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A Hypothesis

A Hypothesis

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Published by Charlie Gregory

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Published by: Charlie Gregory on Mar 26, 2012
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03/26/2012

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A Hypothesis
Prime Minister Cameron is threatening to fiddle the price of alcohol up toa minimum of 40p a unit. His medical advisers tell him that this will save3,000 lives a year. What!? How can they possibly know how many lives itwill save
or ruin? Three thousand is another figure they have pulled outof the air. It is one of these eat five a day, walk 3 miles, drink 2 litres of water and do not
exceed 28 units of mother’s ruin
, sort of things. Pull theother one.What is a unit of alcohol anyway? Where I live they sell beer in pintsand everything else in litres. Even in far off France, beer comes in litres.Units are just another con. If you challenge one of these
experts
they’ll
tell you that a unit is half a pint of beer. Oh aye? Which beer? Beers comein a myriad of strengths, s
ome are like maiden’s water, others are sudden
death.
 
Anyway, just for fun, let us give these people the benefit of the doubt.
Let’s suppose they save 3,000 lives
a year. Hmmm. That poses thequestion: which lives are they going to save? Is it a fresh 3,000 everyyear, or do they just keep resuscitating the original 3,000 for an indefiniteperiod? If you are in this year
’ 
s batch, do they include you in, orexcluded you from,
next year’s lifeboat
? We need to know these things.We need to know other things too. Are they going to save BenefitScroungers, people who could work but will not work? I do not like theidea of scroungers taking up places that we could allocate to hard drinkingworkers. No, I reckon that people who refuse to work should get 40pvouchers so that they can drink themselves into an early grave. You couldgive the vouchers as a kind of bonus. They would like that. People who donot work tend to lose out on bonuses.That raises another problem, because the government is not going toraise this 40p as tax. It will simply be an edict that the supermarketsmust not sell cheap booze. That means that the extra 40p will go to thesupermarkets as profit. So they should be the people who organise thebonus system.What about the rest of us? Well... I am all right because I am deepinto my dotage. But it is the worry about you younger ones that keeps mereaching for the whisky bottle. You see, while Cameron is saving 3,000lives a year, Osborn, in the Treasury, is fiddling about with the retirementage. He is already going to push it up to 67. But, better still, he says that,from now on, it is not set in stone. As life expectancy rises, he, or one of his successors will keep edging retirement further away... I can feelanother con coming on. It has already happened to the Atlantic salmonand eels. Continental drift makes them swim an extra inch every year. Itmakes one wonder what they have in mind for our 3,000 sober refugees,trapped on a treadmill of work.All that is bad enough, but my crystal ball tells me that there is worseto come. Every year there will be 3,000 new, or recycled, people growingforever older but yet unable to grasp their retirement. Their jobs are

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