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Geri Scazzero
with
Peter Scazzero
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ZONDERVAN
I Quit!
Copyright 2010 by Peter Scazzero and Geri Scazzero
This title is also available as a Zondervan ebook.
Visit www.zondervan.com/ebooks.
This title is also availablein a Zondervan audioedition.
Visit www.zondervan.fm.
Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Scazzero, Geri.
I quit!: stop pretending everything is fine and change your life / Geri
Scazzero with Peter Scazzero.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-310-32196-5 (softcover)
1. Christian life. 2. Conduct of life. 3. SuccessReligious aspects
Christianity. I. Scazzero, Peter, 1956 II. Title.
BV4501.3.S287 2010
248.4dc22
2010005929
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy
Bible, Todays New International Version, TNIV. Copyright 2001, 2005 by
Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.
Any Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers printed in
this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or
imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content
of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed
reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Published in association with Helmer Literary Services.
Cover design: Faceout Studil
Cover photography: iStockphoto
Interior design: Beth Shagene
Printed in the United States of America
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Contents
Acknowledgments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
Foreword: Pete Scazzero. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
Introduction: When You Cant Take It Anymore. . . . . . . 15
1 Quit Being Afraid of What Others Think. . . . . . . . 25
2 Quit Lying. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
3 Quit Dying to the Wrong Things. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
4 Quit Denying Anger, Sadness, and Fear. . . . . . . . . . 89
5 Quit Blaming. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
6 Quit Overfunctioning. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
7 Quit Faulty Thinking. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167
8 Quit Living Someone Elses Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
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Acknowledgments
This book would not have been written without my husband, Pete. I am a ponderer. He is a writer. Although I
am the one who identified, named, and articulated the
skeleton of the I Quits, he is the one who insisted, You
have a whole book in you. I Quit! reflects our team effort
from the beginning to the end. It reflects what we both
learned on this missing aspect of spiritual formation over
a fourteen-year period.
Pete is a uniquely wonderful person whom I was so
lucky to marry. One of Petes most attractive qualities is
his humility and openness to learn, grow, and change. He
has always been responsive to my I Quits and eagerly
applied them to his own life. We also know how very,
very blessed we are to enjoy the ongoing experience of
growing together in this wonderful journey we now label
emotionally healthy spirituality. I cherish this wonderful gift that we remain on a similar learning curve after
twenty-six years of marriage.
I belong to two significant communities that have
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Acknowledgments
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Foreword
The most loving thing Geri ever did for me was to quit
the church I pastor. Yes, a part of me wanted to kill her
for the humiliation I felt. But God used her courageous
decision to change my life in profound ways.
I Quit! is based on Geris story, but I believe it is a story
we all share; at some point, quitting is something each of
us must do. Every person who follows Jesus needs to discover and apply these truths that have become so disconnected from our spiritual formation in Christ.
Until now, I have been the chief beneficiary of this
message, learning up close from Geri each of the I Quits
described in this book. Over the last fifteen years I have
learned how to quit as a parent, a husband, and a pastor/
leader. While initially difficult, this journey has led to a
level of freedom and joy in the Christian life that I never
imagined was possible.
In fact, the principles of I Quit! are foundational to
our spiritual formation ministries and leadership values
at New Life Fellowship Church in Queens, New York.
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I Quit!
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I Quit!
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I Quit!
Dying to Live
Quitting is about dying to the things that are not of God.
Make no mistake, it is one of the hardest things we do for
Christ. But the good news is that quitting itself isnt just
an end; it is also a beginning. Biblical quitting is Gods
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path for new things to come forth in our lives, for resurrection. And yet, the path that leads to resurrection is
never easy.
Internal voices alarm us with fears of quitting.
What will people think?
Im being selfish and not Christlike.
I will mess everything up.
People will get hurt.
Everything will fall apart around me.
I will jeopardize my marriage.
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I Quit!
