How Not To Write a Suicide NoteMost people who know me think I’m an asshole. Most people who don’t, think I’m agenius. I fall somewhere in between. I know I’m an asshole. To be an asshole isvery liberating because at least I know I am honest. Nice people however are justliars. Nice people want what’s best for themselves just like I do, except theylie about it. They lie out of selfishness, because they want the world to look atthem in a nice way. If nice people weren’t such liars they would be assholes too.So far I have written fourteen bestselling self help books and three bestsellingautobiography’s. I am the third richest author ever. A newspaper lately claimedthat I have saved more lives than God has killed (a bit of an exaggeration butI’ll take it). I have been a guest on the Oprah Winfrey show more than anybodyelse. Last week I came first in a public poll which asked ’Which celebrity wouldyou most like to see become president?’ I have a beautiful wife and fourfantastic kids. You are about to hear the true story of the life of MalcolmCorner. I have just taken an overdose of chemicals which will kill me in fortyminutes, actually thirty nine minutes which should be enough time to type thetruth for the first time. I want to go out with honesty. Like a true asshole.I wasn’t always like this. I’m sure I began life like everybody else. I don’tthink I was a prick when I popped out of my Mother. The things I saw in my firstfew days on this luscious planet made me who I am. Forget all the lies you mayhave heard me tell in interviews and in my first autobiography ‘Turning theCorner’ I did not have a happy childhood. My father and mother never really goton. At least since I was born. My older brother and sister told me that theystarted fighting when I was born. They fought about stupid shit like politics andtheir views in general which never seemed to be in common. They never agreed onanything. I once heard my mother state that if we call flies, flies then maybeflies call everything else walks. This was a pretty silly thing to say but myfather found it so furiously stupid that it sent him into a rage that culminatedin him hitting her to floor.After what my brother and sister said about thearguments starting with my birth I completely blamed myself. It wasn’t even thepain that my parents went through that caused the blame but seeing my brother andsister suffer so much really made me feel like I wasn’t wanted in this family. Ithought that they would all be better off without me. I ran away when I wasthirteen. I never saw my family again. This is when my addiction to movingstarted. I find it physically impossible to stay in the same place for too long.It has often resulted in me abandoning places and people I love to feed myaddiction.I travelled around a lot afterleaving home. I worked every kind of job that was going. I saw every kind ofhorrible person that walked this fertile earth. I think this is when mypersonality really started to form. I could see that the most evil, disgustinglymean people were also the most successful. The weak, nice people however werealways on the bottom rung of every ladder. I decided that I would climb everyladder no matter what or who got in my way. I tried to test this out in a shop Ifound a job in on the east coast. I started bossing people around as soon as I gotthere. I didn’t know what I was talking about but it sounded like I did. I gotpromoted and kept getting promoted until I was running the shop. I moved to NewYork where I put this same principal into action and ended up running many veryprofitable businesses.