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Monkeyshines, Otters, and Drunks
Ratings:
53 pages47 minutes
Summary
Some observations by the suthor on monkeys, drunks, and semiaquatic mammals he has encountered in his life. This collection of mostly humorous short stories, fiction and non, will perhaps entertain you.
Publisher: Terrance BramblettReleased: Jan 6, 2014ISBN: 9781310124013Format: book
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Monkeyshines, Otters, and Drunks - Terrance Bramblett
MONKEYSHINES, OTTERS, and DRUNKS
By Terrance Bramblett
Copyright 2014 by Terrance Bramblett
Smashwords Edition
License Notes
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AUTHORS NOTE
This is a work of fiction. The characters and some of the events are creations of the author’s mind.
Precious Monkeys, How They Linger was previously published in the Rascals of the Red Barren Bar charity anthology from My Writers Circle. If you did not read it there, you will have the chance here.
Parts one and two of the Drunk Farm Trilogy were previously published as part of the Tales of the Coastal Plain book. If you have already read that, you may skip the first two parts.
FOREWORD
Somehow in my life, monkeys, drunks, and the occasional small carnivorous mammal have woven their way in. I do not like monkeys at all, but I like otters and drunks just fine as long as they are pleasant. This collection of short stories presents some of them for your enjoyment.
MONKEYS ALL
I find monkeys baneful. Going back to my childhood I have disliked them. The man that cut my hair when I was four, back in Hogville, was named Monkey Man. He was thin, wiry, and gray, much like old monkeys, and he chattered as they do while he cut away your growth. He doused you with stinging gal-bait instead of feces when he was done.
I have often been corrected, even mildly chastised, for calling all of the monkey-like creatures ‘monkeys’. It happens when I use the term to describe apes. However, I notice that those chastisers know what I am talking about. If there is a room with a dog and a chimpanzee in it, and I say, Look at that stupid monkey
they do not think I am calling the dog a monkey. They know immediately that I am referring to the chimp. It is irrevocably linked in their minds that monkeys and apes are the same.
Yes, yes, we all know that monkeys and apes are scientifically two different classifications. There are some clear differences in the two groups. For example, monkeys usually have tails; apes do not. Even so, I believe I am justified in calling all of them monkeys. Here is why.
Appearance: Squat, long armed, hairy, and ugly: Applies to both groups.
Odor: Extraordinarily stinky: Applies to both groups.
Demeanor: Mean, surly, vicious: Both groups.
Habits: Feces-flinging. Masturbation: Both groups are champions.
Sound: Irritating, loud, raucous: Both groups.
Food: Bananas, fruit, whatever you are having: both groups
Apes have achieved a better reputation because of numerous monkey ladies that have lived among them over the years and written about it. Nobody writes about how wonderful the blue-tailed mandrill is, but everyone loves the fearsome mountain gorilla. They raised Tarzan.
Humans descend from a branch that includes the apes, not monkeys. So what? We are no closer intellectually to a gorilla than we are to the sly monkey-grinder monkey. Does the vicious face-eating chimp cut you any slack because you are kin? I don’t think so.
So I will continue to call them all monkeys, even though taxonomically we know they are apes. With that in mind, I will now exhibit for your pleasure a few tales involving monkeys and other things.
SCARY MONKEY ENCOUNTER
I was walking downtown. On the urban pavement, the mean streets. I was trying for the Dangerous look – the one that says ‘I ain’t got no money, nothing you will get
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