! -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Andrews house] Andrew: Uh, one more thing. Could you see about having the basement cleared out? Alex: Yeah, the last time we went down there, it was filled with mildewed boxes.
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Edie: Oh, I'll take care of that. There's nothing worse than having old junk around. Susan: Edie! Edie: Case in point. [Andrews house - basement] Susan: Edie? Edie! Do you not hear me? Edie: Yeah, I heard you. Why do you think I kept walking? Susan: Looks like the mailman switched our mail again. Do you have mine? Edie: Yep. It's in my garbage come by and grab it at your convenience. Susan: What is wrong with you? Edie: I asked everyone over this morning because I had this huge thing to share about kicking my husband out, and you prance in with your, "Me and Jackson are moving to a fairy castle." Susan: I'm sorry. I thought we gave your latest breakup the three seconds of shock it deserved. Edie: Get the hell out of here. Susan: Gladly. Edie: What have you done? Susan: Nothing. It's locked. Do you have a key? Edie: In my purse, which I left in the kitchen. Does anyone know you're here? Susan: No. Help! Get me out of here! Edie: Somebody help me! -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Juanita, it's time for your bath. Juanita: I'm watching my movie. Gabrielle: You've seen it a hundred times. She loses her shoe, the prince finds it--end of story. Let's go. Juanita: I'll go when I'm ready. Hey, it's not finished! Gabrielle: It is for you. Now move! Juanita Solis, I am not kidding. Okay. That does it. Juanita. If you think I'm not gonna drag you to the bathroom, you are sadly mistaken! Juanita: You're never gonna make it. Gabrielle: Oh, yes, I will. My rage is fueling me in ways you can't imagine. Juanita: What's wrong? Gabrielle: My rage just needs to catch its breath. Okay. Okay. I am willing to forget this entire incident if you just go jump in that bathtub right now. What do you say? (Juanita pfft) Gabrielle: I am gonna scrub that smug look right off your face. Oh, my back! -----------------------------------------------------------[Retirement Home Stellas room] Lynette: Where is he? Stella: I'm sorry. Have we met? Wait...You're the girl who stuck me here three years ago. You come by every Christmas and look at your watch while I unwrap the socks you bought me on the drive over. Lynette: Do you know what's going on with Porter? The fire? The arrest? Stella: Yes. I read the newspapers. Everybody's dying for that poor kid's blood. Lynette: No, no. We have this great lawyer. He thinks he can get the case thrown out. Stella: Oh, really? I didn't realize that. Porter! Come out from under the bed! Mommy is here to take care of you! Just like she took care of me. Lynette: Okay. I know you're mad. I know we have a lot to hash out between us. But don't take your hate for me out on your grandson. Now where is he?
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Stella: He's safe. I heard Muriel Fishman rat me out to her brother, so I-I made sure that Porter cleared out. Lynette: Mom...this is wrong. Please. Stella: Sucks to feel powerless, doesn't it, Lynette? -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews house - basement] Susan: Please, help! Please! I'm getting a really unpleasant picture of what you're like in the Ol' Sackarooni. Edie: Face it, Mayer. We're stuck. Susan: Gotta get out. I'm supposed to be meeting the moving company. What? Edie: Keep talking about how you're going to move away and be with Jackson. I hear stupidity makes time go faster. Susan: So now me wanting to be with the man I love is stupid? Edie: And needy and pathetic and... kinda hilarious. But there's one thing it's not, Mayer. That's "unexpected." Susan: What are you getting at? Edie: Have you ever in your life been without a man? Susan: Of course I have. Edie: When? Susan: I don't know. I'm not sure. What are you doing? Edie: Making a calendar. Susan: Edie... Edie: Oh, come on. We've got nothing but time, and I assume you don't wanna make out, so...first boyfriend? Susan: Todd Shaffer. I was 14. Edie: And why did you and hot toddy break up? Susan: He dumped me during math class. Edie: And how long did it take you to start dating somebody else? Susan: This is a stupid exercise. I refuse to-Edie: When was it? Susan: Lunch. It was lunch. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - bedroom] Orson: You know, I'm feeling a bit randy tonight. What do you say we make a little love? Bree: Well, we've got 15 minutes till the news is on. Why not? I still can't get over the way Alex behaved this morning. "Emasculating." I' never heard such nonsense. Don't you think so? Orson: Well, I thought the matter in which Alex made his point was inappropriate. Bree: But? Orson: Well, I wouldn't say it was nonsense. You can be a little tough sometimes. Bree: "Tough"? That's not a word I would use to describe myself. Orson: Nobody blames you, Bree. You run a business. You have to be formidable. Sometimes, if that frame of mind carries over into your personal life, it's only to be expected. Bree: I don't think I do that. Orson: I know you don't. It's not worth getting upset about. Andrew and I are used to it, and I'm sure in time, Alex will get used to it, too. Now...on to more pleasant things. Even though it's my turn, I don't mind if you're on top. -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews house - basement] Edie: I think we forgot one. Didn't you date somebody after you stole Karl away from me? Susan: Ron. Dr. Ron. Are we done?
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Edie: Yep. Here it is--the history of your love life. Proof that you can't be happy without a man. Susan: This is not proof of anything. Edie: Seven boyfriends through high school and college-- only...41 days single. What does that tell you? Susan: My grades sucked? Edie: It's a cry for help, Mayer. And it doesn't get much better into the many decades of your adulthood. Susan: Hey, I was single for several months after Karl and after Mike. Edie: But that wasn't of your choosing. They dumped you. I know. It's hard to look in the mirror. Susan: Have you ever looked in your mirror, Edie? You're famous for the number of men you've conquered. Edie: Thank you. Susan: It's not a compliment, you tramp! Okay, I am not gonna take relationship tips from a woman who has hooked up with...what is it? Over a thousand men? Edie: Okay, that's true.I enjoyed the '80s but the difference is, I go after men because I want them. You go after them because you need them. Susan: That is not much of a distinction. Edie: Yes, it is. You have holes in your heart that can only be filled by a pair of trousers. Face it, Mayer. You're weak. -----------------------------------------------------------[Road - car] Lynette: (on phone) Porter wasn't there, and she won't tell me where he is. Tom: (on phone) Did you tell her that he could end up in jail? Lynette: (on phone) Of course I did. Tom: (on phone) Lynette, you're really upset. Just hang up and come home. Lynette: (on phone) She's so angry at me. She's never gonna tell us where he is. Tom: (on phone) Lynette? Lynette? -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Porter: Uh, we need to find Lynette Scavo. Nurse: Let me check. Stella: This is all my fault. She was so worked up when she left my room. Nurse: I'm not finding a Lynette Scavo. Porter: Oh, my god. Does that mean she's dead? Lynette: No. No. It means she outsmarted her mom. Tom: Oh, my god, porter, we missed you so much. Porter: I-I don't understand. I thought you were in an accident. Lynette: No, sweetie. I was driving home last night, talking with your dad on the phone, and two cars in front of me had an accident. And I thought, damn, that could be me. And then I thought, that could be me. Porter: You scared the hell out of me. Tom: We are sorry, but we had to get you back. You've gotta be in court by 5:00. Porter: I don't want to go to jail. Lynette: Porter, listen to me. Bob talked to the judge. He thinks he can get them to drop the charges. Porter: I don't know if I should believe you. Lynette: You're gonna have to. Porter: Okay. Tom: Great. Come on. Let's go. Stella: That was a rotten thing you did, Lynette. I thought you were dead. Lynette: Yeah, well, what can I tell ya? I learned from the best.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Celia! Juanita! I am not gonna ask you again to pick up these clothes! You've got till the count of three! One... two... three! You can hear me, right? Girls: Yeah! Gabrielle: All right, that's it! I'm calling your father! You are gonna get it now! He is gonna tear into you! It is gonna be a bloodbath! Carlos: (on phone) Hey, babe. What's up? Gabrielle: (on phone) It's your children. They've run amok. Carlos: (on phone) What? Gabrielle: (on phone) Now that you've gone back to work, they won't listen to me. They know you're not in the next room, ready to drop the hammer. Help me! Carlos: (on phone) How? I'm in a meeting. Gabrielle: (on phone) O-okay. I'm gonna put you on speaker, and I want you to rip 'em a new one. Carlos: (on phone) I'm with clients. I don't have time for this. Gabrielle: (on phone) But--Carlos: (on phone) I gotta go! Gabrielle: (on phone) Carlos? Carlos! Juanita Voiceover: I think he hung up, mommy. Can you bring us a lemonade? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - backyard] Bree: Hi, Mike. Mike: Hey, sorry I'm late. Bree: Where's Katherine? Mike: Ah, headache. She sends her regrets. You mind if I grab a beer? Bree: Uh, yeah. In the test kitchen. Dave: Uh, beer sounds good. I think I'll grab one, too. Excuse me. [Inside] Dave: So...Katherine not feeling well, huh? Mike: Yeah. Yeah, I think she also might be a little miffed with me. Dave: This about Baltimore? Mike: It's not that I want her to go, 'cause I don't. Dave: Then why don't you tell her? Mike: I don't wanna be the guy that comes between her and her daughter, not to mention a grandchild. Dave: OhhI thought this was because... I don't know. Maybe you're still hung up on your ex-wife. Mike: Susan? No. No, that's over. Dave: You sure? And most guys I talk to, they say they only really fall in love once. And even if it doesn't work, they spend the rest of their lives thinking about the one that they lost. I always wondered if that's how you felt about Susan. Mike: Why would you wonder about something like that? Dave: Oh, I don't know. You're my friend. I care about you. Mike: Well, no. In fact, Dave, I think I might be falling in love with Katherine. Dave: Did you just use the "l" word? Wow! See, I-I didn't realize it was that serious. Mike: Well, to be honest, it didn't really hit me until she said she might leave. [Backyard] Orson: Where are our guests? The food's gonna get cold.
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Andrew: Oh, I'll go find them. Bree: And bring some steak sauce. Orson: Oh, you're not gonna need any sauce with these babies. They are seasoned to perfection. Bree: Bring it. Orson: Well, there's no sense in waiting. Dig in. Oh, dear. Are they overcooked? Alex: No, they're well-done. That's the way I like them. Orson: Bree, what do you think? Bree: Oh, I really couldn't say. Orson: You couldn't say if your meat is overcooked? Bree: No. I wouldn't want to upset anyone. Orson: Well, don't worry. You won't upset me. Alex: I don't think she was referring to you. Bree: Well, it's just that grilling is such a manly pastime. If I suggested that Orson somehow failed to produce the perfect steak, you might see it as another example emasculation. Alex: I see. You're not gonna let that go, are you? Bree: Well, for all I know, telling Orson his steak tastes like charcoal might be deballing him. Alex: You know, Bree, you can make your point and still be nice. Bree: You know what else would be nice, Alex? Showing gratitude when people have been generous with you. Orson: Don't listen to her, Alex. She's not mad at you. She's mad at me... and the meat. Alex: Gratitude? What do you mean by that? Bree: I mean I bought you a house. You'd think you'd show me a little respect. Alex: Seriously? You're bringing up the house? Bree: Well, why not? It was a fairly grand gesture on my part. Alex: Yes, and one that apparently comes with strings. Bree: If by "strings," you mean I won't let you be rude to me in my own house, then yes. Alex: You know what? I think I'm going to have to decline your grand gesture. Keep the house. Andrew: What's wrong? Bree: Orson burnt the steaks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews house - basement] Edie: Susan, how can you tell if pickles have botulism? Ah, what the hell? I shoot this stuff into my forehead. Forget it. I'd rather starve for a day or two. By then, you'll be dead, and I can use your remains as a source of protein. Oh, come on. That was funny. Susan: You know... maybe I do feel incomplete without a man. But I... wouldn't trade places with you for anything. You wanna know why? Edie: No, but I'm trapped, so knock yourself out. Susan: It's the way you are with men-- they're like tissues. You use one and then toss it away and then you're on to the next one. At least I'm looking for something real. Edie: So you think this happy ending crap that you believe in is real? Please. I know what men are really like. Susan: Really? Edie: Well, when I was 16, my dad had an affair with this woman who had a 10-year-old daughter. And one day, he told my mom and me that he was leaving us for them. Susan: Oh, my god. Edie: No talking. A week later, he comes to the house to get his stuff, and my mom didn't want to see him, so
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we went to the movies. Now I had this, uh, horse figurine collection. Plastic, glass, ceramic--hundreds of them. Anyway, we come back from the movies, and my dad had taken all his stuff. So...I go into my bedroom, and something seems different. And then I realize all of my horses were gone. My mom called my dad and screamed and all he said was, I was too old for th and that his girlfriend's daughter would appreciate them more. Can you believe that? What a fungus. Oh, god. Are you crying? Susan: It's just... now I get it. Edie: Get what? Susan: All these years, I have judged you, and...it is not your fault. Oh, come here. You are the way you are because of your father. (Edie slaps Susans face.) Susan: Edie, what the hell? Edie: Don't psychoanalyze me, you simp! I was just trying to tell you how selfish men are. Susan: And I was just trying to be nice and give you a free pass for being such a big slut! Edie! -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Okay, girls. Pick up your toys and put 'em in the basket before dinner. Juanita: Dinner's not for two hours. Hey. Gabrielle: I've had enough of your crap. Now pick up these toys! Juanita: No! Gabrielle: Okay, Juanita. What is going on here? Why are you being so difficult? When daddy asks you to do something, you just do it. Juanita: That's because I love daddy more. Gabrielle: Fine. [Outside step] Reggie: Everything okay, Mrs. Solis? Gabrielle: Yeah. just my kids. They really know how push my buttons. Reggie: Oh, yeah. I got a couple monsters at home, too. The key is, you gotta be the bigger monster. Gabrielle: Well, unfortunately, they're not afraid of me. Reggie: Ooh, that's bad. Fear is the foundation of all good parenting. You gotta practice your big voice. Finish that broccoli now! You see how that works? Gabrielle: Yeah. It's very effective. Reggie: Well... Gabrielle: Hey, you got an extra 15 minutes? [Inside] Reggie: Do it! Faster! Faster! Faster! I wanna see this place sparkle! Juanita: Mommy... Gabrielle: It's out of my hands, girls. Word got out that you were disobeying, and they sent Reggie over. Juanita: Who sent Reggie over? Gabrielle: Well, I know how much you love him, but...it was your daddy. Reggie: Enough chatter. Keep moving! When they're done, you want me to make them vacuum? Gabrielle: If you wouldn't mind. Reggie: Nah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews house - basement] Edie: Guess. Susan: Aw, come on, Edie. I said I was sorry.
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Edie: Guess. Susan: July? Edie: Wrong. March! Man, you're bad at this. Guess. Exterminator: Oh, hey, Mrs. Williams. I didn't know you were down here. Susan: Oh, thank god! We've been locked in here all night. Exterminator: Really? Good thing I came by to check the rat traps then. Edie: OhI'm glad I forgot about those until now. Uh, Mayer? I, uh, would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk about what we talked about. Susan: I wasn't planning to. Edie: Good, because I'll deny it if you do. Susan: I won't. Edie: And...I'll kill you. Susan: Good-bye, Edie. Edie: Oh, I'll bring your mail over when I get home. Susan: Thanks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Retirement Home Stellas room] Lynette: Hey, mom. I just came by to tell you that the judge threw out porter's case for lack of evidence. Isn't that great? Mom...I did not put you in here to punish you. I didn't have a choice. Stella: You had a choice. Lynette: No, I didn't. From the moment Glen died, you were out of control. It's true you lost all that money in Vegas. You started drinking again. And how many times did I go to your condo, only to find you asleep on the sofa with a cigarette in your mouth? No, I won't apologize for bringing you here. I did it because I love you. Stella: Then why don't you come visit me? Lynette: It's not a very pleasant experience. Stella: So I yell a little. So I toss a few curse words your way. Big deal! Lynette: Last time I came, you threw pudding at me. Stella: I'm an angry old woman, Lynette! What do you expect? Lynette: Here's a thought--stop being angry. Stella: How? I can't make a friend in this place without having them drop dead of a stroke five minutes later. I-I feel like hell. Every time I look in the mirror, I wanna scream. My anger is all I've got left, baby. If I let go of that, it's over. I know it. The ball game will be over. Lynette: The ball game is going to end whether you like it or not. I would like to be here with you for whatever time you have left. But for that to happen, things have to change. Stella: Would you come visit me more often? Lynette: At least twice a week, and sometimes I'd bring the kids. Stella: I'd like that. You know, they turned out really good. How'd you learn how to be such a good mom? Lynette: I have no idea. Stella: Well, now that you're here, why don't you stay, and we can talk a while? I--and get my flask out of the drawer. Hey, I can't be nice, forgiving and sober all at the same time. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Hey. Juanita: Daddy! Celia: Daddy! Carlos: Missed you guys. You're really helping mommy, huh? That's great.
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Juanita: The scary man told us we had to. Carlos: We don't even know the guy. He left a flier in our mailbox. You left him do your parenting? Gabrielle: Hey, you're the one who told me to get creative. Carlos: This wasn't what I meant! Gabrielle: Easy for you to say. They told me they love you more than me. Carlos: And when I was running things, they said they loved you more. Gabrielle: Really? Carlos: So don't get your feelings hurt, and stop asking strangers to discipline our kids. Gabrielle: Well, I wouldn't have to if you would do it. Carlos: So you want me to go to work all day, go out on business trips, and what little time I have here with the girls, you want me to spend screaming at them? Gabrielle: Just for the first 15 minutes after you walk in the door. Then it's Carlos time. Carlos: Forget it! This was the arrangement you wanted. You made me take this job. Gabrielle: I just wanted us to have a normal life. Carlos: Well, guess what, sweetie? Dad's unhappy at work. Mom's home with the screaming kids. You got one. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Oh, good. You're back. Can we talk? Andrew: If it's about work, yes. If it's about what happened at the barbecue, no. Bree: Fine. Then as my employee, I authorize a 5-minute break so we can talk about my son's boyfriend and his absurd overreaction this afternoon. Andrew: This is it. I'm out of here. Bree: Andrew, please. You were there. Alex started the whole thing. You need to tell him to stop criticizing me. Andrew: I'm--I'm not getting in the middle of this. If you have a problem with Alex, you tell him. Bree: I tried. He won't listen to me. Andrew: Don't you mean obey? He's not your son. He's not your husband. He's not your employee. Not everyone has to listen to you. I'll--I'll do this tomorrow. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mikes house] (The card in the flowers says Dont go.) Katherine: I got the flowers. They were from you, right? Mike: Oh, yeah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Alex: I just have a minute, and I don't want to get into a whole thing with you. Bree: This won't take long. I don't want to fight anymore. Please, just take the house. Alex: I don't know how else to say this. What happened yesterday is gonna happen again. It's not gonna be the last time we fight, 'cause that's who we are. Let's not make it worse by living on top of each other. Bree: Alex... I'm gonna tell you something I haven't told anybody-- not Orson, not Andrew, just you. I know that I've changed since my business took off, but I didn't want to admit it. I've watched myself become selfish, impatient, rude. I was never the type to suffer fools gladly, but now I seem to find fools everywhere. And I don't want to be that way. I need someone who isn't afraid to speak out, to call me out when I cross those lines, and I would love it if you would be that person. Alex: Did my mother-in-law just give me permission to criticize her?
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Bree: Yes, I did. Alex: I'm a lucky guy. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house - doorway] Dave: Edie. Edie: Listen, um...I'm not happy about you lying to me, but I think what we have is real, ah...I'm not ready to throw it away. Dave: Really? Edie: And don't tell anyone, but I'm at the point in my life where I could use a happy ending. Dave: I'll get my stuff. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Jackson: (on phone) Hello? Susan: (on phone) Jackson, hi. Do you have a sec? Jackson: (on phone) Sure. Is something wrong? Susan: (on phone) Uh, no, nothing's wrong. Just...we need to talk about this move. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: At 5:15 that afternoon, Edie Williams began calling her friends to inform them that her husband had come home. Sadly, she never got through to any of them. Gabrielle never picked up. She was too busy watching her children being told they had to obey their mother...and trying not to smile. Lynette wasn't home when Edie called. She was with her mother, laughing and sharing stories about the old days...and enjoying every minute of it. Bree was outside showing her future son-in-law color samples for the home she had bought him...and smiling politely when they disagreed. And Susan-- well, she didn't answer because she was sitting in her favorite chair with a cup of tea...learning to enjoy, for the first time in her life, what it was like to be alone. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X13 The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Eli Scruggs was the handiest of all handymen. You could ask any of his customers, and they would tell you, there was nothing he couldn't fix. Whether it was a broken vase...a leaky pipe...or a shaky banister, Eli always knew how to get the job done. But sadly, the man who had fixed so many things for the residents of Wisteria Lane was now about to break the hearts. [Outside Susans house front yard] Mrs. McCluskey: Eli Scruggs, get down from there! Eli: Mrs. McCluskey. Mrs. McCluskey: Just found this note in my mailbox. Says you're retiring? What the hell? Eli: Yes, ma'am. It's true. Mrs. McCluskey: Now why would you want to do something stupid like that? Eli: My doc says I got a bum ticker, have to take it easy from now on. Well, once I'm done fixing Mrs. Mayer's shingle I'm on a plane to Waikiki. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, this is very annoying. Who's gonna fix my water heater when it breaks?
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Eli: Oh, I met this young guy named Toby. Very bright, just turned 30. He'll take care of you. Mrs. McCluskey: Ah, damn it, Eli! I am not comfortable with strangers in my house. Took me ten years to trust you. Eli: I know. Mrs. McCluskey: Most of those guys leave tools and nails all over the place. You never leave a mess. Eli: Thank you, ma'am. Mrs. McCluskey: Have you told everyone else you're leaving? Eli: I left copies of that same note in everybody's mailbox. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, that's not right. After all these years, people will want to say good-bye, and...you know, maybe throw you a party or somethin'. Eli: Oh, no. I prefer to go quietly, if you know what I mean. I don't want a big fuss. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, I'll miss you, Eli. There will never be another one like you. Mary Alice Voiceover: With that Eli Scruggs climbed his ladder for the very last time. And once he had finished making his last repair, Eli Scruggs--quietly, with no fuss--had a heart attack and died. And most importantly...without leaving a mess. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It took an hour for someone to finally notice the body laying atop Susan Mayer's roof. It was less than ten minutes later that the neighbors began arriving, Each determined to get a look at the various paramedics and policemen who were all frantically trying to figure out exactly how to bring the body down. And it took two days for my friends to realize this tragedy had affected them... [Gabrielles house] Bree: We're ready! Come on. Mary Alice Voiceover:more than they were willing to admit. Susan: Hey, Gaby, did you remember to get change? 'Cause when I cash in my chips, I don't want to hear you say, "All I've got is $50s." Lynette: Speaking of cashing in your chips, anyone know when Eli's funeral is? Bree: Oh, I think it's Saturday. Susan: I wonder how many people are gonna show up. Mrs. McCluskey was saying he didn't have much family. Lynette: Poor Eli. We should make sure he's got flowers at his funeral. Susan: I'm in. How much are we talking? Bree: I don't know. What do you think, Gaby? Gaby? [Flashback Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Wow! Jimmy Choo! Oh, Carlos! These aren't even in the states yet. What's the catch? Carlos: What are you talking about? Gabrielle: You never buy me a present unless I'm mad or about to be mad. And I don't think I am, so why am I about to be? Carlos: I have to go to Cleveland tomorrow. Gabrielle: Carlos! Carlos: They're begging me. The merger's going south. Gabrielle: You just got home! Carlos: With shoes. Gabrielle: Don't leave me here. I'm going out of my mind. Everyone is so boring and suburban. And how many freakin' honor students N that school have?
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Carlos: Can we please not argue in front of the handyman? Gabrielle: He has a name. What's your name? Eli: Eli Scruggs. Gabrielle: You hear that, Carlos? You've brought me to a place where people are named "Eli Scruggs." Carlos: Fine. I'll give up my job...and everything that comes with it. Gabrielle: Not the Jimmy Choos. They're the only friends I've got. Carlos: Thought so. I'm going to pack. Eli: You know, it's none of my business... Gabrielle: You're right. It's not. Eli: But the ladies in this neighborhood are actually pretty nice. Gabrielle: Yeah. They came by, brought muffins. One of 'em wants her basket back. Eli: That'd be Bree. Anyhow, she and the other ladies, uh, play poker every week. If you'd like, I could talk to 'em, see if they'll let you host a game. Mary: Hi. We're, um...the neighborhood. Gabrielle invited us to play poker. Susan: So...is she in? Yao Lin: Mrs. Solis will be right down. She likes to make an entrance. Bree: What does that mean, "an entrance"? Gabrielle: Hello there. Welcome to my home. Lynette: Oh. That's what it means. Gabrielle: So I said, "Pumpkin"-- that's what I call Jon Bon Jovi-- I said, "Pumpkin, even if I could steer a yacht, I'm certainly not about to do it in 5-inch heels." True story. Lynette: Well, you've certainly had quite a glamorous life. Gabrielle: Well, it was before my husband moved me here to east nowhere. Seriously, I don't know how you girls do it. Susan: Do what? Gabrielle: Get out of bed in the morning. I've only lived here a month, and I want to put a gun to my head. You know what I mean? Bree: No, we don't. Gabrielle: There are no good nightclubs, no theater. What do you do for a good time? Lynette: Well, we watch the kids play soccer. Mary: And the school drama department puts on some really great shows. Bree: And then there's church, of course. Gabrielle: Church. Oh, you're serious. Susan: Look, I know it's quiet here, but I think you'll find there's a real charm to Fairview. Gabrielle: No, no, it's cute. It's cute. I get that. It's just... I was a top-tier fashion model, and I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to the fact that the best part of my life is behind me. Good-bye Doi Vod shots with Kate Moss, and hello to sipping international coffee with you girls. Full house. Yao Lin: Yes? Eli: Hello. Is Mrs. Solis here? Gabrielle: Oh, I got it. I got it. Go, go, go, go, go. Eli: Ma'am, here's the bill for fixing your sink. Gabrielle: Okay. Thank you. Eli: By the way...you made quite an impression at the poker game.
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Gabrielle: Really? Eli: Oh, yeah. The ladies can't stop talking about you. Gabrielle: Well, I'm sure it was kind of exciting for them to have a star their midst. Eli: Uh, let me think... did they say "star"? I heard, uh, "stuck-up," "obnoxious," "bitch." Gabrielle: What? Eli: You know, I went out on a limb to get you into that game, and then you go in there acting like you're better than they are. Gabrielle: Oh, clothes said that, not me. Eli: Well, did you ask them anything about their lives? Gabrielle: Why would they want to talk about their lives? Their lives are boring. Eli: Well, you know what's gonna be really boring? You sitting here alone in this big house without any friends. If I were you, I'd drop the attitude. Learn to like your neighbors. Gabrielle: Well, thanks for the advice. You wanna add that your bill? Eli: No. It's on the house. [Lynettes house] Gabrielle: I brought muffins. Lynette: That's so nice. We were just... Gabrielle: Playing poker, and I wasn't invited. I know. I get it. I just wanted to tell you guys I know I made a horrible first impression. Now you know why models don't usually talk. Because we say a lot of stupid, patronizing things that make people want to avoid us. What I should've said was...my husband's never home. I miss the city. I miss my life. I'm lonely all the time...and I could really use some friends. Anyway, here. Bree: Now that's how you make an entrance. [Flashback finishes] Bree: Gaby? Gabrielle: I'm sorry. What? Susan: We're getting a wreath for Eli's funeral. Are you in? Gabrielle: Actually, why don't you let me pay for it? It can still be from all of us. Lynette: No, you don't have to do that. Gabrielle: I sort of do. Now let's play some poker. Lynette: All right, time for my luck to change. This hand is for Eli. Hmm, next hand is for Eli. Susan: You know, if we're gonna have a get-together after the funeral, we should start thinking about food. Gabrielle: And by "we" and "food," you mean Bree, right? Susan: I thought that was clear. Bree: I'd be happy to. Any special requests? Lynette: How about we pick something from your cookbook? Bree: Great. Gaby, do you have your copy? Gabrielle: I'll go get it. Bree: You use my cookbook to balance your table? Gabrielle: Oh, it's only temporary. Juanita needed her coloring book back. Susan(?): All right. Gabrielle: Watch out, ladies. [Flashback Brees house backyard] Bree: I'm sorry if the frittata is a bit dry. Tom: Are you kidding? It's great. You should give Lynette the recipe. Lynette: Yes, 'cause that's what women in their eighth month really crave--more stove time.
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Bree: Mine is so erratic. I'm not even sure what the real temperature is. Of course, if a certain doctor would loosen the purse strings... Rex: We're not getting a new stove. Bree: If you would just take on a few more patients, we could afford it. Rex: Well, if I'm not supporting you adequately, my dear, by all means, feel free to do something about it. Bree: Such as? Rex: Well, you could maybe...I don't know, get a job? Bree: I have a job. I'm a homemaker. Tom: And a damn good one. So to make this, you--you just sauce, some ham and some onions Lynette: It's not happening, Tom. Rex: I just sometimes think maybe you would appreciate the value of a dollar more if you had to work outside the home. Bree: And I think you would appreciate my value more if, for once, you had to cook your own food and wash your own clothes. Tom: Lynette makes me sew my own buttons. Lynette: I'll sew anything you want if you just stop getting me pregnant. Bree: I want a new stove, Rex, and if I need to get a job to pay for it, so be it. Tom: If you're looking for a stove, we've got one that's hardly ever been used. Lynette: I wish I could say the same for my uterus. Oh, yeah. I ruined the brunch. Rex: Hey, how's it looking under there, Eli? Is it gonna cost me an arm and a leg? Eli: Nah. A few fingers, maybe. Rex: Honey, my stomach's growling. When's dinner? Bree: Oh, we're having leftovers. You can heat them up yourself if you want. Rex: Since when do we have leftovers? Bree: Since I started writing my own cookbook. Remember how you told me I should start making my own money? Well, I've been going through all my old recipes, and I've got this great idea for a real home-style American cookbook. Rex: You're not serious? Bree: Why wouldn't I be? People are always complimenting me on my cooking. Rex: You're great, but come on. Every bored housewife who pulls off a decent lasagna thinks she can write a cookbook. Bree: You think I'm just like every other housewife? Rex: No. No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. It's just that...what do you really know about writing? Bree: I'll learn. And I want it to be more than just a cookbook. I want to talk about traditional values and give helpful hints about homemaking. Rex: Look, look, this is my fault. You know, I-I was ribbing you the other day about getting a job, but you took it seriously. If y really want a new stove, I'll get you a stove. Now can you stop this foolishness and make me something to eat that isn't leftovers? Eli: Mrs. Van de Kamp? I fixed your banister. Should be fine now. I'll just go. You can pay me whenever. I know this is a rough time for you. Bree: Thanks, Eli. Eli: By the way, the service for Mr. V. was really nice. Bree: You were there? Eli: I sat in the back of the church. I wanted to say good-bye to Mr. V. So, uh...have you thought about what
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you're gonna do now? Bree: You mean, with my life? I don't know. Eli: Mrs. V...I've been meaning to give this to you for a while now...but I, uh, could never find the right moment. I kept it for you, just in case you might need it someday. Hope you don't mind. Oh, I gotta tell you. I made your Cajun meatloaf. That may be my favorite meal ever. Bree: I can't believe you saved this. Of course, I'm not really in the mood to write a cookbook right now. Eli: Well... maybe one day you will be. [Flashback finishes] Susan: Hey, Bree, I know what you can make for the wake--that flaky-breaded-shrimp thing. Bree: Thanks, but I know exactly what I'm gonna make. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: Dave, it was a nice trip, but I gotta tell you, I don't know why we spent all that money going to the Bahamas. If we're not gonna leave the hotel room, then why not just cover ourselves in suntan lotion and have sex here? Dave: You just got a message from Mrs. McCluskey. She said your handyman died. Edie: Eli? Oh, my god. Dave: He was working on Susan's roof and dropped dead of a heart attack. Can you believe that? [Flashback] Edie: No, no, no. You are not going to the gym again. You said we were gonna have afternoon sex. Umberto: We'll do it when I get back. Edie: You say that every time, Umberto, and then you're too tired. Umberto: Maybe I wouldn't be if you weren't so clingy. Edie: Clingy? We haven't had sex in two weeks. It's like I'm 15 again. What's wrong with us? Umberto: Not us. You. Your libido is out of control. Edie: Umberto Umberto: Look, you've got a drawerful of toys. Use 'em. Edie: Eli! I-I forgot you were in there. Eli: Yeah. I'm done fixing your faucet. Actually, I was done ten minutes ago, but I was afraid to come out. Edie: I'm sorry you heard all of that. Eli: The good news is, while I was in there, I re-grouted your tub...free of charge. Edie: Wait a second. What do you think of my ass? Eli: Sorry? Edie: My ass--on a scale from one to ten. Eli: Well, I-I-I, uh... Edie: Ticktock. Eli: Ten. It's a ten. Edie: And the boobs? Perky and firm? Eli: You've named them? Edie: Oh, come on, Eli. My husband won't have sex with me. I just need to make sure it's not... me. Eli: It's not you. Edie: Are you sure? Eli: Trust me. I used to work in construction. My buddies would've gone crazy for you-- catcalls, uh, nasty gestures. "Hey, you, with the sweater meats! If you ever need any work done, call me! 'Cause I got the perfect tool for the job!" Y-you get the drift.
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Edie: Yeah. I do. That was insulting and demeaning. Thank you so much. Eli: Miss Britt? The door was wide open. I got the paint. You want to check the color? Is everything okay? Edie: Things are great. You want some wine? We're celebrating. Eli: What's the occasion? Edie: I am no longer married to a gay guy. Eli: Umberto was gay? Edie: So you wasted your time installing that light in the closet, because...he went flying out of there. Eli: At least you know now it wasn't you. Edie: Wasn't it? He said that being married to me was what convinced him that he liked men. You could imagine what a boost to the ego that was. Eli: Come on. You had a gay guy sleeping with you for two years, and those guys are pretty hard to land. No. No, trust me. No need to be sad. You're a knockout. No, I-I-I need this hand back. It's hard to be a handyman without a-a hand. (Edie gives Eli a very passionate kiss.) Miss Britt, what are you doing? Edie: You put the mirror over my bed. You know exactly what I'm doing. Eli: Are you sure about this? I don't want to take advantage of you. Edie: Oh, I'm sure you'll be gentle. [Flashback finishes] Dave: Anyway, I guess they're burying him on Saturday. Obviously, you want to go. Edie: Yeah. I do. Oh, leave that black dress out. I'll get it dry-cleaned for the funeral. Dave: A little sexy for a funeral, isn't it? Edie: Oh, I don't think Eli would mind. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Penny: Mom? Lynette: That's Penny. I'll be right back. Penny: Mom! Lynette: Hey, sweetie. What's up? Penny: You said you would help me with my math. We're dividing fractions. Lynette: Oh. I wish you'd caught me two chardonnays ago. Penny: Mom, you promised. Lynette: I know, but mommy's still planning Eli's memorial. Start without me. I'll be there in a little while. [Flashback Lynettes house - bathroom] Tom: Oh, my gosh. Lynette, are you okay? Lynette: The doctor just called. I'm pregnant. Tom: This is fantastic! You-Lynette: Yeah. Whoop-dee-doo. Tom: Honey, you don't sound too happy about this. Lynette: I was planning to go back to work. Tom: What? What awhat are you talking about? Lynette: I had it in the back of my mind for a while, and then yesterday, I got a ph-Tom: Hold it. Sorry. I was having trouble paying attention. Lynette: Jeffrey Cuevas is retiring in September. I am the perfect person to step into his job, and that is exactly when Parker starts kindergarten. The timing is like a dream. Tom: But what about our dream of having a-a little girl? This could be our chance. Lynette: Oh, please. You know it's gonna be a boy. It's always a boy. It's just gonna pee in my face and hide
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dead things in my shoes. I am doing this, Tom. I am going after this job. Tom: But who's gonna take care of the kids? Lynette: Well, I was hoping you could cut back on your hours at work. Tom: I can't do that. I have a career. Lynette: You did not just say that. Tom: No, I-I didn't. I didn't. Lynette: Tom, I cannot just stay at home wiping noses. I need it for my sanity, and I need you to back me up. Tom: Well, the kids are up. They're gonna want their breakfast. And I'm gonna back you up by, uh, making it for 'em. Lynette: My hero. Lynette: (on phone) Jeff Cuevas is fantastic, but I know I could take his department to a whole new level. Tom: What the hell is that? Lynette: Oh, my water broke. Take the overnight bag out to the car. (on phone) Oh, three weeks. That's a little soon, but, uh, sure, I could make that work. Tom: For god sakes, Lynette, we gotta go to the hospital. Lynette: In a minute. I'm trying to lock this job down. (on phone) What kind of perks are we talking about here? Tom: Okay, you're having contractions. That's it. You-Lynette: I swear, if you touch this phone, I will have this baby right here and then beat you with it! Tom: You're insane. We have to go. Lynette: (on phone) Could you hold on one second? Lynette: We agreed I could go back to work after I gave birth. Tom: After, Lynette, not during! Lynette: (on phone) I'm sorry. Is there any way we could finish this conversation tomorrow? L-l-later in the day works better for me, too. Well, thank you very much. Bye. Lynette: I got the job. Tom: Congratulations. The baby's arm is sticking out. Why don't you high-five it? Lynette: Tom, I am in pain. Do you mind? You'll see, Tom. I know. People say that you...you can't have it all, but I know we can. Lynette: (on phone) Oh, Mr. Swenson, I can't tell you how excited I am. Maybe you could schedule a staff meeting so I could hit the ground running on Monday. No, no. No, it can't be Friday, because, remember, we agreed that we would start next week? So again, thank you so much for this opportunity. Eli: Mrs. Scavo? Lynette: Yeah? Eli: I think you might have forgotten somethin'. Lynette: (on phone) Could you hold on a second? Lynette: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. I was on the phone. I was talking to my new boss, and I... Eli: She was only in there for a minute. Lynette: But it's 85 degrees outside. I've never done this before. Eli: You got a lot on your mind-- three kids and a newborn, it sounds like a new job. Lynette: Yeah, I do. Eli: Yeah. It's a lot to handle. There you go. I should probably get back to Susan's windows. Uh, you take care. Mr. Swenson: (on phone) Lynette, are you still there? Lynette? Hello? Are you still there?
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[Flashback finishes] Gabrielle: Hey. You coming back in? Lynette: No. I'm gonna go help my daughter with her homework. Hey, Penny! Wait up! -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Yard sale! Good. You're here. How are you, Eli? Eli: Fine. You? Susan: Great. Yeah, I haven't worn these jeans in a while, and I found 20 bucks in the pocket. Don't you just love when that happens? Also, Karl left me for his secretary, so I need you to change these locks. Eli: Oh, I'm so sorry. Susan: Oh, thanks, but don't be. Just hurry. Karl said he was coming by to get some of his stuff, and I want this place to be a fortress by then. Eli: You're doing all right, though? Susan: Oh, well, on one hand, I got dumped for a pair of headlights named Brandy. On the other, I reported Karl's credit cards stolen, and cut the pockets out of all of his pants. So a little from column "A," a little from column "B." Sorry. Eli: Well, if it's any consolation, redheads are nuts. Susan: What do you mean? Eli: That she'll make his life a living hell. It sounds like what he deserves. Susan: Brandy's not a redhead. She's blonde. Eli: So, uh, you maybe want to go with a dead bolt this time? Susan: What...do...you...know? Eli: I saw him around town a couple times with a redhead. Uh, people in the neighborhood were talking. I-I thought you knew. Susan: I didn't. Eli: Would you feel any better knowing that, uh, she's kinda chubby? Susan: Just leave! Eli: But what--but what about the locks? Susan: I-I-if Karl's coming...change the locks, then leave. Eli: Okay, but I really am sorry Susan: Change the locks, don't talk to me, then leave. Eli: Susan? Susan, did you call me? I couldn't really understand the message. You want me to come back later? Are you all right? No. Of course you're not. I heard you and Mike are getting divorced. I'm sorry. Probably not what you want to hear, but I thought you were a great couple. Susan: Thanks. Eli: Sweet. Do you--maybe you remember what you wanted me to do? Susan: Locks. Eli: Change the locks. Got it. Let me go see what I got out in the truck. Eli: Susan... I don't know much about love. I...I dabbled in it once or twice, but it always seemed more trouble than it was worth. I told myself I wasn't missing much. But watching you all these years, how...how hard you've tried, how...how hurt you've been, but you still...keep getting back up, you dust yourself off, then you try again. Maybe I am...missing something. Maybe...maybe it is worth it. And, um, I'm sure it's not gonna help for you to hear tell you this, but you're damn heroic to me. You are. Yeah. Eli: Hey. Just dropping these off. I finally got 'em cut. Tell Jackson I'm sorry it took me so long.
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Susan: Actually, um...Jackson and I split up. Eli: Wow, I'm sorry. Am I sorry? Susan: Oh, yeah. He's a great guy. I just, uh, want to be alone right now. Eli: Well, good for you. Susan: As long as you're here, I think there's a loose shingle on my roof. Do you think maybe you could fix it for me? Eli: Oh, I'd be happy to. But just so you know, it'll be the last thing I ever fix for you. I'm retiring. Susan: What? Eli: Today's my last day. Susan: You can't retire. I break too many things. Eli: I know. You paid for the trip to Hawaii I'm gonna take. No, it's the right move. Be happy for me. Susan: Hey, I am happy for you. It's just, uh...this is gonna sound crazy. Eli: What? Susan: Um, I think you have been the most consistent male relationship in my life. You're so stable and reliable, and I just...always thought you'd be around. Which is funny, because I don't really know anything about you. Eli: Well, how about this--I fix your shingle, and when I'm one, you can ask me anything you want. Susan: Great. I will go to the store right now and get some wine so we can toast your retirement. Eli: I like that. Perfect way to end my time on Wisteria Lane. Susan: Okay. What kind do you like-- red or white? Eli: Either one. Just make sure it's a screw top. Mary Alice Voiceover: Eli Scruggs was buried on a Saturday...and all the people that eli had helped over the years came to pay their last respects. But one person was missing--someone who had changed Eli's life...in a way he never forgot. [Marys house front yard] Eli: Excuse me, ma'am. Hope I'm not interrupting your day. Mary: Not at all. Can I help you? Eli: I was hoping I could help you. I'm a handyman. Just moved into town. Looking for work. Mary: Sorry. I, um, I don't have anything that needs fixing. Eli: Well, if you ever do, uh, here's my card. Mary: "Eli Scruggs." What a distinctive name. Eli: People do seem to remember it. So if any of your friends, uh, need help, I can do pretty much anything. Mary: I don't know. If you have an extra card or two, I-I could hand them out. Eli: Oh, I'd really appreciate that. Anyway...thank you for your time. Mary: I have a broken vase. Eli: I'm sorry? Mary: I-I was, uh, dusting the other day and knocked it off the bureau, like an idiot. Anyway, I saved the pieces. If you could glue it back together for me, I'd really appreciate it. Eli: Oh, ma'am, you don't have to do that. Mary: Mr. Scruggs, I need my vase fixed. It means a lot to me. Now you're not gonna make me beg, are you? Eli: No, ma'am, I'm not. Mary: Good. Come on in. Eli: Mrs. Young? Didn't mean to disturb you. Your front door was wide open. Mary: Eli, I-I don't have any work for you day.
