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    On Princesses: A Foible
    On Princesses: A Foible
    On Princesses: A Foible
    Ebook141 pages2 hours

    On Princesses: A Foible

    By Susan Skylark

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    About this ebook

    If you are looking for a serious tale with a redeeming moral, find another book. This is a silly (and hopefully entertaining) romp through the land of Faerie, poking fun at everything you love about fairy tales, geek culture, and very possibly things that have very little to do with either, but sadly no one will ever make a big name animated motion picture out of it. I guess that is what your imagination is for.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSusan Skylark
    Release dateDec 16, 2013
    ISBN9781311182104
    On Princesses: A Foible
    Author

    Susan Skylark

    Once upon a time there was a sensible young lady who pursued a practical career, but finding it far less fulfilling than the proponents of the modern fairytale promulgate, she then married a clergyman, much to everyone’s astonishment, including her own, and in proper fairytale fashion keeps house for the mysterious gentleman in a far away land, spending most of her time in company with a very short, whimsical person who can almost speak English. She enjoys fantasy, fairy tales, and adventure stories and her writing reflects this quaint affectation. She considers Happy Endings (more or less) a requisite to good literature and sanity, though real stories never, truly end.

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      Book preview

      On Princesses - Susan Skylark

      On Princesses: A Foible

      Susan Skylark

      Copyright 2013 Susan Skylark

      Smashwords Edition

      Revised 2019

      This is a foible, not a fable, fables are by definition useful and educational, this story is merely enjoyable, or so thinks the author.

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to an authorized retailor and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author

      What people are saying about this story:

      Complete nonsense! What is the world coming to? Do not let your kids read this book… --Pedagogy Monthly.--

      …full of stereotypes and affronts, only reinforces the stigma society already holds for small dogs and their pet parents… --The Lap Dog Gazette--

      A curious look at a case involving dwarvish consumption of fried foods and the possible consequences thereof… --The Journal of Dwarvish Gastroenterology--

      A story full of hope for an overlooked and underrated subclass of society; yes, my fellow nerds, there is a chance for love and adventure, just not in the real world, as we have long maintained. ---RPG Today--

      I liked it…what are we talking about again? Tacos? Yeah, I like tacos…not tacos?

      --Anonymous Undergrad after a busy night out--

      Table of Contents:

      The Story

      Other Books by this Author

      Sample Chapters

      On Princesses: A Foible

      Once upon a time in a land far away (as all such lands certainly are), there was born a Princess, and like all such royal children, her birth caused quite a stir in the Kingdom, for certainly this was a herald of troubles to come, for is it not so in all such tales? Quite sensibly therefore, in anticipation of this unknown but very certain threat to his Crown and Kingdom, the King sent his only child away for her sake and for all other sakes in the Kingdom. With a sigh of relief and a bit of grief, the loving but dutiful parents sent their child into another world where she might remain until the Appointed Time when the threat of all potential disasters would be long past and she could return safely to the realm. The place where the wizards banished the poor dear was a weird and wild place, filled with all manner of strange and bizarre creatures, and this was the opinion of people who had seen unicorns and dragons and centaurs.

      It was a place where no sane villain (and very few of the crazy ones) would think to look for such a personage, for what parent would dare send their beloved child There? Besides for the inanity of sending a royal child to such a place (which was precisely the reason to do it), there was also the fact that it would be the perfect place for her to grow up and learn all the things children of noble birth must know: namely that oneself is the most important entity in the known universe. For the citizens of this strange and distant land had long ago forgotten their past, cared little for their futures, and could really care less about anyone but themselves. It was a whole civilization of folk who thought they were aristocrats or at least thought they should be. It was perfect! Or at least it should have been, for the one problem with raising a completely self-absorbed person is trying to get them to notice or do anything not immediately associated with themselves.

      Gertrude! shrieked a prissy female at the top of her lungs and voice range, Gertrude! I am in desperate need of your help! Eeek!

      Gertrude dashed up the stairs at her sister’s frantic call for aid, which in itself was not disturbing, for Clarisse must cry out in vexation at least a dozen times a day, but that she would ask for help from her sister was nearly unthinkable. She either sought help from her indulgent parents, her elder but not wiser sister Missy, or from one of the equally flighty young women who always seemed to hang about her like the pox, but never would she deign to demand the assistance of her geeky twin sister. It must be something truly desperate indeed to draw such a cry for help when Gertrude was the only person within auditory range capable of rendering aid. Gertrude dashed into the bathroom where Clarisse was putting the finishing touches on her hours long morning ritual, only to find the whole morning’s labor disfigured by a look of utter horror. Now this look on anyone else might cause the observer a moment of pity but it occupied Clarisse’s face so often that those familiar with her seldom seemed to notice, save in times of dire emergency, such as this. The panic filled eyes were focused on the bathroom mirror, which had moments ago displayed only her gorgeous countenance but now her visage was obscured by a rather lengthy message scrawled out within the mirror itself, for no amount of wiping or scratching would efface the writing.

