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    The Grumps
    The Grumps
    The Grumps
    Ebook133 pages1 hour

    The Grumps

    By Stephen Ryan

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Here is a book of family stories that just had to happen. Home truths are interwoven with embellishments and porky pies (courtesy of Grumps), which still don’t get past a little girl called Amber. She is always one step ahead of Grumps, and on an even keel with her grandmother. Then there’s the family dog, who knows how to get a message across and will happily rat on Grumps for a Meaty Bite. So much for man’s best friend.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateJul 30, 2013
    ISBN9780987528216
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      Book preview

      The Grumps - Stephen Ryan

      good.

      Grumps: The Beginning

      So, dear, why so far north? asked the newly wed Mrs Rose Grumps as her husband steered the horses around the rough goat track.

      Because I know God’s country when I see it.

      She knew by that look that he was leading on with half the story.

      You know if I don’t like the place I’ll pack my bags and leave you here.

      Now dear, how can you not like God’s country? Just look at these old tall trees and scrub. You just don’t get to see that kind of green anywhere else. However, if you want to go back down south and own a patch of brown dirt. . .! His smirk now grew even bigger.

      Anyway, you can’t leave me, he added.

      And why not, dear?

      You promised me when we were married that I was allowed to make one decision and you would stick by me come hell or high water.

      Trust you not to forget that one.

      Well you should know the rules. Males aren’t allowed to make decisions in a marriage.

      Hang on a tick, I was under the influence of that champagne they served at the wedding, replied Mrs Grumps.

      As you have said many times before, dear, alcohol is no excuse for poor judgement.

      Feeling very frustrated, she gave her husband a look that even the horses felt and influenced the dogs, Jody and Scully, to race to the back of the wagon. The cat, Ginger, who was sitting on her lap, didn’t know where to go.

      The house is not far now. When you see it, then you can make up your mind.

      Well it better be soon. I can hear that tummy of yours grumbling already.

      Moving along the rough track surrounded by cool rainforest trees branching over them and filtering the sun and sounds of the wildlife, she had to admit to herself that she had never seen greenness like this before. They crossed a large dip in the track overshadowed by tall trees, and found themselves in a large paddock which surrounded a freshly-painted wooden high-set house with a wraparound veranda.

      With her jaw and eyes wide open, Mrs Grumps exclaimed, How can we afford this place? It would have cost us a fortune!

      Whoa there, girls. Grumps applied the footbrake and the horses stopped. Only 25 quid for the 100 acres and the house, he added.

      We don’t have that kind of money.

      Well you know me, over the years I always lent money to my friends who never paid me back.

      Oh, I know them all right, bunch of lazy no-hopers who haven’t seen a hard day’s work in their whole life.

      Well with the help of Jody here they all paid up quite willingly, I’d say.

      What? She would lick you to death!

      Well she is very smart. When they started with the old excuses she went up to them, placed her jaws around their crutch and applied just enough pressure, and they very quickly came up with the money. Yep, you have to hand it to her. For a dog, she really knows how to get a man’s attention.

      This is Jody we are talking about, right? Mrs Grumps observed, looking back at Jody.

      That’s right, isn’t it, girl? smiled Grumps. As Jody wagged her tail, she barked as if she knew what she was being asked.

      When Grumps helped his wife down from the wagon she stretched and rubbed her backside, as she stood in front of the steps and gave the place the once-over. Her husband took her by the hand and said invitingly, Come, my dear, the homestead awaits. Walking up the steps he opened the door and lifted her up in his arms to carry her across the threshold. At that moment the unexpected sound of many voices all singing out Surprise! broke the silence.

      What the. . . who are all these people?

      Dear, these are our new neighbours. They helped fix up the place as a house- warming present, he explained sheepishly, as he lowered her feet to the floor.

      Allow me to introduce Dave and Mabel Kerwins; this is Bruce and Hazel Smith; and this is Allen and Debra Marshals. Placing his arm around her he continued, This, folks, is my lovely wife, Rose, who is the one responsible for that delicious strawberry jam you all tried. Just then they all presented the empty jars.

      Refills would be nice when you have settled down, they all said together. The look she gave her husband said ‘I will deal with you later, dear’, but she answered, I will be glad to. Once we get the vegie patch up I’ll have them refilled in a jiffy. Just then Grumps’ stomach made a loud, grumbling noise.

      On that note, it was universally decided that it was time for lunch. As Dave indicated the back door, they all followed him down the back steps where there was a good fire going with piles of hot ashes covering Dutch ovens set around the outer edges of the fire.

      Today, folks, you are in for a rare treat. We have curried kangaroo stew and dumplings, roast rabbit with my special onion and lemon stuffing, wombat steaks marinated in garlic and mint sauce and to follow up, as much damper as you can eat, Allen proudly informed them.

      I don’t like the idea of eating wombat, replied Rose.

      Well actually it’s lamb that was run over by a wombat. Poor little guy never stood a chance; sheep haven’t learnt how to jump yet like the roos can. Allen tried hard to keep a straight face.

      Allen, are you familiar with the jingle bells song?

      Oh yes. Only if you pull my left leg. The right leg doesn’t work. Everybody burst out laughing, and sitting down, they filled their plates.

      Joseph, would you like to do the honours and say grace? said Dave.

      I would love to, said Grumps.

      Now, dear, keep it clean. I don’t want to be making you apologise for the rest of your life. The nod indicated message received, and that he knew full well that his wife she was quite capable of making him sorry for the rest of his life. Dear Lord, we would all like to thank you for the food that is now before us and only wish you could be here to enjoy it with us. Feeling a kick under the table, he quickly added, Amen.

      Okay, folks, as you are new to this home brew I must warn you to take small sips and please don’t let it touch any woodwork as it strips the paint right off, explained Dave.

      How much should we drink then if it’s that strong? asked Grumps.

      No more than one sip per year for the first five years. You should be right after that.

      That’s good. I would hate to wake up with a sore head tomorrow morning.

      The sore head won’t hit you until you drink water.

      What if I have a coffee first?

      Then you’ll suffer from blurred vision for a few hours and will agree to anything that your wife wants to be done, so I recommend the water. Not sure if Dave was joking, Grumps took his first decent sip, which everybody watched in anticipation.

      Wait for it. Give it about another three seconds for it to hit home, explained Dave.

      Well I don’t know what you are all worried about. Has a nice kick to it I’ll give you that OH MY GOD!!! were the only words he could utter, as his mouth went dry, his teeth caught fire, and a deep rumbling came from within. Grump was up like a rocket taking half of the table with him. As he tore up the steps, he could hardly get his pants down quickly enough.

      Thank God the toilet seat’s up, he yelled out at the top of his voice as he danced about, finally sitting down. The instant release was clearly audible, as he had no time to shut the door properly and was too scared to get up to close it. Everybody outside was in fits of laughter. Ginger entered the bathroom, looking curiously at Grumps. Then Grumps felt the second wave building up in his stomach and there was no holding back. An almighty explosion erupted. A foul smell followed, filling the place instantly. Everyone outside stopped.

      What in God almighty was that? came the chorus. Ginger shot out of the house, and without

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