The One: A Single Ladies' Guide

One.

INTRODUCTION

Her gorgeousness is amazing. She is a remarkable model of perfection in beauty and form to the sense of sight. Her smile—a natural adornment; the brilliance of her eyes begins with an illuminating shade of hazelnut brown nectar. Men gaze in awe of her presence, which alone engenders within them the warmth of fall, the energy of summer days, and the liveliness of an abounding spring. And if one chooses to look closer, they may even catch a glimpse of winter chill, the reminiscence of disappointment, intelligible anger, hurt, and a simple question that she looks to ask me, Why, am I single? To this I answer simply, I do not know.

She continues, I’m educated, I have a good job, I live on my own, and I’ve been told I’m nice to look at, why am I single? Again I answer, I do not know. Simply because the beauty that has my eyes fixed and the notable mentions that appear entreating on paper, cannot substitute for what lies behind the thin veil of pulchritude that stands before me. So it is in this moment that we, together, begin the arduous task of delving underneath the surface to find if she, a woman that represents a sea of others that bear the same plight, has internally what it requires to attract what it is she desires and keep it.

So why are you single? Or having such a disastrous experience in the realm of dating?

Despite the knowledge I have gained on the topic of relationships over the last decade of researching them and coaching thousands, there is no way I could give you that answer, but what I have been able to do is create a path to lead you to it. I believe that while turning the pages of this book you will find that there are no easy answers to those questions, because there aren’t many things that are easy about you. From our genetic make-up to the way we think, we are infinitely complex individuals and it doesn’t get any easier when attempting to form a lasting bond with another complex individual. The idea alone of a relationship is very simple, in that it is defined as to be connected or to bond. However, because we are complex, the act of connecting and binding may prove to be a mountainous task, even in the relationship with our selves.

Understand that despite how you arrived there or how long you’ve been there, single does not mean failure. There are beautiful, independent, and strong women who have found success in just about every part of their life. They receive compliments and affection from every direction but the love and security they yearn for they have yet to find. The One is an enlightening experience for women who know they are a priceless gem and would be an asset to any man, yet find themselves single, or chronically coming out on the losing end in the game of dating. This is also for the woman who is just about ready to test the waters. Before your toe even touches, I will save you the trouble by telling you that the water is extremely cold, but if you do it right, it won’t take you years to begin enjoying the swim.

The contents are not laced with gimmicks or quick answers and were not written by a reformed dog attempting to save you from what he has done to others. It’s not a male-basher or a how-to guide on what you should wear how or how you should think. Instead, this book is composed of research, extensive interviews, insight from some of the top relationship experts in the country and over a decade of experience coaching thousands relating to intimate relationships. Most importantly, it’s about finding and being the best you possible. If read closely with an open mind, an honest heart, and a commitment to action (even when it hurts), this book will be a journey, ultimately leading you to your own answers, solutions, and the destinations you desire. You will find that this reading differs from most others on the subject at hand because it is less about men, societal standards, dating, or what I call the external factors, and more about you and attracting one that you can build a long lasting and fruitful relationship with. While some of those topics are indeed touched on, for the most part what you will read is based in Humanistic Theory and the Law of Attraction. These are powerful tools that not only hold you responsible for your current station, but when accepted, will also place you in the driver’s seat of your own life.

Who is The One? We may not all be searching for The One, but we all need to be. You’ll be surprised to find that this book is about more than finding a man to call your own, this book is about finding love in its purest form, and reaping the benefits of that discovery. There is a reason why hundreds of books dealing with the topic of relationships are thrown at consumers each year and that reason is—love sells, and everybody wants a piece of it. But the search shouldn’t be such a daunting task robbing you financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. What I’ve found is that we can make finding that love remarkably easier on ourselves by searching for love in the right place—on the first try. The components of this book are a starting line and seven steps; it is a pathway to help make meaningful changes and finding that love.

Whether you are looking, tired of looking, or simply opening yourself up to the possibility of being discovered, I can make this promise to you: by the time you finish reading this book, you will have found that you are closer to The One than you think. In fact, I guarantee it.

One last thing before you get started, know this, some of what you read you will already know, some of what you read you will find provocative and enlightening, and among many other things, some of what you read you may find yourself in complete disagreement with. To that I say—try it. Try to accept something that does not fit your mold, even if momentarily, you may find that everything you were looking for was waiting for you in a place you were too stubborn to go. Also keep in mind, that when it comes to relationships there is no one size fits all, we are way too complex for that, and to every rule there are exceptions. Neither I, nor anyone, could speak on behalf of any group of people, but based on research and our common denominating factors, I have been able to create this guide. So again I encourage you to read closely, with an open mind, and honest heart, and a commitment to action. You’re ready for this, you’ve been ready, and it’s time for you to find The One.

