How beautiful if nothing more,

Then to wait at my sons door,

Ive never been in love like this before.

Now I pray to keep you from,

The perils that will surely come,

See life for you my prince has just begun.

And I thank you for choosing me,

To come through unto life to be,

A beautiful reflection of his grace.

See I know that a gift this great,

Is only one G-d could create

And Im reminded every time I see your face.

Lauryn Hill/'Zion'

'Lack of guile or corruption, purity.' This is Webster's definition of the word 'innocent'. Guile is defined as; 'sly or cunning intelligence; insidious, cunning in attaining a goal; crafty or artful deception; duplicity.' These are the words that most clearly describe the results of becoming a sex symbol in my opinion. Innocence represents where it begins; Guile, where it is most likely to end.

Becoming a sex symbol, a stripper, video model or any level of representative of an industry that sells sex can be considered essential when there are no other means of income. It's seen as not a sacrifice but glamorous and simply 'The thing to do' these days. The consequences are rarely considered or even recognized. At times there seem to be no other options and when the income is fundamental it seems a logical decision. The transformation from innocence to guile can be gradual, almost unrecognizable until it is complete.

It's so common to be surrounded by that kind of environment as it slowly chips away at your innocence, leaving a mentality that is essentially the opposite. Deceit can easily replace innocence and in time become second nature.

Insidious, cunning in achieving a goal; crafty or artful deception; duplicity, this description is perfectly contrary to innocence, in my opinion. The definition of guile. Trickery and deception can replace innocence before you've even realized there is anything at stake. The person I became, within the walls of a place no young, innocent girl should ever have to be was just that, the opposite of innocent. The person I became was the perfect exemplification of guile. I was fluent in manipulation, collusion became my preferable method of association and my conscience became simply insignificant.

Today's society values a woman's beauty and sexuality far more than her intellect. Becoming a sex symbol appears to be attractive from the outside looking in. It is a highly coveted position; so much so that those of us who aren't given that option because of physical characteristics that are not deemed admirable. We can find ourselves feeling lacking and in some cases completely inadequate. My story is one that illiustrates a transformation from innocent to the complete opposite, a young girl going from having positive to having negative intentions and the repracutions that resulted.

I maintained a nearly perfect exterior, this was my goal, it became my obbsession. I maintained an appearance that was not only accepted but adored by society. In the meantime though, my spirit paid the price, my innocence was lost, my very soul was damaged. My artificiality went far beyond my hair, nails and lashes or my appearance. I became a shell of a woman, valued only for the part of me that was artificial and somehow only able to value the part of me that was artificial myself. My essence was lost, replaced by all of the fake sparkle, glitz and glamour. There was a complete lack of purity and a lot of regret. This is how it happened...

When I was eighteen, I was a young mother and probably more innocent than any other time in my life. Without an appreciation or even an understanding of it, I retained that purity and the fond memory of it as well. I focused on my son with a joyful anticipation of what wonders the world had in store for us.

I worked hard at that age; even then, I expected nothing handed to me. My days started early, before the natural music of the morning my alarm blared its own song. The snooze button that I am so familiar with now was intangible in those days. In order to arrive at my fast food restaurant job on time, no later

than 5:50AM, I had to be climbing aboard a city bus by 4:35AM. I made sure that we were prepared and ready for the next day before I showered my son and myself each night. As a habit I secured my hair into a tight braid and wrapped a scarf snugly around my head before I went to sleep. That same braid remained the next morning, day after day, week after week. This was the extent of my hairstyle in those days.

During that phase in my life, it took me no longer than twenty minutes to prepare myself to face the world. My last concern was for the admiration or attention I would or would not get once I walked out the door. Pretty was inconsequential to me. The only concern I had for my appearance was that I look neat and clean, ready to do my job each day.

I wore a uniform to work. The mandatory navy blue pants and stripped button down shirt along with a baseball type of cap, which was navy blue as well. I usually worked the drive thru and did a million things at a time, keeping me busy and making the day fly by. Making French fries and drinks and collecting money was far from glamorous. It all had a way of making a girl feel miles away from being pretty...

The difference between my lack of concern with my impression on the opposite sex at that time and it becoming my priority less than a year later was similar to most things that resulted from the major lifestyle change I adopted. I never wouldve dreamed that the environment I took on would become part of my life. I wasnt at all aware of the sacrifices that would come along with this decision either.

I became someone who was, for all intents and purposes, no more than a sex symbol in the opinion of so many people. People immediately judged me before having any opportunity to know me at all. It was so often assumed I was what I may or may not have been without allowing me the slightest chance at redeeming myself. This is where innocence can easily slip away in my opinion. This is where hope becomes more and more inaccessible. The contrasts in lifestyle when you enter this world are absolute.

Becoming someone within this other world was a transformation, a one hundred eighty degree turn. In order to become Ginger, my stage name and alter ego as she soon became, I had to mentally and emotionally rearrange myself. Had I not been the one to get through this personal metamorphosis seemingly unharmed, I probably would have been intrigued myself by any woman who had.

I worked harder at the fast food restaurant than I have at any other job before or since. Over the years Ive made wages exceeding anything I would have dreamed at that time. During those years I expected nothing more than to support my son and myself. Providing for our basic needs was an accomplishment in my eyes.

I had made the decision that my position as a young mother confined me to reach no further than the essentials. Supporting a child without an education or technical training was a decision I made on my own. As a result, I accepted my own self-imposed misconception that I no longer had the ability to achieve my own goals and dreams.

