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TheHelicopterBrothersandOtherMadness,Chapter7from'PushupsinthePrayerRoom'Whenyou

’re

travelingaroundtheworldyouseesomestrangethingsandmeetsomestrangepeople.Thereisno“normal,”nosafeplaceforyourpsychetoperchandtakearest,sosoonitallbecomesachaoticblur.Afterawhile,youstartquestioningifyou

’re

goingmadoriftherestoftheworldis.Ialwayswrote—furiouslytryingtodocumentthesnippetsofcon-versationsandminutiaethatreallymadetheexperiencesgrandbeforethemomentsfadedandwerelostforever.IboughtanynotebookIcouldfind,oftendesignedfora10-year-oldwithHelloKittyorRickyMartinonthecover,andwhenthosewerefilledfrontandbackIscribbledonhotelnotepads,napkins,barcoasters,andmatchbookcovers.Iwrotesittingonmybedinmyhotelroom,duringlongwaitsinairports,thenonplanerides,inbusstations,andundertreesbythebasketballcourtwhenitrained.Iwroteinbarsandstripjoints,withoneeyeonthefrontdoor,andtherewasbeerandbloodspilledonmorethanonepage.Stilltothisday,IneedenergyandstimulationwhenIwrite—IdobetterinthemiddleofchaoswithhotmusicplayingthanIdoinasilentroomataboringdesk.BythetimeIreturnedtotheStates,Ihadfilledsevennotebookscovertocover—morethan1,000pagesinall.Tenyearslater,IreadthroughthesenotebooksandI

’m

amazed,notbecausethewritingisgood,becauseit

’s

notparticularly—it

’s

crude71PushupsinthePrayerRoomandchoppy,liketherushedconfessionsofaprisonerwho

’s

goingtothegallowsinthemorning—butbythepaceofthecrazyexperiencesthatwerehappeningtous,andhowthebizarreanddangerousjustseemednormalafterawhile.SoIwantedtoshareasmallcollectionofthesejournalentriesfromCentralandSouthAmericawithyou,withoutdressingthemuporcraftingaproperstoryaroundthem,soyoucanreallyfeelwhatitwasliketobeintheheatofbattle.TheFavelasRiodeJaneiro,BrazilShaneandItookatourthroughRiodrivingaroundwithaguyfromthehotel.HeblastedMadonnasongsthewholetime,butotherthanthatitwascool.Hetookustothefavelas—barriosorghettosontheverytopsofthehillsoverlookingRio.Theywerecrazy,self-sustainedcommunitieswhereeveryonewasdirt-poorandruledbythedrugcartelsandviolentgangs.Thefavelashadtheirownschools,stores,andclinics,andpeoplerarelyleft.Wecouldonlygoinsidethefavelabecausewewerewithourguide,whowasfromthere,orelsewewouldhavebeentoastwithinfiveminutes.Theneighborhoodswerejustshacksalongthesteephills,barelyremainingstandingatimpossibleangles,anditlookedliketheonlythingthatkeptthemfromslidingdownafive-hundred-footmuddycliffwastheirneighbor

’s

roofbelowthem.Iguesstheyhavemud-slidesallthetimewhenitrainshard,andlotsofpeoplearekilledortheirshacksarejustwashedaway.Everyonethrewtheirgarbageandbucketsofwasterightoutoftheirbackwindow.(Ain

’t

thatanaccuratemetaphorforhowlifeworks?)Itallsliddowntheembankmentandsettled,decomposinginadumpinfestedwithcockroachesthesizeofrats,ratsthesizeofcats,andcatsthesizeofdogs.Theshackswereredclay,fadedwiththesun,withredtinroofsandlaundrylineshangingfromeverybackwindow.FromthedistanceIcouldseeanoccasionalspotofblueorwhitepaint,butotherthanthatitwasallaredanthill.Mostoftheshackshadonlyonelightbulb,strungtogetherwithelectriccordsandducttape,andatnightitlookedliketenthousandmothersholdingcandlesoutsidethechurch,waitinginvigilforthejournaliststoreappear.72TheHelicopterBrothersandOtherMadnessLittlekids,noneofwhomlookedliketheyownedshirtsorshoes,swaminamuddywaterholeonthesideoftheroadwhereanindustrialdrainagepipespilledover.Anoldmanstoodstrandedonthemedianofthebusyroadwaydownthehillf

romthefavela,tryingfranticallytocross.Iwatchedforabreakinthetrafficwherehemightmakeit,butsawnone.Iwonderifhe

’s

stillthere.Lateron,ourdrivertookuspastashantytownevenmorepoorthanthefavelas—hundredsofpeoplelivingintentsmadefromcardboard,discardedcorrugatedtinsheets,andscrapwood,throwntogetherinthemiddleofamuddyfield.Laundryhungeverywheretodryandlookedlikekiteswhenthebreezeblew.Ourdriversaidthatthesepeoplehadnoschools,nomedicalcare,verylittlefood,andmostofthemsniffedglueorgotfuckedupondrugsjusttogetby.Thegangsanddrugdealersruledeverything,andsomeonegotstabbedeverynight.Thesepeopledidn

