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    Just The Orts And A Few Odd Ends: A Song Of Goblins, Worms, And General Science Fiction Humor
    Just The Orts And A Few Odd Ends: A Song Of Goblins, Worms, And General Science Fiction Humor
    Just The Orts And A Few Odd Ends: A Song Of Goblins, Worms, And General Science Fiction Humor
    Ebook71 pages1 hour

    Just The Orts And A Few Odd Ends: A Song Of Goblins, Worms, And General Science Fiction Humor

    By Lennox Mumpsfield

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    About this ebook

    God I hate writing book descriptions... just kidding. Actually, that last comment was just a naïve attempt to distract you from the obvious fact that indeed I have not mastered the art of writing book descriptions. Who cares, right? I mean I'm probably not a bad writer. It's not like book descriptions are the most important part of writing and selling a book, after all.

    The reality is that this short story collection is the best thing since sliced cheese. You know how you go to the grocery store and you're looking for pre-packaged pepperjack slices and you're like “WHERE IN THE HECK ARE THE PEPPERJACK SINGLES YOU FILTHY MILK DRINKERS!?!?!?!?!?” Well, that's what you were like before you found this book. Fret no longer.

    I'm gonna call this a space opera collection, but in fact it is much more than that. There is flash forward fiction that has little to do with the kinds of futuristic science fiction you'd find in space opera science fiction ebooks. This isn't so much serious science fiction so much as it is humor science fiction.

    I don't know about you, but when I was a kid all I wanted to do was read a story where there was a japanese kid who secretly built his own jet pack and laser pistol and flew to Valhalla where he kidnapped an entertainer of the gods and forced him to help him cheat at a Japanese version of the American TV Show “American Idol.” If you're like me, that story will be just what you've always wanted.

    This space opera collection includes a science fiction fairy tale replete with just the right amount of zeerust and and comic fantasy to make it stand out from all the other dreck clogging the depths of Amazon's search results. Step forward into the feudal future and meet Princess Nosegay!

    Are you one of those people who differentiates from science fiction and pretentious speculative fiction? Then you should read this book! My affinity for the latter means that I was talented and conscientious enough to include such disparate elements as poetry, riddles, and that strange malevolent architecture that this generation of video gamers was raised to love so much.

    Do you ever wonder what your life would be like centuries or millennia from now, day to day? Wonder no longer, for ye need not even ask, and in this volume ye shall receive a healthy dose of mundane fantastic.

    Most people don't pick up a short story collection and think they'll read about a cult of men who obsess over five o'clock shadow makeup while earth is invaded by psychic apes who return from outer space. And that would be because most people don't buy this book.

    But you're different. You're the .0001% who see through all the nonsense and make a tangible difference by doing the right thing. Here at the crossroads of science fantasy, you have a chance to taste the very best science fiction humor this world has to offer. People are rioting right now as you're reading this over how awesome this book is. I mean who could resist a book with several stories about magical worms? Isn't anthropomorphism unquestionably an irresistible form of humor? Science fiction will never be the same.

    In this sequel to “If Only, If Only: A Collection Of Magical And Humorous Short Stories” by esteemed indie author Lennox Mumpsfield... plenty of awesome things happen take my word for it and just buy the friggin' book. I'm sorry... was that a bit rude? I mean, you are considering the purchase of a space opera science fiction ebook by a little known author, after all.

    Check out the sample. Look inside!

    Don't judge me but these are keywords which I was too uncreative to work into the book description: science fiction humor futuristic science fiction collection humor

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherLennox Mumpsfield
    Release dateFeb 25, 2014
    ISBN9781311066411
    Just The Orts And A Few Odd Ends: A Song Of Goblins, Worms, And General Science Fiction Humor
    Author

    Lennox Mumpsfield

    I like autodidacticism, spaced repetition, language, writing.