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Eli: I'm just here to drop off that handle you wanted. Finally found one that matched. Want me to install it? Mary: Not today. Eli: Okay. I'll just be going then. Mary: Eli, wait. Eli: What? Mary: Do you remember this? Eli: Oh, right. Mary: This is the very first thing you ever fixed for me. Eli: Yeah, that must have been what, uh, two years ago? I just that glue really held. Mary: Yeah. I want you to have it. Eli: What? Why? Mary: I've just been doing some thinking about the people I know, the ones who've walked into my life d made it better than it was before...People like you. Anyway, I've--I've-- I've never said "thank you." Eli: Oh, no, I'm--I'm the one who should thank you. You--you introduced me to all your friends. My business couldn't be better. Mary: I'm so glad. Eli: Yeah. Mary: Anyway, I, uh, I want you to have this. Eli: Mrs. Young...Are you all right? Mary: Everything's fine. Eli: Are you sure? Mary: You should go now. (The note says, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID IT MAKES ME SICK IM GOING TO TELL) Mrs. Huber: So I look in the window, and there's blood everywhere--all over the walls and the ceiling...Not to mention, her hardwood floors, which she just had installed last week. I don't know what she was thinking. I just wish there had been some warning, some sign that she would do such a thing. Mary Alice Voiceover: Eli Scruggs sat in his truck for almost an hour, devastated that he had done nothing to save me. He then made a quiet vow to god--from that moment forward, he would do what he could to help people, to help them fix their lives. And for the re of his life, that's exactly what he did. Bree: That was a lovely service. Gabrielle: Eli would've liked it. Edie: Hell of a turnout. Lynette: Who knew he had so many friends? Susan: I'm not surprised. He was a good man. Lynette: I can't help feeling there's more we could have done to honor him. Susan: Well, let's just make sure we remember him. Gabrielle: Eli would have said that's more than most people get. Edie: And he would have been right...as usual. Bree: Wait. I wanted to fix something for Eli for a change. Mary Alice Voiceover: And somewhere, in a place reserved for the very best of us, Eli Scruggs smiled and said, "Thank you." ~The End~
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P.S. CONGRATULATIONS! HOUSEWIVES.
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EPISODES!
THANK
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DESPERATED
Desperate Housewives 5X14 Mama spent money when she had none -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Policeman: Porter Scavo, you are under arrest. Tom: What? Porter had nothing to do with that fire. Policeman: Apparently there is a witness that says otherwise. Lynette: A witness? What are they talking about? Mary Alice Voiceover: Porter was accused but not convicted. Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine's love affair... Katherine: I got the flowers. Mary Alice Voiceover:became serious. Gabrielle: Mommy needs to lose a few pounds. You wanna help mommy be beautiful again? Juanita: No. Mary Alice Voiceover: As did Gaby's resolve. Bree: Here's my cookbook. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Bree's success came at a price. Orson: You can be a little tough sometimes. It's only to be expected. Bree: I don't think I do that. Orson: I know you don't. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: People don't talk about money in the suburbs...Mostly because they don't need to. The ones who have it let you know with their brand-new clothes...their expensive appliances...and their manicured lawns. The ones who don't have it let you know with barbecues that need replacing...Walls that need painting...And classic cars...that need to be sold. [Outside Lynettes house] Lynette: Hey you go, Walter. She's all yours. Walter: This is so awesome! Where's Tom? I wanna thank him for making this the greatest day of my life. Lynette: He's inside, but between sobs, he wished you happy driving. Katherine: Where is that man going with Tom's car? Lynette: Oh, that man is Walter Brotski, and he just bought it. Katherine: Tom loves that car. Why would you sell it? Lynette: Sadly, we can no longer afford Tom's midlife crisis. Okay, here's the deal. We're... Sort of broke. Katherine: Oh. Lynette. Lynette: Between Porter's legal fees and that ghost town that we call a restaurant... Katherine: I thought Scavo's was doing well. Lynette: When times get tough, people do without things like pizza and sports cars. Katherine: I am so sorry. I had no idea.
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Lynette: It's okay. Just keep it under your hat. It's a little embarrassing. Katherine: You should not be embarrassed. This is a horrible economy. We're all in the same boat. Bree: Hello, ladies. What do you think? Katherine: You bought a new car? Bree: My book just made the "Times'" best seller list. Now they're talking 3-book deal, so I got the urge to splurge. And look what just blew on my windshield at the stop sign! Life is good. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, people don't talk about money in the suburbs because when they do, other people get angry. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Mary Alice Voiceover: Whenever someone on Wisteria Lane buys a new car, a simple ritual is performed. Bree: So how do you like my new car? Edie: It's gorgeous! Katherine: I am so jealous. Gabrielle: I wish I had one. Mary Alice Voiceover: But on this day, one of the owner's friends refused to participate in the ritual. And even more surprisingly, the owner of the car in question didn't seem to notice. Bree: Look, there's even a refrigerator. The Lexus dealer said there's just enough room for a split of champagne and two chilled glasses. And the best thing is, it's a hybrid so you can barely hear it. Let me show you. Lynette: Actually, I have to go to work. But congratulations, Bree. It's a beauty. Bree: Was it just me, or was that a little abrupt? Katherine: Eh, don't take it personally. I think she's got other things on her mind. Bree: Oh, dear. Is something wrong? Katherine: Well...apparently, she and Tom are having financial problems. They just had to sell Tom's car. Edie: And you know, I saw her at the recycling center. She was turning her cans in for money. Gabrielle: Yikes. That's, like, a half a step away from selling your eggs on the internet. Bree: And here I am, rubbing my fabulous new car in her face. I feel awful. Edie: Oh, don't. How could you have known? Bree: Thank god I didn't show her how the car parks itself. Katherine: But you're gonna show us, right? Bree: Well, it is pretty amazing! -----------------------------------------------------------[The Oakridge School - Mr. Hobsons office] Mr. Hobson: Well, it's nice to see you again, Mrs. Mayer. Susan: Thank you for agreeing to see us, Mr. Hobson. Running a school like Oakridge mustn't leave you with much...free time. Mr. Hobson: Happy to oblige. Susan: So I heard through the grapevine that there might be an opening for another student? Mr. Hobson: I assume you're referring to the Henderson boy's expulsion? Susan: Yeah. He bit his teacher, huh? They had that problem with their older boy, Toby. It's a family of biters. Mr. Hobson: Well, the whole situation was incredibly unfortunate. But...we can't tolerate that kind of behavior. Susan: Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that with M.J.. He's so well-behaved. Mr. Hobson: Look, I know how much you want your son at Oakridge. You've called us every week for the past
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five months. Susan: I've been too pushy. Oh, please don't take it out on M.J.. He is such a bright kid. Say something in Spanish. M.J.: I'm bored. Susan: Be bored in Spanish. Mr. Hobson: Mrs. Mayer, you can relax. We would love to have M.J. Join us here. Susan: Seriously? Mr. Hobson: Yes. As a matter of fact, his name was first on our waiting list. Susan: Fantastic! Mr. Hobson: Here's a schedule for you. Here are some insurance forms you need to fill out. And here's the tuition. As you can see, it's gone up a tad. Susan: Yeah. That's quite a tad. But we're starting in the middle of the year, so we'd only pay half, right? Mr. Hobson: Yes. We've already prorated it. That is half. Susan: Fantastic. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Hey, I just thought of a way for us to celebrate our anniversary next week. What do you think about dinner at the Palm? Gabrielle: The Palm? As in, "They don't even show the prices on the menu" the Palm? Honey, we're still paying off credit card debt. Carlos: Not anymore. The deal closed. I got the bonus. Gabrielle: Oh, my god! That's great! Oh, why didn't you tell me this when you were begging for sex this morning? You would've closed that deal, too. We're rich again! Hallelujah! Carlos: Well, we are not "lighting cigars with $5 bills" rich, but we are headed in the right direction. Gabrielle: Honey, we're gonna be us again--the old Carlos and Gaby. You know what? I'm gonna wear my dress from the night you proposed. Carlos: You still fit in that? We're rich again! Hallelujah! Gabrielle: Have you not noticed me working my butt off? I'm almost back to the weight I was when we got married! Carlos: All I meant was...you don't have to wear an old dress. I will buy you a new one. Gabrielle: No, no. This'll be way more romantic. I'm one good colonic away from being the old me! Carlos: I'll call the restaurant. They can write that on the cake. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house - garage] Bob: Sorry. I know how much you loved that car. Tom: This is all I have to remember her by. I called her "Foxy." You wanna know why? Lee: No. Dave: Tom. I just heard. You sold the car? Tom: Yeah. Well, we needed the money. The restaurant is dying. Apparently, people don't wanna buy their pizza from parents of an alleged arsonist. Dave: Yeah, but Porter didn't do it. Tom: Well, maybe people till think that he's guilty, or maybe it's the economy. Or maybe it's both. I don't know. All I know is, I am driving a "dad car" while some other guy is out rolling with Foxy. Dave: Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. Bob: We should get going. But if we can help in any way, um, let us know. Okay? Tom: Thanks.
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[Outside] Lee: Okay, what just happened back there? Bob: Nothing. Lee: Oh, yeah. Like that's gonna work. Why can't you ever remember who you're dealing with? Bob? Bob? Bob? Bob-- I can keep this up all day. Bob? Bob: Fine. The day the case against Porter was dismissed, I was going over the discovery materials that the D.A. sent me. Lee: Okay? So? Bob: The witness who put Porter in the storage room at the club, the only one linking him directly to the arson--Tom's helpful buddy there--Dave Williams. Lee: What? Bob: Yeah. Porter wasn't even in the building. What the hell is Dave doing? Lee: I don't know, but we have to tell Tom and Lynette. Bob: No, that'll just get ugly. Lee: I'm okay with that. Bob: Lee, the charges have been dropped. It's no longer our business. Besides, there's something about that Dave guy that scares me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Oh, I don't get it! I'm only a few pounds away from my runway weight. Jean: You want me to let it out? Gabrielle: That would be cheating. I'm gonna try to go pee again. Jean: It's okay. You've had two children. The weight redistributes. Give in to it! I did. Gabrielle: Jean, you didn't just give in to it. You slapped a piece of cheese on it. Yeah, I said it. Now just fix the hem. And this time, try not to leave the edges frayed. Hey, Edie! Wait up! [Outside] Gabrielle: Now don't forget, the clasp is broken. Jean: Oh, I'll replace it. It may not match exactly. But, um, your hair will cover it. Gabrielle: Jean, Carlos is taking me to the Palm, not out for Hoagies. Make it perfect. Edie: I see Jean is back. Gabrielle: Ah, yeah. Times are good. Not for her. Her, Mrs. McCluskey said something about you losing 5 pounds in one day. How'd you do that? Edie: I got drunk on Bourbon and threw up all over her lawn. Gabrielle: No, not that story. Something about a boot camp. Edie: Oh, yea. Just started. Very military, very intense. Gabrielle: That's perfect. I'm trying to fit in an old dress. I need intense. Edie: Forget it. You can't get in without a recommendation, and I'm not recommending you. Gabrielle: Why not? Edie: Because you'd embarrass me. This is real exercise. It's not the lotus position followed by a Mocha Latte. Gabrielle: Oh, you're just afraid I'm gonna look better than you! Edie: 6:00 a.m., the park. Prepare to die. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Jeez. This is the tuition? We're gonna blow his college fund on first grade. Susan: I know, I know. We may have to give up a few luxuries.
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Mike: Yeah, like food and heat. Susan: Okay, you know the problems they're having at his school. And now with all the budget cutbacks...I mean, this place is fabulous. Mike: Yeah, I'm not saying it's not. I'd kill to send him there. But I just can't swing it. Susan: Well, we've gotta do something. My editor just quit, and my books are not exactly flying off the shelves. Could you pick up some extra shifts? Mike: Oh, yeah, I will...as soon as they create a 30-hour day. I'm working around the clock. Susan: What about that big job you just did for the last three months? What did you do with that money? Mike: Susan, we're not married anymore. And what I do with my money is none of your business. Susan: Yeah, well, if we were still married, you'd...probably would've waited until I finished my sentence. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Lynette: What's this? Bree: A check. I understand you and Tom are going through some rough times. Lynette: No. Thank you, but I can't accept this. However, I would like to know how much I'm not accepting. $20,000? How many cookbooks are you selling, woman? Bree: We just went to a second printing, and now they're talking a 3-book deal. So seriously, I am not gonna miss that money. Lynette: That must be nice. But...I can't accept it. Bree: Why not? What's the point of success if you can't share it with the people you love? Lynette: Because the people that you love may not be able to pay you back, and then you stop loving them. Bree: Then it's not a loan, it's a gift. Don't you have a birthday coming up? Lynette: And so do you. And I'm gonna feel real crappy when you unwrap your lavender bath beads. Bree: Come on, Lynette. You can't tell me this money won't take the pressure off. Lynette: It would. But I can't. I wouldn't want it to affect our friendship. Bree: Okay. Lynette: Although...how would you like to own a piece of an Italian restaurant? Bree: What? Lynette: It wouldn't be a loan or a gift. It would be...an investment that would buy you, say...15% of Scavo's. Bree: Well, that's an intriguing offer. Lynette: If we do well, you get a cut of the profits. If we go belly-up, we liquidate, and you get the first $20,000. And then, of course, my family moves in with you. So...do we have a deal? Bree: We most certainly do...partner. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Yaniv: Some people think it's strange I have a contract for my exercise class. But I want people to understand the commitment I expect from them. I found in the past-Gabrielle: Here you go. All signed. Yaniv: You didn't even read it. Gabrielle: Oh, no need. I'm up for anything. Although I did just get a manicure, so nothing that might chip a nail. Yaniv: Mrs. Solis...Let me tell you what I learn in the Israeli army. A group without commitment is a group that will fail. The women in my morning class are committed. I am starting to think that you are not tough enough. Gabrielle: Not tough enough? Let me tell you something, Mr. Iraqi army guy. Yaniv: Israeli.
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Gabrielle: Whatever. I used to be a model, and you don't know what war is until you've been in a dressing room with a bunch of size zeroes reaching for the last rice cake. I am plenty tough. Yaniv: I'm not so sure. Gabrielle: Hey, I know some of those women in your exercise class. The most exercise they ever get is cutting a piece of cake. Yaniv: That's a lap! Gabrielle: Excuse me? Yaniv: In the contract. There are certain words I do not tolerate--"cake," "tired," "can't," "doughnut." If I hear them, you owe me a lap. Gabrielle: It's an exercise class. Why would anyone say "doughnut"? Yaniv: That's another lap! Gabrielle: You know, maybe I should give this a little gander. -----------------------------------------------------------[Boot camp] Yaniv: Con, ladies. When I was in the special forces, we would do sit-ups in 115-degree weather. I still have sand in my ass. You people are weak! Let's go! Let's go! Edie: Gaby, knock it off. You're gonna get us all in trouble. Gabrielle: It's hard. Edie: Of course it is. That's why it's called boot camp. Mona: Just hang in there, Gaby. We all went through it. Gabrielle: Shut up, Mona. I'm puking air. Edie: He's coming. Get crunching. Yaniv: Did I hear talking? Edie: Sorry, sir! She got a little nauseous. Yaniv: I don't give a rat's ass what your problem is. You retch on your own time. Gabrielle: Okay. We need to talk. Edie: Gaby, no. Yaniv: What the hell are you doing? Get your butt back down! Gabrielle: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Time-out. Yaniv: Time-out? Gabrielle: Look, I appreciate this whole military commando act, but I'm new at this, and frankly, this is a bit much. Yaniv: A bit much? Gabrielle: Yeah. Are we gonna get a break soon? Yaniv: Oh, we want a break. Like, maybe some coffee, me pastry? Gabrielle: Oh, that sounds so yummy. You got any? Yaniv: No, I don't got any! Now get down or I'm gonna put you down! Gabrielle: I said time-out! Yaniv: There is no time-out! You signed a contract! Now get down! Gabrielle: Don't take that tone with me. I am paying. Yaniv: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Who brought her here? Edie: That would be me! Sorry, sir! Yaniv: Because of Edie, our 2-mile run is now 4 miles! -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house] Lee: Oh, my god. Look at those.
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Susan: What's going on? Lee: Oh, Susan, you gotta check these out. Katherine: Oh, please don't make a fuss. Lee: They're magnificent. Susan, look at 'em. Susan: Uh, what am I looking at exactly? Lee: The pearls. Susan: Oh, those. Oh, they're stunning. Katherine: Thank you. Well, I have a big bar mitzvah to prep. See ya. Lee: She's so lucky. Mike is such a great guy. Susan: What? Mike bought those? He bought her pearls? Lee: He's a keeper. Oh, that's right. You didn't keep him, did you? Su -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Lynette: Hi. Bree: Lynette, hi. Oh, I wish I had time for a chat, but I'm on my way to a meeting. I might design my own line of bakeware. Can you imagine? Lynette: This will just take a sec. Bree: Okay. Lynette: Tom and I are so grateful for your investment that we want to do something special for you. Bree: Oh, that sounds lovely. Lynette: We'd like to shut Scavo's down for the night and throw a party in your honor. Just family and friends. We'd toast your success and have a night of fun, just like old times. What do you say? Bree: Oh, that sounds nice. Can we walk and talk? Lynette: Yeah, yeah. Bree: You know what might be even better? My publisher has been begging me to do a local launch for my book. I could do a signing at your restaurant and finally fill the place. Would you hold that for a moment? Lynette: Well, we've filled the place many times, but it's your party. Whatever you want. Bree: Oh, you can just put that on a hanger in the back. What I want is to make this an opportunity for you. We can turn one of your dismal Thursday night seatings into a real event. Lynette: I don't know what to say. Bree: Well, don't thank me. It was your idea. Lynette: Right. Glad I thought of it. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Susan Mayer knew she couldn't always give her son everything she would've liked...Yet when she saw her child's tuition around Katherine Mayfair's neck, she felt something had been stolen from him. And it didn't take her long to decide...how she was going to get it back. [Katherines house] Katherine: (on phone) Susan, hi. Susan: (on phone) Hi. You at home? Katherine: (on phone) Uh, yeah. I'm just about to jump in the shower. What's up? Susan: (on phone) I'm going crazy 'cause I think I left my front door unlocked. Could you run and check? I'll stay on the line. Katherine: (on phone) No, no. I totally understand. The one day I don't lock up, I always think that's the day somebody's gonna break in. Susan: (on phone) Exactly. And so even though I was already halfway to the airport, I turned around and I
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came home, and, yep, I had left the garbage disposal on. So ever since then, I always check. Katherine: (on phone) Oh, I'm the same way. Anyway, you can relax. The front door's all locked up. Susan: (on phone) Oh, you know what? I'm actually still worried about the side door. Do you think you could check that, too? Katherine: (on phone) Already did. You're good. Well, I'm gonna take that shower now. See ya later, hon. Katherine: Mike, is that you? You're just in time. Susan? [Outside] Katherine: Susan Mayer! For god sake, give me back my pearls! Susan: Pearls or towel--you decide. Katherine: You wouldn't dare. Susan: I have been naked on this street. It would be nice to take the heat off that story. Katherine: Have you lost your mind? Susan: Mike said he can't afford to pay for M.J.'s private school. Now I know why. He wants to see his girlfriend wearing pearls when she flashes him. Katherine: What? He wouldn't pay for M.J.'s school? Susan: No. So I was going to take these and sell them to try to pay for it, and, yes, now that I'm saying it out loud, I hear how stupid that sounds. Katherine: I can't believe Mike would do that. Susan: Well, he did. Kid: Hey, Mrs. Mayfair. It's nice to see you. Katherine: Perhaps we should discuss this later. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mikes house] Mike: This can't be good. Mike: So is this a "welcome home, we missed you" kind of thing or... Susan: Damn right, "oh".What happened to "I'm broke and can't afford to send M.J. To private school"? Katherine: Don't get me wrong, Mike. It was a wonderfully generous present. Susan: But you can't go around blowing your kid's money on jewelry for your girlfriend. What did these cost you? $4,000, $5,000? Mike: $129. Susan: What? Mike: They're fake, okay? And I knew how badly you wanted pearls, and I couldn't afford real ones. And the salesman swore you'd never know the difference, and she didn't. Susan: Well...at least you won't feel bad if you ever lose them. Mike: I just wanted to get you a really nice gift, and I don't know. I-I guess I was embarrassed when I couldn't. Katherine: Mike, don't ever feel like you have to spend money to impress me. Okay? Trust me. I'm already very impressed. Susan: Okay, okay. Point made. Move along. Katherine: I'll go fix us some dinner. Mike: How dare you. Susan: I didn't know they were fake. Mike: I mean how dare you think that I would put jewelry for my girlfriend ahead of my son's education. Susan: Okay, maybe I jumped to conclusions, but this school is important for M.J.. I feel really bad that we're falling short. Mike: Susan, I've been at work since 6:00 this morning, and after I inhale a 5-minute dinner, I'm going back out till midnight. I am busting my ass to give our son the best, so if we're falling short, it's not because of me.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - bedroom] Gabrielle: (on phone) What? Yaniv: (on phone) Where are you? You're late for training. Gabrielle: (on phone) Oh, yeah, I quit that. Yaniv: (on phone) There is no quitting. It's in the contract. Gabrielle: (on phone) Yeah, well, maybe you should take it up with my lawyer. Here he is. [Outside] Yaniv: We are not leaving! Come on, ladies! Keep going! Keep it moving! Gabrielle: What the hell do you think you're doing? Yaniv: When you don't come to boot camp, boot camp comes to you. Fall in! Gabrielle: Are you out of mind? I have two sleeping children. Yaniv: Oh, I know. I've seen the cellulite. Fall in! Mona: Do it, Gaby. There is no quitting. Gabrielle: Oh, don't get all holier than thou, Mona. I saw you pull into the doughnut shack yesterday. Yaniv: Doughnut--that's a lap! Gabrielle: Oh, really? Well, try this on for size. I'm going back to bed, because I'm tired. And when I wake up, maybe I'll have some cake, and you can't stop me. [Inside] Edie: Gaby! Where are you going? If you don't get out there, he is gonna take it out on the rest of us. Gabrielle: Well, frankly, some of them need it. I just came for a little remodel, and there are some real teardowns out there. Edie: You are one spoiled, selfish, little brat. Gabrielle: Oh, for god sakes, Edie, it's a stupid exercise class. I tried it. It sucked. I don't want to do it anymore. Lighten up. Edie: Well, that stupid little exercise class is filled with women who bust their asses three times a week while raising kids and holding down full-time jobs. Gabrielle: Well, they're crazy. He yells, and they jump. He tells them to run all the way over here, and they do it. Edie: He didn't make us come here. We agreed to. Gabrielle: What the hell for? Edie: Because you told us that it was important to you to get into that dress. So we came here to support you. You wanted the old Gaby back? Well, congratulations. You got her--a self-centered, obnoxious jerk. Personally, I liked poor, paunchy Gaby better. At least she had some humility. [Outside] Yaniv: Okay, time to stretch. Not you! You are 25 minutes late. Give me 50. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scarvo Pizzeria] Customer: Oh, my god. You're her! Bree: Well, technically, I'm she, but yes. Customer: Your turkey tetrazzini saved my marriage. Would you sign this for me? Bree: Certainly. Customer: I am so excited to be tasting your food tonight. Bree: My food? What are you talking about? Customer: Oh, well, it says here the chefs of Scavo's are going to be making recipes from your book. Bree: They are?
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Customer: I can't wait to try that four cheese pizza. Bree: Well, you might have to. Excuse me. Bree: Lynette. I understand you and your fellow chefs will be serving my four cheese pizza tonight. Lynette: Yep. Just adding the parmesan. Bree: But that's commercial parmesan. Lynette: So? Bree: So that's like the dust they sweep off the floor of a place that makes real cheese. Lynette: Oh, no. It's fine. We use it all the time. Bree: Oh, perhaps you do, but my recipe specifies fresh grated. Lynette: Bree, no one will notice. Parmesan is the fourth cheese in a four cheese pizza. It's the ringo of these cheeses. Cindy: Hey, Mr. Scavo said the grease trap is overflowing again. Lynette: Oh, for Pete sake. I'll be right back. Bree: Uh, take your time. I'm sorry. We haven't been introduced. I'm Bree Hodge, part owner. Cindy: I'm Cindy. Bree: We'll chat later. Roll out some dough and show me where the basil is. We'll be serving three cheese pizza tonight. Cindy: But what about the pizzas that we just made? Dave: Tom, I cant tell you how Im happy for you. This place is packed. It's packed! Tom: Yep. You know what? Bree really came through for us. Dave: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Even if she hadn't, you would have landed on your feet. I had total faith in you. Tom: And you have had three scotch and sodas. Dave: Dude, this money goes right in your pocket. I'm just supporting you. Tom: Hey, I gotta go check on that grease trap. Dave: Yeah, I gotta get back to Edie. She wanted me home by 10:00. But, dude, congratulations. I'm proud of you. Tom: See ya. Dave: You bet. Lee: Hey, Tom? Tom: Yeah? Lee: Nothing. Never mind. You're busy. You know, wait. I...I just want you to know that...that guy's not your friend. Tom: Who? Dave? Lee: Is there someplace we can talk? Tom: Yeah. [Outside] Lynette: Son of a... [Inside] Bree: If this doesn't stop your mother-in-law from criticizing your cooking, I will give you a full refund. Lynette: Hey, can I borrow you a sec? Bree: Now? People are waiting. Lynette: You'll still be a celebrity in five minutes. Come on. Bree: Excuse me.
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[Outside] Lynette: You want to explain this? Bree: Oh, dear. I was hoping to spare your feelings, but since you know, I wasn't comfortable having my recipe made with substandard ingredients. Lynette: We use that parmesan all the time. You can't go changing things without asking me. Bree: Hey, you made me partner. I can change 15%, and I chose the parmesan. And I don't know if you've heard, but people are raving about my pizza. Lynette: Well, they probably would have loved my pizza, too, but we'll never know, because my partner threw it in the garbage. What a waste. Bree: Fine. I'll reimburse you, if that'll make things right. Lynette: Oh, sure. It's only money, right? Bree: What's that supposed to mean? Lynette: We all know how well you're doing, Bree. You have made that very clear. But you shouldn't be lording it over everybody just 'cause you've caught a couple of breaks. Bree: Caught a couple of breaks? I've worked my ass off to get where I am. Lynette: I've worked my ass off, too. I just wasn't as lucky as you. Bree: Well, I've always believed that we create our own luck. Lynette: Meaning that I've created my own failure? Bree: Well, not completely, but let's face it. You do cut corners. I mean, one of the things I can teach you is the importance of the attention to detail. Lynette: Whoa. Talk about luck. When I offered to throw you this little thank-you party, I never imagined that it would turn into an opportunity for me to learn from the great Bree Hodge. Bree: Well, I'm not the one who needed $20,000 to keep my business afloat. Lynette: No, you're the one who's never gonna let me forget it. Bree: Where are you going? Lynette: Home. Tell me how the party I threw for you turns out. Bree: Lynette, I-I-I don't understand why you're so upset. Lynette: I know you don't, but five years ago, you would've. Bree: My car! Lynette: You know that was an accident, right? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Jean: I did the best I could on the clasp, Mrs. Solis. I don't think you'll be able to tell the difference. Gabrielle: Okay, be honest. Here I come. So what do you think? Jean: You are stunning. Radiant. Gabrielle: Really? Jean: Really. You're back, Mrs. Solis, exactly like you were before. Gabrielle: Oh, I think I've changed a little bit. Jean: Not that I can see. If there's nothing else, I'll be going. Gabrielle: Jean, wait. Jean: What is it? Is there a problem? Gabrielle: No, no. It's perfect. I just want to tell you how helpful you've been to me over the years, and I'm really grateful. Thank you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: Hey, buddy. How was the rest of the...
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Tom: I know what you did. Dave: What? Tom: Don't give me that! I know that you told the cops that Porter set that fire. Dave: I didn't say he set the fire. I only said I saw him in the back hallway. Tom: You couldn't have! He wasn't there! Dave: Tom, the cops were really grilling me. They wouldn't let up. I had to tell them what I thought I saw. Tom: Porter could have gone to jail. You almost destroyed my family, destroyed our business. Dave: I'll make it up to you. I swear. I never meant to hurt you or Lynette. Tom: Oh, Lynette doesn't know about this. I didn't tell her. If I had, you'd be dead. Dave: I am so sorry. I never should have said anything to the cops. It was dark. I'd been drinking. You've gotta believe me. Stop. Just stop. Are you done? Tom: Yeah. Dave: This is crazy. I mean, there's gotta be some way we can work this out. We're friends. That's what I thought, too. But I don't know who you are. Dave: Tom. Tom. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: Can I ask you something? Dave: Go ahead. Shoot. Edie: I've been thinking a lot about your first wife. Dave: Edie. Edie: I know. Just one question, and then I'll shut it. Dave: I don't like talking about her. Edie: It has been weeks since I found out she even existed, and I've never mentioned her once. Come on. Look at this as my reward. Dave: Okay. One question. Edie: Being married to her...or being married to me...what's the biggest difference? Dave: Honestly? Our marriage is more real. Edie: Really? In what way? Dave: Well, with her, it was like...a fairy tale. I thought it would last forever. It didn't. What you and I have is more real because I know it's not forever. When I hold you, when I kiss you, I try to remind myself to appreciate the moment, because tomorrow may never come. Love...is just temporary. The way the fairy tale ends...is death. Edie: My first instinct was to ask you if she was prettier than me. When will I learn to go with my gut? -----------------------------------------------------------[The Oakridge School - Mr. Hobsons office] Mr. Hobson: I'm sorry. You can't afford the tuition? Susan: No. But I read in your brochure that faculty members get a 50% discount, so for your art department, how would you like to hire an award-winning children's book illustrator who is great with kids and has a face you can't say no to? Mr. Hobson: Unfortunately, our art department is fully staffed. Susan: Can't say no. Mr. Hobson: Miss Mayer, I appreciate your enthusiasm and the face, but I'm afraid it just won't work out. I wish you the best of luck. Susan: Yes. Right. No, wrong. Mr. Hobson: Miss Mayer, please, I'm so busy.
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Susan: Look, I know I said that M.J. was a star student, but the truth is, he's one of those kids that needs extra attention. The classes at his school are way too big, and I see him getting lost in the shuffle. And if he gets lost now...My ex-husband is doing everything that he can, and I need to know that I am, too. I will serve lunches. I will be a janitor. Anything. But I am not walking out on my son's future. Mr. Hobson: Well, one of our art teachers does need an assistant, but you're completely overqualified. Susan: I'll take it. Mr. Hobson: Congratulations on your new job. Susan: Congratulations on getting me out of your office. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: What's that? Lynette: A check for the damage to your car. I can't afford to go through my insurance company. Bree: Oh, Lynette, don't be silly. It's just the bumper. You don't need to do that. Lynette: Yes, I do. And the minute we're back on our feet, I am gonna pay back your investment--Every penny, with interest. Bree: Lynette, stop. Wait. Please. Don't be this way. I don't want money to get in the way of our friendship. Lynette: Yeah...I think it's a little late for that. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There's a lot you can do with money in the suburbs. You can pay for a night on the town. You can provide a private school education. You can purchase a token of affection. But the one thing you must never do with money is use it as a weapon, because someone...always gets hurt. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X15 In a world where the kings are employers -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Dr. Heller: He's in your band. This is too dangerous. Mary Alice Voiceover: This is there were victims of both violence and hard times Lynette: We're sort of broke. Katherine: I thought Scavo's was doing well. Lynette: When times get tough, people do without things like pizza. Mary Alice Voiceover: And beneficiaries... Carlos: The deal closed. I got the bonus. Mary Alice Voiceover: and good work... Mary Alice Voiceover: and perseverance. Mr. Hobson: Congratulations on your new job. Susan: Congratulations on getting me out of your office. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It's not hard to spot a mother who works outside the home. Just look for someone who dresses in a hurry...eats her breakfast while rushing to her car...and applies her makeup as she drives away. But the surest way to spot a mother who works outside the home? Just look for a child... [Susans house]
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Susan: M.J., Why aren't you dressed? We're gonna be late for our first day of school. Mary Alice Voiceover:who gets sick at the worst possible moment. [Mikes house - doorway] Mike: Hey, guys. How you doing? Susan: He's sick. I'm late. Thanks for helping. Mike: Wow wow. I gotta work. Susan: So do I, and it's my first day at a new job. I win. Mike: Look, I'd really like to help you out...and spend some time with my best bud, but, uh, Ms. Nelson's septic tank is expecting me at 9:00. Susan: You're a plumber. Ms. Nelson is not expecting you on time. In fact, if you show up before dinner, she'll turn cartwheels. I'm a teacher. It's different. Mike: Wait, I thought you were just a teacher's assistant. Susan: Well...listen to me. The whole reason I went back to work is so we could both afford to give M.J. the things we felt he needed. Now I'm doing my part. It's time you do yours. Mike: I'll reschedule Ms. Nelson. Susan: I gotta go. You get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids, okay? M.J.: You never left me when I'm sick before. Susan: Oh, I know, honey. But mommy has a job now. Come on. We talked about this. You understand, right? Don't be sad. I am gonna pick you both up at 6:00. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, it's not hard to spot a mother who works outside the home. Just look for a woman who leaves her house every morning feeling incredibly guilty. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It begins just after sundown, after a long day at the office, exhausted people start coming home. some are met by faithful pets...some are welcomed with dry martinis. Others are greeted with dinner on the table. Then there are those who return from a long day at work...only to discover...< The Note says, MJ is at my house. Katherine > unpleasant surprises. [Katherines house] Katherine: Good. You got my note. Come on in. Susan: Okay, sure. Uh, where's M.J.? M.J.: Here I am, mommy. Susan: Oh, hey, baby. How's my boy? I missed you so much. Are you feeling better? M.J.: Yeah. Katherine made me soup and read me a story and showed me how to play blackjack. Katherine: What are you gonna remember? M.J.: Always double down on a pair of aces. Susan: That's cute. Where's Mike? Katherine: Plumbing emergency. Ms. Nelson's toilet began erupting, and I wasn't busy, so... Susan: Well, uh, thank you very much for helping us out. Come on, M.J.. It's time to go. M.J.: Thank you. Susan: We already thanked her, buddy. Let's not make her uncomfortable. -----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews house] Bree: Thank you for having us over. We are so honored to be the first guests in your new home. Orson: Your stunning new home. I can't believe this. The theme of my first place was early American beanbag.
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Alex: Well, it's all Andrew. He's the one with the taste. Please. Uh, he's running late. Um, do you know why? Orson: Ah, he's cleaning up a little mess. Someone didn't know you couldn't serve bacon-wrapped shrimp puffs at a bar mitzvah. Bree: I knew. I just thought if they'd tasted mine, they might change the rules. Alex: So would you like something to nibble on before dinner? Orson: Is that cut crystal? It's exquisite. Alex: Andrew again. He's got expensive taste. Thank god he brings in the big bucks. Orson: He does? Alex: Well, he does now, ever since you gave him that raise. Bree: This is a delicious snack. Did you make this? Alex: Uh, yeah. It's just... party mix. Orson: You gave Andrew a raise? Bree: A tiny salary bump. Alex: "Tiny" is not the word for your extraordinary generosity. Bree: Oh, look! There's pretzels and cereal. I can see why they call it "party mix." It's like a party in a bowl. Orson: When you say "extraordinary" Bree: He's exaggerating. They're children. It just looks like a lot of money to them. Orson: My god! Is this a...'96 Latour? Alex: I know. Andrew bought a case of it at a wine auction to celebrate that huge raise. Once you've had a few glasses of this, you're not going to remember this evening at all. Orson: We'll see. -----------------------------------------------------------[Fancy restaurant] Gabrielle: Boy, dinner without the kids...it's nice to eat without having macaroni thrown at you. Maria: Yes. Bradley: Well, we, uh, we really wanted to find a way to thank you both. Carlos: Thank us for what? Maria: Saving our marriage. Gabrielle: Please. It was our pleasure. How did we do that again? Maria: Well, Bradley had been working around the clock, and I was feeling neglected. But things are different now that he has Carlos. We have never felt closer. Bradley: And, Gaby, I know I've been relying on Carlos a lot. I-I hope it's not a problem, his being away from home so much. Gabrielle: Oh, I'll be more willing to forgive once his bonus check comes in. Carlos: And the only person more excited than Gaby about that bonus is her jeweler. Maria: Brad, don't. It's been such a nice night. Bradley: He's gonna hear it tomorrow anyway. Carlos: Hear what? Bradley: Look, I'm sorry, but we're forgoing bonuses this year. Waiter: Can I get anyone dessert? Gabrielle: Beat it. What? Bradley: It's the economy. Um, our C.F.O. feels we need to do some belt tightening. Gabrielle: But do you know how much overtime Carlos has pulled? How many trips he's taken? He's killed himself. For god sakes, don't do this to my jeweler. Maria: But, Gaby, no one's getting a bonus, not even Brad. Gabrielle: So this was his bonus? A salad and a stuffed chicken breast?
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Bradley: Look, hopefully next year will be better. Gabrielle: We're ready for dessert now. Wrap up ten lobsters to go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scarvo Pizzeria] Lynette: Tom? Come here. We haven't had a customer in about a half an hour, so maybe we should just...close up early. Tom: No. I got an idea. Hey, everybody, hey, take off your aprons and come sit near the window. Lynette: What is this? Tom: It's called psychology. Come on! Guys...nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant, right? So, guys, this is what we are gonna do. As soon as you see someone go by, you laugh, act like you're having a great time. It'll draw them in. Lynette: So now we have pretend customers? Gee, let's think of something to do with all the pretend money we're gonna make. Tom: Trust me. This is gonna work. Okay, hey, you guys, you're a group of old high school buddies. You haven't seen each other since the big game. And you two-- you're on a hot date, okay? All right. Hey, look! There's somebody! Laugh! Have a great time. (All of the employees fake laugh.) Tom: Awesome. Just like that. Lynette: Okay...as much as I love Tommy Scavo's improve theater, we need to face some facts here. Tom: It's a slump. We--we--we--we'll ride it out. We've done it before. Lynette: It's not a slump. In this economy, people aren't eating out as much. Between that and Porter's legal bills and paying Bree back, we are about a week away from going bankrupt. (All of the employees fake laugh again.) Tom: Honey, please, have a little faith. Lynette: I did, for seven years. Now I'm gonna be a realist, and I need you to be one, too. Tom: Okay, I understand. You're worried. I am, too. But we can make it. We just have to be creative. Lynette: If we sell this place now, we can escape with some dignity and maybe even some money. But if we keep on going like we are, we're gonna lose everything. Tom: No! No. I am not going out like this. I am not gonna be a failure. (All of the employees fake laugh again.) Please tell me they just saw a customer. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: So with all the calories we just burned, I say we deserve a huge lunch at a fancy restaurant. Dave: You do like to live well, honey. Edie: Well, why not? Life is brief and mostly sucks. Gotta grab all the go you can while you're on this side of the dirt. Dave: That was very poetic. But sure, I'll go any place you want. Edie: That was easy. Well, since I'm on a roll, how about this? Let's go away this weekend-- pick a five-star hotel with a great spa and just live it up. Dave: I don't know about that. I've got a lot of stuff I need to do. Edie: Oh, come on. Big fluffy robes, long massages. Do you hear that? That buzzing. Dave: No, I don't hear anything. Oh, maybe it--it's-Edie: ShhI hear it up here sometimes. What the hell is it? Dave: Hey, you know what? I kind of like that hotel idea. Edie: Really? Dave: Yeah. You were right. Life is brief. Why don't you go call the travel agent and see what's available?
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Edie: You know, you're kinda sexy when you buckle. I'm gonna call right now. (Cellphone message): Dr. Heller? Listen, I got your latest text, but you know, it's been a few weeks now, and people are freaking out about you being gone so long. So now there's a staff meeting on the 15th, and if you're not back by then, I'm just gonna have to tell people that I don't know where you are. So will you please just call me? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mikes house] Dave: Hey, Mike. How's it going? Mike: Well, so far, I've broken off three of these stupid plastic sprinkler heads. But other than that, I'm great. Dave: Well, good. Look, I was coming over to ask, what would you and Katherine think about going camping? Mike: Oh, man, I love camping. When? Dave: Well, my schedule gets busy on the 15th, so it would have to be before then. I don't know, this weekend? Mike: Oh, I'm definitely up for it. Uh, I'm not sure if Katherine will be. Dave: Well, if she doesn't go, then Edie won't go, and... Mike: Well, I guess if Katherine knows another girl's coming, maybe I can convince her. Dave: Good. Tell her the man folk will do all the hard work-- build the fires, dig the latrines. Mike: Hey, I wouldn't mention that, uh, latrine part until we're actually at the campsite. Dave: That's a good point. Mike: I'll, uh, dig my gear out tonight. It's gonna be fun. Dave: Yeah. This is gonna be fun. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: My, that's a beautiful pen. Is it a montblanc? Andrew: Uh, yeah. Yeah, I've always wanted one. Orson: Well, I guess you can afford it now with your new raise. Andrew: Oh, you heard about that? Orson: I sure did. Bree: Well, the chamber of commerce just called. They've added 40 people to their guest list. Orson: Damn it. I only planned for a hundred. W-we're gonna need tables. Andrew: Relax. They always pull this crap. So I called the rental company and had 'em put a few extras on the truck. We'll be fine. Bree: Oh, thank god. Andrew: But you know what? We can tell the chamber people that because it was so last-minute, we had to bump our fee by 30%. Bree: I like the way you think. What would we do without him? Orson: Hmm, yes. He's worth every penny you pay him. By the way... how many pennies is that? Bree: I'm not discussing Andrew's salary with you. It's none of your business. Orson: You're right. It's not. So...how much? Bree: Andrew moved into a new home. I simply gave him a cost of living increase. Orson: The cost of living in a home with silver pens and rare French wines? Bree: Honey, please don't do this. Orson: Oh, my god. Is he making more than me? Bree: Orson, drop it. I am not telling you how much Andrew makes. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house]
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Accountant: (on phone) I'd be happy to give you that information, sir. Am I speaking to the account holder? Orson: No, I'm her...business partner. Accountant: (on phone) Very well. Account number? Orson: Yes. Um, 8-5-9-7-3. Accountant: (on phone) Name on the account? Orson: Van de Kamp's old-fashioned foods. Accountant: (on phone) And the password? Orson: Password? Accountant: (on phone) For security purses. Orson: Yes. Of course. It's, um...uh, you know...uh, it's--it's completely slipped my mind. Accountant: (on phone) It's the name of her childhood pet. Orson: Right. Fluffy. Accountant: (on phone) Nope. That's not it. Orson: Fido? Accountant: (on phone) No. Orson: Spot? Rover? Mittens? Accountant: (on phone) Sorry, sir. Orson: Uh, Marmaduke. Old yeller. Accountant: (on phone) I cannot give out you information without the password, which you obviously don't know. Orson: Then ask me a different question. How about her date of birth? Her social security number? Accountant: (on phone) Good-bye, sir. Orson: How about her real hair color? Trust me, it's not what you think it is. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: If you're looking to get fed, it's gonna be a while. Porter: No, dad called a family meeting. Parker: Yeah, mom, he said it's about the restaurant. Lynette: Oh, boy. I think I know what this is about. Listen, kids, things have been tough down at the restaurant, and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it. Parker: Wow, wow. Lynette: I know. Preston: Is he gonna be okay? Lynette: I don't know that's why we all have to be really supportive. Are you with me? Tom: Hey, guys. Good. You're all here. Penny: I love you, daddy. Lynette: Not yet. Tom: So...I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria. Lynette: Just know we're 100% behind you. Tom: That means a lot, 'cause this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow...you kids are my new wait staff. Lynette: Tom, what the hell are you talking about? Tom: I got it all worked out. You and I will handle the days, and the kids will join us after school and on the weekends. Parker: Um, at the risk of sounding spoiled... no. Tom: Come on! It'll be fantastic. We'll love working together.
