This is going to make me tougher.

Its going to make me understand on an emotional rather than just intellectual level, that I cannot make everyone happy. Its going to teach me independence and security in myself. The independence I will learn is based in a conviction, a resolution, a resignation, an acceptance of the truththat I dont have to get everything exactly right. I am learning a freedom to not be perfect. A freedom to be human. A willingness to look at my efforts, see that they fell short of a particular standardwhether that standard is objective or based in my own expectationsand to be content with that. Everything a human being does, every way a human being is, does not have to be spectacular. I am going to learn the great freedom that comes from accepting the possibility of being unimpressive, limited, and misunderstood. This does not mean that I wont care or that I wont try or that I will set my expectations low. It means that I will set my expectations high but yet feel free and comfortable if I dont meet them to the letter, exactly, all the time. I am learning to be unsurprised when situations circumstances, including my emotions and the emotions of othersaffect my ability to reach a goal. As an emotional human being, as a being whose existence is limitation, as one person, of course I will not achieve every plan I set in motion. Of course there will be misunderstanding, there will be local failures, there will be temporary setbacks, there will be interactions that dont come off perfectly. Disapproval is a human response just as much as acting in a way that deserves disapproval is a result of being human. Of course people will disapprove of me. They will do that in part because everyones opinion and experiences are different and in part because I will occasionally give them good reasons to do so. It is impossible and undesirable for me to attempt to be all things to all people. Others will disapprove because it is the condition of my being human for me to act in ways that are not magnificent. I will not always teach a magnificent section. I will not always write a magnificent paper. I will not always relate magnificent anecdotes. I will not always have a magnificently efficient day. I will not always act magnificently in social settings. I will occasionally depend on others approval too much, occasionally be too thin-skinned, occasionally be divided, occasionally be too condescending, occasionally be too fake, occasionally be too controlling, occasionally be too moody, occasionally be too vain, occasionally be too insincere. Im working to avoid these things; it is not my goal to be any of these things, to be sure. But its OK if I dont always reach my goals. Its OK for me to make mistakes. Its OK if people judge me. Its OK if they dont feel affection toward me. They are judging a human being. It would be silly and shortsighted for everyone to conclude that Im perfect.

Is it not a relief to give up the imperative to be perfect? Is it not a relief to not require everyones affection? People may not find me charming. People may not appreciate my humor. People may find my qualities more irritating than likeable. Thats OK. Life is not a popularity contest. Im not out to divide my emotions and attentions to the whims of others. I am not a politician. I am not running for reelection. If people misunderstand me, or understand me and value different ways of being, or understand me and dont give room for my human failings, so what? People are busy, some of them have sticks up their asses, and most of these detractors will just be well-meaning people from whom I differ. And still others may judge my weaknesses insightfully and fairly and still feel no particular affection toward me. While their judgments are correct, their emotions toward me are neither right nor wrong. Anne Flaherty knows all of my weaknesses and still likes me, for instance. Emotions of others are not something it is my duty to control. I am a captain of a ship. It is a good ship. I am trying to get where I am going. The responses of other people towards me are the wind and the waves. Just work with them. Dont wait until everything calms down completely before you focus on your destination. Just drive.