The Tome of Richter Bromont

A Collection of Richter Bromonts Works

Compiled By: Arias Updated by: Diablofan on Friday, December 20, 2011

The Tome of Richter Bromont ...................................................................................................................................... 1 Katawa Houjo .................................................................................................................................................................... 5 Prologue.............................................................................................................................................................................. 6 The Brofist Chronicles .................................................................................................................................................. 10 The Brotastic Chronicles .............................................................................................................................................. 15 The Bropire Strikes Back ............................................................................................................................................. 23 Bros on a Plane ............................................................................................................................................................... 41 Abrocalypse Now Redux............................................................................................................................................... 44 Unlimited Bro Works .................................................................................................................................................... 88 Heavens Grope ............................................................................................................................................................. 113 The Big Lebroski.......................................................................................................................................................... 128 Revenge of the Brofist ................................................................................................................................................ 136 Flash Brodan ................................................................................................................................................................. 159 G.I. Bro ............................................................................................................................................................................ 171 Braiders of the Lost Park .......................................................................................................................................... 186 Operation Brostorm ................................................................................................................................................... 207 Electric Brogaloo ......................................................................................................................................................... 221 The Last Brope ............................................................................................................................................................. 238 Last Bro Standing ........................................................................................................................................................ 262 Inglorious Brosephs ................................................................................................................................................... 279 Fate/Stay in the Kitchen ............................................................................................................................................ 304 A Witch in Time............................................................................................................................................................ 316 The Super Deluxe Edition ......................................................................................................................................... 330 Extreme Sleepover ...................................................................................................................................................... 343 Hisao's Bizarre Adventure ........................................................................................................................................ 352 Halloween Special ....................................................................................................................................................... 366 No Country for old Bros ............................................................................................................................................. 370 Mario Kart: Double Hash ........................................................................................................................................... 381 Jesusmas Special .......................................................................................................................................................... 393 The Broginning ............................................................................................................................................................ 411 The Broginning 2 ......................................................................................................................................................... 432 The Broginning 3 ......................................................................................................................................................... 445 Broyonetta .................................................................................................................................................................... 461 Bros before Bows ........................................................................................................................................................ 479 Suck My Balls ................................................................................................................................................................ 485 Cause everyone else is doing one and I just wanna be popular ..................................................................... 495

Valentines Day ............................................................................................................................................................. 508 Bromando ...................................................................................................................................................................... 515 The Cripple Girl Dojo.................................................................................................................................................. 519 The Cripple Girl Musical ............................................................................................................................................ 525 Espanbrol ...................................................................................................................................................................... 527 Now with 90% more fart jokes ................................................................................................................................ 529 The Brolocaust ............................................................................................................................................................. 539 The Broujoing............................................................................................................................................................... 548 International Man of Sodomy .................................................................................................................................. 557 The End .......................................................................................................................................................................... 566 Nine Lives Bro Works ................................................................................................................................................. 580 Katawa Houjo ............................................................................................................................................................... 599 The Movie The Game .................................................................................................................................................. 600 Stardust Crewsaydurhurs ......................................................................................................................................... 606 Poker & Dio Brando .................................................................................................................................................... 616 Now in Technicolor ..................................................................................................................................................... 627 Night of the Living Cripples ...................................................................................................................................... 640 Peeping Toms & A Genie's Penis ............................................................................................................................. 661 Fuckdamn Shitcunts ................................................................................................................................................... 673 Two and a Half Schoolgirls ....................................................................................................................................... 685 There was a Hand Here and Now It's Gone .......................................................................................................... 697 Day of the Sharktopus ................................................................................................................................................ 708 April Tools ..................................................................................................................................................................... 716 Genderswap Madness Hour...................................................................................................................................... 722 Redundancy Fundancy............................................................................................................................................... 728 Shower with Rin........................................................................................................................................................... 739 A Working Title does more than a Jobless Title.................................................................................................. 747 Crossdressing Contest ................................................................................................................................................ 756 Narcolepsy, Strip Poker, & Belly Dancing ............................................................................................................. 762 Rainbow Deluxe Edition ............................................................................................................................................ 773 Ninjas & Red Bull ......................................................................................................................................................... 782 Visual Novels & Cornrows ......................................................................................................................................... 787 Bubblegum Crisis & A Prince of Roses................................................................................................................... 797 The Hentai ..................................................................................................................................................................... 807 Blood Cake & The Safety Dance ............................................................................................................................... 821 One More Time............................................................................................................................................................. 840

The Return of Broujo.................................................................................................................................................. 855 Counter-Stalking Yuri ................................................................................................................................................ 867 Courage the Cowardly Cripple ................................................................................................................................. 878 Fire Frenching, Gangbanging & An Unfunny Story............................................................................................. 890 Excess Period Blood Attracts Bears ....................................................................................................................... 906 Monster High ................................................................................................................................................................ 914 I ll stop making them when you stop replying to them .................................................................................... 923 ROLLING AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND...................................................................................................... 930 You ll never find it ....................................................................................................................................................... 941 The Drinking Game ..................................................................................................................................................... 948 Cocks n Rocks .............................................................................................................................................................. 954

Katawa Houjo

Prologue
You climb atop of Rin, the very sight of you makes her squeal through her gagged mouth. She begins crying, which turns you on even more. You kneel in and start licking the tears off her face, they're sweet, but quickly stop upon remembering that you just jizzed there not ten minutes ago. You rip apart her blouse and begin fondling her breasts, they feel so smooth and creamy. "Rin, your breasts feel so good, you don't mind if I Katawa your Shoujo, hmm? She could only whimper in response to your horrible joke. You rip off her bra, and begin licking her left tit as you continue caressing her right breast. Her body immediately convulses the moment you put your mouth on her piece of pink skin. Unable to control yourself, you begin digging your fingernails into her breast, causing her to scream. "Alright, enough foreplay, remember when I said I had a problem in my pants? The glove's on the other hand now." You slowly pull down her pants, revealing her dripping womanhood. Must drive her crazy knowing she can't stop her body from such trivial things. "Let's become one, Rin." You say in a whisper. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, young man" "Wha- who is that?" You turn around, a giant Tyrannosaurus is looking at you through your window, and he has a monocle. "I CANNOT LET YOU SOIL MY DAUGHTER, CHILD OF BROKEN HEARTS" He suddenly bursts through your ceiling, making an extremely loud yet elegant roar,

shaking the very foundation of the entire building. "IF YOU DESIRE MY MAIDEN'S HAND, YOU MUST BEST ME IN A ELECTRIC GUITAR CONTEST OR SORTS, WHOEVER MAY ROCK THE HARDEST, WINS THE GENTLEMEN'S CHALLENGE" You look long and hard at this farce of reality. You begin to question your sanity, but immediately kick that to the side. No fucking dinosaur is gonna keep you from your Vagoo, not even a fucking T-Rex. You summon all your courage and gather all the energy in your voice as you stand up to the booming green beast. "IT'S ON NOW MOTHERFUCKER" Suddenly the world turns into a giant rock concert, but not just any rock concert, everyone in the entire world was there. "Hisao! Kick his butt, Wahahaha!" "...!" "U-Um Hisao..! We'll still love you no matter what, so do your b-best!" "This isn't the Tea room..." "THE DINOSAURS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CO-CONSPIRATORS OF THE FEMINIST CONSPIRACY! YOU MUST TAKE DOWN THAT T-REX FOR ALL OF MANKIND!" Your friends cheer you on, perhaps oblivious to the fact that you just orally raped Rin... but fucking encouraging. "Fuck it, it's time to rock.", and just as you say that, an Electric Guitar materializes in your hands. But not just any Electric Guitar, this Guitar emits the electrical power of a thunder god! Suddenly Odin appears in the sky, sitting in a godly chair. He begins to sit up in the sky, and clears his throat as he speaks. "WHAT SAYETH YOU, SON OF MAN. CANNETH YOU ROCKETH WITH THE BEST IN THIS AXE DUEL?"

You look up to this God who questions your manlyness. "No, I won't be rocking with you. YOU'LL BE ROCKING WITH MEEEEEEEE!" You begin playing the greatest electric guitar song of all time, not even knowing what it is you ARE playing. It comes out as naturally as you'd expect someone to have memorized it, but this was your first time holding a Guitar. But you didn't care, all you had to do was believe. "I say! This is quite improbable! How can you rock this hard?! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN PLAYED A GUITAR BEFORE!" Professor Rexicus says in a shocked yet gentlemanly tone. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT I KICK SO MUCH ASS, MAYBE YOU JUST SUCK." you say as you smirk. The song you were playing was reaching the end, everyone in the world cheering at you, you glorious bastard.... Wait.. Something's wrong..? The Electricity and your bad heart aren't doing to well, in fact if you don't stop right now, you'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. You're gonna die. But you come to realize, the oversized Raptor simply can't keep up with you, and if you stopped, he'd overtake you and more than likely humanity would be viewed as a bunch of pussies. You can't let them down. You can't. You cough up blood, but you begin to play the last glorious seconds of the song of your soul. The music was so beautiful, Odin himself was in tears. As you finish your song, you collapse instantly. You know you can't be saved, but you don't care. You point your dying finger at Odin and the T-rex. "YOU are small-time." you say as you slowly pass over into death. The crowd went silent, before they were cheering, then they were crying, but now they're silent.

Hisao, possibly the most metal man ever to exist, died from rocking too hard. Odin let a manly tear run down his divine face. "Letteth thou be known, today, that he, the child of the broken heart, was indeed the greatest man ever to live and die before me" Odin raises his arm. "He will go on to Valhalla, whereth thou will be swarmed with thy luscious women, succulent drinks and foods, and forever rocking the very foundation existence." In the end, the world went back to normal, the girls all in tears but became stronger in their lives, and Kenji poring out some expensive beer for his fallen bro. All was well for the newly strength mankind. All except for Rin, who died of breast cancer two months later.

The Brofist Chronicles

You awake in the same unfamiliar environment, well... you suppose that's not entirely true. You've been getting more and more used to this place, not sure if that's a good thing or bad. The pills look incredibly frightening... But luckily you got yourself some Strawberry Cool Aid made. "OH YEAH" You yell happily as you devour the things keeping your heart from exploding. Damn, that's some good stuff. You wash you face and get dressed, today's Sunday, and as much as you'd like to stay in bed and watch porno, today's suppose to be beautiful. You then make your way to your door only to trip on your mat causing you to collide face first into the door, being reacquainted with your pal, the doorknob. The growl coming from your mouth sounds like a maddened werewolf mating with a rabies infested Walrus as you get up and walk out through the dorms and into the daylight. You could go read that new novel about Super Human Nazi's battling Jewish Frankengoldstein in the Library. Alternatively, the Tea Room might provide a pleasant atmosphere, and Lilly's a sight for sore eyes. The town is not far from here as well, you could go stock up on Cheetos and Cool Aid. What will you do? You open the door to the Library, the sound of the door opening itself breaks the blood waterfall instilling silence. ...There's no one here... Somehow, you're kinda sad you didn't run across Two Face and her Bro, Lilly. Wait... What was that? You heard something, sounded like feet stomping. But that's impossible, you don't see anyway around, today's morning masturbation must've took more out of you then you thought. Wait, did you even do that this morning? You pause to recall, but stop when you hear the stomping noise again. "Who's there?" You say in a curious voice. "Hisao? Is that you...? OR ARE YOU A FEMALE SPY DISGUISED AS HISAO? MOTHER OF GOD,

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THEY GOT HISAO!" "Goddamn it Kenji, where are you?" "Up here" You look up, Kenji's climbed on top of the bookcases, looking like he's walking on a piece of rope in a circus"Wait, how'd you get up there? There aren't any ladders here" you ask in a perplexed tone. "Simple, I doubled jumped" "What?" "What." "That's not possible." "Bullshit, check this out" Kenji starts trying to jump on the bookcases, seemingly attempting to double jump. "Stop that you moron, it's dangerous." "I'll show you... I just need to grunt or something when I do it" He starts grunting at the peak of his jumps, but to no avail. "Screw it, I'm getting you down-" "Brilliant! Hisao, you're a genious, I'll just do a screw attack!" Kenji does some pathetic spin when he jumps and collides with a book case, causing it to fall directly over him as he lands. "KENJI!" you yell in fear. "Hisao, well this kinda sucks, looks like the female conspiracy has claimed yet another rightious soul! I regret nothing." The idiot sounds like he'll be doing just fine. Oh, there's the book you were looking for, next to Kenji's foot. You walk out of the Library, hearing Kenji hum the theme of Metal Gear Solid.

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Hanako was waiting outside, looking at you. "Hanako." "Hisao." "Ready for round two?" "I went easy on you last time, and this time you will fall before my speed" "Yeah, well you're gay" "Hanako, that's not exactly how you trash talk" "O-oh, sorry." "Anyway, up for a race? To the entrance, no stepping on the corners, no skipping, no shoes, final destinatio- ON YOUR MARK.. GET SET.. G-" you stop midway. Hanako starts running but quickly realizes you didn't say "go" and stops, although it wasn't a very good stop considering the depth perception issues she's been having lately. She skids into the wall head first, with her butt raised up in the air. "-And GO!" After getting a good look at Hanako's underwear, you run out towards where you know Rin is. "Looks like I win again!" you say to the upstairs where I'm sure Hanako is crying. "Stop sucking so badly and you might actually lose better" The sun is out and bright, hateful brightness, the sun is a jerk. I bet the sun would sleep with your mother and not use a condoms knowing full well he has HIV if he could. Rin is outside, painting another wall in front of the school. "Hisao" "Rin" The conversation is off to a good start. Now what?

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"RIN, EXECUTE HUMAN JUKE BOX MODE 244, DROP THAT PHAT BEAT" "..Did you just call me fat?" "No, I was talking about you doing that thing with your mouth" "..." "No, nothing like that, I mean music wise" "Oh, I see. You want me to do that rhythm thing while you read poetry" "Err... it's called RAP" "Word" "What?" "Word." "Whatever, just do it." Rin starts making a funky beat with her mouth. "Yo Yo check it, My name is Hisao, Child of the broken Heart, mess with me and you'll feel like a little tart, I HNNNGGG when you kiss me, I HNNNRRRGGGG when you miss me, I smack a bitch when you dis me, Alright." You start making a beat with you mouth and look over towards Rin. "Hmm..? Oh, I get a crack at it?" "Lay it on me" "Lay what?" "Just shut up, and start rapping" "You're giving me two conflicting responses here." "RAP" "Alight, here it goes, my name is Rin, I get trapped in a Bin, some say that's a sin, but not as bad as my evil twin. I'm here with Hisao, who's pants smell like play-doh, I'd rather eat a potato, but I'd rather throw a rotten Tomato."

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"And thus we rap like bros" "Cause I have no fingers, but lots of toes" "The school they say "OH NOES"" "When I start lawnmover and learn how to mows" "What?" "Butt" "No, you mow the lawn?" "From dust til Dawn" "Stop that" "Not until you call me unfat" "Orange." "Touche" And thus the rap ends, pretty much a failure, but it was fun while it lasted. You call it a day. You've got Frankengoldstein to read, hopefully Kenji won't be there when you go to pick it up.

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The Brotastic Chronicles

Ugh, the sun peeps through your window... Mondays, you freaking hate Mondays. Another boring morning full of lectures and the teacher asking yet again why you came to class in your bunny shoes. They're comfortable, goddamn it. You get up half asleep, cursing the light of day as if it were a vampire that pet your wife, bit your cat, and sodomized your hair dryer. You don't care if that didn't make sense, Mondays are low tier. Suddenly, a knock on your door snaps you out of it. "Hisao, it's Emi! Great news, open the door!" You ponder letting her in for a couple seconds, they ARE showing a marathon of House on USA... You'll watch it after you see what Semi-Emi wants. "Yeah...?", you say in a drowsy tone. "I'm pregnant!" "...?" "And YOU'RE the father." "W-W-WHAT!?", you say as you spit out your morning Kool-Aid, "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX." "You're right, I'm like the Virgin Mary, and you're like Jesus, and this child is the son of God!" "THAT'S NOT HOW THE STORY GOES, THAT'S NOT AT ALL HOW THE STORY GOES" "I know, I just messing with you" "You dicknose." "Sorry, I had to wake you up, a girl's gotta have some technique to her, right?" "Girl? I wasn't aware Cyborgs had genders" "W-wha-" "Was that all you wanted to say, Robocop?"

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"Well no, class is canceled for the entire week." "Emi, that's not just great news, that has got to be the greatest news I've ever heard in my life, not counting the time I learned women can have sex with other women." "It was canceled due to AIDS" "AIDS? No joke?" "I'm serious, one of our classmates is a bleeder, and he contracted the disease from one of the African transfer students, he was in the room and suddenly had a breakdown, long story short, we can't go in until it's been cleaned and sterilized... every class is out for some reason." "Snoogins." "By the way, Hisao" "Hmm?" "BOOOOOOIIIIINNNNNGGGGG", she exclaims as she points down at you. "Eh?" "Is that a pterodactyl in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" Realizing Emi's analogy's leave much to be desired, you slowly look down... Ah, the morning wood. The only good thing to come out of any mans morning, Morning wood was established in 1492 when Columbus sailed the Ocean Blu"AH!", you scream like a bitch as you cover yourself. "I guess I'll be waiting for you... outside?" "Outside would be good", you say to Emi as you close the door. Well, today's off to a good start. What to do...? You jump on your bed and begin masturbating furiously... well that's a lie, you're actually trying to find the remote under the stashes of porn you have scattered around your room. You find it next to a newspaper... which says on the headlines "Guitar Contest, whoever can rock the hardest wins a bazillion dollars and twenty minutes behind the dumpster out back with Russian supermodels"

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Rocking out? You realize how good you are with the guitar that you never actually touched, and you realize just how easy it would be for you to win this challenge... But House is on, and not even four boobie'd space aliens would keep you from the greatest show ever made ever. "Haha, oh House, it's never Lupus... is it?", you say as you chuckle softly. "Hisao? Is your boner gone yet? We got lots of work to do!" Oh no. Work. You're greatest enemy, come to pry you away from your beloved House. Luckily, you just played Resident Evil 4 and you know precisely what to do in these situations. As you open the window, Emi opens the door and walks in. You really need to start locking it. "Hisao, what are you-" "NO THANKS, BRO!" You jump out of the window and roll on the ground as you land. Holy shit, that was awesome. Would've been even better if you hadn't knocked a nest of bird eggs out of the nereby tree you scraped against. Oh well, birds are smug bastards. "HA! YOU are small-time Emi-" As you finish the sentence, you have a heart attack and die. The end. No wait, that's just bad gas. The entire point of you escaping from Emi's grasp was to watch House, and yet you are now outside watching the side of a house. Irony. Hold up, you just did something awesome. And with everything awesome that you do, comes a victory dance. So you begin doing "The Monkey" right on the spot. You lose track of time as you continue flapping your arms up and down like a dumbass.

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Pretty soon the other students walking by begin to stare... A few of them start joining in surprisingly. In fact, a lot of them start joining in... Wait.. Is that Misha? There's Shizune as well. But this feels awkward... There's no music so everyone's really off rhythm, you still have to question why everyone's taking a interest in this. "Hey Emi! You still up there?", you yell at your window where Emi's staring in disbelief. "Sorry! Your Princess is in another Castle!", Emi replies in a sarcastic tone. "Look, I'm sorry, but would you turn on my stereo and play whatever's in?" "Sure Hisao, lets get everyone's blood pumping!" Emi retreats back into your room, you hope she doesn't find your fleshlight... She comes back out with the stereo and turns it on full blast. You don't care what you had in there last, you're ready to Monkey yourself into a coma, which seems likely somehow. So you begin swinging your arms up and down in full blast... ...Until you realize it's the Backstreet Boys. "EMI, WHAT THE HELL?" "You said play whatever was in the stereo, YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST FOLKS, HISAO IS TOTALLY GAY" Quickly realizing Emi switched the tapes and more than likely the rest of the school year looks pretty much screwed, you kick reason to the curve and begin Monkeying to "Bye Bye Bye". ...And so does everyone else? You spot Lilly trying her best to do the dance with Hanako giving her instructions. Shizune and Misha have formed some Goro-like creature and are doing some sort of double monkey thing. Everyone seems to be having a good time, wow, what the hell just happened. But you're into it, like possessed by some evil chimp. This is pretty damn fun for some reason. "Hahaha", you start laughing out loud followed by a big cheer.

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It looks like your awesome moment... has turned into a astronomic one. Well, until Rin showed up and everyone stopped. Rin stares at everyone, puzzled. But not in that "what's going on" kind of puzzled. It's like that "Good God, I'm tripping balls" kind of puzzled. You walk over behind Rin and pull her towards you, you whisper instructions in her ear, which she gets surprisingly well. "You ready, Rin?" "No." "Now?" "Yeah, OK, now's good" You place your arms down Rin's shoulders, so she could move them like they were her own, well, more like direct them. The two of you begin doing "The Monkey", and everyone else started joining in yet again. It lasted quite a long time, until everyone got bored and went back into their rooms to masturbate. Thinking of that girl with a stump for a hand schlicking fills you with laughter. Damn, you're a horrible person. Wait. Where's Rin? She was just here not five seconds ago, unless you lost track of time. You go to look for her, starting at the front of the school. You begin walking around until you hear something you really shouldn't have. You look up. A car flies over your head and lands a couple feet away from you. "..Rin?" "Hey Hisao, how was you day?" "Goo- I- Rin, what are you doing in a convertible?" "What do you usually do in cars?" "Drive"

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"Then, that." "Who's vehicle is that?" "Iunno" "... You're serious?" "I think so, I could be wrong" "Put the car back and apologize to the owner" "Or we could test drive this car across the countryside and test it's durability" "Or you could put the car back" "Come on Hisao, don't think anyone will ever know. And besides, would they believe you if you said I hotwired a car at Denny's and did donuts over at the Walmart parking lot?" "Possibly" "There's a mini TV in here, it gets satellite." Oh. God. You could watch House and smash mail boxes with your mighty erection at the same time! What to do.. You jump in and take the pair of shades Rin hands you with her foot. "This shit just got real" "Was it ever fake?" "Good question, but I don't feel like debating you while we aren't in motion." "Good point Hisao, lets move out" Rin digs her teeth into the wheel and thrusts her foot into the peddle. You start moving, and you suddenly feel the need to touch Rin's breasts. Why? You don't need a reason. "AH! Hisao? Cut that out." "GIMME THE MILKSHAKE RIN"

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"Stop it, you're making me laugh, I can't stay the course if I-" The moment she stops her sentence, you crash into the side of the school. ...The far side? No... it couldn't be. There's no way God loves you this much. "EEK!", a naked wet girl shouts. "Oh hey, this is the girl's showering room" "Yes. I know.", you exclaim as your pants tighten. You climb into the back and turn on the TV, House and scared, wet, naked ladies running around in a panic. "Oh, is that the one where House figures out it's not Lupus?", Rin asks. "No, this is the one where House discovers the secret to eternal life, and then sword fights Master Chief from Halo" "I think I've seen that one before" "Well, there was a marathon a couple weeks back" The car suddenly starts fuming. "We should get out, probably" "Think we could put out the flames with our urine?" "Lets not find out" You grab Rin and jump over the back of the vehicle and start running toward the back. The car explodes, causing you to jump in midair very dramatically. The two of you land on the ground. "Hisao" "Rin?" "You're my hero", Rin says as she smiles. That made you feel all warm inside... No wait, that's the second degree burns-

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"Ouch" You black out, falling unconscious to the ground, with Rin by your side.

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The Bropire Strikes Back

"Hisao, what do we have here?", Emi asks while pulling the police tape over her head. "Hey Emi, it appears a neighborhood blind girl was bludgeoned to death from behind with a Risk board game set" "Well then, I guess she..." *puts on sunglasses* "Never saw it coming" "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH" ================= "IT'S OVER KENJI, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!", you say atop the hardened ash. "YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWER...", Kenji say as he stands above the lava. "Don't try it" "I WON'T, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!" "...W-what?" "I don't like lava. It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere. Everything here is soft and smoldering." "..." "I FIND YOU LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING" "THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT SAGA" "PSYCHO CRUSHER!" You slash Kenji in two "AHHHHH.... I HAAAAATE YOOOOOUU" "YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE KENJI, YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO ABOLISH THE FEMALE HIVEMIND, NOT JOIN THEM, BRING BALANCE TO THE MALE LABEDO, NOT LEAVE IT IN DARKNESS!" ==================== "PUT THE GUN DOWN HANAKO" "A-ALRIGHT!"

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"PUT THE GUN. DOWN." "B-BUT THE GUN IS DOWN" "PUT IT DOWN FURTHER" "I CAN'T PHYSICALLY PUT IT ANY FURTHER DOWN" "THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING" "AH!" "Hisao" "Rin" "Who's that with you?" "This? This is my black girlfriend Shaniqua" "CHU AIN'T MY BABY'S DADDY, CHABOOGER, MMM MMM" "Haha, Chabooger. I'm gonna start saying that" "Is she made out of chocolate?" "Yes, in fact, that's why I'm here in the kitchen, to pick up some peanut butter" ======== "Rise, Rise, Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard, Wahaha. I don't think there's ever been a gladiator to match you. As for this young burned girl, she insists you are Hector reborn. Or was it Hercules? Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name? You do have a name." "My name is Gladiator." "...!" "How dare you show your back to me! Slave, you will remove your helmet and tell me your name." "My name is Hisao Maximus Nakai, Commander of the Armies of the anti-female brigade, General of the Brofist Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Kenji Setou. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

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========== "Rin, why did you hijack a car from Denny's?" "So someone else wouldn't" "Put it back" "Come on Hisao, hop on in, what's the worst that can happen?" "You do have a point, what harm could riding in a stolen car with an armless person behind the wheel cause" "You're serious?" "No, I'm sarcastic" "There's a TV in the back, and it gets House, MD in crystal clear reception" "Why didn't you tell me earlier, lets burn rubber" You wake in a familiar setting... Ah, the hospital. You remember that time you dressed up as the Grim Reaper and slowly walked from room to roomHOLD IT, why are you here? What happened... Oh yeah, you and Rin crashed a vehicle into the womens shower room. You seem to have suffered some minor burns to your body. Sweet, chicks dig scars. "Oh, you're awake Hisao.", the doctor says as he walks in on you. Not in that way I assure you. "Doctor Anus, it's been too long" "My name's Jeff, asshole" "Doctor Anus, is Rin OK?", you ask remembering you shielded her from the car blast, like a boss. "No, she passed away this morning" "WHAT!?" "Just messing with you kid, she's alright and she explained everything to the police" "What'd she say?"

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"Something about being held at gunpoint by a Canadian Terrorist" "That's so crazy it's believable" "Well, everyone does hate Canada" "What day is it?" "Wednesday, you've been out cold for about a day, that armless girl drew a Hitler mustache on your face " "NO! I MISSED THE HOUSE MARATHON! SON OF A BITCH BASTARD" "There IS a Burn Notice marathon on today, kid" "Oh yeah, Bruce Cambell is God tier... I can leave, right?" "You could wait for your parents to arrive" "Tell them I was devoured by a succubus, they'll believe it" "You think you can walk all the way there with your heart condition?" "I masturbate 6 times a day" "Really?" "No, but I can make it there if I sing Michael Jackson's Billy Jean on the way" "Well whatever, your effects are in the bathroom, be sure to ding the bell on your way out if our service was satisfactory" "Will do, and thanks, Doctor Anus" You walk out into the sunlight, damn it feels good to be a gangster. What to do... The school is not far from here. You should hurry if you want to catch the latest adventures of Michael Westen and Bruce Campbell's character you don't remember the name of. You begin you trek through the parking lot and immediately feel fatigued, you really need to stop browsing image boards looking for Pokemon threads and start getting out more. "SHE WAS MORE LIKE A BEAUTY QUEEN FROM A MOVIE SCENE", you begin your moonwalk. "I SAID DON'T MIND, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM THE ONE! WHO WILL DANCE! ON THE

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FLOOR! IN THE ROUND! SHE SAID I AM THE ONE, WHO WILL DANCE! ON THE FLOOR! IN THE ROUND!" You begin walking on the concrete like it was lighting up the moment you stepped on it. "BILLIE JEAN IS NOT MY LOVER! SHE'S JUST A GIRL WHO CLAIMS THAT I AM THE OOOOONNNNEEE! BUT THE KID IS NOT MY SON", you stand on your tip toes and grab your crotch. "WHHHHOOOOOOOO SHAMON-" "U-Um...." "..." "..." "G-good to see you're w-well, Hisao?" "Hanako, you should know better than to interrupt a man doing Michael Jackson's dance moves. It's a bad omen." "W-WHAT!?" "Naw, I'm just messing with you. No wait, I'm not" "N-NO! I DON'T WANNA BE CURSED! WHAT DO I D-DO, HISAO?" "Do the thriller" The moment you stopped talking, Hanako starts moving her arms from side to side. That's actually pretty cute... BUT SHE'S DOING IT WRONG AND THAT FILLS YOU WITH RAGE! "Hold on a second. Hanako, what are you doing in the hospital's parking lot?" "I c-came to-" "HAHA" "W-what?" "Nothing, continue" "Check up on you" "Eh?"

27

"W-well, you haven't raced me on the multicolored floor in a couple days, I well.. I w-was worried" "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW, I COULD JUST HUG YOU TO DEATH", you move in to hug Hanako. "EEEEEEEP", she moves so fast away you could swear she was a Ninja... Better not rule out the possibility in the future. "Should of expected that, well, I'm going back to the School. Care to accompany me, Hanako?" "OK!" "First thing's first, do you know how to moon walk?" "Y-yes" "Can you do a backflip?" "I-I guess" "If we were suddenly attacked by a billion Vampire Zombie Vikings, would you be able to Rider kick their weak spot?" "What's a Rider kick?" You breeze the trip to the school with Hanako, stopping every few minutes because you're heart is a smug bastard that demands attention. "HANAKO! ARE YOU A FRIEND OF JUSTICE?" "W-wha?" "IT IS YOUR DUTY TO DEFEAT THE ENEMIES OF MANKIND!" "Hisao, you're scaring m-me" "OK, you know what, just follow me" "Alright" You walk to the middle of the courtyard. "See that guy over there who looks like Lelouch littering?"

28

"I do...?" "Check this out" You begin running. "HEY YOU, PICK UP YOUR GARBAGE OR YOU ARE A ENEMY OF MANKIND!" "Que?" "SPEAKING IN TONGUE ARE WE? I THOUGHT AS MUCH" You gather up all of your energy and jump as high as you can, extending you feet together and pushing them over to your side. "RIDAH KICK!" Your feet connects with his face and he falls to the ground, unconscious. "HISAO! W-WHAT DID YOU DO?" "Just watch" The cops come by a few minutes later. "What happened here?" "This man is an enemy of justice" "The hell are you babbling about?" "He called the police a bunch of lazy drunk pigs" "Well, we have seen our better days" "Then he insulted donuts, look, he threw one to the ground over there and spit on it" "MY MOTHER WAS KILLED BY SPITTING", the cops extend their pain delivering sticks and begin to beat down on that heretic. "HISAO! THIS IS WRONG, SO VERY WRONG, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU-" "Wait a minute, isn't this Zero? THIS MAN IS A TERRORIST, NOW I'M DOUBLY PISSED", the copy yells as he increases his beatdown.

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"You were saying?" "I still don't get any of this" "Did you watch the kick?" "Well.. yes" "Then you're fine, say there's a Burn Notice marathon on right now, wanna go watch it?" "Burn notice?" "Yeah Burn- OOOOHHHH, it's nothing like that Hanako, I assure you" "Maybe l-later, I promised I'd go report back to Lilly after I checked up on you" "So you ARE a Ninja!" "Did you say something, Hisao?" "Oh, nothing" "I'll walk with you, I'd kinda like the pleasure of yours and Lilly's company" "Huh?", Hanako says as she blushes "Also there's a television in the Tea room that was just installed, we could watch Burn Notice and the Big Lebowski" "The Big what?" "You're out of your element, Hanako" "I give up" "I accept your defeat" The two of you get up the the second floor... and then she seems to have that certain "look" in her eyes and stops. "Hisao" "Hanako" "Ready for round three?"

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"Don't you ever get tired of losing?" "You only won last time because you didn't say "go" after on your mark get set" "That shouldn't stop you, you're a ninja" "THIS time, I WILL begin the countdown", she says as she ignores you "If you insist" "ON YOUR MARK... GET SET... G-" She stops, thinking you were gonna fall for the same trick, silly crispy Ninja, tricks are for kids. "GO!", she says as she jumps off with amazing speed. "RED LIGHT!", you yell behind her. "EH?", she says as she whirls around when she hears you say that, only not so well because of that terrible depth perception problem she's been having. In fact, she falls flat on her butt. It gives you a good view of her panties, which compliment the pair of pantyhose she has on... white, the color of the heavens... also jizz. "GREEN LIGHT", you say as she looks at you perplexed. You overtake her no problem, and make it to the tea room with time to spare. "HISAO, THAT'S NOT FAIR" "You're absolutely right, it's not. Oh well." "HMMPH!" Hanako walks in ahead of you and pulls up a chair, she also pulls out yours. Ladylike. Lilly has the paper in her hands, it looks like she's reading the funnies... There's something wrong with this picture, but you're too tired to care. "Hisao? Is that you?", Lilly asks as she puts down her paper. "No, I'm Bond, James Bond." She smiles, damn near lighting up the entire room. And when she smiles, Hanako smiles. You feel all fuzzy inside.

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You position yourself as politely and diligently as you can. Ninja talk is serious business. Hanako pours you some tea and hands it to you. You only take light sips though, she COULD have poisoned it. Little does she KNOW you're immune to every poison on earth. Not really, but it's reassuring when you say that in your mind. "Hey Lilly" "Yes, Hisao?" "Are you familiar with Ninjas?" "Ninjas? Can't say that I am..." "You don't mind if I ask a serious question then, do you?" "Ofcourse not, you may talk to me about whatever you like" "Cool, I don't have one but I just wanted to say that" "You're pretty weird sometimes, Hisao" "And you're pretty pretty, lets call it even" Lilly looks down, trying to hide her burning hot face. "Hanako?" "Y-yes?" "Are you a Ninja?" "I'm not...?" "I don't believe you." "I'm not, Hisao" "Look me in the eyes and say that" "But then you'll just do something childish like poke my pupils!" "Would you rather be called a liar or would you rather endure my brilliant banter and schemes"

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"I'd rather be called a liar" "I knew it, I'll have you know I was Captain of a pirate ship in my previous life, so don't you try anything girl" "Hisao, d-do you always have to be so mean?" "Yes" Hanako makes a pained face "But... only to the people I like" Hanako breaks out of it and starts smiling, damn you're good. It's a good thing you're sitting a table too, cause that panty shot is still embedded in you and and your rapidly increasing Hisao Way-oh's mind. "Um, Hisao?" "Lilly" "This is kind of embarrassing, would you do me a huge favor?" "I am the bone of your sword" "Huh?" "Nothing, continue" "Um.. Could you please check my... things here for lumps?" "Things?" "My.. you know." "I don't follow you" "My breasts... Hanako refused to do it." "Oh, well I suppose I could if I must-" ZA WARUDO, time freezes, a beautiful lady just asked you to feel her up. YOUR PANTS ARE SHRINKING.. AT THIS RATE! Wow, you really need to find a better phrase to use then "at this rate", ah, you got it.

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TITS ON A JINGLES, YOU'LL MAKE HANAKO'S VIRGIN EYES BLEED IF SHE SEES YOUR PULSING MANHOOD! CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! No time to think, now's the time for ACTION! "TAKE THIS! MY LOVE! MY ANGER! AND ALL OF MY SORROW! SHINNNNNIIIINNNGGG GRRRROOOOOOOOOPPPPEEEE" You spring from your seat and grab Lilly's breasts, causing her to let out a small squeal. "H-Hisao? What are you-" "Exactly what you asked me, prepare yourself!" You begin caressing her breasts and feeling every inch of them. She moans slightly when you begin, guess she's sensitive. Looks like Hanako's knocked out from the sudden booby grab, must've been to HARD for her to stand, but atleast she didn't see your erection... "Hisao... something's poking my leg" "You could have breast cancer and you're worried about such trivial things?" "Y-you're right..," You continue feeling Lilly's breasts, they're soft, REALLY soft. They fit so well in your hand... Wait a minute.. "Lilly.. I feel something" "That's the spot I was talking about, I'm really worried since I wouldn't be able to see anything." Makes sense, but the only way for you to check that out further would be... SNOOGINS. "Lilly, I know this is gonna sound a bit pervish and unpleasant, but I need you to take off your blouse" "Is that really necessary?" "'fraid so"

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Lilly begins unbuttoning her shirt, taking it off slowly. "Relax, I'll close the blinds and lock the door" "Thank you, Hisao" You lock the door and move over toward the windows, you COULD leave them open.. I mean, how the hell would she know? But then again, you're a bro. You turn around after closing the blinds andWHOA! HOLY SHIT. AWESOME. Lilly's bare breasts look like they could be on a poster. They're marvolous pieces of liquid white bliss. "Could you hurry, Hisao? It's kind of cold in here..." "You don't need to tell me that" "Huh?" "Nothing" You walk over towards Lilly, mother of god, she's warm. You place your unworthy hands on the breasts of a goddess and begin feeling to your hearts content. ...Where the hell was that lump? There's nothing here, it's shere perfection. You look over at Lilly's blouse, there's a giant lint ball on her bra. "You have nothing to worry about Lilly, that lump you were feeling was just a ball of crud" "Oh thank god", she breathes heavily, "I'm so glad" "Yep..." "Yeah..." "..." "......"

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"Huh?" "Would you like to put your hands off my bossom now?" "Well, not really. No." She gives you a cold look, your erection somehow goes away. Blue balls is a bitch. "Hisao, would you mind exiting the room while I get dressed?" "If I must" You walk out the door like a pussy, catching one more peek at Lilly's picture perfect breasts... And Hanako's coming to, Not for loooooooonnnggg. You hear a ruckus going on in the room behind you. The day is nearly over, you should be able to do one more thing... You go back to the tea room and open the door... ? They're gone. But where...? ! ABOVE YOU! You duck without knowing why, relying on your instincts... ........ Nothing's happening...? Well shit, you thought ducking or punching or something after warning yourself really loudly might cause some sort of badass fight scene to go on. Then it'd be revealed that you were a clone, or maybe the past version of an ancient hero partaking in some sort of war for some holy relic and you'd win over the hot babe and kill the bad guy with a power you suddenly uncover for the first time. You really need to stop eating dog food. Oh wait, there's Lilly and Hanako down the hallway. "HISAO! THEY'RE SHOWING A MARATHON OF POWER RANGERS DOWN IN THE BIG LIVING ROOM!"

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"HOLY FUCKBALLS, I'M THERE" The three of you run down the stairs and outside. No I take that back, two of you. Lilly's having a tough time tapping her cane against the wall and floor. "Hanako, we'll meet you there, alright?" "I'll s-save you a seat!", Hanako runs off in a hurry, not realizing you put a "Kick if Hisao's awesome" sign on her back. "You don't have to wait for me Hisao, I'll do quite all right, besides that, I'm not really gonna be missing much" "Because you're blind..." "No, because I own all the Power Rangers shows on DVD" You walk with Lilly outside, hey... their aren't any people around... "Hey Lilly, about before... I have to apologize" "Don't worry about it, Hisao" "Nope, I still feel bad, as punishment, you may do whatever you want with me" "Eh?" "Give you a backrub, foot massage, get your laundry, assassinate a president, you name it." "Hisao" "Y-yes?" "There's only one thing I want" OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY You've bee training your entire life you this, that and the zombie apocalypse. "I'd like you to sing to me" SON OF A BITCH "...What?"

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"Sing with me actually" "That's not your titties" "W-wha?" "Oh, I mean sure. What would you like to sing?" "The Power Rangers theme song" "..." "......" "...OK" "Oh, thank you thank you thank you" Must mean alot to Lilly, well, maybe if you sing you'll tame the wild beast in your pants. Makes sense. "GO GO POWER RANGERS!" "GOGO POWER RANGERS!" "GO GO POWER RANGERS!" ""MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!"" you sing together The two of you spend the night singing, then watching the Power Rangers with your bros. Damn, that Green Ranger has always been one awesome motherfucker. The day's end came pretty fast, you said good night to everyone and went back into your room. ...Looks like your parents called... Doctor Anus better have told them about the succubus. Oh well, you climb into bed, push away your stashes of porn and turn off the light. Today was a good day. Ahh...... Serenity.... sometimes it's a good thing- Hold on a tic. Something's wrong. Why does your bed feel so small? You don't remember your stash of energy drink cans

38

being THIS heavy. You look under the coversRIN!? SLEEPING RIN? SLEEPING RIN WITH MY TIN? "Rin!" "Hmmm... Yes Hisao?" "The EFF" "My room was scorched, so I'm spending the night here" "Why?" "Why not?" "Screw it, I don't care. If my erection sneaks up on you in the middle of the night, you can't complain to me" "Glad you're OK, Hisao" "Shut up and go to bed" "Again with the condescending orders" You hit Rin lightly with a pillow. "Heard you, good night, Hisao" "Night Rin, I'll rape you in your sleep" "Wouldn't recommend it, I'm on my period" "Just don't bleed in my bed" Rin clicks the light switch with her toes. "Hey Hisao" "Yeah..."

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"Thanks" "Shut up, you moron" "If I was a moron, I'd cease to understand that order" You vulcan nerve pinch yourself. Sweet Dreams.

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Bros on a Plane
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HERO, HE HAD JUST FOUGHT AND BEATEN A JILLION LASER EYE SHOOTING MUTANT VIKINGS. HOWEVER OUR HERO WAS NEARLY OUTMATCHED AGAINST HIS NEMESIS, THE VENDING MACHINE! WHEN SUDDENLY HANAKO ARRIVED ON THE SCENE DRESSED IN A BUNNY GIRL OUTFIT. USING THE COMBINED POWERS OF YOUR BODIES, YOU FORM THE MASTER RIDER KICK IN MID AIR AND BLOW UP THE NAZI NINJA BRIGADE IN A EXPLOSION OF JIZZ AND WIN AND GOT YOURSELVES SOME DORITOS. DID ANY OF THAT REALLY HAPPEN? NO. BUT YOU READ IT ANYWAY BECAUSE IT SOUNDED AWESOME. You wake up... OH! OW! YOUR HEAD. DAMMIT. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD....You look over at your bed, looks like you fell out and right into one of your HOOTERS drink cans. "YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU TOO BED. I'VE BEEN TAKING SHIT FROM YOU FOR TOO LONG-" Huh? Your bed just moved... HITLER MUST HAVE POSSESSED IT, THAT NAZI BASTARD MUST'VE KNOWN YOU HAD THE SPEAR OF DESTINY, HE NEVER GIVES UP, DAMN. Oh, nevermind. It appears Rin's sleeping head is sticking out. So it's just Rin, well that's not too bad. Hitler had arms, that made him a more formidableRIN!? RIIIIIIIIIIN? W-WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?.... Did you score last night? You don't recall you being hammered. Maybe you made it with her while you were sleep walking or something. You ARE one awesome guy, maybe that's twenty four hours a day. AH! That's right, her room was being repaired from being burned or something, and she needed a place to sleep. Damn, you ARE a pussy. Well hell, you COULD grab her breast right now, you should appease the god of titties... There's a knock at your door, looks like God hates you this morning. You walk over to the door and slip on the conveniently placed doormat thereby getting your face introduced to the door knob for the second time this week. The pricks.

The door opens, it's Emi, that cyborg that annoys you to know end. Today's forecast is cloudy with a chance of bitching and whining. "HISAO!? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

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"Yeah, don't worry, I do that all the time" "No, I heard you were in the hospital, something about a Succubus" "You heard right, I was brutally raped by a Succubus, and just as she was going to suck out my soul, I donkey punched her and turned 360 degrees and walked away" "REALLY!?" "Are you mentally retarded or do you just enjoy how angered I get when you frustrate me?" "It's funner to believe stories then it is to be all negative" "You got it wrong, I'm not negative. I'm positive about being negative, thereby throwing my consciousness into a eternal conundrum resulting in a never ending spectacle of despair and happiness" "..." "Pick up the pieces of your mind and get out. Go play around the running track or masturbate or something" "But it's dark out!" "So? Wear Nightvision goggles" "I don't have any" "Here", you grab some cheap 3D glasses and chuck it at her, "Go wild" "Wait, I'm also here to pick up Rin, she'll be staying with me. I just installed a bunk bed" "You'll be on top?" "Yeah, I'll get on top, and she'll be on the bottom with her mouth wide open, more than likely" "You have no idea how much you've entertained me for the entire day" "Huh? Can I pick up Rin now?" "No" "Why?"

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"Because" "Because why?" "She's... getting dressed?" "I can see her sleeping on the bed" "Then you should let her sleep, you know, it's bad to wake someone up to early in the morning" "She doesn't mind" "Yes she does, she's just a chronic liar" "Morning guys", Rin says as she walks towards the door, seemingly unfazed. "I've got everything packed and moved for you, Rin!" "Did you pack them or move them?" "Um.. both?" "Cool, lets go then" The girls exited as fast as they came... HAHA, that sounded dirty. Well, you've been cockblocked, you're awake now.

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Abrocalypse Now Redux

WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HERO, HE WAS NEARLY OUTMATCHED AGAINST HIS NEMESIS, THE VENDING MACHINE. WHEN SUDDENLY HANAKO ARRIVED ON THE SCENE DRESSED IN A BUNNY GIRL OUTFIT. USING THE COMBINED POWERS OF YOUR BODIES, YOU FORM THE MASTER RIDER KICK IN MID AIR AND BLOW UP THE NAZI NINJA BRIGADE IN A EXPLOSION OF BALL JUICE AND PRINGLES AND GOT YOURSELVES SOME COOL RANCH DORITOS. SHOCKINGLY, LILLY IS ACTUALLY HISAO'S BLACK SUPREMACIST DAUGHTER FROM THE FUTURE, AND KENJI IS HISAO'S HEROIC SPIRIT SELF. ALSO THE STUDENTS DISABILITY'S ARE CAUSED BY NANOMACHINES. WILL OUR HERO EVER FIND OUT WHY KIDS LOVE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH? FIND OUT, RIGHT NOW. OR DON'T, YOU WAIFU LOVING FOCKOWOCKOYou wake up... OH! OW! YOUR HEAD. SON OF A COCKNUGGET. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. THIS CHAIR. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD.... You look over at your bed, looks like you fell out and right into one of your cans of HOOTERS. "YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU TOO BED. I'VE BEEN TAKING SHIT FROM YOU FOR FAR TOO LONG-" Huh? Your bed just moved... HITLER MUST HAVE POSSESSED IT! Oh, nevermind. It appears Rin's sleeping head is sticking out. So. It's just Rin, well that's not too bad. Hitler had arms and that mustache, that made him a way more formidableRIN!? RIIIIIIIIIIN? WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE? ...Did you score last night? You don't recall you being hammered. Maybe you made it with her while you were sleep walking or something. You ARE one awesome stallion. AH! That's right, her room was being repaired from being burned or something, and she needed a place to crash. Damn, you are one big pussy. Slept in the same bed as that armless wench, and you didn't even rub your balls on her forehead. Well hell, you could ATLEAST grab her breast right now, you should appease the God of titties

44

But... There's a knock at your door, looks like Jesus-coon hates you this morning. You walk over to the door and slip on the conveniently placed doormat and slam your face into that same goddamn door knob for the second time this week. Why didn't you move that mat? Oh yeah, that's right, Rescue Me was on FX. The door opens, it's Emi, and it looks like the air's starting to leak from her ears. Today's forecast is windy with a chance of bitching. "HISAO!? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" "Yeah, don't worry, I do that all the time" "No, I heard you were in the hospital, something about a Succubus" "You heard right, I was brutally raped by a Succubus, and just as she was going to suck out my soul, I donkey punched her and turned 360 degrees and walked away" "REALLY!?" "No. Get out." "Aw come on, quit being so negative" "You got it wrong, I'm not negative. I'm positive about being negative, thereby throwing my consciousness into a eternal conundrum resulting in a never ending spectacle of despair and happiness" "..." "Pick up the pieces of your mind and get out. Go play around the running track" "But it's dark out" "So? Wear nightvision goggles" "I don't have any" "Here", you grab some cheap 3D glasses and chuck it at her, "Go wild "Wait, I'm also here to pick up Rin, she'll be staying with me. I just installed a bunk bed" "You'll be on top?" "Yeah, I'll get on top, and she'll be on the bottom with her mouth wide open, like always" "You have no idea how much you've just entertained me with that statement"

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"Huh? Can I pick up Rin now?" "No" "Why?" "Because" "Because why?" "She's... getting dressed?" "I can see her sleeping on the bed" "Then you should let her sleep, you know, it's bad to wake someone up too early in the morning" "She doesn't mind" "She does, she's just a chronic liar" "Morning guys", Rin says as she walks towards the door, seemingly unfazed that she has no pants on... Which begs the question of how she got them off or more importantly, why didn't you notice that last nightWait... Her pants are back on? You were just off in lala world for a couple of seconds, how is that even possible? "I've got everything packed AND moved for you, Rin!" "Did you pack them or move them?" "Um.. both?" "In which order?" "Huh?" Ah, Rin's doing her usual tripping balls bit, that's just how you wanted to start the morning. Where's your goddamn poptarts? You need a goddamn poptart. Looks like they're done talking, and are making their way out the door. The girls exited as fast as they came... HAHA, that sounded dirty. Well, you've been cockblocked, you're awake now.

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It's still dark out, and your poptarts are in the toaster. Decisions Decisions... Hisao journal entry, April 56th, 1979. I made it to the roof, started using binoculars at night, realized mistake, cursed. It appears Rin and Emi found their room. Light's on, blinds open, fun has begun. Rin has taken top off, Emi has too, wish they would rub each other, pants recoil at thought process. "Hisao?" Emi's bra color white, Rin's purple, wish they were black. Black is god tier. "Hisao." Skirt off Emi, pants of Rin, stripped down to underwear. Curious on how Rin gets dressed. Curiosity still unanswered causing frustration, HERM. "Hisao" Suddenly stricken with fear, bats roam the night sky, afraid of bats, screwed if bat invasion starts. Cyanide pill in pocket, no worry's. "YO HISAO" Hearing voices, clearly gone insane. Only matter of time really. You feel a punch on the shoulder from behind. "There's only one woman who would dare punch Hisao Danger Nakai, and that woman is a man" "Are you calling me a female spy?" "Are you implying that, Kenji?" "No, but I do see you're being manipulated by the female body" "Looks like it, care to join" "....."

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"Oh whoops, that's right, my bad. But then the question of how you knew what I was looking at comes to mind, Kenji" "You were talking out loud, my brother" "That happens when I don't play video games for long periods of time" "Video games were the last frontier men had before the feminists invaded with their girl gamers" "Why do you make so much sense when you're drunk?" "Why do you make so much drunk sense when you're, Hisao" "Right, so what brings you out here" "I was fired from my paper boy routes" "What?" "Immigrants man, they took my job" "They took your job?" "THEY TOOKER JOB" "DEY TOOKER JEERRRBBB" ""DERKA DUURRRRRR"", you both scream at the top of your lungs. Crap, looks like Rin and Emi's blinds are closed. HERM! Well, there goes your morning, now what? There must be vampires out... but then it occurs to you. "THOSE IMMIGRANTS MIGHT WELL BE VAMPIRES, KENJI" "VAMPIRES? VAMPIRISM ORIGINATED FROM THE FEMALE VAGINA, THAT MEANS THEY'RE PART OF "IT", HISAO" "Kenji, where is this guy who replaced you right now?" "I'd say he'd be about half a block that way", he points up. "The moon?"

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"Yes. Wait no, I meant north" "Alright, lets bounce" The two of you exit the roof and fall down the stairs like a bunch of retards. The floor tastes like lemons in the morning. You and Kenji run out into the night, occasionally bumping into a stop sign or a black person, those people are like natures ninjas, at night it's like it's on hard mode. You spot the bastard casually placing papers at the houses in a polite manner, which causes you to RAGE. No man should ever read a paper that hasn't been thrown like a boss. "STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!", you yell in your best Sean Connery impersonation. "Que?", the man stops and looks at the two of you. It's the terrorist you rider kicked in front of school to teach Hanako the meaning of justice. Some reason like that, but really you just wanted to rider kick somebody in the face. "YOUR DAYS OF DELIVERING USEFUL INFORMATION TO THE MASSES CLOUDED IN DARKNESS FOR THE PRICE OF A BUSHEL OF WORN OUT ORANGES IS AT AN END" You walk over to the exchange student and punch him in the face while yelling "FALCOOOOONNNN" Kenji walks over towards him. "My name is Kenji Setou, you killed my father, prepare to die" "PORQUE!?" "HE'S TRYING TO SCRAMBLE OUR BRAINS HISAO!" "PUNCH HIM IN THE BALLS" "PUNCHING HIM IN THE BALLS" About ten or so minutes of beating up the foreign kid, you two get bored. "Wanna go shoot some hoops or something, Hisao? "Can you even see the hoop?"

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"I can see many things actually, one being you on the ground, crying like a little bitch" "It's on now, motherfawcko" You two walk away from the evil one and slice his bike tires on your way out. He yelled something in some weird dialect, sounded antisemitic, so you threw rocks at him. The ball court is deserted, but hey, it's early. Ah son of a bitch, you forgot the balls. The balls are inert. No balls to be grabbed. Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls. Suddenly, a huge black man appears before you as you kick the metal base of the basket. ...You recognize that huge guy from somewhere... NO! IT COULDN'T BE"Patrick?" "Sup Hisao", he says as he begins running over towards the basket. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH", he lets out a Chewbacca growl as he dunks on top of you, completely destroying the basket in a hail of destruction. "OOPS!", Patrick says as he pimp walks away. "W-what just happened, Hisao?" "I just got dunked on... by Patrick Chewing" "Alright Hisao, I'm gonna go back and pee on people from the rooftop, wish me luck" Kenji leaves in a slow manner. Looks like you're alone, SO RONERY. You walk back to the school and see Hanako sitting next to a tree, looks like she's sleeping. The option of jerking off on her face and taking pictures comes into fuitition, but then you realize it's Hanako... And you've already done that like five times before. "Hanako..?", you say as you gently move her shoulder. "Hmmm... Hisao?" You get in closer, the moment she opens her eyes, you're a few inches away from her face causing quite a long period of awkward silence... Until you lick her nose. "AH!", she says as she jumps away from you and slams her head against the tree.

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"And now, I've given you herpes" "WHAT!?", she's close to tears from the pain and that statement. "Just messing with you Hanako, there's no way I'd have herpes... yet." She gets up and dusts herself off, you love it when women dust their butt off. "What do YOU want, Hisao?" "I'm sensing some hostility" "A-apparently somebody put a kick me sign on my back" "Sounds like one awesome person, I'd have babies with him if I were you" "Was t-there something you needed?" "Just the pleasure of your company" "I don't take any pleasure in YOUR company" "You do if you want to learn "IT"" "What is "IT"?" "It's just what you learn" She looks perplexed, you knew she was slow, but goddamn. "I'm gonna teach you how to become the Fist of the North Star" "What's th-that?" "You ever watch Bruce Lee?" "I love Bruce Lee...", Hanako says as she looks down. Kung Fu fanatic, she must've gotten those burn scars from fighting a fireman... That's doesn't make any sense, but your mind said it anyway and you'll have to live with that statement for all of eternity. "Alright, watch me" "O-OK!" You raise up your arms and form Kenshiro's stance, you start attacking the tree with fist after fist.

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"WAAAAAHHHHH ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA" You summon all your strength and manliness into one hand and finish off the tree with the blast of awesomeness. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUU", the tree still stands. "Ha, you will not win Hisao, I am a tree, and tree's are immune to Kung Fu! I hope you're ready for my counterattack, because when I fight, it's to the death!", the tree says in a powerful and booming voice. "That's right, and you're already dead", you say as you look away/ "NANNI!?", the tree exclaims as it suddenly expands painfully and explodes. "HISAO!? HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" "Tree's are dicks, they never learn their lessons" "W-what?" "Nothing, did you watch all of that?" "Y-yes~!" "Ready to try it?" "YES!" "Go beat the hell out of that concrete wall" "ALRIGHT!" She walks over to the wall and does some weird breathing exercise... BREASTS EXPAND, AWWWRIGHT. "ACHOO! AWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWT AWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWT!", she says in a cute manner. ...There's no damage to the wall... "OH! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!", she yelps in pain as she flails her hands around.

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"Goddamn you fail, Hanako" "I-I know..." Well, that was a interesting way to spend the afternoon. WHAT NOW? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHOOSE, THERE'S A BOMB ABOUT TO GO OFF. "Alright Hanako, lets go rest in the Tea room" "B-but I want to become the fist of the north star!" "Suit it yourself, I'm gonna go have tea sex with Lilly" "T-tea sex?!?" "Yeah, that's when I pour tea all over her naked body and drink it as my penis penetrates her interior, possibly using the tea as lube" "Hisao, you're sick" "Yeah, more than likely" The two of you walk into the building, her following behind. Must've known you had another sign made to place on her back, she's getting smarter. Hmm, lets test that theory. You stop suddenly, turn around and open your palms wide. Hanako was looking down, so she kept right on walking... breasts first, into your hands. "Huh?" "HANAKO! YOU PERVERT! THROWING YOUR TITTIES AT ME LIKE THIS!" "HISAO!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "I WAS JUST WALKING, MINDING MY BUSINESS, WHEN MY HANDS STARTED BURNING SO I STOPPED AND OPENED THEM. THEN HERE YOU COME, TOSSING YOUR.. YOUR.... YOUR CLEAVAGE AT YOURS TRULY!" He face is liquid red. Badass. "Look, I know I'm irresistible, but you need to learn to control yourself, Hanako" "YOU'RE NOT EVEN L-LETTING GO" "I'm just making sure you didn't have knives tucked inside your bra, be a shame if you impaled me with your tits"

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She couldn't take no more, she slaps you in the face and begins running towards the tea room. Hmm... You might have gone a small bit too far with that one. Fuck it, titty knives are a legitimate excuse. She IS a Ninja, you're positive...! Still this is quite awkward... RIN SENSES... TINGLING! She's outside... should make it if I jump out of the window down the hall Leon S. Kennedy style. But first... YOU KICK THE TEA ROOM'S DOOR OPEN AND CHARGE IN NAKED! "AAHHHPAADDAAABLAAAAAAAAAAAA", you begin dancing around frantically. Hanako just sits there in aw. Lilly doesn't even know what's going on. "Hanako... did someone leave Comedy Central on?" "God I love you Lilly, lets scissor" "I was waiting for you to say that, Hanako" The two of them exchange kisses and begin to grind each other. Your erection grows, bottom... or top? You can't go wrong.... It's time to rock a cock. Wait a minute. This is way more awesome than normalOh, that's right, Hanako just bitch slapped you to the ground. She's crazy strong when she's angry. You could of dodged it, but then you wouldn't have something to torture her later with. Oh right, Rin and that window. JUGGERNAUT SPEED! THAT WINDOW IS ABOUT TO FEEL THE HISAO-CANE BABY, WHOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOO! You charge at the window and smash yourself against it... It didn't even crack. "FUCK SHIT", you roll on the ground screaming in pain like a bitch. You get up, covered in some blood. RIN IS OUTSIDE, YOU CAN FEEL IT, THIS WINDOW....

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HE MOCKS YOU. THAT SON OF A BITCH. You start puching away at the glass, but only manage to severly hurt your fists. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU MADE OUT OF?" "Diamond and Engine lube", the window speaks back to you. "You know, you could of just opened me" "WHO OPENS A WINDOW NOWADAYS?" "You do, if you wanna see that red head, bro" "Well, you're right, thank you, almighty window" "My name's Eric" "You shall be called Snuggles" You open Snuggles up and jump out the windowOH SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU'RE 30 FEET FROM THE GROUND! You yell obscenities and you land face down on the dirt, your rib cage feels broken. But you shut that whining down and power on through. RIN, WHERE IS RIN, YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE RIN! .....There's no Rin.... There should be enough time to do one more thing before blacking out... YOU RAISE YOUR HAND IN THE AIR AND CONCENTRATE. "SSSSSAAAABBBBBBBEEEEEERRRRRRR!", you yell very manly like... Nothing's happening... Maybe Saber's not your servant? "UH... LAAAAAAANNNNCCCEEEERRR!" Nothing... "AAARRRRCCCCCHHHHEEEEERR!" Well, no Garcher.

55

"BAHSERKAH!" Damn, you kinda hope for Hercules to come down and axeswordfist you. "RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIDDDDDDAAAAAHHHHH!" Well damn, looks like all hope is lost"-KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK" ??? What!? Suddenly Hanako Rider Kicks threw Snuggles and lands very acrobatic-like next to you. "Hisao? Are you... Are you alright?" She looks perplexed, like she didn't really even know what just happened. "HANAKO? YOU'RE MY SERVANT!?" "W-what? No, I just heard you yell Rider, and I wanted to try that double rider kick you were trying to teach me" "Oh yeah, but I was tripping balls on glowsticks" "You remember?" "How couldn't I, My... uh... thing down there was glowing in the dark was quite some time-" YOU COUGH UP BLOOD, DRAMATICALLY. "Hisao!" Hanako runs over to you. "Who did this to you?" "Oh relax, I did this to myself" "Why do I even both asking" "Because you're a kind and caring person"

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"W-well..." "Also because you totally want me rock your socks" She hits you, unfortunately, on the heart. "HHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG" "W-w-what!?" Damn, you never told her about your heart condition... AT THIS RATEGoddamn it, you need to stop using that phrase. You need to keep your breathing steady, maybe you need to breathe faster... "Hanako, you know I've joked about you with these types of things lots of time...", you cough hard, "but I need you to do me a huge favor..." "Anything, just tell me how to make you better!" "Show me..... Your boobs" "No" "HANAKO! IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH" "...You're serious?" "Hanako... my heart- HNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG" "OK OK OK", she yells as she begins unbuttoning her blouse. She flashes them once. "Are you.. alright now?" "No, do it longer" She bites her lip as she exposes her bare breasts to you, the burns going over her body JUST misses her pink skin... This is good, you're getting excited, you're breathing faster which eases your heart. As long as she doesn't do anything extreme, your heart should be able to maintain"S-should I take more off?"

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FUCK! ....Heart attack? Naked Hanako? Heart attack? Naked HanakoFuck it, if you're going out, you're going out in style. "Please do" She takes off her skirt, particularity slowly. Bare breasts and delicious panty hose, this is AWWWWWWESOME. You could die a happy ma"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. The world is fading, are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying?

Fuck, this sucks... BAD END

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Bro 2 Ujo You wake up... OH! OW! YOUR HEAD. SON OF A COCKNUGGET. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. THIS CHAIR. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD.... You look over at your bed, looks like you fell out and right into one of your cans of HOOTERS. "YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU TOO BED. I'VE BEEN TAKING SHIT FROM YOU FOR FAR TOO LONG-" Huh? Your bed just moved... HITLER MUST HAVE POSSESSED IT! Oh, nevermind. It appears Rin's sleeping head is sticking out. So. It's just Rin, well that's not too bad. Hitler had arms and that mustache, that made him a way more formidableRIN!? RIIIIIIIIIIN? WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE? ...Did you score last night? You don't recall you being hammered. Maybe you made it with her while you were sleep walking or something. You ARE one awesome stallion. AH! That's right, her room was being repaired from being burned or something, and she needed a place to crash. Damn, you are one big pussy. Slept in the same bed as that armless wench, and you didn't even rub your balls on her forehead. Well hell, you could ATLEAST grab her breast right now, you should appease the God of titties... But... There's a knock at your door, looks like Jesus-coon hates you this morning. You walk over to the door and slip on the conveniently placed doormat and slam your face into that same goddamn door knob for the second time this week. Why didn't you move that mat? Oh yeah, that's right, Rescue Me was on FX. The door opens, it's Emi, and it looks like the air's starting to leak from her ears. Today's forecast is windy with a chance of bitching. "HISAO!? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" "Yeah, don't worry, I do that all the time" "No, I heard you were in the hospital, something about a Succubus" "You heard right, I was brutally raped by a Succubus, and just as she was going to suck out my soul, I donkey punched her and turned 360 degrees and walked away" "REALLY!?" "No. Get out."

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"Aw come on, quit being so negative" "You got it wrong, I'm not negative. I'm positive about being negative, thereby throwing my consciousness into a eternal conundrum resulting in a never ending spectacle of despair and happiness" "..." "Pick up the pieces of your mind and get out. Go play around the running track" "But it's dark out" "So? Wear nightvision goggles" "I don't have any" "Here", you grab some cheap 3D glasses and chuck it at her, "Go wild" "Wait, I'm also here to pick up Rin, she'll be staying with me. I just installed a bunk bed" "You'll be on top?" "Yeah, I'll get on top, and she'll be on the bottom with her mouth wide open, like always" "You have no idea how much you've just entertained me with that statement" "Huh? Can I pick up Rin now?" "No" "Why?" "Because" "Because why?" "She's... getting dressed?" "I can see her sleeping on the bed" "Then you should let her sleep, you know, it's bad to wake someone up too early in the morning" "She doesn't mind" "She does, she's just a chronic liar"

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"Morning guys", Rin says as she walks towards the door, seemingly unfazed that she has no pants on... Which begs the question of how she got them off or more importantly, why didn't you notice that last nightWait... Her pants are back on? You were just off in lala world for a couple of seconds, how is that even possible? "I've got everything packed AND moved for you, Rin!" "Did you pack them or move them?" "Um.. both?" "In which order?" "Huh?" Ah, Rin's doing her usual tripping balls bit, that's just how you wanted to start the morning. Where's your goddamn poptarts? You need a goddamn poptart. Looks like they're done talking, and are making their way out the door. The girls exited as fast as they came... HAHA, that sounded dirty. Well, you've been cockblocked, you're awake now. It's still dark out, and your poptarts are in the toaster. Hisao journal entry, April 56th, 1979. I made it to the roof, started using binoculars at night, realized mistake, cursed. It appears Rin and Emi found their room. Light's on, blinds open, fun has begun. Rin has taken top off, Emi has too, wish they would rub each other, pants recoil at thought process. "Hisao?" Emi's bra color white, Rin's purple, wish they were black. Black is god tier. "Hisao." Skirt off Emi, pants of Rin, stripped down to underwear. Curious on how Rin gets dressed. Curiosity still unanswered causing frustration, HERM. "Hisao"

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Suddenly stricken with fear, bats roam the night sky, afraid of bats, screwed if bat invasion starts. Cyanide pill in pocket, no worry's. "YO HISAO" Hearing voices, clearly gone insane. Only matter of time really. You feel a punch on the shoulder from behind. "There's only one woman who would dare punch Hisao Danger Nakai, and that woman is a man" "Are you calling me a female spy?" "Are you implying that, Kenji?" "No, but I do see you're being manipulated by the female body" "Looks like it, care to join" "....." "Oh whoops, that's right, my bad. But then the question of how you knew what I was looking at comes to mind, Kenji" "You were talking out loud, my brother" "That happens when I don't play video games for long periods of time" "Video games were the last frontier men had before the feminists invaded with their girl gamers" "Why do you make so much sense when you're drunk?" "Why do you make so much drunk sense when you're, Hisao" "Right, so what brings you out here" "I was fired from my paper boy routes" "What?" "Immigrants man, they took my job"

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"They took your job?" "THEY TOOKER JOB" "DEY TOOKER JEERRRBBB" ""DERKA DUURRRRRR"", you both scream at the top of your lungs. Crap, looks like Rin and Emi's blinds are closed. HERM! Well, there goes your morning, now what? There must be vampires out... but then it occurs to you. "THOSE IMMIGRANTS MIGHT WELL BE VAMPIRES, KENJI" "VAMPIRES? VAMPIRISM ORIGINATED FROM THE FEMALE VAGINA, THAT MEANS THEY'RE PART OF "IT", HISAO" "Kenji, where is this guy who replaced you right now?" "I'd say he'd be about half a block that way", he points up. "The moon?" "Yes. Wait no, I meant north" "Alright, lets bounce" The two of you exit the roof and fall down the stairs like a bunch of retards. The floor tastes like lemons in the morning. You and Kenji run out into the night, occasionally bumping into a stop sign or a black person, those people are like natures ninjas, at night it's like it's on hard mode. You spot the bastard casually placing papers at the houses in a polite manner, which causes you to RAGE. No man should ever read a paper that hasn't been thrown like a boss. "STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!", you yell in your best Sean Connery impersonation. "Que?", the man stops and looks at the two of you. It's the terrorist you rider kicked in front of school to teach Hanako the meaning of justice. Some reason like that, but really you just wanted to rider kick somebody in the face.

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"YOUR DAYS OF DELIVERING USEFUL INFORMATION TO THE MASSES CLOUDED IN DARKNESS FOR THE PRICE OF A BUSHEL OF WORN OUT ORANGES IS AT AN END" You walk over to the exchange student and punch him in the face while yelling "FALCOOOOONNNN" Kenji walks over towards him. "My name is Kenji Setou, you killed my father, prepare to die" "PORQUE!?" "HE'S TRYING TO SCRAMBLE OUR BRAINS HISAO!" "PUNCH HIM IN THE BALLS" "PUNCHING HIM IN THE BALLS" About ten or so minutes of beating up the foreign kid, you two get bored. "Wanna go shoot some hoops or something, Hisao? "Can you even see the hoop?" "I can see many things actually, one being you on the ground, crying like a little bitch" "It's on now, motherfawcko" You two walk away from the evil one and slice his bike tires on your way out. He yelled something in some weird dialect, sounded antisemitic, so you threw rocks at him. The ball court is deserted, but hey, it's early. Ah son of a bitch, you forgot the balls. The balls are inert. No balls to be grabbed. Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls. Suddenly, a huge black man appears before you as you kick the metal base of the basket. ...You recognize that huge guy from somewhere... NO! IT COULDN'T BE"Patrick?" "Sup Hisao", he says as he begins running over towards the basket. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH", he lets out a Chewbacca growl as he dunks on top of you, completely destroying the basket in a hail of destruction.

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"OOPS!", Patrick says as he pimp walks away. "W-what just happened, Hisao?" "I just got dunked on... by Patrick Chewing" "Alright Hisao, I'm gonna go back and pee on people from the rooftop, wish me luck" Kenji leaves in a slow manner. Looks like you're alone, SO RONERY. You walk back to the school and see Hanako sitting next to a tree, looks like she's sleeping. The option of jerking off on her face and taking pictures comes into fuitition, but then you realize it's Hanako... And you've already done that like five times before. "Hanako..?", you say as you gently move her shoulder. "Hmmm... Hisao?" You get in closer, the moment she opens her eyes, you're a few inches away from her face causing quite a long period of awkward silence... Until you lick her nose. "AH!", she says as she jumps away from you and slams her head against the tree. "And now, I've given you herpes" "WHAT!?", she's close to tears from the pain and that statement. "Just messing with you Hanako, there's no way I'd have herpes... yet." She gets up and dusts herself off, you love it when women dust their butt off. "What do YOU want, Hisao?" "I'm sensing some hostility" "A-apparently somebody put a kick me sign on my back" "Sounds like one awesome person, I'd have babies with him if I were you" "Was t-there something you needed?" "Just the pleasure of your company" "I don't take any pleasure in YOUR company" "You do if you want to learn "IT""

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"What is "IT"?" "It's just what you learn" She looks perplexed, you knew she was slow, but goddamn. "I'm gonna teach you how to become the Fist of the North Star" "What's th-that?" "You ever watch Bruce Lee?" "I love Bruce Lee...", Hanako says as she looks down. Kung Fu fanatic, she must've gotten those burn scars from fighting a fireman... That's doesn't make any sense, but your mind said it anyway and you'll have to live with that statement for all of eternity. "Alright, watch me" "O-OK!" You raise up your arms and form Kenshiro's stance, you start attacking the tree with fist after fist. "WAAAAAHHHHH ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA" You summon all your strength and manliness into one hand and finish off the tree with the blast of awesomeness. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUU", the tree still stands. "Ha, you will not win Hisao, I am a tree, and tree's are immune to Kung Fu! I hope you're ready for my counterattack, because when I fight, it's to the death!", the tree says in a powerful and booming voice. "That's right, and you're already dead", you say as you look away/ "NANNI!?", the tree exclaims as it suddenly expands painfully and explodes. "HISAO!? HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" "Tree's are dicks, they never learn their lessons" "W-what?"

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"Nothing, did you watch all of that?" "Y-yes~!" "Ready to try it?" "YES!" "Go beat the hell out of that concrete wall" "ALRIGHT!" She walks over to the wall and does some weird breathing exercise... BREASTS EXPAND, AWWWRIGHT. "ACHOO! AWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWT AWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWTAWT!", she says in a cute manner. ...There's no damage to the wall... "OH! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!", she yelps in pain as she flails her hands around. "Goddamn you fail, Hanako" "I-I know..." Well, that was a interesting way to spend the afternoon. WHAT NOW? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHOOSE, THERE'S A BOMB ABOUT TO GO OFF. "Alright Hanako, lets go rest in the Tea room" "B-but I want to become the fist of the north star!" "Suit it yourself, I'm gonna go have tea sex with Lilly" "T-tea sex?!?" "Yeah, that's when I pour tea all over her naked body and drink it as my penis penetrates her interior, possibly using the tea as lube" "Hisao, you're sick" "Yeah, more than likely" The two of you walk into the building, her following behind. Must've known you had another sign made to place on her back, she's getting smarter. Hmm, lets test that theory.

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You stop suddenly, turn around and open your palms wide. Hanako was looking down, so she kept right on walking... breasts first, into your hands. "Huh?" "HANAKO! YOU PERVERT! THROWING YOUR TITTIES AT ME LIKE THIS!" "HISAO!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "I WAS JUST WALKING, MINDING MY BUSINESS, WHEN MY HANDS STARTED BURNING SO I STOPPED AND OPENED THEM. THEN HERE YOU COME, TOSSING YOUR.. YOUR.... YOUR CLEAVAGE AT YOURS TRULY!" He face is liquid red. Badass. "Look, I know I'm irresistible, but you need to learn to control yourself, Hanako" "YOU'RE NOT EVEN L-LETTING GO" "I'm just making sure you didn't have knives tucked inside your bra, be a shame if you impaled me with your tits" She couldn't take no more, she slaps you in the face and begins running towards the tea room. Hmm... You might have gone a small bit too far with that one. Fuck it, titty knives are a legitimate excuse. She IS a Ninja, you're positive...! RIN SENSES... TINGLING! She's outside... should make it if I jump out of the window down the hall Leon S. Kennedy style. But first... YOU KICK THE TEA ROOM'S DOOR OPEN AND CHARGE IN NAKED! "AAHHHPAADDAAABLAAAAAAAAAAAA", you begin dancing around frantically. Hanako just sits there in aw. Lilly doesn't even know what's going on. "Hanako... did someone leave Comedy Central on?" "God I love you Lilly, lets scissor"

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"I was waiting for you to say that, Hanako" The two of them exchange kisses and begin to grind each other. Your erection grows, bottom... or top? You can't go wrong.... It's time to rock a cock. Wait a minute. This is way more awesome than normalOh, that's right, Hanako just bitch slapped you to the ground. She's crazy strong when she's angry. You could of dodged it, but then you wouldn't have something to torture her later with. Oh right, Rin and that window. JUGGERNAUT SPEED! THAT WINDOW IS ABOUT TO FEEL THE HISAO-CANE BABY, WHOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOO! You charge at the window and smash yourself against it... It didn't even crack. "FUCK SHIT", you roll on the ground screaming in pain like a bitch. You get up, covered in some blood. RIN IS OUTSIDE, YOU CAN FEEL IT, THIS WINDOW.... HE MOCKS YOU. THAT SON OF A BITCH. You start puching away at the glass, but only manage to severly hurt your fists. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU MADE OUT OF?" "Diamond and Engine lube", the window speaks back to you. "You know, you could of just opened me" "WHO OPENS A WINDOW NOWADAYS?" "You do, if you wanna see that red head, bro" "Well, you're right, thank you, almighty window" "My name's Eric" "You shall be called Snuggles" You open Snuggles up and jump out the windowOH SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU'RE 30 FEET FROM THE GROUND! You yell obscenities and you land face down on the dirt, your rib cage feels broken. But you

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shut that whining down and power on through. RIN, WHERE IS RIN, YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE RIN! .....There's no Rin.... There should be enough time to do one more thing before blacking out... YOU RAISE YOUR HAND IN THE AIR AND CONCENTRATE. "SSSSSAAAABBBBBBBEEEEEERRRRRRR!", you yell very manly like... Nothing's happening... Maybe Saber's not your servant? "UH... LAAAAAAANNNNCCCEEEERRR!" Nothing... "AAARRRRCCCCCHHHHEEEEERR!" Well, no Garcher. "BAHSERKAH!" Damn, you kinda hope for Hercules to come down and axeswordfist you. "RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIDDDDDDAAAAAHHHHH!" Well damn, looks like all hope is lost"-KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK" ??? What!? Suddenly Hanako Rider Kicks threw Snuggles and lands very acrobatic-like next to you. "Hisao? Are you... Are you alright?" She looks perplexed, like she didn't really even know what just happened. "HANAKO? YOU'RE MY SERVANT!?" "W-what? No, I just heard you yell Rider, and I wanted to try that double rider kick you were trying to teach me"

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"Oh yeah, but I was tripping balls on glowsticks" "You remember?" "How couldn't I, My... uh... thing down there was glowing in the dark was quite some time-" YOU COUGH UP BLOOD, DRAMATICALLY. "Hisao!" Hanako runs over to you. "Who did this to you?" "Oh relax, I did this to myself" "Why do I even both asking" "Because you're a kind and caring person" "W-well..." "Also because you totally want me rock your socks" She hits you, unfortunately, on the heart. "HHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG" "W-w-what!?" Damn, you never told her about your heart condition... AT THIS RATEGoddamn it, you need to stop using that phrase. You need to keep your breathing steady, maybe you need to breathe faster... "Hanako, you know I've joked about you with these types of things lots of time...", you cough hard, "but I need you to do me a huge favor..." "Anything, just tell me how to make you better!" "Show me..... Your boobs" "No" "HANAKO! IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH"

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"...You're serious?" "Hanako... my heart- HNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG" "OK OK OK", she yells as she begins unbuttoning her blouse. She flashes them once. "Are you.. alright now?" "No, do it longer" She bites her lip as she exposes her bare breasts to you, the burns going over her body JUST misses her pink skin... This is good, you're getting excited, you're breathing faster which eases your heart. As long as she doesn't do anything extreme, your heart should be able to maintain"S-should I take more off?" FUCK! ....Heart attack? Naked Hanako? Heart attack? Naked HanakoFuck it, if you're going out, you're going out in style. "Please do" She takes off her skirt, particularity slowly. Bare breasts and delicious panty hose, this is AWWWWWWESOME. You could die a happy ma"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. Your heart. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. The world is fading, are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying?

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Fuck, this sucks... BAD END You wake up... OH! OW! YOUR HEAD. SON OF A COCKNUGGET. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEAD. YOUR HEADWait a minute, this seems familiar... You look over at your bed, looks like you fell out and right into one of your bottles of Gatorade. "YOU KNOW WHAT, TO HELL WITH YOUR SHENANIGANS BED, YOU'RE GETTING SODOMIZED TONIGHT-" Huh? Your bed just moved... BILLY MAYS MUST HAVE POSSESSED IT! DAMMIT, YOU HAD CRACKS ALL OVER YOUR WALL AND YOU DIDN'T FIX THEM WITH MIGHTY PUTTY, HE MUST BE PISSED OUT OF HIS MIND! Oh wait, nevermind. It appears Rin's sleeping head is sticking out. So. It's just Rin, well that's not too bad. BILLY MAYS had arms and that beard, that made him a way more formidableRIN!? RIN! RIN? RINRINRINRINRINRINRINRINRINRINRINRINRIN- WHY IS SHE HER AND WHY ARE LUCKY CHARMS SO MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!? ...Did you score last night? You don't recall being hammered. Maybe you made it with her while you were sleep walking or something. You ARE one awesome stallion. AH! That's right, her room was being repaired from being burned or something, and she needed a place to sleep. Dammit, you didn't get to have the kinky cripple girl sex. You slept in the same bed as that armless wench, and you didn't even rub your balls on her forehead. Well hell, you could ATLEAST grab her breast right now, you should appease the God of titties... But... There's a knock at your door, looks like Jesus and Tom Cruise hate you this morning. You walk over to the door and slip on the conveniently placed doormat and slam your face into that same goddamn door knob for the second time this week. Why didn't you move that mat? Oh yeah, that's right, Sons of Anarchy was on FX. The door opens, it's Semi Emi, Professional Airhead and a carpet muncher. "HISAO!? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" "Yeah, don't worry, I do that all the time" "No, I heard you were in the hospital, something about a Succubus"

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"You heard wrong, I wasn't brutally raped by a Succubus, nor did I donkey punch her and turn 360 degrees and walk away, it was all a ploy" "REALLY!?" "Yes, completely." "You sure are positive this morning?" "You got it wrong, I'm not positive. I'm negative about being positive, thereby throwing my consciousness into a eternal conundrum resulting in a never ending spectacle of ignorance, apathy, regret, and Buttermilk Waffles"

"..." "Why aren't you doing something useful, like playing around the race track" "But it's dark out" "So? Wear nightvision goggles" "I don't have any" "Here", you grab some bear goggles and chuck them at her, "Get jiggy with it" "Wait, I'm also here to pick up Rin, she'll be staying with me. I just installed a bunk bed" "You'll be on the bottom?" "Yeah, I'll position myself on the bottom, and she'll be on the top dripping on me, like always" "You have no idea how much you've just bored me with that statement" "Huh? Can I pick up Rin now?" "Yes" "Really?" "No" "Why?"

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"Because" "Because why?" "She's... powdering her nose?" "I can see her sleeping on the floor" "Then you should let her rest, it's bad to wake someone up too early in the morning" "She doesn't mind" "She does, she's just a chronic liar" "Morning guys", Rin says as she walks towards the door, seemingly unfazed that she has no top on... Which begs the question of how she got her shirt off or more importantly, why didn't you notice that last nightWait... Her shirt is back on? You were just off in naked Asian model world for a couple of seconds, how is that even possible? "I've got everything moved AND packed for you, Rin!" "Did you pack them or move them?" "Um.. both?" "In which order?" "Huh?" Ah, Rin's doing her usual tripping balls bit, you have to wonder who came up with the phrase "tripping balls", balls is such a fun word to say. Oh, looks like they're gone. The girls exited as fast as they came... HAHA, that sounded dirty. Well, you've been blockcocked, you're awake now. This all seems so... familiar. Bah, you really need to stop snorting mash potatoes. OH BOY! OH BOY! HOUSE! Your favorite show in the universe, seconded only by Megas XLR and Titus... you shed a single tear at the thought of their cancellations... ENOUGH DIGRESSION, LETS GET SOME HOUSE UP IN THIS BITCH. ...Where's your TV? Hold on, there's a note where the television is suppose to be, being your

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best bro. "Hisao, Emi's TV is busted, needed to borrow but couldn't talk to you because you were staring up into space with an erection, will return later after we watch General Hospital, yours truly, Rin"

..... ............. .........................

HOW THE FUCK DID SHE WRITE THIS!? You calm down, you haven't had your happy pills with this mornings Kool Aid yet, your attention whoring heart couldn't take a ragefest. You're watching House, dammit. ! The Big Living Room has Satellite! Surely no one is there right now. You rush out the door while chugging down some pills, Kool Aid, and a Toaster Stroodle. ...The room is completely full... BUT... BUT... HOUSE..? "Hello there, wanna watch something, "Hiichannel", Wahaha~" Misha currently has the remote, the drill headed retard looks like she's taking requests. "Please Misha... For the love of god, switch it to House, MD" "What's that?" "What's- YOU NEVER WATCHED HOUSE!?" "I watch alot of Houses, Wahaha! Who else for House!?" "I wanna watch the Cabbage Patch kids", some kid with down syndrome says in the back. "Hey me too, that show kicks ass" "Yeah totally!"

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"Well, there you have it, Hichan" "Give me the remote" "Nope~!" "GIVE ME THE CONTROLLER" "Naw Ah" "GIVE IT TO ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SLIP MY PENIS INTO ONE OF THE DRILLS" "You're being scary now Hisao, here, just fooling with you!" She hands the remote over to you.... There's glitter and stickers on it. You quickly put it into your pants. "W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?", that black stump student yells. "Marking my territory.", You say in a badass growl. You switch it over to HouseHOLY SHIT, WHITE CASTLES COMMERCIAL AWESOME, OH MY GOD THOSE SQUARE BURGERS LOOK SO GOOD, YOU NEARLY JIZZ YOURSELF RIGHT THEN AND THEREHOUSE! Aw... It's an episode you've seen already, the one where Cuddy has mommy issues and House intellectually checkmates her and Wilson in an orgy of witty banter. You boot up the 360 that's placed in the room. ....on the ceiling. "...!" "Playing some Right 4 Dead, Hisao? We'll join you, WAHAHA!" "No, you can't play" "...?" "Why not?" "Because if you die in this game you die for REEEEEEEAAAAAAAAL"

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"AH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", Misha runs outside like a fucking idiot, and buries her face in the dirt, butt raised up. "...!", Shizune gestures to you. You guess she could play, she's doing exactly what girl gamers should be doing. Like shutting the fuck up and not bleeding from her vag onto your new Ipod mini. But two player's aren't not enough"Hey man, what're you playing?" KENJI! Yes, now things are getting-... getting... "Kenji, are you forgetting something?" "I don't believe I am" "Something udderly important?" "No sir" "Like CLOTHES" "I'm wearing clothes" "You have a painted on tuxedo" "You saw through my illusion, huh? I knew you were a sharp guy from the moment I met ya, this is part of my infiltration technique, into the Feminist capital." "Get dressed and come back" "Alright, but I'm not washing this off" "Whatever" You spend a couple of minutes flipping through menu's, got bored, and decided to torment Shizune. "Hey Shizune" "..?" "Don't say anything if you LOOOOOOOVE the cock"

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"..!" "You're a dirty girl." "Alright, I'm back, lets game bro" Kenji walks into the Living room!? "Kenji, goddamn it" "What?" "WHY are you dressed up like Ronald Mcdonald?" "He's my idol, who else could keep the feminist bitches from action by making them into Badunkadunks?" "Most husbands" "Those are the Gods among Bros" "We have three now, threeways are good, but fourways are better" "Not really, they're more messy- WHOA, I AM NOT PLAYING WITH THAT PSYCHO BITCH" "Shizune, the hell did she ever do to you?" "She fired me from my Paperboy job, and gave it to some immigrant who spouted something about destroying Britannia" "We could always play versus, you could go after her as a Hunter. As a Boomer you can puke on her" "I already did that" "Did what?" "Threw up on her" "What? Why?" "Because she asked me why I showed up for work drunk" "Why DID you show up for work drunk"

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"I drive better drunk" "Drive?" "Yeah, I drive a Cadillac" "...You're a legally blind man driving drunk at night while delivering newspapers?" "You sound like my mom" "You sound like a raging lunatic" "Hisao" You look around to see Rin, with a pin, in her shin. "Rin" "I put your TV back" "How?" "How what?" "My TV" "How your TV what?" "I wish I could kill you with my frustration" "I'd rather hate to die" "You know what, come over here, you're playing Louis with your FEET" The game lasts for hours. UNTIL YOU FUCKING RAGEQUIT. "RIN, QUIT STEALING THE GODDAMN PILLS" "Alright" "KENJI, STOP THROWING PENISTAILS IN OUR SPAWN" "I'LL END YOU SUFFERING" "STOP SHOOTING ME"

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"I'LL EEEENNNDD YOUR SUFFERING HISAO" "I'M NOT SUFFERING, STOP THAT YOU MORON, WE'RE PLAYING ON EXPERT-" A tank suddenly spawns and kills everyone. You throw your controller out the window and power walk outside. You feel like doing something stupid and dangerous... LILLY, OH GOD LILLY! She should be able to calm you down, you ARE the bone of her sword. You RAGE walk into the school building and make your way into the Tea Room...

You open the door... Smells like there's fresh tea being brewed. Yes, that's exactly what you need... Hold on... Something's out of place. ! ?.... !!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You walked in... as Lilly was changing? SWEEEEEEET. Her breasts reflect the light coming in from the windows, as well as her bare legs. You can't do anything but continue staring. "Who's there?" Should you say something? Maybe if you hold still long enough, she'll go back to undressing! "Hisao..?" "..." "Hisao?" "......"

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"HISAO!" "There is no Hisao, only Zuul-" AH! YOU MORON, WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH?!? Lilly's face burns red.... OH CHRIST, THIS IS A CRUCIAL MOMENT, YOU HAVE TO PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT YOU SAYNO, YOU CAN'T WASTE A COMMAND SPELL FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS..! "Lilly, your breasts are quite magnificent, as well as the rest of your body" "U-Uh... W-what!?" Her blush increases, awright lets get this shit into hear.

"Lilly, you know I always liked you, right?" "...I-" "I know, you don't like me, I'm pretty much a scum bag" "Hisao, you're a good person" "Eh?" "Deep down, you're a very nice man. You just have a weird way of showing affection" "I guess so, huh?" "How long have you been there...?" "Two minutes, twenty six seconds, 23 milliseconds" "Why didn't you stop me?" "I wanted to see your body" "H-Huh?" "Is that really THAT shocking? You ARE a beautiful woman"

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"I wouldn't know..." "You would, beauty isn't measured by psychical appearance, but in your case, you're beautiful both outside and inside" You lock the door behind you, she's nearly naked, and you're getting horny. "I came here to calm down, I didn't expect this, but I like it" "I know what you're trying to get at, Hisao" "I'm sure you do, you're smart as well" "Please stop" "No" "What?" "I'm not going to stop, I don't think you really want me to" "Hisao, please, don't" ...Her resistance is making your penis harder! Your mind gives you a few options before all the blood rushes downwards. You walk over next to her, and hold her tight as you French Kiss her. Your tongue meets hers, a tongue war begins, you can't stop... You pull away, a small bit of saliva comes with you. "..." "..."

You stare into her eyes, even though she can't stare back into yours. Lilly can't even move, her body can't calculate the amount of information being shot directly into her brain. Good, lets move on. You go for Lilly's bra...

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? !? UNTIL YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT THE FUCK OFF. ARGH, THIS FUCKING BRA. THE RAGE IS COMING BACK, OH GOD, HOW DOES SHE DO IT? You end up ripping off her uppers, and taking your anger out on her boobs. Beginning with licking her tit as you fondle her breasts. They feel like heaven, they're soft, REALLY soft, like a pillow. You rest your head on one just to test out that analogy, it's warm. Her body sounds like the ocean, it's calming. "H-Hisao?" "I could fall asleep on you, like this" "..." Your erection grows, it's timeIt's time, finally time, to lose your virginity! You slowly peel Lilly's skirt off, revealing some surprisingly well kept pubic hairVagina, that's right, you're hear for vagina. Wow, that's a strong smell. Goddamn, nobody ever told you pussies smelled so goddamn strong... But that turns you on strnagely. She's wet, not dripping, but wet enough for you to insert your rock hard ponos. "Hisao, this is your last warning" "No, you" "I'm serious, don't" "Alright, I won't" "R-really?" "No"

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You unzip your pants and whip on your dick, the theme of Robocop starts playing in your head. The head is... a bit too big to fit? Naw, you just need to thrust. "FLASH! AAAHHHHHH~" Some reason or another, you're singing the theme to Flash Gordan as you thrust your dick into her womanhood. It makes such a pleasing schlick as you stop halfway, Lilly looks like she's in pain. "Lilly?" "Is it... all the way in?" "Naw, but it will be" You thrust your manliness into her, your dick suddenly hits a wall? Must be her womb, or something like that. You failed Economics or whatever subject that covered this so you have little to know knowledge of female anatonmy! HOLY CRAP, THIS FEEL GREAT. OH MY GOD, IS THIS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN MISSING? Now you realize why so much porn exists. "HAAAAH!", Lilly lets out a scream. Must be out of pleasure- No wait, he pussy is bleeding. OH GOD, WHAT IF SHE HAS AIDS? "Hisao... Don't stop" "I think I should" "Don't, please go right ahead" "Your wish is my commando" You start rocking your hips back and forth. AW YEAH! "BLINDEY FUCK, BLINDEY FUCK, IT'S AWWWWWWRIGHT" "Hah hah... W-What did you say"

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"I ASKED YOU HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE ME INSIDE YOU" "It feels... delicious", she says with a smile. "NAHNEE!?" Her blind eyes begin flashing red, her teeth begin to expand... "LILLY! OHMAI" "I DID tell you it would be in your best interests to stop, Hisao" You realize what you're doing, the hell came over you? "YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE", she says as she ensnares you with her legs. "HOLY ZEN" "Keep fucking me, Hisao, FUCK ME WIIIIIILLLDDD" YOUR BODY IS MOVING ON IT'S OWN, DAMN THIS IS PAINFUL, YOU CAN'T STOP, SHIT SHIT. "I want you to cum inside my womb" "FUCK YOU, YOU GODDAMN VAMPIRE" "That's the idea" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" She increases pressure on your body, feels like there's a truck parked on top of your balls. "CLIMAX" "NO!" "YOU WILL" "I WILL NOT! Oh, nevermind" You're about to jizz, you can't pull out, Vampire Lilly looks at you with lust. FINE, IF SHE WANTS YOUR CUM, SHE'LL GET YOUR CUM, YOU'LL EJACULATE WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SAVING PRIVATE RYAN'S-

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Just as you were about to finish that random thought, Lilly sinks her fangs into your neck. As you cum, she begins sucking your life away... painfully. But you can't scream, you can't access your throat... Your heart is about to give out... Vision is blurring... You manage to mutter one thing"I... drank... holy water... whore-" You begin urinating inside Lilly after you've finished coming. "AHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS!" "Suck on that, bitch" Your heart gives away, you're cast into darkness.

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Unlimited Bro Works

The alarm clock buzzes, your eyes open slowly... Everything's blurry at first, but it comes into focus-YOU HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. OH MY GOD, YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO PEE SO BADLY BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE. ARGH. PISS! PISS LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! PISS LIKE THE FIST OF THE NORTH STAR! But the bathroom is too far away, you spot the alarm clock. You sing the theme to Happy days as you undo your shorts and shoot your mighty stream of justice at alarm clock, for being a dicknose. "TASTE MY FUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY" Suddenly the image of Lilly's hot vampiric body comes into your mindWHOA, that was one hell of a bad dream. Your first time and it's with a Vampire? Shit... Wait, if that was a dreamGODDAMN IT, you're gonna be a virgin for all eternity... ! ! ! !! YOU'RE IN DESPAIIIIRRRRR, THE FEMALE BODY HAS LEFT YOU IN DESPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRR! UH OH, forgot you were still peeing on your alarm clock and the night stand it's on. You get up, looks like you're gonna need some paper towels... On the bright side, you don't think that alarm clock will be bothering you ever again. You 1. Clocks 0. In their fucking face. Today's Friday, school's still out, it's cloudy out this morning, more than likely gonna rain. The Kool Aid tastes great as you chug your pills, tastes even better now that you've been mixing Holy Water into it////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

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"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" You feel a sharp pain in your heart, you body feels likes it's being weighed down with Xboxs.... But it subsides... That was odd, is your condition getting worse? Ignore it, it's more then likely nothing, you have an appointment with the nurse today anyway. You take a cold shower, put your shirt on backwards, and head to the doorDOOR MAT! YOU'RE NOT TRIPPING ME TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER. "Ha, bet you thought you were pretty funny, huh cockfag?" You walk around the door mat diligently, looks like the day is finally looking upYour face is met with Hanako's blank gaze a few inches away from each other... "AH!" You take a step backwards... and right into THAT FUCKING MAT, GODDAMN IT. You fall backwards and land back head first so hard, blood spurts out. "Hisao" "WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER KNOCK, AND WHY DON'T I EVER LOCK ANYTHING?" "You need to be more careful" "YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME THAT, TOASTY-" Something's... different? "Hanako, is something wrong?" "No, I am just tired" Wow, she's different when she hasn't had any sleep. Bags under her eyes look disturbing, and she probably doesn't even notice that your penis is still hanging out. "Didn't sleep very well? You know, I can help you with that"

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"Your antics are neither funny or encouraging" "Then they aren't really antics at all, are they?" "I suppose not, Lilly asked me to invite you for some morning tea" "Do you want me to come?" "I guess I do" "On you or in you?" "What?" "Nothing" Your body feels odd, but nothing you can't handle. You grab the gun you keep in your drawers fast and point it at your head. "...What are you doing?" "SUMMONING OROBAS!" "Stop that" "CAN'T HEAR YOU, SUMMONING MY PERSONA" "I-Is that gun loaded!?" She suddenly snaps to. "LOADED WITH THE POWER OF AWESOME" You push the gun to your temple "STOP HISAO!" "JUST FOR THAT, I'M SUMMONING MARA" You breathe "PER-SO-NA!" "HISAO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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The gun clicks. "Huh?" "Oh whoops, that's right. I sold the bullets so I could buy that box full of Skittles, that was so cash" "H-HISAO, YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK", she yells in a particularly whiny voice. "Yeah, I'd be worried too if the love of my life was going to shoot himself in the head" "W-what?" "Joking, you want my babies, not my love" "No, I w-would want your love-" "HA" "OOP", she presses her hands over her mouth. "I fucking knew it" "YOU-YOU-YOU CONFUSED ME!" "Yeah, love does funny things to your brain" "NO, NOT LIKE THAT" "Relax, I'm just messing with you Hanako. Your funner to be around when you're not a mopey bitch." "You're gonna make me shoot myself someday" "I bet a Pixxy would come out if you did that, because she fucking sucks. Like you" "YOU-" "Lets go drink some tea, I fucking love tea", you say as you cut her off. It's storming outside... BADASS. "Hey Hanako, lets climb on the rooftops and jump our way into the tea room" "S-Sure!"

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"Wait, you're OK with that?" "I looooove Parkour, Hisao" "All Ninja's should" "I AM NOT A NINJA!" "Ninja." You say as you climb up the wall outside, using a trash can and a window. "Here, take it", you lift your hand down. "No need, Hisao!" Hanako runs up the wall on the opposite side and jumps onto the railing, hanging before doing some sort of acrobatic somersault shit. "Taa-daa!" "Oh sorry, wasn't watching." ";_;" "But your breasts looks great in the rain" "HUH?" She looks down, her black underwear is bleeding through her white clothing. Rain is god tier. "AH!" "Magnificent...", you say as your erection grows. Having sex in the rain has always been one of the things you wanted to do before you died... Where the fuck did she go? "YOU BETTER HURRY, HISAO!" She's ran on ahead, YAR, THE BLUE BALLS BE A MIGHTY BEAST. The two of you jump over buildings and climb up walls until you see the window of the Tea Room.

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Windows.... they remind you of the name Snuggles for some reason... Oh well. "BBBLLLAARRRGGGAAHAHHABBBLLLLAAAAHHHHH", you yell like an idiot as you crash threw one of them. "AH!", Lilly screams as you land next to her, surprisingly fine. Hanako follows you... avoiding the glass. LIKE A NINJA. "Hanako, come over here, I'll dry you off" "Ummm... A-as long as you don't do anything f-funny" You pull out a towel you had in your shorts. "L-like that for example, why would you have a towel in your shorts?" "You should never forget to bring a towel, haven't you watched South Park?" "Uh.." "You know, the show with Cartman, and that orange kid who dies every episode" "Y-YES I'VE SEEN THAT" "Well, not that we've established some common ground, I'm gonna wipe your nipples dry" You surprise attack her with your towel, you begin rubbing every place that holds you delight. "Damn Hanako, you never told me you had such big breasts" "STOP THAT, H-HISAO!" You begin rubbing her back with the towel, you know how to give a good massage. "....", she makes a quiet face. "Still want me to stop?" "Just... make it quick" "HARD AND FAST IS MY NATURE, BABY" You dry Hanako's upper part off, quite nicely.

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"Sit down, I'll get your legs" She takes a seat as Lilly pours us some tea. "Lilly, you're silent for some reason, what's up?" "Oh don't mind me, continue" "Well, if you insist" You dry off Hanako's bare feet, you're not a feet guy, but if you were, your manhood would've broken through the shackles of human clothing. "Hahaha, that tickles Hisao" "Oh yeah? How about this?" You begin licking the sensitive spot on her foot. "AH! STOP THAT, THAT FEELS TOO WEIRD" "No. Well OK" You dry her upper legs... you're heading there. THAT PLACE AT WHICH YOU MUST DARE TO VENTURE ONE DAY... You open up your nose. "Hanako, it smells like heaven down here", you say with saliva going down your face"OUCH" She kicks you away with her bare foot, THAT JUST MAKES YOU HARDER! //////////////////////Stnap ym fo renob eht ma I///////////////////////// "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. THIS CHAIR. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART.... The pain subsides.

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Those were.. words? They sounded like Guitar rips, but they also sounded like words? How is that possible? "Hisao? Are you alright?" Lilly looks at you with a pained face. "DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY, YEAH!" "Ex-Excuse me?" "VERY SHAGGADELIC" "Are you alright?" "YEAH BABY YEAH" "Oh behave, Hisao" "I could hug you to death right now, Lilly, that's how much I now love you" "M-My", she starts blushing. "What about me?" "What ABOUT you?" "Oh...", she looks away, LEAVING HERSELF VULNERABLE! You kiss Hanako on the cheek... Tastes like chicken. "AH!", you pushes you away and begins rubbing her cheek rather hard. "By the way, I have herpes" "YOU TRIED THAT ON ME ALREADY" "Oh yeah, I did, didn't I?" "Hisao, could we have one meeting that doesn't end in complete anarchy?" "No" "Please?" "Alright"

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You three sip some tea and pass some time. Your appointment is coming up, you should be able to do one more thing... "Hey Hanako, dry me, will you?" You toss her the towel, she looks at you with a confused face. The only natural thing to do is go with the flow... So you start undressing. "W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" "What? You don't wanna put your hands on my bare chest?" She looks at you with her mouth wide open... You walk towards her, surrounding her with your manly presence. "Hanako, I'd really like it if you would rub that towel over me and dry my wet skin" "Hah.....", she takes a quick gasp/breathe "O-O-OK!" SHE ATTACKS YOU, ALL SIDES, SHE DRIES, WITH GREAT EFFECT! BUT YOU CAN'T LET HER WIN! "Great Hanako, now, dry me down there", you point downwards. She kneels down and begins drying your hairy legs, that must not be too pleasant. But wait for it... Wait for it.... WAIT FOR IT....... "Huh?", she stops as she gets to your crotch area. Looks like she doesn't know what to do. ...You summon all your might and make an IMMEDIATE ERECTION! It pokes her in the face, she looks perplexed for a couple seconds, then screams. "DAMMIT HISAO!" "I couldn't help it, honestly" Fun detour... now to the main course.

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You walk across the school towards the Nurse's office to meet the Nurse... His name escapes you. Every student you meet on the way looks like shit. REALLY looks like shit. Poor bastards, something must be going aroundHuh? One of the students collapses behind you. Oh wait, it's one without a leg. It's safe to laugh... ! A normal looking student collapses next to him as him attempts to pick him up. He coughs up blood and stares at you, blankly. What the hell is going on? One of the nurses nearby attends to him, seems the medical staff is up to their heads with things like this. You're not feeling too well, yourself.

You enter the Nurses office with... The fatigue has worsened... "Problem, Hisao?", the nurse says with a smug look on his face. ? The Nurse seems like he's doing just fine, in fact, better than OK. Everyone else you met today is so tired they didn't even notice you weren't wearing any pants. "Hey, have you noticed everyone around here has been feeling kinda sick and fatigued?" "Hmm? Oh yes, I think it has something to do with what was served in the cafeteria" Your mind relaxes, that would make sense. This school's food has given you explosion anal evacuation before. ...But somehow you're not convinced. "You skip Lunch yesterday then?" "Hmm? Oh I don't eat here, I go grab a bite out to eat with Professor" "Yeah, I like to eat cat food on the children's playground as I fondle myself sometimes too, which Professor would that be, by the way?" "Hisao, are you feeling all right? You look pale"

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"Sorry, I've been hearing some.. strange things lately" "Oh? Like what" "Some strange words, words that sound like a guitar is speaking them. I'm not quite sure how to describe it" "WHAT!?", the nurse says as he strangely gets aggravated. "I-is that really bad?" "That's very bad Hisao, I think your heart is starting to mess with your brain" "No bullshit?" "I'm no bullshitter" "Is there anything I could do?" "Yeah, don't worry. We've got our hands on a brand new medicine that replaces certain heart cells, should fix you right up for awhile. I wasn't going to use it yet, but I suppose I have no other choice" The Nurse goes into the floor cabinet and pulls out a bottle of white liquid, he inserts a syringe into the top and sucks some up like a Mosquito on Angel dust. "I'm gonna get a shot?" "Yes, but look at it this way, you won't be hearing that Electric Guitar talking nonsense to you anymore" Huh? You don't recall telling him what kind of Guitar it was, but then again, could be just a guess. And after last years Christmas party, where you cunt punted a homeless man who actually was a undercover FBI agent, you learned not to second guess things lightly. He smears some alcohol on your arm and ties it tight. You hate shots. You REALLY hate shots. A syringe raped your sister in the butt once, so you know they can't be trusted. "Quit shaking, Hisao, it's not gonna be THAT bad" "Fuck you" "Now, don't be rude"

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"Sorry, nervous" Wait... You're not shaking. He is. Huh? Why? This isn't the first time he's penetrated someone, is it? You mean, penetration is something you generally get used to, surely he's penetrated lots of people. If you were a Doctor, you'd go around penetrating people all day, they'd call you "Doctor Penetration". ...Something's wrong. He's lying, and there's most certainly something wrong. Very wrong. So you do the only thing you know how, kick ass. YOU PUNCH THAT BASTARD IN THE FUCKING FACE SO HARD HE FLIES INTO THE WALL. "Tell me what's REALLY going on, doc" He looks at you, and suddenly smiles. "You're sick Hisao, you should take your medicine" "The only thing I'm SICK of is your fucking lying, you wallowing thunder cunt" "But I'm not lying, you're simply delirious" "I find it hard to believe that everyone in this entire school is sick but you simply because someone forgot to cook the chicken" "You do have a point, I guess I should of worked on a better excuse" "Start talking, before I might blacken out and suddenly wake back up with you drowning in your own urine" "Say, you ever wonder who told your parents about this school? It's not exactly advertised on youtube" "Huh?" "Do you realize how rare your heart case is, I wonder?" "It doesn't happen often" "Correction, the disease you were told to have doesn't happen very often, very true. YOUR disease however, is the only one of it's kind, that it is" "What?" "You have no idea how much I've enjoyed these past few months, enjoy those pills? I

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thought you might." "YOU..." "You truly are a slow one, aren't you? I bet you don't even know about "it"" "The Killer Clown?" "You ever hear the tale of the Holy Grail?" "No. Maybe. Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" "Should I give you a long winded explanation and treat you like a 3 year old, or would you rather figure it out yourself?" "Just fucking tell me" "Naw, I see no reason to, you're ALREADY beginning to bore me. REX!", he turns to the Windows. "Rex"? The hell is that whacko talking aboutTHERE IS A FUCKING DINOSAUR LOOKING AT YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW. "I SAY, WHAT HAVE WE HERE? OH HO HO HO, IT'S YOU. THIS IS TRULY A DELIGHT" "Hmm? You recognize him, Professor Rexicus?" "I QUITE DO, SHALL I DISPOSE OF HIM WITH GUSTO?" "Go right ahead, I wouldn't worry about making a mess", that crazy bastard takes a weird book out with a pentagram on it, "I'm done with this place, they're all in top condition Rex, I made sure of that, so I'll be transferring their life force to you in a matter of minutes" "JOLLY GOOD!", the T-Rex says in delight... "BUT YOU KNOW NOT TO HARM 'THAT' ONE, YES?" "Relax, she'll be just fine" You haven't a clue what's going on, but there's a goddamn Dinosaur outside and a psycho man-nurse inside here. Odds are against you, better make a tactical retreat and start running like a scared little bitch-

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"I DO NOT THINK SO, CHILD OF THE BROKEN HEARTS" The T-Rex slashes his tail through the wall, completely destroying the building. You manage to backflip back, like a badass, but crash headfirst into a locker, like a dumbass. "OH HOW I WAITED FOR THIS DAY TO COME CHILD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PLEASURE THIS ONE WILL ACQUIRE WHEN I GRIT YOUR NECK BETWEEN MY TEETH AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD LIKE FINE WINE" SHIT, how the hell are you suppose to outrun a goddamn TYRANNOSAURUS REX!? The fatigue continues to grow, your heart is as painful as meeting a furry in real life society. Well, not THAT bad you suppose. You cough up blood, dramatically, this sucks. Are you going to die?.... You hope not, you haven't watched the last episode of House, MD. That alone gives you the strength to live. "YOU DISAPPOINT ME, CHILD OF THE BROKEN HEARTS, I EXPECTED MORE FROM ONE SUCH AS YOU. WORRY NOT, I AM MERCIFUL. YOUR DEATH SHALL BE QUICK-" Hah, looks like you really ARE going to die... Well shit, being killed by a T-Rex in a suit with a monocle is an awesome way to go. You can't wait to brag about it... You close your eyes. "Brb, Nurse's Office", you mutter. ....... .......... ............ ............... ................ ..............! "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWW", the dinosaur lets out a scream. There's a motherfucking Ninja star lodged in Professor goddamn Rexicus's left eye. "HISAO!", you hear... Hanako? "H-Hanako?" "Don't worry Hisao, I'll take care of everything" Lilly walks out of the shadows and kneels by you.

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"So please, stay here. We'll protect you." "You know, it's a mans duty to protect the women", you say in your usual fashion, ignoring how confusing all of this is. "You already have", Hanako looks over at you with a smile on her face. "I so want to do you in the pooper right now" "WHO MIGHT YOU BE AND WHY WOULD YOU SAVE THAT WORM? WHAT SAY YOU?" "My name is Lilly, or shall I say, Lillith. And that WORM is OUR friend." "And my name is Hanako, o-or you could call me, Rider" "HAHA, THE LAST SERVANT AND MASTER ARRIVE? BULLY! LET US FINISH THIS TASTELESS WAR! I SHALL GRIND YOUR BONES INTO DUST!" "Rider" "RIGHT!", Hanako charges at Rex. Badass music starts playing in your head, as you watch Hanako throw off her clothes, revealing a black ninja suit... SO THOSE WEREN'T PANTYHOSE SHE HAD ON, THEY WERE PART OF HER OUTFIT. YOU CAN'T FAP TO THIS. "HAAAAAAAAAAH!" Hanako starts barraging Rex with shurikens, but they all bounce off his scales, well a few stick in. "I SAY, POOR PERFORMANCE INDEED, WAS THAT YOUR BEST SHOT?" "Well... Y-yeah." "NO WONDER IT WAS QUITE SO PATHETIC" Hanako sheds a tear as she makes some sort of hand sign, which looks really freaking stupidTHE SHURIKENS EXPLODE. FUCK YES, TAKE THAT, YOU... YOU... DINO NIGGER. The smokes clears... Rex still stands. "THAT DID STING, IN FACT, SO MUCH SO, YOU'VE AROUSED MY ANGER, YOUNG LADY. PERHAPS I SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT TRUE POWER IS?"

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Rexicus points his little arms up and does some snapping sound with his claws. Suddenly, the fabric of space behind him rips... And flying objects begin coming out. PTERODACTYLS? Dozens of Pterodactyls come pouring out and shoot directly at the three of you. "LILLY!", you're not thinking, you're a man dammit, and men don't think. So you grab Lilly and shield her with your body. "NO! HISAO-" A couple of those flying bastards pummel you from behind, each one feeling like you caught a freight train in the anus. "FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK", you cough up blood and fall to the ground. "Hisao..." "Can't talk, painful, manly, don't care, brb sleep" "WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS-" You hear her say as you descend into darkness... Sleep... You need the rest.... Not much you can do at this point anyway. You close your eyes andBut what about Hanako and Lilly? Or the entire school for that matter? They're all in danger... But what can you do? You're just a jerk with a bad heart... "GIVING UP ALREADY, BRO?" Huh? That sounds exactly like youYou open your eyes, you're on the stage of a rock concert. Where the- What- How- Did somebody spike your drink again? You could swear some hot chick made out with your knocked out body that one time, could've been a dog though. "Sup bro."

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You look over... It's you? Wait, it's you with a beard and an eyepatch. "Who are you?" "One who watches over the world" "Godzilla?" "Yes" "Really?" "No" He looks at you directly. "Get your ass kicked?" "Completely" "Ready to man the fuck up?" "Totally" "Right, so here's the abridged version. I'm you from the future, when you're an even more badass rock god. This is another war for some bullshit magical item that hacks the entire universe and gives you anything you want. Even a young Angelina Jolee." "Go on..." "That Raptor guy nearly killed me and sealed me inside your heart" "Alright..." "Now I'm gonna give you my powers and you're gonna fucking murder everyone and save some hot bitches" "Cool" "Any questions?" "Yeah, who do I lose my virginity to?" "You don't"

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";_;" "Just fucking with you" He looks at you seriously. "Embrace your soul, Hisao. EMBRACE YOUR BROS. EMBRACE YOUR SIS'S. EMBRACE ETERNITY!" YOUR BODY FEELS LIKE IT'S GETTING STRONGER AND STRONGER, HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER. ....You wake up... Lilly's on the ground in pain. Hanako is standing up, bloodied. "IT LOOKS LIKE I WIN YET AGAIN, FOOLISH WENCHES" He raises his foot"Hey Professor Dipshit" "Hmm?", he looks over at you. "Do you still love Mother Nature? Despite what she's done to you?" "SIR, YOU SPEAK OUT OF LINE" "I think it's about time I kicked your ass back to Jurassic Park" "HA! AND HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT, YOU PRETENTIOUS LITTLE CHILD?" "With the power, OF ROCK!" You release the power coming from your palms, twin Electric Guitars appear in your hands. One white, one black. "Tenacious of the Heavens! And Dee of the Hells!" "HAVE AT YOU! CHILD OF THE BROKEN HEARTS!" You charge at the same time Rex does, you smash the Guitars against the force of his tackle causing a guitar rip of spectacular proportions. "OOF!" You get pushed back. The Guitars are simply not powerful enough. The words... The words in your mind begin making sense. As if the guitars are translating it

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for you.. 'I am the boner of my pants.' You begin chanting with a deepened voice. "I WILL NOT HAVE THIS!", Rex begins his charge again. 'Steel is my shaft, and fire is my semen.' You jump, avoiding Rex's attack as you land next to Hanako, who's staring at you in disbelief. 'I have created over a thousand used tissues.' "H-Hisao...?" 'Unknown to vagina's.' Lilly looks your way and smiles. 'Nor known orally.' "THE AFTERLIFE AWAITS YOU, HEATHEN!" 'Have withstood pain to create many climaxes.' "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 'Yet, those hands will never grope anything.' "YOOOOUUU WIIIILLLLL DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!", Rex screams as he is upon you. 'So as I pray, 'UNLIMITED BRO WORKS!' The world distorts, Giant Brofists appear out of the floor as the ground turns to sand. "NAHNEE!?" "DIE MONSTER! YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!" You say as you snap your fingers. "GATES OF BROBYLON!"

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Suddenly, hundreds of Brofists appear out of the fabric of space. "I DO NOT THINK SO, HUMAN!" Rex summons his Pterodactyls. "MARVEL IN THIS!" Rex snaps his claws yet again, and the Pterodactyls burst aflame. The flaming Dinosaurs shoot at you like a hail of fireballs. "Pathetic Rex, simply pathetic" The Brofists smashes the scaly birds away in explosions of manliness and broness. They collide, hundreds at a time. It's like fireworks on crack. Explosions fill the air, You and Rex merely stare at each other. This spectacle is amusing, but it's time you faced that Dinosaur Mano a Mano. You charge at each other. He slashes the ground with his tail, but you manage to jump over it, and using the momentum, you Uppercut the Scaly Monstrosity in the jaw. "UGH", he utters as he moves back in pain. "Why do you do this, Rex? What could you possibly want out of whatever this entire thing's about?" "Simple, I will bring back my Race into this land, and rule over it once again." "Dinosaurs had their chance, and they destroyed themselves" "Is mankind truly so different, young man? I only wish to get my family and friends back. You have no right to deny me this" "I will as long as you threaten the human race" "Then so be it, you will fall along with your pitiful excuse for a species." "One shall stand." "One shall indeed fall" You summon a couple of Brofists by your side.

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"It's time to teach you, the Brofist of the North Star" "HAVE AT YOU!" "WWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH" You assume Kenshiro's stance and the brofists mimic your hands. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA TATATATATATATATATA" You pummel Rexicus's body with all your fists. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HHHHHHHHH!" Your final blow reaches Rex's heart, breaking it. "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGG" You turn away from Rex. "I-I guess Mankind really is the superior ones... Good show, old chap, good show" "Superior? No. It was your heart Professor, it was broken before I even placed my fist there" "I have a request, Child of the Broken Hearts, watch after my daughter... Rin" "No." "What?" "Oh sorry, I meant yes" Rex, begins fading away. "HOLD ON, WILL YOU?" The Nurse appears before Rex. "I ain't done yet, that I'm not." "It's over, you silly looking bastard, I've won"

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"Sorry, sore loser and all that" You summon all the brofists you can and send them at that psychotic nurse. ....He throws out his creepy looking book and absorbs them in a vacuum of lame faggotry... "HEHEHE CHECK THIS OUT HISAO!" He opens the book at Rexicus and all the power within it shoots into the dying Dinosaur. It reforms Rex.... He grows several times his size, huge gears grow out of his shoulders. And his skin turns into metal. "CHECK OUT MY SERVENT HISAO, ARCHER, OR SHOULD I SAY- METAL GEAR REXICUS!" The crazed asshole flies onto Rex's now enormous back. You're out of Brofists, and you simply don't have the energy to summon your twin guitars Tenacious and Dee. Well, you're fucked now. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA", the power coming from your heart fills yourself with manliness. "IT'S TIME!", you say as you place your palms together. "ROCK! TENACIOUS DEE!" THIS is YOUR Bankai. The Guitars intertwine to form a quadruple air guitar, one string can set ablaze anything in it's path. "WHY DO YOU CONTINUE THIS BULLSHIT, NURSE?" "It's a school full of disabled people, really, I'm doing them a favor" "THEY'RE LIVES, LIVING BREATHING PEOPLE, AND YOU WOULD COMMIT SUCH A UNFORGIVABLE ACT FOR MERCY?" "Mercy? Naw, their souls will supe up Rex, that they would. But it looks like you're already done that, haven't you? Don't worry, I'll still kill everyone at that school. Shits and giggles and all that" "I don't think I'm gonna let you leave here alive"

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"You can think all you want, I have a 30 story's high robot T-Rex with an infinite amount of pterodactyls and a Grail's power that rivals the gods themselves" "You can have all the power of the universe, but you aren't jack shit if you can't rock" You begin playing the greatest guitar song in the universe, a song the directly stimulates every soul in existence. Your Guitar flies you around Rex, avoiding flaming pterodactylsUntil Rexicus shoots laser beams from he gentlemanly monocle. You fall a great distance and land on your arm, breaking it. "GAH!" "That was fast, that it was. You're really quite pathetic" "Go fuck yourself, man-nurse" Rex's Monocle begins charging up... DAMMIT, YOU CAN'T MOVE! "STOP!" Rin comes running into view. "Rin? How'd you get here?" "I followed some song into a trashcan" "Snoogins" She looks up at the Professor with tears in her eyes. Damn, Rin's sad face is killing you inside. "..." "..." "....." "........" "I suppose you want me to stop then, right girl?" "That would be my first wish" "I will not"

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"Why's that?" "That man will die by my hands, it's quite simple-" You used the conversation between the two as a distraction and shoot your way to the top. The Guitar falls apart the moment you reach the top, confronting Nurse-man with your bare hands. "Ohoho, this will be quit interesting" "Not really, I'm gonna break your arms and legs and then break your neck" "You're full of confidence" "You're full of shit" He rips his shirt, dramatically. Shit just got real. You throw your shirt to the ground and walk towards him. "Beat me with one arm? You're a fucking loony Hisao, your are quite" "One's enough for you" He charges at you and punches you straight in the forehead. Blood comes down but you don't flinch. You just stand there looking straight. "Huh?" You nonchalantly grab his arm and twist it around until it snaps. "AHHHHHHHHHH!" He throws his other fist at you, you grab it before it connects and rip through the flesh with your fingers. "AAHHHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA", he screams like a little girl. You break his arm in two and kick his legs out from underneath him. Placing your hand around his neck, you squeeze until his eyes begin to pop out. "STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP" "You want me to stop?"

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"YES-" "Not gonna happen" You break his neck with your bare goddamn hand, and throw him off the edge of Rexicus. "I say, it looks like I'm quite screwed" The energy coming from Rexicus slowly melts away, leaving him bloodied and HEARTBROKEN. He begins fading away... "Rin...", he says as he looks over at the armless one. "Yes...?" "I love you" He completely fades away into the dust.... Touching moment. "Hisao" "Yes, Lilly?" "Nice job" "I believe I've earned myself a blowjob" She looks at your crooked. "It doesn't HAVE to be from you." In the end, the world you made faded away and the school was back to normal. Everyone started getting their strength back. And the world goes back to the way it was. As you walk up towards your room, shirt off, bloodied and battered. Misha asks you, "Anything interesting happen? Wahaha" You respond, "Same old, same old"

MANLY END

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Heavens Grope
Twas the night before Caturday, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even"OH MY GOD, I JIZZED MYSELF IN MY SLEEP", you yell as you wake up. The sun outside is completely covered by clouds as you look out the window. A cool breeze comes through your window, makes you want to pee. "WHAT A GLORIOUS MORNING!", you comment in your best Irish accent. You take a cold shower, heat up some Kool Aid, drink some Toaster Stroodles, and snort powdered sugar through a straw. "AW YEAH GURL, GIMME THE SUGAR" You dangle on some teared up pants, put on the only shirt without ketchup stains, wear a Godfather hat with a feather sticking out, and slip on your pink bunny slippers. STYLIN'... But you better just wear on your school uniform. Saturday. What to do? It appears you're completely out of Cheetos and Soft Batch Cookies. Might be a good idea to go into town. You walk to the door and put your hand on the knobSOMETHING'S WRONG. SOMETHING IS EXTREMELY WRONG. What usually happens right now? What usually happens... THAT MAT, WHERE IS THAT FUCKING DOOR MAT? Oh, that's right, you chucked it at Misha yesterday and walked away humming the theme to Escape from New York. When she yelled your name, you turned around and said in a grizzled voice "CALL ME SNAKE, DUH-NA-NA-NA". Since you're on your way out, you COULD drop by somewhere and continue your quest for the Holy Grail. Also search for that missing picture of your tallywhacker. You took a picture of yourself when you were really messed up one night and lost the image somewhere, you asked everywhere if anyone saw your penis, but did they help? NOOOOOOOO, they just looked at you funny.

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Morning. Lilly loves mornings, morning tea, morning birds chirping, morning smell. She's a morning person. The air smells clean, and the environment feels as serene as a creak flowing in the spring... Until she hears a sound coming from outside the window"PSYCHO CRUSHER!", you yell as you smash threw the tea room's window. "AH!", Lilly screams, not knowing exactly what's going on. "LILLY! GET DOWN, THERE'S SNIPERS EVERYWHERE!" "W-wha?" "Damn you're slow, Lilly. If there really had been snipers outside, you'd be taking a dirt nap by now" She breathes softly, "Good Morning Hisao" "Morning hotness" "Did you just break the windows again?" "Yeah, how'd you replace them so fast?" "Hired some immigrant who said some very odd things, Ge-oss this, and Ge-oss that. It wasn't very pleasant" "SORRY, WASN'T LISTENING. TOO BUSY DRINKING TEA. OH MY GOD, THIS TEA IS SO GOOD. SO GOOD. HHHHMMMMMMMMMMM, MMMMM MMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMM" "Excuse me?" "Just making sure you're awake" "You're weird, Hisao" You drop your empty glass to the ground. "Oops, you mind picking that up, Lilly? It's next to your left foot" "Sure, Hisao"

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She bends over, searching for the glass with her hands. DAT ASS! "Found it" "Nice job Lilly-" You drop another tea cup. "OOPS, sorry, I seemed to have knocked over another one, it's closer to you, Lilly" "You sure are clumsy today..." "Butterfingers!" She gets on all fours and starts feeling around. Your pants tighten. Her breasts, her ass, her legs, MAGNIFICENT. "Yes! I found it" She gets up and walks over to the table. "That was hard" "IT IS NOT- Oh, I mean great work, Lilly." "Oh, Hisao, are you hungry?" "Eh?" "Emi dropped some snacks by yesterday, would you like anything?" "NO, I'M ON A DIET. I'M FAT." "R-really?" "Naw, just messing with you, sure, what do you have?" "Some Cracker Jacks, Snickers, Peanut Butter Cups, and strangely, Slim Jims. What would you like to eat?" "I want to eat Lilly" "Eh?" "Just fucking with you, give me those Peanut Butter Cups"

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She hands you candy crack. "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM", you yell as you stuff your fat fucking face. "H-Hisao?" You place your hand on her chest without a thinking. "...?" "HONK HONK" "HISAO, STOP THAT AT ONCE" "You got it, Lilly. Say are you getting tired? AHHHHHHHH~ I'm beat", you say as you stretch your arms in the air and then put your arm around Lilly. "*SNRK*", Lilly begins cracking up. "LAUGHING SEE...? BLAH SEE! YOU WERE GOOD WOMAN, GOOD, BUT WITH ME AROUND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE SECOND BANANA, SEE?", you say in your best Capone impression. She continues to chuckle at your stupid antics. If you can make a girl laugh, you're iiiiiiiin"Oh, sorry Hisao, I really must be somewhere right now. There's a meeting of utmost importance" "There's a meeting of utmost importance in my pants, and you're the HEAD speaker" "No, it really is quite important", she puts on a strict face and walks out the door in a hurry. "FINE! I DON'T NEED YOU! I'LL MAKE MY OWN BLIND WAIFU, WITH WAFFLES, AND VISION!" "Hey bro, what the hell?", your balls say to you. "Sorry friend, I failed you.", you shed a manly tear. "BUT YOU WILL BE AVENGED! I WILL NOT STOP TODAY UNTIL I GET LAID!" "Thank you bro, I'll go back to sticking to your leg now" You peel them off and walk out the door.

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Time to head into town"Ah, Hisao", the clerk greets you. "Mister Cockadock, how's business?" "Getting worse, a bunch of ruffians keep scaring away customers" "Call that Po-Po?" "I can't, one of the girls is providing the Police Chief with sexual favors. They're pretty much shielded by the LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALWWWWWWW" "THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!?" "THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALWWWWWWWW WWWW" "Well, you don't have to worry about me going away any time soon, I'm much too stupid to listen to reason" "Yeah, I kinda figured that out when I found out you ordered boxes of cat and dog food" "What's so weird about-" "You don't have pets" "FUCK YOU, KIBBLES AND BITS ARE AWESOME" "Let me take a wild guess, Cheetos and Cookies?" "AND condoms" He begins laughing his face off "What?" "YOU? HAVING SEX? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" "That wounds my manhood, Cockadock, that wounds" "Here you go" He hands you a box of shorties.

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"These are for two inch penises?" "You're Japanese, aren't you?" "Fuck you" "You'd like that, wouldn't you fruitcake?" You continue battling the wise sage Dick von Cockadock in a battle of wits, but lose... The sun's trying to shine as you walk outside, that's totally GAAAAAAAY. "S-Stop!" Hmm? You hear a familiar voice? "What? You don't want to share~", you hear a snobbish voice. You look over to see Hanako with shopping bags and a blonde bitch looking school girl, and she has Hanako's Starbursts in her hands. "T-Those are for my friend!" "Whaaat? I'm not your friend?" "W-well..." You forgot how frightened Hanako is around other people, considering how used to you she's gotten.... Ack, you hate girls like that, prissy bitches who think they're worth something in society simply because that learned how to suck cock at an early age. "GIVE THAT BACK!", Hanako screams. "Yelling isn't very nice, I think I'm gonna have to shut the whore mouth of yours up", that blond bitch says as she stuffs the entire candy bar, wrapper and all, into Hanako's mouth. "MMMMMMHHHRRRRHHH!", Hanako screams in a muffled state. Hmm... What should you do in this situation? You walk over to the girl and PUNT HER SO FUCKING HARD IN THE CUNT, HER WOMB IMPLODES! "GAAAAAH, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, BUTTHEAD?"

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"Call me Snake, DUH-NA-NA-NA" "Ah... You're from THAT school", she calms down. "The greatest fucking school in the world, bitches better believe" "Oh...? Let me guess, you're mentally retarded?" "Well I did headbutt my fair share of garbage trucks" "I can't think of any other reason why you'd even TOUCH me" "I can think of many, actually" "You have no idea WHO I am, do you?" "Not really, I don't take the time to remember most ignorant cunt's names" "I'M THE GIRLFRIEND OF THE LEADER OF THE GIRAFFE BIKER GANG" "And a whore" "SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, YOU FAGGOT" "How come all stupid bitches use the same three insults over and over again? Homosexuality, Rectum and Small penis, and Mother-" "I OUTTA KILL THE FUCK OUTTA THAT STUPID BITCH OF A MOTHER FOR RAISING SUCH A SMALL-DICKED FAGGOT, ASSHOLE" "It's like I'm really psychic, you alright, Hanako?" You look over towards Hanwana who's spitting out Starbursts. She looks at you with saddened eyes. "Do one more thing to me, I daaaaaare you, and I'll call-" "Your boyfriend, right? I get it, not strong enough to handle things on your own. That's what happens when you fail first grade math", you say as you walk away and kneel down to Hanako. Hanako's... hurt? Did she get beaten the fuck up by that psycho bitch? You'd be raging right now if you were a White Knight- Oh wait, you just rescued Hanako from suffocating on Starbursts and more than likely condemned yourself to an asskicking by a bunch of semiretarded Bikers and more than likely a star quarterback leader with your luck.

