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The Kennedys Were Pussies

The Kennedys Were Pussies

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Published by: tucker_brandon on Mar 20, 2012
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04/27/2012

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THE KENNEDYS WERE PUSSIES
 
How One Family Consolidated Enough Power to Overthrow America
 
Ever wonder how a dumbass gets elected President? Or if it's just a neat coincidence thatthe President's Daddy also used to hold the highest office in the land? Or if it's just a really,really neat coincidence that the dumbass President, whose Daddy was also once President,has a brother who's Governor of Florida, and is rumored to be favored in the 2008Presidential "election"? Or just how, exactly, does a guy with supposedly no experience inprofessional intelligence gathering get hired as Director of the CIA? Huh? Ever wonder stuff like that?
 
Ever think about why, when you're caught doing 48 in a 35, and everyone else is going thesame speed, and the cop ignores your lame excuses and hands you a ticket anyway, thePresident's daughters get away with drinking under age, again and again and again? Or whythe Governor's daughter (you know, the niece of the President) gets busted for drugs, againand again and again, and is able to make good on her infractions with some rehab and alittle community service? Hmm?
 
Okay, so maybe you've thought about that stuff, but it didn't seem like a big deal to you atthe time. Maybe you've got a lot on your mind these days, what with the superb offerings of our fine television broadcasting companies, and how Renee Zellweger is gaining all thatweight for that movie and whatnot. Or maybe you've been drunk a lot lately. So how 'boutthis - ever wonder who was involved with the financing of the Third Reich, the Bay of Pigsinvasion, the JFK assassination, Watergate, the CIA's history of narcotics trafficking, ManuelNoriega, the Iran-Contra affair, the 2000 Florida elections scandal, the attacks onSeptember 11th, the war in Afghanistan, the war in Iraq, the ongoing war on terror andmost every major economic, political and military policy in this country for the last 70years? Ever wonder about all that?
 
It's only a conspiracy theory until Wolf Blitzer says so. In the meantime, why not getcreative and stage your own "news broadcast"? Mousse your hair and put on a shitload of make-up, sit at the kitchen table like you know what you're talking about and READ. Primetime will never seem the same.
 
LAURA BUSH
 
Reader. Librarian. Cyborg.
 
On the evening of 6 November 1963, two days after her 17th birthday, Laura Welchfailed to stop her Chevy sedan at a stop sign and drove into a Corvair being driven by herthen-boyfriend, Michael Douglas, also 17. Laura and her passenger, Judy Dykes [snicker],were treated for minor injuries at a nearby hospital, where they learned that Douglas haddied from his injuries in the collision. No police charges were filed, apparently, but therecord is unclear. Now Laura Welch is married to George W. Bush and is known around theworld as Laura Bush, the first lidless First Lady.
 
Nothing else really happened in Laura's life worth mentioning outside the pages of Redbook.She studied at Southern Methodist University as an undergrad, so from what we know of George's college days, they were complete opposites from the beginning. She went on to bea teacher, librarian and lover of books, so, again, not much in the way of intellectualcompatibility with her future husband. However, they got married the same year they met,which makes you wonder: did she get knocked up early on, and they tied the knot to cover
 
it up? Or was their sex just so blisteringly intense that they couldn't keep themselves fromthe chapel?
 
THE TWINS, BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMIRNOFF ICE
 
In April of 2001 Jenna Bush was cited for underage drinking in an Austin bar; she laterpled no contest and was sentenced to community service and alcohol awareness classes. Asecond incident occurred on May 30th 2001, when both Jenna and her twin sister Barbarawere cited by police after attempting to buy drinks at an Austin restaurant. According to theWashington Post, yet another incident occurred in July 2002, when the girls were spotted(but not cited for) drinking in a Washington, D.C. bar.
 
The fraternal twins (rather than identical) were born November 25, 1981, which means theturned legally old enough to drink in 2002. Jenna attends University of Texas at Austin, andBarbara goes to Yale, being the fourth generation of Bushes to do so.
 
There is little else of interest about the Twins. Their main contribution thus far has been toprove that Daddy's a hypocrite, twice over. Though he was tough on his stance regardingdrugs as a Governor, he was a drug user himself, and now his daughters have followed inhis footsteps. That hallowed institution of journalistic integrity, Entertainment Tonight,reported in May, 2003 that dopey actor Ashton Kutcher (
Dude, Where's My Car 
,
Cribs
)violated the girls aplenty. "So we're hanging out...The Bushes were underage drinking at myhouse. When I checked outside, one of the Secret Service guys asked me if they'd bespending the night. I said no. And then I go upstairs to see another friend and I can smellthe green wafting out under his door. I open the door, and there he is smoking out the Bushtwins on his hookah." Nice.
 
