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Noun Magazine

Noun Magazine

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Published by carillontechnic9873

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Published by: carillontechnic9873 on Apr 05, 2012
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04/05/2012

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Noun
LEGALDISCLAIMERFORTHEDUMBEST:
Noun
is a work of satire. Anyone who comes at us with a libel or slander suit will be ignored.
 
ALEXPKEATON
REGINA, SK ––The ProvincialGovernment stood by its con-troversial budget decision lastweek, voting unanimously tocut all funding to post-second-ary education.
It is a move that PremierBrad Wall hopes will helpSaskatchewan “set a leadingexample for other provinces,and states around the world.”The “funding,” which givesmoney to post-secondary insti-tutions around the province,has cost the government closeto one billion dollars every yearover the past decade.“People get caught up inthis word ‘funding’,” saidSaskatchewan Premier BradWall. “But really, we have to callit what it is: a free handout.”The move has sparked out-rage from many socialist pun-dits. Many university students,who rely upon post-secondaryeducation for degrees, jobs, andtheir “future”, describe themove as a “death blow.”University of Regina presi-dent and socialism apologistVianne Timmons believes thatthis could spark the end of post-secondary education inSaskatchewan.“This is pretty much theend,” she whined. “How are wesupposed to continue opera-tions without [free handoutsfrom the government]?”Wall believes this is anopportunity for Saskatchewanto become a world leader, andmove away form the harmfulNDP legislation that is onlyincreasing the provincial deficit.“People point out thatevery other province in thecountry has a similar ‘funding’scheme in place,” he said. “I’veheard the arguments, and peo-ple say that the universities arefinished without this funding ...but I ask the industry,how longwould we have to keep this‘funding’ going? And theanswer is indefinitely.”“The reality is, we havebeen in a bidding war with theother provinces for decades.Universities all over the countrynag their governments for moremoney to help provide ‘the besteducation possible,’ that coststaxpayers money. We think it istime to explore new options foruniversity funding that doesn’tcost taxpayers, and could evenmake the government a littlemoney for a change.”When asked about thesenew options, Wall stated thathe believes it is time for theUniversity of Regina to live upto its reputation for once.“Everyone likes to believethat the U of R is a liberal artsschool,” he said. “I think it istime for them to ‘get creative,’and think of their own solu-tions, without getting the gov-ernment or taxpayersinvolved.”
Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.
News
Provincial Gov
 
’t CutsPost-Secondar
 
y Funding
No room in budget for free rides
ALEXPKEATON
REGINA, SK –– Last week duringa legislative session, speakerDan D’Autremont, MLA forCannington. took the floor andintroduced the government’slatest competency report.
The report includes all thethings the Saskatchewan Partyis doing well, all the things theNDP are failing at, and reasonswhy Brad Wall is single-handed-ly saving Saskatchewan.During a press conferenceheld after the report was intro-duced, Wall thanked the peopleof Saskatchewan, as well as thepotash industry.“Potash is in our blood.Potash is great. Potash revenueflows through the veins of all inSaskatchewan,” Wall said.“Let’s join hands and givesthanks to the Potash Gods forblessing us. Potash is the future,so that means Saskatchewan isthe future.”The press conference wasinterrupted for a few minutesso the legislature’s newest jani-tor, Dwain Lingenfelter, couldmop the floors. The interrup-tion was brief.But although the reportwas widely accepted by the gov-ernment, not every one washappy.“They spelled my namewrong,” said Cam Broten, anNDP MLA for Saskatoon MasseyPlace. “It clearly is O before T.”In the report, Broten wascalled a left-wing extremist whohas coffee with homeless peo-ple.“I don’t even drink coffee.I’m a tea person,” Brotenresponded.The media have also foundthis report to be accurate.“I would have to agree onthe government’s evaluation ofthe government,” JohnGormely said.The entire report can befound on the party’s Facebookpage, at facebook.com/ fuckyeahsaskparty.
Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.
Sask Party:Sask Party rules
Competency self-audit suggeststhat provincial government owns
ALEXPKEATON
REGINA, SK –– Last week duringa legislative session, speakerDan D’Autremont, MLA forCannington. took the floor andintroduced the government’slatest competency report.
The report includes all thethings the Saskatchewan Partyis doing well, all the things theNDP are failing at, and reasonswhy Brad Wall is single-handed-ly saving Saskatchewan.During a press conferenceheld after the report was intro-duced, Wall thanked the peopleof Saskatchewan, as well as thepotash industry.“Potash is in our blood.Potash is great. Potash revenueflows through the veins of all inSaskatchewan,” Wall said.“Let’s join hands and givesthanks to the Potash Gods forblessing us. Potash is the future,so that means Saskatchewan isthe future.”The press conference wasinterrupted for a few minutesso the legislature’s newest jani-tor, Dwain Lingenfelter, couldmop the floors. The interrup-tion was brief.But although the reportwas widely accepted by the gov-ernment, not every one washappy.“They spelled my namewrong,” said Cam Broten, anNDP MLA for Saskatoon MasseyPlace. “It clearly is O before T.”In the report, Broten wascalled a left-wing extremist whohas coffee with homeless peo-ple.“I don’t even drink coffee.I’m a tea person,” Brotenresponded.The media have also foundthis report to be accurate.“I would have to agree onthe government’s evaluation ofthe government,” JohnGormely said.The entire report can befound on the party’s Facebookpage, at facebook.com/ fuckyeahsaskparty.
Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.
Cof
 
