You are on page 1of 28

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 Remembering Selina

Jared
I'm going to tell you a story about a girl, a girl who changed my life. She changed my view of life in every aspect. She found the good in every simple thing, and she viewed life differently than anyone else. I never will forget her.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Selina
Leukemia. The doctor whispered, his words sinking deep into my flesh like a deadly poison. What? I whispered in reply. The doctor sighed, a look of sorrow swept over his face. You have leukemia. My mother who had been close to me, who had been holding my hand the whole time, who was supposed to be the strongest person, who was able to withstand any trial that faced her way, still couldn't hide her distress and grieve. She put her face in her hands and sobbed. It is cruel, really, the doctor began, that such an ill fate would be disposed on someone so young, beautiful, and alive such as you. Everything that day seemed to drag on in a blur, me being oddly disconnected with my body, if I were passenger, not driver of my body. The word death seemed to constantly be in my mind, haunting me if it were so close. I will never forget those words, that one simple word that escaped from the doctors mouth, that changed the rest of my life. Leukemia. One simple word that brought me so much pain and doubt. Realization struck me, like a knife stabbed in my heart. I was going to die.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Selina
The late autumn wind cut through my bones but I could still feel the warmth of the sun against my skin. I loved that feeling. It was Monday, and we had just gotten out of school for the day. Last Saturday we had had our biggest cross country meet of the season, and I had gotten 2nd place in the high school girls division, resulting in a big 1st place trophy for our school. So much had happened since then..... I couldn't believe I was giving this up, something I had worked so hard on..... I sat on the bench outside the school, watching life. So many people didn't realize how easy it was for life to be taken away.....So easy indeed. No one appreciates life to its full extent until they realize death awaits them behind the door, the door you are opening, and there was no way to turn back........ Finally the whole cross country team burst through the front doors of the school, getting ready to start practice. Coach Will followed the rest of the team out of the doors. This was my family, people who were my greatest friends, who could laugh about anything, and who could talk to each other about anything. Coach Will made eye contact as I sat on the bench outside the front doors, looking me in bewilderment, why I wasn't dressed for our normal practice. Selina, are you coming to practice? Will asked. Will was in his late 20s, tan, tall, blond, and our coach. As the cross country team realized I approached them they looked at me in bewilderment also. Aren't you gonna get dressed Sel? Rose asked, my best friend, whos spunky attitude never ceased to stop. Ya, Sel, what are you doing? asked Sam. One sec guys, I told them, trying to smile but one hardly coming.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 Will walked with me a few feet away where we could have a little more peace and quiet. Whats wrong, Sel? Will said, being able to read my emotions in the blink of an eye. I sighed, me not being able to look in my coachs eyes, the person who had taught me endurance and strength, but also never to give up. And I was..... Sadness rushed through me as I realized I had to speak the words, words that had replayed over and over in my head over these past two days. Coach, I'm quitting. I said, returning my gaze back to him, his deep tan face, and big blue eyes. He looked at me in utter bewilderment. He then chuckled, Selina, you are the best on this team. Do you realize what you are possibly giving up with this? As he said this tears welled up in my eyes, and I looked at the ground. A tear slid down my cheek slowly. Yes, I do, I whispered. Then why are you quitting? Will said, his voice raising more, and as he did the crowd fell silent. Why? Awestruck faces spread throughout the crowd. Sel is quitting? I heard a few people whisper from the crowd. Every eye was on me. All I could hear was the wind blowing, whipping all of our hair around. I couldn't bring myself to say those words, to tell all my friends my fate. All I truly wanted was for life to be normal, to back to the way it was, for me to be better, not always wondering, thinking in uncertainty of how I was going to die. Guys, I have leukemia, I said picking at my nails, and then looking back up at them again. A tear crept down my cheek. Leukemia. That word I had heard so many times in my life, but I never thought that would be my fate, never had I given that simple word a second thought. Never. I was too young to have my precious moments of life toyed with, and taken away. Horror struck faces spread throughout the crowd. Rose grasped Deriks hand, as if assurance would come silently.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 But Sel, your only sixteen, Sam started, his face pale with fear, but refusing to believe what I had just told him, but then I cut him off. I know, but I do. I whispered. My moms car pulled up, and I started walking towards it without a second glance to the team. I opened up the front door, and climbed inside, refusing to look back. My life would never be the same.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Rose
