Once

Upon a Summers Night

Picky

Once Upon a Summers Night

By Picky


Wake up in the morning, fall in love. Eat lunch, fall in love, and at night, fall in love
again. Thats my dream life, said the dark haired man in the short, tight swim trunks. So
how about it? Go out with me tonight. I promise you wont regret it.

Suzie was at a loss for words. This man had been following her around the beach all
day trying to get her to agree to go on a date. How about this, she said, If I agree to go on
a date with you, you agree to never talk to me again unless I tell you its okay.

Awesome. You wont regret it. Ill take you to all the hotspots. The Stoic Club,
Restaurant Summers, and maybe well even go out on a boat ride.

You live here then? You sure know a lot about Summers.

Oh no, Im just on vacation.

How long?

Oh, I dont know. Im going on three years right now.

Suzies mouth opened and closed but words failed to come right away. At last she
managed to ask, Three years? How the hell can you afford to go on a three-year vacation?

Im Jason Mach.

That doesnt really answer my question.

Yes it does. Im Jason Mach: a man of mystery and poetry; a lover the arts and
women; a man at home at really expensive hotels or ridiculously expensive hotels. Oh, and
Im also the heir to the Mach Pizza fortune.

Mach Pizza? You guys have one location. How can you have that much money.

Weve got a good business model. Were the only place for pizza in the entire
world, we deliver anywhere within three minutes, we charge $238 for a large pizza, and we
only have two employees, three once we open the Onett branch.

That doesnt make any sense. I dont even know where to start. Three minutes to
anywhere in the world?

Sure, our delivery guy Eduardo is amazing. Actually, Im not entirely sure Eduardo
is one person. I think he might be a giant network of people who look exactly the same and
split $7 per hour like 300 ways.

But the pizza how does the pizza get all the way across the world in 3 minutes?

Beats me. We dont actually make pizza. We just tell Eduardo to deliver it. Its not
important though. What is important is that you are going to fall in love tonight. Ill show
you the magic of Summers. Meet me by the dude who thinks hes a billboard right outside
Toto at 5:00.

Before Suzie could say anything, Jason was skipping away singing happily.




After a few hours of asking around, Suzie finally found the billboard man outside of
Toto. His name was Reginald Nusbaum the Twelfth, and he was quite pleasant. At 5:00 on
the dot, Jason popped up right next Suzie, who screamed.

Whoa, whoa, calm down there little lady, Jason said. Its just me, the most
romantic man in the world.

Once Upon a Summers Night

Picky

Where did you come from?

If I told you that would ruin my air of mystery.

Quickly recovering from her fright, Suzie said, What are we doing first?

First? First we have to get an in at The Stoic Club. Ive never actually been there
before, but Ive heard theres a guy in Toto that guarantees he can get anyone in.

Suzie and Jason walked through the quaint streets of Toto. Suzie admired the stucco
homes with red Spanish tile roofs. As they walked past a black lamppost, she felt Jason
trying to take her hand. She swatted it away.

Good evening Captain, Jason suddenly said.

Suzie looked up and saw the man to whom Jason was talking. The Captain was
hunched and grizzled looking. He had a beard that would put Santa Claus to shame, and he
wore the stereotypically traditional garb of a sailor, a funny looking white hat and a blue
and white striped shirt. Suzie thought he looked like he stepped out of an old movie.

And what brings you around tonight Mr. Mach? the Captain said.

Captain, Id like to introduce you to my girl Suzie, Jason said.

And how do you do Miss?

Im doing great Captain, and is this your boat? Suzie said gesturing to the large red
boat with white trim anchored at the end of the dock.

That she is, my one true love, the Captain said, adding hastily, other than my wife
of course.

Do you think you could take us out on your boat later tonight? Jason asked.

Im sorry Mr. Mach, but we all be closed for business for now. As long as the
Kraken be roaming the seas, Toto is at her mercy.

The what? Suzie said.

The Kraken. The most fearsome beast that ever lived. Shes already destroyed five
boats. We lost good men: Stumpy, Hook, Patchy, Polly, and Thaddeus.

Oh well, Jason said, I guess Ill have to take Suzie out some other time. Have a
good night Captain.

And you too Mr. Mach. Take care Suzie.




Later on, Suzie and Jason were making their way through the main thoroughfare of
Summers on their way to The Stoic Club. Suzie missed the character of the architecture in
Toto already. The buildings in Summers didnt have the same soul. She and Jason were
getting into The Stoic Club thanks to a recommendation from a man named Amar Johnson.
Suzie found it strange when he told them to stay away, but Jason insisted that The Stoic
Club was the ultimate place to go in Summers.

When they finally arrived, Suzie was surprised by the dcor.

This is it? A small room with a bunch of people standing around a stage staring at a
rock? she said.

Shhh not so loud, Jason said. This is The Stoic Club, if they say that this is cool
then call me Fred Flinstone because I love rocks.

