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Dig
Dig was born in Trollheim in 1873, the unfortunate result of the unrequited love between a short sighted troll and a large boulder. After many years as an ‘uninspiring student’, du...view moreDig was born in Trollheim in 1873, the unfortunate result of the unrequited love between a short sighted troll and a large boulder. After many years as an ‘uninspiring student’, during which many teachers mistook him for a fungal infection of the radiators he eventually left school in 1936. (If you ever find yourself described as an uninspiring student, please do not take it to heart. Einstein was described in the same manner by his university tutor and never forget William Shakespeare had appalling hand writing and its worth remembering that the majority of left handed Japanese jellyfish are blind. But I digress.)
Following a lamentable season playing for Pressed-on-Bothends Football Club during which he demonstrated a truly breath-taking inability to control the ball linked to a match winning skill for falling on opposing players, he returned to education.
He obtained a First Class Law Degree with Honours by the time honoured expedient of prevaricating over the answer to any question for so long that the examiner expired of old age (the so called Bleak House technique)and was consequently awarded a degree by default.
Following the execution of his first client for riding a bicycle without a red light clearly displayed at the back, Dig decided that possibly Law was not his forte and has since made his living by begging in the street or hiring himself out as a garden ornament.
He has three children, Pauliepolipulus, a successful banker and part time semi-conductor, Toe, an aspiring tourist attraction of no fixed abode, and his daughter Erin Lucy Binbag the first, and up to now, the only green skinned model to appear on the cover of vogue.
His late wife, Odour Niff, passed away as the result of an ill-advised drunken brawl with a steam roller and her remains were scattered over the A1/M1 London to Newcastle road as chippings. He visits her frequently, usually when driving to Sunderland on business.
Following the runaway success of The Schoolboys Dragon, which outsold such literary classic as “What’s on the top shelf? – A gnomes guide to supermarket shopping’, ‘I survived the Titanic – The thrill a minute memoirs of a rubber duck’ and ‘Karachi – Self-defence for the dyslexic’ Dig’s life has taken on totally new directions.
It has been argued, that in part, the success of The Schoolboys Dragon was due to Dig having a larger circle of friends and family than the other authors which taken in conjunction with a world-wide shortage of toilet paper resulted in unexpectedly high sales but many leading academics have derided this claim as merely the ramblings of his competitors following their failure to take their medication. The vicious rumour that his mother bought a dozen copies of The Schoolboys Dragon should be treated with the contempt it deserves, not only can this fine woman not read but she can only count up to the number of toes she has on both feet (seven).
Dig has now moved from under the foot bridge in a small municipal North Wales park where he was previously living to under a large luxury motorway bridge over the River Mersey. Although a far more spacious and up market address the move has not been without its own logistical problems. The volume of goats travelling over motorway bridges of their own volition is exceedingly small and Dig’s recent attempt to ensnare a goat whilst it was driving a four ton lorry left him hospitalised.
Following his discharge from hospital Dig has become a regular sight on our televisions screens, he is in much demand as a character actor for such demanding parts as the bacteria in toilet cleanser advertisements or the irritating growths in weed killer advertisements. His heart wrenching portrayal of an infection of the gums in a recent dental appliance advertisement had him nominated for an Oscar.
He continues to write and it is expected that he will do so for some time unless we can find someone to stop him.view less