’t

haveabathroom—theyjustdugaditchandeveryonewentinit.They

’re

probablythesamepeopleIseeeverynightoutsideoftheChurrascariaaKilobarbecuerestaurantwegotodowninCopacabana,thetouristneighborhoodbythebeachinRio.Wholefamilieswaitintheparkinglot,swarminglikethey

’re

atthestartinglineofamarathon,butfollowingsomeunwrittenrulethattheycan

’t

stepfootnearthedumpsteruntilit

’s

therighttime.Whentherestaurant

’s

dishwashercomesatmidnightandthrowsoutthegarbage,theyallrunoverandjumpinthedumpsterandstartpickingoutanyediblescrapstheycanfind.Wholefamiliesgetintheretogetherandripopenthebagsandeattheirdinnerrightonthespot.That

’s

aboutalltheyhavetofeedtheirfamilyallday.Fuck,I

’m

lucky.ExceptforthenonstopMadonna—nooneshouldhavetolivewiththat.Goaaaaaaalllllllll!RioDeJaniero,BrazilWemanagedtogetticketsforafootball(soccer)matchatMaracanã,thestadiuminRioinauguratedforthe1950WorldCupthatfit200,000spectatorsandwashometosuchgreatsasPelé,Maradona,andRonaldo.Thehotelarrangedforavantotakeusoverthereandbriefedusonthematch;itwouldbebetweenFlamengoandGrêmio,bitterrivalsliketheYankeesandRedSox.Hewarnedustobeverycarefulsincewewere73PushupsinthePrayerRoomgringos,andtoonlyweartheredandblackcolorsofthehometeamsowecouldavoidtroublefromrowdyfans.Ifthehometeam,Flamengo,lost,wemighthavealotoftroublegettingoutoftheresafely,hesaid.Itwasjustaregularseasongame,buttherewerealmost100,000peopleinthestandsandtheplacestillonlylookedhalffull.Wehadthirtythousandpeopleinoursectioneyeingusupanddownaswewalkeddowntoourseats,butoncewesaidwassuptosomelocalsaroundusandshowedthemthatwewerereadytoroothardforFlamengo,itwasallgood.ShaneandIrubbedshoulderswiththefans,aseaofcelebratingfanaticsinredandblack,andtheylovedthatwejumpedupanddownandwentcrazyrightalongwiththemwhenwescored.Inbetweenthestandsandthefieldtheyhadmoats,twenty-foot-deepandtwenty-foot-wideconcreteembankments,andthenastripofconcretethatlookedlikearunningtrackinbetween.Theyexplainedtousthattheysolddiscountedticketstothepoorfavelakidsandputtheminthatsectionisolatedonthattrack,wheretheycouldn

’t

spreadviolenceintothecrowdnoraccessthefield,butjustrunaroundandcausetroubleamongsttheirownkind.Flamengowon5-4andwegotoutallright.I

’ve

BeenUpAllNightSanJosé,CostaRicaThereareonlytwowaystofallasleepinaThirdWorldcountryandprobablytwohundredandfifty-seventhingsthatcankeepyouawake.Thefirstmethodistopassoutcoldduetoingestionofalcoholornar-cotics.Thesecondmethodistoliedownandcloseyoureyesandfallasleepnaturally.Peoplehavetoldmethatthenaturalmethodsometimesworks;Iwouldn

’t

know.NomatterwhereyoulayyourheadinaThirdWorldcountry,whetherinanapartment,acheaphotel,orahostel,it

’s

impossibletosleep.Thecombinationofnoiseanddiscomfortcreatesanopusofinsomniathatwouldbehilariousifyouweren

’t

tootiredtolaugh.Onlyduringsiestatimeintheheatoftheafternoonorduringtherainyseasondoyougetanysleep.Thetelevisionblaresfromyourneighborwatchingafootballmatch.Thecheating

loversintheroomupstairsfucksoloudlythat74TheHelicopterBrothersandOtherMadnessplasterdusthitsyouinthefaceandyouthinktheirbedisgoingtofallthroughtheceiling.Themaidstrytogetinyourroom,hopingyouaren

’t

homesotheycanboostyourwatch.Theparakeetatthefrontdeskthatisguardingabowlofcondomswon

’t

shutup.Coilsandmetalbarsstickoutofyourbedandpokeyouintheback.ChildrensellinglotteryticketsandChicletsonthestreetyellovereachother,competingforthedrivers

