EXT: REAR WALL OF CABIN NIGHT The back wall of one of the cabins.

. A large window looks into a bedroom. THE SERIAL KILLER is standing next to the bed, looking curiously at HOT CHICK IN RED SWEATER 1 impaled through the head on a baseball bat. He is easily holding her up off the floor with one hand. GUY IN CAMO pants is looking through the window, horrified. His friend, GUY WITH BAD TAN crouches anxiously next to him. Guy in camo pants suddenly crouches too, out of sight of the Serial Killer. GUY IN CAMO PANTS (whispering) I can't believe it! She's dead! GUY WITH BAD TAN (too loud) What? What did you see? Who's dead? GUY IN CAMO PANTS (in a harsh, terrified whisper) Some big fucking dude with a sack on his head ran a goddamn bat through her head! He fuckin' killed her, man! GUY WITH BAD TAN (whispering now as well) WHO? Who's dead? GUY IN CAMO PANTS That hot chick in the red sweater! GUY WITH BAD TAN Wait, there were two chicks in red sweaters today, remember? They got into that huge catfight over it! Seemed like an overreaction, but who's complaining? GUY IN CAMO PANTS The blonde, you know, the blonde one. GUY WITH BAD TAN Dude, they were both blonde! What was her NAME? GUY IN CAMO PANTS (frustrated) Umm, fuck. I don't remember. She was the one who was hanging around with... that guy with the Hooters cap. I... don't remember his name either. GUY WITH BAD TAN (dawning realization) Yeah, I know him. He's best friends with, uh, the overweight guy with the anime T-shirts and his sister, the slutty chick. Oh, fuck me. Fuck ME. GUY IN CAMO PANTS What?

GUY WITH BAD TAN This can't be. Dude, what's my name? GUY IN CAMO PANTS Th' fuck kind of a question is that? We went to high school together, remember? On the drive up here we told everyone about that time we pantsed the band teacher? Totally established our long friendship? GUY WITH BAD TAN Great. So what's my fucking name? GUY IN CAMO PANTS I know this, it's... uh... you're the guy with the bad tan, right, so your name is.... Why the fuck can't I remember? GUY WITH BAD TAN (horrified) Dude, I can't fucking remember it either! What's YOUR name? GUY IN CAMO PANTS (stunned silence, then meekly) I don't know. GUY WITH BAD TAN Holy fuck. Holy FUCK! Dude, do you know what this is? Abandoned summer camp, horny young people, big spectacular cat fight for no reason, some beer, some pot, everyone goes off on their own or in pairs after dark, some big fucking dude with a sack on his head is running around killing people... we're in a fucking horror movie! And we're not even important enough to have fucking names! We're fucking DOOMED, man! GUY IN CAMO PANTS That's... that's bullshit. No way, no fuckin' way. That's not possible! GUY WITH BAD TAN You got another explanation? When was the last time you heard in the news about one guy killing a bunch of people with a fucking baseball bat, huh? Never, because that kind of shit NEVER HAPPENS. It only happens in shitty fuckin' movies! GUY IN CAMO PANTS No. No. No. No. NO. That's... you're fuckin' high still, man, that's all. As they argue, their voices gradually get louder and louder.

GUY WITH BAD TAN I'm high? You're the one who fucking saw Jason fucking Myers or whatever in there. Did he look like I was fucking high? GUY IN CAMO PANTS That doesn't even make sense! FUCK! Look, we have to get out of here. GUY WITH BAD TAN We can't get out of here, don't you get it? The cell phones won't get any reception, the cars won't start, the road will be blocked, if there was a fucking stable here the horses would all have fucking heart attacks if we tried to ride them out! We're the goddamned victims, man! We don't get out! GUY IN CAMO PANTS No way, I am NOT going to accept this. NO. I am not some shit-eating victim that's just gonna stand there and get killed, goddammit! GUY WITH BAD TAN Oh, you're not, huh? So how long have we been hiding here underneath the window where you just saw someone get murdered, arguing like idiots, huh? Does that sound like the behavior of a fucking SURVIVOR? Camera has pulled back during this argument to show that someone has approached the window. They BOTH look up to see THE SERIAL KILLER standing there. He swings the bat, SHATTERING the glass, and leans out, groping for their heads. BOTH (together) FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! They flee, hauling ass through the weeds toward the camp office, the building that's in the best shape. They burst through the door and SLAM it behind them, throwing furniture to barricade it. INT: OFFICE CABIN NIGHT The cabin office hasn't seen use in many years. There's a dusty desk, a ratty couch, and assorted scattered debris. A door leads off to the kitchen area, and a large sliding glass door looks out on the lake. GUY IN CAMO PANTS Oh, fuck, man! Where is everybody! GUY WITH BAD TAN Well, we're still alive, so they can't all be dead.