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Oh well, shit happens. You lift Hanako up and begin walking away, back towards the whore. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING? I'M NOT DONE WITH YOUUUUU", bitch's whiny voice could destroy windows. "I am" You walk towards the school... "Hisao, I'm sorry.." "Shit happens" "Hey Hanako, you got your phone handy?" "Y-yeah...?" "Call Kenji's phone number, 1-069-666-BROS, and tell him to meet me in the junk yard" "Why.. Hisao?" "Because those fucking Motorheads are coming our way" You avert Hanako's gaze at the rising smoke from afar. Gang of faggy bikers, not cool bikers with beards and beer guts, but dipshits on crotch rockets and gay looking Harley's. "Hide in the alley, I'll lure them into the Junkyard on the far side of the town" "I should c-come with you-" "HAHAHAHA" "Wh-what?" "Nothing, do me just one favor, would you?" "Anything, Hisao" "Sing me 'Everyday's great at your Junes'" "?" You try your best to mimic the puppy dog stare.

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"E-Everyday's great at your J-Junes?" "LOUDER" "EVERYDAY'S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES!" "NOW I'M UNBEATABLE! By the way, when this is all over, come to my room, will ya?" "....Alright, Hisao" She runs into the alleyway, and you begin running on the sidewalk until you find a ladder. Now you're jumping from rooftop to rooftop, LIKE A NINJA"FFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK", you misjudge a jump and fall straight down into an alleyway like a freaking idiot. The birds flying around your head mock you, as you quickly lose consciousness.... "WAKE UP BITCH", some dickhead says to you as he slams you in the stomach. OOF... You wake up... you're tied up? This is bad... "HAHAHA, that was pretty funny you falling from the roof like that", the leader says as he walks into your line of sight. Big guy, Big muscles, Slicked back blonde hair with earings... What a complete tool. "Pretty funny nipple rings you have on your ears" "Still talking shit?", he says as he punches you in the face. The pain starts to swell on your cheek. Your RAGE builds up. "I may be talking shit, but you're full of it" "Funny guy, you know why you're here, funny guy?" "To tutor you in your ABC's?" "You upset my GURLFRIEND, and nobody harms my girl", he says in a dumb tone. "Sorry, wasn't listening, distracted by how fucking stupid you are" "YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID" "Ouch, that hurt, you should totally get into debating, also brushing your teeth more than once a year might help your breathe"

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"You think?" "Not really, you're not gonna have your teeth for much longer anyway" "HA! You gonna PUNCHEM out?" "Me? No. I lack the psysical ability. I'm going to pull them out with pliers" "Huh?" "You couldn't have picked a worse spot to start polluting my mind with your worm-like IQ. The JUNK yard is full of useful tools, you know" "TODD, QUIT TALKING TO HIM AND START HITTING HIIIIIIM", that blonde bitch appears behind him. "Hey there Half-pint, how about you untie me and we have a 15-way with everyone here, I realize that's a smaller number than usual, but your friend there looks like he's packing a python" You get punched so hard your face swells upon impact. He continues pummeling you for a couple seconds. "What... Tired already big guy? Maybe you should start feeding your brain and not your ass." "Know what? Rip his balls off instead, Toddy-poo~" "With pleasure, baby" "Hey bitch, remember when I said you shouldn't have failed first grade math?" "The fuck on you on about, buttwipe?" "Count how many people are here, now remember the number of tools I just inquired about" "...Uh... There's 14 people here, but you said 15? So what, you say I'm the fucking stupid one here but you can't even count better than m-" "Hehehe...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", you begin laughing maniacallly. "Two things, one, I have friends of my own-" A CADILLIAC CRASHES THROUGH. A couple of the pricks get taken out by the impact.

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"And two, your boyfriend can't tie a knot much like how his huge schlong can't fit inside the black hole that is your vagina", you say as you spring from the tied up chair, and throw use crash the object against the big dumb monkey. "It's on now, RIGHT KENJI!" Kenji emerges out of his car, with brass knuckles in both his hands. "Let's rock, Hisao" The two of you take your shirts off and go back to back, fists raises up. Ten on two, not counting the useless bitches they have around. "I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU LITTLE SHIT-", on them charges at you. You rider kick him to the fucking ground. "AAAAAAAAHHHHH", they rush. Kenji smashes one of them in the face with his brass knuckles, knocking him out instantly. Another comes behind him, but Kenji is nearly blind, and that leads to increased awareness. He throws his elbow around and breaks the greasemonkey's nose. A skinny guy whips out a knife and lunges at you, but you kick the knife out of his hand and grab hold of his ear rings. You rip them off. "AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH", you yells as you punch him out. A bigger guy charges at you with a brick in his hand, so you take the knife and throw it at his kneecap, causing him to kneel down in pain. You rush knee him in the face into the wall of an old Mustang. Two pricks charge at Kenji, but he merely sidesteps them and elbows them both in the back of the fucking neck. One of them falls, but the other pulls out a lead pipe. He begins swinging it wilding at Kenji, but it gets blocked by the Brass Knuckles. "HHHHHHIIIYYYYYYAAAA", Kenji screams as he punches threw the pipe and into the Biker's face. It causes a bone crunching noise. "IT'S JUST YOU 'N ME NOW, BITCH", the boss comes at you, still bleeding from the chair you broke over him. "I think that would be a sign to run, you really aren't too smart, are you?"

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"LOOK AT YOU, I'M TWICE YER SIZE, SHRIMP" "Twice the size, half the man" He charges at you, you charge at him. Unfortunately, his tackle sends you flying into the opposing wall. "HAAAARRRRRGGGGG", you grunt. Your heart can't take much more of this... The Biker Boss begins charging at you yet again. BUT YOU JUST PLAYED DEAD RISING! So you charge right back at him and jump as he reaches you, grabbing his face as you sing Gone Guru and using your momentum in air, you faceplant him into the ground so goddamn hard, blood shoots everywhere. You and Kenji put your shirts back on and walk back over to his car... Which still freaks you out because he's ALMOST BLIND. The bitch stares at you in disbelief, So you stare back at her with cold eyes... She pisses herself. Oh, you almost forgot. His teeth need prying... Huh, nevermind, it looks like his teeth are already in the fucking ground. Still, you should do something badass... You stand firm. You look straight at the men you just conquered both mentally and psychically. You point your might finger at them, causing them to freeze in their place. "YOU..." They stare at you with their mouths wide open. "...ARE SMALL-TIME" They don't move, they stare at you with fear. You turn your back. "Don't ever go to Mr. Cockadock's place again, and don't you dare mess with anyone from

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my school" You looks over your shoulder, so you know it looks frightening. "Or I'm gonna come back, bring pliers, and add your pearly whites to my collection" You walk over to Kenji, who has a few bruises here and there. You place your hand on his shoulder. "Thanks bro" "We just owned some feminist wenches as well, so I'm glad to help, Hisao" The two of you brofist. "...Mind if I drive?" "She IS a beauty, isn't she?-" The two of you drive back to the school. You depart at the gates, you're pretty messed up. You need rest. The doorway seems narrower than usual, and you're stumbling. It's time for a good long napBut you notice grocery bags by your door...? You open your door, and walk into your room. Hanako is on your bed, bandaged up, sleeping... Lilly is next to her. "Hisao...?" "Hotness." "Hanako told me everything" "Then she told you about that baby-" "What?" "Just messing with you, I'm kinda tired right now... Mind if I sit down?" "Hisao..?", Hanako wakes up.

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"Crispy." She jumps at you and hugs you. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW.... But you kinda smell right now. "Yeah, I'm awesome and you wanna do me right now and all that, but I'm kinda sore" "I-I'll get the First Aid Kit!" "Naw, I just need rest." You lay down on the bed, and relaxHanako lays next to you. "Down Fido" "I'm just gonna help you relax, I'm tired too" "AWWWWWW You're gonna sleep with me without any actual intercourse? I could cuddle you into a coma" "I'm a wee bit tired myself", Lilly says as she looks over your way. "My bed's big enough for three, but I have a rule that you absolutely must adhere to" "That is?" "Sleep in your underwear" "NO!" "Suit yourself, I'm stripping-" The three of you bicker into the night. You get comfortable in bed together, women seek comfort, you seek women, It's a win-win. You didn't quite get laid, which makes you RAGE, but you feel like you've accomplished something else today. What that is you don't know. But it fills you with pride... You close your eyes. MANLY END NUMBER 2

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The Big Lebroski

ON ANOTHER DAY C'MON C'MON WITH THESE ROPES I TIED CAN WE DO NO WRRRROOOOONNNGGG NOW WE GRIEVE CAUSE NOW IS GONE THINGS WERE GOOD WHEN WE WERE YOOOUUUUNNNNGGGGG You wake up with that goddamn song playing in your head, it drives you insane not knowing the artist. There's cheering and merriment outside... THE BASTARDS, HOW DARE PEOPLE HAVE FUN. Ah yes, that's right, there's suppose to be a festival or something today. Must be what Lilly had to do yesterday when she blew you off in the non sexual kind of way, THE WORST WAY, WHICH PISSES YOU OFF EVEN MORE. THOSE PEOPLE DOWN THERE ARE HAVING FUN AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR BLUE BALLSEh? Why does your bed smell so pretty.. and medium rare? You look under your sheetsLILLY AND HANAKO! YOU FORGOT TO WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND MOLEST THEIR SLEEPING BODIES. YOU FAILURE. The bruises and cuts on your body seem to have healed up for the most part though, but you're still in a truckload of pain. You got into a fight with a bunch of Bikers yesterday, something about math and Starbursts... Your head hurts. "Hisao...?", Hanako opens her eyes wearily. "..." "....." "........" "....AH!", she screams as she gets up, must be as confused as you are in the mornings. "NO HANAKO! DO NOT LOOK! I'M NOT DECENT!", you say mockingly. "H-HISAO WE DIDN'T" "I was inside you Hanako" "AH!"

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"I filled you up like a gas pump" "NO!" "Naw, just fucking with you." She punches you in the arm. "EEEAAASSYYYY, we all just conked out on the bed, nothing happened." "Morning...", Lilly says as she gets upWITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON. "PROMOTIONS!", you yell as you lift your arms up in the air. "Excuse me?" "YOU HAVE UPPER MANAGEMENT WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR BODY, LILLY" She looks your way, perplexed. "You insisted I sleep in my underwear, remember?", she says as she gets dressed. "I've insisted a lot of things actually" Hanako falls back down and sighs, looks like she's still tired from yesterdays overload of manliness. She seems down. NOBODY PUTS A SAD FACE ON UNDER YOUR WATCH. You place a pillow underneath your shirt. "HANAKO, LILLY, WE'RE SUMO WRESTLING" ""Wh-What?"" You stuff pillows underneath their shirts- much to their dismay. You belly bump Hanako. "H-Hisao, stop it" "NEVER" You charge at Hanako again, and she charges back at you. The two of you fly back from the collision.

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"T-This... is actually kinda fun" "Let me take a crack at it", Lilly charges at where she heard you crash. The two of you exchange body blows. "Hahaha, this IS a spectacle" "NOW YOU UNDERSTAND MY GENIUS, I HAVE TAUGHT YOU WELL, YOUNG PADAWANS" The three of you mess around for a couple more minutes. The festival is going on below you. Be a shame to let it go unmolested. You put on your Rorschach costume and move towards the door. "Hisao...?", Hanako says to you. "Oh yeah, you don't like crowds you do? Want me to bring you back something" She nods. "Stuffed animal..?" "No.." "Cotton Candy?" "No thanks.." "A good long dicking?" "NO!" "Then what?" "I.. I want..." "You want..." "I want a lolipop" "Lolipop?"

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"Lolipop" "OH LOLI LOLI LOLIPOP, DUM DUM DUM DUMM" "Huh?" "Yeah I'll getcha one, HURM" You exit, begin talking Rorschach, find kids having fun. "Hey mister!" "WERE YOU MOLESTED?" "N-No?" "WHERE DID THEY TOUCH YOU BOY" "You sure are strange mister", the kids have your attention. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "Waitin' in line to catch gold fish!" "THEN I WILL TOO" "Do you have to shout so loudly, mister?" "ALL THE GOLD FISH WILL LOOK UP TO ME AND SHOUT, SAVE US. AND I WILL WHISPER, NO..." "Are you eating cat food?" "HURM" After failing to catch gold fish and making the kids laugh their asses off, you head off to find something else to eat. "GOT ANY BEANS?" "All we have is ice cream" "GOT ANY BEAN FLAVORED ICE CREAM?" "No..."

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"GOT ANY BEAN FLAVORED SPRINKLES?" "No sir, anything else you want?" "WHERE IS THE JOKER!?" "W-what?" "Oh sorry, wrong movie. GIVE ME ROCKY ROAD" You snort the ice cream with your nose. "AHHH... THAT'S THE STUFF" "Mister.. what are you doing?" "GO AWAY KID, I'M FIGHTING CRIME" You pause, where's your mask? You took it off to eat your food. You look at the kid with fire in your eyes. "WHERE'S MY FACE!?" He pisses himself. The festival was a great success. Oh hey, there's Shizune, you hardly ever talk to her anymore. "I GREET YOU WITH A HANDSHAKE", you announce as you shake Shizune's hand. She gets your greeting. You researched a couple of hand signs on the internet awhile back... TIME FOR A TESTDRIVE. You sign to her "Hey Shizune, how are you?" She smiles and signs back "I'm well, how are you?" You sign to her "I AM HISAO, DESTROYER OF CUNTS" She looks at your perplexed and signs "Beg your pardon?" You sign to her "Oh sorry, messed up my hand signs."

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She looks at you with a uneasy look. You sign "Do you want to", and then put your finger into a hole you make with your index and thumb. She looks at you and raises her middle finger. You walk into an alleyway with some snacks and assorted objects in a bag. Jeez, Hanako's Lollipop costed an arm and a leg. You better get a blowjob for this-... ? ! !? KENJI'S LAYING DOWN IN A POOL OF BLOOD IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU RUSH OVER TO KENJI! ...He's still breathing. "KENJI MAN, WHAT HAPPENED!?" "Hisao?... It was horrible man. I found out there was a prime location... for a female conspiracy over by the old church, so I went to investigate... IT WAS HORRIBLE HISAO! HORRRIBLE!" He coughs blood on you... EW. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN- Ah, there are more important things to be thinking about. "Calm down bro, and tell me what happened." "There was a convention..." "A Convention?" "A FURRY convention" "FURRIES....!" "I tried to fend them off bro, sorry... I let you down-" He grunts as he slowly fades away. "KENJI! HANG IN THERE MAN, YOU'RE GONNA GET FIXED RIGHT UP-"

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"Hisao, do me a favor... kill those motherfuckers for me..." You grasp Kenji hand hard as he holds it up. "They will pay brother" "Good.. Good... Well then. Let me say the one thing I always wanted to say as I die..." "I'm all ears... Kenji" "WITH MY DYING BREATHE, I CURSE ZOIDBERG...!" You feel Kenji's life fade away, and drop his hand to the ground. "FURRIES..." "Hisao." Rin walks behind you, looks like she was there the whole time. "Rin." "You're going to kill those freaks, aren't you?" "Yeah" "I can't very well blame you, so I gotcha something that might help" She throws you keys with her foot. "You stole another car, didn't you?" "A Motorcycle actually" "How the- Nevermind, thank you, Rin" "Also take this" She throws you a real life hand grenade. "..." "...." "......"

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"..Rin, where'd you get a Hand grenade?" "I don't know"

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Revenge of the Brofist

YESTERDAY, ON KATAWA BROUJO. Our hero finds himself dressed as Rorschach committing shenanigans around the school's annual festival. After snorting ice cream and urinating in the Gold Fish pots, you find yourself walking through an alleyway, carrying stuff you Bought...ish... hoping to receive sexual favors as payment from Hanako as you deliver a lollipop to her. But not even the thought of her charred tongue around you penis can prepare you for what you find? ! !? There's a body on the ground slowly bleeding to death in front of you... It's.... KENJI!? "KENJI!" ...He's still breathing. "KENJI MAN, WHAT HAPPENED!?" "Hisao?... It was horrible man...", he coughs loudly. "I found out there was this prime location... for a female conspiracy over by the old church, so I went to investigate... IT WAS TERRIBLE! HORRIBLE! UNGODFUL!" He coughs blood on you... EW. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN"Calm down bro, and tell me what happened." "There was some Convention..." "A Convention?" "A FURRY convention" "FURRIES....!"

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"Some guy... dressed in a fox suit... asked me if I wanted to Yiff. I punched him in the fucking face and ran towards the doorway.... But there were too many" "GOOD GOD" "I tried... to fend them off..." He grunts as he slowly fades away. "Sorry... I let you down" "KENJI! HANG IN THERE MAN, YOU'RE GONNA GET FIXED RIGHT UP-" "Hisao, do me a favor... kill those fucking faggots for me..." Kenji holds up his hand, you grasp it. "They will pay brother, they will pay" "Hey man... I'm kinda happy, you know what they say about dying? About their being some light at the end of a gay little tunnel?" "Yeah.." "It's the first time I've ever seen anything so clearly before in my life.... It's beautiful." He sheds a single tear underneath his bloodied glasses and closes his eyes... as the life from his hand disappears. You let it drop to the ground, and pick up Kenji's scarf. You grasp it tight, and tie it around your arm. You get up as you notice there's someone behind you... NINJAS!? No wait, it's Rin, with a bin, full of tin. "Hisao, here catch" She throws you something with her toes. "Car keys?" "It's not a car, it's a Motorcycle. You need it more than I do right now" "I SHOULD ask why you keep stealing vehicles and how you drove a motorcycle here, but quite frankly, I just don't give a fuck"

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You stuff the keys into your pants, and walk to the end of the alley. "Also Hisao, take this" She throws you something else with her feet... A HAND GRENADE!? "..." "....." "......" "........." "..Rin where'd you get a hand grenade?" "I don't know" You gather up your stuff and walk to the Motorcycle Rin parked outside somehow, a stolen Black Crotch rocket....? You sigh, but you're in a hurry. Those furry bastards might start infecting the town very soon. You drive to your room, kick open the door-and SLIP ON THAT GODDAMN DOOR MAT. "WHAT THE FUCK, I THOUGHT I THREW YOU OUT" "Play with me Hisao, for ever and ever", the Mat looks at you with malice. "Not today, bitch", you pick up the piece of crap and toss it outside. You hear a car crash... Hanako's on your bed... That's right, you told her to stay here while she healed up from yesterday's fiasco with the Bikers. Truthfully, it was because you thought you'd get laid, and now here you are with blue balls. "H-Hisao!? What's wrong", Hanako says to you as you start getting shit together. "A lot's wrong, and I'm gonna go fix it" "Where are you going to go?" You look at her with fire in your eyes. "Hunting"

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You place a couple handguns with a few magazines in your backpack, then a can of hairspray and a lighter, a compact shotgun with some shells, a hunting knife, Rin's grenade, and a House MD movie poster.... For something to believe in. You think about putting on the badass leather trench coat... But then you realize how fucking stupid it looked on you. "HISAO! S-STOP!" "Hanako, trust me" "...T-Trust you..?" "Just believe in me", you say as you smile and give her a thumbs up. "..Alright... Hisao" Hmmm..... You need a plan of action. You shouldYou put on your sneaking gear, you stole it from some war vet when he was deep down in a puddle of his own urine, drunk. If only you visited /k/ more often, you might've found out how to make a homemade silencer for your pistol. Oh well, guess you'll just have to slit some throats. Gun. Knife. GUNKNIFE. If Big Boss was wrong, you don't want to be right. "Hanako, do me a favor, will ya?" "Y-Yeah?" "Strip down and suck my cock with your dirty little mouth" "W-WHAT!?" "Kidding, mind being my navigator? The Furry compound should be over by the old church if Kenji was right. Shouldn't be too hard to find the blueprints on google, and maybe some useless gun trivia." "How do I contact you?" "NANOMACHINES!"

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"NANOMACHINES!?" "NANOOOOOMMAAAAACCCHHHHIIIIINNNNEEEESSSS!" She stares at you blankly. "Just use your phone" You drive there manly-like... Hmmm? You seem to have some company....THOSE BIKERS FROM THE OTHER DAY! "HAHA, WE GOT YOU NOW TWERP", Tod the rod says to you through his bandages. "Hold up there big guy, I need you help" "Ouuuuur help~?", that blonde bitch appears behind him. "You should put your woman in her place, Tod", you say to the leader of a biker gang you beat the fuck out of. "WHAT'S IN IT FOR US?" "Nothing" "Nothiiinnngg? That's not how deal's work" "I'm aware how deal's work, half pint" You clear your throat. "There's a Furry Convention going on at the old church uptown" ""FURRIES!?"", the both scream as the entire gang looks your way. "Furries. And if you have any shred of humanity left, you will help me slaughter the bastards before they infect the entire city with faggotry" "...I see. So you need OUR help, huh?" "I think you should give us a reward if we choose to~" "You can have this bike" "MUST BE WORTH A PRETTY PENNY, HE HE HE"

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"Not really, it's- Uh.. I mean, yeah sure. I saved up for it for years" "Deal~!" "DEAL, BUT I AIN'T DOIN IT CAUSE I WANT YOUR STUPID BIKE" "I am~" "I'M DOIN DIS CAUSE IF WE LET THOSE FURFAGS SPREAD DEIR FAGGOTRY, MY FRIENDS'LL BE KILLED OR WORSE... TURNED" "Friendship huh? Guess I never saw it before, but you're truly a simple fella aren't you?" "THAT A INSULT?" "Did it feel like an insult" "UH... I.. UH... WHAT?" "You have great taste in men, lady", you say as you look the bitches way. "WHAT'S THE PLAN SHORTY?" "It's so simple you'll understand it, just charge them and beat the fuck out of the faggots while I be the hero, find the source, and drive away while the base explodes, making it just in the nick of time" "ALONE!?" "Yeah, but worry about yourselves" "You seem... pretty determined about this, kid~" You put on sunglasses. "They've made it personal" "Then I've deciiiided, I'm going with you~", the bitch says as she climbs onto the back of your bike. "If I needed a liability, I would've drug my friends dead corpse along" "You need my help, boy" "I need a lot of things, an education, a job, a pretty pony, but you spreading your female

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logic to my common sense isn't high in my priorities" She tugs on your cheeks. "Do it or I'll claw your good looks off" "That would be bad, the world needs my beautiful face" She starts rubbing your chest slowly... OH GOD IT FEELS GOOD FOR SOME REASON. "Come on....~" "WHAT DA HELL MAN, YOU TRYIN TO GET MY GURL?" "Give me a fucking caddle prod or something, I can't help it if I'm that fucking awesome" You and the Biker Gang ride off towards the Furry Menace. The gang splits up with you halfway, going to go get some other /b/iker gangs and charge the compound they said. It looks like you're in for a long day. As you and the whiny bitch arrive, the Biker Gang's have already started. You look at the entrance, full of grown men in animal costumes on the ground with their guts pouring out. Magnificent. "How we gettin in, boy?" "Good question...", you dial up Hanako. "Hanako, you got those blueprints yet?" "H-HISAO! WHEN DID YOU DO THIS!?" Oh whoops, the desktop on your computer has an image of Hanako with your jizz on her face. That's gonna be an awkward explanation... "Blueprints" "What do you need to know?" "Entrances"

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"There's some air ducts on the far right side, a back door around w-well... the back, and a way in through the sewers" "Thanks Hanako" "HISAO, THE DESKTO-" You hang up, hoping she doesn't look in the folder titled "JIZZ IN HER PANTS". "Well, fearless leader?" "Please, Call me Snake. DUH NA NA NAAA." "HOLD ON GIRL, THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL" You rev up the motorcycle AND CHARGE THE MOTHERFUCKER OFF A HILL AND ONTO THE FUCKING ROOFTOP. "Y-Y-YOU'RE INSANE!", she says as she's shaking. "I was never sane to begin with" Good, you're on the roof... You intended to drive the bike through the windows, but considering you're suppose to be sneaking, you stared at blondey's ass instead. There's a door on the roof, you grab your backpack and hand her a pistol... without any bullets. "Here you go, in case things get dicey" "Thanks, boy~" The two of you charge down the stairs and into the darkness. You enter a hallway... There's a Furry! "Hide in the corner for a second, OK?" "Alrighty" You pick up one of the boxes nereby and empty it. The guard Furry walks around the corner and stops as he looks at a suspicious box in the middle of the hallway...

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He walks over towards it and kicks it. A muffle comes out. Perplexed, the guard picks up the box with his handsAND YOU FUCKING STAB HIM IN THE STOMACH AND BREAK HIS NECK AS YOU DRAG HIM INTO YOUR BOX IN A BLINK OF A SECOND. You put on the man's faggoty suit and leave him inside the box. "That's a good look for you", the bitch says mockingly as you adjust the head of your pink Easter bunny outfit... WITH A FUCKING SMILE ON YOUR FACE. She smirks as she points down, you're pants are undone and your manhood is sticking out. "AAAAAHHHH, WHAT'S UP COCK", you say as you pretend to nibble a carrot. She begins cracking up, bitches love you. There's a conference going on in the next room. Bunch of furries in furry suits... wearing business suits? That's just silly. You and the bitch crotch down as you listen in to their conversation... "YIFFICUS IS NEARLY REBORN! ALL WE REQUIRE NOW IS THE "SHATTERED HEART"" "BUT WHERE WILL WE FIND SUCH A RARE ARTIFACT!?" "I don't know about you guys, but I am like so totally super stoked!" "Yeah, like oh my god, I was on my Facebook the other day, it was epic, EPIC FOR TEH WIN" It takes every fiber of your being not to break open the door and stab that one in the face so many times you lose count. Fucking furry scum.... You hear a gun click..... You look around and see the bitch holding a gun to your face! "Say boy, ever ask who did the number on your friend~?" "You fucking didn't..." "You're right, I didn't. Just messing with you." She puts the gun down and chuckles lightly.

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"You had me going, you cockeyed hooker" "Furry shit was getting on my nerves, sowwwrrrryyy-" She looks your way seriously. "KID, GET DOWN!" "There's someone coming behind me?" "GEE YOU THINK? GET OUT OF THE WAY!" You duck as she points the gun at the newly arrived furry. The gun clicks. "W-WHA!?" "Oh shit, maybe I SHOULD of given you bullets" You feel the butt of a rifle hit you on the back of the head... The room fades to black as you hear a scuffle. Another door blocks your path, so you cut off one of the furfags hands with your knife and use it on the surprisingly high tech hand reader. "I'M GONNA FUCKING MURDER EVERY ONE OF YOU HARRY BASTARDS WITH MY BARE GODDAMN HANDS. LETS PLAY HIDE AND SEEK" You run outside, and begin killing furry upon furry the moment you reach them while you make your way up. A fat grown up man wearing a wolf suit trying to slash you with his fake claws... So you take out the shotgun and blow half his face off. "RIP AND TEAR, RIP AND TEAR", you scream manically as you storm the furries. ANOTHER DOOR BLOCKS YOUR WAY. FUCKING DOORS, THE DOUCHEBAGS OF ENTRANCES. You kick open the doorYou stop.

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.... ? !!!!???? There's a familiar girl, standing on a alter. She's looking at you. "Hisao, it's been too long", she says to you as she smiles. "...Iwannako!?" "Having fun?", she asks in such a completely neutral tone. "....Why are you here?" "Didn't you hear all about the plan?" "No, I kinda killed everyone who started to talk about it." "You haven't changed" "Have too, just in places you can't see. Wink Wink" "Hisao, you know the world is suffering, right?" "No." "Well it is" "Fuck the world" "What? "This is where you try and sway me towards your side with a smooth speech, right?" "Am I that easy to figure out?" "No, I just play a fuckload of video games and watch truckloads of porno" "Well, using the power of the almighty god, Yifficus, we can undo the damage mankind made" "By reverting back to animals?" "Partly, that is correct"

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"Fuck you, your plan sucks" "You sure are vulgar, aren't you?" "Only about things that suck, like this" "Do you see now, Hisao?" "Yeah, I have 20/20 vision" "Look at yourself, you just murdered humans beings in cold blood." "Furries aren't human beings, I believe that was the point you were trying to make" "I- Wow, that's actually pretty clever, Hisao" "I'm a fucking genius, in case you fuckheads haven't figured it out" "Back to my point, they were people in YOUR eyes still, and you murdered them" "People kill people all the time" "And thus the moral decay of society" "Morals? Oh nooooow I'm totally convinced you're the good guys here" "This is human nature Hisao, we evolve to a certain point, then decay. Our minds, our bodies, we grow weaker. And it is our own faults" "Fuck that, I'm growing stronger and better every goddamn day" "You aren't actually, you're just deluding yourself" "Suuuure I am" "My point being Hisao, that we can change the path of humanity, by reverting back to the Animals we once were, we can evolve into a new race. And start over" "I'm guessing I'm important" "That you are Hisao, so I ask you, as your friend... more than your friend. Will you join me in remaking the world? "TURN AWAY FROM THE DARK SIDE IWANNAKO!" "NO, Hisao"

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"Well shit, I tried" You pull out your shotgun and shoot her in the tits. "HPMH", she grunts as she falls back into the darkness. "This shit was so fucking easy, goddamn" You walk to the top of the alterSomething's wrong.... The walls? Something's wrong with the walls?THEY'RE MOVING!? There are people... people in the walls in tombs.... Decaying. They still... live. But they cannot even scream. Because their throats are rotted out. One of them holds out it's arm towards you... It breaks off. RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGEEEEEE! That bitch... She did this....! You look around for her body- IT'S GONE!? But you shot her point blank in the tits, with a fucking shotgun. Must be some badass bullet proof vestYou hear a sound above you. You stare up at Iwannako, who's floating in the middle of the fucking air with an aura around her. "...Well, fuck my ass and call me a Howdy doo" "YYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!", her roar echoes throughout the entire compound. You hear steps behind you, clumsy ones... THOSE FURRIES!

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THE ONES YOU KILLED! THEY'RETHEY'RE FUCKING ZOMBIES NOW!? Not just them... Some of the bikers are there as well. "TW-TW-TWERRRRPPPPPPP...." Tod the Zod says in an more intelligent tone than usual. You pull out your twin pistols. "Couldn't have picked a worse guy, I train for the Zombie Apocalypse ever fucking day" "HEHEHEHEHEHE, love me Hisao! LOVE ME HAAAARRRDDD" You look up at the thing that used to resemble the girl you knew. "Heaven or Hell, lets rock" You rush the alter with zombies surrounding you! You begin unloading your clips. The zombies go down surprisingly easy, bullet to the heart or head seems to work just fine. "AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH", the girl screams as she rushes you from above. "SHOTTY FOR THE HOTTY", you scream as you get out the shotgun and shoot her into the ceiling. FUCKING HELL! YOU'RE ALMOST OUT OF AMMO. You pull out your knife and kill the remaining zombies with your bare hands. "BRAIIINNNSS...", Tod moans before you stab him through the fucking forehead. One of the zombie furries comes from behind and grabs you. He tries to sink his teeth into your shoulder. BUT YOU WATCHED THE WWF WHEN YOU WERE A KID. SO YOU STONE COLD STUNNER THE FUCKING ZOMBIE SO HARD HIS SPINE STICKS OUT! You grab hold of his spine and rip part of it out, and throw it at another zombie which impales him but ultimately doesn't stop him.

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"Yiiiiiiiiffffffff.......", the furry zombies moan as you slaughter them mercilessly. Another of the zombies gets deadly close to you, but part of his rib cage was sticking out. So you pulled as hard as you could and ripped out a piece of his rib cage, then stab him through his neck with it. But... There's too many of them. Your grow fatigued... Your legs can barely move anymore. You kneel down to take a short breathe, and suddenly you recall what you heard before in that faggoty office. "Shattered heart?" Why does that phrase seem so familiar even though that's the first time you've"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" You scream in pain as a sceptor or something is sticking out of your chest. "NOOOOOWWWW NOTHING WILL STAND IN MY WAY, I, YUFFICUS VONDER YAFMAN, WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD AS I ORIGINALLY INTENDED. HAHAHA, FOOLISH HUMAN, YOU COULD'VE LIVED IN BLISSFUL IGNORANCE HAD YOU JOINED ME!" "Yeah... well... You're... Gay." You say before he pulls out the projectile and you fall flat on your face. The pain.... It hurts. It hurts. It hurts..... It hurts.It hurts.It hurts.It hurts.It hurts.It hurts.It hurts.It hurts. You.... That tunnel? So that's the tunnel Kenji was talking about... Haha... it looks so... gold.

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"Hey bro" "KENJI!?" "Dude, it's not your time yet" "I was stabbed through the fucking chest" "I was gang raped by furries" "Point taken, but man, I don't have it in me" "You've always had it in you, bro" "What?" "Your heart man, it's a doorway to another dimension" "Swwweeeeeettt" "You just need to harness it's power" "How?" "The fuck should I know? I'm deeeeeeeeaaaaaadddd" "You're DEEEEEEEAAAAAAADDDDDD" "I'M DEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD" You both laugh and stare at each other. "I'll see you when it's your time, man" "How is the afterlife?" "Meh, it's alright" "Well, that sounds mediocre" "All the more reason to continue living, right?" "Right, thanks bro" You two brofist, a heavenly afterlife brofist.

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It forms a bond, not just a bond with Kenji, but a bond with everyone who cares about you. Your heart opens up, it's time to rock. "AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH" You scream as you force yourself up. "HAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU STILL LIVE? YOU IMPRESS ME" "I do that quite often, yet everyone always seems so surprised" "NOT FOR MUCH LONGER" He snaps his fingers, looks like he's taken ahold of the girl. The zombies start coming at you. But the fire in your heart doesn't subside, you concentrate with all your fury. And discover the power hidden within your heart. "OH IWANNAKO! YOU BREAK MY HEEEEEEEEAAAAARRRRTTTT!" The power coming from you sends a shockwave towards the zombies... and within a matter of seconds. "HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNGGGG" "HHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG" "HHHHHHNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG" The zombies begin have heart attacks. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?", Yiffucus yells in dismay. "Can't stand the sight? Haven't the HEART!?", you send a shockwave towards Yifficus. "AAAARRRGGGHHHH!", he yells as he falls to the ground. "Looks like I can't fuck your heart in the ass, guess I'll just have to kick your ass the old fashioned way" You walk towards Yifficus, as you take your shirt of dramatically, for the third time this week.

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"HA HA HA, SUCH A PITIFUL INSECT THINKS HE CAN BEST ME!? THE FOLLY!" "You possessed the body of a woman, you fricken moron" "BODY DOES NOT MATTER, MY SOUL BURNS ETERNALLY IN NEITHER SEX!" "Faggot" He forms some sort of giant axe with his right hand and a blade with his left. "HERE I COOOOOOOOME" He yells as he rushes you. FUCK, not looking goodYou hear a chainsaw!? UP THERE! THE BLONDE BITCH! Where the fuck did she get a chainsaw? OH THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. "Hey Kid, catch!" She tosses you the chainsawSHE TOSSES YOU THE CHAINSAW! AH! STUPID BITCH! You manage to avoid being cut up barely. "Awww... whoopsies~" "QUIT HELPING ME YOU STUPID CUNT" You pick up the chainsaw though, it's on. He comes at you with his axe arm, you let it skim down your back as you kick your chainsaw through his arm. "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHH", he screams.... then smiles. His arm forms back... "BY THE WAY, I'M IMMORTAL"

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"Not for long, bitch" You begin chopping away at him wildly! Slashing off bits and piecesHe keeps his attacks on, smashing and slashing back in a flury You parry his axe so hard you nearly break your arm, and chock him in the face. The barrages of chainsaw slices and sword/axe attacks continue GOING BACK AND FORTH! -Until he pushes you away with the aftershock from his axe. "HHHAAARRRGGGG!", you scream as you hit the wall. "HEHEHEHE... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Laugh it up chuckles, you'll be shitting my shoes in a second..." "Oh!? And how are you going to do that? You haven't got any more energy left in your body." "It's not the energy in your body that counts, it's the energy in YOUR SOUL!" You open up the chainsaw and splatter gasoline in YIffi's rat-like face, and light up your treasured House MD lighter. "BURN IN HELL, FURFAG!" You light the gasoline and lead the fire straight into his face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAA", he shrieks like a girl. Yifficus's eyeballs begin melting out of his eye sockets. He continues screaming... He'll regenerate if you give him the chance! Rin's grenade.... Shit just got messy. "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!", you rush with Rin's grenade in hand. You stuff it down his screaming throat and stop it halfway.

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You take out your knife and impale him through the throat, then, diligently, pull it out. With the pin on the tip. You feel you should mutter one more badass phrase because the furry bastard blows the fuck up"Looks like you...." *put on sunglasses* "Will be resting in pieces" "NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO-", he screams as the grenade explodes inside him. His entire body blown into a mess of gore and blood. You walk away, room full of zombie furry biker corpses and a god's bits and pieces. "Hey, you did good, kid" The bitch walks towards you, AND THEN KICKS YOU IN THE NUTS. "OOOOOFFF... WHAT THE EFF" "THAT'S FOR GIVING ME A UNLOADED GUN" "You could of thrown it at them, oh wait that's right, YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL" "THAT'S CAUSE I AM ONE" "Sometimes I wonder" "WONDER NO LONGER!", she raises her skirt up, revaling her vagina. "SNOOCHY FUCKING BOOCHY" You hear sirens from above the ground. "I am NOT explaining this one to the cops" "Don't worry kid, I will..." "You OK, Thunder cunt?" "My boyfriend, he's dead now, you know? I- I don't know what I'm gonna-" "Yeah, I don't care. Excuse me" You kick through a nearby air duct, gather your things, and begin climbing out, bitch's

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screechy voice can be heard from behind. Now... you're walking about two miles to your school, where your bed is. With your bad heart, you're gonna have to stop every 5 goddamn minutes. "Huh?" Kenji's scarf? It seems to have flown off your arm... Must be a sign. Heh... HOLD IT! Your wound..? It's gone? There was a fucking scepter threw youAw fuck it, you give up trying to understand anything today. You make it to your room after a couple hours. Then sun's down. The moment you enter the room"H-H-H-H-HISAO!? I WAS WORRIED!" Hanako greets you with a bear hug the likes of which could break bones, the fuck is she still doing here? "Sheesh, it's like returning home to a coped up puppy" "Huh?" "Nothing-" She begins ranting on why you should communicate more and about those dirty images of her on your computer... Oh yeah, you never gave Hanako that lollipop. You did into your bag. "Here ya are"

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She goes quiet. Hanako's face then lights up like a Christmas tree. After a hour or two of meaningless socializing. She asks. "Hisao, what was it you did today?" "Exactly what I had to" "..." "By the way" "Eh?" "You owe me a blowjob for that lollipop" "H-HUH!?" "I'll put it on your tab" You continue messing around until you get comfortable in bed. "Ah... I think I just want to sleep now" "Hisao" "Yeah?" "For the lollipop" She kisses you, on the cheek, and exits your room. "Sheesh... What a boring day." You say as you look up at the ceiling... You raise your fist up. "Brofist.... Kenji" You doze off into relaxing serenity.

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Flash Brodan
You wake up... ...Then go back to sleep. Fuck waking up, you don't have shit to do today anyway. "Hmmm... Kate Beckinsale in tight leather and Big Boss in a suit having their actions narrated by Morgan Freeman...", you say as you have the most amazing dream evKNOCK KNOCK You open your eyes while still face raping a pillow. "WHO'S KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKING ON HISAO'S DOOR?" "Hisao." Rin's voice. Guess she's outside in the hallway. She opens your doorWait no, the door stays closed. Where the fuck is her voice coming from then? Are going insane...er? Maybe you shouldn't have snorted crack with a broken beer bottle. You hear a smearing nose. ? !? "No fucking way", you get up and look out your window. Rin is outside, with her face pressed up against the glass. "Rin." "Wanna go with me and Emi on a picnic?" "...."

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"....." "......" "..........." ".............No." You close the curtains and continue masturbating to Zero Suit Kate Beckinsale. She taps on the glass with her foot. You open the blinds, even though there were curtins a minute ago. The world is crazy. "Hisao." "Rin." "What could I say that would make you reconsider?" "I want something" "That would be?" "I want a hat" "I don't have a hat" "How about a rubber chicken" "I don't use old gags" "Give me all the money you have in your pockets" "I can't reach my pockets" "Then give yourself a round of applause" "..." "Alright I feel content, where's the picnic gonna be at?" "The place with all the bushes and insects" "Misha's panties?"

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"No, the woods" "Oh, cause I was gonna say, eating food off a vagina sounds messy" "You're weird in the mornings, did you sleep on the toilet?" "No, I'm just grumpy, I want to sleep" "But if you sleep, then who's gonna protect the lil ol ladies from rabid wolves and snakes?" "Spiderman" "You're the hero here, Hisao" "Then you're the villain" "Then who would be the damsel?" "There isn't one" "That sounds like a mighty boring tale" "But it involves sodomy and tentacle rape" "Are you coming or what?" "I GUESS, JEEZ" "Coolio", she gives you a smile. "Meet you there" "Wouldn't count on it, but sure why not" Well, your morning's ruined, what now? Well, time to go fetch Crispy and Blindy. YOU PUNCH OPEN YOUR FUCKING WINDOW AND JUMP OUTSIDE. "YAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH", you scream as you hit the ground. FUCK YEAHUh oh, it's breezy... Oh hey there's Hanako. "GRENADE, GET DOWN!", you shout in her direction. "W-What?"

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"SO ZETTA SLOW" "Oh, it's just YOU Hisao." "Just me? Is that any way to speak to your future husband?" "As if you're IN my future" "That hurt Hanako...", you make a sad face. "I-I didn't mean that!", she gasps and starts to tear up. "Fine then, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to go on a picnic, but I guess I'm stuck in the past" Her face makes a wide range of emotions. "OF-OFCOURSE I WANNA GO ON A PICNIC WITH YOU!" "Alright then, lets go", you say as you switch from sad mode to apathetic in a blind of the eye. "Hisao, you're a jerk" "Tsundere" "U-Um...", she stops as she looks at you. "What? Intoxicated by love?" "You're not... wearing any pants" You look down, OH! THAT'S WHY IT WAS SO BREEZY. "So?" "...", she looks at you seriously. You sigh. "But Moooooom" HER SRS STARE COULD DESTROY PLANETS. "Fine, jeez, go get Lilly while I change"

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"OK!", she runs off... but then trips and falls on her ass. "Haha, you suck Hanako." After getting dressed, you break the window down the hall from your room and make your way towards the woods, no reason really. You greet Rin, Emi, Hanako, and Lilly at the forests path. "Got extra company I see", Rin grins. "Yeah well, I do like to surround myself with beautiful women" "Me too", Rin smiles. Wait what. "SO WHERE SHOULD WE GO HAVE OUR PIC-AH-NIC!?", Emi yells as your rage begins to fill. "Where shall we go, Hisao?", Lilly asks as she looks your direction. We shouldBEARS... "Lets go eat in the middle of the woods", you say to everyone as you start walking. "Th-The woods?", Lilly stops. "Don't worry, if anything happens, you just need to outrun Hanako" "That's not funny, Hisao" "It might not be, but I'm gonna laugh anyway" Lilly starts walking... SHE'S HOLDING ON TO YOUR BACK, OH GOD. IT FEELS NICE. DON'T GET A BONER DON'T GET A BONER DON'T GET A BONER DON'T GET A BONER DON'T GET A BONERRin stops ahead of you, but you're distracted so you walk into her... With your manhood sticking out. "Eh?", she looks down as your erection goes between her thighs. ...!

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FUCK. FUCK. PASS IT OFF AS A JOKE! "YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU WANTED TO HAVE A PENIS" "I did not" "You sure?" "Yeah" "Oh, whoops" You tuck your manhood in and walk on ahead. SMOOOOOOTH, THEY DON'T SUSPECT A THING. The 5 of you find a great place for a picnic, Rin and Hanako set up as you sit down with Lilly and Emi. "What'd you guys bring?" "I-I brought some bread", Hanako says with a smile. "I brought some jelly", Rin says apatheticly. "I GOT THE PEANUT BUTTER", Emi shouts. "Well, I brought some punch and napkins", Lilly says softly. "GAAAAAAAY, I BROUGHT A SEMI AUTOMATIC PISTOL, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT" You begin firing wildly into the air as you scream nonsense... hitting birds and tree limbs until you run out of bullets. "H-HISAO!? WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?", Hanako yells at you. "Do you know about the matrix, Hanako?" "STOP DOING THAT!" "Let me show you how deep the rabbit hole goes", YOU SURPRISE ATTACK HERE, EVERY ANGLE, YOU TICKLE HER! "HAHAHA... STOP IT HISAO"

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"NO, NOT UNTIL YOU ADMIT I'M YOUR MACK DADDY" "W-WHAT!?" "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" "Hisao, could you please quit that right now, we're passing out the snacks", Lilly interrupts. "OK, OK, just don't open your eyes and blow me away with your laser beams" You begin tormenting them as you eat, time flies. "H-Hisao?" "Yes, Neo?" "Could you pass me some hershey's, I wanna make smores" "You want... this chocolate?" "Yeah, gimme the chocolate Hisao" "SAY IT LOUDER" "GIMME THE CHOCOLATE, HISAO!" "Alright here-" The girls have stopped dead... You hear something behind you... You turn around slowlyThere's a black man in a bear suit with a loaded pistol in his hand... "GIMME YO FUCKIN PIC-AH-NIC BASKET, BITCH" "Alright, I gotta ask, why are you dressed-" "I'M IN A BEAR SUIT MOTHERFUCKER, THAT MEANS I DON'T GIVE A FUCK" "This is ridiculous" He fires a round into the air.

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"But scary, here take it and leave us alone" "YOU, SHOW ME DEM TITTIES" He points to Lilly. "I... what?" "TITTIES, GIMME SOME MILK BITCH" "No!" "FUCK YOU TOO THEN, LATER CRACKERS" He runs into the woods. The group looks around at each other, did that really just happen? "What the flying fuck", Rin says... Which makes you giggle slightly. "H-Hisao, what should we do?", Hanako looks at you, she's even more skiddish than usual. You take off your shirt and start covering yourself with mud. "Hisao?" "I''ll be right back" YOU BEGIN RUNNING WITH THE FEROCITY OF A THOUSAND TIGERS. "GIVE ME BACK MY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES!" You run wildly at where you saw him go... But you find him a ways in... laying dead on the ground... next to a pig. They seemed to have been having sex until they were mauled by something...? You can hardly tell them apart... They look like some sort of... Pigbearman? Bearmanpig? Manbearpi!? YOU HEAR AN ENGINE REVVING. "RRRRAAAAWWWRRR!"

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That was... A REAL BEAR!? A MONSTER TRUCK DESCENDS UPON YOU! THERE'S A FUCKING BEAR BEHIND THE WHEEL. "HOLY SHIT!", you roll away as the truck passes you on by... WITH PICNIC BASKETS IN THE BACK! THAT BASTARD, HE MUST OF FORGED SOME SORT OF DEAL WITH THAT NIGGER. NIGGER'S ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THAT BEARS CANNOT BE TRUSTED! You need to go after them... AH! That black guy's main mode of transportation, a bicycle. There's a tag on it. "Property of Lelouch Vi Britainia?" FUCK IT, You hop on, TIME TO PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT! YOU PEDDLE AT LIGHT FUCKING SPEED! "WHOOSH", you yell as you make your way through the forest and onto a road the bear is traveling on. That fucking bear sees you coming from his reer view mirror. He pulls out a gun. "RRRRAAAAAAWWWWRRR", he scream as starts shooting at you. BLAM BLAM BLAM FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU PEDDLE OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE AND LATCH ONTO THE BACK OF THE FUCKING MONSTER TRUCK. The bike you were peddling drives off into a gas pipe and a huge explosion fills the air behind you. "GIMME MY PPJ YOU FUCKING BEAR"

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The bear raises his middle finger at you as he tries to slam you against ongoing trees. HHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG Your feel a sharp pain in your heart. All this shit is gonna kill you from sheer exhaustion! Time to end this. You jump onto the back of the vehicle and put your hands together. "KA-" "Rawr?", the bear looks at your perplexed. "MA-" !? "HA-" The bear searches for his gun. "MAAAAAAA-" He pulls out his gun and points it at you! "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" ..... Nothing's happening. FUCK! He unloads on you, you feel the piping hot lead enter your arm. "GAH!" You fall back, knocking over a container of gasoline, it begins dripping out onto the highway. "MOO", the bear moos. "NO, YOU'RE A BEAR, BEAR'S DON'T MOO"

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"RAWKARAWKARAWKA", he point his gun at you while he laughs like a dick. YOU TAKE HOLD OF YOUR GODDAMN BASKET AND HOP THE FUCK OFF! The bear drives away in his monster truck... NOT FOR LONG! You take out your treasured House MD lighter, and light the gasoline that's spilling out of the monster truck's back end. The fire catches up with the truck and it bursts aflame. "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR", the bear screams as it's engulfed by the flame. The vehicle steers off into a gas stationBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM MOTHERFUCKER! "Haa... Haa..." You pick up the basket and walk back. The girls around the camp look at you as your arrive. "OH MY GOD, HISAO!", Emi yells. "Caught a slug in the arm?", Rin make an observation. "Yeah, but I'm fine. As long as you enjoy these sandwiches." "H-Hold still, I brought first Aid", Hanako hurries. You get patched up and eat a fucking sandwich all the girls made together. "BLAH!" You spit it out "OH MY GOD, THAT WAS THE WORST FUCKING SANDWICH I EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE" The girls look down. "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE THIS UP TO ME!"

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"H-How?" "I WANT...", you say as you subdue the pain. "A HAT" The world distorts-The flashback ends and you're brought back to reality, you're in Mister Cockadock's store, that's right, you were explaining the new hat to him. "And that's how I got the fedora" "I just asked you for the time, dipshit" "TOO BAD MOTHERFUCKER, I DON'T CARRY A WATCH" "Then what's that around your wrist?" "IT SHOOTS LASERS, BUT IT CAN'T TELL THE TIME" You exit the store with your supplies of horrible shit no sane person should ever eat. Oh whoops, you forgot to go to the hospital for the gunshot wound. Fuck it, the hat was more important. You walk off into the sunset, whistling the theme to Big Trouble in Little China.

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G.I. Bro
Morning comes yet again, seems to be coming faster and faster, covering the night with it's white light. That sounded nasty and hot. Someone should totally do a night and day rule 34. You open your eyes... YOU OPEN YOUR EYES... WHY WON'T THEY OPEN!? OH GOD, YOUR EYES, THEY'RE GONE! YOU HAVE NO EYES AND YOU MUST WATCH PORN. WHY DOES GOD HATE YOU SONo wait, you just forgot how to open your eyelids there for a second. Goddamn, you're an idiot. "I AM HISAO, DESTROYER OF CUNTS, AND THE SUN WILL PAY FOR IT'S INJUSTICES", you say as you genuflect. You stand up and go consummate your morning Kool-aid with pills... Say... Now that you think about itWHY THE FUCK NOT! YOU CHOP UP THOSE FUCKING PILLS AND SNORT THEM THROUGH A CRAZY STRAW. UHHHHHHH, YOU'RE TRIPPING BAAAAALLLLLLLLSSSSSS. Oh shit! Your classes begin again today. Well, best keep your tradition going. You slip on your bunny slippers, bath robe, and walk to class. Truth is, you don't really care about wearing the robe and slippers, you just like fucking with the teacher. !

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Something catches your attention. "The hell was that?" You heard a loud sound coming from your classroom... It sounded like a gunshot. You walk over by your classroom entrance and peek inside... There's a student holding a gun with the entire class cowering in fear. "I-I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!" "Now Charlie, calm down now. Just give me the gun", Akio Mutou, your teacher tries to reason with him. "SCREW YOU AKIO, I HATE YOU THE MOST, YOU SNOBBY PRICK" "I realize you're frustrated, but we CAN work through this, you just have to trust me" "TRUST YOU!? I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TONGUE ANYMORE, YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I TRUSTED A SCUM SUCKING NEANDERTHAL LIKE YOU" He cocks his pistol, and points it at the teacher. "J-Just take a breather, you don't have to do this, Charlie" "TO HELL WITH YOUR BREATHERS!" He shoots at the teacher intentionally hoping to miss... but hits Mutou square in the shoulder. "ARH!", Akio grunts as he falls back. "AAAAAHHH!", the students begin freaking out like nobodies business. "HAHAHA... MORE TESTS... MORE BIOLOGY LECTURES.. MORE SCIENTIFIC NOTATIONS... THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH MAN... THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH INFORMATION", the crazed student starts rambling illogically. "...!", Shizune signs to Misha. "What are you going to do now... Charlie?", Misha says in a scared voice.

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The student then points the gun at the class... "Take out the garbage, hehehe" This is getting serious... You should"Hey, Dickface" The crazed student looks over towards you. "Oh good, you looked, say, what happens if your gun backfires and shoots you in the dick?" "You're that new guy... You shut the hell up before I do that permanently" "I don't think you realize this, but I'm you from the future, and this is where you put down the gun and change your life around, becoming a garbage man, marry a rich Asian manatee..." "Shut up" "Hey, I hear guns taste like Snickers, why don't you give it a chomp?" "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" "You know, that man on the ground is slowly bleeding to death, that means you'll likely face decades of jail time. And what were to happen if you shot some more people? Would you simply shoot your way into a life sentence or take your own life? Now divide that by insanity and lack of motive and then multiply that by the number of witnesses. Then take into account what you had for breakfast this morning and whether or not you took a shower. Also count the number of times you've masturbated in a given week and find the square root of the size of your erection. Put all of this together plus the how much the cost for each one of your bullets then make a bar graph showing the amount of black people, yellow people, white people, and Labrador retrievers you've brushed up against. Using that variable, find X and then round it off to the highest possible denominator." "WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING" "It doesn't, I'm just fucking with you" "Very funny, asshole" He points his gun at you, but you don't even flinch. "This however, does matter. Look at the gun you have and the number of people in this room, that particular model you're brandishing holds at the very most 12 bullets, and there are 26 people present in this room. You used up 2 shots earlier into the ceiling, and 1 into the professor, so that leaves 10"

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"No, THAT WOULD LEAVE 9" "Oh sorry, 9. Math wasn't my strong point. Anyway, if you used those bullets, chances are you'd only hit half of the people with your current ammunition, maybe even killing one of them. However, if you pointed that at me, that would give you less targets and less amount of time to react." "React...?" "The classroom is sitting still after that last shot only because they were frightened, startled, but if you start shooting the room up again, chances are they will start to panic and run. Some of them may even come at you and take that gun away from you, painfully. Hell, I would. Then you'd have even less of a chance of getting more people. You'd only get off 4 shots at most if someone decided to come at you right now, and you're open from either side. If you shot me, somebody from the class would rush and stop you before you shot someone else, or if you aimed at the class, I'd come at you before you'd even had the chance to point that gun at me again. That's not even taking into account that your specific gun model is notorious from malfunctioning and blowing apart in the users hands." "T-That's..." "You're in an impossible situation with an even more sickening outcome, your life is pretty much over right now. Would you want to risk killing people without killing yourself and spending the rest of your days in a prison where people are brutally raped and murdered every day, or wouldn't it be better if you just took your own life right now before anyone could get to you?" "...You... You... What the hell is wrong with you!?" "Not too psychotic now, are you? Dipshit." Looks like he's hesitating, how will you finish this? "FUCK YOU!", the crazed student yells as he pulls the trigger. At that moment, your body is filled with adrenaline and other mind altering substances, giving you near super human reflexes. You can see the bullet coming your way, not as slow as it is in the Matrix, but slow enough that you can react.... You're not getting shot, and you're not dodging it like anyone with half a brain would. You're gonna punch that fucking bullet with your bare goddamn fist. "HAAAAAAAA!", you exclaim as your fist connects with the bullet.

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By some stroke of luck, it manages to skim the skin on your knuckles and bounce off in another direction. The classroom looks at you with amazement, and the shooter looks like he's about to piss himself. "AAAHHH, WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK" His hands are shaking, and he pulls the trigger again and again. None of the incoming gunfire comes near you, hell one of them goes into the window behind the student... until he runs out of ammo. You walk towards him and look down. "You should've killed yourself before I got hold of you" He makes some sort of cry/gasp noise that infuriates you, and then relieves his bowels onto the floor as he falls down. "DON'T KILL ME, DON'T KILL ME, DON'T KILL MEEEEEE", he says with tears in his eyes. "Say Charlie, you ever play Street fighter 2?", you say in a calm voice. "WH-WHAT!?", he looks at you with fear in his eyes. "No? That's disconcerting. Here, let me give you a HAND" You lift him up on his feet and press right, down, and down-right on the controller pad. "SHORYUKEN!", you yell as you uppercut him so hard, he enters the ceiling face first and stays up there. The classroom is silent, you look towards everyone and smile. "HISAO WINS, FLAWLESS VICTORY, FATALITY" "FUCK YEAH HISAO", a student gets up and does a brofist. "HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER", the black girl with one hand does that same... with her stump. Hanako gets up and rushes you, hugging you with a speed no mere bullet could best. Misha gives you a thumbs up as she does her "WAHAHA", and Shizune looks like she's about to fall over.

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The classroom gets up and cheers! HISAO 1, BULLETS 0. What a boring morning, but atleast this means class is out"Hey guys, I could really use an ambulance or something", the teacher mutters behind you. Hours later, the cops have come and gone and everything's blown over. "...!", Shizune signs. "What are you going to do for lunch, Hiichan?", Misha says as she pats you on the shoulder. "I'm gonna go eat some Cheerio's in Hawaiian Punch and then I'm going to DISNEYLAND!" You say as you pump up and jump out the classroom window, because windows are suppose to be used that way. "RRRRRAAAAAARRRRRLLLL!" After eating some Honey Nut Cheerios in Red Hawaiian Punch, you go to put the cereal box awayBut something falls out... "CONGRATULATIONS!", you read the big red lettersYOU WON SOMETHING, FUCKING AWESOME. "You have won an all expenses paid boat trip for three" A BOAT? YOU'RE GONNA BE ON A BOAT? PEOPLE ARE GONNA LOOK AT THE MOTHERFUCKING BOATWait, who should you take... "Alright I'll take...." You look around the room, everyone's looking at you... "Hanako..."

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"YIPPEE!", Hanako jumps up and crashes into the table. "And...." You begin pointing over towards Emi... "YYYEEES-" "T-pain" Everyone looks over at the newly arrived black guy with a huge hat. "Cool" "WHEN DID HE EVEN COME HERE!?", Emi says as she begins crying. You send in the card and start getting packed. You're going on a motherfucking boat. After getting your tickets, you all take a bus to the docks. It's decently sized.... TIME TO GET THIS SHIT INTO GEAR. You throw everything on and cut the boat loose. "I DUB THEE, THE SS PUSSY MAGNET" After unpacking, you jump onto the front and begin singing. "OH SHIT, GET YOUR TOWELS READY. IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN. EVERYONE IN THE PLACE HIT THE FUCKING DECK. BUT STAY ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING TOES, WE RUNNING THIS, LETS GO" T-pain joins you. "I'M ON A BOAT" You begin dancing. "I'M ON A BOAT" "EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME CAUSE I'M SAILING ON A BOAT" "SAILIN' ON A BOAT"

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"I'M ON A BOAT" "I'M ON A BOAT" "TAKE A GOOD, HARD LOOK AT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BOAT!" Hanako comes out, she looks sick... "Hanako? You alright?" "I don't feel so hot.. Hisao" "HAHAHA.. Hot" She sits down, gripping her mouth. "Get sea sick easily, Hanako?" "This is.. the first time I've ever been on a boat..." "You'll get used to it, right T-pain?" "S'right" "See, and T-Pain's a trustworthy guy" What should you do in the motherfucking boat? "Hey Hanako, take off your clothes and slip into your bathing suit" "O-Oh alright, but promise me you won't stare" "No, I will not promise you I will not look." She looks at you unevenly and walks inside. "Hey T-pain, what are you doing over there?" "Fishin'", he gives you a simple response and goes back to it. "But we didn't bring a fishing rod..." He looks at you and smiles. "I-I'm all done..."

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Hanako comes out in a black two piece, her burned skin doesn't look too bad actually. In fact, you're mesmerized by how she looks. "MAGNIFICENT...", you get an erection. "U-Um... Hisao!?" "Lay down, I'm gonna apply sunscreen" "I think I can do that myself..." "YOU ABSOLUTELY MUSTN'T HANAKO, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE PUTTING ON SBF, IT CAN BE FATAL!" "W-What!?" "Luckily, I'm a trained professional, so just relax..." "Alright..." She lays down on one of the plastic seats, chest first... HER BREASTS, HER ASS... HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG. You nearly jizz yourself as you splurt out some sunscreen, WHERE TO RUB... WHERE TO RUB... OH GOD, WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST RUB IT ON HER WITH YOUR PENIS!? You start rubbing her back and slowly work yourself down. "Haaaah....", Hanako moans softly. She likes it, you give a good massage, lets kick it up a notch... You begin rubbing oil on her upper thighs... almost next to her ass. "H-Hisao?!" "Relax, I'm not doing anything... yet" You gently rub her legs from behind and then move back up to her sides. "Hisao, this is really... Embarrassing" "Feels good though, doesn't it?"

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"I guess..." Her face turns bright red, AND THAT MAKES YOU PENIS HARDER! "Alright, turn around" She flips over with a frown on her face... OH GOD, HER BREASTS, THEY JIGGLE AS SHE MOVES AROUND. YOU MUST GRAB THEM, YOU MUST! "Hanako, you don't want tan lines, right?" "I-I guess not..." "Well then-" You take off her dimsey top, she must not know how to tie a knot very wellIT COMPLETELY FALLS OFF. HANAKO'S TITTIES STARE YOU IN THE FACE. HOLY SHIT, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. "BADASS" Hanako covers them up as fast as the top came undone, she's really embarrassed. "Hanako, you like me right?" "You're a jerk, Hisao!" "So you hate me?" "Well... No." "We're at sea right now, nobodies around to see your breasts by me" "AN' ME" "And T-Pain, but he's totally cool" "I-if you promise to close your eyes while you do it-"

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"No, it's time to strengthen your resolve, Hanako. There comes a time in every young ladies life when her breasts need to be admired, that time, is now" "You're making me even more scared!" "Hanako, you have nothing to be scared of, you're a beautiful woman. And I'm glad you're here with me. If you really don't want me to apply some Sunscreen on your bare tits, I won't." She looks down. "I didn't say I didn't want you to..." -WAIT WHAT? AWWWWRIGHT, YOU'RE FUCKING IN MAN. TIME TO FINALLY REVOKE THAT V CARD AND! !? Something hits the boat... "TH'HELL WAS THAT!?", T-pain looks over the side. Something seems to have struck the boat... "...Hanako, get inside the fucking boat" "Hisao?" "Go, now." "Hisa-bro?" "Fetch the harpoon T-pain" "What it is?" SOMETHING'S EMERGING... OH GOD.

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IT JUMPS RIGHT OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER AND LANDS ON TOP OF YOUR FUCKING BOAT. IT HAS THE HEAD OF A SHARK... BUT THE BODY OF A T-REX. "A SHARKASAURUS REX" "That's some fucked up shit, man" As with every manly encounter, you throw your shirt to the ground, exposing your manly bare chest. ...T-pain does the same. "T-pain?" "N'body fucks with our boat", he says as he adjusts his sunglasses, dramatically. "BBLLLLAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH", the Sharkasaurous roars. He throws his tail around trying to get the both of you, but you both backflip over it. "YOU CAN'T STOP ME MOTHERFUCKER, CAUSE I'M ON A FUCKING BOAT", you yell as you and T-pain run at the creature. You punch the monsters fin knee, causing him to kneel down. T-pain smashes the monster in the jaw and you punch it in the stomach. It falls back into the sea, in pain. "Shit was eas', man" "Yeah, the just don't make bosses like they used to-" THE DINOFISH JUMPS BACK OUT AND HEADBUTTS T-PAIN INTO THE OCEAN, MAKING HIM FLY ATLEAST 20 FEET. "T-PAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNNNN!", you fall to your knees, and punch the ground. "MY OLDEST FRIEND! YOU FUCKING OVERGROWN LIZARD, YOU'RE SEAFOOD" "HHHAAARRR HAAARRR HAAAAAAAAAAARRRR", the monster makes weird noises. You get up and CHARGE! BADASS MUSIC STARTS PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD AS YOU DODGE THE MONSTERS

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RELENTLESS ATTACKS! LEFT TAIL SLAM! RIGHT FIN CLAW SLASH! HIS FUCKING SHARK TEETH! YOU PUNCH HIM IN THE MOUTH SO HARD, YOU BREAK YOUR GODDAMN HAND. "ARGH", you grunt manlylike... A COUPLE OF HIS TEETH ARE BROKEN, SO HE SPITS THEM OUT AT YOU! You side step them and take a hold of one of the sharper ones. "THIS IS FOR KILLING LITTLEFOOT'S MOTHER, YOU SHARPTOOTH PRICK!" You throw his tooth right back at him, AND IMPALE HIM IN THE EYE! "GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH", the monster screams. That didn't stop it... "AH!" YOUR HEART! AAAARRRRGGGGGHHH COME ON, YOU FUCKING DICK. DON'T FAIL ON ME! NOT NOW! HANAKO'S COUNTING ON YOU! IF YOU FAIL AND GET EATEN BY THAT FUCKING THING, SHE'LL BE RAPED BY A SHARKASAURUS REX PENIS! DAAAAAMMMMMMMIIIIIITTTTT You fall down, looking up at the enraged beast. "H-HISAO!", Hanako screams through the glass she's hiding behind. "Sorry... Hanako", you grunt.

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"QUIT'N ALREADY!" You hear a familiar voice.... T-PAIN! HE HAS THAT FUCKING HARPOON IN HIS HAND! "Where were you?" "Believe me when I say, I fucked a mermaid", he looks over the side and a couple of mermaid bitches are giving him the "look". "That's all I wanted to hear, LETS GO!", you begin running at the monstrosity! HE EXPECTS YOU! SO HE STOPS AND READIES HIMSELF FOR YOUR SHIN KICK! -But you stop and GENUFLECT! "T-PAIN! NOW!" "'UCK MY HARPOON!", T-pain yells as he jumps from you and impales the beast in the fucking face. ...But it still stands. "DA FUCK MAAAAN" "DON'T WORRY, I GOT THIS! HANAKO!" "Y-Yes!" She comes out to you as YOU RUN TO THE TOP OF THE BOAT AT RIDICULOUS SPEEDS AND""RIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR KIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!"", the both of you scream as you double rider kick the harfuckingpoon in. The scary creature falls back into the water, this time, for good. Leaving nothing but a trail of bloody water behind, Hanako runs over to you and hugs you tight. "I-I WAS SO WORRIED!"

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"Don't be, I'm Hisao fucking Nakai, destroyer of cunts" "'Ey man, think this is where you kiss the girl" T-pain walks over to you as he wipes the harpoon off. "I suppose so... Hanako?" ".....", she looks up at you. You slowly go in for a kissAnd she slowly goes in as well. Your lips meet and begin intercepting one another, time loses all meaning, as you share a passionate kiss with Hanako. ....THERE'S A FUCKING EXPLOSION THAT CAME FROM WHERE YOU KILLED THAT FUCKING MONSTER "Oh right, forgot to tell you, I kinda loaded that 'arpoon with C-Fo'" "Goddamn, well, better safe then sorry, right Hanako?" "Right, Hisao" The sun sets, as you're on the deck of the ship, bitch in one hand and a Gatorade in another. "You one 'nsane dude, bro" "Wasn't sane to begin with" You set your Gatorade down, and brofist T-pain. You were on a motherfucking boat. Motherfuckers. .....?

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Braiders of the Lost Park

Huh? This isn't your bedroom. You're outside, walking outside in the cold drenched grass. Your breathe is visible to a certain degree, and your ears feel like they're on fire. But you were sound asleep in bed not five minutes ago? W-What... What is going on? Sleepwalking, maybe? That's a first. Hold up, there's something even stranger going on. You look around. Why is it so... Quiet? No cars? No lights? Everything feels so... desolate. It's like you're suddenly in a deserted school, it's freaky. Why are the street lights off? You begin walking past the front gates and onto the street. Everything, everywhere, deepened black darkness.... Kinda like Wesley Snipes. The town, there's not a living thing in sight. You continue walking on the cold pavement. "Where'd everyone go, bingo?", you make a snotty remark into the silent and empty buildings. So you're the last person left in this ghost town? SO RONERYThis must be a dream, must be. !? You see some sudden movement ahead of you.

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"Who's there?" There's a figure coming towards you, it's moving kinda... Weird? Oh yeah, that's right. You still have your treasured House MD lighter with you, never go to sleep without it. You pick it out and flick it onOH MY GODWHAT IS THAT!? The light reveals that the human-like figure is a grotesque monstrosity. It resembles a human, somewhat. But the eyes are caved in, the nose is non-existent, the scalp is completely vacant, and the upper lip is pulled up to a certain degree. It looks like a skull, a living skull. And it's body is slim, and boney. Looks like the legs would break from just walking. It looks down at you, and does something that resembles a smile. "Hi", it says in a raspy voice. "...Sup?" "You Hisao Nakai?" "No, that lazy bastard called in sick today, I can leave a message if you'd like" "You're funny" "Are you a zombie?" "No" "Mutant?" "No" "Space Alien?" "No- well yes, actually. I am from the planet Garclock, and I'm here to rape sheep and cows in the anus"

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"Ah, well, this is awkward" "Not really, I was looking forward to meeting you. Everyone in town says you're pretty good at what you do" "Jack of all trades" "Skilled at everything, yet master of nothing?" "What exactly is going on here?" "You want the abridged version?", he says as he closes his eyelids halfway. "Only if it's narrated by Norio Wakamoto" "Me and my comrades have abducted everyone in this town, in fact, very soon the entire world.", he says sounding exactly like the greatest voice actor ever. "What, why? To eat? To fuck?" "No, think of them as a trophy" "You're gonna use human lives as a trophy? For what?" "That's for you to decide." "Eh?" "We're a simple race, but we like a good challenge. So you will challenge me to any kind of duel." "What do I get if I win?" "Mankind's freedom" "I want a Nintendo DS" "Well, you're getting the liberation of the human race" "This game sucks" "Fine, we'll get you a DS, but it'll be pink" "Fuck you, it better be gray"

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"Beggers can't be choosers" "Wait, what happens if I lose?" "Oh, Uh... We torture the entire human race to death and then throw their bodies into the sun, how's that sound?" "Like a slow Thursday" "Yes, it would be quite slow" "That's excludes me though, right? "You, Snoop Doggy Dog, and Steven Colbert" "What about Will Smith?" "He will accompany us" "How would we repopulate?" "Builds robots with artificial vagina's" "Alright, I think I can manage that" "You should be, Snoop Dog alone discovered cold fusion" "Then why didn't he tell anyone?" "Because he smoked the formula with marijuana" "Drugs truly ARE whack" "Dreadfully so" "By the way, where ARE my friends?" "Suspended in inanimation, like everyone else" "And you'll just BEAM them down to earth and everything will by honky dory again?" "I suppose, so how would you like to do this?" "What do you mean?"

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"I excel in every game and challenge known to the universe, I'm asking you how you would like to condemn your species" "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A GAME OF DUEL MONSTERS!" "Challenge accepted, you must assemble your deck... On our ship!" He points up in the air... "Ship?" "....It usually reappears when I point dramatically up in the air-" A humongous flying saucer fills the sky above you. "There we go... State of the art cloaking devices, it can only be heard not seen" "Like a fart" "What?" "Your ship does the exact same thing as a fart" "My ship is not a fart" "It even smells" "IT DOES NOT, BEHOLD IT'S MARVEL AND SHAPE! OUR SHIP HAS TRANSCENDED LIGHT SPEED AND REACHED THE VERY ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE!" You take a good look at the huge UFO... The top is shaped like... A Bunny? "Is it suppose to resemble a bunny rabbit? Cause it's a giant rabbit's head, ears and all" "What? No. It's a skull and crossbones." "It's a rabbit's head" "NO IT IS NOT, just-... Just tilt your head over and look- OOOOOWWWW THAT'S FREA-KY" "When I tilt it over it looks like a duck quacking" "Shut up and get on the fucking tractor beam" A giant beam of light shoots down towards you... You walk over to it with the walking twig and suddenly you feel like you're swimming in

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water... Ah, you're ascending into the ship... "Forgot to ask, how did you know who I am?" "We found this..." The alien takes out a miniature replica of yourself... made out of chocolate. "A Chocolate Hisao, it was made out of your specific details" "That's... how?", you take hold of it and start playing with it. "It was made by a human that was... severly burned. We couldn't find you right away for some reason-", he stops and looks at you as you almsot put the figure in your mouth. "Stop that", he takes it away from you. "You're right... I don't have time... To be playing with myself!", you say dramatically. You enter the ship... There's Cryotubes everywh- YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALL IN TEST TUBES! "TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBES" "Yeah, Tubes" "OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THEM!?" "Huh? Nothing." "Oh. Nevermind then" "You're oddly calm" "Sure I'm calm, I'm about the win the easiest Nintendo DS anyone's ever gotten" "Confidence, I like that" "You better like the sight of my shoes, cause you're gonna be at my feet in a matter of moments" "We shall see, assemble your deck and meet me on the opposite roof"

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"Opposite- We're gonna duel on the giant bunny ears?" "THEY'RE NOT- Argh, yes. Whatever, Duel Disk's next to the cards" "Sweeeet" He walks down the hall and enters some sort of lift... The cards are spread out before your eyes. You take your time assembling a deck out of the cards they set forth. You look over at the the townspeople and classmates inside the TTTTUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBEEESSS. "I'll have you guys outta there, just give me alittle more time..." Alright, you've assembled a badass deck. Now you just got to trust the heart of the cards. Because your heart certainly can't be trusted. You take a deep breathe, slip on the duel disk over the bath robeOh whoops, you're wearing a cruddy robe and checkered shorts with a pair of orange slippers on. "Hey, you guys got anything cool I can wear?", you say to one of the workers next to you. "RRRRAAALLLAAAAAAALAAAAAAA", he says back. "That... doesn't help." "Oh sorry, wrong language. There's a wardrobe room across the hall, second door to your left" "Thank you", you say as you walk over to the door... Hmm... Guess you have to press the red button to open it. You push it in. No... That's too normal. YOU HEADBUTT THE FUCKING BUTTON WITH YOUR FOREHEAD. "FUCK YOU DOOR" The door opens like something out of Star Trek.

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"BADASS" The room is full of futuristic armors and cloaks and jackets... A black trench coat with orange sidings and details, shoes with orange flames on the front, black shirt and cargo-like pants. But the best part, is the glasses. They're Orange, sharp looking, and... THEY GET HD TV! HOLY SHIT AWESOME, YOU CAN WATCH FUTURAMA WHILE YOU KICK GAS GRENADES AT NAZI'S... Not that that's ever happened... yet. The clouds are storming, the alien looks unfazed as he waits... You emerge from the elevator and immediately put on your Duel Disk. No time to be fucking around, "Let's make this more interesting, shall we?", the Alien bastard says with a shit eating grin. "Why the fuck not" "The lightning storm going on around us is quite relentless, so I decided to use it for our little game. See the knife on the ground?" There's a knife impaled in front of you... A line seems to be connect to the tip? "Yeah, what of it? One who loses throws it at the other guys nuts?" "No, take off your shoes" "...? Alright", you slowly take them off as you look at the Alien's bare foot... it's standing up against the blade, tied. "Suppose you want me to tie my bare foot to the blade?" "You suppose right." You position yourself in front of it so you don't lose balance, there's a strap where you place your foot in and lock it... "Here's how the game will work. We each begin with 4000 life points, the lower that number goes, the higher the conductor behind you will rise. And the high it goes, the more lightning would be sent to you if you were hit by a bolt. Once it reaches 0, The losers knife will retract back into the conductor, the user with it."

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"So you're gonna get fried?" "Me? I fear more for you. Your body's made of more H2O than mine" "Touching, but I won't be the one locked up there with lightning shooting inside my ass." "Then you understand the rules" "Yes" "Then" "It's" "Time" "To" ""DUEL!"" His turn comes first! "HEHEHE, I PLACE THE CELTIC GUARDIAN IN DEFENSE MODE, AND PUT TWO FACE DOWN CARDS. I END MY TURN" He has a dickfaced look on his face for a ugly fuck. Hmmm.... One of those must be a trap cardFuck it. "I SUMMON MARA, THE GREEN PENIS IN ATTACK MODE!" "W-what?" "Don't blame me, I just took whatever was in that pile of cards-" You readjust your shades. "MARA, DARK MAGIC ATTACK!" "WHOOPLA WHOOPLA DOO", Mara whoops as his tentacles pierce the Celtic Guardian and destroy him.

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DESTROY MEANING EXPLOSION! "YOU'VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD, COCKBLOCK!", the alien throws up a 3D image of Barbra Streisand. "OH GOD, IT'S HORRIBLE" "WHOOPBLA =(", Mara makes a sad face. "COULD THING I HAVE THIS IN MY HAND!", you say as you throw down a magic card. "I ACTIVATE YOUR RESISTANCE ONLY MAKES MY PENIS HARDER, GIVING MARA DOUBLE THE ATTACK POINTS AND ANOTHER TURN TO ATTACK! MARA-" "Don't think so scrub, I ACTIVATE MY TRAP CARD- QUIT HITTING YOURSELF" "YOU FIEND!" Mara begins tentacle raping himself... EWWWWWWWW. He then EXPLODES! Your life points go down in half. "SHIT!", you exclaim as you watch the conductor behind you rise. "HAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH...", you feel varying degrees of electricty flowing throughout your body... "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG", YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEART. YOUR HEARTAh... it calms down. Fuck, that bastard hasn't even broken a sweat yet. At this ra- WHOA NO, GODDAMN IT. STOP SAYING THAT FUCKING PHRASE... Oh well, it can't be helpedShitcunts, you just can't stop today. ...Huh? Your hand... You have three cards of the same configuration...? What is this..? You reach for another card-

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AND PULL OUT THE FORTH! YOU JUST NEED ONE MORE CARD... OF THIS TYPE. AND YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WIN THIS IN ONE TURN! You just need to last another turn"I SUMMON THE MAHA VAILO IN ATTACK MODE!", He yells at you, bringing you back to reality...ish. SHIT, 1500 ATTACK POINTS"MAHA VAILO! ATTACK HIM DIRECTLY!" A dark force engulfs you... You stand baffled by the amount of pain coming from what is suppose to be a children's card game. You're getting drained by a dark and evil force, plus the lightning flow is growing GREATER AND GREATER-

"GGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHH", you yell in pain. You fall to your knees- HNG, YOUR FOOT SLICES UP AGAINST THE KNIFE. If you go on, you'll surely die. You'll surely die. You have to give up. You have to give in. You don't have a chance. It hurts too bad. It hurts too much. It hurts. It hurts.

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IT HURTS. IT HURRRRRRRRTTTTTTTSSS. You can barely keep your breathe steady, your hands shake violently from the electrical current. The world... The world is going dark. You can't... You must... YOU STAND ON YOUR FUCKING FEET. THE BLOOD RUSHES TO YOUR HEAD, YOUR HANDS STEADY THEMSELVES, YOU STARE THAT MOTHERFUCKER STRAIGHT IN THE EYES. You draw your card out slowly, but you don't look at it. "I place 5 of my cards face down, and then.. I SUMMON BROFIST OF THE ANCIENTS!", you say as you stare him down. "Brofist? Such a pitiful excuse for a card", you snares at you. "Never underestimate to power of broship, bitch" "Whatever, you done?" "Yes, I am" "Well, that was pathetically quick", he boasts as he looks at the cards he drew. "Guess what I drew?" "A Hitler mustache?" "I'm done with your shitty remarks, Hisao. You can fry now.", he removes Maha and puts down all his cards. "I SUMMON, EXODIA!" "...!?"

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A HUMONGOUS FUCKING GOLDEN EGYPTIAN GOD THING FORMS IN FRONT OF YOU. The very sight could cause even the most hardened men to piss themselves in fear. But you stare, and smile. "Surely you realize, you've already lost" "Lost? No. You did exactly what I thought you'd do" "NAHNEE?" "You lost the very moment you underestimated to power of the Brofist", you remark as you face your cards up. "RRRRRRRRIIIIIIISSSSSSSEEEEE, SHINING GUUUUUNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAMMMMM!", you yell as you use all five of the trap cards and fuse them with Brofist of the Ancients. "W-WHAT IS THAT!?" "The end" "B-BULLSHIT! EXODIA CAN'T BE BEATEN!" "First time for everything", you say as you raise your fist up in the air. "NOW TAKE THIS! MY LOVE! MY ANGER! AND ALL OF MY SORROW!", you do a couple swings and raise your arm in the air. "SHHHHHHHIIIIIINNNNNIIIINNNNGGGG BROFIST!", you yell so hard the GAR glasses crack from the sheer amount of manlyness. The Gundam's hand burns with beaming light as it completely destroy Exodia in a orgy of flashes, explosions, and friendship. "NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", The Alien screams as his hitpoints go down to 0... NO, THEY GO FARTHER PAST 0. THEY KEEP GOING DOWN, AND THEY WILL NOT STOP! "HAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH", the Alien gets dragged up into the Electrical Conductor... painfully. Lightning surges across his body. "IM-IMPOSSIBLE! I CANNOT BE BEATEN! NOT BY YYYOOOOOOUUUUU"

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You look at him as you untie yourself from the knife. "Looks like you..." *puts on GAR glasses* "Are SHOCKINGLY wrong" A lightning bolt strikes the poor humanoid in his stomachFIRE BEGINS POURING OUT OF HIS EYE SOCKETS AND MOUTH! His screams muffled as he fries like a greased up hamburger. You walk away from the Giant Bunny Ears you just dueled on, your friends await you. As you ride down in the elevator, the power cuts off. "Looks like you've defeated our leader, Mr. Nakai", the speakers ring in your ears. "Please, call me Snake, DUH NA NA NAAAA" "Right, well, according to our tradition, that now makes you the captain of this ship" "I don't need a space alien ship" "W-What? But think of all the planets you could go to, the adventures you could have-" "No, this is where I belong. You may look down on this planet, but as long as I still breathe, I will never abandon it", you give a speech directly from the bottoms of your broken heart. "...Very well, then we'll find ourselves a new captain. I assume you want us to transfer everyone back?" "Yes, and send me down shortly as well" "Alright, we will send everyone back to their original places. I'm afraid we also must wipe everyone's mind." "I get it, Mankind isn't ready for space travel yet" "Well that, and well, we kinda did a few messed up things here and there and we just need to kinda patch that up fast" "I won't ask" "Good and... everyone has been beamed back down" "Fuck, that was fast"

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"Yeah, we kick ass" "Wipe my memory as well" "W-Why?" "Actually yeah, that would be a pretty stupid thing to do, just send me back down to the school." "Roger, we'll shoot you down up here on the deck" The elevator's power comes back on, it automatically sends you to the 34th level, the Bridge. "Sir, it was an honor dueling you", the young looking Alien salutes you. "There's no need for that formal stuff with me, here, do this", you form the Alien's hand into a fist. "Brofist", your bonk the Alien's fist with your own. "B-Brofist?" "Now, we're bros" "Is that... good?" "In my book." "Right... We're bros. Hehe, that was pretty fun" "Do that from now on, fuck saluting" "Go around planets, challenging people to duels and brofisting them?" "Sounds like a normal day for me" "Indeed it does, you have earned your freedom, Earthling. If the entire human race is like you, we fear the day you discover intergalactic space travel" "We continue to evolve and strengthen day after day, Mankind is definably God Tier" "God tier?" "You're... Middle Tier"

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"Is... That good?" "Good enough, take care, you scrawny looking freaks. And don't take hold on the entire human race just to get one kid with a bad heart to duel you over lightning again. Shit's infuriating" "May you live forever, in the glory of hearts everywhere. King of Broken Hearts" The entire ship Brofists you, and you brofist back at them as you step onto the transporterYou wake up in bed, huh? Was it all a dreamWait... something's under your covers... A GOLDEN NINTENDO DS STARES YOU STRAIGHT IN THE FACE. YOU GET AN ERECTION THAT INSTANT AND RAISE THE HOLY DEVICE UP WITH YOUR PENIS! Time... to get gaming. GOOD END ...Huh? It's snowing outside? Snow... Peaceful, truly. It's like rain without the clutter and noise. You walk out of the convenient store with a bag full of Hot Pockets and Six packs of PowerAIDS. The world... No one really remembers what you did. You don't care, there are plenty of other awesome things you've done. ...But... You feel kinda... hollow? Why?

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Selfishness...? Bah, you're just a kid with a bad heart who manages to find his way outta trouble. You don't deserve jack shit. But you remember a certain someone's face. Huh...? What was that all about... Why can't you get her outta your mind? Come on man, you don't deserve her. No matter how much you try, you'll always be just that friendly normal guy who does extraordinary things. "Hmmm..?", something catches your eye. There's an old man sitting on the curve. No cars going by, the place looks about as desolate as it did before. Gives you a certain feeling of emptiness. Fuck it, you approach him. "Hey Old Timer, getting drunk on the curve?" He looks at you slowly, and then sighs. "Talking to an old guy like me durin' this?" "Some place I should be?" "Kid... it's written all over your face..." He gives an even more exasperated sigh. "Son, you see those wedding props lying in the middle of the road?" There's a few paper cans rolling around and such. "Yeah, missed something good?" "You know what makes a wedding so special?" "Good cake?" "Love."

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"You're getting kinda mushy on me, old guy" "Yeah, but I like mushy things sometimes. Sucker for them, really" "I hear you" "Anyway, the married couple could be insulting each other this very minute, hitting each other, cheating on one another... But during a wedding..." He takes a sip. "It just melts away, two souls come together and share a piece of them within themselves... You like weddings, kid?" "I don't believe in marriage" "You never do, until you meet the right woman." "Nowadays? Women are all the same... Conniving, Overempowered, Whores. Chivalry is dead." "Exactly son, that's what makes that special someone, so special. Uniqueness." "I suppose so" "Wanna hear a sad story, son?" "I don't have anywhere to be..." You sit down, and take out a Powerade. "Wait a minute or two...", he looks over towards the empty alleyway... An old dog comes out. A mangy looking mongrel. "Cute pup" "This dog... There was a boy that came threw here on his way to school, few years back. Lonely boy, never fit in with any of the other kids. He always had this permanent frown on his face." "...." "One day, he was pushed into a garbage can down that alley by a bunch of older kids, they thought it was funny cause they didn't know no better. He cried and cried, until a little pup

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came out of a box that was hiding, and started licking the boys face" "Hate to think where that dog's tongue has been" "The boy looked at the door with a perplexed face. The dog did the same. That caused the boy to chuckle a small bit and the puppy grew excited and hopped onto his lap and gave him a big ol' smoocher. The boy had finally found a friend. The puppy was abandoned and thrown away like a scrap of trash. And when he met this boy, that puppy finally felt like he had a master. Someone he could love." "I see..." "Each day the puppy would walk with the boy to the stop sign and wait for him to come back from school. The day began and ended with those meetings. Eventually, the boy grew up a bit, and thanks to the dog's love, he became more outgoing. He found some friends, and stuck up for himself and such. The boy was finally happy, and it was all thanks to that puppy." "......." "One day, the boy was walking home from the school bus, and there was this terribly stupid moron who decided to drink and drive. He was a suicidal maniac, and he didn't care who he took with him. The boy kneeled down and gave the puppy a collar. And told him from that day forward, he would be his dog and best friend. Forever." "The driver-" "The boy was struck right next to the stop sign, dying on impact. The moron himself was just injured. The puppy walked over towards its master and sit there. It didn't budge from his masters side. He whimpered and lifted the boys hand with it's nose. But the child lay motionless. They say dog's can't cry. But that didn't stop this one. Even if it wasn't on the outside." "That's horrible.." "The dog grew up, and each day it would return to this spot and wait for it's master. The boy would never come. But the dog will never stop returning to this stop sign." "My heart feels heavy" "Shit like this happens everyday" "Do you understand what I'm talking about, boy?" "I get the gist of it, old-timer." "You're a lot like that puppy"

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"Waiting for my master that'll never come?" "No, the difference between you and him is that your master, is still alive." "Sheesh, you sure are preachy" "It's the beer talking, makes fools of us all" "Time as well" "Yes, time. So many things I wish I could do again, so much left I will never get to accomplish. But that's life." "Bah, age is just a number" "Perhaps so, but you don't see 73 year old men playing Ice Hockey on the moon" "I don't think you see anybody playing Ice Hockey on the moon" "I would've been the first" "Damn, you're depressing." "You're listening to me, isn't that even more depressing?" "You have a point, what to do now..." "You got someone you like, boy?" "I don't know" "You don't know...? Quit being such a fucking pussy." "...You're right, if I see something I want, I should take it" "AHAHA! Now you're talking. Good luck kid, I got a date with a fluffy looking box with newspapers for blankets" "Say, what's your name?" "Never had one, Old-timer works just fine. Now go get yourself a wench" You stand up, pump up, and vanish into the snowy night.

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"That idiot left without saying goodbye..." The old man sits down and stares at the spot where that boy lays still in his mind to this very day. "Sorry kid." The old man sheds a tear as he regrets the day he decided to drive. The dog howls into the night. Forever loyal. Forever loving.

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Operation Brostorm
It's snowing heavily. Single digit climate, zero visibility, and your nipples are fully erect. But that's not gonna stop you, YOU'RE GETTING LAID! Tonight! Maybe. Hopefully.... So here you are, running through a snowstorm, in the middle of the town, looking for some love. That's pretty much what you do every Friday, really. Hope your heart doesn't give out on youHmmm? You hear a trashcan falling overYou COULD check that out... Maybe there's a drunk hot chick stumbling around, that's just asking for a good groping. "Yeah, let's go have a look." The individual referred to as "you" walks into the alleyway where the trashcan isDEMONS! THOSE FUCKERS ATTACK JAPAN EVERY FIVE SECONDSNo wait, those are shadows. But they belong to a sizable amount of peopleShizune? Misha? They're with a group of decent looking chicks, but still girls from your school so you know there's something wrong with them. Looks like they're ganging up on someone... You can't tell who.

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Probably should investigate that... but you ARE pretty lazy. AH FUCK IT, maybe they're bullying Hanako or something, that'd get you laid for sure"KENJI!?", you yell in amazement as you walk closer. "Hey bro", Kenji looks over at your direction with blood running down his mouth. "...!" "Hisao, are you with him? WAHAHA" The group looks over to you, but your attention is on Kenji who's sitting next to a wall, beaten up. "What exactly is going on here?" "..!" "This jerk poured Bengay in our underwear!" "IT'S A LIE! IT'S ALL PART OF THE FEMINIST CONSPIRACY!" "And this is...?", the brown girl with a stump pulls a bottle of Bengay out of his pocket. "Uh... Lube! I've been spanking my monkey behind the dumpster" "You've been using a bottle of Bengay as lube?" "It makes my python spit fire" "What about the note you left?", the stump student pulls out a note with Kenji's handwriting. She clears her voice and mimics his voice horribly. "I peed in yo bathtubs bitch, Kenji" "I actually have a good reason for that" "I really REALLY doubt that, but I'll ask anyway, why?", you say with a frown on your face. "They've been stealing money from the school" "W-what?", you say as you look towards the girls.

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"As IF!", one of the female students yells. "Don't listen to him Hisao, he's trying to buy time so he can run. Stay out of this and you will not go unrewarded", an apathetic looking blonde girl says emotionlessly as she holds something out...Looks like a taser.... Makes sense, don't think pepper spray's gonna be too effective on a legally blind guy. Second thought, that probably wouldn't stop the sting. She presses the device up against Kenji's arm and shoots him up with volts of painful electricity. "GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR", looks like that just angers Kenji. Fuck this. YOU SPREAD YOUR SHIRT LIKE A CAPE AND SWOOP DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM. YOU TAKE THE LID OF THAT FUCKING TRASH CAN AND THROW IT AT THE BITCHES HAND, MAKING THE TASER FLY INTO ONE OF MISHA'S DRILLS. ...Which causes it to spin..? "WHERE IS THE JOKER!?", you yell in a low and raspy voice. "...?" "Hiichan, you're scaring us." "WHERE IS HE!?", you say as you flex. The black chick walks up to you with a smug look on her face. "Hisao baby, think what your mother would say if she saw you bullying girls-" "MY PARENTS ARE DDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEAAAAADDDDDD", you yell as you PUNCH HER IN THE GODDAMN FACE! "Ah!", the girls scream and begin to run deeper into the dark valley. ...You swoop onto the roof tops... and pick them off one by one. "OH GOD!", one of them yells as you pull her up into the darkness. You slowly thin out their numbers until only one's left. "WHERE ARE YOU!?", that apathetic looking girl from before yells with surprising emotion.

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...You slide down behind her. "Here." "EH!?" YOU CUNT PUNT HER SO FUCKING HARD SHE VOMITS. "H-Hisao man, this was alittle much", Kenji says as he limps away. ....Well that was fun. What to do now...? You tie the girls up and hang them from a Telephone pole, about 15 feet about the ground. After tipping off the cops, you climb onto the rooftop and sit on the edge dramatically... You're not the hero this city deserves, you're the hero this city needs. You're the preparation H to this city's hemorrhoids. You're the bone to this city's sword. You are the NIGHT! "I AM BATMAN!", you yell as lightning strikes behind you dramatically. The felt pretty badass"Huh?" The roof is... slippery? It dawns on you. Why the fuck... would you stand on top of a 4 story roof during a snowstorm? That's the cost of being a badass, apparentlyTHE ICE BENEATH YOU CRACKS! OH GOD, WATCH YOUR STEP, WATCH YOUR STEPYou slip pathetically-

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"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK" YOU HIT THE GROUND SO HARD YOUR BACK BREAKS ON IMPACT... The world around you dims. The snow begins to cover you as you die a lonely and painful death. You fucking moron. "Know what you did wrong there?" "Besides dying a painful death?" "No, pretty much that" Would you like to reload the last chapter? You must find Hanako now, she owes you SUCKY SUCKY! After grabbing all the knocked out girl's asses, you walk towards the nearest Burn Ward... But find nothing, well fuck, there goes your hunch. Where would she be...? YOU HOLD UP YOUR HAND INTO THE AIR! "SAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" ...Nothing's happening! !? Your stomach... YOUR STOMACH! AH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK!? YOUR STOMACH IS BEING RIPPED THROUGH!

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AN ALIEN POPS IT'S HEAD OUT FROM WHERE YOU BELLY BUTTON WAS... "Momma!", it says to you as acid drips down it's mouth. You fall over and your guts begin coming out of your stomach as the alien digs itself back inside your chest. It now has a warm place to stay for the storm. ...You poor bastard. "W-what did any of that have to do with the Command Spell?" "Maybe he summoned an Alien from Alien" "An Alien from Alien? Which Alien?" "The Alien that comes from that Alien that lays an Alien inside you. Alien's are heroic spirits now." "O-Oh.." "Haven't you learned yet that using the Command Spell for anything but the last thread will end in catastrophe? Jeez Anon." "Son I am disappoint!" "Shut the fuck up, Willy's Field" Would you like to reload at the last save point? The Library! Of course! You fucking love reading, so it doesn't matter if she's there or not. After running a block or two, you arrive at the town Library.... HANAKO'S IN THE WINDOW! That makes sense, nobody really goes to the Library. And Hanako fucking loves seclusion. You open the door quietly and walk slowly behind where Hanako is sitting... ...She's asleep?

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Giggity Giggity Gig oh Dee. You walk over towards her, lift her head gently, and kiss her sensually. ...OH FUCK! FEMALE NINJA'S HAVE POISON ALL OVER THERE BODIES. GGGGGGGGAAAAARRRRBBBBLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHH! You fall to the ground and die... No wait, nevermind. You're fine. Hanako slowly open her eyes while you're mouth is pressed against hers. She draws you in and begins kissing harder, and harder... and harder... HOLY SHIT, SHE'S REALLY INTO THIS! "Uh... Hanako" "Yes Hisao...", she stops and her eyes open wider. "..." "..." "...AAAAAHHHH!", she yells as she falls out of her chair and straight onto her butt. PANTY SHOT! "By the way, I have herpes" "W-WHAT!?" "Come on now, I've used that line like three times already. Surely you know I jest" "T-That's all you DO DO!" "Dodo? Don't you mean... CHOCOLATE!?" She slaps you, hard. "Are you trying to give me a boner?" "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHEN TO QUIT!"

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"I'll stop, after you fulfill your promise" "P-promise?" "Think, we were on a boat... And it guest starred T-pain" "I NEVER AGREED TO THAT!" "You did too, you just don't seem to remember" "Forget it, Hisao" "Want me to forget that kiss too?" "... T-that was a mistake... I was half asleep!" "So you dream about kissing me?" "N-NO!" "Oh? You dream about doing more than just kissing?" "SHUT UP!" She turns around, as if to express her dismay. Like she doesn't even want to look at youWHICH IS AWRIGHT BY YOU! YOU GRAB HER ROUGHLY AND FORCE HER TO THE GROUND... Library's empty, just like how Hanako likes it. Perfect... "Hisao...?" "Hanako" "What are you doing?" "...I'm going to rape you" "R-RAPE ME!?"

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"Nope, just fucking with you" She slaps you, rather hard, again.. "You can get off me now, Hisao" "....." "Please?" You flip her over onto her back, and look at her perplexed face. ...You surprise kiss her... "MMMPH!?", she yells in your mouth. YOU WHIP OUT YOUR GIGA DRILL AND BEGIN RUBBING IT INSIDE HER SKIRT! "STOP IT!" "But your panties are damp" "T-That's" You continue rubbing the head of your dick on the outside of her pussy. "You have no idea how good it feels to rub my dick on your warm and moist panties, Hanako" "You're scaring me..." She tries to push you away, but you're much stronger than she is. "You don't want to fuck me?" "NO!" "But I want to fuck you" "H-HISAO! STOP THIS! PLEASE-" "No." You rip her blouse open, exposing her breasts... Fuckin bra's in the way. YOU RIP OFF THE BRA AND BEGIN LICKING HER TITS!

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They taste... Ack. It's more attractive to watch someone do this than to actually suck her tits. Oh. She's crying... Rather loudly. Which leaves her pussy wide open for a surprise attack! "I'm going to penetrate you, Hanako" "Hisao... This is your last warning. If you don't stop-" "I'll die or get arrested or something of that sort, right?" "...." "It makes no difference to me now, I'm going to rape you. And I'm going to shoot my white lava inside you." You slowly peel Hanako's panties offA DAGGER COMES SHOOTING OUT AND IMPALES YOU IN THE NECK! "GAAAAH!", you scream pathetically as you fall to the ground. "I-I told you not to Hisao..." She begins crying harder and harder. "YOu wERE A NinJA AFTER AlL..." You fucking knew it... BLAH. "...What have we learned...?" "That rape is bad?" "Wrong, rape is essential to the survival of the human race" "T-then what HAVE we learned?"

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"Never rape a Ninja" "Why the fuck are we on the ceiling?" "Because you touch yourself at night" Reload last chapter? "What were you dreaming about... Hanako?" "W-what?" "I'm interested" "It was... nothing" "I was in it, wasn't I?" "You were... You were hurting me..." "Hurting you?" "Down there..." She points down to her crotch. "I-I see..." "But then a dagger came flying out of my... down there and stabbed you" "...So I died?" "Yes... I tried everything I could, and when you woke me up, I was... performing mouth to mouth" "I don't think mouth to mouth is gonna heal a knife wound" "I-I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!" "I see... Sorry, Hanako" "Don't apologize! It was just a dream" "Dream's don't usually make you cry" You wipe away the tears still present on Hanako's face.

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"...", she looks down, face completely red. YOU'RE FUCKING IN MAN, JUST PLAY IT COOL... PUT ON YOUR COOL FACEWait no, don't do that. "I really mean a lot to you, don't I?" "...You're the only person I talk to besides Lilly" "So if we had like a three-way, you'd be fine with that completely, right?" "WHAT!?" "Kidding" "You're a pervert" "Completely right, I am. And I want to do perverted things to you. Just the way I am" Her face grows redder, you should choose your next words wisely. "Truth is, I like you... I REALLY like you", you say with a stern face. "..." "Sheesh Hanako, all you do is agree or disagree with me. You need to talk more, this is a crucial moment" "I-I can't talk more! I'M AFRAID I'LL SAY SOMETHING STUPID AND YOU'LL HATE ME!" ">Implying that you haven't said anything stupid" "Hisao..." "Relax, I'm not gonna down at you if you share your honest opinion. Unless it's REALLY REAAAALLLLYYY fucking stupid. In which case, I'll just hit you on the head" "You're such a jerk" "You like it, and you know it" "I do not!"

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"Your resistance only makes my penis harder" "What?" "Another thing, quit saying 'what' after I've said something completely out of the ordinary, you should be used to that by now" "I'll never be used to you, Hisao" "But I'll always be used to you." -Did you just say something right? She's smiling... You impress yourself sometimes... Maybe you can talk her into that blowjob! "Hey Hanako-" Huh? She's gone? WAS SHE EVER HERE TO BEGIN WITH!? ARE YOU FOREVER IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS DOING WHAT SOME VOICE IN YOUR HEAD TELLS YOU TO DO!? No wait, she left you a note. "Hisao, you were spaced out so I had to leave without saying goodbye, I'll be in my room if you need me. Love- Sincerely- Love- Sincerely- Love- Sincerely- Love- Sincerely-... " She's crossed out Love and Sincerely many times, looks like she doesn't know what to write. ...But it ends with "Love Hanako". That makes you DAAAAAAW immensely, and you think you'll do just that. You walk out into the snow, it's stopped actually... The snow has been coated with ice, and the lights are reflecting off it, beautifully. It nearly brings a tear to your eye-

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Wait... there's someone else who's also awestruck by this. ...Hanako didn't make it back to her room. She's looking at you, a smile across her face. You walk over towards her and embrace, the reflections and lighting around you just kind of mix together into an orgy of color. "Fall on your butt again?" "No, I just decided to wait" "For me, huh?" "Y-You did say some amazing things..." "Hey now, don't think too big of me, I strive on low expectations" "Then I'll lower mine" "Now you're starting sound like me, come here" You move in to kiss her, and she does the same. The moon shines off the ice, as the two of you bathe in the white light, together. "This is fucking cheesy" "I-I like cheesy" "Yeah, me too" The two of you walk off into the night.

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Electric Brogaloo
You crack your overly heavy eyes, the morning comes peacefully. Calm winter breeze coming from your windows gives you a sense of solidarity. The cold air coming from outside makes you want to cover up and hibernate... You relax deeper into your treasured Space Jam pillowcase, Michael Jordan feels like a guardian angel. Then your alarm goes off and youJIZZ IN YOUR PANTS! No wait, something just lightly grabbed hold of your chest...? Now that you think about it, the entire right side of your body is warm? Hanako's underneath the covers curled up against you. Hmm... She's wearing black lingerie... Well, normally you'd freak out, but for some reason, bitches have been appearing in your bed quite often lately. It just can't be helped that you're a sexy beast. What happened last night... What happened last night...? More importantly, did you score? Bah, you can't think. No wait, it's coming back. You walked with Hanako back to the school during that snowstorm then took her back to your room, like a boss. Unfortunately, you didn't get further than a kiss, goddamn you're a pussy. This is much too depressing, you need some... Some... KOOL AID!

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Yes, Kool Aid would really hit the spot... Where the fuck is your morning Kool Aid? ...It's in the fridge... Ahhhh..... You don't feel like leaving the warmth of your bed. GAH!... THERE MUST BE A WAY! ..... ......! That's it! "Hanako?" "...Hmmm?", she says half asleep. "Do me a favor and go get me my morning CA-CA-CA-Kool Aid, and maybe a sammich" She looks up at you wearily. "Hisao...?", her eyes widen. She's like you in the mornings, remembering the night before takes a few minutes. "...." "...." "......" "......" This is obviously going nowhere, so... YOU POKE HER IN THE FACE WITH YOUR MORNING WOOD! "AAH!", she screams as she jumps out of bed and onto the floor. Assfirst. AWWWRIGHT. "Well, now that you're up. How about a Sammich and some Kool Aid?" "G-GET IT YOURSELF!", she throws a pillow at you and pouts.

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You need to keep your pimp hand strong in these cold and dark times"Get dressed Hanako" "Y-you don't want me here?" "No, you're coming with me" "Where are we going?" "We're going to build a snowman" You hug Hanako tightly... touching her ass a small bit, and then get dressed. The two of you walk outside, you need Rin's help for sure. She's a hell of an artist... Hmm? You see an argument going on between a large group of people, Rin there as well. You approach Rin"Rin" "Hisao" "What's going on here?" "The teacher told us all to come out here and decorate the school for the coming holidays" "Have anything in mind?" "I have a lot of things in mind" "No, I mean anything pertaining to the subject matter" "Not really, I don't think a wet T-shirt contest would work in below freezing point weather. Be fun to watch though-" The crowd roars, the students are frustrated. They just can't agree on what to do with the school...

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"YOUR IDEA SUCKS!" "NO YOU" "OH REAL WITTY COCKFAG" "I KNOW I AM, THAT'S HOW I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER" "YEAH? SHE SAID IT WAS THE WORST FIVE SECONDS OF HER LIFE!" The crowd continues to battle... Hanako's getting really paranoid. "H-Hisao... I'm scared" "Don't be, I got this", you walk up. "WE'RE COMPLETELY FUCKED! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?", one of the student yells. The moment you walk slowly in front of everyone, you have their undivided attention... "Sometimes... the world is black.. And tears run from your eyes" You begin walking slowly to the side, their eyes following you. "Maybe we'll all get really sick... And maybe we'll all diiiiiiieeeee" You look at them with a pumped up face. "SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.............." You begin rolling up some snow. "LETS BUILD A SNOWMAN, WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND!" Everyone's looking at you with a hectic gaze. "WE CAN NAME HIM TOM OR WE CAN NAME HIM GEORGE! WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL, SNOWMAN!" The crowd is starting to come around... "HE'LL HAVE A HAPPY FACE, A HAPPY SMILE, A HAPPY POINR OF VIEW! IF YOU CAN BUILD ME A SNOWMAN, THEN I'LL BUILD ONE FOR YOU!" Everyone's starting to roll up some snow with you, they're really getting into it.

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"SO, LET'S BUILD A SNOWMAN, WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND! WE CAN NAME HIM BOB OR WE CAN NAME HIM BEOWULF!", you say as quicken your pace, and they mimic you as well. "WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL, SNOWMAN!" There's a big hole in the snow... So you jump inside it and start... TAP DANCING! EVERY ANGLE, YOU TAP! THE POWER OF YOUR TAP DANCING UNDER SNOW MESMERIZES THEM INTO A ZOMBIE-LIKE PHASE! You jump out and land on top of the giant snowman everyone's already build up amazingly. "HE'LL HAVE A HAPPY FACE", you headbutt the top so hard, you make a goddamn face. "A HAPPY SMILE", you slice a smile with your raging erection. "A HAPPY POINT OF VIEW! IF YOU CAN BUILD ME A SNOWMAN, THEN I'LL BUILD ONE FOR YOU!" You stand on the top and start dramatically slowing down, the crowd looks up at you in awe. "SNOWMAAAAAN SNOWMAAAAAAAAN SNOWMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! HEY!" .... ...... .......... THE GROUP OF PEOPLE CHEER SO HARD THEY BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER! OH GOD, THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFULHOLY SHIT, YOU'RE STANDING ON TOP OF A SNOWMAN MEGAZORD WITH YOUR FACE ON IT! HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER! You walk over to Hanako as the group gets to work decorating the giant Snowman. She's still shaking from the adrenaline rush... "Hanako"

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"Y-Y-Yes Hisao?" "Wanna go take a shower?" "Huh?" "Together" "W-W-WHA-WHAT!?" She starts shaking wildly, stopping every few seconds to look up at you and down at the ground. "I-I-I-I-.... Y-Y-Y-Y-YOU..... UH...", she's overreacting. Well, not really. You kinda guessed this would be Hanako's reaction. ...But you wanna see her naked, and dripping wet... And you bet she wants to see you as well. You move closer to Hanako and whisper into her ear. "Don't you want me to scrub your back?" "You're s-starting to creep me out..." "That's not a no" "B-But won't someone see us?" "The mens showers should be empty right now, everyone's outside, remember?" "I-I don't know..." "I'll make it worth your while" "Hisao, I'm really against this..." "Glad to see you're on board, Hanako", you nibble on her ear. Bitches love that, you should know, because bitches love you. She pushes you away, but you sidestep her push and grab her from behind. "HMMMM, YOUR HAIR SMELL LIKES CINNAMON"

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...She starts to giggle. You walk into the shower room with a towel on... Where is she? Hanako better not come here with a bathing suit on or something that cockblocks you, Goddamn it. "I-Is anyone here?", you hear that faint voice that still gets you hard. "ROGER ALPHA ONE, THIS IS BETA ZERO NINER, CLARENCE ACCEPTED" She walks into the room, towel'd up. "Good Hanako, never forget to bring a towel-" Eh? That towel... IT'S TOWELIE! A TOWELIE TOWEL! "I-I like South Park too, Hisao" "In that case..." YOU TAKE OFF YOUR TOWEL, EXPOSING YOURSELF TO HANAKO, AND WRAP IT AROUND YOUR FACE. "MMHH MMHHH HMMM HMMMM" "Hahahaha", she begins laughing, must not notice your manhood. ...OR MAYBE SHE DOES NOTICE YOUR MANHOOD AND SHE'S LAUGHING AT IT! THAT BITCH... "AY, SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME!", you say in your best Cartman voice as you charge Hanako. You grab the towel on her and pull it off WITH GUSTO!

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...SHE'S NOT WEARING ANYTHING UNDERNEATH! HER TITTIES ARE ERECT FROM THE FREEZING WEATHER OUTSIDE AND HER BODY IS TONED PERFECTLY! HER BURN SCAR GOES BARELY DOWN HER ASS, OH GOD, SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE PUBESCourse they could've been burned off... BUT NONE THE LESS"HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG", your heart begins to disagree with you as you get excited. "H-HISAO!", she covers herself with her hands. "Hey now, there's no need for that.", you say in a honest tone. "I knew t-this was a mistake", she says while blushing wildly. ...SCHWING.... "It so is not", you walk over towards her and grab her naked body. You embrace her, she's not putting up much of a fight... Her soft yet perky breasts rubbing against your bare chest feels SWWWWWEEEEEEEETTTT. Play your cards right"Hey Bananako, think fast", you exclaim as you pull out the shower head and spray her down below. Her body convulses at the sudden sensation... "*SNRK* HEHEHAHAHA... S-STOP THAT HISAO!", she yells as you spray her sensitives. "NEVER" She begins breathing harder as you close the distance between the shower head and her womanhood.... No, you should pull away. Just to tease her. "If you INSIST", you say smugly as you put the shower head back...

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She looks at you, still giggling softly. Looks like she's ready to rip your apart... ...Her breasts jiggle when she laughs... AH. AAAHHHH... AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.... YOU MUST CONTROL... YOURSELF! She takes a bar of soap and rubs it over her breasts... SHE LATCHES ONTO YOU! "SURPRISE ATTACK!", she yells with a mischievous look in her eyes. ...HER BODY BEGINS RUBBING ITSELF AGAINST SO SMOOTHLY... HE BURNED SOAPY SKIN FEELS SO WEIRD BUT HOT BUT WEIRD BUT HOT OH GOD YOU CAN'T DECIDE SHE'S...! SHE'S WASHING YOU WITH HER TITTIES! You stop and stare her in face with a unsure look. "Hisao? I-Is something wrong? D-did I do something wrong!? I-I-I'M SORRY! I JUST GOT SO CARRIED-" "No Hanako, you're not doing anything wrong but... I uh..." You point down at your erection... She just now notices how big you are. "AH!", she says in a shocked tone and backs off, rather predictably. Her wet hair covers her tits, perfectly. If this was a PG-13 movie, they'd completely shoot the top part and it would work so perfectly... STOP DIGRESSING YOU MORON. FUCK HER! "Hanako, you like me right?" She nods as she still stares at your beating manhood. "You know I like you, correct?"

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"You want to have sex now... don't you?" "Yes, I do" "I-I don't think I'm ready" "Me neither, but we're doing it regardless. I'm just too hard right now to be thinking logically" You hold her tight and french kiss her so hard, you take her breathe away. The drill is rubbing against her leg... So you place it in between her thighs and begin to grind against her pussy. How the fuck do you tell how wet a girl is in the shower? Oh that's right, the water would dull both your senses, you need to move away from the shower head... You bring her down to the floor, and begin furiously kissing her. She's completely vexed by you right now, her body is moving on its own. Her hands are trembling from the sudden rush... so you place them on your dick. "This is going inside you" She looks at you with a scared look... DOUBLE SCHWING! You kiss her once more and move away, a small saliva trail follows. Your dick is rock hard, her pussy looks inviting, you're a virgin, she's a virgin you think maybe, THIS JUST WORKS. "Here I come, Hanako", you say as you intertwine your fingers and position yourself... You've been waiting for this moment your entire-"HEY HISAO? YOU IN HERE?" You have got to be fucking shitting me. "HEY MAN, I NEED MONEY FOR SOME SKITTLES"

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Kenji walks into the bathroom and looks at the two of you. "......" "........." "........" "....Room for one more?" "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" "Hey bro, don't hate the player, hate the game." "THIS GAME NOT YOU PRICK LEAVE BASTARD FUCK" "Damn, all the blood is rushing downwards. See, this is what I mean by vulnerability by the feminist conspiracy-" "KENJI, WHAT THE FUCK MAN?" "I NEED MY SKITTLES, I'M A PLAYER, I NEED SKITTLES IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN MY STATUS AS A PLAYER" "H-Hisao, we should do this some other time...", Hanako looks away, she's too embarrassed to even fathom penetration. You hold your hands up in the sky. "FUCK YOU TOO GOD, THAT'S THE LAST FUCKING TIME I SAVE HEAVEN FROM ALIEN NAZI ZOMBIES" God appears in the sky. "You ate all my fucking Dorito's, prick" God disappears from the sky. ...Hanako's got her towel back on, she's walking out the door in a hurry. "WAIT! HANAKO!", you yell as you go after herYOU SLAP YOUR ERECTION AGAINST A BATHROOM STALL! "HAAARRRGGG"

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"HAHAHA, Oh man, this is some funny ass shit..." "..." "..." "...Got Tree-fifty?" You punch Kenji in the dick and walk out into the cold air. "HANAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", you yell as you run through the school with a towel around your erection. You see Rin and Emi. "HAVE YOU TWO SEEN HANAKO!?" "Hisao, should I ask why you're... um... what's the best way to put it..." "Naked as a Jay bird!" "Jay birds are naked?" "All animals are naked" "Not really, they have fur, right?" "I'm not sure that counts as clothes" "Rich ladies wearing fur scarfs and things, aren't those considered clothing-" "MY PENIS IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE" "Think Crusty went that way... back to her room" "THANK YOU RIN, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW-" "I like you too, just not enough to do anything with you in your current state" "CAN YOU DO ME A REAL BIG FAVOR THEN?" "Shoot" "KISS EMI" "Sure", she moves in to smooch Emi.

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"W-W-WHAT THE HECK! STOP THAT!" "THANK YOU, I FEEL LIKE I CAN WRESTLE A BEAR NOW" "You're going after her like a super hero, you should become one just for the sake of roleplay", Rin says with a smile "A SUPER HERO... ALRIGHT!" You make a dramatic pose as you tie the towel around your neck like a cape. "I AM MASTER BATER! DEFENDER OF ALL LIVING THINGS! IF THERE'S A PROBLEM, YOU CAN TRUST I'LL BEAT IT OUT! IF A DAMSEL'S IN DISTRESS, I'LL YELL MY SIGNATURE PHRASE!" "What would that be", Rin says as she's staring at your bulging manhood. "DON'T WORRY LADIES, I'M COOOOOMMMMMMIIIINNNNNGGGG!", you yell in a desperate tone as you fly away with amazing speed. "His arch must be...", Emi puts on some sunglasses, "Carpel Tunnel" "Yeeeeeaaaahhhh", Rin says in a apathetic tone. "Hanako!", you catch her as she's near the entrance of the school. "Hisao...? W-why is your towel wrapped around your neck-" "Nevermind that you idiot, you're coming to my room, NOW!" "H-Hisao... I'm really not ready" "Hanako... please?" "No... I-I'm so sorry" She looks at you with those puppy dog eyes... You take a deep breathe. "Ah... Nevermind. I'm sorry I was so forceful before, Hanako" She suddenly looks at you with a worried face. "You're an idiot, Hisao!"

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"Eh?" "You're out here in the freezing cold, completely naked!" "When you're this hot, you don't feel the cold", you say in a badass toneOH GOD, IT'S FREEZING. YOUR WILLY IS SHRINKING AND YOU'RE EARS ARE BEGINNING TO BUUUURN! ...Hanako takes off the coat she has on and wraps you in it. "I don't want you catching a cold just for me", she looks up at you with tears coming down. "H-Hey, stop crying. You're really killing the mood" "I can't help it, I-I love you, Hisao" "LIAR!" "W-what?" "Kidding, I love you too, you Kentucky fried chicken" You hug her while she's still completely confused in the blistering cold, and look her straight in the eyes. "Do you like Married with Children?" "Is that the one with Al Bundy?" "Yeah" "Then sure!" "Wanna come watch it with me?" "I-I don't know.." YOU MAKE A SAD FACE! "I hate it when you do that" "Then that's a yes?" "Y-yes"

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"AWWWWWRIGHT- Wait, you still remember the number one rule of my room, right?" She looks at you with uneasy eyes. "Girls can only lay on your bed in their underwear..?" "Clever girl", you pat her on the head and lead her towards your room. You spend a memorable afternoon with Hanako as you watch the greatest sitcom ever made. The two of you fall asleep in the same bed for another night... Fulfilled? Nope. Satisfied? Negative. Happy? ...Yeah, you guess so. Good End ...There's a girl sitting on your bed. She's crying, not tears of happiness or sadness. These are just tears. There is no meaning to them, yet she sheds them. Why? For what purpose? There is none. Yet she sheds them. Only when she is with you, does she shed these tears. Those tears will never dampen anything, because she doesn't allow them to. She cries... with a smile. Not a happy smile.

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Not a sadistic smile. But a smile. This woman, she doesn't allow herself to feel such emotions. Yet her body shows them. ...She places her hands around your sleeping neck... She stays like that for a couple minutes then releases them. She can't. She won't. But she wants to. And that hurts her more than the burning pain that courses through half her body. Sleep well, Hisao. Sleep well. "...Hanako, what's with the creepy monologue?" You get up, you were awake throughout the entire thing. "I stubbed my t-toe on a Hooters can and wanted to do something with the tears" "So you were making up all that stuff?" "No, I'm going to kill you one of these days, Hisao" "W-what?" "When you don't amaze me anymore, I'm going to slit your throat in your sleep" "!" "*SNRK* I actually had you going!", Hanako begins to crack up. "You're a fucking bitch, I'm gonna stab you to death and play with your blood" "H-HUH!?"

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"Gotcha" "T-that scared me alittle too much" "Should we really be discussing murdering each other in the middle of the night? Come here" You rise up with the covers around you and embrace Hanako like you were a monster devouring it's prey. Hanako holds on to you tight, you kiss her and fall back to sleep, in each others arms. Goddamn, you're both fucked up.

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The Last Brope

THE SEAL IS BROKEN. A DARK AND OMNIVUS FIGURE EMERGES! "AH! AFTER 10,000 YEARS I'M FREE, NOW TO CONQUER EARTH!" The world shutters in fear as the fearful entinity begins its assault... Meanwhile... at Valve. "ALPHA! BILL'S ESCAPED! RECRUIT A TEAM OF TEENAGERS WITH DISABILITY'S!", a floating Gabe Newell head says with power behind his words! "What...?", Alpha replies with a bloodshot optic. "The fuck is wrong with you?" "Uh..." "Are you stoned AGAIN?" "What? Noooooo..... PFFFFT!", Alpha says obviously stoned out of his mind. "STOP THAT, YOU'RE A ROBOT, ROBOTS DON'T GET HIGH" "Yeah well, you know... That's just like, an idea in the grand scheme of ideas that reflect... Idealism. Man" "..." "...Alright, I'll go do that thing, I think", Alpha says as he begins pressing random buttons on the control panel. The lights flicker, the refrigerator starts rocking back and forth, the TV begins turning off and on... "THAT'S NOT THE THING, THAT'S NOT AT ALL LIKE THE THING" "Oh man, I have no idea what I'm doing... Wait no, I think I got it" Alpha presses a penis shaped button... A pornography video begins showing on Gabe's giant blue tube. "Ah! Lick my pussy harder you naughty Mexican paraplegic!", the video flickers.

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"Si Senora, your deeck is very hard, si" "AH! AH! AH! TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF" "Wait, think I got it for sure this time, maybe", Alpha reaches for a lever marked "FUCK SOME SHIT UP". ...BACK TO OUR HERO! Morning comes all too soon, yet again. The sand in your eyes bugs and irritates you to no end. The bed's cramped, Hanako's laying with you, again. You really need penetrate her moist and soft interior, but something always seems to go wrong. She rubs up against you and wearily opens her eyes. "H-Hisao... Can we try something... Different?", Hanako mutters as she looks up to you. Looks like she's awake, and more than likely has been for quite some time. Bet she was thinking about this all night, you hope it has something to do with her getting you a sandwich... But it's best not to get your hopes up. "No. Yes. Maybe. Tell what it is first and I'll decide", you say in a daze. "Can we... Roleplay?" "Roleplay...?" "Y-Yes, Roleplay", Hanako gives you that hopeful look. You just can't say no to that face. "Alright?" "G-Great! I'll be a Giant Black Widow, and you'll be my prey" Kinky. "...Kinky"

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That's Kinky. Hanako begins wrapping the blanket around you like a spider... She wraps everything, excluding your head. Eskimo style, it's the greatest style ever. Hanako bites into your shoulder, playfully not painfully. Wait no, Painfully. "OUCH", is what you wish you were saying. But you're a Hisao, and Hisao's don't run. "You know, Spiders need a deposit of protein in order to survive, right~", Hanako says in a... oddly lustful voice. "I-I guess?" She digs her hand into the blankets, and... GRABS A HOLD OF YOUR DICK! "HEY-OH, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" "I need my supply of Protein, Hisao", she says as she brings her head down towards your crotch. Hanako brings your penis out from underneath the covers, and starts touching kinda... unevenly. Oh that's right, Hanako's pretty inexperienced. Oh well, that just makes your manhood harder. "Your thing s-smells funny, Hisao", she says as she stares at your dick a couple inches away. Hanako pokes at it for a couple seconds. "Cut that out" "It's getting harder..." "HISAO USED HARDEN! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!" Hanako starts giggling. "Haha... S-Stop that!" She moves in and gently licks the head of your penis as she slides back the foreskin.

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"Hmmm... It TASTES funny too", Hanako says in a curious tone. ...You move forward, and your dick rubs against Hanako's burnt cheek. "H-Hey!" "OH NO! YOUR PREY IS TRYING TO ESCAPE! YOU BETTER SUCK OUT THE PROTEIN FAST!" "I-I know that!", Hanako looks at your manhood... She really doesn't know what to do. But after much deliberation, she firmly grabs your shaft, and moves her lips towards the head of it. Hanako slowly puts the tip of your penis inside her mouth. ! IT'S WARM, IT'S MOIST, IT'S AWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTT! "Ah!", you jump at the sudden sensation. Hanako begins moving her tongue around... OHOHOHOHO, IT FEELS GREAT! HER SLIPPERY TONGUE IS MOVING AROUND THE HEAD OF YOUR DICK AS SHE TRIES TO DEVOUR YOUR ENTIRE...She stopped!? Hanako starts coughing, looks like you stabbed her in the gag reflex. TEST YOUR MIGHT! ...But she gets right back on it! SHE'S FULL OF DETERMINATION! THAT DICK IS GONNA GIVE HER THE PROTEIN. "AW YEAH GURL, IT FEELS SO GOOD AROUND MY DICK GURL" "GIMME THE PROTEIN HISAO!" "YOU WANT SOME PROTEIN!?"

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"YES!" "HERE COMES SOME PROTEIN-" ! !? Wait a minute... Semen's not coming up.. "OH SHIT! HANAKO WATCH-" YOU BEGIN PISSING IN HANAKO'S FACE! ...No wait, hallucination. Hanako's still going at it with full strength! Hanako continues jacking of the shaft as she sucks the top of your dick... You're... IT'S COMING! "H-HANAKO!", you yell as the piping hot semen begins to exit your manhood. SHAZAM! A tiny bit slips it's way into her mouth, which surprises her, causing your dick to fly all over the damn place and shoot straight into Hanako's face. It begins running down the underwear she's wearing... Curving around her breasts... Oh god, it's beautiful. AAAAAAAND you feel refreshed! "Ah... Thanks Hanako" "ACK, IT TASTES SALTY!" After wiping her face off, taking a shower, and washing her mouth out, profusely, Hanako joins you back in bed. "You OK, Hanabana?" "I-If you're happy I'm happy"

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"Come here", you say as you grab Hanako and hold her tight. ... ....? *SNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFF* "Wow, your hair smells nice" "Th-Thank you?" "Yeah..." ... .... ....... SCHWING! YOUR DRILL BEGINS TO HARDEN AND SPIN AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! "H-H-Hisao!?" "NO TIME, HOOOOORRRRRRRNNNNNNYYYY", you exclaim as you rip off her clothing exposing her beautiful breasts and inviting slit. "Again?!" "AGAIN! YOU READY HANAKO?", you ask with excitement as your saliva builds up. Hanako lays naked before you, she's looking at you with frightened eyes. Your rock hard erection will finally fulfill it's true purpose! "J-just put it in s-slowly...", she's shaking violently... "JACKHAMMERING COMMENCING", you say exuberantly. YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! FINALLY! FINALLY! FINAAALLLLYYYY! YOU'RE GONNA GET LAAAAIIIIDDD-

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!? The room around you suddenly turns white.... Your vision fades... but quickly comes back into play... ....? You're butt naked in the middle of a room full of computers, a giant blue tube with a giant human head looking at you, and a robot that looks like he's smoking a joint. ...You're limp now. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?" "GREETINGS EARTHLING, YOUR HELP IS NEEDED IN SAVING THE WORLD!" "Again? Goddamn." "YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO BECOME... A KATAWA RANGER!" (GO GO KATAWA RANGAAAAH!) "A Katawa Ranger?" (GO GO KATAWA RANGAAAAAAAH!) "Where the hell is that music coming from?" "What music...?", the stoned robot approaches you. It hands you some sort of oversized watch... it has the handicapable symbol on it.. "The fuck is this shit?" "AYE AYE AYE AYEEE, I'M TRIPPING BAAAAAAALLLLLLSSSSS", the robot starts freaking out at your sudden question. "That answers everything, thank you" You take a good long look at the medallion... AND THE POWER WITHIN IT BEGINS SURGING INSIDE YOU! YOUR POWER LEVEL HAS INCREASED TENFOLD!

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"BITCHIN'", you yell with a badass grin. "HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER. Now teleport in the rest of the team, Alpha" The robot stumbles his was back to the computer and 4 more people appear before youWho shall become a Katawa Ranger? (GO GO KATAWA RANGER) "RIN!", you greet her as she appears first. "Hisao" "Wow, you're calm about this" "Calm about what?" "Nevermind" The second person comes out... But she falls down the stairs. "WH-WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON HERE!?" "Lilly?" "Hisao? Where am I?" "You're in some sort of alien base with a intoxicated robot and a giant blue head in a test TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUBE" "...This is quite strange" "I would be freaking out too, except two nights ago I was card dueling an alien skeleton monster over lightning on top of a Bunnyhead shaped Spaceship" "What?" "Not a moment goes by that I don't ask myself that same thing" The third person comes beaming through... It's Shizune, and she looks frightened out of her mind. It's a good thing you youtube'd sign language. You sign to her "Shizune, you're going to become a Power Ranger, except not a Power

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Ranger, but a Katawa Ranger" (GO GO KATAWA RANGAAAAAAHHHHH) ...Then you sign to her "PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS" She looks at you perplexed. "Sorry, messed up my sign language" She signs to you "By repeating the same word over and over again?" You sign to her "I CAN DESTROY YOUR CUNT WITH A MERE THOUGHT" !? The forth person beams in... ! "T-PAIN?" "Oh ey' man", T-pain walks up to you with a box of pizza. "Pizza?" "Ever wrap some 'izza up with Cheeto's?" "No" "Should do it man" "And the can of lube?", you look at his other hand. "Fuckin' some Harpy's, tight holes bro" "You were gonna have sex with Harpy's while eating Cheeto's mushed with Pizza?" "Yeah" "Cool" "NOW THAT THE THE TEAM HAS BEEN ASSEMBLED, IT'S TIME I GO OVER DEBRIEFING!" "You really don't need to, just point us in the right direction and I'll go brofist whatever the problem is until there isn't a problem anymore"

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"Ah, but you see, your BROFISTING caused this very problem" "NONEE!?" "Remember a guy named... BILL CLINTON?" "How could I not, the prick countered my Unlimited Bro Works, which is my Reality Ballsack" "You ended up sealing him with your Finger Bang and locking his dark Bro powers away for good, am I right?" "That's about the gist of it" "He's been freed" "Well, that was the obvious outcome of this conversation, but I'm gonna act surprised anyway" ! !? "HE'S FREE!?" "Yes" "BUT HOW!?" "He formed a contract... On the Moon" "Alright, with you so far" "With a Whanoceros" "A what?" "Whanoceros, a Whale crossed with a Rhino. The most feared beast in all existence" "Not for long", you say as your mind gives a mental image of what who's ass you'll be kicking. "So the Whanoceros has landed on earth, and has begun to terrorize the-" "MAXIMIZE!"

