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Barnaby's Shorts (Volume 7)
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164 pages2 hours
Summary
Ten short stories in a variety of genres, including another tale from the Vertigo labs in 'The Invisibility Cloak'; Emily plants her final two 'grow your own man' beans in 'When Danger of Frost is Past', and a tale of stalemate in a country lane in 'Impasse'. Is levitation really possible? Why do Tom's new curtains keep him awake at night? Answers to these questions and more in these coffee break length stories, suitable for reading on the beach, in the train, in the bath or in your morning break. Humour, mystery, a touch of Sci-fi, and even a dash of pathos in this new collection.
Publisher: Barnaby WildeReleased: Jan 10, 2014ISBN: 9781311059529Format: book
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Barnaby's Shorts (Volume 7) - Barnaby Wilde
Barnaby's Shorts
(volume 7)
A collection of short stories
by
Barnaby Wilde
Copyright 2014 by Barnaby Wilde
Barnaby Wilde asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Published by Barnaby Wilde at Smashwords
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Cover picture: Barnaby's Shorts, original self portrait by Barnaby Wilde
Other published works by the author.
Humorous Novels (The Tom Fletcher Stories)
I Keep Thinking It's Tuesday
A Question of Alignment
Every Which Way but East
Quirky Verse
Animalia
Life…
The Blind Philospher and the God of Small Things
Not at all Rhinocerus
A Little Bit Elephant
Tunnel Vision
The Well Boiled Icycle
Short Story Collections
Barnaby's Shorts (volumes 1 to 6)
Detective Fiction (The Mercedes Drew Mysteries)
Flowers for Mercedes
Free Running
Flandra
Visit www.barnaby-wilde.co.uk for the author's blog and more information about the world of Barnaby Wilde.
Barnaby's Shorts (Volume Seven)
Table of Contents
Chameleons ……….. A dream about chameleons. Or is it?
The Magician ……….. Levitation and how to achieve it.
A Bed for One Night ………. Trevor Norris has a close shave.
When Danger of Frost is Past … Emily plants more 'grow your own man' beans.
The Autograph Hunter ………… Caitlin is stalked by a man in a grey coat.
The Invisibility Cloak ……… Another tale from the Vertigo Research labs.
Curtains ……….. The problem with new bedroom curtains is …
The Final Yarn ………. The tale of a travelling salesman.
Impasse – The Tale of Bill and Wayne …. The Yarn Man's Final Story
The Fourth Plinth ……………. Close encounters of the fourth plinth kind.
Other works by Barnaby Wilde
Chameleons (1)
Chameleons are mostly there,
And not, as most folk think, quite rare.
Because they change their skins to match,
The colour of the background patch,
It can be difficult to spot ‘em,
When they’re lurking at the bottom,
Of your stairs, or hanging from the picture rail,
By that foot long prehensile tail.
So…
… next time you’re looking at the wall,
And the pattern starts to crawl,
Is it chameleons you’ve missed?
Or is it simply that you’re pissed?
Barnaby Wilde (Feb 2008)
Chameleons (2)
Do you want me to tell you about the dream now?
In a moment. Let's make sure you're comfortable, first.
O.K.
You seem a little tense. Just lie back and relax.
You can never relax when someone tells you to, can you?
I guess not, but I promise you've nothing to worry about. All we're going to do is talk. Over the years it's been found that people relax more and talk more openly if they're not having to make direct eye contact. That's why we get you to lie down.
And this helps people to relax?
I assure you it does. It's happened more than once that patients have relaxed so much in here that they've gone to sleep during the session.
Oh dear. I hope I don't do that.
You probably won't, but don't worry even if you do. It really doesn't matter.
O.K.
Are you comfortable now? It's not too warm in here?
No. It's fine. Shall I tell you about the dream now?
If that's what you'd like to do.
O.K. Um… Shall I tell you about when it first started, or about the last time?
Whichever you like. We'll explore everything in due course. It doesn't matter what order we do it in.
O.K. I can't remember exactly when it started, but it was about three months ago, I believe. I didn't think anything about it at the time. Well, you don't, do you? Dreams are always nonsense, aren't they?
Go on.
Anyway. I just woke up one morning after having this very strange dream about chameleons.
Had you ever dreamt about chameleons before that?
Not that I can recall.
Do you normally remember your dreams when you wake up?
No. Usually I haven't a clue what I may have dreamt about.
Are you a light sleeper?
No. I don't think so. I mean, I don't have any problems sleeping, or getting to sleep.
