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Luna for the Lunies!
Luna for the Lunies!
Luna for the Lunies!
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Luna for the Lunies!

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Luna for the Lunies! is the third collection of Alternate Reality News Service stories. The Alternate Reality News Service sends reporters into other dimensions and has them report back on what they find there. Robots who rue their consciousness! Alien invasions foiled by bureaucrats! A successful conclusion to the war on squirrels! These and many other stories are followed by the intrepid Alternauts of the Alternate Reality News Service.

In addition to courageous reporting, the Alternate Reality News Service features two advice columns: Ask Amritsar (about love and romance and technology) and Ask the Tech Answer Guy (about anything to do with technology except love and romance). Readers are encouraged to submit their own questions for the advice columns to the author's Web site, Les Pages aux Folles.

Charles de Lint, in Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine, called the first collection of Alternate Reality News Service stories, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, "one of my favorite books of 2008." Antony Jones, on the Science Fiction and Fantasy Web site, said it was "one of the funniest, most compelling and just craziest books I have read since Douglas Adams first put pen to paper." "Be prepared to laugh when reading What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys," John Ottinger III wrote about the second collection of Alternate Reality News Service stories on the Grasping for the Wind Web site.

The Alternate Reality News Service. If you don't like this reality, try another one!

LanguageEnglish
PublisherIra Nayman
Release dateJan 24, 2012
ISBN9780987699626
Luna for the Lunies!
Author

Ira Nayman

Ira Nayman, a humour writer who stumbled into speculative fiction around twenty years ago and decided to stick around, is the author of eight novels, most recently The Ugly Truth, the final book in the Multiverse Refugees trilogy. Two dozen of his short stories have been published, most recently "Girls Rule the Cyberpunk World!" in Brave New Girls 7 and "ePik Flayl Creates the Wor(l)d... Again" in Dreaming the God. Les Pages aux Folles, Ira's website of political and social satire, has been updated weekly for over twenty years.Ira was the editor of Amazing Stories magazine for three years. The Dance is the first anthology he has edited.

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    Book preview

    Luna for the Lunies! - Ira Nayman

    Praise for previous Alternate Reality News Service books:

    "Ira Nayman, the author of one of my favorite books of 2008 (Alternative Reality Ain’t What It Used to Be) is back with a new collection of futuristic news stories from alternate realities (What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children’s Toys)… They start with science fictional tropes, then carry through to the inevitable end of the story - usually with hilarious results." (Charles de Lint, Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine)

    "Completely unique, Alternative Reality Ain’t What It Used to Be is one of the funniest, most compelling and just craziest books I have read since Douglas Adams first put pen to paper." (Antony Jones, Science Fiction and Fantasy Web site)

    This book would make for a great ice-breaker at gaming sessions, book clubs, or conventions of the science fiction and gaming set. The short news" stories lend themselves to a quick read and are so funny that everyone will be comfortably laughing before you have made it a few paragraphs. Nothing is without the potential for humor in Nayman’s mindset, and he twists, puns, and snarks his way through the morass of human life, helping us laugh at the sometimes utterly ridiculous world around us. Be prepared to laugh when reading What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children’s Toys." (John Ottinger III, Grasping for the Wind Web site)

    Luna for the Lunies!

    by Ira Nayman

    Luna for the Lunies!

    Published by Ira Nayman at Smashwords

    Copyright 2012 by Ira Nayman

    ISBN: 978-0-9876996-2-6

    Cover art by Travis Pennington.

    Thanks to Web Goddess Gisela McKay, without whom the Alternate Reality News Service would likely never have existed. Well, not in this universe, anyway.

    This is a work of satirical fiction. Any resemblence to people, products or aliens in this or any other dimension is purely irrelevant.

    Smashwords Edition, License Notes

    This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

    CONTENTS

    ALTERNATE TECHNOLOGY

    ALTERNATE MONSTERS

    ALTERNATE ADVICE

    ALTERNATE POLITICS

    ALTERNATE ARTS AND CULTURE

    ALTERNATE LIVES

    ALTERNATE ALTERNATES

    ALTERNATE DEFINITIONS

    ALTERNATE INDEX

    ALTERNATE BIOGRAPHY

    NOTE: A story called The Reality Threshold is woven between chapters.