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"What?" "Nothing, continue" "Terroize the world, you're gonna teleport down to him and fight him to the death" "'hat all mane?", T-pain say, ready for some action. "Also he has an army of Velociraptor Samurai's" "Motherfucker!", T-pain says in frustration. "So instead of calling in the army, you summoned five physically challenged people to fight a Darth Bill Clinton, a Whanoceros, and an Army of Velomurai's?" "Well, when you say it like that, it seems like I did something extremely stupid" "Your race is nearly extinct, isn't it?" "I'm actually the last", Gabe's head makes a sad face. "AYE AYE AYE AYE AYYYYYE, PRESS THE BUTTONS ON THE SIDE TO TRANSFORM!" "Transform into what?" "KATAWA RANG-" "Shut up, we're doing it" You fiddle around with the medallion... Where the fuck is that button"Is this it?" You press the button, it lights up. "...No, this one?" The TV comes on behind you. "Holy shit, this thing does everything. What does the big red button behind here do-" FRANCE EXPLODES. "Hmm, nothing. Fuck this", you say as you HEADBUTT THE FUCKING MEDALLION...

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THE THEME TO THE SHOW STARTS PLAYING! "BROKEN HEART!", you say dramatically. LIGHT FILLS YOUR BODY, AS YOUR CLOTHES FORMTHE RED RANGER! It looks like everyone else is doing the same, well except for Lilly. "Lilly, take the Medallion from that crack-head robot and headbutt the front" "That sounds absolutely barbaric" "So does your mom" "...Hisao, sometimes I wish I didn't find you so charming" She feels around for the symbol and headbutts it, gently. "BLINDNESS!", she yells dramatically. THE YELLOW RANGER! T-pain headbutts his medallion. "BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAAAAY, I FUCKED A MERMAID!", he sings dramatically. THE BLACK RANGER!... Who's also black, but not intentionally. Maybe. "...!", Shizune headbutts as well. BLUE RANGER! Shizune's helmet seems to show the words she wants to say in clear red letters. "Uh guys...", Rin says as she looks as everyone. "Yeah- OHHHH, Alpha, just hold that thing out" "WHOA! HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAAAAAME!?", the robot looks at you, paranoid. "...It's written on your crotch" "Aye Aye Aye, You can suck my Alpha sized-" "HIIIYYAAAA", Rin Headbutts the robot's arm off with the Medallion.

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"I HAVE NO ARMS, TO HUG YOU WITH!" Rin becomes- THE PINK RANGAH! "Now for the weapons" "AAAAHHHHH, THAT CRAZY BITCH JUST RIPPED OFF MY ARM" "You're a robot, robot's don't feel pain" Weapons begin appearing in everyone's hand. "I got ay' Ax", T-pain says with a smile. "I received a stick of some sort?", Lilly says with a frown. Lilly's weapon is one of the blind person sticks, with the little tape on the enTHE FRONT OPENS UP AND A LIGHTSABER SHOOTS OUT. "W-What's happening... Rin? Hisao?" "...!" Shizune has herself a Chainsaw, a chainsaw that shoots swords. She revs is with a very frightening grin... "Uh..." Rin looks at the weapon she has. It's a Bow and Arrow. How the hell is she suppose to use"Wait, where's my weapon?" "The budget for this story was cut off" "What?" "Yeah, we pretty much used all the special effects for the semen that shot onto Hanako" "Then what the fuck do I use to defend myself?"

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"Uh... Here" Alpha walks over to you and hands you a black 12-inch rubber dildo. "...." "...." "You know what? You guys can go fuck yourselves." "Sending you down now, good luck" "WAIT HOW DO WE-", you say as the world around you shifts, yet again. You land headfirst into the sandYou're on a beach. Shiiiiiit, this is a horrible place to fight that monster. Everyone falls behind you, after getting a good look at Lilly and Rin's butts, you decide you're in for a bumpy ride. "Lilly, remember the basics of CQC..." "H-Huh?" "Nothing, nevermind. But that weapon you got is a Lightsaber, a Lightsaber for blind people" "H-How do I use it?" "Use the force" "The force?" "The force" "How do I do that?" "Have sex with me, that'll increase your midi-chlorian count" "WHAT? NO!" "Kidding, all you have to do is feel the energy of universe. Life forms, space, that kind of stuff"

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"How exactly does that help me swing a sword?" "You know, I have no idea. But it sounded pretty cool, didn't it?" "Hisao, if you don't have anything helpful-" "Here", you walk over behind Lilly and move her arms around like they were your own. "THIS IS HOW YOU STAB THE AIR!" "I-I don't wanna stab the air" "THE AIR CALLED YOUR SISTER A DYKE, ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THAT FROM SOME UNSEEN PRICK?" "How would the air- More to the point, what's rubbing against my thigh?" "YOU'RE LEARNING THE FORCE AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT SUCH THINGS!? I THOUGHT YOU HAD A BETTER UPBRINGING THAN THAT, LILLY!" "Stop that Hisao, just stop it" "I will not" "What?" "I will never stop being me" "Hisao..." "I may be a impulsive dickface with a weak heart, but even I have my pride" "..." "No wait, scratch that, I don't have any pride. But I do have this Snicker's bar. And I'll eat it, while I'm being myself" "Huh?" "NOM NOM NOM, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER INDIVIDUALISM! OM NOM NOM NOM" "I meant the thing rubbing against my thigh" "Oh that, that's just my penis." "WHAT!?"

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"SYKE! It's my Snickers bar" "O-Oh..." "THIS IS MY PENIS!", you bang Lilly's Lightsaber out of her hands, with a stroke of your dick. "Wow!" "BITCHES BETTER BELIEVE" "'EY HISAO!" "T-pain, what's up" "The sky" "Dohohoho-" "THAT WHALE RHINO THING, IT'S HEAR NIGGA!" "Get your shit together, we're gonna HARPOON THE WHITE WHALE... YAR" ...THE BATTLE'S ALREADY BEGUN! Shizune ultimately took the initiative. you're sure of it. "RIN! DUCK!", you yell as you see a flying Velomurai coming straight for Rin's neck. Rin turns around andSHE FLASH KICKS THE RAPTOR INTO THE FUCKING SKY! "Homerun", Rin says as she smiles. The Velomurai are emerging from the sea, making ear bleeding SCREEEEEEE noises as they charge with their Claw Samurai Blades. YOU CHARGE INTO THE FRAY! "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH", you yell as you begin furiously punching one Raptor Swordsman after another. "HAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHH", One of them swings it blade with precision and accuracy the naked eye couldn't possibly see-

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But you can. AND YOU BROFIST THE BLADE INTO TWO! "SCREEEEEEEEE", the Raptor comes at you with it's teeth. So you ROUNDHOUSE KICK THE MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND! You see more and more coming from the ocean, luckily they're getting their asses handed to them by a bunch of handicapped kids wearing the colors of the rainbow. That sounded pretty gayA HUGE BEAM OF WATER COMES AT YOU FROM THE OCEAN! "AH!", you duck as quick as you can, and dodge the powerful spray. A mountain behind you explodes, that's some powerful fuck waterTHE GROUND SHAKES!? SOMETHING'S CHARGING TOWARDS YOU! "The Whanoceros...", you're sure of it. A TIDAL WAVE APPEARS! THE MONSTER IS RIDING IT TOWARDS YOU, AT FULL FORCE! "RIIIIDE THE WAAATER!", the Whale says in a weird dialect... Very weird accent... NO. IT CAN'T BE! "PARLE VU FRANSAY!", the Whanoceros speaks. This IS quite possibly the most evil creature on the planet. Because... It's FRENCH! "THAT BASTARD!"

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HE COLLIDES WITH THE BEACH IN AN EXPLOSION OF FRENCH TOAST AND TERRIBAD SILENT MOVIES! "OH HOHOHOHO!", it laughs very... French-like. Shit... You can't feel half of your body. The force of that Tidal Wave nearly knocked you out. The girls around you are passed out, T-pain's still with you, luckily. "BEHOLD! M-Y MERMAID ARMAAAY", The monster yells as an army of hot beautiful Meraid's approach the beach. "Hisao" "T-pain..." "When this is all over, lets get ourselves a drink, on a Boat. But you buying, my brother, you buying" T-pain starts marching slowly at the charging army of Merwomen... He shows no fear, T-pain just looks at the bitches and whores, and grins. "Who's first, Baby?" The Army of Mermaid's swamp T-pain, and drag him into the sea. Where he will have to please them all, for days on end. "Godspeed, T-pain, Godspeed", you salute your fallen bro. "GAHOHOHOHO~ YOU AND ME, WEE WEE WEE, TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!" The Whanoceros charges at you with his giant fucking horn, you manage to dodge it, but not his entire body... You fly a couple dozen yards... This looks pretty fucking hopeless... You stand up. You look at death straight in the fucking face.

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"I AM THE BONER OF MY PAN-" THAT MONSTER INTERRUPTS AND SHOOTS ANOTHER BEAM OF DIRTY WHALE SPRAY YOUR WAY! "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bloods sprays everywhere, as the spray hits you directly in the chest... You fall to your knees. "NYAHAHAHAHAHA", the Whale Rhino laughs manically. You raise your middle finger. "HMPH! RUDE PRICK", the bastard says as he charges up his blowhole cannon... The image of Hanako smiling, your friends and family, and House insulting Cuddy appears in your head. This is it. You're going to die. Can't say you didn't see it coming!? You hear something...? YOU HEAR A FLUTE PLAYING ABOVE YOU! A Shining Green Ranger appears above you! "HISAO! NEED A HAND!?" "KENJI? THAT YOU?" "I DON'T KNOW, I THINK I AM" "GODDAMN IT, GET DOWN HERE AND HELP!" "Right, uh... Baby steps.... Baby steps... AH!", Kenji falls from the rock he was standing on above you. ...Very drunkenly...

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He lands beside you. "I LOVE YOU MAN" "You're drunk again, aren't you?" "I'M NOT AS THINK YOU AM DRUNK AS I AM!" "..." "..." "..." "..FEMALE CONSPIRACY!" "WOULD YOU TWEW QUIT BLOWING EAC-H O-THER AND GET INTO THE DAMN FIGHT ALREADY?" "HEY, FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING LLAMA" "I AM NOT A LLAMA" "AND THE GREEN RANGER AIN'T NO PUNK BITCH" Kenji pulls out a loaded pistol. BLAM BLAM BLAM The Whale goes down after a few gunshots, and spits blood as he bleed to death on the ground, painfully. "That's your... special weapon?" "What this? No, I just bring it with me. Can't trust those colored folk" "KENJI!" "I'm talking about the fucking Smurfs that took over the school's sandbox" "What the hell are you talking about?" "Inglorious Bastards, now in theaters" "Alright then-"

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THE CLOUDS SPLIT OPEN! BILL CLINTON APPEARS ABOVE YOU, DARK FIRE BURNS WITHIN HIS GODLIKE EYES! "BEATING MY FRIENDS UP AGAIN, ARE WE HUCKLEBERRY?" "Shut up, you thunder cunt", you say as you stand on your feet. "Or what...? You gonna lock me up again, boy?" "I'll imprison you as many times as needed" "Go right ahead, I dare ya" "You always were a hardheaded man" YOU SUMMON THE POWER INSIDE YOUR HEART! YOU CALL FORTH! UNLIMITED BRO WORKS! "I am the boner of my pants. Steel is my shaft, and fire is my semen. I have created over a thousand used tissues. Unknown to vaginas. Nor known orally. Have withstood pain to create many climaxes. Yet, those hands will never grope anything...."

You stare up at the President of the Universe, with fire in your eyes... Huh? He's not budging? Does he want to go back? Well, if that's the case, you'll be more than happy to send him. "SO AS I PRAY! 'UNLIMITED BRO WORKS!" You say as the world around you changes...

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!? Nothing's happening? "What?" You concentrate harder, and yell the words while channeling the power from your heart. "UNLIMITED BRO WORKS!" ...Nothing. "What's going on?" "Perhaps you should've kept your willy in your pants, Billy" "What did you do, Bill Clinton?" "I thought about those words you said to me that night you sealed my up like candy in a pinata" Clinton begins walking in midair, very... Captivating... "Turns out, that 'Unlimited Bro Works', has some rules. And if you break one of those rules, well then you can kiss you little ol' yellow ass goodbye, Ya little yellow monkey" "I haven't done anything out of the-" "Did I mention I had an agent watchin' you the entire time?" "What!?" "A Ninja, in fact. You must know who I'm talkin' about" "YOU'RE LYING!" "Come on out, Crispy" Hanako appears behind Bill Clinton. ...She's in tears. "HANAKO? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?" She doesn't respond, she merely looks down.

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"Think about the chant, 'nor known orally', 'fraid she sucked you dry, Sugarballs" "I-I'm sorry, Hisao...", Hanako looks at you, crying intensely. "Hanako..." You can't believe this, Bill Clinton just fucked you over, big time. "Oh but that's not all, I'm afraid" "Huh?" Your eyes widen... as you hear a gun click behind you. "Kenji, not you.." "Bill's the leader of the Anti Feminist Organization, Hisao", his slurred speech is now crystal clear. Kenji and Hanako have been playing you all along. Your Unlimited Bro Works is null. You can barely stand. The world is looking darker and darker. "ALSO, I'm gonna heal my ol' French bro here right up, and make him the size of North Dakota" "..." "Looks like you're out of witty words, huh? Don't blame yourself kid, you were simply up against the best. You were an admirable and challenging opponent, but sometimes, that just don't cut it" He looks over at Kenji. ...Bill nods.. A gunshot fills the area with a echoing noise, as the group of Dark Bro's descend into the air. The world is cast into the darkness.

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Will the Katawa Rangers beat this? Will Hisao ever regain is manhood? Did Bill Clinton have sexual relations with that woman? Can you believe it's not butter?

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Last Bro Standing

You open your eyes... Then you close them... Open. Close. Open. Close. Open... Why does this turn you on so? "'EY DOCTOR, HE'S COMING TO", you hear T-pain's voice. You're in... a familiar setting. Looks like a Hospital room, but you doubt you're that lucky. "AYE AYE AYE AYE AYYYYE, GIVE ME THE SCALPEL, WE'RE GOING INTO SURGERY!", you hear Alpha's voice. "But wasn't Hisao already in surgery?", Lilly asks in a worried voice. "KILL ALL HUMANS, KIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL", Alpha begins tripping balls. "Shut up, you little Robo-Spanker", T-pain exclaims as he bitch slaps Alpha. "You know, it's the weirdest thing. He was shot straight in the heart, yet his heart stopped the bullet", you overhear Alpha explain an important plot point. You get up slowly.... It's all coming back to you now. Hanako and Kenji betrayed you, Bill Clinton played you like a fiddle, and that fucking Whale Rhino thing must've grown 50 times his size, because this is a Power Rangers parody, and the bad guy always grows fuckhuge. Your Unlimited Bro Works no longer functions now that you've been sucked off by Hanako.

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But on the bright side, you saved a ton on your auto insurance by switching to Dykeco. You take a good long look around the room at everything... The team around you is wounded heavily, T-pain has a broken hip from Mermaid humping, Lilly's stomach is wrapped up, Half of Shizune's face is covered, and both of Rin's arms are broken. Not quite sure how that last part works. Alpha's in a doctor outfit, it looks adorable. Everyone else is still suited up in their Katawa Ranger gear. ! "GGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!", you grunt in pain and fall back into the bed. YOUR CHEST! FUCK, IT HURTS! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT GODDAMN SHITCUNT ASSFUCKS"H-HISAO!? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?", you hear Lilly yell in a scared tone. You can't let her... You can't let them worry about you. Not now. "Yes, but there's a problem with my ass as there's a crack in it-", you interrupt your usual banter... There's a shining white canister in the opposite side of the medical room that caught the edge of your eyes. Atleast you think this is a medical room... Wait no, this is the Janitor's office. That means you just had open heart surgery done in a Janitor's office. BADASS. "What's that?", you ask while pointing at the beautiful piece of mineral.

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"That...? THAT'S THE WHITE RANGER CRYSTAL", Alpha yells stupidly while flailing his arms around. "Why didn't we use that?", you ask in a curious tone. "It's UNSTABLE. The user could potentially have his entire existence sucked away in the blink of an eye if he made one wrong move..." "Oh, OK then. I completely understand the risks and will heed the advice you just passed onto me" "Really?" "No, put that jizz colored crystal inside my fucking chest and give me super powers" "WHAT!? I-I can't do that" "You can now. T-pain-", you look over at T-pain and watch him put a gun to Alpha's head. "AYE AYE AYE AYE AAAAYYYYE, YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST RANGERS WE'VE EVER HAD!" "You handed me a Dildo for a super powered weapon" "Well, if you're gonna split hairs..." You pick up Alpha with one hand and hold him close to your fucking face and yell, "CHOP ME THE FUCK UP". And after a couple minutes of quick and painful surgery, the White Ranger crystal in now inside your chest. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE POWER OF THE WHITE RANGER NOW COURSES THROUGHOUT YOUR VEINS! But you feel somehow indifferent...? Like you're drained, empty, but it feels like it's filling up. Your head hurts, this shit is confusing. "Hisao, you look as white as polar bear, how are you feeling?", Rin asks in a apathetic yet worried tone. "I'm fine, lets start kicking ass", you say as blood rushes throughout the num ends of your body.

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YOU HEADBUTT THE MEDALLION YOU USED BEFOREPOWER AND BRONERGY BEGINS FILLING YOUR BODY UP! THE SHAKES AT THE POWER THAT SURROUNDS YOU! YOUR UNIFORM TURNS WHITE INSTEAD OF RED, AND YOU GOT ONE BITCHIN VEST WITH ARM PADS. FUCKING DAWESOME. Your body is growing stronger, there's a powerful white crystal in your chest, but more importantly... It's time for payback. "AWWW YEAH NIGGA", T-pain gets up and the two of you high five. Shizune gives you a thumbs up, Lilly gives you a smile, and Rin is picking her ear with her toe... Looks like things are beginning to look up"Hate to interrupt the circle jerk, but we have an even bigger problem now", you hear a voice coming from inside your helmet. Must be the floating Gabe Nowell head. "What? How can things possibly get worse?" "Bill Clinton's got himself an army of Nazi's" "NAHNEE!?" You flip on the conveniently placed TV nearby. "This is Richard Inuranus reporting live for News Channel 5, where apparently a Army of Nazi's have begin flowing into Japan, more at 7. Back to you Tom" The station flips back to the News Anchors. "Oh them Nazi's, will they ever learn? Now today's top story, Pokemon. Evolutionist's wet dream?-" You flip off the TV.

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We better take care of the French Monster thing... Correction, they'll have to take care of it. You and Kenji have some unfinished business. "Alright team, I'm going after the Green Ranger, and you're gonna form some sort of giant robot and battle the Whale Rhino in the meantime" "How we gonna do that man? We don't even have a Red Rangah anymore" T-pain raises a good point"Excuse me?", a mysterious voice comes from behind you. A weird looking man walks in towards the group dressed in the Red Ranger outfit. "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm David Bowey", he says as he puts on the helmet. "But you can call me, David BROwey", he says while making a manly stance. ...Fuck it, this man looks trustworthy. "Alright, you guys get together and go whoop some ass" "Okey dookie", Rin says with a smile on her face. You all run outside. "LETS FORM THE MEGAZORD, MOTHERFUCKER", T-pain says in a loud tone. "HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER", Lilly says unexpectedly, causing you to laugh. The five of them raise their medallions to the sky, and yell "GO GO KATAWA RANGAH!" FIVE GIANT OBJECTS DESCEND INTO THE SKY! FIRST, A GIANT WOODEN WALKING CANE MACHETE. SECOND, A GIANT HEARING AID SHOTGUN. THIRD, A GIANT CONTAINER OF MEDICATION PILLS, THAT EXPLODE. FORTH, A GIANT WHEELCHAIR WITH FOUR CHAINSAWS ON EACH WHEEL.

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AND FIFTH, A GIANT FLYING GOLDEN BROFIST. They begin combining before your very eyes. The Katawazord comes into fruition. Container is the body, Brofist on one hand, Shotgun in the other. It rides away amazingly away on a wheel chair, the chainsaws rotating around chopping the ground, leaving fire in it's wake. You have total confidence in their power. The manly White Crystal inside your body beats towards where you know Kenji is... The rooftop of the school. ... YOU DIG YOUR FEET INTO THE BRICK WALL OF THE FUCKING BUILDING, AND SLOWLY WALK UP. FUCK THE STAIRS. You make it to the roof, Kenji is at the tip looking off into the distance. "So you've come" "It was an accident, it's really breezy on the side of he building" "What?" "Oh, forget it.", you cover up the stain in your pants. "..." "You and me have some unfinished business" "No we don't" "Alright, I guess I'm just here to kick your ass for putting a fucking bullet in my chest" "You think it'll be that easy, bro?" "Don't call me that, you're not my bro anymore"

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"Hisao, you're the only friend I've ever had. I got no one else to call bro" "Friends don't shoot friends in the fucking chest" "They do too" "Only when they're drunk" "Which I was" "But I wasn't" "Pfft, whatever" "Why did you do it, Kenji?" "You ate all the Poptarts" "No, seriously" "Because you always stole the fucking spotlight" "Spotlight?" "I never get to do shit anymore, you're always choosing to go after tramps instead of hanging out with me. It makes me feel insignificant" He begins walking towards you. "But now that I'm the Green Ranger, I'm grabbing the spotlight. I'm calling the shots. And I'm gonna be the one who saves the day" "From what? You're causing the mayhem you prick" "Clinton and I know that the female conspiracy has to be wiped out" Kenji removes his glasses, his tinted green eyes peer out. "At all costs" "So that's how it is" "THAT'S HOW IT IS!-" Kenji disappears and reappears in front of you.

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He punches you straight when you were shot with his brass knuckles around his Green Ranger gloves. "HYAAAAAAH!", you jump back in pain... Looks like... Its on. ...YOU PUNCH KENJI STRAIGHT IN HIS FUCKING FACE! He falls backwards but it turns into a backflip. Kenji's helmet suddenly covers his face. Yours does the same. White Ranger. Green Ranger. Heave or Hell. Let's rock. "RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!", YOU YELL AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS! "GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH", KENJI YELLS BACK FIERCELY! THE TWO OF YOU PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE SIMUALTANIOUSLY! "HAA!" "AAAARRRHHH!" Punch. Slam. Kick. Slash. The motions of your fight cannot be seen by anyone but yourselves.

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Kenji's leg comes around to kick you in the shoulder. But you counter it with a swift brofist to the shin. YOU CHARGE AND JUMP! "RIDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH KKKKKKIIIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKK!" Kenji powers up his fist. "FFFFFFAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOONNNNNN!" Kenji unleashes one of the most devastating attacks in the universe. And it catches you straight in the face. The punch blows away the White Ranger helmet you had on, and scrapes against your cheekbone. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!", you get blown back off the rooftop. You land onto the cement foundation that is the parking lot. "COME ON HISAO! YOU CAN DO BETTER", Kenji says while letting out a laugh. He jumps down towards you, he intends to dig both his feet into your stomach as you lay flat on the ground... BUT YOU GET UP! AND YOU"SHORYUKEN!", your fiery uppercut catches Kenji in midair and sends him flying into the roof of a Van. His helmet also begins falling apart... And his left eye area is gushing blood. "Good enough?", you reply in a sly toneKENJI JUMPS DOWN FROM THE VAN AND RIPS OFF THE CAR DOOR! HE FLINGS IT AT YOU WITH SUPER HUMAN SPEED AND STRENGTH! ...You stare at the incoming car door that'll surely rip your head clean off....

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SO YOU JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW IN MIDAIR AS THE CAR DOOR GOES THROUGH YOU! The glass cuts you up slightly, but it's not too painful. Kenji's doesn't waste time as heCHARGES AT YOU WITH THE FORCE OF A TRAIN! AND YOU CHARGE RIGHT BACK AT HIM! THE TWOS OF YOU EXCHANGE BLOWS... AND CONTINUE PUNCHING EACH OTHER RELENTLESSLY! BLOOD BEGINS SPRAYING EVERYWHERE AS THE TWO OF YOU BEAT EACH OTHER TO HELL AND BACK. The sun begins to set... Your shadows continue battling each other, the physical forms in the sunset, continueing the bloody fray. But... The two of you begin to feel fatigued... AND HIS FIST MISSES YOUR FACE! ...You are the boner of your pants. Steel is your shaft, and fire is your semen. You have created over a thousand used tissues. Unknown to vagina's. Nor known.... anally. Have withstood pain to create many climaxes. Yet, those hands will never grope anything. "SO AS I PRAY, 'UNLIMITED BRO WORKS!'", YOU YELL WITH MANLY SPIRIT!

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You're not sure if this will work... FUCK IT, IT WILL WORK. YOU WILL FUCKING WORK! AND IT DOES! The world around you shifts into the Reality Ballsack. Giant Brofists occupy the plain, and the area is endless. "Kenji, you're facing the epitome of Bros. Unlimited Brofists are completely unbeatable. Surrender and give up your crazy quest for-" "No. It's beatable." ! "What!?", your eyes widen. Kenji's not lying...? !? KENJI!? HE'S... HE'S BEGINNING CHANTING THE SAME EXACT WORDS"KENJI! STOP! I CAN ONLY HANDLE THE UNLIMITED BRO WORKS" "You're right, Hisao. Someone as strong as you can only handle the Bro Works. So I'll simply..." Kenji's eyes turn deep red with power. "...Become stronger than you" "H-HUH!?" Kenji finishes the chant and walks toward you... "SO AS I PRAY... "'UNLIMITED BEER WORKS!"

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...THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF BEER BOTTLES APPEAR FROM UNDERGROUND! HIS REALITY BALLSACKYOUR REALITY BALLSACKTHE BALLS ARE TOUCHING!? "Now, lets have our final battle, Hisao!" "LETS GO!", you yell with passion as you rush towards Kenji, the Brofists around you charging with you. Kenji begins rushing at you as well, his beer bottles turn into Brown Brofists full of manly drinking substance. The clash cannot be described with words. CLASH! SLINK! RAAAPOW! THE BROFISTS BEGIN BROFISTING EACH OTHER IN A FOLLY OF DESTRUCTIVE FORCE! THE CHAOS THAT SURROUNDS YOUNo. Kenji's your only target. You must put an end to his mad intentions. But that's not the real reason you want to beat him. He needs this as well. Kenji and you need to finally measure up against each other. And so you do, IN A EPIC CLASH! YOUR FISTS CONNECT WITH EACH OTHER! THE TWO OF YOU BEGIN POURING ALL YOU ARE INTO THOSE FISTS, AND IT TURNS INTO A FIST-OFF!

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"GAH!", you fall on one knee as his force of Bronergy overwhelms you... "YOU'RE WEAK, HISAO! YOUR TIME IS AT IT'S END! HAHAHAHA!" "..." You do nothing but stare into Kenji's bloodshot red eyes with manly spirit. "AARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!" Kenji become infuriated. "FALL DAMN YOU! FAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!" You summon all that is awesome inside your body and overexert yourself over the bounds of any normal human being. And with one powerful thrust the likes of which the world has never seen, you attack back. "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR RRRRRRRRR!", you yell at the top of your lungs. YOU BROFIST KENJI'S FIST SO HARD, IT SPLITS APART!!! "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!" , Kenji screams in pain. The world around you shifts. ? This isn't where you and Kenji were before...? Where!? YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE WHALE RHINO! Looks like it's been defeated by the Katawazord, you notice the giant fighting robot walking in the Ocean away from you... Weird place to randomly appear.

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! KENJI! You notice Kenji's sitting down, with blood rushing out of the place that used to be his arm. "KENJI!" "Yeah, Hisao?", he looks up to you, completely unfazed. "..." "It's nothing but a scratch..." HIS LEG SUDDENLY BURSTS OPEN! BLOOD FIRES OUT! "HHHNNNNNRRRRRRGGGG", Kenji kneel down, the sun setting right behind him. "STOP MOVING YOU MORON!" "I can't do that. I can't stop. Not now.... Not... ever", Kenji says while spitting blood everywhere. "I GIVE UP, SO STOP MOVING! IT'S NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE, DAMMIT!", you say hoping to save your fallen bro"I can't accept that. I'm gonna beat you...." He gets up on one leg. "Or I'm gonna die trying" KENJI JUMPS AT YOU WITH HIS FIST RAISED OUT!...You don't have any other choice... "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA", he yells with his last breathe. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!", you yell in retaliation. Your fist knocks the life out of Kenji.

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And he stumbles over to the edge of the Whale Rhino's back... ...Kenji manages to turn around as he tips off the edge. He smiles. "You're pretty good", he says as he makes a sign with his one remaining hand. ...Kenji falls off into the bloody ocean... A single tear rolls down the side of your face... It begins raining as the world shares your pain. You stand up on the highest point of the Whale Rhino, which is it's horn that's sticking out of it's ass. T-pain's work no doubt. You look to the sky, full of passionUNTIL YOU REALIZE... BILL CLINTON'S FACEIT'S ON THE MOON! He carved it on the face of the moon. That bastard... He's taughting you... You're coming for him now. And you're gonna kill him. Hanako... You look up to the sky. "Hanako.. I'm coming for you" You teleport back to the Rangah base, it's time to end this insanity once and for all. ...Elsewhere.... "MIEN FUHRER! ZE GREEN RANGER HAS BEEN KILLED IN GLORIOUS BATTLE!", A Nazi

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commander reports to Bill Clinton as he sits on a throne. "It was that fucking heart kid, wasn't it?" "YEAVOL" "I knew we should've shot him a couple times in the head like a lil ol wascally wabbit" Bill gets up and walks over to Hanako, who's chained up by his chair. "Your friend's alive apparently, ain't that gonna be a bitchin' reunion?" Hanako spits in Clinton's face. "Bitch, no girl will ever resist my charm. Not ever" Bill Clinton bitch slaps Hanako across the room, but the chain yanks against Hanako's neck causing her to choke. "His-", Hanako begins coughing. "His... HISAO!", she yells with tears in her eyes. "What?" "H-His name is Hisao! Y-You power hungry dickface!" "Hey now, we're trying to have a civil conversation, and you're starting all that shit up? Have some common sense girl" He kicks Hanako in the stomach, gastric fluids come out of Hanako's mouth. "You best realize I can do whatever I please, I'm the President of the Goddamn Universe." "Bill", Hillary flies into the room with vaginal rocket. "Yes, Hillary?" "Are we gonna use 'it'?", she asks with a smile. "Go ahead and summon it, honey", Bill gives her a thumbs up. She gives a horribly creepy grin and she pushes a nearby button.. A laser beam fires down from the moon into the sea...

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A FORCE FROM UNDERNEATH THE OCEAN BEGINS TO RISE. THE DREADED SEA GOD EMERGES FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA... ONLY THIS TIME, HE'S HALF ROBOT. CTHULHU MECHA-CTHULHU

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Inglorious Brosephs
THUNDER STRIKES THE WORLD SHAKES AN UNKNOWN TERROR RISES FROM BENEATH THE SEA, DESCENDING UPON THE NEAREST COUNTRY WITH MURDEROUS INTENTIONS. You open your eyes, looks like you were teleported back to the Ranger base after beating Kenji in a Unlimited Bro Works duel to the deathTHE BASE HAS BEEN WRECKED, THE FLOATING GABE NOWELL HEAD IS NOW IN RUINS, AND IN IT'S PLACE, A FUNNY LOOKING FAT GUY LAYS, DYING. "GABE!", you run over towards the Ranger Commander, occasional tripping on the wreckage. "HANG IN THERE MAN, I'M GONNA USE A PHEONIX DOWN" You take a nearby feather and begin stabbing the poor fat guy with it. "JUST FUCKING STOP IT, CHRIST.", Gabe says irritated-like. "Well, looks like you're gonna die. Sucks to be you. Can I have your Playstation?" "Hisao, listen to my final words" "You have my undivided attention", you begin to daydream about Darkwing Duck. "I want you, and the team, to always know I loved you guys. Even in the short amount of time we spent together. It was the happiest moments of my life. Take this to heart, Hisao. You have my eternal gratitude." "Oh, sorry. I was miles away. Did you say something?" He grabs hold of your White Ranger vest and pulls you close. "A MONSTER THE LIKES OF WHICH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WOULD FEAR BY THE VERY MENTION OF IT'S NAME ROAMS THROUGH JAPAN!" "But can it see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?" "JUST GO THERE AND KILL IT. KILL IT, WITH FIRE..." Gabe's grip grows weaker.

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"REMEMBER TO... BUY... LEFT 4 DEAD 2.... ONLY ON STEAM." Gabe's hand falls to the ground. The fat man, is now a dead fat man. You poke his blubber, it shakes. Hehehehe, this could provide hours of fun. Alpha's behind you, his presence like a ninja. But his voice more annoying then Gilbert Gottfried. On a lighter note, this entire story will now be read in his voice. "Alpha, is that where the Katawazord and the other RANGAH'S are heading to? To fight that Monster?" "Are you going to join them?" "HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER. WE'RE GONNA BE LIKE 'WAPOW', AND THE MONSTER'S GONNA BE LIKE 'RRRRRAAAAHHH', AND THEN I'M GONNA BE ALL LIKE 'BROFIST', AND THE DAY WILL BE SAVED-" ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Eh? Alpha disappeared? Oh, nevermind, he's in the corner getting high. That's... weird. "What the fuck? Did you just freeze time or teleport or some shit?" "AYE AYE AYE AYE AYYYEEE, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING TO GO RESCUE HANADOH" "Did I?" "Remember? You got a phone call like an hour ago, some guy's holding Hanako hostage over at your school. It's obviously a trap in order to keep you away from the other Rangers!" You're even more confused now. "..."

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"What's wrong with you?" "I don't remember any of that" "NAHNEE!?" "What's happening to me?" "I TOLD YOU THE WHITE CRYSTAL WAS UNSTABLE, I TOLD YOU", Alpha begins flailing about like a fucktard. "The White Ranger Crystal? What's that jizz colored thing got to do with anything?" "IT'S SUCKING AWAY YOUR EXISTENCE! IF YOU KEEP USING IT, SOMETHING EVEN WORSE THAN DEATH WILL OCCUR" "I'll just cease to exist?" "YES, LET ME GO GET THE SCALPEL, I MUST CUT YOU." "No." "DAMMIT! WHOOPS I MEAN- WHAT? WHY!?" "This is the only way I'll be able to beat Bill Clinton." You walk over towards the teleporter, and peer at Alpha from behind. "I guess I'll save Hanako, and then you teleport me to the Rangers and we kick some ass." "Why can't I just teleport Hanako in and save you the trip?" "Because that would make too much sense" "Actually, we have a problem. There's only enough power for one more teleport" "How far away would the other Rangers and the monster be from the school?" "OH, YOU'LL SEE IT, but shouldn't you get something to cover your face first?" Oh yeah, that's right. Kenji broke your White Ranger Helmet apart. You look around the room, YOU GRAB THE RORSHACH MASK. YOU'RE NOT WALKING INTO A TRAP MADE FOR YOU, THEY'RE WALKING INTO A TRAP

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MADE BY YOU! "HURM", you hurm. "Gotcha", Alpha says as he flips the lever. The school surrounds you as you teleport right into the courtyard. Sheesh, so much has happened in this place. You've only been here a few months, but it's felt like your entire life. BUT ENOUGH TALK, YOU MUST FIND HANAKO, YOU MUST FIND HER, AND FUCK HER. THAT'S WHAT BATMAN WOULD DO. TRUST THE BAT. "HANAKOOOOOOOOO!", you yell Lilly's name into the empty school building. Your spidey senses are tingling, she's here... THE TEA ROOM! YOU SLOWLY WALK OVER TOWARDS THE SCHOOL BUILDING. "HURM", you question the trajectory of the jump you're about to make combined with the level of aptitude of your physically condition. They replaced the window's of the Tea Room, with bulletproof glass. This could take awhile... UNTIL YOU HEAR THE BARK OF A DOGNo wait, it's a man in a German Shepard dog suit, a fucking furry... "HURM?", you look over at the rabid stray furry. "HURM....", you look at the bulletproof glass. THE GLASS SHATTERS AROUND HANAKO, WHO'S TIED UP IN A CHAIR, LIKE A CLICHE, AS A MAN IN A DOG SUIT FLIES THREW THE WINDOW! "HMMMHMM?", Hanako muffles.

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"RRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRLLLLLLL", you express your dismay against the force of the window frame. YOU JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW AND ROLL ACROSS THE GLASS, LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT. ...? Hanako's... alone? This has to be a trap"HURM!?", you notice the beans by Hanako's foot. "BEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSS" ...!? YOU DUCK! THERE'S A MOTHERFUCKING WHOOSH SOUNDA GOLDEN CHAIN CRUSHES THE WALL ABOVE YOU! "HURM!?", you question who's there. A lean and menacing looking old man in a suit hovers towards you from outside the window. ...No.. It can't beIT'S"BOB DOLE'S HERE TO SAVE THE DAY, BOB DOLE STYLE", Bob Dole expresses Bob dole's current state of mind. "HURM?" "BOB DOLE DOESN'T NEED A REASON TO KICK ASS" "HURM!" "ENOUGH OF THE TOMFOOLERY, LET BOB DOLE INTRODUCE BOB DOLE'S STAND, DOLEMITE"

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A funky looks black guy hovers behind Bob Dole, like a marionette. Dolemite sends a golden chain your way. "HURM-", you dodge roll. !? Everything the weapon touches turns to solid gold. The chain strikes Hanako's chair, causing her to fall sideways. This is bad, if that chain touches Hanako, you won't be able to have sex with her later. "RRRRAAAARRRRLLLLL!", you Rarl as you jump out of the window and attempt to Rider Kick Bob Dole. "HAHA, YOU'RE TOO SLOW FOR BOB DOLE. BOB DOLE MOVES LIKE A BUTTERFLY AND STINGS LIKE A BEE, BOB DOLE-" After landing, You take off your shoe and put a couple big rocks in it. You throw your shoe at Bob Dole's face. It connects, with surprising efficiency. "AW! YOU THREW A SHOE AT BOB DOLE, BOB DOLE DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO SHOE THROWING-" You walk over behind Bob Dole and snap his neck like a twig. "BBBLLLAAAFFFSSSS", Bob Dole says as blood sputters from his mouth. He falls to the ground... !? SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPENYOU JUMP BACK INTO THE TEA ROOM, AND BRACE FOR EPIC. AN EXPLOSION FILLS THE SIDE OF THE SCHOOL, A VOICE ECHOING OUT"THE DOLE!"

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After a couple minutes of silence, you untie Hanako and bring her to her feet. "H-Hisao...", she begins to cry. "Hurm......", you say romantically. "Oh Hisao, y-you always know what to say!", Hanako hugs you tightHER EYES WIDEN! "HISAO!", Hanako turns you around. The furry's gotten back up, looks like her was Bob Dole's assistant. "L-Look man, I promise I'll never yiff or yaff a-again", he begins pleading for his life. "HURM...", you slowly walk dramatically towards him. "PLEASE MAN, JUST TAKE ME TO PRISON OR SOMETHING, I HAVE A PROBLEM!" YOU TAKE OUT A KITCHEN KNIFE YOU HAD TUCKED AWAY IN YOUR PANTS AND IMPALE HIS STRAIGHT IN THE FACE! "MEN GO TO PRISON, DOG'S GET PUT DOWN", you continue hacking away at the furry scum for a good hour. "H-Hisao? What about the monster Bill sent?" "HURM!", you get up, and pick up Hanako like a trophy. She fights alittle at first, but you're simply bigger and stronger.... She's actually starting to like it. Her butt feels great... "HEIL HITLER!", you hear a Nazi's outside... Appears as though they're invading Japan... You sneak towards the parking lot with Hanako... Kenji's car is parked rather oddly against the curb, and it's still running. Must've left his keys inside before he decided to fight youWHAT!?

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THE GREEN RANGER CRYSTAL... IT'S POWERING THE VEHICLE!? "BADASS", you grin hard underneath your Rorschach mask. "U-Um...", Hanako's looking down. There's bags of Dorito's and Red Bull cans in the passenger seat. "Just shove the stuff into the back-" "HALT!", you see a Nazi commander walking behind you... YOU BACK UP INTO HIM, AND THE LICENSE PLATE CRASHES INTO THE NAZI'S BALLSACK SO HARD, HE PUKES AND FALLS TO THE GROUND. The car backs up over the Nazi with ease, you've never driven too much before. But how hard can it be? A Nazi squad's running towards you, guns firing all over the damn place. You ram them at full speed, running over a dozen or so before you drive your way into the main street. "Wow...", Hanako's gawking at somethingHOLY FUCKING SHIT, THE MONSTER YOUR BROS ARE FIGHTING IS THE FUCKING HEIGHT OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING"Cthulhu...", Hanako begins shaking violently. "THIS IS GONNA BE FUCKING HILARIOUS" "Hisao?" "What a piece of cake, I'll kick that thing's ass, defeat Bill Clinton, and be back in my room with you for hot sexing's before supper" Hanako smiles. "Lets go kick it's butt!", Hanako does a pathetic cheer. ...BUT YOU HIGH FIVE HER ANYWAY!

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By the time you get there, the Katawazord has seen it's better days. Half of Cthulhu is metal, which means he has to be following orders... Ah. You spot Hillary Clinton dressed in a Nazi uniform, her rocket vagina helping her fly by the beast. She must be controlling Mecha-Cthulhu. You'll kick her ass later, but first... YOU DRIVE THE CADILLAC AT FULL SPEED INTO A PARKING BUILDING, UNTIL YOU HIT THE ROOFTOP! "Y-You're not seriously gonna..." "HELL YES I AM" "Why do I even ask-" "BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID, BUT I LOVE YOU, SO IT'S COOL"

You wait until the Katawazord comes into view... THEN YOU BROFOOT THE PEDAL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING METAL AND FLY OFF THE GODDAMN BUILDING. YOU LAND ON TOP OF THE GIANT ROBOT AND BROFIST THE GREEN RANGER CRYSTAL POWERING THE VEHICLE. THE KATAWAZORD RECOGNIZES IT, AND BEGINS MERGING WITH THE CADILLAC. ENTIRE ZORD ITSELF BEGINS TRANSFORMING... THE CHAIRS YOU'RE SITTING IN SLOWLY DESCEND INTO THE COMMAND ROOM! "Hey guys, miss me?", you say with a shit eating grin as you emerge where your comrades are. """""HISAO!""""", THE GROUP CHEERS! "'EY MAN, GLAD YOU MADE IT. 'FRAID I WAS GONNA END UP HAVING TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS THING", T-pain greets you in his usual manner.

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"I don't even remember your name", David Browy mutters. "Hisao.", Rin gives a half smile. "Salutations Hisao", Lilly greets you. "...!", Shizune gives you the middle finger. Playfully. "ALRIGHT GUYS, LETS SHOW THIS DICKNOSE HOW HANDICAPPED KIDS PLAY" THE KATAWAZORD FORMS INTO THE MEGAS XHC! *This is where you play the theme to Megas XLR* "LETS GO!", YOU YELL WITH MANLY PASSION, AS THE CONTROLS FORM AROUND YOUR HANDS. MEGAS HOPS ONTO THE NEAREST BUILDING, AND USING IT'S MOMENTUM, YOU JUMP TOWARDS THE DICKNOSE'S FACE. "LILLY!" "RIGHT!" LILLY FEELS AROUND FOR THE "LASER BEAM NIPPLES" BUTTON, AND PRESSES IT WITH A GRIN! Laser beams shoot out from Megas's nipples, and directly into Mecha-Cthulhu's eyes. ">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>&g t;>>>>>>>>>>>>>!" Mecha-Cthulhu scream shakes your very being. It's different from an ordinary shout, it's scary... BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE. CTHULHU THROWS ON OF IT'S MECHANICAL TENTACLES DIRECTLY AT YOUYou don't dodge it. Nor do you let it strike you. Instead....

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YOU GRAB HOLD OF IT AND POUR ALL THE STRENGTH YOU HAVE INTO MEGAS'S GRAPPLE SYSTEM. "RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH", you yell as you begin to spin MechaCthulhu into a couple of the tall buildings, causing it to spill some fish guts all over the place. "RIN!" "Hisao." RIN HEADBUTTS A CERTAIN BUTTON... LABELED "ROCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER". Using some of the reserve part from inside, Megas begins to form a giant electric guitar in it's hands. ...A CHAINSAW ELECTRIC GUITAR! "T-This is amazing!", Hanako yells completely in awe. "Chicks dig giant robots", T-pain makes a smart observation. YOU BEGIN CHOPPING AWAY AT CTHULHA, EACH SWIPE SOUNDING LIKE A BADASS GUITAR RIP. FIRST YOU CUT OFF HIS TENTACLES, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT HE COULD USE THOSE FOR. THEN YOU CHOP OFF HIS BODY, BIT BY BIT"<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<&l t;<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<&l t;<!", Mecha-Cthulhu lets out a shriek as he fire a laser beam from his robotic eyeball. It strikes Megas! Completely ripping through the Chainsaw Guitar and making a direct hit on the body. "WWRRRRRREEEE WRRRRREEEEE", the inside of Megas begins flashing red. "Don't worry, I've got this." David Browy begins recalibrating Megas XHC, cutting out damaged parts and programsIT'S BACK TO 80 PERCENT EFFICIENCY, IN LESS THEN THIRTY SECONDS.

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"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?", you ask in pleasant shock. "Hello, I'm David Bowey", he gives you a thumbs up. THE CREATURE IS CHARGING THE FUCK BACK UP FOR ANOTHER LASER BEAM"T-PAIN!" "Cool" T-pain reaches for the "MAN THE HARPOONS" button that's flashing red. And a giant harpoon forms up in Megas's right arm. "SKEWER THAT MOTHERFUCKER!", Lilly yells, making you giggle softly. "HHHHIIIYYYYAAAHHHHH", you throw the harpoon, impaling Mecha-Cthulhu directly in it's Mecha-eye. IT CAUSES THE EYE TO EXPLODE, GLORIOUSLY! HALF THE BEASTS FACE BLOWS OFF! It kneels down, it's time to finish this. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", you HEADBUTT THE "DESTROY FUCKING EVERYTHING" BUTTON. MEGAS TRANSFORMS, EVERY ORIFICE HAS A ROCKET OUT A LASER HIDDEN INSIDE IT. HELL, SOME OF THE ROCKETS HAVE LASERS ATTACHED TO THEM, JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT. EXPLOSIONS ROCK THE ENTIRE CITY, AND THE ENTIRETY OF MECHA-CTHULHU'S BODY IS BURNING FROM THE EXPLOSIONS AND LASER. ...But he still lives... "AHAHAHAHAHA! FOOLS!", Hillary Clinton points at the Rangers while flying in the air from her Rocket Vagina. "HE CANNOT BE BEATEN! NOT AS LONG AS I STILL BREATHE!" All of Megas's projectiles and weapons have been used up...

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Wait! THE WEAPON YOU GOT FROM WHEN YOU FIRST BECAME A RANGERTHAT DILDO! "Pop open the front" "Hisao?", Lilly asks questionably. "Trust me" THE FRONT OF MEGAS OPENS UP, AND YOU WALK OUT, DILDO IN HAND. Hillary Clinton stares at you from above. "Hahaha, you have to be joking me, child", she smirks. She's high up in the air, completely out of anyone's throwing range... But, you're not just anyone. YOU'RE HISAO NAKAI! DESTROYER OF CUNTS! SO YOU TOSS THE RUBBER DILDO WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, IN THE MOST DRAMATIC AND TEAR JERKING WAY POSSIBLE. THE DILDO SHAKES IN THE AIR AS IT... AS IT... AS IIIIIITTTTTT...!? ... .....! IT STRIKES HILLARY RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE. "WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT", she yells as she covers her eye. SHE LOSES CONTROL OF HER FLIGHT PATH AND CRASHES RIGHT INTO THE MEGAS..! Her landing path, it's right in front of you. Goddamn you're good.

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Hillary Clinton struggles to her feet, and begins cursing like crazy. "BURN IN HELL! YOU LITTLE SHIT!", Hillary yells as she points her disgusting rocket vagoo your way. IT BEGINS TO CHARGE UPSO YOU SUMMON ALL THAT YOU ARE, AND LIVE UP TO THE NAME YOU'VE BEEN USING ALL THESE YEARS. "Know this Hillary Clinton, when you reach Satan, tell him I sent you. Hisao Nakai, DESTROYER OF CUNTS!" YOU CUNT PUNT HILLARY SO HARD, HER VAGINA EXPLODES MAGNIFICENTLY, MAKING HER IMPLODE INTO A MESS OF HUMAN PIECES THAT FLY EVERYWHERE! Mecha-Cthulhu turns Grey, and falls to the ground, causing an earthquake of epic proportions... "WE D-DID IT HISAO!" Hanako runs to you and hugs you. THE RANGERS CHEER! YOUR CHEERS ECHO THROUGHOUT GROUND ZERO... Ouch, maybe you shouldn't have fucking destroyed everything. Aw fuck it, you never come this way anyway"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" AH! AAAHHHHH! YOU'VE NEVER FELT SO MUCH PAIN BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE. THERE'S NO WAY TO CALM IT DOWN. AHHHHH.... AH! IT FEELS LIKE SOMEBODY'S SHOVING A KNIFE INTO EVERY POINT OF YOUR BODY...

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YOUR LIFE... YOU CAN'TEVERYTHING'S BEGINNING TO FADE! YOUR CHILDHOOD, YOUR FIRST KISS, YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS, IT'S SLIPPING! "NO! COME BACK! H-HISAO!", you hear Hanako's voice. You snap to and throw up immediately. The reflection in the Robot's armor.... You... There's... Blood's seeping through your skin...? Well, this isn't looking good... "BRO!? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU", T-pain runs over to you, his hat falling off on the way. You slip back on your Rorschach mask, must've fell off awhile back. "...Forget it" "FORGET IT!?", Hanako yells in anger. "Yeah, it's nothing I can't handle." "ARE YOU INSANE?" "Only on the weekends" "THIS IS SERIOUS, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU?" Huh. Angry Hanako is... Scary as hell. That kinda... helps you forget the pain"WELL, HELLO THERE BUTTERCUP!" No.

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Not him. Not now... You look around, Bill Clinton's standing on top of Mecha-Cthulhu's body. "Got the girl I see. It's all good, she needed alittle bit of hope. I love it when they struggle" "I guess this was gonna happen sooner or later, huh?", you answer back to him, blood coming through the mask.

"Tell me boy, why do you fight?", Bill asks you with a stern look on his face. "Survival mainly" "Survival? That don't make you any different from a goddamn animal, surely you're more civilized than that" "I suppose taking out the trash is necessary every now and again" "That's what I like to see. Harness that anger you got there, you know, you'd make a good Sith" .... "The darkside has it's benefits you know, do whatever you like, stay up as long as you want, hell, I can even fix that lil ol Crystal you have plunged into your chest." ...! "I know everything boy, having some memory problems...? Hahaha, I bet it's pretty rough" ......... "You know you wanna. What'd you say, partner?" YOU PUNCH BILL CLINTON IN HIS SMUG FUCKING FACE. "Hahaha, I was kinda hoping that would be your answer" "Fuck you, Fuck the Darkside, and Fuck the day you were born. I'll make sure you won't hurt anyone ever again" "You can try"

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YOU CHARGE AT BILL CLINTON! "TAKE THIS! MY LOVE! MY ANGER! AND ALL OF MY SORROW-" Before you could finish that quote, Bill raises his right fist. "It was over before it even began, shameful" BILL CLINTON UNLEASHES A BROFIST WITH THE POWER OF THE MOON ITSELF. IT'S TOO BIG, YOU CAN'T DODGE IT! YOU TRY DESPERATELY TO COUNTER BROFIST AND WATCH AS THE FEEBLE EFFORT IS BROUGHT WITH NOTHING BUT FAILURE. BILL'S DARKFIST PLUNGES INTO THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR BODY, COMPLETELY TAKING OFF YOUR LEFT ARM! "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH!", you scream in pain. Y-YOUR ARM. ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, MOTHERFUCKER. IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS! Ha... You're going into shock. You're shaking violently... "I haven't even started with you, boy", Bill walks over to you as you bleed pathetically. "H-Hisao!", Hanako rushes Bill Clinton in hopes of helping you out"Bitches should learn their place", Bill says softly as he BITCH SLAPS HANAKO INTO A NEARBY BUILDING. "RUSH THAT MOTHERFUCKER!", T-pain yells as Rangers charge Bill Clinton. One by one, they fall before his might. Until only Shizune remains.

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She grabs T-pain's Ax as she glaces over at the bloodied and battered body of her Comrade. "This is pathetic, get out of my sight, dreck", Clinton says with a frown. "...!" Shizune flips Clinton the bird as she charges at him with T-pain's Ranger AxA hole suddenly appears in Shizune's stomach... She can only look down as she falls to her knees and begins to die. "Back to you boy, since there are no more interuptions, I think I'll repay you for before. You remember, you imprisoned me because you couldn't beat me. This isn't much of a seal actually, it's a realm made only for torturing people to death, slowly", Clinton raises his middle finger at you. "No living thing in this entire universe will ever feel as much pain as you will today" He snaps his fingers... Your vision turns black...? You could barely see before anyway! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAHHHHHH! DEATH YOU WANT TO DIE

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THIS HURTS OH GOD STOP STOP STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTO PSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP STOP IT! ...!? Hanako's face suddenly appears in your mind. She's... smiling? Hanako... Lilly... Shizune... Misha... Rin... Emi... Kenji... T-pain... They all fought with you, for you, against you. They were your friends, your lovers, your brothers, your sisters, they were you. You have to see them again... You refuse to die like this... But you simply don't have enough power left in your body-

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"Hey... Whoever can hear me", you begin to plea to the world, forgetting the agonizing pain. "Raise your fist to the sky and believe in me" You fill with power. You fill with hope. You fill with.... Brofists. YOU BREAK OUT OF THE GODDAMN DIMENSION AND APPEAR BEFORE BILL CLINTON. "Sheesh kid, it ain't no fun if I make your death fast-" YOU USE THE ONE HAND YOU HAVE LEFT AND PUNCH BILL SO FUCKING HARD HE FLIES THREW DOZENS OF FUCKING BUILDINGS IN A HAIL OF BROFISTS. He gets up and begins walks towards you, slowly. "THAT.... PISSED ME RIGHT OFF!" HIS DARK BROFISTS PUMMEL YOU FROM EVERYWHERE CONCEIVABLE, WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS, HE ATTACKS YOU RELENTLESSLY... YOU NEED MORE POWER! "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHH" YOU BLOW AWAY THE DARK POWER WITH THE POWER OF YOUR OWN. YOU'RE NOT GOOD. YOU'RE NOT BAD. YOU'RE YOU. AND YOU'LL BE DAMNED IF SOME PRESIDENTIAL ASSHOLE FUCKS WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS! "Hisao...", T-pain says weakly as he holds his crystal in his hand... The others do the same? THEY TOSS ALL THE KATAWA RANGER CRYSTALS TO YOU, AND THEY MERGE INTO YOUR BODY!

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THE POWER YOU FEEL NOW...! Hmmph. You could care less about it. YOUR ONLY CONCERN IS TO END BILL CLINTON AND HIS AMBITIONS! ONCE... AND FOR ALL! YOU PUMP UP YOUR FIST, THE ATTACK YOU'RE GONNA USE IS 100 TIMES STRONGER THAN THE UNLIMITED BRO WORKS! BECAUSE... IT HAS THE POWER OF ALL THE BROS IN THE WORLD BEHIND IT! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", BILL CLINTON BEGINS CHARGING AT YOU WITH HIS FULL POWER! "EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE, LEND ME YOUR BROFIST! LET EVERYONE'S FIST CONNECT AS ONE, AND LET'S SEND THIS EVIL MOTHERFUCKER FLYING!" THE BRO'S OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE UNITE! IT'S TIME TO END THIS CHARADE, ONCE AND FOR ALL! "GAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCC CC!" "RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" "BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO" "DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE EEEEEE!", BILL CLINTON DESCENDS UPON YOU! "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTT!" BUT IT'S TOO LATE! THE BROFIST YOU UNLEASH CATCHES BILL FUCKING CLINTON AT FULL POWER! "W-WHAT IS THIS SHIT!?"

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"It's friendship, something you'll never achieve" "WHAT KIND OF GAY BULLSHIT IS THAT!?" "The kind.... THAT SENDS YOU INTO THE FUCKING MOON!" YOU LAUNCH THE BROFIST, CLINTON WITH IT! "GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH!" HE RIDES IT ACROSS THE SKY, ACROSS THE ATMOSPHERE, ACROSS SPACE! AND YOU... BROFIST THE FUCKING MOON! WITH THE POWER OF EVERY BRO IN THE UNIVERSE, BILL CLINTON'S BODY COMPLETELY FADES AWAY FROM THE SHEER AMOUNT OF BRONESS! A giant fist is imprented on the moon's surface. "Damn right, motherfucker." You collapse to the ground. "Damn right." You close your eyes, knowing your mission is finally over. It's time... to close your eyes. And rest. Light fills your eyes. Your senses dim. The world around you shifts. ...Huh? You're in... a park? Ugh, you're also on a bench, one of those crappy wooden ones.

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But... your head... it's on something soft and warm. You look up. Hanako looks down. Your head is resting on Hanako's lap. "Where...?", you ask barely awake. "A-Ah, you're awake Hisao, but you should go back to sleep now. I k-know you're t-tired..", Hanako looks at you with tears in her eyes. ...? Why is she crying...? Why are your eyes so... ...Heavy? "P-please... You need to rest. Please sleep, please sleep, p-please...", Hanako begins crying profusely. You bring your hand up and wipe Hanako's tears away. Oh... Your hand. It's... fading? That's right, White Ranger being a hazard and all that. You never thought it'd go this far. "Don't go Hisao, I don't want you to go" "I know..." She brings you head to hers. "So you don't h-have to go... right?" "Hanako...", you give her a pained look.

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"WHAT!? WHAT! YOU'RE HISAO, Y-YOU CAN DO ANYTHING-" "Hanako, thanks" "W-What...?" "I don't mean to give one of those cheesy one-liners for my last words, so I'll just say.... Thanks" "L-Last words...?" You feels your body lifting. "Don't cry too hard, I'll always be right there", you rub against Hanako's heart softly. "H-Hisao...", she's crying like there's no tomorrow. "Y-You're the only other person I even talk to... what am I going to do without you?" "Live" "..." "Just do enough living for me too, it'll balance things out. Also it wouldn't hurt to get breast enlargements." She begins to smile. "I have to go now, Hanako." Her nose sniffles, and sheds a tear as she says, "Sayonara, Hisao" "Sayonara, Hanako." You fade away into the sky. Months pass. Hanako returns to where she buried your remains and that White Crystal. ...? Your grave... there's flower blooming all around it. Hanako begins crying, softly.

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Everything around is desolate, but your grave is glorious. "Life really is amazing.", Hanako begins talking out loud. "You're born, you live a life you're destined to go down, t-then you die, and become part of the earth. I-Is this the circle of life everyone talks about?" She kneels down to your grave and places a rose in the dirt. It looks grotesque compared to the beautiful flowers around, but she doesn't think you'll mind terribly. "I'm living for you, Hisao. I'll be with you one day, so wait for m-me" Hanako gets up and walks away, a new found way of life opens up to her. And she intends to live it to it's fullest. For you. True End Unlimited Bro Works route finished Heaven's Grope route unlocked Fate/Stay in the Kitchen route unlocked

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Fate/Stay in the Kitchen

You look around, it's a public restroom. This place looks familiar, as if you've been here before. Deja Vu is a menstruating bitch. There's a man washing his hands beside you... IT'S YOUR FATHER! But that's not striking your fancy, you notice a machine of some sort next to him on the wall. It's pretty, and it looks fun to use. IT MUST SUPPLY CANDY! "Daddy? Can I have some Candy?", you point to the condom dispenser. He looks at you, and gives a sigh. "Looks like it's time I give you the speech..." He kneels down to you and points to the right side of the machine. "Those are rigged for her pleasure, the first time. After that, don't waste the extra quarter." He gets up and puts on sunglasses. "Now you've become a man, lets go get a burger" You and your father pimp stride outside towards the car, the diner behind you explodes. The room shifts, your eyes adjust to the light and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles neon curtain rods. AH. It was a dream, maybe. Kinda. Sorta. Possibly. In some way. Dreams suck, it's never about motorboating Kate Beckinsale or what House MD the movie would be like. It's always you doing something that ends in disappointment, like so many things that that sentence can be compared to. You get up, a breeze rolls in and you... Nothing happens.

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This day's already doomed. WHICH MEANS ONLY ONE THING. GOD'S AFRAID OF THE PROGRESS YOU'VE BEEN MAKING IN LIFE. It's been a couple months since you've came to a School for Disabled people, but you've gotten used to things. Hanako's trusting you more, Lilly's breasts still jiggle with the morning light, Misha learned her ABC's, Shizune's thinking with portals, Rin's now a star baseball player, Kenji's been drafted and killed in Vietnam allegedly, and Emi now has an odd obsession with Witches. So basically Witches and Wars. You get up out of bed lazily-But your morning wood catches the blankets, and they roll off with you. "FUCK" FUCK. You shake the covers off your Dilly Willy and walk over towards the fridge. BREAKFAST TIME. BLUE KOOL-AID. HEART PILLS. NO FRUITS OR VEGETABLES. ZEBRA CAKES ONLY. BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS. After guzzling down your manly breakfast, the noise outside begins to increase. That's right, today's the day of the goddamn festival. You forgot what it's about, leaving you a tad bit curious. Normally you'd avoid social outings, but right now you have an erection, and you love showing off your erection. Especially during children's birthday parties and the Zoo.

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You get dressed, slip on your bunny slippers, put on your cool face, and head outdoors into the crowd of people. Today's festival is XBOX HUGE, people all over the damn place. Normally, people would want to avoid going to a school full of crippled people. But not if the Crip's are handing out Funnel Cake. Bitches love Funnel Cake. You wander around aimlessly, like always. Funnel Cakes, Gold Fish catchin', Carnival rides, Hot dog eatin' contests... How the fuck did they manage all this? Was their some sort of meeting you missed? ? You hear... music playing? You walk over toward the edge of the school, towards the very tip of the festival ground, following the music like the pie eyed piper. Something catches your eye, off in the distance, you see... Rin? She's next to something twice her height...? It's... WHOA-! IT'SA GODDAMN ROBOT! "A GODDAMN ROBOT!" It's a goddamn robot. "Hisao.", Rin looks your way as you walk up, apathetically. "Rin." "Like my Science project?", she walks over towards the Robot. It's a fat thing, megaphone installed in the Robot's mouth area, red lighted eyes, and a microphone in one hand... "How the fuck did you get yourself a robot?", you ask.

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"I built it in a cave with Tony Stark.", Rin says as she twirls a wrench with her toe. THE ROBOT SUDDENLY POWERS UP AND WALKS YOUR WAY. IT STOPS A COUPLE FEET AWAY FROM YOU, AND STARES DOWN. "Hi", you greet the robotic giant. "...", it stands there, emotionlessly. "You know what? Fuck you too.", you begin to walk awayMUSIC BEGINS BLARING OUT OF NOWHERE, AND IT'S CATCHY AS FUCK! THE ROBOT LIFTS IT'S MICROPHONE UP TO IT'S MEGAPHONE FOR SOME WEIRD REASON. "AHHH GONZALES-UU, I HAVE METAL JOINTS, BEAT ME UP AND EARN 15 SILVER POINTS!", the robot sings beautifully. You stare blankly at Rin's science project. BATTLE MUSIC STARTS PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD. "DUUUUUUHHHH DDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH", you hum. "Hisao, you're not going to win", Rin observes. "NIGGA, YOU CAN WIN THESE NUTS", you grab your junk like a retard. Rin cracks a smile. "WWWWAAAAHHHH TAAAAAAHHHH", you Roundhouse kick the robot. ! AH! MOTHERFUCKER! YOUR FOOT SLAMS AGAINST THE METAL EXTERIOR AND BREAKS UPON IMPACT! "CRITICAL HIT!", you yell in pain. You limp away while humming the theme to Rocky.

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The Robot scratches it's head, and shapes it's hand into a fist. "I DON'T THINK SO, YOU... YOU DOUBLE ROBO!", you serpentine. SLAM! BAM! ALAKAZAM! The fist connect with your body and sends you flying into the air. "TEAM ROCKET BLASTING OFF AGAIIIIIIIIIINNNN-", you ding in the sky. You awake several moments later laying down in a bed. You see Nurse JoyNo wait, that's Rin in a Nurse's outfit. SEXYWait, how did Rin put on a Nurse's outfit? "SUP BABY, WANNA MAYBE COME BACK TO MY PLACE AND KATAWA SOME SHOUJO? EH? EEEHHHH?", you put on your cool face. "You know, you were brutally beaten by a singing robot, fatally injured, and you fell from atleast 500 feet in the air. How you're talking right now is nothing short of a miracle", Rin says in a cold fashion. "NOTHING A COUPLE MINUTES OF BED REST WON'T FIX" A couple minutes go by. "FUCK YEAH!", you hop out of bed, good as new. Nope, no broken bones or internal bleeding for you. YOUR CONDITION IN NOW GREAT! "I'M GONNA KICK THAT ROBOT'S ASS NOW" "Really?", Rin looks at you in her usual neutral style. "No just kidding, actually I'm hungry. Wanna go eat some funnel cake?" "I love Funnel Cake"

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"Bitches love Funnel Cake" "Am I bitch?" "Are you- That's a fucking trick question and you know it" The two of you head out, back into the Festival. "Rin! UU~" Emi's running towards the two of you, she's dressed odd. "HEY EMI" "What's up, Hisao!", she replies with a smile. "HEY EMI, WITCHES DON'T EXIST" She turns red. "THEY DO TOO, UU~ UU~!", she UU~'s. "No they don't" "YES THEY DO!" "No the don't" "YEEESSS THEY DO!" "No they don't" "YES THEY DO!" "No they don't" "YES THEY DO!" "Yes they do" "NO THEY DON'T! "They do too" "NO THEY DO NOT AND THAT'S FINAL!"

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Emi walks away with her head held high. "How long do you think it'll take for her to realize?", you turn to Rin. "Oh I'm sorry, I was too busy thinking of a certain question" "What would that be?" "Why do they call the Free Fair... Free?" "It's because-" Wait, why DO they call the Free Fair free if nothing's free? "I think you just blew my mind, and it was so cash" "I'm hungry" "No you're not" "Yes I am" "No you're not" "Yes I-...", she stops and looks at you with a uneasy face. Suddenly, an annoying familiar voice comes booming through what sounds like a Microphone with peanut butter inside. "COME ONE, COME ALL! TO SHIZUNE AND MISHA'S TIIIIIME MAAAACCHHHIIIIIINNEEE, WAHAHA!" "...!" "SHIZUNE AND MISHA'S? YOU DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING YOU STUPID BITCH! WAHAHA-" "...!" "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT OUT LOUD? ARE YOU RETARDED? STOP TALKING INTO THATSHUT THE FUCK UP MISHA- Oh wait, I'm Misha" Misha stops awkwardly. "A... Time Machine?", Rin says to herself with lust.

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"...Uh... Wanna go see it?", you ask while taking candy from a little kid. "Hisao, I would like to see it" "That's what she said, WAHAHA-", you stop. Rin's looking at you with horror in her eyes. "OH GOD", you yell, "IT'S SPREADING!" You feel your hair beginning to curl into drills. "H-HELP MEEE!", you reach out to Rin. "Uh...", Rin looks at her stumps. "God... Dammit", the world explodes. You wake up. "Hisao? You snapped out of it there for a second, everything honky doorie?", Rin asks in a worried tone. "Yes... I don't have time to be... playing with myself...", you exclaim. "What?" "Nothing, lets go see that Time Machine" "What Time Machine?" "D-Did I dream that?" "No, I'm just messing with you", Rin gives you a half smile. "You're getting a spanking when we get back" The two of you head towards where the crowd is gathering. "WAHAHA!" You hear a laugh... but nobody around... "HA! HIICHAN CAN'T SEE ME. YOU CAN ONLY HEAR ME. I'M LIKE A FART..." "You smell like one too", Rin says in her usual fashion.

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"TEHEHEHE", you giggle like a girl. Misha jumps out in front of you... like a ninja. "HIICHAN! WANNA GO BACK IN TIME!?" "I-" "I KNEW YOU'D WANT TO, WAHAHA~!" "Hold on-" Misha takes you by the arm and drags you towards a giant machine built like that thing from Stargate. It's name escapes you. "I'll be watching Hisao, bring back some swords or something", Rin says as she walks off. "NO ES BUENO!", you yell in french. Misha bulldozes through the audience and brings drops you next to the circular part of the machine. Shizune greets you next to the machine with a pat on the back, and dusts you off as she begins signing. "Hiichan, I want you to simply walk into Mordor", Misha speaks for her. "Wait what?", you ask in a perplexed manner. "WOOHOO! GO HISAO!" "ATTABOY KID!" "HOLY SHIT, THAT DUDE'S GONNA GO BACK IN TIME" The crowd behind begins cheering you on. "I don't even know how this thing works", you say knowing it'll fall on deaf ears. Literally in this situation. "...!" "START THE TELEPORTER UP, MISHA!", Misha yells in excitement. Shizune stares at Misha for a good minute.

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"Oh! Gotcha!", Misha yells as she flips a lever over by the side of the machine. THE MACHINE STARTS UP! TIME AND SPACE DISTORT CREATING A VORTEX OF UNKNOWN PROPERTIES! "Uh... Guys?" "DON'T BE A PUSSY HIICHAN, THIS SEEMS LEGIT", Misha gives you a thumbs up. "I'd rather not" "...!" "PUSH HIM IN, MISHA! WAHAHA~" Shizune stares at Misha for a good minute. "Oh! Gotcha!", Misha walks towards you. "DON'T MAKE ME KEEP MY PIMP HAND STRONG!", you yell at Misha. "Hey Hiichan, Hugh Laurie is behind you!" ...It's worth the risk. You turn around. "What? No he's not- Oh goddamn it" MISHA PUSHES YOU INTO THE PORTAL OF TIME, WHERE THEIR EVIL IS LAW. NOW YOU SEEK TO RETURN TO THE PAST AND UNDO ALL THAT IS AKUYou fall right through the portal and onto the ground at the other side of the machine. "...Uh... Did I go back?", you look around. Nope, looks the exact same. "...?" "OH DAMMIT! WE FORGOT THE FLUX COMPACITOR!" The crowd boos and begins to disperse. Well, that's a load off.

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You can't find Rin anywhere... Screw it, Dexter's gonna be on in like 5 seconds. You begin running towards the dorms, pushing and punching everything that gets in your way. A couple of kids are nothing but a pile of broken and battered flesh after you're done jogging through in your bunny slippers. But... "HISSSAAAAOOO!" Oh fuck. You hear a angry voice behind you. Emi descends upon you like AIDS. "WITCHES EXIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSTTTT!", she exclaims as she latches onto you with gusto. "WITCHES DO NOT EXIST!", you fight back, but Emi's grip is too tight. "UU~ UU~ UUUUUUU~", Emi start's UUing like the Fist of the North Star. Fuck... What to do... YOU CANNOT MISS THE NEWEST EPISODE OF DEXTER! YOU FUCKING LOVE DEXTER! "RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!", YOU CONCENTRATE ON EMI'S NONEXISTENT BOOBIES. AND.... AND.......! YOU GIVE YOURSELF AN ERECTION THE SIZE OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT! "BANKAI!", you yell in excitement. You poke Emi's crotch area with the tip of your erection. "Eh...?", she looks down towards the foreign object.

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Her face freezes, she wants to let out a scream, but her throat just won't allow it. "H-H-H-H-Hisao!? W-W-W-What is th-that?", she looks at you with a freaked out face. Oh anime women, always scared of them penises. "IT IS MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY SORROW" Emi slowly slides off you and onto the ground, butt first. "SEE? WITCHES DON'T EXIST, BITCH" You turn 360 degrees and walk into a wall. THE DOOR TO YOUR ROOM SLAMS OPEN, YOU'VE HAD A LONG DAY, YOU MUST EAT, WATCH DEXTER, MASTURBATE, THEN SLEEP. Not necessarily in that order. You head towards your fridge while imagining Michael C Hall singing and dancing in the movie Gamer. Goddamn that was awesome. "OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY" The excitement builds.... Luckily you made Jello ahead of time, delicious Jello... You open the door to the fridge-

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A Witch in Time
GIANT FUCKING HANDS COME OUT AND DRAG YOU INTO A RIP IN TIME INSIDE THE FRIDGE. OH GOD. YOU'RE SPINNING AROUND IN CIRCLES, THERE'S CLOCKS AND CIRCLES AND SHIT ALL AROUND YOU. "WWWHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA", you yell at the sudden change. YOU FUCKING HATE CHANGE! SHIT! LIGHT ENGULFS THE FIELD OF VISION, YOUR SENSES DIM. THE UNKNOWN AWAITS YOU... GIANT FUCKING HANDS COME OUT OF YOUR REFRIGERATOR AS YOU REACH FOR JELLO, AND PULL YOU INTO A SPACE TIME VORTEX. "NAHNEE!?" THE WORLD GOES DARK... AT THIS RATE-! ...YOU GUESS IT CAN'T BE HELP. "BANKAI KAMAHAMAHA ZA WARUDO GIGA DRILL BUSTER FALCON PUNCH!", you yell while beating off furiously. ...Nothing happens. "FUCK", you lose your consciousness like a punk bitch and descend into darkness. GAME OVER. Credits Main Programmers Jeff T. Spooner P. Enis Written by

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Walter Subject Eugene Snuffalopigus Richard Ineranus Voice Cast Jason Statham as Hisao Christopher Walken as Kenji Samuel L. Jackson as Rin Alex Borstein as Emi Morgan Freeman as Professor Rexicus Steve Blum as Everyone else You scored 0/1600000 points. You unlocked shitty concept art of the hallways Congratulations, asshole. "GRROOFFFLLLPPP", you gasp for air as you awaken underwater. What the fuck just happened? ...Oh fuck it, this kind of stuff happens to you on a daily basis, you don't really care anymore. It's a great thing you had that fake suicide pill in your pocket, though you have to question where you got that from in the first place. Maybe Rin slipped it into your pocket, while you were knocked out. She does weird things after all... But then how did she reach your pockets with no hands? Hehe, the PS3 has no games. ! DA AIR! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ARE UNDERWATER, AND WATER'S RACIST AGAINST LAND DWELLERS. YOU BET WATER JUST SITS ON A PORCH ALL DAY HOLDING A SHOTGUN WATCHING PEOPLE GO BY, GETTING DRUNK, AND GETTING IN BAR FIGHTS WITH AIR. RAAAAAW, STOP THINKING. SWIM! SWIIIIIIM! After a couple seconds of rustling about, you swim towards the surface of the body of water

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you awoke from. You emerge from the top, the sun shines directly on you, so it takes a moment for your eyes to adjust to the new locationWHHHOOOOOOAAAA! Holy shit. The land around you is lush in jungle department. Beautiful trees surround you, a gentle and calm breeze swifts through your hair, a pretty little mini rainbow shines over the pond... ..Lilly would love to see thisOh wait. A peaceful and serene jungle environment surrounds you. THOSE CHIPMUNKS ARE EYEBALLING YOU. "FUCK YOU RODENTS, YOU STOLE MY MOTHER'S VIRGINITY AND NOW YOU'VE COME FOR MINE" You take off your shoe and toss it at the Chipmunks in blinded rage. THUMP THUMP HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG OH GOD YOU'RE GONNA DIE THUMP THUMP CALM DOWN CALM DOWN CALM DOWN... You calm down. "Whew, close one-" ! "Eh?"

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! The ground is... shaking? ! Something's getting closer. !! THE WATER IS MOVING WITH THE GROUND VIBRATIONS... !!! OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK!? !!!!!! "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH", You hear a scary roar. "HOLY ZEN" There's a huge figure approaching you, it's a fucking Trex. It stops about ten feet away from you, he's holding something in his tiny little arm. It's your shoe your threw earlier. "NICE SHOE, FAGGOT", the Trex speaks in an angered tone. "YEAH, WELL, NICE FACE ASSHOLE", you man up against the Prehistoric Turtlesaurous. HE BEGINS TO STAMPEDE TOWARDS YOUYOU JUMP INTO THE DARK WATERY ABYSS! HAHA! LET'S SEE THAT FAGGOT CATCH YOU NOWBONG.... BONG.... "Huh?" You turn around-

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HOLY SHITTING FUCK, A SUBMARINE MANNED BY DINOSAURS IS BEHIND YOU. "I should've known", you remind yourself that nothing ever makes sense. A GIANT TORPEDO SHOOTS OUT AND HITS YOU DIRECTLY IN THE PENIS. IT CARRIES YOU TOWARDS THE WALL OF THE LAKE. YOU WHIP OUT YOUR DICK AND BEGIN HUMPING THE TORPEDO JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT. THE WATER ERUPTS IN A EXPLOSION OF RED MURKY WATER. YOU DIED. "I WILL DESTROY BRITANNIA!" "I WON'T LET YOU!" "YES, YOU WILL!" "FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT" "I HAVE DESTROYED BRITANNIA" "NOW YOU MUST DIE" "I HAVE DIED" "YOU HAVE DIED" The end. You throw popcorn at the screen. "WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH TERRORISM!?" YOU STOP, AND RAISE YOUR ARMS IN THE AIR LIKE A PUPPET ON STRINGS. ...You begin snapping your fingers. "HEY FOLKS HERE'S A STORY BOUT MINNIE THE MOOCHER", you begin singing beautifully. The T-Rex stops in it's place and looks perplexed. You move your arms down and continue snapping your fingers stylishly.

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"SHE WAS A LOWDOWN HOOCHIE COOCHER" A couple of other Dinosaurs start to frequent the area. "SHE WAAAAAS THE ROUGHEST TOUGHEST FRA~IL BUT MINNIE HAD A HEART AS BIG AS A WHALE!" You start dancing. "HI-DE-HI-DE-HI-DE-HI", you point to the audience. "Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi?", they all begin to sing awkwardly. "HO-DE-HO-DE-HO-DE-HO!" "HO-DE-HO-DE-HO-DE-HO", they repeat in unison. "HE-DE-HE-DE-HE-DE-HE!" "HE-DE-HE-DE-HE-DE-HE" They start mimicking your dance moves, and the Dinosaurs begin to join you. A Stegosaurus begins moonwalking while the T-Rex does the Monkey. "HI-DE-HI-DE-HI-DE-HOOOOOOO!", you sing. "HI-DE-HI-DE-HI-DE-HOOOOOOOOOOOO!", they sing. YOU AND THE DINOSAURS ARE NOW DANCING AROUND WHILE SINGING MINNIE THE MOOCHER. HOLY FUCK, THIS IS AWESOME. YOU NEVER KNEW DINOSAURS FUCKING LOVED SWINGER MUSIC"VrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" !? What was that? You look up"THE BRITISH ARE ATTACKING!", one of the Pterodactyls yells in shock.

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"WHAT" "RUUUUUN!" Suddenly, F-16's frequent the sky, as the Red-Coats begins dropping bombs everywhere. So this is how the Dinosaurs went extinct, huh. THE FOREST GETS SET ABLAZED! You take out your Cellphone and snap a photo. ...How the fuck are you gonna send Hanako a picture from millions of years in the past? Just the thought of the reaction of her receiving the image, fills you with demented laughter. You know the minute she sees the flames she's gonna make 'that' face... ...That face... THUMP THUMP OH GOD. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGThe world around you fades away, your senses dull, and all sound vanishes in a instant. When you open your eyes again, you're in the middle of the kitchen. "W-What the Monkey fucking...?" D-Did that just happen? You take a couple of minutes to collect yourself. Dragged into some sort of vortex via your Fridge, sent back in time to when the Dinosaurs existed, danced and sang with them before the British came and bombed Dino-land, and then you had a Heart episode and... you... are suddenly back here? A Multitude of questions begin to fill your mind, and it will take a good while to figure them all out. ...But first... You call Hanako.

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"M-MOSHEY MOSHEY?", she picks up. You begin breathing heavily into the phone. "WHAT'RE YOU WEARING... HOT STUFF" "W-WHO IS T-THIS!?" "ARE YOU NAKED...?" "WHAT!?" "Just fucking with you, it's Hisao" "I-I knew that" "You shouldn't answer phones without looking at the caller ID, young lady. I am disappoint." "Oh, Shut up" "Hey, I'm sending you a photo" You shoop in "Saw this, was thinking of you =3" and send Hanako the photo. "...!", you hear panicking over the other end of the phone. Your work here is done. DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY CHAMPION OF RIGHT SWOOPS OUT OF THE SHADOOOOWS DARKWING OWNS THE NIGHT SOMEWHERE SOME VILLAINS SCHEME BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP, 3, 2, 1You stand up and raise your hands to the ceiling. "DARKWING DUCK! WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE YOU CALL DEE DUBYA"

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You grab the nearest hat you can find, it being your Rorschach face and hat combo.... You put them on and put on your lowest most painful voice imaginable. "LETS GET DANGEROUS!" ! Your phone starts going off. ...WHO IS PHONE!? You walk over towards the Cellphone and pick it up. "DEE DUBYA!?" "T-This is Hanako-" "YOU CAN'T FOOL MY, NEGADUCK", you shout into the phone. You hang up and throw your phone to the ground, it explodes upon impact. After putting out the fire with fireproof Porno magazines, you take a look at your Rorschach outfit... YOU TAKE OUT SOME SCISSORS AND SNIP IN SOME HOLES FOR EYES, THEN TAKE OFF HALF THE MASK, AND THROW ALL YOUR CLOTHING INTO A CAN OF PURPLE PAINT YOU STOLE FROM RIN TO GET HER BACK FOR BEING IN A BIN. SHE'S A RIN. RIN'S DON'T BELONG IN BINS. WHAT A SIN. After drying off your new Darkwing Duck outfit, you slip it on and jump out of your window. No reason in particular. Stairs are small-time. You just time traveled, Shizune was working on Time Traveling, this works out so well it's criminal. The Student Council door stands in your way... You begin to open it"NO. THIS ISN'T DANGEROUS ENOUGH."

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YOU KICK THE DOOR OPEN AND ROLL INSIDE. Shizune and Misha are in the middle of changing, interrupting them right now would be rather rudeWHOA! SHIZUNE AND MISHA ARE IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, THEY LOOK DELICIOUS. WHAT DO BRAS AND PANTIES TASTE LIKE? CHICKEN!? YOU HOPE SO. "...!" "Hiichan, get out! Wahaha" "BUT THIS IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE, LADIES. FOR YOU SEE, I WENT BACK IN TIME" "...?" "Fo reals?" "FO REALLY REALS" "...!" "How did you Time Travel, Hiichan?" "SOME HANDS CAME OUT OF MY REFRIGERATOR AND DRUG ME INTO THE JURASSIC PERIOD, AND THEN I DANCED AND SINGED WITH DINOSAURS BUT WAS INTERRUPTED WHEN THE BRITISH LUFAFA BOMBED EVERYTHING" "..?" "And you really expect me to believe that?" "LOOK AT MY ERECTION, ERECTION'S ARE MADE OUT OF HONESTY. WHEN A MAN HAS AN ERECTION, HE SPEAKS ONLY THE TRUTH" "...." "Okey Dookie! Come back in five and take off that ridiculous outfit" DID THAT DEAF BITCH JUST INSULT DARKWING DUCK!? BLASPHEMY. "I HAVE A BETTER IDEA!", you walk over towards Shizune, your erection growing with each passing step.

325

"...!?" "W-What are you doing...? WAHAHA!" "LETS. GET. DANGEROUS!" You take off your pants in the blink of an eye. "...?" "Hisao, are you going to rape me or something?" "WELL, IF YOU INSIST" YOU CHARGE HER AT FULL FORCE...She pulls out a can of Mace from the desk. "BITCH, I'M DARKWING DUCK" You take off your hat and block the incoming sprays. "...!" "Use the Tazer, Misha! Oh wait, I'm Misha" Misha pulls out a Tazer from outta nowhere and points it at you. ...BUT IT'S TOO LATE! YOU KICK THE TAZER OUT OF MISHA'S HAND AND RIP OFF HER BRA. "...Eh?", Misha looks down, unsure how to act in this situation. But you don't want Misha right now, YOU WANT SHIZUNE'S FINE ASS. She's staring at your member, entranced really. OH ANIME WOMEN, ALWAYS SCARED OF THEM PENISES. You walk over to Shizune and placed your hands firmly on her breasts. "HONK HONK", you say with a smile. You back off and pull your pants up.

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"Just fucking with you guys", you put on your cool face. "HIICHAN! THAT WASN'T FUNNY!", Misha begins to angerly object to your titty grabbing. "....!", Shizune begins to laugh uncontrollably. Looks like you've marked your territory as dominant male. After a long and drawn out explanation of what exactly you did, Shizune reaches a conclusion. "............!", Shizune signs like the Fist of the North Star. "Hiichan, do you believe in Witches?" "NO" "...!" "Because that was the work of a Witch, Wahaha" "BULLSHIT, WITCHES DON'T EXIST" "...!" "Misha, draw a Vortex on the board and a Witch next to it!", Misha says enthusiastically. "...", Shizune gives Misha a long, hard, erect look. "OH! You didn't want me to say that- you want me to DO that! I'm so stupid" "STUPID? BITCH, YOU JUST PLAIN DUMB", you do your best black guy impression. Misha walks over to the chalk board and hesitates. "She... Doesn't know what a Vortex or a Witch looks like, does she?" "I DO TOO HIICHAN! JUST WATCH ME!", Misha talks back with sass. Why you outta.... Misha stands there for a good minute and begins drawing. .... ......

327

....She draws a penis. "PENISES AREN'T VORTEX'S, PENISES AREN'T AT ALL LIKE VORTEX'S" Shizune writes on a piece of paper with like Light Yagami and passes you the sheet. "Just pretend it IS one, Hisao" "Whatever, where are you going with this anyway?" "You'll see!", Shizune write back. The Deaf one signs to the stupid one. "Draw the Witch? GOTCHA!" Misha draws another penis. "Alright, now this is just getting ridiculous." "Ah! Don't worry Hiichan, I'll label them!" Misha draws little penis-shaped letters. "Are Dicks the only thing you can draw?" "YEP!" "So that's your disability. Well, I'll be damned." "Anyone Hisao, what I was trying to do is show you that a Witch from a alternate timeline or different time period could've penetrated the space time continuum resulting in a anomaly that can't really be rationally explained-", Shizune writes. "OH OH! CAN YOU HAVE MISHA DRAW A SPACE TIME CONTINUUM VAGINA NEXT TO THE PENIS WITCH? THAT'LL BRING ME UP TO SPEED" "Bottom line, your problem is a Witch" "THAT'S FUCKING STUPID" "You're fucking stupid", she writes. "YOU'RE A TOWEL"

328

"You're a towel" ...You end your meeting in a stalemate or sorts. It's getting late, you'll call it a day. The dorms seem quieter than usual, silence would do you some good though. You put the key into your door"H-HISAO! DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!", you hear Hanako's voice? "FUCK YOU, YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER. MY MOTHER WAS TWICE THE MAN YOU ARE. NOW EXCUSE ME-", you end your usual asshole banter rather quickly. When the door to your room EXPLODES! YOU BACKFLIP INTO THE HALLWAY, AVOIDING THE BOOM. "HAHA! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE", you laugh. The door to your room hits you face first and you fall to the ground, door on top of you. "H-HISAO!? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?", Hanako asks in a worried tone. "WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M DEAD. SHIT. DON'T TELL MY PARENTS THOUGH, THEY MIGHT GET MAD" You lose consciousness.

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The Super Deluxe Edition

The room around you comes into focus, though it appears to be storming outside, light enters the lair stained sheets and illuminates your Code Geass action figures. You wake up after much debate, cold sweat begins dripping down your face. Must've been a bad dream... Do Polar Bears have sweat glans? Why is that the first thing that comes to your mind? You recall having a badass dream involving Time Traveling and Explosions, which is odd because you always dream about House MD the Movie. "I need to stop snorting Tang" You need to stop snorting Tang. ! What time is it? You look over towards your clock, the blinking red numbers covered in urine and semen stains states that it is 10 AM. Mouse-kun and Kitty-san, your favorite Korean animated cartoon ever should be coming on... But then again, today IS Sunday, and you really should be out socializing withOh, who the fuck are you kidding? You flip on the Television. "KITTY-SAN! KITTY-SAN! TOSHIBA SONY NINTENDO DENWA! (WHY DO I HAVE AN ERECTION IF I'M A GIRL?)", Mouse-kun asks with a sad face. "Ugh... Baka, Peepeepoolopgahfanba (I guess it can't be helped)", Kitty-san replies in a casual manner. Kitty-san punches Mouse-kun in the dick. "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU- (AT THIS RATE!)"

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The announcer's voice blares on over the poor animation. "NEXT TIME ON KITTY-SAN Z, MOUSE-KUN BECOMES YANDERE FOR KERMIT THE FROGSAMA AND KITTY-SAN DISCOVERS CHRISTIANITY. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR A MUCH SHITTIER EPISODE-" The Satellite signal is lost, there goes your entire morning of watching children's cartoons. Scooby Doo, Where are You? YOU JUMP OUT THE WINDOW, KITE IN ONE HAND, PENIS IN THE OTHER. SAVING THE DAY. You begin flying the Kite during a Thunderstorm. Reason? Kite's have forever been the mortal enemy of Lightning. Locked in a never ending battle for supremacy, the Kite King 'Kiter McKiterson' discovered Cold Fusion, but then the greedy Lightning Emperor 'Sparknuts the Fifth' stole the secrets and began the One Year War. The War subsided as the Prince and Princess of the opposing sides fell in love and taught everyone not to judge a book by it's cover, and friendship. But that quickly ended when Rain became Tsundere for Lightning. And Strings became Yandere for Kites. ! LIGHTNING STRIKE! 10,000 VOLTS SURGE THROUGHOUT YOUR BODY. "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH" WHY IN GOD'S NAME WERE YOU FLYING A KITE IN A THUNDERSTORM. After urinating yourself, you fall to the ground a die a painful and lonely death in the cold unforgiving rain. Good job, Cockfag. You open the door to the Student Council Room, the theme to James Bond is playing in your mind.

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... Nobody's insideNo wait, Misha's laying down on a table. Wait... Why is the corner of the Table wet? Numerous questions begin popping out of nowhere, but you need to keep to the task at hand... AHA! You see the Pinata full of Dorito's and Skittles below Misha. Why do they store their food in Pinata's? Would a girl put a penis on a Pinata and have sex with it? Why do you think these things? You crawl underneath the table, quietly... It only takes a moment before the delicious teeth rotting food is in your graspSomething's dripping on the Pinata? ...It's giving off a intoxicating smellHold up, it's coming from MishaYou peer up from underneath, and unexpectedly take a peek up Misha's skirt.. She's not wearing any panties, and she's... dripping. You dig around for your Cell Phone, trying not to grab your penis and make it any more bigger than possible. You dial Kenji's number... It begins to ring. "MOSHY MOSHY?" "KENJI? I'M STARING AT A VAGINA"

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"DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO IT, YOU'LL GO BLIND. TRUST ME, I'M A AMATEUR GYNECOLOGIST" "WHAT DO I DO?" "RUN, BEFORE THE BITCH STEALS YOUR PENIS" "HOLY SHIT, SHE CAN STEAL MY PENIS!?" "ALL WOMEN CAN STEAL PENISES, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T STICK IT IN. IF YOU NEED TO CONTACT ME BY CODEC, PRESS THE SELECT BUTTON" "DO I HAVE TO LOOK AT THE BACK OF THE CD CASE-" Misha moves her lower half forward, her pink haired pussy scoots closer towards your face. You whip out your House MD Pez Dispenser and shoot candy at Misha's vagina. "PEW PEW PEW" Each one misses the target... Goddamn, you're a fucking failure. YOU TAKE OUT WHATEVER CANDY'S LEFT AND RUB THEM INTO HER PINK DRILL PUBES. ...But she's still not waking up? You sit there, under the table for a few minutes, taking a good look at Misha's womanhood. Her pussy, eating your penis? Does Kenji honestly believe you're gonna believe that? There's no way that could happen, r-right? A wave a fear overcomes you, but you it subsides for a moment when you giggle at the word 'overcome'. Is this how you wanna lose your virginity? On a knocked out drill chick? ...You unzip your pants, and whip out your beating erection.

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"LET'S GET DANGEROUS!" You position Misha onto the chair nearby and lift her skirt up. After a moment or so of gawking, you move the tip of your manhood against Misha's stillwet pussy. Slowly, you push yourself forward, until finally, your tip penetrates into Misha. "AH!", Misha suddenly wakes up, which scares the crap out of you. "Morning" "H-HIICHAN!?", Misha looks down, with a frightened face. She stares at penis for a minute and looks up at you. "TAKE IT OUT!", she screams. "HAHAHAHAHAHA...", you begin laughing at her request. You put on a dead serious face and stare directly into her soul. "No." YOU PUSH YOUR HIPS FORWARD! MISHA'S PUSSY RETRACTS FROM THE SUDDEN INTRUSION. "HIICHAN-", Misha squeals. Warm... and Moist. It feels great. "THIS IS RAPE HISAO! STOP IT!", Misha cries in pain. ? Blood? "MISHA ARE YOU A VIRGIN?" She looks away. "HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE A VIRGIN" "AND YOU'RE NOT? WAHAHA~", she regains some of her composure.

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Your phone starts ringing... "COLONEL!?" "SNAKE, YOU NEED TO INFILTRATE SHADOW MOSES AND STOP METAL GEAR!" "I'M INFILTRATING SHADOW MOSES, WITH MY METAL GEAR" You sign out. "W-WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO!?", Misha asks as you pump her. "IT WAS A WRONG NUMBER" YOU CONTINUE ROCKING YOUR HIPS BACK AND FORTH, MAKING THE CHAIR CREAK WITH EACH THRUST. "OH GOD HISAO, I'M GOING BLIND" "WHAT? HOW!?" "AHHHHH~" Misha's starts to convulse, she's coming? "DAMMIT MISHA, I'M NOT FINISHED" Misha looks up to you, no life behind her eyes. "HAA... HAA... YOU'RE... SO ZETTA SLOW HIICHAN" Misha falls out of the chair, completely knocked out. That was fast... And disappointing... YOU WILL DESTROY BRITANNIA! "H-Hiichan?", Misha looks to you with tears in her eyes, "YOU WILL OBEY ME!" You shoot your Geass into Misha's eyes. "YES! MY RORDO! WAHAHA~"

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"GET ON TOP OF THE TABLE AND GET ON ALL FOURS" "YES! MY RORDO!" Misha jumps on the Table and gets on all fours. This is your revenge for being exiled from the Royal Family. "EXCEPT ME!", you yell as you penetrate her yet again. "HAA... HAA... YES!... MY LORDO!" You begin banging against Misha's womb. "RRAAAAAAAAHHHH I AM HISAO VI BRITANNIA! AND YOU ARE MISHA VI TITANNIA" You continue to rock your dive in and out of Misha until you lose track of time!? UH OH, SPAGHETTIOS! YOU'RE ABOUT TO CUM... FUCK IT, YOU WILL DO IT INSIDE, FOR YOU ARE ZERO! LEADER OF THE REBELLION! AND YOUR PENIS IS REBELLING AGAINST HER VAGINA. YOU BEGIN TO SHOOT YOUR PIPING HOT SEMEN INSIDE MISHA! "AH!", Misha begins moving around in a panic. "EXCEPT ME!" "Yes... My lordo!" After shooting everything you are inside Misha, you take it out and watch it slowly leak out. "FUCK YEAH, TERRORISM!" You walk away, and destroy Britannia by raping all the women and killing all the men. Your name will go down in the annuls of history for all time, as Hisao, a true Hero. Good End

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YOU TAKE THE CHIPS AND THEN TOGETHER WE BURN BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNN Not quite knowing where that phrase came from, you take the food after taking a good look at Misha's pussy and hightail it out of there. You have enough problems as it is, and besides, the Adventures of Mouse-kun and Kitty-san might be back on! LIGHTNING STRIKES! THE POWER GOES OUTEVERYTHING'S DARK. YOU DON'T LIKE THE DARK. DARKNESS KNOWS HOW TO DANCE BETTER THAN YOU DO AND ALSO STEALS YOUR BIKE ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. YOU NEED YOU WHITE ROBE TO EXPEL THE DARKNESS... Wait, what are you talking about again? !? You feel something hit you over the back on the head.. Everything fades... Your eyes open slowly... The room you're in is filled with lit candles? Oh boy, this isn't good.. !? YOU CAN'T GET UP!? Y-YOU'RE TIED TO A BED!?

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"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAVE THE REFLEXES ON A CAT AND THE SPEED OF A MONGOOSE!", you man up. A Figure appears out of the darkness, and slowly walks towards you. It's... Shizune? "SHIZUNE!? FROM THE COUNCIL RIGHT? THIS IS WEEEEIRD" She shows you a piece of paper. "Hisao, if you scream, I'm going to cut off your penis" She throws the paper away and lays a pair of scissors next to your crotch. "ALRIGHTY THEN" Shizune sits down next to you, and begins staring... "YOUR REQUEST IS NOT UNLIKE YOUR LOWER INTESTINES, STINKY AND LOADED WITH DANGER" Maybe using humor will snap Shizune back to reality and get you freed... She positions herself over your stomach. Apparently, you were wrong. "COLONEL!?" "SNAKE" "HI" "UM... HI?" "LISTEN, I'M BEING HELD CAPTIVE BY A DEAF MUTE" "THAT'S MESSED UP MAN" "WHAT DO I DO?" "TWO CHICKS AT THE SAME TIME"

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"GODDAMN IT COLONEL" You sign off... Shizune rips your clothes off, which sucks because your penis isn't erect yet. And it's cold. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDWhoa, Shizune's getting naked as well. She reaches for a piece a paper and jots something down for you to see. "If you do not satisfy me, I will snip it off" There's also a doodle of a Snowman with half his nose. "THAT SNOWMAN HAD A WIFE AND TWO KIDS YOU BITCH" She responds to your hate by positioning herself over your penis, scissors in hand. "H-Hey" She opens the scissors and holds them around your dick. You can feel the cold steel being pressed against your skin. "AH!" She begins to sit down on your rapidly growing penis and rub her warm womanhood against it. And it feels good man. "IF YOU STRIKE ME DOWN-" Shizune swings herself over to your face and pushes her pussy against your face. The scissors fall to the ground. UGH... IT SMELLS LIKE TUNA AND MEATLOAF. AND IT TASTES... Salty..?

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She sifts her fingers throughout your hair and forces you in deeper. You can't help but taste her vagina, stimulating her in the process. Shizune grabs one her breasts and begins to squeeze as she rubs herself against your face. You're running outta air... UGH! YOU NEED AIR! SHE QUICKENS HER PACE!? "NOT THE FACE!" SHE GRINDS AGAINST YOU ONE MORE TIME BEFORE CUMMING OVER YOUR FACE AND UPPER CHEST. It's clear. And it smells funky. Shizune... KNEELS DOWN AND BEGINS TO LICK YOUR FACE! GODDAMN, SHE'S KINKY. !? SHE'S TOUCHING YOUR DICK WITH HER FOOT! OH YEAH GURL, GIMME THE FOOTSIE. YOU PUSH SHIZUNE DOWN ON YOUR DICK. SHE'S FROZEN IN SURPRISE, USING THAT WINDOW, YOU FORCE YOURSELF INSIDE. "I USED TO RUUUUUULE THE WORLD" You began pumping the would-be rapist, her juices begin making lude noises. "..!", Shizune begins to moan, even though she can't.

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After a couple minutes of hardcore to soft sensual sex, Shizune finally gives out and falls flat on your chest. OOF, SHE'S FUCKING HEAVY. "SAAAAAAAABBBBBBEEEEEERRR!", you use your Command Seal. ... Nothing happens. Oh well. YOU QUICKEN YOUR PACE, JACKHAMMERING SHIZUNE WITH YOUR VERY LIMITED SPACEAH! SHE'S DRIPPING HOT CANDLE WAX ON YOUR NIPPLESRAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH YOU BEGIN TO CUM! SHIZUNE TRIES TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR INCOMING SEMEN, BUT YOU LOCK HER DOWN WITH YOUR LEGS. "YOU'VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD" YOU SHOOT YOUR SPLOOGE INSIDE SHIZUNE SO DEEP, SHE DAMN NEAR BLACKS OUT. "TEEN PREGNANCY" You break the chains and push off the motionless Shizune. "LOOKS LIKE THE CAT'S", you put on Sunglasses from outta nowhere, "GOT YOUR TONGUE" YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH You walk off into the sunset, even though it's still storming outside. But you don't give a fuck. Because Witches don't Exist.

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342

Extreme Sleepover
YOU ARE HISAO NECKTIE, DEFILER OF TISSUE BOXES, DESTROYER OF CUNTS. YOU'VE JUST BEEN TRANSFERRED TO A CRIPPLE SCHOOL FULL OF CRIPPLES CRIPPLING IT UP IN THE CRIB BECAUSE OF A HEART THAT'S RACIST AGAINST LIVING. ...And this is your story!...!...!...! The alarm clock goes off around 6 PM in the evening, time to wake up. Ugh... Eye Sand, sand of the eye, Retina Diarrhea. The bane of everyone's awakening. ...Does Dracula ever get Eye Sand?... Hmm... It's much too earlier to be thinking complex and important things. After a good scratching, the room becomes as clear as a Black Woman's love for Vanilla Ice Cream. After chopping up your heart pills and injecting them directly into your arm, not caring about a potentially lethal dosage or a code of ethics, you heat up a Poptart and dip it in Hawaiian Punch. It's the best of both worlds really, maybe, if only they made Popcorn flavored Poptarts... You open up a Jar of Jelly and Peanut Butter and make yourself a Peanut Butter and Jelly Poptart sandwich... Then you stick your penis in the Peanut Butter jar. "Hehe, I'm fucking nuts", you boast proudly, making a complicated joke without realizing it. It's been quite awhile since you were transferred to this school, and in that time you've made friends, enemies, and learned that all disabled people are dicks. Even the seemingly normal ones are complete assholes on the inside. It's alright with you though, because if there's one thing you've learned from this entire experience... It's that people, big or small, all have the equal right to hate each other to death with words and bullets....

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....You also learned that they installed a window in the girl's shower room for better ventilation. After slipping on some pizza stained clothes and urinating in your sink, you set off on your grand adventure of watching disabled girls shower while you pleasure yourself. The janitor leaves some boxes conveniently placed near the girl's shower room, like a bro. If there's one thing you've come to know, is that all Janitor's are true bros. That profound thought leaves your mind as you hear the shower room being used. OH BOY OH BOY You peek your head through the window just enough... It's Shizune. ...She's showering very frivolously... And she's lip syncing? Haha, oh wow. What do deaf girl's lip sync to? ...Damn, that's a good questionWHOA, SHE'S SHAKING HER ASS WITH WHATEVER IT IS SHE'S SINGING... DROPS OF WATER COME FLYING OFF HER BUTT WITH EACH MOVEMENT, IT'S HYPNOTIZING!? YOU HEAR A SOUND BEHIND YOU! "WHO'S THERE!?" "..." "..." "..." "...Godzilla?" "NOT EVEN CLOSE!"

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A CRAB JUMPS FROM A TREE DRAMATICALLY! "HEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!", the crab proclaims. CRABS, your one true enemy... ? Upon further inspection, the crab's face resembles... "JACK NICHOLSON!?" The crab smiles back to you... "LET'S HAVE AN EXTREME SLEEPOVER!", you yell in a excited tone. "REALLY?", Crab Nichol-san asks in a worried tone. "NO", you proclaim as you reach for your Pokemon. "GO, PIKACHU!" You throw out your Pokeball and in a explosion of jizz and awesome, your Pikachu!? CRAB NICHOL-SAN HAS THE POKEBALL IN HIS CLAW, PREVENTING PIKACHU FROM EVEN COMING OUT! THAT CHEAP MOTHERFUCKERWait, wait, calm down. If you just concentrate on the techniques the boss taught you about CQC, you should be fine. "Counter-Balance the knife... QUICK SLASH!... Retract", you recite as you hold your House MD Scalpel like a Ninja. "Counter-Balance the knife... QUICK SLASH!... and Retract-" !? CRAB NICHOL-SAN HAS THE KNIFE BLADE IN HIS CLAW! "GRAW, GODDAMN IT-"

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THE BLADE CRUSHES BENEATH CRAB NICHOL-SAN'S MIGHT! THE BATTLE IS ON! YOU PUNCH THE GROUND WHERE CRAB-SAMA WAS, NOT NOTICING HE'S ALREADY JUMP ONTO YOUR SHOULDER.. YOU TAKE A STAB AT HIMBUT MISS AND IMPALE YOURSELF IN THE AREA BETWEEN YOUR UPPER ARM AND NECK, THE NAME ESCAPING YOU. AFTER TAKING OUT THE BLADE, YOU TRY ANOTHER SLASH BUT END UP CUTTING YOURSELF YET AGAIN. You look at the symbol on your hand that resembles a baby seal. "SAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAHHHHH" .... Nothing's happening. "FUCK" Crab Nichol-san continues his barrage of attacks, without signs of letting up. There is but one masterful technique that may save you from this encounter... And it looks like it's time you unleash it! "LOOK, A THREE HEADED MONKEY" "Huh?", the Crab looks away... YOU TAKE OFF RUNNING AS FAST AS YOU CAN! HA... HA... YOU NEED SOMEWHERE TO HIDE... OH GOD...

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YOU HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM CRAB NICHOLSON! CRABS MAN... CRABS! GOOD GOD! You explode into your dorm... Obviously you can't hide in your room, because you ripped off your door in a game of indoor cricket. !? "KENJI!" You knock on Kenji's door in hopes of sanctuary. !? YOU HIT THE FUCKING DECK. BULLETS COME FLYING OUT OF THE DOOR. You wait for the gun to go empty.. and CLICK. "Who is it?", Kenji asks in a calm tone. "K-Kenji? I-It's Hisao", you reply. "Oh hey man, come on in" The door opens mysteriously... You walk in carefully. Kenji's sitting on his couch... ...And he's covered in meat? "Should I even ask?" "ASK" "Why are you covered in meat?" "WHY AREN'T YOU?" "Seriously"

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"I'm converting to Muslim! The last frontier of man" "...What does that have to do with the Meat?" "MEAT ARMOR is fucking MANLY dude, go ahead, try and hit me" You reluctantly punch Kenji in the chest, the meat absorbing the blow. "HA! You're beating my meat", Kenji says like a douche. !! There's a knock coming from the door you came in from.. "Why don't YOU answer that one, Kenji?", you ask in a polite tone. "I'm not getting up from this fucking couch", Kenji proclaims as her prays to Santa Claus or whoever it is Muslims pray to. !? You hear muffling words coming from outside... You walk closer to listen in... "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE HISAO" !!! FUCK FUCK FUCK, IT'S THE CRAB. "NO I'M NOT!" "YES YOU ARE" "ALRIGHT, YOU GOT ME, I'M HISAO'S EVIL TWIN BROTHER, PISSAO. SORRY, YOU GOT THE WRONG PERSON" "Who's at the door..?" Kenji asks in a curious tone. "It's... Uh.. Um... A Female Conspirator?" "THAT MOTHERFUCKER", Kenji reaches for his gun. His gun clicks... That's right, he used up all his ammunition earlier when he "greeted" you. "I'M GONNA DRAG YOU AAANND YOUR FRIEND TO HELL WITH ME, HISAO", Crab

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Nicholson says in a creepy tone. "HA! JOKE'S ON YOU. KENJI'S MUSLIM, HE'S NOT GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL, HE'S GOING TO MCDONALD'S", you reply as you motion over towards the back window. "Hey, what smells like fish?", Kenji asks out of the blue. "Huh?" Now that he mentions it, the room is starting to smell fishy... !? THE CEILING!? PIRANHAS ARE CHEWING THREW THE CEILING AND STARTING TO RAIN ALL OVER THE ROOM! "PIRANHAS!? GOOD GOD!" You clutch your fists as hard as you can... AND BEGIN PUNCHING EVERYWHERE AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT. "ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA" YOU BEGIN PUNCHING PIRANHA'S LEFT AND RIGHT! !!!!!! KENJI'S DOOR BURSTS OPEN! A OCTOPUS'S LIMB COMES FLYING INSIDE! "OCTOPUSSY, GOOD GOD" CRAB NICHOL-SAN COMES IN RIDING ON THE CREATURES ARM"MUDA DA!", the Crab proclaims with a burst of glee. "SAY THAT AGAIN IN A LANGUAGE I CAN UNDERSTAND, DEPENDING ON YOUR ANSWER, I MAY HAVE TO KICK YOUR ASS!", you answer back boldly. You begin punching at him wildly, and he returns with even faster strokes of his claws. He deals a blow and shoots you back.

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"IS THIS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!?", the Crab asks in a disappointed tone. "FUCK YOU, CRAB NICHOLSON", you ready yourself to whatever he might attack you with"ZA...", he starts. !? "WARUDO" Time stops. "I've already placed you in checkmate, Hitaro Nakaistar" Crab Nicholson readies dozens of Axes and tosses them towards you. They freeze in time like everything else, the impending doom that awaits you is a painful bludgeoning and butchering. You summon everything that is your being and let out a mighty"OW!" THE TIME FLOW STARTS UP AGAIN AND THE AXES REPEL BACK FROM YOU. ...Music begins playing... AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE IN A WHITE SUIT AND FEDORA. "ARRRRGGGGHHH", Crab Nichol-san throws a axe your way. ...BUT YOU DODGE IT BY LEANING YOUR BODY DOWNWARDS WHILE STILL STANDING UP! You Moonwalk yourself outside while the Crab continues his attacks, and miss. "ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT", Crab Nicholson yells enraged. HE JUMPS UP INTO THE SKY... ...AND TELEPORTS A GIANT FUCKING BULLDOZER OVER YOU! "WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYY", he yells in a psychotic way. THE BULLDOZER IS ABOUT TO CONNECT!

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NEARLY INCHES AWAY FROM YOU! IT WILL NO DOUBT CRUSH YOU WITH LITTLE EFFORT! ....So you reach into your inside pocket... And pull out a gun. YOU BACK STEP AWAY FROM THE BULLDOZER AND SHOOT A MAGICAL BULLET FULL OF STYLE INTO THE HEART OF CRAB NICHOLSON! "HNNNNNNNRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!", he lets out his final words. THE BULLET CARRIES HIM OVER INTO THE TOP PART OF THE SCHOOL AND INCINERATES HIM INTO THE WALL. Nothing but a trail shaped figure of Crab Nicholson remain... You walk towards the remains, look up, and say in a calm tone"You've been struck by... A Smooth Criminal"

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Hisao's Bizarre Adventure

YOU ARE HISAO NECKTIE, CHILD OF THE BROKEN HEART, DESTROYER OF CUNTS. YOU'VE JUST BEEN TRANSFERRED TO A CRIPPLE SCHOOL FULL OF CRIPPLES CRIPPLING IT UP IN THE CRIB BECAUSE OF A HEART THAT'S TIRED OF TAKING YOUR SHIT. ...And this is your story! You wake up... You're in the middle of a Sex ED lecture, and you have no fucking clue what a Labla Minora is, and you don't really care. Where's all the porn? This IS suppose to be a class explaining the finer points of penetration and ejaculation. Why don't they teach you something useful...? "OH GOD, THIS IS FUCKING BORING", you say out loud without realizing. The Teacher throws a rubber dildo at your head. "OUCH, FUCK SHIT", you bring your face down towards the table and revel in pain. "Alright now class, today we've brought a very educational video about different positions and such, observe and take notes, this is worth 90 percent of your grade-", the teacher puts a video into the player and starts a projecting a slow paced porno with a boring monotone voice. ...You decide to help dub over the movie. The woman is jacking off the guy while talking"OH HEY, DID YOU KNOW LUNG CANCER IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN MOST RELATED GANG SHOOTINGS?", you say in a silly voice while you cover your mouth. The guy starts to ejaculate on the woman's face. "SAY IT, DON'T SPRAY IT!", you remark in a poorly concealed girl voice. "Who's doing that?", the teacher looks around.

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"It was Kenji" "BULLSHIT, I CAN'T EVEN SEE WHAT'S GOING ON!", Kenji yells behind you. "...The PERFECT cover!" The man in the video begins to position himself behind the woman. "BE CAREFUL NOW, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME", you dub over the woman's voice. "JACKHAMMERING COMMENCING", you poorly imitate a German man's tone. You begin making series of funny noises as the man enters the woman. "ATATATATATATATATATATATATA! YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD", you imitate Kenshiro as the man continues pushing into the woman's vagina. "AH! MY HYMEN!" ...You hear somebody else joining in on the fun. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN ABOUT PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES!?", you take the role of the guy. "ONLY IF YOU SHOW ME YOUR POKEMONS!", the other person takes the role of the woman. "I'LL SHOW YOU MY POKEMONS, CHECK THIS OUT, SQUIRTLE USES WATER GUN!", you yell as the male actor begins to ejaculate inside the female. "IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!" "I AM VENGEANCE, I AM THE NIGHT, I AM BATMAN!", you do your best Batman impression as the man in the video pulls out. "WHERE'S THE CREAM FILLING!?", the other person sounding more and more like Lilly. "Alright, THAT IS ENOUGH", the Teacher stops the video and takes you by the ear. "OUCH!", you yelp helplessly. The Teacher drags you over and takes Lilly by the ear as well. "AH! Well I never!", Lilly yells in a casual tone. The Teacher throws you and Lilly out into the hallway and closes the door behind you faster than you can blink.

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"...Ha... Hahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA", you begin laughing at the shenanigans you just pulled. "Hahahahaha...", Lilly laughs gently as she covers her mouth. "I'm guessing that was you that said 'AH! MY HYMEN!", you ask Lilly. "Guilty as charged, Batman", she replies with a smile. "I gotta say, I didn't suspect you'd like that type of humor" "That room was just suffocating me, I had to get out some way, guess you can say it was a Moral Imperative", she explains as you begin staring at her tits. "Oh, so you're a Moralfag", you reply mockingly. "Hey Hisao...", Lilly tenses up. "AT YOU WORD, MILADY", you Genuflect. "Uh.. Um...", she becomes even tenser. "Joking with you, what's on your mind?" "Wanna skip class, go to a bar, and pick up some chicks?" "DO I EVER!" "Seriously though, I need to go to the store", she serious'd up. "And you want me to accompany you?", you ask in a rambunctious manner. "I would enjoy your company very much", Lilly says while blushing innocently. "Well..." Shit, you were gonna go spy on naked cripple girls in the girls shower room today... "Alright, Alright, I'll 'accompany' you to the grand ball", you say mockingly. "Shall we go fetch Hanako as well?" "HAHA, No" You interlock your arm with Lilly's and drag her out.

354

...Last thing you need is a crispy Ninja ruining your chances of scoring. You and Lilly make your way out the school and down the main street. "Say Lilly, why were their blind people in Sex ED class?" "Sight challenged individuals still need to know the risks of sexual intercourse, Hisao" "So you were in there because you were interested about sex?" She stops cold in her tracks. "I....Uh...Well...", Lilly stumbles with her words. Daaaaaw, you love it when girls do that. !? You hear a sound... ...YOU DUCK! ...But nothing happens. How do people know when something's about to strike the upper part of their body out of the blue anyway? You hope by just doing it randomly, you'll avoid a potentially deadly situation with an even less likely possibility of happening. ....You over think things way too much. "HISSSSSSAAAAAAOOOOOOO", Hanako jumps from a tree, sweating like a wild man. "HANAKO! FROM THE PARTY RIGHT? THIS IS WWEEEEEIIIRD", you go into your usual sarcastic tone. "Why did you leave without me!?" "I thought you hated social outings and encounters?" "But I like going places with Lilly!" "Oh, I didn't know you were... like THAT", you begin scissoring your fingers. "W-W-WHAT!?", Hanako starts to blush through her sweaty red skin.

355

Quite a sight to beholdOh right, you really shouldn't use the word "Sight" around Lilly. Anyway, this causes a problem, Hanako is indeed a cockblocker, you need to think of a way to dispatch her, quickly and silently. "Hisao, just let her accompany with us, what harm could it cause?", Lilly asks with a worried face. "FINE JEEZ!", you give in. You walk over towards Hanako and move your face as close to hers as possible. "I'M ONTO YOU, MOTHERFUCKA", you say with a scowl. Hanako just gives you a look of terror as you pull away and begin leading them down the road again. You approach the convenient store with gusto. They should know you by now... YOU KICK OPEN THE DOOR AND ROLL INSIDE. "I NEED A COPY OF JUGS AND A SIX PACK OF LUCKY CHARMS! QUICK!", you yell in a serious manner. "Hello to you too, Hisao", the store manager replies while not taking his eyes off his reading material. "There is no Hisao, only Zuul" "...Hisao?", you hear Lilly and Hanako come in behind you. "DID YOU TWO ACTUALLY USE THE DOOR!?" "Um... Yes?" "HA, WHAT NOOBS" The three of you finish your shopping in a manner of minutes. Would've took longer if you also had no vision like the PS3 has no games.

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"U-Um Lilly...?", Hanako asks in a desperate tone while grabbing a hold of her skirt. "Hmm...?" "I-I need to use the restroom...", Hanako tells her while she motions towards the back. .... JUST AS PLANNED. "Say Lilly, why don't we wait outside for Hanako, this place smells like Jewish people" "I AM Jewish", the clerk replies in a casual tone. "Oh I'm sorry, THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE AN OVEN" The clerk punches you straight in the face, making a pleasing noise. "*GASP* HISAO!", Lilly yells in a worried tone. "I'm alright...", you say in your best badass tone, and interlock your arm with Lilly's. "Let's go then" You motion towards the door, and give the clerk a thumbs up while lip syncing *Thank you*. He flips you off, but then it turns into a thumbs up. The pity game, low tier tactic, but efficient for someone like Lilly. "What were you thinking, Hisao?" "BABY, WHEN I'M WITH YOU, I DON'T NEED TO THINK AT ALL" "Excuse me?" "I'm just fucking with you-", you stop. The sun's shining off Lilly's body like a golden sex goddess. "Whoa..." "What?" "You look pretty"

357

"O-Oh...", she looks away. Your baser instincts are starting to kick in, you don't know if you can control yourself much longer. The porn from earlier is still stuck in your mind, and surely the erotic noises and words have stirred up Lilly somewhat. You grab hold of Lilly and take her to a secluded alleyway a block down from you. "H-Hisao? Where are we going?" "To Disneyland" "N-No, I'm serious" "Lilly, do you like me?" "Excuse me?" "Do you like me?" "Of course I do" "Do you want to have sex with me?" "WHAT!?" Lilly begins to struggle out of your arms. ...You french kiss her long... and hard. ......And she begins to calm down? "Ha, so you ARE just as horny as I am" "Hisao, stop" "You can stop the Cole Train, baby" She starts to giggle, slightly. "I don't even know where we are..." "You're in a alleyway, there's some garbage dumpsters to your right, pile of newspapers to

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your left" "So..." "So" "..." "Well then..." You grab a hold of Lilly's breast... and her nipple is ERECT. "LIKE THE COLDEST WINTER CHILL-", you begin singing as you fondle Lilly. "You can.." "I can...?" "...You can suck them if you want" "BADASS", you remark while grinning hard. You rip open Lilly's blouse and push her bra up just enough... ...AND SINK YOUR TEETH INTO HER TITTY. "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM" "HAAA.... DON'T.. DON'T BITE IT!" You motion your body against Lilly's, your erection rubbing against the outside of her panties. She's wearing Pantyhose, apparently. ...You fucking love Pantyhose. After continueing a barrage of deep kisses, you begin to pull her Pantyhose AND Panties down in a single decisive strike! ...But the sudden jolt causes Lilly to fall butt first onto the cement. "Cooooold", she remarks as her naked butt feels the freezing cold black top. This is turning you on even more, strangely.

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"BUSTAH WOLF!", you whip out your power drill and hold it next to Lilly's face. She sniffs you penis for a couple seconds.. ...AND BECOMES INTOXICATED BY IT. Hehe. Awesome. You give yourself a high five and inadvertently smack the side of a trash can nearby, causing the top to fly off. Ah man... The trash smell is surely gonna turn Lilly off with her enhanced sense of small and all! !? THERE'S A FUCKING BOMB INSIDE THE TRASHCAN?! WHO PUTS A BOMB IN A TRASHCAN?! GOOD GOD, THERE'S A BOMB IN THE TRASHCAN! YOU WHIP OUT YOUR HOUSE MD CELL PHONE AND DIAL KENJI. Brrrriiinnngg... Briiiinnnngggg.... Briiiiinnnnngggg.... Brrriiiiiinnnnngg... "Uh... Hello?", Kenji answers the phone. "KENJI! THERE'S A FUCKING BOMB NEXT TO ME IN A GARBAGE CAN" "Oh..." "OH!? THERE'S A FUCKING BOMB IN THE FUCKING TRASHCAN" "Well, is there a timer?" "THE TIMER SAYS IT'LL GO OFF IN 03:00 HOURS" "Well, all you got to do, is divide that by Pi and you'll have your answer" "...WHAT!?"

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"Huh?" "THERE'S A FUCKING BOMB NEXT TO ME, AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO DIVIDE A TIMER BY-" You peer back at the time.. It's suddenly 29:00? ... ..... ........Wait a minute... You turn the trashcan around"KENJI! KENJI MAN, I FUCKED UP, IT'S GOING TO GO OFF IN 29 SECONDS, WHAT DO I FUCKING DO!?" "I dunno... Ask it what it's problem is" "..." "..." "HEY BOMB, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SUCH AN ASSHOLE!?" The bomb continues to count downwards. "THAT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK AT ALL" "Is there a hole in it or on it?" "Umm... There's a hole in the center?" "Dude, jizz inside the bomb and run. The entire town would then be covered by your semen in an explosion. In other words, you'll Bukkake the entire area" "...YOU ARE A FUCKING GENIUS. BUT I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH A BOMB, I GOT A PERFECTLY GOOD BLIND CHICK NEXT TO ME, SHE'S EVEN ON HER KNEES" "...HISAO!" "WHAT?" "IT'S A FEMINIST TRAP!"

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"WHAT!?" "SHE LURED YOU THERE IN HOPES OF BLOWING YOU UP BECAUSE YOU KNOW TOO MUCH!" You hang up the phone. "Did you lure me here in hopes of blowing me up?", you ask Lilly. "Haaaa....", Lilly's still out of it. FUCK FUCK! THE TIMER'S AT 10 SECONDS. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO!? "TIME STOP, ZA WARUDO!" Time has stopped. You grab hold of Lilly and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. Five seconds of running should give you enough space... Oh wait, you can't control timeTHE BOMB GOES OFF BEHIND YOU, AND PUSHES YOU AND LILLY INTO A NEARBY CAR. "URG!", you cover Lilly and absorb the blow like the heroic stud that you areSLAM OH GOD, YOUR RIBCAGE. Lilly snaps out of it. "H-Hisao!? What just happened?" "Uh..." Wait a minute... this could work for you. "THAT WAS AN EXPLOSION, AN EXPLOSION OF OUR PASSION" "H-Huh?"

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"Yeah, we should get the fuck out of here. I'm a wanted man in 7 states", you grab hold of Lilly and run back to the convenient store. "WHERE WERE YOU!?", Hanako asks with a scared look. "Well, I went to go make love to Lilly's anus, but long story short, there was a fucking bomb in a trashcan" "..." "..." "..." "..." ".....Did you ask the bomb what it's problem was?" "You... You have to be fucking kidding me" "Hisao...", Lilly grabs a hold of your chest. "The name's SNAKE, DUH NA NA NAAAA-" Before you could finish that obscure reference, Lilly presses her face against your chest. "Eh? What's all this then?" "I wanna listen... to your heartbeat" "Ah.... Why?" "Because I'm hungry" !? LILLY SINKS HER TEETH INTO YOUR THROAT! "BLARG" "HISAO NECKTIE? MORE LIKE HISAO NECKPIE", Hanako remarks in a evil laugh. "OH GOD, KENJI WAS RIGHT! KENJI WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG-" Lilly's fangs sink in deeper.... She rips out your throat with ease.

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"GARBLE GARBLE GARBLE..." Translation: VAMPIRE SAPPIN... MAH BLOOD! You fall to the ground and bleed out, Lilly begins drinking your neck nectar while Hanako massages Lilly's body with your blood. It's as erotic as it is terrifying... The world darkens. BAD END You wake up in a cold sweat. Holy fucking shit, you have got to stop snorting gravy. You get up and run towards the Tea Room in a panic. "LILLY!?" You start knocking on the door. "Yes?" "ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?" "Um... No?" "WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME NEAR A BOMB IN A GARBAGE CAN?" "...No?" "WELL THEN, WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME, PERIOD?" "Uh... Maybe?" "...IS HANAKO IN THERE?" "I-I'm in here..." "TELL HANAKO... THAT I'M ONTO HER, MOTHERFUCKA" You walk away, while slipping your shades back on.

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Because real men go to sleep, with sunglasses on. REAL END

365

Halloween Special
YOU ARE HISAO NECKTIE, PARADIGM CITY'S TOP NEGOTIATOR, DESTROYER OF CUNTS. YOU'VE JUST BEEN TRANSFERRED TO A SPPPOOOOKY CRIPPLE SCHOOL FULL OF SPOOOOOKY CRIPPLES CRIPPLING IT UP IN THE CRIB BECAUSE YOUR HEART WAS MISPLACED IN ANOTHER CASTLE. And this is your story! "Hisao... Hisao... Hisao... Hisao... His-ay-yo..", you hear the last thing you wanted to hear this morning... Erm.. This afternoon. "Get up Hisao, the floor is now lava", the annoyingly apathetic tone rings inside your eardrums. "THE FUCK DO I CARE? I'M HOT BLOODED, CHECK IT AND SEE, I GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE-" !!! You feel something... GRABBING ONTO YOUR PENIS! You pry your eyes wide open now... Rin's hovering over you, and she has her naked foot on your junk. "Got your nose" "NO! NOT MY PENIS! I NEED THAT FOR LAUNDRY!" "You gonna get up?", Rin asks with a pissed look. "NEVER" Her grip increases. "EEP"

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"Any last words?" "...If you strike down my penis, it shall only become more powerful than you can ever IMAGINE", you say while getting a raging erection. She lifts her foot off, and dusts it off on your pants. You don't care what anyone else says, sweat pants are comfortable as fuck. "Well, now that I have your attention, would you mind helping me out with Halloween?" "OH FUCK, IT'S HALLOWEEN!? I THOUGHT IT WAS PRESIDENT'S DAY" "I don't think they dress up for President's Day" "SO" "...And we don't have PD In Japan" "FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR VILE LOGIC WOMAN" You sprint up. "What do you need done?", you ask with a sigh. "Nothing much, just need somebody to answer the door in case Trick-or-Treater's come" "Children walk to a Cripple School for candy?" "Sometimes" "Interesting" "So what do you say?" You throw off all your clothes and slip on some Speedo's, then you put on a Viking Helmet and exit your room. "RIN, I'M HERE TO RECLAIM MY GLORY", you announce yourself as you walk into the Main Building. "Glad you could make-", Rin stops and looks at you for a good minute. "...-It Hisao, the candy's by the corner, inside the chair. Don't give them too much, we didn't have very much money so we could only by about a bucket full"

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"SOUNDS LIKE MORE THAN ENOUGH, but why couldn't you or somebody much more responsible than me do this boring job?" "Simple, we're gonna be having an orgy on the third floor, and it'll simply exhaust to the extent of menial tasks becoming impossible to execute" "...AN ORGY!?" "Fake one, we're shooting a horror film" "...AN ORRRRGGGGYYYY~?" "I'm leaving now" Rin walks away. Now you're lonely... you better post on 4chan*DING DONG* Holy shit, they have a door bell? You answer the door reluctantly... ...A couple of small children.... "...." "...." "...." You stand menacingly naked with your Viking helmet and summon words of courage that have brought you comfort in times of old. "I AM ALEXANDER THE GREAT" ...The kids start to run in terror... ...So you chase them. "ARE YOU ALEXANDER? NO YOU ARE NOT, YOU ARE NOT ALEXANDER THE GREAT!" You chase little children down a street in your underwear while your Viking helmet jiggles from side to side.... Like every Tuesday morning. The chase gives you a good workout as you walk back inside the school and give yourself a good laugh-

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*DING DONG* ...More kids. "T-Trick or Treat?", the kids say while shivering. "...I choose Trick", you reply. "...", they look dumbfounded. You close the door on them.

