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Differences Between Good Communication and Bad Communication

Differences Between Good Communication and Bad Communication

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Published by betterrelationships
To know more about Karen visit, http://reinventingrelationships.com and for more tips on relationship advice visit, http://relationshipadvicecafe.com. In this document you will learn the differences between good communication and bad communication.
To know more about Karen visit, http://reinventingrelationships.com and for more tips on relationship advice visit, http://relationshipadvicecafe.com. In this document you will learn the differences between good communication and bad communication.

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Published by: betterrelationships on Apr 10, 2012
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Differences Between Good Communication And Bad Communication
Good communication, while not the foundation of your relationship, is what makes yourrelationship run more smoothly.Communication is like the plumbing and electricity in our homes. Without them, we can
function, but it’s not much fun or very easy. And, if we’ve got bad pipes or wires, things
can get pretty ugly.Ultimately, good communication happens when we are happy and close with ourpartners.
Have you ever noticed when you’re feeling connected, you can easily overlook how
imperfect your partner might
say things or that you just “get” what they’re trying to say?
 And, have you noticed that when you’re feeling distant or resentful toward your partner,
everything they say is somehow hurtful or misunderstood?So, if you want good communication, work toward maintaining a close, happyrelationship. To read more about maintaining a close connection, see my other article,
“Building and Keeping a Close Relationship.”
 Still, repeated bad communication can really tear down a relationship and so it is usefulto have good techniques for managing communication.We can all be better communicators and the following article outlines some useful toolsfor improving your communication.
What is Bad Communication?
We all know when it’s bad. The miscommunications pile up and
we feel more and morefrustrated. Bad communication sets us up for hurt feelings or unmet expectations. Badcommunication contains some of the following:
1. Resistance
The act of resisting most things your partner is trying to tell you, ask ofyou or suggest to you (especially around areas of health, finances, family matters, orself destructive behaviors).
Differences Between Good Communication And Bad Communication
2. Defensiveness
The same as resistance but adding either blame, return criticism oravoiding the issue.
3. Stonewalling
Actively ignoring your pa
rtner when they’re talking to you either by
leaving the room or turning head or eyes away (more than just distraction; an obviousact of rejection).
4. Arguing
 Arguing isn’t effective communication. It isn’t necessarily bad or even a
predictor of divorce
; it’s just not good communication. It’s usually laced with
defensiveness and criticism.
5. Listening through filters
We all have filters (intoxication, being too tired,
emotionally triggered, etc.). The problem is when we don’t recognize or acknowledge
them. Once acknowledged, we have a choice on how to respond. See below for moreinformation on filters.
6. Being indirect/unclear
Human beings can get into the bad habit of being reallyunclear when they communicate. We drop a hint and hope our partners pick up on it. Ifyou want something done or heard, be very clear and specific.
7. Being Critical/Harsh/Name calling
This sounds like obvious bad communication
but it’s labeled in our minds as things like: “It’s just how I
or “I was just mad.” But
 the damage of criticism, name calling or being harsh runs deep and too much of it canreally destroy trust, closeness and respect in a relationship.
What is Good Communication?
 Good communication is more subtle than bad communication. We often feel like a
conversation went well but we don’t necessarily know why or, really, we don’t care;we’re just happy it did.
1. Validating
This is the act of acknowledging what your partner is saying by nodding,
making soothing sounds or saying things like “I can see why you feel that way” or “Youreally have a good point.”
Differences Between Good Communication And Bad Communication
2. Making requests/not complaints
While complaints aren’t necessarily bad,complaining isn’t the most effective communication. It is more direct and clear to make a
request rather than just complai
n. Instead of saying something like, “I hate it when youdon’t clean off the stove when you clean the kitchen!” say: “Honey, can you also wipeoff the stove when you’re cleaning up?” It’s clearer and gives the person something they
can take action on.
3. Listening to understand
Listening to understand is often what we naturally do witha good friend or even a stranger.Somehow after a few years with our partners, we stop listening to understand and starthalf listening while rehearsing what we want to say in the back of our minds.Listening to understand means quieting your mind, being present and seeking to reallyhear what your partner is trying to tell you.
It means suspending your judgment for a moment and listening as if what they’re saying
is not personal to you. Yes, this is difficult.
But, I guarantee that this is the SINGLE most powerful listening technique you can use.
You will be amazed at how much better your communication goes when youpause, really listen and show your partner you heard what s/he said.
4. Correcting/Repairing miscommunication
We aren’t perfect human beings. Wesay the wrong things; we say hurtful things; we aren’t clear at times. Correcting or 
repairing miscommunication is a powerful way to connect, build mutual trust and tryagain.
You can always go back, restate things, apologize and try again. There’s no shame in
admitting that we got a piece of communication wrong. Your partner will in most casesappreciate the correction.
5. Emotional Attunement
This is basically sharing someone’s emotional space for abit; what other researchers have called “Stepping into the Puddle” with our partners
(Love & Stosny, 2007).

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