Note: Throughout this book, some names have been changed at the request of those interviewed.

THE STARTING LINE AND STEP ONE:

Change Where You Are Pointing

When you blame others, you give up your power to change

– UNKNOWN

Do yourself a quick favor and grab something to write on and something to write with, I’ll wait…

Got it? Great. Now before you go any further, ask yourself this question: Why am I single?

Be very honest about the answer(s) and jot it all down on that piece of paper. Again, I’ll wait…

Done? Perfect, let’s get started!

THE ONE PRINCIPLE #1

You are the reason you are single

If you’re single, then there is no doubt that you anticipate, dread, and most likely despise that inescapable moment when someone asks you why. You’ve heard it so many times that you can almost feel it coming in conversation. Your stomach folds and ties in knots at the mere thought of having to answer the question. Perhaps the person to whom you are speaking with has sized you up from head to toe, and has calculated your value by your appearance, some of the thoughts you’ve shared, and your background. Now the question appears like a dark cloud looming overhead. You fear the question will create a new perception of who you are and your merit. The person you are speaking with is just bewildered by the idea that you are single. Whether you’re in a circle of friends discussing relationships or, maybe it’s just mom pushing for grandbabies to spoil; the single woman, especially one who has been single for a prolonged period, usually hates to address the issue matter-of-factly. Whatever the reason the question is posed, for the most part, there tends to be a good or reasonable answer. Here is how twenty women in their own words, answered the question, Why are you single?

A lot of men are scared of commitment and run when things start to get serious.

Because I have high standards.

Men are disappointing and inconsistent.

I’m waiting for a man with integrity.

I know exactly what I want, and it didn’t work out with the one guy who had it all.

I will not settle for less, I’m waiting for what God has for me.

Most of the men who have their priorities together aren’t ready to settle down.

I grew up with a bunch of boys and it’s left a bad taste in my mouth for men.

My professional life isn’t in order, so that has to be my top priority right now.

I wish I could answer, but I have absolutely no idea.

I haven’t met my match, plus I don’t go out much.

It’s hard to find a real man.

I’m still working on me.

I’ve made it too far to allow someone to come in and wreck what I’ve worked so hard for.

Being single is easy on the heart.

There are no good men left.

I refuse to settle for a weak, insecure man. Only a real man deserves me.

I haven’t met the right person.

Because I’ve had a long line of run-ins with the wrong guys.

Men are intimidated by my success.

These are only twenty of countless possible answers, but for the most part they all have one thing in common—they have everything to do with external factors, and hardly anything to do with the person.

THE ONE PRINCIPLE #2

Whenever you point your finger, notice that there are three more pointing right back at you.

The truth is, it’s easier to lay the blame on all the external factors instead of looking inside and giving a few honest answers to the question, where am I going wrong? The interesting thing I found when gathering these answers was that when people point to the external factors, the answers come out quickly, with conviction, and no room for doubt. However, when they were asked where their faults were, the answers rolled off their tongues much slower, for most, at a methodical pace. As you will notice in this chapter, when we take the time to explore the areas that we can improve in, the answers are dramatically different.

I want you to be clear that the goal here is not for you to blame yourself or to soak in self-pity in light of past mistakes or missteps. This is about taking 100 percent responsibility of the fact that all that you are experiencing at this moment—externally and internally—is the result of your own past thoughts, words, actions, and reactions. Where you are today is the result of whatever you consistently chose to put into your yesterday. That includes your finances, your level of education, your career, the quality of your relationships—everything. It’s your life, not the people and circumstances to which you are laying the blame. You can blame the bank for the $35.00 insufficient funds fee, or you can stop making charges when you know you don’t have the money to cover it. You can grumble and complain about your horrific job or you can fill out applications for a new one. You can talk your best friend’s ear off about how the ex keeps running in and out of your life or you can slam the door in his face and keep it movin’!

Accept full responsibility. Only from there can you begin to take the steps to making the changes you want to see in your love life. Only then will you be that much closer to finding The One.

Let me use myself as an example. When people asked me why I was single, I would always have an answer ready—of course pointing my finger to the external factors.

They don’t make them like the women in my family anymore.

They always do something to mess everything up, like lie. I just can’t stand a woman lying to me.

I get bored easily.

I’d rather not risk being cheated on again.

However, when I chose to take 100 percent responsibility for my life and the results I was experiencing in every aspect of it, my answers changed.

I have trust issues.

I am over-analytical.

I don’t give any room for error.

I don’t know myself.

I have not waited for God’s promises.

I spent too long in a dead end relationship trying to escape an inevitable heartbreak!

THE ONE PRINCIPLE #3

When you assume 100 percent responsibility you take 100 percent control of your life

In retrospect, I realized I had great partners and I