what i remember going into that place was the huge yawning emptinessof everything. the streets are clean and empty, and there are huge vacantlots waiting for some rich person to buy it and build another hugemansion for their families to live in. the houses are clean and they allhave servants. they have drivers and maids, and the drivers and themaids have their own quarters at the back of the house. their television ishuge and they have several. the sterility of that place manifests as well,no it derives from, the sterility of their souls. i was never comfortable thewhole time i was there. i felt guilt, which was weird, since i did nothingwrong. it was just too different from my usual environment, i reasoned,and after this, i would go out into the normal world. what 'this' was icould not remember now. it was probably a group presentation orsomething. the teachers loved giving us group presentations. it usuallyends up with me doing all the work. but it did not matter. nothing did atthat time. i still think nothing matters now as well, but the feeling isdifferent.these past few days of freedom, something shifted in my perspective. allthose moments inside, dreaming of being in the outside. and then nowi'm in the outside, and i feel great. that moment the doctor told me that ican go home, i almost jumped out of my bed and into the corridors of theinfirmary. freedom is something you can really only understand once youare deprived of it, like water or air, or love. the shift in my perspectivemanifested itself in continous and subdued feelings of guilt. like i am justwasting other people's time, like thinking that coming here was a badidea, a waste of time and resources, and that i should have donesomething else. anything else. but instead i am here, and am just movingwith the momentum that the earlier gravity of the decisions have made.boredom, frustration, the usual. 'boredom is merely masked frustration,'ursula le guin, the dispossessed.i am hoping for another way of seeing, something to keep me from thetotal brunt of the boredom and frustration. because boredom is alsoanother kind of pain. now it's alternating between periods of extremeboredom and terror. well, not terror, but unwelcome surprises, whichgiven the character that my mind is in right now, is well about the same.