Fun Jokes by Compiled by Barbour Staff - Read Online
Fun Jokes
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Need a laugh? Who doesn’t? Find more than 500 squeaky-clean, stress-relieving thigh-slappers (and maybe an occasional groaner) in Fun Jokes. This new compilation of good, clean humor features jokes, funny stories, and one-liners, all categorized by topic and sure to provide much-needed relief from the big, bad world. Jobs, travel, animals, health, sports—Fun Jokes has you covered with great material you can share with grandma. And each section opens with an inspirational introduction adding just a touch of scripture!

 

 

Published: Barbour Publishing on
ISBN: 9781628363692
List price: $4.99
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Fun Jokes - Compiled by Barbour Staff

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Zebras

Warning:

The Following Jokes

May Cause Gasping,

Wheezing, Eye-Rolling,

and Other Symptoms

Mimicking a Serious

Medical Condition…

…but, really—they’re good for you!

Here are more than five hundred fun, clean jokes, all designed to lighten your mood and improve your day. Be ready for an occasional guffaw (whatever that is!), a series of snickers (sorry, not the candy bar), even a grimace or groan now and then (hey, you can’t please all the people all the time, right?).

In the pages that follow, you’ll find jokes, riddles, and one-liners alphabetically categorized by topic—those really important life issues such as Airplanes, Baseball, and Cats, all the way through X-Rays, Youth, and Zebras. You’ll even find a category of Inspirational jokes, pointing some gentle fun at the foibles of the faithful. Be assured that all content has been approved by a panel of highly-trained humor experts, including your fourth-grade phys-ed teacher.

All right, you’ve wasted enough time on this introduction. Turn the page, will ya?

Airplanes

Ever hear this one? If God intended for people to fly, He would have given them wings. But if that’s the case, why do we have those Bible stories about Pontius the Pilot?

It was mealtime during the flight on the small airline. Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked the woman.

What are my choices? she asked.

Yes or no, the attendant replied.

On landing the flight attendant said, Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

A businessman was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.

Do you always carry such heavy luggage? she asked, winded.

Never again! the man said. "Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my friend can buy the ticket!"

What do you call an airplane that flies backward?

A receding airline.

Teacher: Where are the Great Plains?

Sam: At the great airports!

Did you hear about the man who crashed the helicopter? He got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Bestselling book titles:

Parachuting Made Easy by Will E. Maykit

Plane Assembly by Upton Away

After listening carefully to the instructor’s directions, Troy was ready for his first parachute jump.

Count to ten, then pull the rip cord. If the chute doesn’t open, pull the second cord for the backup parachute. When you land, a van will be there to pick you up. Are you ready?

I’m ready! Troy answered excitedly. With that, he jumped out of the airplane, counted to ten, then pulled the cord. The chute didn’t open.

He grasped the second cord and pulled it. Still nothing happened.

As he was falling to the ground, he angrily mumbled, And I bet that van won’t be there, either.

What do you call a redheaded woman on a green and white plane traveling from Philadelphia to London?

A passenger.

An elderly couple had finally saved enough money for a trip around the world. They had never flown on a plane before and were eager to experience air travel.

As they arrived in Chicago, they rolled to a stop, and a little red truck drove up and refueled the plane.

They next landed in Seattle, and again, a red truck pulled up to refuel the plane.

These planes make great time, don’t they, dear? asked the husband.

Yes, they do, replied the wife. And that little red truck doesn’t do too bad, either!

A man was seated on an airplane, preparing for his first flight. As he buckled his seat belt, he turned to the woman seated next to him and asked, Would you happen to know about how often jetliners like this crash?

After a brief pause, she answered, Usually only once.

When is a plane not a plane?

When it’s aloft.

Mrs. Chapman spotted a weight machine as she was walking through the airport. She was curious about the machine, so she deposited a quarter and stepped onto it. A computerized voice stated, You are five feet, six inches tall, weigh 160 pounds, and you are taking a plane to London.

She was impressed with the accuracy of the machine and decided to try it again. You are five feet, six inches tall, weigh 160 pounds, and you are taking a plane to London, said the voice.

Mrs. Chapman wanted to try once more, but this time she decided to fool it. She went into the ladies’ room, changed her sweater, and put on a hat. She returned and dropped another quarter into the slot. The voice came again, You are five feet, six inches tall, weigh 160 pounds, and added, and while you were in the ladies’ room, you missed the plane to London.

The owner of a small deli was audited by IRS. He had reported a net profit of $70,000 for the year. I work hard for my money, the deli owner said. My family helps out, and the deli is only closed three days a year. And you’re asking how I made $70,000?

Oh, it isn’t your income that’s the problem, the tax agent said. It’s the deductions. You listed five trips to the Bahamas for you and your wife.

Oh, that, the owner said with a smile. Apparently you didn’t know—we deliver.

A woman boarded a plane with her sister. As she passed the pilot, she said, Now don’t start going faster than sound. We haven’t seen each other in a long time, and we want to talk.

For fifty dollars, visitors to the air show could take a ride in a biplane. An aging couple decided to seize the opportunity and take their first flight. Never having ridden in an airplane, however, they were a bit fearful.

I’ll tell you what, said the pilot. I’ll take you up together for fifty dollars. Just promise me you won’t do two things: scream or tell me how to fly my plane.

They decided to accept his offer, and off they went. They did loops and rolls, and the pilot never heard anything out of his passengers.

Sir, you were great! shouted the pilot to the old man as they were landing. I was sure you’d both yell when I put it in that nosedive!

That part wasn’t so bad, yelled the old man. But I almost broke my promise a little before that when Marge fell out of the plane.

A nervous airline passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before her departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse. She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie: Today’s investment will pay big dividends!

A young boy was watching the news with his mother. There was a report on an airline crash, and he asked her about the black box that was mentioned.

It contains a record of the plane’s diagnostics right up until the crash, she explained to him.

Isn’t it destroyed when the plane hits the ground? asked the boy.

No. It’s encased in a special alloy material.

With a quizzical look, the boy asked, Why can’t they make the airplane out of that?

Aaron: What do you like about your job at the hot-air balloon company?

Noah: I get a raise every day.

Could you please bring me some cotton balls? a pilot asked the flight attendant as the plane neared its destination.

Is the change in air pressure hurting your ears? asked the attendant.

No, he replied. But the yelling will after I inform the passengers that the landing gear won’t drop, and we have to slide in.

Mr. and Mrs. Wilson had reached the airport just in time to make their flight. I wish we’d brought the piano with us, said Mr. Wilson.

Why on earth would you bring the piano? asked Mrs. Wilson.

That’s where the tickets are.

A class of paratroopers was ready for its jump. After the troopers jumped from the plane, they opened their chutes.