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Porter: Why? We don't even like living together. Tom: Look, labor is our number one cost. If we can eliminate it, we'll start making a profit again. Parker: What, you're not even gonna pay us? Penny: I'm 9! Is that even legal? Tom: I think so. But just to be safe, you're now 15. Happy birthday! Parker: Mom, please do something. Lynette: I thought maybe after our conversation today, you'd realize it's time to pack it in. Tom: I have got to do this. I can't walk away from that place until I have done everything that I can possibly think of. Lynette: But having the kids work there? Tom: You said that you were behind me 100%. Lynette: Really? That doesn't sound like me. Tom: Lynette... Lynette: Okay. Fine. Lynette: Kids, we are going to support your father by working in his restaurant. Penny: You've got to be kidding me. Porter: Just so you know, 30 years from now, when you and dad are old and feeble Lynette: You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find. Yeah, I got it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Jewelry store] Clerk: Mrs. Solis, I didn't realize you were here. I've got your bracelet l polished and ready for a night on the town. Gabrielle: Oh, put it on and have a good time. Turns out Im no gonna be able to afford it right now...unless you can help me out on the price. Clerk: What did you have in mind? Gabrielle: You give it to me, and then call your insurance and say it was stolen? I didn't think so. Clerk: I'm really sorry about the bracelet, Mrs. Solis. Perhaps I can show you something a bit less expensive. Maybe some, uh, earrings Gabrielle: Oh, will you excuse me a minute? -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Carlos, get in here! I got a real shockeroo for you! You are not gonna believe this! Brad! Hi. Uh, what's going on? Carlos: He just stopped by with great news. I'm getting that bonus after all. Gabrielle: Really? Bradley: Well, I went to our C.F.O., and I told him it just didn't seem fair that my right-hand man should go unrewarded. Carlos: Isn't that great? What kind of guy does that? Gabrielle: Oh, I think I know the kind. So, Brad...what sort of bonus are we looking at? Bradley: How does 20 grand sound? Gabrielle: Like a great jumping off point. Carlos: Gaby. Gabrielle: Oh, honey, you heard Maria the other night. Your hard work is what's brought them so much closer. Carlos: Pay no attention to my wife. 20 grand is a fantastic bonus.
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Bradley: You know, now that I hear the number out loud, it does seem a little low, after all you've done. 25 is probably more fair. Gabrielle: Oh, Brad. Come on. Saving a marriage? You can't put a price on that...at least not a small one. Carlos: Gaby, will you knock it off? You're being rude. Gabrielle: You're right. I'm sorry. It's just--I really wanted to buy this bracelet I saw today downtown in this little jewelry shop. You know the place, honey. It's right next to the, Lexington Hotel. Bradley: 30! 30,000. Carlos: Are you sure? Bradley: Yes! You deserve it. You both do. Carlos: I don't know what to say. Bradley: You're the only one getting a bonus, so what I think might be best is if we all agreed not to say anything. Do we all agree? Gabrielle: Absolutely. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll leave you two to business. All this negotiating just goes right over my head. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Ha. Thunder McFadden. What a hoot. Bree: What's that? Orson: Oh, it's my porn name. A friend sent me an e-mail. You take the name of your childhood pet and the street you grew up on, and voila. That's the name you'd use if you were a porn star. So I'm Thunder McFadden. My buddy here is Snoop Windemere. Hey, who would you be? Bree: Orson, I'm preparing a buffet for 200. I don't have time to explore my hypothetical career in the adult film industry. Orson: Fine. But you should know that's why people find you so rigid, because you can never just let go and have fun. Bree: Coco Saugatuck. Happy now? Orson: Sure am. Thanks, hon. Bree: Of course it could just as easily be Munchy Cedarhurst. Orson: What? Bree: Or Taffy Swallow. We moved around a lot and had three dogs. Orson: Bree, focus. It has to be your favorite pet. Like if I asked you, "What's your childhood pet?" This is the one you'd say. Bree: Well, I didn't really have a favorite. I loved them all equally. Orson: Oh, please. If Coco, Taffy and Munchy were in a burning building and you could only save on. Bree: Orson, why are you being so morbid? Orson: No. I-I just want to know your porn name. Bree: Okay, fine. If I had to pick a favorite, I guess it would be Munchy. She was a bit rambunctious. Father sent her to a farm so she'd have room to run. I cried for weeks and weeks. Orson: Munchy, huh? This was fun. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scarvo Pizzeria] Lynette: All right, that's a large mushroom pepperoni pizza and two salads. I'll get that started. Tom, I got need a large--Tom: Large pep/mush at table nine. I'm way ahead of you. Lynette: Thanks. And do you have the calzones for table three? Tom: Oh, crap.
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Lynette: Sweetie, I need two dinner salads. What's the matter? Penny: Parker said the only reason you had me make salads is because it's a job for babies. Lynette: Well, clearly, that's not true because you're not a baby. You're 15, remember? Penny: Also, I can't find my band-aid. Lynette: Okay, you fill water glasses. I'll make the salads. Parker: Hey, mom? Lynette: Yeah? Parker: This is for table five. Lynette: Oh, thanks. You didn't give them enough change. Parker: Yeah, I know. I figured this out. You can short people 1%,and they won't even notice. If they got a buzz on, 3%. Lynette: Okay, you make the salads. I'll handle the register. Preston: Dude, back off. That's my table. Porter: Not anymore. Preston: You can take the 4-top of old farts. Porter: No way. I-Lynette: What's going on? Preston: He took my table. Lynette: So? Take another one. What's the difference? Well, since I'm the only one here who c wait on that table without knocking over a glass with my pants, how about I take it? You handle the cash register. You bus tables. Go on. Tom: Well, look at this. Everybody's happy. Things are running smoothly. Don't worry. I'm not gonna say, "I told you so." -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Katherine said you wanted to talk to me. Susan: Yeah. Come on in. Mike: You know, you could have just called. You don't have to use her as an intermediary. Susan: Really? I thought we were using Katherine for all sorts of things--sending messages, raising our kid. Mike: I don't see what the big deal is. I have to work, and she has some free time. It's better for everybody. Susan: Well, it's not better for me, especially when I'm not even told about it. Mike: Fine. Here I am telling you. I have to work Friday, so Katherine will be picking M.J. up from school. Susan: No. Mike: What do you mean, "no"? Let me remind you, I have custody on Fridays. Susan: Hey, thanks. Let me remind you that the reason I agreed to custody is so our son could spend time with his father. Mike: You have a problem with Katherine? Susan: No, she's a peach, but she's not the one that dragged me to court to hammer out some custody agreement. Now if you'd like, we can go back, and the judge can explain to you the difference between you and your girlfriend. Mike: Okay, you listen to me. M.J.: Mommy? Are you guys fighting? Susan: No, sweetie. We are just trying to figure out what is best for you. Aren't we? Mike: I'll see you Friday, buddy. Looks like I'll be picking you up from school. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house]
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Orson: Andrew makes twice as much as me? Bree: Who told you that? Orson: A little bird or should I say a little dog named Munchy? Bree: That's why you wanted to know the names of my pets? Orson Hodge, you are shameful. Orson: What's shameful is how much you're paying him. Bree: Andrew has been with me since I launched the company. He runs every aspect of the business. He deserves what he's making. Orson: But I am your husband, for crying out loud. Bree: Yes, Orson, we're all aware of how you got the job. Orson: You know what the real travesty is? I'm more educated than the lot of you. I went to grad school. I'm a dentist. Bree: No, you were a dentist. Now you're a caterer, and you're paid fairly based on your expertise and contribution. Orson: Oh, this is not about money, Bree. It's about value. And you're saying I'm worthless. Bree: No, I'm just saying you're worth...less. I'm sorry, honey. I'm just being honest. Orson: Very well. Oh, since we're being honest, Munchy didn't go to any farm. That kids when they just had their pets gassed. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Hey. Maria: Hi. You got a minute? I have a really big favor to ask you. Gabrielle: Uh, sure. Maria: I need a little detective work done. It's about Bradley. Gabrielle: So...what's going on? I'm gonna buy a golf club. A baseball bat would be cheaper. Maybe I should let you finish. Maria: See, I don't know anything about golf clubs, but I know Carlos does, so I was hoping you guys could snoop around and find out what kind of driver Brad wants. Gabrielle: Oh, it's a gift. Sure, yeah. We'd love to help out. So what's the occasion? Maria: No occasion. I just want to thank him for being a wonderful husband. Gabrielle: Well, don't spend too much. Why don't you just get him a card? Maria: So our marriage counselor said we should get each other little gifts now and then to keep things spontaneous. Gabrielle: Oh, you're in counseling. That's great. Maria: We were, but we stopped. We don't need it anymore. Gabrielle: Are you sure about that? Maria: Yeah. Brad and I are solid. Gabrielle: Well, ice is solid too, until it cracks and you're drowning in freezing water. I'd stay in counseling if I were you. Carlos: Gaby, I'm home! Can you come in here for a minute? [Outside] Carlos: Brad gives me a huge bonus and you repay him by telling his wife that they need marriage counseling? Gabrielle: I'm sorry. I think they do. Carlos: Their marriage is none of your business. Besides, I think they're a very happy couple. Gabrielle: Who? Him and Maria or him and the blonde I saw him kissing yesterday? Carlos: What? No way!
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Gabrielle: Yeah. And Brad saw me. Why do you think your bonus jumped from a stuffed chicken breast to 30 grand in a day? Carlos: Oh, my god. This is illegal. I'm getting a bonus no one else is getting based on blackmail. Gabrielle: You're welcome. Carlos: I can't believe you did this. Well, thank god you came to your senses. All right, let's get in there and tell her. Gabrielle: No, we can't tell her. We'd have to give the money back. Carlos: Don't we have a moral responsibility to tell her? Gabrielle: It's like you saidtheir marriage is none of our business. He's the one who's cheating. If we say anything, it'll just make things worse. We're the good guys here, Carlos. Carlos: Really? 'Cause it sure doesn't feel like it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: The doors open. Susan, you got our message. Susan: Yes, and imagine my surprise, 'cause the last time I talked to Mike, he promised me he was picking up M.J. from school. Katherine: Oh, Mrs. Nelson had another plumbing emergency. Apparently this new oat bran diet she's on-Susan: I don't need the details. I had a long day. I just want to pick up my kid. M.J.: Mommy, we had Paninis for dinner. You want one? Susan: No, thank you. Let's go. M.J.: But we were gonna make Brownies for dessert. Susan: But we can make Brownies at home. M.J.: The box kind? Katherine says those aren't real brownies. Katherine: Except when your mommy makes them with love. Susan: Good save. Let's go. Katherine: Susan? Look, I know you were surprised to find M.J. here again today, but I really was trying to do you a favor. Susan: Well, I don't need you to do me any favors. What I need is for everyone to just stick the plan. Monday, Wednesday, Friday--Mike watches his son. He doesn't pawn him off on his girlfriend. M.J.: I had a really fun time. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scarvo Pizzeria] Tom: Big group coming in. It is now officially Saturday night. Lynette: Finally. Oh, great. They're kids. 1 ate of spaghetti and 15 baskets of free bread. Tom: Stop being such a downer. We're finally making a go of this place. All you want to do is complain. Preston: We're taking a break. Tom: N-not now. We just got a big party. Porter: Good luck with that. We're outta here. Lynette: What's going on here? Preston: Those kids go our school. Porter: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDermott. The guy called me "Jesus" for a year 'cause I wore sandals one day. If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it. Tom: Fine. Don't wear that apron. That's... Porter: No, I'm not waiting on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here. Tom: Humiliating?
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Lynette: Guys, easy. Tom: No, you're-- you're not humiliated when you use the money that we make here to buy your clothes. Lynette: Tom, it's fine. I'll take the table. Tom: No, no, no, no, no, no. Your mother can't wait on this whole restaurant by herself. Porter: Well, then you do it. Tom: Porter, I'm your father and your boss, and I'm telling you right now to go take that table. Porter: Or what, you're gonna fire me? Go for it. Tom: You think this is a joke? This is my life! Lynette: Tom! Tom: You worry about being embarrassed? I have put everything I have into this restaurant! Lynette: All right, that's enough! Let go of him! Let go of him! Let go of him! Parker: Guys? I just sat a 12 top. Who's taking it? Tom: I will. Tom: I started getting our accounts in order. If we're gonna sell this place, we should probably know exactly how much it's worth. Lynette: I think this can all wait until morning. Don't you? -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: Hey. I just booked us into the Brunswick inn for this weekend. Dave: Great. Edie: Prepare to be pampered! Dave: Oh, shoot. This weekend isn't gonna work. Mike really wants us to do that camping trip that we've been talking about. Edie: Camping? Have you met me? Dave: I figured you were gonna say that. I just can't blow him off. This is the only weekend that works for him. Edie: Then you're on your own. Have fun wiping with leaves. Dave: Oh, Edie? Please don't tell Katherine that you're not coming. All right? Mike really wants her there, and if she hears that you're not going, she won't either. Edie: Will you take me to the Brunswick Inn next weekend? Dave: Yes. Edie: Then I won't say a word to Katherine. [Cellphone text message says]: Almost done here, will be back by the 15th. Dr. H. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Hey. When did you two get here? Carlos: Just a minute ago. They said they have something personal they want to talk to us about. Gabrielle: Oh, really? What is it? Maria: We're pregnant. Gabrielle: Oh, whoa. Carlos: Yeah Maria: I know. We are so happy. But that's not all. Bradley: See, even though we've only known each other for a short time, your friendship has meant a lot to us, which is why Maria feels strongly that you should be the baby's godparents. Gabrielle: Do you hear that, Carlos? Godparents. Carlos: Yeah...
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Maria: You are such good people, so kindhearted and decent, and that is the kind of influence that we want in our baby's life. Gabrielle: How could we say no? Maria: Oh. I see you got your bracelet after all. Gabrielle: Oh, yeah. Uh, but I'm not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Okay, lunch and movie. You are one lucky boy. I'm gonna take a quick shower. Try not to get any crumbs on the couch. What's wrong? It's peanut butter, no crusts Your favorite. M.J.: I want a Panini. Susan: I don't know how to make Paninis. M.J.: It's just turkey and cheese. Do we have any provolone? Susan: No, we do not have any provolone. M.J.: Can we borrow some from Katherine? Susan: Absolutely not. In this house, we do not eat pretentious cheeses. We eat honest American peanut butter. Now watch your movie, and I'll be back in a minute. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] M.J.: Will you make me a Panini? Katherine: Uh, well, sure, sweetie. Does your mommy know you're here? [Suans house] Susan: Hey, sweetie. How was your sandwich? M.J.? [Outside] M.J., honey, where are you? M.J., where are you?! M.J.! M.J.! [Katherines house] Susan: What is he doing here? Katherine: He wanted Panini, said you knew. Susan: M.J., go wait outside on the porch. I need to talk to Katherine. You can take the sandwich. Katherine: Look, he showed up on my doorstep. He seemed hungry. Susan: You think I don't feed my kid? Katherine: Okay, well, maybe he just wanted to come see me. Susan: Yeah, 'cause you make it like Disneyland over here, with your Paninis and your blackjack. You're trying to do everything you can to make him think that you're the other mommy. Katherine: What? Susan: You're trying to get your hooks deeper into Mike by showing him how much his son loves you. Katherine: Susan, I am being nice to the child of the man I'm dating. How does that make me evil? Susan: No, not evil. Devious. Well, you know, I hate to tell you, but your big plan is not gonna work, 'cause from now on, M.J. is either at my house or Mike's. He is no longer allowed to be here. Katherine: Yeah, uh, that's gonna be tricky. Susan: Well, that's the way it's gonna be, whether you like it or not. Katherine: No, it's gonna be tricky because mike's moving in here. Susan: What? Katherine: First of the month, he's giving up his place and moving in with me. So M.J. is going to be spending a lot of time here, whether you like it or not. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house]
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Andrew: Orson, I'm glad you're here. I was doing a recount of the goblets for the Hopkins wedding reception, and we're short by about 30...So I have to run over to the supplier and pick up the rest. Could you hold down the fort for me? Orson: Sure. No problem. Andrew: Thanks. Orson: Hey, you know, Andrew? It never would have occurred to me to do a recount of the goblets. Bree's lucky to have someone as conscientious us as you working here. Andrew: Thank you, Orson. Thatthat means a lot to me. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: It begins just after sunrise. After a good night's sleep, people leave their homes to go to work. They do this so they can provide a better life for their families...afford to buy nice things...and have a reason to get up in the morning. And when their exhausting work is done, people come back home again...and some begin counting the days...till their next vacation. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X16 Crime doesnt pay -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Dave got caught. Dr. Heller: You changed your name and you're living in Fairview. It's not healthy or safe. Mary Alice Voiceover: Gaby got leverage. Carlos: I'm getting that bonus after all. Gabrielle: So, Brad, what sort of bonus are we looking at? Mary Alice Voiceover: Katherine dropped a bomb. Katherine: Mike's moving in here. Susan: What? Mary Alice Voiceover: Tom called it quits. Tom: If we're gonna sell this place, we should probably know exactly how much it's worth. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Bree got honest... Bree: You're paid based on your contribution. Orson: You're saying I'm worthless. Bree: No, I'm just saying you're worth...less. Mary Alice Voiceover:which resulted in some strange behavior. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Everyone who met Orson Hodge knew he believed in being polite. He greeted his neighbors each day with a sunny... Orson: Good morning. Mary Alice Voiceover: He opened doors for young women with a gallant... Orson: Allow me. Mary Alice Voiceover: If he bumped into a stranger on the street...he'd cheerfully say... Orson: I beg your pardon. Mary Alice Voiceover: And if one of his friends was having a hard time, Orson was the first to say...
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[Scarvo Pizzeria] Orson: You need some help there? Mary Alice Voiceover: Whether his friend wanted his help or not. Tom: Orson. What are you doing here? Orson: Well, I heard about your going out of business sale, and I thought you could use a hand. Tom: I'm good. Thanks. Orson: This is charming. Tom: Oh, it's a salt shaker my grandfather gave me used to display it on the shelf. Orson: How much you want for it? Tom: It's not for sale. Everything in that box is stuff I'm taking with me. Orson: Okay. Just trying to help out. I know it's a difficult day, and I think I, of all people, understand what it is you're going through. Tom: Why you "of all people"? Orson: Well, I know what it's like to have your livelihood suddenly vanish. Remember, I used to be a dentist. Tom: Oh. Right. Right. Of course, it's not really the same, is it? Orson: Whats not? Tom: My business started going soul because of a bad economy. It got worse when my son was accused of a crime that he didn't commit, But you lost your license because you went to prison for a crime you did commit. Orson: Why are you being this way? Tom: Because what's happening to me is unfair. What happened to you was... Orson: Justice? Tom: Yeah, and to compare my situation with yours, on a day like this, well, I gotta tell you, it's a little insulting. Orson: Then I apologize. My intention was never to insult you. I wanted to support you in your--in your hour of need. Tom: Um, vultures are starting to arrive. Orson: I'll leave you to it, then. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, everyone who met Orson Hodge knew he believed in being polite. What they didn't know is that he also believed in punishing those who weren't. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The day after Mike Delfino moved in with Katherine Mayfair, she thought it would be nice to share her happiness, so she decided to throw a housewarming party for her friends and neighbors. But from the moment the first invitation was delivered, her friends began making assumptions about those who had been invited...and about those who hadn't. Katherine: I know it's late notice, but I do hope you'll all be able to make it. Edie: Now does this really mean no gifts, or is it like when Gaby says "no gifts" and she means no cheap gifts? Bree: You know, Katherine, if you need any help, I would be happy to make my fam-Gabrielle: Shh. Susan: Hey, guys. What are we talking about? Gabrielle: The federal deficit. Katherine: That sucker's big! Actually, Susan, we were talking about my housewarming party. Susan: Oh, yeah. I'm so excited. You got my R.S.V.P., right? Katherine: Yes. I'm so glad you're coming. Oh, um, by the way, can you bring your blue punch bowl? Susan: Absolutely. Anything else you need?
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Edie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's happening here? Why isn't hair being pulled? Susan: Why would we do that? Edie: Um, let's see. She's shacking up with your ex? Something which, when I do it, I get an angry mob on my front lawn. Gabrielle: I mean, let's be honest, Susan. You weren't exactly over the moon when you heard they were gonna live together. Susan: Well, yes, I was upset at first. But, you know, Mike was gonna be with someone eventually, and I consider myself lucky that it was someone, who, after all is said and done, has always been my true friend. Katherine: Susan, that's very sweet. Bree: And admirable. Edie: And abnormal. Hey, Gaby, remember when I was with Carlos? Gabrielle: Shut it, bitch. Edie: See? That's normal. -----------------------------------------------------------[Scarvo Pizzeria] Buyer: I'll give you. $6,000 for it. Lynette: What? It's a $12,000 oven. Buyer: There's a dent in the door. Lynette: Not a dent. A fist print. My husband's been a little frustrated lately. On the plus side, it matches the shoe print on the dishwasher. Buyer: $6,200take it or leave it. Lynette: Fine. Congratulations. You just stole a pizza oven. Tom: Hey. Lynette: Hey. I got $6,200 for the oven. Tom: What? That guy is ripping us off. Lynette: Yeah, well, putting an "everything must go" sign kind of eroded our bargaining position. Tom: How are we doing on the other stuff? Lynette: Well, by the end of the day, we should be able to pay off our creditors, give Bree back the $20,000 that we owe her and have enough to live on for...45 minutes. Tom: Forget I asked. I don't want to talk about it now. Just... Lynette: Look, I know this is a crappy day for you, but we need to start thinking about what our plans are going to be. Tom: I told you, I'm gonna get a job. Lynette: And that is so great. So when do you think that great thing might happen? Tom: Lynette, don't. It's taken everything I got not to lose it right now. Lynette: Sorry. Buyer: You honestly think you're gonna get $200 for that cappuccino machine? I'll give you $50. Tom: 50 bucks? Are you-Lynette: You--ah. Hey. I think you better stop with the bargain hunting unless you want your face to match the oven and the dishwasher. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house outside] Carlos: Hey, guys! What the hell are they doing here? Gabrielle: They had theater tickets, and their sitter canceled. We're only gonna watch their kids for a couple hours. Carlos: Good idea, Gaby. We're helping the slimeball cheat on his wife. Why not babysit for him, too?
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Gabrielle: Shh. Hi! Maria: Oh, you guys are angels for doing this. Gabrielle: Well, what are friends for? Maria: Speaking of which, thanks for hooking Brad up with his new girl. Uh, Shayla, right? Bradley: You know, that hairstylist you recommended--Uh, I was at the mall making an appointment, and Maria walked by. Gabrielle: Oh, that Shayla. Maria: How many Shaylas do you know? Gabrielle: Two. Two.There's, uh, Shayla the hairstylist and then there's this other Shayla I know who's a home-wrecking whore. Bradley: Hey, Carlos. Uh, why don't you take, uh, Maria and the kids inside and introduce them to the girls? Gabrielle: Come on in. Carlos: All right. Let's go. Gabrielle: You're using me as an alibi now? Bradley: I paid you 30 grand. I want my money's worth. And by the way, your tennis game with Maria tomorrow-- you need to move it to noon. Gabrielle: Why? So you can go get another "haircut"? Bradley: Shayla's got a couple hours off,and I want to spend 'em with her. Gabrielle: Well, Bradley, we all want things. For instance, I would like Carlos to have a week off next month. Bradley: Impossible. It's our busiest time. Maria: Come on, Brad. We don't want to be late. Oh, Gaby, we're still on for tennis tomorrow, right? 4:00? Gabrielle: 4:00? Let me think. Actually, noon would be better for me. Could you do noon? Maria: Oh, I was supposed to have lunch with brad. Do you mind, sweetie? Bradley: Well, I was really looking forward to it, but, uh...go ahead. You girls have fun. Maria: Listen to him. Can you believe this guy? Gabrielle: Nope. He is not to be believed. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: My, what an interesting coat hanger. It's shaped like a sofa. Please put it in the closet. Orson: Sorry, darling. Bree: Orson? Why do you have a salt shaker from Scavo's pizzeria? Orson: I stopped by to express my sympathies with Tom, and I-I remember l-looking at it, and I-I guess I absentmindedly put it in my pocket. Bree: Well, take it back now. They're liquidating, and they're gonna need every penny they can get. Orson: Ma...I want to stay here with you. Me no like-a the Scavos so much-a. No? Bree: No. Orson: Very well. Though I'm not looking forward to going down there again. Bree: Really? Orson: Yes. I only went down there to commiserate, and he was very dismissive. Bree: Tom has a lot on his mind. I'm sure he didn't mean it. Orson: You weren't there, Bree. He was downright rude. You know, it would serve him right if I kept this. Bree: Don't be ridiculous. Tom's rudeness does not give you license to steal. Return it immediately. Orson: Ma, you--you such a pretty girl. I wanna live-a here with you. Mwah. Mwah. Hmm? ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Mikes house] Susan: Hey. Katherine: Oh, great. You found the punch bowl. Susan: Washed, cleaned, ready to go. Katherine: Sorry about the mess. Mike's still unpacking. Susan: Hey, did you manage to keep that antler chandelier out of here? Katherine: Yeah. That went right to the garage. The tough one was the framed towel with some football guy's sweat on it. Susan: That "football guy" is Peyton Manning. You would do well to learn that name. Oh. Wow. Katherine: Oh, now that I really love. I almost couldn't believe he had something that nice. Susan: Thank you. Katherine: For what? Susan: I painted it. It was a gift for him. Katherine: Really? You painted that. He didn't mention it. Susan: Yeah. It was a little beach we went to for our honeymoon. Uh, I mean, you know how much Mike loves the ocean. Katherine: Yeah. Now I can see it every day. Susan: Anyway, um, can't wait for the party. It's gonna be fun. Katherine: Yep. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Brees house] Bree: I'm sorry you have to go through this. It must be so hard. Lynette: The hard part was when my friend tried help me with a loan, and I thanked her by becoming a lunatic and denting her car. Bree: Now that you brought it up, Lynette, I've been feeling just awful about the way I took over your restaurant and insulted you and...what can I say? Lynette: I think we have the kind of friendship where you don't have to say anything. Let's just hug and move on. Okay? Bree: How's Tom holding up? Lynette: He's doing great. Bree: Isn't it noon? Lynette: Yeah. He's up early today. He just doesn't know what he's doing next. Bree: Maybe I can help. My publisher is thinking about doing his advertising in-house, and he's been looking for someone. Lynette: Seriously? Bree: Yeah. Lynette: Oh, my god. That would be great. And if he gets the job, you can actually cash the check. Bree: I tell you what. I will invite Bruce over for dinner, you and Tom can join us, and we'll turn it into a low pressure job interview. Lynette: Thank you. This will really cheer Tom up. Bree: Great. I'll call Bruce this afternoon. Lynette: Could you call him now? -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house] Orson: Hey, Mike. Oh, I'm looking forward to one of your world-famous martinis. Mike: So was Mrs. McCluskey. She got here early. Yeah, but don't panic. I sent Edie out for more booze.
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Orson: So you sent the mouse to buy the cheese. Well done. Bree: Well, look who's here. Somebody owes me $20. Gabrielle: How about we let it ride? Double or nothingMcCluskey slugs someone by 5:00. Susan: Katherine and I told you guys we were taking the high road. Why won't you believe us? Lynette: Because I vividly remember yesterday, and I wasn't born during it. Susan: Okay, you know what? Let me show you something I think might change your mind. So Katherine has a picture that I painted for mike hanging over her mantelpiece. Lynette: Does she know you painted it? Susan: Yes, and we talked all about it. She loves it. Gabrielle: You painted that? You're good. Susan: What? Where the hell is it? Lynette: Bye-bye, high road. Mrs. McCluskey: What's with the puss? Gabrielle: Katherine hung one of Mike's paintings over the mantel till she found out Susan painted it. Then she took it down. Mrs. McCluskey: Ooh. Something tells me this party's about to get good. Bree: You know, there could be a perfectly innocent explanation. Mrs. McCluskey: Hey, Kathy. What happened to Susan's painting? Katherine: Oh! I am such a klutz. I was dusting yesterday, and, well, it just fell. The glass shattered, and ugh. It took it to the framer. It'll be back in a jiffy. Excuse me. Bree: See a perfectly innocent...bald-faced lie. Susan: It is possible. Mrs. McCluskey: I just drained a pitcher of martinis. I'm not buying it. Gabrielle: Really, Susan, there's not a woman in the world who doesn't know what "I broke it dusting" means. Lynette: That's how I got rid of tom's last bottle of "musk, the cologne for men." Susan: All right, you guys think what you want. I'm gonna choose to believe her. -----------------------------------------------------------[Shop] Dave: All right, so we have whiskey and bourbon. What else does Mike want? Edie: Bup, bup, bup. We need a system. Let's start over there in Scotland, head over to Russia and work our way around the globe. Wow. It's crowded in here. Dave: They're all buying lottery tickets. The jackpot's $100 million. Edie: Look. There's a priest. I knew that vow of poverty was a crock. Father Drance: Hello! You remember me. Father Drance. I-I didn't know you'd moved back to the area. Dave: Oh, I just remembered. Mike wants vermouth. Can you grab that before we forget? Edie: Sure. Right away. Father Drance: It's wonderful to see you looking so well. Dave: Shut up. I'm only gonna say this once. I've moved on. I've remarried, I have a new life, and that t the way I want it to stay--new. Father Drance: Of course. Edie: So, uh, what was that about? Dave: He said we sat together once on a airplane. Apparently he's less memorable than he thinks he is. Come on. Don't want to miss the party. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house] Gabrielle: (on phone) Fine. Fine. I will do it, but you owe me. I gotta go.
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Carlos: Let me guess. Brad. Gabrielle: Yes, he wants me to take Maria shopping tomorrow. Carlos: Yeah, so he can grab a quickie. You know, this whole thing is disgusting. I can't take it anymore. Gabrielle: I know. Just keep reminding yourself that we're getting things out of it, too. Carlos: Things I don't want. Things I haven't earned. No, I'm gonna tell Bradley we're out. Gabrielle: What? You can't do that. You'll lose your job and all that money. Carlos: I don't care about the money. Gabrielle: I do.... and so does my personal shopper and Pilates instructor. Carlos: Gaby, no. We're doing the right thing. Gabrielle: Or we can...make someone else do the right thing. Carlos: Gaby, what does that mean? Gabrielle: It means...tomorrow I'm going to the mall to get my hair cut by a slut. [Storeroom] Susan: Uh, look at what I found-- my beach painting. Mike: Oh, yeah. Katherine told me it broke. Sorry about that. Susan: Yeah, that's what she told me, too, only, uh, it didn't. Mike: That's weird. Why would she... Susan: I don't know. She seemed to love the painting...until I told her that I painted it. Mike: Excuse me just a minute. [Upstairs] Mike: I'm not making a big deal. I just want to know why you lied. Katherine: Mike, please, not now. We have a house full of guests. Mike: No, we'll talk about this now. Lynette: What are you doing? Susan: Uh, nothing. Mike: Susan showed me the painting. There's not a scratch on it. Katherine: She what? Gabrielle: You didn't. Lynette: Susan! Bree: I hope you enjoyed that. Susan: I didn't. I didn't. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mall - Beauty salon] Shayla: So what are we thinking? Gabrielle: Well, Shaylait is Shayla, right? Shayla: Mm. Gabrielle: I need a fresh look. I've been going through some pretty intense personal stuff lately. Shayla: Oh. Really? Gabrielle: Fine. I'll tell you. I have been having an affair with a married man, and it's come to that point where I can't even look at myself in the mirror. So I want a new style that says I'm not a giant turd of sin. Shayla: Well, it's not your fault that you fell in love with a married man. Gabrielle: Yeah, that's what I thought at first, and then I realized that's stupid. I mean, what about his poor wife? Shayla: Well, maybe she doesn't love him enough. Gabrielle: Oh, no. She does. She loves him plenty. Shayla: So you want to take the bangs up a little bit?
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Gabrielle: And he has kidstwo adorable little kids. Shayla: That's sad, but sometimes you just have to look out for yourself. Gabrielle: Well, maybe I am tired of being that kind of selfish bitch. Shayla: Have you ever considered, uh, highlights? Gabrielle: Focus, Shayla! We are talking about how I'm ruining innocent people's lives. Shayla: Gaby, you seem like a lovely, warm person. Stop beating yourself up. Gabrielle: Oh, for god sakes, you bleached blonde twit. I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about you and Bradley. Shayla: What? What--what is this? Who--who are you? Gabrielle: I'm a friend of Maria's, who, by the way, happens to be a warm and lovely person. Shayla: Well, maybe she is, but Brad doesn't love her. He says he's gonna leave her. Gabrielle: Oh, Shayla, he's lying. She's pregnant. Shayla: That's impossible. They haven't had sex in over a year. Gabrielle: Well, call the Vatican, 'cause we're gonna need a manger and some hay. Shayla: Get out. Gabrielle: I'm just trying to protect you here. Shayla: I said get out now. Gabrielle: Okay, let's just take a deep breath here--let's not do anything we're gonna regret. Shayla: Now. Gabrielle: This is why people should never get their hair cut in a mall! -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Mwah. Ohh. You couldn't shave? Come on, Tom. You need to look nice. Bree's going to a lot of trouble for this dinner. Tom: What, is she debuting a new salmon puff? Lynette: Okay. I was going to wait to tell you this when you were in a good mood, but I realize that's not gonna happen, so Bree has a special guest tonight, her publisher...and as luck would have it, he's looking to hire a new marketing executive. Tom: Oh, my god. What are you-- are you tricking me into a job interview? I'll find something, okay? I just need some time. Lynette: You're grieving. I get it. But this sounds like a fantastic job. Please just hear the guy out and make a nice...impression. Tom: Fine. I'll shave. Lynette: And brush your teeth. My eyes are watering. And don't just wet the toothbrush. I can tell. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Bruce. Hello. Come on in. Thank you so much for joining us tonight. May I take your coat? Bruce: Sure. Oh, wait. Let me get my "brain" out of there. I never go anywhere without this. That way, when I get a bright idea--right into the tape recorder. Orson: Sounds like quite a handy gizmo. Bruce: Thank you, Orville. Bree: It's Orson. Bruce: Orville, Orson--either way, he came home from the playground covered in bruises. Am I right? Idea for children's book-- kid who gets the crap kicked out of him 'cause he has a goofy name. Could be "Orson." Bree: Oh, that's them. Wait till you meet Tom. You'll be so glad you had that tape recorder. He's just bursting with ideas.
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Lynette: Hi. Bree: Lynette, Tom, hi. I'd like you to meet my publisher, Bruce. Bruce: It's nice to meet you. Tom: Hey. Bree, I'm getting a beer, if you don't mind. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - doorway] Susan: Hey, Katherine. Katherine: Mike is standing across the street watching to make sure I apologize, even though it's clear to me you're the one who should be apologizing for the way you ruined my party. One, two, three. Well, that should be long enough, so here. Kiss my ass. Bye. Susan: Hold on. I'm sorry. But neither of us exactly gets a gold star for model behavior. Katherine: It's not the same. Susan: Why not? I mean, you loved that painting until you found out that I did it, and then you acted totally petty. So why am I the only bad guy here? Katherine: Let me ask you something, okay? Didn't it give you just the tiniest little thrill to tell me that that painting that I was so happy about was yours? That I had something in my house that represented the love between you and mike? Susan: No. Katherine: Then what are you doing, Susan? Can't you see how hard this is for me? You live right across the street. You guys share a kid. Do I have to have a painting of your honeymoon, too? Look, I knew I wasn't going to get a clean slate with Mike, okay? I just wanted a clean mantelpiece. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bruce: Oh. Fantastic dinner, Bree. This was a great idea. Bree: Well, I just wanted to get you together with tom here. I thought you two might hit it off. Bruce: Yeah. Tom, Bree says you used to be quite the ad wiz. Tom: Oh, I don't know. Lynette: He's being modest. He was the best. Bruce: Good, because I'm looking for someone to head up a new division. Bree: I'm going to put some coffee on. Orson, would you give me a hand? Let these three chat. Bruce: So do you think you have any interest in getting back in the game? Tom: I don't know. The timing's a little weird. Bruce: How so? Tom: I don't know. Lynette: Well, Tom was just running a very successful restaurant, and he just sold it at a handsome profit. So he's waiting for the right opportunity. You might have to do a little selling here, Bruce. Bruce: Huh. I guess the good ones are always the hardest to land. Lynette: Yeah. Bruce: Let me give it a shot. We represent a small stable of elite nonfiction authors from all over the world. So you'd be working closely with those writers to come up with creative approaches to selling their books. Lynette: That sounds...amazing. Tom: I don't know. Are there more potatoes? Lynette: You can have mine. (whisper) Stop saying, "I don't know." Tom: Sounds like there's a lot of traveling. I'm not, you know, really big on living out of a suitcase. Bruce: Even to do two weeks at the book fair in Paris while you stay at a five-star hotel?
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Tom: Paris? Like France? Lynette: Yes, like the greatest city in the world. Bruce: Gee, I'm getting Lynette excited. Too bad you don't have any advertising experience. Lynette: Oh. Actually, I have 12 years of experience. Bruce: Really? Lynette: Yeah. I was account executive for eight years, V.P. for four more after that, and by the way, I wrote my graduate thesis on the rise of the nonfiction novel. Bruce: W-wow. Lynette: I know. So what kind of starting salary are we talking about? Tom: Lynette, can I see you for a sec? Lynette: Okay. Bruce, could you hold that thought? I'm gonna be right back. [Kitchen] Bree: Well, we're on pins and needles. How's it going? Tom: What the hell are you doing? Lynette: I'm getting this job. That's what I'm doing. Tom: I thought it was my job. Lynette: Well, you're not acting like you want it very much, mister..."Uh, I don't know. Are there any more potatoes?" Tom: It's not that I don't want it. It's just that. It's all happening so fast. I need a little time to lick my wounds. Lynette: Okay, you lick. I'm going to Paris. Tom: You're not taking my job. Lynette: Your job? The one you're magically gonna get by sulking and acting like a brat? You had a shot. You blew it. Tom: Oh, yeah? Lynette: Yeah. Tom: You just messed with the bull, sister. Prepare to get the horns. Lynette: I... Ugh! Bree: Maybe we should slice the tart in here. I don't want to bring a large knife in this. [Dining room] Tom: Bruce...I was just saying to Lynette, I gave you my "I don't really care about this job" thing to see if you really care about this job, and you do, and I like that. Bruce: Clever. Tom: Now we haven't talked compensation package yet, but I got a good feeling... Lynette: You know, Tom, you're right. Bruce does care about this job. That's why he wants to make sure he gets the perfect person for it. Tom: Well, Lynette, you yourself said I was the best. Lynette: Oh, you were. You were the best person who ever worked for me. I used to be his boss. [Kitchen] Bree: This is not what I had in mind. Orson: I don't know why either one of them wants to work for that jackass. Bree: Now, now. He's been very good to me. Orson: Well, of course he has, because he knows you make him a lot of money. Me, on the other hand, he sees as an insignificant little man, barely worth mentioning as he talks into his annoying, penis-shaped tape recorder. [Dining room] Lynette: So I said to him,"Je crois que c'est l'homme qui fait les chez d'oeuvres." And he said to me,"Non,
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Lynette. Ce sont les chez d'oeuvres qui font l'homme." Tom: Great story...I assume. I don't speak another language, but I've had ad campaigns translated into 12 different ones, including Professor Crispy's potato chips. Bruce: I love that campaign. You did that? Tom: I did. Lynette: Yes. Tom was very good at his job, right up until he got fired. Tom: Well, actually, I was relieved to get fired. My boss was kind of a ballbuster. Oops. She's right here. Je regrette. Bree: Would anyone care for something sweet? Bruce: I know I would. Lynette: Well, we've all had our troubles as bosses, haven't we, Tom? I was sort of sugarcoating it when I said his restaurant was very successful. The truth is, he mismanaged that pizza joint right into the ground. Tom: Let me be very clear. I think Lynette is fantastic. She is a great manager, she's got terrific people skills and is very reliable...as long as the cancer doesn't flare up again. You know what? It's getting late. I - should probably hit the road Bree: But what about the job? Bruce: Yeah...I just started looking. I'm sure it's gonna be a long process, but trust me, you've certainly made an impression. Bree: I'll get your coat. Orson: Oh, it's a shame you can't stay for dessert. I've made Tarte Tatin. Bruce: Idea for novel...Woman who's married to a gay man and doesn't know it. Bruce: Well, thanks again. I don't know when I've had such an interesting evening. I'll call you tomorrow. We'll talk about your friends. Bree: Uh, Bruce, why don't I wrap up a piece of that tart to go? Bruce: Yeah. [Kitchen] Bree: Give it. Orson: Give what? Bree: Bruce's tape recorder. Orson: I don't know what... Bree: You took it. I saw you. [Dining room] Bruce: Has anybody seen my tape recorder? It was right here. Tom: I'll look. [Kitchen] Orson: Stop. I don't have it. Bree: What do you call this? Tom: Uh, Bruce is looking for, uh...never mind. Bree: We will talk about this later. [Dining room] Bree: Look what got brought in with the dirty napkins. Bruce: Thanks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house] Bradley: Hello, Gaby. Gabrielle: Jeez, Bradley, you scared me!
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Bradley: You talked to Shayla. Gabrielle: Yeah, she's a real gem. Bradley: You shouldn't have done that. We have a deal. Gabrielle: Well, I'm tired of the deal, and what you're doing to Maria is despicable. Bradley: You're in no position to judge me. Don't forget, I was working with Carlos when you cheated on him. Gabrielle: Yeah, well, I'm not that person anymore. I've changed. Bradley: Right. You're worse. You're so worried about Maria until there's money or vacation time at stake. Then you're only worried about Gaby. Gabrielle: You know what? You're right. I'm out. Bradley: What do you mean? Gabrielle: Deal's over. I'm not covering for your stupid little fling anymore. Bradley: It's not a fling. I love her. She's the most incredible woman I've ever met. Gabrielle: Shayla? She has a Hello Kitty tip jar. Bradley: Well, she makes me happy. I can't give her up. Gabrielle: Well, at least be man enough to tell Maria, because if you don't, I will. Bradley: All right, fine. I will tell Maria. And you can tell Carlos to bring a box to work on Monday 'cause he's fired. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: So dinner...Wow. Tom: Lynette, I will regret for the rest of my life what I said tonight. I...I don't know what's going on with me. Lynette: I do, and it's okay. Besides, did you hear what came out of my mouth? Like I said...Wow. Tom: Wouldn't you love to hear what Bruce said into his tape recorder on the ride home? Lynette: "Idea...Check local mental hospital for escaped married couple." Tom: So...were you serious about wanting to go back to work? Lynette: I was talking about that job tonight and trying to convince Bruce I was good, and I remembered something. I am good. And I would like another chance to prove it. Tom: Okay. Lynette: Really? Tom: Yeah. We did my thing for seven years. Now it's your turn. Lynette: Oh! Mwah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Do you know how embarrassed I would have bee if Bruce had seen you take it? Orson: He deserved it. He insulted me. Bree: So say something. Stand up to him. But stealing? Honestly, Orson, why would you do something like that? Orson: I don't know, Bree. I don't. Here's something I do know...When I was a successful dentist, no one spoke to me the way they do now. When I lost my practice, I lost people's respect. Bree: And you hope to earn it back through larceny? Orson: You haven't walked in my shoes. Tom lost his job. Everyone jumped to his rescue. Even you...bending over backwards trying to get him a job. Bree: I don't need to walk in your shoes, Orson. What you did was embarrassing and childish, and it's never gonna happen again. Understood? -----------------------------------------------------------[Church]
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Father Drance: See you. Thank you. Edie: Father? Father Drance: Yes. Can I help you? Edie: Oh, I hope so. I, uh, saw you the other night when you were buying your lottery ticket. I was with my husband Dave. Father Drance: Yes. Edie: He said that you barely know each other, but it didn't seem that way to me. And, well, he refuses to talk about his past, so if there is anything that you could tell me about him... Father Drance: I'm not sure I can do that. Edie: Please. He has so many secrets, and I don't have anyone else to turn to. Father Drance: I wish I could help you, but...this is something you need to discuss with your husband. Edie: Well, if it was that easy, do you think that I would be here? Father Drance: I'm sorry. Please know that my thoughts are with you both, Mrs. Dash. Edie: It's Williams. Father Drance: I'm too old-school for my own good. I shouldn't just assume that you took your husband's name. Anyway...good luck, Mrs. Williams. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house] Mike: Hey, Susan. I thought I had M.J. till 7:00. Susan: Uh, you do. I am here to take my painting back. Mike: But you gave it to me. It's mine. Susan: Well, now I'm ungiving it. Try to keep up. Mike: Okay, if this is about what happened at the housewarming... Susan: It is, actually, because that is when I decided that I don't want this piece of art that I slaved over hanging in the house you are sharing with your new girlfriend. Capisce? Mike: Okay, so the other night you were m because it wasn't hanging up, but now you want to take it? Susan: Yep. I'm complicated like that. Aren't you glad you divorced me? If you two want a painting so bad, paint your own. Katherine: Susan... Susan: Mayfair. Stay out of this. This is between me and my ex. Got it? Mike: Unbelievable. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bradleys house] Maria: Anyway, I'm thinking a brighter color for the baby's room. Now I know it's a bit of a stretch, but how do you feel about turquoise? Sweetheart? Bradley: We need to talk. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: What you reading? Carlos: The want ads. Can't decide if I should be a data entry operator or join the marines. Gabrielle: I'm so sorry. Carlos: Don't be. I told you, I hated working for that jackass. You did the right thing. Gabrielle: I should have done it sooner. Carlos: But you did it, even though you knew you were gonna lose a lot of money. You're a good person, babe. I'm very proud of you. Gabrielle: Well, that means a lot, coming from a United States marine.