GUY IN CAMO PANTS Will you knock that shit off? You're creeping me out worse than the fucker with the bat! GUY WITH BAD TAN Tell you what, I'll knock it off if you can name everyone we're staying here with. GUY IN CAMO PANTS Oh fuck, there's... there's the overweight guy with the anime T-shirts and his sister, the slutty chick. GUY WITH BAD TAN just nods knowingly. GUY IN CAMO PANTS There's the guy with the Hooters cap, the two hot chicks in the red sweaters... no wait, when they arrived they were wearing a blue sweater and one had a purple one. There's the caretaker who's probably crazy, does he count? There's the new girl, Veronica. And that hitchhiker she arrived with, uh, Mark. GUY WITH BAD TAN Yes! Veronica and Mark! Named! She has to be the Final Girl, and he's tagging along in her safety zone! GUY IN CAMO PANTS Enough with this shit! I just can't remember well under stress, that's all this is! GUY WITH BAD TAN Your own name, you can't remember your own fucking name because you're stressed, right. As GUY WITH BAD TAN speaks, he's prowling around the room looking for weapons. Oh, fuck off. GUY IN CAMO PANTS

GUY IN CAMO PANTS also starts looking for anything that can be used to defend themselves. GUY WITH BAD TAN straightens up suddenly, struck with sudden inspiration. GUY WITH BAD TAN Oh shit, I've got it! We have to break out of the pattern, change the script! GUY IN CAMO PANTS just rolls his eyes, disgusted. GUY IN CAMO PANTS I told you to stop with that shit, all right. What about this? GUY IN CAMO PANTS waves a sawed-off broomstick.

GUY WITH BAD TAN Yeah, great, if he pees on the rug, we can smack his nose with it. You know that was holding the back door shut, right? GUY IN CAMO PANTS SHIT! GUY IN CAMO PANTS hurriedly replaces the stick in the sliding door, peering anxiously into the darkness for a minute. GUY WITH BAD TAN Look, Veronica and Mark have names because they're important to the story, they're going to survive. At least Veronica is, she's got to be the Final Girl. Mark probably will, too. We need to be important, we need names! GUY IN CAMO PANTS Jesus H. Fucksticks, man, even if you're right, that's fuckin' stupid. GUY WITH BAD TAN You got a better idea? GUY IN CAMO PANTS Yeah, we find some weapons and get the fuck out of here! It's only maybe 10 miles to town, we just stay in the middle of the road and run like fuckin' crazy. GUY WITH BAD TAN It'll never work, we'd never make it as far as the road. Or if we did the guy would just appear in front of us like magic and kill us both. GUY IN CAMO PANTS You bring that idea up one more time and I will fucking kill you myself and tell the cops that he did it. Who's gonna question that, huh? GUY WITH BAD TAN (sighing) There's no kind of weapons in here anyway. We could strangle him with the cord to the blinds, but I don't think he'd stand still for it. There's an awkward pause as GUY WITH BAD TAN ponders something. Kevin! Kevin what? GUY WITH BAD TAN Kevin, I'm calling you Kevin. GUY WITH BAD TAN (CONT'D) GUY IN CAMO PANTS