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No Country for old Bros

YOU ARE HISAO NECKTIE, EATER OF LONG JOHN SILVERS, DESTROYER OF CUNTSWhat the fuck, you all know this shit already.

It's Wednesday, and instead of having your morning Pop Tart, Hot Dog, Dorito Salad, you're attending a morning lecture due to your poor attendance record. Gay. "Photosynthesis is the process of which-", the Teacher stops in the middle of his sentence. You raise your hand. "Yes, Hisao?" "Sixty-Nine" "Excuse me?" "The answer is 69" "I don't recall asking a question" "Can I go now?", you ask with disinterest. "No" "Well, with all due respect sir, suck my dick" The Teacher throws his piece of Chalk towards you, but you manage to dodge that shit like the Matrix... ...But it hits the student behind you in the face. "Ah!", Misha screams as she falls out of her chair. "Nice going Teacher, you killed the Drill Bitch" "Ms. Mikado? Are you alright?", the Teacher asks in a semi-apathetic tone. "I-I... I think so", Misha exclaims as she dusts off her face and slowly gets up. "Hey Misha", you turn around towards her with your bloodshot eyes.

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"The floor is now lava" "W-W-W-WHAT!?", Misha yells in a panic. She begins to panic humorously, making your day brighten up in a matter of seconds. "I think you're on fire, better stop, drop, and roll", you tell her in a sarcastic tone, knowing she won't be able to tell the difference. The room goes into a panic as Misha rolls into desks left and right, resulting in complete and total catastrophe. "Today is gonna be a good day", you rest your feet on a nearby chair and kick back!!! The world goes black... You wake up on the floor outside the Class Room... Ah.. The Teacher must've kicked you out. That would explain why you are where you are, but not the bite marks you seem to have acquired on your arm... Ah. You notice Misha giving you a mean look, looks like she was kicked out with you. "HAHA, sucks to be you" "YOU ARE A VERY BAD PERSON, HICHAN" "I don't recall ever saying I wasn't" You hold up your arm, littered with bite marks. "Childish. You could've been using your mouth for more important things" "Shut up" "I ever tell you I wanted to do you up the butt", you shift your gaze. "Da butt?", Misha asks perplexed. "Da butt"

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"Hiichan, you can be so weird sometimes" "I was being serious" "Not a chance, Wahaha~" "Says you", you take a step towards her. "Says my bottle of MACE!" Misha pulls out a bottle of Mace from her panties. "Nice try, but I built up an immunity years ago" "How about this?" Misha reaches into her panties and pulls out a Night stick. "OK, how in the fuck did you keep that concealed?" She swings it around like a Kung Fu master. "If you strike my penis down, it shall only become more powerful than you can ever imagine" She swipes at you. "By this day's end, I will have your butthole virginity, woman!", you yell as you retreat. She will get hers later... You head over to Kenji's room to regroup*Knock* *Knock* "Who's there?", you hear Kenji's muffled voice. YOU KICK THE DOOR OPEN. "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME" "Goddamn it Hisao, that's the third fucking door this week" "My bad, Door-sama", you apologize to the door.

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"S'right Amigo", the door replies back to you. "What do you want, Hisao?" "This is a robbery, but I forgot my gun" "Girl problems?" "99 problems" "But a bitch ain't one" You and Kenji pound each other's fist as you sit down and crack open a cold one that's sitting next to Kenji. "Say Kenji, isn't there suppose to be some sort of Parade going on today?" "I don't know, I've been head deep in Feminism" "When aren't you head deep in Feminism?" "The same time you aren't summoning giant fists out of the ground and fighting Dinosaurs" "That only happened like, 5 times" "Wanna hear my master plan" "No" "Oh" "Just fucking with you, shoot away" "Check this shit out, I shaved off a bunch of lice from some kid's hair, and put it in a bottle. My plan is to, wait for it, give the female dorm Crabs" "Well, that would surely show those Feminists what-for, I guess" "They'll never know what hit them" "Where's.... Where's the bottle you have the Lice in?", you look around curiously. "It's on the table-" "...", you slowly look inside the bottle.

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It's full of Lice infested hair floating in the liquid. "Oh, Shit son", Kenji looks at you shocked. "BLAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH", you throw up on Kenji's table. "I JUST FUCKING DRANK LICE" "THAT'S FUCKING HARDCORE" "YOU BASTARD, YOU JUST GAVE ME CRABS" You begin choking the shit out of Kenji. After a few moments of calming down, you raid Kenji's fridge and find a container full of Kool-Aid. ...You sit back down on Kenji's couch and flip on the TV while periodically taking sips of Fruit Punch. "T-That's MY Kool-Aid" "You're right, this isn't filled with Crabs either, is it?" "Whatever, is anything on" "Seinfield" "Next" "American Werewolf in London" "No" "Comedy Central Presents" "HAHA, No" "Batman" "YES" "WINNER!" You and Kenji spend a few minutes watching Mark Hamill laugh maniacally and Batman

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defy the laws of physics until... NEWSFLASH "WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT" "Fuck you, Newsflash", you exclaim "You're talking to the TV" "The TV needs to go back into the kitchen and make me a fucking sandwich" "A GIANT DEMONIC CHICKEN HAS LANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF JAPAN", the Reporter frantically explains. "BAAAWWWKAAACK", the Chicken bawks in the background with a scary voice. "Fucking Chickens, why can't they speak perfect English like all us Native Japanese people" "YEAH!" "Coming into OUR country, STEALING our JOBS" "DEY TOOKER JERBS" "DERKA DUUUUR" "OH GOD, IT'S GROWING BIGGER!", the Reporter yells. "That's what she said" "IT'S THRUSTING ITSELF THROUGHOUT THE FOUNDATION, CAUSING DESTRUCTION OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS!" "Again, what she said" "IT'S ERUPTING SOME SORT OF STICKY LIQUID AS IT GETS CLOSER" "There's nothing sexual about that, nothing sexual at all" "Why is that reporter so freaked out? Japan gets invaded by demons like, every day" "Menopause" "OH GOD, IT'S GETTING CLOSER-", the transmission ends with varying amounts of screams coming from the background.

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"You gonna go take care of that, Hisao?" "I have prior engagements" "Such as?" "I have to do Misha, up the butt" "BUT SHE'LL SUCK YOUR SOUL OUT" "SHE'LL SUCK MY SOUL OUT WITH HER ASSHOLE?" "Absolutely" "It's time I show the world I'm not afraid. By putting my penis inside Misha's ass" "Totally not cool, bro" KENJI DISAPPROVES (-10) You're on a quest, a quest of dominance, a quest of integrity, a quest of lust. You're basically on the quest for the Holy Grail. The courtyard is empty, as expected from that Parade earlier. Let's just hope Misha hasn't exited the School Grounds and joined in on the funWho the fuck are you kidding, Misha's half retarded, of course she'd be in the Parade, throwing candy at Midgets because she mistook them for children. ! You see Shizune coming out. "SHIZUNE-", you begin yelling but stop. Oh wait, that's right. She's the Deaf bitch. You run up in front of her and wave your hands. "...", she signs something to you. "WHERE IS MISHA", you say slowly. She points towards the town, that's being destroyed by the Chicken.

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"GOD... DAMMIT!" You run towards the city. "MIIIISSSSSHHHHHAAAAAA, I'M COMING TO FUCK YOU!", you yell at the panicking town. The main street is ground zero, there are bodies laying all over the place"FUCK THIS", you run back to your room and slip on your Doctor Doom outfit and return. You're Victor Von Doom, you now can't be killed. Wow, you just now notice WHAT that parade was about. Today was Veteran's day, there are army corpses all over the placeAND A TANK. "I AM TOTALLY DRIVING THAT FUCKING TANK DRESSED AS DOCTOR DOOM", you yell as you open the latch. Wait... You don't know how to drive a Tank... Whelp, now's a good a time as any to learn. You grab onto the steering wheel and mistakenly hold down the "fire" trigger. BMMMMFFFF A 7/11 blows up near a hospital. "WAIT.. FUCK... NO I GOT IT" You begin driving the Tank aroundYOU SPOT MISHA COWERING IN FEAR NEXT TO A CAR. "MISHA!", you yell as you open the latch. "IRON MAN!?" "I SHOULD OF JUST RAN YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER THEN FUCKED IT" "HISAO!"

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"GET IN THE TANK" "Um..." "DON'T WORRY, I'LL INSTALL HYDRAULICS AND SHIT AND MAKE THIS TANK FLY AS FUCK, NOW GET IN" After much debate, Misha hops into the Tank with you. "W-Where are we going?" "I'm kind of hungry, so we're gonna stop by Mcdonalds" "What?" "You want like... A Kids Meal or something?" "HIICHAN, WHAT ABOUT THE GIANT DEMON CHICKEN THAT'S KILLING THE ENTIRE CITY" "Doom waits for no one" You run over a car in line to the Mcdonalds drive-through. "YEAH, UH... I'LL HAVE TWO PLAIN MCCHICKEN SANDWICHES, AND A SMALL FRY" "HISAO!" "AND A 4 PIECE KIDS MEAL FOR THE BITCH I'M ABOUT TO SODOMIZE" "...", there's not response on the other end of the Mcdonalds inside. "DOOM DEMANDS HIS FUCKING MCCHICKEN SANDWICHES" "Hiichan, calm down" "Strip" "W-What?" "TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH' "W-WHY!?" "THE CHICKEN IS ATTRACTED TO CLOTHED WOMEN"

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"OH GOD, REALLY!?" Misha begins to take off her clothes slowly... "BAAAAWWWKKKKAAAACCCCKKK", you hear a ominous sound in front of you. "LOOKS LIKE DOOM WILL HAVE HIS MCCHICKEN SANDWICH AFTERALL", you shift the Tank into gear. YOU SPEED ON THE HIGHWAY, UNTIL YOU'RE AT THE VERY TOP, CRUSHING ANY CARS THAT GET IN YOUR WAY IN A VERY MANLY MANNER. !? The Giant Scary Chicken Demon is now... Below you. "FUCKDAMN COCKWAFFLES, I CAN'T AIM THE GODDAMN CANNON DOWN IN A TANK" "C-Can I put my clothes back on, Hiichan?" "MY NAME IS DOOM" You shift the Tank back into gear. "AND THE ANSWER IS NO" YOU SPEED TOWARDS THE END OF THE HIGHWAY AND OFF THE EDGE, THROWING THE TANK DIRECTLY INTO THE FACE OF THE CHICKENSAURUS. "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO, MOTHERFUCKER" The Tank impales the Chicken into the ground, blowing his brains around the surrounding area in a messy show of gore. "THIS IS THE RESULT OF ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE DOOM!", you scream as you emerge from the Tank. "H-Hiichan...", Misha manages to free herself from the wreckage. "MISHA", you grab hold of Misha and hold her next to you as you bend her over. You take a bit of the Chicken's flesh and begin to chow down, as you whip out your penis and begin prodding Misha's asshole. "TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY"

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Good End.

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Mario Kart: Double Hash

YOU ARE HISAO NECKTIE, CHILD OF THE BROKEN HEART, DESTROYER OF CUNTS. THROWN THREW A PORTAL OF TIME WHERE EVIL IS LAW, NOW YOU SEEK TO RETURN TO THE PAST AND UNDO THE FUTURE THAT IS AKU*KNOCK KNOCK* You awaken to the sound of your door being beat like meat. "Who the fuck is it..?", you ask in a half-awake tone. "HISAO, IT'S KENJI, GET THE HELL UP, I JUST GOT THE GREATEST IDEA EVER", Kenji replies through the muffled background. You peer over at your night clock. "IT'S TEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING, NO SANE INDIVIDUAL WAKES UP THIS EARLY", you yell in a aggravated tone. Kenji continues knocking on the door despite your best efforts to ignore him. "GO AWAY KENJI, I NEED MY FUCKING BEATY SLEEP" "NIGGA, YOU AIN'T NO SLEEPING BEAUTY, OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR" Argh.... You get up reluctantly and walk through your mountains of dirty clothes to get to your door. "WHAT, WHAT IS SO GODDAMN IMPORTANT KENJI?", you scream as you open the door with rage. "ALRIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT. WE GO TO THE NEW GO-KART TRACK IN TOWN, JACK SOME GO-KARTS, JACK SOME TURTLES AND BANANAS FROM THE PET STORE, AND PLAY REAL LIFE MARIO KART" "..." "..." "...Yes. YES. DO IT. DO IT!", you encourage Kenji like a dumbass. 30 minutes later...

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YOU RAMP OVER SOMEBODY'S CAR AND DRAGON KICK A MCDONALD'S SIGN FROM INSIDE YOUR GO-KART. "Fuck you, Ronald Mcdonald. You tub of lard looking mothafucka", you exclaim with a whisper full of rage. "Hey Hisao!", you hear Kenji's voice from behind you. "You get the turtles from the Pet Store?", you ask knowing you're not going to like the answer. "Well..." "Well...?" "All they had were Male Tortoises" "So?" "My plan was to only use female turtles, ya'know, because of the whole female-" "FEMALE CONSPIRACY" "Am I really that predictable?" "WHY DO I EVEN HANG OUT WITH YOU, KENJI?" "Hisao" "WHAT?" "There's something else" "Yes...?" "I FORGOT THAT I'M BLIIIIIIIND", Kenji yells as he steers from left to right frantically. "HOW DO YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE BLIND!?", you yell as Kenji's Go-Kart speeds by you. "JESUS CHRIST KENJI, JUST USE THE BRAKES" "NIGGA, I TOOK OUT THE BRAKES" "WHA- WHY?!" "BRAKES ARE FOR WOMEN, REAL MEN CRASH"

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Kenji steers into some mailboxes, running them down with amazing momentum. "OH HEY, DIRECT TV'S OFFERING SHOWTIME FREE FOR THE WEEKEND", Kenji yells as he reads one the letters that fall into his lap. "WHY AREN'T YOU SLOWING DOWN!?", you ask while riding along side Kenji's runaway Go-Kart. "I SUPER GLUED THE PEDDLE" "GODDAMN IT, KENJI" "I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A FUNNY JOKE TO PLAY ON YOU" "HOW IS SUPER GLUING YOUR OWN PEDDLE SUPPOSE TO BE A FUNNY JOKE ON ME?" "IT MADE MORE SENSE IN THEORY" "JUST.. JUST JUMP OUT. TUG AND ROLL" "NO, I HAVE A BETTER IDEA" "STOP, NO MORE OF YOUR IDEAS" "I AM GOING TO JUMP ON YOUR GO-KART, HISAO, LIKE THE GODDAMN MATRIX" "YOU AIN'T FUCKING NEO YOU DIP SHIT, DON'T EVEN TRY IT-" You speak too late, before you knew what happened, Kenji rammed his Go-Kart against yours and jumps unto your hood with an amazing display of speed. "Piece of cake" "Yeah, cool stunt bro. NOW GET THE FUCK OFF MY LINE OF VIEW", you begin steering off. "Damn man, you didn't just wake up on the other side of the bed, the other side of the bed done BUTT RAPED you" "THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE- Wait, what the fuck am I doing?", you ask yourself as you forget that your brakes are perfectly fine. After coming to a complete stop, you and Kenji watch as his Go-Kart speeds it's way towards the local Gas-Mart. Amazingly it misses the Gas pumps and crashes through the double doors-

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BUT THE GAS-STATION STILL BURSTS INTO AN HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION. "I might be blind as a bat, but even I heard that", Kenji whispers as he stands on his feet. "We should... We should go...", you calmly assess the situation and drag Kenji back to the School Campus. You rest back in Kenji's room and flip on the news. "THIS JUST IN, A SUPPOSED TERRORIST ATTACK ON OUR LITTLE TOWN RESULTING IN A GAS STATION EXPLODING, HERE WITH MORE, IS OUR REPORTER ON THE SCENE, MR. BOOZE NIGGER.", the correspondent barks from the TV. "MY NAME'S STEVE, YOU RACIST ASSHOLES", the reporter addresses the staff. "Right, Jamal, tell more on this 'Terrorist Attack'", the correspondent replies casually. "There were two supposed culprits, who stole two Go-Karts that were donated for the Kids with Cancer association, crashed into this Gas-mart behind me, there were no survivors", Black Steve reports with a serious face. "How many dead, Steve?" "Oh, no one died" "But you just said there were no survivors" "Right, because there were no victims" "...Nevermind" "Police sketch artists have released a sketch of the supposed Terrorists, seen here. If you see these men, do not attempt to apprehend them, just call 911 and report-" The Sketches they release are on the screen... It's a sketch of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. You laugh for a good five minutes. You walk over toward Kenji's window, open it, have a draft come in. "AHHHHH....", you make an embarrassing face as you Jizz in your pants. "H-Hisao?", you hear a voice below you.

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You look down and see Emi walk cheerfully on the sidewalk. "EMI WEMI GEMI LEMI BEMI TEMI! WHAT'S UP YOU SON OF A BITCH?", you yell as you jump out of the window. You land feet first while making a Kamen Rider pose catching Emi by surprise and making her fall backwards. She begins to get up slowly... "DAMN EMI, I'M HERE FIVE SECONDS AND YOU'RE ALREADY ON YOUR KNEES", you smirk. Emi punches you in the shoulder hard and puts on a cool face. "Hisao, have you been exercising lately?" "ME? OF COURSE NOT, I SIT AT HOME ALL DAY AND MASTURBATE TO THE CAMERA FEED I INSTALLED INSIDE THE GIRL'S SHOWER ROOM" "Excuse me!?", Emi asks as her face turns red with anxiety. "Just fucking with you" She punches you again, but this time in the dick. But your dick can take it, because he's not the hero you deserve, but the penis you need. That didn't come out right. "You sure you haven't been... WORKING OUT?", Emi asks as she smiles. "Are you coming onto me or something?" "No, it's just that I just watched the news" "So? Alot of people watch the news. Are you saying you're better than them?" "I know where you and Kenji went today" "U-Uh... How?" "Helloooooo, Morning run around the track? Do you even remember?" "So you saw us walking out of the school because you were out exercising...", you begin pondering.

385

"You know, I've always wondered why you wanted to run around and exercise so much. And I think I might know that answer" "Huh?", Emi puzzles up as she tilts her head to the side. "You're HORNY", you yell in a cheesy 80's porn voice. You feel a slight burning sensation coming from your face. It appears as though Emi has just slapped you. She's obviously playing hard to get... maybe. "Right, so what do I do so you keep your mouth shut about the Go-Kart shit?", you ask Emi as she smirks at your question. "You have to follow me day in and day out, exercising for hours on end. I'm gonna work you so hard you'll throw up, then run some more, then throw up again!" "I know you're being serious but I can't help but think dirty things when you put it like that" "Do you find EVERYTHING sexual in some way?" "EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING A PENIS" You tense up, but then a idea comes springing into your mind. "Come to think of it, I got a better idea" "Oh?" "I challenge you" "OH YEAH!?", Emi looks at you half cocked. Hehe... "Cocked" "Yeah. To a swimming race" "S-S-Swimming?", Emi locks up with fear. "That is... of course... unless you're CHICKEN" "Y-Y-YOU'RE ON!", Emi yells as she storms off. You yourself don't actually know how to swim all that well, but somehow you know you'll

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do just fiiiiine. Ten minutes go by, and you're at the School's Cool Pool in your Swimming Trunks. "I wonder if someone could ejaculate so hard he could propel himself underwater...", you think out loud. "HISAO NAKAI!", you hear Emi's strong tone behind you. "Name's NECKTIE, you WookerHooker-", you shut up. You stop in your tracks, Emi's in a One piece, and for some reason, you can't take your eyes... off her? "Uh..." "READY TO LOOOOSE, LOSER?", Emi yells in confidence. This bitch be trying to step up all in your grill. What should you do? "OH NO, THE FLOOR OF A POOL AREA IS SLIPPERY, THIS SCARES AND CONFUSES ME, I SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY BALAAAAANNNNCCCEEE-", you yell as you pretend to slip into Emi. "HISAO!?" You grab onto her Swimming suit with ease!? FUCK, YOU ACTUALLY ARE SLIPPING NOW"OOF", you OOF as you hit the ground... "EEEK!" ...And it seems you drug Emi down with you. Your brain goes blank for a brief second and you feel a strong pressure on top of your manly chest. It takes a couple seconds for your mind to readjust to everything that just happened!

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EMI'S ON TOP OF YOU, AND HER ONE-PIECE IS TORN OFF THE FRONT. "Uh Oh" "Hisao...? Why does your chest feel so... real?", Emi begins to look down. "UH OH" !?!? "AAAAAAAYYYYYEEEEEHHHHH" "N-Now just calm down now, Semi Emi" "CALM DOWN, L-L-LOOK AT ME!" "Well, if you insist" "N-N-NOT LIKE THAT YOU RETARD!" "Don't worry, we can just go get some Duct Tape, there's nothing Duct Tape can't fix" "YOU IDIOT, I CAN'T MOVE OR PEOPLE WILL SEE ME!" "What? There's nobody here", you say as you calmly look around"Hisao. Emi.", you see Rin standing by the door.... In a bathing suit? But Emi was with you the entire time... How did she dress"Rin, how long have you been standing there?", you ask calmly. "Is that a rhetorical question?" "Nevermind, why don't you go get some Duct Tape for us?" "Can't" "Why not?" "Came here to swim" "YOU CAN STILL SWIM, AFTER YOU GET US SOME FUCKING DUCT TAPE-", you stop when you notice something strange. "Rin, have you been inside the pool yet?", you ask.

388

"No" "Why is your top wet?" "Oh, I'm lactating" "..." You look slowly back at Emi, who's still shivering on top of you embarrassed. "Hey, it's cool. We'll just go out the back-" You spot a group of crippled children being led in by a teacher through the back. "Alright guys, it's time for your historical lesson. I want each and all of you to reenact Pearl Harbor by yelling 'KAMIKAZE!' and diving into the pool", the Teacher Teaches. "Hisao, if I make it out of here with my dignity, I'm gonna fucking murder you, old style", Emi looks at you with eyes full of hate. "OH, Hisao!", the Teacher walks over towards you and Emi who's hiding her problem by hugging you tightly. "Now look here class, this man is a true historian! Researching history as well as making it! Hisao, why don't you take a bow in front of the children and give a lecture?", the Teacher asks sincerely. The bulge in your shorts is reaching it's limit with Emi rubbing her chest against you. It can't be helped. "Uh... maybe another time, Teach" "Come now, these children need to see a stern young man at his prime!" "Uh...", you think of cracking a joke, but realize that might be a very stupid thing to do. "PSSSST, HEY RIN, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE THE CLASS A SPECIAL PRESENTATION", you yell at Rin who's standing there like a zombie. "What am I suppose to present?", she asks in a neutral tone. "TITS ON A PLATTER" "Gonna need to be more specific"

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"YOUR LEAKY JUGS, YOUR SAPPY SEEDS, YOUR BIG WET TITS" "I don't feel as though I trust your judgment in this" "DO IT OR I'LL TELL THEM ALL HOW YOU JACKED THE PRINCIPLE'S CAR AND CRASHED IT INTO THE GIRL'S SHOWER ROOM" "But you did that" "YOU HELPED" "Answer's no" You grab hold of Emi and kick the floor, as you slide back towards Rin ON your fucking back. Fuck, the Pool's floor is slick. You stop directly behind Rin and in a blink of an eye you loosen her Swimming Top off with your big toe. "Eh?", Rin stares blankly as her top begins to slowly fall off. !! The class goes soundless, as does the teacher, as they stare at Rin's tits. Rin's big, milky, titties. "Uh... So when a female has alot of hormones building up inside her-", Rin begins to explain to the class in a monotone voice. "Emi, we should go while their distracted", you look at Emi, who's still clinging to your chest in a cute manner. "We can't just leave her like this!", Emi whispers to you. "The hell we can't" "You'd leave a friend completely vulnerable and embarrassed because of your idiocy!?", Emi clenches you harder. "Either I help her or I help you. Doing both is impossible at this present time. So if you don't mind the class seeing your naked front in hopes of rescuing what little dignity Rin has or had, go right ahead" Emi pulls herself away from you, kneeing you in the crotch during the process. "OOOF"

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Emi bravely walks over towards Rin with a towel, and covers her up while the class readjusts to seeing Emi's indecency. They stand there, shaking, half naked in front of a couple dozen unfamiliar faces, shivering. ...You get up. You walk in front of them. "PLEASE, EVERYONE, PARDON THEIR TITS!", you yell. You walk over towards the teacher, who's still in awe. "Sorry Teach, this entire thing is my fault. Don't blame Emi and Rin for their indecency, their not at fault here" "Hisao... I shouldn't be surprised but I am. But I'm not disappointed in you... In fact-", he turns to the class. "WE HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU", the entire class starts clapping. "Eh?" "WE JUST CAME HERE TO LEARN ABOUT PEARL HARBOR, BUT WE GOT TO SEE TWO HOT BABES NUUUUDE, YOU'RE THE GREATEST HISAO!", one of the students yells out. "BEST. LECTURE. EVER.", another one blurts out. "YOU DA MAN, HISAO", a student without fingers gives you the Ocelot pose. "THIS WAS THE BEST LECTURE I'VE EVER GIVEN. I'VE EXPECTED NOTHING MORE FROM MY STAR PUPIL!", the Teacher walks over towards you in tears and pats you on the head. "W-W-WAIT A MINUTE NOW-", Emi looks around, perplexed. "I'VE LEARNED FROM THE BEST, TEACH.", you brofist the teacher and the class begins to cheer. In anger, Emi gets up and raises her voice as high as she possibly could. "HISAO BLEW UP THAT GAS-STATION", Emi yells out. ...THAT BITCH! The class goes silent for a couple seconds...

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...THEN CHEERS EVEN HARDER! "YOU'RE FUCKING HARDCORE, HISAO!", another student yells out. "Yeah, I know I am, a little bit", you rub your nose in pride. "Hisao! That's great! You've made history.", the Teach high fives you. Rin and Emi just stand their dumbfounded as the class cheers for you, you awesome bastard you. "Let's go, Rin. This place has just gotten a whole lot more STUPID", Emi storms out in anger. You listen in the distance, hearing Misha's voice. "Hey Emi! Nice cans, WAHAHA-" You hear something that sounds like a car crash outside, assuming what you just heard, is probably Misha getting beaten by Emi. Which always brings a smile to your face. You strike a pose in front of the class. "REMEMBER KIDS, ALWAYS BE A FRIEND OF JUSTICE!" "JUSTICE! JUSTICE!", they chant. You walk out the front door and into the setting sun.... In your swimming trunks. But that's alright, because today is the day you became too cool for pool.

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Jesusmas Special
YOU ARE HISAO NECKTIE, A MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW. YOU'VE SEEN TROUBLE ALL YOUR DAYS. YOU BID FAIRWELL TO OL' KENTUCKY THE PLACE WHERE YOU WERE BORN AND RAISED.

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the house... Not a creature was sturring.... Except the movie "How to please a Woman", Narrated by Bill Cosby. "NOW YA SEE, YA TAKE THE PENIS AND ZOOPAHDEE THE VAGINA UNTIL YA FEEEEEL IT ENTER THE BADOKOMSMIZER", Bill Cosby narrates over the porno vigorously. You received this film from your Dad for Christmas, because he was too busy boning your mom to come, he sent you this video. What a true bro. "AND THEN YA GOTTA EJAC-U-LER-ATE ONTO HER FACE LIKE SO", the documentary continues. "Well, this is one hell of a fucking Christmas Eve", you point out. You should be out there, with some bitch, curled up together next to a fire place, playing Twister, opening presents, impregnating her under the Christmas Tree. "GOD I AM SO FUCKING LONELY" GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING LONELY. You stand up. "THAT'S IT, IT'S TIME ABOUT TIME I DO SOMETHING-" "AND NOW WE MOVE ONTO HOW TO FIND THAT THEM THERE CLITORIS", Cosby continues. "...After this" Many moments pass by as you learn how to please a woman, Bill Cosby style. "I'M READY", you Genuflect.

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You slip on a Santa Claus hat and make your way through the piles of junk that's piled in your room. ? You notice there's a note next to your door, must've been slipped under. *Sniff* The note smells like a woman, a pretty woman. But upon further observation... you discover that it's written in Braille. ... .... ....... YOU CAN'T FUCKING READ BRAILLE. GODDAMN IT. Who would send you a letter written in BrailleOH! Lilly! Of course. Your brain must not be working too well... Must've been all those Candy Canes you chopped up and snorted. Your nostrils feel... minty. "Well, I got my destination...", you conclude. But with it being Jesusmas and all, the School for Crippled people you're going to is... kinda busy. Which way should you go? IN A WORLD... WHERE TAKING A DUMP IS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION.

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ONE MAN. ONE ROOF. HISAO NECKTIE IS... HOLIDAY BATMAN. You walk out of your room dressed as Batman, but colored it bright red and green colors. ...You look like a flaming faggot... "I AM THE HERO GOTHAM DESERVES", you yell at passing students. You make your way towards the back of the hallway, only to be met with your first obstacle. ...A window... "WE MEET AGAIN... WINDOW-SAN" "NO ES BUENO, SENOR NECKTIE", the window replies back to you in Australian. "WHEN WE LAST MET, I WAS BUT A PADAWAN. NOW I.. AM THE MASTER", you ready yourself. YOU WHIP OUT YOUR TRUSTY BATMAN BELT, AND TAKE OUT A RANDOM GADGET... ... .... ...... YOU GOT: COCK ROCKET YOU ATTACHED THE COCK ROCKET TO YOUR WAIST. The Cock Missile, a device you've been making for quite some time, is colored like a Christmas Tree. You figure, hey, you're beating crooks to death, you might as well spread the Holiday cheer... and THE PAIN. "COCK ROCKET IN 3... 2...", you mount yourself at the other end of the hallway. "Hiichan?", you hear a familiar voice behind you.

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"MY NAME ISN'T HICHAN, IT'S TOBY", you turn around to meet the incoming Misha. "Wahaha~ What are you doing?", Misha asks you while laughing. "WHAT I DO EVERY NIGHT, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" "THE PINKY AND THE HIICHAN!", Misha breaks out laughing again. ...Her laughter is taking you out of the Christmas killing mood... "Hey Misha, mind checking out what's wrong with that window at the end of the Hallway?", you ask modestly. "Eh?" You point. "OH! OK!", she starts walking into your firing range. "COCK.....", you yell really loudly. "What'd you say, Hiichan?", Misha turns around slowly. ...She hasn't even noticed the miniature rocket launcher you have tied around your waist. "....ROCKET!", you yell as you click the FIRE button. The Cock Missile meets Misha halfway and pushes her towards the window. Within a matter of seconds, Misha is flying out the window on a flying penis. "HHHIIIIIICCCHHHHHAAAAAAAANNNNN", she yells in her annoying voice. "BULLSEYE" ... Oh hey, you could've of just taken the stairs.. Oh well, no matter. YOU POUNCE ON TOP OF THE ROOFTOP AS IT SNOWS DRAMATICALLY. ....But it's hard to be stealthy, with Christmas lights illuminating the surrounding area. .............

396

.....Goddamn it. You walk into the School hall-way casually... ...Well as casually as you could, looking like Santa Claus if he were a GIMP. ...Here comes Rin. "RIN, HIGH FIVE!", you gesture towards her as she walks by. "Evening, Hisao", she walks by, obviously busy. "Hey...", you call out to her. "Is that a statement or a greeting?", Rin replies. "I can see your panties" "...I'm wearing pants" "Not anymore", you make the Ocelot 'You're pretty good' pose. ...!? Rin's realized far too late... It happened so fast... in a blink of an EYE. "Where's my... pants?" You hold out your arms, pants in hand. "My moves are flawless, my style, IMPETUOUS", you yell dramatically. "I'm still alittle bit confused by what just happened", Rin replies casually. "While moving in to give you a high five, though knowing you'd know it was futile and a waste of your time, I used this" You grabbed onto your belt. There was a grappling hook out, which you used to rip her pants off without her even realizing it. Takes skill.

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"..." "YES YES, I KNOW. I'M AMAZING. I'M HAVE A DICK 2 FEET LONG. HISAO NECKTIE, BITCHES BETTER BELIEVE" "...Well played, Hisao" You gave Rin back her pants, by placing them in her teeth. "I'll gwet you bwack fer thes, Hisao", Rin declares while biting down on her own pants... Non-erotically. You watch Rin walk away casually, burning the image of her ass in your mind. This may come back to haunt you... but it was worth it. You walk into the Tea room.... No wait. You walk back out the door. YOU PELVIC THRUST THE DOOR OPEN, THEN ROLL INSIDE. "Only noobs use door knobs", you make a statement to yourself. "Judging by all that noise, I'm guessing that's you, Hisao", Lilly says in a majestic matter. "Salutations, Lilly. I got your letter", you take it out... but then feel stupid because she can't see it. "I was a small bit scared you wouldn't be able to read it", Lilly makes a pained face. "WHAT ME? I'M THE GODDAMN BATMAN, I JUST PUT IT INTO THE ANALYZER BACK AT THE BAT CAVE-" "You didn't read it, did you?" "No" "...It was suppose to be a Christmas Card....", Lilly sinks into her chair, saddened. "Well, while I'm here....", you motion over towards the Tea Maker. "Are you going to make Tea?", she asks in a curious tone.

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"...The best Tea you'll ever drink...", you mutter. "Hisao, I have sort of a personal question for you" "Witches don't exist" "Pardon me?" "Sorry, nothing, continue" "I was going to ask you if you feel you've been a good boy this year... for Christmas Eve" "Is this some sort of kinky foreplay?" "Um... No" "Then sure, I've been alright" "Oh? That's good", Lilly smiles. The Tea Kettle begins to whistle.. "Tea's done", you observe out loud. "Jolly good!", Lilly begins to look up. After a few moments with the beverage, you sit down and hand her a steaming cup. "Mmmm.... This Tea is most delicious!", Lilly says after a few sips. "Thank you, it's a special recipe" "I must know, what did you put in this?" "Oh you know, used some bottled water instead of tap, some tea bags..." She takes another sip. "...A couple million of my precious little lives..." She stops cold in her tracks. "...E-Excuse me?" "I can atleast say that this Jesusmas, I came inside you, sort-of-speak."

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She throws the steaming hot cup of on your crotch. "HOTATATATATATATATA- I WAS JUST FUCKING WITH YOU" "Let me have your cup then", Lilly sticks her hand out. "Fine fine, here" You hand her your cup and a Candy Cane. "What's this?", she asks with a curious voice. "That's what made it so good, you stir sugar in with the Candy Cane" "Now, why didn't I think of that before?", Lilly asks, baffled. She takes a sip from your cup. ...Indirect kissu... Better kill some time. YOU HOLD BACK YOUR ANIMAL INSTINCTS TO BREAK THIS WOMAN DOWN, RAPE HER ASS, AND CUM ALL OVER HER TITS. Well, it is Christmas... You really should be a small bit nicer to Lilly. "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you or anything with that gag" "...", she puts the cup down, "Hisao, if I wasn't already used to your usual vulgar riposte, I wouldn't have given you a Christmas Card" "I suppose not...", you pour yourself a cup of Tea and whip out another Candy Cane. "...Why ARE you nice to me?", you ask with a straight face. "How do you mean?", she replies back casually. "I've done nothing but humiliate and abuse you, Hanako, everyone. Why the hell are you still being nice to me?" "Because deep down, I think you're a good person", she replies back in a smile.

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"Do you even know the things that are going through my mind right now? What I imagine doing to you? You wouldn't ever want to speak to me again", you make an honest argument. "Ah", she takes a sip, "But you're not doing any of that to me right now, are you?" "Eh?" "That's what makes you a good person", Lilly opens up her bleach blue eyes and looks at your general direction. "Convincing argument, I admit defeat", you look away while sipping more tea. ...Why are you looking away? It's not like she can see you... ...But that stare... "Oh, by the way, Hisao", Lilly motions around. "Huh?" "Here..." Lilly takes out a present from underneath the table. "Merry Christmas", Lilly hands it over to you. "..." You look down at the gift you got from this blind chick.. ...It's poorly wrapped... "I spent the past couple hours trying to wrap it, I hope I did an alright job", Lilly looks at you, pained. You notice her hands are bandaged. She... did all that just for your gift...? Ouch. Your chest feels heavy.

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"...Well go on" She opens her eyes and peers towards you. "Open it" "A-Alright..." After taking the wrapping off, easily, a DVD shaped object appears in your hand. ... ..... ...... OH MY GOD. NO WAY... "HOUSE MD, SEASON 6!?", you yell out in excitement. "Rin told me that's the only season you didn't have. I had a bit of a hard time finding it... But if you like it, then I guess it'll very well do", Lilly replies casually. .... NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE LILLY RIGHT NOW... You get up from your chair, walk over to where Lilly's sitting, and genuflect. "Lilly...", you hug her tightly out of the blue, "I'll be right back!" "Eh?", Lilly lets out while being completely confused. "STAY HERE" "Hisao wait!-" "WAITING'S FOR PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE!" YOU WALK TOWARDS THE ROOM'S WINDOWS AND JUMP OUT WHILE HUMMING THE THEME TO BATMAN. "DOO DOO DODOOOOOO, DOOOOO DOOO DOOOO DOO DOO"

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YOU HIT THE GROUND THE THE FORCE OF A FALCON PUNCHES. "UP YOURS, SNOW", you kick the snow to show it who's boss. You speed run towards the street in front of the School, then follow it into town!! "HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG", you stop in your tracks and hold your chest. OVER DID IT! OVER DID IT! "FUCK YOU HEART", you yell while punching your chest. "HEY, FUCK YOU TOO LADDY", the heart replies in a Scottish accent. "This is so not the time for a heart attack, man..." You grasp your chest as you slowly walk towards the nearest store. After a couple minutes of catching your breathe, the pain in your chest subsides. YOU KICK OPEN THE STORE'S DOOR AND POWER ROLL INSIDE. "THERE IS AN ARMY OF COCK STEALING GOBLINS OUTSIDE ABOUT TO INVADE! EVERYONE! FLEE FOOLS, FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!" "Evening Hisao...", the Store Manager replies while looking at his Jugs magazine. "MR. COCKADOCK, I NEED SOMETHING THAT'LL MAKE A GIRL JUMP FOR JOY!" "...You? Make a girl jump for joy? PFFFFFFTTTTT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", the Store Manager mocks you. "FUNNY THING, I DISCOVERED THE WEED PLANT YOU WERE GROWING IN THE BACK", you threaten. "Right... 'Jump for Joy'", he SRSES up. He does into the back, giving you time to look around!! DEAR GOD.

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YOU FOUND THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR KENJI. ....A RED RIDER BB GUN. You pick it up and walk over towards the cash register. "Alright, think I got just the thing, Hisao", the clerk comes back from the back. "I'll buy this as well" "..." "....What?" "You'll shoot your eye out, kid" K, back."Here, she'll be sure to love this" He hands you a pretty looking necklace. "Got anything... for blind chicks?" "Don't worry man, check the back" You feel the back of the necklaces middle. ....Braile... "What's it say on the back?" "Iunno, I don't read that shit" "Whatever, it'll do", you exclaim while pulling your wallet out of your Batman mask. You make your way towards the store doors"HEY HISAO", the Store Manager yells behind you. "YO" "KNOCK HER DEAD, TIGER", he gives you a thumbs up. "I AM A TIGER", you yell back as you walk into the entrance door, face first.

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After a good laughing and beating, you make your way back to the School Grounds. "HEY HISAO!", you hear the cheerful voice of the last person you wanted to see. "Semi Emi, let me guess, you were out SNOWBOARDING?" She walks over to you to punch you... The invincible style of the legless woman, HOP NO SHOTA KIN. "WAAAAATATATATATATATATATATATATATA", Emi already deads you. ...But you catch one of her hands and bring her closer to you. "I'M SORRY EMI... BUT I... DON'T HAVE TIME... TO BE PLAYING...WITH...MYSELF...", you do your best Duke Nukem impression. "OH!~ ARE THOSE PRESENTS?" "No, they're Mexicans I'm helping cross the boarder" "You went SHOPPING on Christmas Eve, Hisao?", Emi asks you with a worried face. "OF COURSE I WENT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ON CHRISTMAS EVE, I'M AN IDIOT" "You got... Anything for me!?", she begins hopping around like a rabbit. "....", you take out a Candy Cane you had tucked away... down there... "UUUUU~ CANDY CANE!", she takes it from your hand and puts it in her mouth without any restraint. "=D" "What's with that face?" "Taste good?" "TASTE DE-LI-CIOUS!... Smells a bit like bleach... though.." You smile. "Merry Christmas, Emi" You make you way back to the School and leave Emi to think about what just happened.

405

The School Grounds... Lilly... It's been a couple hours, hope she's still around. ....OH GOD, YOU HAVE GOT TO PEE. WHY DID YOU NOT NOTICE THIS BEFORE!? "HEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMM", you HERM as you undo your Batman Uniform and begin urinating on the clean snow. ...You whistle Jingle Bells... Hehe... More like Jingle BALLS"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!", a figure emerges from the snow you were urinating on. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!", you begin peeing on the newly arrived creature in hopes of melting it. "I AM A MUMMIFIED NAPOLEAN" "NAPOLEAN WASN'T EGYPTIAN" "FUCK YOU, NAYSAYER!" "Wait a minute...", you finish up and zip up your pants. "...Kenji?" "Hisao?" "What were you doing underneath the snow- Wait no, it's best I don't know" You dig out Kenji's present from the grocery bag. "Merry Christmas, Kenji", you hand Kenji the Red Rider BB Gun. "...HOLY SHIT, IS THIS A FUCKING GUN!?"

406

"It sure is, pal", you smirk. "I...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...", Kenji begins to tear up and then motion over to hug you. "Don't hug me, you smell like piss and alcohol" "I ALWAYS smell like piss and alcohol" "I mean actual piss, this time" "What? I always pee on myself" "Why...?" "To mark my territory" "OK, I'm leaving. Enjoy your gift, bro" "Later" You walk into the School Facility, dry your shoes off, and... Wait for it... .... ...... ........ BANG* "AHHHHH, MY EYE!", you hear outside. You put on a troll face. -Finishing...You open the door to the Tea Room, gently... ..This time... anyway... Lilly's still there, sitting next to the window. "Hey, miss me?", you ask modestly.

407

"No one should be alone of Christmas, Hisao", Lilly replies back to you, happily. "...Where's Hanako?" "She doesn't like Christmas too much, too much lights and noises for her, perhaps" "Considering how easy it is to blend in with snow, I bet she's having a field day being the Ninja that she is" "Where'd you go, by the way?", Lilly asks, perplexed. "Get you a present" "You really didn't need to, Hisao" "Hey, you gave me the greatest present of all time, so it's only fair" You walk over to Lilly, and dig the Necklace out. "Merry Jesusmas, Lilly", you say in a warm voice. The Necklace slides around Lilly beautifully, it really goes well with her complexion and clothing. Lilly feels it for a couple seconds then stops at the large part. "Oh? A... stone?" "Yeah, there's braille on it as well. You can go ahead and read it if you want" "A-Alright", she begins feeling the stone intently... ...YOU SWEAR TO GOD, IF IT'S SOMETHING STUPID AND EMBARRASSING, THAT STORE CLERK IS GONNA HAVE HIS MUSCLE TISSUE TORN OFF AND YOU'RE GONNA PUT YOUR INITIALS INTO HIS BARE GODDAMN BONE. "Hehe...", Lilly giggles slightly. "THAT BASTARD...!-" "It says..." Lilly shifts herself before she stands up. "I will always be your eyes", Lilly smiles.

408

...Of all the corny shit... "Haha, a bit much, isn't it?" "I think it's quite poetic, if you don't mind my saying" "If you like it, then I guess it serves it's purpose" "Hisao" "That's my name" "Look" You look around, half expecting Lilly to have a full erect penis or something surprisingOH... You're... Underneath the mistletoe? Wait, how'd she know that was there? "LOGICAL FALLACIES! IT BURNS!", you yell out. "I put that up while you were gone", Lilly explains while feeling around towards you. Alright... A kiss. You can do this. Come on... COME ON! YOU'RE HISAO NECKTIE, A KISS FROM A WENCH IS NOTHING BUT A G THING HOMIE G DAWG!? Why are you talking in street? Lilly manages to find you, by feeling around, she slowly inches her way towards your face. "Lilly, I didn't do this so we could make out then have pleasant gentlemanly and lady sexual relations-"

409

Her lips reach yours faster than you could blink. For a brief moment, Lilly's warm, moist, soft lips were pinned against your chaff, rough, and covered in Bar-B-Que sauce lips... She pulls away, slowly. "Spicy...", she exclaims. "Story of my life", you sigh. You walk out of the Tea Room, refreshed. "Hisao...", you hear Rin's voice. "Ah, Rin, here for payback?", you observe Rin's non lack of pants. "Thought about it... but seeing as how it's Christmas, I thought bygones could be bygones" "...I don't like the sound of your voice" "Really? I think it's normal sounding" "Wait a minute... something's wrong here" "There might be... you never know..." Rin takes a look at what's in your hand. "Enjoy... House yet?" "....I haven't" "You really should, I hear it's a pretty good season" You power walk past Rin and back to your room, then pop the DVD in your Blu-ray player... ...Metal Gear Solid 4 boots up... The end.

410

The Broginning
Once upon a time, there was a young man, who was proclaimed the Destroyer of Cunts. But before he was known so, he was yet another regular Main Character, living life as life intended. Hard to believe? You know, right? But to understand where you are, it's important to reflect back on where it all began. It all started when you received a note in your locker. A love note. ... ...... PFFFFFFTTTT- HAHAHAHAHA. YOU? GETTING A LOVE NOTE? OH MAN, that's some funny ass shit. You walk towards the rally point, noticing how cold the air around you is. "GOD MY BALLS ARE THE SIZE OF CASHEWS", you yell out loud. It's been an hour since you were suppose to meet the sad psycho bitch who wants to have your babies. A thought crosses your mind. She may have stood you up, for kicks. You've been waiting patiently by a tree outside of your School, the snow falling quietly all around you. It's quiet a peaceful and serene scene... ...

411

..... Fuck it.

You begin urinating in the snow, writing your name in the progress. "ATATATATATATATATATATATA, YOU ARE ALREADY SPELLED", you grunt out comically. "Uh....", you hear a sound behind you. "WHOA HO HO", you frantically try to put your pecker away while the urine continues spurting out. You turn around... And receive a pleasant surprise. She's actually kinda hot. JACKPOT. "Is this a bad time? I could come back later if you want-", the girl continues. "NO NO, IT'S ALL GOOD. SPEAK YOUR HEART, KITTEN", you try to keep her attention away from the lower part of your body. The pee seems to be running down your leg right now... You begin to wonder if your pants will freeze. Has anyone ever killed someone else by Dragon kicking them using pants covered in frozen piss? ......Note to self, fund Ice Urination Ninjutsu. "Hisao.... Has anyone ever called you a God among Men so awesome your manlyness leaves everyone you come across awestruck and emasculated?", the girl begins to flatter you. "Not lately" "Well, you are to me, and have been for a very long time. I've been working up the nerve to" ? Your arm's starting to itch...? *Sniff*

412

At first you thought it was the urine, but you seem to have a weird aroma about you....? This doesn't sound good. "-So I hope that you and me can maybe kinda start dating, what do you say?", the girl finishes. "Are you... itchy?", you ask in a frantic tone. "Pardon me?" "I can't seem to stop scratching myself" "H-Hisao?" !? YOUR CHEST! "UGH! MY CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S ON FIIIIIRRRREEE" "HISAO!?" THIS PAIN-! YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHEST YOUR CHESTYOU CLUTCH YOUR CHEST AS YOU FALL TO THE GROUND IN A MANLY MANNER. GOOD GOD, THIS BITCH COULD BE THE FINAL BOSS.... MAYBE INTERACTING WITH HER HAS AWAKENED A POWER DEEP INSIDE YOU THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO JUMP INTO TV'S AND FIGHT AN EVIL DETECTIVE THAT HATES WOMEN ALL THE WHILE AMASSING FRIENDSHIPS WITH PEOPLE AFTER REACHING OUT FOR THE TRUTH. ... ..... .......Or maybe you should stop snorting Bar-B-Que Sauce. Wait.

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What were you doing? Oh right, you were having a heart attack"HHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRGGGGG", you HHNNNNGGG before losing consciousness and the theme song to the game starts playing.

CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOOOON THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DONE LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REEEESSSSTTT DON'T YOU CRY NO MOOOOREEE DUNANANANANA ...You wake up momentarily in the hospital... "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING DOCTOR!?", you hear your Dad's manly voice. "Your son has Cardiac Dysrhythmia, Mr. Necktie", the Doctor adds to the convo. "...So he can't read?" "No, he has a dangerous heart condition" "...You've lost me" "OK, imagine this tomato is your son's heart, and this microwave is his current status. Now right now as you can see, it's alright, however if we factor in any strenuous activities which is represented by these numbers, his heart will start to sturr and thus explode, taking his life in the process", The Doc explains. "...So my Son's organs are made of vegetables?" "A tomato is a fruit" "ARE YOU CALLING MY BOY A FRUIT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!?" "How you've managed to live this long is nothing short of a miracle, excuse me", the doctor walks out the door. Your father walks over to the side of your bed and sits down. "BOOHOO, HISAO'S GONNA BE RETARDED FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE...", your dad starts to sob.

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"Dad... I'm not retarded, if anything I'd be handicapped-", you muster up your strength to speak. !!! Your Dad springs up quicker than you could see and begins dancing around like a retard. "HURRAY! MY BOY'S ALRIGHT, IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" "I-It's January..." "Son, after finally waking up it'd be a shame if I'd have to put you back to sleep", your dad threatens you. "What... happened to me?" "You had a heart attack" "What happened to that hot bitch who totally wanted to have my children?" "She got bored of watching you roll around on the ground in agonizing pain and decided to go to Mcdonalds" "Then who saved me?" "Some Llama girl with burn scars" "Oooooh, foreshadowing" You take a moment and look around the room. "I'd hate to ask, but where's Mom?", you shiver at the thought of your parents watching you sleep. "She died in a plane crash" "WHAT!?" "Just fucking with you, boy. She's outside talking with those doctors... and nurses... Man there are some hot pieces of ASS in this place", you father begins drooling. "Better now let Mom hear you say that" "Oh it's all right, she's hopped up on 'Happy Pills'"

415

Your Father's a bit of a moron, but he's good at heart. After all, he's a GARbage man. But your mother, she's what the Australians call 'EL LOCO BITCH-OH'. Yandere to the core. "Oh! Hisao, you're awake!", you hear her voice coming at you with ludicrous speed. "Mommy! I can't believe you died in a plane crash" "What?" "Nothing, where'd you go?" "Mommy had to go ghost a nurse in the bathroom for talking to daddy, sweetheart" "Oh, alright... Wait-" The conversation goes on like that for quite awhile, but then the staff come in and brief your parents on your current condition. The two of them converse with each other and the staff. You feel left out as you lay on the cold hospital bed. So ronery. All this medical talk and pills being shoved in your face, it makes you feel out of place. Guess you better see what's on TV. ...Hours go by as you watch a 'House M.D.' marathon for the first time. ...Good god, this is the greatest show ever made... Suddenly, you no longer feel quiet so ronery. But after it's over, and this wall of text begins to end, you ponder what to do with so much free time... It's been weeks since you've had your heart attack. Visitors coming and going. That girl still wanted your babies... but quickly lost interest. You lay on the hospital bed an empty shell of a man.

416

...Maybe you should just die. That would make things easier on everyone. What's the point of continueing existence? In the end, all you've done will eventually be forgotten. Anyone you've cared about will forget you, hell, the entire world more than likely looks down on you. ... Isn't this the part where you're suppose to be feeling inspired to turn your life around? Isn't this the part where your childhood hero comes in and tells you everything will be all right? Isn't this... This... Man, this sucks. ... ..... But all that quickly comes to a stop as you make on hell of a realization. The only person who can give you inspiration... ...Is yourself. You. You're your own hero. People look up to you whether you knew it or not. What are you doing? Wallowing in self-pity? PFFFFT!

417

You had a heart attack and now have a life threatening condition you have to monitor hindering things in your life? PFFFFT! You're Hisao motherfucking Necktie. And you'll be damned if this minor setback will stop you. YOU GET UP! YOU PULL OUT THE EQUIPMENT THEY HAD HOOKED INTO YOU. THEN YOU PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES WHILE THE THEME TO ROCKY STARTS TO PLAY IN YOUR HEAD. Is this insanity? ... HAHA! YOUR INSANITY IS SANITY! LET'S PUT THIS SHIT INTO GEAR! You walk outside the hospital room, slowly at first, your leg muscles have decreased a bit. But you BEGIN TO PICK UP SPEED! "HALT! STOP RIGHT THERE!", you hear a Doctor calling out to you. But, you aren't in any right mind to listen to his bullshit. "Where do you think you're going?", he asks as he's running towards you. "SORRY DOC, I'M CHECKING OUT", you say with a smile. "STOP! SOMEONE STOP THAT MAN!", the Doc cries out as you begin running. You make it to the end of the hall, and meet your arch nemesis for the first time. Windows... "HAHAHA! YOU THINK YOU BE LEAVIN' THIS PLACE BOY!?", Window-sama starts talking

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to you. "Heh, I'm already GONE!" YOU GAIN SPEED AND MOMENTUM. WITH ALL YOUR FURY AND MIGHT, YOU COLLIDE WITH THE WINDOW DESTROYING IT COMPLETELY. You look back at the people who came running behind you to stop your 'shenanigans'. But you smile right at them and let out a mighty roar. "I AM HISAO NECKTIE! DESTROYER OF CUUUUUNTS!" The entire staff looks for you throughout the hospital and outside. "Mr. Necktie!", a doctor begins talking to your dad. "Hmm?" "Is it possible the boy went back to your house?" "No." "I warn you, he's in serious condition, hiding him is just gonna hurt him in the long run" Your dad gives the Doctor a disgusted look then looks out into the distance. "My boy's becoming a man" "If you have ANY idea where he might be-" Your dad turns his back to the doctor and walks away. Flashback back to you. So you've crashed through a window and fallen a unknown number of stories into a tree, pile that on top of your newly acquired heart condition, and now you're stranded out in the middle of a remote forest, everything's worked out better than expected. This heart thing... Arrhythmia... It's gonna be a problem... But it's nothing you can't beat right here.

419

Right now. "WAH TAH!", you jam a piece of bark into your chest. !? AH! OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!? FUUUUUUUUCK! You know, it hindsight, maybe staying in that comfortable hospital bed with air conditioning and House M.D. wasn't such a bad idea. ... Well, nothing you can do about it now. "RIGHT, I'VE WATCHED THE DRAGONBALL, ALL I NEED TO DO IS RIP AT THE GROUND UNTIL MY FINGERNAILS ARE GONE THEN WEAR A TORTOISE SHELL THAT'LL WEIGH ME DOWN" You begin ripping at the ground until your fingernails are but a thing of the past. "FUCK YOU, EARTH!" A song starts to play in your mind as you exercise yourself intensively. NOW YOU'RE A MAN A MANNY MANNY MAN WHAT MAKES A MAN IS IT THE WOMAN IN HIS ARMS JUST CAUSE SHE HAS BIG TITTIES OR IS IT THE WAY HE FIGHTS EVERYDAY NO IT'S PROBABLY THE TITTIES! "NOW I'M A MAN, A MANNY MANNY MAYUN", you sing along. But then you stop dead in your tracks. "FUCK, I DON'T HAVE A WOMAN OR BIG TITTIES!....... WAIT NO, I MEANT A WOMAN WITH BIG TITTIES"

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Come to think of it. You could be doing all this awesome training shit while you went to school. Train your mind and body. YOU'LL BE UNFUCKINGSTOPPABLE. "FUCK YES, I'LL GO LEARN MORE ABOUT VAGINA'S" You find your house somehow. "HEY MOM, I'M HOME-", you stop. Your mother is standing over your Dad... ...Holding a knife... ...With blood all over it and the floor... "FUCKDAMMIT, I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN ONE OF THESE DAYS", you remark. "Hisao...", you mother motions towards you. "OH GOD" "NICE BOAT", she yells out. "Wait what?" Your dad gets up, in his hand is a ketchup bottle. "HAR HAR, ARE YOU STILL ON NAMEK, SON?" "OH YOU GUYS", you were never quite so happy to be home. This kind of underhanded madness is your kind of underhanded madness. "I thought you'd be back Hisao, you forgot about your education didn't you?", your mother looks at your with a warm face. "No, I just wanted to watch Crank 2 on DVD" "Well, luck would have it, I've already signed you up" "Wait, what? I just got here from I don't know how long in the wilderness doing manly exercises and on the slight off chance I'd be back, you already had everything worked out?"

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"Son, you're gibbering", your father points out. "Don't forget Hisao, I'm connected to you with mothers intuition", you mother remarks with a psychotic face. You look at the school pamphlet located on the table. "A CRIPPLE SCHOOL!? WHAT THE FUCKING COCKNUGGETS?", you yell. "Language" "BITCH, THE FUCK AM I DOING GOING TO A CRIPPLE SCHOOL?" "Your father thought it'd be funny" "Haha, it's true, I did" "MY HEART CONDITION'S NOT THAT FUCKING BAD" "Son, you're acting as though we're giving you a choice" "FINE, GOD, I'LL GO." You turn around towards the door, and crash through it without using the doorknob. You stop and turn around. "DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HAVE CRANK 2 ON DVD?" You arrive at the school grounds... You know, for a school full of cripple people, shit's not so bad. "THIS SCHOOL IS GOING DOWN, MOTHERFUCKERS", you yell outside. "Excuse me", you hear a new voice. "YOU'RE EXCUSED", you remark to the man approaching you. Scruffy looking guy, looks like a drug addict. "Are you mister Hisao Nakai?", the man asks. "ARE YOU A DRUG ADDICT?" "N-No... I'm the homeroom teach of your class"

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"RIIIIIIIIGGGHT" "My name's Akio Mutou", Akio introduces himself. "THAT'S TOO HARD TO REMEMBER, I'M GONNA CALL YOU TEACHER-SENSEI" "Call me whatever you want, you're late for class" "I'M NOT LATE FOR CLASS, CLASS IS LATE FOR ME" "Just get inside, you're giving me a headache" "Whatever, Teacher-sensei" The two of you walk inside the school, a strangely refreshing aroma fills the air. "Would you like to introduce yourself to the class? Or would you rather I do the honors?", Teacher-Sensei asks. "I'LL INTRODUCE MYSELF, DAWG", you tell Teacher-Sensei while making a gang sign. "Okie-Dokey" YOU WALK TOWARDS THE CLASSROOM DOOR AND KICK IT THE FUCK OPEN. "LISTEN UP YOU PIECES OF FECAL MATTER, I'M HISAO FUCKING NECKTIE, AND I LOVE THE CLIT. IF ANY OF YOU FINE BITCHES DON'T HAVE ANYTHING INFECTIOUS, AND YOU LIKE DOGGY, I'M YOUR MAN-", you stop your speech mid-way. ... .... Oh whoops. This isn't classroom 3-3. This class you just opened into is nothing but a bunch of disabled little kids looking at you puzzled. "Wrong room, my bad", you close the door and walk over to Teacher-Sensei. "Why didn't you stop me?" "You looked like you were having too much fun"

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He leads you down the hallways further and finally reach your point of destination. "Are you ready, Mr. Nakai?", the Teacher asks. "MY NAME IS NECKTIE, AND I WAS BORN READY, MOTHER FAWKO" You enter the room, which a moment ago was full of whispering and idle chatter, now reduced to mere silence. "Morning, class. We have a new student joining today and I want you all to make him feel welcome. Take the floor, Hisao" You walk up to the middle of the room and are met with a few dozen blank stares... Good god, that chick has no hand... And that one's hair is PINK. Mother of god, one of them has it so bad you feel more sorry for him than you've ever felt sympathy for before. He's french... ... Oh right. You're suppose to say something... "I AM HISAO NECKTIE, DESTROYER OF CUNTS!", you roar to the class, breaking the awkward silence. The class begins to gossip amongst themselves. "Destroyer of cunts? Really?" "Damn, that was a dynamic opening" "Parle vu fransgay?" "Hey Shiichan, what's a CUNT? Wahaha" The teacher looks like he's getting an even bigger headache. "Just take a seat, over by Shizune should be fine"

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"I'LL SIT WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANT, NAZI", you stride your way to the empty chair. ... ..... There's a pink haired bitch with drills in her hair staring at you. "ARE YOU SHIZUNE?", you ask. "No, WAHAHA" "THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE" You notice the blue haired girl in front of you is staring at you as well. "ARE YOU SHIZUNE?" "..." "THE FUCK DOES ... MEAN?" "Hiichan, Shiichan is blind", the pink haired girl behind you tells you with a upbeat tone. "...She looks like she can see just fine" "No, Hiichan, she's BLIND!" "HEY, GLASSES, ARE YOU BLIND?" "...", she replies by staring at you. "Hiichan, she can't reply back at you, she's blind!" "YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD, I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS" The blue haired girl with the glasses begins writing a note ecstatically, and passes you said note like a bartender. It reads: "Salutations New Guy, I am Shizune Hakamichi. Please ignore Misha, we trained her wrong purposely, as a joke. Could you write your name for me, please?" ...

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You draw a penis on the back of the piece of paper and pass it to her. "...", you glances back at you, annoyed. You hold up your hands, trying to say you were joking and take the paper back. You write "Hisao Necktie, Destroyer of Cunts extraordinaire, pleased to meet you" and pass it to her. It takes a moment, but the paper is back on your side of the table. It reads "Hisao Necktie, Friend or Foe? Circle one" .... You circle 'or' and pass it to her. She looks at you with an even more exasperated sigh. You smile and shrug. "HEY HIICHAN", the pink haired girl behind you yells in your ear. "WHAT. CHRIST. WHAT?" "Hi" "Misha's your name, right?" "WICKEY TICKEY WA-BANG!" "Is that a yes or a no?" "That's a firm affirmative, WAHAHA!" "Misha" "Yo" "Shut the fuck up" "Oh! OK! Gotcha!", she gives you the OK sign with her hand. ... .....

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"Hey Hiichan" "....Yes...?" "Hi" "GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU!" Hours go by as you learned how to Science, Teacher-Sensei's way. ...Misha and Shizune meet you outside just as you exit the classroom. "FUCK YES, ARE WE GONNA HAVE A THREE-WAY?", you ask. Shizune reads you lips movements then firmly shakes her head 'no'. "AWWWWWWWW...." "Hiichan, you wanna go to lunch with us!?", Misha asks innocently with that over-positive tone of voice. "HAHAHAHA no", you spout as you turn around and leave. Misha watches you slowly disappear into the distance, with puppy dog teary eyes. ... ..... "FUCK, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM", you yell as you get lost. Best do what any normal person does in these situations. Live off the flesh of your teammates while waiting for help to arrive. Wait. No. Ask for directions. You always get those two mixed around. There's a door to your right, light emanating from inside.

427

You open the door slowly, letting your eyes gradually adjust to the light. Best be cautious... Never know when those tricky Ninja traps are gonna spring. ... ..... There's a girl sitting by herself next to a table, looks like she's drinking tea or coffee. The light coming in shines off her skin and hair, making her look angelic... But that's not the best part, her very presence leaves the room... Serene... Calm... A sorta weightless atmosphere that you could easily fall asleep in. "SUGOI" "Huh? I-Is someone there?", she turns her head to the side. Oh. She's... Blind. Hmmm.... "Uh... Yeah, sorry, am I interrupting anything?", you ask politely. "Why, not at all, please, come in", she counters your politeness with more politeness. "I'd rather not impose", you deal a blow of polititude against her chivalrous nature. "Please, it's no trouble at all", she Stone Cold Stunners the fuck out of you. "Very well", you take a seat on the opposite end of the table. "What brings you around here, Mister..." "THE NAME'S BOND, JAMES BOND" "Hehehehehe", she giggles. Wait. SHE GIGGLED AT YOUR SHENANIGANS!?

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OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD W-WHAT DO YOU DO!? "Alright, 'Bond', so what brings you around here, pray tell?", she asks with a smile. "U-Uh... Oh. I was kinda... lost" "Oh, quiet the embarrassing dilemma" "I don't suppose you can give me directions to my next... class... I now realize I'm asking a visually challenged women for directions and how stupid that sounded" "Well, I guess I wouldn't be the most helpful in that department...", she takes a sip of her cup. OH GOD, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING THIRSTY BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE. "Oh, would you care for some tea?" "I would tea love some for", your brain malfunctions. "Alright t-then?", she asks with her head half cocked. Hehe... 'Cocked' Wait, no, stop thinking about those stupid things. There's a hot blind chick in front of you. Pouring some fucking delicious tea. Isn't tea an aphrodisiac? God, you hope so. Wait. Where are you pants? OH GOD! DID YOU GO TO CLASS WITHOUT YOUR PANTS ON!?

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IS THAT WHY EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING AT YOU!? Oh. Nevermind, you're just having hallucinations. ... .... YOU'RE HAVING HALLUCINATIONS!? WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE PUT IN THAT TEA...You didn't drink the tea yet... What the hell is wrong with you? The girl puts the cups on a tray and walks towards you!? THE TRAY IS MAKING HER BREASTS EVEN MORE VISIBLE? UGH! OH GOD, YOU CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS! "Hey, what was your name again?", you ask her as calmly as you could. "Lilly, Lilly Satou. Here's your tea, hope you enjoy it", she starts feeling around for the table and places the tray down. "Lilly was it? Nice name, very feminine" "Really? I rather detest my name" "And this tea is some of the best I've ever had" "...I forgot to brew it" "Alright, I know there's a right answer in there somewhere" "Relax, I'm just teasing you", she smiles.

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"OHOHOHO YOU", you muster up enough self-control not to bounce her titties. The bell begins to ring. Looks like you'll have to find your next classroom yourself. "Well, sorry I have to cut this short", you get up, your erection pulling the sheet off the table in the process. "That's quite all right... What was your name again?", she asks a second time. "Name's Hisao Necktie, Destroyer of... Hearts", you make your dynamic exit.

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The Broginning 2
"FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU I'M GONNA BE LATE TO CLASS", you hurry the fuck up around the school, looking for your next classroom, bulldozing all that stands in your way with your leftover erection. "Wait. I don't give a fuck if I'm late to class", you give yourself a sudden realization. Come to think of it, why couldn't you just go home and watch Batman? .... "Oh yeah, that's right" You grin hard. YOU FUCKING LOVE TO LEARN. Then again, Schools nowadays aren't about learning. It's about monotonous memorization. ...Or is that what learning is? "MOTHER FUCKWAFFLES", you conclude. Wait. A sound? !? THERE'S A PIG TAILED GIRL COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU LIKE A FUCKING TRAIN. "HOLY ZEN" "SEMI EMI COMING THROOOOOOUUUGGGHHH, SOMEONE FAT GET IN MY WAAAAAAAY", the approaching force yells out. SPLIT SECOND BULLET TIME THINKING What do you do in this situation? YOU TAKE YOUR PENIS IN YOUR HANDS AND HOLD ONTO IT LIKE A BAT. "AH! WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOIIINNNNGGG", the girl yells before coming into contact with

432

you. "DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU'RE CUMMING WITH ME", you Robocop reference her ass. YOU SMACK YOUR ERECTION ACROSS THE GIRL AS SHE RUNS NEXT TO YOU, STOPPING HER DEAD ON THE FLOOR. "I BELIEVE I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE, WITH MY PENIS" "Uhhh...." The girl's completely out of it. "...OR I THINK I JUST MURDERED SOMEONE WITH MY PENIS", you come to a frantic conclusion. "OH GOD, HISAO, WHAT DO WE DO!? I CAN'T GO BACK TO JAIL, MAN!", your penis pleads you. "WE WERE NEVER FUCKING HERE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?", you yell at your crouch. "Waaaahhhhh..... What... What just happened?", the girl regains consciousness and sits up with a penis shaped red mark on her face. "UH... UH...", you struggle to think of a good explanation. "O-Oh! Did I run into you? Sorry Sorry", she gets up"GOOD GOD, WHERE ARE YOU LEGS?", you make a mind numbing discovery. "I'm an amputee, genius" "YOU'RE A GODDAMN CYBORG. YOU WERE PROBABLY SENT HERE TO KILL ME SINCE I'M GOING TO BE A MAJOR THREAT AGAINST YOUR CORPORATION IN THE FUTURE" "What? No. I'm was just making my morning jog-" "I SAW JUDGEMENT DAY BITCH, I KNOW I CAN FREEZE YOUR ASS AND SMASH YOU TO PIECES" "I'm just here to party all the time" "PARTY ALL THE TIME?" "PAAAAARTY ALL THE TIME!"

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"..." "..." ""HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"", you both laugh at each others shenanigans. And you swear to god you'll pistol whip the next person who says Shenanigans. "I'm Emi Ibarazaki, and I fucking love to exercise", the pig-tailed girl with no legs introduces herself. "GREETINGS, I'M HISAO NECKTIE, DESTROYER OF CUNTS", you give your obligatory intro. "Destroyer... of Cunts?" "Yeah, but don't let the title fool you, I'm a nice sensitive guy with happy feelings, ALL OF THE TIME!" "But isn't Betty a woman's name?", she recognizes your ruse. "...You've watched... and remembered Kung Pow?" "21 times" "FUCKING AWESOME, WILL YOU TAKE MY VIRGINITY?" "What? No!" "Sorry, old habits", despite that being the first time. "Anywho, sorry for bumping into, Hisao" "IT'S COOL, I WHACK MY ERECTION AGAINST THINGS ALL OF THE TIME" "What?" "What." "You're a strange fella" "And you have no legs" "Touche" "Anyway do you know where my next classroom is-"

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!! HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG You clutch your chest. "UGH, MY HEART'S BEING RACIST AGAINST LIVING", you conclude in a sweep. "D-Do you need to go to the Nurses office!? Are you OK?" "I'LL JUST... WALK IT OFF... NO WAIT, THAT'D ONLY MAKE IT WORSE" .... It takes a second but it finally subsides. "YEAH, TAKE THAT IMMINENT DEATH. YOU CAN SUCK ON MY BALLS" "Hahaha! You're a funny guy Hisao, I thought for sure you were about to die painfully" "Were you jacking off? GOOD GOD" "Alright, things are starting get a bit too weird even for me... SO I'M GONNA GO FUCKING EXERCISE" "FUCK YEAH, KICK THAT GROUNDS ASS" Shizune and Misha come around the corner before Emi takes off. Shizune takes a look at Emi's penis shaped red mark located on her left cheek and at you sweating immensely. She sighs. "..." "RUNNING IN THE HALLS AGAIN EMI, WAHAHA", Misha seems to be translating. "Sorry Sorry, I'm in a hurry!", Emi books it from the 5-0. A dust cloud is all that is left of that legless loli. "GOD, I'M SO FUCKING GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE", you say as you approach them with your erection. Misunderstandings and beatings later...

435

"So we basically have the same class schedule?", you ask Shizune which is basically asking Misha who asks Shizune.... Or something of that nature. "Yes, the next class's thatta way!", Misha points to the opposite end of the hallway. "Man, I need a map... And some money... and to get Laid" You begin walking towards the same classroom"Hiichan wait, WAHAHA!" "I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HEAR THAT WAHAHA ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I'M GONNA PEE IN YOUR DRILLS" "...!", Shizune motions you very sternly. "Ugh, fine, WHAT?" "..." "Would you like to join the Student Council?" "HAHAHA... Wait you're serious? LET ME LAUGH EVEN HARDER", you laugh as hard and as loud as you can. Misha tears up while Shizune turns red with rage. Best make like a leaf and get the fuck out of there. You enter class. "ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKER, LETS LEARN MATH" Teacher-Sensei peers at you with an annoyed looked. "What's 2X Divided by 6 Equals 12?" "SINCE WHEN WERE THERE FUCKING NUMBERS IN MATH?" "Since Algebra" "NIGGA, WHAT'S THIS GAY-ASS ALGEBRA SHIT?", you act ghetto. "Jesus Christ...", he facepalms as he buries his head in his desk.

436

Hours go by as you learn how to Maths. God damn. This shit is boring. You begin to wonder what Algebraic Rule 34 would look like. ....5 must be one hell of a whore. "HISAO!", the teach throws a piece of chalk at your head. "OUCH! FUCK. SHIT." "Did you hear what I was talking about?" "Something about Gandhi being a badass motherfucker and laying out bitches left and right" "Close, I was talking about the school's festival that's coming up" "SNOOGINS, WILL WE HAVE A FUCKING TILT-A-WHIRL?" "That's a Carnival" "Then the fuck is a festival?" "Celebration of tradition" "That sounds surprisingly homoerotic, what does that have to do with me?" "I appointed Shizune to head this years festivities" "Who's dick did she have to suck?" "Mine, that's why you're helping" "WHAT? FUCK THAT" "Relax, she just needs your help gathering supplies, like boards and things of that nature" "SHE'S ASKING A MAN WITH A HEART PROBLEM TO DO SOME STRESSFUL HEAVY LIFTING?" "Looks like it"

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"Fine, but if she asks me to put on a dress and dance to Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal... Well, actually that sounds pretty funny and awesome. Tell her I'd do it" You leave the room in a fluster. Festival supplies? There must be a supply room around here... Fuck, you couldn't even find your own Classroom, how in the hell are you gonna find a Supply RoomOh, there it is. !? Your Spider Senses are tingling... There's someone inside... YOU KICK OPEN THE DOOR AND DODGE ROLL INSIDE. "GET DOWN, ENEMY SNIPERS EVERYWHERE!" ... ..... There's only a girl inside. She appears to be resting on a windowSHE HAS NO ARMS! SHE HAS NOOOO ARMS! SHE'S LIKE THE PS3 ONLY SHE MORE THAN LIKELY HAS GAMES WHICH UPON FURTHER THOUGHT WOULDN'T make sense considering you need thumbs to play vidya.... Damn, you feel dumb now. ....Like you don't 24/7. ! FIRST IMPRESSION!

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SHIT, YOU KINDA MESSED THAT UP WITH YOUR SHENANIGANSYou pistol whip yourself mentally. THINK, THINK! "IT'S RAPING TIME", you yell. "No Dad No", Rin yells, apathetically. You grab her from the window and land her ass on the table. Slowly, you rip off her clothing and begin bouncing dem titties. "Stop no, I'm still a virgin", Rin continues her apathy. You insert your ponos into her vagoo, resulting in blood being fucking everywhere. "Ow, that hurt" "BITCH, I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET-" You jizz inside Rin before you even move. "DOH!" You take it out of Rin, semen pouring out. "Oh no, I will become pregnant, whatever shall I do", Rin doesn't even give a fuck. "Kid's not mine, later" You leave the room, leaving the poor girl scarred... Well, mildly annoyed. Rin dies 2 months later of breast cancer. And you become the owner of a Amusement park. Good end. "I bet raping you would be as easy as 1, 2, 3", you say in your best Sean Connery accent. "Doubt it, pants aren't easy access", the girl looks your way without a care in her eyes. "A true man finds a way to pierce any hole no matter the cost", you clutch your fist

439

dramatically. "You looking for something? Because otherwise, things would be silly" "WHEN I'M AROUND, EVERYTHING'S SILLY" "Let me guess, Festival supplies?" "GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES" "Thought so" "Really? You don't seem the thinking type" "I think all the time, like what air would look like if it were visible...", she trails off. "I was kidding... but alright, what if air looked like miniature Robert Downey Jr's?" "I-... Hmm...", the girl goes into a deep thinking stance with her foot. Jeez, this girl is cheezed out of her fricken mind. ...Then again, when aren't you? "I'm Hisao" "Rin" "Rin?" "Hisao" "Rin." "Hisao." "Rex." "Shepard." "Well, now that we have that out of the way, I think I'll be raping you now", you begin to unzip your pants jokingly. "I'll warn you, I'm spotting", she glances back out the window. "Spotting? The fuck does that- OH. OOOOOOHHH"

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Right. Just pick up the shit and run. Snatch and book. You remember the basics of CQC. Why? "Rin", you call out as you leave. "Hisao" "You're pretty good", you make a hand sign while keeping the supplies in your arms. "If you say so" "Never change", and with that, you leave. "HERE'S YOU SHIT, YOU DEAF MUTE BITCH", you yell as you pile the supplies inside the classroom. "..." "Good work, Hiichan! Now our plans to takes over the world are complete! WAHAHA" "Yeah, good luck with that, I'm gonna go to the library and jerk off to porn. "..." "But... There is no porn in the Library!" "Not yet, there isn't", you mutter while walking out. After much debate, you decide to spend the rest of your evening in the Library... A library is a place of solace and enlightenment... "OH GOD, I'M CUMMING INSIDE A UNDERAGED GIRLS VAGINA!", you yell outside the doors. That should warm them up. You enter in casually as you look at the Librarian, who's still in shock.

441

"Sup, you got any books involving Succubi and Ninjas?" "I... What?" "You know what, nevermind, I'll look for myself" "Wait, what was that just now?", the Librarian asks. "Didn't you hear?" "Hear.. What?" "That the bird is the word" "...What's your name?" "HISAO NECKTIE, DESTROYER OF CUNTS" "I'm Yuuko Shirakawa, and you're not welcome here" "WHAT? WHY!" "Because you're loud, crude, disruptive, and rude" "I can be nice" "Somehow, I doubt it" "Alright, tell you what, you let me stay and I won't mention the pot collection you have hidden in the bible to anyone" "..." "..." "...How did you-" "I DIDN'T, OH MY GOD, DRUGS ON SCHOOL GROUNDS. THAT'S JUST ASKING FOR A FIRING" "Fine, just be quiet" "Fuck you, drug addict" You find a decent looking book and walk towards the back...

442

There's something sitting on a bean bag... It looks like it's... reading a book? "WHAT THE FUCK, LLAMA'S CAN'T READ BOOKS", you yell at the burn scarred girl. "W-What?", the girl frantically looks at you and back at the book. "LLAMA'S CAN'T TALK EITHER" "I-I am not a L-Llama!, she starts to get mustered up. "ARE YOU FRUSTRATED?", Kircheis.jpg She starts to shake violently at your sudden intrusion and usual bullshit. "Y-Y-Yes..." "Hey, calm down. I'm just being stupid", you try to calm her down. "Y-You're scaring me...", the burn scarred girl says with a frightened look. "No, that's a good thing. It means you're smart" You sit a spell away from the girl... ...But that doesn't mean you're finished. "JOHN SMILED AS HIS RAGING ERECTION BANGED AGAINST LISA'S EYEBALL", you begin to read out loud. The girl behind you looks up with a puzzled face. "IT'S GOING IN YOUR BUTT NOW BABY, CHU CHU! TRY NOT TO FART", you continue. "W-W-WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU R-R-READING!?", the girl yells from behind you. "Avatar. By James Cameron" She gets up, obviously flustered and frightened by your daily stupidity. "IGOTTAGOBESOMEWHERENOW!", she yells while she exits. ...That was way too fast for an ordinary burn scarred girl. ...She must be a fucking ninja.

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"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?", the Librarian scolds you. "Shut up, drug addict." ...Dammit, you didn't get that girls name. "Hey, what was her name?" "Her name's Hanako, and she's a terrific person", she starts off. "She seemed like a better person than you or me... Damn, I feel bad now. I need to cut back on toying with people", you feel trolls remorse. Next time you meet her, you'll apologize. Dammit, you need to get your head in the game. Sigh.... Guess you'll have to blow off some steam with these pornographic novels. "I'LL TAKE THESE" "...Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?", the Librarian looks back at you. "SOUNDS LIKE SOME HOT SHIT" You check out and leave an anonymous tip to the police about Yuuko's pot. Boy, is she gonna be pissed. It's time to check into your room... ...Or so you thought...

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The Broginning 3
After the long day you've had, you thought it best to turn in for the first time at your student dorm room.. Upon entering... "DID SOMEBODY FART IN HERE?", you yell out loud as you enter the student quarters. The place smells like cat piss. ...Maybe it's a Meth Din. ...Is that how cripple people make money? There's a couple students sitting on a couch in the front, playing Halo. "AW SWEET, MY MONEY'S ON MASTER CHIEF" "They're all... Master Chief's..", one of the cripple bros mutters. "IF IT'S NOT GREEN, OR IN BETWEEN, THAT REMAINS TO BE SCENE", you lay down a fat rhyme. You walk past the front... You're not here to play vidya, you're here to read pornographic novels and sleep off hangovers. Room number... Room number... Where's your room? How the fuck do characters in movies always know where to go? How would Goku go about finding a student room? Would it take several episodes? Would he still be on Namek? Man, all this mind wandering really isn't helping.

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1. "HALT" 2. "HALT" 3. "FREEZE" You hear three separate voices, coming from the same place...? You turn aroundAND SEE CONJOINED LOLI TRIPLETS. "HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE NOT IN THE ORIGINAL GAME" 1. "WE ARE KEEPERS" 2. "OF ZE" 3. "HALLWAYS" "Come to think of it, isn't this a male only dorm?", you think out loud. 2. "We're traps" "CONJOINED LOLI TRAP TRIPLETS?", Say that 5 times fast. 1. "TO GET PAST US THREE" 2. "YOU MUST OUT RHYME US" 3. "WITH OUR MAD DICTIONARY" You take a good long look at this farce of reality. "WELL, TO GET PAST ME YOU MUST ANSWER ME THESE QUESTIONS THREE", you smirk. 1. "TOO BAD THAT MOVIE WE DID SEE" 2. "WE ARE WOMEN TRAPPED IN MEN" 3. "BOUND BY THE SOUL" 1. "THOUGH WE REEK WITH SIN" 2. "WE'LL GLADLY BAKE YOU A ROLL"

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"""WE ARE THE CONJOINED THREE, BUT OUR SOULS ARE FREE! WE TROLL THESE HALLS IN SEARCH OF THEE!""" God fucking damnit. "BITCH, MY RHYMES ARE THE BOMB DIGGITY", FO SHOW. 2. "BUT OUR SKILLS ARE WHAT QUAGMIRE CALLS THE BOMB GIGGITY" 1. "WE RHYME AS ONE!" 2. "THAT'S TRIPLE THE FUN!" 3. "BUT LET'S NOT JUMP THE GUN!" 1. "BECAUSE WE ARE FAR FROM DONE." """WE ARE THE CONJOINED THREE, BUT OUR SOULS ARE FREE! WE TROLL THESE HALLS IN SEARCH OF THEE!""" "We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an Orange" 1. "Ugh" 2. "Err..." 3. "Door henge?" "YOU SAY YOU'RE RHYMING TRIPLETS, BUT FROM WHAT I SEEN YOU SING BUT A CHIME. OPEN UP EARS AND LISTEN-" You point at the three with a finger that could stop a train dead in it's tracks. "YOU ARE SMALL-TIME" 1. "AH!" 2. "AAAAAHHHH!" 3. "Fuck" You walk past the three defeated triplets, now in tears of their loss. "DAMN, IT FILLS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER-" !? You look behind you.

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THE TRIPLETS ARE CHARGING YOU WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND BULLET TRAINS. And at that very moment... A door opens from the side, and a man wearing glasses steps out. "OH HEY, ARE YOU THE NEW GUY-" THE TRIPLETS SMASH INTO THE HARRY POTTER LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER. "UGH!" 1. "Who was that?" 2. "How should I know?" 3. "Hold up, glasses and a scarf..." !? 1. "It couldn't be..." 2. "It shouldn't be..." 3. "IMPOSSIBLY" The man stands up from the mighty fall, his glasses cracked. "WHICH ONE OF YOU DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS JUST BROKE MY SHIT?" """KENJI, THE DOUCHEBAG!""" "I AM NOT A DOUCHEBAG", Kenji yells while looking around the hallway for the traps. ...Must be blind or atleast hallway. """BOOK IT BEFORE HE FILLS YOUR BAG WITH DOUCHE!""", the triplets yell before exiting. You stand there for a good minute, letting everything sink in. ... .... .....

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"On any other day, that would've been considered weird", you conclude. Well, nothing you can do about it now. "WAIT!", Kenji beckons you while adjusting his glasses. "You got 15 seconds, make your introduction awesome or I am completely cutting you off" "I HAVE A SHINY GEODUDE" "...You may stay" And just like that, you became best friends with a half blind misogynist, who smelled like urine and booze mixed together. Man, you need better friends. "What's your name?", Kenji asks while following the sound of your voice. "Hisao Necktie, Destroyer of Cunts" "WELL MET, MY COMRADE AGAINST THE FEMALE AGENDA" "Right, female conspiracy talk, I'm leaving" "WAIT WAIT, I'M KENJI-" "The Douchebag, I heard them" "I AM NOT A DOUCHEBAG" "You're right, anyone with a Shiny Geodude can't be a bad person" "I STOLE IT FROM A KID IN A IRON LUNG" "I'll catch you another time, Kenji", you get the fuck out of there. You finally find your room. Inside, your things are already arranged neatly and psychotically. You know your mother was here. ...And all the porn from your pornography safe is gone..

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...You know your father was here. But it matters not, because it's been a long day. And with all long days comes a period of unwindingYou hear a knock on your door... "UGH...", you answer it reluctantly. ...It's Kenji. "HEY MAN, CAN I BORROW FIVE BUCKS" "No" "Oh... Alright..." You close the door and return to unpacking your leftover effects. ...Someone's knocking on the door again... You open it up to find Kenji. "HEY MAN, YOU GOT CALL OF DUTY 4? CAN I BORROW IT?" "NO", you slam the door in his face. You remember you asked your mother to tape the latest House M.D. episode... And the tape seems to be in your belongings. "HUGH LAWLRIE, DON'T FAIL ME NOW-", you pop in the video cassette because apparently your parents still live in the 20th century. The TV starts up. ... ..... "FLINTSTONES MEET THE FLINTSTONES, THEY'RE A MODERN STONE AGE FAMILY", the TV blares. ....... You silently fill up with rage.

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*Knock Knock* "HEY, IT'S KENJI AGAIN, CAN I BORROW YOUR SINK?" You punch the TV. Day 2: "FUCK YES, I AM GONNA GET LAID TODAY, I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES... OR SHOULD I SAY.. BONER", you Dohohoho at your own horrible joke. You open the window to air out your room. ... Say... Door's ARE overrated. ...It doesn't look like much of a drop... "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY", you believe you can touch the sky. You jump out of your window and roll on the ground like an acrobat. "FUCK YEAH, I THINK I JUST BROKE MY PENIS", you explain the pain. ... You don't wanna do anything strenuous today... That one red haired chick with no arms seemed cool. ...And her breasts are reasonably large. Come to think of it, what was she doing in that room? Drugs? Fuck, now you're curious. ... ..... You enter the school, trying to recall where that room was on the off chance that she's there

451

again. "STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! WAHAHA!", you hear the last voice you wanted to here for a long time. "IT'S THAT GODDAMNED DRILL HAIRED BITCH" "AND GUESS WHAT? I'M A HALL MONITOR!", she bursts in front of you wearing a Hall Monitor sash. "Who's dick did you have to suck?" "Shiichan's!" "Shizune has a dick?" "NOT.... That I know about...?", Misha goes into a deep thinking state. "Unless you're here to suck mine, your business is done, STALKER" "Why aren't you in class, Hiichan?" "Because you touch yourself at night" "ONLY TO MAKE SURE THE BED BUGS AREN'T GETTING ME!" "Thinking of you feeling every inch of your body intrigues me, tell me more" "No, Wahaha!" "Cockblocker", you walk past MishaBUT SHE STOPS YOU WITH ONE HAND. "WHAT THE FUCK" "You're going to class, mister!" FUCK! YOU CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS! YOU'RE DETERMINED TO GO TO THE FUCKING MOON WITH RIN. ! AN OPENING! "WAKATAKATAKA", you yell gibberish.

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In a flash, you have your hands are Misha's breasts. "Eh? Hiichan-" "THE NAME'S HISAO GODDAMN IT" You squeeze as hard as you can. "OW OW OW!", she yells. "HONK HONK" "TH-THIS IS SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!" "I'LL JUST SAY YOU PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND PLANT A POUND OF WEED IN YOUR CLOSET" "W-WHAT! NO! THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT! I'VE WATCHED CSI!", Misha begins to panic to herself. ... You book it. That was a close one. The Supply Room. It would be frustrating if wasn't there after all that... ...You open the door slowly... ... Rin's sitting in the same window, eating what looks like breakfast. "Hisao.", she greets you. "Rin.", you retort. You walk into the room and lock the door. "Huh? Something wrong?", Rin watches you. "If someone comes by, I'm not here, got it?", you explain to Rin.

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"Sounds like you've had a fun day", Rin looks away. "Everyday's a fun day" "So... Do you do drugs... or what?", you ask Rin honestly. She looks at you, apathetically. "Yes", she bluntly spells out. "HOLY SHIT, FOR REAL?" "Yeah" "What do you take/smoke?" "This...", she picks out a unlabeled bottle out of her backpack nearby... with her foot. "What's that?" "The drug that makes you dream" "..." "..." "...So what, ecstasy?" "Kinda" You begin to feel a small bit uncomfortable around drugs... "You want some?", she looks at you with newly developed excitement. "Man, you sure love to peer my pressure" "You asked, didn't you?", Rin's starting to show emotions for some reason. ... You take a pill out of the bottle... And chug it. "ACK, bad aftertaste" "Y-You can drink this", Rin hands you a canteen hanging on her toes.

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"And this is...?" "Vodka" "Russian Piss Water? Really?" "It's either this or that aftertaste" "Whatever" You take a sip of the Vodka... ...IT BURNS YOUR FUCKING THROAT! Ugh... You're a lightweight. "GUH! What the hell was in that?" "A small bit of this.. A small bit of that.." Rin changes the subject. "So what's your disability? Is it in your pants?", she asks out of the blue. "Uh... No, it's my heart." "Good, just making sure" "What? Why?" "Because I spiked the Vodka" ... "You what?" !? UGH! YOUR KNEES GIVE OUT! "W-WHY CAN'T I FUCKING STAND!?" ...

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Your head... You feel... Dizzy... ...You wake up a couple minutes later... "Uh man, that was a weird dream...", you brush it off as a joke... ...But you can't get up. "...Oh fuck" ? You can't even feel your mouth saying that? !? YOUR CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING!? W-What the hell did that bitch give you? ... You managed to pick your head up and look around.. !! RIN!? SHE'S... AT YOU CROTCH...? !? SHE'S PLAYING WITH YOU PENIS WITH HER TONGUE! "Hmm? You're awake?" "DAMN RIGHT, I'M FUCKING AWAKE. WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?" "Hisao, are you a virgin?"

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"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS" "Good" "GOOD WHAT?" "That stuff that's circulating in your system, nulls your body. Makes you feel... nothingness" "Nothingness...?", you slowly see what she's saying. "Boy, you look funny right now, Mr. Destroyer of Cunts.", Rin smiles for the first time you've seen. "That's because you're playing with my cock" "Wanna know why?" "Don't need to, I'm the main character, all girls want my penis" "Right you are, but there's another reason all together", Rin explains as she wiggles out of her pants. "I guess I'm not in any position to not ask what that is?", you start thinking without your emotions. "I am going to take your virginity, Hisao" "I'd rather you wouldn't, I'm saving it for the girl I love" "And that is...?" "No one yet, which is why I'm pleading you not to take it" "But I am going to take it", Rin smirks, "And the best part about it, you're not gonna feel a thing" THAT FUCKING BITCH! "Why are you doing this?" "Because I can't masturbate very well, which leads to some built up sexual energy" Rin unbuttons your shirt with her mouth, and then bites into your nipple. ...You can't even feel that.

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"Ah... I haven't taken anything in hours, I'll be able to feel everything", Rin says with a still apathetic look in her eyes. "So what?" "I haven't even really started yet, and I'm already wet.." "Yeah, they said that would happen in Sex Ed" "Hehehehehe", Rin giggles softly. ...It sounds surprisingly fitting for her. Rin stops for a moment then sits on the floor. ...She taking off her panties with her feet. On any other moment, you'd be amazed. Rin stands over you, her vagina in clear view. "What's my pussy look like from down there, Hisao? I hardly ever get a good look at it" "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH", you scream as you try to move your body. "I wouldn't suggest doing that, Hisao, it'll only give you a mighty strong headache" "I AM NOT LOSING MY VIRGINITY LIKE THIS!" You sweat excessively while you try to force your body to work. "STOP IT!", Rin yells at you. "WHAT IS IT?" "IT'S WHAT YOU STOP!" "YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME, RIN, NEVER!" With that, you manage to jump to your feet and stand in front of the would-be rapist. "Looks like you'll need something stronger" "Hmph, or perhaps the drugs haven't fully taken effect yet", she concludes.

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"Rin, are you really that troubled?" "More than you imagine" "Well, I think I have a solution to your problem while I still retain my V Card" "Oh?", Rin replies with a cocked head. You walk closer to Rin... ...And shove your dick between her thighs. "Eh?" "Move your hips" "So what, I'm just gonna use you as a fuckstick?" "If you want" "If I wanted to do this, I could've used a table", Rin whines as she grinds against your dick. "Ahhh..." "Helping?" "Yes..." "Rin" "Hisao" "Wanna be friends?" "After all that, that's your ploy?" "I'm not very sane" "You say that as though anyone is" "What do you say?", you ask while you quicken your pace, rubbing the top of your Justice Stick against her unmentionable. "Ah!.... Friends?" "With benefits"

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"Sounds like a marketing scheme..." "Aren't all relationships?" "Alright, Hisao Necktie, if you make me cum, I will be your friend with benefits" "You say that as though it's gonna be a challenge!", you push Rin onto the table. ? You begin rubbing the underside of your Hammer of Justice against her, teasing the fuck out of her. "Gah!", she convulses. "What? Finished already? DAUGHTER, I AM DISAPPOINT", you say as you left your cock away, juices dripping from it. "Heh, don't it? Stick it in" "Think it's gonna be that easy? Woman, you're gonna have to earn my virginity" The two of you laugh, awkwardly, but laughter none the less. The drugs completely wore off a couple hours later, while you spent time with Rin. [Rin status D] = [Rin status C]! You retire back to your room for the night. You're gonna sleep this off like a baaaaad hangover. End of Day 2.

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Broyonetta
OH GOD OH GOD, THE MOON'S GONNA CRASH INTO THE PLANET ANY SECOND AND YOU HAVEN'T AWAKENED THE FOUR GIANTSWait no, wrong game. It's the beginning of the third day of attending a cripple school for cripple kids because your heart is racist against life. Could be worse. Could actually be ATTENDING the classes. God, you fucking love sleeping in during cold weather*Knock Knock* Someone's knock knock knocking at your door. You try to ignore it. *Knock Knock* *Knock Knock* "KENJI, IF THAT'S YOU, I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK", you yell at the door. ... ..... "YEAH, IT'S ME", Kenji answers behind the door. You get up in a sloppy fashion and walk towards to your door. You open it. "HEY MAN, CAN I BORROW 20 BUCKS-" You punch Kenji in the dick. "OOF" Then close the door.

461

"HISAO'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW, LEAVE A MESSAGE TO SOMEONE WHO GIVES A SHIT" Day's off to a bad start, and those drugs you did with Rin yesterday are still making you feel lousy. ...Perhaps you'll skip taking your morning medication. You've... Got the munchies. And you don't want any old burger. You want a WHITE CASTLES BURGER. Those square delicious burgers that melt in your mouth with each steam rising bite. ...But you don't have a car or a license... ...RIN! She got you into this mood, she better damn well get you off"HAHAHA" Get you off... ... ..... You reach the Supply Room. ....The door is locked...? WHERE THE FUCK IS RIN? DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T YOU HAVE NICE THINGS? You say "FUCK IT" and walk outside? Something's strange about the nearby parking lot...

462

...Where's the Principles car? "HEY HISAO!", you hear a ominous voice to your left. ... Rin's driving the Head's car with her mouth... "YOU'RE A CARJACKER? IS THAT WHAT CRIPPLED PEOPLE DO TO MAKE MONEY?" Rin does a 360 then parks next to you. "Wanna go for a spin, Hisao?", Rin replies with a smirk. "WOULD I!" "Well, hop on in" "No, I was being rhetorical, there's no way I'm becoming your accessory", you conclude. "...I'll take you to White Castles...", Rin says out of the blue. "...Why White Castles?" "Huh? I just thought of a random restaurant" "NO FUCKING WAY" "Yes fucking way?" "NO. DON'T YOU SEE, THIS IS FATE!", you conclude. "I don't really see how the two are interconnected" "THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING US TO GO TO WHITE CASTLES!" "Whatever floats your boat, you gonna hop in or am I gonna have to haul all this cocaine to the Colombian Drug Lords alone?" "...Say what?", you ask as you climb into the front. "Nothing, buckle up" Rin punches it to the floor and the two of you take off on a grand adventure. ...It's been an hour..

463

"SO WHERE'S THE NEAREST WHITE CASTLES?" "Iunno" "...'Scuse me?" "Haven't a clue, I thought you'd have some idea" "BEFORE THIS WEEK I BARELY LEFT MY FUCKING HOUSE" "...Well, I'm not stop and asking for directions" "Why not?" "We can't stop here" "Why?" "This is Bat Country" You calm yourself down and look through the car for a map. ...You come across a blowup doll... "Principle-sama, you sad, sad man" "What's that you found back there?", Rin asks in a curious but still apathetic voice. "Blow-up doll" "Blow it up" "Huh?" "I found some mayonnaise up front here, trust me on this, I'm an artist" The two of you blow up the doll then fill each orifice with mayonnaise. "What now?", you ask. "...Let's find a post office" Upon finding the office, you slip the doll into the 'Out of Town' slot then book it. "Boy, that is gonna ruin some poor guy's day"

464

"That guy being the principle" "Why do you say that?" "I found and left the receipt inside the doll", Rin concludes. The car stops in front of a huge white mansion. "...So, what are we doing here?", you ask nonchalantly. "If I'm not back in fifteen minutes, come in, guns blazing", Rin asks while walking around and opening the trunk. "I don't like where this is going, Rin" "Relax, having a weapon in your hand will make you feel better" Rin foots you a hand grenade. "..." "..." "Rin, where'd you get a Hand Grenade?" "I don't know" You were out of it... but now you're starting to sober up. "What a minute, were you serious about dealing drugs with Colombian's?" "No, I'm just going inside to do my laundry", Rin explains while she shows you the contents of the briefcase she dug out in the back. ... "Then why did you give me a Hand Grenade?" "You looked worried" "Do you give bombs to everyone you meet with a frown?" "That a trick question?" "What part about that felt like a ruse?"

465

"The ladder" "The ladder of what?" "Funky Town" "Just.. Just hurry the fuck up, I want to go to White Castles" "Oh, keep my panties on Hisao", Rin mutters to herself as she walks away. .... Come to think of it, why is she doing her laundry here? ...She was just jacking you off, wasn't she? Thirty minutes go by... ...There's a gun in the glove compartment... Something's wrong, she's taking too long. ...You take the pistol and grenade then exit the car. !? THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE BUSHES! "YIFF YIFF YAFF!", the thing screams. You begin to fill up with a unmeasurable amount of fury and anger. Your blood begins to boil. There is but one thing that can cause you to become so dis-tasted. "FURRIES...!", you scream out while grinding your teeth. "YIFF?", the approaching man in a bunny fur-suit mutters his last word. "RAAAAAAAAAHHHHH", you yell as you unload your clip into the Heretic. The bullets rip into the man as he falls to the ground and bleeds to death. "FURRRRRRRIIIIIIIEEEEEESSSSS!", you scream while you charge the compound entrance.

466

A man in a fox outfit while wearing a black suit tries to stop you... ...But you break his neck in two. You kick open the Mansion door. ... Rin's sitting in a chair gagged with dead bodies all around her... ...They appear to be Colombians... "DOING YOUR FUCKING LAUNDRY MY ASS", you walk towards her. "WAAAAHHHTTTTTAAAAHHHH!", you hear multiple voices. A myriad of furfags appear around you, carrying guns and blunt objects. ....And one of them has a chainsaw... "YOU BEST TURN TAIL AND FLEE, MY FINE FEATHERED FRIEND", a catfaggot impersonates Sebastian the cat. "HERETICS, THY SINS SHALL BE CLEANSED IN FIRE!", you roar out. You brandish the Grenade, so it is certain every furfag can see it. "WHOA WHOA WHOA, LET'S NOT DO ANYTHING HASTY, DOC", a bunnyfag impersonates Bug Bunny. "NO, NO MORE OF THIS FAGGOTRY" You walk towards Rin and untie her. "Hisao, wait, this isn't what you think it is-", Rin tries to stop you. "THIS FUCK IT ISN'T", you say while you toss the grenade and pick up Rin. The two of you book it out of there while the place explodes behind you. ...Furries begin to run out on fire... "HAHAHA, BURN. BURN!", you laugh, still mad with rage. "Hisao..."

467

"No need to thank me, you would've done the same for me-" "That was a costume party" "-Afterall, we're friends- Wait, what?" "Those weren't furries, it was a Loony Toons centered Costume Party" ... "Well, fuck" "Oh well, I still got my 12 grand from those Colombians" "Why were you tied up and gagged with dead people around you?" "They were playing dead, we were playing Real Life Clue" "...And you just left me outside in the car?" "Yeah, I guess" ... "You're just fucking with me right now, aren't you?" "Yeah, I am" "Those were furries, weren't they?" "They were also black" "...Why does that factor into anything?" "It doesn't, I was gauging your reaction" "Why are we having this conversation at the scene of a mass murder?", you ask with a sudden realization. "Being caught up in the moment turns me on" "Being caught by the police turns me OFF" "So? Drive." "I don't know how to drive"

468

"Well, me neither" ... "You... have to be fucking kidding me" "Just learned today" !? THE COPS ARE COMING! "GOD... DAMMIT!", you yell while throwing Rin into the passenger seat then starting the car. TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON ROAD...You turn on the windshield wipers... "Hahaha, Hisao" "The fuck is wrong with you?" "I'll be honest, just took a whole lot of drugs", Rin confesses. ! THE COPS ARE HERE! YOU TRY OUT EVERY POSSIBLE THING... ...THEN TAKE OFF! GOOD GOD, DRIVING IS SCARY AS FUCK. "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT" "Better drive faster Hisao, I think those cops are following you", Rin points out. "SHUT UP" "Hisao, you need to calm down and start thinking about things logically" "I CAN'T" "Not a problem, I'll help"

469

Rin suddenly places her head on your lap. "NAHNEE!?" "Try not to crash, would you?", Rin speaks while unzipping your pants with her teeth. "RIN... NO...." "Hisao... Yes..." "STOP THE CAR, THIS IS THE POLICE", the 5-0 shouts out on their megaphone. "WHY COULDN'T WE JUST GO TO FUCKING WHITE CASTLES!?" "Mmm... Hmmph?", Rin talks with her mouth full. Rin places her warm lips on the head of your cock. "AH!", you scream like a girl. "LAST WARNING, WE'LL START OPEN FIRING IF YOU DON'T COME TO A COMPLETE STOP", the cops yell out. "AHHHHH! WHAT DO I DO!" "RIN, HOLD OOOOOONNNN" She bites down. "AH! NOT LIKE THAT, NOT LIKE THAT!" You speed up, and steer off the street and into fences. "I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING", you think out loud. "Mmmmhhmmhmmmm", Rin tries to talk while sucking your Hammer of Justice. You smash through a house then cut through a street... ....And straight into a Mall. THE THEME TO BLUES BROTHERS BEGINS PLAYING. "OUT OF THE WAY... CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!", you yell while driving through the mall.

470

"GOOD LORD, IS THAT MAN GETTING HIS DICK SUCKED!", a man yells out. "WHY I NEVER!", a woman speaks out. "THINK OF THE CHILDREN, YOU PERVERT!", a couple yells while you zoom on by. "REALLY? EVERYONE'S OFFENDED ABOUT MY DICK BEING SUCKED AND NOT BY THE SPEEDING FUCKING CAR DRIVING THROUGH A PUBLIC MALL?" You make your own exit from the establishment and straight in the parking lot. A sign goes by... *SIGN CONSTRUCTION, KEEP CLEAR* ... Uh oh. You spot a Billboard being kept up by a couple pieces of wood... ...It looks like a ramp from your point of view. "WHAT LUCK- WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY? THIS IS A BAD BAD IDEA FILLED WITH FAILURE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT-" Rin interrupts your logical thinking by sucking harder. "GAH! RIN, STOP" "Mmmm...No" ...Fuck, you got sidetracked... Oh right, the billboard... IS COMING RIGHT UP AND YOU CAN'T STOP OR TURN! "RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN", you yell while the car catches air time. "WOOOOOHHHOOOOOOO!", Rin yells in excitement. ...You're having fellatio done on you while you drive a stolen vehicle away from cops catching air time. ... On any other day, this might've seemed weird.

471

""AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"", you both scream as you land into a forest. YOU SMASH THROUGH THE TREES THEN CONTINUE TO SMASH THROUGH THE WOODS. "RIN, WILL YOU STOP SUCKING MY DICK!?" "Not until you ejaculate" "I'M NOT CUMMING" "Why not?" "BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE" "...Then why is your penis so hard?" "SPUR OF THE MOMENT-" You finally slow down... Deep breathe in.. ...And out... Deep breathe in... ...And OUT-!? YOU'RE APPROACHING A FUCKING CLIFF!? "WHAT DO I DO!?" "The brakes" "WHERE!?" "That one..." ... "Rin, I can't see where you're pointing- I CAN'T EVEN SEE WHAT YOU'RE POINTING" Rin presses her chin against your shaft and uses your dick as a arrow. YOU BRAKE. HARD.

472

"FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK", you yell while you skid. You barely stop in front of the ascent. "..." "..." "...Hisao" ".....What, Rin?" "You came" "DAMMIT RIN", you hit yourself on the forehead. ... ...Rin begins to suck you off... "W-What are you doing?" "Cleaning up" WHOOOOOOA SHE'S SUCKING THE SPERM OUT OF YOUR COCK"WAIT. NO. I'M STILL FUCKING ANGRY WITH YOU" "Hisao" "WHAT" "How's your heart?" "IT'S..." ... ? "It's actually... alright?" "Just as planned", Rin smirks with a soaked chin.

473

"Just as... planned?" "Want me to spell it out?" "Please do" "I thought all these extreme shenanigans might be able to strength your heart" "...You what?" "It worked? Didn't it?" "That's not how my heart condition works, you moron" "Oh... Well, I thought I'd try" "Well, what if my heart gave out on me?" "I'd call 911" "With your toes?" "Something like that" "What about the cops?" "As long as it'd save your life, I'd gladly turn myself in and tell them I made you accompany me" "...", you contemplate it all. Despite Rin's massive fuck-ups, you've managed to 'cum' out OK. ....She did this for you? She did this for you. Huh. "And look, Hisao", Rin moves your now limp cock over to the direction she wants you to look. ... !?

474

"A WHITE CASTLES!?" Out of the glorious golden trees, sits the peek of the fast food establishment. "And you thought I forgot", Rin peers your way. "Rin" "Hisao?" "Hold still..." "Huh?" You rip off your shirt then wipe Rin's dirty mouth off. "Hisao...?" "Can't have you coming into White Castles with me with your face covered in Jizz" "Y-You want me to eat with you?", Rin starts to blush, which really actually suits. "FUCK YEAH I DO, I BET MY COCK LEFT A BAD AFTERTASTE" "Not really..." "Rin" "Hisao" "Lets go eat some fucking White Castles" "....OK" The two of you ramp off the cliff and land into the White Castles parking lot. That took skill. The two of you enter the restaurant messy. "Uh.. Welcome to White Castles?", the guy at the counter greets you. After ordering, you find a nice cozy booth in the back and sit down!?

475

Instead of sitting adjacent to you, Rin sits beside you. Huh. "Rin, is this the first time you've had White Castles?" She nods. "FUCK YES, LETS CHOW DOWN THEN" The two of you enjoy the delicious mouth watering goodness of White Castle burgers and fries. "HMMMM... THIS IS SO GOOD", you're almost at tears. "Uh... Hisao?" "What?" "Alittle bit of help" ...? OH! She can't hold onto the White Castles burgers... You take one and hold it out in front of her. "CHOW DOWN" "Nom nom nom nom nom", Rin takes a chomp. ...Rin turns red. "T-This... is..." "YES...?" "Good." "GOOD?" "Adequate" "...Works for me-"

476

Before you could finish that line... NEIL PATRICK HARRIS BURSTS THROUGH THE WHITE CASTLES WINDOW RIDING A UNICORN. "HOLY SHIT, NPH!?" "Hi" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "I don't know" !? YOU NOTICE THE COPS ARE OUTSIDE, INSPECTING THE CAR! "OH SHIT...", you duck. NPH looks your way. "Something the matter?" "As long as they don't find us, no" "...Looks like they're impounding your car.." "FUCK" "...You... Need a ride?", Neil asks. You look back at Rin then back at Neil Patrick Harris. "FUCK YES WE DO" "This is... what I was sent here to do" "What?" "Like the universe intended for me to ride this Unicorn into this White Castles at this very moment... It's like... Fate" "...Where did you find the Unicorn?" "Made it"

477

"That... Why doesn't that surprise me?" "Because", he slips on sunglasses, "I'm Neil Patrick fucking Harris, and I will do anything for some poon" The three of you ride back to the Cripple School grounds on NPH's Unicorn. "SWEET, THANKS FOR THE RIDE NEIL" "Not a problem, you settle down now", he starts to ride off. "Wait" "Yes?" "Where are you going?" "Wherever god takes me" And with that, Neil Patrick Harris rides off into the night.

478

Bros before Bows

You finally reach your bedroom after the day's shenanigans are over and done with. Fun day. Little time to go to the bathroom. Have to pee like a walrus. You walk inside your bathroom and go about your business, "HHHHHHEEEERRRRMMMMMPPPPPPHHHH", you grunt as loud as you can while you urinate. Your eyes begin to wander... ? There's a package waiting for you in the middle of your floor? ... There's holes in it... Ah, a note. "DEAR HISAO, SAW THIS AND THOUGHT OF YOU. SINCERELY, YOUR MOM", you read outloud while continuing about your business. Knowing your mother, who's clinically insane, you dread to think what she brought you. ... You aim your pee-stream at the box. "CHECKING FOR SPIES", you yell. !? The box moved? ...Fuck, now you're curious. *You press your ear towards the box and listen*

479

...You hear movement. "DID MOM GET ME A MOTHERFUCKING GREMLIN?", you imagine how awesome it'd be to have your own Gizmo and accidentally start up a chain reaction where he shot more Gremlins out of himself with your pee, resulting in a mass attack in this School full of Cripple People which would be fucking awesome to witness. "...Meow...", the box calls out. Or it could be a fucking cat. Sure, that makes more sense. You open it up"Meow...?" There's a cute fucking calico cat inside... "Hey there, little guy", you dig him out. He's reasonably thin, with silky fur, and... !? HE HAS NO TAIL? "Aw... Poor guy, is your tail a PS3?", you ask him face to face. "Reow", he answers you. Huh. His eyes are different colors. What's that called? Hetero something... Heterochromia? "You're a Heterofag, kitty kat" "Meow!", he agreesNo wait. You take a closer look.

480

...It's a she. "HOW THE FUCK DOES A TAILLESS CAT AND ME RELATED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM?", you question your parent's stupidity. "Reow Meow", the cat answers. "THAT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE, CAT-SENSEI" "...Meow" "HOLY SHIT, OJ REALLY DID DO IT?" Hold on... She doesn't appear to have a name? Well, we could remedy that. "YOU DON'T HAVE A TAIL, SO I'M GONNA CALL YOU TAILS" "...Meow...", the feline community frowns upon your shenanigans. Can you even have cats in this place? More than likely not. Oh well, if the cops ask, you were robbed and raped in front of the cat so you kept him as a witness. It's full proof. Who knows, maybe if you take care of her she'll reward you by transforming into a 10 percent cat girl girl then give you a blowjob. ...Wait no, cat tongues and human penises don't mix. "Meow", Tails looks up at you. "What is it?" "Meow", she walks over by the window then looks outside. "You wanna go outside?" "...", she looks at you then continues to stare out the window.

481

You open the window and let her outside, then close it. "AW MAN, I HAVEN'T JACKED OFF ALL DAY. I'LL COME A FUCKING BUS-" "Meow", the cat meows at you through the glass. "...You want back inside?" "Meow!" "...", you open the window and let her back in. She then sits next to the window and looks back at you. "Meow?" "NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND" Hours later... "...Zzzzz....", you sleep soundly. "Purrrrrr....", the cat jumps up on your bed and begins to show affection. "....", you wake up half-way through the sudden intrusion. "PURRRRRRRR....", the cat's getting louder.. "It's twelve o'clock, go to bed, Garfield-" The cat walks in front of your face...and then lays on it. "..." "...Purrrrrrr...." "...God... dammit" The only bright side to this, you got pussy shoved in your face. Well, you can't go to sleep now. What should you do? The cat walks over your crotch then proceeds to sink her claws in, massaging her new play thing.

482

"AH! GET THIS PUSSY OFF MY COCK!", you yell. After a quick push, you run to your door in your boxers and white shirt then close it from behind. "HAHAHA, YOU'RE TRAPPED IN THEIR, AND I'M OUT... here...?", you suddenly understand your own stupidity. The temperature is even lower at night... Also people die when they are killed. Anyway, point being, IT'S COOOOOLLLLDDD. "FUCK THIS", you reach the knob*click* ... "TAILS, DID YOU JUST FUCKING LOCK ME OUT?" "Meow", you hear behind the door. "YOU... BITCH!", you try frantically to get back inside. ....It's not budging. FUCK. "OK... OK... Where should I go... Where should I-" You realize something. Rin doesn't seem like the type of person who sleeps normal hours. "RIN!", you yell while you run down the hallways and outside into the blistering cold. ... The School doors are locked... Hmmmmm... You know for a fact that the door on the rooftop isn't locked anymore.

483

"I SHOULD BE ABLE TO CLIMB A SCHOOL, I'VE PLAYED OCARINA OF TIME. ALL I GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR ARE THOSE DAMNED SKULLTULAS" You begin to climb up the wall, carelessly, but still making headway. Your fingers begin to freeze, but you use your unlimited rage to keep yourself warmed up. "RAAAAAAHHHH, FUCK YOU, STREET FIGHTER TURTLING PRICKS", you recall your last few games. !? *CHEWSH CHEWSH CHEWSH CHEWSH* ... You equip the Eye of Truth. "AHA, SO THERE IS A SECRET ROOM HIDDEN INSIDE THE WALL" A Skulltula is inside, and it's watching you move... "FUCK, WHY CAN'T I EQUIP MY FUCKING SLINGSHOT" You ignore the minor pain and reach the rooftop. "FUCK YES, HOW'D I MANAGE THAT WITH A DISEASED HEART?" You walk over towards the Rooftop entrance... ...It's locked.

484

Suck My Balls
This thread has nothing to do with previous threads. I just made it because the other KS threads were being deleted by a douche. SO THERE YOU WERE ONE VAGUE AFTERNOON, MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS, RELAXING ALL COOL, SHOOTING SOME B-BALL OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. When suddenly... "GOOD LORD, THAT CRIPPLED MAN IS DEAD!", you hear off in the distance. "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR HISAO NECKTIE, C.D.", you remark. "Don'tcha mean P.I.?", Kenji asks while handling the Basketball. "NIGGA. I AIN'T NO PUSSY ASS PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, GIVE ME THAT FUCKING BALL", you try to steal Kenji's ball. "PISS OFF, I LOVE PLAYING WITH BALLS" "..." "Why do you even want the ball? Thought you said you were gonna go investigate that murder" "I CAN DO BOTH", you yell as you take the ball and dribble it over to the crime scene. The police seemed to arrive just as you enter. "Sir, this a restricted area", the cop tells you to step off. "FUCK OFF, STRING BEANS" "Sir, I'll have to ask you to remain calm" "I AM CALM" "Then why are you yelling?" "IT'S HOW I TALK YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH" You get as close as possible and take a good look at the victim. "AGE, 17. WEIGHT, 115 POUNDS. JUNK IN THE TRUNK? AFFIRMATIVE. LOOKS LIKE VICTIM WAS CHOKED TO DEATH. NOT ENOUGH TIME TO GET OFF UNFORTUNATELY", you observe.

485

"How would you like it if someone came by and started acting like a douchebag at the scene of your death?", the cop kindly asks. "IRRELEVANT. I CAN'T DIE. KILLING ME WOULD ONLY PISS ME OFF" "Get out of here or I'll arrest you for obstructing justice" "WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF JUSTICE?" "I AM A FRIEND OF JUSTICE, SIR", the cop makes a Kamen Rider pose while staring you down. "...I'll go then", you leave. You walk back to Kenji. "YO MAN, HOW'D IT GO?" "HOW DID WHAT GO? I FUCKING KNEW IT, YOU'RE THE KILLER!" "What? I was with you the entire time" "EXACTLY, THE PERFECT CRIME" "You're crazy, man" "THAT'S WHAT MY EX-WIFE KEEPS TELLING ME" "You don't... have a ex, man" "KENJI, WE'RE GOING ON A MURDER SOLVING MISSION" "FUCK YEAH, I'LL GO GRAB MY GUN" "Gun?" "Yeah, a pistol" "SCOOBY DOO NEVER NEEDED NO GUN TO GET SHIT DONE, ONLY SCOOBY SNACKS" "...Should I go get Scooby snacks?" "FUCK YEAH YOU SHOULD"

486

"YO, KENJI, I THOUGHT I SAW SOMEONE SHADOWY GO INTO THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM" ".....The girls locker room, a den... no HARBOR OF EVIL" "OF EVIL!? JESUS CHRIST" "We must proceed with caution" The two of you kick open the Girls Locker Room doors and barrel roll inside. The room is currently occupied. """EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK"""", the girls yell. "LADIES, DON'T FRET. I'M HERE TO HELP" "Goddamn it Hisao, you do this EVERY DAY!", one of the girls yell out. "YES. Yes. Well, there has been a... Erm... Kenji, would you like to handle this?" Kenji steps forward. "SOMEONE OUTSIDE IS DEEEEEEEAAAADDDDD" """"DEAD!?"""", the girls sound distressed. "DEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDD", you point out. "So... Why would you come in here?", a girl in the background asks. "...BECAUSE I LOVE SEEING YOUR TITTIES BOUNCE" """"!?"""", the girls begin to pick up objects and preparing to throw them at you. "FUCK, WAIT, I MEANT, THE KILLER COULD'VE BEEN ONE OF YOU" "Start talking", one of the front chicks with one titty bigger than the other blurts out. We'll call her "Biggy Smalls" "THE KILLER HAD A SCAR JUST ABOVE HER PUSSY, I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO INSPECT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR PRIVATE AREAS WITH UTMOST CARE" "Um... OK?", one girl in the back blurts out. The women drop their skirts, bloomers, and panties. "WHOA, HOLY SHIT", everything went better than expected.

487

"HISAO", Kenji snaps you out of it. "HUH? WHAT MAN?" "BE CAREFUL... VAGINA'S ARE POISONOUS" "...OK, Kenji" "RIGHT, YOU HAVE BETTER VISION THAN ME, SO I'LL JUST WAIT OUTSIDE", Kenji exits. ... ..... "Well?", the girl nearest to you looks at you annoyed. "UH... RIGHT" You kneel down and take a good long look at her pussy. "....." "....?" "....I WONDER IF THE BACK END OF MY FLASHLIGHT CAN FIT IN THERE" "Am I free to go?" "WAIT WAIT WAIT", you take out a camera, "IN CASE I MISS ANYTHING" "W-WHAT!? I-I can't let you do that, Hisao!", the girl with no hand yell out. "DO YOU WANT ME TO ARREST YOU FOR OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE?" "But you're not a cop-" "NO, YOU MISHEARD ME, I MEANT STAY PUT AND LET ME TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR VAGINA" "...Or?" "OR WHAT?" "No threat or anything like that?"

488

"ALRIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS. STAY STILL SO I CAN TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR VAGINA... PLEASE" "Exactly how does this further the investigation or help anyone?" "I'M BATMAN" You leave with a pocket full of dirty pictures and good memories. "GET ANYTHING USEFUL, MAN?", Kenji asks you as you walk outside. "UH.... NO. NO.", you tuck the pictures away. "FUCK NUGGETS, what do we do now?" ... !? You notice something on the ground. ...IT'S A BLACK MAN! "A WILD BLACK MAN APPEARS!", you yell out. "PUT THE GUN DOWN!", you yell out at the sleeping black guy while taking out your backup gun. "...Huh?" "PUT THE FUCKING GUN DOWN OR I WILL PUMP YOU SO FULL OF LEAD YOU'LL BE SHITTING DIAMONDS" "W-W-WHOA! I DON'T HAVE A GUN MAN" "LAST WARNING, MOTHER FUCKER" "PLEASE MAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ME LIKE THIS-!" You and Kenji unload clip after clip into the black guy. .... "...Hisao?" "Yo"

489

"Why did we just shoot that black guy?" "BECAUSE OF THIS!", you walk over towards the black guy and throw a bag of cocaine on the ground. "..." "..." "WORKS FOR ME" "BULLY! LET'S GO CELEBRATE WITH A CHICKEN SANDWICH OLD CHAP" You and Kenji cross arms and happily skip off to Mcdonalds. ...The black guy slowly bled to death and in his last moments... ....Snorted the cocaine. "STOP RIGHT THERE, HISAO NECKTIE!" !? A crazed bitch holding a gun walks out in front of you and Kenji. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU" "PRETTY SMART FINDING OUT I HAD A BIRTHMARK ABOUT MY VAGINA", the killer yells out. "WAIT WHAT?" "AND FOILING MY BLACK ASSASSIN? I UNDERESTIMATED YOU", the Killer explains. ... You and Kenji take a look at each other. "R-right" "RIGHT! THAT'S WHY WE.." "Did those..." "...Things"

490

"WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW! YOU'RE BOTH DEAD!" "WAIT! Before you pull that trigger, tell me, why'd you do it?", you ask. "WHY!? BECAUSE HE WAS BOYFRIEND AND I FOUND OUT HE WAS CHEATING ON ME-" "Wait, 'he'? I was investigating that woman who was choked to death" "OH! ...Oh.... Wow...", she lowers her gun. "Man, this is awkward" "Uh..." "What do we... do here?", Kenji asks. "YOUR CLIT HAS AN APPOINTMENT WILL MY GUN!", you yell out as you pull out your pistol. "HA! JUST TRY IT! I'VE BEEN TRAINED IN THE ANCIENT ARTS OF-' You shoot her in the crotch before she finishes that sentence. "AH!", she screams as she curls over in pain. "Lets call the boys in blue", you say in your best Jim Carrey impersonation. "...The Blue Man Group?" "No. The cops" "Oh. Aren't cops more black or heavy navy though?" "Well yeah, but 'The boys in black/navy' don't sound quite as easy to say" "But that phrase is misleading" "Only to idiots" "Fuck you, Hisao" "You wanna dance, motherfucker?", you whip out your pistol. "ANY TIME", Kenji pulls out his gun as well. "..."

491

"..." YOU SHOOT EACH OTHER. "AH! FUCK! WHY'D WE DO THAT!?", you yell as you clinch the bullet hole in your arm. "JESUS OW, THAT HURTS. WHY COULDN'T WE JUST HIT EACH OTHER" "BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY" "PUSSY ENOUGH TO PUT A BULLET THROUGH YOU" "YOU WANNA ROCK, BITCH!?", you yell out. ... You shoot each other again. "OW JESUS CHRIST, WE NEED TO STOP DOING THAT" "FUCK, JUST... JUST CALL 911" "...I don't have a phone", Kenji states. "..." "..." The two of you limp your way to the police station. You and Kenji enter the building, bleeding. "GOOD GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?", the guy at the desk observes loudly. "WE'VE BROUGHT YOU A MURDERER, YOU UNGRATEFUL PRICK", you snark. "...The guy next to you?" "WHAT? NO. WE'RE BROS" "AND BROS SHOOT EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME", Kenji adds. "WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS... BITCH..." ...

492

..... You forgot to bring the murderer. "FUCK!" "FUCKING FUCK!" "HOLY SHIT, WE ARE TERRIBLE AT THIS" Luckily, the police found her not too far away, snorting cocaine she claimed to have found on the ground. You and Kenji return to the School Grounds, in casts. "JESUS CHRIST, ALL THAT MUSCLE TISSUE AND VEINS CAUSING PERMANENT DAMAGE TO ANY NORMAL PERSON, WE'RE GONNA BE STUCK HEALING AN ENTIRE AFTERNOON AWAY" "DAMN, IT FEELS GOOD BEING FICTIONAL" "Not as good as your mothers sweet ass" "...THE FUCK YOU SAY, NECKTIE?" "WHAT! WHAT! YOU WANNA GO?" "DAMN RIGHT I WANNA GO" "Well, where to?" "...What?" "I forgot what we were talking about" The two of you depart on awkward terms. You finally make it to your dorm room. ... You still didn't catch the real killer... ...MAYBE HE/SHE'S IN THERE WAITING TO AMBUSH YOU!

493

...YOU HEAR SOUNDS COMING FROM INSIDE YOUR ROOM! "NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH", you pull out a gun from your cast and kick open your door. You begin pouring round after round into the room. ... ...It was a surprise birthday party planned for you. "H-H-Happy birthday!?", your dad holds his hands up in surrender as he emerges from the back. "OH YOU GUYS" Unknown to Hisao, the killer actually was outside his room waiting... ...Until one of his stray bullets caught him in the head. "So... How was your day, hun?", your mother breaks the silence with a simple question. "It was..." You pull out sunglasses from nowhere. "Full of Holes" End.

494

Cause everyone else is doing one and I just wanna be popular

You wake up several moments later. You're on top of the rooftop, it's cold, your nipples are erect, your balls are the size of cashews. But your determination for wanting to fuck overcomes all this. Wait no. It doesn't. You fade back into black. ... You wake up again. It's morning already. What the fuck are you doing on the rooftop of the school? You really need to stop snorting Tic Tacs. !? There's a figure hovering over you, blocking out the sunlight. "Hisao", you recognize that apathetic tone as your eyes adjust. "RIN", you yell as you jump up and squeeze her tits. "...Uh" "This is how I begin my days" "Oh" You let go of Rin's boobies and engage her in conversation. ... Wait no, you're terrible at conversations.

495

"SO... HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?", you ask while trying to think of something to say. "Woke up" "HOLY SHIT, FUCKING AWESOME" "Waking up?" "Uh... Yeah?" "I guess?" ... This is going badly. "FUNNY STORY ABOUT HOW I ended up here... In my boxers... with my morning wood..", you slowly access your situation out loud. "Sounds like you've had a rough night", Rin apathetically feels sorry for you. "I DON'T HAVE ROUGH NIGHTS, ROUGH NIGHTS HAVE ME", you stand up with your erection fully emerging. "...", Rin stares blankly at your shenanigans then peers downwards at your crotch. ... A breeze rolls in. "HISAO! RIN!", you hear an oddly annoying voice coming from the rooftop entrance. It's Emi. And she's running her way towards you... ...Then stops. "What are you guys... doing?", she asks with a cocked eye. "Saving America obviously", you snark out. Emi smiles half-way then looks where Rin is peering.

496

"OHO! HISAO, NICE BONER. BOINGYOINGYOING", Emi gives you a thumbs up. "WHY THE FUCK ARE THE TWO OF YOU SO USED TO COCKS?", you yell out loud. "Erections are a sign of good health, that's why!", Emi replies casually. "...And you?", you look over towards Rin. "Oh, I just like seeing penises", Rin concludes. "THIS IS ONE FUCKED UP WAY TO START A MORNING" "Not really, I mean, this could totally turn into a thee-way", Emi puts on a mischievous smile. "HOLY SHIT, REALLY!?" "Nope", Emi concludes. "YOU BITCH!" "YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE A THREE-WAY?" "Pretty sure, yeah!", Emi replies while sticking her tongue out. "Then I see I have no choice", you explain calmly as you slowly pull down your boxers. You take a step in front of them, bare-ass naked. "Whoa", Rin remarks. "AYYYYYYEEEEEEEE", Emi screams out. "TO RID THIS LAND OF EVIL", you strike a pose. ""?"", they look at each other then back at you. "I WILL BECOME A HAMMER", you begin to charge them, "OF JUSTICE!" "EEEEK! RUN RIN RUN!", Emi jumps up and starts to run. "Huh?", Rin sits there dumbfounded. YOU GRAB HOLD OF RIN AND PULL HER DOWN TO THE GROUND.

497

"LOOKS LIKE I HAVE REACH", you rip open Rin's blouse, "AND YOU HAVE FLEXIBILITY" "You're confusing me Hisao, what exactly are you doing right now?" "SIMPLE, I'M TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES. THIS IS NOW A NUDE ROOF" "I would've done that if you just asked", Rin looks away. "What? You don't want the guy that makes you wet undressing you?" "...I don't recall ever saying anything of that sort" "BITCH, YOU DRUGGED ME AND TRIED TO RAPE ME" "I do that all the time" "It's true, she even did that to me!", Emi points out from a distance. "EMI, GET THE FUCK BACK OVER HERE" "I AM NOT GETTING NAKED!" "IF I HAVE TO CHASE YOU THROUGHOUT THE SCHOOL, I FUCKING WILL" "That would be pretty amusing, actually", Rin calmly adds. "FINE! B-BUT YOU HAVE TO LOOK AWAY WHILE I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES", Emi yells back. "WHAT? WHY? WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY" "DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCEPTION OF THE FEMALE MINDSET?" "SURE I DO, SUNSHINE'S AND KITTENS RIGHT?" "JUST LOOK AWAY!" "FINE, GOD DAMN", you pretend to cover your eyes. Emi reluctantly and slowly takes off her skirt. White panties. White is a good color for her.

