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Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Written by Chelsea Handler

Narrated by Chelsea Handler


Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Written by Chelsea Handler

Narrated by Chelsea Handler

ratings:
3.5/5 (85 ratings)
Length:
6 hours
Released:
Apr 22, 2008
ISBN:
9780743573658
Format:
Audiobook

Also available as...

Also available as bookBook

Also available as...

Also available as bookBook

Description

In My Horizontal Life, actress and stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler boldly recounted her one-night stands-the good, the bad, and the disastrous. In this wickedly honest new work, she casts the net wider with even funnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date--including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a Peekapoo.

Whether it's a vacation with her dad during which he tells airline staff they're a honeymoon couple in order to get an upgrade, or her elaborate attempts to convince her third-grade classmates that she's starring in a Private Benjamin sequel, Chelsea lets it rip in these relentlessly entertaining essays. Displaying the candor and irresistible turn of phrase that have earned her a recurring stint as a correspondent on The Tonight Show as well as her own E! series, Chelsea Lately, this deliciously skewed collection is a guilty pleasure.
Released:
Apr 22, 2008
ISBN:
9780743573658
Format:
Audiobook

Also available as...

Also available as bookBook

About the author

Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She was the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.


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Reviews

What people think about Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

3.6
85 ratings / 67 Reviews
What did you think?
Rating: 0 out of 5 stars

Reader reviews

  • (3/5)
    This girl is really funny on TV: raunchy, but not gross, it just is better on TV. Reading it requires me to imagine her delivery, and that is a strain. It is astill funny, but not as funny as watching her tell these stories live!
  • (3/5)
    Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
    By Chelsea Handler
    2008
    Simon Spotlight

    Any Chelsea fans out there? Whether you love her or loath her, you will definitely react to her humor. And this collection of essays is typical Chelsea. She is mean.....nasty.....insincere.....a shit storm on the horizon. Her cold and unfeeling slant really brings home the humor and .....you will love her or hate her......it's hard not to laugh. We have all been there! The humor will offend some......
    I liked this, overall but the best essays were the first 3. And chapter 10, in my humble opinion.
    Interesting quotes:
    Chapter 2: Chelsea In Charge
    P.20
    " I have always been suspicious, but from that moment on, I knew without a doubt that my parents and I were not on the same page. We weren't even in the same book."
    P.27
    "There was more adult supervision at the Neverland Ranch than there was in my house growing up. When a week before my fourth birthday, my parents told me to plan my own birthday party -I knew I was pretty much on my own."
    Chapter 3:Prison Break
    P..57
    "It was quickly becoming apparent to me that this situation was much more serious than I realized. This was turning into a full blown episode of 'SuvivorWoman:Women of The Outback'. Not only were some of these women behaving like wild indians, but looking around the room, I knew that if I had any hopes of blending in, I would have no choice but to get a tattoo. "
  • (4/5)
    The chapter on dog sitting alone was worth reading this book.
  • (1/5)
    I can't seem to comprehend why or how people think this woman is funny.

    With the exception of one line on page 137 where she's writing about her friend Ivory's blunt honesty: "Her style is more direct and she doesn't lie. While she's a very supportive friend, she makes no bones about telling people the absolute truth, no matter what. When months earlier I had gotten my eyebrows bleached in hopes of making my hair color look more natural, she said, 'You look like an albino, and not one of the fun ones. You need to get your money back and have them fix it. If they can't fix it, you're better odd without any at all.'