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Gabrielle: (on phone) Hello? Maria. Calm down. Calm down. Okay, we're coming over. Gabrielle: I guess Bradley told her. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bradleys house] Maria: Thanks for coming. I didn't know who else to call. It was horrible. He just kept telling me he loves her. She's the best thing that ever happened to him. He finally understands what love means. I just wanted him to stop talking. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: You should never be too impressed by people with good manners. They're the ones who will give a friendly wave even when they've stolen from you...They're the type to sweetly welcome you...Even as they try to uncover your secrets...They're the kind to offer you coffee, even as they report you to the police. And don't be too offended by someone who's openly rude...because they may be that way ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X17 The story of Lucy and Jessie -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Dave: Before we met, I was married to someone else, but she died. Mary Alice Voiceover: Edie's quest began. Dave: What would you and Katherine think about going camping? Mike: It's gonna be fun. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Dave's plan moved forward. Dave: This is gonna be fun. Tom: Were you serious about wanting to go back to work? Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette took a new path. Tom: Now it's your turn. Bradley: Tell Carlos he's fired. Mary Alice Voiceover: But it was Carlos' boss... Maria: He just kept telling me he loves her. Mary Alice Voiceover:who was terminated. Maria: I just wanted him to stop talking. -----------------------------------------------------------Carlos: Come on, Gaby. We're gonna be late. Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle Solis hated going to funerals for all sorts of reasons--black was not her color...crying depressed her...and lilies made her sneeze. Also, Gabrielle depressed any event...where she was not the center of attention. Luckily, at this funeral, that would not be a problem. [The funeral] Jody: Gaby, I was hoping you'd be here. Everyone is saying that you and Carlos were there, you know, when Maria killed Bradley. Gabrielle: You know, Jody, I really don't think this is the time or place to discuss gory details. Jody: You're absolutely right. Sit next to me at the wake. Gabrielle: I want to go home!
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Carlos: Well, we just got here. The funeral hasn't even started. Gabrielle: Yeah, well, I have a feeling most of these vultures didn't come to pay their respects to Brad. They're just here to pump us for dirt about his murder. Carlos: Okay, even so, I can't be seen walking out of here early. These people are my coworkers. Gabrielle: Were your coworkers. Bradley fired you. Remember? Carlos: Yeah, and Maria killed him eight hours later. He might not have told anyone, so pipe down. We don't need people thinking that we put the knife in Maria's hands. Owen: Carlos. Carlos: Gaby, this is, uh, Owen Johnston, our C.E.O. Gabrielle: Oh, hi. Owen: How do you do? I know it's an awkward time, but I must catch a plane right after the service, and I need to talk to you. Carlos: About what? Owen: Bradley called me before he died. He wanted to discuss your job performance. Gabrielle: Well, what did he say? Owen: Well, sadly, by the time I returned the call, he was dead. Carlos: Really? Owen: But I think I know what he wanted to tell me. Carlos: Oh? Owen: Based upon the big bonus he fought for Carlos to have, it's fairly obvious he was going to recommend a promotion. Gabrielle: That was my guess, too. Owen: The terrible irony is he didn't realize the job he was recommending would turn out to be his own. Carlos: Wait. So you're offering me Bradley's job as president of the company? Owen: I can't think of anyone better suited. Now, of course, it would be the same compensation package. Please. Tell me you'll accept. Gabrielle: He sure will. The man has a plane to catch. Carlos: I'd be honored to step in for Bradley. Owen: Good. I'm glad we've got that handled. Now we can focus on the sorry of this tragic day. Gabrielle: The same compensation package! We're rich! Carlos: We are at a funeral. Please be quiet. Gabrielle: Okay. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Gabrielle Solis hated going to funerals... Carlos: And for God sakes, stop smiling. Mary Alice Voiceover:mostly because she couldn't pretend to be sad when she wasn't. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: You can find them on any sidewalk in any city...people with agendas--the woman who calls up an old friend because she wants to borrow some cash...the man who takes his boss to lunch because he wants the corner office...the girl who looks after her uncle because she wants to be in the will...Yes, you can see these people almost everywhere, doing what they can to keep their agendas hidden. [MOUNT PLEASANT GAZETTE] Edie: Hello. Receptionist: Hello.
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Edie: I need to look someone up in your archives. It's a client, and he's, uh, a bit of a smooth talker. Just want to make sure that he's not giving me the runaround. Receptionist: Sure. What's his name? Edie: David...Dash. Receptionist: All I've got here are the obituaries. Anything else will take me a couple of days. Edie: Fine. Let's start with the obits. Receptionist: No David... Edie: That's probably because he's not dead. Try Lila. Receptionist: Lila Dash. Killed three years ago, car crash. Edie: That was his wife. Give me that one. Receptionist: Okay. You want Paige Dash, too? Edie: Paige? Receptionist: Yeah, their daughter. "Paige Dash, 3 years old, daughter of Lila and David." It says here she died in the same crash. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside] Bree: Who are we dishing? I do hope it's not me. Susan: No, we've already covered you. Gabrielle: We've moved on to my daughter, the thief. Bree: Oh, dear. What happened? Susan: I'm missing my small candy dish. I had it last night when you guys were over for dinner, because I remember Orson admiring it. Bree: Yes, I, uh... remember that. Gabrielle: Anyway, Juanita went over before breakfast to invite M.J. To her birthday party, and, well, candy plus Juanita. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to crack this case. Susan: Well, we don't know that for sure. I could have misplaced it. Bree: I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere. Well...I'm off. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: (on phone) Andrew, cancel my lunch. No, everything's fine. Your stepfather's just misplaced a few things, and I need to find them. -----------------------------------------------------------[Interview waiting room] Lynette: (on phone) Hey, Tom. No, still waiting. Big surprise. They're running behind at an ad agency. So did any of those other places call back? Seriously? Six interviews and nothin'? Well, I should probably try and keep my game face on here. I'll--I'll call you later. I love you. Bye. Nikki: Mariana! I had a feeling that you'd be interviewing for this! Mariana: Hey, Nikki. Nikki: So I guess Anna should be showing up any minute, too. Mariana: No. You didn't hear? She's pregnant. Nikki: Oh, My God. A kid and she just turned 30? Bye-bye, career. Mariana: Oh, don't start. I'm gonna be 30 in 2 years. I feel so old. Do you wanna know what's even sadder? I just heard that veronica's looking for work, and she's 39. Nikki: In this business? After 35, they take you out back and they shoot you in the face. Receptionist: Lynette Scavo. We're ready for you. Lynette: Coming. Do me a favor. If you hear a gunshot, tell my four kids I love them.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Art classroom] Susan: Now as you listen to the music, see what pops into your head. What shapes does it make you see? What colors are you thinking of? Jessie: Uh, why are the children drawing with crayons? They're supposed to be making clay vases. Susan: Well, I wanted to do something more free. It's an imagination-building exercise. Jessie: Looks like a lot of scribbling to me. Susan, these parents pay $22,000 a year to send their kids here. As art teachers, it's our job to give them something adorable to put on their desks to smile at while they write those tuition checks. I mean, no one's gonna find this meaningless chicken scratch adorable. Not yours, Mia. Yours shows real promise. Susan: Jessie, you said that I could plan the lesson today, and I think this is valuable. I'm just trying to be creative. Jessie: Fine. But you know where I stand. Mia: What's an "evalley-ation," Miss Susan? Susan: An evaluation? Well, that is when someone judges your work and gives you a grade on it. But don't worry. I'm not doing that today. Mia: No, they're doing it to you. Susan: Who? Mia: Miss Jessie and Principal Hobson. I heard them talking. Susan: Oh, right. That's not till later this year. Mia: No, it's this week. I hope you don't get fired. The lady with the purple sweater argued with Miss Jessie like you did, and she's gone. Susan: The lady with the purple swear? Mia: I never learned her name. She wasn't here that long. She was creative, too. Susan: All right, everyone. Grab some clay. We're making vases. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Darling, I'm home. Oh, and I'm famished! What are we having for dinner? Bree: How about a confession? Sit down. Start talking. Orson: What do you want me to say? Bree: I want you to explain to me why this insanity is still going on. When you stole that tape recorder, you said it was a onetime thing, an impulsive act of revenge. Orson: It was, at first. But then...I know it sounds odd, but...it started giving me a thrill. Bree: A thrill? Stealing a ceramic duck gives you a thrill? Orson: It's hard to explain. Bree: Well, maybe you'd feel more comfortable talking to a professional. Orson: A psychiatrist? Good heavens. Bree, I'm not crazy. Look, I'll stop. I'll--I'll tell everyone I'm sorry and return everything. Bree: You will do no such thing. From this moment on, you are forbidden from entering any of our friends' homes. Orson: But how are we gonna get these things back? Bree: I'll take care of it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: I'm so glad you could make it. I know I sprung this on you at the last minute. Jessie: Oh, actually, I was just gonna watch a DVD and order some takeout, so I'm looking forward to a
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home-cooked meal. Susan: Oh, well, keep looking, 'cause I don't cook, and Shanghai Panda delivers. Jessie: Well, that'll be fine. You know, Susan, I was a little surprised to get your invitation. Susan: Oh, well, you know, I just think that school is such a formal environment, and I thought it would be nice if we could let loose and drink a little wine, get to know each other. Oh, my gosh. Jessie: What? Susan: Look at you. You're like that schoolmarm in the movies who lets down her hair and va-va-va-voom. Jessie: I've never gotten a va-va-va-voom before. Thanks. You look nice, too. Susan: Oh, please. I didn't even get a chance to change. My ex was late picking up M.J., which is insane, 'cause he lives right across the street. Jessie: Your ex lives across the street? Susan: He decided to shack up with my best friend. And people wonder why I'm through with men. Jessie: So what are we toasting to? Susan: Getting to know each other better. Oh, napkins. Jessie: I'll drink to that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: Oh, hey, Mike. Come on in. I went a little crazy at the camping supply store. Hey, check this out. I got Katherine her own lantern. I know she was a little worried about finding the latrine in the middle of the night. Mike: Uh, actually, that's, uh, why I came by. Katherine sort of bailed. Dave: Bailed? You mean she's not going camping with us? Mike: Ah, she's really sorry, but she's gotta get her taxes done. Dave: So Katherine is blowing us off for taxes. Mike: Also, I think she's worried she'd just be a third wheel. Dave: What? Oh, come on. I mean, this trip is as much about her as it is about us. Tell her she's gotta come. Mike: First of all, I don't tell Katherine to do anything. And it'll be better with just us guys. We can burp and scratch to our heart's content. Besides, Katherine was never part of the original plan anyway. Dave: No, she wasn't. Mike: All right, I'll, uh, see you Saturday. Dave: Yeah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Jessie: You're not listening to me. I'm not saying I'm giving up on love. I'm saying I've already given up. Susan: No. I-I will not let you. You are too smart and funny and adorable. Jessie: Am I? It's been a long time since I've been complimented like that. Susan: Well, I mean it. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You are a catch. Jeez. How did it get so late? Is there a school policy on showing up to work drunk? Jessie: It's frowned upon. I've had the best time tonight. Susan: Oh, me, too. You know, I think we should probably keep this between us. We don't want people talking at work. Jessie: It'll be our little secret. So...you think you might wanna do this again sometime? Susan: It's a date. Jessie: Va-va-va-voom! -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Gabrielle: S-so what kind of kiss are we talking about?
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Susan: A regular kiss on the mouth...that lasted a little longer than I thought it would. Lynette: So was it a good, old-fashioned American kiss or are we talking the infinitely superior French variety? Susan: Okay, I'm probably just blowing this out of proportion. I mean, she never even said anything about being gay. Lynette: Well, that doesn't make any difference. Right, Lee? Lee: Why ask me? Aside from the occasional parade, gay men rarely interact with lesbians in the wild. Gabrielle: Susan, if you're not sure what she meant by it, why don't you just have a talk with her? Susan: Oh, that would be way too awkward. She's my boss. Lynette: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again, then sue her. Gabrielle: Okay, we're gonna figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut? Susan: I don't know. Gabrielle: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last? Susan: I don't remember. Gabrielle: Oh, for God sakes. Was it this...or was it this... Susan: The second one? Lynette: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian. Lee: See you at the parade. [Outside] Lynette: Hey, Gaby? I'll see ya. I wanted to ask you something. Feel free to say no. Gabrielle: Oh, honey, I'm flattered, but I only did that to help Susan out. Lynette: Yeah, this isn't about that. Um, I wanted to say I heard about Carlos' g promotion. Congratulations. Gabrielle: Thank you. I mean, it's sad how it happened, but, you know, when opportunity knocks, you gotta answer the door, right? Lynette: Absolutely. Now you know I'm looking for work? Gabrielle: Oh, yeah. How's that going? Lynette: Not great. See, while I was working at Scavo's, I got seven years older, which is weird, seeing as how all the C.E.O.S got seven years younger. The bottom line is, no one wants to hire someone who could have made out with their dad on prom night. Anyway, I hear Carlos is looking for a new director of marketing. Think you could put in a good word for me? Gabrielle: I don't know. Lynette: Y-you don't know? Gabrielle: Well, I thought you did advertising. Lynette: Yes, I helped advertise what companies decided to market. It's the same thing. Come on. You know I'd be great. Gabrielle: I guess. Lynette: You guess? Gaby... Gabrielle: Look, Lynette, you're my friend, and I love you, but as far as knowing if you're any good at your job... Lynette: Enough with the shrugging. Come on. Gabrielle: You're putting me in a tough spot. Carlos is under a lot of pressure now, and he's not really in a position to be taking big risks. Lynette: You think I'm a big risk? Gabrielle: Well... Lynette: Okay, that's it. Four shrug. I'm out. Thanks for your help. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house]
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Carlos: (on phone) Yeah, just follow the road as it curves. We're the second house on the left. Okay, bye. Carlos: Oh, place looks great, babe. Thanks for doing this. Gabrielle: It's all part of being the president's wife. So tell me about your new hire. She's gonna be your number two? Carlos: Yeah, and I'm lucky to get her. Smart as a whip, Harvard M.B.A. I've probably mentioned her before. Lucy Blackburn? Maybe I'll go put on some music. Gabrielle: Lucy Blackburn? Please tell me it's a coincidence that your new V.P. has the same name as your ex-girlfriend. Carlos: She isn't my girlfriend. We were roommates. We shared an apartment. Gabrielle: You told me you slept with her. Carlos: Well, it was a small apartment. Come on. It was a casual thing, and it was a million years ago. Gabrielle: I don't care! Why couldn't you have told me this before she's about to appear on my doorstep? Carlos: I wanted to...but you were always next to something sharp. Gaby, I am in over my head with this new job, and I need Lucy's help. Please don't be jealous. Gabrielle: I'm not jealous. It's just...you can't hire her. I'm Mrs. President, and I get a vote. Carlos: There she is. Now please, I'm begging you... Gabrielle: Well, you can beg all you want. I am not on board with this! Carlos: Hey, Lucy! Lucy: I'm Lucy. You must be Gabrielle. Gabrielle: You can call me Gaby. come on in! (whispers to Carlos) I'm on board. Lucy: Got a bead on Charlie Fields for C.F.O. Carlos: Charlie Fields? There's no way you're gonna get him. He's the number two guy at Brewster & Parent. Lucy: Relax. It'll take some maneuvering, but I'll make it happen. Carlos: How? Lucy: Carlos, you're the president. It's best you don't know where the bodies are buried. Well, speak of the devil. If you'll excuse me, I have some professional ethics that need compromising. Gabrielle: Now I know why you wanted to hire her. She's a force of nature. Carlos: Mm, you should see her close a deal. Gabrielle: I'll bet. So were you surprised when the door opened? Carlos: What do you mean? Gabrielle: Well, she's obviously stopped counting calories since the last time you saw her. Carlos: No, she looks about the same. Gabrielle: What? But...you two used to have sex. Carlos: Yeah. So? Gabrielle: So don't get me wrong--she's attractive. It's just... she's not really your type. Your type is skinny model. Carlos: Okay, so you're not gonna see her on a runway. Gabrielle: Except maybe at an airport. Carlos: Gaby! You think I'm that shallow, that all I go by is looks? Gabrielle: Yeah, I thought that was something we had in common. Carlos: Look, Lucy is brilliant and witty and has more confidence than anybody I've ever met. That type of personality can be very seductive. Lucy: Someone light me a cigar. Carlos: You got him?
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Lucy: I find poaching is easier when you lead with, "We'll double your salary." Sizzle me. Ah, there it is, that thrill you get from taking something thats not yours. Gabrielle: Hey, are you still looking for a marketing director? I have a friend that I would love to see working with you two. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: No problem, Bree. We by aspirin by the pound in this house. I'll get you some. Bree: Ah, you're a lifesaver! -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: Yes, we have lots of screwdrivers. What kind do you need? Phillips Head? Bree: Yes, that would be lovely. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: I don't have cumin, but I probably have cinnamon. Bree: Close enough. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Yeah, no problem. Two eggs coming right up. Wait. I made omelets this morning, so I'm all out. Bree: Oh, that's all right. I'll just go to the store. Gabrielle: Where did that come from? Bree: I don't know, but it's awfully cute. Gabrielle: Unbelievable. Juanita, get your butt down here. Bree: Why are you, uh, calling Juanita? Gabrielle: To find out what McCluskey's sleeping Mexican is doing in my house. Bree: That's not yours? Gabrielle: No. Why would you think that? Bree: Uh, I don't know. But, you know, there it is. Gabrielle: It's been sitting on McCluskey's porch for years. I keep telling her how racist it is. First the candy bowl and now this? How many times have I told you not to steal? Juanita: I didn't take that. Gabrielle: Juanita, you play with it every time we go by Mrs. McCluskey's. Now either tell me the truth, or I'm gonna cancel your birthday party. Juanita: I am telling you the truth! Gabrielle: That's it. Party's over! Bree: Gaby! Aren't you being a little harsh? I mean, perhaps she didn't take it. Gabrielle: Well, then how else did it get here? Juanita: Maybe she did it. Bree: Juanita! Whenever my children stole, I sent them to bed without any supper. Just a thought. [Outside] Bree: Orson? Orson! Orson! Orson! Orson! No! Orson: Hi, Bree! Bree: What were you doing at Bob and Lee's? Orson: Well, they invited me over for coffee. Bree: After I told you to stay out of the neighbors' houses? You stole again, didn't you? Orson: No. No, I didn't.
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Bree: What are you hiding behind your back? Orson: Nothing. It's mine. Bree: You're telling me you own a mug with a picture of Bernadette Peters in "Gypsy"? -----------------------------------------------------------[Interview] Mr. Vivinetto: This is quite a resume you got here. Northwestern, huh? Lynette: Yep. Thank you. Mr. Vivinetto: So, Lynette...How old are you? Lynette: Mr. Vivinetto, I'm not obligated to answer. It's the law. Mr. Vivinetto: Right, right. I was only asking 'cause I-I also went to Northwestern, and I thought maybe we crossed paths there. What--what year did you graduate? Lynette: Well, if I was dumb enough to answer that, I never would've gotten into Northwestern. Mr. Vivinetto: I-I understand, but, uh, I'm gonna be honest here. We have certain accounts that cater to a specific demographic. Lynette: Okay, I'm gonna stop you. What is this obsession with age? I am a vital woman with passion and a library of knowledge when it comes to this industry. Why doesn't that count for something? Mr. Vivinetto: What I'm saying is, we just landed the Cosgrove's revitalizing serum account. It's an antiwrinkle cream, and I need someone more mature who can identify with the-Lynette: I'm 54. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: He didn't even flinch. I said I was 54, and he bought it. There was not a "Wow, you look great for your age!" Not even a courtesy gasp. Tom: Look, you got the job. You're making $80,000 a year. Whatwhat does it matter? Lynette: It matters because I'm only 43, and I look like I'm 39. Tom: You're 43? But I'm-- I'm 2 years younger than you, and I Lynette: Nobody cares how old you are, Tom. [Outside] Lynette: Hey. Gabrielle: Great news! You got the job! Lynette: Yeah! How'd you hear about it? Gabrielle: Hear about it? Honey, I did it. I talked to Carlos. You're in. Lynette: Oh. That job. I don't know what to say. Gabrielle: Say, "How do I thank you, greatest friend in the world? What's your birthstone?" Lynette: Well, thank you, greatest friend, but I just accepted another job. Gabrielle: Well, un-accept it. You have to take this job. It's essential that you be there. Lynette: Why? Gabrielle: Because it's a great opportunity. Lynette: I'm confused. Before, you didn't even want to talk to him. You weren't even sure I was good. Gabrielle: Yeah. Yes, and then I went home and ought, what a horrible thing to say to such a dear, dear friend who's probably really, really good at her job. So...I said, "Carlos, you have to hire Lynette." Lynette: I...don't know. Well, he'd have to match my current offer. Gabrielle: Yeah, okay. What are they paying? Lynette: $100,000 a year. Gabrielle: I don't think that'll be a problem. By the way, you're gonna be reporting to this woman Lucy. She's a real star, so you're gonna wanna keep an eye on her.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Art classroom] Jessie: Decaf soy latte--your favorite. Susan: Thanks. I was thinking about the other night... Jessie: Mm, me, too. Maybe Friday you could come over to my place, we'd hang out or... Susan: You know, I-I think you may have gotten the wrong impression. I'm not...into women. Jessie: Nice boots. Susan: I thought it was gonna rain. Okay, um...I'm not gay. Jessie: Mm-hmm, then what was all that stuff about the her night? Thethe touching my knee? The "Oh, you look so sexy"? The good night kiss? Susan: Oh, well, that kiss was all you. Jessie: Oh, it was? I seem to remember you being there and not pulling away. Susan: Well, that's because-Jessie: Why didn't you say something then? Susan: Because I Jessie: Because you're tired of living a lie. Susan: What? Jessie: I was you 20 years ago, Susan. You're obviously worried there's a lesbian inside of you trying to get out. Susan: Actually, I'm more worried about the lesbian that's outside of me trying to get in. Um, can we just teach the class and talk about this later? Jessie: Fine. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house - garage] Dave: Shouldn't you be doing your taxes? Katherine: God, Dave! You scared me. Dave: Oh, sorry about that. What's this I hear about you not going camping? Katherine: Oh, well, it is that time of year, and I got all these receipts to go through. Dave: I gotta say, I'm mighty disappointed. Katherine: Please. I'm sure you're relieved there won't be a girl tagging along to spoil all your macho fun. Dave: Well, see, now that's where you're wrong. I mostly saw this trip as a chance to get to know you better. Katherine: Me? Why? Dave: Katherine, the truth is, I don't have a lot of friends. Maybe that's why Mike's become so important to me. And ever since you came into his life, well, I can see the change. He's so much happier, so much more relaxed. You've given him this sort of inner peace. I just thought it would be cool to become buddies with the woman who did that for my friend. Katherine: Well, when you put it that way... Dave: So you'll go camping with us? Katherine: I'll go start packing my fleece. Dave: Fantastic. Katherine: Dave? Do you really think I've made that much of a difference in Mike's life? Dave: Oh, absolutely. If he ever lost you...it would destroy him. -----------------------------------------------------------[Art classroom] Susan: Okay, class, let's see how our animals of Africa drawings are going. Oh, Emma, this is beautiful. Emma drew a gazelle. Isn't she pretty? Zachary, is that a rhinoceros? He looks so big and strong. I love
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rhinos. Jessie: Do you, Susan? Do you really? Susan: Excuse me? Jessie: I'm just saying, if you were on safari and you saw a sleek gazelle next to a grunting, sweaty rhino...your eye wouldn't go straight to the gazelle? Susan: Though I would definitely appreciate the...beauty of the gazelle, uh, if I was going to take a trip to Africa... I wouldnt be more excited to see the rhinos. Jeffrey: I like rhinos, too. Jessie: Yes, we know, Jeffrey. We've all seen you playing hopscotch at recess. Are you gonna tell me that you've never had any experience with gazelles? Not even in college? Susan: No. And...as on the softball team. Jessie: Look, Susan, why don't you just say it? This particular gazelle isn't young enough for you, and you don't want to hurt my feelings. Susan: That is not true, and I think we are dangerously close to no longer speaking in metaphor. Jessie: Well, then why were you so interested in me in the first place? Why did you ask me to your house? Susan: Because I wanted you to give me a good evaluation. Jessie: I see. Mia: It was nice knowing you, Miss Susan. -----------------------------------------------------------[Carlos company] Lynette: The problem--how to attract high net worth clients in a down economy. The solution? Be creative. Christie's is hosting its first ever "sea auction" on a yacht in ST. Barths. I see a boat full of millionaires waiting to be wooed. Lucy: This is not a bad idea. Besides, I haven't been to ST. Barths since you took me there to celebrate my first promotion. Carlos: That was a fun weekend. Lucy: Yeah. Carlos: Let's do it. Lucy: Yep. Carlos: I gotta take this. I'll be right back. Lynette: Okay. Okay. Not to pry, but when you said Carlos took you to ST. Barths... Carlos: Oh, yeah, we lived together for a while back in the day. Lynette: Gaby didn't mention that. Lucy: See, that is what I love about her. Most women would freak out if their husband hired an ex-girlfriend and they were working together unchaperoned. But she's got the confidence to just be cool with it. Lynette: Yeah. Yeah, that Gaby's a real class act. -----------------------------------------------------------[Art classroom] Susan: Jessie, I-I am so sorry. Jessie: Why? You were just being honest. Susan: Still, uh...I never meant to lead you on. Jessie: Well, I was planning on giving you a good evaluation anyway, so...everything's fine. Susan: Look, I need this job. But even if I didn't, I would still like you as a person. Jessie: Please, stop. I don't need your pity. Susan: You know, I don't get why people say that. I-I love pity. Pity means someone is trying to understand
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what you're going through, that they sympathize, and I do. Jessie: Susan...I'm someone who never went out and looked for love. I assumed it would find me. But it didn't. And now I'm making a fool of myself...throwing myself at straight women, because I'm so afraid of being alone. Now how can you possibly understand that? Susan: Well, here's how. Um, I...I've spent my whole life putting myself out there, and, um, I'm still...today, alone. Just like you. Jessie: It's not the same. Susan: Well, okay, it's not, because I'm alone but I'm not lonely 'cause I have friends. Love doesn't happen for everyone. You know what? I don't even know if it's gonna happen for me anymore. But my friends are there for me no matter what, and that helps. So at the very least, you know, let me be there for you...as a friend. Jessie: That'd be nice. Do your friends hug? What's that in the garbage can? Susan: My boots. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house front porch] Lynette: Hey. What are you doing here? Gabrielle: I just wanted to see how your first day went. Sit. Take a load off. Spill it. Lynette: Oh, that is so thoughtful of you. You're such a good friend. Gabrielle: Oh, well, you know me. Lynette: Yea, I do. Gabrielle: So did you get a good office? Were the people nice? Oh, what about Lucy? Do you like her? Lynette: Actually...I am kinda tired. I think I'm going to head inside. Gabrielle: Ooh! What's going on? I mentioned Lucy, and you get all weird. Is something going on with her...and Carlos? Lynette: What? No. I'm sure she's just affectionate. Gabrielle: What do you mean by affectionate? Lynette: Well, it's probably nothing. But when Carlos works on his computer at home, does he take his shirt off there, too? Gabrielle: That son of a--I'm gonna kill him! Lynette: No, you won't get the chance 'cause I'm gonna kill you first. The houselights are up, Gaby. You can drop the act. You only helped me get this job because you needed a spy. Gabrielle: How dare you! And, yes, I did! Lynette: Gaby! Gabrielle: You needed a job. I did you a favor. And then I brought you hot cocoa. Why don't you ever thank me? Lynette: Because you used me! At least when I asked you for a favor, I was up-front. Gabrielle: Oh, were you, Miss "they offered me $100,000 a year"? Lynette: Oh, you found out about that? Gabrielle: Honey, I've played poker with you for the past nine years. I think I can tell when you're bluffing. Lynette: Okay, it's true. I used you to get more money, but you used me first. Gabrielle: Fine. We're a couple of users. The big question is, are we still friends? Lynette: Do I spill my salary? Gabrielle: Will you still be my spy? -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: Dave, I'm curious about something.
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Dave: What about? Edie: Well, how do you feel about kids? Dave: Kids? Edie: Yeah. Haven't you ever wanted one? Dave: Is this your coy way of telling me you want a child? Edie: Maybe. I hardly get to see Travers anymore now that he's off at prep school. And I always wanted a girl. Doesn't that sound like heaven? A beautiful little girl with blonde curls. Dave: I had this...friend who had a little girl. From the moment she was born, she was his whole life. Unfortunately, she was in an accident. And died. He told me that when that happened, a part of him died, too. He spent the rest of his life in a kind of...daze, always...wondering exactly how old she would've been, what she would've looked like. No. I don't think I'd want a child. It's just not worth it. You okay, babe? Edie: Yeah. I...I'm just sad for your friend. Dave: Yeah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Bernsteins office] Bree: I had hoped that this compulsion to steal was something we could solve privately, but Orson seems unableor unwilling-- to control himself. Dr. Bernstein: Is that true, Orson? Are you unable to control yourself? Bree: You'll see when he leaves, and your lamp is missing. Dr. Bernstein: So...how do you want to proceed? Would you like to begin with some couples counseling? Bree: This isn't my problem, Dr. Bernstein. He's the sick one. Fix him. Orson: You know why she's so angry? Because this is something she can't control, and I love it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Dave: Now there's no phone in the cabin, but if it's an emergency, you can reach me on my cell. Edie: You just be careful out there. I don't know what I'd do without you. -----------------------------------------------------------[MOUNT PLEASANT GAZETTE] Assistant: Here's the article that lady was looking for. You want me to fax it? Receptionist: Ah, take your time. She's a pain in the ass. Assistant: She's pretty hot, though. Receptionist: How does that help me? She can wait until tomorrow. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: You can find them almost anywhere--friendly people with hidden agendas--the woman who uses her neighbor to get herself a job...the wife who uses her influence to hire a friendly spy...the husband who uses his charm to steal from his friends...and you can be sure the friendliest people of all have agendas that won't ever be discovered...not until...it's too late. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X18 A spark, to pierce the dark (1) -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives
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A thief was confronted. Bree: Well, maybe you'll feel comfortable talking to a professional. Orson: A psychiatrist? Lucy: Someone lit me a cigar. Mary Alice Voiceover: Carlos hired an old girlfriend... Mary Alice Voiceover:and Gaby hired a spy. Gabrielle: I talked to Carlos. You're in! Mary Alice Voiceover: Edie dug deeper into Dave's past. Receptionist: Killed three years ago--car crash. Edie: That was his wife. Give me that one. Receptionist: Their daughter died in the same crash. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Dave's master plan... Katherine: You really think I make that much of a difference in Mike's life? Dave: If he ever lost you, it would destroy him. Mary Alice Voiceover:entered its final phase. -----------------------------------------------------------Dave: (on phone) Uh, hi. Is this the Ranger Station? Well, I didn't know whether to call you or fish and game, But, uh, I think I saw some guys up at Emerson Ods hunting illegally, and I got worried because I know people like to go camping up there, and I-I sure wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. No, no need to thank me. I'm just doing my part as a concerned citizen. Bye now. Mary Alice Voiceover: Dave Williams had been planning the murder for years. And like all the best plans, it was a simple one. First, he would guide Mike Delfino and Katherine Mayfair to a remote cabin. The next morning, he'd pretend to be asleep as the two lovers left to go hiking. Dave would then grab the gun he'd carefully hidden...and start to follow his quarry. He'd wait until the two had paused for a moment to catch their breaths. And then he'd pull the trigger...breaking the heart of the man who had killed his wife. When the rangers arrived, they would mention the reports of illegal hunters in the area. And Dave would drive Mike back home, all the while enjoying his pain. Yes, Dave Williams had come up with a very simple plan. But as he was about to discover... Receptionist: Have you faxed this clipping to Edie Williams yet? Assistant: Um, doing it right now. Mary Alice Voiceover:there is nothing simple...about murder. Fax file title: Fairview Man Wont be Charged in Accident That Killed Two -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Life is full of nasty shocks...unpleasant surprises that jolt our systems...and cause our hearts to skip a beat. And these shocks always occur... [Private School] Karl: Susan? Susan: Hey, Karl. Mary Alice Voiceover:when we least expect them. Susan: Karl. What are you doing here? Karl: Well, I just enrolled Evan. Susan: Wow, and I was worried that we'd be out of each other's lives forever. Mm, lucky, lucky. Karl: What are you doing here? Susan: I am an art teacher.
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Karl: Really? Do they know that? Susan: And now I'm ignoring you and moving on to Evan. Hello, Evan. Karl: Evan, this is Susan. She's your sister Julie's mother. We used to be married. She was a lot younger then. Susan: Evan, why don't you head into the classroom? I need to talk to your daddy, and I may need to use some grown-up words. Karl: Okay, Susie Q. , what's wrong? Get it off that chest you wouldn't let me enhance. Susan: Listen, it's bad enough that I've got one ex-husband running around the halls. I don't need the faculty and the parents knowing that I have two. So not a word about us having been married. No more wisecracks. No Susie Q's. I am Miss Susan, art teacher. Karl: Yes, Miss Susan. Can I bang your erasers after class? Susan: Karl, I'm serious. Don't mess with me. I have a yardstick, and I'm not afraid to use it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Carlos company] Lucy: We're gonna be making a presentation for the Morrison contract sooner than we planned. There are a lot of firms gunning for this, and--damn it, Lynette! Don't--don't touch my figurines. These are worth more than the house you live in. Lynette: Big deal. So is this coffee mug. Carlos: All right, we should break for lunch. Lucy: No. Until this deal closes, we work through lunch. But as a consolation, we'll also be working nights. Carlos: Nights? You really think that's necessary? Lucy: This is a $10 million deal, Carlos. How bad do you want it? Carlos: You heard the woman. We're working nights. Lynette: Um, I have a tiny scheduling conflict. I coach my daughter's basketball team on Friday nights. So if I could-Lucy: Friday nights are now work nights. If we're successful, those of you on commission stand to do very well. And those of you who aren't? Well, you get to keep your jobs, which, in this economy, is a bonus all by itself. All right, let's run down to the deli, grab a sandwich and meet back here in five. Lucy: You. No touching. And, yes, I'll know. Lynette: Isn't she fun? Hey, Carlos. Did I ever tell you that Tom a I seriously considered you and Gaby for Penny's godparents? Carlos: You're not getting Friday nights off. Look, I'm not happy about the schedule either. I'm missing my kids, too. Lynette: Then do something about it. You're the president. Put the brakes on Lucy. Carlos: Lynette, I hired her to crack the whip, and that's what she's doing. It's good for the company. Lynette: But she makes people crazy. Can't you talk to her, get her to dial it down a bit? Carlos: I will think about it. But don't be asking me for favors like this. When we're at the office, I'm not your neighbor, I'm not your friend. I'm your boss. Got it? Oh, by the way, you and Tom are coming over for cocktails on Saturday. Lynette: Oh, yeah. I plan to get drunk and bitch about my boss. -----------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Bernsteins office] Bree: I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. Do you at least know why he steals? If there were some sordid childhood trauma we could blame it on, it would really help me out with the neighbors. Orson: Oh, he knows. Dr. Bernstein uncovered that my very first session. Bree: Really? And--and yet he keeps charging me. So, doctor, what's this "revelation" that you've been
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keeping from me for $200 an hour? Orson: I steal to hurt you. Bree: Why would you want to hurt me? Orson: Each day for the past year, you have, inch by inch, slice by slice, brought me closer to being a eunuch. Bree: Would you excuse us for moment? This just became a private conversation. Dr. Bernstein: If I stay, I might be able to help. Bree: You wanna help? Why don't you go down to the pharmacy in the lobby and buy some aspirin? I'm gonna need it. I don't deserve this. I have been nothing but supportive of you since you got out of jail. I even gave you a job. Orson: I wanted to be your partner. You made me an employee. Bree: So you decided to punish me by resorting to petty theft? For God sakes, Orson, I'm your wife. Orson: Perhaps, but I'm not your husband. We may share a bed, but you save your passion for your company. Bree: That's not true! Orson: Isn't it? Every day for the past year, I have been in the background, an afterthought, while you spend day and night nurturing your business. Bree: All the while thinking I had your support. Orson: I tried. I thought I wouldn't mind being Mr. Bree Van de Kamp. But it's killing me. Every day, I get smaller and smaller. And if something doesn't change, Orson Hodge is just gonna disappear altogether. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Girls are out like a light. Thanks for dinner. Gabrielle: Carlos, do you have to go back to work? Carlos: Gaby, I got a meeting. Gabrielle: But can't Lucy cover it? Carlos: You know those two extras zeroes at the end of my paycheck you like so much? They're there because I'm president. Hours are part of the gig. Gabrielle: How about a quickie? Carlos: Babe, I don't have time. Gabrielle: Right, that's why I didn't suggest a longie. Oh, come on. I'll have your eyes rolling back in your head in three minutes flat. Carlos: You wanna do it there in front of the kids' sippy cups? Gabrielle: All gone. Now let's do this. It'll be like old times. Carlos: We never did it on the table. Gabrielle: Yeah, we did, years ago. Don't you remember? Carlos: I don't think that was me. Gabrielle: Right. Well, we'll create new table memoes. Carlos: If you're trying to turn me on, you just failed miserably. Gabrielle: Carlos, do you realize since Bradley died and you took over, we haven't had sex once? I miss you. I wanna spend time with you. Now move the creamed corn and do me! Carlos: Okay, how about tomorrow night? Gabrielle: Yeah, I've heard that before, and then tomorrow comes, and you're too tired. Carlos: Okay, then, this weekend. I'll be all yours. And we can defile any piece of furniture you want. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: (on phone) Hey, Karen, you don't have any fax paper, do you? Fax paper! Turn down the Dean Martin!
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Don't worry about it. I'll go to the store tomorrow. Do you need anything? Eggs... milk... lightbulbs...Okay, let's make this easier. Is there anything you don't need? I'll tell you what. I'll call you from the store in the morning, okay? Fax screen shows: ONE MESSAGE STORED -----------------------------------------------------------[Art classroom] Susan: What a lovely rainbow, June. Here's a gold star for you. Oh, Drew, wow! You know, elephants don't have wings, but I like the way you're thinking. Hey, Evan, what did you draw? That's a lot of red. Evan: It's blood. Susan: Okay. So...that man must be a doctor making the bloody man all better? Evan: No, he's stabbing him in the guts with a sword. Susan: Evan, that's... kind of a scary picture. Evan: Nuh-unh, it's funny. Susan: No, honey, it's inappropriate, especially when the assignment was to make a picture that makes you happy. Evan: This does make me happy. Where's my gold star? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Gabrielle: I just can't get used to everyone working--first Bree, then Susan, now Lynette. Thank God for you. I just had to get out of that boring house. Tom: So what do you gals do when you get together? Gabrielle: Mostly gossip. You got any good gossip? Tom: I heard Ed Simmons got a Harley. Gabrielle: You know, I should get back. Tom: Come on. Give me a break. I'm still new at this. Gabrielle: Okay. We'll start with something a little easier--bitching. Tom: I can handle that. Bitch away. Gabrielle: Well, I am so pissed at Carlos. He is never home. And when he is, he's too tired to do anything. And by "anything," I mean sex. Are you uncomfortable? Tom: A little. Go on. Gabrielle: Well, we've never had a drought like this. It's been almost two weeks. Tom: Two weeks? And that's a drought for you? Gabrielle: Yeah. Lately, Carlos just doesn't want to do it. Tom: Er. Wrong. Guys always wanna do it. Gabrielle: Really? Tom: Yeah. Gabrielle: Even if you're tired and get home late? Tom: Even if we're exhausted and late and been shot in the leg... twice. We still want to. So you just gotta get past the tired adult to find the horny teenage boy inside. Gabrielle: Huh. That's good to know. You're good at this girl talk thing. Tom: Well, thanks. So, um, does Lynette ever talk about me and sex? Gabrielle: Yeah, I should get back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Art classroom] Karl: You called me down here for this? It's a kid playing with a soccer ball. Susan: It's a head, and he's stabbing someone with a sword.
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Karl: Well, maybe it was in self-defense. Mr. Hobson: Mr. Mayer, generally, when kids exhibit this type of behavior, there's a problem. (His cellphone rings.) Excuse me. I have to take this. Sorry. Hello? Karl: Thanks for ratting out my kid on his first day. Susan: It's not my fault. I showed this to the school psychologist. She gave it to the principal. My hands were tied. Karl: So right away it's Evan's fault? Did you ever consider that he didn't understand the assignment? Susan: I told the class to draw something that made them happy. All the other kids drew kittens and rainbows. Your son drew small intestines on the end of a stick. Karl: Let's cut to what this is really about. You hate me, and you don't want my son in your class. Susan: That is not true! Karl: It is, too! You're still punishing me for what happened between us. You're stuck in the past and blaming me for your screwed-up life! Susan: Okay, will someone call Guinness? Because you just set the world record for the biggest load of crap in one sentence. Karl: Oh, bite me! Mr. Hobson: How long was I gone? Susan: This is nothing, Mr. Hobson. We were just having a difference of opinion. Karl: Yeah, and my opinion is your teacher doesn't understand the difference between emotional problems and creativity. Susan: Shut up, Karl. Mr. Hobson: Excuse me. Did you just tell him to shut up? Karl: You know, this is typical "Susan" behavior. And you wonder why no man can stay with you. Susan: Would this seem any less shocking if I told you we were once married for 12 years? -----------------------------------------------------------[Dr. Bernsteins office] Bree: (on phone) Yes, am I speaking to Mr. Dinsmore? Ah, this is Bree Van de Kamp. Yes, it's nice to talk to you, too. Well, as I'm sure you're aware, your company has made several offers to purchase mine. Yes, I know I said I wasn't interested, but some things have happened in my personal life and I think I'm ready to...finally make a deal. Really? Well, that's wonderful. Why don't you, uh, come to my office tomorrow and we'll talk? Good-bye, Mr. Dinsmore. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Edie: There you go. The rest is yours. Mrs. McCluskey: Thanks. I don't know what it is. Every time I go to the market, there's stuff I forget. Edie: I know what it is. You're old. Mrs. McCluskey: So where's Dave? Edie: Camping. Mrs. McCluskey: Ooh, camping. How fun. Enjoying the great outdoors, getting a bunch of teenage kids on prom weekend. Good for him. Edie: Look, I know that you think he's some creepy psycho. But you should know that he has had a very hard life, and there are things about him that you don't understand. Mrs. McCluskey: Like what? Edie: Like he was married before, and his wife died in an accident along with their 3-year-old daughter. Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, Edie. Are you sure? Edie: Yes. So if at times his behavior seems a little strange, try to remember the grief he's carrying.