498

"Virgin white, I knew it" "Hisao, would you mind getting off me now? Your erection is poking me in the stomache", Rin asks. "...No", you reply while not taking your eyes off Semi Emi's strip show. Emi unbuttons her top and slips it off, catching it with her foot thing and kicking it over to the side. "T-THIS GOOD ENOUGH!?", Emi shouts back to you. "YOU STILL HAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR ON" "I-I-I AM NOT TAKING THIS OFF" "Emi, would you please just take it off so Hisao will get off me?", Rin pleads. Emi looks back at you with a serious/pain stricken face. She slowly unconnects the back of her bra and begins to slip her arms through!? She's noticed you're looking at her doing this. ...But she continues to take off her bra. .....If it can even be called that. Why would such a flat chested girl need a bra? Shit just doesn't make sense, yo'. "NOW THE PANTIES", you instruct Emi. Emi grabs hold of the sides of her underwear and quickly push them down. She shields her tits and womanhood with her hands. You get off Rin, walk over towards Emi, and chest bump her. "Eh?" "FUCK YEAH, NAKED CHEST BUMP"

499

"Um... Fuck yeah!", Emi starts to get her positive attitude back. "But goddamn, you're flat" She slaps you, hard. You sit on the ground, Indian style, Rin gets up and does the same. Emi stands there, face redder than a strawberry. "So... What are you guys doing up here?", you break the silence. "Eating.." "Eating Lunch", Rin blurts out. "Lunch, yeah that", Emi continues. "Well, I got something you could eat right now, AND it's high in potassium" The voice in your head tells you to shut up. The Renegade interrupt option appears on your screen. ...You push it. Hisao suddenly takes out a gun and points it at Emi. "YOU ARE A FLAT CHESTED WHORE AND I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL" "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET A GUN!?", Emi asks. "DOES IT FUCKING MATTER? I'M FUCKING ROBBING YOU NOW. REACH FOR THE SKY, HONKY" Emi reluctantly reaches for the sky. ...You pull the trigger.... And water shoots out. "W-Wha?", Emi looks flustered. "HAHA, I JUST WANTED TO GET YOU NICE AND WET", you blurt out as you cover Emi and

500

Rin's naked bodies in water. "....That just raises further questions!" "Rin" "Hisao?" "Remember when you wanted to take my virginity without me feeling it?" "I don't know, I can't remember most of the Nineties" "Remember when I said I didn't wanna lose me virginity to someone I didn't like?" "Something along those lines" "Well, I still don't like you that much. But I'll be damned if I'll pass up this chance to lose my first time in a three-way" "W-What!? Hisao, I don't wanna have sex! I DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX!", Emi yells out in dismay. "You don't have to, just stand there and watch", Rin blurts out. "FUCK YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK" You pick up Rin and place her on your lap. "ARE YOU TURNED THE FUCK ON?", you ask TyRinnosaurus Rex. "Yeah, I'm good to go" Rin begins to rock her hips, moving her womanhood against your Hammer of Justice. "Don't come too early now, Hisao, I want this in me", Rin casually explains. "Alright... Just... Just go easy on me, I don't know how this is gonna feel-" Rin positions her Pussy over the head of your cock and slowly pushes downward. "Whoa...", Emi's standing by, watching silently, "So that's where Cock goes..." "Hnnggg...", You control yourself as this warm and moist feeling engulfs your manlyhood. "...AH!", Rin yells out as she pushes you inside.

501

"GAH! RIN! LET UP, LET UP!", you try to explain the pressure being felt on the sides of your cock. ...Rin's out of it. "Rin?", you try to snap her back to reality. She's completely blank right now. "Did she... Already come?", Emi whispers. "HOW DO I KNOW WHEN A GIRL CUMS? DAMMIT, I'M NOT GODZILLA", you yell at Emi. "H-How should I know?" "HMPH....", you smack your hands together, "DAMMIT! WHAT WOULD BATMAN DO?" "HEY EMI!", you look her way. "Y-Yes?" "GRAB A PIECE OF THE ACTION!" "No, thank you. I'm not... I don't wanna..." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCK ME, JUST HELP ME OUT" "How!?" "USE YOUR TONGUE, LICK HER AND LICK ME" "I-I AM NOT LICKING RIN'S VAGINA!" "FINE, THEN LICK THE SHAFT OF MY COCK" "I DON'T WANNA DO THAT EITHER! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL CATCH!" ... "CATCH!? YOU THINK I HAVE ANY FUCKING STD'S?" "...Not you Hisao..." "..."

502

"..." "...FUCK!", you take your dick out of Rin. "...", Rin's still unresponsive. "Haha! I'm just kidding, Hisao!", Emi laughs at your sudden shock. "..." "HAHA, FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION JOKES. THAT'S NOT WATER I SPRAYED YOU WITH", you remark while playing with Rin's tits. "..." Emi's face turns into something horrified. "AAAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!", Emi starts to run around, water sprinkling everywhere. You set Rin aside carefully, and get up with your dick raging. Emi finally runs out of steam and pauses for a moment. ...You walk behind her and shove your Justice Stick between her thighs. "H-huh?", Emi looks downwards at the sudden intrusion. "Look Emi! You have a penis!", you remark. "AH! HISAO! STOP IT! STOP IT!", Emi frantically tries to free herself. ...But you hold onto her and keep her in place. You move your dick further between Emi's thighs. She gets even more scared. ...But you calm her down by hugging her from the back. "You know, I've always secretly liked you, Emi", you whisper into her ear. "Huh...?", Emi begins to melt between your arms. Now that you think about it, Emi's body feels soft...

503

Feels good man. "Emi...", you begin to kiss her neck. "Stop..." "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL", you yell out randomly. "E-EH!?" You begin to prod Emi's virgin pussy with your dirty dick. "THIS WILL HURT YOU, SHEPARD" "NO! NO! NOOOOO!" You slowly stick the head of your penis into Emi's crevice. Tears are beginning to form. "This isn't... how I wanted to...", Emi begins to cry softly. You take hold of Emi's chin and twist her head toward you. ...You kiss Emi. Slowly, you break into Emi's unguarded ladyhood. "AH!", she screams inside your mouth. "You were already pretty wet, huh? Emi, you're such a pervert" "S-Shut up!" You can feel the blood starting to drip down your shaft. ....Feels bad, man. "Ugwaaaahhhh....", Rin suddenly comes to and gets up. "HEY RIN, YOU STILL ON NAMEK?", you ask her as you turn slightly towards her. "Dammit, Hisao", Rin looks at you with the fury of a thousand suns.

504

"H-Hey, she was just standing here and I just couldn't control it-" "You started without me...", Rin interrupts your thought. The Armless one walks towards you and french kisses you. ...You smooch Rin as you take Emi's virginity... Just as planned. "Emi, how're you holding up?", Rin asks out of curiosity. "IT HURTS! IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS!", she frantically yells about. "Now that's just rude, all that lude talk and you're acting sensibly. Haven't you ever watched a porno? Or Durarara?" "W-What does that last thing have to-" "ROAR OUT LOUDER!", you scream as you shove the entirety of your being inside Emi. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!" "I'll make this easier on both of you", Rin blurts out apathetically. Rin kneels down and begins to give your connected love a tongue bathe. "RIN STOP!", Emi yells out, still not wanting another woman doing that to her. "OH GOD, I'M GONNA CUM", you yell out. "You gonna do it inside or on me?", Rin asks honestly. You quicken your pace. "AH! AH! AH! AH!", Emi moans out painfully. Her pussy is really starting to make lude sounds. "RIN... RIN... OPEN YOUR MOUTH!", you instruct the armless red head. "Like this?", Rin opens her mouth and sticks her tongue out like she's rehearsed this. "HISAO! HISAO! I'M... CUM... I'M", Emi digs her nails into you.

505

"ARGH, WHAT THE FUCK" Your dick slips out just in time. "RIN, PUT YOUR MOUTH ON IT!" "Ah... Alright", Rin places her warm lips on the head of your heated up fuckstick. The semen begins pouring out. You're literally cumming buckets. "MMMPH!", Rin sucks up some of it but your dick flies out of her mouth and begins to shoot all around her naked body. You let go of Emi, who flops to the ground unconscious. Lude juices begin to flow out of her pussy. You fall to the ground back-first, your dick still standing up somewhat. .... !? Rin's standing over you? "Rin, aren't you-" "Shut up Hisao, I wanna use you while you're still partially erect", she explains while she positions herself over you. Rin slowly immerses herself with your semen soaked dick and begins to rock her hips around. "Ah... Your dick is so warm right now..." "WELL YEAH, IT'S COVERED WITH A FEW HUNDRED THOUSAND OF MY UNBORN MANLYNESS" "I know... I might get pregnant" ... !

506

"THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF! GET OFF!" "AH!", Rin begins to convulse. "...Rin?" She falls on top of you, unconscious yet again. Christ, she doesn't last very long. You feel your dick slowly return to it's original power level, and also feels some sperm leaking out of Rin's pussy. You, Rin, and Emi remain together on top of the roof, laying together. Emi's fast asleep, hugging onto your right side. She's so cute when she's cuddling, her breasts don't feel quite as flat as they look. ...Rin's to your left, her eyes wide open. She motions herself against you in a weird sort of way. "AH!" "Hmm.. What?", she asks while tripping balls. "What are you doing?" "I'm hugging you", Rin explains while putting on her puppy dog eyes. "HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG" You lose consciousness. The End [Rin Status B] - [Rin Status A] [Emi Status D] - [Emi Status B]

507

Valentines Day
The snow falls silently outside as you stand in the middle of the courtyard alone. Valentines Day. The worst day of the year for single men. Truth be told, you wouldn't care so much about it if people didn't make relationships seem so appealing on this day. That's fine though, you're a lone wolf. The only person you need is yours truly. .....Or atleast that's what you keep telling yourself. "Gah, I'm being depressing", you tell yourself. You shrug it off. There's people who have it worse than you, there must be. You came out here for a walk, that sometimes helps you coup with things beyond your control, and at night no less, you hate dealing with people anyway. ... ? Something caught the corner of your eye. "Huh?" That wasn't snow. That was... water? That'd seem perfectly reasonable if it wasn't a dozen or so below freezing point. Could be a leak or something melting the ice or something... But your gut tells you something else entirely. "My mind's full of fuck, what exactly are you telling to tell me?", you ask yourself.

508

? There's a noise coming from somewhere. You thought it was just the wind being a cunt, but when you listen closely, it sounds like someone's... crying? ... That's never a good thing. ! It dawns on you. You look up? There's something on the roof of the school? ... !? "HANAKO?" You kick open the school doors and run inside. "HANAKO!", you yell out as you make your way throughout the pitch black hallways. DAMMIT! WHERE THE FUCK ARE THOSE STAIRS? GAH. YOU RUN SO HARD YOUR LEGS ARE BEGINNING TO BURN. SHE WAS ON THE EDGE OF THE ROOFTOP, CRYING? THAT'S NOT A GOOD COMBINATION, THAT'S NOT A GOOD COMBINATION AT ALL! "HANAKO!", you yell out again.

509

You hope to God it's not too lateHNNNNGGG YOUR HEART... FUCK IT! YOU CHARGE ON THROUGH THE PAIN UNTIL YOU FINALLY REACH THE ROOFTOP ENTRANCE. You ram the door open and fall face down on the ground. "GOD... DAMMIT! GODDAMMIT GODDAMMIT!" ... She's still there, looking down as if she hasn't noticed you. "HANAKO!", you try to get her attention. She apathetically looks your way then back towards ground floor of the School. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" She replies without even looking back at you. "I'm jumping" "THAT'S THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING YOU'VE EVER SAID", you tell her while attempting to get back on your feet. "Shut up, Hisao" "NO", you make your way towards her. She holds one foot over the edge, signaling you to stop. ....You cautiously and slowly continue while trying to distract her. "The fuck's wrong with you? Why do you wanna kill yourself?", you ask plainly. "You know why", she calmly rebuttals. "Haven't a fucking clue, couldn't hurt to give me some clues", you keep her talking.

510

"Hisao, if you keep inching your way towards me..." "IGNORE ME, JUST TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS" "...You ARE the problem" "...", you calmly assess the situation. "Look, if I hurt your feelings in some way, I apologize. Just... step away from the side" "You don't even have the vaguest clue, do you?" "Look, Hanako, what would Lilly say if she saw you pulling this bullshit?" "Nothing that can't be forgotten" "Now you're just being selfish" "L-Look who's talking!", she snaps to. "What about me? How do you think I'd feel if you lopped off the side of this building and became a Pancake? You're like a sister to me-", you stop yourself. "A SISTER!? THAT'S ALL I EVER AM TO YOU, ISN'T IT?", she starts to slowly enrage. "...A crazy step-sister who wants to kill herself?", you make things worse with your stupidity. "You just... don't get it, do you?" "Get it? I get it. You like me. It's quite obvious." "...", Hanako goes silent for a moment. "Hanako, it's never gonna happen. We're friends. We can be friends with benefits if you want, but that's where it ends" "...You hate me, don't you?" "Hate you? Why would I hate you? You're the sweetest crispy girl in the world" You climb over the fence surrounding the outside of the rooftop. "Come on", you raise your hand forward, "I'm here for you", you shoot out a corny line

511

because you know for a fact that bitches love corny lines. She lowers her head at your responses. "Y-You know... This is fine." "Hanako?" "I don't mind you being the last thing I see" Hanako throws herself backwards off the rooftop. "NOT FUCKING HAPPENING", you leap into action. You've given yourself just enough room to leap for Hanako. "RAAAAAAW!", you grab hold of Hanako. You pull her in, slowly. "..." "...Hisao" "..." "Hisao, let me go" "..." "HISAO!", Hanako digs her nails into you. "..." "LET.. LET ME GO!", Hanako tries frantically to loosen your grip. "You say that as though I'm giving you a choice" You grab hold of Hanako and kick back through the fence. The two of you go flying towards the middle of the rooftop... You don't loosen your grip. ... Hanako sinks her teeth into your hand.

512

"AH!", you yelp out. Damn it, her teeth feel sharper then knives. "YOU SELFISH BASTARD", she scream while chewing into your hand flesh. "..." "DON'T YOU GET IT?", she starts on about something you couldn't care less about. "I WANT TO DIE, I NEED TO DIE" "No, you don't" "H-HISAO, I WAS RAPED, I GOT MY FACE FRIED LIKE A BISCUIT, EVERYONE TREATS ME LIKE I'M TRASH, BECAUSE I AM!" "...You getting raped is news to me" "M-My... Father..." "Ah." "Everyone ignores me, nobody loves me, everything I do is worthless", Hanako begins to cry. "Hanako", you take her face in your hands. "H-Hisao...?", she looks at you, vulnerable. "None of that stuff matters anymore" "...W-Why?" You stern your face up, and prepare the most important and meaningful words up from your meager subconscious. "Because... I had Reeses for Breakfast" "CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!?", Hanako yells out. "NO! NOT CANDY! REESES PUFF CEREAL", you explain while pulling out a box of Reeses Puffs.

513

"H-HISAO!?" "IT'S LIKE DELICIOUS CANDY IN EVERY BITE!" "R-REALLY?" "IT'S CHALK FULL OF CHOCOLATE" "C-CHOCOLATE!?" "DO YOU... WANT SOME?" "HISAO, G-GIMME THE CHOCOLATE!" You open up the box then pour it over her. "NOM NOM NOM, THIS SHIT IS THE BOMB!", Hanako approves. "REESES PUFF CEREAL, PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST" "Seriously though, I was raped" "Who isn't, nowadays?" "Y-You're insensitive!" "Hanako", you hand her a bowl full of Reeses Puffs. "Hisao..." "Happy Valentines Day" The two of you proceed to pour milk and Reeses Puffs all over each other and fuck throughout the night. Hanako came 7 times. Unfortunately, Rin died of Breast Cancer two months later. The End.

514

Bromando
*ALWAYS I WANNA BE WITH YOOOOOU* Your cell phone goes off. ... Wait. You don't have a cell phone. ...You answer it regardless. "H-Hello?" "NEO, I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE MATRIX", you hear a familiar voice from the other side. "MORPHEUS? WHOOOOOOA" "IT'S-AH ME HIICHAN, MISHA!", Misha replies in her moronic tone. "Did you throw this phone into my room?" "Hiichan, you're late for STUDENT COUNCIL! Wahaha" "I didn't sign up for Student Council" "Student Council!" "Yes, Student Council" "Come on! You're late!" "I'd rather just sleep in right now" "I'll suck your diiiick~" "I'll be right there" "This phone will SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS!" "What? No it won't" ...

515

But it's best not to take chances. You lob the phone out the window. "DRILL GIRL BLOW JOB, WOO WOO WOO!", you yell as you burst out of your room and head into the school. !? There's a person you've never seen before exiting the school entrance. It's a woman in a black suit. "WHAT? WOMEN DON'T WEAR BUSINESS SUITS, YOU MUST BE A FUCKING BEAR IN DISGUISE" She casually walks past you, ignoring you to the best of her ability. ... So you latch onto her butt. "AH!", she screams in surprise. "I'M RUBBING YOU BUTT", you announce as you rub her butt. "W-WHY ARE YOU RUBBING MY BUTT?" "I'M... I'M RUBBING YOUR BUTT" "STOP IT" "I'M RUBBING... NOW I'M FINGERING YOUR GINA" She shoots a cold stare into your soul. "Alright, I'm done touching your ass... For now" "You'll be hearing from my lawyers" "Bullshit, I'm retarded, I can do whatever I want", you lie, knowing she wouldn't be able to do anything. "HMMPH!", she storms off.

516

She totally wants you. "Hisao? Is that you?", you hear Lilly's voice coming from inside the school. "Please. Call me Necktie. DUH NAH NAH NAH" "I see you've met my sister, Akira", Lilly walks out into the light... ...She's wearing... some sort of fancy dress. "GOOD GOD, YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE", you blurt out. "And just how would you know what a whore looks like?", Lilly reflects your insult. "SIMPLE, I JUST MET YOUR SISTER" "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING, LILLY-KUN-SAN-SENPAI-SAMA-BANAWANA BO BANA?" "It's... My sister gave me this dress as a present. She does those kind of things from time to time. I'd like to return the favor, someday", she stares off into the distance dramatically. "NO WONDER YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE" "Please, stop it" "I'm just messing with you, your sister would look like a whore in it, you UNWHORIFY it" "Umm... I'm not sure how I should take that comment" "Anal, preferably" "Oh behave" "YEAH BABY, YEAH" "Hold on, it's...", Lilly feels the watch on her hand, "8:30 in the morning, you're never up this early" "I was promised a blowjob" "I should've known" "It can wait, I prefer talking to you"

517

"O-Oh" "Talking to you is better than a blowjob" "That's... Sweet, in your eccentric fashion", Lilly makes a worried face. ? You notice a Daddy-Long Legs slowing creeping towards Lilly. "Watch out for the Spider, Lilly, it's coming right at you" "W-WHAT!? W-W-W-WHERE!? HISAO! HELP ME!", Lilly begins panicking, which is SO out of her character... You step on it, using that as an excuse to move closer to Lilly. HMMMM... SHE SMELLS LIKE STRAWBERRY POP-TARTS. "I am so gonna use this" "Hisao, I warn you, this is TABOO" Cut off End (Thread died).

518

The Cripple Girl Dojo

"HEY EVERYONE, CHECK IT OUT, I FOUND A GUN", you yell as you rummage through Misha's vagina. "WHY IS THERE A GUN IN MY VAGOO? WAHAHA", Misha spouts out in surprise. The room around you swells with numerous students and faculty staff, all watching you molest Misha. "WAIT, WHY AM I EVEN LOOKING INSIDE YOUR VAGINA-" You wake up. "Ooooooooh" Another weird start to another weird morning. Weird's a word you'd use to describe this whole situation, which you will explain with a flashback. *Flashback* "Hisao Necktie?", the doctor asks as he enters the hospital room. "YEAH, THAT'S ME" "You have cancer, in the heart" "WELL FUCK ME SIDEWAYS" "I'm afraid you're going to have to go to a cripple person school for cripples, because I get twenty dollars for referring someone" "I'D RATHER JUST GO ON A MURDERING RAMPAGE AND KILL AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN ENDING IN A EPIC SHOOTOUT WITH THE POLICE" "Or you could get head from a girl with no tongue" "..." "Just saying" *Flashback back to your room* ...Is that really what happened?

519

Oh well, it can't be helped. Because at this rate*DING DONG* "WHAT THE FUCK, I DON'T HAVE A DOOR BELL" "IT'S ME ASSHOLE, YOUR BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE" "JESUS!?" "KENJI" "SORRY, I'M NOT HOME. WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE?" "MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU WANNA GO SURFING?" "NO" "LET ME REPHRASE THAT, YOU WANNA GO SURFING... WITH CHAINSAWS!?" "..."

You get up and toss a jar of peanut butter out of your window. ...You're not quite sure why. Then again, you don't know what that jar of peanut butter could've been or done. He could've wiped out an entire platoon of soldiers in Vietnam and sold their organs to fund 911. Or there could've been an ant on the jar's top. Either way, you just struck a poor cripple kid outside with one leg, causing him to fall on the sidewalk and soil himself. There's nothing funny about that. ... OK, maybe it's a little hilarious.

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"ALRIGHT, LET'S GO SURFING YOU BLIND DICKNOSE" "STOP CALLING ME A DICKNOSE, DICKNOSE", Kenji yells back. After an hour or so of finding misplaced swimming trunks and hot-wiring the principle's car, you begin your journey to the beach. "Hold up, how the fuck are you gonna surf if you're legally blind?" "I LIVE MY LIFE THE SAME WAY I SEE THE WORLD" "..." "...What?" "Aren't you gonna add some sort of funny end to the end of that sentence?" "No" "Why not?" "Because, I just realized I'm driving the car" Quickly you realize Kenji's driving the car. "I have total faith in your ability to navigate a automobile" "I don't" Kenji veers off the road and plows into a 7/11. "FUCK FUCK, QUICK, GRAB ALL THE CONDOMS AND LOTTERY TICKETS YOU CAN AND BOOK IT!", you yell out as you scramble. "What about the surf boards?" "TAKE THEM WITH US" The two of you make your way to the beach, after driving a car into a convenience store. You stop. "What about the Chainsaws?"

521

"Oh, I'm having them airdropped", Kenji adds. "You're having Chainsaws airdropped onto a beach?" "It sounded funnier in my head, now it just sounds stupid and completely unsafe" "That's just unpractical" "Who needs practicality when you have Chainsaws?" Finally, you arrive at the beach. The two of you stop mid-way in the sand. Velociraptors. Those fuckers are always on the beach, bullying people and hopping on little kids sandcastles. "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU LOSSSSSSSSERSSSSS DOING ON OUR BEACH", the leader of the gang comes up and shows his teeth to the two of you. "EVERYONE'S SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT YOU LIZARD FUCKS, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SURFING DUEL", you yell at the Velociraptor beach bullies. "BRING IT ON, PUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSY" "YOU ABOUT TO GET YOUR SHIT KNOCKED, YOU SCALY DICKNOSE", you flip off the Dinosaur. After a few minutes of prep time, you become Batman and paddle yourself on a surfboard out into the ocean, awaiting the next huge wave. The Velociraptor paddles out there without a surfboard. "HEY, WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE'S YOUR BOARD!?" "WHO NEEDSSSSSSSSSSS A BOARD?", he remarks. A Shark emerges around the Velociraptor's feet. "You're using a shark as a surfboard?" "YESSSSSSSS"

522

"IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU USE AN ENTIRE WHALE BITCH, YOU'RE GOING DOWN" A Tsunami the size of New York begins to emerge behind you. The current picks you and the leader of the Raptor bullies up. "YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH", you yell as you shred through the wave. What does this have to do with Cripple girls? It doesn't have anything to do with Cripple girls. But goddamn is it awesome*BLAM* "WHAT THE FUCK!?", an explosion fills the water behind you... ! THE VELOCIRAPTOR HAS A BAZOOKA. "I NEVER SSSSSSSAID I WOULD PLAY FAIR, DIPSHIT", the raptor yells as he reloads his rocket launcher. "HOLY SHIT, A VELOCIRAPTOR RIDING A SHARK SHOOTING ROCKETS AT ME, THAT'S THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK" "YOU'VE GOT TWO OPTIONSSSSSSSSS, EITHER I SSSSSSHOOT YOU WITH A ROCKET, OR YOU JUMP OFF YOU SSSSSSSSURFBOARD AND DECLARE ME THE BADDEST ASSSSSSSSSSS EVER TO LIVE" "I WILL DO NEITHER" "EH?" The Chainsaws Kenji ordered to be airdropped suddenly appear in sight. You shred over to catch the Chainsaw as it lands, and rev it up. "LETS ROCK, MOTHERFUCKER" The Raptor lets loose his next rocket, but you shred underneath it, dodging it while continueing to rev your Chainsaw.

523

"NO!". the raptor yells as you close in. "IT'S TIME", you flip on your sunglasses out of nowhere, "TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT!" You jam the chainsaw into the Velociraptor, chopping him in half and landing into the shark he's using for a surfboard. The two of them explode from the sheer amount of absurd awesomeness. "FREEEEEEEE BIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRDDDDD", you yell as you ride the tide into town. "HEY DICKNOSE!", Kenji appears to your side, riding a surfboard as well. "THINK WE'LL RIDE THIS TIDE RIGHT INTO THE SCHOOL?" "ACTUALLY, I'M RIDING THIS WAVE INTO THE FEMINIST CONVENTION GOING ON IN THE LOCAL LIBRARY" "OH!", you high five Kenji as the two of you shred a Tsunami.

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The Cripple Girl Musical

There once was a town called Cripplesville, and in it was a crippled person school. A school, you say? Any time of the day. The institute was inexplicably cool. The School was special, for it catered to the needy. People without limbs, disabled at birth, no sight, no sound, some caused just by being greedy. And in it, was a man named Hisao. Who was declared the 'Destroyer of Cunts'. Destroyer of Cunts, you say? Any time of the day! He's admired by every one of the runts. What's his body lack? Not a broken arm, blindness, or because he was black, but he's attending because his heart was inexplicably racist. Racist, you say? ANY TIME OF THE DAY! If there's one thing so say, he's a damn good romanticist. HE HNNNNG'S AT CUTE GIRLS, THEIR LOOKS COULD KILL! PRETTY LIKE PEARLS, HE MUST TAKE HIS HEART PILL! NECKTIE'S HIS NAME, BUT HE'S NOT TO BLAME, FOR KICKING SO MUCH ASS IT HURTS. MAYBE YOU SUCK, OR YOU JUST RUN OUT OF LUCK, BECAUSE HE MAKES EVERYONE FEEL LIKE THEY'RE WEARIN' SKIRTS. You wake up finally, the song of your life plays soundly. "SOUNDLY I SAY? ANY TIME OF THE DAY-", you stop as you realize you're singing out loud. Oh dear, you appear to be having hallucinations... The world are you is shifting, the walls look more vibrant, the sky looks clear, the sun

525

shining though. This is so gay. ...But it sure is a Spahdoinkcal day. Cut Off End.

526

Espanbrol
MEANWHILE, IN A CRIPPLE PERSON SCHOOL IN JAPAN... "I AM HISAO NECKTIE, DESTROYER OF CUNTS", you yell out loud in a library. "H-Hisao?", Hanako looks up at you suddenly, laying down the book she was reading on her beanbag. "SORRY, Sorry, there's two flies buzzing around my ears trying to start shit" "It's never a d-dull with you around" "Are you coming onto me?" Hanako closes her book and faces you with an semi-annoyed face. "I know where this is heading, stop it" "COME ON NOW, IT'S BEEN ALMOST LIKE A YEAR, LET'S JUST FUCK LIKE HORNY MONKEYS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW" "T-There's kids... all around us" "BE LIKE PERFORMING IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE" "The answer is NO" "DAMMIT WOMAN, DO YOU WANT MY CHOCOLATE OR NOT!?" Hanako turns away from you and opens her book back up, flipping back to the page she was viewing. "FINE. I'LL FIND MY OWN BURNED SCARRED WAIFU, WITH BLACKJACK, AND HOOKERS", you yell as you storm out. You walk past the student council room on your way out the school... ? Only Misha appears to be inside? "HEY CUNTDRILLS, WHERE'S SHIZUNE?", you yell inside the room. "SHE'S SICK! WAHAhaha...", Misha looks down, saddened.

527

"AWWWWW, YOU RONERY?" "Yeah..." "I'LL BE A GENTLEMAN AND KEEP YOU COMPANY, I ASSURE YOU THIS WILL NOT END IN SEXUAL CONGRESS" "That's alright, I wouldn't mind if it did!", Misha gives you a thumbs up. "GOOD, THEN IGNORE THAT LAST SENTENCE AND STRIP BUTT NAKED" "But aren't you dating Hana-banana?" "FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT" "WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE", you stop and look at Misha. ... That's not Misha, that's a goddamn Bear wearing Misha's hair. "RRRRRROOEEEEERRRRWWWW", the Bear speaks Latino. "FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!", you yell as you tear off your shirt and charge the bear. You grab hold of the Bear's shoulders and bring him down to the ground, you use the momentum to pick up the Bear and pile drive him through the floor. The Bear wrestles you down to the ground, after a good minute of wrestling, you realize you're fighting a fucking bear. "OH DEAR" The Bear mauls you and leaves you a bloody unidentifiable mess. You died like a punk bitch, you didn't go out like a G. Bad End.

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Now with 90% more fart jokes

"Hisao! Hisao! Wahaha!", an increasingly annoying voice begins to catch up with you as you relinquish the nearby Water Fountain of it's watery cocaine. You turn around, and are greeted by a very pissed off looking Shizune and the pink haired bimbo know as Misha. Though you prefer to call her Steve, because she looks like a Steve. "We finally caught up with you, Wahaha!", Misha blurts out as her Drills begin spinning in excitement. "I wasn't aware I was being followed", you seriously question your lapse in security. "...!", Shizune signs to Misha with her middle finger still raised. "I won't stop until you've joined Student Council!", Misha translates as she break-dances. "Join it if you give me a smooch, and I'm not talking on the cheek" "....!!!" "I'd rather ride a train of dicks up Misha's ass- W-Wait, what?", Misha stops midway. "Well then, if there's no further business, ladies, I'm going to go conquer the couch in the dorm room, disguise myself as the couch, and wait for unsuspecting girls to sit down on my well covered erection" "That sounds like a well thought out plan, Hiichan!", Misha gives you a pinky's up instead of a thumbs up. "You're... You're suppose to use your thumbs to do that", you attempt to correct her. "But if I use my thumbs then I might squash you!?", Misha explains in a completely serious and unnerving tone. You ditch the bitches and pimp strut your way outside. The sunlight blares through your retina's, causing momentary blindness followed by blue overtone and a raging erection. Ah, what a bright a beautiful Summer day, and to think, you could die at any moment at any given time without warning.

529

Still begs the question of what's on today's schedule... SUDDENLY, A GRIZZLY BEAR LANDS IN FRONT OF YOU ON A MOTORCYCLE. A BEAR! GOOD GOD! Confused, you ask the Bear his name. "Beary", he replies casually. The Goddamn Bear gets off his Harley and casually murders his way towards you. GOOD GOD! HIS CLAWS ARE STINKY AND FILTHY. THIS BEAR HAS NO SENSE OF HYGIENE! "I CHALLENGE YOU TO HOPSCOTCH!", the Bear decrees as he takes out a piece of chalk. "...", you take a moment to let everything soak in before you answer back. A Goddamn Bear has just challenged you to Hopscotch, A, this is completely insane, B, Hopscotch is for girls, and C, your erection is still beating as hard you've ever beated an erection before. Obviously, the smart thing to do is a refuse and go inside to beat off... ...But you'll be damned if a Goddamn Bear makes a fool out of you! "GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU DAMN DIRTY BEAR!", you reply as you ready your body. You slap the piece of chalk out his claws and stick your erection into the ground, carving the squares into the cement with your beating manhood. "GOOD ANSWER, KID OF THE DAMAGED HEART, LET USE PLAY A MOST DANGEROUS GAME!", the Bear roars as he begins to Hopscotch in the most homosexual manner you've ever seen. ... You begin to do the same. Never has there been a more intense game of death, never has their ever been a more

530

spectacular sport, than you and a Bear Hopscotching to the death. "WHOOP HIS BUTT, HIICHAN!", Misha suddenly appears in the middle of the Hopscotch area. "MISHA!? WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?" "WAHAHA~ WAHAHA~ WAHAHA~", Misha begins laughing as if she's an alarm cloYou wake up in the middle of class and stand up on impulse. "MONKEY SCROTUM!", you yell out loud. The entire class looks at you awkwardly and the Teacher stares at you, astonished. You embarrassingly sit down, covering your face in disgrace and because you love the smell of laundry detergent. "Yes, Mr. Necktie, that's exactly what we call a primates private region, good job! Except, you know, this is English A" "MAN, WHY THE FUCK WOULD A JAPANESE STUDENT IN A JAPANESE SCHOOL BE TAKING ENGLISH?" "You only now begin to question the logic in this story?" "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN QUESTION THE LOGIC OF THESE NUTS!" "Please sit down and shut up while I attempt to teach the class things they will undoubtedly ignore and instead look in the back of the book for answers later" This class is balls to the ass retarded, you begin to ponder what you're going to do afterwards. "IT'S OKAY MEEJEWMAHROO, YOU'RE EVERYTHIN' A GOIL CAN ASK FOR IN A POIKEYMEN!" "WOTTER!" "Same goes for you, Tsutaaja, you'll always be my favorite" "I jerk off in your face at night, Black" "NAAAAYYYYYYAAAAHHHH!"

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You begin to exit the classroom. "Where do you think you're going, Mr. Necktie?", the teacher tries to stop you. You turn around to him with fire in your eyes and a stiffy in your pants that could be used for a Baseball bat. "I'VE GOT A DATE WITH DESTINY!" You exit the classroom and make your way to the Tea Room, avoiding all the laser traps that were set in place if you step on any of the white floor tiles. OK, maybe not really, but Hanako got you started with her damn Tile hopping. You politely knock on the Tea Room door with your penis. "Hisao?", Lilly recognizes that style of knocking anywhere. "May I come in, Miss.... Uh... Lilly" "Oh, please do", Lilly rebuttles with a soft and elegant voice. You open the door and unzip your pants. "Would you like some Tea?", Lilly politely asks as she sips her own. "Oh... Yeah, extra cream please", you reply as you sit down, opposite of Lilly and begin to lightly beat off. Lilly gets up and walks past you, she stops momentarily. "Hisao? What's that sound?" "Nothing" "You're quite certain?" "Y-Yes", you try to put on your coolface but realize she's blind. Lilly begins to brew the tea, bending over, so very slightly. ... You pace increases.

532

"It's almost done!", Lilly exclaims with a happy tone. "YEAH, ME TOO!" "Eh?" "HA HA, DON'T MIND ME, JUST BEING... YOU KNOW... SILLY!" "Ara Ara Ara!", Lilly whips together a cup of tea on nothing but muscle memory. She places it to your left, awkwardly, but you center it politely with one hand. Lilly stops in place again, she begins sniffing. "What is that... bizarre stench?" "Uh... It's me, I've been up working all morning and I'm all stinky and sweating", you lie like a dog. "Where have I smelled this before...", Lilly seems to recall the first couple times you did this. You don't care if she finds out or not, the sheer ecstasy of a masturbating in front of an oblivious woman is something the stuff of poetry. You wish you had a poet right now. "Hmm... I appear to be all out of cream, Hisao. My most sincere apologies", Lilly explains with a depressed tone. "OH.. IT'S FINE, I HAVE SOME WITH ME, HERE, I'LL SHARE IT WITH YOU", you smile as hard as humanly possible, containing your laughter. "Oh? You brought your own cream?" "YEAH, IT'S HOMEBREW" "Ah! I'd say I'd like to try some then! If that's all right with you" "NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM AT ALL!", you exclaim as you get up and aim your manhood at Lilly's tea cup. "NYYYGGGAAAHHHH", you came. The sperm shoots into Lilly's cup, clumsily, but inside nontheless. You us your Dick as a spoon and begin to stir Lilly's tea.

533

"VIOLA! MARVEL IN IT'S MASTERNESS!", you place the cup in front of Lilly. After feeling around for it for a good 3 seconds, she takes an elegant SIP. "ACK!", Lilly coughs out in a very cute way. "That bad, huh?" "I-It's very... Bitter! What exactly did you make this with" "Sugar, Milk, a bit of salt, and a couple hundred thousand of my precious unborn children" Lilly looks down at her Teacup and towards you. You awake several moments later, beaten and battered on the Tea Room floor. Lilly appears to have left. You burst into Kenji's room. "AH! WHAT THE FUCK MAN!", Kenji wakes up and reaches for the gun on his nightstand. "KENJI, I'M BORROWING YOUR SPIDERMAN COSTUME" "WHY?" "I'M GONNA STEAL THE PRINCIPAL'S CAR AND GO RUN OVER SOME HOOKERS" "WELL, OKAY, BUT JUST REMEMBER TO WASH IT AFTER YOU'RE DONE" "I'LL WASH IT ALL RIGHT" You slip on the Spiderman costume and jump onto Kenji's windowsill. "WITH MY PEE" You swing away and into the parking lot. The Principal drives a Cadillac Convertible, and his hood appears to be down. ... Still, it pays to be safe.

534

You punch through the glass window and unlock the doors inside. Man, you'd think doing all this would give you a heart attack. You hot-wire the car and speed off into a gang zone. You spot a crack dealer on the corner of Cockadock Avenue and Dicksome Street. ... You run him over with the car and pick up his crack cocaine. "I'M SPIDERMAN", you yell at the dealer's dead still body. You speed off into the night, until you realize how amazingly hungry you are. You stop by a McDonald's drive-through and order a Six Piece McNugget. "That'll be $3.69, please pull around to the front window", the man behind the box explains. ... SHIT! YOUR SKIN-TIGHT SPIDERMAN OUTFIT DOESN'T HAVE ANY POCKETS! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! But you look at the cocaine you have in the passenger's seat... With great crack, comes great responsibility. You pull around to the front window. "$3.69 please-", the man stops as he looks at you with pound of cocaine raised up in your left hand. "..." "..." "Uh.." You throw the cocaine into the McDonald workers face in a panic and jump inside to take the Cash Register.

535

You take out as much money as possible and speed off into the Burger King next door. After eating, you pour out the rest of your drink for all the dead homies that you don't have. You exit the Burger King and casually bump into a crowd of crippled gang bangers. "HEY YO, WATCH WHERE YOU GOING BATMAN!", the rapscallion exchanges hurtful words and a mispronunciation of the costume you appear to still be holding. "HOW ABOUT I KNOW YOUR SHIT!", you yell to the group of four Gangbangers. "Nigger, I'll put these size 13 shoes straight up yo' ass" "HA! JOKE'S ON YOU! I'M SPIDERMAN, AND SPIDERS DON'T HAVE ASSES" "..." "..." "...Or do they?" You pause for a second to reconsider, your new gangbanger friends do the same. You decide to roll with them until you figure out the answer. You walk into the McDonald's next door with the crippled Gangbangers, who pull out semiautomatic guns, one of them in a Wheelchair holding an AK. They seem to wanna rob the place... The man behind the counter looks at you with a confused face. "Twice in one day?" "The perfect crime!" After pistol whipping the employees, you tie them up in webbing and make back into your Cadillac with your new Gangbang bros. Suddenly, a giant Limo pulls into the parking lot, with a handicapped bumper sticker. Akira emerges from the back, holding a Katanah,

536

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, SPIDERMAN, THIS IS YAKUZA TURF!", she yells as she waves her sword around. Akira... Akira... Who was she again? Oh right, she's Lilly's sisterAND THE HEAD OF THE CRIPPLE YAKUZA!? FUCK! FUCK!! HOW THE HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS ONE! THINK! THINK!!! "DAMMIT!", you slam your fist into your hand, "WHAT WOULD KUBO DO?" And then it came to you! And also all the backgrounds are now nonexistent. "LOOKS LIKE I'LL HAVE TO USE MY SPIDEY BANKAI" "Y-Your what!?", Akira looks your way, confused. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", you yell as you assume a stupid pose. Everyone tenses, anticipating what you're going to do... ... ..... You begin urinating yourself. "..." "THE HEART, BITCH!" You push the gangbanger in the wheelchair towards Akira and jump inside the Caddy.

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"W-WHA-", the man in the wheelchair yells in confusion. Akira slices his head off with ease. You speed off, leaving the Gang Bangers behind and a pile of urine. "I'M SPIDERMAN, MOTHERFUCKER!", you yell to them as you speed off into a house with urine soaked pants. You pull back up to the drug dealer you ran over earlier and replace his clothes with your Spiderman uniform. After slipping on his dirty pants, you speed off back to school, where you sleep this entire stupid ordeal like a bad hangover. You wake up to Kenji banging on your door. "HEY ASSHOLE, HAVE YOU READ TODAY'S PAPER?" You open the door and Kenji flings the paper in your face... The headlines read "SPIDERMAN WAS FOUND GANGRAPED OUTSIDE A 7/11 IN A PUDDLE OF HIS OWN URINE" The two of you exchange laughter for a good long while. Everyone lived happily ever after since that day. Even Rin, who was cured of her breast cancer. Though subsequently, she died of Polio shortly after. The End.

538

The Brolocaust
You wake up on the medical center table, dazed and confused. The Nurse named Nurse enters the room with a distilled look on his face. "Hisao, you're up finally. Look, you've suffered another heart attack, this was to be expected, but to why it happened so later than expected was a thing of phenomenon..." "GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT DOC, WHY THE FUCK AM I WEARING A SCHOOL GIRL'S UNIFORM?", you ask as you look downwards. "Iunno, you came in like that" "OH, THAT'S RIGHT, TODAY'S SATURDAY" "Hisao, the reason your heart hadn't reacted the way it was supposed to is... Well... I'm not quite sure how to say this... it's due to steady shocks that were sent directly through your fist and revitilizing your heart from failure" Nurse looks at you with a dead serious face. "Hisao. If you do not Brofist someone every ten minutes, your heart is going to fail" ! !! "JESUS... TITTY FUCKING CHRIST!" "I'm sorry... I wish I could find another way to break the news-" "NO, NOT THAT. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE A MALE NURSE. HAHAHA, WHAT A FAG" "I don't wanna hear that coming from a guy in a School Girl's outfit" "..." "..." "...Well played, Nurse" "Alright then, I'll let you get back to School", the Nurse concludes as he discharges you. You bonk his fist, then steal his wallet on your way out, to pay for the debilitating drug habit that you don't have.

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You see familiar legless sillouette outside. "HISAO!" "JIMMY!" "The name's Emi" "That's what I said" "Why were you... in the Nurse's office?" "Caught Hepetitis from Misha" "...But why are you in a...", Emi stares contemplately at the School Girl Outfit you appear to be wearing. "I had the need to feel the breeze between my knees" "...ANYWHO, I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO RIGHT NOW, WANNA HANG OUT?" "To dry?" "I mean do stuff together, you smartass" "I don't know... That DOES sound kind of gay" "Why? What else were you gonna do?" "Well, I WAS gonna walk into a dressing room booth and yell 'HEY, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!'" Emi looks at you half cocked and starts to crack up. "Sure whatever, maybe it'll improve your popularity status", you exclaim as you take out a Peanut Butter Cup and prepare to lick it's sugary goodness. ...But before you do, Emi slaps it out of your hand and then punches you in the shoulder. "YOU DOUBLE DEALING FART COMMANDER, THAT WAS MY LAST CANDY BAR", you yell out in protest. "You're not eating that crap, here, eat a REAL candy bar", Emi tells you off as she hands you a Granola bar that she hid somewhere in her body.

540

"GRANOLA!? I'M NOT EATING THIS LOW TIER BULLSHIT" "Why don't we walk around the school for a bit? I don't feel like standing around and waiting for something to happen!", Emi roars out louder with the flames of adventure burning inside her eyes. "HEY! WHAT ABOUT MY PEANUT BUTTER CUPS, THAT WAS SOME GODDAMNED BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT", you cry out as you chase after the hobbling loli. ...But she turns out to be faster than you could of imagined... She's left you behind in the dustOH SHIT, YOU FORGOT TO BROFIST HER! FUCK, YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY TO BROFIST OR YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIEWait. Can you even Brofist a girl? ...How does that work? Maybe a Sisfist... Wait no, that sounds like something a metrosexual does to greet other metrosexuals. Fuck. What to do?

You see Emi running outside the nearby window, the bitch is fast. The only way to get to her is by jumping out of a two story building, dodged rolling to break the fall, then somehow getting Emi's attention in a timely manner. ... You punch open the nearby window, breaking your hand in the process and shredding it open with glass. "Ow."

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You jump lazily through the now-open window, cutting your back on the glass as you burst through. "Ow." You land on top of the fence outside, a steak pretty much entering your chest with the force of a speeding bullet. "Ow." You break yourself off from the fence, the steak still firmly planted in your chest and sticking out, and you make your way to the track where you still see Emi mindlessly wobbling around looking for something to do. ... You rip the steak out of your chest and lob it towards her. "Oi, EMI!" "H-Hisao!?", Emi looks your way in horror. She runs to your side with gusto, a fountain of blood now shoots out of your chest in a manly manner. "H-HISAO, DOESN'T THAT HURT? DON'T YOU FEEL PAIN!?" "Pain? What is... Pain?", you ask as you collapse on the ground. "Hisao! HISAO!" "Well, looks like I'm dead, don't tell Shizune though, she might get mad" "...", Emi looks at you half-cocked, yet again. "Bla.", you dramatically yell as you bleed out and die a horribly unsanitary death. ...

542

You snap back to reality, still standing by the window debating this plan. ... Probably should use the stairs... "HELLO... STAIRCASE" "KONEECHEEWHAH, MOTHERFUCKER", the stairs reply back to you. ...You shutter away from the staircase.

"HEY EMI!", you attempt to get Emi's attention by yelling outside via the top floor window... ...Which you could of simply pushed open instead of breaking.. Luckily, Emi hears you and turns around... ...A bit too fast, and breaks her leg stick things, causing her to fall to the ground. "JESUS CHRIST, YOU FUCKING FAIL" Thinking fast, you rip off a chair leg, fashion it into a harpoon, attach a conveniently placed rope to the end, and chuck it into the ground outside. A makeshift zip-line. You take off your belt... Wait no, you're still wearing a school girl's outfit. Fuck. OKAY. You rip off some more chair legs, break apart a round table and take off the rim, rip off your clothes, and fashion yourself a makeshift trampoline. ...

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It doesn't fit through the window. FUCK. Wait no. You get yourself a sheet of fabric, some shoe strings, a couple backpack straps, a condom, four pieces of rope, some Pepperoni Pizza, a House MD action figure, a light bulb with a boob drawn on it, Misha's fleshlight, and fashion yourself a homemade Bazooka. You blow apart the staircase and make your way through the wreckage and to Emi. "EMI, ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?" "No... I think I fell and hurt my fanny" "I'LL HAVE TO ADMINISTER FIRST AID", you explain as you firmly grasp Emi's buttocks. "..." "..." "...How does this help at all?" "SILENCE! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M A WELL RESPECTED DOCTOR" You pick up Emi and take her to the War Vet's apartment which you didn't know lived around there, and attach Emi to the top of the Tank. "NOW LIVE, EMI! LIVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LIVED BEFORE!" "W-What?" The Tank suddenly starts up and begins moving. "What." "W-What!? Hisao, how the hell am I driving this-", Emi gets interrupted by the nearby cliff conveniently placed at the end of the street.

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An explosion fills the air, followed by Emi's leg stomps firmly digging into the ground before you. "Oops."

You walk calmly into the Library, after buying a change of clothes thanks to Nursekunsamasansenpai's stolen money. You figure you could lay low in here, and read a dirty book or two while you're at it. A book catches your eye... "HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERY'S STONE? SOUNDS FUCKING KINKY" ? You notice somebody sitting alone in the back of the Library, sulking. Upon further examination... "Hanako?", you ask calmly as you walk towards the sulking sully. She looks up to you and weakly turns away. "Awwww... What's wrong hot-stuff?" "...", Hanako remains unresponsive. ... How do you get through to Hanako? "Happy Birthday", you say with a smile. Hanako slowly looks up to you with a surprised look, her face is littered with dried tear paths, looks like she'd been crying for several hours. "You... Y-You remembered my Birthday?", she finally speaks.

545

"Why wouldn't I?", you take out a present you had hidden in your pocket. "W-When did you...", Hanako looks at you, confused. "Wasn't easy, Nurse was the only guy on campus that I knew was loaded, so I faked my heart attack to get close, put on a School Girls outfit to avoid suspicion, and well... Kinda improvised the rest" Hanako looks at you even more confused than she was before. "Anywho, here, Happy Birthday", you hand the quiet girl a small box. "W-What is it?" "It's not Chocolate, unfortunately" "...", Hanako rips apart the small box like a madman, and uncovers the treasure that's inside. "That would be a Locket", you explain as she looks stricken with wonder. She opens it, slowly, a soft jingle begins playing as she looks at the picture inside. A picture of you, Lilly, and her playing the square hopping game she introduced to you the first week you attended this school is located inside. She looks back at you, eyes sparkling. "Ara Ara, Happy Birthday, Hanako!", she turns around to see Lilly feeling her way around the corridor. In Lilly's hand is a Rich Chocolate Cake with a Brofist you iced on, for good measure. "I...I...", Hanako begins fidgeting, looking at you and Lilly with mixed emotions. You grab hold of Lilly's hand and lead her towards Hanako, where the two of you Brohug her up as warmly as you possibly could. You don't care if this looks lame, you're being smooshed between Hanako's and Lilly's tits and that's a win in your book.

546

"We'll always be your friends, Hanako", Lilly explains the obvious with a smile. "Yeah", you let go, "We always will" "Y-You guys...!", Hanako begins crying again, uncontrollably. The three of you enjoyed your cake, and all in all, it was another cripple-tastic day in the life of Hisao Necktie, the Destroyer of Cunts. Alls well and ends well. ...Except for Rin, who was consequently crushed underneath a runaway Tank.

547

The Broujoing
Well, it's been about a year since you've started to attend the Cripple School because of your Racist Heart. You've learned a lot in that time. ... Not a whole lot, but atleast you now know that Rin dies at the end of every story of Breast Cancer. Speaking of Rin... You walk by the Art Room door and open it in using the secret unlocking strategy only you and Rin know about. "Hello, Hisao", Rin greets you as you enter the Art room with a pelvic thrust. You dodge roll diligently into the room to avoid the nonexistent laser traps. "WHAT'S UP RIN-TIN-TIN, ready to get funky wunky with my chunky chunky?", you begin your usual shenaniganery. "Sure, why not", Rin states out the blue. ... "Come again?" "I wouldn't mind getting plowed right now, Hisao", Rin replies casually as she continues panting a nearby poster using her toes. "..." "...?" "...Say that again, slowly, in a language I can understand. Depending on your answer, I MAY have to fuck your ass" "El Peenos entra en mi Vagoo y luego se tuerce en, Por Favor" "...You can speak Spanish?" "No"

548

Rin places the paint brush she's using firmly in place on her ear, and turns to you with an remarkably annoyed face. "What is it that you want today, Hisao?" YOU PICK UP RIN'S PAINT CANS AND BREAK THE NEARBY WINDOW. "RIN, HAND ME MY FUCKING FLUTE!", you yell out. "You have a Flute?" "NEVERMIND, I'LL SIMPLY WILL IT INTO EXISTENCE" You concentrate so hard you shit yourself. ... A Flute appears in your hands. "FUCK YES", you yell as you jump out of the window, playing a tune in mid-air as you fall down a billion stories. Suddenly, a giant robot Dinosaur emerges from the nearby lake. "DRAGONZORD, IT'S TIME TO FIGHT EVIL!", you announce as you rip off your clothes to reveal the Green Ranger outfit you had hidden underneath. You jump 200 feet up and land inside the Dragonzord with impossible precision. "LET'S CRANK THIS SHIT UP" You turn up the bass player, and turn on the hydraulics. The Dragonzord now bounces about while 'Fight the Power' plays full speaker. You casually make your way throughout the city, destroying everything in your path, murdering countless thousands. "IT'S MECHA-GODZILLA!", a nearby pedestrian yells out. "HOLY SHIT, IS THAT ULTRAMAN!?", a man with down syndrome blurts out as his urinates himself points out. A giant flying man in clad in Red and White crashes before you.

549

He looks pissed off... ... Better piss him off some more. You control the tail of the Dragonzord and drag it through your legs, then proceed to flail it about like a giant robotic penis, crashing into buildings left and right, leaving no survivors. "YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS TODAY!" , Ultraman crosses his arms and prepares himself. You look around to find something to interrupt his uncoming beam throw... Ah.. You're next to a harbor. ... You jump into the Harbor and plug your little arms into the sea and pull out some Sharks using nothing but impossibly good skill. "SHARK YOU FACE, BITCH", you lob a handfull of sharks at Ultraman. "UGH! SHARKS! MY ONE WEAKNESS!", he gasps as he shudders. ...But not before sending a beam directly through the center of the Dragonzord, destroying it complete from the middle outwards. You land on the beach inside the Dragonzord's head, you slowly crawl your way out and take a few steps on the sandy ground. You turn around. "YOU MANIAC!", you falls to the ground and punch it. "YOU BLEW IT UP!" ! But all is not lost! You spot a Airport about a Football field away.

550

"I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE, YOU PAJAMA WEARING ROBOFARTCLAMPER", you yell as you run your way into the sea. You swim around for a bit, biting your hand to leave a bit of a blood trail. ...Sharks begin coming at you in swarms. "ATATATATATATATATATATATATA", you ATATA the sharks underwater. You're careful as to only stun them, you want them alive. Like a boss, you drag a few sharks onto shore with you, and make your way into the airport. "AIRPORT SECURITY-", a guard outside the surrounding fence attempt to stop you. You lob a shark in his face. "OH GOOOOOD, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED THIS WEEK!", the guard stop, drops, and rolls... Which really doesn't stop a shark from eating you, surprisingly. You step through the remains of the poor security guard and pick up his small intestines. You fashion a hook you found inside a shark onto the end of it and make a make-shift grappling hook. ... Wait, you don't need a grappling hook. You throw the hook into space, colliding with a satellite laser about to be tested, altering it's course and blasting itself into the moon and inadvertently grafting a giant penis on the Moon's surface. You use the security guard's large intestines to safely secure the sharks to a nearby plane's wings. You take your shirt off and wrap it around your head like a turban, and threaten the pilots on break with nudity. They break, and agree to fly under your command. After much debating, you decide to also light the plane on fire. Red makes everything go faster.

551

You rip out a gas tank from someone's car in the parking lot, drink the gasoline, then take out the lighter Hanako gave you for Christmas. ... There was a joke somewhere in there... But you'll be damned if you're in any state to put together the pieces. You whip out your flaccid dong, and being urinating all over the plane, after you're done, you light up your urine and watch as the plane begins to burn. "Anything else you wanna add to our plane, son?", the old pilot asks in a very annoyed tone. "YEAH... DRAW A BOOB ON THE FRONT END" You fly the plane, with sharks tied around the wings, on fire, with a giant tit drawn on the front towards Ultraman. The collisions was a thing of poetry. But it was only then that you realized that the 360 no longer has any games. "Hey Rin... Uh...", you shudder. "Oh, spit it out, Hisao?", Rin inadvertently makes you chuckle in your mind, then realize that would mean it was a gay joke at your expanse, get angry, then calm down upon realizing that's not what she meant at all. But then question as to if that's what she wants you to think. ... Have you just been trolled? "Rin, you're armless, so how exactly do you check for... you know..." "Hisao, if you're gonna be this flaky, I'm going to Bitchkick you" "Rin, may I check you for breast cancer?" "Eh?" "I'm not asking to do something pervy, I'm genuinely concerned", you speak in a serious tone.

552

"Why... couldn't I just get Emi to check for me?" "Because I'm here, now, and I just took a Health class on Breast Cancer" "Semi-good reasons, but I'm not sure I trust you enough to do that" "What? I changed your goddamn Tampon once" "No you didn't" "You're right, but I like to pretend I did" Rin glares at you, with killing intent. "Well, if the problem's in my bra, then I guess it can't be helped" You raise your hands up, diligently. "It looks like I'll have to use... 'that'!" "Shut up and grab my titties" "O-Oh alright then" You walk over toward Rin, cold sweat building with each and every step... Slowly, you place your hands on Rin's nice cold feeling blouse, and lift it up like a cocaineaddict searching for fifty cents inside a sofa. "...", you stare at Rin's tummy. "Something... wrong? Hisao?" "It's nothing, I just thought your conjoined Siamese twin sister, Lin, would be grafted to your stomach and she'd burst out and yell "QUAAAIIIID, THERE'S OXYGEN ON MARRRRSSSSS!"" "Thought I was gonna be the three-boobed lady in your perverted imagination" "I'm still holding out to see one around the school" You touch Rin's stomach, rubbing it with your ice cold hands... "I think I just peed alittle", Rin remarks crudely.

553

"Yeah... Me too" "I was joking" "So was I", you riposte as your pants squish. Slowly, you feel your way upwards, you dig your way through Rin's warm sensuous skin. Feels good, man. The hands finally touch the edge of the bra. ...You didn't think Rin wore a bra. Diligently, you slip in underneath the silk bra, until your palms meet the underside of Rin's boobs. Feels even better, man. "TITTYJIGGY, TITTYJIGGY, IT'S BIGGY BIGGY BIGGY!", you make up your next catchphrase on the spot. You feel around like you were searching for thousands of pieces of clear-cut diamonds in the sand, making sure no side is left unattended. It's doubtful Rin would let you pinch her nipples, but it wouldn't hurt to ask! "Oh no..." "What is it, Hisao?", Rin looks at you, worried. "...Rin..." "No.." "...." "It can't be... I can't..." "Rin..." "Hisao?" "R-Rin..."

554

"TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS! STOP ACTING SO FUCKING COY!", Rin lashes out. "I... I..." "Yes...!" "Rin... Your breasts..." "!" "...They have teeth" "Huh?" You spring forward, knocking off Rin's bra and blouse, revealing two sets of teeth where Rin's tits would be. "AAAHHHHHAAAAAAA! WHAT IS THIS!? I DON'T EVEN!?!?", You attempt to break free of the teeth's grasp but to no avail. "Oh yeah, that's right, I'm a Titty Monster" "T-T-T-TITTY MONSTER!?" "Yeah, I sometimes use them to paint stuff with" "YOU HAVE TEETH ON YOUR TITS, YOUR BOOBS HAVE MOUTHS, THIS DOESN'T STRIKE YOU AS STRANGE!?" "I also have no arms" "AHHHHH, IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT'S LIKE MY FINGERS ARE AN EMMY AND CRAB NICHOLSON'S CLAWS DON'T HAVE RUBBER BANDS LOCKED ON!" And to no avail, Rin's titty's then proceeded to devour Hisao. Astounded by this, Scientists all over announced that this was indeed a scientific breakthrough for breast cancer everywhere. Parades were held. Medals were awarded. People found this to be quite amusing and deemed the day "Hisao getting eaten by Titties" Day, which quickly became a national holiday.

555

Every year, Rin's monstrous titty's would feast upon a member of the Necktie family, until there was no more left remaining. This didn't please Rin's killer titties too well, so they invented time travel and were sent back in time to WW2, where, sure enough, they devoured Hitler and became Fuhrer of Nazi Germany. The End.

556

International Man of Sodomy

You burst into the Library wearing a Crushed Velvet Suit, roll into the path of Hanako, who is conveniently sitting in a bean chair, and strike a funny pose upon coming to a full stop. Hanako stares at you with blunt enthusiasm. "DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY... YEAH!?", you yell as you hum the theme to Austin Powers and begin shaking your hands around like Maracas. "I-I.... I hate y-you..." "THAT'S NO GOOD, YOU'RE MY CANON LOVE INTEREST, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE IN NEED OF SOME SPANKINGS", you yell out as you pull of Hanako's nose playfully. Hanako shakes you off and looks at you annoyed. "I-If this were a Visual N-Novel... Everyone would p-probably go for R-Rin or... 'her'", Hanako pictures Shizune in the back of her mind with extreme prejudice. "AKU-NA-MA-TITTY" "W-What?" "AKU-NA-MA-TITTY! IT MEANS NO WORRIES, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS" "That's... Hakuna Matata-" "THAT'S WHAT I SAID, AKU-NA-MA-TITTY" "...", Hanako looks at you, with a silent face. Her frustration slowly beginning to fill her very being. "...", You meet her frustration head-on by engaging her in a staring contest. "..." "..." "..." "...DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY.. YEAH!" "Just... J-Just leave me alone", Hanako sighs as she closes her book and begins to walk away. "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!", you yell out as you claim Hanako's bean bag chair and

557

conquer it in the name of America. Hmmm.... It's still warm. But you quickly lose interest. You bust through the front doors, using nothing but your manly as fuck APPENDIX. Hehe.. Appendicks. BUT THEN CONFRONT MISHA, WEARING A JERSEY, ON THE B-BALL COURT. "HIICHAN... I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU", Misha puts on her most evil toned voice possible, still managing to fuck up and sound like a female version of Gilbert Gottfried. "MISHA..." "HIICHAN..." "MISHA!" "HIICHAN!" The camera pans in and out, focusing mainly on your eyes at dramatic angles. "LET THIS BE... OUR FINAL BATTLE!" "HISAO!" "MISHA!" "HIIIIIIIISSSSSSAAAAAAAOOOOOO!" "MIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHAAAAA!" The world begins to move at your command, as with her. Only two individuals exist now. You... And HER! "..." "..."

558

"So wait, what are we doing?", you ask Misha as you scratch the back of your head. "I... DON'T... KNOW!", Misha dramatically signals. "Well then... That... That happened", you come to a quick conclusion and attempt to walk away. "HALT!", Misha stops you as she crosses her arms. "ONLY ONE MAN TELLS ME TO HALT, AND YOU'RE NOT HIM... OR A MAN! Atleast I don't think you are", but anything's possible really. "LET'S PLAY BASKETBALL!", Misha blurts out as she grabs her crotch and thrusts it forward like Michael Jackson. "...Naw" "Hohoho... Would you want to play...if you see more of THIS", Misha flashes you her bra-less chest,"If you WIN, WAHAHA!?" "I WILL NOW DEFEAT YOU WITH MY ALL!", you yell as your erection breaks the barrier of your pants with explosive force. You scratch your chin. "But to really give it my all... Either my love interest would have to be in danger or my best friend gets killed before me-" "HEY HISAO, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M A BIRD!", Kenji yells at you out of the blue. You turn around to see Kenji on the rooftop, flapping his homemade wings made out of empty beer bottles. "FREEEEEEEEEEEBIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRDDDD!", Kenji yells as he splats in front of you, leaving a nasty stain on the pavement. "KEEEEEENNNJJJJIIIIIII!", you yell dramatically as you punch the ground. "Good to go, Hiichan?" "OH YEAH, IT'S ON NOW, BITCH!" You grasp Kenji's scarf.

559

"YOU WILL NOT HAVE DIED IN VAIN, MY FRIEND!" "I'm not.. dead-", Kenji weakly replies. THE THEME TO SPACE JAM IS NOW PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD, SO LOUDLY IT BLARES OUT ALL FORTHCOMING LOGIC. Misha throws the ball to you, with the fiery force of a retard. "I'MMA TAKE YOU TO THE BANK, BITCH", you begin to dribble like a maniac. "YEAH YEAH, YOU AIN'T NOTHING BUT TALK, SHORTY" You skillfully evade Misha and shoot a two pointer with pin-point accuracy. "SWISH, LET ME SEE SOME TISH!", you yell out. Misha slips off her skirt and throws it to the side, with great haste. "AH... BABY BLUE STRIPES", you comment as you admire Misha's ass. ...A bit too much, as she attempts to shoot from the three-pointer line. "HISAO, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME NIGGA", your penis smacks you back to reality. Unfortunately, too late, as Misha scores a three-pointer as you attempt to block her, only to grab onto her thick thighs and inspect them in mid-air. "FUCK IT ALL", you yell as you take your shirt off and toss it to the ground. "WAHAHA, this game's as good as won!", Misha gloats her inevitable pre-game win. "THE FUCK IT IS, YOU FAKE FAT TITTED BITCH!" You latch onto the Basketball, filling it with your undefeatable limbedo. THE AIR BEGINS TO FILTER AND CHANGE AROUND THE BALL, AS IT BEGINS TO FILL WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS! "TAKE THIS, MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY BALLS!" You jump a billion feet in the air, burning up in the Earth's surface, and ascend back down in the shape of a fiery Brofist. "CHAOS DUNNNNNNKKKKKKK!"

560

You smash the Basketball through the hoop, making the glass shatter into a million pieces and blowing up the post in the process. Using nothing but the awesome power originating from your Racist Heart, Unbeatable Dick, and Air-Headed Brain, you channel your manliness into the million pieces of shatter glass, and reassemble them into a glass statue of you standing over Misha, holding a Basketball in a victory pose. "I AM HISAO NECKTIE, THESE ARE MY COURTS YOU DRILL HAIRED HARPY, TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, LET ME TAKE PICTURES, THEN GET THE FUCK OFF MY BASKETBALL COURT" Misha begins to slowly undress, a single tear falling from her cheek. The tear of COMPLETE and TOTAL DEFEAT. You take a few pictures of her firm, supple breasts and a couple of her pink, drill haired pubic hair and pussy. Ass shots for the road. Misha Status: TOLD. ... Now you're bored again. "HEY RIN!", you yell into the empty Art Class Room. ...She's not here... "HEY RIN!", you yell into the lobby room. ...She's not here... You walk through the girl's shower nonchalantly, with girls still taking a shower. "HEY RIN!", you yell as you begin to strip. "AAAAHHHHHHH!", a random girl yells. "GET OUT GET OUT!", the chocolate one handed girl yells as she pushes you out, her wet titties jiggling like Jello.

561

"AH MAN, WHERE'S MAH BRO~", you sing as you slide down the corridor. !? You stop at a certain room number... Room Number 420. Yeah. This is definitely Rin's room. You raise your hand to knock on the door... ...Wait... No.. That's what they'd be expecting... You burst through Rin's room door, dodge rolling like always.... Only this time you land into a bush of Pot Plants. ... "THIS SOME GANJA, MON!?", you suddenly pick up a French accent. "Oh hey Hisao, haven't seen you around all day-", Rin comes out of the Bathroom, a toothbrush firmly planted in her mouth. ...Something's off here... Oh, you see it now. She's pants-less. "HNNNNRRRRRGGGGG", your Drill Sargent stands at attention. "Think you have a problem in your pants", Rin points out as the Toothbrush falls from her mouth. She looks down apathetically and sighs. "Hisao, you mind helping me with something?" "I am the Boner of my pants"

562

"Good for you, come into the bathroom, please", Rin asks as she grabs hold of your Necktie with her twinkle toes. She leads you down the hallway and into a Girls Bathroom. ...You're in the belly of the beast now... You must keep your wits ABOUT YOU! "Hey Hisao-", Rin speaks up. "AH! FUCK! I PISSED MYSELF, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, RIN? DO YOU JUST GO AROUND ALL DAY, MAKING PEOPLE PEE THEIR PANTS? DO YOU GET SOME SORT OF SICK THRILL OUT OF IT-" "Hisao, could you brush my teeth?", Rin looks down, worried. "QUE!?" "I um... I'm terrible at brushing my teeth with my feet" "Only if you call me your old brother" "Hmm? Why would I do that?" "It is every man's dream to brush the teeth of his little sister, while she squirms and says 'NOH PWEASE, YOU'RE BRWUSHING TOO HAAAWWD!'" "I doubt that, but I haven't read enough incest comics to debate it", Rin cooly adds. "But using your hands is for casuals, I got a better idea", you explain as you stick the handle of the Toothbrush firmly into your teeth. "Huh?", Rin backs up in surprise. You kneel in front of her, and position yourself just right. "OPREN YOUR MOURH AND SAY AAAAWWWRRR", you talk with your mouth full of nothing. Rin cocks her head sideways and decides to comply. You use your tongue to gently push the Toothbrush into Rin's mouth, and shake your head up and down to gyrate. "HMMM!?", Rin looks like she's about to cry.

563

"You know, I can smell you pretty well right now..", you explain as you sniff like a pervert. "Stop that" "BUT YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE CHERRIES", you begin to yell, which sends vibrations through the Toothbrush. "HNNG!?", Rin tenses up. "Boy, your mouth is really sensitive, isn't it?" "...", Rin nonchalantly nods. "Stick your tongue out", you ask out of the blue. "Huh?" "Don't you know? You're suppose to brush your tongue too, so stick it out" ...Sure enough, Rin opens her teeth and lets het tongue stick out... You move in for the kill, rubbing your face against hers, you skillfully scrub her tongue until you see your reflection in the saliva. "I-I... I really need to spit right now" "I always thought you were a swallower...", you back away from Rin, and take the toothbrush into your manly fist. "BLAHCK!", Rin spits into the nearby sink, you turn on the water and let Rin rinse her mouth out... "FEEL REFRESHED BABY?" "Feel kinda sullied... and unusual..." "Yeah that sounds about right" "Hey Hisao, you mind opening the Art Room door for me real fast? I forgot my happy pills", Rin asks pleadingly. "You take Happy pills?" You accompany Rin, on her walk back to the Art Room...

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You stumble across the Student Council Room door. You forgot this place existed!? A strong aura just filled your very being... This... Feeling...!? COULD IT BE AN ENEMY STAND!? You crash through the Student Council Room door, because door knobs are so obviously for newfags. Shizune is sitting in front of a table, Risk, the boardgame appears to be laid out in front of her. ...She's smirking immensely. "YARE YARE DAZE", you readjust your nonexistent hat and walk towards Shizune. There's a note on the table... It reads, "Dear Hisao, I challenge you to a game of Risk. If you lose, you have to join the Student Council, once and for all! Signed, Shizune, the Conquer of Dicks" You stop and look Shizune dead in the face. "WHAT DO I GET IF I WIN!?" Shizune scribbles on a piece of paper and passes it to you like a Ninja star. "You get my Anal virginity" Cut Off End.

565

The End
Welp. Today's the last day of Yamfucku High School, the Cripple School for Cripples. You're Hisao Necktie, better known as 'Cunt-thrust Mcgee" or the "Destroyer of Cunts". You've been diagnosed with Arrhythmia, a debilitating heart disease that will one day burst out of your chest and go on to impregnate people with Aliens with that bleed Acid. You've had a long list of adventures here at the school with your classmates, looking back, it's been a really REALLY retarded journey. But seeing as it as your last day, it feels like you should go do something, to go out with a bang so to speak. But what? How should this tale end? You walk to the window, wiping the sand out of your eyelids and waking up finally. You open up the blinds to your window to help wake you upThe scenery outside is complete and utter PANDAmonium, the School is aflame, bodies littered across the school grounds, cars crashed into trees, black people riding in the front seats of ongoing police cars, complete and utter chaos. ... You hate mornings. The blinds shut with ease as you sluggishly and clumsily slip on your School uniform and a random Luchidor mask you found at Target. Today's just gonna be one of those days. ... YOU RUN TOWARDS THE WINDOW WITH THE SPEED OFF A MACH-1 FIGHTER JET, AND HEADBUTT THE WINDOW OUT. You dodge roll as you hit the ground, and take up a heroic standing stance, fists at your side, standing up straight. "THERE'S NO NEED TO FEAR, EL CUNTO FUNTO IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!", you yell out in your best Gene Hackman impersonation.

566

The School collapses to your side, the warm flames engulf your body. ...UNTIL YOU SPIN AROUND SO FAST, YOU SUMMON A TORNADO WITH YOUR DICK! THE DICKTADO COMPLETELY BLOWS AWAY THE FLAMES, LEAVING NOTHING BUT A PILE OF RUBBLE AT YOUR FEET. "I guess this is one day I'm glad I decided to sleep in", you narrate as you stretch your manly neck muscles. ! Kenji emerges from the rubble with a torn shirt and ripped chest. "HISAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!", Kenji yells out as he poses dramatically. "EL KEEEENNNJJJJOOOO?", you emulate Kenji's manly muscle posing. "They took your girlfriend, dude", Kenji mildly blurts out as he starts scratching the back of his head. "Which one?" "ALL OF THEM!" You rip off the Luchidor mask and put on a scowl. "Shit just got REAL" "Wait, who's 'they'?", you ask Kenji as you readjust your neck-tie. "ALL OUR GREATEST ENEMIES, BRAW" "You'll have to be more specific" "Well, you'd probably laugh if I told you" The sky begins to envelope with falling comets and asteroids, burning up in the earth's atmosphere, making the sky itself look as if it's on fire. "Think I'll be just fucking neato, Broham" "Alright Alright. A Tyrannosaurus Rex named "Professor Rexicus" who was being ridden by what looked like was Bill Clinton in a black cape with Crab Nicholson on his shoulder stole all the women in this school and told me to tell you that 'They will be waiting for you on the Moon'", Kenji summarizes as he motions and dances with his hands.

567

"...That has got to be the most retarded fucking thing you have ever told me, ever" "BRO" "Dude?" "BRAW" "DUDE!" "BRAHHAM, YOU'VE GOT TO FIGHT BILL CLINTON RIDING A TOP HAT WEARING TYRANNOSARUS WITH CRAB NICHOLSON YELLING ON LINERS ON THE MOON" "..." "..." "...Oh alright" You slam your fist into your hand. "BUT HOW IN THE FUCKYWAGGLES AM I SUPPOSE TO CATCH A RIDE TO THE MOON?" ! A light envelops the surrounding area, a bright aura appears out of thin air and slowly makes it way towards you with the presence of the Gods. The light begins to fade away... revealing... !!!! "NIEL PATRICK HARRIS?" Sure enough, it's NPH riding a giant robotic unicorn with rainbows following it's every step. "Hey guys, maybe I can help", NPH proclaims as he rides towards you. "B-But what about the wreckage and chaos still going on around here?", you ask as you survey the scene, "BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, YOU'VE GOT TO FOLLOW THAT PUSS-SAY!" You hear a familiar sounding voice as you turn around...

568

! "T-PAIN?", you yell out as you see T-pain accompanied by an army of big tittied Mermaids in SUV's. "I'VE GOT THE ENTIRE OCEAN BEHIND MY BACK, DOG, as well as a few conscripted rappers, BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT. "Well Hisao?", NPH looks your way, with the gaze that could make every woman in a thousand yards cream themselves. You nod your head. You climb atop the giant unicorn with Kenji, NPH nodding, banging his head to is own theme music. "How exactly does this... uh... Unicorn work?", you ask NPH as he grasps a firm hold on the majestic creature. "You just have to believe" "Believe?" "You Heart, the broken one, it holds the power to fuel this creature through hope and other gay shit I really don't feel like saying because I'm too busy being awesome" "I see..." "Believe in yourself, Necktie, or you can believe in me who believe in you" "ANAKI!?", Kenji yells out. "I believe, Neil Patrick Harris, I believe that I'm going to go to the moon and kick some ass" "That's the answer I wanted to hear" The Robot Unicorn starts up, powered by the FURY OF A MILLION EXPLODING SUPER NOVAS. ... A really gay song begins playing out of nowhere. 'ALWAYS I WANNA BE WITH YOU...!'

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"What... What IS that?", Kenji asks while eating some Beef Jerky. "That would be the Theme of the Gods", NPH cooly adds as he begins chowing down on a White Castles Burger. 'HARMONY HARMONY OH LOVE!' The Unicorn shoots off the ground with a force unlike anything you've ever seen before. The ground, the sky, the entire world fades from your view in a glory of white puffy clouds and rainbows. ... You hate mornings. "Wait, Hisao, how in the hell are you still beathing?", Kenji asks from inside the space suit he put on off screen, "There's no oxygen in space!" "Because. I don't need it", you genuflect atop the Robot Unicorn. You finally arrive on the moon, nearly destroying the surface in the process. After the collision, you're sent hurling into a never-ending crater. "FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", you yell as you continue falling. The vast emptiness and blackness of the crater fill you with uncertainty, but not terror. Eventually. You see a bright glowing orange light coming up from the inside, a large orange room, filled with Ladders, Chairs, Bamboo sticks, and alcohol kegs fill your view. You brofist the ground upon impact, cushioning your fall. "Where am I...?" You survey the surrounding area, a bright orange room filled with Chairs, Ladders, and Beer Kegs! You hear something?

570

... It's the sound of a crying baby... You turn around to see the most fear inspiring post piss-your-pants person you've ever had the frightening pleasure to lay eyes on. "JACKIE CHAN!?" "YOU, VERY BAD PERSON" "I AM NOT!" "YOU HURT BURN GIRL'S FEELING, NEARLY RAPE ARMLESS LADY, BE VERY MEAN TO DRILL HAIR, AND MAKE NICE BLIND LADY DRINK NASTY TEA!" "Alright, yeah, I guess I did that" Jackie takes off his white Jacket, and assumes a fighting stance as he fiercely gazes at you. "Ugh, I guess you're not going to listen to reason..." !? The room around begins to envelope with laughter? !!!! The Ladders begin clapping together, as if they're laughing maniacally, the folding chairs begin opening and closing up, faces begin to arise out of the Bright orange walls, laughing. "AAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", the Ladders chuckle. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", the chairs laugh. "YYYYAYAYYAYAYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", the walls scream. "W-WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON-!?", you look around you at the complete and total insanity. Jackie Chan begins to walk towards you, his skin beginning to melt away. Hanako, Lilly, Shizune, Emi, Rin, Misha, and the rest of the Yamaku High begin to slowly ooze out of Jackie's body.

571

"WHAT IS THIS, I DON'T EVEN!" The room begins to enclose around you, everyone you've ever met or fought are beginning to emerge from the empty orange floor, fog emitting out of nowhere. O-OH GOD! THE GIRL'S FACES ARE BURSTING THROUGH YOUR FOREARMS. "I-I-I'IVEGOTTOBESOMEWHERE!", Hanako's voice echos. "Maybe the problem's in your pants?", Rin's apathetically monstrous voice drills into your earlobes. "Hisao, would you mind accompanying me?", Lilly's sweet voice is turned into a frighting howl. "JOIN THE STUDENT COUNCIL, HIICHAN!", Misha's voice remains largely unchanged. This is... What is... Your head feels like it's splitting apart... ? UPON FURTHER EXAMINATION IT IS!? "GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH, EVEN SPEEDWAGON IS AFRAID!", Robert EO Speedwagon yells out in a ghastly voice as he fades with the other monstrous Orange colored faces. The Orange blob of a room begins to enclose around you, the pressure begins to enter your lungs. "Why does this... kind of shit... always seem to happen to me?", you ask yourself unknowingly. Your vision begins to darken. The majority of the Orange goo begins to form a gigantic translucent face. "GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!", the laugh of the creature echos throughout your entire being. "What the fuck... are you?" "I'M...."

572

The Goo smiles a freakishly large smile across it's entire body. "YOU!" "If you're me, then who am I?" "YOU'RE YOU AND I'M YOU" "Shit, that usually confounds most people" "I AM YOU AND YOU ARE ME! WE'RE ONE BIG HAPPY FAM-I-LY!" Your eyes begin to grow weary, your lungs refuse to draw breathe. This is some messed up.. shit. You can't... keep awake... You... "I..." Wait.. What is... What is that? "I-I... hope Hisao's all right... I don't k-know what'd I do if he...", Hanako's voice. "I pray for your well-being, Hisao...", Lilly's voice. "Look at you, laying there in that bed... It's like a scene out of Sleep Beauty, in a way. I wonder... will you wake up if I kiss you?", Rin voice. "If I could speak Hisao, I'd probably be too busy beating the crap out of you for making me worry instead of saying how much I miss you", Shizune's... Voice? "Don't Worry Hiichan! Misha's right here, making sure you pull through. I'll even read you a bed-time story. Though that does seem pretty stupid considering.. uh... You know what, I'll do it anyway! Wahaha!", Misha's voice. "IT'S ALL MY FAULT! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! DON'T DIE HISAO!", Emi's voice.

573

... Your eyes finally open. You're in a hospital room. "I... What?", you look around the familiar setting. Why are you... What's going on? You attempt to spring out of bed-But fall clumsily to the floor nearly busting open your nose in the process. Your legs... are weak? ...You can barely even feel your arms. "Well shit, this sucks", you talk out loud. ! The room door begins to creak open, a nurse enters for the routine check-up. "Huh?", she peers over the Hospital bed, then towards you on the floor in a pathetic state. "D-D-DOCTOR!", the Nurse drops her paperwork and speeds out the door in an instant. She... could of atleast propped you back on the bed. Moments go by as the Doctor enters the room and has the Nurse help you back onto the hospital bed. "Mr. Nakai is it? I bet you have a mess load of questions right about" "Please, call me...", you snap to. "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ORANGE GOO STUFF!? I FLEW TO THE MOON-" "Hisao, I'll be blunt. You've been in a Coma now for quite a few months..." "Excuse me?"

574

"Apparently, going by what's written down, you were running about with a.. Amputee by the name of Ibarazaki Emi when you collapsed-" "Shut up, it's starting to come back to me...", you try to peer back. ... You recall slipping on a doormat... Then that hop-scotch game with Hanako... Ah yes, you remember now. Emi challenged you to a race, and you, being the idiot that you are, took her up on that offer. "How long have I been out... Wait no... I wonder what the girls over at Yamaku High.... were... uh... I lost my train of thought", you try to resemble yourself. "Amazingly, there were about Seven students who kept coming to check up on you, while you were Comatose-" "Bet I could guess who they were" "You have some pretty amazing friends there, Mr. Nakai, regardless of their physical limitations" "The greatest, If there's anything I've learned, being physically handicapped doesn't mean a goddamn thing at the end of the day, they're still people" "Shall I inform them that you've awoken?", the Doctor asks as he takes out a chart and begins to scribble on it. "Naw, I wanna be able to move again when I see them" "Then I'll schedule you for a Physical right away, but I will need to inform your parents-" You begin to dose off... ...But a certain face is beginning to stick in your mind. A certain face... Which face would that be? ...The choice doesn't matter... because you're no runt. You flip off the covers to the surprise of the Medical Staff, revealing a 70's rock outfit and purple glittering cape.

575

"CAUSE I'M HISAO NECKTIE, THE DESTROYER OF A CUNT!", you take out an Electric Guitar from underneath the bed and begin to rock out. Hot Nurses begin to fill the room, stripping in the process. The all begin to dance around your guitar wielding god-hood, bitches begin throwing their panties at you. "I'M HISAO NECKTIE, DESTROYER OF A CUNT. DON'T ACT LIKE A BITCH, OR YOUR PUSSY I WILL PUNT. MY HEART'S A RACIST FUCK, MADE ENTIRELY TO SUCK, BUT MY SOUL IT WILL NOT TUCK, CAUSE I'M NEVER REALLY DOWN ON MY LUCK!", you rock out like a boss. You fly out of the window, still standing on your hospital bed, with Nurses wrapping around your legs. After a few minutes of rocking, you land onto the top of Yamfucku High, jizzing out of control. "H-Hisao!?", Emi yells out. "HELLO EMI, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU I FOUND YOU INCREDIBLY SEXY?" "Well... Not lately.." "GOOD, HOP ABOARD" Emi launches herself onto your flying Hospital bed powered by rock. You fly towards the Art Room Window, and see Rin sitting on the edge of the window-sill. "HEY RIN" "...I think I took too much Acid" "RIN LOOK, YOU'RE WEIRD, AND I LIKE WEIRD, WANNA JUMP ON MY BED AND FUCK LIKE CRACK INDUCED TIGERS?" "If I must...", Rin jumps onto the flying bed, firmly planting herself next to Emi. You fly towards the Student Council Room window. "SHIZUNE!", you yell to Shizune inside. "..." "SHIZUUUUNE!"

576

"..." "SHIZUNE- Wait, what the fuck am I do?", you grab ahold of one of the nurses and lob her at the window. "I REGRET NOTHING, YOU'RE TOO MUCH MAN FOR ME HISAAAAAOOOOO-", the Nurse yells out. "...?", Shizune walks over to the window and stares at what can only be described as... 'Awesome'. You begin signing, "SHIZUNE, I LIKE YOUR FACE, COME ABOARD!" Shizune looks at you half cocked, and carefully hops aboard the flying bed powered by rock. "YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITHOUT ME!", Misha yells as she comes running through the window as well. ... She misses the bed and begins to fall to her death. "I REGRET NOTHING, YOU'RE TOO MUCH MAN FOR ME HISAAAAAOOO, WAHAHA-", Misha yells. "...", Shizune looks at you with a worried face. "...OH ALL RIGHT!", you fly down and save Misha in the nick of time. You fly over towards the Tea Room door. "LILLY! LILLLLLLLYYYYYY!", you yell into the windows. ... She gently opens the window, letting in an awful breeze. "Hisao, is that you? I thought you were..." "WHAT DID YOU TELL YOU?" "E-Eh?" "BABY, WHEN YOU'RE AROUND ME, YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK AT ALL"

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"Oh Hisao, you're a silly person" "I KNOW I AM, HOP ON THE BED" "What bed?" "GODDAMN IT", you rock out and carry Lilly onto the floating bed powered by rock with the power of METAL. You fly over into the Library, and see Hanako sulking in the corner. "HANA-BANANA?" Hanako gets up with lightning quick reflexes, and turns to you in surprise. "H-HISAO!?", Hanako turns to you with her face half cloaked, wearing a Kunoichi's outfit. "HAH, I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A FUCKING NINJA" "Y-You Asshole! I thought you died!", Hanako yells to you in tears of joy. "DIE? I WOULDN'T DIE EVEN IF YOU KILLED ME!" "W-W-Why are you... on a flying... Bed? H-How.." "ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE, YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO ROCK!" "I've given up trying to understand anything you do, Hisao", Hanako... Actually.. Starts to smile!? "HNNNNNNGGGGG", you clutch your chest. Hanako jumps up on the bed with unseeable speed. "Well, now what, Hisao?", Rin asks as she peers over your shoulder. "NOW, THE JOURNEY REALLY BEGINS!", the bed begins to rise up into the air yet again. "HISAAAAOOOOO, YOU QUADRUPLE NIGGER! DON'T YOU LEAVE ME HERE TO FIGHT THE FEMALE CONSPIRACY ALOOOONE!", Kenji emerges from atop the bookcases.

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"KENJI, STOP MAN, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT!" "HAVEN'T I TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING, HISAO? BECAUSE I'VE CERTAINLY LEARNED SOMETHING!" "OH YEAH, WHAT?" "I'VE LEARNED... HOW TO DOUBLE JUMP!" Kenji jumps with the majestic beauty of a Donkey show, and backflips in midair, forming a... what you know it... DOUBLE JUMP! "YEEEEAAAAHHH", Kenji yells as he lands on top of your bed. "Kenji, you're one crazy motherfucker" "THAT'S WHAT MY EX-WIFE KEEPS TELLING ME, So where are we heading, Hisao?" "Simple bro. We're going after..." "AFTER...!?" "DRAGON BALLS!", you yell as the bunch of you fly off into the air on your rock powered mattress, leaving nothing but a sparkle behind. FIND THE DRAGON BALLS! LOOK OUT FOR THEM ALL! And they all had grand and glorious adventures. Until the end of their days. The End. Except for Rin of course, who died of Breast Cancer shortly after.

579

Nine Lives Bro Works

YOU ARE HISAO NECKTIE, THE PAUPER OF THE SURF, THE JESTER OF TORTUGA, THE DESTROYER OF CUNTS. WITH A RACIST HEART WHO'S BIGOTED AGAINST LIFE ITSELF, YOU GO TO A CRIPPLE SCHOOL FOR CRIPPLES, AND THIS IS YOUR STORY. Tis a typical mid-day, mid-air, mid-lecture in your cripple school class. Around you is the desks, chairs, and some rather nice window shades. Extravagantly so, just what are those windows trying to overcompensate for? Oh, you guess there's students are you too, physically disabled ones. There's Miki, the chocolate colored girl who had her had amputated. She's not very good at video games. There's Suzu, the narcoleptic with a bum knee. She's not very good at Monopoly. There's Hachisame, she's a sharktopusOh, there's Shizune, the deaf girl, and Misha, the pink drilled haired girl, are doing their class proud by listening intently to the manly professor's lecture. You're almost positive they're lesbians. Probably catholic too. There's many more cripple girls and boys around you, it's a very diverse class. ...But when you're bored, there's one girl you love to pick on the very most of all. Hanako. The crispy girl with half her body covered in burn marks. She's totally hot. "OI... HANAKO!", you whisper out loud towards the back, where Hanako is sitting. "...", she ignores you, and continues hiding her face behind a book, attempting to listen intently to the class lecture. "HANAKO! PSSSSST!", you roll up a piece of paper into a ball between your hands and toss it at her, "HANAKO!" "...", she flinches in fear as the piece of paper lands on her head, but regains her composure and continues to ignore you. Her attitude remains steadfast, but still fickle. ...

580

You don't like to be ignored. ! Suddenly, a book flies over Hanako's head and crashes behind her, the loud thump behind her startles her and makes her jump around while seated. "HANAAAAAKO!", you whisper even louder, like the Batman, only not really. "W-W-WHAT!?", she shouts out to you, breaking the classes silence and interrupting the teacher. ... "Sheesh, nevermind", you turn around in your seat while talking to yourself, "Man, SOME people" "Shut the fuck up class, there's a new teacher's aid joining the school's class today-", the teacher goes on about shit you just don't give a fuck about. "HEY... HEY HANAKO", you turn around again to mess with the burn scarred girl some more. "W-What is i-it?", she looks up from her book, this time not ignoring you. "Your breasts" "...H-Huh?" "Your breasts. They're... Just so pitiful. Like an orangutans, only less perky" Hanako narrows her eyes, this is the timid girl's way of showing she's not amused by your conjecture. She raises her book up, and uses it to shield her view of you. ...Pffft, like that'll stop you. "Your breasts, they're just... One of them is obviously bigger than the other. I'm surprised the other students haven't started calling you 'Biggie Smalls'" "...S-Shouldn't you be doing s-something... Y-You know, p-productive?" "Hey, I'm just speaking my mind out loud, everyone's thinking it" You turn back around, and are met with the gaze of a man you've never met before, but somehow seems familiar.

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"Class, this is the new teacher's aid... Uh... I don't believe I have your name-?", the classroom's teacher announces as the class attempts to pay attention. "I didn't give it", the man explains as he steps forward. ! Suddenly, all the female students in the class peer their way to the new teacher's aid. The man's got a white colored, surfer haircut and a deepingly sexy voice. He rips open his shirt to reveal his twenty-sex pack, and simultaneously, every girl in class seems to approach orgasm. ...Pfft, whatever guy, you already did that this morning. "BOO, GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU SUCK!", you yell at the white haired faggot. He spins around and points to you, in the most stylish way you've ever scene to rebuttal at your sudden outburst with the grace and eloquence of a dozen blue marine cranes, walking across moonlit water into the gentle night. "Fuck you, kid", the teacher's aid retorts, while posing like you usually do. "Ahhh~ He's so dreamy!", one of the hookers towards the back yells out as she clutches her cheeks. You don't know who this asshole is, but you immediately dislike him. He's going to pay dearly, that much is certa! The school bell rings, and almost as if the classroom was synchronized by Daft Punk, everyone stands up from their seat and walks around the room while four robots dance in front of the room. ...You'll fuck him up after lunch. You headbutt the classroom's door off the hinges and backflip down the hallway towards the school's cafeteria. You're sure to bulldoze over any students you dare ruin your stride. You crash through the lunchroom's doorway, jump up on top of a table whilst knocking the food off the top, spin around, and strike a Michael Jackson pose on your tippy toes.

582

"I NEED RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBS!", you yell to the sky, making the ceiling glass shatter. Within seconds but without reason, the sky begins to rain McDonalds McRibs. Ribs after Ribs descend upon your location and crash into the lunch table, slathering it in a barbecue sauce encrusted mess. "AND NOW-!", you spin around and point to behind the cafeteria lunch line counter, "I DEMAND KETCHUP FOR MY FRIES!" "Sorry, we're fresh out!", the blind lunch lady behind the counter announces. "Fuck you" You kick a pile of McRibs into a double amputee's face and slide on down the hallway on barbecue sauce. ! You see Hanako sneaking into the Library, presumably to eat her lunch in private. Well, not private for long, anyway. You also notice down the hallway, that dickish teacher's aid being hit up by a barrage of cripple school girls. ...The very sight seems to fill you with rage... But torturing Hanako always comes first. You must stick to your priorities. You creak open the library doorway and peek inside. ...Hanako's nowhere in sight, and neither is the librarian. Must mean she's gone to that little corner in the library where she usually tries to read her books in solitude. ...This seems like an opportune moment toThe theme song to the Pink Panther begins to mysteriously play in the background of the library. You tip toe around the corner of a nearby bookcase, to spot Hanako eating chocolate while looking through some books. ...

583

You take a couple steps forward. Hanako puts a green covered book into the bookcase and looks to her left. ... You take a couple more steps forward. Hanako puts another book into a column and peeks over to her right. ... You take a couple more steps forward, you're within grabbing distance of Hanako now. The shy burn scarred takes another bite of her chocolate bar and averts her gaze back over to the left side"HANAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!", you yell out as you take off your shirt and blazer and throw them into the air. "W-W-W-W-W-WHA-!?" ! You latch onto Hanako from behind and pick her up slightly, your hands running all over her body as you rub your face against her burn scarred cheek. "I'MA RUB MY RIB SAUCE ON YO FACE!" "A-AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", Hanako yells as she shakes about in fear. "OOOOH! YOUR BREASTS -ARE- PERKIER THAN I GAVE YOU CREDIT FOR BEFORE~!" "W-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!", Hanako screams, this time scared of something entirely different. "I BET I CAN SEE YOUR PANTIES!" "A-A-A-A-A-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" ! Hanako sinks her teeth into your hand like it was a chocolate sculpted Hisao figure. "NO! MY SAWAO AND EROQUIS HAND!"

584

The library door swings open and a familiar looking dickwad enters the room. "I heard screaming, what's that all abo-", the teacher's aid stops as he sees Hanako hanging off your hand. You swing the burn scarred girl around wildly, attempting to pry her off your hand. "HANAKO! HANAKO! COME ON! I WAS JOKING, SHIT! OUCH!" "R-R-R-R-REOW!", Hanako attempts to roar like a lion.... Pathetically. "Pffft... Hahaha, HAHAHAHAHA!", the teacher's aid begins laughing his ass off at the two of yours antics. "This is pathetic, simply too pathetic, I think I'm going to bust a gut!", the deep voiced man exclaims as he attempts to gasp for air. After a good minute or so of shaking Hanako off, she lets go, and her teeth are no longer gang raping your hand. ! The man immediately pushes you aside, with very little regard for your well being, and goes to check on Hanako, who's starting to calm down. "Daijobuu?", the man asks crispy-tan with a caring voice. "U-Umm...", Hanako immediately starts to blush through her burn scars, as the man takes a hold of her hands and looks her straight in the eyes. "You shouldn't be hanging out with a loser like him, he's absolutely no good for you, you understand?", the teacher's aid explains as Hanako regains her composure. "Oh, i-it's fine, I'm used to H-Hisao's weird behavior... T-Thank you for your concern", Hanako struggles to speak, currently awestruck at the moment. Alright. That's it. ! You grab a hole of the teacher aid's collar and pull him away from Hanako. "CALL ME!", the silver haired man exclaims to the burn ward victim.

585

You drag him through a group of deaf students who never heard you coming, and try to find a nice secluded area to kick his face in. "Hmm... You're sure in a hurry", the surfer looking man exclaims with a smirk, maintaining his cocky persona. "The sooner I drop you, the sooner I can return to throwing green paint on Hanako, dressing her up in a Santa outfit, pinching her nipples and calling her 'The Pinch'" You drag him into a secluded disabled playground, full of handicappable playground equipment. For some reason, there's a question in the back of your mind that won't stop screaming itself inside your skull, like an orgy of Michael Bay films. "...Who are YOU?", you roar out, a lion amongst sheep. "You haven't figured out it by now? Not surprising, I never was particularly bright." The man clears his throat and stands up straight while ripping open his shirt! H-He also seems to possess a heart surgery scar?! "I'm you. No, rather, I'm what you become", the white haired, slick surfer looking man proclaims. "HA! My own clown? Now neither of us will be virgins!" "Oh come now, neither of us are hardly virgins", the man makes a cocky smirk and crosses his arms, "I'm being serious, oh 'Destroyer of Cunts', if that's what you still call yourself. Stupid title really, you don't think about that now, but you'll think that way when you're me" "PFFFFT, you're me? Riiiiiiiight, don't make me laugh. I don't recall ever cloning myself, yet anyway. Explain further, before I beat you down for tarnishing my semi-good name" "Explain? Well...", the man claiming to be the future you shrugs it off, "I don't feel I need to, or rather, I'm here to kill you anyway. So it serves little point-" !

586

With little warning, the man summons a fist-shaped guitar from out of nowhere, as if it were willed from nothingness. !..! Your heart flickers, murderous intent filling the air. This man who claims to be you does indeed have every intent of murdering you...? A sudden jolt of lightning strikes the ground nearby, as the man strikes guitar strings on his now glowing instrument. An unusual sound begins to fill the air, as the power of rock suddenly rocks every fiber of your being. "This music is...", you think out loud to yourself. ...You know this song? Despite never hearing before? It's like it's something that's been carved into your soul!? Your silver haired, surfer looking double begins to play the greatest song you've ever heard in your life, nay, the greatest song ever to be played in all of existance. You suddenly jump to the side and plug up your ears, on some sort of instinct that's been carved into your DNA as well. *RRREEEOOOOORRREEEOOORRREEEEEOOOOOOO!* The guitar rips apart the very fabric of space where you were standing, and in it's place, a Quantum Singularity appears, sucking in everything and sucking the life, color, and volume of it's surroundings. However... Within a couple of seconds, it shrinks down in proportion and disappears from sight, like a flat chested loli Batman. "Well, that was mildly cool, but mild is always for limp wristed faggots", you stand up and peer over to the destroyed school grounds. The so-called 'Future Necktie' crosses his arms and spits out his next words with a certain amount of cynical satisfaction. "Hmmph, so you've managed to escape the 'Rock Opera of Bros', I'm impressed, though I shouldn't considering you're me. You would've been ripped apart by ancient 'Nordic Kinship', or rather, 'Nordic Broship'. It's something I picked up from Valhalla", your doppleganger explains as he tosses the amazingly majestic and brotastic guitar off to the side.

587

"Tsk, to think, I've met a man who makes less sense than me. It sickens my very being, sir!", you proclaim, as you dust yourself off and decide on the best course of action that inflicts the most amount of pain to this imposter that dares to tarnish the name of the 'Destroyer of Cunts'. "But of course, who knows you better than me, I am you. Just a more powerful and wiser you" "HA! There's no way you're me! I'd never attempt to kill myself, I LOVE myself!" "Evidently not, since I'm here. But I must give you credit where credit is due, a little present for surviving the song. Perhaps something about the future?", your future self explains with a smile. "Yeah, I still don't believe you. Besides, I'd never go for the faggy white hair style. I'm not some sort of peter puffer snowman" "Ah... Then perhaps this will prove it to you...?", Future Hisao proclaims as he assumes a very familiar pose and closes his eyes... ! YOU KNOW THAT POSE! -I AM THE BONER OF MY PANTS-, he chants out loud. YOU KNOW THAT PHRASE! NO... HE'S NOT...!? Within a matter of seconds, Future Hisao nearly finishes the chant, then clutches his chest like he's having a heart attack. "HHHHHNNNNNNNNNGGGGG.....! (UNLIMITED BRO WORKS!)" The air around you changes... The scenery around you shifts... You're standing on a hill, surrounded by giant brofists. ...He knows Unlimited Bro Works...? That means... He has -got- to be you... Probably... Kinda...

588

You're the only one who knows how to do that! Well, besides Kenji, who recently learned how to do it accidentally while having a bladder spasm. Future Hisao has successfully released a disabled reality marble that you now reside in, the hidden talent that exists inside your racist heart and libido. "Now... Do you believe me?" This is... This place is... The brofists are incredible, bigger and more powerful than the brofists you can create with your own broness... "Alright, fuck, why are you here, why do you wanna kill me, and why should I care?" "I'll summarize it, so that even you, with your miniscule and ADHD riddled mind can understand it. In the future, you become the 'King of Bros', after you leave this school. Using your ideal of brohood, you greatly influence pop culture and the world around you, soon everyone starts brofisting one another and falling under Kinship..." "Sounds ballan" "However, the public views such a thing as a fad, and like all fads, 'broship' quickly dies off for the next big thing. But that's fine, you weren't in it for glory, you were in it to brofist people and do what you always do" "Have orgasmicly awesome adventures?" "Oh, they were sweet... Sweet indeed. However, you soon realize what 'bros' or 'broship' truly are. The people you call bros now abandon you the first chance they get, to live better more selfish lives. Do not hate them for it though, they do it for good reasons, like raising a family or furthering a career. But ultimately, where does that leave one? An empty shell of a human being unfit to wipe their own ass. You see, at first, you didn't know why people started hanging out with you less and less, going off and ding their own thing and leaving you in the dust. But you understand, that such a thing comes along with growing up" "People do what they want, that's how it goes. You can't fault a bro for wanting to get his dick wet, I already understand that now!" "Ah, but what you don't understand, is the very message you want to get across. 'Broship'. The very concept of being bros is nothing more than a farce" "...What did you just say?" "Bros don't abandon bros, but it will always happen eventually, and thus,

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Broship doesn't really exist, and the only person you can rely on is yourself" "..." "And so, still idiotically dedicated to being a 'True Bro', like the manchild that you were and are, your overwhelming limbido and being the 'Child of the Broken Heart' gets you your own place in Brohalla, which is the highest point of Valhalla, amongst the greatest bros that ever were. Except, once again, you were disappointed. You see, even people who live for all eternity, will only be your bro for an extended amount of time. And once more, you were sidelined..." You stare intently at your future self, who's clearly been through more awesome shit then you could ever imagine... Who is now speaking as though he's spitting out each word. "That was NOT why I decided to dedicate myself to becoming a bro. I did not become a bro just so to see everyone who would be a fellow bro abandon me! To see everyone I helped turn their back on me at their leisure! SUCH A THING IS NOT CONSIDERED BROSHIP! SUCH A THING AS BEING BROS IS BUT A TEMPORARY IDIOCY DEVELOPED BY THE FEMINIST CONSPIRACY!" "..." "And after coming to this conclusion that all bros are fakers, I decided I know longer wanted to exist inside this farce known as reality, betraying my ideal with every second I drew breath... And so I got to thinking, if I were to use the Valhalla Guitar Axe to travel back to when I was happiest and murder myself, I'd uncreate my godlyhood through a paradox and wipe myself off this gay planet..." ! He takes a step towards you, murderous intent flaring up once more. "So you see, Hisao, the only way to escape this farce known as 'Katawa Broujo' is for me to end your life. And here we are. Now, I believe I've indulged myself in rhetoric long enough, it's time you met your death with the brofists you so enviously admire-" "Hisao... No, rather, 'King of Bros', let me ask you one more thing" "Hmm...? And what is that?" "Do you regret always trying to be there for your bros?"

590

"Of course, I- No, YOU should never of decided on becoming a 'True Bro'" "I see. Good. In that case, we're two seperate people" Alter Hisao stops in his tracks and narrows his murderous eyes filled with nothing but despair and rage at you. "...Nah Knee?" "Regret is something I will never do...", you decide to take a couple steps towards him instead, "-Especially- for my bros. I'll crush your mistaken douchebaggery with my own two brofists" "...Tsk.", Alter Hisao crosses his arms and spit in front of you, "That very thinking IS what caused all this in the first place" "I am Hisao Necktie, Destroyer of Cunts, I will never run, beg, or regret. This will never change, not in time, not in any form of reality" "It will after today" ! HISAO ALTER LUNGES AT YOU WITH THE BROTASTIC STRENGTH OF A MILLION BROS, AND SWIPES THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF YOU. "GAH!", you grunt, as the ground in front of you shatters in various fist-shaped imprints. "THE VERY THOUGHT OF DEDICATING YOURSELF TO OTHERS IS NOTHING BUT SELFISHNESS! AND A TRUE BRO CAN NEVER BE SELFISH, EVEN BY SHEER DEFINITION, YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A HYPOCRISY!" "THERE'S NO WAY BEING A BRO IS WRONG!" ! HA! You brofist your future self in the chest, and send him a couple feet away from you. "HAHA... THEN I GUESS THIS WILL JUST HAVE TO BE SETTLED ON THE BATTLEFIELD! OF COURSE YOU KNOW, TO BATTLE ME IS A CONTEST IN WHO IS THE BIGGER 'BRO'! CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH ME, THE GREATEST KING OF BROS?" "IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF ME KEEPING UP WITH YOU, BUT YOU KEEPING UP WITH ME!"

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"SUCH A COCKY ANSWER, VERY WELL, COME AT ME, DESTROYER OF CUNTS!" "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!", you scream out, as you use the reality marble to your own gain and attempt to flying brofist your future self. For minutes... Hours... Days... The battle rages on! Two men, two true bros who share the same destructive heart, fighting each other to the bitter DEATH! There's nothing more to discuss, you have to win and defeat Alter Hisao's misguided views on what a bro truly is! Something neither limited to sex, race, religion, or any other form of being! The city, the world, the galaxy, the universe, reality itself quakes between the power of your brofists. "ARE YOU SURE YOU STILL WANT TO BECOME A TRUE BRO?" "I WON'T BECOME ONE, I -AM- A TRUE BRO!!" "THAT'S EXACTLY THE MISTAKE I MADE! THERE -IS- NO SUCH THING!" Resisting the temptation to rebuttal, you attempt to quickly brofist your future self's face off... But fail. Indifferent to your attempt, he quickly disregards your brofist and returns one of his own, knocking you completely off your feet with awesome brodustic power. No matter this cost... You're not going to prove him right, however! "DAMN IT! I'M NOT LOSING TO A FAKE BRO LIKE YOU!", you yell out, as you brofist gravity and spin around in mid-air, and make a giant fist imprint into the ground as you land. "I thought as much... You still have no idea what it means to be a bro even after I've clearly explained it to you... Ignorant maggot", the future Hisao yells to the extraordinary boy with the heart condition. "Even if you could erase reality with your douchebaggery, I'd just recreate it with the power of my BROS!", you yell out, attempting to gather some sort of momentum against this fearsome foe.

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"Stupid kid...", the future Hisao spits out as he takes a couple steps towards you, "Your 'bros' will abandon you the first chance they get, friendship is something that never lasts. You'll soon come to realize it's nothing but circumstances and mistakes" "OF COURSE IT DOES! EVEN IF YOU LOSE YOUR FRIENDS OVERTIME, THEIR BROSHIP LIVES ON, WITHIN YOUR HEART AND MEMORIES! THERE'S NO WAY SUCH A THING IS A MISTAKE!" "FORGET IT!", he roars as a barrage of giant brofists form behind him. "There is no such thing as broship, you child" Before you rebuttle, a rain of a thousand Brofists now reigns upon you, pounding at your body without mercy as you attempt to match a thousand Brofists with your own two hands. "Respond to this, future King of Bros", the future Hisao roars out as he nonchalantly continues to descend a hell's worth of broness upon your body, "What makes a 'bro'?" "EH?! THAT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS! A BRO IS SOMEONE WHO LOOKS OUT FOR OTHER PEOPLE, SOMEONE FUN AND ENERGETIC WHO PUTS HIS FRIENDS ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE!" "As expected... You respond with such a stereotypical and idiotic answer. A BRO IS SOMEONE WHO NOT ONLY PUTS THE WEIGHT OF OTHERS ON HIS BACK, BUT THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD!", Alter Necktie announces as he punches you in the face. "SIMPLE THEN, YOU SAY I MUST CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IN ORDER TO BE A TRUE BRO!? THEN I'LL CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THE UNIVERSE!", you roar back, as your fist connects with his abdomen. Ticked off, Alter Necktie puts everything into his brofists, as if to say he's done playing around. "Can't even simply deal with the things you have in front of you, how pathetic...!", he exclaims in a low tone that grows in power. A Brofist the size of North Carolina descends upon you, imprinting your body into the ground underneath it's gigantic broness. ...No... You... Can't let... Ha... This faker.... WIN! Every fiber of your body screams in pain, every molecule of your being tears in agony, as you push giant fist off your body using nothing but your limbido.

593

Recapturing the moment, you stand back on your feet, bruised and battered. You hear your future self shout out something strange before...! ...You... Can't... Move!? It's as if time itself has frozen!? ! Alter Hisao is moving about just fine in front of you, with a cocky look on his face. He immediately jumps up in front of you, out of your field of vision. "NAH.... KNEE...!?" W-WHERE DID HE GO!? Using all your manlyness at your disposal, you slowly crack your head upwards, moving through time using nothing but willpower, and avert your gaze back to Alter Necktie! WHO NOW HAS A GODDAMN STEAMROLLER! "MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!", he shouts, as time continues the moment the steamroller lands itself on top of you. "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!", you yell out in distress. !..!..!..!..! You brofist the steamroller off of you continiously, your fists plowing into the cold hard steel and ripping apart as you punch the thing away from you and finally managed to slip out from underneath it! ...But at a heavy cost...

594

The steamroller collides into the hill of Brofists, creating a nice and powerful collision that you've managed to avoid... ...But... .. ... ....Oh no... Your fists are... ...Torn to shreds... You can't... Brofist in this condition... "Well... I am impressed with you, Hisao Necktie, you really are somewhat of a bro even if everything you said was entirely childish-", Alter Necktie descends upon you and shatters three of your ribs with a roundhouse kick to the chest. Your body goes flying into a nearby giant brofist, very painfully, flailing about like a ragdoll. You can't use Broworks... You can't use... ANYTHING he can't counter... Well. It seems you're in a hopeless sitation in a battle without victory. Tsk, and after all that tough talk before, you feel rather embarrassed. "Looks like you've finally come to understand... Pity it took you this long. But I realized I wouldn't have gone without a fight anyway, I chose this specific part of your life for that very reason, just to see how I'd respond. It's a little underwhelming, to be honest", Alter Hisao cracks his knuckles and neck, "But. I AM glad my pitiful existence is finally coming to an end-", Alter Neckite raises his hand up, and readies it for descention, "Goodbye, Child of the Broken Heart-" "You're wrong." "-Eh? Exactly what am I wrong about this time? I'm curious", Alter Hisao stops, but doesn't budge from his killstroke position.

595

"When you say people abandon you as a bro, they never really abandon you, rather, they live on, like I said before" "...Is that all?", Alter Hisao replies, discontent. "Naw... It's not... You see, I've just come to realize something now that my hands are useless and I can't brofist anymore" "Hurry this up." "The times you spend with people, the good memories you make, that's what being a bro's all about. That's what broship truly is, good memories with people whom you called friends and bros at the time. Something as trivial as a brofist doesn't do it justice, and thus, I've just now come to the realization... That this entire 'Unlimited Bro Works' thing, is fucking stupid" "...'The Power of Friendship'? Really? You're going to try and pull that card out? That's pathetic, EVEN by your standards" "No, not the 'Power of Friendship', it's the 'Power of Broship' I'm talking of, 'King of Bros'" "...Nah knee?" "It's not the brofists that matter, it's the people behind them that count. So why even make an entire physical plain filled with nothing but brofists? Wouldn't it make more sense to...", a sudden spark of power ignites behind your eyes, "Make a reality marble filled with bros?" ! You kick Alter Hisao in the nuts and backflip away from him, then close your eyes and look into your heart that's racist against living. "The ties I bonded with people, are even greater than that of a 'Brofist'. My bros live on in me, and with such, they will fight your idiotic misconception of 'Broness' with a brotastic ACTUALITY!" "NAH KNEE?", Alter Hisao shouts in surprise as he cautiously takes a step towards you. "...I am no longer the 'Boner of My Pants', but the boner that fills EVERY PANTS! THERE IS NO GREATER POWER THAN THIS, MY GREATEST ATTACK...!" You open your eyes and shout with a roar that surpasses Lions as your blood boils! -------------BRONIAN HETAIBROI!-------------

596

Behind you, within an instant, is an army of bros and bronesses, all ready to fight and brofist at your side. Rin, Hanako, Lilly, Emi, Misha, Shizune, Kenji, Blanka, E. Honda, T-Pain, Neil Patrick Harris, and many other bros are now behind you. "COME! I NEED YOUR BROFISTS! OFFER THEM TO ME, AND LET US PUT AN END TO THIS ENEMY OF ALL BROS!" "DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH BROFISTS, KING OF BROS?", you shout to Alter Hisao, with a blood vessel popping out. "TSK! OF COURSE I DO! MY BROFISTS ARE THE ONES OF LEGENDS! YOUR FEEBLE BROS ARE NOTHING BUT A WEAK FARCE! IF YOU CAN'T EVEN BE BRO ENOUGH TO HANDLE YOURSELF-", Alter Hisao yells out as he sends a barrage of Brofists towards your army of bros, "THEN DROWN IN YOUR BROFISTS AND DIE!" They immediately counter the brofists with their own, though not as big, in greater number and heart. Within seconds, Alter Hisao's brofists disappear into a broody mist of nothingness. "Listen up, King of Bros, I renounce your title and EVERYTHING you now stand for! You don't deserve that title anymore!" You take a step forward, and everyone behind you, with you. "You've lost." "FOOL! YOU CAN NOT KILL A GOD OF BROS!" "You're no longer a bro, you're nothing more than a douchebag" At your command, every bro in the universe, even alternate ones (Alter Hanako is a zombie), brofists the former King of Bros out of existance. Nothing remains of Alter Hisao, his ideal was the one that lost, because ultimately, he lost his path. Estranged from what a true bro is and will always be. You only hope these last few moments were reason enough to change his view. "It's my win, Necktie." The reality marble fades, and you're back on 4chan with other anons.

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"That was gay, let's make a dating sim with those disabled characters instead!", one guy suggests. "Ooh! Let's name the deaf girl 'Roza'!", a retarded anon with down syndrome announces. And that's how Katawa Shoujo was made.

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Katawa Houjo

599

The Movie The Game

You open the door stylishly and moonwalk inside. "Ah-no? Oh, g-good morning Hisao-", Hanako greets you while stirring her tea cup. "HOLD ON, I'M NOT FINISHED YET. GAWD!" You stand on your tippy toes, latch on to your crotch, and yell "HOOOOOOOOOOO". "..." "...Alright, I'm done", you say while shooting Hanako with a warm smile, "Good morning, Hana-banana" "You're always so... s-so weird", Hanako remarks with that cute frightened voice of hers. "Here, let me get that for you", you exclaim when Hanako motions for the table chair. "H-huh? O-Oh...OK..." You politely pull out the chair for Hanako, and let her plant her firm bottom down before pushing her back in. You politely and calmly pull out the chair adjacent to her and scoot it next to her. After pouring yourself a cup of coffee, you sit down next to Hanako, who still seems to get nervous around you. ...You show her the warmest smile you could muster. The instant Hanako sees it, her face (well half of it) turns bright red as she blushes, she turns away flustered. "Hanako...", you calmly whisper. "Y-Y-Y-Ye-Yes?", she frantically comments back. "Do you want to help me rape Lilly?" "WHAT!?" "Alright, well here's the plan, right? I got my hands on a bottle of roofies, yeah? And Lilly won't be able to see or taste the difference. Once she ingests the magical sleeping pills, it's party time"

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"Hisao, that's deplorable!" "Ain't I a stinker?" "That is the single most disgusting thing I've ever h-heard of!" "Why? It's not like she'll ever know" "WE'D KNOW" "So you're considering it?" "N-NO!" "What? You don't want to see Lilly's beautifully white skin? Her supple round breasts? Her 8 inch penis-" "LILLY DOES NOT HAVE A PENIS!" "How do you know?" "I...", Hanako stops. ... Oh good god, she's actually thinking about it. "Look, Lilly comes in, we engage her in some lofty conversation, a few roofies later, BAM! Glory town! So are you in or not?", you ask seriously while you pose like a faggot. "..." She appears to be considering it. You may have a shot yet-! "No. Absolutely not", Hanako explains while shooting you a cold stare. "Wha-" "I'm... I'm going to report you and warn Lilly!", Hanako yell as she runs out of the room with the air velocity of an Unladen Swallow. "W-wait!", you pathetically try to stop her.

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SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! You begin running after Hanako...But she's vanished... Hanako jumps down in front of you, causing you to fall backwards. "WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK BALLS!", you yell as you crash into the cold hard floor. "Just kidding~", Hanako puts on a troll face. "Don't fucking scare me like that, I know how to kill a man with my thumb!" "Who doesn't?", Hanako remarks slyly as you both walk back into the tea room. "So you're in, then?" "Y-Yes, but you are NOT, and I mean this, NOT doing anything other than touching", Hanako explains with a blush when she mentions the word 'touch'. "Fuck yes, you are the best two faced bacon girl I've ever met within the last five days" "And you're the best... W-Whatever the hell you are" "I'm complicated, baby", you smile with a shine and raise your thumb up. You and Hanako eagerly await Lilly... Both of you getting excited from the very thought of the so very wrong thing you both are committed to doing. ... ...But she sure is taking her sweet time. Fucking blind people, BUY A WATCH! "H-Hisao...", Hanako looks back to you with her legs beginning to put on a show. "What? You need to piss?" "N-No...", Hanako explains while she tugs at her crotch. "..." "..."

602

"...OOOOOOHHHH", you notice Hanako's pantyhose beginning to dampen. She's getting turned on, excited even. Well, you are too. It's to be expected, and... it can't be helped. "I see... It looks like I'll have to use 'that'" You pull Hanako towards you, placing her atop your lap, face to face. The icy cold tips of your fingers begin to run down Hanako's sides... "Ah~ At this rate...!", Hanako gasps. "He he he, you'll helpless before my... uh... fingers!", you cackle like an evil villain. Poor little Hanako, she's so weak and fragile, you didn't even notice! You fingers begin to dance at her sides, caressing her as it were... Hanako grabs you without a moments hesitation, and begins to grind again the tip of your knee, her hand finds it's way toward your crotch.... Her tits begin to rub again your manly exterior, though the half burnt breast isn't kinda hard not to take your eyes and mind off of. "You know, if Lilly came in here right now, she wouldn't notice if we were... say... more intimate", you comment like a sly dog. "Tehehe.." Your hands find their way to the top of Hanako's pantyhose line and begin to slowly work their way towards her bare ass. The cold touch of your fingers sends goosebumps down Hanako's spine, and her grinding begins to get more heated. "Well, you've played with me enough, time to return the favor-" You stick your hands between Hanako's panties... ...You stick your hands between Hanako's panties.

603

... Something's... off... "Uh.. Hanako?" "Yeah, Hisao?" "What is this?" "My penis" "WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!", you push Hanako off you, sending her flying onto the nearby table. "Ow..." "WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK-" ! ...You begin to feel dizzy... "Rin told me about your plan ahead of time, Hisao", Hanako remarks as she turns her head creepily. "OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD" "Did you like the tea I made?", Hanako half-flaccid done begins to grow. "B-BUT YOU DRANK SOME TOO, I SAW YOU" "I built up an immunity, Hisao" You drop to your knees. "Too bad you didn't" "Ara Ara, too bad indeed!", a familiar voice rings out. "LIL-LILLY!?", you yell as your limbs begin to paralyze. Lilly steps out of the shadows, her bottoms noticeable gone. ...

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Oh god... Lilly has a penis too. "OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME" "So very sorry you had to find out this way, Hisao. But don't worry, we will quite make this last as long as we want considering the tea room door is locked", Lilly explains as she walks towards you. "You... Bitch..." Their voices are nothing more than bells ringing in your ears now. You drift away, into a deep sleep.

605

Stardust Crewsaydurhurs
You hear the screeching of a chair You see the blind girl begin to stare You know there's cripples everywhe~re And it's cripple time again They've got you limping through the night It's cripple time again And you just might die of fright It's a HNNNGGifying time You hear the beating of your heart You know the HNNNNGGG is gonna start Here comes the really scary part And it's cripple time again They've got you limping through the night It's cripple time again And you just might die of fright It's a HNNNGGGifying time "HISAO! HISAO!", you hear Kenji pounding on your door only to realize there's a human sized hole in the wall from last night's cripple orgy. Kenji walks through nonchalantly only to find you passed out in a pile of vomit, urine, and skittles. Only two of which actually belong to you. "HISAO! WAKE UP YOU HEART FAILING CHUCKLEFUCK!", Kenji yells as he shakes your lifeless body, goo flapping every which way. "Wha... What?", you wake up, the smell of urine strangely turning you on. "SHREDDER'S ON THE LOOSE MOTHERFUCKER, HE JUST ABDUCTED THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND SENT HIS FOOT SOLDIER TO KICK YOUR SORRY ASS!" "...Oh that's cool" You get up lazily and inspect your filthy clothing. "Hmm..." "Dude, I came by to scoop you up and see if you wanted to go hawk loogies off the rooftop,

606

but fuck, you smell like a homo being strangled" "How can I smell like a soun- Whatever, Give me a minute", you wave to Kenji as you rip off your dirty clothes and dodge roll out your two story window. You land next to the foreign exchange student from Britannia. "I need your clothes", you explain while you walk towards him, naked. "W-WHOA WHA-", he blurts out before you headbutt him. You strip him down and put on his clothes, strangely now feel like a Hitman wearing a disguise. But this fixes the dirty clothes problem without actually cleaning your clothes. Everybody wins. Except the foreign exchange student who now has an concussion. You wave to Kenji as you make your way up to the rooftop with him to hawk loogies at unsuspecting cripples. "HAAAAAAWK- PUU", Kenji spits out a nasty loogy, missing it's target entirely. "Wow, if you were aiming for everything except your target, well you probably would've missed that too" "SHUT UP HISAO, I NEED TO GET INTO MY GROOVE!" "Pffft, stand back and watch a master at work", you step up. Dramatically, you walk up towards the end of the rooftop, the Unlimited Blade Works theme begins to play in your mind. "UNLIMITED LOOGY WORKS!", you shout as your face ejaculates spits profusely onto the heads of many unamused students. "TSK, PATHETIC!", Kenji boasts as he takes a shot of whiskey. He pathetically makes his way toward the end of the roof and"BLAAAAAAAAHHHHH" -Throws up onto a group of female students talking about boys. "EEEEK!"

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"EEEEEWWW" "LIKE OH MY GOD" They yell in unison. "BWAHAHA, TAKE THAT BITCHES!", Kenji boasts as he swabs his drink. How the fuck are you gonna beat that? You pull down your pants, exposing your flaccid dong to the cold winter air. "I COMMAND YOU, IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER, TO RISE!", you yell at your penis. In no time, your dick is the size of a flagpole. ... Well maybe a hot dog. "ATATATATATATATATATATA", you exclaim as you fap at half the speed of The Flash. "OH GOD, HAHAHA, HISAO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN-", Kenji yells out, drunk out of his fucking mind. "YOU HAVE ALREADY CAME!", you explode like a supernova. T-This is probably the biggest load you've ever shot. You arm yourself in a direction where no students would be. This is way too much for any one human to take. In slow motion, you see the thick white stuff leave your hammer of justice, and below it... ...You see Hanako. "Eh?", Hanako looks up as she notices the sun glimmer off your erection. A thick line of semen lands in Hanako's face, much to your surprise, probably much more for hers. "Oops", you exclaim as you see Hanako below you freeze in motion. She wipes off the goo from the burnt section of her face... She examines it in wonder for a few moments.

608

Before she realizes. Hanako begins to bubble up and sniffle, her eyes begin to burn, and her body begins to shake. You and Kenji duck behind the air conditioner and hide. Hanako begins to cry so loud, the entire campus looks her way. She runs inside, tears and semen flowing off her face, in a panic. Hanako appears before you, a knife in hand. "Well, I should've seen this coming" "...", Hanako looks at you with blood red fury. "...Because it looks like you did!" DA NA NA NANA! The End. You and Rin are sitting together alone in the Art Room, her legs are swinging nonchalantly. "Well, we're snowed in", you say the obvious. "It appears so", Rin replies in her usual non-caring tone. "Wanna... I don't know, play a board game or something?" "I'm not in the mood" "Alright..." The two of you return sitting quietly adjacent to each other, waiting for something to happen. "I'm getting pretty bored", Rin points out. "Yeah, me too" "A little hungry as well"

609

"Yeah, me too" "I feel like tasting a dick" "Yeah me too-" Rin shoots your way with a cocky bat of her eye lash. "Oh you bitch" You hear a knock coming from the classroom entrance. Emi bursts through the doorway, carrying a camera with the red light still on. "HEY RIN! Hisao.", Emi greets the two of you while prodding about on her artificial legs. "Where'd you get the camera?", you ask as you rapidly think of the best way to snatch it from her. "Teacher gave it to me, it's for a project! A HEALTH project!" "Cool but not really", Rin adds as she crosses her legs. "COME ON YOU GUYS, DO SOMETHING!", Emi blurts out as she rocks about the room with the camera in focus. "Like what?", you ask as you begin to grow annoyed. "I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING HEALTH RELATED!" "Like...?" "JUMPIN' JACKS?" "No" "SIT-UPS~" "No" "OH OH, LIFT UP RIN AND USE HER LIKE A BARBELL!" "No" "Take your pants off", Rin blurts out in a serious tone.

610

"No- Wait what?" "I have an idea, probably not a smart one but I'm not in the mood for logical reasoning", Rin explains as she places her foot on your pants leg. "...Go on...", you give her your full attention. "We have a camera, something of which is used to record various activities", Rin's cold toes begin to seep into your pant's waist. "I know what a camera does, just not what you have in mind" "We should make a pornographic film" Emi freezes in place with shock as she stares at Rin's dead serious face. "T-That seems like more trouble than it's worth" "Oh no trouble at all, right Emi?" "Ah...", Emi looks back towards you. ...She actually seems to be considering it. "Emi, don't tell me you're actually thinking about this", you ask as you take Rin's foot out of your pants. "I'll be honest Hisao, I'm not completely against it-" "Oh come on, we don't know anything about making porn" "I do", Rin explains as she looks up to you. "Yeah, Rin does", Emi adds. "...Well, alright then", you sway towards the two's devious plan. *KNOCK KNOCK* Somebody else seems to be knocking on the door, and entering without asking. This room needs a lock. Misha appears with a headset and listening equipment.

611

"I COULDN'T HELP BUT HEAR HIICHAN AND RIN TALKING ABOUT MAKIN' PORN, WAHAHA" "How long... were you out there?" "SILLY HIICHAN, TALK IS CHEAP!", Misha adds as she begins to set up audio equipment. "Uh...", you take a minute to take in all this new information. "Ready, Hisao?", Rin asks as she scoots over towards you. "R-Right now?" "No time like the present, Hiichan!", Misha blurts out. Emi walks over towards you, and covers her mouth with the back of her hand. "Pssssst, Hisao, who's the pink haired ditz?" "That's Misha" "Misha? What's her disability?" "I don't know-" "I think she's an alien", Emi strikes you a serious gaze. "Misha's not an alien, I think" "Hisao", Rin butts in with her butt. "Yes, Rin's butt?" "Do you prefer to be on top or on the bottom?" "Surprise me" "What's your porno name, Hiichan?", Misha asks as she takes out a clipboard. "I, DIO, WILL BECOME THE GREATEST PORN STAR OF ALL TIME", you add as you begin to strip. "Hisao wait, you should strip while the camera's rolling", Emi adds.

612

"Too late, I'm naked", you explain as your hammer of justice shines. "Alright", Emi states. "Alright", Rin states. "Alright", you state. "ALLLHALLLLRIGHTY THEN", Misha states. ... Uh.. "So... What do we do now?", your brain fills with fuck. "Usually we start out with dick sucking", Rin explains while she kneels next to you. "Rolling on three... two... Quite on the set!", Emi shouts enthusiastically. "LIGHT ARE ON AND READY CAPTAIN, WOOHOO LET'S SEE SOME FUCKING ACTION!", Misha blurts out. "GODDAMMIT MISHA, SHUT UP", Emi slaps the back of Misha's head. You feel Rin's warm breath on the tip of your penis, her lips begin to press against the head. The warm moist feeling is enough to make the tip of your dick swell"YEAH, YEAH! SUCK THAT COCK! SUCK THAT COOOOOOOCK!", Misha screams as she gets into the scene. "DAMMIT MISHA, SHUT UP", Emi slaps the back of Misha's head. "Sorry dude, sorry", Misha apologizes. This didn't seem to break Rin's concentration though... As she begins to suck the very tip of your cock. "H-Hey, take it slow!" Rin pays a deaf ear to your needs as she begins to engulf the entire head of your member. You can feel her tongue circulating around, tasting every spot she can, leaving no spot left unchecked-

613

Misha opens a bag of chips and begins to chow down as loudly as she can without noticing. "MISHA...", Emi turns around in anger. "Want some? Wahaha!" "Awwight I cah't do wis", Rin speaks out with her mouth full. She releases your dick from it's warm and moist imprisonment. A stream of saliva follows Rin's mouth as she pulls away. Rin cleans her mouth off with a tissue using her toes. "N-No wait!", you yell out as you walk towards Rin. "I'm not in the mood anymore, Hisao", Rin explains as she gets up and exits. "Yeah, I'm not doing this without Rin", Emi exits with her. You stand there naked, frozen in shock. ...Misha you cockblocking bitch... Misha looks your way in wonder and dries her fingers of the chip residue using her shirt, then walks over while she begins to undress. "Misha, don't you fucking dare" "IT'S MY TURN TO FUCK HIICHAN, WAHAHA!" Misha pounces on you like a tiger, making you fall backwards in the process. "OH GOD" "FUDGE ME NOW, HIICHAN, FUDGE ME NAH!", Misha yells while she begins to dry hump you. You collapse on the table next to your back, which collapses in on itself due to Misha's extra weight. "MISHA NO, NOT LIKE THIS!", you scream for your life. "TOO LATE HISAO! IT'S DRILLING TIME!" Misha grabs hold of your still erect member with her cold fingers and directs it underneath

614

her skirt... You notice her panties are jiggling around her ankle. "NOOOOOOOOOO!", you yell as she begins to insert the tip and rape you. "AH YEAH, THAT'S THE STUFF, WAHAHA!" Misha begins to rock her hips, yelling "ORA!" at every thrust. "STOP! PLEASE! STOP!" "MUDADA HIICHAN, I'M ALREADY CUMMING, WAHAHA!", Misha explains with her tongue going every which place. Misha's laugh massages your dick just right! You're beginning to ejaculate!? "OH GOD MISHA'S GOING BLIND! W-WAIT I'M MISHA!", Misha yells as she finishes with the intensity of a thousand Dragonforce concerts. ... "Ah... That was refreshing Hiichan!", Misha looks down. "...H-Hiichan?" You lay there motionless, your hands clutched firmly around your heart. "Oops" -Death is not a hunter unbeknownst to its prey. Hisao challenges Death to a game of spike ball four-square. Wins. Comes back. Defeats DIO. Marries all the girls attending Yamfucku High. In twenty years the world will be crawling with him. Everyone lives happily ever after. The End. Except for Rin of course, who dies of breast cancer shortly after.

