Sample College Essay Review

Original College Essay
Essay Topic
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and

describe that influence. (250-500 words)
I would stay that the ultimate significant person who has had an
influence on me is my coach, Coach Johnson, of my soccer team. When I
first joined the soccer team I was not very good because I had just
moved to Pleasantvillle and had not played soccer before, also I was
over weight.
When I got to the team, everyone there had played before and they
didn’t know me The coach Caryn Johnson at first called all the
players buy their last names, like Tomassi and Iger, but she called me
by my first name, Emily. I told myself that she would be happy and
comfortable enough withi me to call me by my last name. I spoke to
Coach Johnson after class and told her it was my goal to be a really
good soccer player and maybe a goalie. I wanted to be a goalie because
the goalie is the ultimate responsible person on the team and I wanted
to belong and be important. She did not laugh at me and she helped me
design a workout so I would lose weight which involed doing a lot of
laps. Also she helped work with me on other days that we were not
playing soccer after school even though she was very busy and she had
children. It was an influence on me because she worked very hard and
was very nice and made me better. I also lost 20 pounds which was
great.
On the last game of the season she made me a goalie and I started the
game. I did not allow one ball into the goal! When the other team,
the Tigers, was shooting at the goal she finally yelled “Get it,
Yarrow! (my last name.) That made me the proudest. To conclude,
Coach Johnson was a very influencial person in my life and has made me
want to continue to be an athlete and an essential person.
Reviewed College Essay
Vault Essay Editor's Comments:
You’ve chosen a revealing and uplifting episode as the subject of your