    ALTERNATE TECHNOLOGY

    Split Infinities

    Welcome to your new ARNS Home Universe Generator™ 3.6.4! Those of you who have used previous versions of the ARNS Home Universe Generator™ will find that the software has changed substantially. Those of you who are new to multiverse traveling are in for a treat!

    One of the most obvious changes is to the Google Multiverse search engine™, which is now capable of parsing natural language questions (EXAMPLE: What would the universe have been like if Donnie Osmond had been born in 17th century Scotland?). Google has also dealt with the complaint that, no matter how complex and specific the query terms (in one infamous case, Maybelle Truilliano spent two years composing her query, eventually publishing it in the 300 page book But, No, What am I Really Looking For?), the search engine always returned an infinite number of hits. It now limits hits to search queries to 12 universes chosen at random. Should those not be satisfactory, simply tweak the search with new terms until you find a universe you want to watch. (For more, see NEW, GOOGLE MULTIVERSE™, page 37.)

    For those of you who are new to ARNS Home Universe Generator™ technology, the multiverse can seem a strange and daunting place.

    The ARNS Home Universe Generator™ is based on the theory of multiply branching universes at every choice point at every moment in every person’s life. Although it gives many philosophers the screaming heebie jeebies, the idea is fairly simple. Say you are hungry. In this universe, you choose to eat asparagus tips in a white wine sauce. In a second universe, you choose to eat deep fried tofu. In a third universe, you choose to eat wrapping paper. And, so on, through an infinite number of possible choices, wise, foolish or simply disgusting. Every moment since the beginning of time, such choices have created untold infinities of universes, seemingly accelerating with the arrival of human free will (with the exception of Corey Haim, who, inexplicably, lives exactly the same life no matter which universe he is in); every moment to the end of time will generate new infinities of universes.

    The first thing you will notice in your multiverse travels is that some universes are exactly like ours. This is because, although universes diverge at choice points, none start from them; they all start at the Big Bang. Therefore, there are universes that have evolved to the same point as ours; the divergence has yet to happen. In fact, there are an infinite number of universes that are exactly the same as ours. In a similar vein, there are an infinite number of empty universes where the number of particles of matter at the Big Bang exactly equaled the number of particles of anti-matter, annihilating the universe in the first fraction of a nanosecond of its existence. Aside from the odd nihilist, these universes will not interest anybody. (For more, see, BOREDOM, AVOIDANCE OF, page 57.)

    The second thing many people notice is that many universes diverge in trivial ways. How would your life have been different if you had been born with blue hair and yellow eyes instead of the other way around? In an infinite number of universes, it would have made no difference. (For more, see, SEARCHES, FRUITFUL, page 127.) Of course, there are also an infinite number of universes where such a change does make a meaningful difference in your life. What is meaningful tends to be a matter of personal taste, however, so, in learning how to differentiate between the two, you’re on your own.

    Another thing worth noting because it is often commented upon by ARNS Home Universe Generator™ users is that monumental changes in history often lead to uninteresting realities. The example most often cited is: what would have happened if Germany had won World War II? (Ranking second: what would have happened if Hello Kitty had won World War II?) In an infinite number of universes, Hitler is assassinated by his officers and the German empire collapses within a week, to be replaced by a resurgent United States. Again, it’s possible that such a universe will satisfy you. Stranger things have happened. We’re just saying. (For more, see, SEARCHES, FRUITFUL, REFINEMENT OF, page 137.)

    Many ARNS Home Universe Generator™ users have made a sport of looking for choice points where our universe diverges from another; however, although an infinite number are theoretically generated every second, there is no documented evidence of one being found. Nor would it matter. If one universe diverged from ours, there would still be an infinite number that were exactly like ours. The multiverse is like that.

