Fantasies From The Kitchen Sink by Fiona McAndrew - Read Online
Fantasies From The Kitchen Sink
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Summary

After a wildly successful and scandalous career as a stripper, Fifi Lemott pens her memoirs and makes a fortune. She then buys the house of her dreams in the quintessential town of Dorking, and embarks upon on a journey of adventure and mischief in the hope of finding love. 

In her search for a new life of romance and respectability, Fifi finds her path crossing with sexually frustrated pensioners, and finds herself baking cakes for the Women’s institute laced with Marijuana.  She also teaches them how to Pole dance, and fights a battle of wills with the town’s controversial book reviewer, Ted Pembleton. 

On a visit to LA to stay with an old friend, Fifi is seduced by the gardener, which ends disastrously.  A surprise phone call from her flamboyant gay agent Luka brings Fifi back to England for the Queen’s garden party, where all hell breaks loose when she discovers that some of the Dorking residents are also attending. 

Fifi, not beaten, but lonely and bored, sells up and returns home to her mother’s house in Gateshead.  The death of a friend and a brief encounter with a long lost love brings Fifi’s world crashing down. 

With the help of a transsexual drag artist called Elspeth, Fifi re-evaluates her life, returns to LA, and starts once again to write her next adventures. 

Darkly humorous tales filled with poignant reality and the ridiculously funny.

Published: Spangaloo Publishing on
ISBN: 9781502290793
List price: $0.99
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Fantasies From The Kitchen Sink

Fiona McAndrew

Copyright Fiona McAndrew 2014

Spangaloo Publishing

Spangaloo Edition

http://spangaloo.com

Standard Copyright eBooks are strictly protected works. You must not perform any actions, including copying, printing and distribution without the author’s written or printed consent (the author may have already granted certain terms in a statement within a book.) Some of our eBooks are cleared for persona printing if this option has been enabled, The sale of Copyright works in any form is illegal.

This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, events, incidents, and places are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, people, or events is purely coincidental.

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Acknowledgements

I send my thanks to my daughters Elyssa and Rachel for keeping my feet on the ground, Ian Youngs (Aka Skoob) and Frank Jordan at Café Spike for believing in me, and also my cousins Gerard and Catherine for helping me understand the family insanity that compels us to write.

I would also like to thank the guests I have had the pleasure of interviewing in my blog.  I still pinch myself each time I look back upon these great writers and film makers I have had the pleasure of talking to. 

Lastly I need to thank Simon and Foo for teaching me all those years ago how to break the barriers on racism, sexism and gender inequality with love.  They are my Brokeback Mountain husbands and I love them both.

Also a big thanks to all at Spangaloo for helping me make my dream come true.

Dedication

For my Mother Joan Scott, my best friend, my worst critic, and hopefully my guardian angel. 

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

About the Author

Chapter 1

Fifi Hits The Big Time

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The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes.

Agatha Christie.

Fifi La Mott Hits The Big Time And Moves to Dorking

Fifi stepped from the car; her beloved poodles jumped out from behind her and immediately cocked their legs up to pee against a freshly painted fence post.

She finally arrived, not just to Dorking, but to the life she had always wanted.

The sales of her memoirs, The Life And Crimes Of A Newcastle Stripper were soaring. She had made a packet. Sex sells! said her publisher and editor Crank it up a bit Fifi! So she did. Every sordid and depraved act she had ever committed, she wrote about. She had slept with a long list of men.

No one would ever know the real truth....... that, in fact, Fifi was also a very good lapsed Catholic.

The money she made from her book sales had at long last allowed her to buy the house of her dreams, in the South, where she had always wanted to be. She had spent months preparing her quintessential English Cottage, the furnishings, décor, and garden. It reminded her of Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives.

Fifi’s neighbours were in the garden pruning roses when she arrived. They greeted her with a warm welcome. Fifi had met them on previous visits. She thought they were weird.

Hilda and Jim Blackcock looked slightly confused as Fifi took out from the back seat of her car, a life-sized cardboard cut out of Captain Jean-Luc Picard,