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Mrs. McCluskey: You know, I lost a kid. It does things to you. No wonder he...Oh, God, I wish I'd known. Edie: Well, you do now. So next time, try to be a little more understanding. Mrs. McCluskey: Of course. You know, I could use a drink. Come to my house and we'll crank up Dean Martin and...toss a few back. Come on. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees office] Andrew: Mom? Bree: Oh, Andrew. I didn't hear you come in. Andrew: That Dinsmore guy is waiting for you downstairs. Bree: Thank you, dear. [Downstairs] Mr. Dinsmore: I must say, Bree. I was surprised to get your call. You've always said you'd never sell your company. Orson: Bree has decided she wants more family time. She's a very traditional woman, you know. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her. Mr. Dinsmore: Does that mean you're going to stop working altogether? I know your fans have been hoping for a second book, uh, my wife included. Bree: That's sweet, but I've decided to focus on other pursuits at the moment. Orson: Mm, yes, her sole ambition now is to be Mrs. Orson Hodge. And at the risk of sounding selfish, I'm glad I'll be the only one she's cooking for. Mr. Dinsmore: Were you able to look over the contracts I sent over? Bree: Oh, shoot. I left them upstairs. Orson: Well, I'll get them. I'll show you the offices before we start the demolition. Andrew: You're getting rid of your office? Orson: No, we don't need it anymore, and Bree knows I've always wanted a game room. Andrew: So it's your "sole ambition" to be Mrs. Orson Hodge? Bree: Andrew. Andrew: No, I-I have to ask. Why are you letting Orson sell your company? Bree: It was my idea. My work has been compromising my marriage. I didn't realize the toll it's been taking on Orson. Andrew: Okay, so he's unhappy. Buy him some golf clubs, put him on lithium, but don't give up everything you've worked so hard for. Bree: Andrew, do you know why my book sold so well? Because it was authentic. I actually believe in the old-fashioned values I wrote about. I believe in men opening doors for ladies and children respecting their elders. I also believe that sometimes women need to make sacrifices for their husbands. I would be the worst kind of hypocrite if I preached these values and then didn't follow them myself. Andrew: Okay, I get it. You love Orson, and you're willing to sell your company to prove it. What I'm wondering is, is if he loves you, why would he want you to stop doing what makes you happy? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lucys office] Lynette: You busy? Lucy: What is it? Lynette: I brought you a little gift. Lucy: Cute. Lynette: I thought it would be a nice addition to your collection. Lucy: I knew it was you.
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Lynette: Pardon? Lucy: You're the one who complained about me to Carlos. Lynette: I'm...not sure what you're talking about. Lucy: Oh, jeez. What, you knife me in the back, and now you're gonna play stupid? Carlos said some people are having problems with me and that I should watch my demeanor. And I thought to myself, who are "some people"? And then it hit me--it's the chummy neighbor. Lynette: Okay, yes, Carlos and I spoke briefly, but I thought he blew me off. Lucy: So that's your defense? You thought your backstabbing was unsuccessful? Lynette: Well, I'll admit it's kind of flimsy, but until I got something better... Lucy: Okay, next time you have an issue with me, you know where my office is. Oh, and, uh, as far as Friday nights are concerned...consider that a permanent work night. Don't worry. If you're as bad at coaching as you are at office politics, your daughter won't be missing much. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Found the contract. Mr. Dinsmore: Everything is in order. All we need now is your signature. Bree: Mr. Dinsmore, would you mind if I speak to my husband for a moment? Mr. Dinsmore: Oh, yeah, please, go ahead. I'll--I'll be right outside. Orson: What's wrong? Bree: This is happening so fast. Orson: Yes, a bit. But it was your idea. Bree: Well, I have a new idea. I'd like to wait. Orson: Wait? But I-I need this for my recovery. Bree: Just give me one year. That's not asking too much, is it? Orson: You made me a promise. You need to stick to it. Bree: Orson, think about how I built this company from nothing, how it brings me joy and pride and a sense of accomplishment. Is that really something you want me to give up? Orson: Yes. Mr. Dinsmore, would you come back in, please? Mr. Dinsmore: So are we ready? Bree: Actually, no. I'm not selling. Mr. Dinsmore: Excuse me? Bree: Tell your wife I will be doing that second book after all. Mr. Dinsmore: Well, I'm--I'm sorry to hear that. Orson: Bree...what about my problem? I might start stealing again. Bree: Steal what you must, my love. But it won't be my company. -----------------------------------------------------------[Wood hut] Katherine: Look at him. He's out like a light already. Dave: That's what a long day of fishing does to you. Katherine: Yeah, well, he's gonna need all of his energy for our big hike tomorrow, right? Dave: Actually, I don't think I'm gonna go with you guys. My knee's been kind of bothering me. Katherine: Okay, well, then why don't we wait till the next day and see how you feel? Dave: No, no, it's fine. I'm just gonna hang out here. Besides, it's such a romantic hike. You guys should do it alone. Katherine: You always have such a good attitude.
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Dave: Do I? Katherine: It seems like you take everything in stride, you know? Like you just naturally find the silver lining. Dave: Yeah, I wish it were natural. I had to teach myself to be this way. With some of the stuff that's happened to me, I never would've survived if I hadn't. Katherine: So what's your secret? Dave: Oh, I realized that...I was waiting for somebody to fix things. But no one was going to. It was all up to me. I had to decide what was important and go after it. I had to make myself happy. Katherine: Are youhappy. Dave: I'm gettin' there. Why don't you get some sleep? You got a big day tomorrow. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: (on phone) Come on, Lucy. Why would you agree to this meeting? Well, we're overextended as it is. Fine. Yeah, I'll see you at the conference room at 7:00 A.M. Gabrielle: Hi there. Carlos: Hey, babe. What are you doing up? Gabrielle: I couldn't sleep. I was a little hot. That's better. You look a little warm yourself. Carlos: Okay, I know where you're going with this. Gabrielle: Oh, if that were true, your pants would be around your ankles right now. Carlos: Gaby, what are you doing? Gabrielle: I'm releasing the horny teen inside of you. Now come on. Two boobs, no waiting. Carlos: Damn it, Gaby, I thought we were gonna wait till the weekend. I'm tired. Gabrielle: Not my problem. Carlos: Actually, it is! You know, if big Carlos is tired, that pretty much rules out little Carlos, too. Gabrielle: Now listen up, the pair of you. I haven't been sitting around in butt floss all night for my health. You're putting out. That's more like it! Carlos: Well, I'm awake now. In fact...mind if we spice it up a bit? Gabrielle: I forgot these were in the nightstand. This is gonna be fun. Carlos: There. How's that? Gabrielle: Tight, just the way I like it. Carlos: Me, too. Good night. Gabrielle: Carlos, where you going? Carlos: To go grab a few hours sleep before I have to get back to work. Gabrielle: Carlos, get back here! Carlos! Could you at least scratch my nose? -----------------------------------------------------------[Art classroom] Susan: Amy, that is very sweet. I love the colors you used. Oh, Danielle, that is just beautiful. Evan, that is very pretty. You did the assignment just like I asked. Good job! Evan: That's not mine. Annie asked me to bring hers up for her. This one's mine. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Fax paper reads: Fairview man won't be charged in accident that killed two -----------------------------------------------------------[Wood] Daves cellphone message says: I know everything come home now, Edie. Dave: I heard a gunshot. It sounded like a hunting rifle. Mike: Yeah, it almost hit Katherine.
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Dave: You guys all right? Katherine: Yeah, I think so. Mike: Hey, this is a state park. People aren't supposed to be hunting here. Dave: Well, I guess these guys don't care about that. Katherine: I just wanna get out of here. Please? Mike: Yeah, of course. We'll, uh, go back and pack, and we'll leave. Well, sorry, man. Dave: Me, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] The note says: Sorry about last night, I love you, Carlos. Gabrielle: Juanita! Celia! Get your coats on! We're going to see daddy. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Karl: Let me see it. Susan: Okay, just so you know, should be bringing this to the psychologist. But I didn't, because this kind of "self-expression" usually gets a kid expelled. Karl: Just let me see it. Aw, hell. Susan: Yeah, "aw, hell." You got a problem here, Karl. Your son's got some serious anger issues, and you need to figure out what's going on. Karl: I know what's going on. This is his mom. Susan: Marisa? Well, why would he draw a picture of her like this? Karl: She left us...six weeks ago. Susan: Karl... Karl: I woke up one day to find her standing there with her bags packed. She said she was overwhelmed, that she loved Evan but she wasn't cut out to be a mother. Susan: So she just left? Karl: So here I am, alone, raising this boy. And it's obvious I'm not doing a very good job. You must be loving this. Susan: Why? Karl: 'Cause I did the exact same thing to you. Susan: Yeah. Karl: You know, I can understand why you react the way you do when you bump into me, why it bothers you. I never really got it until just now. Susan: I used to hope that one day, you would know what this feel like, and now that you do...I'm so sorry. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes office] Gabrielle: Hey, Lynette! Great office. I see you're busy. Don't let me disturb you. I just wanted to drop off the girls so I could talk to Carlos for a sec. All right, girls, have fun with aunt Lynette. [Carlos office] Gabrielle: You think you can buy me off with presents? Carlos: Gaby, now is not a good time. Gabrielle: Well, I'd say let's talk about it tonight, but who knows if you're even gonna come home? Carlos: Damn it, Gaby. You're the one that pushed me take this job. And ever since I did, all you've done is complain about how hard I'm working. Gabrielle: You're right, and I'm sorry. It's just...I'm scared. We're turning into what we used to be. I'm unhappy at home, you're always working, trying to buy me off with presents, too tired to make me feel loved. We've
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made these mistakes before, Carlos. For God sakes, let's not make 'em again. Carlos: I made a commitment here, Gaby. I don't think I can just bail. Gabrielle: I know you can't, and that's the part that really scares me. Juanita: We're bored. Lynette: Hey, I got you sodas, didn't I? And I let you feed the paper shredder. Juanita: Don't you have any toys? Lynette: No. I got a hole puncher. Sorry. That's the best I could do. Come on. Juanita: What about those glass things? They're pretty. Can I hold one? Lynette: Oh, sweetie, those aren't to play with, not unless you wanna see someone go completely bonkers. Actually, they do look like a lot of fun. If only I had the power to stop you... Lucy: What the hell are you doing? Juanita: We're playing. What does it look like? Lucy: Are these your kids? 'Cause they were in my office playing with my figurines, which are imported. They're worth a lot of dinero. Do you even understand what I'm saying? Carlos: What's with the yelling? Lynette: I don't know. I'm just as worried as you are. Lucy: Look, let me boil it down for you. Office? See? Day care? No! Carlos: Lucy, what's going on? Lucy: Apparently, some people don't understand that this is a place of business, and they need to keep their kids at home! Carlos: Then I guess you should yell at me. These are my kids. Come here, sweetie. Lucy: I, uh, I didn't know that. I-I thought they were hers 'cause they're...could you just go? I'm sorry. Carlos: So what if they were? That's the way you talk to people? Lucy: I said I'm sorry. Look, I-I am trying so hard to make this deal happen. I guess the stress is just getting to me. Carlos: It's getting all of us. Maybe it's a sign we should change the way we do things around here. Lucy: We are trying to play with the big boys, Carlos. Now is not the time to pull back. Don't you want this company to succeed? Carlos: I wanna build a company that treats its people well and lets them go home at night to see their families. Lucy: Look, I know I don't have the greatest beside manner. But you hired me to take this company to number one. Now if you don't want to do that, I'm probably not your girl. Carlos: I was just thinking the same thing. Lucy: What happened to you? The old Carlos would do anything to be the best. Carlos: I guess I'm not the old Carlos anymore. Lucy: Fine. Lynette: Don't forget your little animals! -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Orson, please come upstairs. I know what that couch does to your back. Orson: Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Bree: Know you're disappointed right now, but you have to know, I really do want to find some way for you to be happy. Orson: So do I. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Mikes house]
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Mike: Hey, don't you want your stuff? Dave: Oh, can I get it tomorrow? I just really want to get home. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: Edie? Edie: I always wondered why you were so determined to live on Wisteria Lane. You said you thought we'd be happy here, and I wanted to believe you. But it turned out that you...just wanted to be close to Mike Delfino. Dave: Who gave you that? Edie: Nobody gave it to me. I did research. You think I'm too stupid to do research? Dave: Edie, listen. This doesn't mean anything. Edie: It's all there--the accident, Mike's acquittal, and even a little mention of how...David Dash couldn't make it to the funeral because he had a nervous breakdown. Dave: Honey, look. Just give me a chance to explain. Edie: Oh, so now you want to explain? Okay, why don't you start by explaining why you married me? Dave: I married you because I love you. Edie: No! You married me because you needed a cover story so you could get close to the man who killed your family. Dave: That's ridiculous. Edie: Yeah, it's insane. But that's why you did it. So what are you gonna do now? You gonna hurt him? I mean...you know, that's the only. Logical explanation. And my only question is...what the hell have you been waiting for? Dave: Honey, you're not feeling well. Let's get you upstairs into bed. Edie: Tell me the truth, you freak. Did you move us here to hurt Mike Delfino? Dave: He destroyed...everything I ever loved, and he was never punished. I need to make things right. Edie: Why? Why did you have to do this? We could've been so happy. Dave: What are you doing? Edie: I'm gonna tell him before you...before you do something stupid. Dave: Edie, don't. Give me that. Edie: No! -----------------------------------------------------------[Roses house] Rose: Get out of here! Just get the hell out! I'm calling the police! Do you hear me? -----------------------------------------------------------Yes, life is full of nasty shocks. And they always seem occur when we least expect them. And once our system has been jolted, the question becomes, will we survive? ~The end~
Desperate Housewives 5X19 Look into their eyes and you see what they know (2) -----------------------------------------------------------Edie Voiceover: So I'm driving my car the other night, and what do you think happens? I crashed into a utility pole. Then, to add insult to injury...I was electrocuted. What can I say? It was one of those days. All my neighbors heard it happen, so they quickly left their microwaved burritos...and their expensive jars of
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moisturizer...and their racy pay-per-view movies...and they hurried outside, excited to see what all the ruckus was about. But then, when they saw it was me, this weird thing happened. For a moment, no one moved or said anything. They just stared. And then... Gabrielle: Oh, my god. Edie Voiceover: All hell broke loose. Katherine: Does anybody know C.P.R? Lee: (on phone) There's been an accident. Edie! Can you hear me? Edie Voiceover: Yes, everyone suddenly became very concerned, which was touching, But ultimately pointless. Moments before the ambulance finally arrived, I heard someone whisper... Susan: Don't worry, Edie. You're gonna get through this. you're gonna be just fine. Edie Voiceover: Susan Mayer--wrong again. Two seconds later, it happened. With all of my neighbors surrounding me, I took my last breath. The good news? I died just like I lived--as the complete and utter center of attention. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Edie Voiceover: Two days after I kicked the proverbial bucket, my husband asked my neighbors to do me a favor. You could tell from the looks on their faces. It wasn't something they... wanted to do, but... they agreed to do it anyway. So the next day, they piled into a car with two thermoses filled with coffee, a basket filled with baked goods and an urn that was filled with... me. [In the car] Gabrielle: I hate that we have to this. Bree: So you've said. Lynette: I mean, it really is the kind of thing a relative should do. Maybe it is, but we're in the car, on our way there, so stop your bitching. Gabrielle: Well, can you at least put the radio on? I won't feel like bitching if I can sing along to something. Mrs. McCluskey: If you start singing, I'll start bitching, And you don't want it. Gabrielle: It's a 4-hour drive. We have to do something to pass the time. Susan: Here's a thought. why don't we talk about Edie? Lynette: And say what? Susan: I don't know, but she is the reason we're on this trip. Uh, maybe we could share memories or tell stories. Lynette: Mm. Why don't you start with the time she tried to steal your comatose boyfriend? That was fun. Susan: Okay, I was thinking of stories that put Edie in a positive light. Gabrielle: And after that five minutes is up, then what do we do? Susan: The woman is dead, people. Let's honor her memory. Bree: Well, I'm all for saying a few nice things...But you were never really friends. You and Edie clashed right from the start. Susan: Yeah. That's what everybody thinks. But the first time we met, it seemed like we'd end up being the best of friends. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - outside Susans house] Edie: Oh, that's disgusting. Susan: No, it's okay. It landed on the detergent box. Edie: Here. You go buy yourself a fresh doughnut or booze, crack, whatever eases the pain. Just move it
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along. Susan: Uh, you think I'm homeless. Oh, no, no, no. No, I live here. I-I can prove it. I know exactly what's in this garbage bag. Um, empty carton of eggs, coffee grinds, shampoo bottle... Edie: Wart removal cream? Susan: You're right. I'm homeless. Susan Mayer. Oh. It's all cleared up. Edie: Mm. Edie Britt. I just moved in down the street. Susan: Oh, yeah. I saw the moving van. Welcome. Edie: Thanks. Susan: So is it just you, or do you have a family? Edie: I have a son. He lives with his dad. It's a long story. I'll tell you one day over a margarita. You wanna invite me in for a margarita? Susan: How about coffee? I just put on a pot. Edie: Great. You can fill me in on all of the neighborhood gossip, starting with the redhead across the street with the muffin basket. that's a robot, right? Susan: Funny and likes to gossip. We're gonna get along just fine. Edie: Yes, we are. -----------------------------------------------------------[Street] Susan: Wait. Stop. Could we just rest for a second? Edie: We've only gone four blocks. Susan: Okay, I lied. I hate running. Edie: Well, why didn't you say something? We've been doing this for a week. Susan: Because we were starting to become friends and you like to run, and I like to...sit and...one of us had to give. Helen: Hi, Susan! Susan: Oh, hi, Helen. Ed. I would have introduced you, but once Helen starts talking, she doesn't shut up. Edie: Right. Ed told me that. Susan: Oh, you met Ed? Edie: Oh, yeah. I've gotten to know him quite well. Susan: Yeah? Edie: We're kinda...doing it. Susan: Doing what? Edie: It. Susan: Ed is married. Edie: Yeah, I'm a naughty girl. Susan: No, you're being immoral. You're committing adultery. Edie: Actually, Ed's committing adultery. I'm just getting laid. You know, forget I ever mentioned it. Susan: I can't forget something like this. Helen is my very good friend. Edie: I thought you just said she was Susan: She is annoying, and I hide when she knocks on my door, she does not deserve for you to be wrecking her marriage. Edie: Where are you going? Susan: Home. Edie: Oh, so you're not gonna be my friend anymore? Susan: I don't think so. Edie: I thought you didn't like running.
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Susan: Well, it depends on what I'm running away from! [Susans house doorway] Edie: Hi. I'm the whore that lives down the street. Could I borrow a cup of condoms? Susan: A cup? Are you sure that'll be enough? Edie: Look, I know that you don't like me, But I am here to do you a favor anyway. I was out to dinner last night, and I saw your husband with another woman. Susan: Really? Edie: I feel bad saying it, but if I were in your shoes, I would want to know. You're welcome. Susan: Oh, I get it. So you feel I judged you, and for revenge, You're trying to make me insecure about my marriage. Edie: If I wanted revenge, I would have joined them and made it a threesome. Susan: You know, Karl would never cheat, And the woman he was with-- Brandi, his secretary, and he took her out for her birthday. Edie: Oh, the old "I'm taking my secretary out for her birthday" routine. Hmm. Nice tip of the hat to the classics. Susan: Okay, well, since you're on this moral roll, Why don't we walk over to Helen's? And I will introduce you. We can have some tea, and then you two could swap stories about Ed's favorite positions. Edie: What I do and what Brandi's doing is completely different. Susan: How? Edie: I'm not looking to break up anyone's marriage. I'm in it for a little fun, some free meals and to help an unhappy man through his midlife crisis. Susan: Wow. You're just a giver. Edie: Fine. Use all of your energy judging me, ignore the real problem. But let me tell you something. This is my area of expertise, and I saw the look in that woman's eyes. She's not in it for the free meals. She's in it for keeps. Susan: You should leave now. Edie: You know, Susan, I'm trying to help my neighbor out. I thought it was the moral thing to do. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback ends - car] Susan: Three weeks later, I found Brandi's bra in Karl's glove compartment, and, well, you know the rest. Gabrielle: Say what you want about Edie, she really understood men. Mrs. McCluskey: I should hope so. After all those years of research... Susan: I can't help thinking about all the times Edie and I sniped at each other. We could have been good friends. Lynette: Well, if she knew what you're about to do for her, she'd forgive you for everything. Gabrielle: Okay, my hour's up. Someone else hold Edie now. Lynette: Mm. I'll take her. Kinda looks like cat litter. Susan: Lynette, don't look at Edie. Lynette: Or what, I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty. Bree: Uh, Gaby, before we learn what Edie tastes like... Gabrielle: I got it. Bree: I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order. Lynette: Oh, please. We're talking about Edie. A little more irreverence is what we need. Give it. Do you remember you took turns driving me to chemo? Well, none of you did it like Edie. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Flashback Lynettes house] Edie: Hey, Lynette. Lynette: Hey. Edie: How you feelin'? Lynette: Eh, same. Edie: Well, here's the DVD you asked for. Lynette: Thanks. I'll watch it during chemo if I'm not too tired. Katherine: Here we go. Oh, hi, Edie. Edie: Hi. Ugh. What is that? Katherine: It's a health shake of fermented brown rice, and for her entry, a salad of radish, burdock root and bok choy. Edie: Mmm. What's for dessert, waterboarding? Lynette: Thanks. I can't get comfortable. Could you fluff my pillows? Katherine: Of course. Well, I've got errands to run, and I'll be back to drive you to chemo. Lynette: Before you go, would you put my socks back on? My feet are cold again. Katherine: Oh, of course. Edie: Katherine, you have got stuff to do. Why don't I take her to chemo? Lynette: It's fine. Katherine: Okay. See you tomorrow then. Bye. Edie: Okay, where's your coat? Lynette: Why? Chemo's not until 5. Edie: Yeah, I've gotta make a little stop on the way. -----------------------------------------------------------[Biker Bar] Men: Edie! Whoo! Lynette: Been here before? Edie: A couple of times. You're gonna love it. Hey! Lynette: Love it? I have cancer. I probably shouldn't even use the ladies' room Edie: Oh, there isn't a ladies' room, so that's not a problem. Lynette: Um, I...Edie, I have chemo in half an hour. Edie: Fine. Then we better start drinking. Lynette: I'm not supposed to drink. Edie: And they're not supposed to do tattoos in the kitchen, but I have a bald eagle on my ass that says otherwise. Two tequila shooters! Reggie: Hey, Edie! Edie: Reggie! Oh, I thought you were in Florida. Reggie: Nah. That was just a body they identified as me. Edie: Oh. Reggie, this is my friend Lynette. I'm trying to cheer her up a little. Reggie: Right on. You wanna shoot some stick? Lynette: No, thanks. Edie: Oh, come on. You can totally take him. Lynette: No, I can't. Uh, see? Cancer. Reggie: Oh. No sweat. I'll play you one-handed. Lynette: Can you excuse us for one second? I need to go to chemo. I have cancer. Edie: Yeah, I heard. Lynette: And what do you want from me?
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Edie: I want you to fluff your own pillows. You need to start fighting this thing. Lynette: I'm doing the best I can. Edie: Oh, not even close. Hell, Lynette, you are the strongest person I know. You're even stronger than me, and that's saying something. Now...I may be a little out of line bringing you here, but you need to remember who you are. Screw cancer. You are Lynette Scavo. Bartender: Two tequilas. Lynette: Now...where's that one-armed friend of yours? I'm--wanna shoot some stick. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback ends - car] Bree: Wow. It sounds like she gave you just what you needed. Good for Edie. Lynette: She never let me forget it either. She always insisted it was the tequila shooters that killed the cancer. Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, what the hell is that? Susan: Oh, not now. We have a flat. Gabrielle: Maybe it's a sign we're not supposed to do this today. Bree: Nice try. Susan: We don't have time for this. Anybody know how to change a tire? [Out of the car] Mrs. McCluskey: You want to hand me that cross wrench? Gabrielle: Do you wanna tell what it is. Mrs. McCluskey: It's the T-shaped dealie I'm gonna whack you with if you don't hand it over. Bree: You know, Edie used to live around here when she moved away from Wisteria Lane. Mrs. McCluskey: You mean when you gals gave her the boot. Lynette: Less yakkin more draggin. Susan: Bree, how did you know where she lived? Bree: Um, I ran into her once, unexpectedly...in a place I never thought I'd be. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - prison] Female guard: Bree Hodge. Follow me. I'll get you situated, and I'll bring your husband in. Bree: Is that the visitors' room? Female guard: Yeah. Why? Bree: You don't happen to have a private room, do you? Female guard: You mean, like an upgrade, something with a couch and softer lighting? Bree: That would be lovely. Oh. You were being sarcastic. Female guard: Yes, ma'am. Are you ready to-Bree: Oh, not, uh, just yet. It's not a bad idea, having an upgrade available. I bet that's a perk people would be willing to pay for. Female guard: Ma'am, it's a prison. The only perk we offer is a cavity search. Bree: To be honest, I-I'm not feeling up to this. I'm gonna have to come back another day.Female guard: Fine. He's got another visitor scheduled anyway, so I don't even have to tell him you were here. Bree: Another visitor? Who? Female guard: Some lady. She visits him every week. Bree: Every week? What's her name? Female guard: I can't give you that. Bree: If she's visiting my husband, I think I have a right to know Female guard: Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I cannot give you her name.
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Bree: Really? Because I would consider that a perk worth paying for. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies new house] Edie: Well, well. What are you doing here? Bree: I wanted to see you. Edie: And you didn't bring muffins? Bree: It isn't that kind of visit. Edie: No muffins, no small talk. Should I be scared or grateful? Bree: I stopped by the prison today. The guard tells me you've been visiting Orson--Sometimes twice a week, she said. Edie: Oh. who knew lady prison guards could be so chatty? Bree: What are you up to, Edie? Edie: I'm not up to anything, you redheaded ice cube. He's 15 minutes away. And quite frankly, I feel sorry for him. After all, I know what it's like to be exiled from suburbia. Bree: So you're not...trying to start up something? Edie: He's in jail. My boobs are impressive, but they can't bend iron bars. Bree: Thank you for...checking in on him and for answering my question. Edie: I have a question. Why aren't you visiting him? Bree: Oh, well, my schedule is just unreal, what with the catering company and looking after Benjamin. Edie: Yeah, well, we're all busy. Come on. Why haven't you been to see him? Bree: That jail is...it's disgusting. All those men in cages, like animals. Even to step foot in that place is humiliating. Edie: That man went to jail for you. Do you have any idea how much he must love you? Bree: I do. Edie: Then why can't you suck it up once a month and going inside and say hi? Try to help him get through this living nightmare. Why can't you do that? Now as I think about it, don't visit him. He can do so much better than you. -----------------------------------------------------------[The prison visiting room] Bree: So...how are you doing? Orson: How do you think? Bree: You're right. I shouldn't have asked. I know it's horrible here. Orson: How would you know? You've never been. Bree: You have every right to hate me. Orson: There's no need to be melodramatic. Bree: I meant for asking you to come here, for insisting you turn yourself in. Oh. Now that I see this place, I don't know what I were thinking. Orson: You were thinking I needed to take responsibility for what I did, and you were right.Bree: But still, asking you to make this sacrifice and not...ever...coming to see you...How can you ever forgive me? Orson: Just be there when I get out. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback ends] Bree: I never told you about that because...I was embarrassed. Gabrielle: Yeah. Edie Britt shamed you into being a better human being. That is embarrassing. Mrs. McCluskey: All right, ladies, we're ready to ride. Susan: Good. We got some ground to make up. I was hoping we would be able to get there before dark.
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Gabrille: How do you think he'll react when we tell him? Lynette: How do you think? Mrs. McCluskey: I never thought Edie would be crime-ridden. I figured she'd wanna be pumped full of chemicals and preserved. Lynette: Isn't that what she did for the last 15 years? Bree: My theory--Edie knew if she was buried, her true date of birth would be carved into a tombstone for all the world to see. Susan: You really think she spent a lot of time thinking about her death? Gabrielle: Yeah, I do. I spent a night with her right after Carlos and I got divorced. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Is this too red? I think I need something pinky Edie: It's fine. Hurry up. I want to get to the club while this bikini wax is still fresh. Gabrielle: This is gonna be fun. I can't believe we've never gone out on the town together. Edie: Well, we've never been single together before. Gabrielle: Oh, I feel so sorry for all those other girls in the bar. Edie: Oh, so do I. To be fair, we should probably walk in backwards. Oh, no, that won't work. Gabrielle: We're an unstoppable team. Edie: Mm, the hottest chicks on Wisteria Lane. Gabrielle: Oh, be nice! There are lots of attractive women on the street. Edie: Like who? Gabrielle: How about Bree? Edie: Uh, with that hair color, you could stick a red nose on her, and she could join the circus. Gabrielle: Lynette's beautiful. Edie: Mm, for a baby factory. Gabrielle: And Susan? Edie: We're the hottest, okay? Edie: Wow! Gabrielle: Too much? Edie: No, it's great. Gabrielle: All right. Come on. Let's go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Dance club] Gabrielle: Wow! You were right about this place. Edie: Told ya. A lot of hotties, very few "notties." Bartender: Ladies, this is from the gentleman at the end of the bar. Edie: Oh, and I just sat down. Well, that's a personal best. Bartender: Actually, the drink's for her. Edie: Oh! it's pretty dark in here. He probably didn't get a good look at me. Gabrielle: Oh, Edie, don't take it personally. We're just different types. Edie: You're right. Some like tall, blonde and sexy, and some men like...that. Gabrielle: Now, now, Edie. Don't be snarky. We're both hot, remember? Although, apparently, I'm just a little bit hotter. Edie: Well, one guy might think so. One guy who's evidently intimidated by full-sized womanly breasts. Gabrielle: Hmm. Yes, I guess I am a little on the small side. That's the drawback to having ones that are real. Edie: What are you talking about? These are real.
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Gabrielle: Oh, Edie, come on. When you jump up and down, the room moves more than your boobs. Edie: Well, someone obviously has a chip on her shoulder. I'd reach down and knock it off, but I can't go down that low. Gabrielle: Okay, you really think you're hotter than me? Edie: Let's just say that I have more of what men want. Gabrielle: Yeah? Well, I have a vodka soda here that says otherwise. Edie: Ooh! So he bought you one drink--a well drink, I might add. Gabrielle: Well, it's one more than you got. Edie: Are you saying that I can't get a man to buy me a cocktail? Gabrielle: Sure, you can, just not as many as me. Edie: One hour. Whoever gets the most swizzle sticks by the end wins. Gabrielle: See ya in an hour, loser. Song: I know what boys like, we know what guys want. I know what boys like, we know what guys want. I make them want me. I like to tease them. They want to touch me. I never let them. I know what boys like. We know what guys want. I know what boys like. Boys like. Boys like me. Sucker. I know what boys like. We know what guys want Edie: Count 'em and weep, Solis. Gabrielle: Well, I guess I could do that. Or I could do this. I should make some kind of speech. But think it's enough. We both know I crushed you, right? Now if you'll excuse me, swizzle stick number 17 has a yacht and giant feet. -----------------------------------------------------------[Playground] Gabrielle: What the hell were you thinking, abandoning me at a singles bar? Edie: I'm sorry. I just needed to be by myself for a while. Gabrielle: Why? Don't tell me you're depressed because you lost some stupid game. Edie: I'm not depressed. I'm surprised. It's going by so quickly. Gabrielle: What is? Edie: My youth. The harder I try to hold on to it, the more it just...slips through my fingers. And all the makeup and dim lighting in the world can't seem to stop it. Gabrielle: Oh, please. You're gorgeous. And you are going to stay that way forever. Edie: That's the tricky part. I'm not gonna be old. Gabrielle: What? Edie: Ever since I was a child, I've known that I was never gonna see 50. Gabrielle: Oh, that's ridiculous. Edie: No, it's true. As far back as I can remember, a voice in my head said, "Live it up today, 'cause you're not gonna have a lot of tomorrows." Gabrielle: You do realize there's medication designed to get rid of those voices? Edie: It's not a bad thing, Gaby. It's actually a gift. I...appreciate my life in a way that most people don't. I just didn't expect it to go by this fast. That's all. Gabrielle: Well, you know what? I have a voice inside my head that says you're wrong. It tells me that 50 years from now, you and I will still be wearing dresses too tight and walking in heels too high and going to bars where we'll meet old geezers who'll buy us drinks with the last of their social security checks. Edie: If you say so. Gabrielle: Now come on. Let's go to my house. Let's pop open a bottle of wine and toast to our future. Edie: Why not? ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Flashback ends - car] Gabrielle: Isn't that weird? She knew she was gonna die young. Susan: What do you mean, you two were the hottest chic? Lynette: She called me a baby factory? Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah, Gaby, in hindsight, maybe you shouldn't have told that part of the story. Gabrielle: Pfft. Bree: I think we're here. Gabrielle: So are we ready for this? Bree: I don't know. Can you ever be ready to tell a boy that his mother is dead? -----------------------------------------------------------[Beecher Academy - Dormitory] Lynette: Hey, Travers. Remember us? Travers: Sure. Wow. You brought the whole neighborhood with you. Did my mom come with you? Bree: We brought you some muffins. You can share them with your roommates or maybe a favorite teacher. Travers: What's going on? Is my mom in trouble or something? Lynette: Come here. I'm afraid we have some bad news. Your mom was in a very serious accident, And I am so sorry...but she passed away. Travers: She died? When? Bree: A couple of days ago. We've been trying to get in touch with your dad, but he's still out of the country. Susan: And your mom's new husband's never met you, so he thought it would be best if we told you. Bree: If you'd like, we could give you a moment. Travers: No. I'm okay. Well, I have a class. Gabrielle: Uh, I'm sure the school will understand if you need to miss a few days. Travers: I don't need to do that. I mean, I'm sorry she's dead, but we weren't very close. Bree: Still, she was your mother. Travers: Technically. But not a very good one. Susan: Look, Travers, we're all moms here. We've all made mistakes with our kids, and what we count on is when they grow up, they'll forgive us. Travers: My mom didn't even try to raise me. I mean, she just handed me to my father and walked away. How do you expect me to forgive that? Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm gonna be late. Mrs. McCluskey: Hey! hey, hey, wait a second. Travers, you need to know something about your mom, and I'm gonna tell you. Now sit down. I'd only known your mom about a year when she came over to my house this one day. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback - Mrs. McCluskeys house] Edie: Hey, Karen! Your porch light's on. Sitting in your bathrobe drinking, and you didn't call me? Mrs. McCluskey: I kinda wanted to be alone. Edie: Why? Mrs. McCluskey: It's the anniversary of my son's death. Edie: I'm sorry. Mrs. McCluskey: Every year I think it'll get easier, and it never does. Nothing worse than losing a child. In a way, you're kinda lucky you don't have any. Edie: Actually, I do. Mrs. McCluskey: What? Edie: Mm, I have a son. Mrs. McCluskey: You lived here a year. How do I not know this?
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Edie: Because he lives with his father. When I got divorced, I gave him full custody, so I kinda know how you feel. I mean, we've both lost kids. Mrs. McCluskey: No. I lost a kid. You gave yours away. And you have the nerve to tell me you know how I feel? Edie: I gave him up because I wanted to protect him. Mrs. McCluskey: From who? Edie: From me. You know, I tried to be a good mom. I really did. But I know myself. And if he...if he was gonna grow up normal, he needed to get away from me. Mrs. McCluskey: What a cop-out. I think you're just being selfish. Edie: You know, trust me, Karen, There is nothing that you could say to make me think less about myself than I already do. But if it gives him a chance, it's worth it. Mrs. McCluskey: Aren't you afraid he's gonna hate you? Edie: I love him enough to let him hate me. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, I hope you're not making a big mistake. Edie: Me, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Flashback ends] Mrs. McCluskey: So I'm not defending everything she did, Travers, But you have to know, she loved you, more than you can imagine. Travers: I really need to get to class. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside] Mrs. McCluskey: Bup, up, bup. I believe I called shotgun. Susan: God, she is so good at that. Gabrielle: She should be. She's been doing it since she rode shotgun on an actual stagecoach. Travers: Hey. Hey. I realized...I never thanked you for coming all the way out here just to tell me. That was really cool of you. Bree: We felt we owed it to your mom. Gabrielle: Oh, my god. I can't believe we forgot. Travers: What? Gabrielle: We, uh...also came to give you your mom's ashes. Susan: We thought you might wanna scatter them somewhere. Lynette: Unless that's a little weird for you. Travers: Why don't you guys take 'em? Gabrielle: Are you sure? Travers: Yeah. You were her best friends. I'm sure you could think of the perfect place to put her. -----------------------------------------------------------[Car] Lynette: Okay, we're here. Guys...wake up. Guys? We're home. Get out. Bree: Lord, Lynette. You nearly gave me a heart attack. Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah, I'd like to see Edie again, but not tonight. Susan: Oh, I think my leg's asleep. Gabrielle: Actually, that's my leg. Get your hand off. Bree: Lynette, thank you again for driving. Lynette: You bet. Mrs. McCluskey: Hold it. We still gotta figure out where we're gonna spread ashes. Now it's gotta be
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someplace that was meaningful to Edie. Gabrielle: Well, Edie once told me she lost her virginity in cow pasture. If we can find that exact field... Susan: We'd find a lot of traumatized cows. Bree: Do we really need to do this tonight? They're ashes. It's not like they're gonna go bad. Mrs. McCluskey: Fine. We'll talk tomorrow. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys house] Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, Edie, what are we gonna do with you? Subtle as always, I see. -----------------------------------------------------------[Wisteria Lane] Bree: This was a wonderful idea, Karen. Mrs. McCluskey: It wasn't exactly mine. Now be careful. You're spilling Edie. Lynette: Urn is empty. Let's do it. Bree: Shouldn't we say something first? Susan: Like what? Bree: I don't know. A few words describing how we felt about her? Gabrielle: I don't think Edie would want us to get all sappy. Mrs. McCluskey: Well, I think if we're quick about it, she'd be fine. Lynette: Mm. Here's a thought--we all say one word that sums up what we thought of her. Gabrielle: And then we dump her? Lynette: Then we dump her. Susan: Just one word. This is hard. Gabrielle: Okay, I got one. I'll go first. Edie Britt was sexy. Bree: Perceptive. Lynette: Strong. Mrs. McCluskey: Beautiful. Susan: I need four words. Lynette: All right. Susan: Okay. I want to do Edie justice, and for that to happen, I need four words, okay? Gabrielle: Edie would so not be surprised you're welcome. Lynette: Go ahead, Susan. What are your four words for Edie? Susan: One of a kind. Mrs. McCluskey: Now it's time. -----------------------------------------------------------Edie Voiceover: And that is how Wisteria Lane came to be my final resting place. My ashes were spread over grass I had once walked on...beneath trees that had once given me shade...on top of roses I once admired...and beside fences I once gossiped over. And after my friends had finished saying good-bye, a wind came along and took what was left of into the air. As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things which seem so ordinary, but when you put them together, they make up a life...a life that really was one of a kind. I'll tell you something--it's not hard to die when you know you have lived, and I did. Oh, how I lived. ~The End~
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Desperate Housewives 5X20 Roses turn -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette went back to work, and Tom filled his days... Gabrielle: You're good at this girl talk thing. Tom: Well, thanks. Bree: Do you at least know why he steals? Orson: I steal to hurt you. Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree struggled to understand her husband's problem, while down the street, Edie finally figured out her husband's plan... Edie: You married me so you could get close to the man who killed your family. Dave: He was never punished. Edie: Aah! Aah! -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Rose Kemper was a survivor. You could see that by looking into her eyes. She had buried one husband, given birth to five children, Survived illness, bankruptcy, even the loss of her teeth...As a result, Rose Kemper was no longer afraid of anything. Sadly, the man who climbed into her window that night was unaware this...But Rose was more than happy to explain it to him. [Roses house] Rose: Get out of here! Just get the hell out! I'm calling the police. Do you hear me?! -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Katherine: Mrs. Kemper? Rose: Katherine! What are you doing here? Katherine: Oh, I heard you weren't feeling well, so I brought you some flowers. Rose: Ohh. Katherine: The doctors tell me you had a mild heart attack. Rose: Did they tell you why? It was death. He came for me. Katherine: Death came for you? Rose: But I chased him out with my baseball bat. I gave him a good whack, too, right on the old noggin. Katherine: How much morphine do they have you on? Rose: You know that shelf where I keep my knickknacks? He tried to take one. Katherine: Death collects knickknacks. Rose: And when he couldn't get me, he went after that other lady...the one who crashed. Katherine: Edie Britt? Rose: Oh, yes, and I saw everything. Death just staggered out into the street, and he raised his hands and he made her run into that light pole. Katherine...you believe me, don't you? Oh, I would never make anything like this up. Katherine: I know you wouldn't, sweetheart. Listen, I'll stop by tomorrow. You just get your rest, okay? Rose: Uh, Katherine? If you see death lurking in the hall, you tell him he better not come around here, 'Cause I am not afraid of him. Mary Alice Voiceover: No, Rose Kemper was not afraid of anything...But the man who had broken into her home...was now very afraid of Rose Kemper. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits]
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-----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The fact is everyone does it...Sometimes with the help of an overturned cushion...Sometimes by means of a large potted plant...Other times using the top button of a shirt. Yes, everyone has something they want to keep hidden from prying eyes... [Hospital] Dr. Kagan: It's hard to believe you got this bump just by falling. Mary Alice Voiceover: But some people are better at cover-ups than others. Orson: I know, but that's what happened. I went for a walk, tripped, and I hit my head on the curb. Dr. Kagan: Okay, well, everything's looking much better. I see no reason why he shouldn't be released this weekend. Bree: Really? That soon? Dr. Kagan: You can pick him up in the afternoon. Orson, I'll check in one more time before you go. Orson: Well, you don't seem all that thrilled about the prospect of me coming home. Bree: Honey, I don't mean to be negative. It's just...what's gonna happen? Will you keep stealing and lying to me? I love you, but I just can't put up with that anymore. Orson: Don't worry. Things are gonna be different. Bree: How? Orson: Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I've decided...finally, to be happy. Bree: How can you just decide something like that? Orson: Look...there are things that I don't like about my life, but there is so much that is good. Do I really wanna risk losing everything? I mean, if I can decide to be resentful and jealous, I Can damn well decide to be happy...and be the kind of husband that you deserve. Bree: Do you really mean that? Orson: I do. Bree: I hope so, because I just cannot take any more lying. Orson: You won't have to. I can promise you that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Gabrielle: Dave? Hello? Dave? He didn't answer. Katherine: Okay, now I'm starting to get worried. Susan: Yeah, I left that casserole three days ago, and it's still there. I'm surprised the squirrels haven't gotten to it. Lynette: Maybe they did. Anybody seen any dead squirrels around here? Katherine: Even if Dave wants to be alone, we have to make sure he's taken care of. We owe it to Edie. Lynette: I say we keep showing up here until he lets us help him. Susan: We need to be annoying and persistent. We're good at that. Lynette: So who can come by later and check on him? I'd do it, but I'm working late. Susan: I'm in the classroom all day, and I have meetings after. Katherine: I have a rehearsal dinner to cater. Gabrielle: Ugh, and I have a garden club meeting. Lynette: You're in a garden club? Gabrielle: Yeah, I just joined. Lynette: Wait. There wouldn't happen to be actual gardeners in this club, would they? Susan: Hot shirtless gardeners with great abs and learner's permits? Gabrielle: Gee, this bit just gets funnier and funnier. Katherine: Oh, we tease because we love. Now back to Dave. I'll ask Mike to check in on him.
