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The Power of Coaching: An essay in self-reflection

By Elizabeth Skronski, business and executive coachWalk through a major bookstore and you will find a myriad of self-help and self-improvement books. Turn on the TV and watch how openly people talk about their lifeand about their issues. Oprah Winfrey, along with “Dr. Phil”, has made a fortune helpingpeople “ discover their spirit” and dealing with everyday challenges. Now, going on TVto get advice is not my style, however, I can say I have read my quota of self-help books.Have they all helped… some yes; others were just too far out for me! One thing iscertain: people are waking up to a need to know and understand themselves more. Theneed for a greater self-awareness and development in dealing with these challenges isgrowing.Like many other people, I did embark on this journey of self-awareness. Now, what doesself-awareness mean? Lots of research has been done on the topic, which is not thesubject of this article. What I can tell you is what it means for me. Being self-aware forme means knowing who I am, why I am doing what I ‘m doing and knowing what I ammeant to do.I’ve always thought I was pretty much self-aware until the day I reached a point in my lifewhere I questioned my success. Suddenly, my professional life no longer made anysense. Why was I getting up every morning, fighting never-ending battles? I decided totake drastic action and leave my position in the quest of more self-awareness.Looking back, this decision felt empowering. I was in control again (something I havecome to learn I held very dearly). The only problem I found is that self-awareness doesnot come at the snap of your fingers, just because you want to be more self-aware, nomatter how much reading you do or how often you meditate. Reading, meditating, writingdid help to a certain extent. Through these techniques, I did find what I really wanted todo with the rest of my life… But was that enough to claim self-awareness? In my case,certainly not! Once the original euphoria of finally knowing what I was supposed to dopassed, I still had fears of failure, fears of success, needing to be perfect, defining whatsuccess meant to me compared to society’s definition of success and the list goes on.When the student is ready, the teacher comes, as the saying goes. In my case, thiscould not be closer to the truth. I was ready for more self-awareness that would help meunderstand myself even more than I thought. The teacher came in the form of abusiness and executive coach.Going through the process of being coached by a professional developmental coach isan incredible journey into self-awareness. Powerful questions asked just at the rightmoment can put someone into a spiral of internal inquiries, opening the door to a greaterawareness and leading to a higher level of development.French writer Marcel Proust said:

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."

In my view, the point is not so much in having a new set of eyes, but rather in beingready, willing, and able to view my own assumptions and beliefs, my own behavior andattitudes in a new way by challenging them, by acting as an objective observer of myactions and discerning what is serving me well and what is not.This is what coaching can do for someone who is ready, willing, and able to go down thepath of development. To say that the journey I experienced was like a roller coaster isan understatement. Moments of clarity, moments of doubts, experimenting with mynewly found awareness: these are stages of the coaching process,

coachingexperience.At the end, the connection to what the issues were, the clarity I gained on my values andhow I operate, and of what was in my way have propelled me into a commitment toaction. I have come to realize and embrace my values. I have come to realize thatperfection needed to be erased from my vocabulary and that the need for control wasmuch stronger than I had thought. These insights have not been beneficial only from acareer standpoint but have rolled over to my personal life as well. This need for controland perfection I so often refer to was in my way to having a more relaxed and enjoyablerelationship with people around me. Knowing what I did not know before, I am now ableto observe the assumptions I hold, deciding on my response and observing not only mybehavior but also the reaction I get from it.I’ve also come to understand that my success is my success. Success is so easilydefined by standard societal norms and we can just as easily create tremendous internalpressure to meet what we believe is expected of us. Note that the operative word is“believe “! And once I fully embraced my core values and aligned my vision with them, itthen became so much easier to stay focused on my purpose, whether it is my personalor business one.My business coach knew what she was doing. Through intense listening to what I wassaying, she was able to discern openings and opportunities for me to dig deeper. That’show I realized how much I valued contributing to society, communities and people. I wasalso able to discover that my need for affiliation is strong and as such, acceptance isimportant to me. So, with the help of my coach, when faced with a difficult issue, I wasable to see that of all the possibilities, doing this one right thing (for me) would get mewhat I wanted.I just completed reading the book

“Primal Leadership

” by Daniel Goleman, RichardBoyatzis and Annie McKee. This book is an incredible description on EmotionalIntelligence and Leadership. As I went on reading it, I had moments when I rememberedmy own time as an executive and how I could have used this book. Then, I re-read againthe back of the book and something struck me:

If I had read Primal Leadership 10 years ago, I still might be President of Columbia Pictures today!” – Lisa Henson, President, Jim Henson Productions

Looking at what I call my previous life and as I pondered her words, I suddenly realizedthat not only would I have benefited from this book before, but also how much I wouldhave benefited from executive coaching. And then I almost wished that ALL executivescould benefit from this process.