    Read more from Lennox Mumpsfield

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      Book preview

      Just The Orts And A Few Odd Ends - Lennox Mumpsfield

      Just The Orts And A Few Odd Ends: A Song Of Goblins, Worms, And General Science Fiction Humor

      Lennox Mumpsfield

      Published by Lennox Mumpsfield at Smashwords.

      Copyright 2014 Lennox Mumpsfield

      This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only, and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share it with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Amazon, Smashwords, or another book vendor and purchase your own copy. You have the sincerest gratitude of this author for respecting his hard work.

      Notice: All of the following characters, events, places, entities, and objects are purely fictional, and any resemblance to real or actual people, events, places, entities, or objects is purely coincidental. This book is for your amusement only.

      Published by Ferly Media: A Fake Publishing Company That Doesn't Exist.

      Written by Lennox Mumpsfield: A Pseudonymous Author Who Still Doesn't Want To List His Real Name

      Table Of Contents

      Chapter 1: Waxing Wormy

      Chapter 2: A Space Station Princess Stars In A Sci-Fi Fairy Tale

      Chapter 3: The Psychic Ape

      Chapter 4: In Which A Giant Space Worm Tells Riddles

      Chapter 5: Student Gangs

      Chapter 6: Norse Idol

      Chapter 7: These Goblins Are VERY DANISH

      Chapter 8: Hello, Dave

      Chapter 9: A Captivated Audience

      Chapter 1: Waxing Wormy

      Heyroth was very, very tiny ― even for a wax worm — and descended from a long and proud line of wax worms. Currently, his race was plagued by a massive effort of trafficking and abuse in live bait shops and fishing boats all over the country.

      He knew the odds of his survival and the dignity of a natural death were dismal, but that was what lent Heyroth his supreme confidence.

      Nothing could make him quiver. Trepidation was unknown to him. His determination was unyielding.

      The lid to his container was suddenly pried open, and he and hundreds of other wax worms went tumbling out of the container with the sawdust bedding.

      Though he had heard of this stage before, this was his first time experiencing it in person. The worms whispered to one another, repeating the word, counting.

      Heyroth could descry at just about the edge of his field of vision in all directions a tall brown wall toward which all the other worms were quickly inching in a desperate attempt to escape. Gigantic pale meat hooks and pillars came from the sky and began plucking away the other wax worms one by one.

      He had to think quickly. Perhaps the perfidy of obvious escape attempts was merely an exercise in futility. The humans would have to be lulled into a false sense of security and wooed in some other manner.

      Heyroth thought quicker and harder than he had ever thought before. What is one thing that I can do that is different than all the other worms?

      Suddenly, it came to him. Heyroth began rolling sideways... and he didn't stop. He kept on rolling and rolling, over sawdust and his deflated, dead, black wax worm kith and kin. He thought it strange that occasionally even the blackened and dead wax worms were plucked away. Once in a while he would roll into another live wax worm or a cardboard wall, but then he just changed directions and started rolling the opposite way.

      It was not long before the mysterious meat hooks of fate snatched him also. However, unlike the other wax worms, he was not transferred to a separate smaller container. They set him down right on the other side of the wall, where he kept on rolling sideways, awaiting his destruction.

      But he didn't die. He just kept rolling. They must find me amusing! While he was rolling, he tried to catch sight of any detail that might help him escape. He spotted a clear container in which his dead brethren were being collected, a bricolage wax worm cemetery where his kind could go to die with dignity. At least my captors are not totally barbaric, he thought. Other than that, it was naught but solid white as far as the eye could see.

      After a few minutes, he was beginning to think that death might actually be a better fate than interminable rolling. Suddenly, he noticed a cliff about four rolls to his right. If he played it right, perhaps he could slip over the edge and disappear below. Maybe the fall would kill him, but he had no other chance.

      He rolled as fast as he could, and soon he was airborne. In a split second, which seemed to last an eternity, his fall had been broken short when he latched onto a soft, white and fibrous mass. He quickly burrowed in between a few layers, and he was safe for the time being.

      He spent a moment enjoying his hard won freedom, but then resolved to stay vigilant. He exited the

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