’

attention.Someoneispuking.Someoneiscrying.Bedbugs,sandfleas,andmosquitoesturnyouintoalumpofitchyredwelts.Thedrip-drip-dripfromthebrokenbathroomsinkislikeChinesewatertorture.Theairconditionerdoesn

’t

seemtobeworkingbuthumsonandoffallnight.Theelectricitybuzzesandclicks.Themisalignedceilingfanwobblesandwhirs.Ofcourse,therearenonstopcarhorns,policesirens,andthehourlywhistlesofsecurityguardsonbicycles.Dogsbarkandcatsfightinthealleys.Awifescreamsatherdrunkenhusbandreturninghome;whenshestartsthrowingpotsandpansheslamsthedoorandgoesbacktothebar.Somewherethereisthescreechandsmashofacaraccident.Amotorcyclefiresup.Towardthemorning,whenyou

’re

soexhaustedthatyoudozeoffforafewminutes,theconstructioncrewstartsjackhammeringconcreteat6a.m.So,youseewhyitisessentialtogetproperlyfadedbeforeyoutrytogotosleep?Mycocktailofchoicewas10or12ImperialbeersandafewhitsofdirtweedfromaSaturdayNightSpecial:anemptybeercanwithholespokedinit.Underspecialemergencycircumstances,ImightaddaVicodintothat.Thecombinationusuallynumbedmeenoughtogetafewhoursofshut-eye.TheOldSpiceMustacheSanPedro,CostaRicaIwashangingoutwithmyfriendLuis“ElToro”Diegoandhisgringagirlfriend,Wendy,atourfavoritelittlecollegebarinSanPedro.Oneofthegirlsatthebar,areallycuteTicanamedAlejandra,wassweatingme,soweallstartedhangingout.Shewascelebratingher21stbirthday,sohergirlfriendskeptorderinghershotsandthrowingcolorfulconfettiaround,untilwewereallcoveredinit.Icouldn

’t

believehowmanyshotsshewasdoing,especiallyforagirlwhoprobablyweighed100pounds.75PushupsinthePrayerRoomAfterthetequilashotscameout,evenIwasofficiallywindow-lickerdrunk,butshehungintherelikeachamp.Whenthebarclosedandtheykickedusoutshewantedtocomehomewithme,andherfriendsencouragedher,sotheydroppedusoffatApartmentoWilliams.Westartedkissingandshewantedtofoolaround,butshewaswaytoodrunk,soIjustgaveheraspirinandabottleofwaterandputmylittletrashcannexttohersideofthebed.Around4a.m.Ihalfwokeuptoherstumblingaroundtheroomandmumblingincoherently.SheaskedsomethingaboutthebathroomandIpointedandwentbacktosleep.Inthemorningshelookedconfusedandembarrassed,butIassuredhershedidn

’t

causeanytrouble.Shecalledacabtogocelebrateherbirthdaywithherfamilyandavicioushangover.Ineversawheragain,butthat

’s

whenitstartsgettingreallyinteresting.MymemoriesofmylastweekinCostaRicaarehazyatbest.ThedayswerespentplayingbasketballandtryingmyhardesttosmokeupthehugebagofdirtweedIboughtfromtheRastainPuertoViejo,andthenightscelebratingatthebarsinSanPedrowithElToroandourcrew.IwasprobablyaveragingthreehoursofsleepanightandhadcompletelysurrenderedtothefactthatIwouldn

’t

getagoodnight

’s

restinCostaRica.SoeverytimeIwenttobed,itwasafteranightdrinkingandpartyingandImercilesslypassedoutbeforeIevenhitthemattress.Istartednoticingthatsomethingsmelledfunnyinmyroom.Atfirst,itwasnobigdeal—thesmellofgarbageinthemiddaysunoftencamewaftingupfromthestreetbelow,buteverynightitgotalittleworse.IwastoodrunkandtiredtogiveittoomuchthoughtbeforeIjustpassedout.IactuallystartedquestioningwhetherIwasjusttrip-pingandimaginingit.Afewdayswentby,andthes

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The Helicopter Brothers and Other Madness, Chapter 7 from 'Pushups in the Prayer Room'

The Helicopter Brothers and Other Madness, from 'Pushups in the Prayer Room; reflections from a year backpacking around the world.' by Norm Schriever. This book has been called wild, crazy, dangerous, sexy, irreverent, pee-your-pants funny, and… (More)

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Category:	Books - Non-fiction > Biography
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Upload Date:	04/04/2012
Copyright:	Attribution Non-commercial
Tags:	Humor Travel Biography memoir Nonfiction backpacking travel writing around the world (more tags) Humor Travel Biography memoir Nonfiction backpacking travel writing around the world 5 stars humor writing norm schriever the helicopter brothers and other madness chapter 7 from pushups in the prayer room (fewer)

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The Helicopter Brothers and Other Madness, Chapter 7 from 'Pushups in the Prayer Room'

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