I worked hard every day. I kept up with my son and tried my best to keep up with the bills each month. My parents helped me to secure a one-bedroom apartment. This was an apartment it seemed I would be able to maintain suitably in their absence.

My parents and three younger brothers moved away to Iowa before my son turned two. My mother had been accepted to Medical School in Des Moines. She completed pre-med courses with accolades at the University of Arizona while working full time and raising four kids, not to mention helping out with her grandson. How I could have missed that kind of inspiration to follow my own dreams of becoming an attorney, Ill never know.

My mothers hard work and dedication easily earned her the support of our family. When she was accepted to Medical School in Des Moines my family relocated right along with her. I was expected to accompany them but in spite of having made the commitment, I chose not to keep it.

The thought of separating my young son from his father was frightening. The thought of separating myself from his father was even more intimidating, to be honest. It was very important to me for my son to have both of his parents involved in his life. The potential of separation was disheartening enough to give me the courage to face life without the support of my family.

With my family in another state and my pride intact, I only had a small support system. My fathers family is huge and most of my aunties, uncles and cousins lived in the town where I lived. Unfortunately, when it came to the family, I refused to ask for help. As a matter of fact, the more I needed help, the less likely I was to ask my extended family.

When I became pregnant as a teenager the general consensus among my extended family was that I was too young and immature to make it on my own. Being able to prove the family wrong was important to me. So, even though I had a huge support system available to me, I chose not to take advantage of the help for fear of appearing incapable.

The strip club was presented to me as an option. This was not the sort of option I would anticipate nor was it one that I would normally even consider. Under dire enough circumstances though, we will consider solutions we otherwise wouldnt. I thought the strip club would serve as a temporary solution to my financial problems. When I realized I had a pink notice from the electric company and only 2 days left to come up with the $150 I owed, I panicked. I went to speak with my neighbor, Laura.

Laura had worked in the strip club as long as I had known her. The news that she was a stripper had been a shock to me. She never had struck me as the glamorous type. As I would soon learn for myself though, that was not a qualification in order to work in certain establishments. Laura had an obvious corrected cleft palette and very plain, straight blond hair. She was thin, not at all heavy and average on all counts, with a heart of gold.

More times than I could count Laura had bailed me out of something or other being shut off because of my minimum wage, minimum hour, fast food restaurant job. She had always helped and encouraged me but this time, when I asked if she would loan me the money to keep my electricity from being disconnected, she flat out refused. If its at all possible to be truly apologetic for not paying someone elses bills, she was.

Hannah, I would love to be able to keep helping, but what happens when Im not here? She asked the question as if I should really have an answer but I could only give her a blank stare.

How should I know? She put her arm around my shoulders, like an older sister, truly concerned. We were inside her apartment, with the big stereo and the nice furniture and all of the things I thought I would simply have to do without.

I can help you make the money you need all by yourself. Laura said.

I was baffled.

You can come to work with me! Theyll hire you in a minute! She said, enthusiastically.

I laughed at her. I was tickled. She was talking about me working in a strip club? I still had trouble with first kisses. I was certainly far from a seductress.

Whats funny? Laura asked. Her tone of voice reveling that she was truly serious.

The thought of being a stripper had never entered my mind. This was not something I thought I was willing or able to do, not successfully anyway. I dont have that kind of figure Laura. I dont know how to dance and men in general make me nervous. I responded, matter-of-factly.

I really did expect her to dismiss the idea but she was determined.

She swiftly pulled her t-shirt over her head and tossed it carelessly onto the floor. Then she looked up and smiled as her nipples stared me in the face, big, funny looking, and lopsided nipples. Her breasts sagged and I could see the remnants of stretch marks. I let my eyes travel down to her stomach and then her legs. I had never been this close to a naked woman I wasnt related to before and it made me uncomfortable.

Laura had never mentioned any children but it was obvious as I looked at her stomach that she was a mother. I wondered where her child or her children had gone but I didnt ask. I suppose if she wanted me to know she would've told me.

Laura probably had no idea it was so obvious from looking at her figure. She didnt seem to give it any consideration at all. I didnt want to stare but I couldnt help it. I stood there without words for a minute or two and Laura continued talking;

Ive seen your body. My clothes always look better on you than they do on me. I make good money there and it isnt that bad, its a job. Its a job that pays well enough that nothing ever gets disconnected and you can go shopping for yourself every once in a while. You can save some money and instead of borrowing, you can loan someone money. Not to mention pay me back! She laughed a truly goodnatured laugh.

Im just not the sexy type Laura. I just dont think I could ever My voice trailed off.

Lauras voice on the other hand was strong and direct. You wont have any electricity, the day after tomorrow. You think about it. She said and she said it with definite authority.

It simply sounded like something that had to be done. She knew all too well that her words made a strong impact on me. She'd been there for me time and time again, never asking for anything in return. Laura knew I couldnt afford to make ends meet alone and she had always been more than happy to help. My friend had even worked an extra shift a couple of times in order to be able to help me out. She was right though. Where would it end? I had to become self-sufficient.

Laura directed me toward the door, leaving me no choice except to ponder what she'd said. She was right and I knew she cared. She wouldnt have pushed me in the direction of the club had she understood the perilousness that kind of environment would provide for me. We both had the best of intentions and no idea that this would be something that changed me so profoundly.

That conversation had been yesterday and here I was, duffle bag over my shoulder, about to hop out of a taxi-cab in the parking lot of 'Curves Cabaret'. Laura had come by my apartment after we had talked and given me the things I would need to start work. I made no declaration that I would be there and she didn't ask for one but we both understood that somehow I would gather up the courage to show up. I was determined, if only to salvage my electricity for a month or so