As Selina drove away, not one person talked whispered or even made one, small sound. We sat there thinking of what was just said, to horrible to be true. I saw tears filling up some peoples eyes. We all looked to Will. It happens. Will replied. Never in my life had I seen Wills voice feel so uncertain. Silence filled the air. The only thing we could hear was the wind howling a cry, as if it was grieving also. Not to Selina. Sam whispered, but loud enough for us to hear him. Selina. Someone who could run miles and hardly break a sweat, who was smart, who could climb to the tops of any tree, who had leukemia. No, not to Selina. I whispered.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Selina
My mom and I drove home in silence. I sat silently and watched out the window as life raced by. I lived with my mom and brother in Tucson Arizona. My dad had recently died last summer in a car crash. His death had changed my life. My dad was driving down to downtown Tucson, which was only about forty five minutes away. Before he had left he kissed all of us, and said I love you, before he raced out of the door. It had been raining all day long, and it had taken only one small turn of the steering wheel to end his life almost instantly. I remember that day perfectly. The rain had kept me trapped inside all day long and when it finally stopped and the sun came out, and I was getting ready to go outside. I longed to feel the muddy ground against my bare feet and the coldness of the air as it entered my lungs. I put my long brown hair in a loose bun, put a pair of short shorts and a tank top, and grabbed my flip flops so it would at least look to my mom I was going to wear shoes. I was reaching for the handle of our big, oak door when I heard my moms voice from the living room. What mom? I yelled through the house. Come here. she replied softly, her voice trembling and the tone of her voice changing, as if her words were being forced from her mouth in pain. Whats wrong? I asked, walking towards the living room. As I entered the living room I saw my mom, her face pale and her recently hung up phone in her hand. My brother older brother, Jack sat on the couch across from her, a tear streaking down his cheek, his face expressionless as he stared off into space. She looked up towards me, her makeup smeared with tears. Your fathers dead, Selina. What I felt that day cannot ever be expressed in words. Never before had life seemed so pointless to me. My father was dead, and would never see him again. For countless nights that summer I would stay up into the deep hours of the night, those last words of my father replaying unstoppable times. I love you. His every

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 expression that day was clear and vivid in my head. Every childhood memory of us together would replay in my mind also. All that was left of him were memories, that no matter how many times would replay in my mind, never measured up to the true happiness of me knowing that he was simply alive. Almost every night that summer I would wake up screaming, my uncontrollable dreams haunting me. I would see my dads mangled, bloody body in the burning car, his body shaking uncontrollably. I would be in the car with him, not a scratch or bruise on myself. I would try to help him, but each time i tried Death would come and take him away forever. That summer was like living in hell.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Selina
How was school? My mom asked as we pulled up our driveway, our big beautiful house at the end of it. Long, endless. I replied. My mom sighed; she had been quite since we discovered the news. We sat there in silence, our car slowly heating up in this September heat. Im going inside, I whispered, as I opened the door to the car. She still remained silent, looking in her lap. I walked up the steps of our balcony, up to our big, oak front door. I walked through our long tiled hallway, and then I came to my bedroom. It was purple, about twenty five feet, by twenty five feet. It had a couch on the right side of it, and my king sized bed on the left. I had a desk with a Mac computer, and a flat screened TV in the right corner. I also had a balcony overlooking all of our land. I put on my usual shorts and tank top, ditching my unconformable school clothes. I then went back outside to see my mom finally closing the door of the car. She automatically knew where I was going without a second glance. Hey, I have to take Jack to football practice soon. Will you be okay here alone? Yes mom, I'll be fine. I replied without looking back at her. And I walked off, to my sanctuary, the one place I could escape the world and its uncertainty, where everything was fine, with the outside world racing around me, filled with its unkindness, where I could escape, to only the thoughts of my own mind. Our backyard was huge; endless in fact. In our backyard there is a huge downward hill, almost a cliff in fact, and then after that there was a hill going upward basically like a cliff also; each time I walked up it my calves were aching within seconds. In between the two hills there was a small, freshwater, rushing river. I started down the downward hill, and then started up the upward hill. On the northern side of the hill there was a huge forest, all of its branches of the trees were entwined into a thicket, hardly navigable, but as a child I explored every secret that lurked in that forest. Finally, when I reached the top of the hill, I could see for miles and miles on end. At the top of the hill there was a tree. I had discovered this tree years ago, and I had climbed it so many times now that I could race to the top, to its very highest branches, and be down before any of the other branches could think about snapping against my weight. I had spent so many summers here at this tree, watching dawn or sunset, or thinking. But whatever I was doing, this was the one place I could escape the uncertainty of life. This was the one place where I could think, without any distractions.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 I climbed to the highest treetops and watched life, such a precious thing..........

