Relationship Intimacy pg 1 of 4

Restoring or Strengthening the Intimacy in Your Relationship

Are you and your partner locked in a pattern of anger where hurtful words and actions dominate your relationship? Do you or your partner make most of your decisions independent of each other, without discussion or seeking their agreement? Do you or your partner seem like their in their own world, just going through the practical responsibilities of your family? Has sex become more of a fantasy or a chore than a regular act of shared intimacy? Here are a few practical suggestions that may help to enrich your relationship.

1. Recreate together with mutually enjoyed activities. I know that couples

are different and have individual recreational interests, and doing things together often involves compromise. She may go with him to the hockey game, he may go with her to the chick flick. Or, he may go to the games with the guys and she to the movies with her girlfriends. There is a context in which recreational compromise and independence is necessary and healthy; however, it is important to not lose the value of doing things together you both mutually enjoy. Invest some time together making a list of the things you currently like to do (maybe 12 things), share your independent lists and look for 1 or 2 things you have in common. (Note: the aim of the exercise is neither to judge each others interests nor to use the length of compatibility list to judge your relationship). Remember when you first fell in love, you enjoyed being with each other, doing things together. When you are having fun, laughing together, experiencing bio-chemical moments of happiness you are naturally bonded to the people with whom you share these experiences. This is a very simplistic explanation of the science of love but it is a principle which may apply to your relationship. Go out together and have some fun. 2. Focus on the present and the future. In an effort to protect ourselves from hurt we sometimes feel the need to remind our partner of their past mistakes. (When I speak of past mistakes I am referring to the little irritations or disappointments that occur in all relationships, not chronic abuse). We justify in our minds, If s/he remembers how much their last actions had hurt me, s/he may avoid doing it again. Yes, that seems logical, however that produces guilt and a burdensome sense of obligation in the other. Lets consider a similar situation. Mary owes her friend Lisa $2,000 but recently lost her job and is living on credit
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Relationship Intimacy pg 2 of 4 cards and cannot afford to repay, or Frank who promised to help his cousin Gina remodel her basement but then he realises he doesnt have the skills to do the quality job Gina is demanding. What do you think happens when Lisa or Gina frequently telephones Mary or Frank reminding them of their debt? Soon, they are checking the caller-ids on their incoming calls and with embarrassment choosing to not even take their calls. When Frank gets invited to the family dinner knowing Gina will be there, do you think he will attend? No! He will make some excuse as to why he cant attend. These illustrations are similar to what happens in a relationship where one person is frequently made aware of their mistakes or their inability to meet the expectations. My point is that guilt and obligation fosters distance and it does not promote love and a desire to be close to the other. Forgiveness and the ability to let things go is not easy but if you want a relationship where you and your partner can be freely honest with each other it is crucial to create an atmosphere where their weaknesses will not be used against them in your courts of relational judgement. Practise communicating to your partner that you believe in their inherent goodness and their ability to grow (i.e., improve, change towards a better self). Open yourself up to acknowledge the instances of positive efforts you see in the here and now, the present positives of your relationship and what you anticipate in the future.

3. Meditate on things I love about you and share them with your partner. No relationship is perfect because no partner is perfect; but remember,
there were qualities in your partner that attracted you to them in the first place. I challenge you to meditate (think deeply upon) your partners positive attributes, consider writing them down. What attracted you to them in the beginning? What made them stand out above other potential partners? How has these qualities grown and developed over the years? If you met your partner for the first time today what would attract you to them now, are they the same things? Are there new virtues youve noted in your relationship over the years? What would his/her friends say about them? When was the last time you saw your partner express these qualities? How do your partners positive qualities (e.g. honesty) make a positive impact on you as a person, on your relationship, and on your family? When your mind and heart is full of warmth and genuine appreciation for the love that you have, share it with your partner. Think of some creative way(s) to tell him/her two things I love about you and why. No, dont just think it, say it. We all need to feel appreciated and by satisfying that basic emotional need in him/her you may also kindle in them a reciprocal feeling of warmth towards you.

Help for Families Canada Counselling & Consulting. For more relationship tips & support, please contact us at 604-562-2080 or help4familesca@gmail.com or follow us on Facebook.

