• Embed Doc
  • Copy Link
  • Readcast
  • Collections
  • CommentGo Back
 
Golden Collection:
 
J o k e s
 
Selected by Vesel
 
© Vesel, 2001
 
This freeware (unregistered) version of Golden Collection: Jokes contains more than 300 jokes (3000+ in registered full version) collected by Vesel during his 22-year career asan proffessional humorous writer and radio and TV entertainer. Registered versionfeatures: hyper-indexed, 22 categories, 100 subcategories, full-text search, print or copyselected jokes, 100+ best WWW links to joke archives. Registration is $8.95.
 
WARNING: Some of these jokes contain foul language, sexual content and may beoffensive to some so if you are under 18 or are easily offended then you should do notread this book.
 
DISTRIBUTION: Golden Collection: Jokes may be distributed freely in its originalunmodified and freeware (unregistered) version. Feel free to share freeware(unregistered) version of Golden Collection: Jokes with your friends.
 
GOLDEN COLLECTION HOME PAGE:http://www.vesel1.com
 
E-MAIL:support@vesel1.com
 
DISCLAIMER: I do my best to avoid copyrighted material. If some jokes in this book hasbeen copyrighted by you, please contact me so I can remove that jokes.
 
WARRANTY: The autor makes no warranty of any kind, expressed or implied, withregards to the software. The autor shall not be liable in any event for incidental orconsequential damages in connection with or arising out of the furnishing, performanceor use of this software.
 
 
Page 1 of 1Introduction1/13/2009mk:@MSITStore:C:\Golden%20Collection%20Jokes.chm::/intro.htm
 
Alcohol
 
A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to theface the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots theguys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin withthe gun and puts it back in its holster. "Brilliant shooting," says the bartender, "mind if I look at yourgun." Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartenders hands. "Nice tool, but if I were you Iwould file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle,make it all nice and smooth." "What the hell for?" asks the cowboy. "Well see that piano player,"says the bartender, "he is Billy The Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun upyour fucking arse"* * *
A
guy walks in a bar and order's two house specials. The barkeep say's were all out of Heineken,would he likes some Bud. The guy say's "Yes". Ten minutes later Bud comes out the bathroom withtwo full glasses.* * *A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?".The barman asks "What does he look like?".* * *There was this guy that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He began to have a conversation withthe bartender and he went from one beer to several more. After a couple of hours the man realizedthat he had to piss. At this point he was falling down drunk. He asked the bartender where the johnwas and the bartender replied "Down the hall the second door on the right. Whatever you do do notgo into the first door on the right." The man then got up and walked down the hall and went into thefirst door on the right. About ten minutes had passed and the bartender knowing that the basementhad been flooded earlier and that the first door on the right was a elevator shaft figured that the manhad went through the wrong door. He went to check on the man and coming closer to the first doorhe could hear the mans yells for help. He opened the door and asked the man if he was all right. Theman replied "I am fine. Just don't flush the Toilet!"* * *Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi walk into a bar.Luke: "I don't know what to drink!"Obi Wan: "Use the 4X, Luke."* * *There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." A guy walks in there and says "I'm here forthe pianist job." The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you're good enough then you've got theob." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the owner in tears. "Oh, what a great song!What's it called?" the manager asks. "It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin mybrother!" "Um, that's strange but play us one more tune." The man plays another tune and this timethe manager breaks down with tears. "What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frogtakin a shit and the camel with 3 humps!" he replies. The manager told him that he had the job onPage 1 of 59Alcohol1/13/2009file://C:\Documents and Settings\one\Local Settings\Temp\~hh6C05.htm
 
one condition: he must not tell the customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started thatplaying that night. After every song he would get a standing ovation. After about 2 hours he stood upand said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take a quick break and I will return in a few moments."So he ducked into the toilets to take a slash. On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you knowyour zips undone and your cocks hangin out!" "know it, I wrote it!"* * *A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before problems start!"The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer. After 15 minutes the man orders a beeragain saying "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks a little bit confused butpours the man a beer. The goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totallyconfused and asks the man "What do you mean with before problems start, when are you going topay for the beers you drunk." The man answers "You see right now the problems start!"* * *An old Englishman walks into a bar an asks for a bottle of 38 year old wine from Leonne, France.The bartender not wanting to go to the cellar gave the Englishman the closest bottle of wine he has.The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is only 2 years old and is from Santiago de Chile. "Thebartender was amazed, but at the same time curios, so he gave him another bottle. The Englishmangoes "This wine is 17 years old and is from San Diego, California." The bartender was so amazedthat he gave him another bottle. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is 30 years old and isfrom Lima, Peru. "Finally the bartender goes to the cellar and got the right bottle and gave it to theEnglishman. The Englishman said: "Finally, a 38 year old wine from Leonne, France." An old drunk that had been watching goes up to the Englishman and said "Could you please tell me what kind of drink is this" and hands him a cup. The old Englishman tasted and said "What the fuck this is piss."And the drunk replied "Yeah I know but could you please tell me from where because I'm so drunk that I don't remember where I live."* * *Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"* * *A chicken walks into a bar , looks around and says to the barman "Sorry, wrong joke"* * *A guy walks into a bar. With him is a cat and an ostrich. The man says "Get me a Budweiser." Theostrich says "May I have an orange juice?" The bartender nods. Then the cat says: "I'll have a shot of Vodka, but I'm notpaying." They finish their drinks and leave.The next night, the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich again. The man orders a Bud, theostrich orders orange juice, and the cat has vodka, but insists on not paying.The third night that this happens, the bartender is pretty curious. He walks over to the man and says"Tell me, why do you come here everyday with a cat and an ostrich?" The man looks around andsays "Well, I was walking home from the bar four nights ago, and I took a short cut through an alley.I found this old lamp, and it had a genie in it. He said 'Son, this is your lucky day. I'm going to grantyou one wish' and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."* * *Page 2 of 59Alcohol1/13/2009file://C:\Documents and Settings\one\Local Settings\Temp\~hh6C05.htm
of 00

Leave a Comment

You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...
You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...