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1
Quit Being Afraid
of What Others Think
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Our Okayness
Relying on the approval of others for our sense of self-worth
is a direct contradiction of biblical truth. Our okayness
that is, our lovability, our sense of being good enough
ultimately must come not from others but from two foundational realities:
We are made in Gods image. Being made in Gods
image means we have inherent worth. We are sacred
treasures, infinitely valuable as human beings apart from
anything we do.
We have a new identity in Christ. When we begin a relationship with Christ, we find our new identity in him. We
now rely on Jesus sinless record for our relationship with
God. We are lovable, okay, and good enough because of
Christ. There is nothing left to prove.
For years, I memorized key verses, did Bible studies on
Galatians and Romans, and meditated on the righteous
ness of Christ as the foundation of who I am. Nonetheless,
large portions of my identity remained untouched by the
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many in her church. Joyce tries out a new hair stylist recommended by a good friend. However, as she sits in the
chair, she grows uneasy about what she is seeing in the
mirror.
Inside, she is thinking, Oh, no! I dont like this haircut at all! This is a disaster. Despite her growing alarm,
she says nothing to the stylist. She continues to smile on
the outside and make small talk, all the while praying
the torture will end soon and that the damage will be
manageable.
When the beautician finally finishes, Joyce can
scarcely contain her anger. Nevertheless, she thanks the
stylist profusely in front of the other customers. In fact,
she feels so guilty about her anger toward the woman that
she tips her double!
Sometimes our need for others to tell us we are okay is
so subtle and pervasive it can be both difficult and frightening to recognize it in ourselves. Lets consider a few
more scenarios.
You are hurt by a friends comment, but you say
nothing because you dont want to be thought of as
touchy or irritable.
Your mechanic gives you a bill almost double what
he originally quoted to repair your car, but he is busy
with other customers, and you dont want to make a
scene by asking for an explanation.
You are out with a group of friends who want to
see a movie. Everyone except you wants to go see a
particular movie, but you dont want to be seen as
difficult or disagreeable, so you go along and dont say
anything.
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I Quit!
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I Quit!
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I Quit!
A Healthy Model
By adulthood we accumulate millions of messages, spoken and unspoken, from our families, cultures, even our
churches. They tell us what we must do, be, think, and
feel to be loved, accepted, and approved. For this reason,
making the decision to quit being afraid of what others
think is not a one-time act but an ongoing spiritual discipline. The depth of our twisted desire for a counterfeit validation outside of the love of God
The depth of
is more far-reaching than we realize. Yet
our twisted
Jesus died, rose, and gave us his Spirit so
desire for a
that we might experience ongoing transcounterfeit
formation and freedom.
validation
John 12 tells the story of Mary, who
outside of the
provides a model of what it means to
love of God is
ground our identity in Christs love for us
far-reaching.
rather than in what others think. Mary
lets down her hair in public and washes Jesus feet as if
she were a lowly Gentile slave. In ancient Jewish culture
this was considered scandalous behavior. Is she trying to
seduce Jesus? Doesnt she have any self-respect? Is she not
aware of what people might say about her?
Sitting at the feet of Jesus, Mary is not preoccupied
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with what others think of her. Christs love and forgiveness penetrate her inmost being. This profound experience not only releases her from any sense of shame; it
illumines the truth about her own worth and value. Her
heart brims over with thankfulness to Jesus for his love,
mercy, and overwhelming safety.
Mary understands her own significance in relation to
Jesus rather than in the opinions of others. Her actions
are not dictated by what is right in the eyes of the world
but by what is right in the eyes of Christ. This gives her
confidence to be herself, regardless of what others might
think about her.
Like Mary, you are invited to ground your identity
in an ongoing experience of the love of God in Christ.
Then, and only then, will you be able to live honestly and
authentically.
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I Quit!
solitude, receiving the love of God, allowing it to permeate and change every cell in my body. This has proven
foundational to slowly dissipate the fear of what others
think. The principle is simple: the more you ground your
identity in the love of God, the less you need the approval
of people for your sense of lovability.
When you are willing to quit caring what others think,
you take a giant step into the next I Quitquit lying. In
the next chapter, we will explore what it means to live in
the truth and be set free from lying to ourselves, to God,
and to others.
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