615

Poker & Dio Brando

How many times do you think Hisao has died? Would you say... *Woosh* 10 million? You cock-slam the door open to the Student council room and dodge-roll inside. "I SENSE ANOTHER STAND USER IN THIS VERY ROOM... THAT CAN ONLY MEAN-!" You hear a slow-clap. Shizune is sitting at the very end of the Student Council room circular table, the Science book lying on the middle of the table makes it look like a giant titty. "SHIZUNE! TIMAY...", you tip your non-existent hat in anger. "AND MISHA TOO! WAHAHA~", Misha appears out of the shadows, wearing a ridiculously colorful and complex outfit, complete with it's own stereo system. "Yare Yare Daze, were you expecting me or something?" "Hiichan, you weren't exactly silent. We heard you running around outside smashing into peoples cars yelling 'WHERE IS DIO BRANDO' to random ongoers", Misha states. "Bullshit, Shizune's deaf, and you're about as bright as a bag of toenail clippings" "But not blind! Wahaha~", Misha states as she points out the window towards the chaos you inflicted on the populous off-screen. "Ah, I'm sure they're used to that by now, BUT ENOUGH OF THAT, WHERE IS DIO!? WHAT IS DIO'S POWER!?", you begin walking towards the two in a weird pimp stride. "...!", Shizune begins signing with a satisfied expression. "My fortune is yours for the taken Hiichan, but I've left everything I own in One Piece!" ... "What?", you ask while scratching your head. "....!?!", Shizune signs furiously to Misha.

616

"That's not what I said Misha, you pink haired ditz- Oh wait, I'm Misha", and then Misha was Misha. "I've lost track of what's going on, quite honestly", you speak in perplexity. "...!" "Wahaha~ If you want to know, you must defeat me in a game of Uno!" "..." "No wait, I mean Poker" "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED YOU HARLOTS, TIME TO NUT UP OR SHUT UP", you speak as you sit down dramatically and whip out your dick. "..." "Hiichan, what are... you doing?", Misha/Shizune asks with a half-cocked expression. "What? I thought we were playing poker? You know, where I poke her", you explain to Misha. "...!" "That's not how you play Poker you dolt!" "I was kidding, goddamn, where the fuck is your sense of humor?" "Hiichan, Shiichan wants you to bet your soul!", Misha explains cheerfully, probably not even listening to the words that are cumming out of her mouth. "Hmmph", You blurt out as you man up. "I bet... MY SOUL!" "HIT ME, MISHA", you yell as you tap the table. "Hiichan, that's not..." "Bitch, don't you come up in my court unless you want your shit rocked" "...!", Shizune signs towards Misha.

617

"Ooooh, Misha, I have a straight flush!", Misha blurts out as she translates. "...!?!?!?!" "Goddammit it Misha, you weren't suppose to say that- Oh whoopsie!" "HAHA! This game is so in the bag. I have a hand that is even greater than that of the Straight Flush! I call you Shizune, I'm all in!" "...!" "GOOD!", Misha translates as she points at you and smiles. Now comes the deciding factor, the decisive moment, will you be able to defeat Shizune in a battle of wits!? Will you finally learn the secret to DIO's Stand!? Will Phantom Blood ever get a DVD release!? THE LAYER OF INTENSITY IS SO GREAT YOUR STOMACH FEELS LIKE A RAGING FIRE BUILDING UP, JUST WAITING FOR COMBUSTION ON THE FULLEST SCALE IMAGINABLE"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!", you scream as you lay down your cards. "...!", Shizune slams her hand to the table as if the very hand of God itself sends it from the heavens. ... ..... .............! "GO FISH!", you yell as you signal the victory music and triumphantly pose naked for the masses. "...." "Uh... Hiichan, we're not playing Go Fish" "Huh?", you turn your gaze towards the two in confusion. "You don't even have a two of a kind!", Misha points out. "Is that bad?" "You've.. Uh... Lost the game, Hisao", Misha puts on a disappointed frown. "SON OF A HORSES ASS"

618

"....!" "And now Hiichan, your soul is mine! Wahaha!" You punch Misha in the tits"OW, SHIT!", your scream as your hand breaks. You scramble to the ground and urinate on yourself. "You done, Hiichan?", Misha scoffs it off in accomplishment. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUR TITS MADE OF?" "....!" "Shiichan will let you go if you perform one thing and one thing only for her!" "NEVER!", you scream as you punch Misha in the tits again, breaking your other hand in the process. Misha crosses her arms in frustration. "Thinking about reconsidering, Hiichan?", Misha states as she twirls around and poses. You swallow up your pride and give in to Shizune's demands. It'll probably be something trivial like hurting yourself or doing something humiliating. Who cares, anything's better than relentlessly getting ass-devastated by a pair of talking breasts. "FINE, I'LL DO IT", you shout as you get up slowly and walk over to Shizune. "..." Shizune looks up to you with a confused look.. Wait, confused? What the hell's her problem? "Uh... So what is it?", you ask again, only this time, with general intrigue.

619

Shizune gets up slowly and stares at you for a good thirty or so seconds... ... You're really getting nervous now. "So...?" "...", Shizune replies with silence. "Uh..." "...." "..." "...?" "CHRIST, WHAT IS IT!? SPIT IT OUT!", you yell in frustration. Shizune picks up a piece of paper and points towards the doorMisha takes the hint with a half-cocked look at walks outside. ... Well, that's weird, is she about to ask you to do something embarrassingShizune finishes scribbling on the piece of paper and hands it to you. You take your gaze off her for a second to read the paper. You peer downwards to see what it says... *Hug Me* ... ? You look back up to Shizune, who has her arms fully extended outwards towards you.

620

"I'm not... entirely sure this isn't a trap" "...", Shizune remains in the same stance, her figure reaching out to you and refusing to budge from the spot. ... What should you do? Upon much consideration, you decide to... You walk towards Shizune, cautiously, and extend your arms out slowly. Carefully... Shizune begins to jiggle her arms up and down, like a baby wanting a bottle. Carefullllllyyyy... You place your arms around Shizune back, and she does the same.... Shizune buries her face into your manly chest and grasps you firmly. .... ....... "Uh..." .... ........... She's not... letting go? "Shizune? You about... done?", you ask her face to face clearly so she can lip read you. She shakes her head and resumes to hugging you. .... *Sigh*

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You leave the room, Shizune still firmly wrapped around you, and go see what Kenji's up to. You walk around for hours, doing daily tasks and generally messing about. ...And she's still holding onto you, like she's afraid you'll disappear if she lets go. *Sigh* "Hey Hisao!", you hear a familiar cheerful tone approaching you... awkwardly. You can't see... over Shizune's hair. "Emi, if that's you, honk twice" "How do I honk?" "Like this", you reach out from Shizune's grasp and latch onto Emi's chest. "Honk Honk", you blurt out as you grope Emi. "...", Shizune doesn't even notice. "Yup, it's you Emi. Only you would have a chest that flat" You feel an intense hatred begin to fill the air. "Alright, I'm sorry Emi. I'm just not having... a very Sphadoinkal day", you explain as you wave your apology. "Huh? Looks like you two lovers are all lovey dovey, what's wrong?" "I spent the entire day trying to find out the secret to DIO's stand, but I've come across nothing. And the only one who knows anything can't even talk, that's a lot of help, the hugging isn't helping either-" "Umm... Hisao?" "What?" "Haven't you figured it out yet?" "Figured what out yet?" "Hisao"

622

"What?" "You ARE DIO!" "HOLY SHIT AWESOME!", you yell out as you blast the nearby restroom building with eye lasers. "AH, WHAT THE FUCK!", the guy inside screams as he walks out from the rubble with his pants down. "I, DIO, HAVE NO NEED FOR PUBLIC RESTROOMS!", you shout as you send The World out and break the guys neck. "Hisao, really, sometimes I have to wonder if this plot was written by a deranged escaped monkey" "I HAVE ZA WARUDO ON MY SIDE, CUNT, I AIN'T GOTTA EXPLAIN A THING-" Shizune squeezes you even tighter. "Ugh... Even I, DIO, am confounded by this situation", you rationalize a plan. Ah! You know just the thing! "...?", Shizune feels something poking her leg. "WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYY!", you scream as you shove your newfound erection up Shizune's skirt. "...!", She moans in pain. "Well, that didn't shake her off, but for no matter, I, DIO, need fresh blood to live!", you explain as you take Shizune's virginity in a flash. "Eek! Hisao, what are you doing!?", Emi shouts as she tries to even understand what's going on anymore. "....!", Shizune motions herself like she's having an orgasm. "I, DIO, now feel refreshed. Time for class", you talk in third person as Shizune falls off you.

623

... "On second thought, I, DIO, have no need for such petty things as 'School'" You jump up into the air and summon a Steam Roller, crashing into the school in a satisfying orgy of explosions. "I think now, that I, DIO, will enjoy a round of children's television in the wreck room" You make your way into the lobby area...But the TV seems to be broken. "No broken, I, DIO! Will fix this in a jiffy" You jump into the air and summon a Steam Roller, crashing into the side of the building and demolishing about a fourth in the process. "Ah who cares, this show sucks anyway", you explain as you walk outside. ! Suddenly, you have the need to shit, and shit like no other! You make your way into the demolished public restroom building, the only stall left is occupied. "Not a problem" You jump up into the air and summon a giant Steam Roller. You crash into the bathroom stall, killing whoever was inside and destroying what was left of the building. "Wait a minute, Vampires don't have anuses...", you remember out of the blue. "HISAO! HISAO!", Emi comes running at you. "What is it now?" "YOU CAN'T JUST SOLVE LIFE'S PROBLEMS BY DROPPING A STEAM ROLLER ON TOP OF IT!" ... You shoot Emi a irritated look. You jump up in the air and summon a giant Steam Roller-

624

... You pose yourself a question. What if you... DIO... Jack yourself off using THE WORLD!? "Hmm..." You send out The World, and watch as it reaches into your pants. ...Wait... Is this gay? ... Or masturbation? "Is there an etiquette to this, or am I, DIO, going to have to make one-" "Hey Hiichan, whatcha doin!?", Misha butts in from out of nowhere. "I'm using my Stand to jack myself off" "Oh", Misha looks at you funny and walks off. Carefully... Carefully... "Hey Hisao, is that a Steamroller you're standing on top of or is this a sexual innuendo?", Rin asks as she emerges from the background. "Go away, Rin. I, DIO, am preoccupied with prior engagements" "...You're gonna rip your dick off" "What?" "If you're gonna use a Stand to masturbate, you're gonna rip your dick off" "You can see my Stand?" "No, but your pants are unzipping itself, so either the problem is in your pants or you're having a ghost jack you off" "You don't know what you're talking about, you've never had a dick before. I know the capacity and durability of my own reproductive organs, leave me wench!" "...Can I atleast watch?"

625

"Is Dio Brando gonna have to choke a bitch?", you blurt out as you begin the ceremony. "Fine, I'll go. But remember I told you so", Rin sighs as she walks off. "I got you, my dick! You may not realize it but you just lost to DIO in this game of wits! Alright, let's start slowly...-" MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA "AHHHHHHHHH! MY DICK!", you shout as you rip your dick off, ripping yourself apart vertically in the process. "I-IMPOSSIBLE... FOR I, DIO, TO BE BEATEN LIKE THIS! I-IMPOSSIBLE! IMPOSSIBLE!!!!", you scream your last words. Blargh. You explode into a fine mess of blood fountain. Could be worse though. You could of died being Star Fingered.

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Now in Technicolor
HANDLESS HANDJOBBAN LEGLESS FOOTMASSAGAN MISHA MISHAN You pimp strut your way into the Art Room, Rin appears the only one inside as usual. She's sitting on the windowsill like before, the wind blowing through sends a shiver down your spine and"I JIZZED IN MY PANTS!", you yell out loud as you action pose. "Morning, Mr. Necktie", Rin greets you with a croissant in her mouth. "Rin, today's your lucky day" "I don't think luck's gonna play a huge part in it-" "For I, Hisao Necktie, will lend my arms to you and let you use them as if they were your very own!" "Oh" "...Oh?" "Oh." "How is that 'OH'!? I'm trying to give you a HAND, I mean, I don't expect a THUMBS UP or a HIGH-FIVE but your apathy kinda kills any enjoyment and initiate I had in coming up with this idea ten seconds ago" "No offense, Hisao, but I know this is probably some stupid ruse you cooked up" "Do you have anything ELSE going on today?" "...I could think of something but not right off the top of my head-" You storm over towards Rin, take her off the window, and shove your arms through her shirt and out he armholes. "I AM SHEVA, GOD OF DEATH", you scream while masking your voice poorly.

627

"..." "..." "...Now what?", Rin asks honestly as she turns her head to you. "You could finish eating lunch!" You push Rin towards her lunch, picking her up with her shirt unknowingly and reach out for her food. "J...Just give me a second-", you explain as you feels around for her food. You brush by it once and lose touch of it. "FUCK" "Hisao, this isn't going to work" "Shut up, you're talking to your new hands. Hands don't talk back, stupid", you shoot back while you infuriately reach around for Rin's food. IT HAS TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE*Snap* "AAAAHHHHAAA, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?", you yelp in pain as you bring your hand around to see. ...There's a mousetrap latched on. "HOW, WHAT, WHY" "Know what, I don't think I'm hungry anymore", Rin states in her oblivious apathetic voice. "ALRIGHT.", you move around to position the both of you more comfortably. "What now, Rin?" Rin peers back towards you with sparkling eyes, her face set on permanent puppy dog pow mode. "I need to pee"

628

"WHOA HO HO NELLY" "I still feel as though our relationship isn't on that level yet, however", Rin states rather plainly. "That raises another question I've been meaning to ask you for some time, Rin" "Is it how I wipe?" "N-... Well..." "Toilet shoots a stream of water up my-" "Forget I asked" "So if you would please let me go so I can properly use the restroom-" "NO, SHEVA BOWS TO NO MAN" You pick up Rin with her sleeves yet again, against her objections. "Dammit Hisao, let me go" "ATLEAST LET ME WALK YOU TO THE BATHROOM" "I don't want you to!" "IT'S MY DUTY AS A MAN, AND AS YOUR EVER FAITHFUL HANDS" "I'm not joking, I need to go right now" You pick Rin up and burst through the Art Room door with gusto. "WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO" "So... let me go" "No!" "Let me go... Please?" "No!" "Hisao, I'm warning you"

629

You approach the girl's restroom "NEIN FRAULEIN-" Rin interrupts your rhetoric by kicking you straight in the dick. This causes you to stumble backwards into the Girl's restroom with Rin still planted on you. "AYAAAAAHHHHH", you yell as you crash on the well maintained and shiny floor. ... Wow, the Girl's Bathroom is... pretty. This is way better than the Boy's, you need to start coming in her more often. No wait, you're a dude. Chick's don't dig that kind of thing. *Snap* You got it, dressing up like a trap"Hisao, a little bit of... help", Rin blurts out as she struggle to move with you still in her arm sleeves. "NOT A PROBLEM MISS, I'LL HELP YOU RIGHT UP SO YOU CAN STAIN THAT POOPER BOWEL YELLOW-" ? "Uh.. Rin?" "What?" "My arms are... stuck inside your shirt" "There is no way my luck is that bad", Rin comments. "AIN'T NOTHING BUT A G THANG, HERE, LET ME HELP YOU INTO THE RESTROOM-" You pick up Rin and stumble, falling face first into the bathroom stall, mistakenly initiating the toilet's "cleaning" process. "BLAAARRRRGGGHHH", you gurgle out loud as the water stream shoots into your face. "H-Hisao?", Rin asks as she gets drenched as well.

630

"I-IT'S IN MY EYES!", you scream. ! The door opens behind you, Emi walks into the Girl's Restroom"E-Eh!?", she confusingly yells out as she sees you, with your arms stuck through Rin's shirt, being shot in the face with toilet water. "HEY EMI!", you wave to her. ...She slowly traces her peg legged steps back to the door and exits cautiously. The room goes quiet. Looking back, all of this was probably the worst idea you've had all week. "...Hey Hisao", Rin suddenly speaks up, breaking the silence. "Yes... Rin?" "I don't have to pee any more" "HISAO, HAVE YOU HEARD!?", Kenji blurts out one afternoon as the two of you are peeing off the side of the building. "I've heard a great many things, I've come to understand the truth about my legend. Would you like to hear it?" "NO, Dude, pssst, dude. OK, man, listen up", Kenji motions his way towards you without losing peeititude. "Fine.." "There's a rumor going around, about a ghostly presence that's been HAUNTING the ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL" "Neat" "THEY SAY IT COMES OUT AT NIGHT, ON A FULL MOON, DURING HEAVY FOG, AT 12:00, ON A TUESDAY...!" "Cool story, but there's no such things as Ghosts, brodudeguy"

631

"AHHH, SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S FUCKING SCARED. YOU WANT TO GO PICK UP SOME TAMPONS FOR YOU, YOU FUCKING YELLOW DICKED COWARD OF A OCTOPUS CUNT" "Kenji, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm gonna hit you with my SPIRIT GUN" "The what-" "And it's gonna hurt like FUCK" "Whatever, it's not your fault you're not MAN enough to uncover this mystery" "Is this gonna lead to a DARE?" "YOU'RE DAMN MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT IT IS, I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO SPEND TONIGHT AIMLESSLY WANDERING AROUND SCHOOL GROUNDS LOOKING FOR A GHOST" "And miss out on my precious masturbation time? You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bitch" "Whatever, but you have to admit, you're interested, Hisao" You suppose.. you may be. Later that night... You sneak into Yamfucku High, set the music of the 70's... And wearing a Ghostbuster's outfit. After closing the window you snuck through behind you, you yell "COCK RUM COCK RUM, 29 BUTTS. GUACAMOLE, PASTA, EMO EMO CUTS" ... You're not quite sure why you just did that. "ALRIGHT, ENOUGH WASTING TIME. IT'S TIME TO CATCH A FUCKING GHOST" You kneel to the ground and Genuflect. ...! ! !! ?

632

You feel a slight tingle in your ear, you touch it with your fingers to scratch it"SNAKE, COME IN SNAKE" ... ? A middle aged man's voice being to echo throughout your brain. "Jesus?" "HELLO HELLO, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" "Hisao N- Where the fuck is that coming from? Are you the Ghost?" "NEGATIVE, MCDONALD'S IS THE HOME OF THE BIG MAC" "What?" "THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT BEST BUY, WE HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY" "You're not making any sense-" ! !! "UGH AH!", you scream as you feel something tearing apart your insides. You rip your shirt and notice a huge bump pulsating on your chest. "NAHNEE!?-" The bump develops a face and opens it's mouth, still inside your skin WRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY "OH GOD, WHY DID I GENUFLECT-" A hundred flying cocks burst out of your stomach and ejaculate copious amounts of skittles around you as you fall to the ground and burst into treats. You Died.

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SCOO-BY DOO-BY DOO SCOOBADEEDOO You walk cautiously towards the Library entrance, taking care to bring along your ghost proof underwear you bought off Ebay. You stick your head inside the doors"ARE THERE ANY GHOSTS IN HERE? YOU DON'T NEED TO ANSWER, BUT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO SNEAK UP BEHIND ME IF I WALK INSIDE AND STARE AT SOME MYSTERIOUS CLUE FOR A MINUTE AND SPOOK ME. BECAUSEM I MEAN, FUCK MAN, IT'S 2011. ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING CHEAP SHIT" ... There's no response inside the room. "I'M ENTERING, BUT I WARN YOU, IF YOU'RE IN HERE I'M CARRYING A WATERGUN FULL OF HOLY WATER!" ... "I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE IF THAT ACTUALLY WORKS ON GHOSTS OR NOT, I MEAN, I GOT THE IDEA FROM A SUPER MARIO GAME. BUT IF YOU'RE NOT A CHRISTIAN OR SOMETHING, I'LL BAPTIZE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU" ... "ALTHOUGH I'M NOT REALLY SURE IF THIS IS HOLY WATER OR NOT, I MEAN, IT COULD BE KOOL AID FOR ALL I KNOW. I STOLE IT FROM A BLIND/DEAF/AND POSSIBLY MENTALLY RETARDED BOY AFTER TAKING HIS LUNCH MONEY. I REALIZE THAT WAS PROBABLY A DICK MOVE, BUT THAT FUCKING SNICKERS BAR WAS WORTH IT-" ! You see something move in the corner of your eye, it moved behind the bookcase... "AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH", you roar as you start pumping the squirt gun in your hands up and begin spraying the room with water. Explosions explode behind you, triumph music blares, and your face swells red with rage"S-S-Stop! Stop Stop Stoooop!", you hear a familiar shy girl's voice. ...

634

"Hanako?", you ask as you lower your WEAPON. Sure enough, the scarred girl you've come to know and love creeps out from behind the staircase. "SO YOU'RE THE GHOST OF YAMFUCKYOU HIGH, IT ALL MAKES SENSE! THE DISAPPEARANCES, THE MURDERS, THE INCONTINENCE-" "B-But I haven't done any of those things!" "I know, I'm just trying to make this fucking dramatic. This place is quiet as fuck, dark as fuck, and fuck as fuck and it's starting to creep me out." "Why are y-you wearing pajamas?" "This is a Ghostbuster's outfit" "....A what?" "Seriously? SERIOUSLY? You can't be serious- Wait no, what the hell are you doing here, Hanako?" "I-I like to come here at night when nobody's around..." "Cause it's quiet?" "N-No..." "Cause you're afraid of other people?" "Partly..." "Then.. Why?" "I like... To read scary stories in the dark. S-Sometimes I mean" "You couldn't do that in your own room?" "There's atmosphere here..." "OK OK, but have you SEEN a Ghost around here? Just.. Ya'know... GHOSTING it up in this bitch?" "...", Hanako stares at you intently.

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"...?" "...!", her eyes widen. "...There's one behind me, isn't there?" YOU LOOK BEHIND...But see nothing. "Hmm?" You examine left and right and see nothing. "Hanako, what the fuck are you looking at?" "I-I-I... G-G-G-G..." "Ghost? WHERE?" "I-I don't know, I thought I saw a.. f-face behind you" "YEAH WHATEVER, STUPID" You spin around, covering your bases and checking your 6. "I think you're just seeing things, Hanako" "H-Hisao, I know what I saw-" ! Hanako begins to levitate slowly. "-And I'm pretty... sure I saw a... face... W-Why are you getting smaller?", Hanako asks, still oblivious to what's happening. "Uh..", you try to think of an explanation. Hanako veers downwards, towards her floating feet. "...E-EH!? EEEEEEEHHHHHH!?", Hanako finally catches on and begins to freak out. "HANAKO! SOIL YOURSELF! IT'S THE ONLY WAY THE GHOST WILL RELEASE YOU FROM IT'S GHOSTLY GRASP!", you formulate a plan.

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"HOW IS THAT GONNA DO ANYTHING!?" "I WOULDN'T WANT TO HOLD YOU IF YOU PEED... WELL I WOULDN'T WANT IT ON ME ANYWAY" "I AM NOT PEEING MYSELF! HISAOGETMEDOWNFROMHERE!", Hanako screams. "I'LL DO IT FOR A BOX OF SCOOBY SNACKS!", you remark as you take out a bag of Scooby Snacks, chop them up, and snort them. "RUH ROH RAGGY, I'M TRIPPING RALLS" "HISAO!" "Oh... Right-" You ready your squirt gun. "Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things down town... Raggy" You spray Hanako with the water gun... ...But she's still flying in the middle of the goddamn room. On the plus side you can see her black bra line. "ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN!", you explain as you reach into your pants and painfully rip out your underwear. "H-HISAO!?" "DON'T WORRY, I DO THIS ALL THE TIME" You lob the underwear at Hanako, it lands behind her, levitating in mid-air. "UOOOOOGGGUUUUHHHHH", the Ghost shrieks as it releases Hanako. You catch Hanako-But she slips out of your arms. "HOT POTATO" "Y-YOU JERK!"

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"AAAAAHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAW", the Ghost fills the room with it's odd sounding noise. You grab Hanako's hand (Which makes you hard) and get the fuck out of there. "QUICK HANAKO, TO THE ROOF!" "W-Why?" "BECAUSE IT'S DRAMATIC AS FUCK" You kick open the locked Rooftop door, pick up Hanako, and leap onto the roof. "OW... WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" "Sorry, I thought the building was going to explode behind me" "WHY" "Why not?" AAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAAW! The ghastly apparition appears behind you in the doorway, showing itself in the light where you could finally see it. My God... It's horrible.. It's a bright red blanket with two huge googly eyes! "I think I peed", you whisper to yourself. "LISTEEEEN TO MY TAAAAAALE, HIICHAAAAAAAN. THERE WAS ONCE A PRETTY AND LIKABLE GIRL THAT LIVED IN THIS VERY SCHOOOOL. SHE WAS BRUTALLY GIVEN A C- ON HER SIGNATURE ASSIGNMENT WHERE SHE WAS ASSIGNED TO PRINT HER SIGNATURE... AND FOR THIS! SHE SWORE VENGEANCE! THE WALLS WILL RUN RED WITH BLOOD, THE FLOOR WITH GORE, AND THE CEILING WITH... MORE CEILING!!! WAAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAA!~" ... "Your story makes my heart heavy... and my prostate weak. My bladder is full to bursting", you explain.

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Hanako seems to be leering at the 'Ghost' as she understands what's going on now. "Misha...?", Hanako asks with slight frustration. The blanket falls off dramatically, a drill shaped silhouette graces the area with it's presence! "WAHAHA, I had you going, huh, Hiichan!?", Misha blurts out. "Ah, I should of known. It was Old Man Misha" "I'm not old or a man!" "You're close enough" Shizune walks out into the light as well, adjusting her glasses while she signs to Misha. "Shiichan says 'Let this be a lesson to you, stay off School Grounds after dark'! WAHAHA!" Shizune begins signing to Misha to follow up. "And Hanakochan, if I catch you doing 'that' again on school grounds, I'm going to report you!" ...? "That?" "U-U-Uh... Nothing!", Hanako blurts out as she makes a bee-way for the door. And so ends the marvelous mystery of the Yamfucku High poltergeist... Quite a let-down to everyone involved. Except for Rin, who died of Breast Cancer shortly after.

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Night of the Living Cripples

- All men are brothers, like the seas throughout the world; So why do winds and waves clash so fiercely everywhere? - Mr. Bojangles, the incontinent hamster "HERE'S THAT HARD LIQUOR YOU WANTED HISAO- *HICCUP*", Kenji yells to you with a heavy liquor stench in his breathe. Kenji drunkenly rummages through his stack of beer cans and empty cheeto bags, and comes out with a shiny blue bottle of Vodka. "Thank you Kenji, all this time I've been taking you for granted, well no longer. From now on, you're my bottom bitch", you compliment Kenji with a pat on the shoulder and hurry off with the alcohol in hand. "HAHA... THANKS HISAO, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND TOO-", Kenji stops midway before snapping to. "BOTTOM BITCH!?", he yells into the empty room. You stealthfully hide the bottle in your pants, passing it off as your natural bulge. "Tehehe!", you hear girls giggling at you as you run on by. "YOU MAY LAUGH NOW, BUT WHEN I GET OFF, SO DO BODY PARTS", you yell back towards them. On any other day, you'd stop and get into some sort of shenanigans like pulling on girls bras or go bag snatching but today is different. Today is special. Today, you have you heart set on a beautiful blonde blind girl who's nothing short of a saint on any other given day. You had a sudden idea burst into your thick skull one day while you were under the tea table desk, looking up Lilly's skirt. Why, she drinks tea everyday around the same time. She probably has an entire morning routine and the like, but... You bet she wouldn't notice if you spiked her tea... Well, except for the taste you suppose. But that's a risk you're willing to take-

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"LILLY~", you joyfully call out as you enter the Tea Room. "Hmmm?", Lilly replies inquisitively, as she peers your way... Not at you, mind you, but in your general direction. "Good Morning!", you cheer as you slide next to her as if you were ice skating. "Arara, if it isn't Hisao! Come to have a cup of tea with me?", Lilly asks as she makes her way towards the boiler. ! Oh no, if she makes her own tea then however will you spike it? Suddenly days, weeks, MONTHS of planning dissolve around you. The only chance you have is to improvise! "I am the Walrus" "What?" "Lilly, I feel GREAT this morning! So great, in fact, that I'm gonna make tea FOR you!" "I'm not sure you know how to make it the way I like.." "Don't be silly, I've been watching you make tea for months now. How hard can it be?", you boast as you stick your chest out. "Alright then, do your very best!", Lilly bucks at you with a smile. Ohohoho... You want my best do you? Little do you know you're playing right into my trap... Nyohoho! Diligently, you prepare the tea, while taking the bottle of Vodka out without making a sound. You pour some tea into one of Lilly's cups and pour a good portion of Alcohol into the mix. You put in some mint to help mask the flavor, hopefully, and stir the cunt-cock-tion. "Your tea's readyyyyy~", you sing out and place the spiked tea cup in front of Lilly. She takes a good whiff of the smell before ingesting it, but slowly and surely, she begins to sip elegantly. "Nyohoho...", you snicker out loud.

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"Hmm...?" "N-Nothing, just remembered a funny joke Kenji told me yesterday about Gerbils and Cocaine- Anywho, how are you enjoying your tea, Ms. Lilly?" "*Hiccup* It tastes a little... I'm not sure... Um... Hisao?" "Yes, Gorgeous?" "Did you put in enough suge... Shug.... Sugar?", Lilly begins to slur her words. "No more than a tea spoon" "Well, I got to say... Sweetness aside, this has got to be the best damn cup of tea I've ever had" "Glad you like it!" "You know Hisao, I don't *Hiccup*... Uh.. Compliment you enough, you know?", Lilly's face begins to burn red. Wow, one cup and she's already getting shitfaced? Talk about a lightweight. "You compliment me all the time, Lil." "Hisao?" "Yeeeeees?" "Shut your fucking face when I'm trying to compliment you", Lilly snaps at you, drunk out of her mind. "Ouch, I didn't see that coming" "Neither did I, you asshole" "S-Sorry?" "That's a.. Another thing, quit apologizing so fucking much to me" "Sorry" "I said stop it, you dick" "So-... Alrighty then", you fake a pained tone.

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"Ah... I didn't mean that, Hisao." "Yes you did, you meant every word of it!", you pretend to cry out. "I-I'm... feeling kinda dizzy", Lilly slurringly blurts out. "I think you need another drink!", you explain while taking out another tea cup and replacing the one in Lilly's hand. "Ah... This'll do, this'll do quite nicely~", Lilly playfully says while giggling softly. "Hitting the spot?" "Hmm Mmm.. Tehehehe..." "What?" "Your name is Hisao...", Lilly points out as she places her arms on the table and rests her head. "Yes, yes it is" "Hisao... Hiss sow... Hiss... Sow" "That's how some people say it" "HISS... Sow!" "And you're named after a flower" "I am! Aren't I?" "Suits you, I think" "Awwwww... Thank you, Hisssss sow!", Lilly giggles back at you while playfully rolling her head in her arms. "I have to say, Lilly, you're acting quite strange", you inquire as you sit down on the opposite end. "I am...? I am... Huh, I guess you're right." "Probably because I spiked your drink, hahaha"

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"Probably! Pfffft... Hahaha..." "You feeling alright there, Lil?" "I'm uh... I think I'll lay down..." "On the floor?" Lilly pathetically gets up for a moment and sits down on the middle of the table. "Maaaaybe~" "Not like you have a lot of options-" "Keep on talking" "Huh?" "Keep talking, please?" "Why do you want me to keep on talking?" "I'm looking for you" "Eh?-" Lilly somehow dilligently manages to scoot her way toward you and right off the end of the table-Landing on top of you... In you lap. "Hehehe..." "Oh dear" "Hisssssss Sow, you're soooo... Warm" "Yes... That's the phrase I'd use, not hard as a diamond. No. Nothing like that at all-" ! Lilly's hands seem to be wandering around your face? "Uh... Can I help you with something?"

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"You're pretty handsome..." "You thought I was ugly?" "No... You have a hot voice..." "I- What?" "Could you say my name?" "Uh..." "Pretty please with sugar on top~" "Lil... lee?" "Again, with more emotion!" "Lilly...?" "Louder!" "LILLY!" "Ahhh... I like that! Now bark like a dog!" "Big dog or a little dog?" "Big dog! Like a Labrador or a great dame- Wait" "What now?" ".... Did you just say you spiked my drink?" "What? Noooooooo. You're imagining things" "Hisao, did you spike my drink?" "Haha... Well~" "HISAO, DID YOU SPIKE MY DRINK?" "I probably could have... Yeah?-" Lilly digs her nails into your throat.

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"ACK, I GIVE, I GIVE" "YOU GAVE ME ALCOHOL!? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! OH ALL THE LOW DOWN DIRTY THINGS-", Lilly shouts as she begins to shake you back and forth. "Lilly-gaaaaggrjgphjthejjutljgamedisyupoid" "I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU-" Lilly's shouts suddenly slow down and she almost instantly falls asleep. Her head lands on your shoulder, Lilly's arm placement reminds you of someone snuggling against a humongous pillow. "Zzzz....", Lilly snoozes away, curly up against you in the process. .... "Well, fuck my balls and call me Charlie Sheen, that was fucking intense" You begin to wonder if she'll remember any of this when she wakes up. ... You latch on to her butt. "Oh yeah, that's some fine grade stuff right there-" *POW* But Lilly's fist meets your face in an orgy of sparkles, blams, and assorted Batman noises. "....Die... a thousand... deaths...", Lilly blurts out, half-asleep. ...She's not even awake. But you got your ass kicked by a passed out blind girl. ...You don't really feel any different regardless. "Well fuck, looks like I'm stuck here until she wakes up.", you think out loud. ... You take out your cell phone with your free hand and dial Kenji.

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"MOSHI MOSHI MOTHERFUCKER?" "KENJI!? KENJI! YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT MAN! THERE'S A PASSED OUT BLIND GIRL ON ME THAT'S PROBABLY GOING TO MURDER ME THE SECOND SHE GETS UP... SO UH... NO HURRY OR ANYTHING BUT COULD YOU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!?" "YOU'VE REACHED KENJI'S VOICE MAIL, NOTICE I SAID VOICE MAIL AND NOT VOICE FEMALE? IF YOU'RE A BITCH, GO FUCK YOURSELF, IF YOU'RE MY BRO, HISAO I BORROWED YOUR COPY OF MARVEL VS CAPCOM AND DROPPED IT IN A BLENDER. NOT SURE WHY I DID THAT, I THOUGHT MAYBE AFTER I ATE THE GAME I'D BECOME THE GAME. IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME, I MEAN, WHO WOULDN'T WANNA GO INTO WALMART, BUMP INTO SOME RANDOM PERSON, AND TURN INTO THE TASKMASTER- BEEP", the answer machine picks up halfway through his overly long message. "FUCK", you close up your cell-phone. You spend the next few hours unwillingly spooning with a drunk blind girl.... ...All in all, things couldn't have gone better. *BLAM* You kick open the Library door, much to the dismay of Yuuko, the Librarian. "Oh get out of here Hisao, you were banned from the Library last week", Yuuko looks up to you. "YOU GET OUT OF HERE YUUKO, YOUR VAGINA IS HAUNTED!" "My vagina is not HAUNTED!" "Her vagina is haunted~", you whisper to a student nearby looking through the non-fiction section. Yuuko's face begins to turn red with anger. "Relaaaaax, I'm just messing around with you, Yuuko. I'm here to see Hanako and check out a couple books and I'll be on my way" "You're not checking any books out here, they always come back ripped up, almost as if somebody's using the pages to light marijuana" "The only drugs I take are the heart medication and I'm not lying about that. The books

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were that way where I checked them out" "Just get out of my hair as soon as possible", Yuuko concludes as she goes back to her desk. You take a couple steps"AND NO TEASING HANAKO!", Yuuko yell/whispers/Yispers behind you. "Fun stealing succubus..." You spot Hanako in the back again, secluded like she always is. Same bean bag chair, same... book? "Hanako, you've been on that book for like a month now" "I-It's not the same one, I'm reading the entire series-", Hanako looks up towards you suddenly. "Hi" "Hisao... Y-You're not suppose to be here, are you?", Hanako keeps her gaze circulating between her book and your face. "I got in, for good behavior" "T-Too bad, there's only one chair here and I'm u-using it-" "We can share!", you blurt out as you sit down next to Hanako. Hanako shoots you a displeased look. "What? Oh, like your butt could fill this entire thing" Hanako ignores you and shifts back to reading her book. ... You sneak out a doujin from underneath your shirt. "What's.. T-That?", Hanako asks with wonder. "This, my fair Hanako, is a Doujin" "Of what...?"

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"Back to the Future" "...Eh?" "Check it, there's a brand new fetish circulating around doujin writers and artists. That fetish?... Having intercourse with your ancestors~" Hanako stares at you for a good thirty seconds. "...Is it any good?", Hanako asks while trying to sound like she's not interested. "I don't know, I just got it. Pried it off a blind guy during class... Not quite sure what a blind person was doing with a porn comic but he had taste. Are you interested?" "O-Of course not!" "Oh?" "...W-Well..." "Huh?" "I mean... If you read it I guess I might occasionally.. look over" "I always knew you were perverted, I bet that book you're reading has sex scenes in it" "S-Shut up!" "What's going on over there?", you hear the Librarian's badger voice ripping into your ear drums. "OH SHIT!", you yelp out in fear. "W-What!?" "I already have two strikes on my record, one more, and I'll be kicked out of this school!" "...I highly doubt you only have two strikes on your r-record" "Hanako, I have to hide this doujin before Yuuko sees it!" "Q-Quickly!" "Alright...", you shove it into Hanako's book, even though the book is about half the size of

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the doujin. "...Hisao..." "SHUT UP HANAKO, AND PUT ON YOUR COOL FACE!" Yuuko walks over towards the two of you with her hands firmly placed on her hips. "..." "...", she peers towards Hanako's book with the porn comic clearly in sight. "Problem, Yuuko?", you ask honestly. "First off, one person per bean bag, second off, be quiet in the library, third off...", Yuuko bends down to grab the Doujin. "AH!", Hanako blurts out in fear. "...A Doujin... In the Library? Really, Hanako? I thought... you were better than this...", Yuuko lets out a sigh as she walks away with the doujin. The two of you are excorted out of the library and into the hall, the library door slams shut behind the two of you with the deathly chill of a thousand ghosts moaning in terror. Hanako's body is frozen in shock next to you, her fragile heart in a state of panic. ... So you put on your cool face. "Problem, Hanako?" Hanako veers towards you with fire in her eyes. "Don't worry Hanako, if I grope you and shake your breasts around with a velocity equal to or greater than 88 miles per hour, we can go back to the past and set things right!" "Die..." "Excuse me?" "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE", Hanako yells as she kicks the air around you, setting it ablaze with the fires of hatred and fury.

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"..." "..." "...I'll start running then", you start running down the school's hallway-And Hanako chases you while destroying everything in her path. Eventually, she dragon kicks you into the milkyway, where your main character immortality takes it's toll and you're faced with eternity of nothingness. ...Eventually you quit thinking.... ...But then you land back down on planet earth and return back to the Cripple Highschool. "Hey Hanako, I'm back from space, are you still mad?" "Go fuck yourself" "I love you too" "MR. NECKTIE!", The Principal calls you into his office... That's shaped like a wrestling ring. "Principal Wrestler-san, what do I owe the pleasure?", you greet the Principal, who wears a Luchidor mask everywhere. "HISAO! My man, we have a problem" "Should I put on my cool face?" "Look, you're probably one of my most disobedient and annoying students and the biggest pain in my ass currently... however.." "Oh I don't like the sound of that 'however', it sounds like a homo being strangled" "Listen, we received INFO that the rival Physically Disabled School 'Gamfunku' High has sent a spy to our school to unmask our secret weapon we were going to roll out and the state's fair..." "There's another school like this one... in this COUNTRY?" "And we're rivals to the bone, you didn't know about it because you're one of the new students" "I've been here for like two years now"

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"Anywho, I need someone to look around for this 'spy' and you fit just the criteria!", the principal explains while he genuflects and expands his muscles. "What do I get in return?" "What do you want?" "...The special collectors edition of the entire House M.D. series on Bluray" "DONE!" "And I suppose... Your daughter's underwear?" "DONE!" "...Sir, I don't even know who your daughter is" "Rin" "You're Rin's father?" "Yup" "Huh" "Ah Huh" "Rin's father is a professional wrestler who works as this school's principal" "That is very correct", he states as he action poses. "...That explains so much it hurts" "Here's what we found out about the Spy...", the principal throws a photo your way, you catch it between your teeth and strike a pose. "The spy is a female... With green pubic hair...", he plainly blurts out. You look at the photo on the girl's naked crotch and back to the principal. "How did you find... Why did you keep... Wait no, does this mean I have your permission to go SKIRT CHASING?" "Yes"

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"Everything went better than expected" "She's also quite the master of disguise, she could be hiding herself as one of the students... in plain sight sort of speak" "That bitch..." "You have today to find this treasonous spy, and when you find her, dispose of her" "With my dick?" "It's better I don't know the details" "With my dick." *You hum the theme to Mission Impossible as you lay on your belly like a snake and crawl between the student's desks* The Teacher doesn't seem to mind or care. "AH HAH!", you yell as you yank Miki's panties down. ... Ah... Nothing but brown hair... Wait, why would you check the brown girl first when the picture is clearly as pale as a ghost? ... Because you could. Man, you've got to stop asking yourself stupid questions. "EEK!", Miki shouts as she pulls her panties back up and kicks you in the face. MPHERUM "BITCH, YOU'RE INTERRUPTING AN IMPORTANT POLICE INVESTIGATION, STEP THE FUCK DOWN!" "You perverted asshole, you should go to jail and die for that!", Miki barks back.

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"Pfffft, Whatever" ... You peer towards Molly who is also a bit on the dark skinned side... "SHOW ME YOUR VAGINA!", you shout as you point to Molly. She shakes her head and flips you the bird. Fine, you can kinda sorta tell the pubic hair color of most of the girls just by looking up their skirt anyway. You kneel down... Misaki? Brown... Ritsu? Brown... Natusume!? ..Reddish Brown... Suzu!? ...You can't tell? You shoot a gaze at Taro and Takashi. "If I'm not back in five minutes... Wait longer", you proclaim. You get a little bit closer underneath Suzu's side of the desk and take a closer look underneath her skirt. ... You pull her panties to the side and take a closer look... ... "Nnnnggg.... Hmmm...?", Suzu wakes up from her Narcoleptic nap and peers downwards at

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you. "...Lost something?" "Do you regularly shave down here?", you ask in curiosity. "Sometimes" "Well that's just dynamite" You look at spy's picture and compare it to Suzu's crotch. "...Hmm..." You study it for a good minute. "Um... Do you mind?", Suzu asks while planting her face in her hand. "Of course. How sssselfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do..." "Suzu, is he looking at your vagina?", Miki shoves her stump into your conversation. "Are you?" "Am I?" "Is he?" "He is!" "You are." "I am" "He is." "Well... Stop him?!" Suzu looks downwards at you with an annoyed stares. "Fine, I guess the Spy is more of an outty than an inny like you", you explain as you get up and examine the room. The girls begin to gang up around you.

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"What?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT!?" "I was checking... for.. uh.. stuff" The girls begin to holster brass knuckles, steel chains, and chair legs"OK OK, I'M SEARCHING FOR A SPY!" "A Spy...?", Miki shoots you an unbelieving gaze. "A... Haha... Spy!" "..." "..." "..." "...I'll start running then" "I'M RUNNING OUT TIME!", you come to a sudden realization. ... Most of the suspects are walking down the same hallway you reside in... "LET'S GET DANGEROUS!", you yell as you sprint down the hallway. Left Right Left Left You begin pulling down skirts left and right, much to the displeasure of the female populace. "Hey Hisao!", Emi greets you with a smile as you near her. "PUBIC HAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRR!", you yell as you skid past Emi, with her skirt in your hand.

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... Blonde. "Woosh, looks like you check out Emi" "...", she stares at you with the growing death force of a dozen collapsing stars. "K Thanks Bye!", you yell as you drop Emi's skirt and dart away. "HANAKO!" "H-Hisao!?" "LET ME SEE YOUR PUBES" "W-W-W-WHAT!?" "TOO LATE", you stop before Hanako and pants her. ... "Wow, the scar goes all the way down to THERE... I'm more turned on than disgusted unfortunately" "..." "YOU'RE SAFE!", you dart away from a still standing Hanako, who's pantyhose is still pulled down. "LILLY!" "Arara-" "ALREADY SEEN YOUR PUBES TODAY, YOU'RE SAFE" "What-" You continue your sprint forwards to solve this mystery! "SHIZUNE!" Shizune continues walking down the hallway.

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... Oh. "SORRY SHIZUNE!", you exclaim as you slide between Shizune's open legs, recording her under hair information" "...Blue... Nice!" "Hiichan!", Misha greets you as she walks out of the Student Council Room naked. "..." "...I.. Got a message from the principal! Wahaha?" "I wasn't... going to check you" "Oh. Um. Well.. Here I am!", Misha poses her naked body in front of you. ...Her fat flab wobbles back in forth. "I'm going now" You dart towards Rin in the hallway. "RIIIIIIIIN!" "What?" "SHOW ME YOUR PUBES!" "Okay", Rin replies casually. Rin uses the back of her feet to step down on her pants legs, sliding them downwards in an epic maneuver. ...Red... "THANKS RIN!" "Anytime" "KENJI!", you shout as you approach Kenji on the second floor. "Hmmm?", He replies casually.

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"I NEED YOUR HELP MAN, I'M LOOKING FOR A GIRL WITH GREEN PUBIC HAIR, HAVE YOU SEEN ANYONE SUSPICIOUS!?-", you yell as you continue your sprint towards Kenji. ! You trip! "OH SHIT-", you scream as you fall towards Kenji*Tug* ... You accidentally pull Kenji's pants down"EH!?" Kenji's legs are oddly girlish"PUUUUUUUUUUUUUBES!", you shout as you spot green pubic hair. "HMMPH! IT LOOKS LIKE I WAS SPOTTED!", the female spy transforms back into her green spy outfit. "I FINALLY FOUND YOU BITCH, YOU READY TO ANSWER FOR YOUR PUBES!?" "Le Huh?" "I mean crimes, I'm mixed up and tired. My heart could give out at any moment but my horniness level is what's kept me going" "Oh... Monsieur would like his dick pummeled?" "I think I'll just rip your clothes off and pinch every part of your naked body until you tell me everything I want to know about THE JOKER" "Who?" "I don't remember" "HIISSSSAAAAOOOO!", you hear the principal's roar behind you as he jumps over you and lands behind the spy. "GOT YOU NOW, YOU LITTLE MINX", he proclaims before picking her up and jumping away

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with the prisoner in tact. .... "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED ME TO DISPOSE OF HER... WITH MY DICK!?" "YOU.... THOUGHT... WROOOOOONG...", you hear him as he fades into the distance.... of the hallway... Man, you're tired. You guess maybe Wrestler-san's gonna pump her for information or something, but you could honestly care less. You've just spent the better part of a day looking at girl's crotches without actually fapping. You're blue balled and fatigued. And... "HISAO...", you turn around to spot a mob of angry female students.. "You know what, just do it. Just beat the crap out of me, I don't care anymore", you face the crowd with a smirk on your face and a hard-on in your pants. You're Hisao Necktie, and you apologize for nothing.

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Peeping Toms & A Genie's Penis

"HEY HISA-", Kenji stops in his tracks. "What is it, Kenji?" "I forgot why I came here..." "It must not of been important, now if you don't mind", you casually go back to snorting cocaine off your Touhou figurines. "HISAO!", Takashi suddenly enters you room the same fashion as Kenji. "Yes...?" "...Uh...", he seems to have forgotten as well. "Marvelous, get out-" "DUHHHH... HISAO!", Taro the fat piece of shit hits the scene with the gracefulness of a bag of rooster cocks. TL note "COCK COCKS" "How the fuck does everyone get in my room", you scratch your head in wonder as your front door appears to be closed. "THE GIRL'S SHOWAH ROOM!", the fat bastard blurts out. "Huh?" "BRO, BROSEPH, BROSEIDEN, BRONOMONOPIA. WE'VE COME ACROSS THE BLUEPRINTS FOR THE SHOWER ROOM!", Kenji yells in his usual tone-deaf voice. "So...?" "SO, THERE A SECRET FUCKING ENTRANCE INSIDE INSIDE THE MOTHERFUCKER WALL, BITCH" "No shit?" "THIS FAT FUCK HERE FOUND IT DURING HIS ROUTINE SUBWAY SANDWICH ORGY MASSACRE BEHIND THE SCHOOL" "Duh...", Taro adds into the conversation. "He's saying you're fat and stupid, Tard-o", Takashi states while discovering a taste for free form jazz.

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"Oh..." "Wait, if there was an entrance to this holy grounds of godly bliss, why hasn't anyone mentioned it before?" "-WHY HASN'T ANYONE MENTIONED BEFORE, WAH WAH WAH. BABY NEEDS LOGIC FOR EVERYTHING? GET THE FUCK UP, WE'RE GOING TO GET OUR REVENGE ON THOSE FUCKING SLUTS", Kenji yells while his shirt rips dramatically from muscle expansion. "Alright alright, I'll meet you guys after the girl's disabled GYM CLASS EEEEENNNNDDDDDDSSSS", you state plainly while coming down. And so the four of you meet outside behind the girl's shower room. Also Taro is dressed as Whoopi Goldberg. "Taro... Where did you find those dreadlocks?" "I don't remember" "EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP! NOW ACCORDING TO THIS FUCKING MAP, THERE SHOULD BE A STORAGE ROOM ADD-ON RIGHT AROUND HERE... THE DOOR WILL LIKELY BE GUARDED BY NORTH KOREAN CHILD GORILLA FIGHTERS STATIONED WITH TWO M40'S ON EACH SIDE OF THE DOOR. WORSE CASE SCENARIO, COMMENCE OPERATION 'HIDE BEHIND THE FATTY'", Kenji states while holding the building's blueprints upside down. "The door's right there, buddy", Takashi states while fondling his facial hair. "PHASE ONE, COMPLETE. NOW WE JUST HAVE TO OPEN IT..." The four of you awkwardly stare at your greatest adversary yet, a locked door. "HISAO, YOU'RE ALWAYS YELLING THAT YOU'RE THE GODDAMN BATMAN, BUST THROUGH THAT BITCH" "Last time I fought a door, it killed my family in front of me while it made me watch, scarring me for life and sending me on an endless path of vengeance" "NIGGA, I JUST MET YOUR MOM YESTERDAY AT THE PARENT/TEACHER COME FOR UNTZ"

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You flashback to Parent/Teacher conference day at Yamfucku High, your mother coming to meet your teacher along with everyone else's mothers coming. "So you're Hisao... You look.. Hmm... in SHAPE", Emi's mother remarks your way while smacking her lips in delight. Emi's mother walks away while making a penis sucking gesture with her cheek, imitating the shape a dick would make if placed in there with her tongue. "Well, that was awkward", you remark to yourself. "Are you Hisao Necktie? Ohoho, I'm Lilly's mother!", a blonde rich woman with humongous cans states while caressing you. "Nice to meet you-" "Nonononono~ Nice to meet you!", Lilly's mother states while walking away... Making a dick sucking gesture with her mouth. "Jeez Hisao, you sure are popular with the ladies aren't you?", your mother states while patting you on the back. "I... try?" "Don't try too hard like your father!", your mother walks away... and makes a dick sucking gesture to you with her mouth. "MOM!" "Just fucking with you, sweety" _______________ "Yes, come to think of it, I just made up that entire story about an inanimate object slaughtering my family-" "Hisao, we've already lockpicked the door while you were reminiscing, you coming?", Takashi blurts out from the doorway. "It begins..." The four of you see a entrance behind a cleverly placed shelf-case. "It looks like only three of us will actually fit", Takashi speaks rather plainly. "Yup.."

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"IT APPEARS SO, COCK KNOCKER" "...", Taro takes a minute to catch on, "Ah..." The three of you sneak into the entrance, the sound of running water becomes louder and louder... "Where are we...?", you ask, perplexed by the weirdest boner you seem to possess. "Holy shit...", Kenji whispers. "Jackpot...", Takashi adds. "Huh? What are you guys-", you quickly notice the rays of light coming from below you, crotch level. ! It appears to be the holes for the faucets, poorly made holes, but holes none-the-less! You kneel down to peep inside. ! You can make out Misha and Miki's butts facing your way. Misha's from being the largest and Miki's for... well... being a delicious brown girl. "Niiiiiiice" "Mmmhmmhmmmm- hey Suzu - mmmhhmmm", you can barely make out what's being said inside however. "Takashi, switch me holes. I can't hear shit and you've obviously got a clearer listening location. And I mean, it's not like you're going to be able to use it at full comp-" Takashi shoots you an ugly look. "Hey, fuck you man, I wasn't the one who lobbed off your own fucking ear" "If it'll shut you up, I'll switch you", Takashi remarks, irritated. You kneel down to Takashi's holeThat sounded nasty. You kneel down to the faucet entrance from which you can probably peep on naked disabled girls.

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"So Mikichan, you got any booooys~ you like?", Misha engages her in gentlemanly conversation. "No, how about you?" "Man, like I am sooooo stupidly sweaty!", you hear Naomi's voice. "Say it, don't spray it... bitch", Suzu remarks apathetically while scrubbing her left armpit. "Sooo Mikichan, you got any giiiiiirrrrlllss~ you like?" "I-I'm not gay!" "FOR FUCKS SAKE, WILL ONE OF YOU FUCKING BITCHES OF A SLUT MAKE OUT OR SOMETHING!?", Kenji yells out again... in his... tone-deaf voice. ! The entire girl's shower room freezes in shock. "KENJI, SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!", Takashi yispers while cock-punching Kenji. ... "W-What was that?", Miki plainly states. "Did you guys... hear something?", Naomi adds on. "Hey guys! Sorry I'm late-", Emi exclaims as she enters the room. "Why is everyone standing still?" "We think... Somebody's watching us", Misha explains with a deadly serious yet totally not face. "But there's no windows-" ? "Then... they could be in the ceiling... or walls?", Suzu explainclaims while looking about. "Shit... SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT!", Kenji goes into a paranoid stance. "Hisao, what do we do!?", Takashi looks to you and your infinite wisdom.

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You walk over to the spacious faucet hole and shover your dick through to the other side. "..." "..." "......", Takashi stares at you in horror. "THIS ISN'T WHERE I LEFT MY GLASSES!", you yell behind the wall while waving your tally-whacker back and forth. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!", Naomi begins to run around in circles, before slipping on the ground. "OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!", Emi covers her face with her hands as she begins to blush. "WHAT THE FUCK!", Miki jumps back. "...", Suzu stares at your dick with a half-cocked reaction. The rest of the girls in the room proceed with... mixed reactions. Rin walks into the room, with a towel in her mouth. She walks over to Emi and stares at where she's peeking at. "Oh hey, a penis. How do you like that?", Rin remarks. "Hisao... they're not.. running away?", Takashi exclaims in wonder. "You think girl's are gonna run away at the first sight of a penis? You don't think a bunch of maturing girls aren't as curious as you are? Takashi, I didn't know you were a close minded sexist pig" "W-WHO'S IN THERE!", Miki steps forward, covering her tits with one hand, making a fist with the other. You think about the next words to come out of your mouth and mask your voice as best you can. "I AM A MAGICAL GENIE...'S PENIS, AND I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES AFTER YOU RUB ME" "...", the girls stare at your dick with a pissed off reaction. Naomi chucks a luffa at you cock.

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You bat it back to her with you dick, making a splash affect, splashing soap across all the girls who shriek in terror. "FOOLS!", you yell out. "OH GOD, IT'S BECOME SELF AWARE!!", Naomi screams. "Kenji... Did you tell Taro to lock the shower-room door like I asked beforehand?", you ask underhandedly. "THAT FAT FUCK SHOULD BE THERE BY NOW" "I WILL DESTROY BRITANNIA!", you scream while waggling your justice stick. "SOMEONE.. DO SOMETHING!", Miki yells out in desperation. ... All the girls point their gaze to Rin. "Why does everyone look at me everytime a penis situation arises?" "YOU'RE THE DICK EXPERT, DO SOMETHING!", Miki yells as she violently shakes Rin with one hand... their breasts jiggling in perfect unison. "Fine... I guess I don't have anything to lose...", Rin states plainly as she approaches your penis. "Almighty penis. Please leave us at once, we want to shower in peace" "THY PENIS DESIRETH A SACRIFICE!", you explain. "No." "YES." "R-Rin...!", Naomi meeps out as she tries to exit the room. "Hmm..?" "Did you.. lock the door?" "...", Rin shoots Naomi an annoyed stare.

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"T-The door's not opening!?", Emi yelps out of the blue. "NYOHOHO, IF THY PASSAGE AND HYGIENE IS THINE WISH, THOU COCKUS REQUIRES A SACRIFICE!", you explain. "Well, what the hell should we do...?", Suzu asks as the girl's huddle together in a circle. "We should just do as it asks..." "We can't do that" "I say we wait until somebody unlocks the showroom door and get the fuck out of here" "T-That could take hours! And this room is already starting to smell like... dick.." "I know, right~", Rin adds oddly enthusiastically as her butt begins to wiggle from outside the circle. "HAS THINE NUDETH MAIDENS COMETH TO THINE DECISION!?", you ask and yell. "Indeed we have! Wahaha!", Misha Wahaha's. "Hahaha, this is fucking hilarious, Hisao", Takashi adds while peeping through his hole. "I KNOW RIGHT, NOW STICK YOUR DICK THROUGH YOUR HOLE" "W-What?" "THIS ISN'T AN OPTION NIGGA" "U-Uh..." Takashi reluctantly unzips his pants and stinks his flaccid penis through the hole. ... "PFFFFFFFFTTTT HAHAHAHAHA!", the girls begin to laugh. "A-Are they laughing at... me?" "I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING AND I KNOW THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU", you explain while slamming your head against the wall in frustration. "TOOOOOOOO!", Kenji sticks his dick through his respectable hole. .... But the girls are too busy laughing at Takashi.

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"HEY! YOU FUCKING BITCHES! I'M A COCK TOO", Kenji yells from behind the wall. "H-Hisao... this is... embarrassing..." "IGNORE THEM BRO, JUST THINK OF THE ENTIRE WORLD CHEERING FOR YOU. CHEERING FOR YOU TO GET THAT ERECTION AND FUCK THAT HOLE. THEN USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE AND GIVE THOSE BITCHES A LOOK AT A DICK THEY'LL NEVER FORGET!", you man up enough for both you and Takashi. "Yes... Yes! YES!", Takashi roars out as fills that hole with his hammer of justice. "...!", the girls on the other side have gone deafly quite. "HAHAHA, TAKE THAT Y-YOU... WHORES!", Takashi begins to mouth off, getting... COCKY. Something's not right here... You take your dick out and peep through your hole. ! "Kenji, come take a look at this", you whisper to Kenji, who's shaking his dick about violently while yelling obscenities. Calmly, he takes his dick out (making a coconut banging sound) and peers downwards his own hole. The girls are all.. gone... A shadowy fat figure in a jersey appears... ...The Gym Teacher... "G-Guys?", Takashi asks nervously. ...This is going to be good. "Dude... They're fucking awestruck by your penis, it looks like they're slowly walking you..." "W-What!?" "Just stay where you are dude, you're gonna get some" "I-I'm nervous man, I'm... a virgin"

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"Relax dude, I think he is as well" "Oh good.... I didn't want to disappoint any- wait what was that you said?" "And..." "H-Hisao? KENJI!?" Takashi suddenly feels his dick being pulled with the force and pressure of a retarded gorilla. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAA!", Takashi screams out. "WHAT HAVE WE HERE", the bulldyke gym teacher's voice roars out. ""HAHAHAHAHAH!"", you and Kenji start pissing yourselves with laughter as the both of you get the fuck out of there and leave Takashi in capable hands. Alternate Ending "I guess I'll do it then", Suzu plainly puts herself out there while still not sounding sure of herself. "COME! FLOCK TO MY COCK!" "Shut up, dude", Suzu nervously walks over towards your penis. "..." "..." "...Um... What do I do now?", Suzu asks while peering over to Rin. "Don't just stare at the dick, EAT IT!", Rin roars out, unusually. "O-Oh. Alright then.." Suzu carefully places her hand on your tip, her fingernail digs into your sensitive membrane but only slightly. "It's.. already wet? And it smells...", Suzu makes careful observations. "YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER, YOU DUMB BROAD"

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Suzu increases her hand's pressure on your dick. "You don't have to be rude" Slowly, Suzu begins to stroke your shaft. Her palm caresses the underside with unique precision. "ENOUGH, I REQUIRE MORE" "Ugh...", Suzu begins to hate herself for what she's about to do next. ...She places her lips on your dick... and kisses it. Her moist lips penetrate your sensitive exterior"RUH ROH", you feel a suddenly eruption. "AH!", Suzu yelps out as your jizz shoots out like a canon and right into her left her eye. You turn your Ipod on, and blaze the theme music to Rocky. It helps you maintain maximum erection. "I REQUIRE CLEANING, WOMAN", you badger Suzu to continue. "...It's salty" She womans up in the end and chomps down on your dick. "AND NOW, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THE FULL POWER OF THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE" You begin mouth fucking Suzu, much to her displeasure! ...She suddenly stops moving. "HEY HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON!?" "Uh... Hisao?" "YO YO YO MOTHERFUCKER" "Suzu fell asleep" "WITH MY DICK STILL INSIDE HER? That's just rude"

671

! You feel Suzu's teeth... bite down. "AH! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!", you scream while trying to escape... but tis a futile effort. "DON'T WORRY HISAO! WE WILL CARRY ON YOUR LEGEND!", Kenji roars out louder as he makes his exit with Takashi. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING!?" "I've video taped everything, I'm gonna spread it online and teach those fucking bitches a LESSON! ALPHA AS FUCK" "ALPHA AS FUCK- Wait no, I'm stuck! HELP ME!" "You've made a noble sacrifice, I will name my child after you", Takashi adds as he disappears. ... FUCK! "U-Um.. Should we help her?", Emi asks the other girls as they return to showering. "Why bother?" "So troublesome" "I think they look good the way they are, WAHAHA!" "I wish that was me.." "Well alright, if you guys are fine with it..." Emi goes back to showering with the other girls. You stand there, dick stuck inside a narcoleptic girl's mouth. You flip on your shades and rest your head against the wall. You deal with it.

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Fuckdamn Shitcunts
"HISAO HISAO!", Kenji yells as he phases through the wall like it wasn't there. "How the fuck did you do that?" "DUDE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!" "W-Why?" "IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY, WE'RE GOING LEPRECHAUN HUNTING!" "St. Patrick's day was yesterday" "WAH WAH WAH SEWOMANTICS, YOU PREFER I GO GRAB A BOX OF BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR YOU?" "I'll get my shoes on..." "DON'T BOTHER, WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE WON'T NEED... SHOES!" The two of you make your way into the nearby forest-But the forest was swept away in the tsunami. "FUCK" "My feet hurt" "HISAO, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, MAN!?" "Aren't we suppose to wait for a Rainbow to light the way anyway?" "IT'S NOT SUPPOSE TO RAIN FOR ANOTHER FIFTY FUCKING YEARS" "Forecast said there was a 70 percent chance of a light drizzle tomorrow..." "TOO. FUCKING. LONG." "Well, how do you propose we make a rainbow then?" "..." "...?" "...UNZIP YOUR PANTS"

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"...Nahnee?", you answer back dead serious. "WE'RE GONNA CREATE A RAINBOW, WITH OUT PISS!" "Well, OK, but I'm telling you right now, I'm not 100% on this" The two of you whip out your junk and begin spraying the air with copious amounts of urine. "PISS HISAO! PISS LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PISSED BEFORE!" "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!", you scream as you blast a hole in a nearby tree. "EEEEEERRRRRRMMMMMMM", Kenji hits and kills a nearby bird by breaking it's neck with his pee. "HISAO, THIS ISN'T WORKING...! WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CROSS THE STREAMS!" "I THOUGHT YOU SAID CROSSING THE STREAMS WAS BAD, EGON" "WHAT?" "Sorry, wrong show" The two of you combine your pee-streams, making a giant yellow X in the middle of the destroyed forest. ""NYAAHH"", the two of you both run out at the same time, as if your bladders were synchronized. The urine quickly distills from the area, leaving a fog-like presence in it's way... and in it... "A RAINBOW!" ...A pot of gold suddenly emerges from the ground at the end of the Rainbow. "W-Wow. That's never happened before", you explain while molesting your hair with nails. "IT'S BECAUSE I FOUND THIS!", Kenji explains Kenji lifts up his shirt, revealing a four-leaved clover stuck in his bell button. "Well, that's gonna haunt my dreams for nights to come" "SHUT UP FOOL, DON'T YOU REALIZE? WE'RE GONNA BE FILTHY FUCKING RICH!"

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Kenji ecstatically rummages through the forest and digs his hand into the pot of gold. "FINALLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO OUTLAW WOMEN!" "Ho-Hold on there, lad!" A Leprechaun suddenly emerges from behind the pot, tipping his hat forwards. "FUCK OFF, GREEN BEANS. THIS GOLD'S MINE" "Kenji, taking a leprechaun's gold is a pretty dick move-" "I FOUND IT FARE AND SQUARE" "Aye, and to take me gold from which I own, a riddle be answered from you alone!", the green bean explains. "RIDDLES? FUCK YOU." "Then you'll be cursed. Like. Cursed a lot. You don't wanna be having any of that, lad" "FINE." "Very well...", the Leprechaun takes out a piece of paper with questions written on it. "Question one, what is black and white and out of sight?" ... "Michael Jackson?" ! An aura of light surrounds Kenji. "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-', Kenji's yell begins to change pitch. .... Kenji reemerges from the smoke... ...Kenji's been turned into a woman. "Wrong answer, me lad"

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"Whoa, Kenji. Or should I call you Kenja?", you remark. "NOOOOOOOO! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FIGHT BITCHES NOW!?" "If you like, your friend could try and reverse the curse by answering another riddle", the Leprechaun explains. "HISAO!", Kenji yells to you in his new girlish tone. "...I'll do it if you let me touch your tits" "WHAT!?" "I will change you back to a man, if you let me touch your tits while you're a woman" "DUDE, COME ON" "Look, this is one of those rare opportunities where you prove just how much of a true friend you really are. I'd let you touch MY tits if I was turned into a girl, I think it's only fair" "DUDE, I'M A DUDE" "You're a girl right now" "FINE, JESUS CHRIST.", Kenja explain as she opens her shirt. You place both hands on her boobies, and rub them around. ... "...Alright, this is way more awkward then I first imagined" "YOU DONE, ASSHOLE?" "Yeah, I think I'm done" You turn to the Leprechaun with stern-fast determination and the weirdest boner you've ever had. "RIDDLE ME THIS THEN, LAD. IF YOUR FRIEND IS NOW A GIRL AND YOU GOT YOUR ROCKS OFF TOUCHING HIS BREAST, DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE GAY LIKE THE REST?" "..."

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"Answer me this, would you making him into a girl mean you like to see men in dresses?" "...", the Leprechaun suddenly freezes in place. "N-No lad, I'm just having a wee bit of fun, tis all!" "In spirit, wouldn't this count as playing dress-up? And you consider that fun? Sounds more like Green eye for the straight guy" "Y-YOU'RE TRYING MY PATIENCE, THAT YOU ARE!" "And you're oddly getting bent out of shape about it. If you were straight, don't you think you'd be more comfortable with your sexuality?" "...", the leprechaun goes into a deep concentration. "Ah-hah" "I...I guess you may be sporting a pint bit of logic there, lad. Hmmph. I've never seen it that way before. Hah! Well, doesn't that just open my eyes!" "Yeah! You go out there and be the gayest leprechaun you can be" "That I will lad, thanks!", he mentions before his clothes suddenly turn pink. "Stylin'" "Take me gold as you thank you gift for opening me eyes, me fabulous friend!" The gay leprechaun gayly skips off into the sunset, very gay-like. "Cool. Money.", you exclaim as you pick up the pot of gold, nearly breaking your back in the process. "H-HEY!? WHAT ABOUT ME!", Kenji yells in his still female voice. "What about you?" "WHY AM I NOT CHANGING BACK?" "I guess I didn't really answer his question, but hey, we got copious amounts of money we can spend on getting you a gender swap" "THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN", Kenji remarks as he kicks a nearby tree, splintering his shoeless feet.

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"OOOOWWWW!" "You were gonna outlaw females, and now you are one." You flick out a pair of shades and dramatically put them on. "If irony had a flavor, you'd taste quite delicious" "HEY HISAO" "Hey Kenji" "BET YOU CAN'T DEPANTSU EMI" "It's on like Genghis Kong" You spot Emi across the field outside, doing stretches. ... YOU BEGIN SPRINTING TOWARDS HER AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT. "I HAVE YOU NOW, BLOOMERS!-" Emi finishes her stretching and walks out of the way to get a sip of water. You skid past her and slide crotch-first into a bleacher. "FUCKING OW" "Huh?", Emi turns around to see you in pain. "EMI! KNOW THIS FIEND, BEFORE THIS DAY IS OVER, YOUR BLOOMERS ARE MINE!", you proclaim with dignity and insanity. "Hisao, if you want my bottoms you're gonna have to catch me", Emi replies back as if a challenged had been issued. You cross your arms and hold your head high. "Challenge accepted" You jump onto the bleacher and leap towards Emi. "HAGABLAGA!", you scream as your eyes circle with madness.

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...Emi gently steps out of the way, revealing a large anvil her figure somehow kept hidden. You land crotch-first into the cold hard metal, the cold tingle mixed with unhinging pain makes you pee a little. "AH....", you let out a long grunt. "MEEP MEEP!", Emi replies as she begins THE CHASE! You need to catch Emi, but you obviously can't keep up with her and her fake legs. ! You're stricken with a sudden burst of genius! A giant slingshot! When has that never worked? "HANDS DO YOUR MAGIC!" In no time, you construct a oversized slingshot and prep it for launch. "Hi Hisao!", Emi mockingly waves at you from afar. Bitch, I'll rape you... You launch yourself using the giant slingshot towards Emi. You speed towards her with the air velocity of a rocket using cocaine as fuel. "EMI! GIVE ME YOUR WOMB!", you shout as you near her. ...She jumps the second you enter her no-fly zone and lands on top of you, planting her metal legs into your spine. ...She begins to ride you like a rocket. "WOO!", Emi roars in excitement. "GOD DAMN IT, I'M SUPPOSE TO BE ON TOP!" Emi's weight pushes you into the ground while still in flight, your underside begins to brush against the ground in a painful display.

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Your body comes to a full stop eventually, you've become entirely submerged into the ground, with Emi still planted on top of you. "Look on the bright side, Hisao. You can tell all your friends I rode you nice and hard!" "AHGA BLAGA AHGA", you speak from underneath the earth, the pain cancelled out with your frustration. You chase Emi around the track, your anger temporary blinding you and raising your physical attributes. *Hisaoic Necktiess* "Haha, maybe if you spent more time at the track and less time sticking your pepe into showeroom holes, you'd be able to catch me!", Emi remarks while gleefully jogging. *Emius Legaless* "WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU!" "Nyaaah", Emi pulls down her eyelid and sticks her tongue out at you. "BITCH, YOU'VE DONE CROSSED THE LINE!" You take your shoe off and lob it at her. It nicks Emi's hair and lands out of sight. "WHOA!", Emi's exclaims her shock. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!", you scream as you begin tearing off articles of clothing and lobbing it at her. Each piece of clothing misses it's target and Emi remains in mint condition, eventually, you're down to just your underwear. "WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!", you scream in frustration as your begin to have a tantrum. You begin to slow down, your heart needs to slow down or you'll keel over on the course and soil yourself. You remember how well that went for you last time, when you were supposed to pop out of Hanako's surprise birthday cake.

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"Hahaha! Better luck next time, Buttman Joe!", Emi joyfully insults you. She playfully spanks her butt at you, trying to aggravate you further. Althrough, all it's really doing is giving you a stiffy. ...Wait... That's it! "YOU THERE, BOY", you point at a weak looking handless nerd with a kite. "M-me?" "GIVE ME YOUR KITE", you look at the barrage of kids around him, also flying kites, "YOU BRATS TOO" Emi continues her triumphant jog around the field, her bloomers still on, enjoying her victory. "Huh, I wonder what Hisao wanted with my bloomers in the first place... Something perverted no doubt!", Emi boasts with her chest puffed out. "EMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!", you shout at the height of your lungs. "Oh give me a break, Hisao-", Emi stops dead in her track as she turns around. You're gliding towards her with dozens of kite strings latched onto your erection. A Human Cock Kite. "TAKE THIS, MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY SORROW!", you roar as the wind propels you. "AH!", Emi begins her retreat, but too late. You reach Emi in mere seconds, her feeble attempts at escape are all for naught! ... ...! Your erection shoots it's way between Emi's thighs, trapping her in your grasp. "CHECKMATE!", you proudly boast.

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... But you're not stopping... "UH OH" You begin dragging Emi with you. "H-HISAO!?" "I can't... Erm... Stop" "WELL, UNTIE THE STRINGS!" "I can't, they're... trapped. Underneath your, well, BUTT" "WELL THEN, CUT THEM!" "With what, my teeth?" "DO SOMETHING!" "They'd probably slide off if I went flaccid" "WELL!?" "Yeah, that's probably not happening" ""AHHHHHHHHHH!"", the two of you begin sliding through the field, other crippled students jumping out of the way. "PENIS MALFUNCTION, CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!", you yell. "HISAO, WATCH OUT FOR THAT ANVIL FROM BEFORE!" "The what-" You dick smacks into the metal, before the pain fully communicates to your brain, the kites skid you off again. "HISAO! WATCH OUT FOR THOSE BLEACHERS!" "Oh no-" The tip of your dick meets the metal in another painful display of God's good humor.

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You continue flying around. "HISAO! WATCH OUT FOR THAT TUB OF ALLIGATORS!" "Alright, Now you're just spouting bullshit" "Hehe, I am" "WE NEED TO GET THESE FUCKING STRINGS OFF MY JOHNSON, EMI" "WELL THEN, UNTIE THEM" "YOUR BUTT IS IN THE WAY" "DIG INTO MY BUTT AND UNTIE THEM!" "I- ... Well, alright" You shove your hand down Emi's butt"OUTSIDE THE BOTTOMS, YOU ASSHOLE" "YOU HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC NEXT TIME" "NEXT TIME!? JUST HOW OFTEN DO YOU EXPECT YOU'LL BE FLYING AROUND WITH KITES TIED TO YOUR PENIS!?" "OH YOU NEVER KNOW" You dig your fingers down Emi's backside and your front-side and feel around for the master string, the one string to rule them all. ! You got it! The kite strings slowly slide off your manhood, and the kites themselves disperse. You've finally done it! ... "Emi, not like I'm complaining or anything, but could you get off my dick?", you ask while Emi's weight veers about.

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"Oh, sorry!" Emi hops off you and spins around in the air before landing. "Well well, good job Hisao! But. It looks like I still win!", Emi proclaims before speeding off. "MEEP MEEP!", she laughs in the distance. ... "...Nyohoho", you chuckle to yourself silently. Emi's Bloomers are in you hand. You took them off during all the commotion, and she hasn't even noticed. Good thing she's wearing underwear, or she might've felt a slight draft. You get up, Bloomers in hand, and run off into the School complex before Emi actually looks down. "HA HAAAAH! FUCK YOU, KENJI!", you show him your war spoils. "What do you mean 'fuck me'? We didn't even wager anything" "YES WE... Oh wait, I guess we didn't" "Haha, Tard", Kenji walks away. ... You examine Emi's Bloomers and touch the inside. ...It's still warm. You put the Bloomers on your face as if it were a mask and run off to fight crime. With a mighty roar, you proclaim"I AM THE HERO THIS SCHOOL DESERVES!"

684

Two and a Half Schoolgirls

IN THIS CITY, FULL OF INJUSTICES... NO INJUSTICE IS WORSE THE INJUSTICE DONE TO THE FACE OF JUSTICE THAT INJUSTICE STANDS FOR... THAT INJUSTICE IS... "BRASSIERES!", you yell dramatically on top of the School roof-top as lightning dramatically flashes behind you. You are the hero titties deserve. You are... BRA-MAN! -Cheesy 80's Bra-Man OP beginsBRA-MAN! THE MAN WHO TAKES YOUR BRA! BRA-MAN! THE MAN ALL BREASTS CALL! BRA-MAN! BRA-MAN! -Gangsta Rap beginsYO YO CHECK IT, ONCE UPON TIME IN SCHOOL FULL OF CRIME, THERE ONCE WAS A MAN WITH A HEART SO BIG IT JUST WASN'T FINE. HISAO NECKTIE, THE MAN TITS CALL, FREEDOM THEY SING, 'THE BRAS MUST FALL'! BRA-MAN! HE SAVES YOU FROM YOURSELF! BRA-MAN! EXCEPT IF YOU'RE A MILF! BRA-MAN! BRA-MAN! BRA.... MAN! Dun dun dun duuuuun!

685

You dramatically pose as the music stops. Bra-man was filmed in front of a Live Studio Audience. Midnight... It is time... You creep alongside the outer edge of Hanako's room, hoping to God she didn't remember to lock her window. -ClickShe didn't. You stealth-fully creep into Hanako's room, you see her snoozing away in her bed. ... She's wearing bear suit pajamas. "Nyohoho, I should totally take a picture of this and send it to Lilly" But no, what you've come here for far exceeds simple pranks... You've come to liberate Hanako's tits from those wrenched things she calls... 'Bra's"! You take out a can of AXE body spray and shoot the surrounding area for a laser grid. ... Wait, no, that's retarded. You creep your way into her dresser nearby and look for the underwear drawer. Hmm... First drawer... School Blouses and a pack of different colored pills. Must be her birth control pills. You carefully replace those with Tic Tacs. Second drawer...

686

Skirts and what looks like... a finger warmer or something? "What the fuck is this thing?", you slip it on your finger. ...It begins vibrating. "Ah", you carefully put that back. Third drawer"BINGO!" Hanako's arranged bra's are located inside, you take out a thick plastic bag and stuff them inside. ... But one seems to be missing... You peer over Hanako... who seems to be sleeping with her bra still on. "Alright Alright... Carefully...", you leer over sleeping Hanako, trying to remove her bra without waking her. It tough as shit considering her bear outfit covers her completely... ...You're gonna have to dig around Hanako's back and unlock her... "THERE ISN'T A BRA ALIVE THAT HASN'T FELT THE DEATH DEALING DICK FINGERS OF BRA-MAN!", you boast. You slowly slip your cold hands down the side of Hanako's pajamas. Following the bra-line, you slowly feel around for the point where it locks... "There it is..." You try to unhinge the back... You try to unhinge the ba... "FUCKING BRAS, HOW DO THEY WORK!?", you yell out in frustration.

687

! "Ughh.... Huh...?", Hanako begins to slowly open her eyes. SHIT SHIT SHIT! "..." "Ngh...", Hanako struggles between waking up and falling back asleep. "UH... UH... T-Twinkle twinkle little star... how I wonder where you are?", you try to lullaby Hanako back to sleep. Hanako's half-opened eyes begin to close... ...But she latches on to you like a over sized doll. "NYA... GOD.. DAMMIT", you remain perfectly still. Hanako sleepily rubs her head against you as she falls back into a deep slumber. ... You feel Hanako's bra come loose as your fingers work their magic. Slowly, you pull Hanako's arms up and feel up bra through her sleeves, finally coming off. ! Hanako lets out a big yawn as she latches on to to you even harder than before, her breasts exposed now. ...She rubs against you again as she dozes off, her bare chest rubbing against your sleeve... ...Her tits make you so hard you can't think straight, but you came here for the bra, not THAT. ...Then again... ... You grab a hold of Hanako's breast, the burnt one, and feel it up. ...

688

Feels like a bag of sand. You slowly and quietly inch your mouth towards Hanako's tits, and give it a lick. ... Tastes like a bag of sand. You press your lips on Hanako's tit, and caress it with your tongue while sucking on it with your mouth. "Ngh...", Hanako lets out a moan. She appears to be ticklish. You don't want to wake her, but god damn, do you feel like torturing her a little bit more. You rub her other titty with the tip of your finger nail, massaging all the necessary nerves. You continue sucking Hanako's adjacent breast. You pull away for a second, a slim trail of saliva follows you, and take a good look at Hanako's face. She appears to be tensing up. "Nyohohoho!", you add to the conversationless conversation. You switch up, Your tongue meets Hanako's adjacent tit while you continue rubbing the other. After a couple seconds of this, her titties tense up, becoming rock hard. You sink your teeth into one the second this occurs, and playfully chew on her... ...Tastes like Bacon... You feel something wet beginning to soak your thigh. "I THINK I KNOW WHAT THAT IS", you comment. You ignore the rock hard erection you're rocking and swing the bag of upper-wear over your shoulder. ...Now how the fuck you do get down from here?

689

Hanako's room is on the top floor, and that's a decent way down no matter how you spin it*Snap* That's it! You take out one of Hanako's bra's and strap the handle around your eWRECKtion. You begin to swing it around at speeds most thought were impossible, as your penis becomes a Helicopter. You lift off and carefully exit though Hanako's bedroom window. You fly into the moonlight, on your dick propelled bra helicopter. You are Bra-Man, motherfucker. ...Later that very day... "HEY HISAO, YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT MAN", Kenji screams into your left eardrum. "How the fuck would you know, you're BLIND", you add while exchange porn mags with Kenji. The two of you are walking through the hallway until... "H-HISAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOO!", you hear a familiar tone behind you. Hanako appears in front of you with the speed of a Ninja, panting heavily. "God Damn it Hanako, what do you want? We're doing Science SO HARD right now" "H-H-Hisao, did you see anyone... s-suspicious walking around?" "We're in a physically disabled school" "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" Hanako takes out a business card and shoves it in your face. "D-Do you know who this is!?" ... The card says "Haha, Bitch. Your tits have been liberated by BRA-MAN."

690

"No sir, but this man seems like the kind of fellow I'd take home and have romantic intercourse with" "A-All my... bras... ARE GONE! W-What do I do now!?" "..." "..." "Bounce them" *BRA-MAN ED begins* You enter the rooftop of Yamfucku High carrying a bag full of Pringles you stole from Walmart. "Nobody's here...? Fuck yeah, more Pringle's for me, then" You open up a tube full of Pizza flavor and show down. ... The wind slowly blows through your hair, and the sun creeps it's way through the clouds. You begin to remember why you came to this school in the first place and take out a bottle full of your heart medication. Just think, all that keeps you from dying a slow and painful death is in this bottle... "Hello" "AH!", you yelp like a girl. Your bottle of medication slips out of your hand and through the crack of the fence surrounding the rooftop edge. "AHHHHHHH!?", you let out a shriek. The bottle stops at the very edge of the roof, one good push from the wind and it'll shoot off the roof and land into a nearby tree. "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!", you shout as though you were ATATATATAing. You sprint to the edge of the building and dive jump towards the fence.

691

"PSYCHO CRUSHA!", you shout as you dig your hands through the fence crack and attempt to retrieve the bottle with your big manly hands. ...But to no avail. ! A smaller pair of hands slip through with ease and grab the bottle before you. "WHOA, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, JACK-" You turn around to meet a blonde dude with red eyes. "The name's... Akira", he explains while flipping on a pair of shades and juggling your medication. "AKIRA?" "Akira." "AKIRA!?" "AKIRA" "..." "Please don't make 'that' joke" "KANED-" "Stop" "Fine, whatever. Would you mind giving me my medication back or something of equal value?" "...Hmm... No. I don't think I will" "Appreciate it- Wait, what?" "I think I'll go see how much these sell for, you know, instead" "I got a better idea" "Oh yeah?"

692

"I'll trade you my bag full of Pringle's back for my death prevention pills" "Why would I want a bunch of fat inducing potato chips?" "PRINGLES" "Pringles?" "PRINGLEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS" "Pringles...", Akira throws the medicine back to you, "You're lucky I can't say no to the deliciously evil taste of Sour Cream and Onion" "Your kindness will be remembered, I shall kill you last", you slip the bottle back into your pants. The dude takes out a green tube of Pringles and turns your way. "What are you doing up here on the rooftop alone, eating Potato Chips?" "Contemplating suicide over the loss of a loved one's affection" "Really?" "Pfffft, NO. I was thinking about urinating into a water balloon, stuffing them into Pringle tubes, and making makeshift piss blasters" "You are a very strange man" "You should've seen what I did to this blind girl a couple weeks back" "Blind girl, huh... Care to tell me more?" "GLADLY MY NEWFOUND PRINGLE COMRADE", you boast while putting your arm around Akira. "SO THERE I WAS, RIGHT? SPIKING THIS BLONDE GIRL'S TEA. Her name's Lilly, by the way. ANYWAY, I SPIKE HER TEA AND SHE STARTS FUCKING TEARING INTO ME MAN. WE JUST HAVE RAW, UNPROTECTED SEX RIGHT THERE IN THE TEA ROOM. Must've ejaculated inside her atleast six times, two of which were in her asshole-" "Really now?", Akira blurts out, as she brandishes a blade from under her sleeve. "Naw, she just got really shitfaced and stabbed me with her nails. Tried feeling her up but

693

she punched me in the face... while she was passed out" "That's rough, man", Akira goes back into a relaxed pose. "Doesn't even top what happened after that" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stuck my dick inside the girl's shower room faucet hole" Akira begins giggling softly to himself. "I know, right? So man friend Takashi, who's missing a fucking ear, sticks HIS dick in HIS hole. I saw the big dyke gym teacher enter the room while he didn't..." "What happened next?", Akira adds, oddly interested in your fucked up tales. "She took ahold of his penis" "Pfffffff Bwahahahaha" "Poor guy, he'll never walk the same way again" "I think I can top that", Akira mentions as he takes out his slick cell-phone. ... "W-What... is that?" "A picture, obviously" "I can see that, but uh.. What's going on in this picture?" "It looks like you..." "Yes it does" "...And you appear to be hopping out of a window with a bag full of stolen goods" "BRAS AREN'T 'GOODS'!" "You can tell that to the judge" "H-H-Hey now, Hanako would never press charges against me or anything like that. I'm physically disabled, in the heart, I don't think right sometimes"

694

"Looks like you're taking the time to stop and write the girl inside a love letter?" "It's not a love letter, it was a business card" "Oh? So that's what that is" Akira turns off his cellphone and puts it back into his pocket. "So... this is blackmail, huh?" "Blackmail is such an ugly word" "And what's heard over the police radio about eighty percent of the time" Akira takes out two Pringles and places it in his mouth like a duck. "Ah, don't look so depressed guy, quack quack" "I'll be in touch, M'kay?", Akira adds as he puts on his pinstripe blazer and Smooth Criminal's away. Before Akira reaches the door, he turns around for a brief moment. "You try anything with my sister I'll cut off your penis", Akira adds while pointing to you and brandishing her pearly white teeth. And just like that, Akira vanishes... ...With your Pringles... Sister...? .... "...Nyohoho...", you laugh quietly to yourself, making sure Akira's gone for good. You take out Akira's cellphone from your sleeve and turn it on. "Slight-of-hand is such a God-Tier skill, my god", you boast while deleting the images of you breaking into Hanako's room.. ...As well as every other image on the phone. "Fuck with the rest Akira, you get fucked like the rest-", you stop.

695

.... You take a closer look at the last image on Akira's phone and unspoiler the image next to the mountain of text. Akira is a chick!? I think all the girls should be drawn with Pringle's duck bills. Oh well, the end.

696

There was a Hand Here and Now It's Gone

"HEY DUDES AND DUDETTES, WHATCHA DOING?", you ask while opening a locked door you picked. You walk into the classroom, with most of the class sitting in a circle around the floor. "I knew we should've welded the door shut or something...", Miki remarks, unamused. "SO WHAT'S GOING ON, ARE WE HAVING A MASS CIRCLE JERK?" "...!", Shizune quickly signs to Scruffy Jenkins, the Pink Haired bimbo. "No Hiichan~ class was cancelled! So everyone who has nothing to do this hour is gonna play Truth or Dare with us!", Misha explains while keeping her WAHAHAing to a minimum. "Cool, can I join?" "No" "Nah-ah" "Noooo hooo hoooo oooh" "I WILL DESTROY BRITANNIA!" "NO!" "Sure!", Misha adds. "ALL-HALL-RIGHTY THEN!", you say as you action pose, sit down, and scoot into the circle. The class gets back into it. "So... who has the bottle?", Suzu asks, half awake. "Takashi was suppose to go get it...", Molly explains sounding apologetic rather than informative. "I'll be honest, I don't even remember half the people here's names", you whisper to Misha. "Don't worry Hiichan, neither do I!", Misha exclaims, enthusiastically. ! Takashi storms into the room and closes the door behind him in a blur. "I-I GOT THE BOTTLE, BUT DON'T ASK ME WHERE!", he explains with a dead look in his eyes.

697

"Where do you suppose he got that from?", Natsume asks, while imitating a Texas accent. ...You take it from Takashi examine the bottle. The sticker on the bottle says "BOOZE IS PROPERTY OF KENJI, KENJI INC., AND KENJI PRODUCTIONS" "...!" "THEN LET US START THIS MOST DANGEROUS GAME! WAHAHA~", Misha translates while her drills begin spiraling. Shizune spins the bottle in the middle of the room... ... It stops and points to Miki. "Me first eh? Alright, HMMPH, bring it" "Truth or Dare, Mikiichan?", Misha asks without translating. "Uh... I'm feeling pretty ballsy I guess...", Miki imitates a thinking stance where one would scratch his/her facial beard with her handless arm, "I choose DARE!" "...!" "I dare you to kiss-" "Let me guess, Suzu?", Miki interrupts while she motions to Suzu. "...!" "Uh... No-" "Misaki?" "No" "ANY girl in this room?" "Nope, WAHAHA! Shiichan wants you to kiss Taro!" ...

698

"I uh... think I'll switch that to Truth then" "Wait, you'd kiss Suzu, Misaki, and any girl in this room but you wouldn't kiss a dude?" "Yeah" "You're a lesbian?" "W-What!?" "You're a lesbian" "N-No!" You turn to Misha. "Ask her if she's a lesbian" "Are you a LESBIAN~ WAHOHO!" Miki plants her face in her remaining hand. "Ugh... Fine, I'll prove I'm not a lesbian by kissing Taro..." Miki gets up and walks to Taro, then pecks his cheek like a bird. "There, see?" "See what? That wasn't a kiss" "Like fuck it wasn't" "Whatever... Dyke" Miki spins the bottle around for the second time. ...It lands on Lelouch. "NAH-KNEE!?", he freaks out. "Truth or Dare... strange foreign exchange student", Miki cocks an eyebrow. "DARE!"

699

"I dare you to switch clothes with Suzu" "...I am Lelouch vi Britannia and I will NOT wear schoolgirl's outfit" "Then perhaps you can tell me if this is an illegal move-", Miki pulls out a chessboard. "..." After a few minutes outside, Lelouch returns wearing a skirt and Suzu is in male students clothing. Lelouch spins the bottle much to his discontent. ...It lands on Misha. "TRUTH OR DARE, ELEVEN" "DARE! WAHAHA!" "I DARE YOU TO OBEY ME" "YES, MAI RORDO, WAHAHA" "NOW PINCH THAT IMPUDENT BROWN ELEVEN'S NIPPLES" Misha walks over to Miki and pinches her nipples incredibly hard. "OUCH" "FEEL THE UNDYING FURY OF LELOUCH LAMPSORBOOSH, BITCH" You seem to be getting drowsy... ...You doze off for a few seconds"HISAO!" "Huh?" "It's your turn, Wahaha!" "Oh" "Truth or Dare?"

700

"Uhh... Truth" "Is it true you stole Miki's underwear and poured Bengay on them?" "Yeah" "T-THAT WAS YOU!?", Miki shouts. You lethargically spin the bottle while ignoring the handless brown girl. .... It lands on Misha again. "Truth or Dare there, Drillman", you put on your best Carl from Aqua Teen impression. "Hmmm... Truth, Wahaha!" "Why are you... in this school?" "Huh?" "What's your disability?" "Oh, why didn't you say so, WAHAHA!" "I just did" "Well, that reason why I'm here is because Shiichan-" ! The door behind you bursts open. Kenji emerges in a state of rageful fury. "WHICH ONE OF YALL DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS JUST STOLE MY SHIT!?" "...", you move the bottle towards you with your foot and fit hide it. "S-Stole what, Kenji?", Takashi asks with a honest tone. "MY VINTAGE 1908 WHISKEY, DO YOU REALIZE HOW FUCKING HARD THAT IS TO COME BY!?"

701

"Well, it couldn't have been any of us, we've been in here playing-", Misaki stops when she realizes where she was going. "Card games! We were playing a children's card game", you fill in. "..." "..." "...RIGHT THEN", Kenji exits the room and runs outside, causing a loud ruckus. "...Well then, I think it's my turn to spin the bottle!", Misha adds while spinning the bottle yet again. "H-Hey wait, what about my question-" The bottle lands on Shizune. "...!", she signs dare. "...!?!", Misha signs something back to her. ...Shizune begins to blush deeply and gets up. She walks over to you and stands before you, acting reluctant. "The hell is her problem? You ask her to kiss me?" "Well... It INVOLVES a kiss, Hiichan" "Huh?" Shizune slowly raises her skirt"WHOA WHOA WHOA, I HAVE NEVER KISSED A VAGINA BEFORE-" Shizune smacks the back of your head. "Ugh... Hiichan, I dared her to get you to kiss her um... THIGH" "Wh- Oh. NO. NO! YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION-" Shizune knee's you in the face, your lips inadvertently meet her thigh. "...!"

702

"Done! Wahaha!" "EVERYBODY!", you action pose, "ROCK YOUR BODY!" Misha begins to stroll, "BACKSTREET'S BACK, ALRIGHT!" "EVERYBODY~", you sing. "YEAAAAAH", the classroom responds. "ROCK YOUR BODY~" "YEEEAAHHH- Also my disability is cancer" "WHAT, REALLY!?" "NO, WAHAHA! I'm actually a Lizard", Misha comments while taking off her pink wig, to reveal a scaly surface. Shizune spins the bottle yet again"Now hold on a second here guys, I'm a reasonable man, but I've just experienced some very unreasonable things", you butt in. "Reasonable man...?", Miki adds while shifting positions at you. "Reasonably insane", you add. "And you wonder why we never tell you about when we're gonna do things together, like truth or dare for example" "Why's that? Cause I'm not sophisticated enough? Because I don't fall all over myself to make sure you have things your way... Da da-da-da-da, I'm loving it" "It's because I don't like you", Miki plainly states. "Cause you're a lesbian" "...You're just mocking me now" "No, I've been mocking you for the last half hour. A little slow to notice, aren't we?" Miki puffs her cheeks up at you as she begins to fill up with frustration.

703

"...HIICHAN!" "Huh? What?" "BOTTLE LANDED ON YOU AGAIN!" "Oh, how do you like that... Um... D-A-R-E DARE, can you read my lips, Shizune?" "...!" "I CAN READ THAT JUST FINE HISAO! WAHAHA~ NOW KISS MIKI ON THE LIPS AND MAKE UP!" "Wait, w-what?" You get up reluctantly, walk over to Miki, sit down in front of her, and stare her down. ...Neither of you will let your pride back down. "I'm... SORRY" "Well, I'm sorryER", Miki adds. "I'm even more sorry that that, I'm on my knees, apologizing from the bottom of my soul" "Well, I'm spilling my guts here, and considering hiring a poet to describe just how sorry I am" "...!" "SHUT UP AND KISS, WAHAHAHAHAHA!", Misha winks. ... You peck Miki on the lips. "There, done" "That was pathetic", Miki blurts out. You smacker down and plunge your lips against Miki's as hard as humanly possible. "HMM MMM BITCH"

704

... Miki doesn't seem to be backing down either. She pushes her face back into yours. "I'LL FUCKING KISS YOUR FACE OFF" "RAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRR" "HYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHH" The two of you continually angrily kiss each other. ...You back off to catch your breathe. "HAHA, I knew you weren't MAN enough" "You lesbian thunder cunt... It is now officially ON" You rip open Miki's blouse. "Uh... Hiichan?", Misha tries to stop you. "HA! Like he could ever make me feel ANYTHING with his little Asian ding-a-ling", Miki boasts while cackling. You latch onto Miki's breasts and grab hard. "Ah!~" "YOU WERE SAYING" Miki tears your shirt in two with her mighty single hand. ...She gives you a purple nurple. "AH! AHA-" "Hmph, PUSSY!", Miki provokes you. The two of you continually rip off articles of clothing until you're down to your underwear. You furiously penetrate Miki.

705

"OW!" "OW? FUCK YEAH, OW." "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, I BET YOU WON'T LAST FIVE SECONDS" "YOU FUCKING BITCH, THE AMOUNT OF ON THAT WAS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED HAS NOW BEEN TRIPLE-A-FIED. IT'S TRIPLE DOG DARE ON" You and Miki begin to furiously fuck in front of everyone in a contest that makes absolutely no sense to any normal person. "CUM!" "YOU FIRST!" "BITCH, I'LL BREAK YOU IN TWO-" *Splurt Splurt* "Oops, nope. Guess I'm done" You pull out of Miki, who's face has turned from brown to red in the last few minutes. "HAH.. HAH... TOLD YOU!" "Yeah, I guess you did, huh? Oh well, I lose, I guess" The two of you return to your original positions in the circle, naked. "I guess it was my spin now, wasn't it?", you go back to your normal tone. "U-Uh... Hisao, I think we'll call it a day", Takashi adds from out of the blue. "What? Why?" A mass exodus of students occurs, pretty soon it's just you and Miki facing each other. "..." "..." "...Wow, you sure drove them away", you sarcastically blurt out. "ME!? YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE WHO STARTED ALL OF THIS"

706

"You're right. AND I INTEND TO FINISH IT, YOU STUMP FISTING HARLOT" "RRRAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH" "AAAARRRRGGGHHHH" The two of you collide, nude, and do battle yet again. The battle sex raged throughout the ages. Winter turned to Spring, Spring turned to Summer, Fall turned to Winter, then Winter turned back into Fall for some reason. Empires rose and crumbled, tyrants rose to power and fell from it, a certain red haired cripple died of breast cancer, dogs married cats and cats raped mice, complete pandemonium. And that is the tale of how Code Geass S3 would've began.

707

Day of the Sharktopus

"AH HERM", the teacher clears his throat. "We have a new foreign exchange student joining us today..." "...!" "Where from, Wahaha!", Misha translates Shizune's sign language. "The... Sea?", the teacher flips through his chart. ! A dark skinned girl with tentacles growing from beneath her skirt slowly 'walks' her way to the front of the classroom. ...She has a shark fin sticking out of her back... "YO YO YO, THE NAME'S HACHISAME! AND... Erm... I have Sharkoctoitis!", the girl speaks with her razor sharp teeth shredding into each word that comes out. ... The classroom looks around, at one another, freaked out of their minds. But you just sit there... ...Vexed by her beauty... "Uh.. Right then, you can sit next to Hisao. And refrain from eating anyone in the classroom", the teacher comments. "Hah Ha! I love the first day jokes!" "Yeah, I wasn't... You know what, I don't even care anymore" Hachisame makes her way to the seat adjacent to you, Hanako appears to be freaking out the closer she gets. Hachi finally plops down and sits in a very polite stance... but then covers her mouth as she whispers to you. "Hi, I'm a Sharktopus" "Hi, I'm a Hisao"

708

The class resumes as if nothing happened, although the classroom remains a but uneasy at the new student. "Psst, Hachi" "Yo?" "Don't let everyone's cold shoulder get to you, on any other day, they're all just as boring as they are now" "I guess that means I'll have to stick with you, then!", she remarks while making a suction noise with her suction cups as she says STICK. "I got blind people I need to throw water balloons at after class, but after that, you wanna go grab a bite to eat?" "A BITE... to eat?", Hachi bares her razor teeth at you as you mention THAT word. "Totally" "Well, I am new here and I could use a friend... I suppose", she remarks while shrugging. "Then it's date, after school, I'll meet you up front" Hachisame turns back around to listen to the end of the lecture! You feel something brush against the side of your headA crumpled note falls in front of you. ...It's from Hanako... It reads, "H-Hisao, W-What", She stutters as she writes? Good god..., "A-are you doing? She's talking about... EATING YOU!" ... You understand where this failure of communication seems to be stemming from. You job down "Bigot, it's completely racist to think all black people go around just eating Asian's because they're so large" and lob it back to Hanako. ...She lobs it back to you.

709

"W-What!? It has nothing to do with her being black, she's a MONSTER!" ... You turn around and shoot Hanako a disapproving head shake. "How dare you, maybe YOU'RE the monster if you have something THAT cold hearted to say about a fellow classmate. I thought I raised you better than that, Hanako. I guess I was wrong!" You meet Hachisame at the school entrance, she greets you with a joyful wave of her arm. "Hey Kitten, you ready for our date?" "Kinda nervous, I've never been on a date before-" "Stop, you've never been on a date with ME before. I'll show you how's it's done!" "You've... dated a lot of girls then?", Hachisame begins to pout, her largest teeth seep through her lips. "Nope, you're my first" "O-OH!", Hachi bucks back up and swings her tentacles around as she clasps her hands together and rubs against them. ... Hanako seems to be poking her head from behind the staircase. ...Such childness. You and Hachi begin walking to the school gates.... She slips her tentacle through your hand and smiles at you. "This is totally gonna kick ass", you remark. ! Emi stops running in the distance during her track practice and stares cockeyed in disbelief at you and Hachi. "Man, girls sure do get jealous easily"

710

"S-So, Hisao. Where do you wanna go eat?" "Hmm? Suppose we couldn't gone back inside to the cafeteria... but they have such lousy food" "Tell you what, I'll meet you up on the school roof in a few, M'kay?" "Oh joy, more stairs..." You slip out of Hachisame's grip and dash back to your room. ...You keep some gourmet food recipes around just in case this ever happened. Thank God you played Fate/Stay Night. You whip something up in a hurry and package it into a picnic basket. After making sure everything's safe and your pants are still on, you open your door and make your way to the rooftop"STOP!" ! Emi, Hanako, Misha, Shizune, Lilly, and Rin run up to you in a mob. "H-H-Hisao, she's really going to e-eat you!" "DON'T DO IT, HISAO!" "From what I hear, this Hachisame sounds like an awful beast!" "...!" "Get eaten, see if I care! Wahaha~" "You too... Rin?", you peer to her. "Hmm? Oh no, I just saw the mob and wanted to be popular" "Ladies, I understand your jealousy. But, I, Hisao, have a date to get back to" You moonwalk away from them, pose, grab your crotch, and spontaneously disappear. ... "H-How did her do that?" "I gave up understanding anything the day my Hamster died of Dysentery", Rin blurts out.

711

... The girls look back to Rin. "I called him 'Sir Poops-A-Lot'" "HACHISAME~", you shout as you kick open the rooftop door. "Hisao!", she leaps on you the second your foot touches down on the rooftop. She wraps her tentacles around you and snuggles you for a couple seconds. "Wow, you're friendly as fuck" "I'm also very much... hungry", she wipes the saliva from her lips. "Well, I don't mean to brag, but all professional chef's are complete faggots compared to my cooking" "Oh? What did you make!?" You take out a sandbitch covered in tin foil and reveal it's manly creation. "GENTLE LADY, BEHOLD!" "...What... Is this?" "Tuna Fish, Cheetos, Powdered Sugar, Cajun Bar-B-Que sauce, Ham, Cheese, Peanut Butter, Jelly, and Sesame Seeds" Hachisame stares at you dumbfounded, and circles her gaze at you and the sandwich as it nears her mouth. Reluctantly, she chews down on the abomination. ... ! "T-This is...", her face swells up. "It's...?" "FREAKING DELICIOUS!", she yells as she begins to chow down.

712

"G-Glad you like it" "Marry me and make me food like this every time I come home!", Hachisame playfully sings with a smile. "Ha ha... I tend to put a piece of me with everything I cook, my love and determination if it were-" "Well, you taste DELICIOUS!-" ! You hear Hanako screaming somewhere in the background, but you stopped caring about her the second she became a close minded bigot. "This is most delicious... Next time I'll make something to repay you!", she smiles with her razor teeth stained in jelly and Bar-B-Que sauce. "That'd be nice" "Well, um... I don't know what you like. Hisao, what would you like to eat?" "I want to eat Hachisame" "H-Huh?" You pounce on Hachi and plant a kiss on her. She blinks twice before pushing you back with her tentacles. "H-Hisao, it's our first date!" "Your point?" "I'm not just some random hussy-" "Nope, you're my Hachi, starting now, I claim you" "That's uh... sweet in it's own weird way, I guess" "Are you saying you don't want to taste my delicious human flesh?", you show your bare skin. "..."

713

"Huh...? Huh...?" "Oh you!" She pounces right back on you and snuggles you with her human arms. Her tentacles circulate around your back and front, her moist suctions feel every part of your body they touch with tingling delight. ...She begins to nibble on your ear-You feel a slight pinch but she doesn't appear to be ripping it off. Success. "OM NOM NOM NOM!", you yell out as you playfully sink your teeth into her throat and nibble. "You taste delicious, Hisao~" "You don't, but I'll still eat you just because I like you~" She playfully takes her shirt off in the heat of the moment. "Maybe other parts of me taste better than some?", she shines her shark teeth at you. "Nyohoho, I'm an adventurer!" "H-H-H-HISAO!?", Hanako suddenly bursts the rooftop door open. "Huh?", Hachi peers her way. Hanako sees Hachisame locked onto you, red sauce seeping from her teeth, with you pinned down"G-GET OFF HISAO, YOU MONSTER!", Hanako shouts dramatically. "Uh... do you know this girl..?", Hachi asks lethargically. "Yeah, she's my apprentice. I teach her the ways of my people and occasionally plant hentai comics on her so she can get expelled from the Library" "Sounds funny..." "You should hear what I did to this blind chick-"

714

"H-HISAO!?" "Hanako, go away. I'm trying to score" "S-She's going to kill you!" "That's a risk I'm willing to take" "Eh... Hisao, I don't think I'm in the mood anymore" "Huh?" Hachi releases you from her octopus grip and normal grip. She begins to button her shirt back up"Let's stop for now" "W-Wait!" "It was fun though, we should totally do this again" "AH!! COME ON" "I'll see you later, OK?", Hachi shoots a flying kiss at you and walks her way to the rooftop entrance. You glare at Hanako who appears to be staring at your bleeding ear. "Well Hanako, I hope you're happy..." "F-For saving you life?" "Saving my life? Saving my life. Hah." Your eyes sparkle. "Let me repay you, in rape dollars" -Hanako never walked the same way again.

715

April Tools
"HISAO!", Lilly slams her hands on the table. "HUH!? WHAT?" "Your table manners, your speech, that... 'smell'... You're severely lacking in manners!" "What are you talking about? I'm VERY cultured and polite" You shift your legs and tap a spoon against your tea cup. "MORE TEA, SUGAR TITS!" "...", Lilly's eyes narrow in irritation. "Huh, I guess that was pretty impolite now that I've said it. Oh Lilly, will you teach me-" "On how to become a Gentleman?" "-Fireman. Wait, gentleman? I don't think I'm cut out for that high class nonsense, Lil" "Never say never, Hisao!", Lilly springs up in delight, "Oh, this will be ever so much fun!" "Haha, yeah I doubt that" Lilly clears her throat and takes a firm stance. "MR. NECKTIE!" "YES, MISS.... Uh...", you can't remember Lilly's last name. "It's Satou, Hisao", she whispers under her breathe. "RIGHT! YES, MS. SATOU?", you roar as you stand up and salute her. "We shall begin with your speech, which is quite simply atrocious" "Atrocious? The fuck that mean-?" Lilly slaps you over the head with a ruler. "OW SHIT!", you yelp in pain. Lilly strikes you again.

716

"STOP! CHRIST!" "From now on, if you say something inappropriate, I will punish you accordingly", Lilly exclaims in a rather unorthodox tone. "Now, Mr. Necktie, repeat after me", Lilly speaks while sipping from her tea cup, pinky extended. You gulp and remain perfectly still, maybe she won't be able to hit you if she can't feel your location. "Diction is done with the tip of the tongue and the teeth" "Dicks are fun with the tip of your tongue preferably without teeth" Lilly chucks a blackboard eraser at your face. "AH! WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND THAT- HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE I WAS-" "MR. NECKTIE! Repeat after me please." "R-Right, what was the phrase again?" "Diction is done with the tip of the tongue and the teeth" "Diction is... done with the tip of the tongue... and the teeth?" "Very good Hisao, you pronounced each word correctly and well. I think you deserve a reward" "You're not gonna balance a doggy treat on my nose, are you?" "No..." Lilly slowly unbuttons her blouse. "( )"

"Right then, on to the next lesson!", Lilly scoots her chair back into the table. "Lesson? LESSON! Right then!" "Repeat after me, 'How do you do?'" "HOW DO YOU DO?-"

717

Lilly pokes you in the forehead with her blind pole. "To be a Gentleman, you must remain calm at all times, even in the face of death. Can you do that, Hisao?" "YE- Yes, I quite can, Ms. Satou" "How do you do?", Lilly plainly states again. "How do you do?", you repeat, in a dignified tone. "Very good, Mr. Necktie...", Lilly unbuttons the rest of her blouse. Lilly's bra is now visible... "MY WORD!", you exclaim your delight but while in character. You don't want Lilly to change her mind. "Now then, on to the next lesson", Lilly pours you another cup of tea. "More tea? I dare say, it smells delightful, Ms. Satou!" Lilly's sudden smile looks slightly off putting for some reason. "Indeed... There's a certain elegance to drinking tea, Mr. Necktie. Taking gentle sips and allowing the aroma to overtake your senses is a certain delight only dignified gentlemen and ladies experience" You gulp down the tea like a cheap soda can. "HMMM... AROMA" Lilly gets up, feels her way around the table to you, flicks you across the forehead, and finds her way back to her seat. ...She pours you another cup. "Let's try that again, shall we? And remember Hisao, a Gentleman never lies" "Rightey-oh", you exclaim while slowly sipping your tea cup this time. ...? The moist smell the tea generates circulates it's way into your nose and eye sockets.

718

...It kinda stings. "Oh! Also, as you drink the tea, it's quite polite to extend your pinky like so-", Lilly explains as she demonstrates. "Y-Yeah...", you imitate it, but fail to see how that affects anything. "Hoho... quite exemplary, Hisao!", Lilly seems to know you did exactly as she said. She slowly slides off her skirt, revealing that she does indeed, have colorless underwear underneath her pantyhose. Lilly takes off her blouse as well, and neatly folds both articles of clothing and lays them in front of her on the table. "One more test... Mr. Necktie?" "And what would that be, Ms. Satou?" "You understand a Gentleman can never ever lie, correct?" "I completely, unequivocally understand" "Have you ever put alcohol into my tea?" You wanted to tell her the truth, but your Courage Level is too low... "N-No Lilly, I'd never do that, I swear!" "You swear...?" "Trust me, I'd never do anything like that to you, no matter how funny it would've been" "...", Lilly cocks her head. "Why do you ask?" "I-I heard some things from my sister" "Oh" "She told me you told her that you got me drunk and messed around with me" "She's just mad because I found an embarrassing picture of her and posted it on /b/" "That would be a deplorable thing to do..."

719

"Didn't do it, honest" "...Oh Hisao... I knew you wouldn't have done anything of that sort!", Lilly walks over towards you and gazes in your general direction. "Well then... Shan't we continue this frivolous affair, young lady?", you get back into the mood. "Hohoho... I think we shall...", Lilly disconnects her bra behind her and lets the laces fall while she keeps the cups in place with her hands. "Nyohoho!", you Nyohoho. "Oh Hisao... you make me so hot I can't even think straight" "Awesome" "I think we should undress our bodies, take this outside, and make love in..." "...In...?" "...A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!", Lilly's voice suddenly loses it's feminine charm. "WHAT" Lilly removes her bra to reveal a ugly man chest, lets her breathe out and with it, her beer gut falls out. "OH GOD, WHO ARE YOU!?" Lilly takes off her wig and contacts to reveal...! "CHRIS FARLEY!?" "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM" "B-BUT YOU'RE DEAD!" "NOT DEAD, JUST HIBERNATING!" Chris Farley leaps up into the air, his fat flobbing around, he descends upon you like a meteor. "RAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRR", he yells as he crashes down upon everything that crosses his path.

720

The school explodes and you with it, causing a 8.9 earthquake to rock all across Japan. Volano's erupt, Nuclear Plants explode, Tsunami's lay waste and destroy the populous. But if you think that's bad, I played Dragon Age 2.

721

Genderswap Madness Hour

You are Misao Necktie, Destroyer of Dicks. You kick open the art room door and emerge inside. "Oh Rin~", you shoot out, in your usual cheerful yet scary tone. "Hmm...?", the armless druggy looks over your way from the windowsill. You rip open your blouse, revealing seven points on your body you rubbed in with an eraser. "SAY MY NAME!", you deepen your voice. "I'd rather not" "FOOL! I AM KENSHIRO! SAY MY NAME!" "Misao, you're never here unless you're gonna do something weird", Rin explains with a sandwich in his mouth, "I think I'll just get it out of the way and ask what you want" "Hohoho~ I heard you were having problems opening your can of CAR-BO-NATE-ED SODA" "So? I don't need a helper monkey or anything" Monkey... Monkey... Monkey... The word echoes in the back of your head and your eyes fill up with rage. "Oh shit." "I AM NOT A MONKEY!", you yell as you pounce Rin. You sink your teeth into his leg"Ow ow, stop!" "YOU TASTE LIKE CANNABIS" You sink your teeth out Rin's leg and sit on the table next to him. ...You begin swinging your legs up and down...

722

"So... Whatcha doin'?", you ask in wonder. "Eating... Lunch?" "Cool" "..." "...Something wrong?" "I... Need to pee" "Don't worry, I'll help you out!" "Eh...?", Rin turns to-YOU GRAB HIM BY THE SLEEVE AND PULL HIM INTO THE HALLWAY. "M-Misao, stop! You're hurting me-" "Shuddup, consider yourself lucky I'm even OFFERING this SERVICE!" You pull him into the boys restroom. ...Jemi seems to be inside using the urinal. "HI JEMI!", you wave to the legless health freak with Rin's crotch in your other hand. "...I was just finishing", Jemi blurts out before zipping up his pants and bursting out the restroom entrance. ... "EW" "You're in a boys bathroom, Misao" "Not that... He didn't wash his hands" You pull Rin towards the urinal"M-Misao, I know this might come as a shocker but being seen with a girl helping me pee would kinda suck" "What? For who?"

723

"Can I just use the stall?" "INTO THE STALL!", you boast while pulling Rin inside and slamming the door behind you. "Look, I didn't ask for any help. I can do this just fine on my own. I don't need a helper-" "MONKEY!?" "I didn't say Monkey" "MONKEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYY!", you shout as you jam your hand down Rin's pants. "...God dammit.", Rin lets out a embarrassed and frustrated sigh. "Searching... Searching...", you touch Rin's tip with your nail, "MISSION START!" You take out Rin's flaccid penis and unbutton his pants for better leverage. "C-Cold..." "OK HOTSHOT! Blast away!", you speak out in engrish despite this being a English story. "I... don't really feel like doing it now" "What?" "I mean, with you here, it's kinda hard to go" "Hmm... Does pee come out like semen does?" "Excuse me?" "Well, if I stroke it will that help?" "Not really, be kinda counter intuitive really" "How about if I'm gentle about it? You know, guide out the pee with the tip of my fingers!" "This is starting to sound dirty" "Haha! It totally is, isn't it? However..." You tighten your grip on Rin's dick.

724

"AH!" "I'm also getting impatient" "Misao, I can't go!" "Just.. Imagine a river or creek or something. Or a hose just spraying all over the place real happy-like! Or a fountain-" "O-Oh... Alright, that helps-" "It might help if you close your eyes too" Rin closes his eyes and his breathing begins to quicken. ... ....His dick is starting to get bigger. "...Rin?" "Yo" "You don't have to pee at all, do you?" "Yeah, I don't" "...You're just trying to get me to jack you off, aren't you?" "No?" "Then why is your dick getting bigger?" "Cause" "Cause what?" "A girl's handling it, it's kinda a proven scientific fact that that sort of thing occurs" "..." You take a look at Rin's dick, it's pulsating goodness fills you with uncontrollable female wrath. ...You stroke it once-

725

! Rin ejaculates all over the side of the wallA little bit of it touches your eye. "AH!", you're taken by surprise at the sudden splurt, making you fall backwards with Rin's dick still in your hand. "M-MISAO!", Rin yelps out. The two of you collapse through the stall-door and onto the bathroom floor. ...Hano seems to be outside, washing his hands. He looks at you on the floor with Rin's dick in hand, sperm everywhere. He stares shockingly at you, forgetting his hands are still in the sink. "...Hi Hano!", you wave to the shy burn scarred dude with semen on your hand. "I-IGOTTABESOMEWHEREELSE!", he yells while rushing out the doorway. "Well, atleast he washed his hands" "M-Misao...?" "Yeah, Tiger?" "I have to pee again" "HI! I'M HISAO NECKTIE, DESTROYER OF CUNTS" "AND I'M MISAO NECKTIE, DESTROYER OF DICKS!" "..." "..." "You look like a Monkey" "I AM NOT A MONKEY!" Misao pounces on Hisao and rips down his pants, then grabs a firm hold of his dick-

726

"YOUR DICK IS MINE, MINE, MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!" "Wait" "WHAT" "If I jizz inside you and you get pregnant... What would the baby be like..?" "...Hmm..." "Yeah, think about that one".

727

Redundancy Fundancy
! The bell rings much to your selfish delight. You moonwalk outside the classroom while everyone else exits normally. "Pfffft, NORMIES", you criticize their lack of style. You spin around to do your pelvic grab and thrust! "HNNNNNNGGGGGGGG", you suddenly feel your heart telling you to go fuck yourself. Reluctantly, you take out your bottle of heart medication-But it's empty... "FUCK ME SIDEWAYS AND CALL ME RONALD MCDONALD, I NEED TO MAKE HASTE TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE!", you state before giving chase. FAPPO! You barge through the Nurse's doorway and collapse inside. "PEELZ HERE!?", you blurt out while your face is smooshed against the floor. "Pills are indeed here, Hisao", the Nurse responds without looking up from his clipboard. "WHY DON'T YOU PILL ME UP THERE, FRY-MAN", you put on your best Carl impersonation. "What happened to the bottle of pills I gave you yesterday?" "I THREW THEM AT SEAGULLS" "Why?" "WHY NOT!? FUCK SEAGULLS!" "Well, whatever. I'll be back in a second with your heart medication, just... don't touch anything", he states rather sternly before going into the supply room. ...

728

You feel slightly unnerved... as if... someone is watching you...? ! You turn to the left and see something move in the side of your eye for a second in the doorway. ... "Eh, it's probably nothing or something, more nothing than something I'm betting" "Hisao, I'm back with your heart medication", Nurse-man reemerges from the shadows. "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH" "If you see a pack of Seagulls, what are you going to do?" "NOT.. THROW MY PILLS AT THEM?" "Just so long as you've learned something" You grab the bottle of pills, slip one down, and backflip out of the Nurse's Office. The next day... Shizune pokes you, trying to wake you up in the middle of a lecture. "...!", Shizune signs to Misha. "Hisao, HISAO! WAKE UP, WAHAHA!", Misha translates Shizune's deaf/mute bitch movements. "Go to hell", you retort under your breath. The teacher enters the room after a period of mysterious absence. "Listen up class, we have another new student joining us today!", the unamused teacher suddenly announces. ! The bell rings, signaling the end of class. "Who I guess I will introduce tomorrow...", he signs off.

729

You suddenly jump up on your seat and point like Jotaro Joestar. "FUCK YOU SHIZUNE, FUCK YOU MISHA, FUCK YOU MIKI, SUZU- you're actually pretty cool, AND FUCK YOU NAOMI, I'M OUTEY", you roar as you exit the school room. You moonwalk outside the classroom like last time while everyone else exits normally. "Pfffft, NORMIES", you criticize their lack of style. You spin around to do your pelvic grab and thrust... ? Your eyes meet up with a white haired girl who seems to be invading your personal space. Like, literally, she's a couple inches away from your face. "...?" "..." "Can I... erm... help you with something?" "Your name's... Hisao, correct?", the white haired girl asks while staring you down with her piercing red eyes. "Yeah" "Hi, Hisao..." "Uh... Hello?" "I saw you yesterday, you walking around, acting like an idiot" "Sounds like something I'd do" "I overheard you had a problem with your heart" "You heard right, my heart's racist against living" The girl's eyes suddenly light up, despite remaining strangely apathetic. "You're... just like me", she plainly states.

730

"Huh?" The girl rips open her blouse to reveal a surgery scar going down her chest. "HUH?" "Hisao, you seem like a loner... I know that feeling very well, being all by yourself for years on end-" "H-Hey now, I'm nothing like that-" "You and I have so much in common... We should fill each others voids like a completed jigsaw puzzle", the girl states while staring through your soul with her blood red eyes. "Ah hah... Right. Well, it was nice meeting you, whatever your name was, but I'm gonna go grab supper now-", you blurt out as you make a mad dash for the cafeteria. "My name's Rika Takayami-", she says quietly out loud behind you. You slide into the cafeteria and right into the lunch line. "HAH... HAH... T-That was fucking weird", you come to a swift conclusion. "Yo, Hisao!", Emi greets you in-line. "Hey there Emi, what are you ordering? A breakfast bar?" "Bagel and Milk, lots and lots of Milk" "For supper?" "I know, I like to gorge myself sometimes!" "You know, drinking a lot of milk's not gonna make your breasts grow any larger" Emi steps on your foot with her fake leg, unknowingly crushing your toes in 15 different places. The two of you get your respectable meals and sit down at a deserted table. "Hisao? Are you all right? You're about as red as a tomato" "It's nothing" !

731

You feel that same uneasy feeling in your gut from that time in the Nurse's Office. You peer around to see the white headed girl staring at you from behind the cafeteria entrance. "....Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~", she quietly Jii's. "Huh? Hisao, who's that?", Emi quickly catches on. "N-Nobody!" You go back to eating your Snicker's Bar Taco. You pimp stride into the tea room and rip open your shirt to reveal seven scars. "SAY MY NAME! SAY IT!", you continue despite knowing Lilly's blind. "H-Hi Hisao", Hanako greets you while sipping her tea cup. "Salutations, Hisao!", Lilly politely greets you, which is better than regular greeting because she does so with a pink raised. "I could sure use a cup of tea right now!", you pull up a chair and sit next to Hanako, who gets out a spare tea cup for you, as if on some sort of signal. "One cup of tea, coming right up!", Lilly giddily says while picking up the Tea kettle. ! T-THAT UNEASY FEELING!? "NO...", you shoot out as you turn your head to the left. ... ! That white haired, red eyed, crazy girl from before is outside in the hallway, peering inside. "...Jiiiiiiiiiiii~", she continually Jii's. "AH!", you yelp. "Huh? Is something the matter, Hisao?", Lilly asks with a worried face.

732

"H-Ha ha, it's nothing!", you explain. You look to your left again... ...She's gone... After enjoying a cup of tea with the Yin/Yang pantyhose duo, you make your way back into the hallway. You begin walking to the Art Room. ...You stop and peer back over your shoulder. ! The girl is slowly trailing behind you. ...You quicken your pace. ...She does as well. ! You jump inside the Art Room and shut the door behind you, locking it in the process. There's no way that girl can bother you now! "Huh?", Rin blurts out with a paintbrush in her mouth. "Hi Rin", you greet the armless girl who resides in the artistic dump. "Hisao... Why'd you lock the door?" "It's raping time, quite obviously" "Just remember to keep it open when you leave, I hate trying to turn a knob with my foot-" ! UNEASY FEELINGThe white haired girl is outside the Art Room window, with her heard pressed against it, staring at maximum capacity. "Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~"

733

T-THAT GIRL! "AHHHHHHHHHH!", you scream while falcon punching the Art Room door off and scrambling. You sprint back into the hallway"...!" "HI HIICHAN! WANNA JOIN THE STUDENT COUNCIL-" "GO FUCK YOURSELVES!", you yell while skidding past Misha and Shizune. You slide off the staircase and crash upside down onto the first floor, near the School entrance. "Ow...", you speak out in pain. ! The girl bends over in front of you, out of the blue. "Hi, Hisao", she speaks in rather emotionless voice. Her piercing red eyes are the last thing you see before you black out. "..." You come to, in your room no less... ...But you can't move. "This can only end badly", you quickly realize you're tied down on your bed, House MD blanket and all. "Oh...You're finally awake?", the girl's voice rings out. "And... W-Where might you be?", you try to shift your body around, looking for any clue as to the girl's whereabouts. ! She suddenly leans over the back of your head, her sudden appearance makes you feel even more uneasy.

734

"...Jiiiiiiiiii~", she stares at you without blinking. "Stop that, it's just getting silly now" She shifts her body down to the side of your bed and kneels down next to you, still just astaring away. "So... this is your room?" "How did you find that out?" "Your room number's on the back of your room key", she explains in a gentle tone. "Haha.. yeah.." "..." "..." "..." "So... what now?" Rika places her hand on your crotch. "Oh dear" "Hisao..." "Y-Yeah?" "I want you to be my Husband", Rika states while staring into your eyes with her piercing red glow. "Meep" ! A knock from your door... "..Hold that thought", she comments as she answers the door. ...It's Hanako and Emi with a box of Chocolate. "...", the female accelerator peers at the two.

735

"W-Who are you?", Hanako asks, chocolate in hand. "Rika" "Well... 'Rika'... If that IS your real name, why are you in Hisao's room?", Emi asks with sunglasses on even though it's night-time. "SHE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!", you yell from your bed. "Yeah, I'm trying to rape him", she plainly states. "Huh. You're trying to rape him...", Emi repeats. "Yes, that's correct. I'm trying to rape him" "HEY BITCHES!", Kenji suddenly enters the scene. "...", Rika turns her gaze to what could only be described as a 'Shit faced Harry Potter'. "HEY HEY HEY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCHES DOING HERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HISAO'S ROOM? WHERE THE FUCK IS HIS- OH YOU CRAFTY WHORES MUST BE TRYING TO SILENCE HIM!", Kenji half sobers up in anger. "No. I'm trying to consummate my love with him", Rika retorts. "TRYING TO RAPE HIM, EH!? WELL BITCH, YOU CHOSE THE WRONG CHICKEN TO CHOKE", Kenji roars as he puts up his dukes. ... Rika lifts up her skirt slightly and courteously bows to Kenji as if she was a maid in a mansion. "How do you do?", she politely asks. "OH... UM... HOW DO YOU DO?", Kenji returns the bow, very drunkenly. Rika latches onto Kenji's head while he's bowing and knees him in the face. "GAH", Kenji tumbles backwards. "RIKA!", you yell directly behind her. "?", she turns around to see you standing before you... Still tied to a mattress.

736

"I'm not entirely sure what your situation is, but you just can't force yourself on unwilling people-" You stop and look over at Hanako and Emi. "What the fuck are you two doing here?" "Boredom" "Y-Yeah, mainly boredom... A-And chocolate" "ANYWAY, I'm not entirely sure WHAT your situation is, but you just can't force your love on somebody. It can't be considered love unless it's a mutual emotion felt by both parties, much like buttsex, but UNLIKE buttsex, there can't be only one receiving end" "Hisao...", Rika begins to swell up in tears at your poetic approach on the issue of love. "Rika, what I'm trying to say is, in time, I might be able to stomach your awkward advances and stalker bitch mannerisms. But until that day comes-" You place a rag full of chloroform on the lower half of Rika's face. ...She falls unconscious within seconds. "And much like most of life's problems, this one was solved with chloroform" "H-Hisao! You just can't-", Hanako starts up. ...You chloroform Hanako. "OH MAN, MY NOSE, I THINK THAT CRAZY BITCH BROKE MY NOSE-", Kenji gets up. ...You chloroform Kenji. Emi kneel's down and examines Rika's body. "Ah, a heart surgery scar...", Emi begins to ponder, "I think I know what's going on here now!" "Yeah, I don't even care anymore" "Jeez Hisao, can't you see? You could say...", Emi flicks on another pair of shades over the ones she already had on, "You stole her heart!" "..."