fe
 
e is a stimulant
Astimulant
PIERCE HAWTHORNE
REGINA, SK ––It’s what hockeyfans in Regina have been wait-ing for, something so unbeliev-able that it has fans rushing tothe closest bathroom immedi-ately after their first glimpse ofthe athletes.
A co-ed fully nude hockeyteam has been approved andwill play as the Regina Danglers.It’s pretty obvious that play-ing hockey butt-naked is notdangerous at all and that any-one who thinks so is just anidiot.Just because they aren’twearing helmets and haveabsolutely nothing coveringtheir junk does not mean thatit’s dangerous. In fact, it hasbeen proven that the chances aguy can still have kids after tak-ing a shot to the nards is 50 percent. Those are great odds.The athletes are wearingshoulder pads, which basicallymakes them indestructible to apuck going 100 miles an hour,so what are people worriedabout?Just because girls and guyswill be naked on the ice doesnot demean them or makethem sex objects – in fact, itempowers them.The fact that these cats arebrave enough and cockyenough to be comfortable play-ing hockey with all of theirnaughty bits out in the open issomething that everyoneshould strive to be able to do.If some of the athletesaren’t as “skilled” as some ofthe others, it is perfectly accept-able to chirp them for it. Signspointing out their shrinkage isencouraged and clever chantsabout the size of a player’sshlong are more than welcome.Players are taking someridicule for being involved withthe Regina Danglers, but that is just jealousy, as there areabsolutely no flaws in the gameplan of this organization.Really, everyone is getting whatthey want. In general, guys willget to stare at girls’ honkers andgirls get to stare at guys’pythons without it being weird,and isn’t that what everyonewants?The new team doesn’t onlybenefit fans; the players alsoget the attention they are obvi-ously seeking. Let’s not forgetthat no one put a gun to theirheads and made them partici-pate; they volunteered to playthe sport that they love naked,and they should not be at faultfor that.While the team does givethe terms “spearing” and “highsticking” new meanings, thefuture success of the ReginaDanglers will literally go fromsix to midnight in the blink ofan eye.
Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.
Nude ho
 
ckey t
 
e
 
am hits Re
 
gina
The Regina Danglers have everyone’s attention
“People get caught up inthis word ‘funding’. Butreally, we have to call itwhat it is: a free hand-out.”
-Brad Wall 
“...[T]he team does givethe terms “spearing” and“high-sticking” newmeanings...”
 