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Lynette: That'd be great. Susan: Remember to tell him "annoying and persistent." And I can make another casserole. Lynette: Yeah, 'cause he hasn't suffered enough. Gabrielle: That's a bit that I never get tired of. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Edies house] Mike: Dave? Hello? It's Mike. Dave? Dave? Yeah, I'm, uh, sorry to barge in. I just want to make sure you are ok. Katherine made you lasagna. Thought It'd be a good idea to eat something. Dave: I'm good. Mike: You'll get through this. Buddy, you will. Look, I have gone through some really... Dave: You've gone through nothing. And if you stand there and try to tell me you understand how I feel, I swear to god, I'm gonna lose my mind. Mike: I'm just trying to help. Dave: You can't, okay? So why don't you go back to Katherine and your happy little life and leave me the hell alone? Mike: You're right. I don't have any idea what you're going through. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Sweetie, I'm home. Hey. Tom: Hey. Lynette: Don't make plans on Tuesday. We're having dinner at the Solis' and...what's that look on your face? You didn't eat dairy again, did you? Tom: No. I've been working out. Lynette: Oh. Tom: If you're good, I'll let you cop a feel. Lynette: Hmm. That's okay. I can see it from here. Thrilling. Mwah. Tom: You smell good. Lynette: Mm. I just took a shower, And I know where you're going with this... Tom: Mm. Lynette: But I am exhausted. Tom: Oh, come on, Lynette. Please? Lynette: Ooh. Whining... that's hot. Fine. Let's have sex. But I warn you, I'm just gonna lie here, resenting you the whole time, waiting for this hell to be over. Tom: Okay. If you're sure. Lynette: Tom! Tom: Mmm. Lynette: Come on! Tom: All right, all right. Okay, forget it. Wait. Y...you just took a shower? Where? Lynette: At work. Tom: I didn't know you had a shower there. Lynette: I don't. Carlos does. Tom: So you went into Carlos' office, stripped naked and took a shower? Lynette: No, I went into Carlos' bathroom, closed the door, then stripped naked and took a shower. Tom: I'm not comfortable with this. What if he walked in? Lynette: Then maybe I'd get that raise I've been asking for. Tom: This isn't funny. You already spend 16 hours a day with the guy, and now I find out that some of those
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hours, you are naked and wet. Lynette: Hours? It was two minutes. It's not like I'm lighting candles and putting on Barry White. Tom: I don't care. I want it to stop. Lynette: Fine. I should've just had sex. I'd be asleep by now. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lawn] Edna: Oh, and, ladies, we have been asked by the city council to beautify the center divider on main street. So make sure your calendars are clear next Tuesday. Gabrielle: I know I'm new here at the garden club, but what's with all the gardening? I thought this was just an excuse to get together for bitchin' and boozin'. Woman: Blame Edna, the flower fascist. Patty: Yeah, when we first joined, we used to sit around in wicker chairs, drinking margaritas and just looked at the flowers. Gabrielle: Oh, I'd kill for a margarita. Edna: Don't cluster, ladies. Vary the colors. Gabrielle: And she's the one I'd kill. I mean, really, who died and left her in charge? Patty: Alice Koontz. Grand mal seizure while driving. Gabrielle: Oh. Well, this Edna has got to be stopped. Woman: How? Oh, my god. You're planning a coup, aren't you? I'm in. Patty: Me, too. Gabrielle: Well, that's three. Who else can we get? Patty: Definitely Judy. And Terry's allergic to everything. One bee sting, and she blows up like...well, like, Judy. Gabrielle: How about the woman in the overalls? Woman: Phyllis? She just got her second D.U.I. If there's cocktails, she's in. Gabrielle: Okay, so the lush gives us six. What about them? Patty: No way. They're all friends of Edna's. Gabrielle: Mm. All right, so they have six, and we have six. We're gonna need a tiebreaker. Hey, uh, are men allowed to join the group? Patty: I don't know why they wouldn't be. Gabrielle: Ladies, start your blenders. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lawn] Dr. Kagen: Orson, I heard you wanted to see me. Orson: Yes, Dr. Kagen. I heard you're treating a lady acrs the hall. Dr. Kagen: Uh, you mean Rose Kemper? Orson: Yeah, she's actually my neighbor. I wanted to know how she's doing. Dr. Kagen: Sorry. I can't discuss her condition with anyone she's not related to. Orson: Oh. Well, that's a problem. See, she has no family or friends, for that matter. And, uh, because of her dementia... Dr. Kagen: Who said she has dementia? Orson: Well, certainly you've heard some of her bizarre ramblings. If she doesn't have dementia, it's something just as troubling. Dr. Kagen: She has been saying some very disturbing things. But I wasn't aware it was an ongoing situation. Orson: Oh, yes, it is. And I'm so worried about her going back to that big house with no one to look after her. Dr. Kagen: Hmm. I hate to get social services involved. They'd probably just stick her in some state-run
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facility. Orson: Oh, that would be a shame. But what if she ends up hurting herself or someone else? I mean, I'm not a lawyer, but wouldn't the hospital be liable? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Carlos: Hey, Penny. Aren't you gonna be late for school? Penny: My stupid brothers hid my homework. Real mature. Carlos: Is your mom ready? Penny: She's in the shower. Carlos: What? [Inside] Carlos: Lynette! Lynette: Carlos, you're early! Carlos: Didn't you get my text? The meeting got moved up. Lynette: Oh, crap. I'll be right there! Aah! Carlos: Lynette, you okay? Lynette? Are you all right? If you don't answer me, I'm coming in there. Oh, my god. [Bedroom] Carlos: (on phone) All right, doctor. Thank you. Bye. Carlos: He says that since you weren't out very long, you should be fine. And don't worry about the meeting. I pushed it to lunch, and I can handle it alone. Lynette: No, I'm fine. I-I want to go. Carlos: You sure? Lynette: Mm-hmm. Carlos: Okay, I'll let you get dressed. Lynette: Hey, Carlos, quick question for ya. Last thing I remember, I was in the shower, naked, reaching for the soap. Then I was here on the bed, under a blanket...still naked. And my question is, how did I get from there to here? Carlos: Well...I carried you. Lynette: Uh-huh. Which means you saw me... Carlos: Lynette, the only thing I was thinking about was were you gonna be all right? Lynette: Oh, well, I appreciate that. (laugh) And here's something else I'd appreciate...Could we not tell anyone else about this? Carlos: Not tell anyone? I'm a first-time hero. This was gonna be my lead item in this year's Christmas letter. Lynette: If Tom finds out, he'll freak. He has this weird thing about being the only guy who gets to see me naked. Carlos: You got it. Now get dressed. We gotta go. Lynette: Could you maybe step outside? I only do one show a day. Carlos: Sorry. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Woman: Here you go! Gabrielle: Edna, here's your diet soda. Try to keep your pants on. Edna: You know, I don't mean to be a killjoy, but are we gonna do any planting today? Gabrielle: There's some seeds in this. Knock yourself out.
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Gabrielle: Patty, do you mind if I steal Tom for a sec? Patty: Okay, but only a sec. Tom: Okay. [Kitchen] Tom: What's up? Gabrielle: First of all, you're a real prince for coming today. Thanks to you, our coup is complete. Tom: No problem. Gabrielle: Anyway, I know you must be bored silly, so go ahead and make your escape. Tom: Actually, I'm thinking of staying. I'm having a great time, meeting some nice people. Gabrielle: Yeah, about that...I gotta warn you. Patty's kinda got a thing for married men. Tom: Oh, Patty? No! No, no. She's just being nice. Gabrielle: Yes, she's like that. She'll give you the bra off her back. Tom: We're just talking. Gabrielle: "Oh, Tom, what big arms you have"...That kind of talking? Tom: Oh, that. Okay, fine. Fine. Point taken. Gabrielle: Okay, great. Now if you'll excuse me have to get back to my gardening. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Andrew: So Orson's decided to be happy. Isn't that great? Bree: He sounded very sincere. Andrew: I'll bet. So just how happy is he going to be? Will he whistle while he works or will he just skip around the house occasionally? Bree: I did not raise you to be bitchy. Andrew: No, you raised me to be passive-aggressive. My bitchiness...that was self-taught. Bree: Well, save it for those karaoke parties at Bob and Lee's. I am not amused. Andrew: Mom, your B.S. Meter might be broken, but mine works just fine. Orson's up to something. Bree: Well, I can understand why you're a bit cynical, but I'm giving him another chance. He's my husband, and I still love him. Andrew: He's been stealing stuff from your friends. He tried to get you to sell your business. Bree: I know. Andrew: Fine. Go ahead. Take him back. But while you're watching Orson skip and sing, I'll be looking up divorce lawyers, just in case. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Mike: Susan, you here? Susan: In the kitchen. Mike: Why are you mopping the ceiling? Susan: I was cooking, all right? Mike: Lids. Susan, you really gotta start using lids. Susan: Sometimes it's the stove's fault. Mike: So I, uh, saw Dave last night. Susan: How'd that go? Mike: Not good. He's in a really dark place. He kinda lashed out at me. Susan: At you? Why? Mike: I don't know. It's like all of a sudden, he resents my happiness with Katherine. Susan: That's weird.
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Mike: Maybe not. When your wife dies, it must be depressing to see other people in a loving relationship. Hey, maybe you could look in on him. Yeah, yeah, that didn't come out right. Susan: I know what you meant. I'll stop by tomorrow and see him. Mike: Thanks. Susan: You know, this whole thing with Edie...I mean, seeing her lying in the street that night...Oh, it just brought up all those awful memories from our accident. Mike: Susan. We did what we had to do. Susan: Yeah. Look what it did to us. M.J.: Daddy! Mike: Hey, buddy. Hey, you hungry? M.J.: No, mommy made spaghetti. Mike: All right, I'll, uh, I'll have him back before school. You take care. Susan: You, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house - doorway] Susan: Hey. I'm on my way to work, but I just wanted to bring you these. Uh, chicken salad sandwiches, which I did not make. I bought. I learned my lesson from the casserole. Dave: Uh, thanks. Susan: Uh, wait. Could you maybe have one right now so that I know that you actually ate something? Dave: I'm not hungry, but again, thanks. Susan: Dave, I know that you're going through hell, But Edie was my friend, so please, let me help you. Just a little. [Inside] Susan: You sure you don't want one? It's really good. Dave: Still not hungry. Susan: So...have you thought about what you're gonna do now? Dave: I'm gonna sell the house. Susan: You're kidding. So soon? Dave: I've got a realtor coming by today. I'm gonna put the money in a trust for Travers. It's, uh, it's what Edie would have wanted. Susan: Okay, well...at least you're making plans for the future. Dave: Everything that ever mattered to me is gone. The future's the last thing I'm thinking about. Susan: Uh, well, I should probably...put these away before I finish them off. Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help you? A load of laundry? Dave: No, thanks. Susan: How about a pot of coffee? Or I could just...straighten up in here? Dave: Susan, please. I need to be alone. Susan: Oh. Uh...okay. Sure. Susan: Do you know what is a great cure for the blues? Cribbage. Do you have a cribbage set? Dave: I thought you had to go to work. Susan: I'll call in sick, take the day off. Dave: Susan...I really don't want to be rude, but you need to leave. Susan: Okay. You have a realtor coming, right? You cannot let him see the house in this condition. So just let me clean up a little. You won't even know I'm here. Susan: All right. I will be back after work to check on you. But until then, here's the phone, in case you wanna order Chinese or...call a hotline or something.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Car] Susan: (on phone) Hey, Katherine, can you call me back as soon as you can? I just left Dave, and he's in bad shape. I actually think that he might be...Oh, crap. I gotta go. Susan: Yes, officer? Officer: License and registration, please. Susan: Oh, okay. Uh, what did I do? Officer: It's against the law to talk on a cell phone without using a hands-free device while driving, as of January 1st. Susan: Right. I know that. I just was worried about a friend so I forgot. I'm sorry. Officer: Step out of the car slowly. Susan: Uh, what? You don't want the license? Officer: Out of the car. Susan: Oh! You think that I'm dangerous. No, I totally have an explanation for those. Officer: Stop talking. Susan: You're gonna feel really silly when you hear what it is. Officer: Get out of the car now! Susan: Okay. Officer: On the ground! Susan: Oh, yes, sir! Katherine: (on phone) Hey, Susan. I just got your message about Dave. I'm on my way to the hospital, but if you want me to, I...You know, why don't we talk later? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Gabrielle: Hey, Tom. Tom: Hey. Gabrielle: Was that Patty Rizzo? Tom: Yeah. I had some car trouble, so she followed me over to the garage and gave me a lift back. Gabrielle: Patty lives six blocks away. I live down the street. Why didn't you ask me to take you? Tom: Are you going somewhere with this? Gabrielle: All right, look, Tom, I'm sorry, but I got a responsibility here. I brought you into the club. I introduced you to the horny homemaker. I just don't want you to... Tom: What, Gaby, cheat on my wife? Gabrielle: I was gonna say "die of gonorrhea," Tom: But that's close enough. Okay, um, I really appreciate your concern, but how can I put this? Butt out. Gabrielle: All right, Tom, you leave me no choice. You are no longer allowed to see Patty. Tom: "Allowed"? Who are you, my mother? Gabrielle: I trump your mother. I am garden club president. Tom: This is ridiculous. I thought you were my friend. Gabrielle: Look, I love you, Tom, but you're my friend with a small "f." My friend with the big "f" is Lynette. So if I see something that could hurt her, You bet your ass I'm gonna do something about it. Tom: A neighbor offered me a ride. If you want to hurt Lynette and twist it into something that it isn't, screw you. And that's with a big "f." -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Bree: Hello, my love.
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Orson: Oh, hello, darling. Please tell me you're here to spring me. Not that I haven't enjoyed every moment Of your poking and prodding. Dr. Kagan: I'm just taking one last look at your husband. Are you sure he wasn't in some sort of bar fight? It looks like he got smacked over the head with a pool cue or something. Bree: Orson's not exactly the bar-fight type. He's more of a raised voices at-a-cheese-tasting type. Dr. Kagan: While I'm finishing up here, do you wanna go sign the discharge papers? Bree: Great. Be back in a minute. Katherine: Bree? Bree: Katherine. Hi. What are you doing here? Katherine: Oh, I came to see Rose Kemper. Bree: Oh, right. I heard she was here. Katherine: Yeah, it's so sad. I'm here to help her pack. Social services is coming this afternoon to take her to some nursing home. Bree: I'm surprised. I knew she was a bit dotty, but didn't think it was that serious. Katherine: Oh, yes. She's been telling people this story about how death broke into her house. Bree: Death? Katherine: Mm-hmm. Bree: Oh, dear. Katherine: Apparently he climbed in through a window and then tried to steal one of her knickknacks. Bree: Well, that's odd. Katherine: Yeah. Then she whacked him across the head with a baseball bat. Bree: A bat? Katherine: Which is what I would do if death were ever to steal one of my knickknacks. Bree: So did she get a good look at...death? Katherine: No. She said he was wearing some sort of mask. She tells the story so convincingly, you almost believe her. Oh, there's the social worker. I wanna be there when she talks to Rose. Dr. Kagan: He's all yours, Bree. Bree: Wonderful. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Lynette: This dinner is delicious. You really didn't have to do this. Carlos: With the long hours you've been putting in, I just wanted to do something special to say thank you. Gabrielle: And by "do something," he means having me slave over a rack of lamb all day. Carlos: I would like to propose a toast. Who says that friendship and business don't mix? To friendship. Lynette: Hear, hear. To friendship. So I want to hear more about the garden club. Tom says he's meeting all kinds of nice people. Gabrielle: Really? Any favorites, Tom? Tom: They're all great gals. One's sort of a pain in the ass. Other than her, I'm having a great time. Gabrielle: Although I keep telling Tom how dangerous gardens can be. Everywhere you step, there are shovels and rakes and hoes. Carlos: You know, Lynette and I should really be toasting you two. Lynette: Mm. Gabrielle: Us? Carlos: Yeah, for putting up with all the long hours we've been keeping.
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Tom: Hey, I didn't mind the long hours. I wasn't so crazy about the whole shower thing, but... Carlos: Oh, so Lynette told you about that? Tom: Yeah, she thought I was nuts for getting weird about it. Carlos: I get it. A guy carries your unconscious, naked wife to your bed... Tom: What are you talking about? Lynette: Hey, is this gorgonzola? Carlos: The other day when she fell in your shower. What are you talking about? Tom: When she took a shower in your office. Carlos: You took a shower in my office? Tom: What's going on here? Gabrielle: Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work. She slipped and fell, and he helped her. Lynette: You told her? I asked you not to. Carlos: She's my wife. I tell her everything. Tom: Oh, you hear that, Lynette? They tell each other everything. That way they know that they're not hiding anything. Lynette: I was just afraid you'd overreact, like you're doing...right now. Tom: Full disclosure, Lynette...that's what a marriage is about. Gabrielle: So I assume you fully disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo. Lynette: What little friendship? Tom: You know what? I think this is gorgonzola. Lynette: Tom? Tom: Well, Patty gave me a ride home, and for some reason, Gaby's making a big deal about it. Lynette: Cause it's Patty Rizzo. She's a total slut. You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car. Gabrielle: Exactly. Carlos: Stay out of this, Gaby. You've done enough damage. Gabrielle: Hey, don't snap at me. Lynette's my friend. I was just watching her back. Tom: While your husband was watching her front. Lynette: Drop it, Tom. We'll continue this at home. Gabrielle: If you have a shower at the office, How can you come home smelling so bad? Carlos: I don't know. Why does the lamb taste like sawdust? -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Oh, thank you, darling. I can't tell you how nice it is to be home again. Bree: Well, it's wonderful to have you home. How's your head? Orson: Mm, it still hurts. Bree: Well, that'll teach you to go out walking in the middle of the night. You know, I still don't know why you were out so late. Orson: Well, I told you. We had a little spat, and I wanted to clear my head. Bree: Oh. And then you bumped it on that nasty curb. Orson: Well, that'll teach me to fight with my lovely wife. Bree: Hmm. And that's all you were doing, just going out for a walk? Orson: That's all. Bree: Oh, you know, I just remembered some business I have to discuss with Andrew. Orson: Mm. Bree: Enjoy your tea.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Andrews house] Andrew: Hey, mom. What's wrong? Bree: Orson's lying to me again. So I think I have to divorce him. Andrew: Just, uh, tell me how I can help. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house] Katherine: You okay? Mike: I just keep thinking about Dave. His life was so great. He had everything. Then one day, boom! All gone. Katherine: Yeah, I know. Life can turn on a dime...Dave, Edie, Rose Kemper...The one thing it's made me realize is...I don't want to live with regrets. Mike: Me neither. Katherine: I've been wanting to tell you this for some time. Remember when I suggested moving in together? It wasn't just about saving rent. I was trying to pull you closer, manipulate some kind of commitment out of you. And that's not who I am, so I want you to know that I'm sorry, and it won't happen again. From now on, no hidden agendas. Mike: I like that policy. Katherine: I'm always gonna be honest with you. After all, you're the guy I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house - doorway] Dave: Ah, more sandwiches. Or is my gun in there? Susan: It's just your belts and ties. The police kept the rest. Dave: I know. They called. You told them I was suicidal. Susan: I'm sorry. It's just... the things you said...I'm worried about you. Dave: Don't be. I told you, I'm fine. [Inside] Susan: You are not fine. How could you be? You have suffered a horrible loss. And you are allowed to feel any way you want. But I know that you are not fine. Okay, well, I'm sorry for ransacking your house. I'll stop bugging you. Dave: Edie and I had a fight. That night. A bad one. I came home. We argued. She stormed out, got in her car and died. Susan: Oh, Dave...That does not make it your fault. Dave: Doesn't it? If things had been different, if I...had been different, she'd still be alive. Susan: You can't think that way. I mean, what happened is bad enough. Y... you can't blame yourself for it, too. If you do that, you will destroy everything you have left that's good. Trust me. I know. Dave: Trust me. You don't. Susan: A few years ago, Mike and I got in a car accident. A woman and her daughter...died. Dave: Yeah, I... I heard about that. Mike was driving, right? Susan: That's what we said...but it wasn't true. After the crash, I couldn't find my license. I had switched purses that night, and I had left it at home, and so...Mike...told them that he was driving. He took the blame for me. So...I understand guilt. And I want you to understand that Edie's death was an awful tragedy. It was not your fault. Dave: Maybe you're right. Thank you for telling me. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Carlos company] Carlos: Heck of a dinner party, huh? It's amazing how fast you can eat in total silence. Lynette: It's my fault. I should have just told Tom the truth, although it turned out to be kind of a wash with the whole Patty Rizzo thing. Carlos: You know what I think is cool? You guys have been married a long time, and you still get jealous. Lynette: Yeah. But just to be on the safe side, if I fall in my tub again, let me die there. Carlos: Okay. Back to work. Lynette: Yes. And we shall never speak of this again. I am embarrassed enough. Carlos: Lynette? I saw you without your towel. You got nothing to be embarrassed about. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Hey. Tom: Hey. How's the garden club today? Gabrielle: Oh, Phyllis got tanked on cosmos and threw up on Edna...So now we're back to planting crap. Look, I'm really sorry for sticking my nose into that whole Patty Rizzo thing. Tom: It's okay. I...The truth is, is I knew she was coming on to me. Gabrielle: Then why did you keep hanging out with her? Tom: Lynette has been so swamped with work lately, that she doesn't...It's just nice having a woman notice me again. Is that terrible? Gabrielle: No. I get it. When we first moved here, Carlos was working round the clock, and he'd come home and barely say hello to me. Tom: Hmm. Gabrielle: It was like I was invisible. Tom: Invisible... that's the word. Gabrielle: So when he didn't see me, I found someone who did. Tom: Y...you know I'd never do that to Lynette. Gabrielle: I never thought I'd do it to Carlos. Tom: Well...then it's a good thing I've got a friend around to keep an eye on me, even if it's one with a small "f". Gabrielle: Well, for the record, you're growing on me. You know what? I'm thirsty. Let's start a book club. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The fact is everyone does it. Everyone tries to cover up what they don't want others to see. Women hide their need for commitment...Men disguise their gring insecurity...Wives mask their intense disdain. How can ordinary people hide the truth of their feelings so successfully? All it takes is a friendly gesture... [Outside Susans house] Dave: You can't play in the street, M.J. You could get hurt, and that would really tear your mom apart. Mary Alice Voiceover:and a plan. ~The End~
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Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Jackson: Does this relationship have a future? Susan: Can't we just keep going the way we are? Mary Alice Voiceover: Jackson left. Bree: Orson's lying to me again. Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree made a decision. Bree: So I think I have to divorce him. Mary Alice Voiceover: Karl signed up. Susan: Karl, what are you doing here? Karl: Well, I just enrolled Evan. Susan: Wow. Mary Alice Voiceover: And Susan confessed. Susan: Mike and I got in a car accident. Dave: Mike was driving, right? Susan: That's what we said, but it wasn't true. He took the blame for me. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: On this street, the bargaining begins at sunrise... an old woman offers a paperboy a generous tip if he'll throw the paper onto her porch... a wife tells her husband she'll make his favorite dinner if he'll bring home roses... a man tells his neighbor he'll take in his garbage cans the day she finally mows her lawn. Yes, on Wisteria Lane, everyone knows how to bargain--absolutely everyone. [Katherines house] M.J.: I don't want oatmeal. Can I have pancakes? Mike: Katherine's not a short order cook, buddy. If she made oatmeal for breakfast, we're having oatmeal. Katherine: I tell you what, M.J., if you finish just half of it, I will make candied apples for your sleepover. M.J.: I love candy apples. Mike: She's letting you off easy. You should thank her. M.J.: Thank you, Katherine. Katherine: You are so welcome, you sweet thing. M.J.: Dad, are you gonna marry Katherine? Mike: Um...that's, um...I don't know. M.J.: Why not? Mike: Oh, well, oh, because we haven't talked about marriage. M.J.: Why not? Mike: M.J., you're being rude. Katherine: Oh, I'm not offended. M.J.: Don't you wanna marry Katherine? Mike: Well...I love her. She's absolutely fantastic. M.J.: So why don't you marry her? Mike: Can you help me out here? Katherine: Are you kidding? Mike: Buddy, um, when it comes to marriage, the truth is...wow. Would you look at the time? I'm late for work. We're gonna have to talk about this later. Katherine: Coward. Mike: You got that right. M.J.: How'd I do? Katherine: You were great.
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M.J.: But he didn't answer me. Katherine: Doesn't matter. Issue's on the table. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, on this street, the negotiating begins at sunrise, and it doesn't end... Katherine: Here's the ice cream I promised you. Mary Alice Voiceover:until someone gets exactly what they want. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Walter Bergen was a divorce lawyer, and the women who hired him always had something to say about the men they were divorcing. Woman #1: He's always talking to his grandmother, who died six years ago. Woman #2: He spends all his money on hookers, who may or may not be women. Woman #3: He says he needs more money for the children, and by "children," I mean racehorses. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Walter Bergen thought he had heard it all until the day when one of his clients actually said... [Walters office] Bree: My husband is a decent man, and I want to do right by him. Walter: Women who seek my services rarely take that attitude. Bree: Well, I like to think of myself as a good person. Walter: I'm sure you are. And I wouldn't worry about your husband. The income he'll derive from his half of the catering business alone should-Bree: Wait. I'm not planning on giving him half. It's my business. Walter: Which you started after you were married. That entitles him to half. Bree: I-I may have overstated things when I described my husband as a decent man. He actually has a wide variety of psychological problems. Walter: Mrs. Hodge, it's state law. What do you want me to say? Bree: I want you to say that for $300 an hour, you have some lawyer tricks up your sleeve to help me protect my business. Walter: Surely you're not asking me to do something criminal? Mrs. Hodge, didn't you say you like to think of yourself as a good person? Bree: Well, clearly, I like to think of myself as a rich person even more. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Katherine: Oh! Full house. Bree takes the high. Gaby gets the low. Bree: Split the pot. Gabrielle: Oh, I hate splitting the pot. Bree: Well, that's the rule. There's nothing you can do about it. So stop bitching. Well, you can't talk to me like that. I am the wife of Fairview's Latino businessman of the year. All except Bree : Hey! Katherine: So he finally won? Gabrielle: Yeah. There's gonna be a huge dinner, and we're taking a picture with the mayor and his wife. Susan: Oh, not necessarily. I hear they're getting divorced, and it's gonna get ugly. Katherine: Really? How do you know? Susan: The wife hired the sleaziest, most unethical divorce lawyer in town. Bree: Oh. Who--Who's that? Susan: My ex-husband.
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Bree: Oh, right. Karl's a divorce lawyer. Susan: Yeah, and a total shark. The worst thing about our divorce was that I couldn't hire him to represent me. Bree: But I thought you just split everything done the middle. Susan: Oh, not with Karl. By the time he's done finding loopholes and hiding assets, there's nothing left to split. Bree: You don't say. Tom: Hey, ladies. Uh, Lynette, ahem. It's getting kinda late. Susan: Are you kicking us out, Tom? Tom: Uh, no. No, just reminding Lynette. That it's, uh, ten minutes till midnight, which means ten minutes till tomorrow. Lynette: I got it. I'll be right up. Susan: What was that about? Lynette: Tom and I are reading this book that suggests couples make a pact to have sex every night for a month. Katherine: Let me guess. Written by a guy? Gabrielle: Was his name Carlos Solis? Lynette: We've been having some problems, so the theory is it creates intimacy and brings you closer. Susan: Is it working? Lynette: I've gotta say it is. You become more attuned to each other's needs and more sensitive to-Tom: Lynette! Lynette: Jeez! Two seconds! Bree: We--we should go. Lynette: No, we're in our third week. We got this down to a science. Just deal me out a few hands. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Juanita, hurry up. The bus will be here any minute. Juanita: Be right down! Gabrielle: There's an extra piece of cinnamon toast on the table. Juanita: Not hungry. Bye! -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Dave: (on phone) Susan? It's Dave. Hey, remember I was telling you about my buddy that owns that boat on Bass Lake? Yeah, well, he's not using it this weekend, so I thought maybe I'd take you and M.J. fishing. Yeah, I know it's short notice, but I really wanted to do something to thank you. You've been so good to me since Edie died. Plus I know M.J. would love it. Great. I'm really looking forward to it. Bye. Copy paper says: Child Dead in Tragic Accident at Bass Lake -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: (on phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Principal Hardy. What's up? She's wearing what? Gabrielle: Now march in there and wipe that stuff off! Juanita: You don't have to yell. Gabrielle: Yes, I do. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was for me to get that call today? Now every parent in town is gonna think that I let my 6-year-old wear makeup to school! And I want my makeup back. Is it in here? Why do you have this? Juanita.
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Juanita: I was trying to look like you. Gabrielle: Why? Juanita: Some girls at school saw you pick me up yesterday and told me I must be adopted. They said I wasn't pretty enough to be your daughter. -----------------------------------------------------------[Street] Susan: How's it feeling, Mrs. McCluskey? Mrs. McCluskey: I-It's really throbbing. Oh, please hurry. Jackson: Hi there. Susan: Jackson, hey. You're back. Jackson: I needed to talk to you. Susan: Why didn't you call? Jackson: I wanted to surprise you. Susan: Well, you did. Mrs. McCluskey: Ahem. Susan: Oh, uh, right. Jackson, you remember Mrs. McCluskey, don't you? Jackson: Sure. How are you, Mrs. McCluskey? Mrs. McCluskey: Oh, I'm in agonizing pain. Thanks for asking. Susan: I'm taking her to the doctor so he can perform a little procedure. Mrs. McCluskey: He's gonna lance a boil on my backside. It may rupture any second. Susan: Okay. I just had my car detailed, so I should probably go. Jackson: No problem. Uh, when can I see you? Susan: Um...how about dinner tomorrow night? Jackson: Sounds great. Mrs. McCluskey: If you two want to keep staring at each other, I can just go lay down on the lawn and die. I don't mind. Susan: I'll see you tomorrow. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mikes house] Mike: Karl. Karl: Hey, Mike. Heard M.J.'s having a sleepover. I thought I'd hit you up for an invitation. Mike: Aren't you a little old for sleepovers? Karl: Cards on the table. I need your help. Evan's one of the only boys in class who wasn't invited, and he's really upset. Mike: Okay, cards on the table. M.J. Says Evan's a bully, and he doesn't want him at his sleepover. Karl: Well, what if I promise Evan will be on his best behavior? Mike: I'm sorry. It's out of my hands. M.J. finalized his guest list. Karl: Well, I think if you check that list again, you'll notice Evan's name's on there. Mike: I'm M.J.'s dad, not his bouncer. But...thanks. -----------------------------------------------------------[Company] Lynette: (on phone) Hey, honey. How's your day going? Tom: (on phone) Very exciting. Just got back from the grocery store. It is double coupon day, sorta like the Oscars and the super bowl all rolled into one. Lynette: (on phone) Did you remember to get my, um...my special deodorant? Tom: (on phone) I sure did. Milady's armpits will be aluminum-free. How is your day?
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Lynette: (on phone) I'm totally slammed, which is why I'm calling. It looks like I'm gonna be here late tonight, and by "late," I mean past midnight. Tom: (on phone) Wait. W-What about our pact? Lynette: (on phone) We'll...double up tomorrow. Tom: (on phone) Lynette, I have been looking forward to this all day. Lynette: (on phone) I know, and I'm really sorry. Listen, I gotta go. I will call you later. I love you. Bye. [Lynettes office] Lynette: Tom. What are you doing here? Is everything all right? Tom: Everything's fine. Lynette: Well, then what are you doing...here? Oh, no. Are you crazy? Tom: Crazy about you, baby. Lynette: But I have so much to do, and I'm not gonna be done till 2:00 a.m. Possibly 3:00. Whoo! Tom: Come on. This is important. Remember what the book said? Every night, no matter what. Lynette: No, this is a really bad time for me. Well, you did buy me that deodorant. Ooh! Operator: Lynette, I have Carlos on line two. Lynette: Uh, tell him I'll call right back. Operator: He says it's really important. Lynette: (on phone) Hello? Carlos: (on phone) Hey, Lynette. I'm over here at capital consultants, and the guys have a question. I need you to pull up their account. Lynette: (on phone) Now? I'm kind of busy! Carlos: (on phone) Well, the ad has to be at the printer's by noon, So yeah, now. Lynette? Lynette! Lynette: (on phone) Yes? Carlos: (on phone) What's going on? You all right? Lynette: (on phone) Sorry. Just had the handyman in here, but he's finished. Thank you, handyman. Tom: You're welcome, ma'am. Lynette: (on phone) So...Carlos...where were we? -----------------------------------------------------------[Karls office] Karl: Could I get you something? Bree: No, thanks, I don't drink. Karl: Oh, that's right. Glug glug. I remember now. Bree: I'm bringing you business, Karl. Try not to insult me. Karl: Sorry. So you want to divorce Orson. Bree: Yes, I know that comes as a surprise. Karl: Not really. I've met him. The guy's a stiff. Bree: Karl, if we move forward, I will insist you handle our divorce with dignity. Karl: Are you sure? I don't know of a dignified way to screw a spouse out of money that they, by law, are entitled to. That is why you're hiring me, right? Bree: I just want to protect what is rightfully mine. Can you help me? Karl: Sure. Bree: Lovely. I'll make out a check. Karl: Yeah, not so fast. Uh, I said I could do it, not that I would. I need a favor. Bree: Well, what kind of a favor? Karl: M.J. Delfino is having a sleepover at his house in two days. My son wasn't invited. Now his feelings are hurt.
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Bree: So? Karl: So I want you to get my son into that sleepover. Bree: How would I go about doing that? Karl: Gosh, I don't know. How would I go about hiding your assets from Orson? Bree: I need your help, Karl. I really do, but I am not comfortable manipulating a 6-year-old. Karl: Mm-Hmm. You know, I had this one client...his wife had been with him since junior high. She supported him through med school, gave him three kids and the best years of her life. Once I had done my particular brand of legal magic, he ended up with 90% of the money, and she ended up in a studio apartment...with a roommate. Bree: Then again...M.J. does...love my macaroons. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Carlos: Sweetie, dont listen to those kids. They are idiots. You are a gorgeous little girl. Juanita: You have to say that. You're my dad. Carlos: No, it's the truth. You are naturally beautiful. Makeup just covers that up. Gabrielle: He's right, sweetie. You don't need all that gunk on your face. Juanita: Then why do you wear it? Gabrielle: Because I'm an adult. And besides, I hardly wear any. Carlos: Come on, Gaby. Let's try to keep this real. Juanita: Are you gonna wear makeup when daddy gets his big award? Gabrielle: Well, it's a big, fancy dinner. Of course. Juanita: But that's not fair. Gabrielle: Sweetie, you're 6. There's a lot of things I can do that you don't. Juanita: So you get to look pretty at daddy's party, and I have to look like this? Carlos: Hey, I have a great idea. Gabrielle: Okay, see? Your daddy's got a great idea. Carlos: How about if neither one of you wears makeup to the dinner? Juanita: Okay. Gabrielle: No, no, no. Your daddy's just being silly. Can I talk to you for a second, silly daddy? Gabrielle: Are you a lunatic? I am not walking Into a ballroom full of people without my face on. Carlos: Come on. This is to teach her that beauty's only skin deep. Gabrielle: Yeah, well, once you see this skin without foundation, you may want to rethink that. Carlos: Gaby, your daughter is in pain. And don't you love her enough to put your vanity aside for one night? Gabrielle: I was in labor for 20 hours. She still owes me for that! Fine. I will make the ultimate sacrifice, and I will be ugly for my daughter. But if she ever needs a kidney... -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Mike: Wow. Wow. You're really going all out on this sleepover. Although I'm not sure that tons of sugar and whistles are a good combination. Katherine: Oh, good point. I'll make us some goody bags filled with earplugs and vodka. Mike: It's great. I'm sure M.J. will appreciate it. Katherine: I'm sure he will. He's a great kid...and funny. That was hilarious the other day, when he asked us when we're getting married. Mike: I'm glad I was tap-dancing my ass off. Katherine: No, you were great. Although...someday you'll probably have to answer the question.
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Mike: I'm sure he's forgotten by now. You know kids. Katherine: Kids are like that. Grown-Ups on the other hand...not so much. Mike: We're not talking about M.J. anymore, are we? Katherine: Oh, you want to go run and get your tap shoes? Mike: No. No. I'll be completely honest here. Moving in with you is one of the best decisions I ever made. You make me really, really happy. Katherine: But? Mike: I've been married before, and I just don't see myself getting married again. Katherine: Okay. Mike: Probably not what you wanted to hear. Katherine: I wanted the truth. It's not your fault the truth sucks. So could you get the streamers out of the car? Mike: Sure. Oh, by the way, for what it's worth, I do love you. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: I've only been working there two months, but I love it. And the kids are so cute. And I get to see M.J. during the day, which is nice. Uh, you know, uh, for a guy that just had to see me so bad, you...you seem awfully far away. Jackson: I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous. I have something...to ask you, and I don't know how you're gonna react. Susan: What is it? Jackson: Oh. This is gonna come out of nowhere, but...I want you to marry me. A-And here's how I came to this. The other day...What are you doing? Susan: I have to go upstairs. Jackson: Now? Jackson: Susan, are you okay? Susan: I'm fine. I just didn't want you to see me crying. Jackson: Honey, you didn't let me finish. Susan: Oh, I'm sorry. Just, um, all these months, I've been telling myself that I didn't really care about you, which was easy to do because you left so suddenly. But I am so lonely. And as much as I tell myself that I like being the strong, single woman on her own, the truth is, I think about you all the time. And I wanted to call you, but I thought youd gotten over me. And to hear that you still love me...that is just something that I really needed to hear right now. And I want you to know--Oh, god. I want you to know I love you, too. Jackson...I love you. Jackson? Jackson: Oh, god. I really wish you'd let me finish. Susan: Finish what? Jackson: Susan, I need you to marry me so that immigration doesn't deport me back to Canada. The one thing I didn't tell you is that I'm here on a student visa that expired six years ago, and I got a call from the authorities, so unless I can find somebody that will marry me, I'm gonna be in really big trouble. Susan? Susan, did you hear me? Susan: I heard. Jackson: So...what do you say? Jackson: Okay. Okay, it was a bad idea. Susan: Get out or I will kick your ass back to the Canadian border! Jackson: Ow! -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house]
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Tom: Took a shower, brushed my teeth. We are good to go. Lynette. Lynette: What are you doing? Tom: You know, the pact. Lynette: Oh. Didn't we already do it tonight? Tom: No. Lynette: Oh, they're all starting to blur. Look, I worked till 3:00 a.m. last night. I'm exhausted. How about we take a rain check? Tom: A rain check? Lynette: Mm. Tom: This isn't baseball. Every night for 30 days--that's the law. Lynette: Tom, I have a 7:00 a.m. meeting. How about I take a long lunch, and you do me twice at work tomorrow? Tom: Come on. This is important. Lynette: Okay. Okay. We'll have sex. But can you make it quick? Tom: Lynette, please. You can't rush an artist. Lynette: Morning. Oh, sorry. I don't have time for breakfast. Tom: Good. I didn't make you any. Lynette: Oh, okay. Uh, coffee will be fine. Tom: Beans are right there. Grab a handful and grind. Lynette: Is there a problem? Tom: You don't remember? Last night, we were having sex? You fell asleep? Lynette: After? Tom: During. Lynette: Oh. Was it good? Tom: I didn't finish. God, you ruined our streak, Lynette. Lynette: I'm sorry. I was exhausted. Tom: It's not like I was asking you to scrub a floor. All you had to do was lie there, like you usually do. Lynette: Oh, okay. I'm gonna let that one go, 'cause you're upset. Tom: Well, it's true. With you being so tired from work lately, I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting. Lynette: Tom, you're being completely irrational. We've had sex 23 days straight. I've seen more ceiling than Michelangelo. Tom: We made a commitment, Lynette. The book says-Lynette: Oh, would you stop with the book? You bought it at a car wash along with a pack of gum and an air freshener. Tom: You're right. It's stupid. All my ideas are stupid. I should just stick to doing chores. Lynette: Don't just walk away. Tom: You better get to work, Lynette. You're gonna be late. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house - doorway] Dave: Hey. Haven't seen you boys in a while. Detective Collins: There's been a break in the club fire case, Mr. Williams. You got a minute? [Inside] Detective Collins: Do you know this guy? Dave: No. Who is he? Detective Collins: Dr. Samuel Heller, psychiatrist from Boston. He's the guy who burned up in the fire.
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Dave: What's a shrink from Boston doing in Fairview? Detective Lyons: No idea, but we'd like to find out If anyone knows him or what he was doing there. Did you see him backstage? Dave: No, I didn't see anybody. Detective Lyons: Except Porter Scavo. Dave: Yeah, but I told you. That was a mistake. Detective Lyons: Do you know a guy named Jackson Braddock? He was backstage. Dave: Was he? Detective Collins: Yeah, he got locked in the employee men's room right before the fire started. Dave: Well, I don't know about that. Have you talked to him? Detective Collins: We've been trying, but he left town, and we've been unable to find him. Dave: That's a shame. Detective Lyons: We'll figure it out. Thanks for your time. Dave: You bet. Dave: (on phone) Hey, Susan. It's Dave. You know, I was thinking I'd pick up you and M.J. around 6:00 a.m. Saturday for the trip. Yeah. I figured the earlier we get going, the better. Okay. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house - step] Bree: Well, hello there, M.J. I was baking this morning, and like an idiot, I made too many macaroons. Would you be willing to take one? I would hate to see them go to waste. M.J.: Macaroons are my favorite. Bree: Oh, really? What a delightful coincidence. You know, I could bake these for you every week, and all I'd need in return is just the tiniest of favors. M.J.: What kind of favor? Bree: Invite Evan Mayer to your sleepover. M.J.: I don't like Evan. He's mean. Bree: Oh, no. Deep down, he's just a fragile little boy who wants to be liked. M.J.: He hit me with a dead squirrel. Bree: Now, M.J., we can find faults with all our friends if we nitpick. What do you say? Will you invite him? Would you like some ice cream with your macaroons? Because I could make that happen. Orson: Bree? I'm late for my golf game. I don't have time to go to the A.T.M., so I took the cash out of your wallet. Bye. Bree: M.J., there's someone in my life who hits me with a dead squirrel every single day. And you are the only one who can help me. Please, please invite Evan to your party. M.J.: Okay. Bree: Thank you. Oh, thank you, sweetheart. M.J.: Boy, the stuff I do for macaroons. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - doorway] Susan: Go away! I-I don't want to talk to you. Jackson: Come on. Let me in. Susan: Thanks, but I've reached my maximum allowance for humiliation this week. Jackson: Listen, I'm sorry you thought it was a real proposal. In retrospect I should have let the deportation. Susan: Maximum allowance exceeded. [Inside]
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Susan: What do you want? Jackson: I wanted to apologize. You have every right to be mad at me. Susan: Oh, I'm not mad at you. You know, I'm just disappointed in myself. I was a little lonely and a little afraid and...I just did what I always do--let some silly romantic fantasy take over. Jackson: I didn't know you still felt that way about me. Susan: I don't. This isn't about you. Not really. And besides, you moved on. Jackson: Well, I had to. You pushed me away. I had to... heal my heart and get over it. Susan: This--I mean, this is really the only thing you can do to stay here and do your work? Jackson: Yeah. Susan: I'll help you. Jackson: Really? Susan: Yeah. I'll do it. But that's it. No love, no sex, just...marriage. Jackson: No sex? Susan: You want people to think this is a real marriage, don't you? -----------------------------------------------------------[Banquet hall] Carlos: Gaby, come on. For god sakes, will you take those off? It's 8:00 at night. Gabrielle: Oh, fine. As long as you don't mind people thinking you're out on the town with your anemic lesbian sister. Stephanie: There's our man of honor. Carlos: Gaby, this is Stephanie. She put this whole banquet together. Gabrielle: Hi. Nice to meet you. You're probably wondering why I look like this. Stephanie: Excuse me? Gabrielle: I'm not ill. I'm just not wearing any makeup so I can teach my daughter that beauty's what's on the inside. I don't actually look this hideous. Stephanie: Okay. Carlos: Will you please stop explaining yourself? I mean, it was bad enough when you did it with the valet. Gabrielle: I can't help it. I don't want people thinking I condone this face. Carlos: I'm gonna go find our table. Waiter: Champagne? Gabrielle: Oh, thank you. I'm not ill. I'm just not wearing any makeup. Carlos: Gaby! Gabrielle: Gotta go. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Mike: Come on, guys. No running in the house. M.J.: These candy apples are great. Can me and Evan have another one? Mike: Well, I better ask Katherine. Where is Katherine? Mike: Hey. You're missing all the fun. I just got a candied apple out of a kid's hair. Katherine: Sounds like you got everything under control. Mike: No, come on down. It's not as much fun without you. Katherine: Okay. You were honest with me, so I'm gonna be honest with you. I got scared. Mike: Of what? Katherine: I was hosting a party with this amazing man and his adorable son, and we were like the perfect family, and then I realized...we're not a family. It could all go away in an instant. Mike: Katherine, I'm not leaving.
