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how not to write a suicide note

how not to write a suicide note

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Published by: Sean loves my name on Scribd on Jan 01, 2009
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09/14/2012

 
How Not To Write a Suicide NoteMost people who know me think I’m an asshole. Most people who don’t, think I’m agenius. I fall somewhere in between. I know I’m an asshole. To be an asshole isvery liberating because at least I know I am honest. Nice people however are justliars. Nice people want what’s best for themselves just like I do, except theylie about it. They lie out of selfishness, because they want the world to look atthem in a nice way. If nice people weren’t such liars they would be assholes too.So far I have written fourteen bestselling self help books and three bestsellingautobiography’s. I am the third richest author ever. A newspaper lately claimedthat I have saved more lives than God has killed (a bit of an exaggeration butI’ll take it). I have been a guest on the Oprah Winfrey show more than anybodyelse. Last week I came first in a public poll which asked ’Which celebrity wouldyou most like to see become president?’ I have a beautiful wife and fourfantastic kids. You are about to hear the true story of the life of MalcolmCorner. I have just taken an overdose of chemicals which will kill me in fortyminutes, actually thirty nine minutes which should be enough time to type thetruth for the first time. I want to go out with honesty. Like a true asshole.I wasn’t always like this. I’m sure I began life like everybody else. I don’tthink I was a prick when I popped out of my Mother. The things I saw in my firstfew days on this luscious planet made me who I am. Forget all the lies you mayhave heard me tell in interviews and in my first autobiography ‘Turning theCorner’ I did not have a happy childhood. My father and mother never really goton. At least since I was born. My older brother and sister told me that theystarted fighting when I was born. They fought about stupid shit like politics andtheir views in general which never seemed to be in common. They never agreed onanything. I once heard my mother state that if we call flies, flies then maybeflies call everything else walks. This was a pretty silly thing to say but myfather found it so furiously stupid that it sent him into a rage that culminatedin him hitting her to floor.After what my brother and sister said about thearguments starting with my birth I completely blamed myself. It wasn’t even thepain that my parents went through that caused the blame but seeing my brother andsister suffer so much really made me feel like I wasn’t wanted in this family. Ithought that they would all be better off without me. I ran away when I wasthirteen. I never saw my family again. This is when my addiction to movingstarted. I find it physically impossible to stay in the same place for too long.It has often resulted in me abandoning places and people I love to feed myaddiction.I travelled around a lot afterleaving home. I worked every kind of job that was going. I saw every kind ofhorrible person that walked this fertile earth. I think this is when mypersonality really started to form. I could see that the most evil, disgustinglymean people were also the most successful. The weak, nice people however werealways on the bottom rung of every ladder. I decided that I would climb everyladder no matter what or who got in my way. I tried to test this out in a shop Ifound a job in on the east coast. I started bossing people around as soon as I gotthere. I didn’t know what I was talking about but it sounded like I did. I gotpromoted and kept getting promoted until I was running the shop. I moved to NewYork where I put this same principal into action and ended up running many veryprofitable businesses.
 
People began to ask me how I became so successful. I saw in this another promisingbusiness adventure. Education of the masses I like to call it. I released my firstself help book called ‘How Not To Be A Waster’. My marketing scheme as far asliterature is concerned has always been simple. Shove in peoples faces what theyare most in secure about, in this case being a waster and tell them how not to beit. It worked like a charm. Sometimes my book titles and straight talking werecontroversial but the publicity of controversy can never be understated. The ‘HowNot To’ series of books became the most successful series of self help books everpublished and I owe a lot of it to my controversial titles. My two best-sellersare ‘How Not To Be A Fat Bastard’ and ‘How Not To Always Go Home With The UglyBitch‘.My books were mostly directed at helping men which of course pissed offfeminists. Of all the people on this glorious star that piss me off the most itsfeminists. What really do they stand for in this day and age? They go on about howterrible men are and how all men are sexist. What a fucking contradiction. Womenwho weren’t feminists adored me. Its funny, I helped improve the male race and thepeople who are most grateful are women. ‘How Not To Fuck Up Your Marriage’ is whatreally saved the women. Women who were in relationships loved me because I keptthem together and women who weren’t loved me because they thought I knew exactlywhat women wanted. If you have bought any of my books I would now like to take this opportunity toapologise to you. It was probably the biggest waste of money you ever spent. Mybooks tell people nothing that they don’t already know. I honestly know fuck allabout weight loss. In ‘How Not To Be A Fat Bastard’ I just state the obvious. Allyou really need to do is get up off your fat ass, don’t eat as much and get afuckin’ bit of exercise. Nobody had the balls to ever tell people the shit that isobviously the cause of their pain. People come out with new diets every day, allthey are is a cowards attempt at stating the obvious. I was the first person whofinally said it. I saved shit loads of lives and made myself very rich.I have always been obsessed with time. I am compulsively punctual.That doesn’t mean I am always early for everything. It just means I am always ontime. I hate being early and I am never late. Nothing depresses me more than thewaste of time and waiting is the thing in life that frustrates me most. When I wasseven my father gave me the stopwatch I keep in my pocket to this day. When hegave it to me he told me a story.“Many years ago” he said “People looked at their calendarsand watches and realised that a very special time was upon them. It would be theanniversary of the invention of time. Everybody decided to celebrate this occasionby stopping their watches and clocks for one second. So everybody around the worldat the same time pressed their buttons and held their dials for one second. Onlywhen they did this the whole world started to fall apart. Nobody knew when thesecond would end because nobody could tell the time. For some infinity would passby in what seemed like a second and for others the exact opposite would happen.Peoples brains melted because nobody could hold onto memories when they didn’tknow how long ago they happened. The world slipped into a time warp until one manemerged from his home. This man had lived his whole life in a time warp so henever had heard about the celebration. His stopwatch still read the correct time.He saved the world by correcting the time on every single clock and watch. Thisman had lived a very boring and meaningless life so he decided to put time back towhen he was a child so he could live his life again. He became the wealthiest,most successful man that has ever breathed fresh air. I met him one time when Iwas your age and he told me his story. He gave me his watch and told me to give itto my son when he turns seven. This is the watch that stopped time.”The one personwho could never benefit from any of my books is my wife Rita. Since I met her she

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