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How to Change Yourself and Reinvest in Your Current Relationship

How to Change Yourself and Reinvest in Your Current Relationship

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Published by betterrelationships
To know more about Dr. Karen visit, http://drkarengaillewis.com and for more tips on relationship advice visit, http://relationshipadvicecafe.com. In this document you will learn how to change yourself and reinvest in your current relationship.
To know more about Dr. Karen visit, http://drkarengaillewis.com and for more tips on relationship advice visit, http://relationshipadvicecafe.com. In this document you will learn how to change yourself and reinvest in your current relationship.

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Published by: betterrelationships on Apr 08, 2012
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04/08/2012

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How To Change Yourself and Reinvest In Your Current Relationship
 
When couples, married or not, are together for a long time, the freshness, excitementand romance fade into a familiarity.
 At first, it’s a comfortable familiarity of knowing the other person. After time, though, it
can feel stale. Instead of noting his smiles, her cute antics
as you did at thebeginning
you now see blotches of irritation.
“When it’s an overcast day, it encourages my overcast thoughts, especially aboutBurton,” muses Margaret.
 
“When things are slow at work or I have any free time, I t
hink about all the ways heannoys me.
I get to wondering if maybe I should leave.”
 Thomas expresses the same hesitation using a different weather reference.
“You’dthink on days as gloriously sunny as today, I’d have gloriously sunny thoughts about my
life.Well, I do about work, the kids, even my car; I always have great thoughts about golf.But when I think about Tonika, my thoughts are far from sunny.
We’ve been together for so long, there’s no spark in our lives. It’s especially on sunny
days I think
how good I could feel if I were with someone else.”
 Do you have similar grumbles, on overcast or sunny days?Do you brood:
I deserve more; I’m not getting any younger; my life is passing me by;it’s time to think about change?
 If so, remember that leaving and starting over is only one type of change. Before takingsuch a dramatic step, take a close look at yourself.Have you put too many expectations on your partner to fill your needs? Do you haveyour own interests or do you rely on your partner to be your social director?
 
How To Change Yourself and Reinvest In Your Current Relationship
 
Do you spend time with your own friends? Do you do things with your free time that issatisfying? Is there something besides your work and children that gives your lifemeaning?
Sometimes, when people’s personal lives have become dul
l they blame their spousesor partners.
Is the boredom you feel really your spouse’s fault, or have you dropped the
responsibility for your own life?Do you blame your spouse for not doing something different? Do you need yourspouse to make some changes in order for your life to improve?If you really want change, think instead what
you 
can do differently
 –
other than leave.It only takes one person doing something different in a relationship to ensure a differentoutcome; one change starts a series of changes.
I tell Margaret, “Pick one thing about Burton that bothers you.
To be successful with
this, don’t start with your biggest gripe.”
 
“Well, his sloppiness.”
 
“Can you narrow that down? What one thing about his sloppiness do you wish were
different?
“He leaves newspapers all over the living room; he never throws them away.”
 
“Fine. Assume that will never change.
Now, what can you live with about his
newspapers?”
 
“If he at least sacked them or threw them away when he was through, but he won’t dothat.”
 
“You’ve gone back to thinking about what he won’t do.
However, that might give you aclue as to what
you 
 
can do.”
 
 
How To Change Yourself and Reinvest In Your Current Relationship
 
“What do you mean?
Like I want him to stack them so I could do it? No thanks.
I’ve
told him a hundred times to get a box and put it next to his chair so he can just drop the
papers in when he’s finished reading.
 
But nooooo,” she sarcastically drawls it out, “hewon’t do it.”
 
“You have a choice; you can continue complaining, you can leave, or you can use your 
own suggestion of the box and eliminate the problem.
What’s more important?”
 
“That would be one way to clear up the mess, but I’m sick of cleaning up after him.”
 
I sympathize with her, but then add, “You don’t have to do it.
But you do have to realizethis is your choice.You can choose to hold out for the principle, he cleans up after himself, or you caneliminate the stress you feel each time you see him drop the paper on the floor.
I’m not making a value judgment which is a wiser decision; I’m just reminding you this isyour choice.”
 Margaret reluctantly responds.
“I see what you mean, but it doesn’t seem fair.”
 
“This isn’t about fairness; it’s about helping you feel less angry about his being sloppy.”
 
“I think I see what you’re getting at.
 
If I clean up the room, I’d have to remind
 
myself it’s
because I want a neat living room.
Otherwise, I’d be angry at him for having to pick upafter him.”
 
Two weeks later, Margaret sweeps into the office. “You’ll never guess what!
Burtonnever said a word about the box or my putting his papers in it at night.But, for the last two nights, he dropped his newspapers in the box himself. No
argument, he’s just doing it.
Wow!
 And, the best part; I’ve kept my mouth shut.
 
I’venever said one word about any of it.”
 

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