S UDD EN LY S UBU R BA N

A D V I C E F O R N E W A R R I VA L S
BY DAN Z EV I N, AU T HOR OF DAN G E TS A M INIVAN: LIF E AT T HE I N T E RSECTI O N OF D UD E AND DAD
DAN ZEVI N I S A M A J O R TA L E N T. I WA N T TO K I L L H I M. DAVE BA RRY

When you first move to the suburbs, it may be difficult to meet lots of people, so focus on making even one friend, who has a pool. Building contractors who say they can start the job on Wednesday are talking about a different Wednesday than you are. The four phases of suburban lawn care are: old-school push mower, gas-guzzling power mower, high school student, gardener. For the price of one meatball at that trendy charcuterie in the city, you can buy the whole cow at Costco. Love thy neighbor, but know it is easier to love thy neighbor when thy neighbor resurfaces his driveway and thusly increases thy real estate values.

The longer you deny your desire for a stainless steel gas barbecue grill with flush-mounted side burners, the longer it will be until you free your inner suburbanite and lead a fulfilling existence.

As you settle into a familyfriendly lifestyle and the comforts of your own home, remember: there is a fine line between a happy suburban couple curled up on the couch and two carcasses whove fallen asleep to the same Netflix movie theyve tried to watch for five Saturday nights in a row. Show me someone who says they could never move to the suburbs because it means theyll have to drive everywhere, and Ill show you someone whos never stood next to a guy on a rush hour subway who picked his nose and wiped the boogie on the pole they were holding. Youre either on the minivan or off the minivan.

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If your city friends dont visit you within the first seven months of your suburban stay, they are not going to visit you.

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