    The tendency of infinities to accumulate in the Multiverse is its most disconcerting feature. (For more, see INFINITY DELERIUM, SIGNS OF, page 267, and INFINITY ADDICTION, HELP GROUPS FOR, page 277). There are an infinite number of universes where leprechauns run Wall Street. The number of universes where blue is a fruit and the oranges are a type of sad music? Infinite. There are universes where John Phillip Sousa became a king in the month of March. That’s right – even bad jokes proliferate in infinite universes! Should you find your grasp of reality slipping away, the Surgeon General recommends that you immediately turn off you ARNS Home Universe Generator™ and read the Congressional Record until the feeling goes away.

    Welcome to the Multiverse – sorry for the inconvenience!

    Excerpted from the Introduction to So You’ve Just Bought An ARNS Home Universe Generator™, Now What?: A User’s Guide. Copyright ARNS Laboratories. All rights reserved throughout all of the realities of the Multiverse.

    We Can Forget It For You Wholesale

    by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer

    Tina Tartuffalo was a typical suburban teenager. She used the family’s Home Universe Generator™ to capture images of her parents doing The Flying Wombat With Six Spines using a stationary bicycle, four digitally enhanced crowbars and a grape smoothie. Then, she posted the images to her MySpaceBook page under the heading: Stupid Parent Tricks.

    Typical teenager behaviour.

    Except, 17 years, six months, five days, four hours and 27 seconds later, Tartuffalo, now a successful tattoo removal artist to the stars, was refused permission to adopt a Canadian baby. One of the Canadian embassy staff had found the old photos on his lunch break, and the embassy claimed that her family did not create the proper atmosphere to raise a child. (And, can we get prints of those photos?).

    I thought, after its oil economy collapsed, Canada was desperate to sell its babies to foreigners, Tartuffalo commented. I never imagined what I did 17 years, six months, five days, four hours and 27 seconds ago would make a difference. Bummer.

    Of course, this wouldn’t have happened if Tartuffalo had a copy of Fuggedaboudit version 2.3.

    Who wants to know? asked Phil Gazpacho (say his name out loud – you can almost hear the beady eyes and pencil-thin moustache, can’t you?), a Professor of New Media and Toffee Pulling at the Knotatawl-Shadee University. After a moment of reflection, he went on: Oh. Yeah. Right, right, right. Interview. Got it. Sorry. What was the question?

    According to Professor Gazpacho (No names! NO NA – oh. Right. Sorry.), Fuggedaboudit version 2.3 is a programme that does a Google name search, and then sends agents throughout the Internet erasing every trace of a person. Names. Addresses. Photos. Videos. The lot, Professor Gazpacho proudly stated.

    We don’t have a copy ourselves at the university, Professor Gazpacho sniffed. "And, of course, when I say that we don’t have a copy, I mean that we do have a copy, but we only use it for research purposes. Yeah. We didn’t create it or nothing. No, no, no, no, no. The base code was actually written by a…Bulgarian."

    No, no, no, no, no, Bannon O’Schmirsky, a Bulgarian embassy official and part-time computer coder (Ees just a hobby, really) responded, waving a finger so close to my face I could have sworn he was picking my nose. Bad theeng happen on Internet, why you always blame Bulgaria?

    I pointed out to him that Glupakt Zakrglja Kon, the name of the group claiming to have created the programme, meant sucker round horse in Bulgarian. The server on which the software is stored is in Vratza district, which is located in north-west Bulgaria. When you buy the software, you are asked to pay in Bulgarian Levs. Lines 1,277 to 1,315 of the code are an Easter egg: a poem by famous Bulgarian author Schlomo Schlovivicek. The music that plays while the programme is loading, Mila Rodino, is the Bulgarian national anthem.

    Is all seercomstantial, O’Schmirsky argued.

    However it was created, Fuggedaboudit version 2.3 is causing havoc on the Internet, where small patches are suddenly disappearing. For example, meerkat accountant Liminal Mulroney was feeling nostalgic for his high school days, but he couldn’t find the photos of his graduating class that he was sure he had placed on his MySpaceBook page.

    Why have you buried me deep in the article? Mulroney stated. Surely, my story is a more compelling hook than that Tartuffalo broa –

    Or, to use another example, Ronnie Expectorate, owner of the My First Concealed Weapon line of handguns and accessories for teenage girls, was surprised to find much of her company’s proprietary information missing. As best as she can tell, a disgruntled former employee used Fuggedaboudit version 2.3 to remove all mention of herself from the company’s servers, including payroll information, raw materials orders and photos from the company’s ChristmaKwaanzUkah party.

