Chicago Tribune

Why I declared war on Christmas

Just so there's no misunderstanding: Yes, I have declared war on Christmas. That's right: You know how the president and others have mentioned a War on Christmas? I'm that guy! The warmonger they're talking about! I declared war on Christmas, and the war is going well, thank you.

Soon, the side of every Starbucks cup will read: "Happy Nondenominational Celebration! Give to the World Wildlife Fund!" And I won't stop there. You know how Christmas is becoming so obscure and you never hear anyone say "Christmas" anymore and we are in danger of not realizing Christmas is coming until it's Labor Day? That's me too! The pundits are right: I am undermining Christmas' shaky foothold on America.

I plot in secret, at a

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