Forgivenessisthewordweusewhen onechoosestoletgoofaparticular grievanceorhurt.Itisameanstoattain peacebynotdwellingonthepain whichkeepsyourbodyinthatrevved up"fightorflight"mode.Fewofus havebeentaughthowtoforgiveand oneofthereasonsisaculturalmisinter- pretationabout"conflict."Mostofus seeconflictasnegativeorbadwhich toooftencreatesangerandaggression. Inherbook

"AngertheMisunderstood Emotion,"

byCarolTavris,shesharesa storyabouttheBuddhacomingtohis templeandseeinghiscongregationout- sidefearfulofentering.Heaskedwhy andwastoldthatalargesnakewas stoppingthem.TheBuddhaapparently beinglikeHarryPotterwasabletotalk tothesnake,andaskedhimtonotbite anymemberofhiscongregation.The followingweek,histemplewasfull, andhehadagreatsermon,yetupon leavingheheardasoundofanguishin thebushes.Therehefoundthesnakeall beatupandbloody.TheBuddhaasked whathadhappened,andthesnake repliedthathedidnotbiteanyoneas theBuddhasuggestedandhewasbeat upforhiskindness.TheBuddhastared athimandrepliedthathehadsuggest- edthatthesnakenotbite,buthedidnot tellhimnottohiss. Itisoursensethatconflictisneither badnorgood;itjustisaninescapable

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Conflictand

rgln

ForThoseWho"HateConfrontation"

byKenSilvestri,Ed.D.FredericLuskin,Ph.D.andJedRosen,LCSW

partoflife.TheGreeksdescribedthe processofnatureor"Gaia,"asaprocess wherethewholeismorethanthesum oftheparts.Thereisplentythatwe couldcallbadorgood,innature;pretty babycubsbeingeatenbylargerpreda- tors,ortheyin/yangoflifewherethere arechoicesbetweenfocusingonthe glasshalffullorempty.Theupshoot isoftenconflictissimplygristforcre- ativityorchange.Taketheshellfish thatgetssomemuckintoitsshelland resistsitwithitsownmucouslikeliq- uid,eventuallyproducingavalued pearl.Whichpartwasgoodandwhich partwasbad?Mountains,canyonsand muchofhumanbeingsworksofartare insomewayproductsofconflict. CarlJungoncedescribedconflictas resultingfromtheformationofpara- doxes(somethinggoodinonecontext butnotinanotherwidercontext;but thatcanbeseenassomethingthatif workedthrough,createsresolutionand happiness.Inherbook

"TheUnthinkable:WhoSurvivesWhen DisasterStrikesandWhy,"

AmandaRipleydescribeshowcatastrophe(ora grievance)isnottheend,butthebegin- ning.Itispartofhistorywhichhasno endandopensuppossibilities.Beingin thepresentaccordingtoRipleyismore interestingsinceitisreality. Understandingconflictisavehiclefor notblaming.ThisiswhatHunterS. Thompsonmeantwhenhesaid,

"Callongodbutrowawayfromtherocks."

Doingnothingisbeingavictim;its oppositeisbeingahero. Wepositionforgiveness,which,inits truesenseisnotminimizingnorcon- doningthepainthatmaycomefrom conflictsasacentralhealingmetaphor forconflict.Itaddressestheproblem thatmanyofushaveandthatisletting goofour"taleofwoe."Recentlya woman(Megan)cameforpsychothera- py.Shesaidthatwhatshewasnotget- tinginlifewasempathyfromherhus- band.Shenarratedmanyinstances wherehedismissedordevaluedher feelings.Whenaskedifshehaddis- cussedthatwithhim,Megansaid,

"noway,hewouldonlygetmadatme."

Herfamilybackgroundwasfullofstoriesof authoritariandiscipline.Shecould neverdialoguewithherparents.Inthis instanceMegan'sbrainwasvery"state dependent,"meaningitrecognizedpat- ternsofemotionsratherthancontent andsoshegotstuckinherstoryandher badcontent.Shecouldnotletgo,for- giveordealsuccessfullywithherexpe- rienceorherhusbanduntilshelearned howtoforgive. FollowingareninestepstohelpMegan dealwithherrealandimaginedcon- flict:

Meganwasaskedto

expresswhatshefelt