essay. The story of overcoming obstacles with the help of a caring
coach is one that readers will relate to easily. You also demonstrate
that you have the persistence and motivation to work for your goals—
just the type of quality admissions officers want to see.
I’ve tightened up the language throughout the essay and made the tone
less conversational and more direct. While you don’t need to write
formally, you do want to sound mature. Avoid repeating the same idea in
different parts of the essay and choose your words carefully—each one
should serve a specific function. In some places I added detail to make
the story more vivid (e.g. in paragraph two, “arrived at the first
practice” in place of “got to the team”). Don’t forget to use
punctuation.
The essay does a good job of explaining the challenge that was before
you, but doesn’t dive deep enough into the second half of the
experience – how hard it was to transform yourself and how the lessons
you learned from Coach Johnson can be applied to other parts of your
life.
Here are my specific recommendations:
Paragraph One:
Draw a stronger contrast between yourself as a new team member and the
person you wanted to become. What was Coach Johnson’s role here? Use
this opening graph to set the stage and give the reader a hint of what
type of story you’re going to tell. Feel free to add specific details
that can set your story apart from other similar tales of personal
growth through team sports. For example, did you always want to play
sports but lacked the confidence?
Paragraph Two:
Consider breaking this section into two paragraphs. Think about the
transformation you were working for—to become a better player and to be
part of the team. What were the hardest parts? How did your team
members and friends respond to the changes in you? Sure, Coach Johnson
helped you exercise more and improve your soccer skills, but how did
she shape your thinking, your motivation, your confidence, your
approach to adversity? What did you realize about yourself?
Paragraph Three:
Think of the last paragraph as a conclusion that also looks ahead. What
did blocking those goals prove to you? How will you apply what you
learned from Coach Johnson to future obstacles?
Deleted: I would stay
Essay Topic: that the ultimate
significant person who
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and has had an influence on
describe that influence. (250-500 words) me is my coach, Coach
Johnson, of my soccer
team. …first …soccer
My soccer coach Caryn [Karen?] Johnson has had a tremendous influence was not very good
on me. When I joined the team [freshman? sophomore?] year I had just because I had just moved
moved to Pleasantville, [what state?]. I had never played soccer before to Pleasantvillle and
and I was [20 pounds?] overweight . But Coach Johnson dedicated herself had not …, also…over
to helping me become a better athlete. weight ... [1]
Use this last sentence in the first paragraph as a "tease" for the rest
Comment [MT1]: Use this last
of the essay. Briefly explain why Coach Johnson has been an important sentence in the first paragraph as a
figure. How did she change you? "tease" for the rest of the essay.
Briefly explain why Coach Johnson
When I arrived at the first practice , everyone else had already played has been an important figure. How
together the previous year and so were comfortable with one another. did she change you?
Coach Johnson immediately called all the players by their last names, Deleted: ¶
like Tomassi and Iger, but I was new so she called me Emily. I decided
then Deleted: got to the
team…there …before and
they didn’t know me
“told myself” works fine grammatically but is repetitive in this
The c…Caryn …at first
sentence because of “me” and “my” buy …by my first name,...
… [2]
to make her happy and comfortable enough with me to call me by my last Comment [MT2]: “told myself”
name. One day after school I told Coach Johnson I wanted to become a works fine grammatically but is
good soccer player, maybe even a goalie. repetitive in this sentence because
...of [3]
Deleted: told myself
too much repetition in “goal” and “goalie” that ... [4]
Deleted: she would be
After all, the goalie has to be the most responsible person on the team i…spoke to …after class
and I wanted to be an important part of the team. She did not laugh at and told her it was my... [5]
me, but encouraged me to work hard for that target. Coach Johnson
Comment [MT3]: too much
helped me design a workout so I would lose weight. repetition in “goal” and “goalie”
Describe your workout in a sentence or two. Was it grueling? How many Deleted: really …and …I
... [6]
days a week was it? Was this the first time in your life you tried to Deleted: wanted to be a
lose weight? Did you grow discouraged, and did Coach Johnson help you goalie because …is the
stay motivated? ultimate… and …long and
... [7]
Comment [MT4]: Describe your
Even though she was very busy with her own family, she helped me train workout in a sentence or two. Was it
on days when we did not have soccer practice . grueling? How many days a week ... [8]
Deleted: which involed
One or two details about the training would really make the anecdote
doing a lot of laps.
come alive. Did she work with you on particular soccer skills?
Deleted: Also …work with
In the end, the extra weight came off and I finally learned to [list a me …other …that …were
soccer skill here]—something I never thought I’d be able to do. More not playing… ... [9]
importantly, I realized that … Comment [MT5]: One or two
details about the training would
What did Coach Johnson teach you about yourself? Did she show you that really make the anecdote come...alive.[10]
you had the strength to achieve your goals? That you can change Deleted: It was an
yourself if you put your mind to it? influence on me because
she worked very hard ... and [11]
In the last game of the season Coach Johnson chose me to start as Deleted: On …she …made
goalie. All our hard work paid off--I did not allow even one goal! When a… and I started the
our opponents were shooting for the goal Coach Johnson yelled “Get it, game…ball into the … ... [12]
Yarrow!”I felt so proud for finally winning her respect as a member of Deleted: (my last
the team–-that achievement meant more to me than the goals I blocked. name.) That made me the
How has this experience influenced your life outside soccer? Thanks to proudest
Coach Johnson, will you now have the confidence to take on more Deleted: To conclude,
challenges? Link Coach Johnson and the lessons you learned through Coach Johnson was a very
sports with your life and your sense of self. influencial person in my
life and has made me
want to continue to be
an athlete and an
essential person.
Deleted: ¶
Page 2: [1] Deleted Michelle Tsai 8/25/2006 10:25:00 AM
I would stay that the ultimate significant person who has had an
influence on me is my coach, Coach Johnson, of my soccer team.
first
soccer
was not very good because I had just moved to Pleasantvillle and had
not
, also
over weight
got to the team
there
before and they didn’t know me The c
Caryn
at first
buy
by my first name,
Page 2: [3] Comment [MT2] Michelle Tsai 8/25/2006 11:42:00 AM

“told myself” works fine grammatically but is repetitive in this sentence because of “me”
and “my”
told myself
that
she would be
i
spoke to
after class and told her it was my goal
really
and
I
wanted to be a goalie because
is the ultimate
and
long and be

and s
he
Describe your workout in a sentence or two. Was it grueling? How many days a week
was it? Was this the first time in your life you tried to lose weight? Did you grow
discouraged, and did Coach Johnson help you stay motivated?
Also
work with me
other
that
were not playing
soccer
after school even though she was very busy and she had children
One or two details about the training would really make the anecdote come alive. Did she
work with you on particular soccer skills?
It was an influence on me because she worked very hard and was very
nice and made me better. I also lost 20 pounds which was great.
On
she
made
a
and I started the game
ball into the

the other team, the Tigers, was
at
she

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Original College Essay

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and

Vault Essay Editor's Comments:

You’ve chosen a revealing and uplifting episode as the subject of your

Here are my specific recommendations:

Page 2: [3] Comment [MT2] Michelle Tsai 8/25/2006 11:42:00 AM

Page 2: [7] Deleted Michelle Tsai 8/25/2006 11:20:00 AM

Page 2: [12] Deleted Michelle Tsai 8/25/2006 11:43:00 AM

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