Suzie felt a finger tapping her on the shoulder, she turned around to see a blonde-
haired woman with glasses staring at her.

Once Upon a Summers Night

Picky

I enjoy the voluminous nature of your hair, she said. I hypothesize that it
indicates your execution of a strategy emphasizing the deployment of both conditioner and
shampoo. May I inquire into the precise nature and execution of said deployment
strategy?

While saying all of this, the woman was mere inches from Suzies face. She stumbled
backwards and bumped into a man dressed in all green wearing a mask.

Pardon moi mademoiselle ex post facto hyperbole omega point transcendent
hyperbaric res judicata, he said.

Thats just nonsense, Suzie said. What is wrong with you people?

Im sorry, the masked man said, Im still new at this. I either make sense or I use
big words. I have trouble doing both at the same time. Let me try again. Didactically
speaking, seminal evidence seems to explicate the fact that your repudiation of entropy
supports my theory of space-time synthesis. Hey, I think I finally got it.

But I didnt repudiate entropy, Suzie said. Why would I repudiate entropy? She
turned around and came face to face with the woman in glasses again. This time she was
licking her fingers.

Mmmmm I just endeavored to retrieve a delectable morsel of Magic Cake from
my object transportation device and oh I feel funny, she said. Her eyes started to glaze
over and she said in a loud voice:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity Ah-choo!
She snapped out of her trance just as quickly has it had begun.

Was that... Yeats? Suzie said.

Was what Yeats? the woman responded.

That poem. That was definitely the first verse of Yeats The Second Coming.

I have no idea what youre talking about, said the woman dropping her verbose
act. All I know is I dont feel very good. Clutching her stomach, she ran out of The Stoic
Club.

I cant possibly fall in love in a place like this Suzie, Jason said. Lets get out of
here.




Suzie had been in a lot of restaurants in her life but never one as fancy as Restaurant
Summers. The room was filled with warm light as rays from the setting sun reflected off
the ocean and into the restaurant.

Now this is a place where I can fall in love, said Jason with a smile.

Suzie would never admit it to Jason, but she was starting to agree.

My name is Wendy and Ill be taking your order tonight, said the waitress,
breaking into the moment. Its good to see you again Mr. Mach. We always love seeing a

Once Upon a Summers Night

Picky

patron of your financial standing in our restaurant. Can I start you off with something to
drink?

Give me an ice coffee Wendy, Jason said.

Just a water for me please, Suzie said.

Water? Please. We do not serve such trash here, Wendy said.

You dont serve water? Fine, Ill take lemonade.

Lemonade? Please. We do not serve such trash here.

Suzie felt heat rushing into her cheeks. Well then, what exactly do you serve here?

You can have ice coffee or ice coffee.

Well I guess Im having ice coffee.

Excellent. Ill be back with two ice coffees and Ill take your order when I come
back.

The sun had sunk below the horizon. The moment was gone. Suzie looked across
the table at Jason. He was looking at himself in a spoon and combing his hair. She sighed.

Whats good here? she asked.

I get the Kraken Soup every time I come, he replied.

So its good then?

Oh its fine.

Its fine? Why do you get it every time?

Because its the most expensive thing on the menu.

How much does it cost?

$648.

$648! Seriously?

Hey, Im Jason Mach. Im not poor. Jason went back to fixing his hair.

Suzie looked over the menu: Kraken Soup, Braised Boa over Minced Baby Leeks,
Pasta di Summers, Chefs Special.

Whats the Chefs Special?

Beats me. I get the Kraken Soup.

Here are your ice coffees. What would you like to eat? Wendy said, arriving just as
Suzies temper was rising.
Well I notice you only have four entrees, Suzie said, and I was wondering if I could
order off menu?
Why certainly, as long as we serve it.
Thanks Wendy. I was really starting to worry. Could I just have a steak done
medium please?
Steak? Please. We do not serve such trash here.
Suzie stood up quickly, knocking her chair over.
Why are you being so serious Suzie? Jason said. Youre in Summers, a town of
beauty, romance, and exorbitant prices. Youre going to start bringing everyone else down.
Well have two Kraken Soups, Wendy. I am, after all, Jason Mach.
Suzie and Jason didnt talk much after that. Suzie dreamed of the day that she could
leave this nightmare vacation behind.
Your Kraken Soup Mr. Mach and you, Wendy said.
Thank you very much Wendy, Jason said. It looks delicious.

Once Upon a Summers Night

Picky

And it was. Suzie had never tasted anything quite like Kraken Soup. Although, she
thought to herself, the least a $628 soup could do is taste good. Jason hadnt started eating
yet, he was still admiring his reflection in his spoon.
Amazing, Suzie said.
I couldnt agree more.
Everything about it is just perfect.
Almost as though God came down and made it himself.
I especially like the way that the tomato cream base keeps the Kraken from
overpowering the dish.
I know. I look like I was chiseled out of rock.
Wait, what?
We were talking about me, right?
No. I was talking about the soup.
Im going to be honest. I had trouble hearing you over the sound of my own
handsomeness.
Just a few more hours Suzie, she thought to herself. You can hang in there for just a
few more hours.