GUY IN CAMO PANTS My name isn't Kevin. GUY WITH BAD TAN You don't have a fucking name! GUY IN CAMO PANTS Goddammit, check my fuckin' driver's license! GUY IN CAMO PANTS fumbles in his pocket but doesn't find his wallet. GUY IN CAMO PANTS (CONT'D) My wallet's missing, shit! GUY WITH BAD TAN It's not missing, you just don't have one. We're on a camping trip in an abandoned summer camp. You'd never need a wallet, so it's not in the script! GUY IN CAMO PANTS I warned you about that shit! GUY WITH BAD TAN If you want to live, you'll fucking listen to me, Kevin! Or maybe Kyle. Shit, I don't know. Name me! What? GUY IN CAMO PANTS

GUY WITH BAD TAN I need a fucking name, Kyle! GUY IN CAMO PANTS Don't call me that! Goddammit, fine, uh.... Huh, this is hard. Ummm... Scott, how's that? GUY WITH BAD TAN Scott, Scott... I like it! GUY IN CAMO PANTS Fanfuckingtastic. I had a cat named Scott once. He was an asshole, too. Now let's find some weapons and get the fu-With a crash, the window behind him EXPLODES inward, a baseball bat BURSTING from GUY IN CAMO PANTS' chest. In the window stands THE SERIAL KILLER, eyes gleaming black in the eyeholes of his makeshift mask. GUY WITH BAD TAN (screaming) KYYYYYLLLLLE!!!! THE SERIAL KILLER wrenches the bat from GUY IN CAMO PANTS' chest. His body drops to the floor, lifeless eyes open wide, blood pouring from the hole in his chest.

GUY WITH BAD TAN Oh, Kyle.... No, Kevin. Definitely a Kevin. SHIT. THE SERIAL KILLER smashes the rest of the glass out of the frame and prepares to climb inside. GUY WITH BAD TAN closes his eyes, ready to die. VERONICA suddenly appears in the doorway to the kitchen, battered and disheveled, but alive. VERONICA Scott! Quick, come this way! SCOTT whirls to face her, stunned. SCOTT You... you know my name! Holy shit, it worked! Scott! I'm Scott!! VERONICA That's great, Scott. Come on, we have to get to the barn! We can defend ourselves there! SCOTT pauses, looking down at the corpse of KEVIN. SCOTT I'm sorry, Kevin. I should have trusted my instincts. SCOTT then flees with Veronica out the kitchen door just as THE SERIAL KILLER climbs in through the window. They both flee from the cabin toward the barn. Behind them, the front door of the office BURSTS open and THE SERIAL KILLER charges out, bloody bat held high. EXT: THE COURTYARD - NIGHT SCOTT What happened to Mark? VERONICA That jerk abandoned me! We found a motorcycle in the barn. He tossed me the helmet that was on the seat, and while I was putting it on, he just hopped right on and took off! Left me standing there! SCOTT Of course, the douchey villain! A vital character! VERONICA What? (confused)

SCOTT Ah, nothing. Nothing. Don't worry, I've got a feeling that he didn't get very far, not behaving like that. Movie karma is a nine-legged bitch. CUT TO:

EXT: COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT The spinning wheel of a motorcycle lying on its side. Pan slowly across bike, stopping on feet dangling into frame. Pan up to reveal MARK impaled through his neck with a broken canoe paddle rammed into a tree. Blood has run in thick streams down his chest and slowly drips off his shoes. A crow is perched on the paddle's handle, plucking an eye from Mark's face. Yum. EXT: THE COURTYARD - NIGHT BACK TO:

VERONICA eyes SCOTT suspiciously, suspecting he's cracking under the pressure. VERONICA Are you feeling all right? SCOTT Oh, I'm feeling great now that I'm with you. There's the barn! They enter the barn and push the heavy doors shut, barring them with a thick board. INT: THE BARN NIGHT Dimly lit, dust in the air, the barn is a creepy place even in the daytime. An abandoned tractor is parked under the hayloft. On the far wall, a rack of assorted farm tools hangs, dusty and forgotten. VERONICA OK, there's all kinds of sharp tools over on the wall there. I figure we get up into the loft with some of the longer tools, and we can hold him off as long as we have to, maybe even kill that darned creep. She spits out the word creep like a vile epithet. SCOTT You call that motherfucker a CREEP? VERONICA What? My mom hated swearing, all right? Sheesh! SCOTT Oh, you are SO wholesome. SCOTT heaves a heavy sigh of relief. SCOTT (CONT'D) We're gonna be fine. SCOTT points to the tractor. Does that run? SCOTT (CONT'D)

