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General Convent-Onion ~ Issue 1, 77th General Convention

General Convent-Onion ~ Issue 1, 77th General Convention

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Published by EPF_YAI
A light-hearted spoof on our beloved General Convention, from the Episcopal Peace Fellowship's Young Adult Initiative.
A light-hearted spoof on our beloved General Convention, from the Episcopal Peace Fellowship's Young Adult Initiative.

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Published by: EPF_YAI on Jul 09, 2012
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07/09/2012

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text

original

 
 
T
HE
G
ENERAL
C
ONVENT
-
O
NION 
 
SuperDeputies startled to find young
adults hashtagging #
E
VERYTHING
 
An epidemic of hashtagging at
#GC77 has ra
ised concerns
among Convention attendees,
leading some to fear that the
church’s long
-
established and
time
-
honored communication
mediums are b
eing rashly
restructured one 140
-
character
tweet at a time.
 
“I came to convention thinking
that the hashtag was an
 
innocuous number symbol or
even the substructure for a
innocent game of tic
-
tac
-
toe…
I now understand it to be a
nefarious tool for techno
-
talk
on the interwebs
-
cloudy
-
wifi
-
G4
-
bandwidth thingy,” noted
SuperDelegate Penen Papur.
 
Continue on page 3
 
In an attempt to cut costs, the 77
th
General
Convention approved a r
esolution to move the
headquarters of the Church, formerly at 815 Second
Avenue, New York, NY to the Matrix.
 
Resolution, QZ
099 was passed narrowly by both the
House of Bishops and the House of Deputies.
P
roposed by t
he Diocese of Nebuchadnezzar, there
wa
s heated discussion regarding
implement
ation
.
Bishop Mo
rpheus of Nebuchadnezzar stated:
 
“The Church has an option, either take the blue pill or
the red pill. I pray
to God
that the Chu
rch will
choose the red pill.”
 
Continued on Page 3
 
815 moved to the Matrix, wifi not available
 
I
SSUE
1,
 
77
TH
 
G
ENERAL
C
ONVENTION
 
For your misinformation:
 
Page 5
 
Page 24
 
Page 11
 
Page 243
 
Restructuring shake
-
up:
TEC to ban seersucker 
suits
 
Convention goes paperless:
moves to carrier pigeons
 
Churc
h Publishing releases
‘Fifty Shades of Purple’
 
Delegate strains neck under 
weight of badge buttons
 
Go ahead; l
ook
for the articles. First one to find them
wins another issue, a lovely tote bag, and a potted plant
 
all courtes
y of EPF. Take
that 
NPR.
 
Page 7
 
Progressive and conservative
 found accidentally talking to
one another 
 
 
 
The General Convent
-
Onion
 
2
 
Passionate,
enthusiastic
, but
tragically verbose young adult
 
Ge
rta
VanTrappen
-
Hausen unwittingly
violated parliamentary procedure
earlier today, highlighting the
urgent need for greater education
and formation among young people
concerning Robert’s Rules of Order.
 
En route to the Exhibit Hall, Gerta
ran into the Presi
dent of the House
of Deputies
Bonnie Anderson,
D.D.
Overjoyed at the chance
encounter, Gerta immediat
ely
spouted off her life story and
(without invitation) began to share
 
all her expert opinions on
each and
every
resolution
in the Blue Book.
 Just wh
en it seemed like Gerta might
drone on for the remainder of
convention
,
Anderson attempted to
subtly and politely interject:
 
Your allotted three minutes has
expired. Thank you.”
 
Shockingly, the injunction was not
heeded. Incognizant (or perhaps
heedles
sly, recklessly contravening
decorum), Gerta proceeded to lobby for
the inclusion of the
New Orleans Saints
into
 
Holy Women, Holy Men
.
 
Luckily, rogue Deputies roving the
Exhibit Halls in search of free swag
came to Anderson’s aid, brandishing
red slips pap
er signifying her expired
time. With shared governance,
Anderson and the Deputies were
eventually able to quell the loquacious
deluge.
 
“I thought it might never stop,” said
one relieved onlooker.
“Yeah, I
thought we might be here until the 78
th
 
Conventio
n,” added another. “It made
me start wondering if a
Magisterium
might not be so bad after all!”
 
[
Bonnie Anderson was called to the HOD floor 
and could not be reached for comment.
]
 
In breach of decorum, conversation exceeds 3 min
 
“Your allotted three
minutes has expired.
Thank you.”
 
~Bonnie Anderson, D.D.
 
PB substitutes ‘earth’ for ‘world’ in Collect,
SCLM files Title IV proceedings
 
On July 6, 2012, Presiding
Bishop Kath
arine Jefferts
Schori inadvertently
substituted “earth” for
“world” in the morning’s
Collect. Taken by some to be
a grave violati
on of Title IV,
Canon 9,745,368
, the
Standing Commission on
Liturgy and Music
immediately filed charges with the Intake Office
r.
 
Though the Officer declined to comment on the
charges, a member of SCLM (who asked not to be
named) stated: “The Standing Commission
chooses its vocabulary with purpose. We can’t just
go changing it willy
-
nilly! If we allow this
switcheroo and bugaboo
to
go unchallenged
,
who knows what could be next? Why, we
might see words like ‘Ebenezer’ deleted from
the Hymnal!” Upon being informed that
‘Ebenezer’ was already removed upon revision
of The
1982
Hymnal, the commission member
spontaneously combusted.
 
While charges have not yet been filed on the
combustion, there is now rumor of potential
additional proceedings regarding ‘Behavior
Leading to Spontaneous Combusti
on’ by the
Standing Commission. “I have no comment at
this time,” stated one member of the
C
ommission who wished to remain
anonymous.
Standby for continued
developments.
 
 
 
Issue 1, 77 
th
General Convention
 
3
 
‘815 moved’ Cont’d
 
Many feared that this would result in the Church
 
relying on people to plug into the Matrix in order to
access the Book of Common Prayer. However, as this
resolution saved nearly $100,000,0000 from the
Church's triennial budget it did eventually pass.
 
The
Oversigh
t Committee did not a require w
ifi
infrastructure be built before implementing this move.
Access in some diocese is limited
,
which has resulted
in some members of the Church not being able to
upload the most r
ecent sermons by
the newly elected
Pre
siding Bishop and Pre
sident of House of Deputies,
Trinity and Neo.
 
There is talk of a resolution at the 78
th
General
Convention as a sequel, but most believe it will not be
as good as the first resolution.
‘#
E
VERY 
THING
Cont’d
 
Echoing these sentiments, others expressed concern
that the incursion of social media at Convention
might mean that people outside of the Indianapolis
Convention Center walls might actually become
interested in what’s going on at the triennia
l
gathering. “And we wouldn’t want that,” said
visitor Agora Phobia of Notgermane, NY.
 
Still others noted their desire to see further
promulgation of the phenomenon curtailed.
“We’ve seen just how effective Episcopal Relief &
Development’s
NetsforLife
ca
mpaign has been,”
noted Bishop Naustalja of the Diocese of Yesteryear,
“I only wish there were an equivalent cyber
-
net to
reign in these egregiously proliferating hashtags.”
 
Despite widespread anxieties, the hashtagged
tweets continue to stream forth with
no sign of
abating
polluting or enriching the vast expanse
of interstellar cyberspace, depending on your
perspective.
 
[
Youth/ 
young adults were not available for comment as
they were all texting on their smartphones, Facetiming
on their iPads, and updatin
 g their Facebook statuses.]
 

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