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Road to Siberia

Road to Siberia

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Published by boris david

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Published by: boris david on Dec 12, 2008
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06/25/2012

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Daris Basarab
POVOD
Road to Siberia
novel
Translation by: Mihai Oprea2007
Bucharest
2004
www.darisbasarab.com
 
Instead of forewordI was so fond of solitude that I ended up fearing it! I have desired itsince I was a child, or maybe since forever. Every time I could acquireit, I stared at the sky, or at its reflection in the water, because I hadalways protected my solitude lying under the ravine bank, or, as I likedto call it, under the monastery, on the Danube bank. Maybe there wereothers like me, but I don’t think so, because how could I have foundfree seats at the show of solitude if that was the case?! The hardest partto acquire was time. Yes, yes! Solitude is not easily satisfied. You haveto have time, in order to be alone. You have to search for it, find it, giveyourself to it, forgetting about everyone and everything. Only wholearns to separate from the rest can hope to know solitude. All byyourself, protected by the steep slope of the ravine, between sky andwater! One day, I tried to evade even more into loneliness. I plunged inthe water, swimming with open eyes – the sky disappeared. Soon, the power guiding me also disappeared, and at the first gulp of water, afeeling of terror started to choke me. A sky filled with stars shone inmy head, as if lighting my path toward the riverbank. I lay on the softsand and I saw the blue sky. I understood that underwater I hadencountered the darkness, but not the loneliness I was looking for. God,I spent so many hours between sky and water! It was getting harder for me as years went by. A solitary teenager easily becomes his fellows’
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target. Adolescence brought with it the ordeal of convenience. I wantedto be alone, but I was spending my time in society. I was evenconsidered sociable! With such a pleasure I evaded in my singular world, leaving the appearance of a mysterious person. I did everythingto defend my reputation, without allowing anyone to pass the boundaryof my loneliness. It wasn’t easy, because it deprived me of the time Ineeded so much. The fear that I couldn’t defend my solitude from themisunderstanding of those around me, gradually brought about a fear of my much-desired loneliness. I started judging myself, confrontingwith others, blaming myself. I knew I wasn’t hiding anything evil inme; nevertheless I started to elaborate a harsh indictment. I was theruthless judge, the innocent accused, the defender of my own person. Iwas fond of loneliness in the world of childhood, I kept it hidden in thedepths of my being in the years that followed and I still keep it. Byhiding it, I do nothing but defend it, keeping my best memoriesimmaculate. Who could I explain the charm of the moments spent between sky and water, all by myself, gazing at the vastness which thedeceitful horizon binds in a single word – infinity. Why do I like toleave on my own in the search of sky and waters? Something like thiscannot be explained! This is a part of the small infinity of my soul,from which my whole being can get through, but where nobody elsecan get. No, what I am saying is not poetry! It’s just my life, which Ilike to dispose of!
 
I have loved solitude and I can still find this firstlove intact in me. Will I have the power not to hide it at least now, atthe finish line? I don’t know. But I know that I should!...
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