    Other than that, I didn't laugh or even crack a smile......
  • (3/5)
    Actual rating: 3.5/5 I'm not a big Chelsea Handler fan. I don't watch her show, Chelsea Lately, though I've seen it. I've watched her stand up "Uganda Be Kidding Me" which made me giggle at parts and that's about my extent of Chelsea Handler-ness. I picked up this book while I was leaving work. I noticed it on the bargain table and thought, "hmm, it's already super cheap, plus with my employee discount, it'll be even cheaper... why not? It might make me giggle like her stand up.." so by that and only that, I picked it up to read it as an 'in between' book. I didn't really enjoy the first chapter. Honestly after that, I was scared to read the rest and wondered if I'm just gonna waste my time with this. But I can't base a book just on the first chapter, otherwise I would have put down many a great books. I will say the stories do get better the further you get into the book (my personal favorite chapter being "Mini-Me"). I give the occasional "hmph" laugh through my nose every once in awhile, but other than that, I probably won't ever read this book again. Maybe Chelsea Handler fans enjoy it a little more? I'm not sure... but honestly it's not as crude as I thought it would be from the little I do know of her.. and I can't figure out if I believe that to be a good thing or bad...
  • (5/5)
    wicked funny!
  • (4/5)
    She is a great author. It was one of those books I never wanted to put down! It was hilarious and very well written.
  • (3/5)
    Stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler casts the net wider with even finnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date - including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a peekapoo.
  • (4/5)
    I love celebrities who are as bizarre as I am, so of course I found this book hysterically funny.
  • (2/5)
    God, I hated this book. Yet, I kept reading until the end and I don't know why. I didn't laugh once.
    More specifically, I hated the version of herself that Handler presents. It reminds me of a teenager who is desperately trying to be cool (I'm so funny because I'm rude to my Dad! Drink driving is so cool and fun! I am such a drunk because I had two martinis and carry vodka around in a flask! Eww, redheads are gross!) It's obviously an exaggeration of her personality, because I doubt she would have any friends left if this was the only side of her, and this just made the book seem insincere to me.
  • (4/5)
    Quick read and very funny. I almost read it in one sitting. I just couldn't wait to see what outrageous situation Chelsea would get herself into next!
  • (5/5)
    Chelsea Handler is no doubt hilarious. This book brings LOL to its full potential, as do all her books.

    Although crass at times, no one else quite sees the world like Chelsea does. Her quick wit and irresistable charm make us want to befriend her...and then make her sign a non-disclosure form! Miss Handler, like most comedians, leaves no one in the shadows. Love her or hate her, she is so brutally honest you can't help but respect her.
  • (4/5)
    Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea is written by Chelsea Handler, who is an American stand-up comedian and host of her own show, Chelsea Lately. In her hilarious memoir Chelsea talks about her childhood, her family, her friends, drinking and men. She discusses a few funny predicaments she's gotten herself into, like when she was in the third grade and told her classmates that she was working on a film with Goldie Hawn to impress them. Or how when she was fish-sitting her boyfriends goldfish and it died while he was away, she replaced the fish with a bigger one and told him it grew due to the vitamin supplements she was feeding it. She talks about her DWI arrest and the time she served in jail, which is definitely not funny, but her observations when she was in jail had me laughing out loud. There was also a part where she discusses the male anatomy that had me in hysterics, I cried from laughing so hard. This book started off really funny, it had me in stitches, but then it fizzled toward the middle and kind of died out for me. Chelsea has a sarcastic humor that is great, but sadly, the book slowed down and the big laughs were mostly in the first half. All in all, this was a funny book and i'm glad I read it. I just wish she had kept the momentum going and gave me one final laugh.
  • (3/5)
    Entertaining for a lightweight, easy read. I wasn't expecting genius when I got the book, but I very much enjoyed it!
  • (2/5)
    I am not familiar with the author or her material. What has been described as sharp cutting humour I found a little crass and quite harsh. I found the short stories contained quite disjointed and it was a struggle. There was some humour and I think if you could read it "in character" it would probably be a book for the fan already.
  • (1/5)
    I read the first couple of chapters and couldn't get any further. Didn't find much humour.
  • (5/5)
    OMG. Carried this around in my purse for a few days and pulled it out whenever I needed a good laugh. Freaking hilarious. Chelsea Handler recalls some of the more outrageous moments of her life in bite-size stories. In one passage, she recounts her time in a women's prison, in another she shares her affinity for midgets, and in yet another she recounts how her then-boyfriend cheated on her ... with a Peekapoo. Her audacity is brought to life with her ability to translate the hilarity of her life into a wonderful second book. If you enjoy raunchy books that show no mercy, then there's a strong possibity you will love this book
  • (4/5)
    Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea is written by Chelsea Handler, who is an American stand-up comedian and host of her own show, Chelsea Lately. In her hilarious memoir Chelsea talks about her childhood, her family, her friends, drinking and men. She discusses a few funny predicaments she's gotten herself into, like when she was in the third grade and told her classmates that she was working on a film with Goldie Hawn to impress them. Or how when she was fish-sitting her boyfriends goldfish and it died while he was away, she replaced the fish with a bigger one and told him it grew due to the vitamin supplements she was feeding it. She talks about her DWI arrest and the time she served in jail, which is definitely not funny, but her observations when she was in jail had me laughing out loud. There was also a part where she discusses the male anatomy that had me in hysterics, I cried from laughing so hard. This book started off really funny, it had me in stitches, but then it fizzled toward the middle and kind of died out for me. Chelsea has a sarcastic humor that is great, but sadly, the book slowed down and the big laughs were mostly in the first half. All in all, this was a funny book and i'm glad I read it. I just wish she had kept the momentum going and gave me one final laugh.
  • (4/5)
    Pretty damn funny. A good listen if you aren’t easily offended
  • (4/5)
    Laugh out loud funny! Easy listen - recommend it even if you don’t love her.
  • (4/5)
    Much better than the first books recording. It’s nice hearing Chelsea read her own book. That’s kinda the way it needs to be. Hopefully they’ll add more of her audiobooks on scribe if they exist that is.
  • (3/5)
    This is her follow-up to her debut book, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. While I pretty much adored that book, I didn't like this one quite so much. Don't get me wrong, it was definitely funny; some of its chapters were funnier than others. I think it was mainly that the offensive nature of some of the humor and some of the comments was enough to make me feel a bit more uncomfortable reading it.In the first book, her father made some pretty disgusting comments that had an incestuous undertone to them. Those sorts of comments continue into this, and they always made me want to vomit. If he was really like that toward her, then it explains a lot about not only her humor, but her personality in general. Other things from the first book were addressed in this book. Her compulsive lying issue was mentioned in the first chapter of this book, when as a child she had to write Goldie Hawn to ask for her to back up some of her lies. This book marked the first time she'd talked about her dislike of redheaded men in one of her books. It was actually kind of enjoyable. I hope that saying that doesn't make me the worst ginger ever, but I kinda liked seeing her making fun of redheaded me; probably because I don't find them attractive either. It was also enjoyable to read about her tales of regifting, going to jail for fraud, and, oddly enough, Peekapoos licking her Persian boyfriend's genitals. (Yes, that last one is in there, and yes, that part was funny to read.) And sometimes I wondered if this woman who comes across as being so crass is also equally naïve.The funny parts of the book were good, but it wasn't really great. In fact, it felt like there was nothing truly extraordinary about this book. It definitely could have been better. As I mentioned, there was some offensive humor, which might seem like something you'd expect from Handler, but some of it was just way out there. The offensiveness and crassness of this book was just a little more overwhelming than I felt it should be. Maybe that's just me, though.
  • (1/5)
    Humor writing is REALLY hard. The author is a funny, well-known comic who in her stand-up routines is quite funny. On the written page, it doesn't work as well. Were someone to read this to you, it would be somewhat more funny, but in print reads like a breathless explosion.

