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    The Adventures of the Lane Avenger
    The Adventures of the Lane Avenger
    The Adventures of the Lane Avenger
    Ebook180 pages1 hour

    The Adventures of the Lane Avenger

    By Lane Avenger

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    About this ebook

    Ride with the Lane AvengerTM as he fights for truth, justice and a bit of consideration for others on the highways of Great Britain.

    Thrill to his exploits as he struggles bravely with middle lane hoggers, tailgating BMWs, ticket happy policemen, Top Gear presenters and car-hating local authorities.

    Swoon as he rediscovers techniques lost to motorists for generations, like using your indicators, letting people out at busy junctions and pulling in after overtaking.

    Weep as he is ruthlessly hunted down like a wanted criminal by the Hampshire police and patronised by well-meaning morons for two hours at a Driver Awareness Course.

    Learn new skills like The Nudge, The Sally, The LA Stare TM, the WOPO formula and The Flying ‘H’ and maybe, one day, you too could become a Lane AvengerTM.

    More hate less speed.

    Part autobiography, part self-help book, part homework diary and a bit of a call to arms, the book charts Lane’s rise from his humble birth on an Indian reservation near Montreal, through a stellar career in psychosomatics and nuclear physics to become head of standing around in a white coat at the Laboratoire Garniere and parish councillor for Swindon’s Toothill ward (East).

    Hear how, fed up with the incessant and spiteful back-biting of the world of academia, and after a row over fortnightly bin collections, he gave all this up to found the ‘Take back the Highway!’ movement.

    Gasp as he reveals the answers to the big questions that others are too sacred to ask. Why does nature abhor a vacuum? Is the word ‘abhor’ ever used in any other context? How come ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable’ mean the same thing?

    Wonder about the mysterious gaps in his CV in 1976, 1980, 2003 and 2012 - strangely coinciding with the Israeli raid on Entebbe, the end of the Iranian Embassy siege, the capture of Saddam Hussein and the brutal slaying of Osama Bin Laden. Was he really ‘just watching television’ at the time? Yes.

    Go to bed dreaming of a better commute for us all, but with a strange, niggling feeling at the back of your mind that somewhere between pages eight and forty seven (depending on font size) you missed a very important message...a secret that could blow the entire western world apart.

    Batteries not included.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherLane Avenger
    Release dateOct 18, 2013
    ISBN9781301795772
    The Adventures of the Lane Avenger
    Author

    Lane Avenger

    The product of the union of a Welsh mother and Native American father, Buffalo Wings Avenger, Lane was born on an Indian Reservation near Montreal, Canada, which gave him his lifelong love of Arcade Fire and the oppression of the indigenous Innuit people.Educated at the Husonc Aademy, where, after a patchy start, he excelled at languages and was fluent in German, Welsh and Visual Basic by the age of 7. He became the first pupil from Husonc to attend Oxford when he was offered a scholarship to read superconductivity and haberdashery at Oxford Brookes University. His innate sporting talent enabled him to get a Blue, but he was unable to get the Pink as it was behind the Black.A disciple of Professor Hamilton at the University of Dusseldorf, his seminole treatise on “The Psychological Aspects of the Behaviour of Subatomic Particles”, subtitled “The charm of quarks – is it all spin?” was a minor sensation in the UK and temporarily displaced Princess Diana from the front page of the Daily Express.Following a successful period as head of standing around in a white coat at the Laboratoire Garniere, a poor knee led him to accept the Lutheran chair of physics at the University of Heidelberg. At this time, with the exception of the extra-terrestrial entity known as Brainiac, Lane did not view any other being as an intellectual peer. He subsequently moved to the University of Northern Westphalia where he sat on the Bizarro settee of microbiology.In 2009, having completed his lounge furniture, and following a bitter dispute over how big hadrons had to be to be allowed into the CERN Large Hadron Collider, Lane left academia to spend more time commuting (he was after all a Roads Scholar).Although universally acknowledged to be the founder of the ‘Take back the Highway’ movement, and despite numerous donations to the Conservative party, he is yet to receive any recognition for his contribution to society.Impressive as it is, there are some unexplained gaps in his CV, notably in 1976, 1980, 2003 and 2012 - strangely coinciding with the Israeli raid on Entebbe, the end of the Iranian Embassy siege, the capture of Saddam Hussein and the brutal slaying of Osama Bin Laden. However Lane has always insisted that he was ‘just between jobs’ and ‘probably watching television’ at the time.Lane is married with two children, a teenager and Head. His hobbies include nouvelle cuisine, phrenology and homo-erotic topiary, and he spends his days off memorising poems in a white van parked on motorway bridges.

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      Book preview

      The Adventures of the Lane Avenger - Lane Avenger

      You are driving along a dual carriageway which is reducing to one lane after a roundabout ahead. Queues build up in the inside lane (IL) while the outside lane (OL) is relatively empty.

      Do you:

      A: Take the OL and cut in at the end

      B: Queue diligently in the IL

      C: Take the IL but not allow cars outside you in when you get to the front

      D: Take the OL but stay parallel to cars inside, blocking the cars behind you.

      In my time as a student of psychiatric psychoanalysis at the University of Leipzig, this was a test we often used to divide patients into four basic personality types.

      A - Aggressive.