    Expectorate said losing those photos would really hurt her business. I agree with that Mulroney guy, she stated. What happened to us is the most important thing in the article, yet I’m only quoted five paragraphs from the end? What’s up with –

    Well, you get the idea.

    I’m innocent, your honour! I swear, I barely knew the gi – Professor Gazpacho started. Oh. Right. Interview. Sorry. Bad dream…flashback. It happens to me under pressure. The real problem with Fuggedaboudit version 2.3 is that it blasts through security firewalls like so much tissue paper. Even information that you thought was safe is at risk. As long as it is connected to the Internet. Private companies, the government – nothing is safe! Oh, Christ – I gotta talk to my broker!

    The American Pentagon rolled its eyes in a What else could possibly go wrong? gesture.

    If Tartuffalo had had a copy of Fuggedaboudit version 2.3, she would have had no difficulty adopting that Canadian child. On the other hand, this article would no longer exist, so, uhh, yeah…

    Aural Persona Non-Gratification

    by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer

    What do we want?

    JUSTICE!

    When do we want it?

    NOW!

    What do we want?

    JUST…uhh…ice?

    When do we want it?

    Umm…when’s good for you?

    Let’s try that again. What do we want?

    BIGGER BOOBS! A HAM ON RYE WITH SWISS! FOR THE SQUIRRELS TO LEAVE ME ALONE, ALREADY! BOBBI-JO FERBLUNJIT TO NOTICE ME! TO NOT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE EVERY TIME I WALK THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR! KRYPTONITE!

    When do we want it?

    WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?

    A protest in front of the American embassy in Toronto on the 50th anniversary of the imprisonment of 65 year-old Omar Khadr (currently in Guantanamo Three: Bride of Guantanamo Bay) fell apart mere moments after it began. This was not an effect of the brown acid, which protesters had been warned was none too good.

    This was a consequence of the government’s new weapon against democracy: the Aural Confusinator.

    by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer

    The Aural Confusinator (not to be confused with the Oral Confusinator, Fox News) sends sound waves at individuals or groups of individuals. These sound waves combine patterns of white noise with the throbbing base line from the Zombies’ song For Your Love, grunts from Billy Idol videos and a secret sound source (SSS) known only to the chefs in the headquarters of KFC. Scientists have found that hearing these sounds makes people feel like they are doing drugs.

    by TINA LOLLOCADENKA, Alternate Reality News Service Music Writer

    We were quite surprised, stated Dexter Drywall, lead guitarist for the rock group Vicarious Bat Monkeys. "We thought we were developing a new music genre: ambient grunge. But, as our lawyer explained, we had actually created a new form of government mind control.

    Cool.

    by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer

    It has long been known that sound can affect our mood. Listening to any Pink Floyd album played backwards, for example, has been shown to cause psychotic devil-worship in laboratory rats, who subsequently run in pentagram patterns in mazes and use cheese they are given to create altars. Listening to Michael Bolton induces sleep in just about every species. Listening to Green Day’s American Idiot album can cause a vague nostalgia for the peanut butter cups of one’s youth. And, so on.

    Using a dMRI (dysfunctional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) scanner, scientists in the federal Ministry of Applying Science for Ideological Ends, watched neuronal activity in subjects brains as they listened to various sounds. Using the Vicarious Bat Monkey’s song Don’t Let the Airlock Door Hit Your Ass on the Way Out as their baseline, they fiddled with different combinations of sounds until they came up with one that could cause the firing of neurons in the brain that were usually triggered by smoking a joint.

    "As you can imagine, we had a lot of fun in the lab that afternoon!" said lead researcher Orville Beddenbrochfaster.

    The group has since found sounds that simulate brain states for snorting cocaine, injecting heroin and huffing taco sauce.

    by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer

    Then, using parts worth $29.95 from Radio Shock, they built a device that could project these sounds towards groups of 50 to 100 people (150 with a reservation, but gratuity will automatically be added to the bill).

    by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer

    Unlike traditional drugs, aurally induced drug stimulating states are not considered addictive.