    Again, were Ms. Handler to read this, I'd hope she takes no offense, because she's funny...but humor writing is HARD. Hardly anyone gets it right.
  • (4/5)
    Chelsea Handler's uninhibited storytelling and vulgar sense of humor make for a fun read. She has a gift for storytelling that will keep you laughing through each unbelievable and sometimes embarrassing real-life journey. This book is full of good, inappropriate fun. If you offend easily, you probably should not read it. Otherwise, have a good laugh!
  • (5/5)
    HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud!
  • (3/5)
    super fast read about the escapades of chelsea handler. i did have some laugh out loud moments throughout this. for those who don't know, her humor is very dry, sarcastic and at times crass.
  • (4/5)
    I picked this up on a whim while house-sitting and I really enjoyed it. I definitely laughed out loud often.
  • (4/5)
    Absolutely hilarious! I'd never watched her on TV or read anything by her before, then I picked up this book and couldn't put it down.
  • (4/5)
    Chelsea Handler is something else. She’s outrageous, hilarious and a bit disturbing. This book tells stories of her time babysitting, in jail, thoughts on re-gifting, gingers, dog sitting, and dealing with her family.She’s incredibly crass, but funny and this book is a very quick read. If you’ve ever seen her show you’re know what you’re in for. She’s incredibly entertaining, but you would never ever want to have her as a friend. BOTTOM LINE: If you watch her show or have already read her other work, then you know what to expect. Only read this one if you already think Handler is funny. **I listened to an audio version of the book and I’d highly recommend it. It’s read by Handler and I don’t think I would have found the book nearly as funny if it hadn’t felt like someone just telling me hilarious stores about their life.  
  • (4/5)
    I picked this book up and read it without knowing who Chelsea Handler was. I thought the title was pretty funny (and a play on the life changing Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume). As I’ve said before, I love a good memoir, so I read it without knowing exactly who Handler was.It ended up being a good impulse grab, because I loved this book. Handler’s voice was really genuine and her accounts of her wacky childhood, boyfriends, and her career, were hysterical. This book was laugh aloud funny and turned me into a Chelsea Handler fan.If you are looking for a funny, entertaining read, definitely check out this book.