ALEXPKEATONREGINA, SK–– “It’s hard tobe happy in a band full ofidiots,” guitarist Brett Forst toldNoun. Despite Kelevra’s grow-ing success, including openingthe Metal Alliance tour’s stop inRegina, the band is still pissy asever. “You just can’t play metalif you’re happy,” said Forst.Apparently, Kelevra still hasmuch to be angry over.“Our drummer is constantlydrunk, and our bassist didn’teven make it to the MetalAlliance show. The other mem-bers are likely stoned aroundthe clock as well,” said Forst.However, the local heavymetal act uses their animosity tofuel their hateful, cacophonoussound. Kelevra reassure theirfans that their success brings nodelight to the band, and itwon’t turn them into “sissies”.“It’s probably a good thingthat there are difficulties thatcome along with being a white,middle class male. We’ve got alot to be angry about, and wewouldn’t be as heavy andbadass as we are if we weren’talways pissed off at each otheror our parents.“Being happy just doesn’twork in metal. No one wants tohear a melody or singing orsongs in major keys. We’ll leavethat for those art-type people.We want to make music thatmakes you want to puncheverything. Half the time I wantto punch myself just for writingmusic in this band,” said Forst.Thankfully, some of thosesissy art-type people will beleaving our beautiful provincewith the Sask Party’s recent cut-ting of the Saskatchewan FilmEmployment Tax Credit (SFETC).With less freeloaders whorefuse to get real jobs that actu-ally stimulate the economy (i.e.mining/trades), Kelevra willadmittedly have less people towant to punch.“We’ll just have to move onto other people to hate,” said aclearly intoxicated TannerHoffman, drummer. “Ideally,our hatred will spread to otherdemographics. Our goal is toseek out all those pussies whoaren’t half as raw as us (becauseno one even comes close to howraw we are) and punch the shitout of them, all of them. Metalisn’t just a genre that most peo-ple grow out of in high school;metal is a lifestyle.”Kelevra have no other plansfor the summer other than“being metal as fuck”, petition-ing to legally change Friday to“rye-day”, and being angry forno damn reason.
Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.
ALEXPKEATONFormed in 2010, Library Josephhas taken the indie music worldby storm, earning them the titleof “Regina’s Only Band.” Wecaught up with member KeatsColeridge to discuss his musicsounds.
 Alex P. Keaton
:How would  you describe Library Joseph’s sound? 
Keats Coleridge
:Ironic. Imean, if you don’t understand asong like “Raymond ChandlerWould Love Dubstep,” thenyou’re just not deep enough.
 APK:
Why do you have somany band members? 
KC
:I get a lot of strangelooks when I tell people that I’min a band with twelve otherpeople. But there’s just so muchmore you can do with threedrummers, and where wouldwe be without an Omnichordplayer? We’d probably justsound like the rest of Radio 3. Ithink having thirteen membersreally separates Library Joseph’sshit music from the rest of theshit music you hear. The differ-ence with us is that we’re tryingto make mediocre music. A lotof people claim that we don’tneed Bill [Jefferson, gong] orJimmy [Peters, ribbon dancer],but realistically, how manyother bands have someone whois a virtuoso on the chopsticks?
 APK 
:What instrument do you play? 
KC
:I play the salt shaker.No, I do not play the egg shaker,and don’t you dare even com-pare me to those hacks. What’sthe difference between thetwo, you say? Functionally,nothing; I just took a salt shakerfrom my house one day. It’sfree, and it’s much quieter thanthe egg-shaker too. In fact, Ican’t even hear myself most ofthe time, so I just throw salt atthe rest of my band/the audi-ence.
 APK 
:What do you likeabout Regina? 
KC
:It’s okay. That’s what Ilove about it, the mediocrity.I’m glad there are no realefforts to push this city in a bet-ter direction because it’s finewhere it is right now. Why buildaffordable housing when wecan put up condos over aswamp and underneath an air-way? Regina is so radically okay,and Library Joseph try to reflectthat with the banality of ourmusic.
 APK 
:Do you plan to stickaround Regina, or do you want  something bigger? 
KC
:We’ve heard of someother bands moving to placeslike Montreal and what not, butwe don’t want that. LibraryJoseph totally know that wecould make it if we movedaway, but we don’t wanna getbig. All the bands I know end upsacrificing the music when theymove away and try to “makeit”. Besides, we’re holding upfine with our Smart Car spon-sorship. So fuck it, we’re stick-ing around to annoy the pissout of you forever and ever andever.
Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.
Five Qs with music band
Library Joseph play notes on instruments
Metal band finds moderate success; still angry
 
Text
LIBRARYJOSEPH
& your mailingaddress to306-881-
Noun
it’s cool if we let the government trackyour phone thereafter, right
Arts & Culture
Babyluv Photography
WINFREESTUFF!
Dramatic film
The Actor 
is dramatic
REGINA, SK–– Dramaticfilm
The Actor 
is opening at theDramatic Drama Theatre.The film stars relative dra-matic unknown John de Gardenas an actor who is trying to act-ing way to the top of the dra-matic acting ladder.In a surprising twist, thedrama is done entirely in sound,which marks a dramatic depar-ture from films that are usuallya mixture of sound and nosound.Not a moment in the movieis quiet: it’s noisy all the time.This is a problem, becausesometimes you can’t hear whatde Garden is trying to drama-tize.And that’s the problemwith the problem of all-noisemovies. It started with MichaelBay’s
Transformers
, and hasnow worked its way into dra-matic art drama films.The plot follows a supersuccessful actor as we works hisway to the top. His film,
Sidestreet Fuel Up,
is a loud andviolent action-comedy, and ispoised to be the highest-gross-ing film ever. His local govern-ment, in an attempt to makesure the film makes as muchmoney as possible and is suc-cessful, gives the film lots of taxcuts and tax credits.Everything seems to goalong great until – oh no! Thetax credits spiral the economyinto a deficit and force the pro-duction to a standstill, puttingour loveable hero out of a job.It’s an exciting and glam-orous moment as we watch thegovernment pass the legisla-tion. You’re on the edge of yourseat the whole time. This is onemoment where the problem ofthe problem of noise isn’t aproblem at all because it makesthe scene noisier, and obviouslymore exciting and better.The film ends with deGarden’s character attemptingsuicide by swallowing dollarbills. Luckily, his cute andadorable cute puppy Hitchpupwarns his love interest, Bernie,and the day is saved!So what’s the final verdicton
The Actor 
?Had the plot been morerealistic and less predictable –we all knew that governmentintervention was going todestroy the economy! – and ifthe dog had just been a bitcuter, and if Bernie had a betterass, the film might have been amore dramatic film drama, andthe noisy noise of the dramamight have had a better dra-matic use.Still,
The Actor 
is dramati-cally dramatic, noisily noisy, andhilariously hilarious.In short,
The Actor 
is aheckuva dramatic drama filmwith the dramatic chops toentertain drama film watchers.
Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.
“...
The Actor 
is dramati-cally dramatic, noisilynoisy, and hilariouslyhilarious.”“Half the time I want topunch myself just forwriting music in thisband.”
-Brett Forst 

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