None of this would be a real issue if they weren't the First Brats. But they are, and theymanage to get away with all of it because of that. It is to be assumed Ashton enjoyedhimself thoroughly.
 
COLUMBA BUSH
 
Columba Garnica Gallo was born in Guanajato, Mexico, in 1953 (the same year as herfuture husband). When they were 18, she met Jeb while he was an exchange student fromhis family's alma mater, Phillips Andover Academy. She's sorta hot at 50, so you know Jebwas enjoying himself at the time. She's also a fairly unremarkable character, with oneGLARING exception.
 
In 1999, she publicly apologized after she was caught by customs officials trying to sneak$19,000 worth of Paris goods into the country. WHA? Yeah, it seems ol' Columba didn'twant to pay the tarriffs on luxury goods brought into the country, and tried unsuccessfullyto smuggle them in. What a dope. But, as Jeb's wife, and thereby covered under the Bushumbrella of immunity, she was simply fined $4,100, and that was it. "Simply", because theBushes are FUCKING LOADED. She wrote a check for the fine and went on her way.
 
As reported in the Naples Daily News, "International travelers do not have to pay duties onforeign purchases that total less than $400. Mrs. Bush declared only $500 worth of merchandise." Her reason for lying to customs agents? She didn't have one: "It's anaccident and I regret it with all my heart." Accident? She must have forgotten about the$18,500 of other expensive jewelry and clothes in her luggage. Could've happened toanyone.
 
 
NOELLE BUSH
 
Just Say Mo'
 
Noelle Bush was born in 1977 in Texas. A proud graduate of Tallahassee CommunityCollege, she made news headlines on January 29th 2002 when she was arrested byTallahassee police and charged with prescription fraud. Noelle was trying to buy thesedative Xanax at a local pharmacy with a fake prescription. In February she entered anOrlando drug treatment center for a few days, but apparently it didn't take.That July she was jailed temporarily after she was again found in possession of prescriptionpills, a violation of her court-ordered treatment plan. Then in September 2002 she was backin the news after police visited the drug treatment center and found Noelle in possession of crack. She was sentenced October 17th 2002 to ten days in jail for violating the terms of her court-ordered drug treatment program.
 
As of June, 2003, she is "doing well" in rehab. Again.
 
NEIL BUSH
 
In 1990, federal regulators filed a $200 million lawsuit against Neil Bush and otherofficers of Silverado Banking, accusing them of gross negligence contributing to its $1 billioncollapse. "Our conclusion is that Silverado was the victim of sophisticated schemes andabuses by insiders and of gross negligence by its directors and outside professionals," FDICSenior Deputy General Counsel Douglas H. Jones said in a statement.
 
To be more specific, one source put it this way: "Neil received a $100,000 'loan' from high-roller Ken Good, of Good International, with no obligation to pay any of the money back.Good was a big-fish shareholder in JNB Explorations, Neil Bush's oil-exploration company,the one that 'successfully' drilled 30 wells without ever striking oil. Neil forgot to mentionthat the money was to be used in joint venture with his own JNB. He later petitioned fellowSilverado board members to extend to Good International a $900,000 line of credit. Goodreneged on $32 million in loans from Silverado, while Neil Bush kept quiet about Good'spromise of $3 million for JNB. Good subsequently raised Bush's JNB salary from $75,000 to$125,000 and granted him a $22,500 bonus. These dealings presented no conflict of interest? At least not to the interests of Neil Bush.
 
"Neil approved $106 million in Silverado loans to another heavy JNB investor, Bill Walters.Neil never formally disclosed his relationship with Walters, who defaulted on the entireoutlay.
 
"Neil, stung, after being told that he must agree not to violate thrift regulations in thefuture, is reported to have said, 'I'm not going to be bullied by an overzealous agency of theUnited States government.'"
 
And with Dad and your big brother at the helm of that government, Neil, no doubt you'll getyour wishes.
 
Oh, one other thing - Neil likes banging his Mom's personal secretary. So much, in fact, thathis wife threatened to divorce him and spill the beans about the Bush family's web of bullshit. Neil responded by offering Sharon Bush $1,000 a month in alimony, which amountsto peanuts, especially for someone used to such wealth as the Bush clan's. It's also likelySharon was privately "talked to" by family associates, intent on making certain she keepsher trap shut. Not surprisingly, it seems to have worked. Well done, Neil.
 

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