lyredragon scribbled: reading. Some girls Bite by Chloe Neill

lyredragon scribbled: I am smacking myself for not commenting much earlier. This is a good read. The Keela chapter is done in 1st person, but i think it was originally detailed in third. anyways, keep writing^.^ what dark and mysterious things are going to happen to our poor hapless heroine <.< >.>

lyredragon scribbled: I liked this short little piece. not many people are using garlic as a threat to vampires anymore, so that was interesting. This feels like it is the first of a series of episodic shorts like this.

lyredragon scribbled: poor perseus.. and yet this is reminiscient of a time when men knew the valor in choosing mortality and age over eternal youth and power. very noble choice on his part. can't wait to read the next one

lyredragon scribbled: I love the names you gave to your characters, orah, perseus, Hala just from antiquity, very ancient yet refreshing anyway^.^

lyredragon scribbled: iwerd I am just noticing that the related tags have nothing to do with the actual content. The only qualm I have is the constant fluctuation between past and future tense. It is generally better to pick one or the other, with past tense preferred for the sake of suspension of disbelief. oh I will have to read the rest of these. it reminds me a bit of the dragon and the george, and a little of connecticut yankee in King Arthur's court, even for its brevity

lyredragon scribbled: This is a very nicely erotic piece^.^ Dang now I have to go look fo the rest of them. . ..

lyredragon scribbled: I think this is really good^.^ I can't wait to read more.

lyredragon scribbled: the worm in the teaser, without anything to tie it to the story, that reminds me of Blade of the Immortal. I don't know how ithe teaser is going to fit into the story. if it shows up much later, you are probably going to have to leave it out. You just use a lot of pronouns, and so I have no idea how this scene fits with the characters in the story. I would put the flashback at the first chapter. that way you can introduce the character and a bit of the reason why she is coming to the tower. Then, maybe her going through the city on her way to it, and finally, arriving in the tower itself. That way you can deal with the charcter's angst about having to return to the place. I know that sort of puts your progression on edge, but abrupt flashbacks are a very clumsy way to inform the reader. Also, I would work on tenses. You jump back and forth between present and past tense. You might be able to suspend disbelief for a longer amount of time if you stick to past tense. Otherwise, good and interesting concept even this earlty in its development^.^

lyredragon scribbled: The concept is very good. I am interested to find out the whys of this apocalypse. You seem to write very short, but nothing is really complete in these things. You are mentioning things in your description that don't even come up yet. With this site, you have the freedom to write as long as you wish, so there is no worries for word count. Even in short episodic, serial fiction there is a full cycle of intro-development-conflict-climax within each episode. In this there is a sense of a cliffhanger, but it still seems incomplete. This is a good start, but I would expand on this concept. Don't be afraid to break out of just 1-3 pages^.^

lyredragon scribbled: the way that you depict the humans as herds like cows reminds me a little bit of the vamp hunter D vamps. Oh you have an alternate view of them that makes them grow from children? It's a it hazy for me.

lyredragon scribbled: yes I agree with this absolutely! I wish more people would comment on my writing