And you don't wake up in the night?
Sometimes. Sometimes I wake up needing the loo, but not every night.
And you have no difficulty getting back to sleep after you've been to the loo?
Not normally.
O.K. Tell me more about the chameleon dream.
There isn't much to tell you, really. I just dreamt about chameleons changing colour all the time. To match their backgrounds. They do that, but I guess you already knew that.
Where were you during this dream?
In bed.
Sorry, I meant, where did the activity in your dream take place?
You mean was I in a zoo, or a jungle or somewhere like that?
Yes. Can you remember the location, or the type of location?
Not really. I don't think it was the jungle. It was somewhere indoors, I think.
And how did you feel about these chameleons? Were there, in fact, more than one?
I think it was only one. I mean there was only one at any one time, but I don't know if it was the same one. All chameleons look the same to me.
They probably do to all of us unless we keep them as pets. I don't suppose you've ever owned one, or anyone in your family owned one?
No. I don't think I've even seen a real one. Just on the TV mainly.
O.K. Tell me what happened in your dream.
Well, nothing very much, to be honest. There was just a chameleon and he, it, changed colour to match the background.
Was it frightening?
No.
O.K. And you've had this dream since?
Yes. At the beginning it was just occasionally, or maybe I just didn't remember it in the morning, but now it's every night.
And it's always the same?
More or less.
O.K. Can you describe it in a bit more detail?
Well, it all sounds a bit stupid when you tell someone else. My husband just laughs at me.
I shan't laugh. Dreams are always strange. That's why they're dreams.
O.K. Well, … it usually starts in the house somewhere. In the hall, or on the stairs, or even in the bathroom. I'm just in the room and I see a chameleon. I think maybe it's always been there, but it changes it's pattern or colour to match the background and sometimes it's just difficult to see.
What happens next?
Well, somehow we're just in different places in the house and the chameleon is always there, but he, it, has changed colour again to match the new background.
And that's all that happens?
Mostly, yes.
And how do you get from one room to the other?
I don't know. Somehow we're just in a different place.
'We' being you and the chameleon?
Yes.
And does the chameleon do anything else, apart from changing colour?
It does that swaying about thing that they do. You know. Standing on two legs with one front leg and one back leg in the air, just swaying about from side to side.
O.K. And you say you're having the same dream every night? Are you having any other dreams?
I don't think so. None that I can remember, anyway.
O.K.
Am I going mad, doctor?
No. I don't think so.
But normal people don't have the same dream every night, do they?
It's unusual, I agree. But I don't think it means you're going mad. Not that that's an expression I would normally use, you understand.
What can I do about it?
For the moment, you don't need to do anything. You can go home and stop worrying. What I am going to do, though, is talk to a colleague of mine and maybe observe you while you are asleep.
How will you do that? Do I have to sleep on the couch here?
No. Of course not. We have special rooms set up in the hospital, like hotel rooms, except that they have cameras so that we can watch you remotely while you sleep and we wire you up to some monitors to check pulse, breathing, that sort of thing.
When will that be?
Soon. Next week if I can get a room.
Oh.
Tell me. One thing further. Do you normally sleep alone?
Yes. I don't get a wink of sleep otherwise. Sean, my husband, snores loud enough to wake up the neighbours, let alone me. He sleeps at the other end of the house.
It's not uncommon, I'm afraid. Has he tried to do anything about his snoring?
A bit half heartedly. He's tried a few things, but they didn't seem to help.
O.K. Let's call it a wrap for today. My secretary will be in touch as soon as we can fix up a suitable date for the sleep study.
***
So how did it go?
I had to lie on a couch and stare at the ceiling while Dr Patterson asked me about the dreams.
And you told him about the chameleons?
Of course I did. That was the whole point.
And he managed to keep a straight face?
Yes, Sean. He's a professional, not like you.
So, he's officially diagnosed you as a nutter, now, has he?
No. He took it very seriously.
And?
And he wants me to go into hospital for a night for a sleep study.
Why?
I don't know. So that they can monitor me.
I don't know why you're so bothered, anyway. I have weird dreams every night.
Somehow, Sean, that doesn't surprise me. But you don't have the same dream every night, do you?
I guess not. But it's not exactly a threatening dream, is it? It's not like you're having nightmares, or you can't sleep.
No. But it's not normal, either, is it?
I don't know. I don't remember my dreams usually, so I couldn't tell you if I had the same one every night.
I think you'd know. Anyway, it must be unusual or they wouldn't be looking for people to study.
"I
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