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Jared
I sat at my desk, doing endless pages of calculus homework. My phone, next to all my stacked up books, started to vibrate. I had an incoming text coming from Sam, who was a junior. Sam, Jack Hudson, and I had been best friends for years. I picked up my phone, unlocked the pass code, and read the text. Whats up? The text said. I slid open the keyboard to reply. Nothing much, calculus homework. I sent the text. Did you hear about Selina? Sam replied. Selina.........what was wrong with her?? I racked my brain to think of what could have possibly happened to her. Jack would have told me if it was anything serious........ No.....what happened? I sent another text. I didn't get another text until 5 minutes later. As time ticked away, I became even more frantic of what could have happened to her. As soon as I was beginning to think that Sam wasn't going to answer back, my phone vibrated again, and I frantically picked up my phone, desperate to know what could happened to her. Maybe its not in my authority to tell you........... Sam replied back. I racked my brain again thinking why he couldn't just simply just tell me what happened.....unless it was something serious. I picked up my phone and moved my fingers across the keyboard as fast as they could. Why the hell cant you just tell me what happened Sam? I have just the right to know as you. I sent the text as fast as I could, desperate to receive an answer. Seconds raced by, until what felt like hours. Fine, I thought. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. His phone rang, and rang, and rang. What? Sam finally answered. Just tell me, Sam. I said, my voice shaking, knowing that they wouldn't keep a secret from me unless it was bad. Sam sighed on the other line. You wont like it, Jared. It would probably hurt you most of all, Sam's voice faded out. Hes probably right, I thought to myself. Selina......I loved her. Fine. I replied back to Sam. Ill ask her myself. I replied back again, ending the call and racing out my door.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 The Hudson's and my family shared land....well our land bordered each others. Our parents had been friends all throughout college and high school, and about 18 years ago they both bought land next to each other and both built their dream house, as they called it. I slammed the screen door of the kitchen and started running down the long gravel road that connected our house to the Hudson's. The September sun of Tucson made me break out in sweat within minutes. I breathed hard. My chest pounded uncontrollably. Sweat burst from my body. But I refused to stop. I had to know. I didnt know what was driving me, driving me two think of the worse, but I was, and I couldnt live in this doubt. I rounded the corner of her driveway, her house came into view. I opened the front, wooden, oak door, and raided through the house only to realize no one was home. There was one more possible place that Sel was, where she could escape life, where she had spent one summer, grieving and in pain. I ran out the balcony door, ran down the steps, and to the one place that Selina could be. As I got to the top of the hill, I could see her figure in the treetops, watching the sun as it crept towards the horizon. Sel? I called out. Selina turned towards me in confusion, her face streaked with tears. Jared? she whispered. I sighed... What happened, Sel? Nothing, she started..... What happened? I replied, and as I said this, she looked away. She sighed. Im sick, Jared, she said looking back at me. With leukemia. She whispered, tears beginning to stream back down her face. When she said that word, my body shuddered in pain. Not Sel, no she couldn't have leukemia. Not beautiful Selina, who I had known for so long, who I loved. Those words seemed too terrible to be true. Don't say that to me Sel. I replied, forcing tears not to come, looking deep in her eyes for some sign of reassurance, some sign that she was fine, and we could continue life without any fear or doubt. None came. Jared, she began I do. She sighed again. Never before have I looked at life in this perspective, Jared. Never before has Death seemed so close, never before have I cherished every moment I spend, in fear, that it might be my last breaths alive. Sel, youre not going to die. Not like this, not now. I said, my voice cracking in fear, trying to reassure her, but I couldn't even reassure myself. There was silence; the only thing we could hear was our own breathing. Maybe its not that bad, Death. Sel began.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 When Sel said these words, I was not only fearful, but angry, angry that she could possibly not have any hope, angry that she could possibly and willingly let her life diminish. Sel, have you lost all courage and faith? You are the one that wired your brain to believe you could accomplish the impossible. I said, words flowing from my mouth not knowing where they had come from. Doctors say its not looking good. Sel replied once again. I looked back up at Selina, as she sat in the tree. You can get through this, Sel, and we will be there with you, step by step. I promise There was silence. Slowly, the sun crept towards the horizon, before it had completely fell, its last rays being the only light in the endless sky. I should probably go. Sel finally said, breaking the long silence. Before it gets to dark. She started making her way down from the tree, her feet, hands, and her whole body moving in a fluid motion, as if she knew every part of the tree so well. As she neared the last branch, lowering herself down, her feet slipped, and as she fell, almost in slow motion, my only instinct was to reach out my arms, and try to catch her. She fell into my arms, as she had just had just fallen 5 feet. My arms ached as all her weight went down on my arms. I held her there for the slightest moment, her in my arms. I looked in her blue eyes and she look in mine for small moments, and then she looked away. "Sorry," I stammered, putting her down. "Thanks." She said, her feet now on the ground, but refusing to look at me. The sun was shining for the last minutes of the day, it's rays barely lighting the orange and pink horizon, and the dark blue sky that sunlight had already escaped, hovering over our heads. We stood there in a few moments of silence, no one knowing what to say or do. I still remember those moments perfectly. Sels brown hair blew in the wind, but it was still remained flawless, and even with hardly any light, her intense blue eyes seemed to pierce through the shadows and look right though me, as if she could see into my heart and mind, my ever mistake or decision I had made in this life vulnerable for her to see. "Thanks, Jared, she said, breaking the long silence, returning her gaze back onto me. "For what?" I replied. She sighed, returning her gaze back to the world around her, being light up by the sun's red and misty shadows. "For listening." she finished, and started the walk back to her house. I stood there, thinking of all the things Sel had told me. Her life had changed so dramatically in just a small amount of time. It would never be the same.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Selina
Chemotherapy would begin on Monday, the 24 of December, almost 2 months after being diagnosed. I was ready to start looking for some cure, and not feel constantly vulnerable with the sickness eating inside of me. I was ready for some small hope...... School seemed to drag on in a haze and blur. As I would walk past people in the hallway, I could see a look of pity shadow there face. My thoughts were never clear; every time I tried to think everything was indistinct. It was like a veil was in between my own thoughts and the gnawing reality that zoomed past me. Jared was right; people would be with me every step I took, but I still felt like I was cast out, different than anyone else. Weeks passed by, ticking away; possibly my last moments. When Jared would come over to hang out with Jack he would always ask me how I was, and act differently than normal. It was if our secret talk had changed him, changed his perspective of me in a way. Before that talk, he had just been like a brother to me, just my older brother's friend, just a boy I had grown up with, but now, his sandy blond hair, blue eyes, built arms, and Tucson tan skin had changed the way I thought of him also. At school I had met his gaze several times, like that one night he had caught my one small fall out of that tree. Some spark had been litten in my heart that day, a spark that in the future never died out. As my treatment neared, I wanted some hope, but I dreaded for that day to come. Doctors warned I might have constant stomach aches, nausea, and slowly my hair might fall out as a result of the chemicals put into my body. Why had I never

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 appreciated what my body simply for what it was and what it could do before all this had happened?