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Katherine: But you're not committing either. Why not, Mike? Is it Susan? You still in love with her? Mike: No. No, I've told you that. Katherine: Then it must be me. Mike: Katherine, I love having you in my life. I'm just not ready. I don't know what else to say. Katherine: I'm not trying to get you to say anything. I just have to take care of myself. Mike: I should probably go make sure the first floor is still there. -----------------------------------------------------------[Banquet hall] Photographer: Excuse me. The mayor's about to leave, and the newspaper wants a photo with him and your family. Gabrielle: Oh, that's so sweet. Tell him no way in hell. Carlos: Tell him we'll be right there. Gabrielle: The newspaper? Forget it. Carlos: Gaby, I do business with the city. I cant just blow off the mayor. Gabrielle: Seriously, we cannot allow this photograph. Next time there's an epidemic, people are gonna think I'm patient zero. Carlos: You're not getting out of this. Gabrielle: Fine. But just so we're clear, you're also Latino jerk of the year. Carlos: Come on. Let's go. Gabrielle: Oh, can I at least use the bathroom first? [Ladies room] Gabrielle: Ladies! Attention, please. I am in a jam, and I need lipstick and eyeliner. Come on. Chop chop. Young woman: You can use my makeup. Gabrielle: Oh, that doesn't really go with my skin tone. Young woman: What do you mean? We have the same coloring. Gabrielle: Yeah, it doesn't really go with your skin tone either, but I can only deal with one disaster at a time. Ooh. Asian girl. Close enough. Asian girl: Um, I don't think so. Gabrielle: Ugh. Was it the "chop chop" thing? Fine. I'm sorry. Now can I borrow some blush? Asian girl: I don't share cosmetics. I'm sort of a germ freak. Gabrielle: Oh, don't worry. I'm as healthy as a horse. Asian girl: Really? You look sick. Gabrielle: That's 'cause I don't have any makeup! Asian girl: I said no. Now leave me alone. Gabrielle: Okay, okay, look. I'm sorry. You're right. I never should have asked. Asian girl: Oh. Oh! Hey! Come out now, or I'll call security! Gabrielle: You know, for a woman who has a purse full of dinner rolls, you sure have a lot of attitude. Photographer: Oh, good. We're all here. By the way, Mrs. Solis, you look absolutely stunning. Gabrielle: Thank you. Juanita: Yeah, mom. You look great. Photographer: Okay, big smiles, everyone. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: See this? My third espresso. I'm wired. No way I'm falling asleep tonight. Hey. How about we throw a pizza on the front lawn, and when the kids run out to get it, we lock the door and do it in every room in the
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house? Tom, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. If you wanna stay mad, I guess you're gonna stay mad. Tom: I am not mad, Lynette. Lynette: Then what's wrong? Tom: You're gonna think it's stupid. Lynette: Tell me. Tom: You want to know why sex has become so important to me lately? Because you are the only thing in my life that I'm passionate about. Lynette: That is so sweet. Tom: No. No, it's not good, Lynette--Not for me, not for you. I...I need something else to be excited about. Lynette: I thought you wanted to do this, to take a break and stay home. Tom: I did. You know, I figured, the kids are grown...I can take care of the house and the errands, and it'll be easy, and it is. It's too damn easy. I am finished with my work by noon, and then I just sit around, waiting for you to come home. Lynette: So...what do you want to do? Hmm? What are you passionate about? Tom: I don't know. I'm a middle-aged guy, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I told you it was stupid. Lynette: No. No. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Hey. I know I disappointed you tonight, and I'm really sorry. Juanita: It's okay. I know why you did it. I need makeup, too. Gabrielle: Honey, I know you think being pretty seems like the most important thing in the world right now, but believe me, it's not. Juanita: You were a model. Gabrielle: Yes, I was. And my whole life, people told me how pretty I was. So you know what? I never--thought I had to work hard in school or work on friendships or my personality--none of it. And then I stopped modeling, and I realized I didn't have much on the inside. And I don't want that for you. I want you to be brave and funny and creative...to be more than just a shell. I want you to have the whole rich, gooey center. Will you promise to do that for yourself? Juanita: Okay. When do I get to wear makeup? Gabrielle: I tell you what. You can wear makeup the day you realize you don't really need it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - doorway] Dave: Hey. I bought M.J. a fishing pole. I figure I'd teach the little guy how to cast before we hit the water. Susan: Oh, my god. We're not gonna be able to make it this weekend. I'm kind of...getting married. Dave: What? To who? Jackson: Dave Williams. I thought I heard you out here. Dave: Jackson. Jackson: Just when you thought I was out of the picture, I'm back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Karls office] Karl: Since you held up your end of the bargain, I'm going to hold up mine. I'm gonna make sure that you walk away from this marriage with your business and your assets intact. Now to accomplish this, I may need you to lie, stonewall, even resort to some outright trickery. My question is...will you be up for that? Bree: I used to think of myself as a good person. If I had a choice, I would always choose the high road. Lately I've begun to realize that, um...I'm capable of doing whatever needs to be done.
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Karl: You know what that makes you? The perfect client. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: On this street, the bargaining is finished by sundown...A daughter agrees to go to bed early if her mother lets her dress up in her old gowns...A woman agrees to let her fiance spend the night if he'll agree to sleep on the sofa...A man allows his lover to get close as long as they don't discuss the future. Yes, everyone knows how to bargain on Wisteria Lane... [Brees house - doorway Orson: Hi. Bree: What are you doing up so late? Orson: Well, I have a proposition for you. Ill make you breakfast in the morning if you make love to me tonight. Bree: Why not? Mary Alice Voiceover: but sometimes...they get more than they bargained for. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X22 Marry me a little -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Jackson: Hey, Dave, is that the bathroom? Dave: No. I think that's it there. Jackson: Oh, okay. Thanks. Mary Alice Voiceover: Dave tried to eliminate a witness to murder. But Jackson survived... Dave: I bought M.J. a fishing pole. Susan: We're not gonna be able to make it this weekend. I'm kind of getting married. Dave: What? Jackson: I thought I heard you out here. Dave: Jackson. Mary Alice Voiceover:forcing him to change his plans. Tom: I'm a middle-aged guy... Mary Alice Voiceover: Tom was searching. Tom:and I don't know what I wanna do with my life. Gabrielle: We're rich again! Hallelujah! Mary Alice Voiceover: Gaby's life returned to normal. Gabrielle: We're gonna be us again--the old Carlos and Gaby. Karl: I'm gonna make sure that you walk away from this marriage with your assets intact. Now to accomplish this... Mary Alice Voiceover: And Bree agreed to protect what she felt was hers. Bree: I'm capable of doing whatever needs to be done. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The lawyer arrived just after sundown. He checked to make sure no one was watching, then he hurried to the front door...where his client was waiting. As she poured him the Scotch he requested, the client began to wonder exactly how he planned to hide her assets from the husband she was divorcing.
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The lawyer suggested some creative accounting. His client agreed. He suggest a secret bank account. She agreed. He suggested a second set of books. She agreed. And then the lawyer looked deep into his client's eyes and made one final suggestion...that she was completely unprepared for. [Brees house] Bree: You want me to rob my own house? Karl: Not exactly. I was thinking we'd hire my friend Tony to do it. Bree: Absolutely not. I am all up for a little creative accounting and some secret bank accounts, but hiring some thug to stage a break-in? Karl: It's a community property state, babe. Orson's going to get half of everything, including your jewelry, your artwork, your antiques. Bree: Wouldn't it be easier to just have him killed? Karl: As your lawyer, I can't condone that. That said, I have a cousin--Bree: I was kidding! Karl: So was I. Loosen up, freckles. Bree: Well, I just never know with you. And don't call me "freckles." Karl: Look, if you're not comfortable with Tony, why don't we do the job ourselves? I bet you'd look hot in a ski mask. Bree: You are repugnant, and this conversation is over. Karl: Fine, but since I'm charging you for the full hour, let me make it worth your while. Sit down and close your eyes. Bree: What? No! Karl: Just humor me. Come on. Now I want you to picture Orson after the divorce. He owns half of your business, half of your assets. You see it? Bree: Go on. Karl: Now I want you to picture Orson dating some young bimbo. And don't kid yourself. He will get a bimbo. Now picture your favorite strand of pearls dangling in the 24-year-old cleavage of said bimbo while she is using your first edition Robert Frost as a coaster...and your 19th century French crystal vase as an ashtray. If you can live with that...I will leave. Mary Alice Voiceover: And with that, the client offered a suggestion of her own... Bree: We should probably break a window to make it look more real. Mary Alice Voiceover: and the lawyer agreed. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Masks-- you can find them in any home. Some are used once a year to scare the neighbors...Some are needed for the occasional chore. Some are applied every other Thursday. Then there's the kind of mask some men wear every day. It's a friendly smile designed to hide the most wicked of intentions. [Outside Susans house] Dave: Hey, M.J., is your mom home? M.J.: She's inside talking to Jackson. Dave: Really? So... What do you think of Jackson? M.J.: I like him. He buys me comic books. Dave: Yeah, he's a good guy. He was very brave that night during that fire at the nightclub. Does he ever talk about that fire...or anybody he saw that night? (M.J. shakes his head.)
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Have the police stopped by to ask him any questions? (M.J. shakes his head again.) Dave: If they do, would you let me know? M.J.: Why? Dave: Well...I wanna make sure they're being nice to our friend Jackson, 'cause he's such a good guy. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: It is such a stunning piece. It's simple and elegant. Don't you think? (Celia nods his head.) Gabrielle: I mean, I know it was expensive, but you can't put a price tag on beauty. Am I right? (Celia nods his head.) Gabrielle: So when daddy finds out how much I spent, would it be okay if I used you as a human shield? (Celia nods his head.) Gabrielle: You know, I should really get you tested. Juanita: Mom? Gabrielle: Did you have a fun playdate with Heather? Juanita: She's got a canopy bed. I want one. Gabrielle: We just bought you a bed. It's not even a year old. Juanita: I don't like it anymore. I wanna sleep under a canopy. Gabrielle: Then go move in with Heather, 'cause I'm not getting you one. Juanita: Why not? We're rich. Gabrielle: Who told you that? Juanita: I heard you telling Aunt Bree, since daddy got his new job, we're rolling in money. Gabrielle: Well, mommy shouldn't have said that. Just, when Aunt Bree started bragging about her Prada bag, mommy kind of lost it. Juanita: Whatever. I want a canopy, and you gotta get me one. Gabrielle: I don't have to get you anything. And stop acting like a spoiled brat. I am not spending a fortune on a bed you don't need. Juanita: Oh, but you can spend millions of dollars on a stupid vase? Gabrielle: That vase is not stupid. Juanita: Is that vase stupid? (Celia nods his head.) Gabrielle: Okay, you know what? This conversation is over. Go to your room! You, too, bobblehead. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Jackson: Okay, my clothes are in the closet. I'm going to put my toothbrush in the bathroom. Susan: Oh, just leave the toilet seat up, and the immigration people will totally think we're married. Jackson: Yeah, I don't know how I'm gonna thank you for doing this. Susan: Actually, I did think of one way you could repay me. Jackson: You got it. Susan: Uh, no. Not like that. No, I was thinking that after our quickie courthouse ceremony, you could buy me a cake. I love wedding cake. It's the one part of marriage that never lets you down. Jackson: Well, I can do you better than that. How about I throw us a big engagement party? Susan: What? Jackson: Well, we're not having a wedding, and we're gonna need pictures of something to put in our photo album as evidence.
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Susan: Okay. Yeah, I guess that could be fun. While our friends are toasting to our everlasting happiness, we can yell, "surprise! It's all a sham! Thanks for the crock-pot!" Jackson: No, no, no. We can't tell anybody this is a fake. The whole thing could blow up. Susan: Can't I at least tell the girls? Jackson: No way. I mean, they don't call her "gabby" for nothing. Susan: Ah, fake marriages--they're complicated. Jackson: I-I-I know I'm asking a lot, Susan. Susan: No, no. It's okay. I wanna do this. Truth is...I miss you, and the house has been kinda lonely since you left. Jackson: Well, I hear you loud and clear. Susan: Not that lonely. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Lynettes house] Lynette: What are you doing? Tom: Thinking. Lynette: Well, think inside. I made porkchops. Tom: Aren't you gonna ask me about my job interview? Lynette: Oh, right. How'd that go? Tom: Okay...until the 30-year-old who was interviewing me asked me if i'd ever used twittering as part of a marketing campaign. Lynette: And what'd you say? Tom: Nothing...because I don't know what "twittering" is. Lynette: It's a social networking tool where you send instant updates to anybody who signs up for them. Tom: So...you knew about this, and yet you kept it from me? Lynette: I didn't keep it from you. It's just one of those tech things that you don't care about. It's for young people. Tom: And I am a dinosaur marching into the tar pit. Lynette: I didn't say that. You're not gonna get a whole lot of sympathy from me. I just went through the same thing. Remember? Tom: Yeah, but you didn't tell me how bad it was. That's another thing you kept from me. 50 guys showed up for that one job, and I was 10 years older than every single one of 'em. I could hear 'em twittering as I left the room. Lynette: I think you mean "ttering." Sorry. Please, don't hit me. Tom: I heard a door slam shut today, Lynette. It's official. My time has passed. I am no longer relevant. Lynette: Oh, for god sakes, knock it off! I am not gonna let you feel sorry for yourself. You are Tom Scavo, damn it! Tom: And? Lynette: Sorry. I got nothing else. Come inside and eat your pork. -----------------------------------------------------------[Soup kitchen] Juanita: This place smells funny. I don't wanna be here. Gabrielle: Well, you should've thought about that before you started acting like such a diva. Now sit down. Father Crowley! Father Crowley: This is a surprise. What brings you tour soup kitchen? Gabrielle: Well, I want Juanita to work with the poor. I want to teach her to be grateful for how good she has it. Father Crowley: Oh, well, we can always use a hand. And four hands? Well, that's a blessing.
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Oh, me? No, no. Not me. I'm not really dressed for ladling, but, um, I could stand by the condiment bar and spritz people with my Chanel. Father Crowley: And you say Juanita is a little ungrateful? Gabrielle: Fran Schulman? Fran. It's Gabrielle Solis from the tennis club. Fran: Oh, of course. Gabrielle: Wow, it's been years! The last time I saw you was at that charity fashion show. Wasn't that fun? Fran: Yes. Yes, it was. Gabrielle: So what are you doing here? Are you volunteering? Fran: Not exactly. Gabrielle: Me either. My daughter's gotten so snooty, I am forcing her to spend time with the great unwashed. You wanna ditch this place for a cappuccino? Fran: Um, actually, I'm here to eat. Gabrielle: Hahaew -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Mike: It's Susan. Katherine: Great. We don't see enough of her. Mike: And she's not alone. Mike: Hey, Jackson. Long time no see. What's going on? Jackson: We sort of have an announcement. Susan: We're getting married. Katherine: Oh, my god! This is such great news! So...when's the date? Susan: Monday. Mike: W-- well, that's kind of sudden. Katherine: Well, when you know, you know. Why wait? Jackson: And we're having a little engagement party on Friday, and you're both invited. Katherine: A party? Count us in. I can't think of a better reason to... celebrate. Mike: Have you told M.J. yet? Susan: Yeah. He was on board when he found out there was cake. Mike: Okay. Just wanna make sure this isn't all happening too fast for him. You know kids. They need a little time to adjust. Katherine: Oh, kids are resilient. He'll be fine. I'm so excited! Susan: Well, uh, we wanted you two to be the first to know, and we should probably get going. Got a few more neighbors to shock. Katherine: Oh, well, we are just so happy for you. Mike: Yeah. Congratulations. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Evelyn: Now if we're going with the damask for the settee, then I strongly suggest that we do the couch in the chenille. Carlos: The only word I understood there was "couch." Gabrielle: I'll explain it to him later. Evelyn: Good, because they're only going to hold this fabric for a couple of days. Well, I am off. Isn't that vase divine? I am so glad you like it. Carlos: I thought we were just trying out the vase. Gabrielle: I'll explain it to him later.
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Evelyn: Okay. Gabrielle: Thank you. Gabrielle: Can you believe this? Seven years ago, Evelyn did Fran's house. Now? Nohouse. Carlos: That's crazy. You ask Fran what happened? Gabrielle: No! I didn't want to embarrass her. Carlos: You met her in line for free soup. How much more embarrassed could she get? Gabrielle: Remember that dinner party she gave? She had 20 place settings of Tiffany china. How does this happen to someone who has Tiffany china? Carlos: This is $200 a yard. Tell Fran to save us a place in line. Gabrielle: I bet I know what happened. She drank it away. That one new year's eve where she got so plowed she fell in the koi pond... Carlos: Where she landed on you, drunky Sue. Everybody was hammered at that party. Gabrielle: Well, then it must've been a gambling problem. Carlos: Based on what? Gabrielle: She never missed bingo night at Immaculate Heart... and she was Lutheran. Carlos: You really think she bingo'ed her house away? Gabrielle: Uh, I don't know. There has to be some reason. You don't fall that far that fast without making some really stupid choices. Carlos: Why you gettin' so angry? Gabrielle: It was Tiffany china, Carlos. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Dave: There's the man that ruined my fishing trip. Jackson: Sorry about that, Dave. Dave: Oh, no worries. Hey, I am so happy for you and Susan. Congratulations. Jackson: Thanks. Dave: So how have you been? We haven't had a chance to talk since...I don't know, probably the fire. Jackson: Uh, yeah. You were the big hero. I was the doofus that got stuck in the men's room. Orson: Oh, that was a hell of a night. Sure would like to forget that. Jackson: Yeah, me, too. Unfortunately, I have to go down and talk to the cops on Tuesday. Dave: Really? Jackson: Yeah. I went down to city hall to get my marriage certificate, and I ran into one of the detectives from that night, and apparently, they've been trying to get in touch with me. So now I get to go down there the day after my wedding. Some honeymoon, huh? Dave: Those guys really know how to put a crimp in your day. So did they say what they wanted to talk to you about? Jackson: I guess they just wanna know if I saw anything suspicious. Orson: Did you? Jackson: Mm, no. I mean, I was backstage. I was headed to the men's room, and I ran into-Dave: I am so sorry. Jackson: Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. I mean, there's gotta be a mop around here somewhere. Dave: That's not coming out. Orson: Oh, Bree can get rid of that in a jiffy. Now where did she go? -----------------------------------------------------------[Outsides house]
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Karl: Okay. Showtime. Bree: Wipe your feet first. I just had the carpets cleaned. Just because we're thieves doesn't mean we need to be untidy. [Inside] Karl: Are we stealing this? Bree: Uh, yes. As I recall, it's quite valuable. Karl: What about this? Bree: Oh, god, no. That's Orson's dental innovator of the year award. I've always hated that thing. Oh, here. Karl: What are you doing? Bree: I, uh, took some of my silver off the mantle, and it threw off the balance. Karl: Yeah. You're right. Let me help. There. Balance restored. Bree: Was that necessary? Karl: This place has to look like it was ransacked by robbers, not someone's personal shopper. Bree: Fine! But do you have to do it with such relish? Karl: Hey, you're not paying me to just go through the motions. Speaking of which...are you nailing Orson like we discussed? Bree: That is none of your business. Karl: Well, we have to make sure he doesn't suspect anything. Bree: I do the bare minimum. No more, no less. Karl: So is he just missionary? He seems like a strictly missionary kind of guy. Bree: Must you be so crude? Karl: Must you always be such a priss? You freak out at the mention of sex. You never want to make a mess. You suppress every spontaneous urge you ever have! Man, it must be exhausting being you! Bree: Yes, being a lady takes effort. Karl: Well, maybe give it a rest once in a while. It might surprise you how good it feels. Bree: You wanna be a Neanderthal, Karl? That's your choice. I prefer to behave with class and dignity. Now may we please finish robbing my home? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Tom: Bill brown! It's Tom Scavo. Bill: Tom! Oh, my god! Tom: What are you doing here? Bill: Well, Jackson and I are in the same soccer league. Tom: Lynette, this is Bill Brown. We were roommates freshmen year in college. Lynette: Really? Tom: Yeah! God, you look fantastic. You haven't aged a day. Bill: Hey, right back at ya. Tom: Liar. You didn't even recognize me. Lynette: Back up a second. You guys were classmates? Tom: Yeah. Lynette: Meaning you were in the same class at the same time? Tom: That's what classmates means, Lynette. We're the same age. Bill: Actually, I think I'm six months older. Lynette: You're older? I'm sorry, I just cannot believe...that they're out of stuffed mushrooms. Excuse me. Tom: Okay, my wife's annoying, but she is right. What's your secret? What is it? Diet? Exercise? You eatin' a
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bowl of stem cells every morning? Come on. What's going on, Peter Pan? Bill: Okay... you really wanna know? Katherine: Hi. This is for you and Jackson. Congratulations! Susan: Aw, how sweet. And heavy. Score. Mike: Yeah, well, we can afford to be generous now that I'm off the hook for alimony. Susan: Yeah. What? Mike: You're getting remarried. So I can stop sending that check every month. Everybody gets a gift. Susan: Right! Score for you! Susan: Uh, can I talk to you for a sec? Jackson: Yeah? Bree: Oh, thank you. Jackson: You get alimony? I thought you were too proud take alimony. Susan: I was too proud to admit it. I'm not too proud to take it. I need that money, Jackson. Jackson: Well, I-I can try to chip in. Susan: "Chip in"? It's is not a birthday cake for Shirley in accounting. It's mortgage and food and insurance. I'm sorry, but I can't marry you. Jackson: No, Susan, they'll send me back. Susan: It's Canada, not Iran. It's like America with free health insurance. Okay, I know this is important to you, but I depend on that check every month. Jackson: And I know you do. I just can't believe that I finally found a job that I love, And now I just gotta give it up. Susan: Well, look, maybe...I could talk to Mike. I could see if we could work something out. Jackson: You'd do that? Susan: Yeah, I'll try. Don't think he's not gonna want his gift back. And it's really heavy, too. [On the way to Lynettes house] Tom: So...you thought my friend Bill looked pretty fantastic, huh? Lynette: Okay, I went a little overboard. You know me-- two margaritas, and I need a muzzle. Tom: No, I completely agree with you. He looks really young. Lynette: I know, right? He must take care of himself. Tom: Actually, he told me his secret, and I'm thinking of doing the same thing. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: No, you're not having plastic surgery. Tom: It's my face. Lynette: Uh, we live in a community property state, so half that face is mine. Tom: Fine, you know what? You get the half below the nose. But these wrinkles up here? All going away. Lynette: Tom, men don't need plastic surgery. They look better as they age. Tom: Really? Because you couldn't stop talking about how great Bill looked. "You guys were classmates? You mean the same class at the same time?" Lynette: Okay, that's a lousy impression of me. Tom: Look, Bill said it really gave him a leg up in job interviews, and I could use that right now. Lynette: You don't need a face-lift. What if I went out and got a boob job and came home with big, giant sideshow boobs? How would you like that?
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Tom: I'd learn to live with it somehow. Lynette: You're not doing this. We can't afford it! Tom: It's an investment in our future. We can't afford not to. I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment. If you want, I can also get a price check on a pair of Lynette: I'm not getting a boob job. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: Why don't I make you a nice cup of Earl Grey...Oh, dear god. Bree: Orson, we've been robbed! Orson: It wasn't me, I swear. -----------------------------------------------------------[Soup kitchen] Homeless old man: No cuts! Back of the line. Gabrielle: Oh, relax. I already ate dinner at home...in my box under the bridge. Fran? Oh, god. I was afraid I wouldn't find you here. Fran: Ah, lucky you, I'm still poor. Gabrielle: I feel bad I ducked out so fast the other day. And I've been thinking about you a lot, and I just-- I really wanna help. Fran: Thank you. Thank you! Gabrielle: Now...I just wanna make sure that you're not gonna...you know... Fran: Drinking was never my problem, Gaby. Gabrielle: I didn't think so. You were always so classy. 20,40,60... Was it drugs? Fran: No. I never did drugs. Gabrielle: Good to know. Because gambling is bad enough without being high. Fran: I never gambled a day in my life, Gaby. Gabrielle: Well, then what the hell happened? This doesn't make sense. I was at your house. You had such lovely things. Fran: Yes, Mark and I lived really well. Probably a little...too well. But we were young, and we thought we had time to save for the future. Then he died. Gabrielle: Mark died? I didn't know. Fran: He was sick a really long time. He couldn't work. He lost his insurance. By the time he passed away, we were completely wiped out. Gabrielle: Oh, Fran, I'm so sorry. You didn't have any family to turn to? Any friends? Fran: No family, and as it turns out, not too many friends either. Look, Gaby, know you came here wanting to find out what Gabrielle: I did to make this all happen. But the truth is, we're all just an accident or a tumor or a bad investment away from...standing in line for free soup. Thank you. Gabrielle: I don't agree, Fran. You know, Carlos went blind for five years. We went broke. We almost lost our house. But we worked our asses off and we made it back. Fran: Oh, so just because you survived that, you think you've crossed some kind of finish line, that nothing bad can happen again? Gabrielle: Well, no, but-Fran: Listen. I hope it works out for you. I hope you never lose that big, beautiful home of yours. God knows I wish I'd appreciated mine more while I had it. Thank you again. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Mike: Remind me again when you're getting your teeth cleaned.
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Katherine: The 14th. Mike: And the 15th, we have tickets to that play that you're dragging me to. Katherine: Yes. Why? Mike: I'm just-- I'm trying to figure out when would be a good time to get married. Katherine: I'm sorry. What did you just... Mike: I know, I know. Not the most romantic proposal in the world. I shouldn't have led with the teeth cleaning. Katherine: I feel I can overlook that. Mike: So is that a yes? Katherine: Yes! It's a yes! What brought this on? Mike: It just seemed like the right time. Katherine: Oh, Mike. I'm so happy. Mike: I love you. Katherine: I love you, too. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: I understand taking things, but why smash something you're gonna leave behind? Bree: They're robbers, dear. Not personal shoppers. Orson: Yeah, well, whoever did this should be shot. Bree: Well, I wonder if the victims of your kleptomania felt the same way. Orson: You know what? You're absolutely right. I never realized what my stealing put people through. Maybe this is karma. Bree: What is that? Orson: It's a picture of the mask they stole. I drew it from memory. Bree: Wow. Orson: Remember where we got it? Bree: Was it Florence? Orson: Venice. We walked past that little shop under the bridge, and you saw it in the window. Bree: Oh, that's right. Orson: You told me you'd been wearing a mask all your life, but with me, you felt-Bree: Like I could finally take it off and be myself. Orson: Yeah. Anyway, I faxed it to the shop in Venice. They said they could make a new one. I should have it for you in about a month. Bree: I can't believe you went to all that trouble. Orson: Then you must not know how much you mean to me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: (on phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Dave. No, of course not. What's on your mind? Dave: (on phone) Well, I figured it was time to get back to work, so I put together a speaking tour--Seattle, Portland, my usual route. Katherine: (on phone) Work? Are you sure it's not too soon? Dave: (on phone) Well, I have to do it eventually. Anyway, I was hoping you could check in on the house now and then. Katherine: (on phone) Of course. Oh, someone's at my door. Let me get rid of them. Susan: Hey, Katherine, is Mike here? Katherine: No, he's at work. Susan: Oh, shoot. Well, can you tell him to call me as soon as he gets back?
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Katherine: Sure. Is everything okay? Susan: Uh, well...okay, you know what? Mike's probably gonna tell you anyway, so just don't tell anyone else, okay? Katherine: There's not a problem with the wedding, is there? It's still on, right? Susan: It depends. Jackson and I are only getting married because he needs his green card. Katherine: Aw. Susan: And then I realized that I would lose my alimony. So unless Mike will keep paying me, I can't get married. Katherine: You have to. I mean, poor Jackson. I-I would hate to see him deported back to...Where's he from? Susan: Canada. Katherine: We can't have that! If you want, I could talk to Mike for you. Susan: That would be great. Just tell him I need an answer quickly 'cause the wedding is Monday. Katherine: Well, don't cancel anything yet. You'll have your answer tonight. Susan: Thanks. Katherine: (on phone) Sorry, Dave. Dave? -----------------------------------------------------------[Company] Eric: Hey, Lynette. How's it going? Lynette: Oh, my husband wants to spend money we don't have on a face-lift he doesn't need, so...not great. Eric: Mm, tell him to be careful. Have you seen Bruce in payroll? He just went in for a little nip and tuck. Lynette: And? How's he look? Eric: Like he's standing in a wind tunnel. Lynette: Really? Poor Bruce. Eric: Yep. Lynette: What's his extension? -----------------------------------------------------------[Karls office] Bree: And I'm thinking I may have acted rashly. I mean, every marriage has its rough patches. Orson loves me, and deep down, he's a good man. If I stick with this, maybe we can make it work. Are you even listening to me? Karl: Don't need to. Heard it all before. Bree: Oh, really? Karl: I've been doing this 20 years. And trust me, every woman gets cold feet. "Am I making a mistake?" "Was he really that bad?" "Maybe I could try harder. And I'm gonna tell you what I tell them--you're not making a mistake. He really is that bad. And no matter how hard you try, he's still gonna be the same jerk Who sent you into this office in the first place. Bree: So I'm just like everyone else, and you know everything I'm going to say. Karl: Yep. I even know the stuff you're not going to say. Bree: I doubt that. Karl: Let me give it a shot. You've been thinking, "What happens if I walk away from Orson and everything I invested in this relationship?" "Will I ever find another man?" Will you spend the rest of your life alone? Close? Bree: In the ballpark. Karl: Well, you listen to me. You've got nothing to worry about. You're a beautiful, elegant, classy woman, and there's no way you're gonna end up alone. Bree: And do you say that to every woman, too?
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Karl: No. I mean, I get some real uggos in here. You know, the kind that are gonna die alone and get eaten by their cats. Bree: Charming. Karl: So are we back in business? Bree: Send me the papers when they're ready. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Lynette: Honey, I'm glad you're home. I brought someone home from work I want you to meet. Tom: Ur Lynette: Yeah. It turns out he got the same procedure that you're thinking about getting. So I thought maybe you could chat him up about it. Tom: So you're finally on board with this? Lynette: Well, like you said, it's your face. Come on, I'm dying for you to meet Bruce. Lynette: Bruce, I want you to meet my husband Tom. Tom, this is Bruce. Bruce: Hi, Tom. So, um, Lynette tells me you're thinking about having a little elective surgery. Tom: Did she? Bruce: Now you may not be able to tell, but I've had work done. Tom: Really? Have they finished? Bruce: Yeah. Now I should warn you that, uh...after they operate, it looks a little weird. Tom: Oh, I was wondering about that. Yeah. Bruce: But eventually it settles, like this. Lynette: Isn't it exciting, Tom? In a few weeks, you are gonna look just like Bruce. Bruce: Hey, if you want, I'll give you the name of my surgeon. Tom: Yes. I definitely want the name of the guy who did that. Lynette, um, Bruce looks like he could use something to drink, and I know that I sure could - could you excuse us for a sec? Tom: Very clever, Lynetteinviting the joker over to scare me. Lynette: I wanted you to see the face they don't put in the brochure. Tom: I will be having my work done by a reputable surgeon. Bruce looks like his was done by a bear. Lynette: That's my point. You don't know how these things will turn out. Tom: Well, I am willing to take that risk. I'm doing it. Lynette: Why are you being so stubborn? Tom: Why do you care so much? Lynette: Because I don't want to have plastic surgery. Tom: What? Lynette: Tom, if you're unsatisfied with your looks, someday you're gonna be unsatisfied with mine. Tom: No. No. Lynette: Yes. You are going to look at me someday with your brand-new face and say, "When did she get so old?" We won't look like we belong together anymore. Tom: Lynette, I'm just talking about gettin' rid of a few wrinkles. Lynette: But I don't see your wrinkles, Ttom. I see our whole life together. This...is you worrying about how you're going to provide for us. This is Penny falling out of the tree house and breaking her arm. This is my cancer. These are the millions of laughs that got us through all those tough times. It's like a map of our marriage, and I don't want to lose it. Tom: And it if keeps me from getting a job?
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Lynette: You're gonna get a job, and it'll be because they're impressed by your experience, not your wrinkle-free face. Tom: I know exactly what you mean. And I love your face, too. And this wrinkle here, that's when-Lynette: This isn't about me, Tom. Come on. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house] Susan: Good news. Looks like we're getting fake married after all. Jackson: Really? Susan: Yeah. Mike agreed to keep paying me alimony. He just sent me a text. Jackson: Oh, man. That's a relief. Susan: And unbelievably generous. I'm gonna send him a thank-you right now. Text message: Mike, thank you thank you thank you...so much!! Katherine: You're welcome. -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house - Monday] Jackson: You know, I really can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this for me, Susan. And I promise, as long as I'm here, I'll pitch in around the house, run errands. You know, just like a real husband. Susan: Clearly, you've never been married before. Jackson: Well, you know, just because this is, um...A fake marriage, doesn't mean it can't be wonderful. Susan: Well, I've been in some real marriages that weren't, so...maybe you're right. [Outside] Jackson: Oh, look. Cans. Katherine: You can't have a wedding without cans and signage! Susan: Sweet! Let's get to the car wash on our way to the courthouse. Immigration agent: Jackson Braddock? Jackson: Yes? Immigration agent: We're with immigration. You're in the country on an expired visa. You're gonna have to come with us. Susan: Oh, no, no, no. You--you can't take him now. Immigration agent: Ma'am, I need you to step back. Jackson: Susan, there's a business card on the dresser with an attorney's number. Would you call him for me, please? Susan: Please, can't this wait? We're about to get married. Immigration agent: Not today you're not. Mike: What's going on? Who are these guys? Katherine: Immigration agents, and I think they're...sending Jackson back to Canada. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Orson: (on phone) Hello? Sheila: (on phone) May I speak with, uh, Bree Van de Kamp? Orson: (on phone) Oh, she's not in at the moment. Can I take a message? Sheila: (on phone) Uh, yeah, this is Sheila with Weston Brothers Storage. It's about the storage unit she just rented. Orson: (on phone) Storage unit? Sheila: (on phone) Uh, yeah, we overcharged her on the deposit. Tell her not to worry. We're gonna deduct it from her next bill.
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Orson: (on phone) Okay. Uh, thank you. Sheila: (on phone) You're welcome. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Everyone wears some kind of mask, so you must look closely to find the truth that lies beneath. Some conceal anxiety about growing older. Some hide fears of financial ruin. Others cover up a love that continues to linger. And then there are those who let their masks slip. If you look into their eyes, you'll see who they really are...and exactly what they're capable of. ~The End~
Desperate Housewives 5X23 Everybody says dont (1) -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives Susan: We're getting married. Mary Alice Voiceover: One proposal led to another. Immigration agent: We're with immigration. Mary Alice Voiceover: But the law get in the way. Susan: Can't this wait? We're about to get marry. Immigration agent: Not today, you're not. Mary Alice Voiceover: A break-in was staged... Bree: Orson, we've been robbed. Mary Alice Voiceover:in an attempt to hide assets in a divorce. Susan: After the crash... Mary Alice Voiceover:and the truth about the accident came out Susan: Mike told 'em that he was driving, but it wasn't true. -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: The thing you have to understand about Dave Williams is he wanted to be forgiven. That's why he made the videotape. Dave: (on video) I didn't want to kill M.J. Delfino. I had to. Susan Mayer killed my wife and daughter. The police called it... an accident. But I don't believe a person who takes two precious lives should be allowed to just...walk away. I know some people will wonder, why didn't I just kill Susan? But what good would that have done? She'd be dead. There'd be no...suffering. And to those who hate me because I took the life...of an innocent young boy, I say...aw, crap. Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Dave Williams wanted everyone to forgive him... M.J.: Look, I got a new tackle box for our trip on Saturday. Mary Alice Voiceover: but not until he finished doing...the unforgivable. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: After the White Horse Nightclub was destroyed by a suspicious fire, one body was left unclaimed. The detectives on this case referred to him as..."John Doe a-37." For months, they tried to identify him. Then one day, they got a call from an impound lot. It seems a car had been towed from the club parking lot the night of the fire--a sedan that had been rented...to a Dr. Samuel Heller from Boston, who had been
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reported missing four months earlier. The doctor's dental records confirmed their theory. His receptionist, however, did not. [Boston - Dr. Hellers clinic] Claire: No way. Dr. Heller did not die in that fire. Detective Collins: Ma'am, we've got his dental records. Claire: I don't care. You said the fire was four months go? Well, I've gotten texts from him since then. Detective Collins: You have? Claire: Yeah. The last one was just a few weeks ago. Detective Lyons: Maybe we should send a text back. Detective Collins: Ma'am, you have your phone with you? -----------------------------------------------------------[Susans house doorway] Susan: Hey, Dave. I was gonna call you. Dave: You were? Susan: Yeah, um. Did you say something to M.J. about going on that fishing trip? Dave: Yeah, I did. I know how depress you were since Jackson was deported so I thought, now is the perfect time for the three of us to go up to the lake. And...I got M.J. his own little life vest. Susan: I wish I could, but I can't. I'm worried about Jackson. Dave: All the more reasons you know what they say about fishing--It's nature's tranquilizer. Susan: Dave, I haven't heard Jackson since he was taken away and I just wanna be here in case he calls. Dave: Yeah, well, that's okay. Just bring your cell phone. Susan: I'd just feel more comfortable if I'm close by. Dave: Oh, that's crazy. I mean, Jackson wouldn't want you sittin' around here worrying about him. Susan: I'm sorry. We'll go fishing another time. Dave: Don't you think you're being a little selfish here? I mean, what about M.J.? You wanna go fishing, don't you, buddy? M.J.: Yeah! Dave: Yeah. Susan: What are you doing? I just told you I can't go. Dave: I'm just thinking about M.J. Susan: He'll be fine. Dave: You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. It's just a trip. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Preston: You're not listening! Six months in Europe would be educational. Lynette: You know what would be more educational? You going to college like we talked about. Preston: Mom, I've already been in school for 12 years already. I...I need a vacation. Lynette: Well, it seems like, based on your last visa records you've already been on vacation. Preston: I'm gonna be 18. If I wanna go to Europe, I'll go to Europe. Lynette: Oh? Well, good luck paying for it, because if you so much as apply for a passport, we're cuttin' you off. Preston: Cut off from the mighty Scavo family fortune. Oh, no. Lynette: Tom, why didn't you help me out there? Tom: Because I agree with him. Lynette: What? Tom: Well, he's young. He should be having fun. I mean, look--look at me. I'm a middle-aged man reading the
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want ads for jobs that I'll never get. I should've gone to Europe when I had the chance. Lynette: Hey, focus. Our son is throwing his life away. We have got to keep him on track. Tom: What is so great about the track? I was on it. I did everything I was supposed to. It chewed me up and spit me out. Lynette: I know you're discouraged, but... letting our son make a huge mistake is not gonna help anything. Tom: Even if it is a huge mistake, you got to let people make some decisions about their own life. Your way is not the only way. Lynette: I am just trying to help Preston avoid the way marked "unemployable loser." Tom: Fine. What do you want me to do? Lynette: I want you to get this stupid Europe idea out of his head. Take him on a tour of the campus. Get him excited. Show him college could be fun. Tom: Sure. And on the way home, Ill show my college diploma to the guy at the burger barn. Yeah. They're hiring a new fry cook for the night shift. Lynette: If you're really stopping by there, bring home some onion rings. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Juanita: Mommy, what are you doing? Gabrielle: We're going to a family reunion at Aunt Connie' and I want to look my best. Juanita: Is it gonna be fun? Gabrielle: Well, if your idea of a good time is sitting on rusty lawn chairs in the driveway eating lard in the shape of chicken, Then yeah! It's gonna be a blast. Juanita: The driveway? Gabrielle: Honey, you're 6 now, so I think it's time we had a little mother/daughter talk. Your father's side of the family's trash. Any questions? Juanita: If you don't like her, why are you putting on your best jewelry? Gabrielle: 'Cause thats what grown-ups do, sweetie. When we don't like someone, we don't punch them or say mean things. We just find subtle ways to make them feel bad about their lives. Ooh, like these earrings, Aunt Connie can't afford them, and that'll make her sad. And this will bring her to her knees. And this will be a kick in her throat. Juanita: If you hate 'em so much, maybe we shouldn't go. Gabrielle: Oh, no, sweetie. We have to go. They're family. -----------------------------------------------------------[Weston Brothers Storage] Bree: See, this is why I wanted to check on my things. You don't leave a valuable painting on the damn floor. You need to put something underneath it. Karl: Fine. How about this ugly doormat? Bree: That is not a doormat. That is a handwoven Kurdish Kazak rug. Karl: You know, Bree, when I hang out with you, I realize how little I know and how much I don't give a crap. Bree: Give me that. I'm so glad this divorce is almost over. An obnoxious, unpleasant man will be out of my life, and so will Orson. Karl: Hey, it's not over yet. You still got a couple of hurdles. Has Orson brought up the insurance claim again? Bree: No, he thinks I filed it. Karl: Great. When he realizes you never did, you'll be divorced, he'll be broke, and it won't matter. Bree: Yes, and I'll be single again, and I can concentrate on my business, maybe do some traveling. Karl: Maybe spend a little time at the intersection of right leg and left leg, If you know what I'm saying. Bree: Sadly, Karl, I always know what you are saying.
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Karl: You know, you want, I could set you up. I know a lot of great guys who are good for a free dinner. And a few laughs, huh? Bree: Thanks, Karl. I'm not even divorced yet, and once I am, I don't think you'd be my first choice as a matchmaker. Karl: Oh, shoot. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susans house] Susan: (on phone) Hello? Jackson: (on phone) Hey, Susan, it's me. Susan: (on phone) Jackson, I have been so worried. Where--where are you? Jackson: (on phone) Fairview Jail. They're processing my deportation papers. Susan: (on phone) So they're sending you back? When? Jackson: (on phone) Couple days. I just wanted to call and say thank you and...tell you that I'll miss you. Susan: (on phone) Well...I'll miss you, too. I mean, you came in my life when I was going through a really hard time, and you were amazing. I mean, you are amazing. Jackson: (on phone) You, too. Susan: (on phone) Sodid the immigration people tell you how they found out about you? Jackson: (on phone) Anonymous tip. Although it's pretty obvious who "anonymous" is. Does Mike really think I'm that stupid? Susan: (on phone) Mike? You think Mike did this? Jackson: (on phone) Who else? Mike and Katherine were the only people who knew. Katherine was doing cartwheels about us getting married. Susan: (on phone) Yeah, but, no, this doesn't make any sense because Mike knew that it wasn't for real. Jackson: (on phone) Well, real or not, he had the look of a guy who's not ready to give you up, so Guard: Time's up. Jackson: (on phone) Uh, I-I gotta go. I'll try and call you again before I leave. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: Sweetie! Lynette: Hey, hey, how was the campus tour? Tom: Fantastic. Lynette: Oh! Tom: Oh, my god. That school is amazing. Lynette: Oh. Tom: The professors are so engaged, and the kids were open and friendly. Lynette: Really? Tom: Yeah. It was inspiring. You were so right to send us. Lynette: Good. Good. I knew if you saw the campus, you'd have a change of heart. Preston: Me? Nah. I'm still going to Europe. Lynette: What was that? I thought you said the tour was fantastic. Tom: Okay, so Preston still needs a little convincing. But I don't. I'm going back to school. Lynette: Wh-what's that now? Tom: Okay. I know it's a little out of left field, but walking across the quad, I felt so alive. I spoke with someone in admissions, and all I have to do is pass an entrance exam. Lynette: So...you would be a college student... again. Tom: Uh-huh.