Relationship Intimacy pg 3 of 4 4. Believe you are worthy of love and intimacy. I once heard someone define intimacy as into-me-see, which means opening up yourself to show another your true feelings, reactions, thoughts, struggles, etc. This type of openness can be generally difficult but even more so if we believe that our true feelings, reactions, thoughts and struggles are unacceptable and invalid. This may cause us to peopleplease (only being for the other that which pleases them), or defensively reject or withdraw from others before they can reject/withdraw from us. We develop relationships but yet, there continues to be a deep yearning in our hearts, to be seen and loved for who we truly are. Intimacy begins with your courage to look into yourself and accept yourselves for who you are; only then will you have the courage to show yourself to others. Accept that your feelings may differ from your partner, your reactions to common life events may be different but your differentness does not mean that either of you is better than the other. Think about and identify what are some of the positive things you bring to your relationship. Consider that the sharing of different perspectives often provides a fuller, more global perspective on issues than a limited one-sided perspective. We are all on a journey but while you travel towards your best self you are worthy of love and acceptance for who you are in the here and now. I believe personally, some may disagree, that the best relationships are those where partners strengths and weakness complement each other. Some of my weaknesses are my husbands strengths and vice versa and, together, we draw from each other to help make the other a better person. When I let my husband see my weaknesses then I gain access to the strength he has to offer me in that area, and I allow him the opportunity to feel valuable to me. In overcoming my insecurities, I unlock the inter-dependency that is a key feature of a genuinely intimate relationship. I know life is not so simplistic for everyone and some have experienced real relational hurts which make vulnerability very challenging; you may need more support than this short note can offer. Nevertheless I believe everyone deserves the freedom to be their true self. If you need it, I hope you will seek the support you may need to help you secure the love you deserve.

5. Have sex more frequently and liberally. Women particularly find it hard to
feel sexually attracted to a partner they feel distance towards, however since intimacy involves the satisfaction of both partners needs it is important to acknowledge the value of your mans sexual needs. If he is expected to be romantic, affectionate and loving towards you it is reasonable that you support his physical needs. Your man requires sex to feel connected to you. Accept this as a fact. You dont have to understand how they could think this way. It just is so. One of the key ways to enhance sexual intimacy is to practise have open conversations about your own sexual anxieties and needs. What are the insecurities you may have about your body, your sexual performance, or your sexual desires? Sexual or physical insecurities may cause you to hesitate in bed; your partner may interpret
Help for Families Canada Counselling & Consulting. For more relationship tips & support, please contact us at 604-562-2080 or help4familesca@gmail.com or follow us on Facebook.

Relationship Intimacy pg 4 of 4 your sexual hesitation as personal rejection, he may internalise it as his sexual inadequacy, feeling inadequate he may withdraw from you. Break the cycle of mutual withdrawal by talking openly about your own insecurities. Talk about what turns you on sexually. What might have been triggers for you when you first met may not do it for you today x no. of years later your partner may be functioning on an outdated understanding.

6. Persevere, do it even when it hurts a little. If your relationship has been

stuck for a while your initial efforts to revive it may take some time to have the desired beneficial effects. The process of re-connecting may involve some slight to intense feelings of fear, disappointment, and hurt. Let me share a story, a few days ago, early one morning (12-2 am) my husband and I were having one of these deep self-revealing conversations. He had shared about some of his struggles, I listened patiently. Then soon after I began sharing some of my struggles, he interrupted with the admission that he really needed to sleep and asked if we could continue the conversation later in the day. He was very nice about it, but I felt crushed. I had opened up some deep inner issues and now I felt emotionally raw, unprotected, and unsafe. My instinct was to quickly cover back up, retreat, and to avoid the conversation the next day. It is natural that if you make the painful effort to avail an inner layer of yourself to your partner and they seem unreceptive that your previous habit of self-preservation will automate and you will be tempted to shut down. Acknowledge these defensive feelings for what they are when they arise (as opposed to numbing out) but I encourage you to push beyond the pain of vulnerability and continue to do the acts you know will bring greater intimacy to your relationship. To birth the intimacy in your relationship which you deserve you will need to push beyond the fear, the hurt, and the vulnerability and invest the maximum effort; beyond these you will find a satisfaction you never thought possible.

Help for Families Canada is a counselling service which offers individual and couples therapy within the Tri-cities, Ridge Meadows, and Langley neighbourhoods in B.C., Canada. For more relationship tips, please like our page at http://www.facebook.com/help4familiesca.

Help for Families Canada Counselling & Consulting. For more relationship tips & support, please contact us at 604-562-2080 or help4familesca@gmail.com or follow us on Facebook.