Selina
The day of treatment finally came. Mom took me to the hospital while Jack was at school. We sat in the waiting room, what felt like hours. Finally the doctor called my name, and I stepped forward. Those steps to the doctors office were the longest in my life. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and the infected blood as it flowed through my body. The doctor who was the one that told me I had leukemia sat me down on the patient table and took my heart beat, blood pressure, and looked in my mouth. "So Selina, how are you feeling?" Doctor Jacobson asked. I sat still, thinking of what I what I really did feel. "Anxious. Scarred. A small part of this huge world." "Well," Doctor Jacobson started, "Hopefully this treatment give you back the life that you used to live." I nodded, just wanting for this to be over. My mom came over to the patient table and held my hand. Doctor Jacobson approached my table with a huge needle, filled with a clear liquid that might change my life. I closed my eyes, as if it would draw away the pain of the needle being injected into my skin and deep into my veins. I felt a stab, almost going slow motion through my arm. I clenched my moms hand tighter and tighter, and closed my eyes harder and harder. Finally treatment ended, and my mom and I returned home. I sat in my bedroom for a while until I couldnt take it anymore. I sat in my tree, watching, watching the wind blow, and the tree's sway, and the sun as it made and arc throughout the sky, and the hills and mountains that surrounded me. I really was a small part of this huge world. Lately I had been so

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 concerned of what the rest of my life was going to be like, as if all the problems of the world zoomed around me. There was so much more. Being here alone brought some sort of clarity and icy thinking that I hadn't had in weeks. Weeks passed by, and over time, I almost forgot about my problems. I neared my second treatment. It was the 20th of January, and I had gotten out of school a little early. We went to the hospital and I got injected through the vein with the medicine, the same as the first treatment. The doctors gave me pills to take once a week. About a week after the 2nd treatment, I had to go into the hospital again for a checkup. The doctors had to do a series of tests including red and white blood cell counts. Overall, I was doing better. The chemo was kicking in quite fast. For once in a long time, I had hope. Time flew by. Before I could grasp onto it, it slipped through my fingers. Months passed, and I started to forget about all my problems. It was like I was just normal again. February, March, and April zoomed by. It was May 5th, the 6th appointment of injected treatment. It continued like any other treatment, and I continued to take my pills. Through the beginning of May all students were slammed with homework and studying for finales. About two weeks after my 6th treatment my first side effects of the drugs began....... I stayed home the 20th of May, all week. I had no energy at all and I had completely lost my whole appetite. I had a pounding headache that set my whole head on fire. I just sat in my bed, not moving, barely thinking. Slowly, strips of my long, brown hair I had worked so hard to grow out started coming out, a side effect of the chemo. I forced myself to go to school that next week, desperate to finish the last week of school. Before I knew it, my junior year of high school was over. My brother, Sam, and Jared all graduated. I was glad for summer. The break from school gave me some time to think, to be alone without raging reality around me. The chemo still had its side effects. I couldnt think clearly, which was one the most angering side effects. It all started the third week of summer. I couldnt sleep. I laid in bed and let the small morning breeze creep through my open window. And then I couldnt take it anymore. I got up; put my long, wavy brown hair in a loose bun, put on my flip flops, and silently crept out of the house. It was about 5:30 in the morning, and I hadnt slept all night long. It was one of the long nights where your whole previous day races through your head over and over again. Every childhood memory raced by in a hazy fog, driving me mad. I opened up our oak door, escaping. Dew fogged the ground. The smell of the air made my mind clear, my thoughts clear, vivid, and icy. My bare feet ran across the soft, cold ground. I ran, ran up and down the hills, my body like it used to be, invincible, able to do anything.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 As I approached my tree there was already a figure, sitting on the ground, back slummed against the trunk of the tree, looking at the world. Their face was shadowed, but as I drew nearer their features became more clear and recognizable. Tan from being in the Tucson sun. Sharp cheek bones and jaw. Sandy blond hair. It was Jared. "Jared?" I asked him. He jumped. "Oh, Sel, sorry," He said, stammering, getting up and ready to leave. "No, no, no, it's fine." I said sitting down next to him. "So, what are doing here?" I asked. He sighed. "You were right Sel. This is the one place anyone can think clearly. Everything here is mind opening." "Its amazing isn't it?" I whispered. "Yes." The sun began to come over the horizon, all of life awakening with it. "What makes the sun rise," Jared began, "or the stars shine, wind to blow, or rain to fall? Whats driving it? I dont think any of us can know here, Jared." That day, me and Jared talked for hours into the day. We talked about everything. Jared understood me, my constant need to be outside, to feel the beating sun against your skin, and the cold ground against my feet..... I went back to my house at noon, my face and arms sunburned from the raging sun outside. I went to my room and fell asleep. I woke up three days later in the hospital........