After dinner, the not-so-happy couple made their way out for desert. The hot sun
had long since departed and the beachside road was lit by moonlight. Suzie looked out past
the palm trees gently rustling in the wind at the waves rolling in.
Summers. A beautiful stretch of land ruined by people, she said.
Whats that? Jason said.
Nothing. What are the desert plans?
Theres this great desert cart a little bit up the way. I stop by it all the time, or at
least I think I do. Im not entirely sure. The whole things a bit hazy.

Suzie found Jasons response strange but chalked it up to his eccentric nature.

Okay Suzie. Cover your eyes. I want this to be a surprise.

Suzie reluctantly agreed and covered her eyes. Jason took her by her other hand
and led her down the road. Finally, they came to a stop.

Two slices of your special cake, Suzie heard Jason say. Open up Suzie. This is the
best cake youll ever taste.

Suzie chewed slowly. The cake was delicious at first, but that slowly morphed into
an indescribably strange aftertaste. She uncovered her eyes.

What is this stuff? Suzie said.

Its magic cake.

Suzie gagged. Isnt that what that the lady at The Stoic Club ate right before right
before monkeys.




Suzie was in a giant, rocking cradle.

Let me out Mom, she said. Im starting to get sick. Please let me out. I promise I
wont shock Salsa anymore.

Once Upon a Summers Night

Picky

A shadowy figure leaned over the cradle and said, Boy, you two be in a sad state.

Suzie woke up to see the Captain staring down at her.

Where am I? What happened?

Well if I were to guess Id say you two ate yourselves some Magic Cake. That be
some potent stuff I do tell ye.

Suzie sat up and felt the blood rush to her head. The Captain gave her a hand to
steady her out. Suzie looked around. Summers was nowhere to be seen. She stood up and
saw nothing but ocean. She looked down to her left and saw Jason still passed out with a
content grin.

Uh, Mr., uh Captain. Are we out on the ocean?

That we are lassie.

I seem to remember something about a giant sea monster that attacked boats. Is
that, um, not a problem anymore?

The Kraken? She still be out here. The Captain hummed pleasantly as he steered
the boat.

Then why are we out here?

Mr. Mach over there was very accomadatin and gave me a million dollars to take
you out on a boat ride. Cant be passin up that kind of cash.

Suzie squinted at the Captain. She suddenly found seeing even a meter in front of
her face very difficult. She looked up and saw that the moon had passed behind a thick
cloudbank. Then she felt something even more disconcerting.

Captain? Am I going crazy, or is the boat shaking? she said. Captain? The only
reply she got was a loud splash as the Captain went overboard into the water followed by
the sound of him swimming away. Then she heard a terrible screeching roar. Lightning
flashed, thunder boomed, and she saw the Kraken for herself. It was a green serpent-like
creature that was at least fifty meters long with red dorsal fins.

Wake up Jason! she said as she desperately shook him. Weve got to get out of
here.

Jason licked his lips and turned over in the opposite direction as he mumbled, Go
away maid. Come back in three hours with my waffles. Golden waffles.

Trembling, Suzie started feeling around the boat. Rope, a slipper, the helm of the
boat, she couldnt find anything useful. Finally she felt what she was looking for: a life
jacket. She quickly put it on and, without a backward glance, jumped overboard.

As Suzie paddled desperately away she heard the crack of the boat being ripped in
two. She heard Jasons terrified screams. She heard the silence that followed. Suzie swam
until she couldnt swim anymore, and then she passed out.




Suzie felt cold water wash over her and then withdraw. She opened her eyes and
was blinded by the bright daylight.

Is it possible, she thought, am I actually still alive?

Suzie sat up and looked around. She saw a man farther up the beach lying on his
back, holding his palm up to the sky. She looked farther up the beach and saw the buildings
that dotted the main strip in Summers. She had survived her night of terror. Suzies numb,

Once Upon a Summers Night

Picky

waterlogged fingers struggled as she removed her life jacket. She wiped sand and seaweed
off her arms and legs and out of her hair. She walked away.

As she headed back to LHotel du Summers she passed a group of kids being
lectured by a heavily tanned, bleach blond man in a bright red convertible.

Hey, hey!! he said. Stop putting your grimy fingerprints all over my car you little
punk!

The boy in the red cap started to reach for the bat hanging off his backpack, but the
blond girl with a red ribbon in her hair put her hand on his shoulder and he stopped. The
group of kids walked away one by one in unison in a perfectly straight line. The man in the
convertible turned his attention to Suzie.

Hey there beautiful, he said, pulling down his sunglasses and winking. My name
is Andy Escargo and I have an express package for you from my pants.