      Shrieked Clarisse, as Gertrude ran into the little room, what can it mean? Oh, what can it mean? How can hackers and telemarketers have gained access to my bathroom mirror? I have already destroyed or deleted this message many times over, only to have it appear here! Gertrude was quite intrigued and even on the tingling verge of that excitement every true geek knows when an adventure is before them. She read the message again and again, and with each reading her smile deepened while Clarisse could only stare at her in growing mystification. Finally she groused, why are you smiling like an idiot? This had better not be some trick of your nerdy friends!

      Gertrude faced her twin sister and said, how could you have let this go for so long? It says quite plainly that this is the five thousand one hundred and sixth time this message has been relayed! How can you be so oblivious? What other messages have you received?

      Clarisse smiled frivolously and said, oh, they have tried to contact me by every means possible. They even sent me a letter! Who sends letters in this day and age? I cannot get away from this harassment, even in my own bathroom! Every means by which to communicate has been tried and has failed, for I will not believe these hackers, whoever they are. Are you sure this is not some weird trick from your even weirder friends?

      Gertrude laughed grimly, my friends are too enlightened to try entangling you in such a plot. They would never waste their time. She sighed deeply, but alas, it is real and for some reason beyond comprehension, this adventure has fallen to you. She brightened then and said, of course I must come with you because you will be completely inept upon such a quest.

      Clarisse gaped, you believe this nonsense? You really think this is wise or safe or socially acceptable? Gertrude laughed as she grabbed her sister’s hand and drew her out of the bathroom and down the hall towards the bedrooms, saying, it is certainly none of those but you are not going to miss this if I can help it! Clarisse was too mystified to do anything but follow in confused astonishment.

      The full text of the writing was as follows, My Dearest Madam, please be informed that we have tried reaching you by various means, on several occasions (5,106 to be exact). We were loath to send this message in this manner as it is quite intolerable to separate one’s royal personage from one’s royal reflection but we are quite desperate. Please proceed to the Park and enter the first horse drawn vehicle you encounter and all will be well. If you fail in this endeavor many lives, including possibly your own, shall be grievously touched. Ever Yours, The Royal Secretary of Lofrenier. Clarisse could not comprehend in the least what Gertrude knew almost before she read the message: it must be magical and therefore an adventure, but who was senseless enough to ask for help from such a person as Clarisse? Regardless, this thing must be done and there was no way that Gertrude was going to miss it.

      They stopped in Clarisse’s room and Gertrude ransacked her as until now forbidden closet. She finally drew forth a long dress that might be just the thing, or as close to the thing as she could convince Clarisse to wear in public. Clarisse was aghast to see Gertrude digging in her closet but then even more mortified when she demanded that she wear last year’s prom dress out in the streets! The poor old dress was so terribly out of fashion that Clarisse would be forced to remain out of social reach for at least a week if she were foolish enough to give in to her sister’s ravings. Gertude solved this small problem by dashing from the room and presenting her sister with a veil. At first Clarisse had no idea what the filmy material was and then it occurred to her that she could then appease her sister (also something she had never done) and also be out and about without causing a riot and being recognized, as she had feared. As she donned the clothing, still not understanding but so shocked with the morning’s events that she dared not defy her sister, Gertrude dashed from the room and returned almost instantly garbed in one of those weird ensembles she insisted on wearing to Medieval Fairs and Sci-Fi Conventions but this outfit was much more appropriate to the former than the latter.

      You look like Robin Hood, laughed Clarisse, as Gertrude tied up the back of her dress.

      Gertrude grinned and said, one of us had better. Come my Lady! They donned a pair of cloaks (also quite unfashionable) and made their way out the door and towards the park.

      I still can’t believe we are doing this, said Clarisse as they entered the park.

      Gertrude grinned and said, I cannot believe you are doing this, but I can easily believe I am doing this.

      Clarisse nodded dully, remembering all the times her weird sister had dressed up to attend movie premieres, book signings, and conventions. On their own street, had there been anyone to observe they might have been remarked, but in the park they were quite overlooked, as the various denizens thereof were even more aberrantly arrayed than themselves. There were the punk kids with their tattered clothes, chains, tattoos, and interesting hair colors. There was a wedding party posing for pictures. There was a herd of young people wearing nothing but black, complete with stygian hair and make-up. There were clowns and street performers and old ladies with blue hair, and in the mix no one noticed the pair of oddly clad young ladies. They had circled the park halfway when finally a vehicle drawn by something of vaguely equine descent stood waiting, as had the Handsome Cabs of London in bygone years. Clarisse gave one desperate look to her sister, who only laughed excitedly and drew her into the buggy.

      The door closed behind them, the driver whipped up the beast, and off they rattled. It was completely dark in the little carriage, for the windows were covered and the doors were shut.

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