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Jared
Sam and I had just finished touring Tucson college and were driving home. It was about 12 at night. Sam was driving. We were messing around and singing with the radio. I had told Sam to stop messing around and pay attention to the freeway, but after a while it didnt matter. Semis were zooming by, going over 75 miles per hour. Both Sam and I were laughing, and I punched his arm, without even thinking how stupid it was. The steering wheel lurched to the left, and brought us right in front of a truck. Small moments after I had pushed the steering wheel forward, I knew what was going to happen, and all I could do now was wait. The truck hit us and it was the worse feeling I have ever felt. The impact lurched my neck forward and made my whole body scream, like it was on fire. Our car rolled about four times, breaking all the glass of the windows, and sending it both into mine and Sam's skin. "Sam?" I barely managed to whisper when our car had finished rolling. He didnt answer. I felt warm blood as it seeped through my clothes. My head spun. Everywhere screamed like a fire was demolishing it. All I could do was wait helplessly as pain spread, waiting for the sirens to signal that help was on the way. Suddenly everything was consumed into darkness.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Selina
I woke up to my mom stroking my hair and sweat engulfing my whole body. I sat up fast, making my whole body tremble and a piercing pain run up my spine and into my head. I fell back down onto my pillow and my bed that was wet with my sweat. "What happened mom?" I whispered tears falling down my cheeks. "Whats wrong with me?" "Sshhh." my mom said. "Just stay calm." "No, whats wrong with me?" I said crying even harder, tears falling down my face quick. "Its okay, Sel, It's okay," my mom said trying to reassure me again. I went into panic, desperate to know. "Am I going to die?" I whispered. My mom left my side and exited the hospital room, tears flowing down her cheeks. I cried for half an hour, not even taking to notice the few nurses that came and checked on me once a while. What the hell was wrong with me, I thought to myself. I cried myself into my dreams. In my dreams I was myself, my mind filled with the icy clarity that I got from being outside. I flew through the air doing twists and turns, falling through the air, invincible, and right before I hit the ground I would slow, only to fly hundreds of feet back into the air again. I flew across all my familys endless land. I flew past my tree, only to see two people already there. I soared to the ground to see who these people were. It was Jared, and a girl, a girl who I didnt recognize. "Jared?" I called out. He didnt look at me. He didnt hear me. A wave of sadness rushed through him as he knelt next to the girl who lay next to him, a girl

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 whose eyes were shut, and her body looked cold, whose long brown hair was spread out on the ground. The girl was me, and I was dead. Jared cried into his hands as he looked at me. "Sel." He cried. "Oh Sel, how could I let this happen? I love you," he cried at my dead corpse on the cold ground. I knelt next to the girl also, me also crying, my tears falling onto myself. Jared got up and started walking away. "Where are you going?" I asked him, but he still didnt look at me. It was only him and Sel, not me. He picked hundreds of white blossoms that were on my tree. He knelt next to Sel again, and put all the flowers in her beautiful, long, wavy brown hair. "Sel don't leave me," he cried into his hands. "Don't go." Sel's body turned into a silver mist, and the wind swept it away of into the distance, leaving one, small, white blossom in her place. Jared picked up the white blossom. "Death can't separate us." A gust of wind came and carried me away as I watched Jared, alone now. That gust of wind carried me back to reality. My eyes remained shut, but I listened to the voices that sat in the chairs next to my hospital bed. "What?" my mom said, her voice concerned. "Their car rolled four times. A semi I hit them full on." Jack's voice replied. Are they okay? I dont know. Jack replied. "Where were they driving from at 12 at night?" "Tucson College. Touring around for next semester." I gasped. Jared had told me Sam and him were going to tour Tucson College. I was desperate to know more, but my mom and Jack walked out the door, leaving me alone, to think of what could have happened to Sam and Jared. I woke up with someone stroking my hair. I turned around, to see Jared's face. "Jared." "Sel." I sat up quickly, bringing pain, but I refused to let that stop me. I embraced him and he embraced me, him being careful of my fragile and weak body. "Oh, Sel, thank god you're okay." Jared whispered in my ear. "Jared, what happened to you?" I said looking at the bandage that wrapped around his head and arms. "Just a stupid, pathetic mistake. I'm more worried about you than me, Sel." "What happened to me, Jared?" I asked. Jared sighed. "When you came home, you had a raging fever. Your mom was at a business meeting, and luckily since Jack hadnt seen you all day, came in and checked on you. Thank god he did, because at the time you had a fever of about 105, almost enough to kill a person. He carried you out to his truck and rushed you to the hospital. The doctors say you have a condition where your white blood cells are extremely low, not because of your cancer, but chemotherapy. The treatment has