737

"..." "..." You chloroform Emi.

738

Shower with Rin

"AHHHHHHHHHH!", you scream outside your window to proclaim your manly presence. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!", Kenji responds outside, seemingly random. ! You notice a piece of paper next to your door. ...You examine it, closely, thoroughly, and in your underwear. It reads: "Dear Hisao, meet me next to the girl's shower room tonight at 11:00, Signed and Dated, Rin" ... "PS. Bring a towel" NYOHOHO! You command the sun to drop and will the moon into it's place. You sneak into the school building and make your way to the Shower Room Entrance, then stand idly by. AND NOW... WE WAIT! ...Unless Rin stood you up or somethingWait, why did she invite you here in the first place? Why did you accept without even thinking about what she wanted to do...? This could all be a ruse...A pretense to some mad scheme she cooked up to turn you into some sort of art project but it was too illegal to do during the day"Hi, Hisao", Rin apathetically greets you out of the blue. "Oh, hi... Rin" ...! S-SHE'S NAKED! "R-RIN, WHERE BEITH THOU CLOTHING!?"

739

"Keep it down. I need you help" "Yeah?" "I can't scrub my back, so I need you to help me bathe" "NYOHOHO!" "I said keep it down" "...Nyohoho..." You stop and plunge your finger into your skull to scratch your brain. "Wouldn't you rather ask Emi to do this with you?" "I would, but she seems to be missing as of late" "But couldn't you just as easily of asked any of the... FEMALE students to help you do this?" "I suppose I could have", Rin fluffles your hair with her foot, "But I like ya, you big stupid oaf. So I want you to" "Good enough for me, but wouldn't the shower room be locked at this hour-" Rin suddenly balances a key on her tongue. "Rero rero?", you ask. "Rero rero", Rin replies. The two of you enter the pitch black shower room, and lock the door behind you. "Feel around for the light switch, Hisao" "Alright" ...You flick Rin's nipple by mistake. "I wish my breasts could inhibit light", Rin plainly remarks. You finally find the light switch and the slick shower room reflects the light in a blinding display.

740

"Hisao, your clothes are still on" "Oh hey, you're right! My mistake" You tear off the school uniform in one tug, like a cheap stripper uniform, revealing your tiger thong. "...", Rin stares at you in wonder. "I was saving that for Hanako's birthday", you explain while removing your underwear. You walk over and grab hold of one of the shower heads then turn the faucet, Rin sits her naked butt down next to you. "You sure the... water system thing would still be on even during the middle of the night" "I've showered at night before, Hisao" "Isn't that just a haunting thought-" The shower head suddenly sprays cold water all over your face. "BLAAAAAAARRRRAAAA", you gurgle. Rin begins to crack up, but only slightly, because this is Rin we're talking about. "C-C-C-Cold!" "I bet it is" "R-R-R-REVENGE!", you shout as you turn the shower head on Rin. "C-C-C-CHILLING!", Rin shouts. "I BET IT IS~" Rin grabs a shower head with her mouth and turns the faucet all the way down HOT. She sprays you in the crotch with steaming hot water. "AH-HA-HA! MY BALLS!" The two of you continue chasing each other around, spraying one another for the next five minutes.

741

"I SURRENDER, HISAO! JA ME RENDS! JA ME RENDS!", Rin yells as her nipples sharpen from the cold water. "I WILL RULE YOU" Rin sits down on a stool, soaked. "What do you want to do first, Hisao?", Rin asks, knowingly giving you the puppy dog pout. "H-HNNNNNNNGGGGG", you stop and think about it. "Well, since I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to help you in your time of need, I think it's only fair you wash ME as well" "...I suppose you're right. And when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right" "Glad you see things my w-" Rin shoves her foot into your crotch. "-ay" "You always start with the dirtiest places" "Atleast wait for me to sit down first" You ignore the nearby stool and sit down on the cold shower floor. Rin follows your example and sits herself behind you, bar of soap in mouth. "I'm surprised you can keep that soap there" "I've tasted my fair share of bitter things" Rin rubs her chest against your back and lets the soap slip between your two bodies. "What are you doing now?" "Washing your back..." "You're not... using your legs?" "I'm using my breasts" "You're using your breasts"

742

"I am using my breasts", Rin remarks, cocky as fuck. Rin rubs her soap covered chest across the back of your body. "That feels... well 'there'. But it's making me feel... weird" "Down here?" Rin wraps her legs around your abdomen, and uses the tip of her feet to touch your penis. "It's like you're psychic!" "I think my back's... clean, Rin" "Well then, I better finish up the front" Rin shifts her body around you and sits down in front of you, her legs stretched out of yours. "EVERY SPOT MUST BE SQUEAKY CLEAN!", you boast. "Every spot will be squeaky clean when I'm done", Rin plainly states. Rin washes your chest the same way she washed your back, with her tits. ! The sight of Rin rubbing her chest up and down against you begins to take it's tole... As if seeing Rin naked didn't wound you in the first place. ! Rin stops. "...Hisao" "Yo" "Something's poking my thigh" "Yes, something is indeed touching your thigh" "Is it your penis?"

743

"Aye, Lassy" Rin looks downwards at your crotch, and then looks at her current position. "You can stick it in at anytime, you know", Rin remarks. "...Excuse me?" "Your dick. You can stick it in at any time, you know" ! Rin stating that out of the blue only makes you bigger, you're beyond full capacity as it is... Now it's starting to hurt. But, you're a MAN DAMN IT, you don't give in to simple temptation! The tip of your dick touches the very tip of Rin's. "Hisao, fuck me" "You don't have to ask me twice-" The tip of your dick gently enters Rin"WRONG HOLE!", Rin yells as she jerks her body back. "My mistake!" You enter Rin's other hole, rather easily it seems. "That's better...", Rin states as she continues rubbing against your chest with her soap soaked body. "Man, the hot water really dulled my senses", you blurt out as you can barely feel Rin's insides. "I can feel you just fine", Rin shoots a smile. You latch onto Rin's ass for that comment and squeeze it tight. Rin's body continually washes you and fucks you silly. ...Her pace quickens as well.

744

"Ha... Hey... Hisao" "Yeah?" "Have you ever ejaculated inside someone before?" "No, I always get sidetracked or the girl turns into a vampire or something-" ! Rin's vaginal muscles begin milking you"I don't think that's gonna be the case this time-!", you yell as you plunge deeper into Rin. ! ! ! Splurt splurt splurt. You unload a healthy batch of semen inside Rin, staining her insides with your DNA. ... Slowly, Rin lifts herself off your dick. The contents inside her pussy begin to leak out. "Satisfied?", Rin asks while catching her breathe. "That'll do pig, that'll do" You sit idly in the middle of the shower room with Rin sitting her bare ass on your naked lap. "So... What now?", you ask while playing with Rin's tits. "Hold that thought and lock it down", Rin says as she gets up. Rin walks over by her towel and take something out from underneath it. ... ...It's a bag of weed.

745

"It's technically morning now, Hisao" "WAKE AND BAKE!?" "Wake and bake" Rin digs out her Ipod from her blanket as well and flips it to 'Today was a Good Day' by Ice Cube with her tongue. The two of you spend the rest of the night/morning blazed out of your minds with music echoing throughout the shower room. The End.

746

A Working Title does more than a Jobless Title

"Hi, I'm Hisao Necktie, and this is 'Library Boogy'", you speak into Kenji's hidden camera. You calmly open the entrance to the library. Around this time, Hanako should be in her usual spot, reading a book. ! And she is. You walk over to Hanako and sit down next to her beanie bag on the floor. "H-Hi, Hisao", Hanako gently greets you with her innocent voice. "Hey Hanako, what are you reading?" "Godzilla, the l-later days-" "You know what helps me read?", you interrupt Hanako's innocent babble. "No... Wh... What?" "Music, here, you try it!", you exclaim while handing Hanako your stolen Ipod. You switch it to speaker and 'Fly Away Now'. "...", the beat begins pounding in Hanako's ear. "Helping any?" "I-I didn't need any help to begi-" "You know, this music kinda makes you feel like dancing, doesn't it?" "I-I guess...?" "Kinda makes me feel like dancing RIGHT NOW!" In one, fluid motion, you rip off your school uniform and reveal your banana hammock. You begin dancing around Hanako, as if you were a male stripper, swinging your crotch into her face.

747

Hanako remains still, staring at you in unfathomably disbelief and shock. "UMF UMF!", you shout as you dry hump the air. "H-HISAO!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!" "FLY AWAY NOW, FLY AWAY NOW, FLY AWAY!" "WHAT IN SAM HELL-", Yuuko the librarian gets up from behind her pile of books. Yuuko chases you out of the Library with a broom, but you keep on dancing the entire way out, the beat of the music is your master now. "QUIT BEING SUCH A MUSIC HATER!", you yell to her as you grind the Library Door. "GET OUT AND STAY OUT!", Yuuko yells as she slams the door behind you. "KENJI, DID YOU GET THAT!?", you yell outside to Kenji, who's sitting down, fiddling with his Camera. "GOT IT ALL, MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT NEXT?" "I have... an idea", you explain while getting out a bag full of water balloons. "I'M JOHNNY NECKTIE, AND THIS 'MARCO LOLO'... Part dues", you yell into Kenji's camera. ... Quietly, you open the doors to the classroom where the blind people are taught. They all appear to be seated, having idle conversations, read/touching a book, very common stuff. You quietly walk into the front of the classroom and wave your arms around... ...Everyone here appears to be nearly if not completely blind. ...Bueno! You and Kenji creep to the very back of the room and carefully dig into the bag full of Water Balloons. ... You toss a water balloon at one of the blind guys in front.

748

The sudden splash shakes him up and makes him trip out of her chair. "WHOA WHOA WHOA?!", he yells out. "Eh? What's the matter", the person sitting next to him asks while staring blankly at nothing. "W-WHO THREW THAT!?", he yells at the classroom. ...You quietly dig out another water balloon and lob it at the same guy. "BLAH!", he shout as he gets taken back. "Are you OK?", the same guy asks him. "BET YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, DON'T YOU ASSHOLE!?", the soiled blind man yells as he gets up and motions towards the other guy's voice. "Who are you talking to, *****?", you bleep out the man's name so he'll never know. The wet blind man bitch-slaps the concerned classmate, under the impression that he was behind the whole thing. "AH!", he pathetically yelps girlish-like as he falls backwards. "NOBODY BITCH SLAPS MY BOYFRIEND!", a random blind girl yells as she gets up and punches the nearest person. You lob a water balloon at the blind girl. "WHAT THE FUCK!?", she yells as she's taken back by the sudden hydration. "HAHAHA!", a random blind person begins cracking up at what he's hearing.... The wet blind girl follows his laughter and knees him in the face. "WHY I OUTTA!", the man who was punched before gets up and throws his chair across the room, hitting a girl in the back. "WHO DID THAT!?" "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" "MOTHERFUCK!" Time to take it up a notch.

749

...You pinch the ass of a random Blind girl"W-WHO TOUCHED MY ASS!?" "WHAT?" "SOMEBODY TOUCHED MY ASS" "WHO WOULD WANT TO TOUCH YOUR ASS, YOU ATTENTION WHORE", another random blind girl yells out. ...You pinch that blind girl's ass. "AH! YOU BITCH!", the girl lobs herself in your direction, but meets up with the first guy your threw water balloons at before. "AHHHH, SHE'S BITING MY NIPPLE!", he screams out. "NOBODY BITES MY BOYFRIEND'S NIPPLE!", the wet girl turns around and axe kicks another blind student. Within seconds, the room breaks out into an all-out blind war. You and Kenji continue chugging Water Balloons into people until you run out. The two of you exit with more priceless footage. "I'M EMI! AND THIS HERE'S 'THE SHOPPING CART.... RIDE... THING...', IT'S GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!" You stuff Emi into a shopping cart and push her through the school halls. "BERSERKER BARRAGE!", you shout as you run into people. "HEY! STOP THAT HISAO!", a random handless student replies. "BERSERKER BARRAGE!", you retort. You push Emi into a classroom full of desks, and run them over. "H-Hey...", Suzu wakes up as she no longer has anything to rest her head on. "BERSERKER... BARRAGE!", you yell into Suzu's face. "HISAO! HISAO!", Emi yells to you in full force.

750

"YO, WHY YOU TRIPPIN' DOG?", you reply. "GET ME CLOSE TO PEOPLE, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH THIS SWORD", Emi shouts as she brandishes a stick. You push Emi back into the hallway and continue casually raping your way through to the end of the hall, were only a conveniently placed window appears. "FFFFFFFFFF-", you yell as you can't come to a stop. The two of you smash through the window and outside. You land into a bush, were Emi can't see you. She comes to, looks around, and yells your name to make sure you're OK. ... "BERSERKER BARRAGE!", you scream as you jump up behind Emi and dig your fingers into her sides. You tickle her until she urinates herself, laugh, and freeze time long enough to enjoy a homemade smoothy. "ATTENTION STUDENTS, WAHAHA~", Misha shouts through a Megaphone... on the wrong end. "...!" "EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO ENTER THE ANNUAL YAMFUCKU HIGH CROSS DRESSING CONTEST, STEP UP!" ... The classroom remains silent, students shifting their heads back and forth in sheer perplexion. ... You step up, the light from the very heavens themselves descend upon your being, filling every step you take towards the two Student Council Members with everblinding god-like light. "You have my sword", you kneel down to the two.

751

... The rest of the classroom begins to follow your brave example. Not out of admiration, but out of envy and fear. For if they could not out brave your bravery, what bravery would they retain? Not bravery, the opposite of bravery... UNbravery! "YOU'RE GOING DOWN, HISAO!", Kenji yells into your ear. "Kenji, what the fuck are you doing here? You're not in my class" "THIS BITCH ISN'T HOME-EC!? SHIIIIIT", Kenji drunkenly and half-blindly stumbles away. "SO, WAHAHA, IT LOOKS LIKE MOST OF THE CLASSROOM'S INTO THIS, SHIICHAN~", Misha signs to Shizune. "...!", Shizune signs furiously back. "DON'T FORGET TO TELL THEM WHEN IT IS, MISHA- Oh wait, I'm Misha" "HANAKO!", you yell towards the back, drawing attention to the scared little girl. "EEP!", Hanako hides behind a book. "I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND SIGN YOU UP, M'KAY!", you shout to her. "N-NO!", Hanako protests, her eyes going into a dizzyingly stressed phase. "YOU CAN SIGN UP ANYONE YOU WANT, HIICHAN!", Misha rewardingly states. "NYOHOHO~ DO I HAVE SOME SURPRISES FOR SOME PEOPLE" Opening of the Cross-Dressing Contest. You make your way into the nearby classroom to prepare, apparently, the contest is taking place in the cafeteria. Swiftly and diligently, you change into Hanako's spare school uniform you took without asking months ago. Some may call that stealing, but you had a sudden need to feel the breeze between your knees.

752

You adjust your newly worn skirt, trying to get it down far enough to cover your hairy legs. The schoolgirl uniform is tight and uncomfortable... But man, is it pretty. "Pfffffft, Hisao, you look ridiculous!", Emi laughs next to you. ... "Were you here the entire time I was getting dressed?" "Yeah Huh", Emi casually replies. "Get out" "But I want to wear your spare outfit!", Emi annoying pleads. "You wouldn't want to wear my clothes, trust me, every man marks his clothes with the lives of millions of unborn children" "What?" "Nevermind, here, you can have it but I seriously doubt it's gonna fit you-" ? You can't seem to find your clothes... Y-YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND YOUR REGULAR CLOTHES!? "WHERE THE FUCK-" ! That feeling of uneasiness... "...Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~", a certain albino stalker girl replies in the hallway. "CRAZY PSYCHO BITCH, DID YOU SEE WHO TOOK MY CLOTHES!?" Rika walks out into the open, wearing your school uniform. "...", she embarrassingly looks down. "...HnnnnnnnnNNNNNNGGGG-"

753

"ATTENTION ATTENTION, WAHAHA! CROSS-DRESSING CONTESTANTS PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE CAFETERIA!", Misha Misha's over the school's intercom system... which you weren't aware even existed. You walk into the Cafeteria, taking head to look around the room at the gender swapped classmates. You spot Lilly leaning up against a wall, using her cane to lean against. ...Lilly's wearing a male school uniform, it's constricting her bosom and butt rather hard. "HI LILLY!", you greet the blind girl. She completely ignores you. "OH, YOU STILL MAD?" "You signed me up to a ridiculous contest without my consent, how would I NOT be upset?", Lilly rebuttals. "Cause you look great in pants" "Wish I could see how silly you probably look" "...How did you manage to squeeze into those clothes, anyway?" "It helped to keep my... (underwear) out of the equation" "Your what now?" "My... (Underwear)", Lilly whispers to you. "Come again?" "UNDERWEAR!", Lilly shouts, echoing throughout the cafeteria, making her blush out of embarressment. "...You're not.. uh... wearing anything underneath those clothes?" "...I am not" "(Giggidy)" "Excuse me?" "Nothing, I'm gonna go find Hanako and point and laugh at her, excuse me-"

754

You push aside Miki and Suzu, not because they were in the way, but because you were trying to cop a feel. "Oh Hanako~", you sing out. ... But Hanako's nowhere in sight... "Where the fuck is she hiding..." ! You feel a pair of teeth suddenly sink into your left arm. "HEWO HISAO" You turn to the side to see Hachisama, the Sharktopus...sy. She, unfortunately, isn't wearing male school clothes. "Hey Hachi, you seen Hanako anywhere?", you ask as your chest hair spontaneousally grows. "The girl with the burn scars? I thought I saw her out back", she explains, while suctioning her suction cups.... And not her tentacles if you catch my drift. I think you do. ... I'm talking about her fondling her breasts with her tentacle suction. "The contest is about to start any minute and she's weaseling her way out of it because she's simply too yellow to show her face!" ... "THIS CALLS FOR AN AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL!", you shout as you push aside Miki and Suzu again.

755

Crossdressing Contest
You walk outside to see Hanako hiding behind a trashcan. "HEY DUMPSTER GIRL, COME OUT HERE SO I CAN GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU!" "G-Go away, Hisao!", she barks back, not moving from behind her trashcan. "Oh come on, I'm wearing a SKIRT, what the hell do you have to be scared about?", you remark, moving closer to Hanako. "I-I said GO AWAY!", Hanako throws the trash lid at you. You take the lid straight to the face, knowing you could of dodged it, and fall to the ground... Faking a knock-out. "H-Hisao!", Hanako worryingly yelps out as she rushes to your aid. You creep open one eye, getting a peek at what Hanako looks like in a male uniform. ....! She has her hair pulled back, and it looks like she has her breasts strapped in tight. You can't tell if she's a she or a he from first glance, it's marvelous! Hanako kneels down to check your pulse... ....You shove your hand underneath Hanako's shirt. "EH!?" "AH, BANDAGES! SO THAT'S HOW YOU DID IT!", you feel up Hanako. She kicks you in the face and storms off back into the building. "Worth it" "Was it?" "TOTALLY-", wait, you recognize that voice! You shift your body on it's side. YOU RECOGNIZE THAT RED HAIR!

756

... YOU RECOGNIZE THAT APATHETIC FACE! ... YOU RECOGNIZE THAT BULGEWait. Wait no, that's just a clothing crinkle... you think. "Yo?", she speaks out. "RIN!", you shout as you jump up and hug her. "Jeeze Hisao, you're moving around like an old episode of Looney Tunes where Bugs Bunny always dressed like a girl to sexually confuse Elmer Fudd", Rin builds a birdhouse in her soul. "That describes everything perfectly" You look downwards... "...You're not... Wearing a male uniform?" "Nope", Rin apathetically states as the wind blows... and with it.. her newly worn skirt. "You know, Rin, respectfully... I don't think you really... have the legs for a skirt" "Neither do you" "Touche" "WAHAHA, WAHAHA! THE CROSSDRESSING CONTEST IS NOW STARTING! ALL CONTESTANTS PLEASE COME TO THE MIDDLE OF THE CAFETERIA!", Misha yells out so loud your eardrums rape your ears. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD, CHARLES!", you yell as you clutch your head. "...", Rin sits on the ground and covers her ears with her feet. "YOU HEARD THE LADY, RIN" "WHAT?", Rin yells back to you.

757

"WHAT!", you yell back to Rin. You make your way back inside, everyone's ears are having their period. "...!", Shizune signs stylishly to Misha. "ATTENTION EVERYBODY! WE'RE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE WE HAVE A SPECIAL JUDGE THAT WILL VOTE ON WHO LOOKS THE MOST CROSSDRESSIEST! WAHAHA~" "A special judge? I bet it's one of the pedophile teachers like that fa-" "HISAO NECKTIE!", Misha turns her attention to you... As well as the rest of the cafeteria. "Oh, cool" "HISAO! YOU'RE CHARGED WITH PICKING THE WINNER!" "Can I choose myself? Because I am a sexy beast" "...!", Shizune signs enthusiastically. "NOPE!" "Then why the fuck did I come here in the first place?" "TO JUDGE!" "I don't want to Judge" "TOO BAD! WAHAHA!" You massage the area between your eyes. To quote a famous black baseball player, 'If that be as it is, and it do, you be'. You jump on top of a lunch table and action pose. A strike of lightning hits the background as you contemplate who looks best as the opposite sex... "I CHOOSE-" "THE RAP SENSATION, T-PAIN!" ...

758

The entire cafeteria falls deafly silent. "CAN'T YOU BELIEVE IIIIIIIIT!", T-pain suddenly sings out as he rides in on chariot driving by mermaids singing a shining glory opera with confetti shooting everywhere. The crowd goes wild. T-pain walks up on stage with you... ...Even though there wasn't a stage there to begin with... "HEY YO, I'MA PROUD TO ACCEPT MY REWARD AND IT'S A TREMENDOUS HONOR TO WIN UH...", T-pain arches over to you, "What it is I'm winning her, His-saw?" "First place in a crossdressing contest" ... T-pain looks at you crooked and shakes his head. "Aight" "IT'S OUR HONOR TO BESTOW YOU WITH THIS, A TWENTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO BEST-BUY!" "OH SWEET NIGGA, I CAN FINALLY AFFORD THAT NEW WIZARDS N SHIT GAME!" "Which game?" "AH YOU KNOW, WITH THEM LASERS AND SHIT GOING BLAM BLAM ALL OVER DA PLACE" "God, I missed you", you exclaim while shaking T-pain's hand. "ALL IGHT BITCHES, I'M OUTTEY", T-pain yells out as he backflips onto his chariot and flies off to fuck his mermaid harem. You snap to. "Did that really just happen...?" "HISAO! ANNOUNCE THE WINNER!", Misha yells back out. "FINE, JESUS.... What would T-Pain do...?"

759

T-pain reemerges back into your mind as a vision of white light. "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, NIGGA", T-pain states before disappearing again. ... That didn't really help at all. "HIICHAN!" "Right, I choose-" "SHIZUNE-" "...~", Shizune's eyes fill with girlish glee. "-IS BLOCKING THE WAY, THE WINNER IS HANAKO!", you shout out as you shine a flashlight on the girl hiding in the back. "E-EH?" "COME UP AND TAKE A BOW!" Shizune puffs up and pouts. Everyone averts their gaze to Hanako... ...Which makes her well up with tears. "I-I GOTTA BE-" "SOMEWHERE NOW?", you shout out as you suddenly appear before Hanako. "H-How did you?" "I stopped time" "HOW!?" "By groping your tits earlier, I must have been granted some special power... a power that I will call.. a 'Stand'! You have magical breasts, Hanako" "R-REALLY!?" "Pfffft, naw. I just blinded you with the flashlight and ran really fast... but not before

760

pushing Miki and Suzu out of the way" Hanako looks at the crowd of wandering eyes, staring into her very being. "Wow... She DOES look like a dude" "She totally does" "Is it wrong that I want to do her even more when she looks like that?" "It'd be wrong if you didn't" "Fags" She begins to panic and melt down. You had her the complementary gift card to calm her down some. "I-I-I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE THEN!" Hanako disappears in a flash, making you doubt she even existed... ...What if Hanako's merely the shy side of your soul crying out from beneath it's fleshy prison? What if her entire existence is a made up fallacy within your headYou step in something moist. ... Nope, that's definitely Hanako's urine.

761

Narcolepsy, Strip Poker, & Belly Dancing

"HAHAHAHA!", you laugh out with teenage glee. YOU FEEL GREAT TODAY! BETTER THAN GREAT! THE FEELING OF EUPHORIA CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED WITH THE SUDDEN ERUPTION AND FORMATION OF A QUANTUM SINGULARITY FROM THE SHEER FORCE OF EJACULATION SHOT OUT FROM YOUR UNRELENTING HAPPINESS! YOU MUST SPREAD YOUR HAPPINESS TO THOSE WITHOUT NONE! You begin walking on the ceiling, as gravity itself reverses it's polarity to your overcoming positivity. "YOU, GIRL WITH ONE HAND!" "It's Miki, surely you can remember a four letter name-" "I'MA HUG YOU~" "G-Get away from me!", Miki jumps out of her seat and runs outside. "YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE MY LOVE", you yell behind her as she escapes your love. "YOU, GIRL WITH TWO DIFFERENT COLORED EYES!" "Natsume" "NATSUME, I WILL NOW RECITE THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE TO YOU. TOKI WA! KUMO O TSUKU YOO NA NAMI O TATE OSOU YO-" "Please stop" "YOU, GIRL WITH BURN SCAR HIDING IN THE CORNER OF THE CLASSROOM. I WILL OFFER YOU MY SEMEN! THEN, TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW, MY SPAWN WILL OFFER THE SAME!" Hanako shuffles in her seat and embarrassingly stuff her face into her arms. You point to the blue haired girl who appears to be sleeping. "AND YOU, GLASSLESS SHIZUNE, I WILL OFFER YOU THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING! A TOOTHBRUS-"

762

"...", Suzu doesn't wake up to your absurd nonsense. You hop down off the ceiling and take a good look at her. ... She's really conked out. "NYO-HO-HO, IGNORE ME WILL YOU~" You ejaculate a permanent marker and begin working on your masterpiece. "...Ngh...", Suzu wakes up still in a temporary daze. She peers over at the time and slowly gets up, as she walks by, a group of girls start giggling. "Huh...?", she begins to wonder if they're laughing at her. ... It doesn't concern her, she ignores it and walks into the hallway. "NYO-HO-HO", you smirk as you follow her while hiding behind a bush disguise. Suzu peers backwards at you, hiding in a bush... In the middle of the hallway. "...", she stares at you apathetically perplexed. "I AM A BUSH", you explain while waving your real arms around outside it. "...Whatever, man", Suzu turns and continues her way down the hallway. ...You follow her, giddily waiting for more reaction faces. Suzu walks by a room full of disable children, who point and laugh at her. She looks at them halfcocked and looks behind her at nothing. "Huh?", she inquiringly asks. "PENIS FACE! PENIS FACE!", the crippled brats yell out. "...", Suzu shakes her head.

763

"THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PENIS DRAWN ON YOUR FACE!", you shout out from the bush. "..Oh", she responds before she heads back down the hallway. ... DOES NOTHING FAZE HER!? ...The next day. "Zzzzz....", Suzu falls asleep in her chair again. "I'LL GET YOU TO LAUGH IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!", you yell uncomfortably close into Suzu's sleeping face. "...", Suzu creaks her eyes up and stares at you, "You again?" "SO THERE I WAS, TREKKING ALONG A WILDERNESS TRAIL WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A BUNCH OF SNAKES SHOW THEIR UGLY FACES AND BLOCK MY PATH, I WAS GONNA TURN AROUND AND GO BACK THE WAY I CAME BUT I SEE A BEAR WALKING ABOUT IN THAT GENERAL DIRECTION, SO WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK I CREEPED BY?" "..." "THE SNAKES! KNOW WHY? I WAITED FOR THEM TO FALL ASSSSSSSSSSSLEEP!" "", Suzu doesn't even spare the periods used to convey silence. "DAMN IT, WHY WON'T YOU ATLEAST SMILE?", you yell as you rip into your skull out of frustration. ! You slip on the very marker you used the previous day and fall head first into the table. "GHRAKFUCKASHILT", you spout as you lift your head up with two pens lodged in your nostrils. ... Suzu cracks a smile.

764

You bust through Hanako's door a throw a box down on the floor in front of her. "HANAKO! I GOT YOU A PERSIAN BELLY DANCING OUTFIT!" "Y-You what?", Hanako replies, still scared from the sudden intrusion. "BELLY DANCING!" "B-Belly Dancing?" "BELLY DANCE-AN!", you boast as you steal the box's soul and watch it deteriorate into nothingness. You show Hanako a photo of a Belly Dancer's attire and shove the clothing into her hands. "What b-brought this on!?" "YOU'RE SCARED TO DANCE BECAUSE OF YOUR SCARRED FACE, RIGHT? WELL, BELLY DANCERS CAN COVER THEIR FACES IN A THIN SHEET OF CLOTHE-" "I-I don't even want to dance... Wait.. H-How did you know my clothing sizes?", Hanako asks as she looks at the tags. "LILLY TOLD ME!" "But she doesn't... know my sizes" "I GOOGLE'D IT?" "...What-" "BELLY DANCING!", you roar as you through you hands into the air. ...Hanako stares at you with confusion. "Just put the damn outfit on and I'll leave you alone" You sit on Hanako's bed and wait for her to finish changing in the closet. ...? You dig around under Hanako's mattress and uncover a couple pornographic doujins. "NYOHOHO!", you giggle as you read through them.

765

"A-Alright... I'm done", Hanako blurts out from behind the closet. "HANAKO, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!", you speak as you flip through a yuri magazine. "D-Don't look!", she yells out. "YEAH SURE, I'LL AVERT ME EYES", you cover your eyes poorly. ...Hanako reluctantly walks outside the closet, wearing a Belly Dancer's uniform, her exposed midriff shows her scarring going down one side. "VAVOO~", you exclaim as you growl. "I-I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK!", she yells out as she runs back into the closet. "GOOD, YOU FILL OUT THOSE CLOTHES LIKE A BOSS! NOW ONTO BELLY DANCING LESSON!", you roar. "I-I'M NOT COMING OUTSIDE OF THIS CLOSET!" "Well then, I guess I'll just write 'Property of Hanako...whatever your last name is' on these hentai mags and leave them lying around the school grounds" ... Hanako shoves the closet door open with a rather pissed off look in her eyes. "H-How.. Do I Belly Dance?", Hanako asks as she crosses her arms. "Move your body around, like this!", you explain while putting one hand around the back of your head and circulate your body around. "All...R-Right", Hanako poorly mimics your body movement. "DAMN IT HANAKO, THIS IS DANCING, NOT PIG HUMPING, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!" "O-OK!", Hanako puts move emotion into her body movement. "MOVE YOUR LOWER BODY AROUND LIKE A SNAKE! SHAKE IT AND SHAKE IT HARD!" "HAH!", Hanako swings her lower body from side to side. "NOW CHECK OUT THIS SHIZZLE!", you make her observe with her eyes. You swing your back down and shake your hands around one another.

766

Hanako mimics you, despite you not even knowing what you're doing. "BELLY DANCING!", you scream. "B-B-BELLY DANCING!", Hanako roars out as she swings her hips forward and tries too hard. ... "HNNNNNGGGGG", you clutch your chest as you nearly die from the moe. "H-HNNNGG!", Hanako mimics you. "S-STOP DOIN- HNNNNNNNGGGGG!", you have ten heart attacks at once. You wake up in the Nurse's room. "NURSE! NURSE! WHAT HAPPENED MAN!?", you yell into the room, not knowing if he's there or not. "Looks like you had a heart attack from visual stimulation... what in God's name where you looking at?" "LOVE, I WAS LOOKING AT LOVE" "I... noticed you didn't have your heart medication in your pants pocket" "YEAH" "You didn't... throw your medication at Seagulls again, did you?" "..." "Hisao?" "FUCK YOU, THEY STARTED IT!" You return to Hanako's room, and see Hanako still in her Belly Dancing outfit. "BELLY DANCING!", you yell out. Hanako turns to her side and swings her belly around. "B-B-BELLY DANCING!"

767

...You have another heart attack. The unfailing determination your aura of manliness exerts is one of legends... ...You diligently pull out another winning hand! "HAHA! GOLD FISH!", you boast as you lay down your cards. "...!", Shizune signs to Misha with cards in her hand. "Hiichan, for the last time, we're playing POKER, WAHAHA!" "Oh. Fuck. Uh... What's my hand?" "You got three of a kind!" "That's good, right?" "It's OK, COWBOY!", Misha engrishes. "...!", Shizune period period period exclamation points! Shizune lays down a Full House, and Misha lays down a Straight Flush. "Did I win or lose?" "YOU LOST!" "Well damn-fuck-tit-penis", you exclaim as you remove your shirt. "...!" "Give it up and just take everything off, Hisao! There's no way you'll ever beat us!" "...Oh?", you bat an eyebrow. For the past half hour, you've been playing poker with Shizune and Misha, Shizune upped the stakes from simple cash to stripping off articles of clothes... Her playful attitude just got the better of her and Misha... ...Because you just learned their tells.

768

"Let s up the stakes a bit, in this next hand, no matter what it may or may not be, the lose must take off their bottoms... AND underwear", you point dramatically to Shizune. "...!", Shizune lip reads then signs to Misha. "YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL, HIICHAN! WHEN YOU LOSE, YOU TAKE OFF BOTH YOUR PANTS -AND- UNDERWEAR! WAHAHA~", Misha barks back with enthusiasm as her drills spin. ..Good thing there's curtains on the Student Council Room's windows right now, you bet that helps Shizune Misha draws her power from the sun...! "DEALING OUT YOUR HAND, HISAO~", Misha replies as she tosses cards every which way. ... You peer at your hand... You've got a Four of a Kind. That will beat a Full House and downwards. A decent hand. You peer towards Misha, who's fiddling with her drills. That means she has a poor hand, but willing go all out. Shizune's adjusting her glasses. That means she must have a good hand, but can it beat a Four of a Kind? "ARE WE ALL IN?", you boast. "WAHAHA~ ME AND SHIICHAN SURE ARE!" ! The three of you lay down your cards all at once...Shizune unexpectedly loses by a single rank. "...", Shizune stares blankly at the three pairs of cards before she reluctantly gets up. "SKIRT OFF! SKIRT OFF! SKIRT OFF!" "SKIRTO OFFU!", Misha continues her Engrish. Shizune pulls down her skirt with her stocking and sits back down, undignified.

769

"AH AH AH~ UNDERWEAR TOO!", you say slowly so Shizune's sure to understand. Shizune takes off her panties and lays them down on the table while sitting down, so you can't watch her get up and do it. "PFFFFFT WHATEVER, COCK DEMON", you respond to her cop out. "I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE, I CAN SEE YOUR PUBES, SHIICHANCE!", Misha tone-deafly yells while Shizune adjusts her glasses. Within minutes, Shizune and Misha are sitting, bare ass, in their respectably chairs. "TSK TSK TSK, MESS WITH THE BEST, GET STRIPPED LIKE THE REST", you boast out. "!!!", Shizune slams her hand down on the table before she sign languages. "HIICHAN! THIS IS SOME GODDAMNED BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!" "Wanna up the wager?" "...!" "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT! WAHAHA!" "All right, I lose this hand, I'll pay you twenty bucks and bounce. But if I win this hand, you, Shizune, have to suck my penis" "...!?" "WHAT HIICHAN, I'D NEVER AGREE-" "Then I guess you've lost this little battle of wits" "...!" "FINE! ANTE UP!" Misha deals the cards and you get to the fated hour yet again. "...!" "LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN BEAT A STRAIGHT FLUSH!", Misha speak for Shizune. Shizune lays the cards down-

770

-And you lay yours on top of hers, with a troll face. ...It's a Royal Flush, the best hand. "...!" "Y-YOU CHEATED, HIICHAN!" "But how? I took off my shirt and Misha was dealing the entire time~", you respond to her accusations. "...!?" "I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO SUCK YOU OFF, RIGHT? THAT WAS A JOKE, WASN'T IT, HIICHAN!?" You shoot Shizune a smile. She sighs and gets up, naked. "NYOHOHO!" Shizune reluctantly puts her mouth on your penis. The inside of Shizune's mouth is quite warm, moist, and welcoming. "...", Shizune looks up to you, disgusted. You arch your back and shake your head at her. "Use your tongue more, the better you do, the faster this will go~~" Shizune licks the underside of your dick inside her mouth. "GAHAHA, GOOD~" "I'LL DO MY PART!", Misha yells out. You forget she was even there. Misha sinks her lips on your ball-sack. "AH!", you yelp like a girl. "BALLS BALLS BALLS! LOVE THEM BALLS!", Misha explains while licking her mouth. Shizune takes your dick deeper into her mouth, not quite to the gag reflex yet, Misha

771

continues combing your balls with her tongue. Within seconds, copious amounts of saliva envelop your member"!", you tense up as a sudden flow of semen shoots inside Shizune's mouth. She continues sucking until the cum shoot dissipates, what's left she reluctantly swallows. "...!" "Shiichan didn't want to dirty the floor!", Misha translates with balls in her mouth. "I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOUR PLIGHT, YOUNG MISS!" ! Shizune grabs the side of your pants pocket and shakes out some hidden playing cards. "...", Shizune looks up to you, furious out of her mind. "...AH B-BL-BL-BL- THAT'S ALL FOLKS!", you yell as you grab your shirt and pull Misha off of your ballsack. You make like a leaf and get the fuck out of there.

772

Rainbow Deluxe Edition

The rooftop door slams open with the forthcoming omen of death. Akira emerges onto the roof, heated out of her mind. She spots you idly peeing off the ledge. "HISAO NECKTIE! JUST THE MAN I WANTED TO SEE! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY PHONE AROUND HERE, HAVE YOU?", Akira doesn't really ask, but accuses. "Was it a Droid?" Akira nods her head. "Did it have any... embarrassing photos on it?" Akira dramatically raises her index finger. "Just one." "Yeah, I haven't seen it. It's probably in the last place you left it" "YOU TEXTED MY SISTER THAT IMAGE", Akira bursts out. "Haha, yeah. Well, I found it kind of odd that a blind girl had a phone to begin with, but then I realized the little dot things on the phone keys and everything began to make sense" "W-WHO ELSE DID YOU TEXT?!", Akira asks, with a innocent sparkle in her rage filled eyes. "No one, I sent it to Lilly because she couldn't see it, but you could... Or Hanako could've. I didn't plan that all too well, but the point of that was to flip you off with an imaginary middle finger" "Well then, WHERE'S MY PHONE!?", Akira yells, her red eyes are now lava. "Le Phone? I COULD tell you, but I mean, you did pretty much try to blackmail me before. So what comes around, goes around. Deal with it, bitch", you slip on a pair of shades and action pose. "...", Akira regains her composure. You dig into a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and chow down while you zip up your pants. ...Akira walks over to you and digs into the same bag, pulls out the pointiest chip, and balances it on her nose.

773

"Alright, Hisao. I apologize for threatening to blackmail you. I think we're pretty much even now, so could you please give me back my phone?", Akira asks before flicking the chip into her mouth. "Hmm...", you scratch your facial beard. Akira scratches the crumbs off her lips and sucks her finger to preserve the flavor. Watching her mess around with your food reminds you of something. "..No. You still ate my Pringles. I hold grudges against that vile type of act!", you clutch your fist. "...So what are you going to do, then?", Akira poses inquiringly. "Blackmail you, but of course!" "...", Akira's eye begins to tweak in frustration. "CHEER FOR ME!", you boast out out. "Eh?", Akira meeks out a simple two letter word to expose the layer of surprise she currently feels. "YOU KNOW HOW TO CHEER LIKE A CHEERLEADER! I ASK YOU, NO... COMMAND YOU! CHEER FOR ME!" "I.. Alright?", Akira nudges her shoulders in confusion. You sit INJUN style in front of Akira and behold this marvelous happening! "Um...", Akira clumsily begins to move about in her black business suit. "Hisao, Hisao, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can", Akira pathetically and unenthusiastically calls out. "My God, that was terrible. At first, I thought I'd be HYPE. But now... now I'm UNHYPE" "Is saying a word without the established tense supposed to be hip and cool? Because it's rather annoying and hard to follow", Akira plainly states. You stand up, raises your arms above your head, and loosen your body. "AKIRA KIRA, SHE'S OUR GIRL! BUT HER CHEERING MAKES ME WAH-NAH HURL!", you sing out as you wave your arms about like a cheerleader.

774

"...", Akira mad. "NYO-HO-HO HO-HO-NYO! WHAT'S A MATTER GIRL, ARE YOU TOO SLOW!?" Akira twirls her fingers about, letting the blood flow within her body, and with a mighty whistle, she unloads an unholy amount of cheerleading energy forth thought to be impossible! "HISAO! HISAO! WHAT A COW! THINKS HE'S COOL WHEN HE'S SO FOUL!", Akira shoots back to you. ... Oh. It is on now, bitch. "Hah hah... I haven't.. done this in awhile", Akira explains why she's out of breath while cracking her back. The copious amounts of sweat running down Akira's face helps reveal her boyish features... "To quote Aerosmith, AH~ AH~ DUDE LOOK LIKE A LADY", you sing out mischievously. "But I AM a LADY", Akira barks back. "Post-op or Pre-op?" Akira throws the bag of Doritos into your face, desecrating and raping the contents of the bag. "Oh, that's just LOW" "Nowhere NEAR as low as YOU. Who sneaks into school girl's rooms and replaces her birth control pills with Tic Tacs?", Akira asks while still motioning about as a Cheerleader. "Well, who hides in the bushes at night and takes pictures of said occurrence instead of calling the cops?", you riposte while back-flipping. The two of you pierce each others souls with a fierce gaze, if this were a random occurrence on the street, you'd no doubt be beating each other senseless right now. ... "...Hehe", Akira covers part of her mouth while she chuckles.

775

"Pffffttt, Hahaha!", you piss yourself with laughter despite just going a minute ago. You have GOT to stop drinking so much Powerade. But you keep on doing so in hopes of maybe urinating blue liquid.... You know, like the commercials! The two of you sit down behind the rooftop air conditioner and place an arm around each other's shoulder. "THIS guy!", Akira points to you. "This DUDE!", you point to Akira. "I haven't done that since High-School", Akira tells you, in a very exhausted tone. "I'm beginning to like you, you crazy reverse trap fuck duckler!" "Hell, I like you too. You're welcome to have sex my sister anytime you want!", Akira pats you on the back with a smile. ! THE DEVIL S-LINK RANK UP! And so, Hisao and Akira became bros. Yamfucku High, the tournament battle grounds for Mortal Kombat.... It's daunting handiaccessible ramps and doorway fills you with sudden dread. A black giant halo of darkness floats about the sky above the school, signalling the mightiest disabled warriors to compete and win. The crippling realization of the do-or-die situation rears it's ugly head and fills you with dread. ... "WHOOP-E-DOOP-E-DOOP-E-DOO!", you shriek as you flying bicycle kick through the front doors. You barrel roll into the cafeteria where the other fights have gathered. ...You spot Kenji Cage, the disabled misogynist movie star who was universally panned for the romantic comedy "Vagina Whina". You hear he does his own stunts, but you mean, who cares? The girl he's flipping off is Emi Blade, some police girl who lost her legs in the line of duty.

776

That hasn't stopped her from getting the highest arrest record in town. "Ara Ara, pleased to meet you", you hear a kind voice behind you. A blonde haired girl wearing a coolie hat approaches you with lightning sparkling in the background... ...But she's looking in the wrong direction. "DOOPA-WHOOPA-DOOPEY DOO", you respond in a loud shriek. The old looking blue haired lady sitting in the chair highest in the room is the Tournaments orchestrater, Shang Shizune. The pink haired four armed girl standing next to her is Mishaoro, the previous champion. The burned scarred yellow wearing Ninja to your left is Scorpion, she's said to have returned from hell, with the soul purpose of vengeance. Also crab cakes. There's Sub-Zero, the armless cyromancer who's just chilling in the corner. Also there's Kano, the robot ear wielding underground kill drug trafficking king. But nobody really cares about him, he's low tier. "...!" "MORTAL KOMBAT!", Misharo translates Shizune's sign language with four arms raised. "...", the room stares at the two for a couple seconds. "...?" "What is it, WAHOHO", the deep voiced monster asks. "Just like... that?", Kenji asks with a eyebrow cocked. "...!" "JUST LIKE THAT!" ... "...Aight", Sub-Zero lethargically responds. Sub-Zero immediately rips Kano's spinal cord out with her twinkle toes.

777

"BLARK", Kano yelps out before dying. "AH!", Kenji screams like a girl and runs around in circles. "Who shall you face first, Cripple Earth Warrior?", the blind God of Lightning asks you, despite looking in the wrong direction. "REPTILE!", you scream out despite not even knowing who that is. ! T-THIS UNEASY FEELING! You turn around to see... the air moving? ! Reptile uncamouflages herself, revealing a piercing red eyed, white haired, green Ninja. "...Hi...", she looks at you as if she's looking at a lost puppy. "...WHOOPA DOOPA!", you flying kick her in the face. Rikatile responds by clawing your chest as you fly by. "OW-OOH!", you yell out in pain. "...I need to get a jar to put the blood on my claws in.... So I can have something to snuggle against tonight", she playfully hisses out... weirdly. You touch the open cuts on your chest with the tip of you fingers, clean off your fingers with your tongue, and pose. "STALKER BITCH-OO WOOP-AH STOOP-AH!", you shriek as you throw a fire ball into her face. "AH!", she yells in pain as the mask falls off and reveals a scaly exterior. You run up to her and plunge your hand into her heart surgery wound. You pull out her still beating heart and through it up into the air. "...!" "HISAO KANG WINS. FATALITY! WAHA-HOOO", you gain 100,000 extra points.

778

"That's the second time you stole my heart-", Rikatile strikes the 'you're pretty good' finger pose as she falls down and bleeds to death. "G-G-GET OVER!", Scorpion yells out as she throws a harpoon at Sub-Zero in the school hallway. ...Subs just sidesteps the harpoon and throws a fuckload of ice with her toenails. "AH!", Scorpion shrieks, "I...I...IGOTTABESOMEWHERE!", Scorpion teleports out of the ice's range. "Wonder what that was all about, she really needs to chill out", Sub-Zero blurts out apathetically. Scorpion appears before Sub-Zero in a fluster. "Y-YOU KILLED MY ENTIRE CLAN, AND ME!" "Yeah, well, stuff happens, dude" "AHHHH!", Scorpion shrieks as she kicks Sub-Zero into the end of the hallway, next to the painting next to the stairs. "Geez, talk about a cheap shot. I was going easy on you before because you were a bit of a bitch, but now I'm just going to freeze you solid. Afterwards possibly paint you into a masterpiece and sell you to Alaskans. They buy anything nowadays, they live in Alaska-", Subs stops cold. A tongue begins caressing Sub-Zero's neck. "...", Subs turns around to see the painting at the end of the hallway. ...IT'S ALIVE! "HAJYHAGALAAAAAYYYYYY!", Sub-Zero screams before the painting devourers the upper portion of her body. "SCORPION WINS, WAHAHA!" "ALRIGHT, YOU FOUR ARMED BITCH, YOU AND ME, RIGHT NOW, COME ON! COME ON!", Kenji yells out at Mishaoro. ..She looks at him with a 'Ninja, is you sub-zerious' face.

779

Mishaoro takes off Kenji's sunglasses and holds them in front of his face. "HEY KENJI, DO YOU WANT THESE SHADES BACK?" "YEAH, I'LL TAKE IT-" Misha crushes the sunglasses between her fingers. ... Kenji Cage looks Mishaoro in the face and shrugs. "WAH-HO-HO!-", her usual boasts of troll laughter are interrupted. Kenji splits his legs down and punches Mishaoro in the baby maker. "...", Mishaoro looks down at him with agitated eyes. "That was not a smart thing to do", Cage reminisces about the good ol times when he wasn't breathing through a tube. Misha picks him up with two arms and beats him senseless with her two extra ones. "DON'T WORRY KENJI, I'LL RESCUE YOU! POLICE STYLE!", Emi yells out as she jump kicks Misha's face. ...Only to get her fake leg caught in one of Mishaoro's drills. "Oopsey-daisy", she remarks before the incoming rape. "WHOOPA-DOOPITY-DOOP!", you yell out as you challenge Shizune to Final Kombat on top of the roof. "...!", she signs in repsonse. ... "KOOPA LOOPA DOO?", you respond as you scratch your head. "...", Shang Shizune signs again. ... "Alright, I can't understand you're trying to say", you remark plainly as you explain that you can't read sign language.

780

"Neither can I understand you, asshole!", Shizune writes onto a piece of paper, folds it into a paper plane, and tosses it to you. "WHOOPITY WHOOPITY WHOO?", you ask. "...", Shizune sighs as she takes out another piece of paper to respond to your nonsense. "MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAT!", you yell as you flying jump kick Shizune's head off while she's distracted. Shang Shizune's body dramatically falls backwards off the roof and lands on top of a single spike that was placed in the middle of the ground floor at random. ! Hundreds of freed disabled souls fly out of Shizune's headless body, signalling the end of Shang Shizune and the tournaments victory. Earth Realm will be safe for another 1000 years, or less, or more. You weren't paying attention to the pamphlet. Mako Iwamatsu, David Carradine, and Charles Barkley appear before you as freed spirits to thank you before they leave. As the fountain of souls disappear, you dramatically walk out of the school as it explodes behind you, the Champion of Kripple Kombat. "What will you do now, Mortal?", Lilly Raiden suddenly appears before you, only now played by Christopher Lambert. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", you explain in detail, but are dubbed over comically. You stroll into the sunset, Techno Syndrome begins blaring as the credits roll.

781

Ninjas & Red Bull

"...Ah...", Hanako lets out a small amount of relief as she enjoys the tea from within the quiet confines of the tea room. -Today seems like a good day-, the burn scarred girl thinks to herself. Hanako calmly looks into her reflection inside the tea.... "Mirror mirror, in the tea. What oh what, shall I see?", Hanako asks the dark brown reflection. ... ? Suddenly, Devil Horns emerge from a top of Hanako's head. "W-Why do I have Devil Horns?", Hanako thinks out loud. The devil horns inside the tea reflection suddenly turn into bunny ears. "E-EH!?", Hanako gasps as her life-long dream of being a bunny is finally realized. You descend from behind her and stare directly into Hanako's face... While also upsidedown. "HOWDY, HANAKO!~", you greet that crispy critter with a friendly greeting. "AH!", Hanako falls out of her seat backwards, landing face first into the flooring. "Nyo-ho-ho!", you laugh at Hanako's expense. Hanako wearily gets up from the floor, fluzzled, flizzled, and fazzled. "G-Good morning... Hisao", Hanako idly greets you as she returns to her seat. You backflip into the seat next to her and sit Indian style, the best style. "Mornin' Sunshine, lets fuck!", you give Hanako a thumbs up. She peers at you with a raised eyebrow. "Morning humor! You know, because waking up in the morning's are for squares", you circulate.

782

Hanako goes back to delicately sipping her tea cup... ...LOUDLY sipping. "...Gee Hanako, tea again? Is your entire life pre-set?", you comment on her lack of beauty. "H-Huh? What's w-wrong with tea?", Hanako honestly asks you in a honest tone honestly. "Well for one, it's not THIS!" You shoot rainbow lazer beams from your pupils and materialize a can of Red Bull in the palm of your hand. "W-What's that?", Hanako asks while politely sipping her tea. "RED BULL!" "Red.. Bull?" "REDO BULLU!" Hanako shifts in her chair and puts her tea cup down. "Is that like... s-soda?" "Sorta... It's an ENERGY DRINK, THE BEST ONE AS WELL- Well, Powerade is delicious" "O-oh", Hanako pretends to understand your dribble. "...?", you raise a gigantic question sign above your head. "...", Hanako awkwardly shifts in her seat again, the silence emitting from you makes her uncomfortable. "You've never... tasted one before?", you honestly ask Hanako, who continues to fluster. "I've never... h-had any energy drinks before", Hanako quietly answers. ... "WHY THAT'LL NEVER DO, HANAKO! NEVER DO AT ALL!", you cheerfully roar out as you shake your finger. You dramatically slam the Red Bull can in front of Hanako, wasting 70% of the show's animation budget, and nudge it towards her.

783

"I-I'm not so sure about this, Hisao" "Hanako. Your doubtful driven philosophy will always ultimately fail to answer the ontological question that plagues mankind. Only by examining all of life's experiences and contents can one achieve true happiness!" "W-What?" "RED BULL!", you crack open the container and hand it to her. ... Hanako shifts her visible eye back and forth between the can and your sparkling teeth. ...Reluctantly, Hanako takes a sip of the Red Bull. And then another. And another. .... Pretty soon she finishes the entire can with one unladylike chug. "H-Hisao... I feel kinda funny...", Hanako's head begins to twirl around. "G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GG-G-G-G-GGGGG-GGG-G-G-G-G", Hanako's teeth begin to chatter at super speed. "Hanako? Are you... with me there, partnah?", you back away from Hanako's light-weight sugar high. "R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RED BUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLL!", Hanako screams to the top of her lungs, and breasts, how that works I'm not entirely sure but I felt like it was necessary to mention Hanako's breasts. Hanako begins hopping up and down in a flashUntil she latches on to you... Now the both of you are hopping up and down in a flash! "HA-HA-HA-HAN-AN-AN-O-O-O-K-K-KO-KO-KO!", you try to tell her to stop.

784

"HOPHOPHOPHOPHOPHOPHOPHOP! HAHAHA!", Hanako unusually cheerfully chants. ! "This is starting to make me a little bit sick to my stomach, Hanak-", you politefully speak out. She suddenly stops and latches onto your right hand with her left. "Y-You want to hold hands!?", Hanako excitingly asks while trembling. "Uh..." You reluctantly look at Hanako then peek at the Red Bull can. "Sure, why not", you accept on the off hand that she's calming down. Hanako's incoming warm smile takes up half of her face. "YAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY, YAYIFICATIONS!!", Hanako hyper-actively cheers out. Hanako begins running around the room, while keeping a firm grasp on your hand. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", you yell while Hanako begins running on the walls at hyper speed. She suddenly stops running mid-way on the ceiling and drops down head first onto the tea table... And you with her. Only you land on the cold hard ground instead, but that's life, dude. You slowly get back up and are greeted by Hanako's hyper-active upside-down gaze. "M-M-MORE! MOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMORE!", Hanako yells into your face with steam shooting out of her ears and dizzy lines drawn instead of pupils. "But... That was the last Red Bull I had!" "UGH! M-MY STOMACH!", Hanako cutely clutches her belly. "Yeah, you're probably starting to come down", you add while cleaning the foot marks off the walls. "Oooooh... My head feels light-", Hanako undaintily lands back into her original chair.

785

You pour Hanako a cup of warm water and nudge it to her. "You skipped breakfast this morning, huh?", you Sherlock Holmes her ass. "W-What's that got to do with anything?", Hanako calmly asks while pinching the area between her eyebrows and sipping the warm water. "It's a matter 'Science' really, cause and effect. You drink something that gets the blood pumping in your body without properly feeding it is like putting grenade rounds into a 9mm handgun", you steal an explanation from Emi, but Hanako doesn't know that, making you seem smart and more Alpha. "Ugh...", Hanako groans in dismay. "Why'd you skip breakfast?", you ask Hanako while handing her a bowl of popcorn you had hidden in your unlimited storage space. "...", Hanako doesn't reply while she takes out a hand full of popcorn and chows down. "That's OK, I can make up a story in my head that involves Tentacle Monsters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and sodomy", you explain while sitting back down in your own chair. Hanako shifts back and forth in her seat. "...causeiwasgettinfat...", Hanako whispers with a mouth fill of pop corn. "SAY, I SAID, A SAY THAT AGAIN? Cute kid, but she's about as loud as a flea's flatulence", you put on your best Foghorn Leghorn impression. Hanako swallows her food and wipes her lips before adding"...I didn't eat because I thought I was getting fat...", Hanako disappointedly explains. "...PFFFFTTT HAHAHAHA" "I-I'M SERIOUS!", Hanako desperately yells back. "I KNOW, AND THAT MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER!" You treat Hanako to some chocolate and skip merrily down the yellow brick hallway and into the sunset... Which is also somehow inside the hallway. You all lived happily ever after, except for Rin, who died of penis cancer two months later.

786

Visual Novels & Cornrows

You teleport into the Art Room using Scotty's transporter. "Hey Rin!-" ...But she's not here. You shoot your spider web out the window and swing outside to Rin's room window. "RIN?", you peer inside. ...No avail. You jump safely onto the ground floor, making a POMF as you land, and walk around the school while scratching your head. "Where oh where could Rin be?", you ask yourself while flipping off the disabled track team nearby. ! You come across a room you haven't seen before. -Computer Room Entrance"We have a computer room?" You crack open the door and Jii~ inside. "Ah~ Oniichan! You idiot!", you hear a comically overused voice blaring out in poor quality. Somebody must be playing a game! ! You see Rin sitting next to a computer, using her toes to type and the front of her foot to cruise the mouse around. ...She hasn't noticed you yet. You sneak behind Rin, the monitor's light seems to be blaring in her face, and move your head in as close to her ear as inhumanly possible. "TICKLE MY ASS PUSSY, ONIICHAAAAAANNN", you playfully scream into Rin's ear using Tim Curry's voice.

787

"...", Rin doesn't respond to your nonsense, merely ignoring you as continues playing her game. "So whatcha playing Rin?", you politely ask. "...", Rin rolls the mouse wheel with her toe. "I SAID WHATCHA YOU PLAYIN', YOU PUNK ASS MOTHER OF A MONKEY BITCH?", you unpolitely ask. "...", Rin responds with her apatheticness, apathetically countering your unapatheticitude. You look over towards the game's box, which is laying contently atop the computer. ... "Artificial Horny Bunnies Beach 6: Night of the Living Tentacle?", you ask with your eyebrows muffled. "It's rare", Rin silently mouths two words. "Ah... Huh. I'm assuming it's good?", you peek over Rin's shoulder. There appears to be a unusually handsome man coughing up blood on screen at the moment. "Who's that?" "That's RyoRyuRyuzuRikimaru, he's my husbando", Rin casually replies. "Your... What?" "Nothing", Rin quickly comments. "Wait a minute...", you take a closer look at the character and then at your reflection in the computer monitor next to Rin's, "...That guy looks just like... ME!" "Oniichan! What are we gonna do on this bed?", the game busts out. "...And you're making him rape a loli" "Making YOU rape a loli, as in your apparent resemblance with the main character", Rin cooly explains.

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"WELL, DON'T DO IT!" "Stop raping the loli, Hisao", Rin clicks the 'rape the loli' option. "NO!" "Stop raping the loli, Hisao" "I'M NOT!" "Sure looks like you are. Boy, you sure do enjoy anal sex. Look at you go" "Oh, you are just the worst" "How far are you?", you ask Rin, who fell into a bad end after raping the loli. "Near the end, though I guess games never do really have an end. You just keep playing and playing until you get bored-" "OOOOH~ Who's THAT!?", you point to the screen. A purple haired succubus with a beauty mark and hime cut that covers the eyes appears on screen. "That's Cumastesia, she's one of the main heroines", Rin explains. "Does she have any sex scenes?" "They're called 'eroge'" "Can she fuck you or not?" "Yeah, but you have to go down her route" "Well, which route are you going down right now?" "Her's", Rin points to the screen with her big toe. A short peppy pig tailed blonde girl comes up. "...That... Looks almost exactly like Emi", you look back to Rin. "Yah huh" "And you don't see anything... I don't know, weird about wanting to fuck someone who

789

looks like Emi?" "Not at all, sometimes I like to imagine myself with a penis and Emi's bending over behind some bleachers... Horizontal style", Rin explains with her dazed smile. "....", you try to picture Rin with a penis mentally. "That was a joke, Hisao", Rin adds with a half freaked out face. She points to the girl with the green hair and bandages. "I'm really going for her", Rin explains yet again. "Why her?" "Because she's in bandages" "Huh?" "Girls in bandages and girls who cough up blood are moe. I though you of all people would understand that", Rin crosses her legs in disapproval. The two of you silently watch as the game draws to an end. "Wow. So ALL the girls are actually your sisters and your mother was actually your daughter from the future? That shit's deeper than Evan-jelly-lion", you let out a long exasperated sigh. "You sure did enjoy that yandere brown skinned bunny girl though, didn't you?", Rin cooly replies rather cool-like. "Black Ass Momma, White Ass Daddy, I like mulatto butts. But I can't believe the tentacle alien was really your brother and that you were a tentacle monster the entire time, that's when the game just went full retard" "I know, but it was pretty good otherwise, don't you think?", Rin asks while you spin her in her chair. "I didn't know you were into visual novels, Rin" "I'm into anything you're into... Oniichan", Rin apathetically tries to imitate the loli's voice. "...Don't do this to me, man!", you cover your ears. "Oniichan, dah-day?", Rin replies with a smile.

790

"DON'T YOU DO THIS TO ME MAN", you scream back. "ONIICHAAA~AAAN", Rin's voice really doesn't suit a high pitched tone which makes her imitation rather unbearable. In one fluid motion, you spin Rin around in her chair as fast as you can as punishment, whip out your dick, and spontaneousally ejaculate copious amounts on Rin as she spins around. "CUMNADO" Rin's Cumnado destroyed most of Japan that day, and everyone except Japan lived happily ever after. The End. You buy a slip'n'slide from the grocery store with sexual favors and unpackage it. Nyo-ho-ho, you have the perfect idea to use for this. You set up the Slip'n'Slide in front of the visually impaired classroom and tug a hose inside. You position the slide so it ends at wall just right... ! You hear the classroom beginning to pack up and exit the classroom, it appears to have ended. "NYO... HO-HO!", you exclaim vigorously. They appear to be coming out of the classroom in a clusterThat won't do, that won't do at-tall! "WHOA!", the first student slips as he exits the room. He lands on the slip'n'slide and slides directly into the wall. "DOOP!", the blind man gibberishes. "AH!" "HAH!" "OHHHOOOO", the many blind students yelp out as they slip on the Slip'n'Slide and one by one, slide into the wall. Pretty soon, they're just sliding into each other.

791

"OOP!" "GACK!" "FAPPO!" "BWAHAHAHAHA", you nearly piss yourself in laughter as they pathetically try to get back up and regain their composure only to slip back on the floor. "WHOA-", you hear a random female voice scream out. ! You clean your eyes from the tears of joy welling up and see a female blind student slide off of another students body and propelling herself towards you. "EH-" She lands into you, the only thing visible to you is her incoming skirt. Her legs wrap themselves around your head upon impact and buries your face inside her skirt. "HMMMPH", you try to speak but only end up unintentionally eating into the girl's crotch. "HAH!", the girl yells as she feels your nose tickling her crotch. Good, she notices. Maybe she'll let go now and let you finish watching the rest of the blind students slip and fall"...Hisao?", you hear the girl whisper downwards. ... "Lilly?", you ask in a jitter. She focuses all her weight down, and pins your top half to the ground. "OI OI WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?", you yell out in a muffle. "Just what did you do, Hisao?", Lilly asks politely as she doesn't let her thigh grip go. "I PUT A SLIP'N'SLIDE BY THE CLASSROOM DOOR" "...Ara ara, that was quiet the naughty thing to do", Lilly waves her finger despite neither of you being able to see it. Lilly lets out a slight giggle at your shenanigans-

792

"AH!", Lilly's body convulses. "WHAT'S WRONG?" "Y-Your nose is in a definite no-no spot!", Lilly replies, maintaining her polite tone. "WELL, THEN, LET ME GO!" "...", Lilly listens to the ruckus occuring behind her as dozens of blind students slip and take others down with them. ... Lilly begins grinding against your face. "MMMPPPHH", you garble out. "You've been a naughty boy, Hisao, and naughty boys must be punished!" Lilly's panties smell like they haven't been washed in days. ... Oh well. "NOM", you chomp down on Lilly's crotch. "AH!", Lilly moans out. You begin to tongue bathe the outside of Lilly's undergarments. You can tell she's ticklish by how she's moving. Lilly's body grinds itself across your face as if she was riding a horse. She pushes your head off her unmentionables for a brief moment, letting you catch your breath from the unpleasing yet strangely pleasant aroma. Lilly smiles to herself and pulls her pantyhose downwards with her free hand. ...But just enough so that her skirt still covers her exposed skin and bare ass. Lilly's pussy is surprisingly well kept for a blind girl. ...But her pubic hair are corn rows.

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"Lilly, what the flying fuck puppies?-" Lilly pushes her body back onto your face, this time, it's not shielded by clothing or dirty panties. ...The strong smell coming from her Vagoo is enough to make you wanna pass out but at the same time makes your dick rock hard. "What's going on out here?", the classroom's teacher comes out to see the students in a flurry. ...He sees Lilly sitting on top of you, in the corner of his eye. Your erection in embarrassing clear sight. "Ms. Satou? Are you alright over there?", the teacher asks as he helps a blind student up. "A-Ah... Yeah, I'm just... looking for my contact lenses!", Lilly replies back in her usual ladylike manner while her hips move her pearly white butt underneath her skirt and Lilly's pussy pushes against your lips. "Hah... I-I shouldn't be doing this in front of so many people..", Lilly whispers to you, "But this is making my heart race!" Damn it! Your father told you about what to do if this day ever came, what you can't remember what he said! -Flashback"Daddy, if a blind girl lands crotch-first smack dab into my face after a prank goes horribly right and demands oral satisfaction for my crimes, what do I do?", five year old Hisao asks. "Iunno, look both ways before you cross the street?", your dad goes back to reading the paper. -FlashbackUSELESS ASS CHILDHOOD! The top part of Lilly's pussy... What was that little thing called again..? The clitoris! That's right! You slide your tongue across there~

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"AH!", Lilly shouts as she convulses. "Ms. Satou, are sure you're quiet alright?", the teacher asks again while picking up a blind girl drenched in water. "I-It's nothing! I just remembered I had an appoitment after school, that's quite all!", Lilly's voice begins to shake. Lilly reaches underneath her skirt and she brings her fingers around her pussy. She spreads her vaginal lips and silently beckons you to continue. You slide your tongue into Lilly's oddly tasty womanhood, tasting around for that magical G-spot that exists in myths and lore. "NGGGHHH!", Lilly's teeth clutch. You think you found it! "Ms. Satou, is that boy beneath you all right?", the teacher asks as he suddenly hovers off the two of you. "Y-YEAH! I'M ALRIGHT! WHO PUTS A FRICKEN SLIP'N'SLIDE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN FLOOR? I TELL YA, PEOPLE THESE DAYS", you speak from underneath Lilly's skirt. ...Lilly begins to speed up her grinding. "HAH... HAH... YEAH, OF ALL THE.. N-NERVE!", she pathetically responds. ... The Teacher's eyes close with determination. "Okay, What's going on here?", he asks as he begins to take closer look. SHIT! SHIT! Lilly begins to grind faster as he gets closer, trying to climax as quick as possible from the sudden adrenaline rush. Fortunately, another blind student, by the name of Johann Ballgarblar, slips on the slide and pulls down the teacher's pants as he falls. "AH!", the teacher yelps out as he turns around and faces the random student.

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"AH~!", Lilly moans as she finally reaches that magical moment all girls will one day experience. Her first tampon. Wait no, I mean, her first orgasm. Yeah, that's the first thing I meant. ... Lilly holds still for a ungodly long amount of time, shaking as if she's still cumming. "Lilly? You alright?" "NGH... S-SHUT UP", Lilly shoots back as she keeps her teeth clutched. You pull up Lilly's pantyhose and panties diligently. "Found your contact lenses, Lilly!", you shout out. You slide out from underneath her thighs, and as you do, Lilly crumbles backwards as if she's lost her strength. ... "HEY TEACHER GUY, I THINK LILLY HERE'S SICK, SO I'M GONNA TAKE HER TO THE INFIRMARY, OK?", you shout at the guy who's still picking up stumbling blind people. You pick up Lilly, pussy juices and saliva leaking from underneath her skirt, and sprint towards the tea room without the teacher seeing. Hanako appears to be inside, drinking a cup of tea. "O-Oh, it's you, Hisao", Hanako greets you, "And.. L-Lilly?" You plop Lilly down in her usual chair, Hanako's eyes glued to you the entire time. "W-What... happened?", Hanako finally asks. "Lilly experienced the magical wonder of a Shlick'n'Slide"

796

Bubblegum Crisis & A Prince of Roses

"Hi~ She-Zoo-Neh!", Misha excitingly waves to the deaf girl in the cafeteria lunch line. Shizune waves her back and the two of them fall into line. "...!", Shizune signs to Misha as they wait patiently. DUN DUN... The theme to Jaws begins to play as the visible tip of your hair circulates through the tables in the background, like a shark fin. "I think there may be some sushi left, WAHAHA!", Misha replies to the deaf student council president. "...!" "Don't worry! Don't worry! I'll be sure to check for you! I'll even chew it for you, Wahaha!", Misha casually waves Shizune off as she obviously missed the point. DUN DUN.... You creep closer to Misha, like a Tiger closing in on it's prey, or the police closing in on a black canadian homosexual prostitute drug dealer that also rapes baby seals. ? Misha looks over her shoulder... ...And you're nowhere to be found. "I... I'm probably just imagining things!", Misha upbeats her beat and skips to her lou. DUN NANANA DUN NANANA DUNANA DUANANA! You will yourself back into creation and reappear out of thin air.

797

You creep closer and closer to Misha... The smell emitting from her hair drives your predator instincts wild, like how a shark would go into a blood frenzy, you go into a... Into a... ...Bubblegum crisis... ! You purposely tip over a bunch of cans so the audience knows the pounce is coming but leaves just enough doubt there to think maybe it's a limp dicked attempt at a shocker. "Are-eh?", Misha innocently turns around while managing to skipYou appear before Misha not a couple centimeters away from her face. "Yo... Hiichan!", Misha's welcome shoots into your soul like a thousand rainbows having an acidic orgy trip. "Hi, Misha" "...?" "..." "So.. Uh... You need something!?" You stare intently into Misha's flowing pink hair and back into her innocently empty eyes. "I will devour you" "Eh?", Misha tilts her head to the side with a confused expression. Without warning, you leap at her with you mouth agape. "AAAAAHHHHHH~", you ready yourself to sink your teeth into some delicious bubblegum hair. *NOM!*

798

... You open your eyes... ...Your teeth are sunk into Shizune's teet. "...", She looks down upon you with the incoming biblical wrath. "H-HEY! THAT'S NOTHING TO WAHAHA ABOUT-", Misha yells out as even her simple mind can comprehend Shizune's upcoming unsanitary murder death kill. "WUT WOO WAGGY", you exclaim with Shizune's titty underneath your lips. You suck as hard as you can before Shizune knees you in the crotch... you know, just to get your MONEY'S worth. You fall to the ground in pain, the cup you always wear in case of these situations, was shattered. "H-Hiichan? What's a matter with you?", Misha kneels over you. "I... Heard your hair... It tastes like bubblegum", you explain as you stumble to your feet pathetically. "Silly Hiichan! There's no way hair can taste like bubblegum!-" Shizune kicks you across the face mid-Misha Mishaing as you stood back up on your feet, rocketing you into a nearby lunch table. A soda can spills over the top of you head as the students preoccupying the table suddenly spring up in shock. "...I guess I kinda deserved that...", you say as you flick the soda can off the top of your head. (The Soda Can subsequently explodes off-screen) "Shizune can be scary! Are you done with trying to eat my hair now, Hiichan? WAHAHA!", Misha asks as she raises her finger like she's explaining something important. ...

799

"No" "Huh?", Misha tilts her head again, like a Shaft anime. "I... MUST EAT... YOUR HAIR PIE!", you roar as you get back on your feet and sprint towards Misha. "HIICHAN! NO!", Misha yells as you chase her around the cafeteria. Misha dives underneath a table to hide from your onslaught. You respond by jumping on top of the table like a velociraptor, scattering the student's lunches that were currently being consumed, and punching a hole through the middle. "WAHA-AHHHHHHH!", Misha laugh-screams. Shizune jumps on top of your shoulders and starts punching the back of your skull. ...You shrug her off, only to see Misha sliding out from underneath the table. She stumbles to her feet and begins to sprint... pathetically... done the school hallway. ...Her healthy body begins to shake violently with every step she takes... "YOU CANNOT OUTRUN THE WIND!", you boast behind her as you chase after Misha. Misha suddenly disappears from your field of vision. "SHIT, SHE OUTRAN THE WIND!", you stop dead in your tracks. Misha takes refuge behind the Student Council Room door and balls up out of fear. ...You begin slamming the back of the door while yelling "BRAAAAAAIIIIINNNSSS", not even sure she's inside. Shizune catches up with you in the hallway mid-AAAAAIIIINNNNSSS and strikes up a fighter pose. "...!", Shizune ....!'s out loud and attempts to Rider Kick you. You dodge the flying kick and swoop your armpit around the top of Shizune's body.

800

Now you have a hostage! "MISHA, COME OUT NOW OR... THE GIRL GETS THE WORST NOOGIE OF HER NATURAL LIFE!" "GO AHEAD! SHIZUNE'S NOT AFRAID OF YOU!", Misha yells out behind the door. Shizune looks up to you and shakes her head strictly. ...You ruffle her hair frivolously, giving her the worst case of bed-hair in her life. "...!", Shizune signs to Misha... through the door... some...how? ... Misha reluctantly opens the door and walks outside drenched in sweat, her uniform sticking to all the right places. ...But she only ran like 20 feet... "ALRIGHT, HIICHAN! ALRIGHT! ...If it'll appease you, you can... taste my HAIR!", Misha yells out while raising her arms up in a panic. "THEN LET THE FEAST OF A THOUSAND MOON'S COMMENCE!", you yell out while releasing Shizune. You take Misha's drill and place it inside your mouth erotically... ... BLAH! "JOLLY RANCHER?" "That's my sham~poo style! CANDY! Wahaha!" "FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M OUT OF HERE", you pimp strut away with Misha's hair still stuck to your mouth and Misha with it.

801

*KNOCK KNOCK* You peek inside Hanako's unkept bedroom and spot her laying in her bed, covered to high heaven and sporting a nifty washcloth across her forehead. ...She appears to be sleeping... But we can fix that. You suck on your finger for a couple second and jam it into Hanako's inner ear. "WET WILLY WET WILLY WET WILLY!", you yell into Hanako's face while twisting your finger around in her ear. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!", Hanako screams as she springs up from her deep slumber, her ear dripping with saliva. "Oh Hanako, you're up! Just in time too-" "H-HISAO!?", Hanako yells in surprise before she weakly collapses back into her pillow. "I heard you were sick, so I've come to read you a bed-time story!", you cheerfully explain. "I-I was already... asleep!" "Well, now you're up. But we'll fix that!" "Why... I-Is my ear so... wet?" "Probably a symptom of whatever it is you have... And that is...?" You examine Hanako, the side that isn't burnt is pale white, the bags under her eyes is bagging, and she appears to be sniffling every couple seconds. "Here, blow this- I mean, blow with this", you hand a very sick Hanako a tissue. "ACHOOEY!", Hanako sneezes copious amounts of yellow nose slime, staining the tissue with it's putrid color. "Th-Thank you...", Hanako weakly gives you back the tissue, which you immediately throw

802

out the window. (The tissue explodes outside) "You're pretty... fucked up there, Hanako", you plainly state. "...Tha... Thank you for... It's uh.. I-It's nice you're here, Hisao", Hanako struggles to find the words. "It's no problem, it was either this or helping Shizune organize a mass blood donation drive. Truth be told, she was against it the moment I started poking holes in the donation bags" "W-Why did you... poke holes in them?" "Anyway, I've come to read you a story just like my Mother used to read me when I was sick. When I was like, five. But I figure, since you're a petite little scared girl, your mental age is pretty much that of a cum ridden carrot" "W-What...?" "Anyway, this story's called 'The inside of Misha's Anus' by Robert Frost" "S-STOP!", Hanako holds her palm in front of your face in clear defiance. "Fine, what do you WANT me to read? Princess Bride? Neverending Story? Fear and Lothing in Las Vegas?" "...", Hanako takes out a book from underneath her pillow and holds it in front of you. "...You keep a book underneath your pillow? It must be pretty fucking baller or really girly", you take the book from Hanako as she nudges it towards you. "...", Hanako stares at you intently. "The Prince of Roses? The fuck is this gay-ass shit?" "I-IT'S NOT GAY!", Hanako yells at you with fire in her eyes. "Fine fine, whatever", you explain while cracking open the book. You clear your throat intently.

803

"Once upon a time, there was a handsome Prince who was quite rude to normal folk. Because of his status, he feared that the women who took a liking to him were only in love with his money or his good looks-", you stop prematurely. "...", Hanako's staring at you intently while half of her face is covered in the bed sheet. "Yeah, this is totally not a rip-off of a Disney movie" "Just sh-shut up and read... P-Please" You clear your throat yet again. "So the young Prince took up the mindset of a misogynist, acting quite like an ass to every girl who shows any bit of affection. While kingdoms told legends of his beauty, so did the legends of his thorny scorn for women. And so he become known as- 'The Rose Prince'" Hanako begins coughing violently. You hand her a cup of peppermint tea Lilly told you to bring and clear your throat yet again while Hanako sips her cup, slowly. "One fine day, on the month Elvideer, dated Eleventy Twenty Teenth, a spiteful young maid was newly assigned to the Prince's care. The maid had become known throughout the land as a majorly rude little girl whom even went so far as to insult the King during a feast in his honor. Instead of having her beheaded, the King took a liking to the idea of assigning her to take care of his rotten son-"

"ACHOOEY!", Hanako sneezes yet again, snot dripping through the cracks in her hand. You casually hand her a box of kleenex to clean up and continue the story without looking up. "And so it was, a spiteful maid for a spiteful Prince. But the moment the maid laid her light tinted eyes on the Prince, she became intently quiet and timid. 'Yet, another one falls for me', the Prince thought to himself as he chuckled. He had no intentions of falling in love with a girl who likes him at first sight. There's no fun that way. So he put her to work, making the maid clean the chimneys, polish the pewter, make his bed five times a day, cleaned his shoes until they sparkled, and many other tasks most women would deem unfit and demeaning... And yet she did them without questioning the young master once. "Yes, Master..." or "As you wish" she'd casually reply. No other words came from her mouth.

804

Finally, the Prince grew impatient one winter night, and struck the young maid as she cleaned his shoes for the tenth time. "Are you so daftly in love that you'll forsake your humanity in the slim chance that I may take a liking to you?", he casually asked the Maid. She did not answer her master that day...-"

Hanako's sitting in her bed, Indian Style, her focus completely on you. "...The girl's conviction finally began to tear at the Prince. One day, he invited her to dine with him, he instructed her to wear something that would make her look distinguished as anything else would be nothing but a folly. She kindly declined, but the Prince quiet intently insisted. The maid looked nothing like herself outside of her outfit, her beauty actually rivaled the Prince's himself upon examination. He was so stricken by her sudden flush of beautiful display he complimented her for the first time in the months she served him.... And that was also the first time he saw the spitefully unspiteful maid smile. He poses his question once more, 'Why do you continue to serve me? Is it money you're after? Or is it my face?'. The girl kindly looked up, keeping her smile, and explained with kindness in her eyes not shown to anyone, 'It's because I'd never thought I'd meet anyone more pathetic than myself'" "Stricken with sudden realization that the girl looked at him out of pity he became enraged. He began yelling, defending himself with his status, money, and looks and diminishing everything the maid stood for. She kindly replied by jolting her head up and shooting him a smile. The Prince began to think to himself deeply, for all his money and handsome looks, he never truly was happy or content with anything in his life. Like a spoiled child he took everything for granted and yet she also appears to be so much like him. How could a girl with nothing be as spoiled as a man with everything? ...The self-entitlement this girl has shown his father must've been so cruel he passed her off taking care of someone even lower than herself. So that was it... Her service was nothing more than a joke and she was in on it the entire time, probably cursing him under her breathe while she was doing those demeaning chores before... But somehow. Somehow the Prince didn't feel the maid stayed in his service out of some pathetic joke or pity for that matter... He couldn't place his finger on it until the maid placed hers on his cheek." "She began nonchalantly wiping and cleaning his lips off like she always did for him in the past. 'The GULL!' the Prince thought to himself, stricken with unimaginable rage. He could have her hanged, decapitated, or lined up in front of a firing squad for this folly- But his seemingly uncontrollably rage was subdued the moment the maid laid a long and sudden kiss on his lips. The girl was in tears as she pulled away, and started crying heartbreakingly in the Prince's shoulder. That was when the Prince realized it, she wasn't serving him out of

805

pity or some sad joke, she was serving him because she can only love and respect someone more spiteful than she... In any other life, this girl would've made a fine queen or princess. The Prince, upon understanding this revelation, proposed to the spiteful maid the following morning. She declined, much to his dismay. But she explained why in one brief sentence, 'You're my master and you will always be my master', she said as she cleaned up the dishes. Every month or so, the Prince would deliver her a bouquet of Roses and ask for her hand in marriage but only to be turned down again and again. The Prince never married and went on to reign as King in his father's stead. However, the maid stuck with him no matter the costs." "For years and years, she took care of him until he was sickly on his death bed and she was nearing the end of her life as well. The King of Roses passed away of old age and was buried beneath a huge stage of thorn ridden white roses. The old maid slit her wrists and bled to death upon the white roses, staining them blood red. She moved on to be with the King, where she could serve him again in the next life" "...Zzzz...", Hanako appears to be sleeping soundly on your lap... You don't remember her even being on there. "...And they all lived happily ever after, except for Rin who died of breast cancer two months later. The end-" ? Upon further examination, the illustration of the Prince found in the back of the book... Looks... Just like you? "WHOA", you put on your best Keanu Reeves impression.

806

The Hentai
Kenji, Takashi, Taro, and yourself are currently peeking inside the school's water aerobics center, spying on the girls currently using the pool from the oh-so-empty hallway. "Wait, Kenji, why the fuck are you even here? You hate girls", you politely ask Kenji while peeking from below. "BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY", Kenji plainly retorts. "B-Boy... Girls in swimsuits are so... sexy...", Takashi remarks while drooling over himself. "TARO FEEL FUNNY IN PANTS", Tard-o yells out loud. The disabled girls inside the aerobics center are using the pool to it's full potential, the girls without legs and doggy paddling with their hands, girls without a hand/arm are laying on their backs and propelling themselves by kicking, plenty of girls with other disabilities are just hanging out by the pool's steps, chatting. "Guys, you know we're n-not supposed to be here, right?", Takashi mutters after spontaneousally growing a conscious. "I didn't know you were a dickless like you are earless" "I-I HAVE A WORKING EAR!" "THAT'S LIKE HAVING ONE WORKING NUT", Kenji yells point blank into Takashi's face. ! You spot Misha and Shizune in swimsuits idly chatting, Misha wahahaing like an idiot. Her bosom shakes about like a plate of Jello, you can't stop staring at her breasts. It's like you're in a trance with Daft Punk snorting blow out of robotic hookers asses. "Shit! Shitshitshitshit... I th-think we've been SPOTTED!-", Takashi pussies out and tries to run "SPARTANS, HOLD!", Kenji yells as he latches onto Takashi and pins him to the ground with his knee. "Ack.. Fine fine... I-I guess we'll be fine as long as we aren't discovered..." ... "Where's... Hisao?", Takashi looks up and about.

807

"FUCK WATER!", you scream as you cannonball into the pool from out of nowhere. "AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!", the girls scream from all points of the pool. "LADIES! Ladies! Please. I come in peace", you sing out as you emerge from defeating the pool and leaning on the floating rope near the deep portion. You strike up a smile, which one of your mighty tooths blesses with a mighty 'DING'. Within seconds, the swarm of girls in swim suits flock around you. "I thought that was you, Hisao! Couldn't really tell from the green blur from the corner of my eye", Emi remarks as she swims around you. "You know you're not supposed to be here, shithead!", a random cripple girl yells out. You splash water in her general direction. "S-STOP THAT!", she yells out. You splash her again. "ARRGGGHH!", she splashes you back. "HAHAHA!", you laugh back at her and splash another girl. You begin to chase girls around the pool, pretending to be a crab. "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GONNA PINCH YOU INAPPROPRIATELY!", you yell to the girls. "AHAHA! NOO!", a random handless girl in a swim suit yelps out. "OH NO YOU DON'T!", a girl wearing an eyepatch proclaims. "HAHAHA, STOP!", Emi yells back at you. "I'M GONNA GET YOU!~", you sing out again. You continue chasing girls around the pool, pinching them in no-touch places, and laughing about while doing it. "LIKE A FUCKING BOSS!", Takashi roars out, but without leaving the corner of the hallway. ! You feel something finally grab you.

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"THIS KILLS THE HIICHAN!", Misha roars out as she catches you between her legs and squeezes. "...!", Shizune signs furiously. "OKAY-DOOKEY! Hiichan, you've had your fun, but now if you wouldn't mind", Misha points to the doorway like Shizune does, only with more retardation. "Ahhhh!", the girls protest Shizune's strict bullshit. "It's alright ladies, I've defiled you all with my seed the moment I decided to jump into this pool with my semen soaked underwear. My work here is done" ! The school bells suddenly rings. "And not a moment too soon- Wait, we have school bells?", you comment. The girls begin to lethargically exit the pool and enter the shower-room to change and naturally shower. "...!", Shizune signs furiously to you as she gets out of the pool. "AND NO FOLLOWING!", Misha translates as Shizune enters the shower-room. "PFFFT, whatever, I'ma chill", you lay back into the water. ! You can still see Misha exiting the pool and falling on her face with the grace of a retard, the speed of a retard, and theOkay, she's a retard. ! She falls in front of you in a way that exposes that spot between the crack of her legs... The water dripping from the bottom her swimsuit and making it suction to her skin gives you a weird mental image of Misha's naked ass and crotch. ...Is she pink down there... too?

809

... You begin to ask yourself this over and over again. You must figure out a way to see Misha's crotchWait. "HEY MISHA! WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FEAR!", you yell to her while she crawls on the ground toward the shower-room. "GHOSTS!" "OH, COOL!", you reply back. "WHY DO YOU WANNA KNOW, HIICHAN?" "WHY DO I WANNA KNOW WHAT?", you reply back. "... I FORGET, WAHAHA!" Goddamn, you're a retard. You walk past Kenji, Taro, and Takashi who are still waiting in the corner, dripping wet. "THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME BRO, I WOULD'VE STEPPED IN SOONER, BUT YOU KNOW, GIRLS PEE IN THAT POOL" "You lay in your own pools of urine every night" "TOTALLY NOT THE POINT" "I think I got a bah-ner when he said that girls pee in the pool", Taro blurts out. "God, I hate you, Taro" You walk on past the trio and outside, where you make a pact with the Sun God, and dry your clothes off with the power of solar energy. ... On second though, that could take hours. You walk back to the trio, beat up Takashi, and take his school uniform.

810

"EXCUSE ME, I NEED THIS FOR SCIENCE" You walk back into your own room, throw Takashi's uniform out the window, and put on one of your spare school uniforms. ..................... Night falls upon the land, classes are over, you spot Misha walking down the hallway. "MISHA! MISHA!", you run to her in a panic. "EH? HIICHAN, WHAT'S WRONG!?" "COME WITH ME, FAST!" You grab hold of Misha's hand and pull her into a vacant blind school room and shit the door behind you. "So... What's up!", Misha makes a statement rather than a question. "Misha... I just found out something DREADFUL!" "E-EH? WHAT?!" "Keep your drills from spinning for this one, alright?" "...", Misha looks at you with misplaced determination. "YOUR PANTIES ARE HAUNTED!" ... "...", Misha looks at you with a unbelieving stare. "...R-REALLY!" "Hisao, do you think I'm an idiot?", Misha puts on a poutey face. "H-HA..Ha... Oh well, I was hoping that'd wor-" "Because I already removed my panties today! Wahaha!" "OH NO! A NONEXISTENT BANANA PEEL!", you yell pathetically as you fall headfirst into Misha's lap.

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"H-HIICHAN!", Misha yells out as she tries to catch youMisha turns around at an odd angle to try and get you before you fell into her... ...And so instead of falling headfirst into her crotch, you fall headfirst into her butt. But hey, atleast, it was a soft landing. "You OKAY down there, Hiichan?" You spin Misha around so it's her front your head is stuck in. ! The tip of your nose comes in contact with something warm and moist inside.... "AHH~", Misha yells out in pleasure. You rub your face in the newly found crevice of pink female flesh. "MWAHT IS WTHEHS?", you muffle from beneath Misha's... Well, muffle. You flip Misha's skirt upwards to shine some light underneath. "AH-HAH! JUST AS I THOUGHT, PINK PUBES!", you pinch the little tuft of hair above Misha's crotch. "AH! HISAO! STOP!", Misha protests strongly. "NYOHOHO, I HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT-" ... Your face feels... sticky. *Sniff* *Sniff* And it smells like... "Misha, be a dear and tell me why you weren't wearing underwear?" "...You want to... know?" "Yes" "You WEEEEEEALLY wanna know?"

812

"YES" "I peed myself during class! WAHAHA!" ... "Well, I think I'm done here" "Nggh...", Hanako bites her lip as she caresses her pussy with a finger vibrator. Hanako's pace quickens... ! Hanako digs her fingers into the bedsheets as hard as humanly possible and finishes with intensity. ... Minutes go by as Hanako lays motionless on her bed, staring at the ceiling after climaxing. "...", she narrows her eyes, deep in thought. ... "...It's not enough...", Hanako whispers despite no one being around. The next day... "HEY HANAKO! A DOISHMAN SAYS WHAT", you yell as you great Hanako in the tea room. "Hisao, I want to watch you jerk off" ... "..." "..." "..." "...", Hanako goes back to sipping her cup of tea. "Well... that wasn't... a 'what'"

813

The visible half of Hanako's face is liquid red. "I-is that a yes or a no?", she mutters to herself. "Well, I do that then what are you going to do for me?", you begin bargaining jokingly despite. Hanako clutches her skirt and begins to shake violently. "I-I'll... let you watch...", Hanako spells out without looking at you. "Like I don't already" "I'm SERIOUS, Hisao! I-If you let me watch you jerk off I'll let you watch me MASTURBATE!", Hanako yells in random intervals. ... You shake your head in disapproval. "OKAY!" "You know... I'm still right here...", Lilly breaks the awkward silence. "...So where do you wanna do this thing?", you switch it back to Hanako, "You room? My room? Right here in front of Lilly?" "I really must protest-", Lilly tries to speak up. "T-The roof", Hanako explains as she stands up. "Right now?" Hanako walks over to you and looks up into your face with watery puppy dog eyes. "THEN LET US FAP, FAP LIKE THE GODS!", you roar. "Y-YEAH! LET'S GO M-MASTURBATE REALLY REALLY WELL!", Hanako tries to keep up in her own way. The two of you exit the team room in a stampede. "...I miss the days where we just sat down and drunk tea", Lilly sips her cup, feeling forever alone.

814

THE ROOF! "AND NOBODY'S AROUND, LET US NOT TARRY, HANAKO! LET'S SEE THE PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL YOU HAVE PREPARED!", you speak out excitedly, trickling your fingers in a 'GIMME GIMME' gesture. "P-Porno? I don't have any porno...", Hanako slinks her head down. "...You wanted to masturbate together and we don't have any material to masturbate to?" "W-We have each other... Right?" ... Your pants become Boa Constrictors. "THEN LET US FUCK LIKE HORNY BUNNY RABBITS-" "N-NO! NO SEX! O-Or touching...!", Hanako yells out. ... "You're breaking my balls here, two-face" The two of you sit awkwardly back to back, you awkwardly fapping away, and Hanako kinda just twiddling herself. ... "Alright, that's it. Let me see your pussy", you peek over Hanako's shoulder. Hanako pulls up her skirt and presses it across her blouse, exposing naked crotch. "Huh, you shave regularly, don't you?", you ask while noticing her scarring doesn't extend to the top part. "H-Hair doesn't... grow down there", Hanako explains as she glances your way. Hanako peers over your shoulder now. "...So... That's what a penis looks like...?" "Oh don't worry, it gets bigger!", you cheerfully boast.

815

"...", Hanako stares intently at your dick, which seems to be rising while you peer over her shoulder at the top of her pussy. .... "You seem to be speeding up there, Hanako" "Ah huh...", Hanako replies without thinking. "Man, what a perverted girl...", you sigh while you continue to fap away. ...Hanako begins to sweat intently from the visual stimulation. "Mind pushing your pantyhose down further?", you ask Hanako while rolling your head on her shoulder like a playful kitten. Hanako pushes her pantyhose down between her ankles with one hand, still rubbing herself with a quickened pace. ... Meh. "...This still isn't working for me, I'm gonna need a closer LOOK" You push Hanako to the side. "H-HISAO!?", she yelps out in surprise. You roll to the floor and position yourself between Hanako's open legs. A clear view of her pussyNo wait. You flip her skirt up so the sunlight exposes her flesh. Now, it's a clear view of Hanako's pussy. "DON'T L-LOOK!", Hanako tries to criss cross her legs. "Yeah, that ain't happening", you causally reply as you pry Hanako's legs apart. ... Your dick hardens at max capacity, lifting yourself up off the ground in the process.

816

"COCK PUSH UP!", you boast while you continue to burn a hole in Hanako's crotch with your gaze. "O-Oh no... D-Dicks, my only we-weakness!" "Hanako, stop bantering" "...", Hanako looks away, embarrassed, but continues to schlick in front of your face. ...She stops after the adrenaline of being seen begins to decrease. "I can't see your DICK!", Hanako protests her frustration. "Nyohoho, that can be fixed!" You pick Hanako up with a sudden burst of cock strength. "W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" You sit down on the cold ground and sit Hanako down on your legs, so you're both facing each other with your respectable genitals in full view. "I said.. no touching", Hanako looks away again. "It's not like I stuck it in, now continue, please~ IT'S MASTURBATION TIME!" "...T-Then I guess it's masturbation time for me too...", Hanako pathetically agrees. The two of you continue fapping in front of each other, on top of each other, and occasionally avoiding awkward eye contact. "I think I might be close to cumming, Hanako" "Eh?" "In fact, I think I'm about to right now-" "E-EH!?", Hanako's sweating red face suddenly turns white with horror. "You shoulder probably unbutton your blouse, unless you want it on your uniform. I'm not totally against that" "Y-You're not shooting your nasty sperm on my T-TITS!"

817

"I could always do it in your face or hair, MONEYSHOT! BAM!" "N-NO!", Hanako shakes her head violently in disagreement. "Well, that kinda only leaves one visible place to ejaculate" "Where... W-Would that be, per say?" You hug Hanako and push her towards you in an instant. The feeling of ejaculation comes like a tidal wave, a gold rush of semen expels from your penis and onto the outside of Hanako vagina. "EEEEEK! N-N-NO! NONONONONONO!-" You latch onto Hanako harder, so she could get up, and hold her tight until you finish. ... A minute or two passes, your dick finally goes flaccid and slips across the inner part of Hanako's thight, leaving a cum trail. "Y-You...", Hanako looks down at the mess around her vagina. "Hey, I didn't come inside you, so it's not all bad, right? And we all lived happily ever after, except for Rin of course, who dies of breast cancer two months-" Hanako begins rubbing the semen around her pussy, using it like a lubricant. "Eh?", you look down in surprise. "...What if I get pregnant from doing this, Hisao?", Hanako asks deviously while she slips her semen soaked fingers into her lips and into her dripping crevice, "After all, I haven't finished yet~" The sound of your cum mixing with Hanako's juices begins to fill your head with a shocking real outcome. Hanako could get pregnant from rubbing your semen inside her vagina. Sh-SHIT! You have to make her finish before anything more happens! You rip open Hanako's blouse, push up her bra, and sink your teeth into Hanako's tit.

818

"AHHH!", Hanako suddenly convulses. You begin sucking hard, it doesn't taste particularly good, but hearing Hanako yelp in shock makes you hungry for anything. "S-STOP! THAT TICKLES!", Hanako tries desperately to push you off. You take off your necktie and try to wipe off Hanako's pussy as best you can! DAMN IT! YOUR DICK'S GETTING HARD AGAIN! "FUCK THIS!" You pick up Hanako, push against the rooftop fence, and stick your penis between her legs. "GRIND", you command the woman like a GOD. "...", Hanako peers back at you, her purple eyes shining like the eyes of a killer. She begins to rub the top of your dick against her pussy while she jacks off the rest with her thighs. "TH-THIS DOESN'T COUNT AS SEX, RIGHT?", you ask her while pumping into Hanako from behind. "...", Hanako doesn't respond, she merely quickens her paces. You cup Hanako's left breast and begin to fondle her as rough as possible! You can feel Hanako beginning to tighten up, her nipples are rock hard. She's cumming. You quicken your pace between Hanako's thigh, imagining you're actually fucking her, her ass banging against your hips as you rip into her like actual intercourse. !

819

Hanako begins to rub her clitoris as hard as possible while you fire away powerful batches of cum between her thighs. The cum flies through the rooftop's flimsy fence, and into the glasses below.... of a very shocked Shizune. "...!", Shizune tries furiously to yell or make some gesture to express just how angry she is. "HI SHIICHAN! SAY~ IS THAT CREAM SUGAR ON YOUR GLASSES? WAHAHA~", Misha appears from out of nowhere. Misha licks the white liquid off Shizune's glasses as a taste. "Hmm... It's salty, not sugary...", Misha explains with a finger raises up. "HEY SHIZUNE! I'M DONE WITH THE ERRAND YOU TOLD ME TO RU- Oh hey, is that liquid sugar? I know it's against my diet but a little bit never hurt anyone!", Emi butts in. "...!", Shizune waves her arms trying to tell Emi it's not. "...", Emi takes a little off Shizune's glasses and sticks her finger inside her mouth to taste it, "Hmmm... This isn't... Sugar?" "Hey Emi, I need help with someth- What are you guys doing?", Rin appears from the background. "Hey Rin, taste this!", Emi points to white liquid on top of Shizune's glasses. Shizune covers her face in embarrassment as Rin takes a swab with her toe and licks it slowly. "Know what that is... Riichan?", Misha asks with innocent eyes. "...I know what this is", Rin casually remarks. You and Hanako witness the events uncovering below. "..." "..." "...PFFFFTTTT HAHAHAHA", you burst out laughing with Hanako still pressed against you. "HAHAHAHA!", Hanako laughs maniacally with you.

820

Blood Cake & The Safety Dance

"HIYYYYYYYAAAAAHHHHH", you scream as you emerge from your bed and scream at the ceiling. Today's the day! You've decided to surprise Rin, that armless dude, by making him lunch without her knowledge! Because you're a kind and caring person, unlike every other girl going to Yamfucku High, the HARLOTS. You slip on your school uniform and adjust your blouse ribbon... But now you're faced with your first cum-on-drum of the day! What to wear down below...? "HMMMM....!", you stare intensely inside your dresser. Pantyhose... Spats... Star glittered pink rainbow socks... Or just plain old underwear? ... "I CHOOSE... ALL OF THE ABOVE!" You slip on your panties, then pantyhose, then spats, then socks, and transform your legs into a clusterfuck of 'what'. "I'M STYLIN' AND PROFILAN!", you boast maniacally. Now then... What does Rin like to eat? Rin seems like a strange person, so maybe he likes sour things like all strange people do. But then again, he seems like a stoner and stoners eat plenty of unhealthy snacks during

821

'munchey' time. Does he like pork? What are you saying, everybody loves pork! Just like everyone loves Pop-Tarts! And Pringles! And Masturbation! Sometimes in that order! You sit cross legged on your bed and start agreeing with yourself because you're always right while everyone else is wrong. Rin would like a... You dig out your recipe for Angel Food Cake, the purest kind of cake, and gather up the ingredients. "Man, I wonder why they call chocolate cake 'Devil's Food' and white cake 'Angel's Food'?", you think out loud to yourself as you break a couple eggs open. Like a pro, you begin beating together the ingredients into a batter. "Nye-he-he, I'm sure Rin's just gonna love this~ " You prick your finger with a hair-pen and drip a couple drops of your blood into the mix. "It's a sure-fire love spell!", you sing out as you beat the batter like a witch's cauldron. You pour the batter into a spotless pan and place it into a portable oven you stole from a free give-away. You set the timer and go into the bathroom to stare at your own butt. You will never have a ghetto booty.... Or firm breasts for that matter. "WHY AM I SO INSECURE!?" you yell as you punch the floor dramatically. *DING!* "OH~ CAKE'S DONE!" You moon-walk back into your room and take the cake out to cool down. "Nye-he-he! There's no way he won't appreciate a home made cake! He'll fall to his knees and worship your name!" ... "Or he'll just say 'Ah thanks' and chomp down without even looking at it...", you hang your head down.

822

... "GODDAMN YOU BIPOLAR EXPECTATIONS!!", you scream as you punch the still-hot cake in blind rage. ... "AAAHHHHAAAHHAAA! MY HAND!", you swing your arm up and down in a flurry to try and cool down. AAAAHHHHHH, FUCKSHIT DAMNCUNTS! THE CAKE IS MESSED UP! Lunch Time. You peek inside the Art room with the cake-box in hand... ...And spot Rin sitting on the windowsill about to drinking a can of carb-oh-nated soda. Stealthy, you sneak underneath the desks and to the wall next to Rin, using your Spiderman powers, you climb up the wall and right above Rin... Wait no, you don't have Spiderman powers. "Huh?", Rin hears you half-heartingly trying to climb the wall next to him. He peeks over the side of the window toward said wall... Only to see nothingness. "?", Rin goes back to sipping his soda out through a strawHe turns around to be greeted by your face, not but a couple inches away from his face. "HOLA!", you cheerfully boast out. "AH!", Rin gets taken back. He falls face-first off the windowsill, making a noise that sounds like a homo being strangled. "...Hi, Misao", Rin muffles from the floor. You set the cake-box down and help Rin up while also trying to cop a feel.

823

Rin's always been pretty pretty for a guy, that hair accessory made you mistake him for a chick the first time you met*Sniff Sniff* "Your hair smells nice...", you compliment Rin while making dizzy eyes. "Thank you, I laced it with cocaine", Rin apathetically blurts out in a tone can never tell is serious or joking. ... "I wanna shuffle your hair!", you excitingly tell Rin. "Yeah, That's not happening", Rin waves his big toe, "By the way, what's in that box, Misao?" ! "Oh! I almost forgot!" You take out the cake box and open it in front of Rin. "HAPPY LUNCH-TIME, RIN!", you roar out as you expose the crumpled angel food cake with red blood spots visible. "...", Rin stares at you for a couple seconds. "...What?" "Sorry Misao, I already ate lunch earlier" "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?", you shout as you shake Rin furiously about by his collar. "N-NO! I REALLY REALLY ATE LUNCH FIVE MINUTES AGO! BIG ONE! LIKE THE BIG DIPPER ONLY NOT IN SPACE!" "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!", you continue shaking Rin furiously. "S-Sorry Misao, but I'm full", Rin pathetically explains. "...Oh", you let go of Rin and hang your head down.

824

... "WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD BUSTER! YOU'RE STILL EATING THIS CAKE, NOW SHOVEL IT DOWN BEFORE I GIVE YOU A KNUCKLE SANDWICH INSTEAD!", you reaffirm with fire in your eyes. "Sorry, but I just don't like cake, well I don't like anything with 'ake' in it" "B-But it's Angel Food cake! It tastes totally different from other stuff! Really!", you try again. "My answer's still no" You lower the cake in disappointment. "...Oh.." ...You take the cake and dump it into the nearby trashcan. ? "Hey Misao, what happened to your hand?", Rin asks in a curious tone. You look down to your poorly wrapped up burnt knuckles. "T-THIS? AHAHAHA! WHY, I CUT MYSELF SHAVING!" "...It's on your hand" "W-WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS I HAD TO BEAT UP A COUPLE FRESHMEN TODAY TO SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS! HAHAHA, IT'S NOTHING!~ NOTHING!~" "If you... say so", Rin raises an eye brow. You will never be a good housewife. SadMisao.jpg You contemplate walking out the door and running down the hallways while you cry like a little bitch because you didn't get to make Rin his lunch, but that's so beta. "WELL THEN. WISE GUY, What IS your favorite food?", you ask/demand/askmand Rin. "...I like Salads. Junk food sometimes too"

825

"THAT'S LIKE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS" "A lot of things are two different things, kinda defeats the purpose of the phrase" "WHAT?" "Stuff" You shake your head at mock speed and ignite your frustrations into a supernova. You jump on top of Rin's shoulders and sink your teeth into his skull. "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE MEEEEE!?", you scream into his hair. "W-WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, OW!", Rin stumbles about. Your weight brings Rin down to the ground"MY WEIGHT!?" I mean, Rin accidentally trips on something somewhere and collapses to the ground, bringing you down with him. You continue to gnaw into Rin until you feel satisfied"Yo, Rin! I'm back from Mcdonald's with your lunch-", Jemi, the legless blonde guy, walks in with a Mcdonald's bag in each hand. ... He freezes when he sees Rin on the floor, with you eating his head. "A lot happens when I'm not around... Huh?", Jemi scratches his head in confusion. "...Lunch?... DID YOU SAY LUUUUNCH!?", you glare into Jemi's soul. He slowly backs away and closes the door in front of him. "O-Oh hey, food's here. T-Tell you what, I'll just let you have it-", Rin tries to bargain with you. You silently release him from your fanged grasp, walk over to the trash can, and dig out the Angel Food Cake from the bottom. You shove the mushed cake in front of Rin as he stumbles to his feet.

826

"Eat." "ACK! T-There's hairs on this-", Rin protests. You wipe off the cake and shove it in his face again. "Say Ahhh~", you put on a innocent smile from out of the blue. "I'm sorry, Misao, I-I mean it-", tries to reconcile. You shove a piece of cake into Rin's mouth as he speaks. "MMMPPHHHERRHUMMPPHH", Rin attempts to speak as he wolves it down. "I knew you'd love it~ ", you tilt your head and giggle. "..This... Tastes strange? W-What exactly's in it?" "Huh? Oh! Ingredients?", you begin counting by fingers, "Well, there's Eggs, there's Water, there's Sugar, a few drops of blood, some Cake-mix-" "Blood...?" "Can you taste it? My blood, I mean?" "Why would you put your blood into a cake?" "You shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answers to~" Rin gets up and runs over to the trashcan to attempt to puke. ...But he can't reach the back of his throat with his toes... "Oh hey, having trouble with your gag reflex? Let me help you with that!" You suck on your index finger and stick it inside to the back of Rin's throat. "ACK!", Rin gags but doesn't throw up. "I think that counts as a indirect french kiss~", you sing out playfully. Rin runs over to the Mcdonalds bag and shoves his face inside like a rabid dog, something, ANYTHING to get your saliva and blood out of his mouth.

827

Thank god for awful tasting burnt Mcdonald's fries. "From now on, I'm gonna make you lunch every day, Mkay?", you explain to Rin while momentarily pulling his head out of the bag, "Because if you don't eat what I make~, I'll make sure you don't eat anything at all, alright?~" Rin nods in confirmation, not wanting any more punishment. "...Good! Now that we're both in agreement, I'll see you again tomorrow", you clutch your fist and leer at Rin, "And if you don't show up, I'll bite off your penis" "And this order of operations is known as 'The Pythagorean Relationship'... No, that can't be right. I thought it was called 'The Pythagorean Therum'...", the teacher scratches his facial hair as he gives yet another boring lecture. "Zzzz...", Suzu seems to be sleeping again. ...Nyo...ho...ho. You crumple a piece of paper and throw it at Suzu's sleeping face. ...But she continues right on sleeping... Miki, the one handed black girl, responds to you throwing a piece of paper at her friend by throwing a shoe at your face. ! It leaves a red shoe imprint across your face. "WHO THROWS A SHOE, HONESTLY!?", you curse under your breathe. ...Suzu still appears to be in a state of deep sleep. "Hmm...", you go into a state of deep thought. What haven't you done to that narcoleptic girl...? You drew on her face before... Slapped a 'kick me' sign on her back once... Looked up get skirt once as well... !

828

The bell rings and the teacher concludes his lecture with a bow. Everyone is eager to exit the room and go do whatever it is they always do. You see Miki attempting to wake up Suzu and tell her class is over with... ...But Suzu doesn't appear to be responding. "Honestly... Why do I even bother?", Miki scoffs out loud to herself. You stay put in your seat, twiddling your fingers like a republic serial villain. After a couple minutes, Miki gives up and leaves her notes next to Suzu before she finally trots off. ...The room seems to be empty now, just you, and the slumbering narcoleptic girl. You get up, close the classroom door for privacy purposes, and walk in front of Suzu. You bend down, and examine her sleeping face. ...Now that you have a clear look at her, she's kinda cute, really. Her girlish lips catch your eye for some strange reason. Come to think of it, you haven't actually kissed a girl before, despite poking it to Rin and rubbing one out on Hanako. Huh, that's like learning to run before you walk. ...You look to the left and then to the right. "OH HO HO HO", you laugh in a thick french accent, "ZE LIPS LOOK RIPE FOR ZE TAKING!" You pick up Suzu by the chin and stare at her face for a couple seconds. ...Well, it IS her fault for falling asleep during class... "Here goes nothing..." You move into Suzu's face to kiss her-But miss her mouth entirely and end up pecking her nose.

829

"NOSE BE DAMNED" You smoosh Suzu's cheeks with your fingers so her mouth opens. ...Minty... You look to your left and right again, making damn sure nobody's around. "Well, here goes nothing... AGAIN!" You tilt your head sideways and press your mouth against Suzu's. ... Well, your lips are pressed up against each other, so that much is going right... Now for the tongueYou extend the tip of your tongue inside Suzu's mouth, grazing against her teeth in the process. "...", you narrow your eyes as you begin to concentrate. You try to extend Suzu's jawline a bit so you can sink your tongue in deeper. ! Your tongue finally meets hers, that warm slimy thing... It's tasty. Saliva begins to seep down Suzu's chin as you continue to pummel her tongue. ! Suzu's tongue begins to move about? I-Is she awake? You open your eyes again and examine Suzu's face. ...She's still sleeping? Suzu must be having some sort of a lucid dreamOh well, shit happens.

830

"OM NOM NOM NOM NOM", you continue french kissing Suzu! ...Until her teeth sink down. "NAH-KNEE!?", your tongue is trapped, and with it, your face! Suzu immediately opens her eyes, revealing a hidden agenda. "HOHOHOHO, YOU FELL RIGHT INTO MY TRAP, NECKTIE!", Suzu says in a unexpectedly evil voice. "WAIT... I KNOW THAT VOICE-" Suzu's hair begins to move as if it has a mind of its ownSNAKES! "MEDUSA! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN" "GAZE INTO MY BEAUTY, HISAO!" You close your eyes and shove your fingers up Medusa's nose. "BLAH!", she lets go her grip on her tongue. You backflip away from her and whip out your penis. "LET US ROCK, BITCH!" "WAAAHHH" You extend your dick out and penetrate Medusa's skull, impaling her to the wallWait no, that's Broujo, not Nyo-houjo. Ignore that. Suzu nonchalantly opens her eyes with your tongue still locked inside. ...She stares at you like she's... staring right through you?

831

"Suzu...?", you ask. "...", Suzu doesn't respond. ...Is she still asleep? You prop down her jawline, and slip your tongue out from her canines. "SUZU!", you yell into her face. ... Her head collapses back onto the top of her desk. "Well, I don't think I'll be sticking my tongue there..." You peer over Suzu, still in a deep narcoleptic coma. You're not satisfied quiet yet. You snap your fingers in front of Suzu to make completely sure she's asleep and not waking up. ... Oh man, this could land you in a lot of troubleEh, whatever, you only live once. You walk behind Suzu and push her chair out sideways away from her desk. Suzu's sleeping head seems to be resting on her right shoulder. You kneel down and pull down Suzu's panties, taking care to slip them through her shoes. A strong smell seems to be emanating from Suzu's pussy. ... It's driving you wild. You scrunch up Suzu's skirt and tuck it behind her butt, giving a clear view of her womanhood. The small amount of light blue pubic hair around her unmentionables is actually quite

832

pleasing to your eyes. "I wonder..." You slowly open her vaginal lips and peek closer into Suzu's vagina. ...You thought so. A hymen. Suzu is a virgin. You take your fingers away from Suzu's pussy and extend your tongue out yet again. It's a man's job in life to fill holes with his body. This time, there won't be any teeth to stop you. You lick Suzu's pussy to your heart's content. "Hmm...", Suzu begins to move around her in sleep. Her body is responding to you unconsciously. "NYOHOHO!", you Nyohoho with the vibration of your tongue. *Schlick Schlick* You lick the outside of Suzu's pussy like a lollipop. Suzu's pussy juices start to run down the side of your cheeks, dripping off your chin during the process. It's not like you haven't done this before, but after unexpectedly eating out Lilly, you've come to realize pussy is an acquired taste for gentlemanly men. ...And lesbians. Hell, you can kinda see why lesbianism is so hot right nowSuzu's head rolls forward unconscionably, and with it, her body falls forward as well. "HMPH-" You fall backwards as Suzu falls forwards, the bottom part of her body landing on your face.

833

Frustratingly, you push her off to the side and spring back up on your feet. ! Suzu's legs are wide agap with her dripping wet girlhood in full view. You can see her breathing is starting to quicken, but Suzu's still fast asleep even after taking a tumble. ... You look to the right and to the left one last time. It'd be... rude to say the least, to stick your dick in there and take Suzu's virginity while she snoozes. But chances like these only come around every so often. Your own sense of morality is overcome with your hormonal instincts to jam it in. ...But should you really? ... You take the roll of paper towels off the teacher's desk and rip off a couple rolls. After spit shining Suzu's virgin pussy, you wipe off your face and wash your mouth out with a water bottle. ... THEN YOU STRIKE A POSE. SUDDENLY MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY FROM THE FLOOR, THE CEILING, THE WALLS, THE ENTIRE EXISTENCE OF BEING FILLS WITH AN UNGODLY AWESOME TUNE. "...you can dance... YOU CAN DANCE!", you burst out hallway door and begin dancing. "YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS BEHIND, BECAUSE IF YOUR FRIENDS DON'T DANCE AND IF THEY DON'T DANCE, WELL THEY'RE, NO FRIENDS OF MINE!", you roar out as you dance down the hallway. Emi stops what she's doing and joins you. "FRANS-SAY!", Emi sings alongside you.

834

You cross each other's arms and circle around. Other students begin to follow your example and begin dancing with their bum legs, handless arms, and blindness. "WE CAN DANCE! WE CAN DANCE! EVERYBODY'S TAKING THE CHAAA~NCE" You stand on your tippy toes and strike a pose, everybody in the hallway does the same as if the school is now one giant coordinated dance group. "IT'S SAFE TO DANCE!" "OH WELL, IT'S SAFE TO DANCE!" "YES! IT'S SAFE TO DAAANCE!" You boogaloo and loogaboo, and everybody does the same. Suddenly, T-Pain, The Principal, Jackie Chan, Professor Rexicus, and Chris Farley in a stripper outfit all join you on the dance floor as the school grounds turns into a giant disco dome. Everybody begins to chant and dance together. "S-S-S-S-S A-A-A-A-A-A F-F-F-F-F-F E-E-E-E-E-E" Everybody strikes a pose. "SAFETY DANCE!" You unzip your pants and let your dick spring itself free. ...Suzu's pussy look appetizing, but it'd be a good idea to coat your dick in... saliva. You kneel down to Suzu's face and press the tip of your dick against her lips. Suzu's elevated breathing and hot breathe sends pleasant little vibes up your shaft, it's like it's tickling the underside of your penis. You slide the head of your dick down the inside of Suzu's mouth, being careful to avoid her teeth. A small batch of saliva trickles down Suzu's face, as you soak your dick inside her mouth.

835

That should do it. You take your dick out, the feeling of Suzu's warm saliva slipping off the tip of your dick nearly makes you climax. You walk to the point between Suzu's legs now, and kneel down one last time. Her legs are positioned just right, but you spread the a little bit further apart, easier access the better. ... You feel like you're about to burst, you really shouldn't stick your penis inside Suzu without protection, you know you're probably going to ejaculate fuckloads on semen inside within a couple thrusts. But the thought of that... Just makes you want to penetrate Suzu even harder. "Yare Yare, what's a man to do?" You position Suzu's hips upwards and poke your dick against her vagina lips. Let's steal that V card. Your slowly slide your unprotected penis inside Suzu, she's now officially a bareback girl. Suzu's face is now starting to blush as her breathing grows faster and faster. While she might not be aware of what's happening, her body most certainly is. ! You dive deeper inside her, Suzu's pussy makes such a lewd noise as you do so. Her insides are quite inviting, though extremely... tight. You slowly slide every inch of your member into her, until you feel the Suzu tighten up around the tip of your manhood. ! You've successfully penetrated Suzu's hymen...But there's no blood coming out? Wonder why?

836

She was clearly a virgin, maybe she just masturbates a lot? Whatever the case, it's welcome. The sight of a girl bleeding on your dick kinda makes you limp anyway. !...!...! You begin to move your hips back and forth, each thrust making a lewder and lewder schlick noise as the precum that coats your dick begins to soak in Suzu's pussy. The smell makes you go insane, you can't get enough of it. "Ngh... Hah... Hag...", Suzu's moans in her sleep, spit starting to drip down both sections of her face. ! SHIT! You were right before, only a few thrusts in and you have to ejaculate a fucking RIVER! "HOLD IT... HOLD IT...!", you try to command your dick, knowing it an impossibility. !...!...!..!!! You push as far into her as you can and let loose a tidal wave of sperm inside Suzu. ! You can't stop cumming, you can feel Suzu's insides filling up with excess semen. ... Finally, your dick stops throbbing and you let out a big sigh. You keep your dick inside her for a couple minutes to bask in the afterglow, but eventually pop it out. ...Sperm begins to leak out of Suzu in copious amounts. Man... She's gonna get pregnant from this for sure... You wipe off Suzu's pussy as best you can. It's bright red now, she's probably gonna be soar when she wakes up!

837

The cold air sends a strange signal down still exposed penis. Oh dear... ...You're getting hard again, but it's... painful this time. ... Well, she IS still asleep, and nobody's come looking for either of you yet. You pick up Suzu, sit down in her chair, and place her on top of you, ass facing your chest. She clutches the back of the chair like a pillow and grabs on. You begin to prod Suzu as you push her ass downwards towards you. ! It goes in yet again! "A-AH!", Suzu yells all of a sudden. ! AH OH! Suzu's finally woken upSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! She turns around to see you, sticking your dick beneath her exposed ass. With a half awake face, she turns back and looks below her blouse, examining the penis inside. "Am I... being raped?", she half-hearteningly asks. "...", you don't respond! The sudden excitement of being discovered sends a unwelcome amount of adrenaline into your blood stream and suddenly you begin pounding into Suzu's pussy faster and faster. "I am... being raped... aren't I-", Suzu blurts out without care as she looks down and closes her eyes.

838

? She goes right back asleep! "N-NYO-HO-HO! NEARLY DODGED THAT BULLE-" !...!...!....!!!! You painfully ejaculate more sperm inside Suzu's pussy. It begins to leak out onto the chair, smelling even stronger than the first batch of cum. ... "...Ah man, I am so fucked up" ...The next day... "HEY SUZU! Boy, you're not looking very well today-", you greet Suzu before class starts. "...I think I might just take a sick day...", Suzu explains as she sighs and tiredly walks past you. ...She's carrying a bag of ice... "Wonder if she even remembers waking up... Ah, probably not. NYO-HO-HO~" Suzu stops mid-way, turns around, and walks back towards you. "Eh?", you greet her yet again. "Hisao, next time you decide to fuck me, wear a condom", Suzu remarks and turns around yet again. ... "Well, shit"

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One More Time

You jump up in the air and hit a ? box, a feather flies out and grants you the power of flight. You become the hero Gotham deserves and fly up to the art room, gliding through the open window Rin always lays on. "RIN! RINRINRINRINRINRINRIN! I JUST HAD THE MOST FANTASTIC FUCKING IDEA EVER!", you yell out, excitedly. ? Rin doesn't appear to be in here? ...No... She's here... "RIN! QUIT HIDING FROM ME AND COME OUT!", you yell dramatic-like. You rip apart the Art Room, destroying priceless pieces of art made by the students and completely wrecking the room. Huh, I guess she really wasn't here. Oh well! You trot out into the hallway, begin running toward the back, backflip as soon as you hit the appropriate momentum, and slide across the floor, knocking people out of your path as if they were bowling pins. "IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA!", you chant out loud so you won't forget! You reach the rooftop finally, and spot Emi and Rin having lunch together. "EMI! RIN! WHAT CRAZY FREAKING LUCK!" You surf through the air and land in front of them like a star gymnast. "Well, you certainly are chipper today. What, finally get that heart replacement?", Rin, the female Rin this time, asks while sipping a punch pouch. "BETTER" "You finally finished your pringles Eiffel Tower!?", Emi asks while matching your level of excitement.

840

"EVEN BETTER- But thanks for reminding me that I haven't finished that. Now i'm, depressed" "You simultaneously grew a vagina?", Rin asks half-heartingly. "EVEN BET- What" "So many doujins about girls growing dicks I figured it's about time boys grew vaginas" "You frighten me, sometimes" "So what is your brilliant scheme this time?" You take out a thick roll of duct tape. "...S and M?", Rin asks while scratching her skull with her little toes. "Educated guess, but think of things like this. You Emi, have a pair of arms" Emi nods her head. "And you, Rin, have a great pair of Legs" Rin nods her head. "So I marathoned a bunch of Voltron reruns while I was snorting ground cheetos and it suddenly dawned on me" ... "...But I seem to have forgotten what it was..." "Well, it looks like it involves Rin's legs and my arms! ...And Duck tape?", Emi tries to put the pieces together. You snap your fingers. "Yeah, right, 'that'. I'm gonna strap you on Rin's back, where's you'll become her arms and she'll become your legs. Together, you'll form Crippletron and go on grand adventures-" "I'm gonna stop you right there, Hisao. This sounds completely... silly", Rin interjects. "Silly?"

841

"Even for you, I mean. Are you really that bored that you think tying me and twinklenotoes together is gonna end in any of outcome that isn't complete and total failure?" "..." "..." "Yes" You pick up Emi"HEY!" And slap her to Rin's back. After a few seconds of ringing the tape around the two"VIOLA!" Emi is tied to Rin's back, rather than looking like a set of arms she looks more like a hunchback, added to that, neither look very amused by any of this. "Wow, this WAS a terrible idea", you come to a direct conclusion. "GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!", Emi squirms behind Rin. "Hisao, are you done now?", Rin jectinters. "Yeah, I guess so. Wanna go grab a burger or something?", you ask politely. "Why, that sounds lovely", Rin responds with a deadpan smile. The three of you exit the rooftop, with Emi still tied to Rin's back, protesting the entire way. "KENJI, TAKASHI, TARO! MY TRUSTED TRIO OF MALES I CALL FRIENDS, I COME AT YOU WITH A QUERY!", you announce after gathering your team of trustees. "YOU TOLD ME WE WERE GOING TO SUBWAY", Kenji shouts out. "FUCK SUBWAY, THIS IS SERIOUS, AND IT INVOLVES A POTENTIAL FEMALE CONSPIRATOR!", you explain to keep Kenji interested. "...", he backs the fuck down, and steals Takashi's lunch to sate his hunger. "DUHH, WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT", Taro asks while gorging himself in his huge

842

stack of junk food her carrier around with him, sometimes. "THIS INVOLVES... THAT ONE NEW STUDENT WITH THE WHITE HAIR, YOU KNOW, RIKA KATA... UH... I DON'T REMEMBER HER LAST NAME, KATA SOMETHING. KATAWATALATAGATA... THAT STALKER BITCH!" "Rika...? What's wrong with her?", Takashi plainly asks. "What ISN'T wrong with her? She follows me around, makes me five star home cooked food, does my homework for me, shows me her boobies every time I'm depressed, ENTERS MY ROOM WITHOUT MY CONSENT... To take care of me when I'm in poor health. REALLY SICK SHIT, SHE HAS TO GO" ... The group looks at you with fists made of ham. Wait, what does ham fisted mean... ..Google says 'Informal lacking dexterity or elegance; clumsy'. I guess that works, yeah, they look at you ham fisted. "WHAT'S WRONG?", you ask your trustees. "The girl sounds... like she just likes you, dude", Takashi bluntly states. "SAY WHAAAAT?" "UH... YEAH, she sounds like she really digs you", Taro joins in. "YOU TOO!?" "WELL, I CERTAINLY DON'T THINK SO. THAT BITCH RIKA KNEE'D ME IN THE FACE!", Kenji interjects. ... "...But goddamn, does she sound like the perfect girlfriend" "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?" "Hisao, sounds to me like you have yourself a Yandere admirer", Kenji explains as best he can.

843

"YAWN...DAIRY?", what is this word, you don't even. The group explains what a Yandere girl is. "OOOOOH... So that's what that is" "You've never heard... of a Yandere before?", Takashi asks with concern. "Atleast I can hear using both my EARS, cunt jammer." ! You see Rika peeking her head at you from behind a nearby tree. "...Jiiiiiiii~" "AH! TH-THERE SHE IS!", you point to the tree behind the fellas. They all turn around to see nothing. "There's who? Rika? I can't see shit, Captain", Kenji remarks. "I'M TELLING YOU, FUCKFACES, SHE WAS RIGHT THERE!" ! You turn around to see Rika peeking at you from the school doorway. "Jiiiiiiii~", she stares but I typed Jii because that's the sound yandere's make when they stare at something that potentially gets stabbed later. ...That's not foreshadowing, I swear. "H-HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET ALL THE WAY OVER THERE!?", you yell out, finding your mind then losing it again. The fellas actually see her this time. "So a girl IS following you around, that's pretty weird", Takashi interludes. "Why is she just standing there, hiding behind the doors...?", Taro adds. "She's probably just shy! She wants to see Hisao so badly but she can't because we're here too", Takashi explains.

844

"OI! ALBINO! COME OUT HERE AND COME SEE YOUR BOYFRIEND!", Kenji shouts at the door threateningly. You bitch slap Kenji so hard you skyrocket him through the nearby tree. "Ah... I see what's going on now!", Takashi says while banging his fist into his hand, like a revelation coming into fruition. "WHAT!?", you shoot the one-eared bitch boy an ugly look. "H-HA HA... It's just that, you're always so up front with everyone, you must be weak against someone being so up front with you-" "WHAAAAAT!?" "Hisao and Rika sitting in a tree, K-I-S-... Uh... something something engy", Taro tries his best to keep up while snapping into a slim jim. "Come on Taro, let's leave Hisao alone so he can actually reconcile with his Yandere!", Takashi cheerfully points out while attempting to drag Taro away, but failing, because Taro is a fat bellied fuck. "I wish I had a Yandere girlfriend...", Taro tell Takashi as he sighs and leaves with him. "Me too, buddy", Takashi pats him on the back. "N-NO! DON'T LEAVE ME!" The three disappear from sight. "STOP DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO!" ! You feel a shadowy presence quietly creep up behind you. "...Jiiiiiii~...", Rika softly chants behind you. SHIT... SHIT! WHAT DO YOU DO, WHAT DO YOU DO!? "I-I HATE THIS!"

845

HE HATES THIS! "I HATE THIS!" HE HATES IT! "AAAAAHHHHHH!" While you don't have a bucket handy, you do have a water bottle handy. "TROUBLE ME NO LONGER, POLTERGEIST! HOLY WATER! HOLY WATER!", you throw your water bottle at a very unsuspecting Rika. ! It collides against Rika, splashing across her school uniform, causing minimum damage but taking her aback from sudden shock. The water splashes across the top part of Rika's body, her hair soaks up a good portion of the water, making her wet bangs hang over her eyes and surely clouding her vision. ... A couple minutes of awkward silence pass as Rika remains as still as a scarescrow, tilting her head downwards as the water begins dripping from her skirt and bangs. "Hah... You're not uh... Melting" "...", Rika remains silent. "H-Haha... Purple underwear? It uh... suits you", you try to break the ice as Rika's underwear casually bleeds through her wet uniform. "...", Rika continues silently tilting her head downwards! But her crimson red eyes bleed through her hair with a frightening glow! She's been staring at you the entire time! Th-Those eyes! They're the eyes of a killer! Rika takes a step forward"AH!", you cover your face, expecting the incoming precise and cruel retaliation!

846

... But nothing happens? "Ah-ray?", you lower your arms and observe the scene. Rika calmly walks past you. "...", you silently watch Rika... ...As she bends down to pick up your water bottle. "You dropped this", Rika hands it back to you, her eyes still covered by hair dripping wet hair. "Uh... Thanks?" "You don't... Like me very much, do you?", Rika asks after handing you the bottle. ...Damn it, you can't very well say that. "I never said that, you're just uh... very..." "Annoying...?" "No. N-NO! You're just very..." "...Intruding?" "YEAH! THAT!" "But I try... to keep my distance...", Rika explains in a... quietly toned apathetic voice. "H-HA HA... (Shit, I guess she does, doesn't she?)" "I'll be a little bit more discreet, then", Rika explains, with her head still held down. "I don't WANT you to be a LITTLE more discreet, just stop following me around PERIOD!" "...Oh...", Rika holds her down down even further and clutches her fists. "I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT-", damn it, poor choice of words. "So you don't mind then...?", Rika asks, without breaking her disturbingly collected tone.