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Lynette: 25 years after the first time. Tom: But this time--focused. This time, knowing exactly what I wanna major in. Lynette: Which is? Tom: Chinese. Lynette: Chinese? [Later] All three housewives except Lynette: Chinese? Gabrielle: As in "moo goo gai pan" Chinese? Susan: What's he gonna do with that, watch Bruce Lee movies without the subtitles? Lynette: Uh. We didn't get that far. I felt faint, and he left to go buy a backpack. Bree: Ooh. Lynette, that's bad. Lynette: Well, it's just so random, and the worst part is if I point that out, I'm a bitch. Susan: Why is that? When did being practical and realistic become synonymous with bitchiness? Gabrielle: The first time a man did something stupid, and a woman pointed it out. Lynette: I know Tom. He's going to learn how to count to ten in Chinese then he'll get bored and move on to his new dream of becoming a beekeeper. Gabrielle: Well, then you have no choice. Bite the bullet and be bitch. Bree: No, she has a choice. It's entirely possible to get what you want without being perceived of as a nagging shrew. Lynette: Please, sensei, instruct me in your ancient ways. Bree: Well, the key is to not let them know what you're doing. This requires observation, cunning and manipulation. Gabrielle: Isn't it just easier to shut down your hoo-ha until he gives in? Susan: I think that Bree is right--That the more Tom sees you digging in your heels, the more he's gonna wanna do it. Bree: So you wait for an opportunity that you can use to your advantage while at the same time appearing supportive. Lynette: That's your advice hope an opportunity just drops in my lap? Might as well start shopping for beekeeper suits. Susan: Oh, you guys, I'm sorry. I gotta run. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house - doorway] Susan: Hey. I need to talk to Mike. Katherine: Oh, he's in the shower, but I'll tell him you stopped by. Susan: Oh, no need, I will wait. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house - doorway] Bree: Orson, I'm home. Orson: Have a seat. So there never was a robbery. You took these things, hoping to hide them from me. And though I've tried to come up with a reason, I can't. So I'm forced to ask the question why. Why would you do such a thing? Bree: I want a divorce. Orson: I'm sorry. I don't understand. Bree: My lawyer says you're entitled to half of everything we've acquired during the marriage, so I was trying to hide some of those things, since--let's face it-- I paid for them. Orson: You've already hired a lawyer?
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Bree: Yes, but I'm tired of all the lying and the sneaking around, so I will inform him you can have whatever you like. Orson: I don't want a divorce. Bree: Well, that part's non-negotiable. Orson: Can't we at least talk about this? Bree: There's no point. So you should get a piece of paper, start to make a list of what it is you wish to take with you. Orson: So... you don't want any of it? Bree: No. all I want is out. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherines house] Katherine: You know, he might be a while. Sure I can't help you? Susan: No, I need to talk to Mike. Now you could flush the toilet and try to get him out there. Katherine: You seem upset. Something happened? Susan: Did mike turn Jackson in to immigration? Katherine: No. Why would he do that? Susan: I don't know. Jealousy? Jackson thinks mike is still hung up on me. Katherine: Trust me, Susan. Mike did not turn Jackson in. Susan: Mm. Shower's off. I guess we'll know in a few seconds. Katherine: Listen...Mike couldn't have called immigration because I never told him that Jackson was marrying you for a green card. Susan: Well, somebody did, because he sent me a text agreeing to keep paying me alimony. Katherine: That was me. I sent it. Susan: Are you insane? Why would you do something-Katherine: Mike has asked me to marry him. Susan: What? Katherine: And I was afraid that if he found out that you weren't really in love with Jackson, that he might change his mind about me. Susan: Okay, Katherine, that is...it's totally unfair to Mike. I mean, he needs to know the truth. Katherine: I can make him happy, Susan. He just needs to get over you. Mike: Katherine? Katherine: Please, don't ruin this. Mike: Hey, you wanna just order in? Oh, hey, Susan. Um...I'm glad you're here. Um, I have something I wanna tell you. Susan: Um, yeah. I...Katherine already told me about your big news. Mike: Oh. Ok. Well, hope we have your blessing. Susan: Yes, sure. Why not? Mike: I'm sorry, Susan. I was gonna tell you myself. Susan: Well, don't be mad at Katherine. We all know that she just can't... keep a secret. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Aunt Connie's house] Gabrielle: Wow, this place is looking worse than ever. Carlos: Yeah, Kinda Aunt Connie's Salons haven't been doing so well. Maybe you should take off some of those diamonds. You walk in there like that, you're gonna make her feel bad about herself. Gabrielle: Say no more. Carlos: You know, Aunt Connie's like a second mother to me. Why do you hate her so much?
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Gabrielle: Because all she ever does is put me down. If you'd pay attention, you'd see what I'm talking about. Aunt Connie: Oh! There's my Carlos! Are these the girls? No! They're so grown up! And, Gaby...Is it just me, or do you get more beautiful every time I see you? Gabrielle: No, it's not just you. Aunt Connie: Come here. Give me a hug. Gabrielle: Let me see your palms. Carlos: Gaby. Gabrielle: Fine. Ok. Aunt Connie: Now come on in! The whole family's here. And I've mad some of my world-famous tamales. Juanita: Aunt Connie seems nice. Maybe she's changed. Gabrielle: Trash don't change, sweetheart. She's up to something. Now come on, let's go grab a lawn chair before we get stuck on the grass with the fire ants. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Phone machine: Tom Scavo, this is Mr. Cummings. We met during your tour of the campus. Forgive me, but I gave you the wrong date for the admissions test. It's tomorrow at 8 a.m. So get a good night's sleep, and we'll see you first thing in the morning. Tom: Help! Help! Help! Help! Oh! Lynette: Coming. I'm coming. Tom: It goes...there. Lynette: So I was thinking this whole going back to school thing deserves a little celebration. Tom: Really? I didn't think you were on board. Lynette: I wanna be supportive. Let's go for a nice dinner, get a bottle of wine...maybe two, since we don't have to wake up early tomorrow. Tom: Or we can go to that Mexican place that has those great margaritas. Lynette: Oh, Tom. You and tequila? What a great idea. -----------------------------------------------------------[Aunt Connie's house - yard] Carlos female relative #1: Okay, everybody, I need you to gather around. Aunt Connie has something to say. Carlos: Gaby, come on. Here's waiting. Gabrielle: Well, let her wait. I need something to drink. Trying to keep down one of hers world-famous tamales. Aunt Connie: Thank you all so much for coming today. It's been so long since we've been together. Carlos female relative #2: We love you, Aunt Connie. Aunt Connie: Oh, and I love all of you. There's nothing more important than family. And now I have an announcement to make. As many of you know, I've battled a weak heart for most of my life. And the doctor now tells me that I may only have a few months left. Gabrielle: Sorry. Bad heart. Floor's all yours. Aunt Connie: As some of you know, I've been taking care of my granddaughter, my beautiful Ana. Because of my condition, I can't do it anymore, and I need someone to take her in. I realize that this is a lot to ask. Miguels wife: We would love to help out but Miguel just lost his job. We're barely scraping by. Aunt Connie: I understand. Obviously, it has to be someone who can afford to do this. Carlos male relative #1: We wish we could, but we've got such a full house. Maybe it should be someone who doesn't have kids. Aunt Connie: I know this is not gonna be easy, but we're family, and this is what we do for each other. Gabrielle: Well, you know...we're still gonna be family tomorrow, so I think we should think about it overnight
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and search our hearts, and try to figure out which one of your homes is best for Ana. Aunt Connie: Gabrielle's right. And please know that I won't judge any of you harshly if you decide that you cannot take care of my beautiful granddaughter. Gabrielle: We love you, Aunt Connie! Yeah. -----------------------------------------------------------[Bree's house] Bree: What are you doing? Orson: I'm helping. Bree: I don't need any help. And besides, my Parisian salad doesn't call for any chives. Orson: Yes. I've always thought it was a bit bland. I think the chives will give it the bite it's so sortly lacking Bree: My salad has plenty of bite. So...when are you moving out? Orson: Actually, I'm not. Bree: Excuse me? Orson: Oh, I've decided to stay so we can work on our marriage. Am I cutting these too fine? Bree: Orson, I understand this is a shock, but you have to face facts. Our marriage is over. Orson: Ah, once you weigh what's at stake, I think you'll change your mind. Bree: Well, if you're referring to the financial settlement, I already told you, I don't care anymore. Orson: No, actually, I'm referring to your freedom. I've been to jail, Bree. Trust me, you wouldn't last ten seconds. Bree: Jail? Orson: Yes, of course. Well, insurance fraud is a serious crime. Bree: Ah, but I never filed insurance crime. Orson: Ah, but I did. Bree: What?! Orson: Yes, I thought we were robbed. So, of course, I did the responsible thing and reported it...on both our behalves. And since you rather carelessly rented the storage unit under your own name, I think the police will find me completely blameless. Bree: You would actually send your wife to prison? Orson: My wife? No. My ex-wife? You bet. But it won't come to that, darling. I know we can get back to what we both once had. Bree: That will never happen. Orson: And sure we've had our challenges--Your penchant for emasculation, my kleptomania. But every marriage has its ebb and flow. Bree: Orson, please don't do this. I don't love you. Orson: That's all right, darling. I have enough love for the both of us. Not bland anymore. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielle's house] Carlos: The girls are sacked out. Can we talk now? Gabrielle: What's there to talk about? You won't even let the girls get a golden retriever, and now you wanna take in a teenager? Carlos: It's not about what I want. It's about doing the right thing. This is what family does for each other. Gabrielle: Well, luckily, it's a big family. Let her go live with Nina and Luis. Carlos: They have eight kids. Gabrielle: So what's one more? They'll never know the difference. Carlos: You're being selfish. Gabrielle: No, I'm thinking about our children. They're so happy. Taking in a kid we don't even know? That's a
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huge risk. Carlos: Yeah, it's the same risk my aunt Connie took for me and my mother. My father left, my mum and I had nowhere else to turn. Aunt Connie opened her home to us. She saved us from the streets. Gabrielle: Yeah, and knowing Aunt Connie, she's waited all these years to call that favor in. She's probably dying on purpose. Carlos: Babe, we are so blessed. This is a chance for us to give back. Maybe God gave me back my sight and all this money so I could help my family. Gaby, think about it. If something happened to us, wouldn't you want someone to do this for our two girls? -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynette 's house] Lynette: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. You're a little drunk there. Tom: That's 'cause I love you, Lynette! Lynette: I love you, too, baby. Here you go. Tom: And I love you, Preston. Porter: I'm Porter. Tom: I could never tell you two apart. But you're my favorite. Tom: Lynette! How come you let me drink so many margaritas? Preston: Yeah, and why did we have to stay till closing? It's almost 2. Lynette: Who cares what time it is? We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life. Hey, someone called. Phone machine: Tom Scavo, this is Mr. Cummings. We met during your tour of the campus. Forgive me, but I gave you the wrong date for the admissions test. It's tomorrow at 8 a.m. Tom: Oh, cram! I gotta crap for that test! Lynette: Oh, Jeezs. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edie's house] Cellphone text: Dr. Heller, Please contact me immediately. Claire Imaginational Dr. Heller: They're on to you. Those messages you sent to my receptionist didn't fool anybody. They've identified my body, and now they're trying to trap you. Dave: It's not gonna work. Imaginational Dr. Heller: They can trace those signals, Dave. They're going to find you. It's too late. Whatever plan you had, it went to hell when you killed me. You should've stayed on your meds. Dave: Y-you don't know what you're talking about. I'm getting away with this. Imaginational Lila: Why would you want to? I don't mean to criticize, but I thought you were doing this for us. Dave: I am. I want justice for our family. Imaginational Lila: Then who cares if you're caught? We miss you, Dave. We should be together. Dave: So...what are you saying? So I should just...walk over and kill M.J. now? Imaginational Edie: Sure. Why not? And let's face it, your plan to take the kid to some lake and pretend he accidentally drowned? Boring. Hey, isn't it better than Susan know why her son had to die? I mean, the whole point is to make her suffer. Right? Dave: That's true. Imaginational Edie: And then the whole world will finally understand what you've been going through. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Katherine's house] Mike: Yeah, that's it! Good job. One more just like that. Susan: Ooh. Hey. Um, can I talk to you a sec? Mike: Yeah. Sure.
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[Inside] Mike: I'm gonna get some juice. You want anything? Susan: Um, no, thanks. So, look, uh.. I'm sorry if I was a little under-enthusiastic the other day about you and Katherine getting married. Mike: Oh, well, I understand. You just found out your fiance was being deported. The timing kind of sucked. Susan: Yeah. That and, uh...I don't know. It d-did kind of come out of nowhere. Mike: Well, we have been living together. Susan: I know. But still...I mean, it happened so fast. I just...I wanna make sure that you know what you're doing. Mike: Susan... Susan: I know. And feel free to throw me out of your house if I'm out of line...But do you love her? Mike: Why would you ask that? Susan: Just answer the question. Mike: Yeah. I love her. Susan: Good. That's all I needed to hear. Well, I hope that you will be very happy together. Mike: And I hope everything works out for you and Jackson. Susan: Yeah, well, I don't know if that's gonna happen. Mike: What do you mean? You two aren't getting married? Susan: Oh, the truth is, um...well, it's complicated. Katherine: Hey, Susan! M.J. told me you're here. What are you guys talking about? Mike: We were talking about you, actually. Katherine: Me? What about me? Susan: Well...I realized that I never properly congratulated you on getting married. Katherine: Really? Susan: Really. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynette's house] Lynette: Hey, babe. How'd the test go? Tom: It's as though...I dug down deep and I found a new level of suck that I never knew I had in me. Lynette: I'm sure it wasn't that bad. Tom: Lynette...I puked tequila in the parking lot, I-I passed out twice in the essay section, I giggled uncontrollably when I read the word "Uranus.". Add to that that I'm pretty sure that I spelled "Scavo" wrong. And it is a safe bet that I will not be broadening my horizons anytime soon. Lynette: Hey. Don't sweat it. You wanted to learn Chinese...mm, we'll get you a book. Tom: Mandarin is a very complicated language. You can't get the kind of fluency you need for the professional marketplace from a book. Lynette: Marketplace? Tom: That's the whole point. China is one of the world's fastest growing economies. The opportunity for someone with my marketing experience who can speak the language are amazing. I mean, we're talking beaucoup bucks. I could've totally reinvented myself. Lynette: That's...a brilliant plan. Why didn't you tell me this? Tom: What does matter? It's over. I'm sorry I let you down. -----------------------------------------------------------[Katherine's house] Susan: Wow. You're getting married this weekend? Mike: Yeah. That's the good thing about Vegas. Doesn't require any planning.
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Katherine: Oh, my gosh. You know what? Why don't you come with us? You could be my maid of honor. That's ridiculous, isn't it? Susan: It's sweet, but...yeah, it's ridiculous. And besides, um, M.J. and I have big plans this weekend. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Susan's house] Susan: Hey, Dave. Glad I caught you. Is your friend's boat still available this weekend? Dave: What? Susan: I was thinking about what you said, and you were right. It really would do me good to get out of here for a few days Dave: You're right. It would do us all some good. -----------------------------------------------------------[Aunt Connies house] Aunt Connie: (on phone) Carlos! You have no idea how much this means to me, knowing that you and Gaby will be looking after my beautiful Ana. I can finally be at peace. I love you, too. And tell Gaby I said thank you. Bye. Relative: So...are you gonna tell him the truth about Ana? Aunt Connie: Oh, they'll find out soon enough. -----------------------------------------------------------[Robertas house] Roberta: (on phone) Hello? Claire: (on phone) Hi. I'm trying to reach Roberta Simmonds. Roberta: (on phone) Speaking, but barely. Who's this? Claire: (on phone) This is Claire Cormier, Dr. Heller's receptionist. Do you remember me? Roberta: (on phone) Yeah, sure. But I'm right in the middle of my breakfast, so could you call me back around 11:00. Claire: (on phone) I just thought you might wanna know the police stopped by. They told me that Dr. Heller is dead. Roberta: (on phone) Yeah, go on. I'm listening. -----------------------------------------------------------[Mrs. McCluskeys house] Mrs. McCluskey: Dr. Heller died in a fire at the white horse? Roberta: And apparently, there was no smoke in his lungs. Which means he was dead before the fire started. My guess the person he was coming to see is the person who killed him. Mrs. McCluskey: Dave. Roberta: Dave. Mrs. McCluskey: Roberta, what are we gonna do? Roberta: Go to the police. Mrs. McCluskey: And tell 'em what? Roberta: We know Dr. Heller was a criminal psychologist and we're pretty sure Dave was his patient. Mrs. McCluskey: I'd feel better if we had proof. Roberta: I'd feel better if I had a functioning liver, but sometimes you have to play the hand you're dealt. Mrs. McCluskey: If we walk into the police with a half-cocked story, they're gonna laugh us out of the station. I don't know how, but we--we gotta give 'em something more. Roberta: Didn't you tell me Dave once broke into your house? Mrs. McCluskey: Yeah. Why? Roberta: Maybe it's time we returned the favor.
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-----------------------------------------------------------[Fairview Jail] Detective Lyons: You know, when you missed your appointment on Monday, we thought maybe you skipped out on us. Jackson: Yeah, well, as you can see, I was otherwise detained. Detective Collins: You know this guy? Jackson: No. Who is he? Detective Lyons: Samuel Heller--the John Doe who died in the club fire. You sure you didn't see him when you were in that back away. Jackson: No. Well, like I told you that night, I was only back there for a minute. Detective Collins: And you didn't see anybody? Jackson: Aw, jeez, it was a long time ago. No. I was looking for the men's room. I ran into Dave Williams. He was coming out of the storage room-Detective Lyons: Wait. You saw Dave Williams come out of the storage room? Jackson: Yeah. Didn't I tell you that before? I thought it was the bathroom, but Dave pointed me in the right direction. Detective Collins: And right after that, somebody locked you in. Jackson: Come on. You don't think Dave did that. Detective Lyons: I don't know. He have any reason to harm you? Jackson: No. We're friends. He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met. Detective Collins: Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Braddock. Jackson: I'm sorry I couldn't be more help. Detective Lyons: How many times we talk to this Williams guy? Detective Collins: Oh, I don't know. Four? Detective Lyons: He ever mention anything about be in that storage room. Detective Collins: He did not. -----------------------------------------------------------[Car] M.J.: And I'm gonna catch a fish this big. Susan: Well, if you do, we're gonna clean it and serve it up for dinner. M.J.: And if I don't, can we eat the worms? Mike: Just make sure he catches a fish. Dave: Hey, Mike, I got something for you. It's a video from our band, one of our early rehearsals. Mike: Man, do I even want to see this? Dave: Yeah. We weren't half bad. Dave: Don't watch it till you get back from your honeymoon. Ok? Mike: Will do. Thanks. Susan: Okay. Bye, Mike. Have a nice wedding. Mike: Thanks. Mike: You take good care of my boy, okay? Dave: You can count on me. -----------------------------------------------------------[Three Years Earlier] Mary Alice Voiceover: The first thing Lila Dash thought about that fateful morning was her husband Dave. It occurred to her she should buy him a new tie. She thought of her husband again that afternoon...and decided she would make him something special for dinner. That evening, Lila once again thought about her
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husband...and she asked herself what she had done to deserve someone...so wonderful. [Daves house] Dave: Hey, you. What are you thinking about? Lila: Nothin'. So what do you say we all go out for ice cream? Dave: Oh, I'd love to, but I brought work home. Lila: Again? Dave: I know. I'm so boring. Hey, why don't you two go? Lila: No. We'll all go tomorrow. Dave: Now how can you make this face wait a whole day for ice cream? Look sad. Yeah. Lila: Oh, fine. I'll take her now. Come on, sweetie. Dave: Hey, how about tomorrow night, I'll leave my briefcase at the office, and we do something special, just the three of us? Lila: It's a date. Mary Alice Voiceover: But there would be no tomorrows for Lila and Paige Dash...because that was the night they crashed...into Susan and Mike Delfino. Mary Alice Voiceover: The last thing Lila Dash thought about before she died...was her husband Dave. She wondered what her death would do to him. Luckily for Lila, she would never know. -----------------------------------------------------------[Opening Credits] -----------------------------------------------------------Mary Alice Voiceover: There was a wedding recently at Fairview Presbyterian Church. The minister spoke about the nature of marriage and then said what all ministers say to conclude such matters. Minister: You may now kiss the bride. Mary Alice Voiceover: It was then the church bells began to ring, telling brides-to-be everywhere their turn was next. [Katherines house] Katherine: Hello, groom. Guess what? I called the hotel to tell them we were getting married. They promised to upgrade us to a suite and have champagne on ice. Isn't that terrific? Mike: Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Katherine: Wow, I hope you can muster up a little more enthusiasm for the "I dos." Mike: I'm sorry. I'm just thinking about Susan and M.J.. Katherine: Why? Mike: Well, when they left, I just got a weird vibe from Dave. Katherine: Dave always gives off a weird vibe. That's just Dave. Mike: No, I-I think I should call 'em. Katherine: Or maybe you should get our bags in the car so we don't miss our flight? Because if we miss our flight, we're going to miss our wedding day, and if we miss our wedding day, we're gonna miss our wedding night. Mike: Yeah, you're right. I'm probably worried about nothing. I'll load the car. Katherine: Uh, we need to stop at the store. I have to get videotape for the camera. Mike: Oh, I got some old ones in the desk. Just grab one. We'll record over it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Outside Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: She's two blocks away. She'll be here any second. Carlos: Great. Are you nervous? Gabrielle: Why would I be nervous?
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Carlos: Well, you're about to have a teenager in the house. Gabrielle: Well, I didn't say I wasn't sedated. Carlos: Yeah, I'm a little freaked out, too. But we're doing the right thing. Gabrielle: Yeah, when I think about everything that little girl's been through...her dad walked out, her mother's in jail, the way she bounced from relative to relative--I just want this to be the end of the line for her. Carlos: Me, too. Juanita: Mommy, here comes the taxi! Carlos: I wonder if she'll even remember me. Gabrielle: Oh, I doubt it. You haven't seen her since she was 6. Carlos: Yeah, and when she was little, I used to spend a lot of time with her and her dad before he left. I remember taking her on the swings at the park. I remember buying her ice cream. I remember giving her piggyback rides I don't remember that. -----------------------------------------------------------[Karls office] Karl: You told him about the divorce? Bree: I had to. He found the storage unit. He wanted an explanation. I was in such a state of shock, I couldn't think of anything else to say. Karl: Bree, this isn't good. Bree: You have no idea. Now he's saying if I try to divorce him, he can go to the police and report me. Karl: Report you? For what? Bree: Filing a false insurance claim. He's the one who filed it, but he's gonna say that I told him to. Karl: Oh, crap. Bree: I told him I don't love him. He said he doesn't care. He wants us to work on our marriage. Karl: Well, clearly, the guy's a little crazy. Bree: A little? The man put chives in my Parisian salad! He should be in a straightjacket! Karl: Okay, calm down. This isn't the end of the world. Bree: Isn't it? I'm being blackmailed by a man I'm starting to despise, and if I don't pretend to love him, he can have me arrested. Karl: Bree...I don't want you to worry about this. We're gonna think of something. Bree: What can we think of? He's holding all the cards. Karl: Trust me. No one ever holds all the cards. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: Lynette, get down here! Lynette: What's going on? Tom: I just got off the phone with the university. I'm in! Lynette: Really? You passed the test? Tom: Not only did I pass the test, your genius husband scored in the top 5%, drunk out of his mind! Which, by the way, I am not condoning...ever. Penny: Congrats, dad! Tom: Thank you, baby. Parker: I can help you study if you want. Tom: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese. Preston: I know how to say "take me to a strip bar" in mandarin. Lynette: I'm so proud. Porter, aren't you gonna congratulate your father? Porter: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus, you're not allowed to talk to me.
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Lynette: Okay, that's everyone. Tom: This calls for hot fudge sundaes. Everybody... in the car! You coming? Uh, I'm gonna make a quick phone call, and I'll be right out. Lynette: (on phone) This is Lynette Scavo. May I please speak to Dr. Rushton? Tell him it's important. Dr. Rushton, I need to come in and see you as soon as possible. I think the cancer's back. -----------------------------------------------------------[Car] M.J.: Mommy, can I have a juice box? Susan: Oh, sweetie. You just had one, and we don't want to have to stop ten times so you can go to the bathroom. M.J.: I miss diapers. Susan: Oh, the joys of being a parent. Dave: Yeah, I remember. Susan: You do? Dave: I had a little girl. She died. Susan: Oh, my god. I...I-I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Dave: That's okay. I'm learning to deal with it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Edies house] Roberta: I can't believe Edie gave you a key. Mrs. McCluskey: Why not? She trusted me. And I only used it when I was out of milk or bread...or cash. Okay, look for anything that could tie Dave to Dr. Heller. Look through his files, his papers, even his trash. Roberta, what are you doing? We're trying to catch a murderer. Roberta: I know, but before I get to the bottom of that, I'd like to get to the bottom of this. Oh, look! Muscle relaxers--score! Mrs. McCluskey: Put that back! They're not yours. Roberta: Yeah, apparently, they're not his either. Who's David Dash? Detective Collins: Mr. Williams? It's the police. Roberta: Oh, cheese it! Detective Collins: We need to ask you a few questions. Mrs. McCluskey: Please tell me you doesn't have anything illegal on you. Roberta: I do, but it's hidden. And if they find it, we got a lawsuit. Detective Lyons: Ladies? Open up, please. -----------------------------------------------------------Orson: Uh, hi there. Can I help you? Hatchet man: Well, I hope so. Are you Orson Hodge? Orson: Yes, I am. You are... Hatchet man: You want me to let go? You want me to let go? Orson: Yeah. Hatchet man: There, I let go. Now you gotta do the same. Orson: I don't know what you mean. Hatchet man: Oh, I think you do, and I am dead serious. If you don't let go...next time, neither will I. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house] Gabrielle: Brought you a laundry basket. You need me to show you how to use the washer? It's my clever way of saying you're gonna be doing your own laundry. Ana: Okay.
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Gabrielle: You know, the girls have chores, too. It's how we teach 'em responsibility. Speaking of which, uh...curfew's 10:00, 11:00 on weekends. Does that seem reasonable? Ana: Sure. No problem. Gabrielle: This teenager thing isn't so bad. Ana: So what are my other chores? Gabrielle: Oh, well, not to push my luck, but I was thinking you could sweep the front porch and take care of the guest bathroom. Ana: You got it. Gabrielle: Oh, that's a pretty dress. Oh, my god, it's Versace! Ana: Yeah. It's all right. Gabrielle: "All right"? Young lady, if you live under my roof, you will not disparage Versace. Ana: Sorry. Gabrielle: No, I'm just kidding. it was a joke. Ana: Oh. Funny. Well, I guess I'm gonna get started on my laundry. Gabrielle: Vera Wang! Where are you getting all these dresses? Ana: They were gifts. You know, from boyfriends. Gabrielle: Boyfriends? How many do you have? Ana: Not as many as I used to. I had to make some cutbacks. Gabrielle: Yeah, the economy has hit us all. So...what kind of boyfriends can afford things like this? Ana: They're college guys with rich parents who can pay for everything. Gabrielle: And so... they give you designer clothes, and you give them... Ana: The pleasure of my company. Gabrielle: Yeah. Okay, well...don't take this the wrong way, but that's not exactly from the Versace virgin line. Ana: I don't have to do anything. They just have to think I might. Gabrielle: Uh-huh, and how long do you think that will last? Ana: Till 10:00, 11:00 on the weekends. Just kidding. It was a joke. Gabrielle: Ha. Funny. -----------------------------------------------------------[Brees house] Bree: Are you all right? What happened to your shirt? Orson: Why don't you ask your friend? The one you hired to assault me. Bree: You were assaulted? Orson: He, uh... grabbed me by the throat, threw me to the ground and told me to "let go". Your message came through loud and clear. Bree: I had nothing to do with that. Orson: Please. Who else would have done it? Bree: I don't know. But I swear to you, we may have our differences, but I would never hire someone to attack you. You have to believe me. Orson: I do. Forgive me. I should've known you could never hurt me. I'll stay. Bree: What? Orson: Once I've unpacked, I'll bring you my shirt so you can mend it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Gabrielles house - Porch] Carlos: We're just running to the store, Ana. We'll be back in a bit. Ana: Okay. I'll sweep the porch while you're gone. Gabrielle: And if you don't mind, will you make sure Juanita and Celia do their chores, too?
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Ana: Sure thing. Carlos: I got the rest, babe. Gabrielle: All right, I'll see you inside. Ana: Oh, you're back. Gabrielle: Oh, my god. Ana, the houses so clean. Ana: Just wanted to do my part. Gabrielle: Well, how did you get everything down so quickly? Ana: WellPreston: We finished upstairs, Ana. Porter: Anything else you need done? Ana: They wanted to hang out, but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet? Parker: Hey, um, I'm not bragging and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet. Gabrielle: Okay, boys, thanks for your hard work, but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower...preferably a cold one. Ana: Bye, Preston. Porter: I'm Porter. Preston: I'm Preston. Parker: Oh, you can call me whatever you want. Gabrielle: All right. Juanita: Mommy, it was so cool. Ana got the boys to do my chores, too. Gabrielle: Did she? Juanita: I wanna learn how to make boys do stuff. Can you teach me? Gabrielle: Uh, okay, Juanita, go to your room. And don't come out until you're 18. Ana: Is something wrong? Gabrielle: Ana, the whole point of chores is that you do them. You don't bat your eyes and call rent-a-horny-kid. Ana: The house is clean. What do you care how it got that way? Gabrielle: I care about the message it sends to my little girls, and I'm starting to care a little bit about your tone. Ana: Oh, I'm sorry. How do you like your housekeepers to speak to you? Gabrielle: And the teenager has finally arrived. Ana, listen. We want you to be part of this family. We will love you and support you and take care of you, but in exchange, you will show us a little bit of respect and obey our rules, which means doing your own chores, no boys in the house and no more gifts from men. Ana: I get it now. You're jealous. Gabrielle: Of what? Ana: Of me. You're not young anymore. You can't get guys to do things for you, and that drives you crazy. Gabrielle: You wanna see crazy? Make one more statement like that, and I am throwing your ass out on the street. You care to test me? [Outside] Carlos: Ana? What's wrong? Ana: I don't know what I did. She wants to kick me out. [Inside] Carlos: So she had a couple boys come over and do her chores. You've been doing stuff like that your whole life. Ana: That's not the point! You didn't hear the way she talked to me!
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Carlos: I don't care! You don't tell a kid who's been bounced around her whole life that you're gonna throw her out on the street! Ana: I didn't tell her that! I just...kind of threatened to. Carlos: Bottom line--she is my niece, and she is not going anywhere. You're the adult, Gaby. Start acting like it. -----------------------------------------------------------[Police station] Mrs. McCluskey: I know this looks bad, but we did what we did for a good reason. Detective Collins: Ma'am, you can't break into a person's house for any reason. Roberta: Uh, what if there's a baby inside and there's a fire? Detective Collins: WellRoberta: See? Everything's not all cut and dry, is it, rookie? Mrs. McCluskey: Roberta, don't piss him off. You can't take a club to the head like you used to. Detective Lyons: Okay, I just got off the phone with Heller's secretary. David dash was definitely a patient there. Detective Collins: Well, that's why we couldn't make the match. He changed his last name. Detective Lyons: Mm-hmm, and get this. He's the same guy whose wife and daughter were killed in that car crash up on Canterbury Road. Mrs. McCluskey: Canterbury Road! I remember that accident. My neighbors Mike and Susan were in the car that hit 'em. Roberta: Oh, wait. Now wait. Okay, that's weird. I mean, why would Dave move onto the same street as the people who killed his family? -----------------------------------------------------------[Hospital] Nurse: The doctor has our results. He'll be here in a minute. Lynette: Do you know what they are? Nurse: You'll need to talk to the doctor about that. Lynette: Come on. I know you know. It's cancer again. Am I right? Nurse: I honestly don't know. Now please, he'll just be a moment. Lynette: If it's cancer, and I find out you knew, I won't be dying alone. Dr. Rushton: Hello, Lynette. Well, I'm glad you came in we got the results back, and the test did pick something up. Lynette: So it is the cancer. Oh, god, I can't go through this again! Dr. Rushton: No, no, no. It's nothing like that. You're pregnant. Lynette: Excuse me? Dr. Rushton: About six weeks or so. Lynette: Are you sure it's not cancer? -----------------------------------------------------------[Airport] Mike: (on phone) Okay, Susan. But when you're out on the boat, make sure you put on sunscreen. And on your feet, too. Remember our trip to Mexico? Okay, I'll talk to you guys later. Mike: Everything's fine. I don't know what I was worried about. Katherine: Are you sure you wanna do this? Mike: Do what? Katherine: Go to Vegas, get married. I mean, it is a whole weekend away from Susan. Mike: Katherine, I told you. I just wanted to make sure M.J. was okay.
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Katherine: Why don't you just admit it? You're still hung up on her. Mike: Oh, for god sake, are we gonna do this again? Katherine: All I know is, it's our wedding day, and you were in a crappy mood until you talked to your ex-wife. Mike: Katherine, I wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't want to marry you. Okay? Katherine: Really? Mike: Really. Do I need to shout it out in the airport? Katherine: You wouldn't do that. Mike: Oh, I will. I'll--I'll do whatever I need t to prove my love! Katherine: No, it's okay! You convinced me. I am dying for a cappuccino. You want one? Mike: Yeah, I do. Katherine: You said it. "I do". Can't take it back now. Video tape: Should be allowed to just...walk away. I know some people will wonder, why didn't I just kill Susan? But what good would that have done? She'd be dead. There'd be no...suffering. And to those of you who hate me because I took the life of an innocent, young boy, I say... Mike: Katherine! Excuse me. That woman I was with? Tell her I had to go. It's an emergency. Passenger: Oh, uh, your friend asked me to tell you he had to leave. Katherine: What? Passenger: He said to say he's sorry. -----------------------------------------------------------[Karls office] Bree: What were you thinking? Karl: First, tell me if it worked, then I'll tell you what I was thinking. Bree: Don't be glib. Did you hire someone to attack Orson? Karl: Yes. Bree: Are you insane? Your thug tried to strangle him. Karl: If he had tried to strangle him, he'd be dead. Look, Orson had the upper hand in this divorce. We needed to regain it. Bree: Not by resorting to physical violence. I would never have given my permission for that. Karl: That's why I didn't ask you. W-what's your beef here, Bree? Bree: My beef is that from the minute I walked into this office, you have pulled me deeper and deeper into your moral cesspool. That is not why I hired you. Karl: Please. That is exactly why you hired me. Facet. You were tired of being a good girl. You knew it was time to play dirty. Bree: I wanted to protect what was mine. You have turned into someone I don't recognize. Karl: And you've loved every minute of it. Bree: No, I haven't. Karl: Yes, you have! And so have I. Because the truth is, I think you're the most fascinating woman that I have ever met. Bree: What? Karl...if I have not been clear about how I feel about you, I apologize for any ambiguity. Understand this--I detest you. Karl: No, you don't. I can see it in your eyes. You want me to walk over there and pull you up against me and kiss you until your knees buckle. Bree: You're fired. Karl: Good. That keeps this from being a breach of ethics. Bree: My knees haven't buckled yet. ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800
[Car] All sings: * She swallowed the spider to catch the fly * Dave: *I don't know why she swa-- * Susan: Oh, it's your daddy. (on phone) Hey, Mike. Mike: (on phone) Hey, where are you? Are you with Dave? Susan: (on phone) Uh, yeah. We are in the car, singing. Mike: (on phone) All right, Susan, listen to me. Do not react to what I'm about to tell you. Susan: (on phone) This sounds really--Mike: (on phone) Susan! Do you understand me? Susan: (on phone) Okay. Mike: (on phone) Dave's real name is David Dash. He's the husband of the woman we killed in the accident. Susan: (on phone) Oh, my god. Mike: (on phone) Don't react! Dave: Problem? Susan: (on phone) That sucks. How could they cancel your flight? Mike: (on phone) All right, you guys are in danger. Just get away from him. Go to a gas station, a store...anyplace there's people. I'm on my way. Susan: (on phone) Right. So how long do you think you'll be delayed? Mike: (on phone) Uh, I'm a half-hour from the lake. I'm calling the cops right now. Just get away from him. Get out of that car and get away from Dave. And you call me the second you do. Susan: (on phone) Well, I hope you get there soon. Dave: Bumped his flight? Oh, what a drag. Okay, from the top. All sings: * There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. Perhaps she'll die * Susan: Gosh, it feels like we've been driving forever. Maybe we should stretch our legs. Dave: Ah, we're almost there. Let's keep going. Susan: Aren't you hungry, though? Maybe there's a restaurant up ahead. Dave: I really don't want to stop, Susan. Susan: Okay. It's no big deal. -----------------------------------------------------------[Lynettes house] Tom: Hon! Look what I got for college. I got pens. I got notebooks. Ooh, I got an English to mandarin dictionary 'cause you never know when you might need a .Oh, and look at this. Check it out. They're scented. You wanna smell grape? What? They're...like candy. Lynette: I went to the doctor today. Tom: What's wrong? Lynette: I'm pregnant. Tom: Pregnant? With a baby? Lynette: How long have you been sniffing those markers? Of course with a baby. Tom: But you can't. I mean...w-we can't. W-we're old! Lynette: Well, apparently, not old enough. Tom: What am I gonna do about school? Lynette: What am I gonna do about my job? Tom: We're gonna have another baby.
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Lynette: Actually, I have an addendum to that. Tom: Please tell me you're about to recite the girl scout oath. Lynette: No, Tom. We're having twins...again. -----------------------------------------------------------[Car] M.J.: I have to go potty. Susan: Okay, sweetie. Do you mind pulling over at the next rest stop? Dave: We're almost there, buddy. Can you hold it? M.J.: No. I really have to go. M.J.: Fine. Susan: Just hold on a few more minutes. Susan: Here? Hehe can't go here. Dave: Come on, M.J.. Let's go. Susan: Um, can't we find a gas station or maybe a diner? Dave: He's a big boy. He can use the bushes. Susan: Okay. Here, M.J. Dave: Don't go too far. Dave: (on phone) Hello? Detective Collins: (on phone) Dave, Detective Collins with the Fairview P.D. We know everything. Dave: (on phone) I'm sorry. What are you Detective Collins: (on phone) Heller, your wife, your child. All of it. If you come in now, I'll do everything I can to help you. But let's end this before someone gets hurt. Susan: Keys. Keys... Susan: M.J., run! Susan: Come on, honey! Let's run! Let's run! M.J.: Why are we running? Susan: We're playing a game with Dave, okay? So run as fast as you can. M.J.: Are you okay? Susan: I'm fine. Dave: Susan! M.J.! Susan: Okay, listen. It's really important that you win this game. So I want you to find a good hiding place, and even if you hear Dave, you don't come out no matter what, okay? Okay? Don't worry. I'm gonna hide, too. Now go. Go! Dave: Where is he? You are not gonna mess this up! We are too close to the finish line! Now call him! Call him. Susan: M.J.! Don't come out! Dave: M.J.! You wanna go fishing, don't you, buddy? Well, if you don't come out now, we're gonna get there too late! I'll let you drive the boat! Okay, if you don't come out right now, we're gonna leave without you. You don't wanna be in this scary graveyard after dark, do ya? All right, M.J., we're leaving! M.J.: Mommy, wake up. I get to drive the boat. Susan: Now keep the volume really high. You don't wanna hear all the boring grown-up talk. Dave: Buckle up. Susan: What are you gonna do to us? Dave: Shut up. I'm trying to think. Susan: Dave, please...I'm so sorry about that accident. You don't wanna hurt M.J. or me. You're a good
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person. I know you. Dave: Don't analyze me. The last guy who tried that didn't do so well. Susan: Well, you won't get away with it. Mike already called the cops. They're on their way. Dave: Enough! Mike: (on phone) Susan? Where are you? Dave: (on phone) Not up at the lake. You kind of screwed up my plans here, Mike. Susan: Mike! Dave: (on phone) Oh, and, uh, Susan says hello. Mike: (on phone) Okay, Dave, take it easy. You want revenge? Let Susan and M.J. go. Take me instead. Dave: (on phone) How does it feel, Mike, to know that you can't save the people that you love? Hopeless? Like your entire life has no meaning? Mike: (on phone) Dave, please. I-I can't be that far behind you. I'm on Route 12. Dave: (on phone) You're on Route 12? Mike: (on phone) Yeah. Yeah, come on. You don't wanna hurt them. Let me be the one. Dave: (on phone) You're right. You should be the one. Mike: (on phone) So we've got a deal? Dave: (on phone) If I see one cop car, they're both dead. Mike: (on phone) No cops. You just tell me where to meet you. Dave: (on phone) Keep heading south. There's an abandoned gas station past the intersection of route 12 and Canterbury Road. Susan: Canterbury Road? That's where we... Dave: Yeah, it is. Dave: Look familiar? Susan: What are you gonna do to us? Why did you bring us here? Dave: I thought it would be poetic. Susan: Mike should be here any minute. Dave, please. Don't hurt Mike. It wasn't his fault. Dave: No. It was your fault. But he wants to be the hero, so...get out. Susan: I'm not leaving M.J. Dave: M.J.'s coming. I need to set you up first. Get out. Now. Susan: Try not to scare M.J. when you bring him here. Dave: Actually, change of plans. Susan: What? Dave: M.J.'s staying with me. He and I are gonna pull into that intersection just as mike comes barreling down that road. Susan: Oh, my god. Dave: And you're gonna stay there and watch as Mike kills your child, just like you killed mine. I told you I was poetic. Susan: Dave, please. Please. I cannot imagine the pain you went through, but you can't do this. You can't kill my little boy! Dave: Shut up. Susan: What if your daughter could see you now? Is this how you'd want her to see you? As a monster who could murder an innocent child? Dave: I'm not a monster. Susan: Dave! Dave!
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Dave: You don't need that. You're a big boy now. Susan: Mike! Mike! Mike! Stop! No! M.J.! M.J.! M.J.: Mama! Susan: Oh, god! Are you okay? M.J.: Dave told me to get out of the car. Susan: Mike. Mike! M.J.: Daddy! -----------------------------------------------------------[Daves imagination] Lila: So what do you say we all go out for ice cream? Dave: Oh, I'd love to, but I brought work home. Lila: Again? Dave: I know. I'm so boring. Hey, why don't you two go? Lila: Oh, fine. I'll take her now. Come on, sweetie. Dave: Wait. Don't go. We have marshmallows and chocolate. I can make s'mores. Would you like that, my little princess? Paige: Yeah! Dave: Yeah. Lila: You sure? You said you had work. Dave: It can wait. I always have time for my girls. I always have time for my girls. [Boston Ridgegate Mental Hospital] -----------------------------------------------------------[Church - Two months later] Mary Alice Voiceover: There was a wedding recently at Fairview Presbyterian church. The minister spoke about the nature of marriage...the sublime joy of giving birth...the immense pleasure of raising a family...the importance of fidelity...and then he said what all ministers say to conclude such matters... Minister: You may now kiss the bride. Mary Alice Voiceover:For a moment, the groom wondered if he was doing the right thing. That's when the bells began to ring, telling him he had. ~The End~
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Desperate Housewives S01E01 Pilot

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Desperate Housewives S01E01 Pilot

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Desperate Housewives S01S05

Desperate Housewives 1X07 - Anything You Can Do

Desperate Housewives 1x15 Impossible

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- George Bree .. http://music.eng-corner.com/Song04/Song35.mp3

hoping for? Well, that's when happiness begins. ~ The End ~

Desperate Housewives 5X06 Theres always a woman ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800

P.S. CONGRATULATIONS! HOUSEWIVES.

Desperate Housewives 5X21 Bargaining ----------------------------------------------------------- QQ1661866800

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