Twenty-three tales of midlife madness. Why minivans suck. How eating expired food may—or may not kill you. Brief tutorials on how to fuss, pull better Halloween pranks, or write letters to Santa. Almost-true crime reports from the special investigations unit of the garbage police. How-to sections on avoiding yard work or voting without thinking. The link between aliens, Mayans and fruitcake, and why hiding under a sleeping bag and screaming is the best defense against bats.