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 killed thousands of your white blood cells, which triggered an infection. Youre lucky to be alive, Sel. With that fever, you would have been able to last through the night." As Jared spoke these words, relief filled through me. "You kept your promise, Jared." "What was my promise?" Jared asked. "Staying with me, every step I have taken. I went home that next week after my blood cell count went up. The leukemia was fine, in a dormant state. Weeks passed the majority of them spent with Jared as he helped me. That week and a half spent in a hospital bed drained me. At the beginning of August I went in for another checkup. I felt fine, in fact, great. Spending time with Jared had helped me. Like any other checkup this was the same. Results came in that next week..... My mom and I sat in the waiting room. No matter how I had felt before receiving my results of the last checkup, no matter if I felt pain or not, or was recovering or not, that never stopped me from being nervous. My stomach seemed to be dropping thousands of miles at a time. "Selina?" A doctor said, coming out of the door. I stood as I heard my name called. My mom gave me a nudge forward. "Right this way Selina," the nurse told me. My mom followed us. "Mrs. Hudson," the nurse said, "Doctor Jacobson wants to see you in his office." My mom looked confused but nodded. "Will you be okay, Sel?" my mom asked, turning back towards me. "Yes, mom, Ill be fine." The nurse led a hospital room, similar to all the others. It had the same smell of disinfectant. "So how are you feeling?" The nurse asked me, a pen at the ready, ready to write anything down on her clipboard held in her other hand. "I feel fine. Better than normal, in fact." "Are you suffering from any side effects of the chemo, such as headaches, fatigue, or nausea?" The nurse asked "I know this sounds crazy but I can hardly think strait anymore, unless I'm outside." I replied again. "Anything else?" The nurse asked, like she was in a hurry. "No." The nurse opened the door to the room. "The doctor and your mom will be here shortly," the nurse said, smiling at me and then left me all alone. I listened to the clock, aware of its every tick. Time seemed to slow. And slow. And slow. Finally the doctor opened the door, followed by my mom. The doctor put a forced smile on his face, but refused to look in my eyes, as if he was in fear to give something away by doing so. My mom's cheeks were rosy and blotched, with her mascara and makeup smeared.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 She had been crying. I remember those moments precisely. "Whats wrong?" I said looking at them both, knowing that the doctor had told my mom something, something I didnt know. Doctor Jacobson put on his glasses and looked at the clip board, the one that the nurse had just filled out. "Are you feeling okay lately, Selina?" "Why do you even ask me that?" I asked in anger. "You know as good as I do. Just tell me...What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked, my voice rising. The doctor took of his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He sighed. "Selina.....the leukemia has come back. It is taking over your blood and all over your body. We are seeing small amounts of the cancer moving to all your other organs such as lungs, liver, and kidneys. A blood transfusion would be almost pointless with so little time you have left. I'm sorry." A sensation of coldness spread throughout my body as the doctor said these words. The only emotion I could feel was sadness. I was going to die. I had told myself those words so many times already but for once, I knew these words were true. For once I had hope coming into my vision but that small light that started growing in my heart was blown out and an evil darkness had replaced it. As I walked out of that hospital room that day, I could feel my dying heart beating hard. Life is like a run. We have to sprint towards the finish line, no matter what life brings us. We have to keep going, no matter what is faced our way. There was no going back to my old life. It had passed. I had spent so much of my life wasting precious time. Once it is spent there is no way of getting it back. When I got home, I refused to waste any time. I got out my journal and started to write, a place where all my emotions could escape and be let go. August 15, 2015 Dear beloved family and friends, If you are reading this it means my soul has passed, gone to a place that I only hope is good, that I hope is as good as this life. I learned almost a year ago that I had leukemia, and from that moment on I knew I was going to die. When it would look that I was beginning to get better, I would become hopeful, but deep down in my heart I knew these were my last moments living. I have never looked at death in this perspective before. Before my dad died almost 2 years ago, death was just a simply way of life. Never before I would have thought I would die before I was 18, before I had fully lived life to its extent. Time can be taken from our grasp so easily.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 I can only hope that I see you all again. You have changed my life. Please don't grieve for me. I'm going to a place where I cant feel pain or sorrow. Everything will turn crystal clear. Jared, I love you, I love you so much. You have been with me, step by step, fulfilling your promise until the very end. Your promise must die with me and I must go alone. No matter what, death cant separate us. The dead who we truly love never really leave us. We recall them more clearly than ever in times of trouble. My father never left me after he died. Through times of uncertainty and trouble it was like I could hear his voice. And soon, I will be back in his arms, not even death parting us. One journey must end, and the other must being.... -Selina I ripped out the letter and put in an envelope. I slipped in my pocket. Throughout the next three days I held the note close to me. I held it in my hands as I went to sleep every night, in fear, these breaths might be my last. Each morning I woke up, but each hour spent, growing weaker and weaker. On Thursday I sat on the couch, watching .waiting. I could barely