    I’m sorry, what…? Beddenbrochfaster responded when we asked him about the addictive qualities of the new technology. Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I was just experimenting with the Ecstasy sound mix – hey! Look at all the colours in your nose! The colours, man – the colours!

    But, uhh, that opinion may change as research progresses.

    by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer

    Police Chief FantinoBot 2100 looked at the protesters, most of whom were staring at their hands or the sky and giggling uncontrollably. He shook his head sadly and sighed.

    It hardly seems worth getting out a baton and wailing on somebody’s ass, Chief FantinoBot 2100 muttered to himself. I’m not sure I like this new phase in crowd control…

    The Alternate Reality News Service would like to apologize for the disjointed quality of this article and assure our readers that we will not be pursuing the concept of tag team journalism in the future. What can we say? Vince McMahon makes it look so easy…

    Let The Games Benign!

    by MARCELLA CARBORUNDUREM-McVORTVORT, Alternate Reality News Service Food and Drink Writer

    The ancient Greeks hosted the first Olympic Games. Plato was an ancient Greek who believed in the power of the mind. Therefore, the Olympic Games believed in the power of the mind.

    QED. FTP…ASAP?

    The power of the mind is being harnessed at the 2010 Olympic Games in Vancouver (see – it all ties together). Visitors to the Games put a metal band around their skulls (sort of like a bracelet for your head – a headcelet, if you will – and, even if you won’t, I will, so get used to the term) that monitors their alpha and beta brainwaves.

    And, what are these collective brainwaves being used for? Solving the world’s economic crisis? Creating a permanent solution to Haiti’s political instability? Ensuring that there will never be another Alvin and the Chipmunks movie?

    No. The brainwaves of people in Vancouver are being used to control the rotation of 360 The Restaurant, the rota – err, turning restau – uhh, dining room at the top of the CN Tower in Toronto.

    The brain is an amazing thing, explained Chris Aimone, Chief Technical Officer of Interaxon, the company that created the technology that allows people to do things with their minds. "It’s grey and squishy and feels kind of slimy to the touch, yet it gave us Beowulf and the Blues Magoos!"

    When the person in the headcelet (come on – the term is growing on you – why don’t you just admit it so that we can get it into the next OED?) relaxes, the device captures the change in their brainwaves. These electrical impulses are then translated into instructions for the restaurant’s rotation drive shaft using beta waves TO Hungarian and Hungarian TO rotation drive shaft translation pages the company found on the Internet.

    I loved it! enthused Helvetica Anterior, a downhill skeet shooting enthusiast from Ballast Falls, Oklahoma who inherited her tickets to the Olympics. I put this uncomfortable metal thing on my skull, practice for several hours and something I can’t see happens somewhere I’ve never been!

    Uhh, yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to set up a screen to show participants what their brainwaves are actually doing, Aimone allowed. Lesson learned.

    Not everybody was impressed by the technology. It was the worst night of my life! groused Verlaine I Don’t Zinfandel, a waitress at 360 The Restaurant. Not only did I not get a single cent in tips, but I had to clean vomit stains out of my clothes from six different customers! I haven’t had that many vomit stains since I bused tables at Snow White’s wedding party!

    Somebody thinks in Vancouver and somebody tosses his cookies in Toronto, Aimone crowed. How can you not love this technology?!

    Oh, please! Zinfandel moaned. "It was like living in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, only without the waffer thin mint!"

    You might have thought that once the word spread about the speedily rotating dining experience, patrons would have canceled their reservations to the restaurant faster than Tiger Woods sponsors dropped him after his ill-fated drive down the street. If so, you would have misread the latest culinary fashion: after word of the experience spread, the lineup to get in the restaurant went down the side of the Tower, around the SkyDome, out to Yonge and straight into Lake Ontario.

    I would strangle a polecat to get a table at 360! used goat wholesaler Monty Percoset metaphored. At least, for the sake of the polecat population we hope he was metaphoring. Percoset, an outspoken member of Toronto’s private elite, added: Throwing up in a restaurant that spins too fast is the new snorting cocaine off the carapace of a live lobster!

    "I heard about this place from Buffy, who heard about it from Zelda,

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