Are you addicted to praise?
By
Martha Beck
, Oprah.comMarch 5, 2012 -- Updated 1249 GMT (2049 HKT)Flattering sidekicks may be aiding your addiction to praise.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
•
Identify symptoms to separate malignant narcissistic supply from healthy humaninteraction
•
Reacting to praise by feeling paralyzed with shame can signal a "dry drunk" praiseaddiction
•
Praise addiction is complex because it's impossible to simply eliminate your drug of choice
-- You'd have admired Sarah if you'd met her when I did. She was beautiful, brilliant, charming, the CEO of her company, the life of the party. She thrived on all thatadmiration; you could feel it in the razzle-dazzle energy that drew people to her like flame- bound moths.You'd never have suspected that Sarah was an addict, unless you'd seen her a few hours after she'd glowingly received an award or ovation, when she was curled up in bed, anxious, needy,already jonesing for a fix.Sarah was abusing something more powerful, insidious, and accessible than any street drug: theadoration and esteem of others that some psychologists call narcissistic supply. Simply put, shewas addicted to praise.
Her entire life revolved around eliciting positive attention from others, and she succeededmagnificently -- but always insufficiently. Being praised launched her briefly into manicgiddiness, then dropped her into troughs of depression that made King Lear look like HowdyDoody. You may have some experience with this particular addiction. And your backgroundmay have put you at risk.If your parents linked their acceptance to your achievements, if you were educated in acompetitive system, if you ever participated in sports, theater, a job, motherhood -- in short, if you live in this world -- then you've been set up to get hooked on praise. Now, you may be the unusual individual who's untouched by praise addiction. You may savor compliments without wanting them, enjoy performing well even if no one notices, loveworking whether or not you're succeeding. If so, you have my deepest respect (and you don'treally care).But if you ever walk in Sarah's fashionable, excruciating shoes -- seeking approval obsessively,riding increasingly painful waves of hollow elation and overwhelming despair -- it's time tosober up.Oprah.com: How to find your emotional balance
Appraise the praise: Are you an addict?
Separating malignant narcissistic supply from healthy human interaction is an uncertain business, but if you have the following symptoms, pay attention.
Sign #1: Infinite praise tolerance.
Everyone likes praise, up to a point. "The normal person,"writes Sam Vaknin, PhD, in his book "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited", "is likely towelcome a moderate amount of attention -- verbal and nonverbal -- in the form of affirmation,approval, or admiration. Too much attention, though, is perceived as onerous and is avoided."I feel this way when kindly strangers introduce me as a public speaker; they cite jobs I held 20years ago, quote complimentary bloggers who've confused me with Martha Stewart, throw outwild ad libs to disguise the fact that no one present has ever heard of me. This evokes in me theweird blend of pleasure, gratitude, and revulsion I'd feel if the emcee publicly fondled my toes.If you feel this way when someone really pours on the praise, you're probably not a true praiseaddict. A worst-case user has absolutely no upper limit on praise tolerance; such a person, asVaknin puts it, "is insatiable.He directs his whole behavior, in fact his life, to obtaining pleasurable tidbits of attention." I'veseen this with many clients like Sarah. They can absorb astonishing amounts of praise,quantities that would make most people deeply suspicious and slightly nauseous.They often have friends who feed them narcissistic supply when they run out; suchrelationships are another symptom of praise addiction.
Sign #2: A flattering sidekick.
Sarah, for example, had a best friend named Mona who, inexchange for reflected glory, continually reminded Sarah of her every conquest, achievement,and victory.
"You know," Mona would say during one of Sarah's low periods, "with your good looks andthe connections from your sorority, you could have gone right from college to Hollywood.You're just too self-sacrificing. When I think what you gave up to be a perfect wife -- youshould write a book about it. Really. The world needs to know."I never actually met Mona, but Sarah repeated her words to me. Often. She wanted me toreaffirm them, but at the same time, I could tell she knew there was something off aboutMona's praise-a-thons.Like all addicts -- including you, if the shoe fits -- Sarah was aware on some level that her obsession wasn't healthy. If you've got a Mona, or a stable of Monas, you've got a problem.Oprah.com: How to think your way free
Sign #3: Extreme praise avoidance.
Are you breathing a sigh of relief, knowing you've never in your life sought narcissistic supply? Not so fast. Some praise addictions (my own comes tomind) raise their ugly heads by making the addict want to jump off a bridge rather than accept acompliment.Reacting to praise by feeling paralyzed with shame, like the wallflower caught in the spotlightat the prom, can signal a "dry drunk" praise addiction.Some dry drunks lust for tributes as insanely as Sarah but fear negative attention so much theyobsessively avoid getting attention at all. Others actually get praise by avoiding praise, seeinghumility as a virtue, and making damn sure everyone knows how humble they really are.By now I assume you're hopelessly confused about whether or not you're a praise addict. Youcan take the "Are You a Praise Addict?" quiz to find out.In the meantime, if you think you might not be walking the safe Middle Way betweenexcessive approval seeking and total approval rejection, the recovery advice below can helpyou achieve sobriety.Oprah.com: Secret stressors that are affecting you more than you know
The path to recovery
This program has only four steps, but think of it this way: If they had 12-step programs for praise addicts, people at the meetings would undoubtedly praise one another for avoiding praise. Madness! I believe the truncated program below is a wiser course of action.
Step #1: Admit that you have a praise problem.
The first time Sarah consulted me, I askedher to describe herself in one word. I was shocked when she coolly replied, "Dead." Thevibrancy she radiated was part of her accolade-seeking act, fueled by the brief highs she gotfrom her binges.To change her pattern, Sarah had to admit that praise had never helped her feel whole or content, only giddy. This was the step that allowed her recovery to begin. If you're a praiseaddict, take it.
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Are you addicted to praise?
• Identify symptoms to separate malignant narcissistic supply from healthy human interaction
• Reacting to praise by feeling paralyzed with shame can signal a "dry drunk" praise addiction
• Praise addiction is complex because it's impossible to simply eliminate your drug of choice
• Reacting to praise by feeling paralyzed with shame can signal a "dry drunk" praise addiction
• Praise addiction is complex because it's impossible to simply eliminate your drug of choice
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