move. Each night before I would fall asleep, I would see my mom and Jack, praying for some miracle. For something to happen. At noon, Thursday, the 18 of August, during almost every summer day when I would be outside, Jared came bursting through the front door. "Jared?" "Jared, what are you doing?" My mom asked, as Jack came running down the stairs to see who had made the intrusion. "I just heard the news," his voice shaking, panting as if he had ran, sprinted towards our house to know... No one spoke a word. "Yes well, what do you need?" My mom said tiredly. She hadn't slept in days. She refused to leave my side while I slept. "Can I talk to her?" Jared asked. "Can we go outside? One last time?" I whispered, my small voice requiring a huge amount of energy. My mom whimpered and nodded. Jared picked me up gently, careful of my sick body. I kissed my mom and Jack goodbye. Jared carried me out the open oak door, and into the sunshine. Even at my death the sun let me think clearly. Jared held me tight as he walked up the hill, towards the top of everything. I held him tight also.........I wouldn't let go. Finally we reached the top of the hill that I hadn't seen in days. So little time for all this to change. ..... Jared laid me down on the ground and him lying down next to me and slipped his fingers through mine.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 "Sel....." he began, "I'm so sorry." "Jared," my whispers faint and soft, "don't start saying your goodbyes yet." "I love you Sel." he whispered. "I love you to, Jared." The wind blew, silence spreading. "The sun will rise tomorrow, Jared, and the stars will shine, and the wind will blow, and rain will fall. Without me. You will see one more star in the heavens tomorrow, Jared. Your life will go on without me. Just please Jared, don't dwell on the past. Life only comes once......." Tears silently crept down Jared's face. "Life's hardly worth living without you, Sel." Silence. "Life seems hardly living without loved ones. But we go one, we learn to face the darkness everyday, without them, in hope, in hope that we will see them again, and recall them in life even in the darkest of places. When father died I had no chance to tell him my real goodbye. I had no chance to look at his face one last time, to grasp every living detail before. I lay in bed for weeks, life seeming so pointless without my father living, without having the reassurance that you will wake up the next day and know he was going to be alive. He had died without knowing, without having a small amount of remaining time to enjoy before it was all gone. Never before had I looked at death as I did then. My father was dead and there was no going back. So one day, I couldn't shell up the grieve inside me anymore, I had to let it go. I had to feel pain for him; I had to suffer like he did. I ran. I refused to stop, or slow down. I made every muscle burn like it was on fire; I made my chest pound like a beating drum, unstoppable. Every time I would run, I would remember my father, and every time, I could feel him inside of me. The dead never truly leave us. We recall them more clearly than ever in our times of trouble. I will meet him again..." "But Sel, what if this is the end? What if there is no other stronger force driving us? What if death is the end?" "It's not, Jared." Silent moments passed. "I'll never leave you Jared." As I said these words the world became unclear. I saw a misty hand reach towards me and I grasped onto it, leaving Jared and my corpse behind. Suddenly, everything became crystal clear, everything in this life making sense.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

Jared
Selina died moments after those simple words had escaped her lips: "I'll never leave you." I cried for a long time, refusing to believe that she was gone. She couldn't be. Blossoms from the tree hovering over us fell off the tree, spinning to the ground. I gathered the white blossoms that were like Sel in every way: beautiful and full of deep secrets some people might never know. I put the flowers in her wavy, long brown hair, as she lay motionless. In her hand was an envelope sealed, that I hadn't seen before. I gently took the envelope and started to read. August 15, 2015

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 Dear beloved family and friends, If you are reading this it means my soul has passed, gone to a place that I only hope is good, that I hope is as good as this life. I learned almost a year ago that I had leukemia, and from that moment on I knew I was going to die. When it would look that I was beginning to get better, I would become hopeful, but deep down in my heart I knew these were my last moments living. I have never looked at death in this perspective before. Before my dad died almost 2 years ago, death was just a simply way of life. Never before I would have thought I would die before I was 18, before I had fully lived life to its extent. Time can be taken from our grasp so easily I can only hope that I see you all again. You have changed my life. Please dont grieve for me. I'm going to a place where I cant feel pain anymore, or sorrow, where the sickness has gone for me forever. Everything will turn crystal clear. Jared, I love you, I love you so much. You have been with me, step by step, fulfilling your promise until the very end. Your promise must die with me and I must go alone. No matter what, death cant separate us. The dead who we truly love never really leave us. We recall them more clearly than ever in times of trouble. My father never left me after he died. Through times of uncertainty and trouble it was like I could hear his voice. And soon, I will be back in his arms, not even death parting us. One journey must end, and the other must being.... -Selina "I will always remember you Sel." I whispered, folding the note, silent tears falling down to the hollow earth.