VERONICA No, I tried it. Totally dead. SCOTT Can we push it in front of the doors, at least? VERONICA It's a rusted mess. I don't think it's going anywhere. SCOTT Shit. Well, OK, tools. Let's get armed up and get into position. VERONICA Roger that. VERONICA grins encouragingly at SCOTT, who returns her smile. Could there be some chemistry here? They both head to the far wall, selecting tools. SCOTT picks the biggest pitchfork, VERONICA grabs a rusty tree-pruning saw with a broken blade that comes to a jagged point. They climb the ladder into the loft and settle down, leaning against some bales of hay, weapons at the ready. Camera lingers on the remaining pointy implements of destruction. VERONICA Do you think he'll find us here? SCOTT He was right behind us, so I'm pretty sure he saw us go in here. Is there anyone else left? VERONICA (shaking her head) I don't think so. I found bodies in the shower room, hanging... it was horrible. SCOTT (muttering to himself) The discovery of the bodies. Not much time left now. VERONICA What? SCOTT (startled) Not much time left until sunrise, I think. VERONICA I can't wait to see the sun again. Do you think he'll give up? SCOTT No, you pretty much have to kill these guys. They never give up. And for fuck's sake, don't just hit him once and walk away, all right? Keep pounding on him until your arms cramp up.

VERONICA (smiling) You sound like you know a lot about these things. SCOTT I should, I've seen enough movies. VERONICA Real life isn't like the movies, Scott. SCOTT just rolls his eyes. VERONICA (laughing nervously) You know, I was hoping we'd get to spend some time together on this trip. Just not like this. (puzzled) What do you mean? SCOTT

VERONICA Well, it's just... I've always had kind of a crush on you. I was just too shy to say anything. SCOTT's expression goes blank, then fills with fear. SCOTT No, NO. Do NOT say that right now. VERONICA (looking hurt) What? Don't you like me? SCOTT I like you just fine, AS A FRIEND! SCOTT announces that last part to the barn, or perhaps the universe, at large. SCOTT (CONT'D) Just a friend! I swear! VERONICA casts her gaze downward, clearly stung by Scott's apparent rejection. VERONICA You don't have to be a creep about it, Scott. I've just always wished you would ask me out sometime. I think we would go really well together. SCOTT Well, fuck. Unrequited love. Pathos. Shit. SCOTT puts his hands to his head and slides to the floor, ending up flat on his back.

SCOTT (CONT'D) Important character, still doomed. Thanks a lot, bi-His words are cut off as a row of four spikes emerges vertically from his chest in a spray of blood. Chunks of organ are caught on the tips. VERONICA screams. VERONICA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CUT TO: Long view of the scene to reveal THE SERIAL KILLER standing on the tractor, thrusting a pitchfork through the floor of the loft. He yanks it out with a horrible sound. VERONICA (screaming hysterically) You rotten motherfucker! You killed him! SCOTT lies on the floor of the loft, blood pouring from the four holes in his chest. He turns to VERONICA, a question in his eyes. SCOTT

(weakly) You... you cursed.

VERONICA (tearfully) Well, my bitch of a mom isnt here now, is she? SCOTT frowns, a terrible idea occurring to him. SCOTT I... have to... ask. Are... are you a... virgin? VERONICA What? I need... to know. SCOTT

VERONICA is confused, but can't refuse a dying request. She rolls her eyes at SCOTT'S navet. VERONICA Jesus, not since I was like 14. Come on, it's the 21st century.

SCOTT grins feebly, taking some petty satisfaction at the news. SCOTT Awesome. Go get 'im, tiger. SCOTT dies. Behind VERONICA, THE SERIAL KILLER silently mounts the ladder into the loft, clutching his beloved bat in one bloody hand.