INTERIOR - CONCERT HALL Instruments are arranged on the stage in a semi circle facing the auditorium.

The seats are empty. There is a conductors stool at the front of the stage. CLARENCE Waves baton ORCHESTRA begins to play SIDNEY Clumps noisily on to the stage, whistling ORCHESTRA tails off CLARENCE Clarence looks disturbed, shakes his head FLUTE emits a high-pitched wailing sound. Cut to lightbulbs --pop-pop-pop-SIDNEY Drags the Conductors stool noisily over to the light. SIDNEY Unscrews lightbulbs slowly. Moves to front of stage. Begins to juggle the lightbulbs. One hits the floor, one hits Clarence ZOOM to Sidney putting lightbulb in pocket CLARENCE Points the baton at the orchestra ORCHESTRA picks up music again SIDNEY Produces a saw and starts sawing at the stool ORCHESTRA raises the tempo and volume SIDNEY Increases rate of sawing CLARENCE Gestures to the orchestra to raise the tempo and volume again SIDNEY Produces circular saw. --Pull-start sound and chainsaw sound SIDNEY Spins around twice, tangles his feet and falls forward. Saw hits the floor and parts ping off.

CLARENCE Visibly relieved, wipes brow

-------- silence--------CLARENCE Tentatively starts orchestra again. SIDNEY Sidney looks annoyed and fiddles with tape measure. SIDNEY Sidney moves towards the trombone. Mirrors the pipes extension by pulling Squeaky Tape Measure in and out repeatedly TROMBONIST Pulls the stopper out aggressively SIDNEY Pops the Lightbulb into the cone. CLARENCE glances at the tuba CLARENCE picks up the Tuba and stuffs it over Sidney. Finish with all instruments playing except the Tuba, which Clarence is using as a step.

CLARENCE Gestures to the orchestra to speed up

The musical score is an arrangement of the Russian folk song Korobeiniki, author unknown and out of copyright.

The first 8 bars are sound trademarked by Tetris Holdings PLC for use on electronic gaming http://tarr.uspto.gov/servlet/tarr?regser=serial&e ntry=77037539

Arrangement and recording C Peters 2012.

Whistle Song possibly Soldier Soldier and performed by G Peters Sound FX by Chrissie except Saw, Chainsaw and Pull-start, and Biong all from PACDV at http://www.pacdv.com/sounds/