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A Twilight Parody, "TwiLITE," funny, (apologies to Stephanie Meyer)

A Twilight Parody, "TwiLITE," funny, (apologies to Stephanie Meyer)

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Published by Sue Knott
Laugh out loud at the first several pages of this parody of the best-selling vampire novel, "Twilight." (Oops, looks like I spelled "vapid" wrong.) Whether you love Twilight or hate Twilight,it's pretty funny if you've read Twilight. If you haven't read any of the Twilight series, the humor may be lost on you, but it may help you understand both the fangirls and those who think Twilight sucks..
Laugh out loud at the first several pages of this parody of the best-selling vampire novel, "Twilight." (Oops, looks like I spelled "vapid" wrong.) Whether you love Twilight or hate Twilight,it's pretty funny if you've read Twilight. If you haven't read any of the Twilight series, the humor may be lost on you, but it may help you understand both the fangirls and those who think Twilight sucks..

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Published by: Sue Knott on Dec 11, 2008
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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06/09/2013

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TwiLITEA ParodyPrefaceI’d given a lot of thought to how I would like to die. And this was probably going to be asclose to perfect as I could get.I was going to die a noble death. Saving my boyfriend and his family, who were allalready dead, from the threat of a second death…or at least from a good thrashing. Howcould you get any nobler than that?And the guy crossing the room to kill me? He was a sadistic nutcase who was going tofilm the whole thing so my undead boyfriend and his undead family could see for themselves how truly noble I was.The killer smiled as he approached. And I smiled back…straight into the camera…whispering “Edward, I love you” with just the right amount of longing, bravery andselflessness.Edward Sullen was to die for. And that was exactly what I was about to do.
 
1.First SighMy mother drove me to the airport with the windows down. It was sunny. It was beautiful. It was Phoenix, damn it. One of the most awesome cities anywhere. We hadgreat weather. Sure, I was so pale I’d fry like a weiner on a grill after just five minutesoutside, but that’s not the point. The point was that Phoenix was incredible. All the kidswere cool. They wore the right clothes. Phoenix had all the coolest stores.Obviously I have too much maturity to care about wearing the right clothes, but you needto know that the other kids in Phoenix do wear the right clothes. If you didn’t know this,how could you begin to understand all the great stuff I was giving up by leaving Phoenix?Phoenix was “all that,” or at least that’s what I’d call it if I the woman writing mydialogue wasn’t practically middle aged.But, to get back to the part about leaving Phoenix, that’s exactly what I, Bella (whichmeans “beauty, belle, sweetheart”) Swoon was about to do. Leave the awesomeness of Phoenix for the gruesomeness of Forks.
 
Forks was the opposite of Phoenix. Phoenix was a big city. Forks was a small town.Phoenix was sunny and warm. Forks was rainy and cold. (It was in Washington State, for crying out loud!) My zany, fun-loving mother lived in Phoenix. My boring, law-enforcing father lived in Forks. Phoenix began with the “f” sound. Forks began with anactual friggin’ “F.”Yet, as miserable as Forks was, I, Bella Swoon, was voluntarily banishing myself there.It’s true. I was making this inhumanly tortuous choice as a selfless sacrifice to mymother’s happiness. That’s the kind of girl I am. Selfless to the core.You see, my mother married a hottie. She was staying home with me instead of travelingwith him. So I volunteered – no, I
insisted 
– on going to live with my father in Forks somy mother could go on the road with her hot, new husband.That’s the kind of girl I am. You’d think someone as selfless as me would have a really,really close BFF, but I don’t. Maybe that’s because my mom is my best friend, even if Idon’t tell her anything about what’s really going on in my life. I mean, best friend or not,she’s still my
mother 
.To make a long opening a little more tolerably short, I was damning myself to veritableexile in a veritable Siberia.

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