Her funeral was the next day, and just as Sel had said, it rained without her. She lay in a coffin, her brown hair decorated with white blossoms. She was in a white, simple dress. Everyone wore black, mourning for the loss of Selina Hudson, but she wore white, as if she were rejoicing: going to a place where there would be no more pain and suffering. It was terrible watching her being raised down into the depths of the ground, where it was cold and unforgiving. I dropped a bouquet of white flowers in her grave after guests began to leave. One last goodbye, I whispered to the depths of the ground . "I love you, Sel, tears rolling down my cheeks, falling to her grave. Sels mom and Jack stayed with me. Jack held an umbrella over him and his mother. I just let the rain drip down my skin, its coldness being a constant reminder that I was still alive.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 After, we went to Sels funeral service at a nearby church. A pastor first talked and then people were invited to come and speak about Sel. Will went up, followed by Sam, Sels mom, and Derrick. Rose stood and started walking to the front of the church after Derrick had finished. There were already tears in Roses eyes. "Sel....was my best friend." She began. "She was there for me at my times of need. She was a true friend. She was honest about her opinion, and even though she remained superior to anyone else, smart, kind, and forgiving, in her mind, she was never better than anyone else. She was kind and caring to worst of people. She viewed life in a different perspective than anyone else here. Sometimes we are so obsessed and concerned about the possessions we have and what our social status is, but Sel never cared any of that. All Sel ever wanted to was to make precious memories of this life, to get the most out of the little time we have here. To receive true happiness. She knew that lust and items never mattered, but rather what and who we became that became mattered the most. Most importantly, Sel loved, she loved unlike any person I know. I think Sel has changed all of our lives. She has taught me in so many ways. And even though she lays motionless and cold in the ground she is still here. In this room, listening to all of us. And even though she is passed and we all ask Oh God why her?, How could you let her die, the best of all of us? she is not truly gone. She will only be truly gone if we forget her. If we forget he example, and her life. She is an example to all of us." Rose silently walked down from the stand, her steps echoing throughout the large room. We all sat in silence. Emotions burned inside of me like a raging fire, consuming me until my heart faltered, and suddenly before I knew it, my feet were moving, walking up to the front of the room, my heart pounding. "I was the last one to talk to Sel." I began, looking down at all the people that loved Sel also. "She changed my life. Not for one small part of my life I will stop thinking about her. She will always be in my heart." As my words came tears started to come to my eyes. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the note, the note that Sel, alive and living then had written just days before, her hand brushing the paper a short time ago, the note I had read so many times, like if it would bring Sel back "Sel wrote this," I said, unfolding the note, my hands shaking. "Dear beloved family and friends, if you are reading this it means my soul has passed, gone to a place that I only hope is good, as good as this life." I began, my tongue flowing through the words, having read these words over and over again. "I learned almost a year ago that I had leukemia, and from that moment I knew I was going to die. When it would look that I was beginning to get better, I would become hopeful, but deep down in my heart I knew these were my last moments living.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 I have never looked at death in this perspective before. Before my dad died almost two years ago, death was just a simply way of life. Never before I would have thought I would die before I was 18, before I had lived my life to its full extent. Time can be taken from our grasp so easily...... I can only hope that I see you all again. You have changed my life. Please dont grieve for me. I'm going to a place where I can't feel pain or sorrow. Everything will turn crystal clear." As I spoke these words, these were the ones that hit me the most. I continued reading. "Jared, I love you. I love you so much. You have been with me, step by step, fulfilling your promise until the very end. Your promise must die with me, and I must go alone. No matter what, death can't separate us. The dead who we truly love never really leave us. We recall them more clearly than ever before in our times of trouble. My father never left me after he died. Through times of uncertainty and trouble it was like I could hear his voice, guiding me through this life. And soon I will be back in his arms, not even death parting us. One journey must end, and the other must begin........" Selina," I whispered. Life will go on, I whispered. Time will continue and we will go on with our lives, without Selina. But one thing is for certain. There will always be part of our hearts, my heart, left for Selina. Her spirit will continue, in our hearts. Not one day will go by without thinking of her. We will have our times of trouble, and we will remember the girl, the strong, brave girl who fought to the very end. We will remember her. We will always remember Selina.

You might also like