      This is easy to justify to yourself if you are in a genuine rush, drive a BMW or just feel that your time is more important than other people’s. For people who are not truly type A (Bastard) it can be a bit stressful as you approach the head of the queue, but if you aren’t up to this you should adopt type B (Wimp) tactics anyway.

      A compromise strategy, if you feel guilty about pushing in, but don’t have time to queue, is to be extremely meek when at the front of the queue and let a few cars from the IL go ahead of you. Strangely, although you might still have made a net gain of about 50 places, this tactic seems to wipe the slate clean - if not turn you into a minor highway saint.

      If you meet type C (Repressed, potential homicidal maniacs) people who don’t want to let you in, do not panic. It is quite possible that one or maybe even two cars will block you, but the chances of meeting three consecutive resentful drivers are remote, and the third will usually let you in out of sympathy, feeling that you will have learnt your lesson. I am certainly not aware of anyone ever being stuck in the OL for hours as a result of this tactic.

      B - Passive

      Although being type B (Wimp) is not in itself stressful, it can leave you with lingering feelings of inadequacy, which untreated could escalate into self-loathing or anger (and possibly cause mutation into type C). However, B is the most common response in the UK, which must show the Brits to be a naturally passive race. I don’t know if B is equally popular in countries like France or Italy, but somehow I doubt it. Somebody needs to do a study.

      One way to get through without any permanent damage to the ego is to adopt a Zen like spiritual state – like a fakir lying on beds of nails (although admittedly having nails inserted up your backside is less painful than watching a string of Bavarian Motor Works-machines – coincidentally also types of fakirs - relentlessly jump you in the queue.)

      The irony is that if more of the meek type Bs adopted the strategy of the self-important type As, a state of evolutionary equilibrium would eventually be reached (c.f. The Selfish Gene by Sir Richard Dawkins), and there would be no advantage going in the OL. By way of this book therefore may I appeal to all the type Bs out there to man up and pull out - if not for themselves, for Sir Richard and the Theory of Evolution (although it’s not really a theory – it’s fact – c.f. The Greatest Show on Earth by Sir Richard Dawkins.)

      C - Passive-aggressive

      If you answered C above then, unless you are a psychopath, you will be in for a stressful time. I have done this a few times for research purposes and although it can be a bit of a thrill it is also hard work, not to mention potentially dangerous. It is my least favourite option.

      As two lanes converge, blocking the car adjacent to you may be possible, but trying to stop the one in front of him, or the one in front again, is nigh on impossible and leads to angry confrontations.

      D - Assertive

      D is the ‘correct’ answer, because assertiveness is a ‘good thing’ as numerous self-help books will tell you. It takes a bit of courage though. You quite often see lorry drivers doing it, but they are safe in their big machines and high cabs. It’s much more difficult for a car driver to single-handedly hold up (and piss off) an entire lane of aggressive drivers.

      I did this once on the A48 dual carriageway approaching the M4 in West Wales. There were weekend road-works on the Pont Abraham roundabout and the queue started some three miles in advance. I sat in the IL for some time but progress was painfully slow, and there was a steady stream of Behold My Wallets and Are U Driving Inconsideratelys flying past in the OL.

      Eventually I had had enough and decided to make a stand. I pulled out but maintained the same speed as the car in front. The queue soon built up behind, and the IL finally started to make some progress. But, as we neared the roundabout, the two cars held up immediately behind me pulled in, taking my former place. Looking in the mirror I realised I was completely alone in the OL.

      The irony here is that, in my effort to ensure fair play, I ended up having to do exactly what I stopped everyone else from doing, cutting in at the end. I indicated and started to come across but both the cars I had blocked were clamped like mussels onto the bumper of the car in front. I challenged both drivers with a good hard stare, but they avoided my gaze.

      However if you have ever considered strategy D you have the makings of a Lane Avenger ™.

      Loving the Open Road

      A beautiful sunny day, Sprawl II on the car stereo, 140 bhp being generated by the engine beneath your loins – what could be better than this? Well plenty. The days have long gone where driving was an enjoyable pursuit in itself. OK, if you are in a Ferrari Testarossa on the Col de Turini - a typical spot for an episode of Top Gear with Richard Hammond and James May playing silly buggers on the CB, it may be ok - or at least the condensed highlights may be. (Do you like Top Gear? My children, aged 10 and 11 do. They also like The Suite Life of Zach and Cody).

      However in reality commuting to work in your car is dull, dull, dull - or at least it was - until someone (me actually) came up with...

      An Introductory Guide to Lane Avenging ™

      Step 1. Pull over after overtaking.

      Yes it’s that’s simple. Something that we are all supposed to but for some reason nobody does. How often have you been stuck in a long queue in the OL with the ML half empty? How much quicker could we all go if everyone gave way to faster cars behind? Whatever happened to ‘the outside lane is for overtaking only’?

      The British must be the only people in the world who can turn a three lane motorway into a dual carriageway. They justify this with the belief that they are ‘overtaking the car half a mile ahead’ or ‘It’s not my fault, it’s the car in front of me, if he pulled over I would overtake him.’ When traffic does disperse however, the Jaguar XJS in front accelerates away into the distance, and you pull over sheepishly in your Fiat Cinquecento.

      Here are a couple of examples from the M4 between Swindon and London. In the first there are four cars in the ML heading east.

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