The Kids Are Driving Me Crazy! by Lisa Barker - Read Online
The Kids Are Driving Me Crazy!
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Six 10 minute laughter breaks to get parents through the week. A small sampling of Lisa Barker's humor based on the once popular online parenting humor column, Jelly Mom(TM). If you like this sample, you'll love her books: Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent! and Before I Had Kids I Was a Size 9.

Published: Lisa Barker on


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The Kids Are Driving Me Crazy! - Lisa Barker

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Part One

Break One


The Tale of The Skeenky Hepper

It starts with an odor that you and your spouse try to ignore. Then, you one-up each other with casual remarks about what that smell could possibly be. Finally, one of you dares to identify the stink HOPING that your spouse will own up to the fact that it’s HIS/HER turn to attend to it.

When that doesn’t happen, you make yourself get up and, supplied with the appropriate arsenal, you hunt down the malodorous perpetrator. There, in his bedroom, with his diaper completely off is your two-year old who apparently hasn’t mastered the fine art of changing his own diaper. It’s everywhere. Skeenky! he tells you. Skeenky hepper!

We have two kinds of skeenky heppers in our house. One lies around the house all day and only shows signs of life when I open a can of dog food and plop it in his bowl. That would be our dog Pepper, whom my son calls Hepper and he is indeed skeenky.

The other skeenky hepper happens to be just what you thought it was: a full diaper.

Nothing else on earth makes adults regress as rapidly as a skeenky hepper.

It’s YOUR turn to change it!

No way, I did it last time. It’s YOUR turn!

Is not!

Is too!

Parents, just what type of behavior are we modeling for our children? Remember what all the parenting guides said? Children learn by watching us.

My husband gags and fans his face and makes a big production. Ew, yuck, it’s everywhere!

Well, hand me some wet paper towels…and a gas mask!

He hands them to me on the end of a swimming pole, while pinching his nose.

Is this why the older children who are perfectly capable of changing their younger brother’s diaper suddenly disappear whenever that odor, like a fine mist, slowly fills our home?

It’s about the only time the kids behave absolutely perfectly…so as not to draw any attention to themselves.

Here, take this outside to the garbage.

My husband runs like he has a hot coal in his hands. Kids scatter. I reach for the air freshener. Now there really is a thick fog in our house. Little by little family members begin to return. At