(A few half-hearted claps from the audience.) And in the near corner, we havethe lean, ferocious, flying, fire-breathing dragon, with his razor-sharp teeth and hiswicked claws. Everybody, give it up for…
(The crowd explodes.) Just going by looks, it’s easy to see why the people love Charizard. Charizard is hot. Charizard issexy. Charizard is sleek, powerful, and utterly destructive. He is the Hummer of Pokémon; Blastoise is just a Chevy Astrovan. Who cares if the van can seat more people,or even if it has better mileage? One of the important lessons I learned from Pokémonwas that appearances are everything.Logically, one would think that the Blastoise’s water cannons would be able to putout the Charizard’s fiery breath, giving it the advantage in the battle. The key tounraveling the paradox of the game, though, is the knowledge that logic is simply animaginary concept that was fabricated by philosophers and has no application in the realworld. When I realized this, it was too late for me, but my purpose in writing this is toedify you, the reader, while you still have time. If you want to get anywhere, logic is notgoing to get you there. Have you ever gotten a date by logic? Have you ever gotten araise for using logic? Have you ever even seen a politician get elected based on the logicof his arguments? Of course not. In this society, the appropriate and prudent course of conduct is to fly by the seat of one’s pants, directed by one’s urges and whims andtrusting only in one’s gut instincts. This is the policy our civilization has long sworn by,and you can only stand to benefit by taking heed of it. So that you might not take this for empty sophistry, I will have take the liberty of providing some salient examples. Consider Luke Skywalker, one of the most admirable heroes of late antiquity. Where computer targeting systems had failed, he destroyed the impregnable Death Star by turning off hiscomputer and trusting his feelings. Consider every virtuous man who has earned hisimmortal rank in our venerable American mythology: Daniel Boone, Indiana Jones, theTerminator, Walker: Texas Ranger, et al. What was the one common feature they possessed that allowed them to achieve great deeds? They shot first and asked questionslater. Thinking takes too much time; that’s why scientists invented Sparknotes. In fact, if one thinks too much one is most likely to either become homeless or die. An intellectualnever leaves a lasting contribution to society, which is the reason why nobody remembersor cares about names such as René Descartes or Ralph Waldo Emerson. But societyremembers the valor men like 50 Cent, who was shot nine times and lived to tell the tale.(In light of this, it is clear that 50 Cent is more qualified for the presidency than either John F. Kennedy or Abraham Lincoln, and I endorse him for the election in 2012.)To become great, whether it’s in
or in other worthy pursuits, one mustmanage something I would call
Achilles, Napoleon Bonaparte, James Bond,Wolverine…all the movers and shakers of the world have possessed this quality. Whatthey had is
complete disregard for the established conventions and traditions of society.
Even Santa Clause had to break and enter…. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule(Luke Skywalker, to use a recycled example), but there are exceptions to every rule—thatis the point. The most worthless conventions, those most deserving to be ignored, arethose airy ones about
respect for every person
andthings like that. Weak people, like priests or pathetic lowlifes who are envious of others’success, love to tell these lies to try to drag everyone else down to their level. That is whyyou must never listen to religious or humanitarian teachings. Forget about Jesus or Buddha; they may have been real people, but useless failures exploit their legends to their