847

"Well, if you weren't so weird, maybe this wouldn't matter so much", you scratch your head as you try to articulate your thoughts without being too rude. "...Huh?", Rika suddenly picks up on those last batch of words. You cover your head up again, in anticipation for a incoming attack. "...I'm weird?", Rika tilts her head, "Am I weird...? I am weird... How am I weird...?", she asks in an unnervingly serious voice. "Well, this whole creepy little stalker thing you have going on for one. Normal girls don't follow guys around all day chanting 'JIIIIIIII~'" "...", Rika stares at you from under her bangs. "So we both had heart surgery, THAT I can understand, but we're still two completely different people. Stop following me, stop passing me those weird... 'gifts', just stop annoying me. Because frankly, you creep me out", you plainly state in front of Rika. "...I'm creepy too...", Rika repeats to herself. "And that. That right there. I just threw a water bottle at you, a full one at that, that's nearly akin to being struck with a baseball. Not only that, but you're soaking wet now as well. I'd expect some sort of negative response, but you're just standing there..." Rika hangs her head down again. ! You grab hold of Rika's shoulders. "And that's the thing I find the weirdest, LOOK me in the eyes when I'm talking to you. You keep staring at your feet or whatever you're doing and-" You tip Rika's head upwards so you can see her face. ! You see two extra streams of water joining the water dripping off Rika's hidden face. ... But that's... not water.

848

Rika appears to be crying... "I-I'm... sorry, that I'm... weird", she tries to convey while cracking mid-sentence. "H-Hey, I was just fooling about! Sure you can be kinda weird sometimes but that's a wave of cuteness all in it's own-" ! Rika slaps you across your face, leaving a bright red imprint, and turns around away from you. "...", Rika doesn't make say a word. "Wait a minute-" Rika looks back to you with her blood red eyes, now even more red than before... "I hate you", Rika mutters without remorse before turning her head back and running into the school building. ... .... ......Well, that's certainly a mood killer. Takashi and Taro walk up beside you after the fact. "Wow... That was terrible. You handled that just... terribly, Hisao" "I know, I feel pretty bad now" "HAHA, HISAO GOT HIT IN THE FACE", Taro laughs. You punch Taro in his fat face and knock him out. "I should... go after her", you think out loud. "I don't know man, girls tend to want to be alone after going all psycho on their boyfriend, they usually want a couple hour ice cream snake time where they stuff themselves-" "I'm NOT her boyfriend, were you not listening to a goddamn thing that was said?" Takashi points to his one ear.

849

"Right, sorry." You take a step toward the school. "She probably doesn't want to see you right now, Hisa-", Takashi tries to warn you. "I am Hisao Necktie, the greatest disabled person who ever lived. I will not retreat, beg, or quit." You walk, head held high, into the school building and attempt to locate Rika. ... Where the fuck would she go? She spends so much time stalking you, you don't ever see her hanging out in any one place. ! You can see small puddles of water across the floor, guess you'll just follow that. ? You follow the drips of water across the school halls, eventually they grow smaller and smaller... ...But it leads to a very clear path... "The roof" Surely, she's not going to kill herselfWait no, that's exactly what a Yandere would do. You quicken your pace and enter the rooftops. ... You don't see Rika. ! Did she already jump!?

850

Hmm... Are you too late? ... You don't call her name out, because you're afraid you won't get an answer. Carefully, You look off the rooftop and walk around the edge in case she really did jump. ...But you don't see a body, luckily. "RIKA!", you shout across the roof. ... Still no answer... Or is she just choosing not to answer you? Tsk. You can see her shadow outline behind the roof air conditioner. "I CAN SEE YOU, COME OUT" ...She doesn't appear to be budging. You walk over to the opposite end of the metal box and sit down next to Rika. "Yo", you greet her as she sits motionlessly. "...", Rika's head doesn't move, but you can see her eyes gleaming at you from behind her bangs. "Still not talking to me?" "...Go away", Rika responds in a cold voice. "And leave you all alone up here? It's chilly and not to mention noisy. No, I think I'll stay next to you. In fact-" You scoot a couple inches toward Rika. ...But she responds by scooting a couple inches away from you. So you respond by scooting even closer-But she responds by scooting further away, until-

851

"Hah, Run out of space?", you cooly add. Rika silently gets up, walks over to wear you were originally sitting, and sits back down. "...Coooold" "...", Rika doesn't respond. You get up yourself, walk over in front of Rika, and kneel down. "I'm sorry if I said something stupid and hurt your feelings, here, say or do anything to me. Anything. I mean it. You want me to do something? I'll do it" "I want you to go away", Rika blurts out. "Except that" "...", Rika bites her lip in frustration. "Hey hey, you keep on doing that, you're gonna bust your lip open-", you attempt to push Rika's lip away from her canines. ! She sinks her teeth into your finger. "OW OW OW OW OW!", you shake your finger and inadvertently Rika's head. "...!", she immediately lets go and tends to your finger as soon as Rika sees she drew blood. "...? Ah, so the only way to get through to you is if I hurt myself, huh?", you come to a drastic conclusion. "No, Hisao, I just don't-" ! You punch yourself in the face as hard as you can, making sure to bust your own lip open with your knuckles. "H-HISAO?" "ARRRRGGGGHHH", you head-butt the metal casing around the air conditioner, blood begins gashing from your forehead.

852

"H-HEY! STOP!", Rika suddenly gets up and shows a little bit on that yandere care. "HAH.. HAH... YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?" You elbow yourself in the leg so hard, you collapse to the gravel in pain. "FUCK YOU, LEG" ...You pretend to pass out from the self-inflicted pain. ! Rika rushes to you in a panic, using her blouse to wipe off the blood gashing from your forehead...You creep your eyelid open just a little bit, to see if Rika's face is in clear view. ...It finally is... "...Oh hey", you pretend to come to after a couple minutes. "!", Rika suddenly looks to you with sudden shock. "You're face is pretty cute now that I've gotten a closer look" "...", Rika blankly stares at you for a little.. ah.. while. "Hey... You forgive me now?" Rika kneels next to you, still shocked by the comment about her face. "Cause I'd really hate to have to kick my own ass again" ! Rika suddenly lowers herself and gives you the most awkward hug you've ever received. ... Bet eh, a hug's a hug. "...That's a yes, right? I can't tell, I think I might have brain damage" "...", Rika continues to hug you.

853

... "Haha... Alright", you tap the back of Rika's... well... back to signal her to stop. ... But she's still hugging you. "You're not... stopping any time soon, are you?" Rika shakes her head in disagreement. "Yeah, I thought so" You take off your necktie, tie it around the gash in your forehead, and slip on a pair of shades. "Goddamn, I'm smooth" You feel a bright yellow and purple bruise forming on your leg. "...And tenderized" But they still didn't stop Rin from dying of crotch rot two months later. The end.

854

The Return of Broujo

"Hah... Hah.." Rin's panting lips express her body's lack of remaining strength. Each thrust makes a lewder and lewder noise, Rin' finally sticks her tongue out to let the excess saliva drip across the wall. "Hah... H-....Hisao... why are we...", Rin tries to form a complete sentence despite the jackhammering currently ensuing. "Why are we...?" "....Fucking in a garbage can?", Rin suddenly snaps to. The scene pans out, showing the both of you standing in a garbage can behind the school building, butt naked. "Because" "Because?" "It's...It's... Sooooo funny", you explain while continuing your descent inside Rin's pussy. "...Fucking me in a bin?" "Fucking Rin in a bin made of tin before I fin inside her din so I can win!", you sing out while plowing into Rin's din. "...You're not.. Wearing a condom, are you?", Rin comes to a quick conclusion. "A-nope" "A monkey without a banana peel is likely to cause little monkeys to emerge from his gross misuse of monkey business", Rin plainly states, not plainly enough though. You haven't a clue what she said. "Fuck Monkeys! I'm planning on impregnating every girl at school today anyway" "Hah-... How do you plan on... doing that?", Rin asks while looking over her shoulder. "I put a little something something in the cafeteria's drink system, took me all night, but a plan's a plan", you chuckle to yourself as you just about reach your climax. "So that's why I wanted to have sex with you...", Rin apathetically pathetically paths.

855

"Nope, you make your own lunch, remember? You're just a slut!" Rin scoffs at your comment as if it left a bad taste in her mouth. ! You shoot a load of hyper juice inside Rin, enough to make sure she has octuplets. "HNG!", Rin bites her lip in response. "And with that begins the day of a thousand cumshots! Vagina's everywhere will leak uncontrollably until I feel them in with my hole-filler. I will give the women of this school my sperm! First them, then the country, and then, THE WORLD! Let the rape-ah-pull-ooza COMMENCE!", you boast while cackling like a villain. "Uh... Hisao?", Rin nudges at you. "NAH-KNEE?" ? The school wall seems to be a little further away than you thought? No... It appears to be moving? You look below Rin's tits! Emi and most of the girl's disabled track team are carrying the bin with the both of you inside away from the school grounds. "Emi?" "Hiya, Hisao!" The girls drop the bin and begin flocking around you, looking down, you can see their gym shorts are soaking wet"Oh wow, I thought the drug had another hour before it took effect!", you fondle your eyebrows like you wore a pair of glasses.

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"Hisao~", Emi begins tugging at your arm playfully. "SILENCE WOMAN, STRIP TO YOUR SKIN AND LET THE ORGY COMMENCE" You move the earth beneath you, swing gently to the side, and put the earth back into it's originally spot while you land safely out of the bin... Emi and Rin push through the group of horny disabled gym girls and both kneel down in front of you, making a POMF sound as their knees touch the ground. You swing dick around, like a venomous cobra, spraying the girls around with excess semen and precum from before. Emi takes a hold of your dick and begins cleaning your sperm covered penis with her mouth, occasionally passing it to Rin, but Emi's a cock hogger. ...They begin to fight each other for the right to suck your cock. "GIRLS! GIRLS! THERE'S ENOUGH OF MY DICK TO GO AROUND!" "HAH!", Rin suddenly moans out. One of the gym girls behind her sinks her mouth into Rin's private, an begins tongue bathing her. The semen still inside Rin begins leaking out, the girl's doing their best to drink it up as it seeps out! ! Emi suddenly begins deep throating you! ...UGH! YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPEL YOUR HOLY JUICE A SECOND TIMEONLY IN MUCH STRONGER FORCE! The girls around you shove their heads in, shoving their tongues out during, each trying to receive a taste of your power! Like a string of succulent succubi, their desire for your cock is unquenchable! ! A space ship from outer space suddenly flies out of the sky above you.

857

"WAKALAKA, THIS IS AN ALIEN INVASION! WE ARE THE REPUBLIC OF FRANCE! WE WILL CRUMPLE YOUR PUNY GOV-ER-MYENT WITH OUR BAGUETTES AND SOPHISTICATION!-" "ARGH! OH GOD EMI, I'M ABOUT TO JIZZ WITH THE FORCE AND POWER EQUAL TO OR LESSER THAN A THOUSAND SUNS!", you swing your hips from side to side. "WHAT ARE ZU DOING!?", the alien spacecraft shines a beam of light at you, illuminating your epic blowjob. The sexual energy emanating from the horny girls around you begins to build up in your hammer of justice, making it glow with an awesome power. ....And it's shining glow tells you to shoot victory! You clutch your fists and control the raging beast inside you. Then with your manly lungs, you scream to the heavens"....SPIRIT BOMB!", you roar as you slip your penis away from Emi's lips. ! A stream of super hyper energy shoots through the spacecraft in the sky, penetrating the semi-nuclear core inside, and spiraling it into outer space, when it explodes into a fine mess of terrible movies and French fries. Your semen traps the leader into a thin glass shaped prison like in that 'Superman' movie and sends him spiraling into the deepest corners of space. "Wow Hisao, that was incredible!-", Emi points out. You shove her head back onto your dick forcefully. "Who said you could stop?" After putting inside every girl on the track team and dunking her insides with your DNA, you slip your clothes back on and pimp strut back into the building. The girls behind you crawling on the ground with your ultra spillage slowly leaking out, cry for you to stay and spoon with them. But nay, you have more important matters to attend to....! The almighty conquest continues! But all that french food that fell from the sky afterwards left you with a hunger...

858

...A hunger for something... Cooked. You phase your body through the library door, dick in hand, and load up your ammunition... Yuuko drops the book she's reading as she notices you entered. "Hisao, I thought I told you the Library's off-", Yuuko stops as she stares at your exposed dick. You put on your rape face. After a few minutes of pumping Yuuko behind the library desk, you check out a book on Female Ninja's and read it while you finish inside Yuuko repeatedly. "AH HAH... SO THAT'S HOW HANAKO DOES IT!", you've learned because learning is fun! Except when it's in school. You moonwalk out of the library room, leaving Yuuko covered in semen, and refill your ammunition with a snickers bar and powerade. Hanako wasn't in the library, so she must be in the tea room... You open the library door cautiously... Lilly is sitting in her chair, sipping her usual cup of coffee... And Hanako! A bucket of water suddenly falls on top of your head. Hanako comes out of the corner laughing. "SNRK! BWAHAHA! I FINALLY G-GOT YOU, HISAO!-" Hanako stops laughing as soon as she sees your dick in hand. "W-WAH!", Hanako tries one of her Ninja vanish techniques-You her leg before she disappears and slam her into the team room table.

859

"IT'S NECKTIE TIME" "N-NO HISAO! N-N-NO!", Hanako waves her hands about in protest. You rip off Hanako's pantyhose and catch the ninja stare that comes flying out of her crotch. "Ha HA! Now there's just the matter of the poison you hide inside your pussy... I shouldn't handle or suck them out or I'll risk infection-" Lilly sinks her vampire teeth into your shoulder! Only realize your shoulder is covered in plastered together House MD DVD's. "Now a VAMPIRE on the other hand!" You latch onto the back of Lilly's hair and push her face into Hanako's pussy. "...", Lilly stares blankly at what's in front of her... Course she kinda does that with everything. "Don't just stare at it, eat it~", you whisper into Lilly's ear as you peel her white pantyhose down. "Ara ara, looks like I don't have a choice!", Lilly innocently explains to Hanako. Lilly sinks her supple lips into Hanako's girlyhood, and begins drinking out whatever poison was inside. You finally remove Lilly's panties, you've anticipated this for quiet awhile! ! You peel Lilly's vaginal lips apart and see her vagina has TEETH. "AH, VAGINAL DENTATA, MY OLD NEMESIS", you remark despite this being the first time you've encountered them. "What are you waiting for, Hisao? Why don't you be a good little boy and stick your penis inside me?", Lilly provokes you while swinging her hips from side-to-side. In one, fluid motion, you TOOOOH~ your phallic symbol of god-hood, hardening it to a near diamond-like alloy, and enter Lilly in one big thrust. The teeth inside her vagina chip when they attempt to eat your shaft.

860

"AH!", Lilly clutches Hanako's legs as her virginity is taken forcefully. "NYO-HO-HO! MY DICK IS THE DICK OF GODS!! After a few moments of pumping, you successfully soak Hanako AND Lilly's pussies in thick cum! Neat! They stand before you, post coitus, the mess inside them leaking between their legs. "...Touche, Hisao, My good man. Touche.", Lilly congratulates you with a smile. "Ack... M-My... It stinks down there now.. L-Like bleach...", Hanako comments as she cleans her womanhood with a paper towel. "HALFWAY DONE AND MY DICK'S STILL RARING TO GO! GAHAHA, I'M INVINCIBLE!", you boast as you begin to walk away. "W-Wait, you had sex with someone else besides u-us?", Hanako asks sincerely. "Lots of girls, not but fifteen minutes before!" "Did you wear protection?", Lilly asks concerned. "HAHA! No..." "E-EW!", Hanako scrubs faster. "Oh my, I should really take a shower then", Lilly expresses. "GO DO THAT, I'M DONE WITH YOU, FOR NOW!" You run outside into the hallway, and begin running on the walls. The law of physics are for squares. It's time you finished this, once and for all! The girls all gather around the aerobic swimming area after a weird announcement was made... "Didn't the principal seem a little... young?", Emi's mom asks one of the female students as she comes in to inspect the place.

861

"...!" "And why did he say all the female students had to come? What about the rest!? Wahaha! Must be some sort of check-up!", Misha translates for Shizune. ! Miki collapses on the floor suddenly. "...?" "M-Miichan, what's wrong!?" "M-My private parts... They feel like they're on f-fire!", Miki explains while waving her handless arm around in a panic. "...I'm starting to feel it too, dude", Suzu comments from out of the blue as pussy juice begins to unexpectedly leak down Suzu's legs in plain view. "W-What's happening to us!?", Emi's mom holds her hand over her mouth as she feels herself becoming dizzy and loose in all the appropriated places. "WAHAHA! Softies! I've been doing that all day!", Misha comments. ! The ground shakes. "...!?", Shizune signs as she falls to the ground. "W-What was that!? An Earthquake?", Misha continues translating. ! The ground shakes again. "What the hell is going on!? Where's the Principal?!", Emi's mother begins to fear for the safety of the students... and herself. "Oh hey guys, you're here too?", Rin interupts everyone's panicking while she and the rest of the track team come inside. "JUST WHERE THE FUCK WHERE YOU!?", Miki yells dramatically. The girls point downwards at their crotch, sticky from the sex they received earlier.

862

"We came to take a shower but why is everyone else here?", a random armless student asks. ! A Bro-ntosaurus suddenly crashes it's head through the ceiling while random explosions and fireworks fire out in the background. ...You're standing on top of the dinosaur's head with a rape face the likes of which the world has never seen. You gaze out into the mobs of horny school girls and Emi's mother, who are not only gazing at the spectacular sight behind you, but are also simultaneousally breaking down at the sight of your erect dick. "One dick for so many... My strength... My heart..." You close your eyes and take a step forward. "...I am the boner of my pants" ! Some disabled girls begin undressing and running toward you. "Steel is my shaft and fire is my semen" Shizune and Misha jump into the pool and begin swimming to you at mach speed. "I have created over a thousand used tissues..." You stare at Rin as Hanako and Lilly appear behind her. "Now known to Vaginas..." You leer to Emi. "...And pleasured Orally" The room begins to shake, not from the Dinosaur or the Explosions, but by the sheer strength of your libedo. "Have withstood pain to create many climaxes..." The power of a thousand orgies... at the palm of your hands...!

863

"...Yet. Those hands will never grope anything..." You raise your fist into the air. You need help of every fiery soul that beats within the internet to finish the incantation... You need the greatest Brofist the world.. Nay.. The Universe will ever see. Raise your fist to the sky, and let loose the fire that burns within your soul... AND LET WREAK HAVOC THE COCKS OF WAR! RAISE YOUR FIST TO THE SKY, AND BROFIST EVERY BRO AROUND THE WORLD! AS ONE, YOUR FIST WILL BE THE ONE TO BROFIST THE HEAVENS AND HELLS, UNITING ALL CONSCIOUSNESS INTO ONE BROTASTIC ENTITY FOR THE BRIEFEST MOST BROASTIC MOMENT EVER CONCEIVED! RAISE YOUR FIST TO THE SKY AND"UNLIMITED BRO WORKS!", you yell as the sky turns into a shining mess of sexual energy. Your dick glows yet again, only this time, the power comes from those around the world, the hopes and dreams of many people now lie in your ability to impregnate the hundreds before you. "I AM HISAO NECKTIE! DESTROYER OF CUNTS!" You jump off the Brontosaurus's back and land dick-first into the pool! Only your dick is repelling your body from the pool water! "GAHAHA! ONLY A COUPLE TYPES OF LIQUID ARE ALLOWED ON MY COCK TODAY!" Misha emerges from underneath the water and sinks her mouth onto your dick like a fishing lure. "THE FIRST HAS BEEN CHOSEN!" You turn the earth around and land safely on the aerobic center's floor with Misha still sucking onto your cock's head. "Wahaha! Sink your penis into this, Hiichan!", Misha proclaim as she shakes her butt in front of you.

864

Misha and Shizune suddenly transform into Godly Angels with 'Fly Away' blaring at full volume despite Shizune's inability to hear it. "CHALLENGE...", you shove your shining manhood into Misha, "ACCEPTED!" "T-THIS COCK!", Misha cries out. You begin thrusting into Misha as hordes of girls crowd around you. "I-IT'S SO WARM AND GOOD! WAHAHA, MY WHOLE BODY FEELS TINGLY!", Misha ahegao's. "HAAAAAH!", you shoot a load of pretty glowing and sparkling semen into Misha. "AAAHHHHHHH~", Misha climaxes many times as the goo fills her. "RAAAAH!", you roar as you rush into the next Shizune who waves her hands as she desperately tries to sign language, but you silence the deaf girl with your dick. Times passes... Days become Weeks... Weeks become Months... Months become Years... ...But then time reverse itself as you finally finish ejaculating into the last student. You successfully filled every girl that came across your path, impregnating the entire school and fulfilling your role as the biggest Alpha Male in the Universe. Girls who weren't even at that school were impregnated within a 40 mile radius. You collapse atop a leaking Lilly, as her chest make an excellent pillow, and various girls crowd around you and try to pick out a piece of you to cuddle with. "And that, is h-how you were made, Sakatoshi", MILF Hanako explains to a black haired kid that looks just like you in the face department. "That was my dad? Where is he now?", the boy asks with glee. Hanako points up to the stars in the sky, they appear to be forming a fist-shaped constellation.

865

"Watching over you, remember, even if there is no God or Buddha, you still have your 'bros'", MILF Hanako explains to the boy as your words, that were engraved into the heart of every soul whether they know it or not, exit her mouth. "...But then, what happened to the first girl Dad had sex with?" "Breast cancer, your father set out to bring her back with the power of the philosophers stone but returned saying 'No wait, this is totally gay, I'm gonna go turn my fist into a constellation, smell you later, losers'"

866

Counter-Stalking Yuri
You cheerfully skip along the school hallway, taking care to miss the cracks on the floor tiles. "GODDAMN, I'M THIRSTIER THAN A DOLPHIN BEING MOLESTED BY A GORILLA IN A Zoo... That... didn't really hold together too great" You pause and take a sip out of the hallway fountain inside the school, but stop when you remember a lot of people put their mouths on the water's entrance. "FUCK YOU, GERMS!", you give the fountain the middle finger before trotting off! T-THIS UNEASY FEELING! "Jiiiiiii~", you hear behind you. "Rika, I swear to god, if I turn around and you're there-", you turn around AND THERE'S RIKA! "DAMN IT RIKA, DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME!?", you scream at the albino stalker. "...I did, you didn't finish your sentence", Rika calmly states. "YEAH WELL... I wasn't actually sure what I'd do", you scratch your head. Man, you're having an off day. "...", Rika motionless watches you. "...", you watch Rika back. "..." "...!" "...Jiiiiii~" "WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT!?" "...Alright" ...Awkward silence fills the hallway.

867

"...Uh... So... I was gonna eat lunch on the roof! You wanna join me!?", you cheerfully ask the cheerless girl. "...Alright" You leer at Rika. "DON'T SAY '....Alright', SAY FUCK YEAH! NOW SAY IT, FUCK YEAH!" "...Fuck... Yes?", Rika mouths the words without any real emotion. "Ah, good enough" You chow down gleefully on a peanut butter, cheeto, jelly, poptart, and popcorn sandwich on the school rooftops with Rika sitting next to you. ...She doesn't appear to be eating anything. "OM NOMNOMNOM-... H-Hey, where's your lunch at?" "I didn't make one" "Well, Did you atleast eat earlier?" "...I had some crackers from yesterday's lunch...", Rika EXCITINGLY tells you with EXCITEMENT and GLEE. ... I'm being sarcastic, can you tell? No? Yes? I hope you can tell that I'm being sarcastic. Because I sometimes have to spell these things out. "NO GOOD! NO GOOD!" You place your hand around Rika's ear and pull out a Milky Way Bar with MAGIC. "HERE YA GO!", you drop the candy bar into Rika's palms. "...", Rika stares at the candy bar as if it was the last piece of food left on the planet. "...Rika?" "I'd like to save this for later", Rika stashes the candy bar.

868

"...You're a weird one, Rika" "That's been... established", Rika points out while her red eyes bleed crimson light. "Well hey, if you're not gonna eat that, will you atleast help me finish my Sandwich?" "H-Huh?", Rika tilts her head in perplexion. You chomp down onto one side of the sandwich and rip and dangle the other side to Rika. "SAY AAAAWWWW", you cheerfully exclaim. "...Ah...", Rika barely opens her mouth. You shove the sandwich into her lips, and watch her chew the food. ...She slowly swallows it finally, as if to savior every bite or something. "Y-You actually liked it!?", you ask Rika innocently. Rika tilts her head to you and smiles. "I loved it" "...Misao", Rika plainly states. "YO!", you cheer out for no reason. "You have some jelly on your lip", Rika doesn't even need to point, her eyes bleed the spot into your face. *Slurp* "Got it?" "Got it..." You take a good look at Rika. "Hey Rika" "...Misao?" "You have a little bit of that sandwich left on your lip as well!", you point to Rika and giggle softly.

869

Rika attempts to lick about her lips, but her efforts are in vain. "Did I get it?", Rika asks with a plain expression. "Nope!" Rika continues licking around her lips, then wiping them off intently. "How about now?" "AH AH!" "...", Rika attempts to get up. "No need for that! I'll get it for you~" "Get it... for me?" You close your face into Rika's, only a couple inches away, you come in uncomfortably close. "M-Misao-!?" You press your lips up against Rika, and stick your tongue inside her mouth. "...!". Rika's eyes widen in shock. You press away from Rika and give her a thumbs up. "GOT IT!" ! You feel something press against your inner thigh. "Ah-ray?", you peer downward at Rika's skirt. ? "Rika, that... Erm... Candy bar I gave you is sticking out" "Candy bar...?, Rika's eyes narrow, focusing her blood red color. "Yeah, it's poking me in the thigh- You know what, I'll just move it to the side for now-"

870

You reach down and attempt to pull the candy bar out? "Huh?" The bar feels... Warm and Soft but not... melty? No wait, you definitely feel some sort of liquid"OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE A DICK!?" "...", Rika stares right through you, her cheeks beginning to turn red. "W-WHEN DID YOU GROW A DICK!?", you yell as you shake Rika about. "I've... always had a dick", Rika calmly states. "S-So you're not a lesbian stalker per se... But you're also not a dude either- What are you?" "I'm... In love", Rika's eyes open disturbingly. "..." "..." "Well, alright!", you cheerfully push that fact aside. You place your arms around Rika and squeeze the life out of her. "YOU. ARE. SO. ADORABLE! Futa dick and all!" Rika narrows her eyes in confusion. "...You're not quiet taking this the way I thought you would", Rika explains with the first perplexed look you've seen her express. "Well, How exactly DID you think I was gonna take you being a futa?" "More... Disgust I thought. Some people call me a freak", Rika looks to the side as she speaks dramatically. "So? You're my girlfriend now!", you ring your arm around Rika and bring her head close to yours.

871

"...W-What?" "You ate my sandwich and actually LIKED it, from now on, you's mah girlfriend, girlfriend!" You raise your fist up, signalling Rika to bump it. "...?", Rika looks back and forth trying to understand your mannerism. "GIRLFRIEND FIST!", you cheerfully cheer. You take Rika's fist and bump it against your own. "Now we're TRUE Girlfriends" "I wanna see it! I wanna see it!", you joyfully ask Rika. "...", Rika stands up, blushing uncontrollably, and lifts up her skirt. The futa-cock is angled against her belly, using her panty-line to hold it up. "...I take it you're still a virgin, riiiight?", you deviously ask Rika. "I've never had sex before, no-" "What did you want to do to me?", you hold your head up with your hand. "Excuse me?", Rika's eyes widen. "You follow me around school all the time going 'JII! JII! JII! JII! BABY BABY', I'm guessing you liked me quiet a bit~" "...", Rika turns away, embarrassed. "What were you thinking about during that? Kissing? How I looked naked? What my 'OH!' face looked like?" "...I was just thinking about how to say hi..", Rika innocently and silently states. You swing your arms around the back of Rika, and squeeze her from behind. "MY GOD, YOU'RE THE CUTEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!" "Misao, please stop...", Rika's cheeks now match her eyes.

872

You begin to roll your chin on Rika's shoulder. "We're going to fuuu~uuck ", you sing into Rika's ear. Rika loses control of her legs at your comment and tumbles to the ground. "F-Fuck...?", Rika begins to breathe heavily as she mentions the word. You kneel down to Rika and stick your hand underneath her skirt. "...Good! It's still there, you won't be needing these~" You peel down Rika's underwear but can't seem to get the off entirely, Rika appears to be bending her legs out in separate directions. You flip her skirt up and lay down next to her, resting your head on Rika's leg. "...I see you still have a pussy, so I guess you are a girl still! And what pretty white pubes you got~", you ecstatically tell Rika. "...", Rika appears to be covered her face in her hands, embarrassed out of her mind.. You take a good look at Rika's flaccid futa-cock, and poke at it. "Poke~ Poke~ ", you delightfully sing out. Rika's legs finally relax, so you remove her panties entirely, and lay down between her legs. You playfully ruffle her small amount of pretty white pubes, as they glitter fondly from the sun's light. "Hey, Rika!", you wave to her. ...She cracks open her fingers to peer through her hands (Which are still hiding her face). "Want me to suck your dick?" "...", Rika looks to the side, "N-No..." "Whaaaat? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you!" "I said, no", Rika returns emotionlessly. "Suck it dry? On it, chief!", you ignore Rika completely.

873

! NOM! Misao chomps down on Rika's futa dick with gusto. "H-HAH! STOP STOP!", Rika begins to panic and tries to push your head off her dick. "WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, I'M GONNA SUCK THAT DICK!" Misao presses her lips against the head of Rika's dick and gently kisses away. "*Slurp*... *Slurp*... H-Hey, Rika", Misao stops and strokes Rika's futa cock. "...What?", Rika returns, not so emotionally crippled. "Can you... Cum?", you imitate a semen shooting noise. Rika nods her head. "...Does that mean you could... Uh... If I stick this inside-... Erm...Would you wear a condom or is your sperm basically just white goo?" "I-I don't know, I don't think I could get you preg-" "Good enough for me! I'm a bareback girl through and through!", you gleefully proclaim. "W-Wait about diseases-" "Do you have any?" "Not that I... Know of?" "Then, no condom" You peel off your own panties... and spats... and pantyhose... and socksNO! The socks stay on, with the uniform. ... "I wonder...", you think out loud and stop stroking Rika's dick.

874

"Is it something perverse?", Rika asks, returning to her normal emotionless state. "Very much!" Misao slides her tongue down Rika's shaft until she meets the top section of Rika's vagina. "HAH!", Rika grasps your hair as you tongue meets her clit. "Experimento done!", you proclaim while getting up. Rika looks up at you in confusion. "Stick your tongue out~" "...Like this?", Rika slowly slides her tongue out of her lipsYou move your head in and slide Rika's tongue into your lips, and begin sucking. "MMPPHH!?", she responds. "Like the taste of your own dick...?", you ask hoping for an answer. ! You feel something wet hit the top of your headA raindrop? It was sunny not but five minutes ago"Alright, foreplay's over, now I'm sticking it in!", you exclaim with fire in your eyes. Rika shakes her head in response. "I-I feel like I'm about to explode", Rika clutches her futa-dick, trying to hold it in. "See, that's the thing I was hoping to hear-" You position yourself cow-girl atop of Rika, the wet tip of her dick prodding against your more-than-ready womanhood. "-I'm gonna jam it in, now, M'kay?", you state despite the uncertainty creeping in the back of your head. Misao lowers herself, slowly her pussy begins to consume Rika's futa-dick head...

875

"!", Rika bites her lip in response. Slowly and slowly, a couple centimeters carefully enter, until you let yourself thrust your hips forward, taking more than half of Rika's dick. "Y-You're eating me...! ", A stream of saliva begins to run out Rika's lips, pervertedly. You bend down to unbutton Rika's blouse and peel her bra downwards. You proceed to kiss Rika's right tit, then proceed to suck on it"BLAH", you stick out your tongue. Nipples taste weird! ...But there's something about Rika's pale exterior that drives you wild so you press your lips on her tit one more time and suck to your heart's content. "T-That tickles...!", Rika states while trying to push you away. "Just a little bit longer!", you begin to thrust your hips harder onto Rika. The sky begins to rain, sprinkle really, just enough to soak the both of you and make your clothes stick to the surface. "...!", Rika begins to rock her hips slowly to your bombardment. The rain is extra cold, making the extra parts of both your bodies EXTRA sensitive. ! "...", she silently continues. "J-Just a little longer...!" "I CAN'T!", Rika shouts. "A-ALRIGHT! LET IT ALL OUT!", you grasp Rika's sides in anticipation. ! Misao isn't supposed to feel the semen shooting inside her, but she can certainly feel Rika's cum spilling out.

876

Watch her pussy fill with thick sperm makes Misao rock her hips a couple extra times to achieve that special orgasm all woman know and love. The pleasure of being cummed inside. You hold still, basking in the afterglow, Rika's face is fully panting, trying to catch her breath after the fact. You take it out, semen begins leaking between your legs, and plop down next to Rika, who's sitting against a roof conditioner. "Hah... Hah... How're feeling, Rika!?", you catch your breath and cheer/ask/chask. "... Unusual", Rika describes it. The rain begins to gently continue falling, washing around the mess from the intercourse. "Want to go inside...?", you turn to Rika. "...No", Rika responds. "Me neither...!" You scoot over and rub against Rika, her blouse is still unbuttoned and with it, her heart surgery scar is fully visible. "Because that was futastic!"

877

Courage the Cowardly Cripple

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOUTHE COURAGE: THE COWARDLY CRIPPLE SHOW, STARRING HISAO, THE COWARDLY CRIPPLE! A HEART SO RACIST IT'S A HATE CRIME, HE WAS FOUND BY YAMFUCKU HIGH, WHO'S LOCATION IS THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, WITH IT'S STUDENTS, A BUNCH OF DISABLED SCHOOL GIRLSBUT CREEPY STUFF HAPPENS IN NOWHERE... IT'S UP TO HISAO TO SAVE HIS NEW SCHOOLThe TV shuts off and very angry Shizune turns to you in her student council chair. "...!", she signs furiously. "STUPID HIICHAN! YOU MADE ME LOOK BAD!", Misha translated from afar. Shizune pulls out the scariest mask you've ever seen and puts it on. "...!" "OOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA!" "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "...!", Shizune signs in front of the class during a Student Council Announcement. "And THAT'S why sexual education is banned, WAHAHA! Any questions?", Misha translates for Shizune, in her own weird happy way. ... You raise your hand. "...!" "Yes! Hiichan?" "..BUT WHERE DOES COCK GO!?", you innocently ask with fake sincerity. !

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The intercom suddenly buzzes in and the Luchidor Principal's voice booms through dramatically. "WILL A MR. HISAO NECKTIE PLEASE COME TO THE NURSES OFFICE, BROTHER. OH YEEEEEAAAAHHHH", the principal announces. "Ah-rei?", you scratch your head in confusion and reluctantly get up. "Ooooh~ Maybe that means Hisao's finally gonna meat the Nurse's aid-", Miki, the one handed brown girl sings out. "Nurse's...Aid?" Miki slips on a devious smile and looks your way. "EH-HE-HE-HAH", Miki's face suddenly turns into a comically hideous cool face. "...Ohhhh....", you put on your nervous face and walk out the school room door. Nurse's Aid? Why would a Nurse's Aid want to see you? This is the first time you heard of any kind of Nurse's Aid... Well, maybe he works a different shift or somethingYou finally reach the Nurse's office in the medical wing. ...Something doesn't feel right, a looming aura of darkness and evil appears to be emitting from the Nurse's office. ... "Oooooh! I have a bad feeling about this! Or my name isn't Cockman Joe Johnson... And it's not" You turn around to exit"ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY BROTHER", the principal's voice suddenly booms through the hallway intercom. "OK OK, I'm going!", you half heartening shrug and enter the Nurse's Office. "H-Hello?", you ask as you creak open the door and walk into the Nurse's Office. "Yes... Yes... I'm coming...", a strangely apathetic sounding male voice rings out.

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A man wearing a black lab coat with dark red stains comes out from the back, carrying a box full of medication in front of him so it shields the top half of his body. His long black hair swings around as if it were trying to free itself from his scalp. He places the box on the wall opposite of you, and begins to open and unpack the contents. "You're Mr. Necktie... Would that be... correct?", the Nurse's Aid speaks in a calm but somehow sorrowful voice while turning his back to you. Huh? He doesn't seem too... weird. You nod your head in impulse in confirmation despite him not being able to see you doing it. "You'll have to speak up... I can heartly hear you", he remarks in a deafly depressing tone. "Uh... So, what did you want to see me about?", you ask while scratching your hair. "What did I want to see you about...? Heartly a social visit... Never quite is... I'm here to help you medically, that's what Nurses do...", he explains in a still depressed voice. ...What's this guy's problem? He turns around to face you and continue his speech"OOOOOHHHH!", you OOOOHHH in shock. The man's dark purple pupils are shaped like hearts!? T-THE CORNER OF HIS LIPS CURL AROUND AND FORM A HEART AS WELL!!! How is that possible!?"So I heard you had a problem with your heart.. Arrhythmia and the like..." "UH...UH...UHH...", you begin to shake as you figure out a way to answer that without drawing attention to his weird shaped pupils. "I once had a problem with MY heart too", he explains in a deep voice while nonchalantly begins to set out surgery tools on the counter next to him. "Y-You did?" "I did... So I took it out." The man takes out a still beating human heart from his pocket and squeezes it in front of

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your face. "...It was HEARTly worth having..." "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!", you turn 360 degrees and run away! You stumble out into the hallway and run back down the way you came in! You bulldoze over Kenji who came out of nowhere and knock him over"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU FOOL!", he screams out. You stumble at the end of the hallway and look backwards to see if you were being followed! H-He's slowly walking toward youON THE WALL!? No, he's not walking... He's... kinda just sliding along? ! Hundreds of spiders are crawling on the bottom of his shoes, moving in unison along the wall and towards you! "You should exercise more, Mr. Necktie... Your joints are HEARTening", he rings out in a still depressed tone while walking toward you on the wall. "K-KENJI, DO YOU SEE A GUY WITH HEART SHAPED... EVERYTHING WALKING ON THE WALL-" "...", Kenji looks back to you from the floor you knocked him down on with an annoyed look. "...Right..." You run out the doorway and slam the entrance shut behind you. That guy wants to take your heart out and examine it or something equally fatal! "OOOOHHHH, WHAT DO I DO!? WHAT DO I DO!?"

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You high tail it to the computer room and find a computer that's still on"I... AM... BEING STALKED... BY... A.. CRAZY NURSE... WHO... WANTS... MY... HEART... HELP HELP HELP!", you type frantically onto the computer. "...Processing...", a lethargic sounding voice comes from the speakers. "..." "..." "..." "....Avast Virus Database has been updated" "WHAT DO I DO!?", you yell while shaking the computer monitor violently. "OKAY! OKAY! No need to act like a savage, you twit. So a Nurse is after your heart, that should be a good thing. You're young and virile, she's probably open to a lot of things depending on her particular age group-" "THE...NURSE..IS...A....MAN!" "Oh... Well... As long as you have an open mind-" "HE...WANTS...TO...CUT OUT... MY...HEART!" "Oh, well, that's different", the computer rings out in a uninterested voice. "...", you tap your foot and cross your arms. "Well, have you tried telling him that you DON'T want to have your heart removed, you nissy?" "HE..DOESN'T...SEEM...TO BE.. IN.. A...RATIONAL-" "Have you tried calling the cops?" "...Uh..." "You really ARE a twit" You take out your cell phone and ring up the police, wasting precious minutes you could've saved for drunk ex-girlfriend dialing later.

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"911 Operator speaking, what appears to be the emergency?" "HELP! THIS CRAZY HEART STEALING NIGGA IS TRYING TO CUT OUT MY HEART AND HE WALKS ON WALLS WITH SPIDERS" "...This is Hisao Necktie, isn't it?" "...Hi, Betty..." "Next time you call, I'm reporting" The operator hangs up. ... "OOOOOOH! WHAT...ELSE...CAN...I...DO!?", you type into the computer again. "Well, how about calling for help or finding a weapon? Personally, I couldn't care less if you have your organs harvested on the black market, you twit", the computer computes. "...", you type in one of the spam sites you can't exit out of into the URL bar. "W-What are you doing?", the computer responds. "Good luck Control-Alt-Deleting yourself", you remark as you leave the room with Meatspin playing. "EW... EW...! GROSS! SOMEBODY? ANYBODY!? I HATE DEAD OR ALIVE!", the computer hopelessly screams out. Hisao... Oh... Hisao... I heard you saying some... HEARTful things about me just now...", you hear a voice suddenly creep up from behind you. You turn around... ...The area appears to be empty! The Heart Nurse's upside down face suddenly appears from above. ...? His hair appears to be moving about like it was the first time you saw him, as if it was trying to escape his scalp-

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"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!", you scream out upon realization. T-THAT'S NOT HUMAN HAIR! THOSE ARE THOUSANDS OF LITTLE SPIDERS CLUMPED TOGETHER ON THE TOP PART OF HIS HEAD! You twist your ankle turning around, like in most horror movies, and tumble to the ground. He flips down backwards from the ceiling and springs back up, cracking his back as he does so. "Hisao... I only wanted to help you with your... 'HEART' problem", the man depressing explains as he reaches into his coat pocket-But he pulls out a bottle of heart medicine and lowers it to you. ... "O-Oh", you reluctantly take the bottle of medicine from him. "What did you think I was trying to do?", he asks in sincerity. "..Haha... I don't know, cut out my heart or something. When you pulled that fake heart out before, it scared the baw-jesus out of me!", you try to put things into perspective. "Fake...?", he puts on a creepy smile. "...", you stare at him, gaging to see if he's kidding. "...", he peers down to the bottle of heart meds he gave you. ? You open the bottle to see if there's some gag you're not getting...A seagull appears to be inside the bottle... ...A full sized... Seagull...? ! NO! IT'S A CLUSTER OF SPIDERS THAT RESEMBLES A BIRD'S SHAPE"SPIDERRRRRRSSSS!", you scream as a swarm of eight legged freaks jump out and begin to

884

wrap you up in a thick web cocoon. Eventually, you lose consciousness. You wake up somewhere beneath the school. Why beneath? The background SCREAMS underground or sewerish or basementish. Believe yourself, you're an expert on going down. ! Millions of little spiders are crowding around you-...And you can't seem to move. Ah. You're still in that cocoon from earlier"Ooooh, you're finally awake, I hadn't the heart to do this to you in your sleep like other doctors", the Nurse's voice suddenly rings out from the mass of Spiders. "ROGER----...ROGGGGEEERRRR!", you hear a creepy sounding female voice ring out. "Uh... Nani, my honey?", the nurse responds to the ceilingCeiling? You look up"WHOA!" A giant black widow spider appears to be nestled from above. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!", you scream out making a silly face showing a tooth with a cavity in it. "Have you gotten his heart yet? I'm getting hungry...", the giant spider asks with creepy enthusiasm. "Doing it now... Carolyn", the man drones on as if he were married to the monster. "You know, the last doctor did this in five minutes flat", the spider sarcastically remarks.

885

"Let's not do this in front of the soon-to-be-heartless student, please. It's embarrassing", the man scratches his forehead. "You don't have to do this!", you recite that age-old line from memory because it always.... No wait, it never works. Why did you say that? "Afraid I do~ Carolyn LOVES the taste of human hearts, about the only thing she eats, really. I fell in love with her not but two years ago when I was a mangled mess of a man-", he begins monologuing. ! DAT action music begins to play, as you frantically try to free yourself as the nurse spouts on. The table in front of you has a rusty blood soaked sawYou try to raise your legs up and kick the table, spiraling the saw towards youS-SPIRALING THE SAW TOWARDS YOU!? "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" ! The saw swings past you and slices into the rock wall behind you, causing sparks to shoot off and ignite a fire below you on the dry, spider littered, ground. Flammable spiders, who would've thunk it? The fire catches to your web cocoon and burns it off without somehow actually burning yourself. "YES!", you shout out. "-And that's when I gave my own heart to her, dramatically proclaiming my love despite Carolyn being a little different from the-", the man turns around to see half the room on fire, "-Oh" "AAAAAHHHHHH! YOU IDIOT! HE'S ESCAPING! DO SOMETHING!", the giant spider yells out. "I'll stop him, honey!" he turns around with a scalpel in hand.

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You kick a group of on-fire spiders toward's the Nurse's face, igniting the spiders currently used for his hair and setting his face ablaze. "AHHHH, BURNING ALIVE!" "ROGER!", the spider screams out as she lowers herself. Oddly, the giant spider crawls over to the crazy nurse man and attempts to put on the fire with a couple dozen quick jabs. "AH! STOP CAROLYN, YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE!" "WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, YOU IDIOT!?", she screams back. You use this time to crawl outside the entrance in the back! You come out inside the Nurse's office from a ventilation entrance. ...But it's night outside. Just how long were you out? You run outside only to encounter millions of spiders crawling around the school grounds, hundreds of webbed cocoons littering the area. "OH NO...", you blurt out as you realize they're full of other students. ! The burned nurse walks out of the Nurse's office with charred eyebrows and reddened eyes. "I really wish you hadn't done that" "WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO!?", you yell out loud. ! A random spider swings into your mouth and startles you-...*Munch Munch*...

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It doesn't... Taste bad? "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM", you shovel a bunch of spider inside your mouth and chow down. These don't taste like regular spiders... T-They taste like"REESE'S PIECES!?", you yell out. You walk over to a random cocoon and taste the webbing! Cookies and Cream!? Hanako's face peeks out from within the cocoon and crawls out. "H-HISAO!?", she yelps out, glad to see a familiar face. "HANAKO... THE SPIDERS..." T-They scare me..." "NO HANAKO... THE SPIDERS... THEY..." "They... Wh-What?" "THEY TASTE LIKE CHOCOLATE" Withing minutes, the cocoons, the spiders, the webbing around the school was raped, humiliated, and devoured by Hanako and Hanako alone. "YES!", you shout out in happiness. "NOOO! NOOOOOOO!", you hear the spider queen's voice yell out as she emerges from the school's entrance. She sees the carnage around her, her children being eaten by a burn scarred girl, and her husband/boyfriend/creepy fetish friend standing by the hallway steaming. "W-WHAT DID YOU DO!?", she screams out.

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"Simple, I gave Hanako the chocolate", you flip out a pair of shades and slip them on... ...Only to fall apart as if they were horizontally sliced. "AH, Saw from before probably did that" "Y-YOU... FREAKS! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS! I'LL BE BACK! YOU HEAR ME!? I'LL BE BAAAAAACK!", she screams out as she takes a hold of the crazy heart nurse. "Carolyn..", the man whispers dramatically. "...Huh?", she turns to him slowly. "...Could you shade in my eye brows with a sharpey?", the man asks in a cheerful yet depressing voice. The giant spider and the crazy heart nurse slowly creep into the shadows and disappear. ... "W-What was that all about, Hisao?", a couple students behind you ask. "I'll be honest, I kinda lost track along the way" "W-Why did he sound so sad when he seemed happy?", Hanako asks seriously with chocolate smeared across her lips. "He didn't have a heart, Hanako. Well no, I take that back, it looks like his heart's carrying him off into the distance~", you put on a manly Kenshiro face and make a double entendre. ...A calm atmosphere envelops the scene as the story nears its endThe real nurse emerges from the school building. "Hey... Uh... Guys? Have you seen my... heart anywhere?", he asks with an empty socket in his chest. Everybody shrugs. "Ah oh well, I didn't need it anyway", he remarks before collapsing.

889

Fire Frenching, Gangbanging & An Unfunny Story

"Another cup of tea, Ms. Ikezawa?", Lilly politely asks Hanako with the -ZAWA... ZAWA!effect suddenly booming. "Y-Yes... please", Hanako replies casually as the tea kettle finds it's way to her cup with the power of magnets. Lilly sets the tea kettle aside and tips a sip of her steaming warm cup. "...Say...", Lilly lower her cup, "I wonder what Hisao is up to?" "H-Hisao?", Hanako's cup begins to shake violently. "I don't think he's come here in quite some time, is he doing something important right now?" "I-I don't think so..." "Hmm... How very strange..." Lilly daintily takes another sip from her tea cup! You suddenly crash through the floor tiling with half of your body stuck below. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", you scream at the top of your lungs. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", Hanako screams at the top of her lungs. "ARA ARAAAAAAAAAA!", Lilly screams at the top of her lungs with a pinky raised. "H-HISAO, ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?", Hanako asks while poking her head out from behind her chair. "...", you remain silent, as if you're concentrating heavily. "H-Hisao?", Hanako tilts her head. "..." "..."

890

"...White...", you blurt out. "H-Huh?" "White", you repeat yourself. "W-White? What are you talking about...-" ! Hanako tucks her skirt in between her legs. "Hisao, you P-P-PERVERT!", Hanako barks out as her tongue turns into a spiteful snake tongue. "Hisao, is that you?", Lilly takes out her blind stick of blindness and begins to poke around the floor. ! She begins poking you in the eyelid. "Stop that" "Is that you, Hisao?" "Lil-", she pokes you in the face again, "Please stop" "Why Hisao, whatever are you doing in the floor?", Lilly asks like a true lady. "Oh, didn't you hear? It's the latest thing- Would you please just help me out here?" After pulling yourself out of the hole in the floor that you made, you join the two for a cup of tea. "So. What exactly were you doing in the room below?", Lilly asks while pouring your cup. "Testing the durability of Misha's butt cheeks" "Eh!?" "Just messing with you, I'd be up on the rooftop if that were the case" "S-So why DID you burst through the floor-", Hanako tries to muster up the courage to ask you.

891

"Say, Lilly, this tea tastes a little different. Did you add a new ingredient or something?" "Yes, I tried adding some peppermint this time around, I thought I'd try something a little bit out of the ordinary" "It's delicious" "My my, I'm glad you enjoy it!" "G-Guys? The hole in the floor-" "Funny you should happen in on us at the particular moment, Mr. Necktie. We were JUST talking about you", Lilly switches the conversation. "Were you talking about my dick?" "Uh... No... No we were not" "Then you may continue" "You haven't visited the tea room in quite some time, we were wondering what it was you were up to?", Lilly tilts her head to the side, shaft-style. "Oh you know, saving the world, paying taxes, drinking alcohol and having unprotected sex with loose women-" "Hisao...", Lilly shoots you a worried jii. "I was spending time with Rin" "Ms. Tezuka, huh?", Lilly goes back to drinking her tea. "Does that make you jealous~?" "Oh a little bit!", Lilly gently cackles. Hanako shifts in her seat, as if she's uncomfortable. Lilly seems to notice this, despite not being able to see it. "Hey, Hisao?", Lilly speaks up. "A-Yo?" "Who would you think is the better kisser, me or Hanako?", Lilly blurts out.

892

"E-E-E-EH!?", Hanako stands up, with the visible half of her face turning liquid red. "Uh..." "Obviously, I'm the best kisser here, motherfuckers", you boast out while laughing maniacally. "Oh my!", Lilly laughs under her hand. "...", Hanako goes back to drinking from her own tea cup"And I'll prove it too, by kissing Hanako~", you point and smile. "H-H-H-Huh!? N-No you won't!", Hanako waves her hands in front of her face in protest. "I don't think that's such a great idea, Hisao-", Lilly lowers her eyebrows. "Open wide Hanako~", you move closer to the burn scarred girl. "N...N-No!", Hanako puts up her futile resistance. "It's happening, pucker up!", you cheer out. "...", Hanako secretly puckers her lips underneath the hands covering her face. ~ You pick up Hanako's tea cup and begin to sip from the spot Hanako herself drank from. "....Huh?", Hanako lowers her defenses. "Ta-da, indirect kiss", you raise your pinky's to mock gentlemen everywhere. Hanako shoots you a frustrated leer. "Deal with it, crispy", you spin around and pose with a troll face. Ah... Another boring day of average homeroom class. ! The school bell rings, telling you it's finally lunch time.

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"Man, I'm soooo hungry!", you say joyfully while collecting your effects. ...But you seem to be a little short on cash, it looks like a light lunch is the way for you. Oh wait! Maybe Hanako and Lilly are having some sort of prepared lunch! You hurry over to the esteemed tea room. The cold familiar door handle greets your hand and you open the door slowly while peeking inside. You spot Lilly sitting in her usual spot next to the tea room table. Lilly hears the door slowly creaking and focuses your way. You can tell she knows who you are by the warm smile she greets you with... But Hanako however, is nowhere to be found. "Hey Lilly", close the door behind you. "Oh... Salutations Hisao", Lilly gently waves to you though she was expecting someone else. "Where's Hanako?" "I... don't really know, I prepared lunch for the two of us this morning..." "Come to think of it, she wasn't at homeroom either, she could be back in her room, sick" "Oh my! Poor Hanako", Lilly exclaims with utmost concern. "I'm betting she's OK, we can always go check on her later-" ! Your stomach begins to growl embarrassingly. "...Ara ara, you're hungry aren't you, Hisao?", Lilly smiles. "Uh... Yeah...", you scratch the top of your head. "Well, seeing as how Hanako's more than likely not going to be joining us, would you care to join me?" "What do you got?", you just now notice the picnic basket next to Lilly's feet. "I made a lot of extra sandwiches since I thought I'd be dining with Hanako, and they'd go to waste if someone didn't eat them!", Lilly explains while feeling around the basket and latches onto the handle.

894

"Why, that sounds lovely", you respond in a warm voice. "Ara ara, then it's settled! Let's have lunch together!" "Are we eating here or are we eating on the roof?" "The roof, huh...? I would kind of like that, I don't remember ever eating up there before", Lilly thinks out loud to herself. "Alright then, the roof it is, I'll escort you there personally", you say while extending you hand to Lilly. Lilly extends her own hand, in a dignified gesture, and the two of you exit the tea room with a picnic basket full of sandwiches. The staircase to the rooftop entrance is as rickety as ever, you bet that's probably making Lilly feel a little unsafe. So you grab Lilly's hand just in case. "That's not really necessary, Hisao", Lilly replies with a saddened expression. "It's cool, just making sure you don't slip or something" "Ara ara, why, aren't you my shining knight in armor?", Lilly smiles yet again in appreciation. "Hey, no danger befalls my Queen while I'm around",you say while gently pinching Lilly's face, much to her frustrations. The two of you finally reach the entrance and push open the rooftop door. A gust of wind blows inside, making the door suddenly fly out as you open it. "Isn't it quite windy out?", Lilly covers her sensitive ears. "It's dying down, come on, lets go eat lunch", you tug at Lilly. The two of you walk out onto the rooftop, your shoes crunching the rock covered asphalt surface. Lilly suddenly stops and looks towards the sun. The wind picks up as she does this, causing her wind to blow gently through the air. ...She looks captively beautiful as she does this, allowing you a minute or so to take a mental image.

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"...Outside is so beautiful... Even if I can't see it, I can still tell it's quite lovely...", Lilly trails off. "Perk of eating outside", you speak up. "Oh right, eating! We should hurry up, I'm not sure how much longer we have until our little lunch break is over!", Lilly drops the picnic basket and takes out a couple of sandwiches. You take the sandwich from Lilly and down in a couple bites. It's a generic peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but it was prepared by Lilly, which makes it special. "Hisao...?" "Hmm? Yes?" "Have we any place to... sit down and eat?", Lilly asks. "Uh...", you peek around the rooftop, it's all pretty rough surface, "Here, let's go eat under the shade" The two of you sit down behind a broken air conditioner and begin to eat lunch. "...", Lilly shifts constantly back and forth. "Huh? Is something wrong, Lil?" "Silly me... But I can't seem to get comfortable, the ground is simply too rough for me to sit down on", Lilly replies with a pained face. "There's a more comfortable seat over here" "Where might that be?", Lilly gets up and moves your way. You guide her down with your hand until she's sitting on your lap. "Oh my... This is-?" "Softer than the gravel, right?" "I... feel dreadfully uncomfortable sitting here, Hisao" "Not a problem-"

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You shift your back out more, and let Lilly gradually lean back. "T-This isn't what I meant, Hisao" "Now now, can't have my 'Queen' sitting on the dirty ground, only the finest seat on the roof for her majesty" "That's quite enough...!", Lilly pouts and pinches you. You take out a sandwich from the picnic basket and poke it at Lilly's face. "Now say AAAAHH~", you cackle while doing so. "Ara ara... You're feeding me? You sure are giving me the royal treatment...", Lilly reluctantly takes a bite. The two of you finish the plain, everyday sandwiches in no time, leaving a couple minutes left until the lunch break ends. ...Now you're thirsty. "You didn't happen to pack any drinks, did you, Lilly?" "Oh! Sorry, no. I thought Hanako and I were going to eat in the tea room", Lilly responds apologetically. "Ah, it's all right..." ...You can tell you still have a little while longer left until lunch time is over. What to do...? "Hey... Hisao?", Lilly speaks up. "Yo" "It's been... you've been here quite a while now, at this school. How is your heart condition fairing?" "My heart...? It's better... I think" "That's good to hear, you know, I worry about you sometimes" "Yeah, you seem like the motherly type"

897

"And what is that supposed to mean?", Lilly puffs up. "I'm just saying, you're pretty mature. I like that about you" "I.. Um... Thank you, Hisao" "You're welcome, now say something cool about me" "Huh?" "I said something nice about you, going about the way of the world, you should, in return, say something cool about me" "Hmm... You're pretty... Fatherly?" "Eh?" "Ara ara, I'm just saying Hisao" "How am I 'fatherly', exactly?" "Hmm... Well, first you did hold my hand when you thought the stairway might be dangerous" "I was concerned I guess-" "Then you offer yourself as my seat with no apparent ulterior motive" "It'd be a shame to dirty your skirt-" "And then you actually fed me by putting food in front of my mouth, face it well, Hisao, you're pretty fatherly~" ! The school bell rings, the lunch break appears to be over. You make sure Lilly safely makes it back down the rooftop stairway and escort her back to the Tea Room. "You're back to the Tea Room, I suppose you can kinda figure out your way around now" "Yes, thank you, Hisao", Lilly cordially lifts her skirt by the sides and bows forward. "Thanks for the sandwiches, Lilly. They were delicious"

898

"Well, Thank you again for keeping me company, Hisao", Lilly smiles one more time. "Until next time, my 'Queen'!", you yell out as you exit into the hallway. "Hisao, wait!", Lilly yells towards you. You poke your head back into the room. "Yes, ma'am?" "Hold still for a second", Lilly feels around until she touches your face. Lilly plants a small kiss on your forehead. You begin to blush slightly... "Let's have lunch again, sometime, alright?", Lilly asks in a polite tone. You walk back outside into the hallway, invigorated, and begin to whistle nonchalantly as you continue you way down to the next class. "I'm serious, Hanako-ko, Rin's penis is sooooo cute!", you strike up a conversation with Hanako in the tea room using her chocolate nickname. "I-I'm still uncomfortable about this... Misao", Hanako remarks while sipping her tea cup. "Uncomfortable about what? Penises? Sex? Everybody does that, Hanako!", you swiftly bat your hand. "I'm... still...", Hanako looks down. "Relaaaax, I'll be there the whole time! I wanted to see a dick up close and personal and by God, my 'sis' is gonna see one!" "D-Does he even know about this, M-Misao?", Hanako begins to shift uncomfortably in her seat. "He doesn't have a say in the matter, it's cuter that way. Besides, is Rin says no, I'll bite his dick off", you show your fangs. "H-How terrifying!", Hanako gasps. After finishing tea and assorted chocolates, you and Hanako make your way to the Art Room.

899

"Why did y-you... want to go eat some chocolate and drink tea before we came here?", Hanako asks innocently. "Chocolate's supposed to be an afro-disiac, it's not like I'm not horny, it's I like the added flavor" "I-Is that supposed to make me feel better about doing this?" "No, you're scared. Fear's the strongest aphrodisiac of all!" "O-Okay...?" "I envy you, Hanako. I lost the ability to fear after I finished off the Joestar bloodline~" "Wha...?", Hanako's head tilts in perplexion. "Do you know anything about blowjobs? Or Handjobs?" "No... T...That's part of the reason why I'm here...", Hanako embarrassingly adds. "Good! Me neither, we're on an even playing field" Hanako looks at you with a shocked expression. "Anyway, let's go inside and say 'Hi' to Rin, shall we?", you say while unbuttoning your blouse. You creep the Art Room door open and slowly slip your head inside the crack. You spot Rin drinking a fruit punch pack at the table near the back. "Oh Riiiiiiiinnn~ ", you playfully sing out. Rin looks up in horror, he sucks out the remaining juice all at once as he fearfully looks your way. "H-Hey Misao, fancy seeing you here... at the same school... we both go to... Uh... I didn't do anything wrong, did I?", Rin asks while shifting in his seat. "Why no, no you haven't done anything wrong~ That's why I'm here!" You walk out naked from behind the door, dragging a fully clothed Hanako with you. "I'm here to reward you for being such a good boy!", you joyfully sing out.

900

"Meep", Rin meeps out in an disinterested tone before he gets up in an attempt to run. You run towards him and pounce on him while he's still getting up, and slam him onto the table. "HANAKO, CLOSE AND LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND YOU, IF YOU'D BE SO KIND!", you bark orders to Hanako who silently complies. "I really wish you weren't so rough, Misao...", Rin apathetically speaks out. "You keep squirming and it's just too cute!", you rub your face against Rin's. ! Misao unzips Rin's pants, and takes out his still flaccid penis. "Well, Hanako, you wanted to see one, come take a close ~look~", Misao playfully waves Rin's cock side to side. Hanako, blushing as hard as humanly possible, walks up and presses her head a couple inches away from Rin's dick, examining every little detail. Rin seems to be turning his head away in embarrassment. "Who's that, Misao?" "That's Hanako, she's Lilly's friend, and a closet sluuu~uut" "I-I AM NOT!", Hanako shouts. "You want Hanako to place her slippery moist lips on your dirty dick, Rin? She doesn't mind, that's what she's here for, to look at your cute little penis up close and personal", Misao holds Rin's dick up with her index finger, as if she's pointing it to Hanako. "M-Misao, you're really getting out of hand-", Hanako tries to debate. You get off Rin, and kneel to his side. "You're just gonna leave his dick standing here all alone? Come on and live a little! Have a feast!", Misao roars out with fire in her eyes as she plays with Rin's foreskin. "...", Hanako sighs and closes in on Rin's manhood, "B-Bon Appetite...", Hanako exclaims before she chows down on Rin's dick.

901

Hanako reluctantly begins to suck on Rin's flaccid penis, though slowly rising. "I bet that feels wonderful, doesn't it, Rin?", you comment as you watch Rin biting his lip. "I-It tastes strange...", Hanako comments as she lets Rin's cock slip out of her mouth. "I bet that's because Rin hasn't washed it for awhile, that or you're just new to that cock flavor" "H-Hasn't washed it!?", Hanako says in disgust. "Hey, a dirty cock can be mighty tasty depending on what's on it", Misao says with glee as she bites Rin's nipple through his shirt. "Y-You're disgusting... Misao!", Hanako replies. "And you're still sucking his penis, so stop calling the tea kettle black!" "I really didn't want this to happen today...", Rin apathetically blurts out. "Oh... I think I know that face. Hey Hanako, can you taste any of that delicious precum yet?", you bend over to Hanako and lift her hair out of her eyes. "Wh... Whwat's pwecerm?", she asks with her mouth full. "It's the boys equivalent to you getting wet, health is like the one thing I actually pay attention to in class" "I dwon't thin so-", Hanako suddenly stops moving her head as she jolts in surprise. "Eh? What's wrong?", you kneel down to Hanako's face! A spray of semen shoots out from under Hanako's lips and nips you in the eye. "H-HE CAME ALREADY!?", you yell in frustration. You can see Hanako reluctantly accepting the batch of semen sliding down the inside of her throat, as she finally lets her lips off Rin's cock and gasps for air. "Th...That was... putrid...", Hanako catches her breatheMisao licks the side of Hanako's face, cleaning the semen off of her cheek using only tongue. "M-Misao!?", Hanako's eyes widen in shock.

902

"Deep fried goodness... " Rin seems to have his glued to this, though panting heavily after only ejaculating once, his member begins to regain strength. "Uh huh, he is enjoying this way too much, Hanako, give me your sock", you badger the money shotted burn scarred girl. She takes off her sock and hands it to you, and you take Hanako's sock and slip Rin's now extremely sensitive erect penis inside. "OWOWOWOWOWOW OW!", Rin jolts in pain. "N-Now my sock is gonna have sperm in it...", Hanako looks down. "Well, now that you've tasted dick, how do you feel now, Hanako?", you ask while using your foot to play with Rin's sock covered dick. "S-Sullied...", Hanako remarks. "You can sit this one out if you want to, kid", you pat Hanako on the head like a kitten. "What.. are you gonna do n-next?", she asks while wiping her lips intently. "It's real simple, see that white goo leaking erect piece of meat connect to that armless boy?" Hanako nods her head. "I'm going to take that... that PENOS and stick it to my.. my VAGOO and J-J-J-JAM IT IN!", you explain using the only correct explanation. "B-But there's semen on there still!" "Yeah, so?" "E-Even with a little bit of semen you can get pregnant!" "Well, that's where Condoms come in" "Do y-you have a condom?" "Pfffft, no. But I have your sock!", you explain as you position yourself on top of Rin.

903

"D-Don't fuck my sock!", Hanako pleads. "I'M FUCKING YOUR SOCK!", you yell while lowering yourself onto Rin, his sock covered dick penetrating your pussy with much glee. Rin looks like he's in an enormous amount of pain, and that makes you pounce even harder. "~Thrust thrust thrust~ ~Jam Jam Jam~ ~Splurt Splurt Splurt~", you begin to chant as you dive into Rin as hard as you possibly can. Rin bites his lip, trying to control his baser instincts and put his mind at ease, but failing as hard as a failure can fail. "With that sock it's an extremely tight fit! Good thing it's so thin or this would be tearing us both up, right, Rin?", you say as your saliva begins to drip onto Rin's face. "W-Wow Misao, you're really good...", Hanako watches in amazement. "Hah... Hah... This is only... like my second time, too! Y-You shouldn't stand too close, you don't want your uniform getting stained, do you?", you continue thrusting your hips as Rin's sock covered dick penetrates you. "My... uniform already has c-cum on it...", Hanako looks down depressed. "Buck up, it washes out!-" "I'm about to cum, Misao", Rin looks up to you with a dead apathetic face. "So what?", you speed up your thrusting in response. "...I doubt a sock is going to be adequate protection", Rin states or rather blurts. "Whoa, Okay!", you joyfully jump off Rin's dick, taking the sock off his penis in the process. "Hanako, get over here and help me finish the man off", you bark orders to the burn scarred girl yet again. "R-Right!" Misao sinks her lips around the top of Rin's penis, feeling around the head with her tongue. Hanako eagerly begins to rub his shaft, the combined efforts eventually pay off!...!...!

904

Rin's dick splurts healthy amounts of semen inside Misao's mouth, while Hanako speeds up her hand, Misao begins to suck Rin's member as if she were sucking the sperm out through a straw. Eventually, Rin stops convulsing, and his dick with him. "BLAH!", Misao coughs out a large amount of cum, "He came like a goddamn tidal wave!" "T-That's even way more than before...!", Hanako covers her mouth yet again as she gasps. "Well, Rin, didja enjoy that litte pres-", you peer towards Rin. ...He appears to be knocked out, in the middle of a sex coma. "...I'll take that as a yes" "H-He doesn't seem to be responding!" "Oh well, leave him there, I'm sure it'll be funny later" You and Hanako exit the room after putting your clothes back on again... ...Hanako's walking around making a lewd noise in her shoe. "You didn't have to put the cock sock back on, you know" "I-I know..." You fluffle Hanako's hair. "Well, now that you're a woman, let's go grab a burger"

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Excess Period Blood Attracts Bears

"I'M HISAO NECKTIE, AND I'M NARRATING MY LIFE OUT LOUD. FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR NOW, I'VE BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE A COMPLETELY NORMAL HIGHSCHOOL NEXT TO A SECLUDED TREE BECAUSE SOME BITCH NAMED IWANASUCKYODICK GAVE ME A LOVE LETTER", you, Hisao Necktie, master of scheduling, proclaim out loud. A cold chill runs up your spine, the tree you're standing next to sprinkles snowflakes all over your hair. "YOU KNOW WHAT TREE, I'M TIRED OF YOUR SHIT", you yell out. "Hisao?", the lover girl's voice rings out. You find your inner calm, and turn around to face Iwanako all the while flipping off the tree behind your back. "Iwannasuckmytits, there you are! I've been waiting out her for thirty goddamn minutes, where were you?-", you skip towards her. "Oh... just getting my bib and eating utensils ready~", she proclaims while brandishing her teeth. "Why.. uh.. would you wanna do that, pray tell? Did you pack supper-" "RAAAAAHHHHH!", Iwanako lunges at you at sinks her teeth into your neck. "HOLY SHIT, SHE'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE- AHHHHHHHH", you pathetically scream out. ! Iwanako suddenly releases her gripA sword appears to be sticking through her. "Aw fuck-", she blurts out as she turns into ash. Blade, the vampire hunter, cleans off his sword and holsters it. "THANKS BLADE!", you congratulate him. ... He punches you in the face.

906

"WHAT THE SHIT" "I'm Wesley Snipes, motherfucker", he proclaims as he rides off in a motorcycle. "Man, Blade is a DICK-" ! You suddenly wake up from a coma, rustled underneath the hospital bed sheets. "Motherfuck fuck fuck", you colorfully add. "Ah, Hisao, you're finally up", the doctor explains while checking over your charts. "How did I end up here...?" "You were attacked, Hisao. By a Vampire", the doctor calmly responds. "Ah shit son, Vampires are real?" "And others, anyway, since you were bitten, you'll no doubt end up a Incubus-" "What? I don't get to be a Vampire?" "Incubi are kinda like Vampires that can still stay in the sunlight" "Oh, that's better then, right?" "Unfortunately, we also found a rare blood disorder in your heart and you're being sent to a disabled school for the physically challenged" "Aw shit... But wait, I'm a fucking VAMPIRE" "You're an Incubus, and don't worry, everyone there is also a monster" "...Fuck, really? Alright, I'll go", you accept cordially. "You're... accepting things oddly well..." "But of course, I'm having another dream, right?" "No...", the doctor pinches you on the arm. "..."

907

"..." "...Well, ain't that a bitch" After hours of asking questions, countless notes from your parents, and rectal examinations, time begins to pass slowly"Well, I think I've done all I can now", the doctor concludes. ... "OK?", you scratch your head. "Yep", the doctor crosses his arms. "...Who the fuck are you, anyway?" "I'm Nurse" "Nurse?" "Nurse." "Alright, 'Nurse', when do I exactly... go to this 'school' you seem to be talking about, anyway?" "You're at it" "No shit?" "No shit, see for yourself" You walk over to the 'hospital room' window and peer outside. ! Creatures of all sorts are walking around outside! Reptiles, Zombies, Ghosts, Fairy's, Plant people, Oversized Insects, you name it! "EXCELLENT!", you fake a guitar riff. "Indeed, now that you're up and running, why don't you attend your first class?", the nurse lowers your chart and explains.

908

"I'm good to go?" "Yeah, just avoid cabbages and seagulls, Incubi are mortally allergic to both-" You latch onto the ceiling, spin around, and pose. "I'M THE GODDAMN BATMAN!", you sing out. WOOOOOOOOOOO! You jump outside the Nurse room's window. -DAY 1LAST DAY BEFORE THE MOON COLLIDES WITH THE EARTH __________________

You dodge roll outside, and meet your parents in the exact spot you land. They know their son. "Oh, I fucking knew it", your Dad scoffs. "Hey parental figures!", you wave. "Are you alright, sweety? How are you faring being a Vampire?", your mother asks while rubbing you inappropriately. "Incubus Mom, damn", you push her off. "Now Hisao, this school basically cost me shitloads, which freaked me the fuck out at first considering I didn't know monsters existed until a couple days ago, so I want you to take being here seriously-", your father explains. "I'M GONNA FUCK ME SOME GHOSTS, BABY, WOOOOOOOOO!", you run around in a circle and fly off like Superman. "Where did I go wrong...?", your father scratches his facial beard. "Well, hun, since Hisao's not here, why don't you move all his stuff up to his new dorm room?", your mother nudges your father. He looks at your stack of porn and video games and sighs. "Being a Necktie is suffering"

909

ou approach the school's main doorway, fairy's and harpy's flying over your head, littering the sky with feathers and sparkles. "Mr. Necktie?", you hear an adult's voice ask. "Huh? Who said that!?" "I'm your teacher, Mr. Akio Mutou, pleased to meet you", you hear as something nudges your knee. You look downwards and see a goat wearing a business suit. "You're... my teacher?" "I am your teacher", the goat replies. "How do you... uh... use the blackboard?" "My eyes shoot laser beams, now would you please come with me so I can get today's class started?", he turns around and begins to slowly walk down the hallway... on all fours. "Well, alright", you follow the goat towards his classroom and towards your homeroom. "Tell me, do you wish to introduce yourself or would you rather I make the introductions-" "Oh, I believe I should introduce myself, if you know what I mean" "...Sure, OK", the goat nonchalantly replies. "Is this the classroom?", you point to the room number. "Yes, please come inside" You and the goat teacher enter the classroom. "I have a special treat for you all today, we have a new student joining us-", the teacher starts up. Before you stands a class entirely made up of monsters, from a pink slime girl, to a sleeping harpy, to a one handed zombies, to a hiding white skinned girl with a burned half face, to a one eared wererabbit guy, to an obvious french foreign exchange student sporting a geass, to aMulatto colored human girl? Huh, you guess you aren't the only normalish looking person here-

910

"Er HERM", the goat teacher clears his throat. Oh right. "I'm Hisao Necktie, I like big butts and I cannot lie", you bow to the class. "Take your seat, you little bastard", the goat teacher kicks you in the ass. You reluctantly search around for a viable seat, you first check for the protagonist's second, second seat from the back last row, but it seems to be taken. "WHAT THE SHIT, BUT I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER!?" "Just sit next to Shizune", the goat neighs. "She-zoo-neh? Which one is she? I don't see any name tags that aren't blood types-" The pink slime girl seems to be pointing to the seat next to her. You shoot three fire-balls, laugh manically, and teleport to the chair the goo girl was pointing at. ... An awkward silence fills the room as the teacher goes back to the lecture. ...Shit, this is boring. Maybe you should introduce yourself to Shizune. "Nice to meet you Shizune-", you extend your hand out to the goo girl, accidentally jamming it inside her. "Oh I'm not Shiichan, I'm Miichan!", the slime girl responds. "Uh... What?" "I'm MISHA! WAHAHA!", the slime girl WAHAHA'S, WAHAHAS begin echoing inside her. "Oh, then, who's Shizune-" ! A blue haired girl with headwings wearing some kind of weird blue colored leotard, sitting on top of her desk pointing to her catches your attention.

911

"Shizune?" "...!", she signs to the goo girl. "SHIICHAN SAYS HICHAN TO HIICHAN!", Misha joyfully comments. ... This is gonna be a long semester. ? You see the white skinned burn scarred girl in the corner of your eye staring at the back of your head, but the moment you turn around, she buries her face in books. "What a weirdo...~", you playfully sing out, making sure the snow girl hears it. The class finally comes to a conclusion"...!", the succubus signs to the goo girl. "HEY HIICHAN, WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THE STUDENT COUNCIL, WAHAHA!" "Naw, Student Councils are for nerds" "...!" "Not even if I do... THIS!?" Shizune stands up, thrusts her hips to the side, and shows off her body. "...!", Shizune signs without breaking her stride. "Very sexy! No?" "Not really", you shake your head. "...?" "OH!? How about THIS!" Shizune sticks her fingers next in front of her lips suggestively as she continues to try and charm you. "No way", you wave her off.

912

"...!" "Oooooh? And what about this?" Shizune place the top of her leg on top of your shoulder with amazing use of the human body, and runs her tongue down her purple bat colored, blue pantyhose. "Well... OK, I'll think about", you nod and take Shizune's leg off your shoulder sexily, then make your way towards the classroom exit. "...!", Shizune signs with succubus infused magic. "W-Wait Hiichan, do you want to go talk about it over lunch?", Misha translates. "Hmm..."

913

Monster High
Previously on Katawa Nyo-houjo. Hisao Necktie is an incubus with a racist heart against living attending a school for other disabled monsters for the first time. However, he comes across an odd situation, a human going to the same school as he... Also there were rectal examinations. Now we continue. You spring in front of the only human girl in class as she's gathering her books. "Hi, I can't help but notice, you're the only human girl in class~", you open up conversation. "Huh?", the brown skinned girl looks up at you with confusion. "You. Human." "I.. Yeah, yeah I am human!", she replies in a positive tone. "Good, now that we have that established, may I ask what you're doing at a school full of handicapped monsters?" "Oh... They needed... A token human", she says slowly. ... "Sure, why not" "Uh, hey, what was your name again? I wasn't paying attention earlier" "Hisao Necktie, lover of big butts", you extend your hand. "*SNRK* H-Hachisame", she shakes your hand while giggling, "And what might you be?" "Me? I'm obviously a Vampire Zombie Werewolf's roommate, an Incubus. So, Hachi, now that introductions are out of the way, want to hang out for a bit?" "No offense, but I... kinda feel uncomfortable hanging out with a complete stranger" "Well, that can be quickly remedied, with say with a... date?" "Work fast, don't you?" "I'm just nervous. I... Never talked to a girl before!", you faint dramatic emotion.

914

"Sheesh... You're pathetic", Hachisame scratches her head in frustration. "I didn't hear a 'no'" "Look, I can show you around since you're new, but as far as 'dating'-" "It's OK, I just got out of a bad relationship with my last girlfriend. Turns out she was a vampire, I came across this conclusion as she sank her teeth into my neck, but luckily Wesley Snipes was there to save me" "Oh, that's nice" "Wasn't for her, I snorted her ashes afterwards, you think PCP is crazy, you haven't lived until you've snorted vampire ash" ... "Are you done?", she asks as she puts a hand on her hip. "Are you kidding me? I could go on for hours talking about vampire ashed induced fantasia. But I'm also goddamn hungry, let's go to the caferia, I'll even let you pay for my food", you join Hachisame as the two of you walk outside into the hallway. The cafeteria's full of insect girls at the moment, flustering about, with their extra limbs and smelly egg-sacks. "Fucking insects, the real reason behind 9/11...!", you yell to yourself. "Are you... All right there, Hisao?", Hachisame pats you on the back. "I'm fine, but I'm a man in need of a good burger, this wasabi sushi bullshit is for weeaboos and carnival folk" "Hisao... You're Japanese" "Like a goddamn polar bear" You motion back into the hallways. "C'mon show me around school while the lunch lines diminish, I'm hankering for more exploration" "...I'm hungry too, you know", Hachisame grabs her stomach as it growls.

915

"Fine, one moment" You walk towards a large fat centipede (that looks like has downs syndrome) who's sitting at a table... Hogging up all the seats. "Excuse me, Bub, but that cute goo girl back that said she'll gloop your dick for a dollar" "My word, GLOOB my dick?" "Like a champ, think her name is Misha, she told me to tell you that she's totally into you but she's shy-" "DICK GLOOOOOOOOOOB!", the huge centipede monster scurries off. You grab his lunch and run back to Hachisame. "Here, let's eat while walking to save time", you explain. "Fuck yes, food!", Hachi grabs the fish from your hands and chows down. The two of you make your way further down the main hall-way. ... This is boring. You say fuck it and begin walking on the ceiling. "HAHAHA, I AM UP HERE, AND YOU ARE DOWN THEEEEEEERE", you point your fingers to Hachisame. "Careful or you'll let all the blood rush to your head, as if it hadn't already", Hachi replies casually. "And that's the art room, Rin Tezuki usually resides in there, she's soooo creepy...", Hachisame points out as the two of you walk down the second floor hallway. "Wonder if she'd be in there right now...?" You stick your head into the Art Room, and see an armless red haired tomboyish Lamia casually eating her lunch on the windowsill, with her tail wrapped around a chair. "Are you Rin Tezuka?", you ask out of the blue. She apathetically stares your way and answers, "Yup".

916

"..." "..." The two of you stare at each other, steadfast. "Well, alright then" You close the Art Room door and run back to Hachisame. "Isn't she so creeeeeeeepy?", Hachisame says while dabbling her palms. "I'd hit it", you tilt your head as you say it. Hachisame stops dead in her tracks in the middle of the hallway and turns to you. "Hisao, is there a reason why you wanted chill with me other than the fact that I'm a plain old human?", she asks with a serious face. "Yes" "And what would that be?" "You have a big butt" "I... What!?" "Your butt. It's GARGANTUAN. On a scale of one to ten on the Ghetto Booty scale, it's pretty much a 12, maybe a 12 and a half" "You're only hanging out with me because of my BUTT?" "Well no, I also have a thing for brown girls" "..." "And you seem like a nice girl, booty and skin tone aside" "Tsk, jerk" "Well, why did you wanna hang with me, exactly? Seemed pretty interested in showing me around school" "You're the new guy, I was just being nice", Hachisame turns her head and pouts.

917

"Ah huh, sure you are-" ? You can suddenly smell the aroma of coffee coming from a nearby room...? You creak open the door to the Tea Room and look inside! The inside of the Tea Room is flipped upside down! There appears to be a blonde hair woman sitting on the ceiling sipping tea. "...? Hanako, is that you?", the blonde haired girl puts down her tea cup. "...How the hell do you keep your drink from spilling?", you scratch your head. "Huh? Might I ask who you are?" "Oh, sorry, I'm new here! My name's Hisao Necktie, lover of big butts. Might I have your name, miss?", you politely introduce yourself. The blonde woman descends from the ceiling and lands in front of you with lightning quick speed. "Ara ara, my name is Lilly Satou! A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Lover of Big Butts!", the blonde haired woman politely and gently responds. "Hmm... Are you a Succubus... Or...?" "Oh? I'm a Vampire", Lilly creaks her eyes open, letting a red glare emit.... Even though she's facing the wrong direction. "You're blind, aren't you?" "Guilty as charged, Mr. Necktie. Would you like to stay and have a cup of tea?" "Naw, that's OK. I gotta get back to Hachi, she's showing me around the school" "Oh, would you do me a favor in that case, Hisao?" "Hmm?"

918

"You see, I usually drink tea with a friend, but she's not here at the moment. Would you find her and tell her that the iced tea she made was quite delectable and give her my thanks?" "Depends on if she's on my way or not" "She might be in the library. Her name is Hanako by the way, I'm not so sure about what she looks like though... But I understand she's a Yuki-Onna" "A what, now?" "That's like a snow girl if you didn't know-" "Right, if I see her I'll tell her" "Much appreciated, Hisao!", Lilly waves to you... Again facing the wrong direction. You exit the Tea Room and greet Hachisame outside. "I'm betting you're getting bored of me going off and leaving you alone in the hallway, huh?" "What was your first clue?", Hachisame crosses her arms. You pull your pants around your thighs, exposing your underwear. "Let's bounce, dog!", you fake a ghetto accent and hobble forwards. ... Hachisame appears to be giggling hard, but covering her mouth so she doesn't cause a racket. "How about we hit the Library? I need to check out some books", Hachisame asks as the two of you near the Unlimited Book Works room. "Sure, I needed to go here anyway" The two of you enter the Library, Hachisame breaks off and goes into the Fiction section to find a book and you head towards the librarian. ...Who appears to be a Pot Devil. "Uh... Hi. You haven't happened to have seen a Snow Girl around these parts, have you?" "Do you mean Hanako?", the librarian asks as as points towards the back.

919

"That's the one, thanks, also your nipples are bleeding through your tube top", you comment before breaking off and walk towards the back. You spot a liquid white skinned, black haired girl wearing a white yukata with oversized sleeves in the back reading a book... On a bean chair. She also appears to have half of her face covered in burned scarring. "Are you Hanako?", you ask while take a nearby newspaper and fold it into a paper hat. "W-W-WHO ARE YOU?", the girl asks while trembling. ...Is she cold or scared...? "Your friend Lilly told me to tell you that the iced tea you gave her was practically orgasmic and that you should give me a blowjob" "E-EH!?", she lowers her book in confusion. "Kidding. About the last part, I mean. Well, unless..." ! You run out of the library as ice begins to shoot out behind you and close the library doors. "Some girls can't take a goddamn JOKE!", you shout out in response while brushing ice off your school uniform. Hachisame calmly opens the door you closed behind you, revealing the shards of sharpened ice stuck behind the doors, and nonchalantly closes the door behind her. "Found my books", she tells you while pointing backwards with her thumb. -Much Later"And THAT's why my penis is still uncircumcised", you chat idly with Hachi as the two of you walk down outside. "...That was... Way more interesting than it should've been, Hisao", Hachi remarks with a worried look. "Oh cool, the school has a track course, huh?", you look off into the distance. Centaurs, Weregirls, and all manner of disabled monster girls seem to be out there,

920

practicing. "Yeah, Centaur's with prosthetic legs are kinda the school's unofficial mascot", Hachisame adds as she joins you in watching the girl's practice. "What about girls with wings?" "Volleyball" "...Volleyball? Reeeeaaaally?-", you stretch out the really like Ace Ventura. ! Something suddenly rams into your chest from out of the blue, knocking the air clean out of you. "OOF!", you exclaim as you land onto the ground rather harshly. FAPPO! ... HNNNNRRRGGG You clutch your chest in pain as your heart says 'FUCK YOU CHOLO' in a mexican accent. "Hisao, are you alright, dude!?", Hachisame asks in a worried tone. After a couple seconds... It subsides. Luckily, you take a breathe and gaze at the thing that slammed into you? There's a scaly blonde haired lizard girl kneeling over, clutching her head in pain in front of you. ...Her legs appear to be prosthetic... "Geez, what did I run in to?", She continues rubbing her head. She finally looks at you and gasps. "OH MY GOSH, I'M SORRY!", the lizard girl with fake legs bows for your forgiveness. "Watch where you're goin', ya fool!", you shake your fist about.

921

"You looked like you were about to pass out there, Hisao", Hachi adds with a worried face. "Relax, I'd be more worried about 'Scaly's' brain damage other there" "My name's not SCALY, it's EMI!", Emi shouts out in anger. "Whatever Scales-", you get up and brush yourself off, "Hachi, let's go, before you get rammed by the Triceratops over here" "Look, I'm sorry, OK!?", she pleads out again. "Are you REALLY sorry?" "Of course!" "Nyo.. HO HO!", you scratch your facial hair deviously. Hachisame steps on your foot in response. "OWOWOWOWOWOW!" "Yeah, he's fine, you're good to go, Emi", Hachi explains cooly. "I'll make it up to you sometime, I promise!", Emi signs out by clutching her fist and wagging her scaly tail.

922

Ill stop making them when you stop replying to them

"HEY HISAO!", Emi, the legless airheaded ditz moonwalks your way upon you exiting your room. "Hey Pancake butt, what's crakalaking?", you casually try to ignore her and make your way out the building. Today is Tuesday, and Tuesday's are always the work of Vampires. "So, Hisao, we're having a track meeting today", Emi continues to follow you annoyingly, "But the thing is, it's a total clam fest!" "Well yeah, it's a GIRL's track team" "That's the point, there's no BOY's track team, ergo, it's just a bunch of sweaty girls running around in circles wearing bloomers-" You stop prematurely and turn to Emi with a serious face. "Continue...", you strike a Jojo pose. "Thing is, you guys get to stare at us breaking our backs all the time, don't you think it's time for you to repay the favor?", Emi joyfully puts on a mischievous smirk. "...I'm not running with you guys nor am I starting a disabled Boy's track team" "Nononononono, you see, you get to oogle us, we don't get to oogle you. It sets the morale down for the entire team!" "The girl's morale is down? Well, we can't have that" "So I'm gonna need you to wear this!" Emi takes out a football mascot's uniform. 'The Wheelchair'd Armadillo'. "...", you stare back at Emi with a unhinging face. "Puleeeeease? It would mean a lot to the girls if you would just show up wearin-" "Alright, I'll do it" "-g a mascot's... Wait, what?"

923

You take the costume, throw it up into the air, run up the wall and strip down to your speedo, then jump into the air and put on the costume in a glorious explosion of rainbows, lucky charms, and equally homo-erotic visuals. "You know, this was a joke, Hisao", Emi narrows her eyebrows. "Yeah well guess what, this Gorilla's about to drop this shit" Throughout the girl's track session, you're in the background, humping a wheelchair you stole from a paraplegic. "PUT YOUR BACKS INTO LADIES!", you scream as you deflower the chair's virginity. Emi walks over to you and kicks the wheelchair from underneath you. "Stop it." "UGH, MY WHEELCHAIR! BITCH, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BITCH SLAPPED WITH A BANANA!?", you fake not having the use of your lower body pathetically. "How about you do something constructive for a change?", Emi brandishes a blindfold. "NO WAIT, I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK-" Emi rips off your Gorilla mascot uniform, stripping you down to your jimmies, and blindfolds you. "Alright everyone! New Games! If Hisao touches you, you have to buy the entire track team lunch!", Emi yells to her disabled teammates with glee. "I AM A NINJA WARRIOR... WAW...", you comment to Emi's sudden declaration, going along with this crap because you honestly don't have anything better to do. "Why is he wearing a speedo!?", a random girl yells out. "I HEARD THAT, I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCH!", you run towards the track girl's voice. "EEEEEEK!" "W-WHOA!" "AAAAH-AAAAAAAHHHHH!" "LADIES, PREPARE YOUR ANUSES!", you scream as you kick the ground. You begin chasing the girls around the track, blindfolded.

924

... ...But you still seem to be slower than any of them, and your fatigue catches up with you within seconds. "FUCKING VIDEO GAMES AND 2CHAN", you yell as you crash into the ground, panting with exhaustion. After practice... Everyone's left the school track, except Emi and yours truly. "Wow Hisao, you're terrible at this", Emi's puts on a frustrated pout. "I don't want to hear this coming from a LOLI", you poke Emi's small chest. "I'M NOT A LOLI!-" "SHUT UP, LOLI!", you give Emi an unrelenting noogie. ... "...I still just wish I could run faster and maybe a little longer...", you put on a sad face. "Look, Hisao, there are a bunch of ways to improve your speed that don't involve training!-" "Really? Such as...?" "Uh... Let me think...?", Emi scratches her head. "Does it involve throwing red paint on the ground and running over it? Because I've tried that before" "Have you tried shaving off all your body hair?", Emi points to her armpit. "Y-... Well...", you look downwards. "...Well, what?", Emi bats an eyebrow. "I haven't shaved down -there-. You think it'll make any difference?" "DO I THINK IT'LL MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE!? HISAO! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH PUBIC HAIR WEIGHS!?", a cheep flashing Speed Racer background appears behind Emi as she yells out.

925

"UH... I HAVE NO IDEA", you reply with the same intense flashing background behind you. "LIKE A MILLION, BILLION, POUNDS!" "HOLY SHIT, THAT'S HANGING OFF MY SCROTUM" "OFF YOUR SCROTUM!", Emi repeats what you say only louder. "I DO NOT THINK SHAVING MY PRIVATE AREA WILL HELP MY SPEED ANY" "HISAO, DO IT" "HMMM, YOUR PERSUASIVE ARGUMENT HAVE PERSUADED ME TO SHAVE MY BALLS, AH HO~" "YES, I WILL HELP YOU, AH HO~" "AH HO~!?" "AH HO~!" "...Seriously now, I'll go do that" "Seriously now, I'll help you!", Emi sways back and forth with her upper body. "I uh... I don't think so, Emi" "Hisao, I help LOTS of girls shave their privates, you don't have anything to fear!" "Well, if you want to that badly..." "I do, I even have my trusty razor handy!", Emi brandishes an electric razor and turns it on. "...Do you keep that with you wherever you go?" "Let's go behind the tool shed, shall we?!", Emi grabs a hold of your arm and tugs. "YO, I'M SERIOUS, WHY DO YOU CARRY AN ELECTRIC SHAVE- YO, STOP, ANSWER MY QUESTION!?-" Emi's surprisingly monstrous strength pulls you behind the school's tool shed, out of sight from everyone else that may have stuck around the track field. "Alright! Let's do this!", Emi turns the shaver on and tastes her lips in anticipation.

926

"Why are you so excited- Know what, just hand me that shaver and I'll do it-" "Nope!", Emi points the shaver at you, signalling you to drop your underwear. "Know what, this was a bad idea to begin with-" Emi points the shaver at your bulge and turns the power back on. "This ain't an option, Necktie, drop those bottoms and let me shave your ballsack", Emi roars as she nudges the razor against your underwear. You reluctantly pull down your speedos and expose yourself to Emi... Who appears to be staring in wonder as little stars glitter inside her eyes. "Okay, just do this carefully and slow-" PZZZZZT Emi runs the shaver between your legs, the tip getting dangerously close to your ballsack. "GODDAMN IT, EMI. I SAID TAKE IT SLOW!" "Sorry, sorry! First time shaving a dude... It's... Much harder, heh" You begin to shake violently at this sudden tidbit of news. ! Emi latches onto your balls (C-Cold...) and looks up to you. "Man, these things are sweaty! Hey Hisao, I always wanted to try this, cough twice!", Emi jokes around. "QUIT FUCKING AROUND!", you flick Emi across the nose. PZZZZZZZT The shaver's cold tip cuts the hairs off your balls with amazing precision, though, everytime she moves the shaver in, your balls retract in fear. "Hisao, if you don't keep steady, I'm gonna accidentally shave into your penis, and that won't be fun for anyone, believe me", Emi shoots you a stern look. "YES MAM!", you stand up straight and stiff like a British Royal Guard.

927

Diligently, Emi shaves off the hair around you balls and moves upwards. She pulls up your penis and shaves the hair off your underside in small nudges. Finally, she moves onto your pubic hair, which painfully comes off. A couple hairs get stuck inside the shaver instead of getting completely chopped off, making you shed a manly tear every now and again. But with utmost professionalism, Emi finishes by writing 'Emi Wuz Here' in your pubic hair. "...", you leer at the legless loli with unamused eyes. "Haha, what? It was a joke!" ! You hear a gunshot go off from the trackAh. It looks like the girl's track team are having another race"Emi, does have your balls shaved truly make you that much faster?", you ask politely while grabbing onto Emi's shoulders. "U-Uh... Yeah!" "Then tonight. I taste victory" You run out onto the track, where the girl's are running in a race. "HISAO, WAIT, YOUR CLOTHES-", Emi yells behind you. But you don't care, your eye is on the PRIZE. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot... You sprint like a human bullet reaching a max velocity that would make The Flash weep in shame. An inspiring dramatic piano solo begins to play as, in slow motion, you pass up the girl's track team and cross the finish line with your genitals flapping about. "YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!", you jump up in the air and freeze. The screen fades to black and a caption fills the screen. "Can't get it together in the mornings? Try Five Hour Energy!"

928

"My name is Hisao Necktie, twenty-one minutes ago I just discovered my toilet is a time machine. I've decided to make a audio log for the sake of science and as a failsafe in case the ORGANIZATION finds this out... FWAHAHAHA!", you laugh as you spin around with the audio recorder. "Dude, really?", Kenji looks up from his computer monitor as he spams guro on a feminist's website. "That second voice you are hearing is LAB MEMBER 003, SUPER HAKER KENJI SETOU!", you dramatically sing out. "It's HACKER, you fucking asshole", Kenji takes a swig from his flask of alcohol. "TUTURU! Hisao! I'm back from the store with more toilet paper!", Emi TUTURU'S as she enters the headquarters room aka the spare classroom nobody was using except crack addicts and Rin. "AND THAT! Is Lab Member 002, Emi Ibarazaki" "What are you doing with that Hello Kitty voice recorder, Hisao?", Emi asks she peers over your shoulder. ... You flip open your House M.D. cellphone despite not actually talking to anyone. "This is Hisao, the organization has apparently FROZEN my swiss bank accounts in order to get to me-" "Who are you talking to...?", Emi tilts her head. "...Look, it was the best I could do in the short amount of time I had to gather my effects... Unfortunately, our lab is lacking in FUNDING" "Did we really need to discuss this in the Art Room?", a third voice asks in apathy. "And THAT is Lab Member 004, ZA ZOMBIE" "Lab Members...?", Rin stares at you blankly. "But of course, you are Lab Member 004, LO-RIN-ZO!" "It's just Rin" "SILENCE! LET US CONDUCT SCIENCE AND SCIENCE TYPE ACCESSORIES!", you roar as you brandish your new stolen lab coat.

929

ROLLING AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND

"HIICHAN, WHAT'LL HAPPEN IF MISHA'S DRILL HAIR GOES BACK TO THE FUTURE!?" "How the fuck did you get into my lab?" "TIME TRAVEEEEEELLLL!", Misha jumps headfirst into the time traveling toilet device and flushes herself. BAM. Misha Goo Girl. You teleport yourself into the Art Room, a bunch of ominous smoke fills the room as you appear. "I AM THE TERROR, THAT FAPS IN THE NIGHT!", you boom your voice inside the Art Room. "Hi Hisao...", an apathetic voice meets you without care. ...Rin appears slouched against a chair as the smoke disperses. "You could act A LITTLE bit more surprised", you pout as you flourish your new vampire cape and sit down across from Rin. "...What's with the blanket?", Rin looks over your shoulder as her snake part curls around her chair. "I'm a Count now, all Counts wear capes. It's common sense-" ! GOOD LORD, RIN'S FANGS LOOK TERRIBLE! You can clearly see the scum from where you're sitting... Which is pretty far away. Like, not too far, but not too close, you know? "Rin, when was the last time you brushed your teeth...?" "...What now?", Rin looks your way like she wasn't already. "Your teeth, they look... Terrible. When was the last time you brushed them?"

930

"Iunno", Rin raises her shoulders and lowers them in the universal 'GOOD SIR, I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE' stance. "Well, we can fix that-" You grab hold of Rin and teleport the both of you to your bathroom. "...Whoa", Rin lets out without using any emotion. You take out your tooth brush, wash it, squirt some tooth paste on, wash it again and look to Rin. "Alright, before we do this now, I want you gurgle some water beforehand and spit it out, alright?" "...Why are we doing this again?" "PROPER HYGIENE" "It sounds like a lot of work...", Rin looks off to the side. "RIN! I WILL DESTROY YOU!" "Alright, Alright, turn the faucet on for me" You turn on the faucet, letting the water gradually warm up, and point to the flowing water as if to signal Rin to star drinking. She hunches over, sticks out her long forked tongue first to taste the water coming out of the faucet, and lets the water gradually enter her mouth but still in a sloppishly messy way. ...She begins gargling... And gargling... And gargling... "SPIT IT OUT ALREADY", you pat Rin on the back. She spits the water out into your face, along with a little bit of venom"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH", you clutch your face and roll on the ground. "Yeah sorry, that happens", Rin shrugs yet again. You get back up, rip off your face and grow it back, good as new. "It's all good in the neighborhood"

931

You pick up the toothbrush and shove it inside Rin's mouth. "Awwwoo...", Rin winces in pain. "TAKE THIS, MY ABRASIVES, MY FLUORIDES, AND ALL OF MY SURFACTANTS!", you yell as you rip across Rin's teeth with your brush of manlyness. "Ewww... This hwas your germs on it, doesn't it Hwisao?", Rin plainly asks with a censored toothbrush in her mouth. You stop prematurely, which is probably the worst way to stop. "Hmm..? What now?", Rin asks as with white residue around her lips. "Stick out your tongue" "Why?" "You shouldn't ever forget to brush your tongue, it's proper hygiene" You stick your fingers into Rin's mouth and pull out her tongue. *BRUSHIE BRUSHIE BRUSHIE* You rub your brush up and down Rin's long Lamia tongue. "AH!", Rin moans in pleasure"Stop that, that's just silly", you let your grip on Rin's snake tongue loose and watch it slap Rin in the face. You turn the faucet again and let Rin wash out her mouth, occasionally stopping to swish water around inside her permanently unamused looking cheeks. "Is it better now, Hisao? Or do you want to do my nails too?", Rin, the armless Lamia, asks in a cocky tone. "I can't tell, you're gonna have to smile in mirror-" "I don't usually smile", Rin narrows her eyes in response. "Come on, I bet you have a pretty smile just waiting to dazzle the worl-" Rin widens her lips and opens her mouth. She puts the most disturbingly evil looking smile you've ever seen in your life reflect inside the mirror reflect.

932

"...See? B-...Beautiful?", you look away and gulp. "I'M AN INCUBUS...! I'M AN INCUBUS! SUCK MY DIIIIICK, I'M AN INCUBUS!", you sing as you dance on the ceiling while nonchalantly walking down the school hallway. ? You spot Hachisame socializing with a couple of eye-patch wearing Lamia's, giggling at a joke on of them cracked... ! She turns her blonde haired head to the side and looks your way. S-Shit! You take your cape and swing it around in front of you. Ha....ha! Now you're invisible! "Now's your chance, Hachi!", one of the "I can see you, you know", Hachi blurts out as she stands underneath you. "BULLSHIT, I'M INVISIBLE!" "Mmm Hmm", Hachisame bats her neck side to side as she says that. "Party pooper", you blurt while dropping down from the ceiling and pouting. "Hey Hisao, there's something I've been meaning to ask-", Hachisame begins to ask while nonchalantly kicking the ground. "The answer is yes, my dick IS the size of New Hampshire" "That's... Not what I- Look, you asked before if I wanted to go out on a date sometime and I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea", Hachisame tilts her head in perplexity. "A date? Alright! Where at?" "People say the most popular dating site around would be the area next to the school" "YOU MEAN...!?"

933

"Pumpkin... Hill?", Hachisame raises an eyebrow as she says the name, gauging your timely reaction. "...YES... YES! AFTER SCHOOL, OUTSIDE, MEET ME" "But It IS after school-" "YO, I'M THE FIGHTING FREAK HISAO, AND WE GOING TO PUMPKIN HILL, YOU READY!?" You decide to meet Hachisame outside the school when night falls, to make things that much more fun. "So... How do we get to Halloween Mountain?", you ask Hachi as the two of you walk down the school's road. "PUMPKIN HILL, you dimwit. And that's pretty much how", Hachisame points down to the bus stop. "...We're gonna take a bus? I thought you said the place was close-" "Bus? Oh no, we ain't taking a bus~", Hachi sings out. ! A Ghost Train appears down the road from out of thin air and steamrolls itself down the street where it stops conveniently at the bus stop. A bunch of pumpkin hat wearing goblins appear to be driving it... "Well shit, that beats my idea of taking you to Applebees" The two of you board the Ghost Train and depart! The train lifts up from the road and begins to fly off. You trail upwards and upwards until you begin to see extremely large pillars with Pumpkin shaped heads fill your area of view, along with many lit up Jack-O-Lanterns flying about. "This is a dating spot? What exactly do we do? 'Hawk a Loogie' at flying Jack-O-Lanterns?" "It's pretty cool actually, we land on top of one of them pumpkin shaped hills and admire the view-", Hachisame tries to explain. "Too late"

934

*HAAAAAAWWKK* *SPEW* You spit outside the window. It hits a Jack-O-Lantern outside the flying ghost train, putting out it's flame and causing it to plummet to it's death. "WWWWHHHHHYYYY!?", the little pumpkin shrieks in a Gilbert Gottfried voice. ... "Oh... Now I feel like a dick" The Ghost Train kicks the both of you out on top of a Pumpkin Hill. "Nice one, Hisao", Hachisame blows the bangs out her eyes with a frustrate blow/sigh/bligh. "HANDS AND FEET INSIDE AT ALL TIMES, YOU LITTLE PRICK", the goblin yells at you. "Spit isn't HANDS AND FEET, BITCH", you flip off the Goblins and wish genital warts upon them and their children. "Hisao...", Hachi whispers out in amazement. "Huh, what's wrong-" ! A large dark purple sky seems to stretch on forever around you, littered with hundreds of flying lanterns hobbling about with different colored flames inside them. A colorfully amusing image fills your area of vision and Hachi's as well. ...Also there appears to be a floating green crystal on the face of this mountain. Huh. ~! A strong wind picks up around you, blowing your cape about profusely. "NOW I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO PEEEEEEE", you scream as the wind blows through your hair. You turn to Hachisame, who is trying to keep her skirt down as if blows about annoyingly-

935

! "...Were those.... PEARLS!?", you kneel down to look underneath Hachi's skirt. "H-HEY, YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT YET!", Hachisame tries to tug her skirt between her legs. "Pearl underwear, where do you even FIND that?", you scratch your head... ... Then mentally picture the pearls riding up Hachi's butt and concealing her va"HNNNNNNNGGGGG", you kneel down further on the cold mountain ground while clutching your chest. A couple minutes pass as your heart attack subsides and the wind dies down. Hachisame seems to have her face covered out of embarrassment"HELLO!", you hear an annoying little kid's voice behind you. "Knee...Naw?", you turn around. A little blue flying robot with a helicopter blades coming out of his noggin appears to be flying around you. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HOW TO DIG!?", the little robot asks innocently. "No" "TO DIG, PRESS THE A AND B BUTTONS TOGETHER" "Wha...?" "Hisao, who's that?", Hachisame asks while walking to your side. "I'M OMACHAO!", the little robot circles around Hachisame. "Haha, that's pretty cute, Hisao", Hachi giggles at the little robot's antics. ! The robot pinches Hachisame's ass.

936

"H-HEY!", she jumps out in response. "WHOA WHOA WHOA, WHAT THE HELL BRO!?" "How about you lose the zero and get with the hero, baby? I like my girls like I like my chocolate, DARK", the little robot makes a little humping gesture. You grab hold of the little bastard and throw it at another one of the flying pumpkins. "W-WHY!?", Omachao shrieks out as it explodes upon collision. "So anyway, what's with the pearl panties?", you nonchalantly switch the subject. "Oh! That! Right... Um... Well, I thought I was getting lucky tonight...", Hachi twiddles her fingers. "...Pearl Panties" "That's what my friends told me to wear... You really don't like them?" "I don't know, I didn't get a good lo~ok at them", you cross your arms and smirk. ...Hachisame begins to debate something to herself... Hachisame reluctantly pulls up her skirt, giving you a front row seat at her shiny looking pearl underwear. "Hmm...", you walk toward Hachisame and kneel down. "...Yep...", you poke at the pearls, "Those are real alright" "So you do like it?", Hachi seems to be looking away, embarrassed. "Course. Why not?", you playfully retort as you push the pearls around Hachi's womanhood against her. "H-Hey, don't do that!" You get up and teleport yourself to Hachi's backside, where you press yourself against her. Haha, the pearls DO ride up her ass. "Getting turned on, yet?", you ask while rubbing your clothed erection against Hachisame's pearl panties.

937

"Well, maybe a little", she puts on a worried face, "But you aren't thinking of seriously doing in with all these pumpkins flying around... watching, are you?" "Absolutely", you stick your chin into her shoulder and begin to dance your fingers around her sides. "Well... If you really want to...", Hachisame lets out a large sigh. You unzip your pants and SCHWING your manhood in one fluid motion, then ram your dick between Hachisame's legs, and begin to rub against her pearl underwear with your bare dick. Hachi's soft butt presses against your abdomen~ "Oh great, now my panties are gonna smell like dick...", she blurts out. ! "WHOA, HEY GUYS, HEY GUYS, THESE TWO ARE TOTALLY DOING IT ON TOP OF MY HEAD!", the pumpkin shaped mountain top actually speaks out. "HOLY SHIT MAN, THAT IS AWESOME", a nearby mountain responds. The hundreds of floating Jack-O-Lanterns around you all stop and converse around you. "...Yo?", you wave to the pumpkins. ! They begin to circle around, the colors blending together projecting themselves upon the two of you as if they were disco lights. Hachisame reluctantly pulls up her skirt, giving you a front row seat at her shiny looking pearl underwear. "Hmm...", you walk toward Hachisame and kneel down. "...Yep...", you poke at the pearls, "Those are real alright" "So you do like it?", Hachi seems to be looking away, embarrassed. "Course. Why not?", you playfully retort as you push the pearls around Hachi's womanhood against her. "H-Hey, don't do that!" You get up and teleport yourself to Hachi's backside, where you press yourself against her.

938

Haha, the pearls DO ride up her ass. "Getting turned on, yet?", you ask while rubbing your clothed erection against Hachisame's pearl panties. "Well, maybe a little", she puts on a worried face, "But you aren't thinking of seriously doing in with all these pumpkins flying around... watching, are you?" "Absolutely", you stick your chin into her shoulder and begin to dance your fingers around her sides. "Well... If you really want to...", Hachisame lets out a large sigh. You unzip your pants and SCHWING your manhood in one fluid motion, then ram your dick between Hachisame's legs, and begin to rub against her pearl underwear with your bare dick. Hachi's soft butt presses against your abdomen~ "Oh great, now my panties are gonna smell like dick...", she blurts out. ! "WHOA, HEY GUYS, HEY GUYS, THESE TWO ARE TOTALLY DOING IT ON TOP OF MY HEAD!", the pumpkin shaped mountain top actually speaks out. "HOLY SHIT MAN, THAT IS AWESOME", a nearby mountain responds. The hundreds of floating Jack-O-Lanterns around you all stop and converse around you. "...Yo?", you wave to the pumpkins. ! They begin to circle around, the colors blending together projecting themselves upon the two of you as if they were disco lights. "BLAH, I VANT TO HUMP YOUR BUTT!", you put on your best Dracula impression as your dick slides out of her. "H-Hey, my anus is off limits, mister!" "HMPH", you pout like a child. You slide your cock back in and continue to drill into Hachi's pussy with your dick. Your fingers find their way around her breasts, groping her as hard as humanly possible as you

939

sink your teeth into her ear. "YEAH, FUCK THAT BROWN GIRL GOOD!", one of the lanterns screams out in Gilbert Gottfried's voice. "That's... R-Really turning me off", Hachi remarks while she begins to move her body along with yours. "Really? I'm as hard as ever!" ! ... "H-Hisao, why do I feel something warm dripping down my thigh?", Hachisame asks in curiosity. "I wonder, I wonder" "You... Didn't cum inside me, did you?" "...Maybe a little" After a couple hours of long, arduous love making, you finally squeeze out what little you had left in your balls inside Hachisame. You must've jizzed inside her a dozen times by now, but you're definitely satisfied. The brown girl lays on top of you, your man juice still leaking on of her as she curls up next to you. "Damn Hisao, that was... Wonderful", Hachisame adds while rubbing her head against your chest. "I know baby, I was there", you point to the pumpkin camera crew, "And so were they" They gives you a thumbs up. "Damn, I'm good"

940

Youll never find it

You casually walk down the school hallway, the floor tiles light up as you step on them, stylishly. The Tea Room lights up, as if to signal you to go inside... You stumble drunkenly inside, you may have had a few before coming to school today. Or a lot. Not over a dozen beer cans, anyway. Lilly appears to be at the counter, brewing some of her delicious crack tea. But she doesn't seem to notice you've arrived already. Well, we'll have to fix that. "DAMN! ALL THOSE CURVES AND ME WITHOUT BRAKES!", you exclaim in a poor Chris Tucker impersonation. "Hisao?", Lilly turns her head around, facing your general direction. "HAHA... Probably", you walk over to Lilly and peer over her shoulder. *Sniff* *Sniff* Lilly seems to smell the alcohol on your breathe. "Have you... been engaging in underaged drinking this morning, Hisao?", Lilly asks with a worried look. ... Man, beer goggles makes everything look so coooool... ! Oh, she's talking to you, shit man, just play it cool. "Hmm? I'm shorry, what? I wasn't listening", you explain while slurring your words. "...You worry me sometimes, Hisao...", Lilly turns her attention back to making a fresh pot of tea. Nyohoho! Smo~oth, Hisao. She doesn't suspect a thing! ...

941

My word. Would you look at Lilly's ass... You put on a monocle from clear out of nowhere. *Poke* "H-HEY!", Lilly puts on an aggravated face. You gently poke at Lilly's ass cheek through her skirt while scratching your facial beard. "Fascinating... Tell me your secrets, Lilly's buttocks" ! A firm open handed... hand comes in contact with your face in a speed and velocity ratio that will echo eternally throughout your bloodlines. "HEY HEY HEY. I POKE YOU IN THE BUTT AND YOU SLAP ME ACROSS THE FACE!? Well, in retrospect, that was probably the desired action", you say while rubbing the red hand mark on your face. "What is WRONG with you today!?", Lilly angrily barks at you. "N-Nothing. You butt just looks so... Pokeable", you explain while playing with Lilly's skirt. She swipes her skirt away from you and crosses her arms. "I think you should really go, you're acting positively like an buffoon right now", she explains while keeping up a layer of sophistication. "I'm sorry, look, it won't happen again, I'm honest!" "...", Lilly turns back to her tea making, while keeping an angry look about her. Man, what a stiff. This chick needs to get LAID, big time. "Hisao, if you're not doing something perverse or completely despicable, would you mind handing me the sugar-", Lilly asks with a calm tone. "Hell yes, I wouldn't mind handing you some sugar!"

942

"...Pardon me?" "What?" "I'm sorry, it was just the way you said that... It sounded-.. Never mind it", she goes back to pouring some hot water and stirring some teabags. "Here's your sugar, your majesty!", you pick up the container and clumsily hand it to Lilly. The container spills from the awkward position you hand it in from, and teaspoons of sugar spill across Lilly's blouse. "Whoopsydoodle, let me help you with that-", you blurt out while brushing the sugar off Lilly's blouse... and inadvertently groping her. "...", she appears to be burning up with rage. "Hah... I should stop helping. I'm gonna go sit down now" You kick the tea table chair into the air and flip it around a dozen times, then sit down as it lands perfectly on the ground, setting your feet up on the table in the process. ...Like a boss. You turn your head around to look at Lilly again, she seems to still be mildly angry... ! Oh no! You spot a Black Widow crawling up her skirt! Without thinking, you get up in a panic, walk over to her, and swat/kill/swill the spider with an open palmOh... Shit. You just spanked Lilly. She turns around clenching her teeth and arching her eye brows. "N-NO WAIT! THERE WAS A SPIDER-" A second firm open handed... 'hand' comes in contact with your face in a speed and velocity ratio that will echo eternally throughout your bloodlines.

943

With a red hand print on each side of your face, you sit down in the corner of the tea room and cross your arms in frustration. "HUMPH!", you pout like a child. "I hope this teaches you a lesson on manners, Mr. Necktie", Lilly explains while sipping her tea cup. "MANNERS!? I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE, PROBABLY! AND YOU SLAP ME ACROSS THE FACEOh forget it", you hang your head down. ... Then hang it further down. ... And FURTHER down... ! Lilly is setting across on the other side of the tea table, facing you. If you look down further... Maybe... MAYBE...! "Hisao?", Lilly breaks radio silence. AW... SHIT! "You've gotten awfully quiet in the corner, what is it you seem to be preoccupying your mind with...?" "I was picturing what life was like outside this prison cell", you remark while playing with your shoelaces, acting like you were down there to tie them in case she could tell what was happening. "Well... If you promise you'll be on your best behavior, I suppose I could pour you a glass of tea" "HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER- Wait no, I meant to say, that would be quite delightful, thank you very much"

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"My, what a good thing to hear!", Lilly gets up and makes her way to the tea kettle. You get up and make your way to the table to await your incoming cup of freshly brewed tea-But then your shoe laces seem to be mashed together... "WHOA!", you shout as you trip the second you get up. You instinctively reach out for something to grab onto!*RIP!* ... A spine tingling horror runs down your spine as you accidentally rip off Lilly's clothes and fall to the ground. ...You examine the clothes in your had you seem to have ripped off with your monstrous cripple strength and back up to Lilly. She appears to be frozen in place, wearing nothing but her Victoria's Secret lingerie. "...There is no way my luck is THIS bad" "Ara ara, it looks like you still haven't learned your lesson", Lilly looks your general direction with an ominous glare. And then they all lived happily ever after! The end.

You get up, clear your throat, sober yourself up, and grab hold of Lilly's arm. "OH MON CHERI!", you begin kissing up from Lilly's wrist, "YOU'RE LIKE MY DANDRUFF, I CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD!" *Smooch* *Smooch* *Smooch* "MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE DIARRHEA... I CAN'T HOLD IT IN!" *Smooch* *Smooch* *Smooch*

945

"IS THERE AN AIRPORT NEARBY OR IS THAT JUST MY HEART TAKING OFF?" *Smooch* Smooch* *Smooch* ... "Is any of this working?" Lilly seems to be steadfast, her face turning red with rage. "UH.. UH.. Y-YOUR EYES ARE AS BLUE AS WINDOW CLEANER- NO NO, THAT'S STUPID. UH.. UH.." "..." "LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT! O-OR SLAP YOU ON THE ASS EARLIER!... OR GROPE YOU!" "...Oh...? And what about poking my buttocks?" "Alright, I MAY have meant to do that" Lilly jumps on your and pushes you to the ground, her hands placed firmly around your throat. S-She probably just intends to ring you"ACK!", you exclaim as she applies pressure and begins choking you. "Y-YOU... YOU MONKEY BRAIN!", Lilly screams while shaking your head around in rage. "LILLYICAN'TBREATHE", you blurt out as your eyeballs redden and your face turns blue. Lilly continues shaking you violently! The door creaks open.

946

Hanako appears to be standing by the door... Watching Lilly choke you... On top of you... Wearing nothing but underwear... And the two of you sweaty and red in the face. "...", Hanako blushes fiercely. "HIHANAKO", you blurt out. "EH? H-Hanako? U-uh-", Lilly shakes her head, her face now red from embarrassment instead of anger. "I...I-IGOTTABESOMEWHERERIGHTNOW!", Hanako turns around as dashes out the doorway. Lilly lets her grip around your neck loosen as she covers her chest with her arms, making a embarrassed gesture. "...", a silence fills the room. ... ..... ........ "...God, I am so hard right now", you blurt out.

947

The Drinking Game

You moonwalk into the Art Room, pose, and yell at the flooring. It collapses beneath you, and you stylishly backflip down into the room below. You exit the room and walk outside the school building. Stairs are for chumps and people made out of celery. "SUNLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!", you scream as you walk outside the school building. "SUP NIGGA", the sun points back to you. "AW SHIT SON, WHAT'S HAPPENING?" "MOTHERFUCKING FIRE AND SHIT DOG" "Keep on burning, baby", you remark at the fictional sun that appears to be talking to you, perhaps because of over-medication. Hanako walks by and scoffs. ! You hear a dog barking viciously down the school street. Upon further examination, it's a little Chihuahua with a giant bow-tie unrelentingly yelping up a street light pole. ? There appears to be a schoolgirl trapped up the pole, clinging on for dear life. Should you save the girl? You walk over to the barking Chihuahua and punt him into a conveniently placed basketball hoop. You fucking hate Chihuahua's. The schoolgirl slides down the pole slowly upon realizing the dog has been safely disposed of. ! It's that one bitch from the Student Council!

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Uh... Shi... Something. Shi... lo? ki? Buttfucks? Shizune finally stops at the bottom and stares up to you, confused. "Uh... What was your name agai- Oh right, you're deaf", you ask Shizune. ... She's staring at you... She signs you something in her sign language, but you don't read Russian. "Well, whatever, I'm gonna go now", you reply idly as you run past Shizune and begin backflipping down the school street. Shizune continues to sit there at the bottom of the pole... ...Dazzled. -LUNCH TIMEOh boy, lunch time. The part of the day where people consume vast quantities of chocolate titty juice and chicken. ...But you're a couple minutes late, meaning you're gonna have to wait in the back of the lunch line. A loli missing an ear, arm, and using a wheelchair appears to be in front of you. ...Attention Whore. ! Shizune snaps her fingers next to your ear drum. "OW, SHIT, OW... WHAT!?", you yell at the blue haired student council president. Oh hey, it's that deaf bitch from earlier! She tugs at your shirt, and drags you reluctantly to the front of the line.

949

"NO CUTTING IN LINE!", a random legless man yells out. "H-Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?" "...!", Shizune signs to you yet again, despite you not understanding sign language, with a blushing face. Misha's head pops out of a dessert selection dish, and WAHAHA'S. "SHIICHAN SAYS HIICHAN IS NOW HER NUMBER ONE MOST FAVORITE PERSON... EVER!", Misha yells out with gusto while being covered in chocolate pudding. "Where in the fuck did you come from-" "IN OTHER WORDS HIICHAN, SHIICHAN NOW CLAIMS YOU AS HER BOYFRIEND!", Misha explains with a finger raised, which is covered in pudding. ... Oh, okay. Glad she cleared that up"WHAT!?" Shizune arranges your food for you, somehow knowing exactly what you want, and hands you your food. "...Uh... Thank you?" "...!" "I'LL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF MY BOYFRIEND! WAHAHA!", Misha translates. You take the tray reluctantly, walk away from Shizune, and find a table sit at! Shizune sits down directly next to you, with her full tray of food already assembled. "That was... fast", HAHA, premature ejaculation. "...!" "I DIDN'T WANT TO WASTE A SECOND!", Misha yells into your ear from the opposite side of the table.

950

...But how... "What...ever. I'm gonna eat now, alright?" "...!" "OH, I DON'T MIND AT ALL!", Misha cheerfully translates. Shizune preps her head up in her hands and stares at you love-struck. ... Whatever. You dig your fork into your chocolate covered skittles and open your mouth in preparation! Shizune shoves a fork full of food into your mouth for you, before you could feed yourself. She tilts her head and smiles. "STOP THAT!" You scoot on down away from Shizune and attempt to chow down on your own lunch again. "AHHH~", you raise your fork up! Shizune forcefully shoves a fork full of food into your mouth again, and feeds you. You sigh in castrating frustration. "HEY HISAO! WATCHA EATIN'?", Emi's voice rings out. She lands across the table from you, with a diet bar and only a diet bar on her lunch table tray. "...!" "I DON'T LIKE THAT GIRL, HIICHAN. SAY THE WORD AND I'LL HAVE HER DEPORTED!" "NOBODY'S DEPORTING ANYBODY!"

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Later... At class... You find your homeroom seat only to find your books, pencils, and other school supplies neatly arranged alphabetically on your desk. Goddamn it, Shizune. You spin around and walk into the school room, the floor tiles light up the second you step on themMisha and Shizune seem to be following your example and spin around then walk on the floor tiles, lighting up in the exact same way. "HEY HEY HEY, WHAT THE SHIT!?" "...!", Shizune signs giddily. "THIS IS SO MUCH FUN, HIICHAN! WAHAHA!" "NOBODY, BUT NOOOOOBODY, GETS TO DO THIS RANDOM REALITY WARPING NONSENSE BUT ME", you yell at Shizune. "...!" "Ah Hisao, you're being a spoiled sport! Here, I got your favorite tropical skittles smoothie!" Shizune hands you a dazzlingly awesome shake. ... "What the hell's your deal? Is this all some tricky nonsense to get me into the Student Council?" "...!", Shizune signs vigorously and with a satisfied face. "OF COURSE NOT HIICHAN! Though if you wanna join, you're more than welcome to! MY JOB AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND MEANS I MAKE YOUR FOOD, ARRANGE YOUR EFFECTS, MAKE SURE YOU DRESS RIGHT, DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOU HYGIENE-" "...", Shizune signs with an embarrassed face. "A-AND IF NECESSARILY, SLEEP BESIDE YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHTS REST!", Misha adds the innocently sounding words on purpose. "...Alright, this needs to stop", you put your foot down, which consequently lights up a floor tile.

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"...?" "Stop what?" "You're not my girlfriend. I don't HAVE a girlfriend" "...!" "Sure you do! I'm your girlfriend as of today!" "...", you stare coldly into Shizune. "...", she stares back at you with determination. You half-heartily shrug your shoulders and sigh. "Aight"

953

Cocks n Rocks
So there you were, ejaculating into a water fountain while listening to 'Dust in the Wind' on your stolen Ipod, when you noticed from the corner of your eye, a certain student council duo walking down the hallway. You've always wondered if Shizune and Misha were scissor sisters. They do seem strangely close. "HEY BITCHES!", you suddenly load yourself in front of them like a 8-bit video game. "...!", the blue haired deaf mute bitch Shizune signs to Misha, the pink drill haired airhead. "Hiichan, you're late for student council!", Misha translates as boobs jiggle around in ridiculously inappropriate physics. "Misha, translate what I'm telling you. Shizune, do you mind if I ask you a question?", you open up to the potential carpet munches. "...?" "Yo b, what it is!?", Misha seems to have messed up that last translation or she seems to be a pink haired retard. It's probably a combination of both. "Do you two ride each others ponies?" "..." "Hisao, I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at, Wahaha!" "Do you rock each other's socks? Do you clatter together like tinker toys? Do you hump like bunny rabbits?" "..." "Hiichan, you're confusing us-" "If you walked into a shoe store and saw a bitching pair of boots and an expensive pair of glass slippers, which would you choose?" "...?" "I'd go with the boots for more comfort.. But what does that-" "LESBIAN!"

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You throw a Snickers bar at Shizune, hoping the heterosexual properties of the candy bar would be enough to ward off the gay. "...!" "Hiichan, we're making our daily rounds around school and we're wondering if you'd like to join us!" "HARLOTS! GAYLY GAY GAYS LIKE YOURSELVES DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL" "...That a 'yes'?" "ABSOLUTELY" "ACHOO!", a random girl in a wheelchair sneezes in the middle of the hallway. "FUCK YOU!", you donkey punch the girl's chair from behind and send her flying down the hallway. "...!", Shizune furiously signs to Misha. "Hiichan! That wasn't very Wahahatical!" "THAT BITCH JUST CALLED US A CHOO, THAT'S ALSO A RACIAL SLUR FOR RUSSIANS, WHICH I CERTAINLY AM NOT" "Hiichan, just tag along and try to not hit people unless Shiichan tells you to" "FUCK YOU, DON'T YOU TELL ME MY BUSINESS" The three of you walk into a school room full of deaf students. ...There appears to be a huge drawing of a cock on the chalkboard. "...!" "Alright, who drew this? Fuss up or I'll keep everyone here after class!", Misha translates Shizune's serious words in her stupid airheaded voice. "STAND BACK BITCHES, I GOT THIS SHIT" You walk up to a deaf girl writing notes and pull her chair out from under her butt. "Wha the heyer?", she asks as you manhandle her.

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You pick her up by the blouse collar and get uncomfortably close. "I AM... THE LAW" "O...K?" "WHO DREW THAT PENIS ON THE CHALKBOARD?" "You're speaing too fwast-" You suddenly grasp onto her nipples and twist as hard as humanly possible. "OW! I DID IT! I DID IT!" "CRIMINAL SCUM, PAY A FINE OR FACE THE WORST PURPLE NURPLE OF YOUR LIFETIME" "....!" "Goshdarn it, Hisao! That's not how the law works!", Misha yells excitingly as she waves her fist. "Oh, sorry. I thought we were just walking around twisting peoples nipples" "...?!" "When did I ever even say that?" "Clearly this was a fundamental failure of communication on your part" "...?" "Where are all the bad eggs at? Normally, we'd atleast come across Rin or a couple troublemakers- Hisao, whatcha doing over there?", Misha continues to lazily translate Shizune's sign language. "Tweeting our exact coordinates to everyone in school" "..." "May I ask why!?" "I don't know, I'm bored. Misha's a retard and you're a bitch, neither of you are particularly fun to be around. Unlike me, I'm awesome"

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"...!" "Hisao, you're giving away our locations!" "Tough luck" "...To enemies of the law!" "...THE LAWR!?" "...!" "Misha, comically say 'law' to Hiichan! Oh wait, I messed that up. Hold on... THE LAWRRRRR!", Misha positively responds positively. Ah, if you gave away your position to the troublemakers, maybe you made YOURSELF bored by not giving the potentially lesbian duo anything to do. "Hindsight's always 20/20, unless it needs contacts, then it's sometimes 20/30" "...?" "What?" "What." "What?" "WHAT!?" ! Shizune and Misha suddenly cling to the wall like a poor imitation of stealth game. "...!" "Hiichan, I can smell somebody smoking in the girl's bathroom!", Misha puts on a serious face while translating. "LAWR BREAKERS!? NOT ON MY WATCH!", you attempt to push open the door to the girl's bathroom. "...!"

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"Hiichan, a boy going into the girl's bathroom is AGAINST the law!" "AGAINST THE LAW? I AM THE LAW!" You march into the girl's bathroom, braving the thick layer of smoke inside. ... ...An hour goes by... "...?" "I know, I'm worried too!", Misha responds to Shizune as the two of them wait outside. You emerge from the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and a need for munchies. "Yo", you idly wave to the two student council members. "...?" "Hiichan, did you apprehend the rule breaker?" "Ah... Yeah" "..." "Well, where is she?" "Ah... No, she got away. Crafty one too, it was dark as well, so I didn't like... See who it was" Rin pokes her head out of the bathroom door. "Hey Hisao, are you going on a munchies run?" "Uh... I don't know, what do you want if I do?" "Um... Shit.. Uh... Cheetos" "Blazin' or normal?" "Normal works" "...!" "Is she the one who was smoking, Hiichan? She wreaks of... Something"

958

"..." "...?" "...Maybe" "...........!" "Well, Hisao, you're probably the worst hall monitor in the history of hall monitors. Not only did you abuse your power, but at no point did you actually try to do anything other than hit people. This is the last time we bring you along and you're probably going to be reprimanded at the end of the day. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" "Are you guys lesbians?" "." "No" "What a fucking jip" You hop backwards on one foot towards the end of the hallway and rip your shirt open. "...?" "Hiichan, where are you going?" "I'm going to take out my frustrations of Hanako's anus", you stare up into the ceiling and raise your fist to the sky, "SODOMY, HOOOOOO~!" You magically fly through the ceiling. "..." "Not a goshdarn thing that happened today made a lick of sense... But I am so wet for Misha right now!", Misha suddenly turns around confused, "Wait, I'm Misha?"

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